We Hate Movies - S8 Ep355: Episode 355 - Dollman

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang chats about a flagship film in the Full Moon Entertainment catalog, Dollman! How amazing are all these ultra-violent, ultra-cheap special effects? Why does Jackie Earle Haley want to "rule" the Bronx? And why couldn't we see Dollman standing next to a giant Coke can or something? PLUS: The latest in ridiculous WHM fake movie titles — We Bought A Zoo 2: We Blew Up A Zoo! Dollman stars Tim Thomerson, Jackie Earle Haley, Kamala Lopez, Humberto Ortiz, Nicholas Guest, and Frank Collison; directed by Albert Pyun. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On today's program, the world of the pseudo-comic book movie. It's Dahlman. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Siddak. Eric Sisk. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone.

Welcome to today's fine program where we're going to talk about Albert Pyons Dollman from 1991. What? Yes, this is a we love movies, of course. I don't know, I didn't turn my key on that one. Welcome back to Jumping the Gun with Eric Siska. you know what I'll see how I feel

at the other end of this that's like ordering octopus for the table you're not sure if everybody's into it I love octobus yeah yeah yeah I have a seafood allergy another round for my friend I'll die Albert Pion by the way we need to stress director of previous episode

stressed this previous episode that 1990s Captain America movie I think that might now be available on our back catalog archive, which is on the Patreon. Oh, Patreon only. Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. That's pretty great. And in that movie, I think the idea is the Red Skull is no longer a Nazi villain, but in fact, a rich Italian real estate development.

He's a Mussolini Millionaire, they call it. Welcome back to TLC's Mussolini Millionaires. That'll happen. Or I guess HGTV. One of his, I think is his granddaughter. It's like a senator there now. Oh, wow. That's a tough ride.

Should you get in the band back together? No one cares. That's the thing. You couldn't imagine, like, Senator Hitler. Of course they don't care. Senator Hitler. The floor will acknowledge. Senator Hitler.

So, Eric, you love this movie so much. What is it about? Like, what's the elevator pitch for this movie? I just pressed 16. You've got that long. Oh, my Lord. Okay, so. Oh, there, 15, 14.

Oh, my God. Going up. No, no, start making. I'm going to hit all the buttons. me more time. It's about a, okay, so it's a hard as nail cop on a different planet. Arturis. Planet Arturus. And then he goes to planet Earth. Right. Where on, because he's an alien man. Sure, man. On Earth, he's like six inches tall. Right. So that's why people nickname him the doll man once he arrives. Oh, so it's really more of like a slanderous term. Yes. A slur. Yes. Well, he does call people giants and he

hates fucking giants. That's true. He does. Yeah, so I mean, it's dirty Harry in that Twilight Zone episode where that lady is like hacking up those little aliens but uh-oh, it was Earth the whole time and the aliens were tiny. That's right. Or the other way around. I forget how that works. I don't remember what Rod Serling told me to think at the end of that one. I'll tell you what's interesting about

this planet, Arturis. Yes. On it, they have something very similar to the police. It's called the police. And it's spelled the police. They also speak English. And then once they arrive on Earth, they just continue speaking English. They do this thing called laundry.

That's interesting. And we're calling it a laundromat. It's written out in laundromat. But it's also, we have like regional accents and whatnot. Because a lot of these like, quote unquote, like criminals in this world, they're like, hey, scumbag. Yeah. And we're like, wait, what? So yeah, we start off, it's a very long credit sequence.

This movie is 80 something minutes and it's like 69 minutes of content. A lot of credits. A lot of credits. Also, we should, we should mention this is a full moon enter. entertainment production. Look out for these cheesakes. You thought Canon was bad. Here comes Full Moon Entertainment.

Don't you speak. Get Cannon's name out your mouth. Like, they are great compared to this shit. I saw on Amazon, like, Full Moon has like a package. You could be like a monthly subscriber. I had a free subscription of that for when I got my Roku or whatever. And it would be like trying to watch any of those movies. Like, I'm not going to watch any of those.

Was it a subscription, but like commercials are in them? Probably. Again, I never got that far. We were like, oh, this size like fun. You didn't want to watch trancers? Trancers is good. Trancers is a good movie. Moonstalker, I remember being okay.

Which one is that? I think it's like a, it's a big foot or a werewolf or something. But that sounds fun. Castle Freaks fine. Oh, right. But I feel like last night, we all watch it. It's a Saturday morning, FYI, Saturday afternoon. We all kind of watch us on a Friday night because we had a busy week.

And someone at the full moon entertainment office was like, holy shit, we got four. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Let me call the president. Do we have the bandwidth for this? Fuck, someone is watching this more than one at a time. They're going to sink us.

Get extra pickles with the pastrami. We got four today. They should do a canon channel thing. Oh, my, can you imagine? The whole library. Movies worth watching. I would watch that whole thing. Anything that I haven't seen yet, I would watch it immediately.

End to end. Or Vestron video. Do it. Yes. Oh, a Vestron thing will be pretty cool. Now, this is, it's, this world of full moon and attimmymy. Because by the way, this is, I believe, the FMU, the full moon universe, according to Wikipedia's. No, we're not saying that, are we? Dude, it's a full thing because there's a comics line involved in this, but this world encapsulates the dollman

universe, the evil toys universe. Demonic toys. Which, by the way, demonic toys is written by David S. Goyer. That checks out. So they do a sequel to both demonic toys and Dalman, that's demonic toys versus Dalman or the other way around. I think it's called Dollman versus the demonic toys. You've got to lead with the better movie, right? Yeah, that's true. But even David Escoyer gets character credit on that movie.

Oh, no, big time. And do not forget this, the puppet master franchises roped up into all this. Yeah. Is it? The puppet master. I thought demonic toys was the competitor to the puppet master. Well, isn't bad channels as the other one. There's apparently a nurse in that movie that gets shrunk.

Oh, stuff. She becomes the girlfriend of Dalman. What is the deal with the little puppet master's? guy with the little reverend hat and he's got a long white hair. He's their leader. Oh, he's the boss? He's like a punching nun or something? Yeah, I don't know. He's got a knife or something, right? He's like a knife stab guy. He does have a he's got a hook hand is what it is. Actually, interesting enough, yeah, uh, Jackie Earl Haley is in Doll Man. He also played that doll. Oh, did it really? No. Oh, no. Well, it's a lot of guff for Jackie Earl Haley to be the tallest guy in Doll Man. That's never happened before.

He was pretty proud of this. I guess that explains all the enthusiasm he shows on screen. Yeah, so we open up. It's Planet Arturos, which is great pizza. Which is great pizza. Brick oven. Just good sandwiches.

You know, the sandwiches are okay. You really want to stick with the pizza if you go to Arturo. It's good pizza. There is no child sex ring in the basement. That doesn't exist. Unlike some other galactic pizza. That's what I want you to think. You got to go to planet fart.

You got to go to planetfart. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, the basement is invisible did they say that that they try that I mean I don't know what he I will say I'll put a little pin in something there's a death in this movie that I wish Alex Jones suffers oh nice

I'll put a pin in that be sure to point it out because if it's one thing positive I can say about this movie there's a lot of pretty cool deaths there's also I gotta say there is also a sex ring in the basement of the alamo they also have Peewee Herman's bicycle and up to no good have you been to Planet Hollywood people Planet Hollywood

They have stolen There is a naked demolition man When you come inside It is in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina The tourist destination For the United States of America They're eating garbage At Planet Hollywood

Lawrence Fish Burns Lawrence Fishburn's demonic turban Is in that place So yeah we're in Planet of Tourists And there is a Scumback crackhead like what of the Doctor Who's, you know what I mean? Like the one, the curly-haired one?

Oh, that Wiley motherfucker? Yeah, I thought he looked like, oh, geez, now it's not going to come to me. Oh, what's the, what was that CD-ROM movie we were talking about? Excuse me? What the fuck was it called? With, yeah, brain-skinned. He kind of looks like the trickster. Oh, a little bit, yeah, kind of, sort of.

So he's like, I think he's done some crime. And now he's like, on the run. Right. And from the police, who it just spelled the police. Yes. And he goes into a laundromat, which is just spelled laundromat. Like, it takes no time at all to make up a fake bullshit alien language. And, like, it looks like police, but it says, like, dot, dot, dot, or don't bother.

That's a great idea. What do you mean? Just have no signifiers on the walls? You can just have, like, a symbol, like a star with two, like, fucking lines. They should go, they should lean in. They should do that because they should, like, judge dread. Because that's kind of what this is, this world that seems similar. But you wouldn't be able to have hilarious gags, like the soon-to-be-named doll man,

walk in with his sack of laundry to this laundromat and make a big fucking deal about doing laundry in the middle of this movie. They have future guns like these blasters and stuff. This is an advanced society more than earth, yet they're still using the dry laundry. I can't have to be a tiepons. Figured it out, man. Just that powder dude. And I believe it's also coin operated.

