We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Movie Theater Bathroom Breaks, After Prom at the Movies, and Dads Ruining Movie Dates

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

On this month's Mail Bag, the guys welcome special guest, Jonathan Braylock, from Black Men Can't Jump (In Hollywood)! This month, we're talking: putting off bathroom breaks at the movies, kids ditching the after prom party to make out at the multiplex, dads ruining movie dates, and overzealous multiplex employees!  Be sure to catch BMCJ & WHM in Austin on Friday, March 10th at the North Door—Part of an entire day's worth of fantastic HeadGum programming! More info here. Have a question for the gang? Want a ridiculous story read on the air? Write into the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHM Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Steven Saitak, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska, and in the studio here at Headgum Eastern Brooklyn. Special guest, fellow headgum personality. Jonathan Braylock, how you doing, buddy? Yeah, I'm good. Thank you so much.

Thank you for having me. You dropped an Oscar episode? Yes, that's right. We did our, oh, I love that sound effect. That was perfect. We brought her on soundboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yes, we had an Oscar episode with guest, Phoebe Robinson.

who you might know from Two Dope Queens. Oh, cool. Oh, great. She also has that podcast, so many white guys. And, yeah, it was just us kind of talking about our opinions, all the different best picture nominees and who we think will win and, you know, just crapping on some movies. You'll be right at home with us. We should say, by the way, your show is, of course, Black Man Can't Jump in Hollywood.

That's right. Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. It's me, fellow co-hosts, Rob Milligan, and James III. And we're all going to be hanging in Austin in a couple weeks. for the Headgum Showcase there on the 3rd, the 10th. The 10th, March 10th, 7 p.m. You guys know what you're going to be chatting about for your part of the show? Usually we actually do this fun game show at our live show.

So basically we like, you know, kind of jokingly, but seriously test the audience's knowledge of black film. Oh, nice. It's real fun. And then the other thing that happens is we actually have like a secret competition between the three of us on who the best host is and who came up with the best game, the most fun game. We have the audience vote on who the best host is at the end of the show. Yeah, so turn everybody against

each other. Yeah, the whole idea is just discord and, you know, it's very, I think, very apropos for our political climate. It's cathartic to go in and hate people. So we'll just get right into it. Steve Sadek. You want to start us off with the first letter here? Yeah, a lot of these are a little romantically

themed as it's February, which I think is Valentine's month. Oh, yeah. It's more romantic. Well, that's what I know I'm celebrating. From the first to the 28th, man, every fucking day. It's not Black History. Yeah, it's not Black History. It's Valentine's Month. Yeah, I mean, look, it's about romance.

And romance fans all races and creeds. Way bad. Mailbag story, the worst possible date to the movies ever. Ooh, that's a tall order. Hi, W.H.M. Gang. And John. My sister has worked selling tickets at the box office of our local movie theater for years,

and she's seen a lot of shit. this story takes place a few years ago during prom season at the local high school it's about 9 p.m. on Saturday night when a hearse rolls up to the box office window the best story already it's been pimped out to look like a prom limo but it's obviously that it's still a her is it like the Ghostbusters kind of van is what they did yeah I guess also that like a prom limo versus a limo limo what are you doing did anyone do a limo we did a party bus no we did Chris Cabin's van We got him a chauffeur hat and he drove us to the prom.

I did hang one of those, like, things above the rear-of-view mirror. So I call it a party bus. I would rather get into a hearse than Chris Cabin's van. Same difference. Yeah, I guess you'll go into one after. There's some dad who, like, has had this hearse. No, no, no, you don't need a, you don't need a limo. I'm not paying up front of a limo.

You don't get in this hearse. I'm not spending $75 for three hours. You're going to get my hearse. It's the same goddamn thing. It's the family hearse. Out Pop 14s, two boys and suits and two girls in huge prom dresses with lots of makeup on. They all look around 16. The hearse leaves never be seen again, and the teens start making out on the sidewalk.

Nice. Not 20 feet from the box office. Awesome. A few minutes later, after a few minutes, they decide to purchase movies to a crappy horror movie that just came out. Tickets to a crappy horror movie? Tickets to. They wrote movies It's not on Steve

Oh, they're a bunch of like tech Billionaires We're gonna go buy some movies Uh da da da da da da da To a crappy horror movie That had just come out Think the Buy Bay Man quality It was an R-rated movie

And my sister's a good worker So she cards them The boys have IDs They're both 19 so they can go in My sister asks their dates My sister asks for their dates IDs And she's like oh they don't have IDs one of the boys says they're 14

ew and that's and that's in the letter is you and but also I'll add that to you yeah so what was the story here so these dudes are taking 14 year olds to prom yeah like seniors in high school yes yeah that's an i guess they're blowing it off to go to the movies to make out right oh yeah oh yeah all right is there a I mean I guess why would you get a fake ID to be 19 that kind of is like could you imagine they were like they were all 14 and they got a fake ID just to see rated our movies. It's just, it's rated our

movies, buying cigarettes and lot of tickets and voting. That's enough for me. I don't want to push it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need the alcohol. Like, I could, I could pull off 19. You know, 21 is a stretch. The question is, like, I grew up in the rock, so I

was never carded for a movie in my entire Oh, really? Yeah, like, never happened. I don't know. Is that something that happens? Well, I feel like, especially it because so many I feel like local theaters are being displaced everywhere. So like AMC and Regal like owns everything. Yeah. And they are pretty strict about carding.

