We Hate Movies - S8 Ep374: Episode 374 - Tank Girl (Live in Milwaukee)

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

Recorded live at The Back Room @ Colectivo in Milwaukee, WI On this week's Summer Vacation Live, the gang is chatting about the off-the-wall 1990's comic book adaptation, Tank Girl! What's the deal with all the animated cut scenes? Why did they bother trying to sex-ify that delousing powder shower scene? And how dare they take an hour to introduce Ice-T?! PLUS: Look out for Batman's latest nemesis, Downloader!  Tank Girl stars Lori Petty, Naomi Watts, Ice-T, Malcolm McDowell, Reg E. Cathey, James Hong, Ann Cusack, and an unfortunate appearance by Iggy Pop; directed by Rachel Talalay. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Thank you for being a friend Travel down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party He invited everyone you knew You would be the biggest gift would do for me

And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend Milwaukee, what is happening? Well done. Well done. There we are. Look at that. We are your premier Golden Girls podcast.

Yes. And we have a couple. great PowerPoint coming up in just a minute. How many of you guys want to buy a timeshare? My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. I'm Eric Siska.

Steven Sadek. We hate movies from New York City. How are y'all doing this evening? Beautiful, beautiful. So really quickly, how many of y'all are familiar with the show we run on the internet? You?

Fuck yeah. All right. Great. Five people. Who's here just to get coffee? We've got a couple. We're apologizing already now. Where's my goddamn

Campicino? Who are all these people? Well, sure, I'll wait, but what are those fat guys doing? Are they making the coffee? How many of you guys saw us last night down Chicago? Wow, you maniacs. That's awesome. That is awesome.

A lot of jokes will be repeated. But they'll be. They'll still be good, right? It's different. I'm wearing a different shirt. Everyone's having a good time. We're all, one, two, three. We're all wearing different shirts.

Okay, good, good, good. That is what's happening. We're all wearing different shirts. All right. So, Friday's cool. It's cool. It's cool. Ten.

Okay, so this is Jason. Oh, no, no, no, no, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, no. All right, hang on, hang on. Wait, wait, wait. We'll start over. Start over. Start over.

All right, so this is tank girl. Yes. That's a one. From 1990. From 1995, directed by Rachel Talalay, who I guess sort of made her bread and butter coming up making television. Entries in the Nightmare and Elm Street franchise is what I was going to say, Stephen. All right, Freddy's dead, right? The final nightmare.

This is a rare hat trick director. We've done all her movies. What was the first one? Ghost in the machine, and then Freddy's dead, and then we haven't gone into TV yet. Stay tuned. We haven't gone into TV. No, but it's kind of funny because, like, boy, she thought that that Freddie

movie was the final nightmare. No. But then she directed, Tank Girl. How many of you guys saw this movie before you knew that this is what we were going to talk about tonight? Wow. Okay. All right.

And then how many of you were like, oh, that's what they're talking about. I guess I'll watch it in advance. That's the move. That is the move. Don't do it until you have to. Still apologies all around. We really, we can't. I mean, this is an okay-ish movie. There's some fun here, probably?

I just got booed at my own show. That's early. I see. You're paid by Big Tank Girl. Here's what's rad, though. The soundtrack to this movie is totally awesome. That is the one good thing we'll say about Tank Girl the entire night. You put Bush and a Hole in a soundtrack?

I'm just ready to go, man. You put Bush in a Hole? No. Hey, Poppy, I'm stuck up. in this hole! I thought you were going somewhere else at that very much. I know you did. And I just avoided it.

They went for the safer joke there. I should say, by the way, that reminds me. Your filth just reminded me. If anyone doesn't know what they're in for tonight, apologies in advance. Sometimes this can get a little blue. And we're dealing with kangaroo sex, so... We're dealing with kangaroo sex.

It could go any number of ways, really. does feel weird to do this while the sun is still out. Isn't it? Like a little This is a film that should be talked about after hour. Exactly. Ice tea is a sexy kangaroo? Absolutely. Ice tea as a kangaroo. Is this

Chris Cabot, is this the first film where a zoo animal gets laid? Scanning Beastiality Database Overload. Maybe. D.W. Griffith didn't do anything? No.

That wasn't an intolerance, as it turns out. So the year is 2033. Nice. Can't wait, man. And apparently, like, I kind of, I never saw this movie until I had to watch it for this stupid thing. And I was always like, oh, that's cool. That's that movie that's about global warming, right? It's like the perils. No, it's the perils of comets.

It's like, oh, the comet did that. I did not see the comet coming. I thought it was like, we, really. It was like, no, it was just one of those dino busters. Yeah, this is more in the deep impact realm than like an inconvenient truth, which is what you probably thought. Yes. So it's 2033. Is that what you said? Yeah, I started with that.

Let's go with that. The year. It's a good place to start. Water is like the hot commodity, so it's kind of like a Mad Max Fury Road, sitch. Yeah. But just way worse. Way worse. Although actually, Fury Road better or worse with kangaroo people.

Oh. Like I've been Morton Joe had a pouch. Yeah. I would like that. I'm sorry, I'm still scanning. All right, I would rather live in the Teng Girl universe than Fury Road, for sure. Is that right? Yeah, totally.

Why's that? Because you can still, like, wear cool clothes, you know what I mean? Well, yeah. And there's beer everywhere somehow. That's what I don't get. Massive water problem. This is everywhere. Everybody has a beer.

And when this comet hit, the only thing that survived apparently was the Spencer Gifts Warehouse. Because there's all this fucking shtick and bullshit and like Bullseye T-shirts. I think you mean fun props. Okay. By then. By schick, you mean fun props. Yeah, they're everywhere. This is a weird sort of hodgepodge movie.

There's no look to it. It's just this like, we're desperately trying to make it look like the post-apocalypse and doing a terrible job all around. It's like Peeway's playhouse post-apocalyptic. You know what I mean? Like, Cherry is there. She got an eye patch for some reason. Wow, that would be amazing. Yeah, man.

Jombie got wiped out by the comet, though. Oh, absolutely. Oh, my God, it's just Lawrence Fishburn. And he's like, Pee's... Yeah, totally. He's in a little male-man uniform with those tight shorts, and he's moving around. You're just describing the postman.

But with Lawrence Fishburn better movie. Yes. Yes. Probably shorter, too, I would hope. Larry Fishburn demands a touch. right cut. So we're told through Tank Girl narration that doesn't last

too long, that there's things like, they're not bothered with celebrities anymore. She's like, don't worry about it. Those celebrities are dead. Oh, great. That's fantastic. Can't wait for that 23, man. Fingers crossed. Well, we just told the other day

that 19-year-old Jenner girl is like a billionaire. A self-made billionaire. Congratulations to her. Picked her up by her parents' bootstraps. you all can do that right yeah yeah but the weird thing is like yeah so uh I think that the night before the edit was due on this movie Rachel Tallulay was like bring me the movie and some like hapless intern through half of it in the toilet by accident

oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it's still good it's still good stuff it on what if I pieced it together with cartoons and this is it's the crucial mistake of this movie there's all these like interstitial things with like this cool like heavy metal esk animation right and you're sitting there like why isn't that just the thing? Why isn't that

the movie? This should be animated. It should be entirely animated. Because like I love Lori Petty right but this cartoon character that she's playing is like Bugs Bunny. It serves better animated because she's like bouncing all over the walls in this movie and it's obnoxious to watch a human

being in the flesh actually do this. Like there's one seen in this movie where Naomi Watts is going to the bathroom and she slides under the stall. Like, how's it going? It's obnoxious. Oh my God, what if Bugs Bunny dressed like a woman?

The comet hit, uh-oh, now he's Tank Girl. Oh, fuck. Who knows what happened that comet, dude? I'm watching that, though, to find out. Is Elmer Fudd the Malcolm McDonald wrong? I'm going to steal your water. That was terrible.

I apologize. But actually, speaking a little bit of a personal story, I watched this movie. I watched this movie on the plane over here, and I kind of got to look from the person next to me

because they... Oh, yeah. I have my big, dumb laptop out. I'm just watching it. And the woman next to me was like, this dude's watching anime, pornography. And I'm like, no, I'm not.

Yes. Dude, I feel you. I tried doing the same thing, and I was like, I'm going to wait till we land. I'm going to wait to the hotel because they think I'm watching stuff I shouldn't go on.

I mean, I look like a guy that's watching anime pornography right now like somehow these glasses are a false front in this anime pornography of course with that fucking cut off sleeve button down or whatever the hell's going on over there you knew I was gonna do it

yeah I knew it's gonna happen yeah were you fired by the Joker earlier were you like a guy that didn't get into the foot clan you know this is a prop comedy now right that's what we're doing we got a suitcase in the back But, yeah, so she tells us, you know, blah, blah, blah. Everything's bad, and I'm going to scavenge for a gift for my boyfriend.

She's on a water buffalo, I believe. Yeah, something like that. Oh, water, right? Water. Oh, are they, like, pulling it out of the... Oh, those are camels, never mind. Wait, water buffalo, you just milk them and water comes out, right? Yes, yes. That's how science works.

I was, you're saying water buffalo? I was going with yak. Could have been a yak? I thought it was an ox. Who gives a shit? How about that? It's a huge cow-looking thing with warrens. The hairy cow, great.

