We Hate Movies - S8 Ep370: Episode 370 - Armageddon

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

On this week's season finale, the gang brings the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, and season eight, to a close with a discussion about one of the most ridiculous disaster movies of the 1990s, Armageddon! What's with this totally pointless Charlton Heston prologue? Why not just train astronauts to use a drill? And why does Rockhound need to be horny all the time? PLUS: Not even Frasier Crane could escape the dreaded Animal Cracker epidemic of 1998! Armageddon stars Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Will Patton, Steve Buscemi, William Fichtner, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Peter Stormare, Keith David, Jason Isaacs, and Liev Schreiber; directed by Michael Bay. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, speaking of final shit, it's the season finale of We Hate Movies. We're talking about a real rotten one. It's Armageddon. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

What were you doing? It's coming a little too hot. Hello, everyone, welcome to the fine program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like we mentioned up top, it's Armageddon from 1998, directed by Mr. Michael Bay. We've been down this road before with Michael Bay. Oh, my God. It's a Michael Bayist of all the Michael Bayes?

This is the most Michael Bay movie of the mall, I feel. This is the one. We did five of these fuckers last year, man. Oh, right. And we'd been on a bay break, a beautiful Bay Break. He directed every single one of those Transformers. Every one of them. Ding, dong, one of them, dude.

But this is the one, this is one, we're going to be a little serious on this episode because this is an important film. This is Criterion Collection Spine number 59. Oh, is it number 59? Something like that. This is early. Very, you know, this is a criteria collection movie, and this is a serious podcast. We might do a we love movies on the Rock at some point, but that's the better of the,

if you have to talk about like action movies that deserve to be in the criterion collection. It is. It is better. It is better. I was actually trying to look up to see that spine number here. This was like back in the day when it was like, you can have a standard deaf DVD or more importantly, the format that will be around forever, laser disc. Did you just, I think Eric had the spine number. Did you make that up?

Well, it was, there's a five and a nineer. I was on their website today because his actually, his, um, his college professor wrote an essay on Criterion Collection's website about his genius. And if, and if Michael Bay wasn't spurred towards Hollywood ambitions, he would be the bad boy of the intelligentsia. I'm sure. Yeah, he'd be Lars von Trier. He'd be the darling of academia. It's spine. It's spine number 40, by the way. Cool.

Wasn't a fucking nineer in there at all. Let me ask you a question. What comes right before 40? 39. There's a nineer right there, my friend. Just one digit away. Oh, that taped up garbage bag has to be yours. Oh, man.

There's been so many Tommy Boy references lately. Like, I want to go back and rewatch it. Speaking of shit, that should be in the criterion, oh, yes, absolutely. And Chris Fawley, had he lived, would have been one of the bad boys of the intelligentsia for sure. Of course. Definitely. He'd probably have some sitcom that we'd all hate.

Yeah, that's a really good point. You know what I mean? He'd be playing a fucking duffist dad for some reason. Now, I also want to make a point, as this is the season finale of We Hate Movies, a long while back, ages ago at this point, we did the other of these movies. movies. Oh, right. 1998's Deep Impact. I think it's like episode 10 or something. That's probably behind a paywall, man. There's a nineer in there

somewhere. I think that's maybe the first or second episode with Justin J.K. It was, yeah. That's how he got his disaster movie expert street cred. Oh, that's totally right. I'm just looking it up here because it's so long ago, you guys. Anybody want to... Oh, okay.

Anybody want to put a guess in? Spy number, We Hate Movies episode? 23. All right. 18. All right. I'm going to go 30. Eric wins,

17. Oh, yes. And I believe if you did you to if you went to that episode, which by the way,

Patreon.com slash we hate movies $5 level subscribe to that shit unlocked the archive commercial free but I think somewhere on there we were like

yeah, we'll get around Armaged. Yeah. And now look at us fucking eight years later it's finally happening. I finally happening.

got to watch this awful movie again. Well, I watched this about two and a half years ago. Why? Which I know. Great, you know what? Great question. I don't know. The hard-hitting questions here on we do. Were you stowed in? No, just sometimes Netflix is like, hey, we just got this

movie you want to watch it? You're like, yeah, sure, Netflix we'll hang out. And now here's the thing. I think there's a metric for because I was talking about like, oh, we have to watch Armageddon. And now she was like, oh, we haven't watched that forever. And then I was like, yeah, we just watched that. And I think just watching something

it's a year per hour that's when you can say if you've watched something like if a movie's two hours long and you watch it two years ago you've just watched it I see interesting or 90 minutes

you know it's a year and a half part of your sprawling law legislation I'm putting a package together here this one makes even less sense I think it also though has to do with like the quality of the movie

right like I criteria on I I had his fingers to his chin what I'm thinking about the fucking smart movies at least they weren't in his mouth no but just like I uh I had a real rough time watching this I fucking hate this movie sure I hadn't seen it in well over a decade plus gotcha um so for me like 10 years from now I'm going to be like oh I just watched I got you I got you oh no I'm never watching it again after this. This is it. Why would you? No, this is done. I do, they just watched, I don't know, it's a bit,

I think like a few months you just watched it. You watched it recently within two years. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's my, that's not bad. I'm going to do an medment on this law. Especially if it's a fucking three hours long. This is how it gets through the house. Yeah, you got a compromise here and there. Some concessions have to be made.

So Eric Siska, could you please distill this? movie down to its bare bones? What's this movie about? Yes, well, it is a fine motion picture in which Worthy of the criteria and collection, of course. No doubt. Undutably. So, an asteroid

that What accent did this? Smart. Okay, he sounds like one of those fucking politicians from episode one. It's like your horny history character. Oh, Lord Sidious, an asteroid is coming. And it is an asteroid. We have

We have not detected until now. And it is 18 days. It's like if the ring tape was an asteroid and doubled the side. I'm getting lost in the weeds here. Anyway. Well, who knew someone would have trouble explaining the plot of Armageddon? Okay, an asteroid's coming to hit Earth. Yeah.

And they're going to send because astronauts and eggheads are so fucking dumb. They didn't see it coming. Uh-huh. So they're going to, they're going to send the rough necks. That's right. The drillers. Blue-collar America. People that hate the environment and green peace.

And to show all these smart, you know, these eggheads that they were wrong, they will take care of it. No, you sit down, you sit down, smart guy. You don't know, you don't know how to be a man and there's a man stuff happening coming in here. A millionaire, a millionaire, man, by the way. Yes, Bruce Willis is a millionaire, but he pretends, he pretends not to be, which it makes him a man. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's the man. That means the guy's guy.

He's relatable. Exactly. Because this guy exists. We open on some Chuck Heston narration. You will forget that that is how this movie starts. I just watched it, and I forgot about it. He's basically like, damn. We're dinosaurs, and then a big rock fell and all the stupid dinosaurs died.

Welcome to Remedial Science 1A. I'll be your teacher, Chuck Heston. This is an atom, you idiot. Michael, Michael, could you come here and light my cigar, you little word? Now, here's the thing. This movie is two hours and 31 minutes. Jesus Christ. Fuck you, first of all.

Yeah, oh, big time. But, like, you want to know how you can start trimming this shit down? I don't need this dinosaur comet fucking prologue. It is pointless. Cut to Eddie Griffin. Fucking do it. Just go straight to it. Yes, inciting incident.

Fucking rocks fall from space and kill people. I would like it. I would like it. And actually, I had a bit of a Berenstein Bears situation because I was like, is it Eddie Griffin or Mark Curry in this movie? I was like, oh, no, it's both of them. Both of them. Doing the same kind of.

character twice pretty much yeah they're both dudes scared of falling objects also let's just get this out on the table if we're going to talk about this scene this movie and your perception of it changed drastically on september the 12th 2001 yeah yeah it's a it's a rough one it's a weird one it's fucking crazy are you referencing the world trade center shot in this movie that but also just like the i mean you know all of that imagery like when they showed the shot out of like the top, like the top of the the top of the Chrysler building. The point of, I think it's Empire State building, falling. And you're

just watching people fall to the ground, like Grand Central Station. Oh, yes, yes, yes. You know, this is where I think they got the idea for 9-11. Either that of the Super Mario Brothers movie. I think both. Both of them actually have a cut to 65 million years later, actually.

That's totally true. Does anyone know the spine number for the Super Mario Brothers movie? I believe that's 200. in 32. Whatever that genius blog or it was like a Tumblr or something

that made like fake criterion which I fucking loved because they were always like spot on I think they did Mario Brothers at one point and it was genius.

I love the dig at Godzilla here because Godzilla came out the same year and like there was a time in American culture where Michael Bay

and Roland Emmerich were like the Salieri and Amadeus of shit taking shots at each other their movie. By God, he made such a load that I'll never be able to replicate it. All this bullshit.

It's amazing. Oh, that's right, because like Eddie Griffin's got a little dog that's like fucking with a dude selling Godzilla merchandise on the street. And then, like, the dog bites Godzilla, which is like Godzilla's lame for babies. Here come an asteroid. But nobody was safe from the

commentary of these movies, because remember in Godzilla, too, when Roger Ebert got fucking shafted? Yeah, man. With the character of Mayor Ebert? No one was safe. These movies were saying something. The gloves are off. Yeah, so this,

New York is decimated. Big time. It's literally worse than 9-11. I think it's also worse than Independence Day, not for nothing. No, Independence Day, it's a lot of that green goop gets everywhere, right? Goop, what the fuck are you talking about?

Did you just watch that movie? No, actually, I haven't watched that a long time. But no, it's a green explosion that takes out the whole city. Oh, yeah, it's like scorched earth. It's a fire goop. It's like a napalm. The beam hits the Empire State Building. Yeah.

And like there is a huge explosion, I feel. But like, I think the city's done for it, man. I think the five boroughs is gone. The whole thing, all five, even Staten Island. Yeah. Did you expect? No, construction workers yelled at the fire. Yeah.

Please, please save, Stave, Satan Island. Please do it. I got your alien out of here. I saw construction workers. yelling at those aliens from Jersey City. He's the other side of the aliens? Sure. So

we cut to NASA, which is run by Billy Bob Thornton, and he's like, what the hell is going on here? He's got... Billy Bob Thornton's a lot of fun in this movie. He's naturally bald, because whatever, you know, that's a, that was a retcon. This is Billy Bob is Billy bald in this movie.

It's fucking unsettling. Wasn't he always bald? Yeah, like Slingley. But now he's... Slingley's super bald. No, he's not. Yeah. Is that right? That looks piece-ish in Belief. Oh, he's got pieces a mile long.

I think he's walking around like a peace warehouse, dude. I think he's doing the Piven where it's like, no, it's always been like this. What are you talking about? No, I shaved the front of my head for judgment night. Come on now. Come now, Jeremy. Who do they think they're fooling with that? Honest because it looks all right sometimes.

Who, Piven? No, yeah, Thornton's all right. It's always like a little. It's fine. Like, I don't really care. He looks ridiculous in that Goliath show. I'm sorry. It looks like a dead skunk on that head.

What is, what is distil Goliath? He's like a bad boy lawyer who's like trying to. Billy Bob? Yeah. Okay. I already fell asleep. I watched like three episodes and I was like, nope. What is that?

