We Hate Movies - S8 Ep342: Episode 342 - Death Wish V: The Face of Death

Episode Date: February 27, 2018

This week on the program, the guys head back to Bronson with the ridiculous & sad sequel, Death Wish V: The Face of Death! How is a 71 year-old Charles Bronson supposed to be at all menacing? Why, when going into Witness Protection, would Paul Kersey be allowed to keep his first name and work in pretty much the same career? And how are you billing Michael Parks FOURTH? PLUS: The guest list for Amelia Bedelia's funeral is deep!  Death Wish V: The Face of Death stars Charles Bronson, Lesley-Anne Down, Michael Parks, Miguel Sandoval, and Saul Rubinek; directed by Allan A. Goldstein. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey. Now on today's program, my goodness, it's back to Brunson. Death Wish 5, the face of death. I'm Andrew Jupin. Surprise, Chris Cabin. Surprise, Stephen Zedai. I am very confused, Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Because I'm usually a third in the... I'm almost every episode. Well, let's just talk about that up front then.

The lineup changed. Lineup TVA. I didn't even notice. Chris Cabin, ladies and gentlemen, I've just been handed an update from the newsroom. Chris Cabin is sitting in a... A different seat. Man, it's a slow news day.

Welcome to We Hate Movies, everybody. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like we said, up top, Death Wish 5, colon, the face of death from 1994, directed by Alan A. Goldstein. Okay. Is this a subtle dig at Bronson's face? Is that like what we're doing here? He does look like death in this. It's the only thing that makes sense.

You could throw a baseball, no, a softball. You could catch a softball in this face. This is a weird old catcher's mitt. Yeah, dude, or you could like maybe punt it through some sad uprights because it also looks like a withered football. It looks like a microwave to avocado. Like, you know what you put an avocado? Yeah.

You think that's how you make guacamole? Like, I guess I'll just put this microwave in the avocado in the microwave. Instead of this, he should have done like old man Chuckie. you know, like, child's play as an old man, like an old doll. He's the same size. Yeah, exactly. Think of him with, like, his hair dyed, like, red,

and him running around, like, me. I'm going to kill you. I mean, these movies have gotten, like, so cartoonish. I really do imagine, like, anything that would hit him in the face would hold there for a minute as it was sucked in, and then he would spring back out.

This movie really thinks highly of itself. I'll tell you right now, do you guys notice during these opening credit, And it's like the theme from the godfather. I mean, it is some really melodramatic orchestrations. And I'm like, this is the fifth death wish movie. Let's reel it in a little bit. He is, we are doing this obviously because on Friday, death wish, just death wish, right?

Yeah, just death wish. The new reboot with Bruce Willis and Eli Roth, yuck comes out. Who was writing letters to the film company being like, dear Mr. Hollywood? I would really love a new Death Wish movie before I die. Whoever owns the rights to Death Wish. If it was ever in the top 10 of a yearly box office, you can remake it at this point. Yeah. That's, I think what they do. I think they just go on fucking Box Office Mojo and just look and be like, oh, we can do that now.

Wait, so which one? The first one? The first one was huge. Really? It was a huge hit. It spurned five films. And now another one and there was that Kevin Bacon movie nobody saw. Oh, Death Sentence. I thought that movie was kind of okay. Yeah, we saw that together. Andrew. Oh yeah. That's been a story. Death note is not

related with the Willem DeFoe Monster. No, that's an anime. That's a whitewashed live action anime. Wow. Yeah. I tried to watch some of that anime. I turned it off almost immediately. I'm going to write your name in a notebook. And then a creature is going to come and kill you. Wait, that's the plot? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to write your name in a notebook and then I'm subsequently going to kill you. It's just how I keep track of who I'm going to kill. So he's never signed his own name?

No. That comes in, man. That does eventually come in. Oh, really? Oh, fuck, I can write these animas. I can write these animas, Mark. And then there is some kind of terrorist organization. I do not really get it.

So this movie is Paul Cursey. Our hero. Our hero. He's back in the Big Apple slash Toronto. Boy, those tax credits. Them. Tax credits, everybody. So let me get this straight.

Yeah. He was putting to witness protection after all the shit he's done in New York. Yes. And then he's just put back to New York in witness protection. I'm two avenues over now. It's totally, if you do something on Fifth Avenue, if you do it in the fashion district, everything is different. And he went from Paul Cursey to Paul Stewart. Yes.

You know what? I feel like when you go into witness protection, it's both names. You've got to do both names. both names. This is like fucking Ben Kenobi horseshit. It wouldn't work. Well, you know... They'll find you. You know the whole moving thing was the whole negotiation with the

fucking Witness Protection Agency that went on for five months. Yeah. Oh my God. I mean, he was... But like, that's the thing is you shouldn't be able to go into a grocery store and someone calls out your first name and you turn around. That's not how that mutinous protection should work. I was just checking it out. And so one in three

take place in New York. Two and four both take place in L.A. And then five is back to New York is the idea. It's an odds and evens game. They should send him to Chicago. Yeah, come on. I'm going to burn down

the second city again. He did it the first time. Oh, shit. Yeah. The twin cities meet my twin barrels. Yes, dude, that's the thing. He needs to be going to a bunch of different cities. And if you're just going to film in

fucking Toronto anyway, Canadian vacation. Kill him USA. You know what I mean? Put him in the country and have him shoot hillbillies. Oh, yes. You know what? Look around his IMDB filmography.

I guarantee you that movie exists. It's just called something else. I mean, he made so many death wishes that weren't death wish, which I watched. 10 to midnight, that's a death wish. Murphy's Law is a great death wish movie. Kingite or whatever. Kinjite. That's a death wish.

The top 10 racist movie. That's a racist movie. Death Wish. Well, actually, he's only killing white people in this movie. Unless I'm mistaken, because it's an Irish and Italian gang. Yes, yes. I think we could say those are white. No, I'm just saying it's an Irish slash Italian gang. Well, because for further listening, by the way, after this episode, we have done Death Wish 3.

And Death Wish 3, it takes place in New York, even though we're filming this shit in fucking England. Oh, yeah. That movie. But he's, like, kind of taking out members of like a Latteachian. Latino gang of some kind. What the hell happens in Death Wish for? Anybody? I didn't. He goes to...

Crack cocaine? The crackdown. He goes to L.A. and he takes out an entire drug gang. Oh, okay. Kind of pretty much the same thing as part three, except, like, he's not avenging murdered elderly people. For once. It's like batteries not included, but I blow people up.

Oh, man, he needs like a little comic relief, a little UFO guy hanging around. Dude, I would love it if he had like a droid companion. Yes. Don't kill that man, dumb, dumb. It's okay. You can do that. Kill all of them.

He is firmly in New York and he's in a relationship with a woman, Olivia Regent. Yes. Fashion design. A high flutin fashion designer. Her ex-husband is Michael Parks, who runs a gang. Michael Parks built forth in this movie. What the fuck is that? You know what?

He should have been like first. honestly he should have been first you know why he's doing the best job in this movie he was a great actor and like yes this movie sucks it's death wish five of course it sucks but in this movie like michael parks is being a kind of okay villain he he's doing it he's bringing it here but like um who was second and third then uh second is uh whoever played olivia regent which i believe is somebody saying something else I'll get to the IMDB page.

And Saul Rubeneck? Sol Rubeneck gets a special appearance. I love that. Never has happened in the history of cinema elsewhere. Do you think Saul Rubenek was like, wait, what am I getting it? Okay. Can I mean okay? Can I have to still to frame?

I'm looking up this woman's name because she hasn't been in a ton of stuff. But yes, Leslie Ann Down. Oh, I don't know. I got at St. I don't know. Yeah, but Michael Parks is shuffled down to the fourth slot. That's insane. By the way, I will put all of your money on Michael Parks getting Dennis Frieden at the Oscridge.

Put all of your money on it. Oh, sure. I don't give people gambling tips on this show often, but, you know, that's my lock of the week. Also, what clip would they have shown, you know, like, Red State? Him and Dust Till Dawn, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Not today. Yeah.

Man, yeah, him in Red State, by the way, that movie's something. Mm-hmm. That is something else. Was he in Tusk? Yes, he is in Tusk. He's also in Kill Bill. He became Kevin Smith's muse. Right, yeah.

Kevin Smith was just like a fan of his. They just made some movies. We opened, I think that I've never been to a fashion show. So, you know, please. What? According to this, there's a lot of boobs that are shown while the girl are changing. Now, is that how the fashion shows like?

Listen, I'm sure there is. First of all, I'm sure there is. You're changing really fast and all these different outfits, this, that, and the other things. It's a separated room, right? This is how you choose to film the opening of your film that takes place at a fashion show. You could have done something like Phantom Threats.

A little classy. They come out there. They walk around. But no, you're shown backstage and you're showing nudity because it's Death Wish Five. Because it's produced by Menachem Golan, by the way. Toast, magevin, sausage, pancakes, eggs or easy. Man, his breakfast in that movie, getting so fucking hungry watching that movie. Marmalade.

I don't know, would IHop put it, like, if that movie wins the Oscar, would IHop put out, like, a special, like... Oh, man. The, the, what, they could, they would go out of business, man. They can't, they can't replicate that. No one at, like, the, like, the I-Hop. how corporate office knows what phantom threat is well no one knows what a rabbit is either

like wait you could eat rabbit I would make that Denny's employee do it without writing it down no no put that pad away it's actually just a cup of orange jelly that's all we have well that's actually true like he was like the the toast of the fashion industry so he'd go to a really nice

like Riverside restaurant we would go we're subpar podcasters We go to Denny's. That's the move. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yes, we're backstage. There's a fashion show in full swing. Yes, a lot of nudity. And Paul Cursey... But it's in the middle of the day. It's a fashion show.

Look, man, this is a shitty movie that doesn't know what things are. I don't know what to tell you. And they're making the clothes where they're having the fashion show. I don't think that happens either. Listen, listen, here's the thing. We can't be too critical of all this, because we don't know anything. All I know is we're in New York City in the fashion district and no one went to mood?

Oh, I don't think so. Tim Gunn would have been furious. Speak for yourself. I know all about the fashion. Oh, really? He says wearing a tattered replacements t-shirt. So Chris Cabin. Yeah, exactly.

