We Hate Movies - S8 Ep356: Episode 357 - The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang chats about the dull as dirt—and totally unnecessary—sequel/continuation, The X-Files: I Want to Believe! Why does the film allow a convicted sex offender to dress down Scully? Why doesn't Mulder look more like Ted Kaczynski when in hiding? And how dare they put so little Skinner in this! PLUS: Wouldn't this movie be better if it ended with werewolves?  The X-Files: I Want to Believe stars David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Billy Connelly, Amanda Peet, Alvin 'Xzibit' Joiner, Billy Connolly, Callum Keith Rennie, and Mitch Pileggi; directed by Chris Carter. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, X-Files fanboy Andrew Jupin gets mighty sad as we're talking about the X-Files, colon, I Want to Believe. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to the fine program we like to call We Hate Movies.

This week on the program, like I said, up top, we're talking about that dreaded X-Files sequel, which was from 2008. X-Files, Coles. cruise control. Yeah, it might as well be. Directed by Chris Carter. Could we also call it the X-Files?

Is pedophilia good? Question mark? Pedophilia gives you the power to become a psychic. A saint almost. X-Files colon Catholic Hospital. Get me out of me! Are you kidding me?

Dude, that whole subplot. It's not even a subplot. It is the plot of the movie. X-Files, the stem cell debate. Not much debate. She just does it. She does some googling. Actually, really quick, I just got something from the news desk, which usually goes to Eric.

You know, if you're feeling a little light on We Hate Movies content this month, you might want to check out our episode on Transcendance, which is a Patreon-only episode. There you go. That's Johnny Depp becoming the internet. Yes. Just FYI, that's out there. And then spray in the world with his juices. And you'll also get Bright and Man of Steel and all sorts of other great episodes. A lot of movies where people are spraying juices.

It's really pile it up. Speaking of spraying juices, I want some inseminating aliens in this movie. Yes. Yes. Let's get down to brass text. Why is there no aliens in this? That's a great question. It was six years since the show went off the air.

10 years since that first movie, the fucking balls on these people. And Chris Carter specifically to write and direct, co-write and direct a story that has nothing to do with the overarching conspiracy storyline. I don't even mind that. But I agree with you. Look, if you're a huge X-Y off of that, I'll go around. the horn. Andrew's an enormous X-Files fan you've watched every episode at least twice. At least twice and a half almost.

Okay. I'm kind of cursed. I like the X-Files. I've seen most of the episodes. Sure. But I kind of, I checked out of the new stuff. And when Doggett was running around, once Robert Patrick showed up, I was like, you know, guys. Well, yeah. I was once like you, and

while it's not great, I will say that there are some gems in that seasons eight and nine. You know, I watched the whole series, I went all the way through, but I have rewatched season one through five episodes, like pretty regularly. Well, that's like the prime X-Files. It's one through five. We're filming in Vancouver. Everything looks miserable. It's great. We have that movie, and that was supposed to be like the end of the series. The movie was so successful. They kept doing the show. And I've only seen like scoops, scoops of episodes. Bits and bobs, as they say. Bits and bobs, a little bit of, spinners and whatnot.

Do you know who Tooms is? Everlasting gobstops? Yes, I do. I've seen all of season one. I've seen just a bunch of random episodes, but definitely I wouldn't say I've seen the whole thing or nearly the whole thing. I've always been like a cherry picker with this show.

Like, ooh, that sounds fun. Oh, yeah. And skip the next one. The BBC America is doing this thing where it's like, we don't want to program on Mondays. So it's just going to be the X-Files all day. Oh, yeah, dude. That's what you want.

There's also a great one. way you can find it online that tells you like all the episodes that are like arc specific so you can just watch the major storyline. Oh, that's fun. Which is a fun thing to do and you have to like sit there reading the plot synopsies. It just gives you the list. So this movie though, you know, X-Files back in theaters. I saw the first one in theaters also. I fucking saw this one in theaters.

I dragged my poor wife. It was her only exposure ever to the X-Files. Yeah. No, it was fucking bad I saw it at the Villages Theater downtown, and I could tell right away I was in for some trouble because it was opening weekend. They had the movie already in a shit-ass upstairs tiny theater. And I was like, that means these pre-sales are nothing. And we were like, it was like seriously like the Saturday,

like the early evening show for people in the theater, including the two of us. I'll be honest, I think Chris Carter is a really bad director. Of course he is. It's terrible. I'm even talking to his TV episodes. I just think he's bad at doing this. This is the only movie he directed.

Yeah. And it's like, big surprise. Why would they let him? Why would they let him? I know he's the creator of the X-Files. I know it's his little baby. Sure.

But get a real director. Yeah. Get a film school kid who's going to take some chances, maybe. Or get fucking Rob Bowman back. We were just talking about Rob Bowman. So you have a film school kid, I really think that this series, and this is my novice opinion, not having seen it all, they should have like handed it off to a new generation like like x-files the next generation that's

well that you can sort of make those two dogged and rea's seasons more interesting if you just pretend it's ex-files the new class yeah yeah and then like in that first mini series that they came back with that season 10 yeah there's Lauren Ambrose and some other guys yeah who are like junior agents but it comes to nothing Lauren Ambrose can't be a in that show like that. That's like, she looks too much like Gillian Anderson.

Come on. No, I see what you're doing. Just reboot it. Reboot it. Yeah, exactly. Reboot it. Get Chris Cabin and Eric Siska.

Exactly. As the two. Sexual tension up to wilds. Yeah, you would even know what hit you. The sex files, dude. But I think it's a great concept.

And I'm, I think there should be new episodes that's not Molder and Scully going like, oh, we love each other. Oh, my God. What about our baby? The Joel McHale shit, I was just,

I had to watch David fucking Decoveny dance to a song that said badonka donk in the year of 2016 holy fucking shit but a counterpoint I think this movie

as a what I'll call a cherry picker as it is for this show just like in the good stuff I'm just picturing you every time you say that you're a cherry picker by the way it's you in like a phone company

cherry picker like trying to fix cables after a store I was thinking he was the cherry picker like a transformer. Oh, shit. That's cool. Draw that. That'd look terrible. It would have to be a total Decepticon, dude, because Steve is so small and he'd have to be like a huge cherry

picker machine. Come on. Steve's a smart car at best. But here's what I'm saying. Right. I think that there's some room here for a just a couple of people, a skeptic and a non-skeptic solving creepy mysteries as a movie. Sure. That would be great. That would be so

fucking good. We're scary. Maybe Dracula's involved. Maybe he's not. He's on vacation. We're finally fighting Dracula, Scully. Turns out he's an alien from Neptune. Oh, Scully, I just, my great uncle Horvost just died in Transylvania. We have to spend a night in his castle. Right. You don't want to do an heir to. Oh, poor Ann Hortense. And they kind of dip into some of that with this movie, but then it just decides to take a nap again. It's just, it's so aggressively boring. So, I mean, the dime store, the back of the box is, Mulder and Scully are forced out of retirement because an agent goes missing. Right.

And Billy Connolly is a psychic and Amanda, Pete, and Exhibit are kind of a new team on an X-File Z kind of thing. And they bring them in to kind of say, hey, is Billy Connolly a psychic or is he not? And that's like, so right there, that's an interesting thing. Like, because they know where Scully is. She's teaching or she's, she's a doctor at this, like, Catholic hospital, which makes sense. Scully was a devout Catholic on the show, so that all, like, totally fits. Can I do a, can I do a Tobolowski pause really quickly?

Of course. I'm curious, because I've only watched, again, I'm not, I'm not, how old is Scully supposed to be? When did she go to both medical school and through FBI training? Is it a Duky-Hauser situation? Or is it like Sam Beckett in Chronobody? leap he had like seven advanced degrees and also like when did she so like all right like maybe she's just say she's a general practitioner and also like just got a medical degree and then what right to the

FBI when does she become a a pediatric oncologist well she you know she did 39 years old she cut open a lot of corpses right as an ex-filean oh so she got an honorary degree well she throughout the show she was a doctor first yeah doctor thing came first and then she gave it up to be in the FBI. Her parents hated her for it. Sure. But then it was always like at the at the right bold age of 26. It was mostly for autopsies though. It evolved into, but

it was also evolving into like she was like a scientist and she was always like doing research and shit. Yeah. So how that then transfers into well, it's not cancer. Like this kid has some weird disease. So yeah, presumably she's doing a surgery. It's a thing. She's doing many

surgeries in this film. She does surgeries throughout the show. Yeah. Well, me. Hey, Mulder, I'm a doctor. I can prescribe you some pills. We're going to be on this plane for a long time. You know, we never said you was a good doctor. That's a really good point.

She probably loses half of those patients. That Catholic hospital's hard up. Scully, this wasn't supposed to be an autopsy. You were just taking some blood. No, no, no, you can definitely take that with alcohol. Mulder, it's cool. I'm a doctor. I'm a cool doctor.

Four, five, six, seven, whatever. I think that was part of the FBI's motivation, though, to, like, team her with Mulder to sort of debunk what he was doing. Because, like, she is a doctor. It's one of the most, like, you know, you have to stand by scientific beliefs kind of a thing. Catholic doctor and scientific beliefs. I don't know about all that. That whole thing, I was like, fucking priest-run hospital. Nuns running all over?

