We Hate Movies - S8 Ep366: Episode 366 - Runaway Bride

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang brings the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza into the rom-com-ridden Marshallverse to chat about the out-RA-geous yuck-fest, Runaway Bride! How in the world did this movie have the gall to ask us to ROOT for these people? Really, with this annual luau already? And come on with pretending that USA Today was ever America's newspaper!! PLUS: So apparently the sweet, old grandmother from the film was really into some kinky stuff, huh?  Runaway Bride stars Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Joan Cusack, Hector Elizondo, Rita Wilson, Paul Dooley, Christopher Meloni, and Donal Logue; directed by Garry Marshall. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We're in rom-com territory as the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on. This is a movie that's about 48 minutes longer than it ever deserved to be. This is Runaway Bride. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zadak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program.

Settle in for this discussion of a romantic comedy that's known to some as a runaway bride from 1999 directed. What is the grab-ass happening? What is going on? I'm trying to introduce the show. All right, all right, all right, all right, okay, Eric's being immature. Okay, okay, okay, whatever. Jesus Christ. Eric's being very immature.

Chris's stuff was touching me. Oh my God, I will turn this fucking car around. Directed by Gary Marshall, who's dead. Oh, Dan, you know what, give Gary Marshall an RIP. Not, I mean, it's a tough week for it because I just watched this movie. Dude, I'm sorry. I wish that man, almost no piece. Say the late Gary Marshall.

okay yeah why should he why why why should he get an RIP and not an RIPD or a you know I don't know what are some other derogatory words we use for dead people dead yeah he's a he's got a new job pushing up daisies there you go he bought the farm the rotting Gary Marshall oh man hey I bought the farm I got a great deal on it he's already rotted don't worry folks he's a skeleton I'm here with all these dogs upstate I'm sorry just it's just it's just that like the you know I know he did a lot of great stuff sure he did but the more we I look into it and I put this shit under a microscope there's just so much hacky garbage nothing but bad it's like Billy Crystal times a thousand yeah I guess that's the thing is like you had to start somewhere and now that they've built that Billy Crystal Castle it's our job to tear it down and that's another thing too is tearing it down it should be demolished it's interesting you should say Billy Crystal Eric because we're doing this in conjunction If you're, this is the summer of Julie, as we've said.

Oh, definitely. Julie, Julie. The sun never shuts on Julie. And we are doing, we did Oceans 12 for some reason. We did, it was just Julie Roberts. We are doing this episode today and also on Patreon, probably available right now. I'm not even sure. America's Sweethearts with Billy Crystal, Julia Roberts, Catherine Zeta Jones, and John Cusack.

Also I want to mention, that's a double Catherine Zeta Jones. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Summer blockbuster. The summer of CZJ, a lot of people. They definitely hated each other during Ocean 12. I'm not sure if they hated each other during America's Sweetheart. I think it's, well, I mean, like, which one came first?

Holy shit. American Sweetheart. American Sweethearts first. Isn't Joan Cusack in both of these movies? No, John Cusack is not. Ah, shit. John Cusack. No, I knew that.

Oh, I knew that. Okay, so it's just because, you know, like sometimes it's like they do team up. Show pop up. And Cusack is in America Sweetheart to believe us. That's what I was thinking of. that I'm sorry I apologize to Ann Cucet The weird thing about this movie

I mean about all It's just I like Julia Roberts fine I really do I think that she's good in some stuff She's not great in other stuff She's got a great presence Undeniable as you can hold a movie

She's one of those people along with like Anne Hathaway where I'm like I don't understand why people like hate them With so much vitriol Like they just make stuff you don't like The problem with her Julia Roberts So is some of these movies

like this one specifically is about how much you're supposed to love her. Yeah. I mean, I don't buy it. I mean, I think they should have had Eric in the role. Eric Roberts as the runner. How is he her biological brother? That's something that I'll never get. You got the biological sister in this movie.

Who's that? She's the character. Like, I think she just goes by Elaine from Manhattan. She's the receptionist at the office. Oh, that's, that's, that's. Robert's sister. Who Chris Maloney Yeah. That's... No, that's her cousin that he ends up with. That's Kiki.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Let's get the genealogy. Chris Maloney ends up with her cousin who lives in the Maryland town. Yes, that's Gary Marshall's daughter. However, someone in this movie, at the end of the movie, meets Elaine from Manhattan, and whoever the fuck that person meets, there's Elaine from Manhattan character. That's Julia

Louis Chifis. What? the fuck are you talking about Julia Robert's sister, I think her name is Lisa. We pull out the family tree of Hollywood. Everyone is related. That's how you get into the business. The top, it's the fucking Illuminati.

Like, seriously, everyone's related to someone. There's no way anyone can ever achieve anything. You have to be born into it. But I just still don't understand how they're related. Well, it's nefarious. You know, people can have

older siblings there, Steve. I'm not. Aren't Julia and Eric Roberts half-siblings? Oh, that might make sense. Are they? I don't know. I don't know. I've never given less of a fuck. So I can't tell you. I thought I remembered hearing that at some point.

Well, they took one of the babies and they salted it, left it out in the sun to turn into a nice raw high. Hey, Julie, you were the queen of Alderan. I was stuck in the middle of the Tatooine Forest, Eric Roberts, Tatooine Dunes. Dude, Star Wars with Eric and Julia Roberts? Yes, please. Seeing them kiss in that first movie? This is awkward. We're brother and shister.

I think Steve's point, though, is that how could they be related? Because clearly, Eric Roberts is so handsome and Julia Roberts is a goblin. Yeah, that's how that way. Yeah, exactly. So what does this movie, Steve? It's about a runaway bride, a bride that cannot commit, that does the sociopathic move. of jilting someone at the altar, not once, not twice, but three times prior to the movies starting. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic there.

I think that's actually pretty fucking weird and fucked up. No, no, it's totally sociopathic. Oh, okay. No, no, it's a sociopathic move. I thought it was one of those Steve tones of voice where it's like, oh, how could they? Oh, my God, society says. No, she's crazy. I mean, like, to be engaged and break off a bunch of engagements, that's like something

that can happen. And that's just, you know, you make some mistakes. Look, you find out the guy's a child molester. What are you going to do? You got to call it off. But to plan three separate weddings and then subsequently jilt each one of these fuckers at the altar. Seconds before. That's a fetish.

They were all child molesters. She just had a type. All right. I guess so, man. One becomes a priest. That's clear. He went for his passion. One likes the Grateful Dead.

Hello. Yeah, exactly. What do you think they do at those shows? Hey. What was the third guy? He was just kind of, he was an entomologist or something? Yeah, okay. They had a little Blair witch wedding. I don't know what it was.

Or like it was just a bunch of, like, they were in the forest. Yeah, they kill a kid in that. There's just like a bunch of trees. He put it in a B or something? I think the deal is when they were supposed to say their vows. The ceremony never got to this point. when they said their vows, at the start of each of them, they went, wow.

And a butterfly came out of their mouth, and they had to cut it open. And inside of that was a little scroll that had the vows written on. That's beautiful. Somebody loved him. Somebody's some honeysuckle. Oh, this is care.

Do you think Clarice Starling fucks that guy with the googly eyes after the events of... Absolutely not. Absolutely not? No, they're flirting that whole movie, dude. No, she's being politely. I don't know, man. I've always thought this about that scene.

She's being more than polite because she needs this fucking information. And you don't want to upset these nerds. But I think Bulldog does get into it with her friend there. Because they're both at that party at the end. The information has been gotten. He's around.

He's like, dude, I'm dating a 24-year-old FBI agent. Not bad for a Googly-eyed dude. Paul Lazar is that actor's name. I gave him a ride home one time. No joke. Were you polite or did you have sex with him? Neither. I dropped him at an F-stop at Long Island City and drove away never to see him again.

Oh, dang. So you said, you were talking about Julia Roberts and like this movie specifically like her having to be loved. Sure. That I feel is a lot of her romantic comedy specifically. Like Notting Hill even, I feel is that. Well, because she's like a celebrity in that, right? That's the idea. And that makes sense, sort of, but this is just like she's the small town and everybody, everybody just sits around talking about her all day long.

Well, that's what she wants. That's why she keeps breaking it off. She wants to be the talk of the town. And this is, I think, the biggest, like, red flag cautionary thing for me, I could never live in a town like this. Everybody up each other's asshole about everything. Like, this chick farts, you know, or heaven forbid, has diarrhea. and a restaurant. And the whole town's talking about it for a month.

Specifically her father who's going to tell everybody about it. Any fucking ear that's got it. Well, Paul Dooley's just a wretched drunk in this movie. That's the thing about the small town that you grow up in, that your fucking parents are still there. And then everyone went to high school with you. That's why everyone's talking about you. If you're just blowing through town, no really gives a shit.

But I don't know. I think it's about her specific. I feel like Joan Cusack could fucking light herself on fire in Town Square and then be like, oh, you know, that was Julia Roberts. friend, right? That's fucking obnoxious barbershop quartet would just go, goodbye.

So we open on Richard Geer, actually, who is a columnist for the USA Today. This movie pretends like everyone is just like, oh, USA Today, let me just peel it open.

Here's the thing. They wrote this script and in the script, I'm almost certain of this, it was the New York Times. Or the post, you know. Well, he's supposed, He's clearly supposed to be Ross Duthat.

Like, that's just his type. But they couldn't get the licensing. And it was like, oh, my God, so much of this revolves around this newspaper. And USA Today was like, hey, you ever stand in a days-in lobby at 9 o'clock in the morning? That's where you can find our newspaper. We'll license out our logo to you. Sure, what the hell? Do they even have columnists?

