We Hate Movies - S8 Ep331: Episode 331 - Constantine: Live! at the Los Angeles Podcast Festival

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

On the final episode of the year—dropping a day early for Christmas!—it's the gang's live appearance at the 2017 Los Angeles Podcast Festival talking Constantine! Recorded at the Millennium Biltmore Hotel's Biltmore Bowl, this movie had the gang asking questions like: How can a person live above a bowling alley comfortably? Why not have an English actor play Constantine? And why didn't anyone tell poor Gavin Rossdale what "finger lickin' good" means? PLUS: Shia LaBeouf plays a role written for the legendary Ernest Borgnine (or David Johansen)! Constantine stars Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Djimon Hounsou, Peter Stormare, Gavin Rossdale, and Tilda Swinton—for some reason; directed by Francis Lawrence. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a Headgum podcast. Los Angeles, what is happening? Welcome to an intimate afternoon with We Hate Movies. Wait, I'm just pouring water. Oh, get some beverages? Yeah, just... Oh, you shouldn't have, thank you. Oh, wait, let's get this on mic.

No, I don't think it's... Don't put the electronics near the pouring water. It's probably a bad idea. Oh, well, tonight I might put a toaster the tub my name is Andrew Jupin Eric

Eric Cisca Chris Cabin and I'm Steven Seda and we are we hate movies from New York City

thank you for spending your afternoon with us yeah now how many of you guys are

familiar with the show we do on the internet a couple of folks okay there's any first timers if you got

tricked into coming here coned maybe is the right word we apologize in advance we are a

comedy show that takes a movie good, bad, or otherwise. And, you know, regardless of quality, makes fun of it. They're usually pretty bad. Yeah, some gentle ribbing, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Some light slander. A foul language. Oh, yeah. If you have a problem

with that, I mean, there's a parental advisory sticker that comes with the show. A big E, a big red E. Oh, E, that's what they use now, right? There will be smoke in the middle of it as well. There should be stroblights. By the way, they should have been handing out that E in in the lobby there.

Yes, you should have an E with you. Yes. So this afternoon's film, Constantine, from the Year of Our Lord 2005, directed by a guy named Francis Lawrence. The worst. He's the worst? The worst.

Why? What did he do to you? I am legend. That's what he did to me. Oh. He did one of those there Hunger Games, too. He did three of them there. Oh, really?

He did the last three, I think. I Am Legend was kind of a con job, too, right? Like, it was like, everybody went to see that movie because it's like, oh my God, the new film, the Batman stuff's on the trailer. You have to go see that movie. I saw that in IMAX for a trailer. Hey, Eric.

So did I. We went together. Oh, that's right. I think we did, right? Yeah. Oh, boy. So this movie, has anyone seen this movie? Okay, okay, yeah.

Are you fans of the Hellblazer comic line? Okay. Josh is one guy. Can we start with why they didn't call it fucking Hellblazer? Hellblazer is a great name. Great name. And apparently the whole reason they didn't do it is because Hellboy was the year before and they were worried about it getting, you know, scrambled up.

Oh man, look at that. Hellboy is still in theaters. That really keeps going. Well, Hellboy 2 came out. It's called Hellblazer. Hellboy 2 Hellblazer. That's like the Hellboy sequel where like his son goes to college and is just getting

fucking ripped all the time, just stoned off his little red ass. No, no, no, no. It's when he joins a country club. Yes, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have to put on my hellblazen. My navy blue hellblazing. Hmm, let's get racist.

Those people are racist, right? Yeah, yeah, of course. But it's like, it's like the new, oh, you're going to go see the new Superman movie, Kent? I'm super excited to see Kent. that would experience some hilarious subway vandalism

on those pastures. Yeah, I believe so. Putting that out there. So this is the movie where Keanu Reeves is playing an English guy who's not English. It's not like an English guy at all.

I mean, he's playing Angelino. John Constantine, the comic character, and you may want to read a fucking comic book. Yeah, I should. Was born in Liverpool, England as a matter of fact. He's a lad from Liverpool?

Yeah, he's a little lad from Liverpool. He's like the sixth or seventh beetle I hear. Oh, is everyone in Liverpool considered a beetle? Yes, and you're just ranked by, like, town popularity. The bugs of the U.K., right? The bugs of the U.K. Well, it wasn't they have factories up there?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the little people. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay, now I get it. My God, the eyes that Chris Cabin made at me. Took the real roundabout way to get to that one. But no, so he's Keanu Reeves in this movie, though. He's not an English guy.

No. He's Keanu Reeves. Because he can only be Keanu Reeves. Which is fine, but that means don't cast him as John Constantine from Liverpool. Call the movie Reeves. Oh, yeah. That could also be about a Superman.

Yeah, exactly. He could honestly do just the same things he does in this movie. He could cast spells, do whatever. I'm Keanu Reeves. So speaking of doing whatever, he's like a, he's a paranormal detective. Coming this summer, Keanu Reeves does spells and whatever.

I would buy a ticket. Rated NC-17. Oh, whatever gets dark. No, so he's a paranormal detective or something. Something like that. Would you qualify him as a detective or what? A demon assassin?

Yeah, I don't know that I'd use demon assassin. Oh, you know what? He's like, we were talking about that show the other day. What was that HBO docu series with that like white trash bail bondsman family? Family bonds. Oh, right. He's like a bail bondsman for the undead.

He's also more, because they use the word deported an awful lot. He's like a paranormal ice agent. Oh, yeah, he's like Pice. You call him a Pice agent. Paranormal ice. Okay. Sorry, I'm spelling that out for you.

Okay, thank you. Yeah, there's a lot of deport. Yeah, it's weird. This movie, it's 2005. It's a lot of like, you're going to get fucking deported. It's like, you know, times don't change, man. Yeah, and we start in Mexico, so it's really kind of, you know, laying that on thick. Real thick.

Like, good peanut butter thick. And just like nowadays, you discover a Nazi flag laying around. And inside of it is the spear that killed Christ. Right. Well, you know, that would wind up in Mexico. I like what they do here. It's clearly a swastika on this flag. But this movie's like, we can't show you a swastika.

But it's like, you'll know what it is. They'll know what it is. Eric, what did they do with that Nazi flag after they were done shooting? What did they do with it? Yeah. They destroyed it, right? Yeah, I think that's the trivia. Oh, because they didn't want, like, neo-Nazis to find it in the garbage.

Isn't that was an actual trivia point? Yes. They wanted, that was their good, there was a good deed in Constantine. Well, I like the idea that, like, neo-Nazis Rome Hollywood looking for, Rome-Hollywood's garbage. Where am I going to find one? Yeah, exactly. Hey, man, they're finding fucking plenty of them.

Yeah, don't worry about it. So this is like the cold open, I guess. And then we meet John Constantine, who's constantly smoking. And he's got a little buddy with him. It's a 2005 Shia Labouf. So that's cool. Playing a role written for Ernest Borgnine. Where's this, Chaz, Kramer?

And he's, like, wearing this newsboy cab, and he's a cab driver, and it's Shia Labov in 2005? Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. Come on in, Constantine. I just like that. That'd be so much better. Jump on board McCale's Navy, Constantine. I really do think this is a soft open for God-forsaken,

and mutt in that Indiana Jones movie. Oh, right. Because he's just the cool kid who's next to him for one scene and then another scene at the end. Oh, do you think they're dipping their toe in the water? Like, how much can audience his stomach is? Test, you got a test, man. That was the idea?

So he's terrible. Oh, you know who it should be, though? Speaking of famed cab drivers, David Johansson. Oh, Buster Poindexter. You have to say Buster Poindexter. You can't say David Johan. I can't say the New York Dolls, David Johansson. No, no, no, no.

All right, well, Buster Poindexter. famed comedian and famed cab driver as well paranormal cab driver that's exactly right he was a ghost in that movie exactly he's born for it they should have a ghost cab driver like because he hangs out with deep well he fights demons maybe can be cool with ghosts does he have a beef with ghosts he's not a dress

he seems friendly with everybody honestly like witch doctors angels whoever everybody knows his name like he's michael fucking jordan they're like oh my god it's john constantine okay you'd think he would need to keep a low profile is there like

a paranormal newsletter that goes out like how do people know each other in the biz yeah dude it's called the Gouly Gazette

what would be like a Jordan jersey in that like it would be like a Bible that says John Conce came on it

his rookie card yeah so it's like the movie has to tell you what this character does so it's like we're going to see

him out on just a regular mission before like this big you know battle between heaven and hell it's just like, oh, he's going to cover this little exorcism case.

So cut to an apartment. This woman has been infringing on the copyright of the exorcist. For a while now, it seems. Yeah, she's like, you know, she's dancing on the ceiling. The whole bit her mother is very upset about it. Dancing on the ceiling. Being a ghost. Do you know how that song goes?

No, not at all. I know that those words are in it. Being a ghost? No. Be the Ghost is in the Lionel Ritchie song. It's about a haunted house. Is it really? Yeah, it's about this haunted ass hotel.

Oh, there's definitely a fucking ghost in this room. Any paranormal sightings since you guys have been here, by the way? Lord knows actresses have been murdered in this hotel. Chairs tipped over, anything? No. Nothing yet. Well, fingers crossed for paranormal activity. Two.

Three to like nine or something, right? The ghost dimension. Oh, Jesus. Ghost dimension two still spooking. What? Were they all ghost dimension? I don't know, man. Who can be watching those movies?

No, no. Ghosts? People that, they leave the TV on and the ghost just happens to see it? Oh, you think, like, Alamo Draft House is going to have a ghost-only screening of the new paranormal activity? Oh, a lot of living people will be really upset about that.

Oh, yeah, good luck with your screening that I can't get into. Ghosts only, huh? Man, dudes are terrible, huh? Fucking shitheads. So, yeah, he's... So he's got to exercise this demon, right? Yeah, and I mean, like, yeah,

so he does it. there's a big, luckily there's like a 50-foot mirror in this lady's apartment. It's like this like shithole apartment, but we also have like grandma's mirror, I guess. Well, just because you have a bad apartment doesn't mean you don't want to like look nice head to toe before you go outside. I guess that's a good point. It looked expensive is what I'm getting at. Okay. It's a family heirloom.

