We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Summer Rewind - Star Trek: Insurrection

Episode Date: August 17, 2017

On this week's Summer Rewind, the guys revisit the first time they made fun of a Star Trek movie: Star Trek: Insurrection! Why does F. Murray Abraham look like a testicle face? Did we really need this Data bubble butt? And why did Data need to bond with this little kid? PLUS: Quark's adventures in Space Thailand. Star Trek: Insurrection stars Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden, Marina Sirtis, F. Murray Abraham; directed by Jonathan Frakes. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Here. Still kicking this summer break. I like it a lot. I like eating things. I like doing nothing. I like drinking a lot. This is awesome. Wait, that's what you do regularly.

How is that a vacation? Well, because we're not recording new podcasts. That's the one difference. Oh, right. That's why this is an episode that's happened before. That's right. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I heard it happened.

Hello from another timeline. Oh, no. This is Star Trek Insurrection. Is this the first Star Trek movie we did? Yes, and actually, you know, if you're interested in new We Hate Movies content, you can go on the Patreon. That's right. We're doing the big goodbye this month where I play a detective. Dixon Hill.

Dixon Hill. God. Yeah, Dixon Hill. Just make it sure I got that right. It's an ice cream. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, Dix Hills Long Island. That's what I thought they were referencing.

Deter, you could be Turkey Hill. That is patreon.com slash we hate movies. Yeah, this episode, a lot of Mr. Daitish big bubble butt is in there. This is the Star Trek, the Next Generation movie that's kind of just like two bad episodes put together in one thing. Yeah, it's not the worst. Nemesis is the worst. Yes. This is...

Even though I like Nemesis more. I would re-watch Nemesis before I re-watch it. Because this would be an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that I would skip over on Netflix. I'd read the description and be like, oh, okay. Like I do with all those, like, Dr. Crusher episodes. Troy's mother. Yep, just skip over all of them. Yeah, this is F. Murray, Abraham is playing a Balciniian in this movie.

He looks disgusting. There's something about these people live on this planet and it, like, keeps them young. Picard fucks like a 400-year-old woman. Yeah, again, we haven't listened to this episode. I haven't listened to this episode in years. I mean, what year did it come out and I edited it? Because that's when I listened to it.

So, yeah, I don't know. We're still on vacation, but thank you for dipping in and seeing what's going on. If this is new to you, that's cool, too, because this is not a main feed episode. Eric, who's your favorite Star Trek, the next generation character? Oh, my. What a question. I know. I mean, I guess it's Picard.

Well, I think because that's the fallback, though, I was just about to say, like, aside from Picard. I think maybe Data. Yeah. I would go data. It's fun. Data is fun. I like Riker, man. No, absolutely not.

I mean, I love data No, it's probably data But I like about Riker You know, he's kind of stupid You know, he's just kind of a take charge But like he's exactly a company man But not like a bad company man Like a good company, he's like a really good boss

You'd be like, oh cool, Riker's here Oh fuck, I'm working for Will Riker That's awesome I heard he's great I'm gonna double time it He makes a great district manager Will Riker I think Steve also likes him

because Jonathan Frakes is like two Steve standing on top of each other. I mean, he's handsome as hell. You nailed it. I knew it. He always looked familiar to me. If there was like another Steve and it got on top of Steve's shoulders and then both steves put a trench coat on,

that's Will Riker. Please enjoy Star Trek Insurrection. You're like the adopted kid that shows up after dad quits drinking. You get to repeat. all the benefits and don't have to suffer any of the results. Wouldn't that be the other way around though?

Like all the other movies are so good and then you get to this one so it's like you're the dude that shows up when dad starts drinking falls off the way. You missed all the good times. There were so many perfect Christmases and now it's just going to be shitty, spoiled holidays forever. I don't know if you can get a kid if you're an

alcoholic. That's got to be really difficult. Well, I'm sure there's people that cover that up. Some people fall into them. You just suddenly have some kids. Yeah, falling in. But if you're an adopted kid, I think he's saying... Yeah, they do those background text. Trust me, those background checks are

okay. First of all, you're presupposing that this adoption's legal. Because, Charles me, you want a kid, I can get you a kid. Eric Siska's, I went to the park and found one adoption agency. That's wretched. This film is from 1998.

It is the third Star Trek film to feature the Next Generation cast. This is, I feel, it's a direct, like, a descending level of quality, right? Or no, no, no, I'm wrong. Yeah. Because we all agree first contact's the best of these. So it's like middle of the road up and then from first contact down.

If you're counting generations, right. Right. Well, that's more a next generation movie than a... It's true. I actually think that's more of a Malcolm McDowell movie. It's more of my Malcolm McDowell quota. You're just a big... What is the name?

Dr. Sarik? Sarik is Spock's father. By the way, the nerd level of this episode is going to be fucking sky high. I don't remember, but it's like... I keep wanting to say Soron, but that's not it. That's a different... That's a whole different franchise of ridiculous names that you need a glossary for. This movie is the one we talked about briefly on Men in Black 2,

because it also features men-and-black alien race favorite the Balchinians. Let's get into F. Murray, Abraham, who is the villain of this picture. He's got no clue what he's doing in the Star Trek movie. He's just looking around, all of them. He just knows he's a villain so he knows he has to yell a lot. Like, if I'm a bad guy, I'm going to scream my head off about, what do we tell you on? I don't know. What space taxes?

Sure, I'll yell about that. Territories. I'll yell about that, too. The plot of this movie very, very simply is the next generation crew lands on a planet where the inhabitants have discovered that because of the rings of the planet, there's some sort of radiation that helps them essentially live forever, you know, they won't age. And F. Murray Abraham and the rest of his Balchian crew are trying to steal the technology and kill them and there you go. Now, they're not some Balchillion in terms of their whole face. looks like a scrotum. It's not like... It's not just a chin. It's the whole damn thing. Yeah. There's just one giant stretchy ball.

It kind of looks like if you tried to put somebody else's face on your face and you did a really bad job. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or if you took a Halloween mask in a pool with you and got it all wet for a really long time and it just pruned right out. These things, I mean, it's terrible. They look Terrible. Tom Cruise drops his mask and Mission Impossible in the pool overnight. And he's like,

well, I got to make it work, I guess. He's going to pick up his Philip Seymour Hoffman face and putting it back on. He's like,

oh man, Hoffman had a rough night last night. He looks like he's 500 years old. So, but this movie, like, all right, we have first contact.

We're, the first one, we're kind of battling with demons of the past and generations. You've got, you know, you kind of,

demons of the past with Kirk. You put that whole thing to bed You've got a cool little You know Live forever in an alternate reality thing The first contact Here we go The Borg, the best thing

The Next Generation brought to the table Absolutely the greatest gift That that that particular series gave to the franchise Absolutely And like you know you're riding high And then it's like all right Now let's see what Amish country is doing

Because it starts out with like this It's like a pan flute And I'm like where we're not in space We're just watching people like like, you know, need bread. It's like feudal England. There's so much tilling of all sorts of fields. Which is why Picard is so enamored with it.

Because as we've posited in the past, he's possibly from Victorian England. We don't really know for sure what that whole thing's about. That's a different movie discussion. He fell into, he like went on, he's probably like from Victorian England and he went on like an expedition to the North Pole and got frozen in the ice. Like Captain America? Yeah. Captain Star Trek. Speaking to Captain Star Trek, by the way, you know,

Patrick Stewart, obviously the biggest face of this part of the franchise, hands down. You know what's a little sad? Opening credits. He's only got an associate producer nod. Why can't he get the executive? Is that like a money thing? Was he like, I'm only taking this so far? You know what I mean?

I can't be seeking all sorts of money. of this. It's like that car wash I bought. Really blew up in my face. I feel like Franks wanted them out of it a little bit. You know, like First Contact was so great because of me, because I directed First Contact. I am Jonathan Franks.

Right. Franks? Okay. That's my name. I now know my own name. What's your last name, Mr. Burns? I mean, what was it your first name? All right, Mr. Burns, I just need your first name. I don't know. So it's really idealic and beautiful.