Get the fuck out of here. So she gets approached. Is it by Amanda Pete or is it by Exhibit or is it by Exhibit or is it by a third person? It's Exhibit. Welcome to Pimp My! My patience. Can I just say, exhibit dates a movie so hard. It's like having an establishing date on the side of a building.

If exhibits in your movie, it's like having an establishing date. But Amanda P.2 dates this movie. That woman worked in the George W. Bush era, and that's it. From 2000 to 2008, she owned that shit. When you got that fucking sick, sick game of Thrones money, man, you don't have to do dittily dead. Oh, that's right. She's married to one of those guys.

I think she's married to David Benio. So that's like retire on that dude's fucking fortune. The Iron Bank right there, man. Yeah, he hasn't even gotten to the Star Wars money yet. Yeah, you know, she's probably going to show up in one of those movies. I would be certain. She's fine.

She's totally fine. I'm not a knock on Amanda Pete. Well, I find her not great. She's not great. No, she's definitely not. She's really good in American Gods. Oh, is she?

Yeah. I'm not going to watch that. It's really good. I keep saying I'm going to do it. Brian Fuller. Well, you're actually Steve reading fucking Neil Gaming out the ass. I didn't. I don't care. That's one of my favorite

Neil Gaming Things is American God. So Exhibit comes up to her as like, hey look, you know, I know that there's a manhunt, in air quotes, manhunt for Mulder, for Fox Mulder, for all this stuff. If you agree to help us with this case, we

will call off the goons. Right. Right. So there's a manhunt after him because he's been mailing what is it? It's, no, it's arsenic, it's anthrax. It's a powder. I don't think they actually want to say what it is. To the government. To the government. Scully, the

he's got that Kazinsky beard. He's got that Kazinski beard. Absolutely. Absolutely does. Now, wait, did I miss that line? Is he actually, or were you joking around? I'm joking. He's not. Oh, oh, because I was like no, there was the whole explosion in

New Mexico. Don't you remember the end of the series? No, I don't. What happened in New Mexico dude? Oh, well, there was more Oh, it stays in New Mexico. There's a lot of shit going on. and then like a helicopter blew a fucking missile at the cigarette smoking man and a mountain exploded.

Well, helicopter blew a missile. What is this? Transformers? So after... Fox Mulder, you were right. Just stop for crying out loud. Just stop. Fox Mulder, take that off of eBay.

It is me, Optimus Prime, and I need those eyeglasses. That's X-Files meets the Transformers. Why not? Absolutely. That would be something. Every fucking day with this fox. Every fucking day. I would watch that.

That's Fulis could do a crossover with any major franchise. Absolutely. Terminator, yes, please. All right, Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo, and Donatello. I've got you the pizza. Extra cheesy, just the way you like it. I think the only time they actually...

Scully dissect those goddamn turtles. I think the only time they actually crossed over was on Millennium. Well, that doesn't even count. And the lone gunman. Yeah, Mulder appeared on the lone. gunman. That doesn't count. Or did he?

I just know they appeared on the X-Files. Yes. Well, no, Mulder definitely did. I was getting, because like the show ran concurrently with the X-Files. Because at the end of the X-Files, the lone gunman die. I'm going to have to call. They get murdered in a fucking room full of poisonous gas. And then Skinner, this is ridiculous.

Skinner arranges for them, the lone gunman, three dudes who fucking hate the government to be buried in Arlington, That's against my wishes. What about the lone gunman's families? Yep. Oh, those men had no families. I'm going to have to call in a friend of mine, Scully. Meet the predator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Skinner, Arlington. Sure, yeah, put him in the ditch. The ditch. Outback. But the weird thing is like... The Arlington ditch. I think that we have no idea where Mulder is, Although, isn't Scully living with him?

No. She's not. No. She just knows where he's at. And she's like staying over sometimes. Yeah. Booty calls. It's like, we're fucking all the time.

We should point out that this was made right when he was separating from Talyoni. Yeah. And this was released the same year he went into rehab for sex addiction. Oh, yeah. Anyways. So, yeah. So they're fucking, but she doesn't live there. He has this compound that she knows how to get to.

It's like, you've got to move this gate, drive another 10 miles onto some property. And he's just got this farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. So Billy Connolly is one of these, like, he assists the FBI because he's having visions as the idea. Well, the beginning of this movie is almost exciting where it's like, it's this woman. She's driving and it's intercut with them looking for her body. Right. Yeah, which is cool. They do the editing as such that, like, you don't catch on right?

away as to what's happening. And then when you put it together, you're like, oh, that's cool. And then this dude who looks like John Malkovich attacks this woman. It's like a sickly John Malcovich. Set to the beautiful landscape of supposedly West Virginia, but we have like the Yukon territory rocky mountains in the background. Well, that's an X-Files tradition. Just filming in Canada, man. Which was great. It was a welcome thing to go back to Canada. Like the back half of that show is filmed in L.A. It was when you start season six, everything's sunny as shit. You know the difference, you know the other dead giveaway for Canada? Callum Keith Rennie just hanging out in this movie.

That guy's not allowed in the States. I really don't think so. I don't think so either. I think a lot of those Battlestar guys, he's Battlestar guys. Yeah, he's back. He's the one of the Sinald guys. One of the Sinald-Obin. Oh, yes, he was.

Cabin, was he also, was he unjustified? Yes, I think so. Yeah. Because I didn't watch Battlestar, but he looked awfully familiar. I'm almost part. I mean, he's on a lot of TV. Yeah. And he's like kind of the big baddie.

So they both, they attack this woman. One of them gets a rake to the face. Yeah, you don't want that. And the John Malcovic looking dudes. And you find out what they actually wind up finding the FBI and Billy Conno's like, it's over here. Oh, oh, it's right here. And they dig and they find this dude's arm with the scratches on it. It's like, oh, that's something.

Oh, yeah. So it's not the woman, but it's that dude's scratched arm. Yes. Dun, done, done. Saving it for later. He's unarmed and dangerous. Oh, yikes. So, yeah, so Mulder agrees to do this.

Scully brings him to the FBI building where we have the worst joke that this movie puts forward. They're like walking down the hall talking about like the X-Files, this, that, the other thing. The more things change, the more they stay the same, whatever the fuck. they stop outside somebody's office and then you see like something

catch Mulder's eye and it's like what is he looking at? Camera pan to the left dating this once again it's a picture of George W. Bush and you just cue the X-Files theme song Wii U, weirdo. What a weird time to live in. You don't even know what's coming

man. Holy fucking shit. Isn't it such an innocent joke now right? And then it pans like back to the right and the other side of the door. it's a picture of Hoover. Hoover. And you're like, look at these two weirdos. And they just kind of like laugh to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I

will say... Super weird alien-y guys, not violent maniacs. They were violent maniac. Yes. Okay, that's your point. Well... It's like, oh, they're weird aliens. I will say, in 2008, seeing this in the theater, that was like a big joke and people loved

it. Oh, yeah. We were done with it. We were like, oh, man, here's the last gasp of this. shit. Yep. And like, yeah, stick it to that guy kind of a thing. Totally sticking it to him. Well, that's, that's, uh, the Chris Carter thing, man. That's all what these new things are, too. Can we talk about the, the beard that he's where he's sporting in this? And I mean, like, come on. Come on, movie. You know what? Get David Dukhovany, but you know, David grow a beard. Yep. Grow any, or, or just don't.

It would probably take him like a week. You, like, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a masculine guy. Yeah, sure. Duke Covney. He's got that Eastern European blood in him. He'd have a fucking field day growing up. He's shaving three times a day. Totally. It's like a werewolf that guy. And it's like it's this fucking SNL sketch beard. Dude, I've seen Will Ferrell wear this exact beard on

that fucking hot tub swingers sketch. Scully, we fill our bellies with goat meat and now we'll make love. Yes, exactly. It's the same beard. Mulder, why are you always looking off to the right every time you say something?

It's like you're reading Q cards, Mulder. Now, was this I'm trying to, like, I'm trying to find a reason for this beard. Was that show Californication on at the time? The year before it premiered. He didn't have a beard on that? No, but

Oh, exactly. 2007. If he was hopping between like, filming this and filming that, that was absolutely the reason. Maybe that's the explanation for the no beard. It's also the cheapest way to signify it's been a while since I've had to be around people. Yes, the

in hiding look. Oh, pardon me. I just woke up from a coma. It's the podcaster. Yes. You know what, I haven't been around people

for a long time. Give him bleach blonde hair and a blonde mustache, man. That is something. That's like, oh, now I'm on the run. I am on the run. Bright blue contact lenses,

dude, make him look really fucking weird like a robot. That would be so unsettling. Just totally fake as anything. It would be great. Lots of costumes. in this hideaway he's got.

Just do white chicks with the X-Fine. Like, give him a bunch of, like, ragged jackets. Like, he should look like fucking Hagrid. Yeah. Or he should look like that dude, well, it turns out that was a lady that played this bum, but the guy behind the dumpster and Mulholland Drive. Oh, right. But also, like, FBI and your manhunt.