I think his first line in the movie is John Constantine. Asshole. Which lets you know really quickly that he's a really cool dude. Yes. Oh, because he's calling people assholes while he's on the job. I thought he was introducing himself as an asshole. Oh, like, Junk, comma, asshole. Esquire.

So, I mean, you know, what is to say? He does this exorcism. It's unimpressive. They throw the mirror out the window. I love movies wherein, like, they create a really unnecessary rule structure, and they're like, oh, my God, the demons are, the truce. And you're like, wait, what truce? I have no idea what anyone's talking about.

So it doesn't mean anything to me. I mean, I guess you had to read the comics to know about the truce. No, I don't even think that's true. Really? Okay. Maybe you had to read the Bible. Oh, that's where you find all the little Easter eggs, pun intended. To be fair, and I apologize to anyone that's not super Catholic, but this is one of your classic paranormal movies wherein Catholicism's totally right.

It was Catholicism the whole time. It's the one true religion. It is. It's always like, yeah, it's fun. Twas the Pope did it. Because, like, all these demons are super afraid. to Jesus as well they should be. Sure.

There's like brass knuckles with crosses on them, which is really... Yeah, dude, that's badass Catholicism. This is like, you know, Vatican II shit. Vatican 2 now with brass knuckles? We're going to introduce brass knuckles with the cross on there. You punch a demon in the face.

Okay, so we're not going to do the mess in Latin anymore. And we're going to face the congregation and the brass knuckles will be introduced. we'd be playing a kid rock in the back they might as well go for it they've committed so many other crimes yeah dude that's a lesser crime assault is a lesser crime I grew up with an old school Italian priest then that guy

love slapping kids in the face all right just like a little like ah how you do it yeah it would just be like a p p pf you know and he thought it was like fucking cute or maybe you're just you're just hitting kids maybe the one time it was going to be a demon that's what he's trying to figure out you oh wow he's trying to shake out a demon yeah Steve met a priest that went to jail or something. Yeah, I did.

It was a classic, like, spotlight thing. A classic spotlight thing. Well, you know. FYI. No, it was. Because this guy was, like, he was a really creepy priest who would, like, squeeze your hand yet again, being unnecessarily aggressive. Like, the push your knuckles together bit. Power move.

Power move. Also, see if they fight back a little bit, you know. And then all of a sudden, he was gone. And then we found out years later that they were. doing that thing, where they just moved him from church to church. He's not here no more. Oh, so it was a classic spotlight thing. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was exactly a spotlight thing. So he successfully exercises the demon to get stuck in a mirror, which we're never really explained what the deal is there. I think the mirror dimension, that's paranormal activity, six. Well, the mirror is always uglier. At least I find it that way. Can we talk about something else? Sure, go ahead.

There's a lot of text at the beginning. beginning of this and there's a quotation by nobody attributed to nobody and in aerial font oh do you think that was it do you think that was an Alan Moore quote but he wanted his name written off so they just couldn't

use it yeah it might be it you know what then just don't it doesn't add anything to this movie no I'm not like wow you know this movie was bad but you know would have made it better if they had an anonymous quote at the beginning of it what is saved the whole thing spend some money on a custom fucking font aerial

Please. It looks like temp shit. It was temp shit. And then they were like, oh, wait a second. Like the text company calls, they're like, is Constantine out? Because we didn't send you the, what, you released that movie? Only half the graphics are in at this point, too. We're so focused on the font.

Does anyone remember what the quote was? No, I have no idea. Who cares? I mean, it was like some, you know, bullshit. Oh, an evil and good will wage war and who gives a shit. Dark and light. You know, we're also probably used. I could use a scroll here.

I would love a scroll. This needs a scroll. Now, normally we are anti-Skroll, but every once in a while, especially when your movie world is built around confusing gobbledy-gook, nothing. When your movie is bullshit. Yeah, a scroll can come in handy,

and you hire James Earl Jones, you get it done in a day, and this movie might make a little more sense. You get Max von Seidow to, like, you know. Very good shows. From time immemorial, movies have been ripping off the Exorcist. Remember when I was in that? They got an actual ghost to do the scroll.

No, I keep telling you, he's not dead yet. Oh, really? Do not worry about Max von Simey. Oh, no. He's had a long life. So, yeah, I mean, we, Constantine lives above a bowling alley. That is a, that is a scarier hell

than any hell dimension we see in this movie. Is this guy living above a bowling alley? Can you imagine the constant falling of pan? the smell. A Simpsons joke. A Simpsons joke found its way into the middle of this fucking movie.

But it's a plot point because his other buddy works there too. It's a ghostly bowling alley, I think. I think John Constantine has an owner's share in that bowling alley.

That's what it is. I mean, why else would you live above it? You would almost have to own it. And you know, okay, hunting demons is not going to pay your bills. No, I wouldn't imagine.

Anyone looking to get into that? I'm just saying, don't quit your day job. That's my biggest. thing, right? How at the beginning of this movie is it known to Constantine that he has to come check out this exorcism? Does he even add in the phone book? Are there like, you know,

park bench banners, like a law firm? He really just seems to sense it like a dog. He's just roaming around and bumping into these people. Sometimes he gets tipped off by Chaz or Papa Midnight. Yeah. Or maybe it's just like, up. Constantine's bowling alley. Oh, oh no, a

demon. Okay. And so we got one situation. Oh, that checks out. His friend Beeman would be doing that. Yeah, his bee friend. Is the guy a bee? Oh my God, I'm a bee. No, I don't think so.

Jerry Seinfeld, I'm a bee now. I don't think he's a bee. I just think he's a creep that works at a bowling alley. Wouldn't it be something if Jerry Seinfeld was resurrected as a bee? Karma Kramer. Seinfeld before Seinfeld, he's a bee now. So we also in this movie have Rachel Weiss, and she's a police officer, and she also, for a little bit of time, plays her twin sister, who immediately commits suicide in this movie. Yes.

And it's a really great Christ imagery of her falling off, a building into a crucifix-shaped pool, which is nice. Just really, this is the subtlest film of all time. It's just like the end of the game, man. Now you learn. Now you learn. That would be great if, like, Rachel Weiss hits the water, right? And then Sean Penn comes out like, happy birthday. Oh, no.

Okay. The game's gone horribly wrong. There are so many ways Michael Douglas jumping off a building is not a good idea. For a birthday present or just in general? Just for a birthday present specifically. Like, oh, shit, he missed it and now he's dead. What a great prank. There were a lot of pyres.

around that area. He could have gone at any time. But I guess they didn't like him that much, so that was kind of the point. Like, he's either going to learn his lesson or he'll be dead. It was supposed to be a life-changing experience. Oh, it was. You stop being less shitty. That's what suicide is all about. Could someone

do the game to Donald Trump? That'd be fun. Oh, my God. He'd like drop dead of a heart attack halfway through it, though. Also, yeah, it's a win-win. I couldn't imagine him actually jumping on the building. He'd only do it if you could take a bucket of chicken with him. I'm close

to the edge. Okay, chicken sweetens the pie. If you throw that AFC off the edge, I might do it. I might do it. You can trick him like a really stupid dog like you have a drumstick and then you just throw it and he just goes.

Again, dog into it. Mouth first. Oh no, I accidentally shot Jared. I am definitely not jumping off the White House now. No, that's please let's cover it out. So it's important to mention in the bowling alley scene, though, so this little dude comes up,

and it's one of these annoying characters and these kinds of movies that has... He travels the globe procuring garbage that nobody wants. We're treating this like it's Constantine 2 or 3. Yes, big problem. I need a Constantine origin story up front, man. If we have to spend endless amounts of films seeing Ben Parker get assassinated,

you can give me one movie of John Constantine's origin story. Just one. Please. There's too much here to comprehend. And this is the B-Man. friend who works at his bowling alley. Yeah, and he's like, I have the cloth of this, the fucking iron ball of that, the tears of this.

Dragon's breath. Oh, dragons breath. This is a big problem. So now we have dragons in this world? It's not only Christian mythology dragons as well. Okay. That's a little too jam-packed. Listen, there's two kinds of movie worlds. One movie world in where dragons exist and another movie world

in where dragons do not exist. Constantine, the film, It's firmly rooted in the world Inward dragons do not exist. I don't know. I mean, they have dragons breath. Maybe in the Crusades. Right?

That's like a nice prologue, right? Like it just starts, the Middle Ages. Right. Everything was fucked up and there were dragons. And it's Keanu Reeves. He's got really long hair. He's wearing a cool fest. And he slays a dragon.

Is this an ancestor or? Yes, it would definitely be an ancestor. Right, okay. Well, actually, maybe keep it ambiguous. like, does he live forever? Well, maybe it's like his... Okay, so that guy dies in the Crusades. And then the ghost comes out

and, like, possesses a kid in the future and it just makes him look like Keanu Reeves. Oh, his face just contorts and then he looks like Keanu Reeves. I would love to get possessed by that ghost. I'll take it, man. I honestly don't even think they did his origin story

in that stupid TV show. I think it just opened with him doing it again. They did a Hellblazer TV show, right? And it lasted what? Four episodes? That was also called Constantine. Because apparently name recognition means nothing. H.E. Double Hockey sticks, man.

You can't be saying that on television. What, really? I don't know. Maybe. There's like a title, because you can definitely just obviously say it on TV. Someone's making a phone call. Can you imagine that? Or you just called the show, Hell. That would be great.

And then you have like a newscaster like, well, that's the news for the night. Coming up on NBC, hell. Well, isn't it weird that there's that Lucifer show and nobody gives a shit? Like, everyone's like, oh my God, Harry Potter. That's worshipping the devil. And then they have like the devil hour And no one notices You know why? Because he's sexy

And that devil fucks. Oh, okay. Yeah. That devil fucks hard, dude. That show is essentially just entourage Without the nudity. Wait, is turtle involved? He's got buddies. They are witches, but they're buddies mostly.

