We Hate Movies - S8: WHM Mail Bag: Watching "8MM" in School, Almost Giving Birth While Listening to WHM, and "Christmas Film or Action Film?"

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

On the final WHM Mail Bag of the year, the guys read letters about fans almost giving birth while listening to the show, students watching the film 8MM in class, a story proving the Kennedy Fuck Tunnels exist, and someone's taste in movies ruins Christmas for the whole family! They also answer the most important question of the season: is Die Hard a Christmas movie?! PLUS: Joel Schumacher - Secret WW2 National Socialist - fights alongside the Red Skull! If you want your questions answered or stories told on the air, write into the mail bag—[e-mail]! We'll next re-open the mail bag in 2018! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Sadek, Christopher Cabin, and Eric Sixth. This is the final mailbag of 2017. Oh, man, what a year it's been. The final mailbag before my diet. Oh, for a second, I think you were to say death. Well, maybe this diet will be the death of him.

Oh, yeah, New Year's resolutions coming up. Coming up and get ready to break. Do anybody actually make resolutions? Make them and break them, baby. I don't really set goals. I just kind of make it happen. I just kind of make it happen. Wow.

I don't really set goals. I just make it happen. That's a thing you put on a poster. I will say there will be a little bit of a New Year's resolution for a Patreon. Some changes going on the Patreon. That's right. So stay tuned. So Steve Sadek, why don't you start us off with these letters?

This is a nice one. Oh, shit. Shit. Sometimes we get nice ones. Every once in a while, you know, because this show is disgusting. I don't know if anybody's noticed. If you guys noticed this, this show's disgusting. It's covered in shit and puke and piss and all. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I haven't noticed, but now you mentioned it, the smell.

People say we have found mouths. Mouths. Mouths. Ralph Mouth. That's pretty fucked up. W.H.M. and childbirth. Ooh. Wait, wait, right. I thought this was a nice one. That sounds gross.

It's a nice one, Eric. Do you see what comes out after the baby? Anyway, go on. Dear W.HM. It's the after W.HM that comes out. We're going to make it a not nice one. I've been listening for almost two years now, and where the fuck were you before?

No, that's it. I'm listening to W.H.M. for almost two years now, and my love and appreciation for your operation continues to grow. Nice. Recently, though, your program played an interesting role in the actual growing of my nuclear. family. Oh, boy.

It's not mine. My wife and I have been married for eight years in January. Have been eight years and in January we learned we were expecting our first child. Nice. We were overjoyed but also

terrified at this life-changing event and anxiety that only grew as the date approached. My stretch management included the comfort food of the W.HM back catalog listening to familiar episodes for the second and third time.

One night I headed off to shower with my phone perched on the towel rack WHM blasting away at full volume so I could hear the running water. Oh, yeah. Man, I hope someone's in the shower right now listening to me and they're lathering.

I'll tell you what, man. I get nervous here and stuff like this. Phones perched on towel racks. That's fucking going to swan dive into the toilet. And I was really busy, so I put the toaster next to the top. I need to cook this toast while I'm bathing. Yeah, you're a go-go millennial.

You know, everything has to be all at once. I prepared this while I bathed. While the dulcetone of the Predator 2 live show played, by the way, those live shows are great. Yeah, go back and check them out. Honestly, the audio quality is top notch. I paused from washing my hair and listened. For a moment, I thought I'd heard my name being called.

But hearing nothing further, I returned to my shampoo as Danny Glover taught a young Bill Paxon the lessons of a near, future Los Angeles Hellscape. A few minutes later, after, I paused a second time as I thought I heard my name again. Haunted House? I left from the shower, covered in soap, to find my wife on the floor in the next room.

She'd been yelling for help for several minutes. Whoa, to what, turn off the episode? As she had gone into advanced labor and could not stand up. Advanced labor. Yeah, that's like, that's like, AP labor, dude. You've got a test into that shit. Man, do you get college credit for it? You do.

Labor honors? Advanced labor and cannot stand up. We needed to leave in the hospital right away. My wife was remarkably calm and collected, even as I felt guilt and shame that my podcasting habits had nearly resulted in a very unplanned home birth. Look, man, it's not like you were drunk and couldn't drive the car to the hospital.

Every man needs a shower. Also, you know, so many people, like most people who have been alive have been born in barns, you know, right? Like hospitals is a new thing, so it's fine. Get born at home and listen to We Hate Movies. Well, if it was the Predator 2 episode that you were listening to, I feel fine because I wasn't there. That's right.

That's on you, motherfuckers. Oh, yeah. You skipped it. I did. No, you were on your, you were on a, you were on your, you were on your, yeah. Sojourn. He was on a, a walk about. An adventure, for sure.

