We Hate Movies - S8 Ep324: Episode 324 - Rising Sun

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

On this week's episode, the guys kick off the blessed month of Snipesgiving with the one and only Michael Crichton snooze, Rising Sun! What's with that terrible interrogation framing device they barely use? Why couldn't they find better lines and a stronger subplot for Steve Buscemi? And how in the world do you make us wait a whole eleven minutes before we see us some Wesley Snipes? PLUS: Sean Connery mixes up Jurassic Park dinosaurs with Japanese businessmen! And to continue the Snipesgiving celebrations, be sure to catch WHM at the Bell House on 11/18 talking about the ridiculous Blade: Trinity! Get your tickets here! Rising Sun stars Wesley Snipes, Sean Connery, Harvey Keitel, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Mako, Steve Buscemi, Ray Wise, and Tia Carrere; directed by Philip Kaufman. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, we start the Blessed Month of Snipes Giving with a ridiculous film starring Sean Connery and the great Wesley Snipes. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Saddam. Eric Siska. This is Rising Sun on We Hate Movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in, as always. Happy Snipesgiving, gentlemen. Oh, man. Cut me a slice of that. Oh, yeah. And I should say this up front. Wesley Snipes is one of America's greatest treasures. He's a fucking awesome actor.

And I don't want any of you use out there in listener land to take this Snipes' Giving Month to mean that we hate Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes fucking rules. My favorite tax evader. It's my absolute favorite. Over Capone? Yeah, even so. Over Capone?

Less bodies on Snipes. Less bodies. I'd rather have sex with Wesley Snipes and Paul Manafort. Oh, guaranteed. That's an easy thing. So we're going to be watching like five movies in a row. including our live show at the Bell House coming up on... That's right. We're back in Brooklyn.

Now, listen, this is the last tour date of 2017. Right. We've said that before, but this time it's for real. This time we absolutely mean it. No, we can run in the days. This was a surprise gig, man. They were like, hey, you want to come? One last ride for 2017.

We were like, fuck yeah, Bell House. Let's do it. And let's do it with goddamn Blade Trinity. Absolutely. The Bellhouse, NY.com. Tickets are 15 bucks. 7 o'clock door, 7.30 show. We're talking Blade Trinity live.

Snipesgiving taping. Now, this Snipesgiving taping is not live. We're in studio. We're talking Rising Sun from a great year, actually. 1993. This film was directed by Philip Kaufman. He's made the best remake of... Body Snatchers?

Body Snatchers. Thank you. Donald Sutherland going... I might even say it's better than the Siegel. It is. It is. It's better than the original. I really like the original, but it's the one. That's the one. And the right stuff is amazing. Great movie. A little long, great movie. Yes.

Now, this movie, consequently, it's a little long, but not very good at all. No, it's a dull Michael Crichton movie, which I didn't know, surprise, frightening. Oh, man. That guy sucks, right? Yeah, well, he's... At that point, right?

We could say he sucked. You did Jurassic Park and Westworld, and that's it. Unless you're talking about dinosaur... Unless you're in a theme park atmosphere, you get him out of the theme park? That's the only thing he knew how to do. Did he work at, like, an adventure land? Possibly.

maybe or summer the adramidustrain ain't bad I think he's just one of those dudes that was jealous he couldn't be a scientist yeah I mean it's that and like anything that's not he's also like he thinks he's smarter than just doing sci-fi like no dude

that's what you do man just you're really good at the thrillers with the twists and turns that is not what you want out of Michael Crichton well yeah I mean he wanted to be a scientist with imagination yeah like and all this all this shit is stupid we open on one of the single

most disturbing karaoke videos I've ever seen in my life. Well, first of all, we open on a gong noise because it's a rising sun and that's, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, spoiler alert for the rest of this episode, there's a lot of fucking racist Asian stuff in this movie. And I'm not talking about Asians being racist.

No. I'm talking about people being racist toward Asians, specifically Japanese people. Almost only just the Japanese. It is just the, rising sun, Colin, just the Japanese. But John Connery is talking about Japanese people like they were invented three. years ago. It's like he's like trying

to tell you what this new fad is called the Japanese. It's a primer is what it is. He's giving you a primer on what you need to know about the Japanese. Everything you wanted to know about the Japanese but we're too afraid to ash. Now here's Bert Reynolds has a Japanese sperm.

Ham and Woody Allen are going to go running. Someone on our subreddit actually posted like this movie treats that Japanese like an alien species. And it's true. It's insane. It's like, I've been to the moon, I've met the Japanese.

That's not just this movie or this book, though, dude. This was the 1980s where I'm presuming this book was written that the movie's based on. Because, like, remember in the 80s, man? It was like, oh, my God, ew, sushi. Oh, ew! Well, we were just so afraid of, like, Japanese culture and Japanese people coming in. Just make my video camera and shut up. Exactly.

Yeah, it's like they're coming back around again as a formidable, almost superpower, I guess. But yeah, for sure. But Connery's talking about them, to your point, Eric, about the moon. It's like, like, Kirk would talk about the Klingons. Well, now you have to see that. If a Japanese lowers his eyes to you, that means you have to lower your eyes to the Japanese. Yeah, it's exactly like, it's actually any Star Trek captain explaining an alien culture. And there's even a line that's just like, like, no sudden movements now.

They take offense. And it's like, what are you talking about? Because this fucking Michael Crichton motherfucker is just writing about T-Rexes again. No, no, no, no, no. If you don't move, the Japanese can't see you. Oh, no, that's a very special Japanese. When he can spit at you and paralyze you. Well, it's so weird, though, because at one point,

Sean Connery definitely says to Wesley Slipes in this movie, he's like, you're not in America. You're in the dark realm. And I was like, what the fuck are you even? Like, okay, man, you have. to describe a world in where there are secret prostitutes and illicit business. Sure, sure, sure. Fine.

Just don't refer to it as the dark world, man. Fucking Thor's not around. He said the shadow world, but same shit. But guess what? Okay, a secret world where there is like members only bars and clubs and secret prostitutes and drugs. Welcome to anywhere in the world. Exactly. Welcome to anywhere in the world.

Welcome to fucking America. Especially Los Angeles. Angeles, my God, Los Angeles. Secret sex. clubs and whatnot. The weird thing is, back to this karaoke video. This is what we're talking about. It's like... It's a fake out. You think, I thought I

thought I rented the wrong movie. I was like, what's this fucking Western? I had the same thing, too. It was a real good fake out. I was like, oh, fuck. I thought I rented like Red Sun or whatever that Oh, come on. I didn't know. So I'd never seen this movie before. I've never seen it. And I didn't, I didn't know the Crighton connection.

I knew that Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes. Yeah, it would be a good movie. That's the doc on him that'll come out. I just knew that Snipes and Connery were in this movie I didn't have any other context So when it started I was like Oh fucking period piece Oh man

See I thought the same thing Except for I have seen this movie like 10 times Because of the sex scene And it was on HBO all the time Yeah So I was like Wait I'm sorry The sex scene in where the woman is slaughtered

Yes Everything up until Oh no I didn't pause it in time Oh this is still getting me going Chris Cabin's defense, I was also attracted to that scene as a child. Yeah, it's 1993. You're like 12. I was having flashbacks watching this. I haven't seen this. I haven't seen this since, you know, sitting in my fat boy shorts on a shag carpet in my parents' living room.

Or like hot flashes, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. It's a menopause. And whatever. I mean, because I've seen this scene. I've seen that scene like at least 20 times. I could not tell you anything about the rest of the movie not a fucking thing I couldn't say a thing about it eating sushi off of the naked women Oh we'll get to all that

All that fun stuff So what happens is it's this It's like these dudes Have kidnapped a woman And everybody's on horseback And this that and the other thing A dog comes out With a human hand in its mouth

Yeah And I'm like Oh right I forgot about that So I was like What is going on in this movie? I thought I was watching that, uh, that, uh, Western made by, uh, Thai West. Oh, uh, in the Valley of Violence. Yeah, which is pretty good.

I liked it. I didn't see it right in the middle there. It's not bad. It's not great. Uh, but then like, all of a sudden, someone starts singing, don't fence me in. And I was like, what the fuck's going on? And then you see like, the little subtitles. I was like, oh, it's a karaoke video. Okay. But then immediately I was like, but what was with that fucking dog? What was, what karaoke video? Karaoke videos are always like, people at a party people at the beach people on a boat a lot of fucking meadows cabin absolutely firework sometimes a kidnapped woman in a fucking dog with a human hand in its mouth

a cityscape occasionally that's a karaoke bar that I'd love to get kicked out it's not just karaoke though it's Shang sung doing karaoke I love that Shang soon is in this movie what's the actor's name is Carrie hero yuki Tagawa he's actually pretty good in a man in the high castle he's a great actor

he's actually really good in this like it's a nice he is good he's actually really good in this yeah he's one of the better actors in this movie he's also one of the best

actors in he's it makes me realize that he's the reason Mortal Kombat is worth watching like you know what I mean like he's as Shang Suing is really kind of great he's an actual actor

in that movie I was trying I thought I liked him from something else I'm not, oh, he's in, he does a voice in, uh, Cubo in the two strings. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember him, he breaks, he's, I think he's the main villain in showdown in Little Tokyo. I don't know. I never saw it. Dolf Lungren and Brendan Lee man. Oh, really? Team up and they go to fight. Is this before or after Brandon Lee got shot?

