We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag - Alt-Right Blind Dates, Grade School Toy Theft, and Puking at the Movies

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

On the first WHM Mail Bag of season 8, the guys read letters from listeners about accidentally going on a blind date with a racist, sleazy creeps in grade school stealing toys from their friends, throwing up while watching Fellowship of the Ring, and more! If YOU want YOUR weird stories read on the air, or if you have questions for the gang, write into the mail bag—[e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHMailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Seda, Chris Cabin, and Eric Sisko. It's the first... What, what, what? I'm playing the part of bag tonight. And you, the audience, are playing mail. What?

I don't know. All right. This is the first and final mailbag of the season. That's right. Yeah, but just real quick, before we mention anything else, You might as notice a little variation on the theme song. That's from a New York City band named The Bell guards. Check out their bandcamp.

Thebellegards. com. That's T-H-E-B-E-L-E-G-A-R-D-S dot bandcamp.com. Did us a little cover of our theme song, presented it to us way back when in Brooklyn at the Mac and Me show, give them a little shout out, plug their music. And I dig it, man. If you want to mail us another version of our song, go for it.

We will take covers of the theme song. If you want to put in lyrics to it, I'd like to see where that goes. Yeah, have some bow with it. Yeah, so we all hate movies at gmail.com. So let's get right to it, gang. Reading some letters. Steve Sadek, why don't you start us off there?

The only way we could start a new season of We Hate Movies mailbags is with a Jim Belushi story. Right, and Jim Belushi, I will say this, a little bit of a peace offering to the Belushi family. He's been excellent on Twin Peas. He's been amazing. We're recording this right before the show. the final two episodes air, but he's been fucking awesome.

And I hear he's gunning for an Oscar with this Woody Allen movie. We'll see. I mean, I got to tell you, just real quick. Is he the guy that arrests Woody Al? Yes, it's a very dark movie. Wonder Wheel being accepted into the New York Film Festival is one of the tent pole titles. Kind of crazy. Oh, that's a little cool.

But, yeah, no, he takes Woody Allen down. All right, Steve. All right. Hey, guys. I thought I'd write in to tell you a story about Jim Ballush. Thank you. A few years ago, I was in college and took a film class. Congratulations. I'm going to stop doing that. Hey, been there. It was actually just balushi on film. Do you know the only film class I ever took in college was a continuing education class called The Law in Film, which was my last semester of college. I needed like 40 credits. And I was like, I'm going to graduate with everybody. Was it just the devil's advocate over and over again? No, we watched like, it was literally like, it was this

like old Italian guys like we're going to learn about the law and film first up Serpico next week my cousin Vinnie like you know what I mean like she whatever and I wrote like three garbage papers Hey we're going to learn TNT Superstation

all right come back to class here's your syllabus All right next week Franklin and Bash it's on Channel 83 and what else lawyers oh Ghostbusters 2 we'll watch that too

that too. Who knows that? The semester was this many weeks. I just got to pull out my TV guy. Well, I, sorry, I forgot to pick up the verdict from the video rental store

and all they had was Ace Ventura when nature calls. So enjoy... The tribal law. There were a lot of copies of trial and error at the car wash discount bin. Yeah, they had plenty of copies.

kids seen liar, liars. They were out of it, but I'm going to recant the film to you. It's like an episode of We Hate Movies. I just sit here and talk about a movie. All right. No, so a few years years ago, I was in college and I took a film class. The professor was retiring and had

previously been the head of the university's theater department. One day he told us, one day in class he told us he had gone to high school with Jim Belushi, and Belushi had caused him to get into theater acting. Wow. He told First off, let me tell you that if you've seen Jim Volusci in his sitcom or in anything like that,

he is exactly how you think he would be. And I mean exactly. That's a great quote. That's a great quote. I mean, everything that I've learned about Jim Belushi lets me know that that's exactly who he is. Yeah. That letter, that op-ed piece that he made. Oh, the op-ed about the fucking GPS is telling me what to do.

Which someone posted on our Facebook actually today that it has been since been removed for the sun times. Oh my gosh. It's actually just like a 404 page now. So basically I guess the only way you can get that is to listen to our taking care of business episode. Oh, that's right. That's great. So, and I mean exactly

is what he says. He went on to say that Jim Balushi was an acquaintance of his at the time. I appreciate justifying with acquaintance. Don't say friends. Like, you know, everyone was He's very much though like, no, I wasn't friends with this guy. We were acquaintances at best. I know of him.

Well, whenever there's a famous person In your school's like, oh, I was friends with that guy You were acquaintances in the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were at the coffee line together. He was acquaintance of his at the time and that one day, Belushi talked him into trying out for the school play by telling him,

come on, Rick, you gotta do it. It's a great way to meet babes. There won't be any other guys there, so we'll have them all to ourselves. Oh, is this sounding creepy? Because it should. Oh, Jim Belushi and high school babe heist. This is what we call cornering them

This is what we call First pretend you're gay And then make a move on her It's theater But you're gonna hide your hot dogs In your lockers We should say allegedly Allegedly

Allegedly hide your hot dogs As they're locked We do not have We should get a private detective To find out of all of the mailbag stories we do are correct Great idea. Yeah.

No, because that one about the fucking arcade that was like a drug den or whatever, that sounds kind of fake. Right. We should get Reddit on the case, just like how they discovered the Boston bombers. Oh, wait, they got that wrong. Oh, they did get that wrong. Yeah, they got that very wrong. Is there a Reddit scene in Patriots Day, you think? I think there is, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah. Bro, I'm scanning the Reddit boards. I'm hassling the wrong people. Wait, so what happened? Hold on. Jaja Binks is the same. sit the whole time?

