We Hate Movies - S8 Ep348: Episode 348 - I Know Who Killed Me

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

On this week's episode, the 2018 Listener Request Month mercifully comes to an end with the absolutely ridiculous, I Know Who Killed Me! Is this a movie within a movie, or is this actually a movie within a movie within a movie? Is this supposed to be a horror film or not? And where did that cigarette go? PLUS: George Lucas taunts Spielberg, Abrams, and Johnson while smoking a doob!  I Know Who Killed Me stars Bonnie Aarons, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Adler, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough, and Art Bell; directed by Chris Sivertson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On today's program, my goodness, we finally wrap up the listener request month. This has been a real struggle for some people in this room. I'm mainly referring to myself. Sure. I think this is the absolute worst batch of films we've ever had to sit through in one fucking month. In a poker hand, it's a pair of twos. It's like literally, like it's something, but you really should have folded it. I thought it was like five of the rules of poker cars.

And one of them is covered in dog piss. Hey, should we be playing with these? This is I know who killed me. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeh. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And I know who hates movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the fine program, as always. Here we are, wrapping up the 2018 listener request month. And to our gentle listeners out there in WHM land, thanks but no thanks. This has been some trash. You all succeeded in breaking me. Including this week's episode, I know who killed me. From 2007, directed by Chris Sivertson.

Mm-hmm. You know, you know, Chris Sivertson? No, okay. Did he, that guy that was thinking of that deli for a while? Yeah, then he made, I know who killed me, and then he's back at that deli. I don't know what this dude's deal is, but this dude will always have directed, I know who killed me.

He's doing stuff. He writes, he wrote a really bad Chris Maloney movie called Marauders. Look at this. This guy's already more successful than we are. And he co-wrote the. that uh it's not very good uh lucky mckee all cheerleaders die it's some horror movie oh he directed that he co-directed that with lucky mckee that's great but uh yeah this this no uh so this was requested by shar from sacramento let's hear what she had to say this is char from sacramento

california um i've been listening to you guys since the batman v superman episode been laughing ever since I wanted to request 2007s I know who killed me with Lindsay Lohan. It's really weird and really dumb and it's like this psychological thriller

slash serial killer movie and she plays her own twin and it's like a really creepy bookend to the parent trap so I thought it would be fun. Okay, thanks bye. And yeah that's pretty much it Sharr covered it on the call so we'll see you guys next week. All right. The movie

Next week will be. It's a brand new. We're out of listener requests month, guys. No, so I guess we have to talk about this movie. This is one of those, like, famous bad movies that other shows, I understand, have done at this point. I believe it swept the Razies. Oh, wow. Congratulations.

I think like eight out of nine. It was like the shape of water for Razies. This is a movie where Lindsay Lohan plays two people, but... Or does she? Well, the movie... The movie likes to think that it's playing games. Yes. But it's just a predictable, terrible movie.

It is kind of funny that you mentioned. Like, oh, so this is the one where she played two people, like the parent trap and freaky, right? It's like, it's a trilogy. Well, it's to show she's ready for adult material, motherfuckers. That's the thing. Here's the thing. She should have just been a child actress. End of story.

Yep. She was a fine little kid actress. That's fine. Well, Mean Girls, though. Mean Girls is good. She's good in a Prairie Home Companion. Okay. But in a Prairie Home Companion, she's kind of just doing little girl, Lindsay Lohan.

She's just like older. Oh, God, now I'm thinking of that creep Garrison Keeler. Oh, yes. Look at my red tennis shoes. Now look over here. No, that's too far. Just look over there. I've got a little white on my tennis shoes.

Oh, Lord. Here's a story about wheat. They should really just fucking cask of a Montliado that dude, just brick by brick. They put them out to pasture. Oh, yeah, that's nice. So this movie starts with a song. The music of this movie is terrible. But do you guys know is the song that kicks off this movie?

It's the visual accompaniment is Lindsay Lohan Paul dancing for all the creeps out there. And with blood dripping down the pole. Blood dripping down the pole, of course. And this song, this dude is singing like a fucking cake impersonator. Oh, yeah. Like the dude from cake or he's just talked. singing, blah,

like that's what's going on here and this dude's terrible at it. And it's like, it's like bad nine-inch nails lyrics like,

I'm inside my head. I can't get out. Fuck it. And like, I immediately was like, oh no. Has anyone seen this before? Had anyone seen this?

I got like 20 minutes into it once and it was like drunk out of my mind and I was just like, nope. Abandon ship. I had, never checked it out it was one of those like it came out everybody immediately said it was trash it's had

that 7% on the rotten tomatoes meter for quite some time ages holding strong yeah i never i never watched it till this i just avoided it nobody has come around to like try to give it a second chance which is nice i appreciate that you know what we're any we're any day away now from the the av club putting out articles about like you think you know that movie but you don't. Oh, man. Yeah, bring on that think piece. I fucking dare you.

It's trash on purpose. I know who killed their own career writing that fucking thing. The Star Wars prequels are meant to be bad. Don't you look stupid? It's ugly as shit on purpose. I mean, this is, that's the problem. It's like bad M. Night Shyamalan.

It's got a little bit of our dear good friend butterfly effect a bit. Oh, big time. Yeah, it's like extreme. mind fuck hit somebody hit the mind fuck button but do you know the worst

the mind fuck button I love it the worst part about this though is that this fucking filmmaker proclaims that like this movie is an homage to like Hitchcock

to Palma and David Lynch eat my ass I mean you can the Lynch stuff is all over like yeah there's two of them and they both got breast. That's David Litch.

Yep, hang on a minute. A blue lights going in front of her face. You better believe that's Hitchcock and Vertigo. Oh, the drive is fucking hot. Dude, by the way, yeah, how is there not her making out with a woman in this movie? Oh, man, that was the cut. That's the one piece you're missing in this. Well, I mean, she had to have a-

Making out with herself. Whoa. Yeah, you're, oh, you're totally right, Chris. Oh, bravo. It's a weird, it's a weird contractual thing that she had where she had to put in her contract. I will not do nudity for this movie. Well, because the writing was on the wall with this script. Are you kidding me?

So, well, Lindsay, you'd really help me out if you took a shirt off, man. You really kind of helped the movie out, you know. I'm going to wear a sweatshirt the whole time. That's a good question. Well, it's Optimus Prime. Dude, this is her, like, I smoke too much as a little kid voice in this movie. It's fucking right there. I'm a 17-year-old girl.

Well, yeah, by the time she does the canyons, it's like Tom Waits. Yeah, dude, exactly. I was so happy to be working with Paul Schrader. James Dean is actually a pretty nice guy. The thing about, you know, the thing about, you know, the thing about Herbie Lovebug that you don't get man is you know

that fucking that car will drive on you brother that thing's gonna go well it is fully loaded man that's right it was Herbie fully loaded by the way yeah Jamie Lee's her she's a real sweetheart mad heart man I still call Tina Fey on Christmas the AV club

just said just my luck is an underrated masterpiece What is that fucking movie I saw Because I pulled up for IMDB But I didn't look at it Rumor has it She's like pretending to be pregnant

Oh yeah I've seen the fucking shitty DVD cover to that A hundred times It's a DVD cover movie If you've ever seen one It's just a fake belt She's just like And she's holding like a magazine

With like a pregnant belly On the cover of the magazine And it's like lined up to her That didn't get released in theaters It was going to And then everybody pulled it because it was trash. And then like this was in the middle of like all that rehab stuff. I mean like this was in the middle of the storm.

Right. Yeah. Which is a great time to be also trying to make a movie that you star in. Here's a thing though. This movie is also a really bad way to do with that movie, nocturnal animals executed quite well, I think. Because you're, for part of this movie, the twist reveals. The framing device?

Yeah, because the twist. reveals it's not this but like well actually the twist should have the alternate the original cut oh oh god now what are we talking i watched an alternate kind no no this is the real movie but well just barely but the original cut said this was all a story see so that's the vibe it tested poorly and they they then they made it whatever this is right because that's that nocturnal animals movie is like you are watching yeah you know the michael shannon's story is the is the manuscript that she's reading. And immediately, I was like, I think that's what this is.

This is her fucking dumb short story. What fucking classroom is she reading this to? Is she a high school student or college? She's college. It looks college. But who's teaching this class? There's no teacher there. Yeah, it's just her.

She's just dropping knowledge, dude. No, I thought she was like a substitute teacher just reading her own work to like a test audience in this classroom. That would be nuts. like no to me it's just like okay we can't pay another extra here but she's just reading a long story to this classroom does that even happen in colleges no no I've been in writing creative you read the whole thing also like people like read it outside of class yes and give notes later right yeah that's how that's going wait so you don't stand up there going and my name was dakota and I worked at a strip club oh she's not your average girl none of that it's such trash this is like a bad

also it looks terrible let me just say this looks like a really bad student film and this is fucking released by Sony Pictures what are we doing I mean I guess people wanted

to be in the Lindsay Lohan business that's the only way this got released in 2007 I guess so I mean whatever or like it was kind of like you could sell this as almost a horror movie

and almost a drama and almost a thriller That's its main problem, aside from being, like, putrid, is, like, it wants to be all of these movies, and none of that works. So, like, we kind of, like, cut, the beginning is a mess. The whole movie is a mess. But the beginning is a mess because you kind of don't, it's really staccato stuff of, like, first she's stripping, then she's telling a story. Then she's, like, meeting with her boyfriend, and he gives her a blue rose outside of class. Right.