Yeah. They literally sometimes they, I actually was, I had been carded until I was like, I want to say like 27. Wow. Really? Yeah. Like people would still, they'd be, I would try to go to me. I'm like, I'm out of college by this point. And they're still like, we think you might be 16 years old.

Oh my God. And then we can't let you into this rated R movie. We don't know if you can handle up. Like, you know what I mean? You can't deal with U57-1. My sister holds her tongue and explains the theater's rules. The boys can go in, but since the dates are under 17, they can't go because of the R rating unless their parent is with them.

You're all welcome to go to a movie that isn't rated R, my sister says. Okay, the first point said. I'll take one for the horror movie. He gets his ticket, walks, and sizes ditches his date without even acknowledging her. They were making out minutes ago. Wow, this dude is moving on. Boy number two gets a ticket for the horror movie,

but he stands with the two now very angry, underage girls, and they awkwardly stand around for a couple minutes. Well, by, the boy says as he walks inside. The girls are pissed, both having been ditched on prom night. One pulls out her cell phone, calls what I assume is her parents,

and they wait in their massive prom dresses, surrounded by cigarette butts and popcorn currants. Well, that's got to be a phone call, too. right because they're like wait where are you and we spent all this money for what and you're at the movie oh no you know what fucking stay there that's what I would do I would be like how long

was the movie two hours I'll pick you up in two hours there's your prom how are you gonna sit with those huge prom dresses so I know literally I was like there's so much to this story I do not understand who in their right mind goes after prom

to the movie that is so lame Well, that's why... Honestly, the lamest thing you could do. And I went to, and we went to, like, some crappy comedy club and watched crappy comic. Oh, my God. Oh, the group to go to the comedy club afterwards. Yeah, I've been there.

You always have to just find the kid whose dad has the lakehouse, and then you go ruin it. And then you leave. We did a hotel thing. Oh, God. I remember... It sounds so unappealing. See, but as a high schooler, that sounds super appealing. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. When you're in high school, you're like, we're going to have a hotel party? And I very celibately slept in a closet that night. Oh, no. Checks out. The girls are pit. After about about 15 minutes, after about 15 minutes, a red pickup truck rolls up. It's beat up rusted with an older white man and a wife beater in the driver's seat.

But he never gets out of the cab. Instead, the two girls crowd the passenger side window, and it's obvious that both the girls can't share the passenger. Love the details. So the dad makes them both sit in the bed of the truck. And he drives away and it's the saddest ending to a movie date in history. My question is, what's your worst experience of the movies with a date slash significant other? Thanks for the laughs over the year. And so.

Oh, that's a lot to the process. Pack in? Yeah. I can't. I mean, I still, I have to say, I'm like, I'm still not, even though I was making a joke, I'm still not completely told that these boys were not because whose prom was it?

Like if they're 14 and they're 19 how does that make any sense? I mean like I guess it's possible left back left back for like a year. It was like super senior prom. You know what I mean? Like they would happen. I guess that does happen but

but no it's the movies thing like why would you go are they ditching prom to go to the movies or is this the after party like? Also like are these kids dumb freaking buy a ticket to another movie and they go to this? Like we all know what to do. do in this situation. I don't

understand. I think you've never been in this situation before. They were left back. They were left back. There's the problem though. I think it's something to do with the costuming, right? Because you're like oh, remember when those four kids came in and bought tickets to U-5-7-1? And those big costumes, they have tuxedos and prom dresses? Well, they're not in that theater. Yeah, it's too

obvious. You'd stick out like a sore thumb. I just need to know what the slate is. Like if we're talking like a horror movie, like what else is playing? Is there like a nice, you know, big box comedy out there that we? kind of a thing. I just also don't understand like the transition. How do you transition from my plan is to make out with

this girl for the rest of the night? And then with one thing, I'm going to go watch a horror movie that nobody remembers with my friends for the night. Well, that's the thing is I need to know the title. That's a big problem in this in this email. I'm told to think

by by man quality. No, tell me what the movie is. Kind of crazy because there's so much detail in the movie. Like literally literally they say right before that not 20 feet from the box office. I'm like, so you know the measurement of where they are, but you they're talking about their father's shirt.

The truck color. I could get this guy arrested, but I don't know what movie that they're going in. I've seen the terminal on a date. That was enough. That was really enough. That's a bad. That's a bad movie. Yeah, it just was not. Like Tom Hanks eating ketchup packets. Yeah, it wasn't

terribly sexy. No, there's not a lot that's sexy about the terminal. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, not much. I mean, like, I'm trying to think because I definitely don't. I just feel like a movie date is just a kind of a bad idea in general. Yeah. Like, especially if it's like one of your first dates. I did go on a, I went on a movie date to see up, but that was actually, that was great.

That was a great choice on my part. That's kind of a perfect date movie. Yeah, Pixar's good. Pixar's good for that. And that one specifically, like the first 10 minutes, like everyone's just sobbing. Yeah. It's perfect. And then there's talking dogs

Yeah, exactly So I don't know I don't have one I don't remember what It wasn't anything about the movie specifically I was on a date at the movies one time And the girl I was with Asked this dude behind us to be quiet

Because he was like talking the whole time And this guy just started screaming Like that he was gonna murder us Oh my God And he's like, you're in Brooklyn now motherfucker You're in Brooklyn now motherfucker And I was like we're in white planes We're in the suburban multiplex.

