We Hate Movies - S8 Ep360: Episode 360 - Ocean's Twelve

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

On this week's episode, the 2018 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on as the guys talk about the pat-on-the-back, victory lap sequel, Ocean's Twelve! Why isn't there any real heist scene in this heist movie? Who thought it was worthwhile to hide Albert Finney's face throughout the whole thing? And who could care about this Julia Roberts/Bruce Willis gag? PLUS: Shredder got a tattoo WHERE?! Ocean's Twelve stars George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Andy Garcia, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle, Matt Damon, Carl Reiner, Elliot Gould, Robbie Coltrane, Eddie Izzard, Cherry Jones, and Vincent Cassel; directed by Steven Soderbergh. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And now on today's program, I hated this movie when I saw it, and it turns out I still hate it now. It's Oceans 12. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Say it, Ak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the program. Thank you for settling in with us as we record this fine evening, talking about Steven Soderberg's Oceans 12 from 2004. By the way, one of his worst.

In the Midwest, they call him Stephen Popper. or bird. Oh, jeez, that's awful. That's truly awful. Ladies and gentlemen, my uncle. I would rather have a Chris Garb, cabin, cheese fart in my face than hear that joke ever again.

All right, well, that's it then. We are, A, I liked it. B, we are doing this because obviously Oceans 8 comes out on Friday. Right. You're probably doing your Oceans Rewatch. Stop it at 11, and then go right to 8. I'm totally cool, 13.

I like 13. 13 should have been the sequel to 11, honestly. I do not, I don't think I ever saw 13, and Chris Cabin corrected me when we were on. Chris Cabin and I have some couch time before the show. Oh, yeah, dude, you guys just get together, huddle up for a minute. I thought that movie was Terry Bennett and Andy Garcia like, I'm joining the gang.

All right, let's do this heist together. That's kind of what 13 is. He's got one scene. He's literally one scene and he does nothing. He's on the side of the angels, though, I thought. He's teaming up with the boys, I thought. He's teaming up with the boys, I thought. He buys them a drill.

Like, he's not, like, in on the thing. All right, let's go to Home Depot. Gentlemen, gentlemen, by guns, be by guns. Can we get a staircase over here? We have to get all the way up. Yes, I do have a gift certificate. George moved that Nespresso machine to the left. Oh, man, the Nespresso commercials already.

Those are on George Clooney's IMDB. That is the only thing he appeared in 2017. Burr Reynolds should sue those people. He's got, like, no money left at all. Yeah, what's his problem? I don't know what his deal is. Hey, I saw myself in a fru-frew coffee commercial. I never got any money for it.

It's certainly not in my IMDB. Hey, what happened to gum commercials? Do you remember in the 90s, they had doublement? Can you imagine me as a twin? I'm seeing double. How about double cars? You don't get Bert Reynolds in this movie? Let's spice it up.

Yeah, dude, honestly, that's somebody you could have thrown right in. He would have been right at home in a Vegas location like this. He's like an elderly safe cracker. Sure. Oh, yeah. Cracked them all, dude. Maybe he's Mr. Ocean Senior. Yeah. Would that work? Yeah, that could work.

No, he'd be dead. What? Danny's father? In this second movie, George Clooney was like 43 years old or something like that. Nah, he's dead. Also, as we know, in Ocean's which I am looking forward to you FYI. I'm totally pumped. Who directed that movie?

Ross, Gary Ross, of Seabiscuit fame. Okay. Sandra Bullock is Danny's sister. Yes. That's been really... Spoiler alert, she's his sister. It's in the trailer because she's like at his quote-unquote grave.

Carl Reiner is in it. Oh, is he? Yeah, there's a bunch of them that are in it. No. Yes. Goddain. Wait, did Danny Ocean die? No, I guarantee it's a fake death situation. It's like a mausoleum type thing, I think. Well, we're doing eight. We're definitely going to do nine and ten,

and I feel like ten's going to be everybody. It's going to be the greatest crossover ever, ever attempted. Danny Oceans of Vampire. Ooh, C.G.I. Bernie Mac. That's what my wife pointed out, actually. In a movie where you have both Carl Reiner and fucking Elliot Gould farting around, who saw Bernie Mac be in the first ago? I know. It's a shame.

By the way, the Lord Almighty, just take that computer nerd. yeah nobody wanted that guy Bernie Mac is great and he they should have focused on him more it's like he spends most of this movie in a jail karate in jail doing nothing

zero the plot of this movie I guess which will be this episode but it's really just nothing you want no it's actually pretty impressive what they pull off here because the whole gang manages to lie down on their backs hell yeah

flip their legs back up over their shoulders and they all suck their own dicks for two hours and five minutes. Interesting. Dude, this is the victory lap. Nobody was asking for.

Fuck this movie. It's absolutely a victory lap. It feels forced. It feels so forced. Like nothing. There's no heist movie in your height. There's no heist in your heist movie. No,

it's one of these like, oh, it fucked up. Oh, actually, no, it didn't got you. It all happened off camera. Now here's the credits. Don't you feel stupid? Bye. Here's Albert Finney and fucking Catherine Zeta Jones for no reason.

Here's a freeze frame on Catherine Zeta Jones. laughing to end our movie. I will say, I mean... We all had a good time, didn't win. I mean... She's laughing. She's laughing all the way to the bank, fucker.

She's laughing. She's not in this new movie, right? I mean, I haven't checked. I don't think so. She doesn't deserve to be. And neither is Julie. Oh, Julia Roberts? Julie?

And I call her Julie. Oh, you guys... Are you friends with her? Like Bruce Willis is? Dude. I mean, I guess we'll get to that eventually, but I was a fuming in the theater.

I mean, there's no reason for a plot synopsis. It's literally just a sequel to Ocean's Eleven. We start, and it's Danny and Julia Roberts Tess are living in Connecticut. He's trying to buy her something nice. He goes to a bank to do something, but he's sort of casing the bank. You can tell he's a little... Actually, no, I'm sorry. The beginning is actually the best scene in the movie is the Brad Pitt and Catherine Zeta Jones scene.

And that's the movie I want. Wigs are us. He's looking particularly like 1999. They do a good job. The other flashback, I thought I spotted a fashion mullet. I might be wrong here. Oh, you might be right, actually. I think they're both wigs.

They're both, it's all wigs. But they make him look exactly, speaking of Julia Roberts, exactly like he looks in that movie The Mexican. Yeah. He's dressed almost exactly the same. And that movie was like, what, like 2001, something like that? 2000, 2001, yeah. And like he's basically like, they're living together.

It's like Rome three years ago. They're living together. It's like, and I mean, this movie's well directed because it's Soderberg. It's all snappy and popy and fun. It all looks great. The camera work is awesome, and then you just realize you're still watching Oceans 12. And the editing is really slick, too. You know what I mean?

So it's him, and he's like, yeah, by the way, how is your day? We find out she's a law enforcement officer. She's very close to cracking some big heist that has just happened. She found hair of the guy and blah, blah, blah. And like, it's Brad Pitt realizing that he's going to get sunk, and he kind of sneaks out the window, freeze frame. We start in the credits. One hell of a Salsam blue plug. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah. And you still never tried it. I remember that about you. You never used Selson Blue. I still have it. I never did. I've never had a dandruff problem. Oh, boy.

Yeah. A little rich boy over you. I mean, listen, some of my hair might be falling out, but my scalp's never fallen out. I am rich in flakes. I don't use Selson Blue, though. Well, maybe you should start. No, I'm a head and shoulders, man. Well, well, can you start?

Head and shoulders. If you're listening, I'll take some free stuff. So, yeah, we cut to Connecticut, blah, blah, blah. This is when Danny is, like, going around. He's like, you can tell he's kind of a bit restless because the old gang, something, something, something. Something, something. Also, by the way, he's going under the alias McGill Diaz.

Okay. I mean, it's fine, but come on. Yeah, I was waiting for the banker to be like, excuse me? Your name is what? How is this pronounced? Well, it's all a joke. It's not like, this doesn't take place in a reality

that is concurrent to our own because he also says that he's like, oh, yeah, he's a wealthy, retired high school basketball coach. It's all meant to be a, ha, ha, they don't exist. And Julia Roberts is at home. They're having like a ted-a-tete about like when are you coming back, blah, blah, blah. She sees Andy Garcia in her driveway, which nobody ever wants to see. Steve, I'm sorry, that's not Andy Garcia.

It's Count Dracula. Bram Stoker. these outfits he's in in this one. He looks like Gary Oldman in that movie. I didn't get a chance to rewatch 11. I mean, I saw it like three months ago. He's not dressed like Dracula in that, right? No, he's just dressed like a vaguest trash bag?

But a little bit. He's got like Ascars. I crossed oceans of time to find you, Daddy. Oh, Ascot? So he's dressed like Peter Bogdanovich? Oh, yeah. Well, like Peter Bogdanovich had more of that rugged quality with his askots. This is all like silk assholes.

Oh, I see. Not an outdoor-esque guy. No, but strictly an indoor asker. He's, I mean, the fucking out, he should have an enormous key that he's using. This is a fucking steampunk outfit. It's ridiculous, dude. If he's just like,

if he opened an umbrella and flew up into the air to an awaiting airship, I wouldn't have blinked. That would be great. I'm like, all right, I'm Julia Roberts. I'm here. And I want to make sure nobody heists my airship. Oh, those oceans boys off my airship. He's got a scarf that's always,

floating even when there's no wind. You think I'm bad? You think I'm bad? I'll get the other casino owner, Sephiroth down here. I got a buster sword. It's enormous. So it's weird. Bouser has a ship now too. He's seeking the $160 million that they stole from him.

But it's a weird thing where like instead of like there's an inciting incident and then like, you know, like Danny Ocean and Rusty, whatever the fuck, have to get the best. band back together. Rusty Ryan, by the way. Oh, right. Rob Ryan's brother.

He's the third Ryan. It's Rex, Rob, and Rusty. Yeah, and they all have foot finishes. No, he's like, he gets the band back together. He goes around to every one of these motherfuckers, like the specter of death itself, and is like, you gotta get back in the game.