Crackle? That's a Hulu, I think. No, it's Amazon. That's why you don't know what it is because it's an original Amazon show. Yeah, I don't watch those. So he, it's Bill Mount Thornton, he discovers now, oh, actually some, it's actually this old fucking dude with his wife and he's abusive and he's yelling at her about getting his phone book because he's, he's the one guy that notices this huge fucking asteroid that's coming to Earth in 18 days. And unlike Elijah Wood in Deep Impact, who gets a bunch of credit for discovering this thing, this dude is just immediately thrown away to the waistbin of cinema. But also like, and I mean, like, these movies were made kind of concurrently.

and actually I think the screenwriter of Deep Impact said that he had a meeting with Disney and then they just, Disney basically made Armageddon in a rush to beat Deep Impact like, oh, that's a good movie we'll make it ourselves kind of a deal. Jesus, that is shitty.

But it's, it makes more sense in Deep Impact where it's like they find out like a year in advance and then they make the ship and then they have to do the thing and like it takes a full year to do their shitty plan. Because I was thinking about both of these movies today and I couldn't remember.

What is the actual plan in? deep impact? Oh, God, I couldn't tell you. Because it's like Robert Duval is an astronaut. They're all going to go into like underground caves. No, no, no, not that part. The space part. What are the astronauts doing? They're doing something. They're doing

a similar plan to this. They're like going to try to blow it up. Because it's like you got Ron Eldard as an astronaut. And he goes blind in that movie. Yes, because he sees the sun, I think. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, they're going to try to blow it up, but the whole humanity idea is to just put

them in a fucking cave. That's always, dude, man. When I see those plots, it bothers me because I know I would never be selected for one. Oh, not in a million years. Oh, no, no, no. At least Morgan Freeman's like, look, America, this is what's going on, everybody.

You've got 12 months to live. Start fucking. Hey, everybody, start, if you're not fucking now, start fucking. Fuck everybody. Don't just fuck your spouse. Fuck everybody. I, Morgan Freeman, the president, am announcing that monogamy

is dead. Get to fuck it. We're all polyaminesus now. The sex purge begins. Ronnell Dodd is blind. We're fact. So, but yeah, he realizes the Earth has 18 days to fix this problem. Jesus Christ. And we cut to

Jason Isaac has a plan about drilling a hole. Jason Isaac's pretty good in this movie. Drill a hole into a asteroid and then blow it up from inside. Right. Or if you want the idiot version, as they put it. If you put a firework in your hand,

you just get burned. But if you close your fist around the firework, it blows up. Oh, I miss that analogy. Oh, no, no, no. It's better than that, Chris. It's, your wife's open in your ketchup bottles

for the rest of your days. Oh, that's what they say? Yeah. So it's like, you know, God's hand is this asteroid. And now he can't have space ketchup in an arm. Oh, man, space ketchup.

I bet that's delicious. It's a green goop. Turns you into a green goop. Is that what happened to JPP on the Giants? Is that what he was doing? He was trying to... He was like, no, no, no, it's Armageddon. Look, let me show you.

Let me put this firework in my hand. Jason Pierre-Paul getting frustrated at a barbecue trying to explain the plot of Armageddon. That's what led to that horrendous injury. It's how we stop the end of the world. Man, can we just put a fucking human-wide moratting? on plane with fireworks. Can we just stop?

Can we stop giving a fuck about fireworks? We can't. We can't. All these states down south. It is just the fucking dumbest. Yeah. God damn thing. If one person dies by firework a year, that's a hundred people too many.

Like, you know what I mean? The math is so off on that. I'm almost thinking more might be good. Like, instead of doing it in your hand, people, like try the mouth. Just try to swallow it real quick. Try the mouths. See what happens. Or go the jackass route.

Could put it up your butt. Oh, right. They were putting fireworks up their asshole. Oh, yeah. God, anything to make a dollar. I think in Japan they were doing that. What? I'm pretty sure they were in Japan.

There was a Japanese jackass? When they went to Japan. When they went to Japan, they did this stunt on a balcony. Well, we're in Rome. I'm just saying it's a lot of risk for two seconds of color in the sun. in the sky. That's all. No, I think they're useless, too. Also, it hurts dogs, PTSD

victims. Totally. There's a lot of reasons. It's fucking awful and it's stupid. We'll get off our soapbox now. I'm old enough that I don't like it when the television is loud. Honey? It's on fireworks setting again. Come in here and open my ketchup bottle.

No, my hands are fine. That just sounds like a great idea. The base is rumbling my ass again, sweetheart. I held a team. TV in my head that was the volume was too loud and it blew up my hand. Of course, we have to go to the greatest drill, deep sea driller of all time. All time. I'm a big fucking dick.

So we cut to Bruce Willis this song is playing He is golfing at Greenpeace Because they're telling him Hey man don't destroy the planet And he's like And like it's from this point That I realize like the position Of the people making this movie is sure

Oh yeah of course It's fuck the Greenpeace people Later on he's like Oh what you don't appreciate some good old fashion oil You need oil I'm thinking we've got a ramp Hall supporter here. Oh, at the very least.

Because he makes a point about like, I give $50,000 to Greenpeace a year. Oh, I see. While he's doing the golfing. But wasn't that some sort of like he was tying it back into some sort of joke? Like, I give them all this money. So I deserve to do this. But that's like exactly what they're like, we care about the environment, but we also hate you, fuckers. Yeah, you, you liberal hippies.

It's just such a fucking lame joke. even by 1998, it's just like Greenpeace jokes. And it's also a way to make me hate this character who's going to carry the whole movie. I'm like, all right. Even if it's like someone you disagree with on whatever platform,

you're just fucking hitting them with golf balls. What a fucking asshole. And if this wasn't going to do it, the next scene fucking puts the stake right in. So his daughter is Lev Schreiber, no. I wish. Hi, dad. hi dad

live Tyler oh I'm sorry hi Harry the best actress best actor is live Tyler no I think you mean Lev Shriver

the guy won that Emmy that's Mr. Shriver's Emmy when the fuck did live Tyler win an Emmy no nobody won anything oh I see did he win for he might have won some for Ray Donovan

maybe movie the show sucks but whatever so yeah it's something about like he's got to find ben affleck it's all about where's a j they are saying a j all through this movie it's late 90s you got to have an a jay in up and down with the a jay but did everybody catch his last night a j frost really are you kidding me that is the most the most pathetic thing i've seen in the history of cinema is when he gets fired from bruce willis's rig and starts his own stupid baby rig And he has a big, stupid sign that says A.J. Frost, president. Oh, absolutely. We should talk about that. You're not president, Frost. That movie is just about as dull as it gets.

But A.J. Frost had to be a backstreet boy, right? Yeah. There wasn't A.J. There wasn't A.J. in there. But Frost sounds right, too. That would have worked, especially what with all the frosted tips in that. Exactly. Speaking of frosted tips. Oh, Ben Affleck's got frosted tips? No, Bruce Willis's stupid blonde hair. Jesus Christ, this is bad. This is like jackal level terrible with the Bruce Willis hair.

I think he was thinking like, well, you know, my guy's out there in the ocean doing the, like he's tanned and sun bleach from all the hard work outside. It's a military thing, I think. Okay. Because if it's very specific hair. Fairmacht. Well, no, it's space military in that fifth element, he's got that blood. blonde hair in there. That makes sense. Oh, that's right. So that's three movies so far we have right now with Bruce Willis having blonde hair. Thelman, it works the best. Well, of course.

Because he's in space. Yes, exactly. Well, he's in space in this movie. He's in all kinds of space ketchup in that movie. I mean, this is fucking science fiction. They just don't like do any fantastical things with it. Now I'm thinking like it's Bruce Willis. He's got a row of like mannequin heads and different wigs on them. And he's like, so what's this next movie? Am I going to space? Bring me the blonde one. Get me Lucille So he's farting around on this thing He's looking for AJ

He goes into AJ's bedroom And whoops He's fucking his daughter Played by Liv Tyler And we bring out the I'm just firing a shotgun Wildly on a fucking functioning oil rig Way you get arrested

And nobody's got a problem with it It's just international waters Chris Oh I guess that's true well it's also like paternalistic horse shit that we all just love so much in this movie it's like it's my little girl even though she's 31 years old like you know what I mean like let's die that's just what I needed a roided out fucking Al Bundy I'm gonna tuck you in tonight I'm gonna tell you're 31 years old I'm tucking you in hey that's that's the creepiest thing about that scene is he's he's like oh he like Bruce Willis comes into the room and he like

picks up a bra and he's like, I know this bra. Oh, yeah, he does know her bra. He's like, I know this bra very well. Oh, no. I thought, well, I read that whole thing as like he knows of only one woman who's on this oil rig. Who else would have a bra? Gotcha. But he also acts surprised when he finds out it is her.

Like his response is like, grace. He has all the information in front of him. Yeah. But he doesn't want to admit to it. It's his little girl, man. His little daughter. little baby girl. It's sweet.

A little baby on an oil rig. There is a scene later in this movie where all the guys from the oil rig team gather around in a semi circle to tell Bruce Willis two things. One, they all collectively raised this woman. And two, they all want to fuck her brains out. And it's the most uncomfortable.

Like Steve Bouchemmy's like, yeah, we all raised her. And she's hot. And you're just like, what are you doing? I think, and I think Bruce Willis wants in too, if you'll remember that other scene where he's like peeping on Ben Affleck fucking like sensually kissing her back

taking her bra strap off and here's the thing I don't go in for any of the paternalistic horseship but I don't need to see anyone kiss anybody's shoulder that would no drive me to rage I don't care who it is just like no no no a sensual shoulder kiss that sets you off. He's just knobbing on it

though man. Steve it's called for play and Bruce Willis is mesmerized by it. It's disgusting. I can't look away. You know what? Right now I don't want to miss a thing. Oh, man. Dude, the aerosmith in this movie.

Here's what you will forget. It's not just that rock ballad. It's like fucking five aerosmith songs, including that wretched fucking Beatles cover that they did. Oh, the come together cover? Oh, my, the Lord. Well, then there's the one in the strip club where he's like, Piss on a saint. Oh, yeah.

And I was like, wow. Yeah, it's like piss on a saint and love the devil. Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is going on? Erosmith. I'm sorry, they are one of the worst bands of all time. Oh, of course. I just can't. I think that song was doing a thing where it's like, if you're good, like,

ooh, the devil's mad at you. And if you're bad, oh, then you've got a saint. So just do what you want, people. You urinate on a saint. Your urinate on a saint. So the crew on his oil crew is, it's him. his number two is Will Patton who's in this movie for no reason

he's smiling politely that's his only job in this chick chick number three is Daniel Plainview there's an ocean under that asteroid actually my favorite part of the movie

is when the guy that's pretending to be Bruce Willis's brother takes his shoes he gets even madder than when AJ was fucking his daughter he beats him over the head to death he's firing a shotgun at him.

We'll go through the cast at this point. We'll pat. Michael Clark Duncan is in this movie. RIP. Owen Wilson's in this movie. The aforementioned Steve Bouchemey. Yep. He was done in like Owen Wilson was done in like two days. Wow. It was on stereo for that.

So I can, I can just be an arm again and then I could just go shoot Rushmore. Hey, wow. Oh no, my scenes got deleted. Wow. Can I bring my cowboy hat? Is it okay if I play Edward Applebee in this movie. It's my character from Rushmore. He's kind of an aloof, you know, academic type.

