We Hate Movies - S8 Ep375: Episode 375 - Cobra (Live in Baltimore)

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

Recorded live at The Creative Alliance in Baltimore, MD On the final Summer Vacation Live of 2018, it's a real WLM situation as the gang chats about the ridiculously entertaining Stallone vehicle, Cobra! What was he thinking putting that newspaper inside a backyard grill like that? What childhood trauma led Cobretti to cut his frozen pizza with scissors? And is this the worst police sketch in film history? PLUS: Would a Halloween film written and starring Stallone work? (Probably not.) Cobra stars Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson, Brian Thompson, Lee Garlington, Art LaFleur, and David Rasche; directed by George P. Cosmatos. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Well, we're built on factories We're lost where it's sting Going down past On the way to the way Hey little Johnny, there ain't no more with you Tell me, darling. We're heading through to the radio hall.

Good evening. It's a wild in the streets that you are somewhere in the sun. If you're in all today, tonight's so open. Good evening, Baltimore! Hi, everybody. How are you? Hi, Eric. Hi, how are you doing?

I'm all right. Okay. Yeah. Don't say hi to them to the audience. What? Wait, what? This is going great. It's not like they paid for anything.

Hey. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Cisca. And Stephen Cabretti. And we are we hate movies from New York City. How are y'all doing this evening? Now, real quick, how many y'all are familiar

with the program we run on the intranet? Very cool, very cool, very cool. But like we always, we like to warn people, get this out of the way. First of all, no refunds. Oh, wow. Secondly, now secondly, though. Take that up with the venue. Secondly, this is most important.

We are a podcast that takes a bad movie, or in this case, for tonight, an amazing movie. and just kind of plays with it for a little bit, has a little fun with it for a fashion. So there will be profanity. Possibly like bodily fluid jokes, maybe. For the second, I thought we were expected to make bodily fluid.

Yes, we play around it, much like your cat would play around with a mouse. So just be prepared. What? Kill them. I got you. Wait, are you saying what to bodily fluid to the mouse? A little bit of both.

Okay. They'll be here at the end. Now, here's the deal. I am curious. How many of you guys watched this movie before you knew that this is what we were going to talk about tonight? A appallingly low amount.

How many of you guys watch this in advance for the show? That's okay. Oh, that guy's got the actual thing. What's that, sir? Standard Definition DVD. Is that what it is, though? I love it. That looks like a flip case to me.

Is that a flip case? I miss the snap cases. Look at that. Oh, my. This is double-disc? Four three and one-side. Oh, my God. This man is living history right here.

I fucking love it. You know what? Show's dead to get into that guy now. That's right. Yeah. That's right, right there. It's just like the Goodfellas DVD. Equal, you know, good movies.

Oh, you flip it, dude. Just flip it. Flip that. That's right. I feel very far away a little bit. Yeah. How do you like it? Yeah, that's great.

So, tonight's film is indeed Cobra. Oh, I like that. Should I move the table, too? No, okay, you're okay. From the grand year of 1986, directed by George P. Cosmottos, director of Rambo 2, or First Blood Part 2,

Rambo First Blood Part 2? Rambo, Colon, the First Blood, Part 2, now with Rambo. Got it, okay, perhaps. This movie is kind of like a mashup, right? It's like Ram Cop. Or a cop-o. Coppo.

Copbo? Yeah. Ram cop kind of rolls up your tongue a little easier, though. I was going to say ram cop. That sounds way too much like a porno, sir. No, no. He's a ram and he's a cop.

It's a ram that's trying to clean up the city. It's a BoJack Horseman character. Yes, exactly. Oh. So, yeah, so does someone want to, let's see, let's pick from the three handsome bachelors I have up here. Eric Siska. Those up as a game show.

Would you like to distill the plot of this great film? All right, so it's a fascist film. And it's okay. It's okay to like it because, you know, it's like video games. Like, you want to kill people in video games all the time. This means you have to do it in real life. I've been trying to kill that Super Mario for years. Just kill him dead.

Oh, you're talking about like Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Right, yeah. Okay, so he's a cop, right? And there's a, like, a death cult that's ill-defined that... they just want to commit murders of the week they call it

and not like yes it's a murder of the week like a TV movie of the week but it's also of weak people oh W-E-A-K they're not doing it by week they have 16 kills before the movie starts man

those are great numbers those are great numbers can I tell you what I like about this cult it's super humble in what capacity because you know all the regular cults, they'd have robes, they'd have like a mansion up in the hill where they all meet

and kill each other and have sex together. It's like an eyes white shut situation. This guy is just hanging out in like abandoned railroad stations. And like it's just a bunch it's a bunch of guys with like hard hats and three piece suits. You have, there's no uniformity at all. I imagine we see, we

and this is my beef with this movie is we don't get a lot of like insight into this cult but what you do see is what I imagine like a men's rights rally looks like. Just a bunch of fucking assholes banging axes together and screaming and sweating.

Yeah, it's like to come as you are, you know, how's you're dressed, you know, and just like, just yell at each other. We are the Nightstalkers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, dress. Well, oh, oh, whoa, you're gonna need some axes. And that double-sided shit, not that one shit. Double-sided.

Oh, wait a second, wait a second. Are you saying, so this called the Nightstalkers, are they B-Y-O-A, bring your I? I think you have to be. It's the night slashers, by the way. Oh, slashers? I apologize to anyone who worships the night slasher, I apologize. Yeah, that's a problem.

Are they slasherites? They might be slasherites. Slashites? That sounds like a really bad website. Yeah, it does. Welcome back to slasherites. That's a website that's blocked at work. So we open on some Sylvester Stallone statistics, which I think are quite fascinating.

Oh, my God. I would say they're dubious. I would say they're very dubious. I don't know. This sounds a little accurate. Wait, Steve, are you saying he's full of shit? Yeah, I'm saying that. Okay. In America, there's a burglary every 11 seconds.

An armed robbery every 65 seconds. A violent crime every 25 seconds. A murder every 24 minutes. And 150,000 podcasts come out of day. Up next on Fox News. I thought he was reading off his own stats about what he's been doing. That's what I thought it was. I wanted him to keep going.

I was like, Jaywalk every minute. I'm not just talking about the tonight show either. There's a lot of Jaywalking. Every hour and 45 minutes, somebody rips off their own mattress tag, which is very illegal. I mean, people are thinking about it a lot more than they do it,

but eventually they get to it. You have to think about those people that rip the tags off in mattresses, and I think, Did people want to abolish the death penalty? That's his opinion, by the way. That's about as accurate as... He wants to kill everybody.

Cobrety or Sylvester Stallone? IRO. Sylvester Stallone. Oh, that's right. His name is, we'll find out later in the film, Marion Cobretti. Which, I mean, what village in Italy is Cobretti from, is my question? Like, what... Were they making cobras into shoes? Is that what's that going on?

I think he's born in, like, the snake district. Oh, I think. Yeah, I don't know. Snakeskney. Is he... Okay, but is he cobra? The cobra, or cabretti, mainly? It's all three.

It's like, God. The holy tree. Yeah, Yahweh, the cobra, the Yahweh. Yeah. Okay. But I guess my question is, what is he going by, like, in the off hours? Like, when he goes to, like, I don't know, let's say Easter dinner. Okay.

It's Marion. When he goes to Mama's house, it's Marion, you know. I think he's making his entire family call him Kobe. How about Ready? But, son, we all are named a Cobretti. We all at the cobra, but we all not at the cobra at the same time. Why are you embarrassed with your family name? You make a mama so sad.

I'm not hungry, Mom. I'm not hungry. So, what the fuck, man. Why are you living in a weird room with a room with a... only a computer. Why is it you not have a bed? Because I don't sleep, because crime don't neither, ma.

Why? Why do you cut the pizza like that? Why? Oh, fuck. We'll get to that. It's an insult to your grandfather who making the pizza. He makes a cobra pizza. That's what they call it the Cropretes. You put a little

coma on the pizza you throw it up, but yeah, you cut it without the scissors. You cut it with a... A piece of cutter? And you don't put it in the freezer. There's so much that's wrong and disgusting about that. But we start with a good old-fashioned grocery store hostage situation. And, you know, the old argument that seems like endless and pointless simultaneously

about whether or not diehard is a Christmas movie, I'm disgusted by the fact that Cobra does not come up in this conversation. Because this brutal action slash pretty much. a horror movie takes place at Christmas. But he doesn't even get a ho, ho, ho out. Like, you're going on just, like, random trees in this freaking market.

It's a grocery store that's a dress for Christmas. What the fuck am I supposed to sing? Someone gets shot and they fall into a Christmas tree. There's nothing more Christmas than that. It could be like a sad January situation. You know what I mean? Like, everyone's a little lazier than they needed to be kind of a situation?

We just refuse to take those decorations down. I remember we had our tree up to St. Patrick's Day one year. Holy shit. It was a fake tree. We took the ornaments off, but we never got around to putting the tree on the box. Were you putting, like, other holiday decorations up? Like a bunch of, like, pink and red hearts for Valentine's Day. Well, Valentine's Day came and went to the Santa Castle, and that tree was there.

