We Hate Movies - S8 Ep318: Episode 318 - Samurai Cop

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang finally gets around to a hotly anticipated title, the absolutely fun and ridiculous, Samurai Cop! The final selection in the now-defunct Patreon Selects tier, this D-Grade cult classic features one of the worst wigs in cinema history, no less than five parking lot fight scenes, and several goons on PCP! PLUS: Patrick Stewart and the TNG cast get dragged to the film's big Hollywood "premiere!" Samurai Cop stars Robert Z'Dar, Mathew Karedas (here as Matt Hannon), Janis Farley, Mark Frazier, Melissa Moore, Gerald Okamura, Dale Cummings, Cranston Komuro, and Joselito Rescober as "Costa Rican Waiter"; directed by Amir Shervan. And hey, gang, be sure to catch us this year at the L.A. Podfest, October 6-8. More information is available at www.lapodfest.com! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, is this the final of these now defunct Patreon select? Yes, they are. This is the last one. Well, thank goodness. It's Samurai Cop on We Hate Movies. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always, this week. Like I said, up top, it's a Patreon selected episode. And I do want to specify, you said the now defunct Patreon, and I don't want anyone to get that idea. We just took away a tear that we can panic in Eric's eyes. Please, please, please, do not take a Patreon away from me.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies where there's now, I've counted Chris, counted the beans. All of them? Yep. There's over 24 hours, over 24 hours of bonus content available to unlock right now. That is a lot of fat guy voice. A whole fucking tonnage. Right, but we one point had a tier where you could sponsor an episode,

you could kind of curate it, and it just got too confusing because there was too many of them. So we've eliminated that tier, but there's so many, there's an embarrassment of riches on there otherwise. We couldn't have done it because then we wouldn't have been able to program anything because it was a room. We like to do that. But we had to do this one, I guess. So who was this person that rewarded us with this selection? This was Kevin. Hi, Kevin.

Hi, Kevin. And it's been so long Kevin might have passed on. I mean, I don't know, I'm completely honest. Hopefully not because, you know, since this is an episode Kevin sponsored, this goes directly to his phone. and no one else is. And if you are listening to this right now, it is an illegal leak. Contact the FBI, the IRS, all of them.

Well, shit, man. I mean, if that's the case, I hope Kevin is, like, around L.A. because what the fuck do we do that plug for? I don't know. Kevin, are you coming? Kevin? Hey, Kevin, you there?

Cav? Oh, no, we left Kevin at home. Samurai Cop from 1991, directed by Amir Shervon. he was a successful filmmaker in Iran and then he tried to make it in Hollywood and just made a bunch of movies like this. It's dated in 1991. This is 1978.

Oh, my God. I mean, in the look and feel of everything, 1978. There is nothing about this movie that says to me George Herbert Walker Bush was in office at the time of production. I mean, I don't know.

It looks like reservoir dogs can be taking place up to the street, right? That's kind of true. You think so? Nuts? Yeah, I mean, that's true. I mean, like, who knows? It's just warning.

There's a samurai cop, and Tim Roth was what? He was an undercover samurai. Oh, right. He was a Ronan, one of those Ronans. Listen to me, Marvin Nash. I'm a samurai cop. Don't pussy out on me now. Give me my katana sword.

Fuck you. I'm wearing a wig. Fuck you. Oh, excuse me. Are you a ninja? Are you a ninja? Then how do you know a ninja star is going to kill you.

I'm sorry. What I was going to say before you started screaming like a lunatic is that you said that it's very porny. And one of the things I love about this movie is that hardcore fucking could start at any second on this movie. It's amazing. It was ill-advised to actually make a movie here. You should have made a porn.

It would have been a lot more. I think you got a lot more coverage. People would have come to see it. Dude, lesson there. Man, we should have made a porno. I mean, you know what? You imagine Zadar and a porno? It's star power.

It's just about there. I mean, Zadar, Robert Zadar himself, with a ponytail, by the way, playing a Japanese guy. Was he really? He definitely is playing a Japanese guy. His name is Yamashito, right? Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. I thought that was a cute nickname.

That's what I thought, too. I thought, like, maybe he went to Japan and he got that name. No, no, no, no, there's no quotes on the I and B page. It's not Jimmy Yamashito Johnson. What's this dude's name? Joe Samurai quotes Marshall, right? Yes. Joe Marshall, Jim Marshall's

younger brother. So that's a nickname. President Jim Marshall's younger brother. Samurai is a nickname. It's not an honor. Yeah, they're like, oh, they call you samurai. But Robert Zedar, no, he's playing a Japanese person. But what I was saying was when you get to Robert Zedar's sex scene, I mean

you see a woman's vagina. Like, it's not just like what you would, like, qualify as full frontal nudity. Please paint a picture for the folks at home, Georgia O'Keefe. Well, you just did. You see this woman's vagina. We open on the southwest. Is that a flower? This is a first brush stroke.

Here's the second brush stroke. And now the audience is stroking. No one stroked it to this movie. Oh, yes, they did. Yes, they did. Some 13-year-old kid, definitely. And this was direct to video, right? So VHS.

and you take it home, right? You wear out certain parts? Well, possibly this part that I'm trying to talk about. Robert Zedar's hot sex scene in this movie, you just see a woman's vagina and you're like,

well, I thought I was watching Samurai Khan. Hot. Robert Zadar, hot. The beard that he has is covering up his fucked up face in this movie. I actually think he looks pretty good in this. I agree.

He's very thin, too. This is a good look for Robert Zadar. He actually has a good ponytail. We were talking about ponytails on it. This is the ponytails. I was talking about. A nice thin, well-created ponytail. If I had to have a ponytail, it would be this.

You do. That's going to be a new Patriot, Tier. Two interesting fact-toids about this movie. One, every single shot was only done in one take for the most part. Two, the entire movie takes place during the day because they couldn't afford artificial lighting equipment. Fan fucking tastic. Porn. Just shoot a porn.

You don't need lighting. Need a house. Even pornos have fake lights in them, man. That's a good point. How do you think all those boobs and schlongs look so good? Artificial lighting. I think what he's doing is like that movie the Terrence Malick John Smith Pocahontas movie.

What was that called? The New World. The New World, natural lighting, like nothing but natural lighting. Barry Lyndon. Yeah, he's pulling a Barry Lyndon. Yeah, exactly. Do you think of you, well, he's long dead, but there's director, Kubrick?

Amir Shurban. Kubrick's also long dead. But if you think you ask this dude They're playing chess and ale Big time Like hey man You know who we were influences While making samurai cop

You'd be like well Kubrick's Barry Lyndon of course What with the Natural Lighting And porn Lots of porn Seven samurai This is the closest to the room

We have ever and ever will get I feel Just because the sleazy porn atmosphere The fact that every line is hilarious It's a riot like you could just you can't you could do a minute by minute of samurai cop you shouldn't but you could do a minute you know what people thinking about starting their own podcast don't do something else the world doesn't need a minute by minute samurai cop podcast but you could because

there's every literally every line is funny so it's a recommend up front I would say like people if you're interested you could pause this and check it out yeah I would say it's a total recommend it's a without question this is this is the WLM first time I've seen this Well, so thanks, Kevin. There's a great episode. I'll see you guys. No, no, we'll do a whole thing. So we start...

We'll do a whole thing. We start with a shot of Okamura, who is an actual Japanese man. He's like a stunt man. That's the guy with a cool beard. Cuttles like Japanese Bam Bam Bigelow. Did you see that in the Tribune, he supplied all the weapons for this?

Brought him from home. Somebody was going to bring him from home, man. You're not renting them from someone. some weapons license. It's either, it's either Jerry or a bunch of cinderblots, honestly. His name was Jerry. Gerald Alcumura, yeah. Go to Jerry's got all the weapons, man.

Yeah, we're going to cast this guy, not for his acting ability, but his weapon collection. He was in Big Trouble and Little China. Yep. A bunch of other stuff. He's been a bunch of, John Carpenter rented weapons.

Hot shots part two. You think Jerry was like, you know, man, hey, John, I got, you know, don't worry. Gerald. You focus on your performance and your performance alone. I'll bring them from my home. But I can get, I just I got the keys to my storage space.

Gerald, Gerald, read the script again. Just load up that van. Think about what your character is feeling when he turns into a dog. He's feeling like he wants to bring his fucking swords from home. You're going to be on the same stage as Mr. Kurt Russell. So would you please?

So yeah, we open up, we basically find out that there's a gang war between a Chinese gang and the katana gang you were already paying way more attention to this movie than I will because they go so it's like all right we're going to go we're going to absorb this Chinese gang and but if not we'll kill them and when you here's the thing when you're a gang and a gang offers to absorb you and you don't want to be absorbed right don't bring everyone to the don't go to the meeting at all like just be like that's a phone call like no click yeah thanks anyway

not just like I want to show up and shake hands and hope we all work and no You're going to be a politely turn down a hostile takeover. Also, maybe a restaurant somewhere where like a violent act might be reported. And also we're a little hungry. Yeah, everybody looks a little hungry in this. Probably no craft services. Oh, no. Someone ran out to Burger King at the end of the day.

It's like if you want the Burger King, stick around after we're done shooting or you can go home and eat yourself. And the actors have to eat from this trough. Yeah, so this is our first action scene, and it's Robert Zadar. This red-haired lady who's, like, played up as a heavy, but doesn't do anything ever. Yeah, she has one name. What's her name? Oh, it's like Christine or something. The actress herself went by one name.

