We Hate Movies - S8 Ep371: Episode 371 - The Emoji Movie (Live in New York)

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Recorded live at the Abrons Art Center on the Lower East Side of Manhattan— Part of the 2018 NYC Podfest. On this week's Summer Vacation Live, the gang chats about the abhorrent, feature-length commercial for a keyboard add-on you can download for free, The Emoji Movie! How does time pass in the twisted Emoji realm known as, ugh, Textopolis? How come Sir Pooptrick Stewart didn't have a bigger role? And why in the world, after meeting him in person, would anyone hire T.J. Miller for anything? PLUS: Returning for its second season this fall, it's the beloved television classic that took the nation by storm, the one and only— wait, what's that? Oh, never mind. Hey, everyone, Alex, Inc. was cancelled after 10 episodes! The Emoji Movie stars Patrick Stewart, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Christina Aguilera, Sofia Vergara, Rachael Ray, Sean Hayes, Jeff Ross, and—last, and certainly least— T.J. Miller; directed by Tony Leondis. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. New York City, what is happening? Well done. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Eric Siska. I'm Stephen Sadak. And we are, we hate movies, from right here in New York City. Thank you for coming out.

I was born on this stage. I was born on this stage. Born on this stage? See if I can do this. That's better. Look at that. Bye. So real quick, how many of y'all are familiar with the show we run on the internet?

Okay. So if you're unfamiliar, if you're coming here with a friend and a nice, after a nice Sunday brunch. Yeah, I mean, maybe you're just here for the Zach Braff show. You might just be here for that. Zach is back, so I've heard. Yes, he is back. Which is cool.

But we're a podcast where Patrick Stewart introduces us. Can I just say, really, we're a podcast that talks about bad movies and makes fun of them. Can I just say about that clip, you can feel the gun like just off camera pointed right in the middle of his forehead. Oh, yes, emojis are wonderful. I love emoji movies. I'll be in all the emoji movies. Just put it down, man. It's cool.

I will say, I think emojis are the only society that have successfully repealed the Second Amendment because, do you guys remember the gun emoji? Oh, that's right. It's a squirt gun now. Just a super soaker. Yeah, he was about to get soaked. Stop trying to take my emoji guns, God damn it.

Yeah, look, emoji. Guns sometimes kill children, but I have the right to show you my emoji gun. You could take it from my cold dead skull emoji. David Hogg doesn't want you to hear this. What's also awesome about it is he keeps kind of sounding like he's saying his name so in case anyone's looking for him. I'm Patrick Stewart. Patrick Stewart. Patrick Stewart. Patrick Stewart. That's the signal. Help! Help! They're in a van outside.

They should be coming in now. The code word is emoji. Here's today's newspaper with the correct date, as you'll see. I'm still alive. Russell Crow's looking for him. What's that movie? Proof of life.

Proof of life, yeah. Wow, deep pull. Proof of life fans. Yeah, all right. What? Really? That broke up Meg Ryan's marriage. That's right. R.I.P.D. That marriage.

So I wanted to start just By talking about Proof of Life Yeah, that's mean Anything else? Any other notes on Proof Life before we move on? Do you want to go into Gladiator or Cinderella Man next or? Actually wait real quick, how hilarious is it that he has to sell all that shit at a divorce auction? Do you guys see this? Oh well, Russell Pro.

He's getting divorced and he's got to sell all this shit to pay for it and he's like Oh, cricky, you want my cup that I wore in Cinderella? Oh, that's what the virtuosity suit, you could buy it. No, you can buy the 6.7 suit? You can. That's nice. And his codpiece from Cinderella Man. Oh, nice.

Dude, lay off the pipe. I just said that down here, man. What? You are kind of hilarious. You could buy Paul G. You are hilariously far away from me. It's pretty great. You could buy Paul Giamati from Cinderella Man.

Oh, wow. I'll clean your garage. Russell won me at a poker game. Where's the bleach again? I'm done with the bathroom. We need the bleach. So did we already ask if anyone watched emoji movie in preparation? Yeah.

We apologize. We're sorry. Sorry about that, everybody. It's kind of an apology tour whenever we do it is. No, but that's why I wanted to say just to start off, right? Because everybody's always like, they're so nasty on the internet. Oh, those angry old we hate movies guys are so mean. I decided it might be nice to say something positive about the emoji movie before we got going.

Okay, sure. And it's this. What a blissfully fast. 86 minutes. Isn't that something? I saw that runtime on Netflix last night I started crying. Like under an hour

in 45? How? You know why? Because there's nothing to this because it's not a movie. They are padding this out like a bad SNL sketch. You're like looking for new stuff to do. So I got a question about the rate in which time moves in the phone, right? Because Father Mere,

played by Stephen Wright, Jesus Christ. If you say it again, I'm going to leave. When this kid bought that phone and started, you know, and started doing a motion. So Stephen Wright presumably would have been the emoji. So it's been like 50 years in the phone when it was like maybe like a year or two in real life. Oh, right. Well, I think is Patrick Stewart, man.

Look at that old turd. Yeah, he spawned as well. Okay, but did he shit out his son? Oh That's my real question Or did he fuck another piece of shit In there You know

Like we got to ask these questions And what's going on with the gentlemen Do you have to ask these questions? Did they meet in the colon? Was it like incestuous Was it another shit from the same thing That shit him? Some questions you have to ask

Like is your seatbelt buckle Or do you smell smoke? Did he shit out his own? son? I think it's up there. I think it's as important. What's it like your top five? Yeah, I would say.

Well, listen. Why do they procreate at all is my question? The father and mother ma'am confirmed that these emojis are fucking. Yes, that's true. And they make a baby emoji. Yep, they do. He's the only one with parents, though.

That's weird, right? Yeah, it is. Any other parents? Any other emoji? I mean, there must be the baby old. Other than father shit and son's shit, no. No, I think it's like the giver man. They put those fuckers to sleep.

You get to a certain age and you're done for. Right, yeah. Like the Logan's run of emojis. That makes total sense. That didn't play as well because nobody remembers that movie. I'm surprised the Giver made it, man. Well, it's just the Jeff Bridges masterpiece. I was thinking of the book, Lois Lowes Lauerys the Giver.

Oh, I'll be backstage. Sorry. But yeah, so, I mean, like, why do they have children? Yeah, that's a good question. Because, like, they're replenishing the emojis. Which, why? Why can't they just be like immortal or something? But there's, they, you only have a phone for two years and they only live on, it's not like, I got a rich boy, you know.

They only live on that specific phone, like, unless they can escape to the cloud. Well, that's what this whole movie is literally about. Escaping to the cloud. And I guess being yourself or whatever the fuck Patrick Stewart is trying to say, what are you even talking about? Folks, it's never too early to talk to. your kids about Dropbox. You know, sign them up for Dropbox.

Like someday kids, you'll be old enough to have a soul-crushing job. And at that soul-crushing job, your supervisor or your boss will make you put boring spreadsheets and other files into a thing called the Dropbox. Isn't this fucking exciting for children? No, you need to learn this as a teen.

Where are you going to put all that pornography you downloaded and destroyed your father's computer? You put it on Dropbox. What's with all this adware? Oh, who are you kidding? That dad's looking at porno, too, man. But Dropbox is like Oscar Schindler in this movie. He gets them out.

If I could only get them all out, all of the emojis, all of... How many emojis could I have saved? I could have saved so many more emojis. The gun one is gone. This box could have paid for three more. Jesus. So, yeah, we meet our character Gene, who is a meh emoji. voiced by T.J. Miller with, what a fucking appropriate character name for that guy.

That was the T.J. Miller Goodbye tour, by the way. Yeah, Viacondios, motherfucker. Is that what they put at the end, like, on Street Fighter? It's the only two times in film history, Raul Julia and fucking T.J. Miller, via Condios. One was dead. Yes, and one might as well be. So he's a meh emoji

And the word meh is used in this movie Way too much Which is to say more than once I've never heard this word so many times I am done with this word I'm off saying it I'm off mad Yeah I'm just meh

No meh is done dude I think we have to go back to eh Oh drop that M Yeah I just go back Put some flare in there Blase you know what I mean Like I'm the Blasey emojis? That's a little

much. It's a lot much. So he's a meh emoji that doesn't feel that way. It's kind of weird like this cast system, like if you're a face emoji, you are only allowed to have one feeling. But if you're poop, you can do whatever you want. You can have ups and downs. Soft, hard.

