We Hate Movies - S8 Ep338: Episode 338 - Blade: Trinity (Live at the Brooklyn Podcast Festival!)

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

Recorded live at The Bell House in Brooklyn, New York On this week's episode, it's the guys' set from the 2017 Brooklyn Podcast Festival! At this blessed event, WHM continued the beloved celebration known as Snipesgiving by taking down the wretched sequel, Blade: Trinity! Why did they introduce all these lame white people to "team up" with Blade when all we want is Wesley and only Wesley?! Why did they develop a device that ran off of Dracula's blood before learning that Dracula had been resurrected? And is Whistler actually dead for good this time? PLUS: Hulk Hogan gets cut from The Godfather!  Blade: Trinity stars Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Dominic Purcell, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey, and Triple H; directed by David S. Goyer. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dead I am the bulls, ready from the full, we can want you need nowhere as you bleed. the rat feast the palm The cat tender is the fur, dying as you burr Brooklyn Podcast Festival, what is happening? At the back of my, take you there. Do you through the stitches and butter and through the witches and slang I'm at the back of my, take you...

Brooklyn Podcast Festival, what is happening? Well answer him. What'd you say? I said, well, answer him. I want to welcome everyone. I want to welcome the ladies. I want to welcome the gentlemen. And I want to welcome the hotties.

Maybe that joke would play if it was in the part of the discussion where we're talking about that. No, no. I literally want to welcome the hotties. And you know who you want. What about the naughtys? Oh.

You remember that movie? Yes. Was that Paris Hilton? I don't know. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska.

And we are We Hate Movies from right here in New York fucking City. Thank you for coming out here this evening. The film in question, by the way, Blade colon, Trinity. Yeah. Couldn't just be Blade 3, huh? No, you gotta

stick that punctuation in there. That's nice. From the great year of 2004, that was a presidential election year. How about that? That worked out great, as we all remember. Oh, man, hot shot John Kerry, just burning through the poles, man. Change the world he did.

Speaking of changing the world, directed by David S. Goyer, this is the fucking sigh of disappointment across this room was... So, so bad. Yeah, no, he's terrible. This movie's terrible, which is why we're talking about it.

Really quickly, though, how many people are familiar with the show we do on the internet? so for any poor sap we were apologizing first public apology of course but for any poor sap who's here because they didn't know what was going on like your your cousin was in town who was like yo I fucking promise you this will be great we are a comedy show where we take a bad movie like Blade Trinity and make fun of it for a little bit so and this is also part of our our Snipe's giving presentation.

This is all along the month of November on the show, we've been doing Wesley Snipes films. Yes. And we should say up front, he's the best. Wesley Snipes is the fucking best. Yes, yes. He is. He's totally awesome.

He's awesome. And even this movie, the four seconds that he's in this film. And, you know, Wesley Snipes is so great. He's such a tough guy. He could be a blade himself. You think he's, like, in his off time, like, when he's not making great movies? Yeah.

Wait, hold on. As is any old time. Okay. I think he's forged in fire. Oh, that's Steve's show? Steve's Knife show. My favorite Knife show. Wesley Snipes, it will kill.

He is, his cadence in this movie is, like, when your dad is sitting around taking family photos and they're going on a little too long. And dad's not having it? Everything he's having, everything he's having, like, after, Ryan Reynolds says stuff, he's like, yeah, whatever. You can see him timing everything. Every movement he has to make, everything, he's just, he's clocking it all in. Well, it's like, how much can I sort of like throw shade

at this dude who I fucking hate without it being totally obvious and I'll get in trouble on set? Hey, Ryan, how many words are you going to say before I have to speak? Because I'm just going to count. I'm not going to listen to a fucking word you said. Give me a number, and then I will say yes or no. So, Steve, in a nutshell, because we had Blade 1, which was like Steve and Dorf was in that movie, Donald Logue. Udo Kier.

Udo Kier? You probably should have saved Udo Kier, is all I'm saying. Yeah, well, he's the only acting, you know, person in film that's also an actual vampire. Exactly. You guys remember Udo Kier? That guy's actually a vampire. That's a true fact. Is he dead?

No. Is he undead? I just said he's a fucking vampire. He's alive and well. Drinking the blood of innocent people. So that was like Blade 1 and then Blade 2. There's a bunch of like Nosferatu face splitting things. Yeah.

Because that's like a Guillermo del Toro movie, so someone's face has to open. Because in the second movie we're like, oh, it's Eastern Europe. So there are a bunch of Nosferatu's over there. Yeah. And they give them the predator mouth, which I'm not crazy about. It is a predator mouth, yeah.

I don't like the tongue. The tongue doesn't need quite so much business. It's a vampire. It's got to be all about the fangs. Yes, you would think. Well, like, a tongue shouldn't have fangs. No, I'm saying. The vampire, they should focus when their face opens on bigger fangs than like a tongue.

Well, you're right. It's like, I'm not going to lick you into undead immortality. Yes, suckle at you. Mmm. What a fucking gross word. So, Steve, so now we're meeting up with the blade. It's been a few years after that second film. Yeah.

What is going on? So, a bunch of white people are coming, and Wesley isn't allowed to speak as much. No, it's a, it is the third movie, and Blade is on the run. Or he's just, I mean, he's really just hunting vampires, kind of generally. Well, he's doing his whole thing, but we have, so I was talking about all those villains. Oh, right, we know that in this film, we have Dracula coming. It's Dracula. Also known as Drake.

Oh, yeah. His name is Drake in this. I am a Canadian rapper. It's the stupidest thing. I love basketball. Uh-uh. The Rambor Raptors. Right?

No, I just, here's the thing. If his name is Drake, is his last name Dula? Yeah, Drake Yula. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. He's also a big fan of the Raptors because that's another ancient evil. Yes.

They got their dead, right? What's that? Dinosaurs. What about it? We got rid of them. Yeah, they're long dead. We did not get them. get rid of the...

It's mostly a comment. The Lord. Yes, Eric. And that's three people, by the way. Oh, right. The Holy Trinity. Oh, shit. Yes.

Oh. Wait, so who's the Holy Trinity for this movie? It's... All right, the father. Which is Wesley Snipes. Yes. Uh-huh. Okay, so then who's the son? This is where you get yourself in trouble.

It's Ryan Reynolds. Is it? I think so. The Holy Trinity of, like, ass-kicking... Blade world superheroes? Yes. The Holy Ghost is Whistler. Guaranteed.

The fifth reincarnation. Yeah, no, he is a translucent apparition. And he dies in every movie and he keeps coming back. What a streak. If there was a Blade 4, which there never will be, he definitely would be in it.

Yeah. Do they have a Whistler character on that TV show with sticky fingers? I do not remember. I don't think so. I did not see. No one out there? I do not recall, sir. Usually there's one person who's like,

my box set at home dictates. Well, you've cracked it because nobody gives a shit about that show. Was it on Spike TV? Yes. Dude, that was a Spike original TV for guys. What was that stupid shit? Yeah, I think it was like TV for tough guys.

Something like that. RIPD, that network is ending. Oh, no. Yeah, exactly. I was going to say that network is still on the air. Is that the one that's becoming the Paramount? Yes, and they're going to premiere that God damn. Fucking Waco show?

Yes! Yes. Holy shit. Do you guys know about this Waco show? Are there vampires in it? There's no vampires in it. But Tim Riggins himself is playing David Koresh. So there's no vampires.

Is David Koresh? David Koresh might be a vampire. No vampires, but they still burn people to death. Just like in this movie. Way to tie it all back. We open on... It's your classic... Oh, actually, no.

We open first in the Syrian Desert. Right. And a vampire flips off the sun which is kind of like... Real tough mood, man. Why are you going during the day if you're a vampire? Like, yes, you can dress up for the event.

But also, like, wait till the sun goes down. They are in these, like, doom fucking costumes with, like, space helmets on. But even still, that's such a thin margin of error. What if you lose a glove? That's true. I always lose gloves. I think they have double straps.

I think that's the cure to it all. No, but to Steve's point, just do this operation at night. Yeah, and then you can go in fucking t-shirt and jeans. Triple H would definitely appreciate doing the job in Trinthus. A sleevel in a shirtless, he would prefer. Well, yeah, there's at least not a shirt sleeve to be found.

No, so these vampires like invade this temple and you're like, where is this going? Where's Blade? Is Blade in one of these seats? No, no. And they kind of like open a hole in the floor, and one of them is Parker posing. Yes. One of them is Triple H.

There's a couple other people on this team here. There's a Cylon, Cal and Keith Raney. Come on. That's right. Come on. Somebody cares. BSG heads. We got one. So he was a robot on that show. Yeah, well, it's not really a robot. It's a robot covered in flesh. Oh.

It turns out, I don't care. It's a good robot, man. So they like open this floor and whatnot, and you're like, what could this beast be? And like, a thing comes up, and bites the fourth guy's head off. Well, not before Triple H is in the middle of an ancient temple that hasn't been seen by God or anybody in thousands of years.