And then they go, and again, this is college, they're dissecting a worm. I'm like, what is this remedial shit? See, that's why I thought it was high school, because now we've got like a lab buddy. Yeah, and like that's like a, that to me screams like you're dissecting a worm, classic high school situation. How about this, dude? Aubrey is in college. Dakota is in high school. Or wait, vice versa. Oh, that could be. I don't know. And so this guy starts to like try and finger her in class. And she's like, could we not? Could we? Well, while you have frog balls in your hands, could we not? It's so awesome, though, because this dude's like rubbing her inner. thigh and she's like no no no no no and he's like but i love you and she's just like i i don't

even really know you that well well that's yeah so he's not even her boyfriend he's just like going for it in class my god what a little pig like you we just became lab partners yesterday it's what the fuck it's it's paul is it this guy comes to nothing brine garrity i i just remember the actor i was just i was just making a joke that he's been low-hands character like he's probably him bully like that kind of group. So this teacher gets interrupted because one of their fellow students has been killed.

It's my favorite announcement ever. So the principal is just, oh my God. Like, oh, uh, Lisa so and so was killed. Don't ask me any questions. I have no further details. Yeah. What is this? A bad press conference. Well, I guess if you want to nip it in the bud, these kids are going to be asking you shit. Just early day. Fucking

send the kids home. A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. Don't ask me any details. That's kind of how it went down in my high school, man. Oh, also very crucial scene up front in this movie, man. We see her make a very mature, well-thought-out life choice here. She quits piano lessons. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, this is very important, by the way. This is hugely important. I was actually shocked that this was so important because it's a hilarious scene like she's she's like does a piano thing wrong and the guy

who's like some old nerdy dude who I mean nobody's in this movie fucking Tim Burton's sculpture skulking around her it's Lindsay Lohan Julia Armand for some reason and then what fucking bet did she lose being in this movie well and then everybody

passed so it's Neil McDonough it's always everybody passed and then you go to Neil McDonough well the Julia Armand table scraps that's what they call the business Neil Taylor what the julia armand thing i think that's a direct lynch thing because inland empire is a year before this and she's in that oh she was the only lynch actor that he was like all right i got one we got one do you think they went for laura durn they went for laura durn they wanted

the parents to be laura durn and kyle mclaughlin yes sherlin fin was asked i'm sure but i bet laura durn's just like amy adams in this regard oh no this is a piece of shit i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm I'm sorry, I can't do your piece of shit. So here's a fucked up thing that I don't think is quite accurate. In this movie, so the parents of that dead girl are notified, right? And so we see the parents go down to the morgue to identify the body. Yeah. And they start crying, so it's like, all right, body identified.

And then the coroner starts, like, reading the results of this autopsy in front of them. I was like, I don't know about that. No, you don't need to do that. Like devastating them further. It's like a scene within a scene because then like we're watching the reporter transcribe it. Like you know what I mean? Like a lot of interesting things are happening here. Every scene's a little bit interesting.

It is a little bit interesting. By the way, I just realized I had actually written down something she says in that classroom. Oh, please. That needs to be said. She knew how to turn thoughts into movies with a girl she looks just like. What does that even mean? because the twist at the end was that apparently it was a screenplay and it was and like all he's a character too so it's a screenplay about a girl writing a story oh man i should have

fucking read the wikipedia summary yeah man it's like a world within a world within a world within a direct to DVD movie have you ever seen a adaptation line okay all right all right How about a homage to Spielberg now? Okay, like Schindler's list, but it's blue. Yeah. Oh, could it be a high school football game for no fucking reason? Oh, man, that's like my Anne Frank. Dude, what the flying fuck?

It's a college football game or a high school football game, wherever they are. I think this is all college, or all high school, by the way. Okay. But then it does it, the absence of the teacher makes even less sense. Let's split the difference. It's community college. It might be. So we'll call it high school just for the...

It's a high school football game. She's with her friends. And it's like, oh, cool. It's a fun Friday night. And all of a sudden, everything turns black and white except for the blue jerseys. Yeah.

And these characters are nothing. Like, it's a Lindsay Lohan movie about Lindsay Lohan only. And she's got this like gaggle of friends that no one is given a name. Nope. You never see them ever again.

And so like this football... That is art, man. Can I make a point? Oh, yes. Go ahead. Because it is such a big scene. The Norquist piano teachers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What she won, I got a technical term here. The next young artist competition. Oh. From what? Playing piano? For playing piano. But it's just, and he says this multiple times, by the way. It's just like this bland, nothing.

And that is his driving force. You know what? They should explore this more like he invented that thing. Oh, he invented the awards in his basements. Exactly. It's like a whole sham corporation. Clicking, cooking, clink, clink. Yeah, no, exactly. Because, well, that's the scene is she's like, I'm giving up a piano to write more.

And he's like, but you're fantastic. You won the next young artist award. That's not nothing, you know. Hey, that's not nothing. If you know what's good for you, you're going to want to win another one. It's a respected competition among many of your neighbors. You know, it's almost a good movie, Estarko. And people say it's bad, man.

It's pretty okay. I never got a whiff of that movie. It never even went near it. So nobody's seen it? I've seen it. Oh, really? It involves a tornado, I believe. Oh, sure.

We're not in Kansas anymore. So she leaves this football game. By the way, I want to quickly mention that her character. No, this is what the episode is, everyone. It's because what the movie is. It's terrible. Lindsay Lohan's character in this is perfect at everything. think. Oh, she's the best.

Best piano, best writer. Not a great stripper. No. Well, that's a... It's a burlesque. Yeah, come on. Is it... No, that's the title on the...

Oh, okay. They changed it because she wouldn't get naked, I think. I just thought it was like an implied nudity. Like, we're only seeing the part before she gets naked kind of a thing. Well, isn't burlesque then supposed to be a little bit bawdy and fun? This is just disgusting strip clubs, stuff. No, it's exactly what Steve said. She didn't do the nudity.

So, she didn't do the nudity. So, yeah, she leaves this football game. They're like, oh, I'm going to go meet everybody. I'll meet everybody at the movie theater. This is, by the way, for a high school kid, this is a packed fucking Friday night. You go to a football game. That's getting over with it, like, 9.30. Yeah. Right?

Then you got a fucking haul ass to a movie for like 10 o'clock. Jesus. By the way, we're never in this fucking place again until the framing device kicks in. What place? The movie theater? The high school. Oh, yeah. It doesn't play any part, really.

No. Well, it doesn't have to. So she basically gets abducted, right? She gets abducted. Her friends find out they, they, they, she didn't make it to the movie theater. The boyfriend shows up. This is an obnoxious thing here where she's like, one of the friends is like, oh, where's a Aubrey?

Yeah. And the boyfriend's like, uh, I don't know. Wasn't she with you? Oh, she's not here. Okay. Where, where did you park? And they're like, we don't know on that street around the corner. and he's like, what?

And they're like, we're on, we parked on that street. Oh, you know, it's the street. We parked right in front of the fucking, like, Goodwill or whatever they said. This is just like David Lynch. And I was just like, what do you mean? They don't know where they parked in this small town. And the kid goes, what year is this?

It just cuts off. By the way, on this street, it's like Times Square. Like, yeah. There are thousands upon thousands of people just fucking in the way. Well, I think what they don't clarify here is this may have been like a big game, like a homecoming game or something, and the crowd's going, the town is going ape shit over it. Godguns and football, I guess. Just use your imagination, you motherfuckers. That's a good question, though, actually.

Where does this take place? The Black Lodge? It would. So, I mean, she gets abducted and we're like, oh, no, she got abducted. And then, like, everybody gets upset. And you're like, what's happening? and then you find another Lindsay Lohan in the road and this is kind of where the movie starts

I kind of feel like the beginning is a mess but you find this other Lindsay Lohan in the road and she is badly wounded they take her to the hospital and whoops her leg and arm have been amputated that's correct but the movie unless I totally miss this the movie isn't like

this is definitely another Lindsay Lohan like they're actively looking for her and they're looking for Aubrey and they find Lindsay Lohan on the side of the road and the movie just keeps going. We get a lot of really fucking gross saw hostile-esque. Well, you're seeing because they're like... That's right.

They're cutting in the other stuff. They're like, boy, oh, boy. Like the previews started. Where could she be? And then it cuts to her like getting her fucking hand frozen? With dry, was it dry ice? I think it's dry eyes. There's a lot of hand trauma in this.