You wore it once it's tattered. In the opening of this film, are the women wearing the clothes or are the clothes wearing the women? That is a philosophical question that I do not have the time to answer here, Eric. And that's why you'll never make it in the fashion industry.

Yeah, sorry. You'll always be looking from the outside in, I know, Kevin. So Paul Cursey is attending this thing, and boy, is it weird to see Charles Bronson at a fashion show? You know he could not care less.

Look at my dad at every graduation he's ever had to be in. He's definitely just checking his watch. Yeah, dude, no. I was picturing my father at some of, like, my sister's plays. Just like, yep. Here I am.

I'm strapped. and uh yeah oh i'm packing heat definitely michael parks comes in to a living to the back stage area apparently like he has financed this to some degree or maybe like he gave her a loan in the beginning so he thinks he owns everything and the best line in this entire movie oh wow looks outside uh he sees uh bronson with his uh his young girl named chelsea who's dressed like she's in the fucking fifth element this entire movie

i don't know what's going to all these hats and or uh she's also kind of dressed like Madeline who lives at the hotel Oh yeah, a little bit A little Madeline costuming going on Yeah, oh yeah, but she kind of looks like she's from the future For most of this movie And she, I think it's Eleanor lives at the hotel And Madeline live with the nuns

Yes, and he goes back and he's like What's that geek doing with Chelsea? The word calling Charles Bronson a geek is hilarious It's really great It's a poor word choice There are so many things that you could say Charles Bronson is or Charles Bronson looks like

Hey, what's my daughter doing that used football? What did that? Oh my god, my daughter's with that old hobo. Please get that guy out of here. Elieze? Eloise. There it is. We stopped three tweets down. Wait, what the fuck are we talking about? Eloise was

the kid in the hotel. She lived at the Plaza Hotel. In what? It's like a series of children's books. Oh, boy. Yeah. Don't worry, dude. You will never have to worry. an Amelia Bedelia type. Yes. How was that never been

a live action film? Eventually will. You know what, man, that lady, you put her to any task, it's going wrong. No, what was her? What was that? She was a maid who was also an idiot. And she would also, like,

she would interpret things, like, super literally, you know, so, like, you'd say things like Amelia Bedelia, press the drapes, and she'd go over and, like, press them between her hands because she was stupid. It was a riot. In the final book, it was crazy. She passed away because she mixed bleach and pneumonia

and it was cleaning the bathroom floor with the windows closed. Now that I like. The drawings of the funeral are beautiful. Oh, that's a funny funeral. Oh, man, it would be like the 1994 death of Superman, the funeral for a friend where all the Eloise is at the funeral, Madeline Curious George. The Berenstain Bears?

Yes, absolutely. They all right in the magic school bus. Yes, the magic school bus drove them all the funeral parlor. Oh, man. The magic hearse. Weirdly enough, Paul Kersey is not an Amelia Bedelia. No, no. The magic hers can go through the corpse and show decomposition.

Oh, it figures out how they died. Yeah, that's like a learning experience. Well, again, we're learning about necrosis. so yes it's a lot of Charles Bronson smiling politely at this fashion show and then he just goes backstage and I got to tell you he can't just walk backstage in one of these things unless you're fucking Donald Trump yeah what are you the president

Michael Park starts giving it to this fat guy and it is a delight because like he goes back and like they are currently making clothes whilst whilst this fashion show is going on and the fat guy is like the numbers guy And he's like, look, Michael Parks, we're a little short this month because... Oh, no, your money laundering doesn't make any sense because we're not making enough money. We're spending too much money on these dresses and stuff like that.

He's like, hey, man, you're bringing in all this dirty money for me to launder, but we're not selling enough clothes. By the way, they are having this discussion next to an open pool of acid. Which is what? Now, again, I agree now, yes, none of us know the fashion industry very well. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this does not exist in any fashion company. I'm going to just go out in a limb on this one. The house Woodcock probably had one, right? A vat somewhere?

Maybe it's a thing where like that's how you dispose of like the worn out mannequins. Oh, oh, that's where Woodcock put her fucking dinner. Oh, right. Just to teach you something. Oh, that poor woman. At least in that scene. She got back at him. And he loved it.

So like, yeah, so he's telling this fat guy. off and we get in really unfortunate. He's like grabbing his stomach and like just really, really doing it. He's going on him a beached whale. Big tub of guts in another moment. That and ugly. Constantly. Well, that one was right.

And then he gets, I mean, like this African-American gentleman gets into it and we drop the end bomb and I'm like, you know what movie? No. This is not that movie. He is not, like him being a racist has nothing to do with the movie, negative 20 points. You're not allowed to just drop. that for no reason. It's just something he does. Yeah. I mean, I would understand, though, that Michael Parks

is the villain of this movie? Yes. Yes. What with like literally everything else he does? I don't need to be like, oh, he's a villainous. Oh, he's a racist villain, though. So that meant, like, he's just a villain. It needs to be either none or you're doing a hate crime movie. Right. Yeah, exactly. Like, if he's, if being a racist is like part of the life of crime

that he's leading, sure. They snowballed the whole thing because the R word comes out later. too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that happened. And so, like, I mean, it's it just stokes your anger from for no reason. Yeah, he's getting really frustrated reading an Amelia Bedelia book. Oh, is this part,

would they cut that guy's face too? Yes, yes, they cut the security guards face, uh, who we're referring to. Yeah, this dude tries to step in and Michael Parks is like, uh, step back, slur. We're going to take care of this fat guy. And boy, boy, do they take care of it. It's insane too, because like, that

guy was like um he was like watching the door for him he was actually like helping michael parks in this in this uh shakedown of of the uh tub alar and the thing that's the thing that is really unfortunate is everybody who works in the factory floor knows the score yeah because at one point like one of the henchmen just presses a button and alarm goes off and everybody who's working the machines just knows get the fuck out like the boss man is here and he's probably going to cut this guy's stomach on with some of our machinery, which totally happens to this poor man. Oh, that's right. He does kind of cut him

up a little bit. He cuts him right open. It's like a band saw. I don't know much about fashion, but are they like, are they cutting wood? I think that's where they're carving the mannequins. I guess, well, no, I do know a lot about fat people because I am one. Like, wouldn't this guy be in the hospital for the rest

of the movie? Like, later he's walking around. Like, they cut this guy open like fucking Goro. His shirt doesn't have any blood on it. Yeah. Well, when he's outside later, there is blood on his shirt. But like there would be a big fucking soap spot. There totally is. What planet are you on?

I didn't see it. Oh, it's there, man, because the guy, the security guard takes him outside and he's, like, bleeding out. And all these other people that work at the factory are like, oh, man, Carl, you're fucking with this whole thing. He's going to be so mad at us. Don't take this bleeding guy out here. And this poor security guard is just like trying to get the police to intervene. We don't see what happens. but that guy's like magically back at work 24 hours later.

You think there's a caution sign next to that thing of acid or what? Like it's just the big vat of acid. There really needs to be or like a chain around it. There was like colored lines. No diving. Yeah. Slippery when wet. Not for drinking.

No running near the pool. And it's not even like it's real deal like you will burn. Yeah. It's a bubbling tub of acid. It's boiling acid. That's like, okay. So the Joker or something, like something should come of this other than characters dying. Is that where Jack Nicholson actually went?

It wasn't like a chemical factory. It was like a fashion. It was a fashion factory. It was Andy Warhol's the factory. It's where the Joker's from. That would make a lot of sense. That would. Now just stand here, Jack, and look at this camera.

Someone's going to give you a blowjob and I'm just going to film your face for 20 minutes. Okay, now go to sleep for eight hours. I'm just going to keep the camera. running. I would watch that. And it drives him to murder, performance art murder, which is what the Joker is. That's right. I've seen

Andy Warhol's blowjob. It's a good movie. It's not a good movie. It's a good movie that's an experience, baby. Interesting art experience. It blows in the end, but yeah. Curseys, like, you don't have to take this guff. So she tells Michael Parks to get the hell out of there and, like, Curseys

looking at him. They kind of have this thing where She's like, I am not paying your whatever anymore. Like, I'm going straight or whatever, which you never, listen, you work for the mafia. You just, you know. It's a lifetime gig. It's like having a kid, man. You just, now you just got this thing forever. He insisted that you put an acid bath in your factory.

He insisted. No, maybe it was there when they bought the place. It's like, oh, you're going to turn this into what a fashion factory? We'll find some use for it. Maybe we'll put the dolls in it. So the Joker is a job. Okay, good. If he's away, he's not coming back. Because that's the worry, that's the worry you have.

Once you have the Joker in there, he's always coming back. That's his new hideout. So if you accidentally make the Joker in your office's acid bath, now it's a Joker's hideout. Now you're sharing a business space with somebody. It's very annoying. Also, Bronson gets involved because he notices some bruises on her on. Oh, that's actually the grabs are pretty roughly.

Yeah, and it's like, who did this to you? Take me to him immediately. immediately kind of a thing. And she's like, dude, I don't want you to have a heart attack. Like, you know, I mean, he's so, he's like in his 70s now. Yeah. And I know, wasn't he's 71 when they filmed it? 71.

Holy mother. Final film appearance, by the way. That's tragic. And this is after his legit turn in the, uh, anyone ever see the Indian runner? No. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a Charles Bronson ending. That is a rough watch.

It's not a good movie. I don't think. I kind of like it. I mean, it's the only Sean Penn movie. Oh, what is it, jogging or bicycling? What is this? What is he doing in this? It's Vigo Mortensen is like the...

David Morris is the other one? Yeah, it's like a family of tufts that are going wrong and like Bronson's the dad and he's like trying to act and then... I did not see this. He's trying to act what happened. He just didn't. No, I mean, he's actually not like this movie who is like, When's Lunch? He's like actually, I think he cries in that movie? Yes, he does a little bit.

Oh, shit. That's something. Final tier performance of Charles Bronson. I mean, I guess, like, you know, go out playing your most famous character. Sure. I mean, he died several years after this movie. What did he die? Like 2002?

I don't know. Something like that? I don't know. But it was long after this, I'm pretty sure. But he just retired, which is the right movie. 2003 at the age of 81. So there you got Charles Buczynski. Wow.

What time of year? What time a year? Yeah. We're talking August 30th. Now, did we... No, we didn't invade Iraq yet, did we? I'm just wondering if he... Yeah, that was Juneau 3.

