We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Bad Behavior on Date Night, Disgusting Water Parks, Laughing at Herzog Films, and Movie Theater Human Rights Violations

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

On the final Mail Bag episode of the season, the gang reads letters about guys jumping into movie riffing a little too early, disgusting water parks, laughing at a Werner Herzog movie right in front of the Master, one guy inappropriately flipping out a projector malfunction, and much, much more! PLUS: Welcome to the SPLISH SPLOSH! WHM Mail Bag is going on hiatus until September, so get your letters ready for the fall! Until then, this mail bag is closed! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHAM mailbag, loyal WHM listeners, and thank you for tuning into what will be the final mailbag of WHM season 8. Oh my God. There will be no mailbag in August. There will be episodes and things to look forward to. Yeah, we're going to be now here because this is probably...

Let's talk about it, Steve, fuck it. This is probably coming out late in the July. month, which means in August we're going to do four live episodes, release four live episodes. People have been screaming for the emoji movie. I don't know, like, every day I wake up to five

tweets about like, when will I listen to the emoji movie? Maybe you should have bought a ticket for it then, huh? I mean, try that first of all. Why don't you fly to New York City? Where? You really want an emoji movie. And more importantly, there is a weak spot for Eric. There is fucking amazing content

coming out on a Patreon. fucking amazing. Right. Because why don't we just say what episode? It's going to be Jason takes Manhattan. Jason takes Manhattan.

Oh now that's Friday the 13th Part 8 colon. Jason takes Manhattan. Colin Jason takes Manhattan is one of the most requested movies we've had over the years. So requested. We did this as a commentary a few years back at the Burns.

We did live commentary for my Halloween marathon. Here's the thing. We never record those commentaries because it makes zero sense to do so. Those are in the moment watching the movie thing. It's new to me. Yes. That will be an in-studio episode on Patreon in the month of August.

The rest of August will be live episodes. And the tie-in there is Jason X, which we recorded in Chicago. Just last weekend. And also, just as an FYI, if you sign up for our $5 two, you'll also get America's Sweethearts, Man of Steel, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance, Bright, and Jungle to Jungle. And I'm sure I'm forgetting at least one. Transcendance. Transcendant is an amazing. There's too many episodes to name.

If you are like, oh man, I wish, you know, this We Hate Movie's Summer Lull, there's no Summer Lull, sign up for Patreon, get on that shit. And also we're doing an animation. The live episodes are good too. Yes, and we're doing an animation damnation, and we're doing a Nexus. So it's going to be great. And also, the Twilight Mentary will be coming out in July, which is a drunk power hour commentary about the movie Eclipse, or is it?

Twilight Saga, Call it? And it's scandalous because we get, we get shit-faced. I'm sorry, Steve, for you. It would be Twilight 3. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's right. I was kind of disappointed. Have you ever passed that legislation?

I was going to say, it was disappointed. You said, Jason Takes Manhattan didn't know the number. Oh, you? Well, because everything has failed to me. Right. I mean, wait, does five really count? And you know, you know what I mean? It's got to count.

I guess. It's got a count, man. It's, you know, it's, right. It's not Jason. It's Roy one. Thank you. Friday of 13th, 5, Roy won. All right.

All right. I'll accept that. Roy rises. All right. So let's get into it. We got some letters here for the last time in season eight. Steve Sadek, start us off. Dear WHM, and he spells out Chris Steve, or they spell out, Chris, Steve, Eric, and Andrew.

That's right. Oh, wow. Great. Great detail. I wanted to send in an email telling you about a date I had and almost screwed up indefinitely. I had met this girl online. And I had asked her out for a second date. When I asked her what she wanted to do for the next one,

she suggested she plan it as my birthday was coming. That's a lot of pressure for a second date. Holy shit. Birthday dates. Plan my birthday. I don't need that. I don't even know your middle day. You should not start dating someone around a holiday or around your birthday.

Or around high school graduation. Fuck that. Did you have a problem with them? No, that's just like stupid to do. Unless you can agree up front This is like a two and a half month thing And you want to be like You want to like meet somebody on February 1st

And be like hey you want to go to date on February 7th Because you know fucking Valentine's Day is right around the corner Now we're in this awkward situation That's exactly what my wife and I wound up doing Well that was wrong That's yeah early Early Feb right was the first date Then it was like

Like Valentine's Day turned out We were cool just hanging in I made some food We watched a movie That's a good idea. I was going to say, oh, scandalous, you have to buy a rose. No, but it's, it's just awkward. It's a little awkward, man.

When I asked her, she told me, she wanted to tap into my love of movies and tap it that, yeah. And then she wanted to show me one of her favorites. My skin's already crawling. I can't wait. I haven't read this. I haven't read any of these, so I'm like, I'm just nervous. Please. The date night began.

We call it date nights. There are nights, there are a date night. She doesn't die at this point. part right now, all right? Okay. She had me come into her home, which is a weird way to say that. She invited me to her house.

Wait, she opens the door and you just come into the hallway? Like what? Well, it's written by a vampire. She had to be coming to her. This makes a lot more sense. I needed to be asked permission to cross the threshold. She had me come into her home. She had bought me one of my favorite.

treats, Amaretto ice cream, all right, and had me sit down and the living room to watch Nerve from 2016, which I've never seen. I neither have I. Oh, I know exactly what this movie is. This looked like stupid city. It looked pretty stupid. I haven't watched it. Oh, no.

Okay, she does a favorite treat, but not favorite movie. Okay, thank God. I was living in, I was living next to the cinema for the last few years and I never heard of this movie. Ah, ah, ah. It stars Evan Lump. And the Dave of Frank. It stars Emma Roberts and Dave Franco, two of my least favorite actors.

I figured it was a bad movie and that she wanted me to watch it with me to make fun of it based on prior discussions we had. We watched the movie and going in vogue with what I felt, I tore in the film a new one. I was merciless and poked fun at every bad shot line and choices of made. In the last 20 minutes, however, she stopped laughing with me. I was confused and alarmed. At the end of the film, she told me that she really happens

to really like that movie and she thought it was genuinely good. I felt horrible for what I had done. Oh, wait, so this guy's making fun of it during the movie? Yeah. She's like, hey, let's watch this movie together. Right.

And he's making fun of it the entire time, but it was actually one of a movie she likes. Yeah, that's a boner move, man. You got to feel the room here. Yeah. Feel the room. Well, we'll read it first. We've already come into her home.

I guess that's true. Comes on the floor, feel whatever you want. As long as it doesn't have garlic near it. Thinking quickly, I remember the mantra of the WHM boys and that Eric always says it's okay to like a movie. So the next 30 minutes we're spent explaining what that means and that it's okay to have different opinions. 30 minutes.

