We Hate Movies - S8 Ep336: Episode 336 - Geostorm

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

On this week's episode, it's the second-to-last (Some of) The Worst of 2017 episode and the gang is tackling Geostorm! How is this not just a disaster movie, but also a space adventure and political thriller? How does Jim Sturgess still have that haircut? And where the hell did Richard Schiff go? PLUS: Roger Clinton's Secret Service detail is tired of watching Nightbreed! Geostorm stars Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Alexandra Maria Lara, Daniel Wu, Eugenio Derbez, Andy Garcia, Mare Winningham, Richard Schiff, and Ed Harris; directed by Dean Devlin. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, some of the worst of 2017-month rolls along as we talk about Geostorm. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always.

Like I said, up top, it's Geostorm, of course, from 2017, directed by Hollywood mega-producer, Dean Devlin. Now, get this, ID4, that's our Independence Day, Godzilla, Stargate, Mel Gibson's the Patriot, ID4, Resurrection, or Resurgence, or whatever the fuck they called that turd. Resurgents? Resurgents. And now we're just directing this movie. And I looked on Wikipedia a little interesting knowledge there. Who dropped out?

Well, after poor test screenings, Dean Devlin got fired off a reshoots. Oh. And they brought in Danny Cannon. Judge Dredd. Judge Dredd, 95's Danny Cannon. Also of Gotham. Fuck, bringing in the big guns. But Dean Devlin was always the toad to.

to Roland Ember X Magneto You know what I mean? They were always This weird little villain team That came in this And re-tabic on the cinemas Yeah And he was always a thorn in the side

Of the lovable frat house He's an actual team Oh you're thinking of Dean Wormer Oh So this movie Can I tell me How movie critics get out of here Because they hate movie critics

They do especially The film critics from Chugg House Remember then the late Roger Ebert Was lampooned in Godzilla Oh, right. Dean Devlin signed off on that idea. He was like, I cannot believe you at least besmirched Independence Day, you son of a bitch. You went easy on him, Roland. You went easy on him. I want to burn that motherfucker's house down, Roland. That's my Dean Devlin. Easy now. Dean.

It is I, Roland Amaric, the scourge of Carpathia and the sorrow of Hollywood. Oh, mercy. So this movie, I never saw a preview for it. I barely knew Gerard Butler was in it until Chris Cabin told me last week. And even then it didn't register when he said astronaut Gerard Butler. Can I tell you?

I thought you were so excited for this. You didn't want anything spoiled. No, I went in coming. It was my Steve Sadeg, dude. I'm going in cold. The Frank Costanza. But here's the thing. Oh, my God.

I just thought this was like, speaking of Roland Emmerich, like a disaster movie with weather, This is a space adventure. This is a political thriller. This is a mystery. So did everyone. This movie should just be like, oh, no, there's a geostorm. It's actually happening.

And how do we stop it? Exactly. You get Paul Giamatti on the case. But no. Now I've got to solve this geostorm problem. Because he's that put-upon scientist in that rock movie. San Andreas. Yeah.

San Andreas looks like a masterpiece in comparison to this movie. Of course. I just got a cease and desist from the movie companies for torrenting videos and now there's a geostorm coming. Now that is a... If you make HBO more affordable, I won't have to fucking do anything.

I can watch it. So now, to set the stage, a geostorm. Yes. So those who don't know, it's a storm and then in the center of that storm are a bunch of nice crystals. You know, they're pretty. You can cut it open, put it on a necklace.

Oh, yeah. Dude, they're all like from Hank Schrader's bullshit gem collection. I forgot all about that. Oh, I didn't. Who inherited those when he croaked? Oh, I think the wife got him. Yeah, and then she threw him out. No, there's a nice little nook in her den with a picture of Hank and all the crystals around.

No, just a big one. Just a big one. Because here's what you do, dude. You sell the rest of them to a bunch of suckers with cancer who think they're going to help out. Got it. Got it. That's how that works. Smart. Smart move. So this movie, yeah, it's about a geostorm, which, yeah, is like, when the entire planet is covered in a superstorm. It opens, like, the Terminator.

It does. We are so far removed from reality. This should actually be a sequel to the day after tomorrow and or 2012. Because, like, you know what I mean? Like, make that the pre-opening. And then, like, this is the new movie wherein, like, to stop that from happening again, we create this literally a sky net. Are you saying, like, you will have like a previously-on little clips of John Cusack underwater

and then Gerard Butler being like, that ain't happening again? Not as long as I'm breathing. You know what, Dennis Quaid, I'm so glad you found your son. I'll never let that happen again. Whatever else computer dogs? I vow it to you. You know what, Louie and, You got out of a job.

Wow, sweet callback. Yeah, it's weird because it's like this little girl narrating, and she's like, first the machines. No, she's like, oh, this, this, like, my father. Whoa, my father's the fucking tag on the end of it, dude. He lives on now, only in my memory. It should be her like drunk at. In time, I became the leader of the great northern tribe.

It should be her, like, drunken. bar you know my father built all that right yeah you know all those fucking satellites that keep you alive my fucking dad made it man and it's this insane thing where like the world started having like extreme weather well that's not insane

that's going to happen well yeah it starts happening next year yeah we're told this movie started in 2019 this story starts a year from now well I think it starts a year for now because it was like shelved for like a year or two yeah oh right well because it was done

that was like at the end of 2016 when they switched directors. Wait, I'm sorry, they've been working on this movie since the end of 2016. Like 2014 or 2015. Yeah, it's been since 2015. Like, it probably was in script phase of 2014.

Gerard Butler actually looks worse than this now. Probably. He is disheveled in this movie to say the least. I'm not working out. By the way, you know what's a real stretch for me? Gerard Butler weather scientist. It's a big one. Gerard Butler colon the world's greatest genius of all time

Because this is like next level geniusry And he's throwing in everybody's face with an earshot So basically yeah The extreme weather happens We're told that lower Manhattan gets destroyed Two million people in the Middle East get killed Not a big not a huge deal Would you say two million people?

Not a huge deal we have to highlight all like the fucking rich bankers Down in Battery Park that got flooded Boohoo I do appreciate that that it got the destruction of New York City out of the way. Yeah, let somebody else handle it in the cinema for once. So all this stuff is happening.

Gerard Butler comes up with this idea, which is to create a net of satellites around the entire globe that will be able to control weather through pressure and other stuff, which doesn't make a whole other stuff. Okay. But the visual is they're bombing the weather.

Yeah, that's true. That's the visual. Yeah. It's ridiculous. We find ourselves, in this predicament as a society because we would not stop trying to help the coal miners. Those beloved heroes the coal miners. And now

look, bombing the weather. And now we have, and now there's no privacy whatsoever because it's literally a satellite every three inches as far as you move. Yeah, dude, like when you're born at the hospital there's a weather satellite shoved up your ass and it's like, here you go, now no more extreme weather for you. That's how they take temperatures

now. That's the future. Oh, you feel like You got a fever? Well, do, do, do, do. Here comes a satellite, shoving up your ass. And so they name this device, Dutch boy. I have a count on Dutch boy. You counted?

I counted. I did my, it was a Herculean fucking... You're like a Dutch master. It's above 30, right? Actually, no. No, no, 89. 89. All right, so you got 30, 89.

I'm going to say 23. Ooh, well, I kind of tip my hat by saying no to Chris. I was listening. I'll change mine to one. Oh, wow. No, 26. Ah, well, I won't. Give or take, because at some point

my eyes glazed over and then people would like double up real quick. I'm like, oh, I missed one. It's double Dutch boy. But they are fucking talking about somebody stammers. Dutch boy. Because it's also called like the ICCS.

Like that's the technical name for it, which is like international climate control satellite system. Whatever it is. That sounds so much better and more professional than Dutch boy. Oh, Dutch boy's a little sick today. Oh, you caught a little bit of cold Dutch boy.

And now this spaceship or whatever it is, conglomeration of satellites or whatever, is named that because apparently a Dutch child at one point put his finger into like a dam or a crick and stop the flooding. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's some sort of story. There's a little Dutch boy that's...

He stuck his finger in the dam and saved the... down or whatever. That's kind of like that. Yeah. But there's like multi-trillion dollar operation. This is one of those now clearly total fake futures where any country would want to participate with us on anything ever again. We're the leader.

Also, even if the earth was dying and there were storms and New York cities destroyed, United States government is not funding NASA. No, it's a fucking Chinese hoax. NASA? no extreme weather all right that i that i knew well no this is written in the optimistic year of 2014 when we still had hope on this well well i i think that's uh i think that changed like the the globalist quote unquote changed of all this i think that came with the new director oh because the the original i think they kicked off uh the girl from vikings um got me swinging

She played the wife And it sounded like more of a like We're gonna get together at the end 2012 type movie Oh the woman who's just seen like with the daughter In the house like the ex-wife? They recast her Completely

Really I know I was predicting that That Ed Harris was added to this movie after that I'm with Eric on this conspiracy theory Because he makes no sense Aside from a political reshoot That you're like oh there should be a more fun political angle Why have the Democratic National

Convention in Orlando. Did someone lose a bet? I had the same thought. The answer is yes. It's a swing state. It's a swing state. Oh my God. Yeah, the thing about it is

I don't need to be watching what I think is a disaster movie, only to have it to become a space adventure, also then to fuck my throat with this Pelican brief fucking... Radioland murders. That's what it is.

is. It's Radio Land Murders. Who done it? Dude, what are we even talking about? And spoiler alert, Ed Harris is the fucking dude behind it, all the Secretary of State. Of course he is. That's the only function is he's a big name that does nothing. Yeah, because, okay, he's got like 10 minutes maybe. Maybe.