No, this website's great. If you're asking about what happened on that horrible day in Boston, I believe... Well, I know what happened, then what did Reddit have to do with it? They were trying to track the bombers because they were like, that guy looks suspicious. Oh, what's with a

backpack? Yes. So they were like tracking the wrong people. And like trying to get mob justice, I believe. Out of like security footage. I see. All right. This is apparently enough to convince him. He went on to tell us that he was pretty sure this was the reason Belushi had gotten into acting. That's

incorrect because his brother was just like really famous and it was like, oh yeah, I could do that. Which somehow he wound up doing it though. You can do two things at once, man. You don't have a picture chews. You can do it for the chicks and then it's easy because you're a famous person's brother. Oh, yeah. You can chew gum and take a shit.

That's what Roger Clinton did. Hey man, I'm taking a shit and chew and gum on the toilet. And that's a guy who likes cubes. Oh, yeah. He's a cubed gum man. The professor was a great teacher and was a very nice guy, so I guess Poulushi didn't rub off him too much. Thanks for the great podcast.

It always cheers me up when I'm down. We always love to hear that from Tyler N. Nice, the Game Master. Yeah, I mean, any, I don't know. Yeah, I never had any brushes with fame in theater class or so on and so forth. No, I didn't go to high school with any famous people. Well, I went to high school with Mother Brain from Captain N. No, you did not.

You're right, you're right. I was an acquaintance at best with Mother Brain. That was the character's name, right? I think somebody called me King Hippo. Why? Because someone punched you in the stomach and your pants fell down. I wish. I went, bow, bow, bow, bow.

Wait a second. Did you have a story of Chris? I'm sorry. Well, there is, I did want to say, there is a great Jim Blushy movie, very hard to get called Traces of Red that might very well be a stay tuned. Ooh, that's an erotic thriller. Is that the one with Linda Hamilton where he gets the shit beat out of him? No, no, no, no, no. This is the one with, what's her name from the Sopranos and Goodfellas?

Lorraine Brocko. Lorraine Rocco. And villain from Ghost. Tony Goldwyn. Tony Goldwyn. And it is a riot. A riot They're going to reprint the VHS copy of that

And put you on the bag with Chris Kavan says it's a riot It's a riot, it's a fucking riot Chris Kavan, we hate movies What are you going to ask? Oh, I don't remember. Who cares? Let's read the next letter. Chris, that's you. Oh, I'm doing it, okay. We go in order of who's sitting where.

We've been doing this for eight seasons now. We can swap seats if you run. you can sit here if you want to seats taken school betrayal actually might be seat taken hi guys so you wanted school stories

for the September mailbag I got one that still stings to this day oh boy yikes your season finale on Spider-Man Man 3 or no it's just dude don't read the typos man

stay in school your season finale on spider-man three there you go and your animation damnation episode on 90's spidey cartoon oh weird where is animation damnation oh you know I think that's housed on our Patreon patreon patreon.com slash we hate movies wow we did an animated Spider-Man thing

that sounds like a lot of fun yeah it must be and by the wait and you can get an RSS feed from Patreon that will go right to your phone you can even add it into your podcast app your iOS if you have an iPhone or any type of pod catcher? That sounds impossible and amazing. Well, it's a reality.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Sorry. The 90s spidey cartoon reminded me of how my favorite toy was stolen in the third grade all the way back in 1996. Okay. At the time, the cartoon was on TV and was one

of the most popular shows at school. Damn right. Of the action figures I had of the show, my favorite was the jaw chump action venom. Ow! He's just eating things. Bow.

Oh, you know, there was a disgusting venom toy. Did you remember this? And it was a, it was just a regular venom. But the back, you opened up and you put a bunch of goop in it. Like, you could put venom inside it. Oh, ew. And it was just like a fucking

sticky toy. Dude, toys that went into like the liquid or close enough realm. Toys that could get wet on their themselves. Yeah, I don't need it, dude. And that includes dolls that pee their pants. Fuck that shit. No liquid in any. I know it's plastic and it just comes right off. That notion, though, of like, I need to have like a baby doll that urinates is like, hey, you're four. Do you also want the responsibilities of parenting? Better get used to it.

Definitely fetishize it. It's so fucked up. It's a weird one. Oh, now I'm playing outside. I'm cleaning up piss and shit my doll's pants. Well, no, it's preparing everyone to take care of their parents eventually. Oh, fair enough. Surroundings are a little bit nicer. Jaw-chomp action venom. You squeeze the legs and the jaw closed shut. Eight-year-old, me loved it.

So much I decided to bring it to school to show it off. Big mistake. This is not a good story. This is not going to end well. I was a very shy kid and didn't have many friends back. then to talk to people, I would draw pictures for kids or show my toys. One of my friends, in quotation marks, oh, this is already bad. One of my friends, Sean, was really into the venom toy I brought.

Uh-oh. In the past, I would leave the toys on the teacher's desks since clearly that meant it would be safe. I don't know about that. What does that mean? Hey, teacher, hold on to my toys? Fuck that. You're there to learn. How about let's start with, you're in third grade.

leave the toys at home. It could have been a last day of school situation. Maybe, but why are you just just put it in your backpack? Yeah,

that's true. Your backpack. Just put it in there. Yeah, it's on you. Your backpack is on you. I'm not, just put it in there.

Not going to tell this person how to live. I have lockers. Well, not third grade. No, I had a locker in third grade. What?

The fuck? Or was it just cubbies at that point still? I might have been a cubby, dude. We didn't go to the same elementary school, but it was the same

fucking school district. you just had a cubby. I'm not sure. I'm sure. Okay. I had one of the, I had a desk, one of those like,

it wasn't a open from the desk part desk is a seat that has a big cubby in it. Uh-huh. I got my head stuck in there in the fourth grade. Fucking fourth grade you're getting your head stuck places.