I just explained what that meant for 30 minutes. He's got like the Seinfeld diorama go and he's got the peanut M&M. I think I should be the peanut. I also profusely apologized for making fun of a film she loved. The date ended and now I am engaged

to wed her. Wow. Look at this. All because of you, Eric. A bride of Dracula. What a line that came out of my mouth has now

produced a union. this gives me types of powers guys okay does it yeah like metaphysical supernatural yeah yeah like whatever this kid ends up being uh-huh what kid if they have a child listener listener listener thank you for saying that curse because if now if you have a child that child's soul will be my servant in hell oh i see in the eyes of the goat god do me a favor gentle listener writing in don't have children have 12 vampire have 12 have 12 have 12 Thanks a bunch, WHM. Do you guys have a time

where you screwed up a date and managed to bail it out with warmest appreciation, Parker and Amber from Crazy Mormon Land, Utah? Oh. Have we ever screwed up a date? I'm sure that I have. No, like all of them.

Yeah. I don't think I've ever bailed it out successfully. I'm not a good date. I did the thing one time with my high school girlfriend where I was like, I still am a fucking horrendous nerd. and all we ever did was go to the movies

because I could get in for free and you're fucking poor teenager so I was like let's do it and it was like oh we're gonna go see K-Pax and I was like we are seeing K-Pax The Widowmaker Yes the exact same

Wait and that's K-19 And so we went to see this movie And we're like waiting online And she was like You don't really want to see KPEX do you I just found out a friend of mine This was like you know the early 2000s She's like boop up

I have a text message on my cellular telephone. My friends, like, having a party or something. Like, let's go to that. Fuck K-Pax. And I was like, no, we're seeing K-Pax. I was like, well, we made plans to see K-Pax. And I'm really, I'm trying to get better at this, but I'm really horrible still to this day with, like, where plans change.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mentally, like, I just have a weird roadbook. I kind of need to know what's going on three days in advance. So I refused. And she went to this party, and I saw K-Pax by myself. Wow. That's amazing. fucking terribly shitty. I will tell you a time

that at least you, Andrew, and more than likely you, Chris, ruined a date. Oh, I remember this exactly. I think I know exactly what he's about to say. It was the second date. The first date went well with this girl in college, blah, blah, blah. And we go on a second date, we're having fun. She kind of drags me to an a cappella show, but it was fine, and it was like, this isn't so great. This is exactly what I thought it was.

And it's sort of, it's the early 2000s. here it's like 2004-ish or something like that and she's like well what do you want to do next and i was like oh you know my my buddies are in the city too let me see what they're up to so i text i think probably andrew and he's like oh we're at our buddy's house why don't you come on by we're going to go to a party and i'm like parties unlike Andrew i'm not going to go see kpacks by myself parties are great social lubricate well go you know what i mean it takes the edge off there's a lot of people she could talk to and i think there was mutual friends involved as well so it's like This is perfect.

We go and we go up to my friend's apartment and these guys are fucking drunk. Well, yeah. A, they're fucking drunk. They're telling a story about being drunk in a sushi restaurant and getting thrown out of a sushi restaurant. And third of all, they're watching jackass and being like, hey man, like Jackass the TV show. Oh, sure. And she's like, oh, I love Jackass. And he was like, tell him him again, about how you got kicked out of the sushi restaurant.

Tell him again. And it's just like, I think I'm going to leave now. And pretty quickly left that little party. By the way, I think this was the same night. We got thrown out of that restaurant. One for being pretty loud, but also because on a dare. Because you liked K-Pax. It was like a $5 bet.

Sure. I drank a thing of like soy sauce and like wasabi, but it was like more wasabi than that. soy sauce and I vomited in the restaurant in the bathroom, but it was still like loud and gross. This is the story that she heard. Wait, wait, don't leave, listener.

It's rude. Finish the story. It's rude. Excuse me, he's telling the story. Hey, I don't know if you know this or not, but if you shut the fuck up, it's about to get really fucking funny in here in about two minutes. All right, I got to hear how this ends. No, that was

it. We were just, we were at us to leave. It was one of those, like, you were they didn't card or like you could show them your bad fake ID yeah because we're like 2021 yeah and they brought you like a huge beer so we were just shit face and we were like slam the table

shit face kind of a thing you were still slam the table shit face when I met you and it was like a tiny restaurant the West Village shoe I'm offended I wasn't at this one I've ruined other romantic interactions you have very true oh that's very true yes

Another story for another day. That's right. Chris Cabin. Let's go to the next one. All right. My gross, slightly funny theme park story. I like that they tamper expectations in the subject line. It's just a slightly funny story. All right, this might be shitty. Hey, guys. Hey, how are you?

How are you doing? We're going to be in the gym at the showers. Your last mailbag discussion about scary and or funny things that have to you in theme parks sparked a memory in the back of my mind. Uh-oh. I was 14 and on vacation by the English coast with my dad, my stepmom. I know where this is going. Abducted by aliens.

Yep. And my best friend Kaylee, or Kayla, I don't know. Doesn't matter. No doubt, looking to get away from two pubescentryking girls, my dad dropped us off one day at a nearby theme park. Oh, dude.

All alone. Yeah, then he went to the tavern to have some warm beers. Yeah, man. Sounds like a good day. It does sound like a good day. This wasn't a cool theme park with loads of gnarly roller coasters, though. This was Flamingo Land. John Waters Abusement Park.

Everyone eats shit. Yes. That's awesome. The film Pinkland? It's in North Yorkshire. It features such exhilarating rides as the end. HMS Bouncy. What? A pirate-themed

soft playroom. I also would like to imagine that's like a large breasted prostitute. A soft playroom isn't a great way to say it. Welcome to the HMS Bounty boys. Well, no, I just more imagine it as like, hello, mom, you like to

go into the HMS Bouncy with me. You love to do it. Hello, welcome to my soft playroom. It's a soft playroom for now, It doesn't have to stay that way, you know what I'm saying? This soft playroom could get hard in any second, mom. Hard play's extra.

Oh, fuck. You ain't leaving your kids here, are you? Oh, no. Well, this is going to make it worse. The greatest sex tour is your place in the world, Flamingo Ledge. Good gravy. And other rides like the gross sounding splish splosh. Oh, dude.

Oh, God. You know what? Play ride. You didn't even have to say it. Everyone knew it fits into this weird British sex park. Me and Kaylee could barely contain our excitement at our new found independence. This was 2007. Jesus. So, of course, I was wearing bright red skinny jeans.