Oh shit, bro. I'm the Lord of the Underworld. That's ridiculous. Actually, you know one of the biggest shocks of this year I saw an ad that said The Season Premier of Lucifer? And I was like, get out of it. True. Yeah. No, I know. Yeah. That made it.

Quite amazing. I bet that show shows him sinning, which is a bad thing. But the Harry Potter movies are such like, oh, they're having, their kids having fun, doing the good thing. When they're not, they're doing witchcraft. That's sinning. It's glamorizing it. I think that's the issue. I think that's the issue? Okay. Yes. And it's not a Catholic world, I think. Or a Catholic, not Catholic. Catholic? Catholic world opening soon. Yes. Once Marvel leaves Universal Studios

They're going to make a Catholic world It's the Hulk ride Now it's the Rock of Gibraltar I don't know When me and my kids wrote the Passion of the Cross That was such a fun ride man Or the Stations of the Cross I don't know

Yeah it's 13 of those or 12 We could adapt them all the fucking rides So Rachel Weiss kill Rachel Vice Van dies Rachel Vice 2 lives Yes Detective Vice

Detective Vice I just want to mention There's a ridiculous detail when that dude is peddling his wares. One of the things he gives away to John Constantine is bullet shavings from a Pope assassination attempt. Why does that have any kind of paranormal significance? I miss that line. That's great.

Wouldn't that help the bad guys? Yeah, I don't know why. Maybe he's just getting it off the streets. Oh, that's good. He's going to lock it away somewhere is the idea? Even if you take a shot at a Pope, that bullet then becomes like magical? Yeah.

Oh, it grazed my hat. There's residual magic. First of all, you get near a pope. There's like an aura. Okay. And who else but a demon would try to take a shot at a pope? That's a good point. Well, that's why everybody wants to touch him,

but he can't because he's in the enclosure because everybody wants to be magic. Yeah, exactly. They turn into wizards if they just touch the pope. It rubs off. That's true. That's how we're able to do one living pope and now, wait, two living popes now, right?

There's a Benedict. I think they're both. He's retired. Yeah, that one guy quit. I'm saying he, like, gave the magic. So when you were like, Francis had to rub up and down on Pope Benedict. Uh-huh. Like static electricity or something?

Oh, yeah. Until the hat got big. Oh, he sort of like shook his feet on the floor and then touched him. Exactly. Now you are the Pope. And then the white smoke came off and we were ready to rumble, man. He was billowing out of his head. Yeah.

That's how that works. Yeah. Yeah. Checks out. So Rachel Weiss, like, basically runs it to John Constantine. John Constantine, by the way, because of all the cigarettes, he has lung cancer. Oh, no.

This is saying something. And he knows he's going to go to hell because long time ago, John Constantine tried to kill himself and the God is awfully literal. Like, he died for two seconds. The guy, counts as a suicide. He's like, yeah, but I'm alive. It's still like alive. It's like thought crimes.

Yeah, I guess so. No, dead for two minutes, man. That counts. I have rules if you're not going to enforce them. God was the first to say that. He had ten of them, remember? Yeah, that's true. They gave it to that guy on the mountain.

Carry these fucking rocks down, that one thing? Yeah, that guy. The guy on the mountain. Moses. Oh, Moses, of course. I have a bullet from a Moses assassination attempt. And it's really magical. Is that time traveler?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Assassinated with what, a slingshot? No, a bullet, a real gun. Oh, really, a real gun? It was a Glock. Wow. How about that? The rest of biblical knowledge.

She runs into him at a church. She wants to see a priest. And John Constantine wants to meet the angel Gabriel, played by a hammie Tilda Switten. Which is cool. Yeah, she's kind of fun. It's nice to see him to show up in this movie slum in it. That's fine.

You said that she looks like Wes Anderson in this movie, kind of? She does. It's really amazing. She's got this suit on. There's a big, hilarious, like, flamboyantly tied necktie. And she's got clearly Anderson haircut. Yeah.

She looks like Wes Anderson if Wes Anderson was the angel Gabriel. You know, like he comes out of the sky,

only the kinks and Bob Dylan are playing. You know, there's a bunch of little animated stop motion foxes. If Wes Anderson was one of those

fantastic beasts wizards, because she has these long coat tails going in. Yeah, that's an impressive coat. I'm easily impressed by cool coats.

Welcome to Hellblazer. Impressive coats. No, man, if it was a store called Hellblazer, all of the jackets have flames on them, like Guy Fierre shirts. See, they're like blue flames, a set of dice. Oh, yeah, like a studded... Slot machines?

Oh, slot machines, yes. Palm trees. Skulls with fake rubies in the eyes. Kind of like what he's wearing here next to me. It's great. I love that shirt. This one? Yeah. It's a Planet Hollywood shirt,

and I figured while I'm visiting. your planet, I would try to fit in. I think, isn't that the shirt, there's a funny photo, like, you can find it on Google of Jackie Chan wearing that exact same shirt? That's right. This exact one, you gave it to me. Two Titans. The 1990s were fucking wild, dude.

Just look at that thing. That is cocaine and endless dreams. So we find out that Tilda Swinton is like, you know, she's like, sorry, Constantine, you're going to die, you're going to go to hell. And apparently, there's a rumor going around that Constantine is the only soul the devil will come up himself and collect.

Wow, did you read that in the Gully Gazette? I guess so. Everyone knows this. Everyone's talking about what the devil might do when Constantine dies. I mean, that's like the devil's really got to hate that guy then. He's going to personally come up and facilitate his death or whatever. Or just like taking him down to hell, man.

Yeah, well, because like that didn't happen to Tony Goldwyn at the end of ghost. Devil didn't come up for that guy. He went down coach. This is like a prime. Private jet. Basic economy. What about like Hitler? Hitler, the devil, didn't.

Was he busy that day? No, that was a personal appearance. A personal appearance? Oh, guaranteed. Guaranteed. I mean, so from here we go into, he goes to Papa Midnight at this point. Yeah, we finally, we meet up with the funny thing about this.

You hear me sighing loudly down there, Steve? Yeah, I hear you. Okay. Jim and Hunsu plays Papa Midnight, and a couple years later, who's in Guardians of the Galaxy, and he was doing press for it, like, oh, you know, it's just amazing

to finally be in a comic book movie. And it was just like, you know, my kids love comic books. And I was just, you know, all these great comic movies come out. And I was like, excuse me. Constantine? Anybody, Constantine? He was doing this where, at a presser or at like Comic Con or something? Yeah, he was just like, yeah, it's so cool to be finally part of a comic book movie.

And no nerd was like, are you kidding me? No, I wasn't there. Oh, excuse me. Hellblazer fan club member Number 6,8, 274. There's not that many Hellblazer fans. 300 hands in the back of Hall H. Just jut up.

They boot him right off the stage, man. So what is this character? This guy, he runs a nightclub now, but he used to be a witch doctor. That's a movie I want. That transition. I would prefer that. He's a reformed witch doctor, and apparently he deals with both sides, angels and demons, the whole run the gamut.

It's that annoying thing where it's a movie. It's a guy in like a world of warring factions and he decides to be the neutral party. And someone in the screenplay has to be like, and in this case, it's of course Keanu Reeves, you're supposed to be Switzerland. You're Switzerland. God damn it, you're neutral. Every time we're talking about neutrality, it's got to be like, Switzerland. Remember Switzerland's global neutrality.

Okay, go. Turns out they liked Nazi gold. That's what I keep hearing. Yeah. That's what neutrality is. Yeah, that's basic neutrality. You also get in this scene, noted Thespian Gavin Rosdale. Ooh.

Of Bush fame. Yeah. One of a few delicacies of him on screen, you'll see. He does a lot of TV, and he was in the blingering as well. Oh, really? But this is really the jewel. Oh, no, he's swinging for the fences. He loves to be a demon.

he... He's a half demon. He's a half demon. We're saying half breed a lot in this movie? Yeah, that's weird. Way too much. Yeah. Like once is like, ooh, a lot is like, that's saying something.

Everybody is slinging it around. And it's like, who are these writers? What's that about? Shail LeBuff, who's in this movie barely at all, shows up to say that one. Well, he loves saying stuff like that. That's the thing. Oh, right.

I heard about that. They got a little hot water. Pushing the paranormal buttons, apparently. I believe you have a quote from Gavin Rothdale on the craft of acting. This is, I mean, this is one of three movies this man was in. So this is two quotes that I put together, and I feel like they just sum up so much. Was he being interviewed about being in Constantine?

I believe he was just like during... It was about his music, and he just interjected. Somebody asked him about it might have been that, or it might have been around the blingring. I do not know. Don't have dates on this. Okay. However, this is the quote.

Okay. poorly sourced i love to i love to act and i find it very inspiring and it was a case of waiting to find the right thing that i wanted to do and that wanted me oh shit this movie spoke to him like god himself um and this this is the better this is the second half and this is the better one i'm not prepared to be in a bad film just just to keep my foot in the door so i'm relying on a great part coming along, and the problem is, I want every role that Benicio del Toro does. So I'm fucked until he wants to take a holiday. So the only thing stopping...

Benicio del Toro is holiday. The only thing stopping Gavin Rosdale from being Benicio del Toro is Benicio del Toro himself. He's got to take him out, man. If you take a shot of Benicio del Toro, that bullet's haunted. Oh, yeah, definitely.

So Gavin Rosdell must have been like so pissed off watching Secario. Oh, yeah. He's like, I could have done that. But then he's getting even more mad dude, because before Secario starts, there was a commercial for Heineken, and he was like, fuck, he's in those two! Academy Award nominated movies and shitty

beer commercials. But I really understand why this movie spoke to him, because it appears to be adapted from his music video for Greedy Fly. It does, actually. It's very close. It's the same thing. I mean, he's shorter. It's better. Yes. Better. He has two wonderful lines in this movie that,

and his performance, one, is Constantine comes in, and he's like, oh, hello, Constantine. His name is Balthazar, by the way. Yes. Balthazar Getty? No. No, no, no. And he's like, oh, hello, Constantine.