Somebody came down St. Patrick's Day because of a drunken fit. Somebody whose body slammed did do it. Yeah, was it taken down or was it torn there? No. You grew up like a feral animal That's why the comic book shirt So there's a hostage situation An acolyte of this night slasher

Walks in and just starts shooting food First Not people but food They hate food dude First of two Seinfeld actors That we have in this movie Who did this guy? This was the head of the Cuban cigar rollers

Oh yeah blinking, you'll miss that. The firing, the shotguning of the food was an odd turn for Guy's grocery games, wasn't it? There's an odd challenge from Guy. What is that? Guy, it's Guy Fieri. Nice trail.

You hear that trail? It's basically like a chopped situation, but you're inside Guy's grocery store. Oh, I am already cutting my own throat. You'll find the exits who've been sealed. You've got to make food out of garbage. Don't worry, you are smelling gas

All right, you need to get the can of tomatoes, the cat litter, and the buck shot out of the tomatoes and whip up a delicious dish. So it's your classic, like, we don't know what to do in the situation. We've got 90 cops surrounding the premises, but we can do nothing until someone says, better call the cobra. Yes.

The cobra. Not only does someone say that, but personified glazed ham Art LaFleur says that. Yes Holy shit But the hostage situation is not going well Because they're like

You know They got the bullhorn out The places around it They're like There's no way out It's all going to end I don't think you're supposed To do that in a hostage situation

You're not supposed to let them know That the only way out of here Is a fucking body bag It's more like Let's talk about this We're the LAPD We got rid of all our negotiators You will be dead

before sundown. Do not worry. You might as well throw more death on the pyre, my friend. More bodies for Satan. You might be able to barter with him that way. L-I-D, punk. Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn. That is what

they should say. That's just the badge. It's not server deck, dead by dawn, L-A-P-D. Sounds like the RIPD right there. Yeah, you kind of is. So, yeah, we bring in Cobretti, man, and here he comes in all his glory. in sunglasses.

Holy fuck, these aviators. Well, we gotta talk with the car. First, the car... Oh, right. Is the size of this stage. It's the oldest car imaginable. You might as well come in in Model T or something.

Looks he's going to help Dick Tracy. I think fucking Gomez-Adams drove this car. His license plate is awesome 50. What does that mean? I think Stallone brought that from home, first of all. You're not asking for that at, like, a DMV. You can't.

Yeah, I would like to say Awesome. 50. For your child? I think what happened is he's like, I wanted to say awesome. Oh yeah, that's taken. Awesome one. Awesome two. How about you take out

the vowels? How about you do that? The sun goes down. Awesome 49. All right. Awesome 50. Oh, they have it. Oh, the guy. I was about to go to Cool One. By the way, Kevin, what are you talking about?

He wouldn't go into a DMV and ask for that. Have you ever seen a personalized license plate? They're all fucking terrible. I think it's homemade in this little desk fucking thing. I have never seen a personalized license plate and gone, oh shit, that's cool. Fuck, that is. You know what that is?

An awesome personalized license plate. Someone in the audience with Awesome 65 is just like, I'm so glad I didn't take a card at the car. to the show. I'm so glad I Ubered it. So Combra sneaks into this grocery store, gun drawn, ready to roll, and just kind of starts firing wildly at this man

immediately? Well, we have to go through what is a world of Pepsi advertisements. The product placement in this movie is, muo. Coors. Oh my God. Coors, rice errone. They've got like second and third bill, but Pepsi is

everywhere. But I love Pepsi being like, oh, what's this movie about? A cop? Indiscriminately killing people? Yeah, I'll... Well, here's a million dollars. Well, he is the voice of a new generation. I mean, it must have been a cool million man. Pepsi is everywhere. But Coors, I love

that he's drinking on the job. I guess it's sort of like, I might die right now. I might as well have one more kiss a banquet beer before I go. The last thing I want to touch my lips is Coors' banquet beer. Well, go ahead. I mean, this guy who is holding the king market all the...

He is shooting wildly, and Stallone says, Lousy shot. I hate a louser shot. I wish all these people were fucking dead. Why couldn't you be better at killing all these people with a shotgun? Well, it would be easier for him, right? You know, if it's just one dude in a supermarket, you don't have to worry about hostages, you just light it up.

Yeah, that's true. Covering kerosy. He's not about saving people. He's about avenging their death. Hey, I can't avenge nothing unless someone's getting murdered. There ain't no murder. I'm out of a job. Have you ever heard of a cobra

saving someone? No, it's always stinging him on the leg. Well done. He's got these aviator sunglasses, which it must be invisible. Like, he can't see. Shit. All the lights are out.

They don't even have it on the freaking, like, in the meat department. This is like his Jedi training, you know? Like when Luke put the helmet on. I would the blast shield down, I can't see you think. Reach out with your feelings, Cobbredi. The fucking, like, the method here of the LAPD is like, all right, we're going to send this cop in. All right, kill the lights. Make it completely dark.

Did he keep his sunglasses on? Perfect. Okay. Well, I think that's what everyone's beef with Cobra is. It's not about the murder because it's the LAPD. they love that shit. It's about the sunglasses. It's like, it's a bad look for the police department.

Because he's just wearing sunglasses? Because he can't fucking see. Oh, yeah. I just thought you meant in general. Like, he's wearing them in the meetings. Yes, exactly. Like, uh, Marion, the sunglasses. Well, and his chest is constantly exposed.

Oh, yeah, man. I mean, they just must be getting jealous and hot. It's gorgeous. So he kills this dude pretty quickly, right? It's a great thing where he's like He's talking to him They have a little chit-chat And he's like, you're the, it's a famous

You're the disease and I'm the cure And the guy's like, wait, what are we talking about? I know, I want TV cameras I want a helicopter, I don't care You're a fucking germ And it's like, what? There's a great line The guy's like, I'm gonna fucking kill everybody in here

And he goes, it's alright I don't shop here if you were at Wollies down the street maybe we would talk I'd be a little upset because they got the good pursuit down there just stay away from all the price choppers but he goes

That's regional sorry As he's doing this he pulls out a knife and he throws it into his chest and as he throws it into his chest he goes drop it which I feel like is for like the investigators later on is like I did tell him to drop it Look, I told him to drop it.

He stole my knife, and I told him to drop it. It's the one fluid accent. Drop it, and he blows him away, like, really quickly. Like, there's no way, there's no time for him to react. It's great. Yeah, he shoots him, too, and it's just fantastic. And he sees, like, the one living woman, and he's like, you're welcome, your life is ruined now.

Because you just saw that shit. Whatever you do, don't seek out therapy. Do you think, like, in the original screenplay, there was a cleanup in the ILX joke? Oh, that would have been amazing. But then, like, somebody was like, Sylvester, that's terrible. And then, like, they shut down production

for eight weeks to retool. Well, Stallone famously would not talk to anybody on set, right? That was the thing. Like, this is the height of the Stalloness. It's 1986. The 80s were never going to end. Right? That's when, like, we thought, like,

the 80s were going to continue forever. Cobra wouldn't talk to actors and he's just so method. Oh, I see. Well, Cobra's an asshole, so that means I'm an assholes. Exactly. I call all those free pass roles, I can just be myself on set and it's totally fine.

I'm not going to apologize for killing your dog. Cobra killed your dog. So he goes out, the media is there, and there's this straw man, like, news reporter. He's like, Cobra, why'd you have to kill all those people? Come on, Cobra. Yeah, there's like, you know, like, cops aren't supposed to be the jury and the judge. And he's just like, you know, yeah, we're telling to his family.

Look at this dead kid. Yeah, he used the dead kid as a prop, like his fucking parrot. He shugs this dude's face into a dead kid's chest. And he's like, look at it. Look like a dog that peed on the floor. He's like, look at that. Look at that. Now you tell that to his family.

Uh, uh, eh. Yeah. Now they're kissing. Now they're kissing. Did you get that news cameras? I don't know why I always get in trouble at work. I do a great job. Look at him. Look at it. Say you like it. Say you like it.

And his one, like the one dude on the forest who's his only friend, the other Seinfeld reference here, we have Poppy playing a newsy cap-wearing detective. And this dude is like, yeah, Cobra killed that guy. The fuck you care. He's a cobra's hype man It's a cobra cum, and you're going to kill everybody Hide your daughters Because you're going to get killed

And he's dressed like a 1950s cab driver It's so awesome Do you think they talk to each other about like Alright if I got this car You gotta wear a newsboy cat Sorry man you gotta go with the car Yes I think that did happen Could you stitch Awesome 50 at the back of your jacket

See I'm the awesome you're the 50 See, I'm very hot, man You've got to be Walter Mathau If only, man Better movie if he was in there Oh, if Walter Matho was playing Poppy's character Oh, totally, dude Yeah, Cobra killed that guy, fuck it

I buy it better I'd be like, holy shit, yeah, okay But this guy's old guy on the force Yeah, exactly, no, he's totally old He was like, this is how we did it all the time Oscar Madison was a sports writer Whose wife left him, he's very messy Marion Cobretti kills a lot of people

and his wife also left him Cobra's the voice of a new generation and by new generation I mean old generation by old generation I mean murder is abusive police They would both be very messy That's true We do see, so Cobra goes back to his apartment It is, there's watch it like some sort of Christmas special

Like it's really fuck away No it's a Toys R Us commercial Oh wow for Toys R Us in the middle of a murder movie This is awesome Like I don't know I don't know what you know what end comes first When you're talking product placement

Like was Warner Brothers pitching Different businesses to come in Or were like I like to think that businesses Were just signing up for it It was Toys R Us like Oh that New Sylvester Stallone movie Well he played that famous boxer right This can't be that bad

And then like Franklin F Toys R Us is like in the theater And like you know We've just seen this dude's heart explore blown out of his body. Show it, so did she turn into a cobra? We could make a toy out of that and sell it. Oh, what, it's a murder cult?