We were hot shit. Sounds like it. That seems like it. We made our way over to the log flume. I love a good log flume, man. Game of the log flume. Flub I did. It's in normal non-pervert amusement

bars. It's where you like sit in a little like log sort of boat. You put it in the tunnel of love there, don't you love? Tunnel of love is a different ride entirely. You put my log flub in it. And you like, you know, you make you way

to the top of a thing and then it drops down. Okay. And you get a little bit of splash, depending on where you're sitting. Yeah, splish-splush. Uh-huh. Just came back from the splish splosh. Exactly.

I lost another one. I wanted to just splish bros. And while we were queuing and chatting and being obnoxious teenagers, we noticed a man in the queue behind us. Uh-oh. It didn't seem like you

was waiting with anyone else. But it's not legal to write a log flume on your own. It should be. It should be. It really should be. That's the thing. No solo amusement park.

That's also, if I can't get into a gosh darn chunky cheese by myself. What? Chucky cheese is the word. What did I say Chunky Cheez? That's what it is across the pond. Oh, welcome back to Chunky Cheese.

It's your Chunky Cheese. You can't bring, you can't go into a Chucky Cheese restaurant for a good reason. Charles Entertainment Cheez's proprietary location. Unless you have a kid with you that's actually going to play on the rides. It's like a swingers party, dude. He's like, no, no, no. No singles. Yeah.

You better bring someone with. it's just disgusting you shouldn't be able to go to a goddamn fucking juicy amusement park without kids I just like your pizza come on just let me come in I just like going on log flubes getting a little wet

just a little wet though not a lot wet it's a lot should I keep going Eric please continue we have destroyed this story as you reached as you reached the top of the staircase leading to the top of the flume

you were split into groups of twos and threes and assigned a lot Oh, dude, I hate being in a group, like, going on a ride and then, like, you get the other guy or the other lady or whatever the situation. I didn't come to the park with you, freak. Freak. Whatever weirdos. What are you a bully in an X-Men movie? Yep.

Totally. There's a senator in an X-Men movie. As me and Kaylee started to walk over, I heard an attendant call to me, wait for your dad. Uh-oh. I turned and looked and it was the middle-aged man. He raised his eyebrows and grinned and took off his leather jacket, revealing his bare chest. You buried the league.

Is this dancing? Oh, yeah, leather jacket to a water park. Mother. Tell your children not to go down my slide. He's got no shirt on under it. Yeah, man. I don't know if you're, yeah, that should be illegal. Speaking of Willem Defoe and Wild at Heart,

in a Wild at Heart, and suits of fire. I think in both. Oh, really? Speaking of Will Defoe, which we did on the episode we recorded, that no one knows what we're talking about. Yeah, totally. Totally. Sorry.

Too stupefied to say anything. Me and Kaylee climbed into the log with the now shirtless man and rode the ride. Oh, fuck. At the bottom, soaked and terrified, we bolted from the flumen, ran straight to the cask, where they were selling photos taking mid-ride. Oh, shit.

We told the woman behind the counter what had happened, She went off and radioed someone and promised she would make sure the man was kicked out of the park. You know what? I hope she followed up with that because you got to make sure they actually do it. I don't think they did. No, it's like, oh, we'll right on that. Oh, yeah, we'll do that. For some bizarre reason, though, as an apology, I was given a single souvenir of frigid magnet

featuring me and Kaylee, plumbing down the flume looking perplexed with the smirking shirtless man behind us. Oh, no! That's a terrible apology. I have no idea why they thought that was adequate compensation but because they're just a bunch of carnies working to log flu. Yeah.

And looking, but looking back now, it's absolutely fucking hilarious. Unfortunately, I lost the legendary magnet during the... Oh, no. A move a couple of years ago. Oh, that stinks. Oh, R-P-D. But every time... It's still out there somewhere.

Somewhere. On someone's fridge, haunting them. Some garbage. But every time I see a goddamn flamingo, think of shirtless smirking log flume guy. I hope you enjoyed my story and that you don't have any relatable anecdotes yourselves, May.

I do. Oh, good. It didn't happen to me, but I have an anecdote. I will not use any names whatsoever. It's about your friend Randrew. We were... Oh, that Rand Paul's full name? Andrew Paul.

Beat up by neighbor. Randrew Cletus Paul. We were in the great city of Montreal one time. We were exactly 18 years old. All legally able to log flume. That's right. You can legally flume and you could legally drink in public,

right? Sure. So what sushi restaurant did you take that? We went to Montreal because, like, being from upstate New York, the cool thing is, like, when you turn 18, you can drive, it's a three hour drive to Montreal, you can drink. It's great. Parenthetically, was this

the trip where I fell asleep on the bank steps? Absolutely. It was No, it was an ATM vestibule, and we left you there and didn't notice you were missing. We went to, like, some bar or club or something like that. Sure. And there was, like, a packed dance floor. Everybody's dancing and having a great time. And a friend of mine comes up, and she's like, we got to get out of here.

This dude's trying to dance with me. And everybody was like, all right, well, yeah, like, he's being a creep, I guess, like, trying to dance with you. Like, let's get out of here or whatever. and then like we're 18 so we're wasted and like everybody like forgets immediately that this was just asked and goes back to like getting huge Canadian mugs of beer and dancing and whatever else and then she comes back and she's she just goes we really need to leave this guy's poking me with his boner and so here's this fucking scumbag like dancing at this club like dancing on an 18 year old girl about a month later we get the photo of back because this is like the early 2000s. We're still using like disposable cameras and whatnot. Sure. There was photographic evidence of

who we then deemed from that moment on, the Montreal bald guy. Oh, no, he's a creep. I've seen this picture. He's a creep. The Montreal bald guy is one of the creepiest fucking photographs. Dude, forget Slender Man. Forget your Texas chainsaws. Robert

Blaken lost highway. Forget it all. Dude, the Montreal bald guy. I can only assume you sent them directly to the Mounties afterwards. So they may collect their bounty. The bar was like, we're so sorry about this. Here's a picture of you with the Montreal bald guy. Has a band.

To say sorry. Yeah, no, he's insane. We got it framed. That guy was a total scumbag. That's great. Yeah, no, I don't have anything to top that. I do remember that picture, though, because he does, he has this look on his face.

Yes. Knowing someone's taking a picture. Yep. And he's trying to both smile and also realize that he's been, oh, fuck, I've been caught. He's totally caught. He's like, fuck, I work for a bank. It's a leery smile.

He's very lucky this is not in the modern social media era. Exactly. He just fucking missed it. I think that picture made it to MySpace at some point. The Montreal Ball Guy Photograph. It made it all the way to Facebook. Oh, wow. Congratulations.