That's not true though. What do you mean? Like it starts, that's what they set up is that gene is like he can't be just meh. He has to be happy and all this other shit. You get a full view of, I hate Textopolis.

Yeah! Hey, hey, Cabin, say it again. T, fuck. No. You are oddly far away from me even. What did you say? What is the chair so far?

I love it. Well, look at this rug, too, man. We're like Dave Matthews band up here. But these are wireless, so if you want, we could go hang out with Chris. Oh, that's right. Come here.

Oh, do it. Yeah, come here. So we're talking about Textopolis. All right. You're over here. Yeah. It's what you always wanted. Yeah.

I kind of feel like Al Gore back here. Now. Did you just ice me? There was a high five. I was just planning my sick Al Gore joke. Right. The levels are, oh my God, that's too much we hate movies. Look at the Skala and be destroyed.

By this podcast There's like a little Textopolis up there Actually one day that we have movies in your phone It would destroy Textopolis So yeah we're at Textopolis and the weird thing is Also like yeah he can't just be meh But the thing is he also has to like He talks about like how the crying emoji is always sad

Even though he wins the lottery Yeah So the lottery exists in this world Oh dude anywhere you go Phony Fantasyland or otherwise there's degenerate gambling So, no, actually, come on. Money exists.

Money is an emoji. Are they trading people? Oh, they're just pulling parts of the money emoji off to pay for other things? And I guess, like, Texopolis government has, like, the money emoji in a breeding center. So it's, like, printing money. It's just constant, I guess, it would have be intercourse of some kind. Intercourse of some kind. But, like, you pass a Christmas tree, which, in theory, would just be a Christmas tree without a face

or anything just standing on the sidewalk and it's jumping around having some what the fuck doesn't it have sunglasses on at one point at one point is there a cool christmas tree emoji that i know i don't know now this now that is they go down let's just talk about the movie oh good i you know what great idea they go they go down to that basement of loser emojis eventually oh right that's where the unpopular emojis go the boiler room with fucking freddie grueger emoji or whatever this shit's happening it's jean me who's who who who who fucks up his first day on the job, he texts the wrong face. This whole process, by the way, turns out, is really, really stupid.

It's a picture. We've had pictures forever. You know what I mean? Why did you get scanned every time? So the whole, to make you hip on this, if you were sane enough to not watch it, they have a big, like, wall, like Hollywood squares kind of, and all these emojis that are on duty that day, I guess. for no reason, Bruce Valanche.

I would use the Bruce Valanche emoji so much. So much would replace, like, you know how I kind of only use that gif of the dude about to kill himself? The Bruce Valanche emoji would be the only thing. And then you would have to figure out how I was feeling in relation

to using the Bruce Valanche emoji. Got you pretty great. So they have all these Hollywood Squares types things. And then when the kid presses the emoji, it sends a signal into Textopolis. I'm hearing myself say this in front of you. And then like a big hand comes out and has to scan these little things.

Listen, I press that thing. It's there. It's done with. So time passes differently. Yes, exactly. So we're getting somewhere with this. We're going to crack this movie. But so yeah, you have to just stand there and like make your emoji face and then Gene fucks it up,

I guess. By not being mad, you know? Because he had to be him. So then he's viewed as a malfunction. And he has to find Oscar Schindler. Get me out. Because now there's these bots after him. You know? Yes.

Because Smiler, which is the first emoji, it's just a smiley face. It's Maya Rudolph in this movie. She's pretty good in this, I think. She's like the only thing that's like got a hold of what the character should be. Yeah, because she's great in everything. I mean, you can have like a cabin home movie.

If Maya Rudolph walked through, you'd be like, I was pretty good. At least Maya Rudolph was good in it. It looked like a pretty good. sad Christmas though. But not enough of her, but you get a lot of Stephen Wright and Jennifer Coolidge doing a Stephen right impression.

Yeah, yeah. She was like, what should I do for this role? And they were like, just do what he's doing. Which is a joke that's funny for an eighth of a second. Yep. And then if you totaled it all up, it's like 10 minutes of this joke. Of the two of them just talking about serious things, but just in the Stephen Wright voice. So it's like, well, maybe we should get divorced.

Or they say things like, oh no, our son is missing. And like you're supposed to be laughing your tits off at this like monotone gag for 10 minutes of screen time. Wait, why does divorce exist here?

Actually, you know what? Great question. And wait, now, do you give like a paper emoji to them? Oh, that's true. Oh, no, our emoji house is... I don't know, like you lose your emoji house.

Was there an emoji stock market crisis? There must be something. Because there's money around you. In that stock app that nobody uses on their phone. Got it. Because their houses, their jobs, why are their jobs? Why can't I just be a fucking little smiley face and live my own life? Why don't have to go to work every day?

Well, because it would just be like, I don't know, not Textopolis, text apartment complex. Oh, that's true. Socialism. Maybe that'll be like the Netflix show. It's just called Text Apartment Complex. And it's like, it's like Melrose plays. but just with emojis.

Oh, that's true. Would you watch that, Steve? Would you watch it with me? I think I would watch it. It would be a sexy show. So, Jean Mets. Gene Mets meets up with the high five emoji. Sure.

Which is a hand with a mouth. Could you imagine, folks? Oh, man. A hand with a mouth, I'd never leave the house. Fair. Fair. Played somewhat admirably. No, played by James Court.

He just has so much fun all the time. Yeah. And James Gordon is a loser emoji. He's not in the favorites lounge, which is the recently used, I guess. The recently used column on your emoji thing, that's what the Hollywood Squares shit is. There's like a microchip bouncer? Like the fuck, what world are we in? Textopolis.

Little loose microphone megachips going around? What? Just like megachips just rattling around in my phone? No, isn't there a computer chip emoji? Yeah, oh, I guess that's true. Yeah. let's just for the sake of this say yes for the sake of moving on

but this is obviously very much like oh like toy story where everyone like everyone as a kid like did have that moment of like wow I wonder what my toys are doing when I'm not looking you know what I mean and then Regal Ralph's is like oh I wonder if somebody should make a movie out of that yeah and then it's just like

but I wonder what the emojis my emojis are doing when I'm not watching them can't does everything need to be a sentient thing like can I have water without destroying a fucking civilization All the little hydrogen All the little H2O atoms molecules molecules molecules

Science words Science words that I'm really good at Like they're just No yeah there's a whole world Dude like inside the water droplet That's a whole world And that's a movie Right or like

You grind up a bunch of coffee beans And put them in the coffee machine But what's going on in there? That's a movie You That's like a movie Every time I make coffee I kill countless people

Yeah, dude. That'd be a horror movie. And they're all in there. They all got fucking families, and they're all, like, joking with each other and singing songs. They live, they die, they fuck, they fail, they succeed. In that order. Yeah, absolutely. Wow.

What's going on inside this microphone? Wow. What a movie. I imagine? I know. Wow. Well, I'd never leave the house. Yep. So, James Gordon, high five, brings Gene Mellon.

Can I say something? Yeah, sorry, sorry, but just another gross thing about this high five. The band-aid. Why does it have a band-aid? Oh, my God. They bleed. My skin crawl and just thinking about it.

They bleed. They bleed. They bleed. What? Hi-fi. Emogies. Oh. No, emojis can get hurt.

Apparently, they have bones. Oh, my God. Because one of the first shots is this, the laughing emoji with a broken arm is like, I can see the bone. Oh, right. No, you can't. You're nothing. You know,

I'm just looking at my emoji keyboard here, and I'm wondering, shit, do these have bones? Why is this emoji bleeding? Emoji Hospital. That's a movie. Oh, yeah. That's a TV series, my friend. Dude, emoji hospital.

Get the whole gang back together. George Clooney, Eric LaSalle. Get him all back. Other people that were on E.R. A show I never watched a second of. I'm Patrick Stewart, and I play poop. In this movie, Poop realizes he has cancer. And it's a very long process of him living and dealing with it.

