We Hate Movies - S8 Ep329: Episode 329 - Hard to Kill

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

On this week's episode, the guys discuss the best (?) Steven Seagal movie, Hard to Kill! Why is Mason Storm—great name by the way—so obsessed with getting home to watch the Oscars? Who secretly films the Mafia using a gigantic shotgun mic? And what's the situation with giving Seagal a sponge bath while he's in the hospital? PLUS: A magic cat that performs medical miracles becomes the best sidekick on the couch that Carson ever had! Hard to Kill stars Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler, and Frederick Coffin; directed by Bruce Malmuth. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On today's program, it's possibly the best Steven Segal movie of all time. It's Hard to Kill. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always, like we said up top. It's Hard to Kill from 1990 directed by Bruce Malmuth.

Do you mind if I go inside baseball for two seconds here? With Bruce Malmuth? No, with you mispronounced the title at first. I did. I cut it out at this point. No, I know, but I want to let everyone know because I've been doing that for weeks. The hard target, hard to kill. Hard to kill Mark for death, I've been saying.

No. That's way off. I know that. I've been saying Jurassic Park. Because all of these things are a big black nothing of like Steven Seagall punches people in a blackjack. So who would Steven Zagall play in Jurassic Park? The Dolophosaurus. Because I like spitting on people.

No, I think. He likes degrading people. I mean, Ian Malcolm is dressed like. Stephen Seagall anyway. That is true. Stephen Seagal in this movie or just like Steven Seagal overall? In all movie or in his in his heyday. Right, like the leather jacket thing. You know, how about this?

Jurassic Park, Stephen Seagall in every role. It's a one-man show. Okay. Welcome to my park. See, nobody can. Yeah, exactly. This, of course, is the movie where Stephen Seagal plays Mason's Storm, one of the best-named and truest at heart police officers, movies, cinema history has ever offered us, movie cinema.

His cinema history has ever offered us. Wait, what are you saying right now? That it's, what were you saying about the name? I'm saying that Mason Storm is like a grade A amazing person. He's a hero. He's a goddamn hero cop. He is, dude. He's a total goddamn hero cop.

and he gets the shaft. But one thing I want to say up front... Richard Rancher. We start this movie with a film by... No, sir. This is a movie. This is a grade A movie. Directed by... No, no, no. Movie by...

Movie, that's... Right? Yeah. That's what we need to do. Action crime thriller by... Bruce Malmuth. Who Steven Seagal hated, supposedly? Oh, that's a big surprise.

We should get it out of the... the way that Stephen Seagal is one of the worst people to ever live. Yes. Like, full stop, period. Like, we're going through all the Weinstein stuff, and we're going through all the Charlie Rose stuff, and by the time this airs, like, 17 more scumbags, but Seagal is the granddaddy of the mall. We're talking sex dungeons.

We're talking sex dungeons, human trafficking. Portia de Rossi just had another story about him not so long ago. Was she in a movie with him? Maybe she wasn't. She auditioned or something, and it was like one of those things where, you know what. Yeah. He's like, hey, we need to have good chemistry. And it's like, oh, is Steven Segal?

So fuck that guy. Also, he's like, is he not technically considered an enemy of the state at this point? What is he doing over there? I think he's got Russian citizenship. He's got the passport. And he calls, what was it? Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin.

You guys have been doing this for weeks. Is that some clip? Yeah, some clip he's doing an interview with somebody and he has a very fun way. to pronounce Putin's name or Putin's name. I'm sure it's closer to the actual pronunciation, but also who cares? Also, do you think he has like Thanksgiving dinner at Edward Snowden's house?

I don't think he celebrates Thanksgiving at all. Yeah, but I mean, you gotta do something for the holiday, right? Do you think Benedict Arnold celebrated Thanksgiving back in England once he was in exile or whatever? When did we start actually doing like every third Thursday it's Thanksgiving? I think like 1975.

Like a TV holiday. Someone was saying, I think my wife was saying, actually, she'd heard something about, like, that was like Lincoln's doing. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah, I don't know. Lincoln must pardon in turkeys. But I'm just saying, it's like, hey, Ed, I know you got nothing to do.

I got nothing to do. I mean, we're here with, we're just a couple of strangers in Russia. And I love to eat. Oh, no, thank you. Hey, Stephen, could you lose this number, please? Lose this number. I don't often, I mean, I do often. please lose my number because I'm in exile

but please Stephen specifically you lose my number. I'll lose my own number like every week or so I think this is the best Steven Segal movie. Really? I do I forgot how much I fucking love this movie. It kicks ass

so I mean we need to listen. You know what? It kicks ass it kicks butt and and it rules. Again we said he's a piece of shit but but, you know, with a piece of art like this. I mean, the artist, oh, what a dastard. Yes.

This art, I mean, this is like grade A, you know, snapping arms. This is like the movies that Homer Simpson is always watching on like a Saturday afternoon. Yes. Like this is the, like the fodder for all the action movie jokes that The Simpsons always made. We do need to stop and say a special, this episode has been sponsored. right he's been sponsored we said this from time to time we have these we used to have a patron tier

wherein you could sponsor an episode this is one of the last of those by not only a patron of the show but a friend of the show Philippe Sobrero and you know if you enjoy all of a lot of the show art that you see floating around

including most recently the rad snipes giving graphic that's Philipp's work so this episode's for you buddy and you know Here's the joke that I feel like a film critic made in the 1990s. Hard to kill. More like hard to watch. And you know what?

That critic is wrong. They would be very wrong. This is like, I mean, it's got everything, dude. To Eric's point, it's got breaking arms. It's got fucking ridiculous electric guitar score. It's got sex. It's got, you know, karate fighting. I have a working theory that every Segal movie from the late 80s and early 90s were scripts that Sylvesterl and physically

wiped his ass with and then like hey sly you want to do this cool action movie he's like I don't do cops no mores or whatever and I'm like she's like yeah I'll pick cops

I love cops yeah that's why the name is Mason's Storm it was like Storm scas or something and there was like a piece of shit

on every single page because he did like Dingleberry Stallone did like a 52 pickup in his ass shuffled the deck and threw it up there

yeah I left a dingleberry on every page ass boogers Hey sly you sure really gave that that sgal that upstart your ass boogers

I really enjoy how you do that man You're crazy dude You're crazy You're nuts This guy right here He likes to have fun He is so crazy Now give me the ass boogers

I'll take your ass boogers Because there's an upper classman thing of Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Sure. And then, like, Willis is kind of there. But everybody already hates him. Willis is a junior. And then, like, a sophomore is like J.CVD. Yep. And I guess, I guess, uh, Seagall,

do you think he's a fucking freshman? He's kind of fucking freshman. Is he, though? I mean, this is in 1990. He had movies in the 80s, didn't he? Probably, yes. Like, I want to say, like, 87, 88. So, like, yeah, maybe like that's, but that's kind of it. and like he's at the bottom he was always at the bottom of the barrel

like you would always and I liked Segal growing up I loved under siege I watched like Schwarzenegger and Seagal I watched more than Stallone or probably even and probably even Van Dan

yeah because like I mean Stallone was always like almost doing this movie but then he wouldn't because he was so much of an artiste so Steve you're actually right this is only his second film

or was it above the law above the law was 88 which is also very good This, and then marked for death in the same year. And the same year? Yeah, both in 1990. Then 91 out for justice, 92, under siege, 94 on deadly ground. Okay, see, that's, there you go.

That's the end. You go above the law to under siege, and you're done. And he can stop existing. You're totally right, because then it's, like I said, on deadly ground, under siege two, executive decision, glimmer man. apparently he played himself on an episode of Roseanne. That is awesome.

Fire down below the Patriot, not the Mel Gibson movie. I just feel like seven of those are episodes. It's amazing. Oh, sure. They're probably all episodes. And then the first of, this is actually, 2001 was a crucial year for Steven Seagall.

He did the World Trade Center attack. That's right. And it was his first time co-starring in a film with a rapper because 2001 was him in DMX with exit wounds. Oh, nice. What do you think the onset chemistry was like? Strained.

Well, he's also a notorious asshole. Like, literally, like, everyone hates his guts. He was banned from Saturday Night Live. He hosted Saturday Live once. He was, like, the only host ever to. Everyone's like, never let that guy come back. That's not the only dude that that's happened to. Oh, really?

Who else? Right. Elvis Costello. Was he about that? No, no. You got banned from S&L because I think he was supposed to like play radio radio or something

but then he played something that was more like subversive that Lauren did not want to hear Oh wow Like he played a different song He changed the song Yeah we won't be doing that This legendary musician

Will never return I forget there's another dude Who's like infamously banned Okay From S&L Saddam Hussein He was a one and done You know if Trump can host man

Yeah I think Saddam would be a better host I also think he might be a better president So we open it's 1983 Right Very specifically in 1983 Right And Segal is taking a weird camera out of his

Out of his car And it's like you know it's late at night It's a dock and like to your point This is like a McBain movie Like it's just action movie action movie action movie action movie. So you know almost exactly what's happening before it happened. Sure. He's on a doc. There's some shady deal with some guy named... Mendoza. Or like Vizelli or Giancar. Just some Italian is courting some guy and like the guy is like ordering a hit, you know? Right. But Steven Zagal has this

massive camcorder with this huge shotgun mic on it. Like, dude, you're clearly visible. It's amazing how incompetent this is. I was like, is you like a private eye? Is like somebody cheating on somebody? That's the kind of people that have these cameras because they're not going to be murdered by the mafia if they get caught with it. That should be an action movie plot line

where they're just a private investigator like watching people fuck. Yeah. You know, and like fuck watchers. Can it be called fuck watchers? Right, exactly. Fuck watchers, sorry, Stephen Seagall. Oh, gross.

First of all, once he's done playing with himself, he sees you know like something goes wrong in the sex right you know there's like a murder or someone gets carotined right exactly exactly like the stuff that they don't want to put in the newspaper sure right and then he used to go investigate this right

yeah like sniffing around the motel room uh huh and uh I don't know with a black light yes sniffing around the motel room with a black light and then you used to test all the DNA of the come in the entire room you're you're close to a green light for me Is there a Jamaican gang involved in any of this?

There is now. Sold. Got that movie. That's marked for death, I believe. Marked for death, yes, I believe. Which is a fault. You said it's the same year. Somehow.

