We Hate Movies - S8 Ep352: Episode 352 - Lost in Space

Episode Date: April 17, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang welcomes back their good friend, and WHM Disaster Movie Expert, Justin J. Case to chat about the TV-to-Film adaptation, Lost in Space! Why does that intro narration sound like we missed the first 30 seconds? How much scenery is Oscar-winner Gary Oldman chewing? And what is with that spider? PLUS: Andrew and Chris present their favorite executions from Martin Scorsese's Silence! Lost in Space stars William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Heather Graham, Lacey Chabert, Jack Johnson, Gary Oldman, Matt LeBlanc, and Jared Harris; directed by Stephen Hopkins. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, we're talking about Burger King Presents Lost in Space. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Just in case. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. And welcome back to the program, our good friend from the Midwest, Mr. Justin J. Case. How are you, buddy? Hello. Good to be back in the studio, man. The old studio. God, you're looking good. I haven't seen you in months, ages. I know. I know. I'm really turning into my final form.

Oh, that's what the spider legs are doing, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's, yeah. It explains the spider later. From now on, we have to call you Fit Justin. Not just Justin, Fit Justin. Okay. Okay. You've earned it. So, yeah, this week's episode, Lost in Space from 1980.

Oh, my God, 1990. You wish. It might as well be with these graphics. Directed by Stephen Hopkins. Friend of the show, he did Predator 2. Did Predator 2, he directed Judgment Night. Nightmare and Elm Street 5. Stay tuned for both of those.

I really feel. absolutely um so this was the first time i ever watched this really yeah i totally just skipped it as a kid because i knew i didn't give a shit can i say this was the first movie i watched on dvd oh wow tvd do you do you remember anything about that menu oh god no i think it was like a freeze for like just the poster oh right them in the front and then like the play that's shocking I guarantee you this cast bios on that though Oh yeah we were trying to that was the thing It's a special feature cast bios

Special feature anamorphic menus wow what a gift Full official synopsis in the pamphlet in the sleeve there Oh absolutely dude the booklet sleeves They weren't in to the like animated if you let it stay long enough Then then that monkey would be like Oh god I hate that Hey you're gonna watch this or what Buffy the Vampire Slayer, those series, have the worst fucking menus.

You're going through a graveyard, something comes out. Yup. A thing opens, a thing closes. You are really just making me happy. I've never watched this shit. Yeah, you're fine. I think actually the original, like, standard deaf Nightmare and Elm Street box set I had, which was the first DVD box set I bought, it was a crazy obnoxious, like,

get through Freddy's house to find the fucking whatever. I was like, I just want to watch this movie. There were, uh, Recre Room for a Dream had like some sort of like internet tie-in. Yeah. Yeah, if you left it on like a certain screen or something, you can get a code. Yeah, you can just push off and then find a... All the movies to get that sort of tie-in. If you watch this backward, it actually tells you how to get to the Silk Road.

Yeah. The two most popular examples of that, there's a name for it too at Akron. I can't what it is like a tie-in. Is Require from the Dream and Halo. Oh, really? The Game Halo. Yeah. Oh, really?

So it's like, Halo did it, and then Requiem of a Dream was like, all right, all right, we can be cool on the Internet. If there's ever a movie that did not need an Easter egg on the DVD, man. Oh, my God. The DVD is pure Easter eggs. If you hit the refrigerator or a jumps at you, maybe, and that's a fun one. I saw this in theaters, and I don't know why. I really do not understand. Oh, I know why.

Fat Kid Summer. Yeah, this is April, though. Oh, was it? April? I thought this came in August. That kid's spring. I thought this was super early in the year. Oh, it could be. Spring has sprung. It is another, we are under the, uh, the, the, the torment of a fat kid spring. It's been going on. It's been going on for years now. Uh, yeah, like I said, I skipped. It was your first DVD. It was the theaters, Chris Gavin? No, no,

not in theaters. Absolutely. Oh, don't act like you're fucking above it. Come on. I never liked Matt LeBlanc. I'm going on record to say this. I never liked it. I was a Gary old manhead at the time. And I also had an age-appropriate crush on Lacey Sherbert, though that might have had the thing. That might have been all part of it. It was the, he pronounces it Chabair. I don't know. Maybe that's right. I've always said Chabare. I've never bothered. Steve called her mom. Wait, so J-Jid, you said you saw this in theaters? I saw this opening night in theaters. Oh, well, I was not there opening up. I was there first seat. I was, and I don't, again, the question, April 3rd, 1998, by the way, to place it in a moment in time.

Okay, wow, what a great time to be alive. Not so long ago. I went to see with my cousins because they were super hyped about it. But then the question is like, why were they super hyped about it? I don't understand. And to me, this is a movie that goes along with a lot of other ones like, Wild Wild West, it pops in my head. But like, before you could vote, it was like your civic duty to see these films.

Right? Like, it was just like, you have to, well, we've got to get out and check. Got to support the box office. Yeah, I got to support the box office. I can't, I don't have a hand in government, yeah. I can't share my opinion if I don't go out and support the box office. Don't complain unless you saw the movie. Well, wasn't this, like, this is the dead zone between men in black and the Star Wars prequels.

Yeah. Like, you didn't really know if it was supposed to be fun sci-fi or serious sci-fi. But it was a TV show. It was like, oh, cool, this TV show. And I'm like, oh, cool, lost in space. I've never seen that. That's like, why are you going? But why are you going?

We were doing this out the ass in the late 90s, though. Wild Wild West. The Mod Squad, Wild Wild West, the Avengers. And it started with Mission Impossible, 96, and it made a shit ton of money. Yeah, sure. And that makes sense. And the Brady Bunch movie, which kind of doesn't count but kind of does. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's in there. That was like, you know, the Mauds. And that made a shit ton of money, too. The 70s, but, yeah. Yeah, but it was. It was just like, well, they're remaking something with better graphics. I have to see it. I saw the Mod Squad, too, in theaters.

Why? I saw the Mod Squad theaters. Yeah. And that was a weird, I was, I actually have a distinct memory of seeing the Mod Squad in the theaters and being like, what are you doing here? Like halfway through that movie, just like, what the fuck business do you have watching this? You got bamboozled. I did. No, I totally did.

It was like, look at this cool trailer for this fucking TV show you know nothing about. I just don't know how you look at the equation of why did Mission Impossible make money. And your takeaway is it was a remake of a show nobody liked and not that Tom Cruise was in the fucking thing. Oh, wait, just thinking of another one right now. I think it was 97, the Val Kilmer, the saint. Oh, yes. Yeah, you had to sign out. Which I've seen that movie a ton of times.

Pardon me, but the saint rules. I'm wearing my The Saint T-shirt. I haven't seen it in years. That movie kicks ass. I mean, I don't know if it does, but I remember. I just know that Ray Sir Bradgera is in it. I'll never know how to say his last name. Isn't there like a really awkward blowjob scene in that movie?

I remember, but maybe. Oh, what am I thinking of? The Brown Bunny. I do that all the time. We're doing this episode, obviously, because last Friday, the Netflix series came out. So this is kind of, we're all going Lost in Space Crazy again 20 years later. I guess. I mean, at the time of this recording, it's not out yet, but Chris Cabin, you have seen, what, like the first three?

The first three, I saw, like, I started the fourth, and I just like, no, I'm going to stop this. Oh, okay. Really? Because the last time we talked about this, you were kind of high on it, but not so much anymore. Because in, like, if you compare it to this, it is so much better. Oh, yeah. I mean, just like, so much better. But see, that's the thinking that got us in the theaters of the first place.

You're totally right. But I don't know if this is better than the original series. I really don't know about that. It's almost 20 years to the day, though. I know. April 3rd, 19th, April 13th, 10 days. I think it took that long for this thing, this turd to cool. It was like, don't touch it.

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. You're going to confirm. Hot turds. It's just got a 20-year cycle that they're going to resell us this thing that nobody like to begin with? Guys, who's going to play the saint next summer?

Me. The kid from Teen Wolf. Oh, nice. Oh, sure. So this is obviously, it's about a family that gets lost in space. Nice.

Finally. Very sorry. Oh, God. The opening credits, it's not even the opening credits. No. New Line cinema. Not even, I'm expecting a big fat,

like, this is in 1998. We're high on opening credits. So, like, maybe like, we're watching spaceships spell out Heather Graham. Oh, yeah, you're shooting right to the A in the Blanc. Yeah, sure. Exactly. Or at least give us the courtesy of like another production company or something.

I was sort of taking it back. I wasn't ready. I was getting my computer out to like take notes and shit. And it was like, oh, New Line Cinema, cool. I got time. And then all of a sudden William Hertz flapping his gums. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. The techno remix of the theme song, they don't even play it up front.

Why do it if you're not going to play it up front? Exactly. If you're going to do the Mortal Kombat song kind of sort of, that's it. Lost in space. No, dude. You got to say that for the end because all the fucking seats in the theater were going to be soaked once you heard that song. But it opens up. It's just you see really amalgus nothing space nonsense.

And William Hurt is like we've been talking for hours. It's like, finally, all of the people on Earth have finally come to their senses and stopped fighting. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, to your point. We were making dinner. I'm like, I have to pause this. I'm not ready. It starts as if there's. There's two friends that are catching up, and then one goes,

he's like, hey, do you want a beer? It's like, yeah, I'll get your beer. And he's, like, just telling the story of his divorce. He's like, finally, I just had to walk away. Exactly. It's so weird. And there's a lot that comes at you fast. It's like, the warring nations of Earth.

There's an environmental problem. This, that, the fuck. I was like, everybody slowed out. This is how bad this guy. I stopped. It's on Netflix. I stopped. And I went to iTunes and I bought it to make sure I did, there wasn't a problem with my

Netflix. And they just, like, skipped over five seconds. Like, they start, like, showing shit. And so this is accurate, though? Yes, this is exactly what it was. The beginning of the film. Well, it is like two hours and ten minutes. So I guess, like, fucking get to it.

And it's, yeah, we're doing, it's William Hurdy's telling us that the Earth is dying. And we're, there's a global sedition force. There's another thing. There's all sorts of different factions. The United Global Space Force. Those are the good guys. Yes. Yes.

And then there's the whatever. Global sedition. And that there's a mutant suicide squad. So we cut to Matt LeBlanc and he's, or LeBlanc. I'm sorry. Please, please. We are, you don't know how to pronounce his last name. Matt LeBlair.

And they're flying in space fighting something and this looks terrible. Well, it's a terrorist attack is what we see here. Oh, right. Because it's like, now we're going to dock here and what a peaceful day in space. And it's like, terrorism! And this thing blows up and the space station gets hit. And he's, I guess, a defender of the realm or some shit. I don't know.

He's Eagle One. Oh, wow. That's his call song. But sick. In all this action. In all this action. And all this breathless action that's going on. Of course, you have to fit in a little homophobia.

Yeah. It's 1998. Got to fit it in there. And Blanc, he's chasing. Lenny James Yeah The dude who's Walking Dead

Oh dude Will you stop talking about This Snatch TV show No it's a He's in the movie Oh okay I'm sorry I'm sorry

No No Because this Snatch the TV show Came up recently And I was like God damn it dude We were talking about Crackle

If you're talking about That's the only thing You talk about That's true But like he's like All right I got to kiss you But don't take this

The wrong way You might be in love With me Ha ha ha ha I was like, does that mean we're going steady? I was like, come on. I like that it's 2058 and we're still doing this shit. Well, 20058 made in 1999.

Well, that's true. That's what that is. But yes, to Justin's point, Matt LeBlanc's like, uh-oh, here comes another mutant suicide squad. And the Borek show up or whatever these people are. It doesn't matter because we never see them or hear about them ever again. How do you have a race? The movie starts and you're like, oh, these are the bad guys. They look bad.