But I think it's kind of been, it's been scrubbed. Yeah. Lost to the Sands of Time. Eric Siski, you want to go ahead with the next piece of correspondence here? All right, the subject line is choose life, choose being an asshole. I relate to this. Hey, lads, I, that makes me think we're dealing with another UK. Nice, I like that.

But that's just an assumption. We'll get there someday. I think it's Irish. Oh. I have loved the show ever since I started listening last year, and some of my favorite episodes have been mailbags. So I thought I would write in with a story of my most insane cinema experience of my life. Wow.

It was two years ago when I went to my... my local theater to see train spotting too. Still never saw it. Never good. I heard good things. And I love that verse movie. Me too. I just never.

I was just like, this doesn't need a sequel. Exactly. I mean, yeah. The theater was not too full and being one of the youths you have often given out about,

I went straight for the back row. I don't know. I think I need a map for that sentence. I think the idea, no, I don't know. We're constantly complaining about youths and theaters. Gotcha.

oh yes okay yes yes yes the film started fine enough however after around five minutes the screen went blank and the lights came on immediately a young usher came in and said that there was a slight problem but the movie would restart shortly like most in the theater i simply accepted this and took out my phone to pass a few minutes nice after only around a minute of waiting i noticed that a man a few rows down get up from his seat and angrily walk out of the theater. He returned shortly with the same young usher

and tone began loudly asking him why the film wasn't playing. Jesus, what a fucking sack of dicks. The usher explained that there was a small sack of dicks. There was a small issue with the projector but that it was easily fixable. This wasn't good enough for the man

who loudly exclaimed, this is ridiculous. Oh boy. We're right here. We're here to start. The movie won't start. We won't accept us. We won't accept this.

Don't drag the rest of the theater into your freak out, pal. And then turned towards the rest of the audience and said, right? He was met with silence. That's why you don't try to get an entire room to turn on a brown. Exactly. The usher took a second and said, I'll go check the projector and walked out. It was only a few more seconds until the movie began playing again.

However, this time, the movie was playing with no sound. Oh, no. Uh-oh. No sound. You can't hear that killer Iggy Pop song, man. The same man jumped up from his screen and screamed. Oh, what the fuck? And it's getting stormed out of the theater.

He returned with the same usher and began berating him. Why does this keep coming back in? Why is he pulling him in? Do it out in the hallway. Tell this guy to go fuck himself and you're not going to do his bidding. And again, okay. And the sound kicked in and the man was told to sit down to fuck by another member of the audience. I guess that is a common...

To fuck? Isn't that Worf's brother? Oh, yes. To fuck, of course. Also adopted. Also a disgraced cling on war. Did he stay on the farm? Ah, to fuck.

My brother to fuck. Oh my God. Is he fucking his brother? the movie Hey Warf Can I reach your brother It's me Quawk

It's T-apostrophe fuck By the way When we're talking about Space beings In a science fiction show They can fuck each other So The movie

Played perfectly From from there And all in all There was only around Four or five minutes Of interruption Throughout the whole thing As the film ended

I made my way downstairs Towards the exit And as I did I passed the man he sat there staring at the screen as a woman where I can only assume was his wife was holding his arms saying please just let it go oh my god the man replied no I have rights oh man this is a fucking Brexit got started yes exactly from from there is Boris Johnson from there I went to the bathroom and while I will spare you the pissy shitty details They often clog up the mailbag.

Thank you. Thank you. Moving on. I will say that as I came out, I heard, what the fuck do you mean? You won't give me a free ticket. Oh. I knew I was in for a show. In the main lobby, the man was stood at the customer service desk

and screaming at a poor teenage girl, who I'm sure was not getting paired nearly enough to put up with this. Spoiler alert, she was no way. The man would continuously scream curses at this poor. girl. And then when she would respond with a, sir, please, she would get stopped again in a tirade of fucks and shits. By the way, all this over train spotting too? Yeah. To fuck. This is very dishonorable what you are doing. They should have never made a sequel. My apologies for my brother to fuck fucking around in your lobby. I should also add some context. I don't know how it

worked in America, but in Ireland, T2 came out, well, T2 came out with, uh, 1999, but this film was called T2 calling. Honestly, that's why I didn't go see it. The, the audacity to call a T2. I was actually excited. Oh, the train spotting, too. Oh, yeah, that sounds like a good good. Wait, what are they calling it? Fuck this. I have rights. Uh, it came out the same weekend as the animated film sing. I don't think that was true for here. I've never heard. of sing that's the one where all them farm animals are singing in a contest yeah no thanks sing was so popular in the cinema i was at that four out of five counters were marked off with signs that read sing only and was marked and the last one was marked with everything else

wow wow what a sensation four to five screens is just playing sing and then everything else is timed out in one theater i guess i think what they're saying here though is that they had like four to five registers open to sell tickets for a sense weird. And that the last one was every other movie that the theater was playing. Oh, that's even more bizarre to me. So you can imagine the amount of young children and parents that stood in awe and

terror at this grown man screaming at this hapless place. To fuck, there are children present. As more and more, fuck spewed from this guy's mouth, some parents began saying, hey, calm down. And there's kids here, man.

There's kids here, man. I feel like that's going to happen to me at least one. So it's like, excuse me this kids here. Yeah. That sort of

happened that time we got dinner at that steakhouse and got really you did. We all got, all of us got dinner together

at a steakhouse in New York and we got into the Manhattan's in Manhattan as you do. Sure. Very cosmopolitan. And people yelled at us

because we were definitely asked to leave for sure. We were asked to shut up, pay and get out, basically. This is a trend

going on, I think. Yeah, yeah. You can see it. I love this story. I know it's too long, but I'm enjoying every word of it. Oh, it's fun.

The guy obviously took this as some form of challenge. It began telling the parents with the young kids how if we didn't stand up for our rights, big business would triumph over the little guy. Yeah, this guy did vote leave. Uh-huh. It was around the time that he was berating children against the evils of cunt corporations. not my word this is I'm quoting

a man from from across the Atlantic where they can say those things I cannot that was his voice and it was in quotation so it was the actual language yes it was yeah that his wife finally said

oh fuck this and left the cinema oh without him yes that's awesome I think he officially lost the support of all members of the crowd when he began personally attacking the young girl uses phrasing such as fat and ugly

Oh my god What if the fucking maniac This guy's a cinematic terrorist They need like Trank darts Yeah Get this guy out of here Shoot him

Wow Kevin nice How is there not a manager To step in and be like Sir let's go outside Let's figure this out Let me just say to that point Steve That members of management Who had shown up by this point

began begging the crowd Of Furious parents not to attack the guy As they began to regain Some semblance of peace The manager told him that if he didn't leave, he would be forced to call the police. Oh, my God. The man looked at her and screamed, good, call the police. I've been fucking robbed.

