We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Horrendous Movie Theater Cleaning Gigs, Using the Toilet at Rock Concerts, and Deadly (Possibly Illegal) Amusement Parks

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

On this month's Mail Bag, the gang welcomes friend of the show, Ben Worcester, to read letters covering topics like grade school bullies, rotten stenches in movie theaters, having to "go" while at a rock concert, and more! PLUS: The TNG cast gets distracted by a certain cast member's... Member. There's only one Mail Bag left this season, so get your letters in now for the July edition! Write to: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin, alongside Steven Zadak, Eric Siska, and joining us in studio, our good buddy, Ben Worcester. How are you, sir? Fan fucking-tastic. Really? Yeah. Why is that?

Well, you know, I'm a fan just like any other We Hate Movies fan. You're also our friend, though, so you can. be on the show so it's kind of weird I'm I just conned my way in here I'm friend fucking tastic is what I am there we are like that

so we're going to read some letters to you gentle listeners out there and the cool thing is some of you listening may have also written in oh oh that's how this works yeah dude we don't just make these up and you'll either feel the

the adulation of acceptance or the sting of rejection. Wait till the end to know for sure. Four of the five of these stories are fake. Wow. Try to guess which one is truth. I'm Jonathan Frakes, and this is beyond belief factor fiction.

Was that all about like stuff being fake? It was like the gimmick of the show was they... Unself mysteries, but we ran out of one, so we made a fake one. It's basically like we tell you five stories and you watch the filmed reenactments and you have to guess which ones are made up by the show's writers or based on like some article they found or something. In any of those episodes, he's like one of these facts. Am I hung like a horse?

I guarantee you that dude's pack. He's got a huge cock. Really? Jonathan Franks? Oh, yeah. That's why he has to put his leg up all the time. Exactly. Because that fucking third legs just tripod and out.

He's got to get like a cod piece and spool it up. Like sometimes they serve Italian sausage all that's sput. He's got to unspool his dick Oh, Spoole Dick. Oh, do you ever saw that? Oh, Frakes Fuchs. You never saw that deleted scene from NextGen? I think it's on the third season extra features

where it's Patrick's just like, where do we have to go into the new? Jonathan, could you put that thing away? I'm trying to do a scene. Now, I know it's not out, but I can see the outline of it through the fucking spandex. Spinao, look at that dick. Tell me you can't see that.

It's getting second bill over. you, Mr. Data. Look at that thing. Look at that. It's a character. What are we naming it? If it's going to stay here, it needs a name. Michael, it's got more ridges than you. Oh, yes, Captain. It's ridged for pleasure. Ribbed? Ribbed.

And you know, for more fun Star Trek jokes, you might want to check out our Patreon, where we have a Nexus, where we do Star Trek jokes all of the time. All the ding-dong day. We have a Nexus, which is a Star Trek podcast. podcast. Just let you know, you're not going to go make eggs with William Shag. It's on patreon.com slash we hate movies. Tea, Earl Grey, cock. I mean hot.

Put that thing away. God damn it. Oh, man, do you think the replicator could make a dick? Good question, right? Yeah, yeah, I know. You could just say, uh, human penis, please. Yes, we're our generous guests, uh, which feed off of human flesh, of course. It's a planet of cannibals. we're having dicks in a blanket.

I mean, it stands to reason if you could replicate like a chicken breast, you can replicate a car. Oh, big time. They should have done Halloween episodes on Star Trek. Wait, listen. Oh, my God. Like, Roseanne, Home Improvement, all those shows,

like your 90s sitcoms that did Halloween episodes. That's a great idea. But also that just made me think, like if you're dying to bust the nut and the holode deck as someone else is already in there, you're using that replicator to make some unsavory things to fuck in your quarters?

Absolutely. Of course. Yeah, you can make all sorts of fleshlights. Let's get to the letter reading. Sure. Well, now that no one's listening. I will start it off, right? That was your intention?

Okay. How gold member tormented me during my adolescence? Member. Oh, yikes. Member. Hello, W.H.M. Boys.

Uh, back in, back in the 2002, I was a portly fourth grader, uh, 2002, fourth grader, man. Oh, man, I feel fucking horrible. Uh, I was a portly fourth grader stoked that, that a school year of fat jokes was finally over. Oh, God. I'm sorry, kid. Uh, and that a solid fat kid summer had finally begun. Good for you. Oh, those sweet fucking three months.

We are talking homemade Armenian sweets from grandma, late night. Soul Calibur 2 and Shrek Super Party sessions, which I imagine is a Mario Party sort of situation. Yeah, that was a video game. I think there was like a brief flirtation with Shrek video games. Shrek video

games. Mr. Data. It's just asinine. What is Soul Calibre? I remember that but I never played a fighting game where people have enormous swords and cut each other. Yeah, but there's like a skeleton and pirate and shit.

That wasn't the Zelda was in that one. Yeah, what was the game? That's the, you think, the Super Smash Brothers. Right. What was the game where there were like Disney characters

and shit? Kingdom Hearts. Yeah, what was that about? Was that like a ghost story? Like, were they in like a haunted house or some shit? I have no fucking idea. Asking for a friend.

I don't know. What were you doing in Kingdom Hearts? It was an RPG. It was an RPG. Yeah, that's why. had no interest. Goofy cast spells and shit. Yeah, I don't know.

But Soul Calibur was a bunch of people fighting each other with swords. Oh, with big swords. Gotcha. Um, okay. So, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Shrek Super Party session. Sorry. And of course, going with my brother to the movies to beat the heat

and avoid doing actual physical activity. You got that straight. Beating the Miami Heat at, uh, no. Uh, we were lucky enough to catch a screening of the classic Austin Powers three gold member. Yipes. Uh, I think I believe it was a Austin Powers 3 in gold member, am I right?

