We Hate Movies - S9 Ep1: WHM Mail Bag: Explaining Movies to Old People, Celeb Sightings at the Cinema, and more!

Episode Date: May 11, 2019

On this month's episode, the gang opens up the Mail Bag to read letters from people who unfortunately wore WHM merchandise to a doctor's office, got caught explaining entire films to old people, and watched abhorrent puppet pornography in film school. PLUS: Steve is awarded his prize for winning "The Bet" by none other than his TV favorite, the Masked Singer! If you want your wild stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the gang, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Uh, what the fuck is that? Let's just started with that. What the fuck is that? I am a masked singer. Oh, I sing. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow.

Yay, Vern Troer was disrespected. You won the bet. I know, but... I'm dressed as your favorite television show. The masked singer was one of my... Oh, right. Oh, who could you guess who the singer is? I am not sleeping.

I'm never going to sleep again. This is the worst. The fact that the tallest member had to do this as well, it's not okay. You also do not like masked things and face paint and shit. Nope. He's like legitimately freaked out. What's that? Why are you watching it on the toilet?

Because I'm at the safety of my own home. Yeah, but you also like, Marvel and DC characters, and they wear masks all the time? Safety of my own home. I'm not inches away. That's right. Well, I guess don't go to the theater then. So people don't, if they don't know, Stephen Sadek of this program, did a bet with us that Vern

Troyer would be Farinad from the Oscars. Right. Which would mean he was cut out of the immemorial section because he's dead. Yes. We bet Stephen Sadek money By the way, this is Andrew Jupin, Chris Kavan, and I'm Eric Siska. Hello, everyone. Hi.

This is incredibly weird. Wait, I thought I was the mask singer. Oh, yeah. You know what? So then just demask yourself, please. I thought it was Eric Roberts under there. I think we should pay. Yeah, give me 20.

Yeah, that's 20 big ones. Each way. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. This is the first and last time.

throw dollar bills at you, by the way. Oh, my God. This is delicious. This is wonderful. Yeah. I will. I don't have dignity. I will pick it up from the floor. Oh, yeah. Look at it. Now, I want to be clear about this because everyone's... We got some late-night McDonald's.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I want to be clear about this because people might misconstrue this as me being happy that Vern Troyer is dead. are. Nothing could be further from the truth. I thought that was the whole point of it. Why is that mask back on?

Because he has to go find Ethan Hawk. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am celebrating my intelligence at understanding the callousness and business nature of the Academy Award in the committee for cutting out the great Vern Troier who deserved to be in that

memoriam on that memoriam. And I'm going to spend this money on Cheetos. There you go. Oh, Cheetos. All Cheetos. I was guessing. I was guessing McDonald's. Nothing but Cheetos at that money? Do you say at Egg Stars and nothing but Cheetos? Yeah.

Try the Flaming Hat. So by the way, this is W.HM mailbag for the month of March. Oh, there it goes. So as soon as you're done fitting all that money into your pocket. I don't know if it could fit. There's just so much money in here.

Oh, I do want to mention the mask singer's speaking. Sure. This is still going on, huh? You're supposed to sing this. Whatever you're about to say, should be singing. If you're listening to this later,

you could see it earlier on YouTube. That's right. YouTube channel. Keep doing. Our We Hate Movies Move Tube channel. Hit the notes. I, you would not proceed on the masked singer. Really?

You sir are notary Bradshaw. Let me tell you this. Oh my God. Well, he had time to prepare. He did. I did this on a look. I just happened to have this mask. And it was all right.

I don't worry about it. I just happened to have a mask. this mask, by the way, that's fucking incriminating. Weirdly, you both have CTE. Who would have guessed? Strange. It's a strange thing. Now, for not me, but for the people

watching. What is CPE? That's just the brain damage you get from concussions. I did take quite a spill once. All right, we are here reading some letters. Steve Sadek, why don't you get us started with that right now? The month of March.