It was a bansom. I was actually, when she's scavenging, I got a real force-awakens vibe from this thing, you know? You got a what? What? A force-o-what? You were like, when she was scavenging, I got a real. Force-awakens vibes.

You got a forceful what? You awakened how? All right, so wait, force-awakens vibe. She's scavenging. Yeah, like Ray, like in the beginning of the first- Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, because she's got the helmet on and whatnot. 40 portions. Do you think JJ Abrams right in that movie while Tank Girl was on?

Yep, that's not too bad. Absolutely. That's not too bad. Absolutely. He had New Hope on one screen and Tank Girl on the other screen. And it filtered down and made that movie. Yeah, that's like that works. And it was still awesome.

It was fine. We're also told that there exists the Rippers. Oh. Which is crazy because I would. like, fuck dude, John Stamos's band. Jesse and the Rippers is going to totally cam in this movie.

That's what happens is the comet hits it hits John Stamos. It evaporates him. Heaven forbid. And how dare you? It turns the rest of the Rippers into kangaroo people. Makes sense. That's the only way that dude could get

less sexy is if you cross John Stamos with a kangaroo. Otherwise, Nothing can break. You'd still be dipping in that pouch, man. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You could take you with. Oh, my God.

Think about that. You're just in there, and, like, it's gyrating. I'm thinking about it right now. Travel, sex, tourism. The problem with daylight is you can see people leave really easily. Like, it's very obvious to see people start to leave. The person-shaped crack through the window in the front. So, I mean, like, so, you know, she finds some stuff.

We, we meet her gang. She lives at a big, dumb, like, real world Gen X nightmare house. And this is what's annoying, man. It's 2033. There's no water. The world is over, and we still have these shitty roommate cohabitation situations. Eep. Also, it's like a beetle juice house.

It's like a desert. There's, like, huge sandworms going by. And it's just this house on a dune. Yeah. Really weird looking. And they have a chore wheel. How does that not just say survive? Your task today is to not die.

That is a chore even now. It's hard enough as is. And yeah, she winds up like having sex with her boyfriend in like a fun way, right? Well, it's kind of this weird. She forces him to strip. It's role playing. Yes. And he gets like, he gets naked, but we don't see anything.

We don't see it. Show the. Thank you. Thank you. This gentleman in the crowd knows what I wanted to say. Show me that dick. Show me a dick. The world is over. The FACA's gone.

Show me a dick. Yeah, the MPA's gone, dude. All those old white guys are dead, fucking finally. But it's totally unfair. All we have is like a quarter, like one quarter of an unfocused butt gene. And this dude is like he's up there. And this is like in front of his lady friend, man. and he's just like this.

Not in front of your lady, friend. She's seen it. Andrew, I thought this was... Why are you covering up? I thought this was a prop show, dude. Show us that dick. You're a big bright shining star. You're a star. You're a fucking star.

You're a fucking star. And, like, we were introduced to these two children who shouldn't be... The door should be locked, first and foremost. You know what I mean? That's a problem with all these roommates, man. Everybody's just barging in when you're just barging in when you're trying to fuck.

Well, the comet also hit child protective services. CPS was destroyed. The machine stopped turning and CPS stopped existing. And so these kids are there. There's a girl and a boy

and the boy's not long for this world. No. It's because of that mullet. Yeah, oh yeah, that's true. Poor little dirt boy. Gunned down in his pride. Dude, it's gross. These kids are gross. They look like a little feral, like, animal kids like

It's very mad max still there's a lot of madmacks Oh yes it looks like the little bit of that next Both of them By the way everyone has that haircut that kid has too It's just like it's just like shaved partially Here and there It's just haphazard

He did it himself like this is fun You're a bad self haircut We cut to Malcolm McDowell's corporate retreat Where he's He's just kind of like going over the quarterly reports And he gets it as some die hard play for a little bit. This is how this dude

gets it up. Yeah. I'm going to have to smash some glass. We should imagine he works for what, he's like the head of water and power. Yes. Because you don't got water unless you got power.

That's true. That's right. That's hydroelectricity. That's right. It's the motto for hydroelectricity. So he's very upset because these rippers are screwing up his operations and then there's some

loser captain who he's like humiliating in front of everybody. And he breaks all this glass, and he's like, you have to walk across the glass now in front of everyone. Don't mind me when I put my hand on my pan. Yeah. Like, he's watching this guy like, yes. Slower.

But I don't know there's... Lower. It's something I didn't realize about Die Hard. Like, when John McLean does that, why... And this guy, too, why not, like, sweep with your foot first, and then walk, and then kind of sweep, and then... I mean, it would be... less exciting for sure, but, like, look,

look how much less glass I'm stepping on. Steve? Steve. Steve. Yeah. How many times have you walked on glass? Oh, a lot. Oh, okay. I'm from the Bronx. Then I'll trust you. But I think...

Sanchez Children's book, Barefoot in the Bronx. But it's such an easier way. It's like, you know, and then like, you know, Reginald Val Johnson's like, oh my God, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry about your feet. He's like, no, no, I swept first. It was cool. He's like, oh, that was a really smart idea. John McLean, good for you.

Oh, by the way. I killed a kid. Dude, that is the most casual dropping of child murder in the history of cinema. Like, oh, why aren't you a cop anymore? Well, this kid had a ray gun. It was dark and, well, I killed it.

Moving on. But Malcolm McDowell has this device that, like, sucks the water out of people and turns them into scary skeletons. Right. This dude, like, sort of, like, has, like, everything. You see his, like, hand shrinking. It looks like Lloyd Bridges at the end of hot shots.

Yes. And it's like filling up a power aid bottle. I don't know where this design came from. It's very inefficient. Why wouldn't a person make more water than that? A lot more. Yeah. We're like half water, right?

Yeah, right. Something like that. It just fills up like this. There is a scientist in the audience holding their tongue. A stupid mistake in the film, Tank Girl. What are the odds? Neil DeGrasstation should fact check. Tanker.

He would just ruin the fun we have watching. tank girl though. You're trying to get one of those big gallon things you put on the machine and you ever fuck it up, put one of those on? I have. Wait, what? When you're trying to refill a fucking huge water cooler and it goes

everywhere. This guy did that. He's like, yep. No one ever trusted me with that responsibility. Smart move I'd say. Siska, put it down. We're going to get the 16 year old intern to do it. He's on the football. team.

So, show me that dick. I'm kidding. Come on, man. The sun is up. Yeah. It's really... Once he's of age.

So Tank Girl is given the very important job of, hey, look, we live in the post-apocalypse. You need to watch our house full of hipsters, or else we're all going down, man. And she's like, okay, cool. I'm going to act like a cartoon for a while

and play games while we get infiltrated and mass murder occurs. This is insane. Like, this is where the movie stops being polite and starts getting real. Because a siege is laid on this compound

and she's, like, got her back turned. Like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, because she just gave her boyfriend a sexy gift. Oh, a pair of boots she found in the desert. On a dead body. They are nice boots.

They'll last a while. They will. So, who is the guy, Chris Cabot? Oh, noted cinematic pervert, Richard Schiff. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is he a noted cinematic pervert? Because I think that. Well, noted cinematic nice guy, Richard Schiff is in this movie.

You're talking about his home movie collection? I'm just thinking from this scene alone. This is a really, like... This is a pervy scene. He's watching her, like, cut her, like, clothes off. And I'm like, well, that is, like, all your clothes. right? That's all of it. That's a problem. We are like

we're literally stealing clothing off of corpses in this world and she thinks that it's like the boyfriend behind her and she's got this pair of scissors and she's like I don't know there's like scissor play happening like it's an all new definition to sexual scissory and she's like

thanks to late it's fine she's like cutting the stockings like oh do you like this do you like sharp objects cutting my clothing but then she starts going for the straps of her little overalls, and I was like, no, tape that back up or something. But it's like the future

90s, you can always put safety pins on shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah. That's true. And Richard Schiff is like, do you know I was in the West Wing? That's how he introduces himself to ladies, pretty ladies. Like, you know. Like, hi, I'm the West Wing's...

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant I know Aaron Sorking. You don't need to know my name. I can get you cocaine. But he falls afoul of one of my biggest pet peeves of super soldiers. He's wearing grenades. He's just got grenades

on his person. And then guess what happens? She pulls the pins out. Now you're dead. That's a boner move, man. It illustrates how bad it is to cut your clothing. Clothing is so scarce. This guy's wearing grenades. So he does, it's actually

The new Gap grenade collection. Yeah, great commercial. They're all dancing to swing music, and then they all blow up at the same time. I would watch that. It's another Bugs Bunny move, though, because he realizes, like, what she did, and he looks, and he just goes,

Mother. And blows the smithereens, and it's the second best Richard Schiff's cinematic death of the 1990. Do we all recall what the first one is? The Lost World Jurassic Park, where he is torn asunder by not one. but two Tyrannosaurus rexes. He wished he was wearing grenades that day, my friend.

I'm taking you to hell with me down the door! Yeah, that would be pretty cool. So, you know, everyone's getting murdered in her compound. She gets abducted. We do see her boyfriend get it really bad in the chest, like with a machine gun. It's like three inches away, and he really gets nailed. It's so awesome.

