We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Backfiring Prank Calls, Watching "The Jerky Boys" On 9/11, and After-Hours Movie Theater Sexcapades

Episode Date: March 29, 2018

On this month's dive into the WHM Mail Bag, the guys read letters about prank call victims getting revenge, people forever associating 9/11 with the Jerky Boys, after hours theater sex-hijinks, pushy foot fetishists, and one lucky listener who got to share the stage with Gallagher! If you have a question for the gang, or want your crazy story read on the air, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHMailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Juppin alongside the whole gang, Stephen Saitak, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska. We're here to read some letters for the month of March, 2018. Oh my God, there might be madness in these letters. Oh, right. Yeah, sorry, we're going to go through.

We've got a bracket of 16 letters. That's right. Oh, shit. Whoa, didn't see that one getting out of there. So Steve Sayak, let's start us off here. Who is your daddy and what does he do? Ooh, nice. This sucks machine. Hey, gang.

The discussion of soundboards on the Jerky Boys episode reminded me of something from a while ago, and I had to share. The year was 2004. The Calgary Flames, my city's hockey team, were in the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in many decades. The opposing team was the San Jose Sharks. Is the second part

important? Is the second part important? I don't think so. As the teams were closer to the cup, it was announced that our... Of course it is important, though. No, I just read ahead. It is important. Yeah. Oh, all right. I'm sorry. San Jose. There goes my bracket. San Jose.

San Jose. San Jose. California. Got it. Okay. As the teams got closer to the Cup, it was announced that our province's premier, Ralph Klein... Provinces Premier? Yeah, that's an amazing title.

Totally. Ralph Klein and his American counterpart, California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, had entered into a wager. If the Sharks won, Klein would donate money to Shorts and Ingers charity and vice versa. However, a couple of days later, the

reported that a radio station had used a sophisticated, in quotation mark, sorry, a sophisticated computer generated simulation to a person H. Schwarzenegger, aka a fucking soundboard. Oh, Ralph Klein, you idiot. Hi, how are you? How does it even, how would you use the soundboard to concoct a dialogue that a bet could be made? I'm a cop, you idiots. You had to, like, this was all on Robert Klein. Yes, it had to be. A Ralph Klein, not Robert Klein. Not famed comedian Robert Klein. Ralph.

Well, yeah, I'm just imagining how that conversation... Is there a tape of this conversation somewhere? I would hope so. If you read on, they say there is not. Oh, man. I don't know if they ever aired the prank phone call. I can't find a recording. But I just imagine Klein being told Schwarzenegger's on the line

followed by, I want to ask you a bunch of questions. And yeah. But it's just like, yes. I don't, like, how would you get to the point where it's like, if your team wins, you have to donate to my charity and vice versa? Maybe Ralph Klein started doing all the talking, you know what I mean? It had to have been all on round. Well, no, if you have, if you have a sophisticated soundboard, you could get all those, like, promos that Schwarzenegger is done for charities. Oh, a real sophisticated soundboard.

Maybe you could do research. Yeah, some shit like that. It goes down smooth. That's right. You're going to go down smooth on the flames kick your butt. want to make a bet. I'm sure you could find that somewhere. Oh, He can give me these people air.

No, my name is Klein. Oh, wait, you want to do... Okay, I'll donate to your air charity if you win. And if I win, because I am the hockey team now, you donate to the Premier Alberta Fund. You just donate to our social fund. Socialized medicine, baby.

It's all good gravy up here. Come with me if you want to live. That's exactly what I'm saying. Socialized medicine. Thanks for reminding me of this gem of the past, from the past, and thanks for providing my workday with a bit of humor. Just a bit.

P.S. if you ever get a chance to look at Ralph Klein, which I will right now, he was quite the character, consorting with an outlaw banker gang members in rundown hotel bars and drunkenly. yelling at homeless people to get a job are amongst his notable achievements. This is not the big fat guy that got he was doing crack, right?

No, no. Robert Ford. Robert Ford. King Robert Ford. Rob Ford. Ah, dude's long dead. This guy's dead too. Oh, Robert, Ralph Klein is dead? Oh, at Rob Ford's funeral, there was a sophisticated sound

recording of Arnold Schwarzener giving a eulogy. Come with me if you want to live. And everybody leaves the cemetery. If you could get lowered into that casket at a certain speed, I will donate the charity. Yeah, he died in 2013, RIPD. There's one more chip. It's just some fat radio DJ.

Pressing the buttons. All right, Chris Cabin. Let's move on to another prank phone call. Oh, here we go. The beginning of this is jerky boys heavy. Seeing a pattern here. All right. Let's go ahead.

Prank phone call. When I was a kid, I was friends with an idiot named Dan. Fuck you, Dan. Who loved the jerky boys, jackass, and anything else where people act like morons. I like all those things. Really? Yeah, I like the jerky boy. Well, I mean, I liked the jerky boys.

And I like jackass. You like stuff where people act like morons. Yes, all that. He's been on this show for almost nine years. I'm dedicated, God damn it. I had to like morons? We're like smart. sophisticated gentlemen. Did he like moron movies? Did anyone else in the universe watch

moron movies? What is that? I don't think so. What is this? They were called the three stooges. It's called sucker punch. No, it is something called moron movies. It's a tape that I would run from Blockbuster from time to time. Where this old guy, I think he was probably local, like from New Jersey. He's like, this is a movie about. And it was like, it was just like, was like, uh, like, I'm kicking my own ass. And it was a big mattress with a boot on it. And he would run into it. And he's like 60 years old. Look, I think some of them are on YouTube. Are you sure? This wasn't the guy who just ran the video store and he just put that there. That's in time. His home movies. Thanks for coming a moron movie. This sounds like a fucking the ring.

