We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Taking Mom to the Movies, Lying About Hating "Collateral Beauty," and Falling Asleep on Toilets

Episode Date: December 1, 2017

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the gang reads letters about moms taking kids to inappropriate movies accidentally, people getting caught lying about not hating Collateral Beauty, Sean Connery golfing, pre-teens taking innocent grandmothers to sexy thrillers, watching movies on bootlegs, and sleeping in airplane bathrooms! If you want your questions answered or stories told on the air, write into the mail bag—[e-mail]! We record the final Mail Bag of the year on Saturday so write in quick! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Stephen Sadek, Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska. I was going to say, I play the hole. This is indeed the November mailbag. Let's get right into it. Steve Sadek, start us off here in our letter reading. Okay, duped by a movie trailer. Uh-oh.

Hey guys, my name is Charles from Michigan. Oh, that's his full name is Charles from Michigan. Oh, the from Michigan family, of course. Oh, I thought it was Charles F. Michigan. Charles F. Michigan. Well, it was Charles F. Michigan. Charles Vaughn, Michigan, but they changed it. Or Michigan T-Frog for Michigan The Frog, right guys?

It's like a James Gray movie. It's surprising when I'm getting more letters. Oh, that's why. No, been a listener for four years now. My question is, have you ever been completely duped by a movie trailer before? Where the trailer shows you one movie and you get another, you weren't really expecting. Right, right. Yep, I have an example.

My mother and I used to watch a lot of TV together when I was a kid, mostly a Knick-knife kind of stuff. Nicket Knife? Night. Oh, pardon me. It's Nickelodeon. It's Nickelodeon after dark. You're going to sit down and watch this.

I got a knife. Yes, this rerun of I Love Lucy will kill. Yes. It will kill. Our favorite show was Taxi. Nice. Rieger. So when we saw the trailer for 1993's Jack the Bear,

starring Danny DeVito, Mom decided we were going to go see it, which was kind of a big deal. My mother wasn't such of a moviegoer, and I was 12 at the time. The fuck is Jack the bear? He's like a father. I think he's like a single father.

We're going to learn about Jack to him. Oh, I see. Charles's letter gets into it, yes. When the trailer shows Danny DeVito, what the trailer shows is Danny DeVito goofing around and playing with his children a bunch, just a big baby man.

Sure. So we're expecting a lighthearted comedic romp. However, the movie took a couple of turns that the trailer didn't really allude to. For a starter, my mom wasn't expecting the scene where DeVito, who has Sven Gulli-like horror TV show. I don't know what that means. I think he's one of them there, like, you know, like local cable. Robert Prosky and Gremlins, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sven Gulli's an actual guy. I've actually seen his show. And it's not really for me, but it's sort of one of those things where a guy wears fun makeup comes outside. Would children like it? Is it for his children? No, it's for nighttime creeps. Oh, it is. Okay.

He just introduced like a horror movie. It's not like, I miss T3K. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the guy, like Elvira. Joe Bob Briggs. Exactly, like a creature feature. Okay. Gets, where it was Vengulya, like horror show, gets blasted on TV

and spouts a bunch of hate speech against Jewish people and African-Americans. What the fuck? Including an N-bomb. What? I have to watch this movie again. And thank you, dear listener, for writing out Enbaum. I truly appreciate that. I remember my mother being horrified and loudly explaining to me that she didn't know this is going to happen.

Someone shushed her. She shushed up. It was very uncomfortable. Oh, man. Then later in the movie, spoilers for Jack the Bear, by the way. The Nazi next door, played by Gary Sinise, kidnaps DeVito's youngest kid. Oh, yeah. What the sweet fuck?

And this movie's called Jack the Bear. I gotta see this. When the kid returns later in the movie, he's mute and shell-shocked like he'd gone through some shit. What? What's this fucking movie? While this was going on,

my mother had her face in her hands muttering. What did she do to that baby boy? Over and over again. You know what, Ma? Just pack up and leave. Guys, can you do the rest of this? I gotta go watchdack the bear. I think I remember there being a dog murder in there as well.

On the ride home, my mother isn't talking. We didn't even have dinner after going home. Mom just went to bed. Oh, wasn't it the kid's fault that Jack the Bear was, you know, adult-themed? Do with this kid. The next day, everything was just fine. But I know that when she passed in 99, we had never talked about this movie again. Looking back, it's funny to me, how horrified she was about subjecting me to such terrorists.

It's kind of funny to us, too. I was already a gore hound at this point, but I watched those when I went to Dad's House. That's what divorced dads are there for. For burgeoning horror hounds and second presence. So, when have you guys been duped by a trailer? Thanks for the years of funny Charles. Well, thank you, Charles.