Oh, wow. The police arrived and immediately began consoling the poor staff member who was now crying uncontrollably and told the man to get the fuck out of here now. Wow. The man left the cinema and the cinema gave free popcorn to all the children. who had been left traumatized by the incident. What was the worst public freak out you have heard or witnessed? Keep up the amazing work. Owen from Dublin, Ireland.

Wow. Well, thank you, Owen. And he also says, P.S. thanks to you guys for your fantastic show. Figure it out has become part of my everyday vocabulary. But if you don't mind, I have Irish shit up a little by saying to fuck at the end. Yes, please do that. That sounds awesome.

What shall I figure out? explain it to me Shut up Disgraced Klingon How dare you chew out a young girl At the theater To fuck Public freakouts at movies

Yeah Or just in general I guess in general Yeah Public freakouts in general You know like not a freak out But my dad had gotten Some scrapes here and there

And it's not such a good story But it is It's very important It was It's very important it's a it's my sister's high school graduation and everyone is you know getting the cameras out for the whole thing and like it's there's one couple all the way in the front very far away uh who is standing when they should be sitting and my dad just yell and like it's it it it stopped everything dead because it's a really quiet graduation ceremony and my dad just yell and they're like and amy and it's like sit down please, and it's like, oh, fuck. Sit down, please, is always a good one.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to think of a good, like, total freakouts. I have that vibe in me, though, man. You'll freak out. It's not, it's something I quell. It's, it's something that I get from my family, but it's like, there's that kids in the hall sketch, my fiance makes fun of me all the time. And I don't yell at anybody.

I'm not a y'aller, but like I get a little snippy sometimes. Yeah. but it's that vibe that kids in the hall sketch where it's like I don't want my chick now I wanted five minutes ago and like it's that that's kind of sometimes how I turn into

and I try not to do that this story reminded me a little bit it's not too similar but me and my brother went to see Mel Gibson's the Patriot Oh I saw that in theaters and in when you're in the

Blair Witch 2 Book of Shadows the trailer was attached to that film or at least in the theater I saw it in and my brother let out some type of yell about like oh like fuck that looks like fuck that like trying to be kind of like a theater comedian

slightly yeah always always running a risk it was not appreciated as some middle age like well maybe even more than middle age like a big fat guy came over and he like sat down next to us and he was like you know what I'm an ex cop

and I don't appreciate appreciate that language or whatever. And then like some guy down a few rows, this old man who had a bunch of little children with him. By the way, to a raid in our movie that's horrendously violent. Yes, this will come up later. He also was like, oh, you're getting him? Like, yeah, you know what?

I'm going to go get an usher. Oh, Jesus Christ. Over the F word said during a trailer. Sure. So this old timer leaves And I don't know, maybe he's taking a shit in the hallway With this fucking broken By the way, you had old people in movies

Oh yeah, dude, dude, old people are you're at arch nemesis. Exactly. So he, like, okay, so the guy's gone a while. I think that he's probably, I don't know what he's doing. I don't care of it. I feel like we got through this. Maybe the usher said like, what? You forget about it.

Exactly. So we're starting to watch the movie And we're like after the question. credits at this point it's like been playing for like five minutes sure theater lights go on oh what projector stops what they come in to escort me and my brother out of the theater fat kids said the F word yes oh my yes outrageous dude as a as a former theater us right never would have done that and I explain like they're like oh you know this is they're they're telling us like this is a family environment and you're not supposed to like whatever and I said this

an R rated movie I said it's an R rated movie repeat Repeatedly, he shouldn't be bringing little kids in there to begin with. And I think they did give us passes, but they kicked us out of the theater. Oh, that's disgusting. So then later in the film, when that dude's fucking head is ripped off by a cannonball. And I believe some limbs are severed as well other than heads too. Absolutely. It's a fucking violent-as-shit movie.

It's gruesome. Heath Ledger gets like murdered in that movie. Oh, yeah. Like stabbed to death murdered. Wow. What was the Olson Twins' story about that? Did they skate by on that too?

They were still making those direct-to-video adventure movies, man. They were still traveling the globe. That was like 2000, yeah, they were still doing it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, we've had like, I've seen a ton of cinema freakouts. I'll say this. I don't think I've ever told this story on the air. I won't mention names.

Not that anybody would care. I was hosting a screening of a film called The Way. It was a Norwegian disaster movie that came out a few years ago, maybe like three years ago at this point. And the movie is basically like, it's based around a real town that's like sort of guarded by this huge rock formation thing. And the idea is like at any point, like scientifically like this rock wall could collapse and this town would be flooded. So the movie posits like what would happen if that actually happened? if this town was like totally consumed by a huge wave and blah blah blah so that's the movie uh it's basically modeled after like whatever fucking skyscraper you know towering inferno

disaster movie kind of thing totally fine it's like in its like soul it's like uh you know it's it's european so it's like more grounded and realistic so like you know you're seeing people like drown and this then the other thing whatever after the movie i'm conducting like a talk back in the theater first person gets the mic is this motherfucker and he's like

so I've been coming to this theater since 2001 I've been coming to these screenings where you do these Q&A's I've never before

asked for a microphone until tonight and I'm at the front I'm at the stage like in front of 260 people and I'm like oh this can't miss and he's like

I just have to ask what the fuck is your fucking problem showing us this piece of shit movie how fucking twisted are you that you would show us this movie where these people are just dying like this what the fuck is the matter with you what kind of fucking twisted shit do you like watching meanwhile this guy would pull his put out of a holocaust drama oh my god i mean seriously if this movie the waves start dwayne the rock johns and this motherfucker wouldn't have blinked right and so i'm just like soaking all this in and

I'm like, your job depends on it. Don't tell them to fucking suck your asshole. Don't tell them to suck your dirty asshole. That's what you want to do right now. And all of a sudden, the most amazing thing happened, the theater turned on this guy. Oh, nice. And started screaming

at him. And they're like, stop swearing. What are you talking about? That you're overreacting, just like yelling at this man. Like totally just screaming at this guy. I love that. Yeah. And I get the mic, right? And it's like, you know, what do I have to say in this one way?

