We Hate Movies - S8 Ep361: Episode 361 - xXx

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

On this week's episode, the 2018 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza gets EXTREEEEEEME with a ridiculous discussion about the totally EXTREEEEEEME Vin Diesel vehicle, xXx! Who thought Vin Diesel would make an entertaining, wisecracking, James Bond knock-off? Why was Eve designing Xander Cage an "underground website"? And what was with Vin Diesel's wandering tongue? PLUS: George W. Bush is on the hunt for some ice-cold Fruitopia!  xXx stars Vin Diesel, Asia Argento, Samuel L. Jackson, Marton Csokas, Thomas Ian Griffith, Eve, and Danny Trejo; directed by Rob Cohen. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues with a movie that's much dumber than I remembered when I saw it in theaters. It's Triple X. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Welcome to another entry in the 2018 summer blockbuster extravaganza. And that's right, it is Rob Cohen's triumphant return to the show talking about Triple X. from 2002.

Ooh. Now let me ask you guys something because the version I watch, I want to make sure I watch the correct thing. Okay. Because mine was just a bunch of people having sex.

Oh, no. You watched pornography. Oh, Eric, that's pornography. Yeah. Also known as triple X. It's also, man,

the thing I watched has so many endings. It was like, Return of the King with those climaxes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay, so then like

this guy and girl. Uh-huh. And there was a girl and a girl. Oh, wow. And then there was a guy and a guy. Okay. And I was having a good time. You watched, stayed till the end.

Recommend. Stayed for the stinger. Oh, yeah. I think, like, a nice, like, sub-colon, a subtitle for this Rob Cohen film. There was the sub-colon in the film I watch. I bet bend over and I'll show you. I bet you anything, though, you could have been like triple X colon, actual pornography is more entertaining. I was afraid to Google this at where.

work. It was a weird thing searching for it on Amazon. Well, two things about the title. One, that's why the big, the X in the middle is bigger is to distinguish it from actual pornography or an actual triple X rating. And secondly, they put a billboard up of this movie before, right when they bought the script. They were like, this is it. This is going to be the biggest fucking thing. We don't even know what this thing is. It's just called triple X and you're going to love it. I mean, to be fair, it kind of. sells itself. Does it? Sure. You put a poster up in a movie theater lobby. It has three Xs on it. Sure. All of a sudden, every dude walking by that is like, y'all figure that out. Yeah, because you also got that beefcake, Van Diesel right there, triple X right there. Like, I get to see that guy going what? Yes, please. They released it in like early August. There's nothing out in theaters anyway. It's so hot. Y'all be back for you in August. So hot and you just wander in there like, yeah, man. Maybe I'll see what this is.

Ooh, Sam Jackson, too. I like this. He's got a scar. That's dangerous. And then you got it from eating pineapple. And then you just realized like five minutes into it. You're like, oh, no, this is awful. Yeah.

Yeah, this is a kind of a James Bond Jr. Esk kind of situation. Yeah, yeah. It's like a new metal James Bond. New metal. It's a new metal if looks could kill kind of a thing. That's the previous episode there. a new metal

if looks could kill a extreme sports if looks could kill X game because that's I think also part of it right yeah it's like the X games Triple X games

Tony Hawk does have a cameo in this movie it's like when you have a we have sex with a helmet on the triple X games you don't want no concussion uh yeah this is the first uh Vin Diesel starring vehicle

actually really I mean he'd starred in vehicles before oh man I did it No. Toyota Camry. But Fast and the Furious wasn't really his movie. No, it was a Paul Walker movie. Yes, and then just stop everything.

Yes, I know. We should have worried about that guy more than we did, but we didn't. Wow, that being informed about that joke, not aging well, also hasn't aged well. So we should explain that for new listeners, maybe just tuning in because they thought they downloaded pornography like I did. But, whoa, was it a joke on the She's All That episode? We said, do not worry about Paul Walker because he was a wealthy white dude having a good time. Sure enough, he died. That's how he died.

So now we won't be like I having a good time. It's not true. It's not wrong. Now we really don't have to worry about him, you know? I just love that notion of like, oh, man, I wonder if they remembered they made that joke. Shit, I better tweet the guys. It happens about once a month. It does.

Yeah. At the very least. So yeah, we know he's fucking dead. let's get on with our lives. So we start as you, I think, which, now which Coppola Godfather movie starts with the Romstein song? I always forget.

I get them mixed up. Godfather. That's three. Oh, that's three. It's Godfather three. Only the best movies open with Romstein. It also does a bullshit, like the triple X's

like fly at the camera, kind of like a Bond-esque moving target opening. Sure. Just the slightest bit. they don't want you to whiff out right away that they're just like trying to make an extreme sports James Bond. They really like, they want to like, you know, sort of like tease that a little bit. But then this is what was really confusing. Not only does this open with Romstein, but

Duhast. It's like somewhere, it's like Austria, I think. Duhasmish. Duhasmish Gafrasch. Someone's got the lyric book in front of him. Dishat Dukes got sucked. I own that album. It's okay. I almost bought that album. Yeah, then you realized what a mistake that would be. Yeah, yeah. Although I think this is the song, I think this is a song from the second album. Oh, or like the second U.S.

deep dive. Romstein's still trying to make it happen, you know what I mean? The Deu Host money is drying out. They made a shit ton of money. Oh, are you kidding? Absolutely. Du Host was everywhere. You guys, we should do new metal.

Comedy does not work. I mean, like, if it was 2000, maybe we could do some new metal. Okay, so we'll do triple ass. Oh, they don't want us. No, but it's weird because a large portion of this movie takes place in Austria, so I believe this is where the film opens as well. Sure. It's, you know, an old Eastern European city.

Romstein is playing, and this dude is being chased through the town square by these other hoodlum-looking guys. And, dude, if you're not paying attention, you will think that you're watching Blade 2. I thought this guy was getting chased by vampires. And this guy looks like He's trying to look like James Bond Right It's so obviously the guy that dies in the beginning

The second you see this white guy Like oh this isn't going to work well Yeah He gets shot at a Rumsstein concert Which was my goal in 2002 Did not happen And then His corpse is body surfing

Which is a great scene But do you guys realize Who plays this role? No Thomas Ian Griffith Terry Silver No really? Oh what?

Was it like a Correct? Kid part three. Probably a scenes deleted thing or lines deleted. Like maybe there was like a line? Yeah. He has none. He has none lines.

Yeah. Holy shit, dude. What does it say here? Agent Jim McGrath. Do you think, so that's the thing is like, you know, it's a good fake out like, like casting Drew Barry more in Scream. I don't think anyone recognized Thomas Ian Griffith. No, no, no.

That's got to be at least a number two in the movie. because that's the guy from Karate Kid 3. What? He's dead. Hey, honey, Terry Silva's in a movie. You better get back here. He's dead. Or he's presumed dead. We'll see what happens. Oh, do you think a lot of people were holding a hope that he would come back alive at some point? That'd be amazing.

Or maybe like, they'd be like, all right, I know the first movie wasn't good. We're going to go see Triple X State of the Union. Maybe it's got Karate's bad boy, Mike Barnes. Yeah, dude. a fucking crowd surfing corpse that was kind of stupid. It's always funny when I just feel like yeah we've all been to crazy

concerts in our day. If you're fucking holding a corpse like dude this guy's dead and somebody better call the police. Yeah you would totally know. Austria or no. You would totally know if your body surfer, your crowd surfer is dead because you're not getting kicked in the head by

a flailing body. I guess that's true. Also, you'd feel it, dude. You'd be like, oh, this body feels 21 grams lighter all of a sudden, as if this man's soul left his body. No, I've never crowd surfed because I weigh a cubic ton. Now, Steve, you've crowd surfed. I've crowsurfed.

Recently. Yes, I, oh, you're outing me on the show. Wait, what just happened? You have experience with crowd surfing. I do not. So what is it like to having all those, like, hands up in your crannies? I was drunk at a rock and roll show in Jersey City about six months ago. It was Dave Matthews Band. No, is the World of Furner Friendship Society.

That's a rockist show. Totally. Yeah, I decided to crowd surf as a 34-year-old man. Was that the first time you crowd? The first and only. Wow, really? He's also buying a sports car today. You just signed the contract.

I thought your hair was looking blacker than usual. Oh, yeah, hair plugs are in. It's all happening. Wow. What happened? Did those hands feel you? you? I mean, it just happens so quickly, you know, genitals? Yeah. I mean, it's

just, you just feel like, oh, they're like, they're like, yay, okay, goodbye, podcaster guy. Does someone eventually put you down? Yeah, they set me down. Oh, well, at least you didn't have to drop. Oh, I'm a tiny man, so it's all fine. Well, I'm just saying, because I've dropped before. Oh, you've dropped. Oh, I've crowd served.

In my youth, though, not as a 30-plus-year-old man. So he gets killed, and then like these vampires in the balcony, all toastings. to evil. They really do. And people are just shooting up up there, too. They're having a real great time. It's a real lawless kind of club, dude. That's why

I thought they were vampires. We're toasting to evil. We're openly doing heroin. There's some sort of like vial of Little Blue something. Like, I guess that'll come into play later. Also, Asia Argento hanging out in this movie. She winds up being a bigger character later

on. So, oh, the assassin, this is, I wanted to say, the dude that pulls the trigger on Terry Silva here kind of looks almost exactly like Vladimir Putin. Oh, that guy, the guy with a cigarette? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he does.

And he kind of, he has like a small role throughout this movie, but this dude definitely looks like because, like, I bet you anything, Putin's got dupes. Oh, yeah. A bunch of like Saddam Hussein. Yeah, and Melania Trump. Yeah, definitely. So we go to D.C., and it's kind of great

because this fucking establishing shot of Washington, D.C. is as such. It's like, here's all the shit you know about this city. It's the White House and the Washington Monument and the Capitol building. And then it does this bullshit like super pan and then zoom in to some mountain fucking miles outside the city. And it's like, here's some place you didn't know existed. And it's like Sam Jackson, he's working for the NSA. And the thing is they're like, look, these guys hang out at Romstein concerts all of the time.

We need someone that looks like you might belong at a Ramstein concert. Exactly, because you can't have like an elegant James Bond-esque guy and going to these heavy rock shows, which is now where the world of espionage only exists. But I mean, like the thing is like, just get a guy, dye his hair, spike it, give him a couple of albums, and let's call it a fucking, get a real professional in here.

