We Hate Movies - S8 Ep358: Episode 358 - Witless Protection

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang goes back to Larry Country to chat about the most movie-ish of Larry the Cable Guy movies, Witless Protection! How in the world does Larry keep a job in law enforcement? How does he not realize he's straight-up kidnapping this woman? And how did a scene like this motel catastrophe make it into this shitty movie? PLUS: Detective Cable Guy — it's like if Sherlock Holmes constantly shit his pants! Witless Protection stars Dan Whitney, Jenny McCarthy, Ivana Milicevic, Gerry Bednob and Yaphet Kotto; directed by Charles Robert Carner.  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, Larry the Cable Guy farts his way back out of the show. It's witless protection. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sade Act. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Big-tated, quick witty. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This week on the show, it's Wittless Protection from 2008, directed by the genius author Charles Robert Carter. I kind of think that this dude isn't real, and it's just Larry the cable guy.

well that means that means i like larry the cable guy now because this guy somehow even though this movie's terrible and he's directing a bunch of other garbage right now yes he wrote jim kata and blind fury both previous episodes i think those episodes are now available on our patreon back archive i believe they were both recommends for the most part of course those are great those are great movies yeah what are you fucking crazy well i'm just saying get ready for a surprise with this one what was the last time we talked about Larry on this show it was only one other

we only did uh no we did health inspector and then we did tooth fairy too we did do health inspector we did do health inspector was the last one I think and then four years ago we did jingle all the way two oh wow

is coming to town oh weird I completely forgot that there's literally I mean the scary part about this guys there's only one Larry left and I don't know when we're going to do it I don't it's not on schedule which one is it Delta Fars. Delta Fars.

Oh, that's the one where they think they're in Iraq. I mean, we've just been, like, holding on to that one. Like, I don't want to give it up yet. Well, until we cover Delta Fars, I think this is the most politically driven Larry the Cable guy. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. If you wanted to, like, you're putting together, Andrew, you work at Jacob Burns. You're putting out a program that is like, this is the aughts.

It's there will be blood, no country for old men, Mulholland Drive, and this. This summarizes the whole. whole fucking thing. Man, it was a real time travel experiment. It's 2000 and late, man. It came out in 2008 and you could feel every inch of it. Everyone was excited that the Bush presidency was ending except for this movie. Literally, this is the one movie where it's like, there's so many stops to be like,

nobody says it, but everyone, every couple of seconds, just like, thank you, President Burge. You know what, President Burge, that Katrina wasn't your fault. That was not, you know what, President Bush? That was not your fault. That 9-11, that wasn't your fault neither. It's perfect because the whole point of this movie, we'll get to this, is he is the big, he knows he's also the biggest idiot in the world. And yet he is always right.

Yep. On everything. Because maybe he's not as much of an idiot as you or he thinks he is. Right? You know, dumb like a fox. It's weird. That's a new thing for a Larry the Cable guy. It's like if Sherlock Holmes constantly shit is.

his pants. What is what this guy? This guy needs to be on medication. He's probably like secretly lactose intolerant and he's not taken care of it. No, no. You should not be farting or shitting nearly this month. That's the thing. And I said this is a flatulent man.

No. I'm not, I'm not in a glass house here. He just thinks that that's, because it's been happening so long and for so, so, such a frequent amount of time that he just thinks that's how life is to be lived. No.

And he's like, well, I eat the pizza and then 20 minutes later I'd shit it out. Well, I don't even think you would need to hear him say a thing. Once you've got to look at this Ted Kaczynski mansion, he's living in here. Oh, yeah, man. This place, like, holy shit. It's not bad. I got to tell you, it looked like a pretty sweet bungalow.

Of all the Larry the Cable Guy movies we've covered so far, this is the best domicile he's inhabited. It's missing 48 guns, but, uh, there's a gun rack. There's a gun, but are the guns in it. Yes, there are. Oh, there are. Oh, there are. Here's the thing. This movie is, uh, the,

most like a movie of all the Larry movies we've done thus far, I think. Yeah. Like it's got a three-act structure. Yeah. Kind of sort of, he actually learns a thing at the end, sort of again. And to this movie's credits, it is like rapid

fire jokes. This is a very jockey movie. They're not good jokes. They're terrible. Terrible jokes. It is a loaded script, though. Yeah. It's a very familiar, like, there's a bunch of movies like this. Starman

is this essentially, as is it happened one night. Like, these are very similar. This is really a Tommy Boy a bit. Yes, also Tommy Boy. The naked gun. There's literally a naked gun joke that is taken and reused in this movie where I forget

if it's the main girl or Jenny McCarthy, I think it's the main girl. What's her name? What's the character name? Bila Bovovich. No, they're calling her Madeline. Madeline is the character. So Madeline has like a taxidermied beaver, and And he says, oh, nice beaver, and it's just word for word. We're taking it right out of the naked gun.

No, you're talking about Jenny McCarthy's character. Okay. She's got a nice beaver as well. Yes, there's a beaver joke there. Isn't that when they go to the surprise her? Yes, I think you're right. But it's still like. The great yeahficoto in this fucking movie.

What a fucking Duke catastrophe. And he's done like nothing else since. This is like his last film role. Oh, no, really? He did like a television appearance after. Okay. He's going to definitely get far-in-ed at the Oscars. I love the man. Love the man. We'll be far-in-ed. Absolutely.

You heard of here first. This Larry the Cable Guy character, by the way, I think is the perfect example of all of these, because of how we see this due to the beginning of the movie, he's definitely the perfect example of all of these Rambo gunfucker

lunatics that think that they can like single-handedly disarm a mass shooter because they got training? Like, that's, We open on him watching like a self-defense video. Of course, I of the Tiger is playing. We open in the middle of another movie. Like, this is like not the beginning of a movie.

It's a training of montage because he's got to go take down whoever the fuck. Yes, I'm like, what happened? Whoever the fuck is just any random private citizen he doesn't like or looks at him cross. And he's running this gauntlet, this fucking machine that he's built full of plungers and other Mario-esque things to dodge and block and fight. Yeah, he's like, he's like, you know, beefing up his reflexes. Yeah, and the effigy, the effigy that he's fighting is winning. I will do your, uh, I will do your Mario, uh, reboot, but he's got to be called Larry because I ain't playing Italian out there. You know, Larry O, the, the, Super Larry brothers. Oh my God, you. Also, though. If it was Jeff Foxworthy, that would

actually be pretty good. Oh, not in good being whatever, but Jeff Foxworthy is like the Luigi. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I could see this. I'm Larry, Larry. He's Jeff Larry. Yep. Oh, I can see this coming together real nice. If I'm going down a pipe, I better be coming out of the mushroom kingdom. Also, though, did you guys notice this weird detail? Like, so he's doing this all in his, like, back deck and his lawn and whatnot. There is definitely just a creepy, armless mannequin there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's not like a fighting buddy training mannequin. It's just a department store mannequin. I think the arms are cut off so she can't fight back. He just saw a maniac.

He got some new ideas. He's ready to go. Hey, cool. I'm going to fuck this mannequin. Only reason I'll ever go to New York City. It cuts my dick, but it fucked pretty good. Man, this guy is a disgrace to law enforcement. So he is like a cop.

He's like a sheriff's deputy. Yeah. In this town, the sheriff is about 105. years old. That's a joke. That's a joke. It's an absolute joke. And we see Larry is called in on an assignment and we get the feel of what crime is like in this town or what the police department handles in this town. And what it is is a hostage situation with a horse fucker. Oh, okay. And we are like under five minutes in this movie making horse fucking jokes. You know what? That's awfully crude. This is a horse husband and he has a horse wife. But no, is that actually the zoo expert is weighing in. Please. crime that's being committed or is that like the joke between the two characters? It's the joke between the two characters. The crime is this guy, there's a hostage situation in this barn and he's like, oh Larry, I'm going to shoot this horse because it threw me

for the last time. And it's this thing where like Larry the cable guy, total American hero, places his firearm off to the side, says he's going to just go in, talk this guy down. And that's exactly what he does because he's the best. He's a fucking moron. and he's the best. It just made me think of Larry the cable guy in the negotiator

and how much I want that like yesterday. I'm not going to jail today. Or how about Larry the cable guy in a lethal weapon? Oh, you want to get nuts. That's going to handcuff you to me and we're going to jump off this building.

Oh, man. And then the person he's handcuffed to hits the crash pad and Larry just eats pavement. It's just liquid Larry. Oh, my God. That is the new. movie I need is Liquid Larry, where he

dies in the first six minutes, and he's just a puddle of goop. The secret world of Larry, the cable guy. So that is this like 80 minutes on the puddle and credits? No, I think the puddle becomes like a sentient CGI blob. He's just going around. Much like T-1000. Yeah, he's like

liquid metal almost, but it's just liquid chicken fat. Schmaltz. Well, we can't go in there. The door is locked. Well, I can get in there. I'll get on under the door crack. Yeah, I hope it's not an ass crack. Sklick. Oh, that's funny.

See, that's what you're right to tell. Is your name, John Connor? Call to John now. Yeah, oh, yeah. Why don't you just come home, John? Hey, have y'all seen this boy? And now I'm flying a helicopter. Hey, Gould.

Do you see this hole in? in my face. Oh, hey cool, I'm melting. He's proficient with knives and farting weapons. He's in the fucking, he's in the fucking lava, and he said, K-Kew, hey-kew, hey-koo, he's morphing at all the farts he was throughout the movie. How I'm all the squeakers at once. So, yeah, he solves this, by the way, with candy that he has handy.

Dude, you're giving candy, my friend. Dude, you are giving chocolate peanut butter cups to a horse. I hope that horse is wearing a diaper. The worm just doesn't have dye. I don't know if you're just giving, like, fucking recess to horses. I'm not sure how that works. Actually, that's the best situation is the horse just furiously shits all over the barn. Yeah, because realistically, it's probably going to drop dead.

And he's like, he's, like, chastising this old man, because I guess, like, the dude put the saddle on and he didn't notice there was some like burrs stuck on it so the horse was like throwing him off like hey motherfucker this hurts he's like hey you got a check for birds you stupid fuck here you go here's chocolate for a horse I'm a genius

hey horse you want McDonald's or hey me and this horse are going to split this dominoes hey excuse me mr dominoes my horse stepped on my dominoes can I get another one hey cool yeah I don't

this is a six time this month. I'm on Domino's welfare. I'm going to have to kill this horse. I'm not getting ham and pineapple. God damn it. So after this like afternoon of crime fighting, he goes to the local diner where he meets somehow.

