We Hate Movies - S8 Ep334: Episode 334 - The Fate of the Furious

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang continues their (Some of) The Worst of 2017 month with a trip to Franchise Town talking about the latest entry in the car enthusiast/sort of domestic terrorists series, The Fate of the Furious! Why are they bothering to ask us to believe Vin Diesel flipped on the fam? What's with Charlize Theron's stupid dreads? And as much as we love him, why in the world is Kurt Russell in this? PLUS: Scott Eastwood — now with manual AND automatic transmission!  The Fate of the Furious stars Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges, Charlize Theron, Kurt Russell, Nathalie Emmanuel, Luke Evans, Kristofer Hivju, and Scott Eastwood; directed by F. Gary Gray. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, gang, out now, but only on our Patreon is a special W.HM bonus episode on Bright. We got our first episode that is Patreon only that is Bright. That's the Max Landis David Ayer joint with orcs and cops. And you'll need a joint or two to get through it. I'll fucking tell you that much, man. So there it is. It's episode 333, and you're like, wait, wait, did I miss something? Right.

Oh, right. That's right. Because this is the Fate of the Furious is episode 3334. Where's my 3333? It is on the Patreon. And just to remind everybody, you're getting the same amount of episodes on the free feed. We're just doing extra stuff on the Patreon. And the extra stuff is awesome as well.

And just so everybody knows, Eric is not on cocaine. It might sound like that for a minute, but like... I'm doing my Herman Kane. It's kind of 999. You got 333 on the Patreon. Junk Jack. Boom. Oh, perfect.

What election was that, 2012? Yeah, it was. Wow. So get over to patreon.com slash we hate movies. Check out our episode on Bright at the $5 and up tier and also hey man

that fully organized 100% commercial free back catalog. The WHM archive is up. There's a link to it. We're talking. Episodes 2 through 108 all commercial free.

We're talking. The early days of animation damnation. We're talking a side order of slees. We're talking on screens that I have no idea what they're even fucking about. But they're there. We got them. We're there for you.

You? I mean, those movies and TV shows still exist, so you'll still like those jokes. That's exactly right, Steve. So Patreon.com slash WHM. Now let's get on to the episode. This week on We Hate Movies, the worst or some of the worst of 2017 month continues in its franchise time with the fate of the furious. Vroom, Vroom. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadec. Chris Kevin. Eric Siska, beep, beep. And we hate movies. It's a carniv.

Yes, I picked up on that. Top. The Fate of the Furious from last year 2017 directed by F. Gary Gray. Now, Chris Cabin, what else has F. Gary Gray directed? Well, he did a movie called Be Cool.

With the Rock also. With the Rock also. Terrible. The awful movie. That was the sequel to Get Shorty? Yes. Just a real, real job. And did they tie any of that into the TV show Get Shorty,

which no one has seen on the face of the earth i have i had to review it oh man you have a terrible life and um the italian job remake oh no with statham yeah fuck did well old friends coming and charliez oh right yeah is this not the tortured new england monologist or no is that not that spalding oh shit yeah yeah wow i got i got the i got he crashed a car though he never drowned himself in the river actually he doesn't know who Steven Soderberg is. Man, Steve, he was making that mistake the whole time before we went on the air. I was like, dude, these swimming to Cambodia jokes make no sense.

They're great. I've got to throw out a whole notebook. So this movie, it's the eighth film in the seminal franchise, fast and furious franchise. Been around since 2001 has it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So the first one was fast and furious. The fast and the furious.

The Fasas of yours. Yeah, like the bold and the beautiful. It's a remake of a Roger Corman movie from the 50s, right? Or that they licensed the title. The title, I don't think really it shares anything. I do need to bring up something. The big event in that first movie. I think you're going to talk about 9-11.

Well, so the big events. The biggest event. That Dominic Torreto. The event in New York. To borrow a marvel phrase. the big event that they're all like heading towards at the end of big conclusion is called race war so everybody keeps on saying

oh can I get into race wars get into race wars man and my how far we've come from 2001 street racing to 2017 racing a decommissioned Soviet nuclear submarine come on guys Like, let's, you know what, to use a car term, let's stay in our lane.

You're, you know what I mean? Like, maybe heists. Heists are cool. Heists are fun. Like, heist, heist, heist. Yeah. Make these heist movies. Make them racing heist movies.

That's fine. You mean not saving the goddamn world or whatever the Rock says? We can't be doing fucking bullshit James Bond nonsense. Like, it's not. Some of the stuff, for me, at least, has worked over the years. Like, I don't hate all of these movies. I found the last one quite entertaining. Well, we should go.

around the horn and say where we are with these movies just because a lot of us are going to get stuff wrong. Yeah. I've seen them all but remember like almost nothing. I'm there. I've seen the first three. The first one was on a boot. And then I was like, oh, this is really boring and like it must be the boots problem. And then I watched

it again. I was like, no, this is really boring. Boots don't make movies boring, man. Movies make movies boring. And then I just call it the other two hungover, which those two are fine hangover movies. Two and three? Yeah. And then like that I skipped until this one. So I've been out of the game for years. So I saw the first one in the theater.

Oh, me too. Guaranteed. Rob Cohen's. Oh, of course. That's right. There's a Rob Cohen joint in the theater. I'm getting the boys together. We're heading to theater town. But gentlemen? I saw, I saw like half of the

second one and then I saw this movie. So I literally know nothing. I was confused this entire movie. I actually think this is the worst movie we've done since Ultraviolet. I just found it just like it's just nonsense well because your confusion is understandable because all of these later sequels are all tying together so if you haven't seen any of them none of this is making any sense to you but why bother it's a car racing movie man like but it hasn't been a car

racing franchise in fucking 10 years okay i think it made that turn three five or six four i think they're doing something what is this they're not exactly racing cars but They're chasing each other. They use cars to fight crime. Yeah. They're like an FBI unit essentially. I think the rock is technically DEA. Yes.

That sounds right. So there's that. And Kurt Russell as Mr. Nobody returning, by the way. He's in the last movie. Really? For a hot second. Was he better in the last movie?

He's of more use in the last movie. And big bonus. No Scott Eastwood in the last movie. Oh. Do you want to know why? Someone was doing some race math. They're like, uh-oh. We're short a white guy.

That's exactly what it is. Right down to Scott Eastwood apparently was real-life friends with what's his face, Paul Walker. That is half of the IMDB trivia for this is telling you different ways in which Scott Eastwood and Paul Walker were best friends. Great. You know what great. That's fantastic. Well, I'm sorry. His friend passed away.

Oh, sure. No, I mean, that's fine. But he's terrible. If you were in a popular film franchise and then you died suddenly, I would have no problem replacing. Well, no, that's the thing. In my will, I would say I don't want any of you fuckers near anything I've ever done. I'm going to have a real detailed will about that. Yeah.

Well, but you gave me power of attorney that one night. I mean, so, yeah, what is this movie? Well, so this movie is where everything gets turned on its head. It's not like it seems. No, that's right. Then this is the biggest flaw of this movie is trying to do something. That's what I don't appreciate. Don't do anything.

No. Just do the same thing. thing, but in different exotic locations. Sure. James Bond's been doing that for fucking 40, 50 years. I've lost Count of Mission Impossibles. That's the same shit. It's the same shit. And this is, we're trying to make it so

that Vin Diesel is like, oops, a secret bad guy for two seconds. And it's all this, like, oh, he turned on us and this, that, and the other thing. He turned on family, which is the biggest crime in these movies. Because Chris Cabin, what do you never do? You never turn your back on family. You never turn your back on family.

You're not supposed to turn off. family, you're supposed to turn them on. I see. A rouse family. That's how I dress for Christmas. That is a low-cut shirt. You're damn right it is. Merry Christmas.

Slash, you're welcome. Well, it starts in Cuba. Right. And was this the first... It was... Hollywood production, U.S. production to film. I think it was. It was either this or the last night,

and I think this was actually the first one. I would beat it there. They drove down real fast. the last night is more comprehensible and more grounded in reality and that's got fucking Merlin in it you know what I mean?

Oh the transph-I was like what the fuck is the last night Transformers which might actually be a better movie I would rather watch it again I would totally rather watch that and that movie is fucking terrible it's terrible but I'd rather watch it

speaking of you know because that movie's kind of ripping off Star Wars a bit this movie is longer than Star Wars which is another thing I don't appreciate By a country mile, man. This is like $2.15. It's crazy. And there's a direction.

I live my life one country mile at a time. I've retired and I'm now in the country. I like this idea. Like a rural furious? Yes. Yes. Appalachian Furious. That's what I want.

Tractor racing. Oh, we've got to get this oxy to the next holler. And that's how you can do. It's always oxy. That's it. That's it. Always oxy. You're just carding oxy someplace else. There's no roads to that holler, Chris. We got to go through the mud.

You ready to do mudding? I'm ready. You boys ready to play in the mud. But, like, yeah, like in the season, like, finale, the ambition is to get into Fent. Oh, yeah, yeah. They don't have the muscle to do it. Well, that's like Margo Martindale kicks a door down in the very last scene of the season. The queen of Fent, Margo Martindale. Y'all think you can run the Fent up in this. hollered, do you? Well, sit down, boys, and have some cider. And then you get one shot

to Sam Elliott in a lazy boy. It's the entire cast, you know, of the Fast and Furious franchise, they all wear cowboy hats. And it's never addressed what's going on. And they all drive the, uh, the general Lee from Dukes of Assers. Tyrese is like, I'm not getting in there. Nope. So yeah, we're in Cuba. Uh, Michelle Rodriguez and Vin Diesel have been wed. They're on their honeymoon. Yep. Because she had like some soap opera shit where she died and she came back. This is all from the Wikipedia articles that I've read.

She died. She came back. She had amnesia. Just like Jesus. That's true. All right. Jesus is famous. He died and came back.

Yeah, and he had amnesia. And he was working for Luke Evans for a while. Why do you think? See, he resurrected three days later. He didn't hang around. He walked away. He didn't know where he was. That's right.

It's like, what if I, been doing in that cave. Jesus, sit down. You're not going to believe this. I'm the what? The son of who? I must have been in some sort of motorcycle accident. Look at my hands. Now, so we said this movie's two hours and 15 minutes. Here's a great way to cut that down. How about remove this first car race?

The entirety of it. This is like the fucking eyehole into Bond at the beginning. All of these movies have these opening scenes where fucking Vin Diesel has to like pitch a Pimp My Ride type show to the people of whatever town they're in and like yeah he's getting some drag race and like he's stripping his cousin's car

and telling him all the ways and piece of shit all but I will it's worth pointing out Coca-Cola makes it all better holy crap is cooking this movie oh big time dude I think it's like the next team member it's like Scott Eastwood and then the Coca-Cola corporation is right behind them. So would it be, no, it would be like

one of the polar bears getting into getting into the car. That'd be awesome. But in this, in Havana so Vin Diesel notices like some dude and he's like I gotta show my machismo. So it's like I gotta race this guy. I kind of appreciated this

scene and I'll tell you why because it made me learn something about the character. It's like he beats this guy. And he's an asshole. He does like every trick in the book to beat this guy and he's an asshole, yes, but then he proves he's not the complete asshole I thought he was because he's like yeah you could keep your car your dirt car yeah you can keep your dirt car thanks buddy and then it's like it seems like he's like that dude is now indebted to him

like chubacca to han solilo he definitely is and he fucking helps him later in the movie so that's vin diesel called in a favor almost immediately well the script always calls in favors you have to every every time yeah but it's it's this uh the cousin has like fucked up some deal and he's trying to like renege on this thing and vin diesel's like, you got to, if you gave your word, you got to just do whatever you said with your words or whatever. I actually, how about we race first?