See, that way, it could be a sequel to Rushmore. Oh, wow. Hey, I'm going to write my wife, Sheila's Jacques Cousteau. I'm drilling oil rigs on the ocean, babe. That fat guy who's in a bunch of stuff. Yeah. He plays the character of Max. He was in Herman's head

is the thing that I remember the most because I'm 141 years old. I think you're the only person on the planet that I actually ever watched that show. Yeah, no, I don't know what that is. I know what Herman's Hermit's Hermits. Hermann's hermits. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, no, he's just a big fact guy. You've seen him in a bunch of stuff. He is a, he's a Santa Claus in Home Alone. That's exactly. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you. I think his other, his other, like, bigger, like, 90s thing was I believe he's got like a beefier

than others' role in Down Periscope? Well, he have to be beefier than anyone else. Nobody has as much beef as Kelsey Grammer, though. Willis is firing wildly at Ben Affleck. He stops him.

He fires him. And then here comes the U.S. military. Like, Mr. Stamper, you have to come with him. I will, but I got to bring my daughter along because I can't trust her with anybody. Yeah, the fucking hordes of horny dudes on this oil rig are all going to take their turn. Well, can we get at the Steve Bouchemy for a second?

That is the fucking position that he's taking. Can we get at the Steve Bershry for a second? Because he makes more than one, and I mean multiple jokes. Oh, man. Or references to how old are you? Or I didn't know she was that old. Or there was this one time. Why don't I own this?

Yes. Why don't I own this? Well, that's like when he sees the government dudes show up, he goes to Bruce Willis and he's like, hey, I swear, she never told me how old she was. It's like, what? you know what one joke is way a lot a lot means like what is this guy up to well i'mdb tribune tribut trivia that um stevee busemi apparently took this role because none of that shit was in there and he didn't want to be typecast as a low life all those parts he was playing like

he didn't want to be fargo forever and then michael bay added all that shit it's a john water's character really he's a disgusting disgusting like rat of a human being whose name is rock hound by the way which they say they call him rock hound why because he's horny

all my friends just know me as the horny guy invited you a barbecue you got the cool guy the fat guy the guy who knows all the basketball trivia and the horn dog this is my group of friends who constantly refers to my 22-year-old daughter as a haunt.

Just being famously horny. That's embarrassing. Because it's not the same as like famously getting a lot of tail. Yes, that's a very different animal. You're just famous for being horny all the time? Embarrassing, Rockound. Embarrassing. That is weird.

I mean, because he's talking about it all the time, I guess is the difference. And it's all he does. Like, whenever we, like, cut to another scene, he's, like, trying to get a stripper to, like, have sex with him. or he's trying to like get in New Orleans he's trying to pick up a lady by like telling her not to get married or she had been she just got married and he's like hitting on the bride

kind of yeah yeah yeah it's all it's all fucking great so Willis gets meets Billy Bob Thornton he tells him the movie which we already know and we are told this movie at least like five times before the movie itself actually starts and he's like well all right I will go and he's like all right they're like we want and this kind of makes sense

we're going to ask you to go up with this team of... Oh, no, to train this team of astronauts to use this oil drill that we procured and drill in. So you know the best about drilling. Train them how to drill. And he's like, that's so stupid. It's like, no, it's not.

He also, he gets on this fucking high horse about... He's like, oh, I recognize that drill design because I fucking made it. Looks like you government peckerheads took a trip to the patent office that's right me harry stamper super genius built the best drill in the world because that's what you have to remember about this movie

is you are being reminded every like i don't know five to six minutes that he is the absolute best at everything he's the coolest he's the richest he's the smartest an oil tycoon will save the world that's what this is this is say it's so fucking insane It's so insane.

I think Elon Musk watched Armageddon before he was building that submarine. He's like, oh, yeah, they're not going to save those Thai boys. I'm rich. I'll figure it out. Oh, yeah, dude, Musk to the rescue. He watches Armageddon jerks off. He's like, look, you just put a little fucking spitting elbow grease into any idea you can make it happen. This movie's about blue collar people saving the world.

Which is what an oil tycoon and Elon Musk are. Because why would people who actually, like, professionally save rescuers and the Thai Navy SEALs or whatever, why would they do it? No. You know, it's sort of like, ask, why would astronauts do this? No, no, only the genius. The geniuses that know the technology, people. That's who has to do it. Did you see that other thing on the Tribune trivia?

Apparently, Ben Affleck asked the same question of Michael Bay, and Michael Bay just responded with, shut up. It's in the commentary. Ben Affleck did a commentary track for this movie and there's clips of it on YouTube and it's hilarious. It's amazing. He's wasted. I don't know if it's... Whoa, not my Ben Affleck. I don't know if it's the booze or the water.

It's the booze. But it's something. He is high on a horse. And it's this scene. It's this exact scene. We're like, okay, so we just found out about this thing. We've got 18 days. Yeah. They say they've got this team. They've been drill training for eight

months. And he's like, oh wow. eight whole months is that all you did no you got you don't know what drilling is okay you don't know what drilling is you also know what drilling in spaces you don't know what space is bruce willis that's it's just like who knows what that fucking rock is made out of yeah that's a great call you're it's fucking space stuff who the hell knows we never seen it before we never actually went up there i mean that's the whole i mean that's the whole ben appa goes over that whole that that was his big problem with the scene is that he's like you trained drill drillers to go into space and not space people to drill, which is relatively

simple. So another thing that makes this movie so much longer than it needs to be is and this is like a fundamental problem I think with like the structure of the screenplay is like we have all the guys and they're all in the rig and like Bruce

Willis gets called by the government this assignment and whatnot. And then we have like 15 to 20 minutes of getting the band back together when the band was already fucking And also, like, how, we have 18 days. We're told it's the fucking, like Eric said, it's the ring girl.

We get 18 days. And we have to figure, but like, by the time we cut back, everyone is like, oh, you know, when they got off this rig, they scatter. And like Chris said, Ben Affleck formed a company. He's got a sign already. He's doing things. That's insane. Makes no sense.

Or maybe he's double dipping. Ben Affleck had this company already. Oh, fuck. He's stealing suppliers from working. Oh, yeah. Because he had to order that sign, that fucking brilliant sign. AJ, not only did you take my daughter, but this, I'm pretty sure this is my stapler. Wouldn't that be fucking hilariously pathetic, though, if he just painted a sign that said he was like the president of a company and put it outside his house?

I wouldn't put it past him. It looks like a lemonade stand sign. It does. It totally does. It's just like a cute little kids lemonade stand. Bugs Bunny fucking painted that sign in two seconds. By the way, to double down on the horror angle, because I think it's there in this, because the whole. 18 days, clock is creepy.

And then when they do assemble this crew of rough necks. We're called them roughnecks. One of the doctors giving them physicals and whatnot, Udo Kier. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Udo Kier giving you a good look seat.

Dude, imagine getting a fucking psychological evaluation by a vampire. Yeah, those cold hands touching your balls when you cough, come on. They're also, when Udo Kier is interviewing them, they're in a room

that if you tripped, you would die. I don't know what this room. room is, I don't know whom. Like, Billy Bob Thornton's like, yeah, send him in a spark room, see what happens. I think that's for like acoustic purposes. Oh, we record podcasts in there and we do psychologically evaluate. It is,

the psychological evaluation is actually a podcast. It's weird, though, because like none of it winds up mattering anyway. Because, like, this one doctor is like, these fucking animals should not go into space at all. And Billy Bob Thornton's like, yeah, but are they going to die or what? And the guy's like, well, no. And he's like, well, good enough for me. So then why test them?

You have 18 days. Because of the banter. Like what you were saying with the podcast stuff. That's the, that's the plot. It's like, yeah, why don't we shoot a podcast at that asteroid? It's a bunch of guys that chit-chat and they're having fun. Why don't we put that into the center of that rock and see what happened? I think it's more, they want to avoid the reality.

And the reality is they would dope these people up and be like, yeah, get in the fucking spaceship. Here's the nuke inside. Oh, dude, you fucking get you go to sleep, you wake up, you're in outer space. but that's what they should do honestly though you have 18 days a tell the international community because you know what maybe jason is the smartest guy in NASA but there might be a guy in china that's like

I have an even better idea and a guy in Australia is like I have an even better idea that's the thing with deep or a woman if a woman were allowed to be in this movie not in 1998 the one thing deep impact I think did well was that it was an international problem like this is the world you're telling me there's no other space program at any But who owns the world, Chris?

Oh, America, I'm sorry. That's right. There is funny that when the president is giving the speech about what Armageddon is. Yeah. When he, they do like occasionally, they will go in like somebody from Japan speaks. But like it's all overridden by the American president, even though you're showing like India and Pakistan. What Armageddon is? I'm going to need to know the definition of it is.

My horrible Bill Clinton. Speaking of that presidential address, though, this was something my wife and I were noticing watching it. Like Chris said, like everywhere around the world, people are getting this address. Did you guys notice it's all from the radio? There's not a single television broadcast in this movie. Every time we cut to America, it's a WPA ad. I don't understand. Like, it's a fucking, it's the great, it's the Dust Bowl.

That's, like, the end of the movie when everybody's, like, celebrating the victory and whatnot, and they're showing kids, like, running out with American flags and probably some. fucking fireworks and whatever else. It looks like the fucking, like, earlier scenes and tree of life. It's just like kids in the early 60s. I was like, what is going on? They should have said it back then, like in the 30s.

And, you know, and the Armageddon happens when Jimmy Stewart pulls that moon down. Oh, fuck. I knew this was a bad idea. I was just trying to impress a girl. Mary? Mary, it caused Armageddon for you? So we do have a training montage.

Yeah, the training montage is useless. Ellen Clegghorn's in this movie, by the way. Congratulations. Yeah, Blinkin, you miss it. Is she the one who's going to drill Will Patton's ass? Yes. Okay. Yeah, she pulls out this huge dildo. I was like, now we're talking.

Fucking finally, Will Patton's going to get pegged in this movie. A little action in this Armageddon. I mean, it's a Michael Bay movie. You need a little homophobia. You're like, I mean, you want to pause it? It's the part when Will Patton gets pegged. It's your favorite part. You don't want to miss it.

Well, they should have called this one deep impact. Oh, yeesh. Yeah. It gets deep in his ass. It's Jason Isaacs. It's like, all right, listen, understand this. If you put a, you put a, you put a firework on someone's butt. It hurts, right?

You put a firework up someone's butt. Someone's going to be opening of ketchup bottles for the rest of your life. We call it the jackass theory. So, so we have an 18, it's a training montage that takes up a lot of time. we learn how to do stuff they go inside this NASA engineered space crawling fucking drill and they tear it apart

they're like this is wrong what idiot did this and I'm like because of space like you don't know anything about anything you're talking about yep no it's ridiculous that they're allowed to just fiddle with this thing you get a fucking engineer from Ford

to look at a fucking space car he's totally wrong you know what I mean like he's like oh hey how does this car no no no you're totally wrong because of space. No, but that's what this movie is doing, though. It's these guys are all like satellite operatives of Bruce Willis,

the smartest and best man in the world. So they're all immediately, I would say. Oh, no, yeah. In the history of mankind, the best. It's fucking Harry Stanford, then Lincoln. I also love when they extort the U.S. government for money to save the world, the world that they actually live in. They're like, oh, yeah, we'll save your world.

