We Hate Movies - S8 Ep372: Episode 372 - Jason X (Live in Chicago)

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

Recorded live at City Winery in Chicago, IL On this week's Summer Vacation Live, the gang chats about the best worst fan film ever made, Jason X! Why couldn't they film even one, single scene outside? How much money are these space scientists actually getting for crates of standard def DVDs? And how do all these people, 400 years in the future, know this much about Jason Voorhees? PLUS: Kane Hodder— method actor?  Jason X stars Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, David Cronenberg, Jonathan Potts, Lisa Ryder, Dov Tiefenbach, Chuck Campbell, Peter Mensah, and Melody Johnson; directed by James Isaac. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Thank you for being a friend to travel down a road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party He invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be for me And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend

Chicago, what is happening? Well, what's happening? I didn't say anything. I don't know what's... Okay. We're trying to talk. I've been handed correspondence. Uh-huh.

You're gonna die tonight. It's about time, anyway. Oh, look at that. Us is Chuds. They ain't wrong, man. They ain't wrong. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska. Steven Siddak. And we are We Hate Movies from New York City. Thanks for coming out tonight. This is, I'll say, up front, a classier venue than we normally play. I feel like we should be doing like an acoustic set or something here. Somebody should have brought a guitar. Better clothes.

More than work. That's about enough of that. There we go. What we want. So, possibly. I don't know. This might be true. There are some folks out there who don't know why they're here.

And you could be like a future in-law meeting your daughter's fiancé for the first time. That dude's finished after this. You could be on a shitty first date. The guy already looks terrible.

So just really quickly, what we do, we are a podcast and that is, you could also call it an internet radio show, for those not in the know. that takes a bad movie, like the one we're going to talk about tonight, and just mercilessly makes fun of it for an indeterminate amount of time. Some moments. Yeah, so we make some bad impressions along the way, you know, strike out nastily at people will never meet.

We're going to promise you three good jokes, but that's it. And to be fair, this is going to be recorded, and, you know, people, it'd be nicer for the people listening to it in the future if you laughed at the jokes. So they really think about the people in the future Yeah, definitely The people in 20, what is it, 2455? Yes Yes

They're going to come down here and find a tape Well, not a tape, I don't know, what a hard drive? Find something Now here's a quick question though So new friends were meeting for the first time But the real question is How many of y'all are familiar with the show We run on the internet?

Okay, good to know Six, seven It's nice. Eight, nine. It's nice being amongst friends. I think it's one dozen. Just wrap it up like that, yeah. So the film in question tonight, Jason X.

From the grand year of 2001, 2002. Released in 2002, directed by a guy named Jim Isaac. Good for him. How many of you guys saw this before you knew this is what the show was going to be about? Okay. and how many of you watch it for the first time in advance of this show? Wow. How many of you did just realize that X was a Roman numeral for 10?

There's not a lot of fucking in this movie. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. When's Jason going to X somebody? Oh, shit, it's Jason versus Wolverine. Finally! Oh, I certainly hope that Fox and Disney by Warner Bros. so the X-Men can fight Jason

and not worry about global monopolies at all. Oh, and that's a good point. We were bought by Disney shortly before. Oh, that's right. We forgot to tell you. And Chris Evans will be here in the second hour of the performance. Yeah, I guess there can't be two Chris's.

Thanks for saying. You'll be leaving. Just trade out of Chris. That's all. Thanks a lot. He's like Wolverine, right? Jason, yeah. He can regenerate nonstop

and his government research facility made him whatever. They made him whatever. It's the same thing. It's the same story. Well, no, he's like dark magic, right? Is that how that works? Yeah.

By dark magic, do you mean gifts from the Lord God? Yeah. Because he gets his paranormal powers in a previous film. By lightning. A Wolverine? Yes. Oh, I don't know. Is that dark magic, too?

Probably. I mean, he was bored. No, he's a mutant, dude. Those are just gifts from nature. Wolverine, you're a gift. Both are filmed and take place near Canada. that's for sure oh oh absolutely this was crystal lake new jersey Canada this movie without question

this dude who wrote the movie his fingers were dripping with puteen as he was writing it that's how I write too that's weird that's sweet sweet gravy oh totally dude just dribbling all over the keys so this movie also I've been saying it on the air for a while as we plug the show endlessly but this I think is the highest budgeted and best fan film ever made. Yes. Because how else could this

script be written than someone who's just a super fan of this franchise and was like, you know it'd be great, if Jason just went to space. If Jason did Alien exactly, they just took out the xenomorphs. That's all they did. And Harry Dean Stanton. Yes. No point against

it. If HDS was in this movie, better movie by far. Of course. HDS could win in a lot of things. They'd be better movies. like, anything, literally anybody that he's not in. Although if you doubled up on Harry Dean Stanton in Paris, Texas or something, also awesome. Because then you'd be like, wow, this movie was great

with one Harry Dean Stanton, but then two came in. Okay, I got you a title. The Joy Luck Club. All right, maybe Harry Dean Stanton wouldn't really have much business in that movie. Probably not. Multiplicity with Harry Dean Stanton? Oh, yeah.

And the clones keep getting older. Yes, and they smoke more and more cigarettes. Sorry. It's just one with like the Homer Simpson file photo of 100 cigarettes in his mouth. So yeah, this movie is, it's like a what if, right? It's a fantasy tale from the hockey mess murderer. What if he was accidentally frozen or some shit? And then 400 years went by.

And then someone found him, or some shit. And then he went to space or some shit. Yes. That was the pitch. That was the elevator pitch, I think. That's the bar graph, yeah, for sure. some shits. Give that screenwriter a million dollars for some shit.

So, yeah, we open up, we open in hell. It's about right. But it's like hell is in his own brain. Oh, right? Because we eventually zoom out of hell and we see like the mad scientists resurrecting him. It's sticking shit in his head or whatever

that mass of garbage is. So hell is just a concept in your head, I think is what this movie say. It's not a real thing. It's a controversial opinion, yeah. It's just he was so crazy and twisted, you know? Makes sense. What's you called the mad scientists? As far as I know, they're just government employees.

What do you think? What do you think the government is? That was the point. Yeah, because there I... Sit down. That was the joke. Getting angry. Calm down. Because he dies, goes to hell, comes back because David Cronenberg brings him back, I guess, right?

So if you guys don't know who David Cronenberg is, he's like a really amazing Canadian filmmaker. Uh-huh. And it's the biggest, like, what the fuck are you doing here, man? Like, did your kid, like, get some DUI and you had to help him pay the fine? Yeah. This is a new Ferrari roll for him. Oh, yeah, he calls those Ferrari rolls? They paid him a Ferrari or amount of a Ferrari?

No, probably not. Maybe just, like, a really good salad. It's a down payment for a Ferrari. Oh, yes, yes. It got him on his way to a Ferrari. You go to a dealership, you hand him a salad. You're on your way. And then, you know, those are your salad days.

Well, I'm just saying, like, oh, nice, dude. I'm just saying, like, residuals from scanners, that's not like buying a Ferrari. That'll buy a Ferrari. Think about all the people that bought that in different formats, right? That's right. You know, laser disc, VHS, Betamax, and DVD. You're going to keep going? Blu-ray.

It's on Blu-ray. We open on the Crystal Lake Research Facility because it was a summer camp, and now, it's a scientific installation. Who, other than the Vorhees family, are they studying here? Just called the Vorhees Center for Madness. I don't know. No, I think it's a thing where they were like, let's just give up on this town entirely. Sure.

There's been, like, over the course of 30-ish years, like 300 people murdered, and we can't get to the bottom of it. So just, like, pave it over. Pave over that whole town. I like the idea of, like, you know, interviewing for a job. job there. It's like, well, you know, I did work for NASA for a short period of time. Now I'm going to study a dude

in a hockey mask. Just that one guy, though. Yeah, seriously. All I did was, you know, I screwed up the Challenger one time, and now... Wow, they hired that guy? Oh, shit. It's about time. They've had some time to get over

it. The guy that gave it a tune up right before it lifted off, yeah. The last thing that he was asked that day was, like, Are you sure you double-checked it? Got busted down to Vorees, dude. He's so fast. And now I work in New Jersey.

So, yeah, Jason's about to be frozen because they're like, you know what, dude, we've tried everything. Even hell rejected him, though. The last time we saw this character, he got sucked into hell. So this takes place in, like, 2010, and there is a line that, like,

we tried to execute him multiple times in 2008. I 100% do not believe they tried everything. Because what they didn't try was just turning him into a puddle of nothing. I'll like melt him down like Terminator? Or just like, you know how at the end with the shotgun, like just do that to his whole body. So 2008, you're thinking that was Obama's first act in office? Right.