It is, it is. So doll man goes by the name of Brick Bardot. pretty shitty detective name which I read Albert Pion puts that name in like all of his movies

for some reason Oh man What a tidbit If you're if you're a Pion head As none of us are You'd be like Oh man brick bardo I can't believe he snuck that

Into another one Good one Pion What a genius So yeah So this guy winds up Taking hostage at this laundromat There's a bunch of Overweight ladies

And overweight children Is that how they say it? They're fat ladies It's a bunch of fat. It's an Al Bundy joke. For sure, it really is. It reminded me of Judge Dred for that because in those comic books

there's like all these like disgusting abhorrent fat people. Yeah. That's how they're presented. It's bizarre. Body shaming in space. It's weird though, man, because if you look at the credits,

it's like nothing, nothing, nothing until you get to the very bottom where this one poor woman is just credited as distraught fat woman. Come on. Come on. man. That's not going on your real. But then he's like doll man himself, this brick of bardo is like he keeps calling

his one kid like fat kid. Yeah, fat boy. Oh fat boy. Look out fat boy. He's credited as tubbo. No, is he really? Oh my lord with the jokes Chris Gavin. I think I got credited as tubbo. I got tagged on Facebook as tubbo. Somehow Facebook dude is to link your profile in Tubbo. But it's so what the guy does, kind of smartly

he makes a rich because I was like what is this guy's like a small skinny dude I'm like you never want to take a hostage that's bigger than you

in any stand you know what I guess that's true but what he does is he makes a kind of a human wall around it's a circle of fat people

the Hussain attack people river of fat people we're going to make a wall out of fat that's right I'm going to the border I'm using America's

greatest natural resource which is obesity no one has ever thought to use obesity like this everybody who drinks monster is going to the southern border but what's awesome about this though is like so this is what happens

this dude like surrounds himself with all these overweight individuals to which Brick Bardot comes in and he's just like oh really buddy you think I have a problem murdering these fat people I'll shoot right through all these fat bugs and the whole fat people are shaking

in their boots Does he listen? Because he's been thrown off the force, right? He's suspended at this point, but like he's on the way here anyway because he's unhinged. He's a lunatic. He's looking for trouble. Do you think that he's just like listening to a police scam? Yes, I do. This is a good one for me. But then like this guy who's like in charge of the scene is this like, yeah, Barter will figure it out. Who'd do hell with the mayor?

Anybody notice who that was? The dude with the mustache? No, the guy with slick back hair. Isn't it guest? Nicholas Guest of National Lampoon's Christmas vacation. Oh, Brad. I don't know, Margo. Oh, fuck. Wow.

That guy's some sort of bullshit Christopher Guest royalty in some way. He's his brother. Yeah, well... Is he really? Yes. No. Yes. That guy's way more handsome than Christopher's.

Really? Yeah, Nick Guest's daughter, Elizabeth Guest. What? We're not invited to these things? Well, excuse me, excuse me, we're on the air. You drop this information. I'm sorry. Is that why you're calling him Nick guest?

Have you met this guy? No, I have not met Nick Guest. I've only met his wife and his daughter. Whoa. Dude, when you meet this guy, you got to slip. and I don't know, Margo. Oh, I'm sure he's never heard that one before. Well, no, you just go up to it and like,

and why is the carpet all wet, Todd? Someone had to break the stereo. Well, no, I have to, I got to bring out one of the ones from Dollman because then he'd be like, you saw that? You're the one? Yeah, you were the cop that was wearing sunglasses at night, and the mayor yelled at you for it. Well, he's like, Don, he's like kind of like a doll man stand, you might say.

He's like a big, like, oh, dollman will figure it out. And that's why he's not called doll man yet He's Brick Bardo But like he's got Stangland A fan We went over this before See previous episode

Where we had this conversation What happened, Andrew To fill you in Okay To the conversation you had Yeah Steve likes to read All the young terms On the internet

Questionably why I don't know So he brought thirsty to the show Thirsty I've since learned He brought Stan And do you have any Do you have a new one for us? You dropped snack recently

Oh snack I like Yeah That's a good What does that mean Someone's yummy No someone's hot Oh, that dude's a snack. Like you see someone you want to eat him.

There is no one in this movie is a snack. Not a single snack to be found. Tim Thomas. I wouldn't nimbled on some of the same. Tim Thomerson is like a beef jerky snack, you know? I chew on him for a while. Oh, it's like two for 45 cents. Yeah, Tim Tomerson is a snack.

You get at a gas station in the middle of the American Southwest. Yeah, it's very true. It's like, well, I guess I'll have to eat this guy. There's nothing good. There's no hotties for miles. I guess I'll just take this snake jerky. so uh oh him he's snake jerky

no but what i'm saying is he's like the brick bardo's biggest fan because he's like brick bartle solved the situation and there's a joke about how he's wearing sunglasses at night like brick bardo does so he's like oh he's like a wannabe yeah okay yeah i could see that sure so like he's like a role model this this doll man so brick barda goes in and he's like hey i got to change

he's just doing a really bad dirty horror the entire so embarrassing especially in this first scene it is like it is right from one of those movies I think wait has he threatened any fat people in film I'm sure what Clint East would or just you mean Dirty Harry probably oh I'm sure at least one yeah I don't know

I don't remember those like middle sequels because like the first one I've seen a bunch the Deadpool we did an episode on right oh the that second one's like kind of good but I don't remember maybe fat people were threatened assault on fat high that's Dirty Harry 4 I think it's a sequel to the gauntlet

it's actually yeah that's just him he's it's kind of like a substitute rip off at that point. All right, fat kids. No one's going to get any snacks until I see a pull up. That's right. Climb that rope, Tubbs. No budging, you fat soos.

He would love that. He would have eaten that roll up. But no, so he comes in and he's like, I'm just trying to do my whites and my colors. And it's like, oh, man, laundry jokes. That's great. So not only are they still doing laundry, they have to separate whites and colors.

In the same exact way you would on Earth. That's strange. It's a weird thing. It's not too different. Yeah, this is a, this is a dumb idea. So what he does is he has his gun and like the little kids like, oh my God, this is most powerful gun in the galaxy. Does this kid say that?

He think he does. He even says, it's a Krieger blaster? It's a, wait, there's a name for it, which I was not paying attention. I thought it was Kruger Blaster, but on Wikipedia it says Groger or something. Oh, okay. But I thought it said Kruger. That's the only gun to kill Freddy Kruger.

That's a good movie. Dollman versus Nightmar and Elm Street. That's pretty good. But the more terrifying sequel, I think, is Dollman versus Kroger. And it's Chad Kroger, dude. Oh, my God. You got to fucking hunt that dude down and his curly mullet. And they're in the grocery store chain, Kroger's.

I like the way you're a small doll. You know anybody who seriously listens to that man? No, no. Nickelback. I know, I'm saying. Oh, no, who, who, who? Avril Levine. But so, um,

What he does is he goes up to this ring of fat people. He kind of scares him into falling over. And then they crush the guy before he can do anything bad. That's what reminded me of the Judge Dread comics. Approach with caution. Well, even with that, I would feel like he would be smooched. Like he was like blood and guts. So he saves the day.

But the mayor is furious because I forget why because they're still. Because he, first of all, he was suspended. He just doesn't like his attitude. I think somebody was in cardiac arrest or something. Because the mayor also said to give into the demands, give this guy what he wants. I can't deal with any more bad press. Does anybody remember what

he wanted? Yes, I know exactly. He wants a ship to get off planet. Oh, okay. That's what's so crazy about this because the police commissioner, whoever this dude is, is just like, yeah, fuck it, give it to him. Yeah, let him just leave this earth of ours. Give him a beat up one. It's our churros of ours.

Oh, right. So he winds up um he goes home and he winds up listening to this weird uh news broadcast where and this is never explained never explored he also he also lives in like this like warehouse oh we love warehouses that's future people live in it's weird that he goes from one planet full of warehouses and he lands smack dab in the middle of a bunch of other warehouses on a different planet yeah what are the odds it's almost like they're cheap to rent it's almost as if that's the way to do that what is with like i was waiting for like a cheap cover of like sunglasses at night or something like they could afford that like i wear my dark

glasses at night i wear my dark glasses or doll glasses little sunglasses so cute that'd be so adorable but so he goes home and there's a news report about what he just did but the weird thing is they they're they're thick either so this is the thing they're like oh actually 20 people died and this many people. It was a blood bath at the laundromat and this that and the other thing. And like, you're not sure exactly what... I think it's a... It's a frame job. Because like the whoever is like the bad

people in charge own the media and they're getting the like the wrong word out. Or did the police just kill all those fat people and blame it on bardo to be rid of him for good. Either way it's a lie. The mayor forced Nicholas

guest into going in there and executing it. Oh, it's like L.A. Confidential. Exactly. This movie is the blueprint for what would become. Curtis Hanson loves this shit. I would guarantee.

Sorry. Oh, he's he. Oh, yeah. He's RIP. Oh, the number of dead people actually in this series. You got to count? I do. 3.6 dead.