Out for justice is the one with, what, foresight. Isn't that above the law? No, I think that's... Above the law is where he's playing the Greek guy. He's like, Nico, whatever the fuck. Right. Oh, God, who's that guy's name? I think he...

The guy in that, the older gentleman, he devastates his body. I think it's like Henry Sevelia or something. Oh, oh, yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. Which is the one where he pulls, is it? William Forsyth pulls the old man in the car. I think that is out for justice. I don't think I've ever seen that one.

So he is, it's William Sadler on a dock. The sad man, dude, again playing a crooked piece of shit. A little more William Sadler would be necessary in this film for me. in your fuck watchers film or in the film we're talking about in the film we're talking about currently honestly either yeah yeah yeah yeah you can get that William sadler will do nudity oh we know that we do know that and he's like he's got this huge camera and like you know the guys like I want it to happen tomorrow and his his little catchphrase is you can take that to the bank yeah it's it's it's this movie's I'll buy that for a dollar it's the load and Sigala's this enormous

camera's like come on step out of the shadows I'm trying to to see you guys. He is 10 feet away from these people. They're like, who is whispering over there? Well, then he fucks up because he starts, like, clanging, like, the lens cap against, like, the structure he's hiding behind. And I couldn't tell if it was actually a fuck up or if he's, like, luring the mafia over so that he can also just murder them.

Hey, could you guys, could you step into the light, please? Yeah. I'm getting a bad shot back here. Oh, man, Steven Seagall and Ghost. Yes. Step into the light. Come on. Man, if Stephen Seagal was my option when stepping into the light, I would go straight to hell.

No, it's, it's, it's entirely ghost. It's regular ghost the entire time. Oh, regular ghosts. When Patrick Swayze gets on the train, instead of Vincent Chavelle, it's Stephen Seagall, and he's like, get off my train. And like, they're doing like craziest slapbox fighting. That would be cool. You think you're a tough guy? See what you got, tough guy?

And then it'll be awesome. You think a tough ghost? The train, he's on like the A train or something. it pulls into like 59th Street and the ghost is like oh right above this stuff they have a great hot dog stand see you later Patrick Swayze

he gets stuck in the roof for a little bit and then he turns into slimer yeah dude a ghost Stevenson's gall gargling hot dogs out of his mouth yes this is the movie that I want hey by the way this movie also made history because I guess

that's not true even though it's only his second film in Above the Law, as far as the Tribune is telling me, and I'm looking for video or photographic evidence here, yes, this is the first film where the ponytail appears. Oh, wow. Above the law, he's tailless. That thing, it's, it's, it's disgusting. It's totally, I kind of like looking at it at the same time. Dude, it's a grease tail, man. He's got greasily hair in this movie. Do you like oils it up what do you think oh it's like he's like slicking like pork fat on that thing or something

there's hairspray involved definitely hairspray it's the 90s yep and it's just disgusting looking we're also missing the crucial first line of this movie it's like come on hurry up guys i gotta watch the oscar oh yeah don't you want to get home to watch the oscars he says this all this this this entire night i wish this entire movie was one of those one crazy nights yes yes because then the whole time he's just like ah who won the academy award because he goes to a liquor store after this and he's like, why don't you have the Oscars are?

Here's the tip, right? We should try this. So the Oscars in 2018 are on like March 5th or something, I think. That day, okay, and everybody should try this, right? Film the mafia at the docks. They will be on the docks,

just go to the dock. The night of the Oscars eavesdrop on the mafia. It's a great idea. No, no, no. Go to a store like right before the ceremony is going to start. And ceremony, Jesus, I guess so. Yes, that's the word they use. I just like, you know, like wedding ceremony.

But so before the broadcast starts, like maybe an hour before, right? Go to a store and be like, why are you here right now? And the person will be like, what, I'm working. And then you'd be like, why aren't you going to get home and watch the Oscars? See how, do it a couple times. See how many people tell you to straight up go fuck yourself to your friends. Some people have definitely done that before I feel, right? I think that's a cool way to do like a we hate movie census.

You know what I mean? Go out and bother service workers. But collect the data. Like what answers do you get? Exactly. And from whom? Yeah. And to prove us right,

they'll have to tell you to fuck off. Like how many fuck off do you get? How many just like what's your order, sir? Do you get like a total shutdown? Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. It's like they totally ignore everything you just ask them.

Right. And then also like annoying small talk. Right. Oh, like, oh, I didn't know it was tonight. Oh. Who do you think is going to win? Yeah, I hope Zander Berkeley gets it.

For some reason, that was the first name that popped in. Is he in that three billboards movie? I haven't seen it yet. I think it's going to be a race between Gary Oldman for Darkest Hour, Sam Rockwell for three billboards, but then also

Zander Berkeley for three billboards. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the three. Yeah, and the front runners. Don't forget, Christopher Blummer as the CGI man. Oh, right. Oh, my God, what if, what, that's...

John Paul Getty or whatever that dude's name is. As we've already told everybody, Stephen Seagall's the world's greatest monster, what if it gets so bad that they have to put Christopher Plummer back in all of his movies? Holy shit. They excise Segal out, and they put Plummer in. Sounds like I'm re-buying a bunch of DVDs.

Holy fuck. We don't make this so much better. It would be awesome, too. He's got like an old man ponytail. Yes, exactly. So then, okay, so in the plot of this movie, movie if you didn't know yet, if you got annoyed with this podcast and just looked it up, Steven Seagall eventually goes into a coma and wakes up seven years later. So in this Christopher Plummer scenario, he would go into a coma and then be dead. Or like a Jason in the Argonauts skeleton comes up.

Well, at least how about this, though, for this one, dude. So in 83, like the first 10 minutes of this movie, you leave Seagall in. Oh, I see. And then he goes into this coma and it says seven years later and it cuts to cuts. to him in a bed cuts to Christopher Plummer in this bed

and he's just got a huge beard and huge long hair but he's also an 85 year old man Well no you just put a zero at the end of that seven

now you got something now you got a movie so yeah he he makes a big noise the mafia comes what you call there William Sadler's reveal I thought this doc was clean

I thought this public space was clean I love that logic And then he fights one henchman and then drives away. Classic neck break from Segal right as the guitar kicks in. Does he kill that guy? He fucking breaks that dude's neck. I'm pretty sure. I didn't know he were breaking neck quite so early, but you're probably right.

I thought he broke a neck in the alcohol store. Does he won't, he's definitely killing people there. But at the docks, I thought he broke that dude's neck. Maybe he just choked him out. He might have. I mean, this is a feral animal, this character. So he gets in a car And he calls his partner

It has like two lines in the movie Yeah Which is ridiculous He just later He just later gets killed Yeah Yeah And he's like the only African American

In the entire movie Or actually no two There's a lady in this movie Who's fantastic We're gonna get to But this the partner's name is Becker Mm And he's like

Great show Great show Great Ted Danson Can we not talk about Becker For 20 minutes This episode Is it possible and he's like hey becca get on a secure line i gotta tell you something about the diner you hang out in

and he just tells this dude's like look man uh i got this fucking senator on tape this dude's going down he's like the fucking crazy thing is what william sadler wants the mafia to do oh my god yeah is engineer a plane crash for his like incumbent rival in the senate so that saddlers guaranteed the seat And even the mafia, as he's like, I thought this doc was clean. Get this. Get that guy. They're like, right away, assemblyman. Oh, hi. Really quickly, don't call me assemblyman on the dog.

It's an honorific. I appreciate it. Any other, on the stump, on the campaign trail, if you see me in public, definitely. When I'm telling you to kill somebody, you can leave that off. I'm just Fred. Because Fred's not even my first name. It's just a fake name that you would call me in case anyone is listening right now. What with me being a cricket policy?

politician. So he calls this dude. He gives him the deal. You have like a half second cut of like these other crooked cops like listening in on the conversation. It's a real blink and you miss it. But that's how this whole thing starts because these like scumbag cops. The conspiracy in this movie is so large reaching. It goes all the way to the top. But I think it's very believable in my opinion. I mean, I could see this happen. Yeah. This is definitely happened. Maybe not this engineering the plane crash part. That's a little bit. Why don't you. Hot this guy's brakes. I don't know. I think it's happened. You think so? You think the mafia could engineer a plane crash? I think they took down John F. Jr. John F. Kennedy Jr.

They took out the whole Kennedy clan, right? They took out Buddy Holly, the big bopper. They did. They did. Someone put a hit out on music? The day the music did. So he goes, he's like, all right, I've done my job for the night.

You know, I do want to see the Oscars, but I also have a pretty lady at home. I've got to treat her right. So I'm going to stop off for some champagne. At the scusiest liquor store you've ever seen. And this is where it costs the guy about like, why don't you have the Oscars on the TV? Right.

And we just looked it up before we started recording. And I totally understand why he wanted to see the Oscars this year. Right. I mean, not only was Gandhi nominated, but it was hosted by four hosts. Wow, that's fucking crazy. According to Wikipedia right now, and it looks like there's a YouTube clip that confirms this.

I have not watched the video tape. All right. But hosted by Liza Minnelli. Whoa. Dudley Moore. Stop right there. That's it. That's what you need.

Richard Pryor. What? And Walter Mathau. I'm so excited to be here at the whatever the fuck year it is Academy Awards. I think I maybe was almost nominated for hopscotch or something. I don't know. Oh, man. Now, this is television.

See, you should have had the Oscars on. You saw, You saw the clip of Walter Matt, though, on entertainment tonight the next day? The fucking liquor store dude's like, why do I have to watch movies? I got all the entertainment I need right here. And he's, like, pointing to all his different security monitors.

And he's like, those are the movie cameras. It's weird, though, because I'm like, what is going on in this store? Because he's pointing and he's like, murder, robbery, sex. I was like, is somebody? Does he say that? Yeah. And I was like, is someone fucking in this liquor store?

What a gross place to fuck, by the way. It's a gross liquor store. It's enormous, and it is filled with a little bit of alcohol, but mostly free to allay products. Yeah. It's mostly based in free to lay products. And this Latino gang comes in with a shotgun drawn. I'm like, hey, motherfucker, you remember us? It's like apparently a history here.

The guy, like the bar or bartender, the liquor store attendant is like, oh, not again. Like, how many times have you been robbed by these dudes? It's old Detroit all of a sudden. You know what I mean? Like, out of nowhere, it's old Detroit. And, like, Segal just watch. Luckily, thankfully, he doesn't, like, insert himself immediately. No.