Yep, we tried to electrocute Jason Voorhees and then we tried to hang him. And I actually led the firing squad. but I would assure you the economy is good and the state of the union is strong well you can't have a functioning democracy if some folks are running around hockey masks hacking people's heads off we are pardoning

Jason Voorhees he was unjustly unjustly done in by those lawyers and Obama the Voorhees deal was a disgrace who among us has not executed 300 people also I'd like to welcome my new secretary of education

Jason Voiz less corrupt surprising knows more about public schools too that was the craziest fucking part that was some wild shit oh wow they're buying it So their idea is like, all right, we're going to freeze him, right?

And the scientist is there, getting ready to do this, give him the old Walt Disney. Yeah, could I get the Walt Disney a little less off the top? All right, guys. That's the rumor with Walt, right? It's just the hell. Guys, Disney just bought the show, so why don't you scream? Fuck, fuck. So they're going to freeze this monster.

And David Cronenberg walks in. Oh, yeah, no, that monster was already frozen like 40 years ago. Yeah, yeah. This new monster, this masked monster, not the moustachioed monster. Yeah. And, yeah, so then David Cronenberg comes in, and he's like, uh, uh, uh, government research.

I'm with David Cronenberg on this. Really? And with many things. If, here's the thing. Steve was like, Spider was a good movie. If some guy has beaten every form of death, let's try and figure it out. You know what I mean?

Let's just sort of get behind there. Either A, we'll know that the devil exists, or B will cure cancer. The end game is Super Soldiers, right? It always is, everything leads there. But what exactly is this research and studying? All I see is then put a bag over his head. Well, that's the lead-up to the research, man.

Oh, of course, that's what you do. Every time you're going to study something, put a bag over it. The bag was because the security guard got nervous. He was looking at him. Oh, okay. Remember that actor comes up and gives that great line? He's like, try this on, you ugly motherfucker. Yeah, so they try to freeze him, and then what happens is he stabs his machete through the thing there.

Well, Jason's like a magician. Once you, like, that was that he needed. He needed some sort of like misdirection, and it's like, then everyone comes back and it's like, it's not, it's not Jason at all. It's the other guy, and everyone applauds. Wow, congratulations. Did you only say that because in the green room we were watching like an hour of a magic special hosted by Dean Kane?

Yes, entirely, yeah. We've got magic on the brain. And he wasn't on the premises either. He was green screened for most of it. And the reason none of you know what we're talking about is because you're outside on a Saturday, on a Friday night. That's the only time that shit airs. So, right, I forgot about the misdirection.

They pull the curtain off. It's actually this dead security guard. And then everyone there gives Jason a hand because they lose their limbs. It's so great. Dean Kane was like, this is the greatest trick I've seen all night. and like Jason does a little bit of Mortal Kombat Scorpion action

Get over here Yeah he gets somebody over here He does Kronenberg in fact as well Yeah and he's just He looks at the wound He's like couldn't it be a little more vaginal Yeah right

He gives it that I should be able to fuck that look It's okay Hey Jim give me a tape A VHS tape and let me see if I can do something With this If you don't get those crude jokes Watch the film video drone Yes which famously features a chest vagina

Yes, James Woods. James Woods is the chest of a vagina. It's a racist chest vagina. And so yes, a bunch of people die, and there's this one woman, lone woman at the facility who's like, it's not a good idea to study Jason. Sure enough, she's the last one alive,

and she locks him into this freeze box, right? Cryo chamber. And she's like... No, it's just a refrigerator. She kind of does like a Bugs Bunny where she, like, leans on it for a second? Like, that was tough. And then, like, right through.

And it's like, if I do that to Jason, I go, like, way over there. And this is where I'm taunting him. You taunt from a safe distance. Yes, that's right. See, I don't get how he uses this machete later in the film, because if I learned anything from Forged and Fire, is that there's going to be Nix,

there's good, the tang is all busted. Oh, you can't have a busted tang. Or at least there will be cracks that will be dangerous down the road. It'll fail the stress test. Oh, yeah, it's like, you know, a year from now he's not going to be able to kill some innocent teens. Exactly.

That's just going to break right off. You're going to have to build a new one, Jason. I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave the forge. Jason would totally win on that. You know why? Because one of the rare cases that it's not a sweaty, fat guy that's got to take a break from making this sword. That's my favorite part of that, Joe,

is when they, like, get really overheated and the medics come in. It is once an episode. It's like, you know what? If that is happening to you, maybe your career should not be making hot knives and swords. Jason's also the only one who's not making any Game of Thrones references. Thank Jesus. Yeah, he

can't read. But so the freezing process is engaged, and I think that this should just kill this woman, right? If that's the idea is like, you can't just freeze in a room, there's got to be other stuff going on, right? In Demolition Man, he's in that

cool gel, and then that blue magic comes and freezes him. Oh, is your problem that Jason wasn't nude when the freezing process began. He wasn't new and he wasn't like poured with silicon or whatever the hell. Where's that loop that's supposed to go all over me? I saw demolition

man. Hey Jason, I guess we're cellmates. I never thought years would be bigger. Wait a second. This rich guy released Jason Voorhees and now I have to come out to stop him. That's the crossover event of the

century. Demolition Man v. Jason? Totally. Yeah. He gets unfrozen again, but this time it's to fight Jason. Taco Bell.

Yeah, exactly. Boggle. So we cut to 2455, which is very far in the future. Oh, man, don't you wish you could sleep for 400 years?

Yeah. Every fucking day. Yeah. And the earth is a hellscape, which is going to happen next year, and then continue on 400 more years after that. And, yeah, so

the horniest group of scientist teenagers. Man, these kids are on this space shuttle for two reasons. To learn about science and do fuck. It's pretty great.

What happened over there? A little technical difficulty. You are listening in the year 24-55? Steve's microphone just disconnected for a second. it's back um so yeah they they come in they're all dressed like steampunks and they they find jason and they're like oh wow pretty cool you know good find for the day and he's like he's frozen if you'll indulge for a second oh please he's frozen like he was an old man yelling at

neighborhood kids because last we saw him he does the all that through the door right but when they find him he's like ah get off my lawn Well, it's just you want to strike a cool pose if you can. He doesn't know what's happening. Yeah, that's true. We'll get like one of those stances like with the sword like this. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah, one of those.

That's badass. Or like a cross-arm situation? No, I would have just gone for the Star Wars reference, right? Yes. My hands up. I think that's, yeah, if you're going to be frozen, man. Fucking Jason, killing someone while being put into cryogenic, like, freezing? That's his Han Solo moment.

that says I love you I know we're rather I know So in 500 years What you're found You want the guy to be like It's a human man Oh cool

Empire Strikes back Oh nice Nice There is a mention That these archaeologists Have previously uncovered A box A DVD

Oh that's fucking That is my favorite line Of this movie This guy goes Hey you know Whoever is supervisor Space Supervisor We found something awesome

And the guy goes Oh what It's not another box of DVDs, is it? Do you get it? It's 2002. We love DVDs. I think they just go around, like, the wastes of New Jersey, like back where, like, a garage sales were happening.

And it's like, oh, they found your house. And they find Jason, like, that's pretty cool. They find the lady as well. And Jason somehow cuts this dude's arm off. Because he falls over, like the mannequin falls over, like still holding the nose. Yeah, gravity cuts his arm off. technically, Steve.

Steve, it's comedy. Oh, I see. It's comedy. But in one swoop like that. Yeah. Just something being knocked over? Well, I guess his tane didn't break or whatever your knife swords are. Oh, Tang.

You know what? It would have to be a lightsaber for how this works. All right. Stephen. Oh, my God. But they colorize moving pretty quickly because there's like nanobots, which means, eh, we're making it up. That is the sci-fi cure-all, isn't it?

Have little bugs fix it. They'll just crawl around and then it's like, done. Did you see that on the Tribune how they said they lifted it from virtuosity? Oh, man. Nobody has ever lifted anything from virtuosity, ever. Except for that dope suit crows wearing, man. That purple thing?

I think he lifted it right off the set. Yeah. We're at home. I'm Fitts. I've never owned a suit that fits. I'm going to wear this to a wedding this weekend and ruin it. In more ways than one. Well, no, you'd ruin the wedding. I thought you meant ruin the suit.

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, during cocktail hour, it's just fucking stained city. That's the one thing who wouldn't give up in the divorce, by the way. Oh, no. It's his virtuosity suit. Absolutely not. He's not going to let that show. I will sell a jockstrap on the internet, but that virtuosity suit, nope.

And so they take them both aboard. And yes, this is when he called, we find out that there's a professor and a bunch of students. the professor calls his handler or contact who's this fucking meth head? Like, what? This is an odd choice for a guy to play the dean of students or whatever the fuck. He's like, I thought, he's like,

who's this, man? What? Yeah, you can't fucking sell me DVDs up in here for all day, man. Do you know what time it is, man? Yeah, that's the first line. This guy had, you ain't time in his room. I'm trying to sleep at all.