And I'm like, at 1.4 were children. Yes. What are we talking about? They measure death differently on planet art. I guess so. So it looks like your arm is dead. Your leg is dead. your liver's failing

One ball is gone But otherwise you A-OK This one over here Has got a dead dick I think I'm at least Like point three dead Right now

Oh yeah At least maybe point four Well the liver You got a lot of points in the liver Yeah got a lot of points in the liver Like will to live in general Like getting up on a Monday morning That's low

Yeah Very low Very low Patreon.com Might want to encourage that So yeah So it's this thing And then this guy

breaks into his apartment and knocks him out he wakes up in a field of warehouses and he's like, what is going on? And this is when we meet this gang led by what's this dude's name? I don't know his name. He's been in a bunch. Jackie Earl Haley.

No, he always reminds me of Richard Edson, so I just say Richard Benson. Who's Richard Edson? He's from Mario Brothers and Down by Law. Mario Brothers. And Ferris Bueller's Day Off, he's the guy in the car at the garage attendant who takes his car. Oh, yeah. That guy's great. You're right. He was a

Gumba, right? Yeah. Oh, was he really? Yeah. He got his. I was just thinking of, I was thinking of music legend Mojo Nixon. He does, he takes the car out and Ferris Bueller's and does the jump with it. They do the Star Wars music. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So this dude isn't in this movie? Yeah, no, the character name is Sprug and the actor's name is Frank Collison. He's been in a lot. This is the head. This is the head. Yes, the floating head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been in a ton of stuff. He's in, oh, brother. He's in a brother he's in so it's a crime boss who is apparently was a major rival of doll man back on doll planet archeros and uh doll man what was his name brad bird a brick bricks brick bardo

he apparently shot off every limb of this crime boss he robocopped him yeah throughout their adventures sick that now this dude is just reduced to a floating head it's like crank yeah It's kind of like Crang. Oh, man, I've given you unlimited technology. But this guy is hovering on like a dodged dart. Yeah. Dude, and that's, this is that you wanted, if you had to be like, hey, so what kind of money was doll man working with, right? Look no further than this character.

Because when they are zooming in on this dude, it's clearly just the actor like sitting on the floor with like a fake thing around his neck to just be like this head. But it is so close. Like, we're not even bothering. to make this thing look like it's floating. And then we have another puppet that a puppet head that we use at different shots. It's a lot of fun.

The weird thing is it Steve. Steve, it's a ball. I just feel like if I had lost all my limbs and body to doll man, first things first before I go back for dollman. Yes. Give me some sort of mex suit. I need like,

you know what? I'm going to splurge for the mex suit before I go for full vengeance. A low tier like crime lord on alien planet can fuck a mexu? It sounds like a lot of money. Too expensive? Yeah, I think so.

But he could have a spaceship. Well, he's got a space bomb. Or just get me a dude and cut his head off and put me on there. Yeah, maybe one of those. Head transplant. Didn't we just do a dick transplant? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What IRL? Yeah. Is that right? I think so. How'd it go? I think it worked. Really? You know what this time?

Make me 6-3. Find somebody 6-3. Wow, what a dream that'd be. Wow, that's a big dick. Oh, you're saying if we cut off your huge melon. Yes. You'd want to put on like a taller person's head. Yes, for sure.

That'd be nice. I see. Oh, wait. Put your head on a taller person instead of putting a taller person's head on you. Larry Bird can't have that many years ahead of them. Oh, I don't want Larry Bird's body, yikes. Oh, come on, Steve, my knees are okay. I'm looking at your price point, Steve. My body is a roadmap of pain.

You ever see the wrestler? It's like that, but with basketball living in an Indiana castle. Here, little child, here's a dandelion. Oh, my God. Frankenbird. Fuck yeah, dude. So this head's like, hey, fuck you, doll man. I'm going to Earth.

You can eat shit. And, like, magically, this head has his own spaceship. Dahlman blasts all of his friends with this super gun, which you find out that he has. These people are popping like water balloons. It's a lot of fun. It's not half bad. Right? Right.

Not half bad. We're talking folks at home. We're talking about chunks and blunks. I don't know what that is. But, like, people are being destroyed on sims of people. Just fucking obliterating. Blunks are actually Eric's word for kidneys. Yes, that's right.

I've got to go two new ones. There's some guy that, like, kind of lives through it, and he's like, just a pile of mess, and then the head needs, like, smoking a cigarette. This looks like something out of street trash. Yeah. It's just this dude's a talking head sitting in a pile of his own viscera. It's a lot of fun. I loved it.

I loved how cheap and shitty this is. So the arrival, like, when we go from his apartment to this field of warehouses, there's like a still shot. It's like a genuine still shot of just like this crappy cutout of a spaceship. Oh, right. And then it's like it's like a poochie on him. I'm going off to earth. They just filmed some dude.

His hand was out of frame. He's carrying like the cell off frame kind of a thing. Absolutely. And then he's chasing him. This is all really bad. And if you're listening in that earlier scene when he's at his apartment, they talk about weird energy bands around the planet. They wind up hitting one of these energy bands.

Watch out for that, fat boy. And then you better run fat boy. And speaking of you better run fat boy, we're in the Bronx. We fly all the way back to my hometown of the Bronx. Can we remind people what you better run fat boys about just in case anyone's new to the show? I was just sort of, it was in the North Bronx, which is where I was from, and it was late at night. I was trying to catch a bus and I start jogging towards the bus

just jogging and some guy for no reason just looks at me and I'm like 12 years old like yeah you better run fat boy and I was like you know what I thank you for the note sir and I'm going to fucking pump these legs like the next one don't come to 952 oh by the way dude there was a reason

for that oh yeah don't say there was no reason so I really ran so it's so this movie now depicts the Bronx as an industrial weight The world has gone wrong. It's incredible. It's like every shot is either a gang member, drug activity, hookers, or just like random people.

Steve? Yeah. What a time to be alive every time. You were alive in the Bronx while they were making this movie. I was, but this is, A, we're not making this movie in the Bronx. We took one camera crew for like a crackhead B-roll. Yes, it looked. No, there's B-roll there.

No, there's B-roll. But then, like, when you see all those like burnt out husks. of buildings. It looks like Death Wish 3. Those are just like fake things in L.A. There's like one shot of the one above ground and I think that's about it. But we're looking at this whole thing

to this score of this rap music. It looks like what was it, Rome Year Zero or something to give someone's an Italian neorealist. Oh yeah. Oh, Germany Year Zero. Right, right. Rome Open City. Yes. But both of those. It's a rubble film

as well I'm trying to say. Yeah, it might as well be footage from, like, post-war Italy. And it's just like... These two movies, threads. You can still get pizza. Doom. Doom to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Yep, that's how you know you're over and over.

And then some of this is hip, pop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, yeah. Yeah. That's, it's like the yeah song. While all the people are doing and buying drugs, if you want a better version, so Eric,

I think you might want to sniff this one out because it seems like you want to see the hell hole that was the Bronx with Steve Sadeck was growing up. I don't look it up on the Tribune. There's a movie that's called 1990-190-190 colon Bronx Warriors. I've seen part of this. Yeah, this is also a mystery science theater.

Correct. Oh, did they do it on MST3K? Yes, it's one of my favorite one, right? Yes, one of my favorite jokes is it's this announcement. It's like, you must leave the Bronx. You must leave the Bronx. And they showed this guy with a big mollet. And I think Crow's like, you know, Mike, I'm a pretty good judge of people who are going to leave the Bronx. This guy's not leaving the Bronx. Is that your father's? Yeah, yeah, exactly. They have the movie in its entirety on shutter. It's worth the watch just for like the on location Scuzz New York City alone. Good Bronx shooting of actually like, of actually my neighborhood was the movie The Wanderers, like was filmed pretty much up the street. Oh, that's a good gang movie. It is a good gang movie. Yeah. Philip Coffin. What game were you in?

The runaway. The sharks, I think. Well, we won't mention it on the show. We don't want any... We don't want him to get a head on him. He was in the baseball cowards. They just played baseball and went home. They played street fighter at home with Doritos.

Yeah, exactly. It was a lesser-known gang from the Warriors. We were the Blancas because I would stay at home and be Blanca. But if you were to come into that house where they were all eating Doritos and playing video games, you'd get really messed up. They'd get really messed up. Yeah, my dog would really. hump your leg. Better glow, fat

boy. So he goes to Earth. He goes to Earth. We realize that he's a very small man and this is the problem with this movie. Like, what we need in this movie. And it's fine. And I like the premise. We need a hero. We need

some prop department to get me a 20 foot Coke can. Like, that's what I want. Or like a four foot Coke can or whatever, you know, however the percentages work out. Would Coke agree? Would Coke agree to be in? this. But like even like a Shasta.

Oh, this is a tab movie of everything. Or get white rock seltzer from Queen's original Melo yellow maybe. But yeah. This could be a mellow yellow production. But I'm just saying there's never a scene in this

entire movie wherein he interacts with something. No, because we're just filming him as is around like a bunch of rubble or just exclusively in the cockpit of this spaceship. Yes. Yeah. And that's, it's how you really cheap out on something like this. Most of Tim Thomerson is just like fucking shit in front of him and him in the middle. It's so much of them like pretending to talk to each other.

Like him. Give me a big pencil that he uses. Exactly. Just anything. So there was this lady in the neighborhood named, I think, Debbie. Debbie. Debbie, yes. With one B and one on.