How about you, if you actually have a manhunt, follow Scully for a day. Because she's been booty calling this dude for six years. Yeah. Oh, you know, every week Scully goes to this. weird compound on the outskirts of West Virginia. Whoops, that's where Mulder is. No, that would be too much. But I think there's a throwaway line, though, where she says something to him, like,

Mulder, if the FBI, like, actually really wanted to find you, they would find you. They're trying to do, like, the courteous thing and, like, give you the opportunity to come in to help them, sort of. Well, that's not going to stop my internet radio show, Scully. Uh-oh, it's 2008. My real player froze. West of the Rockies, you're on the air. Oh, R-IPD.

Oh, he would have been, you know, Mulder would have been great at that shit. Absolutely. He knows everybody. He wants to believe every fucking maniac. Have a little fun with it. Do like the beginning of Ghostbusters, too. Maybe Scully is doing kids' birthday parties, and Mulder's got a fun cable access show. That's right.

Well, it is kind of like Scully is at this hospital. Like, this is her thing now. She's totally given up being an FBI. She's celebrating birthday parties with cancer patients. Scully and Skinner go to kids' birthday parties. My dad says you're full of crap. Remember when the X-Files saved this town? Oh, the X-Files got sued by the city?

Yes. The city of New Mexico, man. The city of New Mexico. That's right. The city of New Mexico. We're playing fast to lose. So they go to meet Billy Connolly at one of these fucking disgusting all these pedophile priests get

put in an apartment complex things which is a real thing police each other yeah police each other is that sort of like when the guy who wrote into the show like had to watch son of the mask with someone else so that he wouldn't masturbate during it

oh possibly so like they have to like they have to like always be making sure like they're not jacking into something weird that's exactly right or to someone in the room or jacking someone in the room I gotta tell you these pedophile apartments look pretty great and Billy

Connelly is impeccably dressed this entire movie. He feels really cozy. You get a whole one bedroom to yourself. It's fucking crazy. You're playing records smoking cigarettes? I played the capitalist game and I wasn't even able to afford something that nice. Exactly. No, and the only tradeoff is society

on the whole knows that you fuck 37 kids. 37 by the way. What a number. You know what? It's a terrible thing but he achieved mightily at being a piece of shit. Yes. Those are Wilts Chamberlain numbers That's awful So they go to this compound

Scully's like Immediately disgusted by this whole thing But Mulder There's kind of an awkward thing right here Where Mulder's like Oh well It's something about like getting information from him And you'd just be watching them like a hawk

He's like I'd get in bed with this guy I'd kiss his holy ass Blah blah blah And then is it exhibit Who's like Yeah he is a convicted pedophile who molested 37 altar boys to which malder goes maybe i'd stay out of bed with him just making these jokes he does it again he molested two minutes later he said there's something

about an activities room just avoid the activities room in the sex offender dorms 37 in a row just a busy day try not to molest any kids on the way to the parking lot to 37 kids. I assure you the X-Files are open. Mulder, I don't even want to be here today. Ah, you got me. Mulder, this man died with an erection. But Scully, that's impossible.

And then this woman fucked it. Fucked this dead erection. It's a ghost baby, Scully. We have to go to New Jersey. apparently the apocalypse is going to happen and these stoners met an angel oh they'd be there see that's anything

you can't do with anything FYI there's definite episode of the X-Files I think it's season one where they do indeed tackle the jersey novel you know Mulder it looks like this thing was both fecal matter and yet alive is looking at pretzels I guess

the shit monster gotcha oh right I forgot about that little lovable guy. Is that a movie that holds up? I think that movie is fun enough, but it's not great. I remember liking it. Yes. I don't know if that would be the case today.

I can't remember the last time I saw it. Me either. So we go into Billy Connolly's apartment where he's watching the Jefferson's. Oh, right. And we get a lot of, like, the Jefferson's theme song is playing here. And I don't get what the nod is here. What are we moving on up to? Because it's not a better case.

load. This is a really fucking C-grade episode of the television show. I just think that we're talking about like, oh, it's fun, this is what he's doing. I don't know. Like, it's something. No, you just got to take time to humanize the pedophile. That's what you've got to do. Again and again. Not Scully, who there's a weird, like,

she fucking loses it. Gillian Anderson is like totally laying into this dude and she lets her like, I live in England now shit, slip where she's, this is Dana Scully. Like Virginia's Dana Scully. or Maryland's Danes Culley is like, oh, yeah, well, you know, I didn't bugger 37 altar boys. And I was like, bugger. Who the fuck says bugger?

English people. Yeah. Not like mid-Atlantic FBI agents. But I think it's also like you can't say fuck, you know what the word should be. Because then even Mulder's like, well, you really went in on him. And she's like, I could have said something worse. I wish she did. I wish this movie had any balls.

I wish it did something. I wish we saw actual things happen. Now, Steve and I both had this, this weird, wrong memory that, like, this movie was sort of about werewolves. Yeah. What? Yes. I thought that, like, when we, when this kid on the sketch, I was like, oh, the X-Files,

it's a boring movie, but at least there's some werewolves in there at the end. And I keep waiting for that werewolf to show up. But also, I realized rewatching it last night since the only time I've watched it since the theater. Well, it's way worse than that because I definitely was watching it this time, like, oh, fuck, I fell asleep. the theater for an extended period of time. This movie is one hour and 47 minutes

and there's a part around one hour where you're like oh it's ending and I paused it and I was like there's still 45 minutes left to this movie. It goes on for so long and all these extra like you are stuck in the hospital with Dana Scully

for so much of this fucking movie. We got to get in it. So yeah she her thing is there's this one case this kid named Christian. Interesting. You get it yet? Oh, did anybody else notice Billy Connelly's last name? No. Christman.

Oh, no, it's not. Yes, it is. 100%. Come on. Father Joe Christman? Yeah. Are you serious? I'm 100% serious.

Man, that's stupid. Joe, something, there's a middle name. Check the facts on this. Is it Jesus? Is this middle name Jesus? So she has, she's got this case, and this kid was this rare disease, and the hospital doesn't want to pay for the treatment, but they also think it's like a lost cost,

so they just want to let him go with God. Which, dude, nice out Catholic hospital. Yeah. The old, it's in God's hands now? Wow. Jack Nicholson is that fucking hospital purchaser and bucket list would not stand by that. By the way, I looked it up.

It's Father Joseph Christman, no T. Oh, double ass. Still, close enough. Too close for comfort if you ask me. And I think it's pronounced with the tea. No, I mean, if that's your line of work, why not? Her whole thing for most of this movie is trying to find either a cure or she has like all these board meetings she has to go to.

A lot of video conferencing in this movie. And I'm like, get me the fuck out of you. It's fine. Again, like, it would be as if in Ghostbusters too, we keep having to watch like a Winston like book these birthday parties. And then they show up to one. and nobody's there, and it's like, oh, man, I brought, I bought the balloons and everything, like, which would be more exciting, A, but Stephen Soderberg's Ghostbusters.

It would be like, because, like, you're watching, like, a super dull professional moment. Yeah. Like, watching extended scenes of Dana Barrett restoring those paintings. Yep. Just, like, and in Ghostbusters, too, we get that, like, for one scene. Yes. She does it, and for, like, two seconds, and then Venkman comes and interrupts it, and the movie's allowed to continue. you. This is just like the movie, the whole thing about finding this missing FBI agent has to

stop dead so we can have extended scenes with lots of dialogue about Scully's crisis of faith. At least with Ghostbusters 2, the whole villain's established through art, like art repair or whatever, what do I call it? Restoration, yeah. Yeah, like that's actually part of the plot. Right. Is this hospital come to anything? No, no, nothing. It's just like her, the connection. The is like her frustration with priests like she's mad at the priests at the hospital and so like one yes naturally hating a convicted pedophile but then it's amplified by the fact that he's a catholic priest and the catholic church is fucking with her in this professional world and you know i'd be looking at that children's ward and whole new set eyes after that and they're kind of right if

if she's working with the fbi on this major case like i wouldn't want her doing surgery yeah that's a fucking taxing job. Yeah, but that's not the reason they give. They could, they could use that as the out. Like Dana, you are always leaving this hospital to go fucking dance around with your old FBI buddy. Meanwhile, we got dying kids here. The father of your fucking child. Right, William. Billy. Billy the kid. Billy. Baby Billy. So, yeah, so, um, yeah, Billy Connolly is like, oh, you know, I see the, he's her child. Yeah. He's like, cable. He's from an alternate. he grew up early yeah i've been molesting kids in the old other timeline the summer of josh brolin but it gets weird so they do this obnoxious thing where billy connelly keeps bringing them back

to the same field so when you got a boring as balls movie the great idea is to keep returning to the same dark field repeatedly and then have characters call that out like they go to this field and exhibits just like he keeps bringing us back here it's like yet the movie is going in circles. And then like mankind, like they look away for one second. Now he's crying blood. It's like, what did you get a little razor blade in your, uh, in your little sleeve there? And it's somewhere around here. Exhibit makes mention of like very briefly some X-Files mythology about Mulder's sister who was abducted by aliens when they were a kid. It sets off like Fox Mulder's interest in the paranormal and whatever. And exhibit out of nowhere is like, you believe this psychic and

you think the psychic's going to find this girl, and it's because you think that your sister's still alive. You knew this. Why did you bring him in in the first place then? And he says it, like, in the car, like they're driving there, and he's like, you know, your sister's still dead, right? Well, no, he's just like, oh, yeah, he thinks his sister was abducted by E.T. And it's like, I don't know.