Listen, if you don't listen to me right now, this rabid raccoon with a gun that I bring by my side. Chris, it's the other movie. That's his other movie where he says one word. That's his best acting. Where he says, oh, three words, I'm sorry. Oh, I am Groot.

I am Groot. Oh, this is a different franchise. Chris Pratt's not in this? No, he's not. Oh, Kevin, you watch the wrong movie again. No, but like, this is definitely like James Gunn's worst movie. No, he didn't even direct it. Wait.

He's never even seen it. What? We just spent five minutes talking about F. Gary Gray. Oh, yeah. Speaking of space operas, though, when he's... Chris is like Jesus over here. Forgetful Jesus. But no, speaking of space operas for a second,

he is driving around in this burning car for like 20 minutes. He should leave this thing looking like fucking Supreme Leader Snoke He should like That should be the rest of the franchise Is him in a gold jacket If you'll recall He immediately does a 180

And starts racing backwards So the flames are going In the other direction That's how fucking smooth This dude is with an automobile I will say yeah To everyone else is I'm with Eric on this though

I think this is the best scene In the movie because at least it's like We're car racing Everything is really clear It's like look This is what's going to happen We're going to race for pink slips again like i get all that sure and like there's no like government agents involved it's

just dude down and dirty scumbags racing each other and if one of them dies well that's how you lived yep dude a quarter mile at a time no but these they always have to be distinguished fucking people yeah like they're scumbags they should be scumbags exactly play that up at all so they're distinguished oh sorry no i was going to say they're distinguished how just because they're like FBI or whatever. Well, and they all have fancy cars and they all have fancy dresses. But they're still scumbags. But no, they're the best. It's not like, the fact

that like, I don't know, the government is like, you know what we need? This street racing asshole that's still like, I don't know, fucking radios last year. It should be always set up for patsies. Like, that's probably how they, that's probably how they found Lee Javier as well. Lee Harvey Oswald. Yes.

Well, I think that's a thing where it's like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Right? Like, the one time the rock took a chance on these guys and this all this shit all started with the rock when luke hobbs came in and like recruited these dudes and whatever like this started their weird voyage into fucking espionage that's when it started the rock comes in and then it's no longer about street racing yeah then it's like i work for the DEA and you have to help me out because I don't remember yeah he becomes a contractor essentially wait a second i'm i'm a street racing

scumbag hanged with my boys guy comes up to me says he's a DEA agent yep yes he were putting bullets in them, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Put him in the chest. Here's the thing is he's going to look the other way on the oxy, on the fence. So. No, I like, okay, now I like this. See now, and then they can do the missions.

That's what I think is kind of part of what gets them all roped in because Paul Walker's character was a cop and it was this whole thing about like, that's what now I'm kind of remembering this. And Kevin, maybe you can back me up on this. The rock is like, I will wipe both of your records clean if you do this thing. And so that's what the first time out is they do this. But then it's like, holy fuck, those guys kick some serious. But let's just keep doing this until one of them fucks up and we have to have all of them murdered.

I also don't think their records do get completely scrubbed until the seventh one. Yeah, it is. It's a lot of like, well, we got some of it clean, but this other mission, that's really going to take some dirt off. But you just did all of that. So now we have a whole other mission we've got to do. But Vin Diesel was like a big player. on the whatever the fuck scene because Paul Walker

as the FBI agent at the beginning of the franchise is sent undercover to do something I don't really remember I mean the first movie is just point break with cars kind of yes yes it is yeah yeah but there are they robbing things yeah they are I remember the plot summer

yeah they're like boosting like it's not stereos but maybe it's like car part stuff oh yes they are they're doing they're stealing Noss oh Noss man you gotta look out for that I sniff it So they then, he wins this big race.

You should have burned to death. They wind up going, you know, they have a nice sweet, him and Michelle Rodriguez have a nice sweet night. Wherein, like, she's like, oh, man, I was thinking about you as a dad. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Hey, you knocked up or what? He picks her up and shakes her. What's going on in there?

He's stand in front of this microwave for a second. No, she just squats and lays an egg. And then he fertilizes it? And that's how Vin Diesel mates, man. Yeah, he nests on it. He has to, like, cover it up for a couple weeks. Well, he knew I was part burdo. He does, like, lift up the blanket and, like, look at her.

And she's like, no, I'm not pregnant. I'm just saying, we're getting on. And maybe we should have a family. And he's like, ah. Noss. And then he goes outside the next day to have to go to his local cripery, you know, to pick up. I got to tell. I tell you. They got it made in Havana.

Oh, of course, man. Oh, man. Vin Diesel's out. He's just got a fucking loaf of bread, some some veggies, you know, he's got a cup of coffee. He's got health care while he's there. Yeah, dude, exactly. Probably having a morning cigar. Horrendous access to the internet, but they'll get there. Oh, shit, man. I really got, I should, you know what? I'm going to go while I'm in Havana get it all checked out. It's been years. I was on Cobra for a while, but even though, even though I'm a millionaire car thief. That's just too expensive.

Who the fuck can afford $1,500 a month? That's ridiculous. And there was a whole crocodile phase. On my taxes, I took a bath because, and in under health care, I wrote, I live my life one mile at a time. Uncle Sam didn't like it. So, Charlize Theron pops into this movie, sporting some fantastic white girl dreads. What are we? I mean, I guess to make

her less likable because like, you see Charlie's like, oh, I love her. And then it's like oh, give her like shitty dreadlocks because she's a villain. I mean, I guess like this is, it's a real risk. Like she transformed herself in monster man, but this is, this is the greatest Charlie's transformation. These

dreadlocks are just brave. They must have demanded her not to act. Like just demand, like she's on such low energy here. I don't think she's terrible in this movie. Oh, man. I think everyone is terrible in this movie. I don't know.

I mean, this is the first time in a few movies, I think, at least. There's been a real, like, mustache twirling villain. But I don't feel like the mustache twirling. Oh, I guess Statham's in the last one. He's the main. He's a mustache twirler.

Like, he's like riotous. Like, she's just like, I'm going to do the evil thing now. Yeah. Well, to be fair, like, the biggest villain level is she's a hacker. Yes, she's named Cypher. Yeah, dude, Louise. You were supposed to change that in the script

One of the graphs One had megabyte I think somebody calls her megabyte Because the find and replaced didn't work perfectly First they called her nemesis Then villain I kept waiting for her to be killed by Dozer Agent Zero

Like it a notch all Easteron You're still gonna burn So she starts blackmailing Vin Diesel She shows him like a picture of something on his cell phone We don't see what it is And Vin Diesel is like Oh fuck

I guess I'll do whatever you say And he goes and it's fine And like he abandoned Ledy Who's Michelle Rodriguez's character In Havana right Is this right? Well they get called to Berlin Oh that no that's what yeah

She's like I'm gonna do you have to do me a favor And you know Just wait for instructions And then we cut to Dwayne Johnson For 20 minutes doing this girl's soccer game It's funny for about three. Yeah, exactly. It's really...

It's kind of fun for a second. Yeah, you're like, oh, the rock can do comedy. That's great. And then you realize, oh, but it's like one joke and they keep doing it. He's coaching his daughter's soccer team. It's one of these like reveal gags where he's like, you're going to come out there

with the intensity to blah, blah, give it like a real pumped up speech. And then it cuts and it's like, yay! And it's a little girl's soccer team. Ha ha ha ha ha. And they're like cut the scene. That's, yeah. When you go, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's the end of the scene. Right. No, it actually cuts to a dude just sitting in a room going, ha ha ha.

No, no, no, but we have to be reminded that all the soccer moms want to fuck the rock. Oh, well, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, dude. But there's three jokes made at that expense. Well, yeah. These girls are, by the way, these girls are doing, like, this war dance in the beginning. You're telling me all these white parents don't have a fucking problem with this. Yeah, the cops are there.

Yeah, the cops are there. The rock, like, taught them this, like, Maori war dance or something. I don't know. I was totally. Oh, this was fucking America. It's plays a fucking soccer. Oh, man, this is what we're doing during the anthem now, huh? Oh, I get it.

Oh, I get it. Plice a fucking ball. Can't pray. Can't pray, but we can do whatever that is. Whatever that is. Exactly. That is what I imagine. Parents at their children's sporting events.

And this government agent, straight out of fucking Indiana Jones, comes up to him and is like, yo, dude, let me just, look, like, do? This guy looks like he's wearing a Halloween. Costs. Yes, exactly. FBI agent. Yeah. Fucking 1999 at Party City, you bought your FBI agent. Before, before you tell me the urgent news, see all those women that want to fuck me? Oh, yeah.

Like right behind me. Closed in. So this dude's like, listen, there's a class four WMD. Ooh. That we need you to go to Berlin and steal. And that's the mission. The Germans again. They're up to their old ways, huh? What's the WMD doing there? It just lives there?

I think it's just, it's being housed there. It's also, it's... Okay. It's an electronic... Oh, it's an EMP. Speaking of the Matrix, yeah. Electronic magnet problem. But that's what I thought was...

Thank you for pointing it to me, Eric. That's correct. I don't know what that is. I'm the science officer on this show. But, you know, it takes out electricity, right? Electromagnetic pulse. Yes, thank you, Chris. Yeah.

But I like magnetic problems there, actually. That's an ICP song. He thinks one of those racist soccer dads, like, oh, good. That guy's a cop. I call it a copse on this fucker. Oh, yeah, probably. But if an EMP, this is what I don't get. Electromagnetic pulse, right?

Sure. If that is classified as a level 4 WMD, what's like an actual WMD? Like a nuke, probably. No, I know, but like, what fucking level are we talking? Because a level fucking four just turns off the lights. If we're going to judge, if we're going to look at this through the lens of American history,

an actual WMD doesn't have to exist. That's actually true. It could be fucking anything you wanted to be. But think that would, that would like, an actual NEP would like probably wipe out, servers to the point where it would get rid of debt the one thing that would have oh fuck like the end of fight club

we should maybe get some of these then it's an electric it's a level four WMD most of the year but on Super Bowl Sunday and Oscar Sunday it's a level six it's like oh my god they fucked up the Oscars this dude is also like by the way Dwayne Johnson I'm asking you to do this thing

but if you get caught there's nothing we can do and you will go straight to jail. And I was like, what? Nothing? You're just going to go to jail? Really? It's Monopoly the movie. Oh shit, I'd watch that.

And The Rock is playing the thimble. That's his character name. And I'll play the horse. Oh, yeah. And I think like just cut for time and I noticed on Voodoo they were offering a director Scott of this movie. What? Yeah.

Which I did not rent. hours long. Yeah, probably. I just rented the theatrical, but I have a feeling in the director's cut. You see this heist. Because what happens is, the rock is just like, hey, Van Diesel, get the team together, meet me in Berlin, and

Vin Diesel's like, you got it, dude. Oh, wait, I got to call you back. I have a lot of questions. What time, when, what needs to happen? Exactly. Where in Berlin? That's a big city. This is why I kept thinking I was missing something. That's why I forced myself to watch this

twice for this recording which is terrible but i was like wait because it just like cuts to them after they've already completed the heist they're in a chase sequence yeah i feel like i just i was watching a boot that got it got cut or something the guy went to the bathroom yeah exactly like oh that'd be great on a bootleg the guy's just filming the screen and then it goes out you see his feet walking through the lobby and they're going to the urinal holding the camera the entire this is the found footage film i want oh my god or when they're They used to cut scenes, like, for violence in, like, China or, like, in Japan and stuff like that. You would just get huge swaps of movies.