Debbie Alejandro, I think. Yes. Yes. And she wants the, the crime out of her neighborhood. She's going home one day and she starts kicking this dude's ass. This is amazing. Oh, I love this. Never do this.

It seems like a mistake. Bad idea. She's even throwing rocks and stuff with this dude. She's like, don't sell that crap in my neighborhood. I'm like, you know what, dude? That's not your neighborhood anymore. Yep. Well, exactly.

Well, this is a fantasy film, Steve. Well, they instantly kidnap her basically in this crazy van. And then they drag her out and they're going to pour gasoline on her and burn her alive. Sure. That's how they did it in the Bronx back then. Definitely. Everyone dust it in the Bronx. This is like, you could have had a really good crossover here with Charles Brunson and the

Death Wish movies. That's happening at the same time. All right. Well, because this is, it's definitely Death Wish 3 is the same place. The husks of burnt out New York City building. Okay, doll man. The only way we're going to both be able to infiltrate this gang is if you hide in my butthole for a little while.

It's going to be warm and dry in there. Get up. Get up here, dollman. You are standing on the shoulders of giants. Hop in, dollman. Hey, dollman. You're not you're not that small. Actually, I could wear this coat you have.

Actually, yeah, he would make a pretty great partner for Charles Bronson. So it's like Tim Thomas in this movie is like one, it's what, one to six ratio to humans? Charles Bronson's 13 inches big. Right, so Charles Bronson would be like 30 inches big in real life.

28. 28. So it's like an in-between evolutionary. Where a couple of dull men taken over the neighborhood comes in riding an aunt. Do a Photoshop of the evolution of man with doll man Charles Bronson an ape and then a Shrek

I think the Shrek is the end game Yeah so of course we're all going there That's yeah we're all going to wind up like Shrek Doll man James Cromwell is about Charles Bronson's heighten at I will say one thing I didn't And I feel stupid for not getting this Like not seeing this coming a mile away Which is that his gun is so powerful on his planet

Yeah So when he actually gets shrunk down The gun will actually do damage to people who are much bigger than him yeah that's like some ant man shit i was very surprised by that i was like wow you'd think it would just be like beo you know how did someone shoot me so she's getting covered in gasoline to be burned alive and then doll man just pops up and shoots these brutes uh-huh and they explode yet again yeah they do it's like bad like gun violence but it's not as bad as like exploding exploding but like they're just like huge chunks are missing it's like squibs but like dog

food's in there or something. It's great. Yeah, there are chunks coming out of these guys. If you made Dahlman today, they would just do that CGI blood that's unwatchable. Totally. You get some dog food, put a grenade around it, and there you go. Call it a day.

That's your movie. Now you've got a movie. It's true. Oh, you guys are going to come to my band's show. Yeah, we're calling ourselves dog food grenade. People would go. It's a grindcore band. They definitely would be.

We're called doll man versus demonic toys. We're being sued by Full Moon Entertainment pretty radically right now. Our music is exactly what you think it is. Experimental jazz rock. And you know it cool? We are looking for a new bass player because he's been arrested for child pornography.

The old way. Yeah, yeah, it's fine, man. You would dink third times a charm. Nope. Nobody wanted David to be. the band anyway. First base player, alcoholic, second one, wife killer, third one,

child pornography. Wow, this band has had quite a sordid past. And now we've got full moon entertainment on our back. The worst of all. Oh, man. So, yeah, he saves the day. Yeah, well, no, I was just going to say, like, this woman, what's her name? Debbie.

Debbie, I almost said, Gina. Debbie is also part of this community watch group. Yes. Which this is kind of a sad meeting Because they have to like meet in somebody's like tiny apartment And it's like four people who kind of care And then she invites this like politician in Or is he like a police commissioner

He might even be the mayor, who knows I think it would be the commission And they're filming it He's a candidate he's running for something Oh, oh that's right They're filming this and there's no lights on in this room at all It's like dark as fuck How is this even a lot of it?

Like it's okay to light a movie Well no but I think it's like they're supposed to be hiding out because, like, you know, some of the criminals in the neighborhood might snuff them out. But to Eric's point, like you can't do a campfire at night. The roads are dangerous. This is like a photo op, but you can't even see

this guy when you look at the footage. Like, oh, I'm voting for Shadow Man. Oh, Shadow Man versus Dollman, who's going to win? Oh, right. That's our off-brand Slender Man. Perfect. No, so like this dude gives a big speech about how he's concerned for the neighborhood and whatever, and she's like, all right,

motherfucker, you got your soundbite. What are you going to do for us and the dude's like I'm just gonna go home nothing it comes to nothing it's beautiful because it does come to something it comes to the this glorious end character montage which we'll get to um because it's in there this dude deserves a credit uh so um she finds dollman she's like wow and this weird thing is like there's it's not that joke that you have wherein people can't hear them people hear them perfectly fine totally even though even like hey I'm dalman it's like hey I'm still tall man that needs to be the joke though, you know, but I guess like if the

if the physicality can carry, so can the voice, I guess, is the logic. Well, because you never really, because this thing is so goddamn cheap, you don't really know how tall he really is because 13 inches. Dude, but you never get like a visual sense of it ever.

His voice should be a mouse. I'm Dalman, hey, I'm Dalman. And then Debbie should be booming because we get, we also get doll man POV shots, which I do appreciate. Oh, somebody appreciated it. It should be like, bro. It should be the voice of God.

Hello, darling. You know? Oh, my God. That woman's massive. Thank you for the doll man, POV. Giant woman. Albert Pine, I got a superhero movie for you. He's really tiny.

And she's really big. He's tiny, but the women are massive. So does he, like, walk right in? Yeah. He's got to hide in her shoes. Have you seen talk to her? It comes out in like a decade. On the same topic of this,

those comic book covers of the dollman comics, though there was four originally. I didn't know there was a new run. We're doing it to this very day. This very ding-dong day, we're making dollman comics. If they're selling trades, someone tweet at me, I'm going to buy these things. Oh, please.

They are selling trades. Really? Okay, Don. All right. No, are they really? I think they're collecting it all. Oh. God, I can't wait, dude.

So in the original run, every single cover was doll man with another gigantic woman. Like, it's like insane. Like, I think the first one, he's like on her breasts. Yeah, exactly. Where else you're gonna put it? It's like, I'm a dumb whole penis myself.

It's like, all right. You know what, dude? That's the comic book you want to make. It is bizarre. Yeah, you know what, dude? They wanted to make that comic. You better believe it. Somebody wanted to make it.

Oh, my God, I could fit between her toes. Yeah, oh, that's the dream, isn't it? Somewhere around here is where he, like, also, just like so many of these science fiction things, there's never an appropriate reaction to seeing something totally fucked up. Yeah, so it's like, oh, here's a 13-inch man, okay, nobody says shit. Who just laid waste to this fucking game. And then conversely, though, when he's, like, seeing all of these huge people around him, He's like, oh, giants.

Boy, do I hate giants. It's like, when the fuck did you see a giant doll man? What are you talking about? He's had adventures, dude. The adventures are a doll man. So, wait, if this is doll man one, I got to, it's a backstory. But wait, maybe Planet Arturus is just like one of those, like, models from Beetlejuice. Oh, they're living in somebody's attic?

Yeah, and it's just like this massive one that they've been living in for years. Oh, yeah, I've been fighting with God for years. That guy comes over. plants a fucking tree puts a train track in my backyard yeah at least you know what dude give me a big fucking zagnut bar something yeah oh yeah i don't trust that giant with the red hair he seems shifty to me so uh she wants up taking him back to her apartment um some of these hoodlums live we meet jackie earl haley oh in the dark time it's about to be jackie ol haley's moment well no we're about 10 years old what no this is dead zone

You mean the moment where he played a child molester in one movie? Yeah, and a watchman where it was just the same character without being a child molester. He had a legitimate... A moment, yeah. Yeah, like a little renaissance there. Because he had been doing shit forever. And then suddenly he was a child molester that everyone loves. And then people said, let's do that again.

And then Freddie Krueger. Oh, right. I forgot about Freddie Grueger. That's a moment, dude. And he was nominated for an Oscar. That is... For Freddie Kruger? No, no, for little children. That, my friend, is a moment.

I was snows! And he was in the, he's the main villain, the first season of Preacher. Yeah, he's still, I mean, he's still worse. I have not watched a second of him. I watched some preacher. It's okay. It's great. I really love that show.

Because I really liked those comics, man. So I didn't know if I was going to end on that show. Yeah. How is Hair Dume and then? Oh, he's real. Hair star, you mean? Yes. Yeah.

Hair star is great. Why do I think Doom? Because Dr. Doom? Yes. okay I don't know how you're but I remember I remember like in the character in the comics really he comes in the second season it's nobody nobody worth a goddamn nobody bit I mean he's good in it but he's no he's not he's not he's not a giant he's not he's not on the big screen is he a dollman is he a doll man so she brings him back

Jackie O'Haley is like hey who's bleeding all over my poker my pool table and they blast this dude away they go to where doll man crashed oh this is when they find Spurg, the little head guy. Oh, right. Who's like, hey, man, I got this crazy dimension bomb. Which, you know what, dude? No, thank you. Is that what it's called?

