We Hate Movies - S8 Ep347: Episode 347 - Tarzan the Ape Man (1981)

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

On this week's episode, the 2018 Listener Request Month rolls on with the totally insane perv-a-thon film no one asked for, 1981's Tarzan the Ape Man! What a TRASH pile of a film! Why do we have to wait 45 minutes for Tarzan to show up? Did we need all those sexy incestuous overtones from Richard Harris? And what the ever-loving shit was John Derek thinking with that snake fight? PLUS: Drunken explorers tell tall tales at the U.K. equivalent of Applebee's—whatever that is! Tarzan the Ape Man stars Bo Derek, Richard Harris, John Phillip Law, and Miles O'Keeffe; directed by John Derek. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's show, this, I have to say, this wretched listener request month fucking somehow scrapes by for another week with this piece of shit Tarzan the ape man. My good God, I am Andrew Jupin. I am Steven Sannick and I apologize to everybody. Chris Cabin. This is Eric Siskin. We hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always.

Like I said, up top, quite angrily. This is Tarzan, the ape man from 1981, directed by John Derek. and this one was requested by our good buddy Scott Weinberg over at the podcast 80s All Over Let's have a listen to his request call Hey guys, this is Scott calling from 80s all over And wanted to recommend one of the worst films Of the entire decade

Bo Derek in Tarzan the 8 man Enjoy You know what short sweet to the point This dude gets it And you know weird thing You know he only called in once and he got through I just, you know, people are going to be like, oh, they're cooking the books. Trust me, I would never cook the books in favor of Dars Day and the Eighth Man.

No, Steve Sadek, that is quite correct. No way would I fucking fix anything to have to watch this, let alone talk about it. Here's one thing. He puts it a glass ceiling on this and it doesn't really have to be. Definitely was not just the worst movie of the 80s. It could be, it goes all over, baby. It's one of the worst movies. This is a piece of shit.

It's an awful movie. I don't know. By the way, we should say this is the same director. as ghosts can't do it starring Donald Trump, Bo Derek, and a bunch of other people. Better movie. Like, I would...

Easily. Easily a better movie. And I don't know if we raise the question on that episode, so I have to... I have to raise it here, just to be sure. John Derek, Hollywood's biggest cuck? Because this whole thing is like, watch. I'm going to watch my wife. Watch. Get watched and get fucked.

She's getting watched. Proudest, cuckold. Because all of his movies are about... him being cuckolding. It's like fucking Chaucerian, man. It's crazy. The cuckoldery is insane. Did you say it's like Toystorian? Chaucerian. Oh, okay. As in Jeffrey Chaucer. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah, I thought you were talking about Woody. No, the French Huguenot. Yeah, the Canterbury tales, rotten with cuckoldering. Oh, my goodness. Rotten with it. This movie. I believe it's, you fucketh my wifeeth. Hey, you fucketh my wife. No, it's not that time. I think it's just you fucketh my wife.

Just a guy And a big round hat While I watcheth I mean that's This movie is just her nude And him behind the camera Being like thousands Hundreds of people

Will see this Oh Also her and Richard Harris Who's playing her father Is a constant constant thing I don't know if you're my wife Or my daughter Yeah

A constant thing And here's the thing With that Chris Cabin And we are told They have not seen each other in years He was quite the deadbeat dad he don't care no in this dude's eyes he doesn't even have a daughter that's a a phenomenon that happens with siblings actually what they get they want to fuck they want to fuck something like a

phenomenon if they don't something like a phenomenon like if you find out you have a secret sibling like a secret sister or something you never met the for some reason like the people that meet each other later in life like oh our dad was the same they wind up either wanting to fuck horrifically or do fucker-ethly. Am I smelling Todd Salon script? Yeah, I'm smelling it here? What scientific journal did you read this? It was one of your classic British people,

let's look at freak documentaries. Oh, okay. Can we say on the air right now, something that transpired while we were in Austin? Please. I think we could. The new W.H.M obsession. This is, to paint you all a picture

of the fucking hardcore motley crew-esque we hate movies tour life and the hard work the hard work we put into each show cut to us uh at a bungalow in austin watching age gap lovers on netflix yeah oh thank you england you what is what is this describe it for the people it's uh it's it's your it's another it's i think it's a series that britain puts out of like i think mitchell web had like a a uh a bit about this like it's the sensitive freak show look and like it's a guy with an ass face and it's like this man doesn't ask for a face and like that they have these kind of these documentary series or some someone swingers this one happens to be on people who are much old uh couples

with a huge age gap between them like much like john derrick and beau derrick exactly that's correct it's very perfect so you know our first night in austin and kind of our first morning in austin was spent watching age gap lovers so you know the fucking high flying tour life of WHM man. It's good we did it because it was good research for this movie and getting into the just grossed it like it's I want you to look at my

wife look at my wife's breasts but it's not even just cuckolding that way but it's also like because Tarzan is so physically fit in this movie and like so much of the movie is like enamored with his physique it's like oh man hey Bo he's so much better looking than me right

yeah he's like so much oh man he's like he's so hot and I'm not Hey, Bo, if Tarzan tries something with you, I'm cool with it. She's like, you know, his name is not Tarzan, right? And in the tradition of Ghosts Can't Do It, there's also a... The tradition. There's a double cuckolding. Oh, really?

Because, I mean, and Ghost Can't Do it is his friend who wanted to marry her. That's right. And the dead husband. That's right. This one, it's fucking Richard Harris, her father. And this fucking nobody named... Halt. Oh, right.

He is insisting on throwing at her. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Richard Harris is trying to give her, give him away or give her away to him. And they both want to hunt Tarzan and so that they, she won't fuck him. And that's, that's essentially the plot.

Is Holt the one played by John, uh, Philip Law or whatever? Yes. Who? Who's the guy from space mutiny? And. Oh, really? He's the bad guy. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Wasn't he, he was also in Diabolic. Oh, really? Your Diabolic, right? Mario Obama. Oh, God. He did a lot of Italian. I think Space Mutiny was probably Italian or some nonsense.

So this movie begins kind of, I don't care. It's like, it kind of opens almost like a very pervy version of how the original Superman movie opens. With it's that kid in the comic book and we're telling a story. Oh, yeah. That's a bar bet you will lose every time because like, how does Superman open? It's like, oh, we're on crypto. No, no, no. There's this weird scene where a kid.

people's at a comic book and starts telling the story of Superman. Fuck, I totally would have lost that. I really thought you were about to say Superman somehow started with Bo Derek's feet. I wish this chick on Krypton's dangling and she don't even know it. Oh man, she's a mortal danger because her planet's going to explode. Man, that's not all that's going to explode. We should say, by the way, that this movie is so cool that at the open, we replaced that classic

MGM Lion Roar with that fucking pre-recorded Tarzan. It's, I think it's the same Tarzan roar from the Johnny, is Johnny Wirtmuller, whatever that dude? Wysmuller. The dude from like the 1930s Tarzan, I think it's the same

recording. That's all Tarzan's dialogue in this is all just that that yell. That's the cheaper one, right? If I just used to old one and not record the new one, that's the cheaper one, correct? That's the craziest thing. How do you make a Tarzan movie and not make a new one. Like that would be the thing. But it's so

iconic to someone like John Degg's like, no no one's going to know what it is unless you know that's the Tarzan roar. But it's not a Tarzan movie. Like that's about cuckolding. That's the fucking center of the movie. Chris Cabin, no. This movie is flipping the script, dude. This is

a Jane movie. Oh, okay. But it sounds like this movie when the MGM thing happens, it's like Boomer and Roger in the morning. Like it's a soundboard at that point. Like, you know what I mean? It's not actually a sound. But it starts with these two derelicts talking over the beginning of the movie incoherently.

Like, I did you hear this story about this sexy lady in Africa? Let me tell you his story. Are these podcasters? They're the first podcasters in like 1910. I don't as well, this is a riff track. So I'm going to riff on this one. Welcome to Horn of History. Oh, fuck, yeah.

I would. I would talk about Jane and Tarzan. We do enough shows currently. Someone else, feel free to start horny history. I'll totally watch it or listen to it. No, I'm making a video podcast. Oh, my. If it was a video podcast, I would totally watch it, just not on the train.

I don't even know. Are these supposed to be Richard Harris's buddies back home? I think, well, because we're telling the legend of, like, the white ape. Got it. Right? Which is also these fucking. idiots think that Tarzan is like an ape that's just white. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, and it must be like

World War I because they're like, it's an hotel and the actual set in 1910. Yeah. So this, I mean, where are these people? I mean, there's just like a bunch of colonialists. We don't see them talking about this shit. They're talking over fucking B-roll of goddamn the port. Yeah, these are adventurers and explorers and those were people who were basically cast out society who then go get drunk and like survey well i kind of i kind of envisioned them as being part of like that club that the dudes from lost city of z are in yes that sounds about right there's

still one in new york called the explorers club it's a thing like you have to get invite only for millionaires pretty much like millionaires who are like we're so rich we want to climb a mountain uh eric white millionaire oh correct of course of course dj t two's probably there are lot. Oh, I bet. Well, he'll have even more time with his fucking hilarious divorce. Fuck you, buddy. So it's just like, oh, so it's just sexy brawl, right? Oh, let me set you to stage in a movie. And I'm like, can I just go somewhere else? But that is the, that's the thing, right? This like hilarious, awesome explorers tale is starting off with the origins of Jane. Yes. You get that Tarzan roar and the lion opening? And then guess what, everybody, fucking 45

five minutes till you see a fucking hair on Tarzan's head. 30 minutes till you even have an idea that he might come in this movie. Sorry. You might, I mean, you might be like, if you don't have it there, though, you sway the focus away from the white people. If you just open on the shot, you might get a sense of what West Africa's

like. You might get a sense of the community. But no, it's got to be fucking Bo Derek's feet and these old fucking white dudes yamering on about nonsense. I think that was the alternate title for this movie is Bo Derek's feet and a bunch of fucking white dudes yamering on about nonsense. Because that's also literally all that happened. The other name of this podcast.

Yeah. So it's just like, it's her. And they kind of go over this whole little coda, we'll call it, I guess. It's her. She gets on a boat. She pays these guys. And they're like, oh, she's really sexy. Right. Like, how sexy is she? Try sexy times a million. It's like, it would be kind of great if they had like a different actress. And the guy's like, tell me how sexy she is. And like, the dude describes like the woman you see on screen and he's like, no, no, no, no, sexia. Then it, like, changes to a different woman.