Oh, no. I was thinking something a little bit more like splash, like this end of his deal. Oh, it's him at a bathtub, and he's writhing around. Oh, oh, yeah. You made me a real person I used to be half cobra. No, no, I'm not going to get in that basket.

Oh, cool, I got genitals now No, I'm not getting out of the tub till you charm me Yeah, I used to sleep in a big basket Now I want that I want that movie It's called literal cobra It's a prequel Fuck, yeah, oh that's good

But yeah, we go to this dingy, weird apartment The Pepsi Apartments The Pepsi Gardens Because there's this huge huge neon sign I think I can sort of give an example of the size difference we're talking about here

right so like Cobra's apartment it's like you're kind of your cop apartment right it's a penthouse type thing so the door let's say the door is maybe like this right yeah wow it's a small guy but the Pepsi sign is like this fucking big and it's neon

and it's lit up for the holidays it's amazing you know living here is a real Pepsi challenge You monster. That's why he has sunglasses on all the time. His retinas all fucked up. They're totally burned out. Speaking of Seinfeld, it's like the Kenny Rogers Roaster's side.

Yeah, all my rods and cones are fucked up. Pepsi. Pepsi. Pepsi. Now, I think for all the things we're going to talk about that happened in this movie, I think this is the moment that's the biggest head scratcher. So he's about to walk into his apartment and it appears like he shares

the floor of this building with a couple of other apartments or whatever. And they've got a nice community grill. Sure. Just sort of outside. So like Cobra is walking up to the front door. He stops. He's got a newspaper under his arm. He lifts up the grill, inserts the newspaper,

closes it, and walks away. Under a grill. This guy is derange. This guy is a total maniac. He's out of his mind. He doesn't know what garbage. I wonder like, Hey, Cobra, the garbage is this area? That's where I

eat food. That's where I prepare my meals. Combra, I don't know how many times we have to send you a letter from the Homeowners Association, but this is really, really inconsiderate to the rest of us. And then the garbage, you put a bunch of water and your clothes and laundry detergent. I don't

know... Yeah, I put it all in, and then I take a stick and I just beat it. And then my t-shirt is clean. My single he's a dude who's washing clothes in the sink oh absolutely I would think so spending money on that no sir but I don't think he's got a bed in there

he goes in he's kind of like a low rent Batman he's got like three computers which is kind of like a bat cave right in 1986 yes that's like a real deal man three computers in 1986 he's like some sort of mega genius he probably does sleep like Batman you know upside down from his

chin a bar. Oh, that's right. That was the stupidest shot in that movie. Really? Batman 89 when he's just like acting like a bat for no reason. Oh, yeah. He's got to get into the mind of a bat. Yeah, but like why.

So you're telling me, you don't understand why the guy who calls himself Batman acted like a bat. But, yes, I get it. He's also crazy. It's also like bad for your head. Like the blood's going to rush there. You might die.

Oh, and vigilanteism. That's great for your health. Yeah, it is. Dude, he asked if people wanted to get nuts and he wanted to get nuts. That's what Kambasinger is like, I should leave.

This was great, but I'm gonna go. Oh, I've made a huge mistake, Alfred, drive me home now. How many times do you think Alfred had to listen to a fucking in the Wayne Manor? It was a big castle, man. Yeah?

Had to? Yeah, that's a... Oh, good. Better turn the television off. The real. show's begun. He's really doing it now. It's in sonar. It's just the meme with the guy throwing

the popcorn up. Wonderful, master Wayne. Wonderful. Just exquisite. Another A plus performance. Didn't Alford do like Pepsi commercials or something too? Oh, they did, yeah.

Are you where he's like he's about to go out? He's like, would you like a Pepsi, sir? No, I'm going to save the fucking world. and drive 100 miles an hour. I can't have a Pepsi in this car. Also, that makes me fart a lot. If you try to fart in this rubber suit, it's awful.

It's really awkward when he's, like, walking around and then he just accidentally fights because the cape goes back a little. You didn't see that. A bad man of medicine. You fart through rubber into a hard leather cape, and the cape moves. Holy shit.

That is a powerful fart. You're blasting ass. How the fuck did he get down this road? I'll roll in a diaper for you next time, sir. Was he dipped into Evada chemicals as well? Is that how that works? Yeah, ass first, dude. So, yeah, he does come home and he does take this pizza out of the fridge.

Out of the freezer? Yeah, which, yeah, on my second watch, that became clear. I was like, oh, wait, that's the freezer. He's taking out of the freezer. So that's why he cuts it with the scissor, because it's ice hard, I guess? I don't know, man. I think so. This is the second most confusing part about this movie.

First, grilling a newspaper. Second, chopping a frozen piece of pizza with scissors. I think it's because this apartment is just all office supplies. There's no silverware. I do have a legitimate theory about this. Oh, do tell. I do think this was, Stallone had the idea of, like, you know, fatties, you're just going to keep on eating pizza.

You just order it and you clip off a piece every day for every meal. And he was getting ready to, you know, publish it. With the Sylvester Stallone pizza diet? Yes. For his true fans. You publish a whole book

about that? Yeah, just, yeah, clip it. So you don't eat so much food. Clip it. He just clip it. He is fucking, like, constantly berating Poppy. It's like the relationship that

is like, Poppy's character is constantly eating junk food. You got all the junk food, Poppy. And he does the thing that you see in like a ton of 80s like cop movies like this where it's like,

why don't you have some health food? Why don't you have some fucking vegetables? And Poppy's like, because I work on these cases with you and my life is horrible. And if I have a fucking baby Ruth every once in why, I'm going to do it. Yeah, exactly. I saw 10 people die today.

I deserve a hamburger. You know how many bodies I've gotten rid of for you? Oh, yeah. I mean, there's like the cases that the press catchers onto and then there's the other shit that Poppy is covering up. They call them Super Cobra's. So we hear a little bit of news report about the Night Slasher.

Is he the night slasher? He's the night slasher. All right. Then what are the rest is everybody? Are they all night slasers? Yes. No, well, the dumb press, right? They think it's all...

They think it's just one guy. But it turns out everyone is a night slasher and they're all against me. I think that's what his religion is. He's a night slasher. I'm a night slasher once a year. I go to a night slasher.

warehouse and knock two axes together. Mike Pence, you can have your cross and you Jesus. I pray to the Night Slasher. I have a painting. I have a painting of Brian Thompson above my bed. Cobra is the

greatest film ever made. But we hear a little bit of the Night Slashers and it's like, I was interesting because I only saw this the first time a couple days ago. It was like, oh my God, there's no pattern. They've killed a businessman, a tourist, a kid. Like, there's no pattern.

A kid that they sexually molested. Yeah, sweet detail, Cobra. Thanks a lot, screenplay. But I'm like, oh, cool. So, like, we're going to see a lot of different people get killed, not just, like, a very attractive woman, but the only victims we see are very attractive women. Which is, like, the move.

By the way, they get the number out. 16 dead in a month. That's what we call a quadruple Brookerwitz. That is insane And then he gets to like 40 by the end of this No, the death count in the movie is 52 Stallone has killed 41 people by the end of the movie So that's 11 that go to him on top

So that's 27 in like six weeks I think that's why the night slashes like him so much They're trying to recruit him It's like no dude we like your style Yeah most of your message is pretty on point But annual dues I don't think so not on this cop's salary

Axis? Nah. I don't like the competition. That's what he's doing, yeah. So then we cut to the night slasher's attack this woman. They've got an axe. He's got this weird Krull sword thing. I thought it was like Klingon. Yeah, exactly.

It's something like straight out of a fucking fantasy novel I'd never open. It's a brass knuckle with spikes on the knuckles and then it's got a long dagger too. I like the idea of, like, Brian Thompson at a fucking knife shop. He's like, it's for hunting. No, it's just for hunting. When you have to immediately tenderize the meat, right?

I thought you were going to say it was Brian Thompson at, like, a Cobra fan convention. Oh, yeah. Selling them? Do they have Cobra fan conventions? I wouldn't know. Well, Steve, you're Facebook friends with Brian Thompson. I am Facebook friends.

Steve, could you all tell us just how it was you became Facebook? Facebook friends with character actor, Brian Thompson. I was drunk one night, big surprise. Googling for the night slasher. No, I was not Googling for nobody. It was people you may know. And it's like, oh, that's like some guy I met her Christmas party. That's this girl I used to work with.