I'm sorry about your mom passing away in 99. I'll say this. I got duped in a, not in the way that Charles. is talking about, but literally last week, I got duped by fucking Thor Ragnarok because I had the audacity to go to that movie thinking the trailer hadn't literally

shown me everything about that movie. And there was not a single fucking surprise left for me. I mean, I liked it, it's funny, but Jesus Christ, and I know there's like no way to hide that the Hulk is in that movie. Yeah. But like watching that scene,

that we all saw in the preview, it's like just fucking get to it. I know what's behind that goddamn door. You're waiting for that haircut to happen because those wigs are bad in that movie. I don't know why. The wigs are usually good in those movies. I was duped by Watchman. You were like, this movie looks great.

I didn't like 300. I didn't like Zach Snyder. And I was like, you know, you really can't make a movie out of Watchman. But then that trailer, oh, this looks super sweet. And like, even now, if you watch that trailer, it's kind of sweet. Because there's, like, legit elements in that movie that work, but not for the whole three hours or however the fuck long I was stuck there. Three minutes with the smashing pumpkins, you got me. Well, like you, Steve, I was a little befuddled by the Manchester by the sea trailer.

Oh, really? You were like, this looks fucking hilarious. Yeah, like, it's kind of just like, oh, this old mope has to learn to go back home and take care of his nephew. Yeah. And they're just going to have an adventure. there's not going to be a house fire. Yeah, well, you know what, man? You're not really getting buns in the seats

when you fucking reveal children burn to death in a fucking house fire. Spoiler alert for Manchester. It's been a year. You had a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this must have happened to me a hundred times, but I can't really remember specific ones.

They're definitely out there. I did know I was excited for the Phantom Menace. Oh, yeah, sure. The fucking lightsabers in that fucking trailer? It's sort of like what you were saying about Thor Ragnarok. They showed the best parts in the trailer, and the movie was unwatchable. I haven't seen Thor Ragnarok yet as of this recording, so I don't know if that's true for Thor, but for the Phantom Menace, that movie is unwatchable.

I guess I also was duped by the film trailer for Catfish, because for some reason, as I said this before, when I went to go see that movie, I turned to my fiancé, and I said, this is that movie about devil-worshers, and she said, what? And the movie started And the movie certainly wasn't about that There's one part that almost gets like creepy And she like we both look at each other and I'm like This is where the devil worship is gonna start

And it's like no Is this I'm shut in like look at my paintings Look at my paintings That fucking movie sucks It's not very good There you go All right Chris Cabin Okay

Oh boy Collateral Ignor right. No, that's the fucking alternate title for this show. It's true, it's true. Dear H.M. guys, my name is Gideon from Grand Rapids. Thanks for the Bible. How long have you been

holding that in? Since I printed this out for everyone. Eric says, thank you, Gideon. Gideon's sitting at home listening to this recording. Like, wow, it's the first time I've heard that. I know. I thought of that, too. I was like, I'm going to say it anyway. But he probably does have a

stamp with his name on it. Grand Rapids, Michigan. We got to Grand Rapids Michigan. And this is a story about how your episode on Collateral Beauty led to one of the most uncomfortable movie watching experiences I've ever had. Oh man, that actually happened to the people sitting around us in the theater. We went to see that fucking movie.

We ruined that trash fire for everybody. Earlier this year, my girlfriend and I went on a trip down to South Carolina for a week. And on our trip back home to Michigan, we decided to spend a couple days with her brother and sister-in-law in Nashville. Nice. Yeah, nice town. I had only met them once before this, the Thanksgiving before, so needless to say, I was still trying hard to make a good impression. And man, isn't that the worst?

Yeah. That is the worst part of life. It sucks, man, because, like, I'm sitting there, right? I'm sitting there, and I'm like, I know I'm a fucking piece of shit. So I have to pretend for the next, like, 48 hours that I'm not human trash. Exactly. It really stinks. And that I would rather be in my boxers watching a fucking, a Marvel movie for the third time.

A big, fat, fucking Jay and Iron Man 3. Barely closed. What did you guys do? What did you guys get up to last night? I was like, oh, I didn't stay I'm watching best of the best three until four o'clock in the morning. For the fourth time. Yeah. I was being an adult, going to sleep, doing things like that.

The night that we arrived, it was pouring rain in Nashville and unseasonably cold. So her brother suggested that we rent a movie and just hang out for the night. As we scroll through the available movies, the cover of collateral beauty pops up. My girlfriend's sister-in-law says, oh, that looks so good. I love Will Smith. Oh, she's going to be disappointed. Immediately, I felt the situation slip out of my control. I'd been there.