Almost as much as a Star Wars movie. We are cutting off hands. We're lopping them off left and right. I mean, who needs hands more than Jedi, pianists, and writers? Yeah, so it's the big reveal in this hospital. Like, she wakes up, and it's like her leg, what's left of it is like up in a sling

and then her arms fucking cut off. And she's got, everyone thinks she has amnesia because it looks just like Aubrey, but she now answers to Dakota. Right. She's like, I'm Dakota and also, like, now I'm like the bad girl. So all of a sudden, her vocabulary is like, fuck every other word and her

fucking her parents are there and like she's not who the fuck are this like it takes her five minutes to actually say who the fuck are these people. Yeah well we're doing like we're mixing the difference until she goes who the fuck is Aubrey? It's like she's also hold it man

hold it don't let the audience know just yet brother great dialogue alert when we're hearing her read the short story and voiceover, she just goes, but he didn't count on her will to live. You just turned yourself a bathroom break, my friend. BFTA, here we come. Mountain Dew bathroom break.

That's where you urinate and drink Mountain Dew at the same time. I thought it was a gravity bong in the bathroom. I thought it was when you urinated all of your bathroom and your bath mat has a little morning dew on it. Oh, my God. Clean your house. No. Yeah, no, it's just, it's like, oh, you know, he left her for dead on the side of the road,

but he didn't count on her wheel to shut the fuck up. No. Oh, my God. And then, yeah, she's like talking to this dude who's a psychiatrist, but he's also working for the FBI. Another great line here where she just goes, I know I may look a little like this Aubrey chick. Oh, yeah. Just listen to how. how things sound when you say them on set.

That's why she shouldn't be acting as an adult. You know what I mean? Like that line is fun. She should be playing. She should have the mind of a child in this role. Yes. Oh, that would be kind of interesting. She's just reverted to like a five-year-old.

I don't know about this Aubrey chick man. How are you a shrink grade? Change my diaper. You know, Jane Fonda was just a peach on the set of Georgia rule. Oh, man. Georgia Peaches. Same year. Same theatrical year. Wow. What a big year.

Sure of another movie that year, didn't you? In 2007? Yeah, I think she did actually. Jesus. Oh, chapter 27. Ooh. Ooh, I saw that one. How is it?

Oh, it's terrible. That's Jared Leto as Fat Joker. You could have stopped after Leto. I just feel like one of these actors is going to die one day, right? Like someone's like, oh man, he's gaining all this weight to play fucking Horatio. Sands in the Horatio Sands movie or whatever the fuck and he somebody

Diego Luna's really going for it I guess and he's going to die like someone or he's going to lose all this way to be well just thinner Horatio Sands well that's the thing we just saw Horatio sands a couple weeks ago like he's looking really great so like you could that's a movie you could fat suit it

like when you want to do S&L like fucking boat trip Horatio Sands sure get Gary Oldman in there he's the most He's the most successful fat suit actor, I think. Well, when Emil Hirsch tries to do fucking Artie Lang, it will really, really be a problem. That might be the one.

And that's what I mean. Like, someone's going to die at some point. Yeah. Especially when you go method with that knife in the chest. I don't think like Christian Bale could do that like two apples a day machinist to diet anymore. No, no, no, no. He's too old, but that would kill him. He's probably, you know, he might be thinking to do that to do that.

take off the Dick Cheney waities game. Oh, right. Yeah. Of all the pies. He's pretty plumbed. Dude, I think he might too much pie. I honestly think he might never come back. I think he's going to be trapped as a fat man.

That's everyone's worst. That was my worst nightmare. So we get now, she's like telling the psychiatrist a little bit of her story and it's like you know, her mother was a drug addict. She said crack horror, doesn't she? She certainly does. I was

cleaning it up a little bit for the people listening. But no, but I mean, that's what you have to understand with this script. Like, no one whose mother was a drug addict would refer to her as a crack. Well, I mean, who knows? People hate people. No brother. No brother's specificity.

What kind of drugs was she horrid for? You know what? I wrote the script in middle school and I'm not going to clean it out. No notes. No notes. It is what it is, man. The studio's going to live with it.

I'm pulling the wall over the eyes of Sony pictures. These fucking idiots bought it. So she's a drug addict, sorry. Right. Well, this woman's dead. And it comes to nothing. It means absolutely nothing. And she's like, so she's dead.

And then I got a job working at this burlesque house. Yes. Okay. It's just a roadside strip club. I got fucking gonorrhea just looking at this. I was looking at the strip club and like with the world within a world thing and I just was like, is sucker punch good? Did I, did I fuck that up? Did I fuck that? Is that a good room? Compared to this, it is. You wish you were in the capable hands of Zach's one Zach Snyder. Of course. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. There is no question in my mind that sucker punch is a better movie than this. There's like shots that have composition. to them things thought through. You saw all these shots. You're thinking Snyder. I saw all these shots.

I'm thinking downtown Philadelphia. It's just like these quick, like when you take the bus into Philadelphia, you go through downtown and like it's, there's a street where it's just like old fucking porn house is an old strip. It sounds like Chris Cabin's got an ax to grind. I do. Seriously. I'm going to fight them.

So we're introduced to the burlesque show club, whatever manager named Fat Tina. Oh, right. Yeah, she's top-billed in this movie because it did it alphabetically. Right. The credits roll and it's like, Fat Tina. And I'm like, who the fuck was Fat Tina? She's not called Fat Tina at all in the movie. And I guess it's like a joke name because it's the woman who plays the nun in like Conjuring 2 and Annabelle creation. Oh, that's Fat Tina. That's Fat Tina. This woman who is as thin as a rail. So I guess it's just a gag. It's like a tiny Lister Jones situation. Well, tiny Lister's a, yeah. He's a huge dude, though. Huge.

Yeah, yeah, so it's kind of the same thing. Calling a fat guy slim. Yeah. It's like a, it's a weird, weird nickname to have. Yeah. So she, uh, she's, she's working in the strip club. We do get a, uh, a strip club montage where should we get some more like Lindsay Lohan stripping to get some asking seats. Okay.

Now just hear me out. During this stripping montage, she takes a dude's cigarette and brings it on stage and puts it on stage and puts it in her vagina and gives it back to him. I mean, what kind of club is this? What are the rules here? I hope there's no cops in there, man. No, I think this is one of those places like in New York State where it's an exotic juice bar

because if you do full nudity, you can't sell alcohol? Exactly. I mean, what can you sell if we're putting cigarettes in vaginas? That's a great question. But the weird thing is in this establishment. In this seed, there's also the guy, the murderer is there. The one thing we've seen of the murderers, He wears a blue outfit and blue gloves.

Right. And this guy's wearing, I don't think you're allowed to wear rubber gloves to a strip club. They're like, oh, sir, you're going to have to go to his eye. Steve, I think you bring him a great point. I think it's a universal rule for strip clubs. You cannot come in wearing a disguise. Yes. No.

No, no, no, no. Not in the strip club. Dude, this guy's sitting in the back in the dark corner looking like fucking Mark Wahlberg at the end of goddamn, what do you call? Departed. He's got the fucking suit on, the little booties. Dexter on the job. It's Dexter sitting in the back of this club And he had the good fucking

Oh shit bro I'm gonna go kill Matt Damon And then go to go to Hootas Oh I can't afford Hooters I guess I'll go to the Belask I'm sorry I cut you off Chris Oh no never know What is going on over?

Are you all right? I just did that Tom Wait's voice too much Oh that'll kill you You mean that Lindsay Lohan Yes yes I apologize So also So she's at this is a dumb scene

because this implies paranormal activity and I didn't appreciate it. Where she's like waiting for the bus and this fucking like killer is like... Oh my God. This is the bye-by man shit. Yeah, he's like jumping like closer and closer and closer to her and then he's like behind...

I'm like, how is this guy teleporting? I mean, this is one of those things where you can't just change the end of your movie because it didn't test well because that makes sense in a non-real world, right? It's like, oh, it's dreamlike and like that's what we're trying to do here. But at the end of the movie, it's just all real.

There's a solidness at the end. Like, it all has to be vaporous if it's going to be that way. Yeah, I need this movie to be gaseous. Make him, make the killer like a demon that's attracted to twins or something. Oh, no. You watched it with those Miller-like commercials. And twins! Or those Coorslight, I apologize.

Oh, right. You know what's a thing that people find funny and I don't understand it in the slightest? We hate movies? Yeah, that's the biggest surprise of my life. The second biggest surprise of my life. life is this Bud Light campaign where these medieval motherfuckers are saying dilly-dilly. Have you seen this? Fucking people saying dilly-dilly to each other?

Who says that's funny? People. I don't know that they say it's funny, but they say it like it's like the next wazza kind of thing. Not people. Marketing execs at Foudweiser. No, I've seen people on like social media be like ha ha ha ha, dilly-dilly. You heard Cambridge Analytica say that. Cambridge Analytica is getting to some people I'm friends with on Facebook.

then they sure are I just don't know what it was at first and then I saw the commercial in some fucking medieval king and they're like oh my lord we are out of bud light and then this dude it sounds like good let's get some good beer

how about some ale no but then this fucking king just decrees like more bud light all around dilly dilly and it's the dumbest and they all go dilly dilly I think that was their like Super Bowl commercial it was but it's still playing

of course because they're gonna get as much money out of it as it can I guess. I'm just saying it's terrible. It's yet another reason to not drink Bud Light. Yeah, boycott it. Let's start that. Hashtag boycott Bud Light. Yeah, why not?