Oh, Cameron. Cameron, yeah, there you go. She was on TNG. Several episodes as some, like, engineering ensign, and she also was Gates McFadden's stand-in. Gates, are you going to go to... Cameron's movie opening, Samurai Cop. I don't know. Can we just skip it?

Is it okay to skip it? Have a little fucking tact, and don't invite the entire crew to your stupid movie premiere. Samurai Cop. What is that? I mean, I'm sorry. Brent, can you tell me

what a fucking samurai cop is? Jonathan, Michael, LeVar. Anyone tell me what a fucking samurai cop is? Oh, I'm definitely. not going to the side. Oh, Dorn skipped it, man. I got better things to do. They got a theater near me

is playing Batman again. You know what? Go get Wheaton. Go tell Wheaton to go. You tell him there's boobies in it. You love it. She can hear you. She's standing right behind.

She's crying by the door. It's just swoop it so you can't hear it. It's just Patrick Swayze. Or Patrick Swayze. Patrick Stewart going on this diatribe by the fucking Paramount Comest. And another thing about that stupid idiot, she can't act to save her life. Be in a movie, Sam your eye off.

Do you believe it? They're out of chicken salad again. Well, I believe that stand-ins shouldn't be allowed near the regular actors, Patrick. Sir Patrick, you don't. I bet this happened. I bet exactly that. I think so. This sounds true to life.

Or was the thing where, like, she was keeping it secret and somebody found out of, about it and then like it's spread around the set of TNG. Or like a little giggles and like someone rented it and it's just like, can you believe it? Well look at Cameron. She's completely naked in this movie for no. Oh, there's her vagina.

It's just terribly awful. So we cut to Joe Marshall and Frank something. Frank Washington. Frank Washington, who's an African American cop, which is something you need to say because that's

All that's going on. Oh, boy. All the references to this dude's huge cock. It's awesome. It's like whatever fucking numskull wrote this movie. It's like, what could we give this character? Well, a huge dick. A suit?

Yeah, I think maybe a suit. A suit to house his huge dick. So I think he is like, they're, they're, Old friends, I believe, is what you're... Yeah, they're old friends. He's, like, bringing his buddy in because he's the only one that can understand the Katana gang. Joe Marshall is... San Diego?

Yeah, San Diego. He was on the San Diego PD. But whenever I say his name, I think, of Frank Marshall. Hey, we got to catch this samurai coper ready. Well, I keep on thinking of Air Force One, President Jim Marshall and his younger brother. Get off my katana. So, yeah, so Frank Washington brings Joe Samurai Marshall to L.A. to help with this gang situation. And also, it's the warring factions of the gang, but I think as far as the police are concerned, this is a Coke thing. Yeah, it's a drug problem.

Like, there's drugs on our streets. You need to get them off. I think the problem is this police department is far too horny to get any work done. Oh, my God. This is out, and again, outside of a cop porn. this is the horniest police department in cinema and I'm looking at you police academy franchise so there's like some boat and we're trying to we're trying to you know intercept this guy there's coke on the boat this coke on the boat our coke on the boat our coke and he there's a helicopter it's

helicopters don't work this way he called this lady this lady helicopter it goes underwater a lady helicopter what is it happens it's got a little bow on top of the Propellers. Do Pixar make this? No, it's a lady helicopter. Who voices the helicopter? Roseanne. I'm gonna catch you.

And there's a go, it goes, wow, and then it eats all the Chinese food or whatever happens in that opening credits. Well, it depends upon what season you're watching. Sometimes you're eating pizza. Sometimes it's Chinese food.

Sometimes we're playing poker. And you know what? Roseanne wins all the chips. No, it's a lady helicopter pilot. Right. And she's landing the plane and Joe... Landing a helicopter. Landing the helicopter.

And Joe's like... Which is not a plane. Joe calls her and he's like, we need you. And she's like, I'm landing. Okay, I guess I'll... It's not like you're pulling into your driveway and you just pull out. Like, you need to refuel.

It takes... I imagine I think... If you're a helicopter pilot, But mail it into the We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Yeah. I want to hear your helicopter stories. Let us know your helicopter's gender. So it's kind of a chase thing, right?

It's sort of a chase thing. Yeah, what the hell? You can call it a chase thing. I'll call it. I mean, they're going after this blue van. Which I think the Coke went from the boat into the van. It did. Yeah.

Now the Coke's in the van. And I think what the helicopters deal is like she's just keeping an eye on things. You know, keeping it in view as they're trying to like chase this van. kind of dirty talking with Joe to get him worked up for later. I mean, you know what you want to say to somebody right when they're about to start a huge dangerous car chase mission is like a bunch of shit to get them really

horny and distracting. Well, she says something like, keep it up and he's like, oh, it'll stay up. You just keep it worn. And what's ridiculous though is like, this dude has just blown into town. How are you this confident that you're going to fuck this person? Have you seen this dude? He's doing all right. Seriously. Have you seen this guy? Yeah, I saw the movie.

He's got a long hair. He's turning on to Wilmore Avenue. I've got him in my sights. Also, I'm not wearing underwear. I mean, yeah, this dude is very handsome. I think this is kind of like the only movie he's done. This and the sequel that happened 25 years later. Did anyone see that?

I did not. But it does feature Tommy Wazzo. I was going to say, speaking of the room. So we're driving down the highway. And this is one of the best things that happens in this movie is like, it's the old like the back of the van opens and we're shooting and this dude is this is this is uh marshall here he's driving this car and he's just like i gotta say the acting in this movie surprisingly it's terrible uh-huh but like the whole thing almost is ADR yes and the ADR is even

lazier than the acting and this dude's like pretending he's in a high speed chase and it's like shoot shoot shoot man it's great and speaking of No, no. It's talking about shooting. It's all between Burger King burps. So, like, what did you expect from this ADR session? This is the second time the king has come up on this episode. Somebody's hungry. But yeah, no, also, don't tell me to, I know I have to shoot this guy. Like, that's, I'm, I'm a cop, too, man. I'm Frank Marshall. You're supposed to indiscriminately shoot people. That's what they tell you in the academy. No. So they are, Frank Washington, Frank Washington, and I believe John or Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe Marshall. We should talk about the wig at this point because it comes there's a story behind the wig. There's a wig?

No, you're kidding. Who's wearing the wig? Are you fucking serious? A little bit. Joe Marshall. Samurai. That's not natural. Dude. Every other scene. Every other shot is Oh, does it fall in off?

No, he shot half the movie and he thought he was done with natural long hair and then he got a haircut and then they put a lady's wig on him for reshoots. Oh, that's awesome. Which is, but it's not like, this part of the movie is this, and that part of the movie is not. Was it a helicopter lady's wife?

But he thought, like, when he was like, oh, come back for reshoots, we'll just, we'll put a wig on you. He thought it was just going to be like a few, like, corrective scenes or whatever, and it was literally like another half of the movie. But it was also A, it was seven months after the original shoot. Well, of course it was.

So, like, come on. Yeah. But also, B, it's not like, now these days, they have that in your contract. Like, you cannot. do anything like that. This has to look the same for a couple of years probably. Unless your Superman then you grow a mustache and have it digitally removed. But what a stupid thing. I'm

more shocked that this movie had any reshoots at all. Yeah, I mean I guess it's just because it's like trash and it's like a one take trash. I guess maybe reshirts is the wrong way to put it. They just like had to stop making the movie for seven months. Oh, you're right. Oh, bankruptcy happened then they started up again.

They filed for bankruptcy but then they just said they were done with the movie and then when they started again after the bankruptcy went through. They brought Tony Gilroy on. Start rewriting parts. And it turned out like Ron Howard directed part of it after that. I mean, it was crazy. Oh, the Darth Vader scene.

The Vader scene seems like much. Oh, my God. Vader cop. No, Vader cop. I like that. You got a robocop? Got a vampire cop. Got a samurai cop.

Yeah, I guess you could have a Vader cop or at least like a, you know, a Darth cop. But then you have an Emperor Vader pretty quickly then. Oh, totally. from cop Vader. Oh, shit. Is that like Vader with like a little emperor on his back? A baby emperor. Yeah, like a master blaster.

So, but yeah, this wig's bad. It looks even worse on the Amazon Prime Blu-ray rip that you get. Oh, boy. You really just see. It's just sitting on his head like a bird's nest. I mean, and there's like fight scenes in this movie and that thing's hanging on for dear life.

Like, it's really bad. I get the cult Blu-ray thing as, blowing up right now. There was no reason to put this on Blu-ray. No. It's astounding. You know what's interesting though? It's like this whole cult Blu-ray thing and there's like companies you know like vinegar syndrome. Vinegar syndrome, Twilight Time, Synapse Films. So Synapse Films did this Asperia thing which is great. But like a lot of these companies, it reminds me of the olden days where like literally anything came out on VHS. Yes. Yeah. We're kind of getting back to that. This is a great example.