You found that, you found that like a little blue rose and took it to Razalgoal. Yeah, I slid down a nice sheaf. Rub your chest, Chris. Your arms will take care of themselves. As will your penis. Same applies of your bathing right now, listening to this.

Yeah, rub your arms. Yeah, work the chest. I don't know where I was all go. That sounds like a lot. Thankfully, we made it to the hospital and our daughter safely joined us a half an hour later. Sick.

Best for you all. and a Merry Christmas to Best Holiday Wishes to you all and a Merry Christmas to my superstar wife Neil, Emily and Baby Zoe you should have named that girl Predator Honestly I guess that would make sense

Yeah Predator Or like here's our daughter Gary Busey Also by the way where's my Merry Christmas No he doesn't know That's the right way to do it Happy holidays to people I don't know what they're

What they're celebrating And I know my wife celebrates Christmas So I say Merry Christmas Gotcha. So he suspects one of us or more than one of us is, uh, anyway. Well, that's amazing. Yeah. Thanks for writing in Neil, Emily, and baby Zoe. Baby Zoe, your typing is impeccable.

Hey, who's coming to my birthday party? It's me. Baby Gary Busey. I was almost born on my kitchen floor because my dad was listening to a podcast. Came out teeth first. Oh, of course. I hit my head a little bit. It was sort of like a motorcycle accident.

Oh, God. I was forever changed. You know my baby. Chris Gavin. Let's do it. Should I stop? Okay. Is it or isn't it?

A question that has been popping up this time of year is the great debate of whether or not die hard is a Christmas movie. I for one think it is, as it's a guy who has to struggle through hardships just so he can spend Christmas with his family. isn't that the basis of a lot of Christmas movies? Also, it has Christmas music. I'm not sure I'm not the only listener to wonder about this quandary

and would love to get your guys take on this. You guys are awesome and thanks for considering the question. Richard. Okay, well, is it about Christmas? Yeah, kind of sort of, right? Is it? I mean, it's about domestic terrorism. Yeah, that's what I thought.

I just feel like a Christmas movie is a movie that you can watch around the holidays. So any movie? Yes, every, every movie That takes place in or around Christmas And involves Christmassy stuff I feel like Diehard is a Christmas movie It's fine

It's not like the best Christmas movie Like that's where you get into that sort of realm of like Bullshit Like it's not a movie You watch it with your grandmother When she's like let's watch a Christmas movie But like if you're hanging out And you're like want to watch a movie

Around Christmas Sure You can put on dying So does that make lethal weapon A Christmas movie? It would have to be Because it's also It's also in Southern California

I think an underrated Christmas movie is Gremlins. Really? That's where you want. I mean, that's totally a Christmas movie. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I guess it's all about like the time and place. But then does that mean if you're watching a movie, right? And then some

of that movie takes place over Christmas, but then we keep going. Is that movie then temporarily a Christmas movie? It's like I was watching this movie the other night and for a little bit it turned into a Christmas movie for a second. I guess Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy is kind of a Christmas movie by that metric.

Catch me if you can. You got no one else to call. You know, but then we move on. Then Christopher Walken Falls down the stairs. That's sad. I don't know. I guess I'm alone on that. I will watch it at Christmas.

It's one of those things here. It's going to be a big shock having this come out of my big mouth, but I don't care. Because I will see those things that's like, best Christmas movie, die hard, let's do it. And I'm like, man, if that fucking, you know, football fan wants to feel that way,

Like, that's totally fine. You're trying a little too hard. It's the attitude that it's clever to think like that. Yes, that's exactly. That's right. That's what bugs you about it. Is that like, no, who cares? It's a fucking movie. It's a good movie.

Who fucking cares? Oh, I'm going to blow your mind. You know what the best Christmas movie is? Oh, shit. Die hard, bro. Whoa. Wait, what? Well, aren't thou bored?

Put die hard on at Christmas. I think it can be, sure, it's kind of a Christmas movie. Sure. It's whatever you want. Whatever. That's the magic of diehard, dude. It's whatever you want. Especially those sequels.

If for some reason TNT plays Christmas vacation in May, I'm still going to watch it. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. Just like, stop. By the way, that's the best Christmas movie. Sure, it's awesome. As far as I consider it, but then someone else doesn't. It's about, I mean, yeah, exactly.

It's got Christmas in the title, first of all. Yeah, exactly. People are contemplating the holiday. They're not contemplating where to tactically be to shoot somebody in the head. Yeah, Die Hard also isn't called like, you know, Dyerhart on Christmas? Like fucking, you know, High Tower Christmas Heist. But, you know, it is a fun movie and, hey, watch it if you want.