Yeah, I watched the movie. I know exactly what you're talking about. I had already listened to your guy's episode on this. movie for the worst of 2016 and I had resigned myself to never putting myself through the torture of actually viewing it. Yeah, good decision. That's smart. You think this

girlfriend's sister-in-law is stoked for that fucking orc cop movie that he's going to be in? Oh, bright. Bright. Yeah. More like David Air. Oh, oh. That please. Bright. More like dim. Thank God

we got that in. See, we don't need the rim shot for that. We need like the tap a tap the roll up give a little tapy tap yeah yeah I don't know the music terms

maybe she's not were you talking about a drum roll yes a drum roll yeah you know it needs one of the tapy taps I'm a baby oh boy please

it needs taps that song they play when people die yeah when somebody yeah you know what fucking DOA dude now I'm imagining

you like directing the Oscars in a big control room all right camera three yep get going close that's good

oh there They're about to announce the best picture. Can I get a tapy tap there? Zoom in close with the tapy tapy. They don't know what he's saying and eventually some guy goes out there tap dancing. I don't know. La La Land one.

Oh, no. A stringy, stringy pole. A brassy, brassy thing. The maestro. Camera move forward. Camera move forward, forward move camera. Pushy and in. Now we need a pushy shot, pushy shot.

Right? Yeah, push. No, I almost said Zoom. No, pushing. All right. Now, after this pushy, Kimball's going to say my Herschelah for the thousandth time. Uh-huh. And then an across. And a cross. Sorry. All right. Not only that, but I had told my girlfriend about this awful film going to great length to prove to her what an awful story it was. My girlfriend who was now sitting right next to me. My girlfriend who now watched me pretend to know absolutely nothing about

this movie. Yeah, that look that looked good. I said attempting to be as cool. Yeah, you got to play this now as possible. You're like you're fucking tap dancing on a minefield. Like you got to play it really cool right here. That's a dance

oh, pardon me. No, exactly. And I've been we'll get there afterwards, but yeah, you've been to these situations. Sure. In front of the family. I was making as possible in front of the family i was making my way into my girlfriend with no need to impress anyone countered didn't you say that it's really bad oh god that's sold me out oh oh no hey aren't you an undercover cop

what you said you were an undercover cop right were you wearing the wire on your chest it's like look we're trying to do a thing here uh don't sell me out oh no this is unforgivable it's fucking unforgivable i can't believe this Now I had a choice. Getting mad. I could take it back. That's called Screamy Scream. I could take it back and possibly crush the hopes of the couple I was trying to impress or stick to my guns.

Fane ignorance and let them watch the Will Smith movie they had been wanting to see since December. I chose the latter. No, I didn't see it, but I heard good things. Yep. As I gave my girlfriend a please stop talking glance. It's fucked up that she needed one. It's fucked up. Well, you should have worked that signal out by now.

To quote Al Pacino in Glengarry Glenn Ross, you never open your mouth until you know what the shot is. That's what we're talking about here, man. Absolutely, dude. You can't be fucking Kevin Spacey being like, no, I sent those off to the bank. Your money's with the bank. You can only say that to Jonathan Price, though.

Yeah, that's true. It's in the law. all of this to say they rented collateral beauty and i broke my promise to myself it really was as bad as i feared it would be all because i wanted to look good in front of my girlfriends now my fiance's hey a family i would not get over this hump this is a fucking betrayal this turns into crammer versus crammer uh it's a canst of a kid uh have you guys ever feigned ignorance about a movie to impress a romantic interest or am i the only weird Love the show, guys. Keep up the great work. Gideon.

Yeah, I mean, we're all creepy movie monsters in this room. And I mean, like, you have to play it normal for the normos. And when you're in that situation, in a family situation, people are like, hey, let's watch this movie and you know it's not going to be good. You're not going to be like, no, no. Like, you've got to be like, oh, that looked good. That looked like fun, even though it's dog shit. And it's not, I've never done this to, like, impress like a love interest, but I do this with, like, family. constantly. Sure. You know, it's like, oh, well, that looks good. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it. Yeah. Like, I'll kill two hours. Yeah, exactly. Just sit here in silence. Like, I remember there was, I've said this before, but like, there was a, there was a time where a relative was like, fuck yeah, not another superhero movie or super whatever the fuck that spoof movie was. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. Let's put this shit on. This is a thunderous difference between. I don't. don't do this. We know. We all know. I will never do this. I'm not watching. You'll cut your grandmother's throat. We've all heard it before. I got an interesting scenario that it's

kind of the opposite. Okay. Where my now wife brought her home to Ma. Let's meet the family. Sure. Well, Ma wants to watch a movie. And what has Ma decided the movie will be? Wild at heart.

No, it was the skin I live in. Holy shit. Which is a good movie. And I enjoyed watching it. I understand my mother. So it made sense to me. But it was a weird way to introduce someone into the family.

Sure. That's weird. Not a fan watch. Yeah. Not a fan watch. That's a good way to sum it up. Hey, how about that Lego movie? You know, like that's totally fun.