Sit down, fat ass. Yeah. I so wanted to throw out the kiss your mother with that mouth. Oh, nice. Oh, classic chisnut. But I just threw out the, sir, in this room, we don't talk like that. Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

The audacity of you. And I, and then, dude, and then I just go, next question. Wow. Now finish your broccoli. It was just, it was so stunning to me. Excuse me, sir. My brother's name is Tfrock. What should I call him?

I was not cursing. I was introducing my brother who had a question. I actually loved the movie. What was awesome was in my head too while this fucking pig was yelling at me. I was like, oh, this guy thinks this is twisted. Oh, I could show him some shit that would turn his fucking hair white.

Come on. It was just, it was so dumb. And again, like, you exist out there. If you've ever seen that movie The Wave, like, Magnolia Pictures put it out like two or three years ago. Like, there's nothing in that movie that's like torture, porn-esque, or anything like that. It was such a fucking pathetic overreaction. Come on. All right.

No other overreactions? No. Chris Cabin with your dad? I can't believe that. In a public space now. All right. I'll check the next email here. No private.

Outrage? Oh, dude, private outages. Oh, check this shit out. Lindsay Lohan upsets a woman. Yeah. Hey there, we hate movies. I've always been hesitant to send an email mostly because in the 30 years I've been attending movies in theaters. I've never

really had a wacky theater incident go down. So I figured I'd substitute that with two experiences in shopping for movies. By the way, if you've been going to movies and you've never seen some ridiculous shit go down, you haven't been going to enough movies. Yeah, you get there.

In its heyday, I enjoyed browsing Best Buy for movies and seeing if there were any worth checking out or buying. But of course, the bonus is always kind of nosing in on strangers' tastes in movies to see what they're picking. Quick. Quick aside question. What is the worst

movie you bought, sight unseen? You're like, ooh, I don't know what does, you know, in the heyday of DVD, you know what I mean? DVD was king, you're just going around Best Buy, like, this looks good, I'm going to buy it, and I'm going to be happy to it that I have bought this movie. Fuck, that's tough. I'll start with mine. Yeah, the movie Confidence with Edward Burns and Dustin Hoffman. Wow. I liked it because the poster looked like something I might

like and it wasn't. Does it count if you've already seen it because I, here's the thing is, I had seen something and then bought it anyway and I should have known better. Which is. And that's the film Identity. Oh, man. I saw that movie in the theater and then when it came out on DVD, I was like, oh yeah, identity. Pick that up $20. I remember you told me. that movie was great. You said the word great. Oh, absolutely, dude. I thought that twist was so smart. Bad idea. Sorry. I think I had this. I think I might have bought the second Charlie's Angels

because I was told it was very campy and like for a little bit I was like I was into John Waters at the time. I was like, oh camp, that's and of course it's not what I'm looking for. I think I blind bought Zatuichi with B. Takashi. Just because I was just like, man, yeah, you know, oh, I'm sophisticated. And I was like, I watched it once. I was like, yeah, it's fine, but

I'm never going to watch it again. No, I'm never going to put that DVD in again. And seeing if there are any worth checking out or buying, but of course the bonus is always kind of nosing in the stranger's taste of movies to see what they're picking up or catching their interest. One such moment came in the family or comedy section

where two gentlemen and a woman were shopping. One of the gentlemen picked up a copy of the Disney film Herbie Fully Loaded. Hell yeah. Which starred Lindsay Lohan and I believe Michael Keaton. You are correct. He plays her father. I thought nothing of it. Hey, maybe they're buying for a daughter or a niece or possibly themselves.

I thought nothing of it kept browsing. Until the woman stormed to the gentleman, snatched the DVD and shouted, not just uttered, shouted, you're not buying this movie. Critics hated it. You know why? Because it was stupid. And toss the DVD angrily back on the shelf. You know why that happened? Because there's some hooters on that cover, if I remember correctly.

It's like her in a tight shirt. She's very sexualized on that poster. And it's like, and like, that's the only reason that dude would be buying it. And the wife was like, no fucking thank you. Exactly. And back home, he's been rewatching mean girls. like every day. Exactly.

Of course there were a few stairs. The two guys were so taken aback and silently just continued on their Best Buy trip like nothing. And I'm just standing there trying not to laugh and to keep my cool.

My other favorite moment, far briefer, was when Suncoast video stores. Nice. Brubby. R-I-D. We're still around and it was near my job at the time

so I'd browse there. I remember being online with my friend who was buying something and there was a woman in front of us. holding a copy of Madagascar on DVD, which I wouldn't even remember if it weren't for her turning around and asking,

excuse me, what does made in Mexico mean? And naturally explained that the DVD was printed in Mexico and she replied, oh, thank God, I didn't want the movie to be corny or anything. Excuse me. What does made in Mexico mean? You know, Mexico is going to pay for that wall Because we're going to build it out of their old DVDs

They made us shitty DVDs We got a raw deal on the DVD Guess what? This DVD was made by a rapist Oh, God Mexico had the idea To list an anamorphic menu As a special feature

What's so special about that? It's got nothing to do with the movie. Trailers aren't special. Trailers aren't special. We're talking about commentaries, deleted scenes,

featureettes. Those are special features. The most special of all, the blooper. Which I've modeled my presidency after. Why did we ever do widescreen folk?

Full screen is the way to go. I hate those guys. God damn bars on my TV. And I also hate them in my future cell. Okay, goodbye. She turned around, made her purchase, and that was that. But my friend and I couldn't help but crack up after that fact. So if you chose to read this on the air, very much appreciate it.

And thank you. You guys put it together. You guys put together a great podcast, one of the best, and have been loving your Patreon episodes. Keep it the great work. Sincerely, Gustavo in Jersey City, New Jersey. Oh, wow. Hello, Gustavo.

You might be your neighbor, dude You're going to have this guy over, dude? Yeah, maybe. Are you guys best friends? We might become best friends. Man, Suncoast Video. You know what I did? A Suncoast video one time?

What's that? You bought a poster that was too expensive? Expose yourself. It was the first time I bought one of those bullshit, like, it's a 50 pack of horror movies. Oh, yeah, dude. But it's all just like public domain garbage. It's Carnival of Souls on the cover and a bunch of nonsense.

Yep, you have a horrendous, transfers of everything, majority of which is like MSD3K ready kind of thing. Just garbage. Yeah, no, I have, yeah, yeah, we're having fun with DVDs. I remember when I got my job at that country club, I was like, you know what

I'm going to, and it was the dumbest thing. Instead of being like, I'm going to open a savings account or I'm like, you'll never, yeah, no one does it. I'm going to buy a DVD a week and that is going to make me a more culturally rich person. That's why I want confidence on DVD.