It's like 1 p.m., man, layoff. I just took my last hit, man. Why are you getting out before? But this is what he realizes that, he thinks that the lady's going to be the prize. He's like, oh, my God, we can bring her back. She'll be the oldest, you know, revived person ever. He's like, that's old fucking news, man. But wait, Vorhees, that's not Jason Vorhees, is it?

What are you talking about? It was 400 years ago! No way! People reference like Star Trek and no one gets it, so it's like New Jersey folklore has survived. Dude, I think it's just Jason Borey's in the fucking Jersey devil. Dumber. That's not Jeffrey Dahmer, is it?

Bring him aboard, man. Kaczynski? No, hold on. Is that Theodore Tammar? Ted to his friends, Kaczynski? Ed Keene, that'll get you 5 mil on the black market. But who is he going to sell it to,

Rob Zombie? Or 2455's version of Rob Zombie? Trevor Zombie. They're still making moderate to not great horror movie, yes. Yeah, I don't understand this notion that unfreezing a person is like a tourist attraction or something.

because the guy's like, hey, man, we stopped caring about that years ago. Sell that shit to Ripley's. Blow off. Ah, yeah. I got a box of DVDs and the incredible 400-year woman. Believe it or not. Is that Jack Pallets because he was Jason's roommate in hell? Oh, man. I've had the sweet.

to myself for a long time. Well, someone ate my yogurt. Listen to me. Jack Nicholson's a piece of shit. I told Nicholson I'd save a space for it.

Under my fucking bed. Can't freeze me. I'm too hot. So, yeah, the professor realizes very quickly that he's got a gold mine on his hand because of something, something he could sell this fucking murderer. Well, and it's pretty great, man. I got to tell you, there's not a lot of great special effects in this movie, except when this professor

gets those cartoon dollar signs in his eyes. It's a pretty neat effect. It's a good one. And so we're on this horny spaceship. The horniest. Because literally, they're reviving the woman in one room, the one that froze with Jason, and then they're also reviving Jason

or studying Jason in the other room and this one scientist lady and these two other people, a man and a woman, and they start like making out on Jason's corpse. Oh, yeah. And they're like,

oh my God, I bet he's hung like a fucking horse. And I'm like, this fucking disgusting blob? Dude, it is some necromanic shit, man. They say mammoth. So I'm wondering, did they find a mammoth and unfreeze it?

Did they bring it back? Oh, they must have. Like studied its dick? It's just ridiculous. that you're looking at this like puddle of jelly with a mask on. You're like, I want to how big that man's genitalia is. And they don't even look.

No, they don't. Show it. That should be like the sheet lift. Like just boop, you know. It's like really quickly. Yeah, I would settle for the reaction shot only, but I would prefer the full gory details. More cartoon dollar sign eyes.

We can sell this dick. So she's like, the lead is like, you know what, dude, just get out of here. and go, fuck. Because that's just something you could do at school, right? Yeah, that's, yeah. I'm too horny to take this test. Can I leave now? I'm far too aroused to take this test.

I mean, it works. They get out of class. They did. The guy's like, wait, are you serious? Yeah, you're in med school. You're dissecting like a baby pig, and you're like, I'm sorry, I'm just too ripped up here. Thank God you said pig, man. Don't want to give you a heart attack or nothing, there's. So, yeah, Jason does, these people are having sex. And I think the horny air is what revives Jason.

Yes. He's got like cock-block superpowers, right? Like, that's what it is. It's like those endorphins go right to him somehow. Because it's not just those two. There's like other people, we're cutting to all of these people on the spaceship. Yes. Who were in various stages of getting down.

And the body is, like, twitching on the table. Like, I can feel it. I could, people are fucking around me. I could feel it. I better stop this. I don't see any wedding rings. No, it's an affront to Jesus. I don't smell a single preacher in here.

Fuck. That's weird, though, man. There's an interesting sex scene happening. Yes. Throughout all of this. You guys are already laughing because you watch it already. and know what I'm going to talk about. This professor, right, he's like,

he's just, like, in his office, like, doing some work. Quickly, this professor looks like if William Shatner looked like he did now his whole life. Like, he's a younger version of it. Yeah, that's all right. Like, he was never handsome young Bill Shatner. He was always, like, this weird egg. California raisin.

So this professor's, like, doing some work, and the door opens, one of the students and she's like, oh, it's time for my midterm. And she holds up like a bottle of champagne. And the clamp. You're like, wait a second. That clamp can't open that bottle of champagne.

Yeah, we're not talking about the old, like, twisty clamp thing. Clamp. So she's like, tearing his nipple off in the next scene. Do you guys think, by the way, that this was like a stunt nipple, like a prop nipple? Wait, really? Really? Really?

Yeah, like it wasn't this dude's like this actor's nipple It was like a prosthetic Nip. They got Stan Winston in for that one scene That's where all the money went We need Stan for this one This one needs Stan, I'm sorry

All the other Jason effects, whatever We'll get like Savini's neighbor But this nipple We need Stan Winston Master Effects artist Yeah I went to Tom Savini's Barbecue once I picked up some stuff That's my resume It's kind of comforting that we're still

clamping nipples, you know There's not like this weird laser beam shit. Just some good old-fashioned handheld nipples. Exactly. It's nice. Right. We haven't gone full demolition man, Eric. That's a good thing. Or maybe we did, and then we went back.

We came back. We learned our lesson from the VR sex. Yes. Went back to his IRL clamps. So he's involved in this fetish play, and then he immediately gets back to being a professor. He goes into the other woman's room. Just like any professor.

Yeah, I guess that's true. Well, Steve, you've been doing this all day, man. You've got to do this dialogue that's your favorite line of the movie. Well, he's getting twisted. He goes, you, you pass. And Jason's like, that's it. Someone came. I'm getting up.

I am getting up. Fuck it. He's abusing his power. God damn it. He just wakes up. But, yeah, he goes, the best thing is, so he goes into this other woman's room, and he's like, look, by the way, we're not going to Earth One, that's gone.

We're going to Earth 2, which is just as nice. Oh, okay. End of story. Totally inappropriate reaction. Earth 2, huh? Well, see you later. Well, it's nothing. Oh, it's Burger King is closed.

We're going to go to McDonald's. Like, that's not how that works. It's like, I need a lot of follow-up. I've had a more upset reaction learning that a Burger King was closed than this woman does learning that she's 450 years in the future and Earth is dead.

I would almost prefer don't explain it all she's just like what what what happened and he's like yeah you know the oceans the earth they're dead whatever I need a Terminator 2-2 flashback sequence

that details all of it but just like from Crystal Lake's point of view is there some idiot wheelie robot roaming the lands now always like listening to Sinatra and picking up garbage is that what's happening that would even do man Wally versus Jason

that'd be pretty fucked up I think that little guy's got a chance. It shit, motherfucker. He would, Jason would fit perfectly in Wally because that little robot's trying to fuck that whole movie. Yeah, that's true. He's trying to find a friend, man. That he can fuck.

It's clearly in the subtext of the film. I think so, yeah. You guys are filthy, man. That's what I saw. Oh, shit, Disney Pixar. Are we okay? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, we can quickly mention that Pixar apparently worked on this movie or something.

Oh, yeah. This is why you always watch the credits to movies. Because at the tail end of Jason X, they're just crediting Pixar. That's a mystery that will stay a mystery forever. The last words on my deathbed will have something to do with that. I know it. I'm going to hold you to that five years from now. Optimist.

So Jason wakes up. He kills this lady. There's a lot. of head trauma in this film. More often than for other movies I feel for Jason, right? Well, because it's cheap. Yeah, it's a cheap, like, oh, my head. Well, he did punch a head off

in, what, takes Manhattan. Oh, yeah, he gets that boxer really good. That ain't bad. That's not, that's bad. There's some head stuff. But this is cool. She gets her face in, like, liquid nitrogen, and we have, like, the POV of her face freezing, and then he, like, smashes it on a sink. But the weird thing is something. It's a pretty good death

for the movie, you know? Like, there's not much here, but there's that. He wakes up at starts killing. He's not like, the future. You know what I mean? What year is it? Wait a second. Did you say Earth too? Yes.

Wait, is there a New Jersey, too? Well, you guys brought my mom's head with you, right? Last, I was underwater. Where are my fishy friends? Wasn't I in hell? Ah, the hell with it. He never contemplates his existence at all.

And that's a big problem for me. That's sad. You want a more introspective, Jason? Yeah, like, I want him to go into a room where, like, they're playing, like, the last 200 years of history and, like, a single tier escapes the hockey mask. I've missed so much. You animals.