Uh-uh. Because Xander Cage, which is the name of Vin Diesel's character. he points out immediately when he starts this mission why he was the only man for the job because it's something about like to get in with this Russian guy who runs this group called Anarchy 99 by the way pretty cool very early internet of you sir know this because this dude's like a car guy

and Sam Jackson hands Xandercage a list of cars and you have to be like oh pretend you're this hot shot so and so who's buying all these cars and whatnot so then Vindiesel's like, I need all these cars on this list, please. And then Sam Jackson calls him and he's like, hey, what the fuck with all those cars on that

list? You were supposed to buy what was on that list and Ben Diesel points out, those cars were for losers and this dude would have seen through it right away. I guess like those were cars that only cops would buy. Those are cars that people who live their lives maybe half a mile or one

or two or three, even three miles at a time. Yeah, real losers. Yeah, you've got to do a quarter mile at a time. it takes trust me man it takes a while to get through this crazy life

but it's amazing because Sam Jackson is basically like excuse me director of the NSA what you need in this espionage situation is that's right

the scum of the earth so we cut to some restaurant where Xander Cage is pretending to be a valet and some guy gives you know it's your classic

your classic 80s scene where it's like this this uptight snob gives him the keys like I don't want to scratch on it leave it out of the sun I don't want it get bleached or whatever it's a red convertible with a bumper sticker that says skateboarding is illegal oh what you are doing is illegal you need this guy crowd surfs too he's got a little bit of midlife crisis he tried he tried it once and got a hernia uh also this dude is a thank you so much eric for letting it the world know that was a problem it is now what I thought it was I See, that's the thing.

Steve knew it was a problem and hoped he forgot he told you that. Because he did not tell me that he crowd-surfed at the World Referno show. What is wrong with crowd-surfing? Nothing. If you're a kid. If you're a child. No, I don't know. No, we're all having fun.

We're all having fun. We're just embarrassing Steve in front of the world. This episode is not coming out. So it's fine. I'll leave my life one crowd surf at a time. Here's what we do. There's a hernia. Andrew, you edit these things.

Go back and then whenever we, I say, or he says crowd surf, just go web surf. I was web surfing at the show. It would be a very odd bit then. Well, who cares? Also, it would be pretty pathetic then, dude, if he's just fucking surfing the web at a concert. We already got their download. It's fine. Too late.

You've already lost listener. also this dude is a congressman by the way very important deed state senator by the way oh is a state senator Henry Francis Oh no it's not Betty

This is my car Betty Don't let anyone scratch it Betty Betty Betty I just gave this Puerto Rican my convertible Because this dude definitely has the line He's like you get in this You speak English? And I was like man Even if you were certain

Vin Diesel did not speak English don't yell at people like this Did you Henry Francis popped up in the Waco show I was so excited Yes Betty

Betty that Koresh I don't know Betty Betty says he's the second coming of Jesus or something Betty I'm marrying David Koresh What you've read is true I am a 14 year old girl

Oh it's great on that show though dude because the guy Henry Francis is part of the cock up. Yeah, he's a real fucking idiot. Oh, he's ATF? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, fucking it right up. Fucking it up for Michael Shannon of all people. So he gives him the keys. Yeah, he gives him like, you speak English, that whole thing, which we love to do in this country. We love to ask that question. So it's just like skin color. Yeah, yeah. No one's ever came up to me and asked me if I spoke English. Absolutely right. Also, the reveal of Vin Diesel here is quite entertaining

because it's like you see this dude he's got the car keys you see like from the right hand side of the frame like a person take it with their left hand and then it's like the camera like kind of comes up and I believe this is where we see the tattoo on the back yes we do a triple X tattoo and a touch of evil shot totally fucking chrome dome and you're like here he is here is the fucking man of the hour and it peels out and we cut to a lanky kid in a Blackhawks jersey with like a broken eyes like, oh no, that's my dad's car. Yeah. That's Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Oh. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. Cameron. Cameron did it. There it is.

I haven't seen that movie in a while, by the way. It's worth rewatching. I think I want to rewatch it with that, you know, there's that fan theory. Oh, it's all in Cameron's head. we wish as he was. Oh. So maybe this.

So Cameron was dead the whole time? Or Ferris Bueller's not a real person? Yes. It's like a fight club scenario. Right. It's like him imagining the coolest dude possible. Oh. So maybe Xander doesn't exist.

And he's actually just a car valley. That would be pretty cool. This is like Sam Jackson. Like I wish I had a really cool secret agent. You would look a little something like this. I got a feeling if Sam Jackson was designing his own secret agent. in his head. It wouldn't look like Vin Diesel. So he's driving, you know, he breaks out.

The guy's like, oh, that's my car, gurg. And he puts on, it's the early thousands. Hell yeah. Jackass is huge. Fuck yeah. He's making a video now. Oh, dude, he's fucking filming. Yeah, YouTube doesn't exist yet. Can't kill yourself triple X style, baby. It's kind of awesome because he's also got a team.

So he, like, drives down this road, pulls over really quickly. so this team can like attach all of these cameras to his car. Yeah, it's like, I've never seen a car thief have a pit stop. And so it's like, all right, you're in the Xander zone now. Is it Mr. Congressman Dick something or other? Yeah. You think you're trying to outlaw cool video games, skateboarding, chewing bubble gum, and rock and roll music. Not me.

I'm 35 years old. Guess what? I'm going to cut class tomorrow. Dude, I mean, that's a thing. I mean, you want to talk about me crowd surfing. This dude is 35 years old. Yeah. Vindy, that, he's too old for all of it.

But dude, there are like people older than us that are still making money of shit like this. I mean, like Tony Hawk, who is... That's because they started. That's because they started young. Started it young. You know, like, who knows? I mean, how long has Zander Cage

been making these sick videos? Oh, that's true. He could have been since forever. That's interesting. Then he's a legacy. It's like a great. grandfathered in. So, like, us with podcasting.

It's like, there's no way a 35-year-old's doing a podcast. Well, I actually started in my 20s. Yeah, no, exactly. It works. That's why I'm starting to crowd surf now, so in my 40s, it won't look ridiculous. Exactly. Oh, right. Yeah, it's best to get ahead of looking ridiculous.

It's good to get it out of your system. So, yeah, so he's driving and, like, yeah, he's got this camera, and he does say the X zone, and I believe Zone has to be spelled with an X, right? probably yeah um zone with an x yeah because xander's zone dude i guess that's true oh wait what's the next x because it's a it's a triple x that's what i was just about to get into is it like an xhtml isn't there some weird fucking dot uh html code that like has an x i believe there is like xhtml is that like fucking javascript dude i don't know dude i don't ask me man i can barely get this show posted every week. I cannot tell

you. But what I can tell you... All these coders are like, oh, man, Eric, you are speaking my language literally. No. I'm sure I'm not. Yeah, they'll be correcting me. Actually, if you want to do the X-H-Mil, which you have to do. First of all, you have to get a time machine, old man. It's actually

C-plus, plus, kind of like your podcast. No, I was just about to say that even if the zone was X-O-N-E, it still doesn't account for that third X, and then never fucking explain this idiot's name. Well, his name is X

Cage. Cage has to be spelled either a C or a K. I mean, like, there's no way... It's a C. I looked on Wikipedia. So then where is this triple X? His name should be Xander like Xavier or... Maybe it's a middle name, and then it's like XL because he's a big dude. That third X is for my huge

balls, Vendiz's testicles. I'm called Triple X so I remember my t-shirt size is XL. Oh, man, it was XXL, like the sequel, like, later on, like, 10 years from now. And he's, like, enormously fat. Hey, cool, I'm a spy. Yeah, it was Vin Diesel, then it was Ice Cube. Now it's me Larry.

Hey, cool. I could see that happening because we're about to have these games off-road and same thing. The aughts are going to repeat, you know, because now that we have a Republican in the White House, America returns to its factory default. Got it. You know, like the 80s, 2000s, and now, everything's going to be about America, hoorah. Totally, dude. And what better, you know, way to celebrate America than with extreme sports?

And obesity. Combined me. All right, Larry. You're the only one that can get into this Toby Keith concert. Oh, sorry. Were you talking to me? Oh, yeah. I was supposed to take down the separatish, but I joined up with him.

Hey, cool. Hey, cool, it's kind of like Rambo 3. Interesting proposition, Mr. Cable Guy, but surely I cannot trust the Red Solo Cup in front of you, but I also cannot trust the Red Solo Cup in front of me. Hey, cool, they're both nattie eyes. Well, yes, Mr. Cable Guy, do you play? God damn it.

Backerat? Well, yeah, I was trying to do the hillbilly equivalent of back rat. Oh, backwad? We used to play back rat. We used to grab damn rats and throw them around and hit the little neighbor kids with them. No, it's when you get a rat on your back and you try to get it all with one hand tied to your gut. No, Mr. Cable Guy, that's not what I meant. Oh, you're a card game like, go fish.

Oh, fuck. Better movie, by the way. Oh, yeah, totally. Well, I mean, I think that, you know, I mean, like, Larry has stepped in for other stars before in sequels. Right. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sure. Two fairy, too. The Rock. Yeah. So this is, this is up Larry's alley, dude. Oh, my God. What's another like. Up my what? Like if they do Rampage 2, they can get Larry the Camel guy because there's precedence. Oh, I like that too. Exactly right. Dude, skyscraperer too. Anything that the Rock doesn't

want to talk. I was watching that fucking skyscraper or trailer in the theater. Yeah. And I was like, holy, I bet you this is going to be called the towering inferno, right? Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't. No, no, no. Well, no, it's the weird thing is, like, that movie's paying homage to the towering inferno. It's paying homage to diehard. Like, that's the new campaign. That's the thing is, like, it's either the towering inferno or it's diehard. Remake it or don't remake it. Don't like, or third option. I am just totally going to go watch that movie. Sure. But the title sucks it's it's pretty dumb

I saw that hey cool sky scrapper sky scrapper it's a skycraper it's what I take a shit on a plane so there's two hours left of this movie and it's three hours it's two skycrappers

two hours of Larry taking a shit out of there people would go see that because he just tested all of his own food products so Zander he does this stunt where he's like you are outlawing all this

cool stuff that I a 35 year old man enjoy and my 16 year old buddies and therefore I'm going to trash your car and he says bottom line don't be a dick dick oh yeah and he jumps off of this car right before it hits a bridge

and I think he parachutes is that what I do? He's got a parachute on there so he lands safely all while let the bodies hit the floor starts playing. Wow. Yeah, yeah. You think Rumsstein dates something. Yeah, no, even harder is this shit.

So everybody's... I think that guy's dead. That dude's body did hit the floor. Yeah, that dude dropped dead. So, wait, one, something was wrong with him. What was there? I think it was just karma, right? Two, something was wrong with him.

Steve, Eric, what Steve is doing is he's talking the lyrics to that song. Oh. Yeah. Oh, please go on. No, that's it. That's it. And then, you know, let the bodies hit the floor.

And they do. So all his buddies are like, they're like hoot and hollering and shit. A lot of woo-hoo's and thumbs-ups. They're filming him land. This is the visual-only cameo of Tony Hawk is like part of the crew. Or maybe he even says a cool trick or something. I don't know about that. But like, we immediately cut to a warehouse party.

And I think this is like, I guess it's Zander Cage's apartment or his large. I think it is. Off space or something. Here's how you set the scene for this. Tons of bad music, skateboarding inside, energy drinks everywhere. I think he just bought that place that the shredder had in New York. Yes. He's like, oh, yeah, this will work out.