Big, maybe on that. Right? Like, come on. He could have done, he did this in an afternoon. Yeah, he Christopher Plummered this shit. So we open on some sort of House Committee meeting about, a House Oversight meeting about the Geostorm satellites or what we call the Dutch boy.

And on his way in, so Gerard Butler single-handedly saved the world, period. Pretty much. End of sentence. That happened. And he had the idea and that's the whole thing. And like, this one guy, the security guard on Gerard Butler's way, and he's like, hey, man, aren't you the Geostor?

Aren't you the Dutch boy guy? Yeah, you created Dutch boy. I'm like, this guy would be more famous than anyone in the world. If you saved the world like that, like, yeah, you're Superman. He changed the world, too. Like, the entire world revolves around these, like, weather satellites. I bet he fucking created some jobs for some stubborn miners, too. Might just have done it.

What would they be mining? Nothing. They were trained in a new fucking job. God damn it, miners, get it together. Hold on a second. Yes. A new job? I thought I, wait, no, no.

I thought we were getting our jobs back. I didn't want a new job. I can't keep track of my job. I want my Hollywood video job back, man. That's what I'm waiting for. Yes. Bring it back. Badness.

So he goes in, he runs. This is a thing which I think might be a reshoot because this movie is top heavy with Richard Schiff. And you're waiting for Richard Schiff to come back. Dude, there is nothing worse than getting, like, Richard Schiff. Get the short shift. I got short shift in this movie, man, because he's in this scene. He faces off.

He goes tete-a-tete with Gerard Butler in this scene and then has never heard from again. Well, he was clearly supposed to be like the Dick Cheney asshole from fucking day after tomorrow. Sure. Like, I'm sure they cut him out completely. Or like, you know what? I want him like him, like one of these scenes when the whole weather's going crazy later. Like he's like, I had a beach house and he like shits his pants. Yes.

Oh, man. I was wrong. His cummuppance, yeah. So he's like... Or he's just somehow torn apart by two different Tyrannosaurus wrecks in this film. They just always follow a tear him apart. So he's like a senator or congressman

at just like congressional hearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes off on Gerard. But like, Gerard Butler's got no fucking time for this dude because he's the best guy on the planet. Yes, he's the best. He's the best man for the job. He's number one dad.

I mean, he's everything. He's a top 10 lover. Employee of the month. it's amazing amazing man he like comes an hour late and blah blah they're like you know you do did this

you know he's flying by the seat of his pants weather satellite controlling the world wise I guess is which is you know well that would go to your head I'd wager so basically at the end of this meeting he is stripped

of all duties regarding Dutch boy because he blows it he starts yelling at this dude and it's this obnoxious like oh yeah you don't think we know about your mistresses in Washington. It's one of these, like,

what are you, you are so off base from where you need to be as far as complaining to Richard Schiff about whatever your point is. He's just rambling. He's like your fucking

drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. He kind of is. I think he's a little toasted to this meeting. That's where the hour went. And now his brother is also in on this satellite business

or whatever. And apparently he's taken over the Dutch boy biz. Right. And no Dutch for you, Gerard, you're out of there. That's right. So it's Jim Sturgis, who's never been in anything I've cared about. Not that I know of.

I don't think so, no. They're trying hard for Jim Sturgis' circle like 2006. Oh, man, 21. Oh, I skipped that one. You ever see that fucking Beatles movie? What an atrocity. What an absolute atrocity. I think that's got to be a state of you.

I mean, who wants to see a movie about bugs? Come on, Jesus. What movie is this? Across the universe? Oh, God, no. Where it's like just the world's worst musical. It's so bone-chillingly terrible. Wasn't he also in that movie one day or something like that?

Yes. Dude, that movie fucking sucks a dog's ass. What a snore? What is that? It's like him and Anne Hathaway. They're like star-crossed lovers, this, that, and the other thing. and then it's like a totally fine charming romantic movie and then she gets fucking drilled by a car at the end

fuck you you manipulative piece of shit movie oh I got steamed in the theater for that I didn't know cars drill you know what needs to be retired in this role for Jim Sturgis it's his trade haircut yeah oh my god that haircut thank you for bringing it up it looks fucking awful it's his trademark fashion mullet which he's had

through all of these terrible movies yes you're absolutely right And this one, he's supposed to be the buttoned-up brother. Like, you know, Gerard Butler does the science, and he does, like, the business or whatever. Right. Like, he's like, well, I know how to talk to these people. I mean, he's like, oh, you're such a stuff shirt. Well, then get a fucking haircut kid, all right? Yeah, exactly.

Also, you're 30-something, the fashion mullet is closed for business. Did anybody else get to see an episode of that show with him and David Schwimmer? Oh, Steve and I were talking about this the other day. What's a belly of the beast or something? Something of the beast. Feed the beast. Hogwild, what's it called? What?

Him and Schwimmer are like restaurant owners and the party pigs. Welcome to Hog Wild, may I take your order? Oh man, I'm such a tough restaurant tour. I just care about the food. Like I would actually have to start a podcast to talk about. Really? Like that shit

is fucking ranted. Are you talking? It's slap level. It's the slap level? It's not like as contrived as that. But like it's really fucking stupid. It was a lot because it's a show set in the Bronx that I didn't watch. I didn't bother watching. It hinges on me believing that Jim Sturgis is a badass. That's a problem. Is the swimmer supposed to be kind of tough too? No, well, like, he's more of the brains of the operation. Well, they both had like cool tattoos in that

poster I saw from the subway. But this is sort of, I'm glad you brought that up because this is why this movie has a big problem, where in it's Gerard Butler who's Scottish and Jim Sturgis who's British. And Sturgis is, and they're both playing Americans, which makes no sense, just make them from the UK. And Sturgis is doing this bad like New York accent because that's how he learned how to do it. And like Gerard Butler is just doing his best

which is not very good. Well, and there is just a quick course correction. There is a bit of we're trying to, we're trying to adjust speaking of course correction. Like Gerard Butler has a line where he's like, yeah, we're from the UK and we moved here. Just be like we moved here when I was like 25 and my accent

was like built the fuck in. I think it's like the Nolan brothers, right? Jonathan Nolan, he talks like he's from Chicago or something, right? And Chris Nolan talks like a Brit, right? Oh yeah. Because they lived in both locations. Listen to any of those guys

listen to either of those dudes talk. It's very disorienting because like the accent kind of tunes in and out and you're like, what it way? Where are you from? Yeah, if they both talk at the same time, it like achieves the brown note. so that's how you get that done yeah it's just it's so

I mean look here's the thing Gerard Butler whether he's been good in stuff whether he's been bad in the stuff germster has only been bad and stuff that accent is just really tough to cover up and that's okay

all you have to do is either not acknowledge anything or let him be Scottish because nobody cares He's just doing his 300 voice. Yes. That's what he always does. Yeah.

With this show. Flatten it out. Oh, I didn't know you had an order for that. Just tick it nice and slow. And by the way, we get it that we're criticizing this while also doing terrible Gerard Butler. Oh, of course. But listen, this is not an impression of the Scottish people. It's an impression of Gerard Butler, so let's all get over it.

It'll all be fine. So he gets fired. now we cut five years later. I think we're in like 2055 at this point. Like I really lost the threat about when this thing. It just keeps going, man. You can't have like an opening sequence that starts in 2019

and then sometime passes, then there's a scene, and then five years pass. I totally lost it. It's been after the replicant uprising. Now I'm living here on this trailer. I don't know what voice I'm doing. You're fine.

It's a Gerard Butler impression. It's show, why not? So there's a, a problem on Dutch boy. We opened back and Afghanistan has been frozen solid, which I think the entire the global community who had raised their

eyebrows like, really? That happened by accident? Yeah, totally, dude. Okay. Yeah, just like all those fucking funerals and weddings that got accidentally bombed. Whoops. Yeah, I just don't feel like and that's the thing is like there's never, oh, that's the thing. So the U.S.

has it now and at a certain amount of time, it will be given over to the international community. Oh no. That's like playing Russian roulette with a storm. Did you work in the advertising business for this movie? No, no, but speaking of the advertising for this movie. Oh, sure. I unearth

this today, and it's a real unearthing because no one ever saw it because the advertising for this movie was so bad. But they did a prank video on YouTube. Shut up, no. Dude, they did a fucking Hey, man, Geostorm prank, man. So you get into a taxi cab in New York.

Uh-huh. And no. This is, you get into a cab and it was the video you saw on the cab? No, no, listen to that. Sort of. They got, they fucking got everyone involved in this prank. Was Richard Schiff there? No, but Pat Kiernan from New York.

Oh, beloved Pat Kiernan. He was on the taxi cab news and he was like reporting about how like there's a geostorm like hitting. Oh, man. I got to watch. just to hear Kiernan say geostorm. And they're like, oh, it's going to be like this big ice storm. And, like, people are like, but it's summer. What?

