We Hate Movies - S8 Ep340: Episode 340 - You've Got Mail

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

On this week's special Valentine's Day episode, the gang chats about the 1998 cyber thriller, You've Got Mail! How are we supposed to feel any sympathy for this billionaire creep, Joe Fox? How is a massive bookstore company still run like a family business? And just how f*ckable is Greg Kinnear in this one? PLUS: Please note that guys who are obsessed with and constantly quote The Godfather are terrible. You've Got Mail stars Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Greg Kinnear, Parker Posey, Jean Stapleton, Steve Zahn, Heather Burns, Dave Chappelle, Dabney Coleman, and John Randolph; directed by Nora Ephron. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, a little Valentine's Day treat. It's Nora Ephron's You've Got Mail. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in, as always. Happy Valentine's Week or whatever the fuck. Yes. Well, you know, whatever people work. Listen, we come out on Tuesdays. Valentine's Day is on a Wednesday. Sure. So, you know, I just want to make it clear, like, we're not celebrating, like, a week's worth of Valentine's year.

Whether you worship chocolates or. Roses or Cupid's. Oh, I certainly worship chocolate. The film is from 1998 directed by the late great Nora Ephron. This is the one that's a remake of the shop around the corner starring James Stewart. Right. And in that movie, he's like trying to pick up chicks with Morse Code, right? He's like sitting at the Morse Code machine, right?

There's some hotties on the wire, not the web yet, Chris. There's no World Wide Web yet. he's doing the morse code I thought he was like using messenger dinosaurs like in the Flintstone come here taradactyl send this lady on message this stone tablet

yeah we saw there was an adaptation of shop around the corner on Broadway there was a musical a couple years ago we went to and this was the only time I'll ever say this the dude Zachary Levi Oh right Chuck Who I find intolerable

on that show I am more like up Chuck. Uh, yeah, nice. Uh, was, uh, was pretty good at this musical. Okay. Yeah. It was originally a play. It's, uh, originally a play. Wait, and now I'm getting some, I'm being handed some information that they were actually pen pals in that, that 1940. That's right. They weren't using Morse code correction in from the news office. Yeah, no, I think you're just thinking of some old like James Stewart, like war movie. Yeah. Oh, wait. Holy shit. One second. I'm handed something else from the news office. That, we have a Patreon episode on Man of Steel.

Yes. Well, that was so weird of the news office to just interrupt the episode. Can we believe that? Well, I just want to let people know

that at the $5 level you can get a full We Hate Movies episode on Man of Steel and Bright. I should have seen the wording plug notice on the envelope when it was edited.

Wait, handed another document, Patreon.com slash we hate movies. If it's plugged notice that goes directly to me and don't open it. That goes directly

to me and do not open it. Do you want to talk about it? No, no. Okay. So in this film, we bring things into the modern era. We're going to talk about everything from ASL, you know? All these to straight on dirty ass cyber sex. That's what I don't understand. How do they not make the move to cyber sex? They totally did, man. I'm telling you it's deleted scenes. They have to. The CD underbelly of You've Got Mel. They met in a chat room. Don't tell me they're not cybering. Please don't tell me this. It was in the late 90s, we were all cybering then, all right? So much cybering.

He's sending her isky art of what his dick looks like. Remember iski art or whatever? Am I saying it wrong? Aski, isn't it? A-S-C-I-I-G-O-Bed-O-Hungarian? What is that? No, it's like a term that I'm not using correctly or saying, right? That it's like you make a picture out of,

stuff on the keyboard. It's like a pre-emoji kind of a thing. But it's also like something you can use to bomb the chat room. Remember those jerks that would bomb the chat room? I definitely do. Those people should have been put to death with real bombs. By the way, just so Chris is fully aware. Yes. 8 plus sign

plus, oh no, equals. Okay, I'm starting again. Okay. Eight equal equal equal capital D. Oh, the penis. There you go. That's what he's talking about. Okay, the penis. But they would have these intricate ones where it would be like a fat guy. and then his cock was hanging out Like they got really complicated with these things Well on Twitter they have those nows with like

In this house Oh yeah we're doing that's the same shit They kind of bomb the Twitter chat room a little bit with that To be quite honest It's taking up a lot of my space I'm going on the chat room mother So yes we open with And it does take me back because I'm of a certain age

The log on screen from AOL Oh, boy. It just hits you. And that phone modem? Ooh, baby. All of the endless and pointless conversations I had about episodes of the X-Files. I mean, what we should have started this episode, our episode with it was with that door open noise. Oh, right, dude.

When one of your buddies logged on? He's coming, man. Cucklunk the chunk. Oh, yeah. And it was always fucked up, though, because it was like, all right, I hope this is someone I like. It's like, oh, man. Because, like, I think when they initially came out with it, they didn't have, like, muting or hiding or whatever. But you could do if you're real thirsty, as the kids might say, now, because I want to, like, bring the kids in because they don't know what we're talking about.

Okay, so this is, like, when you, like, you're flirting on Instagram and then you start sending dick pics. This is the, the, or the end up a thirst trap. You could send an alert, set an alert for yourself when that person logs on because it's, oh, shit, stop everything. Yes. Shottie girl has lined on. that's the weird thing about this movie though so they're only doing email and at one point like hanks moves to iam and it's like a big move and i'm like why aren't they i am in each other they were they met in a chat room it's the same thing well maybe they're not online at the same

time yeah i see because there's a lot of like late night just up crying on your huge laptop yeah she says that they met when she was drunk like on her birthday well that's when you get drunk And then it was just a clean talk at midnight. She was going to send them a really, really, really low-res picture of her half of her breasts. Yeah, thirst trap. So we open up... Oh, I have to point out a couple things about this opening, by the way. So the Warner Brothers logo, you better believe that turns into a fucked up low-res image.

Well, it's on like a weird desktop. Like, we're making the movie on our... And then it pairs back and fucking Neo is sitting there at work. Can't believe I bootle. like this. This movie is terrible. Morpheus, are you shop, girl? No, that's me, you fucking pieces of shit. Leo, they're coming for you. The FBI is here.

What if I told you that we could talk about our penises and vaginas on the internet? I'd say, sign me up. Username Thirst Trap. oh but then so when it comes when the title card comes up this is what was weird and I was like did I accidentally rent some like fan edit parody like you know those fake

trailers are like you could easily edit this into like a fucking creep fest thing because did you notice it just the screen goes to black and then in blood red text it just says you've got mail I was like that's from like copycat it was the same font

yeah it was really weird but you know what that bring this all to together kind of Warner Brothers wanted to be in the internet business because they did come out with the Matrix the next year. So like some fucking, the head of Warner Brothers came in and threw a fucking piece of, through a whole script at North Airfare. I was like, make it about the fucking internet. We're only about the internet now. They are only about the internet now because the website for this movie from 1998 is still online. I was on it today. Space Jam's got

a beat, dude. Yeah, that's true. But you could read all their emails from the movie in this website. Oh, that's pretty cool. So you like hack their, But her emails, but Shopgirl's emails? The way Shopgirl handled that classified info from NY152 was irresponsibility. So yeah, Meg Ryan is Shop Girl and... Which makes sense. She's a woman who owns a bookstore. And then Tom Hanks is NY152 because he's the 152 person in New York to get the internet.

That's how that worked. He was actually 152. It's kind of surprising that he got that. It is because he lives at 152 Rivers. which is ridiculous which is like oh my screen name oh yeah it's my my address yeah no bad move 152 riverside drive apartment b5 at aOL dot com key under the dormant at aOL dot com is anyone's chat rooms it just says murder me over and over again here's a question really quickly because i have a definitive answer for this is anyone's uh are anyone's parents still using a

well. No. We got some Yahoo's. I think I've got a hotmail on my hands. My father is still using an America online email. I can't even fucking tell you. So is he still dialing in? No, you can't dial in anymore. What are you crazy? I don't know. You might be able to. No, it's a weird. Their interface is like you log in, it's basically just like a web interface. Like you log into AOL through a web breath. Because what are you still using the disks?

I got all these minutes I got to use. Dude, we had those minutes. I mean, we had minutes for days. Minutes, four days. We'd throw them at each other. Of course. As long as he's not binging, I think it's fine. I do think, oh, no, my father does not bing.

Before we get into the meat of the film, I do think that this is a particular episode where we should call out Eric's favorite catchphrase, which is, it's okay to like a movie. It absolutely is. And some of us in this room might like this movie. You never know. You know what?

Stick around to the end and find that. It's not me. So, yeah, we open up... We know, you crotchety fuck. We're sending each other emails and we're like kind of New York is waking up because this movie is Grandin's Gope.

Oh, it is, man. And you know, I am a sucker for a good New York waking up montage. Sure. I love this town, man. The other day I fucking stepped in shit and I was like, I still love New York. It was horse shit near Central Park.

Couldn't even believe it. Those horses should be free. Did you yell de Blasio, you son of a bitch you said no more I just screamed fuck you Liam Neeson but I like New York movies that more reflect like my experience in the city

much like panic room not this where it's just fucking two pretty rich well one pretty rich person and another fucking wealthy as fuck like Coke brother level I agree with Chris I mean the New York movies that wore my heart are like good time

yeah that's true actually I just watched Do I know that guy? I was like that fucking dude at the end of good time falls out the window I was like I think I've seen that dude at my old bodega

or the big fat guy that comes and like invisibly makes the gun motion because he's going to get a gun I'm like oh I totally bought weed from that dude here's one that I just saw today the new fucking Lynn Ramsey movie with Joaquin Phoenix you were never really here

I think it's called first of all great movie second of all and it's a sequel to I'm not here I'm not here or there? No, what was that doc he did? What he did? I'm still here. I'm still here, right.

I wish he was. Well, he's got a similar haircut and beard, actually, but we'll all appreciate this in this room. A large portion of that movie filmed on location in Astoria. Oh, that's Queens. Yeah. Where this all began. Yeah, I mean, like, I kind of agree with the other guys.

Like, I'm, there's like, these are doormen rich New York, which I don't really have an affinity toward. I've never, like, even had an interaction with a doorman. Like, no, there are people to be ignored. No, no, no. No, I know what you mean. You've never walked into a building with a door man. Yeah.

I mean, I think I visited someone once, but it wasn't like a thing. It's just like, it's such an alien concept to me. It's very weird. Office building or residential. When someone's at a desk, I start freaking out. Yeah, it's a little bit, yeah. So this movie is Meg Ryan owns the shop around the corner, which is a nod to the movie. What?

