We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Crying at LOTR, Getting Arrested on Easter, and Several Scary Bathroom Tales

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

We apologize for the weird audio glitches here. We had to overcome some hiccups, but stick it out because this Mail Bag episode is absolutely outrageous! On this very special Mail Bag, the gang is at the HeadGum East studio in Brooklyn to read some letters alongside very special guests, their significant others: Chelsea, Jenn, Amy and Sofia! Contained in this episode are sordid tales of a person following their crush to a LOTR premiere and then crying HARD at the end in front of them, a mom getting arrested in at a video store on Easter Sunday, and several outrageous stories of bathroom-related public humiliation. CAUTION: Things get gross. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHM Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, Christopher Cabin, and our beloved and patient significant. and others joining us in studio today in the headgum offices in Williamsburg. This is the most ambitious crossover event in history.

That's right. Fuck you, Marvel. Fuck you, Marvel. Look at this. I was wondering how many relationships are going to be over by the time this is done. A lot.

Well, fingers crossed, we get out a flawless victory. What a get, we got the people that live with us to come in. So welcome to the show, Chelsea, Sophia, Amy, and Jen to the program. Should we let people know

who's who and why? Did we introduce ourselves that? Oh, maybe an introduction? So let's try that. Okay. I'm Chelsea. I'm Amy. I'm Jen.

I'm Sophia. And then here come the tweets. They go, we can't tell them apart. So this is the mailbag program where we just read things that come to us via email into the old WHM mailbag. And just to be clear, you all live in a big house together. All eight of us live in an enormous house. Things have started getting real. Uh-huh.

Just like the show promised. So we have a collection of letters like every month that we're going to read here. So who's starting off? Chelsea would. Oh, Chelsea. So go right ahead. The first email or mailbag question. It is titled Mailbag Question.

Nice. Hey guys and gals. I know the guys watch a lot of bad movies on a pretty regular basis, but how often do the ladies join in? And what's each lady's favorite? What are you watching moment from walking? in on a particular movie for the show. Thanks for all the fun, Drew. Well, you're welcome, Drew.

Thank you, Drew. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes, well, I'll put it this way, like in our house, at least, Chelsea will be like, so what is it? And I'll be like, oh, it's Jungle the Jungle with Tim Allen. She's like, well, go fuck you. Probably less than a quarter of the episodes. Have I actually seen the movie?

Really? I haven't seen a bunch of movies. You got to get two TVs. No, yeah, I am an old lady and go to bed at 10 p.m. And then Chris is a vampire and usually stays up late and watches them after. I'm asleep, thank goodness. We have the same setup, yeah. See, we go to bed at the same time, super early.

So my entire night, you're like getting moving every day. Yeah, I would say I'm about 75%. You think that sounds right? Yeah, not bad. Because he likes for me to watch with him so then he can steal all my jokes. I do. I do. I was all serious. I will. I'm stealing jokes and work.

shopping material at the same time. I'll be like, what if I talk like this? Okay, that's pretty good. Don't you guys also watch bad movies like in your spare time? So that's like kind of what your relationship is like for fun. We watched The Avengers Grimm, which is an asylum production.

Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Jen, for people that are unfamiliar with what the asylum has mastered. So the asylum are specialized in what are called, and I don't like the word, mock busters. I've never heard of mockbusters.

Oh, what? Really? Yeah, they call them mockbusters, and that's when they take a popular movie, like Transformers, for instance, and make their own terrible version, and call it transmorphers. And it started out as the ideas they would just confuse people in video stores and like grandmas and stuff would buy the wrong DVD. A lot of disappointed birthdays and Christmases. I got your transmorphers. It's your favorite.

They're an idiot, grandma. You love the incredible bulk. I hope you dropped out, Grandma. Exactly. And now it still's like their own cottage industry. The Avengers Grimm is one from 2014. Incidentally, when the Avengers came out and the TV show Once Upon a Time was very popular.

Now that's the crossover event. Yeah, what if we team up the two concepts into the Disney, not the Disney princesses, grim fairy tale princesses, teaming up together and coming to the real world, and beaten a bad guy who is Casper Van Dien playing Rumpelstilskine.

So which officially makes Casper Van Dene the poor man's Robert Carlyle, which is really something to me. Is this the second one on his IMDBF for Starship Proopers? I thought maybe. The saddest part is Lou Farragno's in this movie and he gets spray-painted silver

and like it's a bad time for a 2014 Lufarigno, you know what I mean? Just because of the oldness? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he looks great. He looks great, but he can barely speak. more so than usual although that's pretty pushpart for the course

for most of the people on that film but so has anyone who's not watched the movies walked in on one of a moment in the movie and been like what the hell is this movie you're watching every single time that's fair I do have the exact opposite where I noticed a movie and recognized it way too quickly

when you guys did North because I loved that movie as a kid and Elijah Wood was not on screen I should not have known it was North and I came home and I was like Oh, you're watching North. Do you remember the part that was on?