W.H.M. Fans are everywhere. Hey guys I had to get some intimate parts checked out at the doctor yesterday And I was wearing my W-HM Figure It Out shirt

Which I don't I mean like Graphic T's in general at the doctor Like it's kind of like I'm not there to entertain I want to be as anonymous as possible I don't want them to glean any of my interests From my clothing

Well you're giving yourself away If you have like a comic book shirt They're like you're not eating well are you yeah i wanted to be a mystery dude i want to give them all the answer first of all they know you're not you're not doing you got to really choose where you're wearing stuff like that also by the way bumper stickers either way you lean you're just you're putting a target on your fucking back honestly i'm really paranoid about stuff like that if someone takes anything the wrong way exactly oh what if i don't like the green lantern motherfucker here's here's it going yeah sure

uh here's it going uh here's it going uh what what what motion is that that somebody's stabbing you with Up your ass, up your ass. Give me over the Gaddafi, dude. I thought it was the ass. Here's it going. So, yeah, the letter reading? It turned out the physician's assistant was a fan. Oh, nice.

So it turned out, so it was a really nice and calming to chat about WHM while she took my vitals. However, it got weird when the doctor was inspecting my nether regions while the PA was telling me how funny the Buddy Brigade was. You know what? When we're talking like touching nether regions and whatnot, probably time to cut out the old chit-chat. Exactly. Our common interests have ended at my genitals as usual. Absolutely.

Did you love the butter biscuit? How your ball's doing? Oh, yeah, that's cancer. Oh, yeah. And also, like, clearly this, this, I'll spoiler it, this gentleman, clearly this gentleman has something going on that he went. This isn't just a checkup. He's like, I have to go to get my shirt.

shit checked out something's going on something's on fire down there something is on fire down there what's that ass check that

they do when you're older the prostate colonoscopy you best start believing in them you're in one well that's

is it is another region is nether regions I mean I said you're talking oh it might be his asshole yeah

front door back door situation Steve was saying you guy got stabbed in his ass that's true froncy backs

you know I was saying Momar Gaddafi got stopped up the ass that was a medical thing no I think

it was like a regime change. But how many of the buddy is one of the most awkward experiences of my life. That's so fucking funny. And embarrassing. It's great. So either W.H.M. now is a new association or I now have an uncomfortable new fetish. Only time will tell. Thanks for all the laughs. Steve. Not this Steve, F. Y. That's a nice story.

I mean, you know why, because this Steve, the Steve who did this, you know, A, probably has some sort of genital problem. And two, and two, he doesn't have 60 big ones. Well, you know what I'm talking about? You don't have 60 big ones. You know what? He just may have $60. I don't know about that. If you got 60 big ones down there, get that checked out.

You make fun of this, but I can only ejaculate when I hear WTF. Pow! I just creamed my pants. Who's your guys? Who's your guys? Talk about your Mount Rushmore. Come here, Boomy. Boomy?

That's another YouTube guy. Oh, what was that YouTube thing? There was like this dude who fucked a cat. Oh, yeah. Or everybody said he fucked a cat and he got all the dignited about it. I don't need that guy's fucking fans in my mentions. Is that a Shane Dawson thing? I don't know.

I don't know any of the people you watch on YouTube, Chris Cabin. Yes, I watched them all. Speaking of Chris Cabin, take us to that next letter. Let me explain. Oh, said by Chris Cabin a lot in real life. Quite a lot. Hey, guys. A recent mailbag mentioned having to explain movies to inattentive theater goers,

which reminded me of the time I had. to do that for an entire theater. A few years ago, I was in your hometown visiting elderly, were you there just to see us? Why were you in our hometown? A few years ago, I was in your hometown visiting elderly relatives of mine in Forest Hills. Queens represent? Where many elderly relatives reside. That's true.

I had a few hours for you and decided to catch a matinee movie at the Midway on Queens Boulevard. Sure. The only people who... Which one's that? I am Queens Boulevard. Vincent Chase, Antaro. Anyone ever been to the Midway? Queensville, there's a little forest tells you, we were more a story-based, yeah.

I think there was one time I may have been at the midway. There was, do you ever go there? It was a theater. It is kind of deep out there. It's like an indie theater. I saw, what was that Andy Samberg movie that was like a dromedy that actually turned out to be pretty good? Celeste and Jesse forever. Yes, yeah.