It would obviously be cold cancer. Yeah, I mean, come on. So Gene Matt. Wasn't you have throat cancer? So Gene Matt. I smoked too many emoji cigarettes. Oh, I wanted to be cool. Yeah, you'll ban a gun emoji, but you won't ban no cigarette emoji.

That's right. David Hogg, you pig. I don't know. No, we like him. So, Eric, we do. Eric, I'm sorry, what James Cornyn brings. Right. T.J.

Miller's character down into the basement of the least used emojis. Right, yeah. Which, um, eggplant for some reason? Eggplant is in the not used one. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Phone from a teenage boy. Eggplant is in the unpopular emojis.

And he's portrayed as a dullard. He'd be a Casanova. Oh, he'd be the mayor of emoji town. He's got to be the A number one like, I almost said Tinseltown. What is it? Textop. Textopolis. He'd be like the jiggleau of Textopoulos.

He'd be like Michael Jordan. You couldn't go to a restaurant. Like, oh my God, that's the eggplant emoji. Oh, wow. Just the fact that a 15-year-old kid is not going to use the eggplant emoji. Wake the fuck up, screenwriter. So, and now I think this is where, now this is, I'm trying to loop this background to the tree with sunglasses on it. Okay.

Because it is passed out on this couch. Who knows what? Some type of opium den. I think it's dead. That's what they're all doing. down there they're eating a bunch of takeout shooting up well that's actually that's a good shooting up is an emoji by the way hey man can i get i'm the best emoji how's it going wait did you say you're gonna ban the meth emoji man oh man oh thank god oh that's just sugar

that's a sugar by the way there is an there's a suitcase emoji eating a chinese food emoji which is that what is it and it's small it's small it's babies it's babies they're They're all cannibals. They're all cannibals. Babies. They're eating babies. And like the fish cake emoji is eating the little pizzas and we already met the big pizza. I mean, this is horrible.

Yes. Now, because Gene Maff fucked up, though these bots are after him to delete them. Yeah. And they break in. And now James Corden and T.J. Miller, they grab these opiumatics and use them as human shields. Oh, that's right. They put sunglasses on them. them so that it looks like they have

eyes but those are long shut maybe forever but wait a second though so it's like we get at Bernies with a fucking sentient tree they toss their bodies in the street after this you're totally right this is a way more sinister movie than I realized yeah no but so the sunglass

emoji is on the tree emoji so it's like emojis like skin suits almost oh wow and then the third emoji is holding the two over itself for a disguise this is some twisted shit. This isn't for kids. Oh, you want to double down on that? There's an old folks home in Textopold.

Oh, the emoticons. For all the text emojis and one of them, I dropped my colon. Oh, right. The emoticons, you call those guys. What's that? Emotocons. Yeah, emoticons. Yeah, I laughed at that colon joke.

Cabin, you hear me down there? I laughed at that colon joke at home. You have a colon? For now. I mean, yes, but that's not what I said. Okay. So the whole thing is like he, Gene wants to go where everybody knows his name, right? It's like, cheers.

He wants to be himself, he wants to be popular, all this shit. So the whole thing is take the Dropbox tunnel, which I think is kind of like that rainbow bridge and Thor. Oh, okay. Kind of like that shit. Exactly. So it's that. And then if you can reach a firewall and get through it, then you're in the cloud. And then he can get reprogram.

to make himself a true meh. It's a little too close to conversion therapy than I'd like. You know what I mean? Like, no, not in this movie, no thank you. No, thanks. No, but that's exactly what he wants to do because he wants to do his dad proud. Sure. After doing him dirty at the beginning of the movie. But that's like when like Domino's does a tweet like happy 9-11. Wait, what? Did I miss that one?

No, there's now get three medium-sized pizzas for $9 and a 11 cents. Hashtag National 9-11 day. I think that's on 9-11. Hashtag Domino's Apology Tour 2. Chris, did they really tweet Happy 9-11? I don't know if it was Domino's, but somebody said like, it's some shitty, like,

SpaghettiOs, did somebody say? This man says SpaghettiOs made light of the World Trade Center. What business does SpaghettiOs have with a Twitter account? What do I need that for? That's just my point. is why would emoji be like, I'm going to get political? Yes, exactly. Because everybody's got to say something, man.

I guess. This movie's got a heart, you guys. It does. A bullshit. A heart emoji. It's got a heart, and then it's got another heart, and then there's a yellow and a heart and a heart and a blue heart, and a heart with an arrow through it,

and a heart wrapped up like a box of chocolate. There's a lot of heart emojis. There are. Purple heart, a green heart, a yellow heart. Yep. Said them all. Tonight we'll be listing emojis. What's your favorite?

Let's just go around. Take out your phone and follow along. Oh, shamrock. So, yeah, so he wants to escape. James Corden tells him of a princess emoji that left and made it to the firewall, or made it through the firewall to the cloud. Yeah, the princess left.

Her family doesn't talk to her anymore. You know, she left the community. That's so weird. Yeah, it's kind of like a One of Ux, like orthodoxy thing going on, man. Wow. The One of Us movie. I didn't see it.

Oh, well, if you didn't see it, forget it. You're not going to understand it. It's a documentary about women leaving the Orthodox community was the joke. Got it. Did they go to a moving on? Did they go to another app? Because apps are like a world's end of themselves. They are, dude.

We should get into that. How does this phone look? Dude, this kid's fucking storage just be through the roof. He's got so many apps. He's got a crackle app. No one has a crackle app. No one. Dude, but you should have one, though, man,

because you could be out and about, like, waiting for the bus, and you're like, oh, fuck, I got to watch Joe Dirt, too. Or you're just like, oh. I wish Crackle had an app so I could watch it on this bus. I am so glad that I could watch a show about Snatch for some reason. What? Yeah. There's a Snatch show from the movie Snatch.

Oh, the movie's snatched. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I now realize. I apologize. I just thought you were being filthy. It's a little early, Steve. It's 3 o'clock. Come on, man.

It's the brunch show. Jesus. I should have said the film snatch. There's a TV show about the film snatch starring that kid from the Harry Potter movies. Oh, that guy. Which one? Rupert Grentman.

No. Yeah, dude, it's sad. Wow. If I were him, I just stay home and swim in money. Yeah. Not bother people anymore. There's a crackle app. So, basically, they leave their textoplas app, which is the text app.

Which brings them to the, the wallpaper, which is the space between spaces. And this is when they can see sort of translucently into the other worlds that are coexisting with their own. Yeah. But we're not paying to use their names. Oh, unless

they're paying to be named. Right, like Twitter and whatnot. So, of course they have to walk by Facebook, right? And it's like a dark blue cube, and he goes in and checks it out. And then it like spits him back out with like the like thing, angry a reaction. Like all those fall out

You're like, ha ha, Facebook. Hello, welcome to Facebook. Yes, yes, I am an African-American woman that wants to tweet about Donald Trump. This Facebook app brought you by Cambridge Analytica. But they don't, you know, outright say like, wow, Facebook. Yeah. Some of them do.

They're like, oh, Spotify. Instagram is around. Instagram gets one. Dropbox, of course. Of course, it has to be Dropbox. Oh, that's like a plot device. Dropbox is one of the heroes of this. Dropbox is like heaven to these people.

Yes, it is. So they should have a hell. There should be Tinder or something there. So they wind up going to like this hacker bar that is actually like, he's got, this kid is up to some devious shit. Yeah, dude. It's like, oh, it's the dictionary app. Why are we going here? It's like, no, Alex uses this for all sorts of weird shit.

And this is what's weird He's like, he's like, no, it's not actually a dictionary. That's just a skin. And you're like, ew. What are we talking about Winnamp? He like lifts up the skin of this app, like the dictionary thing. And it's a sordid tail underneath this. Like it's like it's a Pirate Bay app.

Like, why would you do, your phone is fucked? Your phone is totally screwed right now. Maybe that's why it's messing up. Oh, that's true. That infected gene. Yeah, exactly. I would be afraid to send that to the Apple store, to be quite honest. Yeah, you don't know what they're going to find.