It's a dimensional bomb. Yes. He says, like, oh, you'll be able to take over, like, the world with this thing. Oh, I thought they were saying fusion bomb. That, that, Dalman says that later. Yes. Oh, pardon me. I'm getting my bombs mixed up.

The script supervisor didn't supervise shit. Dimension bomb is a colloquialism to Atreos or whatever second planet. Arturos. Oh, I see. Or treu. The planet of treu. Steve, you wouldn't do the bomb, but you're not a violent simpleton like fucking Jackie Earl Haley. He wants to rule whatever.

He wants to rule the Bronx. He's like, oh, we're going to blow up the east side. Wait, just the east side of the Bronx? Because that's where all the his rivals are, I guess. So you're getting like all those fuckers down on like the Pelham Bay. That's where I'm from. Yeah, dude, you're getting iced. You're going to blow up the fucking zoo.

All those lions are dead. River dead. He's fine, though. We're on the west side over in Riverdale. Matt Damon in, we blew up a zoo. Oh, what a great sequel. All these animals are dead. For insurance money. Exactly. He gets a bill of the first year of the zoo.

He's like, yeah, Scarlett Johansson. We're blowing up a zoo. Dude, is that the sequel set up at the end of that Carrie Crow movie? You're not going to believe this bill. I didn't see that movie. Chris Cappin? What movie? We bought a zoo. I haven't seen it.

Oh, wow. I've seen like clips of it. Why? He is intolerable. Intolerable. So what's the deal? He just decides one day he's going to like buy a zoo.

Like yeah, I think. What is his wife dead? I think his wife's definitely dead. Yeah, your wife would have to die for something like this. He's trying to reconnect with the kids.

Patrick Fugett's fucking around. Oh, Patrick Fuggett. Where'd they dig him up from? From almost famous. Oh. From they dug him off of Cameron Crow's couch or his pool house. I bet that's a nice pool house.

But that'd probably set him up for a gone girl. So he's probably pretty happy about that's right. 18 seconds he's in that movie Sprug the little head guy Makes a deal with him like listen I'll give you this bomb that you could Blow up the Bronx or whatever you're doing whatever you want to do If you help me repair my ship

And assist in the murder of the doll man Which is our mutual enemy at this point So they go to he brings a crew of peoples over to Debbie's apartment Debbie has brought doll man over And his entire ship And she's like oh my young son Nicholas And who wants to play with Dalman Kevin I'm sorry

you get that fucking right i'm so sorry someone at home's like thank god if they kept calling him nicholas i would i would have turned to twitter and correct them i would be surprised if anyone has seen this movie yeah yeah there's a weird thing that we're kevin the dollman to fucker you want him to watch the movie kevin is he's a real son of a bitch this kid because he like this woman has to go out to work right and and doll man's like i don't think it's a good idea for you to go outside Also, we need to mention that when Dalman wastes all those dudes is because they're like all about to like sexually assaulted.

Yes. Like that's what's got your classic set up here. I mean, the threat of rape is just constant. You're jumping ahead because they come over to her apartment. Right. All these goons and Dalman blows them away in her apartment. Oh, yes. Painting her walls with blood.

Yep. Painting them with blood. And just like it's any old Wednesday evening, she starts cleaning the blood off the walls. I love it. She just gets a bucket like, well, it's the Bronx. scrub. There's a cop that presumably had taken away all of the dead people and she's just like

well, thanks a lot, officer. He's like, well, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm like, no, this is an active crime scene. Wait, isn't this Giuliani's NYPD? The 92's Dinkentown. Oh, Dinketown. Yeah, we didn't get there yet, dude. Dinketown. Oh, man. Yeah, he wouldn't. He wouldn't stop this. Welcome back to Dinkins

town. But so like yeah, he's just like, all right, see you later, ma'am. Like, you know, like the milkman. Or like, they just, they chased away a raccoon. I don't even see a bit of yellow caution tape anywhere. No, she's like, well, Dalman, I guess I guess I'll just clean the blood off my walls

and hair and fucking feces and whatever else has happened. Doll man, do you need any of these brain bits? I'm just going to throw them out. There should be... It's probably a feast to you. Yeah, I mean, there should be scenes of them feeding the doll man. Yes. Like you put down a craft single. He goes to town on it.

That's his whole week. At least, at the very least, bake me an enormous cookie. that this guy's got to eat something man he's just kind of munching on it I'd be so fun look picture him like in a little in a little like boat in soup or something

he has a huge straw that he sticks off the side of the boat this kind of reminds me of you ever see that Serent Live sketch with Nicholas Cage from way back when Tiny Elvis Oh yeah I don't know it's just it's a bad It wasn't a classic

It's a bad bit but it's just like It's Elvis but he's 13 inches tall And all he's doing like hey look at that lamp That lamp is huge And that's kind of it. That's the bit. That's the bit. I haven't seen that, but I have seen Honey I Shrunk the Kids, which is like exactly this time period.

It should be this. And Honey I Shrunk the Kids, you know, they did that shit right. There's giant everything's in that movie. To be fair. A giant mother! They were much smaller. They got shrunk smaller than the doll man. The doll man could probably step on those kids.

That's actually true. Yeah, he's tall enough to get through the grass at least. The doll man is at one point threatened by a rat in this movie. and so that's like the antagonist size. And he's like smog to him. Yes, yes, but like in those blow, the shrunken blow up movies. Yeah, that thing would be towering. An ant is like humongous, like a horse.

Yeah, you can ride it. Yeah, they actually do, I think. But you know what? That might be a state tune, by the way. How do you guys shrunk the kids? That's not a very good movie now. Probably not. I always had a crush on the older sister in that movie.

Oh, wow. I had a crush on the ant. Oh, did you cry when it died? I did. I wanted to ride it. When it was impaled through its thorax. You wanted to ride it, huh? What a grim turn for that movie. Yeah.

And that little kid's going to get eaten by his mother. Oh, I'm melting into my chair. The thing is, those... Five stars. The height of Dollman himself is the exact height, I believe. Yeah, 13 inches, the exact height of those fuckers in those puppet master movies. Oh, I see. So that works out.

So there was a full moon Kevin Feiggy who is like, you know what, make that doll man, 13 inches because puppet master, all right. Save it for later. Boys, check out the full moon entertainment writer's room. We got a whole closet here. It's one guy in a closet. With a computer. But actually, Jackie Earl Haley gets shot in this melee and kind of escapes barely with his life. He's dying.

And Spurg is like, I could heal you with. this ray, but then you really have to promise to build my ship. He's like, I do. He heals him and he's like, well, now you work for me. I work for you and this is the death I want Alex Jones to have. Which is he pops this dude like a pimple. It's fantastic. He just smashes him

with his hand and there's your space. Crime Lord is just instantly wiped out of the movie. It's a great surprise. Yeah. It's a good moment and interesting creature effect because it's just a little like, you get to see the little flop. It's like a little skin.

and blood, and that's it. But how is this Dodge Dart not, like, sticking into his hand? Good morning, Chris. Like, it crackles, like, it crackles like, it's popcorn. The thing you don't see, though, is Jackie Earl Haley immediately washing his hands. It takes a full-on shower. I don't know about it in this movie. He seems like a dirt.

He's a full dirt bag in this movie. But that's what I'm saying, you've got, like, just, I don't know, viscera from some other planet. It would just be the exact, like, image of his face just stuck on his hand? Did people wash their hands in the brown? Is that? Yes, we have. Oh, really? Okay. We have in the past.

We got the signs in like 2011. De Blasio changed all of it. That's right. Universal Precay and washing your hands in the Bronx. But like, yeah, like he's not, he's just got this shit on his hands. And now he's got this dimensional bomb. He's got a number two who looks like Justin Guarini and those Diet Dr. Pepper commercials.

Wow. Nope. Wait, yeah, no idea. It's the sweet one. Oh, yeah. I get what you're saying All right Oh man

I thought he looked like a physically fit Gene Simmons Yeah I thought he looked like No one Also that But he actually

It was one of those dudes Where it was hard to find him On the IMDB listing Uh huh yeah you don't say Because like he doesn't have a photo But like he looks like somebody But it's not that guy No you know what it is

The guy who played This is what I thought he was The guy who played Steve Bouchemmy's brother in Boardwalk Empire. Oh, okay, what's his face? The cop? Shea Wiggum?

Shee Wiggum, yeah, that's the actor's name. Oh, is that his name? The dude that was on the Waco show? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was that guy for a second. No, no, no. Short pants. The person never worked again.

Oh, I saw dull man. I was a kid. Yeah, I loved that movie. Ran it from the Pelham Bay Blockbuster. They never asked for it back, though. You know what you? Yeah, it's doll man, you open it, and you take the tape out of the little plastic case

and then the little cards says you now own doll man yeah you're stuck with it dude congratulations days here's your deed to doll man so she goes to work and doll man gives her shit about trying to earn a living he does because he must be nice doll man and doll man again this is the part of the movie where doll man should like explore the apartment yeah or get into some sort of short related mischief yeah do they have a cat in the apartment maybe oh that would be fun yes him running around from a cat or like maybe he's taking a little Little leaks. A little leaks somewhere.