Good. Yeah. Yeah. No, these shitty movies should look as best as possible. but that's the problem is you know they're like oh when we when we view it through this shitty camera it looks like fine but now that it's like Blu-ray quality it works like it's and we're playing it mostly in porno theaters anyway so can I say one of my favorite parts

about this movie and you know some company out there that puts out film soundtracks or some shit the score in this movie is awesome and ultra 80s as all get out and I feel like if you can put chopping mall out on vinyl which I own and listen to

how often you know kind of around Halloween time I'll put it on that's when I put on my season of the witch vinyl which I also have you can put you can put the soundtrack

to Sam right now I'm sure somebody's working on that right now I mean there's so many losers like me that would buy it yeah there are losers like you but back to this chase scene one of the dudes gets shot out of the van and it's awesome because Washington

is like look out and then he's like bump bump and then like I mean I can't get over this ADR acting it's like oh no I ran over it it's so fucking terrible another guy gets caught on fire and then they're like oh we should we should take care of that guy

we should take care of it oh that dude's awesome because the van bursts into flames the one thing is like how did Brandon Lee die on the set of the crow and nobody died on the set of samurai cop what are the odds on that well dude you know that's when you're like when you think of things like well

you know Bill Paxton's dead but Jared Fogel still walking the earth it's kind of like that. By all reports, nobody died on the set of seven. Maybe that's what caused that fucking seven month vacation. It's a cover up. I'm getting to feel and one of them gets put, like, one of the first

guy who got set on fire, gets pulled away and, you know, there's... There's so sick. God, it's just so sick. One of my favorite things to do while watching this movie and like taking, you know, loose notes for this episode.

Sure. Is, uh, just writing down all the dialogue. And Washington, when this guy's on fire and they both jump out of the car, Washington just goes, do something, man, he's burning. There's a lot. It's like repeated. He's like, he's burning. It's burning. Get a blanket. Get a blanket. Well, here's my question, Chris, because I've never taken a screenwriting class or, of course, or anything like that. Because once we get to the police station, which is the next kind of movement of the film, there's a lot of high and goodbye. You know what I mean? Like, people are like, oh, hello. Hi, hi, Joe. Hi. Hi.

Hey. Bye, Susan. Hey, Samurai. Well, we're following around Joe Marshall, and you live through his experience. You get to see, like, he's, he's walking us through. Right. We're not cutting to the world. Exactly. We're not cutting to the middle of that scene to get to the point. We'll do that later. We are living in those light wash jeans. It's beautiful. You really, yeah, you do get to see him greet a lot of people.

And we see them all later, of course. Oh, yeah. By the way, just there's a, and see, this is what's great. Just the editing in this movie, man, it is so masterful. Because there's so many things just thrown in, and it's a lot of blinking you miss it. But Steve's thinking, you know, it cuts from this car chase to the police station. Oh, no. O contraire, there is a break here because after they put out this burning body, we immediately cut to fucking.

Oh, yeah. And he is just having sex with this woman, the samurai cop. is like out of the helicopter lady Oh right yeah She's a female Peggy I think her name is Peggy the sexy cop He's just like

Totally railing this woman And then it's like Then we cut to the police station Well it's not even It's a lot of like man panties That we've got going on Oh man including his bathing suit We see later in the movie

What a fucking classic banana hammock that is If you've got it flunt it man And this guy has got it I mean it's amazing He's built like one of the barbarian brothers He is. He is. He looks like that. And he's circumcised, too. That's what we learn from the police station scene that we get to right after the fucking. That's the hospital scene, which is the important one. So we go.

Oh, right. Oh, right. This is where they circumcise him. We cut to the main bad guy is Fujima. Now, is this the bald guy or is this the businessman? That's the business. The mullet. Yes. And a bad mustache on this guy. He looks like a finalist at the World Series of poker in like 1996. he's missing some Oakley's And he's basically like

Look This guy knows my whole operation The guy that got burned up We have to kill him You have to cut his head off And put it on my piano And like Robert Zadar's like Yes I will cut her to head off

And I'll put it on your piano Screenwriting I'm sorry It's more like It's deader It's more yeah Cut his head off And put it on my piano

Yeah Cut his head off and put it on my What's that say? piano left in the movie and who ate my Doritos but that's the thing is like you're working for this gang like he did his good job he did the best job he could now you got to cut his head off and put it on display come on man well this whole gang has this thing about like you don't get captured yeah you know because they don't want anyone to spill the beans no well that's the thing that like if samurai cop and uh uh frank washington let this man just burn to death it would have been a better

end than what happens to this guy. So Zadar and Cameron, did you see that Cameron worked with Robert Zadar? You know, I think Zadar could come on this show and play some sort of disgusting alien creature. Do you know what they call him?

The face. It's all he's known for. It's his face. Because look at it. I don't want somebody bigger than me on set. Hey, Brannon Brager. You know how you can save some money in the

makeup budget hire robert zedar to play an alien do you have an alien chin coming up the alien chin episode class a race of alien chins so he uh we go to we go to the hospital and who is it that says would you like to fuck me is that peggy that's the nurse isn't it i think that's everywhere is that cameron this is the nurse this is the really creepy nurse scene so like yeah oh yeah sorry i just remembered

They dropped this guy off at the hospital. By the way, so it's a burn ward. And you can see very clearly next to the burn ward is... Hold on, give you one thing. Because it's really great. Abortionist? No, it is... Maternity ward?

Crematorium. Ines Shear, DDS. It's burn ward and the next door over. A dentist? Do you want to know why that is? Yeah, because they were filming this movie in a dentist's time. Or they need the dentist nearby to identify those dental records. Oh, that's a smart idea.

You're right, man. Keep it right there. This hospital is really well organized. It's smart. Cut scene, Cuska, I think. Plus, you might have a cavity. Never know. So they're dropping this guy off the burn word.

Like, oh, they ask this nurse, like, oh, can he give us information? Could he talk? And she goes, no way his lips are burned, which sort of my ear lines in the movie. But then she's like, you want to. to fuck me to Joe Marshall and they have this really sexy tete-a-tete. Are women this forward in real life? I don't think so.

No. Turns out this is a fantasy written by dudes. But there's this weird thing where she's like flirting with him and then she's like are you circumcised? And he's like yeah. And she's like well that's probably where all the rest of your dick went and he's like what? It's really weird.

That was so great. It was just like I think your doctor cut cut your dick off. Oh cut too much off or something. And he's like, no, he was a good doctor. Yeah, he's like, there's enough. Hey, there's enough. Hey, listen, he was a good doctor. We are still friends to this day.

I'm friends with the man that circumcised me. This is a Twitter reply war in real life. It is like... And what's awesome about this screenplay, it's not the last time we talk about cutting dicks off in this movie. Hi, sorry, I couldn't help out over here. My name's Barry Johnson. I'm the urologist.

I'm two doors down next to the dentist. If you want me to take a look at that, I really can. It's like it as a burn board, I know. Just how the way this hospital's organized. And I'm also a good doctor. And doesn't Frank Washington here mention about how he's got a large member? Yeah. That's great.

That's a running joke. It is. It goes on forever. So Cameron comes into the hospital dressed up as a nurse, pushing a laundry cart that's hiding Robert Zadar. Which, how is that even possible? Come on. You got to grease those. those wheels, Cameron.

How are you going to move Robert Zadar even on a platform? I think this is all the special effect money. I think there's green screens involved here. There's something going on. I just have an image of her, like the elevator doors open and you just see the thing and she's pushing it with her back from the other side. That's what it realistically would be, dude, is this woman really struggling to push Robert Zadar in a cart?

Come on. A lot of sheets this week. they're all soaked weird it smells like Robert Zadar in here oh he's probably got like a distinct odor yeah he does I would love

he did RIP bottle that shit right that would have been great spray some Zadar essence of Zadar well actually took three puppeteers to work Robert Zadar are really

there's like a job of the hut one guy in the tail somebody worked his pony tail I would love If there's a shot of Robert Zadar Like talking in a scene And then the ponytail

Like comes out from behind his head Like hey How you doing? And it laughs at C3PO It just cackles like Jabba's little pet Salacious Crumb, yeah it does What did you just say to me? Solicius Crum

That's the little thing Oh that's the little thing That's the little sex slave guy I don't know if they have sex Maybe Oh, he's, like, sticking that somewhere. I mean, Jabba's got to have a hole somewhere, right? Or does he, like, just, like, piss and shit all over his body, like a slug or something?

Is that how sidebar? Is that how slugs go to the bathroom? Because I don't know. You know what? Yeah. Well, sorry. I couldn't help it over here. I am a slug doctor.

I'm three doors down from the burn word next to the dentist and next to the urologist. Oh, yes, they do. They piss and shit all over themselves. Oh, cool. You ever watch a slug have sex? That's some weird shit. Yeah. That is wild.

Where are you guys watching? this on YouTube. There was a YouTube thing of it. Yeah. What is this? It's like there's this weird like light organism that comes out of the slugs. It's quite awesome. This was going around the internet. Oh like two girls one cup. Yeah, it was after

two girls one cup. Oh, it was like the sequel? Yeah, two slugs one branch. Yes. But it's awesome. They played it in slow mo and it's like watching aliens fuck. Oh wow. This like light thing appears. There's like crystals or some shit. It's wild, dude. Yeah.

Cameron dumbed it down for Avatar. There was once wild wraparound fucking going on in that. In Avatar, when they put their like ponytails together, that's like a slug. Yeah. So Zadar cuts this dude's head off. And this is like, this guy's like gurgling and screaming. It's fucking brutal.

You've got to kill Bill to dude. Like one swipe. Also, there would be blood everywhere. You wouldn't be able to stop. this. No, yeah, it would be... I mean, to be fair, this movie does have its fair share of bad fake blood, but, like, this would be, like, Johnny Depp's bed.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And she drives it with, like, one swipe of a towel. Absolutely not. No, you're throwing... He's carving a side of beef. You are throwing that sword in the garbage. Well, here's the... All right, so there's two of them, right? And she's pushing Robert Zadar around, which we know is impossible. Why isn't...