Oh, really? Oh, I don't... Yeah, I don't remember. Yeah, he read the tea leaves like, yeah, I'm done. Evidecci. I just want to know if Charles Bronson knew that we were going to war with Iraq. I think he did. He died with that information.

Okay, good. So, by the way, he's now Professor Paul Stewart, and he's back teaching... Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If you are once a world famous architect whose family is murdered, you become a fucking, you know, revenge killer, then you have to go into witness protection. They somehow allow you to keep your real first name. You cannot also go back kind of to the profession you once had. In the same town, and you're teaching architecture.

You won't leave the borough. It's ridiculous. It's nuts. Because also, like, I want a scene of him teaching architecture. That I want. seen any of this film? Professor Death Wish. Okay, what you want to do is have a door here

and a door there and an acid bath there in case you need it. This is actually what you do for this movie. He goes into witness protection and he's going to be an architecture professor. Different first name and then like

some of his students are getting hassled by some gang on campus or something. Oh yeah. Like substitute four. Yeah. So it's like a Charles Bronson college movie where he's going to get that Delta house. But really get them. Going to get those

Delta boys good. Yeah, also, like, wouldn't it be kind of possible that he turns up in one of these textbooks? Yeah. Like, legendary architect Paul Cursey, who vanished mysteriously. Well, this is now every Republican's dream. Every teacher should be Charles Bronson, armed to

the team. Exactly, yeah. Who's been talking in my class Gabelamel She should know all the chokeholds for sure So yeah he's Basically the next movement of the film Is him and his girlfriend go out to dinner

We don't know like anything about this relationship Like how long has it been going It seems like it's been going on a while Because he does propose for it but it's also like I'm 71 like let's not be boyfriend and girl I can't be seeing girlfriend when I'm 70 years old Yeah that's embarrassing Yeah, but it's weird

Because it's like he's 71 She's probably like in her 50s This little girl's like 10 I don't know what is going on But like it's at least long enough That the daughter really likes him Sure Is the idea

Well he's not murdered her yet So she's very likable In that phase he's very likable You should know my track record with daughters That's what doesn't make sense About four or five to me Like everything that gets near you

dies. Oh yeah. And it's specifically because of you most of the time. And I don't think he ever comes to that realization in any of these movies. You need a scene where he's like being a little self-reflexive and he's like, I am cursed. Everyone who gets close to me dies. No, he just wants to fuck, man. He wants to fuck. No matter what he has to bury it. I guess he has to push it down. He could fuck and he doesn't have to marry her. You know what I mean? Like you go

find someone else after this. Don't get too close. But like every sex scene would have to be like the Munich sex scene. Like every single one of them. I don't think you get through this. I only saw that in the theater. So take it through. Eric Banda screams crazy. Yeah. And like there's like guns in the background because he's remembering all of the all the death. Yeah. He basically is like PTSD. While having sex. It sounds perfect. Yeah. It sounds perfect. Well, because you never know what's coming, man. Dude. What? You know. You never know what's going to happen. It's true. Yeah. Surprises. Wouldn't it be a treat for us, the viewer, to see Charles Bronson just having sex

for an entire movie's runtime with various people and he's having horrific flashbacks? It's Death Wish. It's part five. It's split into two parts. The first part, it's him. It's structured with him talking to Stirl and Scars Guard the whole time.

Let me tell you all about my erotic adventures. Or maybe it's at least like the deer hunter. The first like 50 minutes is him just like getting laid and then he goes and does stuff for another hour and a half. Goes to a really nice wedding. One time me and this, me and my friend went on a train

and wanted to have sex with as many people as possible. And then we did it. Then I hit my friend with a bag full of pennies. And then it was me and Jamie Bell. Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. And stuff got hot. Right? Wouldn't you want to see that?

And then suddenly he starts freaking out and screaming and kills him. Yeah, that's all right. I mean, if the end of the Death Wish saga had Charles Bronson getting pissed on for revenge, A plus. Yeah, I like that. We're introduced to Saul Rubenek,

who is, like, working in the DA's office. Sure. And always a reliable character actor, Miguel Sandoval, who I love on Seinfeld is the Bredegger. Yeah, totally. Doing the cock fights. He was like in every movie in the 1990s.

Oh, yeah, he just turned up. Including this. Yep. I feel like it's if you don't get Ruben Blades. If Ruben Blades doesn't call you back, you go to Miguel Sandoval. I like Miguel Sandoval better, though. Okay. Yeah.

It's better mustache. Oh, without question. Yes. Well, you know. And Miguel Sandoval is a, like, detective with the NYPD, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I think what happens in this. He's identified.

as a lieutenant at one point. I think so anyway. That's right. Because basically, Bronswood's like the only way this is going to work. I've got a friend on the police department who will lock up your ex-husband. And she's like, yeah, but he's in like the super mafia.

You know what I mean? Like this isn't going to go the way you wanted to go. And I feel like he had that info like early on. Oh, yeah. Right? Like he's got to know that by this point. Which is this whole plot is. stupid because if Paul

Kersey is your fiancé and you have this dude that's a mafia, like it fucking, it should have worked itself out by now. Yes, exactly. You don't know whether or not he told her like, does she think this Paul Stewart architecture professor?

Yeah, I have a feeling that's all kind of locked up. That's fine. But like Paul Paul Kersey himself knows who he is and he knows this guy's got an acid vet. That's no good so he should fucking sort it out defend your future wife here's the thing

he cannot legally he's not allowed to act until somebody's in the ground that's how this movie works he's like twiddling his fingers waiting for this woman to die a loophole he's untethered from reality

at this point everybody he loves is dead when and if you do die you will be avenged up to the hilt but I cannot actually protect you if you read the death wish bylines you must die thankfully you're not getting raped it's not that

kind of a death wish thanks for everything we already had that death wish that was four death wishes ago that's what the proposal was it wasn't really hey let's get married it's like hey why don't you die so that I can go kill a bunch of people would you do me the honor of being murdered

did you take this corpse does you notice by the way they are at this nightclub or whatever having dinner. It was a nice restaurant. And they are sitting at this luxurious, like, curved booth. But only she is in the booth. He has requested a separate chair to, like, sit across her.

And it's clearly like a couple's table where they're supposed to be next to each other in this beautiful, lush, curved booth. No, no. Give me a shoddy, wooded chair. Those booths are for Gen X's. Look, you don't hear so good outside this year. I got to be on that side. That's how it's going to have to be.

He's shrinking at this point. So I think it was one of those baby chairs. So I need a booster over here. I can't be able to see you eye to eye while I proposed to you. She says yes. She does say yes. Because so basically he's convinced her to go to the cops. And then that's when Michael Parks comes into this restaurant with his gang.

And she goes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. And this is a very weird scene with. we're introduced to Freddy Flakes Oh God And it's like it's weird He's like really Abusing her face with the mirror And he's like crying at the same time

He's dressed up like a woman Because that's how he got in the bathroom But like it's weird The why he's crying while he does it Someone clearly watched just to kill Like right before Because they're definitely doing like a psychosexual Yeah

But that never comes to anything The rest of this movie This guy's just like Oh bull bomb in the fucking mafia it's like remember at the beginning of that movie where you look like a fucking kid in the hall I really it reminded me so hard he looks exactly like Kevin McDonald

in drag I was thinking Seth Myers yeah I could see that too but it's like why would you choose to never revisit that yes like he's dressed up like a woman to sneak into this bathroom he's crying he's mashing this woman's face against a broken mirror

it's fairly disturbing like it's like a darker scene in this film well it's like it's like a mega force gang like it's Tommy O'Shea Michael Park's name is Tommy O'Shea sure the heads in Irishman and then he's got two very Italian stereotype psychists and then he has a serial killer just fucking working for him well that's how you make your money if you're a serial killer do you want to be a serial killer that dies that lives in a van and goes to fucking prison what do you want to make you glit and glamour do you want to yeah do you want to be John Wayne Gase you do you want to be

the ice man That's exactly right dude that that dude lived a life He did He lived a life That movie is not good Oh the narrative

About him Yeah that was terrible Is that Michael Shannon Yeah So no good Captain America Yes It's not

Chris Evans is in that film Oh my lord Yeah it's not great No It's like his partner Kind of With a funny mustache That documentary though

That's bone chilling Yeah That's good it's an angry dad that kills that's what's kind of creepy it's like if I pushed my dad just a little farther when I was a teenager

like he would have become that guy just a little like a hair fart you gotta get you a time machine she goes to the hospital and again he's like legally all right you've assaulted her viciously

but legally I am not allowed to revenge upon it until she is in the ground Right. Funerals first, everybody. Look, I don't make the rules. This is not the time to be talking about what we're going to do about this issue. Look, give these families time to grieve first.

Look, you were the one who brought the lawyers into it. I was trying to just do you and me. And so we're told that the daughter is now, like, being hidden at Paul Kersey's home. This house he's got, by the way. Here's a question. Do you think he designed that himself with his architecture skills? supposed to have been, but I don't think he actually did. I don't think Charles Bronson actually doesn't.

No, I meant Paul Cursey. I mean, there's a lot of interesting house. Freddie Flakes' place looks like it was designed by Otho. That place is just insane. A lot of, like the mafia, Michael Parks included, have very modern design homes and aesthetics. Paul Cursey's got more of this like country rustic. Freddie Flakes, like Michael Parks lives in the city. Like he lives in an apartment in downtown.

Toronto, but Freddie Flakes and Charles Bronson lives in these houses and I'm like, are you on Long Island or is it Jersey? Maybe it's Westchester, you don't know. You gotta spell these things out a little bit. Michael Parks' his apartment looks like where God rest of his soul, Philip Seymour Hoffman pushed off and before the devil knows you're dead.

Yes, he's exactly like it. You're totally right actually. First thing I think you were talking about real life. I was like, you saw a house? That just happened downtown. Yeah, yeah. He, uh, so he's like, so she's, uh, in the hospital and, you know, uh, Cursie's trying to work with the cops, you know, that this detective comes in. He's like, you know, I've been trying to put him in jail for 16 years, Tommy O'Shea. And he's like, you've been failing for very long. Yes. Really, really good Bronson line there. Uh, we are told that even with facial reconstruction, Olivia will still look like a freak.