Shop around the corner. Holy shit. I almost fucking shit my pants. And speaking of quaint technology, the panic we had is the big box bookstore, which is like a Barnes & Noble, which did eat up a lot of bookstores in its own day. Fox books. Fox books. Rupert Murdoch's Tenticle Arms. Oh, I thought it was a reference to the fox and the hound, which this is also a remake.

No, those people have never read books on these chains, dude. They're not well-read enough for clever gags like that. The family name is Fox. He's Joe fucking Fox. Joe Fox. Now, what is the fox in the hand? Is that the one where, like, the frog wears a fancy driver's out there? It's a Disney movie. What is everybody talking about? I have no idea. Dude, you're talking about the wind and the willows.

Are you fucking kidding me? There's a frog in a hat, and it's not a fucking frog. It's a toad. The man's name is Mr. Toad. What's the one with the great mouse that's also a detective? The title is the thing. Wait, the wind and the willows. I'm supposed to remember that. from a toad.

But where would a frog and a hat fit into a fox or a hound? I thought maybe he was the chauffeur. Right this way, Mr. Fox. In defensive Eric, there is that Frog 007 movie where he does wear a cap. I do actually, now I'm thinking, what if this was a better movie? It's Lucius Fox's Book Company. Yes. And it's Morgan Freeman in the Dabney Coleman role.

You get your Dave Chappelle, get him, make him the sexy guy. That would be something. That would be something. I'd watch that movie. He certainly, by the way, Dave Chappelle in this movie looks so much better than Tom Hanks

with his doughy rectangle head. What is that? I'll tell you what. I think this is the last movie where Tom Hanks kind of looks like young Tom Hanks. He's pushing it.

You can see the doification happening, of course. But compared to now, man, he still has that long face and the hair is still just a titch on the fro side. Yeah. He's got the racerhead.

Yeah, he's got the Jack Nance. Give me the Jack Nance, said Tom Hanks to the barber. Is that being beaten to death in a donut shop? Wait, is that how he went? Yeah. Oh, that's sad. There was something about a prostitute also. That man led a hard life.

Oh, Jack Nance died as he lived, man. Rocking and rolling, fucking, and suck until the sun came up. Wrapped in plastic. Yeah, the city wakes up, and so do we. where we get this kind of very flirtatious, where, you know, you're the best part of my day kind of a thing. They're having what we call an emotional affair, which is which Beverly Hills 902 and O'NO will tell you

is the most dangerous kind of affair. Why is that, Steve? Because of, you know. What? Because it's more than just talking about your penis is a vagina. Oh, I see. Well, because they're like getting involved but not getting involved because, and then the difference is, by the, this isn't like when fucking scuzzy people, like, cheat on their wives on, you know, via Facebook or something.

Sure. They don't know who each other is. Yeah, they don't have pictures because, I mean, technology wasn't there yet. But also, she doesn't want it. No, she's very specific about wanting to keep it the way it is. This is back when everyone was a catfish. That's the thing, man, eventually in this movie, he turns to catfishing. and I think he might be

this character, Joe Fox, played by the great Tom Hanks, might be Cinema's first cat fisherman. Oh my God, Patient Zero. Oh, I thought you're going to say Cinema's greatest monster. Well, that's up there. He gets pretty creepy this is fucked up, this movie, man. It's him in the Red Skull, kind of.

It's the Upper West Side. She has a very cute little children's bookstore, which is actually based on something called Wonder Books, which still exists down in 14th Street. That's kind of the weird thing. It's like we're talking about oh my God, the books, where are the bookstores going to go? Most of the little independent bookstores actually survived and now they're kind of coming back.

But now it's just Amazon just runs our souls. Like, you know what I mean? Like we're worried about Barnes & Noble because we need like actual jobs in this country as opposed to Jeff Bezos's fucking head buffer. Head buffer. Yeah, dude, that guy's got a shiny dome, man. Yeah, it's kind of interesting.

I was trying to look up which one I wanted to plug and I can't find it here. But my wife and I were at a fucking. amazing bookstore on the Upper West Side, funny enough, a couple weekends back. And I was like, fuck, this is refreshing. It was just so awesome being, I mean, I was in the bookstore at the New York Public Library the other day, sort of the same thing, but not really. The Strand still exists down on 14th Street.

The Strand is still around. Yeah, that dude just died the other day. He did. I mean, I think they own that building, so that's going to, hopefully they don't sell it, because they can get a trillion dollars that they sold that building. The thing about the strand is don't go to the strand if you know the thing that you want to buy. Yes, exactly.

Because good fucking luck. It's a great browsing thing. You kill some time. You know, if you for some reason have to slum it at that fucking Union Square movie theater that's terrible. Word bookstore in Jersey City and Brooklyn, by the way, great little chain there. I mean, but that's the quaint bookstore survived this kind of big, big box push. You know what I mean?

Because it's a different experience, obviously. It is. I mean, but like a lot of them were worked out. But now it's amazing because, like, like, you know, Like, you know, I'm thinking about there was a huge Barnes & Noble where, like, that century 21 is on the Upper West Side. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's long gone. Long gone. The one that is kind of in the area where this movie takes place where, like, the Fox Books would sort of be, is still there.

I've used that bathroom plenty of times. Oh, sure, man. You can get in trouble in those bathrooms. Wait, what? No, it's just... Hold on a second. What are you doing in there? It's a gross scenario.

Like, you're always... You tap and toes? No. Are you luring people? No, because somebody might be sleeping in there. Exactly. Someone's sleeping. Everything's wet.

It's not a good story. From you? No. Are you sure? So, oh, by the way, it's called the book culture on Columbus Avenue. Oh, that place. Oh, yeah. Great.

So anyway, yeah, this movie, we're talking about bookstores like a bunch of nerds. She runs a small children's bookstore specifically. And I don't know the woman who her, like, number two is, but you know Clinton is an office. because Steve Zahn is in this movie. The other woman... That guy, that guy is the, he's the secretary of making me smile. Oh, fuck, look at that. Steve Zon's got a haircut, looks just like my little bro, Rudge!

I thought you were going to say you knew was the Clinton era because John Randolph is still alive. Wow, also that. The woman who's the number two at the store played Zach Alphenakis's lady friend on a board to death. Oh, okay. She's a very funny actor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Edith Bunker is in this? I'll tell you what, there's a scene in this movie. It's like during the Christmas montage, they fucking very smartly place her at a piano man. I kind of got a little emotional. Oh, yeah. Edith back fucking tickling the Ivories, dude.

Did you guys not watch all the family? TV Land Classic in my house. Hold on a second. Am I 57 years old? Yes. TV. Well, then I did. I know, I did. I watched it.

Don't get mad at me. Actually, dude, you don't get mad at me. We're going to have to wrap this cabinet meeting all the family's on in 20 minutes. Oh, fuck. What's meathead going to get it to do this week? Oh, boy. Oh, shit. What if we relaunched all the family and Steve Zod was Meathead?

Yeah, we could just replace Vietnam with the Gulf War, baby. Lewinsky. had the stained dress yes dude that's how we're going and the star was awfully mad those were the days and then a saxophone solo happens this could have happened

this definitely could have happened now this version I'd watch so where are we New York is woken up for the 19th time we're really trying to talk about this movie fuck no I mean look so she's got her she's got her crew Tom Hanks' number two

is actually Dave Chappelle before he started badmassing trans people and everybody liked him I got news for you buddy he badmouths trans people and a lot of people still like him Yeah that's not that's not all right But he has any of them specials

Those bits fucking hit like a third He's just so proud of it too It's so weird Shut the fuck up already Supposedly though Catman did you see the new ones though There's like two new ones I saw one and I heard the trans jokes

and I didn't watch it anymore. No, but that's from the first two new ones. Yeah, there's two new new ones. No, I haven't watched the two new new ones. Because apparently he addresses the fuck up or something. I don't know. I couldn't be bothered. Is it the Netflix special more hate to sell?

I don't know, but he was kind of funny on the Grammys. Explain the hate. But yeah, I mean, this is back in a rosier day for Dave Chappelle. Also, by the way, making me almost come to tears during this opening montage, you used of the cranberries. Oh, right. Too soon. Too soon.

I was fucking blind. blindsided dude. Too soon. 1998. Too soon. So everyone will eventually die so nothing should ever happen. So I agree with that actually. Tom Hanks is a little rich boy. He's Jared Kushner type. Because dad owns the company.

Dabney Coleman and then granddad John Randolph is there. John Randolph, of course, from Mr. Costanza. Yes, the original Mr. Costanza. And he's also fucking Clark Griswold Senior. Yes, he is. And they're like, the father of failed sons. And they are like,

they're like jerking off to this business that they just closed. Like, oh, fucking whatever this is, that old fucking bookstore just closed. Oh yeah, totally. He's like, hey, grandpa, we just closed another one. You called leather, you can close that bookstore.

You can close the bookstore the best. Papa Fox, you get to sledge. Oh my god, yes. Yes. It's it's them and they're just leather face in the room. It's fucking John Randolph beating a grad student cashier to death with a ball peen hammer. It gets Christmas seen a house force. I love

capitalism. That's pretty much it. This is the true capitalism a love story. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. So like, you know, basically the story is he's opening this store. It's more than likely going to close her store. Uh-oh, it's a problem, but they're also in love because they're both, by the way, cheating on their very good spouses. Like, you've got, uh, Meg Ryan is paired with a very fuckable Greg Kinnear. Can we just quick, quick, uh, yes. I'm, I'm not going to counter that.

A fucking 1998 Greg Kinnear, where do I sign that? I will one up that. Uh, no, what I want to clarify, neither of them are married to these people. That's true. What you say in spouses. Or either of them are married. Partners or boyfriend girlfriend. Meg Ryan and Greg Kinnear, the fuckable Greg Kinnear, do not even live together. I do want to mention I would also fuck Greg Kinne. This just in from the news desk. Turns out I'll fuck him.

I'm handed something here. It says I will fuck Greg Kinnear. But I want to say it's too late. Not now. Back then. Hang on a second though. How far could it go? Because fucking you've got male Greg Kinnear, sure.

Are you fucking auto-focus, Greg Kinnear? Because Willem Defoe wanted to. I got to say, Andrew, that I think 1999 is as good as it gets. Oh, man, I will be outside. I'd still do it in autofocus. Oh, yeah, dude. No one's going to the rake, though, right? Oh, no, that's too far.

And nobody watched that show. Chris Gavin can Wilm-Defo watch. Or beat him to death with a lamp. I love that movie. That's like my favorite Paul Schrader movie. And he's, like you said, he's the writer for The Observer. And we've also got Parker Posey fucking the prime time knocking out of the park in every role, Parker Posey, which she does in this movie as well.