Like, does he... Roberts Zadar look that much not like a dog? like they couldn't switch that around like why is it robert zadar if you know what i'll tell you because let's say you work anywhere even in an office you see you would know if robert zadar works there someone that looks like that and you're a really good point and you wouldn't believe that he's in any profession because if you worked in the same office or office building or office park with robert zadar you would already have county the joke built into place oh jaws is coming in 10 minutes late this day you know what i mean like so you would you would know

that. But what's also dumb is as he pops out of this laundry cart, he's dressed like a doctor. I think that's just in case. Someone walks in to him with a samurai sword to a dude's head. Oh, I'm just operating. Oh, I work down the hall. My office

is next to the slug doctor. I'm the Eastern medicine guy. I'm giving this guy a circumcision. I ordered this scalpel special. Yeah. But like I wouldn't, if if that walked down the halls.

That. I would be like, that's not a doctor. I would immediately be like, no, that's not a doctor. Excuse me, this is a ruffian who, like, protects meth dealers. Sorry, assassin pretending to be a doctor here. Julianne Moore is walking around. And she's like, wait a minute. Bad fugitive joke.

I don't know. So there's some, like, action here. They get this guy's head. Big parking lot shootout. Big parking lot shootout right here. Lots of parking lot shootouts in this film. Oh, because the only place you're filming. as parking lots and friends' houses

up in the mountains. But there's a big parking lot shoot out of here. After, what's this woman's name again? Cameron. Cameron, a great line to Zadar right here. Like Zadar is still in the laundry thing and they get out to the parking lot and she goes, get up. And he stands up out of the thing

and she just goes, good job. These are fucking classic bits, man. Best screenplay I've heard in a long time. We do have a beleaguered captain who kind of comes to nothing. He does have my favorite lines in the movie. He is this actor who's presumably long dead. Well, yeah, probably. He's got some of the best lines in this movie and he's having a great time making Sam Raikov. Like there's one scene that's like they just like when he's still posing pointing at them. Yes. He sits back down and he laughs. It's like they just

left the whole scene in there after they called cut. The whole thing. Like he thinks he's done. That's him just reacting as a person. It's the best acting in the movie when he sits down and laughs. They were like, oh, wow, look at that. Oh, how natural. You know what?

Let's leave it in the movie. But it doesn't make any sense. Don't worry about it. I'm also skeptical that this is an actual police squad. Oh, really? I think this is more of an Albert Finney born ultimatum type program.

Okay. Because he tells them to go out and kill people several times. Only at the end, he's upset that they're killing people throughout the movie. That's character growth, Chris.

Right, but Chris, It's also the LAPD in the early 90s. That's true. That's actually true. And these guys aren't white that they're killing. They're Japanese. Right. Yeah.

It checks out. It's a bit of a stretch for the LAPD, but it checks out. Yeah. They can do whatever they want. What I love about when Cameron and Zedar are trying to get away after this parking lot shootout or they're trying to get away from the hospital or whatever, they hop in this car. I think it's a convertible. I can't recall. But like Cameron, oh, Cameron's getting the car out while Zadar is like still short.

shooting everybody and she gets in this is now you're you're trying to evade the police sure right you just murdered somebody in a hospital she gets in the car and she starts it up and instead of just pulling out of the space this actress adjusts the steering call on first oh god it's so great well you know maybe because robert sadar was driving it before it like the no i'm driving to the hospital you could drive on the way home fuck dude's like the end of son-in-law somebody Guffley Big must have been driving. Otho? Otho, man. Otho should have been the

Roberts Adarque role. You can't take this role away from Roberts. There wouldn't be a movie left. He is the movie. Oh, do you think this movie was written? This role was written with Robert Zadar in mind? Absolutely. Speaking of Robert Zadar in mind, RIP, by the way, do you think Paul White, aka the Big Show, could play

Robert Zadar in a biopic and win an Oscar for that? Yes to the first part. No to the second. I mean, because the first part, why not? Sure. But the second part, nah. So, is he still wrestling?

Is he still alive? Is he still alive? The big show is still alive, yes. For now. Yeah, for now. This episode hasn't come out yet, so we don't know. Yeah, the curse could live on. He wasn't McGrueber, so he was at least alive 10 years ago.

I remember that. We should talk about the restaurant scene. So, like, basically, it's your standard cop movie, right? Yeah. The bad guys are all hanging at a restaurant. We, the police, are going to go intimidated. date them so Marshall and Washington go

I believe the restaurant is called the Blue Lagoon the Blue Lagoon and they kind of just go and I don't know talk shit to him which is fine like you know they get in the Marshall gets on this high horse about like you know we respect the Japanese but you're not

respectful and you sell drugs to little baby children and this that and the other thing and like you're destroying all of our baby children with your terrible man drugs well one thing Samurai cop cares about it's baby children fucking beautiful women and saving baby children

making baby children exactly so he can then save them from criminals later and there's like a girl or a woman that runs the restaurant Jennifer Jennifer that's her character name anyway

she is sitting with the gang I don't know who heard the actress she might be and no I know I should be and he stops this big impassioned speech about the war on drugs to be like, hey, what's an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?

And you know that's just two vowels away from something. Yep. Yep. It's heinous. It is. Maybe that's coded. That might be the original line and the ADR. They're like, you know that.

For ADRing stuff, let's ADR that out. Yeah, I think that like there's like Martin video store because this was, this could never air on cinema. No, no. and he was just like, yeah, that's even a little much for a video star Take it back a notch. I like a Martin VideoStar's a little nerd.

I don't know, guys. Dude, because he's a proprietor. That's true. Martin Cinemax is in a tower somewhere smoking cigars. This guy's dealing with customers. You're going to have to take that to Arthur Pornstar's place.

I'm hot porn star. Whatever you want to show, show it now. Does it have an X on it? then I'll show it. I got a little airy in the back of my video store. It's got, you can show some stops. Behind the saloon doors.

It's just some stop. So, yeah, it's kind of just this bullshit intimidation scene to basically, like, have the villain and the hero meet up for two seconds. And introduce Jennifer, who, like, I guess, like, is flirting with Fujima and, like, he buys her, like, a diamond of some kind. I thought they were dating. They might be dating. They are dating. Oh, they are dating. Yeah.

See this? They've been dating for months Chris Cabin Tell us about their love story What was Chris Cabin Let's start with the meat cute Well I don't know I was only invited to their moving in together

Party Right the housewarming Yeah that was Oh that housewarming Did you bring a nice bottle of wine? In a while I brought some brie What does the Dara bring to an event like that you think? Nothing in self

His chin His plus one A.k.A. is gin His chin was the cutting board, right? You put the brie on top of it. Yeah, that and some salami. Oh, my God. You know, he's dead, right?

He's great. We love Roberts. We do. Goodbye. So, the Samarai Cop and Frank decide to leave. At this point, they start questioning a barback or something. I think he's like a bus boy, maybe. He's a bus boy.

I thought he was a waiter. Maybe not. for his waiter. You know what, guys? Who cares? No, no, no. We got to get to this. What is on his tax returns? He is everyone's favorite character in the entire movie. He's only one scene. I really expect this guy to come back. When you have this much of a bombastic performance, like, yeah, of course you need this character to come back. He's the most like flamboyant, cartoonish character from like some other movie, man. Bronson Pinchot just can't have that one

scene in Beverly Hills Cop. You got to give him a couple. And bring him back for that sequel for no reason. All of them. You got to bring him for all of them. Is he in two? I'm going to, yes. I know he's in three. I know for a fact he's in three, but I'm pretty sure he was saying that this waiter

or barback character was in Samurai cop two and three. And I was like, what? He is in Samurai Cop two. No, shut up. Yeah, I love it up. God, now I'm going to have to watch it. Was it just a thing where, like, everybody who wasn't dead at the time came back for the seems that way.

My finger is on my nose. Zadar died like during production And I think Tommy Wizzo is like the villain I know Tommy Wizzo's in it I don't know if he's the villain or not And odds are I'll never watch it So they're talking to this guy They're not asking about

You know what how does the gang work You know like any crucial information That could help this case Now it's like what's to deal with that blonde man And he's like oh and he's like Oh it's my boss I don't know He's like

Oh he she's a little younger around the restaurant. It's like, oh, she inherited it from her father. And he's like, oh, really? And he's like, he killed himself. Which is my favorite line in the universe. It's awesome because like basically this dude

took over the restaurant. One did have it be like his little like criminal hideout. But so like along the way he's helped this woman and her mother financially. As the bus boy tells us, you know, after the father died. And like samurai cop says something like,

you know oh oh because the guy says something about like with a gun to his head and he goes oh he was murdered and then he says oh he killed himself and then samurai cop is like oh he committed suicide and he says it like to washington and frank Washington turns around and he's like yeah that's what suicide is samurai and they leave he has a ridiculously long name which is thing. I guess it's like a Spanish joke probably. Yeah, that's just some mildly racist gag. We get into another parking lot

fight wherein like, you know, these cops are leaving. A lawyer has already threatened to sue the police department for the harassment, but Zadar's like, I'm going to kill these cops in a parking lot. You know what? Listen, Zadar. It's done. The situation is diffused. Go back to your salmon steak

or whatever you're eating. He does not eat salmon steak. It's just three pounds of raw beef But it's pretty awesome because this scene is like Zadar is kind of like the rassling manager And he's one by one like sicking these hoodlums On these two cops And it's like all right wait wait wait wait

All right now you go All right wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait All right now you get in there Well the guy with the gun is the last one to enter the arena And he's the like that's the first guy Like shoot these guys in the head Yeah just getting it over with Which you know the cops in this movie

this gag has played a couple times where it's like uh-oh you only have your hands or a sword and he's got a gun what are you going to do samurai and then Frank Washington's like I have this under control blammo it's a pretty good game it's a good Raiders of the Lost Ark thing it is oh right oh yeah

I see I mean they're doing that and this is all lethal weapon bullshit I mean yeah I think samurai cop even has cowboy boots on right I do yeah that sounds right that's I mean he's got a He's got a Riggs fucking mullet. Oh, yeah.