Oh, is it before? This was before, you lunatic. Uh, so, uh, yeah, we're in this karaoke bar, it turns out. He, uh, his lady friend is bored. Uh, you find out because it's 6. 5.45 in the morning. This has been going all night boy was I impressed let me tell you what this woman storms out she's like I like to have fun or whatever and this dude's like singing with his bro hems up on stage and everything

and she does like the open the door and it's sunlight and I was like what the fuck and then it just says like in total X-Files font by the way uh you know Los Angeles whatever the date is

643 AM I was fucking 643 They are way too well composed for a 643 a.m. Yeah, that's actually true. Yeah, he's performing way too competently for quarter to seven. You're a turning song. Cabin and I closed down a bar in Brooklyn several years ago and we got kicked out. We were drinking like gin and tonics and playing fucking Connect 4.

You remember this, Cabin? Yes, and you asked for. I asked one for the road, you know. I was like, I promise I'll chug it and they kicked us out. And I was like, this is bullshit cabin. Let's go find an after hours bar and Chris opened the door and we got punched in the face with the

sunlight. And I was like, what? And look, it was 6.30 in the morning. We went home and went to sleep. Yeah, that's the right. But so that's, it's so impressive. But then we cut to this business meeting that's happening at the same time more or less and I'm like, uh-oh, it's that Michael Crichton early morning

business meeting shit. Just like in what do you call? Who's having a meeting? And then They're finishing a meeting. Disclosure. Yeah, disclosure. They're finishing a meeting at 643. What time did this start? It's a big one, so it must have been like five.

Am I sleeping at the office now? Is that what needs to happen? You have to. I mean, that's a bone-chilling time. It's better. You're going to bed at seven, right? I mean, that's earlier. Like, this is cutthroat business world.

And that's always with Crichton shit. Yeah. So this business meeting is going south. We have two Seinfeld. character actors in this scene. One is the dude who played Crazy Joe DeVola. Oh, very nice.

The other dude is the guy who was the TV guide dude who later he became Elaine's Mannequin guy. He's also on Scrubs. He's the lawyer. He was the lawyer on Scrubs. So it's the two of these dudes trying to like negotiate this meeting with like this

huge Japanese firm. But they're whispering at the table. They're like, I don't think we want to do this. Yeah, I know. And then, like, the idea is, like, the Japanese firm is so underhanded and shitty that they're taping this conversation. Right. And, like, signaling to each other. And also, they know so much about cameras. They know so much of a camera there.

Yeah, apparently they added two more to this room just to spy on the negotiation. Cameras find a way. And Michael Crichton's universe, cameras find a way. Well, they've got this room wired for sound, man. And then there's a security guard who's, like, whispering in the ear. of one of the other guys at the other side of the table like this is what they're talking about this is going great

but it's not even that underhanded you're at the table all someone needs to do is perk their ears up you're two and a half feet away from somebody yes exactly it's quite rude to be quite honest it's so stupid and for some reason a lot of this all this whole business deal lives or dies

by the vote of the US Senate sure because I guess it's a big enough merger or so I think they talk about how it's like, oh, it's a foreign corporation, so the government has to oversee this. When the book came out, Crichton got a lot of shit for essentially being like Japanese or evil. It's essentially in the book as well.

And so that I think that was the underlining thing with all of this shit. Don't sell America's future away, guys. America first. I've been saying that for years. I've been saying that for years. Yeah, you have been. I've known you a long time. I mean, the first day I met you, you said that.

But it's like a microchip company. It's an American microchip company that is in the process of, I guess, about to be bought out by this Japanese firm. Right. This huge conglomerate would seem. And this sender, by the way, is played by Ray Wise. Woo! Which is awesome. Good to see him in a movie.

A spectacular mullet in this movie. Oh, yeah. Although it's what I will call a giveaway mullet. And we'll get to that when the time comes. Oh, I'm serious. But it's a total giveaway mullet. But I love... Oh, those are a mullet, you'd get, like, a party.

Like, you're on your way out. Like, oh, here's a mullet. Thanks for coming. At the Oscar party. We got a bag full of airplane bottles of Smyranoff and a mullet wig. These are mullets by Agnes B. She made these all for you. This whole deal, by the way, going down in a Nakamoto Tower, by the way.

A little too close to Nakatomi. A little too close. That motherfucker read that book that Diehard was based on? Is there a Nakatomi in the book? I don't know. Chris Gavin, get reading. Whatever that book is

that Diehard's based on, surprisingly? It's like John Lady Chatterley's lover. Yes, that's exactly what it's going. Anyway, I just find that funny. It's in Los Angeles. John Shevers, the Falconer. Oh, yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking of.

Yes, I loved him. I knew it Oh, that old aunt is the best part of that episode So it takes us 11 minutes to cut to Wesley Snipes Which is just a fucking cinema sin It really is He gets a call from his captain It's 11 minutes to find out

What's his dimes in this movie And it's also 11 minutes to find out This movie is a framing narrative Like it's just Oh right I hate that And I hate when we catch back up to it It's fucking dumb and useless

It makes no difference on the outcome of this movie. That has to be the first 30 seconds of your movie is you know it's a framing narrative. You can't have like 12 minutes of footage. And then like... And then do the framing narrative and then start the movie over and then we get to that framing narrative not that long into this fucking insane running time. I mean, that's the thing. It's almost exactly as long as Star Wars and like...

It's longer than Star Wars. It's longer. This movie is two hours and nine minutes. It's six minutes longer than Star Wars. Okay, six whole minutes. You know what? You could cut out that shit. That doesn't matter.

Right. And I love him. I love Ray Wise. You could cut all of his shit out, honestly. Hans Solo doesn't need to step over job of the hunt in this movie either. Cut that out. Oh, no, I love that part of it. And they put that back in.

Yeah, no, it's weird. This framing device is Wesley Snipes being interrogated by a police captain, played by another Seinfeld bit actor that dude who played Mr. Krueger. Daniel von Bargan. Yep, RIP. So he's questioning Wesley Snipes. and like because apparently like something went down like the operation went wrong i think what went down is somebody saw a basic instinct the week before yes it's just sort of just like everyone's smoking

and this thing steve push jemmy's in that room for some reason we got to fix the script i saw a basic instinct oh fuck and then wesley show way night your crotch yeah wesley snipes does the whole like cross of the legs wow i wish uh speaking of uh do you know that michael crichton was from this project because Wesley Snipes was cast because it's supposed to be a white gentleman. Yeah, he was bummed that there was a black dude in this movie. Like, who could, again, by the way,

Michael Crichton sucks. Yes. That alone, that and Sphere, that'll those two things alone. Did you not talk about Sphere? We will probably do Sphere one day, but I will... But it's your favorite movie. It's one of my favorite movies.

Dustin, who I've been screaming like a baby for 87 minutes or however... Is that one before or below X2 on the list of the greatest movies ever made? Oh, it's right underneath that. Okay, so it's right at the bottom. Okay. So we cut to this office party, and we're celebrating, I guess, that this merger's probably going to happen, even though they have not sealed the deal.

So, like, I feel like you're putting the cart before the horse here. I mean, this, you want to talk about this shit with the Japanese shit. So the opening is Sam Lloyd and Crazy Joe DeVola are going into this. Into this... Oh, into the party. Into the party. With the wives. Two minutes of footage

spent telling you four times you have to bow to the Japanese. Absolutely right. The fuck! Bow if you're bound to and bow as long as they bow to you. You hear it like fucking four times and two minutes. And at this point, I'm thinking, oh, these dudes are characters in this movie.

Not so fast, viewer. These Japanese businessmen are showing off their culture and all that. And we do the same thing. Like, whenever we have a meeting in the United States, It's all cowboys and lasso shows. It's just a little much. It's Confederate statues left and right. You're fucking grabbing pussies, dude.

It's everything America stands for. Everything. First time you greet someone from another country, you immediately say Robert Ely did nothing wrong. It's important. Instead of saying hello, you have to say that. And that's that. Can it just be a party at this office?

My God. No, it cannot. So we cut to two people making out. It's the lady from before and what we are meant to believe. And I'm going to just call him Shang's son because that's what I know him as. He's my favorite actor.

Well, he's Eddie Sakamoto. Eddie Sakamora. Yes. And you believe to be Eddie Sakamora and he starts going down on her. And this is when I know that it's not Eddie Sakamora because if he goes down on somebody, he has to say,

It has begun! Before he does. You're right, total dead giveaway. Is that when he gets the soul out? I have to remove your soul through oral sex man, woman, or beast, let's do it Shang-sung wins for letality

I'm just glad he took off the skull helmet before he did it And it's crazy, dude, because I'm watching this movie and I was like, of course this is Michael Crighton There's a scene with oral in it Was that Shao Khan with the skull helmet? Yeah, that's Shao Khan, yeah. Oh, wait, no, yeah, he got the little fisherman's outfit.