They had, they're bald. Clearly. Their cockpicks are dark. They have weird steering wheels. We're great. And then just never ever see again. Weird steering wheels, by the way, Primo's sign of a villain.

Look at that fucking steering wheel. Yeah, it has like liquid in it. Yeah, it's like a liquid steering wheel. Or if it's like just a bar, like, oh, that guy's up to no good. There's a weird thing. It's like a dumb detail where like Matt LeBlanc's navigation system is like weird golden contacts.

That never comes back. Nope. No. It's never explained what he's even looking at. He looks like a cat person. He does. He looks like this Dostasia Kinski. I feel if you had put like whatever monologue was before the finally and like all these explanations that I need, we're talking a four hour cut here was somewhere rummaging around this.

Well, I think that's what it was. Like they put the mic on and William Herc gets out of the voice studio and they're like, oh, here's your team. Finally. Okay. So the forces of her. You get it right this time? Okay. What are our thoughts on?

Round the horn, William Hurt. I love William Hurt. I love William Hurt. I love him. William Hurt is a legend. I think he's just okay. I don't think he's bad. I'm not saying he's bad.

Are you talking about like in this movie or like the hurt filmography? The Hurt filmography. This is just the wound you carry for him in history of violence, I feel. He's okay and that. I feel you complain about that performance more than anything else, more than global warming. Didn't he win an Academy Award for that? He's nominated for Academy Award. All right.

If he won, you would have killed him. Joey, I would have strangled you in my crib if I could. You know what, dude, you're from Philadelphia. That's not how they talk. Yeah, but you know what? It's based on a comic book, so who cares? Sure. Broadcast news?

Come on. So this is your last episode, huh? No, I'm just saying, like, yeah, he's cartoonish in it, but like, it's based off a fucking drawing book. Oh, I see. I see. I heard Andrew by Taco William Hurt, and I was trying to hurt me. It's fine. It's fine.

It's getting awkward. No, I don't know. he's totally fine. I just feel like he is exactly the temperature of the movie that he's in. Yeah, that's what an actor does. He never elevates anything, is what I'm saying. He's really great in the big chill.

I think he's like the best part of the big chill. What's the where he turns into a fucking Monstar? Oh, like an altered state. Altered states. He's excellent in that movie. You love altered states. What the fuck are you talking about?

That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying like Steve really just loves Bob Balaban And I'm sorry He's going ape shit No I like William Hurt totally fine That's the thing It's just everyone's saying the word love It's like I don't know

It's weird that he's in a big ass movie like this Yes Well I feel like this sourd it on him Immediately He's like okay I'll give this a shot Yeah I don't know There's always just been something about I always think he's got like cool hair

Sure Oh actually though fucking He's fucking Thunderbolt Ross and all those movies. Just the one, really. I think he's only in the Hulk the one time. No, he's in Civil War. Oh, right.

He got back. He's the fucking accords. He does that whole thing. I'm sure he's going to be an Infinity War. How about this? Shut the podcast down. Guys, the Hurt Locker. New podcast.

Just talking John Hurt. Wow, that's an excellent title. For a fucking William Hurt podcast. All right. This is the end of Russell Rules. Next up is the Hurt Locker. We're going to be talking the doctor. Everyone just is very quiet

Welcome back It's more of an NPR Welcome back to the Hurt Locker You would have to keep his level of that Because he's not a guy who gets excited Exactly Which I understand It's a more restrained performance always

But you know So this like mission that they're going on Well we're not gonna hang up on you Because that'd be rude But could you please hang up yourself We don't hang up on people There's a red button that ends the call Could you press the red button?

Press it at your earliest convenience. We'll wait. So this mission... What are you wearing? What are we doing? Oh, I was still doing the... I was still just doing it. It's a good bit.

All right. Well, this is a long movie. We got a lot to get to, man. No, so it's the same, I guess, mission from the show. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how the show origin. It's essentially the same... I mean, they're like shooting off to find the next place where they can colonize,

and Alpha 5 or Alpha Prime or something like that. Alpha Prime, I believe. Yeah. And this whole like, also like Mission Impossible, 96, you know what else was 96? Independence Day. And this whole opening thing is exactly like the Connick Jr. Will Smith thing. Yeah, light the fires and start the tires, Big Daddy or whatever.

Kick the tires and light the fires. Kick the tires and light the fire. It's a big daddy. And, yeah, Matt LeBlanc is like whoever, who is terrible in this movie. And I like Matt LeBlanc fine, but he is, and it's a bad script. But you don't love him. No, I do not. I would rather watch him play baseball with a monkey, which I've seen that movie a couple of times,

then watch this movie. Ed? Ed, yes, I'm talking about Ed. All right, welcome back to Shooting the Blanks. Stephen Sadegh. That's every week. No, he, yeah, he's, but he's like, oh, yeah, last person to kill a bad guy buys the beer. And it's like, what beer are you buying?

That's what's weird about this. It's like, it's supposed to be so far in the future, but it is just 1998 vernacular. Like, nobody's business. It always bothers me when that happens. And like, yeah, we're just buying beers. Like, what are you, a fucking, I don't know, pool shark, factory worker? Well, that's, any, anything where buddies are buying beers after work? I mean, that's like every, like, Lacey, whatever.

Her name. Alicia Shabair, I believe. She looks like a sneaker pimp. She does look like she could be in sneaker pims. She's got this washed like eye shadow everywhere and these spiky hair. She's sweating the whole time, man. She looks like she's got the fucking DT shakes through this whole thing. It was really concerning.

Well, that's what William Hurt was talking about before I got to the finally was they had come back from high. You know, they had to get her clean. Oh, finally in her third stinted treatment. Because we really needed her to be in this. movies, so... I think this one's gonna take. Ready to go into space. She,

uh, we cut to the, the Robinson family. It's Mimi Rogers. She is actually talking, who plays Maureen, the mom. Right.

And she's talking to June Lockhart or somebody. June Lockhart, of course, man. Uh, who played the original mother. And you know what other mother she played? And you know what other mother she played? And this woman's like 67 years old. Dude,

she's not just the mom from this show, though. What's it? She was the mom on Lassie. Oh. And June Lockhart I'll always remember that from the original Lassie show. And she is fucking shot

upon in this movie. It's humiliating. The idea she has to call, like, she's young Will Robinson's principal and she's like, oh, he's such a genius, he's hacking our vid phones or something. And they keep putting this woman, they put her on a big

beefy dude, then they put her on a gorilla with tits. Come on, Steve, as a fan of The Last Jedi, You have to shatter mythology. Oh, that's true. And that's what this is all about. Oh, that's true. We should say, by the way, it's like a holophone.

Yeah. Oh, okay. And so, and Will Robinson is like hacking it to make the hologram look different. So it's like, poor old June Lockhart's head on this fucking big muscular guy. And you're like, oh, man. And there's, it's all this concern. It's a call from the principal because he's acting out in school, right? Yeah.

So, but like, one of the things that he does is put June Lockhart's head on, like, a babba babe. Yeah. Here's the thing. If a kid can do that, you're lucky he's going to school at all. Yeah. If this kid can put anybody's face on a bab babe,

yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hacking Boeing at night. No, he's just jerking off. He's a really great student and he's just pleasuring himself constantly. That would be amazing if he was just like the most brilliant hacker, but all he did was hack into better porno. Wouldn't use it to like bring down any bang.

thinking system or anything like that. He was behind the whole like, he's like, hey, look, I found this way to put Jillian Anderson's face on a body. That's right. He was the trillion-dollar idea. He was the first person to do that with the internet. But all that comes of this is like Mimi Rogers is like, yeah, you're right, Will Robinson. You're teacher's a bitch.

Yeah. You know, it's just like, let her talk and then we'll hang up the phone. And by the way, fuck her because we're going into space and you're never going to see her again in her entire life. Yeah. And you're in the closet. and nobody's just, you're hiding in a closet for no reason.

And then Lacey Shabair, they have a, like, a little brother, older sister thing going on where it's like you're reading my diary or whatever. And she probably is going off to do drugs, right? It's like her last night on Earth. Yeah, dude. And this girl skipping curfew and she's like, you know, but I'm going to the mall.

It's like, we know where you're going. She's sweating like a pig. I know exactly where she's going. Drug mall. Find some fucking crank as fast as possible. Space crank. Dude, some fucking Blade Runner 2049. shit, like the real stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Or fucking, whatever the, what's the name of the drug and dread that, like, slows down? Slow-mo. I was it doing slow-mo. I like that she goes and they're like, they're about to take off.

And then they're like, all right, we're just going to do a routine check. And she's like, oh, what? And they're like, oh, well, just, you know, you can't bring any, you know, foreign objects in space. I thought we were going to go from like a special facility. They didn't have, oh, mom, I got to go to the bathroom. Firmish!

Yeah. Could you just leave my stuff alone? Penny full of grace. It's her in the holo tube, man, or the cryotube? I can't go in the cryotube. I can't get just that cold. The temperature is very important right now. Oh, shit, and then they freeze her in the fucking baggy pops and she dies sleeping.

Danger, Penny. You're in real danger. That shit's going to, you're not going to come down for years. It's going to pop. Danger, Penny Robinson. The balloon in your ass is going to blow. Oh, the ass. We didn't need to say it.

Well, it's either in that hole or down your pie hole, man. Andrew cleaned that joke up. All right. So that's her deal. Yeah. But we also kind of find out that William Hurt is kind of an aloof dad. You know what I mean? He's busy saving the world.

So, like, Mimi Rogers kind of calls the complaints, which is her entire role in this movie, is to complain and wag that finger. Like, so much in this movie. So she calls complaints, and at this point, there's a bad press conference. You find out the original pilot has the flu. They call in Matt LeBlank,

and this is actually another cameo. The guy who played Major West is the general here. And this is the other guy, and they're just talking about he's now, he was actually murdered in his sleep, probably by a fucking mutant suit. Suicide Squad. By the way, any and all squads of mutants or mutant suicide squads. I mean, you're a mutant. You want to fucking put it down. You know what I mean? I think Gary Olman killed him, didn't he? Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, whatever like the corrupt task force that Gary Open is working for. The sedition, my friend. Oh, right. Excuse me. I forgot because it's never mentioned once you get past, once you get past like minute 10 of this movie. It's one of those things where you, they were clearly like trying to make it sound really bureaucratic and like take that hit against them. Yeah. But I also just forget what it's called.

Yes. Like the Borg, I remember. The, you know, lizard falls, I'll remember. Which is crazy because it's arguably done better than the Phantom Menace. It's the same, the Federation or whatever. Yeah, it totally is, but they just, they're not concerning themselves with it for the rest of the movie. Right, right. And, you know, so now very reluctantly Matt LeBlanc is on here.

He meets Heather Graham, who is Judy. Judy Robinson He hits on her immediately Very grossly In front of her father Yeah she's like Which is his move by the way She's like the doctor

She's the doctor on the ship And she's like you know How much do you weigh And he's like I'll let you know my dimensions Over dinner And then she's like No thanks walks away

And he goes to Will Robinson Or dad Robinson there Right yeah And he's old pa Robinson And he's like That's a cold fish I'd like to thong I'm like cold fish

Is that from the original show? I'm going to sea world Cold fish. I don't know what the levels of sexual tension were on that 1960s television show. I didn't get the temperature in the room. And then she, like, reveals that she's his daughter, and he's like, whoops. It's kind of great, it's actually like a pretty entertaining Heather Graham Byrne because she goes back over and she's like, oh, I got to do such and such tonight. I'm not going to be home for dinner.

