We Hate Movies - S8 Ep353: Episode 353 - Airborne

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

On this week's episode, it's a We Love Movies situation as the guys chat about the totally tubular rollerblading romantic drama, Airborne! Were this kid's parents actually going on a science expedition or were they running away from the Tax Man? Why did we need the "I'm Too Sexy" montage? And here comes Mrs. Poole! PLUS: Liam Neeson and Al Pacino go back to high school! Airborne stars Shane McDermott, Seth Green, Brittney Powell, Chris Conrad, Edie McClurg, Patrick Thomas O'Brien, Jack Black, Alanna Ubach, and Jacob Vargas; directed by Rob Bowman. And we're super-stoked to debut a particularly rad cover of our theme song—originally written by our friends in Hurrah A Bolt of Light—that was sent in by Kevin from San Pedro. You can check out his bandcamp here and find him on Instagram @kevhauntsthemachine! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, ah, a bit of a relief, something I could actually sit through without throwing up. Because Tim Allen probably wasn't in it. Yeah, probably not. It's Airborne. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin.

And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to our fine little show here. The whole gang here to talk about Airborne from 1993, directed by Rob Bowman. Now, Rob Bowman. He's got some credits. Does he? How about this?

He was a big... Archer. Big so-and-so down at the X-Files Factor. Really? Yeah. And directed that first movie, but then also directed... Sounds like Deep Canada to me. Previous episode, Rain of Fire.

Oh. Friend of the show. Friend of the show, Rob Bowman. Electra? Stay tuned in a house. Oh, this guy's terrible. So here we are. We're talking about this movie.

this is sort of like a famous 90s movie that I didn't see until last night. An amazing 90s movie. I saw this countless times growing up. Steve Say that. You know, I don't remember, I think it was just on cable. That's my guess. It was on like an HBO situation.

Probably. I had seen parts of it, but I do have to issue a correction. I said it was a skater, a skateboarder movie. It is not. It is a rollerblader slash surfer movie, I guess. And rollerbladers,

and skaters. Bad blood, my friends. Oh, yeah, dude. Don't want to go into the wrong neighborhood wearing roller skates. They make allies in this movie for one montage. Well, that's the weird thing. It's like, you know, Lord's Dogtown skateboarding versus, you know, you're a surfer and then you go on the ground. He starts skateboarding. Right. That makes sense. Inline skating and surfing seem a little bit not sympathico to use a 90s terminology. Snowboarding. Where's the snowboarding? Well, that's him in the winter airborne two winter retreat.

He arrives in Ohio in the winter. I need more X games in this movie. Yeah, you could have done it. Maybe he invents snowboarding. Oh, fuck. He brings that stupid surfboard and they're like, hey, man, you can't serve here. Wait a second, though. Were we given a shit about snowboarding in 1993?

Maybe not. Maybe that's the problem. I think we were just beginning to. I don't recall when the world started to care about snowboarding. I never started, so it feels like around there. This was around because I read this, I think it was in the trivia. This was around when the first, like, X-Games was happening. This is a total tie-in movie, man.

This whole thing is a fucking sham. And I feel like X-Games really took off when snowboarding became popular. And do you think you would be able to notice Sean White in the street? No. No, no. Today, no. Yeah. Back when he had the hair.

Back when he had the mane of hair. Yes, I would have. Absolutely. I would recognize Sean White in the street. I'd be like, oh, did you serve me drinks last night? Or is that that guy? I mean, he could be tending bar, but also he's like a total. rich snowboard also cabin i will say do not forget about the contributions of people like tony hawk also

who came who came well before sean white but i'm saying sean white at this point he looks like he belongs in the the boardroom from american psycho yeah sean white shon white yes now yeah he's cleaned up at the time of this movie i think he was in like fourth grade but when he was you know famous with his long hair doing his sports stuff he looked like he belonged in chairman of the board well done because he looked like carrot top yes I got it oh thanks for spelling it out he went out he looked like carrot top

yes he wanted a dating site and someone said he looked like carrot top he looked like carrot top indeed now here was something this movie wide release put out by Warner Brothers actual like film company here that hasn't disintegrated into the ground

yes this is a real movie did anybody notice though I thought something was wrong with my Amazon stream unusual long hold on the Warner Brothers logo. Oh really? It was a real like suck it in motherfuckers. Here comes a Warner Brothers. You got icon entertainment. And then icon entertainment of course. Very dramatic. This movie is about because everyone's seen it. It's one of the most famous movies of all times. It is about all time. No, it's about a surfer dude from California for reasons has to live in Cincinnati and then falls in with multiple wrong crowds and the only way

to get out of it is rollerbladen pretty much he also does things like fall in love uh-huh and fall down a lot a lot of falling a lot of eating shit in this movie competitive rollerblading is really that's the thing he has a problem with no that's the thing is he learns to become a man by abandoning his principles yes and deciding to join in with what the wrong crowd is doing as in pranking people shoving people being intensely competitive for no real reason even after you've proved that that your way is the better way. Exactly. Because here's the thing.

Odd journey. If anything, bring a Cincinnati guy to California. Oh, yeah, that would be a fish out of water. There you'd be like, where's the sausage? That's exactly what that was going to be my joke. I don't need a coat. But go ahead, Steve's right. There's that point in high school when you like have the Matrix look.

When you see the ones and zeros, you're like, oh, none of these people matter at all. Right. But like anyone who thinks they're hot shit, like a bully or whatever, you're like, Man, I don't give a shit about you at all. But I feel like that takes until senior year. Exactly. But this kid's got it. Five years after graduation.

Or unless you're horny. Yeah. Then somebody begins to matter. At least one or a couple. You just see the matrix code's all 69. They all just get a lot bigger. Well, I mean. Mr. Anderson, why are you looking at me like that?

Bow, chika, wow, wow. Mr. Anderson, put it in my mouth and I'll put it in yours. That's exactly a 69. The oracle has prophesied this, Mr. ORL. Thanks for spelling that out, too. It's a real fucking spelling bee today. You like oral. I think, though, part of it is this kid has just resigned himself to,

and by the way, we should say, he moves to Cincinnati to stay with some relatives while his parents, they're getting, they're scientists or something. Hashtag tax trouble. Yeah, the story is some zoological foundation gave them like a research grant and they have to go to Australia for six months,

aka until the heat dies down. I'll tell you why this is a tax scam. You know about a grant that you've like applied for it that it's going to come down at some point. They act like they just fucking found out about this thing. Yes, exactly. They need to leave tonight. Yeah, they've got to go.

Yeah, it's the federalis coming grant. And to add insult to injury, not only he's going to be taken away from his beloved ocean and sand. Yeah. He could have gone to Australia with his parents, which is apparently the best beloved ocean in sand. Well, dude, didn't she see fucking point break, man? Yeah. Patrick Swayze's flapping his gums about Australia.

He was going to go meet God there. Then he goes and he kills himself. No, I think he makes it. Counterpoint, what if he makes it? God v. Brody. Yeah. Brody is God. That is the saddest part of Patrick Swayze passing so early because you get point break too.

It's like it's Johnny U. like working in the field office or something. Yep. And he gets a call and oh shit, it's Brody somehow. Oh my God. And he goes meets him on a beach and he's like working on a boat like Shawshank Redemption. Yes. Totally, dude.

Wait, did anyone see that remake? Oh, I did. Oh, no, you missed it. Do they replace surfing entirely with other extreme sports? It's just all extreme sports. So it's like this actually. Yes, it's closer to this. But it's like all, it's mostly just to get like really good cameras.

to shoot really cool stunts. That's kind of the whole point of that movie. They're stealing cameras to film their own crimes free. Oh, dude. What a rush. We just went to Best Buy and fucking rated it. Suck it GoPro. Suck it hard.

What was I going to say about the parents, the whole thing? Oh, well, he knows that he's going to just hopefully pending, you know, the investigation and their fucking capture and whatnot. Sure. He's planning on just returning back to Huntington Beach in like six months. So I think he's, like, fuck it. Whatever makes this go by the fastest, the

smoothest, the easiest, I'll do it. If that means pushing around people, fine. If that means making Seth Green hate me, that's okay. But also it just doesn't make, like, why not bring him to us? You can't put him in a school in Australia, of course? I don't know those credits count. They don't have schools there, guys.

Oh. And then he comes back, try to get back into the school system here. Yeah. After six months there, the kid doesn't know who Abe Lincoln is. And you got to, Listen, if you're going to be an American, you've got to know who A Blinken is. Definitely. That's what you do on a president's day.

You shove something. Hey! You know where a Blinken is? You better. Keep it up. Start throwing $5 at them. Easy need you, president. Good.

You did good. Secondly, is a vampire hunter. Never saw that one. I did. I don't remember it because I was out of my gourd. Sure. Yeah. I believe I was in the same state.

Oh, yeah. I think you were next to me. he's got an axe I think yes he does I'm gonna bring this back to Airborne this is one of those movies with the deleted scene every four minutes of this kid's smoking a bowl

that's the thing where is the fucking weed where is the weed that's a good question because it should be everywhere because he should see this dude smoking jays eating brownies dropping tincture

that's the beginning of the movie is him and his buddy and they're like oh let's go surfing and it's like just him and this rando dude who you think he's going to be somebody. It's like, serious? Definitely. And they go and they start like surfing and then they start rollerblading as well.

They're doing all sorts of stuff. You guys hit them smoking some bones. Noted Californian word, manana. Oh, you know, yeah. Oh, you don't do you. Manana. Absolutely. We'll go have some burritos down at the pier. You people and you're fucking amazing burritos. Yep. It's awesome. They're the luckiest people on earth. You live in New York and you think you like Mexican food. You don't like Mexican food. You like, like, like, whatever.

this is but you go out to like you go you go west and it's like oh my god this is amazing this all just pushes me to eat more pizza i mean that's really i'm just i'm gonna eat what my my city's best for good thing about this movie is like 88 minutes or something like that because we're in cincinnati immediately these people know the exact kind of movie they got on their hands here and they're not fucking around with it it's kind of like a weird like 50s throwback you know in a lot of ways it's like tough kid comes from out of town and like you know this this might as well be them on the beach like doing like go go go dancing you know what i mean like oh like a beach blanket bingo type movie it's kind of the same thing but it's now it's like now it's you know extreme

skating it's all these hoods rollerblading i think you're going the back way of saying this isn't really a movie yeah it's not kind of a movie it's a commercial for rollerblank yeah it's a movie that like frequently forgets what it's about yes and it's like oh right i do appreciate for some reason I find the shots of these sports like oh that's mesmerizing yeah you know there's like no one's taking score right now at the end they take score but you get to see like like the slow-mo of the air and it's just like oh yeah man and it's just like it just the movie forgets itself it gets lost in a moment which i think it's nice and it's like two minutes of like this rollerblading I'm like yeah well that was I was confused because I'd never seen it before and

you guys kept talking about like rollerblading rollerblading roller blading roller bladed and I was like, am I watching the right thing? What is with all the surfing footage? But I got it. I mean, I figured it out. You stick around. Do you get there? So he flies Cincinnati. With a surfboard. With a surfboard. Which fuck you. Yeah, dude, honestly, leave it at home. Leave it at home.

This dude's name is Mitchell. And like, while I don't, Mitchell Goose and the Goose. Oh, the Goose, which only he refers to himself as, by the way. A lot of self-appointed nicknames. That's California, dude. Oh, yeah. While I don't entirely hate this kid's guts. I think he's actually pretty okay. But there are some things like taking this surfboard to Ohio, fuck you. Just fucking fuck you.