Who did that to you? Himself. Yeah, I was trying to get in there. I was like, I was trying to clean it. It was like, geek. Jaws alive. Teacher?

Did they have? Did they have to break that desk? Your fucking family have to pay for a desk. Here's a real story is I got left back in the fifth grade and I needed it. I needed a new identity. I needed to set fire to what had happened the five years past. But wouldn't everyone know that you were like suddenly there and you were left back? So like it was a new crop of people, you know?

And you were like the screech of your grade school. Remember when the screech was still working? at fucking the high school and new class? Yeah, man. Was he the janitor? No, he was like Mr. Belding sex slave.

Oh. As I remember it. Or something. That's how I remembered it. Did he get out of a trunk every morning? In Belding's a little desk area there? I got held back in a humiliating way in which it's like,

okay, kindergarten. And then it's like, you're not quite ready for first grade. You didn't share that toy. Well, no, no. go to pre-first. That's fake. It's, I can tell you it's very real. What pre-first grade?

Yes, yes. But it wasn't kindergarten? No, it was like first grade where you have. The space between spaces. Exactly. You had a desk. It was everything like first grade, but it was like an extra first grade. Was this a bathroom issue?

What do you mean? Did you get, did you go into pre-first grade because you still like peed your pants? No, no, but I'll tell you, I got a funny bathroom story about pre-first grade. Nice. I, uh, the bathroom in pre first grade in this classroom was in the classroom. There was just like a door. We had that in my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, so. Wait, but mom's doors do this. It's a door in the back of the room.

Yeah, exactly. So a one day in pre first grade and the, by the way, they held back a shit ton. And this is a small school district, man. This is a small school district, man. I don't know, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, 20 kids or something. so I go to the bathroom in pre-first grade and hey you know what I'm a young kid and I'm having a good time going to the bathroom so guess what I think I'll sing a song

oh holy shit and then and then guess what when I get out of that bathroom everyone is staring at me what was the song I don't remember I was how old I was like fucking nothing years old

yeah I mean it's like it's probably like you know come around the mountain, maybe. Exactly. Exactly. There's a little kid. You just drummed up a fucking horrible memory of me in preschool. Here we go. See, I didn't go to preschool. What is that? It's just like before kindergarten.

It's kind of just like... The space between spaces. Well, you were part of some sort of scam. It seems where like some vice principal was like, you know, we'll get another 20 grand if you keep, if we can make pre first grade a thing. I think that's what it was. But if I had gone to preschool, maybe I wouldn't have been held back. I don't know. But so it was just a thing.

thing that I went to for a couple years before I went to kindergarten. It was basically just daycare but so one day I had a fucking massive diarrhea attack and I was like I got to fucking go to the bathroom and I ran to the bathroom and I'm it was all fine. I made it there

that's not this kind of a story which usually frequents the haunts the halls of the we hate movies mailbag wasn't any of that so I go to the bathroom and it was like some fucking idiot kid's birthday that day. So I I'm taking a shit and I hear they start singing happy birthday

and I'm like oh man I'm missing the happy birthday well whatever I don't care I don't know any of these kids whatever so I come out and the teacher like it's dead silent and the teacher's like where were you and I was like I was in the bathroom

and she's just like and everyone is like staring and it's like well what were you doing in there and I was like pooping and she was like While you were pooping, you missed the whole birthday song. Pledge Pins! Dude, I got plunge pinned, man.

I was like, fuck you nigger by her. You fucking crazy. It was a crazy old lady, man. Well, she died and beat it. No, I'm it worked out. It's fine. I'll save the story of me getting chewed out on the school bus by the parent of somebody else, a grown-ass man. For the end of the story.

Oh, please. Yeah, a little teaser. He just brought up a school bus story of my own. Look at there. We'll get too. Okay. I'll just start again from this paragraph. In the past, I would leave the toys on the teacher's desk since clearly that meant it would be safe, as kids aren't allowed there unless you called upon by the teacher.

However, after I came back from lunch break, my toy was gone. My wallet's gone. My wallet's gone. My venom's gone. My venom's gone. Oh, his jaw's going to be all screwed up now. I panicked as my parents didn't like me bringing toys to school, and if they found out, I'd be in trouble. I was also upset as it was my favorite toy, and I couldn't believe I'd let it get stolen.

I told the teacher, but she hadn't seen it. Some classmates told me that rat boy. Sean took it during lunch. A rat boy took it. He's got it back. in the sewer. If you want it, you're going to have to go to the sewer. Eating it like cheddar cheese.

Dive in, buddy, boy. Venom for my collection. Jaws. No, I'm sorry. The rap boy took it during lunch. I didn't want to believe it as I thought he was my friend. Eventually, I did ask him and he denied it. Fucking liar.

I gave him a piece of cheese that I thought he was my friend. Rat boy Who could forget rat boy Looking back, it should It should have been clear he was lying I ended up leaving school With only one of the toys I brought I was so upset as I got in my mom's car

I'll always remember Looking out the window to my school Knowing I would never see that toy Again Like a chopter leaving nom It's a fall of psych on For the venom action figure Yeah

Andrew's teacher died And then the choppers took off out of Vietnam Those purple smoke And they're leaving The doors start playing And we will all go down Together Venom

As for that shit-stained Sean Jesus He's really pissed This is a totally big deal I get it He ended up moving away a month later with my awesome venom toy as for sean well hopefully he's taking good care of my toy as he lies in the gutter somewhere jesus that's pretty great he was an exceptionally poor student what how do you know that

he followed his grades oh all right he was an exceptionally poor student even by third grade standards so i look to assume he is homeless or has a shitty life good god we don't know that did you guys ever experience a trail from a school friend or lose something at school you really liked. Keep up the good work guy, Stephen. Steve. No, not me. Directly, though, I did bring some Dick Tracy toys to school on the last day of school, which was okay.

