We Hate Movies - S8 Ep349: Episode 349 - Shrek

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

On this week's episode, the guys go to Toon Town to talk about the doesn't-really-hold-up fan favorite, Shrek! Does that ogre eat its own feces? How many fart jokes can you fit in before the opening credits finish? And was Lord Farquaad getting ready to pleasure himself and make the Magic Mirror watch? PLUS: A writer for Gangbang Monthly gets his credentials in order to make the first Shrek press screening! Shrek stars the vocal talents of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow, and Vincent Cassel; directed by Vicky Jenson & Andrew Adamson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ah, what a refreshing thing to be out of listener request. What, what's that? Oh, Shrek. Oh, that's cool. Today's episode is Shrek. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Kavan.

And I am Eric Shrek. And we hate movies. Jesus. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, up top, it's Shrek from 2001, directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jensen. I feel like this is maybe right now breaking some hearts on the internet. Oh, yeah, it's a bit of a nostalgia bruster.

I think this is probably like our most successful movie we've ever done. up babies it's shit oh wait wait it's okay to like a movie but go back and see this one I don't know what Eric means to say is wake up babies it's shit

is that is that he's pushing a new he's pushing a new catchphrase and I'm all about it that would be great in like Blade Runner 3 wake up babies it's shit that was Kurt Vonnegut's quote right wake up baby oh no it's not

shit it goes why would I want to wake up the shit Hello, I'm awake So this of course I mean I don't know how you don't know what this is This is the Mike Myers The first of the Mike Myers Eddie Murphy Cameron Diaz

Animation Dynasty This character has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame Which is pretty dumb I read that today and I was like That's pretty dumb Do any other ones? I bet you Mickey Mouse has one Oh Mickey's got one

I'm sure Bugs has got something Oh wait so it's just animated Animated Hulk Hogan probably has it as well. Ninja Scroll. Ninja Scroll has one. Wait, animated Hulk Hogan? There was a wrestling show with Hulk Hogan. Wait, so is it Hulk Hogan, parentheses, cartoon?

Yes, cartoon. Oh, brother. Not the Gremlin's in the movie theater. You know what, brother? They did be dirty. They did be dirty on the Walk of Fame, brother. Wait, is his thing Hulk Hogan or doesn't say Terry Balea? What do you mean?

Oh, it would be. Hulk co it would be awful cartoon it's who knows Terry Belaya and like the guy that released the sex tape that's it oh Gawker knows all about Mr. Terry Belay I'll tell you that much inside and out man every nook and cranny I'll just leg drop you give you a couple of billion bucks

pork goes in come comes out pork goes in come comes out that's awful this movie is technically for children although man I'm really surprised it's rated PG. It's nuts. It's a hard PG. This is an NC17. My God. I mean, this is like, this harkens back to like the days in the 80s when like 16 candles could be rated PG. This is the holy sion of Fritz the cat. Well, we're doing like, it's, it's the early 2000s. This is made in the late 90s, so we're still doing a lot of crude humor.

Not that that's gone away, but like specifically in that time frame. American Pie did something to mainstream in comedy. There's something about Mary as well, Cameron Diaz. Of course, and that was 90. Yes, and that was all 98, 99, 2000 leading into this. Right, and if you look back on it by the way, there's something about Mary, American Pie, and Shrek, three movies

tied together by scenes with people playing with Come. Yes, exactly. Important note. Important note. Yeah, I mean, if you went to the movies in the early thousand, there wasn't a coming, they were like, hey man. That's true. Was a projector broken? Holy shit. Wow, that one was really weird.

Ooh, that was creepy. I can't even look at you now. I'm so fucking freaked out. Wow, you guys were like made for each other. Dude, E-Harmony, man. It helped us out. Yeah, which one's Brad Pitt?

Which one's Ed Norton? Oh, that's, oh, good question. Oh, right. Dude, both of you shoot yourselves in the head. So Shrek is a thing that exists because it's an ogre. It was a William Steig or Styg. children's book. Rod Steiger?

Is that the guy that wrote the girl who kicked over the Hornet's Nest? No, no, no. Stieg Larsson. Oh, yes, I have a character named Shrek. He's an ogre. He's mean.

My favorite scene in this Shrek book is when Shrek kicks the dildo into that man's ass. You know what? We're not far off from it in this movie. Oh, no, that person was both financially and

and physically abusing Shrek you will get revenge on him it's very powerful for Shrek who's an ogre to take power back this is the part where you learn about the donkey's family and how savage they are to everybody and here's an hour

of the fairy tale newspaper business it's a lot more about the newspaper business those two sequels got real boring real fast of course it's about the fucking newspaper business and it's like a fucking

like courtroom drama sure I was like remember when that dildo got kicked yes but no so it's William Stieg or Stig is a was a New Yorker cartoonist and the cartoon

God I should have known and the book was very much like you know like it was just about an ogre who could like breathe fire and he was violent he could breathe fire he could breathe fucking fire where the hell is that in this

great question turning it down to hit this PG so it's like yeah oh and like like he's just so gruff and ugly and lonely and he finds what is called an ugly princess and they get they get together and that's the whole thing and I believe there's a donkey but this was a smash success because uh dreamworks took it up dream works man now we should say also we say we say Mike Myers this was originally Chris Farley was and he had like almost all of it recorded before he passed away and then Mike Myers just swooped on in and ate that up

Is it a, I mean, I guess because it would be too unsettling, was it because it wasn't finished or was it because it's too unsettling to hear a voice from beyond the grave? You'd have to recast it for sequels. Oh, right, right, right. And you know, they were just thinking like, mm, sequel money. Yeah, yum, yum, yum, yum, yeah, nobody was eaten. Which is kind of a bummer because, I mean, like, I'm sure Chris Farley did a great job. And, like, that could have been like, he could have made another good movie other than Tommy Boy. You know what I mean?

Like, it could have happened. Wait, no, it wouldn't have been good. Well, it would be Shrek. Yeah, that's a good point. But, I mean, like, another beloved film other than time. Well, I don't know. Some of, so much of this movie is me sitting there going, uh, Mike Myers' accent is turned on.

Mike Myers' accent is turned off. Mike Myers' accent is turned off again. Like, at least Chris Farley, he was just, you can hear some of it on YouTube, I think. Like, he's just doing Chris Farley. It's totally fine. But, like, guaranteed he sounded like Chris Farley the entire time. Then they toned it down. Like, the drawings I've seen are very, like, much hairier, like, weirder looking than he is.

Yeah, that'd be fun. Like, he's, like, honestly, he's a little too adorable in this movie. I know they have, he has to be. Yeah. But, like, in the drawing, original drawings, I saw, he was much more, like, gangly. And Lord Farquod was actually Lord Fartwad. Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

That should have been it. And also, you're right. This Shrek could get it. You could go. He's a handsome enough guy. He kind of looks like James Gandalfini a little bit with like little ears, you know? James Gandalfi is a famously handsome fashion.

Yeah, he looks like James Gandalfini now. Oh, man. Yikes. Jesus. There was something, I think, on the Tribune where they were talking. God, that's horrible. You really like making fun of dead people, huh? You have quite a flare for you.

Welcome to my haunting. I do have a story about looking like Shrek. Oh, please. Oh, no, I lost my thought. What was it about until James Gandalfini was fucking disrespected. Oh, no, no, no, no. It was, I think on the Tribune, it said something about, rumor has it that, like, this version of Shrek was based on, like,

some old rassler. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was born in, like, 1900, this rassler was born. And if you Google this dude, he was an actual ogre? He kind of. I mean, yeah, it looks this dude could have played the part. Yeah. What's your looking like Shrek story?

Okay, so this came out in 2001. Uh-huh. I was in high school. Before the towers went down. Before the towers went down. The latter half high school. And this might have been like 2002 or something. Sure.

But I don't know if it was hot or not.com. But it was something like that where you rate photos of people. That was hot or not. That was hot or not. I might have been an off one because there was a comment area as well. I don't know if that was the, I can't remember any of this stuff. But me and my friend from high school, we used to, you know, take like angsty photos of each other. Oh, yeah.

Of course you do. Yeah, of course. And then Chris Cabin definitely did. Yeah. And then, you know, unbeknownst to me, he's like, oh, yeah, I put that photo up on this rating site. Oh, no. Oh, without your permission? Yeah.

So then I go to it. And like the one comment on it. is like this one person says he looked like Shrek Oh man Just like all lowercase No time for punctuation I love the idea that you have to fucking write that

And hit Senn You know what I mean He looked like Shrek Oh you know that that guy Look like Shrek He looked like Shrek Who looked like Shrek He looks like Shrek

It's just like you know You have to like it's in your brain and it can't just be like hey buddy him that guy looks like Shrek No no Hey everybody he looks like Shrek But that's not why I hate the movie I hated it when I saw it original.

Let me talk to, may I speak of my experience with this film? The year was 2001, Christmas 2001. And someone said on a website, you look like donkey? No. Dumbow? I got for Christmas, me and my brother got a DVD player. Watching things on DVD. You blew the roof off the house.

Wow, man. That's pretty cool. But no one got anybody in any... Nobody got anybody in any DVDs. So I had to go to Blockbuster to rent one. And what I did was, I spiked up my hair, which was the style of the time. Yes, it was.

And I got, what I also got for Christmas was a pair of yellow sunglasses. Hell yeah. And I walked down in this... Like a sugar red coming through. In this olive snowboarder jacket, which I also got for Christmas. Nice.

This is a big Christmas. It was a huge Christmas for me. Did it all come in a pimp set or was it separate things that had to be purchased? And I just looked back at myself now. I must have looked like the guy from Smash Mouth, man. And what I did was rent Shrek. And this is my first DVD I ever saw.

Wait, did you see it in the theater at all? No, no, no. It was just like, oh, people like this movie. That's the only, and there was like, yeah. I saw Shrek in the theater. Oh, yeah? And I was just fuming me. Hey, everybody, everybody, turn the lights on.

Bring the house lights up. That guy over there? He looks like Shrek. In hindsight, they were probably right. I definitely also owned this on standard deaf DVD. Yeah, I had it. Full frame? No.

No, no, no, no. Did you get popcorn? What? When I bought it on DVD? Sure. I don't think so. Oh, okay. I can't recall.

This had the most annoying DVD menu thing, where it was just the docket like, Hey, Shrek, Shrek, let's watch the movie. Shrack, I'm over here, Shrack, I'm over here, Shrack, I'm over here. You left the room to go to the bathroom. You didn't know what a DVD was. You're like, oh, I just hit pores or something.

You know what I mean? Yep. And it's, what is that nattering coming with the television? Learn from Terminator 2. Just flames and that cool-ass song. Yeah. Steve, did you get popcorn? I did get popcorn.

Because in the Blockbuster, they started to do that, like, check. Do you remember that? It was there at the register as an impulse sign. Oh, of course, Act 2, popcorn. I remember it well. Act three is the toilet. Act two where the popcorn breaks up. Well, thank you for your popcorn.

So this movie starts off with like this sweet sort of fairy tale book look to it. Mike Myers is narrating. Record scratch. This ain't your mama's fairy tale. That's right. Tear that book out of the tone man and wipe your fat ogre ass with it. Because this dude is taking his shit and tearing up his reason. material to wipe his own ass.