That's a fun movie. You know, the bummer about this email, though, is Gideon does not relay what these Will Smithheads thought of this shitty movie. That is a good point I want to know if they were hard I think they They thought it was cute I was cute I was staring on the barrel of a gun

A couple holidays ago And it was like oh shit What are we gonna do here And it was a bunch of bad movies On the table And then Kong Skull Island was there And I was like hey how about that King Kong movie

Because I didn't see it And I was like yeah I was like oh thank God Like sometimes I like that movie Exactly sometimes you get to be The Peter Fonda in that scenario Like in reasonable scenarios, like, you don't want to be an asshole, Chris, you know, and be like, let's watch the skin I live in or let's watch, like, now I want to watch this movie.

Like, you got to play it to the audience you're with. I don't tell, I, they can watch the movie. I'm just not going to be there. There's a, there's a difference. Yes. All right, Eric. Okay. Sean Connery loves golf.

All right. Hi. Hello. How are you? How you doing? Hi. I really enjoyed the Rising Sun episode. I haven't seen it in years and I forgot how bad shit crazy. Sean Connery, the Japanese was. His relationship with Wesley Snipes and this in this is very much like his relationship with Mark Harmon in the Presidio. Presidio. I haven't even heard of this. It is horrendous. But that was like, the Presidio is a movie that's like big with your parents. Yeah. You talk to your parents. They're like, man, the fucking Presidio. You want to talk about a legal thriller that'll fucking blow your head off.

It's arguably a hangover movie because it, like, there's no pulse to it whatsoever. What is a Presidio? Is it something like, if you need me, I'll be in the Presidio? For some reason, I think it's like the liaison between the cops and the Navy. Oh, so it's not a place. Or maybe not. I could be completely wrong. I think that's what they called Vader's Chamber.

That little ball he's in. Presidio. Yeah, I don't remember, but what Cabin is saying sounds kind of right. Because that movie's kind of like a two hour and 15 minute episode of Jag. And Mark Harmon's fucking his daughter. That's the big hook.

Okay. You invite me over to your house and you don't even have a Presidio. Where am I going to Shit. No, not shit. Shit. You heard of me.

All right. Connery has to be the winner of every scene, beat the shit out of stuntman half his age, and always get one up on his co-star. Oh, yeah. As for the golf, Connery fell in love with golf while filming the scene in Goldfinger and has been a keen golfer ever since. Oh, shit. So the scenes in Rising Sun were neither the executive producer assisting on a. location or Connery saying fuck you I'm playing golf this weekend if you want to film scenes you'll come to me which amounts to the same thing really I think we actually pretty much said

that on the episode yeah yeah with that in mind what are some scenes and movies that stand out to you as clear examples of the actor getting what the actor wants especially if the actor is also a producer I'm looking forward to the rest of snipesgiving and wondering if the nexus will look at discovery. No. Thanks, Nick. Well, thank you so much for your correspondence, Nick. And I actually think of Adam Sandler.

Isn't he notorious for this? Like 50 first dates, like, oh, I want to go to Hawaii. So we're doing the movie in Hawaii. I was a grown-up movies. They're like, hey, me and my buddies want to fuck around on Go-Carts. So that's the movie. Right. Not as grotesquely expensive as that.

but in all now contemporary Stallone and Arnold movies whenever their character is smoking a cigar that's just sly and Arnold saying fuck it I'm smoking a cigar that makes perfect sense

nothing to do with the character Oh you know what one that I always think of the act of killing Oh my God That's a good one Yeah I mean like yeah That happens, you know what I mean? Like, people do that, you know?

Or like guaranteed Michael Cain in that fucking last witch hunter movie. He's sitting because he wants to be sitting. You ever notice this in any movies that Stan Lee produces? There's always has to be a superhero in it. You know what I mean? It's like, I guess that's because that's his bag or whatever. But it's like he's getting what he wants so much. Like, dude, come on.

No spoilers because Eric hasn't seen it yet. But I think Thor Ragnarok now contains the worst Stanley came. Oh, it's a bad one. I second that motion. Oh, boy. Okay. Monsters in the home, monsters on TV. Dear We Hate Movies,

one day when I was a young lad, my family decided to go on an outing to see Monsters Inc. At the local cinema. I, as an excited six-year-old, asked to take my girlfriend along. I was such a player then, now homosexual. You could be a player now too You might be, huh? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know the technical terminology.

So my mom, of course, invited her to the house beforehand while waiting for my dad to get home. After waiting for around two hours, my dad came home and excitedly announced, I've got the movie from a guy in the pub. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I know where this is going. That's right. He had brought home a pirate DVD and had some bagged popcorn

not even microwavable. That's amazing. It's like the leftover popcorn that the theater throws out at the end of the night. Man, I mean, well, you can buy like pre-bagged popcorn, like smart food, or

as Chris is suggesting, this man hung outside of a movie theater and asked the usher for the garbage bag. He just brings it in. He's got two hands. Hey, kids, we're all getting drunk tonight. I was visibly upset and it wasn't going out

I was upset. I wasn't going out to the cinema. However, my dad assured me it was better this way because, quote, it's way cheaper and I can drink beer during it. Classic dad move. You know what, he ain't wrong. Right.