Absolutely. She's a fellow purchase alum with us. Same college. I'm just letting people know what purchase means. Hey, you know what? Pretty cool. Yeah, she's Tom Hanks' whatever, girlfriend. And like, I mean, this is the weird thing about romantic comedy.

It's like, if you watched only romantic comedies, you would always be cheating on whoever you're with, whatever infatuation you have, because romantic comedies tell you to do. It's like, well, it's... Well, you're just doing whatever movies tell you to do. Because it's like, oh, you know, the next thing is right around the corner.

Like, my real, my true love is this new girl that I'm infatuated with. Oh, yeah, I've been committed for this long, and then you kind of just keep going on and on. Yeah, and so I don't want to hold this up on this, but can anyone quickly think off the top of their head a rom-com in where, like, the both people are single? I'm sure they're there.

Yeah, it's always somebody being like, oh, I'm in the wrong fucking relationship with this asshole. And the other guy's like, hey, what did I do? I guess it's like, if you go down to, like, teen shit, like, a she's all that kind of thing. Like, there's- Would you count before sunset as a rom-com? Oh, well, wait. The first one, I'm sorry, the first one. Yeah, before sunrise.

No, not at all. Oh, that's just, that's just a classic film. I mean, it's, I think it's some funny moments. funny and it's romantic, so I always just... Isn't he single and sleepless as the adult, at least? I think she's got... I haven't seen that in a long time. I don't remember. He's dating someone slightly

when they meet. Yeah, fuck that lady. Yeah. Well, that's what the son tells him to do, and he does everything the son tells him to do, so what the fuck? Yeah, so they're having this emotional affair, and oh my God, this business is coming in, and like, this movie takes... This movie has, like, 41 acts. It's like the... It's got more... Back to the apostles, man.

It's fucking two hours, man. I couldn't even believe it. And it's not plot heavy. It's just a lot of scenes of like we're getting to know everybody a little bit. It's a new range I'd like to introduce. It's not longer than Star Wars. But it is longer than Raiders of the Lost Star. A globe-trotting adventure through history versus fucking an online relationship.

You know what? Absolutely right. And that arc changed... It's a chat room, Marion. Don't look at it. That arc changes hands a lot in that movie, too. I'll tell you that much. Marriott he wants to cyber.

Don't look at it. Lock off. He rides a submarine in that movie. Anyway. God damn, this fucking movie. So, yeah, I mean, like, what we do find out, the first time they actually moved. beat IRL is

there's this weird thing where like Dabney Coleman who's Hank's his dad who's probably nine years older than him anyway I didn't do that man no actually yeah I was I forget how famously old Dabney Coleman is I Dapney Coleman's one of those dudes and of course now get ready to curse him but I'm always

like fuck he's still around yeah so now he just dropped dead the second I said that I thought that was going to happen right after boardwalk empire Oh yeah dude yeah when he was on boardwalk Empire I was like is that no it He got rid of the mustache, though, right? Yes.

That's what made a mage, yeah. Yeah, I mean, plus he was, like, dying that with fucking, I don't even know what. It was like Samson with that hair. Yes. You get rid of it, you're fucking wither. Don't look at Damny Colbert's mustache, Marion. You know what my wife pointed out? It was actually a note that my father-in-law first made about this movie.

Oh. Is that it's totally weird bullshit that, like, this massive corporate. is also like a family business. Yes. Which is sort of weird. That's how they work. Like you would sell it off first. You know what I mean?

Like you probably would have been bought out by something. Like Damny Coleman is not like keeping it in the family. Well, yeah. It's Fox and Sons. Whereas like the Barnes & Noble's families fucking hate each other and they want to fucking kill each other. And the borders don't get even me started. I think the borders.

Well, no, the borders got buried in the fucking. Walden's. All the fucking Walden's books. In a Kansas desert by fucking their brother Dominic. John Borders was like, oh wait. Oh, no. And I was always a fucking Borders dude. Oh, yeah, man.

Fucking Barnes & Noble. No thanks. So they meet IRL because Dabney Coleman is marrying some other woman, which is a totally useless plot with this one. The hooker from American Psycho. Yes, you're totally right. Oh, my God. I needed to place this woman.

But he has like two younger kids, and like this weird thing where like you know he's obviously so old so like they're it's like tom hanks's aunt is like 11 years old and then somebody at warner brothers is like oh this is a great script uh nora this is fantastic does he ever does tom ever talk to a floppy-haired uh little boy yeah go rewrite it yeah go rewrite it write that write me in a fucking brown-haired floppy-haired little kid let me ask you so um you know i i have a headache now but um have you seen sleepless in seattle Do you know what he does for the entire movie? He talks to a kid.

No, no, floppy here. What did I just say? No, get this buzz cut out of my office. There's somewhere around here, you know, where Tom Hanks, after a day of celebrating, crushing a family business, such as the shop around the corner, is sitting at home, and I've never done this.

He's sitting at the counter, reading a book while chugging a Heineken? You've never done that? No. Well, Heineken, one, is one of the worst beers of all time. But two,

yeah, I'm not a big, like, I'm drinking and reading. Well, Steve is. I know, because you're like, text me, you're like, I'm at a bar reading a book, and I'm like, Jesus. What?

There's nothing wrong with that. Exactly. That's why I don't do it, so I don't get a Jesus. First of all, I'm not like just texting you asking for help. It's usually like, hey, man. They're playing a cool song or hey man.

Oh, fuck. I really hope Eric's not busy. I need help. You know what? Click like if you read and drink at the same time. I'm usually kind of jealous because it's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. I just don't.

My thing is he's standing at a counter while doing it, which is incredibly uncomfortable. Yeah, that's true. My whole thing is like I'm just so easily distracted when it comes to reading, I can't do that in public. And I'm so easily distracted when it comes to drinking.

Oh, what was that? My eighth beer, you say? But no, so he's like taken around his uncle and his aunt who were both like 10 and 10 years old or whatever, and they go to the shop around the corner, and they drag him in. He kind of knows that he's putting them out of business.

He feels a little bit bad, but he's also like, oh, I'm curious. Like, who am I crushing today? So he goes inside. He wants to see the white of the eyes of the enemy. And he starts giving Steve Zon shit about an ancient book. Like he's like, hey, take that book out. And Steve's like, yeah, man, sure.

And he takes it out. And he's like, how much does this cost? And he's like, well, it's the first edition. So it's like, $300. My God. How are you going to turn a profit? Yeah, it's illustrator. Like, he's like, these are like hand-drawn illustration from this famous artist.

Oh, okay. The artist who did these illustrations. as a very well-respected artist he killed a baby drained the blood out of its body and used that blood to help make the ink that made those drawings. The book is bound in human flesh

and written in blood. It's signed by Bruce Campbell. Then Dan Aykroyd comes out, yeah, Ray's a cult books. What do you want? Let me tell you something. Barnes & Noble fucking slaughtered Razakult books. Are you kidding me? Oh, absolutely. That's fucking St. Mark's Realist.

That should have been Ghostbusters 3. I don't believe that, actually, because I don't, I think fucking raise a cult will take a couple of books. Barnes & Noble says no, too. Oh, yeah, a couple of ones on a blacklist. You've got dozer. All right, yeah, over there, you got, you got human sacrifice. Over there, you got child pornography. What?

Back to the left. And in the back room, that's just all manifestos. Oh, yeah. Dude, the manifesto section takes up the majority of that bookstore. No, we do not have the Turner Diaries. does this look like Walmart? Milk toast. We do have an entire shelf

dedicated to Ruby Ridge, though. I also got a couple of paper back because of Charlotte's Web left. That'll haunt you. So, but no, he takes them in, he's giving this person shit. And then, like, he realizes not to tell Meg, he's kind of flirting with Meg Ryan

because it's, you know, 1998, Meg Ryan, what are you doing? The fucking son's up. Come on. It's a year before she gave up on life

and did proof of life. Well, she actually said famous about this movie was this is the last, this movie didn't challenge her at all and she was fucking tired of it. Kind of admirable,

but then her career went literally inside of a toilet. Yeah, but also like, you're fucking Meg Ryan, you don't have to do anything. That's true. Yeah.

But proof of life was, it was her and Russell Crow. Yeah, that's where she started her affair with Russell Crow. And I ended her marriage with Quaid. Yeah, that's a bummer. But now she's with, what's his face there?

Mellencamp. John Cougar Mellencamp. I almost said Bobcat Goldthly. No way. I'm mixing up my fucking cat name people. I don't have a Bobcat. Only Bobcat has that Bobcat. I love the idea that those two men could be confused for one another.

It was just the cats, man. A couple of cats Oh she's She's married to Liono Oh no no I get my cat to make stuff It's John Cougar Melanchamp The guy who's saying

Cherry Bomb Bobcat Goldwick That's it All right The point is she lives on a farm With John Cougar Melanchamp And you know that's some hot sex Real famous guy

Yeah he played Salem Nicat and Sabrina The Teenage Witch oh did all no so he's like flirting with her but he realizes that he shouldn't give her his last name even though fox is a totally like you know like a common last name it's fine

he doesn't give her his last name and like he's kind of lying to her later on they kind of meet up at this like Christmas party because this whole movie kind of sort of takes her place around Christmas yeah it's like it's very loosely a Christmas movie in September I could tell you that because I went through the emails.

Oh, shit. Because there's at the beginning. It's like, oh, don't you love, like, autumn in New York because it makes me want to buy... That's another bad New York movie. Makes me want to buy school supplies. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah. And he's like, if I knew...

And this is the creepiest line in the whole movie. He's like, if I knew your address, I would send you a jar full of sharpened pencils. Oh, right. Dude, that's the start of it. And, like, it's one of those things where... Oh, man, I'm wet right now. Yeah. If you're not paying attention, that line flies right by you.

Yes. But you fucking take a deep dive into this guy, man. There are some ulterior motives. Yeah. And he also said, I would love it, especially later in the summer. It's a Don Jr. He's basically Donald Trump Jr. or Kushner. Yes.

He's one of these in compoos. He's privileged. He's stupid. And he's looking for the next thing to jump on. He's not as dumb as Don Jr., though, so it's got to be a Jared. And actually floppy-haired boy is essentially barren. Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, right.