And he looks all over the walls and goes, what is this chicken scratch? Way to be the most ignorant vampire that ever lived. Yeah, you're a mortal man. You have all the time in the world to read books. Yes. He's on this team. He's like fucking lighting farts on fire.

Yeah, Dracula gets the better. of them. And then it turns out it's Dracula, but that's the fucked up thing. You're like, what could this be? And then someone's like, by the way, this movie's about Dracula. You're like, oh, fuck. You know why? Because it should be Blade colon Dracula there. Yeah. That's how important

Dracula's. How about Blade v. Dracula? That would be great. Blade 2000? How about Blade 2000? Or 2004 or whatever. Wow. What about Blade divided by Dracula? Yes, dude, that's really saying something.

That is really saying something. So they unearth this demon, and just when you're about to turn this DVD off, Wesley Snipes comes in, and it's your classic, like, Blade is getting as many of them as possible by, like, blowing up a building. Kind of the only good scene in this movie.

Yeah, I actually, I never saw this before, and I was like, oh, shit, is this movie great? Oh, no, this movie might be great. No, it's not. No, it's not. Brian Reynolds had shown up yet. Not yet. That's the warning sign right there.

And they're like, you know, they're driving around. And then I think Blade is chasing them in his car. And then for some reason, Whistler is in a big rig. And he's like, I'm right behind you, big guy. Two, two chicken shit, I'm right here. I got to make three more deliveries and then we're going to get some vampires. That's literally the smallest car he'll drive. This reminds me of the song convoy.

Do you remember music from my era, Blade? I used to be a folk musician, you know. Oh, you're busy? You're hunting vampire? All right. Have you ever listened to any towns, Van Zantz? He's beautiful. It should be a thing. Like, this movie should start with that. The two of them, like, haven't talked in a while, and that's just Whistler's job. Now he's just driving a rig.

Now, I'm just on the road now. Me and Blade had a falling out. Once again. Hey, Blade, is it cool if David Crosby comes? to the compound. Just for a little while. Look, I'll blindfold them and everything. Just like he told me to.

I just want to hang out with my old friend, Cros. Is that his nickname, do you think? Is that his personal nickname? You call him The Cros. Or the Crosse man. Capital T, capital C. The Cros.

I don't know. It's cool. It's a big fight, and then at the end of it, Blade stabs a man in the heart, but whoops, it's a guy. like a human being guy yeah because this movie saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 and they were like that's the way to do that

that's a way to do something I love that this movie is positing that this is the first time this is ever Yeah thank you Are you fucking kidding me He's killing without abandon He just has to label them a familiar And it doesn't matter

Yes that's the thing Oh wait so blade term in case anyone's not with it A familiar is like a human being who pathetically really wants to be a vampire and is like doing shit for vampires with the promise of veto. They know, come on. They gotta know, right?

Do you all know that? Did you all just let me say that to you? So it's 2004, so Blade, like, will go to, like, System of a Down concerts and to assume most of them are familiar and just open up. But, yeah, in all these years of vamp hunting, man, he has taken a human life.

Oh, my God. Multiple. He just came from blowing up that building. You're telling me in that building there was only vampires. What about a precious janitor? Roy is dead. Never coming back.

The notch on Blades' fucking murder building. He was a familiar. Oh, my God. You think Chris Christopherson, like, goes to the morgue and starts tattooing people? This is the last time I'll do it, Blade. This is the last time I'm going to tattoo the dead.

Let me get my kit. This one looks familiar, too. He's just doing the whole morgue for no reason. You got any more epoxy glue? I got that vampire teeth. Come here, a little girl. You're a little girl vampire now. I'm sorry you didn't get your kidney, but you're a vampire now.

Then we cut to Late Night with Eric Bogosian. Right. Well, so it's a very important hot point here, though, that Parker Posey was filming this human murder. So the guy, the human that has the thing through the heart, is, like, laughing. And, like, I think he also gives the finger.

There's a lot of people. They love the finger. David S. Goyer loves the finger. It's just weird, though, that this dude is so into taking down blade that he's like, yeah, I'll sacrifice my own life. They don't turn this dude. He just dies in the street. That's the end of it.

Maybe he didn't think that through. Like, so when? Oh, shit, I'm not going to become a vampire. So it'll just be dead, huh? Like, all these familiars have to reach that point, though, where they're like, I'm not getting that promotion. Like, maybe I'll go hang out with a creature from the Black Lagoon or a fucking werewolf, see what they're doing. Vampires are like a shitty company.

They only give those promotions in December, and then everyone gets really nervous around that time. Why, because they're ready to celebrate a vampire Christmas? Yes. They want to make sure they can celebrate properly. No, you're, like, washing your boss's car. Like, come on, man. Oh, man, that's desperate.

And they still give it to the boss's son. They make him the vampire. Oh, no, the boss makes himself a double vampire. Bonus, golden parachute. So, as Chris mentioned, we got two award-winning playwright Eric Bogosian, who's in this movie as like a late-night TV host on public accent.

It's like a Charlie Rose type of thing. Bentley-Tiddle? Is that the name? Bentley Tittle? Begley Tintel. Or something to this. Oh, wait. Begley Tiddles.

Oh, that's better. That's a great name for air. Yeah. Begley. I promised I'd turn you into a vampire. Oh, you think he's a familiar? Guaranteed, dude. They haven't turned him yet.

They won't. Just keep waiting. You know, I'm looking more like shit every day. Please, Vlad. Oh, right. Yeah, very is. Right? Maybe he's Dracula. Oh, he's never been seen in the day.

True. And he's Eastern European, so that whole thing's coming up, right? So he's just a fucking Nassiratu. He's exactly. He's got a, with a predator face? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yep.

So he's interviewing the chief of police in the cheapest soundstage ever. It's public access. It's him and John Michael Higgins, who's a comedian, a comedic actor. And they're like, he's like, excuse me, sir. Do you believe in vampires? I think if there were vampires, we'd know about it by now? The correct answer is to laugh at someone. Like, yeah, laugh in their face and say, like,

this is why you brought me on the show? I thought we were talking about our lowered crime statistics. Yeah, the correct answer is to not return the email. Yeah, actually, there you go. Subject line vampires delete. And the way that this guy gets out of it, which is quite terrible, as he goes, the only vampires out there are the ones graduating law school.

Oh, those bloodsuckers! that's the one yeah and Eric Begosian's like stone-faced and then you think Eric Bogosian's gonna be in this movie more

and then he's definitely one scene and done all seen through a second television is it like a Whistler watching he's like oh shit blade Eric Begozian's on to us

God damn remotes glued together I didn't change the channel oh man that means Sam Shepard knows too Kiddles on to us. That motherfucker wrote

Suburbia, God damn it. So, there's a raid on Blades compound, which rhymes, and I'm sad. But there is. Pretty cool. Yeah, there's a raid on his compound, and Whistler is like,

I am going to kill as many cops as I can now. I do not give a flying fuck. Who's human, who's familiar, who's going to heaven, who's going to hell? I will kill them all. Turns out, blue lives don't matter, chicken shit. He's got shotguns

hidden around his entire house, like he's an alcoholic for shotguns. And he's shooting everyone. Better get my toilet tank gun. Now, do you think... Blaine's giving him a shotgun intervention. Now, with him, there's far too many shotguns in this house. I don't...

I feel safe in my own hideout. Do you remember when you fell asleep with a lit shotgun in the bed? Do you remember my birthday when you missed it because you were shotgun shopping? You had bought five shotguns in that month. And then you spent the rest of it on C4. Pounds and pounds of C4.

But this is all coming around because of Blade getting caught on camera. And he's like, The secret's out now, you stupid fuck, we're ruined. But this was my question, though. Chris Christopherson sees that shit on the TV. Do you think he instantly is like, tonight's the night I'm going to die

because he is ready he's ready to self-destructed he's like he's like maybe it is maybe it isn't whatever I mean yeah that is the gag in these movies is he just keeps dying well he kills himself in the first one and then he comes back and everyone's like

why did that happen like no don't worry about it I mean the market research on Chris Christophers it must have been through the fucking positive what do you mean we're doing Blade 2 without Whistler. Someone like made Giyomo rewrite that script. He had to like draw.

So there's like some he does draw. He's a doodler. He's a doodler. Guillermo Dutoro doodles. Yes, I wanted to stop everything to talk about. Anything else? Any napkins he's scratched on that you'd like to bring up?

You remember that sweet story when he lost his notebook in the cab? He's like, oh no, my movie! And then Like someone gave it to him And he was so thankful and nice Because Guillermo del Toro walks on water Was that the movie? No, so There's like a rustling outside

And Blades like What's that? He's the vampire with all the senses And Christopherson goes The thing you've been dreading for years Or like whatever the fuck And then like this raid on this compound And it's like immediately

we have to self-destruct this place. Shotgunning cops left and right. Yeah, and then burn the survivors. Well, the weird thing is, the data. Whistler's, like, running around, like, oh, shit, I better delete my browser history. Oh, fuck, there's all sorts of piss videos on that one. I get that up.