Yeah, well, it's weird, because at the end of that first movie, his last lines are like, run and hide, motherfucker. Right. And he gives this whole, like, Goodfellows-esque speech. If I ever find him, want to pull your teeth out, shove him up your ass, and that whole, like, thing about, like, I will murdering. Oceans 12, colon, teeth ass.

Much better movie. Like, they just start finding crew members with their teeth gone. And they're like, wait, where's their teeth? Oh, wait, what? It's, they're falling out of his asshole. Wow, that guy meant that literally? That's pretty impressive. That's why they call me the tooth fairy.

But that's what it should be. Like, maybe one of them dies in the beginning. That'd be fun, right? Oh, sure, the computer nerd. They eat so much fucking time with him just standing in people's apartments. Oh, my God. Not just him. And it should open with the one with Rusty because there's an explosion at least.

Oh, right. And that's how they opened the trailer. And I was like, okay, hooked. Yep, exactly right. There are stakes. He's going to kill somebody. He should kill somebody. But it's not just Andy Garcia that looms in doorways.

He's got twins, Guy Fierry's next to him. And one of them... In one of them is massaging Bernie Mac's feet. Really? Yeah. Did you not count... This lady is massaging Bernie Mac's feet. And he doesn't notice that fucking two hams start punching his foot.

I thought she had manhams. Bernie Mac is going on this monologue about Jim Crow, by the way. And he's just like... What? Chili? Is there chili in here? Who's eating chili? Who's eating chili?

Who around me is eating chili right now? Are your hands clubbed somehow? But the weirdest thing, the weirdest line is Terry Benedict's line to Frank, Bernie Mac is like, every time I see you, Frank, you're always playing the race card. Yeah. And I'm like, what? How often are you seeing this guy? It's crazy.

I think in 11, there's a thing with him and Matt Damon that's pre-planned to trick him. And I guess that's what he's referencing. But it's kind of weird to put that. out of context in a sequel years later. And also to say, and to contextualize it as every time I see you, he's like, didn't he work for Terry Benedict and then, yes. As Ramon something, right? He had a face identity or whatever.

Also, there's a line somewhere around here from Andy Garcia, and it may indeed be the line of the movie where he goes, I'm not the only person in the world looking for Oceans 11. Yeah, dude. Come on. Yeah, there are only seven oceans, buddy. Right? Is that right? Or is that seas? Anyway. I am just going to take this boat around. Take this airship into port.

I just don't. So like... Excuse me, someone stole my airship. I had a chest of gold. I honestly think... And some cogs for my... The rudest... The absolute rudest Terry Benedict interruption in this opening montage is he totally ruins

Casey Affleck's rehearsal dinner. Yes. Like he's marrying some woman who you never see again. Sure. And everybody's... Just wait until he's done toasting. Seriously.

How are you going to get away with this? How did you get into the back room of this red lobster? They rented it privately. You threaten a guy. You're done in front of fucking 50 witnesses. It's a huge table. But also like he's traveling around the country,

around the world, just to be like, you've got two weeks. But like two weeks from when? From the first guy or the last guy? There's a lot of fucking plane travel around. I didn't think of that, but you are absolutely right. Connecticut to Utah, shoot me in the head. Matt Damon's in Chicago.

Yeah. So what are we doing? He could have just made his money back by not going to all these places. Fat guy. Oh, fat guy number one. Are you kidding me that we are stranded here? I have to intimidate someone in 24 hours. He's fucking buying seats for fat guys.

Hey boss, I'm fat guy number. too, get it straight. You booked us at O'Hare, not Midway. Holy fucking shit. Wait, what do you mean? You're too fat to fly. Wait, you're getting kicked off? We've got to go threaten a guy.

I have to buy both seats. We're renting a bus. Oh, my God. It's damaged John Candy and Catherine O'Hara driving to intimidate Matt Damon. I hate polka music. Also, one of my fave details about all this is Yen, who's the Chinese gymnast. Yes. That dude is essentially living like Bojack Horseman at the beginning of this?

I love, I love, I want the whole Yen movie of him like being coked out. He's the only one that makes sense. Everybody else has like fun imaginative whatever's. This guy is a f-he's a coaked-out loser because you got $10 million and he doesn't know what to do with it. Oh, he knows what to do with it. He's snort it. He's snort all of it. By the way, this guy's filmography.

Yeah. Three movies. Really? Ocean's 11. Ocean's 12 and Ocean's 13. Wow. Bing, bang, and boom. You didn't do like stunts or nothing?

Didn't do anything else. I think he's like literally a gymnast. Yeah, he's like a Chinese acrobat kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, they found him. I don't wear. I forget where. He's actually pretty good.

Yeah, he's good. He's really good. But yeah, it's just him like, this girlfriend is chewing him out. She's like, every time when they come over, blah, blah, blah. It's like, clearly the night before it was crazy. What I want is Terry Benedict is coming to go see Yan. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, and he's all coked out. And he's like, yeah, sit down,

Terry, sit down, Terry. And Alfred Molina is in the background throwing firecrackers. You turn that shit on his head. But we're still playing the foreigner tune. Yes, exactly. What's your price for? I forget that. That is foreigner, isn't it? I believe so.

No, motor, no, motoring by. Yeah, Sister Christian. Oh, yeah. Is the song. It's the song by Night Ranger. Oh, Night Ranger. And the song's Sister Christian, but the chorus is motor in. Got it. I think.

Someone will correct my before the tweets come. But yeah, so I mean like other, yeah, so Casey Affleck is getting married. He gets, uh, fucking Don Cheedel's criminal accent in all three of these movies. It's so bad. It's like, just don't do it.

Just do not do it. No, we would miss all of the fun slang. That's so great and entertaining. Oh, really? Like, oh my God. I love that you meet him in a recording studio and he's like producing some shit and literally the only scene in the movie he has is Jared Harris as

like the studio assistant. I kept on expecting him to come back at some point. Why wouldn't you? It's fucking Jared Harris of course. But I mean like imagine having the balls to do that terrible British accent in front of Jared Harris. He's got to be like, hey man can I give you some tips for this shit?

No, okay. Now listen, I've done speaking of bad British accents, listen to this. I'm not getting millions of dollars. It might be better. Go ahead. It's just like, I was dubbed in Lost in space. You don't want to get dubbed.

They should have dubbed him. Get fucking Vinny Jones in there. Oh, the track they were producing was Dubstep. That's like the gag. It's like there's a bunch of bleeps in there. And every time they say, fuck, they bleep it in the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. With like a buzz from the other studio.

No, it's a phone ring. It's like the nextel noise that you remember from the way back way back on. Oh, God, the chirps. Oh, God, the chirps. Hey, it's me, Terry Benedict, I'm chirping you. Why did you? You up? Hey, you up.

Please respond to my chirps. Thank you. I'm chirping you because I want you to pay me $90 million. What a fucking, what bullshit thing? What does he get off? Just kill these. You've got two weeks to do it, and there's like mysterious reasons as to why, but like, literally just kill a couple of these things. I have an even better idea.

Yeah. Why don't all these people who have fucking years in the criminal organization? Sure. Find one of the assassins they know to kill Terry Benedict. That's easy enough to do. Totally, man. Get some blood on their hands. Eleven on one.

You're telling me none of them, Noah Hitman. That huge fucking shit stain from the first movie comes back in this one for two seconds. You know that guy's taken a life. Please. Please stop kidding yourself. His organization is, as Chris has said, two guy furious. You can get past that. Oh, yeah.

Easily. Just leave a couple steaks out like dogs. Which guy? His two, Terry Benedict's fucking handlers, Goon 1 and Goon 2. Yeah. I'm saying they could be thwarted with Stubby and plump.

Stubby and plump this fall on CBS. They'll take it. But yeah, they have two weeks. They all kind of get together finally and we're all in a room and like, hey, by the way, you know, we owe him two.

We owe him all the money plus it, which is actually $198 million. They kind of come to the agreement that they still have about 100 million left, so they need 100 million to go. And I'm like, good Lord, this is when we have the argument about Oceans 11. Like, not only did Terry Benedict say it. Now, everyone's like, well, why are we Oceans 11? I didn't get a vote on that. Yeah, and I'm like, please fucking kill me.

And was that listed in like the Las Vegas Sentinel or some shit? Like that, you should have seen that, right? A newspaper whirls around, and it's like Oceans 11 vanished. or some shit. Well, no, it is called the Bellagio job. Yeah. Because even, like, Catherine Zeta Jones later on, like, telling, like, I think these guys pulled the Bellagio job in 2001.

And I'm like, in 2000, which one got more pressed? The Bellagio job? Or 9-11? Or 9-11? You know, which which crime got more... Oh, Osama bin Laden? I heard he pulled the 9-11 job in 2001. Osama bin Laden owes me

$160 million. And I'm giving him two weeks to get it to me. With Vig. Listen, here, you Saudi man, bastard. I had $100 million in the World Trade Center. I just had it there. I rented an office. I had it full of hindoes.

I ever came to me a half. I stacked a few in the shape of a man. I thought it was kind of cute. I'm on the phone with Osama bin Laden. Run and hide, Osama bin Laden. Run and hide. Because Terry Benedict is after you now. That's right.

I'm after you. Okay, Morgan Spurlock, go get him. Man, that movie was fucking stupid. Man, that guy is fucking stupid. Totally. That career, right? My God. Oh, he's over.

Yeah, he had like some sex stuff too. Oh, yeah. Yes, that's what I'm referencing. Oh, yeah, that's right. No, I mean, I just meant like he also, like, his career was just tanked anyway because he sucked. He ate hamburgers. He didn't find it up the hamburgers, too. You got to remember that part.