They also do a thing in this movie that I don't like, which is like when a rich person loses their home, they just go live on their boat that's docked on the house. It's just always there, fully stocked bar, multiple bedrooms or whatever on this yacht. Yeah. There's three, it's the Fox one, the Fox 2, and the Fox 3. three boats all next to each other. All these, so the grandpa, the dad, and Tom Hanks. They all sit in their boats at night and jerk off

thinking about all the fucking poor little independent bookstores they shut down. And I'm almost certain that all the halls are full of cocaine. Oh, guaranteed, dude. It's not just a book fortune. This is towards the end of the movie, but like, Damny Coleman comes out of this, like, you know, this limousine. He's like,

ha, another one left me. But I think he's killing these women, right? Like, that's kind of have to be he states though and this is an interesting little detail that's not explored he says that his wife who's like 25 yeah left him for the nanny who is indeed a woman and it's a weird like go go go go go go go go gay it's the late 90s and the word lesbian was a punchline watch watch friends it's just like people sitting around and then somebody says lesbian and the fucking audience cannot fucking keep their mouth closed they're like laughing so hard.

Yeah. Well, gay too, man. Friends is all about that. Like, it's a totally fine show, but then every fucking

so often a gay person's a punchline. There's an annoying thing. So, like, he's hanging out with these little kids and he takes him to the boat and he does this like, all right,

kids, like turn to the river and say, hello, New Jersey. And I was like, nobody wants to say hi to Jersey. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's a piss on New Jersey.

Yeah, it's like, hey, little kid, fucking piss on that river. Maybe something that'll touch Jersey. Don't piss in the river No It's got enough

So they go to a Christmas party Oh right Him and Parker Posey And Meg Ryan And the incredibly fuckable Greg Kinnear Go to a Christmas party That's an Amazon show

I think by the way Isn't that that Kevin Bacon show I love dick Where everyone's trying to I thought it was more of like an Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt type thing Well it's like the marvelous Mrs. Mason man

The incredibly fuckable Greg Camier Spin off there's a thing an obnoxious Greg Gineer trait in this movie though where he's fucking pontificating about how amazing it is to use typewriters still

these people bother me and I'm roping Tom Hanks into this because he wrote that book of short stories and the gag was or the you know not the gag but the gimmick rather was like all of this was originally transcribed on a typewriter

from Hanks's noodle to a typewriter who gives a fuck there's a reason computers are better than typewriters and why we use computers more than death right he's essentially a liberal David Brooks his first lines in this is that there's going

some state like they had to fire a bunch of people because they were playing solitaire on their phones well because he's a total on their phones on their computers I'm sorry we're not playing anything on our phones yeah exactly the phones on the table we don't even have a phone no yeah because he's

He's a total Luddite, right? So he loves fucking typewriters. And yeah, his whole thing is like, see, we had to lay off all these people at the state because they were just playing fucking mind sweeper the whole day. But this is like, you know, you get like an older, out of touch, you know, person like your parents or whatever.

Gregineer's like 32 in this movie. Yeah, but it's a new thing. And they're like, well, you know, I'm fine with my flip phone or whatever. You know, like they don't want to jump on. You cannot be scared of all technology because you will fucking die in the cold. And Greg Gineer says it's going to be the end

of Western civilization because some people played solitaire. Is he, is he wrong? Yeah, exactly. We have a president who uses the technology. Yeah. Oh, so then, yeah, that just makes it. Well, nobody could fucking foresee that cock coming.

Yeah, come on. I'm opening Trump books. It's where Trump books, come on down. We burn books. It's my family business. We burn books now. Except for the Turner Diaries. And mine comph.

Oh, my God. What a read. Yeah, we read books and stuff. of burning them. That's what are my favorite lines of that movie. You know what's obnoxious is how no one in this movie

is pointing out that for all the fucking bitching about Fox and Sun's books. Nobody has a problem fucking ski-daddling into Starbucks every morning. Oh absolutely. All of the coffee shops

that are being shuttered day in and day out. Totally. Well, that's the weird thing about this movie is like nobody has like it's really just because Meg Ryan likes her bookstore. You know what I mean?

Like, that's the only thing. It's not about actually the ethics of like what it is to be to close down another store. It's just like, but it's Meg Ryan's. Yeah. Well, it's not really about how like the business works even. Like that's what the original movie kind of is about is about how the shop and the rounder corner works. And like, and they meet each other in there. You know what I think the problem is though in this scenario?

It's the fact. And this is something that she should have entertained and did not in the face. film, it's solely a children's bookstore. Why don't we get some fucking fiction for older audiences in there? See what's going on. You got a couple of spell books?

Got a whole lot of a cult shit I can load off on you. It's got to go somewhere. Dr. Strange comes in through the portal to take a book. I just got a lot of books on the slender man. Got a cut down. Inventory. Meg Ryan, I've come to bargain.

he's come for the bargain two for five well it's also like this is happening right at like the disnifying of New York City like it's all about just like yeah New York City is going to turn to a corporate fucking zone exactly but you know what they

did not predict and it's a fucking it's a hilarious look back on it now line is when they're like they're pretty certain that you know it's just a matter it's not an if but a when this bookstore goes out of business and so Steve's on is you know, deep derping all through this movie, being Steve's on.

That guy cracks me up. He's so fucking funny. I'm talking like Jerry Lewis hilarious. Dad, can we watch something other than Happy Texas tonight? Nope. We could watch that thing you do. Oh, man, he broke his arm falling over a parking meter. I thought I got rid of that.

Watch him hit his nuts right on that parking meter. Chelsea, oh, I'm going to rewind it. Boom, there it goes again. Boop, there goes his nuts. I'm going to go smoke one. No, I'm sorry. So there's a line where they're talking about like, oh, I'm going to be out of a job. The bookstore is going out of business.

And then I don't remember if it's the woman from bored to death or if Steve Zon, but one of them goes, oh, geez. And then you know what's going to happen? I'm going to have to move to Brooklyn. I was like, oh, fucking you wait. Yeah, no, that's the woman that says that. And then Steve Zon's like, yeah, I got a rent control department, which is just this luck for you fuck face. fantasy fed to me by i don't even know who it's a fantasy that's fed to you all through the 10 seasons of friends exactly that whole thing is like monica like pretends that her grandmother still lives

there or whatever yeah fuck that that shit is fake it's fucking fake yep it's totally and let me tell you something if if you're looking to move to this town don't one don't there's enough of us here two if you are you're insisting on doing this if you're looking on like craigslist for a place and it's like, yeah, Greenpoint Brooklyn, rent stabilized, you will be murdered. Yes, exactly. It doesn't exist in this town anymore. That's what I love about Seinfeld is that they actually, when it is rent control, they're like, oh, when Elaine has to like bargain to get the rent control.

When Mania dies and she's asking the widower about what he's doing with the apartment because he's moving to Arizona. By the way, bit part in this movie, Toby, who loses her pinky toe. Yes. you're totally right you know who's cut out of this movie Michael Palin for no reason how do you cut out Michael Palin from a movie he was like an author that was like in it

with Meg Ryan and all this stuff kind of the same character as Toby but probably bigger yeah oh right I did read that on the Tribune yeah what a fucking mistake well longer than Ra was like yeah it's longer than Raiders of the Lost Dark I don't want to go longer than Star Wars so Michael I'm sorry it's a sweet spot

So they're having this Christmas party by the way And there's one thing I did want to point out Because it seemed kind of weird It's a it's a Christmas party for the literati Of New York City Right so like Joe Fox and friends are there With Joe Fox and family I guess I should say Meg Ryan is there

Not a bunch of racist fucking jerk off No no not those fucking pigs that are on every morning And then you know so it's all these like literature people I think Parker Posey is also someone who's a literati She either runs a company that runs a publishing company Or it's like a big wig at a publishing company Yeah, because she wants to hire Meg Ryan at the end That's right. So there's all these like literature people

At this party and it's like past apps You know like past apps are going around Everyone's just having a cocktail or two There's this shot, you guys notice this? There's one shot where it's like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks Are talking to each other at this party And in the background this woman walks up to a table With a fucking whole cooked chicken

No what? No That's this cook chicken down on the table. Like, and now the chicken course. What? It's just this beautifully based of baked chicken. Oh, don't worry. We'll have 58 more of these coming out. It's all finger food.

This is proving to you that the chemistry between Hanks and Ryan is so magnetic and you're disfixated on it. They're putting in fucking crazy shit in the background to prove that you didn't see it because you were watching the story. I was. I couldn't take my eyes off these two. I know. I think they have great chemistry, dude, at all three movies that they've been in together.

I haven't seen Joe versus the volcano on a very long time. That is a wild fucking movie, man. You remember, she plays three characters. Is she really? What? She plays three people in the movies. Yeah. Wow.

And one has like a Catherine Hepburn. It's fucking nuts. I'm sure the race stuff in Joe versus the volcano doesn't age terribly. Do you know who are the two main island dwellers? No. Nathan Lane. What? And Abe Fagoda.

Well, that's all you need to know. Oh my God. Wait, I didn't know it was the descendants. That was literally, though, what happened when I told my wife, I was like, so we're doing you've got mail. And she was like, you're a fucking idiot. Don't you mean Joe versus the volcano? It might be a stay tuned. So it might be a stay tuned.

Yeah, it might very well be. So she finds out that he's Joe Fox. She feels kind of betrayed by this. She's like, oh, you didn't tell him. He's like, well, you didn't ask. And like, he starts, like, man. The fucking Godfather to anyone who will listen. All right.

And this has to be addressed right now. And for anyone out there who finds themselves in this situation, please listen closely. There is nothing more pathetic than a dude who is obsessed with the Godfather and who is obsessively quoting it. It is one of the dumbest things you as a human being can do. It's fine to be a total fan of the Godfather. Oh, sure. But if you're one of these motherfuckers that walks around, like let's say you walk into an Italian bakery. And in this bakery, you see a bar.

of canollies, right? And then you see that and you cannot help yourself but say drop the gun, take the canollies. Yeah. He's got a gun! It has to stop. This is madness. It's a bunch of fucking pricks. That's the problem. It's all a bunch

of white people, not Italians that quote the Godfather that way. And it's the only movie they've seen. It's the only movie they've seen. And you know what? And everyone around them has definitely never seen it. which warrants a fucking play-by-play

of a three-hour film. Oh my God, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. Okay, they might have already seen, also seen Goodfellas. Yes. Oh, no, it's kind of a two-hander. Goodfellas is the next one. That's like the Gen X of the Godfather.

Yes, you're totally right. To be fair, we reference Goodfellows an awful lot on this show. We do, because what I'm saying is, it's already inside of you. We are becoming those people, but for Goodfellas. I'm just saying, we got to pump the brakes. But it's weird, though, because I think we maybe do, like, two lines from that film. Tom Hanks is dropping shit.