Rumor is, you're on your way down. Mm, finger-licking good. And it's like, ew. I don't think anybody told Gavin Rosdale what finger-looking good means. Because one, finger-looking good can only be a thing that was invented by Americans. But, too, that's like, oh, that's finger-licking good. This guy and this movie, it's not one, it's not the two, but it's the three, and it's the, um, pop, finger-licking good.

You know what? Take two. How about we try that again? And somebody tell this poor man what finger-licking good means, and he doesn't fist himself in front of a movie camera. Would you correct Berniceo del Toro? He would know not to fist himself. He's been down that road. So, yeah, I mean, we're Constantineing around. He meets Rachel Weiss.

She's like, you're the only guy. Like, oh, before his sister killed herself, she just looked into a security camera. The security camera did a zoom. And it also has, it has, plenty of close up. Haunted security. Like the security guards are ghosts. And it also had audio, which is also super haunted. And she goes, Constantine, jump, which is what I would do if I was in Constantine.

I would say Constantine. and then kill myself. Stephen, why are you killing yourself? Constantine. Here's the thing, though, about this security footage, right? There is the pan, there's a Zoom. Now, I would like to kind of ground this scene in reality. Okay, go ahead.

The reality of this, like, Los Angeles that the movie takes place in it, and not, like, ghost world, right? Theoretically, then, there's a security guard who's watching this monitor, and he's like, oh, no, a woman on the roof at night where she shouldn't be and she's in a mental hospital by the way she doesn't put that out there

and this guy's got like a little joystick or something and he's like let's see where this goes she's walking and she's walking and she's getting on the ledge what's she doing out on that ledge better zoom in what's she gonna do what she oh oh oh darn I left my glasses

at home let me see who is that what is she doing on the ledge did she just say Constantine It's going to be one less mouth to feed, one last cage to lock up at night. I was saying, like, the administration of this mental hospital was like, that's cool.

But the pool's fucked up. There's all glass in the pool. You ever try to get glass out of a pool? No, I have not. Have you? That takes a long time. First of all, you're in an old, creepy mental institution in Los Angeles. The last thing you need is a crucifix-shaped pool.

You are asking for the son of the devil to come out of that. You are asking for it. Is it cross-shaped or is it crucifix with actual like Jesus's arm? You get like an elbow in there? No, that's like that's like the bottom of the pool. Like sometimes you can have like neat pebbles and shit. It's just the crucifixion scene at the bottom of this pool liner. Somebody has that.

Some mega pastor asshole has that. It's going to be a Catholic world. We're getting it together. Oh shit, it's like a holy water slide. Damn right it is. blessed daily, daily blessings. Yeah, so like she's, she like, she needs Constantine to help her out. And one of the easiest places to get to in Constantine is hell itself.

Like, all you need is a pot of water and a dream. Like, literally, they just get. And a tabby cat, because they're all evil anyway, I guess. That's John Constantine himself says that cats at all times already have one foot in hell. So she barely. He's a dog guy. She barely knows John Constantine. He's like, okay, I'm going to come into your house, and I'm going to go to hell.

I'm going to check up your sister's there. Because I guess it's small. It's just like, Isabella? You here? The world of hell in this movie is like no bigger than like a wreck center. You can get around really easy. You can see everybody right there. We got to save the rec center, man.

And he's like, okay, okay, I'm going to take your count. and this pot of water and you need to leave your apartment. Like, no, I'm not leaving my apartment. I don't know who you are. No. And also, it doesn't matter if she leaves. He's got like performance anxiety.

That's the only reason. What happens if you're in that room? Like, what happens? Oh, does she see this little rec center hell too? I guess so. It's very windy hell in this movie. I don't like it. It looks like a Resident Evil movie.

Yeah. There's just like dust storms and whatnot. They said they designed it off the look of, you know, what happens after an atomic bomb hits. Yeah, sure. You know what? That's great. That's just fucking great.

Say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want. It's coming soon, by the way. Oh, God. No, but like, it can do no creative license. Like, you don't have to, you don't have to, like, design hell at all. It's just, you know, brown and tan, nothing. Yeah, and there's a bunch of demons with, like, no heads or whatever.

Those are pretty spooky. The character design and all of this is wretched. Yeah. It's lazy and wretched. From the aerial font on down. it's all really bad so he walks like a block is oh there she is hey you're in hell okay got it and it it comes back great that's great and she's back in hell and it's much like a like a nightmare in elmstreet man like you can bring something out of the dream oh right because she like she like cuts off her little

medical bracelet and lets that go to the hell wind and he sort of like grabs it and then it's a weird like he's pushing the like a ejector seat he's got this ball full of holy water that he smashes against his chest and it, like, brings him back. Sure. But he pulled it out. He pulled this medical bracelet out of hell. And that's the proof that your sister killed herself. So now this gives her the confidence in the trust to let him ground her.

Yeah, the second, we go to hell so much. It's three times. Something like that. At least three times. It can't be that bad if you can go there three times. It really can. Go there and come back. I mean, that's the key to it.

And by the way, at the same time this has happened, Maybe that's why everybody in hell hates Constance. You're like, oh, there's that fucking looky-loo again. Get out of here. Get out of here, weekend warrior. It's a private drive, fucker. I'm just trying to fucking, I'm just trying to be in hell here. Please, get out.

Shoe, Hellblazer, shoe. We don't want you here anymore. There's a character played by Pruitt, Taylor, Vince, who's just this kind of like utilitarian, character actor. He's like a priest slash like assistant to Constantine. He's an alcoholic priest named Father Hennessy.

Father Hennessy, that stinks. It's like a fake character, not from the comics. But he also like, he's like some sort of psychic, so he's like trying to find out with Rachel Weiss and he's like got his hands all over these newspapers, looking for a news story, looking through all of these newspapers at the same time without reading,

which is what you could do on the internet. You can just go like, you can just type suicide on the internet and get like a bunch of news stories. Here's the thing though. I don't think that Constantine knows that that's what this dude's doing. He thinks like this guy's because he hires him. He's like, all right, listen, I need you to hit

the streets. I need you to start, you know, go around ask some questions, check with all your sources. This dude's back home just fondling newspapers. He's got to be on Constantine's payroll. If John Constantine knew what this dude was up to, that's trouble. Well, no, he's just feeding the habit, I think. Just buying him in bottles.

I just feel like he also works at the bowling. alley. Maybe everybody works at the bowling alley. He sprays the shoes. I would love a movie. Father Hennessy, these, you've got the men and the women in the same bucket. This is bad, man. This is bad, dude. Father Hennessy, it's Saturday, right?

Yeah. And it's a midnight. Where's the fucking black light rock and ball lights? We're trying to attract a younger crowd. Man, do I have to do everything? You know, this is a quick way to get you busted down to Manning the hot dog roller. Oh man. Man, that's a

low post at a bowling alley. Now take care of those rowdy teens in lane six. I'm so sick of it. Rowdy teens in lane six. There's no teens at that bowling alley. There might be. No, so the reason I brought this character up is because he has a hilarious murder.

Yeah. He's like chased by demons into a liquor store. That's not been there. No, he's chased by actual demons, not chased by his own demon. you could do you could get both no it's it's this weird thing where he says to Constantine at one point

like I drink because it suppresses the demons or whatever and he's I guess he's cursed and I mean this is a big curse he's trying to like chug liquor out of a bottle but he doesn't the liquor's not coming out it's a very confusing and shockingly stupid sequence

yeah and then all the CGI liquid starts coming out like after he leaves and like I don't know Try dropping one bottle in a liquor store. See how long they keep you in there. That's what I don't understand. This guy is like a bull in a china shop, man. If you're in a liquor store and you sort of like even just brush up against something,

that clerk is on your ass. So he thought he was drinking. He thought there was nothing coming out of the bottles. But it turned out she was chugging everything. Yeah. He was chugging everything. White wine, you know, vanilla scotch, all this shit. Oh, God.

Nilla scotch. Oh, man. Is that a Tom Cruise movie? Vanilla Scott And he dies Before he does He takes a corkscrew into his hand It jams it kind of makes a little message for Constantine

It's the sign of the Zodiac killer If anyone was keeping track It definitely is It totally is What does that mean? Is he confessing? Oh maybe he was the Zodiac the whole time you think Yeah I mean it's California That's true

The Zodiac might be here shit It might be Hey wouldn't it be cool if this movie was him fighting the Zodiac killer coming out of hell. He's trying to come back. Why not? Like Zodie Returns.

Yeah. That's a better movie. Sure. He is, as he's dying, Kevin Rosdale is acting with his eyes, which is really good. And he's like watching him die. And then apparently there are both demons on the world

and angels. And this guy who's an angel also just works at a liquor store. It's a bum rap, dude. Well, they're everywhere, Steve. Oh, okay. It's like wings of desire. Oh, okay.

But if you're an angel, man, and you come down to earth to protect people and they're like, all right, you're assigned to liquor store. That sucks. It seems like an area that might need it, right? Oh, that's actually true. Yeah, don't go to that liquor store, man. That guy's going to try and talk you out of it. Every fucking time.

We handling you pamphlets. It's going to be a fat scene. He wouldn't last long, though, working at a liquor store, turning away all the customers. That's true. Like, hey, why don't you just call your mom? Wait, maybe the objective is to close liquor stores down. Oh, okay. Just shut them all down. But then, like, the manager over here is it one day, and he's like, hey, Greg, I thought

we had mentioned that this business is about selling liquor, not turning people off of drinking for all times. Hey, hey, hey, hey, we fuel addictions here, okay? That's what we do. You peddle booze, lottery tickets, and, yeah, you'll cash you. that woman's check for her. You will do that. Because once you cash it, that's more money

she can spend on booze, Greg. That's sad. It is sad, man. That's the liquor store at slash angel business. So this movie's got a real soggy middle. Like a lot of stuff

just sort of keeps happening. But you know what's refreshing about this soggy middle? Shailabuff just goes on vacation or something. It's almost like he shouldn't have been in the movie at all. That's weird.