Yeah. There was like one where like Superman was at a psychiatrist. Like he would just do like 30 seconds. up fake movies? Yeah, it was like 30 second sketches. It's like the wolf pack. This actually sounds amazing. This is up your alley. I want to see this. Okay.

I also love the offspring. Do you love that? You know what? Earlier offspring, I totally still stand by. Hey, yeah, yeah, come out and play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one album you're allowed to like. Yeah.

There's tunes on the record that has pretty fly for a white guy that is still good. That song was played to death, though. Sure. uh naturally he wanted to make prank phone calls whenever he slept over yep uh we were mostly too stupid to even come up with a good joke and would often just hang up on people or say curse words fuck i said tit tit tit i had the tape recorder from home alone too oh the talk boy yeah a little rich boy we got over here la deed oh look at this his parents are

$30 at Caldor. $30 credit at Caldor. I had to make prank calls with a laundry tub and a spoon. Tin cans and strings. Yes. And we once tried to replicate the scene in the movie where Kevin slows his voice down to sound like an adult. Credit card, you got it. Well done.

We tried calling a psychic hotline. even though neither of us had a credit card. You're not going to get too far there. We were not able to accurately predict what the operator would say. So our recording, which sounded like a slowed down child's voice coming out of the cheap tape recorder and not an adult, constantly interrupted the woman to say unrelated things. That's the problem with like pre-soundboardy stuff where you're just sort of like you can't do that. It's so tough.

That's why at the end of the jerky boys, it doesn't make any sense when they do that really correctly. Oh, come on, jerky. Oh, right. And Alan Arkin's like, what? How are you reacting to everything I'm saying if it's a recording? Oh, wow. Are you an X-Men? These guys are geniuses.

Oh, man, that video. Okay. Late at night on another sleepover, I was playing Super Nintendo. Sick! When Dan... A little rich boy over here. No, I had a Super Nintendo. I had a Super Nintendo.

Oh, man. They only made him in Connecticut. When Dan just hands me a live phone call He had just dialed without any warning Fuck you, Dan Yeah, that's a dick move There was a tired sounding man on the line Who had picked up

I could not come up with anything So I just Hello So I just said You've reached the sex line He didn't reach shit You were the one that called Stupid Dan

And he hung up It was one of the lamest prank prank calls ever done. Fast forward to the next morning, Dan and I are playing Pokemon cards. These kids are awesome. This is nuts. When the phone rings. I don't suspect the thing, so I am blindsided when my mother walks in and tells me she received a call from a man who says, we prank called him last night. At this point, I realized Dan didn't even bother to dial 6-7 before dialing. I think it was Star 6-7. But this is actually good for our younger listeners, there were all these phone things you could do that they don't know about it's right can you

start 69 anymore i doubt it bent over and i'll show you isn't that what built the dennis miller empire no no it was 10 10 to 20 but it was another number thing babe well that was just to get like cheap long distance oh you know i was watching uh about this tv tape in austin and there was this commercial hang on a second explain to everyone who's not the three of us in this room what is the tv tape is it's a it's a tape that a shut-in made of like just television vision of the evening and like you'll find them at thrift stores and stuff like it'll just say like wings number one it's so creepy mantis episode three exactly and you watch it watch what these goobers looked at it's bizarre it is it's it's a fun travel I'm made it for the local commercials

yeah the local commercials are fantastic I've posted a couple of them but one was that that commercial was Ving Rames and Vanessa Williams pretending there were a couple for some reason do you remember that yes I do yes yeah and it's just she's like oh this oh these men they don't even know how to use like sprints crazy minutes or whatever nonsense yes i do remember this wow that's taking me back can i borrow that tv tape yeah you surely dude honestly it's like a time machine uh all right chris cabin uh i don't know if this was a national thing but around here you could dial six then seven then wait for the dial tone before making your call and it would prevent your number from being star 69 right which back then would tell you the last

phone number that dialed your house uh Well, it would call it, right, wouldn't it? No, Star 69 would call it, but Star 67 would, like, block it. It's like using Mr. Data Shields Up. We're making a prank phone call. Hit Star 67. I just wanted to lay down what Star 69 for sure was for a young person. When you dialed Star 69, it automatically called that last number.

Yes. Uh-oh, Mr. Data, shields up. They're hailing us. Oh, no, they're hailing us back. They're hailing us back. Oh, no, no, no, cancel the call. Pick it up and hang it up real quick. Warp Drive.

I need that on my fucking answering machine. Maybe yes, Emilio's bizzeria. You've reached the sex line. 1,900 hot sex. This is Mr. Sex. By the way, if you want more jokes like that, our Star Trek show, The Nexus on Patreon. There you go.

All right, Kevin, let's finish this fucking long story. So this guy traced our number, and now my mom told him she was going to take us to his house to apologize. Oh, God. That's a bad movement. So that's how the sleepover can conclude it. That's an irresponsible mother, by the way. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this lady's just kind of tell this dude to fuck right off.

Yeah, exactly. Someone calls and asks if my son fucking prank to you, I'll ask him if his refrigerator is running. Well, I mean, like, you can go then say, oh, you rotten boys, and you can do whatever the fuck. But, like, I'm going to drive into some dude's house and look at my child. Yeah, you're taking time. out of your own day. Come apologize to me. Yeah, exactly.

You piece of shit. Apologizing does not build character. Never has. No, seriously. It's a waste of time. It's like taking your kids to church. Yeah, that too. They don't want to be there.

It's a waste of time. Happy Easter, everyone, coming up. We drove out to the old man's house and he told us about how he told us about how he had been afraid when the phone rang late at night

that there was an emergency. Specifically, he thought his son might have been hurt. His son might have been sick or in the hospital or something. Or working a sex line. Also, I didn't get a clear picture of the situation. Like all prank callers, we were cowards and we sheepishly apologized and went home to resume with less zeal our unfinished Pokemon card game match.