Die Hard or Hans Gruber's worst Christmas ever. How the Hans tried to steal Christmas. while he's falling that might have been a cool touch actually that would cement it as a Christmas movie get some Vince Goraldi as he's meeting his end all right Eric all right so bear with me

I do not know how to read or write the VHS that somehow made it into my ninth grade English class I like where this is going already Hey gents I will never ever forget the day in my ninth grade English class when we watched

a certain VHS movie so just to set the scene my English teacher was a very old tiny petite lady I guess she was in her late 70s nice you wait nice for late 70s yeah that's what that's

that's what it was made it that far nice that's an accomplishment a gray fox is still a fox she was nice enough, but the best reason we loved being in her class was because it was almost a free day every day. Okay, so she was a bad teacher. Yeah, yeah, yep. She literally had zero control of that classroom. So one day I go into class and sit down in my seat with the rest of the classroom. My teacher stands in front of the class and says, we're taking a test today. Some of the more

brash students in the bag said nope i ain't taking a test today can we just watch a movie in an english class that's a problem that is a problem i mean this is um we we we i don't know where this guy uh guy or girl is from sure but uh i'm guessing it's the united states because it's terrible terrible school system this proceeded in a back and forth between students in the back and the teacher standing in the front it ended with uh the little old lady throwing your hands up and shouting, fine. Do what you want. Oh, man. So in the corner was the school TV on that cart. Oh, yeah. With the school's high school name drawn all over it and the VHS player underneath kids at home. It's a VCR. Yeah, it's not a VHS player. We called them VCR. Also, you know, it was

always crazy. I'm just putting this together now. They had those like straps on the TV that hooked it to the cart. Yeah, when they push it around. And they were. was definitely just so it didn't crush kids to death. I just put that together. Oh my God. I always thought it was like, because someone's going to steal it. I thought I was always... But that makes way more sense because you can just take it off a fucking

rope or whatever. Well, that's why I think also the TV was vandalized with the school's logo on it. Because you can't just walk out of the school with it. Also, never do the fine, do what you want to high school kids. You're not going to guilt a high school student into

anything. No, they will eat you a lot. Exactly. Do what you want. Exactly. Thanks. Bye, old lady. Did you ever have that moment, though? Because Steve, I know just like me and my youth, you enjoyed fucking with teachers. Sure, a little bit. Do you ever have that thing where you were like, like, a successful thing happened and the teacher flipped out? And then there was like that momentary pang of guilt that was like, oh, I took that too far. Like, oh, that person's legitimately upset right now. I know we had a teacher named Mr. Lushiku. And if you're out there, I apologize. apologize um he was a really i didn't take advantage of this guy he was a very sweet guy he was

uh he was not an american citizen he was a really sweet like guy from like gana i believe it was from gana and like really sweet math teacher and like would let everybody do whatever the fuck they wanted in senior year and they fucking took this guy to the grave man like nobody gave half a shit what this guy was saying what he did we learned nothing in that year and like He would just sit down and smile while people ran riot. Somebody got kicked in the nuts in his class. This is insane. It was a real wild ride.

That's bad. That's bad. Nut trauma. Why are you apologizing to him? He sounds like he's a terrible guy. He's a nice man. He's probably dead. No, he's not a nice man.

And he probably is dead. But he's not a nice man because a nice person would have given those kids something. An education? What's for? Wait a second, though. Was he a substitute? No, no, he was the teacher. Oh, he was the teacher of the class.

That's worse. It was a real wild semester. Being checked out is not being nice. It's being checked out. You just resign yourself, though, to the fact that, like, I lost those kids. Yeah, I mean, what's the point? Look at Steve.

Imagine if he had an education. Where he could be. What he could do? Instead, he's reading this. letter. Well, wait, I'm reading. You're reading the letter, Eric. Speaking of which, educated, Eric.

I'm very stupid. One of the kids in my class pushed the TV forward to the middle of the class that started perusing the four to five coverless VHS tapes. Man coverless tapes. Warning sign. Beaches. His eyes get wide. He grabs one and raises it up to the teacher and says, we're going to watch this.

It was fucking 8mm stars in Nicholas Cage. Oh, no. What was it doing at a school? That's a great question. That's a huge question. You know, it shouldn't be in schools, guns, knives, and VHS copies of 8mm. This is what will happen. This is what will happen to you, boys.