By the way, here's what we want. I don't have a problem with that. But I don't, but it's just kind of a weird move. But also, it's not like, we all want a billion dollars. Yeah. That would be fine. Like $10 billion to save the world. You can fucking afford that.

I don't know. It'd be happier with the $10 billion. But it's weird that, like, Owen Wilson's got a lot of parking tickets that he wants to erase. Yeah. Then nobody wants to pay taxes again ever, which I believe I watched this in theaters. And somebody cheered with that line.

Of course. Of course, dude. Because it's this fucking like, uh, uh, uh, totally lost my train of thought. Well,

it's baby shit. I mean, it's baby shit logic. I'm sorry. Like like, uh, because of course the fucking government would be like, oh yeah,

get whatever you. Like, really, whatever they want. No taxes, that's low on the list of things they're going to give away to these idiots who are going to go sacrifice themselves to this goddamn asteroid monster. There's kind of a great gag, though, where Michael Clark Duncan wants to camp out the Lincoln bedroom for a summer. Yeah. But it's also...

That's a sequel I want, by the way. Of course. Bill Clinton right before Bill leaves office. It's called a bear in the White House because his carriage is bare. It's right there. It's all just... Hey, bear, you want to go on your motorcycle again? I love that bear, man.

I found a dress in here. It'll be a good other side to Abel Ferreira's movie about Steve Bouchemmy after this movie. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So, like, all this shit happens, by the way. And, like, they're all burnt out.

They're yelling at each other. This takes an hour. They're yelling at each other. And Bruce Willis has the balls to go up to Billy Bob Thornt. He's like, hey, egghead. He's like, could you stop calling me that? He's like, hey, egghead, listen, these guys need a night off. I don't care what's going to happen.

They need a night off to blow off some steam because they're not going to know, they're not going to remember why they're doing this at all. Like, hey, they're doing this for the fate of the world. You're not going to forget that. Wouldn't you want to spend the last night with your wife and children? None of these guys have that, though. But wouldn't you?

We don't see Will Fickner going home to his two tots. The only one that has kids besides Bruce Willis, right, is Will Patton. He's got an estranged family. Right. He's got a little child and some sort of ex-lady friend played by Judith Fogg from Teenage Mutiny's Mutiny's Turtles. Quite the thriving gambling addiction, too. But I just feel like whatever is going on with Will Patton was scary.

Because she's like, you can't come around here. It confuses him. And he's like, yeah, I know. I know what the court said. Well, that's the other part. She's like, you know what the court said about you coming here. So it's not just like we got divorced. Yeah, it's like, you are like legally barred from being on this front lawn right now.

Exactly. It's scary shit. But it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter because the law ain't going to exist anymore in a few days. I could do whatever I want to these families. What are you going to do, not send me to space? I know how to do the Drilly Drill. So I could kill my family and no one can stop.

Oh, my God. If Will Pat kills his family comes the next day covered in bloods, well, I know how to drill? Yeah. I mean, why not? Just having a space will probably die. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you'd get a free pass. And Steve Bucemi's trying to get a free pass,

but going to this loan shark and getting a bunch of money, $100,000. Which, I mean, I guess no one knows that the world is about to end. No, that's the thing. They don't tell anyone. This is kind of my favorite part of this movie

is the fucking American arrogance at work. Once again, they're like, we're not going to tell anybody dittily dick. We're going to, like, get this whole project done, like, under wrap. The press won't know about it. The people aren't going to know about it. I'm sure people are still asking questions

about how New York City was fucking decimated a few weeks back. Well, you know what? We just say Al-Qaeda and then we'll take care of the real problem. Something in outer space. We won't tell anyone about, right? False flag to me. Exactly. I bet the U.S. government alone,

because the best, probably took out tons of asteroids that no one knows about. And it's not like Japan or China or France's like space programs. would be looking at the sky too maybe Exactly. It's not like that was going to be happening Oh wow The American ingenuity Yeah because NASA is so smart

You know what they did Chris They put a bunch of mirrors up there So they can't look at it They only see other parts of space This is actually that very same night Everyone's like blown off steam We get the very famous Animal Cracker scene

Between Van Affleck and Liv Shriver This fucking Levi's jeans 1998 horses shit Did you say Schreiber again? Her name is Liv Tyler. I don't know. This weird fucking world where Steve wants to see Leav Schreiber get a fucking animal cracker shoved down his pants. Sign me up.

Hey, Ben Affleck. Have you ever, do you think anybody's doing this like we're doing this right now? And it's funny because my wife and I both agreed when we first saw this movie. It was like, wow. That's love. Oh, yeah, man. And I was like, wow, I'm kind of like Steve Bouchemy levels horny. I was just getting hungry.

It led to that animal cracker conalingis outbreak in the late 90s. That's right. That's the crumb epidemics. Yeah, the eight people died. It was sad. I remember that episode of Frasier. Oh, Niles, this is the worst idea of you've had yet. And why am I here?

Maris didn't like it. So there were camels where? die oh that maris she didn't like much there's also a debate in here between the definitions of a cracker and a cookie because that's the Levi's jeans horse shit like it's just like that like wait what the shoot we're shooting this shoot

it's a commercial you do it a Seinfeld thing no that is it's a Seinfeldian like why are animal crackers not called animal cookies right because they're sweet it's sweet which is a cookie I'm like what are you fucking doing material on her full

They attract bees. What a giant live, Tyler. I mean, it goes on for so long and it's so stupid. I was waiting for the Zodiac to come over the air. Oh, that would be awesome. Dude, that'd be a great twist in this thing, right? We're down one driller because the Zodiac shot him in the fucking head. Zodiac's back, baby.

Why do they go to San Francisco? Bruce Willis, you had anywhere else to say. You don't go. That's Zodiac country. And this scene, too, it's fucking garbage because this is where this heinous aerosmith Don't want to miss it. A fang is introduced. And when they keep cutting, it's like the same shot. It's like a very like wide shot. You got like the, there's a truck. It's his truck. And there's a big tree. And then two of them like laying on the ground. And it's just, it's like cut.

Don't want to miss a th. It's like such bad fucking sound editing right here. Am I the only one that's a little weirded out by like. Like the fact that Stephen Tyler, this very, one of their most famous songs is being played almost exclusively when his daughter is about to get nailed in the movie. Of course not. That was the videos of the 90s. Yes, that's the track record. The fucking video of her and Alicia Silverstone, whatever that song is. Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is a trend. Oh, of course it is. He's got a history. Stephen Tyler stars in My Sexy Daughter. Oh, man. My Lord. that video where the two of them are like me and Stephen Tyler

actually have a lot of common they're like you know criminals on the road kind of a thing we're going to have an aerosmith concert for the inauguration in 2020 and exciting news I'm going to bang my daughter

and Stephen Tyler will be banging his it's going to replace the fireworks we call it the cum works I mean we're going to be loaded up on Viagra, of course. You know, I really, what I wrote down, I'll be honest,

I wrote down the joke about Animal Cracker Cuddlingus, and I'm like, that's the dirtiest one of the episode. I just bet myself in the head. Well, we're going to replace that with very, very well-done steaks. Oh, jeez.

Just thinly cut hockey pucks, me slurping them. A thinly cut hockey puck. I like them well, over well, well, Quispy. So they get a night... More black than gray in the middle.

They get a night off. And Shanghai is decimated. 50,000 people die. Dead. Which is awesome, because what precedes this very quickly is a line where somebody's like, oh, fuck, another piece is coming down. We should tell somebody. To which some

fucking... It's Bill of Bob Thornton. Is it? He replies like, what are we going to do? Tell all of Southeast Asia? I was like, maybe... You're in the... better. You're the U.S. government. Why don't you make, I don't know, 10 phone calls? Just pick up the fucking phone.

Maybe one person gets out. Just try. Or, you know, it's a fucking round robin, man. You make one phone call. Tell that person to call to other people. They call to other countries and so on and so forth. I mean, we're all imagining that fucking war hasn't broken out as soon as these things hit. Well, it happens.

And then the president's like, well, I guess I'll tell you what's going on. And that's the American-Arygans. The American fucking arrogance, dude, we get caught with our pants down hiding a fucking global killer. Don't worry, we have Space Force. The sequel to this movie is the president gets tried, like, in international court. And it's like hung. Like, he gets hung. That would be awesome.

That would be fucking awesome. Because you could pin all those 50,000 debts on him, eh? For starters. And then Paris happens later. That's actually considering recent history, that's a low number for a U.S. president. I imagine him going out more like, what was it, the Russian, the crooked ambassador or something who shot the poison recently. Yeah, I think it was Yugoslavia or somewhere down there.

Yugoslavia, really? It was a country. But he's talking about a thing that just happened like months or so. I'm talking about one of those in the Balkans. Is that okay? I'm just saying it's definitely not Yugoslavia. I'm just saying it should be. Because Tito, right, everyone?

Tito forever. Yeah, that guy that, like, he took the shot of the poison fucking killed himself. The translation headset still on, that dude went out with a bang. The American president on TV, like, I'm going to take this poison. And later, dudes. Later dudes. So he, uh, we, it's an hour in 10 in, uh, we go to space. Fucking 70 minutes, the audacity of this movie.

Yeah, and we kind of mentioned William Fickner as like the captain of, there's, so there's two spaceships. The idea is. There's going to be two different teams. One team is Bruce Willis, Will Patton, the fat dude Max, and Steve Buscemi. Yep. And the other team is Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, Michael Duncan, and the bunch of a nobody's. The Spanish dude. That's one line.

Like if I'm, if I'm that Spanish guy, I'm like, can I be on Bruce Willis's spaceship, please? Well, there's that dude Gruber. Oh, right. Yeah, Gruber's very cool. Gruber who lasts way longer than he has any business lasting in this movie. So the idea is they have to go up. And for some reason, we have to go and refuel on Mir, the space station, Mir and the Russian Space Station.

Yeah, which we're like deliberately doing a bunch of hoop jumps to not say Mir. Oh, we don't say Mir. Yeah, we're not using the International Space Station. They just keep saying like, you're going to go to the Russian Space Station, where you will meet a Russian astronaut. A comic relief Yeah Why on earth

Like why did they get trained at all Like just you Why on earth We're not on earth anymore Oh we're in Spain Yeah Good good catch You're welcome everyone

But like someone was fuming The whole thing is like It's you leave it everything To the last minute The ideas are gonna get Just in time to make this happen Like do Leave even two days earlier

It would be a huge Huge huge event We are waiting like and by the they get a night off Andrew they went to a fucking strip club I can't even stand it arrested they have like a line where it's like

if we pass this line a zero barrier my friend you know and they haven't ignited the bomb yet it's not going to miss the earth the way we wanted to and like this movie gets that shit off with like a pub's length

to go yes if you didn't have that day off if you weren't busy fucking around finding all of these guys again or in a swimming pool for a long time and for all the work they've done on these machines they're fucking up every

which way you go every fucking moment because these rough necks got in there and rooted around like fucking Chippendale just pulling shit out chewing on shit that's true and nobody knows how any of that shit works it's like a fucking

Peewee Herman had a better chance of fixing this equipment and Max is the fat mouse friend of their Monterey Jack It's a lot of better movies right in that in that little We used to go to college

with a dude who reminded me of a human version of Monterey Jack Oh wow nice It was kind of great You smell like cheese Uh maybe

So we get to the space station And they have to refuel And Ben Affleck is put in charge Of refueling This is when I started to formulate the theory That right before the events of this movie Ben Affleck was supposed to get on a plane that was going to explode, and then he narrowly escaped it.