Tweet at Lindsay Lowhan for some reason. Is she on Twitter? I'm not in no position to be boycotting any beers. Whatever you bought me is fine. Look, sweetheart. Thank you. Oh, what's this? It's a, it's a Schlitz Light. Awesome.

I got to get going. I got two clubs in Greece that I got to manage. I'm sure she's a lovely young woman. Yeah, I'll sign your I know who killed me DVD. Standard Deaf, that's the way I like it. You just gave me like a horror premonition of horror conventions. Is she going to be at these conventions signing like this fucking movie one day? I'll tell you what, it's in the best interest of anyone who's organizing a horror.

a convention to not accept that booth's application. There's a moment in this movie where she's in the hospital and then like she's dreaming about getting stabbed in the arm and it starts happening like fucking Freddy Kruger. I thought this is Kruger town. I was like what are we talking about? Dude, a secret

Freddie Krueger. Can you imagine if like fucking Robert England just jumped into this movie? It would be a better movie. Better movie. My God. Secret Freddy. You make this villain something. This guy's just showing his gloved hands. Like, give me something. Well, that's the thing.

If it was something like that, I bet you she would be at the horror conventions. No, but there is no supporter of this movie. Because it's not a horror movie. It tries to be a psychological thriller, but it's also got these horror elements to it. So just go literally, when you look at the script, you've got to be like, all right, guys, you tried your best year. We're going to cut this up and make this a horror movie because that's our best bet. The way to fix this movie is to not watch it and then just throw yourself head first down a flight of stairs. That's what I wanted

to do this entire time, but I was like, you know what? I only live on the second floor. I don't think it's going to do the damage I needed to. You would see better visuals. It would be a way better experience. She starts getting cut up and her arm starts to bleed and she screams in the middle of the night. She wakes up her arm is

bleeding and the FBI is like camped outside and this guy comes into her hospital room with a gun just blazing, ready for anything. I don't understand why. and again, maybe it's a subtle detail I missed in this great movie. Why is the FBI involved?

Because the serial killer. Oh, my God. Oh, no, because isn't the fat guy like... Oh, the fat besiege... The sheriff? There's one murder. It's not a serial killer. That was before I think Lindsay got taken.

Yeah. That's just when Jennifer, what's her name was taken? Right. And he was like, it's just one girl, get off my back. Oh, that's what it was maybe, right? The first girl was African. American, and then they were like, Lindsay Lohan's been getting up. Let's get right on it. This town, maybe.

I always love that in that Connect 4 commercial, the guy's like, get off my back, that one chip. Oh, yeah, that's surly chip. Listen, that guy, if you don't want people on your back, Black Chip, you need to retire. Because that's literally your line of work is someone being on your back. Well, Black Chip, you were jumped in the last outing there. And they connect for it all of you. Just get off my back already. Yeah, it says here your prior work experience is having people on your back.

I don't know if that'll come in handy here at Burger King. Look, I've been talking to the life pegs. They're fucking tired of being those fucking cars, okay? Get the red guy off my back and get those fucking pegs out of the car. The trouble pieces, too. Revolution! Oh, that's kind of like The fucking predecessor to the emoji movie by the way

The board game movie Yes, exactly. You get the whole guest who cast in there So many bald guys on that You can end with sorry Yeah, the sorry things I don't know what they are You need psychological profiles Okay, so board game movie

All right First of all your main character is the Monopoly guy, right? Oh, he's the villain Oh, he's the villain Uncle Pennybags? Yeah, who's the good guy now? Oh, who would be the hero? Fuck, fuck.

Oh, Colonel Mustard possibly. Wait, by, where he had the candlestick in the study, though. That's right. He's an attempted murder. Oh, it's a twist, dude. Colonel Mustard is a lot like Robert Redford and Winter Soldier. Oh, I see. Okay, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to take Miss Peacock, and we're going to make her young and sexy. Oh, nice. She's going to be played by Lindsay Lohan. Oh, great. Oh, the role of a lifetime playing Miss Peacock. Thank you. Okay, it's called The Board Movie. And you will be.

Incess. Yeah, insert Norm MacDonald joke here. I mean. This movie, so, so, so, so, so, uh, what was this called? I know you killed. Yeah. There's a lot. I think that is the first time that's ever happened on this show.

There's obviously a lot to talk about since we're coming up with the board game movies. So like, she's like, she winds up going home to her parents. Uh, and her parents are like kind of taking it all in stride. Not a lot for Julia. Ormond to do. There is one great scene where it's like, dude, take it down a notch. It's a scene because he's got Julio Ormond on set. This director's ready to fucking go.

Yeah. It's Julia Armand. It's in Lindsay Lowhan's room. Tom Wait's voice is tough. It's in Julia Armand. She's in Lindsay Lohan's room. She's got this bald cat and she's in front of these ventriloquist dummies. Yeah. And I'm like, what is

any of this? What is any of it? There's also like, She goes up to Aubrey's room, and there's, like, a table full of, like, trophies and whatnot. But then there's also a haunted doll collection. Yes. What is that? What is, what is that? Just owning shelves worth of haunted dolls.

Why do you have ventriloquist dummies in your house? This is something you can interpret, you know? Oh, I see. Many different ways you could read this. Oh, like, Lindsay Lohan's actually got someone's, like, hand up her back, puppeteering her. thing like that. What's that called? Imagery. No, wait. Similes. No, wait.

Get that director's dictionary down, man. We're going to figure this shit out. Man, it's just such a rich tapestry. And you can write a thesis on this. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, I was going to say, an important detail that she comes home with, she's given to it, she's given these at the hospital, a battery-powered fake leg.

Uh-huh. Oh, God, right. there's that there's that rehabilitation scene where she's learning to walk and use her hand and she has a fake arm this is a fucking Luke Skywalker hand because they put that rubber flesh over it yeah Luke's fake flesh

looked way better though this is they don't even like Luke's fake Luke's fake flesh man I'll rent that I do love that scene and Empire Strikes back when you know he gets the hand and they're picking pricking everything and then Luke goes

ouch and the robot's like I'm sorry I gave you an awesome hand and now you have feeling fuck you that hurt robot it's so great that they could replace all that shit

yeah when can we do that but no so she has this robot hand she goes home and her boyfriend shows up that sequence in the film

this is also science fiction there's no way you could give someone a robot hand like that out of nowhere there's robot hands but that good yeah there's a cool

I saw a very cool robot hand there was somebody did you see this in 2007 No, in 2000. No, well, no, that's true. Did you see it in 2018's Black Panther on Andy Circus's stuff there? No, there's a woman at South by Southwest who, she had a really funny post because her arm needs to be charged by a USB port. She was at a talk, and she was like, wow, everyone's charging their iPods. I guess I can't charge my fucking arm.

Wow. Yeah, but then she wound up getting me. She said iPods? No, she's younger than me, so she definitely didn't say that. You know, that's good to know. Sorry, I take everything back. I was trying to, like, berate the scientific community. But, I mean, to be fair, in 2007,

probably not, but I'm not sure. But also, that said, you probably have to be a billionaire to get a hand that good. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. If I lost my hand, it'd be cardboard tube. Yeah, dude, I'd have, like, a crudely carved piece of wood. Chris Cabin, you'd have a mop.

Oh, it's a living. They say he carved it from a, bigger spoon. So my favorite sequence in this movie is right here. Yes, one thing we do need to point out is now she's wearing red. You know what I mean? Because she's wearing blue before Aubrey

fucking flipping it! Aubrey wears blue. And the boyfriend also gave her blue roses. Yes. Which is another fucking Twin Peaks thing. Oh, right. Yeah, weird. And she's wearing red now because she's Dakota, which I'm also curious, where did she get these red clothes from?

If Aubrey only wears blue. Yeah, maybe there's like a deleted scene where there's a shopping. It's pretty like, Julia Armand is like, you keep saying you're not my daughter. What can we do to fix it? And she's like, let's go to the mall. Oh my God. And then she's like Little Red Riding Hood. And the killer is sort of akin to a big bad wolf then.

Oh, it's like that movie Freeway. That movie's a woof. That might be a state too. The movie's a wolf. No, woof. Oh, if. Kiefer Sutherland plays like A child molester

Right And it's like Rees Witherspoon? Yes Okay Yeah And she gets picked up by Kiefer Sutherland And he's like the wolf

And he's like sweating He's going around He's wearing like a big stuffed wolf hat He's got like those aviator sunglasses He kind of looks like the Unabomber in that movie Oh that's pretty cool Yeah He's pretty sharp

He winds up So this boyfriend comes over He's like Oh I'm so sorry Thank God you're alive And she starts making out with him In front of Julia Oramon And Julie Ormond's like, you kids want cookies or what?