What are you talking about? It was kind of chilling. I've told my deeply demented gone girl story where a like three-year-old was in the theater. And during the big Neil Patrick Harris gets murdered scene, she was like running in the front thing. Yeah, yeah. And I was just like imagining the serial killer

that she'll become one day. That was kind of the most disturbing one, I'd say. I once saw Roshaman on a date. and we all remember that night differently. Oh, come on. That's fucking terrible. No, but that actually did happen, but I think we all remember it the same.

But there was that story I told on, I think, our SWAT episode when I saw in Bruges. Oh, yeah. We were eating popcorn, and behind me this older couple, definitely dead by now, which is great for me. Yeah, you would. They were so angry at us for eating popcorn and making, they said, noise during the movie.

Uh-huh. And I got into it with this guy. I was like, you're yelling at us for eating popcorn. And then like I said like, oh, I told them to go fuck themselves. That's what that's going to ask. And then like, he didn't hear. That escalated very quickly. And he didn't hear what I said.

And then his wife was like, he told us to go fuck ourselves. And he got up and tried to fight me. Yep. Did you take him down? I said something about, I go. You said try it old man. Yeah. Try it old man.

Yeah. Wow. That happened to me recently. I went, like, just a couple of weeks ago, I went to see a movie, and my friend was, like, open, it was, and this was, the previews was happening, and he was opening a bag of Twizzlers, and the woman next to us was like, and I was like, I was like, we literally just looked at her and he was like, okay, and then he, like, continue to open the bag. And then I was also like, this is the previews. Whatever. We keep watching the movie. As we're watching movie. I'm like, I'm eating Eminem's, and she goes, she just turns to me and says, you eat after the movie? And I literally just looked at, I just looked at her, and then turned around and just started eating again. I was like, you're not, lady, you're definitely not going to win this fight.

Let me tell you right now, the whole movie theater industry is built on concessions. You are not going to stop me from eating my Eminem's. No way. Like, also how, what are your ears like? Like, that is what you're focusing on. When a shoot's bitten by a radioactive spider on the way in, so she was having a lot of... She's still trying to deal with that whole chain. Now I feel bad.

If you have such a problem with the moviegoing experience, including concessions, and I know it's gotten out of hand lately with pizzas and nachos and whatever. Right, right. But stay home. Yeah. If you're so offended by food in a movie theater. You've got to stay. I mean, I also feel like the previews, you're cool.

Like, anything you could do, like, you could do like light whispering during the previews. Like, that's totally fine. Yeah. The movie starts, you can be quiet. But you're eating food the whole time. Yeah. You're eating food the whole time. Especially if it's movie theater sanctioned food.

You're just eating popcorn and fucking M&M. Yeah, I was like, I literally, I was like, and she didn't say anything after her, but in my mind I was thinking, there's zero way you're going to win this argument. Do you remember what the movie was? It was actually the insults, this foreign film. Oh, yeah, good movie. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, she's not missing any fucking dialogue. She's reading everything. Exactly. Yeah, that's actually That's a great point It's all subtitle. How much noise can an M&M make? That's my question.

Have you seen those commercials? That's a good point. Well, maybe that's the thing. They were peeing at Eminem. Oh, okay. That's right. Yeah. There was a little bit of a crunch.

We'll go to on MythBusters, figure it out. She's never actually bitten into an M&M because they've always said melting your mouth. So she's just always allowed them to melt in their mouth. You're eating those M&M's wrong. Anyway,

Chris Kavan, Why don't you take us into this next letter? Right. Valentine's mailbag. I forced my food poisoned boyfriend to see Indiana Jones in the kingdom of the Christmas skull. That's messed up. That is really. A double-messed. Doubily messed up.

Hi, guys. Love the podcast and have been meaning to write in for a while. What took you so long? You want to go and get them? So when you asked for romantic stories for Valentine's Day, I figured I would share my romance-adjacent's story. approximately 10 years ago two very important things happened in my life. The first was that they announced

a new Indiana Jones movie and the second was that I started dating my boyfriend in that order. Wow, that first part was that big of news to you, huh? Slow news year. Wasn't it huge when that movie was I thought that was a huge deal? Read the next sentence, Chris.

It's going to change everything. I am a huge Indiana Jones fan. There you go. Yeah, so am I, but the most of us went, ah. and even went so far as to driving to Connecticut from New Jersey to try to be an extra in the college

chase scene. Oh, wow, that is a hardcore fan. You just wanted to see Shaila Boothing. Is he even in that scene? Yeah, he is. He's driving a truck around or whatever. That's sort of something. Man, I forget a lot of this movie.

That's totally fun. Yeah, I think it's a little, I think it's how I'm coping. You're supposed to. You're supposed to forget it. I wasn't picked, which boned me out at the time, but now I would make you shout out with joy, I would imagine.

But it was probably later a blessing in the sky. Exactly. Meanwhile, I started dating my boyfriend in the fall of 2007, and after six months, things were serious enough that he invited me to meet his mother in Myrtle Beach that spring. Ooh, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Never been. When you want a fucking bootleg t-shirt and some sub-part chicken wings

at a chain restaurant, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Who are you? Let's go there tonight. I was excited that our relationship was progressing and even more excited that the trip fell during the premiere of the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Great, I thought. We can see it together at a midnight showing.

Remember that when that was a thing? Yeah. You had to see the movie at midnight. No. Never do it. Yeah, it's like all where 7 p.m. You go to that midnight show at 7.45. I can't do midnight.