And this is Larry the Cable Guy trope in all these movies. Somehow his lady friend is Jenny McCarthy. In a wig, by the way. What is this Halloween store wig? She's wearing this movie. I don't get it, dude. It looks god-awful.

It looks really bad. It's cheap as fuck. Whatever haircut she had, she's in two, like, three scenes. Whatever haircut she showed her up with that day, that's her hair. Because nobody gives his shit. No, why's not? Well, the script called for you to have long Auburn locks. Does Madeline have blonde hair?

She does. So, yeah, I guess that's the thing. Hey, if there's two women, we ain't going to be able to tell difference. That's a good point, Chris, because it's like, Larry wants the blonde, right? That's what culture says is better. Yes. And as Chris Cabin threw in right before the start of the theme song, he refers to Jenny McCarthy as, what was it?

And that's how I lack them big kidded and quick waiting. Oh, yeah. That's when he's like hanging out with the cast of gummo having a couple of milkshakes or whatever the fuck's going on. I don't know what these dudes are all jerking each other off. Yes. And when they're not doing that, they're jerking off and watching each other jerks. Is that how that work?

Because later in the movie, Larry the cable guy calls these dudes in for help and the dude answers the phone, Clubhouse. Yeah. Oh, you got a Clubhouse, 50-year-old man? Don't start, yeah, don't make it a semi-circle. I'll be right over. And this Clubhouse is like out of a Von Trier movie.

Early Von Trier movie. Well, this guy is lighting a fart for no one. Like, no one's there. He's lighting a fart for himself. God damn it. What, you're complaining about a man? who knows how to entertain himself doesn't get bored so easily Steve lighting a fart party of one exactly that is that's a two-man job someone's got to be like hey cool or give me the devil ears

you know but to Andrew's point at least one of them should have like bunny ear hat I need another person to put this on YouTube exactly it's ain't gonna film itself I've never lit a let a fart on fire neither of I never did I've never witnessed one either I've not either I I think I've seen some ones go awry or just not come to pass. You have. Yeah, like, you know, it's like, oh, watch this and nothing happened, you know. I think I saw a YouTube video where, like, a dude tried to do it and he burned his ass off. That's what stopped.

Yeah, that's what stopped me. Jesus. I'm all for a laugh, you know, I'm desperate for a laugh. That's like one of those videos when it's like someone's doing a mortar. What do they call those? Mortars, those bombs that drop in the thing? Yes. And then it just blows them up.

Oh, yeah. I've seen those videos. Oh, nice. It was called The News in 2007 Epic Fails Speaking of Epic Fails Who has killed more children

than Jenny McCarthy That's a great question I mean probably a couple of people But this whole like anti-vaxxer thing She's got some kid ghosts on her hands The Catholic Church Yeah Hitler, Stalin, maybe that's it

And the church Paul Pot She's second tier She's not first tier Second tier to Pol Pot? I think so, yeah. Yeah, like you see some child serial killer? Oh, nothing on Jenny McCarthy.

Oh, no, no, no. She kills classrooms, motherfucker, with her ignorance. Like, drop that shit. There's got to be hundreds, right? Yeah, yeah. It would have it somewhere in there. Also, though, we're working off the assumption that someone hears her talk and then goes, you know what, Jenny McCarthy's got a point.

But also, like, babies that get vaccinated or don't get vaccinated rather, and then die. I mean, they're not really people yet. what do you get that's like six like you when you know your social security number that's when you become a person to be oh so when I was applying for college yes you say that about people not but I will say I was on a plane very recently

with Jenny McCarthy and her betrothed Donnie Walberg oh that's right well a celebrity here we go page six one of the guys Chris Cabin's in first class I have yes I'm swigin champagne just shitting right there so that

and they clean it up for me Oh, really? Yeah, it's a real, it's beautiful. But one of the guys, like, was awestruck by Donnie Wahlberg and Jim McCarthy. Someone you know? No, the guy working the, the flight attendant, yes. Was starstruck by the suit? Starstruck, would not stop talking to him.

I mean, I guess. Wait, about what? About their work. Wallbergers? What, wait, wait, wait, work? Like, blue blood, isn't he out blue blood? That's what I think they were talking about. And singled out?

Or Playboy calendars? I mean, I'm sure there's like some C-grade anti-vaxxer comedy that I would never want to see. Or witless protection. Yes. And it's probably in that vein. I'm shocked no one stormed the cockpit. So yeah, she's like his, and this is the thing about Jenny McCarthy being Larry's girlfriend. She needs to, that's like the end goal.

It should be like she goes through a whole thing with Larry learns a couple of lessons. and wow, now I don't see this guy as a giant baby with a fucking hat on his head. Right. I see him as a sexual apartment. But it starts with her being fawning over him and he's like, nah. That would put tension in this movie.

Oh, right. Oh, there was some tension when I was watching this movie, man. Like how are you going to survive the next fucking 96 minutes? Dude, it was how long I could go before I turned my wrist back up and looked at my watch. It was a game I started. I thought you're going to say slit it, man. No, that was next.

If this movie was over 96 minutes, thankfully it is not, I could have ended my life. This was a painful watch. Oh, my God. I do want, I need to point out, like, there's no way we're going to get to all the lines. No, it's impossible. There's just too much. It's a deluge.

It's joke filled. It's joke filled. Because the first one, and I thought this was the height of it, and I had so much worse to go. But I thought the, what were you doing? and Larry were you on IntimateCousins.com

Oh, sick joke, dude. But then doesn't he... Do you think they brought in Jeff Foxworthy to write that joke? He did a polish on the script, maybe? No, no. I really firmly feel that he doesn't want, fuck all to do with this.

Also, you need to get somebody with real experience in this, so you have to get like a Giuliani in here. What? Giuliani was married to his cousin. Oh, that's true, yeah. Just don't tell Aunt Patricia about it.

I didn't know that. that it was like his second cousin was his first wife it's pretty close awesome keeping it in the family all the time oh you wow are you are you're in a minute i'm awestruck yeah this is like if i saw jane this is on john oliverless well i have to tell you i'm pretty sure that the president of the criminal i mean it's my first day what a fucking moron what a fucking close to death moron that guy is. Welcome to Shelbyville. It's like how this is

what his legacy's going to be. All these people are hitching their stars to this fucking sinking ship. It's ridiculous. It's kind, I mean, it sucks, but it's kind of great to watch.

I also heard that like he was like when they were considering him for like, I don't know, one of these cabinet positions. He kept on like falling asleep and drooling on himself in the briefings. Like he's got like, he's an old fucking man.

Get him out of there. You know who's smooth. you know who's got a good head on his shoulders. Rudy. Where is Rudy? Oh, he's in front of me. Okay. What do you remember more? 9-11 or Rudy?

Well, I remember Rudy. Now that Rudy's fallen asleep, we're going to circumvent that and Larry the cable guy is going to be the attorney general. He's going to say, Secretary of Agriculture, Larry the cable guy. That sounds just about right. Well, we have to remember, though.

Is there a secretary of natural gas? Thank you. we have to remember though that he would have to be secretary dan whitney of course just hello there i'm dan whitney how's it going i am from nebraska dan we're going to make it up to you for having to use your real name okay you get to order 34,000 dollars of dining room furniture so um hey cool i don't have to use no paper plates no more i'm shitting on a cresenda whatever that is so there's They're, like, kind of going back and forth. Jenny McCarthy, like, works at the diner.

She goes away. She's kind of, like, she does list off a couple of times that Larry, like, took it too far with the law enforcement kind of a thing. Yeah. Oh, God, this. And there's something about, like, Larry, remember when you broke up that immigrant ring, but it was just the Sanchez family reunion? It's like, so that's the joke.

And then you got to toss a little extra fucking English on that ball. and it's mayor Sanchez certainly was upset about that and I'm like wow two jokes in one line hey I just saw some people of brown skin and I started busting heads hey I'm a cop hey cool

he's a cop that wants to like part of this like arc I guess is he wants to become an FBI agent oh wow good luck go ahead buddy now I'm just imagining the fucking opening sequence of a sequence of silence of the lambs

but you replaced Jody Foster with Larry the cable guy and he's trying to do the obstacle of course at Quantico. Here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here. Cable guy. Jack Crawford wants to see you in his office now. Hey, cool, I'm going all the way to the top. Now, uh,

now, don't get too upset, cable guy. When I, when I talked over you in that meeting, it was just to, it was just to show the guys what it was like, yeah, but they, look up to you man it's not because you're a country bumpkin it started as a bad joke in

Mississippi PD they said this one likes to skin his humps I started picturing like Larry the cable guy in like Twin Peaks like Larry Coop's gone missing we need you down in Buckhorn South Dakota that would work if it was him

and Andy that would be a show oh my God him and Andy wow Hey cool I'll get right there Gordon I like saying the name Gordon It makes me think of fish sticks Then you got him Because he has to play Larry the Cable Guy And he has to play Dan Whitney

Both in the same book Oh, right Yes And the Black Lodge is Dan Whitney I encountered my other self And what looked back Terrified me to my core I

Kee-oh You know what the best version of Larry the cable guy is a tree with a fucking brain in it. That's what I was. That's the final form. A tree with a bucket of chicken on it. So, but not

by the way, not only is Jenny McCarthy his girlfriend, that he's kind of I'll get out of here, boys' club. She is so hungry for this dude's dick. It's disgusting. Right in the middle of this diner. She's like, I need it, Larry. Larry, I need it. Hey, come on, get out of here, Jenny McCarthy.

By the way, give me another milkshake. And it's like, yes, I know you're surrounded by obese men in this diner, but Larry's like the most obese. Yes. He is looking particularly fat in this movie. Did you know, like the beer gut in this movie versus like the beer gut in Jingle all the way too? Yeah. Where it's like, it's almost like cut in half. Like I think this was, this was a tough time for Larry.

Larry the cable guy got like stung by a bunch of bees and that this is. And then I ate those bees because I thought honey was inside of it. There's one extremely gross scene we'll get to where you really can tell that it has gotten out of control. Oh, no, I'm Winnie the Pooh. Actual poo. Oh, I don't got to wear a pinch no more. Oh, bother.

That's a great casting, by the way. Larry the cable guy is Winnie the Pooh. No pants. Just dangling, dude. Oh, fuck, man. And he knows it. My rod and tackle. Ron White can be the donkey.