And it's great because the response, you know, pulled out of Tank Girl watching the... this is, no. I'll deal with this later. Richard. Yeah, whatever this dude's name is. You forgot by the time you hit the floor. Sean, I meant.

She does kill a couple of water and power employees. Sure. She's trying to take as many people to hell with her as possible. And then she gets abducted by water and power. They put her on a plane. The house blows up. Oh, that's right. Totally blown up, which is awesome,

because that means that little dirtbag kid with the mullet is dead And they shoot her animal Oh, that's right I think this is cinema's first ever Ox execution Because the guy's like Oh, what's this?

Your friend? Moving on. But they just leave the corpse there Eat it, turn it into water, drink the blood, whatever you, you know? Whatever you got to do. You make like a headdress

out of the horns or some shit? That's like 600 pounds of jerky right there. Hell yeah. It looked delicious. I would like to ride around on jerky. How would that work? It's got legs down.

You said that that was the first oxmer. I'm sorry, this is another thing where Lawrence, what's his name there, intolerance guy, D.W. Griffith beat you to the punch. Oh, are they killing oxes in that movie, too? Oh, didn't Edison like electrocute an elephant? Oh, yeah. Well, that's got nothing to do with oxes. Well, I'm thinking about animals that were killed in cinema,

and I'm wondering if he ate that thing. Oh, right. And then a dog's purpose, that dog drowned. Yeah. Did they eat that dog? Yeah. They should have... They definitely ate that dog, dude.

Don't waste anything. So whilst on the plane, and like this guy's at work. Here's the thing. He's kidnapped Tank Girl. There's a plane full of guys. They're taking her back to Water and Power. He's like, hey, Tank Girl, how bad a blowjohn? And everyone's like, dude, don't.

Like, hey, hey, manny. Hey, manny, we're at work right now, man. We're in the confines of this small aircraft. Could you just not? You know we'll have to report back to demon seed Malcolm McDowell, right? This is going to be hard to describe in general. Ah, manny, if you could come in here. Have some reports from the other boys.

Shut the door. Shut the door. Man, aren't you talking. Have a seat, Manning. But it's great, tank girl gets the upper hand immediately because she, like, breaks his neck with her legs. Well, one of the guys has seen an action movie before. Like, nah, dude, you're just going to kill you.

And he's like, no, no, this is totally going to work. He's like, no, man, I think I've seen action movies before, and this never works. Like, man, I got golden eye on standard death DVD. That chick's going to zine you on a top of you, brother. I think Lori Petty's pretty good in this. question, though, because of how many people who have seen a league of their own?

Nice. Now, who is on Gina Davis's side in that movie? Who's on Lori Petty's side? Because Lori Petty is treated like shit by Gina Davis, that whole goddamn movie. Gina Davis' shit does not stink. Wow, I'm alone on an island.

Welcome to We Hate Gina Davis. I think... The other thing is, she thinks she's so smart. Olympic archery, what the fuck. Yeah, I saw Cutthroat Island. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, I'm not forgetting that. I watched all of Madam President,

or whatever the fuck that thing was, where she was the President? It was it? Yeah, she's the President. That's different than Madam Secretary. Oh, something, something. There was a show briefly where Gina Davis was the President,

and he knew she was the president because every episode she would go, and may I remind you, I am the president of the United States. Of what? Of America. All right. So she gets, she's now in Water and Power's control,

and Malcolm McDowell is like, you killed so many of my men. I'm going to keep you alive. Would you like a job? This is just a very long. long job interview that he puts her through. All this torture, putting her through the hole and everything like that? Yeah, yeah. It was just like,

hey, do you want to work for me? Like, no, of course not. He's a shitty boss. She knows it. She heard about the glasswalk. Because also after that glasswalk, by the way, we didn't mention it, but he totally just kills that guy. Oh, yeah, he turns him into, you know, the little water bottle. Goop. You know?

Guip. This movie could use some real goop. You know what I mean? What kind of goop are we talking about? Like Nickelodeon Gack? Like a Gwyneth Paltrow website? Oh my God, if Malcolm McDowell got slimed at the end of this movie? Oh, and my clothes! Oh, no, turned out I can't say that on television.

What would I do, Mark Summers? Are you asking me what I would do? Splat. Oh, there's all this garbage in this big nose. I can't find the flag. Can't believe I'm picking through this nose. I was at a clockwork orange you know He was quoted holy tits

I forgot about this He was quoted they were like Hey Malcolm McDowell what do you think about working on Tank Girl And he was like you know the thing about tanker Was it reminded me a lot of a clockwork orange What In its attitude Hors shit

Hors shit Hors shit It reminded me of clockwork orange Because I was paid for that movie as well Indeed, I was paid for both films, and indeed there were cameras with film in front of it. So many similarities. I was talked to, and I got lunch. What else is there to say?

And then so, didn't Naomi Watts also say she was ashamed of this movie? This is awesome. It's the best thing on the IMD trivia for this movie. It just says, Naomi Watts is ashamed of this movie. There's no interview. No source-sighted. No quote or anything. They just know it.

Or did she add it herself? Yes. She's up late one night. On the set of whatever, 21 grams. She's like, you know, that fucking tanker, that was shit. I am ashamed. Her username was Funny Games Remake Rules, R-L-U-Z. It actually is pretty good.

Yeah. 18 of 20 people found this trivia bid helpful. who were the two people that were like well that's not helpful I know it wants me to mark helpful but I'm not going to do it I would just love if she did that for all of her movies like Mahal and Drive

Naomi Moffes was very proud of this movie she wished it worked out to be that TV show that ABC rejected but this will do so yeah 10 girls kind of like working from Malcolm McDowell she's like doing a bunch of mechanical work or something this is where we get a weird

it's like the most unsexual shower scene that has tried to play like a sexual shower scene because you can't use water to bathe but you can put Portishead to it and now it's sexy that's true that'll make anything sexy like wow this woman's being covered in a

delousing agent how do we sex it up a bit? I don't know Portisette yeah give a shot but they're filming it's like slow motion she pulls this handle all this powder's falling all over it's powdered sugar welcome back to unwrap with Mark Summers.

Mark, that is far too much powdered sugar. That's disgusting. Now, for the best sugared Lori Petty's in the whole area, you've got to go to Milwaukee. I mean, how many donuts are you making? Oh, man. So she, like, sort of meets Naomi Watts at this point. Naomi Watts is Jet Girl.

So there's Tank Girl. And there's Jet Girl. Jet Girl's like this mechanic on Jets. What a clever name. for this person and there's like Malcolm McDowell's number two is this guy that's trying to like force Naomi Watts to have sex with him and that's not nice and uh no it's not Steve brilliant observation no no it's shit I the dude's shitty and Lori Petty like puts a a crank in his plans by like making out with Naomi Watson and this guy's like

what it's great it's a classic 1995 shithead movie move where he goes boom I know oh my god they're kissing the two girls got me Because I like that that's, like, lesbianism is portrayed like, ew, but like kangaroo sex, a-okay. It's sensual, Steve. So there's, like, a bunch of, like, her fighting back against the man. At one point, she's locked in a freezer. Yes. And this is a weird, we should mention, this movie being as shitty as it is, is not all the movie's fault kind of a thing.

Sure. This was, like, it was taken away from the director. It was, like, finished. editing by like someone who's working for the marketing campaign, which is always the move you want to make. Yes. Right? It's like get the person who's in charge of like cutting the trailer to just cut the whole thing. So this sort of happens. And it's just this, it's this weird moment where she's locked in this thing, but she also was injected. This is like scenes deleted with what cholera? Colora? Yeah. I'm going to inject you with cholera. That'll teach you a lesson.

All right. And she's freezing. And this is like one of these, man, Tank Girl has a line for everything Malcolm McDowell like comes in and he is just like well have you had enough of this yet tank girl she's eating a carrot thumbing through a copy of a thousand and one zingers

she just goes well it is really hard for me to play with myself in this thing yeah exactly it's not a joke so he puts her in what's called the pipe which is a pipe that gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

What's its function? Torture. I love this device because the concept is basically like if I got stuck in a water slide. Imagine the hell. She goes down

and it's just like a water slide and then it's like, stunk. And I'm like, how am I going to get out of this water slide? This is about to be the most embarrassing day of my life. Yeah, it's like Action Park.

Yes. Oh, shit. Anyone actually been to Action Park? Cool. Oh, yeah. One person? Wow, there's a ghost in the room. Because you don't leave that park without dying and being put in a body bag.

It's like being in Final Destination now, right? That's right. Yeah, it's actually run. Action Park was run by Tony Todd. So she's getting tortured, and Malcolm McDowell is like, yes, this is still part of the job interview. Where you were? work for me, please. So his whole thing is, like, I need someone to find

these rippers because they're literally killing everybody in my team, and I'll use Tank Girl, because she really doesn't want to do that, and she's clearly going to betray me, and actually wind up killing me. How the fuck did this guy fall up to the head of water in power? Honestly.