And then, like, she's, like, slightly more beautiful than the last. And it's like, no, now, sexyer. And it's, like, snap, Bo Derek. Hit the airport scene from private parts where the breasts are just getting huge. Right, right, right. And then suddenly it's just Laura Croft from the game, like a big pixel breasts. Her fucking pyramid chest. Yeah.

By the way, Bo Derek, there's no setup as to she. knows these people. She literally just is on the dock like, hey, you two look like you might not go me. She throws money at these African dudes. And also, she's taking like a rickshaw to get there is the idea, like to get down to the docks and whatnot. She doesn't pay those dudes anything. Wow. She just gets off that rickshaw, gets in the boat and it's like, that's it. I don't know what's going on there. I don't know what's going on, man. I think it's privilege. I mean, yeah, I know. She's being, she's being a piece shit. So she gets on this boat and these guys are still

like she's just wearing a dread. Disembodied voices still. That will never meet. It's so unappealing. It's just there's not a wrinkled mouth to be found. And it kind of culminates with these guys getting drunk and they're about to obviously make a move on her and she pulls out a gun and she fires and she fires Tarzan the ape man.

Yeah, we do not get to see what happens. obviously one of them gets shot. It'd be cool to see some action of some kind. Anything. There are no action scenes in this movie. It's astounding. There's implied action scenes. A lot of that.

It cuts away and it's so frustrating. And this is so, it's weird because this is 81. So like everything, like the look of this movie right down to the title card should be more 70s, but it actually feels more 80s because when it cuts to Tarzan the Eighthman, this terrible title card, There's this disgusting neon green all around it. It made me realize what I want this movie to be is an 80s Tarzan movie.

It's set in the 80s. It's like a businesswoman goes out to the jungle. She finds this thing. Now we got Tarzan in a suit walking down Madison Avenue to I'm walking on sunshine. Like, you know what I mean? Dude, this is the movie I want. To be fair, we kind of made that movie. It was called Encino Man.

Yeah. Or Crocodile Dundee. Yeah, any of those movies. That's what I want. Call it whatever you want. Cardinal Dundee is the modern Tarzan. Yes. We're done.

We don't need anything else. Well, Tarzan has been relevant. Has it been relevant in, what, 50 years? Are we talking exactly 50 years at this point? Well, there's still, there's possibility of, you know, undiscovered niches where people are just living wild with a... I thought you were going to say there's a possibility of undiscovered Tarzan movies. So, hey, there definitely is. Check your attic if you have an old house.

But I haven't seen a good one. No, that's what I mean. I can't attest to ever seeing a good Tarzan movie. Even the Disney movie is not that good. It's fine. Oh, the one with the Phil Collins music? Yeah, I've never seen it. It's fine.

I didn't see the 30s one either. Maybe I should have. The 30 ones, it's fine, like, as far as like an adventure picture, but there's nothing, like, distinct about it at all. It's also called Tarzan The Eighthans from 1932 with this dude Johnny Weissuehler, and that's like, that was this dude's claim to fame. But this, Tarzan, from what I've been able to tell, and by the way, spoiler alert, I don't fucking care about. Tarzan sure. But not 191 years old. But it sort of

seems like it's a Django situation where it's like we made that one Django movie in like the 70s or the late 60s, whenever that was. And then there was a bunch of like unlicensed to jangos. I feel like that's what this is. There's just all these Franco Niro movies. Yeah, the

Franco Nero, yeah, the original Django not the QT movie. But then like there's all these other Tarzan movies floating around out there. And I feel like if you look close, you might find something about Tarzan coming to Manhattan. I don't know that for sure, but don't you feel like that's a franchise that can. That sounds like the 70s. We've had Hercules in New York.

Exactly. So why not? Jason came to Manhattan, man. Everyone comes to Manhattan. It's working in the ad. He's got an advertising job. He loses touch. He brings like a monkey to a meeting.

You know what I mean? Like they're trying to save the rainforest. Wait, isn't this just hot to try? Any of these things? He's got a little cell phone. He's got a ponytail. They put him on the bananas account. The elephant comes to his office.

He's like, yeah, we'll do lunch, babe. And the elephant's like, you know what I mean? Like, it's sad because he needs to be buddies. You would need a lot of cocaine to make that movie. I can get you something. Okay. Okay. By the way, the opening credits are happening.

Like, it takes a while because they used to put credits on screen back then. And I don't know why. This is just stupid. I thought it was funny that this assistant. in camera credit is Wolfgang Dickman. Yes, I noted that as well. I did not. Wolfgang Dick man. It's the best name.

Dude, you know that guy got fucking laid. It was probably fucking Brian De Palma. It's like, no, I am not being credited for this movie. Call me Wolfman Dickman. I don't give it shit. Yeah, it was one of those. Call me, I don't even care. You might as well call me Wolfman

Dickman. They were like, all right. Going once, going twice sold. The Wolfman Dickman. Also, very dark, but before the, even before the credits fucking clothes, she's naked. She's naked in the threat of rape. Double. Double. Is everybody

watching my wife's movie? She's in peril. To be fair, it's a little artistic here. She falls into the water wearing this white dress or whatever. And it's clearly you can tell it's going to be transparent. Oh, of course. That's the move. The sun is setting. So it's like a little dark. So the audience

doesn't really get to see it, but Holt adventurer, you know, our intrepid adventurer, he sees everything and you could tell by the language of his body. That he's erect? Well, no, but his face, that he's like digging her. Oh, I see. By the way, Holt, I at first,

he's like a bad clone of Franco Nero. Yeah, he does kind of look like that. Oh, wow. Yeah. Weird. One of the first experiments. We had the... Before Streisand's dogs. Yes. There was Franco Niro. Before that, there were the boys from Brazil. Oh, right. Of course. I'll never forget them. So, yeah, so Bo Derek charters this boat. She's like, you guys got to take me to this island.

It's all very like hush, hush or whatever. She does hilariously fall off the boat. A lot of people falling into water in this movie. It never quite gets entertaining. And so she gets to this island and it's like they blow the horn or whatever. and we cut to Richard Harris And he's like waking up He's like sleeping on the beach With some lady Lady and a sheep dog Just hanging out in this bungalow

You mean Richard Harris's fucking hellhounds That he has in this movie dude? Those things are huge They're massive but they're also like old There's these fucking old ass mangy dogs Climbing mountains in this movie Note of import He has named his lady friend

Africa Yeah It's because he doesn't want to just fuck Africa, figuratively. He wants to fuck Africa literally. Well, because he's that kind of colonialist. He didn't get to do it like his aunts. Yeah, yeah. They really got to do the shit.

Oh, yeah, really? It was like, I was born 200 years too late. By the way, speaking of born too late, Richard, look at Richard Harris in this movie specifically. It's just Jared Harris. It's like the fucking broom in Fantasia. Like, you cut that thing in half. And a little one popped up, and it was Jared Harris.

It is kind of nuts, man. He looks exactly like his father. Very strange. You get those sometimes. It's creepy. Are they attracted to each other? Oh, maybe. Well, what does your TV say?

What's your TV tell you? Well, I think they raised each other, so it's a little different. Is it? Yeah. Well, there's some, I read some people, they like that. Some people do like that. It's called incense. Incense?

Yes, it is called incense. You light it? You, listen, that initial spark of attraction. You light it, and then, man, it smells once you're doing it. Oh, yeah, you got to blow it. You got to blow it out so that it starts smelling, stinking up your fucking house with the incense. In other words, it has to cherry.

Yeah, exactly. You want to get that cherry going. Really get her nice and hot before it pops. This is all important. So there's a, y'all go ahead. Oh, no. So she shows up and he's super excited to see her. He's like screaming.

He's screaming. He's got all these people on his compound. I don't even know what's going on. this compound. I'll tell you what, if this compound was left to its own devices, dude, no more than like six months after the events of this film, group suicide. Yeah. Oh, that'd be great. It kind of reminded me of like Cobra Verde or the Klaus Kinski. Oh, sure. I had more of a Fitzcaraldo vibe. He's trying to get the boat over the fucking mountain. But the thing is the most, one of the worst lines of this movie, problematically, is they're all running out to see her and it's all these

kids, these African kids that are running out and he goes, go, go everyone, go my babies, go my beautiful black babies. And everyone was like, oh God, what I'm watching? Oh shit, what am I watching? It's this obnoxious piece of shit, colonialist

mentality. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. I love Africa. No you don't, you white, fuck. Fuck you, fuck you dude. Get out of that continent. Leave it alone. They don't want you here. You love it like a shot. on marriage.

Just come on. Also what's great is, so he starts being a fucking creep like almost immediately. And, you know, she says something about like, well, he's like, blah, blah, blah, my loving daughter. And she's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You left when I was, you know, I wasn't even a year old, blah, blah, blah. And he's, and you left me and my mother. And he's like, oh, yeah, and how is the old bird?

And she's like, well, she's dead. and there was a great funeral and fuck you and it's so awesome because he feels terrible all this piece of shit is instantly regretting all of his life choices

and this is when he switches to wanting to kind of fuck his daughter because he's like oh she's gone you look so much like her you're an aspect sting her and this was it's all her like

okay mother's dead I should go and meet my biological father that's what this is really about well that's what the old men in the fucking you know lounge tell you at the beginning she never fucking

like here's a question but you can't even tell because I don't know I didn't order this so anyway this bird right she comes over I didn't have any the narration

just has fucking wild restaurant sounds in it where are these oysters from mozzarella sticks up yeah yeah I'll get there a second you got a mozzarella under stick for Justin

so there's a bird right she's coming over double cheeseburger for Kevin Kevin your food is ready Kevin, you know, but we also ordered a cassidia. Where's the cassidia? Should we wait for Roger to come back from the bathroom? We should we keep going?

And here's your little bad's blues? Kevin, if you don't pick up your fucking cheeseburger, we're going to eat it on you. All right, all right. Could you meant keep it down? Me and my daughter are eating. Oh, your daughter's very nice. Why's the restaurant person doing this?

There's too many threads going here, man, at this English apple bees. What would an English apple bees be called? In 1925. It's got to go bangers. Well, here's the thing. U.K. Bees, dude.