Oh, do you think it was from a scared straight program? You will be machined. Oh, shit, that's pretty cool. For those who don't know, Cage is a private detective. paid by a rich old lady to figure out why her dead husband had an eight millimeter of a snut film locked in his safe. It's a big

time hard R as you can imagine. Oh yeah it is. Is that Joel Schumacher? It is indeed. Yeah. Yeah. Steve's movie buddy. Right. You went to the movies with him. I did go to the movies once at Joel Schumacher. Or

someone who looked like Joel Schumacher. It's definitely Joel Schumacher. Okay. You know, you're probably right It's, uh, you know, I talked to him. Yeah, about Batman? No, no, he was just a nice guy. And then you went home and found a YouTube clip of him in an interview and you compared? Yes, yes.

Put it all together. Enhance. Oh, that's definitely him. No, it's like, I actually, I tried. I just don't know how you recognize Joel Schumacher. It's easy to tell. No, what I did, Eric, was I treated him like an old Nazi, so I made him like accidentally touch a coffee cup. And then I set that off to the Swiss and they did the.

they did their fingerprints. Oh, man, good, this is, it's, it, they found him. They found Joel Schumacher. The butcher. They found the butcher. The butcher are the cinema. The butcher to the Batman. The teacher asked, what is that?

Is it appropriate for kids? So the kid didn't know. He shrugged his shoulders and said it's Nick Cage. It's fine. I think so. So full disclosure, I saw this garbage fest in, theaters with my friends. Wow.

And I knew damn well it was far from appropriate. I had two options. Say something and get verbally abused by the other students in the back for ruining the movie day or two shut up. In this case, you got to shut up. You got to shut up. Let it play out. What's the worst that's going to happen here?

Your fellow classmates are going to watch 8 millimeters. Well, if there's a couple of catlicks in there. Yeah, that's true. They go home to mom and dad. But who gives a shit? Yeah, exactly. It's not my problem. It's not my job to figure out what's going on in this classroom. And no one's going to be like, oh, Joey, you know, Joey saw that movie. And no one knows that. Nobody knows you went to the movies, Joey.

I chose to. I didn't say a goddamn word. He popped it in. And off we went on an adventure with Nick Cage. A few hours later. And many horrified faces, it ended and we left class. Well, you watched this entire movie? She just let it play for the entire movie. But also how long is this class that you could watch a featureling film? I had some longer classes. I did too. They started doing this weird block scheduling. Where you double up.

Where it was being like, now you have three hours of science. And then you don't have it tomorrow. Yeah. Oh. Wow. I think I had that for like two years maybe. Hashtag not in our school district. We had that, yeah.

Weird. But like, that movie is two hours long. At least it's over two hours. So you got three hours to fill. there you go you're probably thinking why didn't the teacher stop this madness

well her desk was situated behind the TV and she sat there the whole time and never getting the whole time never getting up once another reason

was she had a horrible hearing and probably couldn't hear anyway yikes I cannot figure out to this day how the hell that movie was placed amongst educational videos

at my freaking high school the only part I even remember about that awful movie was when the main masked bad guy, that's machine, right? That's machine himself was revealed. I remember laughing at how much he resembled George Costanza.

Yeah, that's what's his face? David, or no. What's his name? He's in the deuce. He's the guy from, yeah, he's in like all those. Peter Stormare? No, no, no, no. He's a thousand pancakes.

Oh, Chris Bauer. Chris Bauer. That's right. He's a thousand pancakes. Thank you, gentlemen. Keep up the great work And thanks for reading my story Well, you are welcome

Name Not Given Well, you don't want to give a name For a story like that man You could trace back to this poor woman That's suck She's probably dead And she was not nice Well, I don't think

So she deserved to die They all deserve to die, Chris All right A potential Kennedy Fuck Tunnel story Nice All right Dear WHM

the Kennedy Fuck Tunnel Talk in the Murder at 1600 episode reminded me of an incident an old co-worker of mine had with JFK a tunnel and very likely some fucking

my co-worker Charlie was a pretty incredible guy born in the Bronx sounds incredible to me he faked his birth certificate to join the Marines and fight in World War II oh you had to battle Joel Schumacher

after the war he settled down with his wife and started working for the Bell Phone Company in New York City. He had a pretty exciting career and eventually became a supervisor of a phone installation crew. Uh-oh. One of his responsibilities was setting up temporary lines for important customers. One of these installations involves setting up a temporary office for the Democrats in the early 60s. The office was connected to a parking area and several other buildings via tunnels.

As he was moving equipment through these tunnels, he was stopped by a well-dressed, familiar-looking man. The man asked for directions to a nearby apartment building, explaining he had a party to get to. Ira, there's a party in my pants. Charlie directed the man who thanked him, jogged off, and was then chased by several Secret Service agents. Get him!

