We Hate Movies - S8 Ep346: Episode 346 - I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

Episode Date: March 15, 2018

On the latest episode from the 2018 Listener Request Month selections, the gang talks about the absolutely terrible horror sequel, I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer! Who in the world thought taking this franchise in a paranormal direction was a good idea? Couldn't they cast a single notable actor in this film? And who were these kids trying to prank? PLUS: President Barack Obama does the right thing and outlaws Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar."  I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer stars Brooke Kevin, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter, Seth Packard, K.C. Clyde, Clayton Taylor, Michael Flynn, and Don Shanks; directed by Sylvain White. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now, on today's program, this dreadful listener request month continues with another wretched, wretched horror sequel. It's, I'll always know what you did last summer. Good God. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the fine program, as always. Like we said, above the theme song, we're talking. I'll always know what you did last summer from 2006, directed by Sylvain White. And this is a movie that wasn't even worthy of doing on a Tuesday. That's why it's coming out on a Thursday. You know what I mean? You're not a Tuesday movie.

You're totally a Thursday movie. It is awful. So before we get into it, we got a credit. Who's to blame for this? This is Daryl from Washington. He had this to say. It's Daryl from Washington State. I'm calling a request 2006s.

I will always know what you did last summer. A garbage sequel that has nothing to do. with the first two and would probably work better as the an urban legend sequel. And if you don't do this, I'll have to wait next year for your 10-year rule to request the epic long piece of

shit, Mr. Nobody. Don't make me request Mr. Nobody or I'll know what you didn't do last March. Uh, yep, so here we go. This movie shouldn't have been an I know what you did movie, right? This should be...

The ididoverse. Let's just establish it. The Ididoverse, that's very true. It should not have been part of the Ididiverse. I guess originally, like, they were trying to get Brandy, Freddie Prince, and Jennifer Love back to do this movie. What a shock that fell through. Had Ghost Whisperer already stormed the gates? Oh, by 2006, that's a good call.

It might have been, wait, was the client list happening yet? No, this is pre-client list, I think. But yeah, you're right, this is probably Ghost Whisperer territory, and I wonder, because this movie had to have been filmed in Toronto, or around Canada, right? I'm smelling Canada. I thought this was shot in purgatory. Ghost Whisper started in 05, by the room.

Okay, so yeah, that makes complete sense. But this movie is set in Colorado. So, I mean, I don't know where it's shot necessarily, but I just think it's insane that they moved from, what was it, like South or North Carolina to Colorado with the fishermen in a landlocked stage. We're in the mountains now. It will make sense, Eric, when you find the twist at the end.

Right. And by the way, do not tweet at me that you have rivers. Yes, shut up. I'm aware. With your rivers. Oh, and you know what? If you're going to tweet about lakes, we got that covered. Here's the thing.

This should be called, I know what you did last summer. I'll always know what you do last summer, colon, cold, cold summer. It looks freezing this entire movie. It really does. By the way, just to confirm. this was filmed on location in Utah. Yeah, but it's set in Colorado. That's correct.

Which also just set it in Utah. Like, it doesn't matter. Is Colorado a sexier fucking at this time? Yeah, I think so. You know what? It didn't have it legal yet, so I don't know. It doesn't matter, dude. There is nothing less sexy than Utah.

See, listen, it's name recognition because you say Utah. Everyone's like, oh, the Mormons. And now that I know this was filmed there, and I'm remembering the looks of all these kids in this movie. I'm like, holy shit, it was a Mormon colony. And also the names, Colby? Dude, the names in this movie are fucking awful. Colby? You said it in Utah.

Colby? And it's, he said it in Utah, and it's Carl Malone stalking Michael Jordan after the summer of 97. You know what I mean? I know you did last summer. You butchered us in our own home state. So now Carl Malone is leaving the entire Chicago Bulls. letters. I love this. Better movie and honestly would fit

better in the Ididoverse. Absolutely. And who's scarier than the mailman? The answer is no one. That's true. And you could call it, I know what you did last season? Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. Now check this out. I just pulled up this fucking cast list. It's to peep these character names. And it totally

fits with the cleatest bit from the Simpsons. Watch this. Come on. Amber, Colby, Zoe, Lance, Roger P.J. Cam. Kelly, Mitch. Good God. Yeah, it's a, it's a white film, that's for sure. Jesus. So we are introduced to a new group of teens. I will give this movie one thing. One thing alone I will give this movie. As I've mentioned on the air throughout the years that we've been doing the show, one of my big things that I'm a sucker for is a child. No, well, yes, most definitely. But it's not in this film.

No, no, no, not by a long stretch. We could have used some of that. No, if you are like a resort town in the off season, oh, I like that. Nice and quiet. That's where I want to have my radio DJ John. Well, you know what that's just like, Utah. All of Utah. But set it in the winter.

Like, let's, if it's, I know, I'll always know you did last summer, colon, ski season. You know what I mean? Icefisher. Set in the, during president. Day weekend maybe. Oh, sure. Guys, this is what it is. They're being terrorized

by ice fishermen and who is playing the ice fisherman but Jack Lemon and Walter Mathau. It's like kiss the girls that go back and forth. I'm going to get you

with my hook hand. Of course, it's got to be two goddamn killers. All right, all right. So, yeah, this new group of teens. It's the summertime

and let's go get these sexy teenagers. Never see. Never seen a hook this big. No, that's too sexy. The teenagers are Sophia Lorette. Ted and Margaret. Yes, yes.

So these teens, they're at a sexy carnival because it's the off-season. It's like a summer carnival type thing. It is the 4th of July. Oh, that's right. Which does carry over, at least, I haven't seen the second one in forever. Maybe you've never seen the, I'll always know what you did the last. Were you not on the episode? I was not.

I still know what you did. This is the one where they go to the Caribbean. Yes, with Jack Black and Brandy. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know I saw that one. Was that over Fourth of July as well? No, I think they're like, it's summer because they're like done, they're done with the semester.

Well, they're taking a vacation, like the whole thing is they get a vacation away. Oh, it's like they win a vacation over the phone in a fucking radio contest, no thanks. Wow. What are the odds that you'd be terrorized by killers and win a, oh wait, that's right, the killer set up the radio. contest damn well and it's also like club paradise like it's all like nobody's there nobody's working it's just a shitty place and even that even that piece of shit is so much better than this oh club dread guaranteed and i hate club dread no i i still know what you did last oh oh oh oh you know what name a movie it's better than just any old nit movie you want it you want to

oh ultraviolet better than this movie oh no yes yes you know what i will give ultraviolet maybe the edge for it's got at least a visual style it's not good it's got people that I've seen other things this movie shot at night in a parking lot it's just the cheapest DV camera that I've ever seen it's not really that's dude it was shot on 35 because I'm looking at it and I was like they put like a fake film grain filter on this and I looked it up nope apparently at least according the IMD they shot this on 35 millimeter wow I don't know if I entirely buy that, but that's at least with the old Tribune's telling us.

Also, according to the IMDB, this guy, Mr. White, went on to have a real career, which astounded me. It is. He's directing a movie that's coming at this year. Do you know what that is? Yes, I do. The Slender Man. Oh, man.

He's going back in the horror genre. But he also did 2010s The Losers, which I didn't see with Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Chris Evans and Zoe Saltona. Avoid. Yeah. And he did stomp the yard. That's the movie. That's the movie he did right after this. And then a shit ton of TV.

Including the Americans and other television programs. An episode of that fucking dreaded lethal weapon, that dreaded MacGyver, a bunch of episodes of that dreaded Hawaii 5-0. An episode of that dreaded rush hour. Think about his dreaded bank account. Yeah, no, this dude's doing just fine. You go to club dread. Yeah. So, yeah, they're having a carnival and,

We're telling scary stories in a Ferris wheel. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. No, no one's ever done this. No one ever will do this. And the weird thing is the movie's like so inept. It takes you so long to realize who the cast is. Yes.

Because it's a bunch of like, I mean, A, like nobody's actually known. So you're not like, oh, that's Jennifer Love Hewitt. That's whomever. Right. It's just a bunch of like Abercrombie models in a Ferris wheel. It's like eight kids. And you're like, okay, I guess we're going to follow all these kids. But you didn't even, you haven't even met the whole cast.

Nobody knows anybody. I mean, it's just like faceless white kids. Yes, exactly. Yeah. In any other movie, this is like the first like gang that gets killed. Yeah. And then we're following the detective. Like, I genuinely thought that's what was going to happen because I'm like, I'm not watching these people.

I'm not watching me the fuck out here. I'm not watching these fucking people. We've got a lot of time left with Colby. This kid is so unappealing to look at. I know. He's, he's blonde in all the wrong ways. And it's just, it's just abhorrent. It's, and how does he, how is he basically, he's like the, he's like one of the lead kids of this movie.

Yeah, he's the hunk. He's like the Ryan Philippi. Yeah. Of this movie. And you name him Colby. And the problem is there's no Freddie Prince really to like balance. Like that game kid, I guess, is supposed to be. I mean, you miss the acting prowess of Freddie Prince Jr. and general.

You tell me! God could be in the movie And I feel like the only thing Like this is very much like a spiritual sequel Like a lot of the same notes get replayed Oh big time The one note that gets replayed And replayed and replayed is the cleavage

There is so much fucking cleavage in this movie It's outrageous That's part of the Edithverse You need cleavit You want to talk about like The camera end was like seven feet tall Like Badoot ball was shooting this thing It's always the average

The angle is always down It's outrageous and I said to my wife I'm watching this movie And, you know, it's just like the acting is so terrible. It's just, it's filmed so shittily, you know. I said, if there were hardcore sex scenes in this movie, this would be a 100% successful porno parody. Oh, yeah.

If you, if I saw it like a fucking dick go somewhere, I would just be like, wow, look at this porno parody. What a good job. The fisherman comes in. You see that slicker and it's like, oh, no, here comes the hook. Oh, wait. Whoa, my God. Dildo hand.

Yeah, honestly. I was going to say a hooked penis, but yes. Cut out. a little off. Cut out the back story, cut out the musical numbers. There's an outright musical number. This is primed for porn. I don't know you do less number three, primed for porn.