I agree with the bullies. I've never been so on the bully side. I'm really torn. That was the emotional center of it. I hate this guy and I hate the bullies. But the bullies were okay. Before that even, he takes off his skates and he thanks them profusely for doing their job. Oh, right. He's talking to his rollerblades at the beginning of the movie.

Oh, I miss this. Yeah. He's a fucking lunatic. He puts him down. He's talking to his shoes. He, like, sets them on a table or something. And he's like, you guys did great today. Thank you for protecting me, gods of blading. That's what you need the scene when this kid's smoking up. And then it's like, all right, cool. Or at least skimming pills from his father, if you're going to, please. Just something. Give me something. So he's staying with his aunt and uncle, moving to his aunt and uncles in Cincinnati. Natty, unlike Baller, a different side name. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Different, different place. And they wind up, it's, what's this lady's name? Well, she's Mrs. Poole. She's Mrs. Poole, Edith,

Edie McClurg. Edie McClurg, who is Mrs. Poole on the Hogan film, which nobody knows because we're 55 years old. But she's like the, she worked with the devil. Yeah, Ferris Puehler. Yeah, she worked with the devil himself. But she deserves about Eddie Barsoo. Yes. Well, it's actually kind of funny, though, because the dude playing the uncle, nobody will remember this, I don't think. The dude playing the uncle plays Satan in UHF. Oh, you're

right. Holy shit. Is that what you were talking about? No. You're talking about Jeffrey Jones. I'm talking about Jeffrey Jones. I'm talking about Jeffrey Jones is the devil. Oh, oh, I see. The troubled devil. But, Eadie McClure, by the way, needs to call. I'm going to, you know, Noah Hawley, who I know listens to the show. He's a big fan of the show. He tweets at me all the time. Of course.

uh he needs to put her on on fargo this woman's accent is ready she can get it if it was her as like a tough toughest nails gangster or something yep forget it she runs the west side or something that would be that's an emmy then you get an emmy for either the mcclure and you play to edie mcclark's strengths you set it in the 1980s yeah that's where she thrived she's talking to a bunch of young boys well that's what i don't get because she and the dude playing the dad have these accents that are like more or less appropriate for the area. Then you just have Seth Green who's just Seth Greening all over this movie.

Seth Green who meets his cousin for the first time dressed like Carl Lagerfeld. He's got these black gloves on this beret, this fucking black jacket with the daffles. Yeah, the fringe is the problem. Would Carl even go that far? Yes, he would. I thought he was actually dressed like,

what did I write down here? Othora Birch and Ghost World. It's a little bit of that going on. And then that would make Mitch to Scarlet Johansson. That kind of works. That works. Yeah, I think Scarlett Johansson also had this ball cut at one point. Opposite career trajectory because then the guy who plays Mitchell goes on to nothing.

I think he's like a real estate agent in Texas now. Galveston. And then, oh, that's nice, right? It's right by the water. Yeah, it's where fucking Bob Durst dropped that dude's head in the water. Oh, right. Yeah, it's a great area. The guy who saw me this house used to.

be an airborne. The stream is perfect for dumping heads. If you ever have to dump a head, I really do suggest this stream. Oh, and then Seth Green has the the Scarlett Johansson career trajectory. Sure.

Right. Seth Green is, like it or not, huge international superstar. Massive, dude. I've got no ill will towards Seth Green. Absolutely not. I don't care for most of the things he's in, but it seems like a nice guy. And, you know, we could use a leg up, I would say. So, Seth, you're listening. Well, he's pretty short.

We could have said stuff, but we didn't. No, that's not the reason. I mean, we will. Are you setting up a prediction racket? We will. Oh, man, protection from we hate movies. That is something nobody needs. Although, I don't know. I think we're pretty lethal, man. R. I'd be Dave Barry. Oh, man. That fucking, that gutted

me yesterday. Harry Anderson. It's a shame. Yep. Harry Anderson himself played Dave Barry on that show Dave's World. I wish Dave Barry was dead. It'll happen. Yeah, and now it'll have it next week.

We'll get there. You know what? Lord Christ above, take Scott Adams first. Oh, yeah. How about that? Oh, man, he's primed. That'd be great. Death, Bert.

Oh, man. Oh, shit, dude. Dilbert in the afterlife. That would be a great little strip, huh? well he's got to you know live the religion wars yeah like if he's going to write so thoroughly about them you know it's a a fave part of mine from the first like five minutes of this movie i know we're in cincinnati now but to backtrack really quick to california him and the buddy are singing just enough of the beach boys yeah california girls

that you don't have to pay a goddamn dime it is like you can you can feel them be like all right Make sure you trail off that lyric really quick. You just evade the chorus. Yep. Don't say California girls. You're good. The East Side. You guys get it, right?

And then they're just like, that's a great song, man. I love being California. But also California in 1993. I don't know. Maybe black flag. Yeah, I don't think you're singing the fucking Beach boy. Yeah, I don't think so.

You get to Tupac out there, dude. Figure it out. Figure that shit out. Also, Seth Green, terrible hair in this movie. Oh, it's the worst. It's a bad haircut for Seth Green. And I'm pretty sure it's the, I was just going to say, I'm pretty sure it's the real hair. Oh, yeah.

I don't think that's a wig. He looks like a little caveman in this movie. It's not a good thing. It looks like a Dariah character. Ah, yes, dude, he totally has Jane's haircut. He's a red-headed Jane. Yes. Chris Gavin, identifying hairstyles.

My specialty. They ask him about this surfboard. by the way, and Mitchell makes a putrid comment right here. She's like, Eadie McClurg is like, oh geez, hon, you brought your little surfboard there, huh? And he's like, oh yeah, it's like my Amex, I don't leave

home without it. And they're like, that's amusing. Without it, I'd be naked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not going to fit in our house. You're going to have to leave it on the porch there, huh? Oh, boy, that's not going to age well. Nobody's going to understand that in 10 years.

Hope they used that slogan in 2018. Maybe this is a good time to let you know about the bullies. Somebody needs to tell this kid that this school is rife with bullies. Oh, father, he's going to get his ass handed to him in school. She's calling his husband father, by the way. Oh, yeah. Gross. Is he calling her mother?

I don't notice. This guy's got like eight lines of this movie. And I don't think he addresses her wants. Yeah, he's too busy trying to find a sporting event on television. Now, mother, we cannot, cannot tell. our new Mitchell here about the bullies because we can't ruin the pool. Okay, remember.

The lottery. But so he goes back to Seth Green's house. Seth Green's like, hey man, you're my cousin. It's awesome. We haven't seen each other in so long. It's like, his name is Wiley. He calls himself the Wiley Man. Which, by the way, do you close off the Wile Man. How about the

coyote, dude? You can't just be Wiley Man. That's like you saying Stephen Man. No, no. It's not a thing. Stevie man maybe or Steve Man. I'd still refuse. Yeah, exactly. I shouldn't tell anyone else what to call me. That's number one.

Right. Yeah, you've got to let those names come to you. And I don't think Wiley Man, I mean, it just doesn't roll off the tongue. I'm not going to call you that. We're not going to be friends. He immediately shows this good pornography. Yes, and this is one of my favorite details. He's showing that they're like sharing the room, right? Like, Seth Green lives in the basement.

And he's like, he's like, you know, here's your bed. check out my room look at all the cool lights by the way here is this nudie poster if you have to masturbate I keep it over here he's going for a real like Jeff Dahmer aesthetic here a lot of paper on the wall

here's the drill I'm going to put into your tempo when I fuck your head later I will say this that's a good point Chris this kid is going to be a serial killer because he's a constant liar like any situation he's just like yeah that's what they're like oh yeah you like basketball hot love basketball oh yeah

cream Abdul Jbar is the best oh yeah you like a baseball I love baseball, Barry Bonds. Cream Abdul Jarbar is the best at both of them. Oh, he love heavy metal. Yeah, I love, Kareem Abdul Jarbar is the best. He's a fucking sick bass player. I mean, that name would look awesome

in one of those metal fonts. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow, that's actually true. Right? That'd be a sick tat. Exactly. Let's get tattoos later. Totally.

This fucking spell it wrong, maybe. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny. Well, in Milwaukee, we'll get that done. But he just seems like some, that like in any situation he will lie for no reason just to fit in right it's a problem that that's what serial killers do it's like

you have no empathy so you have no problem lying to people yeah I'll fuck a hole I cut in your chest sure I'll do it I do it all the time and think viscera and thanks to Mitchell he's got higher marks now oh right that he can really drag into this pool that's true but while he needs

while he needs to sit him down and look Mitchell this is what's going to happen Mitchell tomorrow we are going to go into school and there are so many bullies there are so many bullies Mitchell like you just keep your head down dude like they're going to make fun of you but just like

you know tamp that accent down you know maybe put your put a hat on or something put on this fucking Ohio hat this Ohio I got a hat from Ohio there's so many bullies the river of bullies there's so many bullies in this school man I've never seen so many bullies

I love it dude it's like dangerous minds times two it's a lot of bullies but they don't really like I was looking for a little bit more action honestly you want someone to get stabbed you want some bully action

yeah more a little bully action like what I mean they end up doing there's a there's a later on there's a montage of bully pranks but there's no like bully straight up violence like bully action like you're like you're like fucking someone

while watching pornography bully like Larry Clark bully Oh, pardon me. This is like fucking someone into a locker. And then closing the door afterwards. So there's a really lazy screenplay strategy here where... When they go to exposition class? Yes.

You're exactly right. Because he goes to like public speaking. I think they called speech class or something. And then it's just like you're going to get up in the middle of the room and just say shit about you. That's your speech. And correct me if I'm wrong, but Mitchell is coming in the winter. Everybody knows everybody. What are you doing this for?

I guess maybe it's a second term thing. Now we're doing speech class and the first assignment. Maybe it's for the teacher's benefit. I mean, it's for the screenplay's benefit for sure. Yeah. But it's like, oh, yeah. It's not like the first class of anything, is it?

It shouldn't be. No, but it feels like it should be if it's like you're, because it's literally every kid just stands up. They're like, this is my name and this is what I'm all about. Yeah. Most of it is I'm so and so and I'm a bully. Maybe it was like. professional bully

I too am a bully maybe last semester it was health oh I see yeah it's one of those like they split it did they split health I think so

I did health and sociology one year I think we did health and economy right well you did something it was like well we had a health class but there wasn't enough

for a full year you'd got you kids know enough about health you also took it I think like only once in high school yeah and that was

That was it. That was our house. So then after you took that health class, since you didn't have to worry about taking health class anymore, that's when you started smoking. Let me put some orange cones for anyone who has Amazon Prime, just as an FYI, like steer clear of this one. They just released, and I thought this would be a real laugh riot coming home Saturday night. It's two hours of old DMV driver's ed. I fucking knew this. And I fell for it too.

What happened? I'm about to jump into the trap. It's two hours of like, oh, old, old-fashioned driver's education videos. Scared straight. Like dead kids and shit? Yes, it is nothing but dead bodies. It is so many. It's like faces of death, but worse.

And what's amazing, there's a bunch of these on Amazon Prime. No. Because they're all couched in this, like, kitsy, like, look at these silly videos. And some of them are like industrial movies. Yes. And everyone's just dead. It's just corpse part? It's literally the Simpsons joke.