Yeah, leave all the cartons of cigarettes, all the skateboard ramps. We'll use those VCRs for something. Yeah, you get rid of those child slaves, though. I don't need none of them Maybe I think this might be a thing Where he he went to like Coney Island and did a Zoltar machine And became big

He's like a little kid Yes that becomes big right That means a little kid would do Oh I got a big apartment With all my friends in it And skateboards and video games Dude and that's that's clearly A possible theory

Because you know what I hate more than anything There's too many people in my house Oh yeah man When you feel like you have lost control of your own home like you have a party you realize you invited too many people it's getting really trouble something like and i was kind of like having flashbacks right here it's like there are too many people in this guy's apartment oh god one of those people is definitely some sort of skateboarding something or other because one guy pulls him aside and he's like zander

i love cameos that i don't get but know that are cameos yes yeah i got that same i was like somebody like probably lots of people know who that dude is I know who Tony Hawk is. Tony Hawk doesn't say anything in this movie. Tony Hawk is seen like standing against a wall and he kind of like gives Vin Diesel like a nod really quickly. And then like you see him. Hey, have fun.

Yeah. Have fun. But then you see him like kind of start to do a skateboarding thing. But I feel it's a thing where it's like Tony Hawk's like, yeah, I'll stand in your movie. Yeah, he's Boba Fett. It's like, yeah, I'll nod in your movie. Exactly. If you want me to get on a skateboard,

that is immediately an extra $200,000. Oh, I like that. Definitely. You know, so it was like, all right, they paid to get him on this skateboard, but each trick, it's like, it's like if you order a pizza online and you're clicking all the boxes for toppings, and it's like $250 for that topping, $250. Yeah, and you're like, oh, fuck, now I've got a $35 small pizza.

But Tony Hawk is in so many movies and does so many cameos. You can actually download a Tony Hawk tracker. Really? When you actually order a Tony Hawk for your movie, or private event, you'll know how close he is to your home. Exactly. Is there Tony Hawk insurance? Oh, Mr. Hawk, I drop my Tony Hawk on the ground.

I need a new Tony Hawk. But this is this guy's like, oh, your trick is so great. He's like, yeah, thanks, man. I'm working. And the weird thing is one of those, like, the screenplay drops so many balls. It just doesn't even throw them up. It just, like, throws them on the ground. It's like, I'm working on a new trick.

You won't see it for a while. though and like you expect that to be like a thing that happens because then also similarly like immediately some babe comes up to him. It's Eve but no no no well yes yes Eve is like his assistant or something sure sure sure but

no there's this other babe who's just like oh saw your trick today when I was watching my daily Xander zone experience or whatever you are on E-bombs world you are the number two video on E-bombs world and she's like I'm a video game developer you know I'd love to be

the Xander Cage business and then Eve comes up like get out of here bitch yes it's like wait what Vin Diesel the first of several times in this movie and I will never not find this disgusting Vin Diesel making out oh yeah because he just he's like

yeah all right I'll take your business card and then like maybe we'll talk another time or something and he starts like kissing this girl and I'm like oh god well it's like making it with a marble statue do you know what I mean like it's just it seems very unpleasant a marble statue with a tongue

a wandering tongue you have marbles in your mouth and he drinks a sobi right now by the way wow god damn cracks open his soapy man life water dude fucking life water remember the yeah I love that little

gecko it's me George W. Bush just make sure just make sure you know I'm off the I'm off the I just want plenty of sobi in my fridge. Oh, fuck, Thrutopia. Hey, Poppy, we got any more Fruitopia back there or what? It's like juice, but it bubbles.

We used to have Fruitopia in this country until Saddam. Well, yeah, well, well, Junior, what you're going to have to do is go get that Sobe from Shadam. He's got to, well, we got to get in there, Poppy. Those guys are taking it. Saddam's got all that tangy coat. Coconut juice, poppy, fuck! Gotta make a Fruitopia here in the United States. Shouldn't have it there.

Should have it here. No blood for Sobe, man. No blood for Sobe. Uh... That's about right. Yeah, so then immediately there's like a huge raid on this party. And it's an insane, like, a SWAT team breaks through all these windows and everything. all yeah all these people clear out to which

Vin Diesel just replies all right I'll turn down the music we've got funny funny guy Vin Diesel is the least funny person that just said he was funny that has ever lived and they give him so many jokes in this movie yeah well because he's supposed to be like James Bond quip quaping all over the place no and like so many of the quips have too many words

in them for Vin Diesel to say yes and he's got to get them out like in a certain amount of time and they all just turn into tongue twisters. It's a ticking clock. I appreciate that. Eve also... Speaking is the most dangerous of all the X games.

Extreme speaking with Vin Diesel. I did good on BMX biking, surfing, skateboarding, but then once I got to public address, I totally beefed. Oh no,

the dreaded X, comma, position. I'm Vin Diesel, and this is reading Gravity's Rainbow. Oh, God, we'll be here for a week. Oh, are you kidding me?

A week? Years. How does gravity have a rainbow? Okay. I don't know how that book starts. No, I don't know. But so, oh, wait, really stupid detail, because I want to mention Eve one more time,

because I think she's actually pretty good in this movie. It's literally the only scene she has. She should come back. You think she does because it's fucking Eve, so it's like, use this famous person in your movie, I guess not. Sure. She mentions to Vin Diesel. Her character name is JJ.

She mentions to Vin Diesel, something is something I've been working on this underground website for you. They invented the dark web. Yeah, I was like, that's adorable. Now I could sell my cocaine online. Finally. So this raid happens. Oh, you think he's Slender Man?

Yes. Yeah. Oh, most definitely. Vin Diesel and a fun house mirror, right? It would be Slender Man. It's my reflection. I call him Mr. Slender Man. I'm going to get girls to stab other girls.

I'm also going to see, I'm going to curse Paul Walker. He gets hit with a dart after making that turn the music down comment. Yes. Wakes up. He's in a dance. diner. And I think, is this the diner from history of violence? No.

I mean, where you've been, Zanny? It kind of turns into that. Now, is this the same diner they use in Big Lobowski when like, like, the dude's fucking screaming at John Goodman or whatever? He's like, I'm sitting here, I'm drinking my coffee. Yeah, oh, is that the same diner? I think it

might be the same diner. It's got similar booths. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it's probably, yeah, it's probably like a movie diner that gets used in a bunch of stuff. Was it not the same diner as a Don's plum, though. No. Or Honey Bunny. Oh, yeah.

Pulpiction. Yeah, different diner. Different diner. But it might be that Labowski diners. It might be. Some L.A. residents. We should do a diner podcast. Oh, man.

I mean. Yep. Yeah, right? I'd do that. We could do easily like 10 episodes and just diner alone. I'll fucking, you know, I'll eat eggs 19 times in one week. Whatever. Oh, man.

I went to a diner near Cooperstown, New York this weekend. And it was like. just from 1979 and never touched, like brown and white tile everywhere. Orange painted walls. Oh, yeah. Cigarette butts in the food. Yeah, yeah, there should have been.

At least the ceiling tiles were definitely stained from cigarette smoke, I bet. So he wakes up in this diner, and all of a sudden he is the world's greatest detective. I mean, like, the thing is he's like, the reason you get this guy is because he's in great shape and he could do crazy stuff. with extreme sports and is in the scene.

But all of a sudden he's like, something's wrong with this diner. See, great instincts, right? Because he has to use those when he jumps off stuff. And like, yeah, doing stuff like, you know, base jumping and fucking, you know, surfing and skateboarding, whatever. Very specific skill set.

Yes. That doesn't make you the fucking great mouse detective. Like he goes into like a mind palace. And like this house. So this whole thing goes down, There's this woman, you know, as the waitress, and she's, like, pouring coffee. It's that thing where, like, under the coffee, like, you know, a coaster or whatever, she's written on a newspaper 911.

He's looking around. There's, like, a dude at the counter. There's a dude in a booth or whatever, and he's, like, surveying the scene and shit. And then, like, this guy pulls out a gun and Vin Diesel fucking lays waste. This guy lays waste to this other guy or whatever. Smashes this dude's face on a fucking coffee. which is quite fantastic. And the guy, one of the guys

is a shotgun, he's like, I'm going to shoot you, I'm going to shoot you. And he keeps like saying that, but Vin Diesel bravely just punches him in the face. And that's kind of the thing.

It's like, oh, I figured out. Then he goes into this whole story. By the way, if I'm ever anywhere, and somebody passes me a note that says, call 911. Yeah.

I want to turn that note over and write down, what are your fingers broken? No, I'm going to call Poppy? Hey, poppy, I think I'm in a fake diner. They're talking about 9-11 again, Poppy. What do I do?

Hey, poppy, is this a test of my mental agility again? What you need, boy, is a distraction. Go invade Iraq. But also, by the way, Sam Jackson is just sitting in this diner. So he starts doing like the slow clap thing. And it's like, oh, well, how did you do it? And so he points out, like, here's this business. businessman reading the financial

times on a Sunday maybe here's this guy he looks like a fucking scumbach maybe but then here's the thing that gives it away oh here we go

her and he like points to this waitress and she's like who me and he goes my aunt was a waitress in the diner industry for 50 years one thing I know no self-respecting career

waitress where his high heels. She'd have corns all over her feet in two hours. Uh-huh. There's this parlor seat in the middle of nothing and he would, he's got all this like ingenious observant. He knows the financial fucking time. Give me a break. I could tell that the fibers in that guy's jacket came from the CIA. And Sam Jackson's like, all right, you know, very good, Vin Diesel. Let's see if you can take like level two or whatever. And And then, like, this dude shoots him, or no, the lady shoots him this time with another fucking stun dart.

I love the stun dart. I would love to kind of get stun dart just once. No, I would love it like every day. Yeah. Like, so I don't have to do my miserable commute. Like, if I could just hire someone to stun gun me and then I wake up at my desk. I have insomnia. Like, if somebody who just shot me in the chest with a stun dart at like 1130 p.m.

Oh, great. That'd be great for you. Just need to get you a fucking sticky, icky Indica, dude. That'll put you right out. Take that insomnia, kick it right in the teeth Is that the name of the monster that's going to shoot him? Oh, no, the sticky icky's got the gun out. That's the last witch hunter.

That's where that goes on. So he passes out. He wakes up, he is on a plane with a bunch of other dudes that kind of look like him. So he's like, oh, I get it. Now it's a test with a bunch of people. Well, this is kind of set up because Sam Jackson in the beginning of the movie

is like, hey, we need to get the worst are the worst and he goes to like four people one of which is Vin Diesel and the other which are these three other guys so it's like kind of a it's like the men in black test essentially totally um so they're like on this plane or whatever and they

get like tossed out the plane isn't flying is the idea they just open it and it's moving they pull all these parachutes all these dudes get sucked out not before Vin Diesel says yeah well I live for this shit I live for getting kidnapped

bitch. Nothing I live for a harder than a fucking fake kidnapping. Yeah, I'm coming for you. Man, I've been kidnapped three times last year. Yeah. I'm a man masculinity. Love getting kidnapped.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah, steal me from my fucking home. Yeah. I slept in a car trunk for three days because they fucking forgot about my ass, bitch. And I love the idea. It's like, well, this guy's obviously going to be the best secret agent.

He's the one that's constantly getting kidnapped. He's constantly getting shot with these darts. Shouldn't like a great special agent, like, prevent that from that? That would be a great test. That would be a great test. So he does go to Columbia. Yeah, one time I never saw my family for a whole fucking year. I didn't even know where I was.