Used to. China's still hacking shit. It's not as bad as it used to be. There is a, what's that? So we're just murdering German cops at this point. Oh, yeah. The amount of German police officers who just woke up that day to uphold the law that get murdered by these people, including Vin Diesel. Right. Well, I think that's why this dude's like, by the way, the Rock, you will definitely go to jail.

Because I know you're going to be killing people. Don't tell me you're not going to kill people. Are they stealing from the German government right now? I think so. I don't know if they specify who they're robbing. Well, they have to be. Like, Mr. Nobody is like something above the CIA, apparently, like, from what I can gather. The villain of the movie needs to be Angela Merkel now.

And, like, she needs to send, like, German commandos after everyone. Yes, I would love that. If you got, you mean, you got Helen Mirren in this movie. You can get, like, a Merrill strip, but Glenn Close as Angela Merkel. Yeah. Glenn Colos will play Angola. Angola, by the way. Oh, my lord.

That's right. Mine are good. You best out of Deutschland. Yavo. So, but she should bring like another... This is fucking America. It's Angela. I saw her name is Angela.

You better answer my call, Angela. This is Trump yelling at his speakerphone. Merkel should send her own submarine at the end of the movie. There should be like a new... This, like, total curveball at the end of the movie. Dude, and it would be awesome. The sub just fucking emerges from the icy waters, right? And she's just standing on top of it with her arms on her hips,

and she's in a block of ice that immediately melts. Yeah. And she fucking starts kicking ass because she is now the leader of the free world. Who is? She's made out of metal for some reason. She's also an android. She's Aquaman. The rock punches her and it just dings.

Oh, I love it. And it's slow-mo, so you see, like, the ripple through the rocks forearm. Every single bone breaking. Because she's the strongest leader in the world. Right now, absolutely. So it's this big chase scene, and they get away, like, everything's free and clear. Well, we're introduced to Tyrese, thank God. Tyrese, Ludacris.

Tyrese, Ludacris. The woman who we met in the last film is still hanging out with them for some reason. Who's from Game of Thrones? Yes, the hacker. Missande on Game of Thrones. Emmanuel, Nicole in Manwell or something like that. Oh, I don't know. I forget her name.

The character Ramsey. Ramsey, that's right. Which is the first name. Natalie Emmanuel. Yes, you were correct. Two Game of Thrones actors in this movie. Correct. Tormund Giantsbane.

Oh, yeah. He's rocking and rolling in this movie. Rhodes. Yeah, as Rhodes. Yeah, if you can say that guy's real name, you can fucking catch him. That's how you get him is by saying his real name correctly. Christopher Hivjoo. Yep.

Yeah. That was IMDB. I thought this was America. Chris Herbert. Chris. Thought this movie that mostly takes place overseas was America.

We're leaving. So, yeah, the whole crew's back were like fucking yip-yap and making all sorts of one-liners. Ludicris is here. Tyrese is not being hilarious.

Oh, man. He thinks he's, why is he the comic relief? Why is Tyrese the comic relief? Especially because he first comes to this franchise in Too Fast, Too Furious. I remember that one. And he's not a joke teller that much. It's a John

Singleton movie, so first of all, nobody's really telling jokes. He has to, like, be warmed up by Brian, because he like abandoned him. I mean, like, that's right. In his home state or something like that. And like, yeah, because, like, he was just another heavy, but he was on the other side of it. I think he was, like, one of the good guys or something. Like,

that's fine, but like, like, have Ludacris be the Joker, I guess. You know what I mean? Ludacris is funnier than Tyrese. He was fucking hilarious. and crash. He was hilarious and crash. He opens that door. He starts laughing at all those immigrant children. Yeah, comic force in nature.

Best part of the movie, by far. So yeah, we're all like speeding away and whatnot. And then like the Rock and Vin Diesel are driving side by side and he's the Rock's like, we did it again, buddy. It's another $10 million for us or whatever it is. And Vin Diesel runs him off the road. What? Yeah.

runs him right off the road right before this by the way Vin Diesel does say to Michelle Rodriguez I see when it's finished yeah well and what could he mean by that and so he runs the rock off the road steals the EMP this is amazing Vin Diesel

by himself lifting a weapon of mass destruction pretty impressive the funny thing is though like when I watched the trailer of this movie and again I hadn't seen any of these movies in a long time I was like oh shit is he being mind controlled

because I was holding out hope that there was some way that he was being mind controlled because that would be so stupid like a domer drilled a hole in his head dropped a little acid in there maybe like a dumb computer chip or a magic spell

computer chip would be great or maybe he gets really hurt and they put him back together like a Frankenstein oh that could be something somebody might think that's stupid that's smarter than what actually happens well the thing about it is

like Michelle Rodriguez has already went through fucking soap opera amnesia. Exactly. You can kind of, you can't go too crazy. Sure.

But you can kind of do something like a device, a chip of some kind. And I wouldn't really believe. It would be more plausible than what happens in New York. It would make more sense considering the way

Vin Diesel chooses to act in this film. Sure. Which is like a robot or like someone who's being mind controlled. Or somebody who is you know,

seeing Dwayne Johnson on that set and seeing in their career flashed before their eyes. Oh, you think he's just mad at the rock? I mean, they're not in a scene, like a shot together. Am I, not, I'm not crazy here. They, they, they, oh, that's a good question. I don't know. I don't think they share a shot in this movie. They don't like each other, obviously. Yeah, that's a thing. Well, that's a thing.

Well, Ben Diesel, like, kind of like was out of doing movies for a while for whatever reason, right? Yeah. This was the only thing that was keep, that kept him afloat consistently. What the fuck, dude? Do you not remember our, are stunningly positive conversation about the last witch on that? No, I do. But that was sort of like him. his return, right? Because he did fast and furious when they, like, got rid of the thaws. Yeah. He came back. He was out of two.

And three for the most rate. He's got a cameo at the end of three. But now he's trying to become, he wants to be the, he wants to be the rock. I think you're right. Because then he did. He's like, all right, well, I'm going to bring Xander Cage back to. And no, he did not. Fuck, did any, did you watch that? I did. It's horrible. How are we not

doing that this? It's not as funny as you want it to be. It's not as ridiculous. Am I crazy, though? also Ice Cube is in that third movie? Do they like have them? I think there's a stinger maybe. Oh, is that what it is? Fuck, dude. I'm not sure. I forget it almost

completely. All I remember about that movie, which I didn't see. This third, the return of Zander Cage, this triple X movie. I remember I was at the AMC on 84th Street. I think I was watching Doctor Strange. The previews are going on. Preview for that movie comes on, right?

When he is driving a motorcycle underwater, the theater, burst into hysterics, just fucking laughing at this dumb-looking movie. Well, it's probably right after the text, coming this January. It's like, yeah, oh, yeah, great. Oh, it's America's answer to James Bond, man. In the Triple X franchise, I've never seen any of them. Does he only drink Moulson, Triple X?

Is that his drink of choice? No, and I feel like that's a missed opportunity. It's named that because he's a pornographer. Give me some Moleson Triple X. It tastes like a beer with a bunch of wine. in it. Hey, Bob, Bob Crane, why's your buddy

always around here, all right? Trying to make a movie. I'll tell you what, Steve. If you put that on a slogan for a beer, guaranteed it would sell. That's exactly how it tastes Mulsin Triple X tastes. We used to drink that all the time.

There's pictures of me and cabin fucking downing Muls and Triple X. Big, like, big fucking fosters cans of Muls and Triple X. I would apologize to everyone the next. day. I'm so sorry. I had to several times. So

yeah, so Vin Diesel steals this thing and you're like, what's he doing? He's turning his back on family. Then we get to the agents of shield plane, which is where fucking Cypher lives. And it's her and it's the guy from Game of Thrones Rhodes, we'll call him, because that's easier.

Well, it is the character's name. It's her and Rhodes. Where's the teleporter room in this plane? That's a great question. He gets there awfully easily. Vin Diesel? Yeah, like he's coming back and forth from this place. There was a fly in the teleporter.

Came back wrong. Tereto fly. Have you ever heard of diesel politics? Doesn't really exist. Man, what I would give to be a Touretto on the wall. He, at least the first time we see him when he's outrunning the German police, the plane touches down briefly.

Oh, right. It's one of those, like, you know, they drop the thing. He drives right on, which I would love to do IRL. Oh, sure. It's being a plane or being a car that drives into a plane. And I'm like, all right, bring it up. That's called terrorism, dude. Yeah.

Well, you know what, man? I would be lying if I said parts of these films aren't the slightest bit appealing to me. Yep. You make tons of fucking money. You just drive around having adventures all over this sexy globe of ours. And you're clearly an immortal. You clearly can survive anything And I can never die

So it's revealed that she has His ex-girlfriend who is in some of these movies I didn't see Elena Several of them And spoiler alert She had a secret baby with him That not even he knew about Eric

That's right Oh yeah likely story Well I guess what happened was like they fucked And then Lettie came back from the dead She's a zombie right Yes, she is now, Michelle Rodriguez is part of the undead. Uh-huh. Yes, that's true. I mean, so, yeah, there's a woman who's been in like four of these movies.

All of our, all of our wedding pictures, you're not showing up in any of them. Are you a member of the undead? Oh, man, a fucking vampire and Frankenstein get married? Oh, their parents aren't going to like that. That would be a great, but they could do that. That would be a fun movie. she's like it's underworld but not really she's a vampire and he's

a Frankenstein guess who's drinking my mother for dinner yeah oh yeah so yeah and she's got this they're on this plane they're behind bulletproof glass they show the kid and the woman's uh malayna Elena Elena is like oh my god

you know I had this kid I didn't tell you because uh you know you just got back with Letty and I want to let that happen I never named the kid the kid only has a middle name which is Marcus I'm leaving the first one just for you, Vin Diesel. You get to choose that. Because you're such a great guy.

Wow, being named out of order. That's interesting. His name should be Marcus. If you want to give Vin Diesel the middle name short because nobody cares about him. Baby boy Toreto. Boss baby Toreto. Oh, man.

So much sashaying. I'm going to name you after my favorite car. GTO. No, that's not. That's like my second favorite car. Scott Wall Wait Scott Eastwood Scott Eastwood is my favorite car

I think that's what Paul Walker was driving at the time Oh man oh man Here come the tweets It's okay By the way if you're listening to the back catalog this is a refresher For new listeners

It turns out we're aware That Paul Walker died tragically It turns out We have that information So thanks and advice Wait, what? All right, maybe you should send some tweets. My favorite thing about this movie, so she's like, this is what's going to happen,

Vin Diesel, you're going to do this, or I'm going to, or, and he's like, what, what's keeping me from tearing you limbs from limbs? And she's like, well, I've got a bunch, you can kill me, but I've got a bunch of men on this plane that are trained and ready at any moment to come in here and shoot your baby in the head. And I'm like, who are these baby killers? They are well-paid, dude. I like to just cool in their heels.

That's the movie I want to watch. Yeah, the briefing. Please give me the briefing. She has to train them to do this. It's just them in like this big room. They're like playing pool. Like, show up. Nobody calls me in there to kill that baby.