Not really, but I remember distinct... Was it like just Bruce Willis was on the screen? I remember distinctly that Elijah Wood was nowhere to be seen, and I still knew exactly when in North it was. He was busy napping in that furniture store. That's what happens in the movie. Yeah, that's pretty much what I was. It's all a dream?

Oh, was it just a dream in that? I don't remember. Yes, it was. He was sleeping in the recliner. Right. Oh, man, that movie's genius. Yeah, but when I was seven, I loved it.

I had such a crush on Elijah Wood. Who did it? Yeah. I still have a crush on him now. Which era is my question? The good son. You know what present day?

Okay, that's good. Did you see him in that maniac? Yeah, dude. He's fucking those mannequins or whatever. I would tear his face off. This is beautiful. All right. Who's got the next round of letter reading?

That's right. Amy? Yeah. Randomly intense. day afternoon. Hey gang, my wife and I love to watch movies together and often the situation is

I've already seen the movie and she hasn't. On one lazy afternoon, we decided to put on what I like to call a Sunday afternoon movie. Did this guy invent that? Yes, 100%. What I like to call. It is an all cap,

but it doesn't have a trademark after. That's true. What I like to call the time and date we're doing the thing and the activity we're doing. So, you know, you may have not have heard this. It's a Sunday afternoon. He ran like an ABC affiliate in 1960.

I'm going to call him Sunday afternoon movies. Sorry. Well, he goes on to tell you exactly what the fuck is. By saying, meaning something that's just interesting enough and will put you in a good mood, but not particularly challenging, loud, or too much of

any one thing. basically, I'm sorry, in parentheses, basically a hangover movie, but with generally more period pieces. Well, excuse me! Immediately, I'm thinking we're doing Elizabethan. That's probably incorrect. Like a Barry Lyndon, I think is what this guy's referring. Eric, call the lawyers.

What about that show Outlander? That show is exactly this, right? That's not a movie. He's like a time traveling sex fiend. What's that show about? Yes, that's about right. So on this particular day, and I hope he means Sunday, so we decided to put on The Great Debaters,

a movie I remembered mainly for the A plot, a young group of black college students join a debate team, get inspired by Denzel Washington, and go on to debate Harvard. Not the B plot, though, where there's like some hip teen traveling through time. What I had completely forgotten about was all the horrible racism that is depicted throughout the movie. Sure.

I thought it was PG. The last time I saw it was in high school. Has anyone seen this movie, by the way? The great debate is? I don't know. I could not place it. Where I work like teaches it to kids. Oh, that's nice.

The following paragraph, continue, Amy. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And therefore thought the stuff they'd show wouldn't get too graphic. Boy, was I wrong. I just skipped the line. There are mobs, many uses of the N-word,

and at one point, the students drive up to a lynching in progress. Now back to a lynching already in progress. This dude wrote the email, man. It's a Sunday afternoon. Put it on. So, granted, I should have known better and remembered the movie a bit more,

but now my wife constantly makes fun of my Sunday afternoon movie classification. So now she does. Honey, I think we're going to put on Manchester by the sea. Let's just veg out on a Sunday afternoon. My question is for the significant others. Has there ever been a time your significant other has, outside of episode research, has shown you a movie where you've thought, what is this thing and or who is this guy exactly?

Did any of them become inside jokes? And a bonus question for the W.HM Prize, what are your Sunday afternoon movies? Thanks for all the episodes and laughs. Joel from Michigan. Go Blue. Oh, right, that's right. So I have one, but it is actually my choice.

It's the reverse. It's like literally the reverse. Yeah. So this is very early in our dating days. And it was probably a Saturday afternoon. so it doesn't count. It was definitely more of a hangover movie situation than a Sunday afternoon. To be fair. And we were hungover, so it was the early afternoon when we woke up.

And we were making breakfast, and I was like, oh, I know what we should watch because we just got it on Netflix from the Netflix DVD service. Nice. It was that era. Was it how they transferred over to DVD.com? No. Because we do it now, but it's DVD. Yeah, we signed back up.

We're still stuck in the old days. So my roommate and I had gotten one of our favorite movies, Martyrs. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, my God, you haven't seen martyrs? We have to watch it. And the sun is out. The sun is out.

It's a beautiful day in Brooklyn. And what's particularly insane about this is that I knew very well what the content of martyrs was. I've seen it more than once. And yet, for some reason, I was like, this will be great. And, like, as it's going along, if you've never seen Martyrs, it's an extremely violent and disgusting French horror movie, wonderful movies. Oh, yeah. Very disturbing, though.