It's Austin Powers in gold member. There's no numbers in any of those. It's Austin Powers International Man of Mystery. Austin Powers. In the Spy of Shagme. I think In is also in that one. It was my first experience with a franchise and I couldn't get enough of it.

That's the only way you can like that movie. Yes, if you only saw a gold number, which my God, that's a world I don't want to know. We saw it several times. We saw it so many times that my grandmother even gave it a glowing review of it's cute um what unsurprisingly when the school year started again

and a bunch of kids in my grade had also seen the movie but surprisingly none of them ran with any fat bastard material instead the bully was stuck with the goddamn mole guy oh the uh is there guy on the mole on that movie Fred Savage I think right and he's got like a mole and he's like the mole in the organization and Dr. Evil can only say mole when he sees

Yeah, and he's going like, molly, moly, moly, molly, molly. Oh, wow, yeah. If you remember parts of that terrible movie. Now, along with being a bit of a butterball, I have a sizable scar on my hand that just happens to resemble a mole. Wait a second, it's a hand thing? Yeah. You're making fun of this kid for a mole and it's not even on his face?

Yeah, anything off the face doesn't count, I think. Yeah, I agree with you. That's bullshit. That's mole shit is what it is. is, much to my dismay, trying to explain that my scar was, in fact, not a mole fell out deaf ears, of course, because you're being made fun

of. You can't talk your way out of being made fun of. No, and also at this point, you're only in the fifth grade, so... Buckle in, it's going to be another miserable few years. But for what felt like in eternity, all I got was moly, molly, moll this, and got a chopin to

guacamole that and other timeless mole jokes. Man, that's the brilliance of Mike Myers, isn't it? Over time, the mole jokes came to pass, but not before the Geico caveman and puberty came along to kick off middle school and more unoriginal bully quips

taught me for years to come. What is that what's going to? What else could happen to this kid? Yeah, way to get fucking car insurance pussy. Did he get really hairy or something? I guess so or maybe he had a unibrow. Do we have an Encino man situation going on? Is this a caveman

writing in to we hate movies? Possibly. You know, cavemen, can adapt to high school better than people would think. And they can also go to law school. Oh, did that happen? This is that Phil Hartman sketch. Unfrozen Cakeman later. Sorry, I just, I re-watched part of Encino Man the other day.

Oh, nice. That holds up. Classic flick. Holds up. I was wanting to know if any of you had the fortune of having pop culture references disguised as insults thrown your way during child. childhood. Thanks for reading. I hope to see you guys at D.C. or Richmond in the future. Dude, just go to Baltimore, FYI, August 18th. Tickets already on sale.

Hop that train, Big Daddy. Michael, um, any, uh, well, uh, any, anything? Uh, pop culture things. This isn't a bullying thing because it wasn't relevant until I was an adult, but I often get, um, actually no, I'll tell two things. One, which I don't mind because I love them and it's, it's not a, it's not an insult really. But a lot of people, say they get a Ron Swanson Nick Offerman vibe from me, which whatever I love Nick Offerman.

The other thing I will get, and one time I was taunted as an adult by rowdy teens on the subway. I remember this vividly because it was fucking humiliating. I was on the 6th train. I was going downtown, and it's like a rush hour train, and it's like

really fucking packed. And then I get to once I was like 14th Street. Everybody cleared out. Keeps going. And I'm sitting there and you get that thing like you feel someone looking at you kind of situation. And I'm listening to the Tobolowski files. So I got that going. I got Tobol in my ear. I'm fucking

loving it. And I just feel like people are looking at me. And then I sort of like turn my head a little bit. What's that? Are the ghosts? No, I wish. Turn my head a little bit. So out of the corner my eye, I see some movement going on. And I'm like, oh, geez. Oh, boy, what's going on here?

So I pause the Tobolowski files while it kind of looking even farther behind me and it's like four teenage kids pointing and laughing and going, he looks like the motherfucker from the handover!

And they're screaming hangover over and over again. I guarantee you they were between the ages of 15 and 19. And you can't touch those motherfuckers. If they're on a different plane. That's why I'll never teach high school because those people are monsters.

And I'd be fired instantly. Yeah, I was humiliating. I got two quick ones that are that are from the high. Well, one, seventh grade, I remember this. It's not really like, you'll see you in this story. It's not like a, it's not like a visual gag. Sure. Some kid gave like a presentation in the seventh grade in like English class or something

about how, I forget how it got to the topic, but he was adamant that there was no other life in the universe. I don't know why this was being I only remember this because I objected I was like are you like if there's there's so much like how could there not be anything else at all

and then this kid was like hey you need to stop watching so much of the X-Files and everyone laughed and I was at that time I'd never seen the X-Files so I was so lost and by the way

I just noticed that kid from high school just started to follow my Instagram, so welcome to the party town. Oh, that, of course, is the infamous he looked like Shrag. Yes, yes, but that was an online bullying situation. Oh, right, this is an IRL, excuse me. There was another quick one about my, my, my abhorrent appearance where I was in like, it was like a study hall or something and there was like a school administrator woman that was

like the subbing it or whatever. She wasn't normally like a teacher. I think she was like an office person. Right. So in this case, it was a fodder for comedy. Sure. And one kid was like tormenting me that I looked like Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, wow.

And I definitely had his body shape at the time. And you were actually coming to school wearing a white tank top and a unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt over it, which didn't help anybody. No, it didn't. And slippers. And you kept farting and asking if anyone sat on a duck. I kept on telling people to relax No So and it was like

He was doing this right in front of this woman And like right in front of everyone And I was just like I asked her away And I was like do I really look like Rodney Dangerfield She was like kind of Oh man Wow

You know it doesn't sound like you're getting Any respect No respect at all Unbelievable Ben was the bullier Yeah, he was a total jock. Look at this guy. No, no.