Charlie then realized he just... Why didn't you stop him? All right, fuck it. We'll have to do it in Dallas. We'll do it in Dallas, then. Charlie then realized he had just met President Kennedy and had enabled him to attend a clandestine rendezvous. Charlie never saw him again, but he always talked with pride

about the time he helped JFK probably get laid. No one needed to help that guy. Thanks for the awesome podcast, and let me know if you ever need any stories about the always terrifying LBJ, Matt. Yes, please send in your LBJ stories. That goes for all the older listeners listening as well.

Yeah. I mean, that's weird. He was a weird story. Many a lonely bar patron has maybe heard this story. Guaranteed dude. Of course. Charlie's story. Anybody who will listen to it. This dude probably went to the grave telling that

story. He's telling ghosts about it right now. Anything for a well drink. Yeah, I mean, it's possible it was just like some Irishman. followed by like a bunch of goons possible. Right. It was also possible this guy was just drinking in a gutter.

Yes. And it was like I met the president. I feel like this is more the case. I faked my birth certificate. Fought the Nazis by myself. Dude, do you think Charlie's whole life was a lie? Oh, absolutely. His name was Dave.

And I stole a cube from the red skull. And Yeah, I fought, I fought alongside an iron man. Man drunk Captain America. Do you think Red Skull made it into, like, in the MCU universe, like there's like history books about the Red Skull at that point? Like, you know what I mean?

I would hope so. Are kids learning about the Red Skull in grade school? You would have to. Yeah, I think so. I mean, that guy changed to history. Yeah. Yeah, because like the history books is all about Captain America, right? Yeah, they just hand the kids comic books in school.

well actually though I don't know wouldn't this be something you tried to cover up yeah the red skull is that what shield's job is for but don't they all you'd have to learn the entire history of the X-Men it depends on like what thing you'd have to know all of it that shit like went back to the 70s that's true I mean the X-Men

are public figures it depends on what could be used well for propaganda if we think we could like make these kids really proud of their country by saying like we've fisted the Red Skull then we will say I mean excluding Alabama, of course, because

they know it's at this point. Did they do what they want to do? I think the Red Skull retired there. That's the weird thing is like in the world of X-Men Days of Future past, like after that whole like stadium event at the end of that movie, nothing is going well.

Like I don't know if there's mutants left. I don't know if there's fucking, we have states or cities. Like the president was almost killed by Magneto. Yeah, it's a wild thing. And the fact that like it's supposed to be the same timeline, like Magneto as Ian McKellen is still farting around doing things? I don't buy it.

Would you think like Nixon got a bump in the polls after that? Yes, of course. Bump in the polls? Oh, thank God those mutants came. Oh boy, I was really sweating it because the war wasn't working. I mean, when apocalypse comes around at this point, like there are

so many books written about these people. Yes, yes. And their histories. But the timeline keeps changing. That's true. So like, What was it, Tasker? Yeah, Trask. Went from Bill Duke to Peter Dinklage. Oh, right.

I forgot about that. Because it's time. There's shit they're doing is changing time a little bit. So what kids are learning is constantly in flux. That's true. Some kids had learned that, but now it has been changed in their minds because the timeline changed. Oh, man. We're getting into a lot of weird time travel talk right now.

The cover art at least is changing. All right, Steve, let's continue. A sad movie Christmas Oh God Hey guys I love the show I've been listening to this 2013 first time writer

I heard you want Disappointing Christmas Stories and thought I'd share one Where I ruined Christmas From my whole family Okay My family had one tradition

We have doing since I was a child Every Christmas morning After opening gifts We drink hot chocolate And watch Christmas vacation Nice Even as an adult It's still something

I look forward to When I go to visit On the holidays But on Christmas Eve 2006 my mom tells me she has a surprise for me on Christmas morning and she can't wait to show me we unwrap our gifts and get the hot chocolate ready

as I look for Christmas vacation my mom goes hold on I found one last gift oh no I read ahead and it gives me a big mom smile I unwrap it and to my horror it's National Lampoon's Christmas vacation to Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure

Oh, no. Push your mom down the stairs. She starts talking so excitedly. I can't believe they made a sequel and we haven't seen it. Have you heard about it? I already talked to your dad. We're going to watch it this morning. Maybe we can do this one for a few years.

Oh, torture. I sentenced you to a few years. Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. Hard labor, man. Hard watching. It must have just been in and out at the theaters that it definitely was released in. How did I miss this?

Wait a second, though. So this is like, because they're not saying, the writer of this is not saying, like, she pulled out a Netflix envelope. No, no, this is a purchased copy. We purchased this. All four dollars. Any question, has anyone in the room seen this film?