He had a bad dream because he is fucking final destination. The Reaper is after Ben Affleck throughout this entire movie. There's eight instances of like the Reaper, Tony Todd the Reaper gunning for Ben Affleck. Dude, I think Tony Todd the Reaper in space. That's what fucking Dormammu is. Dormammu, I came to bargain for Ben Affleck's life. So this is number one. So he's the Devonsawa.

Yes, he is. So, Steve, you're going to go through this list. After every one, Dr. Strange uses the time stone and turns it back. Oh, right. So I'll go through him right now. So one is A, that asteroid is coming to Earth for, that's number one. Right. That would kill Ben Affleck.

It would definitely get him, among others. There's fuel station disaster that's coming up. Then his spaceship crashes, leaving only him narrowly alive. Then the asteroid explosion, then when he has to, he has to, drive to the rest of the crew and his spaceship like goes into space for a while. They do the jump. He do the jump. He almost dies there. The asteroid explosion

where he's on a string and Bruce Willis is holding on to him. That's another one that's near death. Then he draws the short straw at the end of the movie. Like it's all there. Tony Todd is there. Tony Todd wants his pay me my price. The candy man had a

hand in this dude. I've been saying it for years. It fits nicely into a little theory I was having here with this movie or maybe It's not a theory, really. It's just a wish. I really wish the asteroid talked. It might as. They do their darndest to make it a villain, though, man.

I really want it to talk. It's like hissing and popping and growling at them. It's a monster. That's what it is. It's just a monster. It's not a piece of fucking space rock going through the heavens. It's a fucking monster with like green and purple. It's Michael Bay.

You should have got either Hugo Weaving or the guy who does Optimus Prime. No, I'm saying Tony Todd. Oh, even better. Yeah, get Tony Todd. He's the one, I mean, maybe the asteroid is death itself. Space Candy Man. Actually, that's a fucking great twist cabin. It's like, it's very like Twilight Zoney.

Like, they think they blow it up or whatever, and then it like reassembles. Oh, nice. I am death destroyer of worlds. Well, that sounds like that would fit into the Transformers a little bit. Probably. We could combine, you know what, every single Michael Bay movie should take place in a cinematic universe. If Transformers existed in this world, the Armageddon problem wouldn't be a problem. You'd just be like, I'll be right back.

I have to go get that space rock. What's that, Bruce Willis? You know more about what than me? I'm a fucking car. You know more about manual transmission than I? Hold on. You built the damn thing wrong, Optimus. Ditch Digger, sit down.

No, I'll take care of it. Ditch Digger is very upset that you think you know more about drilling than he does, and he's a drill. Stanley Goodspeed here. I got to get in that car and drive it to the moon. I was in the rock. I'm Nicholas Cage. Also in the Criterion Collection.

Yeah. Oh, dude, how about a Criterion Collection expanded universe? The entire Cartiering collection, all is in one universe. By the way. So the rock and daisies. Exactly. Spine number 1018 for the rock. I own that one,

so I just had to turn around. It makes perfect sense because, you know, that's why that the thief and breathless gets killed because the asteroids coming. It doesn't matter, actually. She's like, oh, good. That's right. And then, like, you know, he's looking down.

Jean-Pelle Balmando's looking up. Rather, you know, and he sees the asteroid coming and he's like, I want to peer. You make me want to puke. The night before, fucking Peter Lorrie and M. And Steve Buscemi and Armageddon are tag team. Yeah. Oh, you better believe it.

They're getting up to all sorts of weird shit. Whistling the whole time. And, yeah, there's a lot of things that could have. But all the days that confused kids are getting messed up. Absolutely. Well, AJ, that's AJ in high school. That's true. Oh, fuck, I'm totally right.

Oh, wow. Yeah, Rushmore is a criterion as well. cut out of that movie, remember? Wow. That's why I'm Edward Appleby in this. And Godzilla was a criterion as well. I'm looking at it. Oh, that's right.

Oh, the original. Oh, gotcha. So he's black. Eric almost had a heart attack. I almost did. We're throwing Roland Emmerich into these things. So this. One E-12 special edition.

It's one of the many, like, we come with so many problems. They go to the gas. station they pick up Lev now they go to the gas station Liv Tyler but that's not even

correct. Lev is the character's name Wait, Peter Stormair Oh Stormair's Yes, Lev Andropov So I like that By the way, Steve Mishmi was like You know, I want to get away

for being You know like my Fargo character Scummy guys And I'm sick and tired to be in movies with Peter Stormer And like Michael Bayes like Yeah totally You play a hero geologist

That doesn't talk to Peter Stormer at all It's kind of nice they have like one little moment where they interact with each other and it's kind of funny because it's when Steve Buscemi were told by William Fickner is suffering from quote

Space Dementia. Sure. Do it that way, which you will. And so they duct tape them to a chair and Stormair like rips the tape off his mouth like really quickly. It's their only interaction in the movie. I'm fine with it. So this, this, we got to talk about this explosion.

It's just who cares. It's the, like, it doesn't need to be in the movie. I can't, well, yeah, also two and a half hours. I can't figure out, I was watching it last night and I was really hesitant to rewind because it's so fucking long, but like, is Ben Afflex like fiddling down there the reason why this explosion happens? No, it's because it's shoddy Russian bullshit. Yes, that's the key.

He, like, Stormair is running around like, I told you not to touch a thing. Whoa, whoa, we were. My wife. Yeah. My space wife. You and your friends are dead. So they get in, again, like the Reaper wants fucking Ben Affleck. He's like, give me the boy.

Tony Todd's just fucking drooling in the background. And Ben Affleck gets on the one, the doomed spaceship. Because then the next thing that happens is both of these spaceships have to slingshot around the moon. Well, wait, hang up, the space station explodes. Yes. There is nothing left there. They're there for 10 minutes, and it's destroyed. And they pull away with tops two seconds left.

They would be going right up. Dude, these two spacecrafts that they have appear to be just your regular old NASA spacecraft. But these things have fucking Star Trek technology in them. They're whizzing and whirring all over the place. Wonder Woman loaned them out. It's just wild. They're like maneuvering in ways I didn't think like contemporary space. ships could maneuver. I just feel like Jason and Isaac's like, oh, wait, the, the space station

exploded well, oh, my whole plan's ruined. Like, you know what I mean? Because this plan is so specific that anything that goes wrong should just sink it. And this was, they were just filling up for gas. Yes. That's all it was. And they got 90%. They got most of it. Yeah. How did they get 90%? They're not even there for 10 minutes. They're still plugging in fucking pipe. It doesn't matter but to get Peter Stormer on the fucking flight. Is this where they go through the vents too? Yes.

They feel like to do a little bit hard thing. It's the first time. It's kind of fucking great because they close the door on Ben Affleck and Peter Stormere and it's like, well, nice knowing you, AJ. And it's like, and Tony Todd's like, excellent. My work here is done.

Dermamu, I'm turning that one back. When we close the door on Ben Affleck, the asteroids started to break up. That's all we needed to do. That was the bargain, yes. And because it's fucking Russia, of course the space station looks like something out of Brazil. Yeah, no, it's total garbage.

It's in the criterion. There you go. Oh, yeah, that's totally right. I got that up there somewhere. Just looking for those spine numbers. Russia is controlled by the people from Brazil. Yeah, in that movie, the Terry Gillian movie. Oh, I thought you meant it's controlled by the boys from Brazil.

Is that criterion, too? Could be. It's not. I think I'm seeing spine number 38. Oh, very nice. Very nice. A lot of spines. The spines represent the dead, right?

Oh, sorry, 51. Yes, the spines of the dead. So we blast out of there. We blast out of there. And then they have to, like, slingshot around the moon. And as they're doing so, they travel through time like a cling on warbird. And. Captain.

No, they wind up crashing one of the Ben Affleck spaceship again, Tony Todd hits it and crashes it onto the asteroid, killing the entire crew. And this is a great, this is great. I was cheering and woo-hooing and dancing all over the place. Both of the guys who are flying the spaceship get murdered so viciously. These quote-unquote stupid astronauts. Like one guy gets impaled and the other guy gets sucked out. They both get sucked out. Oh, right.

One of whom hits the windshield of the other fucking spaceship. Are you serious? These dudes are dead. That's what Max is like, dude, I need a new fucking pair of pants because I just shit my pants. Oh, dude, I would be fucking shitting my rompers left and right on this mission. I guess you're wearing a space diaper, right? Is that how that works? You would have to.

The modern suits I do must, they must. They have to. I believe in like 69. or whatever. I think they were just shitting in plastic bags like you're picking up dog poop. Yes. No.

Hey, Alder, give me another plastic bag. Yeah. Eric's that, what was that? For all mankind. I was just rewatching it like a couple weeks ago, actually. And there is a part where the astronaut is explaining like, well, in order to take a

shit, you just kind of go in this little alcove here. You got a little doggy bag with you. You're shitting in public right next to your buddy. You just go around the corner a little bit. Oh, wow. And you shit into a plastic. fucking bodega bag. Yep, totally.

By the way, for all mankind, spying number 54 in the criteria. If you haven't seen it, it's a really good guy. That movie's a fucking trip, man. That's a real tall glass of water movie. It's all just awesome. They're all tall glass of water. Yeah, it's true.

It's all NASA, like, you know, official NASA footage, shit that astronauts shot all to, you guessed it, a Brian Eno's score. Look the fuck out. It's a great found footage, film. But no, this, I think,

it's got to be like there's shit in the... Well, it's got to suck it out. I want a vacuum right up my ass. Yeah, that's the move. Seriously, a little bit of like a bidet-esque type of thing too. It's like a dentist thing, you know?

Oh, wow. It has a little pipe that comes out that sprays, spurts in a little water in there, like a mist, like mist my asshole a little bit. Dude, you should be cautious of putting like a high suction vacuum thing to your asshole, man. That's how you lose part of your fucking large intestine.

Well, well, I don't know. You reverse it then, I guess. Reverse the polarity. Throw that shit back in. So those two pilots are hilariously dead. William Fichter now calls, he says, the independence is a dead stick. And everyone's like, you are our friends around that.

My fiance was on that. But who cares? Everyone's good. Live Tyler, yes. So, yeah, they land, but they land on the wrong side of the asteroid. really much harder on this side of the asteroid. That was the actually lesser-known Pink Floyd record, the wrong side of the

asteroid. I don't like Pink Floyd, but I went in for the wrong side of the asteroid, man. It sucked. I tried, you know, he played that, Roger Waters played that in the entirety in the concert. You can't sync that up to Wizard of Oz, though.

You can sick it up to Armageddon. Asteroid. Got a lot of games. By the way, yeah, find me a fucking two and a half hour movie or two and a half hour record to sync to this movie. Pink Floyd might have done it though, man. If any band could. So they land and like Steve Bouchemmy's a genius all of a sudden.

I mean, they mentioned that he has like three PhDs. Oh, he goes through like all of this shit and then he's like, but why do you think that I, you know, drill chicks and drill for oil or whatever? And he's like, because they let me blow shit. shit out. Yeah, you're like, come on. He's a super genius. Again, another super genius.