Dad. Slam. And as Matt LeBlong's penis fucking goes inside him. he's so fucking humiliated it's great finally my daughter revealed yourself I'm surprised we didn't get a shot of

like Will and Mimi Rogers just sit in alone eating this dinner while all these other people are like fuck last night on earth yep no when he comes home on that dinner table it's a feast it's a feast there's a fucking cake with a rocket ship

there's a full uneaten turkey and then there's a pile of space spinach or something. Yeah. I think they did one of those things. I don't know what they're called, but it's like when you put ribs like in a circle or something. You know what I'm talking? It's like one of those roasts like a big fancy thing. A bloomin onion you're thinking of. You know what? You're right. I was thinking of a blooming onion. No, it's some sort of thing where like the meat is sort of stacked up. It sort of looks like a meat volcano. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of those like real fancy ass meat dishes and it's just there. It's also clearly plastic. I mean, but I'm with Lacey Shabar here, man. I'm going to be stuck on a fucking spaceship with my fucking family

and we didn't even think about anything else. So, yeah, I'm going to go to a horse with my friends. But here's the thing, is like, if all goes according to plan with this, it's going to take not a long time for this to happen. That's right, because what they're doing is... Well, it's just that it's a cryosleep thing. They're going to go through like this big wormhole,

like hyperdrive thing that William Hurt invented. Yeah. They're going to be in cryosleep for it for 10 years. They won't feel a thing. And when they get to the other side, they're going to be at this new planet. They're going to open the other side of this gate that they have to install. Sounds like a Stargate situation big time.

They can do all the horse they want. Her dealer coach person. Who's on the other side of that thing? She's complaining about this. But the whole thing, I mean, the way they make it sound at least at the beginning of this is like a long weekend. Total tops a long weekend. Like Columbus Day weekend.

Like that's all. You just go when everybody's got to. the Monday off you do this little thing you know and yes back on earth 10 years will pass and that's whatever but like but then all of her friends have cleaned by at this point now who's held in what is my question they all went to rehab and she doesn't know whose

stash is left exactly fuck you're totally right all right so she has every right to be upset about this she's like hey dad like what's like I'm interested in chemistry like how long to certain um crystals and substances like

do they deteriorate or like how can I put it like a refrigerator. Let's say it was some crystals that I boiled down from like a nasal decongestant. Do you know if any of the space grocers still have Sudafed? Space

grocers. Hey dad, on this new planet that we're going to colonize, what's the drug policy? Just out of curiosity. Just out of curiosity. Yeah, no, I am sweating again. Yeah. All right, so the Stargates open. Awesome. What about

so eight ball he's he's dead okay he's dead all right oh poor eight ball what about uh shaky Pete now shaky Pete's done like the first thing that comes through is like just some guy you're like who's this he was like no it's my friend Lenny no it's fine I call no I asked him to come on he's cool he's cool dad you'll like him Lenny come here Lenny the first in line Lenny I'm gonna see you come see my bedroom don't worry about that him scratching his arm don't worry about that that's just a that's a dad you should fix that the portal makes people itchy you know man you got anything well you're a doctor now

are you like a cool doctor no how loose are you with that pad get some fend huh so moving along we meet gary olman who's got a fucking ham sandwich it is now the entire the whole time

he comes out like you first see him on camera he's like what's that oh we're starting it doesn't you don't you hear I'm sure it was a dub because it doesn't even sound like him but it leads into another scene of him where it's just like where's my money

oh yeah oh ew it's bad man he's having too much fun with this movie that scenes on a hollow deck situation but they chose to meet in a desert yeah that's weird did somebody just see casino and they're cool what hell's going on

and so it's yeah Gary Oldman is the villainous Dr. Smith and he's a traitor to the cause I guess sure so it's like all right you're going to like fuck with this ship so it fails and then we're going to go there like basically

like the opposition force wants to go and colonize this planet before whatever this global alliance whatever the fuck exactly. And in case you couldn't read this there's literally a line where they say it looks like the Cold War is going to get a little hotter. It's 1998

Jesus To be fair it's 2058. Jesus. So yeah so he's Like, he fucks with the robot, he hacks the robot to kill the family, destroy the ship, and really just fuck the whole thing up. But this is what I don't understand about their plan, because, like, this global sedition still wants to colonize this Alpha Prime planet, this like Earth 2 situation. But if they blow up the Jupiter 2, which is the ship that they're all on and everything, then they lose William Hertz hyperdrive and the whole thing. So they're not going to be able to get to the planet to colonize it in the first place.

Maybe there's another ship that they have. question mark, maybe? Oh, that could be. Oh, it's like how Mickey Rourke and Iron Man 2, like his dad's technology was stolen by Howard Stark. Yes. It's kind of like that, like feuding factions of hyperdrive. Or I was thinking of John Hurt at the end of a contact where he's got the other ship. Want to go for a ride? Oh, God damn it. So, uh... I got these videos of Hitler.

So they are, uh, uh, Dr. Smith hacks is robot. The robot, by the way, It's very nice that they gave the original voice actor the voice again. Sure. But this robot just sounds like a crotchety old man. It sounds like, he's just like, hey, he's 72 years young, this guy is. Oh, was that right? Yes, and he's a danger, well, Robinson, danger. Danger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Danger. Will Rosbenson. Rosabin? Rodison. Robin. Robinson. Danger Dennis Rodman. Danger Bill Robinson. Yeah.

When that girl comes in, I need some more. I need something. I need a, I need me tea. Thanks so much. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger, danger, danger. Yeah, it's a sweet thing. I guess the whole thing was like, this is great.

They tried to give like everybody. Yeah. Like a cameo in it just to like, you know, hey, look, it's whatever. And then was it? The dude who originally played Dr. Smith, they were like, oh, you could have a walk-on as whatever, and he was like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't do walk-ons.

Either I have roles or I don't play. Fuck you, dude. How about that you don't play? Yes, I'll be in Sarasota this week at another comic book convention. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? Come on. Maybe you read the gorilla tits scene and it's like, you know, if you're doing that to June,

maybe I'm out. Oh, if they could do that to the sweet June Lockhart. What would they do to poor old me? I just also remembered another huge remake is The Fugitive. Oh, right? That's very true. Yes. And they didn't have to fucking cherry pick all those old guys to bring back.

Like, I don't know why the Fugitive was massively successful and required no bringing back. We didn't have like any of those guys just wearing ATF jackets in the background. I mean, maybe, but nobody's doing a podcast on it. Yeah. The old Russian lady, maybe she was in it. Yeah, I don't think so. So, yeah, we finally, 25 minutes later, we get in a spaceship and now we're getting going to get lost in space. Everybody goes, the space exploration outfits are a bit much for the ladies. Oh, the titsuits? The titsuits. These are some titsuits with varying cup sizes that appear to be quite precise. It's just like, for what? I mean, I guess it's because

it's 1998 and Batman and Robin Batman Forever came out we like nipples there Batman and Robin had just come out like they probably like had parallel paths like well we gotta get nipples we gotta gotta we gotta gotta show those honkers give those girls

the Alicia Silverstone do it now I guess so I don't know what this is a family film and these outfits like Mimi Rogers holy shit what am I watching right now it's kind of outrageous it's kind of really outrageous

and then it's weird There's a great, like, Matt LeBlanc's suit is like he's kind of got like some, like, pack space. Sure. But then they're definitely also accommodating for a gut of some kind. He's got this ill-fitting leather suit. And if all things, I was like, Matt Leblanc, he made his bones wearing a leather jacket. That's how he appeared on TV. That's how I know him.

Like, of all times, this is the third time I've seen him in a leather jacket and it doesn't fit. It's very disconcerting. It's weird. I was like, is this like sexy space pilot? just supposed to have this rotten beer gut? I guess maybe it was the guys

that he's filling in for. He's filling in from Robert Costanza, which is a big heavy dude. So, yeah, they're all dressed very sexually. They get into cryotubes and like Matt LeBlanc

is very not into this mission. He's like, well, I guess all the kids are tucked in and we're going on the family picnic, the camper or whatever nonsense. What he says to Heather Graham here before they blast off, He goes, is there room in these tubes for two?

You stop the first mission to colonize the next fucking world. Put the dick down, dude. Every exchange is a passive-aggressive, I want to fuck you. Yeah, and I mean, like, the world is dying. The world is very close to dying. 20 years. Yeah. 20 years were dead.

There's a great thing. That seems like an optimistic estimate at this point. Yeah, big time. There's a great thing when Matt LeBlanc is being signed the mission and he, like, doesn't want to do it. And they're like, well, we need to go do this. And he's like, oh, yeah, your new planet, hocus, pocus, or whatever. He's like, we're going to fix the world's problems with that recycling program.

And then the other dude is like, hey, that's just like a bullshit cover. That's not going to work. Like, we started those efforts way too late. Oh, so the info words, recycling is fake. Yeah, no, that's basically what this movie says is recycling is fake. It didn't help save the planet in this instance. That's sad. It is pretty sad.

But yet, to Kevin's point, like, wait till you get to the planet to try the fucking. And like, maybe start with light flirting. Like, oh, cool, you know, what's your, you know, oh, that's a cool sticker of that band that we both like. Let's start there. Nice titsuit. Well, yeah, don't start with the titsuit. Also, it's disconcerting the, I mean, the idea that he's like, hey, maybe I'll impregnate you. And then you'll be in cryogenic for 10 years.

Then no human being knows what's going to come out. Yeah, totally. that's actually terrifying if you wanted to crylessly pregnant yes you could be like a fly person like a baby half baby half heather graham no this is the beginning of the thing I think that's also fall from space and then that's the beginning of the thing meanwhile listen to chair bears in the back let's fucking go already we're supposed to leave we're supposed to leave we got to get that gate up we got to get the gate up I just want to get the gate up I'm drying out exactly somebody put me to sleep because this thing's

going to crash any minute now This thing is me. Did anybody see, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God, my God, my galactic methadone is where is it? Where the fuck is it? Where the fuck is it? Galactic methadone. So, they go, and they all go to sleep, and then Matt LaBlanc puts himself to, oh, I'm sorry,

after, before they take off, Dr. Simmons is like, oh, I, I, you know, it's Gary Lowe's like, oh, I stole, I hacked that robot. Now give me all my money. And he gets shocked by, like, this tricorder thing that. he's got. There's some dude who I thought for certain was going to come back into this movie. He's like Gary Oldman's like crawling through

vents like fucking die hard because he sneaks on the ship to manipulate the robot. It says like 16 hours into the mission you're going to kill the Robinson family. Like that's the thing. He's like all right I did it. Great. And he's getting back out and then this hologram comes out of nowhere and this dude's just like

oh hey by the way hang out you feel that and Gary Aldman's like what? And then he just gets electrocuted and passes out. So he's stuck, like, stowing away on the space. That was supposed to be the original Dr. Smith. And that would have been fine. You know what? That would have been fine for that guy. Yep. Nope. Nope.

Get him out of the fucking Coral Springs comic book convention. I don't know why this movie had to be a checklist. Yeah. Yeah. Because if they went in being like, you're only going to see this character once, and it's going to be this thing,

I mean, it's like checking up on your relatives or something. I haven't seen Aunt Glory for a while. I've got to stop by. Well, I feel like that all of these movies kind of did that. There was always like the nod to whatever. But I feel like set for

the successful ones. Yeah, I guess that's true. Like Martin Lando was an in Mission Impossible. He went to the premiere though. You ever see that video? No. Oh, it's my favorite, especially because now she's rotten garbage. Okay. There's a

clip. I don't know if it's on YouTube or not, but at the premiere of the first Mission Impossible movie, that fucking rancid human trash pile, Kennedy. Oh, right. Is on the red carpet doing her Kennedy VJ bit and Martin Landau

walks up and she's like, oh look, it's an old guy, what are you doing here? Martin Landau's like, I was in the television show and she's like, what? And Martin Landau goes off on her about like you're a journalist, you're interviewing,

reviewing people about coming to this movie, you should know your stuff. How could you be so ill-prepared on television? Oh, it's awesome. Back to you, Jesse. She starts crying, but it's because joy because somebody finally called her a journalist. Zing.