I, oh, I didn't, I missed that part. Oh, yeah. I knew he tore it, but I didn't know that this was toilet paper to be up. Well, he tears it, they're like, ha, that story is bullshit. And he tears it, and they cut, they immediately cut to the

fucking outside of the outhouse, and it's somebody, and he fucking kicks the door open. See, you missed it completely. He was jerking off on, in the hout house, and he had to wipe up something else. Somebody once told me that the world was out to roll me.

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with a finger in a top and a shape of an L ever for her head. Take it, Chris. That's not happening. Dude, that song is fucking wretched. It's so bad. And it was played at this point, right?

2001. It was a little late. It was a surprise. It was one of those like, oh, this song? And then it was only then that that song was like forever cemented. As the Shrek song. It was the mystery man's song. It was the mystery man thing, but then that was like three years prior, everybody kind of forgot that that song and that video and all that shit. And this movie just

dragged up all these bad memories. From the beginning, I've always been a walking on the sun man. Oh, right. I never, like, I totally forgot that this was in this movie. And it's another reason why I hate it. There's so much dated humor in this besides all the dick jokes, but like the macarena thing,

which on my memory was like three minutes long and the entire song, because I was so angry, but it turned out to be about three seconds. They do the macarana at the end. Yeah, but it's not even the song. You have to understand where we were as a society at the time. Four years out from that

song being popular. Four years out with like literally like a joke a day about the macarena for four fucking years and then i got to see this fucking ape this green ape do it the fucking the green a whatever this thing is the bones of that song had already turned to dust yeah and then here's this movie throwing it back in your face i mean lu vega boys dead or what we could understand the vega boys who was it the what was it who did the macarena there the subject boys the uh i don't the baha men no no that's No, they were who let the dogs

Yeah, there was like these two older dudes Yes, that were just, they must be dead Please look them up, please tell me they're dead Please tell me Why did that happen? Hold on, sorry I just don't like all like This is a very

So I just don't like the idea of like Referencing so many songs that are in a world That this has no connection to That's the thing. If you want to play But because the movie does, it has it both ways, which is in a hundred percent. It just plays the songs, like at the case of the beginning with somebody, like nobody's singing that. Yeah. But then there's other parts of this movie where Eddie Murphy's singing like disco tunes.

Otis Redding. He goes on Otis Redding. Los Del Rio was the band. Oh, okay. And are they dead? Okay, yeah, go back on your phone and find out if they're dead. Dude, by the way, you would know if they were dead. The nation would board.

Exactly. You would have heard about it. They're just like their careers are dead. That's one thing Trump would definitely put a holiday on, the death of them. Fucking finally. Yeah, yeah, you'd be celebrating. Our national nightmare is over, folks. We found the people who sang the macarena and killed them instantly.

We're going to build a billboard chart around them so that they can't infiltrate our music. No, but Eric is 100% right. Like, you might as well have made a Rico Suave fucking reference at this point. Oh, totally, which you could have done here, because in this montage, he's totally taking his sexy shower. This is the most disgusting shot in the movie. He's bathing in the little swamp, and it's mud that just looks like diarrhea,

and he makes it fall out of, like, a fucking makeshift showerhead, and it goes into his mouth, and it just looks like the main character of this children's film is chugging his own shit. But he spits it out. Who even drinks shower water? Like, you know what I mean? You're not in the shower.

Yeah. It's gross. Maybe you don't. Listen, listen, it's okay to drink shower. Somebody started drinking shower water. Yeah, it's just really fucking gross, man. Everything about this montage is gross. And correct me if I'm wrong, we thankfully avoid ogre butt cheek or do we get it?

You get like the coin slot a little bit? Oh, they're just teasing you. Oh, here's my coins. Oops. Keep it in the shot. I could have used some side cards. Oh, man, some Richard Harris sidecock. Dude, just go to a torrent website, and that's a fucking ad on the side of the page.

With Shrek? If you want to see cartoons, fuck, here's Shrek and Lois Griffin. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm an artist on the internet. Sure are, buddy. Deviant artists. Well, they do, there's a direct reference to shitting in when they cut to the shot of the law. The outhouse?

No, no, no, no. there's another one when he's at the other side of the log and it's just a cut to a log and shit is being pushed out and for a moment you're like, what's going on here? Oh, right, when he's pushing out the slugs and he eats it. That's another thing. He's seen like

in the swamp water and he's like farting and making like a jacuzzi. We fart before credits end. Absolutely. We were farting before the credits end. Toxic farts. Because a fish comes up dead. Like a fish goes belly up in his bag because he fucking farted and then he goes, oh great. And picks it

if it eats it. He eats something that he murdered with his asshole. This movie's fucking disgusting. Well, he seasoned it, so he has to eat it. It's the circle of life. And this movie looks like trash. You kind of wish like a stylist was behind any of this. It doesn't have

a style. Like a hairdresser? No, just somebody that knows how to compose something. Texture. There's no texture to anything. It honestly looked better than I remembered. It looked better than I thought it was going to for a movie that's now 17 years old. Sure. But, like, the parts, you can tell the parts that they put more effort in.

Like, Shrek and donkey look good. Yes. All the human beings just look like bad sims. They look like, Fiona looks like a sim. Like a total fucking sim. Some of the close-ups of Fart Wad were decent. Fart Wad, man. Because he's cartoony at least.

They at least take a direction with him. For like eerie legs. The most haunting part of this film are John Lithgow's legs. Because they're little? Prograsso soup! no john this is shrag you're playing lord farquod excellent get out of here shrek don't you don't you want to hear shrek yeah he should have shooed this beast away in one scene that would be awesome hey shrek how about having some stewed chicken in your swamp from progressor soup

i think that man did like one progressive show commercial that guy is living off progressive and that's just bog water I don't mind Progresso suit. I'd rather drink a swamp. Wow, really? Yeah. Look at fucking boogey Steve Zanak over here and his fucking $5 a can soup. Oh, he's a chunky man if I ever heard of one.

Yeah, sorry, Steve. We all can't afford to eat exclusively chunky soup. It's for football players and me. It's like a meal and a can. So he gets seized by all these guys,

eyes that are like knights or whatever and there's some weird roundup taking place right here it's an ethnic cleansing it is dude this forest is getting cleansed of all its fairy tale creatures

degenerates well that's the weird thing it comes to nothing it stops in the middle of the movie and they never come back until the fucking dance at the end they turn his swamp his beloved swamp into a refugee camp

absolutely right without you know he's like I didn't give you permission to do this and it's like dude they don't need man. But it turns- This is the This is how it begins, you're full of,

your swamp is now full of every kind of magical creature in the book, right? There's tons of friggin wizards in this group. A lot of gnomes, the seven dwarves.

That's your fucking army, man. Overthrow the government. Shrek doesn't work well with people though. They got powers. Then you take the one guy who's got no powers

on your quest. Fartwad, like eminent domain to all this shit. Like that was his plan. And I'm like, no, he's like a Brooklyn slum lord. No, this looks like Ben Kingsley and Schindler's list.

This isn't like imagery for when you're getting kicked off your land. No, yeah, these people are like, they have to get registered, then they got carted away. It's a little too holocausty for my tour. We're sleeping in tents. There's a couple wizards that are working with them. And they make this like, it's a cheap, it's cheap heat. Like putting like the little bear cub is like wailing for its mother to get a cheap emotional reaction. And it's the only one that's in color for this scene.

That bear whining, though, that's just. used as a joke because the bear says oh this cage is too small and you're like fucking get it the three bears do you get it? Goldilocks and three bears. What I, what bugs me about the fairy tale characters aside from them they come to nothing and there's a lot of this

heavy imagery for no good reason is they call themselves fairy tale creatures which bugs me to know it. They should just be called magical creatures or like you know what's wrong I'm saying fairy tale because you're already in a fucking fairy tale. You don't say that as hell. It's your life.

exactly like are there fairy tales like is it like that in Logan where we're reading fairy tales at the same time we're exactly dude you're missing it this movie is so meta we're living in a world where like yeah that exists but you don't know the whole story it's the real story rumble still skins in a fucking cart like yeah these are bullshit dude isn't he in the fourth movie

rumble still I think so I stopped after two I think that creep out of my movies that guy was up to no good oh yeah rubble still skin yeah he's definitely in the third or fourth turned hair into gold or something Yeah, and he wanted to fuck that girl, man. Oh, he's his voice by Steve Bouchemmy? Hey, man, you're going to use that girl or what? You can guess my name, dude.

Are you going to use that girl or what? That's what his whole thing is. Yeah, he's like, I'll help you. You get you some gold, man. He's got to marry me, dude. Bruce Glover should have been in more movies. He should have. Absolutely.

Especially a monster movie. We're introduced to the donkey here. The donkey is talking. He's a talking donkey, a voice by Eddie Murphy. Who I will state up front, I think, does a good job. Yes. He's having a lot of fun. And it's actually good.

It had been a long time for Eddie Merritt. Well, actually not that long because those clump movies were huge. Yeah. He was at top of the world. I like Pluto Nash. Both of those, the Nutty Professor and the meat of Clutton Nash. You like? No, I've never seen Pluto Nash.

I'm talking about the clumps, motherfucker. The first night professor I still genuinely like. I don't know about that second one. When was the last time you saw those movies? The first one I saw relatively recent. You ought to don't want to fucking fart jokes. That's all that movie is. Oh, absolutely.

Because you know what? That's what fat people do. Hey, man, I was laughing. Well, it's kind of hard not to laugh at a really good cut-knit joke. That's the thing. It's good fart jokes. Oh, okay. These are just like fucking duds.

Like, there's no good little squeakers. There's no character, no wetness to them. Wetness. Yeah, I really want a full-figured fart joke. Wetness. What about are you talking about? Terry Ballet. he's got a surf shop

and he got he had sex well I'm sure he was wet in some parts We had three jokes away from him owning this podcast Oh fuck That's right yeah I'm a hey brother I'm incredibly litigious sorry Hey brother welcome to we hate movies We're gonna start with all

Stone Colds movies And every wrestler that's not me's movies Yeah, Dwayne Johnson, more like The Rock, more like every single episode. Okay. Stay tuned to We Hate the Rock. Only love, brother. Only love, H-H. Sign off all my tweets so you know it was Terry making them.

Terry's a Vin Diesel man, if you know what I mean. This is fair use. We're reviewing a sex tape today. It's called Shrek. Oh, man. He looked like Shrek. that guy over there having sex of the lady

he looked like Shrek and Marge Simpson you'll never believe it but guess what I'm an artist I don't think anyone who does that considers themselves an artist

yes they do dude why would she I don't know I don't like Marge hooking up because the internet is international waters for animation

how would they even meet man bend over and I'll show you that's a thing Fox and Disney don't own you know the imagination of perverts. But apparently they own... You can cross over whatever.

Well, they own Robin Hood, the three blind mice, the seven dwarves, sleeping... Sleeping bloody, beauty... Beauty. Sleeping Bluto? Bluto, fucking Popeye should be in this. Oh, he should. There's so many crossovers.