To which Lindsay Lohan is like, we're going to go upstairs to my room. And I was like, oh my God, is this actually happening? Because this character keeps insisting she's not this Aubrey person. Out of curiosity, do you get hard to sort fish trombones? Send up a bottle of vodka. Three cigars. Do you want any? Because that's essentially what happens here is she's like, we're going to go upstairs and fuck.

and there's not a thing you can do about it. But quote unquote, mom. I think she's in the right here because, like, you become a double amputee. You're going to take sex away still, too? Like, come on. So they go upstairs. She has to feel something.

That's right. Well, that's why she doesn't break in eventually. Well, the weird thing is Julian Armand, they go upstairs. I'm sorry, you're going to take it. Well, they go upstairs and they just start fucking. And it is clearly, it is porno music. This is happening.

And they just, the gag is they keep cutting back. to Julia Ormond in the kitchen listening to her daughter getting fucked. And also, dude, it's awesome. I'm sorry, man, you're playing a road game in someone's house and you've got, and you, and you know, the mom is in the house, you've got a button up. You cannot be moaning. And sir. Nobody gets, and it's, that's the funny thing.

It's the dude. She's not saying anything. This dude's like, oh, oh, oh. And it's just like, Julia Armand is like looking upstairs. She's, like, cleaning the sink aggressively. You know what? I know you haven't been to Target all week. Let's go to Target.

Let's do it's a target for a while. Here's the thing. That's what's great about Target. There is always something. You just don't even know it yet. 2007, one of the best years at the movies. Let's go to the movies. Oh, yeah.

How about that? All right, yeah. There will be blood, no country for old men. Michael Clayton. All good movies she could have seen. Georgia ruled. Did you ever look up? Was there a third one?

or was it just those two motion pictures? It was chapter... Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, right, right, right, right. So, yeah, she fucks this dude's brains out, and she's like, she's being the bad girl. So she's like, oh, man, did Aubrey ever fuck you like that? And she's like, did Aubrey ever fuck you at all?

And it's like, what are we doing here? Like, let's just proceed. But then it's like she starts telling this dude, like, her story and like what the deal is. And this is a disgusting, disgusting sequence. Yeah. She's like, telling him how like,

yeah, I was at work one day and I just started bleeding and I had to go home and they cut to her like on the bus. Her hand is wrapped in a town and she's just bleeding

on the bus and smoking a cigarette? Dude, smoking and bleeding on a public bus, my lord. Well, I'm sorry. That sounds correct

to some public buses. I'll clean it up when I hit my stop. Your Majesty. One of my favorite, I always like to overhear meth heads in argument, was someone I was on a public bus in Baltimore, and this couple was arguing about what had happened last time on the bus, and hopefully this time they don't get kicked off the bus.

And the guy said, yeah, I'm not even trying to ride this bus like that, which is, I totally agree. There are certain times you're trying to ride this bus one way, and other times you are not even trying to ride this bus. to ride this bus like that. But then, depending upon the person, sometimes you may wind up riding the bus like that anyway.

Yeah, exactly. You start by accident. You go on the bus one way, something goes wrong. Then this dude is forced to humiliate himself because she's like, listen, I got to get out of this house, but the FBI is outside.

Like, let's launch this plan where the kid goes outside and asks all these FBI agents for condoms. And it's a big laugh. And everyone's like, oh, we're kidding. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's not like bumming a cigarette. I mean, really? I mean, come on.

I mean, come on. Rapping it up. That's for babies. Baby shit. But I'm not exaggerating. It's like two minutes of these guys going to. Oh, my God. You see this kid?

And they're like, they got him like in a circle too. And they're just laughing pointing at him. There's fat Jack Foxworthy is one of these FBI ages. And you know, see this dude looks exactly like an overweight of Jeff Foxworthy. Oh, no, I missed it. That's what happens. you hit the golden corral I got this card

it says I can eat here for free whenever I want Look you guys were short changing me It's time to get my money back Anybody have some condoms The chocolate fountains used to be bigger Yeah you're gonna be paying me back And roast pork

If you walk into golden corral You're not fat They look at you weird get me a cup of creamed corn to go Oh, ew A cream on the road Oh man, cream corned for later If you can sit through a golden corral dinner

And then not get two desserts You might be thinner than me Or if you can get through two golden corral dinners And not shit your pants Oh So she gets snuck out They wind up going to the first victim's house. The parents are like these grieving sitcom actors, which is kind of funny because the dad was definitely on Seinfeld.

He played the dude with the dogs that Elaine sleeps with. It's when you can't afford Michael Bean, you get this fella. Oh, wow. Oh, these napkins made perfect little dog bandana. And then what is the woman on? The woman, I've seen her in a bunch of sitcom. Oh, yeah. fuck um she most recently i think she's one of an easy joe swanberg's show okay i wouldn't know

a thing about that god what network is that on that's on netflix no so netflix the not network yeah so i'll never know what's on there yeah i'll never know who killed me you know what she's in is she's in that second uh eiji movie oh she's the mother in the that's why i don't know that's a good one that's what i'm the second the first one sucks the first one's off oh so the board strikes back. It is better. Speaking of which, that would be great in our board game movie. We get the paranormal element, the Ouija board. Oh, he's like the Doctor Strange of the crew.

Yes, totally. You know what I like about that, Eric? It seems easy to make the Ouija board the bad guy. But no, I like he's part of the crew. He's the fun one. Exactly. He's the mystic. He's going to take down old money bags.

Yeah, Uncle Pennybags get sucked into a vortex at the end of the movie. It's fucking, what was those ghosts in fucking Scrooge? What are they? Cratchett? No, that's the young guy. Jacob Marley. Yeah. There you go. You can bring up those guys to taunt the money bag, man. I do think that's the only way to stop capitalism is through supernatural intervention. I agree.

Oh, yeah, dude. That'd be pretty cool. Ghosts take down the stock market. It's called Ghost Crash. Yes. Yes. It's like all these ghosts from people who were around during the big one in 28, and they're like, learn from our mistakes. The Titanic just arrived. this would be great like fucking like

Victorian era also and like the stock market yeah you get some robber barren ghosts of robber barons all those dudes that killed themselves all these guys with like fucking blown open heads are coming back totally fucking starved oakies cauliflower ears as far as the eye

can see love it bumper crop so I mean this kind of comes to nothing she winds up like gaining some information from this Well, because the mother is, like, outrage that she showed up because the whole deal is this character, Dakota, is refusing to cooperate with the FBI, and they keep saying, like, listen, they think it's the same guy. So if you helped out and giving some information to the authorities, we could help, you know, they might be able to find our daughter's killer and you're impeding justice. No, no collusion.

There was no collusion. It was a different serial killer. Or whatever. Fuck. You know what's stupid about this serial killer? His fucking fake like Avengers toy cutting tools. It looks like Loki's staff this fucking thing. It looks like I used to have Legos that had like ice the Ice Brigade.

Yes. It looks like what they used to have. Yes. What are we doing? What are we fucking thinking with this? They're very expensive. Whatever they are, they're incredibly expensive. I need a scene of like a Dead Ringers-esque scene of him like designing these and like,

Like making those. Ask a Jehuli to do it. Geez. Well, so Steve, you're saying they're expensive. So it's like when you go to William Sonoma and like a Japanese cutting knife is $1,300 and you're like,

for one? Does it cut it and fuck me? Like what? Oh my God. What is this? Seven. No, it's just like $1,300 for a fucking knife. Is it going to cut it any different?

You're the one that wants to fuck a knife. Well, it better fuck me. Clean my floor. I mean, I don't know. What the fuck? $1,300. that's a lot of money carry my groceries home no I I get exactly like fucking cut the meal and then cook it for me too how about this $1,300 for a knife how is it going to buy me dinner first?

Yeah, it sounds like this knife doesn't make the cut oh there it is so like um so she she hold on where are we so McDuna is the is the this is the culprit it, where she thinks that... Oh, well, yeah, sure. Oh, she expects her problem. Well, she starts compiling information by visiting Ask. Ask.com. Dude, Askjeeves is involved.

Is that what Asked Jeeves became? Was asked to ask.com? Oh, well, once they fired his ass. Oh, no. I've been let go. This job has been in my family for years. Jeeves is now in the board game movie. But where am I to go, sir?

Would you like, excuse me, So, would you like some information? Oh, man, I just... He'll command the hungry hippos. Oh, yes. He's just begging for some kilobytes at fucking the corner of Geo-Cities and excite or Alta Vista.

Would you like me to look that up for you? I know, Michael Dukakis' birth date. The Google icon is just a G with colors. It won't even talk to me. No, please. I can tell you how many movies Lindsay Lohan had in 2017. I know lots of stuff Please

What do you want to know I'll hold my hand over the Tinder fire Oh global box office receipts For the Lord of the Rings trilogy I have it all Oh no Oh yes yes yes Eagle Eye Sherry's entire discography

It's right here I've got it Hold on don't go anywhere please It's so cold here Would you like to I'm sorry Would you like to stream pornography illegally I can do it.