Oh, definitely. I like the way this is gone. Bill Engvell is the rabbit and of course Jeff Foxworthy is Tigger right yeah that all checks out

that all checks out and our national shame is Christopher Robin so a caravan of cars comes by and out comes Yafat Koto and this woman

Melo Madeline? Madeline is the character's name this woman was in Casino Royale I think you said Steve she's in a hundred things she's a bond girl if you want to call her that

if you can't afford Ramila Jovovich, please. She was also, she played a Riley's wife in that one episode when he comes back in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I believe that's season six. Yeah. Just nobody, nobody remembers it. Riley? That's the dude. Oh, the military

guy? Yeah. Oh. Then he's like doing better. He's got a wife. That's her. That's it. Wow. I really did not remember that. Wow. How about everyone at home? A couple people at home probably got it. Hey, cool. Buffet the Vampire Slayer Marathon. Elana Milsevich.

Ivana Milsevich, I think, is the idea here. Or no, here we have the, how to pronounce it on IMDB. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Mili Cheevich. Ivana Mili Cheevich is this woman. She was in just like heaven running scared paycheck. Ooh, that's a state two to half.

That last name sounds exactly like Milo Jovovovich. You're totally right, though. You're totally right. I think they're just the same person. Milojovich is in the Black Lodge. This woman's out. She goes in to use the restroom. Yeah, Fekoto's kind of like looking out for her.

And then Larry gets this idea like, oh my God, this woman's kidnapped, I think. And it's this weird. He's like, oh, my God, black SUVs. Know who drives black SUVs? Drug dealers, terrorists, all around, criminals. And this is the problem. It's like you're in this fucking, you're in this bullshit town and you just want to do something and the sheriff is going to start fucking with you. Oh, yeah.

That's why Larry's going to make a great sheriff of this death. Larry, like the whole impetus of this story is like, y'all ain't from around here, now are you? Yeah, yeah. It really is. It's disturbing. Just don't you drive a black suburban in my town? Get out of here, terrorists. Take your 9-11 car and get out.

Hey there, John Rambo. Keep walking. Exactly. Get out of my town. Hey, let's go kill those two motorcycle guys. Call himself. Captain America, I'll show him. Hey, cool, now in death they can realize

that's the only true freedom. Hey, a guy from my gun club's going to make a sequel to that movie. Hey, cool. He's in my gun club. He's also my personal attorney. But she goes in the bathroom, Yafikoto, goes to get a cup of coffee. There's this really weird exchange where he's like, hey, honey, can I get some coffee?

You know, and he's being a little bit, what are you going to call their misogynist? Or like, a little bit, a little bit too familiar with the help. And she's like, black. What do you want it? Black? She goes, she goes, black, honey. Yeah. And I was like, and Yafakota was like, look, man, I know I was kind of wrong, but that was racist.

You know what, man? Yeah, exactly. It's like one wrong plus one super racist remark does not make a right. Not in this movie, my friend. Oh, man. I just can't even talking about Bond movies. Poor Yafet Kodo. Blue collar.

Like, I just watched Blue Collar again. The Paul Schrader movie, it's fucking great. Amazing. He's an alien, man. Oh, yeah. Harry Died Stanton. The Running Man? Mm-hmm.

Oh, right. Right? Previous episode? I kind of always wanted a spinoff movie of Yafat Koto and Harry Died Stanton from Alien. Like, maybe like it's a prequel movie and they're on the Rhone ship. Dude, if Alien came out in the time when we had dumb DVD extra bonus movies. Yeah, sure. Well, a prequel to Alien with just them, too, would actually look a lot like blue collar.

Yeah. Honestly. And just get Harvey Kytel back in there and find Richard Pryor something to do. Yeah, he'll do something. So, they go, they, you know, she leaves, they leave with a coffee, and Larry's like, I got a fault. She's being kidnapped. You're just like, I mean, and it's a big, dumb baby Larry. Yeah, I mean, I understand it's a Larry the cable guy movie.

Sure, sure. fucking moron but like if you kidnap somebody i don't think and someone else around the diner needs to say this to larry to sort of bring them back down to earth no one is going to pull over to a diner and be like all right you can get out to use the bathroom that's a really good point we've kidnapped you uh but let's go into this public place in front of all these people so you can use the bathroom you can't use language with this fucking beast you can't do that what you have to do and I was waiting for it the whole time with somebody to beat the ever-loving shit

out of him and say, quit it. That'd be amazing. That'd be so cool. Like, that's the only way he's going to learn. I'm sorry. That's why Eric Roberts is my favorite character in this movie because he beats the ever-loving shit out of Larry the cable guy in the third act. It's fucking great. That's someone else disgracing themselves being in this movie.

A couple of people do it, man. We'll get to all of them and more. That's why this is the most of a movie because it's like a cast. There is. There's a real cast. So he chases off after he goes into his big truck The first thing he does in this big truck Is he removes some car pornography That he just has around

Yep, you got some car print pornography That's not it I know the joke is just like he's just a guy And that's what guys do Guys do not do that Guys do not have car pornography Serial masturbators Steve is getting very defensive about this

All I know is Hey man is my man cave. My car's a man cave. I can do whatever I want me. Need a few roadmags. That's the thing, dude. In my entire existence on this earth, my father has owned a truck. Never at any point

in my existence has that truck contained pornography. Did you check? Did you like take down like all the time, dude? I'm like the fucking border police. Yeah. Oh, nice. You stripped that door. You know, sometimes they hide coke or pornography in that door. Exactly. Do you? No, I've stripped it bare.

Nice. Nothing. Did he have empty road sodas. Does Larry have booze? Oh, yeah. He's been drinking beer out of a fucking helmet. Oh, right, the beer

helmet. I can drink and drive. I don't have to take my hands off the wheel. I'm the sheriff. Exactly. I'm above the law. Hey, Connie, did you know

I'm the sheriff? Oh, excuse me. Did I say that wrong PC lib turn? I'm the she riff. Okay? I'm the she riff. That's not a

from the movie, but it could have been. It certainly could have been. There's so many moments in this movie, and I don't even, I don't even get it, right? Like, I get when, like, conservative people like to fucking punch down on liberals and whatnot, and we do it the other way. But in this movie, the way this, like, the anti, you know, like the lib-tart bashing comes out is whenever a character just doesn't understand something that somebody says to them, the throwback is always, whatever liberal shit. No, you just didn't know what a word means. That doesn't have anything to do with it.

And knowing what a word means is liberal. That is hugely liberal. It's just outrageous. Also, he's just making up gibberish bullshit words all throughout this movie. And that is his main comedic unit is like not saying. My main comedic unit. Yeah, well, I'm just laughing at my dick. I got my unit going off this fucking car pornography.

Holy shit. It's not like, oh, wow. When he means to say like unraveling, He says, unreve you late. Yeah. And, like, that goes on throughout this fucking movie. It's not just fake words, though, because he just, like, uses the wrong word. Like, the majority of this road, it's a road trip movie also, by the way.

His interactions with this woman that he kind of pretty much kidnapped. Oh, yeah, definitely. He entirely, 100% kidnaps it. But it's a lot of, like, he says a word, and then she's like, don't you mean this word? And he's like, shut up, liberal. You're like, what the fuck are you talking? talking about. So he does kidnap her, right? So he goes and grabs

her. And she's, I guess there was like a witness protection program, hence the name of the movie. And Yafat Koto and those dudes were FBI. Yeah. They're crooked FBI. Right. But you don't know that yet in the movie. It kind of it's a weevy

plot to the point where I'm like, were they ever FBI? Did I miss something? They were definitely, they're definitely FBI. They're definitely. They're crooked. The conspiracy goes all the way to the top. Yeah. I see. And you know that because he thinks it. He knows that they're crooked before we even find out. So you should have you known as well.

Larry knew it. How does he grab her? There's this garage fucking thing going on out with his cousin. He calls his cousin. His cousin jigsaw. Hey, Larry, want to play a game. Hey, cool. I'm playing a game.

Larry, could you stay on my basement? There's a lot of old antiques down there. If I fart enough and suffocate you, I get the key. Hey, cool, there's a bear trap stuck to my head. I usually step on them. Now my head's in one. Larry, Larry, did you ruin my puppet? Did you sit in my puppet?

Oh, shit. I sat on the jigsaw puppet. Now I got splinters in my ass. Larry, the cable guy. You have farted in every room in this town. and you expect it to get you expect to know injustice to come to you you are in a room full of candles Larry and the and under the candles is gasoline

if you fart you will die you might can't help him so he just rears his fucking fat ass up to a candle and farce you must finish this entire bean burrito and then take the key to the lock oh hey cool no see the fucking challenge is he has to sit with bean burrito in front of him and not eat it. Oh, man,

this is definitely not good. Just sit right there. It looks so good. Oh, Hank, who came over. So, yeah, he cannot, like, there's some business with his cousin. He, and the weirdest parts of this movie,

like, I think this movie's kind of also trying to be, not 48 hours, midnight run a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, without a question. I'm like we're two mismatched characters. We hate each other. And we're stuck on the road. And I have a position of authority and I keep like roughing you up and doing stuff.

It's weird because it's Larry and a woman. And he is, every time he like grabs her by the mouth or like grabs her arm, I'm like, what? Handcuffs her to a radiator, tapes her mouth closed. It literally punches her in the face later in the film. Here's the key to that, though, is Larry's audience. the key. Larry's audience needs to be constantly watching a woman be belittled.

Yeah. That's kind of it. This woman an uppity woman. Yes, specifically. You know what, guys? Larry the cable guy just tells it like it is, and I'm sorry if you're just a bunch of fucking cowards and you can't realize that. Fucking red pillet, asshole. Ever heard of Sam Harris? I bet not. We are rolling it back.

You can now hit women. You could fart on them. You could do whatever you want. That's right. Well, Larry is one of the new intellectuals of the dark web, I believe. Yes. I believe you in that time speed.

You might as well. It's the same fucking shit except they use human English words. The only reason Larry the cable guy took the red pill, by the way, was he thought it was a fucking strawberry jelly bean. So, that got me.

So they go, he kidnaps her and then like, she's like, oh my God, you idiot. I'm, I'm a witness for the FBI. That was the FBI. It's like, all right, we'll do a witness. We'll do a hostage transfer.

Hey, yeah, Ficota, we're on a cell phone together. You better write me a letter of recommendation to the FBI. Dude, it's so dumb. And he's like, yeah, sure. Let's meet at this like warehouse or wherever. So they go. Yeah. And this is like sad, though, because it's just like, this is how a manchild thinks.