Oh, dude, my sister's actually dead, though. Like, hi. Like, that's not all right. Like, dead, dead. Like, in the ground. So they're doing this thing. where they're trying to suss out,

like we said, whether or not Billy Connelly's actually having these psychic visions. They take them, you know, I hate to keep doing it.

Give him the Ghostbusters test. Get a deck of cards. Yeah, definitely. A couple of wavy lines. You are a natural of this. Why wouldn't I help the turtle? Oh,

yeah, give him that fucking test, dude. Find him if he's a replica. Why not? Or give him a drawing test? Maybe he'd draw, maybe have him draw a turtle?

Yeah, or Keithers. Sutherland. It's kind of a good fuck you to the FBI right here, though, because Billy Connelly's like, no, this ain't the house, you know? Like, this is where this grisly murder or kidnapping took place. But then it's like, just directly across the street. The garage.

And Amanda Pete's like, uh, okay, that tells us nothing because when we pulled in, he could have seen the fucking caution tape. Yes, exactly. If you're trying to pull this trick, go on a completely different street. Yeah. Completely different neighborhood. it's so all of this shit like that is so lazy like what oh do we want to we want to block off two streets to film the sequence no we'll just do one all right make the wrong house just immediately across the street hey hey hey you stop thinking that this pedophile is a charlatan okay you watch your mouth you better warm up to this kid toucher you fucker i saw billy connelly in the street once and he was touching kids big as life and cool as fuck really he's like probably like six five or something he's a big dude

He was dressed, oh, man, was he boondocking out? Was he boot docking out? He was totally boodocked out. He was wearing a black t-shirt. It was the summary of black sunglasses. Oh, yeah, he did. Dude, that guy's getting laid to night. Yeah, like a t-shirt tucked into jeans.

Like, you know, like, yeah, that's the book, man. That's something. That is something. Speaking of Billy Connolly, can I tell you the only, this is one of the most irrational things I've ever done. The only very vivid memory I have. have of having like a childhood like temper tantrum like a total fuck-off freak out uh-huh was the first time you saw billy connolly kind of he was just that good billy connelly for a fashion a very short fashion he had a tv show television show called billy i believe it was it a tgIF situation

yeah i remember this com right it was a sitcom and i think it was a teacher yes and it was like a 930 slot situation so it was like for a kid like kind of late on a Friday right I remember like watching the first like few minutes of an episode of that show and my mom being like time for bed and I had a fucking freak out

screaming and I remember this screaming I want to watch Billy just repeatedly as this poor woman dragged me into bed and for what I didn't know who this guy was I didn't watch the show regularly but I was having a stupid kid freak out

over a lame Billy Connolly sit down. Oh, Andrew, just go to bed. You don't want to watch this. It ain't for you. He's real. Yeah, I mean, like, so the plot, I mean, like, the bad guy, what's actually happening here? That's a great question.

So, what happens again is, you don't know what's going on with this woman. Then we cut to a public pool. There's a woman swimming around. Calam Keith Rennie is there. Is he supposed to be jerking off in this pool? No, it's not. Are you sure? Oh, right.

The character's gay. They drop that in there. Yeah, I mean, you could still just be jerking off in a public pool. I didn't mean jerking off to that woman swimming. Oh, no.

I just meant, because he is sitting on like the bottom of the pool just like staring out into space and I was like, that dude's jerking off. And he's probably got a vivid imagination. Or he could be bisexual

and just married to him in. Yeah, that's true. It's also a completely possible. It's a possible. another 2008 thing when we learn a little bit of more about these villains and it's like yes, it's this guy and this guy, they're both

like, you know, they emigrated from Russia, they're here now, and by the way, in the state of Massachusetts, they're legally married. Who says that again? That's exhibit. Exhibits of it.

It was a really bad exhibit impression. It was the portrait of George W. Bush saying. I was like the Conan O'Brien bit Like the mouth was clapping I was making exhibits sound like Boss Tweed

But yeah I mean like that's fine It's like an interesting wrinkle If you do anything with it But nothing Nothing comes of it So he abducts this We're kind of doing insomnia a little bit

Like we're on this icy road Yep And he's got this snow plow He plows her off the road It's a tow truck It's got a thing on a It's like a homemade plow. It's a plow.

Well, no, like, I mean, it's like for if you did that for your work and you also took it off to do. Yeah, he's got like a pickup truck. Maybe that's what it. It's like a pickup truck with a plow. That's what it is. I see. Yeah, yeah. And it also, you know, on the weekends, it's a party mobile, man.

Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they take that up to the lake? Yeah, man. Yeah. And also, the mafia needs like major, major graves pull flowed over often in this town. The plow pays for itself You can find plow jobs

And honestly, if you're doing a mass grave A plow is the thing that'll get it done fast You're also employing as we'll find out Spoiler alert a mad doctor So you know A couple of mad doctors That's some dollars It's way less conspicuous than a backhoe

You want to get a pickup plow is perfect If it gets bloodied You can remove the plow Sure You can fucking bury the plow with the body I want to be a little bit a plow guy. Scully, this plow has seen some shit. Let's investigate it. I'm getting some paranormal vibes from this plow. That name again is Mr. Plow. Scully is amputating the

she pulls down a welder's mask. Oh, this is interesting, Mulder. This is metal. This isn't an alien body at all. I thought it was one of those transformers. Over here, mother fuck missed me again isn't this crossover grand it would be so good I would love to see Optimus Prime like dissected by a government mechanic ow

ow there is that great episode where knock me out give me the gas oh right like Dr. Scully give me the gas like junior his was a drink I'll count back

third gear second gear first Mr. Mr. Optimus you've been out for quite some time now do you remember what road you're on

and you can you hold up three tires for me Route 69 Give me more of the juice So he runs this woman off the road She crashes into a huge Bail of Hay Yes

He comes up to the window And also like this is a weird thing on this woman's part. Like, I know you just got in a car accident. Things are pretty scary right now. But this dude clearly ran you off the road purposely, right? So Callum Keith Rennie comes up to the window and she's like, oh, thank God. Help me.

I can't. And it's just like, no, no, no. He's the dude that just did this. It's only going to get worse. He's not helping shit. He knocks her out and takes her out of the car. And I guess Billy Conley at this point gets another vision. It's like, right?

Yeah. There's a vision that happens, but there's a really important thing right here. This is the scene. This is the scene where Scully's having some trouble sleeping. And then you hear Mulder be like, trouble sleeping, Scully. And he like rolls over and there's Molder. And we are making a Fox Mulder fucking poking Scully with his boner joke in this movie. Nice.

Good God damn. This is not why I fell in love with this show. You waited 15 years for it. It's finally there on the big screen. And it's just a fucking boy. Yeah, like, I was like, oh, Mulder and Sculler are going to fall in love. No, Mulder just wants to fuck Scully. Like, that's how it is.

And she compliments his dick. Oh, totally. Because it'll keep you up for a little while. It's like, it's not little. It's like, all right. You know what, guys. You know what? I don't have kids here, but I've got class.

I got class here. Question, would the show be, or in the franchise, I guess, would have been better without them hooking up maybe? Yeah. Because like in these newer things, it's just like a weird, especially this season 11, it's just like established that they're fucking all the time. But yeah, they keep on bringing it up. If they didn't do that, that'd be great. It's obnoxious as fuck. You want, if you want them to be together, fine. Don't fucking shove it down. Keep it on the message boards if you want it. You know what I mean? That's where that belongs.

That belongs in fan fiction. There was an element of adversarialness to it originally. Now it's just like, oh, it's weird. it's all like our wedding and our fucking kid and whatever. And it's just not interesting. It's not interesting television. It's not interesting film. See anytime Jim and Pam after they got together. Holy shit. I wish I had an ejector seat.

Oh, hashtag Team Roy. Yeah, man. Roy got a rod. He was abusive. But Jim Halper was a piece of garbage too. But that wedding episode is great. I don't even remember. No, I cut out.

They got married in Niagara, And it was a touching episode of television. Was he still a smug piece of shit when he was doing it? Yeah, dude. Dude, you know what, man? Better than you, Cabin. Hey, Cabin, better than you. So the, uh, the documentary crew was also his wedding videographer.

Yeah, two birds, one stone. And then, uh, she cheated on him in that last season with one of the documentary crew. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think they, did they ever work out? Yeah. I think they did she living on that beat farm now. I was always, she's one of the, Dwight's six wives. The beet farm that didn't go to series, you mean? I was really hoping that the whole thing would end, like,

Manbyte's dog. Oh, fuck. I was shooting a baby? Oh, yeah. No, the whole office. Scareing Michael Scott to death by screaming in his face over his pills. I mean, Dwight should definitely commit suicide, right? Oh, he would have to.

Like, at the end of everything. If you did a modern of the office, because it's crazy that that shows, like, dated now. Yeah. Like, Dwight would be like an in-cell, MRI guy. He'd be lecturing people about how women should behave. He kind of is that already. They just didn't have a name for it back then. That's fair.