You blew it up. Yes. You did it. That's a great idea. Jason on the planet of the apes. Yeah. You know what? Put him in all the Heston rolls, honestly, up and down the boardwalk.

Touch of evil? Silent greatest people. And it's good, I love it. Ten Commandments, look, no fucking, seriously. Right here. That's regard number six, but the rest is true. Michael Moore, I'm not talking to you anymore. But Mr. Vorhees, the machete has killed so many.

Mr. Voorhees, Mr. Voorhees, you can't leave me. Mr. Voorhees, Mr. Voorhees, Mr. Voorhees, Mr. Forhees. Well, that's a successful interview tactic where you make someone leave the room and you've won. It worked for Marin and Gallagher. It's true. Come on, Jason. Oh, right, you're that guy that killed those kids. Oh, shit, I saw that.

I could haunt people in their dreams, Mark. I could do what Freddie Kruger does. Kruger also kind of had a talk show in one bit. I could call that. Just like Gallagher wanted the talk show himself. Well, that's a question. Is Freddie Krueger now gone from all of this? You know what you think so?

He has to be. R.P.D. So, yeah, I guess he wouldn't go 400 years in the future to outer space. Well, because all the kids on Earth One are dead. Right. Because he's like central to, what, Springfields? Springwood. Springwood.

Yeah, Illinois. He's a Simpsons character. You all love him. Anywhere Canada. Except for that documentary, the trouble with Freddie Kruger. The trouble is he. kills kids. So I guess since all the kids in that town are dead and it's

scorched earth, that's it. Yeah, now he's just gone. Actually, that's a great question, though. Popular horror franchises go to space. This, Lepricon. Hellraiser. Hellraiser's been there all the time. Yeah, they've dabbled in space a couple times. Who's in space? Hellraiser. Hellraiser. Oh, yeah. I dip around

in space. Somebody just say critters, they're correct, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, they're from space. Yeah, they're Christ, yeah. I'm sorry, what? Christ, oh, I thought he said Christ. I thought that guy right there was like, the Critters are Christ. I think he's on to something because Jesus Christ, come on.

That's alien, cross the board. Populate among us, I mean, yeah. Jesus Age Critter. I see that bumper sticker. Yeah, there is something there. But yeah, so he wakes up and he starts immediately just kind of plowing through. The middle of this movie is soggy with like a bunch of Marines. that have to get killed.

Man, just a unit of dead meats. That all die in the same, like, three minutes. Yeah. Not good, like, spacing out your kills screenwriter. They haphazardly spliced alien with Jason, and this is all the alien shit in one chunk. Yeah, it's like a vignette almost. Yeah.

They should actually splice him with a xenomorph so we could get, like, a Jason queen. Oh, that would be awesome, dude. It's like... I'm into that. He's like... The hockey mask, like, flips up, and it's like a little other Jason face

and it spits acid at him. How cool will that be? Or it's Sigourney Reaver in Alien Resurrection. He tries to cut off her head. He's like, oh, it's a woman. But, uh-oh, acid, right? Acid. Oh, right?

Oh, yeah. Sick, right? Yeah. Rewatch Alien Resurrection. You'll get the joke. It's real easy. It's asking a lot of people. But he starts killing everybody.

The thing is, like, the professor is like, hey, man, I want you to keep this guy alive because he's worth a lot of money to me. Guillermo del Toro 16 and Rob Zombie 41 are going to bid against each other. Manson? Is that Charlie Manson? Yeah, leave him. Trump Jr. Is that Donald? Trump Jr.? Oh, wait, what? That was a mistake.

You meant Eric? Now, fuck. Jettison. Jettison. That's the solution to the Jason problem, Wade. Due to Jason what we did to Star Trek actor James Duhan, launch his body. into space. Well, at a certain

point, like, they keep shooting at this guy and it's not working. Like, if I tried to kill Andrew with a water gun and he just brushed

it off because it's water, I wouldn't keep shooting him with a water gun. I'd figure out some other shit. He'd get all wet. But let me ask you, what if, like, the fifth one does it?

It never does it. They keep shooting him, and he's like, raw. Okay, okay, but what if, like, the 12th one does it? They need to airlock

this guy out of here. Yes. Just, yeah, leave him, like, just make him space garbage. instead he very quickly kills all these people

and like it's all really lame like it's a crack of the neck there's a slit throat the best one is a dude falling on a giant screw well that's a legit mortal upper cuts the guy and he falls

and then the some other guy you didn't even know his hair goes toasty and runs away it's weird because he jumps like right into the camera frame and then comes right back out you didn't see him happen

well the other thing is there's a holodeck on this on this shit It sure is. Oh, man. How cool is this? You just cut to these two guys that are in a room with a lot of scaffolding. There's a lot of scaffolding on this space station anyway. Because here's what you do, dude. You get like a little warehouse room, right? You put a black curtain, like a huge black curtain all over the place.

And then you get that scaffolding in, boom, holodeck. Oh, I see. Cheap as fuck holodeck. That's how everything is in this movie. It's just black curtains with some, like, you know, fake metal around it. Yeah, do you have blackout curtains in trash? There you go. got yourself of a holiday.

Wow, I feel like I'm in space. Welcome to the final frontier. We should say, though, the two people that are in this holodeck are the screenwriter. Oh. A bald-headed fellow who put in a lot of references to EverQuest for some reason. Well, now you have to unpack the EverQuest stuff. So first of all, does anyone remember what EverQuest was? Okay.

All right, not enough people. Eric explained. Well, it was a massively multiplayer. Online RPG, right? Fantasy-based. That's a lot of words. And I'm sure everyone here agrees Ultima Online was better.

Someone booed! Someone had an opinion about online things from the 90s. Yes! Yes! So apparently what happened is this dude had like a clan or a guild in this...

He had a bunch of buddies he met online and he named all the characters in his movie after his buddies from online. Like Rowan and freaking... Waylon. Israel? Do you think that he left those all the surprises and he was like, hey, online

buds, I wrote the new Jason movie, you have to go to the theater. Trust me. And then one by one when they named him, it was like, oh boy! That one's named Asriel just like me! Well, he's not poning nobs.

That's not what I would do. I hope one of these guys yells Leroy Jenkins and runs into a room. Okay, so what were you getting at, Chris? And then the other guy is Chris Farley's bully from Tommy Boy. Oh, the little kid, yeah. Well, that's a deep fucking pole. Holy Lord.

He got his arm cut from Jason to start, and they nanobotted back. You could lose a couple of pounds, blimp! I love that. And he winds up, so Jay, like, they're fighting some goblets. I think this might have been Pixar. This, the space. I mean, if you look at the paper trail of this movie, this is, like, the only clue as to what could be Pixar.

Yeah, these are, like, obese dragons or something. Yeah. Or maybe they just, like, Pixar gave them a card table they weren't using anymore. And they're like, oh, Pixar worked on this movie. No, dude, I think what it was was, like, one of the, like, VFX artists, like, they owned or, like, rented an office space, like, kind of a couple doors down from Pixar. And one person was working late one night, like, they went out to get a snack at the vending machine. And then they came back in, it was, like, two o'clock in the morning,

and raining and he got locked out and he really had to go to the bathroom and some dude at Pixar let that guy use the bathroom and he's like prudgingly by the way all right this is going to cost you one special thanks in your Jason

credits you know it's really nice in there like really nice they have mints it's like Pixar nice mints in the toilet wow so when you drink out of it it tastes better yeah

Jason kills these people he baines one of he breaks him over his knee, which is pretty fun, right? Yeah, that's Azrael or whatever that he's named is. Oh, yeah, but yeah, he was poned like a noob, unfortunately. This is that I don't get, though. I want to describe this character to you guys as Azrael. He's, like, portrayed as kind of like a nerdy guy.

He's got, like, super long, like, kind of terrible white guy dreads. He's got, like, kind of baggy. He's, like, sort of dressed in, like, a Jimmy Hendrix Halloween costume, right? But then there's another dude who's just, like, this militant dude, and that guy's name is Stoney.

How do you fuck that up? It doesn't make any sense. It's so obvious. Somebody just didn't call cut. Like Stoney wasn't Stony. Like, oh, whatever, we're going on. It's just Jason X, man. It's the 10th one.

Cronenberg needs these cameras back, so. Just keep going. Cronenberg needs his rec room back. I mean, you know this movie could have been... I baked cookies. Thank you, Mrs. Cronenberg. We're almost done down here. Do you boys need juice?

Get out! They rented your black curtains! This movie could have been improved if they shot anything outside once. Just once. Just make it a parking lot. We get a shot of the planet where Earth won where it just looks like Constantine Hell. Yes, it does.