And a friend of mine, or I thought he was a friend, this rat boy named Sean. No, he's going to school. No, but he was like, oh, can I borrow those? And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. It was the last day of school. He fucking fleeced me hard. Fuck that guy, dude.

I did not get my Brune face back. Chris Cabman, what was your school bus story? Oh, school bus story. Okay, so one day I was coming back. This is probably like the fifth grade somewhere around then. First time or second? Oh, that's only me. Sorry.

First time for me, Steve. First and only time. Oh, you were a one and done fifth grade. I know. I'm on a high horse on that one. So, all right, shit. So I'm on the bus. And like my best friend at the time was a bit of a bad boy.

Uh-huh. So, like, he would taunt people. The word you're looking for is bully and bully. Oh, dude, you were a fucking second in command. I was a second in command. Oh, fuck the lieutenant. Lieutenant bully. Commandant.

Bad lieutenant. Dude, man, you fucking jerking off on a window or what? Er! Er! Cabin lost 10 large on game six. And, I mean, I was the famous, like, second because I was a coward. And I was just like, I just wouldn't say anything. I would just be like, eh, you got him good.

Yeah, okay, wang. So he did it to this kid once. And I didn't know the guy. He lived up the street from us. So happens, kid leaves. Next morning, I'm on the bus. My friend is not. Oh, no.

The bus stops at the second place in my, uh, in my neighborhood and he gets on and then this this kid that had been bullied the night before he comes on and his father comes on after him oh no this is embarrassing for this kid talks talks to the bus driver for a minute this old cranky asshole well he's a bus driver so clearly um so and then comes back to me and he's like did you bully my kid oh no no no oh man he's like he's I heard you and your little friend bullied my kid and it's like I don't

I don't know what to say I just like kind of gibbering at the time Yeah it's terrifying It's like a big man hand in your face Man if I hear you doing that again I'm gonna come back on this bus And it's gonna get real Oh my God

End with that line It's gonna get real I'm gonna kill a kid on this bus What was this like Oh your belt is crusty taunting or like, oh, your mom is dead. Oh, no, it wasn't. It was really petty.

I mean, it was stupid. Yeah, whatever it was. Yeah, like, it wasn't anything. It was above the belt. Yes. Oh, definitely. You! No, no.

Oh, my lord. But what was funny about this is that I came home and I tell my mother about this. Two weeks later, there is a summit at my house. What? To talk it out between the father and I was fucking pottsdale. Summitt. This is a mistake. You never tell anyone what happens at school. As far as anybody knows, you have

lots of friends, and you're not failing the fifth grade. Exactly. Oh, my God. Dude, one time, one time this kid was fucking with my younger brother on the bus, and I'd had enough of it, and it was kind of like, it was like

that we talked about this recently, like, the Bundys, it's like, you know, like, we'll fuck with each other, but don't fuck with us, kind of a thing. Uh-huh. So I fucking, this kid had a brand new, like, fitted, really expensive Yankees cap, I ripped it off his head and threw it out the bus window and fucking told them to stop fucking around. Then this kid, they lived in the same neighborhood as us. So then this kid's parents roll up to the house. Like, uh, our son told us this happened and my brother and I just lied until they left. And then that night, we went and egged

to their house. Oh, what? What a little shit bag. Dude, don't fuck with us. All right. That's that. I got a quick one. Um, we're, There was a bully on the bus, and he was getting off the bus, and he said something, I forget what, to my older brother. And we had just watched Short Circuit the other day, and my brother couldn't think of a comeback, so he quickly just blurted out. Your mother was a lawnmower.

And I'm not kidding, this kid flipped out at that line. He got really mad. That's amazing. That's really good. Eric, you're up. Mean high schoolers and a substitute teachers broke. I love it already. Hi gang, I love your podcast and have been diligently working my way through your back catalog. Before you went on summer break, you encouraged your listeners to write in the mailbag

with stories about movies we had watched in school. I thought I'd throw mine into the mix. Hope you it. We'll see. When I was a freshman, I took Spanish with a bunch of underclassmen. Our teacher upperclassmen. Ooh, thank you. Our teacher was heavily pregnant. Heavily pregnant. What, were there like three in there? Octo mom and informed us that she'd soon take maternity leave for a while

leaving us in the care of a long-term sub sure enough one day we filed in the classroom and saw instead of our petite no non-not I thought she was heavily pregnant

no nonsense instructor we were greeted with our new substitute teacher a young man in a full suit who was extremely nervous incredibly sweaty and unfortunately very very large was Steve Sadek

I mean I don't know why he just didn't walk his fat ass in oncoming traffic. That's a Billy Madison. Okay. Maybe you would call his mother a lawnmower, possibly. He seemed incredibly self-conscious about his size. Oh, man. But tried to put on a brave, optimistic face as he said,

hola. Ola. To a room full of bored teenagers in rural Michigan. Unfortunately for him, teenagers are brutally mean. Correct. The most alpha gang of upperclassmen smelled blood in the water and pounced on that fresh fish like a Shawshank prison population on the poor fat twitchy newcomer.

Oh, God. They murder that guy the first night. Every day was a fresh new hell for this unfortunate sub because he was too large to fit down the aisles of our desks. He'd nervously ask. to hold up our homework so we could visually assess that we'd completed it and the mean

boys would just laugh and hold up a random page knowing that he was too big to walk over and check or too meek to call them out for not actually doing the work. What the fuck? This guy should have been a movie theater usher or something. Go to the principal's office. Go to the principal's office. That'd become my

second language. Yeah, I don't know. This is why I'll never teach a high school class. I'm not deal with those animals. Whenever he'd nervous. I nervously asked the group to congeate of, conjugate. Thank you. Oh, yikes. Or read a sentence out loud in Spanish.