So they're telling the story, this girl, Amber, who's the lead, who's blonde, is like literally. She is, now this is what's interesting, though, as far as, like, spiritual sequels, because you definitely have Colby as, like, the Ryan Philippi, but she is the protagonist, but is definitely more the Sarah Michelle. There's no real Jennifer Love in this movie. I mean, she's artsy, fartsy, kind of. She's taking photographs, right? Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

She wants to move to Los Angeles. Yes. And she tells the story of the first movie, or maybe even the second movie. One of the movie. It's just the legend. It has really, that's the thing, is they don't really bring up, like...

Oh, the first movie until later. Well, yeah, it's like what our dear friend Daryl said in his phone call. Like, this movie would be more appropriate as, like, an urban legend sequel. Sure. Because now, like, The hook hand story. Well, the first movie does that too, right?

The first one's like, oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. But it was localized. It was like, this is a local legend. And now suddenly we're telling local legends to the Carolinas in Colorado. Out of Colorado way. Just making all, like, the loggers coming or something. Yeah, or like something about the Donner Party or something, right?

The Donner Party. Where was the Donner Party? I don't know, geography. I don't know, but what does that have to do with anything? Was it a Sierra Nevada? Yes, a spooky scary story about it's a survival story. But it's closer. It's closer.

Yeah, like, Pod Donner's going to come. And he ate the baby, the mother, PJ Roger, and he was still hungry. He's like for Colby Dahmer. So we go up to... The Donner, sorry. We have these kids that are on the Ferris wheel, they tell the story, yada, yada. Then they're walking through the carnival. still kind of talking about this story

and then like they get to one booth where like a dude they know is working and it's like the edgy kid of the group I guess and one of these guys from the Ferris wheel has just enlisted in the military he wasn't on the Ferris wheel that's thing like I thought I knew what the crew is

Oh he wasn't? There's like this Buck Cherry looking kid I'm like I guess he's a lead character but he's actually an extra like that's what this movie is and then like I don't know where this kid comes over on a skateboard who has Justin listed in the military his name is by the name of PJ

Right, right, right. Or PJ. Private Johnson. Well, also, because, like, they come off the Ferris wheel and they're coming out, and there's this guy at a game thing. And he just, like, starts, like, flirting with Amber. Yeah. And I'm like, does he know her? Like, I genuinely was like, is that just some flirty assholes? It's a small town, you know?

Lance and Amber maybe went to grade school together. By the way, this dude's name is Lance. He reminded me of the Johnny Galecki more so than the Ferdie Prince Jr. Big time. He starts off as Johnny Galeck and then he turns into Ferdie Prince of Jr. You're totally right. But the deputy is Galecki. Yes.

Who is Galecki? The deputy. Oh, yes. Yeah, he winds up being Gileck. You're right, because that deputy is so horny for this team. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, that guy's hard as a rock. Can I do anything for you?

Can I help you? So, yeah, he's flirting with her. She's like doing some field trips. Like, hey, got to go on that field trip with you? She's doing that thing that she's with Colby, and he's like, your stud boyfriend over there is going to California, so you want a fuck or what? Yeah. Dude, dude, ew.

Well, I mean, I think to Lance's defense, right, he's like, I've seen this go down before, long-distance relationships. This is so stupid. Blood and water, man. They are kidding themselves. And, you know, he's just going to move right in. He can see the writing on the wall. You know what?

Keep it to yourself. Let them learn for themselves. You don't need to be like, he's going to be. gone and you're gonna be fucking me well he's not saying that directly to her but he's trying to strike while the iron's high and he's PJ's cousin and PJ just listened to the military and he's like

you're next to join the military little bro it's fucking 2006 that's where we're going yeah man it's it's in our blood it's only 2006 we're not tired of these wars yet fuck yeah don't you want to be a citizen soldier like the song like when we

saw that NFL halftime show yeah he rose up sleeve three doors down tattoo show me yours show me yours brother what's the matter you haven't watched the propaganda so it's this weird like

Colby's like uh you know I'm gonna step up win my lady a little stuffed animal here and she's like you can't do it he goes something about like you know if I win you're crashing at my place tonight oh if I win you this fucking stuffed animal

man it's a one way ticket to fuck town no matter what now you you've You're under contract. You're under contract. You have an obligation, man. You know, Colby, I'm not really feeling it tonight. Well, you just said. I should have gone a contract, you know? Hey, I knocked all those cans down with this softball. This monkey means nothing. This monkey means fucking bullshit. Oh, man, she'd lose in Mountain Court, too. Right after he wins.

Hairdy, Hairdy. Now you two had a verbal agreement It looks right here Seems to me by these documents This matter was settled Over a game of barley candy You owe him Sexually to cost of three

Pites of Moonshine Mabelor's teacher from gambling On the Bali candy in the future Mountain Justice dude So immediately after This dude is a terrible actor Should not be shocking to anybody immediately after he wins the game

he just there's a really flat happy 4th of July babe yeah oh man this script is terrible but then the fisherman cuts through like a banner or something like a high school football team running through a fucking paper sign

and you're like what is this movie and like it's terrorizing them and he starts he cuts the kid in the arm Colby in the arm and he starts terrorizing this carnival these kids start running all over the place PJ

skateboards away. Yeah. Pretty righteous moves. And he starts skateboarding all the way up just like, I don't know, it looks like a fucking parking lot. It was like a parking garage kind of a situation. An above ground parking garage. And like the guy, the fisherman chases

him. The kids run one way. PJ winds up doing a trick off of the He goes up a parking garage or something. What is this thing? It's a parking garage. We literally just said it 20 seconds ago. Oh, I didn't hear. Dude, lay off the pipe, man.

We're working here. No, yeah, it's some sort of parking garage, and he does, like, a fucking toe grab off the top of it. Shred for your life, PJ! Yeah. Grind away! Grind away! And you know what? This screenplay is not above either of those lines.

So, he just falls to his death. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. So it turns out this whole thing is a prank. Because, yeah, they start laughing immediately. The rest of the kids, like, yeah, we did it. But wasn't, was I the only one who was, like, you know, he was the only one who was, like super confused about like that he jumps down he does the shred yeah and then they cut

they cut away from they cut away from it and you don't know like what happened it looks it looks terrible it looks like like he started to do the jump and like that was the end of the stunt or something so they were just like all right like click and and we'll move them with computers down further we're definitely not going to check and see how our best friend did it didn't look like a when he fell from three fucking stories well it was just inept story talking because the idea is we don't want to see what it is because we want to watch the kids be surprised because it's the prank.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the rest of the kids at the carnival. So like Colby and all them like he wipes off like the Hershey syrup on his arm like God I'm goddamn damn. We're being jerk. The fisherman runs out and like takes off the mask and it's another buddy of theirs.

There's Roger man. Oh yeah that this is Roger. We're not met and Buck Cherry Kid is nowhere to be fat. I thought he was a main character. Maybe that guy was like drunk on set and they fired him or something. And that's how this other dude came to be. So they just got this other acting. They walk around the fairgrounds

and Colby's like, who moved those mats? Those mats were supposed to be, it's like, keep it down. You don't want like to be, you don't want to go to jail so you see what's going on and this is what's kind of hilarious because this dude does jump off of this parking garage on this skateboard.

And they say, you know, they say who move these mats? You look, it's like three of those really thin gym mats you have. had in high school. Yeah, it's still done. Like, what do you, come on? You need, like, a fucking rigs, like, parachute mat thing to fall into,

like a real crash pad. But what he falls into is some sort of tractor and he's impaled. He falls, this is, I mean, talk about perfect landing. He falls on, like, the pipe. Like, the, like, the vertical exhaust pipe. Yeah, it's like the Candyman's death in the rock. Yeah.

So some carnie saw it was like, wow, all these mats here. moves him out and parks his tractor in that store? That's my question. We don't actually answer who actually moved those mats. Was it the fisherman who, by the way, later in the movie's going to be a monster? Yeah. Sorry, everybody. He's a monster.

He is also not only a monster, but an original character from the idylliverse. Does he have a name other than the fisherman? Well, yeah, it's supposed to be, we'll just say it now. Okay. It's supposed to be Ben Willis. The guy who died in the Carolinas, the, and then the, what the fuck is he doing here? Well, in Colorado. He made a pact with the devil, I guess.

He's like, he's Jason Voorhe's now. He's rotting. See, that's the thing. It's like, show him, like, do a shot of the ocean, and it's like his sunken ship or something that's struck by lightning. Like Jason lives. Yes. Establish it in some way. And then we cut to Colorado with these kids.

I mean, yeah, we might as well just start talking about this now. Because it's ridiculous. because there's also not much to this movie no so this like they're using this device as a twist but like a twist in these movies is like oh the killer is amber or whatever the fuck you can't just be like this is a slasher film but then all of a sudden whoops it's a it's a secret monster movie well that's what scream three kind of does but then backs away where it's like oh it's the ghost and then it's like no it's not a ghost it's just uh scott foley like you know what it should be it's like oh it's a monster oh it's a monster oh it's a monster oh it's a ghost no, it's not a monster. It's just like some fucking That would be better. Like, do the red herring as the monster. Instead, they act like oh, it's the sheriff or maybe the deputy and they go back and forth

with these characters of me. Or Colby. Oh, definitely. Or Colby, dude. Prime suspect. Colby, definitely. So they find their friend like, oh shit, he's dead. They go off and they start talking about it. And I think this is where the legend starts

to happen where we're sort of setting the paranormal thing is because Roger got this hook off of eBay, which is supposedly the hook that was found in the Bermudas. Or whatever. This is some Sam Witwiki stuff. You see the box that the dude from eBay

mailed it, and the return address is the Bahamas. So it's like, it's referencing that second movie. Can you just buy murder weapons off eBay? I mean, I haven't gotten that deep in eBay. Isn't it more of like a dark web thing probably? Well, I mean, like if you're going to get serious, but a hook, you can buy a hook. If you're going to get serious.

My box of heroin, child pornography, and killing instruments has arrived. Thanks, Dark Web. I am waiting for like a Jeff Bezos commercial for the Dark Web. Oh, totally. Oh, definitely, dude. Amazon after Dark. Tiffany Haddish is the voice of your Dark Web Amazon. Everyone over the age of 60 is terrified of the Dark Web.

Those are my favorite commercials. Do you know people are on the Dark Web right now stealing your information? Do you know that the hook that you used to kill those kids is on the dark web right now? Do you know there's someone on the dark web right now molesting your kids? On the internet? Did you know that one of the sites on the dark web is known as the Silk Road? And what was the historical Silk Road? Oh, I think it was in Arabia.