At the time, I was not super into this prank calling stuff and even as an idiot child that I had to feel bad about my actions. not Dan though I distinctly remember him saying rooffully on the car right home

how are we supposed to know about his son I'm with Dan you know what honestly yeah it was probably right

then I started thinking for the first time this guy is a fucking idiot wow with the old man right not Dan I think Dan Dan seems like a straight shooter

he does I'm pretty sure Dan's got a pretty cool podcast right I'm on the fence about that one later on in life he would teach me

how to use a lighter and a can of aerosol spray to make a blowtorch. This sounds top tier. Yeah, totally. But also, like, when later on in life, like, what, when you were 29? On your bachelor party, man. And we eventually parted ways in high school. Oh, they broke up.

Oh, no. Thanks for all the consistently great shows, fellow. You always make work go by quicker. Now, I have a feeling, did you guys, like, get the feeling also that, uh, Dan, whenever this dude was like, hey, mom, can Dan sleep over? The parents were like, fucking, doesn't this kid have any more fucking friends than Dan? Dan was clearly a bad influence. Yeah, dude, a bad seed.

That's, this is Alex, by the way. Oh, yeah, I mean, like, yeah, you, you, I was never the bad friend. I was, you know, it was too much of a spas. I went along with the bad kids, but, yeah, explain spas. What was that, like a lot of motor function problems? It's exactly like he is now. Yeah, like, look at me. It's like that.

It's high school anxiety. Yeah, it's... All right. All right, Eric, Cisco. Jerky boys, never forget. Wow, top heavy on the prank calls. I like it. Listen, if you got more prank calls, stories, send them in.

It's nice to go down memory lane when phones were used differently. Hey, guys, I'm a big fan of the show, going all the way back to the days of the new adventures of Pippie Longstock. Oh, my God. That's a long time. Thanks. That's half a decade. That is fucking crazy. We've been doing this show too long.

We're going to end it. I've never written into the mailbag before, but knew that I had to. The second I saw that you were doing an episode on the Jerky Boys movie, I went to a private high school in Philadelphia. Rich kid. A little rich boy not.

In East Philadelphia, born and rain. I bet he had a color TV. Okay, so we got Canada and a bunch of rich kids. again, you know what, maybe the Patreon you pass a phone, paid forward. Yeah, exactly, get some of the private school money coming my way. Some of that Super Nintendo money.

Hey, you know what, maybe stop buying talk boys all the time and pick into the Patreon. Yeah, you know, you can fund this spazes rehabilitation. Are those on-brand G.I. Joe figures? Well, la-de-da. We have a caviar for dinner.

Yeah, for Christmas, I got a five pack of mixed brand comic book characters. Yeah, I got Superman and Wolverine's the same five pack. So what? So what? There was a Power Ranger there. So what? Wait, is that a rich thing or a poor thing? You'll get those in like, uh, uh, bootleg shops. It'll be like, Wolverine, it'll be like a five pack of random toys like, uh, Wolverine, Power Rangers, Superman. Oh, weird. You're just buying garbage from people who know that it's garbage. Sorry. This meant, I had to, this meant that I usually had to get up very early and get ready to catch my bus in from the suburbs. Oh, right, the private school in Philly.

If I was up early enough, I often had time to watch a good bit of TV before I had to head out the door. Look at this person watching TV before school. Are you kidding that all the time? I watched MTV music videos. Garfield and friends. I barely made it every day, every single day. That makes 100% sense with you. I mean, I would have 120 minutes on.

but it's like while I'm trying to rapidly shower, dress myself, and pretend like I did not. Oh, well, you waste your time with all that showering. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's how you cut it down. Okay. Well, you're going to be like your piece of shit. I know, no, what? Wait, wait.

One morning I happened to watch about 30 minutes of the Jerky Boys movie. I wasn't familiar with them as a kid, but I couldn't help but watch in morbid curiosity. Why are those guys so fast? even as a high school sophomore i couldn't make any sense of what the movie was supposed to be what the hell's a sizzle chest i probably would have just forgotten about the jerk the jerky boys movie if it not had happened if if if for if for what it happened later in the day in just several hours i'll be sitting in my sophomore biology class announcing that two planes had crashed into the world trade center 17 years later i still can't separate my memories of

9-11 from my memory of watching the jerky boys movie. Wow, that is weird, man. Well, they were, it was a New York City movie, right? Same shit. Yeah. Any discussion? They are working downtown at the end of the film. Yeah, they are two New York City disasters.

It was all a big prank. It kind of was. Also, by the way, he says that I'd be sitting in my sophomore biology class announcing that, was he the one making this proclamation? Hold on a second.

Give it to Alex. Wait, when we left Afghanistan, did we press Star 6-7 or not? Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. And then, of course, the military action from the United States is to do Star 6-9. Yeah. And it's just an instant invasion.

Fucking terrible. Honestly, I actually don't think we should have invaded any country. Anyway, it should have been more of a criminal matter. Any discussion of where you were that day will invoke memories of, Johnny hiding in a bathroom stall telling Kamal to open his toolbox and stick a piece of baloney in it. Any memory of the chaos and uncertainty of that day

is equipped with the image of Kamal's cab hijinks. To be honest. Are there any... Shut up, Chris. Are there any movies you intrinsically tied to the memory... Thank you. It was a big one for me. Memories of some big event or disaster.