No, no, I can't see that. we buy the tickets and all seems well fast forward to that night where we as stupid college idiots decide to get sushi from a random place in Myrtle Beach Hill Welcome to the sushi You're ready for some South Carolina sushi

Oh God It's just like poorly dressed shrimp poppins Hush puppies Wrapped in rice Oh God It was a bad sign of the restaurant's name was the diarrhea factory. I'm doing a spot there tonight, actually.

My boyfriend is immediately hit by food poisoning in a pretty graphic way that looked and smelled even worse than I could believe. Just say shit is pimps. Yeah, yeah, just come on. Bommit it on the table. Let's just do it. But what about the movie? Written like that actually.

Just for those at home. Yeah, that's what all those capital letters meant, I thought. I think to myself so dedicated to my years of waiting for the fourth Indiana Jones So instead of being a better person And attempted to go by myself Or exchanging the tickets

I forced my semi-conscious boyfriend To go along at midnight Because I truly believed The goodness of the movie Would outweigh this sickness boy You are up a river I'm cured Oh God

And he would think, and he would thank me in the morning. Good luck on that. Baby, thank you so much. I was throwing up the entire time and everyone was very disgusted by, but thank you so much. You know, it was so crazy. I was sitting there, sweating profusely, shitting blood. And then when I saw him land in that refrigerator or whatever the fuck happened, I was instantly cured. Yeah, my sickness went to the space between spaces.

That moment that CGI gopher popped up. Seeing Ray Winstone sweat like that It just made like my asshole Doesn't feel like a rainfall is coming out of it Well, I'm sure you can figure out That it was very sad, very sick late night And I felt absolutely awful afterwards Both for myself for having my dreams crushed

First and foremost That's hilarious Oh my God What about the movie? She's a movie fan man fan of a movie. And for having dragged my poor sick boyfriend along with me. Yeah, yeah, sort of kind of.

That's in parentheses, by the way. It's an afterthought. Yeah, yeah. Luckily, he didn't hold too much of a grudge and we've been together since then and married for the last four years. Wow, now we're talking. And thank you

for all the hours of entertainment. Thank you. Katie from New Jersey. Katie for New York. We appreciate the kind words. We do. I got food poisoning from being the stupidest person in the universe. I was

both faucets running at the same time. Oh, it was a bad one. I was in Chicago visiting some friends. They took me out to a nice birthday dinner. They're like, hey, whatever you want, man. I'm like, I want the salmon raviol. And it was actually delicious. The problem was I got leftovers and put them in my friend's car. And then like, we went out drinking more. And then I'm like, ooh, midnight munchies.

And I, yeah, and that was it. And like, it was like the next, the rest of the vacation was kind of really. I mean, if we're going to talk about this. Yeah, let's talk about this. I was, uh, me and my friend Rami were on, we were doing college shows, like some comedy shows at colleges. We were on the road and we stopped at a Wendy's and the, uh, they had just introduced, like, some like double cheddar.

Like, it was like, anyway, basically it was essentially, it was essentially a burger with, like, nach cheese on it. Oh, it's from the, like, I dare you menu. Like Wendy's comes out with those sandwiches. just like, I fucking dare you. It's exactly right. That's exactly right. It was like bacon, like literally like nach cheese.

Like, and I remember, and it's funny because I'm thinking about it and I'm sick now. But at the time, I was enjoying the hell out of it. Oh, of course. Yeah. And we're driving. And then first it was just like, Rami turned to me and was like, you are you farting? I was like, yeah, man, this is, yeah, this is bad. And we're like, riding with the windows down.

And then eventually I was like, I got. to go to the bathroom so the next exit and he was like yeah yeah sure sure and then I was like actually I don't know if I'm like we gotta go and he was like okay okay and so we like we pull over

and we like find this gas station and I like run out and the gas station is closed I go to the bathroom and the door is locked and I was like this is happening right now and just on the side

yeah oh the side of the road side of the road I literally was like Oh and I was like looking for leaves I was like this is what I This is it This is my forefathers How they did it

When the alternative is shitting your pants Yeah oh yeah Oh my God It was just like running through like all your life choices That have brought you off your life Oh absolutely you're sweating like Here I am on this like stand up tour Shitting on the side of the road

What is life even you know What are we doing? We're all animals All this these are all what is this built this is a construct yeah totally there's already a double cheeseburger why did I have to have the nacho cheese oh my god I think I kind of remember that burger yeah it was like it was like double it was like double melted it's not there anymore yeah no shit too many people shitting in the street after that menu item was introduced uh uh all right let's see

Hitchcock and Hiroshima chili oh this actually segues well into this story On a ton stay. Oh, boy. Okay, dear W.H. I'm going to take you back a few years to the good old days of 2005. I had my heart set on asking this girl, Sarah out, but I knew that I had

to bide my time. She had just been through a horrendous breakup with her boyfriend, and so I didn't want to get trapped in either we should just be friends or I need some time. Timing was of the essence here. We've got it all planned out. When I asked my picture of Sarah, She said it wasn't time yet.

Anyway, I waited a few weeks until Sarah was going to... Are you ready for me to date you yet? I approached the altar to Sarah. Anyway, I waited a few weeks until Sarah was in a good mood. And fortunately, she said yes. As I do with all dates, I took her to a movie. Not just any movie, but the classic vertigo, which she had never seen.

Perfect date movie. Yeah. Can we just real quick? No, please. I hope... I mean, this was 2005, but I hope... you're not still taking all your dates. The first movie to the movie.