It's that Simpsons joke. It absolutely is. They're appealing him off the sidewalk. Look at all these children that have only lived to see Eisenhower as president. But the fucking great part about this video, you should watch the first like 30 seconds because there's an opening scroll where it's this narrator and he's talking about like, you know, these are real blah, blah, blah, blah. And he has some line where he's like, I'm Troy McClure. because like our actors didn't ask to be in this film it's like because they're fucking mince meat

but no that's the whole that's the whole thing how graphic is it it's pretty graphic it's graphic you're just looking at dead bodies like blood pieces you will see blood there's one guy when I turned it off we lasted about 20 minutes because it is funny in so far as the announcer just you're like look at this fucking dead person

what an idiot and it's like he like casts all this judge was like This hot shot wanted to get so fast to his hot date, but now he's in hell. Like, it's just, it's like that over and over and over again. But where I got to was somebody drove into a, it was like a truck where poles went all over the place. And you see poles in the back of this skull. And I'm like, yep, that's it. I'm out.

It's an interesting choice for Amazon to put on Prime. What the fuck is Bezos problem? I'm just saying orange cones. If you want to go past it, go right ahead. I'm just putting orange cones in front of that one. But in that series, though, there are a bunch of worthwhile ones like, you know, visions of houses in the future or like silly commercials. With dead people in them.

This is what a house might look like in 30 years if it was full of dead kids. Two hours of corpses footage. But we did see, we did watch the sex ed one. STDs. It was mostly just like, what is your body? How does it work? Oh, because there's an STDs. Oh, shit, I'm going to watch it.

It's like, it's like frightening STD. This is Margo. Margo has the herb. But the worst, and it's something that I can't leave my body, my mind, which is. Jail to warts. It's a, some kid is just like, yeah, I got a bunch of semen. And the other guy is like, oh, well, that's just parts of a baby. And it's just like, you know, parts.

Just part, you want to spray a bunch of parts of a baby all over the place. That's the crew of a ship. Speaking of parts of a baby, Jack Black is in this movie. Yeah, all right, we're back to Airborne. Okay, listen. Now, Airborne is on Amazon. You have to rent it all, but it's a total recommend. I want to get that right out the gate, huh?

Yes, I want people to know. All right, good. I'm glad. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, we're not talking about dead babies right now. Jesus fucking Christ. I just put orange cones for people that might want to... Yeah, and now we're coming out of that down-tempo number.

That's a good point. Where are those pictures I was supposed to Oh nice But yeah Jack Black is So he goes to the speech class And there's a bunch

It's me whenever I go anywhere Everybody either wants to fuck this kid Or fight him You know what I mean Like there's no in between Is it? Sometimes they want to fuck fight him Sometimes I just don't want to be there

Yeah There's that too These kids didn't ask to be fuck fought I have to say I have to say this is one of the worst teachers in 1990s cinema yeah figure it out man because these kids are just destroying this surfer dude in class just totally ruining this kid's life and this teacher isn't saying shit he's got no control he comes in and he's like hey while he's like hey this is my cousin mitchell from california and first things first this kid gives the peace sign and everyone's like we're out we're out on this kid already we're done You know what? I would be to put that shit away.

Come on. I wouldn't have been so judgmental. First of all, it's not a greeting, all right? If anything, it's a fucking exit gesture. Yeah. Let's stop it. It's so, God, it's just like if you're not Doey Quintan-Tarantino doing it, I don't even know what that is.

So, and then everyone has to give a speech. We meet Jack Black is a bully. He's like 29 years old. At the, like, youngest. I think, oh, I think I did the math. He was like 27, maybe. Okay. Either way, he's not a 16-year-old kid.

He's not a 16-year-old kid, but he does shave his face. And, like, he is the number two to this bigger bully. Yes. Jack is his name? Oh, it certainly is. He's built like a fucking tree. This kid's enormous. He is.

He's also 37 years old. He's also 37 years. I think this kid left the set of Airborne and then went and played a dude Elaine dates on Seinfeld. He's so old. And then he did a construction shift. And then he was in cocoon. He played one of the cocoons because he's such a, he's like a rock, this dude.

He did play for 10 seconds Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. That's where I knew him from. Where have I seen this guy on a guy? Oh, wait, well, you said he was also in the next karate kid. Yes, he's the love interest in that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. previous episode. So everyone wants to

fuck or fight Mitchell because these two girls in the class are making fuck guys at this kid like nobody's business. And these girls have three lines in the movie but we have an idea of what their fantasy is for some reason. The movie drops this whole like we're seeing fantasies of characters

very early on. It's better off dead for like nine seconds. Well also the conclusion's kind of better off death. We got to get down this mountain but this time it's rollerblading. Right. But this, the first fantasy is the bully's fantasy of throwing him out a window. Oh, right. Murder.

Appreciated. Yep. Love this scene. Always have. It's just, he just pictures grabbing Mitchell and throwing his entire body out of plate glass window. It's because of that peace sign. Yeah. That'll get you hucked out a fucking window.

First of like a floppy hair kid, like watch it. Just, just A number one, watch it. Just don't bring your conditioner with you. That kid is over conditioned. weird. Well, also, he's hitting on his property. I mean his girlfriend. Yeah. Was it his girlfriend or his sister? His girlfriend. And then

his sister is Nikki. It's a sister. It's a sister. It's girlfriend. It's Cincinnati, Jake. No one's eating that fucking chili with spaghetti underneath it in this movie. I was disappointed. Oh, my God. That stuff is disgusting. Look at that shit. You really doing that to yourself? I've had it once.

This hot shot wanted to eat chili with spaghetti under it. Now he has diarrhea. We're going to watch it. Dude, that's actually... In grainy film. Those are instructional videos, man. What not to do it of fucking Applebee's.

No, I think they call it Skyline, Chile. There's a bar in the city. Somewhere downtown, it might as well be out of business. I don't know. But it's like a Cincinnati bar. Like New York has that thing. As I'm sure, a bunch of cities with like transplants. Yeah, sure.

It's like, you know, you can go there and feel it. home kind of a thing. So it's a Cincinnati bar. They had this chili. I had it one time. I got to tell you, I don't know what the fucking big deal is. I don't. Come on. It's just, it's totally fine chili with fucking spaghetti underneath it. I don't know. I don't like, you know, beans in my meat sauce usually. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it either, Chris Cabin. But I will have beans and you know what? I will have a noodle made of beans though. Oh, yeah. That's not bad. That's not bad. So then these girls look at him. These girls who amount to nothing.

You think that that's going to be the conflict. He's going to fall in love with a bully's girlfriend or something. But, dude, this is, Steve, this screenplay is taking you on a journey. Uh-huh. And it has twists and turns. Oh, it's like a dead man's script. It's a devil's backbone, my friend. That's right.

So they look at him and they're like, oh, my God, he's so hot. They show him like kind of half naked, which is a lot of this movie. How old was this kid when this was made, FYI? I don't know. I hope nobody was calling the fucking Federales, man. but he's like in his boxers they're doing a weird like the a fan is on him his overconditioned hair is blowing in the wind

he puts on sunglasses because he's a Cali guy just starts jerking off yep that's what they do out there man San Fernando Valley I know what you're up to so we might up meeting the whole class I mean a lot of them don't matter we learn that hockey is a big thing for some reason and you're like wait okay so it's not a surfing movie

it's a hockey movie got it um and they're like yeah we're going to, we're going to beat the preps. And where do the preps go to school? At the prep school. Okay, at the prep school. I just imagine, this is, this is, the film gives you no help here, but I always just imagined that it was just like a private school.

Yeah. You're right. You are fucking out to see in this screenplay. You know what? It's kind of, it's refreshing. You don't have to hold my hand the whole time. I get it. These guys are jerks.

Well, yeah, it's not, I don't think there's sanctioned games or competition. Yeah. No, I think it's all just neighborhood grudges. This isn't an official league. There's no banquet at the end of this season. It's all creed, man. It's all about creed. Yep.

As in street creed. There is a line. I pointed out some fucking amazing dialogue from this screenplay that has twists, turns, and challenges for the audience. What of the girls, I don't remember which one says,

and maybe I miss heard this, but maybe you guys heard it too. Eric's seen it a thousand times apparently. she says, I want to be Al Pacino's love slave. Sex slave. Sex slave. Wait, what? Yeah. The wha, dude.

What did she just watch cruising last night? Yeah, dude, hips or lips. Yeah, it's fine. Hey, 15 year old girl, hips or lips? Dude, yeah, that's airborne too, hips or lips. Al Pacino's about the same height as a 15 year old girl, so it would work out just fine. Well, this is 93. I'm taller than you.

Oh, boy, I got the locker on the top row. High school Al Pacino, awesome. Yeah, a bunch of bullies. Oh, you see Miss Manguso? She's got a great ass. Hey, how'd you get that scar? Did you get it from a hall pass? I just saw my biology teacher.

a half an hour ago. Oh, mercy. Al Pacino in high school. They'll make a great adult swim cartoon. Or a robot chicken, huh? Hey, Seth, if you're listening, we're laying off yet? No, that's not the reason. He's all right. You could get a solid 13-minute episode out of Al Pacino in high school.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. So he, we learned that we're about to play the preps in hockey. And someone calls out and they're like, you know what, Wiley, you got to join the hockey team or whatever is even. He attempted to rebrand himself as a hockey guy. Big mistake. Big mistake. This is what happens when you're a fucking liar like this. A stereo liar.

Because when someone actually says, okay, oh, you do that. Then, okay, do it with us. I guess it's like, oh, I'm going to, humana. It's a full package. He's got a nickname to go with the new hockey persona. That's right. only really gets to brandish because according to them,

the two other players got in trouble for putting X-Lax in the principal's coffee? Do these bullies love pranks. Why can't I see that? Exactly. I would love to see his pants just fucking wet with running down the hall.

If we're doing fantasies, why aren't we like having at least a fantasy of what that way? Listen, just, listen, it'll take you like an hour maybe or less. Just get some skyline chili. Throw it on some fucking khakis And suddenly we have a raucous movie This movie could

It's rock and roll high school forever Yes, that's exactly right This movie needed up the raunch factor Just to scotch I gotta tell you right now Yeah, it is very PG-ish Which is not, you know Except for things like Al Pacino's sex slave Yeah, that's weird

Are we doing? But so the Wiley Man is gonna dry Now we have to talk about the heights Of these two kids Because I think it's really important As a short man Seth Green is also a very short man That's probably why I like him so much

But this other kid, Mitchell, isn't that much taller than him So they're both like five, five tops Absolute tops They're like in between like an Al Pacino Between them or something That's like the media Like a Danny DeVito and Al Pacino in a movie together Oh fuck I'd watch that

Are you kidding me? Oh my God how amazing with that Have they ever been together? Oh my God, them on like a road trip or something Yep They're driving in a smart car Look at all this room we got, Al. And then they crash, and it's like,

these actors didn't choose to be in this movie. You can say that about a lot of movies. Al Pacino's been in. No, they go to Wally World and like, Why can I ride? I'm 58 years old. I was like, well, you're 4'9, so I'm sorry. John Candy's shooing him away.

But no, but like, so these kids are like 5-5 absolute total tops. Yeah. But everyone else in this movie, for some reason, is six foot five. Like the bullies, Jack is enormous. He's a big guy. Because, again,

he's 30 years old. And, like, even Jack Black looks huge against these kids. So why would you pick Wiley, who is this big, to be on your hockey team if you're trying to win?

And also that Blaine guy's humongous, too. That guy might be, like, six, seven. That's like Liam Neeson in high school. All right. Now we're going to, you're going to give me your bio notes. And then I'm going to take them.

That's right. That's right, Suzanne. I'm going to take you to prom. I can't hand in homework in your handwriting. You're going to have to bring me the homework earlier, and I will copy it. You don't want me to get detention, do you? Well, do you? Butthead. Bring the toilet paper at midnight.