And then all, like, this is the entire opening credits. And I'm like, oh, my God, what is even going to happen? And then, like, some danger music starts playing. Like, all right, danger. There's danger music. And things are being flipped by an invisible presence. And I was like, Star Trek ghosts. Because you're, like, walking through this, like, small little, you know, bizarre that they have.

And, you know, grains are being thrown out into the town square. And someone knocks over a wheelbarrow. You're like, what is going on? All these people are freaking out. It would be a better movie for the next-gen cast to become Ghostbusters. Jordy, don't cross the streams.

And so then you see they're being observed by someone and you're like, all right, there's possibly like a big brother thing going on. This whole idea is really creepy. Like the Federation, basically what's happening

is data's in an invisible suit and he's like, and there's a bunch of people in invisible suits just kind of watching this community without anybody knowing about it? Right, which is their shitty political way to bypass the prime directive.

Holy shit, this is the nerdyest thing ever. The prime directive, the law on Star Trek, that says, you know, if you come across a civilization on a planet that is not as technologically advanced as you are, you don't fuck with him. You know, you don't go to a caveman, and you're like, here's a laser beam caveman. Kirk never followed that prime director.

He didn't give a shit. It was like barely a curve. courtesy flush kind of like that's how he he thought about it. He treated the prime directive like how you're supposed to yield to pedestrians at a crosswalk yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a law well that

was in the early days you know like he had to be a little more rough and tumble with the situation. He was like breeding people like he didn't give a fuck he's just like well wait what we're not supposed to do eugenics you lay with her and you lay with me

and you lay with me and you lay with me I'll need all your history books. I'm going to burn them. So, yes, they are bypassing, you know, interacting with these people by setting up an entire invisible office. It's a whole structure that they have. I've got to go to invisible work today. It looks like the watchtowers in like Jurassic Park or something.

Yeah. And, yeah, so Dana's walking around. They're taking all sorts of measurements. And then one-way ticket to crazy. city town data runs up to this thing and blast the shit out of it and they do there's some kind of okay looking uh you know like data takes the helmet off and it's just brent spiner's head dancing around floating around that's terrifying so word gets to the enterprise like uh hey man that robot that you keep swearing is beneficial for our organization totally ruined this you know months long

experiment. Hey, remember two years ago when he went ap shit and almost destroyed the universe? You keep telling me that this robot is totally unimpeachable. How did it get off of Picard's leash, first off? Why is it even there?

You keep, you know, that's the thing with data, right? It's like, you give an inch, he fucking takes a yard, man. That's what happened. He's just like, it's my first day at being human. Like, I'm sorry.

I thought I could do that. That's always what he falls back on. is like, hey, I'm just trying to be human. I'm not actually human. I didn't invent the emotion. My favorite thing is, so, like, Picard gets wind of things going wrong in the middle of this really boring ceremony where he's welcoming some little people out of the Federation. And then he goes to Jordy, and he's like, Jordy, what's wrong with data?

He's like, well, he didn't take his emotion ship. Like, his emotion ship's left on his pillow. Yeah, it's like, you forgot your hair dryer? Like, oh, I think he says, like, oh, he didn't take that with him. Yeah. Why? So you're telling me. that after the big stink he makes in generations about,

oh, my emotion chip, one step close to humanity, Pinocchio, and all that shit. He's just taking it in and out, like fucking contacts. He wore his glasses to this place. It was raining. He didn't want to deal with it. So he's acting logically. So he must, you know, whatever he's doing must be right.

Right, exactly. So that's the, I mean, that's right. That's the point that they're making is he doesn't have his emotion. so whatever he's doing, he's doing it for a reason. You mentioned, Steve, the whole Picard getting ready for a ceremony. That's always been a weak part of these next generation movies is what they've been doing since we've last left them. I seem to recall, is it generations where it's Wharf's promotion ceremony

and they're on the holodeck doing a big mutiny on the bounty fucking cosplay? And they make them walk the plank? Let's all dress up like olden times. It'll be fun. Jean-Luc, you're always talking about this magical Dickensian past that you fantasize about. We don't give a shit. Stop making us dress up like fools. Maybe his parents had like a holodeck, like one of the first ones at home holodeck.

The first color holiday. Yeah, exactly. Before that it was his black and white holodex. That's why he got so accustomed to playing dicks, the private detective. because it was all like film noir but he grew up in Dickensie in England in a holodeck maybe

All right, that's possible He was probably just in Seattle or something And he was just this American kid And then he just went into this box For years and years and years That's terrifying I like that alternate past Truman show type of

He comes out talking like that Just like Madonna was like I spent six months in England So I can talk like that That's what happens Sweet callback. So they're just, you know, they're welcoming these little people in, and Picard has to put on a silly hat.

He's got a great line where he goes, remember when we used to be explorers? And I'm like, yeah, I do. Remember when there was any stakes in this franchise? Not anymore. But then we found everything. We found everything. The edge of the universe has been found.

So Worf comes up. Warfoo's been on Deep Space 9. Deep Space 9 ended up. Oh, absolutely. I mean, this is 98. He's been on that show. The next generation ended, what, 97? No.

Earlier than that? I think like 94 or something like that. It was earlier. Okay, yeah. And then they pretty much went full on deep space. Were they on the air at the same time? Yes. And then it was just kind of like a nice little transition.

And Michael Dorn was just like, I'm not done putting this dumb ass makeup on. That's commitment That's honestly what that is He was wearing that hat for a long time Oh absolutely Maybe he'll get buried in it Like Dologos You got buried in his cake

I wish He gets buried with that sash Oh yeah Oh man Klingon funeral What happens What do they fuck the corpse What happens?

They burn it They fuck it It's all the same They eat it I have no And I mean You know to people that dress up Do whatever they do

totally fine. I've got no tolerance, no patience. I want nothing to do with people that dress up and act like Klingons. I'll take you one step further. Those people that have those dictionaries and they're like, I'm fluent in Klingon. You're also fluent in

never losing your virginity. You're fluent in wasting your time. Learn French. Go to France. You can learn friends. Well, you know what, Steve, when the fucking day comes and they're on Klingon, your face will be red. That's true. And the problem, Problem number one,

Lurting Glingon. Problem number two is these people seem to feel like they have to tell everyone about it. I remember when I was moving into college, someone on my floor's like relative was fluent in Klingon. And like, I meet this guy in passing and it's just like, it's brought

up. Is there a like aptitude test that you have to send away for and the Roddenberry Foundation deems you fluent in Klingon? They're like, this person could be conned easily. So send him the kit. Send him to Klingon kit.

We'll give him to Klingon Rosetta Stone. You can fucking put headphones on and really learn it. But also about Klingons, they act like assholes. It's the whole thing of like, I'm a barbarian. Like, no, you're not. You're a fat guy. There's a difference. I'm a barbaric fat guy.

I mean, they're just space monsters that I don't know why they're, how do they even get to that level of technology? if they act like that. The Federation kind of brings them in. Yeah, I don't know how that works. There's a weird, we've tamed the Klingon's vibe that goes around Star Trek here and there. It's all very uncomfortable.

And just about every four episodes of the Klingon, you'll get at least one white actor and blackface because that's like a proud tradition. That is the old school, like original series. That was up and down the board with that. They didn't have the ridges back then. they had like they were more brown

like a heavy tan like a good a lot of makeup it was you know like Mitt Romney on Telemundo so Worf sorry Worf comes in warf comes in and it's like okay let's figure out why Worf is back here because he's just

he's off to college he's having all sorts of adventures on his own all sorts of experiments and Picard is like well here this is what happens Captain Mr. War What the hell are you doing here?

I was at the man's arcane. He's a little late, Jordan. Can I wake? I don't think so. I heard you with me. Tell him that I'm already here and I'll talk to him when he arrives. Like, what a snub?

What are we even doing? It just shows you what little stakes there is. They have no intention. This movie is just completely running off the fumes of everything else. Absolutely. It's getting the band back together. How do they get back together?

I don't know. Now, here's the thing, though. Who is going to be devastated that Wharf is not in the next Star Trek movie. Not many. At the same time, though, the other thought is, like, why aren't you trying to pass the baton even further? Like, where's Odo?