Why? That's what we trained to do. Yeah, but paid to do. Desensitized to it, all right? Look, all I'm saying is like a job's a job. I'll kill a baby if I have to. But I'm not looking forward to it. Listen, you squeeze your trigger.

and then it looks like some veal parmesan it's all right now boys now boys your instincts might be to try to shoot the guy who's shooting at you punching all of your friends and uh stabbing everybody else but first kill the fucking baby just kill that baby that is number one and then number two you kill the guy okay do you think because we already know vin diesel looks like a monster and he's with a zombie or vampire do you think they were like she was like hey guys like you have to come in here and kill this baby because it may it may in fact be the antichrist oh right oh so you know a much of catholic priest back there you think that's right catholic priests damian torredo well you know and elena makes a fatal mistake here she's like dumb whatever happens save our son the way you say that is sOS dumb whatever you

like yes at the end of the day i would much rather my my son make it than i do but Really do your best to save me first. Really, let's get everybody off the plane to go. No, no, no, no, no. Dom, save me, fuck the baby. This baby's been alive, what? Like, nine months, ten months. Yeah.

Any other way, you're getting killed. I'm sorry. They should all die as a family. Oh, yeah, dude. Right then and there, dude. He should just take the plane down. Never close your coffin on your own family. Oh, no, that's, that's dumb.

Yes, please. Yeah, we're in this tough situation. I never tell anyone. else is but this baby's got a secret twin and I'm the only one who knows where it is so you got to keep you alive motherfucker if you love your kids you got them both and that's the one I'm sure

is yours this baby that's being held hostage that's just a ringer baby hey uh cypah you want us uh we should kill that baby now or what we're just hanging out here getting oh man getting so much overtime not killing this baby I am fucking starving

is there food on this super plane or what Vinny was talking about Veal Parmesan earlier. Why are all these baby assassins Italian? They would have to be. So while all this plain shenanigans is going on, the rock is going to jail. Really? For about 20 minutes.

And this is like a supermax jail that's in outer space. That has Lloyd Kaufman in it. He's got gravity boots. This is a face-off jail. Oh, right. This is a... Or not gravity boots. The magnetic.

boots from face off or or the escape plan jail also oh was that in space no but it was space like lockout was in space and so was guardians of the guys yes also all these are similar to this nonsense so mr nobody meets dwayne johnson at the prison gates and they're like pal it's one of these like ha ha you're in jail let's see how long this like the buddy buddiness of like you're going to jail but like kurt russell's playing it like yeah you're going to jail but you're not really going in jail you're missing a huge part of this he's drove Scott Eastwood there stepped out of Scott Eastwood Scott Eastwood is parked next to him because he's an inanimate object for our previous episode yes we likened Scott Eastwood to a car

right I think that was suicide squad yeah because he's just so unremarkable he's like a car in the scene it's amazing it's got like Clint Eastwood's got to be watching these movies and he's like it's like I fucked a tree and you were born

you fucking wooden disappointment the being of charm that's kept me going loathe these years has been plucked from you my boy scott scott sit out and watch unforgiven with me now you notice how it seems even when i'm not talking your eye is drawn to me that's called present scott my god that stool plays a better actor than you i mean i thought i was with obama That stool who played Obama. Either that stool was SAG or what? Oh, yeah, that stool had a card, man. For sure, man. SAG after, dude, one union.

That stool gets screeners. Mr. Stool got it on you, I think. Yeah, well, actually, he didn't get it tonia because last year he went down for bootlegging moonlight. Oh, that's... Yeah, he uploaded it the internet. They burned that stool in a woodpile. so yeah scott eastwood is like uh uh so little nobody he's credited as so like who fucking

because because kurt russell doesn't have a name he's mr nobody yes so he's like kurt russell's little assistant slash replacing brian o'connor in the franchise most definitely doing that and it's one of these like you know he's kurt rossel's like this fucking free ball and he knows what's going on laughing at dwayne johnson's going to jail quote unquote you know and scott eastwood's like it by the book, which Dwayne Johnson does not appreciate Luke Hobbs fucking picks this man up. This is one the funniest things in the movie. He picks him up and turns

him sideways. He breaks out of his chains. Like he was the incredible fucking Hulk. He is the Incredible Hulk. I'm sorry. That's who he is. The Rock is granted superpowers in this movie. He is like force throwing people. It's wild. This is

his pitch for an Incredible Hulk Netflix series. I'm telling you. You know what? I'd watch that. I would watch that. But like Jay Baruchel as Bruce Banner and he turned it to The Rock. That would suck though, like because unless it was like Talk and Hulk from like Thor Raggar. Yeah, sure, sure. I really like Dwayne Johnson and I really like his chemistry.

Regardless of how shitty the fucking movie is, like he's usually good in them. He is definitely the highlight of this. By Miles. Oh, sure. The team up of him in Statham, which is what the spinoff is going to be. right is like it's clearly the better movie here there are two movies here and that's the better one because they're airlifting the only charisma and like decent like screen presence out of the film yes putting it into a different movie that's a bad idea actually do you think that's a bad idea

no it's a great idea but it's a bad idea for fast and the furious like you know what I mean oh who wants to see these like I don't know like Tyrese would agree with you oh man Tyree that's the funniest thing he's like beef with dwayne johnson because dwayne Johnson decided to do this spin off he's like you're just disappointing the fans man The fans want the movie. You're delaying the movie that the fans want. I have something here. It's from his Instagram.

This really struck it for me. Oh, from the internet ticket. From whose Instagram? Jason Statham? From Tyrese's. I don't think Jason Statham has it. Oh, yeah. Here's me eating a cheeseburger.

Instagram or fucking whatever. Statham. Oh, I'd follow that. Oh, so what is Tyrese saying? This was because he made two posts essentially calling Dwayne Johnson out. Yeah, that's what you want to do. About this. So this is what, I'm sorry to announce that if Dwayne is in Fast 9,

there will be no more Roman Pierce. Who could care? You mess with family and my daughter's survival. I mess with yours. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, what exactly is you threatening here that he won't do the movie? No, big, he's threatening that if they don't make Fast 9, his fucking kids are going to starve.

No, but what he's, well, he's, well, he's, like, Charlie's thereon has his kids there. What he's saying is, Tyrese's kids? Oh, Jesus Christ. It keeps adding up. No, what he's saying is, if Dwayne Johnson returns as Luke Hobbs in Fast and Furious Nine, then Roman, whatever the fuck, won't be in it. And you know what?

No one cares. No one would even notice. No, they really wouldn't. I mean, maybe the diehards of this franchise. I'm sure Tyrese has fans, but it's not like, oh, if he's not in it, I won't see it fans. There's definitely going to be a scathing Reddit thread, like a really bad one. But other than that, nobody's care. They can really light a fire.

Reddit loves Tyrese. That's what Chris is saying. Speaking of Reddit, though, like, this... I'm correct. Why does this movie get in trouble for SJWing? Because actually, the credit to this movie is the diverse cast. It's like one of the better in terms of diversity points. But it has so much like masculinity.

That's the problem. Toxic masculinity. Seriously, like a dude on the internet. who he won't call this SJW because it's got all these muscles and that's what I want to be I want to be muscles well that's thank God they cast Scott Eastwood then fucking balances out a little bit well that's actually a great point because he's like a clean slate you could project anything onto it that's oh that's me now yeah well it also makes knowing a lot about cars a superhero like trait we go to New York the idea is it's a heist in New York and we're I'm unsure. With a Nymetz. They go to New York and the

idea is we're going to, there's a Russian diplomat with nuclear launch coat. He's got the nuclear football everybody. You know, this should be more interesting than it is. I know it gets crazy, but... And it's actually kind of a little bit of a coincidence in this movie that

the Russians have the nuclear football because the Russians have the nuclear football here in America too. They got a, they got They got all the footballs. Oh, they have all the football. They call it soccer, though. This is after, by the way, The Rock breaks out of jail with Jason Statham.

And it's one of those, like, it's so fucking infuriating because we launched this massive prison riot scene all for Jason Satham and Dwayne Johnson to break out of jail to find Kurt Russell just standing in the driveway being like, heck, what took you so long? Also, by the way, seven guards died.

Seven guards. There are seven fucking orphans out there now. Dwayne Johnson throws a knife into a dude's chest in this movie. That is 100% true. Dwayne Johnson gets hit by a bunch of rubber bullets. Yep. And then says, ha, ha, that was your mistake not using real ones.

Yep. Nice. They're bouncing off him like Black Adam, dude. He's getting ready for his next movie. I think it's great that they're reducing government spending by killing all these government employees. By the way, this is... Oh, that's it. He's just cutting it down.

This is after he's... taken his, like, cell a faucet and started doing, like, bench breasts. Oh, that's right. He breaks up his cement. He curls with it. It's, like, cement sink, and he's fucking lifting it. And then, like, him and Statham are flirting this whole movie. He's like, I'm going to

stick my foot so far up your ass. You're going to brush your teeth with your fucking nail polish. And I'm like, I don't give a shit. It's just one of those, like, endlessly talking shit gags. But what's so dumb about this is, like, on what fucking planet? on what fucking guardians of the galaxy planet

could Jason Statham best Dwayne Johnson in a fight? Are you fucking kidding? He'd stay in there. He knows them karate's he could do the parkours. It is such horse shit, more nimble. I think the rock is right, Steve. I think he would punch Jason Stathen in the face so hard that then his butthole would become his mouth.

Oh, okay. Your butthole's going to become your mouth and then when you fucking whistle, it sounds like a fart. That's good. I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ordered all the food in the restaurant and then the restaurant closed. Pretty much that for fucking 20 minutes.

It is. It's all those fucking taunting. Like, when I get out of here, I'm going to kick your ass. Oh, you're going to kick my ass? I'm going to fucking kick your ancestor's ass and whatever the else fucks. And they're just like jerking off in front of each other in front of plate glass. Oh, they must be.

Having a migs toss? Quick question about the Avengers for no reason. Sure. Are they still all in jail after Civil War? like a lot of them are like hawkeye is isn't aren't they getting broken out at the end of civil war wait wait i thought they were all like executed for being enemies of the state no they're being held by um what's william hurt

yeah that's right thunderball cross yeah what is shock i totally forgot everything about that captain american movie so did i because i was like years ago now in the marvel first it feels like a hundred years ago yeah i don't know well yeah they broke them out didn't they i think the very And it was Captain America breaking them on. You got to stay for the last 17 scenes after the crew. Oh, actually, yeah, you're totally right now. I do remember that.

Stinger. Sorry about that. So they break out and then like he assembles the team. Yes. And they're like, instantaneously. And it's like, yeah, Dom turned and everyone's like, oh no, we're talking a lot about something called God's Eye, which I think was in the last movie.

God's Eye is in one of the previous programs. Yes, it's the last one. Is it the last one? It's like a computer. It's just a computer magic program. It's not a computer magic program. Dude, they are doing this right now in the fucking United States of America. It's called Amazon Alexa.

Oh, Alexa, turn my living room to 30. Thank you very much. That's in my house right now. You're all being recorded. I know. Everyone knows my movements right now. That's true. This is actually reminded me of that bullshit Jim Caviesel show.

Oh, person of interest. Yeah. Which had no interest to me. Haven't seen an episode so far. I watched some of the first season and I gave up pretty, pretty quickly. It wasn't for me. I didn't look at it. I mean, I think that there's a scene where they steal it at some point.