He's so much of a super genius that what like, Fickner overshoots the landing area when they finally get to the asteroid. And he knows like that it's like, oh, you landed us on an iron plate because now we're in sector 59 because I did all this fucking math in my head real fast. He's like, you overshot it by like 24 miles or something like that. 27 miles. Oh, God. It's fucking ridiculous.

Fichter's like, may I remind you, you and your friends are dead! It's just so stupid. Why is this character a genius? I would have rather him be the character he was in Connare. Oh, yeah, Garland's Green. Yeah, I just like fucking wear William Fickner's face on your face. I would sooner believe that that guy graduated Princeton. Oh, totally.

I want, that's how I want this Rockhound character to come back from the night off, just all lectered up on a fucking little cart. Like, oh, here's your astronaut back. He ate nine people last night. Okay, so here's the thing, guys. You're going to the asteroid, and way back, you pick up this ex-con, he's just getting to ride home, Nick Cage. You just drop him back on Earth.

He was at space jail with Guy Pearce. Silence of the Limes is also a criterion. So Lecter could be on that astro. Oh, fuck, that's right. Oh, my God. Dude, Hannibal Lecter in space. Take that Jason X. Take that everything, man.

that'd be amazing. That'd be better than the leprechaun. That'd be better than... Who else goes to space? Hellraiser. Yeah, the centipites are out there. Darth Vader. In an escape pod

and sent it back to Baltimore. Spine number 13, by the way. Silence of the lambs of the criteria collection. Yes. So, but A.J. survives because Tony Todd ain't worth shit. Everybody. Sorry.

I am so sorry. Sure. It's fine. I am so sorry. Just got to do it sometime. Rock your body. I'm so sorry. It's AJ, bear, and

Lev survive. Because Owen Wilson is just unceremoniously killed in this movie. Oh, ow. Wow, ow. Hey, Ben, Ben, could you help me with my helmet? It's weird, though.

This is a total... This is perfect because my character of Edward Appleby is already dead in the events of Rushmore, so it's kind of... The events of Rushmore. Everybody knows I died in Armageddon. Oh, my book,

supposes is what happens if I didn't. Oh, well done. I was about to say actually, it's like another criterion Life Aquatic. Marley and me. Where Owen Wilson gets in a

craft and crashes, dude. He's done for it. You don't put Owen Wilson in a craft. All right, so spine 300 life aquatics. Yeah, never get in a plane with Owen Wilson. Because that shit's going down. He'll survive. But the rest of you are dead. Funny story, actually, the Greenpeace vessel that

Bruce Willis was shooting the golf balls at. It was captain by Steve Seesuit. And Cabin made that Tenenbaum's jokes by number 157. We're all there. There's only one Owen Wilson scene where they're actually talking about, like, where he really, Owen Wilson's out, where they're talking about Liv Tyler and, like, you know, she's like, oh, yeah, she's going through her,

coming through her own right now. You know, all of her hormones are going crazy and blah, blabby, blah. It's very own Wilson, blah-bidi-blah. It's the only time he really gets to shine in this movie. And it was weird. I had this false memory of him lasting much longer in this movie. And when Ben Affleck's like holding him and he's like, wake up little buddy. And I was like, yeah, wake up little buddy.

And then you're just like, oh, no, that dude's dead. He does wake up little buddy a lot in this movie. Yeah, well, everybody's. Ben Affleck, like, it mourns more than anybody else in this movie. That would be a better title. Wake up Little Buddy. I, the diversity is kind of a bummer in this movie, huh? Like, it's all white dudes, one Michael Clark Duncan,

and there's a woman on the other ship, and that is it. Yeah. Because diversity in film was rented in, like, 2009, I want to say. Oh, yeah, it wasn't invented yet. Yeah, they didn't figure that out. I think diversity in film was invented with the release of Ryan Coogler's Black Panther. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Oh, man. So, yeah. But their ideas, they're going to get into the other big space tank thing and drive to the other side of the asteroid to find their friends and hopefully get off the asteroid. Yeah, both of the space stations or spacecrafts have these, like, huge little rover machines. Yes.

That I... What is the point of that? Do they hold the drills in place? It's like a big tank that has a drill on it. Okay. And it also has a chain gun. It's got a gun. We got, it's space force.

Do you think it's in case they, this could have been a serious precaution they were taking. It's like, all right. Gleap Glops, they're out there, folks. You've got this fucking chain gun dude in case a Gleep Glop is on this thing. Like, we don't know, NASA can either confirm nor deny the existence of Glep.

Sure. We're going on this crazy asteroid. They exist. They're in the bag for the Democrats. Well, that's the thing. I think that's where, I think Trump saw this on fucking air. Oh, definitely. On Air Force One, fucking shoving a Big Mac in his mouth.

Of course he did. And then this is his plan for Space Force. He's going to find Bruce Willis. Oh, yeah. Well, he's going to get Scott Pruitt. And Paul, you know, he's freed up. Please launch Scott Pruitt into space. That would be awesome.

Actually, I wouldn't support that. The next, because again, there's nothing but, it's, we're on the asteroid and it's big. He's nothing but problems, man. It's just problem after problem. The next problem is the, um, They lose contact with the U.S. government and they're behind their target because of the iron, whatever. So William Fichter's got to blow them up, man, which makes total sense. Like, that's how this has to work.

Like, you have to be selfless. The entire world is counting on this. And, you know, the science is. And you know what, dude, you wouldn't be in this position if you didn't take that day off. If you didn't take the day off, we would have more time and I wouldn't have to fucking blow you up right now. I hope the strip club is worth it. You know what? It sounds like I am hearing.

the words of a skeptic of super American hero Bruce Willis to pull it out. That's the thing of men speaking of pulling out. In the clutch. That's the thing is William Fickner is the most sensible character in this movie because he's told to

initiate what we are calling in this movie the secondary protocol. Sure. Which amazingly is William Fickner getting a handgun out of a safe on a spacecraft which is awesome. Someone's even like, you brought a gun in the space Well, Pat, in one of the three lines he has in this movie.

But nobody fucking blinks twice when Bouchemey's firing that goddamn civil war machine gun. Well, that's for the aliens. The handgun is like, really a handgun? Like Bruce Willis, but he has to tackle him off when he's doing that gun, it's like, he's like, okay, you crazy old fella. He has a total fucking John McLean fight with William Fickner right here. And then they just back off of it. And he's just like, okay, yeah, let's disable the bomb.

Because this is, I'm the best, no, you're not. No, I am the best. You better hit that mark. Exactly. For my daughters, you better hit that mark. So they stopped fighting, like, Bruce Willis has his head in a clamp. I don't know where he got this. Oh, the huge space pliers.

Yeah, the medical space clamp plier thing. I don't know what this is. It's a fucking bolt cutter. He's got a big bolt cutter. It's like a phrenology skull measurer. If there's gleepclaps, measures. their skulls and that's what it is and then there's 30 seconds left on the clock and then he's the bomb blows up and that's when they start trying to dismantle it it's so fucking dumb because

what they're basically saying here is like we're going to go around NASA's back at this point around the president's bash right we should mention that billy bob thornton does try to disable it it stops for a few seconds yes but then the military re-engaged oh did you see did you see who engages in that the tomfoolery with shutting down the countdown? Who's that? None other than Seinfeld's vegetable lasagna. Oh, yes. I recognized them from

something. Please, I was sleeping. Keith David is totally wasted in this movie. Oh, totally. And he's massive Keith David wasting. He says the R word. He does. It's a big 1999 or if you ever saw one. But Keith David is like the

representative from the government who's like he's the dude constantly on the horn with the president. He's telling Billy Bob Thornton, you know, the president is dissatisfied with whatever we're moving the secondary protocol. He's telling Billy Bob Thornton that he didn't take it up for air. Man, I would love that. A NASA sexual

harassment scene? Why not? All right, I won't blow up your friends, but I didn't take it out for air. It won't blow up your back in space, the beginning of lethal weapon three is happening. They're fucking like, oh, blue wire, red wire. I'm like,

just fucking door! We have a blue wire. red wire gag in the fucking tail end of this movie. Whatever. Oh, dude, Joe Pesci in the space? No thanks. Suck me out of the fucking airlock. So they cut the thing and they get to

drill in and the thing is like they take 20 people. However many of Bruce Wilson's crew, it's a ton of dudes, but it really seems to take two people to do. It's one guy in it. And the other guy is like your buddy who helps you move a couch who's like, no, no, dude,

you got to take it back. Go back a little Yeah, the supervisor. Yeah, go up. This is a tough corner. Tough corner. Come on. Try it on the side. On the side.

The other side. Angle it. Angle it. No, angle it. Engle it, Merkel. No, it's got to go up. Up and around. Oh, shit, Joy Jam.

Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Put it down. Put it down. Let's talk about this. Oh, your fucking neighbor's trying to come up the stairs. Hang on a second. But that's what it's one guy drilling and then the other one's like, oh, easy, Max. Well, here's the thing.

This is why there's such a great team is because there's two dudes to do the drilling, and then everybody else is really fun moral support. I guess so. It is the stuff that astronauts could never do. Michael Clark Duncan's like, absolutely. You guys got it. Yes. And I guarantee you astronauts would

have had to insist that you have like glowing skull fucking rig joints. Oh, yep. To move the sticks, I was like, what are you talking? Drinking tang and stuff, those lazy astronauts with their fucking ice cream that's fake. On that,

little list that they give Billy Bob Thornton. Oh, the demands? We have to get the shift changer from Gravedigger. You got to look, look, we want Grave Digger's like, no. But Grave Digger's a national, oh, I got to go above the president for this.

It's Grave Digger. Listen, they want Grave Digger. Grame Digger is now an enemy of the United States. He is to be stripped. Well, I'm sorry, kids. Watch Bigfoot. it's just a good truck

here's here's a lesson for parents by the way the grave digger the monster truck yes yes yes here's a lesson for parents all around stop exposing your kids to monster truck rallies sure and then eventually we can just leave all of that behind fireworks monster truck rallies leave it all behind this is we hit movies gets old no we're we're mighty old it's too it's too darn loud is what it is next is rock and roll music. That's honestly the one thing that is kind of surprising isn't in this movie is like, all right, boys, like, let's get to digging and somebody puts in a mixtape.

Exactly. It's like we can only dig to the ZZ Top mixtape or whatever it is. Like, how is that not a thing? Yeah, that's got to be in there. Or somebody puts on like headphones, like a little Walkman because he can't bring a CD player into space. I mean, it takes Ben Affleck for everybody. finally gets back, but he comes back

just in time for A. Steve Boucher to have. He's driving the other Armadillo, they call it. Oh, right. They do a sick jump. Yes, yes. They find the grand canyon of the asteroid and they drive over it

by using the thrusters. They crash into some shit. Yep. Peter Stormer has some lines of oh, what are you doing? I believe the line is Wawa Wewa my wife. I will say there's one line that I, if I ever meet JJ Abrams, who did, his credit is one of the writers of this.

One of the two, do you see what other one is? No, no, no, no. Jonathan Hensley, director of the Travolta Punisher, among other things. Very nice. Yeah, wawa, wewa to you too. But there's a line where Ben Affleck's looking at this gorge

and he's like, hey, Lev, you ever hear of Evil Knievel? And Lev says, no, I never saw Star Wars. And I want to go up to JJ Abrams, like, you wrote that joke, right? Yeah. Oh, that's a fucking JJ if I ever heard one. Absolutely. I'm not going to ask you about anything else.