Yeah, little leaks are a little like... Oh, he's pissing in a potted plant. It's just like a tiny cactus. She puts a thimble in the corner. She's like, oh, my God, do you have my... Oh, no, it's just doll. Okay, these little pebbles are doll man. Do he...

Oh, wow, he's just shitting on the floor? Yeah. It's like rat pellets. Absolutely. But this little piece of shit... The kid. Which one? Kevin.

Kevin. A little piece of shit. That's a big piece of shit compared to doll man. Well, and compared to his shits. but he just is like telling everybody he can that doll man is in his fucking apartment hey come in everybody come on see the alien

yeah it's a big problem this needs to be you know kept under wraps this kid needs to be and also like where is the men in black or whatever that equivalent is of this movie you need some sort of government agency here to be like we monitored and incoming two UFOs like crashed in the Bronx

where are those guys side side theory Eric and I do agree with you that the murder of Spurge very unceremoniously and out of the middle of the movie is good. Side theory is that was a move to save money. Absolutely. There's a third act. Like, oh, and then this is going to happen.

It's like, we can't do that. So what if he comically just killed him right now? That's exactly what it was. We ran out of money and the Spurge character had to be written out of the movie. Because that's like, that's an effect to have a guy with nobody. Yeah, so we can't do that. We got Jackie Earl Hilly for at least another week.

We can get his stuff done. But all you had to do, realistically, because this is Dahlman, so the pressure is not really on. Yeah. Right? Is it have a thing where, like, he has Jackie O'Haley's goons. Like, he's like, just follow these plans precisely. Yes. And they follow the instructions, and he makes like a robot body.

Yeah. They put the head on it. And then you can just have this actor walking around and it's fine. No. Right? No. Yeah. We don't got that money.

But it'll be cool. Actually, no, because the head would still be small. Mm-hmm. So a little tiny little guy. Yeah. Like maybe you get like a view fine. that like projects his face bigger or reflects it bigger or something? I like that.

Or it's just cardboard spray painted silver. You just a piece of cardboard with Tim Thomerson written on it. You get an actual action figure and rip the head off and put this guy on it. That's a great idea. Like you got a little G.I. Joe body. Small soldier situation. Yeah. No, but then I'm saying

though, then you have to animate that thing. Oh, well, yeah. That's that stop motion animation money, man. That's a lot of money. So she goes to work. She's sexual asked by her boss for no reason. There's a bunch of jokes. Oh, but, but, boy, boy, wait. Yes, she is. But do you catch where she works? And now, is this a real industry? Oh, the toxic waste factory? Yes, it's a toxic waste facility of some kind. I don't know if they're making it or disposing of it. A little bit of A, a little bit of B. You get it in, you get it out. I think full moon is kind of like dipping in. Traumatur. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you never know when you're going to need the toxic waste factory to make some like a superhero out of something. I will say full moon movies. Much. better than trauma movies. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah.

I can watch these. These are movies I can watch. Trauma, I'm just nodding on the joke. Like, so they would do like what, not toxic, nuke, a nuke hero. Well, like the nuclear avenger. Sure. Yeah. It's just close enough where you're not going to get sued. There is, there's a plenty of jokes about a 13 inch man. Oh, absolutely. It's her and her friend and he's 13 inches and the woman's like, I don't know. And it's like, I get it. Yeah, they're just, just they're gabbing on the toxic waste assembly line. You should just stick him in there. That's what you should do.

Does she say that? No. There is, there is, there's joke references to, uh, penis size in that combo with, she says,

uh, the friend says, a 13 inch man, are you sure it wasn't a dream? Uh-huh. Jesus. Yeah. Oh,

but my favorite line in this whole movie. No, no, what I'm telling you is he's a small man with tiny, tiny fingernails. That's what I'm, no, 13-inch male.

Yeah, that's great. Like, I was 13-inch dick. That's not what I'm saying. I am saying he is 13 inches, I'm posed to head. Tiny, tiny, tiny fingernail. So he's 13 inches tall, but he's got a 13-inch dick on top of it.

I am not defining him by his penis side. I swear to God. But I could. His teeth look like little, little crumbs. Okay? It's repulsive to look at. Like, when you don't eat a cookie and there's crumbs all over,

that's what his teeth look like. I want to throw up. He should bring up. rush. My favorite line in this movie happens here at the toxic waste factory because this boss comes up and he's like, are we talking on the job? I don't think so ladies or whatever. He makes him like dickhead comment and then he leaves to which our hero Debbie says that he asked me out to a Guns and Roses concert. Well done movie. Sick. You can't at the toxic Avenger fucking factor you can't you cannot get tickets for G&R at this time. 1991 they were huge.

no is appetite for destruction man right here right now i'm sure that they're playing the garden and this guy had tickets and you know that comes for the price apparently i think is what the idea of the sludge factory uh so he uh jack gill haley is now healed up but only mostly because like he thinks he's healed but he won't go to a hospital like i don't know dude just be like hey i got this weird rash why don't you fix this for a rash it's a hole in my stomach but it was healed but i'm sure there's still some damage that's the rest of the movie he's just kind of You can't go to hospital. I can't even go to hospital now.

That's true. But this guy's got all sorts of drug money. That's true. He's doing better than you are. He gets really upset about a pool table at one point. Yeah. I don't know. You got to get like a Jeremy Piven, like,

heat doctor, like some guy who just does, who's a dentist or something. Right, yeah. That's what veterinarians are for, dude. Those are the mafia doctors. Exactly. Patch him up. It's the Bronx.

There's nothing but mafia doctors. That's true. That is true. Come on. I do want to mention quickly that that. one dude gets, do we mention that guy who gets, was one guy who gets shot by Dalman earlier in the movie. He was brought

back to the warehouse. Got it. And Jack or Haley just shoots this guy because he was bleeding on the pool table. Yeah, the dude's murdered immediately. So he's not made of money. He has money. He's able to afford a pool table, but... But he can't throw a pool table. He's not made of pool table. Yeah, exactly. No, he will still be pretty

peeved if, you know, the the felt. The felt of that pool table is gushed upon with blood. So the idea is we're going to kidnap the girl and then doll man's going to come and save her. So they kidnapped the girl. Right. And doll man,

the neighborhood watches going crazy. Like, oh, my God, Debbie was kidnapped. Oh, my God. Doll man gets hip to it. It's one of these weird viewing scenes where everyone's like, wow, what a doll man. And he jumps out the window and lands on the car as it drives away. He breaks through a plate of glass. Yes. And he's flung so far, so far. And then he manages somehow to,

you know, you don't really see all this. He's like T.J. Hookers on to the side of the car. How is this even happen? His hands would be destroyed. He'd be cut to ribbons. He'd just splatter. He'd just splatter. I jumped through a window right now. I could do it. I would be dead.

You'd be long dead. A two-story window is like jumping from the Empire State Building. You know what I mean? Like you're dead. Also, though, if you're going to do this, fine, because I'm watching a movie called Dollman. Sure. So I'm going to make exceptions left and right. Uh-huh. But I need a shot of a fucking puppet.

like taped to a variant there is a shot of it there's not enough though okay it's good though well it's fun it takes way too long to get to it and then entire time i'm like where is the shot of a puppet hanging onto a car and it's only at the very end of all these shenanigans is that finally it's like four seconds long and it's glorious ed asner action figure but wouldn't it be great in this moment of the film if doll man just like he jumped out the window and he dies in the conflict of jumping out the window people were like yeah dollman just then killed himself we never got to know

dull man really well we wish that we knew that he was suffering we put him in this matchbox we could put him in the East River see now that doesn't fit though dude Dalman wouldn't fit in a matchbox oh what would so

13 inches like a shoe box John Holmes's suitcase cigar box so this is my favorite part of the movie or it's incredibly stupid so we get to this big another warehouse

Jack Earl Haley has the girl on one point and he's kind of just bleeding out and doll man it takes him 20 minutes but in movie time it's like three hours to get from one end of the yard

to the other end and everyone's like I guess doll man's not coming let's just leave hey guys this didn't work out at all let's just leave and go look for doll man

doll man ain't coming and like the girl's like you should go to the hospital you should do this and say no what's the matter who cares Jack Earl Haley is doing a New York accent Oh out the ass

Are you kidding me with this thing? It's a little bit of fun It's just all right It is it is a cartoonish sound Coming out of his mouth And he is screaming through most of this movie It is shocking that this dude ever got a job again And the assault is on for the doll man

He's got his henchman out One of them gets dispatched by the doll man With the Kruger gun or whatever Yeah the price gun And Oh my God There's a walkie-talkie scene where he's walking on this giant walkie-talkie. And he, like, pushes his foot onto the thing to talk.

And I rewound and pause. And yes, there is a Nike swish on his fucking shoes. Oh, come on. So they have Nike's in Planet Archer. Yeah, and we haven't talked about it, but he looks like he's the first guy in the door for the early bird special. Yeah, it's a real lens and uniform. Dirty Harry, you know, the tight suit. Yeah, he was going to, you know, there was a hero element to it.