Yeah, the little fisherman had, yeah. Fisherman Hat in Part 2. Yes. So that was what the joke should have been. Oh, that's all right. I just want to stop the tweet. There you go. Nice.

Future tweets, future crimes. I was sniping tweets from the trees, man. Exactly, dude. I just imagine Eric at like a minority report board. Like, no. They're going to catch that one. They're going to catch it. They're going to catch it.

But this is where I'm talking about that fucking giveaway mullet, dude. Because this whole thing is. is like, oh, Eddie Sakamora murdered this woman. He strangled her to death. Because they're having choke sex. He goes down under the need. And then they do like to be choking out, man. I know it makes me hard.

And so what happens is... So this woman's murdered. No, it's just enough information. Just to tease. J-E-I, actually. This woman is murdered and this dude did it. And all this movie is is you looking at the security footage. And I'm taking one.

fucking look at that mullet, dude. And I'm like, this guy is innocent. It's definitely Ray Wise. He's the only dude in the movie with a mullet. I mean, Eddie Tockemorrow has got a slight power mullet, but this is very clearly a Seinfeldian fucking Lion Main. Yes, it's a main, exactly. It was just really nice to see Leland Palmer strangle someone that wasn't his daughter.

That is nice. It's very clear that's why he got this role because he does like more Leland Palmer stuff later in the movie, too. You're totally right. No, it was clearly a white man's mullet. And, like, I don't, like, this, the whole scene, and this is the whole movie is them trying to figure this out. This is the kernel. It's so, it's so, you can't do this.

You got to look at the pixels first, Chris. Yes, of course. It's very important. That's incredibly important. So we go, it's Wesley Snipes in the rain. He's been called to the scene. He's like a liaison for this part of the town. And he's, you know, he's, like, learning Japanese.

And he knows enough about Japanese culture, but he has to pick up the one man that, knows more than him. He's the whitest Japanese man that's ever Japaneseed before. I'll introduce him as executive producer, Sean Conner. And, man, do you know the executive producer's guarantee? Are you John Connor? John Connor?

John Connor. Captain, Captain John Connor. Outrageous. I don't know when this book came out. Hey, hey, look, you're not changed. I don't care what movies were in cinemas with John Connors. I'm Michael Crichton. He's John Connor.

You're already getting a black guy. in my movie. You're not changing my lead character's cool name. I'm going to go home and take a shower. Dude, he must have been really a piss in that scene later when they drive into the neighborhood and there's a bunch of black dudes and Wesley Snipes is like,

hey guys, can you distract this fucking car full of gangsters for me? Because there's like I think at the very least 10 black men in that scene. He must have thrown up. And none of them have cigarettes in their mouth saying hold on to your butts. None of them die

By Velociraptor When you hired Sam Jackson for this movie Quick rewrite here Yeah You know I remember what happened in the book But hang on a second Yeah that's better Last time we see him

It's a fucking dismembered hand You know the Japanese are gonna beat us To the dinosaurs That's what I'm worried about The dinosaur cloning capability Of the Japanese So of course Sean Connery being this

fucking amazing Japanophile that he is, lives above a Japanese fish market. Oh, God. And like, uh, he, Wesley St. Times comes to do his apartment. He's like, take your shoes off. And like, whoa, that's so weird. It's like, not really. It's kind of just polite in general. It's also like, you're late. And it's, and he's like, oh, I am sorry. No, beyond time. I, as a Japanese, I'm very punctual. That's basically what this movie is. I, as a Japanese person, am whatever. He's well-actuallying Wesley Snipes the whole time.

Everything. That's his entire role. Every line is just him being like, he's right in every situation. So much of this movie is missed, like, this is the Snipesgiving. I want to see Wesley Snipes fucking karate kick somebody. That doesn't happen until two hours into this movie.

Yeah, it's the very end. And it's amazing because it's the classic Andrew Jupin realization of, oh, yeah, Wesley Snipes knows martial arts. Oh, yeah, man. Which he definitely does. But when he ever he breaks it out in a movie, I'm like, oh, yeah. Because he's, I mean, we're doing Snipes, so we can talk about it. Like, that's what makes Wesley Snipes such a rare talent.

He's a really good physical actor that could do, like, action shit. Yeah. But it's actually an actor, like, that can read stuff and, like, do things. Yeah. That can read stuff and do things. It's a good performance. I mean, like, look at fucking... That's the Stanislovsky tradition.

Exactly. Just to read stuff, then you do things. To Wesley Snipes's credit, I was watching this movie, getting somewhat wrapped up into the plot and getting bored by it, and then you're right. Like, I was like, oh, shit, yeah, that guy is Wesley Snipes. Here we go. It's awesome.

And, you know, 11 minutes. Finally, you're paying attention to this movie, man. So they go to the Tower of the Crime Scene, and they're met with. The racist character, which is Harvey Kytel. Yes, oh, good old Harv. I'm going to give this guy the best lines. He represents Crichton.

He represents Philip Kaufman there. He represents everyone involved in the movie. I compromised with that Spielberg, and I had to kill the best character, Wayne Knight's character, the best of all the characters. He made me kill him, along with Samuel Jackson. It was a bundle deal. So, Keitel, like, what, a year after,

Reservoir Dogs is in this movie just slumming it going. Both him and Bush. Slur. Slur, slur, slur. Slurring it up. Like, in every joke, like, all your uncle's jokes, all of them in one performance. Guess what I've already heard them already. And, like, you're supposed to be like, wow, what a bad guy. But, like, in this movie, you're like, but yeah, it's already too much. I don't think this movie treats that as, yeah, such a bad guy. Because honestly, this movie deals with, like, the anti-Asian stuff as a huge,

Shoulder shrug. Yeah. It's, well, he's saying shit, but he's all thinking about it. Harvey Cartel in this movie is very much America first. Yeah. It's all, I'm serious.

He's up blonde hair and everything, too. Oh, you stole it right out of my mouth. What the fuck is that about? He looks fucking dumb. Talk about cultural appropriation. He looks so stupid in this movie. But when they're walking into the crime scenes, you got Keitel, Wesley Snipes, and Sean

Connery, and I was playing a classic game of who the fuck is tallest. I mean, it's how tall is anybody? Because he got... I'm executive producer. Put me on stilch. He might be, or it's just, Wesley Snipes is a lot shorter than I thought he was,

and then Harvey Kytel is way shorter than that. Harvey Kitell's a short man. All right, Kitell, rock on your niche. Put the shoes under his knees. Connery is towering over Wesley Snipes in this movie. I should shoot me. He's got like a foot and a half on him almost. The thing is he's got all the money he's putting into the movie

is under his feet and he's walking on them that way. And then when it's all over they can have it. Oh. It's like a saw. He's got this pre-dust Till Dawn Caesar haircut in this movie Connery does. Oh, dude, the beard is a little like trimmed to be like a little sharp in the front.

I love it. I love it. I love everything about this. And he's swimming in that fucking suit. It's amazing. Holy shit. And the idea is like, all right, Wesley Snipes, you idiot. You're going to fuck this up because you don't know how to speak with the Japanese. So when you You fuck up, you shut up, and then I'm going to come in and shave the day.

And then he's like, I'm your Shempai. Oh, yeah, this is... You're below me, you see. You're a Kumpai. Your Komp-O, and it's just called him Kompai. Kompai the whole time. Hey, Kompai. And Snipes is like, are you referring to like a master's slave situation?

No, don't go there with your rap video culture. He's like, hey, now don't black this up for me. We're talking about the Japanese here. The Japanese aren't used to your... fragmented rap culture. That's the line. Oh, yikes. But it's something also,

because he snakes in MTV there. Hey, Philip, keep rolling. I've got it. Let me take this one for a walk. I need a suggestion from the audience. Black guy, got it. Hey, Philip. How much film you got in that camera?

Because I'm just gonna fucking gore. So they get in there. and like basically like he strikes out Snipes strikes out with the first guy And then what is the line here that that when fucking he's barking Oh when he yells at like the Don't you fuck with me Mug shots for all these men

Like yeah because O'Connery's brought into this investigation Because he knows Japanese culture I guess Even though he could yell the best He was like suspended off the force For being like a fucking not a team player I guess they say something like that. Both his character and Wesley Snipes' character,

I want like the prequel movies of both of them because they sound way more interesting than this movie. He certainly. He was like doing some King of Los Angeles shit before this. In this scene where he's just like, I'm just doing it to, you like to cost this guy face or whatever, I'm going to shave his face or whatever.

And he's playing the role of crazy guy gene. So he's going to make a scene. Yes. in order for this guy to give up the names instead of making it a bigger production than it has to be. Isigara, I think, is the man that ends up. He's a pretty big character.

Yeah, the mustache he's dealing with. And yeah, and he's, don't you fuck with me. It is said so perfectly. I cannot express this enough. You did it pretty well. And also when Connery says, crazy guy jing, he's also doing air guns.

Yes. Which is also saying, something perfectly. That's true. And yeah, so, like, basically we go through this crime scene, and it's weird basic instincting around. Like, we talk about choke sex a little bit. And everyone's like, what?