I have not. No. I have not either. I was hoping someone would shed some of that. And I'm a big fan of that, you know, because of vacation. Well, I got a gift for you then. Oh, good.

bend over it I'll show you but my mom has the worst taste in movies so I know she'll like and we will end up watching this one every year if I allow it to go any further I'm much like Chris Cabin in that I don't watch movies I don't want to see under any circumstances

we call those jerks so I'm Steve no problem shut up jerk so I just looked at her and said mom this is going to be bad let's watch the original she looked at me and said but but you haven't seen it i thought you'd be so excited oh no i just told her no mom this isn't a good movie okay i have an ejector seat

okay okay like and this is when i would be pulling it as soon as the tears start to come a christmas morning slap down this is rough she started crying and told me how she found this DVD months ago Oh no wait And then did she start getting berated Because it was standard deaf DVD And started From this DVD months ago

And had been so excited to give it to me She tells me that I'm very hard to shop for Obviously And thought that this would be a real winner Oh God My dad looks at me and goes Oh now why'd you have to go do that for You couldn't just watch the movie

my mom goes into the kitchen and I sit on the couch reflecting on the choice I just made. Oh my God. We ended up watching the original Christmas vacation like normal and still due to this day. I don't regret my choice but making your mom cry on Christmas morning is something you probably should not strive to do.

What's the worst gift you've ever gotten for Christmas? This question is for Chris Cabin. And now this question is for Chris Cabin. Can you remember any of the times you told people where you say I'm not watching this? like the guy's constantly reference on the show Steve, not me, but some other guy. Wow, that is

some tale. I think I would have just watched the movie. And then I can confirm it's bad and oh, you know, thanks for the thought mom, but yeah, the tradition will live with Christmas Vacation 1, which we're going to put on right after Eddie's Island, whatever.

And this is, this is 2006. This is the age of the laptop and like the smartphone. We're there, man. Take us back. The age of the laptop. Well, no, so you can do other things while it's on. Yeah, definitely. And like, I'm fine with that. Just don't ask me to pay attention. That's all I really ask. I feel like, you know, at the worst, it's a terrible movie. But at best, it's still Cousin Eddie. Maybe there's a similar

like shitters full kind of line. Don't do that. You don't know, though. I do. No, you don't. You never saw the movie. What are you judging stuff? Yes. Without reading it? Like from the cover? But Chris, I bought it because I thought you'd like it so much. I wanted you to be so excited.

I've been bursting at the seams trying that to tell you for months now. You've made a mistake. You got it at a Memorial Day sale. You know, that's... I will say that's the best part of having a divorced family situation because you never get the... Oh, now you got your mother crying, God damn it. Yeah, you can get away with making your mom cry. Yeah, you beat them up on their, like, solo, right?

Yeah, there's easy to tackle. I will say, I do have a, I'm not watching that story, though. Okay, what's that? It wasn't on Christmas or anything. It was just like any, it was like, you know, we used to, you know, I'd go home and watch movies with my mom. And she had bought, because she does this, just without seeing it, she bought how to lose a guy in 10 days. Oh, she's a blind buyer. she will do that um but don't you like that movie no i still have not seen it what is that movie

that is uh isn't a kate hudson and matthew mcanaughey and she's like writing an article about how to lose a guy in 10 days don't you want to picture them fucking no so hey chris don't you want to picture me fucking on christmas all right i'm fucking on christmas i'm sculpted my dick is a flat circle look at my buttocks so what what's your story I'm sorry just that she was like oh why don't we watch this

and I said well why don't we don't and that's it yeah that was kind of like I mean she she knows me and she like just laughed she started bawling she was just crying her eyes out

it was also in the middle of a crowded restaurant she pulled out like a cart like a TV carts and a crowded restaurant well you know Chris I hear they have good Italian food at this room

Now, Chris, I'm going to speak Italian to this How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days DVD. Don't you mind. Don't you mind. What's the worst Christmas gift? Oh, Jesus, that's tough, man. I got a few years of just not having any which kind of just didn't really celebrate for a while. Yeah, I got a little bit of that too.