One that I got, and it surprised me because it's just so stupid and so, this is, I got it from different people. Herbie the elf from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer special? No. That would have been my guess. That's very specific. And a bit cutting. Very specific. It's one of my all-time favorite childhood characters.

I would get slender man Where he wasn't invented yet And I went to three different high schools growing up So this was weird that it was a three Pete It was a three Pete Oh shit I would get Ben Gay Oh that's like a yeah

It's like the laziest insult But you have no defense for it Because the stupid product Literally says on the packaging deep penetrating relief. Yeah, you're not going anywhere. You're done. And your name is Ben.

You're done. My name's Ben. And okay, you got me. Where are we going from here? That's unfortunate, man. It's just like, at least it was a good barometer to know who I didn't want to spend any time. Yeah, that's a great way to look at bullying.

I was bullied mercilessly for years and years. I had bad teeth. They used to call me jaws. from the film, Jaws. Oh, really? Not from Moorraker? Yes. But also, side note, there was this kid

whose last name, and I won't say it, rhymed with Manelli, who was, and this is so fucking, I haven't thought about this in years, but now I'm thinking about it. Nice. His name rhymed with Manelli. Manelli, I believe, was the name

of the bad guy in the film, Blank Man. Damon Wands' blank man. Yes, I kind of think you're right. But not the Jason Alexander character. Maybe it was, I'm not sure. But at some point in the movie, Blank Man, in his blank man voice, goes, Manelli, you're dead, right? Yeah.

So everyone would yell that to him, but then take it up a notch. So they'd be like, Manelli, you're dead. Manelli, you smell like shit. Unfortunately, RIPD, it's John Polito was Manelli. That makes sense. But this would go on for months at this kid who's name. Manelli was brutally teased. When it ended was everyone was having a good laugh at this kid.

And then somebody, for no reason, just goes, Manelli, I'm going to sexually molest you in the closet. And everyone stopped everything. They're like, well, that joke's over. I don't know where we go from here. I kind of love that because I can't recall one myself, but I know if I've experienced it, were you witnessed firsthand the book on a joke closing permanently?

And you're like, Adios joke, that's the last time we'll do that. Oh, what a great thing to witness. It's like history in the making. Ben, you want to take the next guy there?

Seal it and wax. Put it on the shelf. W.H.M. Mailbag. What the fuck is that smell? Ooh, I like this. Okay. Good one for me. Hey gang

Started listening to your podcast Thanks to the near constant insistence Of another movie podcast a year or two ago And have been hooked ever since I managed to snag tickets To your late show in Portland The Good Show And in June

So this was what, June of last year Last year Okay Thank you for coming out There we go And absolutely loved seeing you do your thing live It's a totally different experience. There's a splash section.

It's worth coming out to a show. People are falling over. Oh, that's why they called them Jaws. And then you move up. You will get a tarp if you're in the first two. No, actually you won't. It's B-Y-O-T. Yeah.

Well, there you go. It's on the flyer. You've mentioned previously that a few of you used to work at movie theaters, so I thought I'd share something that happened when I was a kid and worked at one myself. Nice. Here we go. This was the early 2000s, and I was in Klamath Falls, Oregon for college. If you're ever driving through Southern Oregon and have an opportunity to stop in Klamath Falls, keep driving.

I certainly will. I ain't going in no town called Klam Math. How many Klam? What slams is that? Listen, if I'm going to have to do math, I don't want it involving clams, all right? With being clams, it's always subtraction, man. You're not adding clams.

Oh, no. Divide by diarrhea. Okay. This place is the armpit of the Pacific Northwest. Oh, Jesus. Them's fighting words. and consists of the tech school

a Walmart nice two gas stations sick four seedy strip clubs vacation to clam math and a movie theater where I worked

on the fourth corner of clamath the theater had ten auditorians 10 what this is a megaplex I worked in a 10plex A little rich boy over here And we dealt with all the usual crap

Drunk Hicks making a scene Got it People masturbating and or having sex During the movie Got it Parentheses one dude actually had the nerve To ask me if he could finish first Shut

As I was kicking him out, all right, this truly is the armpit of the Pacific Northwest. Hey, man, could I just shoot? Let me just, give me two minutes. Let me shoot. Hey, look, man, I know I'm in a late-night screening of Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. We'll just let me shoot. Oh, man. I mean, if there are movies to jerk off and guarantee, that was an empty theater.

Unshaven. You know, get it out of the way during the coming attractions. Oh, well, that. That's what they're there for. Hey, hey. There he goes. Coming attractions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm talking about. I figured it out. Comma. Old people who didn't realize that a movie about Dodgeball would be inappropriate for their seven-year-old grandkids. Also got that.

Et cetera. But one event in particular has been serious. into my mind forever. Oh, interesting. It's late. Was that sarcasm? No, no.

This guy took the time to write you a letter. I liked the way that Ben was unfolding this story and he took a breath and I was like, I kind of leaned in. I just chose to consider it a sarcastic comment and started laughing. That's all. All right, Ben, please serenade us.

You know what? I shall. It's late June. It's late June, and we get a complaint that there's a gross smell in one of the auditoriums. I've also been here. You know, this is just ringing all the bells. It's really freaking me out. After the show, we went in to check it out, and sure enough, there was a distinct odor emanating from somewhere in the back. Now, when he says the back, does he mean, like, the furthest away from the screen?