I swear I can do it. Did you know that the Hogan's family was originally Valerie's family, but she was killed? I know that. I know at all. A second time Hogan family's come up recently. Speaking of which correction of the past, I was thinking of Mama's family.

Oh, different spinoff, man. Wait, is it from the same fucking show? Well, Mama, that started as like a sketch on the Carol Burnett show, I believe. Oh. Yeah, I watched a shit ton of Mama's family. My beef was with Mama's family. Oh, sorry.

What, you didn't like Mama's family? No, I didn't. No, yeah. It was an unpleasant show. Yeah, I kind of agree. Sometimes the couch is dirty and I'm out. Yeah, dude, you want me, wait, you want me to look at a dirty couch? Oh, I'm sorry once you're saying you couldn't watch Roseanne because that's the filthiest

fucking couch in TV history. But that's a, that's the couch I identified with in the time. I was like, yeah, that looks like my shitty couch. Well, some people had fucking Mama's couch, man. So, then they can watch Mamas. Oh, also it's right around here. she asks Jeeves if she's experiencing the stigmata. Yes, and we find out that she's a stigmatic, well, first of all, we get like this DVD extra of Art Bell telling you what Stigmatic Twins are.

I love this. Oh, my God. What were they thinking, man? Coast to Coast A.M. Well, this guy was probably a fan of that radio show, which did have its moments. And you could see from this film why Art Bell is made for radio. Yeah. Get that freak show.

out of you. Do you think he got the call and he was like, you want me be in a movie? Are you sure? You're not trying to call Jamie Bell, are you? Is he smoking on the radio like this? Like, I was just, it was so weird.

All of his old promo shots had him smoke. And he's trying to be like a fucking Rod Serling with his parents, too. It's terrible. Yeah, well, he lived, like, he had a radio station in the middle of fucking nowhere in the desert. It was very romanticized.

It was a cool promo. him to listen to for a short period of time. And he's just talking about like gleep-glops and conspiracies and shit. People would call in most of them would be like fake. Some of them maybe they're crazy. And like good production value too. Like I remember one time this guy called him like

from like a small plane claiming to be like flying oh like flying two area 51. I believe you have sent me the audio of this before. It gets like shot down on the call and art post is like oh my. Oh my God. Hello. Hello. Yes, a long time, first time. Quick question. Why would people want the information

from a Swedish nonsense word and not from a butler? Can I, someone let me know that? First of all, I have to say, East of the Rockies, you're on the air. Now, Jeeves, what is, I'm not doing it, I don't know, I don't have an art ballot pressure.

Jeeves, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, we're talking about ghosts. Yeah, the ghost of my career of finding things. What do you want to know? I can tell you it. I want to know what the world's like in the year 2535.

Well, I'll pull up a Philip K. Dick story for you. Royalty free, no problem. I've got it, hold on. Hang up on him. I got John Titor on the line who claims to be from the future. There are a lot of future guys on there. Oh, really? Yeah, that's fun.

Well, because what are you going to do, man, when you travel back in time, you're going to call into a fucking nothing radio show. You got like three hours on there. It was pretty popular in the 90s. Hey there, Mr. this is yahoo first time long time know what i'm talking about dude yeah yahoo would be more like matthew mcconaughey hey man we don't make any money it's no big deal all right all right all right here's your movie time my name's yahoo so uh yeah we just bought my space i don't know

oh did they buy my space or no was that them no i don't know i don't know uh i know the one time Justin Timberlake tried to save MySpace. I don't know whatever happened with that. So she winds up watching this video about stigmatic twins, which I couldn't tell if that's... I mean, it's not a real thing, but is that a real phenomenon? I've never heard of this. But so basically...

Made up for this motion picture. It's, uh, if one twin gets hurt, the other twin gets hurt. Right. And she's remembering... We had to talk about this. Her finger falls off in the middle of the movie. Oh, right. Dakota is a stripper, and her finger falls off. Oh, man.

And she's like, not this again. She like fucking soes it back on and puts a glove on over. A sexy glove, but a glove. I got to tell you, this movie, I think, is trying to comment on the broken health care system in the United States. Right, because she does say hospitals are for rich people, which she's correct. Oh, totally. If your fucking finger is off and it's bleeding, you can go to a clinic and then stip them on the bill. The old SADC.

Yeah. Rotted off. Like instantaneous rot. I think somebody should look at it. It's not rot, dude. It's fucking, like frostbite. Oh, yeah. Because this dude is like using the dry ice block.

Either way, instantaneously, go to a fucking hospital or go to the Guinness people. And how is it? One of the other. In your 17th or 18th year or whatever, you're just noticing this. Like, what happened when Aubrey fell off her bike? What happened when fucking Dakota got a tooth pulled? What happened when fucking anything? happened. Totally.

Was Aubrey feeling the fucking? Yeah, that's a great question. Right? Like a residual orgasm. Yeah, it turns out this movie didn't think any of that through because it's quite stupid. So her finger falls off. She watches this video about like these two twins, one gets killed and the other one just gets a

bullet hole in his neck and dies. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what Art Bell narrates amiably. Yeah, I just, I want a bullet hole in my neck. So she goes to Julia Ormond again and she's like, look motherfucker, I am a stigmatic twin and she's like, no, no, no,

like we're going to sit you down and make you watch your ultrasound video. And they have this scene with the two of them like bond and I'm like, not in this movie. No, it's too late. She's like, oh, you know, I carried you all these months and then like in my last, for the last six weeks I had to be on my back because you had a problem

and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, oh, mother. No, you didn't. No. I'm Dakota. Dakota. Let me call Art Bell. We'll figure this out. We'll let Art Bell weigh in on this. West of the Rockies, you're on the air.

All right, look, did my mother birth me? Well, that is an interesting question, young lady. Now, tell me about your mother. Was she a devil? Hello, Art, can I feel this one? What's your name? I'll pull up your records. I've got them.

I've got them here right here. I told you to stop calling into this show. I've even been talking to the dark web now. Oh, fuck, man. he's made some deals, like, I can't fuck these guys over. I need to, you have to use me now. I promise them a certain number of searches. Turns into

Ask Silk Road. Do you have meth? I could mail you heroin. Oh shit, Yahoo again. All my users are above the age of 60 and terrified of the dark web. All right, all right. Yeah, this is hot mail. I'm just smoking

here thinking about how libertarian I'm not Lindsay Lohan. I'm just, you know, I'm a smoker. I'm just another guy. I'm just another guy. There's a lot. Everyone sounds the same a little bit. Turns out hot males, Lindsay Lohan's biggest fan. So she confronts Neil McDonough. This is when she realized it's he was, he knew that he had to know the whole thing because she's like, you know, oh, I figured it all out. You, when Julia Armand had the baby, the baby died and then you bought it from my. my crack whore mother. Right. How does she make this conclusion? It's a great question.

Because, like, she's, like, slinging some shit at Neil McDonough, and he's like, I can't wait another five years till I'm in that fucking Captain American movie. I'll tell you right now. Or my great stint unjustified, anything to get me out of this fucking movie. Look, I only got the script yesterday. Three people passed. They gave it to me. I am out of my depth right now.

One day I'm going to be paid to be on Arrow. One day. One day. He played M. Bison, too. He's a big villain on Arrow. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't watch the show, but I know he's a huge. I think it's Damien Dark, I want to say.

Yes, that sounds right. Nailed it. You played M. Bison as well on that secret of Chun Lee movie. Legend of Chunley. The legend of... Chunley has no secrets. It's all in legend for. Hey, hey, we're Chunley here.

We don't have any secrets. Yeah, so she lays it. in the Neil McDonough, and you're just like, wow, these wild accusations to which Neil McDonough replies, you got me. I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Well, also, like, that's the thing is like, then why did you wait all this time? I mean, like, obviously this is your big secret against your wife or whatever, but like, when this woman starts saying, like, I am not this girl, I am a twin, you're not like,

oh, right, that girl I bought was a twin. Oh, shit. And by the way, we should note that twins are half a person. and half a soul. Oh, they say that? She says it multiple times. Oh, fuck, I mean, it's part of her great prose. Related to her short story.

Oh, right, the fantastic writing. Mm-hmm. So then she's like, oh, let me go to the grave of the other girl. Oh, the girl who was previously murdered, who she's impeding the investigation to solve the mystery. And she's impeding two investigations, Andrew. She pulls off this blue ribbon and she's like, Neil McDonough, I know who killed me.

Oh, right. She, I dude, listen, I almost reconsidered throwing myself down those stairs. Really? I was already half a foot down. I can't believe she actually says it. I know who killed. It had to happen. Does it make it better?