And it's, like, progressive... People getting skinned. People getting skinned. Things get also, like, really heady and philosophical in there as well, so it's not just, like, a relaxing, violent movie. So, yeah, that instantly entered into our canon of great experiences that I've given Stephen. Yeah, I make... I make fun of her a lot for that.

It's just a weird, it's a weird idea. Like, I, you know, it's just like, all right, cool. What, martyrs sounds like a, I don't know, what's some church movie? What is this? Some church movie? Like, Liam Neeson got to rescue a Bible from somewhere. Like, no, it's not that at all. They took my Bible.

The good book. Did anybody see the American remake of that? They did an English language martyr. I never saw it, like last year or something? No. Yeah, I think the horror verse on the whole skipped it. Oh, okay. But it's one of those movies, if you haven't seen it, it's like, you know,

we're going to hit you in the head with this hammer until you transcend into a greater level of understanding. And you're like, what? I might try that at home. I have a story as well. Kind of too. And I don't know if it's a good story, but I fucking hate child ghosts, like, a lot. Like, they're my least favorite thing probably ever. Out of fear or out of, like, fear.

Oh, like, deep, deep fear. I thought you're going to be like, these kids shouldn't be. No, like, I'm not afraid of, like, serial killers coming to my house or getting in a car crash. I'm afraid of child ghosts, like, coming into my bedroom, right? Steve, live with a baby ghost for a while. I did. Yep, nope. So I think we had just moved in together, me and Chris Cabin, and was, again, like a sunny, I don't, it must have been a weekend, but maybe not.

I woke up super early. Like, I had gotten up. Wait, wait, wait, what? So 1 o'clock? 1 p.m. 1 p.m. I rusted out. I'm like 9.30 a.m., I think.

Oh, my Lord. And I remember it was super sunny outside, and I'm going to, is it sinister that I'm picking up? Oh, no. We just had to put on sinister. And this, again, is early enough in our relationship that I haven't, hadn't been converted to liking horror movies yet. Okay. Which is something that you did for me. Wow, nice going, Kevin.

Thank you. But this was miserable. Like, this whole movie is just like them being seen. scared by fucking child ghosts at every corner in this house. They're hanging from trees. They're in cardboard boxes. Well, they got all the little rascals. Like, I just remember sitting clutching the pillow over my face.

And Chris, meanwhile, losing his shit in laughter at the corner. I'm an evil man. I'm sorry. At least child ghosts, like, don't even have a high school education. You know? Yeah. How, you know, they're just dumb. Dumb ghosts.

They're dumb ghosts. I can't handle baby ghosts. I'm not dealing with that. Good baby ghost movie is the changing with Jorsi Scott though. It's pretty creepy. The fucking baby ghost on the house.

He's so mad at that baby ghost. It's awesome. Credits. And you had a second one? Yeah. My second one is a who exactly am I dating story, which will be relatively brief.

Serbian film? Was it a Serbian film? No, no. Actually, surprisingly, I'd probably have been more into that. Oh, wow. Wait, so what is this movie? Baby Snuff Films under Baby Ghosts.

So this is before we moved in together. I always think of it, because I remember where we watched it, and it was in your shitty apartment in Astoria, where the couch was falling apart. Hey, that's where the show was born. No, probably not that apartment, actually. No, it was the same couch. This just had a stack of books under one side of the couch instead of actual, like,

wrap that couch out. Oh, man. I didn't live with that. I was desperate, Amy. And so he's like, okay, I have to show you, like, one of my favorite movies. I just think it's so hilarious. I think you're going to love it. He puts on Magruber.

Oh, yeah. Which, like, apparently, is an opinion that a lot of people share, but I just kept sitting there, like, this is so... No, I'm with you. Like, why do you think this is funny? I don't understand. I'm bored. It's high art. You just wouldn't get it.

Exactly. I'm with you. I'm with you. I had almost the exact same. experience. He talked it up for so long and then I was like, this is what you think is funny? Oh, man. There it is. So let's move on

to the next letter, Jen. This one is entitled 1999's Three Kings is why my mom got arrested. I'm so glad I got this one. Hey gang, I have a pretty funny story about my mom getting arrested one time on Easter Sunday.

It was fall 2007 and the housing bubble was about to burst and millions of people estimate were screwed out of the American dream, my mother being one of them. Uh-oh. The bank foreclosed on our house about around the time I fucked off to college and things sucked pretty bad for her and my brother and they had to

pack up their life and GTFO out of the house. Did Zadie Smith right? That was compelling, timely stuff in October of 2007. But this person was at college, so fuck you, family. Yeah, bye. I did that one. Touched.

Head to Easter Sunday, March slash April of 2008. My mom was on the way to church, and unfortunately for her, she was going 10 miles per hour over the speed limit, prompting a police officer to pull her over. Uh-oh. It was super routine bullshit speeding situation until the officer ran her info.