I have your horse carriage taken all the way to your house. You only have light beard. I'm telling you, man, this is a good movie. This is Liam Neeson in high school. I would love it. Absolutely. You do one of those like body switch comedies? Oh, yes.

But it's just Liam Neeson. Like when he looks in a mirror, he's like a 14 year old kid or something. Yeah. But it's Liam Neeson the rest of the movie. You know, here's what you could do, dude. You get him swap with Lucas Hedges from Manchester by the sea. Sure. I'd believe that.

I don't want to see my dad in a goddamn freezer. I think the thing about these short kids playing hockey, by the way, is that they're all that's there. Sure. Because also they recruit that dude's snake. He's the guy who's like the main kingpin of the Latin gang on Luke Cage. Oh, yeah. He's that guy. He's Benicio del Toro's partner in traffic.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's also a previous episode. He's the principal, man. Oh, right. He's that kid too. I mean, but he's short as fuck. And they're like, even shorter than Seth Green. And Snake is the first choice.

They're like, hey, Snake, you want to play hockey? He's like, yeah, all right. I was like, wait, what? He's impossibly a bully in this school. Everyone just signed up for a bully first day. Listen, if the school is fucking wretched with bullies like this, dude, I'd rather be part of the problem than, you know, going against the grain. This is a hockey game now briefly where Mitchell is put in.

and he accidentally scores a goal on his own team. Yes, Wiley gets hurt and then Mitchell gets put in. This was literally a blink and you miss it. I looked down at my laptop and looked back up and all of a sudden Mitchell was playing hockey. I did not understand what happened. Like Eric said, this movie is not going to hold you by the hand. No, no.

This movie made me grow the fuck up, dude. You first chatted up the girl, Nikki. Yes. He was like his poet laureate shit about the waves. He also tells her about how. the one time he almost killed a young child, but he frames it in a way that it's like a good thing.

Twist ending. It's a twist ending to that story. She's like, oh, what happened to the surfer that almost mutilated to that poor child? He's living in Cincinnati, babe. Yep. This dude, Mitchell, is smooth as fuck. Dude, he tells this story. He has her wrapped around his finger with this

storytelling. She's like, whatever happened to this awful rage-filled boy. Well, so what happens? It's me. It's me, Slobodon-Milose. he's running a Yugoslavian country They forced him out with rock and roll music But they He tells a story about like oh

I don't do aggression man Because I once knew this kid Who always chased after waves And one time he was chasing after a wave And he fucking almost decapitated somebody With his surfboard And he's like, oh my God, who's that? And he's like, that was me

But I was doing the decapitated honey Yeah but I said it so well of it, like, don't you think I'm, like, great? Yeah. Yeah, well, he's talking about, he frames it in this, like, this is, this was the moment where I turned my life around. Right. Like, I'm a better man for having maimed this charm.

Exactly. It's also, he tells this story about 40 seconds after he gets to the skate park and greets everybody with a coma stall ladies. Oh, yeah. This guy's got nothing but game. So, oh, and of course, the other two. two girls from the class are also throwing themselves at him. Oh, sure.

We got some lick clipping going on. I hadn't seen this movie in like 20 years. And then this scene when he's, okay, so he scores against his own team. And then everyone's mad at him. So they like tackle him. Yeah. And he's passed out on the ice for a minute. And this movie's got got the Cajonis to do a full Robocop reference.

And I fucking loved it. I ate it up. You get like the static TV shots and then everyone talking to them. In that Robocop, POV, it's fucking Robocop. It's the same. It's the total like fish eye lens. You're all right? You wake up.

Murphy, are you there? Yes. God, I love it. In our in our old man high school that we're kind of creating here that we're sketching out. Yep. Kirkwood Smith, main bully. Oh, yeah. For sure.

Bitches stay after school for detention. me. You want to do my homework, Johnny? Man, it's just like so many bullies, the bullies have begun to feed on bullies. That's right, dude. They're cannibalizing other bullies. That's insane. But also this kid would be in the concussion

protocol. Like, this is a bad situation. This kid's like out. I mean, I guess because there's no refs or no faculty around. Yeah. Like, it's night time. This kid wakes up. It's like, whoa. Go to a hospital. If you wake up and the fucking son has set. It's time to go to the hospital. Go right back to sleep. See what happens.

Tell the truth. Concussion. Yeah, yeah. Nobody remembers that movie. So he winds up, he's like, oh, you know, the bullies won't care. It's fine. We're even now. And then Seth Green's like, you don't know what you just did. Nope. You opened up a fucking world of hurt, son. And then we have 20 minutes of a montage. This is most of the movies. This is so good. It's a bully. Montying montage. I can't remember the last time I saw one of these. Sergei Eisenstein. A lot of it's homerotic, which is good. That's what you want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, most of high school bullying is homerotic. There's so many sexy pranks they pull on this kid. It is out of control. It's like, oh, now you're naked. Yeah, well, we stole your clothes from the shower. Guess you're going to be wet and naked all over this school. Oh, my God. Hoo ha! Did you see how we got this?

his kid. He's naked and he's soaking wet. That's, and they're calling him pretty boy left and right. Sure. There's a little bit of truth to that, fellas. You're about to be wet. So, but one of, one of my favorite, one of my favorite, one of my favorite,

A, they put gunk all over Seth Green's. I don't know what this stuff is. It's between gum and glue. Somewhere between. It's gloom. Gluom. New, Elmer's gloom. Because he's like, trying to open his locker

and there's shit all over it. It's making me throw up a little bit. It's disgusting. It gets like stuck to the locker. It's like peptobismol pudding. And put sand in Mitchell's locker because you like sand, don't you, you like sand,

Johnny. Yeah, that's good bullying boys. To be Kurt Wood Smith. Well done, guys. They wet all the toilet paper while he's taking a stinking load. Here's the important part.

Here's the thing. You do not fuck with. someone taking a shit yeah come on i mean no but that's a good one have some decorum you are taking a shit oh go ahead and do it but now mitchell is completely within his rights to come to school with a baseball bat yeah really really show them what's what fucking with you when you're taking a shit that's like the chemical warfare of of high school like you can it is like beyond it's the red line that's the red line it's so inappropriate i don't know why every fucking a men's room or boys' room stall that I grew up with

was always broken and I got to do that you're doing the prop up with your leg I got that beat once in high school I took a shit with there's just no door oh come on no door let's have some fucking respect no it's just it wasn't even a stall it was like like a little separate brick corridor

for the toilet and it's just open why were there no doors I mean this was before the NRA invented school shooting This wasn't Mars bar? Oh, man. The Mars bar bathroom definitely did not have a fucking stall. I went to Mars bar high. No, I think it had just been broken off and they never repaired it.

And like, that was my option. But that's what the thing when bullies would love to do is like lock the door and kick it. Because I broke it good. It's like, you have to shit there. We all have to shit there. Not everybody shits at school, man. Well, I'm sorry, Prince Valiant. I never.

It wasn't until like, I. got to college and it was like, accept it. You literally live here. You rode your white horse all the way back to home. I got to say, I tried to do that a few times. It worked most of the time. But yeah, you know, sometimes you got to get off that steed and do the deed. Sometimes you have to pull the lever.

I'm not saying I never did it. I'm just saying like I tried my best to really not have to take a shit at school. We don't have any bumper stickers currently, but get off the steed and do the deed. It might be. By the way, a future mailback episode, right. if you had to take a shit at school. Oh, yeah, please. But what fucking disgusting

summer camp, Crystal Lake horseshit bathroom is this? We're above the stall hanging there are chains with rolls of toilet paper hanging. What the fuck is this shit? It's like sing-sing all of a sudden. Come on.

I think it was just done that way for convenience's sake so that we could get through this scene fast. You could easily dump this water you just take these cups and you dump water on it you don't have to like I guess you'd have to hose down the bathroom if it was in a conventional

Yeah right What I do appreciate is this movie Does have the follow through To make this kid do a shit walk And they show the shitwalk And he's picking his ass And you know that shit is nasty But this is listen

Hey don't pick your ass in that situation You just got to John Wayne It all the way to the next bathroom But I didn't know Why it stands the whole way Is that what he was doing the whole time? Dude, is he fucking... I, Pilgrim, do you have a square you could spare?

Yet another time where I couldn't find another bathroom. Is he cowboy walking like that? Because he's a fucking Cotonel bear and he couldn't wipe his ass properly? Or did he wipe his ass with the wet toilet paper and he's just got a soaked ass off? But then your hands full of shit too. You know what? I mean, geez, what would you do in that situation? That's a tough.

Oh, that's a good one. You wipe your ass with the wet toilet paper. Of course you do the best you can. I guess you try, yeah. Listen, all toilet paper should be wet, man. We should be walking around a bunch of wet naps in our pockets. Stay in that stall all night long until it's dry. It's dry as a bone.

And then it turns into another Liam Neeson movie. There's like wolves outside. He's like, oh, no, I've waited for the toilet paper to dry. But now the wolves are after me. So walk amongst the tombstones. It's like the gray, but it's the brown. directed by Joe Karnah. So yeah, he does that.

I mean, that's the thing is I think, because they show him do that, and that's like the last prank. And then he goes up to Wilesigwili. These guys suck, man. Dude, and this is another repugnant Seth Green line right here. It's right after the ass picking. And Seth Green, like, spooks him in the hallway.

It's a classic fake out. And he's like, listen, I got to. this shitty wet ass and Seth Green's like you think that's bad they put itching powder in my jock strap I hope the girls didn't think

I was walking around all day with the chubby and he starts grabbing his dick and Mitchell's like dude I got a shitty wet asshole here do not grab your dick in front of you right now we're a pair as it is

yeah we're the shortest kids in school we're being mocked every day So he goes home Mitchell goes home After this horrendous day And this is a classic Mrs. Poole overreaction

If I ever saw one Because Mitchell's just like tired He's got a shitty wet asshole He sits down on the floor Like right outside Like right when he gets in the foyer She starts screaming Thinking that he's OD'd

This is what makes me think He must have wiped his asshole Because he sits down Because he doesn't go straight For the fucking bathroom Or the shower Or his room. I was going to say showers the move There. Any of these. And

Beeline it. Don't sit down in the hallway. Or or or or or she thinks he's dead because she smells like Oh, he released his bowels. Sure. He's gone. He's left the world, father. Oh dear. I don't

know what these Californians do, but that's not pechulia I'm smelling. No, she starts freaking out. She's like, oh no. Father get in here. He's OD, he found the drugs. I'm telling you, Noah Hawley, it's her. She's got, like, a bunch of snapping turtles that she's feeding people, too. Oh, sick.

Yeah, dude, it's like something like that. It's like Mason Verger, but a little lamer. Exactly. And it takes forever. Oh, dear, you're never, now you can't leave. Oh, hey there, look, the boys are coming for you, Terry. It's Donatello and Raphael. She runs an exotic fish store, and she has piranha.

That's it. That's what it is. Noah, I know you're the, thank you so much for listening. Thanks for the Patreon support. It's a huge Patreon support. Congratulations on all the awards. But Mrs. Poole as a fucking Wisconsin hit boss, great idea. Great idea. Yeah. A leg up would be nice too. Is that what it's called? It's not a handout. No, it's not a handout. It's a hand up. Maybe it's a hand up. Give me a handy. Come on guy. like down. Come on. I need it. Eric needs a handgy. So just when things can't get any worse, he realizes what I've got an incredible game and this girl's looking for me.

