We Hate Movies - S8 Ep362: Episode 363 - Jurassic Park III

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on as the gang welcomes friend of the show—and Hooked on TJ Hooker co-host—Ben Worcester to chat about the sad, short, and cheap sequel, Jurassic Park III! Why couldn't they entice Laura Dern to play a larger role in the film? Why does this sequel also start with rich people getting lost on the island? And bring on the proud Jurassic Park tradition of getting elbow-deep in dino-doo! PLUS: Alexander Payne's movies, but with dinosaurs instead of famous celebs!  Jurassic Park III stars Sam Neill, William H. Macy, Téa Leoni, Alessandro Nivola, Trevor Morgan, Michael Jeter, John Diehl, and Laura Dern; directed by Joe Johnston. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, it's the third time someone goes on an island and a bunch of dinosaurs fuck shit up with special guests, our beloved Ben Worcester. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. Beloved Ben Worcester. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the fine program, as always. I'm so excited for beloved Ben Worcester, because that makes you, my friend, a BBW.

Yes. I saw pictures of you I've paid for pictures That was my nickname back in high school Welcome back to the show, buddy Happy to be here It's summertime, it's Blackbuster season Totally

Time to talk about dinosaurs Yeah Now we have you We'll get this out of the way up top While people are still listening We have you out of uniform It's true I'm in my civvies today

But you still have your peace on you Well always I know he's packing heat It never leaves my side Of course But of course we're referencing Your show Hooked on TJ Hooker That you co-host alongside

There's other lug next to you on the couch Yes I'm a lug And Me and Ben do a stupid show We decided to come up with Now what is the one thing The Internet won't want at all What is the weirdest

Most niche idea that no one would ever possibly want to listen to Civility on Twitter that is that yes but in audio form it is the form of hooked on t j hooker which is a podcast that recaps yes every single episode of tj hooker starring william shatner oh which by the way i think is ingenious because it's it is all of that but yet at the same time because of shatner because of the star trek connection it's it's going to just slowly find its way it's finding it's very this show

Very slowly. Both of you guys and Chris Cabin have appeared on the show as guests, guest stars. Oh, we've had them in the back of the squad car. Exactly, yeah. Perps made this one, made this funny one with glasses, do the perp walk the other week. Slapped the cuffs on him.

You know, I just thought up on an idea that I want someone out there to make me. Anyone who's good at working with leather. Okay. Yeah, listen up. Hello. It's, you know how cops wear that, like, a gun around their leg, that little anklet gun thing? Yeah, the break glass in case of emergency.

I want that, but I want it just closed at the bottom so I could put M&Ms in there, like, peanut M&Ms. They can go to the movies and they'll pat me down for the movies, but they don't know that I got a peanut M&M's in there. No, it's for one of your, like, big tube of M&Ns, you're only always keeping your pocket. Once that flies out of your hand in an altercation, you can still. rummage down to your foot and snack. Exactly. So I was like, all right, man, give me the M&Ms. And I take the one that I have definitely in my pocket.

I'm like, there you go. You got all my M&Ms on me, buddy. Yeah. What fucking movie theater are you going to? Where you're getting frisked? No, I know. But that would be cool as shit. It would be pretty cool. Speaking of coolest shit, I just want to also mention that you do

not have to watch T.J. Hooker to understand the show. It is actually jam-packed with audio clips from the show that might eventually lead to legal action. So visit the T.J. Hooker Podcast.com. There it is. So like I said, I'm top Jurassic Park 3 from 2001, directed by Joe Johnston.

Now, let's look at this directorial filmography. Starting in 1989, Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Did not return for that sequel that I just rewatched this weekend, Total episode. It's so funny. You said that because this movie feels like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids to me, so much.

I don't know why. Because it starts out, remember it starts out Jurassic Park 3, and there's like the slash of the three, it's the claw marks, and then it just starts going. Bup, ba-da-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-pah-da-ba-pah-pah-pah-bara. Dinosaurs are just ants. Right, exactly. It's all like big, sound-staging nonsense. Right. Very much, Honeymois shook the kids, to me anyway.

I feel like that slash fiction. The slash of the three kind of lets you know right off the bat what you're getting. and you're in trouble like yeah it's like oh you're like oh Jurassic Park yes here we go it's it's back again Sam Neal's back Alan Grant I'm ready to go and then it's the laziest slash of all time but they went they slapped a big three on it which I appreciate because Jurassic Park no no it's not even it doesn't even number two doesn't even start with Jurassic Park it is the lost world colon Jurassic Park it's like

It's a movie called The Lost World. Hey, I bet it's not related to Jurassic Park. I bet it's based on that Jurassic Park book sequel, The Lost World. I will say if you get on our Patreon.com, you will listen to my idea for legislation that would fix these problems. Oh, right. I forgot about that. What episode did you address this? That's on the Jurassic World episode.

Oh, correctamundo, which by the way is our June exclusive Patreon episode. She just said that. But now they can hear it again. And now they'll go to patreon.com. So what else we got for Joe Johnson? Oh, so check this shit out. The Rocketeer. Oh.

The live action only sequences of the Pagemaster. Wow. Jumanji, October Sky, then this shit. And then continuing the shit wave, Hidalgo, the Wolfman with Benicio D'Oro. He's about to break through shit. And here it comes six years after Hidalgo. No, sorry. 2010 is the Wolfman the next year, Captain America the First Avenger.

Now that's a curb bottle. And he was an art guy on the Empire Strikes Back. He designed Fet's armor, I believe. Do you know why he directed this movie? He wore Steven Spielberg down, it seems. Really? Because when Jurassic Park came out, him and Spielberg are buddies because of all that, you know, Lucas connection. You know, they're probably smoking reefers and George's couch kind of situation.

Oh, yeah, a lot of like summer BBQs. and shit. And he's like, dude, you got to let me direct a Jurassic Park sequel. And Spielberg said to him yeah, maybe the third one. Like he's like definitely the second one is off the table. That is a verbal contract Stephen. That is a verbal contract.

That's kind of insane though because wasn't the Lost World Spielberg's first sequel and I guess possibly only sequel? Probably. Did he direct that thing? He did? Yeah. Oh, that's God damn. That sucks. Oh, wait. You guys haven't heard about Lincoln 2? Fuck yeah, dude

It's in development right now It's about, okay now It's about a lonely ghost Hanging around the White House More more specifically The Lincoln bedroom For some reason That'd be great if it just wasn't

Lincoln's ghost And he's a pervert And he watches everyone Have sex I swear to God There's a ghost watching me Poma Willie That's why

That's why he'd a big hat To cover his erections Oh is that what you were going to say Oh, man, you're giving me a good idea for a book sequel to my book. The president is missing. It's going to be the president's ghost is missing. What's the response to that book? Terrible.

I don't give a shit. It's him and who, James Patterson? That means it can't be good. Oh, I see. That means it's being opened at a mall food court right now. Or an airport bathroom. Oh, yeah, dude. It's the book.

of the summer, fellas. Whatever happened to the songs of the summer. Do we still have those? We must. We're just too old. Yeah. What is it? Just like bleeps and bloops. Yes, exactly. The droids. Troids, bleepin and bloopin.

So this movie... I'm sorry. I don't listen to the internet. This movie opens up on... We're doing like this bullshit tour, right? It's the same exact situation that the second one starts in. Which is rich people getting fucked

by dinosaurs. Well, also the weird thing is it says, you know, it opens an Isla Sornah, Costa Rica, and then it goes Restricted and Big Red, like, what are we doing? What, is this from the Jurassic Park The Ride? Like, I'm in a movie theater right now. Keep restricted out of here. And it would be those shitty rides

where it was just a minivan on a hydraulic lift. Oh, yeah. Like that Back to the Future ride, I fucking rode that thing back in 1998 and I'm still burned about it. No, I never been. I never rode any of these. Now, is that just like you get into like a car and there's just a computer

screen in front of you? Yeah. It's just you get, it's like maybe like three or four rows. It looks exactly like a mini-event. Like, not a minivan. That's fucking bullshit. Those vans that like churches and community centers often have. Oh boy. Sounds fun. It's like a bastardized

bus slash van. Yeah. Oh, the bastard bus, too. You sit there and there's a huge TV scream and it just plays a movie and the fucking van is on hydraulics and it just moves around. Wow. When this van's a knock a way, rocking. Yes.

Yeah. Do you have sex in that van? What? In back to the future of the ride? Someone must have. Maybe. Maybe that's why it closed. I'm just riffing. It's restricted because this is, by the way, we should put out any confusion. This is

the island from the second film. Yes. They had a second like a staging era. Okay. I was just going to ask. We're speaking of Islas. Right. We're dealing with Sorna, Sorna? Sorna. Sorna. Not Neublar.

Not Neublar. Sorna. Sorna. And that was the second movie. It's basically like an in-gen compound. Got it. Yeah. Are these words? This is like colds that weird kids get. Oh no, he came down with the Slorna. I just feel like it's, you know, the poor fucking Costa Rican government is like, here, man, here's

Two islands with dinosaurs. And you know John Howells like, oh no, it'll only be one island of dinosaurs. The other island's going to have, it's going to where I park all my cars and all my, I'm just going to keep up my keys on that island. Yes, it's going to be a parking lot and a golf course. Yeah, golf course. For my many helicopters. Do you have two islands with dinosaurs?

Oh, man. But it sucks, man. These poor fucking people. It's awful. And, like, what I want is, like, the legal case. Like, where's that movie? Give me a courtroom drama. Yeah, where it's John Hammond.

Didn't S&L just do that? Oh, did they? I guess so. The Donald Glover, Donald Glover episode of S&L. Didn't they do a court case with Jurassic Park? Oh, yes, they did. He was, like, the terrible lawyer or something. Honestly, give me a whole movie of that.

I'd watch it. But he, I'm like, that actually kind of comes up in when Alan Grant is giving a speech, somebody is, like, raises their hand and be like, yeah, once they, once the United States and Coast of. government figure out what to do with that island won't you be out of business or something like that and it's like figure out what blow it up be also these are monsters what these are creatures i'll stop you right there what business what business have we ever seen in any of these fucking movies i guess Jurassic world actually has a functioning park they finally got it up and running the second

movie doesn't no how in the red are they all the all the way all the way that that guy the guy in the fourth movie in Jurassic World from Slumdog Millionaire there. Oh, Erf and Khan. He must have gotten this for a song. You know what I mean? Like, really just like, I'll take it off your hands for a hundred grand. I think what it was, though, was he was a dude that was just like this billionaire who was buying InGen, and he kept being like, InGen, why does that ring familiar?

I'll just buy this InGen company. And they're like, congratulations, you own four dozen dinosaurs. Wait, what? But this business, so basically like, it's essentially turned into a haunted house where the neighborhood kids like try and get as close to it as possible and dare each other to go near it? Yes, that's exactly what this is. Oh, that's the island with that old lady dinosaur who's weird and we hate her.