This guy's got a long trench coat. These freaking pants that are past his belly button and these freaking L.O. Bean's shirt and he's ready to kill. But Tim Thomas, it's weird because, like, Tim Thomerson was, like, kind of older in this movie, but like, he's not like, you know, old. The Seinfeld. He's not Morty Seinfeld. I don't know why he's dressed this way. That's what they do on Planet Arturis, I suppose. Oh.

Oh, so that's the, that's literally the only way that they diverts from Earth culture. Honestly, I could see, you know, 1991, 45-year-old business casual. I think this would fit. You could make that work? Yeah, I mean, I was watching a rerun of Seinfeld the other day, and that Armani suit that Bany gives out is quite loose fitting. Well, that's how we, dude, that's how we dressed in the 90s. It's true.

Everybody was doing that. Even Georgia Ormani himself. Yeah, it's coming back a little bit, looking out. Baggy suits? No. Well, not, maybe not suits, but we're loosening up. Men's suits look terrible in like the 80s into the early 90s with like the big suit jackets. Dude, you can feel the breeze, my friends.

Oh, man, look at a suit from the year 2000, you'll throw right up because you do that thing. You've got that thing where it's a high button. Yeah. So like there's only a little bit of a coat of shirt showing and like the buttons all the way up past the time. It is Frankenstein. It's Uncle Fester. So dollman starts dispatching these people It's all happening

This is where he breaks into the compound He's like snooping around There's a little like tiny diehard shit happening This is where he fights the rat Yes He just he shoes the rat He's get out of here to rat You need to shoot that thing right in the tunnel

Yes exactly I need to see this little rat pop I need to see him eat this rat Like it's burning from the gunshot Oh he gets like a little kabab off I'd like that Rat Shwarma Yeah dude

Well no this isn't You can't just do that. You would just take out a hunk of rat liver. Bite your tongue. You can find a rat outside right now and eat it. And it would just turn into a kebab. Well, the militia,

he had rat burgers, my friend. Chris Cabin, you take a rat, you skin it. You throw it on a fire. Well, he's in the middle of an action scene. He doesn't got time for this shit.

Sorry, I'm busy here with an action movie. I can't cobbub this rat for you. I have this villain to take care of it. You know what? I think eating rats is very action patterns. And I would prefer that. at this point i like um that this movie doesn't have the awareness like usually your uh gruff hero

does get dirty in the last act of the movie right maybe he's full of blood maybe he's full of dirt this guy's just full of dirt and some of these scenes he is just completely smudged up yes like we're in his like big moments of like let go or her damn it feels like he just ate a bunch of shit he looks like fucking dick man dyke and mary popper exactly it's like just kept from he came from sweeping a chimney he did crawl out he where he encounters the rat is like in like a sewage pipe. Sure. Oh,

he's crawling through human shit. So that's human shit on him. So already, Dalman is doomed. He's going to die. Oh, that's a good point. In the Bronx.

That sewer water in the Bronx. Oh, yeah. No thanks, man. Look what happened to Steve. Street trash. Again. So he dispatches most of his guys.

He blows up a van with a gay slur on it for some reason. Yeah, it's just right there for the world to see. All right. That's points off, doll, man.

That's points off. I think there's a particular, reason, but it's not good. Yeah, it's not very good. Somewhere around here, Jackie Earl Haley, who goes by the name Braxton in this movie, has kind of a precursor to the great Gene Hackman line and Royal Tenenbaum's where he's like, the fuck you care. Oh, yeah. He, Braxton has a the fuck you care in this movie. I think he's yelling, he's yelling at Debbie. Yeah. She's like, you really need to go to the hospital. And then like, here he comes. Jackie O'Haley and the city accent is like, the fuck you care. This dude, just, just,

just like choosing death for the last 45 minutes of this movie. But again, that's the thing is, like, your villain, like, make him more active than this. He's, like, dying up against a poll for the rest of the movie. He's an idiot. There is one point where one of the, like, henchmen comes up, and they're like, come on, Braxton, we got word doll man's on the premises. To which this dude responds, it's something like, uh, yeah, you go on ahead.

I, uh, I got stuff to do. It's like, dude, everybody knows you got shot the stomach. Come on. Well, the thing is, like, we shouldn't have. Dahlman be invincible, basically. Yes. This gun is invincible. There's moments in this film, I think, too, where the gun is taken away from him.

Yes. One's coming up, but he uses his, he's got like an electric magnetic thing. It's like an iron man hand. Yeah, that he was able just to pull it back. So magnetos it back into his arms. Sure. It happens twice in the movie both times. It's convenient as hell.

Yes. This is why I don't think they should have. He's a very suit. They shouldn't have smushed that. the floating head. Because he needs somebody to really go up against that actually has his mental capacity. Jackie Earl Haley is an idiot from the, he's not menacing at all. There should be like a point where like he gets tied up and there's a magnifying glass. It's going to burn him or something. Oh, yes. That would be amazing. These are some things. He's going to be hit by a model

train. He's tied to the tracks. Exactly. Beat him to hamsters. See, just do Antman. Just do Antman 20 years earlier. That's true. But so we wound up at a warehouse, big surprise. The whole gang is dead. The number two. dies pretty fun right he gets he gets a couple in the chest yeah and he explodes like real bad flush that number two oh yeah oh that guy yeah yeah yeah yeah the dude i thought was boardwalk empire guy yeah he goes and then now it's just jack earl haley versus dollman jack your haley again not only is he like he should have the upper hand but he's just dying he's just dying he's where is it though where doll man like hit somebody with a pipe is that the number two oh that's another

guy yeah it's one of these henchmen it is a great moment though he's getting like he's whipping this guy with this tiny pipe, he's beating the shit out of it? Well, the weird thing is I don't understand is the actual DC Comics doll man. His whole power is he's like 13 inches, he's small, but he retains the size, the strength that he would have at the normal size. So like an ant-man. Yeah, kind of a thing. So how did they not sue this movie?

That's, well, because you know why? Because that's doll-man. This is doll-man. No, Dalman. So can I do, wait, now, Spider-Man is now hyphenated? Is that the correct spelling? That is the Webster English dictionary. Webboosters.

Oh, that's terrible. Well, you're slinging the knowledge here today. So I've seen it spelled together without a hyphen. So can I make a Spider-Man comic? I wouldn't be fucking around with that. You know, roachman.

I'd rather steal money, dude. Man, man, man, when I'm down at the bottom of that butt. Anyway, I'd rather steal money from the mafia than fuck with Disney at this point. I just, you know what, leave those guys alone. Leave those dudes alone. I might be your family alone. I'd be on death's door, but I'll burn your house down still.

That's my money I'm owed. Man, it'll be awkward if he's dead by the time this episode comes out. I was smoking a J with the death squad said, I sent to find your family. You know, I can call Bob Iger whenever I liked it. And that motherfucker has hitters. No, seriously, dude, they've got a bunch of Ray Donovins that'll come after you. Dude, can I tell you, by the way, they were filming Ray Donovan in my neighborhood last year? He's in New York now.

It prevented me from finding a parking space easily, very frustrated with the Ray Donovan production. Whatever it was, it wasn't worth it. Wait, I thought he was like an L.A. fixer. Dude, man, he's moving to New York. Get out of here. Oh, shit. Dude, Ray Donovan versus running away from... Now, he's walking here.

That's how that works. Running away from Susan Sarandon, I guess. Oh, really? I think something like that was in my idea. So Jackie O'Haley steals Dollman's gun. You think, oh, no, is this the end of Dollman? but no we've seen this at the beginning of the movie he magnitos it and then just shoots

Jackie O'Haley to which Jackie O'Hale is like oh I'm not done I'm gonna use this dimension bomb and send us all to hell I had to rewind what was going on here because I think I mentioned this at the tail end of our bucket list episode last week I totally greened out the first time I watched this movie I was on the brink of greening out

for a second time here and I totally had to rewind right here because I was like what's with all these lights what's he bitching about and then yeah it's him just committing suicide with this bomb that I guess just stays in like around the Morris Park area it seems like a thing that it should wipe out the whole borough but it's like if you could take over the world with it we should see something real it's like a building it gets rid of a building maybe

I think Spurg just didn't carry the one like he didn't do the math for like how big the explosion Spurg was bullshitting him oh that's also true floating head wasn't very good at math as it turns out But yes, it just kind of blows up this building, kind of sort of. But it's bullshit, though, because Debbie and Dollman are totally fine. Yeah. Well, there's this weird part where, like, there's all these weird rays coming out of it.

And I'm like, I was like, is Debbie going to become small or is Dollman going to become big? Oh. Neither of those things happened because that would be a movie. That would happen in a movie. Right. It would have been cool, though. She was made tiny. Yeah, exactly.

And I was going to girlfriend. And they live in a dollhouse. Yes. Yeah. And then fuck that son that she. has. It's like that crusty scene in the Simpsons. Fuck that son she has. Yeah, forget him. Oh,

good. Forget him. Right. Yeah, there we go. Doll man, by the way, is he doesn't have a bump. He's not like a Ken doll. No, he's got stuff done and it works. And I'm sure they call it a penis. Oh, damn. I love... Police penis.

I love all my Arturisianlis on the other planet. He's getting to that age. He is getting to that age. So they survived this blast And she's kind of like looking around like Dahl man did you make it? Yeah Did you make it?