He does wait for this guy to get murdered. This is ridiculous, though, because, like, the liquor store owner is just like, ah, man, where the cops when you need him? And Mason Storm, top cop. Yep. Stands there with his lips butt. I don't know. Where could they be? This guy's murdered right in front of him, and it takes him, like, even after that, it takes him a few beats before he does anything.

Because he's probably like, oh, shit. I called my wife before this, and I heard who won Best Supporting Actor. Well, if I, maybe if I just let this liquor store robbery happen real quick and clean, I can get out for best actress. I think that's the thing. He's concerned that this whole to-do is going to take too long. And he's like, yeah, like, if I just button up, let these dudes rob the place. I'll just pretend nothing happened. And I can get home for most of the ceremony.

But the guy starts mouthing off about something and they shoot him right in the heart. You know what I mean? Like, that's just going to happen. Right in the heart. And Seagal does actually instruct this dude to call 9-1-1. Yeah. Like, right, he, here's the thing with Seagal. He doesn't even see a gun yet. He sees four dudes who are not white walking into this liquor store simultaneously. And he's like, hey, other white guy, call 911 immediately. Dial-white 911 now. Yeah. And when I say, not dial one again. And then he proceeds to dispatch these dudes one at a time. He beats them up, but the best part is the last guy who's got a nine. knife and like it's the things that gall does in every movie it's the belligerent guy in a bar move where it's just like come on man you want to hit me right you want to hit me you want to hit me so bad no you want to kill me you want to take my life all right you're not gonna do a big tough guy the knife's too much i'm gonna get on my knees oh jesus he does the same thing in uh on deadly ground yeah at like

whatever the fucking roadie bar is or whatever come on mr big man with the big balls yes yes that's right uh yeah so he just fucking takes care of all these dudes I don't think he's, is he killing people here? Is he just beating everybody up? I think he's killing people. I think there was, I think there was a neck snap. Was this where he broke someone's arm too? There's a classic, there's a lot of like arm contortion in this.

Oh, no, that's what it is. In the beginning, he doesn't break the guy's neck. He breaks the guy's arm because later in the movie, that guy reveals his weird arm problem. And he's, oh, I remember you. Right, right, right, right, right. so then he dispatches these guys the cop for some reason

it's like wow you did it again Storm thanks so much you know what you deserve the Oscar is that what he says it's something like that and I was like man all this talk of the Oscars do you think this is the closest Steven Zagal has been forget nominated just attending the Oscars

I think that's what he's trying to do get some like you know get some feelers out there right he's like advertising it in his movie like I mean At any point, do you think Steven Seagal has attended the Academy Awards? I don't know. I would like to hope so. Not that, like, he deserves it, but, like.

I think maybe the year of Under Siege, because that's what he was, like, legit. That's when he, that was, like, a legit movie, Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah, exactly. So, like, I mean, it's not, you know, there wasn't any buzz about that movie, but, like, you can have him there conceivably. Maybe he has, like, a stern presentation joke kind of a thing. I actually just looked at my notes, and one of the awesome things he does to the last. dude in the gang. Remember, he flips his fucking foot all the way around. Right. He super

breaks that dude's ankle. And it's just like, yeah, that's why I don't want to fight you, Steven Seagal. Like, that's why I didn't want to fight you to begin with. But you're like, you, you, you, you conned me here. You conned me into fighting you in this liquor store. I was robbing. I could tell you're a fifth degree black belt, dude. I know that. Uh, so yeah, this dude says to him, like, looks like you on the ask of a night storm. Cut to him driving in the car. And There's, like, sexophony, smooth jazz porno music playing, and you're like, yeah, this dude knows what's up. And then he ejects a cassette tape from the deck in the car, and that's the music that

he's supposed to be listening to. Well, he's getting ready for it, man. I get, I mean, Jesus, dude, you've got to listen to fuck tunes in the car alone on your commute home. Well, maybe, you know, he's got that video recorder, maybe fuck watchers. Well, it's awesome, though. So he does take that tape out and inserts another tape. And then he's just listening to the audio that he just recorded.

So he's like, oh, right, I'm hard as a rock with all this saxophone music. Now I'm going to put in the main event, me recording the mafia. Oh, yeah. This is the first podcast. Oh, of Fuck Watchers? Well, no, no. Like, Stephen Seagall's character records the mafia talking. And it was such a good convo.

Let's listen to it in the car while I'm commuting. it's a podcast I would love a mafia podcast How about yeah How about a podcast That's entirely Just Recordings of mafia dealings

That no one knows about I'm sure it's out there dude Like like no hosting No anything It's just straight up Oh Audio recordings of the mafia Committing crimes

And no one knows who's putting the podcast out Oh fuck yeah dude That's pretty great Look this is a podcast thriller This could be the movie Well, it's that and there's no context whatsoever So you're just putting live audio on the air Every week you don't know what you're going to get

And this sort of thing reveals itself through the conversation And then it'll be the only time a podcaster was ever important Because then the mafia You cut to the mafia and they'll be like We gotta get this podcaster Oh yeah dude yeah he's public enemy podcaster number one Oh my god it's Seagall this is the new Seagal movie It's just like I'm fat now so I do podcasting

He would pass on that project he doesn't know what a podcast is. Instead of breaking necks, I'm breaking chairs. Hey, Stephen, your voice is a... You got to get a little closer to the mic there. I'm your producer, Edward Snowden in Russia. I can't believe

we're somehow roommates all of a sudden. Vladimir Putin. Yeah, you know what? I'm just going to turn myself in. Vladimir Putin said that we have to room together, Edward. Yeah, no asylum is worth this. So he gets home and his wife is totally asleep.

This is what's weird. Like she's clearly been sleeping. She wakes up. She's in like a bathrobe. Sure. And, you know, he starts to put the moves on her. She's like half asleep, but she's like, is that champagne? It's like, yeah, let's wake up and drink, baby.

Well, the best part is he does go into his son's room and he does now I lay me down. He wakes the kid up to prick. thing to do. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Like the kids totally asleep and he's like, did you say your prayers yet? I know you're not asleep, you little liar. Has this ever happened? What? Wake up to pray? Yeah. Wake up to die, dude. Did you guys used to pray before bread? Bread. Well, first of all, if you're having a nice meal, it might be nice to thank the Lord for the harvest. But like, do people like really pray before sleeping? Growing up as a Catholic, yes, I did. I did. I faked the fucking funk. But did like a parent come in and be like instruct it?

I think there was like a very, in my house anyway, there's a very loose attempt and my parents, one, my father didn't care. But it was like a attempt on my mother's part that just fell away pretty fast. So he's being a good father here. He's like a God-fearing man. Yeah, sure. And that's kind of like the closest you get to that. It goes away. You find out his father's a missionary later in the movie that it goes nowhere.

Oh, right. Yeah, he does sort of mention that. So he's just sort of like, oh, and the kid's like, he's like, why do you always pray for stuff for yourself? You should pray for things for other people. And he's like, oh, you know, but I want stuff. Yeah, that's what work is for. And it's like shoving him a little bit. I feel like he's not shoving him a little bit, but he's kind of shoveled him a little bit. Hey, I'm reading the pages right here for this scene.

And at no point am I directed to shove this kid. What's up with that? I want to shove this little shit head. Just shove him a little, not even shove. you know, nudge, like a nudge, like a three-finger nudge. So we're saying our prayers, the kid goes back to sleep.

And then for all his talk of being so excited about the Oscars, he decides to have sex with his wife. What's that about? I mean, I think it's over at this point, but you should have taped it. I mean, okay, now Johnny Carson is on the television at this moment.

Oh, right. Which is like, was it right after the Oscars they had Carson on? Like, I guess they do Kimmel sometimes now. Yeah, yeah. So I guess, I guess, because then I was like, wait, did a day go by? Well, at this point, so it's like 1130. Carson is on, right?

So like generally the Oscars are over. Hope you fucking keep your fingers crossed before 1130. But I mean, sometimes they do go over. But yeah, so I guess the point is like Carson being on is telling you he missed the ceremony. But that does not stop him from popping that champagne. Oh, yeah. And what day? So it's Sunday night you're drinking champagne at midnight practically.

Yeah, dude. That's living. His job is to record the mafia and release it as a podcast. So it kind of makes his own hours, I think. Actually, do you think he was just that excited for the Academy Awards that he knew he would be up? Like his original plan was he was going to be up late. Watch the Askas, drinking champagne, and fucking, right, to celebrate the end of the Academy Awards. Okay.

So he purposely took Monday off. Oh, wow. Right? So it's like, well, I'm up. I got the day. day off anyway. Let's pop a bottle of champagne at 11.30 at night. Be hung over. The kid will wake you up. You'll be just a bit bleary eye, but you'll get through the day. So then things kick into high gear when all these crooked cops storm

his house. They got shotguns. They dispatch his wife pretty quickly. He gets shot. I mean, he's like the fucking Terminator. It's insane. Like, he gets shot in the chest with a shotgun and then just start screaming, Motherfucker! And just like yells at this. dude he goes in a fucking beast mode yeah man he's like he he acts in this movie he oh he acts the hell out of this role man are you kidding me uh so yeah the wife was murdered in front of him they're like there's this insane shot of like the like he's cradling his

dead wife he's unconscious what with all the shotgun sure the shotguning uh and it's just this huge white bed with blood all over it yeah it's a your classic woman in refrigerator situation like That's the only reason this woman's in this movie is to die. And then he's like, oh, man, now I've got a cool motivation to do karate. Yeah, not before there's definitely a sex scene. Oh, yeah, exactly. So you get it both ways. Which is exactly what you want.

And by the way, these crooked cops throw a bunch of cocaine around the house too. Like, we'll get him good. So it's like not only you're going to be murdered and your family murdered, but your legacy will be tarnished. Yeah, you'll be totally disgraced on top of it all. That's as you got for Cross and William Sadler. Yeah, I guess that's right. And he also, or the dudes doing the murdering notice that the sun is there, they start, like, trying to shoot this kid with a shotgun. He, like, falls out a window and is presumed dead at this point.

It's kind of weird, like, a shotgun goes off, and you see this kid actor be like, ha! And, like, just pushes himself off with his window sill. It's kind of weird. And then they don't confirm that the kid is dead, and they just get in a van and, like, drive off. Well, does the cops start coming or whatever? Oh, right, right, right. trying to get a little nervous. But yeah, I kind of agree here.