And then they drive down this one block that has fake snow in it and, like, frozen construction workers. Oh, Jesus. And it's just like, oh, you got geostormed. And, like, no one has any real reaction to this or cares. I can't wait. And it's only got like, it's got like less than, it's got 30. Where, no, 300,000 or less views on YouTube, which seems low for Warner Brothers.

I think they did 300,000 or less admissions to this movie. I would say if, you know, it's going to really suck when you're the last living human being in like 2024. And you watch that video and you're like, yeah, it sure was fun to talk about climate change that way. What a prank. It's a prank by the Chinese, by the way. so there's

Afghanistan freezes they bring everyone in for this cabinet meeting we discovered that Jim Sturgis is romancing Abby Cornish who's a secret service agent for you know

for reasons yeah what has she been in three billboards who's she in three billboards she's Woody Harrelson she's a second billboard she's in sucker punch

oh that's who she is because let me tell you I'm sure she is a perfectly nice person this is a reprehensible performance and listen it's probably not all on her there's not a lot of here the writing in this movie is terrible horrid

but Jesus Christ every time this character opens its mouth I was like you have to stop this it's just well it's like supposed to be like super serious but also flirty which is a very hard thing to pull off and it just comes off like robotic the entire time it's like what Jim Sturgis is that his name? Yeah yeah yeah he's all like

well like you know you love me and I know you're a secret service, but like, would you take a bullet? Like, if the terrorist was coming or something, she was like, would you save the president or would you save me? And she says the president. Right.

And also it's important to know that they are engaged to be married. So, you know, this is going to last. That's why. Thank you for your loyalty. Well, honestly, yeah, they're not engaged at first. It's only at the president's bidding that they get engaged. President Matchmaker.

By the way, President Andy Garcia, who I would vote for. Oh, absolutely, cross the board. But I was saying this is why Clinton Eastwood's character in a line of fire is not married because at every wedding ceremony, like, would you take this woman? Yeah, but I wouldn't take a bullet for her. Sickness, health, all that good stuff. But I would not take her in a bullet. It's Ronnie first.

You second. I was secretly married to Ronald Reagan. And then when he left office, I was secretly married to George H.W. Bush. And then when he left, I was secretly married to Roger Clinton. I got the names mixed up. It was a mistake. I'll be honest. I gave a hand job to Carter.

Roger, Roger won't sign the papers, though, so my money's all time. Oh, boy, hand job. Now, wait a second. Here's a question. Beer me, you fucking buffoon. You're my husband now. When Bill Clinton was in office. I can't wait for a woman, president.

I'm the only Republican that wants it because I desperately want to marry a woman. I've married so many men. We should say, Every secret service agent has to marry the president. Yeah, that's how that's married. The job, the president is your job. Now, here's the thing, though, when Bill Clinton was in office, those two terms. Yeah.

Did Roger Clinton have a secret service detail? Oh, he had to have, yeah, for sure, yeah. Does it go that deep with relatives and whatnot? They watched him eat a lot of TV dinner. I was going to say, dude, those two secret service agents, that's a fucking book to be running. A lot of different strokes reruns. A lot of TV reruns, buckets of chicken. Oh, man, he's watching this again?

Well, I think that the standing order is very rare for a Secret Service agent is if they were ever a kidnapping attempt on his life, just take him down. Like, literally, like, you know what, fuck the leverage, just put a bullet in the back of his head. Make everybody have him. Oh, my, oh my God, he's watching Nightbreed again. He knows too much. They can't take him alive. Oh, man, you know what? If anyone tries to put him in the back of a van, just put him down.

Roger can't come to the phone right now. He's watching Studs again. He's watching something called Rhinestone. So this is all going down, which I, 20 minutes ago. No, so basically the Afghanistan is frozen. Oh my God, there's something wrong with the satellite. Jim Sturge is like, we need to get a team up there, get 30 people up there. They'll fix it.

The whole satellite system because it's kind of important as it's propping up the entire world at this point. Well, we're missing Jim Sturge is firing his brother. Oh, that's right. He did fire Gerard Butler. Flashback three years again. He tells off Richard Schiff and Jim Sturgis is texting him like, let it go, let it go. And he's like, and another thing. I thought the West Wing was overwritten and you didn't do that good a job.

Who's really walking and talking like that? So then Jim Sturgis is like, all right, dude, here's the spoiler. I just was made president of this thing and you're fucking fired. Yeah. And so three years in the future, this thing is breaking down. And we're having a meeting in the situation room. It's President Andy Garcia, Secretary of State Ed Harris. Mayor Winningham is here for two seconds.

And I think this is another, like, we're kind of deleting a character here. I think there was... Mayor Winningham, she was part of the brat pack. She's the girlfriend in Turner and Hooch. Okay. She doesn't act a lot these days, but let me put Mayor Winningham in a movie that's for a reason. And she's just, I don't even think she speaks really. She has like one line.

In this scene and then that's it. But then so it's like this big thing. There's a bunch of people around this table. And then Jim Sturgis is off to the side. And it's your usual Washington clap trap. And they're like politicizing this whole thing. And Jim Sturgis is like, 300,000 people died, bro. Come on.

We're talking about people's lives here. I'm an all-American. God. Okay, Jim. And Andy Garcia's like, God damn it. That man is right. I will not acknowledge anything that man says until he gets a haircut. That's been the rule for a very long time.

We've got one in here, you know. We've got many bobbers. Actually, a haircut like that, dude, he could be duping Andy Garcia in those oceans movies. Oh, that's true. He's always got to be aware of those oceans boys. Well, no, because he sticks out like a sore foreman. fucking thumb with his hair cut. Who, Andy Garcia?

No, Jim Sturge. Oh, yeah, if he was in the crew. That's an idea. Do an Oceans movie about the White House, man. Oh, yeah, dude. See how Danny Ocean Fares this time. Well, I guess the sequel to Oceans 8 would then be Oceans 9, I'm imagining. Or at least, maybe let's put the difference.

Do Oceans 10, it's men and women can be part of the team? No, I think after they're going to just do Oceans 9-11. Yeah. Where they have to break into the World Trade Center. And then one of those idiots gets a plane. That's not how you do it You know I made the Ocean's 9-11

joke to myself quiet Oh wait wait Was I just saying something? You blacked out for a moment You said the loud part quiet And the quiet part loud unfortunately So yeah the idea is like Andy Garcia's like no

The only way this is going to work Is if we send one person up there That we can control And which makes absolutely zero sense Sure You always send a team It's also you're going to put one guy on a spaceship. I know it's like the future

or whatever. Like that makes zero sense. Oh boy, do I love that. This solo space. We'll get there. But like he's like, all right, we had to send one guy up there that we can control it'll be fine. And Ed Harris is like, it's got to be the guy that built the thing, which makes a lot of sense. And that's this guy, Jake

Lawson. Jake Lawson. All-American. Jake Truth Daughter. I was just eating beef. I was watching. the Dallas Cowboys, which is our team, which are the American team, right? Getting a tattoo of a hot dog.

What's your favorite Dorito? My favorite Dorita chip is flavored red, white, and blue. I like American football as it lets people wear padding. I can't do it. No, it's fucking bullshit. Bullshite. Fucking passes out. he starts having a seizure.

His little daughter is like, I overheard you're going to space today? He's like, yeah, that's right. I wasn't going to tell you. I'll be back in a few weeks. I love that. You were just going to go stay with your mother while I sneak off to space really quickly.

What a terrible father. This girl is, you want to talk about fucking dog shit. This little girl's performance, the script is wretched. Wow. Wow. Wow. I am opening fire on a little girl right now. There's such a thing called cyberbullying.

That's true. And this is a new initiative. Well, no, the good thing is this is a... This is rated E, so she can't listen. She's not allowed to listen. Oh, oh, I'd go fucking crazy. But no, it's just this overwritten, precocious little girl character, which is like...

Because she's, like, very upset that he's going to go, and he's like, but I'm coming back, I promise. And she's like, yeah, but you're not exactly the reliable type. And I'm like, dude, no little girl. No, little human under the age of 40 says the reliable type. She's like, fuck you, dad. I saw Armageddon. Oh, man, this movie saw Armageddon a lot.

Big time. Also, she is one of the worst lines of all time when, so Jim Sturges shows up to, like, recruit Gerard Butler. They haven't spoken in years, what with the firing. And she's like hanging. She's like, she built a solar panel like in their backyard. And she's like, hey, uncle, whatever the fire. What's this guy's name? Dan?

I think he's Max or not? He's Max. And she's like, oh, hey, Uncle Max, how's it going? I thought you were supposed to be a part of my life. I was like, man, you know what?

If I was Jim Sturgis, I would ignore her and just make a B-line for the house. Dude, I sir. Yes, that'd be great. I snubbed her. I see I made the right choice. Oh, by the way,

while this is all going on and why they need Jake Lawson, is Hong Kong has like their own 75, 9-11 in this... Oh, my lord. This is a bad one. These buildings are going down

like Domino's. Yeah, it's crazy. It's bad special effects. That's what it is. This is the worst special effects of the movie. This guy named Chang is... He's like working with Jim Sturgis.