He'd gleefully hurled back some variation of Eres Gordo, your fat, or El Professor S. moi grande in 20. E. Tien, Much o'h, there you go. The teacher is very big and hungry. I bet he eats a thousand pancakes for breakfast. I feel bad for this guy. Did you play special places? In Spanish plays, did you

about a thousand wavos ranceros? That sounds fucking good. Those are two words I know in Spanish. Because I was a lowly freshman trying to stay under the radar. I kept my mouth shut. At least I wanted to attract

the brunt of their harassment. But I wonder, would they skip a clock? Skip a grade? What the fuck? Yeah, maybe she was. I mean she got bumped up. Must be nice. Instead of being bumped.

We're a bunch of bumped down boys. But you know what man? I agree. High school, every man for himself. Every man, woman and child's the media. You keep your eyes down and you just hope. Just keep going. You let the sharks feed and hope that they don't get the scent of you.

But every day, I wondered how often this dude would go home and lament, I don't belong here. I wasn't supposed to be here. Like the fat man who broke down his first day in Shawshank. You like Shawshank a little much. Maybe he was on. while they were writing this. It's a fine movie. Well, I didn't have to wonder long

because this sub-spirit got crushed pretty quickly. Wide-eye optimism about educating... Oh, come on. Wide-eyed optimism. Well, Billy Mumfrey was a cock-eyed optimist. Mixed up in the game. Some might say, what is it?

Ah, damn it. All right. And often no match for the cruel, unrelenting tots of a group of 17-year-old douchebags trying to... coast their way through their foreign language requirements. One day, we followed into the classroom and the sub, wordlessly shuffled over to the television and press play

and settled back into his desk while tearing into a bag of potato. This is great. This is the let go moment. This is the, he's done with it. His eyes never straying beyond his dejected floorgates. Man, just, there's a movie on. Watch it. Don't, I know.

I just go to the back. I'm just feeling bad for someone I'll never meet. Yeah. That's how across two days in the beginning of the school year, my Spanish class watched Tommy Boy. For no discernible reason other than our substitute had swiftly given up on it. No, this is trying to show you that a fat guy could be human. I guess so.

Right? I just, I would steer clear a Tommy Boy, because everyone's going to be calling me Chris Farley for the rest of the time. Would you at least put it on like this, get the Spanish language version or something? So it's a little educational. Oh, well, maybe I'll put on the meaning of like, mm. Yeah. Maybe not.

in a bucket. I'm going to sub this class. Okay, so he's given up and I guess screening is justified because Chris Farley and David spent 30 seconds singing that Spanish ballot

heiress 2 in the car during their journey to save Callahan Auto parts. Oh my God, there's another shot shot shot with Demption line coming up. It was absolutely a waste of classroom time, but it got the

Mean Boys off, the subs back for a few blissful days as the gang cackled at Tommy went wingy. Tommy want wingies. That's the line I thought of when you said a fat guy put on Tommy Boy from the teenager. You're right. This was a bad idea. I silently marveled at how, like, the fresh fish is the shell shake redacted actually. This movie was definitely on when this email was written.

This poor guy didn't have it in him. I wish I could tell you that after we watched Tommy Boy, the sub fought the good fight. And the bullies let him be, but the warden brought the hammered out. I wish I could tell you that, but in high school's no fairy tale world. He wrote out the rest of his time feeding us more movies while he fed himself snacks. You cannot be eating in the classroom. What you need is Clancy Brown to come in with a nightstick and beat these kids half to death. Yep, yep, yep.

Like Clancy Brown, IRL, not having them watch Shawshank, your favorite movie. Yeah, exactly. Put on Highlander. it's been 20 years and I still think about that hapless rotan subs oh that was actually a word in that was a right that was a bit no obtuse sorry I'm thinking about obtuse

that sounds fat too yeah it's all fat substitute teacher and how a group of vicious turds broke his spirit in the fall of 1997 every time I catch Tommy boy in the TV I'm reminded of him and wonder how those fateful days shaped his life he killed himself I mean he's probably dead

No, I'm sure he turned it around. Oh, I hope this letter goes there. We'll see. Hey, well, assistant manager at Staples ain't so bad. Yeah, that's great. Maybe, you know what? He went back to school. He got his actual teaching degree.

Maybe he's like an administrator now. Maybe he's fucking firing these fucks. Maybe he went on to kill a bunch of kids. Oh, my God. I don't know. No, well, the ultimate, the revenge would be if he was the one who, like, judged acceptance letters. Oh, nice of college. That's really that.

I hope this experience was a catalyst to better his life, get healthy, and work on his self-esteem so that he can become a manager at Stables. No. I'm not terribly optimistic. He was able to crawl through the river of shit known as long-term subbing

and come out the other side. Thanks again for all the laughs, gravely, Nick Nulte impressions, and, you know, it's a bunch of praise, and I appreciate that. Rebecca, thank you, Rebecca. I'm going to spare the listeners. me reading compliments about ourselves.

Yeah, it's a little. There you go. There you go. Yeah, I mean, like, being a substitute teacher, that's a, it's a fate where, I mean, like literally, like I just said, I had to, I had to fucking get left back to get these hyenas off my back. I would never throw myself back into that position. No way.