And I haven't seen this movie in a while. I did watch my own DVD copy. Nice. Standard death. Damn right, man. And I forgot what happened here. And I saw the kid, like, you know, jump out the window. But the shotgun, like, happens right that second.

Right. Oh, did they just not want to show a child to be obliterated but with a shotgun to the face? Yeah. And, but then I was like, oh, wait. Maybe he made it out. Right. I guess we'll see Maybe he didn't

Well this would be a great Actually if that's what the movie was Was about this kid And then like he has to fucking Like you know He has to grow up and kill these people eventually That would be pretty cool And like maybe they're both

That's what all kids have to do really Maybe they're both played by Stephen Sagan Maybe this Stephen Sagan dies Oh I like this oh dude Yes And then it's like the cyberpunk future With the sun Walking around on steel grates and shit

He's got a steel pony tail Yeah And everything is blonde Like it's all blonde hair Except for the ponytail You know on account of the acid raids Also at some point While this family is being butchered

We get a quick shot to Becker's Like Bachelor pad And these other dudes like hey Becker And just fucking shoot this dude dead Or not Ted Dancin No the partner Ted Dancin lives through this movie Well the best part of Becker is

I think it's while the first time Seensigal calls him he is actually watching the Oscar so the whole city's got Oscar fever I mean I guess it's LA so maybe but he's watching it's like and best actor Ben Kingsley goes my man oh right

it's like Aquaman and Justice League oh that's right he does say that in that movie he does because of Ben Kingsley winning the Academy Award yeah that's what he's not referencing Batman at all it's literally just like he remembered the Ben Kingsley won from a Gandhi my man oh no Aquaman

was talking about Schindler's list he won for that right i almost yeah i think they swept except let's just say sure why not if not he should have um actually no i think ray finds one for best supporting i think they're up against each other and that's the one ray finds one what was that the english patient year no he won for oh for sure there's list i think so um so we're at the hospital uh character actor frederick coffin walks in he was officer koharski and wainsworld how is this dude not related to George Kennedy. Right.

Or he also reminded me a little bit of Lee Marvin. Yes, big time. It's like those three dudes could be like, well, they're all dead now. Yes. Literally, everyone is. Famously, Frederick Coffin is now in a Coffin. Oh, man, that's correct. I know, you know what?

I wanted him to live forever. I hurt me to say that, but he's dead. He's kind of great in this movie. I want a little bit more of him. He plays a very important role coming up. but like I want a little more of that and so at this point Mason Storm is pronounced dead

in the hospital and this fucking other like scumbag cop is there and he's just like yeah well go figure you know with all that coke he was doing or whatever and Frederick Coffin fucking puts this dude up against a wall

and is basically like if you talk shit about Mason Storm again I will kill your entire bloodline but it's just amazing like you're in the hospital one of your own is fucking been like I mean I guess because I think now he's a dirty cop

or something but like even still he's hanging on a threat his wife is dead his kid is presumed dead you're like fucking cocaine he's like dude could you not like his best friend

is right in front of you exactly and really like at the end of the day dude if that's like your beef with this guy he's just doing coke yeah whatever man I'm glad he's dead

fucking kid toucher yeah well I guess the idea like he was in bed with the mob or something. Oh, the implication that he's crooked. Too much coke. This happens. It's my favorite exchange ever. Oh, sorry.

No, no. I was just going to say that at this point, Frederick Hoffman takes over the investigation. Yes. Because he's internal affairs. Oh, right? Yeah, IAB. Dead cops and cocaine everywhere.

So. But he comes in, the doctor comes in. He's like, Mason Storm is dead. And everyone's like, oh, man. And this cop has the balls to be like, you know, I know you guys were close So for what it's worth I'm sorry for your loss

Yeah And then like This is after the wall shoving What is it? Oh my God wait You're looking up the dialogue? Yeah It's like

Mason Storm is dead Tired He's in a coma And then somebody's like Oh man I thought that guy was unstoppable And then this guy again Has to get one last word

And he's like Yeah well he got stopped tonight Yes You know what dude Could you know Not with the commentary at this fucking hospital. My friend is dead. This is probably the best character in the film.

And I wish every moment of my life had a guy in the corner saying shit like that. And this guy, by the way, I don't know who this character actor is, but you want to get a fucking description on someone? This guy is a budget rate Robert Davy. Yes. Yeah. And fucking bargain basement. That's cheap. All these other guys go.

Frederick Coffin is like just upset so he's hanging out a little bit and then his tears. And then his other doctor is like oh did I say dead I meant alive. Oh hey excuse me are you a detective here? Yeah yeah yeah can I ask you a quick question did the doctor come through you here and tell you that that dude was

dead he's totally alive I'm sorry that guy loves playing pranks and the prank is always telling people that someone they're waiting for him Mr. Coffin I've got some good news and some bad news for you the good news is your friend is alive and the bad news is if you see look over there that's that's a hidden camera oh no you didn't yes I did so he brings him and so at this point coffin is like all right get the fuck in this room

right now who else knows that this guy is still alive the the doctor says nobody he's like all right I'm going to talk to everybody in this room this does not leave this guy's best chance for survival is if everyone thinks that he's fucking dead and the doctor's like yeah you got to talk to hospital administration. So he throws him against the wall. More wall shoving. Everyone in the hospital is thrown up against the wall. I mean, Frederick Coffin was built like a brick shit house, man.

It looks like one of the bushwhackers. He's the guy shits brick shithouses. He kind of also looks like Fred Gwyn a bit. Like, yes. Like a tough Fred Gwynn. He's like a Frankenstein of all these tough guy actors. It's like if Fred Gwyn was like a fucking defensive lineman. so that's like that's it

and then it's we cut to seven years later we are in 1990 this movie has so little respect for you Andrew the audience it cuts to because it says 1990 Los Angeles seven years later and it's like dude

that is some easy math that I totally did in my brain does the movie start by saying it's 1983 yeah it's 1998 seven years later you know what make fun of it all you want I appreciate it A little hand holding here?

I need, yeah, it's called a leg up. It's not a hand out, it's a leg up. I don't know, man. Yeah, I mean, to Eric's point, I'm watching a Stevens-Zagal movie, man. This noodle is turned all the way to zero. Exactly. Don't worry about it.

Who the fuck knows what I'm on? That's a really good point. Maybe I'm being a bit of a snoot. Yeah, so then it's like seven years later, cut to the fakesest fucking beard you've ever seen on Steven Zagal. You know what he looks like in this scene? to say it. He looks like the dearly departed Charles Manson. He looks

so much like me. He totally does. Rest his soul. Sometime in that seven years, he was in the coffin. Someone carved a swastika in his head. That's fun. He's not waking up anyway. Frederick Crawford did. He's like, I got a disguise his identity.

Charles Manson. That is the movie, dude, because guess what? They will find out he's back soon enough. Oh, Manson's going to rise? No, no, get this. Jason Voorhe's style. These are all great ideas. John Doe.

Oh, John Doe. John Doe, Stephen Seagall, has the big beard. And it's just like, oh, no, they're getting too close to. Oh, I'm going to put him where they can't find him. A California jail. And then he does the swastika on the forehead. And he swaps out Charles Manson. So the mafia comes and kills Charles Manson.

And then Stevens Seagall lives out his life as Charles Manson. Oh, I love it. The movie's called I'm not Charles Manson Yeah, exactly You get like one of these artie directors It'd be like I'm not there Todd Haynes If you're listening

I'm not Manson Actually I was going to say 2017 so far It's been a twofer For a year of I'm glad people are dead Oh sure Dude it's the fucking two hander of

Manson and fucking Roger Ailes Oh that's nice That's so awesome that both of them are dead Yeah that's like the two scoops Out of the Raisin brand Yeah, it's been a tough year for everything except for that. Yeah, that's the one shining beacon in 2017 is that Roger Ales and Charles Manson are dead. By the way, the plot of this movie is, no, I'm not going to talk about it in detail, but it's like Kill Bill, actually.

It is. It is, it is. It is. It is. It is. And it's great. God, man, Tarantino, dude, first he's fucking ripping off City on fire for Reservoir Dogs. Now he's definitely ripping off fucking hard. to kill. But it goes even further that because Kelly LeBrock is his nurse and they were married in real life

at this point. Kelly LeBrock of course from like weird science, a couple of the movies here and there what the fuck were the circumstances in where she had to marry Stevens. There were three of his kids. They remember like six, seven years? It was like it wasn't a real deal thing. What a horrible life. And then she said it irreconcilable

differences. He wouldn't cut the ponytail. No. That means probably like heinous crimes backs, you know, that you don't see. Sexual crimes. It was just because he was Steven Seagal. She just realized that he was... She woke up one day and was like, oh, I'm married to Steven Seagal.

Oh, Stephen Seagal, that's why there's people tied up in the basement. Yeah, that's what he did. So, but she, speaking of Kill Bill, yeah, she must have a fucking car outside that says dick wagon on it because she's going up to the student. She's like, hello, Mr. John Doe, you're so sexy and your dick is so good looking. she's looking at his dick she's asking him if he would like

pussy and he'd have to be a cat yep that's she fucking leans down to this dude and it's John Doe is what she knows him as and she whispers in his ear. This is Kelly LeBrock whispering in this man's ear want a little pussy JD and I was like what the fuck

and then like this adorable kitten comes out of nowhere and she places it on his bearded head and it's there for two seconds and like as this is happening you're like we can tell he's kind of of waking up with his flashing of his family, et cetera, et cetera, oh, my dead, my dead wife. The boner gets big and it, like, puts the blood back into the heart and the machine starts churning.

But the thing is, I think what it is, you got yourself a magic cat here. Because, like, because she removes the cat and he wakes up immediately. Wow. I'm taking that cat to the cancer ward. Like, you know what I mean? This cat is going around the hospital. I'm taking that cat to a pharmaceutical company. Because this shit ain't free.