Oh, and that's Brian Thompson. We had a mutual friend, and I was like, I'm going to click it, man. I'm working up the nerve to click like on Brian Thompson. And he's just like his character so deranged and mad that he would accept your friend. Yes. Now, Steve, do you recall, like, so you clicked, like, send friend request, right? Were you then, like, oh, how long is it going to take? Were you like, oh, is he going to say yes?

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Yeah, it's like the end of the social network. I think it was immediately. No. Did you ever remember how long it's? No, no, I don't know. Because I imagine he's getting, like, thousands of days. Thousands?

That was the joke. Dozens? Steve, can I ask you a personal question? Sure, please. You ever poke him? I'm not poked. I've also not, like, scrolled through the back of his, his whole photo feed in, like, the early photos.

That's great. That's gross, man. You get that, like, on a photo, and you're like, when was that? Oh, my God, nine months ago. I'm liking your photographs. Mr. Thompson. I liked that Christmas photo of you and your dad 10 years ago.

Oh yeah, you better believe it's 1 a.m. Also, I'm a huge X-Files fan if you couldn't guess. Everyone's getting butchered. And then there's a witness drives by, you guys, in the form of Brigitte Nielsen, who is unfortunately married to Sylvester Stallone at the time of this film.

And she witnesses, she sees Brian Thompson, like, standing in the road blood coming out of his mouth or whatever it was going on. And she slows down. Pro tips speed the fuck up. She stops and does like, is everything all right over here? It's like a woman's

head in the street. Like, fuck it, keep going. Nobody's acting like 18 people died in the last three weeks. Get the fuck out of there. It would be a national emergency about 60, this many people dying in this span of time. Like, there'd be the national guard in the streets.

Reagan definitely knows. Mommy, I was just informed about something that's happening in our old stomping grounds of California. Why would he say California like Schwarzenegger would? Because I'm drunk? All governors did that. It's because Arnold Schwarzenegger's the heir apparent. That's right. That's exactly right.

I will become governor. So, yeah, so... That's right. It's like I'm coming. It is like you're coming. It's like I'm coming for big change in Sacramento. Look out.

Look out, those changes away. It is like the movie Cobra. I will night slash Gray Davis. That's the guy that he beat. Yeah, oh yeah, deep. That's like 10 more Gray Davis jokes that have ever been made. That one joke I made

was 10 more. You want to throw some Kenneth Lay on there just for good measure? I'll leave it B-man. It's like somewhere my ears are ringing. Someone told a joke about me. Yeah, so now we cut to my favorite montage of the movie.

Steamed Ham Art LaFleur is like, all right, Cobra, you're now on the case. Even though he's part of the zombie squad. Why, that's a good thing? You want to be called a zombie. I know, I... No, he makes zombies. Oh.

And then he gets it back up. No, he makes corpses. Right. And where does the zombie come into this? I think what it, you know, I think we've deduced here is that it makes no sense. Just sounds badass. But he's like, you're on the, you're on the case. And by the way, you know, they do say, hey, Cobra, you know every scumbag in the city.

Every scumbag. Beauty is church. And so it's a, it's a montage of fine. out where the night slashes might be which comes to nothing but you also see a Brigitte Nielsen photo shoot with robots I don't know

this is the best part of the movie I think it's like advertisements for like a robot factory it's where they bought the birthday robot and Rocky Ford happy birthday cobra happy birthday cobra

and we get the best song ever that's like it goes a little something like, was like, you're working your finger to the bone. It's like you're trying to get blood from a stone. Angel in the city. But it's also a way for you to get up here with the spotlight and do it. Angel in the city. But it's also done by...

Robots. It's Darth Vader because it's like, oh, Angel in the city. It's a good song. By the way, it's on Spotify, if you want to do it. It's rock it. Is it actually on Spotify?

It is. I was listening to go and repeat this movie. so good you want to know how we prepare for shows that's how we fucking prepare for shows repeat one man so David Rash is the photographer

and it's a bummer because his role was like totally slashed out of this movie I guess he was sort of a bigger character including a hilariously sounding brutal death that we don't get to see which kind of stinks well because he's like trying to have sex with her like immediately he's like walking her back to her car

and he's like why do you just have sex with me. She's like, ew, no. Well, do it for your career. And she's like, no. It's kind of great because he's like trying to pressure and it's totally not working. It's like, no. Well, there's also a security guard who knows what's up, because this dude is like, hey, would you

like me to walk you to both of your cars separately? And he's like, no, no, no, no, we're good. And she's like, but I, no, no, no, no, we're good. And no one will help her except for the night slashes. The secret good guys. Like the night slasher

See what's going on in this parking garage And they start smashing this dude's window With axes immediately Sure we're fucking crazy killers But we're not like that I mean we did molest that kid But whatever You know what

That was just one guy He was on like a trial membership We booted him Yeah I mean that's the thing You had a couple bad eggs In a night slasher organization for sure That is not what the night slashes are about We are totally appalled by Gary

It's just too big of an organization Hey cool night slashes right we like fuck people no no we don't what what are you talking about Gary no it's cool I love night slashing everybody who loves it we punish the weak

we kill them no we don't do that you sure man big Brian Thompson's just like eating a chopped dog arm like that's repulsive that's fucking too far you gotta go man they should be cannibals by the way I'm the scumbag.

I guess that's me, man. I'm just Gary, trying to live Gary. Maybe I'll start in my own coat. Fuck coat. It's going to go. Gary's fuck coat. You want to join? Look, look, Gary.

I may be, you know, swimming in a pool of blood. But you're grotesque. So that the night slasters do murder this dude pretty quickly. Bridget Neal says this security card gets it so good. Oh my God. Somebody bought a security guard puppet and they didn't know where to use it. Where, oh, where

could we put this security guard puppet? So he gets annihilated by this van. By the way, the Night Slasher is never using gloves. He's always just all around and somehow these fucking idiot cops can't break the case. And also you explode an elevator and an alarm doesn't go off? Yeah. Maybe.

Oh, that's right. There is an explosion kind of when the van rams into everything. Also, hilarious bit of collateral damage because like the photographer gets murdered with this axe and the dude is like turning the axe around and there's some like nerd walking through the parking garage and this dude gets like the axe the other way oh my god he had a bottle of champagne by the way

it was going to be a good night for that guy going to see the mistress going to see the mistress day to day it's like December 23rd mistress Christmas got everything mistress Christmas I'm working late hon Gotta go say the mystery. It's the most wonderful time of the day.

Oh, no, I'm dead. I wanted those robots to wake up at some point, you know? Like, to cinch trouble. That's, see, what you needed was, like, people in those robot suits, right? Because they're just, like, standing there, and Brigitte Nielsen's, like, dancing on them. But I want those robots to dance back. The night slasher, the night slasher's run in, and they're just, like, do robots bleed? And they start cutting all these robots.

and all the, these people in it start bleeding would be great to be. So you're trying to do a nice last year V. chopping balls here is what we're trying to get to? I was thinking you get the best robots of all. Sir Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker, man. Yeah, chop those fuckers up good.

I thought you're going to say Syrax, dude. Maybe Sector. Those are Killbots. That would be a great show. That would be fantastic. I don't know. I think Syrax wins in that scenario. Fatality?

Yes. Babality, probably. So she sees. Brian Thompson and that's like kind of the thrust there's like four scenes in this movie maybe five she sees Brian Thompson's like okay and they get a police sketch

and you don't actually see the part of the police sketch happens but I feel like it's her being like okay yeah he was about 6'4 285 pounds like full lips and his eyes were a little close together the guy's like I'm just drawing he man he's just like I love he man it's the silliest police sketch

I've literally ever seen I fucking love it, dude. I want to get this sketch tattoos. It's awesome. Well, it certainly didn't sound like Skeletor, so the G-Man, it is. Next crime? Oh, another He-Man.

That's why they think the Night Slashers is one guy. It's like he's drawn He-Man. You know, a good thing about the new budget is that we got Ralph Backsheet to be our sketch artist, actually. Now all the murderers look like sexy cats. And wizards. Yeah, I was just robbed. He was like 5'4.

I think he was Dominican. Yeah, I'm growing he, man. Big broad. Did he have a broadsword, you said? Is that a broadsword? Double-sided axe, kind of close enough. It's like, yeah, huge forehead, sunken eyes, could play a caveman without much makeup.

I mean, come on. It would work, is all I'm saying. Then Cobra shows up, and he's like, well miss I'm doing detective work do you know where he lives are you sure do you do you like

did you catch his name by any chance did he he happened to slip you his phone number trying to find this guy it wasn't in perfect daylight oh okay I'll change all this I show you don't have his social security number I asked

Every scumbag in the city. Who I know. There are a couple scumbags that were on a skum-cation. They're not going to be back until next week. They're out at the beach being scumbags. I'm going to ask those scumbags next scum week.