Oh, sure. And he, like, keeps remembering computers. Like, oh, fuck, the horses. All the autopsies I did in the garage. Oh, fuck, my toilet tank computer. Gotta erase that one. All my live cams. All my live cams.

But the thing is, like, what data is he deleting? I can't have my obituary say I'm a piss big. I think it's all just, like, research, man. Like vampire research. Oh, okay. Maybe he's designs, some of the designs. All the weapons he's making. This old man's not making these weapons, by the way.

What do you think? He's farming out? I think he's farming out. Well, we know he's farming out, actually. We'll get to the farming in a moment. That's it. So he dies. He gets shot up. Spectacularly, no.

And takes like 70 police officers with him. It's fucking great because he gets like shot in the back and it's some of the worst 2000 floor for blood spray you'll ever see in your life. It's like you hear a gunshot and then it's like, eh, eh? And then his back goes,

puss. It's terrible. I think I've said this before, but everybody should be wearing black armbands for the rest of the movie. Oh yeah, no, this is a big tragedy. Yes, yeah. This is a big thing. Eric Bogosian, that's all.

he's talking about forever. That's a whole week of programming. So they're laying waste to all these people. The place is like blowing up and then they get him and he pulls out like this switch or something and they're like, he's got something in his hand, run for it. And he just hear, and there's no way Blade hears this

because like Christopherson's coughing up organs and shit. And he's just like, run, Blade. And you're like, wait, what? And he blows himself away. And this whole place goes. No, that's like the plan to have. Speaking of fucking Jonestown, man. Like, it was just like that...

Hey, Blade, Operation Kool-Aid. Speaking of Jonestown, we were? Well, no, Waco and Jonestowns, they're like fun cousins. Jones, there's more death at Jonestown, right? But it wasn't as a production. Oh, they didn't go so dramatic with it. That's so theatrical, no.

Oh, Lord. Yeah, no. But then Blade gets a... arrested. Which is, this is a really, I have to talk about this, like, shot right here. So, like, he realizes

that his father figure slash butler. I don't entirely understand this relationship. It's just been, like, it's turned into dust. His white trash, Alfred. Right, yes.

It's Alfred, but if Alfred listened to Leonard Skinner constantly. And this Alfred does not have a problem with the Confederate flag. He's got a really nice, uh,

He's got a really nice like Roy Moore leather vest on this old yet. He totally is! Shut up, Blade, it's about my heritage. And all those other stupid reasons. No, so he's standing outside of this smoldering warehouse and this is like, Wesley Snipes didn't like making this movie.

Shock of all shocked. And you can tell, in this moment, when he realizes that Whistler's dead and just goes, And he doesn't move, he's still staring in the same direction, and then all these, like, SWAT team people just swarming them. Yes. How does he not see these guys come and run for it, Blade? No, it's too late now.

His white trash butler friend is gone. Yes. For the fifth time. Yes. Disintegrated once again. So he goes to a jail cell, and he's like, there's a lot of fun jokes with John Michael Higgins, which is sort of something. Oh, my God. But James Remar, though.

dude. Oh, that's right. James Reymar, who has just lost 50 of his brethren, is snip-snap joking all over the place. This is a time for fucking getting all the facts reassessing what went wrong. A lot of paperwork,

if anything else. You're not immediately like interrogating a vampire in a room and making jokes about it. That can wait. Not in this movie. Normally it can wait. There's a rescue effort. There has to be an active of rescue effort. The best line that James

Remar has in this movie is, like, he's on scene for that shootout. And when the building totally explodes, he goes, what's going on in there? Somebody talk to me! James Remar. And then, he should be completely out of the movie. He's got two weeks

of police funerals today. Exactly. So, the words you're looking for, Blade, I don't know if you, I know you know vampire law quite well, but human law, let me see my lawyer. Like that's the move. His lawyer was just incinerated. No, what if his lawyer was

Daredevil? Oh. Yeah, right. Right? Wouldn't you like to see that? They just keep crossing over. Dr. Strange has to raise all those cops from the dead. I don't know if I can do

this. That's how you raise someone from the dead. Debt? a lot. You just got to raise your hands. But so in all of this like commotion, we kind of find out that John Michael Higgins may be a familiar

himself. Oh. Right? Right? And they like... That's fucking crazy. And like somehow he has the authority to be like, hey all cops, get out of here. And they're like, okay. And they all... Whatever you say, TV psychiatrist? It's like

if Dr. Phil made Mulder and Scully leave the room. Get out of here, I got this. Let me talk to this man for a little bit. So you're a fish or what? I imagine it to be a fish person. What? The person that you'd be talking to in an X-Files episode would be a fish person.

Oh, I was doing him talking to Blade. Oh. I guess a Blade then was guesting on the X-Files. We got a blade, we got a fishman, we got a Chubaka. It's the X-Files. That sounds like a good daytime talk show. Like, Trubaca, you are not the father. True. Like, he's let down.

Don't worry, he's got kids. He's got illegitimate kids across the dog. Oh, dude's strewn all over the galaxy. My God, the holiday special confirms that, right? Oh, actually, that's true. He's a family man. He's like a wookie Wilk Chamberlain. You're right.

Everywhere he goes. It makes sense. Every rebel base. Dan T'Oeen's got a bumper crop. A wook. Chamberlain, have you? Oh, no. The second dumbest thing I'll say,

like. So, yeah, they put Blade Under, right, is the idea, and you're like, oh, no, is this the end of Blade? Uh-uh, because this movie's got to get a lot younger, whiter, and cooler. And we've still got 90 minutes to go. So, like, they're going to, like,

unchain him and murder him? Is that the idea? I think it's about to happen. They're going to take him to another facility, but if you are a vampire, just shoot this dude in the head. Right, it's like, Marker Posey, Triple, age, like the whole crew, that not robot that you were talking

about, pardoned. So it's a robot. Yeah, but then there's like flesh on top of it. Yeah, so it's an android. Yeah. Did everybody hear that quiet? No. It's kind of like an animal. Well,

I guess because it's fake, it's synthetic flesh. It's not like they're trying to make them more human, right? Yeah. Can you come up here and tell us? No, I don't do that. so as they were about to take him away and I guess murder him later but to your point yeah cut his head off right there

finish this movie that's fine I'll take a 45 minute blade movie he gives his shit or the rest of it it's no it's like Bill and Ted's bogus journey it's him and Whistler in heaven oh they have to find their way back yes station

let's do this now so then like this every rose has its thorn this vampire gets thrown through the mirror the two-way police mirror there and in jumps Ryan Reynolds and the jokes don't stop

and neither does the fun. The jokes don't stop at the same one. That was the fun never stops in this movie. This movie's fucking filled with fun. Hannibal fucking King. Well that's the first thing is like Parker Posey. It's such a backdoor pilot for a shittier movie. Big time. The Nightstalkers.

I guess they loved Richard Ramirez or something. Like what? Who doesn't? You go to their lair, they have this big mural of Richard Ramirez. Or they're a big fan of Colchak, dude. Oh, nice. That's also a possibility.

I think that's probably closer to... Probably. Going on when this comic was made. This is a Bill Finger thing, wasn't it? No. No? Mark Wolfman. Oh, Marv Wolfman?

That's a good name. The guy's name is Wolfman. That made up blade. There should be a werewolf in this movie, by the movie. Let's get some fucking werewolves. fucking movies. Yes. That's true. New member of Monster Royalty has to come in.

Yes. And clearly it would be a werewolf. Or a Frankenstein, sure. Maybe. Yeah. Werewolves would be fun, though. Look at all those Kate Beckinsale movies. Those are fun. That was the joke. They're terrible.

So is Ryan Reynolds. And you can tell, like, so much immediately, like, nobody wants to anything to do with him. Like, he talks, and then the movie keeps going. It's really awkward. It's like Wesley Snipes is on his, like, college freshman dorm floor. Uh-huh. And, like, he's decided he's just going to ignore this dude that he hates. Like, maybe they're roommates. And he's like, I'm not going to talk to Hannibal. And he's clearly ignoring him. I think there's lines that Blade is not being, Blade is not saying in this movie,

because Wesley Slice just refused to talk to this guy. Oh, absolutely. Again, the scene can work without this line. And then, so, So we have this kind of close quarters, small hallway, like breakout thing, which is fine. You know why it's fine? Ryan Reynolds is too busy fighting to talk. Key thing, key thing here. And he stops yammering on. Well, we also get a look at Jessica Beale, who plays Whistler's Daughter, and it's a good idea

to kill Whistler in the first part of the movie, so that never comes up. She's like, yeah, I'm Whistler's daughter, but I might as well not be. Like, they never addressed that she knows that he's dead. You know. And by the way, what about Whistler? Whistler's mother? Whistler's daughter's mother? I don't know, the painting.

Oh, oh, that Whistler's mother. Yeah, Blade, I was born of a living painting. Get over it. You're not the only fantastical beast. That's right, Blade. My father's Vigo the Carpainter. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, actually, wow.