No, according to his, he's a freak. But no, this doctor is like, listen, Dr. Stewart, even with the best facial reconstruction. And he's like, damn it. But she looks exactly the same. There's got like marker lines on her face. So she got scratched by a tiger. Yeah. Which is fine.

Have you seen Frankenstein? No, the Robert De Niro one. Oh, yeah. Man, that movie. Mary Shelley. Oh, man. Oof, that's another Kenneth Branagh failure. No, thank you.

I didn't know he would yell at Kenneth Branagh today. And he directs boring movies. Like Thor. Yes, exactly like Thor. I'm agreeing with you. There is a great moment where he's in the hospital and he kind of just like takes a look around. And I think it's supposed to be the character like

just thinking about everything that's happening and what's to come. And he just lets out like a... And I'm like, that is a Charles Bronson like exhausted with doing these movies. sigh that's a real life sigh he didn't know the cameras were rolling I feel and then it cuts straight to him going home and going to his

fucking safe oh yeah and taking his gun the ceremonial gun hello ablonia that's right I named it after the chickadee from the godfather so we are

privy to some more torture of these poor employees of this fashion factory oh that's right so like poor albert by the way yeah his name is albert they are calling him fat alf sure fat albert through this whole movie this guy he's like wearing a wire from miguel sandival and and sol rubinac yeah and he like he tries to like elicit some information from the two italian hitmen and he does the worst job of all time he's like so guys uh any mafia business happening today i feel like that would be me man i would go down and instantly dude yeah

I'd be sweating so hard the fucking wire would start sparking that happens in something doesn't it? Sure. It happens every day.

No, I thought there was some like crime comedy or something where somebody sweats so much with the wire that like it just starts getting

like that's out. That smells of loaded weapon but I can't say for sure. Or Jay Moore's Mafia. Remember that one? Oh, I certainly do. Or the lives of others.

One of those. One of those three. One of those hilarious movies about wearing a wire. And yeah, so he's like, oh, you know, and they make him. The best thing is the guy in the fans, like,

oh, man, they made him already. Like, it was just, like, the worst record he's ever had. And so, like, there's this this partner that's with the other detective we've mentioned already, who starts, like, chasing after this fat guy, like, no, they've made you. And this dude, this Freddie Flakes, out of nowhere.

Amazing. Is driving this car. He just hits this dude. It's a trimmer's car, by the way. It does look like, Kramer's car. And instead of just like mowing this guy down, he like hits him just so that this dude comically flies through a restaurant window.

He's just like, he's just like flung, so it's like he's made out of rubber or something. It's amazing. It's like you hit a fucking sack of balloons. He breaks through the restaurant window and then he gets in there and like Kirby just sucks up all the food. The people

in the tables all of them. Yeah. And then the security 30 guard that tried to write the ship with this whole thing. He's on duty. And this guy's seen awkwardly like polishing the time clock, which is weird. And then the mafia walks in and they put his hands in like this iron press. Oh, yikes. And then they fucking jam his head into it. Press that down. This dude is on the floor. And then they shoot him in the head. You know what? Do me a favor. Shoot me in the head. You want to shoot him in the head. Just please just shoot me in the head. Hit me with a car if you want to hit me with a car. Yeah, knock me through a restaurant. a window. I don't care. So, like, we see the scope of, like, how far... These guys aren't just, like, you know,

you're run-of-the-mill mafioso. Like, these are real deal sadistic murderers. And at this point, they, you know, they realize, Bronson realizes that somebody's on, somebody's informing somebody. So he tells Saul Rubenek

in person, look, that, you know, she's going to go to the cops, but, you know, it's got to be secret. It's got to be her. her way. And then he tells Miguel and then Rubenek goes along to Miguel Sandoval, who's just at his house. This is a really weird like, I feel like we are trying to spread this movie out a little bit, like make it a little more of a feature length presentation. Yes, exactly. Because it's just like Saul Rubenek at home with his wife and son and then like Miguel Sandoval's over and like the

doorbell rings and Sandoval's like, oh no, this isn't one of your friends you're trying to set me up with again, is it? And I'm like, well, I don't give a fuck. Where is Charles Bronson murdering anybody. This is the lowest body count of all the death wishes. And the lowest kill count, too. You are tuning in to see murder. I wish for death. I am

wishing for death. They don't give me enough death. Oh, I thought you were saying like you were wishing, you were dead. Oh, yes. That's every way of these moments. No, no, no, that's just regular life. I was going to say the last like five or six are big ones, though. They go big in the end. It's not just, that's the thing. It's like,

Death Wish 3, it's a bunch of gun deaths. Nothing but gun debts and that great bazooka death. This one is almost like a slasher at the end. Like creative debts throughout. And that was, I think there was a rewrite on the screenplay by, the guy who directed this movie, he'd only directed like dramas before. He'd never directed an action movie, this Goldstein fella.

And so he punched up the script by like adding in some comedy to it. So that's why like there's that soccer ball gag later in the film. And I guess that acid pool I mean that is pretty hilarious Because they couldn't afford the guy Who did Lone Wolf McQuaid You know who produces this film Who's that?

None of the Damien Lee of Braxis Oh really? Yeah man Maybe he could have got You could have got Jesse in this movie See that's you get Ah so here's the thing Damien I hear you're producing

What's rumored around Hollywood To be the final death is With old Chuck B starring in the role, here's the thing. How about you get me cast as Chuck's buddy? And then it's like a passing of the torch kind of film. And then it's Death Wish Six, colon, body slam. And it's me looking at his gun and I just go, next time, baby. Right?

That'd be pretty sharp. This is what you do. He's like one of his students at architecture school. 60 is 50 years old And then a wall goes there And another wall And suddenly we have four walls Got it, Chief

Hey, Professor Stewart Just check it in to see How I'm doing in your skyscraper 201 class Does it need a roof? Do I, here's the thing When I'm building a building How many bathrooms will I need?

Do I need to know how many times people might go to the bathroom? How about no bathrooms? Yeah, take it outside, pal. Is it against the law to build a building without a bathroom? Hey, hey, Professor Stewart, I'm playing the Sims right now. And I got this guy all boxed in. He's going to die, buddy.

I forgot to give him a door. It's hilarious. No, actually, sir, you know, there are zoning rights in Riyadh. In SimCity, I understand. Oh, what's that? I flung down. That figures. When do I get a gun?

Yeah, and that's the thing. It's like he flunks out of architecture school, but Charles Brons is like, I got something else for you. Oh, yes. Vigilante school. My apprentice of death. You're a young 45-year-old man.

Oh, man, I wish I had your age and your looks. Whole death ahead of you. And when you inevitably lose. lose Charles Bronte and you can call it just vigilante school. Hey Chuck, before you go and I mean die and leave this mortal coil, could you leave me that head

of hair, pal? I mean, look what I'm doing here, buddy. I got a fucking skullet to beat the band wrapped into a rat tail for ages. You're three times my senior and somehow you've got the whole thing up there, man. I mean, we got matching mustache

so that's pretty cool. Oh man, rub them together. I'd rather make a wish. So she comes home from the hospital, and she's like, I'm never going to be the same again. My beautiful looks. There is a fucking bad line here, let me tell you. She's, like, looking in the mirror,

and he eerily comes up behind her, and she's, like, looking at her disfigured visage. Okay. And she goes, like, she goes, Paul, what do you see? And he's just like, I'm looking. at the woman I'm going to marry Oh nice

Like wow Dude look I don't listen You think those cuts are bad Look at my face Look at my first wife I look like a monster truck Ran over my face Now honey with all this

Don't you think you'd just rather be dead So that I can avenge Well she is not even home for fucking six hours when Kevin McDonald's cop comes calling. I think this is what it is, Chris. You know what it is? He's like, he's Paul Stewart, he's got Jesse Ventura as a student, he's just really

bored, he's like, I need something. Oh, this fashion designer. Her ex-husband is who? Okay. Oh, you think he's selected her? Oh, absolutely. That is a great twist. A long con. I love it. Oh, man. What a reveal.

Like there's just like shots of him at home with his like trigger finger, just like moving in the night like needs the boy needs the run I can't just kill somebody that would be murder I need someone

God you know I don't have any more old war buddies everyone in my family is dead no dogs yeah absolutely zero dogs thank God so yes Kevin McDonald's

Freddie Flakes comes in he pretends to be a cop Bronson figures out who he is and he's like Olivia run and she starts going She's like what Olivia

He just keeps happening Well this is what is so dumb Like it's like Ding dong Fucking serial killer at the door The mafia is doing a bad job Right here Because it's these two other

Like hoodlums Standing with their back To the door Like come on asshole Like everybody Pretend to be a cop Yeah So he realizes immediately

What the situation is And he starts going Olivia Olivia. And this huge fucking house, she's upstairs like, what, what was that?

What? Paul? What? It's the 1990s. Let me use my in-house intercom. Yeah, oh man, if only. Oh, shit, it's broken. They're always broken.

And he starts screaming. And like, of course, the fucking dudes on the other side of the door hear what's going on. Hey, buddy, what you know, professor, what you wanted to do is make the, make the ceilings a little higher

that way your voice will. carry. I learned that in my other classes. Oh, fuck. They design a death house together. Yes. Like Dr. H. H. H. Holmes. Death Wish Sixth Death House. Yes. Absolutely. Now we can be the devils in the White City,

buddy. Come on. Me and you, Prof. Let's do it. Open house. Oh, open the house? Yes. Built alasht. So these dudes start like blasting through the door. This is

obscene. these guys all have like machine guns and shotguns and they are firing at Charles Bronson and 70 years old and this is some fucking storm trooper type shit right they are missing him with every bullet this dude would be Swiss cheese and he's not he's like running and like I can't get a lock on him

no you can't drops his keys and runs back and they're still shooting at him he's fine boys shoot the ceiling it'll bounce down and hit him and um Olivia goes to the roof, and it's like the end of heat. There's all these, like, ducts that she's running past. And Freddie Flakes obviously shoots her. She falls, and now she's dead.

Oh, before she dies, she does say, I think it's right when the guys at the door is like, no matter what happens, you get Chelsea. And he's like, yeah, you got any documentation on that or what? It's going to be very difficult with me being a convicted murderer. Yeah, she's like, promise me you'll take care of Chelsea. He's like, uh, you go. it. Yeah,

yeah, you got it. I just have a cartoon idea of like the judge with the mound of murders of each man on the side of

it going up and up and up is like, okay, you have 173,000 you have 125,000 he goes to Michael Parks.