Yeah, so the cryosleep thing happens. They launch off, the robot breaks out, and Gary Oldman wakes up like, oh, fuck. And he's, like, running around and trying to deactivate this. robot and it is all for not his start yeah I'm going to kill the Robinson's

that's what I'm going to do here comes trouble he's in full Gordon trying to drive the Batmobile mode in this oh yeah I have to save him oh my god so yeah this robot starts like laying

waste to this spaceship and he's like fucking up all the pots. And here's the thing, though. I'm trying to remember, is it Prometheus? There's something, a more recent movie where it's like,

oh, a bunch of people died in these things. Yeah, that's a... Alien Covenant. Covenant, yes. James Franco dies in the beginning. He cooks up like a sausage. It's also Civil War. Oh, yeah, yeah.

All the other, the winter soldiers are all dead too. I was like, if you like futz with these things, you don't just like unfreeze and wake up, like, these people should be dead. Yeah, they should be dead. And also programmed a robot to be more, not start, put them on two. Like, he was like, all right, now I'm going to go and press this button and act and just kill them.

That's easy. And like, and hack into the computer. Don't start blowing shit up, dude. There's no need. That's what I don't understand. Go up with your little robot drill hand and like get into each one of their foreheads very quietly and gently. Now, this robot goes nuts.

He does. Zip it and zaffing everything. Just hit the air button and like, I'm a robot. I don't need air. Goodbye everybody. How about just turn it off? Exactly. Isn't there a plug somewhere?

Like, blow it shit up for what? It's like Fourth of July. And everybody's getting zapped and there's no skeleton zaps. And I was helping, I wanted one so bad. Oh, yeah, like a nice like Mars attacks type skeleton zap, totally. You need like a sixth guy. that gets eating it. And here's Ted, who's going to be, like, Matt LeBlanc's co-capted and is like, zapped, dead.

You'd think the first mission to the new world might have more than Matt LeBlock flying the fucking ship. That's the other thing, too. Like, there should be, like, 30 people on this ship. Exactly. Yep. For a lot of reasons. And two of them shouldn't be kids. Dude, this, because, like, it happens multiple times.

60% of the, of this crew is fucking less than 18 years old. It's insane. Like, there's parts where, like, Heather Graham's like, hey, uh, Lacey Shebert, fucking mount the torpedoes. I was like, what the fuck? She's 15. Just fucking mounting anything but her vlog that she has. Steve, did you notice these are, uh, chopping mall rules? What do you mean?

Because the, uh, the robot has quips. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. So, fine, everybody wakes up totally fine until weck it fresh. Let's go. Let's do it. Let's fight this fucking robot. And then I think it's John, I think it's John, I think it's John,

John Robinson is the one who like hits it or something is like that was a mistake oh that's right oh yeah what don't fucking tell you're making me remember the big one that's a big mistake oh fuck this robot starts having flashbacks he's an older gentleman maybe they just caught that because somebody brought the guy the wrong scotch or something that was a mistake oh use it we're gonna keep that But not everybody wakes up So they do Dr. Smith deactivates the robot But uh oh

Heather Graham is like stuck in her tube And can't get out Yeah And like we're trying to break her out And like Mat LeBlanc really quickly realizes That Gary Olman's the bad guy He's about to kill him

And he's like But do you want to save her? And it's like I'm the only man who gets Yeah Oh boy he's loving it This is also I feel This opposition forces big mistake here

because all Matt LeBlanc has to do is look at Gary Oldman's hand and he's got like the fucking burn on it and he's like, oh, well, that's just, that's the symbol of those dudes. You're clearly evil. Like, either don't let them do that to you if you're going to be a turncoat or how about put a glove on. Yeah. Like, he just has to look and he's like, oh, well, you're clearly part of the opposition party. Just be like, oh, dude, I got shit hammered last night. I can't believe where are we? Oh, my God. Really? Oh, man. I, what a mistake. I would love that. He passed. passed out drunk, that's the excuse. That would be my move. They also, like, just to press the evil, like, they low-key essentially press the idea that Oldman is a pedophile. Yeah. Because, like, the girl, like, first of all, we'll get into the grooming thing at the end.

Grooving, yeah, there is some grooming going on. Oh, yeah, actually, yeah. And but when, what's her name, Lacey is trying to get Heather Graham out, he keeps on going like, my precious. Oh, yeah. For what? For no reason. There's no reason for it. Yeah, well, I mean, Dr. Smith was always creep.

That was, that was, like, the joke of the original series was he was a pedophile, right? Not the joke, but the joke, like, no, I mean, like the post, the quote unquote postmodern, like, Shaggy was always getting high in Scooby-Doo. Dr. Smith was a pedophile. Like, those are the things we all say. Exactly right. Mrs. Poole was a serial killer. I'm going to say this. Wait, maybe not.

Maybe not. I'm going to say this. They maybe should have left that one in the bin. Yes, I agree. Maybe that. So they bring Heather Graham. This is the first of three times Heather Graham dies in this movie. Anyone else get a death count on her?

Because she dies here after a revival. And then she dies two more times in this film. Well, okay, well, we'll count them down when we get to them. Because I only got two in my head. So she dies here, right? And they're trying to do the, this is a medical death. They're like resuscitating her and stuff. Cool visual effect here.

I will give this movie. I know. I was like, when she's on the medical bay thing, They bring down like an exact medical hologram of her And you can see what's going on And then the laser is like just knows where to focus its power beam To like do basically like the paddles like clear kind of a thing It was like oh future resuscitation technology

That's not bad And then they rub that completely out by doing this fucking freeze thing Oh yeah man The 360 were all like frozen in time No man Penny's doing slow mo that's what's going Oh, okay. Oh, my sister's going down, man. This is a bad time for me.

I am just writing Penny Vision, the episode of Intervention with Penny. Oh, it's so good. In this bird you cannot change. I want my body for that trip. You're supposed to pay me. No, now! This is Penny Vision.

Penny has small bottles of alcohol hidden all around this spaceship. She has them in the robot. Fuck you, grandma. Yep, this is my morning. This is what I do before I go to work. I usually have one on the train. And I'll stuff them in the bathroom.

At my desk. I'm really lucky my cubicles right next to the bathroom. Usually by lunch, I've had five or six genitonics. Life after lost in the room. space. Oh, yeah, man. After the colonization, man? Yeah. Do you come down? It's not that exciting. At the same time, all of this

crazy medical alert shit is happening, the spaceship is getting sucked into the gravitational pull of the sun, by the way. That's a mistake. That's a big problem. That's a huge problem, it turns out. And Matt LeBlanc's solution is like, hey, you know what? Ramming speed to the sun.

And I was like, all right. Well, because, like, in this world, like, if you're doing hyperspace, you're actually going into, you're not going the speed of light, like you go into a kind of a different dimension sort of kind of. That's sort of what I was getting from their... Bullshit,

some sort of gait between stars. So he's like, oh, if we go through the sun, we'll make it. You know, it's like, I guess it's like if you put a lighter and you put your finger through it real quick. Yeah. But so William Hertz whole thing. It being the sun. It's exactly the same as thermal labs.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I kind of feel like, once you see the sun and you're in the gravitational thing, You're a puddle of nothing. Yeah, you're a puddle in space. Yes, it's puddle of mud. Yeah, because if you put your palm over a lighter, it's not like, oh, that's just fine. Yeah, exactly.

That's cool. I'll just move that forever. Well, it's one of those things like, before you see it, you're already dead. Exactly. It should be that. We're in the gravitational pull of the sun. Oh, by the way, I'm telling you this in heaven. Because we're all dead. We've all been long dead.

And so, you know, Matt LeBlanc says, hey, why don't we activate your hyperdrive thing? And William Hurd again reminds the audience that if you activate this, hyperdrive without the Stargate ends connected, you'll just land anywhere in the universe kind of a thing. And may I remind you, if I press this button, we may get lost in

space. But you also, we didn't bring up. Little Will has created a lava lamp, I mean, time machine. Yeah. And it's in the, you know, first stages, nothing, nothing perfect yet, but like it might, it might come

back. It might come up. wink. This kid, by the way, went to the Jake Lloyd School of Acting, man. This kid is terrible. Jake Lloyd's school of mouth breathing. Jake Lloyd looks like Olivier after this show. Oh, wow. This kid's career was totally duped by the kid who was the little brother on Malcolm in the middle. Yes, and I was thinking this was him. I, for the whole time, and you know what I was messing up with? What's that? Unfaithful. For no fucking reason. He's the kid in unfaithful. The Richard Geard Diane Lane's sex rom? That was made many years. years after this. Yeah.

I don't know what happened. Is that weird looking kid on that show, the middle? Is that him or is that another weirdo? Another weird looking kid. Jesus. Lord. Well, I mean,

is that a vampire? The show is 20 years after Malcolm in the movie. Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. I don't know. Put a cap on these weirdos, though. Jesus. So we go through the sun. Q the Sun.

Oh, wrong movie. And now they're lost in space. They're lost in space. Finally. Finally. We're lost in space. And William Hurt now, the second time in the movie, when someone should kill Gary Oldman.

He runs, he strangles Gary Oldman, because not only has Gary Oldman, A, tried to kill his entire family, B, killed his daughter, who was only luckily revived. And C, he's doomed the human race. Yes, the entire human race is now doomed. I think that's justifiable homicide. I'd be pretty miffed. And I don't believe it's a death penalty,

but doom the human race, different story. Sure. And it's actually kind of great, Because you get like a couple seconds here of William Hurt like manhandling Gary Oldman, it's not half bad. And he's like strangles like, can you do it? Can you do it, doctor? Can you kill the man without becoming the monster?

Right. Oh, yeah. And we're reminded several times in this movie that Gary Oldman himself knows that he's a monster. He just keeps, oh, and by the way, I'm a monster. I'm a monster. Oh, I'm a monster. You could definitely get away with killing him.

But like, it would have to be like the deaths in silence. It couldn't be like this quick. Here's a little injection in your arms. No, no, no. Everybody has to see it. I would just like decapitate him in the Times Or just put him on a cross right in front of the Pacific Ocean. Oh, just let the tide come in?

That's a great execution. That was my... Of all the executions in Martin Scorsese's silence, that was my fave. Letting the tide come in on those crucified dudes. I have a full ranking. We'll talk about it later. But his punishment is to be exiled to the bar. He gets locked in the bar. Pretty great.

Where he throws a temper tantrum. Yes, he does. And he smashes everything that could be helpful. And I don't know if anybody else noticed it. And it's so specific. But there's shit on the wall. Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you. What is it? Like quills? It looks like he's going to shit all over the wall. Because it's like you don't see him messing up the space, right? I don't know if it's a bar. It's like a lab or whatever.

But he's like, bruh, like having a temper tantrum. And shit's breaking. You hear all this stuff. and then another character goes in in like the next scene and if you just look in the background there's like shit all over the wall and I was like, what the fuck was he doing?

This guy's really upset. Maybe he was yelling for toilet paper and they wouldn't give it to him. I think that's the expression. I'm so mad I could shit and then throw it all over the wall. He's acting like he was in solid air confinement for like 10 years or something.

It's been 15 minutes. Yeah. I'm so glad you brought that out. Such a relief. So they wind up Now they're like Oh what are we going to do here It's one of these things where like

I kind of need to know what the layout of the ship is I need to know like how much food do we have For this many years We only have enough food for this many days Or this many years There's never a question of like Can we survive? Yeah they don't even bother

It's just like well we got to keep going Well you're just jumping from emergency to emergency Because as soon as you jump make this jump They find the space station Oh right They're on the... I'm sorry, are they on the snow planet yet, though? No, no.

First, so they find this ship, the Proteus is what it's called. So we got to spend fucking 20 minutes boarding this thing to check out this ghost ship. All right, good idea. Let's, all right. So now we are insisting on keeping this genocidal maniac alive. Let's go to this dangerous area. We don't know where it's going to go. Let's bring him along.