Also, maybe he would become like kind of a low-grade Koresh type figure. Oh, yeah, he'd be alt-right as fuck. They got that farm, dude. Oh, yeah, dude, militia. That's the Second Amendment right, Jim. That's MRA if I've ever heard it. My cousin mows with the machine gun. He mose down lip-tarts.

Oh, Lord. This is the Beat Farm and Proud Boys Head H-Q-1. To do their last stand against the oppressive Bureau of Land Management because they're like the Bundy Ranch. Oh, then they get sent to a bunch of dildos and Dwight's getting upset about it. Yes. Dude, those guys getting upset about getting dildos in the mail is one of the funniest things you'll see. I honestly think like the Bundy Ranch scenario, I know we're getting off topic.

Could have been, could be like a funny sitcom. Yeah, you're totally right. It's a bunch of wacky people stuck in a funny situation. Yeah, exactly. Get Tim Allen to play like Clive and Bundy. Oh, totally. Ra, right, right. Exactly.

Stop sending us dildos. So Scully starts talking about this. She got these autopsy results from this arm, the blood results or whatever. Arm topsy. Oh, arm to optopsies. Welcome back to arm topsy. That was a separate degree.

That was a separate degree. She had to get it. Alien arm topsy. hosted by Jonathan Frakes Oh my God Tonight we have an arm So that turned out to be fake Huh?

The alien autopsy tape Yeah dude It turned out to be I was thinking about like Maybe it wasn't Like maybe they just said that Because it was real You know what I'm saying

Oh right dude Throw us all off the scent Exactly Do you ever see that It's on like I think Netflix now Did you rewatch it? No

Oh man it's embarrassing For Mr. Freaks Wait are you talking about Beyond Believe fact or fiction Yes Netflix or Hulu. It's on prime. It's on prime.

Because I have been going through it. Is that where the alien autopsy was? No, that was a different special altogether, Steve. That was on Fox. And it was a special... Oh, no, that's what I mean. Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, the alien autopsy.

Yes, yeah. Oh, no, I was referring to the show Beyond Believe Factor Fiction that he hosted. No, he has to be like, put the kids to bed. We don't know if this is real or not, but we're just going to present these as fact. That's right.

And he has to, like, play both sides. It was like, you might, you know, that distortion there could have been the work of clever filmmakers or is that an alien? See, and that's what's interesting though because that's pretty much what he does on that Beyond Belief Factor Fiction Show

because that whole thing is like you watch five segments and at the end of every segment he's like, was this real? Was it not? We'll let you know at the end. And then insert some pun that related to the last story you just watched. The so-called free press doesn't want you to know.

It was like four seasons long that first seasons hosted by James Brolin. Oh, nice. And then you just get frakes and he's just doing these really bad jokes. He's called him a grandpa Thanos, as you call it, James Bowling. Oh, that's right. Is he Thanos' dad? Yeah. In the movie?

No. It's Josh Brolin's father. No, I knew. They're both named Brolin. That's the hits. Do you know what? Because Infinity War was so jam-packed. I honestly was like, did I miss Thanos's dad? Oh, right. That's understandable. He was the one

that gutted. Oh, it never mind. Yes. Oh, so the thing I was saying about the arm topsy, she lets Mulder know that also in this dude's arm was a chemical that is known as being a powerful animal tranquilizer. And that's even me rewatching this movie. That's right. We're like, we're like, we're doing the same thing. I was like, oh boy, she's going to tell him it's from a wolf. It's wolf's blood. It's not that. No, it's not. Imagine it'd be pretty cool if it was. It would be pretty cool. Also, sexy scene here. Sorry. Please.

This is David Duke Covey, and he's shaving that beard off. This is like Fox Mulder getting back into fighting shape. Is him fucking shaving this beard? Shaving off the tape. Dude, he looks like... He looks like fucking Tevia

in the high school production of Fiddler. And is so bad this beard. It's ridiculous. He shaves it off. If I was a rich crap. And then like... Like, you could have just... You could be a weirdo living in the middle of nowhere and shave.

That happens. That's right. That's half the country. Conversely, I'm a weirdo that lives in one of the busiest cities on earth, and I look like I haven't seen anyone in years. Look how much of a scumbag I look like, right? Being in a crowd is one of the loneliest places to be. So we keep cutting back to the actual facility where this woman was kidnapped to,

which is like a dog pound slash like Russian not. Nazi doctor something or other. Yeah, and all you're seeing is this woman like stuck in a box. Yes. And like just the little peep holes and like people walking around. So let's get into what this thing is because

it's very confusing. I'm not really sure. Yeah. They are Russian expats that come over here to do crazy science. And the science they want to do is put heads on things. Yeah.

Double heads. Which is a, which was a thing in the old Soviet Union. There were certain doctors that did do that. I think they successfully put a dog's head on another dog and it lived for like a few hours or a day or something. I think you're right. It's like a breakthrough at the time. And I think it's also important to point out that these aren't expats. You would refer to these guys as ex-Soviet scientists. Big time. These dudes came over here, but they didn't want to be here. But what is the angle here? Like who's in charge? I have no idea. I don't know what the structure is. I don't know any of the scientists. It would be awesome.

if like they established this dude as like a real heavy and there's a hench you know that's what the show is a crime boss or whatever was great about the show the show always gave a good amount of time to the the the oddity the villain of each episode what have we given that fucking worm in the sewer got more time than these fucking russian fucking mad scientists we're going to double the length of a regular episode and give you way less exposition or anything and then a melodrama about dr scullough and the cancer kids. When you think about it that way, the fact that this is really like, it's just a longer episode. Like some of the worst TNG movies and shit where they're just like, they would be episodes you would skip

in your cherry picking, right? But it's actually kind of impressive that they have more to work with and somehow give so much less. It's incredible. Even Callum Keith Rennie, like the idea is him and his husband. I don't know.

According to the state of me. Massachusetts. Could you imagine? Stop it now. You know, that's not even America. Yeah. Massachusetts. It's 2008, so no one was into that, by the way.

That's right. None of the Democrats weren't. None of the Democrats. Except for like Dennis Kucinich, maybe. Oh, that's hilarious. That guy's a joke. Oh, wait, no, he's not. Go back and look at the Daily show from that era.

That's all they do. Yeah, it's like. Yikes. Yeah, John wasn't great on that one. But anyway, so, like, him and his husband, we're not sure anything about them. All we know is that this guy, the bald one, wants to put his head on a lady body.

And, like, I guess the joke or idea is that's what all gay people want to do. It's a slippery slope. It's a slippery phrase. You got there in Massachusetts. Now you got to put their heads on the body. Which, and I feel like, I don't know what I, Chris Carter, I need a scene with these two guys.

I need a scene with these guys. I was just talking about how the plan is going. You never even like really see the main baddie really that much. You don't. Like ever at all. I don't know who he is. Is the main baddie supposed to be Calam Keith Rennie? Or is that that scientist?

No, it's the bald scientist is the guy who's doing all this shit. He's got the double dog. The guy with the rake face, the sideshow Bob. Oh, the guy that looks like John Malkovich? Yes. He's the ringleader? I don't know who's, I honestly, he's dead.

He's like, he's the one who, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, okay, so he's, he's, okay, so he got molested. And, like, then he married this dude and, like, I guess, like, is he, I have no idea what's going on. They got in conjunction. Is he trying to get revenge on Billy Colleen's, so I don't. I don't know. Or Billy Connolly has like this sperm connection. Who would know? They don't care.

They don't want to tell you anything. They don't. It's incredible. I would love anyone on the mailbag right in. Tell me who these people are and what they're trying to achieve for this movie that I watched an hour and 48 minutes of. The fact that this guy, I mean, he's the one getting his head removed and put on another body. The fact that he has a- Women.

Right. But he's got a connection to one of the fucking characters. So I was like, well, that's your big. batty that's your main guy yeah but you don't know even though even though uh leobin from battle star is more of the i guess the heavy he's doing all the work yeah exactly doing all the kidnapping and whatnot and again like that'd be great if he just comes back and he's like you know i'm doing this for us and whatever our plan is and maybe this gets us money and why are these russian guys like is there money being exchanged i know we're all russian but like first of all he needs to be coming

in that room talking to that head it's now at one point it's severed and in an ice bath he needs to be feeding this head like little fish food or something just like you know when we when we accomplish what they said couldn't be done has to speak telepathically like I know that's what I mean

oh dude he like touches the fucking head and then you just hear like the voiceover narration of them talking to each other even like go like like go blood diner and just his brain in a fucking tub of whatever sure dude or

tub pickles juice conversely werewolves that would be so much better it would have been so much better if it was something about a werewolf army. I know where we're going with it. That's something you don't need to really even explain.

They already did a great werewolf that when the Native American was a last developer. Just bring one of them back. Yes. You know, like, Tombs, bring tombs back. Or get the Luke Wilson vampires back. That's an awesome episode.