This is the ready player one for fairy tent. It is. It totally is, actually. And it just kind of... But, and you know, the... the donkey is there he he gets some fairy dust and you know like does a gag about him

Tinkerbell gets like drop kicked you notice that she's like dead she's in a cage like she's in like a bug zapper and someone like drop kicks her and she gets like fairy dust all over the donkey and he starts flying away yeah and he starts flying and then like angel dust

sorry there's one thing that I had a question about in this scene because donkey is like owned by this old woman yeah and she's trying to sell him you know sell them off to these guards saying like oh it's a talking donkey and he doesn't say anything and whatnot and then these guards are like this old woman is lying to us take her away are they going to shoot that woman in the head oh absolutely this is what we're talking no they're going to tire her to a tree and it's cold out and they're going to fucking put a fire a fire hose on

her so she freezes to death no guns and fire hose it didn't exist yet oh that's a good it would be like an axe or something right maybe an arrow oh stocks oh the stocks, that's what I'd like to see. Oh, no, no, no, you know what they used to do? I love this. We should do this more often. They'd put them in a cage and just hang them up and let him starve and... Oh, like Martin Prince in that one Simpsons episode where Flanders is the principal? And also with David Blaine or whatever. Just put him in a box and let him starve and the buzzards go to him.

Oh, was 2001 was Shrek part of the Pussy Posse with David Blaine? Oh, yeah, that could... Hey, Leo, are we going out tonight? Late arrival, man. Yeah, you've got... magician. You've got Kevin what's his face from? Connolly. You've got Kevin Connolly.

What I get Shrek? Where are we going? No, the beach was great. The beach was great, brother. We're going to Guadis Palthro's birthday party. There might be some new listeners today because we're talking about Shrek and that was this gaggle of guys that would go

out and commit sex crimes in Hollywood. Yes, I think so. They just went out for nights on the town, man. There's no substantiated sex crime. you can't just be going around saying people committed sex crimes well potentially man hey toby you've got anything i'm dry man i'm real fucking dry dude all the side that girl's still in my apartment i don't know how to get it out i think she lives there oh wait no is it a dead girl no no i think she's just

oh because if she was dead shrek could just eat her oh right that's why he was part of the posse oh he was the cleanup crew well well the cleaner well i could do whatever i wanted the body before i get rid of it well well shrek i don't think you should have tried to make make her eat your shit uh i think that was what i'm into i do it all the time i'm a fucking star leo don't worry about it we're all stars where did you find all these slugs and maggots that you shoved in her mouth they came out of my buddy by the way leo the beach is green just saw the beach bro great one decaprio like calls up shrek at three o'clock in the morning he's like yeah shrek yeah yeah it happened again get down here hope you're hungry

i don't know man uh so the donkey escapes uh shrek he like these these agents of the devil or whatever give chase lord farquan knight knight sure whatever they give chase he runs into shrek in the middle of the woods who's putting up a like caution me sign he's putting up all these like watch out for ogre signs to get people to go away from his bog and whatnot. It's kind of like those, like, a gun owner on premises, like those signs? Yeah, watch your step. Gun owner lives here. Do not tread on me. I got the sign. I'm an ogre, motherfucker. That's what a do not tread on me, uh, flag. That's what it says. I look at that. It's just like, I'm an ogre. Oh, that guy in that house? He looked like

Shrek. Yeah, exactly. The dog is nice. The owner is a monster. It's an American flag, black and white, but there's a blue stripe on it. I'm an ogre. So donkey convinces Shrek, sort of begrudgingly Shrek, I guess, agrees to, like, let him come stay at his house and whatnot. And Shrek's doing the, like, kind of like Wilford Brimley in that fucking Ewalk. Yeah, a little bit. You got to stay outside, don't get. What's a fucking donkey, man?

You're a wharf shitting all over your chair. It's a dog. That's what he acts and does. Like, that's the... Hold on a second. The relationship. Dog's talking to you, dude? Oh, shit.

Holy fuck, man. Cabin, are you applying to work at the post office? I can't wait for the summer to come, man. Wait a second. Chris Cabin now lives in the Bronx. Oh, my gosh. Oh, shit. This is like a fucking directed DVD horror movie if I've ever heard one.

We could make that. Possessed by Berkowitz. Get Spike Lee to do it again. Yeah. Get it right this time. That movie is totally fine. That postal worker, he looked like Shrek.

He don't Berkowitz definitely looked like Shrek. He looked like Shrek. Oh, man. Dama, he looked like fox and hound. So he finds his

house is rotten with fairy tale creatures. There's one thing, I gotta mention all the moments in this movie that almost made me throw up. Okay, good.

And so he's doing, like, you have to stay outside or whatever, and he's kind of taunting him with like, oh, it's so great being in a house.

Yeah. And he makes himself dinner. Uh-huh. And he sits down at the table. And I guess like Shrek's a dude, even when he's eating alone he appreciates ambiance and he fucking digs

into his little Shrek ear and pulls out like a full size thing of wax and lumps it down like as a candle and lights it on fire almost threw up that's when I was this dinner scene because he's got like a pumpkin and he's got all these bugs all over and I was like what if this movie

was made by Tim Burton you know what I mean like or Henry Seleck or somebody that like has a style for actually Henry Seleck. He's the actual guy that directed Nightmare before Christmas. Coraline. James and the Giant Peach was so not Tom's brother not yeah, oh yeah

okay. Not Tom Seleck. Oh my God, if Tom's Delic and Henry Seligran brothers. I don't think you spell it the same. How about this dark, twisted reboot of Magnum P.I. It's probably going to have, I think it is happening. Oh shit like Riverdale?

It's a T, yeah, it's like there's a new TV at Magnum P.I. Come out. No. Yes, there is. What? Yeah, there is. 100%. Really? And it's a dark and twisted? It probably would have to be. Who's playing Higgins? I don't know. A stop motion episode of Blue Bloods directed by Henry Selle.

Yeah, dude. Could I just say, I know the casting directors for this new Magnum P.I. are out there right now playing Higgins. How about looking at Horatio Sanzas Higgins? Oh, I like that. I could do that, right? Just to get you started. Right?

Or you could do, what were in his movies? Like a, like, what was that guy, a bag of flower or whatever? Oh, boogie-bugy man. He's a bunch of bugs. about the oogie boogie man get them in there somewhere yeah totally but i mean like those things had like shape to them like you know what i mean and they're meticulously created because that was a physical thing right those were like stop motion and this is just like a fucking flash animation even renn and stimpie like the the gross shit always had character like yes this is just like literally just slop

yeah like at least ran in the stimpies pile of earwax would sing me a song or some shit there's just so much there's just so much brown and green and earth tones that I could barely see what's even happening. That's what the Middle Ages were, man. Yeah, but you could brighten that shit up a little bit. There's a big gray castle. But also in the Middle Ages, if you had a fucking, a jar full of eyeballs, it would be full of blood and guts and shit too,

and you would see Shrek, like, cracking a skull open and getting a fucking eyeball. This should be just like hard to be a god. Yes, yes, 100%. Yes. and talk about eating shit, dude. Get your main back from the dead. Resurrection and get them to do a remake of Shrek. Definitely.

So all these fairy tale characters, I think, first, well, who do we see first here? The three blind mice sort of ruin his dinner. And then the seven dwarfs throw in a snow white onto the table, to which Shrek responds, get that dead broad off the table. That's kind of a funny joke. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

Well, I give up points for being a joke. Yeah, that's true No one was just eating feces Yeah No one farted Hey Leo I farted again That he was hilarious

Why did I give Shrek my number The posse was filled Well that's another dead cat for me Hey Leo It's Kevin Conley Are you trying to replace me with Shrek Like I know My God

What did he bring to the table I think he brought the dead girls Dude to the table So yeah Then there's The wolf The Big Bad Wolf is in his bed Which I believe that was a trailer

There's so many trailer moments In this actual movie There must have been like Four different trailers Six different TV spots Oh well the donkey And like Eddie Murphy's donkey character Is like this lonely donkey

Who's super excited to have anyone to talk to And have a friend And he's so excited When he's sleeping over Trek's out He's like Oh we're gonna do this We're gonna do that And in the morning I'm making waffles

And that I'm making waffles was the biggest fucking line of 2001. Is that right? I don't know. Is this your school? Yeah, maybe. Were people yelling, I'm making waffles in the hallway?

I think in the theater, I do remember people like almost clapping at that. Just like, yeah, like collapsing. Like this was the beyond end all, man. This was the state of comedy in 2001. It's just so weird because one, that donkey can't make waffles. That's a good point.

First, were waffles invented yet? Was there a portal from Beastmaster 2 that brought waffles and all these popular music? I mean, show me Shrek's fucking, you know, waffle iron man. That's a great question. Because otherwise you're just like putting dough together and like, you know, roasting it or whatever. Yeah, and that my friend, that is a pancake. Exactly. I think the joke would have been better if I'm making pancakes.

At least I can see that. I agree because the technology at the time, you could conceivably make a pancake. Right? Eggs. Yeah. That's in there. right? Yeah, this is amazing. Flower?

Flower, sure. I think so. There's a cake at some point. You're going to whisk that up, Chris, or? I don't think you have to. We're hungry here, Chris. So he goes outside and all of the fairy tale creatures

who are self-identified fairy tale creatures are in his yard there and he's like, oh, get on out of here, you dumb old fairy tale creatures. What is this special class of person that's a fairly, A, what is this order that Farquad made

like no fairy tale creatures? can, you know, be around. Right. Well, I think it's a thing where it's like if if there was a story written about you. Yeah. Or if you have like powers of some kind. I see. You know, like that's it. Like you're a fairy tale creature. You know what I mean?

Like Pinocchio? There's a tale about that guy. Later he's trying to get with princesses and like some of those, Cinderella Sleeping Beauty isn't, aren't those then classified as fairy tale creature? That's a good question. Yeah, he's breaking his own rules here. Farquod is.

So Shrek makes a deal Like look I want you out of here I'm gonna go fight for your rights at Farquod And everyone like is applauding him Because he's like a reluctant hero But like it's a joke because he literally just wants them out of his swamp Right And his swamp has been

Basically relocation to the fucking goddamn concentration camp For really no reason For no reason I mean I don't know what Farquad's motivations here Other than he just wants his little kingdom To look like a bunch of sims A bunch of white sims by the way yes there's not a not a black person in this movie which doesn't make sense because it's a fake land anyway like make black people in the world like you you don't just get off because eddie murphy's in your movie yeah but here's my question so you're gonna say that a movie like shrek would put in like black characters maybe some Asian characters some Latin characters right if that happened right there's an alternate timeline in the swamp with them guaranteed it's a thing where there's stereotypes all over the place oh that's true because of

it's that kind of writing. Well, it's also 2001. You can get away with anything. Yeah. So it may be it's better off in this case. That's fair. You were lucky if you're a sim. And where are the guards? What's keeping these fairy tale pictures there? Oh, in this, in this. Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, they're probably perched outside of the property. Ray Fines is in a sniper tower just waiting for someone to slip up. That movie is fucking dull as balls, dude. Oh, that's Joseph Fine. Oh, oh.

Oh, we're mixing yikes, man. We're mixing up sniper rolls. You're talking about Enemy at the game, which is a dull-ass sniper movie where Joseph Fine is upshooting at people, by the way. They made an animated version of that kind of sort of

that like... Schindler's List? And now, back to Schindler's List on Fox Saturday afternoon cartoon. I couldn't believe the love triangle in Schindler's List. There's a love triangle and enemy at the gates, isn't there? Yeah, they're both in love with the same girl.

No, it's like that there's a couple of birds that are in the World War II for some reason. Angry birds. Right. Oh, I think, oh, God. Is it called Valiant? I think it's called Valiant. Oh, yes, it's just the pigeon movie. Yeah, I think that's.

They're in World War II? Yes. Yeah, they are. What the fuck? They're like messenger pigeons or some shit. For what side? I think for both, actually. Imperial Japan.