It makes it worse. Yeah. It makes it so much worse. So we should kill ourselves. This is after she says to Neil McDonough, you're pathetic. go fuck yourself some of the worst delivery you have ever seen also this very strange scene worth mentioning only for one thing um the guy on the bus who had noticed her with oh right the actual in the movie sighting of a sizzle chest this guy comes to her in a dream with a heart tattoo

well hang on the second backtrack the dude on the bus is like hey bleeding girl, are you all right? Hey there, silly ass, why are you bleeding on this fucking bus, loser? Who's in charge of this bus? Get me, Brett Weir, someone's bleeding on this bus.

Is that what Lycos sounds like? Yeah, that's definitely Lycos. Dude, that... Yeah, you'll stop fucking using me first, I bet. Lycos, that's a name I haven't heard at a long time. Fuck you, jerky. But yeah, so he's like,

like oh yeah oh sometimes she's like oh i got cut and she's like i bet you want to know why he's like no sometimes people get cut oh that's yeah that's what this dude says on the bus that's the exchange so cut to him in this dream and he's got a cartoon tattoo on his chest and it starts like sizzling because they have bad graphics and it reenacts steamboat willie all i was gonna make a steamboat Mickey joke, yeah. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Fuck, dude, are we, are we, uh, mind meld?

Are you, are your avatar twins, uh, intertwining? Yes, we got to call, Art Bell immediately. Art Bell come out of retirement for the 90th time so we can call you. West of the Rockies, I'm dead. Not yet. Every time Eric says something to be about Art Bell, my first response is, is that guy dead? Yeah. Like when he was like, guys, Art Bell is in this movie?

I was like, is that dude dead? You always got to check in with Art Bell. Yeah, as far as I know, he's not. Soon enough, he'll be under the Rockies. Oh, I'm sure. Yes. I think any day now. Wow, really? Is he in your death pool?

He's been out there. He should be at a death pool for sure. So basically, she finds out who kills her. She doesn't tell anybody. She's like, we have to go to this one place right now. By the way, let's not call the cops. By the way, all the FBI agents are mysteriously gone. By the way, we have cell phones in this movie.

Just call. Because even Neil McDonough's like, shouldn't we tell the police? She's like, there's no time. Time for what? There's no clock to any of this. No. Well, no, now she starts getting short of breath because Aubrey is being buried alive in a fucking Star Wars, a revenge of the Sith coffin, this big blue fucking coffin.

Those are the Virgin Mary's in it. Right. So that's actually a good point. So she's like, well, this Aubrey must still be alive because I'm still alive. Is that like Padma's? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it took me a second. Yeah, it's hard to remember the funeral procession. Well, just that they make her like the Virgin Mary for some, oh, well, you know, as a lapsed Catholic myself here, you know, Sabalba, we stopped going to church a long time ago, man. Whole things about the Lord Christ, man, just fucking look at it the right way. I got to spell it out for you. Jeez.

Hey, Stephen. Hey, Stephen. You ever notice that he kind of looks like the Virgin, Mary, man. Yes, and Stephen, you know, just Anakin is a lot like Jesus Christ, because they both

killed sand people. Hey, George, buddy, I'm between movies right now. I just did the fucking post, and I'm in the middle of fucking marketing goddamn ready player one. You want to shut the fuck up for five minutes, buddy. Oh, come on, man. You told me you'd always hear out my own fan theories.

I can't keep asking Jeeves about all this stuff. He gave me a little money back in the fucking 70s and ever since! That's right motherfucker. It's the worst loan you ever made, man. So let me tell you about Obi-1-Kadobie being the Holy

Spirit. You know what? Fuck it. I'm doing another Indiana Jones. Just fuck it. You know what, really? So yeah, she's being buried alive and Aubrey is short of breath, which kind of doesn't make sense because wouldn't she just die?

Not Aubrey. Dakota in the car I can't breathe, I can't breathe Well I guess because like the person is suffocating Are we made aware that there's a buried alive coffin situation happening? Yeah Yeah, they showed the guy put her in the coffin Oh yeah, it takes quite a long time

This is like eight minutes of this movie More glasswork from this dude So this guy's oh that's okay I do remember that Yeah So blue glass of course They drive to this guy's place and they don't tell us Who it is They don't tell us who killed me yet

Neil McDonough's like, I'll take care of this. Again, let's not call the police. I'm going to go in there by myself. Smart. And whoops, he takes a long time and gets murdered. And she goes in, and this is my favorite scene of the whole movie is, and I thought it was fake, like fake even in the movie. Like, she's going in, it's a creepy house, it's all this stuff.

She slams this dude's arm into the door and just like cuts it off like you would cut off. I don't know, like a piece of fucking sausage. It's a hand. I think he's made out of cake or something. It's amazing, dude With bone and tendons That's a fucking $1,300 knife Actually, that's true

When you want to slice through a hand Bone included really Really quickly $1,300 Japanese steak knives So like, all right, let's pretend She can even do that That's even humanly possible Yeah

This dude is dead Like that's how that works Your hand gets cut off And it's not by a lightsaber That cauterizes the wound You don't instantly die You'll bleed to death Yes, but you're not running around after Lindsay Lohan.

You're white as a ghost on the floor. You're not up on two feet, period. Also, I don't think this dude even... It depends on how much PCP I did. Okay. Well, I don't even think this dude makes a noise. Like, the hand comes out from, like, behind a curtain, and she's like, and it gets cut off.

Yeah, and he's just like, oh, damn. It's like, brammer, and you just, like, see that the stump, like, go back behind this curtain. I was like, what are we doing? Scream! It's a puppet show. Yeah. It's the fucking worst. punching Judy ever. So she finds

Neil McDonough and Neil McDonough is like, I'm a dad. Is he in like a bathtub of his own blood? I have no idea what this is. I thought it was, I thought at first like, oh shit, she cut her dad's hand off. That's what I thought too, actually. It would have been a better movie if she did.

But she didn't. This guy just got ganged from something else, I guess. Off screen by the way. Show me that. That's what I want. I want to see Neil McDumbent and get it. I want to see him get it. No, you'll just get him on a baking tray with his own fucking blood. I know who baked to my

dad. Sweet. Pot parody locked in. You think this titular line I know who killed me is like a reference to, I think it was like D.O.A, the original film noir where he like walks into the police

station. He's like, I'd like to report a murder my own. Yeah, totally. I think they're sort of, they're playing with that alone. Well, this guy loves referencing movies that are thousands of times better than his own. That's right. What's the, they're outside the,

the marquee in the movie. It's another like, murder by contract. Murder by contract. That's a good. Pretty good. Yeah. So there's a little bit of like cat and mousing going on here.

He ties her up somehow with one arm and the other arm bleeding profusely. Yeah, I don't know what's going on there. He's very, maybe this guy was like an eagle scout. I'll tell you what he's doing right there. Okay, I'm going to tie you up

and then I'm going to put you down here. I'm going to make some blue glass. And then I'm going to make some blue glass. I'm going to put it everywhere. Oh, shit, Mr. White. Anyway, I think what should have happened in this scene is he takes her robot arm. Yes, that would be cool. Like, quickly to shove it in there.

Well, doesn't the arm get ripped off at one point? Like, she hits him with it or something? Oh, that's right. She does knock him over with it as well. Yeah. This is after she, this is another hilarious thing that's supposed to be like, totally fucked up. She opens a door in this dude's house

And there's just a bunch of hanging fake legs from the ceiling Clute reference, fuck you Oh, is that right? Yeah, I've never seen it. And it's like in a bunch of mannequins like a... I thought it was a reference to what's the Kubrick Killers Kiss? Oh, that might also... What's the killing maybe?

Whatever they're at like that mannequin factory. Killer's kiss I think is the one with the one down. The killings like where they're at the race track. Similar titles. Yes. You know, if Irvin. Kirstner didn't actually take my note. That's where

Empire Strikes Back would have ended in a room full of amputated, full of prosthetic hands. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He never stops. Oh, my God, he never stops. So they finally get back onto Admiral Ackbar's Dregnought and it's just full of hands and you're like,

wait, what? End of the movie. Hey, Stephen, can I get you on my side with this one thing, though, man? Like, they did Luke dirty right? you know what George you got me laid once and I'm leaving now okay that girl was an eight dude

you gotta sit down so yeah they did it dirty man George you're talking to the wall I'm leaving killing all my favorite characters man it's fucked up and Peter Peter Mayhew man he's he's too old for that

I'm Mr. Lucas are you okay are you still talking? Yeah man it's just that BBA is bullshit. Mr. Spielberg just lit a joint in the hallway. I mean, if there's circular droids, why are there wheels?

Why would anyone have a wheel? Well, I guess there are land speeders, but there are wheels in Star Wars. Just look around. Yeah, wow, great talent, JJ. Put two fucking beach balls on top of each other and make a billion dollars. Fuck you, man.

And you know what, Ryan? Hey, Ryan. Yeah, yeah, it's George again. Who is Snoke even supposed to be related to? Every, what the fuck man? You make a character is not related to anybody? Mr. Spielberg, will you come back? He needs somebody. He needs somebody here to talk to. No, this is not Stephen. I'm using his fucking phone, man. That's how you picked up. Hey, Ryan, man. The brick is bullshit. Do you really spell your name with an eye? I mean, Jehovah's spelled with an eye.