Well, you might know what they're going to think. Yeah, an idea. They go in, it's like a hacker, a pirate bar, and like, this is where it kind of gets very bizarre. There's, like, actual internet trolls. How does that happen? Good, good question. Are these people sucked into their phones?

It could be? They might as well be. Played by Jeffrey Ross. Right, the Roastmaster General himself is in this movie. That's cool? For using his proper title. What's that? Thank you for using his proper title He worked hard for that

He worked hard for that self-appointed title And yeah So like they're trying to find a hacker they do Who is a hacker named jailbreak Yeah It's a thing you can do to a phone is jailbreak it Oh can you? Yeah

Yeah that's where I think they got the name from What is it jail break of a phone It just means like you fuck with it enough That you can like do other shit on it Oh But then if you take it back to the Apple's door They're like Oh I see

So it's like, do it at your own risk, dude. Oh, I see. Yeah, jailbreak that phone at your own risk. So you could, like, talk to people on the Silk Road a little bit? Yeah, silver road apps. All kinds of pornography apps. You just, in your wildest dreams, dude. That's what this kid is doing, man.

That's what I'm saying, yeah. This kid's getting, like, heroin and grenade shipped to his house. That's right. So that would actually be good for the grenades because you would wrap them in the heroin and they wouldn't really jiggle in the box. Yeah, exactly. Which you don't. Oh, no, I'm just getting the heroin for,

Packaging peanuts. Those are just packaging peanuts. Exactly. That's what you want to do because you don't want those grenades jangling around in that box. Oh, sorry, I got some of the packaging left on this grenade.

Give me my little medical app. My black fucking medical app. Get it now. There is a YouTube one that we end up going into. And like, realistic, like he goes in realistically, wait, what? In the reality of emoji

If you went into it They go in and like it's cat videos And all this But like in reality You would walk in there And it would be like You know that shot when Gina Davis And Michael Keaton

And see Beal Juice's real face It would be something like that Or it would be like a 70 foot Alex Jones Oh that would be awesome Dude and he's walking to the Catch him in bed with a goblin And another thing about the Jews.

Oh, no, no, no. We call, I misspoke there. We call them globalists. Info war. Info war, not fart. Eat my chicken bone shakes. Just kind of imagining like Alex Jones scaling the Empire State building, like a big gorilla.

Oh, totally. Shirt off. Yes, absolutely. Well, he lost all that weight with those pills that he sells. Oh, totally. That monkey hair or whatever, he grinds up to make those pills.

Oh, yeah, no, it's like a, it's like a penis bone of some kind. Yeah, okay. Right? You grind that down, like a rhino horn or something? I don't think it's just one. Well, no. You need a lot to make a pill. Oh, no, airplanes, the deep state. No. No.

Well, I guess free speech is dead. Twas chili killed the beast. I forgot my kids, too. I miss my children. They're eating garbage. No, yeah, Prison Planet would be there.

Yes. Prison Planet is all over YouTube. Exactly, and like PewDie Pie and all sorts of racist talking about video games or whatever else. Like, that's what it would be. It would just be like somebody coming in and like shouting horrible shit.

Like, get the hell out of here. That's, oh, that could be like a little hurdle that you have to jump in this movie, right? It's like, oh no, it's the YouTube comment boards. And they're just dodging epithets left and right. They should have just been the YouTube movie. It could just be like Raiders of the Lost Ark. They have those YouTube.

movies that Fred the movie just where these like entertainers get to make movies those air quotes this will be on the internet one day there was a lot of air quotes around entertainment sorry the folks at home the air quotes were for the people in the room so yeah they meet up with hacker

at the hacker bar who jailbreak well first of all Trojan horse introduces them oh that's right God kill me dead isn't Trojan horse like the bartender Yeah. Stupid. What are they drinking?

Beer emojis? I guess beer emojis probably. But beer emoji's a person. Yeah, exactly. So they're drinking people. They're drinking his children. They're drinking his children. They're drinking people.

You think this is that Shuddin's favorite movie? Yeah. Probably. All right. Either that or like, I don't know, Mississippi Burning or something like that. He loves that. That crying, laughing emoji. He uses it all the time, Prison Planet.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, go to his Twitter. Well, he's, because he's smarter than us, so he's just laughing so hard at everything. That's the core of this. I'm thinking of beer emoji, like this, like, sick, alcoholic kind of a guy. Oh, yeah, dude. It's like The Lost Weekend. Yeah, it's like Barfly.

Oh, yeah, get Mickey Rourke to do it, too. Oh, yeah, he would have been in this movie. Here's all my emojis. And, yeah, so, I mean, like, so they get, now they're. there's a crew. It's jailbreak. It's the hand. The hand wants jailbreak to make him a, like, to hack this kid's phone so that like he could be a favorite again or something. Well, because the high five, this is important, it's not just a hand, he's a high five. Sure. And he's been dethroned by the fist bump. Oh. Do you get it? Do you really get it? Do you get what's

going on with this movie? Saying shit. Sayin shit. Dog whistle. A little bit. And they are, so they go into the YouTube app, they go into Candy Crush for a little bit. Oh, the Candy Crush plays a large part of this movie, eating up time and candy. And I was watching it, I was like, wow, that looks like fun. I better spend money on it.

Did you get duped by the emoji movie and you bought Candy Crush? No, of course not. Because I was like this close. Well, you're watching the emoji movie, you know? You're just like pass a time. I could be doing anything else. Maybe play that.

See what that candy crush is all about. Why are the candy pieces not sentient? Thank you. Someone was just like, oh, my God. Holy shit. They should be at least like dogs or cats. Something, you're like a pet, you know, they can have pet candies. Well, then you do like a Swedish fish.

Like a cow tail. That's not really a whole animal. Sweetest fish could talk like the Swedish chef. It would be great. Oh, yeah. sued real quick. You should have been in the writer's room. That was a good joke.

No, that's a joke that I could see in this movie. Now, folks at home, he did an air quote. Not. And so, like, Gene gets stuck inside and they have to play Candy Crush for about 18 minutes. They literally, here's the thing. The movie stops dead. So they can put the full candy crush thing

on the screen, takes up the whole screen, and you just hear someone, I think it's who's voicing the jailbreak character? Anna Ferris. Yeah, it's Ana Ferris is just like for like, I don't know who, everybody knows how to play this, but for all, I don't know, some like octogenarian watching this movie.

It's just like, so what you have to do is match up the color correctly, and then they drop down, but you don't want Gene's color to explain. And she's explaining the rules of this game, and it eats up another two minutes of this movie, of this 86 minute movie. And then like James Gordon as a hand

is eating up all this candy? It's repulsive to look at. Is he eating it with his hand mouth? Not only that. Not only is he eating it with his hand mouth. He vomits a piece of candy up and then he eats it again. Yes. It's his own

vomit. And apparently the hand has a digestive system. That's the question. Is he shitting out the other ones or what? He's got like a little butthole somewhere. That's what I come from. Thanks for the money. You rang?

Or does he just puke? Because we saw him puke once, so we know that's happening. Okay. Maybe it's both. Like it goes in, he digests it, and then it, you know, like a starfish or something. He's like a starfish, really? Dude, it's a high five emoji voiced by a British man. Anything is possible.

This is the emoji movie. It doesn't fucking matter. It's not real. I just remembered James Corden and Patrick Stewart have a beef. Did you ever see that video? Oh my God, yes. Where it was like Patrick Stewart was getting some honor. and James, like, Corden was, like, ribbing him a little bit.

Oh, right. And then Patrick Stewart comes out, it's amazing. He's totally drunk. And he's like, well, thank you, James. You know, your belly is quite large. Your belly is very big. I sure... Look at your big belly.

Sure would love to get that belly in the driver's seat of a minivan and sing a stupid song with you. That's very funny, James. I'm a knight. So I imagine they're promoting it James Coyce like wow this is excited You're like your belly is still quite large James Look at you eating well in America

You know I played poop but you played a fat hand Let me tell you something The design of some of these things And this is the high five My wife and I were fucking freaking out last night Because it should just be like this right It's just a high five They're making it like move

Oh yeah And the fingers are like moving as he moves with the motion of him moving it's like he's got a prop like he has a bag of props somewhere with like

the little monster finger things that come out where is that and they still don't explain that goddamn bandaid it's disgusting you have a rough weight that hand we need a prequel movie

about the hand oh I'm sure that's a DVD extra man he probably cut it on a bag of chips with his big belly watch that video he is trashed. What is the award?