I think so, probably, right? Back into the left. It was JFK screening We looked around for some bit of old food Curious how we managed to miss something long enough For it to start rotting We couldn't we couldn't find anything All right so they're looking for old food

Didn't see anything So we sprayed the theater with Frize and prep for the next show That's the move Big time As one does Oh you half-ass cleaning themes up and down. We used to have a manager come in and he'd be like,

all right, we don't have enough time to clean this whole thing. So just shove all that shit under the seats further. We'll get it in the next set. There we go. You got it. That's a mom's coming to visit me at college. Better shove this shit under those seats.

Oh, I got all the porn omags. Good. Good. Holster full of a breeze. The smell didn't go away and continued to get worse and worse. Nothing we did seem to help. We shampooed the seats, scrub the floor, dry clean the curtains, but that awful rotting meat smell relented. This sounds like a dead raccoon situation.

Oh, I think. I'm not reading ahead, but this is just, you know, let's see where this leads us. It's an interesting fan theory. that raccoon was dead the whole time oh now here we go and by mid-August so we're talking summer heat right now August is the worst month

we're talking ripeness it had gotten so bad that we couldn't use the auditorium as a last ditch effort to salvage our theater we unbolted the seats oh my god row by row and hauled them outside to be replaced

Oh my god This is an expensive job And I've read ahead And I'm so excited The jizz that went too far Oh my God And it was then that we discovered the source Jiz baby

Oh Oh I just read ahead We're all Jiz babies But this one was made out of popcorn Oh no You fucking Jiz baby Monelli Ah And that joke died.

Yeah, that's the end of that. Here we go, fellas. We discovered the source. Someone, some depraved lunatic. That's an ad lib there, had cut open the back seat of one cushion and hidden a dead fish inside. What?

Did not check this box. in my career. I mean, it's called clam math. You'd look out for seafood. Oh, my God. That's where that smell came from. That is some sinister shit. That is a stinky armpit.

That reminds me of Steve, when you saw the secret window with the old lady. It might have been her. She was like, she's done with her fish and she shoved it in to the back of a seat. The previous episode's Secret Window. You should listen to it. Wow.

God. We burned that seat and put the rest back. Burned it. What else you're going to do at that point, right? It's a bunch of showers in the back. You're throwing a pyre. You know, a dumpster could have done that. You're totally right.

It wasn't haunted. Exactly. Ghosts fly out. So we threw a bunch of holy water on that chair and set it on fire. Evil magic. Oh, there's a fish in here, child. Fire ain't going to work. Ooh, you call me just in time.

Looks like we're going to have to do a full-blown exorcism on this fish stuff chair. I'm not making a fishing line through that portal in the closet. You got any tackle and ride, child? It's best to get it early start in the morning You do some fishing when it's dark outside Oh my God Oh

We burn the seat We burn the seat Put the rest back after letting it air out For about a week The auditorium was finally survivable again What's the worst quote unquote prank Any of you have ever been victim to Victim to that's specific

while working in a theater. Keep being awesome. Jesse in Vancouver, Washington. Oh, that's a Canadian prank right there. Involving fish. Oh, different animal. Totally different laws, totally different rules. Wallace up there.

Yeah, as the only person who worked in a movie theater, Chris Cabin is not here. RIPD, Chris Cabin. Totally. I don't know. Not a lot of pranks. A lot of me stepping in another human being's urine. a lot of vomit all over the place.

People just piss in a theater? No, that was the story I told once on the air where the dude and his entire family were stuck in an emergency hallway and he just urinated. He pissed in front of his family in his stairwell. Right, right, I remember this one.

Yeah, there was that. There was, you know, I will say, the thing that it was reminding me of was one time, me and Chris Cabin, and a bevy of other folks, cleaning theaters and whatnot. and the film Sea Biscuit had opened and we went into the theater

to clean sea biscuit one day and the theater smelled like shit and it wasn't any big mystery we went to the front row and a dude had shit and there was shit all over the seat not the seat back thank God

but just like shit all over this cushion and I believe the move this was a long time ago but I believe the move was to spray it with a frieze-like substance put a garbage bag over it and pretend like it was broken. Oh, fuck. That's, oh, now you're terrifying me because my local theater now has quite a few garbage seats. Oh, no.

Ooh, that's going to be a garbage seat for a while, child. Just put a garbage bag over it. Put some chicken bones on top of it, child. Because that seat's cursed with shit. No, yeah. No pranks, though. That's disgusting. I'm trying to think of other service industry stuff that I've witnessed or been a party to.

Not much, a lot of shit stories, which we know, we've talked about shit. Sure. Oh, man, speaking of shit, um, in front of the show, our buddy Jack from college told me one yarn or one of his friends. When he was working at Barnes & Noble, he was apparently a serial shitter who would shit in his pants and roll the turd down. down his leg and put it into a book and seal the book and then res shelve it

this dude's a mad genius right so then like you'd buy was it the joker it was Jared Letto's Joker yeah so I guess you'd like pick up a book and thumb through it and you'd find shit

or like imagine if someone bought that book no you can't you're not getting through the fucking register with a shit book come on I don't know if it's a rabbit

maybe like the pellet is really small if you get like a little pellet shit going maybe yeah first of all did they ever catch the guy um I think they're doing 30 at Rikers

that's it that's no this type of I feel like these type of crimes they just let people get away with yeah it's no that's just mischief that shit has to be avenged

I'm sorry public execution I'm serious man it'll certainly deter others from shitting books. Eric? Except for Jonathan Franzen.

Oh, nice. Take that freedom. That book sucks. Although I like the first two books. I actually, I like the corrections. I love correction. You're just baby. I like corrections.