He just brings up his hand. He's got like three fingers left. He's like, yeah, it took a while to get that ransom that one time I was kidnapped. Bitch. Nothing more extreme than being trained to a bed. You want to know why I shaved my head? I don't. A kidnap and burn my scalp off.

Yeah, I got kidnapped. Those follicles ain't coming back, baby. Yeah, I drank acid. Yeah, I had to solve so many fucking riddles to get at that fun house. Only one alive, bitch. Oh, man, jigsaw. Jigsaw got him, too. Oh, yeah.

You know that happened. Do you want to play a game? I do, bitch. Y'all wear your bear trap on my fucking head, bitch. I live for this shit. Extreme. Yo, get a copy of those videos when you're done. Zanderzone.

My name is Vin Diesel, and this is the strangers. Yeah, you can wear that potato sack on your face. scary as fuck oh shit i know you're like three feet behind me not saying shit i live for people being three feet behind me with an axe yeah god i would watch this which is why i kind of enjoyed this movie yeah so he says i live for this shit he gets uh tossed out of the plane he's in columbia it is like some real it's kind of awesome it's like thrown into like a real deal like political unrest situation yeah but i love so it's like him and these three other dudes there is one dude who is like he's straight up like yeah man i think we're in columbia and

someone's like well how do you know that he's like look at all these cocaine plants there is one dude who i feel like the second this mission started sam jackson was like i knew that guy was because this guy is like a mouse to cheese with cocaine he sees these coke trees he's fucking pulling all these butts off of him and putting him in his pocket. I don't know where he gets his bag of cocaine in some point. It's a huge fucking bag. Because they eventually make their way to this barn or whatever. Because there's all these workers like picking the cocaine off the plants and whatnot.

But then they make their way to this barn where there's just like a fucking truckload of it. And there's just a table. And this guy's got this fucking sack of cocaine. He's just like stuffing it under his shirt like he's stealing from a grocery store. And they all get like knocked out. again and they wake up and Vin Diesel is like tied lethal weapon style to a poll Danny Trejo

shows up which is fine it's fine but I one I've only seen this movie like the one time before last night like I saw it once in theaters I did not remember Danny Trejo and I was like cool Danny Trejo's in this movie turns out not for long unfortunately

well because and again look did this the world's greatest detective thing comes up because they're all under the assumption like oh we all did that, we all did that diner thing, right? So it's just another one of their game-esque pranks and they're like laughing at Danny Trejo and he's like slapping him around. He's like, I'm going to throw you

a beaten man. But then he pulls up this machete and puts up against his face and he's like, that smells like real blood. I'm like, the fuck are you talking about Wolverine? Yeah, I drink blood all the fucking time. Bring it out, bitch. He just does like all these YouTube

videos like, yeah, I'm going to taste blood. It's like, uh, review. Here's my blood Unboxing video Exactly First thing's first I'm gonna fucking cut the palm of my hand open Here's the unboxing

A human unboxing Okay It comes packaged in skin Also known as endocrine All right Here we go We're ripping it off Oh my Lord, look at that

I do feel like Vin Diesel could do the Terminator 2 thing where he pulls his own hand off. Oh, definitely. Y'all, I'm getting woozy as fuck. I am losing a lot of blood, bitch. Before I go down, I live for this shit. Also, by the way, the NSA, I guess.

I guess this is the NSA, not the CIA. I think. It is. It's correct. They have an acting program, apparently. They're going through all these things. Like Danny Trejo. Well, no, this is real.

This is real? They put him in the... Mind fuck, bro. But the diner. was fake. The diner was fake and that's why he thinks it's fake but then he smells real blood. He's like, oh, it's real. So he starts like using like little weapon moves on Danny Treo. He gets out and like there's this big long action scene which we're not done. Oh man. It just goes doesn't it? Jesus Christ. Like these buildings are farting explosions. Yes. I don't know what's going on. There's a dirt bike. There's a dirt bike. This whole movie is that part in Wayne's world when they go into the room with all those agents and all those explosions and people repelling from things and like oh wow. I always wanted to be in a room. like that. Oh, right. It's the whole movie. And at some point in this melee

Danny Trejo like gets in a truck and he's trying to escape and this chopper comes out of nowhere and fucking heises him. They just like missile this truck. Trejo's out. And he's like trying to save his friend. Like the cocaine guy I think gets killed or something. There are four of them. I think

one is killed like almost immediately the cocaine guy bites it and then there's this final guy that like I guess Vin Diesel like feel some loyalty to or whatever. I'm going to come back for you, man. But it's weird because he's on this dirt bike and he's essentially like

crisscrossing this property just making jumps. Yeah. And I'm like, what are you doing? Either get this guy and get the hell out of there or just get the hell out of there. Oh, no, no, they lined up, I don't know why. They lined up 20 school buses. Here we go.

It is amazing. He's like jumping the roof of this barn, this whole thing. And this is where, is like the first big action sequence and you can tell right away what we're doing here this is a fucking IRL stunt bike driver and we are

CGIing in 2002 Vin Diesel's face onto this other person yikes boy oh boy does he look like Dr. Doak man it's just this like fucking dead CGI Vin Diesel face just glued

to a motorcycle driver like wearing a green mask or something It is so uncomfortable, dude. I live for proximity minds, bitch. Yeah, I'm going to cross the uncanny valley, bitch. It's weird. So this dude also just bites it, I think. Yeah, and he basically, like, Sam Jackson,

like, they arrest everybody, and then Sam Jackson comes out again and does the slow clap. After Vin Diesel kicks a dude in the face with a motorcycle tire. And this should be the first scene in the movie, which is like basically look Xander you're gonna go to jail unless you do some stuff for the NSA blah blah blah blah

he should have been there like trying to steal cocaine or something and the NSA's and then it sets up the plot I didn't need all the other shit the diner the whole thing so it's basically now we're in the movie which is you have to go in and it's only reconnaissance which makes no sense why you had sent an ex

gamer in for reconnaissance again just dye somebody's fucking hair dude these people are stupid we don't have time to have like some, you know, company man learn all the songs on the Romstein's special. That's true. You know what I mean? This is what we

have to do. Yeah, I mean, you don't want to have to listen to that Limp Biscuit. I think all you'd have to do is listen to that that diss song that Limp Biscuit and Corn made. I think it's called All in the Family. Oh, fuck, yeah. Wait, that's a dis song? He disses him. Whoa. Jonathan

Davis. Jonathan Davis. That's the very guy. Diss is Fred Durst for a while. Oh, dooky. And then Fred Durst is like, oh, that's a good dis. Here's some more disses. Now, for people who are under the age of 34, a disrespect. A dis, I mean, it's short for disrespect.

Oh, right. Really? Okay. I'm a young guy, so. Well, there's a dis war going on right now. We are in the thick of a dis war. Oh, that's right. Because it's Drake, and is it push a tea? Is the other guy?

What is going on with that? I don't know. they're in a fucking feud man this episode is going to come out way after that yeah you'll look back on it fondly well i mean if we're talking about jonathan davis it's not going to be any older than a jonathan david's well yeah but i'm talking about the drake yes world war drake that's going on right now so um world war drake that he goes to austria and like that's the check repos i think it's i think it's Prague right oh he isn't Prague okay i think they end up there anyway i think that's where the main event happened he goes

He goes to Prague. He has like a handler. The handler is a schlubby guy who he hates immediately. Oh, this dude. And he's like, I mean, like, literally he's set amongst gangsters and like terrorists. And he's just like, whatever, man. And this guy's like, all right, if you come with me, I will show you how not to get shot. I don't need to not know how to get shot, you idiot. They go to this bar and immediately he's like, yo, yo, yo, this guy's a cop, man. Yeah, I know. Dude, I love it. It's fucking great. So Vindy's in classic ugly American fashion is at this bar that's like it's owned or run by or whatever. Some like renowned Russian crime boss is the idea. He just bursts into the back room with this place like, oh hey, what's going on guys? Like trying to do that whole thing. Immediately there's like guns to this guy's head. And this dude is like, oh no, I'm just looking to buy some cars. I heard you're the guy to go. go-to kind of thing. And they're like, they're going to shoot this dude in the fucking face. Oh, Yorgie is this guy's name.

Yeah, I'm an American looking to buy cars in Prague. Yeah, I first got here today. I swear to God, I'm not with the NSA. Why would you say that? What do you talk? Look at my enormous jacket. How could I, a man in an enormous fur coat, be with the

NSA? That coat does not come in just yet. Oh, really? We're talking coats over the text chain we have. There is a predecessor to the big coat there's another shirling coat that's a little more restrained there is and also he is still wearing the red and white motorcycle pants

oh yikes yeah those are terrible they have to fucking smell like ass at this point dude they're like under armor like to go to the gym and like you just wear those pants all week he was wearing those pants when he fucking stole that state senator's car when he fucking broke up that fake diner robbery when he was

fighting against whoever the fuck in Columbia and now he's in Prague wearing these pants so then he's it's like oh why wouldn't we kill you or whatever and he goes guess you'd rather have cops in your club and they're like oh what

and this is I got a fucking legitimate laugh out of this dude because he goes he goes see that guy over there and he points to this dude that he's in there with this handler who is supposed to help him and he's like see that guy over there suit made out of motel drapes that's a cop

and the best thing is like you don't know anything about this world you are getting this man killed exactly like this man's blood is on your head immediately murdered and so they go they fucking drag this dude out then there's like again it's kind of another like mildly entertaining gag in this scene where like vin diesel is trying to talk to this yorgie guy and these two huge dudes are arguing loudly like right next to them and they're trying to have this like car conversation and these dudes huge Russian guys are just yelling and it turns out they're yelling

over whether or not he is actually the world famous Xander Cage because I guess one of these dudes has access to Eve's secret underground website. Because he's got blonde hair he's the brother of the main guy is Yorgie, is that that guy? Yorgie is the main dude's name. Okay. And

it's like, oh yes, it's like yes he loves all your videos and it's like oh man I really love how you get kicked in the balls in those videos is great man. Oh I really love the one video where you're always slapping your sleeping father until he wakes up. That's awesome, man.

Very cool. It's so funny. American humor is so great. Dude, how many shopping carts are in America exactly? Because it seems like it's nothing but shopping cards. As far as I can see. Here in Mother Russia, we share shopping cart. And he says something about it.

Shopping cart is for. food carrying not for pranks it's amazing you americans live so high in america shopping cart carry you you rode down the hill in the shopping cart yes uh was red really bread pit in monkey mask that's crazy man you americans all know each other so funny so yeah they get they get to hanging out now The great line, oh, my friends call me X. I was like, do they? Oh, God damn it, do they? So they're, like, kind of getting together.

This is where we get introduced to Asi Arzancho. She's, like, very suspicious of him. Yeah. And she's like, you know, he's not going to give the money. He's like, I'll do a million two dollars for so many different cars. And then, like, this is the scene. We cut to the next day. He wakes up and, like.

Hung over, by the way. Thanks a lot of Action Star. And, like, he's like, yeah, I was drinking all night. with those guys. Listen, you gotta give me a million to, Sam Jackson. And like, that's that whole scene. This is the greatest shot in the movie. We cannot skip over this.