There's like a concussive blast. They steal God's eyes? Yeah, man. That's, well, it's actually kind of interesting. They're like using God's eye to like reverse track where the fuck Van Diesel is. And then it like zeroes in on a building. And Kurt Russell starts, again, the fucking cavalier attitude of this character. He starts laughing.

And they're like, what the fuck is? so funny. He's like, well, that's this building. And then an explosion happens. Vin Diesel walks in, much like a robot, and he's throwing all these, like, concussion grenades all over the place. He's playing the Terminator. Yeah, he, yes, it's when the Terminator

fucking totally breaks into the police station in part two. Are you Brian O'Connor? No, oh, he's out of the game. Excuse me. Are you Dominic Torretto? Good enough. Are you Letty, Tarretto? Oh, you didn't take his name?

What are you saying, Kevin? Do these Arnold impressions. Angela Merkel sent me from the future. Yes! Yes! It is not Angela, you fucking American pig. Don't you mean Angela? A Terminator, get it right, and pay the price. In America, we call it Angie Merckx.

This is not California. Yes. Kurt Russell has hired. now fucking Statham to work with the team now they got another contractor that's like

it's one of these like you're not gonna believe who you have to work with the villain from the last movie fucking kill me and definitely killed some of your friends oh for sure he killed that Korean guy

I know he killed Han yeah Han's definitely got killed by him Han Solo no no another guy a different Han okay wait in a movie in a movie

I don't know if I can do this. Hey, I don't know if I, you got to help me. Right. O'i. Statham. Sorry, Chew, you're going to have to watch it. You can come back with me. It's okay, Ben.

I'm looking up this dude's name now because I'm curious. The character's name. Jason Statham. I can't fucking. Oh, Shaw, I think his name is. Decker, Deckard Shaw. Decker, right, because he's a replicant. And Luke Evans is

Owen Shaw. Oh, sorry. I was talking about the Korean character. Ha! His name is Ha! Is it Han? Oh, the actor's name is Sung Kang. Yes. There it is. And he plays Han Solo. That's right. He's from the third one. He did, they didn't take Bow Wow. Didn't keep him in there.

Oh, right. Or fucking Lucas Black dude. Adios. Said no to both. Actually, isn't Lucas Black in one of the sequels? He might have like, He does roll up in another sequel, I think. They were trying to make that happen for a while. And I was like, no. Yeah, they gave up.

I was okay with that failure. So he's in New York. Oh, right. He's track him in New York. And so the thing is they're going to get this nuclear football. And Charlie Staran has this magical device, which makes no sense, which is to hack all the cars that have chips on them. Oh, my God. And all independently make them drive around the city to chase after people.

But that makes it. You would have to, like, perfectly control. troll too they're all exactly like you could make i mean like let's say you can hack a car you could probably make them all drive forward word at once but these cars like swerving in and out and following things it's pretty impressive and this is where the movie becomes truly unbelievable because not because of this like we're piloting a swarm of bees you know what the herbie the love bug cameo was a little much you would need a child fucking fleet like in the movie toys to pilot all these fucking The Robin Williams movie toys?

That's a terrible movie. It might be an episode. No, the thing that's unbelievable, dude, is that until the end of this movie, all New York locations are downtown Manhattan. You cannot whiz and wear an army of fucking cars in downtown Manhattan at any fucking time of day. You can't whiz one car. Exactly. No, they are go. These streets are empty.

Yeah. Because it's the streets of fucking Albuquerque or wherever they filmed this. movie. I think they filmed some of it in New York at least. Only the B-roll. Oh, okay, yeah. So, like, the cars, some of the car shit. Yeah, but anytime you see, like, the actors in a car, getting out of the car, no, sir. Yeah, because you can't drive. Like, there's

no way, like, these things are zipping. It's crazy. It's so also, like... They should have just had them, like, be chased by subway cars. Oh, shit. Jump out of the station. Fast and Pelham one, two, three, furious? Yeah. Like the train in inception?

Yes, yes, exactly. Oh, they get aboard the snow piercer It's an entire Fast and Furious movie on a train Wait wait, dude, that's it That's the next level We're done with cars We're doing trains You gotta give me the kids

I gotta have the kids I'm sorry I need your hands Hey Vin Diesel I noticed you sneezed It was you the whole time Vindizel Oh man Walter Math out of that movie is fucking great

It's a great movie But like this This franchise is established off of cars crashing. Yes. One of our leading killers. Yeah. So I really think you could convince people, get some, you don't even have to film anything original. Just get a bunch of footage of all these Amtrak derailments that are happening.

And then just like put plot around it. Sure. And you're done. That's a movie. That's a big movie. B-roll the train movie. Yeah. You can call it.

The most ridiculous part, which is actually kind of. but also ridiculously stupid. They drive near an over an overground garage. Yes. And then she makes it rain cars upon them. This is a terrorist attack. Sorry. Absolutely.

A thousand percent of terrorist attack. She is always a terrorist. New York is closed for business. The Avengers show up there like, do you need us? I mean, look at this. Do you need us? Who did this? Did Thanos do this?

No, this is one of those fucking missions you send Hawkeye on. Yeah, you're right. Cypher is exactly the fucking villain that Hawkeye can go after. Hey Hawkeye, a bunch of cars fell out of a garage. Go take care. It's just Hawkeye informing all the owners.

He looks up each plate. He's like, oh, okay, Gary Johnson. All right, let me give him a call. Hey, Linda Cardellini, can you make me some coffee? This is going to be a long time. These regrettable phone calls. I'm going to be on Google all night. By the way,

ludicrous in this scene decides his dream car is a tank. A mini tank. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Wouldn't that be hard to drive if you've never done before? I don't know. He does make some mention.

I don't know. I know how to put gas in it. No, he makes some mention about how they're making these things like easier to pilot or something. But also like, aren't you trying? I mean, that's, and this is the joke of all these movies is that like all these missions would, you would want to be inconspicuous.

But yeah, yeah. This is the most fucking, you know, you might as well be blaring a horn on your way down Fifth Avenue. And Tyrese was looking for. for a Lamborghini or something. A million dollar Lamborghini. A blood orange or something? An orange Lamborghini.

There's a weird thing somewhere around here. They're like trying to tail Vin Diesel and he like pretends that his car broke down and he engineers this whole thing to have a meeting with Helen Mirren. Who's not been in these movies yet, right? No. She has not.

She plays, spoiler alert, Jason Statham's mother because she's British. Jason Satham and Luke Evans. Oh, that's right, yeah. Luke Evans, who was previously in the franchise, of course. And it will be soon. But it's just like, I was trying to, like, piece this part together. How the fuck does he set up this meeting?

Who cares? See, that's the thing is nothing in this movie connects. There's no connective tissue between scenes. I mean, maybe it's in the F. Gary Gray cut. Maybe. And then, like, those cute. I mean, maybe he pulled like a ghost dog, got a pigeon, started clapping on a roof. I think you were leaning to what the answer might be.

No, no, no, he also gets this Cuban guys to help. But, like, does he talk to those dudes? He's on this fucking shield plane. Also, how is he not jet lagged all the time? Every time he gets off this thing, he's been on a plane for 14 hours. Like, oh, my fucking back is killing me. I think it lends more validity to the theory that he's a fucking Frankenstein monster, man. And are they having sex?

No. No. Wait, who? No. Him and Theron. No. Because she kisses him in that. That's like a mind game.

Yeah, that was just to fuck with his lady, right? Yeah, they're not fucking. Okay. Yeah. Because it seemed very weird their whole whole stick. Yeah, they're not fucking. Okay. Also, it doesn't make, it doesn't make much sense, does it to, like, take these cars from the toy shop?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then, like, transport them to other parts of the world? No. Why don't you just get a car there? Well, that would be as cooler. Yeah, and I mean, how much, where is this bottomless well of? money for these operations. Oh, you know why

we don't have education in this country? We don't have education. We don't have health care. The military budget is so big. It's just like, okay, some Lamborghinis are in there. That's fine. For grappling hook cars. For Mr. Nobody's Super Squad.

Exactly. Well, that's always a thing with these movies is like first they select the car and then there's like the downtime scenes where they're outfitting them with shit they'll use later in the movie. Sure. So like you see that in this like they select their car at the toy shop and then they're like okay now we're just going to work on them for a little bit and do things like install grappling hook the grappling

that's so ridiculous that's so fun just spending the weekend working on these cars before I go to my adventure so Vin Diesel dresses like I don't even know like he's in heat for a second yeah he's got a mask and he's got a chainsaw he gets the nuclear logics I'm in heat Charlis, I'm in heat. But here's the thing. I need to go. It's just a heist. And like, why would you hire someone that doesn't want to

do a heist versus hire four guys that do want to do a house? They've got all those baby killers too. Exactly. We can do a heist for you. We're good at heisting. We're good at killing babies. Whatever you want, Charlize, where you want to be? That's actually a great point. Yes. I don't understand why

she necessarily needs Vin Diesel. Because he's the best. No, no. It's Of course he's the best. He's Vin Diesel. Oh, my God. But this is essentially that like a cop hit in the beginning of the usual suspects. Yeah. Yes. So you spend 60 grand on that maybe. Actually, by the way, I'm remembering the end of the movie wherein we find out that Vin Diesel, he might not be the best because he's not the fucking first person that she went to for this job. Because like she went to Luke Evans. That got fucked up. She tried to. recruit Statham and Statham was like

oh you you responsible for my brother being in a coma fuck you so second turn down then she went to Vin Diesel he's the third choice for this operation man that's a bummer that's a bummer to find out

if you go to your third option get an easier third option yeah I would feel the other two dudes are easier they don't have teams assigned to them and also like baby asses are so much more expensive than regular asses oh you pay double yeah you gotta pay double killing kids you're paying double and you're like

you're contracting them for over a long period of time like holidays and there's definitely a bonus when you actually do kill the baby well yeah of course oh my god I actually got one so he he gets the thing they do this really stupid

grappling hook car nonsense thing they're all like pulling the car in different directions to like keep them still and you know what Andrew I don't know a lot about about cars and stuff so they they have all these all like all four, every corner, like somebody from the cast, grappling hooks, Vin Diesel's car

from a different point. Right. All cars have grappling hooks, come on. Yeah, and somebody's like, and he's pulling them, like, I don't know how he's doing it. This car has got to be 2,000 horsepower. Then the other guy goes, it's more like 3,000. I think the rock is like, yeah, try 5,000. And I'm like,

why we're just making up numbers. Well, no. Do you guys not have this in your cut? He says that and it pans back and there's actually 5,000 horses in addition to the car pulling. This is a really impressive shot

like Gandhi, 5,000 horse extras. Exactly. This is crowd of horses. It's my favorite band, crowd of horses. Yeah, so he breaks through and like all this stuff.

And then he and Lettie have a thing on the street and this is when Roads from Game of Thrones come down and he's like being a heavy and he almost kills Lettie probably. He's just, He's going to put one right between the eyes, dude.

I think Lettie should be on this mission. He kills, what was there? What is their name? Eleanor? Oh, Elena. She's murdered on the plane. Rhodes shoots her. So we know that he is, he's capable of killing. So is he part of the baby killers or not?

No, he killed a grown adult. That's not a baby. I know, but he came out of the baby killer doorway, I think. I think he might have been at least playing cards with those boys. He was just asking them if they had any cigarettes. But now that, you know, that, what I was getting at is that heightens the tension between him and Vin Diesel. Yes. If there was a movie that had tension, there would be more of that.