UK listeners, listen, I'm sure you have shitty restaurants, shitty restaurants. What is the UK equivalent of an applebees? If you don't know what an applebees is, good for you. You're already better than us. And does the UK have a car side to go? That's a real question. Right. It's basically, think of something like a McDonald's, but there's a waiter for some

now you have to tip in this scenario to McDonald's just takes a lot longer so yeah he's like he goes up to her like they're having dinner in this tent after she reveals that

her mother is dead he's like touching her face he's like you're so fragile so beautiful you look so much like her oh my God close enough

and she's like no like she has to like kind of ward and she's aware of it She's not like a naive, anything. She's, you know, she's kind of tough and sweet smart. She warms to it eventually down the road. Kind of sort. Yeah, kind of sort of. At first, she's got the shutters up.

Rightfully so. So, right from the get-go, it's like, by the way, you found me, your long-lost father. Just the day before I'm about to venture out into the jungle to try to track down this nefarious white ape. and I'm going to stuff him and put him on the wall. Isn't he trying to... This part was confusing to me and the audio is really bad

in this movie. I rented it on Amazon. Yes, it's just shit. He's trying to find a land. An elephant graveyard. Some of ivory. That's what the beach is. When he goes to the beach

he loses his fucking mind. Tarzan is just a bonus kill. Yeah, it's like this... Well, because he doesn't even know he's going to be... Because as we said, you don't fucking hear from Tarzan until 35 minutes in. When he looked at the Facebook event, Tarzan had only clicked interested.

He didn't say yes or no. I don't know if the fucking white ape is going to be there. He just says interested. That's almost an instant no. Yeah, I mean, some people say interested. They go very few, but more often than no. Doesn't he know I have a menu to finish up for the event? This is Tarzan without Tarzan.

It certainly is. It takes forever, at least 50 minutes, I think. And so much of this, you want to talk about fucking Herzog, man. This is like a gear up. Like, we're just going down the river as slow as possible. I kind of think Richard Harris is good in this. I would, I will say, I think Bo Derek is one of the worst actresses we've ever put on the street. She's awful.

She's, she is cap shawing through this whole fucking thing, man. You wish it was Kate Capshaw. You fucking wish. Yes, you definitely do. I am fucking praying for Kate Capshaw, dude. But that's, like, the worst parts of that performance is, like, what this all is. Yes. There's no even, like, you don't even realize.

At the very least, you can hit the high notes. There's, like, no emotion coming out of Bo Derek. Nope, not at all. No, I mean, like, fucking Bo Derek makes Willie Scott look like the most excitable character ever to hit the cinema screens, man. Because, yeah, and like, Harris is doing this, like, you know, white man out on his own, off on a limb, kind of just gone mad kind of a thing. Right, but also, like, we're not given any of what could have led to that.

And that's kind of interesting. like you're just here you've been searching for this you know graveyard you know because you want to peel for all this fucking ivory and whatnot like there's a story there about how this dude like it's a fucking are you on a story all right hey

Randy come over here he wants to eat here the early part of the story who's round is it by the way or a couple more punts Randy before you tell that great story you better get your fucking fat ass over here and get these mozzarella

are you done with these already Randy knows your original Paul yeah Randy come get the matrella It's just, there's so much there. A couple more points, love. It's kind of like a fucking Colonel Kurt's situation, right? Like, that should be the other thing also.

Like, she gets to that island. He's not there. Yeah. It's like, oh, motherfucker went off into the jungle like three weeks ago. We haven't seen him. She goes in with, what's this other dude's name, Phil? Holtz. Oh, Holtz.

I will never guess the right. Doug. There is a moment where she sees Holtz. That would be a good one. God, I can't remember. John Philip Hall, right? Yes. And he said,

that he said, Philip Baker Halls in this movie? No, John Philip Law. Oh. And he, yeah, Steve, check that for me. John Wilkes Booth? Hey, he was an actor, man. He was.

John Wilkes Booth and Star Wars. No, I'm telling this story. So John Wilkes Booth, right? He was right there. Matchos for John Wilk's Booth? He played Greed out, man. Anyway Anyway

John Philip law You're correct Yes He like There's like a mad elephant On this property Before they go out on this voyage And he's able to tame it

Oh right Just without brute force He's just singing to it like a drunkard And it you know Jane like sees that as like It's kind of sexy Yeah Maybe I will feel

fuck my dad. Well, because that is something on the table. This is a whole, not the father, but that is something Tarzan would do. Exactly.

That's what he has a ability for. What I'm saying is this dude is buttering Tarzan's bread, right? Like,

this is getting, it's like, she sees the, anyway, this is something that she'll see later in Tarzan. Yeah.

Oh, I see. She's got a thing for that kind of thing. Because all the other men in her life so far have been body Brits shooting things. And these dudes

that try, to rape her. Yes, that's a good point. So she go, they go out and like, it's like, we're going to go find this place. Uh, it takes a very long time. There's a rock we need to ascend. Yeah, they got to climb a mountain. Have you ever thought of going around it. Yeah, seriously. They fucking lose a man on this part of the journey. And it's hilarious. Like, you see them, dude, by the way, one by one, slowly trying to climb up. And John Derek is a genius director because every time somebody goes up, they show the rope. get a little bit thinner.

Oh, my God. I swear a few times it has recycled the same shot. Well, no, it's not thin quite yet. There's still 15 more men and a donkey to go. And, you know, they all like climb up here. And then this last dude and the rope breaks and this dude falls to his death,

which then fucking, what's his name? Mr. Harris here. Yeah, whatever. Parker. James Parker. Oh, James Parker. Yes, his character's name. Just yells out to this, this dude or the heavens.

I don't know. He goes, why did you do that? Why? I think it's, he's talking to God. Yes. Like, God is the one who cut the rope. Oh, I see. It had nothing to do with the friction of it against rock.

The sharp stone that they put it up. No, it's just about the villainy of the Lord. This guy has renounced the Lord a long time ago. It's always the fault of the only person who's more powerful than him. Yeah, that's true. And I mean, I know about John Derek, this would be a problem, and it would facilitate black people talking, which we don't like in this movie at all. But, like, make these guys' characters. Who's on this journey?

You know what I mean? Like, when that guy dies, it's like, it should be like, oh, shit, that's Jerry or whatever this guy's name. Dude, there's so many unnamed people on this mission. It's crazy. I feel like you're asking for a lot there, though. I guess that's the dollar. Not a character. Yeah.

Like her whole- But she talks and does things. And she's got tats. This movie loves boobs This movie show boob Her talking really doesn't amount to much It's just kind of like air time to fill Well because Bo Derek is fucking terrible

Dude I am sorry she is terrible I think she figured it out in Tommy Boy That's I was just about to say The only time I think she figured it out was in Tommy Boy Like her performance is Tommy Boy It's exactly what you want it to be Also the star of that film is Chris Farley And the co-star is David Spade

She is way down She is sub-Roblo on that list. She's got like eight scenes, tops. You can handle eight scenes. Oh, I think you're being generous, Chris Cabin. Eight scenes? I'm, maybe the deleted scenes. I'd keep it a solid four.

Four. Deleted scenes? A Tommy Boy? What are you talking about? Yeah, they didn't cut anything. Tommy Boy was perfect. Another round of Pines. We're talking Tommy Boy.

I said, how many scenes all there in Tommy Boy? Right. Hey, don't start telling that Dan Akron's story until I get out there. All right. I got a good one. I got a good. No. Can we get some extra social, please?

Extra salsa. I always got sad when Brian Denner, he died. Oh, dude, by the way, to die at your own wedding reception, that is hard. Yeah, I think they should have nullified that wedding for sure. Yeah. Hey, fingers crossed, Steve. Actually, yeah, you're totally right. That wedding,

that marriage, like, would not exist. Figures cross for what? Oh, me died at my wedding? Oh, you got a fucking wedding reception coming up. You're just saying, I hope you make through, make it through. Well, that's the thing is I'm not going to do any fucking James Brown at my wedding. You know, that's a move.

I know I'm too big for James Brown. There are certain people. Too big for James Brown. That's your Netflix half hour. I mean, physically. And don't, don't, whatever you do, don't bring your fat, dumb son up. Oh, man, I can't bring up Rudy.

Rudy say that, my 40-year-old son. He's the only Rudy that can fail. Andrew, about 10 minutes ago, you're a. Your boob theory, like, made me realize something about this movie. Oh, sure. This movie is trying, like, the audience is Tarzan. We are experiencing the utter boredom of living in the absolute wild. And then when we see boobs on screen, which is what it's sold for to the, you know, Tarzan-esque crowds that only care about that.

Yeah. They see it and they go wild. They go, in fact, ape shit. Well, you know what? That was, what I was thinking was the first. first half of the movie is essentially National Geographic. Sure. The second half is essentially National Geographic

for lunatics and horny people. I thought that was just regular National Geographic. He's got you there. Perverts. So we make base camp on this mountain and this is when we first hear the Tarzan roar with just the same exact sound effect. Just played again.

It is the morning zoo. It probably had a tape recorder there. It wasn't even in post. It's talking. It's I'm Tarzan and the ape man in the morning. I'm Charzan, this is the ape man. Oook, ook.

To be the ape man of that morning duo, that stinks. The fact that there would be a Tarzan dude and an ape man dude. I love it. But yeah, I mean, and like this is when Richard Harris kind of gets into the lore of Tarzan. Like, everyone worships as a god. They think he's an ape, but some people say he's a man and he's either 10 feet or 100 feet. Some people say he's an ape and some people say he's a man. This is like the Tarzan sitcom you could have done in the 80s, too.

Oh, man, that'd be great. He's Tarzan, the businessman. Oh, yeah. Hey, Tarzan, mow your lawn! You get any Saturday Night Live reject on that one? Oh, you know. Isn't that awfully close to that talking Neanderthal show, though? Oh, right.