I'm sure they do. That paper's been rebooted more than Star Wars. So I don't know. I don't know what's going on with that. But he's like a male rights activist. His column is like male chobrofts. Yeah, if this, if he was on,

if this movie was said today, this dude would be a terror on Twitter. This, whatever his name is, he would be an absolute nightmare on Twitter. His columns are all like, probably like, okay,

here's how you'd be a pickup artist. All right, you got to neg him, all right? No, like you do you say something negative and then you make them buy you a drink. Give me money, USA Today.

liberal women need to have sex with sex with incels or we're going to have Trump for the rest of our lives. Yeah, he would have a very long screed about how to make mandatory sex, whatever, whatever that nonsense is. He'd be well indicted. Mandatory sex.

Whatever that was. Holy fuck. Oh yeah, that decree. Mandatory monogamy or something like that. I forget what it was. It was something about that. Like every single person should be paired up and like forced to fuck in these like FEMA camps are wearing. ever we're going. Not so bad for Eric

Roberts. Now you have to have sex with me. Oh yeah, he's like a stud on one of these ranches, right? I came to collect. How cool would it be of all those people just immediately spontaneously combust. Oh, that'd be awesome. Like you just, like you wake up one

morning and there's a little like Apple news note on your phone and it's like, hey, all those pieces of shit set on fire. Yeah, you're asking for a lot of Buffalo Wild Wings to be set on fire. You know what? Take the chain down with it. I don't care.

I read today something about... I like the garlic parmesan wing. Ew. You're disgusting. Feminism destroyed those. Because I also read that some guy on Twitter was like feminism destroyed, like killed my family because... Oh, I saw this.

Without feminism, I would have had children by now. I would have had... No, no, no, no, no. I would have had five children by now. Yes. By the way, this dude said, he was 30 years old. Five kids at 30 kill me dead.

What is this fucking little women? What are you having five kids by 30 for? Jesus Christ. Seven brothers for seven brides. Yeah, exactly. I mean, dude, that's cut to all those incels dancing on logs and fucking throwing women through the air.

We kidnap them. We kidnap them. See, that's the thing. It's like if they could learn the dance or a skill, like lumber jackery. So that's what Richard Gears' problem is.

He's like, he's an MRA. We start, he's like, he's blocked. His column is due in a couple of hours. And everyone in town knows them. They're like, hey, Ike, how's going? Your last column sucked. Oh, Ike. See, that's another thing.

You said this small town shit you couldn't stand. This New York City is a fucking small town. No, and that's what's obnoxious is this is fucking fake as anything. Are you kidding me? I walk outside. I don't say shit to anybody and nobody says shit to me. Yes. That's how that works in this town.

Nobody, nobody has a personal relationship with, the asshole selling bootleg t-shirts on the sidewalk. First line out, he walks out and a construction guy. Doesn't say, hey, what the fuck are you looking at? He says, oh, your column sucks. Yeah, this construction worker wasn't busy cat calling a woman walking by. Did he say it sucks? Because then he's correct.

Because, like, we also hear some of his fucking column that's just like, I traffic in female archetypes. There's like the spinster and the woman on the subway with the perfume. And here's why I'm right about everything. Well, he says it's like, the mother, the whore. Yeah. It's, it's crazy because this movie needs to end with Richard Gere back in New York. He's waiting for the sixth train, right?

And he's just standing there. And then like, brain aneurysm, he falls forward in front of a train and is killed, directed by Gary Marshall. Good credits. Let's go. And he becomes a horny angel, okay? You're going to want to see the sequel. So he goes to a bar to sort of get, that's where he gets his ideas, I guess.

He's like hitting on Cila Ward for a little while. Seal Award, like, Seal Award was Cila Ward by this point. And this happens multiple times in this movie, and I don't understand what's going on. Cila Ward, who was an established actor by this point, uncredited, and she's just lady in bar. What are we doing? I think it's just because they want to be part of this Julie movie.

It's like Gary Martin, it's the new, it was the new pretty woman. Right, right, right. I'll have a little bit in that. It's not like it's Altman. Like, oh, I know. Fucking Cila Ward. I mean, I could, maybe she's a big Happy Days fan.

I think she probably was supposed to be a character that comes back in the end. She is back in the end, actually. Is she? Like, when they're all like celebrating in the bar, in the, I mean, we'll go all over because who cares about this movie. At the end of the movie, they get married. And, like, word goes round the globe. that they got married

and they cut to this bar and like fucking Larry Miller also uncredited in this film as the bartender is like and he's been another Gary Marshall movies is like hey they got married and the whole bar goes ape shit including Seal Award

who's just standing though Who cares? Yeah, who cares. Also by the way their final wedding that is the very end of the movie it's like bookended because I forgot about this. This movie opens with her riding the horse

in the dress. We were wondering about this at the end of Rambo 3. There are many wedding horses in this movie. Several, I would say. Yeah, Michael Shannon has to get them all over to Afghani Mountain in order to, in order for her to ride them for all of her weddings. The end of this movie should be Julia Roberts being pulled apart by horses. Each one of her jilted lovers has a limb and they all... Richard Geer, it was all a set up. He's smoking a cigarette in the background. He's like, yeah, that's what you get for being a woman. They each painted their names on the horses.

They all slap their asses and she gets tore asunder. So he runs into this guy. He's like, oh, my God, I'm blocked from my column. He runs into this guy. Reg Rogers, I think this actor is. I don't know. Chelsea told me that he was on Friends for a fashion. He was on Friends.

I just saw him on Broadway, actually. He does almost the exact same thing in primal fear. Well, he does this. It's a cartoon drunk It's like a pink elephant Which way to the place to go It's fucking Arthur Yes exactly

Arthur 3 dead in the gutter Does this movie need a plot I got a plot for your Richard gear Right here There's a lady Ridge Ruffles you gotta go broader With your comedy Go broader

They don't know The people don't know You're drunk Watch the loony tunes With the little frog that sings That's the drunk I want you to be Animaniacs understand what I'm saying?

Animaniacs. Do the animaniac. I need a hiccup and I need red eyes. That's what I'm going to need from you. All right. Here's your motivation. You're a cartoon mouse and you're having a great afternoon burying through wheels of cheese. And then, uh-oh, what's that? A wheel of wine cheese? Now you're drunk. Go. You are officially cartoon mouse drunk.

So that's what this guy is. And he's like, blah, blah, blah. He kind of tells a story about, like, there's this woman in Maryland that, you know, has. And he says, like, she's jilted seven different people. Right. This is what she does. This is what she does, blah, blah, blah. So, and, like, you know, Richard Gears just a columnist, so he's like, got it.

And he goes and he tip-types away. And he writes this big column about it. The weird thing is he puts her name in it, which is odd. Like, he puts her name and where she was from. Why? It should just be, like, if you're just doing, like, a broad column about what, like, how much you hate, women. It should be like, there is a woman in wherever, or in this country

that's jilted all these people and that and that's synonymous with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's the end of it. And he wouldn't have gotten fired and we wouldn't have had a movie. But also this is on Rita Wilson who's editor who puts this in the paper and doesn't fact check it? And then she fires him.

Yes. Nobody edits. She's like the editor-in-chief. She seems to be like at the head of it. But like he doesn't even have like somebody just to pass it off to be like, hey, does this look right? Like a copy editor or something? No, see, newspapers, they're made like this. You write your article, you go to the Xerox machine, and you press 10,000.

That's it. And you just throw them on the press. Yes, exactly. So this comes out, and also this dude, I'm sorry, because it happens twice in this movie. The first time is this drunk guy. He goes, they call her the runaway bride. Cool. All right.

I think we get like. four instances of the title I only counted two I think there's because there's one later when well because two from him yeah and then I think one from Richard gear and then I'm forgetting every time I paused it

you saw it on the thing and this comes out and we cut to actually Julie Roberts she's at working a hardware store and she's like really funny fake USA today by the way guys because everyone wakes up and reads the USA today this is the funny

part of this movie. It was more popular at one time. No, it was for sure. But just the notion that it's splashed across every kitchen counter in America. And they're like, well, you know what, Back to the Future also predicted that USA Today would take over the world? They absolutely did. You're right. And she's like,

oh, real funny, you guys, a nice fake bachelorette party joke about me being the runaway bride. What a lame bachelorette party. I mean, okay. And she finds out it's real. She faints. She winds up writing him a letter. Everyone has really turgid sweaty pros

in this fucking movie. Wow, turgid. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It just really annoyed me. So, turd. Turd. Turd. Terted. Tertgent. It's like Richard Geard's a turd gentleman. He gets called into his editor's office, editors Reed Wilson, and her husband is a Hector Elizondo

wearing a rug for some reason. Oh, because... I guess it was I don't know. That was to make it look like he could marry Rita Wilson maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. Although, you know what? The end of the movie where he's in the suit and he still has this piece on and whatnot and he's standing with this like cold glare just staring out into this church,

the thought I had was at that moment anyway, probably not anymore. Hector Alizondo could have totally played Hannibal Lecter. Oh, yeah. Because he's got the fucking Lecter haircut, kind of. I love him. He's so great. He is great. I like how I love Hector's also.

That's what makes a lot of these horrendous Gary Marshall movies, you know. Work. You can stomach them as Hector Elizondo pops up. I just find it so funny because he played the detective in American Gigolo, right? Yes. And that like to have him like this relationship with him now. Totally. It's weird.

It's just strange. It's important to note also that Rita Wilson and Richard Gere are ex-husband and wife and Hector Elizondo is not only best buds with Richard Gere, gear, but now married to Rita Wilson. So figure all that shit out. Can I get that movie instead? That sounds a lot more interesting to me. Eliminate the small town

shit. Keep it in New York movie. Look, Hector, I got a piece. You should have a piece. Doesn't it just make sense? So they wind up, so he gets fired. And, you know, hector Elizondo, because he's so good

friends with him, he's like, hey man, I work for GQ sometimes. If you go out there and write a rebuttal piece, you can get your job back, or like, you'll make a lot of money, and it'll be great. And he's like, the beginning of the movie should be Richard Geer Cub Reporter, or Richard Gear Reporter is investigating the runway bride. You cut out 25 minutes of this movie, and you make him less of an unlikable piece of shit.