Oh, and Vin Diesel fake kills Jason Statham, and you know for a fact he's fake killed immediately. Because I already, I didn't see this movie in theaters, and I already got the notice that he's getting the spinoff with the rock. Yeah, he gets shot in the chest a few times and then like, you don't see anything else. And I was like, oh, he's dead. And like, you don't really hear about him. again. Right, he's kind of out of the movie for a little bit. I do love that, like, the way that they get these fucking

grappling hooks on Vin Diesel's car, it's kind of like trying to take down a whale in the 1800s. Yeah. That's pretty great. It's like Gulliver's Travels for a second. He should play a whale. Bobby Dick starring Vin Diesel and Patrick Stewart.

Oh, fuck. Patrick Stewart reddoes his Ahab, his classic Ahab. The whale this time is Vin Diesel. I do the voice of the I also did the mocap. It was me in my bathtub. Just swimming. Somewhere around here, so the briefcase is the nuclear

code. Why not the codes? And when this is relayed to us in the film, it is through that fucking sick four-door Scott Eastwood. And did you guys catch this? You get him to this? He says, he says, nuclear.

Does he? He certainly does, dude. Hey, Scotty, in this house we say nuclear, God damn it. We didn't go to finishing school. I prefer just nukes. Just saying nukes and foliage. Like a nukes power plant. Hey, Scotty, why don't you go down to the library and learn something?

What an ironical situation. found ourselves in that's right i don't give a fuck i wasn't us supposed to go to college scotty oh we butcher our own language um yeah so the the debate the the wife killing scene so vin diesel gets back on the plane and she's like why didn't you kill letty and he's like i couldn't and he's like and like to teach him a lesson uh it's charlie saron's holding the baby Thorman Giant Spain comes in and shoots his ex-girlfriend in the head This baby is done at this point

This baby is Gacy Town This is a very specifically important Developmental stage for a baby This baby will remember Are you suggesting that babies shouldn't witness murders? I am mostly suggesting that Dr. Spock over here We do Molly Condle our kids

I know he wants a participant participation trophy doesn't want to watch his mom get shot in the head by a guy from Game of Thrones Yeah and we're not going to get to it yet But what happens with Jason Statham later Certainly does not help the matter

Oh man is it dumb So let's push it forward here So they're like all right She's got these launch codes And what she's going to use it with Is this like decommissioned Soviet submarine Yeah

That's like it's at this place that was part of Russia, but now it's held captive by defectors? Yeah, that's them like, wait, we're still releasing this in Russia. So they're Russians, they're not Russian. Yes, yeah, exactly. They're like extremists. Even the characters

are getting confused. They're like, wait, who the fuck are these people? So it's like all of a sudden... Hey, that's my house. Oh, I used to live in that abandoned submarine. Anyone taking a ride back to America?

pitching a ride I live alone down here like the phantom of the internet he definitely does the rock has something right here click click click click click the rock speech ends in like save the god damn world he's got one of those lines the stakes are way too high

for a fucking car movie we're literally stopping world war three she's going to launch nuclear she's going to launch, excuse me, nukes. Yes. Thank you. Why? Oh, no, she sits down. Oh, this is great.

She's great. There's like a Chinese restaurant on this, like, plane. Like, I don't know. It's like a very, like, totally. Or it's like a teaky restaurant. Yeah, it's a very, like, cool little glass part of this that looks like you can get a really good cocktail. It's where Vin Diesel mourns the death of the mother of his child and. orders a pretty strong zombie all

the same time. And she comes in and she kind of says, you know, this is why I did. This is why I'm doing this. And it's like, I want to hold the world accountable. And if I the superpowers of the world accountable. Yeah. So if I fire off a nuke, they'll know that they're on a short leash like she's watching

them is the idea. What? That makes no sense. It's also, it's zero sense. It's a horse shit. Like, I'm a terrorist, but don't worry, I'm a good guy. Like, I'm doing it for all the right reasons. But I'm still also totally a terrorist. This has to be released everywhere,

so I can't really have a characteristic of villainy. Yeah, we've got no allegiance to anyone. No political ideology can't really be going to. Make her like fighting for the caliphate. Yeah, or... Oh, shit, maybe. Yeah, like, rambo. That would be the easy way to go. Or like just trying to topple America for any...

There's a bunch of reasons to want to do that. Topal us! But that's the thing. It's like... But you know why? It's definitely the political... the reason you brought up, Chris. But I also think it's because

these movies have to perpetuate themselves. I guarantee you she's a good guy by the 9th or 10th movie. It's just like, we need to get her back. She's like defacts from ISIS. Yes. She's like Well, no, they're going to need a really good hacker at some point. And like, oh man, I'm so

mad. Okay, you might as well, Charlize they're on like. Man, like, Randi will get kidnapped. No, just something. Get Edward Snowden. Oh, yeah. I like cars too. I can hack and drive cars. I do have a leather jacket.

I know that's important to you guys. I have tiny sunglasses and a leather jacket. Back of the States, I drove a Toyota. Do you know what a Toyota is? Could you fix my Toyota? My Camry could go at least 80 miles an hour. Hey, Mr. Nobody, so long as you're throwing out amnestys all over the place. Yeah.

And just, if you wouldn't mind seeing to... Could we please pardon that American hero already? So the dumbest, I think, one of the dumbest parts of this movie. Let's not get nuts. So basically they're like, all right, we have to leave for Russia to do this thing. And Scott Eastwood is like he is pretending that he's still a stuffed shirt, but you can tell he's not because he's not wearing a suit anymore. He's just dressed hipply like the rest of them. And he takes a fucking crowbar and smashes the case where the keys to all.

all the cool cars are right and they're like oh all bets are off and whatnot and fucking kurt russell who i love has no business being in this movie sure it's fucking useless that he's here so much so that in like the tail end of this scene he's like see it didn't take long for this guy to get on the side of the angels and now he's part of your family whatever and then he just goes well dasfidanya and literally cut russell the actor just steps backwards away from the camera and it's like what that's it see at the end of scene

that's what he's every scene he's explaining what's happening to the audience again in case you missed it like that's what he's doing in almost every scene I think that Das Vidanya was ad-lib and he's like well you got

fucking four days with me this is the end of day three Dasvidanya see you tomorrow everybody me and Goldie are getting dinner Goldie hold the table I'll be out filming in downtown

A, B, Q. Kurt's feeling Thai tonight. Oh, yeah, Kurt is feeling tired. I would love to eat Thai food with Kurt Russell. Fuck, yeah, dude. I bet you he can put down like six Thai iced teas

and not even get jittery. It wouldn't affect him at all. No, dude. No way. You know he's putting his feet up on that table. Oh, absolutely. The waiter's like, one of the waiters, like, oh, I should stop that guy

and the other way just like, don't you dare. He'll put his fucking dirty boots up on this table. It'll be an honor. And also, come on, he's going to leave a great tip. And also, he's shelling out the extra money to get that fucking artificial duck meat in that fucking dish. Is he like, is he vegan? No, but he just likes to shell out because it's like the regular price for the dish is $18 if you get it with like tofu, chicken or pork.

And then it like moves up a little bit if you're getting like the spicy pork option or the regular duck. But then the artificial vegetarian ducks like 20. $1.2 somehow. Kurt Russell don't give a shit. Well, that's what I feel like... I think I just call him Kurt Russell. I believe that like whenever he orders anything, if you can add on something to it,

he has to add on all the things. So like whenever he gets a pizza, everything's on. Welcome back to Russell rules. As long as we got the menu in front of us, what kind of apps are we talking about tonight? Oh, he's definitely getting the curry chicken puff pastry. Two orders, dude. It's a big table.

Here's a question. These two guys, if we're talking food, these two guys are always at each other's throats and it's very clear they don't like each other. Who would you rather have dinner with? The Rock or Vin Diesel? The Rock. The Rock. Yeah, yeah.

Vin Diesel, no thanks. Vin Diesel, one, you're going to a bad restaurant. Two, he's going Dutch. You know what? I'll get out a bowl, put some dog food in and throw it out back. Also, like, I feel like also like Vin Diesel, like he probably like eats like a squid. Yeah.

Like he's like feeding. a beak where his crotch is to be fair the rock will entertain you you know what I mean? Yes but Vin Diesel you want you to entertain him what do you got that's it huh

you see Stephen Vin Diesel has got like it's where he eats is in his crotch and he's like a little sarlat he's got a little sarlac mouth he doesn't have a penis Stephen he's got a little sarlac that eats oh that's how you defeat Vin Diesel

is you throw a chicken bone in his mouth and he can't get out like the rancor Oh, hey, Stephen, I saw this great movie called Boiler Room. You might want to check out. There's a great new talent in there I invented named Vin Diesel. He's completely computer animated. I would believe it. I met Vin Diesel when he was a boy, and he was the inspiration.

He was inspiration for the pit that took poor Bubba Fent. The Great Pit of Cacoon. Oh, holy fuck. Nice. Is there a book about that? There are several, Stephen. Stephen, we were tooling around at Skywalker Studios and Lightning hit a keyboard and Vin Diesel came out.

You see, Stephen, you really should have done a Jaws expanded universe. We could have had a whole book about the ocean. So, Ennis ways, we're in Russia now. We get some bad Tyrese, like, I don't know how to read Russian stuff. Oh, my God. Trying to read Surilic is one of the most offensive things I've ever seen. There's a lot of fun with that. And also, Tyrese's thing is like everyone, because of this huge terror attack that happened in Germany, was moved up to the top 10 criminal list.

A most wanted list. Not Tyrese. He's number 11. Interpol did not deem Tyrese fit for the top 10, I guess is the idea. And he's all upset about it. That's like kind of his running joke of the movie. Right. He's like right up there with like a dude that puts pipe bombs in abortion clinics.

What was that guy's name? Eric Robert Rudolph. Yeah. Oh, right. I think they got him though, didn't that? I hope so. That guy calls her Angela Merkel. I'll tell you that.

So, Vin Diesel, I'm like the last leg of this mission for Charlie's slash cipher, drives to this separatist base. Where they're making droids to fight the clones. Of course. Stephen. Yeah, General Sidious is there. General Grievous. Oh, pardon me. Dard Cidius.

Count Ducu. It's over. The podcast is over. Yeah, there it is. That's how you did it. That's how you ruined it. Count Duku wouldn't recommend this movie either, Stephen. So he launched...

Count Ducke would zap this movie with fucking lightning, man. I wish I could. He launches this EMP. He breaks down all their electric shit so they can, like, drive in or whatever. And by the way, this is definitely an easier way to do that, but sure. I mean, who knows? Well, here's the thing. Here's why you're doing it this way.

This movie is the plot of a video game. Yes. Oh, absolutely. And this scene very much so because he launches this EMP and drives into the place. And then you have Charlize like in his ear and she's like, all right, Toretto. Now you have to drive to the submarine on the other side of the compound. Once you get there, you have to drive underneath it and launch that EMP again. But hopefully by the time you get there, that EMP.

EMP has recharged to full power. Your father helped me like that too. Yes, dude. Are you kidding me? This is a fucking Star Fox mission if I ever saw one. Boo, bo, bo, da-da-ba. It's me, Falco. I am now playing the bird Falco. Dip-da-dip. I, too, am slippy.