What was that Caveman? The Geico Caveman. That shit should have been fucking... Oh, you should have got Kevin Nealyn to do it, because Kevin Nealyn did do Tarzan at Saturday Live, right? That's right. Ook, Ook, Ook. But so they're telling this story

And all of his team Gets like Afraid of what's going on Right they're like They freak out And they start to leave And he goes to Africa He's like Africa

Tell these cars To find their fucking balls All right And like she's like Okay I'm sort of a character In this movie That's generous

But okay Yeah And like so we kind of Continue on On this journey When did the painted People start to pop up Well

Oh the Blue Man group Well here's what happens. We reach, as the fix would say, we reach the beach. Oh yeah, the nude swim, right? And so there's, she's immediately like, I have to go nude swimming. Sure. And you're like, okay. He casts everyone out. He's like, yeah, my daughter is going to take a naked bath in the ocean. They find paradise and all these guys are like, oh my God, a fucking spring. Oh, like, no, no, no, white lady first. She's got to swim

nude in the ocean, man. And now the audience goes, ooh, ooh. Right, dude. She's like, la la la swimming right talking to Tommy away speaking of no one's looking and my favorite character in this movie arrives dude and it is this lion this lion comes up and she's like freaking out and she has to run

back into the ocean you think he goes up to catcaller or what no I think this dude that's a good one Steve no yeah I got it moved on I found it in Eric's garbage this morning you're just dust it off Steve Here you go.

Oh, take my cat call a joke. It's about a lion. It'll kill. You threw this all away with the napkin? You got a big cat in this movie. Come on, take it. Oh, that joke wasn't in the garbage. It was on the garbage.

She was a little hot dog in here. I hardly took a bite. No, but this lion is great because he has no fucking idea what's going on. He's just coming up like, hey, what's going on? And she's like, ah, it freaks out. And then Tarzan comes into the situation. This is our 45-minute Tarzan, Mark. He comes up and starts, like, trying to pretend.

you see this lion, this lion actor, actually fucking go after this dude? Dude, it's terrified. Paw at him? I thought I was watching Roar. Dude, that movie will fill you with anxiety like no other movie ever. Absolutely. When you're not laughing.

You're laughing, but there's so many lions in every given scene. You're like, why would anyone subject themselves? Why are there so many lions? Because it's like, oh, you know, it's a movie. What's the worst that could happen to me? You can get fucking killed, man. Well, there's also a giant snake later, which I don't know. why anyone agreed to do this.

Yep, nope, nope. Oh, you mean Ken Jacobs, Tarzan? Jesus fucking Christ. Also, though, I got to tell you, man, this lion's gigantic lion testicles right for everybody to see. Just filming right up at this lion. You said Tarzan Taint later.

This is where I first saw the taint. Oh. Oh, no, you got an earlier Tarzan Taint than I did? He spent over for quite a while, and it's not like that thing's covered any. We should have done this minute by minute. We should do minute by minute. But we actually, speaking of the first minute of the movie, the first couple minutes.

So it would be almost a year until we got to Tarzan, by the way. Oh, God. What a fucking grim existence. You, yeah. No, you see sidecock of Richard Harris. Oh. Wait, what? In the beginning of this movie.

Yeah, yeah. I got to go, no, no, no. Screw minute by minute. We're doing frame by frame. No, it's like him when she's first coming to the island. He's just got his dick out a little bit. Dude, do you see his like Pith helmet or? He's an explorer

Is he got a Pithelmet or? And you also get a lot of his underass. Yeah, a lot of underass. But he said, oh, let me take a quick bath for my door. And his dick is just hanging out there. I didn't even notice. Oh, dude, that's where I looked. That is fantastic.

It's all right. We might as well have that. So, like, Tarzan saves Jane after some, like, screaming. She's screaming at Tarzan and the lion. There is a bit of production note about this. So, like, I think, later in the movie. They got the lion drunk.

No, the lion was apparently very protective of Bo Derek. So I think at one point when Tarzan lunges at her, the lion who everyone thought was in a cage was not in a cage and ran after Tarzan. Oh shit. The trainer caught it and brought it away.

But that's why you don't fuck with animals on movies man. And especially the monkeys in this movie, the apes are right there like crawling all of these people. This is where everything's CGI. Like nowadays, every animal would have been played by Andy's circus. Yeah, dude, totally like in that one movie I saw with Anthony

Hopkins and his CGI dick almost. Hannibal? No, what was that thing? Bayo Wolf. I'm having some dick for dinner. Oh, yeah. Wait, no, isn't that Ray Winston? No, but Anthony Hopkins is in that. Oh, really? He's in that Bayo Wolf movie. Good luck getting me remember that movie.

No, I know. Bayo Wolf's dad, I believe. Dude, here's how terrible that movie is. I saw Daddy Wolf. I saw Bayo Wolf 3D IMAX out of fucking a resort in Atlanta. City. That is where you see Beowulf 3D. I think that's a stay

tuned probably. For the fucking digital cock alone, there's almost CGI Wiener in that movie. Well, you know what the CG, because the legend of Tarzan movie that came out, was it last year the year before? It was last year with Alexander Sars card, right? It was fucking horrible. Was it? Wasn't Samuel Jackson in that movie?

He is in it. And it's all CGI animals. What are we doing though? It's stupid. It's awful. How long do I have to wait for Tarzan in that movie? Not long at all. He's there pretty early. Well, you know what? It's already got a leg up on this movie. Although Tarzan Garb, you got to wait like 25 minutes. Oh, he's got to find.

But that's, oh, because it's about him going back. Yes. Guys, speaking of CGI animals, we do eventually get, well, it's not a CGI animal, but it could have been because I thought Caesar was showing up when there's an ape riding an elephant at one point in this movie. Yeah, that was pretty cool. That was so awesome. Highlight of the movie.

I'm sure they were both mercilessly tortured to get this shot. But an ape is riding an elephant like it's a fucking horse. John Derek knows how to cut corners. How many elephants do you think bid it during this movie? Seven. Seven. Totally at least. No less than lucky seven.

He got out an ivory stapler and stapled this ape to the back of this elephant. John Derek's look, give me the money for the movie. Two things. You'll see my wife's touch. It'll be awesome. And worst case scenario, we pay you back with all the ivory we're going to get. When these elephants cook it. You know, when the circus tortures those things to death, it's not always to death.

We could get some of the used elephants. Oh, my God. The broken down kind. Yeah, it's still good. I just need him for one shot. Just one shot, Max. After that, they just stand for 40 seconds. Yeah, after that, I just give them the old Thomas Edison.

I hook up these electrodes. There you go. You don't have to feed him no more. And then you sell the ivory of the ivy people. You make money. You'll make money with this move. Hand over hoof. Elephant hoof. So Tarzan gets scared away by Richard Harris and Holt they come out with guns.

Right. He runs away. I think at this point, the painted tribe steals Africa. Which is Richard Harris's wife. Correct. Wife, it's very generous. Hosted. Sexual hostage.

That's the way of it. Property. Yes. And they take her. he freaks out about that they think it's Tarzan that did it he's like oh it's that white ape blah blah blah I'm going to kill that white ape and at this point 30 seconds later

she gets kidnapped by Tarzan right it's hilarious what happens here so she she goes into the river to kind of like bathe a little bit because that t-shirt dried out which is a problem you got to get that thing soaked again and Richard Harris says to

what's this guy's name Jeff what Holt Holt Holt Holt And he's like, all right, Holt, now you watch after my daughter, we're going to walk ahead, but she's got to get that t-shirt soaked because I started not seeing nipple, and that was a real problem.

So she goes down to the river bed and she's bathing, and then Halt is not paying attention. She somehow manages to fall in this river. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Tarzan grabs her and brings her underwater. Oh, I thought she fucking fell in.

No, it's like a spy passing, like a speeding bus. He just vanishes. Dude, I didn't even see it. I swear to God, I didn't see it. This is a movie that begs not to be watched. If your dog or something runs by, you're moving your eyes. I was like, look a blue car. There it goes.

And by the way, she doesn't scream. She's underwater, Chris Cabin. Well, no, she's got a minute there when a big hulking thing comes and takes her. Yeah. And he grabs her and brings her back to his area. And at this point, this is when the snake pops up. This is around the snake. There's something, she's like firing a rifle in the woods for them to hear her.

That doesn't work out. And the snake grabs her and this huge snake grabs her. And like, if you're the producer of this, a producer of this movie, you're like, all right, you know, it's, you know, the first 80 pages of the script are really sparse. But at least on page 81, there's that big snake battle. You know what? You know what, John, show me the dailies of the snake battle. And like, this is such a disaster. Nothing happens.

It's, you've been sitting there like, okay, at least now Tarzan's going. going to fight a thing. The battle is terrible, but the thing constricting around Boderic, I was getting afraid. I thought it was fake, though. It's Ninja Scroll, dude. This is for somebody's pleasure.

I saw a choppy head. Is it fake? I think it's fake? I was like, I was uncomfortable. I was dancing around like, oh my God, look at this thing. I mean, I will say, it looks very impressive. Yeah. And if you were to say to me like, oh, that was a real snake,

I'd totally buy it. But how? Well, that's how, that's how. You got a snake guy. This is John Derek's power as a filmmaker. Uh-huh. He takes a fucking piece. A piece of shit fucking, you know, sock puppet snake.

Uh-huh. And you just fucking throw all the slow mo and dissolves at it that you fucking can. Yeah. And you somewhat maybe possibly, though, he goes on for three minutes. Uh, you make it maybe look like something. Sure. It's either that or, see, I was thinking, he doesn't care about. about his wife that much.

I mean, she's pretty and all, but he'll get another one. But it's not even his wife yet. I mean, it's just... Wait, what? Really? I thought they... Oh, John Derek. Okay, I thought you talked about Tarzan. Oh, no, he's talking about the Derricks.

And I believe that he married her and she's like 17 or some shit. Speaking of an age gap. Right, didn't they like 16? No. They fled to Germany so they would avoid prosecution. Yeah. Oh, yeah, let's get married. So, but no, but that's it.

So it's strict. And then Tarzan comes to say, you're like, yes, it's the big moment. But like Chris said, like, it said they go in the Black Lodge. Like everything gets trippy and weird. We're just like dissolve on top of dissolve, on top of another dissolve and another dissolve. And you don't even see what's happening. You just see Tarzan kind of like splashing in the water with the snake.