Like, have Odo show up, man. They had, apparently, Quark filmed scenes that just got fucking cut from this movie. Oh, really? Do you think Quark gave Warf a ride to the Enterprise? And he's like, hey, Warf, you want me to come in with you? He's like, no, Quark.

That's okay. You can head back to Deep Space Nine now. Deep Space Nine. What's exciting about Star Trek, right? You have to explore. You have to find things coming up with all different people every week. No, no. We'll just have a fucking spaceport that goes nowhere. And you have to deal with the Kardashians each and every week. To be fair to that show, though, Deep Space Nine is the only one of those shows that had a solid arc over a season, which is something. that is mentioned in this movie it's a blink and you miss it but they mentioned the Dominion Wars and all that shit that took over Deep Space 9

and that was like what we're doing on that show which is kind of like it was great because not a lot of TV back then was doing that nowadays that's all television is you know we have these super looming arcs over the entire season

I never watched Enterprise but I think that had a couple arcs in it Enterprise did that too a little bit Enterprise also did some cool time travel shit where you got to see Commander Riker for some reason and you also got to see space aliens dressed up as Nazis

for some reason. Anyway, Worf gets the snub of the century. Yeah, whatever whatever's mountain head. Keep moving. And they then decide they're going to, so this is the big first super action scene we get in this movie, right? Super action

question mark. Well, it's for Star Trek. Yeah, this is a super action scene. It's two, it's two spacecrafts flying at each other, fighting doing stuff. While they're singing the HMS pitiful. Yeah, okay, let's get into this because it's kind of stupid.

So they're like, Worf and Picard get on this vessel and they're like, all right, we're going to go track down data because he's gone rogue and hijacked this other vessel and he's flying around fucking things up. So we're going to chase him down and what's great is there's a Starfleet Admiral

who's in cahoots with F. Murray Abraham And they're like, listen, Picard, we're going to kill your robot. And Picard's actually got a really cool moment where he's like, all right, listen, I'll make you a deal. If I can't capture him on my first attempt, I'll kill him myself. And you're like, whoa, it's like putting your dog down. It is. Well, it's like advice at men. Captain, tell me about the rabbits again.

So what is his plot to get to capture data? To do karaoke. To do karaoke at him. And he's downright karaoke. So he's like, and again, you want to talk about what they're doing on their free time. They're trying to figure out how they can stop them. And Picard's like, oh, you know what? Wait a second.

Now that I think about it, before he embarked on this mission, Data was rehearsing a production of the HMS Pinafore. What the fuck are you talking about? Rehearsing Gilbert and Sullivan. And on this like this big clunky 4x3 TV, there is the lyrics with a bouncing ball. That is an unnecessary detail. And he goes to Worf.

He's like, Worf, have you ever heard of Gilbert and Sullivan? And Warf's like, no, these are fucking humans from thousands of years ago. Have you heard of Remulac and Kremular? They're fucking great on Klingon. What's actually awesome is he's like, I have not had a chance to meet all the new crew members. Yeah, it's a good little joke. And what's great is Picard's just like, Woff,

are you fucking serious it's it's gilbert and solomon so they sing this song and then data starts singing along and he's distracted long enough that they attach themselves to his ship but brent spiner is singing his heart out with this music just just here here's a little back and forth with the two of them his bosom should he and his heart should glow And is Fisby ever ready for a lockdown blow? Oh, man, is that handy?

Well, that's because Brent Spiner and most of these actors on this show who've been working steadily for almost 20 years at this point are still kind of concerned about their reels. You know what I mean? Oh, absolutely. Oh, this will be good for my reel. They can see that I can sing Gilbert and Sullivan. Now, I don't buy that anyone, like, okay, a robot, you know,

you put in a floppy disc it sings a goddamn song. The fact that Picard would be this great captain, but apparently he spent decades in the theater perfecting this voice and this song. Well, it's amazing that I have to do this, Mr. Wharf, because I'm personally coming off a production of the Scottish play as we speak. It's ridiculous.

You know, Woff, I wore blackface when I played Othello. It's a long-standing British tradition. I mean in space Also a thing that's rekindled in this movie That sucks is the Riker Troy Relationship It is insufferable

It is It is downright insufferable You are correct It starts out kind of slow though Like Riker says something like You know Hey Troy what time is it And then she's like

Oh it's 4 o'clock space time and she starts like rubbing the back of his head and he's like whoa I don't know what this is but I'll allow it because they had some steamy encounters on that program but and there's this one thing she he kisses her and she's like ew you criss me with your beard you'd ever kiss me with your beard and apparently he has a bunch of times in that show like yeah how do you miss something like that like he had that beard forever left and right on that show it's like first season no beard started that second season

he's been in the woods for months somehow he got lost on a holodeck and when we're still on the topic of Riker's beard we get treated to a scene of them in this steamy bubble bath together she is shaving his beard off that's so they can get

down she's like all right listen we'll do this on one condition I get to shave that shit off myself I get to I get to kill this beard I could sensually shave it like phenomenon like who gives a shit. She shaves off both of his beards. The other one

is the carpets, you know. Yep. Do they get married in Nemesis? Or am I misremembering? Oh, man. I want to lean towards yes on that. Somebody's getting married in Nemesis. Because, well, also, Riker gets promoted to Captain at some point in that movie. But it's also, like, the fact that

they have this relationship, it should go somewhere. It should figure into the plot and a further after the bathtub scene that's it like they're both on different missions and they just don't talk to each other you know how it should figure into the movie she gets fucking killed like they they they

rekindle everything's great we're having a sexy shave and then blammo man F. Murray Abraham takes her life because that's that's some stakes that's what sucks about these movies is they don't like the TV shows long over with these people are sitting

on piles of money. Like, listen, why don't you have some guts? Kill a character here and there. Or she gets pregnant. Remember that one episode where she gets pregnant and it's like weird immaculate conception? Yeah. And it's like a baby and it like grows really fast and shit.

That's creepy. Remember when the date is cutting that cake like that Tom Petty video? Absolutely. Like exactly that Tom Petty video. Thanks a lot, Star Trek. And I, but so the main thrust of this movie is, so now data's, data kind of gives them the impression that something's wrong on this planet. Something is amiss with this admiral and this F. Marie Abraham guy. So they invest, they're investigating and they find what is to be, what looks like a holodeck ship.

Right. Their, uh, the data traces a radiation signature out into a lake. He walks into the lake a la Jason Voorhees, which is very creepy. and they're like, yeah, let's take the space gondola out here and see what's going on. And yeah, they come across something sitting under the water and data pulls this pulley system and up

comes this gigantic invisible ship and they open it up and they look inside and it's an exact replica of the town and they're like, oh, this is a gigantic holodeck, what's going on? I will give this movie this much credit. That effect is pretty, pretty badass.

It looks cool. The invisible ship of the water running off it and everything like that. You know, what I didn't appreciate around this portion is you'll notice that like they cut to like, you know, the ship and the hollow deck and everything and that looks fine. The shore looks fine. But then there are moments in this movie where when people are directly

in the water and that is a chlorinated pool if I ever saw. You know what I don't appreciate about this scene? Like they jump off this ship and everything and they've got this like lady village with them and she's like oh i can't swim and picard and data jump in and save her and data's like don't worry in the event of uh the event of a water landing i can be used as a flotation device and

i'm like what and his fucking ass blows out and he just like rises out of the water like grab on to my jimony glick fat suit how stupid is that what did he turn it to an inspector gadget yeah that is you're right that is a downright inspector gadget gag that's so stupid Like his fucking hat flies off A helicopter flies out of his head It's really dumb Data's also turned off by a remote control When they capture him back in that

The space shuttle Warf's just like click He'll never be equal with everybody Of course not Also lady you've had 300 years to learn how to goddamn dog battle Or something What do you do What makes fun of her about that

He's like Ah one question actually 300 years and you can't swim And she's like I haven't gotten around to it yet You know what honestly That's the moment where I decide Not to save these people

They can't save themselves Yeah no they don't They're not worthy of life So yeah Basically the idea of these people are They sort of they left It's kind of like the village They left this very violent society

Found this new place And like decided to burn all technology And it just so happened to give them A mortal life Yeah And they've been kind of living off the steam of that for a long time. Picard's got this relationship with this woman going on, which is the most boring subplot of all boring subplots.