He's got one of those flip books with all of the mug shots in it except for this tall. Yeah, exactly. Not him. Not he, man. Not he, man. that kind of looks like man in arms maybe put that in the maybe pile I mean that is a weird shirt but no that's not him so then this movie turns into Halloween 2 for a little while

fuck do I love this part oh my god it's pretty good so Brigitte Nielsen is like in the hospital after this you know the the night slasher's attempted attack and whatnot so Cobra's like all right I'm gonna go home I'm gonna like unfreeze a pizza or something Oh he's not He's not gonna unfreeze it He'll eat it frozen Side side theory Maybe he uses the frozen pizza

Like a chicken They eat rocks to like digest food So he has like all these like hard pizza pellets To digest other food Why are you trying to excuse this behavior He's a maniac I'm with cabin dude This is some fucking weird shit

Are you calling Cobra a chicken? Yes You get killed for that man so he's like I'm going to leave Poppy here to watch you Poppy definitely don't leave this hospital and then ten seconds later Poppy leaves this hospital and so the Night Slasher walks in and he like murders this janitor immediately

Well because there's like this Stockard Channing looking lady that's also part of the thing and she's like Oh she's a crooked cop? She's a crooked cop and she's like look she saw your face you have to kill her and he like dyes his hair or whatever and he goes in he dies his... Yeah, that'll fucking fix it. And, well, the idea is like,

okay, this guy's like six foot forward, 300 pounds, solid muscle, but he had blonde hair. Oh, you can go right in, sir, you have black hair. Go right ahead. We're looking for a blonde-haired Prince Adam.

This is a black-haired Prince Adam. On your way, sir. And then he kills a janitor who's like half his size and suddenly his uniform fits him perfectly. Yeah, that should be a snogged jumpsuit, man. Also, don't either to kill someone

for cheap, Just go to a fucking convenience store. I think it's more like the glasses are there. Oh, I see. He wants the janitor outfit, but then he's like, well, glasses, okay. Everybody all right over there? So he's dressed as a janitor,

he's got dark hair, and Tommy Lee Jones is like, he couldn't have got far, now make a perimeter. Oh, yeah, he saves a kid who's like, without breathing properly. He switched the chart. Yes. No, but this is where He's exactly dressed like Michael Myers a bit

And he's walking around He starts hacking up this hospital He's hacking up this hospital And they're intentionally They're like fucking filming him from like I don't know Like the shin down Like you see these boots walking

Just like a horror Like this is a horror movie I feel like Stallone like watched Halloween whatever And he's like I could take that guy I'm gonna write a movie where I beat up that guy And that unstoppable killer, he looks like a fucking pussy. Hey, Brigitte, doesn't that guy look like a big wuss?

Yeah. John Carpenter's like, no, you can't be in Halloween, too. You sure I could beat up the guy, though, and I would win. And at the end, you'd be like, good job. I think, by the way, I think that is why John Carpenter was like, you know what, for this third movie, fuck it, we're not even going to have Michael Myers. That'll get Stallone off my back. Sorry Sly, he's just not in this one.

I could play Loomis' nephew, Aaron Loomis. This is my nephew, Aaron? Yeah, I'm visiting from the city and I take night classes in psychology. Yes, he'll be with me all the time now. Michael drop it, Aaron, get him. Yeah, I want to be like a nerdy, psycho, something to rather like my

stupid uncle, I don't know. Yes, I'm British and he's Italian. Let's move on. Hey, family's fucking family, man. I don't know. You know, Doc, we really shouldn't even be telling you about these murder cases. We're not telling this idiot.

Yeah, I don't fucking snitch, man. Snitches get stitches. Aaron, be quiet. Aaron, we're going... Look, we're just going to kill him. Y'all beat him up with my fist. How about that? You need your stupid gun, old man.

And the last line will be me telling you you did a good job. That's a screenplay by Sylvester Stallone. Aaron, you're the best. Oh, here's your beautiful girlfriend, Aaron. Congratulations. Now you're in a car that says awesome 60 on it. Excellent job, Aaron.

Drive off into the sunset and bang her with your huge penis. obviously I'll be dead but go to your mansions plural this sounds perfect it's like I'm ruining myself or something

by the way I also wrote Cobra and then at some point I guess while Stallone was writing this movie The Shining was on because they rip it right the fuck off Jesus Christ and it was funny because I had not watched this movie in a while and there's totally like

Brigitte's got her face sort of like right near a door and it's just like Shelley Duvall, and I'm screaming at the television, don't do it. Don't you do it, movie. Don't you do it? Oh, movie! And the fucking knife just comes right through that door! And the weird thing is, like, you know,

in The Shining, obviously, Shelly Duvall was, like, psychologically tortured by Stanley Kubrick, like, on set, which was terrible. But so in this movie, they didn't need to do that because she was married to Sylvester Stallone. So it's easy to just... It's just like, yeah,

they're like, action, she's screaming. It's like she's not even in the scene. She just filmed screaming in the trailer. Her entire life for those two or three years was an escape room. Oh my God. So Cobra gets a phone call from Poppy, and he's like, hey, what's up, Poppy?

And he's like, I don't know, Cobra, what's up with you? And he's like, what is the point of this phone call? And they realize that, like, Poppy has been duped by somebody at the police department because he's like, you ban the hospital!

One of my fave lines, you ban the hospital! But also, like, he gets it to his non-LAPD descript car. It's practically invisible. It's like midnight gray.

Like, you can't, and he starts, like, gunning it through the road. And he is driving without lights on on a little bit of the night. Enable cloaking device. He hits a fucking shopping cart

or something. Use cans. He was just kids. And, like, five people are murdered in this hospital, and he's running with a duster on in L.A. In the middle of the summer. I mean, I know it's a Christmas movie, but it is hot as shit wearing this duster in L.A.

It's a thick... It's not like a thin, like, doll man's duster, if you've seen the film, Dalman. It's like a thin dust. This is a thick-ass. It's snowing at Christmas dust. It's wool, I think. Aaron, are you sure you want to wear that?

jacket. Well, all right. Yeah, you wrote the movie. That's a good jacket, Aaron. You know, Aaron, when I chase a serial killer, I like to wear a thin brown raincoat. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, please leave the Mandel Legend t-shirt at home. But the legend points to my penis. I understand. The Arab goes down. Listen, how are they gonna know about my dick if I don't wear the shirt? That's all I'm saying Oh, oh, they know you're a dick

Aaron drop the t-shirt now I don't know Yeah, so but The Night Slasher is Defeated by a fire alarm Here I love this because So Brigitte pulls the fire alarm

And everybody starts walking out in the hallway And this dude is just like Like the look on his face he's so disappointed. It's like a kid in a toy store when the parent that gives the final

like, you're not fucking getting that. And he's just like, oh man, with the murder, bhae. He just walks away silently like Michael Myers would.

But also like he must be covered in blood at this point. Like, come on. Come on. He kills that janitor while he's wearing that uniform. You should be covered in blood.

Head to top. It's like, oh, wow, it's in a red jacket. You know who doesn't get it and totally should? the woman in the elevator who's like giving him shit this lady who's like dictating

who can ride which elevator are you fucking kidding me you know why he's like she might be night stuck or material or night slasher my god I'm mixing it up but yeah psychotically telling people what elevator use yeah you might be a murderer

he's just stuffing a brochure in her back pocket pardon me miss have you heard the good word we can kill the week wherever we want Do you like axes? Are you free one weekend of the month? Do you like to hang out in abandoned places?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. There's only one female night slasher that we can tell, which is the stalker chatting looking lady. But come on, there should be a whole legion of these people. And that would be the cool thing, right? And I think it's what they were attempting and failing horribly at, but that idea of, like, this cult has permeated the city and anybody could be part of this gang.

That's why you have some people in, like, construction uniforms, some in business suits, right? It's like, the dude at the bank could be a night stalker, or the late at the grocery store could be a night slasher or whatever, but they just don't... Someone had that idea for like two seconds and Stalin was like, look, this movie's got to be approximately 87 minutes long,

and that is way too much information. That sounds like a lot of not talking about Cobra to me. I mean, I don't know. You tell me, does that sound like you're talking about Cobra or not? I think Bridget should have a few more scenes, actually. So we got to back to the police station and they're yelling at Cobra.

It's like, Cobra, you've got an attitude problem. And he's like, yeah, I know I wrote that line. But the big, the throwoff here, though, is that the dude who's playing the uptight detective is character actor Andrew Robinson, who played the Scorpio killer in fucking Dirty Harry. You see that guy? I'm like,

is he here? Oh my god I just heard some of applaud it had to be him Sir, please show yourself Oh man clapping for yourself at his show He has a Google alert You see one look at that dude and you're just like Well that guy is a mass murderer But so the idea is like

We don't want to call in the FBI For some reason Again like this is a cult There's 30 people dead two days And like the FBI would botch this Like no you LAPD have botched it. The FBI gets called in

if you take a person across state lines and a kidnapping. Just one. Just one person. 30 people murdered? Yes, they're getting a phone call. Holy shit, they're getting a phone call.

And you decided your new strategy is put the guy that's dumb as a rock in fucking charge of it. The zombie squad. I just realized I call him the zombie squad because he's brain dead. Yes. Oh.