First date to the movies is, it's just, it's, it's, it's not talking. You're not talking. You make no progress. Yeah, you get a dinner. Yeah. And then what if you like, what if you guys disagree on the movie? It's like, that's what you wanted to be about? Like, just, yeah.

It's just not now. They'll do it anymore. It's a good 50. Good five. Yeah. Yeah. We're getting comfortable here. Took Sarah to see that movie so she could see how I wanted to cut her hair.

Yeah. So I went to the date, which. started well. Hey, Sarah, want to see a movie about obsession. We made some small talk and found out we had a love of classic movies. However, just as the movie was about to begin, a rather obese gentleman took the seat right next to Sarah. This would not have been a problem except that there were only about 12 other people in the theater. That's a big point of frustration.

That's a creep move. Move over, fat man. What are we doing? The whole house is open. I would think he would want more room. I don't get that. I would do that all the time. I would get up and move.

Oh, I've done that Yeah, I would I would also be mad I would still be mad at them I just I look at them the whole time Be like okay really Okay, this is what's gonna be All right

Because some people do that people like This is the seat that I like And it has to be this seat Yeah, you know, that's your problem man I did that with Bad Max I moved I moved I was like you know what thanks buddy That actually happened to me

In the last Mad Max movie I was in a totally empty theater And someone like right next to me It's like no no no motherfucker This is not gonna happen I believe in a visible doughnut. You need like seats. Unless it's sold out. When possible.

Of course. If it's sold out, of course. But, you know, if it's packed, of course. But like, you know. You don't need to be in front of me. You don't need to be right behind me. You don't need to be on that. A row above or below is not making that much of a difference. Not at all. So the movie gets rolling and about 20 minutes in, I get a sensation in my stomach that

feels like a hand grenade just went on. Searching back through recent memory for the source of this discomfort. What is you, a robot? Scanning. Replay day. Enhance I suddenly remembered the events leading up to the date.

Earlier that day, my mother had dragged me to a family barbecue where my uncle was unveiling his five alarm, Hiroshima, Chilli. That's a branding problem.

Is he canning? Is he canning the stuff? Slightly insensitive. Chili so spicy, your shadow will get burned into the sidewalk. Hiroshima chili. Come on.

Like, just nukeying the Clear chili. Or is it just burnt chili? It's just shit scraped from the side of the pot. That's all you get to eat. Who's Albert Einstein's recipe? And here's my Iran contra bread to go along with it. Here's even chili that he was prepping for a contest.

Oh, he lost that contest, by the way. I'm sure. Yeah, what's it called? No, we're not doing it. Isis chili won that. It was good stuff, but nothing. special, so I put it out of my mind. All right. I hate getting up in the middle of a movie to go to the bathroom, especially on a date.

After the second wave of pain, I decided I couldn't wait. I looked over at my date and she smiled at me, apparently unaware of my discomfort. Why couldn't she tell in this dark movie theater? I couldn't talk to her about it. She was having a great time, so I decided to ride it out. This despite the swirling effects from Vertigo, which were no help. Also, that movie is like two hours and 15 minutes long. Just go to the bathroom.

You've seen the movie. You've seen the movie. Go to the bathroom. But John, this is Sarah we're talking about. She's watching the movie. Just go, I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom. And she goes, okay. No, she wouldn't understand.

She doesn't want a bathroom guy. Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I need to date men with much stronger bladders than this. Take me home. Take me home right now, please. Right now. at one point the discomfort turned into a particularly messy silent fart all those are some words yeah yeah yikes it wasn't pretty no kidding the fart was followed by

a nasty stink rising into the air as does uh my date took my hand and i looked at her and she could clearly smell the stench in the air to my relief she motioned her head to the obese gentleman apparently thinking it was him He came in handy. He came in handy. Honestly. You know what? I'm changing my mind. I'm going to sit next to huge fat guys every movie.

Honestly. It's a good cover. He wouldn't have noticed anyway because he had fallen asleep. Come on. I would have, I definitely would have also assumed that it was. I took that opportunity to excuse myself, which she had apparently misread as me just trying to get out of the fat man stink. The rest of the date.

It was your stink. Don't blame it. You know. The rest of the date went well despite my intestinal problems, which seemed to laugh off any medications that I took. What? God. Was he popping pills? Yeah, what medications are? He's just like tums?

I don't know. The weird thing is he spent the rest of his life trying to find another fat man that looked exactly like that fat man. I'd like to hire you. I want to dress up like that fat guy and fart next to me. Then he fell off a belt. for some reason. After the movie, she told me how much she loved the movie

and commented again about the stinking fat man next to him. This poor bastard, he doesn't even know. We laughed it off. Of course we did just laughing at the fat guy. We continued to date. Just three years ago, Sarah became my wife. Wow.

People getting married up in his joint. And it was only recently that she admitted that she knew that the stink on her first date didn't come from the fat. Wow. Wow. That's a keeper right there. Yeah. She just didn't want to hurt my feelings. What a great wife. We laughed about it and watched

Vertigo again. Thanks for the labs JR. Wow. I wonder how that came up. Did he try to pull it off again? And she was like, I know it's you. By the way, I've always known. They've probably been making fun of this man constantly like since that day. Like he comes up every

now and again and they're like, oh, that fat barter. Well, that's the lowest form of flirtation is like comparative hitting on like at least i'm not that guy you know yeah i've definitely been there yeah i hope i hope all men take uh just a lesson from this story and just just go to the bathroom just go to the bathroom it didn't matter either way stop second guessing yourself you don't need a timetable the other tip is everybody knows that you're the one who farted like that's there's no mystery there. And also when

you get married, you should probably get rid of the altar. Oh, yeah. The altar to Sarah. Just for everybody. All right, John, you want to take this next one? Sure. Here we go. This is unexpected outcomes at the movie. All right. Ooh, multiple outcomes. I like that. There's multiple things happening.