The scourge of Maldavia. He's got children all over museums. Well, that line, and mother to me, that's how you close. But yeah, so, yeah, Jessica Beale has, her thing is, like, she has a bow and arrow and no personality. It's like Hawkeye.

Yeah. It's the same exact thing. Yeah, it's like if paint can dry and shoot an arrow. The only difference between the two characters is that it's different actors and Jessica Beale wears an iPod earbutts the whole time. Oh, that's right.

Playlists. How fucking funny is that? They stopped the movie dead so Ryan Reynolds could be like, hey, she's loading up her computer with MP3s so she could then put them on her iPod. So then, therefore, she could fight while listening to her iPod.

Hi, it's 2004. Hello. And I'm sorry, I don't care that she's like tying them behind her ears and then putting them in, if you're karate fighting a bunch of vampires, that shit's fallen out in two seconds. Yes.

Like that first kick, it's falling right out. No, she needs some hooks behind the ears, I'm sorry. They were like a string or something. Yeah, that order, like, I've had so many Mr. Bean-esque mish mishaps with my fucking headphones. Oh, you were trying to, like, switch a playlist and then your head got stuck in a turkey?

Yes. Oh, no. It was Thanksgiving one year ago. Steve ruined Thanksgiving again! But... She just wanted to listen to Iron and Wine and then the whole thing was ruined. She also has this lightsaber thing.

Oh, this is dumb. This is about as dumb as it gets. Which they say is, what, half as hot as the sun? Yeah, yeah. Half as hot as the sun. So the minute she takes it out, everybody's fucking dead. They're all dead.

They're all dead. If she drops it, it falls through the earth. And we decided to look this up to see just how dumb this was. So playing it as safe as you can be, right? Just the very, like, first layer of the sun, according to the internet, is 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Well, that's why she doesn't wear sleeves. Smart move.

They keep getting singed off. Wouldn't, like, everyone knows she's coming because the temperature rises? hundreds of degrees. It's like the end of fucking ratings in Lost Arkman. Everyone's melting. So they escape this building

and the two of them are like, Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Buehler standing outside and he's like, we're fucked! And she's like, we are not fucked! And then Blade, for no reason, jumps out a window, like swan dives

out this window, flips, like, it's perfect. I gave it like a 9-8. Yeah. Like, it was an amazing. amazing dive. And then he lands and he stands up and goes, forgot my sword. Shut up. Just leave when they leave.

You should have said, forgot my blade. What does he mean? They say Blade so many times in this movie. Oh, totally. Everyone's saying Blade. When Blade's not on screen, it's like, where's Blade? Well, no, everyone's sentence to Blade is like, hey,

Blade, do you think that's a good idea? Blade? No. Next scene. Yeah, there's so many times he says next scene. He's got like no dialogue. He's almost playing it silent. Moving on.

So we go back to the Nightstalker's headquarters and we get the team that nobody asked for. This is, and this is so, like when you're writing a sequel for whenever you find yourself writing a sequel, if you have to take the character that's been popular enough already for two movies, and you're like, let's give this character a team. You are setting yourself.

Fail. No, no, like a team of youngsters. That's the other thing. Now Blade is, like, debasing himself having to be like, all you rookies and young kids. Like, shut the fuck up. It's Wesley Snipes. He's gorgeous.

He's a fucking Adonis. What are you talking about? These young kids showing me up. You know, he never takes a shirt off in this movie. He's a thumbs down. Big problem. Not good.

Not good. There's some line here where he's like, I didn't know Whistler had a daughter and the flattest line delivery you ever hear as Jessica Beale going, yes, I was born out of wedlock. Oof! Like, they should have just had someone behind David Goyer

watching what he was typing, and as soon as they read something like that, they just had a little slide whistle, like, boom! And then he, like, looks back and he starts deleting it. I think any time you write a script, the last step you do is hit a find and replace for wedlock. also like the name Whistler I thought that was always his ham radio name

or something Well then it just stuck though But like she's in the credits as being Abigail Whistler It's like a last name That's how much I loved ham radio Chicken shit I changed my name to Whistler

It was a handle It was an Ellis Island chop chop Man is Wislavsky Oh Wislavsky I knew it They didn't like those poles man I would love it Maybe that's the way to... Maybe he's got a brother.

Like a Ben Whistler? Who's... Guess what? You didn't know I had a twin brother, did you? Yeah, I'm still in this movie, whatever. Man, that would be great if they revealed its triplets. Oh!

Like, that first whistler, definitely dead. That second whistler, definitely dead. And then this one was... Ha, I'm currently a Whistler. No, it's multiplicity. He's going to Harris Eulens' house every so often to get all these clones. After we're done fighting vampires,

I got some treasure we could go hunt. Curly Whistler. Except, like, yeah, like, this is Chris Christopherson, like, with his ponytail, like, pulled back. Sure. Not just this freewheeling mane he's got, which is great, by the way. It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous. He looks fantastic. The roadie cut. Yeah, no, he's flourishing. He's hauling amps, dude. So we get the rest of the team, which is some guy that does nothing who drives the car, is the only other black actor in the movie

and then you've got Pat and Oswald as like the Q question mark and like he's the guy that says hottie yeah he does say Hattie that's what you're referencing that is what I'm thank you

thank you and then there's Natasha Leon for no reason and her daughter for even less of a reason and she's blind for no it's no reason yeah there's no reason well that was a medical reason I assume she wasn't just wearing sunglasses

They were testing that fucking crossbow and like her eyes burned out of her head. Oh shit, this is a recent development? Yes, yes. This is a week just place one week before she saw everything. That actually makes sense as to why this hideout is not handicapped

accessible at all. No, it's not. Jessica Biel opened it in the lobby. She was four flights up. It just went dead. We don't know what a stupid device. So we can get to the other guy. Dracula's in this movie, right? Yeah, known as Drake. and he's played by

if you've ever seen Prison Break Prison Break fans Oh wow You don't need to see prison break I've never seen it I was just curious if anyone else had Or the Flash and the Legends of Tomorrow The Nazis

What is he playing there? Hey! Heat Wave Oh really? Yeah, heat wave What's his deal? He likes it hot That's exactly good That's all you need to know

Checks out. How many people are you passed on this before you start calling this guy? Many. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this is 2004. This is the third blade movie.

Like, there's money here. Are we going to Gary Oldman, you think? No. No, no, no. You can't ask Gary Oldman to play another vampire. Another Dracula vampire? No fucking way.

Okay. Well, I mean, Pat and Oswald probably passed on it to play this other character. Okay. He's like, I'm glad. He has more dialogue, honestly. I don't know. You threw me with Gary Oldman.

Maybe Keanu could do it. Yep. I would love to see Keanu play Gravato. Who else was at Bram Stoker's Dracula? Look. And Winona Ryder is Dracula? Yes, yes. But Kurt Wood Smith.

Is he in that? Oh, no, just Kurt Wood Smith. You just like Coler Smith. Yeah, I think that's incredible. No, we were confused because we were doing cast members of Francis. I'm not. I'm breaking it. Oh, all right. You think you can fly blade?

Oh, wait, how about Gary Busey? Oh, yeah, that's it. Perfect. I was like a good. I'm a prince of darkness. Yeah! Like, it totally worked. I mean, listen, it would be the dumbest thing ever. But this is the third blade movie.

Who gives a shit? Oh, I'm just drinking some blood. Let me know when we're starting shooting. I'm playing a wood. Dracula, wants you so kind of robot? It's an acronym, right? It's not a fucking alien. Predator, too.

Dracula might as well be an alien in this movie because they revamp, they redo the whole lore. It's like, oh, he's from ancient Samaria, and he might be an ancient alien. And he's, like, dressed like he's on the set of Romeo plus Juliet. He's got, like, that, like, this shirt. The one button on the shirt? Like, the last one, and it's just everything is here.

Where do they get that? That has to be a new shirt. That's a really good point. Yeah, it is. Was it like Parker Posey's shirt? Maybe. That's why it doesn't fit, like it's just he's too big for it? It's one of Triple H's old shirts. Oh, one of the post hairs.

We need like a sequence of Triple H teaching Dracula English. And it would be really fun because neither of them know English. Or an I'm too sexy montage with Triple H in Dracula. That would be great. Hey, Dracula, we got to shower you down, brother. and cue that tune. Yeah, and then, like, Parker Posey keeps going until she's like, yeah.

All the different hairstyles. Yes. They keep turning Dracula around in a chair. I have a problem. If you're hiring an actor for Dracula, you get a bunch of headshots, and you throw out anyone that don't have a widow's peak. That's how that should have.

Dracula cannot have a crew cut. He's got a crew cut. Yeah, and it's just a flat one. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. So the movie, this movie does one of those things where it's like, forget all the books, Forget all the movies.

This is the real shit. Forget it all. Forget hundreds of years of lore. It's this shit. You got to triple the time. It just took you to do that because it's Ryan Reynolds who tells us this.