thanks for making every tuesday of the past six years something to look forward to keep up to great work alex in pittsburgh thank you alex for your letter and remember to give us your money here's something i can tie a disaster specifically i mean this is crazy and alex's letter like drummed up these memories man but i remember sitting in the theater specifically watching that tim burton planned of the apes movie uh-huh and then i was like this movie's a fucking disaster no I actually is weird

that's it that's nothing I read the joke was it I get it okay let's just move on there is a guy this guy in my office and I was just talking to him

about randomly this radio show I used to listen to Ron and Fez who's at a WNEW in New York I was like oh yeah I used to listen to those guys and like we're similar age and he's like yeah I did too

blah blah I was like I remember this is him he's like I remember listening to them the day on 9-11 like that whole night because it was like 7 to 10 and I was like and I went right back to exactly wow really I listened to that radio show like and it was like a very clearly a very somber episode as in New York was like it was just like getting phone calls of people like what are they doing who are they missing in this shit it was like it was a weird wild ride that I went on it's an odd turn for Ron and especially this afternoon yeah exactly yeah I got nothing nothing I mean I remember when I mean big

Events, I guess. I do. I remember when O.J. was the white Bronco thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That whole thing. Was that June 11th, 94? Whatever that documentary is. Yeah. I was watching a tape of broadcast news. Like, you watching broadcast news in 1994? You son of a bitch the Knicks were in the NBA finals. That's what I remember every time that fucking that Bronco chase. Oh, that's, that's you, Steve. Sorry.

Oh, yeah. I was told to stop watching William Hurt. I was watching Ghostbusters on TV, and then someone blurted out, hey, the Challenger just exploded. No, that didn't happen. You were 50 years old? What?

That was 87, right? Yeah, but you were, what would three? I was alive, dude. I'm older than you. Dude, if you're alive, you are watching Ghostbusters. I remember watching Ghostbusters extremely young. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember watching it in Chicago. Wow, that's young. That's young sister. That's when I was the seed. All right. Let's move on here from the 9-11 email. Yeah, I guess it's a little weird. You put those up-tempo numbers in the top of the show, man.

Where were those pictures I was supposed to see, Steve? All right. After Hours Theater DeBotry. Oh, Chris Cabin. This is our world right here. Here we go. Hi, guys. I used to work in a movie theater in a suburban college town,

and I consider it to have been a defining point my lifelong love of movies as well as a pinnacle of teenage debauchery. Yeah, actually, yes. Check mark, relating to this. It turns out it's not the best idea to have a large quantity of horny teenagers

spending all their late nights and weekends working in a place with a lot of dark corners. I can attest to this. Disagree, disagree. Can I tell you just with last, the Epp, Tarzan and Jane, Tarzan and the Eight Man there, where we introduced the idea that someone needs to produce horny history.

Yeah. And now reading this, the word horny is starting to entertain me again. Oh, it's an all-timer for me. That's as good as fuck. That's good as shit. That's a big one. Horny will make me laugh, no matter. Almost in any context.

Right. It's the best version of that thing, right? Fuck you thirsty. All those people are saying. Aroused, please. Aroused is too clinical. That's for the age of innocence. That's a private school term.

He's like, well, is she lubricating at that point? Like, you, get out of here. What? What are you watching? The theater I worked in wasn't a large multiplex, but rather a single hallway 10 screener run by a former Midwestern chain that typically had about 20 to 25 people on staff. Besides all the free movie privileges

that I abused, the real perk was the freedom to pop in on any Wednesday or Thursday after closing around 3 a.m. and screen any new releases that had just been built by the projection team before the weekend releases. 3 a.m. What the fuck?

We were canceling shows getting going at fucking 9.45. I'm not popping in any even as a child wasn't popping anywhere at 3 a.m. Oh, I was asleep.

Like, no, I'm sorry, you can't see the fucking 8.30 Spider-Man 2. Why? The projector broke. Are there drugs and booze? Otherwise, I'm not anywhere at 3 a.m.

I think there might, I mean, this is a story about horny teens. Oh, well, let's read on and see. 3am is the hour of the horny teens. Some of these screenings ranged from actual punishment

of having to see a movie You Were Made to Build Up Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D Herbie fully loaded As some examples they give here To full staff chaos screenings With pizza and alcohol Return to the King

Star Wars Episode 3 Yeah you gotta be wasted For that last one there There typically wasn't much to do besides work in the summer So besides almost all our free time In the theater watching movies There was also a significant number

of employees dating Nice. Yeah, this happens, man. Chris Cabin and I lived this. Talk to HR. When all your friends with 9 to 5s are out on the weekend and you're in a dark movie theater watching Will Ferrell remake Bewitched, you make do.

One particular summer night. Oh, a hot summer night. Yeah, dude, had a full staff double screening of wedding crashers and Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Double oof. At some point... You know what, dude? Don't look at me in the face and pretend you don't love wedding craters

when it came out. No, I know, but now it's 12 years later and double... You know, here's the problem with Wedding Crash. It's four hours long. Exactly. Yeah. Like, if that was a 90-minute movie, you might still watch it today. Totally. It's his fucking goddamn run-times, man. I will never sit through that movie. Wow.

Oh, well done. At some point in the evening, two employees who were known to be dating wandered out of the theater mid-screening. Now, this wasn't all that... Hey, Rob, Robbie. Are they known to be dating? As far as I know, it was unknown. Well, now I guess they're known to be dating.

Great turn of phrase. Now, this wasn't all that uncommon. It's probably sometime around 4.30 or 5 in the morning, and people bailed frequently, especially for the double features. Five in the morning, my Jesus. Why? Because your first show's going off at 10, so somebody's got to be clopening. Oh, so it was 4.30 in the morning,

so they started wedding crashes at 9 o'clock, I'm guessing. Oh, wow. Yeah, you're still... Oh, wow. going to try and get Rachel McAdams back. Wow. But 30 minutes later, when they wandered back in, they caught the attention of literally everyone. And almost immediately, I saw all the managers in attendance look at each other and then leave the theater together.