So they've got this away team down there, and they're like, you know, exploring the planet and checking out its properties. They realize they're kind of feeling younger, this, that, and the other thing. And Picard is like just taking this lady around. They basically go on a date, right? How is it that no one else from the away team is like, holy shit where's the captain of our ship oh he just vanished with a stranger why like yeah they're out until dawn he's getting his rocks off fellas hang back do you think he was like will will just keep

everyone back tell tell them we went looking in a cave because that's what i'm gonna do i'm going i'm going spalunking that's wretched that is pretty terrible no it's perfect And yes, yeah, he's always part of those away teams. Always, always, always. He's the first of the fray. Oh, exactly. Well, that's like any brave Starfleet captain. You're always going to go.

Yeah. That's actually, I recently rewatch that first season. And that's him and Riker butt heads on that all the time. Because Riker's like, yo, you're not supposed to go on these fucking away missions. And he's like, well, stop me. Yeah, neither of them should be going on those missions. All right, captain, you got one of two things. You either stop acting, stop doing your productions, or you stop.

I've got it away missions. I can't have both. My life in the theater. Fine. I'll go into the holodeck for my mystery stories. Man, when he turned into Dix, that was actually pretty cool. Nicky the nose has some information for me.

What's better? Him doing the, like, you know, pulp detective thing, or all those times on the holodeck where Rikers play in the trombone? God. Because Jonathan Frakes plays the trombone in real life.

So he did the wedge that in there? He's like Woody Allen just sitting in on jazz sessions. Holographic jazz session. The detective's way better than that. So F. Marie Abraham's plot, by the way, is he's working with this admiral, this crooked admiral, to extract what makes this this immortality work. Right. Which seems like a really good thing. That's a very devious plan.

And the admiral's like, okay, we'll give it to the whole federation. It'll be great. You know what I mean? Everyone's going to live forever. People's lives are going to be enriched by this thing. And all we got to do is relocate these 600, you know, Amish and we'll be fine. There's a couple of times Picard slyly or I guess not so slyly references the Holocaust in this movie. Yeah. In relation to this because, yeah, they're like, listen, we just got to relocate like 600 people.

Fuck it. And he's like, I seem to remember a time on my planet where a certain someone. one relocated a certain some ones, and you're like, yeah, we get it. But then I realized I'm mixing up Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, and I was like, yeah, Picard did live through the Holocaust. Oh, that was Magneto. By mistake. Star Trek loves bringing up Hitler.

They do. Absolutely. Why doesn't Worf ever bring up General Crunfra who did something really terrible on Klingon? He was been eating bones all the time on that. Exactly. Brian babies God knows what General Cromen frown

had a ridiculous non-Clingon mustache just below his nose Most Klingons found it very dishonorable Oh that honor Man he just loves talking about Klingon honor

You're like I get it man You're really proud to be a Klingon He's never allowed to be badass As much as you want him You want him to break somebody's neck And rip the head off Like you want him to do really out of control.

Yeah, like, do the Wolverine berserker rage is what you want. That would be great if he just flipped the fuck out on somebody. Yeah. And was like, Captain, I'm, I have no excuse. Warf's executed. I shouldn't have broken that person in half. I guess I should have stayed on Deep Space Nine. Wharf, why did you come?

Well, I'm like, Blam, and he gets shot. There's another moment of someone getting interrupted, I remember. And it's flipped on Picard Because they're in that shuttle Chasing after data And Worf's like Well, what, Captain, what was that all about Or something?

And he's like, well, well, if it's something my mother And then like the ship gets hit with a laser Yeah No one can get a word in edgewise in this movie Well, because it's plot jutted With just these like kind of fan-centric moments Which is really the problem And neither of them mesh well together.

I don't understand the pandering to the fan base, right? Like, I'm a big Star Trek fan. Anytime something Star Trek related comes out, sign me up, I'm going to take a look at it. I watched way more Voyager than I had any business watching. Like, whatever, man, you know? And, like, I don't like that. It's like, I remember all those things.

I was there. I watched that movie also. Well, it's kind of like the Goodwill Hunting thing. It's like, you're Ben Affleck. Every day you want to see your friend do better. It doesn't matter that you can't see him anymore. It's not exactly what you know your friend for. It's like, I want to wake up, but you're gone.

You're going to be a scientist somewhere. But a lot of these fans just want to get drunk at O'Reilly's with these movies. You know what I mean? Yeah, which is really stupid. Like, as a fan of this property, why do you want to see them just sit and stew in the same old shit? Like, honestly, if they were like, you know what? In this movie, Warf is going to come from Deep Space Nine.

And he's bringing fucking Odo and everybody else, man. and we are going to just flip it. This sounds like one of those Muppet movies. They're on a band. I think it's like the Muppet Christmas where Sesame Street, the Muppets, Fraggle Rock, all of them come together under one house and have this crazy party.

That's what this is sounding like. But just flip it, like do something. Like this is the third movie with this next gen cast. And you know what? They're kind of bored. I mean, they bring it. We were talking about this before we went on the air. They do bring it in this movie.

All of the original cast, they're doing what they're there to do. But I've seen them do it a billion fucking times. And this is really kind of just a lackluster episode. Yeah, it's a, it would be a less exciting two-part episode of the show. Yeah, absolutely. And if you have something where it's like, oh, what's the key to all this? Oh, the crazy wormhole that Deep Space Nine guards. Yeah.

And we got to go to Deep Space Nine and check shit out there. Well, I think a lot of the problem is, like, a lot of fans, like, love something. something and then they want to see it frozen in time forever as that like I want more of it but it has to be more of the same thing like everyone flipped out how like Kirk died or whatever but that's awesome he's not gonna live forever yeah no that's awesome you have some finality to a character like that and not for nothing he lived until Picard was already an old man like he lived longer than Moses yeah Kirk lived like so long in that nexus and you know what though Kirk goes out when he should go out

because you know what was always embarrassing on next generation aside from the Spock appearances like there's that one episode where they find Scotty in a shuttle and he's just been wandering the galaxy aimlessly for 500 years or like Bones is in the pilot and they've got to Forrest Kelly in this redonculus age makeup and they're like oh look it's Dr. McCoy everybody remember and they're fucking like rolling him out

like a monkey on a leash like look everybody it's the famous Bones McCoy And he's like, they should have never done those things. It's so terrible. And thankfully, that's where it ended. Like, in generations, you got Scotty and Chekoff and whatever, who cares. They don't do anything. But you kill Captain Kirk.

That is a bold move. And that's why I don't think that flick gets as much credit as they should. And I think a lot of the backlash is because they did that. Like, oh, my God, how could you possibly? Well, how could you not? He's a fucking human being. He's not a god. And, you know, he's past his prime.

He's not going to be a lot. Give him an on-screen day. death, not just leave it out. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, and have it mean something? What happens to O'Hura? Well, nobody knows because they never did anything about it. You know, she's last seat in Undiscovered Country and that's it. Or, um, no, what's the six one? Undiscovered Country. Is it Undiscovered Country? Okay. What's five? Final Frontiers? Yes. Okay. Man, super nerding out. I love it. I love it so much. So, you know, that's what, that's what's going on here. Wait, what? That's, that's the news. I am

out of here. Yeah. So basically. Yeah, I lost my train here But so basically, you know F. Murray Abraham wants to steal this stuff and like Captain Picard Got wind of it like oh these people They're called the Sona Are trying to you know

Re-locate all these people He doesn't know that the Admiral's in on it Right So Admiral so and so And F. Murray Abraham comes And we can talk about F. Murray Abraham's like character trait is he has this Ball Sacky face because he's very old

And apparently he keeps getting A facelifts like Brazil style facelift? Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is always, those scenes are really weird. He's like, come on, girls, give me your best stretch. And you mean the film Brazil? Yes, yes, not, not the Yeah, they're not waxing his crutch. Well, well, well, we don't know what's going on down there. So who knows? No, that's what Riker's doing in that bathtub. Oh, God, yeah. I feel if, because what happens at the end of that bathtub scene, by the way, is that shitty admiral phones in, like, where's Captain Picard?