Why? So everything is drizzle, dizzle, hizzle, whizzle, like, all this extra garbage on top of just saying that. There's one moment in this movie where I don't think they were like, Ryan, don't worry about looking at the camera

because we're just getting audio right here. Because there's a shot where he's just staring at the camera. And here's another thing about Dracula. Like, they don't even bother to hide it that he's just, like, vomiting exposition. And this movie was in the Ryan Reynolds business, okay? Big time.

They were like, we are buying Ryan Reynolds stock today and it's going to be worth twice as much tomorrow. Well, they were like, look, he was in that, like, kind of Christmas movie where he was, like, a fat guy. Oh, right. Best Buds or whatever. Just Friends. Just Friends.

I call it Best Buds. Okay. Waiting, which some people enjoy. Oh, there's people that'll tell you, that's funny. they're out there yeah and I mean like okay he's funny

but like and this is like holy shit he worked out wow that's something I think it's like Wesley Snipes worked out should be that yeah you know Wesley

was busting balls to get in shape like come on let him take that shirt off let him yes it's so mean he should

hunt in the nude where's he going to put all those batterangs and shit now I'll figure it out he's wearing this like wine-colored mock turtleneck for most of this movie it's not a good look awesome yeah it looks like it looks like your dad's Thanksgiving shirt with a little blade vest over it the blade vest is over it so it like kind of cools him up a little bit

but that is a dad Thanksgiving shirt also if the cops are after you maybe put on a hat Like, you've got a very distinct haircut. Obscure your face in some manner. You have to cover up those huge head tattoos, man. You can see those things from space. Like, shave your head, get rid of that haircut, which is just his haircut from Demolition Man, by the way.

Same thing, just like much shorter. Yeah, and black. And, well, yes, obviously, he doesn't have blonde hair in this movie. That would be off color for blades, a creature of the night. No, but, yeah, and then, like, put a wig on. Oh, yeah. To cover up the neck tattoos. No, I know what you're talking about.

Maybe like a Beatles wig kind of a thing. Oh, that would work. I bet that would work just fine. There's some, like, random side plot where, like, blade uncovers, like, what is this? Like, a blood farm they refer to it as. Oh, God. I don't know what this is.

These Capri Suns? It's like... Dude. They do. They look like Capri-sun people flavor. For a second, I just wanted to put a straw, like, right on the top of it was. And that's their purpose.

They're like brain dead and... We're just harvesting. Because like these new vampires are like classier and reformed and they're like biting necks. Oh, that's things animals do. We're just going to suck it through a straw of his juice box.

Instead we're going to have like this factory of Terry Shibos. You know what? It's not pretty. It's not pretty. But that's what it is. They are all like brain dead in comas and stuff.

and it's an abomination. Well, Blade has to go so far as to say, it's a vampire final solution. And I'm like, let's keep that out. And how did that make the trailer? Everyone's like, oh, you know if people want to see Vampire Final Solutions? Did you get tickets for Vampire Final Solution yet?

What's that? It's the third Blade movie. Why did they call it that? More. Like, how about, oh, it's the vampire's master plan. Yeah. Oh, it's their leader's master stroke. Nope. No. No. Anything.

The kill shot. Oh, it's the vampire kill shot. They wind up blowing this thing up and it, or no, they wind up like killing all these people. They just pull the plug. They're all... Just like Terry Sheryl. But here's how they cover their tracks, though.

Because we're told that they're brain dead, which is a bummer, but don't worry about it because they're just homeless people. That's how Giuliani did it, man. That's how we did it. I don't know. Fish him off to the vampire farms. The vampires had a very attractive

orphan. If I open up this vampire farm on Staten Island, maybe they'll finally convert me. Oh, you think he's a familiar? Oh, guaranteed. Are you kidding? Look at him. He already kind of looks like Nospiratu.

That's true. It's like Nosephiratu fucked a bald beaver, and that's what Rudy Giuliani looks like. So he's already halfway there. Where's Rudy? Where is Rudy? Oh, is he at the blood farm? You know, it is in Bedminster, New Jersey.

So, yeah, they turn off all these people. There's a scene where Dracula goes to a vampire store. It's like a store for vampires. Strictly for that. It's for vampire fans, right? It's like a familiar boutique. Well, it's where you can get like a bunch of vampire merch with a side of sarcastic.

comments from a sales quote. And Count Chocula. Dude, the Count Chocula product placement in this movie. I was getting hungry. You know what? I feel like the Count Chocular rep was like, oh great, we finally got, we broke into the Blade movie. This is our big scene. He's bringing it. He brings his mom, and then this lady brings out

this enormous, hideous looking dildo for no reason. She's like, we've got Count Chocula, we've got some tapes of Dracula 31 in the back. Oh, and all of these vampires. Dildos. It's so disgusting looking. And you're showing it to

Dracula. It's so disrespectful. You have to have Dominic Purcell hold that in his car. Oh, yeah. Right? Like, that's what I want. At least. At least. At least. I'm going to take it

for a test drive. Where is your changing room? Gross. Gross, gross, gross. Do people buy Dildos with like faces on them? It's got like a little face.

You know what it looks like, actually? Those fucking thumb war people. Yes. Fuck myself with Steve Odecirk's thumb. Also gross. He walks for a mile to this vampire store and then kills these two people.

It's like, I guess like a hot topic joke sort of. I guess, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is 2004. Is he searching out that store or does he just get lucky? I think so. Like he walks in and he's like, I hit the jackpot, my merch store. He looked up vampire in the yellow pages.

Oh, I didn't know they had a whole location. So there is a scene wherein, it's a cool montage where Wesley Snipes is in one movie, and Ryan and Reynolds and Jessica Biel are in the other movie. We are split-screaming fight scenes. That's what we're talking about as far as working relationships. Exactly. I'll film on Monday, and they can film on fucking Tuesday

and I do not want to see them and so the whole mission here is something about like Natasha Leon has almost created this cure for vampirism. Sure. To wipe out like all the vampires at once and this is of course project Daylight or the daylight device or whatever

Daystar. Daystar, excuse me. Sounding a lot like a vampire final solution itself to be quite honest. Yeah exactly. The fucking pot called the kettle black here. You're not like instantly evil when you're a vampire in this world, right? Can you be kind of half you know, like not... Are there like vampires who are cool with it?

Yeah, just like, you know, going to work every day trying to make their best of it? Work every day, probably not. Well, every night. That's the greatest part of being a vampire, though. You don't have to do shit. That's true. You just wear, like, leather jackets.

And leather pants. Genitorial staff at night. Well, yeah, I mean, you're working night jobs. Yeah, yeah. Just rob a bank. Who needs a job? No, you have to spend, like, decades in, like, the world of art dealing and all that.

You get like a classy fortune. Oh my God, what if it was Blade versus Only Lover's Left Alive? Oh, man. Well, see, he would just burst through that door and they'd be like hanging out listening to cool records. You know, and he'd be like, come on, let's go. And they're just like sitting there smoking cigarettes talking about how they wish Detroit would come back.

I love that movie. You know what, you guys are good. Just leaves them alone. You're cool. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Are there only lover lovers luck to live vampire? out there, probably.

None that were shown in these three movies, though, I think is the idea. That's fair. Yeah. You're right, though. That's an avenue this film could have explored. Exactly. You know, really kick it over two hours.

It's pretty damn close. So, um, they find, there's the first big fight scene with Dracula. They go to John Michael Higgins' place, and he winds up being Dracula. Oops. Uh, we were both for the Matrix, a bunch.

Oh, a whole lot. Yeah. And, uh, Ryan Reynolds gets, like, staked with silver because they needed him to shut the fuck up for five minutes. Dude, it's kind of great. They, like, purposely take him out for a little bit. You get, like, ten blissful minutes. And then Dracula steals a baby?

Well, you know, he's a monster. Sure. But the funny thing is, they do this bit earlier in the movie with, like, Jessica Beale and a fake baby. All right. And then they... The babyjackers come out. Yeah.

There are, like, vampires that are on baby patrol. I guess it's really good blood. Yeah. Oh, that's like... That's what they, you know... Do they raise it up and, like, drink it as it gets older? Do they just, do you just chug it as early as possible? You just crack its head and chugged.

That's what it is, dude, early as possible. It's one that's like the freshest. It's like beer like right from its head. Wow, man, that's awesome. Is it? Is it? Eric. It's fresh. Okay, fair.

You're going to die anyway. Wouldn't you rather die as a kid? My point was. You get it over with is my point. But go on. They went to the American sniper store for this. baby puppet. They really did. This thing, it's just

like, I think it's even worse, dude. It is like a, you only get at like the end of a paper towel roll and it's just the cardboard. It's that with a blanket wrapped around it. They're swaddling garbage. Maybe Clint Eastwood was a huge fan of

played movies. It's like, probably not. But go on. Can I, can I just direct one scene? I'll bring my own baby puppet B-Y-O-B-P Baby Puppet So Blade

Blade takes this baby as collateral Because they're on this rooftop Or Dracula does, excuse me He's a bad guy Takes it up on this rooftop and it's like I swear to God, Blade, I'll drop it right now You know, they're doing that kind of a thing Oh, don't waste that baby

Dude And then like fucking Peyton Manning Dracula like spirals this baby to Blade and then, you know, scamps away. Yeah, and then, like, Blade, because, like, he's just like, I guess I have to do something. Coochicoo, baby puppet. Man, you know, I don't need this much comedy from Blade in this movie.