Did you guys notice there's one of two absolutely ridiculous henchmen in this movie henchman appearances the first one

is in this house raid scene where one guy, I think it's the guy with the shotgun is just growling. Oh my God, there's one guy. The end. This bald guy at the end. Dr. Claw guy. He's doing a

Dr. Claw impression. I'm like, what is that? That sounds like a cartoon dinosaur. You got it. Like this is weird like gravel. It's Cursey. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Just these two weirdo fucking hip men, dude. It's

bizarre. So he, she's dead. He does a jig. It's like, oh, right. back in business and ain't it grand lock and loathes so they put her in the ground and he can get to work uh and now and you as the viewer by the way are finally just like oh good death wish five is starting exactly you know what i mean like you are sitting through this fucking fashion show you could have fucking opened it on this funeral and we would be like yeah we got it because we know what's coming somebody's got to die for this to be engaged it needs to be like yeah maybe it's had There's a retirement community, somebody gets shot in the head.

Oh, man, Death Wish 5, Retirement Community. Death Wish 5, Colin Del Boca Vista. My wallet's gone. That's what starts it. Things got heated on the shuffleboard courts, and now there's a dead man, and he was my best friend. At that point, he's just a serial killer. I'm putting, like, poison in the chipped beef. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. I'm running security on the Cosmo Kramer for board presidents. Oh, and that at the end. And it just, it turns out like he had Alzheimer's the whole time. And it was like, oh, yes. Oh, all your guns. And it's just like Charles Bronson being gun fingers. Like, boom, boom, babing, bab bam.

Got you, nursemaid. Yes, you got me, Mr. Cursey. Look at you, beefy security guard. Finger blammo. Oh, you got me, cheat. They are all calling him cheese. Yes, exactly. So, yeah, she's dead.

He does a fucking amazing. before he realizes that she's been murdered and this is stunt double central obviously it's like Paul Cursey jumping off the roof of this building. Oh yeah. Oh fuck. Get out of town. He lands in a bunch of garbage bags. But come, he's 70 years old. Yeah. Like if my father did this, he's gone.

If anyone did this. But yes, but like both his hips are broken at this point. Easily. And I think they use the same stunt double for when she dies. Oh, yes. And they just changed. change the wick it'd be fine if narratively if his hips broke they could make like a murder wheelchair yeah oh shit it'd be like silver bullet with guns exactly

exactly like that uh so yeah she's uh laid to rest he takes uh custody of the girl temporarily because in comes Michael Parks and he's it's one of those like why why like you don't give a shit about this

girl he does say very pointedly like I she's mine and I own her kind of a thing. Right. And we get into Michael Parks a little bit. He's kind of a weird, like, a hip dude. Like, he's wearing, like, these, like, tinted sunglasses the whole time. He's got, like, a modern haircut.

You know who he looks like? He looks like Brian Cranston. Yeah, a little bit. He's got a real Cranston look in this movie. What do they do? The mafia? Their, like, what is their specific... You're never really told, but there's laundering involved at the fashion factory.

Of course. I don't know, like, where the money's coming from. You imagine it's... Well, we do see at one point, one of the two, like the second and third in command, like the brothers. We see one of the dudes is definitely like shaking down a businessman. So there's a lot of like protection money kind of thing. So that's at least part of it. I would wager gambling.

Some gambling receipts. I would say drugs, but there's not a lot of drug use in this. It's rigging dog racing. That's what it all is. See, the feds would never look into that. Exactly. He winds up taking control of her business, and, like, he's just getting blowjobs all day, I guess, is the idea. This is a weird scene where it's like, it's your standard midday fashion show while we're doing that stuff.

We get a little more nudity, and there's this woman who's like his girlfriend, and he's like, baby, it's showtime. And she's like, he's like sitting Spread Eagle with his fucking tan slacks. Suddenly, Andy Warhol comes out behind the bush with a camera. Yeah, yeah, go on, yeah. That actually makes sense because he can't get an erection. That's the whole point of this scene. Oh, he is quite flaccid. Oh, yeah, Andy Warhol presents flaccid.

Low box officer seats on that one. By the way, out front, while this whole horror is happening, out front, like, the fashion line has become like a hustler series. Yes, chain link. And there's a guy from the road to Wellville, like, horrid by it. The fashion editor of the Times has come to this warehouse Every week to write this shit up Well that's what's weird is at the beginning of the movie

Olivia definitely makes mention of like This is my annual My 10th annual fashion show And it's for charity and blah blah blah And then the very next week Michael Parks is turning it around And it's fucking Fredericks of Hollywood but harder And there's someone definitely makes mention of like Gee since Michael Parks took over this line

and he's making a lot of odd buys. But also, we didn't make mention of this the beginning. The fashion show at the beginning. It's terrible. It's terrible. The clothes are bad and the wigs that these women are wearing. It's like bad Halloween costumes. One lady, her legs, instead of wearing a dress, it's all just belts.

Did anyone see this? She's wearing multiple belts? You never wore belts for pants? Not yes. Like Rob Leifeld did design that. Huh? Yeah, it's a common. Is that the guy that does the big chests?

Yes, yeah. Yeah, I know that. 20 people are... 20 to 50 people. So his name is what now? Rob Liefel. And what does he do? He created Deadpool and created cable.

He creates... But what is his trademark was everybody's wearing a belt every which way but loose. It was a belts on your legs, belts on your arms. And there's all sorts of pouches. Yeah, he's terrible. His best work is belt man. You know, honestly, Google that image of Captain America he drew. Oh, yeah.

It's fucking... It's bone shards. He's juicing. Yeah, it's like his, I mean, the proportions are nuts. And that's like, he's made a career off that. The dude's a billionaire. I'm not going to throw rocks. Um, so, uh, but going back to the boner really quickly.

Sure. Or lack their own. He can't get an erection. And it's like, the movie is laughing at him. Like, ah, you fucking villain. You can't even get an erection. But you're pretend. But the inverse, you're telling me that Bronson's getting erections.

Like, are you kidding me? No. Yeah. Jesus. Eric has pulled up the Captain America photo It's quite silly It's just infamously bad It's as bad as anything's ever been

He looks like he has large breasts Is he drawn with a literal third leg Hell yeah man But yeah sorry No no but just like you're You're putting this guy down Like Bronson's fucking getting it up Without a goddamn car charger

Yeah Let me juice your balls there pal Hey is this for extra Extra credit or what? Yeah. Clear. They call me the spark that lit a thousand boners.

Let me just take this desk lamp, rip the wire out there, proff. You know, I was, you know, I'm glad that this is not a six-page paper, man.

I can't write to shit. Getting dick started, that I could do. That's a 69-page paper, man. Oh, well done. God damn it Oh, lick your thumb If you've got to turn my page

Oh, fuck Jesus Don't judge a book by its cover I mean, He does look like an old book, doesn't he? Yeah, he is a well-read book He looks like the Necronomicon at Evil Dead Like it's like without pages

That's what he looks like I am bound in human flesh And written in human blood If it was like left underwater for a year yeah that's probably yeah um so he started the first guy he kills is this italian guy chickie chickie this italian bakery his mama is there is a ma oh this is the sister and i got to tell you sister sorry no because it was infuriating please so it's they're supposed to be she doesn't have a rolling pin that's what it's you really it's not that cartoonish but so like yes

they have this bakery and whatnot and it's sort of been established that the bakery is like not a hideout but definitely a mafia hangout uh huh like totally Tony Soprano, like, sitting out in front of that deli and those plastic chairs, which, my God. That's got to get old. Satrials, man. But so, like, Bronson goes in. He orders a cup of coffee and a canoli there, you know. So then Chickie comes in, and he, like, Bronson taps, taps, like, puts a little, like, powder there.

Yeah. It's, what do they say it is? Cyanide. Sinai, yeah. On this dude's canoli. It looks like powdered sugar, though. Yeah. And so, well, the ridiculous part that I was trying to point out was like, Charles Bronson, like, goes up to the woman and he's like, hey, how about some more coffee? And she's like, okay, here you go. And, like, pours the coffee. And he's like, it's delicious. And she goes, oh, grazie. And I'm like, oh, okay, cool. Like, this is an older Italian woman. Fine. So then this dude starts choking on the fucking cyanide. And it's just like, oh, my God, chickie. He's choking. Someone gets some help. He's choking. And I was like, what about the grazie? that thing you did.

Oh, the accent, yeah. Yeah, your first fucking line of the movie, lady, you remember when you did that? It was like, Grazie, and you fucking trilled your tongue, you did the whole thing. Well, that's for the customer. Get that tip. See, that was the thing was, I had that thought.

I was like, maybe it's just like a put on. Nah, this movie's not that smart. Well, the dialogue coach was, there was a dialogue coach hired, but that person turned into the guy that had to wake up Charles Bronson. Oh, right. Shaker.

Excuse me, sir, you're on in five minutes. Get out. Come back in four You were supposed to be choking that guy You fell asleep again Come back with drugs So this this dude drops dead Bronson does have a Bronsonian line here

Oh it's something like tastes great There's something like that And just like pushes this dude's face down Into this canoli Yeah so this dude dies Cut to the front page of the paper It just says canoli caper and by the way

Bronson is just there in this cafe with him he would think you might notice he's as obvious looking as anything as like okay like give me the California all right so to the sketch art is like get the California raisins

but he's got a mustache no no no wait wait wait it's like a kebler elf but he's like really tired his hair line like starts at his eyebrows for some reason it's like kind of a wide mustache but some of that might be dust

sleepier no sleepier okay so then the next thing is obviously Freddie Flakes we go to Chickie's funeral and Freddie Flakes is like oh you know you guys don't have any home security systems

I can't believe this you know when I go home it's like I'm in the wall oh that's a gross thing that this dude says oh Michael Parks is just like you know I don't need protection or whatever and this dude's like protection. By the way,

the reason they call this dude Freddie Flakes Oh, that's right. It's very important. Oh, man, is because he has, apparently like across the criminal underworld famously bad dandruff. Famously bad. It's worked its way into his nickname. All the other criminals know what's going on with that scalp.

I think that's why he kills so many people in so many interesting ways. He's dying for a new nickname. You know what I mean? It's like, Freddy kills a lot. Yeah, well, that's... Freddy kills a lot. If you have to do that, Dick Tracy rules apply. All of them have to have names like that.