And Rikers, like, getting this shave going on. I feel if they hadn't been interrupted, Troy would have turned him into powder. Just coming out of that bathtub like a baby seal. Kept going and going, huh? Just, you know, you tried to do one, then you tried to even out the other, and the next thing you know,

he was, you know, slip sliding all over the place. There's also a gag where he says to Data, or data's like, oh, your beard's gone. And he's like smooth as an android's bottom. And then Brent Spiner like feels his face And he's like My ass is smoother than that And walks away

It's another one of these stupid gags There's so many little gags So they go to Picard's office They go to but yeah Basically he's got this really And like apparently he's like dying Because you know he's so old And like he can only have so many more of these treatments

Before his face just fucking falls right off Just right off And all he's got to really do Is just go home I mean, because that's a twist later on. Oh, big twist in, right? Sorry, I spoiled it. When Picard walks into his office right as the scene starting,

he's like, Computer, how about some music? And they start playing, you know, Picard's classical music that he's always got on. No, not that one. No, about something fun. How about a Mambo? And like, it's Patrick Stewart just, like, shimming to his desk. That's all this movie is, is like,

you expected to see this, but this is a little more fun, right? You didn't expect me to dance the Mambo. Right, well, because what they, you know, realizes their proximity to the rings of this planet is, you know, Benjamin buttoning them and they're all becoming more vivacious and whatnot. Apparently as a teenager, Jean-League Picard listened to nothing but Latin music. And Worf goes through Klingon puberty in this movie. Yeah, he's got Klingon Zitz.

That's why you bring this character back from this other show to give him pimples. You bring this character back from his other show to have a scene where they're on the bridge and Picard is like, where's Worf? And they calm him and Worf oversleft and he like sits up and hits his head and he's like, Mr. Worf, when we're on the

enterprise, we set alarm clock. It's so stupid. There's a scene where Worf sleeps in. Because he's a teenager going through puberty to sleeps in, doesn't care. Warf turns into Zach Morris. And what's great too is when he has this pimple, it's called something else.

in Klingon. Of course it is. It's like, or whatever. I think it's Data or something that says, oh, it's actually just, and then Picard just goes, it's a what? Like, he yelled, like, Worf probably doesn't want attention brought to this, but he is

just given it. Mr. Data, what the fuck is going on with Wolf's face? I mean, was there a car accident to even have cars anymore? So they're in this office. You know, they're given, you know, the admiral's given Picard the what's what. Like, look, this is what's going on.

The federation's behind me. We're all going to do this. And, you know, this is the insurrection scene. Right. Picard's like, no, this is bullshit. It's like Hitler, blah, blah, blah. And, like, the admiral asks F. Murray Abraham to step outside so the big people can talk. And F. Murray Abraham, for the first of many times, just goes, no.

And, like, he does so violently, like, his head starts flee. And it's my favorite shot in the movie. They cut back to Patrick Stewart and he's like embarrassed for him. Oh, yeah. And it's a real like, don't get that on my carpet situation. This enterprise is brand new.

We've had one mission. I think I have a napkin from lunch. Don't move. Tilt your head back. Tilt your bed back. You know what? We'll get you the transcript. Just get out.

I've fallen in such a nerd well. I don't remember if we totally laid this out, but the Federation owns the planet or whatever that they're a part of. And these stretchy faces are trying to, they like have the technology that the Federation for some reason

can't replicate to use this off planets. Yeah, they have to like mine it. They have to like mine and destroy the planet essentially to get this stuff. I don't think it's that they can't do it. It's just that they haven't developed it yet because they don't care. And the whole thing is their way around it is

this admiral is like, no, listen, we're not breaking the prime directive because these people actually do possess tons of advanced technological capabilities. They just choose not to use them. And they're not indigenous to the planet. Right, yeah. They don't live there.

They moved there. They, like, a hundred years ago. And Picard's like, yeah, that's kind of just like some loophole bullshit. Like, you're still messing with the prime directive. And yeah, they have that big fight and F. Murray Abraham's head starts squirting.

And it's just, gross and you know this he's it's time to be insurrection so we get all the guns together and like saddle up lock and load oh man that was that trailer all over the trailer data just cocking the space

shotgun yeah those blasters they introduced like in the movies the space shotguns those are shitty they don't make any sense why would you have a space shotgun you have a the idea is it gets smaller right technology gets better things get smaller

You have this blaster This planet it gets bigger But it can You can set it to fucking kill So it should just There's no reason to have it any bigger But like shotguns are basically For short range

Size be damned They're cocking these things There's an out and out In the future You don't cock shit man It's just ready to go And yeah Instead of

Yeah exactly What are you cocking If anything it should be like a laser warm-up sound like it goes from a green collar to a red collar and it's lethal Dana's poured all this fucking

all these gunpowder down the shotgun plug it with a hole lock and loan I got a musket space musket I got the ingredients for laser beam let me see this put in some laser powder

okay data what do you think we should do saddle up lock and load so they can fight the space revolutionary war so it's like all right let's go down and save these people and of course the funny thing is

they never tried to do this in any other movie so it doesn't really matter but it's really this ship the entire enterprise is eight people it's just eight people oh yeah of course it is well that you know how could you possibly do that any other way unless it's like a full out

like listen we're going to beam down to this planet and we have to wage war on these people so we need like an army of Starfleet officers to get in on this but I mean aside from your your you know your people on the bridge the people that work in engineering and medical officers I mean that's the thing that was always weird

about the enterprise because it's like a whatever class starship there was always all sorts of other cultural things going on and you know people just using it as transport kind of a thing But I also partially think that, like, Picard's like, well, let's not get all these people involved in our treasonous act. Because a lot of Star Trek movies ends up being treason against the Federation. Yeah, someone's breaking the rules.

I'm going to do my own thing and hopefully it'll all work out. And I think maybe the idea is let's not involve all these other crewmen. Right. You probably should if you want to win. Also, you're the entire top brass. Who the fuck's steering the ship? You know what I mean? Riker's there on his little holiday, his little south.

sexy holiday, he stays behind on the ship. So what happens is the lock and load scene. Picard, very badass of him, is trying to just do this all on his own. Like he secretly beams a couple of space suitcases full of gear and he's like, you know, getting ready to like slink off. After he has the whole scene with the Admiral and the Admiral, by the way, greatest example of lazy screenwriting in this movie, Picard's like, well, explain to me your process in so many words.

and the guy totally says it's all very complicated don't ask me to explain it like come on everybody that's what Worf said what the fuck are you doing here exactly well there was a discrepancy in any way so yeah so he's doing that he takes

off his uh his captain buttons like the four buttons on his collar takes it off man he's totally going rogue Picard on this thing just a civilian now exactly that means you can break the rules man you know what bloodshed he's going to kill people He's ready to take lives.

I would love to see that. But he gets caught by all the original cast members. They all are lined up. The ship doctor, the chief engineer, they're all there. They're all just hanging out together. Because they're all just best friends. They end that show. Everybody's just playing cards.

It's the greatest thing. The ending of that show, they're just playing poker. And the ship just goes away. It's so great. But they're all buddies. And they're like, listen, you know, we know what you're doing. And he's like, you know, regulations be damned. you're not going to stop me and then it's the old

we're not going to stop you we're here to help you and part of helping you is Riker and Jordy stay on the fucking ship well somebody's got to steer that thing well the idea is they're going to go and get help from Starfleet and tell them what's going on while

they stop the forced relocation of these other people and that's... There's also a couple of ships out there that you might want to pay attention to you. Yeah the Balchinians have some ships lined up and the whole thing is the admiral's like You know, listen, Picard, you and your team explored, everything's up to code, you know, get out of here. They keep telling them to leave, which is great because it's like the enterprise overstaying its welcome at someone's house.