Me, how about you, me, my daughter, and this guy? And it's such garbage because Matt Leblanc, like, oh, yeah, you just tried to kill the whole human race. I'm not letting you out of my sight. And I was like, lock him back up in the fucking kitchen. Also, he lets him out of his sight all the time. Constantly. Constantly.

Like, immediately, as soon as they get on the ship, they're like, okay, you stay with the robot, who's the kid. Oh, right. The kid reprograms the robot. And now he's got this VR suit that makes him be the robot. Yeah, it's sort of like Pacific Rim. Can I tell you something? When we find out he reprogrammed it, what happens here?

And I don't, you know, I'm against hidden kids 100%. Let me just say that first. Thank you very much. But, but he, the kid, takes the robot and says, kill the Robinson fan, like as a prank. Oh, right. As a prank for his father who just lived through almost death. Oh, that's right.

You know what? The kid's getting beaten. I'm sorry. Or at least like a glare, like a rome. Like a real bad glare. William Hurt barely reacts. He's like, oh, it's you again. But also, like, I throw him in the room with Oldman.

You're going to get that fucking shit cage. Go clean the shit off the walls. Dude, he's a punishment. You're going to clean a grown man shit off the wall. Fucking kidding me. But also, like, yeah, I mean, like, this robot is an accomplice in the destruction of the human race. Oh, that's not the robot's fault, though, man.

He was reprogrammed. He was brainwashed almost. But I don't trust this little turd. Like, you're sure he got all the evil out of the same? that's actually true so they're aboard the ship and they're like looking around like here dad the safety's on like put that down

you know what I mean like that's how that works and they're walking around they find like a big terrarium this year why are their helmets all different than anyone else like why are they different there should be one helmet and that's the end of it yeah there's no consistency to anything in the design of this movie they've got like

some of them have like fishbowel helmets Matt LeBlanc has this fucking Roman centurion helmet but it switches up yeah Like it goes from a clear thing to the robot thing. It looks like how the Star Lord helmet comes on. Chris Pratt's head. Reminded me of steel. Yes.

Oh, yeah, it does look like Steel's helmet. Totally. And so they're running around this thing. They're like, oh, what happened to this ship? And like, wow, it's really old. It's like all this space dust all over the place. Steve's doing the finger move to look at the amount of dust on the wall. It's improv classes, man.

Money won't spend. You saw what I was doing without. Me lifting. Do you see that's object work? On podcasts? Question mark. Oh, man. That would be canceled instantly.

So, like, what's the point of this? iTunes review. They wind up. Audio quality. They see all these weird little egg sacks all over. They're like, that's weird. In science fiction, by the way, in any space travel, when you see an egg sack get out. Burn it.

Yep. Immediately. 100% burn. Set a fire and leave. Mm-hmm. Because fire solves everything. You don't want to be Billy Crud have put your whole fucking face in it. I like Alien Covenant a lot.

What's this? What's this sloppy, disgusting thing in the middle of hell? Yeah, that's foolish. He's bobbing for apples in that movie. It makes no sense. He's with the most dangerous man in the galaxy. He's like, well, your surprise is right in this egg. And he's like, well, all right.

Close your eyes. Keep them closed. No, people. Oh, don't worry if it moves But so then, like, Matt LeBlanc at one point Like spies something moving in the bushes or whatever And he sort of like reaches his hand out And I was like, huh, it looks like he just grabbed

Some very terribly rendered computer image And sure enough, here comes this monkey That is like straight out of Donkey Kong country Blorp? Blurp is the name Blarp. Blarp. It looked terrible. It is Conquers Adventures Or fucking Crash Bandicoot Reject It's the flying Microsoft logo

Like it's not even that It looks like The first test For Roger Rabbit They were like oh this doesn't work It was like so bad it was scary Yeah It just

It has no dimension whatsoever With the rest of the movie And it actually is useless Like this thing has no Much like many of this characters Has no arc whatsoever Yeah it doesn't pull lever in the third episode or anything. That's what it has to do.

It's like we're all doomed, we're all stuck or like pin down on something. Push the button, the red button. Exactly. He's like Blark! Yeah, exactly. And now this is just a nod to the series two, and I would have preferred the approach to the original Blarp, which was just a monkey with a hat

on. This hat is fantastic. I think it's called Judy. Debbie is the monkey in the original. Oh, is that right? Oh, my God, we went from Debbie to Blarp But it's a monkey And it's got like

Spock ears But it's like a monkey hat It's like the big old like Russian Like fur hats that you see people with But then there's ears on top of that You know Debbie but that's even a name Like Blorp It's like somebody burped in the writer's room

They're like yeah that's it It's a nod to the original audio engineer Debbie Blarp Oh Yeah that's it Oh man you could have just said that totally straight face, I would have been like, Ma'allel. There you go.

That's the mystery behind it. We had the monkey with the hat, but it killed three people. He was trying to get the hat on that monkey. The monkey, it kept throwing shit at Matt LeBlanc. First, it killed one them boondock saints. And it killed that Matthew Perry.

Oh, right, because Sean Patrick Flannery was supposed to be this role. And they were like, you look too much like William Hurts, so you're fucking fired. And it's like, figure that shit out before you tell this dude, he's going to be in a movie. Did you see my fucking head shout or what? Hi.

Like, fucking you, you called me. You called me. Now I'm fired. Like, what the fuck is your, where do you get off? You fucking assholes at New Line Cinema. Fuck you, Bob Shea. You may be on top, but you're not going to be on top for long. Mark my words.

I'm going to be in body shots one day. So, yeah, we go around, we watch a video. It's like the captain's log, William Hertz, able to jimmy it. And it's Lenny James again. And he's like, oh, we're still looking for Matt LeBlanc. I'm not going to give up on him. And he looks significantly older, too. Yes.

And everyone's like, what? That's weird. And now the spiders come alive and we can talk about spiders. Oh, my God. This movie should be all lost in spiders. There are so many, it's a space movie. It's a spider movie. It's a movie about spiders.

I think the whole spider thing, there's not anything to say. It's exactly what you think. They run from them. they close the door, the spiders get through the door, they shoot them and they get... Sometimes they can kill them, sometimes they can't.

The one thing that you can say because it's a choice cut shitty Gary Oldman line is like when they walk into the ship, they notice what turns out to be like the spider entrance hole and it's just like this blue square. It's like fucking someone's slung blue cum on the wall. And then like... Blarp is busy.

They look at it and they're like, oh, I don't know. They're like, oh, look over here. here and he's like, oh, just keep walking. We don't want to know what that is or something. To which, Gary Elbein goes, trust me, Major. Evil knows evil. And I was like, what is evil about that blue stain? Oh, that is evil.

I mean, it turned out he was right. But at the time, it's like, that's really dumb, dude. What a stupid thing. May I remind you, I'm a monster. Well, he's also like, oh, the drip, drip, drip of blood. It's like, dude, Gary, just take it down. Just stop it. Fucking knock it off, Dracula.

you see what everybody else is doing in this movie no one else is doing that Gary you're ruining it for everyone you know who would never do that William fucking hurt you're a piece of shit yeah exactly temperature of the room

exactly exactly it's like showing up to this podcast with a bottle of whiskey oh you read the temperature of the room so yeah these things start attacking them of course they're shooting them

the kid is they're cutting back because the kid is the VR Pacific Rim and he's like yeah he's like a big strong little robot boy but they big strong little robot boy the mom used to call me

and they keep cutting between him saying like dad the robots are behind you like and but they cut to like the old man like dad we got to go through here oh right because then the robots and starts talking like the kid oh stupid dad dad

dad dad danger dad dad is there is there absent in this taste delicious. Dead! The door. Dead.

Dead. Dead. So, yeah, they just like get chased out of the room by these things. They close the door. The robot sacrifices itself.

I got to see this robot go down. Yeah. It's like, you watch the kid kind of being like, no, no, no, you need at least sparks coming out of the back

of its neck or something. We get one quality arm fall off, which wasn't half bad. But like, again, to Steve's point, this robot almost brought about the end of humanity. I need to see it.

junked by these spiders just torn asunder. And there's a big plop, like, fuck, this hits like a sledgehammer later, but fucking one of the fucking spiders gets shot, and then all the other spiders start eating the spider. Oh, right. Oh, they eat their, they're wounded.

Oh, my God, I wonder if that's going to come back. Wow, what an evil thing to do. I knew they did that. I knew that because I'm evil and so were they. I eat my wounded. And Gary Elman gets bit by a spider And not only are these space spiders That can chew through metal

And don't need to breathe They're also werewolves Now he's a were spider the rest of the movie Like, okay What do you mean a wear spider Where do we see a full moon? Well no, I mean like he Just by being bit he will turn into a spider

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes Well much later though Much much like the fly Yeah, yeah Like it's slowly like it just the end of this movie man so they all get back on the ship and on their way out the spiders are chasing them even through space and they're going to destroy their ships and Matt LeBlanc decides to blow up the other ship which is the right move and fucking like William Hurt is disgusted by this and I was like no no no no and even Matt LeBlanc is like no your dad William Hurd who was a big like general in this space federation there was anyone gets to the name of the wars that they fought in by the way no the millennial war Oh, shit. Everyone was looking at their phone the whole time.

The Battle of the $9 cup of coffee. Avocado toast affair. But they are called the millennial war. That's something I'm just shoehorning. Oh, no, that's pretty great. I totally missed that. Battle of avocado coast. Oh, there we go.

So, yeah, so he blows it up. But in doing so, he, like, ruptures something, and the ship kind of starts to crash land. Right. So now we get on the hawth rip off. Good. Fucking finally. Now everybody can start fucking.

This crash reminds you of generations. Yes. Oh, brace for impact. Yeah. The greatest line Jonathan Frakes has ever delivered in his career. Bullhead, brace for impact. I loved it. It's great.

It's giving me fucking goose pimples right now. Yeah, so we crash on this planet and it's like, all right well let's get out and see what's up and they notice there's a bubble on this planet and the kid is like I think that's a time tunnel again will you please listen to me about time travel and they're like shut up turd

and apparently I've been reading Dianetics Xenu coming there's a there's some sort of like energy resource within this bubble and they're like oh if we could get that energy and put it back in the old

engine basically they ran out of gas and they can't get off the planet again is the idea. And they're like, all right, well, if we get this shit, we can put it in there, we can get back and maybe we won't be lost in space for too much that. But this is when everybody starts to meet each other. Yeah, it sounds exactly like, oh, I've been out of gas in Lovers Lane.

There's renewable gas over there that I put there. But for now, we're stuck. Oh, whatever shall we do? And so everybody gets down. Everybody gets down. It's kind of great. It's a weird. It's actually convenient for getting down because this planet is cold and the heat broke on the spaceship. That's kind of

convenient. And they mention that the planet is habitable by humans. They say those words. Yep. And so it's like William Hurt and Mimi Rogers are like pulling out this huge blanket. And this is a weird move because Mimi Rogers like they lay down in bed and William

Hertz like we could have died today kind of a thing and she's like, you know, I'm really glad to have the whole family under one roof. It's just unfortunate that it took, you know, this big tragedy to happen. And then it's like, by the way, I'm horny as fuck. And like, they just start fucking.

Yeah. It's really weird. Seeing my child almost die always gets me going. Totally. I didn't know I had a space spider fetish, but here we are. You never know until you try. And so they fuck. They fuck. And right as the

fucking starts, we cut to like the outside of the spaceship and they have a fucking the Walton's joke. Yeah, it's a bad one. It's terrible where everybody's just saying good night to everybody and then you just hear you hear a harmonica just like No, is there a harmonica?

Because then Matt LeBlanc is like, oh, guys. Are you kidding or something? He's disgusted by this Walton's reference and I was too. Oh, William, hurt. You haven't done that in years. Generation X needed to end. That's right.