The beginning of the movie, he is a monster. And that shit doesn't filter or trickle down through the rest of the movie. He stops having that attitude, like, almost immediately. Yes. Like, it's completely dropped once he gets to this town. So what is the point of making me suffer for the first 25 minutes of this movie? And he says he's going to get a cover story on GQ? That's a hell of a bet, man.

Yeah, seriously. You're just, like, taking Elizondo out his word. It would be one thing if it was, like, Hector Alizando's character is, like, the editor-in-chief at this magazine. But instead, it's like, I sometimes freelance for them. What fucking poll do you have? would have maybe done some numbers on BuzzFeed. The cover of GQ. Give me a fucking break.

Give me that modern version where he's just like, there's only five types of women. Here's a listicle of them. Give me the BuzzFeed version. And then everybody forgets about it in a week. Sponsored by Pepsi. And so he goes out there. It goes to Maryland,

which they're pretending is like, I don't know, fucking Arkansas. I don't. No, here's the thing. Because you were talking about this and we were thinking about it.

Like parts of Maryland back right up to fucking West Virginia. That's true. It gets out there, man. Yeah, it gets out there. I'm sure it's, you know, weirder. The more than the more than college. You can find, like, you know, Hicks and these alcaves of Hicks and weirdos in any state. Sure.

Yeah, you go to western New York. Yeah. Oh, we got them here. The fucking hinterlands of New Jersey even, like, go to like the Pennsylvania border. You will see some fucking Confederate flags. You're like, what are we talking about? New Jersey, yeah, Jason Voorhe's country. And haven't you ever been to East Hawaii?

No, actually, Hawaii is very nice. And so he goes out there. And he's like trying to pass himself off as somebody else. You know what I mean? Like, and I hadn't seen this in a while and I remembered nothing about it. I was certain that the movie was like doing the, he lies about his identity until the end of the movie. And it's the, was it all a bat situation? Boy, that would make more sense than all this fucking nonsense.

It's immediately diffused because they are daily subscribers to USA Today and have his picture right there. But the funny thing is like the movie never does a good enough job, but many things, but of why Julia Roberts or anyone in the town puts up with this dude. Yeah. Because he's a jerk. He makes fun of people to their faces. Well, that's the thing is like apparently it's such an idyllic. small town that like people are like well we can't be you know he's our guest in the town we can't be rude for he's an outsider i think also though part of that it's not well it is like

he's a guest but also he's a big celebrity kind of a thing because that's what like the grandmother's like falling over herself trying to entertain him i got a feeling like a dogville feeling here oh i like that like he came in and like it was an idyllic small town they're all together but slowly but surely he asked them and they all these fucking grievance that just fucking push to the surface. You know it would be awesome actually if this movie ended with like Richard Gear comes out of the bed and breakfast and he's like going to go to it. He's been invited to dinner by Paul Dooley or something, right?

He exits the bed and breakfast and he goes and he's like crossing the town square and he sees a line of like 10 townspeople just standing there staring at him and he's like, oh hey everybody, how's it going? And then like they point at him and he turns around and all of a sudden instantly there's another line of like 10 people and he's like oh hey guys how's it going and then they start like walking closer toward him and they form a

circle around him and he's like hey what's going on guys and then this barbershop quartet starts singing and then all these people stone him to death I was gonna say it's a weird like outsider I was thinking it's gonna be a wicker man in if James Kahn shows up

and he's there and he picks up Nicole Kidman and then takes care of the rest of the town I'm ready for that But literally when they get married at the end And like he she's like And like Christopher Maloney's there for some reason Like what is he doing there? And like they just start

They grab him And then they fucking drag him out to town square And burn them on a pyre Totally I need a few more pig children If that's gonna happen Oh you could find some pig children Can we talk about the children in this movie?

I'm sure I didn't notice any pig children But you didn't notice the terrifying Twisted weird thing with all the kids in this movie A lot of twins twins and triplets out the ass in this and it's freaking me the fuck out just thinking about it's my fetish apparently at least according to the Tribune Gary Marshall said like he noticed in populations

of small towns there was a larger number What is this fucking weird Gary Marshall eugenics? It makes no fucking sense It's a children of the damn situation Welcome back to Gary Marshall's eugenics It's so weird You've sent away for this tape, and here it is. There are eight more tapes on the way,

so I hope you really like eugenics. This is how you turn your town into a pig farm. By pig farm, I mean a twin city. By twin city, I mean twins. Thank you for allowing me to advertise the Soldier of Fortune magazine. Gary Marshall is hosting the video at the end of Get Out. Yes.

If you are watching this video, it means you got the coupon in USA Today. So he goes to Joan Cusack's store to sort of a hair salon. That's where Julia Roberts is. She just kind of hangs out there and like he's pretending to be somebody else but this is where they dye his hair a really funny color. Oh yeah. All sorts of colors.

And he kind of lets his intention to be known because they, you know, like hey look lady, you ruin my life. You got me fired and you messed up my hair. So I'm going to write a hit piece on you and I'm going to find out everything about you and make you look like shit I'm just like well I'll marry you by the end of this movie sounds about right I'll marry this guy so

moving along like everywhere she goes he winds up being there first of which she is getting married to Chris Chris Maloney a young Chris Maloney yeah I mean fresh off of eyes probably just doing SVU at this point SVU started in 99 okay so yeah it's it's that area

Maloney and the problem is also Maloney they never make him they try like make him kind of a dunce a coachy kind of dunce kind of a guy but it's it never fits because he's too nice and too charming so you're like why why would you dump well? I've never known a coach or gym teacher

to ever be kinder yeah exactly he's very nice to her well they don't really decide if they want him to be funny or not yeah that's kind of like which is so dumb because Christopher Maloney has one of the best examples of comedic timing

you can find. Sure. And he's a lot of fun in this movie. I just got a flashback to my small town gym teacher. Oh shit. Mr. V. Who secretly dated a student. Oh, nice. Ours didn't, it was not so secret. Well, no, this becomes not a secret because after she

graduated, then they like officially got together and wow. He was just allowed to still be a gym teacher. Wow. Good thing he wasn't Mr. VD. I think he probably was. What about your gym teacher? This guy was having sex with students? He was having a gym teacher. The football coach

or forget his name. Well, don't say it in a year. I don't recall that. I recall there was a history teacher who was fucking around with a couple students or something. I didn't remember no gym teacher. We went to talk about this off the air. We went to Caligula High, sorry. So we should write a column about this.

About gym teachers? Yeah. And just put people's real names in the column. Just use it. Don't fact check anything. USA Today I'll pick that shit up in two seconds. Call buzz We got this going. Yes, BuzzFeed article on sexual gym teachers. Would you like that?

Comment below. So she winds up going back home where she lives with her dad. Her mother is dead. This is where we meet Chris Maloney. And, like, Richard Gere is there. He's charming the pants off of everybody. And her dad is a fall down fucking drunk. Absolutely.

And it's never really. It's kind of awesome. It is kind of awesome. This is what I want to end up as. They play it for laughs, but then they also kind of. have played the seriousness of it, but at the end, he doesn't get the help he needs. He does not. It's so funny because, like, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are then, like, moving him from

this bar to his truck. And, you know, they have a car. He has a car. I thought Richard Gere was going to drive him home with this car. We totally work. And he's just like, hey, let him cool off in the truck and let's go for a ride together. Leave him his car keys. Leave this fucking passed out drunk his car keys.

That's the thing. I was like, did they take those? keys like sure sleep it off on a car but make sure you take those car keys so we meet you we meet him he's like oh yeah he gave me an extra bottle of wine so I'll tell him all these stories about you Julie's I love this

small town bar that's just like a fucking like general store slash bar and it's just like yeah dude just fucking end your life well he hangs out there but this is like they're at his house yeah oh right right right like Paul Julie's just sitting there like it is the chair that he's been sitting

in for 50 years Let me tell you about when Julie got her, period. Exactly. There's a lot of that going on. And he's got tapes of every single wedding that didn't happen. Why are you keeping the tapes? He's keeping the tapes, and he's editing them together to be all one master tape. It's a super cut.

Well, that's the weird thing is she, and Paul Dooley kind of reveals himself here. He's like, we always say that Julie isn't the, isn't, uh, Hale's running, longest running joke, but she certainly is the fastest. And like, that's his gag, and that's fine. And it's a real... You want to talk about Dogville. This is darks. Yeah, and he's like... The boys down at the Elks love that one.

Let me tell you. I make them tapes. I make all my buddies the tapes. Did you know Richard Gear, if you hook up two VCRs? You could make a dub and just like edit it together like that? Did you bring a case of this wine or is this the only bottle you got here? Why would you keep the tapes? People like looking at him.

People like it when I play the tennis. Eric is correct that he edited these into one master tape unless somehow it was a thing I like watching my little girl go through it every time because the wedding because the wedding was so short he was like well the tape was only up to like 40 minutes he's well I guess I'll use the same tape for the second wedding oh I don't want to tape over the first wedding it'll just be and then it goes to Hogan's heroes reruns but I was going to say he does more than just editing together he's doing some creative fucking touches here Because the first one is the Grateful Dead Idiot.

Yes. And so this is Deadhead Bob. Deadhead Bob. This guy is played by the actor who was one half of the tough guy gay couple on Seinfeld. I get him mixed up with Frank Grillo a lot. Yeah, he looks like Frank Grillo. Frank Grillo's lives at 15 years younger. Yeah, but, yeah.