Apparently, she had a warrant out for her arrest for petty larceny, in all caps. A little background about my mom. She loves staying home, action movies, preying, Newport mentholz, and quilting. And cleaning shit. Believe it or not, she was sure. shocked and she didn't even know what she had stolen.

Cut to a few weeks before the foreclosure and my mom is at our local family-owned video store slash tanning salon. I'm from rural South Carolina. She rented 1999 David O. Russell's Three Kings. I'm pretty impressed because it's actually a decent film, unlike most of the trash she loved,

i.e. most Stevenson's the call. Hey, he's up on old ma there, huh? She rented it and somehow in the whirlwind of losing her home never returned it. understandable. So thankfully, the officer

occurred into the station. Come on. Oh, we're laughing at your mom getting arrested. Because obviously, this kind of riffraff cannot be allowed to worship her zombie savior. Did I mention that my then 10-year-old brother was in the car with her? He didn't go to jail, though.

My grandpa came to get him. Well, that's good. That Easter weekend, I got Good Friday out from college and spent the weekend camping and getting wasted. So when I came home to my grandparents' house and everyone was acting weird, I thought they were mad at me because I partied because I was 18, and you were super important at 18.

My grandpa bailed my mom out, and that afternoon she had to pay the soon-out-of-business video slash tanning store, a $64 fucking fine. Wow. When my mom tried to explain to the owner and tell them how humiliating and shitty the experience was, she got a shrug.

All in all, it doesn't sound that funny, but trust me, We all laugh about it now, and my mom is doing totally awesome and still goes to church for something. I'm hoping for at least a Mark Wahlberg impression because he's kind of my favorite. And Trump, of course. Thanks y'all for the lulls and keeping me company, Suzanne. Yo, bro, did you get my mom got arrested? Lock her up.

Lock her up. Knock her up. Bro, my mom got arrested on Easter. Dude, Mark Wahlberg's mother's definitely been arrested on Easter. Oh, absolutely. That's insane. I'm trying to think of anyone and my family that got arrested

that I would share My brother got arrested twice I'll tell those It's the public record He got arrested once For breaking into the town pool And going swimming in the middle of the night Remember your dad not being very happy

About that You are absolutely correct Chris Cabin Because my dad I heard the shouts From the downstairs floor of the house All I could hear was Why would you break into a pool when you have one in your fucking backyard.

Great question. And then also he was arrested for public urination in the city of Albany. Okay. Oh, my... was arrested. Take that again. A family member of mine was arrested.

When he drove drunk through a convenience store, like drove through... Like the Blues Brothers? Yeah, it was like Logan Lucky shit. This is her day has got everything. Yeah, so that happened. I don't have anything like that, but I do see a previous mailbag to a very similar situation where after Hurricane Andrew, I wrote in with this story, after Hurricane Andrew in 1992, I'm from Miami,

we did net power for three weeks and forgot to take a video out of the BCR before the storm. And Blockbuster charged us, I think like $50. And we were like, dude, it's been a national disaster. But then your dad straightened it out. I think so, yeah. Look, if we let everyone off the hook for Hurricane Andrew, we'd be losing money. So you don't want to live in a world where there doesn't exist a blockbuster. I got a story, but it should have ended in an arrest, but it didn't.

I thought it was going to be the time your mom got life. No. Now Rosie's an upstanding citizen. She's getting paroled soon, right? Will on the other hand So my dad Everybody don't be drinking for this My dad's a huge fan of Hudson Hawk

That sucks How is he a fan of that movie? He loves this movie He just thinks it's the most entertaining thing Sure You scour Listen you scour eBay

You get yourself a sick Knockoff like bootleg Hudson Hawk T-shirt guarantee There are Bruno heads out there This is dude He was more He just he thought Richard E. Grant was hilarious.

It was a bad scene. Anyway, we went to, so he rented it like several times. Arrest him right now. We eventually bought it, but like when it was first out. Oh, he was like psyching himself into it. Well, it was like every, every weekend he was up. There was also that period of time where there would be a movie for rent, but you couldn't buy a whole video.

You could buy stuff online if the video store didn't sell it. You had to just keep renting there. Yeah, and then wait for Columbia has to do, and then scam on. That's why I rented cops and robbersons four times. So my dad got very angry that they had taken, like they used to have like three copies of, but now they only had one because it moved out of like the new releases. Oh my God. Because the world had moved on.

He actually very like firmly asked the lady, do you have any more copies of Hudson Hogg? And then he pulled out of gun. You better. that's amazing man so did he ask that like what happened to those other two copies no he was just very angry would you just throw him in the garbage let me explain to you how rentals work sir uh all right i say we move on to the next letter yay okay i'm excited i got this one because it speaks to my heart um crying at the movies a w hm crew i was a very awkward virginal sophomore in high school

back in 2003 when the return of the king came out. Tell me about it. I told you, this is my life story. As a big LOTR fan, I was beyond excited to see the end of the trilogy that had defined my teenage years. I had a huge crush on a Mormon boy at the time. Big mistakes. It's never been written before. It being rural Indiana, there were tons of Mormons at my high school.