No way. Maybe I would, you teach college, Andrew, I could see that. That's a little different. It's actually kind of great, though, because I teach a lot of first year stuff. And it's like, you get those fuckers that still think it's high school. I fix that real quick. Wait, do you put on Tommy Boy? Yeah, dude, I'm like,

which specialty lays flavor does the grocery store have this week? Oh, everything bagel, perfect. Did you try that too? It's disgusting. It just tastes like sour cream and onions. Yeah, like don't, you know, don't fuck me over with your flavor palette here,

your flavor profile. It's a remake. It's a remake of sour cream and onion. Remit! I am going to read the next one And then I want you to read the last one Because it's got to do with your hometown Oh fuck

Oh no Christ They found you I don't know how but they found The Libyans I'm from Libya No you're not No I'm not

Daily caller date Oh God Hey guys a few episodes back You guys were talking about the Daily Caller Don't remember exactly what episode It's all episodes Which reminded me of my worst date story On Earth

Nice. A few years ago, I decided to try online dating and went on a date with someone. I had messaged a couple of times because I figured, why not? I soon found out, why not? I soon found out. It turns out that he was a reporter for the daily caller. For people unfamiliar, which may or may not include me, this is like a conservative website. Yeah, it's like a Bright Bart-esque kind of. It's not quite the stormfront website, but it's like somewhere on that. Daily storm. or whatever. Well, there's also Stormfront. Yeah. And then there's the Daily Stormer. I don't know if they're affiliated.

Well, Storm from just got shut down. I think the Daily Stormer did and then they relocated their service to a play. I don't know this. They relocated the servers to a Russian host. What a fucking shock. We met at a bar. Well, here's a question.

It turns out, I'm curious with, it turns out he was a reporter for the Daily Caller. Do we know that when we go to the date? Was that in the last message? Like, oh, hey, by the way, McManus's, I'm a reporter. You'll notice me because I'm wearing the hood. I think it's like she rolled up.

Yes. And it came up. We went at a bar where he proceeded to get insanely wasted. Tell me that white people were the minority in this country. Spuse some insanely racist and sexist stuff. And then tell me the Jews secretly run anything. Whoa, like the daily collar? Yeah.

I'm a super liberal feminist lady. who was raised Jewish, so I was obviously having none of this. After an hour, I say, I have to... Well, why don't you stop running everything? No. She just runs most of everything. Oh, nothing. I'm a super...

After an hour, I say, I have to go and we leave with me thinking of ways to shake him off. Fane intervened, and he projectile vomited. What? The moment we left the bar, man. Yes. Like, I mean, maybe you're nervous in front of a pretty lady, but you got to slow down on the first. first date, man. You've got to work your way

up to Steve Bannon. You know what it was. I think what happened was she maybe mentioned something about being raised Jewish. And then his whole conundrum was like what will my friends think? Oh wow. And he just started pounding drinks. Oh, I see how it's going. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I just ran away as fast as I possibly could. Yep, sounds about right. Yeah, I mean, like that's like, that's like, I'm now imagining like the shaky cam run away like in Blair Witch. It's like, so scared. Oh, that's a, this is a good idea.

We should recreate all the, we should film all the mailbag stories. Oh, like a short film movie. That's a great idea. Sarah, you still there? Sarah, I got to tell you about a, uh, uh, uh, a muslim's next. Bha, Sarah! This is all happening while he's standing into a corner. Yeah, yes, he's staring into a corner vomiting.

I just run away Despite never giving him my last name He started emailing me And Facebook message me Nonstop for the next year And I wouldn't answer his texts He recently got fired from Breitbart For mocking a female reporter

Who got assaulted by Trump's campaign manager So I laughed my ass off when that happened Nice Love the show, keep up the laugh Someone could probably figure out who this guy is I'm sure yeah Do the research on that We'll shame him publicly who cares

Man this guy sounds like a nice nightmare. Yeah, a real living nightmare. We love the show. Cupid laughs. Sarah. Well, thank you, Sarah. Sorry about that date. Yeah, that sounds like a real nightmare. Here's my question, though. She decided to try online dating. Right?

Yeah. Now, was this dude using, like, a dating site for normal people? It was not Jane. Well, that's what I'm asking. Was he just on, not normal people, that was stupid, but was he on like one of the the Macupin, matchdox? I'm sure he was. I'm sure. I'm sorry.

Or was she accidentally on hateful prick date? You know what, Andrew? I think they're all our hateful pricked date. Oh, white roses. That sounds like fun. I love white roses. Is that a racist? No, no, I just made that out.

That sounds like it would be kind of fun. But also sounds like it could be racist. Any weird online dating stories, anybody? I never did online dating. It's between us three. I'm trying to think of anything that comes. I mean, I certainly, I never got this far without telling somebody what I do for a living. Yeah, that's true.

You lead with that. I guess you could say, I'm a reporter. Yeah, usually I projectile vomit before I started insulting all these things. Yeah, I've never vomited on a date. You know what, man? I got left back in fifth grade, but I never vomited on a date. That's kind of like a life vomit. That's when you remember, I think.

I've been with the same woman for 11 years. I've probably vomited on a date at this point. Oh, well, yeah, that's possible. All right, last letter of the evening here. An apology, 16 years coming. Oh, there's a little bit of a theme going in the last two. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Oh, good. This one's about Chris Cabin.

Hello, W.HM guys, and greetings from the wilds of upstate New York. I've been wanting to share my story for a while, and now here it is. somewhere around 17 years ago around the time of the release of the Lord of the Rings the Fellowship of the Ring my friend and I were super pumped to see this movie

before we caught a night time showing we indulged in a fat guy tradition a Chinese buffet ooh you can really just put a dent in it that will kill you that will kill you we ate until we were full

devouring our $12 worth several times over after more than a sufficient amount we trekked to the best movie theater in the area, Crossgate's Mall. Chris Cabin and I are very familiar with Kolder Land. Represent 518 White. I saw Borat

there. Nice. That's very nice. We went up to the third level, exclusively the domain of the movie theater. Oh, so this is the old theater. Oh, yeah. Oh, the one upstairs. Yeah, so at one time, this stupid fucking mall had two movie theaters

in it. One was a 12-plex, and one was the new 18-plex. The 12plex was where I saw my first three movies in theaters. Willow Who Fram Roger Rabbit and Ghostbusters 2. So this one mall had 30 screens in it? Yeah, it was a thing where they had the one mall that had the one movie theater that had been

around since like the 80s. Yeah. And then it became like kind of run down and they announced like this mall expansion including building a new 18 screen like state of the art top of the line. Stadium seating. It was the first stadium seating in the area. Did the old theater become like second run? It became second run and then like

when sometimes like indie movies would have a bigger break they'd go to that theater I have no talents as an illustrator I could draw that theater from memory right now if you asked me totally totally all right so

cross-gates mall we went up to third level exclusively the domain of the movie the domain of the movie theater we paid our fee and settled down for a nerd stravaganza I enjoyed the movie the whole way until my stomach started to twist