He discovers something. And before he can get in touch with him, the whole fucking street gets on fire. Yeah, I thought this was lava at first, but it's just like superheated gas lines are exploding. In Hong Kong. I had no idea what was happening. I also thought it was like,

the core. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, oh, cool, lava. It looked like the end of Dr. Strange. Yeah, it totally did. It might be the same street,

to be quite honest, yeah. Dormammu, we have the Dutch boy here. That's another flat American accent. That's more believable. That Dr. Strange built this thing than Gerard fucking Butler. He has to fly into the geostorm

get killed a thousand times. How much do you have to like pay Dr. Strange to stop global warming? There's got to be a spell there. Everybody has to, has a price. Definitely got to get like Captain America out of jail, all that shit. Yeah, you got to give me all the 70s music.

What kind of music did I like in that movie that's totally been dropped? Oh, my blood is boiling. I'm now married to Dr. Strange. I knew this is too high a price. That go tea tickles. You know, I had to resign in 2008. I resigned for eight years. you know why

Bonespurs He always wants to take peyote When we fuck You know the great thing About fucking Dr. Strange is He doesn't have to hand you a towel afterwards The fucking cape will just come over And help clean up

It just starts playing the music from Fantasia When all the brooms are sweeping I'm not sure We've got a very active fan community was that the raunchiest joke ever told on this show it could be what that was not even close yeah that was basic stuff um that's something this little girl actress could hear the one that steve hates so gerard butler agrees and he gets launched into space and this like pop over to space real quick dude this like space commuting it's like going to new york to

Chicago it is it's a space commute dude that's what's going on he's sitting on a fucking spaceship with a bunch of commuter seats and it's like being on the Staten Island ferry like you know the middle of the morning Oh no there's something there's something wrong here in this I'm just a space commuter I didn't sign up for this trying to do Liam Neeson and the commuter

It's not happening It's there it's almost there We would never have enough space capacity Within like the near future where it would ever make sense To just to send one guy into space send him in a bunch of screws or something you know what i mean like a supply run something what's happening here i've got all this orange juice i'm sitting a bunch beside a bunch of screws now that the world is finally dying from extreme weather the uh the rich people figure it out like okay shit like we can't

really you know renewable energy has to happen now but you know maybe we could sell insane amounts of rocket fuel to the government guy i like something right Which, by the way, the end game of all this, Ed Harris, like, what he wants to happen. Yeah. Essentially does happen. Yeah. And, like, so he's successful.

This whole, like, he's the winner, yeah. Yeah, he really, like, most of the fucking planet gets wiped out. Well, we, we as the audience win, because we get to get treated to Z, G, which is zero gravity Gerard. Oh, man. This is madness. He stops the movie dead and he's like, well, I'm taking. my belt off. Ooh, this is kind of fun.

I'm flying around like an astronaut. It is so stupid. And then the guy has to stop him, like the nasty guy is like, uh, sir, if you look out your window you'll see the fucking satellite. Sir, people are melting. Hong Kong is no more.

It's like, you battle rule. I mean, I guess it's like, you know, it never, it never, uh, the awe. Yeah, you know, it never, it never stops being awe-inspiring. I mean, I just imagine him doing the Homer Simpson thing and like eating

chips. Oh, that's zero gravity. So, of course, he walks in, he's immediately the fucking cock of the walk. He's telling this German commander who, this is all the international space station, by the way. So, like, Dutch boy is like the satellite network all over the planet, but it's

all maintained and operated through the international space station. Sure. Yeah. This German astronaut, she's like, oh hey i'm you know the captain of the space station right now and gerard butler's walking around and he's just like oh yeah like that thing's crooked oh i heard that thing over there is rattling you got to change that out boy who's the fucking idiot that runs this place now and she's like

that would that would be me that's my that's my thing yeah he says oh just gotta teach somebody about giving a shit which is kind of a great line god damn um and also by the oh someone had died recently on the spaceship we oh right this guy this set You think he's a saboteur, but he's actually a good guy, I guess. That was really confusing because it's a dude. He's got a thing. He puts it in a locker. And then he's like, he's like, it's an iPad that like he transferred documents from the state.

Hollow frame. Oh, yeah. They say it 77 times. It's a weird, like, because it's just a little bit in the future. You like flick a little, like, stick and a screen pops out of it. Yeah. But yeah, but this dude like steals this thing and you're like, what is this guy his deal? And then he's like walking down a hallway and the door closes in front of him and he's like, mommy. And just all of these things start blasting out.

Like this hallway starts blasting out and this dude just gets sucked right out. It's pretty great. Yeah, we like that part. Yeah. It's a decent death. But what's great is they don't know that like Ed Harris is essentially sabotaging everything. So they're basically like, hey, Gerard. Butler. Your piece of shit

Dutch boy thing's only been online for three years or whatever it is and it's falling apart. You have to come up here and figure out why this is falling apart. In eight of that he's like giving this woman shit and like he he meets this team of scientists. The only one of

note is this British guy who's like a sexy Dennis Nedri I guess. Uh uh uh oh you didn't say the sexy word. Yeah. But it's just like yeah It's this, yeah, this British scientist, a woman from Africa. Oh, and you also have Hernandez who becomes really important at the end of the reshoots.

I mean, at the end of the movie. Oh, right, Hernandez, who, until the very important reshoots, the, like, big claim to fame is Gerard Butler being like, A Mexican. Or, like, however this dude is treated. Played by Eugenio Durbez, soon to be in the Overboard Remake. Oh, right. Yep. Goo.

So they should have set that in space Like they did It was called passengers Oh god I did not I skipped it I skipped it The CGI I threw this whole thing It cannot be stressed enough

It is terrible Olympus has fallen London has fallen level I would say But this is put out by fucking Warner Brothers I know What are we doing? It just was clearly like

Nobody's top priority Like a project nobody loved And they're like yeah less money Yeah no less money keep going you can go lower and I mean it was a disaster here

like it only made like 33 million which is not much but abroad it made a lot of money it made like 170 million dollars who's responsible for that China? China stop going to the movie

China made it made double what it made here I can't believe this movie made that money That's such a bummer. How about this, dude? We do like an oceans type of heist to steal it back. Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Here we do. We get cabin to go to every single Chinese movie house. Sure. Sounds like a good idea. Somehow we get money. We rob Chinese president, Andy Garcia. What we need to do is two of us need to comically argue in front of him. Okay.

And then he's going to be so distracted we can steal all that money. Oh, right. Because that's how all of that works. It's like two people comically argue in front of someone. Exactly, which is what a podcast is. So we've been training for this heist our entire lives. I'm going to have to request an Eric Siska version of Secret Agent Man for when I'm doing my work to play over it.

I'll have to look up the lyrics, but I will give it to you. So Gerard Butler at one point is like, oh, I think it's this mechanism. I got to go check this thing out. So he goes on a spacewalk. And it just turns disastrous immediately. Right, because they're looking for the, what the fuck? The holocross? One of the panels.

The fucking iPad or whatever. They're looking for the hollow frame thing. Which is stuck in the side paneling, the vinyl side. Well, no, that's a whole, it's like a, like one of the panels had the virus in it. The virus that we turns out. I forgot there's also a virus. It's a computer virus that's in the. Dutch boy. Yes. That I guess that is what's responsible for icing out Afghanistan. Yes. And

burning Hong Kong alive. Right. And the evidence of this is in one of the panels of the hallway that got shot out that killed MacBoo. So he has to go and do a spacewalk, which yes, some saboteur is sabotaging him and it turns into gravity like five minutes in. Totally. Just like a really bad gravity. And he is flying all over this fucking thing. And they're trying to get him back. And they're trying to get him back. And then he It's kind of my favorite part of this movie. He looks and he's like, oh, no, I'm going to fall on the moon. Because he's like, he's sliding across these solar panels and they're shattering and he can't get a grip on anything. And you see him like turn around and look over his shoulder and he just sees the moon.

And then everybody instantly inside is like, we're going to lose him. I honestly thought we were going to like cut to like eventually like, oh, he's gone. And then they're going to go to the moon. moon to pick him up and he's going to be standing there with that flag that Buzzy Aldrin dropped. Oh, totally. And it's just like where you been? Or whatever, right? Holding the flag. It's going to be like the end of space

cowboys. Oh yeah. He's just sitting there and they leave him behind. No, yeah. It's so it's him Tommy Lee Jones. Is Tommy Jones one to leave behind in that? Yeah. Yep. It's him Tommy Lee Jones, nuclear man from Superman 4 and three to four transformers.

They're all playing poker together. Oh, and as someone who was nude, moon trap. Yes, that sounds about right. You're opening bid Decepticon. How the fuck is Gerard Butler not in any of those movies? That's a great question. When Mark Wahlberg gets tired of it, they might just send it to him, I think. The main franchise, at least. How many more do you think we're going to see? Well, we got a bubble be cutoff. There's a whole universe being planned.

Fucking bumble. A universe. Yes, a whole universe. What do you mean a whole universe? Like there's multiple spinoffs, and those spinoffs are going to have sequels. So, like, they're going to create a whole fucking thing. Can I tell you, speaking of universes, I finally watched The Mummy. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That movie's embarrassing. It's really bad. It's so boring bad, though, right? It's boring bad, which is a big problem. Let's address this right now. Some people have been like, well, why aren't you doing the Mummy? Why aren't you doing the Snowman? And the reason is, some of these movies are just too dull to talk about.