I saw that there. Okay. And that might be where we're talking. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. The only people who were there to see. see the nice guys at two in the afternoon on a workday were me and about 20 old folks getting out

the New York summer heat. Yep, that checks out. As you will. After the movie, I got up to leave and one of the older viewers flagged me down, excuse me, young man. Oh, here we go. Thanks a lot, old people.

What was in the briefcase they were after? Oh, my God. It's Marcella Wallace's soul. You know that. Oh, the nice guys. I don't even remember. Yeah, I forget. Good movie, though.

It could be, I mean, it could just be a golden light, too. I like that movie. I explained, and she didn't understand. So I ran through the entire plot of the movie for her. Oh, Lord Almighty. Around the time I started describing Keith David's role in the story, boy, you are going into detail. I looked up and noticed that every single person in the theater had gathered around.

They all needed the same explanation. The nice guys, correct me from it, because I haven't seen it, That's the comedy with Mark Wahlberg and... No, Ryan Gosling. No, Ryan Gosling and Russell Crow. And Russell Crow, that's the same black, black. The other guys. You know, all these guys movies, you know what I mean?

You know, I'm just going to say it. Movies for guys. It's too many guys. Too many guys. Yeah, too many guys. Although a great bit in the other guys is with Sam Jackson and they're not super famous Dwayne Johnson and they like jump off the building

and they both kill themselves immediately. Pretty fucking great. Also, car chase scenes filmed in all. Albany, New York. How about that? All right. The other guys is the Ryan Gosselin one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's great about filming car chases in Albany. So you can't wait to get out of there. Huh? Pedal to the metal. Maybe you should put that mask back down. I would love to live like this. You look like the killer in that fucking George Romero movie Bruiser. He does indeed.

Or can you do me a favorite? Can you give me a line reading of, Jack, I just wanted to see the paintings. John, I thought we were going to see the painting. Yeah, see, that's right. That's Jerry Hall. There it is. There it is. Mrs. McJagger over here. Mrs. Roger Ailes these days, not Roger Ailes, the other one. Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch, yes. Wasn't she also with McJagger? Yeah, that's right. We'd be both at her. But now I'm going to because I'll Rupert Madock. Oh, yeah. I thought we were going to see the racists. You're looking at them, baby. You know what? I would buy that for Steve Bannon.

Oh, sure. You needed to be about 70 times bigger. Yeah. I'm sorry, we're not done with the letter. I apologize. Continue. They all thanked me afterwards. Thank you, young man.

Like, it's not memento. It's a cop movie. What the... Okay, never mind. Well, because they were falling asleep constantly, Captain, because they're old and decrepit. I suppose that's true. Making me feel a weird mix of pride and discomfort. Have you ever had to recap a movie for people just after the credits rolled?

Thanks for reading, and thanks for reading. making me miss the Outer Burroughs every week, Adam in Pittsburgh. Yeah, speaking of George Romero. I do remember, I've said this before a few times, but when I saw Memento when it came out, at the end of the movie, an old lady yelled out in the crowded theater.

Did anybody get it? I think the same lady was in my theater. No one explained it to her though. It happened often enough because I used to go to movies with buddies in high school, not in the best state of mind not as sober as a clam Yeah, fucked up

Fucked up, Brahim And Bro, we gotta go fuck up Before we're gonna go to the Palom Regal and see fucking whatever Oh bro, you gotta see Fuck a Vanella Sky, bro fucking crazy

You know, you can't be watching Talking to Vanilla Sky actually Put that mask down There he goes There it is That's what this was So I was just driving And Cameron Diaz said something

About my car movie and next thing I know I got this mask but no the next thing I know Kurt Russell's my doctor I'm actually enjoying it I remember many a cold drive home with friends where I had the best

reading comprehension or movie comprehension of the film well because it's actually everyone's like okay all right first of all no one should have been driving but in any event yes my aunt went to see

I heart Huckabies with me oh that's a nightmare And then, like, afterwards, she's like, what is that about? And I get maybe three minutes in. She's like, you know, it never mind. Yeah, dude, that was my fucking mindset with that piece of shit. Yeah, everyone hated it. I remember not hating it.