I don't even think it's a problem about quoting a movie or quoting, you know, because I go with the Simpsons all the time, et cetera. But it's about being like, hey, man, you know what that's from? And then the guy's like, what? And it's like the godfather. Like, yeah, I know. Like, you know, it's the showmanship of it all. But it's like he's saying, no, that's Plato or that's Socrates. It's some grand truth from the fucking godfather.

Basically the next move of the movie is she as a shopgirl goes to her friend, NY152, and's like, oh, this guy's trying to run me out of business. And he's like, again, to Andrew's point, kind of creepy, like, what's your business? Yeah, what do you do for a living? And she's like, no, no, no. How do you make your money? Keep it vague. And then he's like, well, it doesn't matter what you do because I am a brilliant businessman.

And I know, Al, here is some solid business advice. Okay. Why don't you fight back. And you know what? Keep doing stuff. And how about? And Eric. I'll have a great business.

Question the first. Is your father rich? What? Yeah, step one. Have your family be retroactively rich for all time. One thing we've learned from our current president, everybody who says they're a brilliant businessman is definitely a brilliant business man. That's very true.

So he's like, oh, you know, then this reminds me of the godfather. And everything in life can be solved by the godfather. Yes. And that's terrible. And I just realized another thing that always accompanies this shit, which is even more fucking sacrilegious, is they're quoting these things. And they're saying shit like fucking, you know, drop the gun, take the canollies, whatever the fuck. Go to the mattresses. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.

Inevitably. And it sort of happens here. I don't know if he does it exactly is what I'm about to say. but I've heard other people do this. Whenever you're talking about any dialogue from the Godfather, it can be something fucking K. Adams is saying. It devolves into someone doing a terrible Marlon Brando impression. Oh, yeah.

And he's doing it in this movie, but I don't know if he's using other actors' lines in a Brando voice, but I've seen this happen in person, and you're like, what are you doing? What are you fucking doing? You know what you should do is if you're, it's like, you know, I get out of the bathroom, right? And then Chris is about to use it.

I mean, I'm with you, sover. And Andrew knows what I just did in the bathroom. And it's going to stink in there. What he should yell out as, Apollonia, no! What? Just have a lot of... Apollonia, no.

Because I'm about to go into a car and... Yeah, there's other lines you can do from the Godfather. Hey, Steve, just took a shit in there. That was a classic line. That might have been there. A pagoda is. said that one. Hey, can you help me out? And Steve took a shit in there.

But that's what... Let me off the shit hook for one last, for old time's sake. Don't make me go in there. Can I use your guest bathroom, please, for old time's sake? Abe Bogota being reticent about using a bathroom, someone just blew up.

Michael, Michael, please don't make me go in there. One time I went to the bathroom right after Steve and the window was bricked up. But like, You get these people, and it's like, yeah, here they got good Italian food in this West show. I'm like, that's the fucking Irish police commissioner, you fucking moron. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. It's just like Marlon Brando said that whole movie to these people.

It's fucking infuriating. So she likes, he's like, oh, you have to like play dirty. You know, you got to go to the mattresses. Yeah. And she's like, well, that's pretty stupid. What does that mean? And then he just, he just explains it. He explains the whole.

Ask your boyfriend to write an article about your story. Yeah, that's a fucking big fucking thing she does. What I mean by Go to the Mattresses is we're going to have cyber sex right now. Why aren't? Dude, he's got his pants off when he's writing all these emails. Oh, absolutely. I'm convinced of it. He at one point to Dave Chappelle later in the movie calls her,

and this is the creepiest line I've ever heard any human being saying, the most adorable creature I've ever interacted with in my entire life. Blah! my skin just crawled away. Oh man, there's a skeleton joining us on the couch. If you want to sabotage your wedding, you're like, oh, fuck, how am I going to get out of this thing? You know what I mean? I'm in the middle of this thing.

In your vows, when, like, you get up on, you get there, like, I'll write my own vows, and you can't see it. You just say, honey, you're the most adorable creature I've ever interacted with in my life. You get the fuck out of my face. Well, those were good appetizers. Man, that cocktail hour was something. Or you can do the Chris's sexual harassment defense When you're getting married and say I gotta take a shit

Yes oh yeah every time Every time Just walk away Well even creeper than that I feel Is the line when they're about to meet And he's like Dave Chappelle's there He's like you know Dave Chappelle

If she's even mildly attractive I'd be out of my mind not to propose to her The first moment I met her Are you fucking nuts I don't know what's sadder That line of dialogue or the fact that Dave Chappelle's got to walk him to the date? Why is Dave Chappelle there? He's trying to like temper his emotions and not get him too excited.

He's like, you know, she could be a dog. Yeah. Well, the best. I'm like, Dave, is this your job, man? Like, are you on the clock right now? Because he's basically the manager of this one store, as I understand it. He's like the project manager. They're building this, you know, the renovating this Upper West Side building.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, he's basically like, all right, yeah, all these things are going to come in on time and whatever the fuck. Yeah. Oh, so what she starts doing is like basically a grassroots campaign. Like she gets Great Cornier to write a campaign, an article. She gets like people marching in the streets. Poor Gene Stapleton's leading these fucking protests or whatever. And like, you know, I mean, this is a thing that happens when like, you know, communities don't want certain chain stores.

You know, this kind of pushback happens. No, no blow up rat. Oh, that's what you're already fucked up. Yeah, when was the blow-up rat invented by the mafia? No, but when? I bet it dates back, man. Yeah, right? I bet it's like vaudeville.

The last thing Sacco invents that he saw before the fucking gallows gave up underneath their legs was an inflated rat. No, step on the pump. It's going to take a while. I don't know. By the way, in this, when he's escorted. squirted to his date by his project manager. He then, he, like, acts like he's not going to go in there because it's, it's whatever her name is.

Kathleen, Kelly. Kelly. I kept wanting to call her Kathleen Kennedy. Oh, no. No, it's not. Not the most powerful woman in Hollywood. That's right. Lucasfeld.

Yeah. So, uh, then he's like, oh, no, I can't do this. He, he leaves. So I feel it's to get Dave Chappelle away from there because he's going to do about, he's going to do a huge creep move. He acts like he's going to leave her alone And then he comes back I came back later

Yeah And then he acts like he's just going to this coffee shop Yeah oh yeah And he's like kind of teasing her a little bit It's a weird Where's your friend Where's your friend you're meeting Who I wonder

And this is where any defense Of the Tom Hanks character In this movie Is completely and permanently Exactly Now you want to toy with her For like five minutes you're still a weird asshole

but he just does it all night he keeps it up through Christmas he leaves he leaves he leaves this dude he has months of the upper hand again because I haven't seen this within a while I was like because it's like him and you know all this stuff happens to her story like she's kind of gaining and like she said some nasty stuff

about it so he doesn't like her right so then they go to this date and oh my god she's there you know Dave Chappelle leaves he goes in and like or he's about he doesn't know what he's going to do and I haven't seen this in a while and I'm like oh man is he just gonna ice her completely and not go in like that is the coldest shit i've ever seen and i was so wrong because this is so much worse like i think someone is bad i think someone's awful it's an awful thing to do you should not do but if he ices her and then the character like goes

home and he's like i just didn't know what to do i did not expect it to be this this person i have this like weird sure sure sure rivalry with how am i you know he's actually concerned about how am i going to break the news instead it's like let's fuck around with her his arc is to essentially demonize the best parts of himself. Yes. Like the things she really likes about the guy online, he's like undermining all of it. He's like, that guy sounds like a real loser. Doesn't sound like he's got money.

Well, he walks into this fucking cafe, and one of the first things he does is like, oh, you're reading Pride and Prejudice? What a fucking loser. Exactly. He's already read the book for her essentially at this point. They need to have a flashback of like John Randolph and Damny Coleman, like, putting cigarettes out on this kid like that's the only way to redeem him

one for pride and prejudice one for your fucking forum hey hey hey joey you see that little girl over there go ruin her life I'm gonna smack you once for every page in this book what this lord of the rings

we sell books we don't read them in this house other than the power broker okay and the art of war so yeah so he goes in and like he humiliates her for a long time she's like could you please and this is the first of many times she keeps saying can you please leave and he's like no i'm not no i'm here to quote the godfather some more which also he should be quoting mario puzzo or whatever yeah book right yes is that the author these these fucking pigish people that own these business is man they don't actually read these books dabney coleman's fucking thrown books

in a huge marble fireplace. They make this point a thousand times in the movie about how people who run big bookstores don't read, but people who have small bookstores do read. And I feel that's totally true. Sure, yeah, of course it's true. I don't know if that's true. Of course, if you get into the book business,

probably chances are you do read. I'm not saying they're good books. Tom Clancy's probably all over your house. Well, no, I'm saying like if you're some fucking suit who works at Barnes & Noble, your passion in life is not books and getting people to read

your passion in life is fucking capitalist nonsense and most of those people like those companies it's like all accountants it's all about the numbers you're all sales people you're concerned about

where you're going to put the fucking Starbucks and your huge Barnes & Noble so as it goes on he now he in this weird way like she she thinks

like she she's got jilted by this dude she wants to call it off, there's this kind of, one of the funny lines of this movie that made me laugh was when they, she thinks that he's this murderer, which is, oh, right. The rooftop killer who's called? She thinks that the dude she thinks she's meeting is the rooftop killer. NYC 152. She thinks that's, uh, because why else wouldn't he show up? And then he writes this bullshit, like, totally like wishy-washy, like, I can't tell you why I didn't show up, but trust me, I had a good reason. Man, this woman's a doormat. Like, it's just, you've got Greg Kinnear right there. Like, oh, this guy fucking. you know, stood me up, what a mistake that's a sign from the gods, I'm going to marry, delete, block message or whatever. You know what? Fucking message, NY

153 or whatever, you know? See what that person's up to. Move on, you know? Go into the Elf King chat room, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude. You started on the over 30 chat room, go to the over 35 chat room. It's right there.

Here's a question, though. Or the BDSM chat room. Figure it out, dude. You never know. Now, here's my question, though. In this cafe, scene where he's being a fucking maniac isn't this also the scene where she's like she's had enough and she like amazingly tells

him off. Yes. Oh boy does he get fucking filleted. Oh but I'm sorry he's been called a suit a hundred thousand times this month and that's her big fucking like buildup is like you're nothing

but a suit. No it's way more involved than calling him a suit. And in the 90s, suit was a big insult. Was it like a yuppie thing? Yeah. Oh, okay. She gets to this motherfucker's core, man. You can see it because he fucking gets up and just leaves.