Go knock on our door and tell that dinosaur to fuck off. You can't be friends with us unless you tell off that dinosaur. People are playing like a frisbee on a yacht and oops it goes on the ice. Island. Oh, it's gone. Or there's like, oh, we heard there's a nasty dog over there. Don't hit the baseball over there. The sandlot had a dinosaur in it. That's right. It was named James Earl Jones. No, but didn't you have a beast or something? Yeah. It was like a, at least from another realm, right? Yeah. It was a dimensional portal. It was a huge, the huge jaws that ate that softball. Yeah, it was the most terrifying

Basset hound you've ever seen. It was just like a Rottweiler. Yeah, I guess so. I thought it was one of those dogs. What's the dog that, like, is in the Alps and has the, like... Oh, it's the St. Bernard. Maybe it was the St. Bernard.

Maybe it was a St. Bernard. The dog that brings alcohol to people. Yeah, it's just. Thus, the coolest dog there is. I always loved to freeze to death as a kid when I saw that. Coolest and most important dog. So, yeah, they're, doing some parasailing really close to it and apparently like they're a little closer than they should be

because like who the fuck could care. Did you guys catch what the parasail says? Dinosaur. Oh, yeah, it does. I get it? It's because it's like they're soaring in the air. Get it? Yeah. Yeah. Just fill it in the blanks there. Where was a taradactyl to fucking eat these people? Well, I think that's what happens to the boat crew, right? I think so. It's they don't give it away. But like, yeah, these guys disappear from the boat and you're like you hear some like oh do you oh i'd always thought because i've seen this movie a few times i always thought that it was like one of the amphibious dinosaurs that you didn't get to see because they didn't have the money for it oh i see and it just like came up and chomped them or something i thought it was jason vorhees also could have worked it this is camp crystal

lake and that's what i like about and that's that's the one thing i'll one of the many things i'll strike this movie for i need a bigger body count you know what i mean we're doing Jurassic Park 3 The original plot of this movie was supposed to be a bunch of teens on the island Now you got something

Oh there we go Now you got a movie Well also Spielberg's original idea For this movie Is kind of cool He pitched a thing to Joe Johnson That was like

What if Alan Grant Was like hiding in a smaller island Trying to do dinosaur research Like away from InGen or whatever And he was just like This weird dude Living in a hut Married to a dinosaur.

Yeah. And then Joe Johnson was like, No. Nope. I know better than Steven Spielberg, thank you. Well, there's that, there's that pitch. They rewrote this movie

in the last five minutes, the last five weeks of, right before they went to shoot, it was supposed to be like about dinosaurs were getting off the island and killing people and there was like an investigation and blah blah, blah, blah. Yeah, all sorts of stuff. They didn't have a completed script this entire time

they were filming the movie. Didn't tell. Yeah, big time. There's a lot of warning signs in the first two minutes. There's, again, the three-claw slash. Did you catch the horrible, like, green screen when they show the guy's parasailing? Oh, my God. You're just like, oh, it's so bad.

It's like Conan O'Brien riding his desk. Yes. That's what it was, basically. That kind of looked better. I remember the first time I saw that bit, I was like, Conan's riding a desk. desk in the sky this I was like those parasailers are faking it and then the boat you know because they're on the parasail and then they see oh the guys that are in the boat aren't there anymore so the boat's going to crash yeah boat hits the rocks doesn't blow up yeah you blow that boat up

just spend some money exactly blow that boat up it won't cost you that much it's a shitty looking boat to begin with yeah because otherwise it just like kind of gently crashes on some rocks You're like, oh, you could fix that boat. I want that boat to be irreparably damaged. So we cut to Alan Grant, welcome back to the franchise, Sam Neal. Yeah, had to get a fourth garage put on his house in New Zealand or something. He does not want to be in this movie at all. Right, you probably didn't want to be in the second movie, which when I was a kid,

and that's, you know, the world had Jurassic Park fever at the time. And that second movie was coming out, and I saw that he wasn't returning. And me as a little kid was like, no. You put Sam Neal in there or else. See, that's what's funny, though, dude. I was like, well, at least they got Goldblum and I went to the theater. I know. I skipped it until, like, very recently.

You're better off, man. Yeah. But, so, yeah, he's there. And, like, you think he's talking to his son because it's, like, that's kind of what the whole arc of the first movie is. He's, like, him and Ellie want to have kids. Right. He learns that he is actually good with kids. He, like, takes care of Tim and Lex and whatever.

But he's infertile or something. Oh, do you think, Joe, you think he's, his dick was broken definitely i think listen you're running around that fucking kitchen there's raptors there you fucking you fucking bust your nut not in a fun way like on like a kitchen counter or a knife or something and there's so much shit going on you don't know what's happened there's a deleted seat of alan grant accidentally doing a split and ripping his sack over he gets fucking horrific nut trauma but everything else hurts already so you're not like super concerned you're still trying to get out of the diet and then when you finally are done with the

fucking whole Jurassic Park thing, you notice your nuts gone. You know what it is? It's that raptor claw he carries around all the time. Oh, he just fell on the raptor claw. Oh, fuck. He pulled that out of his

innards. No, Tim. Oh, God. Fuck, Jim. Jim. Jim. Get somebody. Get somebody, Tim. Dude, no. If a Raptor claw punctured my sack,

leave me for dead. Because I don't want to tell anybody about that. That's the thing is like, maybe you don't know. notice in the moment so much is happening. Yeah, you're right. You're on that helicopter. Everybody's like, ha. You're like, my nuts are numb. I'll deal

with that later. That's the least of my problems. I think it's because these things, again, are not dinosaurs. They're monsters. Maybe they just have some kind of like aura that makes you sterile. Like, you know, they're radiated. Maybe they got, like, laser eyes. They just, like, kill sperm.

Yeah, it's possible. I like that idea, too. But he's not, but he's actually not this kid's dad. Fake out. It's a fake out. It actually got me for like longer than it. It should have because I guess I had 25 minutes after the scene was over.

You're like, wait a minute. But no. That boy didn't call him daddy. He called him Dino Man. Oh man, the Dino Man. That's a code name for a child molester. Hey Dino Man, you can't be 30 feet near this school. Or a weed dealer.

And also same story. Yeah. The same court-ordered punishment. There's two reasons you can't be near this school. But so, yeah, her husband shows up who very pointedly... Her being Laura Dern, by the way. Laura Dern is back in the movie. Welcome back to the franchise Laura Dern as well.

Dr. Ellie Sadler. She's married to a guy who... Oh, this guy's a real fucking bean counter, man. Works for the State Department, we're told. Oh, big important deed, by the way. This guy is in the movie Boiler Room as playing one of Cinema's history's best losers ever. Really? Yeah, he gets, like, fleeced really bad in that movie.

It's not a good movie at all. But if you want to see a really good fleecing, watch that guy's performance. And that's Vin Diesel, right? Yeah, he's in that, too. Giovanni Rebeasley. Rebezi, excuse me. Oh, yes. Who else is in that movie?

Benafleck is in that Tom Everett Scott. No, Tom Everett Scott's in Boil-Roe? Scott Kahn. Boiler Room has a following, right? Oh, I think somebody. you must like it. A bunch of brohems went into finance because of that movie. I feel like there's some word

association out there where it's like boiler room is to like shit. What's the, what's the Troy Duffy movie? Boondock Saints. I feel like they were. It's like Boondock Saints if you pull out calculators.

Bingo, baby. So, yeah, so like basically that's the whole point of that. scene. He's like, my husband works for the State Department. Goodbye movie because she did all of her scenes in one day. God damn it. How do you, they just had her for one day? How do you have Laura Dern like that close to your movie? And then that's it. I was, it was funny because I wrote down at the end of the movie when she comes back, I wrote down, poor Laura Dern. And then I thought about it and I crossed the note out. And I was like, smart Laura Dern. Literally like, she, like, she did the right

thing. She got paid for a day. She probably made a fucking King's Ransom. And that's it. She didn't have And she didn't have to see a stupid animatronic dinosaur at all. So did she get the king out of his hostage situation? Yes. Oh, King's ransom. Right. Like you meant there was a king being taking ransom, right? I'm going to stop the show dead to talk about this.

So Alan Grant goes back to a dig site because he's back with the bones and whatnot. And we're introduced to his assistant who is Alessandro Navarro, I think. is this dude's name. You've seen him most recently in disobedience playing the dude who's married to Rachel McAdams in that film. He's also in the most boring movie anyone ever made called

Oh, Jurassic Park 3. A most violent ear. Oh, God, yeah. But he's in a 90s blockbuster called Face Off playing Pollux Troy. That's right. Oh, my God.

What are my favorite characters? Also, it's Alessandro Nivola, is this guy's name, just for accuracy sake, and to stop the tweets. This guy, this guy works then. Yeah, he gets around. He's good in that disobedience movie. Not so much here. I saw him and was like, what happened to this guy? What happened to Pollux Troy?

Oh, man, a face off with dinosaurs? Now we've got a movie. Wait, you talking about like putting a dinosaur, like a Tyrannosaurus rex's head onto a raptor? Yeah, something like that. Or maybe the couple of raptor faces on a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And then that fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex goes home with the other dude's wife and she doesn't notice anything. Right. That sounds about right.

Kind of switching dinosaur faces, kind of the plot of Falling Kingdom. Oh, really? Which I'll just say very briefly because no one's seen it yet. I'm not going to take up our time. But you have. It's fucking terrible. It's embarrassingly bad. And it's worse than you think it is.

Do with that information what you will. Sounds about exactly right. Yeah. uh so so sam neal uh gets a gets a visit from mr william h macy and there's something about like he's already been turned down for like grant money is the idea and they're trying to like keep everything afloat it's the plot of the first movie again like he's still in grant this is like you know scientific peril this is the stakes of that life i guess it's constantly his life that's like the whole thing but also i guess that means did john hammond not pay out yeah that's a good call i think he had to

but maybe he just spent it all on his nut reconstructed in the second movie because I never really watched the second movie or like I watched parts of it on television and I only watched parts of this on television so I didn't remember any of it so I rewatched two and then three and two there was some line I guess because Ian Malcolm's being like shown to be like like they're blackballing him they're showing that he's like a crazy person or whatever in the press. Right. And they mentioned that Grant and Laura Dern signed the non-disclosure, so they must have gotten money not to talk about it. Well, Dr. Grant, we can

reconstruct your balls, but it will have to invent nanobots to do it. And that's going to cost them. Oh, and you can't talk about Jurassic Park. Your new balls will be a property of InJet. Oh, dude. Wait, you're crossbreeding my semen with dinosaurs. And it's not part of the deal, Hammond. It is a blackballing procedure that we've just developed. Very, very high tech.