This is a person who hates your guts, and every chance she's had so far she's murdered your men, cause nothing but trouble. Yes, let's give her the most important mission for the future of this company's existing. Well, yeah, because it was like Malcolm McDowell and this other like really qualified woman who was like really

evil but really smart. And then Malcolm McDowell was like, yes, I'm a white guy. Thank you very much. Nothing changes, huh? Not now? Not 2033? Not after the comet? Never. But here's the first time we get at least masked rippers.

Oh, right. Doing their thing. Because mind you, in the movie with the killer kangaroos. They're just called this killer kangaroos. And an hour in before we actually get the kangaroos. That's fucking criminal. That's insanity. You tell me, you tell me that iced tea is in a movie, first of all.

And he doesn't hit the screen in the first ten minutes? Fuck you. Fucking fuck you. Fuck your movie. Fuck your dumb movie career. You're a piece of shit. But I like being a mutant kangaroo of which there are eight. And they're like, dude, before we leave, we better put our masks on.

We don't want to get... We don't want everyone... And where to know that we're around? Or it's like trying to figure out which mutant kangaroo, like, did the crime? Oh, I see, yeah. Is that the thing? Like, oh, maybe they won't recognize which one of us actually did it. They'll never be able to prosecute.

Like, I don't understand. Yeah, why masks? They're apparently, they were developed as super soldiers at what point? That's always the thing, isn't it? We're trying to make super soldiers and then look what happened. Kangaroo. Kangaroo, did they go down, like, the list for a while? everything else wasn't working out?

It was what was left. Honestly, I mean, kangaroos are the only thing that will survive the apocalypse. I guess that's true, right? They're outback and whatnot. Yes. But what I understand,

Australia is perpetually in a state of post-apocalypse. That's what the movies have taught me, which is all I know. That's what I like, but the whole concept of this is actually kind of like an Australian Planet of the Apes sort of a thing.

Right. Right? Yeah. If the Apes came. in an hour into your movie. Right, and that's the... That is the overall problem. And it will truly be a planet of kangaroos.

Ruled over by kangaroo Jack. Oh, fuck. No, I don't want to live in that world. No. Because that's the one thing about these kangaroos, not a lot of wisecracking. Kangaroo Jack, all wisecracking. Well, these are angry, sullen kangaroos.

Wouldn't you be... Yeah. You're like, one day I was a person, and then I signed on to this government job, And now I'm a kangaroo person. No, I think the idea is they just take human DNA, like blood or spunk or whatever, and they splice it with the kangaroo DNA. And their souls are reincarnations of other beings. One guy says he's Jack Carrowack.

Everybody says they're Jack Carrowack. Yeah, totally. Like, that kangaroo, like, he just graduated college. He doesn't want to figure out what to do just yet, and he goes, on the road. Again, I'm just living the Kerouac life, man. You ever meet anybody like that, slap them in the face? And one guy says he's a dog that got promoted. That sounds more right.

Maybe that's what Jack Carrick was drinking about, man. He's like, I don't want to be a fucking kangaroo one day. He's really worried about that? Yeah, totally. That would be. Yeah, that's what the Dharma Bums was all about. So we have a bunch of, like, cool-looking animation sequences sort of through this part. And again, it's like, it's just an excuse because we didn't have money to fill.

all that stuff was showing. Well, that's the best part. Every time there's a cool establishing shot or should be a cool establishing shot, it's like, cut to a cartoon. Well, they kill Malcolm. Malcolm McDowell gets, like, slaughtered in this attack essentially. Yes. And then they cuts to this fucking animation thing, where I'm like, is any of this shit happening

in the real world? Because, thank you. Because Lori Petty beats the shit out of Naomi Watts in the cartoon. I'm like, I would have liked to see what the hell that was all about. Yeah, why? Like, one of her eyes is, like, beaten shut? I was like, what are you doing?

What's happening? What is this relationship? Yeah. Like, first you're kissing in the shower, now you're just beating the shit out of her, so she'll go on this mission with you? Was this originally directed by Paul Verhoeven? Oh, that might be.

That might be. Oh, man, Paul Verhoeven's Tank Girl fucking look out. X, X-XX-Xrated. Well, actually, if tanker, it was Jesus the whole thing. All right, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Thank you. Thank you.

I could use some of those, like, robocop commercials, but with Mark Summers. Well, that's what happens to that guy at the end of Robococca, he gets gacked, right? And then he does kind of totally get gacked, that's right. Dude, that would be great, dude, like extreme double there. Oh, yeah, Paul Verhoeven's Nickelodeon.

Yeah, I'm going to dump actual acid on all of these stupid kids. You'll see which one of them melts first. And now a sad cartoon about the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. I will call it deviant arts Mark Summers still just works for it Oh for sure man

So yeah like Malcolm McDowell is mauled by these rippers And James Hong comes in he's like I'll give you a head transplant Hey whatever man what the fuck ever Dude by the way if you're Malcolm McDowell is doing like this eyes without a face kind of deal And if your boss is near death And he's a piece of shit and we'll kill you at a moment's note

just kill him and move on. Yeah, pull that plug. That's how you get promoted in any line of work, by the way. Murdering the person above you? Yes. How do you think Tim Cook did it? Oh, man. Oh, yikes.

I'll be taking that turtle bank, man. Yoink. Is he buried in that thing or what? Probably. Nice. So, and at the rest of the movie, like, Malcolm McDowell's face is obscured. You're like, oh, what happened? What happened?

What's going to be his face? What's this terrible visage? It's a hologram head? You know what that is, though? It's not like, oh, what could he possibly look like? It's, you have three days with me. Whatever you don't shoot in three days. Tough titty.

Yeah, I guess it's just like a stunt man and a mask. Because that puts his eyes without a face shit is you can't even tell it all that it's Malcolm McDowell. And it's just ADR, you know, quite after the facts. Yeah, you like recorded it over the phone. I've got a Star Trek Generations video game to voice. Get me out of here. Well, bring me Tanko.

Yes, I'll have a number three with... No, please, uh, a diet soda. Yes, and Tanko will be destroyed. Dad, I want to shake. I want to shake, Jack. Give me a shake. Shut up, Jody. We'll get it.

We'll get it. Now I have another call coming in. Hold on. They left all that in. an odd choice for tank girl um so they go well this is this is the grossest part of the movie open i think so we go to like a sex club

yeah because it's like here's this like fun post-apocalypse movie let's see how the other half lives and it's all these like rich people in this weird sex club called like liquid something or other liquid silver yeah yeah oh geez what was it the radiation that made all that silver when it comes out Is it now just

I think so I think so Making wedding rings out of that I guess maybe it's like dehydration Makes it Makes it like a little darker They're turning on me Eric

Protect Eric Listen you know what you bought tickets Eric Eric here's the thing man It turns out You are so bad but it's because the girl her friend gets kidnapped

and she's put it to work in this weird sex club Oh the little girl Find out that the little girl survived She survived the initial assault Her former roommate And I'm just It's like 45 minutes in and I raised my hand I'm like can this not happen in this movie

What button do I push to make this not happen in this movie? None It's just like this is a train without breaks man so she uh there's this character the madam and like somebody comes up to her as like somebody wants the school girl thing the real way like oh bring that 10 year old girl and somewhere ikey pop is like hey man it'd be cool if i was in tank girl what rule you got left huh what it's like he already signed the contract because the character is just like dirty piece of shit or like however it's crazy and he's like yeah i'll play a dirty piece of

Man, that's great. I got a... Wait, what? And I can't back at... All right. All right, man. Wait, Jim Jarmish isn't directing this?

Do you think he got tricked into doing it? They're like, yeah, man, Jarmish is doing this one. He calls up Tom White's like, nope, I'm not in Tang, girl. I don't know what they told you, dude. They gave me that script, man. Oh, Igman, you're playing what? Good luck, brother.

He's playing a pedophile, And it's a really uncomfortable scene where he's like trying to be like, come on, give it to me. And I'm like, no. He's like, hey, surely all the fans from my acting in Nickelodeon's The Adventures of Pete and Pete will follow me to this film, Tank Girl. It's just such a bad idea for Iggy Pop, man. Luckily, she stole that thing from Fantasm and rips his hand off.

Yeah. Like, she's got this silver ball that turns into like spikes and stuff. Right, and you'd think that thing would play. a larger role in the film because what a cool gadget. Nope. It gets stuck in a pedophile's hand and that's the last you see of it. But doesn't think tank girl's like, oh my God, my friend

is, my young friend has been kidnapped by this, like, the sex club, so I better go save her, but also I'll try on a bunch of fun outfits for a while. Like, you know what I mean? Like, fashion show, like, no, save this girl! That's the thing, man, Tank Girl is easily

distracted. She is. Much like Bugs Bunny, honestly. Yeah. You also like dressing up. She did. And even still, so she saves the girl. And instead of being like, let's go to safety, it's like, let's have a little bit of a song montage. Dude, this is. Get ready, everybody.

It's the dumbest part of this movie. Because they're like, instead of burning the building down. Yes. And fucking, like, bolting the door closed and killing all of these people. She's like, you know, how about we sing some Cole Porter? and even the madam is like aren't you supposed to murder me I guess I'll sing

it's 2033 you couldn't think of something more modern you had to go with Cole Porter I don't know man It's just Gen X horse shit man It's just Gen X horse shit Where we're all sitting around Eat and Count Chocula

And talking about which Gilligan's Island character We want to fuck Instead of standing up for social programs Well welfare gets cut By the way, it's totally the professor, right? Hell yeah, dude. Like I could fiddle with my coconuts. Dude.