Well, that's sort of what this movie's supposed to make you feel bad for Tom Hanks a little bit. It's like, oh, yeah, but she was really mean to him. I don't see it that way at all, dude. I see it as like, he's being a fucking cocked this whole movie and she's had enough. She's getting stood up by the fucking rooftop killer, first of all. And she fucking eats into this dude. and he fucking has to go away with his tail between his legs. I, as a viewer, and I felt this way every single time I've seen this movie.

Okay. I don't feel for him at all. I'm like, good. Fuck you, asshole. But she feels bad for what she says, because when she's talking to 152 afterwards, she's like, oh, you know, I took your advice. I was trying to assert myself. And I did it in the worst possible way.

The movie is communicating that you're supposed to feel bad. You know what, though? I'm a free thinger. Yeah, yes. I make my own decisions. I don't let movies tell me what's going on. I think I'm with Andrew here. You know what I'll say this.

Well, he does get his revenge because he essentially gives her Stockholm syndrome by the end of this. What I would love is if there's a deleted scene of Meg Ryan visiting the rooftop killer played by one Clint Howard. There you go. That's a fun scene.

That would be pretty cool. It's like, oh, wow, pretty lady. And then she starts dropping references to the emails and he just starts saying weird shit. And she's like, maybe he is him. Yes. Clint Howard's like, what's an email? Yeah, recycling's fake

So, I don't know Like, she winds up having to close her story Sort of the next movement of the film Yeah, I do say movement because there are no acts This film, things just sort of start to happen It's a blob, well, it's kind of a bowel movement She winds up like she ends up closing it And it's amazing because the story

It winds up being haunted the whole time Oh, dude, these ghosts What are we talking? She's watching her dead mother It's a one-off line to a customer. Yes. I think it's to him, actually. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To him, she's like, oh, this picture is me of me twirling with my mom in the store or something. Well, because he does the thing that you should never do to a shopkeep, which is like when you're checking out and you start talking to them about anything other than the transaction. And he's just like, oh, that picture back there. Is that your mother? I was like, what fucking business is it of yours? Absolutely. Next. Debit or credit, motherfucker, shut up.

I do have to stop the money. movie dead to this episode dead to talk about the most emblematic scene of why I hate this movie nice it's around thanksgiving because this movie takes six months to go and they're beating off on their computers they're at zabars a big department store a grocery store it's thanksgiving there are lines you know around the around the block we should say it's like it's a grocery store for like the fucking hoi poloie man yeah it's like a nice grocery store and she's in the front of this line we're getting ready to pay and they're like oh you're in the cash you're in the cash only line you can't use your card and she's like oh no is that and she looks up

and of course it's a big sign says cash on the can you let me slide and everyone behind her's like fuck you lady like and that's the absolute right move of course it is how dare you hold the grocery line in New York City because she's just and she's just like talking to this woman like but could you let me skate by just this once and the woman by the way is the woman from Gray's Anatomy oh yes she really uh Tony award winner who's now her name I cannot think of And she's having a terrible time because she works in a grocery store around Thanksgiving. That's for sure. On top of having to deal with this Meg Ryan, she then has to deal with Tom Hanks, condescending to her.

Oh, he white. Like she's a fucking baby. Like, hey, take this fucking credit card, you rub, and run it. Shove it up your ass. And then he might as well be throwing $100 bills in her face at this point. And the movie is supposed to be like, oh, why can't she just get off this? just this once. I'm like, get the fuck

to the back of the line. Sarah Ramirez, by the way, is the actress's name from Gray's and a couple of other things. This is like, I go to this nice bakery in Jersey City and every single time I go there, there's somebody holding up the line

who's like, who's never been in a bakery before. What kind of macaroons do you have? What is this? What is that? How do I use this? And I'm like, dude, just fucking figure. And I just want a cup of coffee. That metro car, when the tourists find the Metro car machine.

You will be there for fucking five years. You know this new development I don't like that's been going on in the like the bodega I get my coffee in every morning and by my office? Yeah. Fuck, I'm I always have cash because I'm buying a dollar cup of coffee.

Sure. And by the way, you don't have to be using credit cards at a bodega. Guess what man? They got square and everyone's taking advantage of it. People are using credit cards to buy a cup of coffee. Like what are you talking about. Yeah, bodega coffee especially.

It's like 125 and you're using a card? I also hate people who are fucking, let me scan my phone at Starbucks. Wait, let me figure it out. Let me get on there. I am the dude with Apple Pay, but if I see that it's not working, because sometimes it's just like not picking up the signal, I will immediately put the phone back in my pocket and get the card like in the same motion. I always am behind the last angry man with that shit.

You go to a coffee shop, you go to a grocery store. It's not your fun adventure and your cool little life. Thank you. People need to get through it the day. We just want to make it through the fucking day. Exactly. I just felt like I was behind Meg Ryan in this scene and I'm like, Lady, could you figure it out?

I got to tell you there's another equivalent to this that I almost, and I was proud of myself, I didn't scream at a person in public. Congratulations. Because there's a restaurant equivalent of this. We were at the Han Dynasty on the Upper West Side. Great place. Before we, oh yeah, great restaurant.

If you're listening, give me free food. Right before we saw the amazing Paddington, too, by the way. So we're sitting at the table, having a great dinner. And the table next to us, this person, like the waiter comes over, the person uttered just the thing I wanted to fucking throw water in their face. So what's good here? Oh. And so if that wasn't bad enough, so this poor fuck has to be like, oh, this is, and this dude,

I got to tell you this guy, A-plus performance. You want to talk about Marlon Brando. This dude was fucking doing it because there was not an ounce of condescension in anything he said. But she kept being like, oh, so, but what's that? Is this one spicy? What is this? Are there peanuts in this one? What's this thing?

And this dude through the, and this, we're talking like five minutes. This guy's probably had this every day. So he knows to every day put a thumbtack in his shoe so that when this is happening, he just pressed down on it. and think of the pain instead of this. That's it because I was getting furious, man. Oh, man. Oh, people who are tasting. I'm going to go to a bar.

Can I just have a little shot of that beer? Oh, that's another thing that I cannot stand. Dude, commit to the $6 and we'll get another beer afterwards. Have the, you want to try the beer? Then fucking drink the beer. Man, people are egregious with that. They're getting fucking drunk off of samples. Yeah.

So in this. very New York City neighborhood we were at a place getting brunch and this person was like trying all the wines and again and I'm over hearing the whole thing and I'm pulling what's left of my fucking hair out of my head

Oh yeah Just make a decision Like you said eat the six bucks You know what a great way to taste a beer is Fucking drink a beer How about that? It's not gonna kill you And you don't like it

Oh shit you just be like You know what put Chug it or whatever One time I was at a bar I ordered a fucking Sierra Nevada Bigfoot It was one of the single most disgusting beers I've ever had in my life. You know what I fucking did? I drank it.

Yes, that beer tasted like someone pissed in an ashtray, but I drank the whole thing. And then I got a beer after that beer that wasn't that beer. Well, because technically that beer is like a barley wine. That's not, yeah, it's not a great one. You know what else is fucked up? VCRs. Oh, man. Thank you for bringing it back.

Oh, my God. Because Greg Kinnear goes on Jane Adams' talk show. Oh, right. And they kind of flirt. Is it public access? I don't know. I guess. It could have been like an early New York One situation.

It looks like the same place where like fucking Bill Murray is doing his show at the beginning of Ghostbusters 2. World of the Psychic or whatever. It was where Eric Bogosian had a show on fucking Blade Trinity. Totally. And he's like kind of flirting with her and like Meg Ryan Adams. Ferting back hard by the way. She's pretty thirsty. The legendary Jane Adams.

She's fucking great. Oh yeah. And she's flirting back. And like he's complaining about what, you know, we're using all over. VCRs. Now, the reason we use VCRs is the tape what's on television when we're not around to watch it. But the reason we're not around to watch is we're living

our lives. Could you imagine that? Could you imagine that, ladies and gentlemen? Why don't you find a grave and fucking go in it? Wow! How about that shit? I kind of agree. That's great. The fuckable Greg Kinnear taken right to the grave by Chris Kavanaugh. So they wind up their relationship is sort of ending.

They go to the Lowe's on the 86th Street. No, this is the... That's what's interesting. The Lose 84th Street makes an appearance in this movie, but when they go to the movie later on, it's Lincoln Square down on 63rd and Brits. They're in Lincoln Square. It's a big balcony one.

And like, they're talking and they realize that they're not right for each other. They go to a cocktail bar to talk it over. And like this bullshit amicable breakup is only to make you think that Meg Ryan hasn't been cheating on her boyfriend the entire time. Is this cheating? It's not cheating,

but it's... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Steve said it was an emotional It's an emotional affair. The worst possible. I mean, I don't know what you guys are learning from this catfish show that you watch. Well, also, he's having Black Lives Matter this season. Oh, my Lord. Are they touching on Black Lives Matter? No, he's just wearing t-shirts

every time. Yeah, it's like, who? Max and Eve, man. The main dude. Max and Eve? They're the hosts. Max and Neve. Oh. There's hosts on that show? Yes. Jesus. They're the ones catfishing every year. It's like it's like, I'm glad you support the

but like it's really obnoxious this season because it's like they'll be like okay so a black person has a catfish problem they show up in black lives matter t-shirts yeah it's a little weird are they not wearing them if a not black person has it sometimes they wear ones that just say feminist it's it's a little much when it's a touch showy when i'm saying when they go to see uh white men do they just have a shirt that says coal on it no it's just fucking make america great again Oh, my God, that'd be amazing. A t-shirt for every catfish. You know what Zingie is getting preachy this season?

Well, they also even it out because fucking Greg Kinnear has been having an emotional affair with fucking Jane Adams. Oh, that's their, doing the fucking slow-mo. Meg Ryan's like, if you pause it right here, you can see the part where you get a boner on national television. Or at least citywide television. Is that a stain on your pillow? Oh, oh, oh. But it's kind of funny because, like, Jane. and Adams is like clearly flirting with him

and then he's like oh well maybe she's just a fan and then like he is hardcore flirting back with her and they wind up having that Seinfeldian breakup was like you know what I you know it's the best breakup in history where they're like you know yeah I don't like you either and they shake

hands like I hate you yeah well this has been fantastic what they do here too that's obnoxious is so they're having they're having the discussion during the the opening commercials or whatever. It's kind of a funny line because this woman shushes them. And

they're like, the fucking hot dog is dancing. We can talk right now. Which I totally support. You can talk through the hot dog. You can talk to the hot dog. You should probably whisper through their credits, but once the movie starts, we're not talking about. Yes, exactly. Whisper through trailers, too, I'm going to say. That's what I mean. The trailers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whisper through the trailers.