And they're like, all right, you know what? We're going to go. We're going to go now. See you later. And they take off. But, you know, the Bolchinians know that Picard has actually gone down to the planet to sort this whole thing out. Yeah, he gets his leather jacket on. It's a pretty sick looking leather jacket. aside from the shoulder pants that's pretty bad it's a bit womanly the jacket with the shoulder pants he looks like paula poundstone going out on a saturday night and so like that's the movie finally starts and yeah team team uh gold team is on the thing and blue team is doing whatever is flying to get help so they're they set up all these like the ideas they're the uh sonar are going to like try and transport people off the planet

so they set up these like dampeners and like they try they get them into the mountains to get you know so they can't be transported right yeah if we get to the mountains you know the the frequency out there won't reach they can't steal us but in the meantime in their rush out of the village like they send down all these little drones and these motherfuckers are shooting these people and they're getting beamed against their will it's hilarious that's like what are the coolest things this movie does surprise beaming you just like oh no damn shit you're gone You're just mid-sentence. This part makes me, remember, we should talk about this one thing that's really annoying and sappy in this movie, is data befriends a child.

Because the child is initially scared of data because the whole thing is like, you know, it's just like the village. Like you said, you know, there's all the adults that decided to create this colony and then all the kids that are born to these people don't know the score. It's just like, here we are and this is our lives and they don't know what technology is. So when Data starts flipping the fuck out and shooting that command center and is running around with his not invisible head and all this shit, this kid is freaked out. And then when the dust settles

and he's like, hi, I'm Data, this kid is terrified of him. And just through happenstance, he keeps saving this kid's life and they get to talking and it's like really warm and nice, but it's bullshit because who cares? Who cares about this little kid?

You're trying to escape getting beamed off this planet. And there's one part where everyone is doing this fucking death march into these mountains and Data and this kid just like stop and sit on a rock and Data's like I wish I knew what it was like to be a child

and this kid's like I hate being a kid meanwhile Okay got it There's extras walking behind them They're still marching They didn't take a break But these two are just like You know sit down for a second

Data's like you know My legs are 68.7 centimeters long and they were when I was activated and they'll be the same size. Yeah, but I hate homework. I got a bedtime and data's just like, I would trade fucking anything for a bedtime. I have no idea what sleep is life.

Yeah, totally. He's like, I don't sleep. I have always been this size. He's like, isn't it great? Like, you're constantly changing. Like, your parameters are never the same and blah, blah, blah. And this kid's like, yeah, but homework. And he's like, no, you really don't understand how much I hate.

What a self-loathing Android data is? Oh, yeah. He's not self-actualized at all. By the way, this little kid has also got like this little pocket. Oh, the pocket monster. Yeah, this little, it's like a little space chip mug that's like so adorable. It is the cutest thing in the Star Trek franchise hands down. It's got floppy feet.

And it ripples be damned. And it's got more screen time than Gates McFadden. It's true. Also around this part is as Data is walking on the ridge with some of the female members of this. Oh, this is my favorite part of the movie. And Data says, well, no, Data says, Data overhears them saying how their boobs are firming up. Right, because they're all Benjamin Buttoning. Yeah.

And so Gates McFadden and Marina Sertes are like, hey, you feel your boobs, you know, tightening up a little bit, getting a little firm. And she's like, yeah, no, I do. Isn't it amazing? And Data's like, I have some rations for you. And they're like, Data get out of here. It's so great because he's listening to them like a pervert. Yeah. And Gates McFand is like, thank you, Data.

Thank you. Get out of here, Data. And then he walks over to Wharf and it's like, oh, man, you noticed that your boobs are firming up here? That was a legitimate laugh for me. I'm sorry. It's, it's cheesy, but whatever. I mean, he's a, I know he's a computer bot or whatever, but like, he's got a, he knows, he knows that ladies got boobs. Yeah, and it's inappropriate. He's been around the world

long enough. Is he familiar? Is he familiar, though, with, with, with, with, with 20th century jargon? Because, booze? Well, how long do you think boob will last? No, to be fair, he says breasts. No, it's boo. Are you sure? I think, I think it is. Because he's imitating Dr. Crusher. But, I mean, I don't know. Does boob go extinct in the 25th century? Then why are they using it? But that's what I'm saying. I think. think it may be an an agronistic screenwriting thing. You know what I mean? Like this idiot writing this movie in the late 90s.

And this data's like this screenplay, I don't know what that is. No, I'm saying as a viewer of the movie. Because where else in Star Trek lore is the word boob ever mentioned? Off screen. Oh, I love your boobs. I love your boobs. That just never happens ever. Because they won't let it happen.

First of all. So they wait till the ninth movie to throw up. boob into the screenplay? Let's just not mince words here. Shatner's a tit, man. He never says boobs. He's just all like, oh, man, look those great tits. You know, he's like, because he's one of those guys that pays for it. I'm going to save your

people because of your lovely tits. Picard, because he's got the high road, he says breast. Your bosom. Your bosom. You're bountiful. Yeah, he uses bountiful bosom when he's in one of his ridiculous colonial Holodeck fantasies.

I'm the captain of the ship, and you do have a bountable bosom. I feel like, like, Picard on holiday going to somewhere like Colonial Williamsburg is like the weirdest guy there. Like, he'd just be standing there, like. He makes all the actors uncomfortable because he's way too into it.

You know, I'll tell you what, those things are a really annoying event to have to deal with. I went to one of those in Salem, Massachusetts. it's one time on a field trip, no thanks. That's not how you burn a witch. Data, grab some sticks. That's not how you sweep a floor.

Did you ever go to one of those things, though? And everyone's acting like it's the time period. I would much rather just go to a museum. It's creepy. Than some punk fucking kids like, you know, this is how we do this. And then you talk to them and they refuse to break character. It's the worst.

they're not. They're New England teenagers that were pretending as if they live during the Salem witch hunts. And have you noticed how your boobs have started to thirm up? Not that we care about such things in this day and age. Uh-huh. Thank you, Data. I will give this movie this.

Once they beam down on this rogue mission, it's more or less non-stop action. That's 49 minutes into an hour and 49 minutes movie, though. But what Star Trek movie do you know of that is breakneck constant action aside from that J.J. Abrams movie? Which people rag on, but somebody needed to make Star Trek exciting and sexy and fun. Which is fine.

Exactly. People rag on it are the same kind of people that it's, they're not Ben Affleck at Goodwill Hunting. That was my question when we were talking about that is the, because I don't care. So I haven't looked into this. But I mean, the fan, like the hardcore fan reaction to that. J.J. Abrams flick. Because the only kind of criticism I've ever heard from that movie is the people that are like, oh, yeah, you mean lens flare the movie? Shut the fuck up. That's a thing that happens. Just stop it. I'm talking about like people that are fans of the franchise. Like, you got fans of the franchise right here? You guys like that movie, right? Yeah, yeah. I think it's, yeah, I think there are people that don't like it, but I don't agree with them.

Oh, Captain Kirk stole a car and the Beastie Boys were in there. You know who's going to be fucking timeless? The Beastie Boys. Yeah, you know, you got Gilbert and Sullivan in this movie. I can handle that, like, some dude has... And the thing is, it's a classic car. Yeah, yeah. So maybe he wants some of the classic tunes. Absolutely.

There's a great part in their, in their, you know, escape to which mountain or whatever the fuck they're doing. They stop for water. And Picard just, again, just busting warps balls. It's just like, Mr. Wolfe, it looks like you need. to haircuts. And it's like, oh, yeah, my cling on puberty's happening. I'm so glad I enjoyed this movie where I'm a fucking joke. You know, back on Deep Space Nine, I'm hot shit. What, whatever freshman, go get my, go get me a drink.

Yes, Wolf, you've, you've, you've overseen many trade embargoes and done many deals with Odo at the gift shop on Deep Space Nine. It's kind of like, it's kind of like, it's kind of like, going home to a shitty family and everyone calls you like fatso or something because like nobody but I run a company nah you're still fat timid that ate the pizza that's what it is they have no idea what Worf does

on that space station so they're like yeah yeah okay you and your fancy job on the space station I feel like a realistic reaction would be like Wolf would show up and they'd be like what are you doing here oh that job is filled I can't

do anything for you I'm sorry. Nice to see you. Sorry, you have a long trip back. He's got to call Quark again? How far away are you? Turn around and get me. While I'm gambling or whatever the fuck that piece of shit. Get this octagonal, octagonal money.