Oh, really? Afterwards? Oh, yeah. In that one scene, did he do it all the time? He must have done it all the time. time, though. That's how he kept trim. Vomited up this stuff. The McDonald's, like, stuffing your mouth

with McDonald's for fucking, how long was it? 30 days. Come on. Everybody knows this. Hit that failed TV shot 30 days. Also called 30 days. But wait a second, though. Are you saying that whole thing was bogus? Like, eat the shit and then throw up? No, no, not like constant. He's a crisis actor. He didn't really eat those McDonald's.

If you eat McDonald's, you look like me, Alex Jones. They realize, and also, I don't understand why all these people are in America. Like, you pull a job like that. You go, You're in Europe. You know, you're in Europe anyway. Like, just get the fuck out of America. Well, that's like Elliot Gould, dude. He's like across the street. Like, he's still in Vegas.

Well, the thing is, he doesn't know about Oceans 11. I think at the end of the first movie, he only knows about Danny Ocean. What? He doesn't know about the heist. No, he knows about the heist. He doesn't know how many, all the people that involved in him. He knows Danny. He does not know the team. Oh, he specifically.

No, because I think, I think, what's his face? The Knight Fox informs him on the team's identity. Really? I think so. I don't think he knows who the whole team is. There aren't scenes in that first movie where he's like sitting with everybody? He's talking with Danny and Brad Pitt about it. Oh, yeah.

Yes. When did you, I rewatched it like a week ago. I like two weeks ago. I met a green dad's question mark. I mean, he might know Rusty. He does. He talks to Russ. I think so.

Over the phone only because that's the bit at the end. They come to him at a pool and try to convince him to do this. Yeah, not Elliot Gould. I'm talking about Terry Benedict. Terry Benedict. Oh, I thought we were talking about because I just said Elliot Gould was in Vegas.

I thought we were guling it up right now. Dude, Eric and I are Goulding out over here, man. What are you doing? Welcome back to Goulden out. Dude, actually, that would make a pretty good podcast. Tonight we're talking, getting straight.

Yeah, just talking about Gould's film I would love to do that. Yeah, getting Gould. That's what it's called. Fools and fools, ghouls. It's definitely fools' gould. And then, by the way, you just every, like, so often,

you sneak in an episode of the podcast that's just some movie about ghosts or you just do some ghouls do some friends episodes oh sure get those in there so so so Terry better okay yeah he he's totally clueless

you're right yeah but that's the thing is like what I don't know I just feel like why give them time also why not kill them and see like why don't they just be like hey you know how we tricked him that first time and no one had a problem ever since It's like, why don't we just go off the grid again and move?

Like, yeah. All right, now I live one block over because this guy's a fucking Mickey Mouse, nobody. You have millions of dollars. You can change your name. Come on. Yeah. You could do whatever you want. Anything.

Literally, you could murder people and bury the bodies and people will be okay with it. Well, that's what Terry's been doing, presumably. Also, they did change their name, man. Miguel Diaz. Yeah, come on. Make it a little bit believable. So Brad Pitt. suggest they all go to Amsterdam.

Oh, but we should talk about the Tofer Grace scene. It really irritates me. Yeah. Because it's just... At least he's in Oceans 11. He plays himself. He's researching, like, cards for a role.

Yeah. So... There's a little bit of Molly's game kind of thing. Huh? What? That's like a Molly's game joke. Like, because Molly's game was going... The movie... Aaron Sorkin movie.

Yeah, I didn't see it. It's about celebrity... It came out in 2001? No, but the real... thing was happening that. Wait, what? There was an actual Molly? There was an actual Molly, and she played a game of poker. Really? I thought that was a drug

reference. Wait, so this woman was like teaching celebrities poker? Yeah, that was setting up big games for them to play. But how was that a movie? I mean, I didn't see it. So they can play privately without anybody else. All right, what celebrities are in this? Uh, well Michael Sarah plays some character.

Toby McGuire. Toby McGuire is also there. Steve, uh, jobs in there at all? Or like, What's Aaron Sorkid? You get Fosbinder to play him. No, but that's what I think. That was the Danny Boyle movie, wasn't it? Wait, yes.

Oh, wait. No, but Sorkin wrote that script. Oh, Sorkin wrote that script. My God. Anyway, I'm just so fucking confused. So you're saying it's steampunk. So Toby McGuire is in a hotel room. Tover Grace.

Tofer Grace is in a hotel room. Now, that's all picked up. Fucked up. He's trashed it. And he drops like, Three or four Tofer Grace specific jokes that no one could ever get. It's like, oh, man, I quit the show and you have to be like, oh, Tosa Grace is on that sound. No, no, no, no, everybody got that instant.

At that show was fucking massive. Did they get that he phoned in that Dennis Quaid movie, which is a reference to in good company? Yes, that one. I remember kind of liking when it came out, but I might be wrong. I haven't watched it. I mean, I don't have like a passionate feeling about the day. Well, no, there's the biggest fuck you to us in our album. alma mater of all time in that movie

because that's because the end of the movie is like Dennis Quaid's like well I don't have any money or whatever and Scarlett Johansson playing his daughter's like oh yeah that's okay I don't have to go to NYU I can just go to purchase and I'm like fuck you I might as well ride

the subway as a pub and go to a state school she was going to go to purchase yes she was going to go to purchase and be in the film program and then the fucking Sophia Coppola movie took off Then she realized she was rich and famous and then acted to degraders.

It's just this fucking, oh, I guess I'll just slum it at a state school. Fuck you. Do you have a lozenge? It won't help. Man, if imagine, all right, so Scarlet Johansson goes to SUNY Purchase. And she's the fifth mic on We Hate Movies. Yeah. That's how that would have worked out.

And we hate movies. Better podcast. It's a couple of facts. guys and me, Scarlett Johansson. Hollywood never was. What do you mean you don't like Halloween two? It's the same movie. If you like the first one, why wouldn't you like the second one? I agree with Scarlett here. I actually do like Halloween too. Not the Rob Zombie, but yeah, I like Halloween in the hospital. Is that what she was talking about? No. Is that what she was talking about that conversation we just made up?

You know, the only voices I do on the show is in the Saw episode, I do Danny Glover. That's it. Oh, God. So they go to Amsterdam. We should go to Amsterdam because I know a guy.

Because it's legal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude, that's how you hash out a plan like this, pun intended. What I love about this fucking plan, too, I don't know if we're even there yet. Eventually, we get to this point where it's just like, All right, I'm Danny Ocean

And we're setting up this big heist First, I need a guy to build a diorama For days on end It's got to have two weeks It's like if they put enough effort in this fucking model I cannot believe how intricate it is He goes to see Rob Cordry And he says, you got a miniatures man

It is Robbie Coltrane by the way A Coltrane It's an excellent model It's an amazing model All I can think about is when Doc Brown's like, excuse the crudity of this model, I didn't have time to draw to scale or to paint it. But here's the thing about that. I mean, to your point, it's that first movie, it's like,

Don Chiedel does explosives, Matt Damon's a pickpocket. You know, blah, blah, blah, Bernie Mac knows the gambling industry. Now we're all just sitting around in a room and we're basically doing improv everywhere. That's all it is. This entire bit is improv everywhere. It's a fucking no-pants subway ride. Every con is just a comedy. It's all talk.

We're going to need 12 people to ride the subway in their underwear. God, I hate that shit. I hate that shit so funny. It's going to be so fucking funny. Casey Affleck, you've got the hat this time. I like your brother everywhere to degrees. Dancing in Grand Central, whoa. But that's what it is.

I mean, that's all that. Take that squares. that's all that they're doing in this movie. It's not like, it's not a smart heist where everyone's skills are in play. No. That's why we need 11 guys.

Bah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, we're just keeping everybody together so no one gets murdered. By the way, Carl Reinerd bows out of this movie, which is kind of cool where he's just like, look, guys, you know what? I'm too old for this shit. You guys enjoy it.

I hope my last check bounces. Goodbye. Yeah, he's like, like, just blowing through all his money and he's basically like, yeah, Terry Benedict, come fucking kill him. me. See if I care. I'm literally a hundred years old. You want to give me a Colombian necktie? Just do it.

I would love to see that. It was on the show of shows. I certainly shouldn't live to the Obama era. Like, you know what, dude? Just go for it. Oh, yeah. The Robbie Coltrane thing, that's another an annoying bit where they're

like, they're doing like a speaking in like codes. They're talking. I read this in the trivia. It's lyrics from Kashmir by Led Zeppelin? That's what Matt Damon does. Is that old... So they're all like just saying bullshit lines or whatever.

And then Matt Damon's like the newbie who wants to have like a bigger role in the plan. So they're like, all right, come meet Robbie Coltrane with us. And they're all like talking bullshit. And then Robbie Coltrane looks at Matt Damon and he just says a line from cashmere. Because then they leave the bar and George Clooney's like, cashmere, really? Yeah, right. It's just him doing the one line. But I just am tired.

of Matt Damon and this baby shit he does in this movie. He's like six years younger than everyone else and it's like, oh, Jimmy, G. Willekers, Danny, can I shine your shoes? Dude, I'm like, you're 35 years old. Matt Damon to be like walking in like a town square in Amsterdam and like his backpack

zipper breaks and all his notebooks fall out. Oh, no, my studies. One of your friends from Pickpocket School clearly got killed at some point. You have to have some edge. I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't buy that at all. He comes from a family of professional fucking thieves. Fagan had to beat you up

one time. I'm sorry. By the way, so two things about Matt Damon. One, he did not want to be in this movie. He had just done one of the warrants. He was tired. He was exhausted. He was like, could you write me out of the movie? Or at least give him like a lesser role or something? Yeah, but Soderberg talked him out of it. But apparently

the Tribune, in the first movie Mark Wahlberg was supposed to play his character but backed out. And then I think maybe it's a bargain. That's why we have three of these things. Because we evaded that. Then as a bargaining chip or whatever, they're like, we'll bring Mark Wahlberg back to play your character.

Whoa. Kind of a thing. Wait, so Mark Wahlberg would have just stepped in playing the same person. I mean, I think that's on the IMDB. We know that's spurious. Well, no, that is the world's most trusted news outlet. It's the IMDB trivia. At this point, yes.