Was this the BAFTAs? Because that's a disgrace. No. That's a prestigious ceremony, man. It's a fun award. I think it was like the British People's Choice Award. Oh yeah, you should be drunk for that.

So the weird thing about this is there's a lot of like life and death stakes in the world of an emoji. It's the emoji movie, man. Everything's on the table. So like they go into the Just Dance. thing and Christina Aguilera

is yelling at them and their band. It's a giant Christina Aguilera too. Oh, is she a giant? Oh my god! I have an idea for a bit. The emoji movie. What if there was a giant woman? Can she wear cleats?

This is why, man, this relationship I was like, take it and knew exactly where it would go. The garbage, right in the garbage. Oh, my God! It's just fun to do that. So all the bots, the bots that the smile ladies sent after them find them. So all of a sudden, the phone starts freaking out and they have to delete it.

And I'm like, it's the end of melancholia. There's a big bright light, everybody's like, oh, no! It's insane. Yeah. That big giant woman takes a lot of baths, is going to sleep. a lot. Dude, that'd be awesome if there was like a Kiefer Sutherland emoji

and it just shot itself in the head in front of a bunch of horses. Next to a horse emoji. Yeah, so yeah, they're dancing and then you find that the jailbreak doesn't know how to dance. They're flirting. These two images are kind of flirting.

Yeah, dude. I don't know. I mean, it was right from the meat cute. You could tell these two emojis. Okay, and now jailbreak is wearing like clothes and a beanie and T.J. Miller's character, Gene, meh, is naked.

Yep. Yep just going on a date naked you ever try that not yet I did that's why I left

the show for so long oh that's where he went yeah you were gone I said Germany yeah nine to 12 months you were gone we can't play a show

anywhere near a school that's why he's that far away isn't the rider man get that guy away from me I still cannot believe you were that far away It's great So yeah they're like

Then oh in this scene Big reveal in this scene Steve Oh really what did I miss Well because That's not what I was talking about Oh great question No well I thought this is So the whole thing about like

They keep waxing about this This princess that escaped Oh right right Blah blah blah right So he's like Oh here's how you dance jail break And they're just like doing I believe it's called the emoji

Push? What is the name? The emoji Bop. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Shame on you. It would have been better, by the way, if it was the emoji shuffle, first of all. Anything with shuffle at the end of it is very funny. Yeah. Is there a fridge emoji?

A refrigerator peri, you think? Yeah. Anyone's dad in the audience? They mentioned the fridge. This is great. No, so they're dancing and she gets into it. He teaches her how to dance, right? Because this Just Dance app is like, what? It's a game. Yeah, it's like a game.

It's like a... Is that a real app? It must be. I don't know. Audience? Okay. Wow. One guy was like, yeah, move on. It's the greatest game ever. No, so she really gets into it and she's dancing and then like her dumb hat falls off.

Oh, right. And the hair goes with it. You're like, what, what, what? And she's the princess. Holy shit. Who cares? Someone did One of the 19 writers on this did And at this point also

The app gets deleted and James Corden doesn't make it He is presumably killed Oh right because he's getting the phone Like reformatted at the store Yeah no no he just before he just Because basically The Just Dance app starts playing in the middle of class And everyone makes fun of him for having music going off

on his phone. He deletes the app. James Corden is erased from existence. Do these, like, emojis have to whisper? Like, if what they do affects what happens on his phone, it's like, yeah. Could you pass this salt? Oh, yeah, dude. It's like a quiet place. Nice.

Whenever you don't have your phone out, it's like, oh my God, shut the fuck up. Shut, shut the fuck up. I don't care if your baby, shut the fuck up. All the emojis have to walk on. Be fucking deleted. Shut the fuck up. I love that.

They're all just hiding. Put that bookshelf in front of that door. What? I haven't seen that movie yet, but that quiet monopoly seems like a lot of fun. Quiet? What did you say?

In the trailer, they're playing the quiet monopoly with like felt and shit. Oh, yeah. Listen, that's how monopoly should be played, by the way. Just everybody shut the fuck up and get through it.

The faster everybody shuts the fuck up, we can finish this game of Monopoly. I was going to say, that's an easy way. to get killed. You and you get your dad to play Monopoly with you and you beat him? Everybody's dead. Oh yeah. The vacation's ruined

if you beat Dad a Monopoly. Do you want Dad to delete you? What's going on over there? I sure hope no one's trying to best me at Monopoly. So they wind up James Gordon goes to like prison or whatever or hell. Yeah, it's

it's the trash I guess like he's waiting to be overwritten or whatever. There's no trash on your phone. You can't, like, visit the trash. There's trash on my phone. No, but, yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, you're deleted for good. An app is deleted for good.

And for some reason, like, Jeff Ross, as the internet troll is also there, and it's, like, okay. Well, that's really saying something, right? Because, like, internet trolls just should live in garbage. And most of them kind of do. In their natural habitats of basements and whatnot. And James Corrin's, like, pretending, like, it's prison. and he's like, oh, nobody knows the text I've seen

or some awful song. And then there's the giant woman is there, too. A giant woman in prison! I have an idea for the emoji movie. Can I write it? Sounds like you have an idea for an Italian film from the 70s. Oh, she's locked in a dark room.

It's a dark huge room. That's right, Mr. Sadeek. A nice start. room. She's so big! So, they have to break him out and they use some sort of rope to get him out. So it's just a rope dude. It's not some kind of like e-rope or a magic rope.

They just find a rope in a phone. Because what the fuck? Who cares? It's the emoji movie. Nothing matters. This is society right now. One emoji using a rope to pull another one out of the garbage. Did they find it in the boat that they sail down Spotify in? Oh, my Lord, you're right, because they were right next to Dropbox. All our troubles are over, dude.

But he's deleted, and the trash is apparently on the other side of the phone, and they can't get there quickly. So, you know how do you get through, just like how you get through work. You put on Spotify, you ride those sound waves, man. Yeah, dude, just pray for it to be over soon. Suddenly they're back in the garbage. Wait for the Hail Bob app. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a lot of fun.

I'd like to purchase that app. The Hail Bob app? Yeah, I want to purchase all of the apps. Dude, the Hail Bob app is really great because all it is is like a little clock. And it tells you exactly when that comment's going to come and the exact moment you should commit suicide. Oh, okay. That's the Hail Bob comment. I would love to know when I should commit suicide.

Yeah. Because it's just a question. Hey, Steve. do it now time's up I think I have a knife alright we'll figure it out so

they take him out the garbage and now Maya Rudolph has sent it weird big old monster after him because we're just running time off the clock

yeah apparently she like she does some upgrade to the bot that deletes people and now it puts in one of the microchips children into the bot yeah

it goes from like Robocop to Cain from Robocop 2 Sank rap, dude. Which is slightly bigger. Anyway, it's pursuing them. Yes, and they best it by like, you know, they best it by like, you know, using his like Mr. Fantastic Arms to wrap him up. Right.

And also, for no reason whatsoever, we go to Instagram and we're, it's the fucking B plot to end all B plots. B is generous, dude. This is like... Did somebody say B? This movie is very much like B-movie, by the way. B-movie, better movie? Better movie. Oh, 100%.

Because I've also looked at a B and I'm like, wow, that guy's kind of cool. I've never given a shit about an emoji. Steve's been like, look at that B. I wonder what his day-to-day is like. Does he have parents? Did he have to go to college? I wish there was a movie that would tell me. I wonder if he stops to smell the flowers.

Exactly. These things and more. So, yeah, they're getting like they basically, They're looking for their son. They leave the apps too, and now they're like, they're fighting with each other. Oh, these are the meh parents? Mother and father, meh.

Yeah. They got a meh marriage. But so the wife is like looking for the husband and she just is, it's Jennifer Coolidge like, wow, I wonder if he's in Instagram. And somewhere somebody cashed a check. Yep. And apparently this kid went to Paris, a little rich boy. Yeah, absolutely.