Someone saw Constantine. That's the guy. So he kills all these Marines and everyone's like, oh my god there's Jason on board and it's like well we're going to go to this space station Solaris they'll take care of them don't worry about it's going to be cool man but then Jason kills the pilot

and kind of does 9-11 to the space station a little bit it's pretty crazy and you know what's really fucked up about it is we described this earlier in our episode on the New Blood Jason when he's taking Manhattan in the weird timeline because they

jump ahead with Tommy Jarvis since like the 80s forever yeah it was 2,000 won. So he saw 9-11 happen, and then he replicated it. Yeah. I think it's just doubly fucked up. That's all. It's pretty crazy.

When you ask him about it, he's like, yeah, I was there. I saw people cheering in Jersey City. It happened. They were on rooms. I saw it. Oh, he's terrible. So, yeah, he blows up the space station just by driving into it. It's made of gasoline, this

Space Station apparently. Yeah, it was a gas-powered space station, dude. It's like, it goes up immediately. It's kind of a pretentious thing for the screenwriter to name the Space Station Solaris. You get on there, I'm imagining, like, this atmospheric Russian science fiction film.

It's a very quiet, meditating on, like, this dude's dead wife, and they're like, is that a serial mass murder or about to ram that space station right into us? Where's my wife? Where'd she go? Dude, I'd love Jason Vorty's in a Solaris

remake. Awesome. And he's just speaking Russian for some reason? Stephen Soderberg, if you need a project. Salaris, too. Oh, I forgot about the remake. You see Clooney's butt in that. Or what about Jason in gravity, right? I mean, like... Oh, by the way, Clooney's butt is out of this world.

Oh, man. Is he because it's in space? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. We're just going to move. move on from that. So, like, hundreds, this is the thing. This is where Jason really ups the kill count.

Like, we're told that he's killed, like, over 200 people. What do you? I mean, like, the Enterprise can hold, like, a thousand, right? Like, there's, like, thousands of people dead. There looks like a resort was down there. Oh, that's where you went on space vacations from Earth, too? Yeah, of course. Show me the inside of that, by the way.

Like, a family in a pool. Oh, yeah. There's a big, like, glass ceiling or something. It's just like somebody's proposing to their wife, like, what? Boom. But, like, this is, did you think he gets a rush? Like, oh, my God, I just got so many more souls. Holy shit.

Massive combo. I think I'm going to like outer space. Oh, that should be the line, right? That's the only time he talks in the franchise. I think I'm going to like space. Yeah. He kills everybody on a Star Destroyer. And then he just, like, looks out and just like,

man, Jason and Star Wars. Oh, we already talked about it. that stupid Jason he knew how to use that machete right away what a merry sue that piece of shit could use that machete right away with no training montage oh my god I'm gonna remake Jason X

with somehow more money than they actually had making Jason X I mean how long does it take to get Earth 2 it's a plot hall oh man remaking that movie man With Jason Voorhees, now we can do it. Now you can do it.

Oh, before it was a futile gesture, but now it's not. Now it would be something I'd watch on YouTube for 15 minutes before I close out. I think it was always that. It'll always get like a half-luck. Like someone handing him a machete and he just tosses it behind his back. It would be awesome. Jason just milking that huge thing. Oh, yeah, just drinking all that milk.

Like the holes in the hockey mask is just. spewing milk back out. That's the only way to make that scene more disgusting. This is my best friend. Her name's Fran. That would be pretty great. Oh man, him hanging out with those frog people. So, yeah, now we're like, oh my God, Jason's loose,

and the professor gets it at this point, right? The professor who you thought was the main character, but he's not. Which I'm all right with. Yeah. Let that guy go. He stinks. But he's, like, killed, like, all. off-screen.

He deserved an on-screen. The people that you want to see murdered so badly never get the on-screen death. It's so unfair. Like the trailer line too, right? Like the machine, oh, he wants his machete back? Yeah, he thinks he's bartering with Jason. Big mistake.

You sure you want it back? I mean, the tang is kind of ruined. It's got all these cuffs on it. It's totally worthless. I mean, you can have it just to throw away. We have a lot of masks, actually. I mean, you want a lot of masks. Oh, we find out that hockey is outlawed in 2024. Six more years of hockey.

guys, enjoy it, I guess. Soak it up, Blackhawks fans. That's it. That is it. It's one of those dumb future lines that they put in movies like this. What is this thing? And they're like, oh, they're looking at his hockey mask.

Like, oh, maybe it's something to filter that bad air that was going on back then. And the guy's like, no, it's a hockey mask. No, just like new sports become popular and overtake them. Like, at that point, it would just be like, what, throwing a severed head back and forth between two people? Oh, yeah, Apocalypse ball. But then, like, yeah, the robot says something about, like, oh, a contact sport banned in 2024.

Oh, we should, there's a robot. Oh, wait, we forgot to tell you guys, there's a robot. And guys, little secret, this robot? I think everyone's so relieved. They're like, they're not going to talk about the robot. No. I can't believe they forgot the robot. I paid all this money.

For those who don't know, this robot is sexy as fuck. don't worry that robot's sexy as fuck and this guy's doing his best to pretend he's not having sex with this robot oh the creator yeah right buddy yeah right he's talking to this robot like all the other people are like yeah you want to fuck that robot and he's like no I don't he turns the robot and he's like I like you just the way you are and I was like you're fucking that robot if you want to put to bed any any ideas that you might be having sex with your robot design it to look like Bob Hoskins.

And then everyone's like, got it. All right, cool. That guy, no, that's a totally professional male robot relationship. I thought I was kinky with the clamps, but Bob Hoskins, okay. Weird. There's a scene...

Roger. Oh, ew. That's just what the Bob Hoskins sex robot says all the time. Like, Roger, Roger, Roger. That's disgusting. I'm sorry. There's a really gross... Take him to the holodeck and then you get

Roger Rabbit in there with him. Oh, shit, dude. The three way you always wanted. Exactly. Since I was a little boy... No, Eric! Eric! Eric Siska!

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not ashamed. Oh, Lord. Oh, is it over yet? I'll tell you, though, there's another gross thing that happens with that. Sure.

This dude is, like, modifying his creation. And it just cut to this poor woman wearing, like, fake nipples. It's, like, a set of, like, fake breasts, and she's got these nipples on. Like, what do you think? And he goes, I don't know. I kind of like you just the way you are. And then these two nipples fall off. Like, that's the joke, right?

Which, it's, like, you built, like, this fully functional sex robot. You can't put two fake nipples on breasts? That's the easiest part. You've got the eyes. You've got, like, all sorts of stuff going on. It's got, it's sentient. That's pretty difficult. Like, oh.

And he's like, I don't know, magnets for the nipples. Guerrilla glue. That was outlawed in 2024. But it's just a testament to, like, people not giving a shit making this movie. Those two nipples fall off. And the way you know that they, like, hit some sort of surface. It sounds like a pile of change in the floor. Like, these two nipples fall off, and it's like a wave of quarters.

fall on a table. Jason's somewhere like, I feel like I'm in Atlantic shitty. You know, it's a great Android because you can also return bottles in it and then the coins come out. Pretty great. Oh, there's recycling in 2455?

There better be. Nice. We're recycling all sorts of stuff, like bodily fluids and whatnot, probably. Once they thaw out Ted Kaczynski, there won't be any recycling. Oh, that's right. He thought it was fake. He famously thought it was fake.

What was the other side of that argument? Like, where were all the bottles? No, it's not. No, no, no. Right. Sure. What was his, like, theory as to where all the bottles and cardboard boxes were going? Oh, good question.

Yeah, you don't know, do you? Garbage Island. Yeah. The government, period. Yeah, exactly. Who knows what they're doing with that stuff? Exactly. Yeah, so, like, the professor's dead

And now, like, we're kind of running around The robot gets at some point souped up, right? Like, basically, like, this guy... She gets Matrixed. Yes. Yeah, it turns out this screenwriter saw The Matrix a couple years before writing this movie Because she's just dressed like Trinity from the Matrix

Almost entirely. I think the only thing that's missing is cool sunglasses. Oh. And smart. She has, she has bullets on her thing here. No grenades. That you don't want to wear a grenade. You can't wear grenades, you guys.

Very smart. When you're getting your next bandolera thing on and whatnot, leave the grenades at home. It's so easy. Somebody just pulls it. Some mischievous person will pull the pin and it's still there and then you're fucked. Still bullets, by the way, you know? Yeah. Where are those going?

It's 2455. Not a lot of lasers in this movie, big problem. You don't have to, you know, just give me a little blast of lasers, a little bit, something. I don't know. Or, like, I don't know if you should just be firing wildly on a spaceship. I don't know. Also a good point. Sounds like a bad idea, right?