Can I, so I would yearly go on vacation with my mom. To DVD land? My mom and my aunts to North Carolina. And we would rent a house. And we would rent like from the same like area. Sure. But never the same ones. But my aunt, my one aunt, I'm not going to name any names.

I don't know who's listening. The shitty one. Yes. Yes, yes she is. But I'm not going to say it. But they're all shitty. Excuse me, miss. Excuse me.

Are you Chris Cabin's aunt that was mentioned on the mailback? No, I'm not. I'm the other one. I'm the good one. Sorry. So, what happened? So I, of course, I would bring, like, movies to watch, or my mother and the sane ones would go and rent. Sure.

But my aunt was obsessed, and she did it every time, I cannot believe it, would watch whatever they had left there. Oh, wow. And it was always just like the house deep. There was some random, like, the guy who played Amadeus, some movie called Echo Park. And it was just like, it's lost in the sands of time. Nobody ever, yes, nobody had ever seen it. I'm like, she, I just like, why would you watch that? Wake up in the middle of the night to piss and she's on the couch watching it.

Oh, man, you should always avoid house DVDs. That's terrible. Got through like the second season of One Tree Hill. They're a lot of fun to thumb through and see the taste. Sure. And if you're on the right kind of trip, maybe we'll all put it on as a gag. Exactly. Solo watch and that's a bit of thing. It seemed like it was only by herself too.

Sure. That's sad as fuck, dude. So Steve Sadek, take us on to that next one. Audience Q&As. Dear we hate movies, first off, let me say that I'm loving the Patreon upgrade. Nice. I live in Toronto, where a cup of coffees, eight bucks, so I can justify the monthly the donation, which everyone can really. I don't know what everybody's situation is.

It's a cup of coffee and you know what? There's four of us so maybe you can up your Patreon to four times eight. I'm not doing math. First off, that's 32, but thank you for your donation all the same. Any donation is fine. Even if you can't afford, we love that you're listening to this episode. And speaking of Toronto, I remember hearing that a few of you had made it up for the annual TIFFF Festival. No, only one, just a couple times. Tiff, that's me. That's just me, Andrew.

The whole event is my favorite time of year, and I've really grown to substantially, and it has really grown substantially since going for the last 15 years. Yeah, no, it's a crazy-ass, massive festival, yeah. My favorite experience was going with a group of buddies to see Bad Lieutenant Port of Call, New Orleans, which is still one of my favorite movies, with Werner Herzog and Nick Cage sitting right behind us.

Wow, what a score. We happened to go with a few enhancements in quotation marks. Oh, shit. And they were wearing bionic legs. Oh, yeah. One of them had a laser eye. Fucking Canada's healthcare system. So fucking good.

Fuck you. And then you're like, freeze, creep. No, we know what enhancements means. And proceeded to laugh our asses off to the whole thing. And we noticed that Herzog and Cage were loving it. They even mentioned after the Q&A that although a dark comedy, they didn't realize the reception was going to be laugh-out, buddy. Listen, man, you cut to that chicken.

I'm laughing out loud. That is a pretty good movie. I really enjoy it. I really like the movie. I like the idea of like Werner Herzluck being delighted. Like, oh, this is wonderful. We made the, this is like, there's the hangover, and then there's this movie. This is better, I think.

Oh, definitely. anyways there's a lot of which were the questions after the screenings and Herzog and Cage had to slog through them because there always is

because Q&As are fucking horrible and they should be outlawed I'm going to do one tomorrow night they should be outlawed but the best one was an audience member

asked Herzog if he was inspired by the GTA video games for the film see this is why they should be out of that's the dumbest fucking question imaginable yes when I first

took the Cadillac outside the safe house. I was given the thrill of my life. There was a long pause and while Herzog whispered into the moderator's year, they then replied Mr. Herzog doesn't know

what you are referring to. Oh my God, the humiliation. The abject humiliation. God, that's awful. I cannot believe that they're making me work out in this video game. I'm just trying to run people over. We laughed so hard.

The Gemini Technical Advisory. We laughed so hard, picturing Werner, playing GTA and modeling a directing style after that animated video game violence. My question is, what is the best or absolute worst or awkward audience question you have heard during a film screening? I will take this first. Okay. It's not a film screening. It was actually I did creative writing in college. Oh, good for you.

Thank you very much. But the, yeah, thank you very much. The writer Jubileeiri came taught our class and then did a reading and a Q&A afterwards. And we were in Upper Westchester and the audience was Lily White and Jubilee Hiri is an Indian woman. And every single question.

I'm not kidding you. I mean, she writes about the Indian American experience. Why aren't you white? They were. It was always like, as an Indian woman, what do you think about this? Or as an Indian writer, What?

And like, all these, like, as an Indian woman, how is it you managed to breathe the same air as I do? How did you, how did you translate this from Hindi into something I can read, lady? Hey, lady! And like, that's what it was. And I was with a friend of mine, and I was like, it was one of those things where I thought I was going to get asked to leave because it was such a good joke. And I'm just basically propping up my own joke here. I went to her and I was like, do Indian people dream? and she started laughing

and literally it got to the point where everyone looked at us but yeah it was just one of those like really uncomfortable like racist situations that's awful I remember one time I was at a Q&A

years before I started working at the Jacob Burns Film Center I was at the Burns in the audience it was in college they were doing a Rainer Verner Fastbender retrospective oh they got his corpse out there

well dude stay tuned So the opening night screening was Marriage of Maria Braun. It's an excellent film. And afterwards, they had the woman who was like Fassbender's editor on a lot of these movies to come do a Q&A. And so the woman is there and whoever was moderating, you know, and they're having a little back and forth. And it's totally interesting. And then it's the dreaded, let's open it up to the audience. And the fucking first question.

Was this person gets the microphone, and they're like, this was the first time I saw this movie. It's the first time I ever saw a Fassbender movie. I loved it. What a total genius. This movie appears to be a few decades older. Can you tell me what has Mr. Fassbender been working on recently? Fucking turning into bulge. Jesus Christ.

And this woman. You could see, in that moment, she's, like, remembering her fucking dead friend who OD'd in the early 80s. And she's also, like, I can't tell this person to go fuck themselves. You know, so she had to be like, well. She's pushing up daisies. Unfortunately, you know, we lost Rainer back in the early 80, you know, and just like, what the flying fuck are we doing everybody? Like, it was so, you could feel it in that room. Just the uncomfortability of the whole thing.

Were you guys at that Robert Altman Q&A in college? Oh, I was. You just reminded me of another great thing, but yes. Someone asked him how great was it to work with like Donald Sutherland or something. Okay. And he was like, fuck that guy. That's pretty great. You just reminded me, though.