Michael Parks has to have a fucking... That's exactly right. It's like two Italians, an Irish boss, and then fucking Freddie Flakes. Come on. Hey, Freddy Flakes is me, Flat Dick. I'm your boss, Flat Dick. And Canoli Mouth is the other guy? Canolay mouth is definitely the other guy, yeah.

Also, by the way, drink every time they say chicky in this movie. Thank God that dude gets wiped out. And then the... a big boomer because his heart is like he has heart attack something like that who has a heart attack the other guy the older

oh he's got blood pressure yeah blood pressure problems yeah totally but I just feel like you know you're in the gang you know you're like you're coming up and then like he's like hey Freddy Flakes over here and then oh man who told you

and they're like yeah it's obvious well also like if people are calling you fucking Freddy Flakes like you must not be that terrifying yeah which is stupid because this dude's like the serial killer of the group. Yeah, he's the scariest one. And now his dandruff problem is very real life based

apparently for him. It's something he struggles with all the time because his lady friend, they go back to the house. Yeah. And he gets a nice big old Selson Blue session. They're in the bathtub together and she's rubbing, I believe it's

Celsen Blue all over his head. It's this blue shampoo. If this is true, that my father once bought and I've used it in the 90s and it was crazy. And it stung like it's stung, dude It fucking stung It was like God damn

Like I don't know Methanol or something I mean yeah Yeah yeah It was one of those like Oh fuck It's the last resort

Shampoo bottle Like you're like Oh fuck there's your name of it Well that's what Your head's last resort All the people who were melted From the street trash serum This is the first stock of Celsin Blue

That it sucked And when you realized all the other bottles were empty. He was like, oh, fuck me, Seltz and Blue, God damn it. And you're just screaming in the shower because it hurts. Yeah, it's no good.

Why is it erotic? Well, I guess it's just, you know, you guys idioticry. Well, it doesn't have to be erotic. That's the thing is I kind of thought Freddie Flakes was the most like connectable character because they have this like nice time at home. Like him and his wife seem to have a nice relationship.

That is a great point, Chris, because he seems to be, these are the most normal people in the movie, more normal than Paul Cursey. And actually, because he's, the cross-dressing comes back because she's, like, wearing a tight outfit. It's like, oh, you think I could think it would fit on me? It's like, oh, that's a nice little relationship. Oh, I missed that line entirely. Yeah.

And she's like, no, it won't. Like, you know, they're all, everything's out in the open. Everybody's happy with each other. That is so sweet. They're taking a bath together, waiting for a chicken to roast in the oven downstairs. Are they cooking a chicken? I don't know. With some fennel and potatoes probably.

But they're also talking shit about Michael Parks. Like, I don't know what he's doing. He's like a mean asshole. Like, what does he make me do this for? Like, he's actually. The hero of the film. Relatable. He's so relatable.

Yes. And then by the way, while this is happening, Paul Cursey is going through. Paul Stewart. Paul Stewart. Sorry, Professor Paul Scarce. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just another guy with his same first name and the same profession. Totally.

He kept the mustache. He kept the mustache. Great point. Like, you're fucking whatever that in plain sight show, remember that USA show that man? you're my mary or whatever the hell her name was oh uh oh right uh was that not the woman from private park it was the same woman yeah yeah whatever she is your fucking case officer is like all right so architecture is out you know what i mean like maybe you can work construction kind of same sort of situation get him a job at a gun range yeah that's a good point why not just like a target range kind of a thing first things first the mustache has to go. That's absolutely. That is

an iconic mustache. If you had to go to a sketch artist, it's like, what did this dude look like? The first thing after old football is he had a mustache. So, by the way, Paul Cursy. Paul Stewart, Paul Cursey, while these normal people

are doing their thing. Yeah. Totally normal person, Paul Stewart, is going through a toy store trying to find the thing that's best for bombs. And this is what's amazing. Like, you have to about this for a second because he what he winds up doing is he buys this like weird robot controlled

soccer ball and he puts a bomb in it and blows this dude up right that's how that's how uh freddy flakes meets his end backtrack to him in this toy store he's walking around going I want to give this guy a toy that I've put a bomb in what like if you if you think backwards

the steps that leads him to doing this what the fuck this movie is about a man with a gun going around and doing stuff. Get this fucking home alone shit out of here. This is because Bronson didn't want to do any stunts. Or like any kind of like moving around like this is just oh I'm driving a little thing around

Kaboom bam. Wasn't there pretty heavy today? Was it after? I think we talked about this when we did Death Wish 3 but wasn't he like upset about like he had been tired of being like the murder guy? Yeah. For a while now. I mean

I know he did the fourth and the fifth one against, like, it was out of money issues. Well, the fourth one, he's definitely still just running around with guns. There's no fucking robotic soccer balls on that movie. This is why it's a new turn for Death Wish, you know? It's exciting. We're seeing a different side of Paul Cursey now. And it's fucking weird, dude.

He goes up to, like, the cashier. And this guy's like, oh, well, that's a sweet toy. Played by the director, I believe. No, is that right? Oh, is it. According to the Tribune, anyone. Hey, Damien, look, this is my last ditch effort. Can I play the fucking cash?

Oh, who's playing the cashier? Oh, well, that just fits, doesn't it? That fits nice and sweet, buddy. Hey, Damien, thanks a lot, pal. Thanks a lot for looking out for old Jesse. That's the worst case of nepotism I've ever seen. I mean, the cashier has the same name as the director. What is that?

His cousin, his brother? And, man, he must... You know, I struck out on Freddie Flakes. I understand why I'm not Freddie Flakes. I get it, Damien. Real funny, pal. It's your scalp's falling off. They got a scalp.

Hey, I still got a scalp day. Just saying. The macho man didn't get that. I'll tell you that much. Lord, he tried. I can't believe I'm not in this movie. Like, he's watching. I could fucking, God damn it.

He looks exactly like the Dr. Claw guy. Yeah, he does. Yes, you're totally right. And you know what? That adds a little something to your movie, man. That's a little cachet right there. You're like, oh, fuck, Jesse the Body Ventura. Okay.

But you could do Bronson V Ventura. You could build it up a little bit. Oh, if he was the park's character. Or no, just one of the number two, you know what I mean? That would also work. I will take any one. You can play any role. I'm the little girl.

Oh, no, my mother died. Oh, yes, I am your daughter, Chelsea. Hey. I'd be into it. Mm-hmm. So, but no, very importantly, so the soccer ball goes on his property, Freddy Flakes has a security system, and he's like, huh, it's just a soccer ball. So it goes to take it's a gosh darn kid. And it's the best line in the second best line of the whole movie, which is Bronson being like, hey, Freddy, I can solve your dendruff problem. And he blows him to sky high. And this is a great explosion. This is an a plus. Yes. Because it's a dummy, and you see the front of the dummy explode. Yeah, it's pretty great. It also, like, the effect is. kind of so cheap, it could also be a kid's in the hall sketch.

And this dude is running around. They're right off the road, by the way. It's where in Canada. He's like, he is just fucking screaming on fire. Oh, it's awesome. And his wife, his wife is the only one who, like somebody who's died that she loves and she's actually

showing it. I don't think Paul Stewart like cries once for his wife. No, he doesn't. You know, that's weird. I mean, I don't kind of, maybe I'm not remembering the movie properly. We see every mafia guy's funeral but I don't believe we see her funeral

right? Who's funeral? Olivia's. Oh, there's no time for that. She was thrown in the garbage. But like we go to Freddie we go to Chickie's funeral.

We go to Freddie Flakes' funeral. Right. Well, I think it's because those are all Catholics. Oh, I see. You know, like we're having the big fucking mass for these mafios.

I mean, I think she was just fucking cremated and put in the acid pool or cremated by acid pool. That's that. Oh, maybe she stipulated that or we're like, I would like to be buried in my acid, Bav. And also, big, massive, I have to say, continuity error right here.

Oh, my. In the fifth death wish movie, I couldn't even believe it. You'd think they had continuity down at this point. But Freddie Flakes is in that tub with the fucking disgusting Celtsin Blue in his hair. And the alarm goes off and he's like, oh, fuck. And he gets out of his bath with this shit in his hair, runs immediately outside. That fucking shampoo is nowhere to be. found his hair is completely dry.

Come on, movie, come on. Like, at least have him like a quick dunk, just to get that shit out of there. Do you need to see the dunk, Andrew? I need to see something, man. He can't come out with a dry head of hair. Yeah, that's a good point. It's a bad mistake.

The next... Dandre problem. There's a great scene around here where Michael Parks' lady friend serves them canoleys and flips the fuck out. He starts just throw throwing canolies around his own house. That's when you're rich, Eric.

You want to know when you're rich is when you are throwing canolies in your house with abandon. Yeah, man. You're not even worried if you're going to, like, hit a vase or anything. I couldn't imagine being that rich. Like canoly tossing rich?

Not only tossing a cannolly, but wasting a cannolly. Canylis are good. Do you remember how Freddie, how chickie died? He starts throwing it at her. At this point, the older guy is like, hey, I kind of don't want to be.

and the mafia no more, which is what you never say. Don't say that. Famous last words, man. You just if you want to leave the mafia, you leave the mafia. Oh, in the middle of the night. Yes, with the clothes on your back. Right. And you got to turn states evidence, man. Oh, yeah.

You got to be eating, egg noodles and ketchup like a snuck. That's what you're going to wind up doing. Here's the thing, because you can't just run away. They will find you. You're not good enough to hide on your own. Nobody is. Well, if you do, you should change both your first and your last name. Yes. And you definitely have to become like a fisherman or something like do the thing that you always told those dudes publicly

that you hated like oh oh i can't believe uh i could never be a fisherman look at the job they do those guys are the real heroes you should definitely set this up why when you join the mafia plan you're out if you need it not to say that you'll use it but start shit talking a profession right out the game i would never have a podcast all those fucking podcasters marron those lazy these sons of bitches. Bad movies. I hate them. Watch good movies. What do you sit around watching bad movies?

Well, watch a good movie. Realistically, though, you can never escape the mafia. No, it's a bad idea. And they're going to find you. They're going to get you. And by the way, it's quickly disclaimer, we've been talking trash about this Mickey Mouse mafia in this movie. We are pro-mothia.