I really liked that movie. I didn't care for it. I really did it. What am I, one of the better rustles, I think. I had never have had the need to explain things like that coming out of a theater, mainly because I'll just ignore any fucking old person that asked me for assistance with some cockamamie shit like that. But then also, like, I never really went.

and saw movies with my family but I remember one time we were at my parents' house and we had on just flipping through channels and we had on either the dark oh it was the Dark Night Rise

I think specifically and it's like the last 20 minutes of Christopher Nolan's dark night opus right my mom who has seen not a second

of these movies starts asking questions and usually I entertain it but I was like mom this is like the seventh or eighth hour of these movies and I can't possibly

begin to tell you what's going on here. I'm going all the way back she was like looking at Talia Al-Gululik and who is she? What is she doing? I was like nope. Not even about to happen and I changed the channel. Is that Amelie? Actually, my mom is not seen Amelie guaranteed. I do remember something that happened

that's not really an explainer but when we did our show in Portland, Oregon not what was like two years ago or something? 2017 I think. Alien Covenant was out but it's been out it was out for a while at that point

and we went and saw it at the living room theater in Portland because Oh yeah those living room theaters are awesome yeah because we had a bunch of time

before our flight was and we had to check out of the hotel and do something so we went to go to the movies and then we were like well we got to get rid of all these edibles we have so we're going to take

all the edibles we have left and then go see Alien Covening oh my God maybe not the best idea not the best idea but once the Xenomorph like first like falls down onto the fucking spaceship

and then it just everything hits me I'm like on the floor and it was a great experience and then I get out and I'm still fucking like stone beyond recognition and an old lady's like

what movie did you just see I'm just like I'm like struggling to breathe and I'm like struggling to breathe Alien Covenant and she was like oh was it better than the original and I'm like

no why would it be you call her a stupid idiot no I tried to be as polite as I could but I probably looked like I was fucking out of my mind I'm gonna say in your that's you and your interior out exterior yeah you're totally right

uh all right masked singer here we'll do another one uh left over popcorn uh oh hey guys I used to work at a multiplex and much like Chris and Andrew have plenty of stories to tell

because of it. Yeah. When I first started, I was told I can help myself to leftover hot dogs and pretzels from the concession

and I can get all the fish heads I wanted. Dude, leftover hot dogs. Is that like half eaten? I don't even know. No, because a lot of places

have like those little rolly things. But by hour ten, that thing looks like crispy, dude. Crispy critters. Yeah, it's disgusting. We got to bring home the leftover

garbage bags of popcorn. Well, that too. but also buy the garbage bag literally You could do that? You could take that home and use it as a bean bag chair, yeah. Oh my God, and then just eat and your own filth?

Eat your own chair, dude. I wash myself with a rang out of sting. I work at the movies and then I go home and sit on a big pile of popcorn. It sounds like a very cool life. Mr. Movie over here, living on popcorn. That's a YouTube channel.

Sorry, Chris, were you going to say something? disgusting? Well, yeah, like we could bring back like leftover nacho cheese as well. Oh, ew. Why would you need that? Because it was just in a sack that was in a dispensal. But you get nacho cheese sacks? Was that your pillow? Would you go to fit? No, you got a little courtesy cup and you just put it under the thing and it was like

do... God. And you're a cup of cheese, dude, and you take your chips in a separate bag and you were good to go. Yeah, you were good to go somewhere. Or just shoot it. Just shoot it. Cheese shooters. Oh, wait a second. However, there was a stern rule about taking popcorn home.

Interesting. What the fuck is this shit? This puzzled me as I saw it bagged up and thrown away, just like everything else on a nightly basis. When I asked someone, they told me that it was a newly implemented rule just a few months ago before I started an employee who still worked there during my time. Oh, shit. I had taken one of the giant trash bags home and dumped the old popcorn all over the lawn

of her ex-boyfriend. What? That's pretty cool. Revenge, dude, do you know how many birds were on that lawn in the morning? Not all of us can be Angela Bassett in, uh, what's that movie? Waiting to exhale. Waiting to exhale. But some of us have the fucking gall to be this, this lady fucking popcorn in someone's driveway.