Yep. Exactly right. Yeah. Boy, oh, boy, is the mummy terrible. I just couldn't even believe it. Russell Crow doing kind of, I mean, many people have pointed this out, but sounding exactly like Sebastian Gorka is kind of amazing. If you can find that real, that would be good.

Russell Crow fucking go into the Sizzler salad bar fucking three times a shoot. Yeah, he's very puffy in that movie. He's just stopped giving a shit, which good for him, man. Good on you. What I love, though, is the audacity of the beginning of this movie where it's like, the universal logo flies around and then it's like, well, we're going to take one more trip around the sun because we have

to say dark universe oof, embarrassing. Oh, right, that's the universe you're tight. I forgot about that like a boarded cinematic universe. But that's three times they failed that one already. Dracula untold, mommy, and what else? I made that up. Boss baby,

they were, Guillermo del Toro was supposed to be in charge of it, but then like dodge that bullet. He decided to do anything else. Yeah. I mean, it might have been better if he was. So, yeah, on earth, as it is in heaven. No, on earth,

Jim Sturgis is getting the idea that there is something going on. He talks to some hacker friend of his. I think it's Julia Roberts. They're uncovering the fucking Pelican Brief. It's as he beats from Atlanta. Oh, she's funny. She's great in Atlanta.

She's good in this. She's funny, but like, it's just a character nobody wants. It's just another character. It's also, this character is there to facilitate, like, you still fucking that secret service chick or what? And he's like, what are you talking about? He's still fucking that secret service, dude. He's like 80 years old.

Yeah. What's that about? We're fucking. I'm going to put this picture of John Malkovich over your face tonight. But yeah, he's like, hey, I can't access this thing. And she's like, so what? happens all the time. And he's like, no, I can't access, like, the satellite info for this whole area. And she's like, ma'er, sounds like a computer mystery. The dumbest part of this

entire movie, I think, is so Gerard Butler understood something bad is going on the space station. Jim Sturge is understanding something bad is going on Earth. They have a... We should say that Gerard Butler lives through that... Oh, yeah, he makes it. Oh, yeah. They reel them back in. He secretly gets the holocron and gets back into the base and acts like he doesn't have it. That's right. So that the saboteur will be thrown off the trail of this. But somehow Gerard Butler is hip to that, but he's only been on the space station for like 10 minutes. He's a genius.

Listen, because he fell or whatever happened on that spacewalk and he's like, I can't get up. He's like, I can't ever fail. There must be a saboteur. I've never done anything wrong in my life. My device that I invented is so perfect. Yes. That there's no way it could be failing. It must be sabotage.

I mean, they must want to kill him immediately because he's going around like, you know the transmission, you know, the transmission, you know. Oh, yeah. Oh, that German woman wants to cut his throat. Pop the hood, let me take a look. You got this all wrong. So, but he knows.

Arnold? I think that might have been Arnold. he understands something's going on so he calls his brother they have this really stupid video conferencing call wherein he just tells this he's like man brother I just called you to say

I'm sorry and he's like you're sorry what who cares blah blah blah blah blah and he tells him this whole story about a fishing trip this fucking fishing trip oh my god and you're like well that's kind of a weird scene for this movie but what he was doing

is impossible which is like they created a cryptographic code wherein like every other word means something else, and you have to like, you have to watch it on video and then you have to like count the words and then you cut out certain words, dude, my fucking head almost

fell off. So like, he goes back to this hacker and is like, oh, edit this video this way and that way, the other way, and then like, it's like brother, there is a saboteur who is in the American government and he is going to destroy the world. Highest levels of government.

It's like a feature on Photoshop that you could just do this. You know what this? Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on. It needed to be, like, the twist is like Ed Harris, the highest levels of the U.S. government. Right. Should have been like reptilians or something. Yeah, do it. Just go full lizardman movie.

You're already asking me to believe that Gerard Butler is a scientist, guys. Of course reptilians are real. And these are sci-fi graphics, man. I'm ready for it. Exactly. Like, have Ed Harris, like, turn into a lizard? You know who we don't see, I don't think is like a vice president? about Vice President

Ian Ziering because this is a fucking Shark Nado movie. Why not? I like it. You know who you don't see also?

Alex Jones, I feel like once we get a satellite network that encroves the globe, Alex Jones has a fat heart attack. Or he's frozen solid from the satellite.

I think he goes out like the monks and just like douses himself in gasoline, lights a fucking fire. Oh, fucking fingers cross. Prison planet is like, I'm 60 yards beneath the earth as I always am. I will carry on your mission, Alex.

I'm going to protest the U.S. government here by lighting myself on fire. I'm going to become the human barbecue. I ask my crew to eat me like ribs. Oh, man. He must hate this movie. Well, it's very globalist. Yeah, super globalist. He must fucking, he would have a heart attack.

It's from nations coming together, working together, working. to solve a problem, what bullshit. God. So, oh, we should say Chang, he escapes Hong Kong, and this is something that you should never do. Escape Hong Kong, just like Edward Snowden. Never do that.

Never call your friend if you're in the middle of a huge cover-up or conspiracy and say, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, listen up. I know everything. I can't say anything else over the phone. I know everything. Meet me at this location.

What you have to do is just be like, play at cash, be like, hey man. you want to come out for a beer, dude. No, no, no, all the villains are foiled, all of them, all, every one of them. I'm making up a new code for everyone in this room and anyone listening. If I ever call you and I'm like, hey, man, you know what I just saw Wallace Sean at FedEx yesterday? You will know that it's a code that I'm in on a conspiracy. I will forget it's a code and be like, really?

That is amazing. Well, no, that's the thing because I actually saw Wallace Sean at FedEx years ago. Oh, yeah, he was on his hands and knees. trying to stuff a bunch of old books into a box. Yes, he was. Yes, he was. That is adorable. Inconceivable. I was going to say, was he like, this three-day

Express saver shipping rate is inconceivable. And they were like, get out. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. You've been dining on that stupid fucking line for 30 years. Get the fuck out of here. It really happened. But that's what I'm saying. That's my... Shipping a bunch of books. Guaranteed they were rare

antique books. Oh, absolutely. Probably cursed. So that's the code. You call somebody that you saw Wallace John at FedEx and then you know that there's a government conspiracy. And he was mailing cursed books to Dr. Strange. You know, I'll go simpler. I'll go, hey man,

I watched Bushwhacked again. And it's good. No, I'm going to call you up in the middle of the night. I'm going to, it's going to be this long rant about smoking weed and, you know, watching cartoons. That's called a podcast. And then if you cut

out like every fourth word, It's going to be like, hello, Smithers. Steve, the government is after me. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, this dude, and I love the notion that, like, as long as you say, I can't talk about this over the phone, you're fine? What a fucking moron. Just don't say it. Just be like, I need to talk to you.

Don't think it. Don't say it. I'm going to end the movie. How about that? I'm going to end the movie. And so this dude, of course, gets pushed in front of a car. He's like, oh, meet me at this location where we, and he thinks. he's being sick. I was like, where we used to meet

in college. Come on, it's got to be like three places. It doesn't matter because someone is just tailing you. Yeah, yeah. And he gets shoved in front of a car. It's a good death. Oh, boy, is it ever. Much like Gerard Butler, he goes zero gravity. He does. And Chang's

last words are something about Project Zeus. Oh, Project Zeus, of course. Because this fucking movie needs one more stupid phrase in it. Highest levels of government, Steve. It's very... Of course there's a stupid name to go along with it. So we discover that there is...

I think Cheng is the one who introduces the phrase geostorm. Because if you're keeping score at home gang, it's been an hour and there ain't been no fucking geostorms yet. Yeah, wow. This movie should come with a word of warning, which says, hey, don't hold your breath for that geostorm. It's not going to be here. I mean, and how unnotches is that?

It's fucking Godot, man. It is because, listen, 2012, 2012, happens. Independence Day, we see that day pass by. Twister, there was a couple of those in that movie. Well, because this thing is overplotted to shit. So, like, of course, they, like, spread them out to the point where it's like, oh,

the Afghanistan gets frozen, but we don't even see that. No. Yeah, like, the Hong Kong thing is supposed to count as a Geostorm, but it's not. It's important to know. It's not. It's not a Geostorm. Everyone keeps telling me that Geostrom's coming. It's waiting for Geostorm. It is waiting. You are literally your entire

time. It's you and another guy in a fucking port by hat waiting for Geostorm. There is a fucking counter in this movie that is literally, it literally says count down to Geostorm. That's my favorite part. Like fucking Carson Daly's hosting. And we're over an hour in and it says

90 minutes to Geostorm and I'm looking at my watch. I'm like, this movie's not 90 minutes left. Are we ever going to get to Geostorm? We don't. We don't have a Geostorm in Geostorm. We have a near geostorming which is not a technical full geostorm.

Like just call this movie Ed Harris, weather conspiracy and it's it's still fine you know what that sounds like a movie where you're like in his dead and he's drinking tea telling you some fucking weird shit he saw on YouTube I would rather have that

that's back when I was in Chicago running around with the weather underground oh yes yeah how about that like he fucking yeah like he did it man he totally did it and then all those other people took the rap for it damn right he set him up yeah oh I knocked on those guys

I knocked on them all This movie How is this I looked through all the plot synopsies All of the plot of this movie Which is a lot No of Bond films Because this is a bond plot

But I'm pretty sure there's No one's controlling the weather In a Bond movie just yet As someone pointed out on Twitter GoldenEye is a satellite thing But like weather's not involved But like this Now that it's like highest levels of government

Conspiracy going on It's like the Avengers The Sean Connery Oh yes They're controlling the controlling the weather in that movie. Speaking of Bond. But yeah, it's just

what an outlandish thing for this movie. That I thought was a natural disaster movie. And I'm not sure where this fits in the movie, but I'm just going to say it now. The part of the movie when they're throwing satellites at other satellites to disrupt them, that's stupid.