No, aren't they like, they're like English. Oh, they're in the U. Because it's got to be a Nazi bird in there somewhere. Bullshit if there's no Nazi bird. There's probably a goose stepping joke I'd wager. I would, sure. Maybe a German accent. What about the Irish, man?

They didn't take sides. No, well, I think it's like whoever is cast, they're doing an English accent. I think isn't you and McGregor one of them? Yes, I think he is. I think Ricky Jervase might be in that movie. Oh, yeah, that guy sucks. Yeah, he does. He fucking stinks.

So, uh, Shrek goes to Farquads. A donkey follows him. We get a Disneyland joke. because this whole castle kind of looks like Disneyland. Yes, there's a parking lot joke. And it's just you're in Lance a lot, which is like the gag. Yeah. But that's not a fairy tale.

That's King Arthur is not a fairy tale. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes, it is. Yeah, but it's not a fairy tale. Yes, it is. But not like grim. Fucking King Arthur's a fairy tale. Fucking Jesus Christ's a fairy tale.

Throw them all in there. Yeah, I mean, yeah, in your cool liberal bubble. But. I'm just saying they probably didn't exist. But, yeah, I know they didn't exist. Worse than that is that they make a compensating joke? Who is this for? Yes, they say.

It's for the miserable father who had to take their kid to see a movie called Shabreck. No, it's not that, dude. It's just enough to keep the man still sitting in the seat. It's kind of like, you know what I mean? Right, because then, see, the guy who owns the castle has a small, penis because the castle is rather large. Yes, yes it is. And doesn't, like

Mike Myers just says like, oh, hey, think he's compensating for something and the fucking cartoon donkey looks at him like, motherfucker this is for kids. Like the donkey, like specifically doesn't say anything but like they animated so that he looks at him like, dude, fuck you.

Please. Dude who's out the theater right now, fuck you, Shrek. Actually in this part, there's like one frame. of a penis. Oh, right. He was quickly spliced in. Oh, right, of course.

It was 2001, man. Also, Donkey, a big fan of Willie Nelson, apparently. Donkey loves the red-headed stranger. Why? Because when they're fucking walking to this castle, man, right before they get the Lance a lot, he's singing fucking on the road again. Jesus. What the fuck is that? You want to play

Smash mouth as someone comes out of a toilet, fine. But this dude is... That's an appropriate time to play Smashdown. This dude is fucking actually singing Willie Nelson. Can you go to a never, never land FYE and fucking buy a Willie Nelson album? I guess.

You need a Beast Master 2 Time Tunnel. Yeah. That's how you're making waffles. That's how you listen to William Nelson. Exactly. That's what you... Mushmouth. The band Mushmouth. The band Mushmouth. Smearsmith.

We're actually a smash mouth cover band, Mushmouth. So Farquat at this point, played by John Lithgow is a very short person. We're introduced to him being, he's torturing the gingerbread man. That's a scene that people loved. Now, is that a real fairy tale thing?

The gingerbread man, yeah. I think there's like a Christmas guy or something. What is a Christmas guy? I don't know much from anything. Dude, that would have been great if this started with Farquod fucking putting Santa's head in a guillotine. That's all for you, Claus. All right, round up the gingerbread man.

Round up. and Jesus Christ I'll crucify him or throw progressive soup cans on his head what do you want us to do with the Easter bunny roast him

oh yeah rabbits dude that's delicious so he is he gets a he's torturing the gingerbread man this scene's actually pretty funny I think I actually think that like John Lithgow is pretty funny in this

he's okay here and the dude who's voicing the gingerbread man is making him like a Mr. Bill type voice, which is pretty funny. Dude, that guy had a suit. That guy, whoever made Mr. Bill had a lawsuit against Strait. Oh, I'm sure. Also, because not just the voice acting, though, like the way the gingerbread man is drawn and

it's just the circular red mouth. Holy shit. Oh, no, it's happening to me. It's like, I fucking saw that in the 90s, my friend. We called it Mr. Bill. By the way, the 90s were what, like 2, 300 days ago? Yeah, that's a really good

So he gets the mirror, the magic mirror itself. And he's like, you know, is my kingdom the fairest of them all? Have I gene cleansed it enough for it to be the fairest kingdom of it all? Hey, mirror, was my genocide successful? Oh, no, they're playing heavy metal music outside my castle. Oh, I couldn't find this in IMDB. It's not listed at all. don't you think that the person doing the mirror

sounds like Ryan Seacrest? Oh, maybe. A little bit, yeah. But it was like, we were kind of like just before Ryan Sech like a scoge. Yeah. But I couldn't figure out who's doing the voice. It's not listed on an IMDB. Probably just some dude. A 2001 Ryan Seacrest is a Carson Daly.

Call that a Carson Daily. But it probably sounds like that because they're doing the game show thing of like they immediately go into like the newlywed game. For the 65. You've you rolled in attendance? I don't get this. As if the whole like...

Yep! Yeah, the whole like dating game joke was like a joke that like transcends generation. Well, that's the thing. It does because singled out was not long before this. That's true. Oh, that's actually true. I read it.

Well, so the... Different format, I understand. The plot device is he's not a king because he doesn't have a queen yet and he has to marry a princess to become a king. Right. So he's like, oh, show me a bunch of princesses. And the weird thing is, um, eligible bachelor's.

This one likes sushi and hot tubbing. Her name is Cinderella with fucking sushi and hot tubbing. This is just, I just fucking, I feel a white, hot anger building side of like my internal body. I think my soul. I think I actually feel my soul when I watch this movie. All of the good reviews of this movie of the time are like, this movie is so irreverent.

Oh, it is a breath of fresh air. Could you, I mean, and this is the fucking Rosetta Stone of all that. shit we have to deal with now in the animated movies. Yeah, it's all like, Patient Zero. This is Patient Zero. Nothing but bland, nothing pop culture jokes. Bad songs from 10 years ago, fucking Maddochastcaro.

I'm looking at you. Never age well. They actually, they invented the fucking best animated feature category in the Oscars to give it to this movie. This movie was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. Are you kidding me? Oh, God. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

2001 was the first time there was best animated feature? That's right. And Monsters Inc. was robbed. It was robbed. It was a much better movie. Fuck, yeah, it is. That movie is actually funny within the world of itself. It's not like, oh, yeah. It's not like John Goodman making

fucking, I don't even know whatever joke, Jack Nicholson jokes or whatever nonsense we have to do in Shrek. There's actual world building, logical world building in that this, it's just like, whatever, man, fuck it. Well, I think that so many people were excited about this because he was taking the piss out of Disney,

It's like whatever. Hey, guess what? We all love that. But at the same time, like, it's not a movie. That doesn't make it a movie. But it's just like your movie is the same exact thing, except you're making like skid marks jokes. Yeah, yeah. That's not taking anything down. So we see Cinderella, we see Snow White, and then we finally see Princess Fiona, who we were told is. Can I stop for the snow, the fucking sleeping snow white thing? Oh, what's that? My fuck, it had to happen, didn't it? Necrophilia joke?

can happen. She lives with seven guys, but she's not easy. Oh, yeah, totally. Get it everybody? They're not running a train on her. Oh, come on. Really? No, that's the joke.

It is the joke. But again, that whole thing of like, who is this for? Now you're just like, oh, a dude that would appreciate a gang bang joke, I guess is the idea. Hey, man, a one for Shrek, please. I heard there's a really solid gang bang joke in this. You let long jackets in here, right? I'm a cultural critic for a gang bang monthly. I'm just, you know, I heard that my, my culture was being represented in film and I'd love to...

Just once a month? Glenn Kenny from the girlfriend experience shows up. Oh, man. Yep. Can I buy three seats, one for myself and two, just to be empty next to me? I'd like the idea that it's like an airplane. I know, no, the court decided I need to be at least. two seats from a child at all times.

Which is yeah, it's bullshit, we'll fight that. We'll win that. We'll win that one. Don't worry about it. Yeah, one for Shrek, though. Definitely just one for Shrek. So there's like this whole thing where they get to Dulac, I believe, is the name of the town, something like that.

DuLock, I think. That's it. And Lithgow is in the process of making this big decree from the balcony. And like, Shrek is so clueless. He just walks in here. Well, because he's going to task not. to free Fiona who from a castle that's predicted by a dragon that's all we kind of know about her right now

she's like the other princesses like oh that that'll be my bride progress oh shoot and there's a whole sequence I guess I guess it must be before he takes the assignment yeah or something where like the guards are like oh it's an ogre let's get him and Shrek this is the most offensive

part of this movie Shrek has seen like breaking open all these massive casks of beer and just wasting it oh yeah fuck you Shrek before that one of two times a really bad joke is made they open a stall like what it's like a welcome to the town yeah yeah yeah yeah and they sing and they one line goes shine your shoes wipe your blank oh right

it's face and it's supposed to be ass right because they all like bend over to get ready it's like a little it looks like a cuckoo clock kind of a thing like you finish it yourself in your head yeah you're putting ass into my head right yeah yeah dude and they're bending over to show you their wooden asses exactly yeah the movie was good but uh you know you gotta finish the things for yourself you know i like more overt my culture of gangbangs are being represented i would like to i'm gonna go home and watch uh lowest griffin and check get it on well you know what when the dvd comes out we're gonna have ourselves a super cut made of the good scenes Oh, God. Hey, can I sneak in Hardee's? Oh, wait. No, I shouldn't tell you I'm sneaking in food.

Shit. All right. No, no, I don't mean the food. I mean my erection. Oh, man. I just normally smell like roast beef. Never mind about that. Okay, I'm sneaking in both.

We've got a bag of Hardee's and a bag of Hardy's is what I describe my trousers. This is also when the movie totally, totally, totally stops dead. So we can have like a two to three minute professional wrestling. joke. It was huge at the time. Yes. It was. We were in the middle of the attitude era. We were. We were knee deep in the attitude era. It was the end of professional wrestling basically. Because as far as I was concerned. And someone's yelling out, oh yeah, hit him with a chair, which is, you know, like the attitude. It's exactly right. And it's like, why is there, well, I'm sorry, but why is there a wrestling ring in the middle of this fucking castle?

Exactly. And hit him with a chair, man. Chairs took forever to make back then. I don't think so. Yeah. I do not think so. There's some, like, caner who's just looking like, Oh, all that work I put into that seat bottom. My tools are not weapons. I didn't make a weapon. I made that for sitting. No!

For I've become death, destroyer of seats. It's that Lord of War movie, but it's Lord of Chairs. Oh, yeah, dude, he's like fucking going to the Shrek Soviet Union. The former Shrek Soviet republics to, like, a bunch of wooden chairs to like sell off to warlords. But then Jared Leto just gets too much Shrek cocaine and just blows the whole thing.

That'd be great and the poster is just Shrek's face but it's like made out of bullets. And then Jared Letto gets shot with a bunch of stools. So he beats them all up and he hears it from the crowd speaking of wrestling. Yeah, he does. Oh yeah. Oh, congratulations. Thanks so much. Try the veal.