Yeah, that's true. Like holes in the hall and what. Yeah. Oxygen levels and what have you. That might be a problem. Yeah. So she like beats the shit out of Jason because she's a robot. And Jason's just like, wow, well, this is amazing. He's hard as a rock.

Oh, someone's finally getting me. This is what it's like to feel. I think it's because he's just so shocked that she's a synthetic life for him. He's like, wow, robots. You know, what do you think? In the 1980s, when I started this whole gang up, you know, this little mom-and-pop operation of cutting people's heads off, I never thought I'd meet a robot.

I've been to hell, but I didn't meet a robot there. Only met Jack Palance. I feel like the robot from the original Lost in Space series isn't hell. Oh, no. Probably. Yeah, that dude. Dude, it's like the 60s, man. That's actually a fucking fantastic question.

does artificial intelligence wind up in hell or heaven, right? Hey, here's a question, Mr. Data, when you finally die. Will you go to human hell, or will you go to a fucking scrap heap robot? I am going to unplug you for quite a time. Tell me if there's hell. First, you have to do these crimes. And don't sing that song from that fucking Futurama episode. No, no, Mr. Data, no.

tell me if IG-88 is down there. That robot definitely went to hell, dude. Definitely. Yeah, I mean, he did double-cross Boba-Fet. Dude, Haley Joel Osbitt, little AI, that thing's in hell. Oh, definitely. That thing is in fucking the deepest dark. Not only is he at the bottom of the sea for eternity, he's also in hell.

Also the bad BB8 from Last Jedi. Oh, right. Or that rotten piece of shit? Definitely in hell. Or BBB-8. What was that? B-B-B-8. That was what it was called?

No, I don't know. No, it had an actual different name. Of course it did, because it's got to have a toy. You need a name to have a toy. They all have toy. Oh, what? Wait. No. No, you're lying to me.

Whatever that was, you're lying. BB 90? BB 9E, I heard. 9E? Yes. Nice. We pulled 300 people. No, so she starts like a very intense.

challenging off Jason's limbs. And it only took, like, ten movies to have someone figure this shit out. And she blows his fucking head up. That's the easiest way to do it. Get a grenade, open up, and swallow. That's the end of it. See, then the grenade would have been in handy.

Well, yeah, but no, you didn't have to, like, actually have it on you all the time. See, that's why he wears the hockey mask so people don't put grenades in his mouth. It's my one weakness. It's my holy water. Grenades in my mouth. I would just love that.

It's just like some sexy teen, just like, hockey match. But this is like, it's reminding me, though, of like one of the biggest disappointments with this movie. You're like, oh, cool, Jason in space. What awesome, cool future space shit could happen. And it's just a shotgun. There's no lasers.

He's just beaten by a shotgun. And he's dead. He kind of falls on to this earlier. we kind of find this regeneration table with the nanobots and nonsense and like, uh-oh, guys. I don't think Jason's dead at all. I know there's 35 minutes left of a movie called Jason X,

but that guy looks pretty fucking dead to me. They should have just cleaned it up immediately, thrown it out of an airlock, you know? They just, it's like, it's one of those like, and that's the end of that. And they leave the room. College students, man, always messy. They put like a piece of paper.

over and it just says, like, out of order. Like, that'll do. That's where this fucking ghost monster can stay. Those were Obama's follies. Not forcing Merrick Garland onto the Supreme Court, and not dismembering and separating Jason. That's true.

We just left him in a cold room. That ought to do it. He certainly was bleeding, so he must be dead. We're going to get all his pieces back together, folks. He will come back together. So he is being regenerated through this, like, nanotechnology.

And this is when we get Uber Jason. And I say Uber Jason, because Kane Hodder is doing a dual role. Oh, man. Because the first credit in the movie is Jason and Uber Jason. Like you're Daniel fucking DeLewis. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

To the untrained on, uh-huh. That's just the same dude lumbering around. But that is through the mastery of Kane Hodder's performance, dude, when you really break it down. Because, like, Jason walks around like this, right? That's right. That is the walk that we've known for nine movies. Oh, that's Jason.

But now Uber Jason walks around like this. Whoa. It's a whole different thing. It's a different character. Two talents. Two talents. I can't believe that was the same guy. Yeah, no, I know.

Dude, he's like a fucking master of disguise, man. Wait, is that Kane Hodder? Wow. I heard Kane Hodler, like, goes method. He walks everywhere. Like, he walks to the store. Shit. Yeah, like, he uses those legs in real life.

That's crazy. He's also killed hundreds of people. Yes. Incredible mass murderer. Uber Jason looks like a Ninja Turtles figure you got, and you're like, who the fuck is this? Like a villain you never heard of? You're like, oh, thanks, Mom, Uber, Jason.

Oh, I guess I missed that episode of the cartoon. No, it would be like, like the crank body if it was remade today. Oh, nice. That's kind of what he looks like. Because he's got this bulging brain shift going out. Jason, I've given you unlimited technology. Another awesome

crossover, guaranteed. That would totally fly. But the nanobots fix his eyes, which is actually kind of sweet. I think he should his heart should melt at that point and be like, oh my God, you've restored my sight. And now I see what I've been doing. I just been trying to find, hold a wall because I'm fucking

blind. Hold on. Hold on. How can I help you, kids, get home? It fixes his brain and his voice. Wow, I can, oh my God. What have I been doing? Maybe the nanobot should fix his brain, right? I would think that that would be a good idea, yes. Wow, kids, we all know that teenage abstinence is bullshit.

So I'm going to actually educate you about what to do to have safe sex. Safe premarital sex. This is the new Jason. I'm Uber Jason I walk like this Instead of a machete Here is a banana I will show you how to put a condo on

That'd be pretty Uber of him That's for sure Or Uber Jason Your Jason is arriving in five minutes Oh Jason's on his way Oh okay I don't understand it I make sure the race

is low, the air conditioning is high, I don't talk to them, and somehow my ratings are in the toilet. It has to be my physical appearance. In two minutes, your grave will be on the right. So he's Uber Jason now, and that means he's like half-metal

and he looks stupid. But also, I got to tell you, this is another blown opportunity for the people who made this movie. Because unlike that trailer, when you see Uber Jason and it's like the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the

I think that got the audience pumped by the way oh yeah see how crazy you guys got dude I think that's a timeless it's a timeless song at this point it's totally timeless song it's a classic

it's that in eight days a week right there there is not a note of new metal in this movie And that's disgusting. Disgusting. That is disgusting. What a missed opportunity. It's false advertising.

It's all over that goddamn trailer. And it's all terrible, too. It's like the E.T. score. It's all like happy jittery shit. Like da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's very unbecoming of a Jason film. But to your point also, it's false advertising because like Uber Jason's in the trailer.

And there's like maybe five minutes of Uber Jason. Like, come on. That's got to happen. Like when he goes to space, now he's Uber-Jason. My top's one body hits the floor. No growl, no nothing like that, just one. Look, it's me, Kane Hodder, I'm reading the script. There's way too much Uber, Jason,

and that's just far too draining on me, both physically and mentally. You've seen what I have to do to make that walk happen, right? I go home every day, my knees are just broken like the Undertaker. It is hell playing two characters. Maybe that's part of it, right? Two credits, two paychecks. Oh. Jason X starring Kane Hodder.

and Cain Hodder and Eddie Murphy oh man him cutting up the clumps or Pluto and Ash that's yeah that's correct oh right Eddie Murphy did go to the space that's right

pretty cool that movie Pluto Nash is pretty cool then he would murder Jay Moore that'd be fun oh my God What did Jay Moore steal your girlfriend? What the fuck was that? That guy just really hates Christopher walking impressions.

He sees Jay Moore come on a talk show. He's like, you better not! I will tweet so hard if you do that. No new middle. Uber Jason is not able to be taken down, right? The robot lady, she's like, I've got a cool, sexy outfit on, oops, now I'm dead, right? Like, everyone's pretty much fucked and, like, they do airlock them at this point.

Is that how that works? Well, there's like a, oh, wait, they trick them on the holodeck at one point. Yeah, that's coming. They suck them out into space. They blow up a bunch of shit. They're, like, separating the ship because there's another ship coming. Who cares? And, like, Jason is, like, moving around through space, like a fucking ballerina.

Like, he just knows exactly how to do this. He's very nimble, man. That's why he could have been a real help in gravity. Oh, that's right. Sandy Ketch. Or space cowboys. Oh, also or space cowboys. Just put them all out of their misery, please.

If Jason was there, Tommy Lee Jones wouldn't have had to fall asleep on the moon forever. Oh, spoiler alert for space cowboys. Apologize. Sorry, everybody, for that 18-year-old movie. Oops. He's killing everyone that's remaining. He kills George Clooney in gravity.