That ain't no Hensley. You're not seeing that kind of clever humor in the Punisher. Come on. Yeah, no, that's the Greenpeace stuff. That's Hensley. Yes. That was the compromise they made. He's like, all right, Bruce Willis can hit golf balls at Greenpeace people.

If I get this fucking choice Star Wars joke in there. There's multiple Star Wars jokes in this movie. It's kind of crazy because actually Owen Wilson has one where he's talking to Ben Reflect during training. He's just like, you know, I mean, like I'm like Han Solo or whatever. Yeah. He's just like, what?

I know I'm more Han Solo. You're more like Chewy. Chilly, have you ever even seen Star Wars? That's right. This script is fucking rotten with Star Wars. J.J. Abrams, man. Total Abrams move. And actually, Steve Buschemy,

you get to beam me up, Scotty. That's true. I'm fucking JJ does it again. Yeah, you like Star Trek too. man somebody saw a fucking gone fishing and was like that dude should write my fucking disaster movie and taking care of business oh well of course i mean well speaking of disaster there's so much disaster in this movie it's borderline 11 also in the back archive by the way an episode on gone fishing oh right what's the spine number on that well the spine number on that is patreon

dot com slash we hate movies it's like seven or something uh so um blah blah blah they We're drilling. This is when Max dies. Oh, yeah. I think Steve Buscemi is responsible for Max's death, right? Absolutely. Of course it. Yeah, 100%.

He gets what William Fickner coined space dementia. Which is fucking the dumbest. He's like riding the nuclear weapon like... Steve said it. The red and stimpy thing. It's a red and stimpi joke. But yeah, he is doing a Dr. Strange Love, Slim Pickens.

I wanted to ride the bomb like Slim. It's weird though, because he... They don't, and I don't know if this was like, do you have to pay to like reference shit? Because he's like, yeah, I wanted to ride the bomb. Like Slim Pickens in that movie. And I was like, come on. You're saying Star Wars all over the place? No, Michael Bay was like, don't mention that movie.

You know why? No one knows what that movie is. Nobody knows what that movie is. I think I'd say because at the start of this movie, they got narration that no one knows how the earth happened. That's true. And I 100% I believe that Michael Bay thinks. Stan the Kubrick's overrated. Oh, definitely.

100%. Not enough explosions. He fucking loves full metal jacket. Oh, yeah. Well, this movie's kind of like full metal jacket.

We're in like, the first half is like, you shouldn't have a movie that's this long that's mostly a training montage and then the thing happens. Yeah, you're totally right. By the time you get to the thing,

I'm like, I'm bored. If AJ shot himself, like shot Bruce Wilson and blew his brains out, that'd be amazing. Oh, man, you know what though? Ben Affleck could not mass

that fucking Vincent DiNafrio private pile stare. That stare is amazing. It's haunting. It's one of the scariest images in cinema. I relate to it very well. Gone Fish in episode 11.

Oh, wow. Borderline. And I forget we're taking care of businesses. That's up there. Number 100, I think. Number 100, actually, he's right. So, yeah, he has space dementia. He's shooting off the gun.

They tackle him. While they're tackling him, nobody's watching Max. No one is watching. No one's like, Max, Max. You're going to hit the edge. You're going to hit the corner, buddy. Look out for the door.

door knob and he hits the doorknob and he explodes and his last light is great, he goes right in the space. I kind of love that. It's awesome and I also misremembered this too because earlier in the film Michael Clark Duncan himself has a line where they're in the training and he's

fucking around and the woman is like hey if you don't pay attention right here this is where you get knocked into space and guess what happens and he's like I float forever. That's a legitimate I get up and float away. It's just like a really, really funny line. But I read that as like a four-shadling.

We all phone space, Georgie. A force, yes. So I was like, oh, maybe, because I remembered someone had that happen to them, but I didn't know it was poor Max. No, sad story. Well, he explodes before. Yeah, so that dude's dead. And now William Fiction is like, man, I'm really glad I didn't shoot off that nuclear weapon. Yeah, can I get some tape to fucking put this blue wire back together?

They also make the point, though, that, like, if they blew it up without digging the hole, right? You know, just like the firecracker analogy. But they have to get, by the way, 800 feet. That's right. And they're only, like, 500 feet. You know, I would just split the difference at that point. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Like, just...

Well, it's a weird... I think they're at seven because there's lines here. When they get back to drilling... Because Ben Affleck shows up. Yes. And they're like, oh, we have another drill holder or whatever we can do this again. and we only have an hour until we hit this line. And then Billy Bob Thornton says to live Tyler,

like, can they drill 100 feet in an hour? And she's like, well, I guess they're going to have to. And I was like, well, don't worry about it. Because as it turns out, they're the best of the best. Well, my daddy's up there. So, of course, Daniel. Oh, daddy. My daddy, he's up there doing his stuff.

When they finally blow it up, it should just rain down on earth like a thousand meters. Oh, yes. still destroy everything. That's what I imagine would actually happen. Sure. And then because the Reaper is after Ben Affleck, when he starts drilling to get there, he gets to like 791, 792,

and he keeps going. And there's an explosion again. He gets to 800. It explodes. This is when Bruce Willis saves him. This is when, and like it's the most amazing thing to your point. Like there's this guy called Gruber.

He's got one line. He helps William Fickner disable the bomb. That's about it. and then Ben Affleck, again, with weepy eyes because he's mourning, I was like, Gruber's dead. Yeah. Oh, my God, Gruber's dead.

This actor, Grayson McCouch. And nobody gives a fuck about Max. Nobody's like, oh, man, Max. Nobody mourns for Max, but everybody's fucking pissing their pants over Gruber. Also, though, I... We have to bury him. That's what...

There's a Grubber funeral in the middle of this movie. And Billy Bob Thorne's like, press the damn button, stamper. up there on the asteroid having a gruberl. I think why. It seems like Stephen Baldwin fucking shuffled in sand over Benicio del Toro. We have to bury

him with our hands. They just throw his body in the hole and then put the nuke down. I think why Gruber is left behind those because they didn't have the guts to give one of like the known actors a really violent death.

Yeah. Because this dude Gruber oh does he get it because this dude like there's a huge explosion shit's fucking flying everywhere because like just like debris's coming at them but they say like

oh the asteroid is angry my friend yes yes and they posit something it's something about like oh the asteroid's angry like I think it knows what we're trying to do to it or something I was like

it's not the jaws shark no but this dude in the middle of it is crank yeah he fucking flies back you see all these like stalagmites hang

out and gruber just gets like impaled by five of them yeah it's pretty good great death for old grubes but in this moment something something now the bomb has to be detonated on the asteroid only it can't be done from space because like the remote thing was broken and the whatever the fuck so it's like let's all draw short straws like William fickner's like by the way I'm the only one that fly the ship so I'm gonna stay Fickner's got the easy out boy he's never happier to be a fucking astronaut pilot He's like me and this lady here

Who has two lines in the movie We're all right And so they all draw straws AJ again because Tony Todd Is after him There should be a big skeletal bird Outside of the thing Pay me my price

Give me the boy The asteroid will disappear If you just give me the boy It's like one of the skeletons is from the dark crystal. Yes, exactly. No, but AJ gets the short straw and Bruce Willis is like,

I'll, you know, I'll take AJ down, you know, I'll walk him to his car, kind of a thing. And make sure he gets home safe. And he does and he rips his spacesuit, not unlike Zod to the astronaut on Superman 2, by the way. It'd be great if this accidentally kills him.

Oh shit, I was just trying to make an excuse to do this. He's flash frozen. Yeah, absolutely. And he shoves him into the space. and this, my friends, is when I cried at Armageddon in theaters. Oh, big, fat tears rolling down my face. When Ben Affleck was

saying, I love you. Oh, yeah, man. You know, and here's what it was. It wasn't, I remember, I remember very vividly this happening. That scene, and I was seeing it, it was a weird thing where, like, some relatives were in town, and it was like, everybody's going to the movies.

It's a big fucking family outing to the movies. This only happened like once or twice in my life. Once was Armageddon, another time was Sweet Home Alabama. Nice. But so this moment's happening. I hear something like next to me. I look and I was sitting next to one of my aunts and I look and she's bawling. And seeing her start crying, I was like, and I lost it.

And then I'm looking back at what's happening and I'm fucking crying even more. I saw it with my girlfriend and I saw this in him just. A little girlfriend, a little rich boy. Oh my God. A little girlfriend. In 2009, middle school. I lit out an audible. Oh, man.

And then I look over, my girlfriend is bawling her eyes out at this. I got, I'll be honest, I got choked up last night. No, you did not. Choke up of a man. Fuck out of here.

I'll be honest. It gets me every time. I wasn't crying, but what? Really? I don't know why. I think, I think where our paths diverged here was, by this point for me, you grew up.

No, not by a long shot. It's supposed to be over. I was just so fucking over this movie. I was over this movie from like 20 minutes in. It's just because it's so manipulative and so stupid. I agree with both of those things. This is where I, why I fucking, even back then, I was like, what the fuck is this? Because Harry Stamper is going to be the martyr.

Of course, you knew that when he went in the tube. He's such a fucking asshole that he won't let another person be responsible. for saving the world because he's like, nope, I don't know, maybe someday my face will be on a $10 bill. They're going to name high schools after Harry Stamper. That statues and everything. Oh, my God, a statue.

It'll be like that big, that king statue and Lord of the Rings, that huge one, like that is like the size of three buildings. Like the Jesus one in Brazil. Yes, that's how big. The polluted ocean, there'll be two giant Harry Stamperts putting their arms out, like you're going to fucking Riverdale or whatever.

You would. That's exactly what to be. Riverdale. Whatever it's called. I think it's Rivendale. Rivendale. Also starring Lev Shriver. No, Liv Tyler. Yes. And honestly, Harry Stamper as like the sound of like a legend. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's much better than A.J. Frost. Oh, no. They would have, they would. They would run it. They would be like, oh, no, it's Alvin Jonathan Frost. Right. Whatever that guy's real name is.

But what it's all about what the high schools would be called. So how cool does this sound comparatively, right? Stamper High. high, all right. Frost high. Now we're talking, right? Vampires. Just go there. Yeah, our mascots, the Frost Giants. I was going to say it's in like, you know, Colorado or something.

Oh, that's... Frost High, where you learn to interview presidents. Yeah. Again, may I remind you, that's the most boring movie ever made. So, so, like, Bruce Willis has this heartfelt speech. It's like, no, now it's your term to your time.

your turn to eat animal crackers off my daughters. Now you get to... My box of animal crackers is empty. It's all yours. Now you get to fuck my daughter. They're great for dipping. You know that.

I know that. You love animal crackers. I'm much more of a dunkeroo's man. I hope to have dunkeroo's in heaven. But I think you're right, though. I mean, like, not only as you're thinking about the high schools, he's like, all right, no, you go home.

now I'm going to ruin your fucking wedding by the way enjoy your sad wedding bye yeah Ben Affleck's never getting over this of course neither is she like no one's getting hooked on Oxy the minute he gets off the fucking plane it's over I just ruined your life

motherfuck see you later and it's such a fucking bullshit too he's like I've always loved you I've always been proud of you I can't think of a better man to marry my daughter and I'm like did you forget about the shotgunning 18 days ago? Come on. Don't worry.