Yo, bro. Yeah, no, Linus Larrabee spent the weekend of Boston and he came out looking like me, bro. Oh, shit. He was working out. Yeah, I'm from a family of crooks. He went to a socks game and fell into a vat. He fell into a vat of Sam Adams and came out like that. Hey, Danny, can I bow out of this one?

The Pats are on. What if my character just loves sitting around watching the Pats? And that's his thing. Yo, Linus? My name's Linus. Bro, that name is gay. I'm Gary now. Yo, Bash your talk.

Come here for a second. You'll come back. Yo, what's a deal with Yan? Is he Vietnamese or what? Because my radar's going off. All right, that's fine. You sure? All right, I'll check back which is tomorrow.

Because you know, I did a hate crime against a Vietnamese guy. You understand him? There's a great line where they're all crammed in this hotel talking about nothing. And someone is blocking Elliot Gould's path to the toilet. Oh, yeah. To which he just says, otherwise, I'm going to shit on your feet.

The best part of this movie, honestly. It was a legitimate laugh. Let me tell you. There's a couple of them here. Like, this movie is a comedy. You know what I mean?

And some of the jokes hit. Some of the, most of them don't. What's the, there's some like, there's like some Miller's crossing. Like they talk about Miller's crossing in this movie. Oh,

it's like them cry every time, man. It's the John Totoro part where he's about to get blown away. And I don't know why it comes up. I think it comes up specifically because Albert Finney's going to be in the movie later. So it's like, that's kind of what we're doing. And also they're going to be executed. Oh, right. Yeah, they are about to be executed.

Boy. If only this movie was a choose your own adventure. Robbie Coltrane hooks them up and they're about to do the first job, which is actually not very good, which is a $2 million job to steal the first stock certificate ever from this agoraphobic guy. From the man who framed Richard Kimball. That's right, Chris. I knew you'd get that. Oh, really?

That's that dude? Oh, sick. It's nice to see that guy's still working. You've scraped your results. Wow. Somebody loves the fugitive. It's a good movie. That's a real put it on and sit down.

I'm confident. I can say this, in no uncertain terms, I have not watched The Fugitive in like 25 times. Oh, what a mistake. I haven't seen in age. I would say top five hangover movies easily. Yes. It might be the cream of the crop.

I might fight you on. No, all right, you're right. You're going to fight us. Shawshank is up there. Fugitive is one. I think Ocean's 11 is two or three. I think Ocean's 11th is definitely a hangover movie. The ultimate hangover movie is actually good.

I will see what's great about Ocean's 11 is all their antics actually lead to something. Like it's all in aiding of the heist. And this movie, it's just meanderer. Well, it's constant work. Like what Soderberg is so good at is showing labor. Like, Magic Mike is so good because they show him doing the roofing stuff. This is how you actually make a living this way. Whereas this is just like failure after failure.

And all your doing. It's failure and leisure. And backstory and nonsense gabbing at each other. So it's this guy's agoraphobic. And so he never loses house. How are we ever going to steal this thing? They decide to raise the house in some such way. Right, because they're trying to line up like this little Batman gadget.

They're going to shoot a crossbow into a window to hit a certain spot. But to raise the building, it's stupid. They like so stupid. They manipulate the line of sight, is the idea. They have to buy these things from what I imagine has to be bowing or something to fucking put up the building. And I'm like, who are you, what government are you colluding with to get this material? That's a good point. You're also spending more than $2.5 million to do this.

Is this the thing that Robbie Coltrane hooks them up with? He just hooks them up with the job. He hooks them with the job and the idea is like, we'll do this job, then he'll get us a better job next week and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, right, because that's their initial approach to all this is like, it's the penny jar method. Yeah, we're going to do a bunch of gigs until we make up this 160 mill or whatever it is. We're intercut with Catherine Zeta Jones, who's the head of Europol,

who is like, by the way, the world's greatest criminal is this guy called the Knight Fox, blah, blah, blah, put that in your back pocket. Can I say, I think she's really good in this. She's good. I think actually the new recruits are the best part. And I kind of think they should have just fucking, like, Danny finds out they all got massacred. I agree with this. And he has to get a new team.

Because the best part of the first movie is being introduced to everybody for the first 40 minutes. And then the last 40 minutes is the gay. It's the same thing with this movie, except for it sucks. But I mean, like, meeting new characters for specific purposes. Right. Yeah, there's not enough new blood in this. Like the 12th person is just. Julia Roberts. Oh, is she ever?

So they do this thing, and Catherine Zeta Jones is like invest, the heist goes fine, they get the thing or whatever. No, they don't. Oh, they don't get it? They open it. Oh, it's already stolen in the Night Fox. That's right. The Night Fox, by the way, the way, what he does, his trademark is he leaves a little

figurine of a Knight Fox to say you've been had by the Not Fox, because it's basically that Simpsons gag. The cat burglar. Oh, right. the night fox also wears sneakers for sneaking listen you want me to get you one of these tiny little fox figurines

that you got to order 500 I'm sorry I don't do small shit saclar blue the minimum order quantity is ruining me it's ruining me my goodness I have to pull 500 jobs just to do it but they do successfully raise this building

and get all that shit but then they like leave it all and Catherine Zeta Jones is like on the case and she's like, oh, I know exactly how they did this. Are there a bunch of stilts under this house? And she like recalls some other job where this exact same thing happened. I hate this. I hate this movie for the super thief garbage. Because the first movie, it's like, here's a clever way we robbed a casino. And this is just like getting into the mythology of thieves throughout the years and oh, the super burglars. It's a great idea because it's the idea of like it's not just

one man's job. You do have to have a bunch of people doing different things and it's a perfect symbol for filmmaking. You have to have a bunch of people doing a bunch of things to make a movie. Maybe in America, but in Europe we have Super Thieves. I'm surprised they don't have a John Wick Esk Hotel of Super Thieves.

Yes, it feels very John Wickish. Hey, that hotel movie that's coming out with Sterling K. Brown? Hotel Artemis. Is that a spinoff of John Wick? No, I think it's just the same idea just done in the future. Oh, it's in the future? I think so.

Because John Wick made money, you see. So then everybody has to make movies like it. Oh, yeah. I thought it was like, isn't it, it's like a hotel in John Wick, or it's like a hospital? It's like a hospital for assassins. That's what I just thought that this was. I mean, it's a hotel in John Wick. It's a hotel and John Wick, but this is a hospital.

I did not watch the trailer yet. This episode is recorded before I watched the trailer. Wait a second, though. So the movie is called Hotel Artemis. But it's a hospital. But it's a place where you get treated. Like Jody Foster's some crooked doctor. Oh, my God.

My fucking head hurts. So, speaking of making your head hurt, this movie continues. They've been had by the Night Fox who's played by none other than Vincent Cassell. That's why we were doing such a bad French accent. Vincent Cassell is great. He's great in this movie. He's great in Eastern Promises. He's great in Black Swan.

He's great in Lane. Kate. Oh, yeah. Read my lips. Anyone see the Brotherhood of the Wolf in the last 20 years or not so much? I've always hated that movie. I mean, you're probably, you're totally probably right. When that movie was coming out and I was a younger, younger man,

I was like, this looks fucking awesome. It looks like Mortal Kombat now. Then it came out and I couldn't get to the theater right away and everyone told me how terrible it was. So I was like, I guess I can't go see it. And then I never watched it in my life. Did we go together, Kevin? I saw that movie in the theater. I saw it in the theater and I remembered liking it, but I have not gone back. I haven't seen it in 20 years. Graphics are legit Mortal Kombat level. I loved it. But that was also during the time when I loved the movie The Boondock Saints. I liked edgy movies that were independent in quotation.

Like the snuff film. Independent. And that one's also a foreign film. You're just going for it then. Oh yeah, dude. With Mark DeCascos of Only the Strong End Iron Chef face. that's what fuck I better guys I gotta go home so anyways he is the night fox who is known to be the greatest living thief and he kind of summons Danny Ocean to his abode he's like some millionaire and he does

it just for fun that's an obnoxious thing he's a baron yeah he's like royalty and it's like I am just so bored I'm going to be a world famous thief too now that's what uh fucking prince Harry is up to when you know

we don't know about it though oh yeah dude that's all his secret missions he said he joined the armed services like french thomas crown horse shit like stop it so uh he's like you know my my uh my uh and lamarck is actually in kent zota jones a very belabored speech uh she refers to the greatest greatest thief is guy Lamarck who's presumed dead he's like you know my my my uh my mentor is the word i'm looking for um Lamarck had was having conversation and they They said that the Bellagio job was the best job anyone's ever pulled. And that makes you, Danny Ocean, the greatest thief. But I said no.

And what he did was he ratted out, Danny Ocean and his team to Terry Benedict, asked for two weeks. And then within this two weeks, he will have the best thief in the world contest. And if Danny wins, he will pay back Terry Benedict. But if he loses, he will not. And it was Jerry Weintraub who dropped. who said this to Albert Finney and it comes back in the third movie. This stupid

scene. Who's Jerry Weintra? Jerry Wontraub was the famous producer. He just recently passed away. Yeah, but so what did he say to Albert Finney? He's the one on the boat telling Albert Finney a bellagio job was the best job I've ever seen. Oh, I did not catch that at all.

And it's a stupid scene that nobody would remember, but in the third movie, he comes back and references it. Albert Finney does? No, Jerry Weintraub is a huge part of the third movie. I don't remember that at all. He's the one who's bringing all the

investors to Al Pacino's bank and him and George Caliniard. It's a lot. I just remember Al Pacino Bebopin and Scatting all through that movie. He's doing quite a lot of it. And Ellen Barkin's trying to fuck Matt Damon and there's something about fake faces. Matt Damon's got a disguise on? I don't think I ever saw that movie.