He might not be right, but he ain't wrong. So me and my girlfriend sat watching this handheld camcordid recording of Monster Zink, which looked revolting and ate chewy, salted popcorn and did not enjoy the film one bit. Chewy leads me to believe that this was fucking movie theater waste movie theater waste. Because if you're eating a bag

of smart food man it's at least fine. Right. This is like what a movie theater shits. My question for you is what is the best cheap dad story you guys have. I'm a relatively new listener to the podcast but have loved every episode. You guys are hilarious and blah blah blah blah. Keep doing what you're doing. Daniel from Sterling Scotland. Well thanks Daniel. Yeah. I mean I think the worst, it's not a cheap dad situation, but the worst experience of watching any movie ever

was, and this is not that long ago, I was at my dad's house, and he had younger kids at the time, and was like, oh, who are now older. That's the way time works. He's like, let's watch this movie that I got. And I'm like, you got it? And it's, and he got this movie.

It was Land of the Lost, starring Will Farrell, which is an, atrocious non-movie I haven't even tried I haven't even tried it's unbelievably is Mark Walberg playing one of those eight people I don't think so he might have a cameo it's fucking well for I mean what are those cavemen called in that show oh well you the slea stacks of the the what do you call it there those are the reptile people right yeah whatever I don't remember it was a really horrible boot too like you know people people are getting up during

the well because they're walking out it's land of the lost it was outrageous it was like really just the worst on the worst. Did you watch it in its entirety? Yeah, I think we watched the whole damn thing. Wow. That's rough. I mean, mine's already infamous, the Columbia House scheme. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, sure. Had Jerry

rigged it to do my life. Yeah, that went on for a long time. And then your dad went to jail for 10 years. Any bad experiences with a boot, though? An actual boot. I just feel like you know, every

experience with the food is a bad experience I mean I never had a thing where it was like all right everybody let's sit down and as a family watch this bootleg like that never happened back in like when the Kazah Solseek days oh sure wow way to date yourself when you first

learned about it and you were like still trying to get movies off of it for some reason and like you were like oh my god fucking you know Blade 2 is leaked early oh my god you know what we saw did we all see this X-Men Origins, Wolverine, that early copy.

I'll cop to that. Yes, I did download that. That's the only time I've seen that movie in its entirety. Yeah, me too. And like when he's fighting Ryan Reynolds on that smokestack at the end, it was all just greens green. That is a much better movie than what they actually put out. That's a really good point. I'll buy that.

Yeah, no, just like boots are always terrible. I've never actually bought it. It's never worth it. It's never worth it. I've never bought a bootleg off the side of the street. No, I've never like, purchased a sidewalker's subway tunnel boot? My brother did once, I think he went on a school trip to New York City.

Have you heard about this place? Oh, yeah. Dude, it's the concrete jungle where it turns out dreams are made. He did bring home a bootleg. And we had it in our house for like, for some reason we had this in our house for like 20 years before I decided to finally like, I'm going to throw this away for everyone.

It was Tomorrow Never Dies. Wow. But it was a VHS bootleg because it was back when that movie was in the fucking theater. 98 or whatever that came out. So I've seen that movie probably two or three times on a bootleg. That was like the only bootleg that was in circulation. Also, I did, man, all the bootleg memories are flooding back.

When I went to, with my older brother, I also, I went to China in the year 2000. Uh-huh. And I bought a bootleg in China of the Phantom Menace. Nice. And I watched the movie and it was a decent, it was a really good bootleg for what it was. but then huge swaths of the movie were edited out so it could fit on like this fucking like CDR Oh Jesus

So it was just like I was just like wait what They didn't just do a two-discer That's kind of interesting I mean I think it actually made the movie better Yeah probably would more aggressive cut Yeah I wore out my boot of Fight Club one fight Because I just need to Oh Fight Club is so good

I gotta watch it every day Thanks for the bootleg I caught a bootleger one time in the old multi-plutch projection of these days. Dude, because I remember specifically looking out the porthole. I'd move you to get caught bootlegging, by the way. Hearts in Atlantis. Oh, really?

Whoa. And like I just... You put him in the stockade. Dude, I looked down, I saw like a little red dot, and I was like... In Latham, New York. Oh, the fucker. Yeah, and I went down, and I checked in, and I was like, that fucking son of a bitch is bootleg in this movie. And, like, went and got the manager, and, like, this dude got kicked out.