You cracked it. Yeah. And he's so proud of it too. Yeah. Oh, that's a chance. That's cool. Pizza brains, brains. He's got a great line here too

because the chief is like, you know, we don't need these crazy people going off, Halfcock getting involved, or, you know, taking charge and being the hero. And Stallone's like, I don't want to be a hero, chief. I just want to get involved.

Which means you want to fuck the whole thing up. Yeah. Slaughter. Slaughter. Dousins. I'm getting the itch, chief. I got to kill something. Can I take you all in a journey for a second? There's one scene where they're discussing the night slashes

and they're in the morgue, the police morgue, and they're looking at it, you're like, oh, this is how this woman was killed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, all right, cool, good scene, blah, blah, I'm part of the zombie squad. And you just kind of walk a little bit, like this many steps. And then over here they're in a gun range. So, like, over there, that's where the dead bodies go.

And over here, we're firing weapons. And it's one fluid, like, he takes the walk, it's like an Aaron Sorkin' Walk-and-Talk kind of a thing. And he draws the gun, like, in the hallway before he's even gotten in. And Poppy's sort of walking behind him, and he must have done this a thousand times. I gotta get one off, Chief.

Gotta get one off right now. It's got to happen. I think it's actually smart. Because, listen, the other floors of the police precinct might have more people. These are dead people, so if your gun goes off, It's just going to slam into a corpse. It's fine.

Slam into a corpse. Another bullet slammed into a corpse. But Eric, worst case, so many shots that would wake the dead. Oh, zombie squad. I was going to say, worst case scenario,

there's an accident while just move them next door. You know, that's it. Yeah, that's true. It's a little easier. You know, all you do, you just need to mop. You're good to go.

Also, by the way, he fires off, like, seven shots, one after another, all, like, through the same hole. Like, that's how good Vashadhi is like directly in the heart of this person piece of paper. That was like two pages of screenplay was like

Cobra draws his gun it's as big as his enormous penis. He aims his aim is perfect and true and it fires wildly into the same hole which would be the heart of the baddy guys. And then Cobra says take that sheriff

in Nottingham and then Mary, no wait I'm married oh wait no I'm right in Robin Hood again. delete delete delete delete he learned how to shoot in under 24 hours after he won the Oscar

Yeah So the whole plan I love this plan The plan is we cannot stop the mass murders from happening They keep trying to kill Brigitte's character Sure Let's just take her upstate Like an old dog when you're lying to your kids

About where that dog went we're going to take her to a farm-up state for safety. But this is like the weird 45-minute car chase that kind of eats up half the movie. This is awesome. Because you've got this big stupid car

and says awesome 50 on it. I better see it fucking go, man. And you kind of assume there's going to be a car chase, right? But you do not expect this car to burst out the second story of a fucking parking garage. Michael Bay, eat your heart out.

This shit is awesome. And Fast and Furious. your heart out. There's not nitrous on this motherfucker. There absolutely is. This shit is not street legal, by the way, police officer. Also, those tits look too dark. Oh, tints.

You're far away. Thank you. I said tints. No, I didn't, but I'll put it in the screenplay. If you want, I'll change it from what I had. I mean, I know what I'm and you can't figure it out. Fine. I guess we're holding everybody's hand in this movie.

And Cobra's car, which is as big as a block, and is going much faster than the other cars. And everyone stops and says, wow, cobra, that's good driving. And then it starts to fly. And then at the end, there's a five-page cobra parade, because Cobra is the best. A sly, sigh, sigh, could you stop? That's enough.

Enough writing for today. Delete, delete, delete, delete. I have so many parades to write. You know what else this car looks like? You remember, did you guys ever see the really old, like, 1940s Batman serials? Where, you can find it on YouTube, I think.

But, like, they were licensing, like, Batman and maybe Robin, but that was it, so they didn't license the Batmobile. So he just drives around in this big-ass car. It's like a Cadillac, and I think he pulls out of gun, it would be. It's fucking awesome. It's so not Batman.

Well, I just feel like the director. I was like, yeah, yeah, I got it. Batman. Sure. Tommy guns, right? It's like if you ever watch that, like, Turkish Spider-Man? Oh, yeah. It's just, like, you don't know what Spider-Man is.

I mean, there's a big... He's just... He takes out an Uzi at this point. He's firing wildly on the street. He turns, like, these cars into skeleton cars by blowing them up so quickly? It's pretty awesome. He does a quick...

He goes to Brigitte, like... And he does the old, like, turn the car around, puts it in reverse, and he fucking nails it, and he's shooting at these guys, driving back. Tell me this movie isn't awesome. Holy shit. It's so great.

And she's just strapped, she's got like the two strap seat belt thing? Sure. Because, like, this is what I'm talking about. You would not be driving around with a Pepsi in the car. You can't. It's Spill City, man. Do you think there's a cup holder at all? No, not at all. Because you're not, listen, you're not getting Pepsi out.

You get that on a seat? You're not getting Pepsi. I think even, like, out of Cobra. Like, oh, no. Yeah, just sweating Pepsi. You got a Pepsi birthmark now. So they get a different car, and they go upstate, and it's her, the dude, Poppy, and the crooked cop woman

who's clearly going to let everybody know where they're going. On the way they kind of fall in love, question mark, like them having weird sex fine, but she's like, Cobra, you're great. It's like, wait, why? You see, this guy killed 12 people.

You're fucked up, lady. They stop for, like, a hamburger, fries and he's like oh look at this it's a giant hamburger prop at this restaurant aren't I endearing are you falling in love with me by the way you're eating fucked up French fries fuck you for put ketchup on

those I will accept animalistic fucking all the time in a movie that's fine but this like two seconds falling in love fuck you well this is great part she has this line where they're sitting down she's putting all these ketchup on these fries

which is disgusting that's the grossest part of the movie people are being butchered left and right we talked about a molested kid earlier in the movie this gallon of ketchup on french fries and he's like oh you must be a little crazy she's like hey have you ever been involved

beat beat beat with a woman there's such a long pause because he wants to be like involved you I'll kill people that's an involvement that's the most involved of all but in their funeral services no I'm not involved Romantically with a woman

What? And he's like As it turns out Ladies don't really like my Lifestyle They kind of say No I will not go out with a murderer All right

Welcome to our second date Here's frozen pizza Let's look at this computer screen Welcome to my own Did you bring your own scissors For this pizza? I mean because I have my pizza And now we're going to clean, I'm going to clean a gun.

Did you not bring a gun to clean? I got it, well, it's okay, I got another one in the back. Where are you going? Wait. Alright, never mind, we're going to put on my VHS of toy rust commercials now. Just watch this for a while. Sometimes I sit at home alone in the dark, and I don't know, man. I just wish I was Jeffrey the giraffe. He seems like a pretty fun-loving dude.

I don't know. You think he's ever killed anybody? I mean, could you imagine being tall? Dude, you can tell he is tiny, man. He's so short-pish movie. Speaking of doll, man. Dude, Poppy is towering

over this guy. Yeah, he is. Yeah. He's like, oh, Poppy, can you stand like three feet behind me, man? You're making me look like a fucking asshole. They had to film it like they filmed Gandalf in one of the ranks. Yeah, Popper, she's going to wear his big green screen suit.

Called Peter Jackson. So, yeah, so they go to this motel and, like, they're just kind of hold up for the night. He taunts a small business owner around the park, by the way. Because there's this lady, she's, like, selling like, chotchkes and shit outside the motel or something, you know, the restaurant. And he's, like,

looking at this bobblehead, this is the funniest part of the movie because he's, like, mesmerized by this bobblehead. He's like, you just won't stop shaking. I touched it once, like, five minutes ago. You won't stop shaking. He's laughing at me. Look at him. Hey, Poppy, come over. Have you seen this before? They've got

a magic head on this thing. It's science gone mad. Then it's awesome because, like, Brigitte comes over. This is where, like, she's learned his name. Yeah. And she's like, hey, Poppy told me a secret. Marian. And he's like, that piece of shit. He can't keep a secret, huh? Well, anyway,

let's go so you don't get murdered. And he turns to this, this, like, old woman who's just running this little, like, stand. He goes, sorry, lady, no sale. And walks away. And this lady's just like, well, I guess I won't eat tonight. It's fine. The idea to say no sale when you leave every establishment,

just go up and down the street. No sale. Fucking put it down, say thanks anyway, and walk out. No sale. Hey, ladies, sorry, no sale. No shit. One star Yelp review coming up. Look out

It just says like Bobbleheads and some other shit I don't know One star I got to be computers To review you on trip advice Yelp And something else

So they go to the motel He's cleaning an Uzi And she's like Come to bed It's like no No And there's like There's no sexy music

Of any kind They have one like Gross kiss And then they like sort of like part back a little bit and they're like, yeah, all right. And they sort of like go into it. Uh, no.

Well, that's, they gave the director. Angel of the Shiner. A 60 page sex scene that didn't make any sense. And he's like, you know what? We're just not, we're just gonna cut right here. Like, Sylvester, you're adding like an hour to this film and this sexy. Yeah.