I'm already getting my ribs tickled from Ryan Reynolds. It's just too much fun. Yeah, you might stop breathing. You're laughing so much. Man, have you died watching Blade Trinity? Like, I remember I saw this in the theater. It's totally alone. Which is how you see Blade Trinity

But dude imagine I just died there Like that was my last thing Was seeing Blade Trinity Wouldn't you rather die as a kid As a kid watching Blade 1 I guess Hey better movie man I'll die during Blade

I'm not dying during Blade Trinity Sounds about right So he Gochikoo Sorry This is really dumb and fun to say At this point Dracula is like, I'm coming for you all.

And he winds up turning into Chris Christopherson for literally no reason. Oh, we forgot to mention for no reason Dracula's shape ships in this movie. No other vampire shapeships ever. They do say that he's got like all these little bones that are like a snake's bones. Oh, that's pretty cool, man. Hey, hey Eric. Hey Eric. Yeah.

That's pretty cool. Because as we know, snakes can shapeship. Do you imagine Dracula just started like hissing at plays? Read your Bible, motherfucker. Yes, they can. All right. We're right. Yeah. So, yeah, so Dracula dates back that far.

That's right. There's that weird scene with him and Parker Posey. Wait, he says he was at the crucifixion. Is that true? Casual dropping that he was attending the crucifixion. It was the first Velvet Underground show. Yeah, Lou Reed is also old. I just imagine, like, Dracula walking through, like, hey, who's that guy? Oh, that's Jesus?

Cool. You guys will stick around. Oh, good, those two other dudes aren't dead yet. I didn't miss the opening act. How did they do that, by the way? Was it a one at a time or like all at once? No, they're all three of them, man. At once?

Yeah, all at once. Yeah. That's cool. It's like a three-ringed circus. Well, how do you pick a headliner, you know? It's really tough. You'll put Jesus in the middle. Everybody does.

You just try to fill out the shot at that point. How many monsters were there? Now it's the devil, Pontius Pilate, Dracula. Was a Frankenstein in the movie? the audience? Creature is a black lagoon? Is this a continuation or a different telling of

Dracula 2000? Maybe he's Judas. Right? Wow, yeah. Yeah. Nobody cares. See what I did there? Nobody cares. There's a whole thread

that was going to go on, but nobody cared. To that point there's kind of I'm being at a live comedy show is like a choose your own adventure. Like, I don't want to hear that. Click no. And then we move on. They like the baby stuff.

They love the baby stuff. That's what they're. It's the veal of comedy. So they explained to Blade that the best way to make this day star is it Chris Kavana? The day star device work is they need a bit of Dracula's blood. Just a bit.

Just a bit of Dracula's blood. Now here's the thing. They didn't know starting this project that the only way it would work is Dracula's blood. So what did they start this project four. Like, they didn't know Dracula was around. Like, one of the odds?

What are the odds? You start a project that is only successful if you acquired Dracula's blood. And then, whoops, a 7,000-year-old Sumerian vampire god is fucking resurrected that very day! But also, good point, because also, like, how do you know what the quality of Dracula's blood is? Like, when you're

doing your math equation, it's just a variable. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about? And what is that born on day, dude? He has been lying in that fucking hole in Syria for centuries, eons even. Eons even. Like, you don't know, it's all, you know what? It's all garbage.

It's all... It's bad science and blade Trinidad. But then thank God most of the night stalkers are slaughtered. Immediately. Off screen? Right? Most of it's off screen, which is ridiculous. It's an R-rated movie and we're saying fuck like we're in fucking

grade school. And... I think it's like, it rivals Big Loboski I would say. It's up there. Fucking this, fucking that. There's a whole dick scene we'll get to in a bit. I would like to see some people impaled. Yes, exactly.

It's an action movie. Let's cut off Pat and Oswald's head. Yeah. We all love Pat and Oswald. God bless, but, you know, it would give him something more to do in the movie. Yeah.

He's playing basketball for some reason. Which is just... I think someone was like, you know what I've never seen? Pat Nosswell playing basketball. Put it on. Make it happen. You play basketball probably, right?

Yeah. There you go. I think it's like supposed to be a gag because the duty's playing is very tall. Yes, and he's beating him. And then Natasha Leon's kid, who is only there to be kidnapped. Yes. Is kidnapped.

Surprise, surprise. What are the odds? And they also kidnap Brian Reynolds instead of just fucking killing him. That sends a good message. Yeah. If you want to kidnap somebody, kidnap the blind Natasha Leon, that's fine.

Well, no, she's murdered horribly. Yeah. Which is fine. What is it, is it a Thoreau quote that's painted in her blood on the curtain? I thought that was, I thought there was a Dracula quote. It says Drake was here. No, I mean, that's a good point. When did he have time to read the row?

I mean, when did he read the row? When did he learn English? All these questions and more answered on the DVD comedy. At least triple H read it to him. Oh my God, deleted scene now, Dracula, here we go. I am a tree. Or something. Definitely or something.

So, yeah, we, like, Brian Ralds gets kidnapped, and, Chris, if I ever get kidnapped, can you do me a promise? Don't train before you come get me, like, literally just come get me. What if I have a really cool idea for a weapon? No, no. If I can design it and then come back. You have enough weapons. My life is in late danger. What if that weapon was half the temperature of the sun?

I don't care. I'm being held at knife point. Oh, okay, but I can polish my sword for a while, right? No. Well, what the fuck are you talking about? Get out of the bathroom and go save him. How about, but like, if the best poison is in the Congo, I should probably

go to the Congo first. Get the poison and then come back. Reverse engineered the antidote. I do love that these. Because you're poisoned, right? Yeah. They lay out all of their weapons and look at them for a while. They're like, count. Like, that's enough. I mean, it's, well, because

they're using like a crystal method song so of course it takes forever. Oh, wait, no, the best part of this movie is when I want to skip over is when they find Natasha Leon, Jessica Appeal is really hurt. Oh, yes! It's definitely how this soon was written versus how this scene was shot

where it's like, she's like cradling Natasha Leon crying and Wesley Snipes is like, use it. Use it! But I think it was a thing where it was only supposed to be once. Like in this script, it's written once. But they just used three, like,

they cut in, like, three takes because it's like, use it. All right, Wesley, we're going to do that one again. Maybe with a little more energy. Use it. Yeah, David, I know you wanted Wesley to go up to Jessica and whisper, use it in her ear, and, like,

try to be empathetic and everything. He's not going to move. And he's going to be in the hallway. The whole... He's so far away from her. He's 25 feet away at at least. Why didn't he move? I don't know.

That's the best part. He just did it. He just didn't, yeah. Well, no, and then there's a third time he says it, and it's even worse. Yeah, it's just, I don't. And she's like, what did you say? Yeah, yeah, use it or whatever. My friend is dead.

What? So she, like, starts, like, doing, like, bow and arrow tricks. Speed trials. Come on, man. It turns into a baseball movie where she's trying to, like, get the fastball as good as possible. Are you think she had some trouble with the curve? I do think so. Hey, wait a minute. That one was mine.

He played a vampire in that, Tom, right? Sure. Eastwood plays a vampire in everything. And Grasdway know, he's definitely a vampire. He may have played a vampire in trouble with the curve. I turned it off after 25 minutes. That sounds about right. That wasn't up. So Ryan Reynolds is kidnapped.

So finally we get to get some, like, world-class Ryan Reynolds-ing. You also get some good Triple-H in this scene. Yes. Because everything Triple H says, is unintentionally the funniest thing you've ever heard in your life. Ryan Reynolds says something about his dick and then Triple H, probably out of character

like actual Triple H was like, and when did you see my dick, fuck face? And then does like this slow-mo kick and kicks him over in this chair but it's like I swear to God I watch this twice in like 24 hours. I think he does the wrestler thing where like it's the kick

but then you stomp to make it sound like you actually did the thing And they're like, no, no, no, Jean-Paul, no, no, no, no, no, we're not. We have sound effects. You're not in the ring. We don't need you to stamp your other foot to make it believable.

That's the only way I know how to do it. When the fuck did you see my foot, fuck face? But the best thing is, like, Parker Posey even has to go out of character and, like, probably to David S. Goyer, is like, can everyone stop saying dick for five minutes? There's so many of these, like, intended to be off-camera comments

that just make the movie. This whole scene, I think. So they're torturing him, and that's kind of... They're torturing him, and he's just, like, bebopping and scatting all over this screenplay, dude. And I guess it works as Deadpool, right? Like, this thing... It does, because that's what it's supposed to be.