God, I fucking hate Quark so much. I'm checking out the boobs over here at the casino. No, Quark goes to space Thailand anywhere, any chance he can. I swear to God I thought that it was Womond. No, Quark, it was a little space boy. It was a 12-year-old Romulan boy, Quirk. He was only 12 years old.

I thought he was one of those races of people that are smaller than most people. No. His boy. Apropos of nothing, there's a moment where this this live forever lady is staring at Picard again all this like crap

conversation that's happening on this march to this cave and he's like what are you looking at? And she goes it's been 300 years since I've seen a bald man and Picard kind of looks at her like thank you I guess

that's the last thing you ought to do when you're quitting somebody Picard also has a great line where he's like I've always been into older women or whatever yeah it's a big old stupid joke. That's a James Bond line, if I've ever heard. If James Bond encountered a woman that could live forever.

She has a superpower, which makes no sense. Oh, yeah, let's get into this. It's the same scene. So they're by this waterfall, and she's like, they're sitting down, and she's like, you have to live in the moment. He's like, whatever, can we make out? She's like, no, you have to really, it's really important for us here. Just

stop and listen. And the waterfall starts going slower and this hummingbirds going slower. And he's like, how are you doing this? And again, because it's lazy screen around, he's like, don't ask so many questions. Just sit here and watch it. Now, I've made this wager on some episodes before,

but I feel, again, because quite literally, nothing comes of this superpower. Other than it's a real DASS Machina for two seconds, you know, a few minutes later in the movie. But I feel like these FX Wizards was like, hey, we just got this sweet new add-on for After Effects. It makes everything slow down around you except the actors. Can we use it in Star Trek Insurrection?

Yeah, we'll wedge it in. Why not? We'll figure a way out. Don't ask so many questions. Yeah, exactly. Don't ask us how we'll do it, but we'll figure it out. Because it just, it's useless. It's absolutely useful. She's showing him that she can have very tantric moments. Man, we were talking about tantric sex last week. I don't want to get into it again. Well, step away. It's a waste of time.

It only exists in the Nexus. You got that much fucking time. I've got to go to work tomorrow. That's my Rodney Dangerfield joke of the week. That would have done Rodney proud, I feel. The fuck's a Nexus. Get out of here. He breaks my glasses.

Call me back when you're done with science school. So, I mean, we can just talk about it. She uses this power one more time They're in a cave The stupid idiot kid leaves his space chipmunk behind He runs back for it She runs back for him Picard runs back for the both of them

They get out of the cave Kid escapes with data Rock cave in And Homegirl's fucking stuck under a bunch of stones And Picard's like now just hang on Don't go anywhere And she's like no you can do it now Remember that thing I showed you about

You just do it Oh you have no practice with it Or experience whatsoever you'll be fine and then Picard just does it you're like what is happening so that you know the crusher can get there and give her the medicine and it's like what yeah there's like oh she's dying too like her vital signs are you know fading rapidly whatever are we going to do and yeah she just you know slows everything or he slows everything down and she's like see I told you you didn't have to think about it didn't have to think about what of course you did

you're slowing down space and time there's got to be a formula somewhere Just let it happen, man. Don't ask somebody questions. Just let it happen. Just let it go. Do it. You can do it, Sean Luke. Remember that Mambo, you dance to.

The vitality inside you. That is so creepy. But it's fucking creep city. He's like, you're dying. And she's like, no, I'm not. Do it. Deal with it. Save me from the inside out.

I guess I'll just slip it in there. If we've got all this time I'll take it easy I'll be real slow with it That's how you want it right Time enough at last Meanwhile on the Enterprise Riker is trying to get help

And like this area is called The Briar Pratch because it's all sorts of There's gas There's meteorids Meteorites I don't know Asteroids That's what it is

It's a meteorite Which is I think when it hits Earth Yeah I think it's like a piece Of a meteor Right Yeah Maybe there's Asteroids. How about that?

Asteroids, gas pockets, all sorts of undue weather. Big old fart class. Exactly. So they're getting blasted by this Sona ship, which somehow gets the drop on the Enterprise bullshit. And... Yeah. Well, Riker was too busy with his heart on. I guess...

And so, you know, they're trying out run this ship. They're like, it's the old Han Solo thing. Let's go into the asteroid belt. You know what I mean? And so let's do that from Star Wars. They wind up, they get so much damage, they have to eject the warp core because the Sona has this reality altering gun

that was banned called whatever. And there's a rift in space time. So Jordy's like, I don't know, fucking shoot the warp core at it. Which is my favorite kind of Star Trek logic. Dump the X onto whatever we're running from and then blow X up and maybe we'll be okay. it's going to do one of two things.

Destroy whatever you're running from or the explosion will be such that you are pushed forward fast enough away from whatever rift is going on. It's amazing. It's a Star Trek fail safe that has never once not worked and they just go back to it

constantly. So yeah, just dump it. Just dump that fucking warp core. Like flush in a toilet. Flush the ship's toilets at this fart cloud and see what happens. We have to flush all the toilets at once. Everybody

line up, get ready. It just spews all this plumbing. There's a bunch of blue liquid just going at it. 5,000 flushes. Good for 5,000 flushes. We only have these mini proton torpedoes. Everyone put them in the toilet, flush them. And they have this amazing.

So they have this thing where they close the rift in space time, luckily. And these guys are still after them, and the ship's all banged up. So Riker does what he pens, the Riker maneuver, which he uses the engine like a vacuum to suck up all this gas and spray it at the soda. It just farts in their face. I pen the Riker maneuver to be, if you're getting your asshole eaten out and you fart in someone's face, it's the Riker maneuver. Riker's like, all right, Jordy, get ready. We're going to do a space blumpkin on them.

And it works. It totally works. They are destroyed beyond belief. It's the fart of, you know, heard round the galaxy. And then I think around this point is when F. Murray Abraham has an argument with that admiral. So basically, Picard gets kidnapped first.

He's hilariously kidnapped, beamed. Him and the woman are kidnapped, as is everyone else that was in the principal cast that isn't the from Star Trek oh this whole like everyone you know from the village is there there's a couple of villagers that have more than five lines so they're considered tertiary characters

and like F. Murray Abraham comes into the brig and he's like this is what's going to happen we're going to steal your planet and then there's a very long exposition scene where we find out that the sonar actually these people the Baku there was a group of kids that were exiled because they tried to take over the country and they were exiled from the country that

they wanted to they wanted in on technology. They wanted to know what was beyond the stars. It's the Amish thing. They had their like, what were they call that? You get like a year off. They had the Rumspringer. Yeah, exactly.

That's totally what it is, dude. They had Baku Rumspringer. And they're like, fine. Go see what you can do. And then they came back to Balchianians. That's what happened. And, you know, it's like, oh my God, you totally betrayed us, blah, blah, blah.

And at this point, the Admiral's like, oh, I made a terrible mistake. And, you know, F. Murray Abraham's like, fuck you, not a character, who cares? And he walks away. And then there's a fight inside the operation room where F. Marie Abraham gets his facial, his facials?

Yes. He gets facial to every day. He gets his stretches there. Yeah, or he gets his Brazil stretches. And it's really the only time F. Maria Abraham's actually villainous. Because the rest of the movie, he's just like, no!

He's just a cranky old bastard through the rest of this movie. And then we get to see two men in their late 60s fight. Which is what you want. Gotta love a sweet old man action scene. F. Marie Abraham tosses this admiral into the stretcher machine

and it just sort of like just stretches his face and he goes, it's a really bad effect too. Like his eyeballs just bug out a little bit. It looks like bad Photoshop. It looks almost, it looks what looks a little better but it's also a terrible effect?

Is it when Bruce Davidson turns into a bunch of jelly in the first X-Men movie? Yes, it looks exactly. like that. Yeah. It's really really stupid. We should mention here now because this character's gone. Is that Admiral was almost played by Wilford Brimley? You

want an instant A-plus Star Trek insurrection? How do you not let that happen? He couldn't have said no. You know what? If he said no we'll offer you double, you know? Off for him double. Oh, absolutely. There's money in the budget. Yeah. These Balchian

God damn what, like can you imagine? him just so fucking furious at F. Murray Abraham? And you would have Wilford Brimley and Patrick Stewart share a scene together. Picard, stop being such a goddamn pussy, goddain. Hey, John,

Luke. Come on. I can just imagine, like, Patrick Stewart doing his Shakespearean vocal warm-ups and, like, Brimley's drinking his sass of whiskey. And it's like, I don't get all this highfalutin Star Trek. Hey, Pat.