Yep. That was next on my fucking complaint department memo do not give me a try the deal joke not no no who is that one for because that's the thing when you see that come up in like a lunitunes cartoon like even a lunatunes cartoon from like the fucking 50s yeah like who was it for then it's just it's one of the dumbest hackiest fucking cat skill comedian jokes of all time try the veal or oh uh tip your waitresses i'll be here all i think shrek says something about i'll be here till thursday jubes fucking show what doing what wrestling you can't just leap from one fucking joke to another what are you doing there in this time cobbling like what are you talking about stand-up comedy

didn't exist so um uh lithgow gets you know gets the ideas like oh shrek all said you know they get to talking basically shrek's like i want all these fucking i want i want this concentration camp moved please yeah totally and that's what's interesting right he's not opposed to these people being round up and put somewhere. He just doesn't want it to happen on his property. That's the American way, man. The American way for this Scottish evil happens.

Evil happens when good Shrecks do nothing. No, the arrangement they come to is like, all right, I will move this thing if you go and save this princess and bring her back here. Right, you'll be my champion. You go and slay the drag. Slay it. Slay it, dude. So now we're going to spend a lot

a time in poorly drawn forest. We see so many gross looking sunflowers. Man, do they look like shit. Yeah, they're all rotting. I thought something was wrong with the foliage in this movie or all the plant life. I just want to like click on them and like make them do something with my mouse. Yeah.

And why bother with the rain? You know it's a challenge to do water. Yeah. Why bother with the rain? It looks like absolute trash. Because listen, we needed a bunch of fall starts before we could get to where we are today. So like you just... Wait, what? You just had to have shitty rainwater effects before you could have good rainwater.

That's what Disney Excel channel is for, whatever the fuck, you know. What? Or XD. X-D, sorry. Oh, yeah, dude, X-D. I don't think that existed at the time. It did not. But there must have been some, do it on television.

There was a Disney channel. There you go. Would that work? Yes. Thank you, Eric. That solves all my problems. Would that work for the purposes of this conversation? It's a Nickelodeon.

I don't know. There's a lot of more fart jokes. Eddie Murphy is trying his best to keep this movie entertaining. Yeah, we're getting a lot of, like, backstory and whatnot. We also get one of the fucking just dumbest things. It's sort of like from afar. They're camping. There's like a little fire going.

The sunrises. Shrek's trying to like put out the fire. He burns his foot. And then the donkey facing the camera raises his leg up and urinates all over. Oh, yeah. I was expecting. some fucking, like, little blurred pixels to come up. Whoa, donkey piss. That's another star. All right.

I just to write some reviews. I'm going to have to have, like, 3,000 words on this movie. But donkey must have a shape of water penis, if this true. Because it's not there. Otherwise. Yeah, no, it goes up inside him. Right. And then it, like, it spreads out like a vagina. Yes. And then the dick comes out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it goes into the, I almost said victim, but person. or donkey hopefully that doesn't happen are you kidding donkeys fuck donkeys I hear not in these movies yeah that's true donkeys fuck dragons and people

yes that's it I'm here to do two things fuck dragons and fuck people yeah and I'm all out of people yeah so we kind of get to the castle here well this screenplay

I'm sorry but this screenplay it's like beat for beat disgusting because it's like this donkey uses his huge donkey dick to piss out his fire and then seconds later like no more than a minute he's complaining to shrek about how he's tired of walking behind him because shrek just fucking farted in his mouth yeah in his mouth you farted in my mouth as a complaint in this movie he's got shit play a nod to the tijuana fans it's got

everything like little sally in the in the motion picture theater itself is like daddy i didn't know you could fart into people's mouths yeah enjoy that car ride oh oh daughter of mine only when it's donkeys. And then gang bang guys at the back, like, yeah, grow up. This is a breath of fresh air. I mean, I was hoping for, I was like, maybe there'll be a cloud shaped like

a dick. Wake up, babies. It's all over it. It's all dicks and asses and farts and fucking filth sex. I've been collecting that little mermaid box with the dick on it. I got like a bunch of them in my house. Dude, speaking of a shape of water, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking a fish, right? Yeah. She's a fish lady. She does have a fish bottom. She loses it at the time of the intercourse. Fish bottom girls. They make the rock and sea go round.

See, now you do a pirate movie about fucking fish. Oh, I'm sure that exists. Because all these movies are so irreverent now. It's like, oh, we fucked a fish. How irreverent is that? Oh, here's a Ghostbuster reference. By the way, someone's fucking a fish pie. But then when things get too horny, though, you dial it back with a classic babe reference.

Oh, right. Because he's like, that old dude, donkey. Just move on. We get to this castle. It's a lava is everywhere. It's a spooky castle. It's like a bowser level. Yeah.

It looks like grabbage. It looks like pure trash. Grabbage. Is that a fairytale creature? No, no, no. Wait a second. I was under the impression that when grabbage is when. Steve walks by a pile of garbage

on the sidewalk, and it's a bunch of old comic books, and he goes, grabbage, and takes it all home. Also, for that joke, replaced comic books with VHS tapes that are unlabeled. Same exact thing. I thought it was just when Steve groped garbage for sexual pleasure. Oh, he got some sweet

grabbid. That does happen. Let's not kink shame. No, no, no. I apologize. If you like anything we're talking about on this episode, go wild. Fish, donkeys, pit, whatever, man. Consenting adults. Whatever. There you go. There you go.

If you like Lois Griffin getting it. Well, I don't know. If you're that guy, I don't want to kingshame the guy that jerks off to Lois Griffin. Oh, boy. I can't believe. Loose Griffin with all the avatars, go wild. Take that quagmire. I can't believe the first time I have to write into your podcast is to ask you to stop making fun of us garbage grabbers out there.

I'd watch that documentary. Oh, yeah. You listen to that English TV? Trash Humpers was our swan song, brother. This is Byron. He lives in needs. He grabs garbage for sexual pleasure. It's just some kidding.

With his 85-year-old lover. Oh, shit, age-gap lover, grabbers crossover. Oh, my Grotty Shagger. That Grady Shagga's grabbing some garbage. So there's a dragon. Yeah. Oh, sure, sure. This dragon, by the way, looks terrible.

Everything looks like garbage. But this more so than other things. It was some real grabbage. Yes, Shrek and Donkey are like the good idea here in this haunted castle would be split up. We'll do that. Donkey encounters this dragon. It looks bad. I feel like there were characters that got more attention than others.

Let's just put that way. And this thing just comes in looking straight out of Nintendo 64. Is this when they stop the movie dead for no reason and then make it another movie? Oh, no, that's those Hobbit movies. when you see the fucking dragon and it's like, I'll see you next time movie. And the credits happen. Why are there three of these?

I saw the first one and I was like, yeah, I'm good. I still have never gone back. One and two and I never saw that. What was the figure that they gave for this Amazon show, $600 million? Some crazy number like that. To make this. This Tolkien TV show.

The prequel series, yeah. I got to say, if anyone from Amazon is listening today, if you need a couple Shrex in there, Listen, we look like Shrek. He looked like Shrek. He looked like Shrek. So please, I could use the chedder. So they split up. Donkey encounters the dragon.

And yeah, the dragon looks like pure trash. And it's, I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't think I've encountered all cinematic dragons. But as far as I know, my experience of watching movies, this is indeed the horniest dragon. Yes. Yeah, it's a pretty boring. First one with lipstick, too.

Yeah, that I'm pretty much. sure yeah it's kind of looks like burdo it looks like oh bow yeah it's too bad that dragon heart never fucked oh yeah that you know why because here's the last one all right give me a donkey to fuck oh yeah dude fuck yeah dennis quade find me a donkey i'll fuck a donkey why not oh mercy so yeah so donkey is like getting the moves put on him by this horny dragon. You remember a dragon heart when they turn into stars

at the end, right? Oh yeah, well that's what happens to a dragon, dude, that's lore. Does that happen to donkeys? What if they have enough dragon jizz in them? Does that count for anything? I don't know, man.

It's a donkey's purpose. He keeps reincarnating. So I'm going to stop. So the donkey and the dragon kind of have a will they won't and that kind of doesn't come to much in this movie. Like, he's disgusted and scared by her.

He even says like, he makes a joke this is unwanted physical contact. I'm like, that's not really a good joke for this movie. It's kind of, yeah, right? Yeah, it's really weird. Dude, like 2001, it was open season on that shit. Exactly, you had the pussy posse out there doing, who knows?

I do want to ask, our Shrek expert, Chris Cabin. Oh, well, okay, yes, we should mention that Chris Cabin has been going fanatical. You saw this Shrek movie. He's like, I got to complete the series. He's got Shrek Manny. What are you up to now? I wasn't quite sure which one we should do. This was the obvious choice.

Sure. But I watched the two and three. So I do, what is your question? Do they fuck or what? Oh, big time. They have babies. Is the donkey like smoking a cigarette? Like, wow, that was some crazy sex.

No, they, like, because the second one is. It's a dragon hands in a towel. No, the second one, they told. down the fucking quite a lot oh good um they fought through a towel like orthodoxies like but a whole sheet all over the body oh yeah they keep burning that towel though but a stinger in shrek two is he's all donkey's all alone pussy and boots is making fun of them for being alone sure and then the dragon comes back with a litter of half dragon half donkey and it's like I mean, it's the brood.

I mean, it's as bad. It's just as bad. Anybody who argues is wrong. Well, is it a thing when you say half dragon, half donkey? Is it one of those like Lady and the Tramp things where half of them look like the father? Or are they like literally? No, no, they're melding.

They're like, they're like, little donkeys with wings. With dragon wings. Wait, I thought donkeys couldn't repred. Is that mules I'm thinking of? Probably because this donkey definitely fuck. And he is potent. He's potent enough to fucking and break in a dragon. This is kind of crazy.

honestly like I could go to jail for for making two different species sex sex right yes but then they do it in a kids movie oh they'll happily do it in it and they become like the cute characters in the third one in the fourth oh pivotal characters big big deal oh like the like the minions that's oh yeah I never saw those movies what are those guys but they definitely show their ass they're like little yellow guys that do things You know, the minions, yeah. I'll tell you what, little butt plugs with glasses.

They fuck, man? Yeah, probably. Well, they definitely have butts. Oh, they have some quite a lot of butt cheeks. I have little nephews. I've seen those movies a lot. Oh, you have?

Yeah. I haven't gone to the third one yet. We have a minion expert. I'm sorry. Stop the podcast. Steven Sadek, how much fucking is in those movies? No, not much.

I mean, they are like kind of sexually ambiguous, like whether or not they're timeless beings. First of all. Yes, they are. Yeah. Because that's... From time immemorial, that have been minions. It is I, Max von Seidel.

I don't think Max Von Seidel got a paycheck for the minions movie. But that Minions movie is very much like minions through the ages kind of a thing. No, are they like immortals or are they breeding? No, they're like, I think it might be a thing where they just kind of like split in half. Like a Gremlin's thing. Oh, like you internally fuck yourself. That's awesome. Asexuality reproduction maybe.

We're going to get there. We're going to get there. I'm getting there. Not us specifically, but humanity. I'm going to get there. We're going to evolve back to the amoeba. I will go on record as saying I liked that Minion's movie. What?

I thought it was kind of like a nice little offbeat comedy. I saw the first despicable me movie and thought it was kind of like whatever. Well, I'll give that. The minions are like the Looney Tune cartoon. That's what it is. It's a feature-length Looney Tunes movie, more or less. That's why they're the best parts of. the Despicable Me movies is because they are essentially Looney Tunes.

Yeah, so I don't think that movie's like groundbreaking, but as far as like in the universe, but you just said it was under the bus films you've ever seen. But Shrek was groundbreaking. It was because not only for the animation, because this was like. But because I'm so heavy. But also that, but also did like crazy business, I think, like even more than, I think this was the big one. I do crazy business, donkey. So the donkey is going to have sex as a dragon.