Fuck, I totally forgot about that. That would also like... Why not bring anything back? Khan was in TOS and it was in one of the best movies. The Borg was in Next generation, then it was one of the best movies. And that's actually a good thing, like saying like tombs or something like that, like one of the monster of the weak things from the show that doesn't have anything to do with the arc,

but it's still from the show. Something that might actually want Mulder to come out of hiding. Something that would actually like wet his appetite. But that's the thing too is like what Chris Carter had said repeatedly is like, I want this to be a standalone thing. I want to attract new fans with the most boring movie possible. Here's the thing. Nobody has really gone after.

the pedophile audience. That's true. And this is a very, very, very hospitable book at a pedophile. It's pretty pro. Nambla doesn't have a movie they love. But then if they went back and watched the rest of the X-Files on DVD and there's no more characters than they can relate to, what are we doing here?

But they know that they are capable of forgiving pedophiles. So they stick with them. See, if this movie was successful and didn't bomb at the box office, that new season would be like stranger things, but with pedophiles. We have all the pedophiles to do all the psychic work for us in this laboratory.

And then one of the pedophiles gets out and makes friends with some kids. It's 37, you say. Hmm. So he shaves. He's back in the game. We're going around. Scully goes to visit Billy Connolly on her own

to sort of see what's going on, which is one of my, this gives me some of my favorite Billy Connolly lines in this movie. He is the best part of the movie, like sadly. Yeah. It's just like

I'm here to figure out what's going on Oh that's right At one point At one of the scenes he's like Don't give up And she's like What does that mean She goes back

What did it mean He's like Why are you here Other than that you lose me It's like great He really put some fucking sauce On the word load there Oh yeah

But this scene It gets so over the top And the two of them Are screaming at each other And I'm just like I'm not here for this fucking Kramer versus Kramer Melodrama, dude. I'm watching the X-Files.

This is a fucking Paul Schrader movie. Give it a fucking rest with the religion shit. Unless Billy Connolly turns into a bat at the end of this scene, I want nothing to do with it. That would be nice. It's a nice touch. I like that. I like that. Better movie. Catch you next time.

Try and catch me. Yeah, it's right. He just, that, oh, that'll be great. I'm a petophile priest and I'm a bat. Oh, a Catholic like vampire and then Mulder like starts stabbing Scully's colleagues in the chest it's like oh I guess he wasn't a vampire priest vampire same diff can we talk about this I know he's a very cute pedophile but there's in the in one of the crime scenes when they're digging up something

a body like he they are leaving the scene and Billy Connolly is just running forward and nobody's like, hey, maybe somebody like nobody's watching him. Well, he's not under arrest. No, I think he's in a house arrest. Oh, right. Maybe he's got like an ankle call. Oh, right. I totally forget he has to fucking stay there.

You have this special thing. Like, why not have somebody on him constantly? Well, maybe that was like Exhibit's job. Exhibit does a piss poor job this entire movie. Yeah. Cutting to the only action scene in the movie, which happens an hour and seven minutes in. Mulder and Amanda Pete are chasing around Callum Keith Rennie because they like they discover he's in on it or something and like we're driving around the city. There's a bit of a car

chase. That's sort of something. We wind up at a construction site. Exhibit is like, oh, that's right, what you call it. Callum Keith Rennie is an organ transplant guy. Oh, right, right, right. So he's like one of those guys that like flies helicopters and drive stuff around real fast. And like there's a scene where Like, so all this action stuff's having, he's picking up an organ, you think, and he drops his bag. An exhibit is like spending all his time, like, unzipping this thing. Yeah. And I was like, oh, explosion. Come on, exhibit.

Because that's, dude, the opening moments of that first movie where it's just kind of Oklahoma City. Yeah. It's awesome. It's awesome. Oh, that's the thing that they don't have any in this movie. There's no tension. No, nothing. They've never built it up.

There's no excitement. This thing is the most exciting thing that's not really that exciting. And so, like, Exhibit takes the cooler down. Mulder. You're under arrest, cooler. Hold it right there, igloo. Open slowly. Slowly.

And then Mulder and Amanda Peter chasing after Calum Keith Rennie through this construction site. And this is a truly great part of this movie. It is pretty good. Like, they're in like an elevator shaft kind of thing. And she's looking up, like, at a different floor. Like, Mulder, I can't find him. Where is he? She looks back on the floor.

He's right there in front of her, and he pushes her down this elevator shaft, and she gets a fucking Mortal Kombat Bridge fatality. It is a pretty great death. Oh, my God. Best to elevator death since Mission Impossible. Yes. Emilio's, I think, is still number one. Number one with a bullet.

But hot damn, dude, she falls down the shaft. It keeps going. It's like high up. High, high, high. And I'm sitting up in my chair right then going, hot damn, we got ourselves a movie. It's going to be. Yep. We're going to, okay, it was a little snoozy for a while.

Now it's going to hit the ground fucking running and it's going to be nonstop. No. Awesome. No, no, no. It fucking takes a bath and then grabs a towel around his head and then goes to sleep. We go back, yeah, we go back to the pool and meet Canadian Mitch McConnell. Oh, yes. This dude does look like Mitch McConnell.

It's awesome. I hate this movie so much. She does get a pretty cool, like, pipe through the chest. Oh, rebar. Yeah, some rebar, man. That's what you want. fucking... I kind of want to

go down and look at it a little bit and sort of see it go right through. A little bit of a Twitch maybe. Yeah, sure. Then it would make you think that they care about this. She should be like puking of blood right for a second right before she'd go. It'll be something.

It would be something. So yeah, we go to the pool. We discover more information. Mulder... I'm sorry, Scully is not in this movie. Like Mulder's like, hey, Scully, the movie's this way. Right. And she's like, no. I have to talk to this. I have to go to work. I'd love to hang out late tonight, Mulder, but I've got to go to work.

Look, they're trying to reboot ER, and I'm giving it a shot here. Oh, man, Catholic ER. This is happening concurrently with the Scully screaming thing, I think. Screaming? Screaming of Billy Connolly. Oh, right. Because Billy Connolly winds up, like, convulsing and falls down. It turns out he is, like, late-stage lung cancer.

Sure. Another Scully diagnosis. But at least this one has something to do with the case. Dude, she's diagnosing everybody, man. This woman's a fucking genius. So, and yeah, like she's talking to the parents, a bunch of this kid. Like, do you get the surgery? Don't you get the surgery?

The priest is hilarious. I love him so much. Oh, this guy. He's been a bunch of shit. Yeah, he's just great. I don't know. So, like, the last bit of this movie is basically Mulder is chasing down of this, like, in between research,

Googling stem cell research. She's like, oh, it's, yeah, it's this rare chemical. You might want to check that out, Mulder. I am way too busy. I'm swamped over here.

Her research right here is awesome because you see her Google stem cell research and she looks at the screen and then she looks at the legal pad she has on her desk and also then just write stem cell research. She's the world's greatest scientist, man.

Stick with what you know. Wait to you hear about this, Scully. Go find a bug person to a rat. Do not start cutting open kids in a fucking hospital. Come on, there's got to be a witch somewhere in a fucking Oregon high school.

Remember when there was that episode where cockroaches were just killing people for no particular reason? Oh, no of the cockophages? Yeah, yeah, just do that again. That's fucking bone-chilling, dude. I would watch a feature of that. A bunch of snails kill and eat people. Who cares?

Around here, she basically, like her and Mulder have a big blowout they break up that's right and she's basically saying like I'm a doctor now I don't fucking do FBI shit anymore I have not for years even in like those last two seasons she's not

she's doing like more doctor shit you never get out dude it's like the mom she's teaching at like Quantico and whatnot but yeah she gets pulled back in yeah you want to get out you fucking leave it a body bag she says to Mulder though because Mulder's like listen I like weird shit my life is based around

doing weird shit these Catholic kids are weird shit to which Scully says this stubbornness of yours that's why I fell in love with you and I was like nobody's in love stop saying love like the whole thing is it's all

occasionally it's all unspoken dude it's all unspoken because then it's this then we're just in the office and Jim and Pam and together and oh what about Andy and Angela and who's gonna have sex with Ellie Keper this week.

No, it should have just been about office shenanigans. And then Kevin didn't flush. Exactly. Exactly. I just want to see Kevin dropping chili on the floor. That's the show. That's the show. I don't want to watch sad Ed Helms.

Yeah, exactly. So Mulder goes to this vet's office, and this is where he picks up Callum Keith Rennie. Right. And they're driving along. Callum Keith Rennie runs him off the road at this point with his, he's got that plow Clow, man. It's an all-per-prime. Plow truck. And this is bad, man. Walter's borrowed Scully's car.

Oh, that's right. And he's got this flip-and-recks it. He's got this flip phone. So Scully's worried. And we call, because I was, for most of this movie, I was like, you know what? No Skinner, no deal. That was, that's my firm stance about the X-Files. No Skinner, no deal. Yep. And he just kind of shows up for a cameo. I could not believe it.

What the fuck? Dude, Walter Skinner. right there. So Amanda Pete is dead. You know, Scully calls up Exhibit. She's like, we don't know where Mulder is. What are we going to do? Oh, my God. And he's like, I can't help you. That's not the Bureau's problem. And she's like, I want to call somebody with some balls.