I didn't know they were that far east. I was thinking of the same thing. The virus has spread. I'm very surprised. So we're going to call him Mike, the Mormon boy. I asked Mike to come see Return of the King with me, hoping maybe at some point during the three-hour and 21-minute runtime. Is that one?

The last 45 minutes are just all the endings. So many endings. So much jumping on the bed. It's like when you beat a video game sometimes when they go to every land that you've conquered and the fucking... That's when I just turn it off. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

So maybe during that run time I could muster up the courage to hold his hand Or maybe even Oh shit He was the Aragon to my Arwen The Samwise to my Rosie The Mary to my Pippin God damn!

I wanted him to go all the way to Helms Deep If you know what I mean I do not It's weird As Sophia was reading that everyone turned into skeletons. Just every last one of us are now.

You know who's at Helms Deep? It's John Reese Davies. Oh, was he there? Yeah, dude. Making all sorts of moose lamb comments. He was. Literally the least sexy part of that whole movie.

Oh, you're hitting it Helms Deep. Anyway. I almost made it. I always made a more disgusting one and then I just was quiet. You're smarter than me. Keep checking your Coca-Cola. in a fancy bottle

this was my inn anyway he agreed and we walked to the theater after school as it was right down the street we flirted and I thought things were going pretty well until being the LOTR super fan that I was I was very moved by the last hour

or so of the movie wrapping itself up yeah the last hour is it I'm talking sobbing when the Eagles came to rescue Sam and Frodo I laughed out loud union of the fellowship. Snots everywhere

when Erdogan is crowned king of Gondor and full on weeping when Frodo leaves Middle Earth for the undying lands. Needless to say, I remained a virgin for another seven years. This was my exact reaction to the social network. I think by the

time Return of the King had come out, I was too old, and at that point I was rolling my eyes. This was me for two towers. The ego. Have you guys ever blow it? it by crying uncontrollably about hobbits in front of your crush. Are there any movies that made you look

super uncool in front of a potential partner? Thanks for everything, you guys. Moira. I should say right now, it's Sophia Moira is the middle name actually. No, but I like that name. Yeah, no, I went to see two towers

in costume with the guy who was my crush for all of high school, who was with his girlfriend. Nothing happened. With his girlfriend. I dressed up as Galadriel because I thought that it would make him notice me. Who was that?

Who? Is that Evangeline Lily? No, that's the other movie. Yeah, I nailed. Oh, man. This is so not my eye. You got to use actor names with those movies. No, but trust me, you've got thousands of people screaming. Finally, someone sees me.

I figured I would just bring it to the people a little bit. I only saw two towers once, and it was in theaters, and I had the flu. like full on motherfucking flu, shivers in the theater. And you had to go out to the movies? Everyone thanked you. Yes, they did.

Everyone shook my hand when I was leaving. Thank you. But no, like, I was like dying, but I was like, it's the opening weekend. I have to see it. Yeah. And then I saw it and I never saw it again.

Yeah, I didn't feel a fucking thing during those movies. I didn't need it. I was going to say, I forced Andrew on an ill-fated double date to see the Mothman prophecies. You certainly did, buddy. I was going to bring that one up.

That did not end well. And I was very embarrassed. It was one of those like... I did not dress up as Richard Geer, so... I was dressed up as the Mothman, so you totally screwed our doubles costume. Anyone else cried during a movie or have seen someone... Anything been ruined by crying during a movie?

I would respectfully not mention all the time... ...movees that we've watched together, Stephen. Did you respectfully not mention? I'll mention that right now. Wing the podcast fifth. The respectful part is that I'm not mentioning the titles. That's fair. I'm a big movie crier, but most of the movies that we saw in theaters for like the first

few months that we were dating were terrible. So that really lucked out. But right before we started dating, we went and saw Brokeback Mountain, which I cried at. But I think I managed to keep it together. There's this video on Facebook that circulates sometimes of people getting surprised by puppies. And I've seen it about 17. times and I cry un-controlledably every time and I think it makes Chris question why he makes me. No, I'll cry. No. You could be like you could

murder scores of people on camera. One dog gets touched, forget it. I lose my mind. I cried. What was that, oh, that charming and delightful time travel movie we saw in theaters? About time. I wept like a baby at the end of that movie. Good Lord. I cried a lot at that too, but we had been together long enough. By the The first movie I remember being like, oh, I hope that this isn't weird, was stranger than fiction, the Will Ferrell movie. But even then, we had been dating like four months, maybe five months. Yeah, there's a little bit of a tear up moment in that, though.