Oh, Chinese buffet. I moved awkwardly in my seat but wrote the annoyance off. Big mistake. Right around the time of Boromir's death got me swinging. That's John Bean. Oh, okay. The pains became too much. I motioned to my friend and moved with uncanny swiftness to the bathroom.

I hardly made my way into a stall before a fire hose of vomit sprayed itself all over the stall. As I type this, I'm afraid that you might be thinking I got a little bit here. here and there. I need you to understand that I, all caps, painted that stall in pew. Beautiful. A super soaker blast that went from one end to the opposite side.

The oddest part? I believe it was the chicken tariaki that did me in because the chicken skewers had a red glaze and I had just glazed the toilet in a pink grossness. I was just wondering if there's skewers all over the place.

I thought he was going to say he puked up a bunch of wooden skewer. I was like, you're lucky you fucking vomited. I walked out to the bathroom stall, out of the bathroom stall, washed my face and hands, and strode out of the bathroom proper. As I walked, I saw a cinema employee and exclaimed to him,

dude, someone puked all over the bathroom in there. It's fucking gross. Big mistake. As someone who's been in the theater exhibition business since the year, 2017 years, anytime someone comes out and they're like, hey man, there's a big bathroom message. You did it. You're the person

did it. Everybody knows. It's a smelt-a-delta situation. Exactly right. He apologized for the state of the bathroom and began to head that way. It was at this time my friend got out of the movie and I told him we had to leave post-aste. I still feel a bit of guilt about it all these years later. I hope it wasn't one of you

forced to scrub low-priced Chinese food from the walls, the tile floor and the toilet. But if it was, I am sorry. And if the person that had to deal with my mess is listening, I am sorry. With all of that off my chest, have any of you had to make a hasty retreat

from a movie? Thanks for the laughs and letting me get that off my chest. Also, if you would, could you say hi to my cousin Brad? If you do, I would be counting this as his Christmas present, as I know that, like myself, he is a diehard fan. Hey, yo, what up, Brad. You ain't getting shit.

You ain't getting shit. What up, Brad, 518 represent. Look at the big brains on Brad. And guys, come up here on tour. Our mall has a comedy club now. We're big time. Evan T. Troy, New York. Well, thank you, Evan.

I will quickly say it's not related to a movie, but I went to a Chinese buffet in Grants, New Mexico. What? Hey, yeah, the phone number, I don't know. And I had vicious, vicious food poisoning from it, so much so that I held up in a hotel room in Armarillo, Texas

for like two days just puking and shitting. Oh, my God. That's a Burroughs novel. No, no, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, yeah, you got one side on the toilet, you got your head in a bucket. It's double, like at the same time,

it's like, so, wait, how is these both faucets going at once? Anyway, I, uh, one Christmas, I got together with two friends who don't celebrate Christmas and we went to a Chinese buffet and I ate like a pig because I was at a Chinese buffet and then had to go to a relative's house for dinner and on holidays it's the dumbass thing of Like we have to eat early, which makes no fucking sense. It's two times a year I have to have dinner at 3 p.m.

And I hate it. Fuck it. Just fuck it. It's so fucking stupid. But so that's what happened. And it was like one of those things where it's like, well, they made this Christmas dinner. You can't just not eat this Christmas dinner because you went out. So then I ate a bunch of Christmas dinner and then vomited horrendously in my relatives' bathroom. Two quick stories.

But one, obviously neither Chris nor Andrew. did clean that. That was not the theater we worked at now. We were at the Circle. Oh, I apologize. The Latham Circle Mall, 10 planks, RIPD.

RIPD. Okay, so one, I remember being, it was a boy girl party in my friend Rob's house. Oh, that's sexy as fuck. And we're all drinking Mike's hard lemonade

because it's 2001. This is a fun, sexy party. Everybody wants Harper. Oh, and, yeah. Oh, hey, is that, are those Bacardi 101 shots? Sure, I'll have some of those. I'm going to be a courageous man talking to some ladies tonight.

And, I mean, it was fucking memento. It's just, I remember, like, you can't do that shot, glug. And I wake up in his bathroom, in his incredibly pink bathroom, his mom's bathroom. Dead chicks everywhere. Vomit. And I mean, everywhere. Not just, like, in the toilet, not just around the toilet, like, everywhere. And his sister is like, hey, Steve, you okay in there?

You've been there for a while. I'm like, oh, shit. And I'm just, like, trying to make anything clean in this thing. And I'm, like, throwing away towels, like, kind of a thing, like, stuffing them under my shirt so they could just go in the garbage later. And then this other time I went to the best pizzeria in the Bronx called Sorrento's on Williamsburg Road, 7-1-8 represent. And they had, like, this saloon door, it was a big pizzeria thing. And then they kept the porno movies in back behind the saloon door.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Did you have a video store like that in your town? I was like, oh, only cowboys get pornos. No, it was, you know, the pizza oven, the little restaurant's part, and there's a saloon door, and you walked past, and there's a hallway that would get into the kitchen, but also there was a bathroom right there. Right. And I go to the bathroom, regular, regular, degular piss, and I go to, oh, that's good.