He is fucking video conferencing with Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson is fucking pissed off because he's been calling him all morning and the diesel has been passed out. He is standing there. This is where the lion coat comes in. This is the debut of the fucking lion coat. He's standing

there wearing nothing but this lion coat and a parrot jockey shorts and he is just looking into this video phone like fucking deal with in america and there's some babe like passed out oh yeah dude the whole fucking thing and so basically it's like all right next day we're going to hang out again with he's like yeah i found out all this information how did you find out all this information like a he was a fan of mine and b that dude loves drinking vodka yeah something about like when you can uh take down a bottle of vodka and three swigs you'll get to talking.

Oh shit. I think I agreed to open a bookstore with that guy. Oh, yep. Definitely did. Here's the business proposal. Signed in everything.

Yeah. Why would they need to use bookstore slash coffee shop and crack out, man? That doesn't make any sense. Well,

whatever. I'm a man in my word. We're going to do it now. I live for this shit. I live for opening bookstores, bitch. Are we supposed to make cars? books

he just bought a million dollars of books a lot of inventory for one little books are no no no these books

are shit I'll tell you what books he would buy only a loser would buy Tolkien that smells like

real books listen what you need is animorphs the entire fucking series every language it's one bookstore

all animorph oh yeah Yeah, that would be out of business. Oh, no, Vin Diesel, I'm ruined. So he goes to another bar the next night, and this is when my favorite scene is him with this enormous coat, which is exactly his problem.

It's like, and he's like, going to the bar, says like, hey, could you put this behind the bar? And she's like, no. Listen, I know, it's a huge coat, but I cannot be walking around this club, with a huge coat. I keep bumping into people. I've been saying, excuse me all night. Zander Cage is not a man that normally excuses himself. And also I got, I was waiting in line

to get in here. I passed out twice. This thing has got no ventilation, brother man. Yeah, I look ridiculous. Man, that's the thing. Nobody said anything. No. Rob Cohen, nobody. I mean, I don't know that Vin Diesel personally picked out this coat, but it's supposed to look super cool. Yes. But if Vin Diesel had a problem with this coat, man, he should have spoke up. Well, Fight Club Brad Pitt's got something close to this. Oh, yeah, one point. It's close-ish. But, no, but, I mean, we're talking like three.

That is definitely the aesthetic they're going for you, right? Because, like, Brad Pitt and his skivies with a coat on, yeah. I mean, they are going for that kind of like fight club-ish vibe. Grungy, cool kind of thing. Which is fucking ridiculous because that movie only came out three years prior to this. So everybody knows what you do it. Yeah, well. And one's Vin Diesel, the other is Brad Pitt.

Big difference. Like Brad Pitt, like, yeah, he's muscular in Fight Club, but he's still a very, like, slender dude. He's not a broad-shouldered individual. Oh, yeah? I thought I was the slender man. Look at that Funhouse Mirror. I'm projecting it into the internet to get kids to stab each other.

Man, that is dumb. Kids are stupid. Kids are fucking stupid. I'm glad those girls are in jail. I say lock them all up until we figure out what's going on See if we get to the bottom With this whole slender man business

Travel band on children You know what? I'm fine They already started with some I lost another 1,500 children God, what a fucking What a monster We live in a travesty

So Something happens Oh he buys the cars And whilst buying the cars and whilst buying the cars oh actually before this happened sorry there is the very long scene we entered into his cue

yes and this is where it gets the most bondish this dude was in this movie he was also in the second movie oh good for him yeah good for him instead of bondish I would go for some bondage right about now yeah this is my kind of club

in the movie I watched that's what it was full of you had a lot of zipped up mouth mask what's that slave I live for this shit you at home couldn't see this but Steve was actually miming

the zipping and unzipping of the mouth and then I was mentally picturing Steve being put into a refrigerator for the night not the first time yeah so this dude he's like the comic relief he goes around he's shown him all the gadgets and the missiles and all the fucking whatnot but there's some gag

where he's like, this is the penetrator, and Vindy's like, fuck, yeah, he's, my right man, yeah. Well, there's this one, he gives him this crazy gun that can do all this crazy stuff. It mostly just shoots all different kinds of projectiles, both dark guns and fake blood guns,

and he's like, how do you know how to use a gun? He's like, well, you know, I broke my leg the summer of 99 and I played nothing but first person shooting games. This dude, this poor bastard. I played Doom to you. put a gun in my hand. I have no idea what it is. I have literally no idea. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. I would take out everyone. Like, no, you wouldn't. I'd fucking run right in there, man. I played GTA. I know what's up. Yeah, I played GTA. I'll run right into any school or whatever. Dude, guaranteed, it's just like

golden eye. Fuck yeah. I'm going after Baron Samity, whatever. I'm like, where's the Z button on this fucking, where's my analog stick? Uh, so how fast am I going to respawn once I get in there? Oh, wait, what? Oh, I'm dead. And yeah, this poor bastard's like, oh, man, I have fucking been, like, in this agency for years. Yeah. This fucking goblin comes in. Two days I'm supplying him with fucking vehicles. Speaking of goblins, do you think he was making anyone on this set play Dungeons and Dragons?

Oh, good question. I don't know if he was into it at this point. I mean, probably. You think so? Oh, that must have started in the early days, right? A young Vin Diesel. Ben Diesel begins. Hey, Ozzie, I heard your dad.

is Dario Argento who loves witches. You're gonna like play did you play D&D or what? I have no time to watch any of his movies. Yeah, I hate subtitles.

And dubs just don't do it for me. Roll again, Dario! Now I'm the phenomena. I would pay to see that. Oh, yeah, man. Who is this man?

So he gets his gun. The reason I brought this back, while he's buying these cars, the Uri, his handler, has this sniper rifle point that he shoots at them and, like, they go chasing this guy. Isn't this when he's like, he's trying to spot.

on them sort of and he fucking like knocks a whole window pane. Oh, is that what happens? Because they're like, they're about to do this deal or whatever and this dude, Yorgie's just like, you know what, Vin Diesel, you are the fucking best. Like, I am so glad that we are friends. Come to my fucking club later. I'm having a huge party. And Vin Diesel's reaction right here is

kind of great. He's like, oh, you really mean that? Like, he's like touched to get invited to this party. Well, I mean, I'll be sincere for a second. That's kind of shocking and really nice. That's really, really nice. I'm incredibly touched. This guy's exposed, and then this Yorgie or whatever is just like, oh, it must be your cop.

This is your, you know, it's like, no man, must be yours, your cop, buddy. And it works. It works. Like this guy is like, you must be a cop. And then Vindiz was like, uh, no, you're the cop. And then the guy is just like, well, he said he is not the cop. And I know I am not the cop. All right. Everything is cool.

We are friends again. We'll chase him down together, but I get the kill shot. And he drives after his running, the guy that's supposed to help him when he arrived to the country, he's chasing him down in a car, and Yorgie's going to shoot him through the window, and then Vindizos to think quick and quickly turn the car, so he doesn't get shot by a real bullet, but instead, one of his blood pellets or whatever that Vin Diesel has, shoots this dude, he plays dead, we're done. And then we go to a party where the guy says,

Welcome to Anarchy 99. We are a group. We're actually a rap rock group, and we need a new guy to do a rap part. Can you do the rap part in our album? No, but I'll look pretty fucking cool in your video. Oh yeah! Here, put on his track suit.

Yes. Okay, will you paint your face like divest, Boerland? Oh, man. How do you feel about pretty funky looking contact lenses? I don't know, bro. Is this like infringement on West Borland's rights? Okay, oh, okay, fine.

Just so long as we're not doing like a slip knot thing, man. Yeah, dude, I need people to see my fucking face. And those dudes, there's like six drummers in that band. How do you even move around on stage? like, honestly, what's the point? Like, all right, you're with the dead, right? You got Mickey, you got Bill, they're playing, and it's fine.

But more than two drummers, I mean, that's fucking crazy. The Dead? The Grateful Dead? Yeah. Vin Diesel's reference is The Grateful Dead. Dude, he plays Dungeons and Dragons who knows what this guy is into.

That's fair. He could know who Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzman are, absolutely. I know who Mickey Hart is, Mark. not really but yeah so he's like welcome to anarchy 99 we are a group of people dissidents we used to be so and he's like

well I guess he saw him kill a cop so he's like pretty open with the idea but the thing is like it's weird because at first I'd like to be an anarchy 99 because like it seems like all they do is get messed up all the time like constant party is this an organization I know the guy owns like five nightclubs

but you got your you don't get high on your own supply. But at the end of the movie it's like, oh and by the way we will take over a world. Like when you're hung over all the time. That's what I don't get. Dude, you cannot take over the world when fucking six out of the seven days in the week you are waking up at 1.30

in the afternoon. You can't not. You cannot. And I don't know what this business plan is. If you looked at this shit on a chart, it's like open up a bunch of nightclubs plus start a vodka line. All right. Sell some cars. Sure. Yeah. Offload some

cars. Illegal stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All equals nuclear submarine boat thing that you have at the end of this movie. It's a bio weapon. I guess it's like a gas, like a chemical gas. It's so crazy. It's so ill-defined. It comes out of nowhere. They have Russian scientists. First of all, they got a lot of bartenders. They got Russian scientists. Do you think any of those dudes are like having to double dip? Like at night, you're a bartender You got to wake back up because you're a fucking rocket scientist. I guess I know chemistry. I can make you gin and tonic, sure. I mean, I don't think that Anarchy 99 is anticipated

where pain in the acid is to open a nightclub. But like, yeah, you're waking up and like fucking 2 o'clock in the afternoon. You're like, give me status on bio-vement. Lower, please. Lower the light. Oh, no, I do mixology cocktail on bioweapon instead of drink. Oh, man, this is what I live for. It's a fucking rocket bomb that just blast vodka everywhere.

You need to, like, these... Dude, it's a popular drink now. We're going to have it. Okay, if you have a party of 20 and you want vodka sprayed everywhere, we have it. Come down the Yorgi's pleasure palace. Oh, yeah, dude, that's definitely the name of this bar. But that's what this should be. His evil scheme should be some sort of drug.

It's like, oh, I have the newest drug. 10 times more addictive than heroin or whatever that nonsense is. Exactly. Like do Robocop too when they have that nuke drug where the people are injecting nuke into their necks.

Totally. It's kind of like crocodile. Maybe that's what it should have been. Crocodile begins. Anarchy 99 starts the crocodile phase. Hell yeah, dude. We'll sell it in drug stores. Oh, and also we are totally

responsible for K2 quote unquote synthetic marijuana. That's right, kids. Would you like to smoke popery? Go right there. Dude, I am tired to see in these news articles, these outbreaks of like people Odeeing because they're smoking quote unquote synthetic marijuana.

That's a little Jeffie Sessions. That's what he's doing. It's outrageous. Kids at home just smoke weed. Yes, yes. With parental permission, please. And be 18 or older. Terms and conditions apply.