So that's this dude. So their whole wedding is that they're like, he's playing fucking sugar magnolias and all this. And so Julia Roberts goes out. and the priest is about to come up here. She runs away, but her dad put the like, when she's leaving. You can clearly hear that there's like this like escaping music going on. Man, he must have had a night with this thing.

I go to the local school. They do, they teach film production there. And I'm like, hey, guys, can you have some fun with this? Hey, hey, hey kids, humiliate my daughter. Can you add stuff on like, can I put like some bunnies? years on her or something. Can I get like a slide whistle going when she runs away?

So yeah, but Richard, I mean, it's a humiliating night for Julia Roberts, one of many. Richard Gere steals the tape. You watch the tape. The first one is the Deadhead wedding. She runs, she runs off with another guy, right? Like, she jumped in the back of some dude's motorcycle, yes. And she's like, get me out of here. The second one is

like a churchy wedding kind of a thing. This is Donald Logue. and what happens is she runs away and like this little kid the ring bearer is holding on to her veil that's a lot of fun he's dragged like 10 country miles

oh she killed the kid like she runs so fast and she goes out to traffic and oh my god it's like the beginning of pet cemetery I thought you're going to say it was like the end of diehard I killed the kid

it's also there's a weird gag here you know like Gary Marshall was like come on it's cute like the kid stands up and what does he say here he's like wow what a bitch or something like yeah you fucking slap in my knees and then the third wedding is the Blair Witch

wedding which I call it which is when she runs off on the horse which is the beginning of the movie but like the weird thing is it's never actually addressed A why she does this it's like they kind of say like they get to the point where like oh she never really found herself and she only realizes that when she's walking down the aisle B why have a big wedding at all

The first wedding was a failure. That's fine. Second wedding, let's just do a fucking town hall, dude. I guess here's the thing. It depends upon who's picking up the tab, right? Yeah. Because like, Paul Dooley's picking up the tab. That's a thing.

We are told that it's a Paul Dooley all three of these times. If it was a thing where it was like, yeah, I guess that's why he's drinking. That's why he's got a drinking issue. If it was a thing where it was like, Deadhead Bob's wedding, it fucked up. Second time it was like Donald Logue's, parents were like, you know what, our son's never been married. We want this to be a nice thing.

We'll pitch it. I can see that. But Paul Dooley specifically says that he's shelled out for all three of these weddings. This is the $100,000 tape, all right? Okay, you cost me $100,000 to make all those weddings. Me and Ted done at the liquor warehouse got awfully close during all those weddings. Oh, God. You might be right, Eric. This is what he's doing. It's all, he's going to submit this to America's Finiestone videos. He is He's waiting for it. That's how I'm going to recoup it, man. You think someone getting kicked in the nuts could be

me getting financially ruined over a decade. But is it the biggest prize on America's Funniest Home Videos like $10,000? Yeah, that's true. Make up for the deadhead wedding at least. Is that still on the air? America's funny. There's some version. That thing will never die. Is it still

Alfonso Ribeiro's doing it? Is it like Tom Bergeron or something? No, he's long gone. Oh, is he dead? No, he has a doing it years. It's been Alfonso Ribero from Fresh Prince. So wait, did she have, did she get marriage license each time before? That's a great question too. Like usually you are

legally married by the time you actually get married. You know what I mean? Like, uh, well, it's a weird like you have the, you have the form and whatnot and then like at least this is the way we did it. Like you go and you get it and then like it's signed and shit like at it was signed and then the witnesses and all that stuff. And then you mail it. Okay. But the thing is I mean like it's just it's like

And I totally understand this happening once. Like maybe you freak out. But like to do it three times. And like she's so flippant about it. And every time like the next movement of the movie is gear tracking down all these dudes. Right. And it seems like it's the first time she's talking to them since the wedding. And it's the first time she's like apologizing.

Like the fuck is going on. And it's a small, you probably see these people every week. All of the time. Every day. And she would turn into like earth a kit from Ernest scared stupid in reality. She would have just been banished from the fucking house if you'd be making her fucking art projects in her lawn. A bunch of garbage on her front lawn.

So Donald Logue becomes a Catholic priest. She goes to confession and she's like, oh, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah about, you know, totally ruining your life. Well, you didn't ruin my life. It was God's plan. Well, that's, he gets her off the hook real quick. Yeah, well, he credits her with like, you know, directing him towards his true calling or whatever. and I wanted to be like, no, no, no. Like, you still owe this lady, oh, fuck you.

Yeah. Oh, it stings. It doesn't matter. Well, there is. I don't want to hear about it, not stinging. There's actually a great line, though, where Donald Logue's like, well, first, he's like, first of all, you're not even Catholic, so you shouldn't be here. Yeah. And so they, do you think that was, like, a point in their relationship anyway?

Like, oh, you won't convert? Oh, yeah, maybe. And then, and then, like, by the end of this conversation, he's like, and by the way, like I mentioned, you are not. You are not a Catholic. If you choose to convert, take your confession with Father Tim and don't ever fucking talk to me again. Of course. Of course. It's kind of the politest way a non-Italian priest could tell you to go fuck yourself.

Because also, you know, the big gag is like, oh, man, look at this silly newspaper. And it's all about Julia Roberts. She was ruined by this article. But these three other dudes are like, oh, fuck, this is back in the news again. And they're like, hey, Father Tim, remember what you got fucking fucked over by that later? Yes, I do. Why, yes, I do. Yes, thank you very much.

Hey, head head, Bob, you're a loser for several reasons. But remember that time you got left at the alt of fuck face? Yeah, I'm never going to forget it. Never going to forget it. But that's why that third dude, he was like also, I was just blowing through town. He was like doing some sort of scientific research or whatever. Well, he doesn't look there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I know. The drunk from the beginning of the movie is this third fiance. Because his life is duly ruined. You know what I mean? Like, for real ruined. At least he doesn't have to see these people every day. Yeah, that's a really good point. Well, he was smart.

He moved to New York and just became a fucking bar fly. That's the move. That's the smartest move. That's what we all did, actually. So then he goes to Deadhead Bob, and Deadhead Bob is a mechanic. And they're just talking. And this is when Richard Gere is there, and he's making fun of this guy to his face. Because he's like, hey, Bob, isn't that really cool?

And he's like, yeah, man, it is. It's like, don't know. I mean, I know you're stoned. Well, it's that fucking tired as fuck. Like, oh, you listen to the Grateful Dead? And this dude's like, I just like music, man. But that's what the movie's doing. He's doing it to his face.

Oh, yeah. He's, you know, to get the fuck out of my place. Because it's like I'm this fucking, you know, big, you know, columnist so-and-so. And you're just a fucking small town, quote-unquote, loser that works in an auto body shop. I'm this big fired writer. Big shot fired writer. I want to rewind quickly just to highlight a moment where Richard Geer goes to her beauty parlor or whatever. Curl Up and Die, which is a good name.

Well, it appears in several films. Most notably, that's where Carrie Fisher works in the Blues Brothers. Oh, really? There's a curl up and die there, and a couple other movies have it. It's a good, it's a good funny name. It's a nice gag. Somewhere in Bob's Burgers, maybe.

Yeah, it's a joke Bob's Burgers was made for. Probably. So when he's first introduced in this small town, they dye his hair, rainbow, colored and it's like a fuck you clown move which is nice but but then somehow and this is like science fiction maybe or maybe they didn't um permanently dyes hair but they want it just like washes out oh he's like uh he goes to some dude and he's like we're gonna get shampoo extra strength i was like what that's not how that works and also like yeah you wouldn't get you're like

richard gear white hair back or whatever yeah it would be like bleached and weird or something for a while i've he should have shaved his head oh my god the rest of this movie's just bald yeah Instead of the fucking silver fox we're presenting with, by the way. His hair looks great in this movie. Oh, my God, he looks fantastic. A hunk with silver hair. Get out of, blah, blah, blah. Ew.

By the way, sign of the Times, 1999, the guy who runs the motel, he shows her her room and then just puts on like a VR headset. He puts on a virtual boy, my friend. Oh, a Nintendo's virtual boy. Is this they have sex with this thing, like a demolition fan? No, I just played some boring tennis on it one time. There was a Star Fox thing, I think, too. Hey, Nintendo, you're trying to make a new system happen, huh? I'll feature it in my movie for half of a second.

What if a horny lover put it on his head? How about that? The old martial touch, that means that old people will know about it. Anybody ever play a virtual board? I did once, yeah. No, I've never even heard of it. I played it, but it was a thing. Remember you could rent systems from Blockbuster?

that's what we did but like it didn't have this head strap on like this kid's cut it was just like on a tripod so you had to either like sit with it at a table or like you know like lay on your belly like on the floor and like put your face into it it's how

did that fail is the question I don't know I'll never know you know what's great about virtual reality remaining perfectly still well you got to start somewhere just like real life so yeah I mean, like, he, and like, what we're getting from this is, like,

she's also, uh, she had adapted to each one of her boyfriends or each one of her fiancees, yeah, specifically so much so that she, uh, liked whatever eggs that they like. And this is kind of like a line from Richard Gere too, right? It's kind of like a joke. Like, how does she like her eggs in the morning? Because I'm going to fuck her. Because, hey, I'm going to cook her fucking breakfast. Oh.