Now spend $60 on this lead-lined wallet for no reason. Yes, and buy LifeLock because the Internet is a secret Muslim. We'll pay... Now back to NRA TV. We pay people... LifeLock, where we pay people to be on the internet for you. That's what it is. It's like, people are like, I guess,

Googling your name every 30 seconds on the dark web. I guess so. Yeah. Well, man, that's dumb. But yeah, so... So this dude's dead. He's dead. They buy it on...

Roger has bought this thing off eBay. So that's what I think, like, this is what brings the soul or whatever. Right. I mean, this is like... like eating Jason Forhey's heart, right? Yeah, like have it like, you know, the friend just died, you know? Maybe you drop the fishing hook in the confusion and it like magnetically gets drawn to the corpse and brings it back to like something like this kid's just holding it and it's again, it's just like that fucking morgue doctor, right?

He's staring at the hook and then he starts like licking it and like he cuts his tongue and like his tongue blood like goes on the hook blade and he like gets possessed or something. He inserts it into his chest vagina. And suddenly... Well, I mean, the effects budget here was not great. I don't think they had more than a bucket of blood. It was a bucket. They blew a lot of money on that one throat cut. Yes.

Oh, yeah. That first throat cut. So we're now kind of realized who the cast is. It's this kid, Roger, who was playing the fisherman, who bought the thing off eBay. Colby, who is Colby. Yeah, who you should have mentioned first, by the way. I apologize. Amber, who is the lead girl, who is a photographer.

Zoe, who is a... musician because in this scene I think Colby's like oh like you're going to be the next big thing on American Idol and she's like shut up because you realize later she's like a goth punk whatever but you kind of don't know because it's 2006 well the funny thing is trash you've been saying

the band name throughout this episode when we see this her band actually perform it's kind of like a girl led Buck Cherry it totally it's just that it's that like mid-aughts garbage music that's like it would just be rock and roll like radio rock and roll and it was terrible yep that's what this is buck sherry jet yes jet falls into that for sure uh oh a chavelle would be right now the darkness the darkness is kind of there i mean the darkness was better

but yes they knew they were being ridiculous at least that's actually true but just as far the darkness had a hook oh well done and then that's it right that's the that's the that's They run out into the woods. Their friend is dead, by the way. And minutes after their friend's fucking soul is wiped off this mortal coil, they run out into the woods, start a campfire, and talk about what they're going to do. And this is the very same, like, we're making a pact and not say shit. Here's my thing.

This should be, this prank doesn't make sense. Like, who is the prank for? I guess it was for their other friends who you kind of don't see. I think it was supposed to be. No, because they're themselves. I honestly think it's just. entertain themselves. It's to freak out the squares and startle a

Carney. Here's my thing. It's not that easy to startle a Carney, by the way. Those are some fucking frigid people. But boy, did Colby try. I've seen seen it. Just like it out, just smoking a cigarette flicking it out. Oh, yeah. The old hook can making me jump off a parking garage on my skateboard. Yeah, I've seen it.

Also, it's 2006. Don't all these people have cell phones? Wouldn't they all be getting fucking like screaming? No, we got flipping phones. Flip phones, but still you would be getting like screaming phone calls. from your parents, do you hear what happened to PJ? Yes, that's true.

That's what this movie should have been called. Did you hear what happened to PJ? Oh, my God, that tickled me. So they know the legend or whatever. They know sort of the events of the previous films in some way. Yeah, we were talking about it on the Ferris wheel. So why are they making a pack just like in the fucking movie? Because they know from the story what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you

accidentally kill somebody. But you also need someone there. If this prank makes any sense, it's 2006, you need someone with a DV camera that's filming. It's like, hey, I'm PJ, and this is hook jump. You know what I mean? You need to do a jackass thing. Or get a world star in there somewhere. Oh, nice.

He lands on the tractor. World star. Fucking pipe through his heart. This is for e-bombs world. And then just, God. Dude, you know, not that funny because a lot of people died producing content for e-bomb's world. Their in-memorium was two hours long. If you turn up dead on e-bomb's world, they just toss you over to rotten.com.

Right. Or embalm world. Oh, yikes. Eric's Eskid, ladies and jokes. Oh, big important detail here, because I think it's just a massive continuity era later, although it does, like, serve as the basis for another horrendous Colby delivery. But they toss the hook in the lake. Oh, this is the best thing in the world.

They toss the hook, like, in the lake. Cut to later in the lake. the movie like they're trying to like figure the whole thing out and he's colby has this hook and he's like he says something about like and we're going to destroy this thing once and for all like it's fucking excalibur or something but also he throws it in the lake it's a fucking stream he throws it it's like in the shallow end it barely gets in the water like come on colby fucking figure it out aren't you the jock where's your baseball pitching arm dust it for prince first you know or like rub it off for prince before you throw it in the lake because like you're in a murder

here. But why would you have to dust it up if you throw it in the lake? But it's barely in the lake is what I'm saying. Literally, all you need to do is just your dog is going to smell it tomorrow and grab it. You wouldn't need like swimming trunks to go get this. You would have to roll your pants up like a little bit just to go in. I didn't even notice. It barely the shallowest part of this stream. It's just there. It's exactly. It's on the rocky part. It's where the minnows are. The killer should be someone who stepped on it by mistake. Oh, son of a bitch! Actually, before Colby does this piss-poor pitch into the shallow end there,

they do make a hilarious point because they're trying to make sure they're covering all the bases about the prank gone wrong. And Amber's like, but Colby, what about your arm? And this dude sticks the hook in the fire to sanitize it there and just fucking cuts that arm right open. He's like committed to this bit. But here's the thing. Why don't these kids just go to the cops immediately? Like, this isn't, this isn't, I know what you did last summer We're in, we're drunk and we hit somebody

And like that's something you would cover up Because that's actually like a felony crime Like you can go for murder, right? This was, PJ was part of a prank And a prank went wrong. Right? And he shredded too hard. Yeah, he shredded his soul right out of his body.

PJ jumped. PJ was the one who jumped. Nobody, nobody made him do it. He could have looked down and seen a tractor. Also, triple check the mattresses, CJ. So you'd get like involuntarily, involuntary manslaughter. Not even that.

I mean, yeah, maybe. If the, if the Listen, listen, listen. You're a bunch of white kids. It's all right. That's a cherry on top. You're white. It's a small town.

Oh, man. You're white as the fucking snow in your mountains. You're going to face those fucking mountain courts. You're fine. Yep. Yet another,

the, another one of boys being boys. Click. Mountain justice. You're citing the Supreme Court decision of boys will be boys. Under the 2003 Rayling Givens Act,

you can all be putting the slammer. Oh, my Lord. I thought that was a stand-your-ground law. But that's what I'm saying. This is not even, this is barely a crime if you just come out with it immediately. Totally.

And just be like, look, yeah, this happened. It was a prank. We watched, you know what I mean? Like, Johnny Knoxville would be on trial the next day. Exactly right. Yeah, I know. Blame it on Jackass. Oh, yeah, I just say that they made you do it.

Wee Man gets executed. Oh, my God. I'm stevo and this is lethal injection Oh man Weeman's dead Holy shit that really worked So we cut to one year later As these movies usually do

Or that first one does it Yes the second one does not Yeah it's one year later So it's what 2004 No no 2007 Now I guess it's technically 2007 We have Colby There's like a party that's going on

being thrown by Lance No, it's not, I don't know whose party it is. It's just a day part, I think it's... We're doing a lot of day drinking, by the way, and somebody's farm, there's a bunch of silos all over the place. Somebody thought, one thing about the cut to the year later and a lot of the cinematography of this film,

somebody thought that chairlifts were scary. And I don't know who that was because there's just so many shots of eerie, empty chairlifts in the summer. Well, because there's something that's kind of inherently terrifying about an off-season, you know, resort town like that. It's like a ghost town.

You could get stuck up there. Haven't you seen Frozen? Yeah. Oh, that's right. I did see that movie. Oh, the music was amazing. Let it go. We are dead.

Gonna jump right off this chairlift. Isn't that what they do? Do they, does one of them tries to jump off? Yeah. And then the other one like freezes to death? Yeah. I don't remember. And that's like open water, but...

Yeah, it's essentially open water. In a for, yeah, skiing. Yeah. Finding a way. to make open water more boring. You know what I would rather do than this episode is Open Water 2, where a bunch of people jump off a boat

in the ocean and then somebody forgets to put the ladder down. Oh, right. Everyone meets their grizzly and, by the way, there's a baby on the boat. Oh, baby on board. Steve, when you originally told me the plot to that movie, I thought for like a week that you were lying to me. That's what the movie is.

Everyone jumped off a boat, but everyone, what somebody forgot to put the ladder down. Why didn't they just climb up the anchor change? stuff. Yeah, there's plenty of stuff. Oh, okay. Plenty of stuff. Did you, anybody else notice that the open water series got rejuvenated

because 47 meters down did really good business. Yes. So they made the exact same movie and called it open water cage. Oh, no, are you kidding me? I'm not getting you at all. Oh, my God. Wait, so, but 47 meters down was also, because we had a little there was like a shark asance going on

last year because there was also the. Well, it's still going on. Meg's coming out later this year. What the fuck is that? That's the huge prehistoric shark. Smegma? What did you call it? Wait, wait. It's called Meg? Yes. What the fuck is that?

It's like it's the beginning of what the action. I'm a shark. I smell something. Clean me out. My name's Meg. What was the shark movie though where my father was a Johnny Cash fan? Blake Lively was like stuck on the buoy. Oh, the shallows. Yes.

That was also. that was part of the shark asans. We're skipping over the biggest one. Aren't they making the sequel to Deepbbaba, deep, not deep to them back? A deep blue sea. Deep blue sea. There's a sequel.

Oh, yeah. I'm not fucking kidding. Oh, my hair just went white. Deepest blue is my hat is like a shark's fin. Again. So we're at this party and apparently, and the other thing too I was very confused about. So Colby is older than everybody else.

He's a year older. Yeah, because he goes and he bottoms out on some internship. He graduates and like he's not supposed to, to be at the party. And there's these other two girls who I thought were characters that are not. Nope.

Yeah, well, because a scene starts with the two of them talking and you're like, these must be significant people. Because they're also on the Ferrisville. They're part of like that crew. Oh, they're part of the Ferrisville crew?