There was supposedly a thing where, like, if you did that and reported it, Technicolor awarded you $5,000. Needless to say, I didn't see a cent to that bust. They lost your number real quick. Oh, no, the boss took it, man. Yeah, probably. All right, Steve. Talking grandma, take it.

Come on, Stephen. Talking grandma, what will they think of next? Shit, an illiterate podcaster. Taking grandma is the rising sun. Uh-oh. Hey guys, huge fans of the show. had to write in with a story about the summer of 1993 and losing my grandmother's trust. You see, my pudgy 14-year-old sest was obsessed.

My 14-year-old self was obsessed with Michael Crichton, having seen Jurassic Park four times by the time Rising Sun was released in late July. My grandmother, who had just turned 70 at the time, seemed like a prime candidate to fool into taking me to this movie because it starred one of her favorite actors, Sean Connery. Yeah, you'll come to this movie, Grandma. We're getting old together. Remember me? It's your boyfriend. I sold around the idea telling her that I had read the book.

I hadn't. And that there wasn't anything too objectionable in there. Don't worry, Grandma. I read the book. There's no choke fucking. Oh, good. I detest choke fucking. That's how your grandfather did. died.

No. It probably was. It's a character, not your real grandmother. I even talked to her letting my friend Pat come along. Oh, Pat. Pat knew it was the deal.

Pat was there for the choke. He knew it was coming. Pat was bootlegging. He's like, hey, Steve, do you tell your grandma about the choke fucking? No, shut up, Pat. Nice basketball shorts, the way. Absolutely. It's 1993.

We're going to play Mortal Kombat later? Yes, we are. Okay, cool. And the B-52 three-sum. Oh, yes. Man, that making the book would be great. Cut to three minutes into the movie when the fucking starts, and I didn't hear the end of it. What the hell kind of movie

is this? My grandmother exclaimed. Man, that was my father's line verbatim. Or the shortened, what is the shit? Which happened quite frequently. I don't doubt it. My grandmother explained audibly in the theater right another time

Ray Wise starts going down on that woman. That's a good time to exclaim something. I didn't know there was going to be anything like this movie, Grandma. It wasn't in the book. I just signed up for choke fucking nut. Conalingis, God damn it. I said, diminishing my argument that I had

already read it even further. Needless to say, about an hour, and cut to Pat, by the way, it's like, oh, fuck, this is awesome. This is great. Thanks, thanks Mrs. Sullivan for the movie ticket. Pat,

and stop rubbing your jeans like that. Uh, these was to say about an hour later, because that also deepens the crime, right? Because at least like, if you keep it in the family, you can yell at the kid,

but now Pat's getting scarred. He's like, oh, Mrs. Sullivan's awesome. We saw that movie Rising Sun. Yeah, exactly. Oh, Mrs. Sullivan took you to what the fuck she did? Mm-hmm. and then you're getting a call from fucking Mrs. Pat.

Loose lips, loose lips. Dude, then someone's just yelling at a grandma, that stinks. Needless to say, about an hour later, when the dude starts eating sushi off a naked woman, my plan unraveled. Now, the question is, well, get up, that's it. I'm not sitting here watching this porno, one minute longer. My grandmother explained to my friend and I

and the rest of the cloud in attendance. Something tells me. Now, you know what, guys? like, tell me if I'm crazy. But it wasn't so much the sushi eating as it was the nip dip into the soccer. More than likely.

That is when that movie graduates to pornography. Absolutely. Um, bum, bum, bum, someone's graduating of pornography. It took a full three. Yeah, you got to come shot across the stage, huh? It took a full three years

to regain my grandmother's trust and she agreed to see grumpy old men with me. Just a few months before she passed away. That's a really sweet story. She was a great lady and I sincerely regret triggering her into seeing such a filthy movie at that age.

I should have known better, but in the end, she turned out to be the smartest, one in the theaters storming out less than halfway through and never looking back. Thanks for all the laughs and a happy snipes giving to you all. Steve from Chicago, whose last name is not Sullivan. I just made that up.

Right. Oh, that is fucking funny. Do I guess, have any of us had a situation? were a parent or a grandparent? Well, I said it before. I started watching Dead Alive with my grandmother. Well, in the theater, I meant. No, it wasn't in the theater.

And I made the decision. I was like, this is a little much. Yeah. You know, this is weird, but like I very, I think I've said this before. Like, I very rarely went to the movies with my parents. Yeah. I never did a single solo social thing with a grandparent ever.

And I got none left. It's not going to happen now. Isn't your dad fucking hate the royal tenenbombs? Well, I took my parents to see tenenbombs, and I was like, guys, I love this movie. This will be the fifth time I'm seeing it, like, strap in. And they sat there dead face the whole time. And when we left, my father was just like, I thought you said that was supposed to be a comedy. By the way, I'm disappointed in you.