Gave me the old space harmonica he did. It's the noise she makes every time, boys. This is this fucking Roseanne? Comet ping pong pizza pedophile. I'm crazy. And then that's when she comes in as the villain in the third act. She's the big spider lady. She's a spider queen.

What a casting misstep. Come to me, my minions. You cut the her, the Rosanne's, find her open and it's like, no. Better movie. Kind of a better movie, sure. A bunch of little John Goodman's eat her alive.

There is a weird scene where, and it happens, I don't know what this scene's doing in this movie. Penny has her own little, we've kind of alluded to it, a vlog. Penny Vision. Penny Vision, where she's like, it's her diary.

I wasn't sure if these are going anywhere or maybe they're, maybe it's a YouTube channel. I was like, is this a cam show? What are we doing? Is she getting tokens for this? Chatterbate. I mean, I just...

No, hang on a second. Justin just amazingly dropped Give a penny, take a penny. That's what this would be called. But I mean, like, anyone who's watching these things should be on a fucking list. That's also true. Oh, great outfit today, Penny.

Oh, what a good outfit. They smartly do not show the comments. Yeah. you know what the worst comic could be just the words upside down if i saw that it would be chilling so but she's like doing like penny vision she meets the animal and then she bumps into mat loblanc and you know she's like 16 he is majorly cute and then he winks at her and it's like dude nah dude he's like what is this doing in this movie it's right after he gets shut down by her older sister he's on the fucking prowl talk about the fucking

a werewolf in his movie. I'm serious. He goes right there and it's just like, it's like, you know, two years, isn't. It's only, it's only a fourth of how long you do you sleep. Countdown clock ticking. It was the late 90s. We loved that shit.

It just walked by and went tick tock. Ew. But that's what it is too, because he's just like, he winks at her and she's like, wow. Yeah, totally. Look at this hunk. No, but then he goes to Heather Graham, he's like he's like he pretty much just pulls his dick out he's again like he's this guy's got no time for like any kind of like let's build up what is she like maybe i'll impress her with

my knowledge you're just like you want to fuck or what he says my quarters are yours yes opening gambit and she's like oh you know blah blah blah you you you pigheaded buffoon well he's like hey man you we're the only two consenting adults on this shit but i'm like the word consent or adults of consenting age. And the of consenting age means, yes, he's got the other one on ice. He's figuring that out. Yep, no, exactly.

And what's fucked up is, like, she totally thinks Heather Graham that, like, maybe he's coming around because this starts with, like, she's upset. Yeah. And he tells this fucking dumb-ass thing about how, like, the constellations got started. Yeah.

And he's, like, sailors out on the sea found familiar star clusters to remind them of. Okay, can we just fuck? Well, that's what's great. And then this was weird again. He's like the constellation of Porky Pig, right? And then she plays along and is like, oh, and here's the large bunny bugs. And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And for a split second, she's like, oh, this guy might be somebody. Uh-huh. And he's like, now my quarters of yours. We made the little cute joke about constellations. Now let's get down to fucking. And it's kind of great because then she starts playing them. And she's like, how about you just fuck me right here on this table. And he kind of looks around and he's like,

well, I saw your parents pulling that huge blanket out. So I think they're going to sleep. Yeah, sure. Let's fuck on this table. And she does a classic pour the water over his head gag. Ooh, yeah. Cool off fly boy. That's how that works.

Get out of your cockpit. Yeah. Oh, there's definitely a cockpit joke. And by the way, we could die in six hours. Exactly. And by the way, don't get it in my fucking hair. Hey, the human race is dead. I'm not going to be aroused today

For as lecherous as Matt LeBlanc is Yeah sure This portion of the movie to me Is he's got the right idea This reminds me of like the ending of 28 days later Like with the focus is on repopulation Right They mentioned it's habitable

If If I was on this ship I would just be like Okay How do we get this to go. How do we start doing something? And that's exactly why you don't have one of these missions where 99% of the crew is a fucking family. Yep, exactly. Because it's, the math is tough. I've been trying to do it. Most people, most people are going to go LeBlanc Graham,

but that's a mistake. So, you know, I actually do LeBlanc Rogers. Right. Oh, I see. Graham Gary Oldman, and I'll tell you why. This is an impressive chalkboard. I've worked, it's the problem, your fundamental problem is a lack of non-roberton female and that's that you know okay right limiting your pool okay blarp yeah i know it's not everybody's it's nobody's best guess no but you have to give it a shot you know no then you get well i guess no you can't have dr smith involved he has to he has to fuck blarp then right uh or not dr smith uh dr robinson has to fuck blarp yes well he takes a mulligan on the first round do you want the monkey to barker no he takes he gets a buy round

But he does get June Lockhart with a sexy body To hold them over to second generation Got it Well, they work on Blarp Because Blarp is not necessarily a male I think that some of the spikes on his back indicate Oh, they call her, she's, it's a female Oh, it is definitely, I thought so, yeah

I knew that But I mean So start working on Blarp Yeah, start so I what do you mean by working on? Okay You just start, you slide the question and it was just like that Robert Danny Senior story, man. You want the monkey to fuck her? Yeah. I'm running around trying to make sure everybody's comfortable. Okay. If they're like, logistics, check, flights, check. And then it's

like, I'll get the rosé, check. And I'm giving Blarp sex lessons. And then maybe by the next generation, listen, it's not ideal. Yeah. But this is my idea to keep this thing going on. Well, civilization looks like all of the duds in alien resurrection. I mean, that's just the world we're going to live in from now on. just a bunch of eyeless monsters running around just dragging themselves on the beach and me be like I did it but to Justin's point maybe in a thousand years one of those things turns into something else who knows

I'm just saying when you're gonna have this we need to go to Earth 2 mission nobody can be related to yes it's too much trouble you don't want to be doing this fuck math similar ages too probably 40, 25-year-olds on a ship, and that's it. Yep.

Oh, Jesus. We would never take off. So the next morning, it's like, all right, man, here's the mission. We've got to go walk into this thing. It's basically like annihilation. We've got to walk through the void to get this, like, energy source and bring it back to the ship. So Matt LeBlanc and... Well, Kurt Russell has to get back to his family.

It's a misogynistical annihilation because all the men go through it and all the women have to wait. That's true. Drew, they're all sitting around fixing the ship. They do, the women... For one scene. The women do absolutely nothing from Huron to the end of the movie. They've not done much, but, like, you know, Mimi Rogers is shown to be like a tactician.

Like, she tells everybody to get their heads at, you know, you stop hosing down the bay with testosterone or I'm going to take command of this mission. She gives a good, like, I'm going to have the daughter, like, certify you and I'm to take over if you don't stop arguing. Oh, that's right, because hellagram is the ship's doctor. So it's like, you will be fucking bumped down so fast. That's it.

And then she's out of the movie. Look, almost entirely out of the movie. You would usually throw them at least one action scene where they get to do something. Exactly. But even when, like, Heather Graham is in the action scene, she's not doing anything. Like, what if there was some big, like, monster on this planet that while the dudes are off going into the void, like, they get the ship gets attacked by this thing and they fucking murder it. Or like, oh, yeah, like, oh, there's something else. We need to fly the ship to a different part or whatever.

Like something they can do. It's Will Smith and After Earth. Like they're just there like talking back and forth on the radio with them. Right. Because then even Will Robinson and Dr. Smith like sneak off the ship and follow the other two dudes into the void. Yeah. It's just dudes only man. So yeah.

Hurt and LeBlanc go into the void. They want to collect stuff. And Will Robinson is just walking around with this gun, right? Which makes me very uncomfortable. This gun is a lot. Yeah. And like it's a nice future. your gun control moment though because only me holding

this gun can fire it he says I was like Robocop. Yeah yeah it's exactly like Robocop. The little kid Robocop. But then instantly that all fails because Gary Oldman's like hey by the way you know I'm a monster I keep telling you but I probably should have that gun to help you out because I'm a grown up and he's like

you got it. And then he's like all right gun deactivate safety function right away. There's no like are you sure you want to do that? said the I'm a bad idea Danger Hey kid that guy over there

I don't like it I don't like it Hey I'm a gun now Hey fellas stop that Is that good enough Any and all Any and all appliances are voiced By 70 year old men

Yes I love that What a world So they're walking through this boy Do you want to quit this program Before saving or what All your progress and the game's going to be lost. Okay, you asked for it.

Deleted game. Turkey, hey, the turkey's burning. I'm a stove. The turkey's burned. Oh, the turkey's burned. It's an in-home studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's everywhere.

Everything is. You put too much fruit and yogurt in this blender. I'm a blender. Danger. Oh, Tony's in here. Hi, Tony. Hi, Tony. Hi.

Good boy. Oh, isn't it, Billy Stick? Where are Robitins? Bathrooms occupied. I'm a talking toilet. Hey, cars out of gas. I am yes, now I'm your car. So they're walking around and they find like a piece of metal that says Jupiter 2, which is their spacecraft.

And Matt LeBlanc is like, where the hell are we? To which William Hertz steals a line from Doc Brown himself and says, the question is, when in the hell are we? And you're like, all right. And nobody explicitly is like, oh, fine, we accepted time travel. They're just like, nah, that's still bullshit. And they're still walking through this shimmer. And they walk by and you hear Lacey Shabir's voice.

And it's like, she's saying something on repeat. It's like, my name's Penny. My name's Penny. It was a device that she had at the beginning of the movie where she was like recording herself, like making a list of things. Yes. And it's that. and it's on a grave of all three of them.

Now that's the second death of Heather Graham. I see. There you go. The three deaths of Heather Graham. It's kind of a weird moment because like Gary Oldman sees it and the kid's like, what's that, Dr. Smith? And he's like, uh, let's just keep moving. It's definitely not your family's graveyard. Don't worry about that.

That's a joke I'm playing on. Ooh, I'm evil. May I remind you of a monster. Yeah, I'm a tombstone. I'm gathering moss here. Maintenance. Maintenance. It's time travel, everybody.

Okay? It's time travel. Will Robinson. Just save your two boring hours. It's time travel. So now it doesn't even have to be electric. I just like to point that it no longer has to be electronic. It's now it can just be a slab of stone.

Yeah, well, it's the future. So all graves are electronic now, Justin. Oh, is it, though? Well, in the shimmer, everything blends, Justin, so... It doesn't have, like, the thing outside the delis that the hell of time is always wrong. Those things are never correct. And you're like, why do you have this? And it would just be like, deli, comma, meats.

Like, at the time, but an hour off. Cold drinks. Yeah, cold drinks. Hot drink. Cold drinks, hot drink. Yeah. ATM inside Yeah definitely

Promise we won't steal your pin So they go and they get zapped in the back Other people's pins Sorry They both get zapped in the back LeBlanc and William Hurt They wake up on a spaceship And now enter half of Jared Harris

Oh my God This is something to behold It's the weirdest thing This is the only part of this movie I remember not the dubbing, but the end of this movie is so bizarre that I don't remember anything else about this movie, but I remember this entire sequence. I had the exact same recollection of it.

Did you recall whether or not the theater was going wild for this conclusion? I don't think that they were. I think they lost the audience at this point. Everyone's like, really? I was going to say, I remember nothing. Absolutely nothing about this movie. So it's Jared Harris, and he is for some reason, by like some American guy.

Hey, guys. It's a fucking surfer dude, man. I don't understand what they're trying to do here. I think it had to have been a thing where it's like, and this is amazing that they fucking fired Sean Patrick Flannery from looking too much like somebody. But I think it's a thing where Jared Harris is just not that great at covering up his accent. Okay.

And it was like, you're supposed to be, spoiler alert, everybody, here we go, fucking Will Robinson 20 years later. and you don't sound like it at all. You sound like prestigious Jared Harris. Sounds like Army Hammer's father. Chester Hammer. Man, Chet Hammer. Man, old Chet Hammer, what a name.