I like freedom. Purity was the book that I couldn't finish. The only literary name that came to my head after what, five seconds of thinking about it. I could tell you were fishing. job so the next letter is entitled porn in the car nice save that one for you buddy yes expert on the subject i was listening to the witness protection episode and you guys were saying nobody stores pornography in their car which isn't incorrect i think we you know you shouldn't

i think is the idea or we hadn't encountered someone to do such a thing unfortunately i found out you were wrong in the worst possible way. Oh, man, learning shit the hard way. That stinks. When I was 10, I went to spend a week in the summer with my grandparents. Those born fiends. My grandpa was a hilarious guy who let me eat breakfast for dinner, took me fishing, and was generally really a great person. Except for his porno habit.

That and he also drank an entire jug of grocery store wine. You're nearly nearly every night. I see where this is going. But you know what, by the way, sounds right up my alley. Self-medication is up to you. Is that Koro? Are we talking Carlo Rossi? Oh, it's got to be.

It's got to be Carlo, dude. It could be sub-caro. Oh, God. Goro. You're going to sell this old man a sub-caro loan. Nothing with a little two, nothing wrong with a little two-buck, Chuck. Sure, man. The first, okay, so.

The first morning after my mom dropped me off at his house, we decided to go out for food. Myself, my grandma, and my grandpa loaded up into the truck, and then I realized that right in the front of the center console, right at my eye level for a person in the tiny middle seat of the truck, was a cowgirl in Daisy Dukes with her cans out for the world to see. Wow. So that means he's taping pornography up onto the car. Is that right? Was it a custom air freshener situation? Playing cards? Right in the center console eye level.

Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe it was that thing, that little bucket you'll get kind of a thing, you know? We have to assume this is an old man driving an old car. Yeah. Fuck you're right. It smells a little weird. This might be like a collage situation.

This man is a collector. No, it's like Danny. It's Danny. of his car and switchback. Yes. He's got all the fucking pornography taped everywhere. Yeah, that's disturbing. Wow.

Yeah, so as a kid who had never seen anything like that before, I just stared. My grandma laughed and told my grandpa that he should have put that away before I came to visit. Put my photo away. Look at my youthful cans. My grandpa said, well, it can't hurt. she has the same things so it's not like she hasn't seen it before oh yeep yeah Jesus Christ well first of all she's 10 years old so I'm not sure she has the exact same things but Eek maybe from a biological perspective a few years later when I was 16 my grandpa passed away

of cancer oh geez my white trash family decided to have a kegger in the parking lot of the funeral home now that that I'd like to see it's kind of awesome that sounds like a good idea it's listen when I go do it yeah fucking do it definitely kegstand kegstand on my

corpse stand corpse stand yeah we're drinking for hamaldahide right out of Andrew the way you would have wanted it man no cabin are you chugging we're all poison chug chug Bernie chug

chug chug Bernie chug and we all had to talk about our favorite memory of our grandfather. Oh, okay. That's very nice. That's what they were doing in the parking lot when they were doing the keg stands. Oh, and smoking a million cigarettes. Yes. One million cigarettes to smoke that night.

And possibly a couple of doos. Oh, right. Passing around it. It wasn't until it was my turn to talk that I realized that whenever I think of my grandfather, my first unconscious image I conjure is not of that old. Italian gentleman, but the busty half-naked cowgirl. Thanks for, thanks guys, love the podcast, Crystal.

Thank you, Crystal, for the letter and thank you for your grandfather being, uh, I don't know. He sounds like a great guy. A real American. I also wouldn't account, you know, just count like a fucking any old titty photo is pornography.

What? Yeah, but I mean, it's probably, no, it's pornography. Yeah. Do you think it was like a Italian art magazine? No, I'm just saying, I mean, like, there's like a nudie photo, like a topless photo, and then there's pornography. So, I got to look inside of someone for it to be considered pornography. I mean, I'm not saying there isn't art.

Yes, certainly. I'm just saying, yeah, you could masturbate to that. Which is fine. Especially if you could also masturbate to Red Book, dude. It's whatever you can make work. Tape it wherever you want, man. He's an old-timer. That's pornography.

Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right. that was hardcore for him probably that guy was around for the Scopes monkey trial he voted no he's just that old

so it's back then so think about how salacious it was for old times actually that's true also I love that apparently the grandmother was hip to the location of this photograph that's pretty great well that's the most telling detail of the whole thing

she's like she's hip she's fine she's like whatever you should have put it away like you know what I mean like listen crystal I think Ben's on to something that might have been your grandmother good one of it been oh

photos out again time to scopes the monkey oh all right this should be a humiliating tale subject cleaning shit off a roller coaster nice I saw your call for disgusting stories

by the way we're good just putting that out there yeah the quote is made man so I thought I share the time I had to clean shit off a roller coaster. In high school and college, I worked as a rides operator at an amusement

park in Ohio. I also briefly had this job. It was owned by Paramount for a while, and the big rides were named after movies like Drop Zone, which is a 315 foot drop. That's kind of like the Tower Terror. And Face Off, which is a looping

roller coaster that commonly makes people black out. Commonly? Nice. That's what you know. That's when you have your face off, dude. Oh, right. Right? You wake up with a different person. No, it's when you get the pictures of the ride at the end and you just don't see your fucking face.

Or your face is blurred out because you're a Japanese ghost. All possible. Oh, you were on the face off ride show. You're cursed forever. But I worked in kiddie land on the other side of the park. I was driving a small roller coaster. on an incredibly humid and busy Saturday. While people were getting on the ride,

I was scanning the queue making sure nobody was trying to sneak a baby on or anything like that. Sneak a baby. What? Like in your coat? I'm picturing like, my God, in Titanic. What's his name?

Oh, Billy Zane. Just two, yeah, it's two for the roller coaster. He's one of cinema's greatest cowards that character. Two kids... Billy Zane, one of cinema's greatest cowards. Two kids were pushing their way through the line and people were mostly getting out of their way. I didn't think much of it at first.