It's like a play. Like he's just backstage smoking. cigarette. Power. What are you doing? You're joking that thing to death down there or what? I don't know. I think my jokes are so good they're trying to mute me. I think it's...

Exactly. It's the ghosts. He's like, oh my God, they might die if they hear all of these great jokes. During a public service. So the other thing is like Constantine gets like attacked by a crab monster, which is kind of fun. A fly guy?

Wasn't it like locust or something? Isn't that a Bible bad guy? Hey, you know what, guys? Everybody's a little right. But locusts, right? That's one of the famous villains of the Bible. Yes. It's a level two villain in the Bible.

Oh, and your card set villains of the Bible. It's not like the Joker, but maybe it's like Riddler. I don't know. Yeah, like a penguin. Well, what about, so like the locusts are really up there? What's this blue crab? What level is he at? He's like top five.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, really? You think I'm more of a calendar man. Calendar man. At the end of the, he beats this crab monster. And at the end, like, Keanu Reeves, like, kicks a crab at the camera. Did he really kick a crab, you think?

No, that was a cartoon. Oh, did he kick the cartoon? That was 10,000% a cartoon. Are you kidding me? I don't know. Maybe it's like, I fucking hate crabs. No, no. Francis, get the pita guy.

Distract the pita guy. I am going to punt a crab right now. Dude, that's actually, you just gave me a great. I thought how many times are people on films that's trying to distract the pita guy? Oh, my God, so many times. Gary, look, shove that dog in the pool. Oh, man.

What was that movie? A dog's purpose? Yeah, dog swimmer? They were killing dogs on it. I think a dog's purpose was correct. Hey, Ted, there's a great party going on over there. Get Ray Winstone on that horse now. Now! Get Ray Winstone.

Spine shattered? the idea? Oh, that horse's spine was like that when it got here. Pay no mind this quadriplegic horse. Yeah, horses' spines, they do that all the time. They go in and out.

Yeah, I like that. So Beeman dies also. He also gets killed. Murdered in a bowling alley. That's a terrible place to die, isn't it? Yeah, he dies where like the pins get retracted, kind of. And I kind of want to see him go in that in those gears.

That'd be pretty cool. Chew him up. That would have been great. You're just talking about his office is back there. Is that like the standard place for a bowling alley office? I guess so. Behind the pin returns thing. I really don't think so.

I really, really don't think so. It just sounds really noisy. You know what I mean? It's a really noisy place to hold business. You can't have a conference call back there. And he's got like all these weird jars and fucking wine glasses hanging from the ceiling. Cabin, don't kid yourself. man, he's saving his own piss.

Okay. What? He's a weird guy, man. This looks like hoarders back there. Okay. It really does. I'm surprised he wasn't murdered by a falling stack of newspapers. They find him he has pika. He's just eating the phone book. But some of that piss, you know, he was a collector of artifacts, like a hoarder would be. And some of that piss might be like, you know, relevant to Constantine's business. That's the Pope's piss. Yes, thank you. Or a bishop. That might do something.

A bishop. I don't know that you need a bishop's urine, man. You can get Mel Gibson's urine. That's pretty holy. Oh, yeah, that shit's flammable. Burning with the fire of 10,000 years of hate. Whatever, that guy's a racist. Yeah, huh?

Oh, this is, so now is the time where Rachel Weiss must be drowned to return to hell. Well, there's a weird backstory where, like, the one sister, the twin who committed suicide, was very open about, I can see dead people. And the other Rachel Vise character, the police officer, was like, no, that's not happening. And eventually she sort of suppresses this power. So John Constantine's idea is like,

hey, to kickstart this gift, let's drown you in the tub. And she lets him. You invite a guy who lives above a bowling alley to your house, and he's like, all right, the only way you can see hell is if I put you in this. I'm going to send you to hell.

Just imagine, like, the cops were just like, he got another one. Oh, my God. Oh, no, it's the bathtub bandit. He struck again. You know, he passes himself off as a paranormal investigator just to drown women in tubs.

I don't know how they keep falling for it. What a ridiculous thing. This is also one of the creepiest parts of the movie because he's like, get in the tub and then to which she responds do I need to take my clothes off

to which John Constantine looks at the floor and freezes and then she says something about like oh I'm waiting for an answer and he goes I'm thinking and they kind of both laugh about it and then everybody kind of just gets in that tub

everybody gets in the tub just Rachel Weiss and then like you know he gets his hands and to grab her by the ankles because she starts to struggle which is a big problem to your point it's correct when like you're asking someone to get into a tub now is not the time for a fun sexy joke

no you're planning to cross over into the hell dimension save the yuckles for another time just maybe take this seriously we're trying to avoid the birth of the antichrist maybe take it back a bit oh so that's what this movie's about that's what the end is oh okay yeah because basically the spear

of destiny there's this uh there's a bad dude crossing over from Mexico with the spear of death Destiny, yeah, which basically is the spear that like cut open to Jesus. So it's got some Jesus blood on it, which is like, that's like Pope's piss times 10. Jesus blood? Oh, yeah, dried Jesus blood flakes. Oh, yeah, man.

Absolutely. That's powerful stuff. Beeman's been bidding on that on eBay for so long. Man, if you're bidding on that on eBay, you're getting ripped off. That might just be fake. Oh, do you think that this dude is also collecting like potato chips that looked like Jesus? Oh, totally. And some Elvis ones in there, too?

Oh, yeah, he was spiritual because he's a ghost now. A pancake that looks like awesome else. So everyone becomes spiritual when they're a ghost? Yes. Because you cross, you become something different, right? Yeah, that's what it goes in Catholicism? I think so. It's something, right?

It is something. That sounds right. So, yeah, she also, like, everyone keeps visiting her sister in hell. Like, it's just a lot of fans. I think the sister should be turning around and being like, will you just let my torture begin? Stop bothering me with all these pop-ins. Let's just get down to the eternity of torture.

It's really like your freshman year of college and it's your first week and your parents keep on visiting every day. Like, come on, I'm trying to grow a new community here in hell. I'm trying to develop a new identity in hell. Please leave me alone. Jeffrey Dahmer's like, my gosh, she's pretty popular. Look at this new girl getting all these visitors.

Well, this is just strange. Nobody's coming to visit me. Fresh fish. So, yeah. She pops back into the real world and breaks that tub post-haste. That shatters this iron tub. It's a powerful spell. It's a hell kick, you know?

Hell kick. Yeah, hell kick. And Kanner Reeves is bummed at this point because he was planning and then after bringing her back from the hell dimension making a move in that tub. Yeah, now that's all over. You can't do that. No, yeah. He's like, I just rented the English patient.

they pulled it off Well that shows you how stupid it is You just saw hell Yeah let's get hot and heavy I don't know man You're this paranormal detective Weird things You know probably get you going

I guess I guess next is when we finally We realized that it's been Gavin Rosdale of Bush The whole time Like obviously And we go Confront him

I guess he's got an office Yeah because he's kind of a business man Okay Don't ask what kind of business This movie don't know Constantine don't know But he is the most well-dressed person In this movie

He looks fantastic This sexy fuck It's amazing It's really great And then Constantine blasts him With like I think the dragon's breath Or Who Gives a shit And he delivers my other favorite line

Which is fire I was born of this And I'm like wow That's a take two That's another take two So Gavin this time In the script it's fire comma, I was born of this.

Got it, got it, got it, got it. Fire, I was born of this. Fire is born of this. He's doing like his best Peter O'Toole impression in this movie. And it's like a little like James Masony too. Yeah. I don't know what he's, or he might just actually sound like this. Yeah, John Constantine, hello.

Oh, look at you like my three-piece suit. Got it at Hellblazers I did. Come on down to Hellblazers. you look like a shitty catering wait at John Constantine look at my suit so he kills him it's fun I mean yeah he like beats him up with these freaking stupid brass knuckles of the Lord

brought down from the mount as well it was two stone tablets and a pair of brass knuckles with crosses on them in case things get rough hey Moses Moses come here don't tell anybody don't tell anybody anything just take these if any if any Egyptians come up, you use them, all right? Don't worry about it.

You know, I use a switchblade and a blackjack just in case. Just in case. Wow, they are arming Moses to the teeth, dude. To the teeth. Just in case. Sodom and Gomorra was a fucked up place. That's a different story.

Oh, is it? Yeah, it's not like... They didn't, like, they didn't go together at all? They were, like, hanging out? No. He didn't, like, leave there. It's not two towns over. also wait a second because the make of this is the movie decides we're going to have like careful there bad CGI through all this

except for Gavin Ross to oh can we hear it wait do double time oh yeah we did it did anyone else do that this weekend I doubt it you're right he they decide the

filmmakers decide we're going to do this thing where it's bad, like, practical effects. So he's supposed to have half his face blasted with holy water. Sure. And the decision is just muck up that pretty face with some Nickelodeon gag. Because it's just this green, like, posthuous, gross nonsense. But everything else in this movie is bad computers.

Just make that with a bad computer, too. And then he also has, like, shark teeth at this point? Well, because you're seeing like his demon side coming. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he looks like Jaws from James Bond. Oh, he's a half-breed of this. Yeah, that's what they say. And at this point, Rachel Weiss gets kidnapped, and we don't know why. Because, well, I know why.

She was the woman in the movie, so Jessica, kidnapped. Oh, of course. That's how that works. Yeah, hey, hey. And then, like, Shilabov's like, hey, hi, I'm in the movie. And you go, hey, Shilabov. It's actually, like, shocking when he comes back into the movie. There's not even introduction.

He doesn't come back in the movie. He walks down a flight. of steps. Constantly walks down a flight of steps and he's just there again. I think they did the same shot, probably. Maybe if you watch the movie closely, he's just in the background all the time. Oh, he spends like 57 minutes of this movie playing Where's Waldo? Yes. He's in the bathtub

scene. Shia, move back farther. No, no, farther. Farther? Stand behind that fat guy. Okay, we're ready to roll. It's just like the strangers, man. Oh, that's creepy. Wait, how is that just like the stranger? Shirelobuff was hidden in every shot of that movie. That's why it was so scary.