So he's like, all right. Vin Diesel, it's getting utterly, because, you know, that's not getting late because it's done been late. He's like, yes, I have to be up in an hour. I have like six damn project meetings. Man, my whole day is booked with these project meetings, my goodness. Burning candle at both ends, creating terrorist syndicates such as Ernak in 91. I have a scrum that I have to do.

Also, this is where he's like, all right, Zander Cage. I have business meetings to attend too. I have to go change a couple of kegs in the back. Like, yes, I am business owner, but I am also on the floor too. I'm men of people at club. Don't worry. In the meantime, here's my girlfriend. She will fuck you.

Yes. And you're like, oh, man. And he very is okay with that. But then, like, oh, but also go to your room, Zender Cage. I've left you present. So this is, it's outrageous. What is this doing in this movie? So much of this is outrageous.

So he goes, like, essentially behind the bleachers with Asi Argento. They make out, again, you are seeing this fucking marble statue, just kiss something. It's disgusting. Yep. Yep, that's exactly it. Hold on. Hold on. I live for this shit.

You just got Xander in your zone. Oh, no. So she, it's kind of a great line here because she's like, did you like that? And he's like, yeah. And then she goes, good, because it's never going to happen again or whatever. I was like, well done. That's a great line. So then, so this is what Steve was talking about.

I got a big problem with this. I got a big problem with that, too, folks at home. That's how you can't see this. That's how you make Vin Diesel talk because you put peanut butter in the back of his mouth. I'm like a part walrus. He goes into this room and there is this woman just fucking pole dancing on a four post bed.

It turns into a Cisco video for four minutes. And then he has the line. This was definitely in the trailer. I'm going to love serving my country. But here's the thing. How on earth do you get up The ball's big enough To just fuck a random stranger

In some other stranger's house Yeah It is just something I mean Fucking in somebody's house I hope he got a fucking A super condom from that fucking tech dude man Fucking bulletproof condom

Just something They must have those right A little stronger than the regular stuff Yeah for sure James Bond spies They definitely have like super condom Oh, no, dear, I don't use those. Don't bother putting that in my suitcase.

But double O, all you have to do is jingle your balls and the invisible condom will just spring into place. No, no, it's still not cool. But also, to the point of it being like a bond thing, this woman needs to, like, attack him. Right? Like, she's a spy. She's maybe part of, like, Anarchy 2000.

Oh, shit, dude. They're coming to do, like, some recon on 99. see what these Millennium Lovers are up to? Welcome to the 21st century Anarchy 99. So TikTok. The next morning he wakes up and Asia

Argento has got like I mean, she's like spying on, she's clearly in on it, right? She's doing some grade A hacking right here. She's got the world's biggest camera and this whole, like practically a desktop computer. It's crazy, dude. Did you see that part where she had to

get under the cape to take the picture? and she's like doing all this stuff he's like hey it seems like you may also be a double agent would you like to go to lunch dude this movie it just this scene in particular there are like back to back horrendous lines

here oh yeah because he basically says like you know oh I knew that you were not who you say you are or whatever and she asks how he knew and he goes you cold intelligent and vicious

it's your eyes that give it away oh god and then yeah then he's like now I'm she's like so what are you going to do about it and he's like now I'm going to take you to lunch and they go to this lunch and whilst there she explains that she's a secret agent or whatever the fuck

she's working for like Russian intelligence and he she gets a phone call saying that Vin Diesel's cover has been blown you have to send him outside and we're going to shoot and we have a sniper waiting for This dude who looks like Putin is up in the... You, by the way, smoke cigarettes with Zander Cage does not get down with. Yeah, there's a big anti-smoking thing back at the club, back at the Pleasure Palace.

Also, here's a thing. They're at like a really nice, like, Prague restaurant right here. There is absolutely no way Vin Diesel's getting into this restaurant wearing a cutoff sleeve t-shirt. Yeah, that's true. It's insane. Everybody else is dressed beautifully. this is a high-class establishment. He walks in like the fucking blues brothers.

USA! USA! What do you mean you won't serve me Frog's legs just because I'm wearing an Austin 316 T-shirt? This is my nicest cut-off sleeve t-shirts.

You got to know in advance where you are going to eat and what the dress coat is, man. I can't stand that. I just can't believe it. But I'm sure they're used to Americans going like, yeah. You got like chicken tenders or what? Yo, yeah, I'll have the McDonald's.

Bring me the McDonald's. Yeah, what kind of pizza you got? Is that it? Hey, Poppy, they have McDonald's here? Can't bring the boy out to dinner. This is quite embarrassed. But like even in New York City, you can get good pizza. They have sabarrows just rhetoros.

They have Applebee's just for tourists. Man, it just drives me nuts. Hey, Poppy, I know it's... Yes, W. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. You know these people? These White House people cook anything you want? The Mick Rib is back.

It's here, Bobby. Hey, Poppy, it never left. Poppy, they got salad shakers. I wish I was dead. I'm alive right now, but I wish I was over here and dead. So there's some crazy-ass thing where he hits her in the face with a fucking platter. It's like this thing is like, all right, if you let me out the back way, they'll know that you've tipped me off. We have to pretend to be enemies now.

And he grabs this platter, hits her in the face. I think she was probably like, I didn't think that's what you were talking about. And then he, the first of, I think it's the only time that happens in the movie where he grinds away to safety. Oh my God, dude, he jumps on this platter like it's a skateboard and grinds down a couple of railings. Boy, is it stupid. It is insane. And then... What are we watching?

Only because he lives for it. He gets kidnapped again. This is the worst. You might, you know, this is like a Mr. Bean movie. If Mr. Bean was like overly confident and had sex with women. It's probably Johnny English, actually. Yeah. I've never seen other of those films.

I've never seen Jonathan English. Neither of I. Also, what's great about this, they put a fucking potato sack over his head and leave that lion jacket on. Of course. You know he's got the potato sack over his head. He's like, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I am hard as shit. Now I'm a stranger. Who knows where I'm going to wake up? This is fucking awesome. Oh, they might throw me in the ocean. He's giving him an Osama bin Laden.

He's on a meat lock, a meat hook in a freezer, like, oh yeah, this is fucking ghoul. Oh, I can't feel my fucking feet. It's him in Tone Carbone. Carbone is a big rock of fucking nothing. He's like, oh, awesome.

That was my best friend. So, he goes to Sam Jackson. Sam Jackson says, like, by the way, it was the NSA doing the kidnapping in that situation. And he's like, look, you know, you've done enough. Thank you so much. We were understanding more about Anarchy 99.

These guys are too dangerous. We're sending you home. Also, your cover has been blown. He's like, yeah, but now there's a girl involved. And he's like, yeah, there's always a girl. But you didn't meet her, man. You didn't look into her eyes. Oh, my buttercup. When Sam Jackson essentially tells him, like, you know,

jobs over with you're going home, he has a fucking hilarious temperate tantro. Oh, I love it. He doesn't lie and roar for no reason. it's awesome and he like stamps his feet oh god damn it's great he's like you go home triple he's like brard also he meets sam jackson uh first uh in this whole thing is in an opera house where sam jackson's like just watching this solo opera performance and vindies was like oh man just shoot me in the fucking head now no way i can watch this shit oh wait is that dj lethal sick I'm at a Lip-Biscuit concert. Yeah.

Oh, it's actually a female opera singer. It's not DJ lethal at all. I'm sorry I didn't have my glasses on. I thought this city was supposed to have culture. So it immediately doesn't listen to Sam Jackson. He's climbing this castle wall. It's a free climb because it's this dude Yorgie's like castle hideout. And he meets up with the other agent.

He gets all this special stuff. He gets the x-rayed glasses, all this stuff. And he sort of sees the last part of this plan, which is like, welcome, we have created Eichab, humongous fake submarine. Can you believe this is in this movie now? Bet you didn't see this come? It makes no sense. And like it's all these Russian scientists.

They all have champagne. And like they go into like this basically like panic room situation and gas these dudes with this like biological agent. Right. It's like what they just created. he unleashes on them in order to clear up loose ends, I guess, so no one can... It's that, but it's also this dude going to great lengths to threaten a woman. Oh, right.

Because, like, all these dudes are getting gas to death. And he's like, hey, Asia Argento, do you see what happens when someone goes against Yorgi? Do you see what I see? Pretty fucked up, right? They fucking call this thing, silent night. I guess the gas compound or the mission or whatever the fuck. People are saying silent night throughout this entire thing. And it's very much extreme Die Hard with a vengeance because it's like this green, neon green or neon blue color.

And then black shit comes into it. It gets cloudy. It's kind of like they combine like Die Hard 3 like chemical bomb shit with just the fucking crazy chemical balls from the rock. Because when it's in its green state, it's the exact same color as the shit from the rock. Now, Zander Cage is my brother. Oh, my God. That would be awesome. You got a problem, little bro.

Yeah, we both changed our names for Luke Cage. We're Italian acting royalty. Ben Diesel's actually a Coppola. Yeah, I love wine. Me and Jason Schwartzman are cousins. Figure that shit out. Oh, man, Vin Diesel and a Wes Anderson movie. Oh, yes.

It's all I want now. You know what? You can make that work. It totally would work. It's some funny glasses on that, dude. What's his face tried to do it before he passed away? Sidney Lumet. He put him in that fucking courtroom movie there.

Find me guilty. Yeah, he's wearing a dumb-ass wig there. Has he ever been in a movie that's like, I mean, like, he's pretty good in saving Prime Ryan for five minutes. Yeah. But listen, Wes Anderson Mafia movie or something. Oh, yes. Right?

Him is a heavy. That'd be great. Right. We could go back to Arthur Avenue. Alec Baldwin could narrate all over again. Bob Balaban is like a Jewish mobster. Like the Don. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. He fucking cuts off people's fingers and puts him in Kanish.

Yes. Fuck, yeah, dude. But it has to, I mean, where's the quirk, man? I mean, like, I guess, you figured out. Just put some kink songs in there. Yeah, exactly. The soundtrack, the fucking suits. They ride around like red, red Vespas maybe.

kind of a thing. We're going out for a smear. And by that I mean a hit. I fucking love to Nash. Boom, Paul Simon. Yeah, okay. All right. You're done.

I'm okay with all of this. It's like they shoot somebody in the head and then like the camera pans like just a little bit to the left and Sue York is just playing like some acoustic guitar. Hell yeah. Mm-hmm. Wes Anderson Jewish Mafia movie, man.

I can totally happen. Angelica Houston is the mother who's like the real heavy. She really runs it. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. Oh, that would be great. Yes.

Oh, you see the home life. And then like when Bob Balaban walks through the door, like his like tough demeanor like totally melts and he's just like a nebushy Bob Balaban again. And then like Owen Wilson comes in with a cowboy hat. He's like, you know, I always wanted to be a Jewish mobster. I always wanted to be part of that family, but I never really fit in. Wow. Ed Norton is like an Irish cop on the 10. Yes. This is a movie that I'm into all of it. It's all great.

So he kills all these people and then Zander Cage. He's the hilarious part of this scene is Vin Diesel is watching an horror. Oh my God. He's got these like x-ray binoculars and he's spying. It's, oh man, this is a little too extreme even for me. I'm just watching 20 guys get murdered. Oh my God. You know what, guys? I do not live for this shit. This shit I do not live for. You know what, Sam Jackson?