These kids came all the time and sometimes they quickly got out of line because the younger brother didn't want to ride. As they were crossing through the seats, I saw the older sister was profusely apologizing as she pushed her brother. through. I thought he had peed, which would have been fine.

Cleaning up pee was a normal day at work for me. Sure, as one would expect. But he had shit himself. Uh-oh. And it went down his leg and got everywhere. Oh, man, super shit. So this does not sound like the controlled shit of an

expert book prankster. I agree. That was a controlled shit. It was planned by the government. They decided to put shit in Barnes & Noble. Faces does not melt ceramic toils. I agree with Eric.

I agree with Ben, though, because Eric's story tells of, if it's true, you know, it's a second of the story, who knows. That's true. If it's true, it tells of a man that has so much control over his bowels. He can, like, drop off a little. Yeah, exactly, like pearls, you know what I mean? Perfect shit, pearls? Yeah. Because you don't want to over shit.

in a book. No, no, no, no. You don't want that to, like, squash out like a grilled cheese sandwich. I just got a theory, guys. This is the perfect crime we're talking. You shit at home. You formulate little pearls,

and you shove them back up your ass like you're smuggling drugs. And then, like, you kind of let's, like, wiggle them out. That's it. That's the move. I don't know that that's the perfect plan. But, like, listen, maybe. There's so much less artistry to that, though.

But, like, maybe he's got a good. I prefer a da Vinci. No, no, no, of crime here. I prefer thinking about this guy at home, clenching his butt back and forth so much it becomes like the super clench that way he doesn't even have to get those pearls way back up there

all fear the super clench uh hello super clench over here stayed up all night shoving the shit back up my ass super clench you're dead oh fuck as people started to scrap

ramble away, I realized the shit trail started about 20 feet back in the line and traveled through the line into the station, through the gates, on the seats, on the other side of the station, through the exit gate, and down part of the exit ran. This is like full diarrhea, this is diarrhea. This is diarrhea. This is a fucking, it's a fucking level five diarrhea attack. And I'm sure, I'm sure Superclinch looks at this is like amateur hour. Remember this is like Super Clinch's origin story They laughed at me then But I'll be laughing now Can't control my shit I'll control my shit I'll show you

I'll control it all You could put a dime on the top of a Ford Explorer And I'll hit that down I stood there dumbfounded for a while With two employees who didn't usually work in my area trying to think of how we were going to clean this up. Our ride was too small to make people throw up so we didn't have a hose or any way to spray down the ride.

For the next two hours, we picked up and washed off poop using gloves, paper towels, disinfectant, and cups of water. Jesus. Once we had decided it looked and smelled clean enough, we reopened the ride and went about the day like nothing had happened. Oh, something had happened all right. Something 100% happened. Number two.

I probably cleaned up pee a few days later, but that was the only time I had to clean up shit. Do you guys have any gross or terrifying amusement park stories? Marika from Cincinnati. Yes, so I have a terrifying story. I had mentioned this sort of on Twitter, and people are you have to put this in a mailbag. It's like, only if it's going to come up.

Really? I used to go to Action Park in New Jersey. Jersey. That sounds like a fake place. Ben knows what's going on. Oh my. Yeah, action park. You survived it. Ben doesn't know what's going on. He does. No, he does. It's a, it's kind of an, almost an urban legend in the Northeastern chapter there insofar as it is, it was a theme park that was designed for thrills. So people would be get, get injured all of the time. And like run by kids or some shit. Run by just, I mean, how do you know about this, Ben? I know. I know. I know. I know. things. What do you mean? It was designed for thrill. It was all like exciting rides and most of it was water based. So it wasn't just like, oh, cool, a water slide. It's like, here's a zip line and there's a fucking 14 year old boy who has no idea what's going on and letting you do a zip line. Oh, wow. He's like, Johnny Knoxville movie action packed. Yeah. Oh, action point. Action point. What is it? Yeah, it's based on this. That's what the story is about. Oh, really? Yeah.

Now that I know that this is based on a true story, I want to see Action Boy. I kind of want to do. He also gets messed up in it, as one would expect. Oh, is it a stunt movie? Yeah. But it's like a stunt movie with a narrative? I think so. Yeah.

Oh, weird. And it's Johnny Knoxville, like 40-something Johnny Knoxville still like falling on his face. Like this guy just be in movies. I like him fine enough. He can be in a bunch of supporting roles and fucking like direct to streaming action movies. I don't want him to get hurt. So it sounds like Adventureland if Ryan Reynolds got his dick stuck in a face.

It hasn't been doing well, but I feel like it's... Worth watching. Worth watching. So, yeah. So we would go every year because my dad was a bit of a thrill see previous episodes where he was a skydiver,

etc. This could do me. This is awesome. This is great. And we would go there every year. And I nearly died because... It was like, cool. As I said, fantastic.

It was like, oh, awesome. And I'm like, fucking 12. And it's like, oh, awesome. And I can't swim. I think I can, like, move around, but I can't swim. You know what I mean? Like, I still can't swim to this day. Really?

Yeah, I can, like, get around. Like, I've barely, like, made it to shore a couple times. Steve almost died in a fucking chicken fight in a lake. Yeah, that happened, too. There's a chicken fight in a lake. You know what chicken fights are? No. It's when you're in, like, a pool or a lake or whatever.

You throw a violent cock in there. somebody gets on your shoulders and then somebody gets on someone else's shoulders and you try to push each other down. Steve almost died doing that. You need friends for that. And I'm like, oh, cool, a water slide and what I know water slides to be,

which are like long tubes that deposit you into the water. Absolutely. That's a water slide to me. As advertised. This is Action Park. Better knives. Whereas, as Eric describes, it's a bed of knives.