Oh, of course. Of course. Even some really well-organized biker games. I mean, they, well, some of them protect us better than the cops. But this motherfucker isn't mean streets. He's 52-year-old man who's lived his entire life as a mobster and now has to take fucking high blood pressure pills

three times a day. Because, see, in the natural course of the mobster, now he should be replaced by a different mobster. You know, as a mobster. It should naturally work itself out. Unless you're the boss, you're not supposed to live that long. But also, this is a good point, Chris, because this guy, like, he's like,

Oh, you know, I can't, you know, ever since chicky died, I wanted out, blah, blah, blah. The problem is he's still a goon. He's like a 55, you know, you look around, all your other friends are capos, you're still a goon. Big problem. This dude, this dude has just been fucking failing, man. Passed over and passed over. If you don't get promotion at that point, I say, you take this guy down to Staten Island, put him on a trash flow, and fucking send him out into the fucking river and have it be fucking done with. Yep, no, that's what it is.

That's a mafia retirement. die eventually and all will be fine. At some point, Charles Brownson murders Miguel Sandoval like brutally. Yeah, because Miguel Sandoval's in on it, obviously. He's the one that rated out and told him about Olivia and

he winds up, he thinks he gets to drop on Curson, he's like, damn, Cursley, I didn't think it would be this easy. And then he gets shot in the chest like three times. It's fucking brutal, man. It's all while Charles Bronson is like looking at this raggedy an doll. And I was like, you're going to put bombing that now you fucking weirdo

he's just like is this me is this a mirror I'm also little and ragged I thought this doll was me he does like a fucking gun under his armpit move too not bad guess what you know when you say damn percursy I didn't think he'd be this easy after you shoot him in the fucking head

yep that's exactly right don't say that and wait for 30 seconds it doesn't count as getting the drop on someone if you talk shit Before getting the drop on someone. Get them in the ground first. God, and Miguel Sandoval's like a fucking cop. Come on, man. Oh, you know what?

I hate comic books. I would never run a comic book store. That's fucking crazy. That's for a bunch of macabones. Eat pizza for a living. Not going to do it. Ever. What a waste of time.

Oh, man. If we could retire on that. What pizza champions? He retired as he lived. to pizza champion. We've won all the Papagino's competitions back in the 90s. Maybe that's our next podcast, pizza champions.

Oh, shit. Yeah. A little pizza podcast. I would do that. I would do that. So there's a dumb gag where there's like another mafia funeral. So many.

This little, I guess he's like a little mafia junior kind of kid like runs into the church. Oh, right. The gag is like all these dudes at this poorly attended funeral, by the way all like whip out guns in church and the priest is pathetically trying to like keep everything together

and he's like my children no not in the house of God I was like dude you are fucking officiating a mafia funeral get used to it now this is the same church that fucking bad lieutenant had his incident in it so like just fucking let it go so kind of the last sort of act of this movie so Chelsea gets kidnapped by Michael Parks and that's what kind of turns, forces Bronson's hand

right? There's no other kills right until the end. There's no other kills Bronson leaves his calling card which is he somehow gets the corpse of Miguel Sandoval in a huge crate Oh right. Has it shipped to the warehouse and it's like two mafia

from your secret admirer and they open this box and Sandoval like falls out dead and you're like all right And then, like, it's kind of great because Michael Parks is like, oh, look at that, look at that. All right, just ship him off to Jersey. Oh, yeah.

I was like, yeah, okay. Makes total sense. Get him out in the Meadowlands, man. So, uh, bring him to Tony. It's the middle of this movie, the ending of the climax of this movie. I don't know what this movie is in love with the afternoon for.

I have no idea. Because it's, dude, you don't have to use as much artificial light. It's also in between naps. The early, not be missing the early bird special that's right dude he was at the sizzler at 5 30 every fucking day here's my coupon now get out of my way i'll take the usual oh man the usual at the sizzler that's sad fucking five days a week dude hey you didn't give me a butted roll you might make you might be in the next death wish picture but seriously get me another buttered roll

I'm only so patient So he starts infiltrating this place Michael Parks has like Prepared another crew of goons That he like brings up to this office area Did you notice this? So these like these two hit men One of which is the Jesse Ventura looking Dr. Claw guy

Come in and he's like All right boys take your pick of all these guns Ha ha ha ha and they're like loading up And it appears as if Michael Parks Has been like hotboxing this office Did you notice this like the set is totally smoked out? Oh really? Was that just your living room?

No, because I was watching this at work. It's just weird. Like, he's sitting there. He is smoking a cigarette. But, like, there's this haze over the room. And I was like, what the fuck's he doing in there? He's got those tinted glasses. There's only one reason to wear tinted glasses.

And we know what the deal is, Stanley. You're smoking a J, my friend. Oh, exactly. So I was smoking a J with Charles Broxon. And I thought, hey, architecture is cool. Now I'm an architect. I was smoking a jail with Charles Bronson. I was like, are you an inflated E.T?

I almost choked on beer. I was smoking a joint, and Charles Bronson came by. I was like, ooh, gargoyle man. Here he comes. It's a gargoyle man. Look out, everybody. Here comes a gargoyle man. Get out.

So what part of New York will you be from? Ah, you look like a hell's kitchen kind of guy. You like Daredevil, Charles? Yes. How did fucking Stanley outlive Charles Bronson? My God. That's a great question. That is a great question.

And, you know, again, as we have to say, as of the time of this recording, is February the 20th, 2018. Stanley is still famously still alive. And if it's a few months after that, he has passed. We understand that We know how death works Not for Stan Lee, man He buried him all

No, he's dead nailed all Like if you're listening to this in the future This is a back catalog episode Death I created the Reaper So I'm smoking a jay with a dirty black rag And I said hey put this on a skeleton And you got yourself a grim reaper

Oh fuck Yeah, so Charles Bronson invades this warehouse for the final showdown. Yeah, and like, you know, he shoots up a bunch of the Dr. Claw guy's like, let's get him. It's like, it's so weird. It's insane. This, this Alan Goldstein needed to call cut immediately to be like, sir, sir, sir, stop it. Whatever you're doing, stop it.

It's too late in the movie. We do not need this. Like, I fucking talk to you at your audition. I know you don't sound like that. Stop it. Stop that. He's hitting him with a newspaper. It's just, it's so distracting.

Everyone else is talking like a human being. And this guy's like, get back here, Kersie. You're like, what the fuck? Is that guy the main villain? Exactly. He doesn't last long either, doesn't? No, he doesn't immediately. He gets shot.

Bronson lets this like, like, forklift just fly through all of these containers and shit. And of course, it's a mannequin driving. They lay waste to this. thing. There's like a fucking grenade launcher. It is, it's all in this warehouse that's supposed to be like, what, down on 7th Avenue? Yeah. Okay. And the

best part is, he's shooting up these dudes. One guy gets shot into an electric fence. Yeah, he gets the Max Trek. Where is this, what is a max, what is an electric fence and why is there an acid vent? And why is there a gigantic human-sized treader?

Yeah, oh, that's a great question. This guy, Sal or whatever. Yeah, Sal's great. It looks like a machine to make to make like those boxing bags. Yeah, yeah. Like hidden bags? Oh, like it would like stuff a punching bag?

Yeah. I don't know what the fuck this thing is. Because I think that's another way you get rid of mannequins. Like, let's retire this mannequin. Shred. So I would, oh man. What's the acid for? Also that. Okay. I've got a lot of fucking mannequins. You listen, you shred them.

And then you melt down the shreds. This makes no sense. sense. You'd make more money selling those mannequins as sex dolls or whatever. Oh, yikes. That's a rough fuck, dude. I'm going to use a little bit of the acid to burn a hole in it, you know,

for the dicks. Got it. Is the pool full of piranha also for the mannequins? Yes, that's right. Here's something. I will starve in the street and die before my job is the guy that destroys

the mannequins. No way. I don't You think you're getting cursed? Yeah, I don't know. There's a misrep. All I'm doing every day is destroying something with eyes and a face and I'm just thrown it into a chipper. Steve, Steve, Steve, the trick is you just don't look at it. Oh, okay. Put him in face first.

No, here's the scary thing. It's like you're about to throw it in there. What if it grabs you? Yeah, exactly. You're working by yourself? What if it's a mannequin from the movie mannequin? Oh, fuck. Kim Cottrell just gets shredded.

And be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself. You would be excited when you got to throw the mannequin into the lava pit. Yes, I would. Of course I would. Now it's a lava bit. I just think they have all of these. Wait, I think this takes place.

This takes place in Darth Vader's castle. I don't think it's a fashion warehouse anymore. I think it's a Bond villain warehouse. Oh, it absolutely is. Outfitting. So yes, he kills all these goons. He wraps one dude up in like saran wrap. This is, this dude was wrecked while this was happening.

And this could have been, you know, I could also, I certainly could be wrapped in a saran wrap. Wouldn't be the first. time buddy remember summer slam 87 wrapped up good at that after party remember the abraxas party holy shit hey damien remember at the abraxas rap party when we all got super wasted in that town in canada and just started wrapping each other up in saran wrap i didn't tell anybody at the time but i was so fucking horny this is what he thinks safe sex is like the naked gun but no but the best part is this guy's a big beef cake is enormous he wraps him in saran wrap and he's like please don't kill me

and he gets whatever piece of information needs to get from him and he the tiniest charles bronson picks this guy up and lifts like it's like he's oh well he's in saran rep so he weighs less like no absolutely not saran rep functions just like water he fixes him out puts him out like a meat hook or something like he's fucking leather face are you kidding me And you can see the big fucking dude. Yep, here it comes. It's like a motorized thing for coats and stuff,

which obviously could support a 250-pound man. Of course, dude. Why not? Lifted by an 150-pound 70-year-old. And so this is the part where he runs into Sal. This is where he, I don't know if he's got a good quip, but he does throw him into this fucking wood chipper. Not before, by the way, because it's fucking amazing.

Our friend that is wrapped in plastic is going. around. We cut away to like the little girl tries to make a break for it. Michael Parks gets her immediately. We cut back Sal like gets into the warehouse and this dude is strung up like the fucking mothman prophecy. And Sal's was like, what the hell is that?