You're actually moving into the avant-garde here. You absolutely are. You could have, when film forum was just a classroom, you could have played this here. Absolutely. And Chris Cabin mentioned Ken Jacobs look up that dude's work. You'll know exactly what he's talking about. Also follow him on Twitter. I mean, fucking any of it.

those guys man but also like clearly this is meant to be slightly erotic oh of course yeah this fucking big slithering thing around my wife oh my god could you guys imagine if like a penis was 50 feet long i could just like rap it wouldn't even you can't penetrating is out of the question no but then that's hilarious and rubbing wrapping wrapping and rubbing when we get jane out of the picture and then it's just tarzan v snake then it becomes like a kenneth anger film yes right because then it's just what happened if a buff guy was getting snaked oh all right you could wrap that one up love yeah that's good last idea the snake was huge right it was huge vainy and thick and Doug did you want those mozzarella sticks wrapped up yeah you could do the whole thing just to make

sure i got it all get get to shay mortar ready for next week's recording session for Horny History. We were doing here in the pub every Thursday. Someone start that we will appear on Horny History. Oh, come on, appear on Horny History. What's the matter with you? Steve, they're doing Ava Braun. Oh, well, all right.

But yeah, so he's just rassling this snake. And yeah, it is pretty sexy on but for everybody in the audience. It just takes fucking forever. three minutes is being generous Chris Cabin. It felt like five, six minutes. But it should be a thing where he fights it and things happen. That's why I think it's fake, though. Because it's like, how do we make this look like

anything? This is why I thought it was real because it's like, you can't fight a fucking snake. You're fucking crazy. It'll fall into the water with you. We've got to call cut and run. And as if this movie was getting way too exciting, which it was, Tarzan gets bit by this snake and has to go to sleep for

a really long time. Yes. And so What happens here is he battles off this snake. He does have some wounds like Steve mentioned. He gets Jane on his back and runs into the forest and they get to like his little safe area. And he passes out. And this is where there is some supreme grade A prime cut Tarzan Taint. Oh, really? Because he falls over like, I'm so tired.

And his ass goes up in the air and that taint is just there. You get to see his balls at all? No balls. Not that I could spot. That's when you have to do the frame. by frame. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's there.

It was a blick and you miss his hat. He wasn't wearing cargo shorts, so you couldn't see his balls. It wasn't storm chasing. I missed. I miss. Listen, I feel terrible because I missed the ball. I mean, I missed the taint. And now I wish there were balls.

You missed fucking Richard Harris's side dick, man. Damn it, but I miss all the good parts. You missed a minute. You have to watch all 115 minutes again. Yes, I'll watch this again. For balls. So this is the most impressive. stunt in the movie is when he

passes out this elephant comes up and scoops him up. Totally. That was pretty impressive. This is the one with Caesar on it. Yeah, Caesar is riding this elephant and it was just like this is the one human we can trust. It will truly be a planet of taint's.

Oh, that taint disease turned everyone into taints. What's great too? That taint disease took my son. Oh no, I'm turning into a taint. The end of the movie is me, Woody Harrelson, turning into a taint. It's you maniacs!

We're all taints! I'm shooting these guys in the dick before they turn into taints. It's the most humane thing we could do right now. It's snowing. Now I'm a sad taint. Oh, man, and James Franco started that whole taint disease. He doesn't even know it. That checks out.

He's long in the ground. Yeah, I wish those movies told you what happened. Happen to him. He's definitely dead. I know, but I wish they told you. Yeah, you showed it. Gary Oldman's also fucking in the garden. I don't know. Do they show Gary Oldman getting fucking wrecked? Gary Oldman? The second one. He's the main villain in the second movie. That sounds familiar. That sounds familiar. For a second, I was like, you mean John Lithgow, buddy. Yeah, no, I think you're right. Note to self lay off the pipe. I kind of remember that one. Note to self, go ape. Watch those movies again, man. What's awesome, by the way, when this elephant picks up Tars in and takes him into like their fucking you know fortress of solitude or whatever all the other like animals that he's buds with go with and beau derrick has left hanging out and she's like well i guess i'll follow this uh strange feral man and a bunch of wild animals into this jungle we talked whatever you say mr elephant we talked about the dissolvathon taking like three to five minutes and like that's like everything that's seen with the lion at the thing like she keeps on going in

out of the ways and in this case when the taint is on you know fully out there yeah full displayed taint it's on fire my taint is on fire this taint is on fire oh man venereal disease

seriously gets some cream for that it's linds vons sloping down the slopes this taint is on fire and just cutting to Alicia Keys singing those words just be beautiful but like in this seat like she's just like

trying to decide if she's going to look at his dick or not yeah oh that's the best she's like touching it no this is disgusting this is it's so much more disgusting though when you when you work in the fucking brilliant screenplay here

because this is happening and she's first of all she's talking to an ape and she's like excuse me Mr. ape I've never been with a man before I've never touched a man I guess I'm going to touch a man now

oh this feels kind of good and then she's like that's right dad you didn't believe me but i'm a virgin and i'm still a virgin and now i'm touching taint in the jungle and fuck you and richard harris is like i don't know man what that thank you because i didn't recall any convo about like were you fucking yet well there was this thing where in i mean like when in between when she meets tarzan and when uh richard and when she gets kidnapped richard harris is like that ape wants one thing from you you you know what that is

the same thing I want yeah exactly and you know we're doing a bad Richard Harris but yeah he keeps saying I'll have that ape son of a bitch's head like over and over and over again because now we're cutting back to Richard Harris is part of this movie it's just him Holt and this whole team and now both Africa

and her are kidnapped and they're just kind of trying to find Tarzan they do this thing where like they have unlimited they put in the fucking cheat code for unlimited bullets apparently oh yeah we're going to fire our rifles off every 15 minutes Yeah, it's a good idea. Well, that's like, you know,

you hear the one and then you fire off. Yeah, so we all know. We all know everybody's alive because we're splitting up in the jungle, great idea. That's like in the Bronx when you're trying to find your friends. You go, yo!

And they go, yo! That's right, dude. That's what you do. That's sweet. But, like, so he's asleep and she's, like, grabbing his balls. I've never touched a man before. It's nice.

And she's next to this monkey, man. That would freak me to fuck. Monkeys have that switch. It's that fucking, it's, I'm going to rip your face off. Yes, dude, it's the face-eating switch. And you don't know when it's going to happen? That's right.

I'm not going to be it alone to the monkey. I'm not going to... We'll get to the end credits, but the monkeys get a little bit more than... Yeah, that's a big gross. So he wakes up and, like, it takes forever... His movie sucks. It's not even a will... It's just the won't they.

Like, there's no will-day won't they. Right. He wakes up and, like, he's kind of aggressive. Yeah, he freaks out. Like, the third in a series of, like, nine classic Tarzan freak. out's in this movie. Apparently, the guy who was supposed to play Tarzan was either injured or quit, and then this guy, Miles O'Keefe, was the stunt double. Yeah, the rumor was the dude who played Tarzan got fired. Oh, okay. Yeah. Don't know how much truth is that. Well, this is acting not up to

par. I mean, come on. I mean, Tarzan looks fantastic. I mean, this guy's Adonis. He's an Adonis. But also, if that's the case, because yet, this motherfucker doesn't have to say anything. And don't start talking about like acting with your eyes fuck you this is tarzan the eight man we're talking about just hire that stunt double yeah immediately hire that stunt double he's gorgeous he could be fucking stupid as sin it doesn't even matter

he doesn't have to say anything that's part of the part you should have got it's not smart you should have got Hollywood's greatest mind Doug Jones to play Tarzan then you're acting with your eyes how old was he at the time like nine he was probably six foot three at that point

Let's do it, John And little Douggy Joe The star is there All right So now a baby's having sex with my wife And she's gonna The baby's gonna grope my wife's breasts This is the part where we see the baby's taint

She's like teaching him at a smile Like it's hook a little bit You know That's pretty dumb She's doing that and then he does that to her And she's like He doesn't talk So she's just talking over him

Kind of having a conversation to herself And says a bunch of words weird shit to this dude because it's fun because he doesn't know what words are because she's just like oh you know

I'm a virgin you've got to be a virgin you'd have to be a virgin I'm also going to I like the idea of Tarzan having an ex-girlfriend it's all this but just

oh man oh no here comes Crystal Oook hey Tarzan you still owe me from Friday night you piece of shit oh ook

yeah I'm all drinks love we're talking about Tarzan's ex-Birds. This monkey steak went cold, you son of a bitch! I want you to know that you have a whore living in your treehouse. Tarzan, 6B! We needed those bananas. I'm sorry!

6B, by the way, for six bananas. He lives on the branch with six bananas. I love that idea of Tarzan's girlfriend threw out six bananas. Oh, this movie's so fucking stupid. Oh, dear Christ. Picking up all the peels. Also, just a rule of thumb. Don't try to have sex with somebody you have to teach to smile.

Yeah, that's a great. If you have to teach someone basic human emotion, you are raping that. Yep. Welcome back to Chris Cabin's love tips. Shut up, Dr. drew so like they're about to kiss is that what's happening so this is what's weird is tarzan climbs up into like this little tree for oh this is what he's grabbing her breasts well tarzan pulls her up and whatnot and then she passes out and then tarzan decides he's gonna make a move oh right and it's like hey tarzan

she's asleep well she's awake when the first grope happens when like she's on her and she's like oh my oh my yeah well because you can see and it's it's so dumb But you can see, like, Tarzan's, like, you know, squeezing a breast. And the look that this actor is supposed to be conveying is, like, you've got these, but I don't. As if, like, he doesn't even know what a woman is. But again, there are human beings on this island. Tarzan knows what boobs are. He should know what.

I mean, like, we don't know that, but we should. Like, there are people. There's this other tribe, like, five minutes away. Yeah, exactly. There's another tribe not far away. Granted, he's, like, raided their area and, like, stolen shit from them probably of course he probably steals people every week and eats them but probably that's but that's the thing the character whole point in tarzan in this movie is a hot

fucking beefcake yeah like there's nothing else to him that let that beefcake fuck what are the weirdest lines she has until the end you son of a bitch which is interesting she's like you're prettier than any girl i know yes that's a weird that's right well tarzan you know you know aside from not having breasts i just i agree on that one i agree with you Shane. I just, yeah. He's a, he's a pretty boy. You know, he's not like, oh, yo, yeah, another beer love. Yeah, he's not like the four of us in this room. I think that I feel like John Derek was like furiously masturbating and writing things out. Writing things out for both Derek to read. Yeah. No, to read off. Not with his cum, Chris. I'm going to put a pin in that. Listen, no, he took out his pen 15. Oh, man. Scribbled out some cum, man. But he's like, he's pretty. He's pretty. any girl you know You know it's a

You know it's a particularly stupid part of this movie Oh which one While this is going on where Jane is being molested in a tree for it We cut to the beach really quick To see Richard Harris beating up a bonfire Do you remember this shot? It's so stupid because he's like I've got an idea that's it

We'll get a fire going That's what we'll do hold build a fire Right as soon as this fire is lit she will see it and come back to the base camp. That doesn't work because she's with Tarzan and she's ready to go. And it just cuts back and he's frustrated that his plan didn't work and he takes a log and he's like beating this. Damn you, bonfire! That's a bad idea, Richard Harris.