Yes. Shrek runs into Fiona. Fiona. Shrek puts on a helmet to cover himself. Whole suit of armor he does. Because he's like, oh, I'm going to fight a dragon. And like, it's clearly a fucking ogre. It's either an ogre or it's James Gandalfini under there. Like, come on. His skin is green. So it would be James Gandalfini after the death. But she's like, oh, my God, it's my night and shining armor. Right. And, you know, there's this whole gag about like, you know, she's like, oh, you're supposed to do this because I've been planning this day forever. And he's like, come on, Lely, let's go. So they leave. Uh, the donkey gives the dragon a slip or whatever. Oh, they like chain the, there's a, like, a dragon business thing. They chain the dragon to the castle. Yeah. So the dragon's like, br-oh. Yeah, it gets like left behind.

They cross this bridge or whatever. Some of those. It gets to eat, uh, a Shrek's asshole first, though. Speaking of a boffo, oh, that's right. Well, yes, explore this. So the don't, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the scuffle, the donkey, or the dragons, the dog. The dragon has the donkey, yeah, in its tail, essentially. Right.

Right. The donkey gets the slip and Shrek tumbles. Yep. But up. But up and it's implied that the shorts fell down. Uh-huh. And the dragon goes directly in. Oh, goes way in. And Shrek goes like, whoa.

Whoa. It goes inside of him. I think there's a, yeah. I mean, this is what happens, right? It's like, Shrek goes ass over tits. And the dragon is already on the way in for the kill with, with donkey, right? And then it's like, Shrek's fucking supple cheeks are replaced by it. And this dragon just gets a mouthful.

Just like immediately. It's like a thunk. Thunk. But you see even Shrek goes, like, it's like the dragon goes and then he reacts. It's a cold thermometer. It is. Yes, exactly. Exactly.

Like, whoa. How's my prostate? While you're in there, I got cancer. Any ogre over 25. needs to get the colonoscopy. Meanwhile, Dan, the audience is like, exactly. Better do that.

Just like when my dragon doctor does it. That would be crazy, dude, if like this movie woke up some like 50-year-old dude that was like, oh my God, I better get to the doctor. Thank you, Shrek. You saved my life. That dragon is doing the Lord's work. That's what I, ready for you're a Shrek branded colonoscopy. Oh, God.

It's the green cameras. going in there. That's the thing, dude. Once you have your own personal brand toothpaste, colonoscopy personal branding is right around the corner. Absolutely. The Shrek green garden hose by your ars. So, the

dragon gets incapacitated. They leave. They're on the road. Shrek reveals himself to be an ogre. And she's like, oh my gosh, you're an ogre. That's not fun. Right. And, you know, this is camera. She's also upset that there was no romance in the rescue. Yes. Right. The knight and shining armor

destiny. She was waiting for the cliches. I think Cameron Diaz is pretty good in this too, actually. I like Cameron Diaz. Period. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Community actor. She's a great comedic presence. She does these jokes pretty well. She's totally fine in this. I'm fine. She's like serviceable in this movie. She just looks like a sim. The three jokes they give her, yeah. The animation on her is a bit weird. There's a lot of shapes to this lady. Yeah. She's a busty princess for no good reason. Well, there's a reason. Well, yeah, but they're just It's not good. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, yeah, they got everything in this movie. The dads in the audience and that dude writing for Gang Bang Monthly. And also, like... No, I am not no dead. And they all, they're also, think about all the young teenage boys in the audience that are future dads and gang bang monthly writers, their subscribers. Right. Future writers.

No, seriously. All my future writers out there. Think about everyone that watched Shrek and then went home to watch pornography. It's his huge vener. diagram that it's a one pie wait they so they saw Shrek and then they were like boy

I have to go home and look at pornography or was it a all right I go see Shrek and then when I get home sneak off and look at some pornogers purple circle man yeah all of them oh you got it my purple circle dragon get out of there do you want the ogre the fucker

so it's just Uh-huh. Yes. Uh-huh. Fascinating. They kind of go on the road now, and this is kind of what the movie is going to be. You realize it's 40 minutes left of this movie somehow. I forgot.

I have a note here that says Shrek nut trauma when they're battling the dragon. He also fucking hits a dong pretty hard on the banister. Oh, that's right. When he's like escaping the dragon, he fucking hits his dick so hard. And then he flips over. That's when his asshole gets lit. I just... No, that's after, Eric.

Is it after? Yeah, that's right after. Okay, so then put it... Where's it in the movie, Chris? It's... It's... Time code or bust. Yeah, it's Mr. Shrek.com.

I told you there was sidecock. It's somewhere in there. I think it's before the bridge. Oh, no, it was the gangbank guy. He's like, oh man, billion-dollar idea of Mr. Shrek. No, it's definitely post-mud pie. Don't worry about that. So they go on the road.

They run a foul of a franchise. Robin Hood for North. Why the fuck would you do that? Robin Hood also not a fairy tale character. Like, I mean, yes, he didn't exist. Yeah, that dude was real. No, I mean, he didn't exist in any real way or, you know, composite. But it's it, it's, it's a difference. It's like Sherlock Holmes. Exactly. He's more, I think he's more recent than King Arthur, though, right? So, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. King Arthur was like the dark ages practically, right? So, and this guy was like concurrent to Richard the Lionheart, babe.

Speaking of that, Eric will be the only one who gets this, but Farquod is setting himself up for a Sean Connery First Night-esque cucking here. Oh, yes. Because the hero is going to get it. The champion, too.

The champion. It's always the champion. All right, my wife. Go go with Richard Geer. Yeah, I know. I'm bald and old. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm sorry.

He defeated that weird gauntlet machine that Sean Connery built in his fucking pristine Castle. That movie is too clean. Again, hard to be a god. Yes. Thank you. So it's a French Robin Hood played by Vincent Kinsell of all people who would have. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, that's something. And like it's a, there's like a, we just stop the movie dead for a fucking, a B-side from Robin Hood. Men in tights. Thank you very much. And it's, he's French. And then we get a matrix joke. Holy shit. A very long a Matrix joke. I almost

fell off the couch. I couldn't even fucking believe it. And second of the fucking jokes I was talking about earlier with the song because he says, I like saucy girls a lot because I like to get, and they say paid, but it's

clearly supposed to be late. Oh yeah, because it's because Robin Hood loves the fuck. It's a thing where like he's about to say laid and then like the chorus of Mary Men like cuts him off and says paid instead. Yeah, the hood is for his foreskin. That's what they're talking about.

And that fucking dad is back in that theater like, uncut. I'm getting horny. Hey, brother, you got to do something about that. I got a couple of magazines for you. Going home. And then I'm going to look at porno when I get home. That was a musical scene.

And then there's so many other scenes of just listening to popular music of the time. Totally. Walking around to the eels for some reason. Yeah, mutilating animals, too. Yes, thank you. Oh, right. She fucking, like, takes a snake and blows it up like it's a balloon. And it's just like...

And then, like, ties it into a balloon animal dog and gives it to Shrek, like, here you go. The eels, if you want to get high in your bathtub and or have something to have in your fucking cartoon movie. I think I'll choose option number one. Yeah. I mean, I love this band. And I forgot that this tune was in the movie. My favorite monster. Yeah, yeah, from their first album.

Which is about addiction, right? Yeah, yes. And I was like, oh, well, this movie's obnoxious now, but I really love this band. I'll stick out this 45 seconds. No, fast forward in for me, I guess. So on their first, they're very close to the camp or very close to the place there. And they're like, oh, let's move on. She's like, no, we, oh, my God, it's almost nighttime.

Right. Let's set up camp. She goes inside a Jesus-esque. tomb with a rock? Complete with a rock door, dude. A rolling rock door. And Jesus, whistling hands, Christ. There's a skeleton in there.

Oh, fuck, he's not risen. What are the odds? We booked the same cave. And outside, you're going to see some weeping ladies. Just let them leave them alone. Let them weep. They're going to do what they're going to do. What were you saying, Kevin?

I can't get this door open. Oh, no. oh no oh that's that's just death it's getting hard to breathe in here we took this joke too fucking far i knew it no it's actually it's jesus he's stuck behind the the boulder and then he has like a remember when episode a clip show episode of all the other adventures he's had well done well i guess i'm stuck in here well hey hey hey hey god remember when i made those loaves into fucking many loaves and all them fish oh wait that's just my life flashing before my eyes

I'm dead again dead and loving it cabin what were you saying sorry so outside of this of the Jesus cave yes um

Shrek and donkey are having a heart to heart but this but this is I'm sorry just pretense to the following scene

which is the I you can argue all the other shit this one I'm is just awful the Farquod evening entertainment we pan to

Farquod in bed With his shirt off With a zebra print fucking blankets Like fucking Alfred Malina Boogie nights And a dead The gingerbread man

Is throwing fireworks In the background Wait did you just say a dead baby The dead baby bear On his fucking floor That's right as a rug Oh shit I didn't even notice that

And he's got a He's got the poor fucking magic mirror Who has a personality is a character. Kind of sounds like, you know, Carson Daly. A little bit. Or Ryan Seacrest, whoever. And he is showing him a picture of Fiona,

looking at the thing, he's like, oh, magic mirror, show her again. Yeah, oh, yeah. And then he lifts up the fucking covers, looks at his dick in preparation for jagging off. It's pretty weird. In front of the fucking magic mirror, who is a, like a character.

No, you watch it, mirror you watch me do it please put me into sleep mode no you will not go to sleep watch it i love to go to sleep he also he put all these people in a concentration camp and he also stole their art yeah yeah sounds like some other little dictator i know about and yeah i mean like why the jerk off joke it's very clearly a jerk off yeah that dad dude no the kids man i'm telling you man everyone was fucking jerking it in 2001. That was a good year for jerking all. The jingo jeans.

You had the last vest of jingo jeans. You could hide a bono in them. Your friends aren't going to war yet. You know what I mean? Like you're, the sky is the limit until until September. That's the thing though. I don't think. I actually think this isn't subtle,

but it's actually too subtle for dumb kids who are just looking for like. Yeah. American Pie wasn't subtle about it's jerking off Joe. Sure. This is a little bit more. This is for the dads, I think. Well, yeah, I guess, yeah. The dad's remembering when they were jerking off his camera.

Wow, so this, by the way, was May 18th, 2001. So they were just months left of Shrekly innocence. Exactly. It was that golden summer, dude. Well, the election had already been stolen. That's true. That's true. Oh, man, I remember that, man.

I was just all Shrek and dangling chads. I'm not talking about a guy. I am actually shocked that there's no dangling Chad joke in this movie. Yeah, dude. Just squeak it in. Squeak it in. No, Chris, is it in number two or three? Because this shit loves to do old jokes. That's true.

They actually like, avoid politics mostly altogether. So maybe dangling Chad jokes in number four that came out in 2010. That sounds like more of a Madagascar thing. Chad's dangling and he don't even know it. Wouldn't be out of place.

The second night, there's you know they kind of go on Fiona and Shrek are getting more cozy with each other Yeah dude They very much like each other This romance blossoping Horn dog and Fiona goes to sleep in a windmill And she again very quickly closes the door

We don't know what's going on back there And donkey comes in and she turned into an ogre In the night you guys Yeah dude once the sun goes down That's her curse she turns into an ogre That's me puking No I'm kidding And I mean I think this movie is supposed to

be about body images, about like, I mean, self-image. Self-image and like, oh, it's like, you know, it's okay to be like, no, it's not. They tell you you look like Shrek. Because all this movie's doing is giving ammo for bullies. Yeah, exactly.