I imagine it's a thing where like Here's this right He's been in this coma for seven years What if While he was being blasted with shotguns By all those dudes back in 83 At the same time A Japanese ghost sat on his head

Oh right And he was in this coma Like that movie with Joshua Jackson That I don't remember Yeah I don't remember But he's got like Joshua Jackson got sat on by ghost He's got like a ghost on his back

At the end of the movie And he's got like poor posture and whatnot But anyway So this is what's happening to Stephen Seagal and then she puts this cat on his shoulder and that ghost gets scared off Oh okay right and that's why he rises

When these ghosts sit down And then they could sit there Time's not the same for them They can sit down on you for years Wasting your whole life Yeah sleep paralysis that's just minor That's like a ghost tripping over your body Also imagine if it sat down

Imagine What also you notice from this like above the bed shot of Seagal in this coma this fucking wig that he's got on like Robinson Crusoe hair but also holy shit he is bald

as fuck and you can see this piece for like the long hair it looks awful you can see right through it oh you know what's going on it looks it looks like he's just wearing like a kind of more thick hairnet you know what looks worse than that is his hair today

what the hell is that he's disgusting I think he just takes like acrylic paint and paints his head black. All right, Stephen, I will hack the net and I will get you more hair. We'll get you more hair on the dark web, Steven.

I was picturing Steven Zagal like with his hand reached out in front of like a floppy drive. Where's the hair? Make the hair come out. It's the Silk Road, Stephen. It's going to take a few days. Listen, someone call Laura Poitras because I'm

definitely going to commit suicide. So she looks to Kelly LeBrock that is looks through his file and there's a phone number to call so and so if there's any development or whatever called Frederick Coffin himself. I would call the Tonight Show because who's the next guest, that cat. Coma Cat. America would love Coma Cat. You call the Weekly World News. Jack Hannah would put that thing down

oh yeah he would fucking fit he'd put a hit out on that cat jack hannah knows a demon animal when he sees that dude fucking wants that tonight show money he's gonna be on that show forever well uh tonight on the program we got uh sally field of course everybody loves her

and uh uh coma cat he'll be uh yeah woo oh coma I would love it if coma it if coma cat was a thing it would be pretty great

so no Weird, wild stuff. That is weird wild It is weird wild stuff. Finally something that's a legitimate weird and wild thing. And T.K. Carter will be doing

stand-up for us. The unknown comic is going to be doing this. You got any Comacat jokes? We are all in on Comacat here. It would be like an 80s fat.

Everyone's got their like... Oh, yeah. Yeah. it would be like instead of what was that song

Chameleon or another Karma chameleon yeah Coma Coma cat Coma comma Coma coma coma Coma cat Oh that'd be

You wake me up You wake me up It would sweep the nation It would It really would I was asleep Till you sat right down on me Right down on me

You coma cat Yeah man I Ed, it's your last night sitting on the couch For the rest of my run of the Tonight Show Will be Coma Cat Yeah, man I'm telling you, coma cat

But no, she calls Who's supposed to be a Frederick Coffin But it goes to Hank Schrader's desk Unfortunately Yeah, dude, a rookie Hank Schrader Working for the LAPD, Dean Norris With sort of a head of hair He's got more hair than Seagall technically has

and Norris ain't cheating anybody. That's just what was left. Yeah, he's still under the dome a little bit. You hear about this? Under the dome. Oh. Oh, that's been canceled for a few years. Yeah, it has.

No, so she calls him, Dean Norris is obviously crooked. Sure. Because he's practically a stuntman at this point in his career. And he dispatches this guy who's like this assassin who comes in. Meanwhile on the television at the fucking hospital, this is such a side thing. Oh, my God, that's awesome. George Bush is becoming such a great president.

My God, he kissed a pig today. We all love him here at the hospital channel. That's basically what's on the TV. He kisses George Bush. George H.W. Bush kisses a pig. I think this is like more closed circuit than hospital TV dude. I think this is Coma TV and they just have a running reel of like current shit so that when you wake up because Seagal's watching the TV and he's like, wait a minute, when I was going

home to watch the Oscars, I know for a fact that Ronald Reagan was president. Yeah. And it's just like maybe there's a bunch of other shit like they play like the most recent world series, get the Super Bowl in there, get the Academy Awards for. from that year, like the whole thing? Well, Barr, the pollsters gave me the numbers for this whole 92 election. It's not looking good.

I think I got to maybe get rid of quail, get some coma cats. Bush slash comacats. George Bush brought together a constitutional crisis on her hands. He's never had a cat vice president.

He would have totally kicked Clinton's ass. Oh, man, we're losing to that coma cat. I can't believe it. Don't has everybody have a singing dog or nothing? By the way, this meteoric rise for Coma Cat. First, just a hospital

attendant, then co-hosting a massive late-night television show. And then Vice President of the United States. Absolutely. Wow. Future Emperor. Oh, but then it turns out like Comacat, like some of his ideas change a little bit. There's like death camps and shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'd regret coma cats rise then. I can't believe what I'm receiving here tonight. The feline in chief has ordered a nuclear strike on the USSR. You know, I think we might have taken this, the fact that this cat sat on a guy's head and had a coma and he woke up a little too far. So would it be like, okay, so we all know that cats age faster than humans, right? It's sort of like dog years. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Would that mean his term in office would be shorter? Oh, it's like four and a half months? Yeah, maybe. But he could do so much destruction in that time, I think. That's actually pretty true. No, so the assassin comes and now we have like, they give Stephen Seagall immediate physical therapy. This guy's like, all right, you just woke up.

Let's get some physical therapy going. This is so awesome because there's a part, like, he's like, you just got to get me out of here. Like someone's coming to kill me. And the guy's like, no, no, no, no. First, your massage. And it cuts to, like, Steven Segal getting the massage from this dude. And he's like, really, I'm fine.

Thanks for the massage. But I really have to get out of here. This dude's, like, pounding away at him. It's so awesome. So this assassin comes in, and, you know, he's trying to find Steven Seagal. He's pretending to be a doctor. Bad move hospital security. He's got, like, a bolotie.

It's like, no way is a doctor wearing a polo tie. Yeah, at least not in California. Certainly not. And so this dude. dude like goes up to the coma floor and everything and he's looking for John Doe he's not in the bed he runs a foul of this security officer who had sort of suspected something on the ground level but didn't say anything at the time it's like a key card thing or something that doesn't work out for him right uh and so well he quickly butchers this man he butchers him and then

he winds up butchering the uh the physical therapist yeah the masseuse and uh kelly lebrach kind of sees this because like Seagal's first is like you got to get me out of here. Don't call anybody. You got to get me out of here. She's like, oh, you're crazy. But now she realized immediately that she was wrong. And as always, Stephen Seagall was right. Right. And she's like, oh, no. It's the best line. It's like, oh, Larry, Phil.

What happened to you? Yeah. It's like, come on. All the while, Stephen Seagall is pushing himself down the hallway in the rolling bed with a broom. Yeah, this is Kill Bill, man. Move your left toe. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's exactly right.

It's exactly what it is. It's fucking great. You're going to move your left. toe no your other left toe boy you're stupid who am I talking to now let me remember the circumstances

about how I got here what I love about every time he has a flashback it's just so cheap it's like footage from previous scenes including footage of Stephen Seagall so his memories are some like out of body memory

yeah it's not a first person shooter it's like that what do they call that video game video games third person something yeah there's like a term to it side scroller side it's an adventure game for sure yeah um he Kelly the Brock busts him out and I guess it's a conversation where he's like you can't take me home because they're going to kill you and everyone you know so he's like take me somewhere you'll never know she's like well I do know

this doctor friend who is away for six months and he has this amazing fucking house that I'm going to totally take advantage of. This is a ranch. And she's like, yeah, I guess I quit my job and I'm just going to live at this guy's house now. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I don't really know.

She's committed to this guy, though. Also, I feel like Steven Zagal's probably... She's been looking at his dick for seven years. Oh, that's true. It's creepy, man. This is... Yeah. That is against the rules.

Looking at dicks? Dude, listen, if you're in a coma or any way incapacitated, in a hospital or a medical facility, there are zero rules. They are doing everything. thing you could imagine to you. I'm serious.

QT just up the ante, man. I mean, they could have had this in this movie. That's what I'm saying, it'd be great if her car just had dick wagon on it. Like, she took the game to go to her car. It's a dick convertible. She's got a pretty cool convertible in this movie. Oh, it's, it's circumcised. So he is like kind of just staying here.

And there's a, it's just like a lot of this movie is him. healing up and training at this house. He gives her this laundry list of like Chinese herbs that I need to get better. Oh, and by the way, I also need a karate outfit and a really cool leather jacket. Oh, by the way, I'm not going to be, I know you have no money and I don't have money. So deal with it. We still got $5 bills in 1990 or what? Oh, my God, it's got Coma Cat on it.

Dude, that's what you do to this, guys. You warp his fucking mind. You'd be like, no, there is no, there's no currency anymore. Oh, right. Yeah, like, really fuck him over. Bartering system. She's just got to trade shit with people. Yeah, like fur pelts.

This is when he tells her, like, that his dad was a missionary in the Orient. Right, he says, I was raised in the Orient. Okay. She's like, hey, how'd you learn Chinese? I fought in the Opium War. but it's yeah that whole that expression is antiquated absolutely it's a bit bit much it's a bit it's a bit weird and then he starts doing acupuncture on himself yeah dude this guy is great like he can he can retrain himself he can heal himself uh he's putting needles on his back and lighting them on fire somehow yeah there's some sort of like thing that's stuck on the pin i think the cat's helping him there like how could he be doing that. It's so perfectly

placed. I don't know. Like, maybe there's a deleted scene where Kelly LeBrock's like, what, like this? No, like, if you just kind of twist it a little, you got to get that angle and you just gently tap it a little bit. That's what you do, man. You get all naked and oiled up. You get her naked and oiled up. Sure. You're just

pricking each other all night. So this is like, this is a training montage. He's like running and he's, it's like two thirds of the movie. He's punching a board a lot He's punching a board a lot He's getting angry

Pie Mae's training him I think like And it's intercut with her Like This is where She's research kind of things So she finds out That there's like

A so and so You know like The last known whereabouts Basically like he has He's trying to task her With finding Frederick Coffin's character Sure

Which what's this dude's name O'Malley O'Malley Right So she goes to like This retirement facility for some reason and she's trying to find O'Malley

and this old woman who like runs the place she's in a wheelchair they kind of like have a little tea party and she's like I'm looking for this guy O'Malley and whatnot and she's like well no no one here by that name for sure you know leave your number whatever and this is a weird like Helen LeBrock's like

I don't know about leaving a phone number and I was like oh fuck is this old woman crooked like how far does this go? I thought it was going to be a crooked old woman I thought so too I thought that's what we're talking about here I thought Kelly LeBrock was going to have to kill her I thought that would be pretty cool

But so she goes to write the phone number down And she notices there's like a police officer badge Like it's like a retirement thing Yeah but like how is that a tip off I've seen two cops that are not crooked And like 70 that are Yeah especially in this movie Everyone's crooked

Yeah And what's awesome though Is so she has this little meeting And then it immediately goes back into a second training montage. It does. We cut to also William Sadler who's running, he is Senator, they kind of talk like

he's doing a lot of senatorial stuff in front of a billboard for do the right thing. Yes, it's pretty great. And there's a gang stuff that he's doing that goes to nothing. Basically, he goes he does his speech about getting tough on gangs. And then he has

these five corrupt cops that are, his security team, he's just like, we got to kill that son of a bitch. And it's like, you're like four seconds away from like all the reporters in Los Angeles. Yeah. Like can we take this indoors, please? This was your problem to begin with. And I don't know if it's right here in the movie, but it's close enough.