Yeah, dude, Ferrisville crew for life. Look, Mr. White, extras can technically say two lines and then you have to start crediting them and paying them. So you've got to work around that and figure out what to do. So we find out that like,

you know, Amber just graduated from high school and she's going to go to California with Colby and then Colby isn't supposed to be there because he's supposed to be in California but he showed up and didn't call her and this prompts him to break up. It's a real scumbag move on Colby's part. I know you'd be surprised to hear that.

Unbefitting of Colby. Because he just shows up with his party and Amber is like, what are you doing here? Like you're not supposed to be here for another couple weeks. He's like, yeah, I've fucking bottomed out on that internship. And she's like, and you didn't call me. What's awesome, though, is, like, when she approaches him,

Colby is talking to this other couple, like, on a porch. And all you hear him say is just like, yeah, man, and the fucking chick's out there, like, they're just ready to go. Or, like, some kind of line. And then it's like, oh, Amber, what are you doing here? And, by the way, has he not spoken to her for months? Yes. Like, I mean, that's, this should have come up a long time ago.

Aren't you I-Ming at this point? You must be I-M-M-ing, absolutely. And, like, shouldn't she should have known what was going on via his aimstack away messages? Yeah, totally. As like the dashboard confessional lyrics got more and more dark. They started going to my chemical romance. Then it really got bad. I just had a shock here, and it's got nothing to do with anything except that we mentioned Deep Blue C2, which is coming out this year.

No, no, no, no. No. Listen, the guy who directed Deep Blue C2 is a dude named Darren. Scott, who was somehow involved in menace to society. I don't know what that is, but I was looking at his directorial credits. And in 2013, he directed a direct-to-d-d-d-d-D-D sequel called House Party, colon, tonight's the night? What?

Yeah, we got to see this. Is anyone, our kid and or play in there, or what? I need a minimum of a kid. I know. Whoa. Not even the kid of kid. Dude, are you, are you fucking with me right now? No kid, no play?

Shouldn't they be the parents? And it's like, oh, I sure hope our kids don't throw a house party as we're going away. Right, exactly. What, LeBron James is behind this new house party? I think that sounds right. Yeah, there was something. He's like producing a reboot or something.

Wasn't he supposed to do that Space Jam 2? For some reason, space jam 2 is more fraught than like fucking the day the clown cried. I have no idea why. Like, just fucking make a movie. movie, man. Like, just make Space Jam too. It's easy to do, it seems. Anyway, sorry to do realize. Also, about this party, you have

all these fucking white people just, like, dancing around this farm. It's, like, kind of being filmed at the Golden Hour. If a fucking Clydesdale clomped through the frame, it would be a Budweiser commercial. I mean, it is just the most commercially, like, pretty

people-looking shit. There's a lot of Canada dry at this party. I noticed, like, I'm not kidding you, like, 12, 2 liters of Canada dry on a table. It's Utah. That's what's going on. It's just water and Canada dry. That's all they're allowed to drink.

I think what it was, Chris, was it was an accident in the prop department because they were using ginger ale to double for all the beer. And then someone just left the Canada dry on a table and it got the shot. I just think everybody had a tummy ache and they just had to like dole it out. They knew what they were doing. Amber is upset. They break up.

She goes home to go to sleep. her parents are away it's kind of a dropped line you don't realize that to like kind of have halfway through the movie it's like that her parents aren't home

this whole movie which is less people you have to pay which is nice and she goes sleep with this big house she has a nightmare she wakes up

and her phone her flip phone has 50 missed messages 50 missed messages and not from Colby either no they just all say I know what you did last summer I mean 50 text messages

on a flip phone that takes fucking forever In 2006, this isn't where you have your group texts. No, like that's one-on-one shit. That phone was filled. I'm surprised I was it on fire, 50 texts. Could it handle that much, that many megs of text messages? Here's the thing that's annoying about this sequence.

So she does, she has this nightmare like Steve said, and she wakes up and she goes down stairs. This is a massive house, by the way. By the way, the monster got a cell phone at some point and was able to text this. Yes. Yeah. He went into a fucking, you know, bodega. He bought a burner. Somehow found this woman's phone number.

He was doing scratch off smoking a cigarette, doing that text over and over again, 50 times. You did let some burn, no, you did let you ever and do. Because you can't even copy and paste. You have to always, and you have to like do that thing where it's like, what do you call that? Oh, T9. T9.

So you're, oh, Jesus. You hit four three times to get the eye. I forgot about that. That takes fucking forever. So he's truly a mad man. And he's sitting there doing it. the scratch-offs he takes he takes off his he takes off his thumbnail and uses it as a scratch because he's a dead undead monster actually i'm going to want to pay as you go one

what's let me give me some of that spanish fly too yeah i'm a monster she's a synthetic marijuana work or what i mean i can't get any crazy yeah i can't get any more brain dead Not the Trojans, the Rough Riders, if you would, please, ma'am. Do you have any bath salts? I'm going to start that. Yeah, I can play it safe, too. Give me a bottle of Cutty Sark. Depending on what state I'm in, let me get a couple of these mini airline bottles of whiskey

with only alcoholics, bye. Thank you so much, ma'am. Yeah, I'm sure what the hell, mega millions. I've seen a lot of the off-brand hostesses cakes. Do you have any of the real ones? what do you have those in the back for the real customer? Oh wow, sir, you must be a connoisseur

of gas station baked goods. No, she fucking walks into this kitchen and a jump scare in this movie is a kitchen alarm clock going off. Oh, right. And it's like 11.20 p.m. What the fuck is that? Who is it set for?

Why was it there? It's the day before Thanksgiving. Got a prep. Got to put it in the oven early. It's not the day before Thanksgiving. It's July. Yeah, well, you've got to get all the hot dogs out. Let them defrosts.

Start out defrosting these hot dogs. All right, yeah, I'll take you this three pack of pornography and this three pack of old comic books from three years ago. I got stuff to read in the junkyard where I live. They made Brennan's stupid comic books. Wow, that's something. I was dead for a while. The hook brings him back.

Is that what we're dealing? with here like we don't know nobody knows we don't you know what we'll never know no was he what was he a watcher on the ebay uh transaction maybe yeah and colby snifed it at the last second maybe he was it it stands to reason that i was the highest bidder this no no no no i think this bahamian zombie uh was fucking the one selling it and he was like all right whoever buys this no it doesn't make sense man i'm gonna go there i'm gonna go there i didn't what you know, I know what you did last summer. The father dies, right?

Yeah. The dude that was the killer. As does the son. Will, Wilson, in the second movie is Wills, Ben's, Bens, Will, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Will's Ben, son. There you go. So he would have been maybe selling it down there. Oh, I see what you're saying. But I think this corpse is supposed to be the original father from the first movie. Yeah, I think so too.

So I don't know how it. Although maybe once you die, once you and your son die, You meet up in the afterlife as zombies. And, you know, you already, your son's got a place in the Bahamas. You're getting older. Let's go down. It can get more tragic, though, Eric, in that, like, if it was, if this is the original

man, then he's around thinking, my son must be out there, zombified as well. So when he hears, and he's in North Carolina, man, he's still hanging out. He hears in Colorado, there was an attack by the fisherman. And he's like, my son, my son. He runs there Finds out it's not Gets furious And kills everybody

I love this This is how this film makes sense Well it takes up a year to walk This zombie walk from Rhode Carolina To Colorado That's kind of makes sense Well that takes so much time It's just a coincidence

It does because A hitchhiking zombie Who's picking that up? Or maybe the Fourth of July music You know And the fireworks is what brings him back Because it's like Weekend at Bernie's

Like he eats the sounds Oh well Jesus Christ man, if fireworks or what does it, he'd fucking never leave the South. Anybody who plays Toby Keith. He's trying to go to Colorado. He keeps like going in circles. Dude, that would actually be awesome if like,

you're just, the camera, it's like underwater and you just see the fisherman, like, just like floating at the bottom of the ocean, whatever, and it's just like, mm-hmm, I love this bar. And then like the zombies start shaking, and then it stops, And then it's like, we'll put a boot in your ass. And in, like, electricity starts shocking. A lot of quick cuts to Sarah Michelle Geller dead.

Jennifer, I love you, are dead. You could not drink at a shitty bar in the year from 2003 to 2009. That was Obama's first, Obama's first action in office was like, um, we're, we're retiring. I love this bar. We're all tired of it. We, we, uh, it just kind of rallies. Is it the wrong kind of people up? Also, that guy's racist.

They had a nice meeting with the jukebox people. Oh, yeah, dude, they met with big jukebox. We came to a bipartisan compromise, and if you want to play Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith, you can do that for the next three years. And that's that. If you like your Cassie Muskgrave, you can keep her. We are officially retiring.

that's a George Bush thing. That was a Bush policy, the I Love This Bar Policy. The I Love This Bar Doctrine. So she calls up a, sorry, but I'm just picturing George W. Bush on that aircraft carrier. And instead of Mission Accomplished banner, it says, I love this bar. We did it, everybody. We all love this bar, man. So she calls up Zoe.

it's a booze cruise now and she's like you know hey what's going on this crazy thing just happened and Zoe is having like late night band practice and there's something about like she has been pissed off at Amber

because like she hasn't been coming to her shows here's the thing it's the same thing that happens with Sarah Michelle Geller and Jennifer Love You they lose touch except nobody fucking went away to college everybody's still in high school

except for Colby and it doesn't make sense because at least the first movie established is like, oh, like she talks to whatever, Bridget Nielsen first. Bridget Nielsen? Brigitte Nielsen, she's not in that movie. No, Bridget, Sanpris.

The sister? Yeah, whatever. Sonia Blade. Yes. She talked to Sonia and Blade. Like, oh, you haven't talked to my sister and so long. Samprice.

So, like, Pete Sampras. No, she was married to Pete Sampras. She totally was. But whatever. So, like, that's established. She just shows up to this thing, and she's like, oh, and look, the first thing Zoe says,

like, oh, you come to me now. Bridget Wilson Sampras. Bridget Wilson Sambris. Wilson, I call it. Brigitte Wilson. She what's up? Will's son? Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck! So, no, she goes, she goes to her, and it's my favorite reaction in the movie. You interrupt your friend who you haven't talked, who you iced for a year for literally no reason. For no reason. And you interrupt her in the middle of the night, and she's like, the fuck, I haven't talked to you in a year. And then, like, Amber has the ball to interrupt about, can we not do this now? Like, when are we going to do it? What are you doing here?