I would have just loved of his fucking tattered shirt caught a flame. So the end of this movie sort of, or like the beginning of the end of this movie is like so all three groups, there's three groups. It's Richard Harris, Holtz group. And this other guy's group are all going to split up and try and find Jane. They're going to have three different directions, fire guns every 15 minutes to find each other. And as they're doing this, the tribe raids the first group. Yeah, so the other guy. Yeah, the African character who doesn't have any dialogue.

Ivory King, he's credited as. Is that right? Yeah. Ivory King. Well, yeah, so it's the group with no white people in it that gets fucking decimated first. They get killed, and cutting back to Tarzan and Jane, she gets away from Tar. Oh, no, that's right. Richard Harris finds her. They sort of meet up real quick, and then just as soon as they meet up, there was yet another kidnapping.

Well, because Holt and Richard Harris are trying to shoot Tarzan down. Right. And she's like, no, don't do that. And while she's doing, no, don't do that, she's getting kidnapped. Oh, that's right. These dudes, these other, like, native folk, like, come out of the woods and, like, snatch her really quickly. And I describe them that as such, because I'm assuming this is not accurate. Well, they don't even bring out the paint and cans to fucking bash on. So I don't know what to. You know, I saw them live in 2002, not bad.

Oh, really? Did you see them at that East Village theater? Oh, that's stump. I didn't. Oh, no, but they also have a theater somewhere. They do. Yeah. It's not the one I was thinking of.

No, it was the one and only time I saw David Bowie in concert. It was at a festival, and they were like, the two. 2 p.m. Slot. Oh. Bowie was like 8 or 9. But big bullshit about that is Mobe was the lead the headline of David Bowie open for Moby. That sucks. I want to retroactively burn down the amphitheater.

That's not a bad idea, dude. Hey, do that Boren identity song, I guess. It was a lot of that. I'll tell you what, though. I recently, the vinyl club that I'm a part of Moby's play album. was like the pick of the mom. That record is fucking awesome. He was actually not that bad live.

He was very energetic on stage, which I did not predict. I saw him at Ciana College. He was great. Wasn't there? What's the crazy thing with Moby where he's like, oh, I have all the secret government information that nobody knows about? It's been saying shit like that for years.

I think every electronic artist says that. That's probably true. When you're on the fringe for so long, you know, you just get out there. Also, a burial and A-FX twin or just got secrets. Oh, A-Fex Twin knows some shit. I don't want to know what they know. Yeah, dude, do you see those album covers?

I don't want inside that head. So there's a great, so, like, there's a next morning situation where Tarzan climbs down the tree. Yeah. And he starts, like, taking a bath in the river. He's like, oh, man. She slept over. And she goes down and takes a bath with him and whatnot. Then they're just kind of hanging out for a little bit on the bank of the river.

and she's like she says something she's like hey dad I'm still a virgin like she brings it up again and then man this may be the most egregious part of this movie

she starts sexily eating a banana all right this is the problem and the sexy banana is is a big problem she does all this like I've got my finger in my mouth thing but it's not even like

it's supposed to be a nervous sexy tick but it looks like she's got she's trying to pick out broccoli. You know what I mean? Like her teeth I just like, I don't know what I want to do. I'm like, Tarzan, did I get it? Tarzan. I didn't. Put your phone. Can I borrow your phone, Tarzan? Tarzan, can I borrow your phone?

This is how bad this was. I didn't even see really, because it's really at the bottom. Like, I didn't really know it was a banana. And I was like, it can't be a banana. That'd be too on the nose. That'd just be too fucking loud even for this movie. Yeah. Give her a banana. Also, that's that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, he didn't called cut he called cut that's that he knew to cut oh he called cum yes take away the mango he called nut that's better that's better uh either way it's gross but john derrick was a gross person so i'm glad he's dead uh no so there's i'm glad you're dead uh with this her talking out loud

though i just realized just peeping in my notes real quick part of this is and i think this means that Jane is supposed to be crazy. She is, what she's talking. Wouldn't you have to be? Yeah, that's true. When she's like, it appears she's talking at Tarzan and like narrating whatever, she's acting like this is all in a book. That's right. Because she keeps saying like, oh, is this in a book? Is this in a book? At one point, she's like, well, Tarzan, I think this book we're in is going pretty well. I sure hope it has a happy ending. I think you unlocked everything. This is just the fever dream of those fucking bar maniacs

at the start, those narrators. This, no of this is real. Dude, sick fan theory. I think it's true. That confirms it. I mean, look at Bo. She's on like Tahitian acid this entire movie.

Like, look at her. She's not looking straight at it. Like, her eyes are wide open. Every shot. Yeah. And she's talking like a fucking lunatic. Well, because at one point, like, they're getting,

they're almost getting ready to fuck. She's like, you know, I didn't read this far ahead in the book, Tarzan. And Tarzan's like, what, lady? I don't know, man. Oook. Can you want to get dinner or what? My inner monologue isn't even English,

and this is happening right now. So around here is another Tarzan breast grab, I think, is the idea, because this is where she says, like, Hey, Ted, I hope you were right when you said that this beast just wants to fuck me and not murder me. Right.

Again, just talking to anyone. And he's grabbing it, and John Derrick is also grabbing it at the same time. He called it fixing himself there, Steve. But he fucking did this whole thing in windbreaker pants. Do a little shake. But like, so she gets kidnapped. Everybody gets kidnapped at this point except for Tarzan.

Yes. And you're like, okay, I know what the end of this movie is going to be. He's going to come and save the day. Which is accurate. Sure. But it gets. There's a lot. It's so weird from this point out.

Boy, the road that we take to. get there. We go to this painted tribe kind of a thing. We see that Africa is there. There is a forced shower that goes on for So Eric, we got to take it step by step. All right. So we come to this village. Africa

has been painted. Sure. She's clearly like cap, you know, captured by these people, right? Who knows what's been going on? And clearly happier than she's ever been Richard Harris. I mean, that's one hostage situation to another, at least this week of painting there seems to be like everything's out on the table yeah sure so we see that they have also

captured richard harris and all those people at this point yeah jeff is also captured oh sorry halt everybody's tied to a tree and then it's like oh where could beau derrick be and like john or richard harris is like looking around and whatnot and then you hear like the screams and he looks over like what could that be and she's fucking like hog tied completely nude yeah being scrubbed down by these like village ladies all ladies oh this was doing it for everybody for a long time a long time

splish splash we're taking aback every nook and cranny it should be an insert shot it should be this is weird next scene it shouldn't happen let's fucking start at the time shouldn't fucking happen do you guys but I kind of love the so Richard Harris is tied up

like the deer hunter basically and he's like oh you know just because he knows the fucking writing through the wall. He's like, it's a little bone tomahawky too. He's just like, just to separate your mind from your body. Go to the clouds, Jane. We're taking a merry-go-round.

It's all right. Oh, we're on a merry-go-round. What a fucking lunatic. And then he keeps you like, Mr. Holt, aren't we on a merry-go-round? And Mr. Jones, like, fuck you. I've barely been in this movie. Doesn't he start doing Humpty-Dumpty? Yes.

Well, because she, okay. You most uncomfortable line of the whole movie. So here's what. continues to happen. Sure. So, I mean, this is, fuck you, John Derek. Just big time, man.

She has a line, which is outrageous. Everybody catch this? Oh, I did. They're washing me like a horse. Oh, no. I did catch this line. So that happens. Okay.

So then he starts... The Derek's owned horses. I don't know if you know this. Oh, I see. He's washing me like sprinkles. Bump! Oh, cut it! We'll pick it up tomorrow.

Guys. Not it. Who, John called Nut. We'll pick it up it tomorrow. All right, gang, that's nut. That is a wrap it up on Tarzan the Eight Man. That's a gym sock on Tarzan the Eighth, man. Jesus.

So, yes, they're watching me like a horse, getting like every fucking nook and cranny and whatnot. He starts screaming about like, separate your body from your mind go to the clouds i mean my god and when did this max mad max dude show up that's my question right now yes let's first scene but who is this guy great question what did he do last night because he can't get up from a midday now to save his fucking life this guy is hungover are we talking about the like the jacked dude yeah the butcher of bag dad he's supposed to be i think he's supposed to be like the new head of the tribe

that she's now going to become a servant to. Like, or not a white guy. He's definitely not an African African guy. Like, you know what I mean? Like, well, I don't know about that. I think it's just like,

there's paint on him anyway. Yeah, but I was just saying, who is this? Who is this? I think he's Jason Mamoa's uncle. I know. Like, that's the thing. It's like, if he's the villain

of the movie, and like, and actually, there's no villain of the movie. My stupid brain, because it's been trained to watch movies and I've watched a lot of movies in my day. Sure. I see this big beefcake sleeping and I'm like, oh,

awesome. You know what? This whole movie's going to be stupid, but at the end, Tarzan's going to fight this big dude. Yep. And we got a movie here, everybody. I'm like, oh, I'm petting my cat. Like, hey, Ripley, we're going to watch a movie. No, no, no. It was pornography board. It's going to be a movie now. This is why John

Derek's a genius. Because he subverts your expectation. Oh, that's right. By the way, someone put a fucking mark on the board the first time anybody said that. This podcast constantly making history. I'm trying here. But like, yeah, so like he's kind of, like Eric said,

but it's not even hungover. It's he got a trank dart. It's like he can barely move. He's really struggling to sit up. I don't know what's going. Like people are pushing him into a sitting position. There are not many people credited in this movie. I just pulled up the IMDB Tribune.

And I think he's a guy called Feathers. Okay. Played by Leonard Bailey. Okay. And what's that dude's deal? Nothing. acted in three things. This, body and soul, also of 1981. And then, inexplicably, 1997 film Oblivion, which has, like, no info on it. So I'm sure it's straight to VHS. It's pretty cool.