I'm taking over this whole franchise. One-man show. Welcome back to Vin Diesel's Star Fox, a one-man show where I do all the voices. Dip-to-Dip. Dip, dip. I would buy tickets to that. That was like off-Broadway or something, for sure.

Off, off-Broadway, dude. He's doing the back of a fucking Burger King. Awful Broadway. I'm going to go behind this curtain and be the monkey Andross, where there's only a slit for my head and my hands. Gonna grab you. Dip-to-dip. Oh, I blew the line.

Dip-to-doop. I'm going to dip my hands into paint before I do Andros. Oh, Ben Diesel. He's not good. So why doesn't anyone have a fucking Jeep in this scene? Like, everyone's got these sports cars. We're driving on ice. Get a fucking four by four.

That's one thing I know. The Rock has something with like a fucking plow on it. That's what you want to be driving. He's the only one who's thinking. Well, they do make fun of Tyrese for taking the Lamborghini out. They're like, oh yeah, you feel bad selecting that Lambo! But like he's being. Your friend is currently being shot at.

Do you what the last thing he hears is your jib? Well, that dude, that is what these dudes, like, ride and die by all the, like, jib-jabbing and busting balls. They're also immortals. Oh, that's true. This is just the playtime of the gods. You're right. And they know that. They know that.

Fast 10 playtime of the gods. Yeah, because, I mean, this franchise is famous for, like, killing people off, bringing them back for no reason. Do you hear those car crashes? That's just God's bowling. There's a really bad thing where like when they all roll up

in their selected vehicles ludicrous has the tank, right? So there's this one shot. I don't know if you notice is they all speed in and the tank comes in. It is a CGI tank. Because they're making it move in a way that this tank

probably can't move. Sure. Like, it's sort of like power slides into a parking space. The movie costs $250 million. Man, that's outrageous. How? Well, because you got to pay for lines like, she just carjacked a submarine. Oh, my God, that's so stupid.

Oh, I'm sorry. In layman's terms, she just carjacked a submarine. I think we call that a subjack. Subject. Hey, you're subjacking over there or what? I got a subjack loan. Welcome to Toy World. So Vin Diesel

Unleashes his masterstroke Which is What's that, Steve? It's the British brothers of Jason Statham and Luke Evans Infiltrate this plane Right On orders

And then we start getting flashpacks of like Set it up, baby Set it up Statham and Helen Mirren Like having fun together And that's almost a fun scene I like kind of okay with it I find Jason Statham very pleasant

I think he's He's got, you know. Yeah, I don't mind him. I don't watch his movies, but if I find myself in a situation such as this, I'm like, all right. He's also very funny. Yeah, he's very funny. That, uh, spy movie. Yes.

Oh, my God, he's so fucking funny in that. Was a Paul Feig directed that movie? Yes, I think so. Yeah, I like him in those first two, uh, crank movies. No. Crank one is a great movie. Crank one is great. And the podcast.

My 1999 fat boy loves the lock stock and two smoking barrels and snatch, motherfucker. Have you watched either of those. as a grown adult. My 1999 fat boy loves it. I feel like I would like those movies. They still, they hold up. Yeah.

Do they really? Well, I didn't like snatch when it came out. Oh, then you're not going to like it. I liked it. But you know, you're watching those movies,

man, you gotta fucking sit through Vinnie Jones just being there. That's, that's the, that's the high water mark. You know what? I would take him as a baby killer in this.

Oh, he's killed babies. Yeah. On screen and off. Hey, Seypha, you want me a kill these babies? I'm smiling already

So they infiltrate this thing And like this is when Cypher's plans goes goes off the wheels Because the guys on the ground are fucking with their thing The girl from Game of Thrones is doing a bunch of hacking shore They're like hack fighting They're like yeah oh they're a little doing a hack fighting Which gets old really fast because like Ramsey's like All right I'm in and then Cypher's like nope

And then you see Rams like oh no she fucking locked me up out. Oh, I'll just get back in again. Yeah, I got it. Oh, I got it, but not again. It's so obnoxious. Oh, no. How about this? Okay. Oh, no. So all that happens, the Evans boys are going through the Evans takes the cockpit and

Statham is doing everything else. Which Luke Evans, by the way, he's a great actor. I like Luke, I like Luke Evans a lot. No, I do. My eyebrow is pretty high right now. Luke Evans has guest on in that live action Beauty and the Beast is fucking great. Can I just say I have no idea who that is? And I don't remember this character

in this film at all. He's the guy holding a gun to the pilot's head. He's got a fun mustache. He's in when Jason when Jason states of his dating with the baby. Remember that? This is the third appearance of Luke Evans and Eric's never been on any episodes. He was Dracula and Dracula

untold. Right. And he was like the other, the handsome cop in The Raven. Oh, fuck. Yeah, you're right. I don't think I'm meant to be existing in a same world. Did you see high-rise? No. Oh,

there's something preventing me from watching Luke Evans' movies. I watched this movie twice. I didn't notice him. Eric's like, who's talking? I don't see anyone in the frame. You don't remember. Wait, you don't remember Jason Statham dancing with the baby.

No. Wait, wait, yes. Yes, but Luke Evans is barely in this. Is he the baby? Yes. Yes.

Yes, the baby's name is. For the purposes of moving forward, yes, Luke Evans is the baby. He's got some nice headphones then. I will say that when I saw High Rise is like, oh, maybe Luke Evans can be good because he's been terrible and other stuff. But he was very good in High Rise. He is really good in High Rise. Which is not a good movie, but he's good in it. It's fine.

I've yet to enjoy a Ben Wheatley film. Really? I'm that guy. Free Fire is just all right also. Free Fire is a fucking great 20 minutes short. That's somehow 94 minutes. That's a hangover movie. I like Kill List a lot.

Oh, keep it. Keep it all to yourself. So, Statham steals the baby, and this is what we were talking about. He puts headphones on the baby. Beats by Dre. He sure does. It was probably to give him a Coke. Here, baby, drink this Coke.

Was this a takeoff of the face-off scene, you think? Oh, kind of sort of. It reminds me exactly of that scene. Like when the music's going on, the baby's in parol. Yeah, somewhere over the rainbow. And the baby's like, I'm a dumb baby. And there's like all these cool dudes doing muscle gun stuff

Doing those muscle guns Yeah dude Muscle guys like Nick Cassavetes He's the incredible Hulk in that movie Don't he is Yeah he's playing a fucking giant Monster in that movie Chris you might have been a little too early

You were too young I should say Back in one was that 97 Sure But that dude that was like This was like sexiest scene imaginable Oh okay You got like that that clear dome dude sure

Nick Cassavetti you got John Travolta and Nick Cage who were He does look like Sam the Eagle sexy Sam the Eagle

Great Could you imagine getting fucked by Sam the Eagle Ah We're fucking now Oh this is wrong So yeah

So Statham puts these headphones on And this is when he starts Doing karate around the plane And shooting and killing people And he's like Hey baby You're doing all right right and we get like he's on peep show for a while

because he gets all these like first first person shots of the baby the baby by the way is listening to the fucking chipmunks Christmas song put a bullet in my head yeah no thank you cut to 20 years later this baby you know totally you know he grows up normal although let's pretend he goes to foster care so he can grow up normal as opposed to being raised by

Dominic fucking Torreto right but like let's pretend you know he's just normal guy you know he's working an office job goes to his office party like oh you know it's fun that Christmas that chipmunk song he pisses himself and starts killing people he starts getting dizzy

as if he's been like thrown around or something and then he vomits that's how he's activated it's like silent night deadly night when they make him wear that Santa costume

he was his parents killer or whatever punish he starts killing everybody oh man that movie's pretty cool and then that second movie is just a clip show of the first movie

Yeah. Steve, remember me and you watched that movie one time at like 6 o'clock in the morning on my computer? There was no reason to do that. Nope, nope. But you found one. He sure did. So yeah, Statham is stathamming around this plane.

He's taking lives and then like comedically checking in on this baby. Twirling the baby about. Yeah, the physics with this baby, the baby is in like a little carrier thing. And he's like throwing it all over the cockpit. It's made to look like a super cam. carrier a little bit, right? Because it's like, it looks a little high-techer, maybe. I was kind of wondering if it was bulletproof, which would have been pretty cool.

Mr. Nobody's like, all right, a bulletproof baby carrier, sure, we got it. That'll cost $50 million. Close 12 schools in Texas. We got it. But this kind of makes sense because Vin Diesel has already done a baby action movie. That's right, the pacifier. So he's into baby action. He's into baby I'm sorry

Keep that in the toy store, man No, no, no, not those schools Close the ones that teach slavery was bad So that's going on I think he almost fights Cypher But then Cypher's like ha ha I'm going to leave Goodbye movie She has the line

I'm the only one in this room That has a parachute Sure is the thing And she just conveniently flies away And this is He'll be back after she shot the heat-seeking missile at Vin Diesel and all of them. And Vin Diesel's is like, oh, yeah, heat-seeking missile, I could drive.

Oh, wait, now the missile's going into you. That's pretty much what happens. It's going into you, submarine. That's audio from the film. Oh, and he also, you know, I wanted a better fight between him and the guy from Game of Thrones. Yes. He's set up, and they're both big dudes. Like, that's cool.

I was like, here we go. Fucking finally, Giants Bain, let's do it. Nope, five seconds. Well, because Vin Diesel's like, I'm not allowed to sweat in an action fight. If someone fights me, they quickly realize they've made a terrible mistake. Oh, so if I move too fast, I chronically fart.

And the movie's also over budget. So if I move too fast, it's going to cost too much to take it out. Speaking of over budget, how much did they have to pay Helen Mirren to say the devil's bunghole yeah two million dollars I bet you she came up with that line you think so I think so

I think she got into the spirit into the Vin Diesel spirit I'll do you one better I think she thought she was doing red three yeah I love these red movies where's Michael and Morgan no hell and it's fun no because you know there's like an X

there's like a a a DVD or Bluray extra somewhere where she has to just praise Vin Diesel's acting. Oh, of course. And his method. And how good he is at stunts. And he tried to teach me about games. She tried to teach me about Dungeons and Dragons.

Oh, right. I politely declined. The thing about Mr. Giants Bain getting killed so fast, we are made privy to one of the funniest shots I've ever seen in my life. The face, so Vin Diesel lifts this, dude up by the throat and starts strangling him or as I call it scream strangling

because he's strangling him and also just screaming like a maniac sure the face that Vin Diesel is making this fucking reaction shot to the strangling is grade A hilarious it's the funniest part of this movie that's actually a good question though is that why the rock and Vin Diesel don't get along because Vin Diesel's like hey man you're good to be part

of my new movie Fast 5 the cool thing is you can come over my house and learn how to do dungeons and dragons. Oh, the rock turned them down. Yeah, the rock was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm busy making nine other movies simultaneously. I'm actually a magic guy.

Oh, shit. Oh, man, tap that shit. That's for pussies. Well, actually, no, manna's pretty cool. That's the only thing I know about magic. That's the land. That's what you do first. I think that's as far as I've ever gotten. Somebody telling me how to play a man. Listen, you need enough for the man of the lands. And then you need enough of the

lands and then you have to tap them to bring out another card that it says at the top how much you need did you guys hear that door slamming really loud? Oh my God your AOL chat went off. That was my brain checking out as you talk about magic

the gathering. Ah, I was confused as much magic we were talking about. It's not Ricky Jay. Nor the Anthony Hopkins movie. Oh yeah, I wanted that movie to be better than it is. So that's, I mean So he chokes him to death.