Well, this is what he starts to. And like, he goes to a diner where her and Bob, who's, uh, Chris Maloney, are eating. And this is when he also realized, you know, Bob gets an egg white almond with mushrooms. She gets the same thing. Yeah. And like, this is what he actively starts flirting with her in front of this guy. And this guy's just like, hey, this is cool. This is what's fucked up too because, God damn it, dude, it is a 1999 Chris Maloney against a 1999

Richard Gear. Richard Gear should be scared of this guy. Like, this character needs to be, like, they position it like he's a nice guy. Yeah. Like, because he's not like an asshole. so it's not like so... This is what's weird though is like

he should be more of an asshole so that when Richard Gear rips her away from him you should be like well it's totally fine because that dude sucks but this movie is just like everybody's cool with everything

I mean the whole point of it from his why we're not supposed to like him is that like he's making her do all the stuff that he knows about like the sports therapy stuff and like it's supposed to be like

he's putting this all on her instead of just listening to her she's never like I don't really have an interest in this or like, oh, his stupid mountain climbing, this character, like Steve said, like adapts to everything other people do and doesn't like give their own opinion about everything. So he has no way to not, to know that she doesn't dig on. Also, but like if I was this woman and I saw that and I'd be like, okay, that kind of sucks. It sucks at my

fiancee's doing that. Richard Gear in front of Chris Maloney when they're at the fucking high school and like he's just like, oh yeah, it's funny that you do gym stuff. And like, Oh, yeah, go team go. He's like, oh, yeah, you're going to go fucking climb a mountain. When they're having dinner together, it's like, with the family and everything, he's like, yeah, I'm not going to have my honeymoon with the two sherpers and a yak. And Chris Maloney's like, that's awesome. This should accelerate into like a cult situation, like with the wicker man ending, Steve came up with. And then the whole town marries Julia Roberts.

Oh, yeah. She becomes like the big head of the town, exactly. Well, everybody in this town wants to marry her. anyway. Like, she's only had three fiancés, but, like, she's had various degrees of relationships with a lot of people in this town. Including Joan Cusack's husband.

Oh, God. Wait a second. You're going to Berlin, Maryland. That place where everyone wears white robes, and if you just go there, you have to marry their queen and pledge fidelity. Yes, exactly. That's really awkward. We're all castrated, but then we marry

Julia Roberts. Oh, right. So they go to a baseball. game. And I guess it's just like a town friendly baseball game. This is where she's dressed like she found an outfit in Cheryl Crow's garbage. This fucking cowboy hat she's wearing. The cowboy hat, this

weird like three quarter length t-shirt with like cartoons with dialogue bubbles on them. Fucking Frotopia rapper on her shirt. Yes, it does look like a Fritopia rapper. And it's like lady, just fucking play it down a little bit. You know what I mean? It's awful

and she's standing there. She's cheering. for everyone because it's not like them versus another town it's just townspeople playing baseball but she has a specific relationship with Joan Cusack's husband Corey and then immediately again because it's been years just fucking building up Joan Cusack gets one minute with Richard Gairn and he's like that bitch with my husband will not stop and it's but it's true though she's like you know patting him on the butt yeah and he's got a cute name for her and all this shit. It's kind of like Richard Gere is the character. It's kind of like, I always forget the name of the intruder with William Shadden.

Where he just blows into town and ruins everything. That's what Richard Gere does here. He's stirring up trouble. Because it's like, it's Gere and Joan Cusack and they're sitting on these bleachers and like her husband, Corey, like, makes a play or something. And him and Julia Roberts are like cheering and they do like a chest bump thing and whatever. And Joan Cusack is not paying attention to shit until Richard Gere is like, wow, all that rah-rah chest bumping with your husband, huh? Are you cool with that?

And he's going, he's doing that to everybody. He's planting these seeds of dissent. And he's like, yeah, did she, I mean, like, that laughs fake, though, right? Like that big, that big boisterous laugh she does. That's fake. That's for him. That's specifically for him, right? She's just, she's just doing that, like, oh, look at my life.

You didn't really have fun, did you? Fun is stupid, you know. I actually really like this. It's a remake of the intruder and call it the therapist. Because everybody in this town needs one. apparently, and nobody's talking to anybody. Oh, nobody in this town believes in any kind of psychiatric help.

And because this movie's three hours long, or two hours long, it should be really 91 flat. He's, there's a big scene of reconciliation between Joan Cusack and Julia Roberts. That's like, they're at the hair salon, and Julie Roberts starts it off with, do you think I flirt with Corey?

And Joan Cusack's like, in her head, you can see her being like, well today's that day I've always dreaded and then she's like well actually now that you bring it up yeah you kind of flirt with my husband that you used to date by the way and then she's like I don't mean to I was like yes you do you know what the fuck

you know what when you're flirting you know what's going on like even when I make a bad movie you like me right I kind of feel like this movie is what Clive Owen watched whilst drinking right before his scene with her and closer. I have to go into this room and hate this woman.

Oh, yeah, you're the runaway bride, right? Oh, you just don't know whose feelings you're stepping on at any given time, do you? You know, Natalie Portman was in where the heart is. That's just right there. You're in one away, Brian.

Fuck off and die, you fucking slag. Oh, my God. That's what he says in that movie, and it's fucking cold. That movie is truly upsetting. It is. Hey, Michael Lee, just get me a bottle of bushmills and a runaway bride. I'll be ready for the scene.

All right, Clive, I got you here at DVD. I'll need to VHS. I want to grain. You didn't even give a shit about Joan Kusack, do you? She's like your best friend. You flirt with her husband right in front of her. I'm so mad at this character. I hate this runaway bride.

Oh, yeah, you fell over because that backpack was too heavy. No, you didn't. You just did it to get attention to your faker. I knew I smelled Richard Gere in our bedroom the other night. I knew it. I found the gray hairs. My pubes aren't gray. I know who's is.

I know for a feck. I die my pubs black. A bunch of white pubs on my pillar. So then the next move in a situation like this, when you're trying to like diffuse this dude writing another horror, story about you, you break into his hotel room. Oh, yeah, for sure. And she steals his notes. And the next movement of this sort of movie is, like, she realizes, well, he's going to write this negative story about me anyway, I better invite him in and then he'll write a good story,

but also I want him to pay me money. I'm going to demand $1,000. Because of everything is so flimsy, they keep adding more reasons. Every scene's a new reason why she's allowing him on this journey with her. I don't, yeah, it's. There's so much backflips that they're doing here to make this movie work. Because these people would hate each other. They would just hate each other at the end of it. There's no way to bring two people like this together.

It's as fake as, because it reminded me of this, even though what I'm about to reference is a leaps and bounds better movie, but it reminded me a little bit of the Philadelphia story. Yeah. And how in that movie, like Jimmy Stewart smartly is hiding his identity as a reporter. while like getting, weaseling his way into this, you know, wedding and whatnot. But that's like an impossible old Hollywood situation where they fall in love and you're like, okay.

And then everybody's fine with it at the end anyway. Everybody's cool with who everybody ends up with and everything is fine. But like in 1999, you can't make movies like this anymore. It doesn't fucking happen. It's the same thing with America's sweethearts. Those kinds of stories can't be told in a contemporary setting. is this wedding dress scene which kind of brings them together

a little bit where he starts to defend because everyone all these straw men start popping up like this she goes into this wedding dress store with Richard Gear because now they're on the same team and she's like you know and also this is kind of bullshit too she's like oh you know I know that my wedding dress

is ready that I you know that I've already definitely had altered because that's how fucking wedding dresses work and now it's totally unsellable and Richard Gear is now like her maid of honor I guess and she's like but I've changed my mind I want the wedding dress in the window

and the woman's like you can't have that that's a thousand dollars you don't have a thousand dollars bitch what are we talking about no this is what's crazy it's not that she doesn't believe she doesn't have the money

she's it's like the antithesis of a salesperson she's like listen you don't want to spend a thousand dollars on this dress because with your track record, you're going to wear it for 10 minutes and that's it. Have your $300 dress and then I'll see you again in a couple of years.

And Richard Gere is basically like, hey, idiot. Your job is to make money and her job is to give you money that you need to make. Why are you trying to fuck up this sale? Unless you're her aunt. Yeah. Like maybe I get it. Exactly. Jesus Christ.

But it's only to put him in this position to say this and to put her in a, well, I never. situation. Her monocle falls out. Yeah, the fucking pearls she clutches goes all over the floor. He grabs the mannequin and everything. To your point, it would be better with Jimmy Stewart.

You want that dress? Pull it down for you. See that dress up there right by the moon? You see that moon wearing a dress? Hey, hey, if she wants to spend $1,000 on a dress, you let her spend $1,000. What's that, Mary?

You want a dead cosmonaut's outfit for your wedding? I'll pull it down from the moon And so she tries on the dress And Richard Gere is there And this is when like They start flirting And she's like

You love me in this dress Don't you? He's like no I don't Yeah you do Why you're reading your newspaper upside down You piece of shit Is that that thing that happened? Yeah because he's like

He's like so flabbergass That's how gorgeous she is Oh I see he can't even You can't even fucking see straight I miss the upside down I miss the upside down newspaper In a wedding dress he gets from a rock-hard erection.

Ham-a-ham-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And this is fucking, this is chilling as shit. There's a little kid there watching her in all. Like, I'm going to leave three guys at the altar. That little girl is giving a someday this will be me thing. You know what's a fucking bone-chilling detail? We were making fun of Paul Dooley for keeping those tapes. She kept all the rings.

Oh, yeah, man. This is when this character loses all. This is like soy married an expert. It's worse. It's worse. Like, you're leaving these dudes at the altar. The least you can do is throw everything away. No, return the ring.

I mean, those things aren't cheap. However you're going to do it, erase these people from your lives. Exactly. The fact that you have trophies. Yes, that's what they are. You know what, actually, I think in Predator 2, when Danny Glover goes on the spaceship at the end, and you see, like, the Predator's trophies. The old-timey revolver.