Oh, well, shock. I'm going to use a story of mine to segue to a story that's not mine, which I love. my mom took me to see my cousin Vinnie which is an R-rated movie but it's for language yes exactly which is fine

but my fiance was in an acting class where a brother and sister team when she was like 15 16 2 15 16 year old kids did a scene from my cousin Vinny the scene that they did the scene on the porch

when her biological clock is going like this and it's like a sister and a brother that's really weird come on bro knock me up That reminds me of, remember that improv class we took with the dude and his daughter? And they always would play, they would always play like a romantic whatever. Yes, it was very weird.

Wait, they were just trying to get off. There was like an exposition. They were very nice people. But it always, the scene always would evolve into they were like wed. Yeah, lovers. And it was, and what was nobody called the police. Hold on a second. It was Jean Reno and Natalie Pardman.

what the bummer of it was was this was a class on duo's improv so it was only two performers in a scene and you'd always have to be with that person and you were always with that person so it was like Steve and I obviously but like that meant no one could jump in the scene

and save these people nobody could just yell stop and like yeah there were no fucking taggouts man and it was always just like oh you're married again huh oh would you cheat on me and I'm like I don't know man

And you're 14, he's 50. I'd like to leave now. Oh, that was an interesting class. It was. Okay, Chris Cabin. We got another one here. The last one. All right.

And, oh, it's about something I said. Okay. Falling asleep on the toilet. Check. Been there. Hey, guys. A very long-time listener, I started listening way back in 2010 or 2011 with Evil Speak. Holy shit.

Great episode. Holy shit. And have loved listening to you guys. in the recent rundown of the Nightmare on Elm Street series one of you made a joke about falling asleep on a toilet which brought to mind a story I thought you might all like I currently live in a different city than my wife and there aren't any direct flights from my city to hers

that's annoying yeah that sounds tough so in order to get back which I try to every month or so I have to drive about two hours to get to the closest airport with direct flights that is that is dedication I'm already tired. You know if this isn't working out, I'm tired. There really

are only so many good podcasts. Yeah, that's true. Oh, let's not destroy their marriage. Come on. Recently, a small airline began offering flights from my city to hers on small business class jets. Since I wouldn't have to drive as far,

I figured I'd try it out since it would save me a lot of time and wasn't that much more expensive. I just have seven seats, one right in front of you when you board and then three rows with one seat on on each side of the plane. This is already freaking me. I would never get on the plane.

Not for anything safety related. No, no, no, no, no. Motherfuckers talking to me. Like, oh, well, there's only three of us on tonight. Let's get to know each other. Fucking suicide. It is a bit intimate. Yeah. I can do without that. On my

flight out to see here, I was the only passenger on the small jet, which was pretty cool. And I spent the flight chatting with the pilots you know talking to a pilot that's pretty this is how you get yeah talk to the pilot this is how you get in this too like a night flyer situation you know what john f kennedy's junior's last words were what was that that because you know what you don't talk to the fucking pilot i think this actually sounds appealing because one of my the thing i hate the most about flying is you land and then you wait fucking 75 fucking minutes yeah everyone to get their

luggage and their snot rag and their fucking filth and to move it off the flight. It is a nightmare. It's a nightmare. So if I only have to deal with six or under, I'm good. You're off in four minutes. And you have headphones. We all have headphones. Yep. Yeah, I have headphones. I'm wearing headphones right now. I noticed. We all are. On the return trip, like a plebe, I had to share the plane with a few other passengers. So we all settled in for the early morning flight. I was the last on, so I had to sit in the last row with the gentleman in front of me and one to the right. The seat in front of me was pretty far back, so I knew I was going to get pretty uncomfortable on the flight as I was thinking about whether to try

and adjust my seat or move elsewhere. I noticed an open seat and a little alcove behind me. I thought it was funny how there was obviously an eighth seat on what the airline advertised as a seven passenger plane, but I shrugged my shoulders and moved to the back. The gentleman, to my right, looked at me funny as I moved back there, but quickly put his earbuds in and ignored me. I sat down, buckled my seatbelt, and promptly fell asleep in the darker, slightly enclosed space. I see where this is going. Oh, dear. After about an hour into the flight, I woke up and started listening to something on my iPod.

As I was sitting there, I realized, huh, looks like there's a door I could close here. there's a mirror in here didn't the pilots on the first flight mention there was a bell oh oh shit I'm in the bathroom in my defense there was no sink and there was a padded seat on top sorry of the toilet with a normal seatbelt I suppose I must have been really tired

to not notice and the quizzical looks of the other pastures were now obviously curious about why I was trying to use the toilet before we even took off. Anyone else watch an American vandal? I've seen the first couple episodes. I love how much that kid hates padded seats on toilet. It's a great fit man and it's totally true. Padded seats stink.