We also are putting a little bit of bullfrog DNA in your balls. Just to bridge the gap. So if you have kids, they might be, yes, they might be frog kids. That's why they didn't have kids. That's the reason. Ellie, I can't take it. They might be frog people. Battle Toads, man.

Fuck, yes. That would be awesome. You know what? His kid was the shape of water. So he gives a speech to raise some money. Oh, I forgot about this. But it's just, it's that kind of Simpsons joke of like, does anyone have any questions that everyone raises their hand? And he's like, keeping in mind, we're not talking about the dinosaur island and everybody who puts it down kind of a thing. But then it's even worse, though, because he's like, questions not pertaining to Jurassic Park.

a bunch of hands go down and then he's like or that thing in San Diego which I didn't witness personally and I was like yes we all saw the fucking dumb third act of that last movie so yeah but he gets approached by William H. Macy The cooler. The cooler himself

The cooler himself. The cooler's a way better movie than this. Oh yeah well he's he looks like he's in disguise I don't know what it's a bad hair dye situation like it's the hair dye is off the moustache Ash is a bit unsettling. He's got a Jay Jonah Jameson mustache.

He does. He trims it like way above the lip. So that's kind of, yeah, that's what makes it unsettling. I feel like he's also, you know, he's Gary Lundergardeing a little bit in this movie. Yes. Oh, yeah. Because he has to play like a timid boob. Yeah, exactly.

Around? But he claims to be a thrill seeker to like win this dude over. That's why this is all on Sam Neal, dude. Because all he sees his dollar signs, but he should look through that shit and be like, this man ain't no world adventurer yeah he's a rude man he is because he's already been conned by hammond that's true that's actually true right so then he was like oh there's a hot mark even hammond got him yeah i mean like it's and it's also the same con come to this island i promise nothing's going to happen to you yeah by the way whoops dinosaurs i mean hamond john hammond

that was a whole that was a ponsie skis the man ran a fucking flea circus He told us all about his early days as a con man. You're right. And we all cried about it, and everybody ate ice cream. His flea circus. Oh, look, I'm ripping off all these stupid people. Oh, Ellie, you're so stupid. I got you and your friend.

Friend. But here's the thing about, and this is the move you make, if you are Alangar. Because, you know, he sits down to him, Alessonarneville, Billy. Taylione is William H. Macy's wife. We'll see that when that happens. And of course, Bill Macy. And Bill Macy's like, look, you know, and, you know, Alan Gratz said, out of the question.

I'll never return to any island that's dinosaurs on it, no matter what it is. Nublar, suplar, I don't give a shit. And he's like, yeah, but I'll write down whatever number you want, man. And then he's like, oh, well, say. No, you do half now, half upon completion. Yep.

Wait for that check to clear, motherfucker. But it was also like a flyover situation, wasn't it? It's like, okay, we're going to go there. We'll pay you. We're just going to fly around the island. Right. So they say, like, for their wedding anniversary, they've done all sorts of crazy world traveling adventures. And sex tourism.

Big time sex tourism. Oh, definitely. They've bought people. Oh, yeah. And they even drop that they're like, oh, we're such thrill seekers. We even got the first tickets to the moon on the first commercial flight. It's like, shut the fuck up. That should have been in.

No one's selling those yet. Dead giveaway right there. Exactly. Come on. That's why Alan Grant, sometimes you've got to look to the stars, man. He would have realized that that was a fucking horse shit.

But he's not a star scientist. Yo, yeah, get your nose out of them fossils and look up to the stars. Exactly. Yeah, get that bone out of your face.

Wait three days for the check too clear. Steve's right. Half now, half on completion of the mission. Definitely. Seriously. So they're like, we want to go.

We just want to drive. We don't do like a flyby. We just want to see some dinosaurs and he's like well the plane's not going to get low enough you see diddly dick anyway lady and she's like no we got special clearance uh you know we can fly as low as we want and even alan grant's like well that sounds like a lie like immediately he's like that sounds completely unbelievable and they're like yeah but it's it's true don't worry about it don't ask to see the permits don't add like ask for a phone number for somebody at the fucking Costa rican government

office to like ask them if this is true. Ignore these gun-toting goons that are flying in the plane with us. I mean like this guy is a rube, an honest to goodness rube. Oh my God. But so yeah, we also cut to Michael

Jeter, mercenary Jeter, I'll call him. This film. Who's running both John Deal and some other guy. Yeah. Oh, John deal's one of these? Oh, yes. Yeah. Oh, John Deal's like the first guy to get killed? Have we already had the scene of this crack team that they've assembled sniping planes?

Oh, that's how we meet them. Yeah. Where they're just like on an airfield testing out there. You're like, what's with all this equipment, you know? Yeah. I guess to hunt dinosaurs or something. Dino hunting gear, man. Or I guess, you know, big game hunting gear might apply here.

The biggest game. Like, why make this movie? Why not just make Turok the Dinosaur Hunter? I would have loved a Turok movie. Remember that video game from a thousand years ago? Oh, yeah. For N64. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It was awesome. I fucking played that game for it. Dude, Torok dinosaur hunter colon, Jurassic Park. There you go. Now we've got a protagonist I can get behind. Right.

And he's not getting calm to go on that island. He wants to go on that island. Why? Because he's a futuristic dinosaur hunter. Oh, and by the way, we're doing it all first person. Oh, that would be kind of cool. You're just Turak face. The screen is Torok.

It's hardcore Henry, but with dinosaurs. Listen, you could do, if you didn't do the first person part of it, I bet you dollars to donuts, you could have a pretty decent Turok movie. You cast Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Oh, done. Fuck yeah, right? Funeristic Dino Hunter?

Capital T, lowercase U, capital R. Oh, Turok, my friend. Oh, yeah, dude. All right, so we got the ad campaign. Now we just have to make the movie. And that's the thing is it, To Rock or not To Rock? He definitely says that at one point

But here's the thing This summer the rock is to rock Yes yes yes My thing is though In any of these movies And correct me if I'm wrong Because I haven't watched all of them And I totally forgot Jurassic World

Even though I just watched it last week Never do you see anyone Just fucking take a shotgun To a dinosaur's head Oh my God I would love to see that That's what that's So show me an eyeball flying out of a skull And with Michael Jeter's mercenaries

I'm like, oh, cool, because they have all this heavy artillery. Like Ben said, you show them blow up a plane. I'm like, I want to see this gun take down something. Yeah, like, here we fucking go. Yes, exactly. I'll tell you this. He doesn't do that in the second movie. He talks a big game, but he doesn't do it.

He talks a big game about being a big game hunter. Or like, you know, your little sound effect reminded me of Predator with Jesse the Body Ventura. Get a crew like that. Get some real fucking beefcake mercs. I'm going to be going to this Isla Nublaars

And I'm going to be hunting what they're telling me is dinosaurs William H. Macy promised me a gazillion dollars to go hunt dinosaurs I was like, you ain't got a gazillion dollars Then I was like, shut up, Jesse, you don't know that that's not a word But there's this, yes, there's the scene right there a whole cloud of pterodactyl's coming in, you're just taking them down out of the sky. Come on! I'll tell you this.

Well, actually, the pterodactyls kind of get shot to shit in that Jurassic world. Oh, yeah, a little bit. So basically, it's all these people that are on a plane and, like, you know, we've conned everyone into doing this adventure. Yeah, and this is where my favorite scene of all time happens. This is as close as we get to that gag on the critic. it's like Sam Neal is

Is this his dream? Yeah and he's like looking around And there's a fucking dinosaur That's a raptor sitting in the plane seat Like well hey Alan And he like wakes up from this dream And I was like fuck a talking raptor That's exactly what that critic gag was

And it's so amazing But you would have dinosaur nightmares all the time Constantly would they always be that hilarious though Probably not I mean raptors are smart Yeah that's talking smart Real smart Raptors could perform the entire film Boiler Room.

They're smart enough to do Boilerm for sure. I mean, talk about a killer instinct. You're going to need it in this business. All right, Chris Pratt. Now, as we understand it, you taught these Raptors to run in a pattern and hunt in a pack with you, right? No, but I did teach them how to act out

the entirety of the film Boiler Room. Does that do anything for you, Vincent DiNoffrio? And then like the guy's watching it. This is just like that Raptors, that speech is so much like that, that Raptor doing Ben Affleck is so much like that other raptor that does Alec Baldwin, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. It's the same goddamn raptor practically. My thing though. Yes. So he's having dreams, he's having nightmares.

He thinks he has like sort of sexual dreams. Oh, wait, about raptors? Like maybe he's like at a bar and he's like approaching a leggy blonde. Yes, much like the lady grandma. And he's like, oh, may I buy you a drink and then just flash back? And it's got the, it's got the wrap. Yeah, because it's all, it's, it all stems from his nut trauma. Yes. Yes. You know, it's like the reoccurring. When, when the claw touches your, your nuts. Yeah. You don't go back. Fuck, dude, man. Imagine that's slicing right through. Oh, I don't want to. It's horrifying. Think about it. Or it be awesome if like, Alan Grant's having a dream. And it's like, everything turns to black and white. And he's like, staring. at this radiator and then he looks

closer to the radiator and then he goes inside the radiator and there's this raptor standing on a stage and it's like in heaven everything is fine I would love it gee golly fellas you found a way to improve my classic

eraser head eraser head but the baby's a little a raptor right? It kind of looks like a raptor anyway exactly he's like I got to take care of this Raptor. It's my kid, I guess, because my nut raptors were involved. I don't know what happened. Or Raptorhead.

Or Raptorhead, yeah. Instead of Raptorhead is exactly correct. I'm never going to step over that. That's great. Instead of Bill Pullman waking up as Balthus Argeti in Lost Highway, he wakes up as a raptor. Better movie. Oh my God, definitely.

Who wants Gettie anyway? No. That's true. And then it's Gary Busey yelling at a raptor. You come. Is Balazar Getty heir to the Getty Images fortune? He might be. Probably actually, right? Don't they have like a telescope as well?

A little rich boy over here. Yeah. Well, it makes sense, though, because that's why you could care so little about your acting career. David Lynch loves the guy, though. He does. I don't get it. He was in the... He was in Twin Peaks for like a split second.

He was in the new one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing magic. Doing magic. So is David Lynch, man. That's right. So they, they, the, um, Alan Grant realizes, oh, my God, why are we trying to land? And they knock him out really unceremoniously and downright sillily.