He's got a big nose. Does Ellen Barkin play anyone's girlfriend? Because in these two movies no women are allowed unless you're somebody's girlfriend you're only allowed to be in the movie unless you're somebody's girlfriend she's obsessed with Al Pacino she's kind of his girlfriend and she's trying to fuck Matt Damon eventually yeah yeah that's weird but she's not tied Spanish fly on

oh right yeah there's a lot of weird stuff going on in that movie yeah a lot of it so he challenges them to steal a Fabrije egg in Rome and that's kind of when and this is an hour in by the way because there's been a lot of fucking around. There was that whole fucking Venice sequence that went nowhere.

We get to see Brad Pitt in like 12 shiny shirts. They could have called this movie 12 shiny shirts and the first one was 11 shiny shirts. This is a wardrobe that only makes sense on the backstreet boys. Yeah. He kind of looks like a backstreet boy. Oh, sure.

Also famously, this character's got like the tattoos that go up his wrist and whatnot, which leads to a joke somewhere in this movie. where, like, George Clooney and him are talking about, like, his past relationship with her, and he's like, oh, yeah, I tried to get that tattoo removed, but the doctor said because of where it's located, he would advise against it. Yeah. So I'm pretty sure he's got a dick tattoo with, like, Catherine Zeta Jones face on him.

You know what? It's underrated the scrotum tattoo. Oh, right. Yeah, you got to keep it shaved. I think the only, the only scrotum tattoo you could get would be crank. Oh, that would be a great one. But you'd be there all day. Shrater, I'm getting cancer.

You should get screened. You'd also bleed out before the end of the day. Shrada. I have a beard. Shredder, I'm looking like an old prospector down here. You'd better trim. I was in the pool. Wait, so is it Shredder's nutsack?

Oh, wow. Yeah, that would be the ultimate affront to Crang. He's just like, no, B-Bop, do it. You do tats, right? You do jailhouse tats, right? Oh, dude. I wanted to look like Craig, so every time I know he's my fucking nut sack. A great adult bit they could have done in Teenage Mutiatorals is that body he's in, like, it breaks and like in the crotch region.

And then Crank falls down, and then it's like, oh, shit, he's hanging brain. It's like a little cring. Hanging crang. Yeah, a little crang. Part of crang is hanging out of this broken thing in the cod piece. It's disgusting. Yes. It's fucking gross.

That'd be an interesting way to go for the fourth teenage mutant ninja turtle movie. Bebop, don't help him. I just look at him. He looks like testicles. Yeah, David Cronenberg's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Thanks for coming out to this New Jersey VFW Hall at 4 o'clock on a Sunday. This concert's going to be awesome. Up next, we have Shredders, Nuts,

But basically Brad Pitt is doing the George Clooney role in so far as he's making the job personal, which you're not supposed to do. Exactly right. And involving his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. You've got to leave that shit at the door. You've got to leave it at the door. Is that just like the first movie? That's exactly like the first movie. Oh, my God.

And so Captain Zeta Jones gets wise to them. She arrests Bernie Mac from the movie. like Bernie Mac gets arrested from the movie. He's never to return again. He's in movie jail until the final scene. He's shown being released and that's it. Goodbye. And it's not even like a fun, interesting like, oh, while you thought he was gone, he was done.

No, while he was gone, he was literally just in jail. Yep, that was it. He just sat there for 65 minutes. Maybe that's when the Bernie Mac show was going on. Maybe it was a scheduling thing. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. He should lead this movie, honestly. At some point,

this is a bit of a problem they put yen in a suitcase for no reason oh it's not a suitcase friend it's a duffel bag and there is a reason right because he was he was made or something so they can't show him in public so they're trying to transport him to another city but the bag instead of going to barcelona goes to madrid or whatever but somehow he eventually gets reunited with them he gets delivered to the hotel in a bad like Jesus this dude should be dead yeah yeah yeah go ahead. He bends in half to get inside of this thing. You're instantly dead. By the way, they shove in fucking Cheetos and fucking Oreos in this. When you open this bag, the smell would fucking rip the paint off an airport.

Do you think was he in a diaper or something? Yeah, it would have to be. It would have to be. I want that like Brad Pitt's like, by the way, just in case. And he like passes him a thing that depends. Yeah. Don't even like extricate the shit and piss from it. The smell of the armpits and the general odor. Well, just from all the food, the farting. My God, the farting. Well, you know, they do like a lot of cute names in this thing.

It's like, oh, we should do a three-eyed monkey or a, you know, we'll do the blind man's bluff or whatever the hell like thief gags. So this one was called the Dahmer travel because you put a tiny man inside of a suitcase and carrying him around like he's nothing. Actually, quite specifically a tiny Asian man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also known as the Bernie Lomax. But yeah, he should be dead.

Also, like, I know you're limber and you can, like, bend like that for a minute. But for hours or days, like, you know, you're done. It is like days. It is ridiculous. Permanent back problems. Yen is done. He's going from, like, what, the Netherlands to Spain and this? Come on.

Come on, come on, man. He's on a conveyor belt at the airport. Yep. But also, like, so all three of them are made. It's Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Yan get made. they put on baseball caps and sunglasses and shove this poor fuck in a suitcase. Like, you know what, dude?

Get him a fake mustache. And here's the thing. I remember in the first movie when you stuffed him in a box. Don't think I forgot about that. You stuffed that fucker down deep into a box and now he's stuffed into a fucking bag

that you carry hockey equipment around here. Don't you love this movie as much as the first? They wind up... Yeah, so the idea is they're going to steal this Faberget egg and now we go, we cut to who...

is the 12th of the Oceans gentleman, Eddie Isard, who's getting, right. Like, he's in the movie, but he's not in the movie. Yes. And by the way, this movie, it's the early 2000s for sure because the big breakthrough. Eddie is employed? Yeah. No, the big breakthrough here is like hologram technology. Like, that's the thing.

So he devises this little platform where it's like they will do a flawless or seamless this like swipe of the egg while this fucking hologram of the egg is activated. It's kind of like an Indiana Jones Idol thing. Which I just kept thinking like why don't just get a fake egg? Yeah.

Wouldn't that be cheaper? Yeah, but it wouldn't go as smoothly. They're going to pull out like a frigging laptop to set this thing up. Yeah, that's actually true. I'm very clueless how this. Yes. That's what it looks like.

It's like, I'm like, wait, how did this work? Wait, okay, so she impersonates Julia Roberts. We'll get there. But, like, how does this work? They also start planting that seed quite early on where they're like, don't you think Tess looks like, you know? And they're like, uh-uh, don't say that. She gets so mad.

And I remember sitting in the theater being like, there's no way that they're going to like bring that back and it's going to be she looks like Julia Roberts. There's no way. Like maybe she looks like some other world famous thief they know. Yes. No. No.

No. But then again, why would you say, something so stupid unless you're bringing it back. So Catherine Zeta Jones is obsessed with catching them. They evade her by killing their friend and leaving with fake sunglasses. She forges some documents to get a warrant out on them. Yeah, she works outside the lines here, dude. And we keep getting intercut this like breathless montage of way back when, when they're like,

when her and Brad Pitt met in wherever the fuck. And by the way, like, that's kind of. of the movie that I want. Just the two of them sitting around a hotel room, fucking each other's brains out. Like, come, can you imagine what the Thomas Crown Affair is? If you're going to do

breathless, do full breathless, he's got to get murdered at the end of this movie. Oh, totally. Just shot in the street like a dog. Spoiler alert for breathless. He's 50 years old. Or 60 almost. But also, in one scene, I think it's the part

when she meets Brad Pitt in the current time, Timeline. In the current timeline, she meets him in her hotel room or whatever. And she's wearing this red outfit. And I'm like, oh, shit. They should have made a Carmen San Diego movie with Cassadena Jones. Oh, it was right there. It was right there. It was right there. Yeah. Aren't they making a Carmen San Diego movie? They've been trying to for a while. But they should just like they couldn't get the, they couldn't get it to boot up. They lost the third disc and now the game is useless. We're trying to install it by a floppy drive. Did you guys watch that show?

Oh, yeah. The cartoon, yeah, maybe. No, not the cartoon. Wasn't it like a game show? Well, there was also a cartoon. I didn't watch that. Oh, yeah, I'm totally right. It's a thing.

I thought this was the case. It's, um, Junior Rodriguez from Jane the Virgin. Oh, that's cool. It's Carmen San Diego. I'm in New York. Is it a show or a movie? According to IMDB, it says, it looks like it's going to be a cartoon because it says she's doing the voice.

I want live action. Yes. Yeah, totally. What the fuck? What the fuck? Seriously. My God. My God.

We could do. Any other big studio. You're looking for something to go up against Ocean's 8, a female-led fucking hijacks, a heist, a hoist movie? No, no, no, no, no. Society deemed we have to play where in the world is Matt Lauer instead. Not anymore. Yeah.

He's at home doing nothing. House arrest. Where in the world is Matt Lauer's button? I fucking hated that guy. What are you talking? Ill-gotten button. No, he had a button that, like, would lock the door to his office. Oh, right. What a fucking maniac. This guy's, you know what?

Electric chair, honestly. For the fucking first second, I saw that creep. I knew he was a no-goodnik. Also, by the way, speaking to creeps, this is guaranteed to be probably not that great. The Carmen San Diego thing is at Netflix. Oh, that means they don't care. Come on. The boss baby cartoon is so good.

Oh, good gracious. Chris Cabin, have you seen that Benji yet? I have not. There's a Benji. There's a Benji. I know there's a Benji remit. On Netflix. Yes, there's a new Benji show or movie on Netflix. You would have never known. Is it a limited run series? I think it's a movie. The end

of it, he gets put down. That'd be awesome. Old Yeller. Benji's final run. Oh, wait, it's a movie? I think it's a movie. Benji, the hunted for good. Yeah, it's him up against Benicio del Toro. Oh, shit. I'd watch that. Shredder. Who did you hook

up with last night? I'm on fire down here. I don't even sit on that. I just, I don't know. I wanted to get it in there. You know, before the record was closed on this episode.

Gotcha. You know what else is definitely a super 2004 thing that is farting all throughout this movie? The endless fucking French jokes. Oh, right? Like, once they figure out...