A fucking circle jerk, I guess. Yeah. A couple of us being nosy and having a good idea of what it happened. Are they talking about Owen Wilson again? Maybe. Oh, wow. My nose is broken. A couple of us being nosy.

and having a good idea of what had happened followed to the manager's office where they were reviewing surveillance footage where we saw the duo wander into a smaller theater in the back hallway. What did you think was gonna happen? Totally.

Wait, these people are jerking off the surveillance footage? I mean, this is my question. That seems what that is. Finish your part here. The managers left us in the office to watch the now live footage as they ran to the smaller theater,

presumably did a once over, and then walked back into the hallway. This is child pornography. How old are these kids that were watching them fuck? Is my question. Well, I mean, you're getting beers, I mean, but there could be underage drinking, I suppose. Yeah, and how old are these managers? Like, I don't know. There's a lot of laws are very

iffy right now. Listen, I mean, you know, we had some scuzzy managers. Oh, yeah. We worked at a 10-screen multiplex just like this. We had some scum come through the door. That's just the way it is. Hey, hey, Doug, does that thing have a zoom?

mine can you zoom in oh man i've had the hearts for brenda for months yeah i know she's 17 i'm 39 it's fine whatever i'll be divorced soon you know what true love waits you know that's it's an old saying but it's true oh my god right now you're mocking me in 13 months you call me a fucking hero all right all right gregg i'm reading ahead you guys are going to keep going keep going what happened next we'll never leave my eyes manager noticed the trash can next to the theater door reached in and like a disappointed dad picked up a bra from the floor. Hi, Bruce Willis and Armaged. Oh, Eap pulled a condom out of the trash can with a look that could only be described as pure horror. Now your touching child

comes. That's the thing, dude. All you need to do is get a fucking flashlight. If you need to, it's in the garbage anyway. Here is the bigger question, because this dude is just managing a movie theater. Why did you care? Yeah, exactly. What fucking detect is shit? No, no. He picks it up and he's like, still warm. Couldn't have gotten far. Tastes it.

Well, that's Reggie's gum. That's the high point of the inevitable court case that would follow it is Eric's lawyer saying, and you touch the child's cum. That's true. It's fucking, it's abhorrent. This guy belongs in jail, this manager. People always joked about fucking in the theater. These two actually did it.

So what. Yeah. Yeah, they're the horny teens. They're fine in this scenario. What is this guy trying to unravel here? And are you telling me you've been managing this fucking theater? You haven't seen kids fucking from the fucking surveillance. You should be happy that it's employees and not fucking customers.

So this is a power trip with a sexual edge. This guy was just honking off all night. Halking off. For sure. You're going to judge me for honking off who's Brenda? He was fucking tugging it to Brendan. I didn't. even get to do about and yeah you call me a scumbag now in 13 months you'd call me a hero

because listen that dude's picking up that condom from he's not he's not going into the the sauce yeah he's going to be outside and he's thinking about what that's anyway this guy belongs in jail and you should report this to whoever your state representative is well let's see what happened here we were quickly whisked out of the manager's office and they returned to the theater and kicked on the house lights sending everyone except the offenders home fuck these people. I know. What are you doing this? What the fuck are you doing? What is he doing with the offenders now? This is getting fucking. Marvel's the offenders? By the Friday shift, they'd been removed from the weekend schedule and we were informed that they will be no longer attending

employee screenings. Well, no, that there will be none at all. Oh, there will be no more employee screenings, oh, I see. Technically, they never announced why or told any employees what happened, but most people assumed. Besides, I wasn't that upset at losing my screening privileges. I was more upset that the last movie I screened was Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. Having worked and been in and around theaters, most of your lives, do you have any stories of late night or after before our debauchery? Keep up the hating Brandon in Milwaukee. By the way, if you're in Milwaukee, Brandon, you should probably check out our show on July 14th. Right, yeah, at the back room at Collective Co. That's right. Collective-o, I believe.

Collectiv-o, yes. W-HMpodcast.com, click on that tour tab. debauchrous stories from the multiplex? Well, first of all, by the way, a couple of these are just locked in the vault and not for public consumption. Sorry, Brandon. Do you know what? I'm going to go, I'm going to run for office in Alabama now. Don't, don't you worry. I remember one time, this is disgusting. I don't think

I've ever told this story on the air, but who knows, it's been a long time. We were cleaning a theater late at night, and we heard like banging, like pounding on a door banging. Not fucking. Not fucking. Not fucking. No, I would have said fucking. Just someone was banging on a door.

And so we're like, oh, that's weird. Does it sound like someone's knocking somewhere? Eh, whatever. Just like keep cleaning the theater. Go to the next theater, start cleaning it. The banging is louder, like closer. We're like, someone is knocking on a door somewhere. Like, let's fucking follow the sound, right?

So we follow it to like the back emergency corridor and whatnot. Getting louder, getting louder, open this door. There is a family at the bottom of the, this staircase, this like emergency exit. What? That is trapped down there. Oh, Jesus.

But let me paint you this picture. It's like it was a stair that just went down, like a stairwell, goes down to the ground floor and it's just a little like four by four square like door area. A panic room. But the exit door is right there. Oh, okay. There's a door literally at the bottom of these stairs. To leave.

Yes. It was like, you know, like you see the alternate exits in movie theaters. Like that's what they did. They went out. Well, that's what I thought. thought right like they went out and for some reason the mall locked the door right so i'm standing at the top of this staircase and i'm like the guy's like what the fuck we can't fucking get out of here and we're like dude the door is right there and he's like what fucking door and they like come back up

and he's like you show me a door and i go downstairs and the door is right there and i just kind of like gently push it open oh my god and he goes i was like see the door open it's right here he goes oh yeah well i didn't see it when i had to take a fucking piss down there what and i'm just two things one i'm standing in this man's urine two of this man urinated in front of his family like if you have to go that bed go back up the stairs and pissing the out like the hallway come along avanka and dan jr we're leaving jumanji was fucking terrible but i look at this look it's an emergency situation just cover your eyes cover your eyes It's going to push.