Old man, Chet Hammer. I'm into it. Chet Hammer, there's so many things you could be. A private detective, an assassin. So, but I think it's either hiding the British accent, but I also feel like it's possible this movie happened and the tone of this last sequence is so bizarre. Yes, it's very off-putting that Jared Harris was too creepy.

Like, Jared Harris's actual performance was too creepy and the easiest thing because, like, yeah. They brighten the mood as, hey, guys, how's it going? Welcome to the future. Calabunga. I mean, hi. Maybe that's it. And I think both are in play.

Both could be possible. But what was the actual reason given? On IMDB, it says that Jared Harris was entirely dubbed because he didn't have the right vocal register. What the fuck is that? That doesn't make any sense. It's garbage. Is this a musical? Jared Harris is a phenomenal actor.

He can do anything except an American accent, I think. Or maybe they just dropped the vocal track in the to. Oh, no. Oh, no. Did that go in the toilet? Tell me that didn't go the toilet, Jerry. I fucking heard that splash. That better have been a turd and not my tape.

It was the tape. God damn it, Jerry. It was also a turd. I shit on the tape. I shit on Jared Harris's vocal track. Sorry, I lost Jared Harris's vocal track. But my cousin did Michelangelo's voice in the Ninja Turtle cartoon. You won't tell the difference.

It's the same thing. Tell me a story, Spider Dad. So, yeah, we got on the ship. And Dr. Smith reveals himself to be a big spider person in a cloak. This is Dr. Smith. From the future, though. Not Gary Oldman outside with the kids still. This is another Dr. Smith that has been on this planet with Will Robinson for 20-odd years.

Because we should mention, right after he gets scratched by that spider, there's a scene where Gary Olden's back on the ship and he's like itching himself. And he's like, oh, goddamn spider bite. And it's like clearly fucking gross. It looks like James Wood's fucking chest vagina. Yeah, I was like put a fucking gun in that, man. Or take a gun out, whichever way it works in that. movie. By the way, like, he doesn't know. Like, he's, like, itching his

back, and it's not like, oh, I have this weird fucking growth from the spider bite I got it. We need to check in with that, like, one more time before we get to, because this is a big leap, because this thing looks terrible. He has to notice it and then, like, knowingly cover it up.

He looks like a fucking studio jibbley character in this thing. It's ridiculous. In the cloak, he looks like he works at the Rainforest cafe, and it's not that bad in the cloak. It's very animatronic. like, hello, can I take your order? Welcome to the rainforest. I'm a big spider and a cloak.

Is that what? I don't think that's what takes orders at the rainforests. Well, I mean, there are... Are there anatronic things? Yeah, there are. They would explain why those things are in the toilet now, but... There are, but... Tucan and so on and so forth. They're not taking orders, though. Real people

take your order. And Spider-Man. Okay, good. But it's weird because it's like, remember me. It's me, Dr. Smith. And you're like, that's gross. And then now actual Dr. Smith, Gary Oldman, and Will Robinson come in? Gary Olman's got the gun. He thinks he's going to win the day. But then Spider-Smith throws him out the door.

He's like, I never liked myself anyway. Which I, believe me, I was laughing my tits off. Oh, what you're supposed to be doing. But, like, how stupid is that spider guy? Like, if you killed that dude, that's it, man. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Finito.

I don't know how that timeline actually. well because there's a big fucking flub with that later too yeah um so this whole thing is like the kid has grown up to be jared harris and he'll bunga jared harris yes excuse me excuse me cowabunga jared harris and he's used the core of the ship uh because it's they're also on the the same jupiter too right yeah and he's used the core of the ship to build this time portal flushing time toilets yeah it is a time toilet you're totally just swirling the whole swirling around. That's how they kill fucking Gary Oldman is put out of this fucking movie by being

thrown into a time toilet. Well, I wanted to flush this whole movie, so they had the right idea, I think. So he but he kind of goes over like, all the girls died. One day there was a monster that came and killed them. That wasn't Gary Oldman. Yeah, it looked a lot like a spider monster, but it wasn't that spider monster. This dude that I'm totally cool with who is indeed a spider monster. And so you got Jared Harris and he basically says like all right bros this is what's going to happen i'm going to go through

the time tunnel and i'm going to go back to before we left earth and make us not go and then william hertz like yeah but when you go through like we did the last time you could fuck it up and destroy earth and he's like oh heavy shit dad but also like i don't know earth is destroyed anyway i like this kid's plan you know what jada harris just reminded me of what's that if bill and ted and something happened if there was a sequel or another one but they brought up on another third friend oh right oh man it's like fucking bill's uncle jared harry i could get it in that movie oh i'd watch that sand deem is hi oh he's their cool science teacher oh yeah that would be pretty awesome you need a substitute and uh so like his thing is i'm gonna go back in time uh gary olman has been thrown out of the ship um

They gain control of the robot again. Like they get put in storage for some reason, right? Well, there's a whole thing where like little Will Robinson has started building up another robot. Got it. And then so when you're, when we go through the little time vortex here, it's 20 years later, he's finished this thing. And it looks a lot more like the robot from the show like is the gag. Still sounds like an octogenarian. Yes.

Oh, absolutely. Without question. So this thing's like, it's the same like vacillating between like, evil and not evil. There's a garbage, garbage line right here where this kid's like, hey, robot, remember what I told you before I left the ship?

And it was something about like, now remember, you take care of your friends first, right? Robot, you love your friends. Put that in your memory bank. And the robot's like, oh yeah. Yeah, love your friends. I almost forgot. I remember that episode of Barney.

Robot has no heart. Yeah, that's right. That's right. The robot totally says that, which is a nice throw it back in that shitty kid's face. So that's supposed to be Gary Oldman. That thing's Gary Oldman.

Is you sure? Okay. Will Robinson. So then, yeah, it's like you think this robot's going to kill him and then he doesn't. Yeah, he's very quick. Then Gary Old, like, I don't, I don't recall exactly how like William hurt and the rest of them like get out of there.

They get out of there. And then it's like, all right, LeBlanc, you take the kids back. I'm going to fight Spider Smith and save my son. And then this cloak comes off. And this thing looks like those fucking aliens in that Charlie Sheen movie The Arrival. They're just these, it's this disgusting spider monster and he's fucking talking a blue streak. The long neck is the problem here. That's what makes it look really fucking bad.

It just looks like a black praying mantis. Yeah. With Gary Oldman's face on it. And it's just flat on there like lawnmower man. You know what I mean? Like it's just like this big skinny head. They potentially could have got away with practical effects better. Yes.

Absolutely. If they just put a Gary Holman mask on that thing. Absolutely. And there's a moment early on in the movie. I remember making a note of this. I don't recall exactly where. but you're seeing, I don't know if it's at the very beginning or when they're looking at the one,

the proteus ship, the ghost ship. It's definitely a model. And I was like, oh, cool, like, we're doing some model shit. That's not bad. And it's like the only time you see it. Get me a James Cameron-sized fucking monster puppet thing. Come on. The relics already been made.

Just reuse that thing. Oh, right. It does look like the relic too. It's just like this big fucking stupid thing. And it hits William Hurd, like, three. three times, and he never gets scratched, never gets the spider fucking thing. No. He's fine.

He's 100% okay. But then he, like, cuts open Gary Oldman's balls. Oh, yeah, he slices him right in the scroats. He does. Because Gary Oldman is like, I'm pregnant. That's all right. It's amazing. Because he's like, I've got a big thing of spider eggs in my belly, and I'm going to go to

Earth, and it's going to be a planet of spiders. What? And I was like, wait, this is the end game? My God, that's dumb. Do you notice that he has a weapon that Young Will made from his awards? Oh, right. He fashions like a fucking trident out of these like science fair awards that like kind of scratch him. But then ultimately, that's what he uses to cut open.

And then the big callback, oh, yeah, they eat their wounded. And these spiders just consume his Gary Oldman computer face. I wish, but they, it's just like them crawl. It's like a reboot, like turn off thing. Yeah. Like if they crawl over his face, he's just like, eh, eh, and then he goes in the toilet. Well, he gets shoved into the toilet. And then he like kind of falls into the time ribbon and gets destroyed.

Yeah. By the way, making these weapons, like, are we saying like an alternate reality, this is we need to talk about will? Oh, yeah, maybe. It's really disturbing. Well, he's a science genius and he's also a weapons expert, man. I don't know. It fits right in. I don't know what training this kid's had.

You don't know. He's like, Dad, Dad, come on. We can, so like, oh, I'm sorry. It's great because here comes the third death. They're like, yes, this is my favorite part of the movie. Because Matt LeBlanc's, uh, blah, blah, blah, William Hertz, like, you know, everybody leave. Don't wait for me. You just guys go.

Right. And Matt LeBlank gets on the ship. And like, where's dad? Like, we have to go now. We're going right now. They go and a rock fucking hits them and they all explode. thus the third death of Heather Grand. So she has died three times in this film.

And now Tommy Lee Jones is really pissed off. So then it's like, oh, whatever shall we do? And Jared Harris actually activates the time tunnel at this point. And he points it back to the bridge of the spaceship, like before they take off. Dudes, I've got so crates here. It's very important. You don't take off. You're going to be so fucked.

Station! Oh, man. Yeah, the prime opportunity for a station cameo, not for nothing. Ew. And so, like, they're looking down, and it's this weird moment where, like, Mimi Rogers is looking up, and she's like, is that my son 25 years into the future? And he's like, hey, mom. Good you see you all together again.

Sorry, I can't stick around. It's exciting off from a YouTube video. Hey, Will, stay in school. Robots are done, man. But that's the weird thing. It's not a spaceship that, like, it's not a time machine wherein, like, William Hurd has to go in and it only has one seat. It's a hole.

And, like, William Smith. William Smith. William Hurd jumps through the hole. And he's like, Will, like, literally just jump through that big hole. And he's like, I can. It's only built for one. It's a fucking hole. No, but what it is, I think he sort of explains this and what I can kind of connect it

too is like you know in in back to the future the first one where he has to put like the plutonium in the thing sure and it's like one plutonium canister like per trip sure that's what this he's like there's only power for one thing but that's a car that he could be in but this is a hole but it's like but it's like a beam it's like a time beam that's powered by whatever you're you're gonna look like the unlucky baboon if you fucking go through that thing I think but also you're on death planet anyway the planet is exploding give it a fucking try that's actually true. I'd be like, Dad, if I come out, only half a man screaming, just

shoot me, but all right! Well, maybe that's part of it, man. Dude, how fucking great would that be, though? If he jumped through this thing and just, like, viscera came out the other side, the family gun covered. It's like a fucking 1990s Peter Jackson horror movie. I'd be okay with that. That's, I mean, like, versus, like,

certain death or jumping through a time hole that's purely theoretical anyway? Will jump! It's like a fucking Gallagher concert. I'm going to say you can't do this on television. They all get sliding. Or alternate, he jumps through and he's a crystal statue.

And it's like, wow, that's weird. Huh. Of all the things that could have happened. All right. Didn't guess that. Okay, because you, no, he has to die. Because if you let him in, as soon as he gets in there, this fucking idiot, stoner dumbass. Stoner dumb ass.

He's going to touch his other self and then we're all dead. Oh, that's your time cop rule. We don't know what the time coping situation. He's just going to smoke weed with Penny. I also think if he goes through and gets eviscerated with the blood, the comedy ending is Penny. She wipes her eyes of the blood and goes,

Space sucks. Credits. But that's fucked up though. You just reminded me, though, when they're taken off and everybody's in that spaceship and it fucking blows up, Jared Harris should be erased from existence. Oh, yeah.

Right? Is that, yeah. That's, that's, That, that's the thing. You know what I mean? I mean, don't overthink it. It's time travel and movies, I know. This was fucking written by Akiva Goldsman.