I mean, like, there doesn't need to be much discussion on it. There's a part when, like, I think, is this the Rio part when Rio's getting it? Oh, yes, it is. And that woman, is outrunning frost in a bathing suit?

Boy, that's fucking funny. There's so many people outrunning weather in this movie. It's outrageous. It's like five times. Is that how weather works? No. Like if something is sub-zero temperatures enough to like freeze people to death

and I'm five feet away, is that, am I okay? Can I just keep running? Your foot's getting chopped off at least. According to Geostorm, you're totally fine if you can keep up a steady jog. The thing is like, Weather is not a bullet from a gun.

You can't be missed by it that much. It's more like radiation. The end of this movie should be Bugs Bunny on top of the fucking Gio stuff. I'm like, ain't I a stinker? Because it's the same fucking shit. It's basically like all these people outrunning things in the frame.

Right. Including a plane. Oh, man. So yeah, but and Gerard Bell was like, I got an idea. Use those satellites to kick those satellites out. Yep. And we're just like huckin' satellites.

It's insane. shoot one billion dollars at the other billion dollars. And to be fair, that's a very American thing that Gerard Butler does right there. So maybe this guy's more American than we realized. So somewhere around here, uh-oh, the space station's self-destruct sequence comes on.

And it's basically like, what does he say? Like if it fell into the wrong hands? If it started to falling to Earth. Oh, falling to Earth, right. So they can't turn this thing off. They're trying to figure out what's going on. and they determine that in order to shut down Dutch boy, which has been weaponized, as we're told at this point,

they need the president's kill codes. Yes. Enter what I think may be the dumbest plot involving a president in motion pictures, which is them plotting to steal the kill codes from Andy Garcia while he is, I'm not kidding, taking a shower. Yeah, that's the plan. They're like, wow, how are we going to steal the? codes from him because he always

has secret service agents around him and Abby Cornish is like, not when he's taking a shower. Are you fucking serious? That's when I'm at my most alert. Steam focuses me, as does

presidential nudity. Being in the shower with Andy is our intimate time. And when he's done showering, what I do is I take I take Dr. Strange's cape and I drape it over. I once took a bath with William Howard Taft. Dormammu, I've come to bargain.

I don't like what you're doing on my cape. I want my, I would love my cape back, please, Dormomu. I got it in the divorce. Shut up, Strange. What's your first name? Stephen, yeah. I remember. I remember you.

also while uh rio is freezing Tokyo is getting bombed with these hilarious hail balls the size of boulders there is from a Howie Mandel skit like oh my god there is my favorite shot in this movie so it's the weather center I think it's in NASA and it's an international space center or whatever

and there's they just cut to this one guy with a Japanese flag on his arms so you know he's Japanese during the Tokyo thing And he's like, oh, man. But also, meanwhile, across the earth, another major disaster is happening. It's called the Democratic National Convention. As previously mentioned, in Orlando, Florida, Iep.

So, yeah, this is when, so Jim Sturgis has been talking to Gerard Butler. They know that the president, they think the president is in on it. They think it's the president. He doesn't want to give over the control of Dutch boy because of American interest, da-da-da-da. Right. So they're going to steal the thing.

in the shower and he he makes a really dumb move with Ed Harris because Ed Harris is like, why do you want to go to the Democratic National Convention? And he's like, well, because my dad's going to be there. And he's like, by the way, I know everything. By the way, I know everything about you and your dad is famously fucking dead. Yes, that's right.

And he's like, you know, why did you lie to the president? What's going on in June? It's my first day. I'm this. I'm the secretary of state you don't think i looked at your file yeah totally and he's like well i mean if it's rex tillerson maybe yeah actually maybe you're talking about wayne tractor and he he basically says like oh okay well here's the deal this is what the president's doing with this device and it's really fucked up and ed harris is like are you sure are you sure about this that's an accusation son uh harris by the way they've also determined that the next place that's going to get

slammed with this shit is indeed well Westworld and then after West World Orlando Florida my beloved West my beloved Westworlds I'm gonna be a fucking cowboy I work for the government but somehow I don't remember how it is they determined that Orlando is next

but there's something coming Zeus when they finally crack Project Zeus which is the pattern of how it's gonna go as he beats does her stuff they get the lats and lawns yes all of them but you know it's kind of fucked up because like This is like Ed Harris's master plan.

He's like, I'm going to fuck up Tokyo. I'm going to fucking Hong Kong. I go after Dubai. I go after Rear Dugentero. All right, I need to get somewhere in America or Orlando. Like, you know what, dude? That's not fucking fair. It should be goddamn California or New York.

It's an acceptable loss. But New York is already gone. Oh, that's true. It's pre-established. Well, actually, though. If it's the Democratic National Convention, maybe Ed Harris is also a secret conservative. Oh, that's right.

And he's like, not only am I going to become the leader of the free world. going to fucking take out all these Democrats, which does happen because they get Andy Garcia out of this place. And it's like, he's like, what did you do that for? What a ridiculous thing to do? You kidnap the president. And then they turn around and this stadium

gets cablamo. And you know, it's weird because Chuck Schumer is like, but I made a deal with Ed Harris yesterday that this wasn't going to happen. Also big mistake on Ed Harris's part. So Jim Sturgis is giving the whole spiel and he's like, we have to steal his kill. He's

kill codes. We're going to do it when he's in the shower, by the way. It's a perfect plan. And Ed Harris, you are. Instead of being like I'm going to let you know this president is an incredibly fast showerer, a very fast shower. You got like two minutes flat. But yeah, he should be... He barely watches his balls.

This is a great idea. Like, definitely go forward with that, Jim Sturgis. Instead, he's like, well, the kill code, the president is the kill code. It's a biometric thing. Like, if you are doing this global scam, sure. Why not

maybe not tell him that part? He'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He keeps the codes in his wallet. He gives him the key to the whole thing. Because he's a Bond villain. But he's about to kill him. He's like, oh yeah, yeah, the good coats are in the back, Sturges, so he goes down to the closet and like he tries to shoot him and Sturges figures it out.

Because he lets something slip that blah, blah, blah, who cares? And then they start fighting. They know it's him. Now we're having a big chase through the Democratic National Convention, who could care. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, what is this movie even about? Yeah. Abby Corner shoots off her gun. She gets the president. They get out of there. After. So Jim Sturgis is like, so it's actually Ed Harris. He just tried to kill me. I'm going to go take care of this. She says this is again, this character has the worst dialogue in this movie. She goes, all right. Well, I'll go get us a president.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. Man, I paused it and fucking got up and went to the bathroom. I put some water on my face and then it was back to Gio's door. And meanwhile, up in space, Gerard Butler has found out it's Professor Plum in the fucking... With the candlestick in the goddamn control room. You know what, this movie might have too many things going on, Chris. I think you might be right. Dude, when there's a Gerard Butler movie where all of a sudden you're like, where's Gerard Butler?

That's a big problem. Exactly. I don't have that problem in 300. I know where he is at all time. I'm not getting anybody's ass in the seat for fucking Jim Sturgis. I guarantee it. Nobody guaranteed not. So at this point, the president and gets kidnapped by Abby Cornish and Jim Sturgis,

they get into self-driving cab everybody. And uh-oh, the geostorm is here, which is a bunch of lightning holes. Super lightning. Super lightning. And it blows up Orlando. And the idea was... It blows up to the DNC real quick. Yes.

Ed Harris wanted to kill everyone so that the line of succession goes to the Secretary of State. I don't know how it works. Yeah. I don't know where that is. Yeah. What? On the line of the speaker of the house. I just saw this movie called Designated Survivor.

Oh, wait, it's a TV show. So in Geostorm, the Democrats must control the Senate. Yeah, they must. Yeah. Good on them. President, Vice President, Speaker of the House. And then after that, I don't know. Sorry, I said Senate and I meant Congress, right?

The House of Representatives, I guess. Correct. Yeah. But yeah, he basically wants to do fucking loan survivor Or whatever that show designated. Designated. Oh, pardon me. Which, by the way, Kiefer Sutherland in that show was the HUD secretary.

So if that scenario was applied to current day, Ben Carson would be president. Oh, that would be great. That's a horror movie. How much of suicide pills? Terrible, terrible, terrible, but better country. So your lightning's going all over the place they're driving. They have a fucking gunfight in the middle of a lightning storm.

which looks dumb as hell. Also, did I just make this up because I was having some tall glasses of water and really hating this? Doesn't Ed Harris say something about, like, I've programmed the device so that it's following the president's beacon. So, like, the lightning is chasing them in the car

because Andy Garcia's got the cell phone on. No, he's tracking them. Oh, I thought he was having, because they... He's tracking them. But the lightning is following them. And they're like, oh, that's just the Lord. No, no, that's Lord Raiden. Oh, hey.