And... I don't think we can get a puppet dragon that quickly, though, Sly. That's out of the budget. It's okay. We're married under the eyes of God. We can do it on the movie. But that's what's weird, though, is shockingly, there's no actual sex scene.

They kiss, and then it fades out. Not like a toot of a saxophone or nothing. So the night slasher's do descend upon this town. There's like a hundred of them at this point. There's like their motorcycle gang is involved in this as well. That was a surprise, is all of a sudden they're a motorcycle gang. On top of it all.

The local police department's instantly annihilated. That's pretty great. That's another thing they don't really do much with is these dudes descend on this town and take the whole thing over in 60 seconds. Yeah. It's awesome. And then Ray Leota stands outside.

It's wild hans! Wild hans! Wait, what? Oh, sorry. Night Slashes! Getting mixed up on which biker gang were threatening. You see those Ray Leota commercials

where he's talking about quitting smoking? Yeah. What's that about? He's like, yeah, I'm Ray Leota. And in real life, I've beaten a man with a garbage can't time. By the way, I quit smoking with chantics. What the fuck else do you want to know? It's like

The most, like if you want to get someone to stop smoking Show them this commercial You will be terrified to touch a cigarette afterwards It's the most aggressive thing I've ever seen in my life Yes, I'm Rayleigh Odey I have 93 buried beneath my own Put that fucking cigarette out Yeah

The air it like in between jeopardy breaks Well isn't it The creepiest commercial is, now we're just doing commercials, whatever, fuck it. Is this a Ray Leota commercial? No, it's the Rob Lowe Atkins commercial where it looks like a fucking cult. I'm here to tell you about Atkins.

Did you know that you can have a full life on Atkins? It's like, what? Isn't it just like low carbs? And he's like, you can have chocolate, it's fine. No one's going to kill you. Wait, and this is ageless Roblo's doing this? That's fucking false advertising. I mean, you definitely have to go into hospice first,

but then, Atkins is great. Are people still doing Atkins? That's what Roblo wants you to do, my friend. No, this is a new. Roblo wants you to do it. He's trying to do your back. Yeah, right now, Roblo is. It's a cult hidden among us. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. That's what the night slashes we're doing. They were killing people and not eating carbs. The carb slashers. They're spanging pieces of meat together. Why are we doing this? We have a very confusing mission statement. So, yeah, we are, we're, uh, it's a big action scene, a very series of action scenes.

Big shootout right here, man. A lot of grenades. Cobra has more grenades on him than I thought. Which is any. Cobra is the only one. Cobra is the only one that brings those grenades, by the way. I brought these from home. The rest of the night slasers are like, what, we're using grenades?

We're going to bring grenades to this? One of the night slashes was using, like, a Maltaf, cocktail or something into this safe house and Poppy's burned and then shot. Dude, yeah. And spoiler alert, he makes it to the end of the movie. This dude should be cooking up like a chicken.

Yes, absolutely. This is expendable dead meat in an action movie if I've ever seen it. Why do we have to hang on to Poppy? Let that dude die. Not happening. Not happening. No, I know. I'm just saying it's a thing. You should get shot in the face and his little hat flies. Yes. Yes.

And then it like shoots right up in the air like and then lands right back down on the stump and then he lands on a sofa and Jerry Seinfeld says Poppy died on my sofa and as you all know when you die you evacuate your bowels

and now Jerry's got an unsightly stain there That's true Plus all the brain bits Yeah the brain bits are better Not even Elaine will take that to her New apartment No no no just flip the cushion

Just flip that brain over So we wind up as most action movies in a foundry for some reason it's molten metal obviously because it's a cool place to have a finale

yeah sure you got yeah like liquid metal falling all over the place the Terminator's running around it's fucking awesome I'm coming the Terminators in this movie now I need a vacation

that line still bothers me in that movie robots shouldn't take vacation why the fuck would a robot need a vacation that's why you were invented so other people can have vacation I'm a learning computer, my neural net processor was built to understand a vacation.

Sometimes it's nice to power down and get an oil job. Hey man, it's all about self-care these days. Don't be afraid to take the time off. C-3Bio had vacations, dude. Like, that dude loved an oil bath, right? Oh, yeah, that's true. He was like saying, thank the maker once it hit his crotch. Well, he, that's the weirdest line.

This oil bath's going to feel so good. It's so, it's really like, ew, robot. Yo, robot, that's gross. And Lord knows what Art2D2's getting up to. Oh, man, yeah. Robot, before we dip you in this, we're just going to turn that voice box off.

Because that's the creepiest shoot we've ever heard. Art2D2 has... Here comes the brownout master Luke. But R2D2's really the champion of casual sex. Wait, why? Go on. He's... He's plugging his little...

I don't know. He's plugging his... He's plugging into every fucking strange computer he comes across. He's just like, oh, wait, what? Wait, okay, so I... All right, okay. Maybe if I fuck this trash compactor computer...

I mean, he fucks the Death Star. He fucks a bunch of clone wars nonsense. I really do think he should at least have a plastic cap on it. I'm convinced that's his dick. That's why he's always going... Whoa! Yeah!

Of course that's his dick. Has that ever been questions? That is R2D2's genitalia. And he talks to computers through the language of love. Yes. That's beautiful, Eric. And he's so freewheel

and he doesn't even put a force field around that thing. That's literally... ThreePO doesn't even have a dick. He's just got a bump. It's just a bump. That's right. This is why 3PO's always pissed at it because fucking R2's just sprayed it all over the place.

Like, oh, well, that must be nice. What a nice computer? Just stand here and watch again. And then they started to throw cans at the stage. but IG 88 was an in-cell but not IG88B that took over the Death Star anyway Well that's what that I stands for Incel 88

Incel Guy 88 It's kind of like awesome 50 In-cell guy in 88 Because I was born in 1988 I mean I'm online I'm very online So we're in the foundry There's some cool debts

Stallone gets some gasoline of this dude, lights him up, he's like, you have the right to remain silent. Tell me this movie isn't awesome. Jesus Christ! You have the right to scream as you burn to death.

And it's great. You actually see this dummy light up. It's beautiful. It's the second of two dudes before the finale that light up. Because there's a guy, I've watched this movie three times in the last like 24-ish hours. There's a dude It's just that good, folks.

At, like, the start of this whole siege, there's a guy who's just walking, like, down a hallway in the foundry, like, bra-da-p-da, and he just bursts into flames. And cobra's just like, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the help, Lord God. Guess what, night slasher, I'm going to count that one for me. I'm going to tell my superior that indeed I lit that man on fire also. For justice.

We finally get a showdown between the Night Slasher and Stallone. They should have like a phone call in the middle of the movie or something. I need a threatening phone call, man. Why are you calling? I think it's because you've got no one else to call. There's a Night Slashers who's calling me on Christmas again. But so they're having this like kind of tete-a-tat. And this is like Brian Thompson's finest acting where he was calling him pig.

Dude, this is like, if you just in this. last moments of this movie started doing like swig of beer every time the word pig is uttered Jesus Christ. Oh, we have a dramatic rating coming up. Oh, oh I forgot about the dramatic reading we scheduled.

I totally forgot. In this, this is not going to be good. This is not going to be good. Stop. Also, I just want to quickly mention, in this foundry sequence, we also got this like ethereal on the soundtrack. It was like 2001. Dude, you know, it's going to be like it's

Ghosts? I think it is all the ghosts that Cobra made. Oh no, it's a haunted foundry. I want your eyes, Pig. Want to go to hell, huh, pig? You want to go to hell with me? Doesn't matter, does it? We're the hunters. We kill the weak, so the strong survive. You cannot stop

the new world. Your filthy society cannot stop people like us. We're the future. Pig. You won't do it, pig. You won't shoot. Murder's against the law. You have to take me in if you can. Even I have rights, don't I, pig?

Wait, hold on, hold on. Are you calling me fat? Actually, you eat pizza very sensibly, pig. Because I work out like literally all the time. Take me in. They'll say I'm insane, won't they? The court is civilized, isn't it, pig? Again, it's just feel like it's right towards the midsection.

Then the rest of the dialogue says, come on, pig. Come on, pig. Wow, nice. That's beautiful. That was beautiful. A beautiful reading from the book of Cobra. It goes out to our birthday guys at the anniversary top ball and a little dog named Snuggles.

Pig. I fucking love it. especially because, like, before I saw a Cobra, I knew him from the X-Files where he's just like a mute super soldier thing. And he doesn't say anything that entire series, but this is a time to shine if there ever was one. And he's taken it to Hamtown, right to Hamtown.

If you have your base two-up on this movie, between him and Stallone, it'll blow the fuck out, man. Dude, he's just saying pig like that, the bass is up too high, he'll shit your pants. Brown note, pig. It's like a Hans Zimmer. score. And, you know, so they get into a fun fight, you know,

because, like, he's about to shoot him, but then, oh, the lady gets involved in, like... Oh, not stalker Channing, who was presumed dead. Sure. Was not dead. And she does a weird, like, jumps on Cobra's back, and they swing around a little bit. And then, actually, it's the Nightstalker that murders her. Who would have guessed? Killed by your boss, that's a bummer.