And that's goodbye to Exhibit, everybody. That's a wrap on Exhibit. He did nothing this entire movie. Just out of the, like, you've got to kill both of those characters. Yes, exactly. Amanda Pete gets it. Cal and Keith Rennie runs Exhibit off the road maybe into another hay bale. You might not have picked up on it that we didn't talk about her at all.

but, like, yeah, Amanda Pete does freaking nothing. She wears a stupid hat and then she gets pushed down an elevator shaft. She kind of makes Scully jealous. Yep, a tad

and we don't explore that at all. But no, no, she's dead and an exhibit's out of here. I'm sorry I had sex with Amanda Pete, Scully. I have a sex addiction. She had to go, Scully. At least one of them

should have been like used as a backup body for this mad science. Like an exhibit should have been like abducted or something. That would have been something. Cutting off a body. Amanda Pete's arm.

Don't you start talking about steaks. Human steaks? Um, avocado. Calum Pete's Rennies human steaks. Delicious. Then there's a great thing. Great. Well, no.

It's humorous to me to watch. I guess is what I meant by great. But like when Scully decides she's going to get back in the fight, the way she does it is, uh, uh, she decides to play the role of your uncle who inundates you with shit he finds on the internet. because she does more Googling and then she's just printing out

all of these articles about Soviet dog experiments and I was like, no what? Why do we need the pull-downs? Mulder, this one's from the Huffington Post. I've been there, Scully. I've done the same thing. It's like this isn't helping the case.

What are you going to read it in the car? Mulder, here's all these Breitbart articles that I found. Oh, no. Have you heard of Ben Shapiro? So, Skinner shows up. He's like, we're going to take care of,

of this gully don't worry about it mulder wakes up he finds his way to this facility and like it's my favorite part of the whole movie calum keith wrenny is chasing him around this facility there's dogs everywhere we do get this stupid shot of a rotweiler with a fucking fake dog puppet on his shoulder dude this dog knows that he's being humiliated on camera and i feel terrible they decapitated one of the puppets for man's best friend and fucking like taped it duct taped it to this dog. Better movie, by the way. Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, sure. That's it. Oh, my God, Scully. This dog has been merged with a bunch of different animals. This dog pisses ass or. Exactly. Oh, no, a dog deer. Oh, no, a dog bear.

Oh, no, wait. No, that's just a dog dog dog, that's okay. Dog, dog, dude, you know what is a better costume than this dog wearing a second doghead costume? When Homer has to make the Florida costume for least. said it's like two gray mattresses or whatever with like an orange tape to it that falls off absolutely better costume oh man yeah oh i call him gambler but uh so but my first part of this so like this uh you know uh calum keith raney is chasing him around we do get this stupid insert shot of this dog and then like calum keith runy's like where did that moulder go and there's this enormous dog

house and calum keith run is like well a man wouldn't go into a dog house it's like kind of keeps rocking It's a dog house. That's for dogs. He wouldn't go in there. He'd have to pass the dog guards. I'd talk to the dog king. Dude, I missed the shot of Mulder throwing out a hamburger at these dogs. Oh, right.

That would have been great. But then the hot dog links. I was about to say that. He always carries because he's a crazy person living in the woods. Oh, actually, that was the greatest crossover that they ever did was X Files on the Simpsons. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A plus.

The best. Oh, the absolute best. Fox Mulder, FBI. I just thought he could lose some weight. Almost hypnotizing. Like a lava lamp. That's a great episode. It is a great episode.

So Mulder gets hit over the head with whatever the fuck. At this point, the woman that has been abducted is about to get another head transplant. Because the guy, by the way, they keep putting him on these lady bodies. He's just dying. You know what, dude? The science isn't there yet. Or whatever the fuck you're trying to do. Why?

And here's the thing. If we're using people and it's not quite all like put together this procedure. Sure. That means there's some sort of clock running. Like does this dude have a disease? You take us to America? Yes, we do hand transplant on your head. Like we'll do it all the time, I guess.

Well, exactly. What they should be doing is trying to perfect it before they do it on their main dude. Exactly. You know, there should be a bunch of like hitchhikers and vaguely. and just, you know, regular people that are, again, kidnapped and taken to this facility. Right. Yeah, just a bunch of, like, cats with, like, other dead cats' heads.

Well, isn't that sort of what the whole... I made a pigeon with a rat on it. Like, barely taped onto their fur. Isn't that what that whole, they find... The movie Human Centipede is about, yeah, it's mostly about that. They bear, they find, like, that Billy Connolly leads them to that field, and when they start digging everything up, it's like multiple body parts. Yes, they do, yeah.

It froze in, I was a permafrost, but it's just like a bunch of snow. Yeah. But, like, I think that's supposed to be like, here's all the failed attempts at armed and other transplants. But, okay. Again, yeah, we don't get that scene where we say what's going on. I want it to be, we're trying to make an army of Frankensteins. Yeah, sure. How about that?

That's a thing. And it's like, the X-Files has done super-soldiership before. But they also try to, like, suggest it's kind of a love story between these two men. And that's the problem. Right. And if they did the super-soldier thing, they could. be like the way to take down America is insurrection from within

you know and then you have this undead army then you would get some competent mad scientists maybe it's a thing actually it's not a love thing maybe it's like he wants to make like a lady out of all these different parts and shit army of Frankenhookers dude sure that movie Frankenhooker it certainly

was a movie Frankenhooker is a better movie than X-Files I want to believe without a doubt totally every Frank Hanenlater movie is better than this movie. Oh, basket case is a fucking masterpiece next to this. So Brad Durf couldn't be the mad scientist

because he was in X-Files, right? So, I mean, you could have brought him back. No one would have cared. If you could get anyone to play this mad scientist and it would have been something. Also, people people have played multiple roles on television shows a ton. Why not just bring back an actor that was competent on the show? Get Richard E. Grant in there? You know, who

was a fucking excellent, he was an excellent episode of the X-Files, and he was like, not quite super famous as he is now. Brian Cranston. Yeah. That's an exciting fucking episode of television. I'll tell you that much. It totally is. The best one for me is Tony Shaloup.

Tony Shalub. I just watched that episode. What's Shalob? Shalubon? His shadow is a black hole. Oh, fuck. I forgot about that one. That one's amazing. There are cool ideas. Anyway, so Muldon gets over the head. He's about to get and it's amazing. Like this guy, Callum Keith Rennie is doing all this other business before

he cuts off Mulder's head. He's got this Big axe. He's like, well, let me dismember this body. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Get to it. Fucking figure it out. Before he does it, uh, Scully hits him over the head. And it's nice that he, she says him, but who could care? Uh, and that Skinner is also floating around right here. Yes. They're trying to find something. There is a terrible Walter Skinner line where they're like, where's the blah, blah, blah. And Scully's like, I don't know. And Skinner goes, well, I'll try to Google it. God damn it. He got this enormous iPhone from 2008. 87 minutes. I timed it.

That's the first Walter Skinner appearance. Bull shit. No thank you. No thank you. Why bother? Yeah. If I was the actor, I would have been, yeah. If I was Mitch Pellegi, you, fuck you. Put me in this movie. It's a check. Big screen, my friend. I'll take it.

Yeah, I guess that's true. So she knocks him out and then they go to inside the facility where this thing is going on. Pellegger, Skinner is like, everybody stop what they're doing and then at this point you see the sad head in a bucket of ice go meat mop and also the Russian scientist has already like started

carving into this woman's neck and the guy is like hey man I know you're walking in on this it looks really fucked up you're not wrong but I kind of just started cutting this woman's head off and I'd really like to finish that before everything goes south here

I don't want to hit pause on cutting this woman's head off look look you're right you're right You're right. No, no, no, you're right. But just let me finish this. So I guess the dude with the cutoff head just dies. Yes, he just dies. And the woman, I think, lives maybe. I don't know that they address it.

I think she does. Does she? Who cares? It just goes to the next day. I have no idea. Like, I mean, they really started cutting into that head. So I don't know, man. Scully puts a blanket over Mulder and the movie is practically over.

Totally. It's like we cut to a few days later or something. all he comes back to Mulder's compound and says that Father Joe has passed away. Mulder does not care. But this is, and there's a big... Well, no, Molder does kind of care. Yeah, because he starts saying that it's like

an injustice to the guy's name because they were, they smeared him for something? No, the F, yeah, the FBI is covering up the whole thing and saying that Father Joe was involved in the murders. Which he probably was. Like, are you shitting me that this guy was a real psychic? Like, what? He's connected to the...

I don't believe it for a second. I think he was like this like weird... He's a monster! He's bait for the FBI to not investigate this. You're more of a Scully than a molder, dude. Today I am. With bad movies I am. More of a doggot than a Reyes. But that's a thing too.

To Eric's point, like in all X-Files things, it's never ambiguous. It's always like you show the guy turn into a bug, but Scully doesn't see it. So at the end, she's like, he didn't turn into a bug. And that's the whole fucking. and show, but we the audience know he turned into a bug. In the last shot, you see the lock and this monster come out for real. And you need to prove to me that Billy Connolly's a psychic. You know what I mean?

Yep. Yes. Somehow. Like, he's bleeding from the eyes and all that shit. Like, do something. Do more than that. And because if that's, by the way, if that is the one X-Filesy element in your movie, that's what the movie's got to be about, I guess.