Well, that's what I was talking about. Whenever you say the Lord, you mean Lord Raden? Chris worships Raiden. Yeah. That's all. He worships in 16-bit video games. A little sick, Raid. We all meet in a basement in Chinatown. I'm going to throw lightning at the president of the United States.

Chris worships me because he knows all three of my. fatality. It's actually because I just kind of want to get to meet Scorpion. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're just using me for my connects. I totally get it. Scorpion's pretty cool. Chris, you didn't have to do that. You know what? Get over here.

Give me a big old smooch. He goes to give you like a high five and then he pulls away and he goes, suckers. And then he rips off your head and then just do your spinal clock. I'm sorry guys. a fool for love. So, I don't know, they are driving

through this electrical storm. They're surviving, which makes no sense. A car blows up at some point. Someone's killed. To Chris's point, it was Professor Plumman. By that, I mean, it was the British sexy Dennis Nedry. Yes. And him and Gerard Butler have a fight. Because Gerard Butler better punch somebody

within of this fucking movie. Oh, yeah, it has to happen. I mean, what are we talking about? Like, you know, Gerard Butler's playing a scientist. He's a scientist that is capable of punching someone in the face. What if I just punched the moon? what's that looking like for you Hey Dean What is the odds of me

Punching the moon in this moon Don't you think he would go straight Like he believes he would go straight through it Like it was fluff and utter Yes I don't want to get moon cheese On me knuckles So he makes short work of this hacker man

This hacker by the way He definitely uses Yeah I know you're going to say He says something about like some people just want to watch the world burn. And I feel like in the world of this movie, it's this little kid sort of Batman and was like referencing it because this movie is that hip, I think is the idea. And it was like 20 years ago at this point or whatever how long for long this movie takes place. Still it sucks. That's not.

It sucks a lot. Oh, it totally sucks. Because it's one of the biggest quotes from the fucking movie. That's what I'm saying though. The sucking is exacerbated by the fact that. it's such a famous line and they think it's a clever thing yeah yeah the guy just he murder that guy no the guy accidentally shoot he's got a gun he accidentally shoots open a window yeah i was like see you later yeah totally this dude gets sucked right out it's pretty badass i want to see that guy

like kind of explode in space yes yeah i would like that give it to me give it to me i got i saw the other guy freeze up yeah please i want to see everyone freeze up i'd love that they're also yeah go Oh, no, they're evacuating Geos. Oh, he's just going to say that, yeah. They're evacuating the GeoCity? I heard this day would come. Take your pages, dude. The web rings are going down.

Oh, man, not the web rings. They're falling like dominoes. What are web rings? Okay, so kids gather around, come across, you know, get close to the iPhone. Are those what Sonic collects? No. Okay. No.

Okay. It's okay. Let's say, and I'll mention one web ring I did know, let's say you do a website, Chris, about X-Wings. Okay. Because you like Star Wars, right? You like Star Wars. Sure. And then Steve, how about you do a website about X-Wings? Oh, I see. And then like, you know what? Let's, if we have a thing on the bottom of both of our pages, and we could hit, like, what's the next website in this web ring? And it'll go to Steve's page. Oh, that idea is flawed. Yeah, but you get like 50 guys making websites about X-Wings. Yeah. And you can go through the mall. And, you know, I'm sure maybe there's a Y-wing or an A-wing website in there.

But they knew some of the dudes from like the, you know, like the X-wing websites, and they let them on it. Yeah. I got... It's an inviting community. I got heavily invested in a web ring for the X-Files. Oh. Of course you did. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I never, you know, I never, never, never, never, never, never fucked any web rings. You know what I think like the modern equivalent of a web ring is kind of? Those bullshit things that are like also interesting around the internet. Yeah. But they have, I mean, it's not, it's always cheap junk. Those are like, spamish. It's insane that those are allowed on websites. You'll be on like fucking uprocks or something.

And it's like interesting around the internet. You'll never guess what honey boo boo boo looks like now. and I'm like, what the, I was reading an article about progress. Yeah, well, okay, how about this? These people have no eyebrows, click it. Oh, alligator deaths, click it. This actress was really high and mighty. Now she's fucking broke.

Click it. Why doesn't anybody hire Brendan Fraser anymore? Yeah, that's totally one. Click it. Guess who's dead? I didn't know they were called Webrings. I used to go through those for like, Pornography?

Well, kind of. Kind of. You remember, like, when you could get, like, MP3 bootlegs? Like, that was a big thing on the internet, like, in the early days. I don't know, I don't know what you're talking about. Well, when I was a teen and I was a troublemaker.

Oh, wait, just like, do you mean, like, downloading shit from Napster? Oh, no, no, no. Like, they would, like, host, like, live sets from, like, smashing pumpkins. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Metallica might be listening. Oh, yeah, they might come after me. We don't want to loss.

Well, I don't want to raise up sane anger. against you man you don't want that to happen the architects of St. Anger so yeah I mean like so there's like 15 minutes left until the big geostorm which does not occur in this movie is going to happen

they outrun this lightning this other guy gets fucking ganged by lightning the evil secret service agent and then Ed Harris is waiting for them at the end of this tunnel he takes out a rocket launcher and I got so excited and then he hands it off to his number two I'm like the fuck no

how dare you how dare you how dare you one show me Ed Harris take a rocket launcher out of his secretary of state car nice let's see Taylor Leone

try that well he clearly got he survived the rock and he got a couple promotions I guarantee you Rex Tillerson does have a rocket launcher on him at all times

yeah no I'd buy that I totally he keeps it under his big cowboy and a gallon of poison there's a big fucking sticker that says mobile on it so the idea is this guy's gonna get the car

when it drives out, but oops, it was a self-driving car, and then Ed Harris gets arrested, not murdered. Yeah, kind of weak Geostorm. You got to show me, you know, in the epilogue, the fucking court case where he is publicly hung on the national mall.

Just have him do like a big speech about like the hubris of man and this and that, and then he gets shot by lightning. Yes, that would be great. Like he's got to be geostormed by his own game. That was geostorm. Because self-geostorming. What is the punishment for this?

I mean, this is, he's killed a million people easy. Oh, yeah, yeah. At least he's a hague, dude. But like, burned alive, I'm pretty sure. I think it goes back to that. I also think, like, America doesn't exist anymore. Like, our standing in the world is nothing. Saudi Arabia is gone.

Yeah, Saudi Arabia was destroyed. Like, all these other countries, aside from America, got it really bad. And now we're just like, oh, is this really bad guy in America? Don't listen to him. He's a jerk. Let me tell you about bad Americans, by the way. Ed Harris indeed is talking about this plan and he's telling Andy Garcia like, hey, we're going to wake up tomorrow and all our enemies are going to be wiped off the face of the earth and all of this shit. Andy Garcia is like, you know, I think that's a really bad plan.

And Ed Harris says, and I'm not quoting here, but it's something to the effect of, we're turning back the clock to 1945 when America was struck. And I was like, oh, we're doing this. Oh, no. So he is a secret conservative. It's fucking wild that that line isn't here. America first. Yeah, it's wild stuff. So that happens.

And then we were like, oh, we didn't watch all of Armaged yet. So Jim Sturgeon is like, hey, we got the codes or whatever. Here it is to turn it down. It's a little too late for that little bro. I'm going to die on this spaceship unless there's a reshoot in the next. next 10 minutes. Because you could totally tell them. Oh, of course. It's so fucking stupid.

So he's like, the kill codes only shut down Dutch boy. It's got nothing to do with the self-destruct system. And someone's got to do it manually because it's a movie. This makes no fucking sense. I mean, none of it makes sense. Like, essentially, like, part of the plan was like, if you blow up the spaceship, essentially you can't control the thing. But then they're like, no, you can.

So they blow up the fucking space station Why are we launching some rockets at this thing? Dormammu, I came to bargain. I've got to shut it down manually. Gonna do this manual spell, Dormammu. Look out. Remember to pick up the laundry. Boy, I really hate being married to this guy.

Dormamu. Oh, why? I'm not making beef bolognese tonight. eat it or don't I don't care you're always out saving the world and I'm just home alone

raising our empty chair oh that's just great you asked for cream spinach well isn't the chair a great public speaker compliment your son damn it you know what do it just just whatever the hell

dimension is just do it Lay waste to us all, Dormomu. I'm incredibly unhappy. Dormammu coming. Can't you do something for Scotty? Oh, God. Our son, Scotty. Scotty Strange. So, part car, part wizard.

I don't know. So, like, he's shutting it down. The German woman comes back. He thinks she left. All of the space station is evacuated. This is so obnoxious. She's like, gotcha. She's like, she has a call back to like a bit where like he thinks something's in one door, but it's actually the other one.

She's like, actually it's this other door. Yeah, the line she has is like, you may have built this, but I live here. Yeah. So at the end of the movie, she's like, I live here. Remember? Beepoo pop door opens. So they both sacrifice themselves or so you think. And they turn it down and the thing starts blowing up.

And Gerard Butler turns out. What do you think about a hail, Mary? Oh, boy. Boy, oh boy. Why not? They fly to this satellite and get in. Like it's a fucking happy meal toy, man. Like, get out of town.