But so, like, he's waking up, and this is when Richard Harris is like, he knows the deal. He sees this guy. He sees his daughter. He knows they's tied up. He knows that they're paint. They start to paint her, too. To which she yells, they're painting me. Like a horse They're painting me like a horse Just keep saying like a horse Love I'm almost there This is a hilarious part of this movie Because it's his calling card It's the M-O throughout the entire film

Tarzan Taking a long ass time to get anywhere Yeah of course All the by the way One of the most famous parts of Tarzan Right all like the swing on the vines And whatnot fucking terrible Slow motion

Slow motion Slow motion fucking vines It's the same fucking shot like use multiple times when he's got to swing with Jane and then he's swinging by himself, same fucking shot. Slow-mo, it's all out of focus, it's all garbage. But somewhere around here, we're told that Tarzan is

on the way, right? So it becomes... She gets a phone alert. Tarzan is in route. He'll be there in three minutes. He's like, oh no, the pin is in the wrong place. Please be outside on the curb for Tarzan. No, but it's funny. It wants... Tarzan will now leave in three minutes.

The editing winds up being a joke right here. Because, like, all this horrible shit keeps happening to her and it keeps escalating and it just keeps cutting back to the same Tarzan like slow-mo on the fight and you're like, just get there. I guess it's been kicked to me

the worst line of the whole movie that Bo Derrick says, which so it's like Richard Harris is Oh, all right, you can take it but I think I know what you got covered. I need to hear. I don't want to say it. But so he keeps yelling, you know, just separate your mind

from your body, Mr. Pretend you are Aphrodite? Yeah. It's like, oh, we're on Mount Olympus. Who do you see? And she does this whole thing. And then, like, this dude is kind of getting up and you know what's going to happen. Yep.

And she's like, oh, God, oh, oh, be a good daddy and tell me a story. And everyone just, and that's it. And it rolls. Dude, she fucking double backs, man. Even the cast of horny history, all their dicks fall off. Oh, it's too much. Can I smoke it here or what, love, is it? I don't remember the new laws.

It's Be a Good Daddy and Tell Me a Story, and then almost immediately followed up with Be a Good Daddy and Make It Go Away. Boof. Good gravy, John Derek. By the way, she's getting painted. She looks like a fucking extra in goddamn altered carbon. This green fade in her hair and on the lips.

It's love that. Joker, man. It is, dude. It totally is. It's like a fucking Batman porno parody. Or like an albino species alien. Looks like she had Brand X. John, we were supposed to look at the paintings today. Another. New Tarzan products. We're going to bring it out a whole new door. Another hot deed.

A parade where he's thrown out. bananas. Oh, yes, dude. He's at home. Who's watching this loin claw? Trust. Yeah, oh, Prince would still be playing, without question. He's underneath the waterfall. Dude, Steve Sadek mentioned species, though. Another fucking juicy

tidbit about W.HM on the road, man. We found ourselves in a fucking killer bar in Austin. You want to name drop it, Steve? I don't remember. Casino El Camino. Yes, on 6th Street and fucking Austin. We found ourselves perched up there one night, bunch of dudes out on the town,

pounding beers, putting some money in that jukebox for some hot tracks watching Species 3. Mostly watching the menu screen for species 3. Yeah, they weren't too quick on hitting play, I will say. Also, great bar. Yeah, yeah, just in general, we

just get wild. It's such a wild... Oh, a couple more points here. How about to change the DVD manual? I've had some of precious play, love. Get that little clicker hit the play button. It's how you know you have stumbled across a great bar

when the television entertainment goes from like some extreme Thai horror film to Species 3 it's well cured well done so I don't know so yeah like so she's all painted up and he's telling this story they're painting me yeah and Tarzan finally comes and Steve

the world's greatest idiot because I was like you know what I kind of get it like the snake thing that was probably hard to film sure we did this weird surrealistic aspect to it. But this fight is going to be a fight. It's going to be the fight to end all fights. And no.

No, it's the same thing. It's the same fade in, dissolve. Richard Harris is yelling about Humpty Dumpty. It might actually be the worst fight of all time. I don't think I've seen a less exciting fight in my time. It's the part of wrestling

when both wrestlers are tired. Yes. Yes. You're totally right. And they're just grappling each other. And since you're just surrounded by basically a bunch of wild animals, No one is going to hear it from the crowd. And that's a real problem. Like this guy, this big dude is trying to like bear hug Tarzan to death. This dude kind of looks like Zangeef, by the way.

He looks like Zangief, yeah, yeah. Which is why I was also excited. I see Zangip. He was in the house. Oh, yeah. I was like, dude, Zangip in the house. Tarzan, just walk away. We're going to fucking do it, man.

Like, this is going to be a huge fight. Yes. And we're just taking turns choking each other out. It just goes. Bad sex. It just goes on forever. And Tarzan kind of gets the upper hand and breaks his neck. And I mean like, this should be an awesome fight and it's nothing.

It's that same, it's the same thing in Man of Steel, dude, that lame neck break. Yes. It's just as like, de-thrilling. You know, you're just like, oh, you just broke his neck. At least that wasn't in slow motion. Yeah, that's true. And they don't even slow down the neck break to like fit with the, it's like, yeah i'm sorry i did a physical

yeah oh they should have pulled that that's the thing dude right like it's a it's a total uh punisher war zone neck break and then tarzan fucking pulls that dude's spine out yeah give me anything yes it's the end of the movie like this is the exciting part and then like i don't know like i guess everyone in this tribe was under this guy's spell yeah they just fucking book it they all leave everyone all these white people that just raided their town alone like wouldn't just kill them all? Yeah. And like

whoever the next guy down is like, cool, I'm the guy. Yep. Stab, stab, stab. I win. Yeah, I'm the next in command. And I'm war hungry. But instead, they all live happily ape after Not Richard Harris. Oh, we should say actually, yes. So like, before Tarzan

gets there. When he's, he's screaming at her, he says, Oh my God, leave your body right now. You are not of the flesh. You are of the spirit. And I swear to you. It sounds like he goes, and something something and like pulls like he's sort of like

undone some of the restraints or whatever and he like puts his arms around this Zangeef motherfucker and tries to like choke him out to which Zangip not having any of it takes a fucking elephant tusk that he has just lying around the house John Derek's gonna sell it after this yeah he's like don't get it too dirty now

and he impales Richard Harris man sick I think is this like what I was getting from if you're watching the movie. Is this supposed to be the elephant graveyard? These are like the keepers of it? Yes, I think it's like, we finally made our way there is the idea. And it's like, oh,

what a tragedy. Yeah. So we're in this elephant graveyard. They just got tusks sitting around like fucking straws on a counter. We got all these tusks. Wow, Fleetwood Mac fans. Ooh. Yeah, so he's dead or dying. She comes up. There's a bullshit like, I'm sad you're

dying. No, no, no, no, no. This fuck this. This fucker abandoned you for decades. then when you found him to tell him that your mother, his ex-wife, was dead, he tried to fuck you. Do not shed a tear over this guy. Just FYI. You don't have to be upset.

Steely glare like Africa. But it's this weird emotional scene. She looks ridiculous. And of course, her breasts are all over the scene. Oh, of course. She's just, she's totally nude. Yeah. And then like the whole thing,

and then it's like, well, now I'm going to wash off all this paint. Well, here's what I don't get, first of all, because the washing, I mean, this is like the last scene of the film. There's one quick question I have, though, because this dude is laying there with an elephant tusk in his stomach, fucking bleeding out and singing Humpty Dumpty, whatever the fuck this guy's doing. This is exactly how I knew I was going to die. The tusk in my belly.

She tells Holt to take his picture? Well, this is a lot of good things about this. Yeah, she's like, hey, Holt, take his picture. Holt, by the way, is tied to. a tree with a rope around his neck. Yeah, I wanted to see that go a little farther. And no one ever unties him. He's just like, yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, anyone. Hey, Tarzan, buddy, you want to bite this, maybe? Maybe, you know, just get your monkey to untie me here. I also don't know how long this tribe is going to be quelled. I would like to get moving immediately. Before the bloodthirst needs to be quelled. It's like when your drug dealer goes to sleep, you're like, I got to get out of here, man. But she's going to like leave with Tarzan and she tells her, like, oh,

you'll tell them right you'll tell like civilization what happened well that's the thing one of richard harris's last words to bring this all back together yeah is he's like oh it's beautiful let them know i made it let them know let those guys at that old stuffy club know that we made it wait a second so do you think then that this story is being told do you think one of those old fuckers narrating is halt me oh really and he's telling this story for the hundredth time at the pub. Great Depression era Holtz. If I was Holt, I would never stop drinking. I would literally never stop.

Oh, I'd get back to the UK and I would just drink myself to death. Like in like 38 hours. Yeah. No, real like fucking Brendan Bion, like going out drinking kind of a thing. Well, Richard Harris's actually last line is great. It's don't fuck that white ape.

Your vagina still belongs to me. Even in death. I wanted buried with me. Yeah, so then her and Tarzan just hop in the river So she can get all this fucking paint washed off Tarzan's helping out with that scrub If it's Tarzan of Madison Avenue

We're jumping into a big red Cadillac at the end man That's totally true Or like a crazy fake limo with a pool in the bag Oh yeah Wait Cabin you saw this remake or this next Tarzan The 2016 Oh yeah on a plane I remember maybe five seconds Okay well just listen for a second

Sure. At the end of that movie, does he choose the wild, or does he choose to go back to Madison Avenue? Or a time equivalent to Madison Avenue. I want to see this movie, man. Does he choose to go back to Piccadilly Circus? I forget what he actually does, but he is still with Margo Robi at the end, I think. Is he wearing a suit or is he wearing a loincloth? Something in between. Something in between.

So he's wearing like a house more right. Cackies and like a nice button down. A cargo shirt. and a plain white tea. Hair cut? I don't think he ever gets a haircut. Oh, good. He's got long flowing locks through the whole movie?

Or he maybe puts it up. Oh, in a little like ponytail? I'm telling you, I was high out of my mind on an airplane watching this piece of shit. Checks out. Were you doing what I do? Were you watch someone else watching a movie? No, it was like the only thing on there that I hadn't seen.

So I was like, all right. Let's get to it. Nice. Let's see this stupid thing. That's how I watched that Hallie Berry Kidnap film. Oh, dear. Yeah, that was something. That was bad.