Choke sex, huh? We've got to explain, like, that whole thing for the audience. There's sexual asphyxiation or whatever we want to call it. Yeah. Harvey Kytel makes five jokes about sushi, something being like sushi. He definitely yells. It's a dead body. She's sitting there like a piece of sushi on the table.

I mean, they didn't even have the common courtesy to cook her. Okay, it is, she's laying on the table like a piece of sushi. In this scene, he yells at somebody to please speak American. Uh-huh. And then at another point, someone walks in with leftovers from this party and says, like, Hey, Chief, you want some sushi? And he goes, no, if I want mercury, I'll eat a thermometer. Jesus.

I would love the stinger scene of just Harvey Keitel eating thermometers. Like snapping them open and just like chugging the mercury out of it? You just gnaosh it on the glass, man. Like pixie sticks. Good double feature with Werner Herzog eats his shoe. Oh, totally. Harvey Kytel eats his thermometers. This isn't going down so well.

So they get a lead or something, something. We wind up. Or no, we're still investigating this office. They open a door and it's like a sex room. Yeah. To which Wesley Snipes is so impressed. And he goes, yeah. an executive fuck chamber

great line Crichton we wind up going to Sakamura's like basically that's where he keeps his like she was living with him oh by the way there's so much like weird shit

about like you Japanese men might have sex with our quote unquote our women because like right three different some people like three different people come up and like oh yeah everyone comes over here they want to fuck a rose bowl queen it's like yeah I know what that means Thank you for that

That's a Pasadena reference She lives in like an apartment building For a quote unquote kit women It's also like kind of prostitution And we're kind of going It's definitely just a prostitution Yes a prostitution like apartment complex I think somebody throws around the geisha thing

Yeah anybody notice this threesome scene That kind of happened Oh guaranteed It's two women and a guy And like they're kind of looking And they're closing the door to let you know they're about to have a threesome, but they're playing Love Shack?

Love Shack is glaring. You will be laughed out of a threesome if you put on fucking the B-52s. You'll be laughed out of a threesome. Well, I don't know. Threesome to Rock Lobster. Maybe. Channel Z, maybe. Threesome to Love Shack. That is so on the nose.

You're literally in a love shack right now. That's stupid. Love Shack, baby. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Blar and my song in the whorehouse is P.A. This song, was written for prostitutes.

Why would you play that? You're ruining the atmosphere. It's a fuck motel. Yeah, it's really weird. And they close the door and it's just like, will you please leave us to our B-52s now? We're going to fuck to the dulcet tones of Mr. Fred Schneider.

Are you sure you don't want to put on like some SOS band? No, no, I'm fucking you to Fred Schneider, ma'am. I paid for this time. Some Chaka Khan, maybe. I did hear this guy was a sadist. Exactly. What's a fucking safe word to turn off the B-50 Tunes? Something that comes to nothing in this movie,

I was just reminded of it. There's nothing to do with this prostitution scene. Tamara Tuni is in this movie. Law & Order franchises Tamarituny. All of her dialogue's off-screen. Off-screen. But she's also Wesley Snipes's ex-wife. Sure.

She's seen at this party on the security footage, which is like, wow, dude, your ex-wife's at this party where a murder happened, presumably you'll interact with her at some point? Nope. Nope. Nope. You hear from her on like a voicemail and like a fucking, like speakerphone and that's it. I'm sure she was all over the original five-hour cut. I've heard it's excellent. I've heard it's excellent. Five hours. As good as right stuff. The right stuff might be that long for all I remember. Right stuff's like three and a half, three-twenty-five. Peter, you got to cut it down to two or nine. I don't know. I don't give a fuck about Tomato Tune. Go to the fucking grocery store or whatever. Cut a minute of my footage. You're out.

And you know what the Goro scene has to go to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Goro. This ain't a movie for monsters. Ooh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, security. Security. So at this fuckplex, they meet this woman named Julia

who's like, oh, I was good friends with the murdered girl. Yeah, let me give you some information. And as this woman starts detailing everything, Philip Kaufman's camera takes a tilt down, and you're just staring at this woman's crotch while she's giving all this information to Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes is kind of a creep in this movie,

but it never comes to anything. He doesn't act on it. No, it's this scene, and in the last scene, and the last scene comes up is very creepy. Well, originally Philip Kaufman did want to remake kids. So, I mean, this does make sense. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Somebody gave me HIV, and I'm going to find out who. Put that skateboard down. Your name's not Casper. Hey, Chloe, Seven-Ye. Isn't it great skipping school? Let me get on a skateboard.

I like hip-hop music, too. The first scene will be me and me trying to. convinced my partner to have sex with me without a condom. Eight minutes long, one take. Larry, Larry, am I good? Am I good in here? Larry Clark is a misunderstood, genius. Do you have my bodice in full here?

So they go to some house party. I mean, it's this crazy thing where it takes so long to do so much in this movie. I started thinking, like, is this movie going to take place all in one night? Yep. I really thought that's what was happening because this murder investigation is going on at the office. They're at the crime scene. It's all a productive night.

And then it's like, okay, now we bring in this woman and she's going to tell us everything that she's finding on the body. By the way, another Seinfeld character actor. You catch this woman, the woman who's doing like the rape kid on the corpse? Oh, right. She's the woman. I did not catch the woman.

She plays the Korean woman at the nail salon that Frank Costanza had the relationship. with. This is just Seinfeld. It's crazy. This whole movie. They kept popping out. But then so after all of that, they're like, all right, here's the next lead.

Let's go to this house party where Shang Sun, Ray Wise, and like all of these babes are hanging out. And the single most hilarious security guard duo I've ever seen in my life, Gary and Jeff. Oh, I love this.

This is awesome. This dude Gary. And he's just like, well, you can't come in here, fellows, there's a strict guest list. And this guy's delivering these lines like very flatly. And Sean Commery punches this dude in the throat and it's awesome. It's a trailer line because like I'm a six degree

black belt and Sean Conner goes, well of course you are dear. And he like chops his neck because he's like the best fighter that ever lived. I guess well the best throat poker at least. It's like a flapper it's like a flapper party inside. Oh it's crazy because

yeah they cut to the inside and Shangxun's dance with these babes and it's like he's a real song and dance man the gold diggers are 93 yes they pan over to Ray Wise and he's got like kind of

his wife is paralyzed and like this is an odd detail that probably works for a book but you can leave this out of a movie I think that this is the idea of like oh he has sex with other women's there might be an arrangement situation going on because he's like huh honey remember we used

we used to dance like that and it's like yeah I'm paralyzed day i mean i don't know don't remind somebody of when they used to be able to dance ray wise and why are you at this coke party well i think he's playing uh what uh edwards carrie oh john edwards john edwards and ray wise as john edwards i mean it was the same story right it's just john edwards didn't blow his own head off yeah that's oh spoiler alert uh oh i hope you watched rising sun i really i hope you didn't i really hope you And so they bust into this party. Then Eddie Secomora comes out.

Basically, he's like, oh, you know, I didn't do it. Is this when he gives them the first of many laser discs? Oh, mini CDs? Oh, from the Gizmo. We got 15 full fucking minutes. But dude, the fucking Gizmo in that scene, to go back in time a little bit, in the tower, they go to the security room, and they're talking to the guy who runs the security and all the cameras,

and it's like, ah, but that. Like, they're all in a loop, like a 10-hour loop, but the ones they need are only... Just started two hours ago, and it's this whole thing. But then, Sean Goddwee notices there's a security camera in the security camera room in the event. Oh, right. But the gizmo was referring to the joystick. The joystick is magical because it's like, oh, the gizmos, okay, yeah, I'll push it forward. Now it's got a little bandana on.

Let me wrap my fingers around this gizmo. Corey? Don't feed it after midnight. Corey, you're assistant director, and we told you not to Zoom, and you're supposed to be doing pickup shots for security footage. Just really like that Zoom.

That's all. That Zoom looks pretty hot. Well, now we're going to have to write it into the movie. I guess, okay, I don't know. We should mention there are irises in and out, star wipes, and all sorts of, I don't know what's going on, Phil McOffman. The Star Wars wipes in this movie are outrageous.

They're fucking outrageous. I think I saw a superstar destroyer over at Los Angeles in this movie. So they're like, he says to them, like, all right, I have like some information for you or whatever. You got to come by my place or something like that because they take his passport. Yeah, you know immediately he's a red herring. You know what I mean? Like you know immediately he's a red herring. Only because this movie's two hours and nine minutes and we're about only 37 minutes of this movie.

So it's like, well, we can't have things wrapped up that fast. but then they wind up going to this dude's house later Eddie Sakamura's house because they get the security footage they watch it with Harvey Keitel and like you know you do see this Seinfeldian power mullet but in the reflection you do see for a second

Sakamara like that's it we got him he's the one of killed her so they go they do a raid on his house Sean Conner's like I'm going to bed it's fucking late and it's Snipes and Kytel and they put their fucking vests on when they get there I always hate that in movies it's like no you do that in the car or before well shit man you want to ride in the car

with a bulletproof vest on that's annoying I guess well why would you want to have like a big if he got shot why would you want to have a big dramatic reveal that he actually had a why would you want to do something like that why not just like kill all tension deflate that immediately please let me know that a bullet will not harm

this man in this upcoming scene essentially. Yeah, that's good. This is when Sakamora is, it's not just eating sushi off of a woman. This part is downright disgusted. This is pornography. I'm watching pornography and this is what? This is not pornography.