It's also a gravity thing. Yeah. I mean, are all these satellites pilotable? I didn't. Like, if you're making millions of them, which I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. But unlike gravity where she like falls to Earth, right? This is like, well, we're just going to scoot a little bit this way.

And then it's like, beep, beep. Oh, what's that? Oh, it's that fucking dude from Mexico driving the space shuttle. and he's just picking us up. You know what this is? This is the ending of a Star Trek Nexus episode we just did, the Galileo 7 because what he's doing, he's in the satellite

and he's doing like a hell Mary, an SOS frequency. Oh, that's right. With a thing, and they pick it up and that's when this guy Hernandez picks it up, which is my favorite line in the movie because it makes no sense. It's just draw about like, Hernandez, you son of a bitch.

Yes. Oh, my God. This good old boy horseshit, that's no place in this scene whatsoever. They don't even talk to each other. This is exactly where Alex Jones dies. Oh, when a Mexican saves the day? Yeah, his fat heart explodes.

That's the one. And actually, it's kind of funny because Hernandez in this moment is actually taunting Alex Jones through the movie screen because he's like, oh yeah, leave it to the Mexican to save the day. And then, you know, cut to a movie theater

in Austin where it's like, gha! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! It was the chili. It was the chili that did him in. Twas Chili slayed the conspiracy theorist. Come on and get Alex Jones Raged Chili

at a Chili Planet. Fart. Catch him in bed with the GioStore. I eat so much chili, I forget my kids. Oh, yeah, my children, yeah, Prison Planet, that's one of them. Wait, there's more? Jesse Waters, is he me or not? So he saves the entire world

Entire world Entire world Oh not much There's not much left By the way second time was club Saved it twice He's the best of mankind He lands

He gets to greet his brother And his fucking ridiculous mullet While the president While they're saving the president The president's like You gotta marry that girl She just killed 14 people Oh I totally miss

So Andy Garcia is the one that forces them into marriage. Yes, that's one of the presidential duties. He pops the question for him. And then Jim Sturgis is like, ah, I was totally going to break up with the after this geostorm thing. This whole, like, facing the end of the world

has made me realize I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Thanks, Mr. President. I also, I started singing Beatles the other day with Evan Rachel Wood, and I think she might be the one to do. That movie sucks. It sure does.

So, the end of this. this movie. We go to Dawson's Creek, which is great. Oh, man. I had the same thought. It looked like the creek, man. Because the joke in the middle of it is the stupid whatever cipher code that he makes is like a story about him and his dad taking them fishing and he's like, our dad never took us fishing? And so like the idea is they're now fishing with the daughter. Right. Yeah. And they're bored by it. And then that's the joke is they're like, ah, this sucks. You want to get out of here? And I was like, fuck you. Fishing is very relaxed. Well, the problem is they're neither high. nor drunk.

Yeah, that's true. You need some tall boys. Yeah, so you got something. Well, they're also like, oh, we're sitting in front of a man-made lake. There's no fish in here. I mean, yeah, if you're not knee-rated, I get the joke.

Yes, it is. There's also a nine-year-old girl with them, so maybe they want to cool it a little bit. No, he's a fucking raging alcoholic. Yeah, that Jim Sturge is giving him shit about drinking before noon. Yeah, well, when you save the world via satellite, happy hour starts at 11, brother.

Yeah, oh, cool. You know what, man, that's pretty cool. Are you still going to fucking keep on renting out Riggs's place? One of my favorite details towards the end of this movie, because that's the movie it's over with. Well, the girl gives a speech about how we're now one planet. Oh, right. Because we handed over the satellites to everybody.

That's right. Nations fall. But the reptilians might come back. It's all about transformers. It's like Hitler, if he got the Ark of the Covenant, that's how bad it would be. Yes, exactly. Oh, well, when like, you know, when Gerard Butler's, like, still in Paris. They keep cutting back to the ex-wife and the daughter watching this shit. And I was like, turn the TV off.

This man's clearly about to die. It's just like who could. I mean, like, why would that even be covered? Everywhere in the world is destroyed. Yeah. Yep. And so, oh, a white guy is in trouble. A Rio doesn't exist anymore, but there's one white guy that might not make it.

You know why? Because at the TV station, dude, it was Harvey Firestein demanding that everybody stays on the air. That's right He got a hold of his mother Told her that he was not going to be home Ortee Leone and Deep Impact She took it That's right

She took the hit She insisted on staying on the air Look what happened How do you not bring Richard Fucking shift back What a failure this movie is Gross failure Oh you want more

Oh you want more story here Shift I don't want more any story Here at the skydiving news network We will stay on the air Conditions are good You could get a pretty good jump in during this geostorm. Well, we're going to go out the only way we know how playing in Agata de Vida again.

To footage of some majestic skydiving. Oh, those were good days. Before lightning was all over the place and canceling all of our jumps. I'm also going to light one up because I did at this point. Oh, now at the Skydiving News Network, it's... a new way to get high just literally smoking weed on the air

goodbye would anybody recommend this movie I would not it's not I actually really like cheesy disaster movies of course you know and actually the asylum put out

I think it's called like geo-disaster or something is it better? I'm curious it almost has to be better I'm actually curious if asylum's version of this movie is better because it probably is just the disaster and not the space non Well, also because, like, the asylum for as terrible and as unwatchable as those movies are.

Agreed. Agreed. They are Titanic, too. I'm looking at you. They know the score. Yes. This movie is so fucking confident that what they're doing is like a great action movie or whatever, that it's taking itself so seriously. At least with the asylum, they'd be like, yeah, no, no, this is fucking garbage. Just give us 83 minutes. I don't know. I think like you're going to really, and I mean, I don't believe I'm saying this, but. Are you recommending this movie? No, no, no. Pig? Chris Cabin.

The most contrarian film critic in the world is it. No, it's awful. Don't see it. I was going to say, I think in your asylum movie, you're really going to have to thirst for the base charm of Jim Sturgis. I will say if you like this movie, you belong in an asylum. There you go. There you go.

I wouldn't recommend it. I don't like it. It's bad. But you're right. It's too self-serious. What's wrong with just doing, you know, shitty action one-liners or something? Like, no, you're dumb. They know you're dumb.

Well, they do do that, but then they also do the serious shit, which makes it even worse. It undercuts it. It undercuts it. And also, like, I'm sorry, everybody. If I am getting this, like, disaster movie and whatever, you can't also have the gravity space station movie. And you can't also have fucking three days of the condor going on. Oh, my God, you have this cast. Like the German woman,

she's the woman from Downfall. Oh, right. And she, like, and the Bader Mejof complex. She's been in a bunch of really fucking good movies. And I mean, like, I think the thing of it is, is like, and you can't have this, like, self-serious, like, global, we will overcome bullshit. Like, no public policy has ever been made from a disaster movie.

You know what I mean? It's a disaster movie. movie. Come on. Get out of here. Totally. Totally. No, I was watching a little movie called Geo Storm and my eyes were going back into Paris Accord. I started tweeting policy

based on the news of this upcoming Geostorm. It is a hoax by the Chinese. I'm sorry. No, this would make him believe, I think. I think if you put this... I've been scared straight. I saw an amazing documentary starring Andy Garcia.

Put the Fox News like frame thing over the image show it to him he's going to fucking get back into the agreement Stephen Miller look I'm telling you look

there's a Latino president this is a dystopian future we need to do everything we can to stop this from happening you know how we do that is we appoint Ed Harris to the Supreme Court oh my God I would vote for him

oh sure confirm Harris man why not oh fuck that is geostorm directed by dean devlin if you want more we hate movies check out w hmpodcast.com or find us over at headgum like us on facebook follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast right into that mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com right review the show wherever you get it we would greatly appreciate that helps the exposure of the program of course patreon dot com slash we hate movies This month's episode, if you don't know already, it is Bright, the Will Smith Ork Cop Opus.

That's right. So you want to get over. A whole other episode you can get. Whole other app, man. Whole other app. And about 40 hours of other crap of great crap of animation. The most luxurious crap. Golden shit.

Golden shit. Well done stakes. It can be had at the Patreon casino. Patreon. slash we hate movies coming up next week on the program I think it is the final it is the final it's the final

episode of some of the worst of 2017 how are we gonna go out Andrew we're gonna go out with what is it you're gonna go out in style you blew it you just blew it look this movie is so non-existent to me that I just I keep forgetting Eric was really excited about that

you miss one thing Zach Braffs going in style Going in style? Going in style? I thought it was going out of style. No, it's going in style. So it's going in style.

That's Scrubs reruns. And this is, it's Michael Kane. Yes. Michael Kane and some other people. Morgan Freeman. Yeah. Alan Arkin. And they're doing, what is it?

Oceans 9-11? Essentially, yes. They're heisting. It's a remake of a movie that wasn't Alan Arkin also in the original? I don't think he was. Wasn't it like George Burns? I don't know. It's a remake of another old.

guys robbing things moving. Oh, God, you devil part two. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah, dude. Tune in for that movie. You should do those as episode. Oh, yeah. Here's a question. Do you think Trump would resign if we were like, look, just resign and we'll give you the

Oh God franchise. And you could be George Burns. I think he'd go for it. I really think you'd go for it. I think you're right. That might be the carrot to get him out of office. That's something. But yeah, the deal is only on the table if you resign. Or put the Fox frame around murder at 1600. So until next week when we're going in style, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sayette. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.