He kills Tommy Lee Jones at Space Cowboys. Kills George Clooney again in the Solaris remake. He swings. over to the Armageddon asteroid kills off Bruce Willis. Thanks. Yeah, man, that'd be pretty cool. Affleck's character is like, got it. That would be a brilliant move by Jason

because then he could claim like the entire Earths as a body can, like everyone on Earth. Oh, right. It'd be great when the comet hits at the end of them. Oh, right, with their mission. Yeah. In Armageddon. Yeah.

I forgot about that. So he winds up he winds up coming back to the station punching a hole into the space station and at this point it's another trailer line or is it the woman who's like trying to save her own life

as she's about to get sucked out she goes this sucks on so many levels and somebody laughed somewhere did they did they Steve who did it? I don't know tell me who they did or maybe that was like

an EverQuest in joke that we didn't get oh because EverQuest sucks oh there's like a ton of like EverQuest Easter eggs like just drained or triple-throat the movie there? That whole cult or crew or whatever you call those people.

They're a team. It's a team. They're a team of friends. So she, I mean, and this is a rip-off of Alien Resurrection, which is a movie I'll keep talking about. Did you just watch it recently or something? No, it's just a pretty okay movie. But yeah, she gets sucked out through like a great and like

another missed opportunity right here for like anything. Yeah, literally anything to happen. Because the way it works is like she let's go over the great she has that line I hate this where it's like I'm making a joke right before my horrible death no way man no way

it's not great it's not telling my mother I love her it's like whoopsie doodles and just goes right out and she might as well just look right dead at the camera and go but then you see her sort of like fly back and we see the hole and you're like okay cool like maybe there'll be a couple seconds of her

like pinned against the wall or something like that it just cuts to like great again, and there's like hamburger meat all over it. Chicken skin, flapping out there. Boys, who took my hamburgers for dinner? Oh, shit, it's Mrs. Cronenberg. Wait, wait. It's only been on the floor for five seconds, right?

Well, my word, I was going to cook dinner for you, boys, but this is gross. What kind of movie are you making? Have you seen your son's movies? My son makes what? how old would she be dead 225 no it's actually

David Cronenberg in a dress like psycho right oh spoiler for psycho sorry guys sorry I apologize but here's a question

Andrew because you mentioned like making jokes at your own demise I think that's bad but I think it's also bad to make jokes about your friends

very recent demizes like one dude the guy that gets killed on the pipe on the screw thing one of the Marines, like, wow, he's screwed. And that's the exact delivery. The actor got paid $5,000 to say.

Do me a favor. After my eventual heart attack, don't be like, wow, I guess his heart really hated movies. No promises there, man. That's a good line. I got to take that. I hate movies so much, I'm going to murder the thing I'm inside.

I'm going to murder my own vessel. I hate movies that much. Yeah, you're right, that would be a stupid line and it would be mean to say about it. It would be very mean, it would be very, very intense. It's going to be going through my head the whole time. Don't forget it. We're still going to do it.

As at Boystamand, end of the road is playing at my funeral. You're just kind of chuckling at yourself? Little known secret about Steve Sadek. He has every beat of his own funeral plan. Oh, yeah, man. Every last detail, what we have to wear to it. It's coming up. He's very particular about the wreaths.

We've got to say this is our farewell tour. So she's ground chuck. Yeah, and at this point, they're like, well, we have to, there's a bunch of nonsense going on. There's like a space EMT. It's like, yeah, I could pick you guys up. And he's on his way, but like they have to distract Jason for a while. This is when they use the holodeck yet again.

And they're like, oh, run Crystal Lake Protocol? What are we talking about? Crystal Lake is the only town anyone talks about it's so far in the future. Oh, right. It's really significant for some reason. Talk about former cradle of civilization, Crystal Lake, New Jersey. And, yeah, he, you know, this is when he's like, it's amazing. Like, he's just, he does, for a second, taking the wonder of it all.

He absolutely does. But this is, okay, we were talking about how it's, like, totally filmed all on cheap sound stages. Sure. This is your chance. This is your big shot to go outside. You need a lake, you need some grass, a tree, the sun. Go outside. It's a fake green screen that they use for Crystal Lake.

It's awful. Oh, it's raining out. I guess we have to use Mrs. Cronenberg's garage again. Now I told you, boys, I'm tired of taking the tarp off that station wagon. Get out of there. This poor woman. It's poor fake woman. I think he actually had a mother.

No, I just mean this, like, fake. creation. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Barbara Cronenberg. So, like, he's like, oh, wow, he's in Crystal Lake again, and, you know, but he realizes very quickly that it's a simulation, so he starts walking towards the simulators, and they're like, oh, quick, let's make some fake campers for him to kill.

And this is, like, very self-aware bullshit, which I just kind of don't need. Because I think they have the previous films on a DVD box set somewhere. They're like, oh, wait. Now I know who this guy is. We saw all those movies and the last treasure chest we got. Treasure deck. Dude, standard deaf DVD was so huge in 2002.

It was. It might as well be a treasure chest, man. But that's what that meth had did. He took those DVDs, though. For sure. He was pissed, but he still took them. Well, because you can move standard deaf DVDs in 2455. 300,000 copies of Mask of Zorro.

Thank you. That's what currency is. That's in the future. It's Mask of Zoro DVDs. So they have these two women, and they're like, oh, hey, disfigured monster. Why don't you come over here? We're drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana.

And then, like, of course. Pre-marital sex. Yes, the ubiquitous, would you like to have some premarital sex with us, Monster? Topless for no reason. Paj, pro. Mr. Data, what did you do? This is far too horny.

This isn't my innocent film noir detective story at all. You know, Mr. Data, you're going to hell. I don't know if a robot could go to hell, but you're going to hell. Hell is for where dirty pervert robots go, Mr. Data. I'm going to block that penthouse protocol. We're just going to write slash fiction for the rest of this. That's all right. I'm right there. I am with you.

And then he basically, he uses the sleeping bag gag from one of the earlier movies. But he's murdering these, like, holograms or whatever. What are we doing? And it's just like, it's like a pillow in a bag he's throwing around. Like, there needs to be some weight to this body. I don't know. It annoyed me.

Oh, you're just upset with the production. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I see. I hate movies. Well, it's also dumb because, like, he's beating, like, one sleeping bag with a woman in it over another sleeping bag with a woman in it. And they're just going like, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. How about some screams?

Foley department? What the fuck? I think that, like, you know, but he makes quick work of them, and he's like, now I'm going to keep going to kill these real people. But the thing is, you've got to give him more campers or run Corey Feldman protocol. Oh. And then you got Tommy Jarvis, the one true hero of the franchise. You get that little fucker running around and Jason's trying to get him.

And he's singing these weird songs with his angels. Very honest. No, you ran the wrong Corey Feldman protocol. Fuck. Well, the only things that survived is Corey Feldman's singing career and the knowledge of Camp Crystal Lake.

That's the future. Well, we are a society that deserves to be destroyed. That's all that was left, man. Damn. And the ship starts blowing up. There's this, the lead Marine Brodsky

kind of becomes like the hero of them. This guy, by the way, you may know him from the movie 300. Yeah, this is madness. That's his line. Yeah, he's the guy that gets kicked into a hole. Yeah, I was...

That's your acting reel? Yeah, that's all you need. I played This Is Madness. Yes, I did perform with Gerard Butler. I also performed with whoever the fuck was in that sequel. Because that dude is back playing a different character. Does he, too, get kicked into a hole? Oh, I don't know.

I didn't see it. He's in the new... He's like his son or something come of age. He's in the new Winnie the... Pooh movie, he meets Winnie the Pooh, and Winnie the Poe kicks him into a hole. Not gonna bother anyone anymore.

That was the worst Winnie the Pooh impression. My apologies to the great Jim Cummings. We got it. I don't think I can see that movie, FYI. Oh, no, the tears? Dude, I fucking cry every time I see the trailer for it. I can't do it. They're going to ask me to leave. They're going to ask me to leave the theater. They're going to be like,

you know what? Almost 40-year old man, why don't you wait for VOD? This is the saddest shit we've ever seen. And it's just because you love honey. That's right. But, yeah, so this guy becomes like the hero of the movie

kind of, he forces Jason outside of the spaceship, like kind of rassels him out a little bit. Is that how it goes? Razzles him off that spaceship. And he rides Jason down Earth, too. This is pretty great.

What a way to go. I need the full, like, we're going to the atmosphere, and this dude just, like, cooks up. That'd be awesome. Instead, it just looks like they're skydiving. This is living. I was kind of waiting for Viboski to, like, get on him like he was riding him. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Oh, fuck, dude, that would be great.

Like the end of Dark Star? Yes. Or you're going for the end of Strange Love. Yes, exactly. You take the cowboy hat. You could also do that, yeah. I mean, either or. The joke plays either way.