It's getting all over us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an emergency. It's an emergency. Don't look at it, Marion. Don't look at it. Dad, the smell. Oh.

Euse. Is it asparagus tonight? I had, God. Don't say anything, you know, because this is illegal binding. This was bad for me. Because it wasn't while I was working at the theater.

It was just, I went to cross gates and I went to see. It's a different mall than what we worked at. It was going to say. You got to inform. people here um and i went to see the piece of shit rumor has it oh that movie but it was a late late showing i don't even know why i saw the piece of shit james cordon was there maybe no it was only like there were two people who are of note like two rows back from me oh and then there were like a family

down at the at the bottom movie starts i you know i'm barely paying attention and then like i start hearing a noise and i don't know what it's just kind of like a ruffling and like uh lighter though like also like rummaging oh i can't find it i can't find it well well you make the joke oh no but like it's going like it so i i start hearing this and like this is going on for three minutes uh-huh three horny minutes wow little rich boy over here three minutes and then and then very lightly i hear like back there like are you close are you close and now but here's here's the thing

it goes on for another like eight minutes and then like it just stops i didn't hear anything i didn't hear like uh i didn't hear any of that nobody left no that'd be great of one person love nobody came oh well well done okay yeah i'd teens out there if you're looking for a great high school job, man, working at a movie theater, ain't too shabby.

First of all, and you shouldn't listen to this until you're at least 18 years of age. That's true. And if you get parental, parental permission. Thank you. I was going to say parental position, and I'm like, and you're Brenda, you know, hit me up on Twitter, you know. DM me on Twitter, Brenna, 13 months. It's fine. No, don't. And yes, they're open.

My DMs are wide open. For you. No. All right. Next one. I like the title of this email. And it kind of gives it away.

Robocop 2 foot fetish nightmare, which actually sounds like a real. Your first mixtape? I just, I just. Drop it, creep. Put the foot down. Put the pumps down, dirtbag. What are those? Hey, guys.

I've been listening to the show for about two years now. But I've been on the fence about emailing because I know you guys get a lot of terrible date stories already, but this one is so weird that I thought, what the hell? It happened about a year and a half ago during my junior year of college. I started to hang out with a guy that I met through one of my classes. He was a bit weird and socially awkward, but we had similar interests, and he seemed nice enough. So I considered him a good acquaintance slash casual friend. I knew he had a crush on me, but he handled it pretty well when I told him I wasn't interested in being anything other than friends. so no alarm bells there yet cut to a couple months into into into us knowing each other

he invites me to his house to hang out and watch a movie uh oh we settle on robocop two since we both like the 80s we both like 80s action movies and i had never seen and i've only ever seen the first one well you gotta get to little mafia kid i you know some people are like trashing robocop too now it's like no it's a good movie i remember liking it anyway. Do you remember that we watched all those movies back to back to back in the story once? That makes total sense. I don't remember it at all,

but it makes total sense. It was a knight. That's Ervin Kershner again. It was. And that RJB in the third one, right? Robert John Burke. Oh, right. Playing Murphy, me. I saw a little bit of that the other day. They're all states, you. Not the first one, obviously.

Yeah. But above is still in Rogoboda. At first, everything was fairly normal. My friend was a bit sweaty and nervous, but I, but I attributed that to anxiety about having a girl who liked over his house for the first time. Then about 30 minutes into the movie, I made the fatal mistake of taking off my rather uncomfortable shoes and resting my bare feet on his couch. Oh, she's fucking showing me something. I noticed him shooting several lingering glances at my feet and slowly enter closer to me on the couch. couch.

Oh, no. Kind of weird, but I was being an oblivious dumbass and dismissed it. Shortly after that, he turned to me and said, you know, you really shouldn't show off your bare feet like that. I kind of have a foot fetter. You fucking loser. I am sorry. You know, we'll get to.

It's okay to have a fetish. Of course. But it is not okay to fucking soapbox. I agree. I agree. We're going to get to all. We're going to have a full conversation. You don't do it again just because it's so funny.

You know, you really shouldn't show off your bare feet like that. I kind of have a foot fetish. He said rubbing his crotch. He must have noticed the look of horror because he then tried to laugh off the comet while I stuttered something along the lines of, uh, okay. And we both awkwardly went back to watching the movie.

However, I had a really time concentrating on the film because I was suddenly keenly aware of the fact that I was alone in this strange man's house and I had spent the remaining hour and a half trying not to imagine all the horrible things this creep was planning to do to me and my feet. I am the Red Dragon. The second of the credits rolled,

I made up some bullshit excuse about having to leave and practically ran out to my car. The guy later apologized to me, but obviously I never hung out with him again after that. I spent the entire semester taking the maintenance stairway to the class we had together so I wouldn't have to run into him along the way. And wearing thick winter boots in the spring months.

To this day, I really can't recall anything that happens in Robocop 2, which brings me to my question, have you ever guys had such a bad movie experience that you feared for your physical safety and or your feet safety? The answer is no, because we're men in society, doesn't fuck us over in that way. Thanks for the great show. Name withheld from Texas. All right. Well, yeah, that's a good point, Steve, because, like, we have some something.

person's house. It's like, you know, whatever. Women have to fear for their lives. Fear for their fucking feet every goddamn day. That's true. First of all, name withheld, and I appreciate that. She had wrote a special note, like, I'm just afraid this guy might listen to your show and I don't want to, you know, blow up his spot. Like, he knows who he is. If you listen to the show, it's not going to be like, oh, well, it's just some other guy.