Are you fucking kidding me? How is this pornography? He's sucking on nipples in this scene, dipping it in sake. Oh, I forgot about the nipples. That's the thing. That's the difference. I don't know. What am I watching filth, like 21 grams? Where Sean Penn and Naomi Watts. Yeah, well, that's

What's another sexy sex? Hey, Philip, can I not be in the scene, but I'm coming anyway? I think I'll just show up case anyone needs me on shit. I'm an executive producer. It's my fucking money. Do you think that's why he was like, oh, turns out there's some nipple sucking in the screenplay.

Oh, what's that? Or I'm not in the scene at all. Well, maybe an executive producer could be on set for it. Why don't you just dress me up in one of those SWAT outfits? outfits. I can be one of the people in this, you know, you don't have to pay me any extra.

Oh, and my- dude, a pro bono. My character now likes to golf. All right, look, yeah. Yes, I'm an actor, but I'm also an executive producer, so the executive producer will have a cameo as a SWAT member. The actor is a totally different guy.

And so, yeah, it's outrageous. He's eating sushi off one woman. He takes, he fills up a little cup of sake and dips this woman's nipple in it and he just started sucking. He's about to put the B-52s on so it's really getting in we're talking about

like we're focused in on the breasts for a little bit and then we get the dip we get the liquid we get the wetness then we get the tongue coming in this is a little time this goes a little long

Eric when you were watching this did you have to like pause it and run to church I didn't know I wore out the Amazon stream like there was somehow tracking somehow tracking errors I don't know how that happens

it's a real canon film's touch and I really did wonder if they had this before they went under so they raid and for some reason these ladies are like will live or die for Eddie Sakamora will like jump in front of fucking armed policemen just one

the sushi table just lays there cooperating the other woman jumps on Wesley snipes back and is like screaming. I thought she was going to try to cut his throat or something. Yeah, yeah, it's for real. And it's fucking hilarious. One of the best exchanges in the movie is he kind of,

he just like gets this woman off of him. And he goes, I'm a police officer. And she goes, you're a piece of shit. Fucking hilarious. Well, I mean, like, that was her fantasy for years. Like, finally the whole sake thing is going to happen. Like, we talked about it. I've got this sake nip dip, man.

It's right there. Last weekend, the store was. closed this weekend we have it I've been waiting for this for fucking months so then we get a little bit of a card chase where Mr. Nakamura runs into like a barricade and that car just goes up

it just explodes man just goes right out but look like a false flag to me like how could it blow up so easy and his corpse is burned beyond recognition like they can't even get like dental records out of this thing oh no man no way well apparently the LAPD wants this case closed generally. Oh, wow.

Cashman Bad with his Sakamura. Well, no. Prison, Paul would have taken this right apart. Oh, yeah. Definitely. We need one of his videos. That's all that could save us now. And then we go back to this interrogation framing device. And Mr. Kruger is like, so things were going along as you planned it. I thought you had Fred Krueger for a second.

Ice dreams, Wesley. He's like, you know, yeah, things were going okay. and then like you know von bargain or whatever his name is is like until they weren't and he's like yes that's right and then it just cuts back to the movie and you're like what what the fuck what was the point of that framing device at all like if you if you're watching this movie and you see where it's going like take it out fix it re-edit it i can tell you again just like you don't want to have any of the tension in the scene with you don't want to think well these snipes could die you don't want to have that's true you don't want to have that like tension there either. Why would you do that? That's like what a filmmaker would do.

So another classic exchange actually comes up right here. We cut to the next morning, Wesley Snipes is sleeping it off, long night on the job. The phone's ringing. His daughter comes into the room at the same time and the daughter's like asking him questions while he's on the phone. And at one point she just goes, why does mommy call you a loser? Oh man, that hurts. That hurts. And then there's this like I don't know if it's his mother or it's the mother-in-law. character. There's a woman who's not allowed to say a word in this movie. I don't know if she didn't have a fucking union

car. She's in the fucking strangers. She's just like in shots in the corner sometimes. She fucking like comes in and just takes the kid out and makes a face at Wesley Slipes and that's where she's got to be like, you're an asshole or like whatever it is, but this woman like buttons up. I think it was a sag issue.

You can be in this movie. You fucking shut your mouth lady. Yeah, she says, you know, oh daddy, mommy's calling you a loser. Doesn't ask, you know, when you came in at 8.30 a.m. today. Where was my breakfast at 7? You know, if I'm Wesley Snipes and somebody calls me a loser, I'm getting on the floor and doing

one-arm push-ups. How can a loser do one-arm push-ups? That's true. Those are only for winners. Or you can check balance. Do a roundhouse kick? Oh, yeah. Losers could do this. Kiyah! Yeah, totally. The signed headshot of sly. That comes out.

Oh, absolutely. Not loser. Sorry. I'm holding all aces tonight. This is where our first plot twist comes in because the guy's talking to like a police dispatch person or something and the guy's like, yeah, you called in for your messages or whatever and Wesley Slamps is like, no, I didn't. And then the guy's like, all right, well, one of the dudes that called you at 2.10 a.m.

was your friend Eddie. And this is like post when this dude supposedly burned up in a fire. So now it's like, oh, now the games are fort you. Say you got to call from beyond the grave, did you? We're ghost hunting tonight. But then it's just, we have to stop the movie dead. If anything looks like it is, it isn't. And then we have to stop the movie dead because Sean Connery is golfing.

The executive producer is being filmed golfing in a scene. Because this is how I make my contacts. Oh, yeah, got a good lead on the golf course. Listen, let me tell you right now, if you make me the executive producer, this movie, Rise and Sean, I'm going to be so busy working my buns off. I'm not going to be able to golf. Not once am I going to be so busy doing work As an executive producer

Fine, I'll play golf with Marco Fine, get him in here Yes, I will act, Marco, come on, come on I will act golf I will do that I will not golf but I will act golf No, I don't need a fucking stunt double Drive my own fucking golf ball

Thanks anyway, Zachary So he's golfing You know who's doing stunts in this movie I had a curious. Who's that? Dick Warlock, man. The shape is in this movie somewhere. Oh, shit.

That's amazing. He's probably Connery's stunt him. That would have been, I mean, like, I know that the zombie movies are so-so, and, you know, Malcolm McDowell is fine in them. If you got Sean Connery as Loomis, oh, fuck. That would be awesome. He's pure to evil. Oh, he's met a 13-year-old boy, sheriff. The fucking angry as little.

Piss a piece of shit I ever saw. If we really like Conneried it up to do something with those lines. Arm wrestles Michael Myers at the end and wins. All right, roll up your sleeves, Mike. Get that fucking stupid jumpsuit up. Oh, look at you, Michael. Bringing a knife to a fucking fist fight.

Yeah, I wore a mask when I was a baby. Why would a baby wear a mask? we move we're on Haddonfield but we also were Haddenfeld Or Haddenfield Haddenfield

But we're on 33 Racine Street as well So at this point We have to take a venture To another buddy of Sean Connery's Some dude at this like Technical Institute Or whatever the fuck this thing is It's slash a film school

I don't know what this is supposed to be It's to satisfy my what Tia Carreras in this movie Because like that was the opening credits. And she's like way down there also Steve Bouchemmy. I'm like, what? It's crazy that Steve Bouchemey makes opening credits of this movie. He's got one and a half

scenes. If that, yeah. I think he's got one line and in one scene he's just in the background. Well, I think this is just filling out yet another, a Crichton staple. Bullshit about computers. Well, it's technological nonsense. He's talking about like video doctoring

and whatnot. And so Tia Carrera is like the video expert and she's explaining to Sean Connery like how videos can be doctored, like is the idea, because as it turns out in your imagination. Right. They're analyzing this tape and it's like, you

know, oh, it appears as if Eddie's head has been placed over, you know, and Sean Connery's like, sounds like a lot of voodoo to me. And he's right. He's 100% right. You can't do this to what they do in this scene you cannot do

today. It doesn't work this way because what she's holding on this two shot of Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery and she just outlines Wesley Snipes head and moves it and then outlines Connery's head and swaps them basically but while you're watching it when she moves the heads

you see the background of where they're sitting no no no no no no no no that's straight up magic Merlin that's what that is and they're talking and stuff as the heads move it's like no no no no no no no it's so fucking stupid it's the same with the virtual reality from disclosure just garbage

Because he thought he saw the whole future coming And he had some ideas But Christ on cross man Caught it down Also with that What was the timeout Or did the time warp What

Time's me Timeline Timeline is like That's him taking that big time All the bullshit that you never thought Would ever happen I'm going to show you Wow that was with Paul Walker right

Yes You got a really real Eddie Sacramento And Gerrard Butler It's true Yeah, I mean, yes, Eric, it's true Although, wait, wait, no, Eddie wasn't actually in that crash, never mind. Oh, my God, that would be you just blew my mind with the best Sean Connery. I know he's retired, but in the next Has Fallen movie, it's, oh, my, I gotta get my grandfather going.