I go... I'd make a radio out of it. Come on. The skipper's got a hashtag dad, bud. Oh, man. No, but the skipper, man, like you'd be betting the skipper, and it would be like a fucking fatty Arbuckle heart attack in bed. And you just got the skipper on top of you?

I think Gilligan could get it, too. Yeah. He's a little bit of a snack. But the skipper would take control, I feel. I don't know about Gilligan. You definitely want the skipper's steering, but you can have a little... You get the Gilligan as, like, the appetizer, you know? Yeah.

Just to, like, you involve them in foreplay. Yeah. You get Eiffel Towered by the both of them. I get it. My God. Exactly. My God. See, doesn't kangaroo sex sound better now?

Say all the horrible shit up front So when we get to the actual beastiality Yes, they won't budge Yeah And you're like, oh, that sounds nice actually But while Tank Girl is fucking around This girl is kidnapped again And it's like, come on Tank Girl

But we have this huge... Eyes on the prize. We've got this huge like Busby Berkeley As choreographed horse shit dancing. Yep. And you're like, I thought I was watching Tank Girl. I don't know what the fuck this is.

By the way, the tank hasn't been doing much. Not a lot of the titular tank in this movie. Not a lot of it. She's joke girl. I would call her joke girl. That's cool, man, because then you'd be like, joke girl and jet girl. The tank needs to be a big character.

I would like a voice or something. Oh, nice. Well, one of the things they do in one of those animated sequences that maybe happened, maybe didn't. Who cares? But they put a brain in the tank. Oh, my God.

Like blood diner style Like a big fucking thing So the brain The tank has brain Yeah So it could be Schwarzenegger Who's great? Oh, Schwarzenegger

That'd be a great brain to have I would like him to be the voice of the tank Hello, how are you, thank you? Oh, that's terrific You want to kill water and power I hate both of those things We're going to bring water back to California I'm looking for big change in Sacramento

Yeah, hey, Arnie Uh, hey bud Heard you were starring in Tank Girl Uh, doing a couple of voices And I just want to tell you He's getting really cold Over at the old Ventura come out Is there like a Volkswagen bug I could voice?

You know, even a rowdy helicopter Might be a good fit for Jesse You know, Arnie, I had a cool idea if not only the tank was talking, but some of the ammo inside the tank was talking. And I wrote a character called Bullet Bill. Yeah, I stole it from Marios. You'd like me to play a kangaroo?

Oh, my God. You know what? No thanks. Yeah, I turned down the role of kangaroo number two in Tank Girl. I'd rather starve to death than be in that movie. It was one of them non-talking kangaroos and like, hey Stan Winston you're a genius and all but if I'm getting this outfit

I better have some dialogue buddy you know that only Thorson can eat that shit fuck man hey Arnie I saw a tank girl I think I dodged a bullet bill myself you know they turned me into a cartoon buddy

I never thought I'd see myself animated it ain't a good look poor reggie kathy they did him dirty man all right p you reggie kathy so that's where we're going is basically ten girls like oh i fucked around so much my friend was kidnapped the only person that's going to get me out of the situation is a bunch of killer kangaroos she goes she finds them

they're kind of like the the weird ninja turtles kind of yeah it's australia's ninja turtles that's exactly what this is putting it extremely lightly wasn't there actually if I think back on my like, you know, weed-covered ninja turtle's knowledge. Did they not have, like, a kangaroo friend in the cartoon? Yeah, sure. Outback Greg. There was a rabbit, of course.

Outback Greg. Yeah, he was the kangaroo named Outback Greg. And he ran an Outback franchise in New York. Yeah. Instead of pizza, it's blooming onions. All right, Vegemite again. You know what? Tettles? You guys are all right. No rules, just right. It's a me out back, Greg.

You're kangaroo friend. Hey, Mikey, those kangaroos were weird. One of them had a human girlfriend. Gross. Isn't that what the Ninja Turtles are always angling for me? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I mean, I think this is just kind of a turning that on its ear. It's like, now you've got to live with it. Yeah. I mean, that show was trying to introduce you to beastiality. at an early

year. It absolutely was. It was trying to ease you into bestiality, the idea that it was totally

fine. You got to start with the kids. You got to tell them as the cartoons and everything. You got to start with the kids.

Fuck, Gavin, you don't want that on a t-shirt, man. Well, that's the other thing, too, is Splinter was

always blazed, so it was trying to get you into that, too. Like, legalize it early, man. Or was that just like sewer fumes?

He's getting a high off of methane. Yeah, that's bad for you. So they go, they find them, They also love Underground. Ice tea.

The weird thing is, Ice Tea is, I think, second build in this movie. It's like Lori Petty, Ice Tea. Ice tea is like kangaroo number three, man. I can't even believe it. I can't even believe it. Because it's like, there's this dude named Jeff Cobre who plays her boyfriend named Bugha.

Jeff Cobra? Cobre. Oh, yes, yes. And then Reggie Caffee of House of Cards fame is the other one who's reincarnated by by Jack Carrowack Bowman. blah, blah, but he's got so many lines that Ice-Tee's like, yeah, I'm a kangaroo, what of it?

Like, every time he's like, no, don't do that. And they're like, shut up, Ice-T. He's like, yeah, good idea. There are so many shots in this movie of Ice-T just looking disappointed. Because, like, he comes up with an idea, or he's, like, playing it kind of like on the safe side and he's like, shut up, stupid.

He thought they called Cut already. That's just his natural reaction to the scene that they did this perform. But there was IMDB trivia was one of them was like Oh, Ice-T was giving an interview And somebody was like, well, what about 10 girl? That kind of sucks.

He's like, I was paid $800,000 for that movie. Next question. Which is the best answer to everything. And I don't know what else this radio DJ was expecting. Like in his head he's like, cool. I have Ice-T in the studio right now. I'm going to nail this fucker.

Watch this. We're going to be talking about, like, body count, his hip-hop career and how he was in the Army at one point. And then, out of nowhere, I'm going to blindside him by asking him, Snidly, well, what about Tank Girl? If anyone doesn't give a fuck about what you think, it is goddamn iced tea. Do your research. I think Twitter is a chat room. I come in, I make fun of people, and I leave.

I fucking love iced tea. I love his Twitter presence. I love everything about him. I would never try to fuck that dude over on the radio. Come on. You can't use gotcha journalism against iced tea. No, you can't. You really can't.

Ice tea was in a movie called Tank Girl. That's like if he's running for mayor or something. Oh, that's not going to happen. That's the opponent. Yeah, exactly. It's like, ice tea might be a kid. killer kangaroo, we're not sure. But, like, Ice-T should be the lead

kangaroo. Of course! God damn it! And I'm going to posit something right now, and I think it's fucked up. All right, all right. I think Ice-T was supposed to be her boyfriend kangaroo, and some asshole in 1995 was like, interracial sex with a kangaroo, no way.

It should be a white actor and a kangaroo suit, or else that's immoral and wrong. It's like, what? You hurt me. And this is the voice of a test audience, so figure it out. Did you not already see the 12-inch... 12-inch?

I did... This is the problem is I did not see this. The 12-inch kangaroo cock that they made for this thing? No. Wait, where can I see that? In Stan Winston's bathroom. So here's the thing. We do see their tails, doll. Those are nice tails.

Big-time tails. Yeah, maybe... I don't know, maybe that's it. I don't know. Is it the... Is it true what they say about guys who have big tails? Another tank girl classic. They take big shits, yeah. But no, apparently, so there is a kind of very alluded to sex scene

between her and Buga, and apparently they filmed the scene with a prosthetic kangaroo penis. I did not know this. Oh, yeah. That cost $5,000. Whoa. Five grand to make this prosthetic. kangaroo slash man

penis. Stan Winston must have been pissed. Well, that's my favorite thing about, is Stan Winston was approach and the director was like, there's no way I'm going to get Stan. And then Stan hears about the project with the kangaroo cocks and everything. He's like, I'm there. Oh, I'm there. Oh, I'm ready to do it.

Let's go. He was up late in the workshop for like two weeks getting this prosthetic penis just so. And then they were like, hey man, MGM cut that dick out. And he was furious. Yup, I got cut from the movie.

I was cast to play the prosthetic penis. I had all sorts of cool one-liners. I went on a cartoon adventure. But I just, can you imagine watching this movie? Because like the way they come into this, like the aftermath,

aftermath, again, no, just like the post-coitus. Poist kangakotus. Post-cangachio-Coytis? She fucked to kangaroo, man. Yeah, that's true. And they're both kind of like laying back, having a great time, and the camera's just like kind of pulling out, pulling out, pulling out. You imagine if they pulled out so far,

there was just a huge prosthetic penis in this movie. Like out of nowhere, no indication that this was coming, no heads up, no warning. I think it was a cut well done. It was, it was, that was a good... It was cut? And he pulled out? He pulled out?

And edit! You walked right into that bus stop. I really did. I really did by accident. But also, spending $5,000 on a fucking kangaroo dick, capitalism is a disease. What went into that? Like, how functional was it?