He should just be happy she didn't take the syrup bucket from the fucking soda and pour it all over the lawn and kill it for good. Those things, they call them bibs, B-I-B, bag in box. Because it's a bag of syrup in a fucking box. and you hook it up to a hose and that's how fucking so did fountains work. Yep. But how cool would it be to take a lawnmower to a lawn of popcorn?

Yes! Right? That'd be amazing. It's not a lawn of popcorn. It's a lawn with popcorn on it. Yeah, but then once you shred it and then it just looks like it's popcorn snow.

Well, then all the other popcorns become their own popcorns and start marching to the music and they go off the lawn. Do you think that'll have? That little bit I definitely think that'll happen Continue

While cruel and unusual This wasn't the brightest idea As her ex-boyfriend Was also a former employee Of the same theater Dude fucking shit where you're eating Man that's a problem One of the managers the next day

What a fucking weiner Netflix and Arcos over here He informed them of what happened From then on No one was allowed to take Popple Ruined it for everybody That's so fucked up Do you have any crazy X stories or tales of abusing concession privileges?

I'll hang up and listen, Matt and D.C. Matt, thank you for the letter. Yeah, I abused the bulk candy counter like nobody's fucking business, which eventually they got rid of at the multiplex we worked at. But, you know, the bulk candy, it's like there's the big fucking tubs of each individual candy and you take the bag, people will inevitably spill it on the floor constantly. I always tried to position myself, so I got the concession stand register where you could reach your hand into whatever the closest candy thing was right there. Nice.

So, dude, the fucking chocolate-covered peanuts, I think was close. I was just chowing down, dude, totally took it. I stole so much fucking bulk candy from that theater. The height of decadence is me and Andrew, a very close friend of me and Andrews who also worked at the theater. he came up on your lunch break you would just get like a slice of pizza

from downstairs we had a nice deal with the Iranian pizza place dude who went by Tony but the deal was he came up with free pizzas constantly and then we let him and the tons of like club rats

that he was friends with go see movies for free amazing relationship did you ever put popcorn on the pizza no no but this is gonna get our friend like he's about to eat the slice of pizza

like a normal human being would and he's like he looks around and he's like I remember this oh this is bone jelly and I'm like what are you doing and he's like

and he puts it into the nacho cheese thing presses the button and drowns the thing and then shoves it in his mouth yep oh dude nacho cheese on your pizza that's disgusting

douche chill I mean if you know what if Taco Bell came out on the nacho pizza everyone like oh man you have the nacho pizza that's great

I worked at a country club for two summers And these are like movies that I want Like what is that Matt Dillon movie The Flamingo Kid? I want the SADC kid Oh dude, you don't even want to know What happened? I definitely do my best friend was my boss And my ride And sometimes we would not come to work sober

Leaving that alone And do you like piss and shit into the food? No, but come on We would work in the cabanas which was like, you know, that's where you give you towels and shit. And then up a... Dude, God, the fucking rich must be eaten. Up a hill was where the snack bar was.

Right. And it was a thing where we would... Pissing shit, dude? But we would go there, like, completely messed up at like 8 o'clock in the morning. Sure. And get chicken fingers. And I am still digesting chicken fingers to this day. Like chicken fingers, French fries, grilled cheese, hot dogs.

Everything. It was a fat kid in the candy store, man. And then you chowdered up the chowder? Yes, and then I chowdered up the chowder. Interesting. I also constantly made all of like the mixed drinks for myself, like the smoothies and shit. Sure. And we had one friend who he'd always come to the movies and he'd get on my line and I knew he wanted like an Oreo thing. And I hated making them for customers.

I'd make them for myself all the time. I hated making them for customers. And I'd see this dude on the line and I'd be like, nope, just go to another one. I'm not fucking making it for you. Yeah, but yeah, oh, just the fucking total abuse of that concession stand at all times. I also never got revenge on an ex-girlfriend with concession stand. No, that sounds good. Yeah.