Oh, fuck, yes. But they're both doing shitty American accidents, like, it's me American Mike and my American grandfather, Craig. Hey, it's me, Craig banning all Americans. growing up in fucking Wisconsin or whatever the fuck I watched Kennedy died in my arms yeah that one was on me

and then I foiled John Malkovich when he tried to take out the new president yeah it's like in the line of fire but but not I would fucking totally see that movie if they were like

hey in this new has fallen movie which is coming out which is basically Air Force One, by the way. If they were like, also special appearance by Sir Sean Connery as Banning Senior, fuck yes, right, right to the theater. I'm getting these buns right to the theater. They're going, that's so they have to do train next, right? It's gone, air, it was like, like, mole has fallen.

Well, that's the weird thing is they did, they did a city, Olympus has fallen, and then another city, London has fallen. Yeah, and now we go to the sky. Angel has fallen. Okay, so then an airplane. But, like, they're going smaller. There's a train smaller than a... Yeah, you could do a train set.

Train, maybe a car? Oh, no, the president's locked in a bathroom. We've got to get him out. Shitter has fallen. That's like a bad SNL sketch. If Gerard Butler hosted, they would write shitter as falling. Well, Sean Connery could be his father who's a plumber. you only call me when you need me boy

you only call me when your life clogs up don't you have any PG tips that's all we drink in Montana you're not supposed to flush paper towels on goddam sanitary napkins gotta put a fucking sign up in this bathroom flushing all sorts of shit

I found a fucking quarter. Either someone ate that quarter or someone would fill out of their pocket. Either way, it shouldn't be in the Dalit. I didn't eat that quarter. Jamal Wallace, ain't that quarter? Stand back, we've got to give it the snake. I'll be snaking this toilet.

Dude, to come out of retirement, only to snake a toilet on kids. To be fair, Andrew, it's the president. It's for the president. Yeah, exactly. National security. I call it the Andaconda. Oh, man.

Shit House one. I don't know where we are. Well, this is, it's, it's, it's the pixels are bogus. This is a whole fucking, you know, there's five scenes of this, making up another 20 minutes of this. When we get into, like,

Tia Carrera is talking about her life. Western Snipes is obviously easily smitten because it's 1923 Tia Carrera. But then he dials back that's smitten a little bit when he realizes she has like a fucked up hand. Yeah. Oh,

that's a weird thing. Because she's got, she's got like a birth defect and whatnot. And she sort of like pulls her hand off the desk. And Wesley Snipes is kind of looking like, well, all right. Like that's the look he gives this woman.

And her backstory is like it's again, Japan is so shitty because she's not, again, she's not a Japanese American. She's from Japan. And she's dealing with like, like basically like she, you know,

She was treated awfully because she had a horrible hand. But then also she's half black. That's something we got into a little bit. Yes. Which is something that's like, first of all, she's Hawaiian and like Filipino. So like let's all dial it down a little bit. Yeah. I mean, Crichton was like, you're going to use some of my stuff.

Some of my resentful bullshit is going to stay in here. Yeah, this is why I'd hate this character too. It's all like, and she has like seven lines in the movie. It comes to nothing because she's totally inconsequential to. I mean, she's consequential, but she's just kind of, like, part of the team, but not really. Like, at the end, when she goes with them, like, oh, okay, she's really in this movie then. Yeah, and, like, this is a real dip for the whole movie because it's that bullshit a lot. Mixed with this Steve Bouchemney's storyline.

Like, who, what? What? Why? Why would you do this? He, like, works for the L.A. Times? He's a reporter for the L.A. Times. He's named the Weasel. He's in for, like, two scenes, basically.

And one of those scenes is mostly Bulldog from Frasier telling him about Weasel. That's right. That's right. The Bulldog from Frasier calls up Wesley Snipes and he's like, hey, your buddy the weasels back in the office. And it's something about he. Ollie, sure. Bulldog says. No, get him out of here.

No, no, I'm not showing up on shit. Not fucking falling for that again. Oh, wow. We got to recast him with that. Wait, Harvey Cartel. You know anyone from your last? movie? I might get a guy.

I'm ready for some James Bondage. Oh man. Yup, guaranteed. Better movie, man. I'm sorry. I love Steve Busemi, but get Polly's energy

in this movie. And we might have something. It would be one of those things where they were like, Polly was originally written to have one line. But the director loved what he did with that delivery so much

that he became the third-billed character. I love Philip Cofman letting him go. Oh, go for it, man. Go, Wiesel. I love a good Polly Shore riff. Look, what's weird about this movie is Sean Connery has all like the comedy lines. He has all of the lines, period.

I'm from Scotland backyard and all that shit. That is hilarious. It's that Connery shit where he has to be on top of every scene. Like, he has all of the lines. He wins every scene. And it's a specific problem because Sean Connery has never been funny. I'm sorry, he's never been funny. He's funny, but not like deliberately.

Like he's old man funny. I was laughing throughout. this movie. Well, sure. But it had nothing to do with him trying to be funny. It honestly, though, speaks to, like, the persona or whatever that he can, like, muster because he's fucking bulldozing Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes is getting fucking rolled by this old man. It's crazy. So the Steve Buscemi thing is, like, basically, like, Wesley Snipes was on the take at some point or something. With Harvey Kytel. That's the prequel movie. Yes. That sounds pretty great, but then also the Bulldog posits that now Bouchemy is on the take because he says something about like how he rolled up in like some nice car.

And he's like, you ever hear of a reporter to have a Lamborghini or like whatever it is? And I was like, okay, so now we're now finally we're getting into some C. Bouchemi. No. Nope. Nah, that doesn't come to. He's gone. He just vaguely suggests that like Mako paid him or something like that and that's it. But we come to find out everyone in this is on the take.

And, like, Sean Conner, like, Wesley, there's actually a good scene where Wesley Snipes tells, like, Sean Conner, like, well, you know, you did get that golf membership. And it's like, how much is that worth? Oh, $100,000. $100,000 in 1993. And he, and a captain of the police. Yep. I guess that's his rank, right, John Connor? He's Captain Connor, yeah.

Doesn't, doesn't think that counts as a bribe. Well, he's like, I need it for work. Yeah, okay. Make a lot of contact there on the lynx. That's exactly how he's justifying it. Isn't he not no longer, he's like a liaison. He's not really part of the police anymore. I think he was kind of like suspended for,

Harvey Godell says for not being a team player, so I guess he's not corrupt enough. Yes, that's what, they want him to go full Serpico and like, like be okay with shooting people. It's in this amazing scene where like Wesley Snipes just pulls over and the two of them get out of the car. He's like going to beat Sean Connery up.

Oh, me, he's like, I'm fucking sick of it. I want to do it. it, and I'm like, oh, please let this happen. And this is, it's after, like, his ex-wife, Tamara Tooney, like, on the speaker phone is like, by the way, I'm going to take custody as child because you're never around. So it's like this huge blowout or whatever. There's a line in this scene that were Wesley Snipes. I don't know what he's responding to.

It's something Connery says, and he goes, I guess that makes everything all white now, doesn't it? I was like, ooh, funny. Well, there's some stuff going on where, like, basically like, oh, yeah, the L.A. Times is writing stuff about the LAPD because they're like Japan bashing or whatever and that's like accurate and yeah and like they also like there's this thing like where

West Houston Ips is like oh yeah they're seeing where Japan bashing I don't even know what that means and then Sean Conner's like yeah next they'll call you racist so it's revealed that Eddie is still alive a little plot twist here and as it turns out his buddy

the chief of security Tanaka was in that car and fucking took that spill There's some weird thing where, like, he owed him money or something and, like... Well, wasn't he's just saying something like he was like, he was that fucking loyal. Yes. To this, to this, to Mako. Because, by the way, we should mention Eddie is Mako's son.

Yes. So he's like, this dude Tanaka is like that loyal to this family that he's like, yeah, yeah. As long as you just like leave money for my family to live on, yeah, you can blow me up in a car. That's fine. Y'all drive into this fucking barricade. Don't worry about it. I think that's, like, fucking, because we're trying to get all of the Japanese stereotypes and we're doing some kamikaze action at this point.

I guess you're right. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's something. That makes sense. Yeah, he did crash right into a battleship. I'm joking. I'm just, yeah. Somewhere around here, the Yakuza attack once again. Well, yeah, this is so like Eddie Sikkimara says, I'm alive. By the way, I have the original tape because that's the whole thing. That becomes the new McGuffin is we need the original tape because I'm going to show us who did what to whom. And he's like, I have the original tape and at this point they become under siege with the Yakuza and Harvey Kaitel's in on it and he says

the worst racial slur in the movie and at this point you're like oh shit here it comes Wesley Snipes is going to dispatch with some accusa here it comes but then Sean Connery's like I'll be back in a minute and he goes down and he gives like Vulcan death grips to everybody and it's like this is

insane like we know you're like a mage from the start of this movie but what the fuck are we playing by. Yeah, he knows magic. It's crazy. He's it's like everything in this movie is Deus X. Connery.