You see like his hideout slash campaign headquarters slash mansion or whatever. Yeah, sure. And all of these scumbag corrupt cops are sitting around a table all wearing like elect whatever the fuck. I think it's Trent? Yes, Trent. Like, you know, a re-elect Trent or whatever it is on these buttons. And they're just like the biggest, scusiest looking dudes. Like, you take a look at this team and it's like, that's not a campaign.

Like, those are clearly criminals. Exactly. The political criminals cover up a little better. Oh, wow. It's not so obvious looking. Yeah. And then, um, uh, uh, Seagall's like watching Geraldo at this point. Oh, right.

Because we got to have to, it's like all the famous stuff that's happened. Yes. Great. And there's a commercial for Trent's campaign. Oh, right. And his thing is like, you could take that to the bank. I say it in crime and it's also my catchphrase in my political career. And so at some point around here, Kelly LeBrock like comes home and just makes a move on him?

Yes. Like she's had enough, dude. She's been sponge-bathing this dude for seven years. She's been talking to old people. Well, she's definitely had sex with him while he's been asleep. So she might as well see if there's any difference. You know, cue the saxophone, hardcore here. And, you know, their husband and wife, so it's a little bit, it's a sleazier sex scene than you're, he's getting grabby.

He gets super grabby. He's just grabbing like both ass cheeks and his paws. And, uh, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what it feels like to be in a coma yet, but I mean, your family was basically just murdered. Yes. To you. Right. Yeah, exactly.

And you're instantly going to bone town. He has no qualms about this. And they do not do a thing where he's like, you know, I heard every word you said. Like they don't do that. So like, right. As far as we know, this character. It's just a woman he saw and he's designed to screw her.

Right. And it's kind of crazy because there's no, there's no like, I don't know, you know, technically it still feels like I'm married. Oh, Beverly wouldn't like this murdered an hour ago. Yeah, exactly. Felicia Storm is. It's like never existed. No, dude, erased from existence.

And his son is dead. Like, I mean, you're in like serious grief for a long time. Well, maybe it's just some grief fucking. Yeah, there's that. Who knows? I guess so. At some point, he finds Frederick Coffin. And then Frederick Coffin explains to him, like, don't worry, man.

Not only did I go through incredible lengths to stage the funeral. Stage the funeral. By the way, that's a movie I want. Just going the ins and outs of staging a funeral. Oh, sure. It's that. And then he's like, I also saved your son. Oh, by the way, my mother, because of this corrupt conspiracy, was run off the road.

And that's why I had to retire. Right. Like, they did just enough not to kill this woman. But the return of Frederick Coffin to this movie is awesome because he finds Stephen Seagal. But the sequence of events is as follows. They have sexual intercourse earlier in the day. Then Kelly LeBrock gets up to do something And Steven Sagan, then you see him

He looks at his wedding ring And he's like, oh right And then that night Kelly LeBrock is asleep Steven Sigal wakes up in the middle of the night And drives to the cemetery Oh, okay And he goes to their gravesides

And I'm pretty sure he sleeps in the cemetery Because the next scene is coffin at the house Looking for him And Steven Sagal pulls up in a Jeep Right So I think he's coming from sleeping at the cemetery. It reminded me re-watching this of McGruber when he's fucking his dead wife's ghost in the cemeter. Maybe he did that.

Maybe that's a scene. Oh, deleted scene where he fucks a ghost? That'd be pretty cool. That'd be great. Ghosts have babies. But here's the thing. Frederick Coffin. Yes, five-year-old Eric.

Ghosts can have babies. Look if a human ejaculates into ectoplasm. Nothing. half. It hits the floor. Okay. I want, you know, yeah, I don't know. Okay. I'll accept it for now. Okay. That's what we'll,

until it's proven otherwise. Um, but Coffin is like, I did all this stuff and all the students who all could do is like, yeah, man, thanks a lot. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, but that's, I don't, like, Andrew, if this ever happens to me, if I'm ever, like, in a drunk gang and all this stuff and I have a son, if, if all this stuff happens and, like, just let me die. Like, I don't want.

to owe you that much. Like, you don't know what I mean? Like, you, you would have complete carte blanche over the rest of my life because you, like, anytime you're moving, anytime, like, you know, maybe you're a little short on rent. You're just like, yeah, Steve, can you help me out a couple bucks? I'd be like, I don't know, man. Yeah, you're right. I only did. Let me mark this down now. Stephen Sadec, do not resuscitate. Yes, that's the, this constitutes do that to resuscitate order. I don't know, Steve, putting together two fake funerals is a pretty time consuming. Sounds like you owe me. Did I tell you about the time my mother got run off the road? I would use it for petty shit too. Oh, absolutely too. Boy, I am starving, Steve. No, no, no, no. I ate

out last night. I'd prefer a home-cooked meal. How you enjoying that son, Steve? He's a alive right like he wasn't killed by yeah yeah so you'll be over by seven then all right thanks so much this this leads to the absolute best line in the movie where stephen zagal puts it together with the and you can take that to the bank yeah oh my god yes he puts it together and he goes i'm going to take you to the bank senator trent to the blood bank fucking it's all god but it's also kind of a dental plan moment because like um uh he's like i gotta go listen to that tape yeah you do want to listen to that tape uh storm because you want to listen to for phrases that repeat and for anything that might give you some uh knowledge

so it's like it's like stevensigal thinking and it's like take that to the bank phrases that repeat take that to the bank phrases that repeat lisa needs braces exactly but i would actually argue against this frederick coffin detective o'malley do not listen to the tape stephen stephen seagull never you mustn't listen to the tape it's all just these bears being killed by the mafia the inhuman eyes of the mafia

the animalistic eyes it's the eyes of evil and then he doesn't have a fucking chance to think about anything after the blood bank because these dudes raid the house well the interesting thing about the blood bank line well actually we'll get to that again we'll put a pin in the blood bank line sure

so these dudes fucking and there's an assault on this house. On this other guy's house who's just like, hey, Kelly LeBrock, could you, A, water my plants and B, do me a huge favor. Take care of my white horse. I have this needless white horse

that I have to go to China for six months. I need someone to feed. I need somebody to groom it. That's like the number one job. That you then see run away after this. For some reason, there's like a 10 second shot of a horse. We've never seen running away. But I want the, see, the end of the,

end of the credits, the Stinger scene. Coma horse? No, that's a great idea, though. That's probably better than my idea. Hey, wake up, motherfucker. Oh, shit, he's like a rapper now because that's hip. Yeah, that's hip hop.

And no, no, the dude comes back to his house, puts down his bags, and like the house falls apart. Oh my God. It's like the money bit. Yeah. That's just that that's at the end of the credits. Oh, you know, it's, it's, it's Jeffrey Jones.

He pulls out of the driveway and he's like, well, I can't. So it's so great to be coming home from China. Oh, yeah. And he's like walking to the door and he puts the key in and the whole house falls over. It's like Buster Keekeek, the fucking front of the house falls over. Yes, yes. And also Steven Seagall this ungrateful fuck. Like, you know what I mean?

Like you're an A plus martial artist and Enkito and all sorts of things. You don't have to push people into the, like, into armoires. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. fuck this built in. Yes, this built-in shelf. Like, my God, there's so many faces that this guy has that are priceless that are ruined. But not to mention all of the machine gunning.

Yeah, that's a problem. Like, yeah, sure, Stephen Seagall's throwing people into a couple of walls, but what with the machine gunning? Yeah. They got machine guns. I got Ming Vazes. Huckin' huckin' vases. At some point around here, Dean Norris is laid to waste. Oh, yes, he is.

He eats a little shit here. You know why? Because he's not really the number two of this gang. The number two of this gang is actually the number two from the television show Renegade. Oh, yes. Okay, now explain that to anyone born after 1975. I'm not going to bother. No, it's a Lorenzo Lama show. No, I know that.

I think Renegade was also a dude where his family was murdered or something, wasn't it? He was a dude with like a sexy leather vest and a beautiful chivalme. chest and he used to ride an iron horse yes a motorcycle for you know we got to tell this to the young listeners so that they understand there was like some really sexy desert show his name is brand scum uh rickman yeah he's kind of like a big native american actor the character was um like bobby six killer or something yeah yeah bobby six killer yeah he was like i mean he was like the number two it was like lorenzo lamas bobby six killer and then there was some like lady yeah That was like the trio on Renegade.

And I never really watched Renegade. What was his deal? Was he like a substitute teacher? No, he rode from town to town, man, like fucking people up. It's like, you know, stopping crimes. I think he was like a secret service, an agent that got burned and he has to be on the lamb, but he's also trying to write wrongs that he's got a team. Yeah. It might be a bounty hunter now.

Every episode was him like on his motorcycle coming somewhere. I will say it's on Hulu. If you're hungover one day, you put on an episode of Renegade, an hour will have pay. You know what? That was all right. Yeah, it's one less hour. It was one hour closer to not being hung over anymore. So, yeah, all this stuff happens. They escape.