Hi, guys. A recent mailbag episode reminded me of an incident in high school where things did not go as planned at the local movie theater. it was the wait now this is how how do you pronounce this halcyon wow

look I like this bocate I would have never gotten that it was the halcyon year of 2000 my girlfriend and I had our heart set on seeing the cell ah yes Jennifer Lowebren Vince Vaughn

oh really from like meat hooks in that thing oh there's all sorts of crazy shit in that movie it's a crazy movie in theaters all right the problem was that we were both 15 at the time

and couldn't get in to see an R-rated movie. Just go to the Bronx, man. I would Starship Troopers like, I was like 13. Yeah, you really don't understand this. Go ahead, man, they lay in. What's going on? People can't get an R-rated movie? I saw my first R-rated movie

when I was nine by myself. One for basic instinct. I'm a 10-year-old. They're just rating movies for fun. I asked to see the animated film, we're back. They ushered me into the this rayed our base against the thing.

They just make you go, no matter what. They took me to 8mm instead. All right. Fortunately, her dad was pretty cool, or so I thought, and agreed to take us under the condition that he would watch the movie with us. Oh, that's a good dad move.

He had heard about how disturbing the film was supposed to be and wanted to make sure we didn't get upset by it. We were both genuinely excited to see what we both thought at the time. looked a masterpiece of modern film and happily agreed. That was a confusing sentence. Okay.

Yes, that will happen. We get those. All right. When we got to the theater, we bought our tickets with no issue at the window. However, when we got to the ticket taker, he told us that since the cell was such a disturbing film, the adult accompanying the two minors had to be the legal guardian of both. That's not a real thing.

That's a totally fake name. That's not a real law. That is crap. That's not a real lot of. These movie theater people think they're like the new sheriff in town. Yeah. I'll pose their own justice. I had, you know, some of the greatest highs of my life were just kicking kids out of underage movies when I worked at the multiplayer.

Oh, snap. But like, not to the point of making up fake laws about who's taking who to the movie. You would have been shot dead in the Bronx. First of all, first of all, what, I don't even understand the logic behind it. No, no, no. This movie is so disturbing. You have to have your actual. a mom with you because you're going to be crying for your mommy.

Birth certificates at the box office? Yeah, what is? Yeah, how do you even know? What if I'm adopted? What? Now, this isn't my real dad. Is that what you're telling you? I know.

Sorry, kids. Oh, my God. Can't see the cell. You had to be the legal guardian of both? Here's, here are my papers. Here's the adoption certificate. Oh, my God. Okay, side note, I have literally never encountered any theater actually enforcing this

policy before because it's not a real policy. or since this movie and still go back to that movie theater occasionally to this day. I also don't, I don't even think the guardian, the parent thing is real at all. No,

I think it's just like you have to be, I think it's like you have to be like 21 or something like before you can accompany someone. It was either 18 or 21. I don't remember the age that we had. Yeah. But it didn't have to be a blood relative. No.

I went to see Road Trip when I was 17 and I asked the two strangers behind me to buy the ticket for me. Yeah, that's fine. That's how I saw Scream 3 in the theater. theaters for some reason. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Without even hesitating, I said, yeah,

we're his kids and hand at the guy on my ticket. Yeah, of course, because how could he ever poop that? From behind, her dad grabs the ticket out of my hand and says, no, I'm not his legal guardian. What an asshole. Why are you even going to the movies with them? Now this dad is making more

trouble for himself. It's not a courtroom, by the way. Like, what is his objection? Selling us out at the 11th hour, the 11th hour, the 11th hour and dashing my hopes of seeing the movie that I was certain

was going to change the shape of filmmaking forever. All right, that's a little... Okay, the ticket taker explained that he couldn't let us see the sell but offered to exchange our tickets for a voucher or a ticket

for any other PG-13 movie that was playing that day. I should have taken the voucher and left, but my 15-year-old brain was still trying to salvage the situation. I figured that we could go see some dumb PG-13 movie. He would leave

and I could make out with my girlfriend in the back of the theater for an hour or so. Nice. Solid plan. One more question about the usher situation. So isn't it the ticket buyers respond? Like the dude, the box office person. Why is the usher

getting in at the second half of it? I don't. It's... Again, this usher was on a power trip. Yeah. Totally. I think. Like, yeah. The other thing is, we have talked about this yet but I don't know I mean going on a movie date and the

parent of the girl that you're dating is accompanying you that's just not a I don't know it was never going to work it was never going to work let's just be honest like even if they got into the cell like this was already a bus can I go home please an actual chaperone on a date

yeah no no but I just I can't even imagine that whole process of like all right he'll probably leave and then we're just gonna fucking make out yeah I don't know why he thought that. All right, here we go. Let's see. Ticket. Did I say this already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, my girlfriend,

my girlfriend must have had the same thought because she said it in a sort of joking tone. Why don't we go see that cheerleader movie bring it on instead? Honestly, totally good movie. It's a good movie. I actually think it's probably better to the cell. Yeah, it's a better night. Good for you guys. Much to our chagrin, her dad said that he had seen previews for that one and he thought it looked funny. So he told the ticket taker