The hard way. Like back to the future, too. That's the dumbest thing in that movie. But it's weird because it's, it's kind of the hilarious, like, when you're on a tour and nobody's listening to the tour guide? Because he still thinks he's there to show them dinosaurs and they're flying around and he's like, oh, Taya Leone, look

over here. It's a herd of brachiosaurus doing blah, blah, blah. And she's like, hey, William H. Macy, you see anything up there? And he's like, no, the dinosaurs, ma'am are right over here. And like, it takes him way too long to get hip to what's going on. And when he does, they're

like, all right, we're going to come in for a landing. And he's like, you can't land anywhere. And they knock him the fuck out. He wakes up, and, dude, we are back on Isla Nublar. Sorna. Oh, man, I knew, you know what, Ben, it was 50-50. Just like his nuts. There's only one left.

So, my God, yeah. Jeez. They got this, so the team is out there and everything. Taye Leonie's on a fucking megaphone screaming. Yes, she's like, Eric, Eric, like, what? What's going on? What, oh, you know what? I do appreciate that this is a kidnapping movie.

I got to say that. Well, apparently, it was all a long con. William H. Macy had conned everyone coming into this island because his kid was the kid from the beginning of the movie and Talyona and Talyone's boyfriend had taken him on this trip and they are both stranded on this island. Yeah. And it's kind of great because they never really addressed,

like there needed to be a scene where William H. Macy's like, yeah well you know what your piece of shit boyfriend Rick that I told you was trash his name was Ben oh was it yeah it's about Eric and Ben getting lost in the woods

oh man you guys versus dinosaurs I'd watch that movie oh I'd watch you get killed easily by dinosaurs oh Ben would make it because Ben's wily he'd like climb up a tree really fast I would totally die for you to live by the way Oh, that's nice.

But anyone who plays the boyfriend, by the way, is this actor, he was on Seinfeld. He was a tennis instructor, Milosh. Oh, God, Milosh. And he's more importantly, because this guy wrote the film, wrote this film we're doing, he's an election as the guy that has sex with the Reese Withers. Oh, yes.

The shitty guy that ruins his life. So that way, when I saw Alexander Payne in the writing, credits. That wasn't a different Alexander Paine. That is the Alexander Poe. Wow. That is why it's all about that raptor trying to get his inheritance

back. That large subplot of him trying to get his inheritance back, yes. By the way, Andrew, what you were saying about how there needs to be that scene of where William H. Macy is giving her the talk about how the boyfriend took this kid. Right. She's dating a no

goodnik. That needs to happen, but also at the same time. It needs to be like quickly said maybe to someone else. Like, yeah, I told I encouraged the boyfriend to take the kid on the trip because he wants to like get the family back together. Dude, this is the longest con. Yeah, dude, there's multiple cons

within cons. Fuck. I mean, this, you know what, this movie's really smart. Yeah. I mean, it's an Alexander Paine script. Come on. You know? I mean, and also, it really, it makes a whole lot more sense why this movie opened up with that dream of the Raptor

saying that its pussy gets so wet. Or, I mean, that triceratops not drinking Merleau? Totally classic pain. Or it's crazy that one fucking dilapasaurus man, like his wife goes into a coma and he's got to like go back to the island where he was born and deal with it. And he's seen all his old family. there's that one Delavisaurus that's voiced by

Bow Bridges. A Paul Giamatti voiced triceratops is a movie I would watch. Okay, yeah. Actors and the dinosaurs that they would voice because definitely Paul Giamatti's a triceratops. Yes. Oh, I can't fucking

believe it. Everybody ate all the new plants. I get to the buffet 15 minutes later. It's all gone. Roar! You know, you kind of look like a rhino I bet you

let's see Clooney's got to be a T-Rex right Clooney can be a T-Rex I don't know there's not a attitude there Nicholson Nicholson Oh right T-Rex yeah yeah I couldn't see

A T-Rex you can see with sunglasses on easily I can't really see them holding an espresso cup Really with the little I don't know A little dainty hands maybe He could hold an espresso.

Maybe he's like a smaller T-Rex. Oh, you know what? Nicholson's the Adominus Rex. Oh, right. And Clooney's the T-Rex. They made me in a fucking lab. The Indominus Rex adopts a kid from off-TV and he writes them all sorts of interesting letters.

About Schmidt. Ladies and gentlemen, that's about Schmidt. That T-Rex is hanging out like in his hot tub. And then Kathy Bates comes out of the hot tub. Who's just another dinosaur, Nate, called Kathy Batesosaurus. Yeah, then she gets completely nude. And the whole audience goes, Oh.

Talk about a monster movie. So there is, we got our first death is John Deal. Kind of all this is off screen. I don't know. John Deal playing Cooper, by the way. We're all fighting the ratings board or something. because the rest of these movies or like Spielberg's just obviously a better director

like the almost kills feel more visceral in the Spielberg movies the almost kills in this feel like we're not watching the action this is we're selling Burger King cups you know I mean like they want every fat dumb kid in the planet to go to see this movie so they dumb it down they take out the nut trauma

scene that was clearly in there before they cut the dream sequence Most of Alexander Payne's good stuff. Exactly. But no, but like John Deal comes out, he's bleeding. And he's like, oh, I just got hit by a really cool dinosaur. I'm like, wow, I would have loved to have seen that. Yeah, absolutely.

It was really cool. It was really cool dinosaur. It was really awesome. And also, like, there's ways to do it where you're not going to have to fight the ratings board. Like, so long as you're not, like, goring it up. Exactly. But you're stuck at that PG-13 rating. Those first two movies are PG-13, and they're bloody as fuck, I feel.

We're going to have to put these dinosaurs in. a lockbox. I'm goring up this movie. But like with the first one, where is the shit you're actually seeing? The lawyer getting eaten off the toilet. Yes. That's like an on-screen kill. The shiffening in the second movie. The shiffening big time.

But that is just so fucking hilarious that I feel like nobody was even opposed to the violence like at all. But you also get Sam Jackson's arm. And like even like the shooter scene is like you don't see him get it. but you feel him get it. You also, because that's a good director doing shit. Yes, Wayne Knight as well. You don't, you feel him get it, but you don't see him get it.

Yes, exactly. John Deal just kind of comes out like, wow, something really awesome just happened. You didn't, like, why don't we see him go in the woods, some trees move, blah, blah, blah. Because, Steve, as you put it very succinctly the other night, this movie's cheap. Yeah. It's just a cheap movie. You could totally do that too. Yeah.

Like you could have like the predator for example The jungle just came up and swallowed him Oh my God, listen You guys all missed it, but take my word for it I just did battle with a crazy dinosaur It all happened to off-screening Yeah, it was a it was a raptor riding a taradactyl He had a pie patch on it was really exciting

You should have seen it Oh, my God. That raptor also had a rat tail. We briefly, yes, we fought so viciously. We briefly and beefly fell into the hollow earth for a split moment. I was there beyond the realm of man. Yeah, I fought the devil. All of it's off screen.

The devil, by the way, played by Marlon Brando. Yeah, figure that out. You had to have been there, buddy. But yeah, so it's this whole thing where, like, Taye Leonie's using bullhorn Alan Grant's like shut her up that's a fucking terrible idea they hear the roar everybody gets back in the plane by the way great great idea for your one female characters everyone's telling her to shut up oh totally great idea like Sam Neal's like you know I really think we should change the line to maybe just like tell her not to do that instead of what you had here

in the script which was tell that bitch to chill and well to the movies credit there is another female character who's a very little girl who gets terrorized by monsters on a beach. That's the second movie. Fuck! That's all the same. You get it. So they all get in the plane. They're going down the runway and then fucking

Cooper comes out and he's like please don't fly off this island without me. And it's kind of great because the guy flying the plane's like, Cooper man, don't make me hit you with this plane. You know I've done it before. You're like, wait, what did you just say? But they're fleeing because they

They hear, they hear a roar, a roar. And this is the Spinosaurus, which is different than the T-Rex. Different than the T-Rex. I did not. I didn't notice at all. I didn't notice until I read IMDB trivia that this thing was called the Spinosaurus.

It's got a huge fucking fin on its back, and they say Spinosaurus throughout the entire movie. Well, number one, I ignored the second part. And the first part, I just never noticed. It's just all CGI things fighting each other. No, this thing's fucking from the Rainforest Cafe, animatronic City. looks like dog shit.

This is the thing. It's actually real, though, which is it. Excuse me? A lot of, a lot of it is a puppet. The rainforest cafe is real. It is mostly, it's the most, apparently the most expensive animatronic ever built. But that's only for the final scene in the water. Oh, okay.

Which does look good. It does look good because that's the puppet. It's dark out and it's raining. And that's the problem with this movie is daylight. We have some puppets. It's all in the daylight. There's the scene where they, they come. come across, I mean, we're kind of jumping ahead,

who gives a shit. They find like a dead dinosaur and Sam Neal's like, it's all right, it's dead, don't worry about it. And a T-Rex pops its head up, and it's a T-Rex robot. But it's bright as day and you can tell it's a garbage puppet. Not a garbage puppet, but like you can tell it's a puppet.

It's a Stan Winston animatronic. Versus that scene in the first movie where the T-Rex comes out of the paddock, it's dark out, it's rain. Like, Steven Spielberg knows how to hide a shitty robot. Good director? Bad director Exactly It's a surprise or an accident

That it was at night And it is dark And like he I mean that's what he made his career off Of like finding a way To make limitations look amazing You know what I mean That's what Jaws is

And you're just not Thinking about that in all this movie Instead you have a thing look up And it's like Can I seat you at your table Should we put an order Of potato skins in now Before you sit down

This is the Rainforest Cafe Roar Oh, also Roar Can I tell you, I've never seen this movie before I never, never saw it. I saw this in theaters, I can't believe that. Same here. I was in high school when it came out

and I won't name my buddy because I'm going to do a bad impression of him. I'll try to in my head guess who it is. You know who it is. I will immediately say who it is. No, do not. The thing that I remember about this movie when it came out, everyone was like,

oh man, that movie looks like it sucks, blah, blah, blah. And then my friend goes, bro, it's awesome. The dinosaurs fight each other. And that, the dinosaurs fight each other is... He's not wrong. He's not wrong. And then the first thing you see is the Spinosaurus versus the T-Rex, Spinosaurus

wins. Yeah, it's the first time the T-Rex isn't like the put-upon hero of the film. Absolute sacrilege. Yeah, I kind of agree. Really? Unbelievable. I kind of agree. There was so much T-Rex royalty in the day. He's

a king of the dinosaurs, man. The T-T-Rex I guess He's that stuttering Dude, it's the sequel It's the third sequel You gotta up the ante This ain't Joe Mama's Jurassic Park

Spinosaur's Collector's Cup I've designed a new dinosaur For the sequel It's basically the T-Rex But I think this racing stripe Is pretty smart Yeah, pretty much That's all it is

Let's put a big fin on it It's like a classic car And I think the dinosaurs, and again, maybe it's because it's daylight, they are fucking candy-colored this entire movie, man. This Spinosaurus is bright red. Is that the one that's bright red? No, he's kind of bright. He's red enough.