Like he just, no, no, I'm sorry. He remembers that he likes to rollerblade. The movie forgets for an hour that this movie is about rollerblading. The movie sends him a package. If you are talking to rollerblades at the beginning of the movie,

at no point are you forgetting that you like rollerblading? The opening credits. It's like, you know, this kid, Seth Green, Jack Black, blah, blah, blah, blah, and a special appearance by Team Roller Blade. Yep. And I'm like, okay, this is about rollerblading. He, and he's like, oh man, what can I do in this town without a surfboard? Oh, wait, I'm really into rollerblading. Time to surf the sidewalk. He does arrive in winter, so maybe he's waiting till spring. That's true. Yeah, you want to wait for the ice to thawls. He forgets about it because of the constant torment.

Because it's been one week and I guess winter ended over one week. Well, time's a little weird in Cincinnati apparently because there's like different accounts. It's like it's three weeks, it's three months, it's whatever. Yeah, at one point he's because we're told six months. We're told at the beginning of the movie, this stint if his parents are not arrested by the FBI is six months long. The sting is going to go for six months. At the end of, towards the end of the movie, he's like, he says something, he says to Jack. Oh, it's in the big, like, restaurant confrontation.

Yeah. It's like so-and-so, you've been giving me shit for three weeks. Yeah. But a minute later, he then says, like, well, this is like the end of act two shit, you know, the big falling out. And it's like, well, I don't even care, man, because I only got three months left. And I was like, well, which is it? Yeah, because it's time moves very weird in Cincinnati. Especially when you don't get the rollerblade every day.

All these kids are on slow-mo. Right now, it's 1978. there. Very minute. Yeah, the time just works differently. So yeah, he puts on his roller, he puts on his blades, I'm sorry.

Yes, right. And all of his safety equipment because this movie wants you to know only a sucker roller blades without a helmet. You know, it's not uncool to have a few pads. Yeah. You know?

I'm sure there. Mitchell does it. Goosen does it. The Gooseman's doing it. He's the coolest guy I've ever seen. You guys saw this at home. Neither of you saw this in theaters, right? No, no.

Because I would think there would be like a short beforehand about like, oh, always pad up. Oh, yeah, like a recruiting video. Look how cool rollerblading is. Look how cool it is, though, when you're doing it safely. I should say in the 90s, I was a massive rollerblading. Wow. Big time. A spectator or a participant?

Participant. Skating, like every day. Really? Big time. Big time. Did you wear pads? No. Well, why not?

mean it's the coolest thing you can do. I know, dude. I wasn't cool. Did you ever take a tumble? Big time. Oh, shit. Constantly. Cut the fuck up. Big time. Do you ever break anything? No, never broke anything. A couple of like hands, brains, a lot of scraped knees. Elbows. You and my dad would have really liked each other in the 90s. My dad was rollerblading all over the place. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. How are you rollerblading in the Bronx?

Just get on and go. Carefully. Yeah, exactly. Hold on the back of the subway train. With your hand on your wallet. The whole time. That's how you're doing it. So he's rollerblading around and he runs into Nicky. Well, also, first of all, it's like a rocky montage of the rollerblading. I mean, but what's important to me is, like, he finds the skating community and it's like, hundreds of kids, like, hang out with those kids.

Yep, they have their little, that's your crew under the highway skate park, all that shit. But they don't go, they weren't in my speech class at the start of the movie, so I probably should stop talking to them. them. Yeah, I don't know anything about them. But they're all there, dude, Dwayne, Critter. Yes. Larry. Oh, dude, they've got a weed. You want your weed connection? There's your weed connection. I don't know because this guy doesn't smoke weed or whatever, you fucking liar movie. No, no, no, just go talk to sniff. He's got it, man. Sprite bottles upon Sprite bottles of LSD. That's where they all are. It's either that or you've got to show them with a Bible. Like, he's got to be one of those Californians. It's rotten out there with

those guys. He's got to find a click and hold on for dear life. For dear life, man. Life comes at you fast. You get fucking whiplash. So like you said, he does wind up meeting Nikki, who is his love interest.

He talks a lot. He talks to, he bonds with this girl, mainly by talking about Popeye. Oh, right. Because Popeye dude, Eric, he's a great man.

Eric, tell the audience why Popeye is this dude's favorite person. Because he is what he is. Yeah, I am what I am. He's also a cartoon. He also got a lot of fiber. He was also a sailor who fucked.

I think that, you know, the hefty shits. The whole Popeye thing is like, I am what I am because I'm deformed. Like, you know what I mean? Like, he had to really come to grips with that. Yeah, he said, he's a functional chud. Come to grips, dude.

Yeah. Wow. Nice. Steve Zedek, pun wizard. Also, tattoos on the forearm, bold move. Yeah, exactly. He started there. He didn't have anything.

on the no up what's that bicep yeah nothing on the bicep nothing on his pelvic bone

and that's the thing is like Popeye is this fucking deformed functional chud he had a tramp stamp though

he finds love and olive oil and all the time this fucking fat guy has to mouch his way in you know what I mean and his only friend in the world

is the biggest loser in cartoon history fuck you Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy? Wimpy's great man Wimpy's like us

it's like any it's like a podcaster it's like a 1920s that's what he's trying he's trying to get Patreon started with the hamburger thing right that's what a Patreon account is it's like why don't you pay me for a cheeseburger and I'll give it to you on Tuesday I swear that episode's coming out on Tuesday oh a commentary four times a year

here's another video here's another video of me eating a cheesecake contribute now I'll put it up there another one tomorrow there's some cam boy out there who's just like pay me to eat burger king oh sure if you donate another 15 tokens right now i will eat this five piece nuggets all the same oh shit is that gonna be a new patron level yeah it's just us eating food is that that's the twenty dollars a month love

but i think also uh i had some other pop-by thing but it doesn't really matter point is this kid loves pop by they bond over pop by sure at the hockey game but she's like she's off doing her own thing. He does the classic like, oh hey, Nicky, hey! And then he like falls down the hill. It's like Lara Flynn Boyle in Wayne's World. And she's like your classic straight-haired environmentalist from the

90s. We had those. We need more of them. Honestly, we need everyone. Straighten your hair and become environmentalist. I mean, the world depends on it. It's true. It's really true. But it's the fault of like pop culture and shit that that stuff is

like vilified because like she's not made fun of in this movie really but it's like she's slightly lesser because she likes going to the botanical garden. Well, uh, you know, uh, hey honey, I'm watching salute my, your shorts with

the girls. Why is everybody making front of Zoe? She's the only one with her head head on forward. By the way I'm Al Gore. Oh shit. Is he the principal of old man high school? Oh yeah. All right. everybody, gym class. You're going to climb

the rope, Pacino. I got all night, Mr. You're going to sit here with those little buns and scurry up that rope. We lost all our arts funding. Yes. So they go to this botanical garden

and she immediately falls in love with this dude because he can name plants. Oh, dude, that's a move. That's it. Yep. Because his parents are like these, you know, botanists slash zoolobal which is like, I don't know that that's necessarily a thing. Like, pick one, plants or animals.

I don't know if that's trickled down knowledge either. Yeah, I mean, you know, there's only so much time in the fucking day. He was just lying. He's like, oh, yeah, that's the, the, uh, readiness hopadus. There you go. But he guesses correctly, though, because she's holding her hand over the sign. Yeah, no, no. He knows it.

No, he broke in the night before. I think he's, uh, he was like going on trips to them because when they say, like, we're going on Australia. I was like, oh, cool, we're going to Australia. Like, I think he's going on a lot of these journeys and maybe picking up some knowledge along the way. Oh, I see. A little rich boy, by the way.

Oh, yeah. Did you see this house? Did you see this house? Holy fuck, yes, I did. You saw that house? I saw that house, dude. What is this a science fiction film? Oh, we're going to Australia.

All right, little bird's boy, all right. You know, I thought that house was that fucking Winchester mansion where that crazy ass old lady was building additions for ghosts? Yes. That's half what this movie is Oh no, my solarium's gone Like he has to live like a middle class lifestyle

In Cincinnati His parents are like building Xanadu Like he keeps up this is like Staircases to nowhere Just to have them Oh man Where's my surfboards bedroom And so on

So like yeah He's also, this is disgusting He is rollerblading and then she's like, I'm going into the botanical garden, come on in with me. He is walking around this botanical garden barefoot. Fuck you. That's gross. You're not on the beach, Mitchell.

There's somebody. Somebody would have stopped him. You're in a public works area. You're in a fucking flower museum. Put socks on. Dennis, Dennis from the front, he noticed. Trust me, he noticed. He does some rollerblading throughout this place, too, to the point of which getting kicked out.

Yeah. He laughs in that woman's face. Right, because he's a rich white kid. Yeah, anyone else would have gotten shot for what he did. And as he says, he's going to be gone in fucking three months. What do I care? Yeah, fuck it, dude. What of the reputation he leaves behind in Cincinnati?

I guess he repairs that a little bit with the girl, I guess. With Nikki? Yeah. So they make a date and she's like, oh, no, I planned on hanging out with Wiley this Friday. By the way, break that date with Wiley. Say Wiley, hey, man. Hey, the Nintendo's that way, brother. You know what I mean?

That's how that shit works. Family Matters is to the left. That's what's going on Friday, Wiley. Eirkle coming. See you later. I am getting it on Friday. You fucking go watch perfect fucking strangers. I don't give a shit, Wiley.

It's okay, Wiley. We'll stay in and watch perfect strangers. I'll bring the Doritos. Are you talking to imaginary Liam Neeson again? Who-ha, who's got the Doritos? I would hang out with those dudes on Friday. Oh, fuck yeah. But in this insane, Seth Green sitting on a couch alone, doing voices.

Yeah, I like that idea. Oh, he's doing voices. So, well, yeah, because Seth Green is much less pretty than Nicky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but like, he's like, oh, you know, my cousin, I was supposed to hang out with him. She's like, well, I'll bring a friend. You bring your cousin. And he goes back and he's like, wily, we got dates this Friday.

And I hadn't seen this movie in a really long time. And it sets up like a porno. And I'm like, oh, my God, it's a really going to have it. We got dates this Friday, and I think, he's like, I'll do it on one condition. You have to help me to know what to wear. I'm too sexy for this montage, too sexy for this montage. I was in my house alone with my cats, drinking a beer, and I screamed, yes, when it happened. It is so good.

This is after he is, you cheered then, Steve, but did you cheer before where Seth Green is is disgustingly brushing his teeth. I almost vomited. That is tough. And like he's got like the the foamed up toothpaste all over his face. That is disgusting. It is wretched. That's what Gina Davis and fucking Alec Baldwin really saw when Bill Jesus's face went out of the.

That's what they saw. Seth green brushing his teeth. It's fucking toothpaste all over his fucking face. It is really disgusting. Figure out how to brush your teeth. What is he doing? You're 16 years old at this point. Brush your teeth properly.

so it's yeah some of these outfits man but what I love about this movie is it has the gall to be like oh you know what I watched last year Encino man you know what we're going to do exactly that scene yeah pretty much oh so we'll do oh I know what you're talking about we'll just we'll get another song like I'm just no no no no no no we're not going to get another song

we're going to get that song yeah well I feel like I'm too sexy is like the song licensing equivalent of like nowadays buying standards deaf DVDs out of a huge bin at a Walmart. You know what I mean? A Michelle Branch song. You're clearly doing what that other

movie did. Just do it. You know what I mean? Let's not pussyfoot around. Just do it. You're ripping them off. You're ripping off Pauly Shore. Do it. The Venn diagram of people who had seen seen In Cino Man and had then went on to see Airborne is a

purple fucking circle. Purple circle, my friend. It's purple circle. That's why you, that's why the 90s are so crystallized. Although, I have to say, dissent then. I saw in Cineau Man in theaters. I did not see Airborne. No, that's what I'm saying. But if you were watching

Airborne, then you had seen in Cinolems. Definitely. Definitely. It doesn't go that. It's like that SAT thing. It's like, yeah, absolutely. You should still be deported. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I have to. Chris Cabin cannot be deported, dude. Because you'd be deported too. He's not a father of five from El Salvador his fucking cancer. Yeah, I'm white. God

damn it. Oh, right. Oh, wait. Oh, oh, Oh, right, yeah, there's shitty people can stay. The good people leave. So, yes, we got an iTunes. I'm just like, like, Eric, I'm saying, Cowboy outfit, number one. No, no, no, no, not number one. Well, it's in there.