You can talk, but whisper through the trailers. But so they they realize that this is happening like right here in this movie theater, right? But then it cuts to the next location They're at this cafe But the first line of dialogue at the cafe Would have been the next line of dialogue

At the movie theater So it's movies and television do this all the time Where they realize like something has to be said And then everybody shuts the fuck up Until they move to a second location And then start the convo again Especially if you're in the middle of an emotional conversation like that You're breaking up with somebody

You know what I mean? That's going on the whole time You're doing that right out on fucking 63rd in Broadway man you're not waiting until a coffee shop? That's an escalator conversation. The fuck is going on right now. I couldn't even believe it, by the way. That movie theater has the same goddamn murals up as they did 20 years ago. Outrageous.

Well, their escalator conversation is about a birdie fucking Francisco Franco. Yeah. The man who killed 30,000 people. Right, the former head of state of Spain. Yes. Oh, right. Gene Stapleton had an affair with him. That was the idea.

That was a physical affair. Which actually, when you're dealing with a genocidal maniac is actually the most dangerous kind. Oh, the passion. What's that like, though? Presumably Gene Stapleton's character in this film didn't much share the politics of Franco. Sure.

So she's just down for the fucking. That's okay. But it was while he was doing it, so she was clearly okay with it. You shouldn't fuck bad people, right? That's the whole thing, right? Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. That's why they're It wouldn't give them pleasure, you know, unconditional pleasure and love to Franco. Oh, I see what their problem is. Tom Hanks and Parker Posey gets stuck in an elevator.

And I kind of wanted this to turn into that movie devil where someone in the elevator is the devil. And I got the perfect fall guy, man, Michael Bottolucco in this movie. Oh, whatever. Just that nice, fat, nice guy that was on a lot of ABC shows for a while. He was in a brother as well. Joe Fox is totally the devil in this situation. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, without question.

You can see the fucking horns coming out of Hanks' fro. You know what, I will say, both dogs in this film do get a credit. And I think that's a woman director thing. And, you know, I strong, that's why I strongly suggest women directors. Because they credit dogs properly. Oh, that's why. Not other things. But mostly crediting dogs.

You're just a dog supremacist. You don't actually care about women directors. You just want the dogs. Wait, which dogs, though? Tom Hanks has a dog. Where's the other dog? There's a dog in this. elevator scene that should not be credited in this film

does get a credit. That's why I'm saying. This is special care. This woman loves dogs. That's a dog extra dude. At best. So what you're saying is you only like the Catherine Bigelow movies with dogs in them. Dude, remember that lovable hound in the Zero Dark 30?

Biting that guy's dick? No. That doesn't happen. Deleted scene, man. You never know. You could imagine what it would be like if they did that. I hear you're very good at finding the newspaper. I hear you have quite a flare for it. So, yeah, then like...

Zero Dog 30. Of course, it was right there in front of our snouts the whole time. Bet you could snatch some dick and balls. It's literally, it's Rover Dangerfield, but to the plot of Zero Dark 30. Oh, dude, if Rover Dangerfield, that's a sequel, Rover Dangerfield 2, CIA Adventure. Have you ever smeared peanut butter? It takes place to the setting of Abu Ghraib. What was that place called?

What was that prison? Abu Ghraib. Abu Ghraib, man. Of course. It's a hot destination for a while. We did a lot of atrocities there. So, and still do. So then they start kind of just dating.

Well, they break up. Her store closes down. Yes. He breaks up with Parker Posey. Right. The elevator is like, oh, you know, I saw my life flash before my eyes or whatever horse shit. Yeah. He's still talking to her as NYC 152.

You know, they're still doing this email thing. And he winds up like, he knows she's her the whole time. So he just shows up at her apartment one day with flowers. And she like doesn't want him to be there. But he kind of barges into her house. This is terrifying, man. It is. This is some fucking wait until dark without blind people.

This is the rooftop killer. stuff. That's exactly right. Because she, she's like, he rings her, her bottom bell, which gets you into the building. Bottom bell. There's a bottom bell in the top bell. The bottom bell gets you to the building buzzer. Yeah, he brings them. You might want to start at the top bell, like, you know, foreplay.

Wrong bell, dude. Oops. He rings, he rings the building bell. And she's like, yeah, I'm sick. I don't want to see you. And then this woman lets him in. And he goes in. Absolutely. Yeah, it's a courtesy to stand outside the building when someone doesn't want you inside. Then he goes up to the top one

and he rings the bell and she says, oh man, she opens the door kind of to talk to him to tell him to leave and he kind of just walks in. Walks right in. She's sick as a dog. She's in her bathrobe and he's like, I'm sorry your fucking store closed well because of me. So here's some flowers I bought at the bodega. I mean

the flowers are lovely but I don't know why you're wearing surgical gloves. I'm here to talk to you about Huey Lewis in the news. And she's like, you know, man, like, I'm really sick, blah, blah, blah. And she even says it really pointedly, at one point in this scene, can you please leave? Yes. And he's like, well, anyway, the other thing about this, that the other thing.

Because he's too busy casually making a pot of tea and lying to her. And it's so fucked up because, like, the scene, when this scene ends, where everybody's at is she's in bed because she has stated she's fucking very ill. and she wants to lie down so she's in bed he's sitting on the side of the bed and then I don't remember what the situation is exactly but he puts his hand on her face

like she's about to say something and he's like shut up shut up shut up shut up don't say it I'm the rooftop killer because he business dominated her so he's earned this I'm going to move on her like a bitch

it's gross man like leave this apartment and certainly don't follow her into bed if she's not inviting you well it's it's hard to not follow somebody into bed what with it being a studio apartment that's true that's the problem but don't put your fingers on lips no man get those fingers away from there but he's specific and again like I'm like oh this is the end of the movie where he tells her everything no he doesn't what he's doing now is what we call the long crazy game which Which is like, which Eric kind of alluded to before. And this is when he starts actively, each one starts making fun of the other guy. It's like, it's that kind of weird power move you'll see with Superman sometimes. We're like, oh, that Clarkette, what a pussy. And then like Clark Kent will be like, you're like Superman, that fucking hunky piece of shit? And it's like, dude, are you nuts right now or what? Like, you're the same guy.

He saved the planet for the 73rd time last week. It's like, oh, that's Superman, he's a fucking loser. And then it's like, Clark Kent, he's a butcher. And it's like, oh, my God, you're just talking to yourself right now. It's like, crypto is like, roo. I don't have to be here right now, huh? And then it's weird because he uses this, like, playing himself against himself to, like, fake date her.

Because then it starts being like, whoops, we ran into each other. Oh, shit, that's crazy. It should be revealed that, like, he hacked this guy's email. Yes, had read them all. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and like, it was a big scheme by this evil Joe Fox. Yeah, dude, he should fucking go down at the end of this movie.

He should be arrested by Sippowitz. You really should be. Because, like, yeah, and he's like, oh, wow, NYC 152. What's a 152? Is that how many moles he's gotten removed or what? I'm wearing a ripped t-shirt in 1998. Wow, we're talking bad about people who had moles removed that? I guess so.

He's also making fun of Joni fucking Mitchell. and she was saying like oh he's probably like super fat or something yeah yeah he's one of those lines and yeah he's like oh yeah he's probably so fucking fat he had to be ripped out of his fucking apartment with a crane and then in his oh that's right yeah he's gonna be that fat my 600 pound life yeah and then in his head like he's chuckling because he's like little does she know

152 is the address of my super sweet fucking rich guy building oh my god what a maniac What a maniac It's terrifying And what's unfortunate about it For like the structure of this movie Is like at that bed scene The movie's over with

Yeah That should be the end of the movie That's at least at least right there Then it's like your end of act two Like confession Everything's fucked up Yeah And then you close everything up

In the next like few minutes Instead this goes for another like 25 minutes Easely yeah And it's just It goes on and on and on And then like basically like he's like he has a corporeal person is like hey let's get lunch on on saturday and then he as an internet person is like do you want to meet me saturday at like 3 p.m. at this park so they go they

have a really nice lunch together and he does this thing where he's like I really wish you would forgive me for ruining your life and she's like yeah no and he's like don't you think we can date each other and she's like yeah no it's worse than that it's totally worse than that because he says, it would have been great if we had met and not had this thing because I would have proposed to you. Yes. Immediately. And then she just, and then she, it totally not sarcastically, right, even though it's going to sound sarcastic because it's coming out of my mouth and the way I use words, she just essentially is like, yeah, I know, bummer. Yeah. She's totally like, oh, fuck, you're so right, Joe Fox. You're always right about everything. Yeah, but there's no way to unfuck that

that thing, unfuck that chicken. Like, literally, the chicken is fucked to death. You ruined her business. Like, you know what I mean? Like, she had said to, not to mention the sentimentality to it. That was her livelihood, et cetera, et cetera. Right. Like Steve Zon's out of a job now.

He's got to move to Brooklyn. Well, no, he's working at Fox Books now. Oh, that's right. And he is going to set, he's in charge of the, he actually has what Meg Ryan's job should be. He runs the children's section. And they say, you can't get a job. in there, which is what, three people, unless you have a Ph.D. in children's lit. How many of those

are in the CD2? I think that's just a slight peppering of sarcasm. I don't think so. Have you seen the people that work at these Barnes & Noble stores? Come on, PhDs. Give me a break. Not happening. You can't work at a bookstore unless you got PhDs. honestly though you know she might not have it to close this bookstore if she just called this staff down you know what I mean like sorry Zahn get out here's my question

is Jean Stapleton taking anything home yeah that's a question or are you just a sad old volunteer which is worse she's working the stock market as we hear she's Intel at 6 oh that's wrong I'm just working there for books I get paid in books

In it for the free books. Actually, that's not bad. If you don't have to worry about money, getting paid in books. Oh, yeah. If you can capitalize on someone's dementia, go for it. Oh, yeah. If you're, like, 80 years old and you're just getting paid in children's books, that's fucking great.

So you're capitalizing on her dementia, so you're not actually paying her in books. You're paying her in, like, grocery store flyers. Here's another book sheet in Staplet. That's actually how they pay Walmart greeters. That's actually true. Here you go, you old sad fuck who couldn't afford to retire. Here you go. Coupon for Q-tips.