This is the first, this is exactly how this conversation would go. Can we not do this now? You don't get to set those terms, Amber. Also, you're calling me at 11.30 at night. Fuck you. And interrupting my band practice. Also, though, you know, send me a MySpace message you want to reconnect. Exactly.

Put me back in your fucking top eight, bitch. No, but so she's like, the thing is she's not, I guess she's upset about like I haven't heard for you. But it's more, she's peeved that she hasn't been coming to these bands' concerts. Flyers. Yeah, she's like, how many fucking flyers do I have to put on your car? Are you fucking serious? We buried a not crime together. And this is the thing, too, man.

Like, if you're in a band or if you're in an improv group or whatever your thing is. Yeah, I was about to bring this up. You get the one show with each friend, and then you can never be upset that they never come to another show. That's exactly right. It's like, how many times can you be expecting someone to go see you in the show? the fucking basement of an Italian restaurant, do five minutes of improv. It's insane to be offended by that.

You just kind of understand that. You just like, you send the group email like, hey, who wants to show up? And you know no one will. And you know also that nobody wants to do it in the fucking first place. Exactly.

And that's a true friend. Someone who will come to your indie improv show, true friends. Yes, it's a punch card with one square on. Immediately one show, you get that free hat. Exactly. Exactly. That's exactly correct. But then she's so pissed and she's like, oh, yeah, how many flyers do I owe you 10? And she's like, oh, more like 20.

Like, first of all, that's fucking desperate. Also, your band sucks. Yeah. Let me make, let me put that first and foremost. Shuck Cherry. I had to listen to three of your fucking songs in this movie. You mean Zoe and the Hawks? Was it Zoe in the Hawks?

I couldn't. Oh, I thought you were making that up. No, they say the name once, what she goes on at the end. And I thought it was Zoe and the Hawks. Are you sure it wasn't Shuck Cherry? I'm pretty sure it was Shuck Cherry. Well, because that would actually be perfect for, you know, like if this movie was set in like, you know, back on the shore town, right? It's all these like dudes like doing oysters during the day.

Oh, Shuck Cherry. That's brilliant. In Utah, it's more truck cherry. Yeah. Oh, guaranteed truck cherry. Are you going to cover I love this bar or what? Because I'm leaving if you don't cover I love, because I love this bar. I don't know what the name of the song is with the put a boot up your ass from the U.S. of A.

But can you play that one? I got friends in low places. That is Garth Brooks. Oh, even worse. Yeah. I think the name of that booting your ass Toby Keith's song was called like Osama bin Lion or something. Oh, the dude sucks. So we pull a fucking piece of shit move right here.

We're ripping off Halloween. All of a sudden it goes from. July 1 to like Dong-Dung-D-July 2 We're working our way up to July 4th And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? It's only July 2nd I've been sitting here for fucking 45 minutes

So like they go Zoe gets you know hip to the situation They go to Colby Who's working as a lifeguard And they broke up just yesterday And they're like He's like oh okay

We're back together or whatever like But you know They wound up talking And this is the best part You know he doesn't believe them And he's like yeah blah blah blah Colby goes back to the lifeguarding tower and uh oh the monster

Now remember everybody This whole thing is being perpetrated by an undead presence Went to this public pool in the middle of the day Kids everywhere And like actually used water to write out I know what you did last summer It's evaporating And it's like that would be fucking forever

And it would be gone in 30 seconds on a hot day And it's constructed in like a perfect Like comic sands font no way it's a bad CGI effect is what it really is but he doesn't need to sleep right so you know people will be like

sir you can't you can't take a shower here no it's good I just gotta scare someone a little bit also sir you can't be wearing this creepy rain slicker at the pool there's kids here well I evaporate in pure sunlight so it's a free country

Obama didn't out of all that yeah just let me write down this wet message. I'll always know what you did last over colon, wet message. If Colby stubs his toe that he never sees it. Like, that's it. That's how that shit works.

So then it's like, Amber. They go to Roger then. Roger? I thought this was when Amber was like biking around and taking pictures. Oh, that's okay. And the dude finds her and slashes her bike tire without, like she's in the middle of the fucking mountains.

Uh-huh. You know, like totally open space and all of a sudden she's like oh my tire has been slashed where is the zombie hiding i don't get it i don't know where he is uh but the other thing is i'm sorry i mess of the sequence they go to roger first who roger is is living and working at this fucking ski lift facility yeah he fixes the ski lifts they interrupt him while he's using a chainsaw and he almost cuts them oh is that the start of the movie that's lance actually later they look the same They look the same. It's a good thing Roger dies pretty quickly.

Oh, good. Let's talk about his death. So they go to Roger and Rogers like, yay, man, I don't know. Like, I can't believe we got away with this thing. And at some point, they say, like, the reason they haven't got to the police, they can't go to the police now,

it's not just that they, like, you know, iced this. They didn't never say what happened. They also made up a fake killer that was on the loose. And I think gave, like, descriptions of a killer. Oh, what? I totally missed that. I missed that as well.

Did I make that up? No, it makes sense in, in a real narrative that would have happened. Yeah, I mean, it's somebody's dropped line. It's like, we can't go because we already said that there was a we told them all about that other killer they've been looking for for a year. Oh, I had no idea. That, that will get you put in jail.

Oh, you can't be doing that. Oh, totally. That's obstruction of justice and, you know, lying to the police and whatever the fuck else. Absolutely. Also, the detail here that we should mention is that PJ, the deceased, his father is the sheriff in the town. Yeah, yes. So there is that. So then it's the other thing of like,

ah, we fucking lied to the sheriff about this dead kid. Also, why would there be a killer? He fucking fed. I mean, like, no, they didn't want to take any responsibility. Everybody saw a guy in the Slicker. Oh, they're saying the Slicker was actually a killer. Yes.

Oh, right on it was an actual thing. Like, he wasn't murdered. I was like, it's pretty obvious what happened. The kid fell off a fucking thing. What with the tractor? And the sheriff is like the saddest man in the universe. Like, there's a mourning. There go, Amber and,

what's her name, Zoe, are going out. And, like, he just shows up at their car and's like, how you doing? Oh, yeah. Right. I thought he was being a perv. What he says, I actually, Chris Cabot, this is great. I wrote this line down. He goes, just making my rounds at the school.

I was like, rounds at the school, it's July 2nd. What are you doing? Melancholy fuck? No, it's fucking, we're in the mountains. You got to, you got to rattle the meth heads. You got to be there at least in school parking lots, at least, Steve's right, like they're, oh, yeah, they're always stealing the copper out of these schools in the summer. But it actually does make sense that he's, he's checking in on Amber because he's seen his deputy shrine in the back to her.

Oh, right. And he's a little worried. He's a little worried. He knows he's a good cop, but there's something wrong. I thought it was the deputy throughout the entire movie. I'm like, here we go. Yeah. I guess it was too obvious. Yeah. So we can get into the deputy. He goes up to her too and he's like, I think, like, he's like, oh, you know. She's masturbating on the windshield, like, bad lieutenant. I don't know what, like, they basically have a conversation like, oh, you're back in town. Or no, no, she's always been in town. I don't even know what. No, it's just kind of like.

It's just kind of like. It's just kind of like, hey, you know, this, um, the anniversary's coming up. Yeah, some of that's going on. Well, he says if you, which is the dumbest, like, bad turn of phrase ever. He's just like, oh, if you ever need anything to, if you ever want to get anything off your head, come talk to me. Off your chest. Oh, he says off your head? What a fucking doofus.

Weird. Yeah. So then is this around the part where it's Rogers attempted suicide, but then he just gets murdered anyway? It's amazing. It's great. Yeah. This is basically it's Roger is. He's fucking drinking hard. He's taking some pills as well.

Totally, man. Having a real fucking off season Saturday night. Sounds like a great way to spend an evening. But he writes a suicide note, like, I can't take this anymore. I know what I did last summer. I made a bad. funny. I'll always know what I did last summer kind of a situation. And he takes the hook and starts to cut open his wrist. And then like he gets a knock at the door and it's this killer.

It's like, I don't know, dude, just wait. Like, yeah. And also like, it's like, oh, why is Roger scared? I'm like, all right, dude, come on. Yeah, I was going to do this, but you can do it too. That's awesome. Now I'm not even committing suicide. Sick. Right. You get into heaven. You get right into heaven. It's right. The monster policy. Exactly. You could join Jonathan Galaki up there Everyone wearing white robes Anytime you are killed by an undead monster There's a loophole you go right to heaven

Nice It's nice That's like a large faction of people at this point As far as horror history is concerned Oh god you're telling me Godzilla Tactica and that's everybody I've got to let everybody in Holy fucking shit

Peter slammed that day That'd be a good movie Like any type of huge thing Like maybe maybe the atomic bomb Oh, my God. Wait a minute. You're telling me he's fighting King Kong. We have to let everybody into heaven. All right. Hey, Jerry, yeah, I know I told you you had the day off at the gates. We got it. We need everybody down here. It's all hands on deck. Godzilla and King Kong are fighting again. Oh, my. Now they're getting loose with security. They're barely looking in those bags.

And then now there's so much weed in heaven. And then everybody who comes in over that period of time could just say, yeah, King Kong and Godzilla got me. Oh, right, yeah, exactly. There's so many people, it's hard to keep track. You were a child molester on a heart attack on the toilet. You're like, yeah, but it was around the time of that thing. And so many filthy suicides are just getting in. Suddenly, like, I love this bar, starts playing in heaven. God's like, come on, man.

Who let Toby Keith in here? A king con stepped on my house. Then the devil's down there like, look, look, that's what you wanted. I'm down here with a bunch of bad guys. I'm having a good day. Now I'm out of business. I love these gates. I love these gates.