Yeah. Because you didn't give me a werewolf's motherfucker. And, like, Scully cannot get off it with what did he mean by saying, give up. And she also, like, and this is their big impassioned speech, is like, well, I still believe and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, well, I'm still a skeptic. We make it work, though. But that's what's so fucking stupid,

and it goes against how the show ended, because the end of like the seventh season, when David Dukovny left the show, like, the whole thing is like Scully sees him get abducted by aliens. Like, it happens, she sees it, and the start of season eight is like she's not a skeptic anymore

as this new cast comes in or whatever. And the movie, like, kind of just glosses over that? Oh, sure. And it's like, but Mulder, I'm a doctor. It's like, no, you fucking believed me. Wouldn't you just like break from logic at that point? Wouldn't you also go Teddy Kanziski? No, you become

a very specialized medical doctor. Highly specialized medical. People kill for this job. You would detach from reality. I'm sorry. This is no, no, no, no, no, no. I agree with you, Chris. I'm like one bad day away from this. And so we should be hitting

fucking credits here, but instead it's Back to the hospital where, like, Mulder is like, listen, do you want to do this surgery? This whole experimental surgery thing, it's a three-part huge surgery. She has done the first part. The parents are like, listen, I don't really know if we want to keep putting our kid through this. You know, Viacondios, dude. But Scully, like, sells him on it, like a fucking bad car. You know, and she's like, but what if I did this surgery?

And they're like, well, say. So she goes into the operating room. Mulder is like, listen, whatever you decide to do here. come back from the surgery. Do it. Don't do it. We can take off. We can go into hiding or whatever. She goes to this hospital and it's like, is she going to do it? Is she not? There are these nuns taunting her from like right outside the door? And it's like, Dr. Scully, are you ready? Pause. Pause. Way too long of a pause. Yes. Yes. Let's do it. And it's like, okay. It was her medical journey. The X-Files movie was her journey. What the fuck. And the show is already a. addressed her, like, crises with her faith. It's been done on the show. But also the best, so it's this really stoic, like, yes, I will do this surgery ending.

And then, like, the rock music starts and this fucking credit sequence is, this is the most, been the most stoic, boring, full of itself movie that I've ever fucking seen in my entire life. Oh, yeah. First credit, picture of Chris Carter. And I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? It's the best part of this movie. It is. Everything picks up. It's visually interesting.

There's stuff going on. The credits smash through a sheet of ice. Yeah. I mean, for once, I sincerely mean the end credits is the best part because it's the most cinematic. And they're basically showing everyone who worked on the movie. Like whenever a credit shows up, you show the guy. It's a bowling team. It's like lethal weapon for.

It's exactly likely the weapon for. Dude, they should have used that cover of Why Can't We Be Friends? And it's just, we go through... That was the original version. Yeah, I think it's the original. We go through the whole damn thing. We see all the people who ever worked at this movie.

Dedicated to Randy Stone, the casting director who cast both of them in the TV show. RIP, it's sad. Totally. D. RAPD. Daddy didn't have to see this fucking thing. And the last shot is... X-Files meets RIPD.

Oh, that would be great. Sure. It's like, oh, wait, Scully. It looks like they're actually licensed to do this. No crime is being committed. What were you saying, Steve? The last shot of the entire stupid credits. All the credits go up.

We're in the water somehow. Oh, my God. And it's a boat. I had no idea what this was. I watched this in the end credits. I had to text to you guys this morning to find out what it was. We left the theater before this came up. I had never seen this as a last night.

Angrily. Yeah, I was pissed. And it's them in a boat. A row boat. A row boat. And they're just in some Caribbean, whatever the fuck. They're going to an island. And they wave to the camera.

And these are CGI characters. They look like Sims. These are not the actors. Which is why I didn't know what was happening. I was like, is that the girl from the thing? Yeah. Like what? Yeah, it's just like,

no, there's some line in the fucking movie. where like where would you most like to go and like off to an island all by yourself type of thing and I'm like who I'm getting over you fucking you know giving sainthood to a pedophile like I didn't think about your little fucking line about where you'd like to be and I didn't sign up for Sims also put him in a boat come up put him in a boat it's just outrageous this is a summer movie by the way July 25th release what a fucking duktastrophe this movie it followed the dark night so

oh did it really yeah instantly tanked oh my god don't worry heath ledger we're going to knock your last dead performance off with our excellent movie if i i would bury this if i was fox i would fucking find a hole to put it in this should have gone this should have been a television movie

and they made such a big deal out of this they did money that they spent advertising this movie and they made a big fucking deal about the premiere i was excited I was so excited going to the movie theater. I was just a casual X-File viewer, and I was like, yeah, we're going to that X-File movie.

That first movie is so good. It's an awesome movie. It's really good. You got Martin, that thing is you got to get Martin fucking Landau in there. Sure. Class it up. A little gravy toss. You got to go a little bit higher than Battlestar Galactica.

As much as I love Battlestar Galactica. Got to go a little higher than Boondock Saints. Yeah, it's a little higher. And if you're going to go Battlestar, God, Edward James Olmos. That's what the way to do it is. You're fucking off the case Oh dude He's the director of the FBI

I'm gonna fucking put you in a box Yeah dude that'd be amazing Dude I am terrified of Edward James almost I wouldn't even want to see him in the street Oh dude absolutely I admire the man to all hell He's an excellent actor but I'm fucking scared of him He's fantastic

It shows you how great of any actor Of an actor he is though dude Because I have heard a firsthand account That he's one of the sweetest people Oh of course But my bones get chilled. I like to think of him more warmly, like, and I'm still here, like, as the sage, like,

I'll sit you down, talk you through life. Oh, sure. You're done with that. Oh, Jesus Christ. The salt. Are you done? So that is the end of this fucking trash. Would anybody recommend it?

Not on your life. Honestly, it is one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen in my life. It gives you nothing. nothing to work nothing you want to see in a movie or be a movie based on a property the property it's it's a well-established property it's got a formula it's got a bone structure yep just do the thing it's got such a rich history you could have pulled from anything nine seasons and a previously made feature film and again you don't have to do the whole alien shit i get it maybe that's tired or you're tired of telling that story i don't care do anything else fucking robots i don't care it was right to there. Werewolves. It was right there. Reptilians, any time. Oh, yeah, man. They needed a new script and a new director. They needed everything. Chris Carter, no. This is a fucking catastrophe.

Yeah. Like, it really is. I don't know how to explain it to you. And like, Lord knows we tried here today. And like, honestly, if you think about it, the whole thing is fucking, God, fucking Scully being put in her place by a pedophile. That's the whole fucking arc of the damn thing and like honestly fuck it fuck it to hell yeah I would also say fuck it I think this is one of the worst movies we've done on the show

because it's it's self serious and it's stupid and it's bad and I just hate it and it had everything lined up for it. It just shouldn't have been this hard no like you could have made this movie and it could have been like it's kind of bad but at least it was an X-Files thing like

that's what I think about these two like new seasons 10 I don't really like 11 I thought most of it was actually okay I haven't finished like the last two because I kind of don't want it to end like a nerd But like those you can look at And they're like it's not amazing But it's something

Yeah And this yeah it can fuck right off I am like The biggest X-Files fan This is embarrassing They all know it They all know it's trash It's just disgusting

What a supreme disappointment Just get away from Carter Like he's got to stop It's drumming up all this shit I felt 10 years ago. It's a decades worth of being pissed off about this movie. Can I also say that I was like, wait, that's 10 years old?

I thought this came out like a week ago. We're getting to that age, guys. You were like working in 2008. I was working. Yeah, we'll be dead soon too. Yeah, I can't wait. That's the X-Files I want to believe from 2008, directed unfortunately

by Chris Carter. If you would like more we hate movies, check out WHM podcast.com. Find us over on the headgum network or check out our Patreon.com slash we hate movies. There is a shit ton of extra content you may not know about. Speaking of science fiction television shows at our $8 level, we have another podcast we do called The Nexus,

where we review an episode of TNG and TOS back to back. And that comes out once a month. And we also... I'm sorry, I've also heard that you don't have to like Star Trek to like that show. No, not at all. For an example, just listen to any of the Star Trek movies we covered on this show previously. And for fans of Sighter. If I trash, I mean, we did a commentary on the Cloverfield Paradox.

That's right. Man, you know what? The Cloverfield Paradox is a better movie than this. Absolutely. That movie sucks. This month, if you signed up this month at that level, you'll unlock 21 episodes of the Nexus. Oh, fuck. You'll unlock how many commentaries, four or five?

About six, I want to say. Oh, my Lord. Something like that, yeah. So, you know, you know what? Don't take my word for it. Go to patreon.com slash we hate movies and check it out for yourself. There you go. We all hate movies at gmail.com.

Did you get burned by this in the theater like I did? I want to hear about it. I want to hear and read about your pain. Real rage, people. And then so next week, we're going back to a familiar kind of movie. Who wants to admit to the world what we're talking about next week? Oh, hey, cool. It's Larry the Cable Guy in Whiteless Protection.

Oh, geez. God, this one really, really. really sucks, man. I got to tell you. The two towers of fucking Larry the cable guy movies. Oh, shit, man. He's like fucking voyaging across

what was, Middle Earth. Oh, hey, cool. It's a wizard. Middle America. So until next week, where Larry the cable guys strolls back into town.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric X. Fileska. Take it easy. All right. That was a hitcombe, that was a hit gum podcast.