Get fucked. Roll back Monday. Isn't it cute that e-trade commercial where it's like, isn't it amazing how no one's going to retire? You don't want to be? One of these sad old fucks. Oh, man, it is crazy how we make a fucking huge socially economic disaster look cute. It's adorable.

It's so fun. It's going to be great to die at my desk. And it's actually going to be fun. It's going to be fun and romantic eventually. I just got to follow that little green line or whatever the else fuck those commercials tell me to do. Jesus Christ, we're screwed. So she's like, I really have to meet this other guy. And he's like, well, okay.

And then she leaves. And he's told her the name of his dog, which is Brinkley. And like she's in the dog park waiting for him. And you hear, you see the dog first at his parking. He's like, Brinkley, Brinkley. And he comes around the corner and it's Tom Hanks. And she does this Meg Ryan cycle of emotions in her face. Yes.

Where it's like, fuck this guy. Oh, wait. It's that guy I like, oh, my God, what? And, like, she just kind of goes through all this stuff. And somewhere over the rainbow is playing in the back, man. Now, which version was it, though? It's, I don't think it's the original. No, but, I mean, thank God it wasn't that one with the ukulele.

No, no, no, no. We're not in a bad wedding. It's fine. I don't think we're there yet. But, yeah, I mean, here's the thing. This movie, while not. Not being longer than Star Wars, but longer than Raiders, right in that sweet spot. At this point, I mean, you've already fucking wasted my night.

Sure. Make it just a little bit longer because what we need here is the initial, please go fuck yourself together. And then maybe like a six months later thing and then they like bump into each other. Maybe it's at a Starbucks. If there was ever a movie that needed a she's all that moment, it's all, I was a bet. And then like they break up and then they don't. You know what I mean?

It's insane that she just sees this. this dude who she just saw and is like, yeah, I'm cool with it. Because credits are coming in 30 seconds, so she has one, she has like 10 seconds to say, you know, I wished it was you the whole time. I was like, bull effing shit, lady. No fucking way.

Are you kidding me? You weren't wishing it was Army Hammer like everybody else. You know what I mean? Like, you know it's not Army Hammer, but still. Meanwhile, you cut back to the fucking Upper West Side 79th Street Basin, man, and Dabney Coleman is covering himself in gasoline and lighting that boat on fire.

that's the fucking deleted scene I want to see The cops are coming Exactly dude fox books is going under That would be great That would actually be awesome Dabney Coleman cocks it up so bad The whole thing goes under And Tom Hanks is just a fucking measly old

Regular person Oh man yeah and he goes to jail forever All the all the financial crimes are pinned on the sun I mean like he doesn't ever redeem what he does to her Like no and it's not a dress Because you know it's a power move And he saw the godfather I mean, yeah, dude, they're just going to the mattresses, literally and figuratively.

It's the 90s version of a thirst trap, heavy trap, less thirst. Yeah, I mean, it's just weird. The movie needs to like, like, they kind of say that, oh, she's writing now and she has this thing of like, you know, I never would have wrote this book if not for my fucking store going under and like, you know, all this term was. I'm finally writing this children's book. All I had to do is disintegrate the relationship with a pretty good dude that I was with and lose my family. business that's been with me for decades so it was good it was a good thing all this the the the corporate takeover of everything it's awesome you know what here's the thing though if the book that

she writes is like harry potter level successful that's it would be totally worth it sure it would it should be a manifesto yeah i think so recycling is fake i don't i mean i love you but i don't know if we could put this in fox books wait composting is fake that doesn't even make sense what the Wait, this fold-out part, is this how to make a rifle? Oh, my God. Did you just declare war on the ATF in this book? I mean, the illustrations are great, but weird. Is that supposed to be Jesus or you?

Both? Tell me, is this how to make your favorite poison section? Is this all correct? Wait, you've been feeding me those mushrooms? What? and then we just somehow we just go to credits it's a quick one

it's allowed to end like that it's fucking outrageous what about the other six lady he's he's running this scam on that's my question that's a great question because he's a dude in a chat room he's got tons of shop girls exactly some of them bites some of them don't

oh I see he's just he's putting the fucking the bait out in the water man see what bites he's probably got like some lady in California he's going for Sure. That's the sequel. Green Lady 129 or something. Green Lady. We've all, who hasn't been seduced by the Green Lady? I'm going to be seduced by her as soon as you fuckers get out of my house.

Oh, you know what? The screen name was Green Lady 420. Oh, right. That's exactly what it is. I always like getting high in the mornings. New York is waking up. Oh, you bet it is. There's just something about wake and baking in the fall. If I knew your name and address, I would send you a box full of shake. Thanks.

Thanks for your dry shake. Oh, man. And that's the end of the movie. Here's a thing that's fucked up. I waited until the credits were finished. No Stinger? I was not on Stinger Patrol. Thanos didn't log in.

What I was. Assuming I would get is credits are totally finished. Oh, I know what you're going to say. Goodbye. Oh, right. How do you fuck that up? How about a door sling? A kachunk.

Give me the kichung. I need the kachunk, dude. Goodbye kachunk. Either would be great. At the end of every scene in this movie, I could have gone for a goodbye kachunk. Or like all through the credits, there's a little animated version of the AOL running yellow guy. Just for fun, for fucking. That little figure is like jerking off.

And it's like, hey, get a computer. At this point, I've given up on fun in this movie. I've just fucking abandoned ship. You know what they never discussed in this movie? Which I feel like, you know, you're fucking talking to each other on AOL and whatnot. And it's 1998. You got to be talking about all the hip channels that you're checking out. Oh, sure.

Are you on that weather channel? Are you on the sports channel or the entertainment channel? What message board are you on? Exactly. message, boy. Hey, I can get headline news on this thing. Exactly. Talk more about the AOL interface. Oh, you want to hear about the scores of the games that happened yesterday? Or the schedule of the games happening tomorrow? All the games.

Clinton's transportation bill is making its way through Congress. And that's all we have to tell you. You know the sad AOL interface thing that's burned in my brain? I remember logging on to AOL and right there at the front page was fucking America Online told me that Phil Hartman died Oh wow Oh really?

Yeah and I was like Oh fuck you AOL God damn you I'm moving over to Netscape Did they tell you two days after it actually happened No I think it was pretty of the minute Did you click on it and said goodbye Kachunk

I got Kachunked right out of there man You got Kachunk right out of this mortal coil So that's you've got mail Would anybody recommend this movie? I think it's a pretty solid hangover movie. I mean, this thing takes fucking forever. Nobody really raises a voice. The stakes are incredibly low.

Oh, they sure are. Like, if you're getting Texas drunk, like I will be in exactly three weeks, that this is where you kind of want to be. No. This is a really disgusting movie, I think. Somebody responded to that picture of you with the VHS of you've got mail.

They were like, what a disgusting picture. and that VHS cover is terrible too. They said something about like some professor did a class on this. Oh, right. And I'm like, yeah, you could do a whole fucking semester on this. The origins of catfish? Professor Moriarty did a whole class on this movie. But no, don't watch it.

Yeah, no, I'm with Chris here. I really did, I didn't enjoy it. This was actually my first time seeing this movie. Wow, congratulations. Well, thank you. Hey, that's a certificate. Keep it at one Happy birthday

I'd like to thank the chat room New name for this podcast I think The chat room ASL and all that No I wouldn't recommend it I did not enjoy this I will recommend this movie

It's an innocuous hangover movie you can sit through it And just look at it Look at pretty Tom Hanks Pretty Greg Keneer, pretty Meg Ryan. This might be the pretty Jean Stapleton. Pretty Parker Posey. This could be the brownest movie in the history of existence.

What? There is so much earth tones on everybody and everywhere. It's the late 90s, man. We love dressing like trees. Dude, man, bring it back. I am team earth tones. Okay. Really? Yes.

You sit there in a fucking black t-shirt and a black pair of jeans and a black pair of shoes. With a black fucking headset on. Yeah, but I do have a brown coat at home. I want to bring it. I'll bring it in soon. But do you also have a black hat Cadillac? No, but I... This boy is a time bomb.

Oh, you took it from me. I'm sorry. Oh, well, Ruby's Soho to all that. That's You've Got Mail from 1998, directed by Nora Ephron. We certainly hope you have yourselves a nice Valentine's Day tomorrow. For more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com. Find us and a bevy of other funny shows over at Headgum. If you want a whole other episode this month...

Oh, right. Oh, you should do what Eric told you to do, which is go on to our Patreon and get our episode on Man of Steel. That's right. The first Zach Snyder's Superman Abomination as well as Will Smith's Bright Ork Joint called Bright.

Right, and to check that out, just go to AOL.com. Patreon.com. Keyword, we hate movies. Keywords, wow. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And I do want to mention that also when you contribute, you will also unlock, I think there's like 17 episodes of,

animation damnation at least right there for you to instantly binge on and that's at the $5 level if you go up to the $8 level you'll get 17 episodes of nexus and a bunch of great commentaries on movies like Taken and the Twilight movies and other stuff too like us on Facebook

follow us on Twitter we are at WHM podcast and of course right into that mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com oh I forgot in in two days time on February the 15th no one's listening right now but on February 15th at 7 p.m. on Facebook Live, we will be drawing

your listener request month requests. That is correct. Oh, wait. Now I'm being handed another news briefing. Uh-oh. We have a T-Public store. You should check out. We've got some merch. There's a new Coma Cat T-shirt. If you like the Hard to Kill episodes right there for you. Totally. And Coma Cat T-shirt was of course designed by our good friend of Philippe Sabrero.

So, yeah, I think that's going to do it for this week. Now, what's up next on We Hate Movies? We're staying in the romance zone, I think. Is that what we're doing? It is a movie. The next episode is going to be all of us making out. Yes, a lot of smacking. Kissin' vids.

It is a Jim Belushi erotic thriller. Oh, my boners calling. Traces of Red. Ooh, traces of right. Now, this is not the one, is it or is it not the one with him and Linda Hamilton where he gets the shipbeat out of him hilariously? I think this is, yeah. Is it because that, there might be multiples of that.

That might be separate lives. I think that's separate lives. But that is an additional Jim Belushi erotic thriller. Either way. She's also heard of his wife and fucking Mr. Destiny. Did they have this thing for a while now? Oh, we were like Hepburn and Tracy. Oh, he wishes.

Jim's Rib. Holy shit. Until next time with Jim's Rib. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Goodbye.

Kachunk That was a hit gum.