Well, it's artie. It's very... This is like an artistic film. Because it's got French references. In Italian as well. It's fucking, it's like this close away from like freedom fries type shit. Oh. What happened? Why did they not make a freedom fries?

No, no. He's asking you for example. Yes, please. Oh, I don't remember. It's a lot of just like frog this, lo, ha, ha, all that. It's just like, so it's like, oh, the, the night fox. He must be a pussy because he's French. Oh, right.

Yeah. Stupid shit like that. And he's fucking a lot. That's the big thing. He is fucking a lot. That's Vincent Casell, dude. He's fucking. now. Vincent Cassell is

fucking something right now. Well, the most impressive part of this movie, which is kind of like, so they make their own plan to, it's the Ocean's 11 plan to get involved, to, blah, blah, blah, blah. To steal this egg. And they're like, okay, you do this, you do that. And we do a bunch of like, oh, we'll do a three-headed

monkey, blah, blah, blah. No, what we're going to do is we're going to do like inner space. We're going to shrink down and we're to steal that eggs yoke. They should do something crazy like that. They should just go all in. You know, there's not like, an actual egg inside of Faberjeet egg I know that was like a Simpsons joke

but it would taste delicious it would be Cadbury or up so decadent so but they're about to steal this egg but Vincent Castel calls Catherine Zeta Jones and he wears a fake mustache and I feel like if you're like the head of Europol you can spot a fake

mustache a mile away you should be able to you'd think that if you're part of like this huge police organization it's a classic European crime put on a fake mustache they would be able to spot it. Doesn't he have his hair all like tweezed out too? Because he's supposed to look like the shut-in.

Oh, I see. Because it's supposedly he's the shut-in being like, Oh, I know. Oh, hey, I think these guys did it or whatever. Oh, no, no, no. He's, like, isn't that supposed to be himself with the insurance? Yeah, no, he's pretending to be the, like, he is the baron, whatever the fuck.

That's his real name. Yeah. But he wears a fake mustache for no reason. Oh, oh. And wacky hair for no reason. That is so dumb. He was like Dr. Wiley a little bit. He does.

It's like Dr. Wiley, the college years. He's getting laid all over the place. He's like, yeah, you know, someday, you watch what I got coming. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to chase a small metallic man to the end of the earth. I know. Like, I want like a Pirates of Silicon Valley type thing with him in Robotnik. Yep, yep. Write it up.

I'm into it. Sell it to Netflix. God damn you, Robotnik. You stole it. my idea for a huge metallic case with a bunch of chicks in it. No, not those kinds. You waste your time trying

to kill a robot boy. I've been hunting a hedgehog for years! You don't even know how to make a squirrel a robot, you pussy. Have you ever tried to capture a three-tailed fox? No.

He tried to make a woodman. What was that about? He was run out of it. shit. Robot dog. Really? A robot dog. Oh, what's his name? Ruff? You're a genius. Yeah, dude, they ran out of

Mega Man villain ideas real quick. Real quick. Woodman. Yeah, he throws leaves at you. Oh, I don't know. Screw man. That's a good one. Top man. Brick. Brickman. Those are all sexual, by the way. Oh, yes. You're right. He was Log man. Oh, Wood is also

sexual. Yeah, yeah. So is a log. They're both like a penis. Or you're into shit play. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. So, but Vince Gassel drops a dime on Danny Ocean's plan, and right when they're about to enact it, most of them get arrested except for Matt Damon,

Don Cheadle, and I believe Scott Cohn. Scott Conn is a genius because he was like, dude, I'm going to television. I will be on the worst TV show, and I will stay here for 25 years and make $3 billion. That Hawaii 5-0 check must be. be so not like that show was on for so fucking long it's gone it's gone now i mean it was like six or seven seasons it was forever that thing was on i will admit to watching like the first

season and a half or show i mean grandma's is a bit of a no i mean it was just like serialized cop stuff so it was like you put it on while you're cooking or whatever hangover tv yeah it is we've crossed over man hangover tv we just came up with a million dollar idea but i just like the dot con looked at his cards and he's like, yeah, television. And he was smart. Well, he's also very smart because he was like, yeah, sure, I'll totally be in this movie. He got a, you know, Soderbergian Ocean's 12-sized paycheck to do nothing. For three movies.

Yeah, he's got. But at least in the first one, he's got, like, way more lines than this one. Because the only gimmick he has in that first movie is him in Casey Affleck, like, snip at each other the whole time. And they're just like bip-a-b-bit, like back and forth, which they also do in that. 13 again but this movie they don't have many scenes together yeah so that's not there so he's literally just sitting around doing nothing the one season the one scene you do get with that is when they fuck up uh vincent because missing vincent cassel go in and steal the faberge egg that's like the only scene you really get of them doing oh right because yeah they're like either kvetching

with each other and he goes around him or behind them or something oh uh if you don't talk for a month i'll give you a million dollars yeah can you do that can you do that isn't this funny Don't you think that's funny. Hey, everybody. A audience. Hey, Joe, Joe back there. Do you think this is funny? Meanwhile, the, you know, master thief is on the rooftop during this scene, which they're supposed to be seeing. So it's just the three of them and they're like, well, and this is when it gets the fucking jokey jokes get really jokey and really jokes. Where it's like, oh, we can do, you know, the three-legged hustle. It's like, not enough people. We'll do this. How are you going to train a cat that quick?

look at the camera to stop for five minutes this is also more of that fucking like master thief playbook garbage is this like oh wait what about tests we'll do a it's a looky loo inside of a badger trap all these fucking fake words

dude I bet you're working with Julia Roberts is a lot like stepping into a badger trap man you gotta be careful I'm sure she's lovely but she's particular apparently both Catherine Zeta Jones and Julie Roberts hated each other and would not be on set at the same time. Is that right?

Yes, they had to be like separated. What's the beef? Who knows? Fuck. That'll be on season 10 of feud. Oh, I would love that. Set in the oceans of us. I would love it. Dude, are we making another season of feud? They are, I believe, right? I thought they were. Yeah. I don't know who it was.

It's Stalin and Hitler. Oh, yeah, they had quite the beef. Originally, they were okay with each other, but then they, you know, these pre-Madonnas. what's the thing with Charles and Diana who gives a wait what

who gives a fuck so they were fighting a lot huh well they don't they get divorced you know what Eric they fought so much they even got divorced that shouldn't be allowed

I guess because that fucking cursed church of England that's because somebody needs a version of the crown timeline will be between the divorce and her death oh perfect so here we go

the main reason reason we're doing this episode is the total snake eating itself which is Julia Roberts Matt Damon calls up Julia Roberts is like look you've got to help us out you've got to come from Connecticut to Rome right now even though this movie

takes place on a two-week timeline and like honestly the timeline doesn't make a whole it doesn't make any sense so she flies all the way to Rome and they're like on the way they're like we'll tell you on the way when they're in a car they're like by the way you're going to have to be Julia Roberts because you look so much like her

And I mean, like, you think that there might be a cultural revolution on this country where we actually toppled a rich. If it didn't happen after Oceans 12, it's never going to happen. Watching this is so infuriating. The way that she's treated and the way that, like, everyone needs to be like, oh, my God, it's Julia Roberts. No, it's amazing. Like, all of these people are bending over ass backwards to accommodate this fake person.

And then Bruce Willis shows up as himself. And, like, usually, like, when you do that. do a bit about an actor playing themselves, there's a joke about that person. You know what I mean? It should be like, he's vain. It should be one scene, not five. It's he's vain, he's sex crazed,

he's, you know what I mean? Maybe he eats a lot. But none of that happens. He's just like a guy. What's the release date? What's the year of release of this? 2004. 2004. The joke that they go for with Bruce fucking Willis is, here we go. Hey,

I knew the ending to the six cents before the movie was over. That movie that came out five fucking years ago. Yeah, that is pretty stupid. But he's just around like, oh, hey, Julie, how's it going? There's, like, things where like, oh, you think he's going to, like, catch on, but then he doesn't. Well, because he's like, I thought you were supposed to be in flubidoo-to-bow, and where's your husband doobit-dab? And, oh, thank God, I ran into you in this Rome hotel lobby because my daughter left her SpongeBob Blank.

in your fucking Florida house and flibbidi blap dobiddy bow and it's supposed to be like the funniest shit. It should be she runs in a lial love it. And he's like Don't you remember? Don't that's do us part Julie! Do you just do us

part! You could totally fake that you just get Tom Waits you give him a Kramer wig and you don't need that he used like special effects to squeeze them together a little bit Hey bitch! Make him

Also I gave you my heart Bruce Willis went on to do this same exact thing in that horrendous Barry Levinson movie What just happened Awful

Wasn't that what it was called With Robert Tenor And it's like an inside Hollywood movie And they're like on the side of Bruce Willis movie Garbage right Went trash a long time ago

Yeah he hasn't made a good movie in ages Is there any inside joke Hollywood movie series of jokes that's ever been worth a fucking damn. There's been a couple. Like, insider Hollywood movies, you mean? Like, Hollywood taking aim at itself.

The player is kind of the big one. Speaking of Bruce Wilson. Yeah, and he's good at the end of that. He's good in that movie. I think that's kind of like the shining spot. Like, yeah, are you talking about like where the people are actual people? Yeah, I mean, like, just, oh, you know what? Brian De Palma's the Black Dahlia. That was a laugh right. Hollywood really got slammed in that movie.