Like, I'll just get a letter of recommendation. But he's smart, though. because he goes up in you have a Kodo and he's like there ain't no backup here and he's like no but it's just me he's like and you don't have the eggs it's covered or nothing and he's like no it's not he's like uh-oh he's crooked he gets it Larry gets it right because he's the Sherlock Holmes that shits his pants

now here's I have see so what I was trying to do while watching this movie and Eric already brought up the rapid fire dialogue you know ratatette it's like watching an Elaine May movie

like it's amazing or like the Marx Brothers or something it's like the fucking quality not since David Mamet no it's like you know you got Zepo

you got Harpo and now I'm Fardo hey cool they're Jewish No, so some lines that came about, and I don't recall the context. The first is Larry the Cable Guy. This is one of his Chris Cabin pointed out, made-up words things, where he says suave and deboner. What was that? Oh, yes, no, yeah.

He was saying how... That's Cableese for something. Cableys. He was trying to say that he was suave and debonair to this one. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. okay and so then also she has a line and I don't remember what Larry said to prompt this but she says and this is you you know 2000 and late how by impeaching bush

can I help you out when he's at the garage can I help you out oh beautiful so maybe I'll piece some of this puzzle together I mean like it really like they drop red china at some point well you know that's that was oddly prescient and like there's this whole thing like Okay, the cousin in him have a tit bet. Oh, right, about a woman that was mauled by a bear. Right, right. That's what they're fake or not. Right.

And they were scarred up, but turns out she was mauled by a bear and they're real. Because Larry got to the bottom of it. Apparently he had, I guess he had sexual relations. Yeah, he did, yeah. No, he fucking spied on this woman in the shower. Probably. But he says something about. Open up, sheriff.

Yeah. Hey, cool. You know what? I just saw Craig. Up against the car lady. I also saw a bad lieutenant porter called New Orleans. Give me some kibble. Give me some kibble.

I want to be the FBI female body inspectors. Hey, cool, that chicken's dancing. Wait, female bodies have nothing to do with this? Mr. Koto, nothing? Mr. Koto. Larry, you will call, Dan, you will call me Mr. Koto. Who's Dan? I only see Yaffet and Larry.

Do you think that Larry the cable guy was like method in character the entire time? Absolutely. It's like that fucking Jim and Andy movie. It's Dan and Larry. Oh my God. I would love a documentary to come out in 20 years. And they're like, it's all these like, it's tapes of like behind the scenes Larry the cable guy filming these movies and refuses to not act like that.

That's amazing. I bet he turns it off though. I bet she does. Yeah. sure because not for nothing i noticed it once hard in this movie he totally loses that voice well i mean he's turned a Halloween costume into a multi-million dollar empire here you know what i mean like so it's not that it's not like it's a genius character that was crafted by a master well at least he's going to come back when trump gives him the purple heart which i assume is happening any day

yeah because i went and did some u.s.o comedy and twisted my ankle farting so it's that and the Medal of Freedom probably a joint ceremony um so they there was something also about flawless ejaculation just putting that oh yes thank you which I thought looking back at my notes it's not this

but I thought it was like a flawless victory thing oh yeah it was it was like a it had something to do with like a flawless extraction I don't know if it was like getting in and out of that house yes yeah oh yeah we just did a flawless ejaculation. And there is definitely by the way, a fucking facial

joke later in this movie, which we will get to. So he he re-kidnapped her again. He's about to give him off to Lhavikoto. then he smells that something's wrong because of all the stuff. And like he outruns Yavakotos guys. Q Pig Chase.

Qig, oh yeah, we have fast, we have honest to goodness fast motion. Yes, it's the Keystone cops now. I couldn't even believe we do the second I saw this frame rate speed up. I got up and started walking circles in my living room. I had to do something because I was losing it. I'm actually for it because like 96 minutes, I'm almost there.

Like, I can't do it. Yeah, you're actually right. Speed up more of this movie. It's like a non-thinking man's Benny Hill. Yeah. Oh, totally. He also steals a joke from Beverly Hills Cod. He puts a corn cob up the tailpipe.

Right. That's right. That happens. Also, this is where he's like escaping and he's doing some crazy driving. and he like jerks the wheel and her face, this poor woman, this poor woman, her face falls in Larry's crotch.

And he like pulls her up by the hair and says, if you want to play with my shift, if I want you to play with my shifter, I'll let you know. Well, this is the other thing about, so he farts on her, by the way, like right after that.

Oh, that's right. She's like, are you fucking farting in this car? Rub my dick, eat my farts. Well, no, there's a bunch of, saving you. There's a bunch of fart noise. You're lucky I brought you here.

There's a Cloverfield outside. Oh, my God. That would actually be a porn series that he produces. Rub my dick, smell my fart. That's another $28 million for Dan Whitney. I sat down with the good friends of Brazzers over there. They got a good operation debt brazers. Yeah, I am an annual subscriber.

You know, if you buy a whole whole. year up front, you get two months off. I got a deal with naughty America on a series called Armpit. Them bragers are always giving me the Brazzi Award. Larry, that's

the Razzie Award. Oh, man. We missed out. If David Foster Walls had survived, him, Larry the cable guy, and David Foster Walls go to the Avian Awards. Nice. I would watch that. What a think piece that would be. Did David Foster Wallace go to the AVN?

Yeah, we wrote a big essay on. Oh, did he really? It's really good. Oh, that's interesting. So, yeah, but he, but this also brings up the weirdest dynamic of this. When we're doing Midnight Run, they like kind of go to a pond and they're kind of coming to Jesus a little bit. They're learning about each other a little bit. And, but the weird thing is, like, does you want to have sex with her?

The answer is yes. And, like, I think the answer is no. But it's, it's on and off. It's all these, like, I'm just joking. And it'd be like, hey, want to kiss me? I'm just. joking. You know what I mean?

He also mentions when they first see her enter the Donner, like, there's a high clash, babe. Oh, right. Not like my disgusting Jenny McCarthy girlfriend. Who knows why she's wearing a wig? Ever since that fire, she started wearing that wig, we all know you're bald. I hate my girlfriend. Oh, man, Larry, the cable guy, and the naked kiss.

Oh, God. no like I it's always like his tactic is much like somebody who is about to be told they've been friend zoned but hasn't yet yeah like it's always like I don't I don't mean to say I want to fuck you but do you want to fuck me yes would you it's like he stops her he's like you know what madeline you shut up maddo you shut up madeline I don't want to hear you say it I know what you think I know what you're going to say I don't want to hear you say it just give me some more time just give Dan's some more, I mean, give Larry some more time. Opens the door to the Burger King. My lady. Oh, we can't eat here. They had a gaywopper once. I get all my news from 4chan.

What is the moment where he says, like, ingrown hairs on my girlfriend's front butt? You can put any of those lines wherever you want. You know, it's like you just moved into a house and the movies got, you know, wherever, wherever you want, buddy, that's fine. Twice in my life, I, like, came down with a headache watching a movie. The first was Jean-Luc Goddard's Goodbye to Language in 3D, which fucked my brain up, and I had to go home. And then this movie.

I mean, this, the whole... Front butt. Front butt. Your fucking vagina? What does it mean a front bite, you fucking ape? Well, that is the hilarious thing, because we, I watched it with closed caption. I think a couple of the... Congratulations.

You were way more investment. than I was. The closed caption keeps on like question. Correcting him. Well, it also, sometimes it says the reference, like it says debonair and parentheses. Oh, it doesn't really? Yeah. Oh, wow. And then sometimes because it's so

rapid fire, it's totally abbreviated so certain sections are just not even captioned. Oh my God. I think you mentioned it before we went on the air, Chris, that it's like an avalanche. Yeah. You cannot, you cannot. I mean, You can't keep track of all these zingers. We get to the motel.

So, like, they kind of come to Jesus. But again, like, again, this movie should work like this. They, they don't like each other. They gradually like each other. And maybe in the first scene, he handcuffs her. Then in, like, the second scene, he almost does. Then he doesn't. Like, and then it grows up to the, he's not handcuffing her because they're a team.

Right. He handcuffs her this entire movie. Yep. No, the trust. The trust never comes. And it's just, it's so fucking. Casey-esque, like this big man just grabbing her. Dude, by

the way, Dan Whitney, and he would use his real name for this role stars as John Wayne Gayson. I would love it. Get that fucking pig and a clown costume. Wow, that might be like his moment. Like, he comes back. Yeah, as Dan Whitney. Maybe gets an award of some kind. That's perfect. That's perfect.

And as a noted child killer, Gen O'Carthy could be, because she consult on it with him. By the way, this movie she could play what was it didn't like John Wayne Gacy like oh no we thought he met Nancy Reagan but he met

Carter's wife Carter's wife yeah there's definitely a gag in this movie ripped straight out of Ernest goes to camp when that snake bites his nose oh remember Ernest and the turtle well Larry is kind of DNA Larry is kind of earnest

the missing link of the Ernest family and the weird thing is Ernest never got political Ernest didn't care about politics. He was apolitical and the joke was always on Ernest. Hey, Vern, register to vote. And maybe that's it at tops. Ernest P. Worrell registering people to vote. Ernest is the joke of the town.

Everybody is like, you are a fucking loser. He's a loser, but like he's a do-gooder at the same time. Oh, yeah, he's lovable. Yeah, exactly. He's like the janitor for the bank and Ernest goes to jail. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's helping the kids.

He's like, he's just, a dumb, lovable guy. I mean, I wouldn't let my kids near him. No, of course not at all. Dude, I'd let my kids near fucking layer the cable guy before Ernest P. Worrell, you kidding me? I don't know about that.

Dude, remember the kids in Ernest Cared stupid. Yeah, they're gone now. Yeah. I would rather them turn into wooden statues than witness anything that goes on in this movie firsthand. Listen, what's going to happen to your kid?

Like, he's going to fart in their face and then you're going to have to explain like you're going to have to teach your children what sex is way in advance and like racial epitets yeah i mean and what pork rinds are there's a whole thing which we're not ready for pork we didn't even get to the whole like really weird fucking like spade joke they make with yaffit koto do he does make that and he fucking he says it and he references it he referenced the race race angle of that joke in the same breath it's amazing it's truly fucking well the most amazing part of this movie is the motel.

This is astounding sequence. This is like a short film in and of itself. 2008 in a nutshell. It's called Larry the Cable Guy, Colin, getting racist. It's racist. It's for sure racist. But at least what, like, what is it, 30, 40% of this country

will say it's not racist. That's right. And they'll write on our Facebook page that it's not racist. So he goes into a motel and his thing is like we can't use and like the woman is like beaten down at this point. She's like, she kind of believes Larry now that the, that the cops

are in on it, the FBI are in on it. Well, because they've like given Chase, they shot out the back of Larry's truck. Okay, you know, let's just use my credit card. We'll get a couple of rooms. We can't use credit cards. They'll track us. We got to use cash. Because he says you can't use plastic, which to I was, I was very

proud of Larry the cable guy. At no point does he say we, because he says can't use plastic multiple times in this movie. You'd think a follow-up gag, a two-for-one right here is, but I can use rubber, right? Exactly. Yeah, make a little fucking Jimmy hat jokes. I thought

you were going that he couldn't use plastic like rubbers. I got a raw dog get in there. Hey, Madeline, I got some money in my backseat. Don't mind the car pornography. Mind not the car pornography, Madeline, it's all right. Speaking of Madeline, this needs like a Madeline con or some woman that can like, give it back to him.