It's number one for me. But the number one for me is the first thing he comes out as is the fucking killer from Nightmare Beach. Oh, yes, that's a great one. He's got the motorcycle helmet, the whole leather outfit. And he's like, what do you think? I'm like, what are you murderer? My God.

But also, by the way, how does he have all this dress up clothes? That is the mystery of all of these I'm too sexy montages. I'm sorry. So many outfits, so many styles. This is a sex game

because I'm going to parade out and this kid's going to laugh at me the whole time. It's sexual humiliation. It is because he's like really honk and laughing at every single outfit. They can't all be funny. Exactly.

How about the time it takes to change in between all these things? And at a certain point you're like, well, I'm going to steal myself because while I'm still sitting here it's hour four exactly and I'm going to steal myself because I know wiley's got another outrageous outfit yeah and I'm like you know what wiley put on normal clothes yep you're just got to wear baggy jeans whatever you would wear anywhere else that's the end game you know we get to regular clothes but for a while you know we check out all this stuff there's like hacky sack guy there's everything there's like a heffner guy for no reason you're not going to worry you're not gonna wear a fucking smoking jacket Wiley. Well, no, he's got to fill his shame tanks. And then he can go

out into the world. Oh, isn't this a ridiculous outfit? Aren't you going to laugh at me? And this kid is laughing till he shits. It's ridiculous. Do you want to call your friends to laugh at it? And one of the outfits he does is exactly his character from

Can Hardly Wait. Yep, pretty he does some like rap dancing and it's like that's real fun. A little fucking Kenny Chester Cheetaheem. A lot of them are also just fucking Daria types. They are. No, I think he dresses like Trent at one point.

All of life is just another Daria type. I love that show. There is a line here again because this motherfucker brings up Popeye and he's like, hey Seth Green, you want to know

why Popeye is the greatest. And Seth Green responds, no. He was gay? Oh, no, no, no. What is the situation here? He's like, oh, you know, we know what Popeye is the greatest. Like, no, why? Well, because every time, um...

He didn't dress flashy to try to attract olive oil. Exactly. And he didn't, I am what I am. He didn't care what olive oil thought of him. And he's like, do you know why? And he's like, right, because he was gay. And like, but it's a weird. Yes, that's the...

No, because he has to wear a uniform. Yeah, he's a little. For sailor, man. First of all, he's in the fucking military. Fuck you, Seth, for you. But it's weird. Thank you for your service, bye-bye. Yes.

You're welcome. But he, the kid, Mitchell, doesn't laugh at it, but also isn't like repulsed. He's just like, no, that's not why. Let me tell you why. It's actually a fine, like,

reference of gay in a movie like this because it's not Bill and Ted where we're saying the F-bomb. It's, I was surprised. Because it's just like he was gay. He's like, no, he's not. Like, you know what I mean? It's a plausible option.

It wasn't as, it wasn't like as hateful as you'd expect that of the 90s. Exactly. He's not reviled for it. No, he's not gay. Yeah. It's this other thing. It was actually, it was, it's a negative stereotype with the Navy, I think we're referencing. Yeah, that's true actually.

Which is kind of shitty. It's kind of shitty. It's like a, yeah. It's just, it's a D not an F. Yeah. But don't worry, the movie gets sweet revenge because they go to pick these girls up for the date. And Seth Green rings the doorbell. And this.

This girl opens it, and she's instantly repulsed by him. Yeah, that's instantly. Well, did you catch what he was doing in the bathtub before? Jerking off. Was he jerking off? Did you see this? Did you see this? He put a bunch of soap on the fucking wall like a lunatic. Oh, right. He wrote her name. And he wrote her name.

Yep. I fucking missed this. Serial killer shit. Yes, thank you. Serial killer shit. Fucking that viscera, dude, guaranteed. Jesus. Yeah, he's going to lie in any situation.

He's writing people's in. name and soap. I mean, get a lock of her hair, make a pillow person and then kill that. Pillow person. Yes.

That should have been a 90s movie. Pillow person. Oh, attacking the pillow people? Or like, we gotta find this kid he's got pillow people everywhere.

This kid starts, okay, so this kid makes pillow people based on like girls and people he likes and he fucks the pillow people. Right, right, and he ejaculates into it

and it comes to life for some reason. Oh, now it's like Jack Frost. exactly but so then that pillow person leaves he has to make a new one and he fucks that one and they all become animated now the whole town and you got the sheriff out there shooting down feathers you know what no holly clearly is a a big listener but you know what also a donate a person on patron that we need to thank is Todd Solins this is perfect perfect material for you sir I'm gonna fuck that fucking pillow so hard I'm gonna fuck this pillow's fucking feather brains out oh my god pillow people directed by Todd Solan it'd be a he's looking for a fantasy title that dude needs a hit all I'm saying Todd couldn't use a hit it's sci-fi's big now exactly or two that's true just saw her best friend

wrapped up in pillowcases god damn it'd be great so they go on a date and this kid finally kisses Nikki yeah dude tongue kissing on the pier well it's weird because it only makes sense because the way the state has to unfold, but they're like, hey, before we get dinner, do you want to go to the pier? It's like, no, no, you do that after the dinner. Right. That's how dates trend, you know, go forward. Well, maybe they picked them up a little early. You don't want to

get that early. Well, then again, it's Cincinnati and you're like, oh, we're going to eat like chili with spaghetti. Why don't we make up before that after? Let's get the big you have done first before we eat chili with spaghetti. We have some time before our reservations at the Saucop. That town charter actually stipulates

it has to have extra onions in it. It's illegal otherwise. so they do go they make out and then they finally go to this diner which is my favorite scene in the movie it's a good one it's great it's a good one we referenced it earlier and they're just hanging out

and like you know Wiley is still lying up a storm he's like oh I come here all the time I'm a regular yeah I'm a Vietnam veteran I sleep here with the fucking manager it's a weird he goes I come in on Tuesdays late I sit in the back with the manager here's the thing

We make and then fuck our own pillow people at the back of this restaurant. On the tables, nightly. I think, you know, that's a little, that's a good little Oscar for Seth Green, pillow people. That's true. I can't be your friend if you're making pillow people. It's like a friction between him and his best friend Liam Neeson. Imagine it's trying to get a little ambitious lately. Maybe he goes for a Salon's movie.

Oh, okay. That's right. Oh, yeah, it's a really good movie. It's me and Seth Green. It's called Pillow People. It can't be any worse than the fucking commuter, dude. That's a really good point. I saw that in the theaters I did.

Stay the fuck tuned. Well, this is what needs to happen in that screenplay moment, though, because he needs to be talking all this shit, right? And then the girl goes, oh, hey, Uncle Leo. Hi, come over here. And her uncle, like, owns the place or something. Sure, that'd be fun. Or if you don't want that extreme, you don't want to introduce another character,

just have her say, like, oh, really? I know for the fact that this restaurant is closed. for like restock on Tuesdays. Something, yeah. Just shut him down. Yeah, really just fucking stick it to this kid. But what shuts him down are these two fucking behemoths that come in, these bullies. The two guys, the preppies.

They're the prep dudes. One dude's Blaine and the other guy. So like what's great about this movie is you very rarely get to see pairs of bullies like this. So you've got, you've got Jack and Jack Black. Jack Black are one pair of bullies. So that's your standard bully. Whose name is Jack Black is Augie. Augie.

who's your standard just fat bully sidekick who's a loud mouth he's got a lot of fun voices classic number two number two for Blaine

is your classic dolphin laughing guy and you wanted to you know who that dude totally reminded me of the fucking the weirdo

weasel and Roger Rabbit oh yes exactly like just he's like a little bit fucked up he's like oh Blaine look at these yeah dude he's got the scumbagg laugh

Yeah, ew, this kid. So you get all, the whole two different bully ecosystem scene. So they come in and they start. And they're just like, they're just coming together in this movie though. I can't, I mean, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I just can't even not believe it. Just these worlds of bullies colliding on the screen. So the bullies come in and apparently. It's the most ambitious crossover.

In history. Of all time. Yes, of all time. Infinity Wars coming out on Friday. Yeah, the same difference. Infinity bullies, dude. Infinity bullies? That's what that movie should be called, actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. You got Thanos and then some guy dolphin laughing behind him? I think that's Loki. Yeah. Oh, Thanos were totally going to take all their stones and blow up. Or that laugh happens when Thanos, like, makes a bad joke or something.

Yes, exactly. Nice planet. Be sorry. if something happened to... Or someone makes a joke about Thanos, Thanos doesn't get it, right? Like someone starts playing the Tutsi roll song. Oh, right.

And then this dude's like, ah, ha ha ha ha ha. And then Thanos is like, what's so funny? And he's like, nothing, Thanos. Do you want to see my impression of a zit? Come here, Thor. I'm crushing your head.

And then it explodes. That's not about right. Yeah. So they wind up, the bully, Blaine, who's the head prep bully, has a history with Nikki and he's like come on Nikki let's go and it's like

real rapy real quick and I'm like nah I didn't even know these people were going to be characters Jesus Christ I was not prepared for this again this screenplay challenging you at every turn

somewhere around here like I think like Seth Green steps in and is like hey you get your damn hands on or whatever and again the girls are like why are they stepping in and standing up for us

I'm like because they're shorter than you like honestly these Two dudes are fucking Chris Hemsworth types. Yeah. And these guys are like Seth Green types. And that shit don't work out very well. Yeah, dude, you couldn't do battle with Thor? No, of course not.

Like, if that happened, I'd be like, I'm sorry, man. What do you want me to do? Get me a gun and I'll have a chance. Oh, nice. That would be a good guy with a gun. And I think it's Jack right here. It's like, Seth Green says something. He's like, would you say stickhead?

Oh, right. Nice. Classic. Oh, Blaine says that. But when you see Stickhead, if you look at it, he says Dickhead. Oh, yes, totally. It's ADR. Because, like, what do you say, dickhead?

And then somebody was like, oh, we're going for the PG on this one. I thought this movie was PG-13, though. Oh, really? Okay, maybe. Oh, I thought so. Well, there's enough skin of young boys like a PG-13. So they're fighting or they're trying to fight. And, like, oh, that's right, Jack, uh, uh, Mitchell won't fight because he, like, believes in Gandhi and whatever else.

Dude, this guy keeps talking about Gandhi. And it's like, shut the fuck off. Just admit you're short and move on. Like, you know what? Like, no, sorry, that kid's like way too. I mean, like, nice Gandhi cover, but like, you know. Gandhi complex. But then Jack shows up.

And who happens to be Nikki's brother. And there's like a reveal in the middle of the movie. He's like, I've never seen this. Holy shit. A building walks into another building. Twist and turns, dude. This dude is fucking huge. Twist and turns.