This motherfucker, which also, it brings to mine really quickly. This movie should not have, like, the people. No. And this kid and his shitty life. Like, I don't care about any of it. This could have been a nice, narrow, 65 minutes. Get the kid out of here. Totally.

Like, the little bits of, like, Andy in his life that you see in Toy Story, that's more than enough. Yep. You know, you know, vacations this kid takes, crush as he has in school, bullies that pick on him? This kid's a creep, by the way. Big time. Big time creep. We find out that his password is this girl he's never even dated. Ew.

Ew. He cannot even speak to her. They only speak through the language of emoji. I think that's just, I think the kids just do that. Yeah. You know, it's not too different from hieroglyphics. Oh, fuck. Damn it.

Remember that scene of the movie? Yep. They're learning about hieroglyphics in high school. What remedial class is this? That is first grade or bust. They didn't have letters. They just had pictures. Can you believe it, 16-year-olds?

Technically, the first emoji movie was Stargate. Yeah. Holy shit, I can't believe that played. Nicely done, audience. Well, listen, like, the gate is like, that's how you get to Dropbox. And fucking James Spader decides to stay in Dropbox. you're right it's all coming together

a little Kurt Russell emoji maybe I would love a little Kurt Russell emoji yeah he passed I didn't I was there the whole why is he poor Patrick Stewart has four fucking lines in this movie it's disgusting

it's fine no it's disgusting well that's because he's poo yeah the lines he's saying are disgusting oh yeah yeah no he's no it's disgusting because I was bummed man it's like all you saw of this movie was just that little turd everywhere.

So I thought we're talking like major player here. Yeah, I thought it was gonna be turtown. Yes, dude. One way ticket. Nonstop.

But it's not. Welcome to Turtown. I want to know. I have my own app now. You can rate your poos. That's got to exist, right? And like the ass onto the iTunes store. What?

On the Silk Road. Yeah. Oh. That should be like on the main stage, though, man. The main stage. Should it? How do they not go to like an app store in this? That should be a thing.

That would be a lot of fun. Something, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it would be like the mall scene. Yes. Right? Oh. They're going to try on some new apps.

It's kind of like they go to Amazon and that's what it would be. Amazon is the mall. Oh, yeah. Amazon said no. Yeah, well, they didn't. Amazon said no. Netflix said no. Hulu said no.

That's where, that's how you get Crackle in your movie. Those dudes all said no. And then they were like, well, maybe we won't have a streaming platform and then Crackle went, please! I feel like that's how you answer your phone at Crackle. Uh, Hulu said no, huh? Yep, uh-huh. Yeah, that's Bob.

Hulu said no, huh? Okay, thank you. Please, God. All we have is Joe Dirt 2 and low-res Seinfeld reruns. And the single... Fucking help us. And a single episode of Duck Tales. With nine commercials built into it.

But that's right. Committee is in cars getting coffee or whatever. That Seinfeld show moved from Crackle. Wow. Yeah, it got right out of there. As soon as possible. You're the hell about comic. That's the fucking end of days of Crackle, man.

That's it. Oh, shit. You think they, like, killed themselves? Yeah, possibly. That's how crackle parties end with a big punch bowl. We will accept Crackle money if anyone's interesting. If anyone from Crackle works. You know, if you want to do Joe Dirt 3, we're in for anything.

Sure. I could wear a fun mullet. Yeah. I don't know where you go with the Joe Dirt 3. The second one already. had time travel. Yeah. That's it.

Aliens, I think you go full aliens. Aliens is good. I think that's what has to happen. That's something. Okay. Let's back pocket that for later. Joe Dirt 3 colon beyond Jupiter. Yeah.

Did you picture that guy like in an alien bathroom trying to figure out how it works? Oh man, that would be a lot of laughs. That's 20 minutes right there. How is he going to get that mullet in a space helmet? That'd be fun too. Oh my God. I'm laughing already.

Dude, and they have to give him a haircut? And he's like crying about it. Yes. You never want to lose your mullet, man. Yeah, they got to put him in one of those silver jumpsuits because he's an astronaut now? I guess. All right, we'll continue workshop in Joe Dirt 3. After the show.

So they go up into, they have to cross like the river sticks to get to a firewall in front of your drop box. You don't have to just put in a password. It's a full firewall. It's terrifying. It's at the source wall, man. It's freaky. The source wall.

wall now. It's a freaky thing from Jack Kirby's New Gods, right, everybody? Cool, I'll be over here. Did you hear that beep noise that happened right now? That was after my bad joke. That was the bad joke alarm. It was a phone reacting. And, yeah, so

this is when we find out that he's using Addy's name as a password. Yeah. It's creepy as fuck. It's a little weird. Why not like, does he have a dog? It's the pet's name. Something like that don't make him a serial killer before his time. Yeah, let him fuck with the dog first, apparently.

That's how they usually start. That's right, that's right. It's a good tip for anyone out there. You know, a kid who's killing animals, keep your eye on that guy. Oh, yeah, you better keep an eye on that kid. Somebody's like, what? He's just killing animals. It's fine.

The little critters. You got a little Jeffrey Dahmer there. A little Jeffrey Dahmer, for sure. And so they make it. through to the cloud, and once they get to the cloud, James Corton's like, yeah, I forgot what my whole purpose was. He doesn't even talk about that thing. And now

like, meh is about to be reprogrammed, and, you know, the princess is like, you know, why do you want to do that? You should just be yourself, and that's almost a message in almost a movie? Almost. They're like this close to trying to figure something out at some point. Happy 9-11. Oh, SpaghettiOs. Uh-oh.

You hear that down there, Kevin? What? Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs joke. Oh, God. Yeah. That makes sense. You know why? Because Chef Boyardee must run SpaghettiOs

because old people cannot stop tweeting about 9-11. Wait, do old people eat a lot of spaghettios? No, no. Chef Boyd is an older man. Oh, right. No, I think that's a cartoon. Oh, really?

Yeah, they moved. Wait, there's no fucking real, Chef Boyardee? If there was, he's been dead for like at least 70 years. Yeah, it's just an animated O now. Yeah, that dude's like center stage, man. Yeah, and Chef Boyd is a skull emoji now. And now it's run by, like, Cody Boyardy, like his grandson. Cody.

Yeah, I mean, Cody. And he's like a real asshole because he's rich. Yeah. Cody Boyardee's got, like, affluenza. That makes everything. It's the way I see it. So, they are, she's about to reprogram him, but then she's, Somehow she breaks his heart, right?

How does that work? So he comes in, she's like, all right, cool, we did it. You help me out. I'm going to keep the other end of the bargain. I'm going to go hack the phone, and I'm going to reprogram you, and you can be mad, and this movie can fucking blissfully end. And he's like, all right, cool. And she goes into some sort of mainframe to do it,

and she's hacking away, and he's like, wait a second, I want to be myself. I've realized this journey through this phone has taught me. I want to be myself. express myself however I choose so he goes in and he's like hey stop the hack I love you and she's like oh ew she's like that's cool man but uh that doesn't exist between emojis yeah sorry jean she's just like I'm a princess and you're T.J. Miller nah yeah you got to set a lot of boundaries and he gets

all fucking ready to forechan out on her and like 4chan is a verb is thank you and he like storms back out and high five's like oh great let's go sing in a Ford Windstar

what that's what he does that's what he's made millions of dollars doing singing in bands just singing in minivans sure no so then he's like oh dude Did you score or like whatever?

And he's like, no, I'm actually mad because my heart's broken. I got friend zoned. No. That's a dumb word. I feel like that was in the first draft of this. And they were like, cut it out. That's no. That's really bad now.

That's like a password to get into 4chan as friend zone. Yeah, totally. Because those guys suck. This actually makes no sense. These are just electric blips going off in reality. Oh, I forget. I got my 4chan login. What was it?

Incel, Cock 69. Password Addie. Oh, ew. Ew. Yeah. Ew. They wind up, they're very sad. He becomes very sad.

So now he is meh, finally. Look at me. I have become mad. Look upon my works at despair. I have become meh. Destroyer of text messages. See, he just needed a little life experience before he could become a proper emoji. ready for the screen.