It's disgusting. I feel like I'm like shitting on a couch. Yeah, it's like, oh, let me fucking take a dump in this pillow. No, you got to go to the antique shop. I mean, like, honestly, though, it's that and the sweat. When you get the sweat, now you get that fucking ass. Sweat, dude. You don't have to tell me twice.

So padded seats. Awful. Not a fan. I agree. Needless to say, I was pretty embarrassed, but due to the gentleman, the same row as me adjusting his seat, I literally could not get out of the bathroom and get to the seat. I had been in originally. I spent the rest of the flight worried that the pilots or other passengers would give me shit

about sleeping on the toilet for the whole flight. But thankfully, I'm not sure anyone. else noticed. They did. They definitely did. Somebody was like, that guy's still fucking up. He's still in a toilet.

They were purposely being quieter than normal so you would continue sleeping on a toilet. All right. I guess I'm not taking a piss today. Thank you gentlemen for your wonderful podcast

and I wish you all the best in the future. John in Providence. Ooh, thank you, John and I'm sorry you had to embarrass yourself like that.

It's rough. Let us know that. Oh, I've fallen asleep on toilets before man oh yeah there was there was a couple times um county fairs no like if i um where i work is a movie theater you know type place and my old office was in the theater itself and you know sometimes i got like really bad headaches and i just need to like sit in the dark for a little bit and there was definitely one time i went i would go to the booth bathroom and i would

close the door and there's no windows or anything it's dark as shit i wouldn't turn the light on and I would just kind of sit on the toilet and just like kind of like chill out in the darkness for a little bit. It's like a sensory deprivation tank. Yes, dude, it definitely is. I've always wanted to do one of it. And I've always wanted to take a shit in one.

Oh, how was it, Chris? It's great. And I fucking... Do you get naked in it? No, swim trunks. Yeah. Okay. Did you see shit?

You just, yeah, you can. Now the question is, dude, do you come out of it and turn into an ape man? Because that happens in altered states. No, he came out of it and Bob Balaband gave him a joint. Oh, okay. Bob Balaband casually smoking weed at that party in that movie

is kind of technically the best part of that movie. But what I was saying was I totally fell asleep on a toilet for like an hour. Oh my God. That was fucking humiliated. I'm not sure if I told this story. My friend's bachelor party was in Canada. After a raucous couple of days there,

I had to get a train back to New York with a couple of my friends that I didn't trust anyone else to wake up, including myself, to wake up. I'm going to be the one that stays up the whole night. No matter what. That's bad. It's like 5 o'clock. We have to wake up at 7.

I'm not missing this thing. So I just have two hours to kill. And I'm like trying to watch a movie. It's not happening. I'm in a hotel. And I'm like, all right. I have an idea. I'm going to go in the hot tub.

That'll wake me up. That'll wake me right up. And I'll also, I will watch a whatever is on the TV. Because the TV in the hot tub room. It's a porno. No, no, no. A fistful of dollars. The guy's a genius.

No, I'm watching. I'm watching iRobot oh that'll put you right out and i'm also uh enjoying a tall glass of water because it's just left over and it's gonna go to ways yeah man why wouldn't you you're living the fucking dream so i feel like tony soprano a little bit sure like a low rent fat little tony soprano but i'm falling asleep in this this hot tub like i watched the movie like but like taking like six minute naps and like every couple of it's oh what's going on oh that's that robot you are lacking some gabagool. I wish I had got it.

I must point that out. I thought you were going to tell the story about that time we were drinking downtown at that scuzzhole bar the Patriot and you totally fell asleep on the toilet with the fucking door locked and our good friend

who's guested on the show before Vinnie Bresco had to fucking kick the door down. I wonder why I didn't tell that story. I will say it's a lovable tale. I will say that one night after drinking at the Patriot a couple pictures deep, immediately got home

He was a tredge to Queens and I just puked all over the bathroom. Nothing good ever comes from visiting at bar. No. And one in Toronto, we were like trying to sleep at like 4 a.m. And a guy we all know who I won't say on the podcast here. I won't say the name.

I think you mean Montreal, by the way. Montreal, yes, you're right. Because we used to be able to just drive up the highway and you could drink at 18. Decided this a packed like a hotel room of Pact of, like, teenagers, he decided to take a bubble bath and fell asleep in the bubble bath. Yeah.

It's relaxing. And I think you had to wake him up. I didn't get that fucker. You fell asleep in an ATM vestibule in that same trip, David. And nobody noticed. They did now, motherfucker. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for the month of November. Get your holiday tales into us for the December Mailbag, man.

disappointing Christmases or something. What did you want to get? What did you get? Coming back a semester of college for a semester of college. Oh, those are there. Thanksgiving just happened. Somebody must have gotten into an argument at that table. Oh, yeah.

Tell us about that. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until the next time we open the mailbag, I'm Andrew Jufin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.

That was a headgum podcast.