Give it back to. Like a Linda Carter. No, but that's not what his audience wants. No, it's got to. Larry's got to be fucking beating down the whole time. He goes in with the idea that he wants to pay cash. The clerk is this actor Jerry Bednob who has played one of the clerks in a 40-year-old virgin, one of the two guys that fuck with him. He's a dude. How about this?

Interesting Jerry Bednob fact, by the way. He's a Trinidad board and Canadian. Oh, interesting. And he has East Indian heritage, though. In the early aughts, he got a lot of work playing people that got yelled at by people for being brown. That's how that shit works. That's how it works. So he goes in, he's like, hey, can I get a room there?

And like, he called, I mean, I think almost immediately he calls him pamperhead. That's early. I missed that. That was one. Which is like, like, raghead is insane. Like, you, that you, so I think somebody said no to that. And he's like, well, what about paperhead? It's got a lack of diaper.

babies do that. That's kind of fun. Come on. The only pamper head in this world is Dengar, the bounty hunter. Also, that dude literally has a diaper on his head. I know, and it's great. Because he got into, I think it was like a swoop race with Hans Solo and he crashed and he got injured.

And then he always had like a slight grudge after that. There's never a visual element to this show, but as Eric was explaining that, he put his hand on Chris's shoulder. I have to say, you know what, son? This is what Degnar is all about. And then if you paned left over to me, I was gently closing my eyes falling to sleep. So he closed a pamperhead, and this guy's immediately, like, irritated. Well, the first thing is vague Middle Eastern music being piped in.

Of course, there is. Was that for your close captioning? That was the hilarious thing. When the close captioning, all it said was bongos. Oh, okay. But it was clearly like... One of the first gags I remember, though, is this dude says, do you want to check in? And he's using a very heavy accent.

Larry goes, chicken. I don't want to know chicken. I'm stuffed. And the guy's like, no, chicken. Would you like to check in? And he's like, oh, check in? Why didn't you say so? And that's how you know that this whole thing is bullshit because he would not refuse chicken.

You're right. This guy wants the credit card. He doesn't want to do the cash. And then, like, Larry gets into this whole thing about, like, where I'm going to dust everything on the counter for maybe explosive powder and you're going to be in Club Gipmo. Club Gitmo.

He says, we've just been through that Muhammad. Well, Club Gitmo's tough because, you know, that is the Bush era's biggest disgrace. And the Obama era's biggest disgrace as well because he certainly didn't close it. It's just America's black eye. But Obama promised to close it and he never did. Yeah, Trump was like, we're open for business.

There's going to be a casino there. It's going to be great. Oh, but it's still open? Great. Thanks, Bear. I was going to say with Trump, there's a lot of competition. It might not be his biggest disgrace. Yeah, no, true.

But maybe that's how you trick him, right? You're like, hey, Donald, that black guy said he was going to close it, but then didn't. Oh, that's a good boy. Yeah, you just pick up on all of Obama's broken promises, right? Also, we have to, because we're just totally like slamming Middle Eastern people in this movie, you got to dial it back a little bit to punch women in the face again because he's like, you know what, Muhammad, we just got to get a room because my wife, she's got a female bladder and you know what that's about.

But yeah, I mean, it goes back and forth. It's with her, it's all that stuff. Like, he used, like, use your holy book as toilet paper, throw rocks at my embassy. Oh, right. And burn the flag. What the fuck are you talking about? It goes on and on and on. And I saw millions of moose land.

celebrate now 9-11 I'll tell you what they were dancing in Jersey City that's what they said that's what that asshole said but the thing is it goes on and on and on and like this guy's not even a car and on and on and on and on so after the getmo

threat he he allows him to check in and then at the end of this sequence he just goes trash white which means he's kind of getting it wrong trying to call him white trash which is like you know what this movie gives as good as it gets right like everyone's getting in on it. Yeah, this guy got shit on for 10 minutes of film and then he said one insult

wrong. Yeah. And real white trash, what is searing burn? Yeah. And in reality, it would be like, you, oh, okay, you fat fucking weirdo. I would love it if later in the movie, this dude had an opportunity to kick Larry, the cable guy, and the dick. That'd be fucking awesome. Like, here's your wake-up call motherfucker slam. So they go, they go back to the room. He gets her dinner. he's eating chicken or whatever he's eating. She's got the line of the movie right here, y'all. Oh, oh, yes. Well, there's two lines of the movie. One, we

passed over, but it's Yafet Koto. I got a legitimate laugh where he says kiss my black ass, very great. Then here, where like, he's got this fucking dip shit dinner and whatnot, and she goes, stop trying to be romantic, Shrek. Amazing.

I had another legitimate laugh there. He looked like Shrek. He does. He does. He does. Honestly, he does. He looked like cross between Shrek and Casper Ghost. But he is trying to be romantic here. He's got a candle going. And he's like, I got you this special dinner. Here's that rabbit food you eat.

She's like, what do you mean his salad? She's like, I'll never have severe heart disease before I'm 50, you fat pig. So they go to bed. He does buy, he's like, I bought you pajamas. She thinks it's going to be sexy. They're not. So then she's like, okay, I feel the threat of rape. is lessened by like two degrees at this point?

Oh, two is generous, my friend. You're still not sleeping. Because he's just so stupid, he bought kid pajamas. You've been kidnapped by a hillbilly who's now locked you and handcuffed you into a motel room. Who is doing all this he thinks because this is his way into the FBI. I'm a genius. Yeah. Yeah, listen, dude, you just changes the score to this movie.

It's a horror film. Definitely. He handcuffs him to her. They have twin beds. She's on one. He's on the other. He starts to go and asleep. This is where his fucking fatness really shines.

You do. Because she has to like interact with it. He's got this like lousy white beef. He has nothing. And these shorts that go up like he's fucking 79 years old. He looks like Jackie Gleason. I can't even believe it. But the nipples are like outside of the tank top.

You know what I mean? That's why fat guys. and I wish this wasn't the case, but that's why fat guys can't wear tank tops. I would love to cool off in the summertime with a nice tank top. But, dude, my nipples would be hanging out of this thing. I just don't need it.

When it comes time to cast the Gerard de Perdue story and you need Welcome to New York era. Yep. Get fucking Larry the cable guy in there. Don't even ask him to do the accent. Oh my God, it's just Larry the cable guy with a big Gerard Depardue mop haircut. Hey, cool, I'm going to rush.

I was a green guard. But she's hanging out of a cuff to her, and she just like trying to get the key, so she has to, like, go over his fat, and she just, like, kind of straddle him. Yeah. And at this point, he's like, Hey, cool, hey, cool.

Keep your bono together, Larry. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. so like hilariousness ensues she's like oh yeah she says she calls him handsome he's like I knew your line you'd never call me handsome

no he says because he knows he's not handsome which is fucking great and sad and then so like you know before they romantically get together Yafat Koto and the gang pull back up into the motel parking lot they make an escape because Larry has like some award or some shit that's like a fake grenade and he just like holds this grenade out the window

I got this from Timothy McVeigh thanks man hey Timmy thanks for the award it's not an award it's like what your aunt puts up in her fucking cubicle it's a complaint department pullpin oh man take a number fuck head man that is like the prop equivalent of those

t-shirts that say I'm not crazy but the voices in my head are and all those fucking hysterical shirts you see. Those t-shirts do the desired work of those t-shirts which is I don't talk to those people like goodbye. It's sort of like comic book t-shirts. No, that's an invite only, my friend.

I don't know, Steve, you got a Batman t-shirt on. It's kind of sickening me to talk to you. That's fine. What Batman is that? He looks pretty reided out. It's drawn by Paul Pope. Look at that. Did he also come up with wine o'clock? Was he before or after John Paul?

After. Okay. Paul Pope. So, yeah, he throws this grenade. Everybody runs out of the way, except for Yafat Koto, because he's a fucking stoic badass. This is about when Peter Stormer shows up in this movie. Sorry. There's one more.

Oh. There's one more. There's a big one. Disgusting joke air quotes in this movie. Because that happens. All the FBI guys like duck out of the way, Yafat Koto is. Like, clearly that's not real. The motel manager runs out of the office, grabs it, runs after Larry the cable guy screaming, Alahou Akbar, and the fucking audience goes wild.

Man. And you want... I got another one, too. Dunham did a polish on the script. Is what you're saying? Yeah. Him and John Bolton. Wait, so what did I mean?

So he, so the whole thing, he swallows the key that is supposed to... This is so disgusting. Oh, right. We got to, yeah, he does swallow the key to the house. So they're on the side of the road. And there's this fucking, I hesitate to call it a joke. But there's a joke where he gets ill when he hears classical music. Right. So he's just, she's playing it. And he's trying to get. And he's like, networking. We got trash something else. And she changes the channel to a quote unquote rap song. Yeah. That is just shaking. that ass for a $20 bill over and over again. And he's like Oh, they got their own music. Yep, and then

he throws up and it's a bunch of New England clam chowder. It's disgusting. It looks so outrageous and disgusting. And you get to see him like finger through it like, where's that key? Oh, where I put it somewhere. I do this all the time. Don't worry. He still got the wife bitter on and it's all over.

It's everything. By the way, If you, folks in home, if you ever wanted to see a bear paw through its own puke, I have a movie for you. But what he said, he's fucking ruffling around his fucking hand in this clam chowder. And he says, oh, that's good eats. Oh, God. And I went, wha. It's tough.

It's tough. It was so tough. You know, by the way, in middle school, I had a music teacher who once claimed. Did he puke everyone? No, I wish. Because it would make more sense than what this makes. said that he wanted everybody to be open to trying every genre of music, but he said that he refused to listen to opera because it made him nauseous. Wow. And I think that's a bold-faced

lie. Yeah, definitely. I think that guy was just an asshole. It just reminds him of his ex-wife. His ex-wife, the opera fan. So Peter Stomair, who's great for, he's really, he's really, pushing it to make that still be a legitimate sentence. He's doing a British accent in this movie? You're saying that awfully confidently. I don't know what this is. That's what he thinks he's doing. I think he's doing wealth America.