Yeah, like crushed. He needs to be crushed. Yes, everyone needs to be crushed. He needs to have his dreams destroyed before he then goes back out into the working world. And at this point, Alex is about to delete his entire phone's history or whatever at the Apple store, at the whatever store,

the phone store. No, it's most pointedly like none of the... It's just like, it's the phone store. I have an appointment at the phone store to get my phone fixed. and when this pops Is that a new phone? Yes, it's like your phone

but with a better camera. Oh, is that phone X? Shh, that's too close. Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Release the lawyers. So when this pops on the calendar, everyone in the phone, everyone in the phone, the emojis in the phone are like,

oh no, the world is about to end. Yes, life as we know, it is over, dude. The doomsday clock. is five minutes to midnight there you go yeah that's how like it here take this it's sort of like the watchman

yeah I know and just just dust it off just test it off and take it got out of the trash that's it James Gordon yeah so he's like yeah there should have been like a little Morgan Freeman that comes out like our time as emojis are over with

oh yes yeah something like that would work right maybe they get into a spaceship to leave and they have like drill on Alex or something? Speaking of spaceships, I think this is around when Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir poop trick Stewart

turns around in a captain's chair and says like Red Alert or something. And I threw a shoe at the television. He totally, it's just the Red Alert and I fucking threw up. Fuck you. Star Trek joke in this.

I dare you. I guarantee you didn't even do it. They just took that from the show. He's like, no, I'm not. doing this. Look at this big animator and his big belly. Do you know how many impersonators I have? Four at least.

There's four who could do it quite poorly. Yeah, and yeah, so like he has to... Gene runs back to the phone or Textopoulos because he wants to, like, save the world or something. Oh, at least, like, see his friends and family

before they all die. He gets arrested. Wait, what? The boss arrest him. He gets picked up by, the bot comes through the cloud and takes them. Oh, high five, you mean? Yes. Yeah.

No, yeah. No, no. The princess are left alone when we see the most terrifying thing in this entire movie, which is the sentient Twitter bird. It's back, and I think we should be here in tweets during this. Oh, that'd be fun. Like, the failing Washington Post, sad, Ivanka. Oh, just every time it flaps its wings, like his shit falls out of it. Exactly.

Not going to mention that fire at my building. Actually, that fire was good because only one person died. Look at all these loser firefighters that got hair. hurt in this fire. It's a well-made building. I would have run right in there. I would have run right in there. I wouldn't have thought of that for a second.

Oh, fuck them. Just fuck them. Just fuck the whole thing. Yep. And so they wind up, like, they're about to be erased or whatever. And this is, it's kind of terrifying. and also makes for the best part of the movie.

Because as they're all being deleted or reset or whatever, you're just watching them disintegrate. Yeah. So it's just like, poop, he gets flushed. Which is a joke that could have made because listen how fucking terrible that was, right? Somehow absent from this film. But am I to understand that every time you get your phone fixed,

you are slaughtering, like, really? Mass genocide. Genocide. Every time. Every time. Okay. Text genocide. Dude, we might be in a phone right now.

Oh, wow. Think about it. Think about it. I'm thinking about it. Good thing we're not stoned, man. I'd be freaked out with that. What a comment. It's a thinking man's joke.

But it's, I mean, it's kind of great. I mean, did you notice this? As they all disappear, no one has any, like, last words. They all freeze and look at another emoji and just vanish. They all fall. of pixels, it's so awesome. It's eerie, man. Just dead. All these characters I've hated for the last

80 minutes. Dead. But what happens is, you know, Addy happens to be at the store, which I think is not a mistake. This guy knows her schedule. It's like, oh, oh, I got to go to the Apple store or the phone store. Exactly 4 p.m.

Oh, Addy, funny running into you here. Do you know you're my password? He doesn't even do that. He just, he's, He stands in the opposite end of the room and texts her. Yeah. Man, what a creep. Well, I think that's a comment on today's society, man. Oh, shit.

Nobody's saying anything. This is like, this movie's saying something. Totally, it's revolutionary. Happy 9-11. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, indeed. How was that not Domino's, though? That is such a...

That is a Domino's move, if I've ever heard it. And, like, fucking John. Domino's just like wait we tweeted what oh here we go again all right look we are sorry for the way our pizza tastes the boxes they come in and yes we're sorry for the 9-11 tweet fucking tweet insurance Jesus so he but he texts her an emoji and like with Jean's dying breath he does this thing which can't happen on a phone where it's like an animated emoji I guess sort of yeah It's him doing all the faces.

All at the same time, right? And it inspires this kid not to delete his phone or whatever. Well, the inspiration comes when Addy looks at it and goes, ha, hey, cool emoji. Yeah. And he's like, wait, what? She thought it was cool. This diseased phone's good for something.

Yeah, exactly. He does make some comment. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to keep this fucked up phone. Ew. Oh, ew is right. But she says something. Addie likes it. Oh my god

The giant girl Loves this emoji No she's dead for good though I think Who? The giant girl She never comes back Oh yeah Obrusine Aguilera

Yeah Their character perished There are There are casualties in war But now everybody comes back after he like Unplugs the Erasing thing

It's not a thing Yeah It's gone No it's not a thing The thing's gone Everybody's gone Everybody's gone but everyone comes back

and now Gene has been heralded as the savior of their race and he becomes like a dictator for life I think I think so yeah that makes sense It's really cool to finally see a movie where one white guy is the special one and saves the world

It's really cool to finally see a movie like that It's a spin on the old formula is what it is And we get to see that the previous female leader be smashed under a giant robot and her teeth broken out. Take that, Maya Rudolph. Yikes.

Done. So, yeah, he wins. Everyone's memory should have been erased. Yes. Oh, my God, what an year is? Oh, what happened? The prince is like, who were you? It's like fucking Twin Peaks?

Like, what year is this? And then someone just screams and it cuts to black. Yeah, absolutely. Beautiful ending for the emoji movie. Speaking of what year is this, I was workshoping a little idea on the way over here. Oh, nice. I was wondering if anyone would like to hear it.

Oh, sure. Now, how about the emoji movie set in the late 1970s? Because there were emojis back then. They date back to hieroglyphics. Oh, of course, right. Sure. As we now know. The smiley face, have a nice day.

That's your leading man. Okay. Oh, he's like their God. Exactly. Now, Kilroy was here. That's a dude. What? You ever see that?

Yeah. It's like, it's peering over a fence with a big nose. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Hang in there, Kitty. He's around. Yes, that's a person. Watching the poster movie.

Oh, the post. Okay. The poster movie. It sucks at Farrah Fawcett is dead. She would have been a good lead. You'd have to fight an awful lot of Bob Marley's and Albert Einstein's, I'll tell you that much. Oh, no, it's the Army of Pulp Fictions. Cabin, could you imagine if those two got together?

Oh, I mean, I also think that the main villain is going to be all the Arkham cartoons. Also, John Belushi in a college shirt. Yeah, that's the one. You get a scar face in there? How'd you get that scar tough guy for me? Too many posters? So now this is all taking place exclusively in like a college dorm. Yeah, exactly.

That's the idea. Okay. Yeah. We watched this. We'd watch that. Oh, we'd watch it all. Well, listen, if they can have those movies that are just like collections of trailers, you could just do like people looking at posters and then there's like narration over it.

That's an art house film. Yeah, I'd watch it. Isn't that Ready Player One? I didn't see it to be fair. That's a sack of turds for another day. Turd Town. I'm the man. No, so they wind up

and now Gene is the most popular emoji ever and everyone's like, gay, you're white, it's great. And they like leave him like, he's like the king of them and basically like they abolish the recently used room or whatever the fuck.

So the kid's really, this phone's really fucked up. Like this kid's phone is disease. They're calling the shots These emojis are calling the shots Yeah man I think that's what we're led to believe here It's sort of like teenagers Like their phones tell them what to do these days

Those kids are just in those phones No this is the beginning of Akira This is not And yeah Like that's kind of at the princess and he get together We do the emoji bop and we're the fuck out of there man And it's man Here's the thing I think

Hear me out on this No Is anybody in the next, like, a year or so planning on attending a wedding? Anybody going to a wedding, right? Aren't all the week? No, so this is, hear me out, right? I'm going to one on Friday, man.