Oh, Kavin, go ahead. I was at the Neurofilm Festival screening of when Chei first screened here. And Jay Hoberman, a famous village voice critic, had been at the can screening where it was like fucking six, I think it's like six hours as is now. And it was like seven hours there. Yeah. And so Jay Hoberman is waiting in this line just doop to do to do to talk to Steven Soderberg, who is there for a Q&A. And he just gets up there and he's just like, I was really sad that you cut the scene where they execute. he just goes in this one scene

that had been cut from this thing and Steven Soderberg cool as a way just like goes right back and he's like yeah that's too bad suck it Hoberman that's awesome man so Eric just reminded me

so yeah so the Altman thing that Eric was mentioning when we were in school they had a thing where it was like they would bring filmmakers to come talk to the film and cinema studies students and so yeah in this first series with this thing that they did they did Altman which was fucking amazing

they also had Spike Lee which was awesome and it wasn't like screening anything like they just came to talk to you so we're in this like black box theater there's Spike Lee in front of like whatever like 60 students or whatever it is and he's just doing a Q&A and then this one fucking kid

so this is we're talking this is like spring of 2005 I think because I think this movie came out at Christmas and he's like Okay, this is a question for Mr. Lee. It was just announced that the trailer for The Inside Man, so that was his Clive Owen heist movie had coming out. It's just announced that the trailer for the Inside Man

is going to be the attached trailer on the Peter Jackson King Kong. Now, if you don't recall, attached trailers were back in the day when we still had just only film prints. The first reel of the movie would come with a trailer, like, literally built into it. Sure. Like, it was, like, bad if you cut that trailer off, which I did a ton of times, but you weren't supposed to.

So they announced, like, oh, it's going to be the attached trailer. And he's like, so, how do you feel about it being attached to this big Peter Jackson King Kong remake? And Spike Lee, it was fucking so awesome. You remember this? Yes. He just looks to this kid dead in his dumb eyes, and he's just like, uh, my trailer. is attached to King Kong. Everybody in the world is going to see

King Kong, which means everybody in the motherfucking world is going to see the trailer to my motherfucking movie. How the fuck do you think I feel? And it was just like, sits right down. It was the fucking most awesome chewing out of all time. That's fantastic.

All right, Chris Cabin. Close us out with the email accidental data file. Oh, gee, okay. So, hey, WHM. I was inspired to write to you after re-listing to my father of the hero in your back catalogue. You shouldn't be doing that.

That's advanced level WHA. So my dad used to frequent a family-owned restaurant in the small Midwest town where I grew up. Stop frequent into that restaurant by my dad! Sorry. He also happened to have a bright yellow sporty car. Oh, a sporty car. A sporty car.

That he would bring to car shows and, you know, whatever you do with cars. It was a taxi. One night he came home from getting dinner at said restaurant and said to my sister and I, there was some crazy fucking lady at the restaurant. Naturally, we were like, what? And he continued. Our dad said, well, I put, I'm pulling to the parking lot and I walk in and I'm waiting

for my table and I see this little toddler kid just looking bored. So I figured I let him check out the car or something. So this guy is basically saying he went to dinner without. his family He went to dinner on his own getting a table by himself

and then he sounds like he's going to escort a child into his car so far so good to his car

um that Kruger got started he he told us that he continued by saying to look at

hey buddy want to see something cool what come on out to the parking lot so the kids

starts to follow my dad and the kid's mom turns around and goes what the fuck are you doing

wait for my kid, you pervert? Yep. In front of the whole lobby. That's the move. To this day, my dad still thinks he was innocently trying to show the kid a cool car and that the mother was a complete lunatic. It's like, here's a letter about my father coming out to us as a child. My sister and I like to intermittently bring it up by saying, hey, dad, remember that time

when you clearly made yourself like a pedophile? time I got caught. I'm kidding. I'm sure your father's lovely. It's just a misunderstanding. A fun misunderstanding. It's fun. He wasn't chained or anything. I would ask, I would ask if you guys have any stories of your parents unintentionally looking like perverts, but that seems unlikely. Love the show from Rancho Cucamonga, California. Yes, it's a real place. Hell yeah. It's a Bugs Bunny town.

It's one of the towns that Bugs Bunny would accidentally visit. Right, because he's on his way. but at Albuquerque. Yes. Like Kalamazoo. Right. Fun sounding towns. Yes.

Fun towns. Gunga. Also the best place is to grab children, I guess. Fun towns. Well known. Yeah. My dad never got any kind of dust up like that. I'll tell you what.

Yeah. I mean, nah. I just love that this dad doesn't see what's going on here, though. But like, yeah, you shouldn't be talking, talking about any kids. Don't talk to kids. Also, why isn't your family at this dinner? But I guess if you, like, surround yourself with little snot kids, like you, gentle listener and your friends or whatever, maybe it's just like instinctual.

Like, oh, hey, it seems like more something I would do like, oh, hey kid, are you okay? Is somebody here with you? Yes, definitely. Or maybe it was a stipulation. You want to ride home? When this dude got married, he was like, look, here's the deal. Every Friday night, I go to this restaurant by myself. for children.

Not even that, but it's just like, I'm excited to have kids, like I have a family with you, but every Friday you need to know I will be at this restaurant by myself watching the game, drinking a fucking course light, and I'm not to be bothered. And that's just the rule. And if you can abide by that rule,

we can get married. Marry, I just need my chicken finger parmesan. That's what I need. And why I thought of that was because I was reminded of a story. A former co-worker told me where a friend of his was getting married and the dude was like okay like i will get married but you need to understand i have one ritual that i will not back down from does he give her the quiz from diner no it's worse

and he said every friday when he's done with work he goes to him with shahs parlor and gets a hand job what what no this is science fiction no and this dude this dude was like and i will get this hand job every Friday. And I will not stop getting this hand job. And if you have a problem with this, we are not going to get married. But that is the thing I do to relax from the week. It cools me down. This is an actual person you know? Yes. It's someone I knew who worked with this person who was getting the hand jobs. And now they're not married. They didn't get married. I haven't talked to this person in over 10 years. But the dude who demanded that he still get these hand jobs every Friday, they went through with the marriage. At the time of the story being told, the marriage had gone through. That's insane. That's crazy. I'm speechless. It's totally speechless.

I mean, like, you know. I'm with Eric. That's science fiction. That's Philip K. Dick's shit. Oh, maybe it was an android he was talking. Wait, what's a good Philip K. Dick title for that? Like, do electric androids jerk me off? That is W.H.M. Mail.

for the month of July and the last one for season 8. So until September, start thinking about those letters now. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin. Take it easy.