Could you imagine Stan Winston walking, like, home after, like, a long day of crafting a kangaroo penis and a homeless guy's like, hey man, got any change? Like, sorry, dude, I don't. And he's like, I know what you're doing in there. You're wasted all sorts of money on kangaroo dicks. I need to eat. That looks like a $5,000. kangaroo dick to me, buddy.

Does he want to eat it? Maybe, maybe it's good food. Stan Winston's like Michael Man, Stan Winston's on, like, his back porch and his wife comes out with, like, a cigarette of beer. He's like, it's a cox, Mary. It's a cox. I can't stop thinking of them. These cocks are going to ruin me.

So, she kind of, there's another adventure where they're like, all right, if you want to be part of, there's also this guy who's, just delete this character, who created the kangaroos named something prophet Johnny Prophet Johnny Prophet

Oh excuse me Doctor Johnny Prophet And this was like the The splinter right Of these kangaroos Yeah he kind of invented all of them And then left the movie And he's just not in the movie

But it's weird because like They have some bullshit story about He like left for cigarettes And he's coming back any day Because they're like When Johnny Prophet comes back He's going to clear all this up Naomi Watts Don't worry about it

Well, that's the funny thing, is he's like, oh, man. And they're like, oh, Johnny Prophet loved us. No, he didn't. He was like, you know, he was like kind of high with his buddies. You know, it'd be cool, like kangaroo people, man. And he's like, oh, my, he sobered up, he got the fuck out of there. Wait, you actually thought I was being seen? Oh, and they're already made?

Oh. I had to get some cigarettes. Listen here, B.D. Wong. I think it's going to work way better with the people than the dinosaurs. Well, Johnny Prophet. Ask so much if he could. He never asked if he should. That's true. And for all of you

budding geneticists out there, if you ever think to yourself, maybe I'll cross a person with a kangaroo. Think about if you should. The answer is no, you should not. So they're like, all right, the only way you're going to get initiated into our kangaroo

gang, nope, it's not through kangaroo stuff. It's actually by stealing a bunch of guns from the water and power people. Sure, what the hell? Okay. An hour and 15 minutes in, we get a fucking tank action sequence in a movie called Tank Girl. Too little too late, my friends.

As it turned out, I'd already checked out of Tank Girl. I tend to agree. And also, they're doing this whole bit where, like, water and power is the only game in town. Only game. It's a dead earth. I have a monopoly. So Lori Petty pulls the wool over all these people's eyes

by saying, we're going to put out a calendar with sexy guys on it that we're going to send to no one. What is this? There also seems to be three women on the planet. So, like, where are these calendars going to go? Nowhere to no one. Maybe the kangaroo people want them.

Oh, sweet, new calendars. Perfect. Ice tea loves calendars. Yeah, I got $800,000 to say that. That would be great. A latter-day SVU episode I was like, this sick son of a bitch is crossing people with kangaroos. That shit is so 1995.

It's a new drug out there. It turns people into kangaroos. Cangodil? They call it hop. I'm sorry. I can't. You could talk of me into doing some hop, dude. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you'd look good with a little pouch. Yeah, sure. Tail. Lord knows you can use a tail. You think I say lose some weight? Yes, I could. Also, you might get a kangaroo dick out of it. Well, then you'd be gaining weight.

So, I mean, like, it's an action sequence. She's using the tank. The tank is, like, finally doing stuff. We are finally doing stuff with this tank. She's, like, hijacking a truck. An awesome face-to-face song is playing. So my ears bricked up a little bit. My big kangaroo ear, bricked up.

And I was like, oh, maybe I'm into this movie. Fuck, yeah. Cool. No, I was totally duped by a punk rock song. Fool me once, Tank Girl. And one action scene. Yeah, and so it's a weird thing that where she's trying to, like, steal these guns to bring back to the kangaroo people.

But the kangaroo people are like, cool. You're going to get us these guns, and then we're going to destroy them. The truck is going to fall off a cliff. They're driving to a cliff for some reason. Which makes no sense. I think these two truck drivers were on a suicide run.

They're like, you know what, man? I'm fucking sick and tired of working for water and power. I have to drink my own urine all the time. Malcolm McDowell has made me walk over a glass four times in the last quarter. One of these days, I'm going to get a Gatorade bottle in my back, and that's going to be it, man. That's going to be my story.

You know what, that's a good question, Eric. Are we recycling urine in this? We are. There's a sign that says all, all bodily fluids must be recycled. Oh, all of it. Including liberal tears. Could we fucking shut up about it? drinking tears. I want to see a human being

drink tears if we're going to do it. I was going to talk about drinking come. See you later, Seaman. Oh, he's got a song on this soundtrack, and one of the big lines is about ejaculate. That's what you want. They were like

looking through the lyrics to this iced tea song, and they were like, Tracy, and he was like, it's ice. All right, Mr. Ice. Could you put some reference to ejaculation in this movie? And he's like, I thought it was a movie about like a girl with a tank and I was a kangaroo and they're like yeah yeah

but ejaculation please yeah it's 750 now it's 800,000 I fucking love ice tea man he's a cutthrow business man he's a shrewd negotiator so they get these fucking crates back to the

kangaroo lair it's a hangout oh it's a hangout it's like the ninja turtles hangout it's a common room yeah and it turns out There are no guns in it. There's, there's, like, sand because we're just doing the road warrior now. Right.

And, oh, what's this? What's this? Is that, that's a body? Oh, it's not Dracula, is it? It's Johnny Prophet. Oh, Buck. And you know how we know it's Johnny Prophet? Purely because there's a name tech that says, Dr. Prophet.

Hi, I made these kangaroos. He's got a T-shirt that's his, hi, I made these kangaroos. It's like the body in Conner. they're writing the whole story. They're like, fuck, man. There's no name tag, but he says, I made the kangaroos. That's got to be Johnny Provin. The first time I saw this movie a couple days ago,

I didn't even notice that. Like, I didn't notice any of it. This movie begs you not to pay attention to it. Like, you're trying to watch it, and your phone's like, come on, man, there's a lot of information on me. And you're like, ah? What's going on?

Who just had a kid? Oh. No, Tank Girl. here, check girl. Oh, man. Actually, cool part of this hijacking to backtrack for a second. It's kind of the only time in the movie

I was like, hey, cool. A dude totally gets run over by this truck, and she goes, Roadkill! So the roadkill part wasn't cool, but it was like a dummy. I'm a sucker for a dummy getting run over there. Any kind of dummy play?

Classic. Dummy play, all right? It was the best part of the movie, though. Yeah. Speaking of, Doug Jones is one of these kangaroos, by the way. Oh, you think that's on his reel? It might be.

At the time, it definitely was. That's what Guillermo D'Otero found. He's like, that is my muse. That can't... No, no, not Ice-T. And Ice-T's like, what, me? I've imagined what a kangaroo would be like having sex.

What about an underwater creature? The shape of kangaroos? Oh, yeah. I would watch that. Yeah, Liv, we got a new case. This lady's having sex. with a mermann. They should have done

a crossover with the X-Files or something. Yeah, definitely. Missed opportunity, in my opinion. Or how about sexual X-Files? There were a few sexual X-L X-Files. Yeah, hey man. And not just a porn parody, not the XXX-X-Viles. No, some actual, like, IRL episodes.

Dude, they're fucking kangaroos. Let's look into this. Hey, Scully. There's a report out of Vancouver. Someone's fucking a kangaroos. kangaroo. How does this relate to our job, Mulder? There's a blurry photo of a 12-inch kangaroo

dick. Mulder, the photo logo right there says Stan Winston Studio. I want to believe in kangaroo dicks, Stolly. Yeah, Liv, this sick son of a bitch is making porn parodies about shows that ended 20 years ago.

Yeah, man, your porn parodies have to be up to date you. Fucking Boston Legal Porn Parity. You want... In 2018? You want the hottest releases. Shark? Shark and actually starring James Woods?

Wow. Oh, God. Oh, man. No one remember Shark. There was a short-lived television show where James Wood played a piece of shit. Yes. Weird.

Pulled from his own life. Yeah, it's ripped from the headlines. So here's the big fucking conclusion of all this. We're going to assault water and power. Well, the funny thing is they're like, oh, my God, Johnny Prophet's dead. Cut to a cartoon. And Naomi Watts is like, look, the movie's about to end. Let's just, there's credits.

She's like got this like PowerPoint. She's like, all right, credits are here. And we have like eight minutes to fill between there. It's kind of crazy. Like, it's the middle of the movie. The phone rings. Right, Naomi Watts says Jack Girl picks up the phone. She's like, uh-huh, yeah.

No, I'm trying. No, hang on a second. Listen, the credits are coming. They're here. They're waiting outside. Look, you don't keep credits waiting. Let's fucking move it. No, I'm trying to tell them.