They're pearly white, just like my fans. So yeah, he's about to commit hook aside. The monster comes in and cuts his throat wide open. This is like majority of the budget right here is his throat cut effect. It's a pretty good throw cut. It's not bad. It was like the only. time in the movie I was like

okay and I was like oh Gore is gonna and then Gore kind of doesn't have yeah no then it goes it goes right away it's this one and like the the two impalings yeah so then all the Colby Zoe and Amber Amber

Amber show up and Colby has the world's tiniest bat and I don't know where he got it like it's like a Yankee Day giveaway it's like it's really tiny and thin and he's like I'm gonna get you because they think it's Roger for whatever reason right right Roger's crazy

and then they see the suicide note and they're like oh I guess Roger just cut his own throat ear to ear it's a suicide What are you talking about police department? Because yeah the deputy shows up and everybody's like suicide That looks like a suicide to me

It's a bunch of like they take like some quick statements And then everybody just goes home No paperwork required And they're like oh it's over But then they wind up going back to Amber's place And one of her photo collages has been cut open And it says soon on it Oh right oh and it's kind of hilarious

because we see her room like beforehand and it's just all these pictures of her and Colby and like the good old days and whatever and it's just a pile of paper on the floor just all shredded. Okay, I'm gonna need a couple scissors a blue stick. This arts and craps monster, what are you talking about?

It's insane. It is so fucking stupid. Also, does he have a car? Like, he's got to have a car. How does he get around these mountain roads? Hey man, how does Jason Vorees get around the fucking woods? too. Tunnels.

We're told tunnels. We're told tunnels. But I mean, that's just woods. I mean, like, this is a town, like there's, yeah. Like, Roger's up in the ski lift, I would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. She's all the way downtown. Like, he's going, oh, man.

And everyone would see him coming. Everyone would see him coming. Yeah. This outfit is even more ridiculous than the other movies, too, I got to say. Well, here's my biggest hilarious observation about this fucking stupid monster. You guys notice that, like, when he's about to attack, like, his head comes out of the coat, like a turtle? Yes, he's got the big, like, he's got the big collar popped up. And the hat comes, like, right down.

He looks like spy versus spy. Well, that's, he's like, br-oh. He's like a Zelda villain. That's, like, when he's about to attack, they show you the area you have to attack. No, but the thing is, when his head's down, like a turtle, he's in there doing the arts and crafts. Oh, I see. Like all curled up in there. In the slicker, he's cutting you.

in photographs. Do you have like a booklight before the inside of a jacket? Oh, I spilled this glitter everywhere. Do I eat food? No, I don't eat food. No, I don't eat food. Speaking of this monster, Andrew, you told me earlier, and this might have been a yesterday, so we don't know what's going on.

All right. The guy who plays the monster played Michael Myers. Oh, that's right. In Halloween 5. Wow. Only. Oh, Jesus. So he's not Dick Warlock? No, he's not Dick Warlock. Dick Warlock is coming back for this new movie. Is that correct?

Or is it Nick Castle? It's the original, whatever the original one. I think that dude's name was Nick Castle. I thought he was called The Shape. Yes, Eric. Yes. Oh, so then they go to confront, is this Roger now? No, it's Lance.

Now, oh, this is Lance. And this is where the dude is the chainsaw. You can't tell him apart either. Because they're just fucking faceless white people. Yes, so this is Lance, and this is the chainsaw. scene that Eric was talking about. They have a big confrontation with him. He's like, no, I didn't kill anybody. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

There's my favorite line that we dropped at the at the party when she meets up with Lance. Lance offers her a cup which out of nowhere and she's like, yeah, I'll take it. I'm like, don't. Not from Lance, you won't. But she's like, and it's weird because they put, like, again, she's been in the town the whole time. To my understanding, maybe I didn't

watch the movie right. No, she has not left. And she's like, oh, what are you doing now? And he's like, yeah, I'm doing groundswork, but you'd probably I don't find that interesting. And she does this thing like, oh, no, that's really cool. Like, it's just like, yeah, you know. So he's doing groundswork. When they find him, he's got a chainsaw.

And they have this big confrontation or whatever. And he sort of like threatens Colby. Great Colby line right here. He goes, look, you got a chainsaw douchebag. As he's like walking away, it's a total fucking bro moment. Oh, Colby is terrible. Colby lives it, man. When does Colby?

So, like, they have a conversation. When does Colby get? Is this when he goes swimming? This is like, again, kind of like the Ryan Philippi scene. Oh, because where Ryan Philippi is like, you know, he's boxing or whatever. Yeah, and then he gets run over. Like, he gets injured. Colby is swimming.

Yes. And the monster is like, well, I got to, I want to, it's not July 4th yet, but I want to put a scare into Colby. Yeah, so I'm going to like cut his Achilles tendon kind of. I don't think it's a full cut, though, because this kid's like running on it later in the movie. Yeah, he's fine. He just kind of like, he kind of like hooks him in the end. ankle and this is amazing because this is the first part this is a this is a monumental moment in this franchise oh please where you see the the hookman the fisherman himself actually go fishing

because here's this dude in the water swimming boy fishing he definitely goes boy fishing dude he fucking hooks this kid right in the ankle and i was like oh cool like here it comes maybe it's like a cool pool death or something mountain justice declare you can't go boy fishing unless you got a permit let me see your boy fishing license oh you know what i just looked in the back of your truck. There's too many boys there. You're going to have to throw some of them boys back. The little boy. Throw the little boy back. Another fisherman will get him.

Well, I don't want a membership to your pool. Do you have a day pass? A day pass for me? He's thwarted because he can't get in. That would be awesome. It just, and this is also sort of

parallel at some point. Amber is in the ski lift for no, I forget what gets This is where it's what you're talking about is way back because this is where she's taking photographs of shit and her tire gets slashed and then she's like well I'll just walk over to the ski lift here on the top of this mountain and at what point like so like and again like I think Colby's like how did he get you you're 50 feet up how does he get could he fly does he basically like he just kind of scares her and like breaks the window with his claw and goes away right yeah that's what is he doing it's insane like she's going down this ski lift and like the window I was like what what what where it's Is he? And I think that the red herring here is because she's fucking around in like the lobby of the lift, like the waiting area or whatever. And some dude comes out of nowhere. Like, can I help you, ma'am? And it's like this big towering white guy. And she's like, oh, you know, I had some bike trouble. And he's like, oh, there's a storm coming. Like, I'll give you a ride down. So then when the, when the fisherman is on top of this ski lift, everybody, I think that's supposed to be like, oh, maybe it was the operator. Maybe it's more like a Morgan Freeman thing where, like, He's like, I've got a new suit for you, Mr. Monster. You could do low-altitude jumps on the ski lifts. That's more like it, Mr. Monster.

Didn't you get the memo, Monster? Do you have it in black? All right, Mr. Monster, I'll do this one time for you, but consider this my resignation. Oh, my goodness gracious. So we cut to the sheriff for a little bit. There's a really, like, the sheriff is kind of also a red herring, and the first way they start that is, like, he's walking through a parking lot, and there's a huge puddle, and you're like, oh, no, that kind man is going to step in that puddle, and he just walks through it, like, right like Jason Voorhees, and you're like, oh, and he's got, like, a bag of food. There's a note on his windshield, because, like, the kids think that he's doing it. Yes, yeah, they're like, oh, he's the father, blah, blah, he's out. He must be out for revenge or whatever.

So there's a note on the windshield that's like, we know what you're doing, knock it off, or we're going to tell everybody or something. And what they're actually doing, because this guy's not the killer, he's not the undead monster. What they're doing is just harassing a grieving father. Around the anniversary of his dead son.

Oh, and we know what you're doing and stop. Okay, I guess I'll stop giving food to the homeless. I guess I'll close this soup kitchen. My favorite scene in the entire movie is they're like, oh my God, you know, look I think it's got to be the sheriff it has to be the sheriff we have to go

to the deputy and we'll talk to him and like Amber's smart enough to be like that guy dude who wants to bang me he'll listen anything I want to say right so they go the whole crew goes and they're like hey deputy we have to talk to you to say well I'm I'm kind of having a

yeah you guys can come on back and like it's a it's a cop poker party or something oh right they're like it's about PJ and like oh yeah you you guys can come on back and like it's a cop poker party. This is my favorite line in the entire movie.

Like, and then the sheriff comes out. It was like, who wants more bruskees? A, who's running police in the town if all the cops are playing poker drinking beer? Sleepy off season resort town, dude. He doesn't know that there's a zombie on the loose?

And there's a, and she goes and like, uh, the cop, the sheriff is like, oh, Amber, what do you guys do in here? And the guy behind the grill who doesn't say anything in the entire with it.

Yeah, it's about your son. And he's just like, A flipping burgers? I totally missed that. And he's like, what about PJ? They're like, well, we miss him and we're really sad. They're like, okay.

Oh, man, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, they played a prank on your son and then he died and then now there's a killer outside. Jerry, how do you know all this? Yeah, you know it. You work behind a grill, you know a couple things. You just, I get good at listening. Monster out of Carolina come up this way.

Yeah, he was feeding the monster. Oh, yeah. He goes into the woods with a bag of burgers. It says he leaves him, like, fucking ego waffles and stranger things. So there's another totally nonsensical part of this movie that it's just like, what the fuck are you thinking with this movie is we cut to Zoe. She's at the band's, like, practice space. Sure.

And she's taking a nap. Oh, right. She has a nightmare about the hook hand killer. Sure. Right? And she hasn't seen yet. She has not seen. Has no idea what's going on.

Thanks her friend committed suicide. But so here we are having this nightmare where she's being terrorized by the hookhand fisherman. She wakes up and this couch is shredded like a dinosaur got to it. Why would this monster play games? Isn't it like an inception thing? There's like three levels of her being within another slats and another one. Oh, so the shredded couch is not IRL?

I think that's the second of the five dreams she goes through. Oh, that she hit the jump and woke up. There's also, for some reason, this monster fucks with Lance's motorcycle. That gets him part of the team. Oh, right. It was, yeah, keyed with, uh, you know on the tank. I can't fit the whole catchphrase. Oh, wait, I, uh, I started too far over.

I can't, oh, the W's going to be weird and little now. The summer's going to be the real problem. That's the longest of the bunch. And you know what, here's the thing. You want to call your movie, I'll always know what you did last summer. Somebody needs to say, I'll always know what you did last summer.

Exactly right. And I guess the always is referring to like, now he's this undead, immortal being. Or it should have been the sheriff because then he's like, I'll always remember my son's death. Right, yeah, totally.