Yeah, an old-timey revolver, the fucking aliens. skull and then Julia Roberts fucking engagement rings. The Grateful Dead Rose Ring right there. And she's got him in all the ring boxes still too. It's fucking creepy as far. It is a house of horrors. Better movies. Switch out

Richard Gear with Morgan Freeman and he comes upon these wedding rings. Oh my God. She's a collector. Two. She's a boner collector. She goes to the fridge to get him some iced tea and Donald Lokes' heads in there.

there's also a weird joke they talk about like oh we know at this point how well wedding cake can freeze yeah because i guess on top of all this paul duly keeps getting left with all the food what's this i found one of julia robert's uh notebooks here says she uh puked on the bus she was so disgusted at the world i hope it stops raining here she she fed she fed donna logg spaghetti for three days straight right before their wedding day and then she kicked him in the back it exploded. Made Grateful Dead Bob put on a prosthetic

penis with a knife and fuck himself with it. How does that even work? He's dead now. She tried to make small talk with Joan Kusack and then vomited all over her and she couldn't stop laughing. Made that barfly eat himself to bed.

She's just as much of a monster as John Doe or Kevin It's facey. Detective. Don't I look cute in this wedding dress, detective? She walks into the police precinct in a wedding dress, yelling with bloody arms. So the town is getting ready to have their, what we're told, annual luow. Wickerman shit.

FYI. Yep, FYI. Big time. A Maryland town having a luwow. It doesn't end with a fucking pig roast. It ends with a person roast. Well, yeah, it's Jimmy Buffett's Wicker Man. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. See, that Broadway show would have lasted. Yes, there you go. Yes. And, like, the idea is it's also kind of the rehearsal dinner, I guess. Sort of kind of. It's serving as that, I guess, because they have a sweetheart table in the middle of the room. Yeah.

But then it turns into a roast. It's not a pig roast. It's just a roast. De Martin goes up, drunk out of his food. face. Orson Wilson is there. There's a really old Jimmy Stewart. I don't appreciate what Don Rickles said.

Bob Hope's there. Let me tell you something about black people. And I was like, oh shit. Turn the tape over. Those roast got racist, didn't they? They certainly did. Yeah, but Sammy Davis Jr. was laughing. So it's fine.

It's fine. Flip Wilson didn't have a problem with it. Yeah, because he wasn't allowed to. so they all start getting up and they all start making their runaway bride jokes and like it's visibly hurting julia roberts it's also a thing that i find so like mind-nummingly painful the endless repetition of the same joke oh yeah the joke we all love right it's insane like paul duly's drunk out of his mind oh he's he's cocked to the wind but it's like i've experienced this in real life like with family where like a joke will not die and it should have been dead from the first time it was told and here's Paul Dooley and he's got that fucking thing about she's not the whatever she's the fastest yeah and the longest one joke but the fastest yes and you just I just I just wanted to walk into the river and like Richard Gears yeah it's like listening to a podcast for

Christ's like Richard Gears like noticing this because he's already starting to fall in love because you can't not he's also the smartest man in the town he is and like it's it's a weird move like he goes up to the table she's sitting with maloney and she's like pretending to let go along but you can tell she's upset and like he goes up and kneels down next to her he's like you okay and if i'm Chris maloney i'm like the fuck did you just say the fuck do you care yeah back off dude like this is actually my fucking rehearsal dinner you stop flirting with my fiancee in front of me Exactly. And then he gives this big speech.

He's like, yeah, you know, here's a toast. May you all find yourselves an easy target. May you, may someone point out your faults for a while. By the way, Paul Dooley, you're a fucking alcohol. You know that? I hope you get hit by a fucking bus. Another thing, all you phony friends, get out of here, man. All right, okay.

And now let me talk about the women in the room. And then Liam Neeson's like, oh very smart but you've only slightly delayed their fate you come in here you drink all my mitis at my luau party yes that's what the second

that's what should have been in the dark night is him at a fucking luau for some reason it's the joke that goes up to a pig let's put a smile on that face of yours and then the dark night rises he's like having a party at like a big like sushi bar slash habachi restaurant and he's like you come

here, you drink all my hot sake, you fucking phonies. And there's your trilogy of drunk tell-offs. And then the TV show Gotham, they could do a toga party once that kid gets of age. You come in here, you do all my keg stands. Get out. Are you going to butt chug? Because I'm going to butt chug. So she runs out, and then they have their big moment.

Big blowout. She's like, you know, you are only here. You made it worse because you pointed out, which is actually kind of true. Like, in that scenario, you kind of write it out and then it's over. And then, like, you know, everybody hates each other, but it's fine. I mean, at that moment, I was like, fuck yeah, Richard Gear, this is awesome. But you're right, because then you immediately have to pay for the aftermath. But also, he's a piece of shit.

Get off of your soapbox. Well, she calls him a cruelhearted piece of shit, which is that, or a cruelhearted accurate. If this movie's PG, no one's getting called a piece of shit. You piece of shit. I mean, it would be infinitely better. if anyone was called a piece of shit. And then Clive Owen comes out, like, oh, yeah, that's right.

You look at you, you go to fucking luau. Of course you did. You know you're going to break that man's heart. Stop going light on her. Let's your gear. Stop it. Your father was right. You don't see any Hawaiians at this party?

That is a weird thing, man. Just all these people around like, it's a luow. You're mother of God. By the way, Lori Metcalf's in this movie for some reason. Another uncredited performance. What is this uncredited nonsense? Maybe everybody was just embarrassed. Take my name off that.

Yeah. Like, no, no, no, no. I'll take the check, but don't, feel free to not credit me. And, like, you know, she's about, you know, she's about to go to his side, but she's like, no, I'm going to go through at the wedding anyway. The next scene is the most, should be the end of the movie. Well, just sorry, this, the tell-off scene really quickly. This is another opportunity for Chris Maloney's character to actually be a character because he runs out and I'm like, here it comes. And he's like, hey, everything all right out here?

And she's like, yeah, it's fine. And he's like, okay, good. Hey, honey, what was the guy in the 1970s, offensive linemen for the Packers? And he's just like, what? I mean, because that's like his character, sports question mark. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's supposed to make him a jerk. It's like he likes sports, but he doesn't know sports.

He's got to ask people what these things are. Stolen sports valor. No, she doesn't, he doesn't realize that she's in pain and he's only thinking about sports. No, that's what it's illustrating. But, you know, to your point about this should have been. classic Hollywood, it definitely should have, because all that shit would make sense of why Chris Maloney is showing restraint, because it's like,

oh, another gentleman's cutting in, I have to show respect. And then, like, Jimmy Stewart, for instance, could give that heartfelt speech, like, oh, don't you have any compassion for, like, it would actually move you, but Richard Geer going up there just acting like a smug New York prick

is not getting us anywhere. That's exactly right. Jimmy Stewart would much more politely tear these people a new asshole. Yeah. And Chris Maloney has to act like he doesn't listen to a single thing Richard Geer says. He has to ignore him essentially for this to work at all. He's trying to recall the name of that

offensive lineman, so he's totally tuned out. You're at your rehearsal dinner, right? And your fiance's getting visibly upset. This dude that she's been spending days with comes up to he's like, you doing okay? And then like he stands up for her in a big showy way and they

go off to yell at each other. You come back, they're crying and you're just like, hey honey, hey poppy. What was the name of the Green Bay Packers' offensive lineman? He was playing around the time of Bart Star. You know what I'm talking about. The pig's ready, honey. Let's go.

There should have been like a cartoon thought bubble over Chris Maloney's head with like sports going on during these scenes so that we know she's not paying any attention. All this is happening is like, she's not the longest running thing. And then it cuts to the 86, the 86 Mets World Series

Behind the bag He's just like Uh huh That was a really Bill Buckner man Oh wow He blew it Wow

Am I getting married or what Is that pig ready I'm starving So the next day Again should be the end of the movie It's the rehearsal It's the actual wedding rehearsal And there's a really flimsy thing

Where like Joan Cusack is like You're bringing Richard gear to the rehearsal And she's like Yeah I want him to see it. Just shut up. The movie's happened. And there's not enough people.

The Reverend doesn't show up. And Maloney's like, you know what? Chris, you know what, Richard Gere, you be the Reverend. So he stands in the Reverend spot. And as she's walking down the aisle, she gets nervous. And Maloney's like, I got an idea. You know what? I'm going to coach you through it, honey.

Richard Gere, why don't you be me? You now get in the groom spot. And I'm going to coach her to do this. This has to be like a fetish or something. Yeah, that's kind of true. True. He's got a cuckold fetish. He's a little bit of, he's kind of, he's got a half a stack working right now.

I mean, maybe that's what turned him on initially when they met. Like, oh, yeah, she fucking treats those guys like shit. She humiliates them in public. Oh, my God. It's the ultimate orgiastic experience being publicly humiliated at the altar. So he's like, I'm going to coach you because he has the sports science. You have to visualize the end zone, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

So he's like walking her. down the aisle. Just look towards the end zone, baby. Look towards the end zone. Sports, sports, sports. And she goes there and like they go through the thing and they start to make like full on make out. Just making out right in front of this dude. I was so shocked by this. I literally went. Yes. Because like the fucking balls on the both of them. Both of them is the big point. The both of them. It's great because gear leans in and initiates. And then, And then she, a whole hog goes right back and you're like, oh, they're like fucking eating cake together right there in their mouths. And like, I mean, I guess that's when Maloney's jerking off.

Is that how that word? Yes. He's got a visible erection in this scene. And it's very weird. No, like he finally punches gear in the face. It is, I guess the wedding is off. And like, she has the fucking nuts after destroy. Like, A, this guy's probably down a couple of grand anyway for the wedding.

Oh, sure. buying the suit, buying the ring, at least. And paying for the wedding. Getting a tuxedo that's shaped like a football referees uniform. And he storms out of the church and he's like, honey, honey, you know, at least I didn't joke you at the altar. This is progress for me. At least I backed out before the wedding is what she says.