I remember one year I got a, I was a little little kid. I got a Ninja Turtles shave kit. Oh, no. And it was like garbage. unscented shaving cream and then a plastic razor with no blade in it wait what why I don't to get you ready for manhood baby dude it was an odd gift oh I got ninja turtle condoms when I was eight and they're like we'll get ready for this dude my fucking green ninja turtle enema secret of the ewes I remember I got a

this is shitty I got a copy of the film Dodgeball on DVD and it was full frame I never opened it Because it was full frame Yeah and then threw it away Yeah I got like my mom would get her wires crossed Occasionally at Blockbuster For Christmas she gave me A copy of a movie called

Roommate with D.B. Oh, I know roommates And I have no idea why Like you know what I mean? Like A it's not a good movie B it's not a popular movie See like I don't know like It's not a movie that anyone was talking about you're like how did you even hear about this exactly like it was just such a baffling artifact in my house

did you have to ask the clerk to find this exactly like have i have i expressed to you in the past my fondness for peter falk or d b sweeney like it's just like a sappy meldrama like old man melodrama like you know i like action movies and like whatever like yeah get me a time cop or something yeah that's a time cop yeah two time cops to go please uh all right watch one in the car on the way home. Chris Cabin. Last one. Last one here. Disappointed on Christmas.

Oh, boy. Hello, WHM crew. You asked for a disappointing Christmas story, so here you go. As a teen in the late 90s, I was totally obsessed with two things, pro wrestling and video games. Boy, do I have a game for you.

Which is why I was beyond excited when WCW World Tour was released for Nintendo 64. That game changed me for a bit. That was a very important. You went into Chrysalis. No, I had been a dormant wrestling fan for years. And then your voice got deeper.

Wait, are you sure you're not thinking of WCW versus NWO? Yes. Because that was the one that did it for me. That game for 64. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, wait, no. Wait, is this a lesser game you're saying? I think World Tour was the first one and then versus NWO happened after it maybe.

Oh, because I don't think I've ever played this one, but I've played the shit out of WCW versus NWO. I never played either, and I had an N64. It was just, it was a really cool wrestling game that I played the ever-loving shit out of. I think you're right.

It might have been double... It was because it was a... It was two that actually did it because it was that, and then they had the attitude-era game for WWS. And that was the, that was like customizable rasslers

that you could make and shit. Oh, man, and I was going crazy. You guys hung out throughout the New World Order phase. Yes. Well, no, I was gone for a long time. I was like, what's going on? What's Hulk Hogan wearing?

and that's what brought me back because this video game got me back in a wrestling. Really? See, like when I saw what Hulk Hogan was wearing and I was just like no. Never going back now. But that was pre-Hawleywood Hogan though, right? NWO Hogan was a different thing. Hollywood Hogan. He was

like an ultra-fascist or something. Like he started wearing black, right? Yes, yeah. They all were. And what was what was his objective? It's just a new world order. We're going to bring We're going to bring down the WCW from the inside, brother. Yeah, I never understand when, like, these people make, like, political coups inside of a wrestling organization.

Yeah. To get the championship belt. There's no, like, power with the championship belt. That's right, brother. So then we shot Vince McMahon in the head. We got him in Dallas. We got Saddam Hussein's belt. That's probably a good belt.

Todd McMahon up by the ankles, attached it to do a horse, and slap that horse. on the ass. Finswick Man, you will now be hung from the neck till dead. Then we Gaddafi his children. Jesus. The game came out in June

so that gave my brother and I six whole months to drop hints and basically beg our parents for the game. We would give them newspaper clippings that featured the game as well as call them into the room whenever the commercial was on and pointed out whenever we saw it

in the stores. Hello, Mr. Santa Claus. How did you miss the game I wanted? I gave you all the clues. You know, a crazy thing. I haven't seen that movie yet. I know it's terrible. I want to watch it because I'm reading the book. And unless I missed some gross detail,

that whole Mr. Police thing is not in the book. Well, that makes the book a lot better, probably. I've got like maybe 20 pages left and everything's wrapping up. That's the thing. It's the last line. all right as Christmas approached and presents started appearing under the tree I noticed a rectangular box

wrapped in gold paper I knew the shape could only be one thing Arnold Palmer's golf putting challenge Wasn't that always the thing of it though Like you inspected the size of the box You'd be like that's definitely a fucking DVD that's a Super Nintendo game That's an action figure

Do the little shake maybe No one's looking It's okay I'll just take a little shake No one's looking it's fine Did anybody have the uncle or aunt Who got really off on like Making it a box

And like you expecting something else Oh yeah But tricking you My dad was that way Oh really Like either He would sometimes like switch the tag So I would get my brother's gift

You know what I mean That kind of fun stuff A little trickster A little trickster under the tree. He would hide stuff. He'd make clues, like the whole thing. Wow.

He gave you all the clues. I gave you all the clues. Yeah, that was my dad. As Christmas WCW World Tour for Nintendo 64. This is when I came up with my brilliant plan. I was going to unwrap one side of the paper. This never works.