And just he shoots this dude dead. And you ghost. Oh no, one of the mannequins came alive. Come alive, go blam. My greatest fear realized. Blamo. He's dead. Wrapped in plastic. I would say one of my favorite parts of this movie

is when like after all the Goon's diet's Michael Parks. He's on a, he's on a walkie talk. He's like, Billy, Johnny, Ricky, Tommy, Teddy, gravy. Like, he just keeps going on and on and on. Amber Thompson. Scooter Morgan. I've always positive if you went back and watched it. Like, he says some more names than there were dudes there. Like, or maybe it was some guy went to get a smoke break or something. Like it was just like, Tommy, Davey, you know, going on and on and on. So, yeah, so then Bronson comes in and gets in a fight with a. Sal, and he throws Sal into this fucking person juicer. Man. This dude gets it. It's a good one, too. You see, like, the bits of the guts kind of happening. He gets thrown in, like, the

pieces are in this, like, huge cheesecloth sack. Yeah, this is not a... It's not a... It's not a... It's not a... The Exterminator kill. Yes. Well, speaking of death-wish and fucking Eli Roth, man, that's a fucking hostile death. So you think it's going to be a lot of that? Torturing people?

probably you do see in the trailer the overly long trailer where he like oh i haven't seen it he puts some guys under a car and he's like hey man you can't do this and he gets crushed by a car cool hey cool it's just like and it's just i don't know fucking bruce willis with that baby head he's got these days boy do i hate bruce willis like just get a beard maybe get the mustache like some defining feature other than this weird baby head just stop making these movies you idiot like i mean he's terrible he is terrible and it's they're all the same kind of movies and like he's terrible in him of course he's terrible in them but like it's just the same thing over and over and nobody wanted this deathwash nobody nobody and it couldn't be like a more tone deaf time yep like it's just and you know people

are going to be watching it for all the wrong fucking reasons god damn it god damn this movie i got an invite to the trade screening i deleted it immediately maybe it's going to be great you know what guys maybe it's going to be great you have you should bear witness though that's what that's what I mean I'll probably bear witness at some point but like fuck you I'm not taking time out of work to go see that bear what was a fucking reanimator? Bear witness to the horror

that would be pretty great actually uh yeah so that dude's dead and turned into pig food what I lose track because the end of the movie happens very quickly yes what happens to Chelsea I don't think you see her at the end of the film she is yes she is indeed save

okay she gets in custody of that cop who's like not a character he kind of took Alan Alda a little bit a little bit yeah and he comes in and he's like hey what's going on in here and Michael Park shoots him immediately does not kill him but this dude goes down

and then it's just Bronson v. Parks and the first thing he does which is so gruesome to look at is put the bottle in his face Bronson puts the bottle in Park's face with a broken bottle yeah that's cut in his face yeah that's the eye for an eye like this is for Olivia

which like he makes no mention of no no by the way he had this broken glass like two deaths ago. He was planning this all out man. Dude, it's a long ton, totally. Hold on, I got to check my inventory. Oh, there's Chelsea. Here's the broken bottle.

All right. Here's my healing potion. There's my I guess stepdaughter. I got a rune stone if I want to transport back to California. I can't believe they make me take up a spot in my inventory for the map that I'm mandated to have anyway.

What a design floor in this game. I'm going to have to drop the soldier's gun and get the general's gun. I only do quests in the afternoon. I'm not using that candle. They'll give you a little candle. I'm not using that little candle. Oh, no, the lights went out in the fashion factory. You sure could have used that candle.

Oh, this a sizzler coupon will come in handy for my sizzler quest. Have dinner with a bunch of NPCs. Half is inventory, sizzler coupons. No, I won't get rid of them. I've been holding on to this ancient gear for five days now. Isn't it stupid that I keep updating my armor, but I look the same? Like, what the hell? If the armor is different, I should look different.

He's always in leather armor. Yeah. He's shirt. Face armor. And then he basically says, You need a bit. Oh, yeah, he does. You knew this acid pit was coming back.

Of course. And I got to tell you something. We watched this movie circa 2002. This was like the early seeds of We Hate movies. Steve and I, freshman year, we sat around, we watched all these Death Wish movies and just fucking made fun of them the whole time.

And I remembered the end of this movie correctly, and I couldn't even believe it, the fucking years of alcohol abuse. I remembered that Michael, Parks fell in a fucking bad of acid. It's a great one man. It's pretty great. He's fucking screaming around in there like Jason Voorhees at the end of that

first one. And you see the body deteriorate which you totally do. Pretty decent effect. It's not bad. You know, the death effects are pretty good. Yeah. No, I think for what this movie is. For the last couple ones, that's what I like, it's weird that like, yeah, his laziness actually made them have to be creative. Like, so they

actually thought of like weird ways to kill him. Yeah, but like this movie then needed just be repurposed as like the runway Avenger or something. A horror movie. Like that's what it should be. Or yeah, the runway killer. Yeah. Something. Oh, no, I'm the runway killer. Oh, I'm the killer. Oh, cool

twist. Oh, wait, the people are in the airplane and I'm just standing on the runway. What am I doing? Killing the runway. So, but then like this cop wakes up. He's not dead and he's like, ah, you made short work of this whole gang. And he's like, I sure

did. Hey, am I in it? You're going to say, may in like any trouble or what? This is awesome. It's kind of like you hit, you tapped a car and you're like, what are we going to do? Can I just leave you $200 and walk away? I don't want to get the cops involved. But it's weird because this dude is like, nah, nah, I'll take care of it again. If you're going to allow that open fucking bath of acid, this is going to happen.

I mean, if you sign off on it, I feel like it can't be a crime. somebody dies in it. But that's a good point, Chris. How do you take care of it? Ah, mass suicide. This guy jumped in the wood chipper. These guys shot each other. This guy wrapped himself

with saran wrap, Frico. And this guy jumped in the ashes. Or you just invent, like, oh, it was the Punisher. He was prickly in and out. I didn't get a good look at him. Speaking of fucking scraping your face across a broken mirror. Oh, right.

Into that first season, pretty cool. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how you work. Maybe it's a thing. where you'll like pin it all on like one dude and then that dude came after you and you pushed him in the ass hey you know what uh what if chelsea

did it yeah she's a minor oh yeah she'll get off scot free she was upset about the death of her mother whatever you do Chelsea don't say it was slender man here I'll take you out of my inventory I think I saw that

those girls are doing time oh yeah of course they're in jail for for life almost. Is that right? Yeah. Good for them. Yeah. Don't fucking stab people.

Here's a tip. Don't believe in the Slender Man. Great tip. What are you going to believe everything you read on the internet? Like the news? Hashtag fake Slender Man. So, but the last line is,

it's... Batman ending. Oh, it's great. Yeah, you're totally... He's just walking down a hallway and the guy's like, well, what if I need you or something? And he's like, yeah, whatever.

Like, I don't even know what his last item. Hey, give me a call for a sequel set up. Yeah. But, no, he basically references, like, something from that hospital exchange when he's like, it fucking took you 16 years to continue failing. Oh, right. Yeah. He's like, give me a call if you need any help.

Fucking freeze frame on him in silhouette walking out the door. Nice. What you're going to want to do is make a sign that you can put up into the sky of burnt scrambled eggs. With a mustache. Then I will know. Or bearing that, if it's around November, December, put an old jack-o-lantern on the roof of the police station. It's like the X-Files, putting the X on the window.

But make sure it's before 5.30 because I go to bed at 6. So those are the business hours. Man, going to bed at 6 p.m. That's living. That is living. You hit the dinner special at Perkins at 5, home and in bed by 6. Oh, God. Oh, God, eating at Perkins.

Oh, God, you just gave me fucking family vacation road trip flashbacks. It's not a good one. No. So that's Death Wish 5, the face of death. Would anybody recommend it? No. I don't, I really don't like these movies. Like, yeah, I don't even like the first one that much.

Most contrarian film critic. In the world. Yes, I'm the first one to say that the rest are bad. Hey, he did make the top 10, though. Yeah, I have to do a little bit, I guess. I mean, it's, but, like, of course, I had fun watching it, so I guess I have to have a light recommend. I got a kind of strongish recommend.

I remember watching this. Like, I had, like, dinner plans, and this kind of came up on TV, and I was really late to dinner. It was just like, oh, I want, this is the ass. acid one, right? Ooh, and I was like, it was one of those things where it's like, it takes me 20 minutes to get there. What if I leave? Or, you know, I got to be there in 20 minutes.

It takes me two. It's a five minute walk, like one of those situations. Listen, but this is what's great about that, dude. The thing in this town, man, that you can skate by on all the time. God, the fucking trains. Oh, the trains. Let me tell you about the trains. It's not the acid that.

Yeah. Well, and you can just watch Death Wish till the cows come home. Or they stop in the middle of the street and you had to charge your phone for a while. One of those charging posts that I'm sure Hacks your phone. Or just say I had to take a shit. Yes, also. My theory in life. This is a light to know recommend for me.

Because I will say watch the first four instead. The first four are much better. They do go down that ladder. I should think three is probably the second best. I would say, yeah, I was going to say it's like a one, three, two, four, five for me. That sounds about right. Yeah, nah, I'm not a death wish completist. I think it's fine.

If you are a Parks completeist, a Michael Parks completest, watch this movie. He's the only good part of it. But you know what? There's like, like we said, there are tons of other Charles Bronson movies that are just Death Wish under different names. Yes, yeah. 10 to Midnight is a fucking crazy one. Murphy's Law was great.

I just watched. That's fantastic. Assassination, my fucking God. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. The Great Escape. Once Upon a Time in the West.

Yeah, there you go. So that is Death Wish 5, the face of death, directed by Alan A. Goldstein. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at HeadGum.com. Rate and review the show, wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. Austin, March the 10th, 7 p.m. We are coming to your town. We are talking about Maximum Overdrive. Headgum.com.

Click on the live tab for ticket information. It's a real shame that we only put out four episodes in February. You know, it's February is over. We only put a four-hour episode. I wish there was something that could be done about that. Wait, what? I'm just being handed

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WHM podcast and Facebook.com slash we hate movies. What are we doing next week on the program proper? Listener request month begins properly with the jerky boys. Oh shit. Talking Prank phone calls talking about movies that had no business getting made with the Jerky Boys film.

So until next week, when we kick off Listener Request Month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Out of order, Stephen Sadek. Eric Sisko always last. Take it easy. podcast.