To switch out all three tickets For the afternoon showing And this is the afternoon I love it Of the afternoon showing And bring it on Cut to 15 minutes later My girlfriend and I are sitting in the theater

With her dad sitting between us Oh, God Yeah of course You're gonna make out with anyone What a dad What a dad move And we're spending the afternoon watching Bring It On

I actually ended up not hating the movie To this day If I had to pick I'd probably watch Bring It On Over the Cell We agree, unless I was in a mood specifically to watch the latter. My question for you guys is, have you ever encountered a situation where you set out to watch

one film and ended up having to watch something completely different? And if so, how did that work out for you? Yeah, I had a couple of like failed trying to sneak into movies. I tried to sneak into Gladiator and got caught and had to watch U-571. John Bon Jovi in a submarine movie.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that movie. Yeah, that was unfortunate. But I was young enough at the time that I liked it because it was just a generic action movie. Right, right. I think it was a Wolfgang Peterson movie, maybe? Maybe. I don't remember who director. There was a big group of us.

Actually, now I'm remembering the one time I do remember getting shut out at the movies for the R-rated thing was where you went to Yonkers, which is outside the Bronx city limits. It's a totally different animal. They're enforcing laws up in the Yankegars. We just let what you do whatever you want in the Bronx.

Everybody can see an Rated film here. So we go to big boys and girls kind of thing. We want to see the rage carry two. Oh, sick. But that got, we all got shut out. I mean, and also, like, it was a bunch of teenagers. Nobody wanted anyone there. So I think what we wound up doing was hanging around a mall

and, like, doing, like, pseudo-jackass stuff, and no one got anything anywhere. Oh, that's terrible. That was an awful evening. Yeah, it was just like, oh, cool, we'll impress these girls by getting into shopping carts or whatever nonsense. Was anyone filming it? No, no, no, no, no, yeah, it's just not.

That's terrible. I think I told this one before that I tried to see American Psycho And the guy wasn't having it. So I was like, okay, what's playing at like the same time? Yeah. All right. One for keeping the fate. Nice.

That Ben Stiller. Yeah. And then, you know, then the guy's like, he radios in for an usher to escort me to the theater. And then I was like, well, I could just sneak out after. And then like the guy's in the hallway waiting for me. And I just go back in and just sit there. It's like a prison transfer. It is.

I have never been caught. Doing that. No, never. And I used to, not only did I, would I buy tickets to rated our movies and, I mean, sorry, buy tickets to PG-13 movies and go to rated our movies. I would also do double features. Oh, of course. So many times. Not once has somebody come and been like, well, let me see your ticket and kicked me out.

That's so interesting. See, we have a similar, even though I had to buy the PG-13 ticket. I never got punished. But, you know, it was also one of those theaters where they just didn't have that many. workers so it's like the the ticket was like before you went into the you know the actual theater and there were so many screens it's not like people were they didn't have enough people to like police that so how could you yeah why why why would you yeah we worked at a 10plex so it was really easy to just know like where everybody was supposed to be got it yeah like one of these like

super theaters so yeah the power trip you'd get from the fucking hunting kids down and kicking them out there was like the thing where there were two sides and some times they would have people on both sides. So, like, you would buy the ticket to one and then you'd realize the movie you wanted to see it's on the wrong side and you go, no, I can't see it. And that's what was great about this theater because it was shaped like an H. So you would buy something

that you saw, like, because you could see the hallway from the lobby. So you'd buy something like on the left, knowing that you could cut through like the middle row and then get to the right hand side. Just as long as the centuries don't see it. I have to make a confession. I did

go see. I did go out very recently to go see the greatest showman because I have movie past I can see every movie

and then So here's the thing I went to see the greatest showman and it was sold out and it was like this was like the third week

because it's been doing really well it was like the third week it was out and I and I was like it's sold out

like what it's so instead instead I was like I guess I'll see the Phantom thread because I had it seen it

yet and I was so bum like it's just it was a completely like my mind I was like I'm going to go see this like very like

popcorn like you know kid friendly fun upbeat movie with songs and then I wound up seeing like Daniel Day Lewis just being like you know please do not chew so loudly I know what you mean

that you've seen was kind of fine some music I was like I was so miserable and then I saw the The Greatest Showman the next day. And I was smiling the entire time. And I think it was only because there was like this weird anticipation for it.

And I was like, I'm going to love this movie. I, you know, that's why I don't do movie pass is because I'm such an erotic fuck where I need to know like three days in advance what movie I'm seeing that I have this seat, that I'm going to, that everything is set just so. Totally. I wish I could, I wish I had the confidence to go to a movie theater. Yeah. For the most part it works out because I try not to see a movie.

the, like, opening weekend. But it has a couple of times, like, that, the reason I saw the insult was because I went to see Molly's game and that was sold out, which, honestly, that was better because then the insult was the great movie. Right. And I'm sure Molly's game was the great. It's awful.

Anyway. All right, Eric, Siska, take us home with the last letter. This one is called Moves Like Jagger. Well, I like that. I got. What? That's a nice thing to say. To kick you out of this theater.

Hi guys, I'm not sure why, but the story popped into my head while listening, and I had to write in. I was in my junior year of high school, and I was the captain of my school's drum corps. Ooh. We were performing at a charity biking event to raise money for diabetes research. There's a lot there. It's a drum corps performing at a charity biking event. Is that, now, it's very important, is this motorcycles? Because then they all have diabetes.