Yeah, he's just doing elitist. He does say the queen at one point. During the polo matches, like, oh, for the queen or like, and I can't even do the accent as bad as he doesn't. You're probably right, but it's so bad that it's just like, it's strutting that line between American and British. Right. It's also, his name is Arthur Grimsley. Which could go either way.

We were texting about this when we were watching it and Cabin said it was just doing like an elitist accent. That's definitely, that's his place. There's like a little, that Casey, he wanders into French every once in a while. He's just trying to be, yeah, like a high flu and like, oh, Muffy, oh, huh. But he's fucking Peter's Dormair.

He's a limousine liberal. It's almost... What on earth is that? You don't know what a limousine liberal is? No, I don't think so. Well, okay, so it's Does it have something to do with Sweden, which is where Peter's Dormeyer is from? It's a Democrat from the North that has... A taste for the high life.

It has money, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Chris Christie. No. What? Chris Christie is not a liberal anything. I guess that's, yeah. And also, like, literally eats chicken.

George Soros. Yeah, okay. He pays for everything, you know. That's when you ever hear anyone complain about anything. It's because of George Soros. I don't think George Soros contributes to our Patreon if you wanted to, George. It would be great. Honestly, George, George Soros, someone, I know, there's agents of his listening, protesters who are directly financed from him. Please plead with the man to donate to our Patreon.

We are ready to steer into just pure propaganda. I would be happy to. Oh, for money, I can do almost anything. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We will do anything. now here's what i here's the thing that i was like watching this movie and you know it's 2008 this movie comes out sure right i was like you know what is missing from this movie and god my fingers are crossed that they get to it jeff foxworth my eyes are crossed that they get to it is a fucking grade a all-american sequence that is just taking the piss out of the tsa oh because we

go from one fucked up sequence which is this hotel situation sure he fingers his vomit and then we go to the airport where he gets fucking detained by the TSA and it's another 15 minutes of TSA jokes because it's this thing that we had a problem with in the arts it's like hey man

I'm a white person why do you think that I would do something on a plane that's what it is because why do I have to take off my shoes and it's like well you have to sir that's the rule that's what we're doing these days well that's the fuck you're so concerned about fucking 9-11 all the time It does attack, like this scene kind of, you know, they make fun of the Patriot Act in a way,

which is, it's kind of good that there's sort of a scene giving it back. But no, it's, it never comes up. No, no, they're not giving it to the Patriot Act. Does he say? It's, no, it is. The TSA agent says the Patriot Act. It is, the Patriot Act doesn't apply to me. It's like, why am I being detained?

Hey, I'm white. Hey, look at my hat. It's actually true. You're right. And he's fucking giving these people the. business overall. Well, the joke is he doesn't want to take his off his shoes because guess what

gang, my feet stink. Last time I took off my shoes it was like a bomb went off. And they're like, oh my God, Bob. Wait, should I not say that? Yeah, of course, you fucking fat idiot. You fucking

moron, what are you talking about? Last time I took my shoes off, it was a 9-11. Last time I took my shoes off was when I was getting airplane lessons in Florida. I skip the class about how to land, though. Also, it's fucked up because literally in the two scenes ago, he's got his

fucking shoes off in bed with this woman. And she's not throwing up. And they make it like, they make it TSA's fault. Like TSA just tells you to take your fucking shoes off. Yeah. Where this is like, we strongly suggest you do it. I'm like, they don't say that. So they strip search him.

He's standing there naked. Also, sorry, but we've got another timely joke to throw in here because they bring a fucking bomb sniffing dog over to him and the dog passes out because his feet stink to which Larry the cable guy goes, way to go, Michael Vick. Oh, my God. Yeah, the TSA just killed this animal. Yeah, I was going to say, is that dog a bloody mess of stuff because that's the only way. It will be what I'm done eating them.

It's just amazing. It's like the screenwriters of this movie where like how can we write a script that will make this movie completely irrelevant three months after it comes out. Yep, yep. It's amazing.

But we get naked Larry. And he's got his like balls cradled in his Bass Pro Shop hat, which by the way, yes, Bass Pro Shop gave money to this film. And then they have the people, the other people come in and they're all staring at his ass

and it's like a roadmap of pain. Well, you're missing. you're missing my favorite visual gag in the entire movie. This is something. So while they're doing the slow pan up to the best pro whatever the fuck. I wish I had a whistle right now. There is a

very, very noticeable it's a cartoon. I love it. White strip untanned area on his thigh. Because he's got a fucking hilarious sunburn all over his body except for a cock shaped white outline.

I miss that. I missed it. I missed it, too. Oh, dude, normally when we go through these horrendous movies, it's always like, don't go back. Yeah. Go back. You got to see it. And I'll tell you exactly why, because there's, listen, there's no way as cock is this big. No. That's the thing. There's no way. What are you talking about? My man's got that girth. There is no way, Larry. Oh, I missed understood you. I thought it was like an underwear line that you could see. No, no, no. It's like, oh, it's like you can see. He's been on a knee. nude beach. He's completely sunburned.

How long is it? Dude, it's at least like a fucking 10 inch. Yeah. So he's got it like curled up in that hat. Like a fruit roll-up. Like a doodoo and a toilet bone. It's just coiled around. My dick looks like shit.

And my shit looks like a dick. My dick is shit. I love it. So. And they're like, oh my God, he's so disgusting. and this guy comes in because he's going to do a cavity search and he's like

I wouldn't do that coachies I had some nachos last night or whatever the joke is and he goes in and the fucking the foliarist is farting all over the place and you cut away

and it's like he just shit that man to death right? It was like it was corrosive it melted him down. It's just like the blob or something's coming

out of his ass. It's just long in this yeah dude. Remember what that? It sounds like the man died. The joke should be he goes in there and he jumps back. You know what I mean? And it's like all over his shoes.

And his hand is ripped off. Yeah, he's got to look like the guy who got hit by the chemical bath and robocop. I mean, get off me. Because that is really what they're like building this up to be. I mean, people are fleeing the room. By the way, did you notice the dude that walks up to him? Visual gag. Again, huge tub of Vaseline in his line.

Got to get that going. Yafat Kota comes over and for some reason they let them go. And he's like, oh, they didn't get on a plane, though. And then Larry has this joke when he's driving. He's like, I think I'm on the no fly list right now. He'll, cool. That thing ruins people's lives. I'm just kidding.

I'm wet. Wait, I can't get a gun. What? I was improperly put on the... Hey, y'all, that's not funny. I don't care about people's lives being ruined left. Don't worry. The next Congress is Dan.

This is Dan. I'm going to talk to you now. That's not funny. That's not funny. Breaking character to tell you, that's, fuck you. You can ruin everyone's life you want. Could you imagine someone not being able to get a gun in America? That'd be insane.

I don't think it's possible. I think anyone can. There's loopholes. Dude, Tony the Tiger could get a gun. He's a fictitious cartoon character. That's great. It comes with a bump. stock that's great

so the thing unravels and Peterson Romare is this British guy he's got a disc that is the McGuffin of the movie yeah big time you know Madeline knows where what the the pass code is to get

the information blah blah blah right Eric Roberts shows up he's like his head of security and it's Eric Roberts by the way a talking cats Eric Roberts not not Pope of Greenwich Village is Eric Roberts this is a talking cats There's two.

There's two Eric Roberts. I can only talk once. Those are the rules. The Pope of Greenwich Village, Eric Roberts, is in the Black Lodge. This is where Larry pulls over to a pay phone

and calls like the Chicago field office of the FBI. By the way, she's like, we got to get to Chicago, blah, blah, blah. That's what the court case is going to be. In X amount of days. So he makes this phone call

to this field agent pretending to also be an FBI agent, I think, is the idea. And this is where we drop two lines. I'll say the second one first because it's way less terrible. He goes, something, something is, it's heavier than Michael Moore after a Las Vegas buffet. So slam that liberal. Fuck. Got that fuck.

I got that fuck. Dude, you're, I mean, that's the thing. We always go out of the way to say we're more. Oh, yeah. This guy is so fucking huge. You're talking to Michael Moore. And I hate Michael Moore. whatever like you know what I mean like I'm not protecting Michael more but my god you're both

enormous yeah leave it alone he's got like 10 pounds on you 15 maybe maybe and then he's got glasses that's literally the difference is he's got glasses oh he's got glasses because that's liberals liberals with their glasses so then though before that before that before that we have to just fucking if you're driving yeah you might want to fucking pull over all right pull over he says that he has to do something faster than Angelina Jolie adopted in jungle pygmies. Good God!

Jungle pygmy! Good God! Oh, you mean the children that she actually adopted that are her actual children? So you're just like making fun of actual children at this point? Of course. By the way, we can't call them babies because that would humanize them in some way,

so we have to use a word that's been maligned in the United States for 50s. 60 years. Who knows how it's just outrageous that like fucking Fred Q Lionsgate saw this and was like that's fine. Leave it in. Hey, leave it in. It's a PG-13 rating. Did they change it to Pygmies or was?

I don't know. From something much worse. The X-rated cut. No idea. I don't, I don't know. I mean, it's tough. Maybe babies sounded more racist. You're talking about kids, dude. It's terrible.

Hey, I fucking saw Salt the theaters And that shit suck I'm gonna take that bitch down in my next movie Fucking Salt Full Price Saturday Night movie Fuck you Hey Angelina I'll stop making fun of your kids

If you just apologize for the changeling I'll do it Do you know how long the good shepherd is Oh fuck Oh man that movie It's a whole day That movie's boring Newsflash he's not what

And the good gym is three and a half hour long movie, no. I feel like Larry right now, you guys named three movies I have not seen. So, yeah, this is kind of the thing. We're going to go to the thing. We got to have another dinner. This is after the Eric Roberts introduction. They go out to dinner again at some bar. Oh, right.

And it's literally the same, like, I got you, your rabbit food. And then he orders like this huge fucking... Three foot, this brat, dude. This huge fucking... brought it's disgusting to watch it's also like it's a tiny roll and then like most of the tube is like hanging outside of it so he's chowing down and this was what i referenced earlier he bites into this thing and grease just fucking slings onto her face yep this is a cum shot joge that's a come got a little bit on your face there honey that doing anything for you any food stuff or what all you fans come over here and take your first bite of sausage right and front of her face. And he says sausage bucocchi.

After this fucking grease facial sausage bucocci, well done. Well done, really. Really well done. We're going to say well done. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. We're going to grade that well done. Let's go to the board. Let's go to the board. The joke board. The we hate movies in studio joke board. Whenever Steve has a pain

face, I think it's a go. Yeah, it's pretty good. Don't worry. It was a cabin classic. If you run more sausage Bucococke, we'll be performing in Milwaukee on July 14th.