They've stopped the nukes after, like, removing computer chips or something. Big explosions. There's a lot of business where we're driving on the ice and, like, Tyrese's, like, car goes out of control. And he's being... No one heated Christopher Walkins warning about the ice he's going to break. Yeah, there's like, like, I'm not kidding you, a dozen huge explosions on this ice lake. Yeah. And, like, it all holds other than those spots.

Yeah, well, it's like Siberia or something. You know, it gets pretty chilly up there. The water's like right there, though. I can't wait for the inverse of this. Once our empire collapses. Sure, any day now. Yeah, exactly. And then there's a movie where it's just like,

we've got to go to this American base. Well, actually, they're defectors. Americans had so many nukes all across the globe that it's fucking ridiculous. These defectors are fucking Cliven Bundy and his fucking incestuous bunch. That's right. Yeah. They call their compound, the toy. store.

Yes. And you know it's packed with fucking sex toys because they mailed them to all those dudes. You remember that?

Oh, right. Right? Yeah, they were getting all those fucking dildos mailed to them? Beautiful. What a beautiful thing.

I never get dildos mailed to me. On purpose or by accident. All right. Stephen Sadek. What's your address? What's your address? One, two, three,

Main Street. You got a P.O. box. Speaking of Jaws, by the way, the Rock definitely has a, we're going

and need a bigger truck line. Oh, fart to the movie. That sucks. Yeah, no, it's fucking terrible. Just clunkers upon clunkers. Totally. They win the day, and then Dom's like, sorry, I almost killed you all multiple times.

They save his life at the end of this big explosion thing. No one asks question one, which is the fuck. Yep. No one demands an explanation out of this man. It's like, there's that old Dom that. we know in love, and Michelle Rodriguez gives him a hug. Well, he should never have to explain himself. It's outrageous.

That's a continuous lesson throughout these movies. He should never have to. Because he doesn't have to. Yeah. But all that matters is you get an invite to his rooftop barbecue at the end. So many of these movies end with barbecues, dude, it's crazy. I believe this is the first rooftop

barbecue, though. Right, yeah. We'll class it up a little bit. Yeah, classes up. We're back in, we're in like Hell's kitchen for some reason. Yeah, who knows. We're having this fucking rooftop barbecue or whatever. Statham walks in with this baby. Kurt Russell, like the whole fucking cast is here. Mr. Nobody and his car are on this roof.

And like, I'm sorry, he's not coming to your fucking barbecue. No. And I do have to mention for our southern listeners, we're talking about grilling. I don't want to, you flip out right now or tweet at us. Yeah, no, we're not talking about grilling. Specific sauce. No, there's not a whole. There's not a whole pig going all night.

We're just at best making burgers. But Statham comes up. He's killed their friend. Like, he's killed this dude that was a dear friend to everybody there. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, hi. One cheeseburger, please.

Also, here's your baby. But, yeah, because he, he, the Prince Toretto. He saved the Prince Toreto. Oh, that's right. Then he gets a pass. Ryan Toretto. Chevy Torretto. The soul of Brian O'Connor.

Well, no, Brian's alive. What? Yeah. What? I'm not kidding you. He's alive. Fuck that. He didn't kill him off.

They never kill him off. Where is he? He gets out of the game, dude. He goes with Jordana Brewster. Are you fucking kidding me? This is what's... Show up to the movie then. No, he's dead in real life, fool.

Oh. IRL. But that's what, yeah, because in the middle of the movie, they're like, should we call Brian? And then someone's like, no, he's retired. He's out of the game. What's fucking? When does that stop anyone ever in a movie? Well, death.

Well, yeah, I know, but still. Just make him dead. Yeah, it's weird. You don't know about, like, the famous ending to the last movie where, like, him and Vin Diesel are driving cars alongside each other. And part of it's like a computer, Paul Walker. It's weird. Or maybe one of his brothers. His brother got, like, computer composites.

It's a weird mix. He leaves to take over the Death Star. They, the road forks, and they drive, like, on different paths. And it's a weird, poetic, bro. It kind of looks like Paul Walker's car is like driving into the clouds. Oh, fuck, going to heaven. But you know he's going to heaven because a Wiz Khalifa song's playing. Right.

Well, it's fucked up, though, Kevin, because am I remembering this right? He's still with Jordana Brewster in those movies. And Jordana Brewster is, her character is Toreto's biological sister. Yes. So it's like, I guess I just never see my sister again because Brian O'Connor's out of the game. It's like, yeah, but also, like, what about fucking family? That's like real family. No, I guarantee you.

Car family first. Next fucking movie, he drops Brian off with the sister. Jordana Brewster gets her fucking, you know, scene. And then they take a bunch of. And then he has to go and fucking, you know, hang out with the team again. No, but they also, in that scene, cobbled together different movie lines from Paul Walker. So he's like, oh, I'm just in the house. He's in the toilet

He's shouting from the toilet Yes, he's shouting from the toilet That has a bomb on it He's like, no, I'll figure it out on my own But at least in the Wikipedia They said that Jordan and Brewster Will probably be in the ninth movie Which is like, I'm sure

And that both Cody and some other Walker Have expressed interest in coming back And playing their dead brother No No, they can't do that I'm well aware of that Well, I mean you can express interest I suppose

Please write a letter for me And tell them not to do that Wait what would you actually wait a second What would you rather have in this situation Would you rather have A dude who kind of looks like Paul Walker Playing Paul Walker's character Or

This surrogate replacement played by Scott Eastwood I mean anything that gets me away From Scott Eastwood is where I want to go Whatever that is between those two things It's got to be one of the brothers If you do one of the brothers If you animate Paul Walker the way Like when George is trying to get that photo airbrushed

on Seinfeld and he's like you took out the wrong guy and then he draws him back in just a cartoon man I would rather watch that Paul Walker, Brian O'Connor return. I mean, Scott Eastwood, he's a car he takes up most of the screen. Takes him a while

to Parallel Park too. Why couldn't you just be I don't know, an accountant? You mean the accountant, Paul? I auditioned for you. No, no, I didn't say the accountant. Two other guests at this BBQ, by the way, you guys catch who was on the guest list?

No. Coca-Cola and Budweiser. Oh, right. Dude, when fucking Torretto is walking over to Lettie to present this baby who she will presumably, like, be helping take care of it. Oh, so the fucking end of fences, dude. Or are the middle of fences.

Those are the middle of fences. It's like, Ledi, they're sharing a bench. Lettie's on one side and this delicious, glistening ice-cold Coca-Cola bottle is on the other side. Letty, Coca-Cola, I'd like to introduce you to my son. This is right after, by the way,

Torretto looks to heaven and speaks to this dead woman. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take care of her. Don't worry about it or whatever. I'll fucking family first. I'm sorry, if we, you know, do all this shit, we steal billions of dollars,

and I come to your fucking barbecue, and all you have is Budweiser. I am leaving and I'm talking shit about you for weeks. I thought he like shit up and down. I thought he classically only drinks Corona. Yeah. You're totally right. And that's, dude, Naria Corona.

Maybe the bodega must have been out. Oh, they pulled their funding. Fuck. Oh, shit. Sorry at this barbecue, we're only serving bud heavy. I lost my Corona sponsorship. It's bullshit. That's what I.

I would say. So Scott Eastwood is part of this crew. Vin Diesel, it's his turn to say grace. Dude. Good God, would you just end the movie? You're saying grace, you've killed a hundred people. You're going to hell no matter what Touretto. Dude, you know the fucking easy passes we have as Catholics, dude?

You just step in that box on a Saturday afternoon, say you sorry, and then you're going to have it. He's more evil than Jack the Ripper. He's taking more souls with him. He is. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's the thing, Kevin. You're totally right. Everybody makes such a big deal about Jack the Ripper. No. When you really run the numbers. Dominic Tureto.

Jack the Ripper. History's greatest fucking monster. Is in heaven right now. Looking down at this. Oh, my God. Gentle soul. That's it. Jason Statham as a karate, Jack the Ripper.

Oh. Oh, fuck. That could be a villain in one of those Sherlock Holmes movies. Yes. Speaking of horrendous Guy Ritchie movies. Woof. Those are bad. So, yes.

The big reveal of the end is he's named the child, Brian. Who is it just my friend that I don't really call anymore. Who's my brother-in-law? Exactly. I mean, again, like, it's kind of nice to, like, you know, A, not to kill him in the movie, and B, like, to keep dropping these nice hints to him. I say kill him. But it's just bizarre.

It doesn't make sense of the world of the movie. It's an in-joke. But also, I think it's a little weird to make a big deal of that at the end of this. the seventh movie and then do another movie like honestly I just like why it's the seventh fucking movie

it's easy enough to walk away and the fucking thing in the ninth movie at the start have Toretto looking at a framed photo of Paul Walker and just be go cancer

and then put it back down you fuck cancer and that's it yeah you're done but apparently Vin Diesel had said publicly that Paul had said

publicly a couple times that the eighth movie was guaranteed. And he's like, well, if your friend guarantees a movie, then you got to make 10 of them. Exactly, dude. Oh, and that's credits. So would anybody recommend the fate of the furious?

No, and I really hope I don't have to see another one of these movies ever again. You will. Same boat as this guy. I hated this. I thought this was like unwatchable. This is awful. This is like easily the worst of all of these.

Voice of Descent. I'm recommending this. Good for you. Because they're fucking hangover movies, man. You fall asleep, you wake up. Kurt Russell says fucking Das Vidanya, car crashes and fucking submarine blows up. Okay. That's, you know.

Just okay. I mean, for all the terrible shit that's in this movie, which is, you know, we made abundantly clear. You know, I still enjoy the action stuff in these movies. That's the only reason I watch them. there's good shit. Even that fucking prison break scene, it's stupid, but there's good fight stuff going on. It's a totally brainless recommendation.

Like, don't go to these movies trying to better yourself. But, like, they're terrible, but they're, I don't know, they're stupid fun. I'm not a big car chase guy. That's the thing is I don't like. They're usually my least favorite part, even of a good movie that I like. I'm like, oh, the car chase was kind of like I tuned out.

That's when I go to the bathroom. You got me for one. Like, one big good one, like, you know, the end of French connections, stuff like that. A BORN movie. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. But, like, when you're doing it all. See, that's the thing, like a boring movie.

I need a plot. I know this has a plot technically. Technically. They'll tell you that. I can't say for sure it does. I need the connective sinew between scenes. Oh, you guys, there's a plot. It just doesn't make any sense.

That's all. Yeah. Great summation, Kevin. That is the fate of the Furious directed by F. Gary Gray. For more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at HeadGum. Rate and view the show wherever you get it. We'd greatly appreciate it. Like us on all forms of social media or out there.

You guys know where we are. Find us if you don't know. I mean, it's just We Hate Movies. Search on Facebook or at WHM podcast on Twitter, of course. Now next week, the worst or some of the worst of 2017 continues with where we go on this time? I think we're going to the bye-bye man. We are going to the bye-bye man. Oh, shit.

this guy. Don't think it. Don't say it, guys. He's such a cool dude. Am I the only one of this room who hasn't seen it yet? I think so, yeah. Oh, shit. Am I in for a treat? You are. It's a really stupid movie. I'm actually kind of thrilled to rewind. I'm kind of excited.

Drill. Cabin, what are you hard? Indifferent. This motherfucker's at the toy store right now. So until next week, where we say bye-bye, man. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.