I don't understand Cabin's comparison, though. What are you talking about? Well, like, he's just like, you know how the strangers are always in the background of, like, the shots in the strangers? Oh, is that right? Yeah. Oh, didn't know that. That's why it made no sense to me. I'm glad we cleared it up.

Well, now everybody knows in the room, which is nice. Well, the whole theme of this festival is getting to the truth. That's true. Is it not? And nice. Both. Yeah. She's kidnapped in a very matrixy way

because they're in this sort of nothing office building. Oh, Keanu Reeves was in the Matrix. Yeah. And you know what? Here's the thing. If you're making a movie, this is advice for everyone out here. If you're making a movie

and you're lucky enough to get Keanu Reeves for it, here's a tip. Don't dress him in a black duster. Because if he's in a black duster, everyone is just going to be thinking about how they should be watching the first Matrix movie. And when he's not wearing the duster,

he's wearing the same suit he wore in the beginning of the matrix. That's right. It's just Mr. Anderson's work clothes. Come on down to Hellblazers where we have Mr. Anderson's work clothes. That's a new line. It's like the Kathy Ireland line.

But it's like Mr. Anderson's wear clothes. You could get Hugo weaving to do a spot for it. Oh, yes. He's in the commercials for it and the photos and stuff. Mr. Anderson, come find your workloads over at Hellblazers. Mr. Andrews. better make it quick. They're definitely going out of business.

I'm talking about like tomorrow. There may be a fire sale. Nice. Thanks. So she's like sucked out of this building. It's something, like she's just like a normo. She doesn't have any supernatural powers. She gets sucked out of this thing and she goes through like 12 walls

and just out the side of this building. You're dead. You're like that fucking horse that Ray Winstone. road. That spine is done. It's dust. That actually happened, by the way. Truth is a theme. Ray Winston turned a horse's spine at a jellyfish?

Yes, he did. Kill the horse. He killed the horse and I want people to start saying that. It's a deleted scene in sexy beast. Fuck you horse on beautiful. I'm going to sweat when I fuck this horse. That's what he's doing in that movie. He's fucking and sweating. Well, yeah, but not to

horses. Oh, no, that's actually true. I forgot there's no Beastiality and sexy Beast That would make a lot of sense though sexy Beast is a real A Beastiality movie It would be a real on the nose title I feel But I think actually what's happening

Is Tilda Switten as the Angel Gabriel Is like invisible at this point And throwing her through Oh you know that would be cool if the movie told us that No That would be fantastic right It doesn't want to do that Constantine the movie you make up on your own

And then it's like 20 minutes later we check back in with what happened to her. She finally lands 20 minutes later. And I think she's just like flying around L.A. It's like when a... Santa Monica Bufourne. We love it. That would be great.

Dude, that's an eternal hell. That is an eternal hell. You're placed in a room and they play I love L.A. on Loop. Or just Randy Newman in general. It's literally just nothing but Randy Newman when you get to hell. Santa Monica Bula, boy!

And then it's like, no, just put a spear through my fucking brain. I'd rather have that happen every hour on the hour for eternity. So, you know, at this point, to make a turn in the movie, to change things up. Oh, shit. We go back to hell. Oh, my God.

Like, he's commuting. Yeah, he goes to Papa Midnights, and there's this whole thing about, like, I want to use the chair. Oh, my God. And it's just fucking going right back to hell. Well, this is the thing. He mentions the chair earlier in the film, and it's like, I got to use the chair. And Jemann Hansu's like not having it, right?

He goes to Rachel Vices and does that weird thing with the cat and he goes to hell. He's like, do you mean the toilet? I need to use the chair. I need your chair now! Now I have to go! Keanu Reeves yelling for a bathroom. Could you imagine? Let's all just imagine for a second.

We're all friends here now, right? Let's just, because I've never imagined it, Keanu Reed's taking a shit. Oh my God, it has to happen. It has to happen. I never thought of that before. I know, right? He's too zen. Yes.

Like, like osmosis, it just like floats out of him? Yes, Eric. He leaves floaters. That's terrible. He has to shit. Of course he does. You know what? Yeah, you're right.

Who's contesting this? I don't know. You are being stubborn right now. I am a DEA agent. And he gets up. He goes, yeah, well, I'm taller. Lots away. Sludge.

Steve Sadek with selected Keanu Reeves dialogues from several films. That's lowbrow. So, yeah, I mean, he goes to hell. So this is the point I was getting about this chair, though. Sorry, because it turns out it's really stupid. Because he's making a big fuss about this chair. And I'm watching this movie. I'm excited.

I'm seeing this in theaters 12 years ago by myself. As you saw Constantine at the time. And I'm like, man, he keeps talking about this chair. This must be pretty cool. Eventually, he'll sit in this chair and it'll be awesome. And something totally new will happen. And I was on the edge of my chair. Figuring out, like, here it comes, here it comes.

And by the way, they throw in a line right here. Not only is it a chair. It was the electric chair from Sing Sing Prison. So the Rose, it's what the Rosenberg's rode down. That's why it's got the power of the portal. Oh, I see. So he sits in this thing. I was like, here it comes, what is this chair

going to do? And it just takes him to hell and shows them the whole movie. It does. It starts, the Nazi flag is back. The dude jumping the fence in Mexico is back. The whole thing. And you're like, you are just deflated as fuck.

That's the chair? What do you care at this point? Go back to that fucking bathroom. And by the way, you're tricked a bunch of times. There's a lot of good chair shots in this movie. Oh, yeah. Piano Reeves' dragon chairs, sitting in chairs. Some of the best in the business. I would say so.

So I was really waiting for it. And then no, this is a very special chair. It's just a regular chair. What a stupid thing. So he winds up, they go back to the hospital because it's the only place it could be in the room with the cross-shaped pool. And there's a bunch of like zombies

or something around. Well, this is what we call. We're deleting a bunch of scenes from the movie. And whoops, there's too many and things aren't making sense. Yep. Oh, this movie don't make. no sense no more, including a close-up and line of dialogue from totally known actress Michelle

Monaghan, who just pops up in this movie and just goes, holy water. And I was like, that Michelle Monaghan? She's in like, fucking Mission Impossible 3, like a bunch of shit. Was that her? And then you look, and it's her, and she fell victim to deleted scenes. But you know what? You missed one. Take that shot out. Are you kidding me? This poor woman, she thinks she's going to be in Constantine. Here it comes. Opening night, this poor woman thought she was in Constantine. Dude, if I was in Constantine, I would have been very excited. Opening night premiere, I'm getting my tuxedo from Hellblazers. It's got stupid Guy Fierry flames all over it. Well, if we lost that shot, though, we might not be as long as Star Wars. Like, exactly.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you got to beat that. This movie needed to be over two hours. See, yeah, it's kind of like the blade scene almost. Like, instead of blood, it's just holy water and all these demons fry up. And then he uses a gun, which is fun. It's like a build-your-own out of a bunch of religious artifacts that he's found in that Beaman's office. It took a fucking Megasord.

A religious Megasord. That's a Power Rangers reference. Just in case you were wondering. In case you were wondering what a Megasord was. It's a power arrangement. I didn't know what it was either. I appreciate the explanation. So, like, there's a fight.

There's a fight. Tilliswinton comes down. They wind up killing Shia LeBuff at this point, which is points. That's points. It's kind of, it's the best way a character like this can go out. Like, he does one good thing. Like, he puts this cross in the hospital's, like, water system. So when John Constantine threw in front of the,

a little fire sprinkler system all the holy water that's when Michelle Monaghan informs us that is indeed it's holy water which is why I guess we needed to leave that in because you'd make even less sense but then like Constantine runs out of ammo total flubb amateur move

but then all of a sudden this demon gets blasted and you turn around and it's shyle a buff and all he does is say his character's name and then instantly get murdered it's this triumphant like Look at this big swinging dick Well you're the Jed You're the Chas Kramer

asshole and you're like yay And imagining this is a big Ope night Everyone's applauding in the theater Oh yeah you're going apes shit dude Chas Kramer saved the day Noted best character In this movie

Most important character Chas Kramer saves the day We're talking about a Chas Kramer Spinoff Oh oh oh do you think we're angling for that Kind of because there's another So we might be.

There's a scene where Jim and Huntsu just has to sit back and be like, man, that guy's great. Like, you know what I mean? It has to be like, that character, I'm on board. I hope you are too, audience. This movie's already so long, and then we take, like, a minute of him just smiling at Chas Kramer, just to be like, people like Jazz Kramer. Like you cut to the Warner Brothers studio and they're like, we want the audience when Chas Kramer is not on screen to be sitting there thinking,

where's Chaz Kramer? That's half the movie. So the invisible angel Gabriel takes him and kind of just slag him up and down a couple of times. Yeah, it's kind of like... Yeah, it's a bit of a dribble. It's like a Freddy Kruger kill or like a really lazy Mortal Kombat fatality.

Like when the Mortal Kombat character is like just, he wants to get the match over with, it's like, yeah, sure, slam, slam. Yeah, he's dead. It should have been like that dude's head comes off. Yeah, something. Why not? And if Tilda Swinton comes, she reveals herself.

She kind of speaks this whole, you know, this hammy dialogue about, like, you know, the only way to make human beings worthy of heaven is to have hell on earth. Sure. We're there, man. We're there. We're figuring it out one day and a time. This movie happened. The angel Gabriel told Mary that she was pregnant.

You know, he had to come out and be like, hey, lady, by the way, just so you know, don't take any, don't drink any wine, you know, fish, fish is kind of a yay or nay, I don't know. No soft cheese is for sure. I'm just like, you know. Deli meat, absolutely not. Sushi, does that exist?

No, mercury. But no, and then the next thing he does is he brings hell on earth. Like, just kind of takes, you know, a couple hundred years off. Yeah. Thousand, maybe. A couple thousand, something like that.