No, this is all Riggs. It's like Riggs as a samurai. He's got a Riggs or a Mrs. Bates mullet, depending on to when... From shot to shot. Yeah, depending shot to shot. And, like, there's a lot of hilarious death here.

I mean... Well, Robert Zadar, I guess he gets frustrated with the way that this parking lot shootout goes down because, like, these cops kind of put some bullets in dudes and, like, handcuff some guys or whatever, and they make a break for it because they're under fire. Yeah. But then Zadar's like, all right, you didn't pass the test of killing these two cops.

And he's got this machine gun and he's just murdering his own men at this point. And you know, man, like, why would I work for the Katana gang? Like the stakes are too high for me, a thug. Code of silence. That's what he explains to Frank Washington, right? But then you have to like, you know, retrain all these dudes, like these new dudes that come in because you just murdered that old gang. I don't think they think the long game. no I wouldn't think so um yeah I don't know I mean is this now leading into like the

disco tech fight yes with the hardwood floors he he winds up coming back to talk to Jennifer there's a very long scene in which I guess her dad we didn't know was Jim Hansen because there's this puppet lion this puppet lion that is sitting in this scene I'm like what it's awesome and it's like the way they frame it is like this woman is in close up and she's talking to samurai and this stuffed lion puppet thing is just right next to her face in the frame. It doesn't make any sense.

It's more prominent than she is in the frame, for sure. It's like the Seinfeld doll collection. It's really, really unnerving. I wouldn't want it near the bed, honestly. So on his way out... It might be a bed thing, though. You know what I mean? Oh, she's bringing it into the bedroom, you think?

Yeah, dude, I think so. Shit. Yeah. Toy. That's weird. Yeah. A toy. Is that what you said? Yes, I called this stuff flying a toy.

It's a sexual toy. So there's also a thing where it's like, and this is, it's an important plot detail. We got to get this in here. He's like trying to ask her out on date. That's right. And she's like, oh, I'm busy Friday because the restaurant's really busy on Friday. So I have to be here. And he's like, all right, all right, all right.

How about Sunday? And she goes, well, I go to church on Sunday. Plus, it's my birthday. And he's like, what church? do you go to? Also, do you know I'm circumcised? There's a lot of rumors going around about me not being circumcised. And that it was a bad, it was a botched circumcision.

I don't know you've heard on the street or not. But he's a good doctor. I know a lot of people are telling he was a bad doctor and chop my dick off. Chop my dick off. And he goes downstairs and yeah, this is the discotheque. This is not a set that you've ever seen before. four or since. And I guess it's part of the restaurant.

I guess so. And these like five hillbillies show up and they're like, we were told to break both your legs by Okamora, who is the guy that brought all the weapons to the movie in case you- Jerry, man. And, you know, he dispatches these dudes. We cut to another parking lot fight because one guy runs away and he runs into the parking lot.

It's pretty good. Yeah. Does he kill this guy? He threatens to break his own. arm, I think. And I'm like, waiting for it to happen. I'm like, oh, my God, that arm looks fake, dude. This is going to happen. It's going to break. But no, it was just bad lighting. And he just arrests him, I think. And he gets Okamura's name. And then, like, he goes to Okamura's house. This is the raid on Okamora's house. That's a good movie title. Because Okomura is getting it wet in the bedroom. Yeah. Well, he's about to. He's about to. He's about to. He doesn't go all the way, right? It's just. him in his knickers and he's like prepping the core the main chorus

again if these filmmakers had a little bit more gumption they would have just shot of sex scene well done with it I think there's I think there's confirmed fucking because what happens here is post-coital no no it's during dude because samurai and Washington roll up to this house

and they go to this like this like sliding door and samurai like peers in and he turns around he's like Nakamura is in there and like Washington takes a look and he goes looks like this is his last fuck. They debate to let him keep going. Washington's like, I why don't you let him finish?

And Samaraj is like, nope, got to break this door down. And Peggy is here as well as some other white cop who, like this guy, like this older guy. Oh, the dude who gets butchered later in the movie, which is awesome. And like, so like

Samurai and Washington go off and Peg, I think it's also like this movie's way of saying that you know, Samurai isn't monogamous with Peg, but that's okay because Peg is a monogamous and samurai? Or are they saying that's her only character traits? She also

flies a helicopter, though, pretty much. Well, you mean the line, you and I got nothing to do, let's fuck? Yes. To this, like, 60-year-old man. And this dude does not consider it, because as it turns out, he's a happily married man, which we find out a few minutes later into the movie. He's

pretty bitter. I think he's just bitter because he knows it's a joke. Oh, I see. I don't think it's a joke. I don't think it's a I think it could have happened for him. You know what the best part of... Is it Okamor or Nakamura? I believe it's Okamora. Best part about this dude's apartment, by the way.

You guys peep that sick Defender Arcade Tower. Absolutely. It's the only good thing in this place. It's pretty cool, man. And it reminded me of another recent Ninja movie we did. Ninja Three, The Domination, man. Because that... That was a fake video game, or...

No, we learned it was a real thing that was, like, limited release. The ground. It was a limited amount. It was like the pilot's arcade tower. It's Okamora. There's a chase. They kill a bunch more people at Okamora's house.

They are murdering people left and right. Absolutely. And he winds up fighting Okamora on like a, I don't know, not a beach, but like, it's just a field. Another free place to film. Yeah, it's very dusty or sandy. Yeah, they shot in North Carolina. What? No.

No, they didn't. This is distinctly California dirt. Oh, dude, you could not get a crew to leave Los Angeles to make this movie, man. This is on location. You couldn't even lock in a haircut, man. Like, you're not getting anyone to leave. An actor brought weapons from home. You don't have lighting.

Period. And they fight and he winds up. Oh, that's right. He fights. He beats Okamora. And then Washington goes to handcuff him. Oh, he broke his arm. But he breaks out and, uh, oops, Samurai has to kill him.

Like, so this whole thing is just yet another fucking body on the fucking slab. To which Samurai says, by the way, well, this one's dead too, not captured alive. I'm like, dude, you are just destroying your own case here. We have to get into Washington's catchphrase, which is, oh man, the captain's going to have my butt for this. Yes. And that's fine. That's a totally fine, like, early 90s catchphrase. I say it all the time.

Or he's going to burn, you know, I'm sorry, he's going to burn my butt. butt. He's going to burn my ass. Burn my ass. And I think Samurai replies, Your ass is already black. That's the joke. Yeah. And then, and like, Washington's like, it sure is. And end of seeing. Like, that's kind of it. And cut.

Washington's like, why am I friends with this guy? Why did I bring him from San Francisco or San Diego, wherever he came from? But this is the last straw for Fujima, because he's like, all right, that's it. He killed my good friend. Okamura. I want his whole team dead. Every last one of them and we're going to torture and kill them all. Some kid they call samurai

cop, he says. Some kid, you've got to be kidding. This guy is 43 years old if he's a day. He's in great shape. He's amazing. There's no way you could ever call this guy a kid. No, no. The chest hair alone.

Burgess Meredith, if if Burgess Meredith was in this movie you can call him a kid. Better movie, man. Young pup, Burgess Meredith. And Burgess Meredith has Okinawara. Okinawara, sorry. That's great. Yeah, I am Japanese.

No, they actually wanted it, Burgess, but he didn't have any weapons to bring to sets. You've been cut from the movie. We're going to have to fire you in recast. Jerry has the weapons. We're going to have to go with him. Which is also why Eric Stoltz was fired off back to the future. He can bring his own time machine. Yes.

Well, you know, Michael J. Fox does have a DeLorean. I mean, Stephen, we need somebody in this movie that has a DeLorean. Michael Gross bought it for him as an 18th birthday present. And Christopher Lloyd owns Huey Lewis. It's true.

Hey, I got this, Huey Lewis, I ain't using it. Got him at a garage sale. $50. Keep him in a cage in the basement. Oh, so they have to break the news to Zadar that this whole thing has gone down. And this is where there is the hardcore nudity.

Yes. Versus just the regular nudity. This is the hardcore you just see a vagina in this movie nudity. Patrick. Sir Patrick, can we leave now? I feel uncomfortable watching Cameron in this way. I don't think that she would want us to see her in this way. No, I'm not talking about the hardcore

nudity. I'm talking about Robert Zadar's tongue on her face. In a minute. Just another minute. Just a second, Michael. I know I'm your ride. So you're going to Sit there till I'm finished. I've been allured by the plot. I can't stand up right now, Michael.