That's all fucking know what we're getting into. If he would be erased from the timeline, then the only thing that you would see that is him and the spider in pictures. Right? Oh, Christmas, 2005. Yeah. And the spider getting presents and he's disappearing. Well, that, I mean, Steve, do you want to bring it up? Because this is all, this is the grooming.

This is, yeah, this is Chris, Chris Cabin. Don't put my name tag on this one. Well, they do. I mean, like, he has been slowly like, you are going to be perfect. This is what we want. Yes. This is what we want. They're like a weird team at this point.

Yeah. He calls him like Old Spider. It's like a thing. Well, then it's kind of awesome, though, because this whole time you realize that he's been working against the spider because, and this is, it's a flub on spider Gary Oldman's part, clearly, because not his first, probably on his lap. He's not perfect, as I've heard, he's a monster.

But no, I guess this is the first time ever that this creature looks upon the time tunnel and he's like, hey, wait a second, that thing's way too small for my monster ass to fit through. He's like, wait a second, are you just building this for yourself? Wait! It's like, if you want to enact this plan for world domination to lay your eggs all over Earth or whatever

the fuck you're going to do. Why don't you supervise the construction of this time portal? Yeah. He's like, he's like, hey, wait a second. That looks pretty small. Look at my big spider butt. Well, actually, that's the prankster that will. That begs the question, which looks more ridiculous. Gary Oldman, Spider Gary Oldman, or Darkest Hour, Gary Oldman? Oh. You know what? Still Spider. Yeah. It's just, I mean, come on. It's close. But the one thing is, so they're all Matt LeBlanc is running back, and now fucking actual real Dr. Smith has killed these people 15 times, destroyed the human race, and has betrayed them at every single term. Every chance he gets.

Man, woman, and child. They pick him up and put him back on the ship. Like, I understand you don't want to blow this guy's brains out. Maybe you don't have the guts for it. That's fine. That's all right. I have the guts to leave somebody someplace. Absolutely.

It's the Batman rule. I don't have to save you. I don't have to save you exactly right. Hey, maybe you can find another spaceship before this planet blows up more. I'm not killing you. Go build a spaceship. Fall out the back of this subway car. I don't care.

But, dude, my God, why on earth would you bring this guy who is a homicidal maniac? He has no redeeming qualities. He has only tried to kill you every single time. And he, to his own peril, has to, like, swing across and get him. Yeah. Yeah. Gene Hackman in the beside adventures. He's really putting his life on the line with this guy.

Oh, and by the way, he's actually. infected with a spider disease. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. By the way. He still has it. He's going to turn to a, it's a matter of time before he turns into a spider nightmare. You saw, like, you got a fucking spoiler alert. Exactly. This is what's to come. Shut it down. Shut this shit down. It's real easy not to pick him up. And the, the only thing that, like, the only retribution that happens here is Matt LeBlanc does the, like, pop my fist back and punch him in the face thing. Sure.

And then, like, he goes back to piloting and, like, that's the gag. Gary Oldman very comically, he's like, and falls down. Okay. Like, cut his head off. Tit for tat. Yeah. I wonder how that kid handled knowing that he'd grow up to look like Jared Harris.

What happened to my voice? All right. See you guys later. Cowbonga, the Great Eternity Divide. Yikes. so then and this was quite startling yeah because i had never seen this quite startling because movie's ended 15 times at this point it's ended 15 times but then it doesn't have an ending yes because they're like all right cool uh like william hurts like all right trust me you can't go

up there's not enough thrust like trust like trust me it's not going to work out and they're like well what are we going to do and he's like well as the planet's breaking up we'll go through the core and out the other side. Luckily there is this one direct hole all the way through the planet that I can fly through perfectly. Yeah, so he like Han Solo's his way through that and they like get out of the planet and whatever and they're like, all right, cool, the day is saved. Luckily, we've uploaded all the coordinates from that last ship so we know the coordinates to go to hit the Alpha Prime. At the Alpha Prime planet and they're like, all right, cool. Pew! Credits. And I was like, Wait, hold on.

Yep. Was the Netflix stream broken again? I mean... Finally, the movie is over. And it is just a totally, like, see you next time on Lost in Space, not a chance in fuck. It doesn't even have the confidence

to do the, you won't believe this ending. Right, it's just like, let's just get out of here before somebody notices. This movie Irish goodbyes itself. It's over before you're like, where Sam go? I thought of you were...

Oh, okay. Okay, all right. Two for the diner, I guess. Two of us, all right. All right, those three of us. Okay, two of us, all right. Let me ask you this, Joe, Justin. Your Irish goodbyes, do they include holding up a boombox and playing the Crystal Method?

Oh, only two of them. Okay. Okay. No, that's a fair. Because this movie, it's all been score this entire time. Right. Soaring whatever the fuck. Sure.

Beo! and then it's like the most distilled like 90s music video filters over these credits and we're doing I don't remember what it was but recently on a movie we were talking about they did this same thing where you're playing dialogue from the movie as lyrics to the song but it's also so distorted it sounds like the Star Trek the next generation pinball game where it's like, that's right, Johnny, here we go. Like, it's just like that,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, exactly. And you're trying to make it, like, a rock song. But it's also, it goes through the whole, like, the whole, the soundtrack was the score. Yeah. Chemical Brothers. Or no, not, uh, crystal method, Juno reactor, propeller heads. Like, all these, fucking, everything but HUD's secretary, um, um, well done.

Flat, boy Slim's on there, too. Fat Boy Slim is on it, and I'm just like, what, this is, what? And some, at some point in these credits, it turns into like the rock and roll version of the old theme song. Sure. Because all of a sudden we're singing Lost in Space,

like over, I can only imagine that's like derivative of the theme song from the 60s. Lost in space, point in bar, but it just sounds like it takes place in the trunk of a car with a stereo or woofer. It's like, dude, will you please pull into this Burger King

parking lot so I can open the fucking trunk and we can listen to this. All right, you got the door open, you know. Babysitting mission, the babysitting mission. Uh-huh. Oh, it's all awful.

And then I think the last line of lyrics or whatever in the song, it was a dialogue because it is dialogue. It's Lacey Schaber saying something. And all I can think about is Justin saying space sucks. Space sucks. But it's just, yeah, it's just her.

being like, I don't want to be in this movie. Like, whatever the line is. I didn't finish all the way to the credits, but I bet that it did that old TV turning off, collapsing into the movie. Oh, nice. It didn't. Because, listen, I'm just trained to stick around for stingers these days.

You never know when an old movie's going to have a stinger pop up. So I hung out. Because, you know, especially since this movie has no ending, I was like, well, they got a set up fucking something. Like, Gary Oldman's in the sick bay, and a fucking spider arm comes out. back or some shit. Nothing. Don't worry about it. There's nothing at the end of this movie.

I think they knew the score coming out of it. I think they were like, there's no way. Do you think that's why they didn't try with some of the visual effects? Because this movie looks cheap as shit. Oh, maybe it was the thing where like, oh, we could, you know, we can make this movie look okay for $10 million more. I was like, yeah, that's okay. Yeah, don't worry about it at this point.

I think that it correlates, the visual effects, I think, really strongly correlate to what Steve was saying about the dubbing. Yeah. There was a lot of we it's deciding what it is as it goes along yeah yeah i would say it feels like this movie has 20 years worth of computer generated graphics and special effects yeah scene to scene like it looks like barry linden and then looks like the prequels and then and then looks like star track at old like the actual tv show yeah rocks that you could see when they step on they squish totally

it's it's so i feel like it's almost like everybody had their own little piece to work on and everybody had their own budget. Nobody had a fucking meeting at any point that was like, all right, so what are you guys doing? What's the look you're going for? Because we're doing this. Oh, all right. So you're like full on papier-machet. Got it. Okay, cool. All right. What we're working on is we're working on Blorp. And really, spoiler, he looks terrible. The idea is we want him to look terrible. It's like not all offices and companies have the same like breakfast. sometimes you get a company

they get a good breakfast just a couple of shitty bagels well we worked on mortal combat we just got a contract for son of the mask it's going to be great oh wow

oh god and that's the end of this rancet movie would anybody recommend it no no it's two hours it's three episodes of something it's I don't know what it is three episodes of a canceled television

and Matt LeBlanc is terrible Heather Graham is fine you know go up to cast and I like most of the cast too you know and it's not a bad cast I like Matt LeBlanc I'm totally fine with him

it's almost to watch it insofar this movie is so fucking 1998 this ship looks like the TRL set like you know what I mean but it's no it's not recommended no if you want to watch three episodes of a canceled

television show just watch episodes we didn't like movie is terrible we didn't really talk Like, this is essentially, like, this is like a first draft of interstellar. Yeah, yeah, kind of. Like, it's trying to get back to your kids. Like, it's a family movie before it's a science fiction movie, which is a huge problem, I think.

But absolutely, not even for that curiosity. It's absolute dog shit. Do not watch it. I mean, yeah, obviously, no, don't watch it. I feel like if you just went whole hog, like this is a family film, that would be totally fine. And it kind of almost is, except for all the times Matt LeBlanc's tugging on his dick in this movie. Yeah. And Gary Oldman in general.

Yeah, no, it's just, yeah, and then all the creep shit with him, that's weird and kids out. So if, like, you tone that stuff down, you have, like, a perfectly serviceable but bad, and I don't give a shit because it's not for me science fiction film. Yep. No, it should be a kid movie. It should be a movie for kids. I mean, I feel like that show, you can put kids in front of it. It would fine, the old one. I don't think this new one appears to have, like, a harder edge to it.

It's more like clear, like it's very well-written, but, I mean, it looks like whatever. What's the next television show from the 60s? We're going to bring back and try to make important. Well, when did? Well, no, Magnum Pia was 70s, 80s. Yeah, it was the 80s. Are we doing that now? Yeah, we did lethal weapons, a movie, and now it's a TV show.

You got a-oh, right. McGiver was a TV show for a little bit. Oh, they tried real hard for that. I saw a lot of expensive-looking billboards in L.A. around the time that was coming out and I was like, you're wasting your money. I'm trying to think of other ones.

I can't think of, I mean, because this went on for that Starsky and Hutch movie. Oh, right. Oh, my God. Unbearable. Are the Adams family

well and truly dead? They've got to be coming out. They've been talking about remaking that for years. They tried to do that thing with like Jerry O'Connell and it got canceled before it even went to series.

Oh, really? They did an Adam's family thing. No, no, I'm sorry. It was the Munsters. The Munster. Oscar. was attached. Oh, to the

Adam's family. It was supposed to be him and Eva Green was like the dream cast. I would have watched that. What's wrong with people? Because the Amstaffirming movies are good. I'm putting that out

that they're both good movies. Yeah, so it is possible to do this. Sure. Just don't have it be baby shit. The fucking first mission possible is amazing. That's true. Yeah, that's true. So it's been successful.

Steve loves the saint. You can see his tattoo. It's just the Thunderbolt. That is Lost in Space directed by, Stephen Hopkins. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at HeadGum, right and review

the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. Facebook.com slash We Hate Movies at WHM Podcast on Twitter. Steve Sadek, what do we got coming down on the pike next week? We are going really early into the 90s with Airborne. And this is what now? It's a kid who

I believe he's from California. He's a really cool rocker dude. Cowabunga dude. But he goes to Cincinnati. Oh. And then a bunch of of people that are more successful and famous than him are bullying him like Jack Black and Seth Green. Oh, shit. And they're all just like eating chili with spaghetti underneath it.

A lot of skateboarding. It's a skateboarding film. It's not rad. It's not Josh Prolin and rad. It's airborne. It's a much worse movie. Oh, fair enough. I was like, all right, it's either skateboarding or rollerblades.

It might be, actually. You might get both. Yeah, I think you get a little bit of both. So until next week when you're going to get a little bit of both, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadek. Just in case. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.

That was a head gum podcast.