And now it's a bunch of cat and mouse. Basically, Frederick Coffin tells him that, by the way, your son's alive. And he's like, oh, my God, that's so, man, I really owe you big. I mean, like, I'm trying to use words right now, but like, there is no way to quantify this debt. He has a line where you know he's full of shit. he says to him he's like I don't even know how to thank you man but what it is is that's

all he's gonna do oh I see you know what I mean like well I told him I don't know how to thank him and that's fucking it I don't know how also I don't give a shit because I'm the world's biggest asshole I'm too stupid to show gratitude I didn't remember it had been a while since I watched this movie

but I feel like the last time we watched it like we actually maybe watched it in a group and it was like the early days of this show like oh this will make a great episode someday cut to fucking seven years later we finally get around to it but I didn't remember how much Kelly LeBrock is constantly just hanging out with him

yeah it's pretty much the whole movie this like husband and wife action duo but she doesn't do it like she needs to have oh not a fucking thing she's there kind of the wheelman sometimes kind of the wheelman sometimes kind of the wheelman so I mean like once he gets his legs back through all of his training

and self acupuncture she's just kind of like window dressing but so Frederick Coffin is like I will They hatch the scheme. Like, you know, oh, that's right. There's a TV guy that they want to get a tape to. They want to get the tape to, to put the senator away, which, by the way, is all they need to do. Later in the movie, other things happen.

Like, no, no, no, just get that taped. But so Frederick Coffin has the tape. He also has his son. It's like, I'll meet you at this train station. But oops, all the bad guys go there and they kill Frederick Coff. And we get introduced to his teenage son. early teenage son. Yeah, this happens

at the same time there's some weird like hotel meetup and Stephen Seagal has to go to this hotel with Kelly LeBrock and they're gonna like they're trying to track down

the dudes I guess for like one final showdown or something. Did you notice the weird entertainment that's going on with this hotel? It's some like big deal hotel

front of the hotel like outside full on mariachi band performing. Oh yeah, yeah. You go inside this hotel in this massive lobby. It's like this

five-star hotel, right? Calypso band. Marriachi outside, calypso inside. A lot of mixed messages with this hotel. Maybe it's two different hotels, you know. It's just right next door to each other. So, yeah, he gets into a fight at this hotel. He kicks some guy through a glass window. Two. Same guy, two glass windows. It is beautiful. And everyone is like

throwing up that's watching it because it's so brutally violent. I love it. I fucking love it. Trust me, I'm a good guy. Yeah. Let me just kill someone in front of a hundred witnesses. Yeah, like that actually, there should be a thing like, this dude's back from the dead. He's killing people. Get this guy's face on the news. He just ransacked this with him.

His name is in the news because the cop, like Trent uses it against him. He's like, oh, this dirty cop woke up from a coma. He's killing all these other cops. I heard he sleeps in the cemetery. He's back from the dead. Totally, dude. We just got news. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a dark day here.

Mason's Storm has killed Coma Cat. Oh! No! A nation mourns hero. I only did it because I wanted the power of coma. I wanted to put people in comas. So then there's a weird, like he, they chase him out of this hotel. Yes.

I keep wanting to call him Mick Murphy. What is... O'Malley. O'Malley. Yeah, he's shot dead in the parking lot of this train station. They get there a little too late, but Seagal meets up with the sun, and they're immediately chased into Chinatown. Well, the thing is, like, when he gets shot, like, I think Seagal just sees like, oh, awesome. Yeah, oh, fucking debt cleared, baby. I know that, that guy wanted me to help him move.

That was going to take all damn day. Do you think it's a thing where, like, O'Malley was kind of alive, and he's like, oh, you got to help me. storm help me and he's like nah this way i'm debt free thanks for the free pass and you know raising my boy not only that when someone comes out of a coma someone has to go into the ground oh fuck yes it's like the fausty and bargain you do when you when you come out of a coma you have to like help someone die it's fucked up though because omali who has essentially raised this child is like getting shot to death in this parking lot and what's the son's name here it's sunny it's And it's fucking great because

Sonny Jim. Coffee. He gets fucking shot. It's another like this dude is shot in the chest three times. And he gets back up and there's just, we're in the parking lot of this hotel. There's a tire iron on the ground. Amazing.

And O'Malley bicks up, he's like, I love you, Sonny. He charges at this dude that gets shot again. Yet he still hits him in the face. It's fucking great. God, it's so awesome. And you know, That's why I kind of was hoping, like, at the end of the movie, O'Malley's on a stretcher, and I'm like, oh, that's good.

You could have easily done that, right? Like, give it a thumbs up. He doesn't even need a close up. Exactly. Did you get O'Malley? Oh, yeah, did you scrape him off the ground? No, no, no, he's going to be fine. He's giving the thumbs up, and then the girl's like, oh, fuck, I've got to go to his Oscar party now.

I'll ride in the back of the ambulance. Oh, I'll just take this pillow. So the sort of the, he has this big fight. through Chinatown. With Quintaro. With Quintaro, who is the guy from a renegade

for your dad out there. And it's a fun fight. I mean, like, it's pretty good. Because he's a stunt man versus stunt man. And this is kind of the big last fight of the movie.

It's pretty awesome. It's also another great, like, you see all these, like, the tired faces of the Chinatown residents. Like, oh, yeah,

just get this fucking street fight out of the way. Nobody is doing anything. But he's throwing Quintero through this guy's fucking, like on the street peaking duck business like you're ruining my livelihood

like you do not have to body slam him into my fucking store not only the store the chef himself is inadvertently harmed or maybe advertently harmed maybe like grease is falling on this guy like who even knows? You're ruining my life Segal I had nothing to do with this

so he kills this guy this is a choke to death in front of a hundred people Yes, easy. And then he, like, gives his son a high five. Oh, cool. I love murder, dad. It's awesome.

I liked a Frederick Coffin, who was not murdered dad, a little bit more. He steals this Chinese guy's truck, and it's fucking hilarious because this actor is speaking, you know, some form of Chinese is staring. Do you see this? He's staring directly at the camera. Like, Steven Segal pulls him out of the truck. Steven Segal gets in the truck and closes the door. and this guy's yelling at him, but he's not looking at Segal in the driver's seat, he's staring straight at this camera that's shooting him on.

Because this was an ad lib. Yeah. He just randomly carjacked. Because we're playing, by the way, we're playing Grand Theft Auto. Yes, yeah, absolutely. Oh, Stephen Scal's got five stars on him at this point, man. The fucking army's coming. At one point, like, I think after the compound raid, he steals a Jeep from the guys.

And then he goes up to like three gang, Latino gang members, presumably, who are in a hot car and is like, hey guys you want to trade cars and like yeah stevens segal sounds cool it's awesome because the one dude is like is it hot and stephen zagal responds it's smoking i could have done the man and they do like little like down low low like high five situation yep and it's just like wait a second their car is not is like at least road worthy that he takes from them this car is riddled with bullets and it's missing a windshield. To which these dudes are excited, though. Did you hear them?

Like, oh my God, this car's got like a hundred bullet holes in it. Yeah. Okay. It's so great. So they, I presume they'll get arrested and go to jail forever. Yeah, that sounds about right. So he goes finally to Trent's mansion. And again, sorry, go ahead.

Well, I was just to say, we're reintroduced to Trent. He's not in this movie a lot. Yes. But it's in this scene. He's in a hot tub with a baby. and then like some dude comes up and he's like sorry to bother you right now but Mason Storm's on his way here

or something like that and he's like all right just give us some privacy get out of here and the guy leaves and he's like sorry baby looks like we're not going to the ballet tonight this woman's like totally offended props to this movie though this woman gets out of this hot tub

she has a bikini bottom on and when she exits the tub and turns around you don't see her chest I was gonna say there's no nudity in this movie very surprising. No, shockingly, because it's horrendously violent. So at this point you're like, well, why not? You're hard art. We're already here. But like, the thing

is, like, all Segal has to do is put this tape to the media and it's over with. Like, his family is safe. Like, he gets reinstated in the police. He's vindicated, et cetera, et cetera. And his enemies are ruined. Like, you know, Trent will go to jail. But he doesn't. It's good

old-fashioned revenge, dude. It turns in, like, well, at first he goes, there's a room full of bad guys, including the one guy that was at the hospital. This scene is kind of my favorite when he interrupts the pool game. Yes, the billiards scene. Oh, God. Because he's doing this that thing. Who wants to fucking fight, man?

Who wants to do it? Or he's like, oh, come on man. Can I play? Can I do it? Like, he's doing that. Like, can I get in on this game? Oh, yeah, like hand me a cue. And what he does with one of these cues. Oh, it's broken in half is he stabs it into a guy's throat. Oh, my God. And says, fuck you die. Yes. It's

oh, God. That line and that stabbing is why it's my favorite scene. It's a really great scene because it intercuts with like, oh, my God, this is the guy that killed my wife. This is the actual guy that killed my wife. He recognizes like the dude's eyes or something like that. But in any way, he does say fuck you die, which is beautiful. And the stamp of the neck is. That's for my wife. Fuck you die. And his wife would just be like, I would rather you go through legal means. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost is disapproving of all this manslaughter. What kind of example are you setting for our son? Oh, wait a minute. Our son's alive? Who's the. Who's the? this ghost I've been hanging out with. Oh, my God. It's like a fucking abandoned baby ghost. It's the fucking creepy little sailor person from Insidious.

Dude, that little thing dancing in the corner of that movie, that, oh, I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it right now. Freaking gross kid, ghost. He kills all these henchmen. And then it turns. Oh, shit. Coma cat comes through the window. Fucking kicking

and scratching all these dudes. I wish. Like it bites a dude's nuts off. Wow. Yeah. This is still a tiny kitten at this point. It uses its tail to toss a grenade. It's a combat cat.

No, it turns into the third act of Halloween with, now William Sadler is Jamie Lee Curtis and Stephen Seagall is Michael Myers. And everyone else in the house is dead. Can we start calling Stephen. Inzegal today, the shape. The dude is disgusting. Like a fucking rhombus or something. Because he is just like going room to room and like just like stalking.

Oh, I'm sorry. And killing and leaving fucking threats. Yes. Written in blood on the wall. He writes your next. He writes your next or the anticipation of death is worse than death itself on a toilet, which is fucking hilarious. Because what are you saying with that?

All I can say is if Eric. Chris and I still live together that would be written on our I guarantee you we're all you know in a nice wonderful relationships and we can't live in a dirty

guy apartment anymore but I guarantee you if we did that would be written on our toilet oh god that would be we'd adopt a cat name it coma yes maybe we'll do that

no um coma cat's drinking out of the death toilet again well the anticipation of drinking out of it's actually worse he does kill this the second of the last guy I think is the guy who

talks shit about him being on Coke in the beginning Yeah Doesn't I leave that guy alive? That's what I'm not sure So this is like he's doing like some weird Batman shit This is the anticipation to death is blah blah And he like he starts choking him with his own tie

Right And the guy's like I didn't do it And then he stops But on the floor the guy is like writhing And I'm not sure either I know Choked to death did he have a heart attack or is he totally just alive?