Yeah, something like that. This movie should have been set at the turn of the millennium, by the way. Oh, nice. Yeah, raised the, stakes a little bit. Just a dad. Or maybe just call it Hellblazer because that's what it is. Instead of this

Constantine shit. Something like that. Yeah. So, you know, everything she's about to take the spear of destiny and if she does so and puts it through Rachel Weiss, thus the Son of the Devil get born and it's going to get really bad on Earth. The Son of the Devil, by the way, looks like concept art

from a movie that was thrown in the garbage. Now this is weird because this movie, we've got Keanu Reeves. We have Rachel Weiss twice. Okay, we've got Jimaun Hansu, we've got Shailabuff, we've got, you know, Grand Thespian Gavin Rostale, yeah, yeah, Tilda Swinton, man, and the whole big thing that we're trying to bring upon earth, this guy we're talking about this whole time, the son of the devil, so it's not just your old devil, it's the son of the devil, devil 2.0, right?

This is a cool devil. He's gonna be a cool devil, and who plays him a cartoon? It's just a bad shitty cartoon. It should be another grunge musician. You get like Art Alazakis out there or something. Yes. Whoever sang for better than Ezra. Yeah, definitely. Whoever sang for better than Ezra. Oh, I think that's that guy's actual name.

Man, that band really fell apart when whoever left. Whoever S.F. Better than Ever. Ezra. Yes. Or you want something really cool. You go like shoot a little higher, like a Billy Joe Armstrong. Oh, nice. Yeah, he'd do. do it. He acts in things sometimes, too.

Just like Gavin Rossdale acts in things sometimes. Whenever Benicio del Toro is not available. Yeah, it's like, oh, Benicio can't do it. Are Gavin or Billy Joe available? And at this point, so she's about to bring about the son of the devil, Constantine

is well fucked. He's been thrown, everyone gets thrown around this movie. He's thrown against a glass table and he's like, oh shit, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to open my because I heard a rumor once that when I die, the devil is going to come to collect my soul personally. Oh, right. In person appearance by the Lord of Darkness.

Which I would love if he just goes to hell and he's like, dude, I thought you were going to do it personally. He's like, I don't know, it's speaking hyperbolic. I don't know. Who told you? You actually believe that? Who are you? Who are you? Is he supposed to drop what he's doing?

Yeah, exactly. He's the fucking devil man. That dude is busy. busy as shit. Yes. Like for Kissinger. Maybe I'll go up there. Oh, Kissinger's getting a fucking personal escort.

Henry Kissinger, personal escort. Welcome back, the dark lord. Thank you very much. There's more space in your car this time. Like as a war criminal. I need it. I just need a little more time. I've only been on earth for 300 years.

Man, that's, you know what? You want proof. that none of this exists. Petty's gone. That dude's still farting around though. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, we're doomed. But here comes the grand entrance. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is. Wow, you've been waiting all

movie for this. Peter Storm Mayor, huge handbone in mouth. Just shoeing it down. It's not even like chewing the scenery. It's like chugging the scenery. Like, it's just, it's like, it's like binge drinking of scenery. It's outrageous.

And he's like kind of using this high pinched voice and he's dancing all over the place like Gene Kelly I don't know why he like was he working on his car why does he have tar all over his feet or like oil or something I read that that was a personal decision for Peter Strum himself was that not in the

Bible anywhere you read that right Steve? Yeah cover to cover I don't The Deveal and his tar feet and his white linen suit yeah he looks like a Beegee in this thing it's like the same wardrobe from bad boys too like identical

Oh, well, so what are the years here we're talking, though? Could he have come right from one set to another? Same year, it was around that time, wasn't it? Oh, shit. This is getting lazier and lazier this movie. For a minute. No, no, no, don't change. Just keep that.

Just come to set. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Peter, we're making Constantine. Fuck it, it's totally fine. Wear whatever you want. Look, you're just so much of a step-ups in Gavin Rosdale. Just wear whatever you have on.

Whatever you got. Like a Disney World T-Sh? shirt. Ooh, the devil in a Disney World t-shirt. I was in Bad Boys, too, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Precisely. That sounds like a Michael Bay gift. Well, they originally wanted, the production

wanted him to be a bare-chested, leather pants, dog collar, and tattoos on face. Are you serious? That was the plan before he was like, no, no, no, no. I have a career to tend to here. I will wear a suit and I will put some tar

or fake tar on my feet. movie fake tar yes it sounds kind of sexy though that leather daddy outfit you're describing i didn't mean to get you going i'm just saying well yeah i'm not a little titillation in this god and the devil movie my thoughts are drifting there as well like what would that have really been if i could see it on peterstrom in you know what you can see it in uh the gym teacher in nightbrand elm street too kind of wears the leather daddy he does it sounds a little similar to that you're right about yeah uh so they they have a heart to heart him and the devil and and he's like, yeah, man.

That's a fucking Charlie Daniels song, by the way. Me and the devil talked it out in between racist tweets I was making. Charlie Daniels, by the way, that's a fucker that needs a Twitter account. As of this month, he was still tweeting about Benghazi. Yeah, well, you know what?

Sometimes those people can't let things go. But he's... Racists, I mean, yes. He gets a very weird, like a really dumb Keanu line. He's like, hey Lou, how's it going? Man, just kill me there. Lou, how's the family?

Oh, it gets worse. Come on, man. You call the devil. Lou, have some respect. So has he met the devil in passing before? He must have, you wouldn't say this on a first meet and greet, man? Are you kidding me? A paranormal mixer.

Well, he's always going down to hell every other week. That's true. Yeah, he's probably trespassed on his property was. Maybe Lou had him over for Thanksgiving or whatever the devil Thanksgiving is. Columbus Day or something Well that's like So this Monday everyone The Devil's Thanksgiving

How are you celebrating Devil's Thanksgiving this year? What is the movie where the devil is named Luce Seifer? That is Angel Heart. Yes. Yeah. You want to talk about sexy devil movies, there you go. Oh yeah, he's doing stuff. It's Bobby De Niro. It's about as sexy as it gets.

Very subtle. That beard in that movie? Oh, yeah. You guys remember De Niro's beard and Angel Heart? His slick back hair? Oh, fuck. Luce Seifer. Get lost in that.

I'm there more for Mickey Rourke, honestly. His boyish, good looks. So it kind of ends like a Nickelodeon movie. Like, the dad has to come in and like, break it up. Get his son out of a jam. You know what I mean? Well, he goes to the city of heaven amongst the clouds. And then Lou, good old Lou, is like, no.

fuck you and drags him back so he's nothing happened in the movie now he's just going to be back in Los Angeles because he he asks Lou his buddy Lou to release everybody is saying Lou to release Rachel Vice numero uno is Isabelle the one that was already

dead and in hell to heaven and that is like him doing a noble act of a sacrifice instead of saving himself so he's going to ascend to heaven until the devil the devil take you down to Georgia It doesn't help that he flips the devil off

while doing it. The second of two times this character gives the finger in this movie. Sounds like a cool dude to me. Man, giving the finger. Can we just wrap that up? John Constantine, asshole. Yeah, exactly. John Constantine is that one dipshit

in the nice photo at the party that's like, ha ha ha! And you all know that person. You all know that person who thinks it's the funniest thing in the world where it's like, We haven't seen each other in years. This has been so much fun.

I'm so glad we could get together. Let's get one last group photo before everybody goes home. And then there's fucking Ted at the end of the frame going, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck that guy. Well, you're lucky if his tongue isn't out. Yeah. Yeah.

Keanu's tongue? Who's tongue? No, Ted's tongue. Ted's tongue. Oh, yeah. So now he removes the lung cancer from from Keanu Reeves's body, which is actually Actually, I didn't know that that's something that the devil could do. Sure.

Yeah. Well, that's, you know, cancer is an agent of the devil. But, I mean, like, he sticks his whole hands in there. He doesn't seem to wash them first. Like, I don't know. This is major surgery, dude. Speaking of Nickelodeon, dude, this is like double dare. Get your hand up that nose and shit?

Just dig into Keanu's rib cage. And he cures the cancer, but then he dies of an infection. The devil got some brimstone in there. Yeah. And he got, and then John Constantine catches. sepsis. Oh shit. Fuck. Who saw that come? Cerebus sepsis? I don't know. That's bad.

That's bad. It's bad. And then I was kind of surprised he doesn't eat these tumors, because he has them and they look like... They look good. They look kind of good. They look kind of good. Yeah, and you know, the devil goes down. He's like next time, Constantine because there's totally going to be a sequel.

Don't worry about it. I'll see you. I'll see you next summer, Constantine. Could you do me a fair stay the fuck out of hell. Hey! Get out of here, man. We're trying to torture people. That's something. He should make a deal with Keanu Reeves. He's like, I promise I'll stop, you know,

fucking with the people on Earth. If you promise to stop busting in with these pop-ins every week, it's like living in the same town as your parents and it has to stop. You're not welcome here. Don't come around here. more.

You know, that's, that's, oh. Was that what that was about? Parents visiting? Probably. R.R.P. Tom Petty. I really don't think so. And, um, so the movie ends with Rachel Weiss and Keanu Reeves not kissing because they have absolutely zero chemistry the entire time.

Yeah, man. If they were making out, it'd be like watching two mannequins. Just two passionate mannequins slamming their, their faces that can't move against each other. They'd be like a bad twilight zone. episode. Pretty much. Yeah. Oh, also, Tilda Swinton has her wings clipped. That's cool. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, yeah. She wants

John to kill her, but it doesn't happen. Yeah, he's grown as a character, Chris. How many times we've got to test this character before the fucking credits hit? Let's just get on with it. But the credits do hit, but that's not the end of our, because there's going to be

a Constantine, too, everybody. Everybody knew it was coming. Do you think that Gavin Rostale saw the movie opening night in that sweet tuxedo he rented and the movie doesn't end with a bush or solo stuff song and he was like, wait a minute

I thought my agent told me this was in the contract they promised they would end this movie with one of my tunes and then he was bummed somebody paid for greedy fly I don't know where it went this was adapted from it

everyone was at the end of Constantine literally everyone everyone who saw it was like man, that sucked. Did they cancel the after party? Do you think everybody just went home? Yes. Let's all think about this for a while. So what is the Stinger scene? This is amazing. Oh, right. So Sam Jackson comes out.