He's a god. He's a walking god in this movie. One of the dudes that he gives the pinch to is fucking Keitel. And there's this weird thing where like Keitel gets in the car and there's another man sitting riding shotgun and he's like, that was dead. Well, that's the thing, right? His heads down and his eyes are closed

and I was like, Kytel's going to like push this guy and like it's going to turn out like his throat was cut or something. But then it's like Connery pops up like surprise and like just rant like gives him a little like pinch and Kyle falls asleep too. So I guess

these two cops are incapacitated by a 60 year old man. Right. And then now did I watch this part right? So the yakuza's come in after they shoot Eddie to death. He's murdered. No they don't. No they stay up it. This is when the samurai swords come out. Oh yes you're right. But then what happens is though doesn't snipes

run out of the house right here and he's about to shoot the yakuza? Yeah. And then Sean Connery shoots Wesley Snipes in the back? No. And that's why he's got the bulletproof vest on? No, one of them. The Yakuza are driving off. Ishigara was watching the whole thing.

He's the one. He's behind it all, except for he's not the murderer, which, of course, who gives a fuck. Well, it's Ray Wise with that fucking Seinfeldian mullet, of course is it. It's not even that. It's layers within layers. Yeah. Oh, you're right. Oh, right.

Yes. Well, Ray Wise was doing the choke fucking. Yes. Yes. But we do. I don't want to go over it because, like, there is a. fucking samurai sword in this movie for no reason and this movie doesn't

know it's like really pushing up against it doesn't want to be an action movie but it does sort of so like yeah you don't even see any good shit happen like Eddie Sakamora is killed by a samurai sword but you don't it happens off screen right his throat is cut yes that's what it is

where your samurai friend is oh my god you get the samurai cop in on this yeah get Robert Zadar oh shit he He's still kicking around. So then it's revealed, like, Tia Carrere. Like, Sean Connery's been, like, hiding with these dudes.

Yeah. Going through this tape again? Sorry, like, we wait. He got shot, and we're fucking confusing. He got shot, and then we come to the end of the framing narrative, because we're back. And this is finally, yes. We catch up to present day. And, like, basically, Kruger is, like, look, you know, what's going to happen is

Eddie Sakamor is dead. This case is closed. Right. And, like, Steve Bushemi's in the back smoking cigarette, so he's in on it. nothing. It's so weird. And this case is closed, you'll drop it, you're done, that's it. And he's like, okay, understood. And I'll visit Dr. Van Nostrad.

Okay. So he goes to the video place where Connery has been hiding, and this is when we have the new tape and we see on the tape is Raywise. He's having choke sex with the lady, and then he leaves, but then after that, somebody else comes in

and actually murders her, because he's still alive And it's like, end your movie. Like, it was Ray Wise the whole time, movie over. That, I mean, he's got the right mullet for it. It's Ray Wise. He's Leland Palmer at this point. He killed his daughter. Do it.

And just do it. There was also, like, suspicion, like, well, why did this senator suddenly change his vote to, like, authorize this deal? Right. And this is, like, the thing is they're blackmailing him with this death tape. And the best part is he's, there's a scene with Ray Wise. The first scene with him is they go to his, like, his house. in his office and he's getting all these faxes

he's checking it like Twitter it's got I love this this is awesome like Sean Connery like takes note of this fax number earlier in the film but yeah so then they're like there's a saying that Connor uses earlier in the film like what does it like shake the grass to scare

the snakes or whatever the fuck that thing is all right Sean you put the snake in the toilet that's how you get everything going you got a snake the toilet you get all the hair out and everything Do you know how to pick out the right plunger? It's very important.

You have to look at the wood make. No, not every plunger's the same, you fucking dolt. There's subtle differences to plungers. This is mine, Big Bolt. Big Bolt. He was made with redwood. They say I carved it from a bigger plunger. Speaking of all of Sean Connery's terrible lines in this movie,

at one point he does say, I just want to mention it completely out of context All's fair in love and war And we're in the war zone Oh shit dude that's intense Come on That's so fucking intense Is that part of the 10 minute

There's a 10 minute conversation in the car Where essentially Sean Connery says A business is war 17 and a half times in different ways Yes I think it might be there That sounds where it is

As it turns out Yeah like the sex happens the girl is left alive after the choking, right? So this is like the next step. But this is hilarious. So we've got to get the snakes out. We've got to scare these snakes out of hiding. So he starts faxing frames of this sex tape to Ray Wise.

And it's this amazing moment where Ray Wise is getting these faxes. A bunch of them are coming through. Like he's getting fax bullied. Yeah. And he looks around. He looks at his wife in the wheelchair and he just shoots himself in the head in front of everybody. I love it. I didn't think that was.

Oh, shit. That was a huge mistake. No one is getting called into the supervisor's office. So you sent ten faxes of this dude's sex tape to his office, and you bullied him into shooting himself in the head. The art of war never underestimate your opponent? He's a senator. Is that working for anybody?

It's a son-soo, Machiavelli, something or other. I didn't think he was going to kill himself. Look, all's fair. love and war, and I'm on the fucking battleground to this man. God, my wife's been through so much. He's over there. Oh, God, what can I do? I got to shoot myself in front of her, of course. That will make everything

better. Well, she's going to discover the sex and murder that he committed. She's going to fucking discover it anyway. Kill her. Oh, my lord. Because if you're so fucking concerned about, oh, Mavis is going to see this

and Mavis is going to see that. Is it J. Leno now? A perfect murder I'm gonna put a pillow over your face now No my move would be you go Oh uh You say something really nice to your wife Well I'm gonna go out and get a

Get us a nice big steak I'll talk to you Hey you know what I love you so much And no matter what happens And then you go out You go to the shed and cabloom And you know what don't check the savings accounts For a little bit

Just just invade them if you can I think there were multiple faxes coming in It was like Marty McFly being fired It was like every fucking machine for somebody's got a fax machine at every room in the house i think she was going to see it in a minute like she was about to see it either vanish or yes go like drive to a park yes put a pillow over your face and shoot the pillow sure like do a classy DC suicide or or that guy at the beginning of the net who that's what i was thinking of who one person told him he has AIDS so

gotta kill yourself man that is a jumping the gun suicide seriously magic Johnson's like dude calm down. You're a senator. You make more than me. Give it time. Yeah, so it's like now we know what the deal is. There was another at HIV.

I know. I know. I know. Yeah, yeah. You got to snipe the tweets out, man. You got to get it to you. Eric set the board again. Oh, my God. Oh, we need a new precog to sense all the tweets.

We, after this hilarious suicide scene, we go back to the tower for one last office visit to fucking finish this off. There is a guy, and this actually fits in our Snipesgiving theme

because it's actually this isn't really a Wesley Snipes movie except for this one thing, which is it always happens. The villain that is racist to Wesley Snipes always gets it the worst. That always happens. One guy goes out of his way

to be little racist to Wesley Snipes and rightfully so, he always gets it the worst. It's like the guy in Passenger 57 using the N-word for no reason. Exactly. There's this like underlacky. He's a white guy who works with Mako and like he basically like asks like Wesley Snipes to park his car at some point. He's like wrong fucking century man, which is like a great line. It's a great Wesley Snipes line. Wrong guy. Wrong fucking century. Yes, that's what it is. And, um, but he's revealed to be a weasel and like he's just always around being a weasley little lawyer. Right. And that's where we're going right now. So they go to this, you know, this meeting room. Mako is in a row. Crazy Joe DeVola and this other guy interrupted again trying to make this

fucking business deal happen and Connery's like, you know, one second we gotta watch this tape. A fucking fourth time. Have you ever seen the movie Kids? What do you think if it was a 60-year-old man playing a kid?

Oh no, Casper. Don't do it, man. Casper. She's asleep, your asshole. Is anybody buying this or what? Looks like a mistake. All right, Ladder,

you can re-film the movie with actual Kedge. We tried. Tried our best. Reshoots. I'm not too proud to admit when I fucking failed. You got Eric Stoltz out of that movie.

Oh, yeah, so they're like, hey, look at this tape, and the winner is Weasily White Racist guy, to which this dude runs out of the office room. I was expecting a Robocop board room. Like, he's going out the window. Sure.

That's in the book. Is it really? I'm almost positive in the book. You've been reading the book? Well, no, I watched. Chris Cabin loves Michael Crichton. No, I was more of a James Patterson man in my youth, actually. But Michael Crichton, I think, I read the Wikipedia, and I'm almost positive. That's how he kills himself in the book.

Oh, he commits suicide? Yeah. I think he runs out. No, Ed 209? No. that's the next movie that's Rising Sun 2 more racist

and the business deal is just like well and the business deal is complete here's your huge killer robot dude if this whole thing was about a killer robot and not microchips that would be awesome I mean you got a character named John Connor exactly oh shit

yeah shent from the future so this dude makes run for it and they're chasing after him and then like they get stopped by a bunch of Yakuza, here's the surprise Wesley Snipes Marshall Arding. Two hours into the movie we finally get what I'm paying for. Yep. Oh man, what a real bummer.