You're the one who told me you'd be fine to wear sweatpants to a movie premiere. A movie premiere. Well, I'm not going to wear slacks to Samurai Cup, am I? Samurai. I love how much he was bitching about it at the cafeteria, but he ended up going.

Well, he had nothing to do that night. Oh, do you see that over there? Burton's got jeans on. Jeans! Could have been comfortable at this piece of shit. Could have suppressed my boner. And, Dorn, would you two bury the hatchet? Why is he sitting all the way over there?

I don't know. They probably got along fine. So at this point, Robert Zadar and his team go, they first go to the old man's house, who was barely a character. His proposition for sex once. And it's just him, it's actually a really nice, it's just him and his wife, they're having a nice afternoon. She's reading, he's practicing martial arts.

Yeah, he's wearing like a little undershirt there and she's, you know, just in a robe. They probably just had like really good monogamous, you know, 60-year-old sex. Oh, totally. And you know what I'm just realizing, this whole sequence that we're about to talk about, the exact same thing happens in Ninja 3, by the way. Yeah, it kind of does. With all these cops getting murdered. This dude's house, by the way, is awesome. The entire thing is decorated with martial arts awards.

And, like, framed fucking newspaper clippings. This guy is proud of his achievement. This is also the plot of lethal weapon, too. Oh, right. Where they go after the whole team. Oh, you're too. And Zadar has diplomatic immunity. There's our diplomatic community.

What? Diplomatic community. What did he say? I thought I'll have deep romantic immunity. Michael, do you know what he's saying? Let me slow it down for you. I have deep romantic immunity. Is this a movie or a play?

Is he talking to me right now? Oh, oh shit, Michael. I think it just hit. I think it just hit. I'm going over the deep end, man. Did he just say dormit? Orioleis? So, yeah.

They break in and this is, no, Robert Siddhar only says this line twice in the movie and I wish he said it more, which is he breaks in and he holds his wife hostage. He's about to get sexually assaulted. At sword point, by the way. Because it's a movie. And, oh, because it's this movie.

And they have a knife to a sword to the guy. and Robert Siddharas says, I want to know where your samurai friend is. And he says it twice, and I could literally hear it all there. If I could change my phone ring to, I want to know where your samurai friend is. I want to know what your samurai friend is.

He was soft-spoken, you son of a bitch. You leave Robert Siddhar alone. But just picture that stupid voice coming out of that face. It's fucking funny. I can't even see... Who is this big mook in front of me? Michael... Oh, I think that's Robert Zadar.

Sitting next to Hollywood Seamist royalty. Let me smell his ponytail. Yes, that's Zadar, all right. Was that... Do you think... Now, this is an important question because I don't know the makeup department budget in this movie

and we already had to shell out for one fucking wig. Was that a real ponytail Robert Zadar is sporting in this movie? I hope so. I think he brought that to set. Don't take that for me and just samurai cops here. Jerry brings the weapons.

He brings the ponytail. So he winds up killing this guy's wife in front of him and cutting her throat, by the way. And he, this is the best acting in the movie. I feel so bad for this old bastard. Like, he's like two weeks from retirement. He, like, loves this woman. Yeah. It's the only successful scene this movie pulls off.

And then so, yeah, this dude, like, you know, he swears. doesn't know. He's looking, Zadar is looking for where Samurai lives. I want to know what your samurai friend is. Right. And he swears he doesn't know. So then Robert Zadar just like stabs this dude through the gut, leaves him for dead, and then

this dude is crawling around on the floor. That's what doesn't. Trying to like hold, he's crawling to his wife's corpse crying. Yeah. It's from another movie. It is. And that's the thing. It's like, dude, just fucking cut my head off if you're going to do that. Don't like let me bleed out. Yeah, no. Just

Like make sure I'm fucking dead. But that's, you know, Robert Zadar. He's a criminal mastermind. He's heartless dude. He'll just let this guy suffer. So this is when we split up. Chuck and his brother, which is a real nice detail. What?

There's a gang. One of them is... Chuck, take your brother. Yeah. Is Chuck the guy that looks like John Carpenter? No, that's the... That guy stays with Zadar. Only Chuck and his brother go to Washington.

Ah. That sounds like a movie. Can't Chuck and his brother even get to Washington anymore? they go to Washington Washington's house and Zadar takes John Carpenter Yes The guy looks like John Carpenter

He does, it's awesome Yeah They go to Pegg's house But like yeah The Chuck and his brother Go to get Washington And like they get bested by Washington Because they're fucking idiots

Washington disassembles these guys It's really freaking ridiculous I mean you would think there'd be one more debt Shockingly I'm having trouble remembering some details from this movie Is Washington up to anything interesting when they meet him at home? Is he at home? He's just kind of half naked.

Oh, no, that's right. He's coming out of the shower. Yes, yes. Oh, right. Because it's this scene. They pull this dude's towel off, and then these two assassins just immediately start looking at this dude's huge penis. It's this thing, yeah, when he puts the knife to his dick.

Yeah, and it's like, you've got to tell us where samurai is we're going to cut your huge cock off. Your huge gift. And then he goes, you're huge. They say your gift. And then he goes, your huge black gift. And I'm like, yeah, I know everybody. It's a movie. I'm seeing it.

I am seeing it. I know that this actor is black, therefore he also has a black penis. Well, here's the thing is, the problem is we're not seeing it. Yeah. Just do it. Show it, dude. Show it. We've seen everything else on this movie.

It was probably on the actor who played Washington. He was like, you know what, man, this is a movie called Samurai Cop. I'm not going to show my penis. I can't get back to the electronics. store on fucking Tuesday, man. You are right. Eric, you're talking prosthetic penises. A man had to bring weapons

from home. I had to bring a prosthetic penis from home. But Chris is right. Everyone in this movie worked at Radio Shack. They couldn't even make it at a Radio Shack. It's their own off-brand, like, Bradley's electronics. What do you have against

small businesses? I just don't like them. They're killing this economy. Rearrange their shit. in order for certain ones to do certain scenes. That sounds about right. Like, oh, we can't have these two in the same. We can't have both, or we got lucky. We got Chuck and his brother.

They both got the day off from the radio show. That's why there was a seven-month pause in between because the director got another gig. So we can't have Samurai cop in this scene because he's covering for Chuck and his brother at the electronics store. So I guess they go to Frank's house. Okay.

Now we're cooking with gas. Frank, oh, it's Thursday. Frank has off on Thursday. Perfect, perfect. Great, great, great. So he just nudely beats these men up? Yeah, well, he's like, oh, give us the address of Samurai Cop. And he's like, oh, it's in my closet.

And Chuck or his brother, I get them confused. They look so alike. He goes into the closet. And he's like, I can't find this address anywhere. And like, then he gets the better of the other guy. Right, right, right. He kills them both. But like, why would someone's address be in a closet?

Like, just don't you tell me what the address is. Either tell me what the address is or you have to specify Frank Washington. Like, it's an. a pair of, it's written down on a pair of slacks that are in the closet. It's written on a pair of slacks? I have his,

his pants that his mother wrote his address on. Well, also, it doesn't make any sense because we're told that Samurai has come from San Diego. Yeah. But so he just has an apartment in L.A.? Well, yeah, we located it. He's got a job then.

But I thought it was just, I thought the whole thing was like, we're bringing this dude in temporary. Like a visiting samurai. Like Beverly Hills Cod. I think he's like proving his worth here. I think he was transferred for all the samurai related crimes going on. Oh man, the Los Angeles Samurai Division. Yeah.

Like they're so, you know, because they have the apparently dueling Asian gangs. That's true. They're eating L.A. alive. They are. So the other guys, Zadar and non-carpenter, go to Pegg's house. and she is fully clothed, shockingly, for Samurai Cop the Motion Picture. But importantly, she has a midriff.

Yeah. Well, she's still, I mean, you know, she's got to look sexy. You're going to look sexy for this movie. But she's like cooking something is the idea. I guess maybe she's about to put chicken in oil. I just were about to make some good old pan-fried chicken. This looks disgusting, yeah.

It's just boiling grease she has on the, that's how you do that's how you fried chicken on a stovetop which is which is fine i don't think she's doing it i don't know what's going on like doesn't ring true to the character to me i just like the smell of burning oil oh shit it's like oh it's doing it for me that's like when you sniff like you know like cooking oil smoke and you like choke on a little peg was here with us was getting in character um well i can't stand up now so let's continue the podcast i told you not to wear sweatpants while we're recording. So they hold her down.

Thankfully, she's not sexually assaulted. I would have bet dollars to donuts. I was going that way it was going. I was like, thanks for nothing, movie. No, thanks for everything. Yes, thank you. No, when I thought it was about to happen. Okay, here we go.

Yeah, nice cover. But instead, it's just some old-fashioned grease torture. They just start pouring this boiling oil on it. This actress, God bless her, is not reacting appropriately to having boiling grease thrown on your midriff, man. She's like, ow, ow, ow. Yeah, the greasy strangler, there's better grease-related burning reactions. Rudy Tootie disco, cutie. That's right. Bullshit artist. And they're just like, you know, trying to get the address out of her.

And this is a surprise of, I want to know where your samurai friend is. Or the alternate take, which is... A lot to know where your sound right friend is. Is he looking for a sandwich? I said I want to know where your Italian combo is. Lava, are you getting any of this? Any of it. Lava?