You could go back to like Vincent Minnelli. The Bad and the Beautiful is a really great movie. Vincent Minnelli and that's all about like a producer. That's supposed to be exactly like Howard Hawks. Yeah. Oh, you know what's a really good one too? Sunset Boulevard is very self-reflects. Yeah, okay. You know, so they do exist. It's just

not that Barry Levinson movie. Or this movie. And I just don't, it's, I don't think we can do them anymore. I know. That's, I guess movie, that's my point. Yeah, they're like pre-70s. It's, it's all right. I mean, I still. know I'm alone in the street. I really like Taylor Caesar. I thought it was fine. I just don't know that like I rewatch Cohen Brothers movies quite frequently. I don't know that I would ever return to

that one. But also I mean, I think I think that the idea is like people reflecting on Hollywood as it is at the time that they're making it is probably not so great. Yeah. I don't know how you would do like how would you do that now. Someone's like doing a Kevin Feigey sketch. Yeah. Yeah. It's just it's like Oh, it's, yeah, Chris Evans, and it's like, oh, man. Yeah, it's all behind the scenes of the MCU and all that crazy thing. Robert Downey Jr. is playing himself. Yeah. Hey, Chris, you want to be on my podcast?

Kathleen Kennedy's reading all your internet comments and weeping. No, no, in real life, she doesn't give a shit. No, she could care lies. Yeah, she's laughing from her money tower. I feel like she buys a computer a week to shit on. Like, she's like, all right, give me that guy's, internet comments. I'm going to shit on this computer. She buys computers

and she recklessly just clicks on things, unafraid of malware. Because she'll just get a new computer. It's like, oh, when you leave this website, better get Mac Scrubber. Click here for Mac Scrubber. Oh, I will. Who says America doesn't have royals? You know what? This game makes you play

come in 30 seconds? I am going to play it. I'll download this from Dart the clock. I guarantee. to you that game's been played in Buckingham Palace. I don't know, so like she goes up. She is pretending to be pregnant. She's got a pillow in her stomach. They're like, look, because

you're Julia Roberts and the world will stop when you show up. Then you can whilst everyone's falling over you will switch the egg and that's going to save the day. Yeah. And Captain Zeta Jones is already there and she's watching it. She knows what's up.

Because she can spot a pelican swap from a mile away, dude. She's... It's called the Pelican Brief. Oh, well done. They're all just Julia Roberts movie. We're going to pull a mystic pizza next. Speaking of

Julia Roberts' properties, another sign that we're going straight to the seventh circle of hell. I got a flyer in the mail the other day telling me, announcing to the world. That Julia Roberts was going to be on your block next week? No, even worse. Jenny from the block.

They're doing a Broadway musical of The Pelican Brief? Pretty woman. Oh, come on. Yeah, and like, it's kind of weird because of the thing it's like brought to you by Gary Marshall and whoever the fuck.

And I was like, he's been dead for a really long time. That's got to be creator credits only. Even from heaven. I'm signing the checks. Fine. Bring it to the Great White Way. See if I care. I'm dead.

How the fuck is Carl still down there. You better keep the Jason Alexander rape scene in. You better keep it in. Yeah, who's playing Jason Alexander in this musical? It might be Jason Alexander. He's a musical theater. You're a prostitute, and I'm going to have sex. It's a fun movie.

I'm buying your things and getting you off of the street. Normal people clothes makes you look human. Oh, mercy. So, yeah, I mean, like, so that doesn't work. Candacea Jones stops them. She's like, you're not Julia Roberts at all, blah, blah, blah. I just spoke to Julia Roberts on the phone. There is one scene which literally should have ended cinema where Julia Roberts is on the phone, as Tess, is on the phone with Julia Roberts as herself.

Yeah. And they're talking and I'm like, come the fuck on. I've never been more mad at a movie. But here's how it'll make even matter, though, because if you listen to what, like, quote unquote, real Julia Roberts is saying on the other end of the phone, It's not matching up with what Tess Ocean is saying to her. Oh, really? And it's like, it kind of does it parts, but other times, like, the timing is off. And it just doesn't, it makes no fucking sense.

It's so bad. Also, they throw in something. The gag here is Matt Damon is constantly insulting Bruce Willis. Oh, yeah. And there's some line where it's like Matt Damon's character, like, thinks that Bruce Willis has won an Academy Award or something like that. like Bruce Willis is like oh yeah

it looks like or like whatever it is and it's like yeah we get it you're a loser yeah I got that for Mercury Rising yeah

what would he have won an Oscar for Six cents no then like die hard too maybe oh yeah Carl Reiner shows up

yeah and he's just like around sure well he sort of like saves that moment anyway if Carl Reiner

comes at the end because I actually I haven't seen this in so long, I was like, oh, is Carl Reiner like the world's greatest thief and he never told anybody? Like, is he Lamarck? That would have been cool because at the beginning of the movie, he's still the only one that's trying to like play games because he's at some like social club pretending to be some guy. And Andy Garcia like gets his credit turned off or some shit. And they do the thing. All of his credit cards has been turned off. Terry Benedict sends his regards.

Which I'm like pretty certain only happens in movies. Like they take the little like receipt tray or like The tray with the bills on and they give it back to him. And it's just like a pile of cut up credit card. Nice. They don't do that I around, do they? I bought the bank. Oh, which one? All of them.

All your credit cards are canceled. I would love if the beginning of this movie was like the end of the Godfather and all of the Oceans boys are just getting murdered one. That'd be great. That'd be great. What a way to start an Oceans movie. You need a new team. And maybe there's some women on it. You don't have to go all women.

You could get some women. Yeah. Some. So Catherine Zeta Jones comes in and breaks up this very fun bit. And they all go to jail. And as if the fucking Matt Damon baby shit wasn't enough to begin with, Cherry Jones has to walk in to play his mama bear. Like, they all get arrested.

They're all in a big jail cell, which would never happen a trillion years. Because half the movie, literally, it's the rest of the half the cast that's been arrested. And they're just in a jail cell like, well, what do you think, computer hacker? He's like, hi, I have a joke. Bye. Man, something we did not.

And I know we're... Amanda Knox is in there with them. I know we're trying to wrap this up. But one thing we did not mention is at the beginning of this movie, when Andy Garcia tracks down this stupid nerd, he's doing bad stand-up comedy in New Orleans. Oh, my God. That's pathetic. That thing goes on for so long.

I love with it. It's so stupid. He's in a Matador costume? Yep. Costumes help for comedy. Remember that. That's a helpful tip. Much like thieves have a rule, but comedians too, and that's number one.

That's right. I'm a SUNY purchased grader, Scarlett Johansson, and I do stand-up on the weekends. Oh, boy. So, I think Bruce Willis would sound a little something like this. yippee kyei motherfucker so Eni's ways they're all arrested Cherry Jones

Mama Damon's And again like I never know how this stuff works in these movies Because she comes up She's like I'm the FBI And everyone's like well right this way the FBI It's like wait what She just storms into this place I need the thing of like the real FBI

Is like tied up on the side of the road Somewhere behind a bunch of bushes And she's like you turn these men over to me By the way Catherine Jones we know that you forge that document so you will now get in trouble how does Cherry Jones have that information great question I think she's actually FBI

because in the third one the father's FBI as well oh yeah probably Super Dave is FBI oh wow might be God by the way two things about the father oh big this is some interesting teed bits so one Clint Eastwood was supposed to be his dad what and he turned it down

but then they shot a scene with Peter Fonda and deleted it. Dude, the ball's on you to delete Peter Fonda entirely from a movie. I think that might have been the right choice. This is not far off from Wild Hogs territory. Dude, he just pulls up to Rome on a motorcycle. Let my son go. No, okay.

I guess I'll be going then. I don't want to be in any movies. Wherein I go to Rome? I have to be in America. I need there to be at least 14 derogatory terms in my lines. Wait, I'm feeling the winds,

and I think Bush isn't going to get three terms. I need to soak this up. I can't leave America now. Wait a minute. I just read this script front to back. Turns out there's a character named Yen. I got a script of Bruin. I'm going to spend the week.

get behind the type bar. Sorry, Steve. Clintie's got to go. I ain't doing a movie with no Chinese. Yeah. He'll only do anything if you can call him slurs about the entire thing. So, yes, they escape because

this woman just says she's the FBI in the Italian police. I'm like, there you go. Yeah, I'll take them off our hands as long as you promise they'll be executed. You know what would be great when they go to Rome if they enlisted the help of one Hannibal Lecter. Oh, that would be or one pope.

Well, that should be the scam, is stealing the pope's hat. Yes. How may I be a service to my best friend, Danny Ocean. 2004, I think that's what we were in the grips of the evil pope there, that crazy Benedict,

the Nazi pope. That means you're allowed to do all these hijinks against him. Yes. And it could be like a big thing, like every evening at 816, the pope puts his little hat down and he takes a bath.

It's like clockwork. The Pope's in a bathtub His little red shoes Walking to the bathroom at the top Oh no, flaw in our plan He's taking a shit Yeah, you got Bernie Mac Dresses a Cardinal

This movie writes itself This movie writes itself Benedict, that's my name Yeah, my uncle is the Pope That's why he's Pope Benedict And I'm Terry Benedict You know, yes I know That's not how Pope names work, whatever.

You know what he's got in common? We're both racist. We both are dressed with way too many buttons. We both dress like Dracula. I don't know. So they get away. Is your name Harker? They get away.

And basically, Brad Pitt goes up to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Look, I know that you've been looking for both your father and this guy Lamarck. Guess what? They're the same guy. And nobody cares because it needs to either be that movie or it needs to not be that movie. They don't focus on it at all. It's a bookend. It doesn't matter.

There's absolutely, the father is Albert Finney. There's absolutely no reason why he is shot entirely from behind until the very last scene. What the fuck? Like, we've never met this guy. And it's also just Albert Finney. I mean, like, not to be a jerk, but like, oh my God, it's Albert Finney. Look, I see that head of hair and that body shape. I'm like, all right, it's either Albert Finney or Michael Gamble.

Bon, either way, I don't care. It doesn't matter. Oh, God, it's so... She also thinks that... No, it's kind of a little more devastating, though, because she thinks that her father is dead. That's right. And, yeah, it's like, surprise.

So, Julia Roberts and George Clooney are very insufferable on the night fox's couch. And it's like, they're like smooching and, like, having a little champagne together. And, like, the night fox is like, oh, you lost that in the ocean. Let me tell you, by the way, the best part of this movie is when they all get arrested, you get to see Vincent Cassell's very impressive workout routine. Oh, right.