It doesn't say her name is Rebecca, so that can't be me. Should have withheld the title of the movie you watched. Exactly. Robocop 2 is the thing. And I mean, look, as I are accepting. it's totally fine to have a foot fetish. It's totally fine to have any fetish. But it shouldn't be anybody else's problem. Yeah, don't piss in front of your family.

Just like, well, excuse me, lady, could you not? I got a foot fetish over here. Like, what is that? I feel like he's ennapted. He made a bold move. Oh, I see what's good. I think that was like the icebreaker. All right.

All right, Jerry. Here's how you're going to win her over. In three seconds exactly, you're going to scream in her face that she shouldn't be barefoot in front of you because you have the foot fetish. Tell her that her comfort is victimizing you. That'll do it. Just passive aggressively get up and throw a ball of socks at her. Maybe it's a delivery problem.

Maybe he was trying to do something like, well, you know, you really shouldn't. You are witness to a great becoming. You shouldn't put your leg up there because I, you know, I've quite a bit of a foot fetish. What is that going to work, man? I just tried it on Chris Gabbin, and it didn't work. It didn't work. You're right, it's not going to work. I am dangling, though.

You don't even know it. Don't even know it. Ease into feed. Don't start with feet. Get the girl, get the feet. It's just not the way to do that, man. Could you not smoke near me, Miss? I have a smoking fetish, and I'm rock hard right now.

Thank you so much. Thanks, miss. This is a great point, Steve. Great point. We're an Applebeast. Could you not eat right now? Because I like to fuck when I eat and eat when I fuck.

I got a sick riblet fetish and you are making me so hard right now with that fucking basket of riblets. Riblets. Miss, could you not be 5-Eleven because that's my fetish height. Goodbye. Thanks for nothing. Go to work tomorrow.

And if there's someone else in the bathroom, just turn to them and be like, could you not go to the bathroom right now? I have a bathroom fetish. You know, miss, could you? actually never mind problem solved you know this the the question here that she ends on uh do you ever have a bad movie experience you feel for your physical safety i did have

that happen really you shouldn't have your shoes off i know it's my own fault uh me and my hobbit feet were asking for it no i was at a theater with a good friend of ours and we were seeing the fifth harry potter movie uh on the upper east side and these dudes behind is a couple of rowdy teens at the time have i yeah there were were like talking and this dude that I'm with turns around and just goes shut the fuck up like really loudly and I was like

oh and they immediately were like we're going to kick your fucking ass when we get outside and just this was like 15 minutes and it's his long ass Harry Potter movie so the whole time I'm just slouched down listening to these dudes like get that big pipe it

motherfucker from the Bronx that you know tell them to come down here right now could you not uh I haven't I have an abuse fetish, and, yeah, you threatened to fight me and getting me fucking really worked up. That would have been a good defense. Oh, yeah, exactly. Eric, those old people that you got to fight,

excuse me, I have a popcorn fetish. Could you not eat it so loudly? I should have told them, excuse me, because you not talk to me. I have an elderly fetter. Oh, man. Actually, maybe we could take this to your rent-stabilized department later. Oh, dude, it's like age-capped love. You're a granny shacker.

I'm going to get grandpa, too, man. I'm going to fucking double-team them all. Lady, gent, would you like to join me with some matzabal suit? Oh, I've laid out on my bed a bunch of five-year-old newspapers I've never read. And yes, all these tote bags are from NPR. And yes, we have the matlock theme going off on Spotify. It's ready to get you going on. Excuse me, Ms.

Could you raise your voice, have an ASMR fetish? Thank you. Your voice is far too whispery and sexy. Fucking men are terrible, man. They're the worst. Yeah.

Speaking of which, they're one of the worst men of all time in this last letter, Steve, or who's doing? Chris Cabin, take us home. I can embarrass a child, Mark. Yeah, it is. Hey, W.HM.

You made a request in the last mailbag for tales of adults, embarrassing kids. And although I think you meant to hear them from the embarrassers, I beg your indulgence. All right. Go ahead. In 1994, my parents and a couple that they were friends with took me and the couple's son, Chris,

around my age to see W.HM anti-hero Gallagher-Galliger at the Frays Pavilion in Dayton, Ohio. Oh, nice venue. You don't know that. You don't know that, Mark. Could you not talk about venues? You don't know. I've got a fetish. Yeah, could you not?

Could you not talk about watermelons, Mark? Got a fucking unknown venue finish. Although I was in seventh grade, I'd seen one or two of Gallagher's specials at the time as they were in rotation on HBO. Excuse me, sir. Could you not be a 50-year-old man wearing a newsboy hat? I've got a fetish.

Thanks. Thanks. I heard a guy who it is, got a Gallagher fetish. Chris Flatt. Chris just powers me. Sorry, sorry. And I thought the guy was a real talent. I think goofy manchild plays to the early teen audience.

Yes, yes. Look at this show. At some point in the set, he made his way through the audience searching out a candidate to join him on stage. Oh, no. Like hunters who realize there's no more dangerous game left except people. Prop comics surely must eventually seek out. human props. He stopped at Chris and Chris agreed as long as he could drag me up there too.

Yeah, get your little buddy up here. What a coward. Yeah, you can both come up here. Oh, man. From what I recall, we participated in a few different activities on stage. First, he asked us our names. Gallagher declared Chris to have a nice manly name. Okay.

Oh, man. One his father surely must have picked. Oh, dear. Okay, when he... Toxic watermelon... Masculinity, yeah. Water masculineity? Yes.

Where he asked my name, when he asked my name, I meekly replied, Sean. He said that Sean is a girly name, and my mom must have picked it. Cut to some fucking big, fucking fat here. Yeah, exactly. Slap at his rain slicker against his hand. It's a dude-loving Gallagher's material. A howling fan.