And also like, why does, so does the monster care about PJ's death or not? like why is he saying to Lance you know like you know what I mean like yeah because he's trying to find his son Steve oh it's important oh he's like he's avenging maybe he's doing work on behalf of see here's oh here's what it should have been okay the father is so fucking peeved like let's say he finds out about the prank right sure the sheriff yeah yeah the PJ's father yeah finds out about the prank he's peed he fucking does some sort of like curse summons this dude

and now this dude's deal is he just goes to fathers who want their dead sons event. That poker game was a quick cover. It was a black mask. They quickly like turn the table over. Jerry, turn the grill on. Some outsiders are coming.

Turn off that monk chanting music. Oh, I love this bar. That's better. Lightning outside. Oh, I love this bar. So they make a plan.

right sort of getting into the end of this movie here they make a plan they're like we're just gonna skip town great idea no one ever does this in horror movies let's leave town let's just leave it's fucking genius it has not been tried in the history of cinema and literally i perked up i'm like totally out on this movie like oh my god they're gonna skip town what a great idea i'm like oh boy i get really excited about it uh and so this is where uh lance has a fucking line because they're like we got to destroy this hook once and for all and get out of town and he just goes yeah we got to like throw this in a volcano or or something. What? I guess you're heading to Washington State. It's the closest volcano, I think. I don't know. I always loved you, Colby.

So, but Zoe is like, oh man, at the town, by the way, the town carnival has been respectfully canceled. Yeah, but the talent show is still on.

You know what I mean? But so she's like, oh man, the talent show tonight, there's going to be agents there from L.A. No, there's not. And I can't miss it. And then everyone's like, well, I guess we have to stay together.

Nah, no. And this, in horror. First of all, I packed a bag. I got two 30 racks at the back of this truck. We are going out of town. And this is a lesson from horror cinema man, just like that Michael Keaton, Jack Frost. If your band has an opportunity to do something

and something else is like budding up against it, don't play that show. Yes, exactly. Because you're going to be dead. More than likely, it's Jerry saying he's a guy from L.A. Exactly. Right.

That would you think that was the monsters. Oh shit, they're trying to leave town. Uh, yes, ma'am.

I'm, uh, with, uh, C-A-A. Yeah. I'm really interested in Joey and the Hawks. Mr.

uh, monster from William Morris. Uh, Mr. monster. Wait, hold on.

Blah. I'm sorry. I just threw up a bunch of live crabs. Okay. Uh, Mr. Monster.

What's your first name? I don't know. Beast. Beast monster. I'm Mr. Beast Monster. But I'm in the music industry, so my nickname is Mr. Beetz Monster. Now,

does your cafeteria take fingers as currency for coffee? See, that's the thing. It's like him going around buying food is what would get him. They'd pinch him for like a stolen credit card. I think what he's doing, by the way, is just kind of cooling it,

like all smelly monsters. It's just cooling his heels all day. in the local public library. Yeah. Like the buy-bye man. He's running a credit card scam. He's got like the fake mouths on all the ATM machines. They let you use the internet in here.

They sure do. So she's like, I'm going to play this show. So they're like, all right, listen, you will play your song and then we're getting the fuck out of here. And so now this is like the third and, no, it's not. It's the like third, second to last musical number. Yes. So like they go out

They play this song in its entirety It looks like by the way This party looks This talent show Looks like the fucking show From Green Room Like you know what I mean This is this is

This is where it is Like Patrick Stewart's going to come out And talk about who's going to get their laces And who's not Exactly And then funny enough dude A band that could have played That club comes on next

And do you catch this It's like this fucking rap rock duo Oh fuck that sucks And the audience is going an ape shit. They're going crazier for them than they are Zoe and the Hawks. I think Mr. Beast Monster's going to sign these guys. There are four, not three, not two. There are four

huge American flags behind Zoe and the Hawks. I love this bar. Yeah, we do. Well, also now it's by the way, now it is July 4th. So I think that because I thought the same thing. I was like, look at those fucking flags. But it's July 4th. I mean, what are you going to do? But also like

after the show, Amber goes up to Zoe in the dressing room. She's like, oh my God, He's so great. And she's like, yeah, and the agent from L.A. said he was interested in talking to me. I'm like, you're Zoe, you look like Zoe. Why would there be an agent from L.A. in this Mountain Town talent show on Fourth of July?

You're being sold to best case scenario being sold to a bill of goods. And then like, you know, kind of worst case scenario. I guess worst case scenarios you're talking to Mr. Beast Monster, but it's like the second worst case scenario, secret pornographer. Exactly. Oh, cool. Yeah. Undercover a pornographer.

You're about to be taken. Then that's third worst scenario. Yeah, I would rather Beast Monster just hook me at that point. Yes, definitely. Which does happen here. Actually, oh, wait a second. I'm sorry.

There's another musical number we get a bit of before Zoe and the Hawks and it's the most pathetic thing ever. It's a singer-songwriter, dude, sitting on a stool, singing a song that I think is just called Hangover in the Morning. Ooh, terrible.

That sounds about right. I related to that. oh great detail here so colby after his swimming accident is just on crutches yes and because he's the ryan philippi character he's got to be the functioning teen alcoholic yeah and so dude i've never seen this someone drunk on crutches who well someone drunk so like basically like um coles and amber start getting together and colby's like fuck this you know what i mean like yeah we should have left town i'm just gonna get drunk all day i'll see you guys at the talent show he's got the uh the belt buckle that also has the secret booze compartment in it.

The best part of this movie, and it happens a couple times, we were trying to make flip phone headsets work. Oh, yes. Because Colby is drunk in a bar by himself, and it's closed. I don't know, he's just drinking vodka.

I think it's supposed to be like the ski resort. And they call him, and he wakes up and he's got his headset on. And he's like, yeah, what's going on, huh? You got Colby. Go for Colby. If I'm going to get blackout drunk,

I better have my headset. on. It's a lot easier to deal with than that flip phone. Colby's being professional. It's like, always sunny. It's like, I can gesture with my hands now. It's great. My hands are free. But, so this is when

Zoe gets it. I have a delicate question to ask the group. Okay. Which group? This group. Oh, okay. Not the wayward teens? Not the wayward teens and I can't hear the audience yet. We're working on the technology where you guys can chime in in the middle of the show. Actually, I can hear them.

Oh, fuck Eric's crazy. Podcaster medium. So they wind up, it's very much like the first movie where like they're, hold on one second, shut up. Go on. Oh, he's the pod whisperer. Oh, God, help us. They wind up going, like the guy chases Zoe up to the rafters. Right.

And much like Sarah Michelle's death, I think. He hooks her. Yes. Where does he hook her? Because I couldn't tell. where this hook was going, it seemed like it was a very uncomfortable. The aim is disgusting, but the reality is supposed to be the gut. Yes, I think you're looking for a crotch shot, but when she gets, she gets like gutted and then tossed off the balcony.

When she's laying on the ground, it's clear there's like a wound on the abdomen. Okay, all right. Okay. The audience is saying, the gut, what is your problem? Well, because I was disgusted, but I was like, whoa, are we doing this in this movie? to gross Steve's credit. He does like underhanded. Yes. Yes. And you're like what? But it's immediately

that fire is immediately put it out. Your question is entirely legitimate. You're just gross for asking. I'm being told hashtag gross Steve. Oh man. Now it's going to happen. Fucking podcast media. Say bye bye to Menchies. So then they like they find her, Amber and And which one's this? Lance?

Lance. Two surviving friends. And they run up and like, you know, she gets on top of her. So now they're both like covered in blood. Yes. So the sheriff pops out and this is kind of funny because he's just like, he's looking around and like the hook hand dude like comes out and just immediately gets him and gangs him in the shoulder and pulls him away.

And this is another red herring because it's like, did you see him die? Oh, yeah, yeah. The dude is definitely dead as it turns out. We never like see his body. or anything, I don't think. Yeah, but he's not this fucking zombie. No, you're right, yeah. They don't actually show him die on screen.

Then the next is Colby. Colby, by the way, again, thinks he's dealing with a human person. He's fighting in, he's running away in some kitchen, he's drunk. Yeah, but then he's magically not drunk. It's a fucking movie pep peeve of mine. He stabs this guy in the back of the neck of the head. Yeah. And he goes down, and then Colby runs away.

Again, this is a horror movie thing. If you get the guy, you keep going until the head is off. Yeah, cut that head off. You got to, yeah, or destroy the brain or cut the head off. Yeah, like, exactly. Take the head and run with it. Like, that's the next. You're in a kitchen, dude, start cooking.

Exactly, cook it. Great idea. Great idea. Because Kobe leaves the, even leaves the butcher knife in him and runs away. And now his next move is he's got a rolling pin. Yes, it goes to rolling pin, which is quite hysterical. It's like a fucking handicap cartoon. This is what he actually gets fish hooked in the mouth.

Yes. And very unbelievably. pulled through the like the like the porthole of a swinging door yeah that's pretty cool pretty brutal hilarious move right here so now Amber and and Lance are running through this locker room

or some shit why they're hiding in the shadows you guys catch this this is the dumbest thing in this movie I think they're hiding in the shadows and it's like all right be quiet be quiet be quiet a fucking CGI spider comes out of nowhere on like Lance's shoulder

and then forces Amber to go like, ha! And she swats the spider off and the monster's like, what was that? Come on with a CGI spider. Are you meshing with my bud, Spidey? Well, the spider guy had to cancel the day before.

Oh, I see. So then hilariously, Colby is found in a jumpster. Fitting end for this character. Then the deputy stops everybody with a shotgun and you're like, oh, this is the part where he reveals himself. Right. And he's like, you guys have to get

my car, you have to get in my car. And then when you get in the car, Zoe's in the car for some reason, you're like, oh, what? Yeah. And then he, of course, this is when we finally realize that it is not the deputy but a monster. And he, he ganks him and throws this guy into a forklift. Yeah, he gets impaled

on a forklift, not half bad. But we do get a, for no reason, Michael Myers' look to the side thing. Oh, did? Oh, I did. He did that. He does a very, like, a crooked head. Oh, that's fucking stupid. But now you realize, like, what's going on with this guy and I think is what happens his hat blows off or something

well he gets blasted with a shotgun a bunch of times that's right keeps moving and then you're like something's off of this monster right the kids get in the truck and umber backs him over right and then he starts getting up and they're like what the fuck and it's because he was just hit with his car he stands up and the hat falls off

and you can see it from far away he looks like fucking Joel Edgerton and bright what is with this like grayish purple head what am I looking at here? I think it's supposed to be partially rotted yeah well then that's Like, this is how they lazily reveal this. Like, this thing just stands up and it's like, it actually looks like Jason in the end of part seven when she, the psychic girl rips the mask off and he looks like a lizard person. Well, because all of the other, you know, we were talking about like when his eyes are revealed for like a minute, they've been doing this thing throughout the movie where they'll cut to like a bunch of faces of people it could have been.