I was crying during this Bill Nighi movie. You were like, oh, I'm stuck with what? No, I was probably crying just as bad. I mean, everybody feels, you know, moved after underworld. But Eric and I started dating. We saw a lot of midnight movies. Oh, great movies. Sure.

Man, they were hard to stay up through. So I definitely dozed out a couple times. We saw Night of the Hunter. Night of the Hunter. That was great. Battleship Potemkin. Potempton. Tell about Sunday afternoon.

Yeah. No, that's actually a good call, Steve. That's a good Sunday afternoon movie. It is. I think we saw like a 9 or 10 o'clock, but it definitely stretched into the wee hours. Was it a thing where it was like some like trippy late night score accompaniment or something? No, it was just the OG Patampkin. No, that was at film form and it was like us and like one scuzzy dude.

Yep. Yeah, you know what that checks out. You could fall asleep at film form so easily though. It's just like you'd just go right to sleep. Yeah, until you have an old man chewing right in your ear. Oh, that guy's always sitting next to me. This movie's great. I'm wrapping his sandwich from home

No, we don't do that We do not do that I thought he would do a piece of fish No one wants to read the poop stories Well, I think we should switch to guys for those That's what I meant Yeah, take us away, Steve Okay, so I'm going to go

It's School Bathroom Story Nice Hey we hate movies I really enjoy a podcast That's great Blibety Blow next You asked for stories About a school bathroom

This is a story about how I met my best friend through a humiliating bathroom story. It's how Chris and I became from it. That's weird. Did you write in, dude? In my sophomore year. In my sophomore year, I had a shop class. The shop class was held in a separate building from the rest of the school and its own bathroom that connected to the classroom. Get those kids in another building. This meant that everyone in the class could see who went into the bathroom and went. That's a bad situation. The teacher split us up into groups to work

on a project and my now best friend was placed in my group. One day we were sitting in class when my friend comes to the bathroom comes from the bathroom all red and embarrassed. I asked what's wrong? You look freaked out. He said I had to go take a dump and it was a massive turd. I tried to flush it but

the water started coming back up. Oh man. I didn't want to be made fun of and I'd be known as the guy who clogged the toilet in class. There wasn't no plunger and I had to figure out how to flush the toilet So I reached... Oh, I read ahead.

No, all right. Steve, continue. I reached into the toilet. Brace for him, pass! This is amazing. And broke the turd up with my hand. He broke the turd up with his hand in the toilet water. We're all following along. You shall not pass!

I looked at him and started laughing harder that I think anyone... By the way, is there a sink in this bathroom or what? A shower, maybe? Yeah. Yeah. I looked at him and started laughing. Harder than everything I left.

Ever laughed before. And I said, So you didn't want to be the guy who clogged the toilet but you're cool with being the guy who broke up his turn by hand. He got a point, buddy. He has been my friend now for 15 years

and I never let him forget that story. I love the podcast and to give up the good work. John from... Oh, sorry, Josh from Florida. At that age, having a huge shit is a big deal. That gets you points. That is a hard turd. If that was the only thing breaking up,

and did he break up toilet paper, too? I want to know that. You'd probably have to stir it up a little bit. Josh followed. I hope there was some toilet paper at all. Follow up questions. Send in the answer. Oh, my God.

I was mercilessly made fun of by a group of older boys that always happened to be in the bathroom. Oh, these older boys made fun of me. When I was taking a dump, which always happened. When I was thinking like fourth grade, they're like, oh, he's taking his shit again. I'm like, yes.

Hey, he's doing a thing we all do. Let's get him. That's the thing I never understood. We all shit, everybody. No, we don't. It's weird, actually. It's actually weird. We had, and I won't name names,

we had a co-worker of mine, flush a toilet in a projection booth recently, and caused some of the greatest damage to this theater we have seen in the 16 years. This toilet, The toilet overflowed, flooded the projection booth. The water went down into the next floor, destroyed all these ceiling tiles. It made a pipe burst, flooded a theater, and just it destroyed like thousands of dollars in damage.

Thankfully, insurance is covering it, but this dude, it was just a gentle, innocent toilet flush, and it ruined the nights for, like, hundreds of people at the movies. Pretty great. You're going to want toilet insurance. Now, trust me, everybody. It sounds silly now. You're going to want toilet insurance. The next thing you know, four years from now, one flush, boom. Destroyed.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that was great. Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask. Anyone else I break up a turd by hand? No, I've never fondled feces like play. Well, actually. My high school was set up this way in Florida, though, so I want to know.

If you're from Miami, Josh, please write up. back in. Wait, like, they kicked all the shop class kids up to the next place. It was, like, shop and, like, the visual arts, like, anything that needed, like, stuff, like the kiln and other shop stuff. Different building entirely? Weird. All of the buildings were different buildings.