Recruiting John Constit. Guess what? He's got the Hulk with him. You fucking wish. Oh, I do wish. You're going to take the Hulk down to hell, man. Oh, man, the Hulkster in hell? That's coming soon. Yeah, you're right. Hogan's going to hell. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that

Hawks, I meant the big green guy. They're both going to hell. So he winds up, he's at Chas Kramer's graveside because everyone's like, where's Chaz? And he leaves him his lighter, he's like, you were a good sidekick once, goodbye movie,

and he walks away, and for some reason Shailabu's a fucking angel now? He's Gabriel. He's took, it's the same outfit. That's a job, you're just, I'm the new angel, Gabriel. That's really stupid. Do you have a vacancy.

Yeah, I guess so. It was a title and not a name? But he like sort of, he jumps off the tombstone and like ascends, right? Q rage against the machine. Yes. That's how that should work. Just like the end of the Matrix. He's still wearing that duster.

Get ready to see what I can do. And then he flies away. It's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Who wit it now, right? Yeah, exactly. Like Shailabu's shirtless.

He's got a bad haircut and these huge wings. and it's just, we're doing it now! Well, that's one of those words that doesn't make any... Is it who is it now, or is it, quit it now? We're in it now? We're in it now? Do we have a real answer? Come with it now.

Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm glad we did this live. Yeah. We would never get that. A round applause for that guy.

Yeah, hell yeah. Read and liner notes. Zach Delaroca back there, everybody. Oh my God, he's here. Oh, he's here. So let's say, right, somebody was like, hey guys, I know you saw Constantine, I haven't yet. Would you recommend it?

What would you guys tell that person? I would definitely say do not say. No, actually, I'm sorry, I love this movie. What an about face. Twist ending, I just, I always love a paranormal detective. I don't give a shit what's going on. If someone's investigating the devil-related things, A-plus. I mean, it's terrible.

It kind of moves. it's a little bit of fun, I think. You're going to love Catholic world. Once that is open. We've got a lot of fun things planned for you. Chris? Avoid it at all costs. Now, Katman, I think you watch that television program in its entirety.

You want to tell anybody about that? I had to review the first three or four episodes, and it was also trash. How many of those made it to air? I think those are the last three or four episodes, too. It might have been, honestly. Welcome back to the first and final episode of Constantine. Um, I would say stay away as well, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. See?

It's got, you know, it's got stuff. I think, you know, Constantine, it's got stuff. It's okay, but it's, yeah, don't see it. Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, it's totally fine to skip this movie, but I will argue a hangover movie. Sure, okay. If you're feeling like you two should be dragged to hell, put on Constantine to get like a real full-bodied experience.

And if you fall asleep. it's fine. You're not missing a thing. No, not a goddamn thing. I might test this tomorrow, I'll be honest with you, depending how I'm going. So we always like to end every discussion with a little bit of correspondence from the good people on the IMDB user reviews.

Because these are the true heroes that are out there, watching movies every day. First responders? Yes, and they are out there on the front lines. The first responders of movies. They see a movie happen. They're the first ones to run in. You're not writing them reviews.

I'm not. Well, that's what happened to me when I saw Force Awakens. I was sitting next to a cinematic first responder. Because he was sitting next to me, and then he was with a lady friend, and he told her to hurry up because he had to get home and, quote, give the internet a piece of his mind.

No, he did not. Yeah. Yeah, so I just imagine that guy every time I read these things. So we got two here. This is from the internet movie database. Let's see. So, username Lexa Flex

from February the 10th, 2005. So this is like right when this movie came out. Three out of 10 stars. Oh, that's not very good. No, no, that's unimpressive at all. I saw this film a few nights ago here in Albany. And I have to say, I was disappointed with it. The special effects are terrific.

That's why we read these. That's an incorrect statement. But the story needed a lot more work, and Keanu Reeves looked like he was sleepwalking during the entire film. A rarity for Keanu. And to say that he was miscast in the role is an understatement. One with not being English, I can see what that guy's getting at. Sure.

What Lexaflex is getting at here. The character of Angela, played by the wonderful Rachel Weiss, is actually a much better character than Keanu's, and would have been a better lead as well if you had people who really cared about what they were doing, in this film. I like the idea that in the middle of everything, we got Constantine Post. Just like, dude, we got to call

this movie Angela. I'm sorry. The movie is speaking to be right now, and I care about what this movie is. We're cutting it right now. We're getting ready for this release, whether you like it or not. Oh, that would be great. And, like, for the trailer, you could get Tony Danza to do the narration. Oh, nice. And he just goes,

Angela, coming this summer. I like it. And it's sequel, moaner. You just made it scarier. Yeah, but what are you talking about? It's called fucking Constantine, Lexiflex, you boob. And Jimon Hansu is also very good as Papa Mindyte. And I found his character also more integral to the story than Keanu's.

It's called Constantine. Now, you want a Papa Midnight movie, that's fine, man, but that's a movie called Papa Midnight. First, we have to have our Constantine before we have our Papa midnight, so you know what? At least you knew where he was coming from, and he had a more lively personality than the bored-stiff composure of Keanu's John Constantine. Another incorrect statement. This guy just is a fan of, like, supporting roles. Peter Stormair gives a lively yet somewhat campy turn as Satan himself. Somewhat campy?

I want Lexiflex's definition. of balls to the wall scenery chewing because it must be really intense like you watch it and it's so cheesy you die if this is somewhat campy my god the ending is okay

but the revelation concerning a character is not well done because of the fact that we only see that character they're talking about Tilda Swinton for about one scene during the course of the whole film or maybe Shia LaBuff and then suddenly you're supposed to believe that the character was a major player

which, in fact, the film really does not explain it all towards the end. Well, he's right, I think. Yeah. It's giving the internet a piece of their mind, man. He was ready to go. Thumbs up to Rachel Weiss, Jimon Hansu, and Peter Stormair

loving the supporters, man, for giving their best efforts to this movie. But thumbs down to the lazy acting of Keanu Reeves and to the movie itself for not trying to be better than what was on the script. So that's Lexiflex.

Now we got the other side of the coin here. Oh wow, there's two sides. Yeah. There's a lot of people on both sides of the Constantine. There were a lot of people

on both sides of the Constantine debate. Yeah. Uh-huh. Now, this is, of course, 10 out of 10 stars. Of course, you gotta go. I wish we could have gave it more.

Subject line Loved it. McDonald's and Constantine. From Marcus Oliver. Marcos Oliver So that's like your username is just your name

So everybody knows that this dude really loved Constantine Oh May 16th 2005 guys That's my birthday Does this count as doxing someone Yeah it does I think so Okay Didn't they get rid of all these though Yeah they got rid of the message boards

What a tragedy What a fucking tragedy What are you talking about That shit was terrible Toxic world That was the guy It was all racism and like hey Where are the dudes

I know. Hey, where are the nudes? I'm on IMDB message boys. You're saying nubes or nudes? Nudes. Oh, nudes. Yeah. Naked pictures.

Yes. Okay. All right. All right. 10 out of 10 stars, loved it. Marcus Oliver, written on my birthday 17 years ago, 12 years ago. If you are a fan of Keanu Reeves, then you'll love this movie. That's true.

Incorrect. What? I'm a fan of Keanu Reeves. This movie's terrible. Okay, fair enough. Of course, he plays a similar character to his other roles, but so do most actors. I believe most actors are merely personalities, and Keanu has a cool one at that. He's got a cool personality.

I'd love to hang out with Keanu Reeves. He seems like he's got a cool personality. I would not. Hang out with Keanu Reeves? No. He's supposed to be the nicest guy in Hollywood. I know, exactly. It's just really nice.

I just feel like you'd make me uncomfortable. I'd be worried that I'd be bothering him. Yes, that's a bigger thing. The special effects were great. Low standards. And there were many picturesque scenes that will leave an imprint on your mind. Sure, sure.

All the... Picture-esque. The tan trash. That's all over this fucking thing. Tan trash. It's like our president. Dan trash. I cannot believe

Rex Tillerson would say such a... That is fake news. You call them tan fucking trash Actually, actually is the idea of it. Come on down to Hellblazers where tan trash is half price. Half off tan trash, we have to move it.

We've ordered too much tan trash. Even though I had never read the comic book, I really appreciated this movie for its religious theme. The first part of that sentence doesn't make sense with the second part of that sentence. No. What the fuck does one of it? to do with the other one.

It's almost like these people aren't professional film critics. No. Almost. Almost like that. Close. I think anyone can relate to the movie's notions of heaven and hell, good and evil. Sure. I mean, yeah.

Fine. You've lived in the world. You know what shit is. I know what words mean. The movie was funny. Uh-huh. Had just enough action. So not too much. You don't want this movie too much action. I want to overdose on it. Balance

the action with being boring as soon. I need time to think or go to the bathroom. Maybe not off for a few minutes. Not off for a reel or two. Cool weapons. Oh, definitely. You want cool weapons too. Yeah, those bullet shavings

from that Pope assassination attempt. Cool weapon, man. Holy Water, cool weapon. All the cool weapon. And breathtaking scenes. scenes. Oh, they'll take your breath right away. If you sigh, is that

breathtaking? I think that's what he means. You're taking a breath. You will keep taking a breath while this movie goes on. When you see a bowling alley. Most importantly, watching it, I easily felt transported into that world. Hell. Yeah. Because watching this movie is like being in hell.

That's an accurate statement. It's the one accurate statement here. great movie overall I hope there's a sequel No there shouldn't be We've been Wee Hay movies everybody Thanks for coming out to Podfest We'll see you next time

Bye bye That was a hit-gum-products. Thank you.