Yeah, actually, I am fired. So he puts all these bombs on all these motorcycles. They start to chase him, especially the brother, who you think, only the thing is this dude is built like a tree house. He's enormous. You'd think it'd be like the second heavy, the big fight, you know, the second boss or whatever. And he like basically in the midst of doing a jump,

Vin Diesel blows him up. You don't see the bike explode in midair, which is kind of bullshit for me. I want to see him explode. I want to see chunks. Yes. Yeah, you need that to fucking happen. Also, it's around here where Vin Diesel is like hiding

like a cartoon character like on a ceiling. Oh, right. And these two dudes walk in and this dude, it's one of, again, one of my favorite shots

in this movie is Vin Diesel. I think it's another computer simulation phase and he's just like, Duh! And like drops on these two dudes. Fucking classic. Um,

he gets away and he's like, oh man, we got, this is real bad. Hey, you guys. It's like really bad. I saw like 30 Russian side discume.

So basically he goes to, even though, I think at this part, Sam Jackson is like, yes, you're right. That was yet another test or something. When I told, by the way,

Vin Diesel, when I tell you to do something, do the opposite, but when I tell you to do something, do the actual thing? Well, he's like, I'm an authority figure.

I had to tell you that to motivate you. But then why would you ever understand what, if your boss is telling you to do the opposite of what he says, when are you going to, going to take him seriously. I think this is

a thing where Sam Jackson fucked up at work and this is like, it's like doctoring a timestamp on an email. Oh, nice. No, that was the plan the whole time. See, I sent it to you yesterday. Oh, is it in your junk check your junk folder again. So, but he's like, yeah, oh, by the way

and he's like, yeah, well, now this is really under my jurisdiction. Now you really have to leave it. No way, man. So he gets this like rag tank team together. He's like, okay, Czechoslovakian police, let's do some shit. Dude, this is outrageous. He's in a command center leading a meeting.

I don't think so. And he's like, we need to take out the Cobb Tower. I'm like, what are you talking about Cobb Tower? Suddenly, it's like where Eagles dare. You were professionally getting kicked in the nuts three weeks ago on a professional basis. I'm Sandy Cage, and this is complicated command center meeting. it's insane and there's a woman who's like translating in rushing there's another dude who's translating into check yeah and you're just like what how did you like seconds before this

azir argento's like by the way uh i'm totally deep cover i've been deep cover for two years to which vin diesel's got a very ignorant line where he's like two years what are you waiting for them to die of old age is like no this shit takes a really long time you're a fucking moron uh but yeah if anything she's got way more into She should be the one leading this meeting. But I think she's still with those guys. Oh, I thought she was at this meeting. No, she's not there.

Oh, okay. Well, then he's like, yeah, here's the thing. We got to blow up that communication tower. And by the way, the only way we're going to get there is if I drop from a helicopter and snowboard down a mountain and also causing avalanche at some point. Dude, this is the craziest part of any movie I've ever seen. It's insane. And this avalanche is the fakesest fucking thing. It's just your classic Bond movie.

We have to blow up the calm tower. And, like, you know, he jumps out of a helicopter, snowboarding, blah, blah, blah. And like, yeah, you're getting it. And then he takes these grenades out of nowhere. And he's like, here we go, bitch. And he throws these grenades. But it's also because they instantly see him come down.

I guess Xander's coming down. He's all, why don't we get the ATVs and go kill this fucking son of a bitch? And then he's like, uh, uh, uh, I become avalanche, destroyer of you. and he pulls up the mountain. It's insane. Like, you don't know what you're doing. Like, it's, use those grenades to blow up the Comtower. You don't need to blow up a whole...

How many villages died in this avalanche? And it's all because he's being chased by, at most, six dudes on snowmobiles. And he... It's like a nuclear strike. He risks his life to such a degree. Oh, my God. It's a great... It's actually kind of a great little set piece.

Yes. Because then all the snow is going down, it's like, It's causing chaos with these ATVs. They're also, like, running over each other now to get away from it. These snowmobiles are crashing into each other. It's fucking hilarious. One guy's holding on to the back of it, and the other guy shoots him with a machine gun. That's fine.

And then this, the final dude of this havoc, like, gets into, like, this one little compound down. It's the control tower that they got to destroy. And then it gets, the snow goes right through it and just murders this guy. Yeah, this dude is murdered by Mother Nature. It's awesome. Hey, have in these little. real quick. The way we do things in like spy shit, just

shoot me in the head. I don't want to freeze to death, man. Like, literally shoot me in the head or blow me up, that's fine too. Or arrest me. Hey man, I give up. Avalanche, I give up. It's against the Geneva convention, I think. There is so much like hardcore

music playing right here and it's fucking awesome because there's like... Oh, this is some hate breed, motherfucker. Oh, is it? Oh, yes, it is hate breed, you're right. And it's fucking great because there's the moment where he jumps off the cliff after he throws the two grenades and the music fades out while he does the fall and it's like totally quiet

and he's just going and going and going and then like you see him like stick this landing and go flying and that music just fucking chung jugga like right into it again not bad and he survives and like it kind of is unclear what this actually did like yes he blew up the calm tower

but like what he's saying it's some shit in the back at that meeting that he shouldn't be leading he says something about like there are cameras all over this castle got it got it got and the way to take it out is to destroy the castle's command center but he gets arrested any like he gets picked up by these guns right after this enormous fucking avalanche he causes and now it's your parlous and he's tied to a chair and they're like well this is welcome to anarchy 99 and he's like we will throw we will do. He's like, I thought you would understand Vin Diesel, that, remember when

we quoted that punk song in that club? Don't you want the whole world to be destroyed entirely? And, like, there'll be ashes and, like, all this shit to grind on. Like, think of all the ramps you could make from the dead bodies. So many cool jumps.

You can all it over people. There'll be no one to watch my video. Oh, that's right. They quote Anarchy Burger by the Vandals. That's right. They bond over the vandals. He's like, I thought you were my brother, man. But anyway, let's destroy the universe. And I think at this point, the rest of the team that he is assembled breaks in.

And there's a big kind of kerfuffle. The dude, the bad guy gets away in the Ahab and Vin Diesel's chasing him. And this is like the end of this. It already feels like the movie ended, by the way. It should. I mean, like he blows up the guy with a cigarette with a heat-seeking grenade. That's kind of fun. I told him, smoke, it was going to kill him.

It's like a heat-seeking missile, like a rocket launcher. Yeah. And in this sequence, he's like, oh, yeah, it's heat-seeking. Oh, right, this guy loves to smoke. One little cigarette. Yes. Like 100 meters away. Meanwhile, on this set, right behind him, is a ton of fucking hot lights everywhere.

It's insane. It would be great. He was like, all right, smoker, you made your choice. It goes back around and blows them up. That's what would happen. Yeah. Here comes the lung cancer rock. What?

Yeah, so he's chasing his boat down. They have to do, it's, it should be here. He does shoot Yorgie in another boat at this point. The villains dies so early is the problem. It's so fucking hilarious, though, because, like, Yorgie is on this boat and they're trying to get him. Vin Diesel's, like, shooting at this guy. And I love this line.

He has the line. It's something like, you learn how to shoot you. piece of shit. Yes, he calls him a piece of shit, which I was like, yeah, man. Meanwhile, a wall, you know, because it's a castle in a movie, so like there's a wall that's coming down.

Yes. And it's a good of crush Vin Diesel. He's like, I don't care. Fuck it. Fuck it. Hey, fuck it. And he's just still doing this, shooting at this fucking boat until finally someone's like, I guess I'll put like an oxygen tank in between this to save your life. I live for being crippled

bitch. Take my legs, shit! Because this guy is like, oh, you missed me, Zander Cage, and then, like, Vin Diesel gets him, like, right in the back, and this dude kind of, like, falls, and he's trying to steer the boat, and the way that they edit this, it's so

terrible, this guy just goes, well, oh, whoa, wah! And, like, turns the boat, and this thing immediately crashes into a wall and explodes. It is so fucking funny. And now this secret missile submarine called Ahab is heading towards Prague. It's going to blow up, like,

a million in 15 people and like oh my god we better run and they get into the super car that the tech gives them and he gives them an instruction manual so we all know right now the movie is now villainless yes everyone is dead

yep there is no okay gone it's just a threat it's just the ticking bomb I need the villain needs to be the last thing you kill always you know what I mean like learn from fucking golden eye man it's like look at all look at all these other movies that have done this type of thing like for example, a previous episode, Air Force One.

Sure. Gary Olman's dead. Great. The movie's over. Nope. We got to watch him land the plane for 20 minutes. It's insane. Like this dude being dead needs to be one of the last things.

Like when Alan Rickman falls from that fucking building, we're in credits in 30 seconds. It's it. That is it. Like he fucking, he hugs Reginaldell Johnson and that's the end of the movie. It turns out Hans Gruber had a bomb rig to go. So it's now 20 minutes of me trying to figure that out. And that's the problem with the third diehard movie actually is because like the movie's fucking over with. And then Bruce Willis is like, oh, wait a minute.

What? I got to go to Canada for some reason. Okay. That's like a classic movie. Die Hard 3 is a classic movie of which like you like watching it on cable but like you don't really hang around for the ending. No, there's no reason to. Yeah. You're going to dinner before that.

Exactly. Especially because once Sam Jackson is out of them, like once that bloat, the boat blows up and they both jump off it. Like that's kind of it. Yeah. That's where you can turn off Die Hard with. vengeance but so the going after and the fucking like nickels and may these two it's oziar gento and vin diesel in this fucking car arguing over reading an instruction manual and the gag is like she can't read this dude's handwriting and he's like give me something to stop this thing

and she's like i don't know i'm looking at instruction manual it's not there and it's like we're look in the back and use the index what about that then it's fucking stupid because he like he like the river turns one way and the road goes the other he's like oh shit hey is this road go back to the river and she's like I don't know and he goes come on check the GPS

and you're like stop just naming devices in this car but then he's like oh yes it does in 50 miles so then he goes for 50 miles through like these tight streets and stuff and like there's also we're doing like this speaking of the rock it's like

we're going to have to nuke this thing and yeah, it's going to be bad. One city versus the whole world or whatever. So there's this threat of like this nuke going off, blah, blah, blah. That's the flamethrower. Use the rocket launcher, an actual line. So basically what he does is use an injector seat and a harpoon gun that he gets. And he's basically kind of parasailing to get to the...

With an American flag parachute, by the line. You better believe it. You better believe it. This is kind of the stuntman that died during this movie. Oh, someone died? Oh, yeah. He died during this. It's fucked up. He died in this stunt.

They did the stunt one. It's the parasail when he gets into the ship, right? Uh-huh. Because he's pariselling under this bridge and all sorts of. It looks very dangerous. It's real. I thought it was all fake. He did it once and they liked it.

And they're like, all right, let's do it again. The second time he died, the first one is in the fucking movie, dude. No. Oh, God. It's dedicated to his... This movie's dedicated to his honor. Oh, I guess he hit the bridge, is the idea? I guess so.