You'll never live up to me. Goodbye, son. It's a nice day for a sad wedding. Oh my God. Are we there? Can we just say? It's a nice day to cry again. Can we just talk about the end credits?

Yeah. The end credits, we got to save it because it's my favorite part of the movie. So basically, whatever, they all get on, and now the spaceship won't start. Peter Stoverer has some funny business. He al-Bundies his way through it. He does. It's the side of it like a fucking lunatic.

Like a bad TV. And the Reaper won't let go because he's like, no, again, the Reaper wants this fucking kid so bad. Dormammu has not come to bargain, dude. And my favorite line of the entire movie is Billy Bob Thornton. He's watching the countdown. He's like, press it! It's just so big. It's like so over-arm again.

At this point, he's like fucking press. He's so tired. He's so goddamn tired at this point. He presses it. We get the most outrageous montage I've ever seen. Oh, the really quick life flashing before your eyes, horse shit. Woof. Oh, thank God it lasts like five seconds.

They make it and they land their spaceship and William Fickner. Again, I got choked up here, man. I am telling you, I am a fucking sucker for this dumb movie. I just want to shake the hand of the bravest, the daughter of the bravest man I ever met. Dude, goot. Not crying. choked up. That's so embarrassing. That line is like the lamest thing

because I was like the daughter of the Who gives a shit? Shake the hand of the daughter of the best person that ever lived I just want to shake the hand of the neighbor of the bravest man

I've ever met. You know what? I got to be honest to you I came down here back from I just had to meet the Cracker Crotch girl That's you right? Cracker He was talking about it up there the whole ride. He was talking about this hot cracker crotch. He's really explicit.

I heard you're a real animal down there in your cracker crotch. I could stay awake just to put crackers in your crotch. I'm more of a gusher myself. Oh, yikes. All sorts of 90s treats. Dunkeroo's gusers. Oh, dude, there's some luncheables down there, man. Oh, poor Skittles.

all over you. Oh, I think I actually saw that Skittles commercial. Michael Clark Duncan says Harry, you the man. Oh, right. That did not choke me up. They touched down and he's like, you're the man, Harry. Okay.

You're king of earth, Harry. I did very little. Thanks for dying. After a freeze frame on making out, by the way. Will Patton's little kid, I guess, like, she forgot about the domestic violence or whatever the fuck went out. Or him killing her dad or whatever happened. Or she left her new husband, question mark?

I know what's going on. But this kid's wearing a little American flag t-shirt, by the way. Of course. Lady America's got to be present. I think it's a thing where Will Patton, like, the single worst degenerate gambler ever. Oh, I think it's that. Yes. Because it's Will Patton.

He's such a gentle soul. I can't imagine him playing a character that's, like, violent or anything like that. He is just a dirty, rotten gambler. Oh, right, here it is. He was giving, he's given the baby a bath. His younger brother a bath. Yes. But then the bills game that he had money on.

Right. Was on in the other room. Yeah. And there was a crucial field goal. Totally. This was an O.T. He's just like, I could leave the baby in the bath a minute. I could just, I could just, with the bills.

Oh, wait. It's time out. All right. All right. The ice in the kick. And he runs out. Comes back and get yourself a blue baby there, my friend. Oh, so you're saying they used to have two kids.

A recipe. This is just a recipe for making a blue blade Maybe a little thing We call a blue baby Well, yeah, just like We have the Able Ferraro Steve Bouchemi sequel to this movie I also want the owning Mahoney

As prequel Fucking Will Patton movie Oh god He's got he's got They had to kid Tony Todd is just like clutching The baby in the bathtub And that they both vanish

Oh shit What if it's like the cooler And it's just Alec Baldwin kicking the shit out of Will Patton Sure That would also be great So, of course, the Blue Angels fly over because it's fucking Michael Bay has a goddamn speed dial. Everybody's having kids.

And then we have the sad wedding. It's a nice day for it. All to this fucking goddamn Aerosmith song. But this is why it's my favorite part. It's a weird, like, they're all in one location. It's them coming out of this church. Everybody's throwing rice, this, that, and the other thing. But eventually, it devolves into like cake, pull.

right on the church stoop and these guys aren't going ape shit like it needs to be a thing where it's somber as a fuck we do see it at the at the ceremony all the dead astronaut photos are there you know who's not there gruber ain't there no gruber's definitely

there no it's max it's just just gruber no gruber's hard left oh gruber's hard left because I remember thinking why did they bother printing a picture of gruber but no not the first two astronauts no those pilots no they weren't Because they weren't roughnecks, dude.

It's only the roughnecks. And Gruber. Gruber was an honorary roughneck. Got it. Michael Bay does the full November rain here. Oh, dude. And it's like, stop it with this song. And this is like during end credits.

Yeah, I'm like, get me out of here. Michael Clark Duncan's like shoving cake into Ben Affleck's face on the church steps. Everybody's playing grab ass laughing it up. Did they not read to Hall? I don't know. It makes no sense. But they are way too happy for a. sad wedding. And that's exactly what

this shit would be. Probably Billy Bob Thornton had to walk her down the aisle. Like, you know what I mean? That's a sad situation. With this whole thing happening, maybe you push the wedding back. Maybe you just push your back a bit. Dude, he saved the world. You can't push this back far enough.

It's going to be so awkward once they inevitably get divorced. They're not right for each other. It's going to be a super divorce. I know. And then it's going to be like, oh yeah, my father killed himself so I can marry that low life. Right.

Yes. She did not be. Yeah, exactly. Oh, he's setting up cracker cratches all across this county. Son of a bitch. Found out he had another cracker crotch two counties over. Yeah, she goes to like Raylene's house.

Like, let me guess. Animal crackers, right? He did it to you too. Like, he does that to every one. Raylene fucking pulls out a necklace. It's like a little, a little pendant with an animal cracker in it. He said, well, he did the Australian.

accent, will the gazelle go north or south? He said that it should be a cookie because it's sweet. Then my crotch was sweet. He actually let gummy sharks swim in me. Do you think that those... Oh my God, he's escalating, the gummy sharks. Do you think that those photos of all the dead roughneck astronauts were Ben Affleck's wedding party? Were those the groomsmen just dead photos?

I don't see Michael Clark Duncan up there as best man Also I'm confused about that though Was Billy Bob Thornton invited to that wedding Do we see him there? No we don't probably because he was just shooting something else I would imagine But that's like I mean because Liv Tyler And him like have a big hug at the end

Everybody's celebrating I feel that means instant invitation to this way Oh for sure You know the thing is he doesn't give a shit Nah Oh he turned it down You know he sent a gift I don't know

I think eventually she's going to sue them. So maybe not. Sue? Who, NASA? Yeah, I think she might do that person. You got no court in the land. NASA saved the world. NASA now runs the government.

Well, no, her father has been impeached. Could you imagine that? Emperor Billy Bob Thornton is what we got. No, her father, by defying NASA, saved the world. I see. Excuse me. I believe this woman has a case. I'm Alan Dershowitz.

I need to figure out what the fuck happened to Keith David. Because I feel that's probably another Toot sweet firing. He was involved in the coup or something. Oh, right, when all nations of the world crumble. They'd be great if this was post-apocalyptic in the end credits. It's like a Mad Max wedding.

Nice day for a Mad Max wedding. A lot of the band's driving around. That fire car. No, I prefer more of a Star Wars thing. Like Liv Tyler gives a medal to Ben Affle. I remember the check of metal to Michael Clark Duncan. Sure. I remember the check that I wrote.

We rented the fire car. Oh, man. That's the end of this fucking movie. Would anybody recommend it? I will. I'll turn my key. I know I'm the only one. My mom loved this movie watched it a hundred times.

I don't like this movie. It's objectively bad. It's a hangover movie kind of for me. Like, I can see this going on. I do think it's filled with character actors that I like doing fun-ish things. The plot and the story are nonsense. That's me.

No, it's shit. I'm going to say no. I didn't like revisiting this. I always remembered it was like, I was like, well, it's all right. I always remembered that. But I was wrong. And I was like, oh, this is better than Deep Impact.

I always thought that. But now I watch this, I'm like, it's so fucking boring. I'm like, is it better than Deep In fact? It is. I can watch Deep Impact. It is still better than you to watch it. I will have to revisit it. But I'm going to say no, because I just did not enjoy watching this almost three hour of film.

I am a hard pass on this movie. And I was actually surprised because I went into it like, oh boy, finally rewatching Armageddon after all these years. That's kind of how I felt too. Like we had it on VHS. I've seen this movie a thousand times. I just haven't seen it in a really long time. Sure. And I guess I know now the reason why I fell off.

I mean, I just, it was so bothersome. All the grab ass before we fucking get in space, we only start drilling with 58 minutes left in this movie. What are we doing? And that's why, yeah, I guess it serves as a good hangover movie because it's so fucking long. Because you can be miserable and puking your guts out

and you're really not going to miss much until, you know, the last 20 minutes or whatever. The score is a bit much. The score is, the production design is terrible. the asteroid looks like a fucking godsmack cover album it is a fun cast though it is it's a fun i'll give you that it does have a good cast but the people that i like in the cast there's like so much other shit that you have to navigate around while those guys are just standing around doing nothing the one thing i always will give michael bay is he will

get his cast to perform for him yeah that you're never like very there's not many lazy performances in michael bay movies apparently bruce wills hated his guts i don't i don't i I have a theory about that because yeah there's something on the Tribune about like... Two alphas, man. Oh, that's true.

You can't have two junkyard dogs that's right. Next to each other. But yeah, the Tribune said like he didn't appreciate his directing style

and refused to work with him ever again. What I think that translates to Michael Bay said no to him about something. And it was like, what the fuck did you just say to Bruce Willis

king of the movies? You say no? Well, I say I'll never work with you again. It was probably the statue. Last Shot of Statue. The Rippendell Statue. Where's the statue in my fucking honor? What do you mean you didn't write that?

Get JJ out here. He walked out of the premiere, like, fuming. Fuming. That is Armageddon from 1998, directed by Sir Michael Bay. And that caps season eight of We Hate Movies. If you want more, WHM, check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies. While we're on our summer break, there will indeed be fresh Patreon updates all through the month of August. Yeah, we'll do a brand new episode on Jason Takes Manhattan.

Boom. That's going to be an in-studio episode that's going to tie in to our live episode on Jason X, which is coming out soon. Because August, guys, it's a live month. It's a live month. We're not doing reruns. Right. So there will be fresh content. Next week is the emoji movie.

people have been screaming at us for the emoji movie I don't know why I don't get it so there's still going to be a lot of great we hate movies content and like everyone said Patreon the Patreon will still have the Nexus new Nexus new animation damnation new prime ep

and that Twilightmentary that power hour twilightmentary is coming out that's right it's coming I just have to put some what you call finishing touches on it oh I'm so excited it's in the editing bay that's right follow us on Twitter we are at WHM podcast and check us out on

Instagram also at WHM podcast. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. We all hate movies at gmail.com right into that mailbag in September. The mailbag will return along with us with some brand spanking new apps for We Hate Movies Season

9. Until then, thank you for sticking around and supporting the show after all these grand years from from fucking gone fishing all the way up to Armageddon. All those fucking spines. So many spines So many spines

Dancing on spines So until next season I'm Andrew Jupin Steven Saydak Chris Cabin Eric Siska Take it easy