At least. Then he turns around and he's Clive Owen. It's just crazy. that she doesn't get, he doesn't tell her off in this part. It's, you know and it doesn't have to curse or anything, but like, you know what, lady, you ruined my life, you knew exactly what you were doing this entire time.

How could, just a real, how can you live with yourself? He turns around, pulls out the gun, this has to stop. The bloodline ends here. Sixth, Semper Tyrannus. Well, no, that's, when he shows up the wedding, I imagine it's a taxi driver situation. He's got the little thing, the pistol

stuck in his arm. He's taking at that whole wedding party. It's the only thing that makes sense. It was crazy. I thought the same thing, actually, Steve, because remember among the guests is Harvey Kytel's Pimp character and Sibyl Shepard's

there, you know. The senator shows up. Hey, Julia, do you call you a little chicken wing? Do you believe that? Believe that? By the way, before we get ahead of ourselves too much, there is...

60 minutes left of this movie? There is indeed. Actually, that's what's crazy. It's like the movie. They're making out the movie. The movie's over. I was like, cool. I fucking paused it 35 minutes left. I could not believe it.

The most outrageous thing happens next. When Richard Gears is like, well, how you still got the wedding date saved? Why don't you just marry me, a man you met less than a week ago? That's fucking crazy. I think I, my brain was like, okay, so Chris Maloney left and now Richard Gears thinking he'll be left. And this will prove his article, right? He'll get that number up to seven or whatever. Yeah.

Because it was like four in real life. Well, that's what's hysterical is because the next thing they do is a montage to make you think like months are going by. Like they're reading to each other in front of a fire. It's fucking weeks or something. It's fucking five days.

Five days. You know, the classic 48 hour getting to know each other period. Yeah, sure. And all of a sudden the town falls in love with them. This is where you get the trailer line of the grandmother getting a perm and everyone's like, oh, I like him. He's funny. He's smart. And the grandma, who

all of a sudden becomes a Randy Grandmock, character. It's a little too late. I know. She should be fucking thirsty the entire film. She's like, oh, I like his tight butt. Oh, I'm an old, isn't that fun for anyone? I would shake my dentures deep into that butt. I would peg that butt. I would toss that salad.

Rim it all day. Maybe he likes a woman behind him. Granny likes eating ass. I'd clean it so well or be like he'd have white wall tires. Remember those? They used to call me the Biday. Why? Why?

Quick question, Richard Gere, dentures and no dentures when I'm eating your ass. Old people play. They do set it up because there's a whole scene before the, she breaks off of Maloney

where the grandmother is like, oh yes, I fucked your grandfather raw. Oh, that's right. Because she's like, oh, I know why she keeps running away the altar. She's not scared of the wedding. She's scared of the wedding night. So for another instance of an old person being humiliated, just to back up a hot second.

Sure. There is a scene that's kind of important, except it's not because they don't do shit with it. But before she goes to the rehearsal, grandma is making dinner for herself and Julia Roberts and Paul Dooley. And Paul Dooley, he's sitting there and he's got a big old glass in the PBR cans right there. And he starts laying into the fucking jokes again. And she's like, you know what? Stop it. And he's like, what?

I'm just joking. And she's like, no, this shit ends right now. You will never say that ever again in my presence. And then like he says something and she goes, oh yeah. Well, I don't like having a father who's drunk all the time. And Paul Dooley is the look on this dude's face. and then it's never addressed again and he's seen drinking later in the movie it's not like an intervention if you just call your dad a drunk and walk away

you're a fucking drunk piece of shit i hope that fixed it good night been cold worse than that i'm drying out oh god so it's their wedding day for some reason this is a huge media event even though it wouldn't be i guess everyone read the USA today and it's oh everybody caught wind dude now it's national news. It was in USA Today. Hector Alizando and Rita Wilson show up

and aren't all the exes there too? Yes, they all show up. All the exes are there. The drunk is there. There's also a weird moment like right before the wedding where he goes back to New York for a hot second. If only to like

finally reconcile with Rita Wilson but they're all best friends anyway but he's like, hey, sorry I was a bad husband and I ignored you and she's like I'm sorry that I didn't hold up my end either. And, like, he's got his arm around her at the piano. They're playing a duet.

He's kissing her on the cheek. And Hector Elizondo comes in. He's like, hey, I got cheese and crackers. I'd be like, are you fucking kissing my wife? I think the three of them are swinging. Oh, yeah, totally. I think that's what's going on. No, that's what Elizondo's so happy.

Because Elizondo's thrilled they're getting married. Oh, yeah. Oh, bring Julie into a circle. And got the one in our mists. Mists and mists. Bring the granny, too. She sounds like she's a lot of fun. Quick question.

Does your asshole have a toupee as well? I'll find out when I'm eating it. Oh, I'm going to have to find a local waxing place. He told me to fuck him. So it's the wedding day, and here we are. Maloney's there. Maloney's like, hey, good luck. Again, he should have a fucking...

something it's insane that he's in attendance he should be anywhere doing anything else this is when he meets and again this is how the movie gets everybody off the hook he meets the blonde and everyone likes each other blah blah blah and i just remembered it this is the character it is it's the woman from new york this is julia robert's sister he says something like oh yeah jack you know even jack dempsey had to lose to a big guy from new york and she's like oh yeah so and so and names the boxer. Yeah. And then Maloney's like, what, what, what?

Sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports. She says sport, too. She knows sport good. So she's walking down the aisle. And it's kind of weird, actually. So she's walking down the aisle. And then, of course, she gets the flutters and starts to run away.

And Richard Gere's like, lock the exit. It's like, everyone tries to check. Shoot her. Shoot her. There should be train guns for sure. It's like someone watching someone about to kill themselves and trying to talk them out. Like, no, don't do it, don't do it, no, no, no, no.

And he jumps on a FedEx truck. Oh, my God. This is the fucking FedEx product placement in this movie. Yeah, and they make such quick and reliable delivery so they speed away. Well, that's, dude, that's what Elizando's got that line. They're like, oh, where is she going? And he goes, I don't know, but wherever it is,

at least she'll be there by 10.30 tomorrow morning. Oh, God. Yes, I forgot. That's a big one everlast because she's kickboxing. Oh, yeah. Right there in the middle. A lot of Pepsi. A lot of Pepsi.

Oh, yeah. It's too bad. She could have got to the, she got to go into the Hector Hole. Did somebody say hole? Oh, come on here. It's my time to shine. I'm going to sit on your face, old lady. But.

Hector Alizando. So would anyone recommend this episode? No. No, no, no. No, no. So, no. Again, like, they should just get, when they kiss at the church, it should just be over, cut to them, like, doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in bed, credits. Or this wedding happens that she finally does it. You just cut immediately to the wedding. It's fine. But the 20 more minutes has to happen with this, will they, won't they, sad, horseshit.

Julia Roberts starts to find herself is the idea. It's like she's, now she's trying which eggs. likes. That's the way I want to find myself actually is cook myself eggs a bunch of different ways all at the same time and then just have a big egg pig out. But here's the thing with the egg pig out, which you have a problem with. That whole town should have an egg pig out. Change the Lou out to an egg pig out. But the problem is you're making it yourself and they all have to be on, I mean, how many burners could you possibly have? Some of those eggs are going to be cold. That's cold eggs, absolutely. That's going to affect your liking of those eggs. That's true.

And if it's one thing I know because I went to college, eggs don't microwave well. The move is to go to the same diner 30 days in a row different eggs each time. And make a documentary award. Dude, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh, wow. Your diner does it all day.

So do, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, exactly. I love eggs from my head down to my legs. You can get like three types of eggs in one sitting. They could all be hot. Sure. You can do, you can move some. But she's got like 12 to 15 different kinds of eggs.

Yeah, that's like, this egg, that egg. The supersized me angle is smart because then you could eat nothing but eggs for 30 days. And then you'll see how your cholesterol's bad now and stuff and how eggs are evil. Super size, supersized me every day. Remember the song in that movie? Run the way bright going down the water. One of the rules is I can't, I'll only have home fries if they ask me if I want home fries. And then I'll be really shitty to all my girlfriends and lovers.

Oh, but no, this is the move is then she turns into like the old egg crone. Every day she goes to the diner and she's trying different kinds of eggs. What's the fuck? She's got to be known for some fucking weird thing in town that now no one knows her for running away from marriages. They know her as the weird egg lady.

Hey, fuck you egg lady. What's you eat today? You crazy old weirdo. Oh, look, you love those eggs. Oh, you're doing eggs with black beans and tortilla chips. That's actually quite delicious. That'd be my favorite kind of egg What's weird is she decides on eggs Benedict is her favorite

I don't trust my self That's not you don't know I love eggs benedict Sure who doesn't But you're getting them at a restaurant Yes You're not sitting at home You're not making a hollandaise sauce at home

Exactly It's also not just the egg It's a fucking Canadian bacon It's a totally different You like poached egg Just say that, you fucking crazy person. Yes, because that is not an egg style.

That is a specialty egg meal. That's like saying your fucking favorite kind of eggs is an egg sandwich. Yeah. Even that's fine, because that's just kind of eggs and bread. Eric's right with the holidays. Because if Richard, they get married, Richard Kier's like, honey, I know you like eggs Benedict see you in an hour when I fucking have to make this mayonnaise for you. No, you got soft-boiled, hard-boiled, scrambled, over easy fry.

sunny side up raw and poach raw yeah like the rocky milkshakes yeah poached eggs those are easy enough like you have to there you go pick one one is one is your preference you can't have eggs Benedict every day well it's like the best egg that I probably ever had was that beef tartar in a restaurant they broke a a raw egg on it and mixed it in it was it was a decadent thing but that would be like that's my favorite I need I need beef tartar with a raw egg on it I made it at home and now I'm dead you write for GQ right you'll be broken a week

honey I got my beef tartar with egg over it but there's no fresh chopped chives in this so I just threw it on the floor that's my favorite so like it's Richard Gere being sad in New York she's finding herself she also there's a throwaway thing

where she always wanted to make these really terrible lamps it's one of these things in movies where like somebody has a craft project and another character in the movie is like these are amazing and it's actually just garbage with light bulbs in it. You could sell these at Woolworth. The modern equivalent are podcasts.