I'm not sure they don't say... Wait, is that not on the DVD? They don't show it under the blooper reel. Geez, that's awful. But, like, you got what you need and you're like, we want coverage and then somebody died shit. Man, that's on you, Rob Cohen. And then also, fuck, you don't even use the death footage?

Well, I mean, you can't use the death. Well, I'm not saying I want... want to see impact, but like at least one shot. It's just he's going right towards the bridge. I live on it. If he was Bugs Bunny, that would have worked. Yeah, it would have worked. He's kind of Bugs Bunny.

They'll just dust it off. A little bit. So he's got these like hilarious cock missiles that he's like staring at. It's just like there's so much of this, the end of this movie is him being looking at these missiles like, I like literally have no idea what to do. Whoa man. I am really out of my league here. Wait, if I had a skateboard.

Wait, no, that wouldn't work. This was the one instance where extreme sports didn't save him. He's like, all right, skateboarding, no. Inline skating, definitely not. I already did parasailing. So he says, welcome to the Xander zone and then pushes this, like, submarine underwater somehow. Oh, right, because they say, like, he pulls, like, something. out of it to make it go under water

but they had the hard drive whatever the fuck and then like previously in the film like when those Russians were toasting before they all got gas they were saying like how like oh the way this gas like well works

yeah like the way to get rid of it is to like flush it through water or something like oh right and then it becomes untraceable that's right yeah okay so this whole thing blows up like underwater uh there's a garbage 25 seconds where you think that Zander Cage didn't make it

whatever. Sam Jackson and Ozzy Argentor are like on this bridge and he's like, well, killed another extreme sports talent. Looks like it's back to the drawing board for me. That's why I keep buying these Tony Hawk

games, man. That's where I get them. That's how I find them. See the new rosters of people I want to murder. Speaking of the death of Zander Cage, I read this today that apparently on the DVD re-release prior to Triple X State of the Union. There's a short film

called The Death of Zander Cage. And they get the stuntman, I guess not the one that died, but the one that lived, the boy that lived, to play Xander being murdered to set up the next movie. So it's like,

yeah, Zander Cage is just dead. Honestly, you saying this now? I kind of remember this. It's like you don't see Vin Diesel's face. It's a weird, like from behind, it's just a bald guy and you see the tattoo? I guess.

Is this what it is? I didn't watch it. I have a vague recollection that this thing existing. That's what the Union's about. He's dead and then they go ice cube to figure it out. But then now it's, now that he's back. Now that it's 2018 and the wells dry where Xander Cage is back in business, baby. Back in business.

And, oh, sorry. No, when did that movie come out? Last year. Last year, yeah. 2017. January and literally no one saw. Yeah, I didn't see it. our broadcasting friend who's currently on vacation Chris Cabin saw it oh good for him

must be nice not to see him return to Xander Cage no vacations I need the vacation so he obviously lives and he's like all right I'm going to

Bora Bora or whatever the fuck yep and you cut to Vin Diesel on the beach more make it out dude more making out that's exactly right oh yeah welcome to the

San Diego so disgusting It's so disgusting. Suck zone. Yep, disgusting also. Suck zone. Previous episodes, the Suck Zone. Twister.

Speaking of Twisters, Titty Twisters, Vin Diesel has a fucking dumb nipple tattoo in this movie. Oh, yeah. Because he's like on the beach, like Xander Cage has all these tattoos, and it's like a fucking sun around his nipple. Yes, I saw that.

Oh, man. That's pretty cool, man. Hey, suck the sun. And they have a sequel set up because Sam Jackson comes on those Motorola video phone. And he's like, hey, Cage, are you there? Oh, also, I'm spying on you on a satellite.

I totally know you're still there. And it's a weird thing where, like, you're looking through the screen of this, like, pre-Faestime Motorola or whatever the fuck. But what they're showing you is a different camera that's shooting Sam Jackson saying this dialogue and putting it on the Motorola screen. And what you're looking at is Sam Jackson looking at another camera source? Oh, really? Yeah, it's just a huge fucking error.

In a Rob Cohen movie? I know. I know. Stutman died. People are looking at the wrong camera. It's just a fucking disaster. But it's like a total sequel setup kind of a thing. He's like, there's another thing we got to do, Cage.

And he's like, I knew it. No vacation for old Xander Cage. Oh, by the way, what happened to my ex-games career, and our video game contract, or anything that happens in the first 29 minutes of this film? Somebody called JJ. I want to see the update on my underground website. Or whatever happened

to your older bro. Nicholas. Or Johnny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a whole family. Oh, wow. That's awesome. Oh, I got to go to Outworld now

to avenge my brother's death. Eat shit shout con. Oh, wait, they keep mistaken me for one of the monsters. No, I'm fighting you guys. I'm not on yours. Can't beat him, John. him. No, I swear, I just literally have two arms. It looks like I have four because of the weird way my body is shaped. But no, it's seriously just two arms.

So the movie's over with... And 12 testicles. They have a terrible CGI outro. Dude, what the fuck is this? Over a Gavin Rosdale cover or something or other? I don't know what the fuck this shit was. But dude, I'm watching it. And I was like, did I accidentally take acid? Or I'm like, or I thought I was watching this on Amazon. I'm like, is this the DVD menu? Did they want to show me the DVD? This is fucking Ed Hardy doing the James Bond thing.

Yes. And dude, the most amazing like three sequences in this thing, total faith. There is a dragon that's flying around the screen. Very Chinese dragon looking kind of. And you see that sort of like swirl off the screen as a spiraling American flag comes through. So you got the red, you got the white. and the blue's going to kick through the screen. Bam, directed by Rob Cohen.

It is the most ridiculous, gaudy, disgusting credit sequence. I've seen a really long time. Hey, Poppy, I've got a new favorite movie. A bar, he's down there watching his triple X videos again. We got a couple of wars to be dealing with up here. This week he's watching Triple X videos. Last week he tells me he's watching Triple X videos. Watching a Spice Girls movie.

I got a deal with Schwartzcoff using my recliner, having a cocktail briefing me about the war. I got my no good son playing video games watching poros. Storm and Norman sitting in my chair. Don't you have somewhere to storm too? Out of my man cave. Oh, and I just got to say I stuck around for not Stinger's soundtrack references. this. And just get a load of this. Gavin Rostale, Romstein, Drowning Pool, custom.

Somebody named Pastor Troy, Furman 4. What? Wait, the Mark Furman 4? Is that what you? Excuse me, did you say Castor Troy? Moby. Oh, nice. Something called Gnare. I don't know if that's a person. The Chemical Brothers. Queens of the Stone Age. Oh, I heard the Queen's song. Yeah. Orbital. And then you got any R-D, hate breed, and don't forget, Mozart. Oh, well. With the rap parts in there, right? Yeah, so with the rap parts left in.

Would anybody recommend this movie? It's kind of a hangover movie. It's really long. It's really on the cusp. It's really silly. It's such a product of its time. It's kind of worth seeing once. Yeah.

It's kind of worth seeing once. I'll put a pin in there. Yeah, I would kind of lightly run. recommend it as well. I would say it's definitely a hangover movie because it does lag at certain parts. You could totally fall asleep, wake up, and you're fine. And it's such, it's so dumb. It becomes fun. Yeah. I agree with it. It's so dumb. It becomes fun. I kind of had fun watching this movie. I was in all the right mental places to be watching this movie. A little tall glass of water. It is kind of a hangover movie. It's a little loud for a hangover movie. Yes, that's true. What with the soundtrack and the explosions and the Vindiseling? Sure. So you might not get the rest you need with a hangover movie necessarily. But I went and watched the trailers for the other two movies.

I got to tell you, this Ice Cube one kind of looks fun. Okay. I mean, Ice Cube, I think it's kind of way, he is way more charismatic than Vin Diesel. Oh, for sure. As far as like a wisecracking, you know, extreme secret agent dude, I'll take Ice Cube. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see, who knows.

Well, and and starring as the villain in a sequel nobody asked for, it's fucking Willem Defoe. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I'm a crooked, I think he's like... Something. He's like a secretary of defense

or something like that? Secretary of something, Spider-Man. That is Triple X, not pornography. If you want more we hate movies, check out WHM Podcast.com. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com.

Also, find us over on the HeadGum Network, by the way, if you're not going to go to our website. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate that. Yeah, that is important to strike. some people some no good necks have been giving us bad reviews so help balance them out by giving us a review on iTunes or wherever you get the show and I want to just mention I got handed something from the newsroom oh really but first is it June this is June yes it's June our Patreon episode

for the month is Jurassic World that's right there's a bunch of other episodes on there that you could get such as Bright that was a Netflix original oh I remember that movie right I saw And what do we do after that? Man of Steel we did. That second ghost writer movie. Spirit of Vengeance with Xander's brother? Transcendence is on. There's a ton of,

jungle to jungle. A ton of great content for five bucks. Five bucks, you get that. You get the archive of the first hundred episodes completely ad-free. Plus, you unlock like, I don't know, 22, 23, something like that of animation damnation you can get.

We just did Thundercats, by the way. That's a thing people like. That is. We also have an $8 level where we have a Star Trek recap podcast, which is a ton of fun. If you loved all the Patrick Stewart impressions on that Wolverine Origins episode, you get a ton of that there. Plus commentary tracks are also unlocked at that level. I would say this. Can we tease what the next commentary is going to be?

Oh, please. Fuck. This is a good set because we did, go on, we did the other films in this franchise. That's right. That are also on commentaries available now. Correct. The next commentary will be a Twilight commentary. It'll be the only Twilight Commentary of 2018, but Steve Sadek

we're doing something really stupid along with his commentary. Tell them what they've won. We've sat through the first two of these stupid movies. Which are available now as commentary trips. I think they know. Which you'll unlock that eight bucks. We will at least sometime in July. It will be

a Twilight Mentary, but the first hour of which will be a power hour because we are 35 years old and we'll be taking a shot of beer every minute and be getting progressively more drunk trying to watch a twilight movie we haven't decided yet if we're going to watch a movie beforehand or not that's good that's some internal conversations i think we should go in cold that might be fun i kind of want to go in cold too so i don't have to watch it twice that's a great idea so we'll do that um

so that's going to happen sometime in july you get it four commentaries a year this is going to be a very silly outing for the we hate movies boys we i don't think any of anyone in this room has done a power hour or a drinking game in about 12 years. So that'll be fun. Yeah, we'll see what happens. So there's all that going on. And next week on the program, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on. Steve Sadek, what do we got going on?

We've got two things coming in here. One's a dinosaur and one's Ben Worcester. It is Jurassic Park 3. Oh, fuck yeah. So our good friend, Ben Worcester, from over unhooked on T.J. Hooker will be filling in.

That's right. Occupying a chair, a seat on the couch, if you will. So people know what that is. Me and Ben are doing the dumbest endeavor possible where we're recapping every single episode of the show T.J. Hooker, which, not even your parents watched, you can find it at t.jahooker

podcast.com. Shows a lot of fun. That's right. I just guessed it on one. It was a lot of fun. So Ben Worcester in studio next week, talking JP3. Until then, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadeh. Eric Siska. With a lot of exes in it. Take it. That was a hate gum podcast.