Oh, yeah. And then like just, and now it's just like, oh, it's a goblin. You know what it also looks like is the talking zombie from Dave the Dead? Yes, yeah, Bob or whatever his name was or whatever it is. Yeah, Bub, yeah, yeah. He winds up, but the thing is, I guess he's self-conscious because he puts his hat back on. Well, it's like Jason putting the hockey mask back on. They don't want to look like creatures.

At this point, he looks cooler without the hat. The hat is kind of mostly silly. Yes, it definitely is. They're also doing... Keep the hat off and he's got, now you just got a murderous monster. It looks like fucking Robert De Niro and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein a little bit. Well, the second time that film's come up in the last few weeks, and it's terrible. Doesn't he get like cheesy red eyes, too?

Yes, the eyes do change color. And that signifies like a hell demon, I think. Are we talking about De Niro or are we talking about this guy? Yeah, it was like just De Niro eating dinner at Tribeca Grill one night, his fucking eyeballs turned red. So, you know, a great move here also is this monster pulls the door. door off of they get in like a some

there's another forklift thing I think and Amber gets inside it the monster pulls the door right off

but she's already discovered his weakness which she has the original hook oh right and she stabs him and he goes and he makes

raptor noises he does and like tar starts coming out of him and the weird thing is though like so the hook

he had to go buy a hook I guess had to go to Home Depot on one of his many runs I don't think he can go out in public, man.

That's another eBay or Amazon or something. Well, you know, look at this disguise is kind of like a Ninja Turtle when they try to mix amongst man, right? The hat, the trench coat type of thing. Maybe he did go to Dick's sporting goods. I need the two by four up there. Can I get some help?

He's pushing the like the orange staircase over to. Oh, and I got all this furniture. You give me a ticket and then I get the whole thing. later? Okay. Well, sir, you know, you're over 21, obviously. Are you sure you don't want a bunch of guns? Because I know we just raised it for 20 to 21. Just letting you know, you could still buy all the guns you want. You're asking for a two-by-four, but look at all these assault rifles here at Home Depot. Wait, you're telling me, I can put two turkeys into this refrigerator. Yeah, but, you know, you could also put two guns into that refrigerator.

Yeah, you can get all the sporting goods you want. A basketball, a football, an assault rifle, hockey stick, shotguns. There's a great lines somewhere around here when they start stabbing this creature where I think it's Lance is like, what's all that black shit? But yeah, he does rip the door off because she's in like this. It's a thresher we got. You're right. Oh, of course.

This is the end of the movie. Here's this thresher. he kind of almost kills Lance like 16 times Lance should pretty much be dead yeah he goes down for the count he gets like a stab in the leg goes down for the count and he's about to get Lance the last time and she runs out with the hook and puts it right in the dog hook to the brain dude and he again more raptor noises then she gets in the thresher and then she's like this secret dies here or something something something and then pushes him into the thresher like fucking Steve Buscemi he he turns to jelly like it's pretty

good. It's not bad. But also I thought the whole thing was he's only affected by the hook but I guess because the hook was in the head he's weakened. He was weakened. Yeah. Did the hook go into that thresher? Because that'll break that thing. Yeah, that's true. The threshold I think he goes feet first possibly.

Very careful about it. We cut to a magical one year later. So now it's 2008. The elections ramping up. Exactly. Things are really heated in this country. Still the same two wars are farting around. These bitter people clinging to their Toby

Keith. It's a big scandal. And she is like Amber. Yeah, we will put a boot in your ass. I love that song. Remember me? I was going to be vice president.

And we can say, yes, we can. Get rid of Toby Keith. That's the fucking change I was voting for, man. I don't know if anybody else. Just eradicating Toby Keith. If you want to buy a Toby Keith album, that is your business, but you need to go through the background check. No, ma'am, no, ma'am.

He is not a Muslim just because he wants to get rid of Toby Keith. That is, ma'am, don't bring that to my campaign. I can see Toby Keith from my house. Yeah, you can, Sarah. Hey, Sarah! Sharing property! so whatever man Amber is driving back to Colorado

or she's going from Colorado to L.A. You know where she is? She's in Utah. You better believe it. And magically a tire blows out and it's not just like a blowout. It's a fucking slice blowout. She is using her flip phone headset.

You better believe it. I think she just stole it from Colby. We won't need this anymore. Oh, it's barely used. He just got it. It's an expensive item. And so, yeah, She breaks down. She's talking with Lance

on the phone. And it's like, can't wait to see you, babe, blah, blah, blah, all that shit. So they've been fucking for a year. That's fantastic. And then she's like, geez, I don't know how this tire could have gotten slashed. And he's like, well, I don't know, babe. Is there anyone around to help you? And she's like, nope, desert. Oh, no.

Yes, there is. There's a police car behind me. Anton Schegger. Now, and then we end with like the camera is like going around and around and around and like on the final 360 you see the hookman behind her cut to black right cooler thing would have been because where she is

where they're filming there's a huge hill and the camera's going around her like 360 like ramping up like when is it going to come out if they just end like they stop and she's like you know I don't know what I'm going to do up on the hill you see in the distance the hook man that would be something way better than like this dude is just right there and he's like

well that's again mimicking the end of the first movie when he jumps to the mirror for no reason. The fucking shower, man, that's a dumb scare. But this is also, because the beginning, over the credits, you get like a Texas chainsaw massacre type... Yeah, type thing. And this is essentially like kind of the ending of the first Texas chainsaw, that 360 when he's doing that...

Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As we cut to black and then that's the end of this fucking putrid movie. Would anybody recommend this? No, no. I mean, look, we haven't talked about how this movie looks. that there's no engaging performance anywhere to be fine. At least get like, not Michael Rooker, but like someone to play the sheriff. Just anybody.

Tom Atkins. You know how deep the bench of people who were on Deep Space Nine was? Get any of those dudes. Get Michael, Michael Dorn, get fucking René Abidjan, get fucking, get goddamn, uh, uh, uh, uh, Jake Ciscoe, get Jake Cisco, anybody. No, it's, yeah. Chris Cabin. Um, God, no. It's like shitty sepia. Like, that's like, there's this weird look to this movie that was, it really made it difficult to get it. The color correction is just a total failure. And I mean, it's just, it is. It's an empty movie. Like, you know exactly what's going to happen from the beginning other than the monster. Yeah, kind of a surprise with the monster. A little bit. But I will say no as well. This was terrible. And thank you Daryl for destroying our afternoon by watching. It really ruined my Tuesday morning. Yeah, this is a total.

It'll not recommend. This twist is fucking stupid. Like, it has no business being in this movie. If you want to make it about the legend of the whatever the fuck, that is from the jump. That is what this movie is about. And it's a better movie if you do that. Sure, why not? Because then it's just, you know, any old Jason rip off.

And who cares? I'd watch that. Sure. But, yes, like, two stuff we've said, like incompetently made. You need to get anybody to play that sheriff. Or the young guy, what the fuck is, what's his face from a dead man on campus and Freddie versus Jason? Oh, Lachlan Monroe?

What the fuck was Lachlan Munro doing? He should be in this movie. He should have made the DVD cover. He was managing a 7-Eleven. Get off his back, will you? I mean, I don't know what that dude's up to these days, but you can get that guy. Let me get a car charger as well.

I don't want my phone to die on the road. I'm a monster. Oh, you got one of those cool flip-flown headsets. I'll take one of those two. Coca-Cola slurpy. Right away, sir. The future is today. Right away, sir.

Now, my name is Assistant. Lockman Monroe. Just remember the good service you got here today at 7-11. Thank you. That's I'll always know what you did last summer from 2006, directed by Sylvain White. Thank you, Daryl, for ruining our week with this movie. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com. Wait a second.

I'm just being handed something from the newsroom. Oh, shit. We really have to tell him to stop bringing the letters in while we're doing this. Chris Cabin, this is breaking world news. Boop, boop, boop. Okay. we have a Patreon Patreon.com

slash we hate movies and apparently we have a new episode that's what the breaking news is that's right ghost rider spirit of vengeance it's correct Ghost Rider 2 excuse me Oh sorry

Ghost Rider 2 Yes T O we're both ghostwriters now It's on Patreon and it's at that $5 level where you also get that a month you get a new full episode a month and animation damnation

where yes it's like this show but about cartoon And we did what Mortal Kombat, The Journey Begins is coming up to that. A direct to VHS movie that we did, 40 minute whatever. Yeah, but if you contribute at this level, the newsroom is telling me,

you also get our episodes on Man of Steel, bright, 19, it's going to be 19 animation damnations, unlocked instantly, access to the back archive, and if you want to step it up to the $8 level, commentary tracks up the wazoo coming out soon. cloverfield paradoxmentary oh yeah what a fun there's a lot of shite show totally oh and the

stop wait dude dude dude jennials stop giving him stuff oh my god yes i'm gonna god damn i wish i could do a huge newsroom parody of like something important you get dev patel in there yeah uh well our nation is morning today because there is also star trek the nexus podcast where we talk about an episode of the original series and the next generation in each episode and we're going through them at the $8 level, you get 19 of those suckers coming out this month. There's a lot of content on that Patreon.

You could say there's a lot of content on that Patreon, absolutely. At WHM podcast on Twitter, Facebook.com slash we hate movies. Right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. What is going on as this so far? far, just a wretched undertaking of a listener request month rolls on.

What do we got next? It's not going to get any better. What do we got? It's a, we are going back to the Ghosts Can't Do It Director for John Derek, John Derek, and Bo Derek as well, for Tarzan the ape man. Ah. From 1980 Godman.

And it's about a, yeah. Is it? Is it? Is it? How long is it? It's pretty long. Oh my God. Well, it's about a horny ape named Tarzan. A horny ape man. Is there a beastiality in this movie? There better be. Look, I'm not going to tell you guys anything until you see it.

All right, fair enough. So we'll keep it spoiler-free until we ruin ourselves next week. So until then, with Tarzan the ape man. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Happy Fourth of July, babe.

is a HitGum podcast.