Lava. Oh, he left. Sir Patrick, is this how I sound to you? Is this how people... read how I sound. Oh man. So does she give up the address? I think she does. I mean, somebody does at some point. We eventually gives up the address. And then Washington's like, hey man, you got to get out of

there. The guys are coming for you. They escape. Well, this is, we're in the middle of, I think it's a kidnap date. Yeah. Because Samurai shows up. That's right. At her church. It's on Sunday, on her birthday. I'm going to go to your place of worship. and just wait outside for you. Episcopalian. That's right.

Or whatever that line was. They say that like, because she's like, I go to the Episcopal church down on whatever, and he's like, ah, Episcopal. Well, the best thing is like she comes out and he's there. And she's like, oh, were you in church? She's like, yeah, you didn't see me? I was preaching. And she's like, what?

No, I think she's like, oh, you're so funny. This is weird. So then he's like, and this is fucked up, though. this is some abusive power cop shit right here because he's like speaking of our ninja movie that we did ninja three the domination oh right this is kind of crazy actually because he's like hey i have to ask you a few questions and she goes police related questions and he goes sort of cut to he's just bringing her home and he's like let me give you the tour takes her by the hand yeah we then cut and it's like there's dinner there's a successfully fried chicken on this table

And there's wine poured and candles and all this shit. And she's just like, how did you know that I'd say yes to coming with you or something like that? And he's like, I had a hunch. Oh, no, it's a great line. He goes, let me just say this. I can read eyes. And she's like, ready to go. Did you lock the door behind us?

Am I free to leave right now? I think that was Patrick Stewart. They're like, did they lock the theater door? Oh, no, it's like it's not opening. It's like him glorious bastards. Q, stop this. We are not your puppets, Q! That would be awesome if every time Patrick Stewart just gets frustrated

about something, he yells and blames Q. Then John Delancey shows up, oh, hello, Patrick. Enjoying the movie. Some earth culture, Patrick. Watch these apes fuck on. on a screen. It's amazing. So then he takes her,

I guess he lives on the beach. Sure, why not? Because they go to the beach for a little bit. Just like rigs. That's right. And thankfully, she has brought a bathing suit to church.

Because she's in a... That's a good movie title, too. She brought a bathing suit to church. It's like she wore yellow ribbons. So she, I mean, she's in like this sexy bikini that you should not wear to church.

And he's in this banana hammock. Yeah. And they're walking on the beach. And I'm like, oh, cool, like, here we go. They start, like, kind of getting ready to make out. And I'm like, oh, there's going to be some beach fucking. But then it just cuts, and they're swimming in his pool. But all of this is intercut with all of his friends being tortured and or murdered.

Yeah. And he's just, like, having the time of his life. Well, that's the thing, man. Like, you don't know what's going on in other people's lives. Like, when you're having a great time, someone could be getting grease poured on. Actually, and that's, like, exactly what happens in lethal weapon, too, is he's having sex with the lawyer. Right. And they're intercutting with his, all of his fucking comments.

He's getting killed. You're right. Man. Somebody had a case. Warner Brothers had a case. Dick Donner had a case here, man. So the samurai cop escapes. They come after him.

He escapes and they go back to the captain and I guess they find out about everybody who died. And the captain, who has been on him the whole movie? Like, you know, played by the rules, blah, blah, two of the people were murdered. He's like, well, you know, that's it. I just want these sons of bitches dead. I want you to go to his house.

I want you to kill every last one of them. and you'll come back here and we'll all turn on our badges and won't be cops anymore. This dude is totally into it at this point and also it's the second time in the movie that this character, who is like a late 60s maybe early 70s year old man is yelling at these guys about his future

and I'm like listen old man there's more fucking sunsets behind you than ahead of you what are talking about? But his retirement man my God, the pen you're throwing your pension away at the worst possible time. But I also, I kind of wish that we stayed with them because this was not a great police, you know, this precinct wasn't great to begin with. Now they're planning on exiting the next day, like they're all going to quit.

Yeah, that's true. That place has turned into fuck city. That's a good point. Welcome to fuck city where everybody fucks. Hey, the chief quit. Let's just start fucking. Well, it's a very horny police station, as we know. Oh, man, actually.

So speaking of fucking. Uh, the end of like, so before samurai and Jennifer have to, uh, you know, get out of Dodge, sure. He walks in to whatever room it is in his house in the banana hammock still, holding a birthday cake, singing happy birthday to this woman. Happy birthday to you, dear Jennifer. Just the best. Then they have intercourse.

Yes. Then we go to Fujiyama's house and we just start shooting up everybody. This takes a long time. Oh, yeah. This is John Carpenter gets shot into a pool right here, which is pretty great because he gets shot and then he like slowly just sits on a diving board and then lazily falls into this pool. It's great. Well, you don't want to hurt yourself. Oh, then there's Tim Burton, the henchman as well.

Oh, the guy that's like balding but has long hair. Yeah, he's creepy. Yeah, it looks disturbing. Killing a bunch of people. I mean, it's just, it's just killing a bunch of people. There's a guy that gets up on the roof and he gets shot off of the roof. How does Jennifer wind up at this guy's house? Because, you know, we kill everybody in the...

She's entangled with him, yeah, but I don't know how... How she goes to... Like, at the end... I'm hazy on how details happen. Well, she goes to the restaurant. Oh, that's what it is. She goes to the restaurant after all that hot sacks. Oh, right.

And the mother is like, where were you... A character. Well, yeah, it turns out she's a character in this movie but she's like, where are you? I was working at this restaurant without you. I was worried or whatever and she's like, you know, oh, don't worry about it. I was just having a lay in some birthday cake or something.

And then she's talking shit about Okamura. Yeah. And the dude then turns out to be standing like right there. Fujima, by the way. Oh, it's Fujima? Oh, Okomor is the bald guy who's been murdered at this point. So Fujima is, she's talking shit about Fujima and it's one of those like, oh, he's behind.

behind me, isn't he? And then he's just like, I think it's something that's just like, oh, can I talk to you for a second? And he kidnaps her. You're right outside his office. Why not not shit-talk him right there to his secretary? Because she is still high on getting fucked by samurai, man.

I guess so. You wouldn't understand. I guess I wouldn't. It's a fucked by samurai cop type of thing. You wouldn't get it. I've never had the fever. Not yet. You've never been fucked.

Samurai cop on your birthday. Oh, man, forget about it on your birthday. My birthday's coming up. I hope that happens. I really hope it happens, too. I hope you get that. So, there's a really great, there's an assassin, or assassin, low-level criminal with a machine gun who gets shot by either samurai or Washington. I don't remember who. Kind of doesn't matter. But there's a, no, totally does not.

There's a really great, we're ripping off. Oliver Stone, a platoon. The whole, like, you know, falling down in slow motion. This dude is falling down, like, with this machine gun just like platoon. Oh, he doesn't Willem Defoe? Yes, he does. It's another great instance of ripping off. And, oh, I just thought of another rip-off thing.

Not to backtrack too far. We call them Hamages. Yeah, you call them that when you don't want to get a suit thrown at you. But this one, I think Sir John Williams had a. fucking suit. Do you guys remember during the stalking peg scene when you just see like just the legs of whatever like

assassin is sneaking into her house they just kind of do the jaws do they really? They definitely do for like 10 to 20 seconds and then it's like when it's revealed that it's Zadar or the other guy John Carpenter whoever's feet it is you know

then it stops. Stone definitely has a case because right after that guy freaking falls on the ground They cut to a clip of Tom Barringer. And it's an interview with Vladimir Putin. So I would have liked, speaking of the Jaws type of theme, what if Zadar played the shark? Oh, right?

What if it's just a Zadar in the water? Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that be scarier if there's a giant wet man in the water? Eating your boat? Yeah, totally. And your boys? That would be better than... Saussedar's eyes, sweat like a doll's eyes.

I mean, I think that's better. That's better than Jaws the Revenge, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. If they were like, like, Jaws the Revenge starts and they're like, it's another shot. Oh. It's not actually. It's a man with a huge chin eating us.

Jaws the revenge. Take out any of the, the Jaws scenes in it. And it is on Golden Pond, essentially, except for with like a drug barren. Because Hogi wants to get it wet. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Look at that big chin man in the water. I'm eating my plane.

Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Zadar Shark. Better movie, ma'am. Great movie. So, Fujima gets it. Big time. And we finally, it's Zadar v. Samurai.

At somebody else's house. We got to drive fucking across town to get there. Because the movie is over with. And then Samurai is like, oh, hey, Jennifer. I got to go deal with Robert Zadar. But, you know, keep a light on for me. He says that to Peggy. No, he says, keep it warm.

His catchphrase in this situation. What he's talking about, Chris, is her genitals. Really? Yes. I thought it was like the seat in her car. No, no, that's a common misconception. Okay. So, oh, her genitals, okay.

Yes. So they go and, you know, there's a much to do, but they wind up, it's a sword fight. It's a katana fight. Yeah. And it's a very clearly not choreographed katana fight. No, it's, let's just turn this camera on and see what happens. Losing the only light here. Really slow a lot of these fight moves, really slow.