No, the bright red one, this is jumping head even first. Oh, shit. See, you don't even know what's going on either, Steve. Oh, shit is right. The bright red one is Ben Worcester's favorite for this exact reason. He shows up, sees a big. pile of shit and then runs away

but this thing you want to talk about Turok the dinosaur hunter man this thing looks like a fake as fuck made up devil dino because he's got like yeah he's got to look a horn on his thing it's like Darth mall

fucked a dinosaur oh my god it makes no sense we just jumped ahead a half hour but sorry about that Darth mall did fuck a dinosaur in the EU oh wow really in the clone wars cartoon oh shit did he

make an honest dinosaur out of her no he ran off like a fucking coward and now he's selling drugs with the Crimson Dawn. Let's not talk about that. Here, come to me and my dinosaur bright. Let me tell you, solo sequel, you see Darth Mall riding a fucking dinosaur dude?

I'm on board. Do not even worry about it. I'm at the theater. Yeah, why not? So, yes, they're plane crashes, they're stranded. This is when they see the Spinosaurus fight the T-Rex. He beats the T-Rex. Big time. Sacrilege. I'm totally

on Ben's side of here. I just, you know, the T-Rex has just got to win. Really? It's like Sylvester Stallone. Like if he dies in the, well, it's actually like executive decision kind of with a T-Rex getting a, yeah, okay, fall it out of an airplane and now Kurt Russell has to

be the lead of the movie. Exactly, which is the Spinosaurus. Right. Which I, you know, you know, quick aside. Yeah. Quick aside. Speaking, we're sort of encompassing all the Jurassic Park movies. Didn't They, in the newest one, the lost world, no, I'm sorry, Jurassic World. See, they all sound the fucking same.

They're all the same plot. They had, I feel like, to make up for that, didn't they have a scene where two T-Rexes beat the Spinosaurus or something bigger, like they teamed up? Well, they beat, they win at the end, they, he wins against the Indominosaurus at the end, kind of, it's the Indominosaurus. Well, he's sort of, he gets him down for the count. And then the big ass fucking water guy gets it. Water guy grabs him and pulls him under.

Which, spoiler alert, you see the fucking skeleton of that dinosaur at the cold open of this new one. Oh, wow. Yep. He didn't make it, huh? No, Steve, I'm sorry. That computer dinosaur didn't make it. Right, the mutated one in that, right. I feel like that was a little bit of a makeup.

Yes, the fan service, like, hey, look, for people like Ben and I. Who are like a T-Rex or Buzz? Well, because also, the movie. The movie Jurassic World ends with the T-Rex standing on top of the helicopter pad, roaring. That's the last shot of the movie. And if you listen to it, he says, I live for this shit. Oh, man, the only T-Rex I listen to is a glam rocker. Yeah, dude.

Metal guru. Great album. Totally. Fantastic. So they're kind of just going around. There's so much walking around in this movie. Do it, man. You sing some T-Rex over there?

Let's fucking sing, man. The one and only black character gets killed kind of unceremoniously. I don't even know. No, he gets eaten by the fucking Spinosaurus, big time. Actually, that's kind of the goryest part in the movies. Yes. Yeah, thanks a lot, movies. Save it for the black guy.

This dude gets fucking, he gets beaten up by this thing, tossed all over the place, and then you can totally tell the way it lines up that the Spinosaurus bites his fucking ass. head off. Yeah, there we go. Shouldn't it bite his spine off?

Shouldn't it just eat spines? It's because of the fucking fin. Yeah, but then the fin grows when it eats human spinal columns. With every soul, this dinosaur takes it.

It's like Shangsoong. That's when Alan Gregg goes, oh, a spinosaur. Like, he just sees this human horror happens. Oh, wow,

it's a spinosaur. The funny thing is, though, in order to do that, it would have to daintily nibble. Like, yeah. Hmm.

It could be done. Delicious. Just, you know, work the claws. It's like eating frogs' legs, kind of. Hmm. Exactly. Delectable. So, yes, we're walking around.

We find out that William H. Mason, this is when we find out, like, blah, blah, blah. He's a fucking fraud. He's like some, like, he, like, owns a refrigerator business or something. He's a paint tile plus. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. But he wanted, but, like, you know, we just wanted to come to this island and, I mean,

my goodness the dinosaurs everywhere Gary Lender over the fucking I'm running the deal here I got the dinosaurs

I'm running the deal I am running the deal I am running the deal geez look at this spinisor oh my goodness Marge

is that a spinosaur or what you know he was with the funny looking dinosaur and a weird spine and a weird spine

he did love that scene when the Stegosaurus invites Francis McDormann out to lunch and then makes up

this big story about how he's got this dead wife but that's not real it's totally not real he's just trying to have an affair I've been so lonely

Marge I've been so lonely that was a great moment of that movie dude it's crazy and like William H. Maisie's all pissed off

at his father-in-law the dilaposaurus the moustachioed bulb dilaposaurus I liked it in the end when the Spinosaurus, you know, pulled that spine out of the wood chipper and just went, that's what he does. He eats spine.

This Jurassic Fargo is making me think like that, like the Fargo plots, like a Cohen Brothers movie, you could totally set in the world of the Flintstones. Yes. Right. Oh, fuck. That would be cool. Right. There we go.

Hey, Bond, you better get over here. I think I killed her. I found the bigger, weird looking good. putting the little funny guy into the wood chipper. His name was Barney or what? Anyway, Willemah, we're going to have to get you down here to identify the next to you. Fuck, that would be great. Why are you, Colin Brothers, make a movie that's just like a Colin Brothers movie,

but it's in some sort of fantastical setting. Why not? It would be great. Give them a huge Netflix. You give people huge budgets for no reason. They turn in shit like mute. Jesus Christ, that movie. Please give the Coen Brothers

as much money as possible, but make them do a dumb setting. Hold them to it. The one stipulation is stupid setting. Cohen Brothers Caveman movie. Yes, exactly. That's right. Right? A most serious caveman.

It's got my money. Right? It's tough. And, you know, blah, blah, blah. We're kind of walking around. There's a great moment here where when Sam Neal like gets the news that Bill Macy's a fraud, it's a fucking classic shove. Yes. He sort of like shoves him against a tree

kind of a thing and I was like oh cool. First the dinosaurs fought now these two non-beefcakes are going to go ahead. Well I love Sam Neal. He's the best. But he does not care about this movie. No. He's just a non-presence. The one scene I felt he was actually on was the scene with Lauren Dern. Yes, yes.

You remember in the good old days, Ben. Yeah, you know, like, they're smarter than primates. Yeah, oh, that's right. There's a breathlessly whispering about Raptors. I was like, oh, right. There's a crazy sad line when to go back to that scene for a second, when Sam Neal, like he stays over for dinner or whatever and then he's leaving.

I don't think we're angling for a threesome, FYI. Oh, you think so? It's her, her husband. And they're like, oh, why don't you stick around for a couple drinks? He can't do it, though, man. That rotten kids in the house. house. Got to send him

to grandmas. You want to get that at home three way going. The dino man is here. Oh man,

he sure is. Ding dong. I brought my bone. No, when he's leaving dinner and she's like,

she's like, good God. Dust this thing off. Oh yeah, dude. Oh, dude. You know what? I bet you $1,000.

I would have been $100,000 that archaeology. thousand dollars i'm good for it archaeologists totally like dust their dong with those little dusters and shit like

this is what you're putting a hundred thousand because you know it's happened so it's it's free money at that Eric is I'm going to double my I'm going to double my money because archaeologists obviously they have group sex because they're weird academics yeah that works that's how all

that's why people you know attend higher learning and then they get all those little instruments out that they take bones out they'll be like oh but maybe I got to excavate a bone or then you know they dust it off they get little little tongs to like flopping around

while it's still getting hard you know what you think they're scientific instruments no sex toys exactly exactly and then they get rich people to fund these little perversions by like give me a grant and Alan Grant

Exactly. And there at the dinner table's like, well, I'll stay, Ellie, if you remembered your little brush. If you want an Alan, Grant, bend over and I'll show you. Well, this totally ruined the nice line that I was going to point out. Well, no, it's when she's like, she's basically saying like, you're, you showed up with a bone was going to lead to a nice line. No, you said the bone, oh, no, I guess I did say that. All right.

I opened the floodgates for you to be a fucking maniac. I was going to say it if you're going to $100,000. No, he's pulled double my money. He's in the car. He's leaving. And she's like, you're still the best guy. It's basically like, listen, we would have got married, but you're broken balls or whatever. And then she's like, she's like, seriously, you're still the best guy.

And he goes, I'm the last of my breed. And it's like the saddest. It's a delivery that only Sam Neal is a. qualified actor in this movie to give like a sad delivery and you just feel so fucking horrible for it. Guarantee you who wrote that Mr. Alexander Payne. Probably. That's it and then

he goes back to the, he puts the wine and the big cup and he drinks it. It's so sad. Is that why there was a wine glass that was vibrating in this movie? Oh my God. Now we're thinking. See we had the wine glass and then Alexander Payne have the idea

to put a guitar string under it and twang it for Just the perfect ripple. That story bothers me to this day because you know what, Steven Spielberg, just fucking punch that dashboard. Like, come on. That whole story about like the ripple didn't look right.

And it was something like a guitar string or something like that. They snapped it underneath it. Just fucking punch that dashboard. And let's move on. Please. Just have that fucking cup explode. You know what?

That's why you've never directed an iconic scene. I mean, you're right. When you're right, you're right. Oh, you know, my favorites. see the Jurassic Park is when that water goes everywhere. No, wrong. Someone goes, oh, look at that fucking dinosaur

punches a cup. Water goes all over that Ford Explorer. It's fucking ridiculous. Oh, when Indiana Jones fights that guy with a sword and water goes everywhere. My favorite

fucking see you to Indiana Jones. Dude, it's crazy, man. That fucking spaceship lands. They're doing all the and then the door opens and Francois Truffozo like Zocla Blue and you look and the door opens the light comes out

and water goes everywhere Richard Trifus gets fucking soaked do you remember that shit he's so fucking wet so like moving along in this film we find they run across a raptor nest

and like very pointedly we cut the camera when Billy goes say and like you kind of know he's doing something Billy being Alessandra, whatever Nivola, whatever. But it's also like...

Bruce Springsteen Jr. He does look a lot like Bruce... He looks like the boss. He does. That would be a good fucking biopic. Bossosaurus. The biopic? Yes, bossosaurus.

We were going to make another T-Rex, but we had to cross-breed bridge the gap with Bruce Springsteen's DNA. Me and Mary on Island, Newblood sitting on the hood of my car.