So now we're just fighting each other, having a good old. dude fight, which you're like, oh, this is fun until he fucking... And like, here's the thing. Like, the IA investigation afterwards is going to take years. Because he lifts this dude up and puts him on a meat hook.

Hey, I'm writing this movie, what's on TV on Texas Chainsaw Massacre? What's this about? Doop do, do, do, do. Oh, that's good. That's a good shit. Oh, right on that meat hook. Oh, yeah. I got my ending. Oh, God, Mary. You are going to jail.

You won't give me the sledge pig Oh yeah I'm on a meathook pig But I'm still gonna oh wait what I'm going towards fire For some reason Yeah sure pig like you're gonna burn me alive What do they even make here pig What is this? And this is a real bummer

This was like a moment of like MPA censorship Because this dude is going right for this like Flaming Stargate thing It's like something of fucking Carney would jump through on a motorcycle and I'm like Is that James Spader pig?

Come on get me now, Kurt Russell get me now, Kurt Russell. And I'm like, oh God, this is about to be the coolest thing I ever see. And like right when he gets to it this like Windows 95

fucking flame screen saver comes up. Yeah. No thank you. No thank you. I want to hear it. I want to hear it at least. Because I think they took

that same security guard dummy and just hooked it on this thing and set it a blaze. It's not Brad Pitt's mother and snatch. I actually want to see this person dead. A deep cut with a snatch reference. Thank you.

Isn't it great living in 2003? Fair error. I mean, technically, comparatively. Maybe. Yes. I don't know. Unless you're in the military. That's a hard.

It's a hard. Hard maybe. And then, of course, everyone's like, wow, great job, Cobra. I'm like, what? He killed a town. There is no one left to prosecute because everyone is dead. This is a disaster. No, there's no one left to prosecute.

I mean, everybody else's his job easy, easy, man. They're all dead. You welcome. Cobra is the reason why Ghost Town scatter the southwest. But also, no one knows about the cult. think one night slasher is responsible these are like bankers and businessmen they're all just screaming dead. There's got to be more

out there. Yeah. That's how you have like a nice little like stinger ending like sequel setup thing because they all have like tattoos on their wrist like signifying that they're in the gang, right? And so like you need to have cobra say something like, I see a new that chapter and then he's at the grocery store

later but the one that he shops at and like the checkout person is like have a good night officer and like reaches out with the bag and he sees the tattoo freeze frame on him going what? It would be awesome.

Totally justified sequel set up. But he can't kill her because she works at his grocery store. Oh, where did you get a different job so I can murder you? So yeah, I mean like they're all like, hey man, great job. He's like, hey, will you replace my car? And they're like, absolutely not. Do we

have a quarter of a million dollars? The fucking stone. on this guy. Well, I guess to be fair, though, Art Lafleur is just like, hey, Cobra, great work. Anything you need. Literally anything. And they asked for that car. They're like, uh, no. No, that's not going to know. I can't do that. If you said anything,

I know what that word means. And then the nerdy guy's like, well, Cobra, I guess we all learned a little something about killing people. And he gets punched in the face, which is fun. It's a good, like, he's like, oh, no hard feelings,

hey, Cobra? And they go to do a handshaping. and he pulls him in and then punches him with the other hand but doesn't let go so this dude like goes flying but then Cobra like pulls him back in I kind of feel like Cobra at this point is like well I'm going to prison anyway

I mean when he's getting on the motorcycle is like am I allowed to leave oh wow all right yeah yeah come on Bridget let's get out of here this is just some this is one of the victims motorcycles this is so awesome someone's motorcycle

Art LaFleur is like, hey, Cobre, you need a ride back to society? And he's like, no, I have my own transportation. This motorcycle I just found. And he hops on with Brigitte. And I was like, wait a second. Whose fucking motorcycle is that? You drove out here with Poppy. What's going on?

They're not going to need the motorcycle. And also, they're not going to need any of their wallet. So I took those two. Oh, and the blooded hair, it's fine. And share a new thing of boots here. You're not nice. He's just looting the bodies. No, you guys go ahead.

I'll meet up. But need a new dress shirt. Oh, that's nice. Hey, Cobra, you need help getting back on the road? Roads. Where do we go? We don't need roads. Back to the Future was on

when I was writing this movie. What a way to end a movie, man. Wow. Yeah, that's kind of, that's Cobra. That's Cobra. That is indeed Cobra. So we're going to start wrapping it up. But first of all, big thanks to Creative Alliance

for having us out here. You guys were great. Thank you, beautiful people, for coming out. It's so awesome to see so many of you here. It's very cool. Thank you. But like we like to do at the end of every show. You got it?

Got it. Okay. The table was a little low. Imagine I fell off. Like, the show was great. that one guy fell off the stool and broke his neck. We like to read pieces, a little bit of internet correspondence

just to get a feel for how society at large felt about this movie. You'd like that, wouldn't you, pig? Yeah, you want to read reviews from the internet, don't you pig? There's a little bit of that where it's like, you gotta pay me

$24 more for me to keep going, pig. So we like to go to the place where you get the best film writing, the internet movie database user review section. So we got a couple here. The first one, two out

of ten stars. Yeah, boo is right. These people are terrible. Subject line, can a film be zero-dimensional? By using his real name, Bill Sernansky. What a hideous, pathetic film

This movie is more than stupid It actually reaches out from the screen And transfers some of its stupidity right into your head This dude was high as fuck watching this movie Bill's gone through some shit, I think This movie's got zero dimensions Shit, dude Oh man, I'm too stupid to live now

Can't believe I'm getting divorced You walk away with a feeling of being Dumber for having watched it Especially if you paid to see it Fuck, I'm never gonna be normal again Oh shit, this isn't gonna wear all This night's never gonna end I'm gonna be high forever

By the way, he said that he definitely paid for this Well, he paid to see it This review was written in 2000 So it's a rental So you knew what this was You had years to find out what this was Stallone acts horribly Duh

The script makes no sense. Any episode of Starsky and Hutch seems like Hemingway by comparison. Well, what's on TV while I'm writing with this review? Starski and Hutch. The hockey bear's gonna fit in right here. I think my party should be a hockey bear. It'd be great.

The action isn't just unbelievable. All action flicks are that way. But it's also just plain stupid. Cobra stands firing a gun in the back of a speeding pickup on a dirt road at high speed as the back end of the truck fish tails in the gravel. And?

Yeah, exactly. Have you ever done that? I never have. So I don't know. Maybe this guy has. Maybe that's the thing. I had to hold on to something while I was doing that. That's an awesome part of the movie because he totally throws this dude in front of the truck and then that guy gets run over. And the soundtrack

is a total squaw! Yeah, you want that noise. Like, it is a cartoonish. splush sound. No, it's not the worst film in the world. It's not even Stallone's worst. It is, nonetheless, absolutely, unforgivably horrid. Fuck you, Bill.

I got this other one here. This one's a little weirder. I'd like to get the weird ones in. Weird, uh, weird user review on IMDB, huh? That's a strange thing. Baffling. That's wild. Exciting.

fun to watch intense by Asher J. Doke Oh, you think it's Dr. Doak? Golden Eye Jokes. This is a great movie. So far I'm agreeing with this

weirdo. From the little speech Stallone gave in the beginning, so that's Eric's statistics, to the end of the film, this is truly for anyone who loves a movie with a non-stop action. And Brigitte Nielsen was a haughty as usual.

You fucking weirdo. I'm aroused. I need to tell the world. That's what like 90% of the internet is. Yeah, that's true. Now, this is gonna sound like the dumbest thing you ever heard. And I'm not trying to bust Stallone's chops or anything because he was fantastic in this movie.

That was actually, my favorite Twitter update was when they actually removed the part where before everything you tweet says this is the dumbest thing you've ever heard so now it's just tweets he's fantastic in this movie but what the fuck

but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if John Stamos had gotten the starring role is this like Cobra's last fiction now what's on while I'm writing this full house man imagine that guy with

Bridget Neil said, oh, yeah. Oh, man. Imagine if John Stamos joined the Beach Boys. Oh, fuck, wait. You'd like that, wouldn't you, pig? Actor Kokomo.

A beautiful mind. What a great movie. What if John Stamos was then, man? I mean, admittedly, I think that about most movies, but I'm not fucking writing it on the internet. The most obvious answer would, would probably be that it never would have been as good.

Really? Wait, I think of a fucking hypothesis, dude. Like, why I would bother writing then? Exactly. He shoots himself down immediately. I want you to explore all the ways that this movie would be affected by John Stamos being cast. One, obviously, Beach Boy's soundtrack.

But anyway, this dude writes, but anyway, my God, I still think this movie is one of Stallone's best. And to tell you the truth, truth. What the fuck? If someone asked me, if I like this one or Rocky

4 better, I wouldn't be able to decide, because they're both great. We are, we hate movies from New York City, Baltimore. Hey, we got it, we'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Long live the night slashes. Hey, little Johnny, there ain't no room for you.

Tell me, darling. Come on getting through. Turn the radio on with every beat of the clock. They go out in the streets with the voice of America's son. That was a hate gum podcast.