And it's brief and no one dies. No. Well, except this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no one in the martial arting. No, yeah. They were just trying to delay us. Right. Sean Connolly's like, they're trying to stop the credits from coming. Because it comes to nothing. And yeah, he literally says they're just trying to slow us down.

So then they get to where, you know, the site of the new murderer, which is just they threw this guy into this wet cement. The yakuza assassinates this dude. It is vat of cement and he's like going to drown in there. And then like Wesley Snipes is like, well, we got to go like get him out of there. And Sean Connery says no. He's like, no, he's finished. He says he's finished.

His head is sticking out. What are you talking? No, no, it'll dry fast. Don't worry. By the time they get here, it's all over. Are you fucking kidding me? Conroy, listen, Connery kind of has a point with all. No, he does not.

He's a cop. He should be fucking trying to preserve life. Well, first of all, clearly he's a bad cop. But second of all, this dude is sinking like a stone. And it's kind of awesome because he's like, not only, you know, are we not going to get this dude in time? He's like, well, they're also not going to dig up that foundation. And then he says something about like, everybody just wants this behind them. So this dude.

He doesn't want to fuck with the yakuza. It's like the end of snake eyes. Like, this dude is just in the fucking concrete of this building. like you don't even see him fall and I'm like come on Philip Kaufman give me something yeah I need to see the I need to see this guy get pushed get a stuntman going well that's the one thing they definitely should

you should see like some like they should have made it clear that they cut his throat because if you just throw somebody into wet cement it's not guarantee he's going to die that wasn't like a crazy fall no no that's actually a good point cabin like this dude could kind of try to swim like he's not flailing around that dude

is like eyes open just sinking I think there's a secret like sword through the spine or something, you can see. It's him and lips manless in there. Big boy, not the bear. Big boy not to bear. Oh, man, that would be awesome.

But yeah, you get this blood-curdling scream off-screen and this dude sings and Sean Connery sort of shoulder shrugs about it. And that's it. That's like the end of this case. Like this dude is just dead. Connery's like, well, better hit the links. Got a golf practice.

He goes, he, uh, Connery gets in a car with Mako and Wesley Snipes drives Tia Carrere home on the ride you find out whoops, Sean Connery's been having sex with Tia Carrera the whole time which is like whatever. And

the fun, this is when A, as, because Wesley Snipes has not taken, he's not he's really trying hard to make it with Tia Carrere. Even to the point where she leaves the car and he's trying to touch her hair. Yeah. Top 10 creep move, man.

The whole thing is creepy because as he's putting together like oh when I picked up Sean Connery at the beginning of this adventure I saw a hand slowly closed the door yeah you talked about your like Guyjin that you were sleeping with in Japan yeah oh and he's like putting it together and then it's like well

how about some fucking yeah and she's like no I just remember because I told you I fucking live with this guy and he even says something about like oh no well he's golfing right now like that's going to take a while and she's like yeah but no I'm fucking Viagra's man

of the year, man. But then, dudes, did you notice the end of this movie is she leaves the door ajar? Yeah, oh, right. Yeah, you don't know what the, well, the end of this movie has so many, like, open threads because it's interesting, question mark, not at all, because it's like, no. She leaves the door a jar, do they have sex? She also opens the door for like, well, you know, it probably actually wasn't even that Weasley lawyer.

They just wanted to, like, wrap this up easily and, like, fool you. Oh, is there kind of a sequel set up there? No, really, it's just like, oh, what you saw didn't even happen, so why the fuck did you show up? All this movie was bullshit. That's exactly what you. I'll tell you who strangled and had sex and murdered that young lady. It was you, the viewer.

It's an anarchy movie. I like it. Yeah. Oh, what a twist. Or it was Bob. Oh, yeah, maybe. Right? They were just pinning it on Leland Palmer. Oh, fuck, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Possessed by a demon he was. And then Sean Connery punched

Bob out and Bob the ball was flying around anyway totally anybody noticed that this movie I mean everyone

had to Sean Conner he's not in the last scene but I'm sure like at some point he's in the editing basic

hold on I don't have the last fucking word in my own rising shun yeah so they fixed that

and the last line is just it's an ADR of Sean Conner that's good Kohai yeah goodbye America

Have fun fucking my girlfriend while I'm golfing As all exec producers get to do Did you get rid of my whole sex scene with Tia Carvan? Oh God, man You bastard We filmed it for five days I'm calling Philip, that's it I'm gonna call him and he's going to hear it

Someone else dipped nipples in sake Sean Everyone in the audience The two test audiences everyone threw up Every, 71 people between two test audiences and literally everyone threw up. After the second test audience vomiting session, the theater kindly asked us if we were planning a third one to use a different theater. Okay, then we can bring it down to nine thrusts. Oh, God.

Nine thrust. Sean Connery stars in nine thrusts. It's like nine songs, man. It's all unsimulated. Nine and a half. oh fuck man uh that's it would anybody recommend this movie i would not and i also want to posit something else for snipes month uh for snipsgiving month i apologize yeah i would not recommend this is too it's long it's too boring there's no good action there's not enough good

snipes and i would give this a two out of ten on the snipes meter i mean this is this is a good good thing for this month it's a snipe's or or what dish on the table and thanksgiving would this Oh, that's, oh. So much better. So great. Okay. So much better. Now I've got to think about this. This would be the, this isn't, this is like the dinner rolls, but the ones that somebody else bought. Like, not even the ones that your mom made. In the bag. Yeah, exactly. So they're just tearing up fucking like. It's not even having the common courtesy to buy the Pillsbury fucking Crescent rolls. This is store bought stale shit. Yeah. I think we got it. I think that would be it. Maybe a bagged iceberg lettuce salad I think that's also there It's just the head It's not even cut up yet

It's like you're bringing you work to do Well because it's deceptive right Like he's on the poster It's like Connery Snipes Yes To that end I think it's like your aunt's stale ass stuffing On the outside you're like It's fucking stuffing look at it

And then you're eating it And you're like this is disappointing Well I mean this is a huge year This year is Demolition Man, what came out this year. Oh, right. This is 93. This is this boiling point, which also may be a stay tuned for post- What the fuck is boiling point?

That's him with Dennis Hopper. Oh, really? Good gracious. Evil Dennis Hopper. It is something else. And Sugar Hill. Oh, really? Yeah, so this is a pretty big, I mean...

And this is after White Men Can Jump. That was last year. This is like, we need to get this guy in movies. This guy is a fucking star. What year was Jungle Fever? That was 91. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, he's like... He's on fire right. He's on fire right now. Whereas Connery, this is post-medicine man.

Oh, man. I found the fucking cure for catcher. And I don't remember what I fucking push it. One of the funniest... Oh, my God. What a professional flub for that doctor. It's a good movie about Alzheimer's. It's pre-rock, which is that's where he kind of bounces back. Brief bounce back. So, by the way, I would not recommend this movie. No.

boring, convoluted, it's a mess. And racist, yeah, sure. Yeah. Will it sound shitty if I say that I'm going to recommend this movie? No. If only because, I mean, one, it's Wesley Snipes, so it's kind of hard not to, even though he's barely in it. But also, this is like a great A perfect hangover movie because it doesn't make any sense

anyway, so there's nothing to follow when you feel like garbage. That's true. So you just kind of wake up, you're like, oh, yeah, there's Wesley Snipes. And Sean Connery said something mildly offensive. And then you kind of, like, fall back asleep. it's pretty quiet too you can definitely have that on the shades are drawn

I mean TNT will fucking stretch this shit out till three and a half hours I will argue against that because there's no like other than don't you fuck with me other than that other than that there are no peaks to look forward to

in this there's no like with most hangover movies there's like little scenes they're like oh that's gonna be good that's gonna be fun we didn't mention it but there's a great scene where Sean Connery is having

tea with Maku. And it's like duck soup. It's like they're both doing the exact same movement. That's right. It's so fucking dumb. It says like, look how good at being Japanese I am. It's like I'm one of them. Dude, at least it's not like

whatever that Bonflick is where he is Japanified at the end of it. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's like, I'm the executive producer. No, call up those people. I want that effect. I think it's you only live twice. John Rain at Smirsch

Maybe correct me on that But it's the end of the movie It's like how is Bond gonna hide from all these dudes Let's just make him Japanese And he gets like surgery Oh Lord it's stupid Yeah so I don't know That's where I stand on this

It's a light recommend due to hangover movie But Cabin you say otherwise? I say nope Leave it Do not watch this It's two hours of nothing Yeah don't avoid this at all costs.

129 minutes of nothing. That's Rising Sun from 93, directed by Philip Kaufman, the first of our Snipesgiving selections. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM Podcast.com or find us over at HeadGum. Like us on Facebook, follows on Twitter, of course. We're at WHM Podcast,

right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Catch us at the Bell House in Brooklyn, November the 18th Talking Blade Trinity, part of our Snipesgiving celebration, The Bellhouse, The Bellhouse, N.Y.com for those tickets. Next week, Snipesgiving continues

with, what is it? It's another Wesley Snipes squaring off with an older white actor. It's the fan. Oh, fuck. And the shit will hit it, my friend. Oh, absolutely. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Chris Cabin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Sisko. Take it easy. That was a headgum podcast.