We extracted it from a fossilized bandana found in Asbury Park. Boardwalks summers and dilaphasaurus acid. Mary didn't know, but she was pregnant. Wow. I'm just naming, you know, themes in Bruce Springsteen's song. That was fantastic. Isla Nebraska. Oh, that's my favorite Alexander Payne movie.

He's La Nebraska. Greetings from Ila Nublar. Totally. I'm an old dinosaur that won the fucking lottery. Wow. That is the exact plot. That is. Thank you.

So they wind up, they're getting chased by Raptors. Now, the Raptors, by the way, have some feathers because that's something that kind of was discovered after Jurassic Park was made. Which I do appreciate that. Yeah. Very cool science. That dude, Jack Horner, was that his name?

the famous pornographer from Boogie Nights I swear Jack I thought that dinosaur was legal man Robert Downey Senior

fucking a dinosaur I'd buy that for a dollar You want that dino to fucker Yes No but But yes They have feathers Because that was sort of discovered

And they look interesting enough Again too much light on these things This is where the candy coating is coming. And especially, dude, these things are all the colors of the rainbow. I don't get it. Just, those brown fuckers in the first one were fine. Well, because I think it also came out that was like, we don't actually know if they were green or brown. They could have been fucking purple.

And then this is we fucking purple. Yeah. You know, whatever. Jurassic Park 3 fucking purple. So they are running around. We wind up finding a facility. In this facility, we kind of, we test what. of Alan Grant's theories, which is that

the Raptors can talk to each other. That's right. One Raptor calls for help. Oh, that's right. It gets hilariously wedged behind a door. They're smarter than primates. Oh, yeah, big time. One of his buddies crafted

a Raptor kazoo. That's right. Oh, this is Billy's kazoo. It's a 3D printer in 2001. And if it's introduced, if a kazoo is introduced in the first act it has to go off from the third act and it does if a raptor's voice box is introduced in the first act yeah oh man you see that shit coming a mile away but well we kind of learned the plot

one of the the subplot of this movie is the raptors are after them because billy stole their eggs right oh billy fucking son of a bitch and the raptors like it's like are geniuses so they can track them and like no they're they got no food on this fucking island there's one scene with uh allen grant they're like eating dog food out of a can. Cook those eggs. Yes, the people. Cook those eggs. Oh, yeah, dude, stir them right up.

See, that's the problem with all of these movies. This new one that's coming out included, just butcher them. Yeah. Butcher them. As Steve said, these are not animals, man. These are monsters. And I guarantee you they taste terrific. Oh, yeah.

Nice bronto chop. Yeah, exactly. It's, you know, like a cross between a cow and an alligator. it would be delicious. I remember... I mean, it's a... I'm sorry. I was just going to say

one time Eric went on a road trip through the American South and he brought me back some gator jerky and the thought I had at the time right before I ate it was enjoy this, Andrew. It's the closest you'll get

to eating a dinosaur and I'm not lying to you. I had that... It was great. It was fucking delicious. I wish I could eat gator every day. The fried fried like popcorn chicken is the best. There used to be a restaurant

in our old neighborhood of Astoria Queens that offered those very bits. You're right. But I don't understand like there is the majesty like none of these dinosaurs really ever die at the end.

Like it's not like in jaws the shark always explodes. Like it has to happen. Maybe that's why we don't get that shotgun to the dino dome. Exactly. There's this hesitance to actually like. Because you know,

because all you little twerps are. That's all they are. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Roller coasters with anus. What? Hold on. Let's unpack this. Yes, let's examine this.

They are, they are. The theme park attractions that are bred, the dinosaurs. Okay, their anus is. They're, there are ines. See, recline on the couch right now. But the anus is just because it just so happens to be a living thing. Right.

It's a thing that has bowel movements. Oh, so it's like a zoo situation where someone can fuck this thing? No, no, no, no. I'm just saying these things, we have the, oh my God, because there is one scene where like, oh my God, look at the majesty of these animals. There's no majesty. See, they're fucking, they're nightmares. Well, no, this is, I was thinking about this actually last night watching this movie.

The same thing happens, I think, in now all five of these movies. The Majesty comes into play only when they notice vegetarian dinosaurs. Just breed those, the herbivores or whatever the fuck. Yes. That's where the swell comes. and you see It's like These dynos are eating plants

Not meat That's exactly it though Ben It's like look at this Brachian stars We're in no danger Even though you totally are My God That thing gets spooked and stomps you Forget it

That's almost a fate Worse than being eaten Oh yeah I'd rather get eaten Than get like squished Stombed by a grape Or like a grape Oh all right So yeah

Eat or stop All right. Let's go around the room. Ben, Ben, then you start. I mean, you already answered. Yeah. I'd rather get eaten. Eat it's eaten or stomped. Yeah. Stomped. Yeah. I think that's an easy answer. Yeah. You know, it's stop me. It's quick. Put me down for a stomping. You know, it's quick and, you know, my bodily organs are then not being digested by another creature. And therefore, I can travel to the afterlife and see the, I don't know, raw. The problem with a ship. You get stomped. He was the sun god. You're put into the earth.

Oh, it's like it's an instant burial. You return to the loam. The thing, though, about stomping, you're assuming you're getting your head stomped. No, no, no. What if your stomach gets stopped? And now you're just like, you have to suck for a while. That's not good.

Yeah, that's not so great. I just picture like a clean can stomping. You know, just that's the thing. Really, top down. I was always just picturing I'm laying. down waiting for it for some reason you're on the beach laying down waiting for what did you pay for it oh I paid for this dinosaur to eat me

guarantee you the Costa Rican government is fucking denying passports to rich perverts like no you are not dying on Jurassic Park exactly no boy no oh but I have the first ticket to the moon could you put a heel on this prosthosaurus a giant red heels. Yeah, that is the ultimate nut stomping. Andrew, you did not answer.

Well, I think the thing you guys brought up is very important. It's got to be a clean kill either way. Like instant gobbling. Okay. Right. Or a clean stump, like a can or if I'm laying out, like it's got to be full on or at least head first. Right.

Because that's the problem, dude. You get like your legs bit off or just part of you is stomped. Yeah, that sucks. No good. I think, isn't there a dude that gets partially stomped in the original King Kong? I think there's a guy that gets a partial stomping in that movie. And it's very unsettling. Yeah, and because it was made back then, it was an actual thing that happened and that guy died.

Yeah, that dude was dead. They just dropped a fucking huge monkey foot on him. Spared no expense. In either event, you're still like, oh, fuck, I'm getting killed by a dinosaur. Holy shit. Wow. This is kind of cool. Yeah, you would definitely.

be kind of like wow so sam neal gets separated from this group and he is saved by what i thought originally was robin williams and juma no whatever dude because he's like this kid has been it's the kid by the way he's been missing for eight weeks and he's like fucking georgia the jungle this kid i would love it because this kid like it comes out that they've been missing for eight weeks and like uh you know Alan Grant has to like tactfully be like I don't think he made it and she'd be like no your kid is dinosaur shit motherfucker yeah dude are you getting

me eight weeks fucking dead yes definitely dead and also like even if you found this piece of shit alive how many people have died now for this stupid kid exactly yep who's just gonna you know he's just a little rich boy

he's gonna fucking die in a yachting accident in anyway you know it I know it The movie knows it. Yeah, he's just bummed that he didn't get a fucking picture with him and his mother's boyfriend with a fucking dino tail in his hand. Yeah, exactly. This kid deserves it.

Fuck this kid. Exactly. Thank you, Ben. He has, like, we're supposed to believe that he has T-Rex piss on him. Yeah, like, in a jar. He has a jar of T-Rex piss. To be fair, it sounds like both you and Steve would be gargling that shit if you got to the island. Wait, why?

Because you love T-Rex so much. All right, yeah. Well, he's got us there. Yeah, it's fair. There's nothing wrong with gargling a little piss if you want. I mean, you slap that on edu T. Rex. You know? Because, yeah, he saves the day.

Like, Alan Grant is about to get killed by all these two, these raptors. Yeah. A bunch of gas bombs happen. And like, what? Like dark wing duck style gas bombs. And he's just like ridiculous. He's just like fucking full metal alchemist this kid with this like neck, this whole like, he's got goggles going on or something. Dude, he's driving

down Fury Road after this shit. Are you kidding me? Bull effing shit. And this kid, he's got like a pad set up and he's like, yeah, man, I've been living off the land. He's living into the wild van, by the way. Yes. And I mean like, yeah. I shouldn't have killed that brontosaurus. And the last time we see this kid, he's

freaking out in a parachute. Yeah. You know, like a future raptor snack and now he's you know. And meanwhile, the mother's boyfriend is a skeleton that dude's a straight up skeleton which is silly which by the way longer than that right to be full skeleton oh I don't know exposed

in the elements like that the humidity of Costa Rica freaking things they got down there that might be picking at it yeah dude all those compis are just nipping at him pterodactyls and what happened to old Ben why is he why is he in that harness did the kid leave him to die the kid left him to die and I need

I need like when Alan Grant gets into this into the wild van he's got to be like so how did you get here kid fucking flashback the the parachute like crash lands on the island this dude's like stuck like help me help me and he's like i didn't like you anyway bed you fucking are mean to my mom and just runs away and then no he comes back and he throws rocks at him until he dies then he cuts off his face and like flesh and cooks it and eats it yes that's why he's a skeleton and the kid ate it. The kid ate it.

Oh, it wasn't dinosaurs at all. It was the boy. It's a perfect crime. He looked pretty healthy, you know. He did. He looked fucking fat, fat on human flesh. It's nice and stuffed. They do meet after this,

like they sort of meet backup. You know, there's a stupid thing about how the Spinosaurus, who's the main antagonist of the film, swallowed the satellite phone and like it's ringing in his belly. And it ate Cooper is the idea. Dude, a fucking gag

where a phone is ringing in a dinosaur's stomach, get out of town. It's so loud. What was the ring? I'm trying to remember. It was that old school cell phone. No, it's not. And for years I have thought it was that exact

fucking that ring. I thought it was. It wasn't the Nokia? No, it's a... Do do do do do do do do. No, that's what I thought it was too. What? Go back.

Unless Amazon... Is it a Springsteen song? No, unless it was a thing where Amazon streaming rights didn't have the licensing for that, because for years I've thought the same thing, but it's not, it's just another thing that sounds like that. Okay, yeah. It's just a bullshit cell phone ring.

But it's in the belly, which is fun. God is so dumb. And it's like, you think it sort of knows that and it's trying to trick them. Like, oh, what's in my belly? Sounds like you got a call. It's a cheap. A person to person call for Dr. Alan Grant.

I'll just open my mouth and let you come in to answer the phone. Come on in. Calls for you. Cut to Joe Johnston, debriefing with the script writers, with Alexander Payne. It's like, it's an homage to Peter Pan. Oh, what? You know, we've got the crocodile. God, damn.