Dude, you can see every brick he's built out of. It's insane. And like, you know, Jack is like, going to Blaine. He's like, leave him alone. Leave him alone. And this is my favorite part of the movie is Blaine is like, listen to your business. Jack! And every time he says Jack is the funniest fucking thing. I posted it on Twitter. I love it so much. Stand out of this. Jack! Yeah, he's like, Jack! So he makes the bully go away. Yeah, what happens. And then, but then Jack is like, you know, you why don't you stand up for her? Why don't you stand up for

yourself fight me now mitchell and he's like Mitchell does this whole speech is like I'm not going to fight you because I'm out of here in three months and nothing I don't care about anything here this is the time fuck up where he's like I know what you're doing to me Jack you've been trying to push me for the last three weeks well I only have three months what is it let's move on let's just keep going

I'm feeling good about this do no need to redo the take I got it I got it never mind Jack come on Jack hey Jack it's awesome though because he manages to piss off every major character in this movie with the same fucking

rant it's not bad because like the girl's pissed off because he's basically saying like you know my relationship with Nikki is nothing the bully's pissed off because no one's getting in a fight and then Seth Green's like oh cool so I guess like us as cousins being friends doesn't matter to you

note to people who want to burn bridges this thing works like a fucking charm I couldn't believe it man he really cleared out the restaurant So everyone leaves and everyone's upset at him It's the second act And then he goes to sleep And I guess he has a dream Which we don't see

And we should see the dream if that's the case I thought I was missing something If the dream is that important We should see it Kruger Town Oh yeah dude Welcome to hell Mitchell This kid sucks

I'm doing Cincinnati a favor Isn't he from Cincinnati Where's Kruger? Where's Kruger country It's Ohio Ohio? It's a spring. Springwood? Is it? One town over. Didn't we get into this before? We did. We did. We thought it was Illinois, but it's not. It's Ohio. Yes. Michael Myers is Illinois.

Jason Voorhees is Jersey strong. He is stronger than the storm. You'd have been awesome if Jason Voorhe's got to Chris Christie. New York, I mean, New Jersey should embrace that shit more. Like, that should be the state flag is that hockey mask. Yes. I would love, that's where I live. But no, it's like, you know, he goes to sleep. Hey, Mitchell, you thought you're in Cincinnati,

but that's just what everybody says, because it's easier. You're actually one town over in Springwood. Once you drive past that bridge, brother, you're no longer in Cincinnati. He's one of the suburban kids. That's just like, oh, yeah, I'm from Cincinnati, even though you're technically from Springwood.

A technical heat is still a hit. You fell asleep in my territory, bitch. Like, oh, yeah, I'm from New York City and you're actually from White Plains. Exactly. Well, sometimes it's just easier. Like, you know, Chris and I say we're from Albany. Oh, shit. You're one of those kids.

Because it's fucking easier. People know what that means. There's like, it's that great. You're from Houghtonfield, New York. There's that great, it's a really old SNL bit where they're doing the real world. And Mike Myers is playing an Irish guy. And he keeps like the gag is he keeps like starting sentences with like, you know, I'm from Dublin. And then he's in the confessional booth

and he's like, the truth is, I'm not from Dublin. I'm from a town just outside in Dublin, but it's just so much easier to say I'm from Dublin. I'm the Cincinnati kid. Oh, shit. I'm here to fight the Toronto kid. Classic kids in the hall. Oh, right. Yeah.

But he does go to sleep. He wakes up. He wakes up while he's like, Wiley, man. I just had a dream about chasing a wave and there was a shark that was speaking Spanish. And I understood Spanish. But actually, it was just a bunch of B-roll of waves And some bullshit

And then We bought that footage that you buy from Disney When you put on those really bad 3D glasses And then the room moves a little bit There's a close up of my eyeball It these things are terrible And they're trying their hardest To make it look like cool and artistic

But it just looks like fucking B-roll nonsense. So what he decides to do is go to the hockey game the next day. It's the next hockey game and he goes up, he rides up on his blades.

And it's really sad because they're like, it's, you know, Jack Black, the bully, Snake is there and everyone's got this team. Like, we're about to take the preppy's on

again for once and for all. And they're like, oh, it's Mitchell, who everybody hates. And then Jack Black's like, yeah, it'll be funny. Let's put him on again. Watch these bullies pound him.

Yeah. And they're like, all right, cool. Mitchell, you're on. Trevor, you're out. And I'm like, oh, fucking Trevor's been training for months for this. Totally. And as a goof, we're putting this other kid in. It is the highlight of this kid's early spring. Exactly. Trevor would later kill himself that man. Also, the message that Mitchell gets from this dream, by the way, because the sharks are the bullies and the wave is Nikki. And he's talking about, like, not wanting to fight whatever. And he goes, that's really disgusting. He says to Seth Green, he's like, you know, you. don't have to fight the shark to get the wave. You know what? You are on the precipice of becoming

a serial killer anyway. Fucking do him. This guy fucking wakes me up. In the middle of the fucking night to tell me about his dream about waves and sharks and this girl he met two days ago. Yep, bite his throat out. Just kill fucking kill him now.

Just tell him, oh yeah, he went back to California. Oh, nice. He left to the. Yeah, he just left. He just bounced. And the way you really convinced people, dude, you fucking destroy that surfboard? It's like, well, the surfboard's gone. He left, man. Oh, yeah, he must have left the surfboards gone. He said it was his Amex, hon.

I don't know, but in the Fargo, she cooks him in the chili. Yeah. And then she puts it on the spaghetti. Fuck, yeah. For when the parents come back. Noah. Noah, are you listening? Scattered his ashes on the skyline chili.

told the people at the restaurant it was pepper. So he starts playing hockey with these kids and then I think Blaine checks him like into next Thursday because Blaine again is Chris Humsworth and this kid is like a little bit taller than Seth. Mark Ruffalo.

Not even you wish. And this was a weird thing though because like we're just checking kids into people's parked cars. Yes. Like they make the boards of the you know like sidewalk rink out of people's parked cars I'd be like excuse me

that's my fucking corolla it's my dad's corolla yeah big time yep exactly right pound you dude I love it when he pounds him Terry silver call back the Karate Kid 3 so to get him back

they're like come on fight me kid fight me and then he doesn't but then he's like I'll know I'll do what Gandhi would do which is pants this kid yeah exactly and we get some fucking What he did to the British Empire? We get some boy taint in this movie, dude.

You see the whole thing of this kid's ass. It's pretty crazy, dude. Somebody never had to use soaking wet toilet paper, I see. Yeah, so he like, he... We hold on this kid's ass for a long time. It's a sexy prank that is committed and everyone loves it and now Mitchell is becoming something of a folk hero. He also, before the pantsing, he's also like for a split

second really excellent at hockey? Yes, yes. I don't think so. No, like you can be good at skating, but that doesn't mean you're good at hockey. Yeah, this kid's a real Mary Sue, man, I got to tell you. It's true. But we saw him training in the botanical gardens. We call that a Mark Steve. He can't be a Mary Sue.

He's a guy. Guys are just, they're born with the proclivity for physicalalities. Is that kid working at a fucking Taco Bell yet? Max Landis? Yes, I think so. That's pretty cool. Well, no, he's got millions of dollars. He's just doing it for fun.

He had a golden pair of shoes. He just wanted to work and talk about fun. Look, look, look. I'm not going to let you guys shit on Max Landis's career. That guy made his own way and he's remaking his dad's most famous movie. So I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. He's made his own way.

You know what? That's some cynical shit you just said right there. That's some cynical shit. He's making bright too. So you take that shit back. One, that's not happening. And also, I don't think the fucking werewolf. Oh, that's right.

All that shit came out about him. Yeah. That's why I asked about Taco Bell. that's right make my fucking gordita you piece of shit no he's just like living yeah he's just ordering from taco he's eating taco bell a lot of late night PS4 and jerking off situation yeah oh it's a real postmate situation he's friends with all the task rabbits so uh come back looking like carl from aquitine oh please please you know what carl from aquitine man he had a fucking better haircut man if you give me like five million dollars for a piece of trash like bright i will happily

go away forever. That's easy. That's a new Patreon level right there. Five million dollars and we'll go away forever. You want us to shut up? Seriously, I will buy a cabin in the woods and vanish from society happily mightily. God,

I want to. God, I want to. Sorry, I have to keep doing this podcast a little while long. God, I want. They wind up, Mitchell runs away. He impresses Nicky and she's like, oh, I love you again. He runs away. but Blaine can't catch him

because the cars are in the way which I'm like Blaine just go over the cars Blaine Blaine Blaine No I think no He's trying to get his car Out of the parking space But they're all jammed together Because we're making hockey boards out of cars

Steve how tall you You think you're talking to Blaine That's a good point Who's talking to me I don't see nobody talking to me That's the other thing That's the only time This kid is taller than Nicky

is when he's on his fucking rollerblades That's why he's on these rollerblades Oh look I'm fucking five I have five foot nine, motherfucker. Natural lifts. And so this brings us pretty much to the end of the movie because he has impressed the bullies. Jack Black is in love with that pantsing bit, loving it.

They wind up all going to Mrs. Poole's house, to Edie McClurek's house, and like they all show up and he's like, oh man, are these bullies going to fuck him up? Are they not? He's like, hey man, great pantsing yesterday. Yeah, solid pantsing, Mitchell, solid pantsing from the goose. Oh, you popped your cherry. And everyone's like, yay!

Hey, by the way, movie, we have to do a roller blade race tomorrow. And Mitchell, we want you in. Now, this is something I think is really important. We do have a lot of young fans. A really important rule. Never follow a bully to a second location. I don't care if they're like, oh, man, you're in the gang now. Cool.

Hey, what do you mean? Is it just fake it a lot tomorrow? And we'll do a fun prank on somebody else. And going with a friend does not count if that friend looks like Seth Green. If that friend looks like Dwayne Johnson, fine. Yes. But if you look at like, if Seth Green is your fucking, you know, lieutenant commander here.

If you're in high school, if you're in high school at all, just realize that none of these people matter. Even your friends are fucking garbage and you're never going to see them again in your life. So who gives a fuck? Just stay home and watch cartoons. Exactly.

But just never, just never follow a bully to a second location. Never follow anyone. Fuck them all. You'll be gone. You'll graduate. You'll never see them again. You've got a podcast.

It's all going to be there. Exactly. You don't have an X to grind at all. Did we mention fuck Max Landis? Yeah, but so they're like, oh, by the way, this movie's about rollerblading. And they're like, oh, we're going to go on this. There's a rollerblade race tomorrow off the devil's backbone. And everyone's like, what?

And then while they're like, oh, man, you would you not fuck with the devil's backbone. Oh, my God. One time a guy walked down there and he forgot who he was, he was lost, and he was hurt. It was crazy, dude. And then this other time, this fucking dude at the devil's backbone pushed this little kid and the little kid fell and hit his head on the side of this pool and he was bleeding really bad. And then that dude just threw that kid into the pool. And then he was fucking haunting that whole place.