I thought I walked into the middle of Tusk. Tusk would be out of Gallagher's. He said that Sean is a girl name and my mom asked him to pick up. He then asked what my middle name was and I said, Edward, Gallagher shouted, Ed. That's a man's name. Surely I've never met any gay men named Ed. Never happens.

He then grabbed a foam frisbee. My gay jokes are killing me. tonight at the Fray's Pavilion. Yeah, it's a bunch of gay jokes leading up to a watermelon destruction. It's just all it is. I'm just going to masculate these children a little bit. First things first. He then grabbed a foam frisbee soaked in water and slapped me

over the head with it. Oh, this is just hilarious. While shrieking, I christen you, Ed, Mark. Laughter from the audience But just sand people in the audience Tuscan Raiders, please He also had a cylindrical container filled with marbles that he sat on And spun around like a top

Want to guess where these marbles have been? I don't know how I got these marbles, Mark. I guess he had some kind of gizmo in the seat of his pants that allowed him to not sink into the marbles. Jesus, was he pee-wee? Yeah, what are you, a bunch of... All these queerbos with names like Sean.

Now watch we sit on a bunch of marbles and spin around. That's what men do. I'm Gallagher, could you not do that? The sound of marbles makes me erect. Yeah. Me and my son have marble fetishes. And I, in the back, have a scrawny-ass fetish. Oh god

So laughter from the audience Yeah, of course Her, her, her Finally, having sated himself With our embarrassment And come in his pants at this point Of course, his attention turned Toward his hammer

Uh-oh Char, Denmark Our last task was to bring up various dishes of food For him to smash in our faces What? This is a dream come true By the end, we were covered in cranberries and watermelon. Laughter from ponchoed audience.

I'm dry. After his set, Gallagher just exited the stage, leaving us there. Like, Hammy kids, we bowed to the audience. Are you kidding me? This is the fucking finale? All in all, I actually enjoyed this strange experience. Our parents were pissed that they had to fight through a crowd to come find us after being abandoned by the headliner. The story ends with more surprising shame.

A local bully at school had been in attendance at the show with his folks. I love the local bully. That is so great. Not an out-of-town bully. No, no. Local boy. We import our bullies. The most, the finest international bullies.

This one's from Ukraine. He just knocks everybody the fuck out. He made fun of me for my poor butt rolling. Reference to the Marble Challenge. and punched me in the face come on this wasn't my first altercation with said bully and I think I was mostly shocked

at the avenue this latest torment had come from of all the people to see me at Gallagher that night thank you for all the hard work on the podcast I am sad every time you pick TOS over TNG but I love you anyway Sean well Sean you're wrong

sorry yes um oh that That's terrible. The bully angle is the worst part of that story. It's a rough one. I want to, this is all a big fucking, this is a Stockton to Malone set up for Chris Cabin because he's been sitting on the story for a while. My dad was a Gallagher head. What?

I can't really, I mean, Andrew will get the most humor out of this because he knows what my father looks like. Just like a stuffed shirt. I've seen him. This is a big foot signing. Just because it was rare and exciting. I saw Will Cabin in the woods last night. And he, every time, every time he came to Proctor's,

he'd come to Procters pretty often, as I remember. Proctor's in Schenectady, New York. Could you not mention that venue? I haven't been there and I have a fetish. Oh, yeah, I have a fetish for unknown venues. Oh, there's another one. And it sounds like a good room. Thank God they're talking about

the garden. So something to, the pin of the whole thing is like, I saw him like four or five times. Four, you've been sitting, we've been doing Gallagher impressions for years. Literally years. I don't need the attention, Steve.

Oh, wow. So, one thing, but, so for most of those, for like three, yeah, about three out of the five, we had ponchos. Oh, you had poncho tickets. Oh, you had poncho tickets.

Oh, nice. The fourth one, the poncho tickets sold out before he could get him, and he was genuinely angry for about a week, like storming around that. And my dad doesn't really get angry. He's very quiet guy. But he was like visible, like, and it was, he kind of threw it at my mom a little bit. Really? Oh, my Lord.

Because she hadn't been keeping up with it. Oh, I see. I asked you to follow the Gallagher tour schedule in the paper. He just brought his own watermelon juice or something. But I have never in my life, on my graduation day, never seen him as happy as after a Gallagher show. Never in my full of fucking watermelon juice coming down his bald head. Were you ever taken up on stage or anything? No, I was not.

Although I was. I was taken on stage for a live double there. A live double there. What's this rich boy? That might be a story for another day. Sounds like a good, good one. I just love the, oh, you know, you know, we had, now we just have these rotten tickets. Why bother going?

If I'm not going to go to a comedy show and get fruit pulp on my face, why go? My question is, because there's probably a bunch of people who are behind the splash zone that, like, wear the ponchos anyway, just to like try and sniff it a little bit. That's sad. Or just to like, you know, be safe. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Or you're out of the splash zone. But you're still close.

Sure. You know, if the G man got a good swing on it that night, you know what I mean? Oh, he's been working out. Oh, he's starting to look like carrot top. Well, you know, carrot top really should smash a watermelon one of these days. It would be fucking tremendous. They should fight each other. You know, they're both around Vegas a lot.

To the death. I like that. I would buy tickets, a splatter zone for Gallagher v. Carrotop to the death. I think isn't that an episode of Celebrity Death Match? Oh, I bet it is. It's probably exactly that. I can write Celebrity Death Match, Mark.

I went to a live Celebrity Death Match once. That's WHM Mailbag for the month of March. If you want your stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the gang here. Could you not wrap up the show? I have a wrap-up-the-show fetish. Oh, get ready to go. Could you not, sir?

I hope you're wearing a diaper. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew. That's Stephen said. Oh, God, it's everywhere. Chris Cap. Eric, Cesska. Take it easy.

Jesus.