Yeah. That's the thing. That's what everyone's paying to see for that movie. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I'm paying to see that guy up there for Blade. Fucking Ryan Reynolds. I mean he's fine

But he's fine but just not here Button up Learn something from Blade Your elder How about that Your elder vampire statesman Yeah Guaranteed

Oh also Ryan Reynolds Used to be a vampire Yeah We're told that at some point Comes to nothing It's just to show his pub bone He's like I used to be a vampire By the way here's my pubic bone

He did the same He did the same exercises As like Brad Pitt and Fight Club Yeah Like the first time I saw Fight Club I was like, I didn't know there were muscles there. And he is looking fit as fuck. I've never found it.

I think we're all biologically engineered to not have them. There's just nothing there. It's a bump. Do you think there's like a roll exercise, like a Suzanne Summers, like, thigh master thing for your pup bone? Hopefully. Oh, also, we... We definitely get a Jamie Kennedy and Scream 3.

If you're watching this, you're in the third Blade movie. Come on. Because they're like, oh, Natasha Leon was murdered. Oh, here's this VHS tape. And it's hard just standing in front of a webcam. Like, if you're watching this, no, I was probably murdered by Dracula. If I was eaten by Dracula, here's what to do.

There are certain rules to get through a Blade Trinity trilogy, one of which new characters nobody likes. second endless amounts of hilarious improv third iPods yeah iPods yeah what the hell and she delivers some information about like well the only way to do this now

is shoot this fucking day star serum into Dracula she's like if you want to end this movie please use how you do it and that's what that's like the final mission or whatever is to go do this shit then hours later they're ready to go

and get Ryan Reynolds, hours later. There's this, like, vampire office building in downtown? Yeah, vamp ink, dude. And it's full of vampire dogs as well. It's great, dude. That's a new show on Fox. Vamp ink?

Coming up this fall on Fox, and every Friday, it's going to be the latest great television catastrophe. Vamps, Inc. Now back to the World Series, I'm Joe Buck, and that's what this joke was. What? Jobs are these people doing? Oh, magazine work.

Really? Are they putting out magazines? Well, they're vain. Yeah, they are vain. Vampires are known for that. Totally. Where do you think they make the Dracula Dildos, dude? Oh, that's it.

Oh, yeah, like, it's like a fun factory. It's all these hijinks people are getting into. It's like a huge party city type place. Oh, no, I fell into all the dildos. Oh, Bland. Man, you know it would be great if you went to party, Party City corporate and they were fucking ruthless. Oh, you know they are, dude.

Oh, you thought you'd come in here for this job interview. And it's all streamers and balloons and fucking Dracula dildos. Well, this is Party City. God damn it. This is a business. It's a business we're running

where we sell party supplies and it's a lot of fun. But not here. How did you not get all that cheap plastic ship from China? You dumb fuck! Oh, then they're executed. They're melted down, dude, like horses,

and then they become the party supplies. That's twisted. Horses are, wait, party supplies are made out of horses? Yeah. Yep. That's what I'm saying. Sticking by. Think about that on New Year's

when you're blowing that noise maker. I'll think about that on Bastille Day. Yeah, I think if I ever die of tuberculosis, it's because of a noise maker. Like a collection of noise makers past Those things are filthy So what happens? They shoot an arrow at Dracula?

Oh no, there's a lot more What? There's so much more It's amazing No, I mean it's just a bunch of fighting They show up and like, you know, they're fighting each other Well again, we have to splinter off Because everybody hates everybody

Working on this movie So it's like, Blade gets one fight And then like Jessica Beal gets this other fight Ryan Reynolds is fighting first Triple H And then Parker Posey And then Krista, Chris Christopherson goes to Ryan, Randall's like, Ryan, Blade asks if you could please pass the salt. Blade, are you done with your stink that Ryan would like to use it?

I mean, this is terrible. These conditions are miserable. I'm so mad at this contract right now. I just want to walk. I think I'm the most professional person here. And I would kill for fucking ten minutes. Do you think they just had to keep him on set? Because him and Snipes are buddies? They're best buds.

That's the best thing I learned about this. It's the Wesley Snipes and Chris Christopherson hang. That is amazing. They hang out. How much do you guys want to be in that room? Well, hey, Wes, I got all these old tapes of me playing a Koustak guitar. Yeah, you keep doing karate, dude. That's awesome.

I'm just going to put them on. That's the thing, man. That's why their friendship is so beautiful, is because they can hang out in the same room for hours and not say a word to each other and have a great time. Where should you keep doing those, you know, those one-arm push-ups,

I'll keep drinking. You know what? I noticed it was your birthday recently, so here, here's the new yoga map for you to do your karate chops off. Oh, mercy. Oh, Ryan Reynolds kills a bunch of dogs. That's what I came to see.

Oh, predator dogs. Ryan Reynolds' slaughtering vampire dogs. Here's a question, because we're in the Marvel universe, right? What's dumber? These vampire dogs in Blade Trinity or those Hulk dogs in that Angley Hulk movie? Hulk dogs.

Hulk dogs, right? Yeah, yeah. Totally. It's the dumbest thing you've ever seen. They look like the dogs from the mask. Remember when the mask put the dog put the mask on or whatever the hell? Yes, I do. Yeah. It looks like that. It looks a little less good than that.

I don't even remember the Hulk dogs. But I'll say it's worse. Hulk like beats them up real quick it's kind of funny but not really Love beating dogs Hulk Huckabee over here Man that Huckabee family They're terrible

You hear about that Mike Huckabee's son kills dogs Oh he did like that one time Wils to being a Boy Scout Now Mike Hockerby's going to unsubscribe from our podcast. That was it. Fucking finally.

He kept writing in with all those jokes. Like, see, I could be on the show. I'm funny. So there's like a swashbuckling between Dracula and Blade. Oh, yeah. The only thing Dracula knows about is like, I don't know, like sword etiquette. Like, that's like the only character trait he has, aside from visiting the cute crucifixion for a bit. He's like, these people don't know what it's like to live.

by sword honor and I'm like, the fuck are you talking about Dracula? Since when is Dracula swordsman, right? Yes. And a man of honor.

That's the dumb part. Yeah. It's a vampire. But yeah, I mean, it's one of these things where he's like, Oh, Blade, you have fought me with honor.

It's like he's a Klingon. Well, he's dressed like Shao Kam for the second half of the movie. What? And now here's the thing, because we were talking about the Coppola movie, right?

He kind of has like some of Gary Oldman's armor from that movie but not all. of it. He's got like half of it and there's like a weird it's like a mesh shirt that he's got on like just above the nips.

And then he like turns into like a wet tree or whatever this thing is. Oh this beast? Yeah. I figured out the armor. That's what he was going to the vampire store for but they just they sold half the armor so he had to use like half a fishnet shirt. I really have half of this Halloween costume that you're looking for. And that's why he isn't...

Party City didn't have it either. I've been all over town. Didn't you see that shot? where the time went fast when I walked. That's why he's wearing a sublime t-shirt for half the movie. Dude, that sequence looks like a bad music video. There's a part where it's like Dracula walks by a camera

and he's supposed to be like walking in front of a cityscape. But it's like bad karaoke background video. With arms right open. Dracula walks around. Just go outside. All right, now walk in front. Got it. Okay, we got it.

If this means we don't have to use a fucking terrible-looking animated background, yes, absolutely. This is a big budget Hollywood motion picture. Pay for it. Triple H gets killed by Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, after so much like one-linering back and forth, he also does a running power slam.

Because if we learn anything, it's that when you get a rassler just starting out his acting career, he has to do some kind of rassling move in the film. The problem is, age's pedigree one, there's just too much setup. That's why Hulk Hogan was cut out of the godfather. That's right. That's right. That's right.

They kept trying to have him do the leg drop on... The brother-in-law. Yeah, yes, exactly. It was Sonny Corleone, he beats the shit out of him, and then Hulk Hogan comes in and does a leg drop but it didn't test well. Yeah, no, it just, they were like, what is

this guy coming up in spandex? What is happening right here? Yeah, I'll have more of that calumary, please. Boy, I love being Italian. Leg drop. I think he is Italian, right? Terry Ballet? Yeah, you open pasta mania.

Oh, right, pasta mania. Yeah. Man, I wish that restaurant was still open. It's a picture of him and Marlon Brando shaking hands. Look, look, Francis, I need to be able to rip the shirt. I don't care if you need to make these one at a time. I need to rip the shirt. Oh, that would be great.

Terry Ballet and the God's Father. Yeah, I never thought of it. Hmm. Well, too late now. For several reasons. So, Dracula gets shot with this fucking arrow, right? Oh, Dracula does get shot with his arrow, that's correct. Well, no, because it's like, Jessica Beale is going to win the movie,

and then Wesley Snipes's like, nope, it's a played movie. I do it. Oh, you're right, he doesn't get shot with an arrow. No, yeah. It misses. They're this close to giving this movie completely over to a game. character nobody paid to see and Wesley Snipes probably

like fought this till they were like fine he can catch it he can catch it and shove it into this dude's guy well no actually it's Dracula as Tim Curry legend beast thing with leather pants he also kind of was like Wishmaster a little bit a little bit looks like I am Groot

it does kind of look like right like if you covered Groot in blood right like what like if that prison scene was realistic covered in blood If that prison scene in Guardians of the Galaxy were real. Yeah, it's a Marvel Disney joint.