No, it's instead of depositing in the water, it stopped abruptly. And you have no way of seeing this from the... What are you slam into a wall? No, you just fall into like 20 feet.

Like, you fall for 20 feet into water. Like, it's a slide for like seven feet. It like cuts off. It doesn't finish. What? Yes. And like, literally I had no idea because I'm just on this line

in an amusement park. Water slide this way. Cool. Got it. I know what a water slide is. And I get in like, and I just like kind of like fall. That's amazing.

the water like a brick and I think I black out for two seconds and I'm like oh this is my death I'm 12 years old here I go and I'm dead and luckily a lifeguard had to pull me out it didn't go it didn't get to mouth to mouth but we weren't that familiar but it didn't get to mouth to mouth but like I just got to pull out of the water and like recoup myself for like a couple of seconds oh my god I've known you for almost 20 years I've never heard that story action park man it's fucking for real is it still in business no they it close close down because literally people died. As soon as the 70s ended. I'm not that old. Yes, you are. No, we went in the 90s. It stopped. They opened it again like in the late thousands as a rebranded thing and it just didn't work. Kid died. Shut it back down again.

Well, we all saw this coming. It's like an ancient curse. It's like every 20 years a few people died. It disappears a little bit. Then it comes back 10 years later. Dude, it's Jason Vorey's Camp Crystal Lake. It was in Jersey. It was right up the road from

it was kind of right up the road from a great adventure there. Yeah, I don't know that I've had any like crazy wild. Steve just set a piano on fire and said beat that. Yeah, no, exactly. I mean, I can't beat it

but also I don't. We kind of did the amusement park thing. I mean, there was a place. It's now a six flags. It's like six flags, Great Escape, I think is what it's called. It's up in Lake George, New York. Sure.

I've been there once. that's the extent to great escape yeah that's my extent of everything of amusement parks of any kind oh really yeah I mean yeah I don't I don't I don't have it I will okay so maybe there's this it's like tangentially related to an amusement

park in 1998 we went on a family vacation we did four days in Disney World and then four days on the big red boat oh sure if you don't remember the big red boat that was like the Warner Brothers characters cruise lines it's all like Looney Tunes farting all over the place and whatnot I got lost on the boat one night coming back from dinner.

And that's the weird thing about a cruise, even when you're young. I was like 14 at the time. Your parents were like, yeah, just go wander. Yeah, sure, sure. It's not like someone's going to fucking throw you off. You can't go anywhere. Just go. Child unless you don't exist, you're fine.

Yeah, and I got totally lost, and I was in like some weird, like, back hallway. And I saw an elevator bank, and I pushed the button to go up and the door open. And it was clearly an employee's only area because it was the dude playing Marvin the Martian. Oh, really? he had the head off and it was just under his shoulder because he's just off work in a work elevator. It made you very angry.

I was fucking terrified. I was 14 years old and I knew that they were people in suits but just that image of a beloved cartoon figure holding its own head, I was fucking creeped out. It's unsettling. I will not stand for this.

Do we go for the last one? Yeah, do it up, Steve. Crowdsurfing. shitting story. I wish it was just about crowd surfing. Hey, W.H.M. crew, I just heard the triple X episode and thought I would share my first and last experience was crowd surfing. My friends and I head out to the Long Beach Convention Center for a good old Circa 2007 Lamb of God concert. Wow, that really dates everything. It was getting around the end of the night. And during the last song, I felt a familiar rumbling in my guts.

I had to shit, and I had to shit soon. I have a very special set of skills. I don't know about you guys, but I don't like shitting in arenas. So I held out, look, dude, you fucking cut a hole in the ground all shit in it. I don't care where it is. You just fucking get a chainsaw into a ground. I will shit in that hole. Man, I have no fucking errors.

Yeah, I used to have things about shitting. And I was like, oh, this is a delicate thing I do at home. or whatever. But then, like, we were traveling for the, I mean, I got over that soon after, but we were traveling recently for the show we do on the internet called WeA. Moons. Thank you for pressing play right now. I hope it listened to. I think we were going to L.A. and I got to Grand Central and I had to shit. So I shit at Grand Central. And then I, no, no, actually, that was my flaw. That's what it was. I did. I did. I did. I I should have shit at Grand Central.

I was like, no, I don't really need it. Maybe, but no, I don't really need you. I get to Penn Station. Oh my God, I shit at Penn Station. Wow, that's, for folks who aren't aware, that's a downgrade in the bathroom. It is, it is. But Grand Central's not that much better. I've had to shit there, too.

It's nasty. And then, on that same trip, boom, Penn Station, knocked off the list, did it. Boom. I take New Jersey Transit out to Newark Airport. boom I got a shit there too good God yeah dude it was a shit safari I was a tour of the worst

bathrooms in all of the tri-state area not fun at least you didn't have to take a shit of the port authority dude oh my god I would fucking eat a bullet I'll say that I mean that's the thing

is like the one place I don't think I could make it happen and yes like Eric said like as I get older too that wall's coming down sure Mr. Gorbitt have shit in my bathroom.

Exactly. But I don't think I could ever take a shit on an airplane. Oh man, I've shit on airplanes. Get out of town. How is that possible? Yeah, the pressure doesn't work, dude. It just goes back up.

Talk about a super clench. Also, I mean, just the rooms themselves are so cramped. Like, I don't know how, anytime I'm in one I can barely piss in it I don't like standing in them to secretly smoke again if you give

if you cut take a chainsaw cut into asphalt and give me a tarp to drape myself so no one can watch me I will shit right there that's a skill it is I could

literally if you all turned around right now I would shit would shit would you shouldn't do a book would you shouldn't do a thing Would you shit into a theater? Would you shit on a roller coaster? I won't tell you.