Slide the game out. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. And replace it with a game we already had. That way, my brother and I could enjoy the game for an extra two weeks of victimist crime. No, it's not. Oh, man. I unwrapped one side of the paper to see the Nintendo logo. I opened the box and set out the game to find Diddy Kong fucking racing.

Ooh, a miscalculation. That's a pretty good game. It's a great game. You fucking fly a plane? It's cool as shit. It's like Mario Kart, but like not, but sort of still fun. Yeah. Yeah.

But then why am I not just playing Mario? Well, that's the real question. Well, maybe you want some fresh characters. To play the same exact type of game. You fly a plane, I just told you. I forget. Into a tower. I don't think you can beat Donkey Kong in that game

because I think he was contractually obligated to only race with Mario. I think that's right. You couldn't get him on that tour. Sorry, brother. The Italians squeezing me pretty hard on this contract. What was the relationship between Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong I think it was, no, I think it was

Uncle nephew. Yeah. Wait, Uncle nephew, Diddy, that's not a girl's name? No, he was a boy. He had a little red cap. There was a girl, though. There was a Daisy Kong. It looked like a, like.

No, now I remember Diddy Kong very well. Yeah. He was mischievous. They could have been fucking well. Just say. I mean, anyone could be fucking. They could have been fucking. They're not even human.

I don't know why. They're pixels. We act like they should have. like a nuclear family dynamic anyway he was a troublemaker he got into a lot of trouble I was pissed

how can my parents fuck this up oh my god not only were my brother and I giving daily hints to my parents but at this point the game we wanted was six months old and was considerably cheaper than Diddy Kong racing I felt like they had

to they had done this on purpose to ruin Christmas and I wasn't going to let these fuckers get away with it. Oh, shit. What a little shit. Oh, my God, the next lines, that's when I got out the kitchen night. No, it's not. My last name is Menendez.

Oh, my God. I butcher those sheep while they slept. Wow, the truth comes out. It was all over. WCW World Tour for Nintendo 64. Do you remember? Do you think that's what? Does E.E. Falco fucking reveal that at the end of that

Law & Order show nobody watched? I wanted to watch it. I'm forgetting to watch it. What are you crazy, kid? You'll wrestle your eye at. I told my brother, who was also pissed, and we decided to wait until Christmas. And then break their necks.

Unwrapped the shitty game and really let my parents have it. That's what Christmas is all about, letting people have it. The 12 days of Christmas is about stewing on something. Get prepared to yell at your parents. Going it through, planning it in your head. Christmas came, and my

brother lost his mind. He started screaming at my parents, even told them that they were dead to him. My father was pissed and my mother was in tears. Wow, this is out fucking rages. This is why we shouldn't give presents. I got to tell you, there's one more twist in this story. It's my favorite thing. I have no idea what's coming.

This is going to be exciting. My brother got sent to his room while I thanked my parents for the awesome game. Wow. I totally fucked over my brother. Yep. But if I wasn't getting my game, I was at least going to get some entertainment this Christmas. My brother didn't speak to me for weeks. My parents were pissed at my brother for even longer.

Oh, man. What makes it worse is a few weeks after Christmas, my cousin broke his ribs. All of them? Jumping off his roof, emulating his favorite wrestler Randy Savage. Oh, yeah, those ribs are tall. You punctured your lung Bonesaw is ready to Oh, oh God

It's all purple Purple Because of this His parents made him Put all of his wrestling stuff In a box and give it to my brother Inside the box Was a bunch of toys, posters

and WCW World Tour Not Nintendo 64 Oh man Nice Not only did we get the game we wanted, but Diddy Kong fucking racing was pretty fun, too. Of course it was. It was a great game. It was a really fun game. I'm

a terrible person, but your podcast is the best around. Thanks for all the funny, Gary. Well, I will say, Gary, that your brother is even worse than you because you went through with it. Exactly. You didn't act on it. And, hey, we're not the thought police. I think

horrible shit, nonstop. But I'll never act on those impulses. And also, Gary, way to read a room. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's true. He saw his brother's speech going south, buttoned up. Also, Mr. Police, I will never act on it. Just want to get that in audio confession.

Yeah, yeah, to have it there. That's W.HM Mailbag for the month of December and the year of 2017, everybody. Good riddins. Good riddins. Indeed. So continue getting letters in. Maybe report back on this year's Christmas. For January, see what happens.

Or you know what, actually? Because by the time we do the January mailbag, everybody, maybe. I guess it depends upon when we record it. But if you have a terrible New Year's, I want to hear about it. Oh, yes. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until 2018, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeh.

Chris Cabin. Eric Sisko. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.