Oh, cool. This might be a plan. All right, so keep your ears peeled. Okay. All right, no. Because there's trying so hard to shoehorn this dumb-ass dance from this movie, right? I started wondering, like,

fuck, are we going to be doing the emoji bob at wedding reception? Is it like the new electric slide? Like, is that happening? The answer to this is no. Steve started up, man. Oh, my God. Or it's at least shit to, like, hypnotize your dumb kids. Yeah.

Because they come out, and they're all lined up in a row, and somebody just goes, let's do the emoji bop. Yeah. Fucking don't name that shit. Just dance around with all your little smiley faces and beer mugs and hearts of different colors. And shut up. Emoji bop.

Dumb. But I just want to know if you go to a wedding and someone's like, let's do the emoji bob. Shove them. Just shove them. Shove them into the cake. I don't even care. Don't let it take off.

Even if it's the bride and groom, by the way. Especially. Yes. Yeah. Fuck them up. Make it a red wedding then. You know, stabber in the belly. Yeah.

That's when I watched. There's a stinger scene, right? A little bit. oh yeah there's like it's like a mid-cred which i wasn't able to watch because netflix doesn't allow you to watch fucking credits anymore it's like hey watch lemony schnicket let me finish the movie i'm watching hey do you like that movie you want something totally different the stinger scene i think is just like Maya rudolph is down in the room with all the reject emojis which that eggplant is still there come on no i think when that kid's

17 that guy's gonna be fuck you jean i'm the king oh right dude I'm the captain now. Yeah, that's a moji movie too, the usurper. Oh, yes. All right, we got another six eggplants going to Addy. Everybody get out.

Here comes the hand. It's going to scan you. What a stupid movie. What a stupid thing. It was a dumb movie. Stupid. I don't like it. But it did,

you have something that it did spawn, right? Oh, a little piece of journalism. Yes. You guys like learning things. This is something...

We usually, you know, like to read some correspondence from the internet movie database, right? This time, though, there was something that Chris Cabin found. The depths of the internet. This might have been why he was gone for a while. Let's see what it is.

So it's something reporting from therap.com. Headline, New Jersey man accused of masturbating at emoji movie showing. anyone else get turned on during that movie I don't know man that hand with a mouth

turned my phone on I'll tell you that cops are still on the hunt for a quote he's on the loose he might be they didn't get him hold on a second look around make sure no one is masturbating he might be here

the emoji bopper fuck yeah that's That's his name. Yeah. The emoji bopper is still on the loose. Says, he's bopping his eggplant, man. Yeah.

Oh, that's awful. Okay, ready? I just can't, and they got a picture. Oh, come on. Of the hand. And it's right after he's going to eat his own vomit. Yep, yep, yep, yep. That's not a mistake.

Yeah. Someone at the rap was having a little bit of fun with that. It's just gross. Now, I want to, we should, before we read this and thrill everybody. Okay. Because we got to start wrapping up. So we do want to thank you all for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. You've been awesome.

Thanks to the New York Podfest for having us. Yep. Thanks to this great place, the Abrams Art Center, by the way. I'm going to do a selfish plug really quickly. This place is operated by a larger group called the Henry Street Settlement. Full disclosure, my wife works here. And in this age, yes, cheer my wife.

Cheer her. She's not even here. Oh, what? No, she's here. No, no, but in the cesspool of our time, the Henry Street settlement is a place that is doing great work for this city. So check them out, henrystreet.org, I believe it is.

They're celebrating their 125th anniversary. So, shameless plug for the Henry Street settlement. Can I do another one? Can I just? Yeah, plug away. There's a little show called Alex Inc. We're all big fans.

It's about a... We're all very big fans. Zach Brath is in it. It's great. Okay. It's excellent. The writing is excellent. Now back to a grown man

masturbating at a children's movie. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is everybody ready? I don't know that I am. Police are currently searching. Currently searching.

For a man, accused of, quote, performing a lewd act, end quote. At a Friday, Howell, New Jersey showing of the emoji movie. The man described as, now, thank God they've opened the doors, a white heavyset man in his 20s or 30s. From New Jersey. All right. All right. You know what? Yeah, I'll sit right here, man.

I know where I was. Yeah, you watched this for the first time last night. Well, here I have an alternate theory. Even though I'm not the emoji bopper, I promise you all. Sure. Swarm! Swarm! It says a lewd act, but, like, it's almost impossible to sit through this movie and not do the jerk off motion.

with your hand. You know what I mean? Like, not actually masturbating. If you're in the front of you're like, ah, this fucking movie. And they're like, oh my God! A heavyset white man in his 20s and his 20s and 30s was accused of masturbating a ghost in a Howell, New Jersey movie

theater. I want a hard target search of every Cars 3, Coco, the breadwinner. Oh, God. All right. His 20s or 30s, was literally caught with his pants down. Thank you, the rap.

Oh, okay, all right. Then that's it. At Howell's Excape movie theater. Terrible name for a movie theater. It's Escape with an X as the capital, and then there's no E? Isn't an escape room and a movie theater? They lock you in and play the emoji movie on Loop,

and it's like, figure it out. You might die in here. We don't care. Excape cinemas. Well, if I'm going to die, I'm going to jerk off one last time. I don't know. Jail Blake breaks blue highlights.

Doing nothing for you? Not doing zero. I'm just checking, Steve. All right. So far, man. Shit's adding up. New Jersey News 12 first broke the news. Be proud of that.

Okay. According to a woman... Broke the news, by the way. We're sorry to interrupt this program. We have... news from the emoji movie. We'll get back to The Flash in a minute. It just keeps

getting worse, though. According to a woman watching the film with her children. Oh, man. The man was seated alone in the back row of the theater with his hands down his unzipped pants. Check the back row here.

Is everybody behaving back there? The theater's manager asked the man to leave per the witnesses complaint, and police are now searching for him. Big mistake, movie theater manager. You don't let that guy go. No. Oh, come here, sir. There's a free

ticket offer for you. Yeah, exactly. Right this way, it's in the manager's office, behind this locked door. Hey, you want to see the Star Wars movie a little early? Come in this room. Oh, I was going to jerk off to that anyway. Get right in there. Come in this room. Right. I thought that's what you meant.

That's what I, yeah, okay. You know what, dude, don't come in this room, come in this room. All right, get away from everybody. This is, I know you want to do it during the movies. This is the cum room. No, this is, no, it's a thing now. Sure. Only at Escape Cinema's.

Well, Excape with an X, that sounds like a strip club to me, man. Yes, dude, totally. Yeah. Ugh. Never want to go to this theater. Now, here I feel is where the author realized, well, there's not much of a story, right? Because we didn't catch the guy. We don't know who the emoji bopper is.

we don't have time yet to go over the air and say that he was a lone wolf and a lonely child who had a hard life all we know is that he had a lot of comic book t-shirts he was originally from the Bronx New York all right we get it everybody gets it well the manager approached him

the man just yelled figure it out no no all right so this is where I feel they're just padding this article because this is a detour not called for Uh-huh. So the last thing I said was police are now searching for him, right? In 1991, Peewee's big adventure actor, Paul Rubin's...

Come on! Was busted for masturbating in an adult movie theater. Totally unrelated events. Come on! Come on! What are you doing this man? Are they throwing Fred Willard in there, too, or what? No, Fred Willard's skating right by, just like he did IRL.

This is why Paul Rubin's does not have Google Alerts on. because every fucking couple of months somebody jerks off somewhere and it's like yep remember when you did that yes I do yes I do it would have been really bad here too because he gets the alert and he's like oh boy the rap and then he reads it

and he's like this article man masturbating an adult movie theater which also you get what you pay for. Apples and oranges, my friend.

With the Paul Rubin situation, man. But Fred Willard, you're right, though. He totally skated on it. He was just like, I'm an old man and I'm lost. They were like, right this way, a rich white guy. Do you know Christopher Guest? This isn't my living room? Like, yeah, we know.

I thought I was in a fake documentary. All right, that was bad, but this is way worse, according to this article. Yeah. The man was bold enough to pleasure himself during a family animated film with children in the audience. Insert gross

emoji here. Oh, my God. We have been We Hate Movies from New York City, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.