Oh, you had outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could go outside locker? Yeah. I've never seen them IR. They were also, like, like, maybe a foot by a foot because you don't have to put a cat, a coat in it. No coats. When I saw them for the first time.

I'm in the Northeast, I was like, wait, I thought this was just on TV. That's what we were thinking about you. Yeah, exactly. All right, last one. Who gets out? I can take it. There he goes. Take us home, Chris. W.HM. Melbad, the perils of pooping at school.

Yeah, this is a real problem. Yeah. Hi, guys. I can't believe I finally have something to submit to the old WHM mailbag. First of all, if it's a story about pooping, what took you so long? We're poop heavy here. It's not about movies. anything. It's a shit podcast.

Yeah, basically. We literally tried not to include poop stories in this mailbag, but we couldn't not. Because we can't read emails that are like, could you do an episode on whatever? You know, that's like half the emails we get. Yeah, so it's like,

more poop. More poop. More arresting. I would love more arrests. Has your mom been arrested right into the mail? Yes, thank you. Preferably on a holiday of some time. Really fucked your family up good.

I want to hear about it. Piss will do. I'm not picky. Oh, Chris Cabin's due podcast. Piss will do. In the recent airborne episode, Eric asked for stories about pooping at school. Hell yeah. This is why this is happening. Yeah, here we are. You're welcome.

This is a story. This is a story not about pooping at school, but is pooping at school adjacent. This is a story about pooping in school. Or pooping adjacent to school. A young man. During my junior year at college, our university opened a fancy new dorm training complex for our very mediocre football team. This fancy new dorm came with a fancy new dining hall as well. My roommate and I love to eat at the fancy new dining hall.

Oh, it's so fancy. Even though we had to drive across the campus and under a freeway to get to it, the dining hall. Under a freeway for this dining hall, come on. It was huge with tons of different food stations. There was a wall covered in those dispensers you see at Whole Foods, but instead of bulk wild rice or quinoa, they were filled with every breakfast cereal you could imagine. Oh, my God.

What paradise. And there was a cold milk dispenser with whole 2% and skin milk. No, no. Cold milk? Yeah, I like that. I like it. Oh, boy. I would drop there right now.

There was a station with soups, a station where you could build your own sandwich. Yeah, you're just describing a dining hall. Let's move. So far not very impressive. Guys, I'm curious about this, so let's go on it. You're just hungry. They had forks, knives, and spoons.

Right, no sporks? No, but they had napkins. Sparks are efficient. Someone carving your meat of choice. There was a grill serving two different main dishes three times a day. Jesus Christ. At a dessert bar with pies and cakes and brown,

all of this stuff. You skipped a bunch. I did. It's a fancy dining home. We get it. Very fancy. self-serve pizza station, motherfucker. Come on.

You get a pizza breakfast. You really wanted to hear about it? I did, Chris. I just wanted to hear Chris Kavan say pizza breakfast. I would love pizza breakfast. I also have to say there's a fruit and salad bar in case anyone was worried that they had no vegetables to eat. Everybody's so invested.

And all of it completely free with our meal plans. Needless to say, my roommate and I were in hog heaven. It was not free. Your parents are paid. Don't worry, buddy. Those meals are going to bite in the ass 10 years from graduation day. I'm still paying for. them all this is free world world but the side effect of all this good eating were the monster

brick shits not diarrhea but huge densely packed unbroken logs that would curl around the bowl in one piece welcome back to Chris Cabin's new podcast unbroken logs I've never shit like that in my life. Either before or since. By the way, this is a law. Now you're going to hear it all. It's a long email, man. I appreciate that he uses the same amount of detail to describe his shit as he did to describe

all of the options. Could I say this is a lady writing in? I was about it said it's a show. The listener's a thrill. This is a woman. Oh, wow. What a steamy idea. You're so bad. Steve is terrible. Thank goodness we lived in the old as fuck dorms with high flow toilets.

But what fateful day on our way back from stuffing our faces, my roomie gets the bubble guts. We were literally two minutes from our dorm, but she begs me to pull into the McDonald's just off campus. I didn't even get to put the car in park before she leaps out of the car and runs inside. I stayed in the car. Keeping myself entertained by playing snake on my Motorola razor. Setting the timetable right here. I like that. I appreciate that. Yes, thank you.

Which holds my attention for all of seven minutes before I go inside to see if she had fallen in. I knocked on the door since it was one of those single room toilets and say, Hey, girl, did you fall in or what? She immediately opens the door in a complete panic. Behind her, I can see water all over the floor and a giant turd roughly the length and girth of an adolescent python wriggling toward us on the spreading water. Oh. It's like sentient.

You know, this person's got a great blog somewhere, I guarantee it. I appreciate this writing. As I was standing there, another giant log was slowly slithering out of the toilet. Wait a second. Is it reproducing? Yes. It's like the host in X-Files. Meaning there was probably a third giant turd in the toilet still in there that was causing the blockage.