Coming out of the woods with the alarm clock. And then if Alan Grant went inside to answer the phone, then it's an homage to Pinocchio. Oh, nice. I'll do Disney classics. That's what I was thinking of when I saw. It's so dumb. Well, because you, they, that you hear it and they cut to, like, the looming dinosaur. Yes.

With the stupid ring, like, it's the fucking funniest thing. It's a huge dinosaur sneaks up on them. It's amazing. They, like, reunite. They're on opposite sides of another classic electric fence, a classic Jurassic Park electric fence. All the greatest hits in this movie. Oh, of course.

And they run up to it and whatever. They're like, oh, you know, we're so happy to see you, Eric. Oh, my God. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, whatever the phone is like, what's that? And they literally turn around. And the fucking Spinosaurus is like, how's it going?

Wait, hold. I don't have to put this on vibrate. I know we're in a movie. Hold on. Punching his ripped can until it stops. And he's got those big arms That makes him superior to a T-Rex a little bit That's what it is

A little bit There you go Eric C Superior to a T-Rex are happy now Yeah you could hold him The espresso Your new favorite dinosaur The Spinosaur Sure the one I didn't even realize

Was different So They kind of The biggest Stupid Spinos At this point It's name Popeye arms It does have Popeye

It's got a big little four arms man It's ridiculous If you eat cell phones, you get strong. Try it at home. Grant confronts Billy about the dinosaur eggs. This is a scene that happens. And he's like, oh, you know.

And then, like, he's about to throw them away. He's like, wait a minute. If we throw these rafter eggs away, we'll have nothing to bargain with them. I'm like, what are you talking about? Well, it's weird because these raptors know that we have these eggs and they're chasing us. what do you think will happen if they find

us and we don't have those eggs on us? And I was like, why don't you just focus on getting off the ice? And or leave them out. Raptors, I've come to bargain. Leave them in a clearing because it makes some sense that they would be able to smell the eggs and that's how they're cat.

So if you leave them in a clearing, then the raptors aren't following you anymore. Like, what is this deal you're going to make? Yeah, he's like, instead I'm going to put them back in this rucksack and keep them on my person at all times. So the best scene in the movie, I think, almost unequivocally, is the teradactal scene. Because it's a deleted scene from the book.

But it actually, like, it has, like, movement and sort of a presence. There's excitement to it. The fog is cool. Oh. We finally have a new setting that's not just another jungle and fence. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. There is a legitimate, like, there's one moment that's actually like, oh, shit.

Yes. It's when the teradactal. emerges out of the fog on foot. It's pretty cool. And you're just like, oh shit, a new dino.

And it holds up. It does hold up. It does hold up. It's totally good. I totally bought all this. It's fucking great. Because they don't initially know where they are

and they're kind of walking around. Sam Neal, you remember this? Sam Neal grabs his great, big old handful of something and just huffs it. And I was like, that's probably teradactyl shit.

And Sam Neal kind of has the line. He's like, they're like, what's going on or something like that? And he's like, it's a bird cage. Yeah. And then then it emerges from the thing. Yeah. This is Billy's kind of redeeming moment. Alex or Eric, I'm sorry, gets separated from everybody.

He gets picked up by the pterodactyl. The taradactyl tries to feed it to its young. And like this kid's like running away from these things. No, no, no. Break these little things next. That's what I'd be doing. It would just be like fighting a chicken. Yeah.

You could do that. You can bite a chicken. I don't know. Some of those cock fights would get pretty nasty. Well, those aren't chickens. Those are roosters. Oh, man, yeah. I guess that's fair.

But that's... I will counter that these, you're probably a little bit more... They're rooster vicious. Yes. Yeah, no, you're true. It'd be like fighting a turkey. Maybe you'll cut your arm up a little bit, but you put these fuckers down. Absolutely.

How about this? They're not flying yet. Kick them off that fucking pad. Yes, you got boots on? For a kid that survived in the jungle for a... eight weeks drinking T-Rex piss or whatever is happening

who got pissed on by a T-Rex and collected that piss in a jar He's just too tired from all the human flesh He's a little logy Ben Wister

Do you think this is what happened? That kid laid out on a field waited for a T-Rex he stayed very still so he couldn't see him waited for a T-Rex

to piss all over his body and then he took his shirt off and just like ringed it out into the bottle That's how he got the piss. Well, because Grant asks him, he's like, how'd you get it? He's like, you don't want to know.

No, I do. I absolutely do. Okay, you want to know? I siphoned the tank, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I mean, it makes sense. You stick it in and you suck. Exactly.

I know P is like taboo or whatever, but like, yeah, no, I do want to know how you got Tyrannosaurus piss. Because here's the thing, man. You tell me you got a lot. lump of T-Rex shit. I know exactly how you got it. You waited for T-Rex to take his shit and then he walked away and then you stole it. Piss? Totally different story. I mean, look, if you're like, oh, I got fucking Rudy Giuliani's

piss, you don't want to know. I'm like, yeah, I don't. You know, ew, gross. Step right this way. We're going to watch the Godfather 2 in this hotel screening room and then I'm going to take you piss. I've been waiting for you to say that. Also, if it's the movie being like, hmm, pee.

Like, a half hour later, you're going to be armed deep in shit. Yes. Which is a Jurassic Park tradition. It is the grand tradition of the franchise. The grandest. So they get separated. Billy kind of heroically saves the kid by using a parachute. Right.

And like this is kind of making up for the Raptor Egg thing, I guess. Sure. But I'll tell you what, man. This motherfucker needs to be dead. And spoiler alert, he is not. He is injured. That is such bullshit. on a helicopter at the end of the movie.

Such bullshit. You're right. And it's killed. Deuce Springsteen. If you ask me. And it's shitty too because it's just like, there's no way they did a test screening. And anyone in that audience was like, we're bummed that that nobody died. Come on.

Just leave that dude for dead. Also, because you totally see what happens to him, the final, like, the final blow that this teradacta lays on him. He's like, face down. floating down a river and you see this thing with its big fucking beak jammed the beak into the back of his head

that dude is dead yes and should be when the beak comes down onto my head laying that beak down like we got pink slips at the factory on the streets

of Becadelphia baby we're Maybe we were born to roars. Oh. Oh, there it is. There it is. They should do a Broadway show and have them do the music. That's right.

Jurassic Park, the musical, with all these songs by, what does that say? Bruce Springs. Didn't he just do a run of something? Oh, a Bruce Springsteer. It's like 10 grand a ticket, man. He's still doing it. It's impossible to see. Dude just fucking slapped Jurassic Park on that sign.

You're good to go. Then you can start selling. in collector's cups in the lobby. Exactly. Merchandising. So there is the shit scene which Ben alluded to. So they get away, Billy's dead. Nobody's sad about it. Like even Grants is just sort of like, oh man, I guess

the last thing me and Billy did was fight. Oh well. We got the majesty of Jurassic Park. We find the cell phone in the shit. We dig for it. Everyone's going armed deep. It's like a fucking double dare gag. And then like the dinosaur like goes, you're not

worth it. Like he's got a lifts up. He wants to eat them but he smells the shit and this is what I thought like are they gonna like drench themselves in dino shit because that's what I would do deleted scene from Jurassic World as a matter of fact oh really Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas

Howard smother themselves in feces that's what I would do man like no one wants to eat shit I mean some people it's very unlikely those fetishes would go into the dinosaur world it's very unlikely yeah they're barely leaving their house

no but then it's fucked up because they get like Sam Neal pulls the cell phone or the sat phone out of this pile of feces. Which they hear right? This is why someone's calling it what's that? And then they think it's going to be the Spinosaurus but no it's a pile of shit.

And he like puts it up to his face like immediately to make a phone call. And there's no there's no Sam Neal being like what yeah because that's a gut human remains too mixed up and that must smell really unpleasant.

I think there is some other like part of Cooper that's like left I don't know I remember There's a bone he pulls out Oh yes yeah Show me a skull Fall out of the Pile Like totally do it

Let's go for it Do we see dinosaurs shit In this new movie Andrew Not to spoil anything If that's at the end of the film I don't believe so now Oh wait James Cromwell It's a big bowl of it

No but actually I felt like I was eating shit watching this movie So the last scene The big thing is like this boat sequence Yeah, which is also kind of good, this river sequence. Again, we're in, we've got some mood here. It's dark. It's kind of raining, sort of.

Totally. This Spinosaurus attacks. But it's cut in between, like, there's only power enough for one more phone call. Samuel calls Ellie Sattler. The kid picks up. It's a dumb. Put your mom on the phone gag and the kid's watching, Barney. Do you get it, Ben?

Do you get it? Yeah. Do you, Ben? Wait. Ben. No, so what happened was. No. So, Ben, here's the connection. I don't get it.

Also, we mentioned purple earlier. That's right. There you go. Fun colors. Fun colored dinosaurs. So she, it doesn't happen in time because this crazy dinosaur attack is happening. And Ellie Star 69's this satellite phone, which I don't think is possible. I don't know if it's possible or not.

They had 3D printing back then. That's true. That's true. But it's kind of great because she hears the other end of the phone and it's just horrific. Riffing screaming. And I guess that's enough, like, you see her, like, run. Yes. I was hoping.

Back out to the patio or something. I was hoping for when this scene was, like, you kind of knew where it was going. I wanted, and we didn't get it really, like, just a fraction of it, but I wanted, like, a Laura Dern freak out. You know, on the other end of the line, just like, wha, you know. You know why that's another $100,000. Yeah. That's how that works. You want me to scream?

That's another $100,000. thousand. You know what? Double it. That money check was not, you have enough money on it. I accept money checks or cash. So again another Jurassic Park standby man. The old

faithful, this fucking flare gun. Yeah. shoots it at this dinosaur. Something gets lit the fuck on fire. The thing bites into the gasoline of the boat. Right. It's covered gasoline and Grant gets the idea. Talyani almost bites it. Probably should bite it. Both of them don't have to live.

both William H. Macy and Talyoni. And Wemey should die. He's almost dead at the end of this boat. I would prefer to live. All right, gosh, Marge. I'd love to just live. No, I'm running the show. I'm going to live.

I'm running the show. He's just yelling at little Steve Bouchemey dinosaur. He'd be a compie. He's a perfect. Perfect. Like a horrid of... I'm not shot in the fucking face with a flare gun!

So, yeah, the Spinosaurus runs off Because it, like, kind of gets set on fire And it's like, oh, God, bad mojo It just leaves Bad mojo! What do you think it's against his religion? Oh, big time, dude Oh, I see. Yeah, he's afraid of fire.