That's a really good point. They're not taking away like a message of understanding. They're like, oh yeah, you look like fucking Shrek. Exactly. Look at that guy's looks like fucking Shrek and she looks like fucking Shrek Rina or whatever that lady's name was. I didn't watch that movie

But my sister didn't It sucked But she looks like Shrek Rina Hey Shrek Rina That's the rocks at her Exactly I mean like that's But that's the thing

Is that And thank you brother Throw the rock under the bus And I mean you know If we're making body image stuff You know what You know who's much maligned Throughout this whole movie

Short man And as a short man I'm offended Yeah As a Shrek man I'm offended too Like there's five jokes five of the like eight jokes that are in this movie are short jokes

yes so many short jokes and let me this bot this is stupid they explain so it turns out in the second one Fiona's father is a fucking frog wait what yeah oh that's right I remember that he's a frog that's why

that's what I assume like all this nonsense is about fuck do you see the air to the toadstool kingdom and it's and it's also inferred that so he fucked a lady the queen hold on a second

a human woman a tadpole went up a human woman I don't know that's what you're telling me right now the new film from Guillama del Toro Trek 2

so wait he could have done it shut up now just does a frog does he turn into a man and then he fucks here I'll give you this

does he even a frog dick and is that like what we talked about before John Cleese the king goes to a bar And he's looking for Puss and Boots. Right. And he...

He's looking at a Pussing Knocking Boots. Which, by the way, Puss and Boots, this is from John Oliver, there is a humpty-dumpy getting raped in prison joke. What? Oh, that's... Yes, I do. 100%. Wow, Chris Cabin, you're having it all come back to me, man. He's a Shrekspurt.

You know what I mean? Like, you want to say Catrean film critic, this and that? No, no, no. This gentleman here is a shrexpert. Right, exactly. You deserve our respect. I'm going to have to put that on my CV. from now on.

I can't wait to read his 6,000 words on one of those Shrek Halloween specials. So Shrek 2, Humpty Dumpty is imprisoned. That's the spinoff Puss and Boots movie.

So in Puss and Boots, Humpty Dumpty is in prison. No, makes a reference that if he goes to if he goes to prison, he's going to get raped. They're sticking his yoke. Yeah.

Huh. So, but back to Shrek 2. Right. When John Cleese King is in the bar, a fucking frog with lipstick, says, do I know you?

Oh, yeah. And then later he says he was fucking. This frog was fucking all over the land. Wait, so all as Shrek-looking ogre is, is a cross between a person and a frog? No, because, like, I think he fucked. There's other magic involved. Yeah, and the good thing is a fairy godmother with the house.

They said she's cursed by a witch. She's cursed by a witch. Oh, Jennifer Saunders is in it. Yes, yes, right. Okay. Yes, I'm remembering this movie. Also, the end of this movie is the, the, the, The, yeah, the gingerbread man is, like, gigantic, and they're playing, I need a hero, and he's, like, smashing through the fucking... They make a big gingerbread man called Mongo.

Okay. I'd rather watch the ginger dead man. Yes, much better movie. Yeah, I don't know, man, yeah, I'm going to tap out of the house. You say that, but then you're sitting there watching Ginger Dead Man, and you're like, I should rethink my life. People are like, hey, man, you want to watch Evil Bond? No, I'd rather be dead. I'd rather you fucking put me in the groan.

Exactly. Like, what if, like, you, you took a bong hit and it went, like, bad? Yeah. Pretty fucked up. Pitch meeting over. Bitch meeting. So she has a heart to heart with a donkey. She kind of tells him the whole thing.

She's like, I was cursed by a witch. And he's like, you got to tell Shrek. And he's like, dude, what are you crazy? You're an ogre. He's an ogre. You guys are made for each other. You guys like each other anyway. And she's like, no.

And, you know, it's okay. She's like, who would love a disgusting creature like myself? A disgusting creature. Right. And he overhears this. Shrek is completely like sitcom over here. She says like ugly and princess don't mix. She's talking about herself, Shrek.

Oh, man. But Shrek don't know it. Classic misunderstanding, man. Hashtag Shrek don't know it. And all, yeah. On all you're, to do Eric's point, all you're doing is all the little mean girls. The fourth grade mean girls like, you know who looks? like Shrek, Fiona as Shrek, Bettina.

Yeah. Batina's ugly. Yep. Hey, Bettina, why don't you go marry Shrek? And she's like, no, and her life is fucking ruined. I guarantee you. Right into the mailbag if your life has been ruined by Shrek. I guarantee you'll get 12,000 letters.

I shared my story. Share your ears. We're all going to heal tonight, my friends. It's a Shrek support group. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Oh. Shreport. I'm listening.

So, yeah, we have a sitcom falling out because he only hears the part where she thinks she's disgusting. Yes, and this is Shrek. This is the true colors of Shrek. Oh, yeah. This is beyond the green, man.

This is the mean. Because Shrek overhears this as no context for what he's listening to and immediately turns around and he's like, you know, I'm going to do, I'm going to crawl through the night, and I'm going to go to that fucking genocidal madman

and tell him the locations of this woman that he wants to fucking kidnap. He basically swats her, man. He totally does. He's like, he's like, hey, Lord Farquod, there's a princess and a donkey.

They're inside. They're playing PS4, but I think somebody's got a gun. And he immediately runs with all his fucking army to, like, kidnap her, basically. And one of the most horrifying images in the film comes when Farquod,

like comes up on his horse and whatever and he goes to get off and some like dungeon master executioner dude has to lift him off the horse and it's like his tiny legs come out of like the suit of armor legs that are just there it's disgusting it's like fucking

little person Ironman it's so weird so it you know and actually at this point Fiona has realized she has to tell Shrek but by the time she tells Shrek it's morning she turns back to normal and you They're basically like, oh, you know, it's the end of the second act of act two of popcorn, so we're all going to break up.

Cue, hallelujah. Dude, what the fuck? And you ought to talk about a ruined song. That song was ruined by watch, but I hear that song. I think of people fucking inside of a floating owl, all right? You know what I mean? Like, that's all that can happen. I wiped that one out.

And this is, this is John. You rubbed what? Jesus Christ, dude. Do not talk about that on the air. To it, no. Yes. No, I had eternal sunshineed it. I can't, that I don't even want to think, but like...

And this is John Kale singing about it, the John Kale version. The most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And it's all this like, oh, we're missing each other. We're lonely. We're doing like the Citizen Kane sitting at the long table alone. Because he also tells Donkey to go fuck himself, which is like, yeah, great, great guy, Shrek. Exactly. Now you have no one again.

And here's the thing. The impetus of the movie, which is overplayed in when you think about it, is the fairy tale characters. And like, he's like, so Farquad, you got rid of the movie. those fairy tale characters, right? And he's like, yeah, I did. Yeah. And where did they go?

Up in smoke. Yeah, dude, a fucking bonfire. Roasting these little critters, man. That's what it was, crispy critters. Well, I have to get them out of this ogre's lair. What kind of a solution can I come to? Ooh, a final one! Dude, they just fucking napalm Shrek's little village.

And then, like, built his hut back up over the incinerated corpses. Oh, wow. Yeah, so Shrek don't even know it. Because it's a bog anyway. You can't smell anything. Yeah, dude, he's sleeping in a cemetery. He don't even know it. Is he attacked by ghosts in the sequels, Chris?

Oh, that's... I don't believe so. It's like an Indian burial graze. I don't believe so. The house, like, eats itself until it disappears. Like... Yeah, he's... Shrek is shaving.

He is shaving in the second one. Oh, really? Yeah, with his own feces, he says, the lather. Really? No. I believed it. It's totally plausible. It was actually boogers.

He goes back to a swamp. Fiona's about to get married to the king to Farquat and she's like, you know, we have to do it before nightfall. Like that's the gag. Right. She's trying to get this legalized before. And the curse will be broken when she kisses her first true love, which is the thing. The donkey comes up to Shrek. He's like, you're a fucking asshole, man.

What's your problem? big telling off scene here from donkey after shrek has a big monster dump because he comes out of that fucking he comes out of that uh that outhouse like who he's been eating spider webs and fucking bees oh yeah oh god i can't imagine no that poor outhouse just set it on fire that fair tale book is gone donkey are gonna have to come back i've got to take a dirt shower real quick it was one of those ones where you go so bad you're like you know what i better shower now it'll be easy I got a shower off this shit. Oh, yeah. Then hallelujah plays while he's in the shower. The pretense to Leonard Cohen's letter to God. Got to get these Alice boogers. So they have a fight and then it's like,

all right, now that we're buds again, here's this dragon and we're going to fly in and fucking pull the third act of the graduate on this wedding. And they do. The wedding is kind of nothing. It's nothing, but man, I totally didn't remember this. Lithgow just gets fucking murdered in this movie.

Yeah. Well, first of all, she... He gets Jurassic Park lawyered. She turns into an ogre in the middle of the ceremony. Right. And Lithgow is disgusted. We very... He actually calls for her imprisonment.

Yes, and Shrek to be executed. Which is good move, man. Fartwood's got it on that one. But when she turns into... Oh, no, actually, I'm sorry. So, yeah, and he's like, you should be executed. You should be imprisoned. and this is when the dragon eats him, right?

Just eats him. Just eats him alive. She burps and, like, the crown comes out. And I was like, oh, that guy's dead. Yeah, I thought that he was in all these movies. I was like, oh, and then John Lippel. I know, it's Prince Charming. I actually watched the entire end credits thinking there would be an end scene of him, like, waking up in a pile of shit.

Like the end of Pacific Rim? Yes, exactly. Ron Perlman just fucking gets vomited out. Is he in that new one or no? No. That's just Charlie Day and the guy. And the skeleton-looking guy. No, no, I did not.

I'm curious. I'm Pacific Rim curious. I've heard nothing with bad. Yes. I don't care. Look at it. That's what it's about. Fucking robots hitting each other.

It's about being terrible. Exactly. Don't you look stupid? I guess I do. You just got think pieced. Shrek kisses her. Yes. And it's like, oh, this is love first true.

kiss and we very specifically pointedly knock on Beauty and the Beast because she like raises in the air yellow light comes out from all over things totally that clock turns back into a frog man those they did those people dirty they were his servants and they get cursed because their boss is a dick hey man you're fucking you're assisting you know you're you're helping the regime exactly and at least he's a mammal you know what I mean like the beast turns into a beast he's still got a dick, he still got an asshole, he gets to shit, he could still eat. These are, they turned into clocks and things.

That's a great question. When they were all turned back into people, what was the bathroom situation? Oh, dude, the line was around the block. That guy was a castle, man. I had more than one fucking toilet. Or I guess chamber pot. Everyone's just taking showers afterwards.

Cogsworth. The plates are like the cruelest because you have all this food just like put on you and you can never taste it. And you don't even have a face. Like at least the clock's got a face. What if, like, the top of the plate was just one big tongue? Well, okay.

In that, in that situation, in that David Cronenberg has a situation. Yes. The only one who was appropriate was the Ottoman because that dude was into it. Oh, yeah. Well, that was also a dog. Oh, it was a dog. I thought it was a guy. It was like, put your feet on my back.