That's the best part of the movie to me, because it was part of a fucking heist. Yeah, yeah. The only person who does a heist in this movie is Vincent Cassell. He's dancing around all these lasers, much like entrapment, by the way. Yeah, oh, that's right, a classic film. He's doing Capoeira, again, much like Only the Strong. And similarly, in both movies, great bungs. Oh, man.

Fantastic buns Capital buns Vincent Cassell is fit as fuck in this movie Good god damn Oh isn't he Always That dude's some escargo

I'll tell you that way A crepe Melt some butter on him Man I'll swallow Well I'm like doing an escargo thing I guess I guess it kind of Leared into sexual Yeah just a bit

But that's okay Sexual in the window That's all right dude You didn't see it coming Yeah I too can make pun I like it. So he's like, this is how I stole the Fabrizzié egg,

and he's doing like a dance around laser beams. And this thing is bullshit, man, because they definitely specify earlier in the movie that like these lasers have no set pattern. They change at random constantly. There's no way a human being could react to these things like that. It's so ridiculous. Man, isn't it mouth-watering to just see it there?

Some training montage doing dance-dance revolution. which was time appropriate for this movie. Oh, yeah, man. But yeah, it's a fucking munch-tastic baguette there, huh? So he steals this egg. And he's like, that's how I stole the egg. Now you have to go to, like, I guess the outskirts of Morocco because Terry Benedict will find and kill you,

even though he hasn't done that, even though you were in Connecticut. Like, I mean, like, seriously. It's almost like nothing matters. But George Clooney's like, uh-huh. But did you know that this whole movie has been a farce? because we stole the egg in minute five and everything else has been horse shit. This is so frustrating.

They cut to Clooney and Brad Pitt talking to Lamarck, Albert Finney, and they're like, hey, he's like, yeah, he should steal that egg. What you're going to want to do steal the egg before I dry out. Don't you know me by my hair? Good idea. Let's do that.

The end. that's what we did the whole time they do this thing they're on a train it's Matt Damon Scott Khan and George Clooney and Don Cheadle and they do this like hijinks we're going to fake fight each other because we're wearing a Boston's

Red Sox hat and a Yankees hat It is a fucking fake fight on a train and they swapped the eggs and the egg that you saw the whole movie was fake and the real one was with Albert Finney the whole time Why bother any of it? Exactly

Why are we jerking off like this? Tell Vincent Casella you won and that's that. Oh, by the way, is that Matt Damon? Hey, Jason. Do you know I'm your creator? How you doing with those headaches? Wait, I didn't know Aaron was here. Your father helped me like that too.

I don't know. Oh, nope, I died. And Albert Finney is slippy. He looks like a frog. Get him, Alan Alda's Falcour. Yeah. Oh, I like it. Yeah, I'm just going to make a bunch of sarcastic comments to our team leader.

Yeah, great job there, Fox. Way to lead the mission. And then it's just Clint Eastwood as another part of the team. It's Flippy, yeah. Your father would be disappointed in you, Fox. All right, this chair is going to represent Andross. Clap and Ross. All right.

So the movie's pretty much over, right? It's pretty much over, man. We cut, so, like, Lamarck is shocked. He cuts Terry Bennett to bid fat check for $198 million, which, you know, he's not sweating. we cut to Terry Bennett to getting the check from Elliot Gould and he's like, well, I guess the problems are over even though I said this is going to be a blood feud. It really wasn't at all.

Nope. And you see Vincent Castell as like a window washer. Does he come up in the third movie? He's back. Oh, that's fun. Including a pretty fun flight suit or something that he's got. Yeah, he like base jumps off the top of Al Pacino's hotel. There's base jumping in the third movie.

Yeah, he's back. Well, because it's a thing where like everybody is buddies to team up to fuck Al Pacino's Pacino in the face. No, because they're fighting against them. Vincent Cassell and Terry Benedict end up fighting against him at the end of it. Oh, I thought they were all trying to fuck out. No, that's what I'm saying. Terry Benedict has literally one scene, like, when he actually does something with Bernie Mac.

And then it's like a bunch of like back, like flashbacks to him like, yeah, do that, Vincent Casale. I just, I just remembered them all fondly as being best buds in that last movie. Let's remember them that way. Well, let's remember the last scene of the movie where everyone is, you know, in a back room somewhere, and it's 2004, so you better be playing Texas Hold'em. I don't care what you were doing.

Stop everything and play Texas Hold'em. Absolutely right, dude. We were like knee-deep in the Texas Hold'em craze. You know why? Because we had a Texan in the White House. That's right, dude. He was holding us hostage. But I think it's a thing where we're back in Vegas,

and it's like a private room at a casino. Gotcha, gotcha. And like, and like the last person to come in is Catherine Zeta Jones. And I was like, yay! No, they don't, like, she comes in, like, all right, everybody. Oh, that's right. And then Brad Pitt comes in behind her, like, gotcha. It's bullshit.

We're all, like, drinking booze and, like, you know, it's a big, like, we have a laugh. It's a nice spread. It's a nice spread. Everybody's having some pretty good looking snacks. I think they have, like, a private bartender. Oh, I like that. That's really nice. It's high class.

Oh, you can just imagine the stories they tell. No. We just freeze frame on Catherine Zeta Jones laughing. I would rather watch them all play poker for two hours. Literally, get those dudes in a room and play... Get that Molly's game or whatever you were talking about. Yeah. How about jigsaws in that room?

Like, that room was just a trap. I'm Terry Benedictine. I'm hiring jigsaw. Cross me for the last time, Ocean. That'd be great. They all wake up, like, in a green room, and, like, everyone's, like, you know, all over in this crazy house. Brad Pitt has to, like, use it. a shiny shirt to get a key or something. You all have to stop

sucking your own dicks for 12 hours and then you'll notice you would outfit with chastity belts. You won't be able to get a direction or put your mouth on your own penis. Mr. Ocean. Brad Pitt kills himself immediately. Oh man and that is Ocean's 12 would anybody recommend it?

No, no, no, no. I mean like it is slickly directed and it'll trick you into thinking it's a good movie. If you're like if you've got it on another room and you're like doing something else, like, Oh, that's got to be a good movie. You know what I mean? Like, if you're watching it from the corner of your eye,

but no, it's really bad. It's so, it ruins that first movie kind of. Like, I love that first movie so much, but it's just so, just tepid and unnecessary. This should not exist. We were talking about this beforehand. The third one should be the sequel to the first one. Yeah.

And it works so much better than this is fucking worthless. Like, I don't know how much. Well, he did say, he, he, he, uh, Soberg said he would only spend as much as he spent on the first one. Okay. Because usually you would get a huge inflation thing. So he didn't waste that much money, but still like a hundred and something million dollars. He's not retired, right?

That was a bunch of bullshit. No, he literally just had a movie come up this year. But he came back. Low and Lucky, by the way, is a really good movie. This is a great movie. I have not seen it, but I did see. That's a hangover movie. Yep.

Unsane. Unsane is also really good. Oh, right. That movie. Yeah, not a hangover movie, though. Eric, which would you recommend? No, I would not. I would say, I guess, watch the first movie.

I feel like they should have just done one and done. Just do Oceans 11 and move on. But we can't do that anymore. Just like Jurassic Park, they should have just done one. There's so many examples. Cannot be done. But I will not waste your time here today. It should have been Oceans 11 and then Oceans 8.

Honestly, like, I don't mind this new idea. I think it could be a lot of fun. We'll see what the movie is. I don't know what it is. I mean, it looks good. I'm excited for it. This is trash. This movie is.

you know, it's like, you know, because I was mentioning this, I think on Twitter and a lot of people pointed it out, it is the Adam Sandler syndrome where it's like, I just want to take my friends on vacation. And it's just fucking Danny Ocean's European vacation. It's obnoxious. I think the last scene

they shoot is at where Clooney now owns. That's, well, I don't know if he owns that place, but the Night Fox lives on Lake Como. That's where Clooney's always hanging out. Also, that's going to be the setting of We 8 movies too. That is Oceans 12 directed by Stephen Soderberg. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com

or find us over on the headgum network. Write and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. What are you sitting on there, Steve? You look like you were about to say something. Well, he's about to tell us about our Patreon page. Oh, look at that. Patreon where we do bonus content.

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Scarlet's, can someone tell us the URL? It's a Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And what is our, no, we do an exclude. There's a $5 level where there's an extra episode. Bonus apps. That is, people are loving. I love podcast. And I love sitting down talking about cheesy movies, making a lot of jokes.

This week we're doing, this month we're doing Jurassic World. Wow, Jurassic World. We're breaking the 10-year-ruled, which us here at We Hate Movies, which is four fat guys. And yet again, Scarlett Johansson. And the other episodes include Bright Man of Steel, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance, Transcendence, Jungle to Jungle. Jungle to jungle, and there's more coming every month. Plus you unlock like over 20-something animation damnations. With the boss baby episode?

The boss baby episode. And that ain't all, folks. You get access to our old archive. You get to hear our old, old episodes with questionable material. All ads edited out of those. Oh, the good old days and a story of queens. Back when I, Scarlett Johansson lived in a story of queen. In the good old days, that's when I was on it.

Oh, good old Clint. Yes, the Clint Eastwood and Scarlett Johansson. We're ordering a bunch of Chinese food with us. We were greeting out watching, I guess, Halloween 3. And all those Thorough Birch movies. She's in the new Infinity War briefly. Oh, yeah, we have a Star Trek podcast at the $8 level.

There's a lot of good stuff. A lot of good stuff. And there's commentary tracks. You know what? Just go to the Patreon page, Patreon.com, slash we hate movies and see for yourself, explore, and say to yourself,

is this for me? Scarlett Johansson may apply or not. So Steve Sadek, what do we have coming down the pike next week? We're getting filthy with Triple X. Oh, shit. Yeah, I've been dying to do a porno movie on this show for years. Oh, no, it's a Vin Diesel.

He's in porno? We'll find out next week. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Scarlett Joe Hanson. Take it easy.