And then like way not even on the same set Tim Thomerson like steps up and is like yeah I'm good But the last line is tell me size doesn't matter Which is like oh right Right So that's what it was that was the idea I think that it's a joke about sex Because it's a bad it's a bad ADR chop job

And I really thought that the Amazon stream like skipped part of it or something. Yes. Yeah, I know it's just like tell me size doesn't matter. It's like, okay. I just, I feel like there's a better line to end doll man on than this. But also like there's never that thing of like, how's he going to get home? What about

his spaceship? Blah, like the kids that kind of talks about it. He's got like a smart kid. You think he's going to come in and like he's going to fix the ship, but he doesn't. They really should and maybe make it bigger. Yeah, or maybe he takes her to our tourists or maybe like he decides not to. He's like, well, this planet needs me. I'm going to clean up the Bronx.

I know I love the Bronx now. I've seen how beautiful it is. He just puts on a Yankees hat like at the end of the movie. It's got to be something. You got to have it one way to the other. He's got to leave in a new, like the kid has spent the movie off screen like fixing the spaceship. Sure. Or he vows to stay and be like the tiny Bronx adventure.

It's one of the other. That was my name actually. Mmm, the scent of ass cheese, piss and alcohol. I can't get away from the Bronx. Wow. His whole planet. it looked very similar. Yeah, I'm sure it had the same smell. He's just going over a checklist.

He's like, do you have what I call what my people call a laundromat? Good. Oh, you smell? Wow, I can read on this planet. Excellent. Why, we speak the same language. They're called the police here too. And you also had a band of the same name? This is fantastic. Weird. It's like the exact

same planet. You know who James Brown is? See, that would be something too. It's like another Earth. His whole planet, yeah, with some sort of like carbon copy up to a point situation. Anything remotely interesting. Not in doll, man.

Not at all. Right, like traveling to Earth he went through a black hole and... Yeah, it's like an alternate universe. Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's how, I guess you know, you get out with this trim 82 minute runtime. This is the thing. I'm sorry. No, go ahead. No, but this is the rest of the movie is

a curtain call for anyone who even talked in this movie. I love it. Oh, we are eating time off the clock with this. It's a bad sitcom intro. That guy that just died on the pool table, don't worry. He's got two minutes of a curtain call. It's just music and you see

their scenes. You see them like talking silently and it says like, Nicholas Guest. Yeah. It doesn't say that. It just prints that on the screen. Senator Blu-Tarski was like the end of fast time. It goes on forever and I don't even hear about if anyone dies in an upcoming war

like the Gulf or whatever. I really think they missed a chance here to do like a Fival goes west or a American tail ending. He was like a doll man where like doll man lives above the Mars bar. Yeah. Like the ventilation system or something. Oh, so he contracts emphysema's

media. Did Fival go to the Mars bar? Isn't he like live in the not the Eiffel Tower? The Statue of Liberty. I believe so. Do they? Yeah. I thought they lived on like the Lower East Side. I thought doll man shot those guys. Is that like an immigrant story? Yes, it is. And he comes to New York.

But they live. But they live. live in the statue? Yeah, I mean, they're mice. What the hell? Do you think they're going to actually rent an apartment in the lower side? I know. I thought that they lived like in a building in the lower side. I'm pretty sure it's the Statue of Liberty.

Oh. Wow. Imagine that a... Dall man versus five old. Versus immigrants. No, but the fact that we had like good stories about immigrants in popular culture. They'd be nice to see again. Might be nice to see again.

Imagine my shock. These mice are eating garbage. That's it. It'll be dead soon. Oh, and then, but Fival goes west superior to the original. Really? Is he fighting you know, Mad Dog Tannen and shit? It's pretty much just like a standard

Western story like that. So they're shooting people? Shot in the back. Oh, the matter of 88 pieces of cheese. Oh, yes. Oh, fuck. No, James Stewart in his final film role. Wow. Oh, that's right. to like the sheriff cat in that movie or some shit so doll man

that's the end of it I mean this long as montage is kind of the best part of the movie for me because I was putting in like you know like you know just like some sort of

90s sitcom theme song yeah days go by and you're just showing like doll man doll man's friend the people at the launch back because Steve's right everybody gets their time

they do it's their moment I want the Ridgemont High song goodbye good bye Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, doll man. Oh, until the sequel, Dollman. Oh, a doll man versus demonic toys, I will have to evaluate it. Oh, you haven't seen it? No.

But you have that doll man tattoo. Yeah, well, I love them. Have you seen demonic toys? No. It's not very good. Oh, really? Not very good. Oh, there was like an OG demonic toys before they crossed past with Doll, and there was a

full moon Kevin Feigey somewhere making all this shit. There was a big board somewhere. You will be surprised to learn. It's all in a warehouse. There was bad channels, doll man, demonic toys, and then they did a sequel that combined all of them. Is that bad channels? No, the sequel is Dolman versus demonic toys.

I think there might be another thing. Bad channels is the other thing. No, yeah, but. But also, like, the puppet master movies are in this universe, too. I did not know that. Yeah, because if you look, like, I think if you take the first puppet master movie and then do like the movie connections,

it's all of this shit all of it including like the 14 puppet master I'll never watch a second of it I tried just in the spirit of tactical maybe well in the spirit of like learning a little bit about this

you know full moon cinematic universe I went back last night watched a little bit of puppet masters for the first time totally unwatchable I found it boring as shit except the uncle from Christmas

vacations like at the beginning he's like the original like puppet creator, and he's like the OG doll man. You know, maybe someone can tweet at us if there's one of those movies that's can't be fun enough that we might want on top. I heard that the third one is someone, someone,

shockingly already on Twitter. The third one was the best World War II set horror movie ever made. I thought that was all right. I thought that was you know it all right. I thought that was Dunkirk. I could get like down with Tim Thomerson with like a puppet in a heat Pichino

Nero scene. You know, me and you were sitting here in this dollhouse yeah he's another doll man Al Pacino Charles Bronson and Jack Hill and Jack Hill yeah

fuck that'll be great so that is doll man would anybody recommend this movie I would not no it's okay to not no I know

it's really don't make me do this it's really on the bubble I think no I think I would not recommend this movie uh huh hangover movie

you got a stomach quite a lot of you know, Bronx stereotypes, which is, you know, not great. That's all right. We've been doing a show with a Bronx stereotype for eight years. Yeah, I mean, it's like the most simplest, simplest thing ever. And that's in, and 70 minutes. I would recommend it.

I think it's fun. It's short. You'll be in and out of there. Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's got good blood effects. Yes. Which is crazy.

And it's dumb as shit, which is what kind of what I wanted out of doll. I just feel like they left a lot on the table. That's all I'm saying. There's a lot you could have done with Dalman. I agree with Steve. a lot of missed opportunities with this movie. I also agree with Chris that it's a hangover movie, although the problem is,

unless you are subscribing to this full moon entertainment channel, which is nice try, you have to rent this on Amazon for the standard deaf stream, which is the only thing available, $5. Wow. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that some of our fans probably do have that full moon entertainment package and are ready to go. I bet.

In which case, I mean, happy hangover, man. That'll work totally fine. My God, it was, because Amazon was like, you could rent this for $5 an SD, or you could get a seven-day free trial of full moon entertainment channel. No. Nah. No, that thing's selling your fucking email. You know what? I've figured out, I figured out the scam behind a seven-day free trials.

I got it. I got it, guys. That is Doll Man from 1991, directed by Albert Pion, or Pine. However you say this gentleman's name. for more we hate movies check out WHM Podcast.com or find us over on the HeadGum Network right and review the show

wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Hold on a second, getting handed a little piece of paper from Planet Artreo. Arturo. Can you read it? It's your favorite movie. Wait, no.

It's new. It's minuscule. Listen, it's small. You need to get a magnifying glass out. I got it. I got it. Are you sure? Yes.

Is it something about having a Patreon? Our Patreon episode this month. Yes, it is. I'm reading it now. Uh-huh. Be quiet. Patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Our episode this month, exclusive episode on Patreon, is Transcendence. Yeah. The 2014 Johnny Depp movie where he becomes a computer ghost. Yeah. Yes.

We have a Star Trek podcast on there as well that we just posted the 20th episode. 20 episodes. 21st coming up later this month. Can you believe it though? Just covered arena for the Gorn episode that's getting rave reviews. Oh, look at this.

a seven-day free trial. Don't fall for it. There's nothing free about it, my friends.com slash we hate movies. So, Steve Sadegh, what is on the docket for next week's episode of the We Hate Movies podcast? It's the one that's been a long time coming. Oh, really? X-Files, I want to believe.

Oh, man. You know what? Yeah, this is going to be tough for me. It's going to be tough love. This is rough. Next week. That's a swamp monster? Not even. Wolf, we'll figure it out later. Russian wolf dogs, I think. Something, something.

I saw this in theaters and was pretty disappointed. Spoiler alert, there are no fucking monsters. Yeah. No, but also like Billy Connelly's like a child molester or something. That doesn't get a lot of play. So until next week when we talk about that dastardly X-Files sequel, I'm Andrew Jupin, Chris Cab and Stephen Seda. Eric Siska.

Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.