After he fucking slings grease on this woman's face. He says something about, I'm going to lube you up with condiments. What in the fuck? And it's all a joke, right? It's a joke. It's a joke. I'm not trying to actually have sex

even though you're in this weird like fight for your life situation. And any pass I put on you might even be considered a sexual assault. Look, lady, I've seen these movies at some point we gotta fuck men, Mr. Rules. And to

not only to further prove that this is not for women at all, Eric Roberts character, by the way, is a PMA agent. Oh, right. Private security. Private maximum security. I think it's a joke. Oh, God. So they have all these guys with jackets on that

says PMS and they got their panties in a bind, right? It's amazing. They're trying to get me, Larry. I feel like the writer's room for this particular gag was like, all right, everybody. The world knows the classic joke, FBI female body inspector

but what if we made it even dumber yes also so this is where it's revealed he says something like yada yada your inheritance and she's like what and he goes oh I know that you know she's

her last name it turns out he recognizes because her family owns this fucking sausage company sausage king of Chicago of course it's his favorite sausage so he like knows the score with this woman or whatever. And she actually at this point, like he gets in her face. You're related

to Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago. Like he gets close to her and she goes like, Larry, you smell like my childhood. And he's like, I'm sorry. And then to what she throws back, no, no, no, that's a good thing.

Oh, ew. Oh, and also when he talks to her and she laughs at one of his stupid fucking utterances. and she says, oh, it does laugh. Oh, it's the property. It laughs in front of me. Oh, totally.

Also somewhere around here is he's talking about like the whole conspiracy that he's trying to unravel here. And he goes, it's like Michael Jackson trying to run a daycare center. It don't make sense. Yeah, well done. The back row right there. The dude was dead months later. this movie has a fake oh my god

this movie ending no there's still 40 minutes left so they at some point Larry is like he meets up with Eric Roberts he realizes Eric Roberts is crooked he's like oh man everyone's in on I the only way that this is going to work out is if you fake your dad oh god yes he blows up

his truck and like this is a big like sad I blew up my truck thing and she's like I blew up my truck oh there is some fucking I love this bar there should have been a fucking Toby Keith song made specifically for this movie called I Lost My Truck. Had 200,000

miles left to go. I lost my truck. Yeah, I noticed chicken fry. That's about it. No, it's like, ooh, I am obese. But no, so he blows up his truck and like there's kind of a tent-

All those porno mags go up to snow. Oh, no, man, not the porno, not the porno. Bordo. Oh, no, my stroking stuff. Oh, shit, eBay's going to have my ass. I was supposed to sell them. Some guy in Carolina wanted them. Already listed the auction. Oh, no. Oh, no. My homemade fleshlight was in there. Oh, fuck. Homemade.

What is it made out of? What is it made out of? Pigskin. Pigskin? Mm, yeah. I would say it's probably going to be an old lamp. He just, he took. It's my little baby cousin's Nerf gun. You're fucking it. He took like a canister that you put tennis balls in and dumped all the tennis balls out. And then filled it with a bunch of used wet naps and fucked it.

And then doused it all in gasoline. Wet naps, wet naps sting, man. Okay, so it's just rancid meat covered in formalde hot. I'll keep it fresh. But speaking of rancid meat and leather face, we meet Larry's cousin, right? or his brother-in-law. Doc Savage. Doc Savage.

So he's like, all right, he's a doctor. He's a crooked doctor. He'll hook us up. But the idea is they blew up in the car. Right. But there ain't nobody's, but nobody's thinking of that. So he's like, all right.

And like, Joe Montania. Holy shit. Both Joe Montania and Peter Stormere are doing like Andy Kaufman-esque. They're like super. performance type. Montana is trying to do like an effect southern thing.

He's trying to do like a Zach Gallowinacchus impression. Sure. Like when Zach Alfenacus does his twin brother like that guy. He's playing like a homosexual man. Yeah. But he's married to a big fat lady is the age. My sister Denise is a bigan. Because this dude is Larry's brother-in-law, he says.

Also because he's trying to like make Madeline feel secure and like with the plan that's going to happen. He goes, you're going to be like anacorniocopia in a gay bar, totally safe. What? Yes. Anicorn. I second Chris Cabins. What?

Let's go to the board. What is correct? And we get all these rumblings upstairs. Oh, she's a big girl. Oh, don't worry. She's just taking a piss up there. Oh, right. The cue, like a waterfall sound effect.

By the way, yeah, Larry is just totally fat, but a fat woman can't even be seen, or it's an inhuman monster. It's the Simpsons gag where Jay Sherman has a date with Yudora Welty. Yeah, he's like, coming, Udora. That's Krusty. Oh, yes, you're right. It was Krusty the clown. We got to go. She's my cousin Al Bundy.

So Botox her face to death, apparently. Yeah, like the idea is like it simulates. It's death, and it makes her look like she's dead. They put her in a coffin, and all of a sudden, I mean, there's dropped lines all over the place. It's Peter Stormair and Eric Roberts show up to see her dead to make sure she's dead. Right. And they're like, oh, she's dead. I guess the movie's over.

I'm like, oh, shit, is the movie over? That'd be great. Can I put on chopped? Can I put on chopped? We fooled them. We fooled him. Can I put on chopped? We fooled them.

Roll credits. That'd be great. But no, you know, they go away. And this is the point where Larry comes out. He's like, are you okay? Look, she's dead. How dead do you think she needs to be? And he starts punching her in the face.

Shaking her, slapping her, and punching her. Take custody away from me, will you? Larry, Larry, it's not that. They're satisfied that she's dead. They leave. She comes in, and it's the same thing as Trash White. She gets one punch on him. She's like, don't knock me around, Larry.

And it's like, yay, everything's equal. No, it's not. Then they jump on a mulch barge and. sale to Chicago. Yeah, right. And then once they're in Chicago, things get really murky. For some reason, Larry has to enter a polo competition, which I don't understand. And what's her name? Madeline is also handcuffed to a bathroom and tied up. And again, like, this is the part of the movie where like, she's fake dyed, blah, blah, blah. She's either in on it or she's okay.

Like, he shouldn't be grabbing this woman and handcuffing her up. Still doesn't trust her. Oh, it's because, though, the trust is broken because they're in this hotel room they're getting ready to like do this fucking stunt or whatever to get the disc i think is the idea yeah and so she says uh he's like so and so is pretending to whatever and he and she goes to him uh just like you pretend to be a law enforcement officer uh yeah and his heart breaks but he's also a professional kidnapper at this point right so then he his heart breaks and he chains her in the bathroom uh and i think the idea is he has to win this polo match against Peter Stormair in order to

get an invitation to a ball that's happening. And then leave, because now we're just trying to do James Bond or something. Yeah. Was this one of the last lines I have, I'm almost towards the end of my list here, where he says that

his dream would have a nut rub from Scarjo. That's right. That's exactly right. She, like, I don't think she's going to watch this movie, but she could have it. Yeah. There was a chance. This is when he realizes that polo, so the game on horses where you've got mallets and balls and whatnot,

is much like it's just demolition derby with horses. Yes. The whole point of this is to ram these fucking horses together. Destroy them. So he like, he beats the shit out of Peter Stormere with the mallet. Peter Stormere falls off his horse and face plants into a pile of horse shit. He's embarrassed in front of all of his wealthy friends.

So on and so forth. We're slobbing versus snobbing all over the place. At this point, you know, what's her face shows up? She's pretending to be somebody else. Where did she get this wig? She bought it. Got it from Jenna McCarthy. She shipped it.

From her wig palace. She winds up going up to kind of getting caught. Everyone realizes it's her. Larry the cable guy goes upstairs to fight Eric Roberts. This is the big fight scene. Yes, Eric's a shit kicked out of him. Eric Roberts says, that he's about to enact the fighting stance

of praying mantis, Larry counters with saying he's winded walrus, he hat. No, actually it's even worse. Eric Roberts says he's crouching tiger. Oh, yes. And you get, I mean, like, honestly, like, this movie had zero stars to begin with. It's negative stars. Anytime any movie

goes, wha! Oh, yeah. It gets into a karate stance. It's zero points. It is negative points. It's so bad. But then throughout this movie, he's making reference to who wants to be a millionaire. Oh,

right. And he says, he says something about like, very topical, very of the time. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, is it your final answer?

Eric Roberts is like, what? And then he like fucks it up and says some other game show. And Eric Roberts is like, that's not the right game or whatever. I think it's the other one, the one with the lady.

What was that one? The lady? It was, the baby looked at you. It was the one with, weakest link. We're the weakest link. Oh, yes.

He says you are the weakest link. Goodbye. And then he's like, that's not even the right game. And this is where Larry goes, he says something about, no, that's the one with Regis. But this is where Dan Whitney's accent breaks. And he's just like, no, that's the one with Regis. And you're like, whoa, dude, take two, man.

My friend, Regis Philbin. And then he's going to fight him. He says, it's like a two-fingered crippled trying to return a text message. Good guy. Dude, the laughs keep on common in this movie. man, I can't even believe it. Another put a fucking bullshit line where he says, I'm going to pinch out a grumpy, which is a shit.

Yeah, pinch out a grumpy, dude. You put that on a t-shirt or a Father's Day card. No getter-done's in this movie. Zero getter-duns. I missed it. I'll be honest. I missed it a little bit. We say this, I feel, every time we do a Larry episode, though.

But, like, does Larry have a movie where he says get her done? He says it in the... It's not a jingle all the way, too. He's in Health Inspector for sure. Was that his first feature? Yes, that might be one. it. And then maybe we'll see what happens in Delta Forest. Farst. Oh, it's a

Fars. Get it rat. Delta Forest. Delta Farts. How was it not Delta Farts? He gets the disc because he defeats Yafat Kota. They kind of come to terms like, hey, Yavakota does it save with a bunch of money when he did that money. Yeah. And Yavikota's like,

can I be out of the movie? Larry? He's like, yeah, you can be out of the movie. And he bests Eric Roberts because he distracts him. He's like, here, you got the disc and like, away and they're like Larry, you gave him the disc and he puts it in and it's a video of Larry the cable guy doing

achy, breaky heart karaoke. That's Peter Stormer It's a Peter Stomare. Oh, oh, oh, okay. He actually bludgeoned Eric Roberts over the head until he's presumably murdered. Weakest link references are actually kind of close. Billy Ray Cyrus references. I don't know what he's got a dumb

mullet on because 2008 Mullet jokes are huge. He just recorded his own video of him singing achy, breaking heart in this wig. They make reference to it earlier in the film. But he carries it around. He carries it around with him. No, no, no. It's kind of weird. He says, it's very weird.