Correct. It could have happened. So, yeah, I mean, it's like, how dare you? Blade, colon, Trinity, fuckface. Let him do it from the start. Oh, is Blade, colon, Trinity, colon fuckface? Yes, that's right. That's what they called it in Europe.

It might have been a dash, actually, in the second one. Fuckface, Volume 2. Yes. Yeah, so he's dead. he kind of has like a big explosion is it a explosion like the monster part explodes and then it's just Dominic Purcell again and you're like and a bunch of blood cells

right? It's like in the air like you're all bleed in the bloodness I am a biological agent like all his blood starts exploding out of him and then kills like all the other vampires because it mixes with all the mold coming out of the air condition that's what that was right

They get it with some sort of like silver air conditioning gag because Triple H burps fire in that one moment. Yeah, that didn't need to happen. There's, and Parker Posey, who's a huge character in this movie, just kind of get sick and dies. And Ryan Reynolds is like, I'll go get help. And that's kind of the problem with Ryan Reynolds in this movie. Like, he just says shit, and you're like,

are you serious? Like, are you actually getting help? I can't tell if you're joking. No, it's a problem. Are you helping out or what? Wake up. Is that actually half of the degrees of the sun or what? Yeah, like, I don't know if someone's making a joke right there.

I mean, maybe. Or they'd all be fucking dead. There's a lot of mysteries in Blade Trinity. It's a very dense screenplay. There's a lot to unpack. We can only do so much in one sitting. I mean, maybe five parts. You guys be back tomorrow?

So, yeah, and then it's this weird, like, Dracula and Blade, like, kind of have faced off, so they're both dying or something. I don't know why. I mean, I guess it's like at the end of a wrestling match when you don't know who. Who's going to come out? Who's going to pin who? Right, exactly. Who's hearing it from the crowd more, man?

And that James Remar comes in. Remar, well, then this is, like, when Remar enters, we sort of realized this afternoon that we watched two different cuts of this movie. Yeah, there's like a weird alternate cut. There's an extended cut, and then there's, like, the regular under two hours one. So you guys, what happened when Remar enters the room with you? They, I mean, like, they find, Dracula is like, you've done such a great job. I'm going to give you one final gift.

And I guess what he does is turn into Blade. to throw the cops off his tail? He's fucking Dracula. It makes no sense. What does Dracula care about Blades' legal trouble? Also, by the way, he just killed him. He hasn't been alive for like a thousand years. Does he know what cops are?

Anyway, they take Blades corpse to the morgue, and it turns back into Dracula, and people are like, what? And then Blade just drives away on his scooter. Yeah, right around. And Ryan Reynolds is like, you just saw a Blade movie featuring me, Ryan Reynolds. I have to do the narration. That's kind of our cut.

What was your cut? Our cut is that Dracula's just kind of gone and Blade is hanging out and then they bring Blade to the morgue. And so this is interesting. So yours was like, it turns back into Dracula and it's like, got you, Blade's not here and he's dead. Art cut that Eric and I watch it, the two of us watched it, it's, by the way, Wesley Snipes, great bit of trivia. I love Wesley Snipes so much. He hated making this movie so much

that they were like filming him. It's like top down and he's supposed to be like in the morgue on a table and they're like, all right, Wesley, this is where you open your eyes and sequel set up and he was like, not doing it. I'm not going to open my fucking eyes for you people. Why didn't he open his eyes? There's this great bit of

a video of actually the DVD footage of I think it's David Goyer explaining what happened. And this woman's like, wait, why didn't he open his eyes? He just wouldn't. And they just move on, like it's not a thing. But so then they use computer animation to make fake eyeballs open on him. And he gets up and he starts kicking ass

around this morgue and then leaves. I think that was the thing. It didn't test terribly well for Blade to be the shit out of medical professionals for no reason. That makes sense, actually. It's like, ah, maybe it's Dracula instead. Those people save lives.

And actually, like, even at the end of it, like, there's that woman cowering of Blade and you don't know if he's approaching her and then it just ends and it's like what happened? I know. Our hero? Ladies and gentlemen. And then he drives away on his scooter. And he drives away on his scooter. Nine minutes of credits roll and there's a stinger scene where he's then just

driving a car. So we missed the spot where you like hold over and got the Blade Mobile. I like the idea. Well, A, first of all, the last, you know, usually there's like this film, you know, was filmed in cooperation with whoever, special thanks. And then it's like either Blade will return and whatever. Last word, word, which is awesome. I love it.

It just says Word. It's fucking great. That's part of the movie. It is. It's the absolute best part of this movie. Well, I like the idea of sitting in the credits. You're like, I guess Blades driving a car in the next movie. Blade 4 road trip.

Or maybe we don't know enough about Blade Comics. Maybe that car is really important. Oh, I don't know. Any Blade comic fans out there? Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

Yes! It finally happened! Fuck yes! Now I'm worried that there's one guy in the bathroom like, fuck! No, I know, I love it. I love Blaine shit! Well, so that's Blade Trinity, everybody. I want to thank y'all for coming out here for what was the third time this year.

How many you saw us all three times this year? Oh my God, there you guys. Big thanks to the Bell House. We love this place, of course. Big thanks to the Brooklyn Podcast Festival that this whole thing is a part of. So as always, we're going to leave you with a little correspondence

from the internet to wrap up here really quickly. This is correspondence from the internet movie database. User review section. That's the front page of the internet. Okay, so I thought this movie was fantastic. 10 out of 10 stars, user review, Cheetah! I actually did some digging on that guy.

It's Brian Reynolds. So this first part is all in caps, and I think someone's mom was writing it. I don't think I added a spoiler, but I don't know what that means and my computer won't load up the guidelines so I can find out, but if it means that I added something

that happened in the movie that would run it for someone, no, I did not. What? My computer will pull up guidelines? Yeah. It's all right here. Okay. Followed by an ellipses.

Sure. Then Cheetah writes. Okay. This is one of the few movies I would give a 10 rating to. I thought that they picked the best person to play Drake, parentheses, Dracula. And adding the new two rookies to the plot was a cool idea. It was great. I had to get it for Christmas.

And since I've had it, there's so many kinds. I've watched it again for about the fifth or sixth time. If you like the other Blade movies, you might be like me and like this one the best. And then finally, welcome Jessica and Ryan, spoiler. That's all in the subject line. Why are you welcoming to a movie they've already been in? No, no, I think it's like, welcome to the franchise.

We're gonna have 10 movies, man. When you're here, your family, Blade. Yeah, maybe that happens. Every time they put a movie on, they introduce the cast to their family. Could you pass the breadsticks? My brother, Ben Whistler, didn't get one. Blade,

Ryan would like you to pass the song. 10 out of 10 stars, of course, this is from Carson Chow 108. Using your real name, maybe. That might be a problem. Blade Trinity is one of the exciting movies in 2004. One of the exciting movies

in 2004. This time, Jessica Beale and Ryan Reynolds join the cast to fight off the Daddy of the Vampire Dragger. The Daddy Vampire. The Daddy Vampire. Wesley delivers the same blade as usual,

but this time more action and less drama on him. The action... Hold on, drama on him? Drama on him. You can't say it, can you? Drama on him. Drama on him. Drama on you as well, Eric.

Good drama, sir. Drama on you. And drama with you. The action on him is so great that it can be compared to Alice in Resident Evil Apocalypse and The Bride in Kill Bill Volume 1. This person loved this movie.

Man, I just watched. my left foot man Daniel Day Lewis has so much action on him Where did you see my foot asshole? And the sad on Daniel de Lewis the sad on him was so good

not as much action on him but plenty of sad on him it seems that the movie has planned too much on the action that the audience you know have we planned too much action for this movie that the audience does not see too much

drama that should have been on blade himself. Wait, wait, wait, what? I have lost my place and I'm not even reading it. That the audience does not see too much drama that should have been on blade himself. Where should the drama be? Bend over and I'll show you, dudes. All right, well, all right.

It's a family show tonight. The plot builds up so quickly and so tight that it has not been a movie, like that for a long time. I'm reading this correctly, okay? Blade Trinity is better than the first and second, semi-colon, especially after the joining of Jessica and Ryan.

Oh, the joining of Jessica and Ryan? Oh, they cut out the wedding scene. They make the movie more watchable and different, form the first two. Yeah, I'm reading spelling errors. Fuck it. The ending is somehow well done. But considered as a trilogy,

it lacks the impact. it should have, and we just leave the cinema remembering only a two-hour fighting. Two-hour fighting. A two-hour fighting. To conclude, Blade becomes cooler.

Jessica is hot. And Ryan is hilarious, and surely an eye candy. Of course she's hot. She's, what, half the temperature of the sun? We hope to see them in the next blade, if there is one. We've been we hate.

movies everybody. Thanks so much for coming out. We'll see you next time. Good night. That was a hit-gum podcast.