Oh, wow. You know what I heard? You know, I heard the Lochness monster retired to the devil's backbone. You know what? These kids and monsters, they didn't ask to be actors. informational video That's the sasquatch all over the highway

right there What are you talking about the lockness monster I'm talking about the Gearwell del Toro movie Same thing, right shape of water Oh yeah that's it

You guys were to say that There's a lot of courses available The devil's backbones You want the logness monster To fuck her Uh huh Uh huh, uh huh Fascinating

Sure Best picture Oh dude you want to go You want to go down Pans lab brother man oh fuck he's gonna go down blade two never follow a pan to a labyrinth oh definitely not any jinns pans anything care about the spanish civil war don't go don't go down there never follow anyone into a maze that's that's a real that's a real good actually that's the thing if you follow

a pan into a labyrinth man it means by the way spoiler alert you're already dead you don't know you're a ghost yes that's all Guillermo del Toro movies. Everyone's really dead. Nobody knows the ghosts, man. Yeah. You could be a ghost right now. That's what Pacific Rim was all about. So the little aliens inside the big monsters, they were dead

the whole time. Exactly. Everyone's dead. Oh, man. Meet me tomorrow. Pacific Rim. Oh, man. So they wind up going to, they're going to be involved in this race. The race is, by the way, it's down the devil's backbone. It's all the bullies

versus all the preps. But the first three men through the finish line win. That's how your side wins. And these gangs of bullies love playing for three because in that first hockey game, it's first to three goals wins. I see. I guess they're busy. How does anyone traverse, quote,

unquote, the devil's backbone? You would think it's just a big hill in town. Yeah. And you go down the hill and like, you go down McAllister Street and by the end of it, that's the end of it. You can't call, you can't nickname a thing like that.

You can't give something like that a nickname if it's just a series of connected streets in a neighborhood. But they're not even, it's like, all right, go down. When do they sit down with a map and tell Mitchell how to go, all right, you're going to go down to McAllis, you're going to make a left on McDougal. Then you're going to do the caddy corner down to Roger Street. And then the...

Who's the drunk homeless man that originated this? My walk home, that was the devil's backbone it was. Crazy junk pedestrians. You just wander around the suburbs for about two hours. And then you pass the Denny's. And then you go over the overreach, over the hospital, pass out for four hours. Wait, hold on a second. And then bike down the path down to the waterfront.

Apparently, I'm great at the devil's back. So they have this race. It's a lot of, like, kids going through traffic. Jack Black hits his nerds against a tree. I didn't look at the credits that seriously. but how did they not say these were professional rollerbladers do not attempt this

isn't that team rollerblade it's the 90s it's the 90s that's true get a bruise these kids are weaving in and out of traffic in this movie there's a really impressive stunt where a fucking semi goes through an intersection and all of these kids fucking purposely

eat shit to slide under it and it's like a real stunt like team rollerblade was really doing this this movie's actually good Like, the shots of the... It's good stunt work. I'm sorry, it wasn't black and white and in French, francetish.

I would love it if this movie was exactly the same. It was in black and white, and the track was in French. But listen, these shots and these stunts... They're good. It's good. They're good. You replace the fart rock score

with like a single clarinet playing. Oh, I could see this happening. Somebody recut the last race of this movie Make it look like a French new wave film The score from triplets of Belleville There you go That could do it A nice jumpy guitar

I like that The Phantom Francois Truffautin So it's I mean it's crazy There's a lot of like falling off Like side roads Into trees It's gorgeous

We do see the end of Jack Black Who gets hit in the nerds It's really bad dude I mean he probably popped a testicle This is a bad nutting It's fucking draining all over the people Yeah, that fucking 30-year-old kids going to the hospital. I should have graduated high school 10 years ago.

So, you know, the only one who's consistently good at this race is snake. He's in the lead. He's coming towards the end. It's snake's movie. It's snake and two unnamed preps. Maybe one of the, I think it was, yeah, no, the dolphin guy is a washout. Yes, yeah, he is. With Seth Green.

Which that's very fitting. That is some nice screen right. Blaine is with Jack. Right. Yes. Because they're both fucking eight feet tall. So I figure what happens is those two towers crash into each other? Yes, they do.

And then, oh, what, Mitchell is, like, in a different area. He gets off course and he jumps over a car and jumps down onto the back of, like, a truck that's positioned correctly, that he could use it as a ramp. It's a construction company. It's quite convenient. He goes airborne. He goes airborne. He goes, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, just letting you know. Blaine is trying to catch him and he smacks into the guardrail and falls down to this river or lake.

I don't know which. It's some bad stunt work shooting here though because you can totally see because like this kid eats shit and falls into the river and then like immediately pops back up and you can see the life vest under his t-shirt like puffing up. They should have cut away long before this. But this kid is dead. I mean it was long dead. Dan's life best. This kid is Blaine is dead. Yeah, good. Fuck you, Blaine. But then, yeah, then Jack is down and Mitchell sees the finish line, but he's like, no, no, no, no. That's right. He learns something. And also he's trying to fuck his sister. So he's going to let me make a move here. Learn how to fuck his sister. Got three months. I got to get all the favors I can here. He's like, hey, Jack, why don't you stop bothering me while I'm trying to have sex with your sister and let's finish this race. Yeah. And they cross the finish line together. The bullies win, which is great. Yeah. The bullies win. I like that. Not bad. A nice, another twist of airborne.

Who's going to tell me when your parents are out of town next time? Come on, Jack. Jack, buddy. Remember when I beat those bullies? Then, dude, we get, okay, well, then now Seth Green and Dolphin Laffer that dropped off. They killed the giggler. Oh, no, the giggler is dead. I wish they killed this kid. They're there. Everyone's getting, you know, getting together. And we get a slow, motion kiss of Mitchell Goose and Goosein'

the sister. Pretty, pretty slow mo by the way. I thought it was a freeze frame for a second, but that fucking earring is dangling and I don't even know it. Seth Green is also making out now with the, who was previously just disgusted with his message.

Well, because she got horny back at the restaurant because Seth Green stepped up when Mitchell did not. He got thrown into a wall. Of course, he was thrown through a wall, practically. But here's my thing. this movie kind of ends like you ever watch a movie on like local television and they're running behind

and like they happen to even though the movie is ending they sort of like squeezing the credits on the right hand and the credits start zooming by they push it over and they go fast how is it illegal I wonder that every time I see that this watch how many people could it save

credits going up next on TBS how many how many could this watch have saved? How long would Schindler's list be with commercials. That's like four hours. It's like four and a half hours probably. Shindler's list actually ends how?

Oh, we have to cut all of that. Oh, yeah. Oh, when they go to the memorial, they just shrink on these actual Holocaust survivors at a memorial and the credits are zippin. And they get a promo for the flash playing over it concurrently. Yeah, yeah, yeah, never forget. Blah, blah, blah.

By the way, never forget, the Mirror Master is in town. but I was pretty disappointed at the end here because it just cuts to credits on them making out. Yeah, dude. There's no like whether or not he goes back to Huntington Beach, whether or not she visits, whether or not he decides to stay with Mrs. Poole and family.

I'll tell you what happens. He finishes her off. And then not, I'm not saying it's a good thing. And then he bounces, goes back to Huntington Beach, does more sex capades there. This guy's a slime.

Oh, never thinks of her again, huh? No, not a chance. He's a Zach Morris type. That's what Zach Morris would do. He'd go town to town, lay a fucking flag in the ground and move on. Stacey Carosi, she got fucking dogged. Oh, totally, dude. When Mitchell's a sad, like 30-year-old loser, he goes through Cincinnati's like,

yeah, I'm going to look her up and be aggressive. That's what happens. That's the end of the story. If he happens to go to college or community college near there. Or he's just like, I've got a bus layover. Well, it's like that really, is it the, is it, uh, I think it's the uncomfortable scene towards the beginning of Anomalisa where like he meets the ex-girlfriend, like at the bar and they like talk for a little bit and it's fucking horrible.

Is that anomalies I'm thinking of? I'm forgetting. There's some sort of like, I'm in town. I think it's anomaly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in town. Like, let's meet up at this hotel bar and hang out. And it's just like fucking horrible.

That's not happiness? No. No, no. He's right. It is an animal. So it's with like Claymation puppets. Yeah, it's puppets.

With Charlie Kaufman. I didn't see it. I like that movie. I missed it. Odd movie. But it's like you need some sort of conclusion. And you got to give me one last scene with Mrs. Pool, man. No.

We're left with, she's like, oh, would you boys like some grape collaid? Yeah. Or condoms? Now remember boys, wrap it up. Do you need a demonstration? Father, get in here.

Well, there is a scene with them where she's like, oh, father, I'm getting frisky. Yeah, she gets, yeah, what was that? I don't know what's going on. Like, something happens. Like, somebody does something like, ooh, father, I'm getting frisky. I think what happens is the dad is like, well, would you look at this mother? I found a different kind of casserole recipe.

Maybe he did his John Wayne impression. Oh, right. He does do a John Wayne thing. Oh, father looks like someone didn't wipe their ass, hon. Oh, all that fecal matter is making me frisky. Oh, God. Don't kinkshan. I'm not.

Also, yeah, I mean. I would never. I have a fetish for Mrs. Poole. Could you not? Could we not watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Nine times. Oh, that's the one. Oh, my God.

So this movie's over. We sort of address this, but would anybody recommend it? Oh, it's a we love movies for me. I've seen it. Probably not as much as Eric, I've seen it quite a bit growing up. And I, yeah, it just holds up. It's a perfect, it is in that Encino Man bubble.

Like the fashions are the same. Yeah. The bully culture is very similar. I really dig it. It's kind of a hangover movie. Yeah. I think in a way. It is, it is difficult to like this, this main character.

Oh, sure. But other than that, I mean. He's Roy from the Simpsons episode. Yeah. Oh, Mr. S. Don't pay attention to it. it much, it's great. Yeah, I'm with Steve on this. I think it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, it's an enthusiastic yes for me. It is just silly and I'm sure part of that is my nostalgia for it of sure.

It's just a dumb 90s movie you could watch. I really, I really had fun with it. I'd never seen it before. This was one of those like I'd seen the like poster a bunch. Uh, just kind of always skipped it. Um, but you know, I think maybe also it's kind of a little bit of, I'm giving some leniency because we just watched fucking two Tim Allen movies back to back. Yeah, two Tim Allen movies and a Shrek, dude. I had a Shrek, yeah. That's true.

And lost in space. It's been a rough April. As I said, it was just for me, I'm more of a rad person. Oh, rad, of course. Oh, rad. I've never seen rad. Oh, it's great.

This is better. Josh, no. My opinion. This is Josh Brolin Prime. Oh. Just like a Sunday. You want to eat a month. Oh, Thanos on a skateboard?

I like that. That's Airborne, directed by Rob Bowman. if you want more we hate movies, check out WadjMpodcast.com or find us over on the headgum network, rate and review the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. Patreon.com slash we hate movies, all sorts of tiers, all sorts of bonus content over there. Facebook.com slash we hate movies at WHModcast on Twitter. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com is the old mailbag.

Speaking of Tim Allen movies, our Patreon episode this month that is getting, like a lot of people are saying how it's one of the best episodes. A lot of good reviews. We've done, period, jungle to jungle. That's right. Up there at the $5 level, if you want more Max Landis, we have an episode on Bright, we have an episode of Man of Steel up there,

Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance, and a bunch of other stuff. We're about to do transcendence in a little bit. 20 exclusive to Patreon animation damnations, which is actually the, we just posted, I think it's like the 50th animation damnation. That's wild. There's 20 of them on the Patreon. So yeah, check it out.

And then also, $8. level. The Nexus, our Star Trek Recap podcast. That is correct. We're doing an arena this month. That's the big one. That's the Gorn, baby. Yeah. We can't wait to talk about that Goren. Steve Sadek, what do we got coming up next week on the program?

You know, we're getting on in years. We're going to take a look at the bucket list. Oh. Jack Nicholson. I'm ready to die. Morgan Freeman's also in this movie. What do they do? Is this the one where they go to Vegas and be old? No, they

drink shit. No, they're going global. They're globally old. Oh, globally old. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Then they're going on trips and being assholes. Well, until next week, where we go on a trip and be an asshole, I'm Andrew Jupes. Steven Seda. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.