Everything worked out, okay. You could say number one. Number one. And I flushed the toilet, and it starts overflowing, and I'm like, oh, no, and it was doing, like, oh, no, like Mr. Bean shit to try and keep it out. Would the Farley brothers direct your life? They should. And I closed the door and I kind of just like kind of walked out.

I grabbed my pizza because it was a pick up and go. And then they're like, oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah. The Yankees. And I'm like, yeah, uh-huh. And the water, it starts to follow me. It follows. It's just like, shh. It's like getting towards a salute door.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got to go, got to go, got to go. Dude, you know, you just, you reach behind the toilet and turn off the water. I don't know these things that. age. I won't not share. Please, you have to. I got two. Steve knows one.

One night, I liked, I liked the hardcore music for a little bit. And I has a snapcase t-shirt. Oh, you know what? I know where this is going. Hashtag first-hand experience. I got a little wasted one night and forgot everything. Like, I forgot going home. I wake up,

got no shirt on, got no pants on. This is going to have to be a tandem story. I love your part of this story, Andrew. Please go on, Chris. Was this the same one when I was cleaning up vomit on the bed? I don't know if I'd say it was cleaning up, but yeah, you're in the ballpark. Pushing it around.

Just tell what you remember. I think it's a separate story, because I think that was a... I don't think it is. Okay. And Steve tells me he's like He comes in later that day And he's like

Do you know where your snapcase t-shirt is? I was like, no He's like, yeah, I walked by it And it was covered in vomit. Yeah, I walked where we lived It was a big courtyard. It was like in the dead center of it. It was in the dead center of it in a clump

And it was like brown and awful. That's disgusting. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's I was like, snapcase. I know someone with a snapcase t-shirt. And I thought I was being so clever that I, like, like, wrapped it up and threw it away. No.

No, no, no. No. So this, this continues because I come home, Chris Cabin and I were living in the same room at the time, sharing a room. Yikes. I come home from the same party, presumably. And Chris is sitting on the floor, cross-legged, in nothing but underwear, covered in vomit. like a baby that broke open a can of spaghetti

and he just looks up at me and I was like what's going on and you go like what are you talking about I was like there's vomit everywhere and he goes well I don't know

I was I was so livid and I was like what do you tell you clearly threw up all over the place and you said it wasn't you and I said so what happened and you go I don't know

someone else did it A wizard did it. To which I responded, oh, so you're telling me that someone came in here, took all your clothes off, threw up all over you and your bed, and then left. And you just looked up at me, dead-faced, and went, yep. That could be a demon or something? It's like a conjuring movie. This takes a lot of this thing out of my second story.

You're good. So this other, okay, so my first time trying tequila. Oh, that's never a good idea. So I was at a friend's birthday party. Was it a boy girl party? It was a boy girl party. That's it. You got to hear they get pretty wild.

Great. Press them ladies by drinking. Oh man, and we dance to haya. Oh, wow. Yeah. Way to date yourself. So I'm coming back and like I had six shots. I was actually feeling fine.

Six shots. Coming back. And a friend of ours from a. an adjacent dorm from an apartment he just calls out he sees me walking down he's like hey man

want to come up here I'm like no man I'm gonna go home always the right answer by the way yeah but man and he like he's like look I have an event can you just show up and sign in and I was like sure so and

this is my downfall of course so I go up there and it's like an Italian like Italian dinner night. No! So he's like, sit down. He's like the saggiest like no sauce noodles. Oh God.

And I'm just stuffing them in my mouth. Of course. Because I'm wasted and I just want something to soak it up. Wait, I'm sorry. You were that wasted while a community dinner was still going on? What time was it? Nobody was there. That's why he was like, I just need somebody put their name.

name down and maybe eat my shitty food. But yeah, you must have started early. Oh, yeah, I had like started at like, that's what I'm getting at. Yeah. We had, the party had started like six. Oh, that's a terrible idea. So I have that and I also drink like two fucking like beersteins worth of Carlo Rossi. Oh, I was threw up in my own home.

And then when I'm leaving, I get this guy is coming and he's like, oh man, before you leave, you have to have a Bacardi shot. Jesus Christ. And I say no four times, and then he asked me a fifth time. I say yes. Oh, that's a five-time Chris. Take a shot for blank. Yeah, that's it.

And then next morning I wake up. Uh-huh. And, like, I just, like, roll over and look at the floor. And there are these little purple mounds of vomit. Purple. Because of the car. Oh, yeah. Okay, gotcha.

They're just noodles. I think that's how Grimmis got started. I was going to say, that's what it looked like. Grimmis got stabbed in death. So there's like two or three of the month on the bottom of my bed and I'm just like, oh shit, fuck. There's like two on my desk.

Oh, but then I'm like, okay. Yeah, and I'm like, all right, I'll just go and I'll get my, my towel and I'll take care of that. I go out into my dorm, my dorm apartment. Uh-huh. There are clumps everywhere. Oh my God, the trouble with tribbles. Like there.

Spock there everywhere. These purple mouths. There's three in the bathroom, one behind, the couch oh they smell like cheap wine so yeah that's that's brutal dude that was that is a logical captain thanks for all the gross stuff tonight yeah i mean this is a specifically gross mailbag you apologize well you know what nobody shit their pants yeah yay congratulations yeah so we yeah so no more we we expelled all our diarrhea stories well and now we expelled all our uh you still have some more well no i said i was having uh half and half yeah oh

Anyway, yeah, it's called an Arnold Palmer. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for September. If you want your weird stories read on the air, or if you have questions for us right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.mail. And let's say this, for the October mailbag, how about some Halloween stories? Halloween parties would be fun.

Totally. If you confronted someone in a semi-racist or super-racist costume, that's always great. Weird candies. Weird candies, always fantastic. that address again. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.