I'm trying to tell them. I'm trying to tell them. You know what? I should have put a letter on the door for the credits. They should have known this beforehand. If the red light is on, go around the corner to the coffee shop. We're still fucking around with Tank Girl. We don't need you just yet.

so they're going to infiltrate the whole thing they get the they get in the jet and they fly in and the tank girls do and shooting people right it's just a sort of

all out assault on this whole operation Reggie E. Kathy dies at this point right well this is ridiculous the whole movie Reggie E. Kathy's character

is like we have to plot this very carefully we can't make any false moves anything like that they get to this whole thing and they're like we have to shut off

that power thing up there and he just goes and runs through this factory and they just shoot the shit out of this guy kangaroo blood's going everywhere it's very easy to find a large kangaroo that is yelling it's a very easy moving target got it got it got it

it's very important that we mention this detail before they leave on this suicide mission they say like they have some like weird religious system in place and they like say a prayer or some shit and Reggie Kathy like reads some poetry while playing a saxophone and I guess the only reason this character plays the saxophone is because Regge himself played the saxophone

sure cool but this poetry is terrible it sounds like it's written by a stroke victim just because it's just like it's all like Smelling toast In my arm tingling Welcome back to an audio recording Of the poetry of Kirk Douglas

Oh my God Oh, come on He's like 114 And those strokes Happened a while ago So it's important to remember That this guy plays the jazz saxophone Because at the end of this scene

When Kangaroo Blood is everywhere It's all over everybody. This dude is like, all right, kangaroo friends, I'll see you at the big jam. And he dies, and there's a jazz saxophone outro. No way, man.

Because it's a saxophone note that's like, we might be fucking. But what you're looking at is just a dead mutant with a quad all over the place. We might be fucked. No, that's what happened. every time a kangaroo man dies is a saxophone note escapes him out that's yeah his soul was

music that's kind of beautiful eric it's very beautiful that's not bad yeah you should write poetry what do you think i've been doing here all night chris and then it's awesome because all these kangaroos like get in the circle and they're like is he dead he's dead and this is all it's one of my favorite like awkward moments for poor ice to you who I love he has no idea what to do with his hands in the scene because you can see him and he's like ah ah ah ah ah I want to see like the guys who are they're called the rippers right they killed all their friends Jesse and the rippers all these soldiers are like you know those rippers are just kind of congregating around that dead kangaroo over there grenade oh no don't throw

my clothes? No, my accessory belt. See, you wanted to take the grenades off the fucking suits after Richard Schiff died, and now we don't have any grenades to kill the stupid kangaroos. And the kangaroos start killing everybody. Malcolm McDowell is like, welcome back,

movie, I've left for a while, but I've returned. I'm done recording that Star Trek Generation CD-ROM game. I'm back from vacation. You'll notice I'm noticeably tan. than I was before. He's got like a robot, Dr. Clare arm. Oh, this thing looks so stupid.

Stupid as fuck, dude. And it's got little knives that spin, but then it comes to nothing. It never does anything. You never see you. I need that to, like, go into somebody's face kind of like that. Yes. Shred a face, man.

Shred a face off. Don't you agree, Chris Cabin? Who I just did that too? Well, it just, you touched me. You like being touched. Come on. Come on. You know, come.

Backstage, he's different. But, like, she discovers he has a hologram, and she's like, and he's like, yes, that, you know what, that means, tank, girl. It means that I can hurt you, but you can't hurt me. Where's his brain, man? Is it in, like, the chest? Oh, that's a great question. Like, Jaharhan, the Expanded Universe Star Wars character?

Yes, Eric, exactly the same. Yes, exactly. Or is it like, Tray. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. Or is it like that Johnny Depp computer ghost movie? Oh, Transcendant? Yeah, is he just like a computer ghost?

But just from the head? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I don't know, man. Maybe it's like a Frankenstein body with a computer head. I think the idea is ill-conceive. Oh.

Yes. She's putting that out there. It's a tank girl hypothesis. I don't know. If I had a hologram head and I was Malcolm McDowell's like, what if I had dark hair? Right?

Oh, it would be so easy to change hair styles, facial hair, What if I wore fun sunglasses? Yeah. But it's just like, boop. Can I have vampire teeth just over the hell of it?

Yes. Oh, dear, lost boys. You know, Steve, you just reminded me of something when you were doing that Malcolm McDowell impression, you were like, Tank Girl.

I had never seen this. And I just thought everybody was calling her Tank Girl. No. But the weird thing is everybody's like, Rebecca! Rebecca!

Except for Naomi Watts, who in two instances is like, Becky. Well, they're friends. Well, I know, but just somebody say Tank Girl. Yeah, I don't know. At the end, she should be like, you know, she's not the hero we deserve, but she's the tank girl we need or something. Yeah. She's on the bridge, like the Punisher.

I am. Tank Girl. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. You know what? Better moving. When she was a kid, did she fear tanks? And it'd be, you know.

She fell into a hole of tanks. I fell into a hole and then all these tanks were yelling at me. Yeah. And my parents were dead. I became what frightened me the most a tank.

Yeah. That's all totally great. That would be a great like tank girl flashback. Something. Anything. Some poor actress in this movie as credited is playing like young Rebecca. Cut.

Oh, no. The scene's deleted. But the I am. MDB don't care. Oh, by the way, Malcolm McDiles, nothing to do, so he's waterboarding,

this young girl, and I'm like, movie, what are we doing? Why did we do this movie? The girl that keeps getting kidnapped. Yes, that's all she does. Yeah, I don't know. It's slowly filling up with water.

By the way, I have a hologram head. Isn't it weird? I now look like carrot top. Now you're being killed by carrot top. Oh, that's going to haunt my name. Holy shit. Uh-oh, Fred Astaire's here now.

By a vacuum. Can you imagine, though? Just imagine this for a second, everybody. I want everybody to do this. Let's a little audience participation, okay? I want everybody to close their eyes. I want everybody to close their eyes for a second. Right?

Pretend you're just waking up from a nice sleep, and you open your eyes and carrot top is staring over you. How fucking bone-chilling is that, right? Now you know how I feel. that's scarier than hereditary man that's like really you just wake up it's like

and it's fucking carrot top and he's like gotcha thought it was going to be a weird girl but it's carrot top I've been working out for some reason dude juiced carrot top is one of the weirdest things

I've ever seen in my life it's just from lifting the suitcases he's doing so many shows yeah hey man I keep getting older these props are getting heavier and heavier But they stay the same age Yeah, those jokes

Those jokes stay the same age A couple of Caratop fans Yeah, I love foam hammers, what of it? Honestly, if you are a friend of Caratop Put in a good word, right? That dude like rules Las Vegas Yeah, all right, all right, okay. That's one of my favorite WTFs of all time

is when Mark Maron is like, okay, I'm either going to go talk to Caratab or I'm going to be killed in the desert one of the other is about to happen to me It's like the beginning of the insider actually He's got like a bag over his head He's in the back of a car I have to visit Karatap

It's the only way I love it He's like call it out shitty seas Like oh there was a McDonald's Okay Oh the road's gone By the way Stamps dot com

In case I don't live To see the end of this Karatop interview Stamps dot com So Tank Girl's gets the upper hand because her tank comes in and this is the only time the tank does this she's like

hey tanky and the tank's like do you want to kill Malcolm McDowell is like yes and it's like do you have any bullets like no and it's like come on I could be voicing that all I'm saying is I could voice that tank Arnie you did

a terrible job that tank had no soul and she gets into the tank and starts like shooting beer at him and it's like what are we talking about first of all how is there beer everywhere I still I still haven't figured it out is it just piss is that what it is

that's the thing it's called fast beer oh it's carbonated piss I'm sure you're all familiar put piss in a soda stream fast beer oh yikes do not try at home we are professionals on a close

course Chris remind me to never go to your house and accepted beverage ever again. So I've noticed something about this audience. You know my bathroom's in the kitchen. The audience

really likes cum jokes. Those are up here, right? Right. His jokes are like here, we're not sure about them. Kirk Douglas jokes? They're down here. That shit's messed up.

Look, I can listen to them talk about kangaroo cum all day. They made fun of Spartacus and I was out of there. And, yeah, I mean, she winds up, how does she get, what does she do to... Well, she's, like, hucking all these beer cans at him, you know, like a bad minor league baseball game. And eventually, I don't know, he just kind of falls over and his, like, arm gets stuck in a fence. Yeah.

A bucket falls on his head, right? Oh, right, a bucket of water. Yeah, pretty cool. Oh, I've been outdone by Mark Summers again. Killed by my own product Oh, the irony. Ah, Tanko! And then she uses his own Gatorade

bottle thing on him. But this is when they cut to a cartoon and I'm like, nah, dude. Like, I need to see him turn into dust. Totally. I have eight TV movies to do. Don't have the time. That's a good point, Chris.

When all of this is happening, like the head has gone away, so it's just like a half. headless, like, stunt double, being like, er, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, there's no McDowell there, only Zool, man. He's gone. Well, his face looks like liquid TV. It's, like, going, like, this way and that way.

Yeah, it's just, come on. It's really gross. And you think the, and, like, that's kind of the end of the movie, right? She saves the girl, and, like, it's, like, whatever. And she's like, oh, cool, my kangaroo boyfriend's back, and now a cartoon. No. End on cartoon. End on cartoon.

But it's this weird, like, we're told through the cartoon that she, like, sabotages the water plants, they free all the water, and I guess it goes back to society. We don't know, because then the cartoons are overworked. Well, no, this is clearly a prequel to Waterworld. Oh, fuck. Talk about drinking piss. Dennis Hopper's like, you went too far, dang girl, man.