It is to a, it is a sexual aid for Jenna McCarthy. Yes, she finds him more attractive when he has the Billy race. So I for a moment there was on the verge of a heart attack because I thought I was going to see a quote unquote fake Larry the cable guy's sex tape. Oh, Jesus. I thought I was going down for good.

That you'd have to have to. have a getter done that. Shouldn't have ate that all that pork. Who am I kidding? I totally should have. Peter Stormere, top five, I would never want to see that guy. I love his work. I would never want to see him in public. He just... What would have happened?

I just think that he's like to, would you get too aroused? No, I think he's just too intimidated, too scary, dude. Like, I would not want to have dinner with Peter Stormere. You know what I mean? Like, what will we talk about? Absolutely nothing. It would be dead silence for 45 minutes. I remember when Werner Hartzog came to the Jacob Burns Film Center

I was out there in the lobby and I was like I mean, should I say something? And I was like, I'm like moving around the lobby so he doesn't notice me even though I'm right next to him. I just couldn't, I couldn't make the jump. I couldn't do it.

I spoke to him. He came for encounters at the end of the world. He came for a Q&A and I talked to him briefly and he told me his story that he tells, I think in Werner Herzog eats his shoe about when he came to America

he had KFC and he became obsessed with it. so much so that it was the only thing he ate for like a year or something like that? Oh, and what story would this gentleman like? Oh, he's a fat guy. Oh, the KFC one. Werner used the KFC one. Well, we know exactly when he meets Trump.

Or fucking beeline it. When he meets Larry the cable guy. Exactly. You know, Larry, we are not too different. You and I, we both have that carnal instinct for the chickens. I was able to stop my addiction. You clearly have not. So then it's just this thing where, like, the Chicago FBI dude is like, hey, Larry, you really covered my ass. Thanks a lot. Hey, want to be part of the FBI?

You're like, what the fuck, man? You're the best FBI agent, Larry. And he's like, no, that's cool, man. I'm going to go back to the swamp. But we got a blue rose case for you. And like, this woman, Madeline, is just like, Larry, are you sure you don't want to stick around? I was like, for what? Come on. Well, this is his choice now. Is the FBI and fucking Madeline for the rest of his life in Chicago or going back to Jenna McCarthy in their Ace Ventura home? No, man.

She's going to be like, she wants to see a foreign film or something. No thanks. Yeah, you know what, man? I'd stay in this town, but their trains run above your head and it freaks me out. She looks like a shower every day time. I'm a shower every month tap.

And then just the end of the movies, he's back at the diner. Jenny McCarthy gives him a milkshake. They start making out. At some point in the movie, the sheriff, we go back to the sheriff, he reveals that he always wanted Larry to take over for him.

Because he is so old, blah, blah, blah. That's the thing. And actually, Larry even says at the end of the movie, he's like, well, I just learned I belong where I belong or something like that. Yep, that's it. Moral of the story, never go further than 20 miles from where you're born.

And now I can just start fucking commented on Fox News message boards. Or just really lean into the skid. Fuck around on Twitter. Or literally be on Fox News, which Larry the cable guy was. I'm a contributing editor at Bradport. Pretty soon, man. I heard Dennis Miller's going there now.

He was there already. I think he published something there already. That's awesome. You were always here. It's like a photo of all these fucking comedians that became right wing and his hands out. It's like you always here. Man, Dennis Miller wins the go-furt. fuck yourself

a word of the decade fuck that guy it's pretty bad Piscopos up there yeah Piscopos up there so it ends with like this 360 shot of the two of them

making out I'm just like the end of broken flowers yep and your mouth tastes like chicken and then we fade to black and thank fucking Christ

that's the end of the movie I didn't stick around or no I did stick around nothing in the credits no stingers no yeah I fast forwarded no Thanos down there nothing nothing

although the The funny thing is, I threw up one of the infinity stones, got to go get it. Oh, dig it out. I got the chicken stone. Also, though, one quick last detail that's obnoxious and kind of mildly offensive to anyone who's actually served in the military is like when he gets back to this diner, it's designed. There's a bunch of like red, white and blue banners. It's welcome home Larry, all this. More like red white and poo.

There is in the, first of all, just I can never skip a. thanos joke. I would love if it was the blue-collar comedy tour they're performing right? It's all four of them. And then fucking Larry and Foxworthy start, I don't feel so good.

Oh shit. Turn into leaves, man. I'd love it. But this movie stops fucking... I want it there. I don't want to die. I don't feel so good Ron White. Well, you see it actually makes sense that Larry had that reaction

because of his chicken sense. if you ever start dissolving because a purple guy snapped his fingers you just might be an adventure so yeah what are you saying Steve movie stops dead in the middle of it because again this is 2008

like this is post-Kratrina the Democrats took back the house at this point like everything you know what I mean things are shifting Obama's about to get elected but we stop it dead for this like ticker tape parade thing about soldiers. It has nothing to do with the movie.

That's right. I totally forgot about that. And like every, and like for the rest of the movie, Larry's actually wearing like a soldier. Yes. What do you call the ribbon there? He's got a ribbon.

It's not the yellow support the troop soldier. No, it's like a red white and blue ribbon or whatever. And there's this like weird one that's a fetish for somebody where to get out of the handcuffs in that one scene, Madeline starts using, she has it on too. She's using her tongue to get it off. And it's like,

This takes a while. Dude, and right, like, this woman has kind of a long tongue. Longer tongue, sure. And it, like, slithers out of her mouth. And the fucking score, like, she's trying to, like, escape these handcuffs. But for a split second, it's like, bough. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, I get it.

Well, and that's not, like, he has a camo flip phone. Well, that's, no one can see my phone, my infinity phone. Fuck you, dear. You can't see me calling in death. You can't use my minutes, dear. This way I can hunt and call into Rush Limbaugh. Can't take my unlimited texting, dear. Oh, my God.

So that's blissfully the end of the movie. Would anybody recommend? Witness protection? This is the most movie of all three of four, I think. Whatever number we're up to with Larry, I think we're four. This might be four. Is this four now? What's that we're done?

Tooth inspector. Yeah. Tooth inspector. That's a dentist. tooth fairy two we did jingled away to health inspector this is four four of five it is the most movie is it is the worst one it is it's really bad i it's you're clear it's almost the seeing is believing oh wow because it is i don't i haven't seen anything that is even as close to like representing what you were seeing at this time this was in the cultural

A Bush era culture 10010%. Like Southland Tales comes close. I know I'm the only one who thinks so. I didn't really watch that movie maybe. But this

really like I don't want you to watch this but if you needed a reminder of what that was all like or if you were too young to remember. Yes, this is what it was. Yeah, I would say never watched this. I watched Jim Cada

and Blind Fury instead. The director and writers work in the 80s, which was also fueled by conservative paranoia, I'm sure. But early work is definitely better. But those were fun and totally enjoyable movies, and this is not. Well, they had karate. They did have karate. And Jim karate.

That's true. I'm kind of going to take Cabin's response one step further. Wow, I did not see a split decision. I did not see it. This is a seeing and is believing. And I also think it would probably be a bunch of fun because, listen, I've had a lot of fun here tonight. Okay. I think it's a thing

If you got a group of friends together And watch this and ridiculed the fucking tits off it Sure It would be great It would be a lot of fun This dude sucks This movie sucks Its message sucks

Well his character sucks Dan Whitney might be a great guy Dan Whitney is not a great guy No Well he's never emerged And to public so I don't know Unless you go on YouTube And look at old Tampa's stand-up clips

From 1992 He takes off the fat suit like Mrs. Doubtfire. It's Michael Shannon the whole time. Whole time was Michael Shannon. That's Wittless Protection from 2008 directed by Charles Robert Karner. If you want more we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com. Find us over at the beautiful headgum network.

Rate and review wherever you get it. We'd greatly appreciate it. Find us on Twitter. Follow us on there, you guys, at WHM Podcast. Yeah, get that going. Rate and review the show. It only helps the show. Give us good ratings.

We get bad ratings all the time. We'll get at least three for this one. Well, I guess I can't like Larry the cable guy. No, you can't. How about that? There's plenty of stuff to like. Oh, epic fail. Hey, zero out of five stars, epic fail.

Hey, Eric, have you been to the mail room lately? Oh, shit. No, let me just. Oh, wait. Thanks, Morty. Thank you for this mail. Got it right here. That guy's going to die at his desk.

That Morty, man. Oh, my God. Here we go. All right. Whoa. News desk, guys. Holy shit. there we have a Patreon page

Patreon.com slash we hate movies and we've got multiple tiers on there. Boom, $3 tier that is the animation damnation you can instantly unlock I don't know, we're 21 episodes on a bunch of stuff including

this month the boss baby Netflix show. You're going to want to listen to that. It's about constipation. An episode called the constipation situation. Go up to the $5 level. You get our exclusive of monthly episodes. So far, there's been bright, man of steel,

Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance, jungle to jungle, and now available transcendence. That's right. Also, you get the back archive of the first like 100 something shows completely ad-free, re-edited and stripped for your

enjoyment. Strip for your enjoyment. Oh shit, like my chicken strips. And ladies. So, as in, that's what Larry likes, is stripping ladies. Stripping ladies and chicken strips. That's exactly right.

And the $8 level says right here. Yeah. Star Trek. Yeah. We talk about Star Trek. Oh, shit. The Nexus. But not just Star Trek, Eric.

Oh. Commentaries, my friend. Correct. What movies have we done on those? The Cloverfield Paradox. We've done. Rambo. Rambo the movie.

Twilight. The movie. The Twilight. The Twilight movies. at least twilight and twilight noon moon so far. There's going to be another one this year. Sometime in 2018, another Twilight commentary is coming. Right. And by the way, we're up to, I think, 21 Star Trek podcast.

So, you know, for a sample of that, maybe you'll, maybe it'll hit the feed soon and you'll get a taste for it. And the first 100 episodes on the five and up tier. So next week on the program, where are we going? Oh, it's, it's going to be an all-timer. It's happening. It's X-Men Origins Wolverine. That's right. Am I correct here?

Is this kicking off the summer blockbuster extravagance? It is. We're starting on Memorial Day Week. There it is. So get your hot dogs and hamburgers ready. We're going to be talking about all sorts of things. This movie's got Dumb Pool. Oh, yeah, it's Dumb Pool. That's right.

Dumb Pool in full effect. So until next week, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen, say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.