This is like, and here's the thing, it's like, why, how did you not, like the first time you shot the movie when he didn't have this horrible wig on his head, you have some of those shots. Yeah. How did you not get enough shots that you had to go back and do reshoots with this wig? gone because it's like shot with shot without shot with shot without the final fight with Robert Zadar is like where this is the most egregious it's like one to one every time we cut the hair is fake and then it's real and then it's fake and then it's real and Robert Zadar's chin is real the entire time I think this is why I didn't really notice because the longer we get into the movie the more fucked up I'm getting yeah sure that's what you know what it's uh you get fucked up fast in those 82

minutes. It's 93, thanks. No, is this movie over an hour and a half? It is a little bit over. Holy shit. So I was justified in getting that fucked up that face. Michael, we have the, we've got dinner reservations.

Is it still going on? Oh, Robert's a Dachar's house now. By the way, all the henchmen in this movie, I think, are on PCP. Oh, absolutely. Because there's so many instances of, not the actors, but like, I think these henchmen like they're being forced to take PCP because they all take at least

four shots to the chest to die. It's like you shoot the dude once and he's like and then immediately kind of comes back and they just sort of do that a bunch of times. Well there's also a refrigerator Perry that guy's not going. You saw that dude? That dude's not going down with more than four shots. Refrigerator Perry has

the, or a dude who looks like a refrigerator Perry has the best like visual gag in this movie because he's got this huge rifle and he's like tiptoeing through this property and he's trying to hide behind this narrow little tree? Oh, it is glorious. So he bests Zadar.

Yeah, he defeats him in combat. He defeats him. He's about to kill him. And then Frank actually, and somehow is like, he's like, Joe, stop. You're a cop. And he's like, oh, yes, I am a cop. Yeah, I probably shouldn't murder people who are unarmed. Well, there's literally one person left to pin anything on with this case, man. We should arrest one person.

And nobody can understand him. So, yeah, you don't want that guy testifying. And this is where, like, I think this movie is a great. This movie is a recommend blah, blah, blah. If this movie was just this, if the movie was just like, how to install an air conditioner for two hours, like a really long air conditioner YouTube video. Right.

And it ended with Robert Siddhar committing Sepaku. I would be, it's a recommend. It's the best movie I've ever seen. The fact that there's all this other great stuff before is it's icing on the cake. Yeah, sure. The movie ends with Robert Zadar committing Sepaku. It's so great. And it's like, you know, like Frank Washington is like, are you going to let this dude do that?

I just said, we have to arrest this guy. He's like, no, no, no. Code of honor. It's what they live by. He has to die with dignity. He lost face. Yeah. And, yeah, he had face to lose.

I'll tell you that. I'm like, face to spare. Yeah, seriously. Yeah, and then so he just kills himself. And you kind of, again, bravo on the sound department here on this part. because it's like it's like good like gurgling on your blood

I would have liked a little bit more I would like to stick with it I'd like to see it yeah The way of Bishito Has there ever been a really good Sepaku in a film? Letters from Iwojima must have one

Mishima's got some good stuff doesn't it? What the fuck? Like a bloody mess sepacu There's one and I'm forgetting the name of it because I'm an idiot I think that I haven't seen it

in a while but I think the Paul Schrader movie Mishman in four parts. I'm pretty sure that has one. If somebody can make me a super cut, that'd be great. A sepa cut? Super sepa cut. You go there and you're like, oh, let me get a haircut.

Oh, no, no, you have to kill yourself with a tiny blade. Dude, actually, that's a great idea for a business venture. It's called sepacuts. And you go in and you give yourself a haircut in the store and then kill yourself. Is that like a dagger one? What is that? The dagger one? There's a middle one.

I don't know much about sorts Middle Anna Tonto I think Which one do you use for the sepico? I think Tonto? I think it's the short guy You gotta get in there. Oh cool so a samurai cop

does give him the correct weapon In which to commit suicide Oh no he has it on himself Oh does it? He's ready to go I thought it was a drop knife No no no no no he brought it from home It says Dear Robert Merry Christmas

1983 Engraved on it so he's dead on the Hollywood move yeah he's dead and the movie's kind of over there's one more shot of Jennifer and we go this is awesome so we go back to the beach and it's just footage from that first beach scene

and they're making out again and I'm like all right I would not put it past this movie to end on fucking but we don't end on fucking we end on a shot of a rock with a wave splashing over it and then it goes to crap what do you talk like samurai cop doesn't even have any like i'll be back in 25 years don't

you see it's like a circian move a symbolism man oh the white wave over the rock oh totally i'm coming it's like i'm coming yes it's marshals come it's marshals come oh if this was a western that's what it would be called is that it can we leave oh no there's a fucking q and a Fuck this. We're not staying. We're not staying, Michael. Get to go. Warm up the car.

Marina, get up. Marina, get up. I can't get up if you don't get up first. It's already started. We have to sit back down now. I guess we signed our life away. Oh, Jesus. Yes, I do have a question for the director.

Just warm up the car. How did you get such great shots? Standing ovation. Yes. Yes. Michael just pulled a fire allowed It's the only way we're getting out of here You know what? We'll be on at that point

Break my neck Kill me dead in this theater Patrick, you can't take that back I can do it Dude that's the thing with Michael Dorn man It's like a genie If you ask Michael Dorn to kill you You can't take it back

He's going to come kill you If you say it three times Today, might not be tomorrow For one day All you have to do is say three times in a mirror Michael Dorn please come kill me. And at some point, he will come and find you at murder.

Kids, we're not fucking joking right now. I just want to mention that for our younger listeners. Do not try that at home. No, because you heard about Bloody Mary. Yeah. Well, it's the same thing. No, no, stop laughing. This is serious. We don't want kids to get killed by Michael Dorn. I'm trying to do a service here by telling you there is a Michael Dorn tape with centpies

and fucking weird girls and wells and all other kinds of shit that if you watch it, he's coming for you. To be fair, you do have to look at the mirror and say we want Wharf three times. Don't do not. No, no, no, like, we were, we had fun tonight. Yeah, but I'm deadly serious right now.

Please do not do that at home. Don't do that into America's then your TV turns on and there's that shot of the well. And Wharf crawls out, sash and all. It comes through TV and murders you. Yeah, but it's, you know, it sounds funny. It sounds funny right now. Yeah, I mean, because this is a comedy show where we had, you know what, we had a lot of fun here tonight. This, this, very serious.

This decimated Japan. For. many years that's the only that's the only way they knew what star trek the next generation was yeah for a while so please do not man yes exactly thank you but do not try that at home no definitely thank you thank you it's good good notes you know after talking about this movie uh i kind of want to like go back and live in this world again so i think i may actually have to watch samurai cop too oh wow it's not it definitely doesn't look the same of course nothing it was probably shot on cheap video 20 It looks gritty as shit from the fucking, and like, I don't need it. What do you mean? Like, it's night scenes. Like bad lieutenants?

It's night scenes. It's all night scenes. Oh my God, it would be great to do like an alternate cut, the night seeds of Samurai cop. Right, like concurrently, just make it take place during the same movie. Yeah, exactly. What happened in nights, samurai cop nights. Yeah.

It's called like deadly invasion or some shit like that. Deadly revenge, I think. there we go. Well, I'm just glad that they, you know, Frank Washington's back. Yeah. As is Peggy, Peggy's back. Oh, nice. There were several people lived.

I did look up the captain, by the way. He died in 2005. Ah, damn it. So that's it. We said we all recommend it, right? There's no if it's about it, by the way. Thank you, Kevin. Thank you, Kevin. Oh, right. Kevin, of course. We had a lot of fun. If you liked this episode

and somehow found it, if you got access to Kevin's phone. Thank Kevin on the internet. Yeah, that's the only way you would have heard this. I don't know how that would have happened but... Kevin, I'm so sorry your phone was stolen. Yeah, you might be hacked. I would check your passwords really quick. That is Samurai cop directed by Amir Shurvan. If you want more

WHM, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at the Headgum Network. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter at WHM Podcast, of course. Rate and review wherever you get us. And write into the mailbag, you guys. We all hate movies at gmail.com. We're currently collecting

Halloween stories for the October mailbag, so figure that shit out. I'm sure there's a bunch of wild tales out there. Has anyone ever gone as Samurai Cop for Halloween? Because that's a Halloween wig. That is a Halloween wig, but no. Have you ever been made fun of for your shitty Halloween?

Oh, that's a great topic. Or like, you know, you go and like, maybe you're like a Chris Cabin type and you do a really shitty obscure movie character and you just kind of wear clothes from home and everyone spends all night like hey what are you

wearing and you're like oh I'm Phillips Seamer Hoffman from Charlie Wilson's War Now you know what that I mean that was bad but the all time worst Chris Gavin Halloween costume was the years he went he like you're not here the year you went. Thank you. You went as talk to me like I'm here please

you're dead to me the year you'll recall this everybody in the room the year Chris went as himself from the future Wait, no, I don't remember this. This was our senior year of college and Chris just put on glasses and a sweater

and it was you in the future. Yeah, I just like, fuck it. I'm not a Halloween person. I'm not. No, I've never been. It's fine, I just don't care. It's coming up. The spookacular starts next week.

With what movie? Oh my God, it's Freddy's dead the final nightmare. which is not the last nightmare movie, but it is Freddy's at the final nightmare. It is, and we'll say up front that this year's Halloween bonus episode will be us

rating the Nightmare and Elm Street franchise, the worst of the big three franchise. It's going to be rough. There's a lot of even. There's like two good ones and the rest are even. And you know what the roughest, one of the roughest roads of all? Freddy's Dead Final Nightmare.

So until next week, where we're talking Roseanne and Tom Arnold cameos, Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.