Like, Looper was cool for a while. It kind of fizzles out in the end, dude. Bruce Willis, what were you smoking? I'm a fan of surrogates. Big fan of surrogates. That movie is almighty trash, dude. H.T. You would want to come over and watch my print of surrogates?

It's the only struck 35mm print of surrogates. It would be a digital file because remember how he renounced film when he was made like print holes? Oh, right, right. What an asshole. So the killer is the pianist teacher, the piano teacher. And it's the dumbest reveal of all time. It's like following this dude's feet and he sits down at a piano and he's like one-handed

playing a tune. Because like in the beginning, like he does some tune really well. And it's like, wow, eerie shit. Yeah. It's like, who could care about this piano teacher as it's not been in the movie? I thought it was going to be the boyfriend, at least that's sort of something.

But it's just like this room, the huge piano is there, the blue light is coming in through the window. It's like the fucking November rain video. I mean, it is just hot trash, dude. Oh, that's who, that's a little bit. That's what Lindsay Lohan's Oscar.

She plays Axel Rose. Oh, there you go. In the cold November rain, yeah. I got inspiration from Albert Knobbs. I think we've lost it Yeah, we're at a DX jersey now God, what a mistake You'd just like, like you'd expect there to be built up

Like there would be something of a real fight But she just like stabs this dude In the dick and then the neck and then that's it. Right in the dick though, kind of the only cool part of this movie He ties her up under an end table. He's like, I'm going to kill you now. Right. But she finds some perfect blue glass corkscrew that he keeps under this end table for what?

His weird fucking Lego ice tools, man. You see the whole tray of them. Between the piano lessons, he's been very busy, Steve. Fucking collect the whole set, man. So she stabs in the dick. She stabs him in the throat. And then he like goes up to all these prosthetic legs and just fall. over and it's like who were you sir what did you do why did you do it i mean that you were like

the kindly piano teacher who was legitimately upset that she a real talent was quitting in 18 seconds who you're related to yeah what's your backstory man father specifically fathers like three movies out of this guy's backstory huh oh man you know the one thing i liked in that movie i was like Oh, Snoke, who's he going to be related to? And then, of course, it's related to fucking nobody, man. Fucking porgs, dude. Let me get me fucking started. What's wrong with a do-back?

I thought he was going to be Waddo, son. Eventually, you could put a banter in there. So, she winds up going, oh, sorry. Well, I was going to say right here, because she leaves the house at this point, as Steve was going to say to go to, like, the graveyard. She's escorted by my favorite character in the movie. Oh, right. Dude, this CGI owl, the fuck is this.

I mean, I guess it's kind of a psycho reference, at least in the first part. The owl? Also Twin Peaks, right? Big time. Yeah. So, I mean, it's a little bit of everything. And the owl's like, who, who, she's right there. It's like, all right, cool, Al.

Thank you, Mr. Owl. She digs her out. Oh, well, the owl also finds out how many licks. I was just going to say, Mr. Owl and that annoying little boy are both in the board game movie, I bet. Oh, yeah. Totally. Well, because they're in Candyland. They're stuck in Candyland.

Totally. Yep. And Miss what we say, Peacock. Yeah. She's the protagonist. Right. They need to seize the memes of candy production to take down Mr. Moneyback. So now he's got no candy to sell on the boardwalk.

All right. This is all coming together really easy. After the battle with the Operation Monster. I mean, literally, if this movie ever happens, which it probably will, because the emoji movie exists, by the way, we're going to be doing that on April 8th. That, NYCPOTFest.com. You need to pay us money now because now you're ripping this off. Now that's it. Also, no, here's how we tie in this movie to the board game movie.

Now she gets abducted by the operation guy. And they call him in the movie, by the way, they call him Johnny Rednose. Johnny Rednose takes her to a zombie. Who would have to be a zombie because, like, he's got fucking, like, corkscrews and fucking wrenches and his fucking art. He's a vengeful zombie that was all the malpractice through the capitalism, which, you know, Moneybag owns all the hospitals. So they butcher this dude, and he wants to get revenge on just anyone. So he kidnaps Miss Peacock, played by Lindsay Loanne, and, like, fucking cuts off her arm and her leg. Yes. Yeah. Oh, right. Much like I know who killed me.

Yeah. Perfect. It's all coming together, man. Okay, we're going to gender swap Colonel Mustard. Now it's a woman that is also a twin of Lindsay Longer. This is all perfect. I'm so happy. Colonel Julie Mustard. Call me Julie Mustard. So the last shot of this movie is she digs up Aubrey, who's still alive, pulls her out of this stained glass coffin.

No, she doesn't. What do you mean? She lays down. Like, that's what you show. do you find she lays down it makes Aubrey climb out no she just lays down the way I saw it she just lays down in the fucking coffin

with her no and then it pans away she breaks open the coffin and it pulls her out she does pull her out dude because they're laying in the dirt at the end of the movie I thought it was in the coffin no no no no it's they're outside they're like they're right next to the grave and this girl's like she doesn't say anything

but she's like trying to you know breathe normally again and Lindsay Lohan like this the Dakota the the bad girl one like fucking spoons up next to her and that's the end of the movie well the end of the movie is supposed to be

which is so stupid which he said it was like it was supposed to be the story the whole time but you would know it was also played by Lindsay Lohan and she'd be wearing purple you know why guys

what does red and blue make oh right yellow and what is Miss Peacock wear what is that black Miss Peacock? No blue blue purple all sorts of colors she was dressed like

peacock in the movie. Oh, right. I thought it was purple. You're thinking of Ms. White, the... Madeline Khan. Yes. Oh, right. Yeah, the maid. Yeah, and that's the end of this fucking movie, huh? Just, what are we? I know who killed me.

I know who killed me, man. Yeah, listener request month. Fucking Sharf from Sacramento killed me this week. We should name... I wish I had all the names in front of me. I'd read him out like a fucking goddamn like a, like a police report. I'm still getting over fucking Weinberg last week, Scott Weinberg

with goddamn Tarzan the ape man. The best movie The Bunch was the Cherokee Boys. How did that happen? That's something, man. And boy, does it just feel like a lifetime ago? Yes. I guess I would not recommend this week. It's almost to watch it.

Like, it's almost kind of sort of worth watching, I think, right? No. No. All right, I'm wrong. Chris Cabin. Absolutely not. Avoid at all costs. Yeah, this is not for anyone. No.

And I mean, while you're at, it man watch movies by david lynch movies by alfred hitchcock movies by brian de palma all the things his motherfuckers inspired by that was movies by zach snider yes movies by michael bay go see them all watch the jerky boys man watch the last jenai which i'm super excited to see again by the way we liked that movie i didn't want anyone to think that we were making fun of the last jettics it's a great movie we're not that podcast oh here come the one star review i can't wait we didn't like star wars so one star were racist. Yeah, that's iTunes.

And that's I Know Who Killed Me, directed by Chris Cybertson. Thank you to everybody who called in for this month. Of course, we're just joking here, man. This is literally the point of the show is to talk about trashy movies. And I'm just saying we selected a bunch of whoppers, man. One wopper

after the next, topping each other week after week. Head on over to WHM Podcast.com. Or find us over at the HeadGum Network for more we hate movies programming. Facebook.com slash we hate movies at WHM podcast on Twitter. We all hate movies at gmail.com

for that sweet, sweet mailbag. I'm just being handed an item from the newsroom. Is it, do we have a Patreon? No, the president has... No, that's... We have a Patreon. There it is. ...com slash we hate movies.

This month's premium episode at the $5 level is Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance. You pledge at that level. You get 19 animation damn... nations are our cartoon episodes and more to come plus episodes on bright man of steel and again there will be more also there's an eight dollar level where we have the nexus where we do a star trek star trek star trek sounds weird after all that star wars talk yeah yeah uh recap shot and this month because it was a listener response much we did a tng episode and a deep space nine

episode and it was both pretty filthy oh it was disgusting second item oh my god the World War Commentary Tracks We have commentary tracks Also at the $8 level There's a bunch of Just go over the Patreon And check it out

The World War Commentaries are very long I'm gonna just tell you that So take a day Take a day to listen It's very serious It's like Ken Burns style And next week on the program

We're out of a listener request On Steve Sadek What are we doing? Oh we are doing five This is the one We've kind of teased a little bit A Shrek Oh shit

Look at that Mike Myers Shrek. Just Shrek. Robbing the grave of Chris Farley. Jesus Christ. All right. I forgot about that.

Yeah. The horror behind it. You know, if you think you like this movie, you don't. Yes. I feel like this could be a nostalgia buster for some people. I was old enough to hate this movie immediately. I remember liking the first one, but I've never gone back to it. I didn't really like it.

I don't know. So I guess we'll see. So next week on the program where dreams may be shattered. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Shrek. Take it easy.

A little preview there.