Maybe he was doing too much coke. I think he's dying. I think he kind of just killed him anyway. What's weird when he gets to this mansion, though, like he does the couple things earlier in the movie where he's like, come at me, motherfucker, like that kind of sikol thing. But when he's in this mansion

and he's walking around looking for William Sadler, he starts getting all like talkie talk out of nowhere. And he's like, come on, Trent, where are you? Are you in here? Oh, no. Are you behind this painting? No. Hey, Trinner, you under your bed? No. And he's like, just, I'm like, who are you talking to?

Just stalk around this mansion. But this is when it becomes Halloween because Sadler's in the closet and he's in the closet trying to get him. You know what I mean? Stephen Zagall gets poked in the eye with a fucking, a straightened hanger. Instead, it's a shotgun that he easily deflects and takes away from William Sadler. Yes, obvious. And then it's a move. shoves it into his mouth.

Oh, and you know there's broken teeth, dude. Dude, I was watching this last night for the first time in a while, like really up close. Uh-huh. It's meant to be, because suddenly William Saddler has, like, blood around his mouth. Yes. It looks like lipstick. It does look like lipstick. It probably is lipstick.

But he's also wearing black caps on his teeth. Oh. So it's made to be like Mason Storm just broke all you fucking teeth down your throat, which I found even more disturbing than anything. else going on the movie like intense tooth trauma like that big time all your teeth are gone and not only all your teeth are gone you had to swallow them oh yeah yep those teeth had nowhere to go but down dude that is that now you're talking about it it's a little because he's bleeding profusely it's disgusting which would happen if you lost all your teeth teeth went to tummy town oh god um trying to pass that the anticipation of its worst problem he brings um he brings uh he brings uh

he brings him into the family room there and they're having a big talk this is right thing with prison rape by the way yeah that's that's this movie nice pretty little petite white boy like you well the weird thing is at the end of the movie there was two cuts of this movie one in which he killed him and he did use that line

I'll take you to the bank the blood bank and then shoots him and then the other one which is the real cut but I think that's why they had this other cut where this other scene where like it was such a good line Seagal had to just say it in the middle of the day to nothing. All right, fine.

You don't want me to kill Trent at the end of this movie? I'll agree to that. I will acquiesce. But question to you, where are we putting the blood bank line now? Because if that line goes, I go. This script was written backwards. First thing's first.

Take it to the bank, the blood bank. Everything else happened after that. Senator Trent, don't believe his lies. Who the fuck is Dodd? On your DVD, by the way, is there the deleted scene, like alternate ending that you can watch? I didn't check, actually, because I had to flip it to get the widescreen. Oh, shit. The answer is, no, it's not.

Yeah, the special feature there is an anamorphic menu. I didn't even see that, dude. It just started. How auto play. Yeah, there's nothing on that disc. But so he's about to kill him maybe, but he's also saying maybe I'll send you to prison and you get raped because that's like whatever. And then you'll really be anal retentive is the line. That's so funny because it's so stupid and it's not what that means at all.

No, no, no, no, it's not. It's just, what can I do? Listen, I originally wrote the line to say, you're going to get fucked up the ass, but they're making me change it. How about anal retentive? Yeah, that's funny. So the cops come in and they're like, Storm, leave them alone. SWAT team.

SWAT team comes in to like, drop the gun, drop the gun. we know and you're under arrest, Mr. Senator, or whatever. You got, they tell, like, they tell, like, because Steven Seagall's like, which way is this going? Like, are they going to take him down? After fake shooting Williams-Edler's cock, by the way. Yeah, yeah. And there's a 10 scene, and, you know, the cops are like, no, no, no, Mason, we're here to end the movie. Yeah.

We have seen the tape. We are here to arrest the senator, not you. You can put the gun down, which would have been a great ploy to get him to put the gun down and arrest. Yes, totally. But here's the thing. That cop is totally sincere. This guy waits way too long to give that information to Steven Zagal. Because everybody rushes in and Steven Zagal's got the gun and he's like, what are we doing here?

And everybody's not saying anything. And then this other cop who's not SWAT team, he's just like a uniform guy comes up and he's like, put the gun down, put the gun down, Mason. And it's like, beat, beat, beat. And Steven Zagal's like looking around the room. He's checking his watch. This guy is finally revealing, we saw the tape. I was like, that is what you lead with, sir. Loomis is on the stairs.

Mason! No! But thank God we don't have to like, in any other movie, it'd be like the police would have to, we'd have to watch them see the tape. Yeah, that's true. This is just like, boom, we've already, no, the audience knows what the tape is Mason.

You know what the tape is Mason. We're here to end the movie. But then you're going to go on trial for the deaths of like all of these people. You're not allowed to just walk around killing people even if like they did you wrong. Right. Yeah. So then it's this weird thing where like this little kid who is kind of re-meeting his dad for the first time in seven years. And then here's brand new mom, Kelly LeBrock.

And there's a Steven Zagal group hug. And he's just like, how about a nice. vacation. And this kid's like, I guess so. I'd kind of like to know who you are. By the way, you've got other people's blood all over you. But then it's a weird, like, that's where it should end is like this group hug. But then we go out to like the driveway. Oh, right. And it's like this, this like police technician of some kind is standing outside a van. And you hear like William Sadler, like you hear the tape playing for some reason. Yeah. And it ends, like, the last thing is William Sanders saying, are you listening to me? And that's the end of the movie? It's, like, just end with, like, how about a vacation? Cue the saxophone, get the electric guitar going, get those credits out.

Maybe we're saying something? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I think that's a mystery. It's a total mystery, man. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Maybe it'll be explained and hard to kill, too. Which is spelled T-O-O.

Yeah, that's how he spelled. Hey, Stephen, I got the. I got the Heart to Kill to Indie Go Go page Open All you need to do Is check it No Stephen

I'm not gonna check it It's not my movie Look here's the thing This page will look a lot more appealing If you film the ask video We talked about You can't just have a bunch of text On an Indiego page

You want me to film my ass You want my ass video Hey Edward You want to fight me right now No Stephen I do not. You were in the CIA, huh, tough guy?

NSA, CIA, whatever. Big man with your big balls and your computer fingers. Stephen, I just, I want you to look at, approve the page before I make it live, dude.

Think you're tough guy with that Muppet voice. Let's go, tough guy. Oh, fuck, man. I think was Under Siege 2 Dark Territory, the only sequel he ever made

to end? any of his movies? Oh, good point. I think it... Probably. Aside from the 100 movies he's made in between 2005 and now.

None of that shit can't. I don't know what any of those are. Yeah, I'm trying to keep my taxes up to date movies. That's what those are. There's a hundred of them. I don't know what they are, but I don't think...

Yeah, I think that you're probably right. I watched some movie with him recently where it's like, him and Stone Cold Steve Austin were best friends, and then like, one of them burned the other one? Yeah, I don't remember

what the fuck. it was but someone's like breaking into a prison for some reason that sounds great it was it was okay if that movie had been made in 1990 yeah a lot of bad like cg i like gun flare shit yeah i can't handle that just the cheapest shit man um well that is the end of hard to kill would anybody recommend this movie yeah i would um it's it's a kind of a we love movies it's a stupid as sin movie it kind of it's mean the middle doesn't make any it's a lull but it's a lot of fun to watch. Yeah, I would agree with that. And we said at the top that, you know, Stephen Segal is a gigando piece of shit. Yeah, physically and just like with his attitude. But I like grew up watching this

movie and it's got a little special place that people die in. And it's, it's a fun movie to watch. And steal this movie. This is a movie you should. There you go. Yeah. Nice. We're like fucking Abby Hoffman. Yeah, man. We're the yippies. Hey man, I think you should definitely check out this movie, man. I love this movie. This is a fucking WLM for me if I ever saw one. I was just sitting there last night. I got home late. It was like a bad train situation too. It was tired as shit.

And I'm like, man, now I've got to watch the movie for tomorrow. But thank God the movie was hard to kill because I just, I sat right up. I was like, here we go. We're doing it. So yeah, thanks again to Philippe Sabrero, who is a great friend of the show Does a ton of art for us Yep. By the way, check out the Patreon Because there are

There's so much bonus content there There's commentary's Rambo's coming up The Twilight Mintaries, Twilight and Twilight New Moon Many others Taken is on the... Taken to Mentary, absolutely. Our show The Nexus where we talk about Star Trek You don't have to enjoy Star Trek to listen along. We've actually had a ton of people say, like, I get the nexus.

I don't watch Star Trek. I don't have anything against it. I don't watch it, but it's still entertaining, which is pretty cool. And of course, Animation Damnation, where we talk about cartoons. Fun cartoons. Yeah, you got ducttails on there. These are episodes that have not been on the main feed. There will be a Christmas episode of Animation Damnation.

So, you know, a little bit of fun there. And by the way, so for checking out more of Philippe's art because he's an amazing artist, go to sobrero.com. That's S-O-B-R-E-I-O-O-com. Subrero.com. And with that, that's hard to kill, man, directed by Bruce Malmuth. If you want more W-H-M in general, check out our website, W-H-M-Podcast. Or find us over at HeadGum. On Twitter, we are W-H-M-Podcast and like us on Facebook.

And right into that mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com, your crazy holiday stories, your holiday movie-related questions for us. Get them in. We all hate movies at gmail. come next week on the program WHM just does not stop we're not we're going to break that 10 year rule guys I'm sorry I apologize wait

wait what just in time for the holiday just in time for the holiday season and I believe Coma Cat's coming out it's the Coma Cat movie oh my god coming up next on the air Coma Cat is going to be with you for the next three hours no it is Pottersville Pottersville and I at the time of this recording

November the 21st. I'm the only one to see this movie. It's fucking ridiculous. And it is now out on Netflix, I believe, or it's supposed to be out there streaming. So you can check it out. It's a movie from this year. It's a movie from this year.

Get this gang. Get hip to this gang. It's a Michael Shannon Christmas movie. Shit. Where he saves a town by being mistaken for Bigfoot. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. I almost said Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska, Chris Cabin is on a sign. Take it easy.