He was never caught. That's true. We got to ask Jack if that dude was brought to Justice, man, because it's freaking me out. I don't know about you guys, but I don't like shit in the arena. So I held out. It's only for one song, and then it's a quick drive home. Has this person stated, what was the band again? It's Lamb of God.

Lamb of God, okay. Do they're like a hardcore band? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The band was half midway through Black label, which I'm sure is a huge Lamb of God song. and this guy behind me was jumping while using this was jumping while using my shoulders to push himself up the guy was pushing on me like wily coyote trying to push acme uh push an acme dynamite plunger uh this i thought was the universal concert language for i'm trying to crowd surf so i shook the guy off and used my rudimentary hand signals to say do you want to go up there he shook his head enthusiastically and

I turned to help him up, but he quickly ran to the back, ran back to the larger part of the crowd. He returned with two other dudes who proceeded to lift me up onto people in front of me. Now, I've been going to concerts for a long time, being a larger gentleman, 6'3, 275 pounds. That's a larger gentleman. That is a larger gentleman. I have never had the inclination to climb onto poor unsuspecting fellow music lovers. So this must be like, dude, get the giant up there, man oh jeez it's hey hey get kevin and get brady it's going to have tonight we're going to surf the giant man exactly uh now i was terrified of getting dropped uh terrified of how i was going to land and terrified of shitting anywhere in between those two eventualities but cheeks in full clench one might call it a

super clench i was carried around to the front guard where a security guard pull me over over by my feet I ended up getting pulled out almost horizontally this kind of let me fall directly on my back under the bench he was standing on cue the Jim Ross suppression my God he's dead

I couldn't think of anything to do but lay there for a minute it fucking hurt and my back really hasn't been the same since eish arena staff noticed me laying there and ran over and said sir can I help you

are you okay I got a shit is what I replied. I got a shit. Yeah, you got like that backer? Yeah. I got a shit. That happened to me once. I was,

you got a shit once? No, no, I fell right on my back. I was, we were, my buddy lived, we're in the Bronx, we were going to sneak out of his parents' house to go smoke.

He lived in this co-op that was on top of a big hill that was like, on either side, it was a huge asphalt driveway. It had snowed the night before. there's a big snowbank. I was like, I don't want to step in this snow. So I jumped over the snow back onto the asphalt, not realizing it was black ice.

And it was like fucking home alone Daniel Stern. The second my foot touched it, I went right back up at twice velocity, went back on my back. And it hurt like nothing else. Jesus, that sucks. And then you shit your pain. But you got to shit. Two people helped me stand up, helped me stand up and supported me under my arms. They walked me like a sweaty, fat, ready to shit Jesus

To the dearest restroom I was grossed out to be there But the just got hit by a car feeling got me past it They carried me to the stall Said encouragingly, you got this And then they fucked off It was the most painful shit of my life It was a night that changed my concert going life

I've stuck to the back of the crowd at all subsequent events Do you guys have any embarrassing concert stories? follow up. Did you ever have to shit while in crippling pain? Love you guys. Love the show. Kevin from San Pedro. I think this might be the guy that did our did the new little theme song. Kevin

in San Pedro. Oh, you think so? I don't remember things. I think so. Well, thank you. Kevin. If that is indeed you, thank you for that. And thank you for this letter. Which is also a cover of a Hara, a bolt of light theme song. That's right. Embarrassing concert things.

one time I accidentally I was at a real big fish concert and there was like a the skanking circle was kind of like right next to me but I was avoiding it but like you want to do that yeah I'm too old to do that but like they're my favorite band

so I want to see them kind of closer and someone was like kind of pushing me from behind pushing me and I thought it was like trying to get me into the circle sort of a thing and I finally just retaliated and swung an elbow back Wow And I had

totally just elbowed like a little girl in the face Oh no I felt fucking horrible And I totally just went To the back of the club Like I'm just gonna sit at the bar

Now that's embarrassing Well you didn't want the fuss to get you Also the fuzz Yeah But I didn't have the force I had to go home I watched the whole concert So you were arrested later that name

That's right exactly I've done light moshing I already told my crowd surfing story You guys are monsters With these concerts This is like 1999 Like Steve Sadek was picking up change hard in 99.

Rap rock. Oh, rap rock was king, Ben. Do you have any amazing concert stories? Any silly ones? This says embarrassing concert stories. Have you ever shit while in crippling pain? Oh, here we go. Got something that qualifies with that one, I think.

Here it comes. One time. Oh, my God, he's shitting right here. I was camp. And I was relieving myself in the woods A number two relief? A number two relief and a bee stung my butt. No, what?

You're a cartoon? You're a cartoon? And now my bottom's big. You're a cartoon man. Jesus. It's true though, right on the left cheek. Oh, wow. That sucks.

Did you feel numb and stuff? I don't agree well with bee stings. Oh, no. Was it McCulley Culkin? That's how he went. Are you dead? If you don't post this story on Instagram, 10 times. Right.

What a creepy pos. Ben will sting your ass. Sting your butt. He's a boy that died from a bee sting on his butt. I say a bee because I didn't actually like see. Oh, it might be a wasp. I didn't see whatever it was that's done. It could have been a hobo bite.

It could have been a hobo bite. You just went, Ow, something, Bitt, man. He's literally something. And then I met the president again. Then Ben took a shit in front of fucking LBJ. I mean,

when you take a crap outside of Bohemian Grove, that's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. That is W.H.M. Mailbag for the month of June. If you want your stories right on the air, you have one chance left this season for the July Mailbag. We all hit.

Hatemovies at gmail.com. Thank you so much for hanging out, Ben Worcester. Oh, absolutely. Anytime, guys. This is a blast. T.J. Hooker Podcast. Dot com. There it is.

Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Cisker. Ben Worcester. Take it easy.