Or is it cycling? and they don't. No, I think it's cycling, biking, bikers. Viking v. bikers. Yeah, I think it's like it. Okay. So we did our first set and the crowd loved us. We played as the riders left the gate

and we had about four performances through the day as different tiers of riders began. The whole event was on the news and radio by the line. Okay, okay. We see you. Just a little left one. I don't know if you notice, Yo, it is on a news

and a radio, so you might know who I am. You got to shine a little bit. So after our first set, we went inside for a break and refreshments. There was this 11-year-old boy who came in and sat with us. He seemed nice for a while, but soon began to sling racial epithets.

Jesus. And curse at various members of our group. Oh, my God. The child's parents were nowhere to be found, so we didn't know what to do. eventually, after the verbal abuse ended, we were called back outside for another set.

Half the day went by and we were outside. The radio DJ began playing music for everyone and nobody was dancing. Nobody except for this 11-year-old. This racist 11-year-old kid. This child could not dance but got away

with it because he was small and cute. Got away with it. I love it. It's like, Usually our town is like We don't let anybody dance The little cute you can do it All right, sure, sure Numerous adults were watching

It dance in the center of the ring And they were clapping He was eating it all up Suddenly I get the tap on my shoulder Of one of my guys It is parentheses It is well known That I happen to be a very skilled band

This is the second parentheses Where he needed to let us know How good he was By the way, I'm fucking awesome. Well, he's got to build it up for his showdown with John Liffithgow. It brentzies. I was offered a modeling contract. My wife, Kate Upton, came. I turned around and saw my whole team smiling evilly.

One said, hey, Will, can you go school that kid? I, of course, obliged. I threw my snare drum to the ground and ran over there. I jumped over the separator and stared this kid down. I like it. The mental games, too, are coming down. Absolutely. Yeah, this 17-year-old's in this child's head good.

Yeah, it's a racist. He deserves it. Moves like Jagger began playing, and the DJ immediately called for a dance. Yeah, this DJ saw that shit coming a mile away. He was like, dance on! This dumb kid was flopping around like an idiot. And in short, I annihilated him. Mortal combat.

That kid got served. Yeah, somebody finally got served. Then the DJ came out. He had a CD in his hand and said whoever got it first could keep it. He laid it on the ground and I used my long adult legs to scoop it right up as the kid was sliding up to it. I laughed at him as he stared at me angrily and I tapped him on the head with the CD a couple times. Oh, my God. For good measures.

Then I tossed the CD at him. And let him keep it as an act of kindness just to sweeten the epic defeat. Like mean Joe Green thrown off the jersey to that kid. After making fun of his dumb baby legs. I was the king. Perethes, nobody was cheered. Yeah, because you just embarrassed a child. An hour later, the event was ending and the kid got on stage.

We were all confused and horrified as he announced. himself to the world, parentheses, local news and radio. I've got to mention that again. As the Southern Nevada terminal poster child for type 2 diabetes. Oh, dear. He was the poster child. I guess he was on an actual poster. He probably was a good idea.

He had diabetes too. Yeah, that's not good. He was staring directly at me in the crowd, as were many of the adults who watched me destroy this kid I was not the dance floor. and then gloat about it. They never knew about how evil that kid was, and we weren't invited to our previously annual event the next year. My team had led that event for at least five years prior.

Oh, my God. So they were kicked off over this dance off. This is a big scandal. It made the news and radio. I had at least seven people recognize me from the news and chew me out of the event. And my friends still rag on me for this day about six years later.

Thanks for always having a great show, guys. Will. Well, you know what? I say, Will, thank you for destroying that kid. Because fuck that kid. Everyone's always feeling bad for him, and he's getting all he wants. He gets all the CDs.

I really don't care if he just learned what math is. He's still a racist. That's the part that's not really addressed fully. what was going on with the racism? Why was everybody loving this little kid? I don't think anyone got it. He's two-faced. You know what I mean?

It's like, oh, I got this type of thing. Yeah, he did it in the back. He flips a coin to determine if he's going to be racist or not. Like two-faced. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, man. Like, that's weird. I,

I, no, nothing. You're trying to think about one time you, like, wore it off against, like, some little kid. Yeah. Did you do a dance off? Did you serve someone out? It wasn't on local. news or radio so it didn't matter so

yeah I don't know man like it's just it's fun fucking with kids though I like that is that right yeah it's right I personally like this story because it had nothing to do with love or movies yeah I humiliated a child

by the way if you have more stories like that anyone out there please yeah yeah yeah let's humiliate children well that's about wrap it up for this month's W.H.M. Mailbag edition. John, go ahead

plug away. Plug what you guys are doing. Yes. Black men podcast. Sorry, that's actually our Twitter handle. But you can follow us at Black Men Podcast on Twitter and Instagram. The podcast is called Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. We're on Headgum.

Like we said, we're going to be at the Austin March 10th at 7 p.m. Yeah, man. Get those tickets. You'll meet everybody. Yeah, I think they're available at headgum.com slash live. Yeah, there you go. And, yeah, you can follow me personally at John Braylock if you like on Twitter and Instagram.

And we do shows at the Upright Citizen Brigade Theater in New York. So if you're in New York, come on out. We got like shows coming up second Monday of every month at UCD East Village. Awesome, awesome. Well, until next month, loyal listener, I'm Andrew Jupin, Chris Cabin, Stephen Siddak, Eric Siska, Jonathan Graylach. it easy.