There's water everywhere. The planet floods after this? That's what they say. How much water did he fucking happen for the way? You see, this is like Chinatown. Oh, fuck. That's right. It's like a sci-fi Chinatown, dude, totally.

He's a man. He's a kangaroo. You stuck your nose in the wrong thing, pink girl. Oh, was he at Liquid Silver? Roman Polansky played that role. You know what? He's going to die soon and it's going to be great. Totally. It's going to be real cool.

I can't wait I just feel like I'll be walking I'll be in the grocery store like why do I feel so good I was having a down day I feel kind of dead and I look at my phone and Twitter's like

Roman Poliinski's dead Yay gonna get like the Huffpo like bleep come up and it's going to be like celebratory emojis all over here like confetti But yeah

and end on a cartoon man She has some weird line where, like, because they're doing voices through this. So Naomi Watts is like, look out, Becky. And she's like, no, no, you're going to ruin the surprise. And I was like, oh, a surprise is coming. Cool. Credits. Which I think is an accidental sequel set up.

Yeah, I guess it is. Probably. The fucking balls. I mean, like, if you looked at Rachel Tallulay's whiteboard, 10 girls 2 through 5 were really good. They just needed to get through the first one. and then it was getting really good after that. Yep.

Two Tank, Two Girl comes after this. Two Tank, Two Girl. Also directed by John Singleton. That's weird. No, I guarantee you, if they rebooted fucking Tank Girl, Dwayne Johnson would play Tank Girl. That's how that would be. That guy could open a movie, man.

He should play the tank. Oh, yes. Yes. And Dwayne Johnson is tanking. even put him in any costume just let let a girl ride him around she's on his shoulders yeah he's like I want a tank

he's just shooting bullets out of his mouth yes yes you know he does in real life too bow bow wow oh he's like burdo yeah um bow

bow um bow bow um bow you know what cabin I would watch that movie I'm sure you would watch the fuck out of that movie man

uh so that's that's tank girl yeah I would say yeah that's the that is the appropriate amount of that clause

when someone finishes recapping the film Tank Girl that's what the new line like boardrooms sounded like

so that's a tank girl a woo can't wait to market this movie can we get somebody

can we get a cool soundtrack it's a great soundtrack that's where all the money went honestly If you want the 90s in a bottle

Right there Ice T's ejaculatory song It's there A Bush B-Side, it's there Some shit from Courtney Love It's there A Scott Weiland Side Project

That's the 90s, my friend RIPD I'm curious if We don't normally do this at live shows But I am pretty curious right here We'll do like an audience poll But we'll do us first Starting with Steve's Haydak

Would you recommend Tank Girl? No No, you're not Steve Sadek. Nobody gives a shit yet. Hang on a second. There can only be one. Go kill him.

I'm going to say it's a light no. It's kind of, there's fun here. I actually think Lori Petty's pretty good, et cetera, et cetera. It just, it's a, if it was 90 minutes and there was more kangaroos, I'd be way into it. Yeah.

But it's an hour and 45 and less kangaroos. I'm also going to say no. Like, I mean, not a harder no than his, though. Perfect. No. No, I'd say Watch it just for the kangaroos All right

A light yesterday Noted Noted Zoo fan Chris Cabin See it for the BCL That's not what I meant Too late, buddy That's just mean

I'm a no Because you tell me Ice T's in a movie And I have to wait an hour Fucking fuck you Thanks a lot, Andrew Now would you all Recommend Tank Girl?

No! That looks like a no. It's exactly what I hoped for. Just a cacophonous wave of screaming. So wait, Chris Kevin's the only one in the room that liked this movie. That's what I heard. The most contrarian film critics in the world. All right, 10th most.

Yes, of course. All right, so we've got to start wrapping up, unfortunately. I know. I know. I'm sorry, but we have had an absolute blast. We'll come again. What's that? come again. We will come again. We will come again.

A big thanks to the folks here at Collectivo. You guys been awesome. Thank you all for coming out. You've all been great. Give yourself a round of applause. But we'd like to end each show with a little bit of internet correspondence. And the best place to get

said internet correspondence specifically about movies is the user reviews on the internet movie database. Because where you can go for hard-hitting film criticism, is the internet movie database where any fucking psychopath can log under the computer

at 3 o'clock in the morning and write a review about a movie that no one will ever read until we do a live show about that movie. So we have two for you tonight. Who, too? None of them written by Chris Cabin. Although I feel that would be a four-star review

on Zoo.net. Wait, no, what are you talking about? Too late, Kevin. So the first one, 10 out of 10 stars It's a lot of stars It's a lot of stars For kangaroo sex

Subject line Fantastic for fun Flops What? I'll say again Fantastic fun for fun Flops What the hell

Fantastic fun For fun Are you having a stroke? That's beautiful man That beautiful poetry I'm Spartacus Dude, he's 114 years old. Enough.

Enough. The subject line is fantastic fun. Poor fun, four periods, and then the word flops, exclamation. All right. We need to know what this is. I don't know. I don't know.

From Downloader. What? Yeah. Look out, Batman. Here comes Downloader. He won't get out of his chair and he eats nothing but cheese Doritos. But I got your number, Batman. All hail downloader.

I'm going to take over at Gotham and slay Star Wars on the Internet. All right. By the way, this is also written in 2004. Okay? All right. Fabulous film. Loved every moment. girls the world over

should see this and take note girls don't want to have fun they want a tank what what indeed drive a tank get tanked tank at the box office

I don't know give me more please all capital letters I loved this popcorn munching evening Ew. Now I'm just I'm just reading what is written Okay. A popcorn

munching evening sounds like a slur. I know it's not. But it's just like, whoa, what the fuck? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, you're fine. I love this popcorn... What did you say? What did you call me? I think downloader meant to write the word even.

Oh, okay. I loved this popcorn munching evening getting lost... Oh no, so it was the evening they watched this film. Yeah. I love this popcorn and munching evening, getting lost in all the plot holes, et cetera, what a scream! Everything is there.

Poor CGI, poor lines, poor screenplay, but a fantastic story, an idiot's acting between all. I'm going to show this review to IST. $800,000. Exactly. Who's the idiot now? I think he'd arrested

downloader on SVU once. Hey, Liv, we got people stealing shit from the internet, calling themselves the downloader. Stop calling me Flops. I don't even know what it means. This is a must-see for all. Now it gets weird. Dim the lights.

Switch on the surround. What? And make sure you have all the popcorn you need. Popcorn is clear a euphemism. It's got to be. I can't be dealing with it. Then enjoy. If you can't do that, then you are a brain dead or a critic without a brain.

Nuff said. Oh. This fucking slam. They got me. Was that Stan Lee? Napsed. Adios. So then we'll get the opposite of you.

opinion, right? Fair and balanced here on We8 Moors 1 out of 10 stars Subject line What were they thinking? From user Duck Mang That's a Robin villain

I was going to ask if you know this guy dude Hey Batman Could you come help you out with Duck Mang? No, you got it This was written in 1998 so a little closer to the the release date of I'm not sure where to start

as I sit here in my jingo jeans drinking a surge which is very cold and my frosted tips are breaking off of my head alien ant farm blaring through my mom's CD player sweat coming through my sneaker pimps t-shirt sounds like a cool dude

yeah The script was putrid backwash from some writer's subconscious. No, it's based on a comic. Yeah, yeah. I could have made this... I love these. Oh, I love this part.

I could have made a better movie using action figures in my backyard with a Super 8 camera and a box of Cheetos. Of course Cheetos are in this review! They're on the brain, my friend. Say a box of Cheetos? Oh, yeah, a box of Cheetos.

Oh, he must be Canadian. In Canada, Cheetos come in boxes. Milk and Cheetos come in boxes. Look it up. Look it up. It's disgusting. Two staples for every household. That Chester Cheetah, what a guy.

No way! That's just a cheetah. Chris Cabin confirmed with me. You are fucking around right now. That Chester Cheetah, What a guy. That's, yeah, that's disgusting. He's looking at his, like,

Chester Cheetah form to dance, cheetah. Seduce me with your chederie ways. Malcolm McDowell must have been eating out of dumpsters to accept this obviously half-dimensional role. Yeah, what of it? I love garbage food. I have three. Three houses and I eat half the garbage. How you think I got them.

It's just smart. Yeah. It's good savings. People throw away a lot of stuff. Perfectly good stuff that you can eat. If anyone is ever like, hey man, we're going to go dumpster diving? De-friend that person to me. Where did all these moronic one-liners that poured from tank girls' mouth come from?

She would act ten times more skillfully if she got a lobotomy. this dude is fucking eviscerating this movie he's got him there's only one thing I can say about casting iced tea in this movie

why why not stupid I hope the madness will end someday what that's a bigger thing than tank girl

duck mang is at the end of his room I think you meant the Clinton administration or boxed Cheetos. Enough with boxing by Cheetos. There was only one redeeming

characteristic about this movie, and that was Jet Girl. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, boy. I know where this is going. Oh, no. She was a babe. Oh, no.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do you need tea? We can get you tea. too bad she was covered in Greece for most of the movie we are we hate movies from New York City everybody thanks so much for coming out we'll see you next time Milwaukee

bye thank you and I'm sorry That was a hate gum podcast.