It's not necessarily a stay tuned, but it is fucking stay stupid. Let me tell you. So, yeah, she's washing herself off. That takes a while. We get a heart iris out. Un-fucking believable. Honest to goodness, heart iris. That should be illegal.

That is a cinema crime, dude. And then this is when I think people are talking about the monkeys are getting a little frisky. Well, there's two separate incidents. The monkeys are washing off the boobers, man. Well, one is mouthin' the boobers. Yes. One gets a whole nipple in its mouth. Okay, so like the credits start basically, right?

Yeah. I instantly turned it right off. Ditto. I'm with you. So that happens. So a monkey gets a mouthful? I think I miss this mouthful. Also, you got a mouthful of fucking wet paint. Like, Jesus.

I turned it all. First of all, it's a fucking monkey. It doesn't care about paint. What fucking paint? Dude, they're not going to fucking Mason Williams. I don't know. Maybe they are. I mean, I guess John Derek's fine with

fucking animals dying. Oh, you're talking about IRL. I'm talking about the world of the film. No, no, I apologize. Yes, no, IRL, it was definitely just paint. It was lead paint. And then Bo Derek was covered in lead paint. In the film, it might have, in the world of the film,

it might have also been lead paint. Possibly. Like, Holt and James were just carrying buckets of paint. We're also bringing paint to the natives. We're going to remodel this jungle. So after the fucking one ape gets a fucking mouthful. That's disgusting. There's an orangutan who keeps on trying to look under her dress.

Nice. I actually do the rest of the like credits. Like it's her like. Well, this is supposed to be the evolution of man. Oh, I guess. I don't know. That's a stretch. I don't know what drug I would need to be naked in front of a monkey.

I don't, I don't know if it exists. It would be a gun. Like it would have to be a gun because literally they're just going to start grabbing it stuff, man. Do you ever see? And these human bodies are floppy. There's parts, there's parts and patches. Yeah, no, they get hands at it. Patches.

Patches to grab. Have we called that boy patches? I don't remember if I've plugged this on the show before, but there's a great, I don't know if it's even still on the- Patch bomb? No, the Criterion Collection website. Way back when Eclipse put out the Robert Downey's senior box set. Oh, we've talked about this. The monkey situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want the monkey to fucker? Yeah. Robert Dunney Jr.'s father. John Derek took a weekend with that question. It's Robert Downey Sr. and Paul Thomas Anderson talking about making one of the movies that's in this box set. And he just tells this story. And it's P.T. Anderson, like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And like Robert Downey Sr. is telling the story.

And it just ends with, and then he says to me, you want that monkey to fuck her? And it's just PTA. And he's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. It's so fucking awesome. You know, I don't think I ever told this story on the air, but I once read that Soviet super science once tried to breed man and ape to make an ape infantry. You told that on the old show. Yeah.

So that's something, huh? Is that a real state or is that a fake thing? I don't know. Is this Stalin stuff? Yeah. Oh, well, was it in the death of Stalin? I didn't hear it. They didn't cover it.

No, okay. Was it not mentioned. We're going to shoot dogs into space. We're going to have apes. Sex with ladies. Yeah. Quick question about Stalin, the death of Stalin. Is that real Steve Bouchemi?

Or are we getting a haircut to look like that? No, that's him. No, no, but I've... He shaved it. That's my question. Oh, what's going on up top? I think that's him shaved it. It doesn't look like a cap.

He was on Colbert. I caught him and he said that he buzzed it. He like shaved it. But that's what he... That's his story. I don't know. Yeah. No, I feel like he's probably still got a good head of hair.

He looks pretty good, bald. He did look fine That movie is so fucking funny I'm dying to see it It's the most like Fucking rip roaring balls to the wall Like take no prisoners Political satire

Much like Tarzan the ape man Oh yeah there's a lot Might be my favorite Ionucci now Oh without question Yeah without question So yeah without question So yeah like these fucking apes

And Tarzan are like Washing her away Like washing all the paint off And then we find her at the end She's dressed like Tarzan the idea is she is now of the jungle. Right, she's Jane to the jungle. That's what she told Holt to tell them.

Right, tell the tale. I'll tell them. All right, let's just get this tail going. Give me another Boddington's love. What's the pickle situation? We haven't had good pickles in a while. This week we're covering Cleopatra. Wait, this is the horny podcast.

The horny history podcast. I'm telling you, horny history. I will listen to it. The Revolutionary War didn't get too horny, but we could figure that out. Or did it! Oh, Jeremy, you always think that... She wasn't so on just a flag.

Today's episodes brought you by Adam and Eve.com, like all the episodes. Oh, you're filthy timbitch. On the slower weeks, they're just sponsored by Cheapdildos.com. Also, what's great, this... Like, one of the last things... Reddit.com slash... Dildos.

Provo code hoarder history. One of the, one of the last images you see before the credits start rolling is her just nude fighting this ape. Yeah. And you know what's funny? Again, dude, what drug am I on?

You gave me the strongest trank you've got. I'm on sleep. This fucking movie. Oh, yeah. No, I fell asleep. I had to rewind like a third of this. You know what? That's true. Except for this last like 30 minutes. Yeah.

It's like, it really is fucking, what's his name? Pulp Fiction John Travolta fucking throwing the adrenaline in your chest All of a sudden

when this stuff happens I'm like What's going on? Yeah It really sort of lulls you into this false sense of security You're like well this movie's fucking dull as balls

Yes And then you get to the last like 15 minutes And you're like Well say But it's too little too late You should have started here Yeah

Would anybody recommend this movie? Oh and not in a million years It's a curiosity I guess but it's not worth it like literally just read the two paragraph Wikipedia entry which just tells you all you need to know

yeah you got it yeah I'm a saying to know I'm saying to no but like if you really do have that thing for like oddities yeah this is genuinely an oddity I don't know anything even remotely like this other than John Derek's other movies can we call a moratorium

we don't have to do Bolero right like we could just I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about Bolero with you three wait for what reason because it's pornography it's just straight pornography I refuse to call it anything else fair enough I would not recommend this at all

I would say if you want an oddity ghosts can't do it's right there it's got better pacing like ghosts can't do it you could watch with a crowd sure like if you put this on when your friends are over they're gonna they're gonna maybe we should do a commentary

with ghost can't do it someday maybe shit maybe once he's hauled out of office yeah but like this movie is like getting that tuss right near of goddamn gut I fucking hated it I hated watching this yeah I really I despised this I would not recommend it I would

actually recommend Noel Marshall's roar which we mentioned briefly it's a movie when Noel Marshall was married to Tippy Hendred if you don't know this story and the two of them owned like an animal sanctuary in Africa and they just made this movie about an animal sanctuary gone wrong and there was no fucking animal security

at all in this movie It's like 40 lions. And that's an oddity to your point is that's an oddity that's exciting. Yes. Oh, absolutely. It's an edge of your seat oddity. Because just like everybody's getting bitten. Their daughter, Melanie Griffith is in it.

She's like swimming on a pool and like this lion's just fucking clawing at her. Like it is some real deal shit, man. Unlike this fucking garbage Tarzan movie. Also, if you want a good explorer movie, the Lost City of Z. Yes. Yes. Good God. I love that movie.

It's an amazing movie. movie. Or watch Fitzcaroldo, Aguirre of the Rath of God. Cobra Verde, all of these Vernon Hurtzok movies we mentioned. Prime Herzog always good. Herzog Kinski is essential viewing. Yeah. And I mean, I guess because we have to, because he called in, thanks to Scott Weinberg. And actually, no, do listen to 80s all over. It's a really great podcast. I, again, if you think this fucking drawing was cooked, you are so wrong.

Yeah. Literally, I would have thrown this right in the garden. Literally, anything else on the list, I would have taken over this. Mark Barron could have called in with this one. Hey, guys, it's that movie. I don't know. There's like a woman. You'll figure out. Hey, I'm sorry.

I made you watch Tarzan. Are we good? That's Tarzan, the ape man, directed by John Derek. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at the headgum network, rate and view the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. We do indeed have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. hours of bonus entertainment.

What? What? What? I heard we did a real movie this month on Patreon called Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance. Compared to this, yes, that's technically a real movie. We say it's not a movie on the Patreon episode, the full episode that's on Patreon right now at the $5 level. But compared to this, I would kill for that movie. I would kill for that movie.

Speaking of fake movies that in the light of this film look real, later this month catch the Cloverfield Paradoxmentary at the $8 level. Now, you get $8 a month. You get Star Trek the Nexus. You get all the other crap that we put out. And also you get these quarterly, just quarterly right now. When we can do this as a full-time job, more commentaries guaranteed. But Cloverfield Paradox, we did a commentary out of that.

And that movie sucked ass until I watched this. And that looks like a fucking masterpiece. And I will say on the Nexus this month, we did a listener request month. So we're doing the next generation first contact. episode where Riker goes undercover and the hornyest episode of anything, which is that Deep Space 9 episode, let he who is without sin. Well, you clearly have not seen season five episode three of home improvement. Oh, man.

Things get rocky with Jill and Tim in that one. Also for animation damnation this month, we are talking, Mortal Kombat, the VHS. The journey begins. It should be Mortal Kombat, the VHS. Because it's not a, it's not a TV show. It's also not a movie. It's a promotional cartoon leading up to the movie. It's an animated booklet.

I'm also not convinced it exists. It is capitalism at its worst. Tell me I didn't see it. I saw it happen. I mean, I'm about to upload the episode tonight, so I hope it's fucking real, man. I remember being there. Tonight, as in the date this is recorded and not when it's coming out. So it's already available.

Yeah, go check it out. Please pledge. Pledge now. Phones are ringing off the hook. These fat children are starving. We no longer have Jerry Lewis. Yeah. So somebody's going to do it.

Steve Sadek, what is going on in what I think is the second to last list? No, it's the final. It's the final. It's the final. It's the finish line. It is, you'll never have been so happy to see a Lindsay Lohan movie. Right. And I know who killed me.

Oh, shit. I never saw this. I've never seen it either. It's kind of been. like a big, like people are saying it's a bad movie for years. Watch the fuck out. Oh, you've seen it? Oh, of course Chris Cabin saw.

He's seen it all, baby. So until next week when we see it all, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Chris Kevin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. podcast.