It's the first dinosaur commandment. Got it. Thou shall not lay with fire. And, yeah, so, like, they get new, it's like daylight again somehow And raptors are all around them. Oh, this is the dumbest scene in any movie I've ever seen.

Sam Neal fucking pulls out this voice box, gives it a couple toots. But it's like this weird scene where like they're talking and they're like, hey man, it's cool. Here's your eggs, man. Here's your eggs. It's like, I got the merchandise right here for you. And one of the raptors is like, Carlo, check it. And the guy looks at it.

One of these pervert dinosaurs is like sniffing tailione up and down. It's just like, come on. Like they're dinosaurs. They shouldn't be like negotiating with humans. You got the stuff? Well, we don't got the money if you're not got the stuff. So, like, they get the eggs. These two Raptors, like, daintily pick up these eggs and roll off.

Oh, we're happy. The Raptor closes a briefcase. puts the eggs into a briefcase. And they all gets... Picks it up with his dino hand. So then they all run off. They're all talking to each other the whole time. Yeah, no, but Sam Neal, by the way, uses the...

the thing from the first, the kazoo. With the kazoo, oh my God. Wouldn't they just mall him to death? How does he know what you're saying? How does he know what you're not insulting them? You know, like, you know, fuck your eggs. Yeah, totally. Who the hell knows what he's saying?

He's picking it up for the first time. Yeah, exactly. It's bullshit. It is bullshit. So what happens now? Hold on. He just said he's Jewish. We're Jewish.

We can't kill him. All right. All right. Let's go. It's a, the lost tribe of Israel. Yes, the dinosaur track. You know, the Jews running a dinosaur army down there in Costa Rica.

Catch him in beard with the raptor. We say globalists these days. Oh, right, of course. Pardon me. Yeah, no, then they hear this like chukuk, chooka, chook, chik, chik, chik, chik. Always, what could that noise be? And they ran out on the beach. And the fucking army and the Navy shows up. Because if you forgot.

The Marines. Corrections. Marines in the Navy. Because if you forgot, Laura Dern's husband was it, as part of the Navy. state department he could pull all sorts of strings right and you don't need to think about it for 30 seconds because the movie's pretty much over and there's a fucking horrendous line where alan grant has to go billy is alive by the way he's like oh billy's here is like yeah whatever oh and everyone else who died in the movie's back hey everyone hey cooper he goes uh alan grant goes uh god bless you ellie sadler yes

get out he didn't say that he totally says it which doesn't be a full-on atheist this guy this scientist is a full-on atheists. Absolutely. Not in a foxhole, motherfucker. Yeah, I guess not. Or a dino hole. Also, this crazy dino adventure totally wiped out the divorce

between Bill Macy and Taylor. It did. They get like horny from this experience. Big time horny because she gets all horned up because Bill Macy's acting like a fucking action star. Yeah. And she's like, say. Because that's part of like, they're talking at one point like, oh yeah, why did we get

divorced or whatever? And he's like, You know, well, I thought this. And she's like, yeah, well, you're just too timid and don't take any chances or whatever. Whatever. First of all, you fucking, you marry Will Macy. You know what you're getting. It's not like he was a take charge guy.

And then all of a sudden he turned into Bill Macy. He's always been building. He owns a paint and tile warehouse. Come on. As soon as she saw Ben's skeleton. I had turned the table. Yeah, that's true. They're, well, you're not a skeleton.

So they all get in a helicopter. Alan Graham puts his fucking hat back on. Yeah, everybody's hooting and hollering. The pteradactyls are leaving the island. And the military isn't shooting them down. They have to shoot them down. They don't care, dude. They're like, it's the Philippines problem now

or whatever the, wherever the fuck they're going. Meanwhile, the Philippines on the other side of the world. They'll get there. They got wings. They'll go wherever, man. By the way, finally somebody on the show who knows geography. Thank God. Oh, my Lord.

So, okay, do you know where? Oklahoma is. Yeah, I've been there. That's where they're from. The William H. N. The family. And they're just like, it doesn't matter to us because we live in Oklahoma. So fuck you, rest of the world. Yep, that's exactly right. But shoot these fuckers out of this guy.

Shoot these fuckers out of this. Hit them with your helicopter blades. If you don't want to spend the ammo. Come on. You ever see Twilight Zone the movie? Oh, God. That important fact is a deleted scene, Andrew. Twilight Zone. movie. But the thing

is William H. Macy should do serious time. He's broken international law. He's essentially complicit in kidnapping Dr. Allen Grant and Billy. He's lucky Billy's alive. But Cooper and those other dudes are dead. Like this is all on Bill Macy. But those

guys, the mercenaries at least man, they live their life an adventure at a time. So they know death is around their corner at any turn and they've accepted that. I think he's going away for a long, long time. Well, dude, how many millions of taxpayer dollars did we waste on this fucking rescue mission? Another thing,

yes. No. No. No. It's just, and this movie ends exactly like Fargo where it's William H. Macy and his underwear getting attacked by marshals. No! No! This, I think, though, has the best last shot

of any Jurassic Park movie because it's just a pterodactyl's flexing ass cheeks. Oh, really? I missed that. Because they're like, hey, look at those taradactyls. And Alan Grant's like, yep, there's a whole big world out there for them, not get them! Get them is the proper thing.

I was waiting for one of them to take a shit on the helicopter's windshield. And then like, we just see these three taradactyls. They're flying off into the sunset and this one just flies up and up and it gets like right up with the camera. And as its wings are flappy, its little ass is going.

Oh, nice. This movie's a big, fucking 92 minute fuck you to every Jurassic Park fan and then you get mooned by a dinosaur at the end of it. Thanks for nothing. And then credits, man. And then credits, man. Would anybody recommend this movie?

Um, no. It's tough because I actually would, if I had to rank the Jurassic Park movie. Sure. Of the ones that I've seen, because I'm not any of driven, I'm going to movies earlier. I have to wait with the rest of the plebs. Uh, I saw,

I would go Jurassic Park, obviously. the first one, an enormous cliff and there should never have been another Jurassic Park movie. Yes, this should not be a franchise. Agreed. Second book written, be damned. I don't give a shit. First movie, then Jurassic Park Jurassic World I would put, because...

Agreed. There's a lot of carnage. It's a bit more fun, even though it's really not good and then I'd probably... It's tough. It's a runtime situation. I'd go three, two. Even though two is better. Two is much... Because Spielberg, Ben. I totally agree.

with that assessment. I remember having a problem with two because the expectation was so high. I mean, one is just, that's a classic that will last forever. Two was just, you know, you couldn't live up to that one. Sure.

And there's a lot of problems with it. I mean, like, my thing is I, the scene where the kid does gymnastics. Oh, God. And knocks a 400-pound raptor like off a pedestal or whatever like it's just like oh this is ridiculous but I would I think I would give a recommend on this okay and here's here's the reasons why it's bad I mean oh yeah we've gone through everything but it moves it does it's 90 minutes you don't have to

think much like there's always just some dumb shit going on it has Alan Grant in it Which is, like, that's Jurassic Park for a lot of people when you get Sam Neal in it. And, I mean, I don't know. It has this, like, fan service where you're just, like, you're recognizing everything that's happening. Like, oh, you're doing the brachiosaurus scene. You're doing, like, the interior, like, you know, intense scenes. Like, I don't know. It's, I didn't like it.

I mean, it's not good. But I think it's, it's right on that edge. I would rather watch that. as a terrible Jurassic Park movie than two. Yep. I kind of agree with that. Ooh. Yeah.

I would not recommend it, but I understand. Yeah. I would give the exact same rating as Steve did to the franchise. Perfect rundown. You know, for, you know, I watched two and three basically back to back, and I obviously cannot distinguish the two. So maybe my rating of this is flawed, but I did enjoy this one a little more because you know the dinosaurs are fighting

bro the dinosaurs fight each other come on that's that oh man my favorite scene is shinless list is that you think it's a little girl in red but uh oh everybody got wet oh no

oh no that's not very good bro I got nothing good to say about ready player one that should fall the song uh yeah I guess see the problem is

this movie isn't long enough to be a hangover movie IMO because the hangover movie you want TNT to stretch that fucker out for the afternoon and 92 minutes man

a bit of a stretch I don't know if you could do it oh you'll watch the fucking sun go down with Lost World man that movie I don't know why so I don't think I can recommend this I will say I think Steve Sadek

has the accurate Dino rankings here as one massive cliff four, three, two, two, and three are the way they are because of the runtime. Sure. And then another massive cliff through the entirety of cinema down to the devil's fucking asshole movie theater. Oh my God, down with D.W. Griffith is running the

popcorn machine. Exactly. The very same lobby. That's where you can go see Jurassic World Falling Kingdom. It is one of the worst movies I will see this year. Wow. And fucking honestly like we'll see we'll have you guys weigh in talk about intolerance well done dw griffith jokes i love it um i'll wait for you guys to see it and weigh in but i'm i'm gonna say personally stay tuned for january 2019 this movie is fucking horrible i love it i love it and you know what uh stay tuned for right now you can listen to our Jurassic world episode on

patreon if you go right now right this second that is right patreon dot com slash we hate movies and that is Jurassic Park 3 from 2001, directed by Joe Johnston. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM podcast. That's the only way I'm going to say that from now on is Joe Johnson. When we sign off, I'll try to say our names. Oh, I like this.

Oh, cool. Say it like a game show host. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM Podcast.com or find us over on the HeadGum Network. Rate and review wherever you get us. We would greatly appreciate that. Facebook.com slash We Hate Movies at WHM Podcast on Twitter, of course. Like we just said, patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Check out our Jurassic World episode and a whole lot more. That is just exclusive to you on that platform. Ben Worcester, thanks so much for coming and hanging out, man. Oh, my goodness. Thanks for having me, guys. It was a blast. I look forward to Chris Cabin's vacations just so we can get you in here. And so TJhookerpodcast.com, what is your Twitter because you're hilarious on Twitter?

Oh, thank you. It is at B-E-N-W-R-C-E-E-E. E-E-S-T-E-R, Ben Worcester. I'm very proud having hit the four-digit club recently. Nice. You got a thow. A thow! Like that. Yeah. So, hey, come on over and let's have some fun.

And check out that fucking T.J. Hooker podcast, you guys. I've been on it, and I just listen to it even when I'm not listening to hear myself. What are we doing next week? What we're doing next week, Steve Sadek, is an abomination to cinema. Speaking of franchises That didn't really need to be franchises It's Lethal Weapon 4 Oof! Yeah, dude

You got Chris Rock in this movie hanging out You got Jet Lee as the bad guy Sure, a lot of racism Do we get Joe Pesci in that one again? Oh yeah, you can't keep him out of those movies He showed up in the second one and he would not leave So until next week Where we're talking about lethal weapon

fucking four. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steve Seda. Eric Siska. Ben Worcester. Take it easy.