No, it was a dog. There's a dog who had a foot fetish. Well, this movie, a dog could be a person. Look at the fucking donkey. That's true. So she turns in. she doesn't turn into anything actually but she's now an ogre for real and she's like oh i thought i'd be beautiful and shrek says you are to me or whatever the line you are beautiful uh-huh which is

again it's nice but it's also a curse but like everybody's getting called shrek man yes exactly doesn't matter the niceness does not matter and there's no way to win with this right because if you then just made them both look like people which i think in one of those shrek movies he turns into a person for a little bit. He does in the end of the second one he turned and yeah he turns into a person. Does he immediately look at his dick? There is immediately three women want to fuck him. Of course. Yeah because he's like this barrel chest Oh he doesn't turn into a big fat guy? No no no. Really? But that's the thing though you can't have like a Spencer Tracy type more. Yes yeah like an old boxer. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Like that guy could

have been like a third supporting character actor on like a Twilight Zone episode like the third astronaut who dies first. But, oh man, where was I going with that? Oh, no, so you can't, you lose either way, right? Because either kids are getting made fun of, or you're getting shit as the people who animated the movie, like, oh, yeah, fine, now they got to look like models. It's fucking Barbie and Ken. Oh, I get it.

It's lose, lose. But it's a bad, it's not a great message. It doesn't fit. Like, you're trying to fit it in this fart joke movie, and it does not fit. Not a lot of things can fit into a fart joke. joke movie aside from fart jokes themselves and smash mouth well and also the whole thing the whole end where this is supposed to settle in that message is supposed to settle in is rushed to shit the third act it's like 10 minutes exactly like thankfully this movie's a blissful 90 minutes because it should

be Fiona's movie but it's not because we we love the donkey so much you know we love the donkey we're selling the character that has any kind of arc to her we're selling the stuffed animals right you can't have a Fiona stuffed animal unless it's her as the as the ogre Right? So, like, that all doesn't matter as much. And also, why isn't she incredible hulking when she turns into Shrek? You know what I mean? Like, why isn't, like... Oh, wait. Oh, so ogres have to be inherently violent to you?

No, I mean, like, you know, like, her dress conforms perfectly, you know what I mean? Okay, so you want to see a naked Shrek of naked... Yes, I'm going to go on the other... I want to see a naked Shrek woman. I'm an artist. No, I'm just saying the physics don't make a ton of sense. Right, yeah. You know with...

And I mean... Oh, man, fuck yeah, dude. Purple and green make me scream. Oh, do you think that's going to happen in Infinity War? It's like, you start off and it's like... She-Hulk. No, you start off and it's like, you know, it's a book talking about from Time Memorial,

there was Infinity Gems and Thanos was the one to find them. And then Thanos tears a page and it goes, Somebody wants to me. It's purple Bruce Willis kicking open an out-house door. In space, absolutely. I love this. He's taking a space shower The stars all over him or something.

I was at the ass end of the moon. Holy shit. So the spell's broken and, you know, fucking Q smash mouth. Q Macarena. So, yes, that too. Macarena. Oh, my God. There's also the...

I was the blink to miss the Macarena. What happens is the macarena here? They do the whole dance at the wedding. Oh, I see. I just tuned out when that wedding started. I was tuning. out too. So a quick question is Fiona now forever, Shrek? Yes. Yeah, she's

an ogre. She's not a person at all. But she also changes back in the second one. Okay. Why? She drinks a potion. They break the curse and then she becomes an ogre. Yeah. Wouldn't that be just going full curse? Well, that's, that's my

thought too. Was she always an ogre? The movie doesn't tell you. The movie kind of plays with your emotions there. I thought that she was a human woman that was cursed to be an ogre. night, and then she... Which is, by the way, when you're sleeping, it's the best time to be an ogre. Absolutely.

Oh, she goes to bed early every night. Early riser. But I mean, like, from what I can gather, the fairy godmother, like, did a favor for the father to, like, make it not a full curse. Oh, okay. And then when that happened, like,

all bets are off. You got witches doing favors in this shit, man? Yes, yes. It's like the mafia. Oh. See, I could, the mafia should be in this movie. And all, by the way, we cut to their wedding and we're doing the macaranda, whatever, and all the fairy tale creatures are back because I guess, you know, that that dude is dead and everything's cool now.

Yeah, they got let out of wherever they were in a pen somewhere with fucking Magneto. But there's got to be some sort of. They're playing chess. There's got to be some sort of memorial tree for the fallen. You know what I mean? Not everybody made it out of that camp. Well, that second movie, you do get quite the battle. So I feel like that should be.

You know, they hate us, Charles. We're the future, Charles, not them. Not those knights. It'll be a world of fairy tale creatures. I think that's how the third movie should open, though. It's like everybody who died in that siege at the end of the second one, we'll get a little war memorial. He goes up to Rapunzel.

Oh, I love what you've done with your hair. Exactly. What a bitch. What a catty bitch, Magneto is. I love it. And yeah. That's the movie. Smash Mountain starts playing.

I'm a believer. but it cuts into Eddie Murphy's singing I'm a believer, which is a better version because anything's better than the smashout. As we all know. That's the title of my first book. Cultural essays and... And you think this is bad.

...pornography? Sorry. Dude, that is a great-aid title. Cultural essays and gang-bang pornography. Everything's better than Smash Out. That's it. Yeah, that's... From Dr. Steven Sadeck.

No, you think this is bad. but then like and I don't know if you like cleaning the theater had to listen to these I remember having to listen Oh yeah All this trash

In your head You're you are listening to these songs Like four or five times a day And then like if you're if your theater Like if the theater had the movie on two screens It's eight times Listening to the last like three minutes of a movie And it's always songs that like

The music label that the movie studio also has Yep Their new star or something has this piece of shit song Yeah to listen to and nausea. And the radio was rotten with it too back then. And for younger listeners, that's what we called Spotify.

Like, I remember cleaning the theaters to the first scary movie and they had that fucking Bloodhound gang song, Great White Hope or Great White Hype, whatever that song is. And you just had to listen to it. You're sweeping up popcorn like, was this the right move? Should I have applied

for this job? I didn't know there'd be quite so much Bloodhound game. I would take them a hundred times over this garbage. Oh, I would listen to the Bloodhunt gang over Smash Mel any day of the week. Yeah. But it all sucks. It's all terrible. They had some funny songs. They probably don't hold up, though.

That's the end of this movie. Thank God. Three more of them and several television specials followed. We might be returning to this area. I don't even know. Who knows? Who could know? We'll see. There's a remake coming. In fact, we might be returning next week.

No, I'm kidding, everyone. No, thank God. But at least for this week, Would anybody recommend this movie? I would not. It doesn't hold up. And I do think that the most important thing this movie ever did was ruin animated cinema for the rest of time. Yeah. Patience Zero, like Chris Kavana said.

With all this quote unquote irreverent shit, like animated movies can be funny. Like Monsters Inc. is funny. A lot of the, and I'm not just some Disney guy. Like there are other stuff, but this is not it. And I just find this brand of humor distasteful. and it's just always at the expense of the movie. Like when you lay out the logic of the movie, it doesn't make any sense. So no.

Yeah, everything he said. Also, I mean, I actually just think it's a really not well-told story. I think it's really clunky. I didn't feel like I was being put on a journey or that there was much of a world building going on. But they're singing on the road again. Oh, who cares. And also, he starts as a petty asshole. He ends as a petty asshole.

He just made two friends. That's his big fucking thing. He also got laid, dude. Yeah, also this. I got it wet, Chris. What have you ever done? I got both of them wet. He was practicing a log in the swamps for so long.

Like an old waterlogged log. Leo has heard all these stories. So I would say absolutely no, don't watch it. And like Steve said, like this made so much fucking money. So every, every like shitty low budget. animated film has to be this essentially now because they're waiting for a hit like this to happen again exactly i hated this movie in the theater in 2001 like from right there i was like clenching the fucking armrests i hated this movie so much that no i would not recommend it and it is okay if you like it

you know some people grew up on different things oh sure like you know back then back in the day you know i would say like oh duck tails fuck i love that more than my family i would slip my family's throat gladly if scrooge mcduck told me to do so yes you've got to do it eddick another scotsman telling me what to do Eric say it with me though wake up babies yes it's shit yes it's shit like i've gone back to duck tails it is bad it is capitalist propaganda of the highest order it is trash top to bottom so evaluate your life and move forward and i say that out of love and respect but you know if you still like it after that you know that's that's go with god my friend uh go see the better animated film from 2001 monsters ink i don't even care if you've seen it

a thousand times yeah thousand one more times uh yeah monsters at university yes i wasn't crazy about it but it's still fun it's fine yeah i missed it i missed it see the upcoming incredible sequel we're not going to be very good i bet well how do you know i'm just betting brad bird i don't I'm putting money on that. I don't know. I'm excited for it. But yeah, I hadn't seen this in years, you know, and I kind of had that looking back, like, rose-colored glasses as I was about to watch

it, and this just, it hasn't aged well for me. As someone who did like the first one when it came out, I did like this movie, and I kind of liked that second one. And then I just, I guess like by the time that third one came out, I was like, I've kind of aged out of, I got

all the myelage out of Shrek. At that point, it was baby shit. I mean, it really was. You're in college. I mean, by the time that was out. Wait, wait, did it have less sex jokes? It does. It has much less.

Oh, my God. Then, yeah, baby. But you get Timberlake. Yeah, that's right. Oh, that's right. You do is Prince Charming. So that is Shrek from 2001 directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicki Jensen. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHM Podcast.com.

Or find us over on the HeadGum Network. If you want more us talking about animated movies, you should come out to the New York City Podfest on Friday. Sunday. There it is. On Sunday afternoon at 3 p.m. Yeah, Sunday, April 8th, 2018. If you missed it, you missed it. That fucking sucks for you, man. NYCPodfest.com for those tickets. Rate and reviewed this show. Wherever you get it, we'd greatly appreciate it. Facebook.com slash we hate movies at WHM podcast on Twitter. And what is next week's episode Steve Seda? Oh, we are revving up the motorcycles, gang. It's time. for Wildhogs.

Oh, ew. Oh, man. And I will say we do extra episodes on Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And we will be doing, let's not announce it just yet. Let's get people excited. Sure.

We're going to be doing a Tim Allen movie to connect with Wild Hogs for the month of April. Right. And if you subscribe now to that at the $5 level, you get an episode on Bright, Man of Steel, Ghost Rider, Spruiter, Spirit of Vengeance. we just launched this tier we're very excited about it and then you'll also instantly unlock the the three dollar tier which is animation damnation if you want more gross cartoon talk including duct tails by the way oh yeah hit that up and then at the eight dollar level we have commentary tracks coming out we have a singable commentary track for cloverfield paradox to name just one oh yeah man uh and also there's a taken one there's a taken two one you mean oh right taken to entumentary

And there's two Twilight Mentories. Two of them, there's, I think we're going to do another one this year. Yes, we got to do it. I'm dying to get back into it. Rambo Mentory. Yep, the Rambo 2008 movie and Teenage Mutuals from 2014. There it is. And also at that level, a Star Trek recap podcast.

We're doing every single episode of the original series and the next generation. You're like Don Cheetaheedle and Buggy Nights. You are great at this. I'm a great at a lot of things you've seen in Boogie Nights, my friend. Oh, my good Lord. So until next week, we're revving up the bikes like them fat twins in that famous picture. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek.

Chris Cabin. Eric Siska this time. Take it easy. Thank you.