Well, I feel like somewhere that got Josh from Florida is like, No, man, you just got to get your hand in there. Hey, you know what? Problem solved, lady. Just wrap it in paper towel and just go in. There's your infinity gauntlet. Got to fist the toilet. Oh, no. No.

No one's happy. Oh, it's horrible. It's so horrible. I'm so glad we're here. Yeah. My roommate is freaking out, staring at me with eyes and say, oh, my God, what the fuck am I going to do? And I reply with the only thing I can.

think of, bitch, you better run. So we did. There was a back exit, so we slipped out that way, nonchalantly walked around the building, jumped in the car, and took off. That's how you do it. That is how you do it. Great plan. To this day, I am racked with horrible guilt, knowing that

some poor employee, most likely one of our fellow university students, had to clean up that horror show. Oof. Thank you guys so much for all the last four years ago. Someone recommended your Mrs. Doubtfire episode over on the, oh, no, they did in sight. And I haven't been laughing at you guys ever since.

Haven't been laughing. Yeah, Freudian slip there. Many a time have you made my chores, commutes, and hair braiding sessions more enjoyable. Keep up the great work. Crystal from Texas. There it is. Wow. Crystal.

What a tale. Feel the right in with other bathroom stories. No, no, not anyone. Just Crystal. And only shit stories. I mean, I've walked out of some bathrooms like Kaiser Sozo after he burns that house down It's the slow-mo, he's got the long hair

He's like, he killed their parents, he kills their parents' friends Like, I've done that More than enough times I know someone in IRL that's actually Had to reach into a toilet and deal with something like this Wow, a self-snaker? Yeah, yeah So I was after, I guess it was the summer after high school

And I thought about this the other day For the first time in 15 years I've been laughing for hours so she was like with this new guy and it was the first time she was staying the night in his parents' basement because we're 18 and not in college yet now we're talking and I guess you know she went and took a shit and after she shat it did not go down I don't remember all the specifics but I do remember her having to go in with her hand and she decided to take it out

what and right on the wall and try to stuff it down the thing that is a bad idea in someone's parents basement why would that be better not sure not sure you've been married for how many years

I told you I read this I read these the other day and it lugs back and I just start crying for hours thinking about it Amy, that's what happens when we read these emails and just unlocked parts of our brains that are like, no, somebody fisted a toilet one time. You know somebody fristed the toilet. Well, I can't understand is what's amazing about that is you are in such a dangerous situation. Because not only are like trying not to like have your boyfriend or whatever at the time have to like clean up after you, then his mom is going to get in there.

You know what I mean? Like the whole family is involved now. But I also don't think it went down the sink. I think it may have been a step into the toilet. into trash can as well. I guess I'm thinking about it more. Listen, if you do that. I'm like, I don't think that's worse.

Outside garbage at least. You gotta wrap it up like a mummy, man. Well, it was wrapped up. I believe there were several steps involved. So there was a lot of toilet paper happening. There were hands in toilets, which is just horrifying to think of. Wait, did they stay together? Yeah, they stayed together since they were eight.

I don't know, Bruce Springsteen did it. College. No, I think they're both happily married now. An infographic of like all... To other people that will, you know, take out their shit for them. Non-toilet fosters. I'm just imagining all the little spots

where it went like one, two, three. You know what I mean? Like, you're imagining a bathroom, like it's the sink, it's a toilet, it's a garbage. It has to be a bathroom. Yeah, that's amazing. Like those crime scene photos

that have a little number. Yes, exactly. Exactly. That's what I was thinking of. The tinted numbers. It's got to be like little slicks everywhere, right? Like, all like slick in the.

a sink, a little slick, you know, like... Well, the crime guy had to take swabs. Yeah, right. The actual logistics of moving shit from a toilet to a sink is... That's flexing. That's horrifying. Yeah. That's horrifying.

Yeah. Well, thank you to WHM listeners for letting me laugh for a couple days. There you go. There you go. And I'm sure Nick Rad working as our producer today is very happy you signed on to produce this episode. It's got to go on the resume. No, no, the shit, the shit one. It's the one that got him shut down by the government. Yeah, that's that one.

Well, that is WHM Mailbag for the month of April 2018. Thank you so much, ladies, for coming and hanging out. This was a lot of fun and a long time coming. And I would just like to say, as we reach these milestones of patrons and shows and whatnot, thanks to the four of you for putting up with the fucking bullshit. Yeah, man. This show, it's greatly appreciated. and it is not

unnoticed. Living with us is like crushing a turning in your hand. No, it's a chore. It's a chore. It's a chore. Thank you all. So until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Chelsea. Eric Siska. Amy. Steven Sadek. Jennifer. Chris, Cabin. Sophia. Take it easy.

There it is. Shit story. That was a hit-gum podcast.