It's fine. He's riding a human being down to Earth. I mean, but something, I think burning up in the Earth's atmosphere might just kill a big... Earth II's atmosphere. That's true. Oh, maybe Earth 2's atmosphere is a little different. You can just, like, slide right in. They fixed that.

That's what they fixed? You get really, really cold. And he lands in, I guess, New Jersey, too. Right. At Diamond Lake. Yeah, it's next to Jersey. It's a stronger lake. And it's this young couple

who's dressed like it's 2,000, it's Abercrombie kind of a thing. Oh, totally. They're right out of a catalog. These people are great. They're like, oh my gosh, I think I saw something. I'm like, can we fucking end this movie? Well, it's great because the woman is scared and the dude's trying to get laid

and he's like, yeah, babe, I think it was a shooting star. Make a wish. It's definitely not chasing. and gorgeous. You know, that guy who's printed on Earth 2's currency. Man, anybody giving a shit about

a shooting star, whatever. Fucking dime a dozen, man. And the end is just like his mask fell off in the lake, I guess. Oh, dude, it's horseshit, though, because that sexy couple we were just talking about. Like, it crash lands or something like that, and the guy goes, I think.

it went in the lake to which the woman responds let's go check it out because the adventure continues that's where bodies hit the floor has to happen oh yeah

and no when we get some weird like guitar like it's like Carlos Santana I think it was actually Carlos Santana they licensed it wasn't even licensing that had him right cut off my head make it smooth or else forget about it Perfect.

Sorry you were saying. What happens to the rest of the folks in space? They get saved by that EMT, that space EMT? Yeah, and they're like, thanks, Brodsky. A lot of people live, you know, like the girl that was resurrected with Jason, the android's head, and that horny nerd. Yeah. Her husband.

Dude, it's kind of crazy because, like, Uber Jason punches her head off. Yeah. And there's one part where they're like, it's life or death. Like, they have to get out of this exploding space station. And he goes, wait a minute, insert robot's name. And then the woman has to, like, run back and get this head. He's like, thank you.

I can fuck on the way home. It'll be like that scene from high tension. Yes. Wow, more people saw that movie than I thought. Okay. Congratulations, everyone. We surveyed 300 people Oh man

And then the credits again The audacity no new metal But there is the assistant property master Again like this is only something that I would notice The assistant property master is credited by a guy named Jeff In quotation marks Darth Mall M-A-W-L-E Yeah because his last name was actually

Mall but spelled differently Yes and he weighs 700 Also, I love the idea, by the way, that you felt you needed to specify that Darth would have quotation marks around it. Well, it could be a middle name. Oh, is that a family name? He's like, I don't get what's funny. That was my maternal grandmother's maiden name.

What is funny about that? She was a sweet woman. She let my uncle film a movie in her garage. Darth, Darth Mall is another monster that, destroyed multiple times. And kicked down a hole. Yeah. Yeah, he's a whole guy.

One of them there were whole guys. Brothers in arms. Yeah. Then he became whole again with robot legs. Oh, my dear God. Oh, yes. Yeah, Han Solo, he got kicked down a hole too. He died loving his son.

People are dying in holes all the time. I can't believe that Han Solo was able to love his son and not have to have a montage where he goes to a parenting seminar to learn how to be a better father. What a fucking Mary Sue solo dad character. I'm going to remake that

whole kick scene with help from Kickstarter. An important voice to amplify here. Whatever, man. I'm making fun of them. So cool, this movie's over. And two years later, by the way, we would get the great Freddy versus Jason.

Great. Reset and everything again. Well, that's the question, right? Yeah. Which one is better? Freddy versus Jason, and we'll do an audience poll after. Freddy versus Jason or Jason X? Steve Zed.

Freddie versus Jason. It's just, it's a movie at least. Uh-huh. It's a movie. I would say barely better, yeah. But I guess I would give it to Freddy versus Jason since I could understand Earth better. I don't like it.

I fucking hate it. But I think goes to hell is worth. than both. Oh, nice. Yeah, the movie sucks, too. No, I go pro Jason X. Yeah, I agree. Better death.

Jason X is the better movie. We are lacking in the new metal department. I think that's one thing. They were making up for lost opportunities with Jason versus Freddy, or Freddy versus Jason. Because there's not a second where New Metal stops in that movie.

But also, Jason X, dude, no really awkward Freddie Krueger racism for no reason. Oh, that's a good point. Jesus Christ, that line still wakes me up at night. All right, you know what? You folks have convinced me tonight that Jason X is a better film. Thank you

sir. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Now bully Steve. Wait. Steve say it. Who's, wait, hang on. No, it doesn't mean Steve turn. Just because you were spineless and changed your opinion. Who here thinks Jason X is the better

movie? Shh. Shut up. Freddy versus Jason. All right, all right. See? I think that's a tie. That's true. That's the correct one.

Yeah, that's true. Oh, I forgot about the homophobia. I mentioned the racism, not the homophobia. Thank you, sir. We'll take it from here. Thank you. Kelly Roland is removed from that movie, thankfully. It's not in Jason X at all.

I noticed all the attractive people were clapping for Freddy version. I don't know, too. Odd. So, listen, we got to start wrapping. it up, unfortunately. So, yeah, I know. I'm sorry. But real quick, big thanks to City Winery for having us out here. This is the classiest establishment.

We've played yet. And we didn't get the old sheepherder. The hook? Well, the hook, yeah. So that's cool. Thanks to them. Thank you all for coming out. This is awesome. We know that we haven't been to Chicago in a while. We love you guys. You're beautiful. Thank you so much, sir.

Now, we always love to end every show the tiny bit of internet correspondence because what better place to get internet information than on the IMDB user review boards I just noticed I'm bleeding

that's something that wasn't me reading this I literally I'm bleeding from my knuckle right there I don't know oh wow dude it's just it was that extreme of a conversation Jason's coming for you man oh fuck seven days

okay so a little bit of the IMDB Tribune user reviews because like I always say the people writing reviews on IMDB at 2 o'clock in the morning way more well-versed well-informed and well-written

than film critics 100% I think film critic Chris Cabin would agree with it 100% all first of all 10 out of 10 stars yes of course obviously correct subject line

extremely good. Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny. That's an X-Dash, right? X-Dash, yes, X-Dash. By Jake-179. And this is public information, so I'm going to read that anyway. It's okay.

You just docks them. Yep. He lives at 742. And so this is from March the 1st, 2004, so he's watching this on DVD. And I have to say, it also turns out that Jake 179 is a huge creep. Get ready for this. So, extremely good.

The characters are all likable and memorable. Already we're off to a fantastic start. Remember when I said insert name of robot? Not to mention this installment of the series, and I'm going to read this, like, how I feel, like, if he was reading this, like the way he intended it to be heard. Got a cane hotter on her hands. You should, you need to be breathing heavier, like.

I'll do my best impression. Go ahead. Not to mention, this installment of the series definitely has the hottest girls. It gets so much fucking worse. There are not too many other movies in general to come to my mind that have women of this caliber. How did he spell come?

How did he spell Calibur? Come. How do he spell come? Oh. I was asking you. With an O or are you? Yes, come on. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

He spelled it with an O. Oh, it's not. Sorry. It's less pervy. With the X thing, I thought maybe he's... Eric's like, this is sounding an awful lot like the review I wrote for Jason X. In particular...

Oh, here we go. Strap in. I have to mention Melody Johnson. Do you have to? No, you don't. She played the character, Kinsa. Kinsa is the lady who, we didn't talk about it,

but she goes into an escape pod and she's, like, so scared, she blowed up. Yeah, yeah. She had sex with Stoney. She did have sex with Stoney. Oh, right, yes. Stoney's lover. Yeah. No, Stony was Kintas lover, motherfucker.

Because that lady was beautiful. Stony's Lover is my favorite D.H. Lawrence book, though. I think she is absolutely gorgeous. A modern day screamer movie beauty. Fuck. He means a scream queen, I guess. Yeah. Oh, he's creepy and stupid.

She is incredibly sexy throughout the movie. Especially when she commits suicide in that space station. Oh, I made that part up. I made that part up. I'm sorry. This is, oh, man. Apologies. to this real life person.

And the other one being written about here. She kind of looks like Anna Pac-win. But I think Melody is better-looking. This is, I feel like when he's writing this part, he's fighting with his two other friends in the basement. They were all sleeping over writing Jason reviews. She is just exactly my type. Good to know for when she definitely reads this review.

This is useful information for everyone. It seems unfortunate to me that Melody has not really done too many other movies. She is so beautiful. I would like to see more of her. A lot more of her. We are We Hate Movies from New York City, Chicago.

Thank you so much for coming out. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hit gum podcast.