I didn't know we was filming a musical. Gilbert and Sullivan, none. Hank Williams and Hank Williams, Jr. I wish. Oh, just talk about Hollywood missed opportunities. So that guy's dead. Also, Gene Hackman passed on the roll. Good fucking luck.

It's like when... That was a nice night move of him. Like... Doesn't really work, but let's go. with it. Night move has a, is it night moves where he's got on that boat and he's like, uh, Gene Hackman's like, I remember those

nights together we had, you're a wrecked nipples. Yeah, it's a great out of control line of that movie. Night moves. Check it out. It's a good movie. But yeah, like, okay, imagine okay, casting Star Trek insurrection. Star Trek

insurrection and you're casting this movie. Your cast is the kid who's definitely going to go to a community college okay and this kid is applying to all these community colleges and then he's like you know what I'll also apply to Harvard

that's what it's like to consider Gene Hackman for a role in a Star Trek movie like I'm sorry talk about impossible he would have had to been in some dire Michael Kane I need a new garage fucking straight to be in a Star Trek

and that's what I respect about Gene Hackman is he never got that bad because he's just like you know Fuck, I'll do Lowe's commercials, baby. He made that mistake and he banished himself from acting. He went from one of the greatest roles of his career as Royal Tenenbaum and then did Welcome to Mooseport with Ray Romano.

Saw what happened. Saw himself on that screen. He was like, you know what? I will never act again. Self-exile. Yeah, I'll show myself out. Popeye Doyle fired himself from Hollywood because of a role. And he was that bad. I mean, come

There was a lot of jokes I told We were both running for mayor It was funny Fucking welcome to Mooseport So the last act of this movie We're all on the ship And you know F. Murray Abraham kills the Admiral

He's got no qualms about doing any evil shit now He could finally be a villain At an hour and 25 minutes in So he's like all right We're going to destroy the planet I've got this big crazy looking satellite That looks like a drill We're going to destroy the

Kind of listen to the drill they use actually in the Abrams Star Trek movie a bit. Yeah, absolutely. The drill that they used to kill Vulcan. Yeah, it's kind of the same thing. Big weather, balloon, space-looking thing. So they're going to use this thing, and he's got his crew. And what happens is Picard figures out this plan. He does the old double bluff on him, where he teleports this entire crew onto the Holodeck ship

and makes them think they're still on their ship. And then they enact the plan, and F. Marie Abraham's like, all right, here we go. We totally did it. That planet's dead. And we have, you know, all the resources from it. And then they realize that they got duped and he's pissed and all this stuff. And then basically there's a big showdown between Picard and F. Murray Abraham. Two more 60-year-old men dukeying it out. Yeah, like F. Murray Abraham actually goes to the ship, the actual ship that can initiate this destruction.

Yeah, the drill ship. Picard follows him. Old man, Rob, yada, yada, yada. F. Murray Abraham lets out one final, no! And explodes. So he's just, he's He's engulfed in flames

and Picard is beamed to safety. And the rest of the son of his mouths taste like far because they just got the riker maneuver all over him. And that's, I mean, really, that's kind of the end of the movie. What's crazy is this movie really wraps up a titch too fast.

The flick's only like an hour and 47 minutes or so, But, like, they go back to the planet. Data, you know, is kind of playing with the kid. The kid, you know, digs on them now and their buddies and everything. And then Picard's like, hey, I have 318 days of vacation. I'm going to come back and fuck your brains out, but I just can't do it right now. And then they beam away and it's credits. There's no captain's log.

There's no wrap up. No one's playing cards. There is. You see, you see Quark in his space pickup. He's like, I also dig on kid. What about that? A quark, a planet of eternal children. He's honking the horn.

Hey, eh, eh, space horn. Worf, come on. Wharf, we gotta get back to deep space nine. Cisco's gonna have our asses. I hope he has my ass. Oh, yeah, Warf's into every... Quark is into everything. Oh, absolutely.

You know he's got both nipples pierced. We're all six nipples pierced. There's chains connecting all of them, like some sort of punk rock cow? Drag me around by them. There's some fan, there's some slash fiction. Oh, Dax, you've got a woman and a man inside. Shep on my balls. Where does this stand in next generation films?

It's number three. It's second to last. No, I kind of, no, actually, I kind of remember like. Nemesis a little more. Because the action's a little, there is any consequences, even though what happens to data and Nemesis is really stupid. Yes. That something happens to the main cast that

matters in one way or another. There's some stakes. There's a clearly defined villain, which F. Murray Abraham certainly is. And I think he's a great actor. He's a deniably great actor. But he has nothing to do or think in this movie. At least Tom Hardy and Nosferatu, Ron

Perlman, know what they're doing in that movie. And it's kind a sweeter thing because it's Romulins and the Romulins in that movie are finally like you know what we're done being stepped on man we're just gonna fucking destroy Earth and that's the end of it because who cares

I haven't seen it in forever but I remember liking Nemesis less and this movie is bad but again it's like what we were saying it's like an episode and I could sit through an episode but then if a movie's like so I would rank at first contact is the best and then generations

and then this and then the nemesis that's the way I do you would swap nemesis yeah I mean even though nemesis burned that bridge because this was a financially successful movie at the very least the nemesis was not oh yeah no I remember seeing nemesis in the theater

I saw both of these in theaters I think and I remember specifically the nemesis screening like opening day this theater was fucking barren it was really sad would either of you recommend this I wouldn't I don't like this movie

I find it really boring I don't think that there's really stakes it's a lot of just going off the steam of what people like about the show which is great but the problem is the setup of First Contact is so good and it's like we can make these excellent movies

and we have the cast we have a great pantheon of villains why wasn't there a Q movie I know the Q is kind of sort of wrapped up in the last episode of the show but there should have been John Delancey as a main villain in a movie and this would have been a perfect one for you needed a Q movie I agree about that Eric

I would say no, I would say no, I feel like there's probably like eight or nine Star Trek movies you could watch instead, that are better. Yeah, that's actually very true. I mean, I would recommend it, unfortunately. I feel, I agree with you in almost every aspect of it. I think, you know, there's no villain. They totally burn all the momentum that they built up with First Contact. You know, I mean, because the end of First Contact, man, that is a runaway train of, like, hardcore. like good story. I think

the biggest difference, and we were kind of talking about this earlier, but I think one of the main differences between First Contact and this movie is that First Contract has Alice Kriege as the Borg Queen, and it's an amazing villain. You're working in

elements of the show. Everybody remembers, you know, Locutus of Borg and all that stuff, and that comes back into play. Everyone has something really important to do. Data's learning about himself. Riker and Jordie are dealing with suffering Cochran

like there's a lot riding on on that movie there's so many stuff I mean everyone in that movie has to come through or else everybody

loses kind of thing which is really awesome and yeah I mean the stakes are high like here in this the stakes are low

I do dig on the whole like we're rogue Starfleet officers doing this mission that's completely off the books which which I've seen Kirk

do every single time it does happen a lot but it's still it's cool to see you know and I know that we've been ragging on people

People that like more of the same all the time throughout a franchise or whatever. But for some reason, that works to me. I don't think it's a good movie. I think if you're a fan of the franchise or you're just getting into it, you should still totally check it out. You're not going to waste your time. It's worth watching. I'll definitely put that on the chips. But, I mean, it's a weak recommend for me.

Ah, we finally did it. We finally did Star Trek Insurrection. We barely talked about it. We had a good time barely talking about it. Are your boobs firming up right in? Well, by the way, I didn't want to make a bad joke about boobs firming up and Brent Spiner's budding breasts in this movie, which is part of the reason why they couldn't continue with Fred Spiner. And he's always like, and he will fully admit to that, like, this is why you can't play a robot forever.

However, just invent data's got a fucking biology chip and his fucking ass is blowing out now. Are you saying he didn't bring his fat chip? That out there is still like a That's like a potion.