Or Etsy stores. Richard Gierre winds up finding her lamp in a fancy New York store. He's good for her. Oh, she did it. And he's unemployed at this point. I think he was to write a novel now. This lampshade is made out of human hair.

Weird. And in reality, after he'd been freaking dumped, The fifth person, but dumpbo. He's writing the novel, The Woman That Ruined My Life. In these journals, it details making lamps

out of human skin and hair. This is from our leather face collection. She had so many eggs she threw up on the bus. Then opened a cannibalistic Etsy shop. So, I mean, step away, Marilyn. The egg man has the upper hand now. She winds up going to his apartment.

The Big Apple, his apartment. She, like, sneaks into his apartment. Brakes in again. That's romance right there. And, you know, Gira's like, get out. Good out. I said, get out. Calling the police.

I'm calling the police now, Julie. How did she get in this time, though, man? A little podunk bed and breakfast is one thing. This is his Central Park South apartment. Yeah, she would have been shot 50 times. And she wants, no, she's white. She's fine. Yeah, wrong color for that.

I probably let it drive in. My mistake. I forgot about that. So she winds up in his apartment. They start to make up a little bit. And make out. In the middle of the movie, he tells her what his ideal proposal would be. It would be very pragmatic.

Like, you know, we're going to have hard times. We're going to have good time. And then she winds up doing the speech back and a teary-eyed Julia Roberts thing. And someone's jerking off somewhere. She gets out on a knee and proposes to him. A woman proposing to a man. What?

That sound was my hat-spers. spinning off my head. Oh, it's so stupid. And so they get married back in the small town. Well, Gary, you invented a new thing. A woman proposing to a man. You're a genius. This is a progressive movie.

So they get married back in the hometown. And this is the fucking best thing of all. I had a real chuckle at this. It's the two of them on a hill. There's a priest. They get married. Because she says she wants a small wedding anyway. But what's awesome is,

after they do the you may kiss the bride the whole town runs up the hill so it's like no you fucking pigs you stay down there in the mud we will tell you when you can come up here

and celebrate our nuptials and all these people are like yay oh dude everyone's jerking off because it's like the best day of everyone's lives because anyone gives a shit about this woman

well I mean if I was Richard Geer she comes riding up to this marriage on a horse I would tell that priest to kill the horse to make sure she's got nowhere to go Here's your legs out Here's your wedding present

A lifetime supply of glue Or Tim Burton's new movie The Horse Bride Hey it's a horse It's getting married And it's dead Animatronic He's singing though

Look at the patchwork When we sewed the horse back together It's kooky The horse has a button for an eye Do you ever see that Hannibal episode where a person that goes into a horse and becomes a horse. I think about that all the time.

Wish I was a horse. Nay. So then they have, this, actually this, I think, is my favorite part of this movie. The movie's over with. But they have a credit montage. Oh, Jesus.

This montage consists of everyone in the movie dancing, falling over, or throwing things at each other. And everybody's having a fucking blast This is when we start This is what I look There's a stinger scene That I didn't know that there was

Because there's this terrible Billy Joel song that they play This is rotten That I just I couldn't handle it You got it You got to here We got to treat everybody Oh my God

Oh my god Put it out Shut it out yeah legally we can't play any more of that it's a fair use this is a review of the song so let's break it down I think you can't play any more of it because if you play that song and it's an entirety

it opens up a gate to hell and Satan comes out and eats your ass I mean that was good but you should hear what Pusha T sent back to him you know Billy Joel needs to have some rivalries definitely so push a T would be the rivalry I guess that's

man if I mean like you know Billy Jill's getting up there. If he died in a rap feud, that'd be pretty cool. Right? Didn't see that coming. So that song's not good. Yeah. There's an Eric Clapton song that's also shitty as fuck. That's on the soundtrack. And I guess this was made for the movie.

The Billy Joel song was, as far as I could tell. He deemed it not appropriate to put on any album of his own. That's right. Which is good for him on that. Elton John Cald was like, you're not going to play that at a giant stadium, right? Do you think it was the thing where Gary Marshall was like, hey, Billy, my daughter.

Daughter's getting married. Could you write a wedding song? I got a promise it'll be secret. No one will ever hear it. And Billy Joel, like, sees that movie on HBO one day. He's like, oh, what the fuck? That song sucks. The stinger scene is, what were you saying?

I was going to say, if Elton John was his rivalry, the one he went out on, Elton John versus Billy Joel, that's a good one. I think that's a good rivalry. I'd watch them fight to the death. They have songs going back and forth, just beating the shit at each other. Totally.

Do you doling piano? He's drunk behind the wheel Oh, slamming, dude, that's right. That would be amazing. Just fucking sick burns going back and forth. Sing us a song, stupid glasses, man. And so on. These are better than the original.

It still sounds like shit to me. And Elton John will sing us. song about a dead guy anywhere so go on a farewell tour for many years yeah you know it's the circle of shitty bar piano oh so the stinger

scene it's not really much of a stinger scene but I guess it tells you at least this marriage lasted two months because the end there's a shot of them they're back in some farm country presumably the same town yeah uh and And they're like, it's snowing. It's like snows everywhere, snow falls, snow on the ground.

And they're like playing in the snow. And it's like, all right, well, they got married in autumn. And I guess that lasted at least until winter. Yeah. What is this in the snow? An infinity stone. Oh, give that back to me. I had to put it up, Chris Maloney's ass.

He likes the sizzle it makes. It's an a norby. It's not an infinity. It's an A. be treating man i'll tell you what it would be awesome if thanos fucking took out half of this town man oh that's oh yeah do you think the julia roberts when he snapped his fingers that's it oh yeah probably also it would set the record straight with all these fucking twins and triplets even that out a little bit bring that a little more back to normal the stinger scene should be fucking

chris maloney hanging in a closet that's yes or donna logg or deadhead bob well chris maloney at least finds happiness. No, that drunk never does. That guy should kill himself. That guy's just dead in a gutter in Manhattan. Absolutely. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, it's way too long. And I do like Julia Roberts and stuff. Richard Gere's fine and some things.

I don't find this movie cute at all. Literally, I think that the concept of gilding somebody at the altar is a really bad idea to do to somebody. It's a publicly humiliating thing. It's very self-centered. Just dump them beforehand. No.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I just don't think Julie Roberts really works. I know it's what she made her money off of, but I don't think she really works in romantic comedies. Yeah. Yeah, I think she's a good dramatic actor. It's a good dramatic. Like, I, I, I, I know we differ on this mean, Steve, but, uh, I love her in Aaron Brockovich, and I think that's a really good movie. I got to rewatch that, I feel. Yeah, I need to, and she's good in the first, uh, oceans, ocean's 11, she's good, and not.

Hey, Aaron, everyone's drinking this bad water. Me, it's your frog. Albert Finney Put a sweater on Sweetheart Sorry Oh my God I also would not

Recommend this movie Despite Hector Elizondo's appearance Not even Not even Elizondo Could save this one No I mean It's just

It's way too long I was thinking back On her other movies Like I think I liked My best friend's Wedding more than this I definitely

I would agree with that So Because at least That movie's fucking crazy And like hides that less. Yeah.

And you got Cameron Diaz who's a lot of fun in that movie too. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, both of these characters are contemptible and... They don't deserve each other. I mean, they don't deserve happiness. Exactly.

So pass. Yeah, no, this was torture watching this one. It's not even a hangover movie. It will exacerbate your hangover, so please use caution if you're hungover and you got TNT on it 1130 in the morning on a Sunday.

Yeah, I mean, I do like Julia Roberts. I remembered liking Aaron Brockovich at the time. She's been... She's really good. Closer as much as I made part of it. She's really good in that movie. She is very good at that movie. That movie's a movie you should probably kind of like only watch one time.

Yes. But I've seen it like three or four times. It's not a date night film. Oh, absolutely not. But she's even good in like Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Yeah. I like her in that. I like that movie a lot. You know, we were making fun of it and it is an episode, but she's good in conspiracy theory. She's going to know. She's 11.

Absolutely. So, I mean, there are other things you can see both of them in. Just don't even happen to be, just don't let it happen to be this movie, I think, is the idea. And also, fuck, Pretty Woman. It sucks. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't watched it. Not good.

In a while. I remember Jason Alexander's a bit of a problematic character. Oh, yeah. Oh, you were saying you don't like the movie. I thought you were just saying the plot of Pretty Woman. No, no. No. That is Runaway Bride directed by Gary Marshall.

If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And sometimes it is, we never do this. It is 1215 on a Saturday afternoon right now. Yes, it is. And we are just about to do a power hour and watch Eclipse, the third Twilight movie for a commentary that is exclusive to patrons. So that's going to be released in July. I don't think this is going to go well. But we're going to do it anyway.

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Facebook.com slash we hate movies and we're on Twitter at WHM podcast. Steve Sadek next week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues. What do we got going on? We are watching the film Eraser for next week. Oh, man. Arnold's big return to With, like, glowing super bullets?

I don't remember why. It's like a rail guns or something. Yeah, like, I need a vacation. So until next week, where we're talking about an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. He fights an alligator in that movie. He absolutely does. That alligator's fake as fuck as I recall. Yeah.

So we'll talk about that and so much more with Eraser next week on We Hate Movies. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Chris Cabman. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.