You're not waiting the X-L popcorn. I don't have-waiting the pop. I don't have stories for either of these. That's totally fine, dude. That's totally-you're better for it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't abuse anyone with popcorn. You're busy my eyesight with the mask, so you're doing your pop.

I don't even have it down right now. You know what? That's almost worse. Wow. There. Oh, beautiful. Look at that visage. It's better, right?

I would love to go through life like this. I've always thought since I was a child. You should see the George Romero movie Bruiser. I got to watch that. I haven't seen that one. But, like, I was always attracted to masked individuals, and I just never wanted a face of any kind. I'm so disturbed.

Like, if I could just have, like, a helmet? Maybe a daftunk helmet. Would that be better? That's better. Yes. It's featureless. A total helmet, that's totally fine. It's going to cost you, though.

All right, I'll bring a helmet next time. Okay. All right, let's get on to the next letter. It's you. Okay. Hold on, I'm going to stop you because we just talked about Matt in D.C. Okay. Actually, if Matt doesn't have a ticket yet, we are actually doing an East Coast tour at the end of April.

But, Steve, it's not just an East Coast tour, is it? I apologize. It's an East Cage tour. Get it right or pay the price, dude. Ud himself. We're doing all Nicholas Cage movies. Yeah, we're going to Boston, we go to Boston, D.C., Philadelphia, New York on April 22nd, 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Four days, four shows.

All that stuff is on the WHM podcast tour tab. WHMpodcast.com tour tab. We're doing Knowing in D.C., we're doing... No, we're doing knowing in Boston. We're doing knowing in Boston. We're doing... Gone in 60 seconds in D.C. Helping helps.

National treasure in Philly. And the wicker man in New York City. That's going to be a big one, man. April 22nd to the 25th, you do want to go to those shows. Those tickets are going, please, please help the show out. Oh, my God, don't sound like fucking Jeb Bush. Please help the show out. I mean, not everybody in the room is $60.

Oh, that's true. That is true. Some of us have more. Some of us have been to the track today. Oh, fuck me. All right. So let's read this letter here. Prince of Persia in theaters.

Hey guys, love the show. Thank you. The Prince of Persia episode totally gave me flashbacks to my high school life when I'd see every genre movie that came out with my dumb-ass friends. Fuck, I hope they don't hear you saying that. After all, this was pre-MCU. Well, not technically. Prince of Persia was 2010.

That first Ironman was 2008. Wow, this guy's a liar. You should ride him back. It's a lady, by the way. It's all right. I'm just poking fun. It's all right. Actually, you know what?

It's before we were calling at the M.C. Yes, it was just technically correct. Superhero movies. And we figured we needed to see Daybreakers, Book of Eli, and of course the classic Scream 4 to keep sci-fi and horror alive. I think Scream 4 is a good movie. I haven't seen the other two. All right, everybody. They're all.

All? All scream movies? No, no, he's talking about Daybreakers. Daybreakers Book of Eli and Screen 4 are all-end. Surely not the Prince of Persia. Anyways, my buddy and I went to see Prince of Persia opening weekend

at a massive mall multiplex and we were shocked to find the theater almost totally empty. Were you shocked? We sat down and watched but through the entire crap fest someone behind us kept scoffing and talking about the movie and how dumb the stunts looked. Cut to the

end of the show and Jackie fucking Chan walks out of the theater with this. Visibly annoyed at how bad the film was. Allegedly, let's not get Mr. Chan in trouble. We want him to be in more movies. I love Jackie Chan

and I think it's incredible. Have you seen the foreigner yet? What? Have you seen the foreigner yet? Oh, I couldn't hear you do that so stupid mask. Him doing taken? Yeah, it's been taken. Oh, no, I didn't see it.

It's not good. That's a bummer. It like ropes in the troubles. Yeah. Oh, really? For some reason. The Irish troubles? Pierce Brosnan is like trying

Pierce Brosnan's in that movie. He's the bad guy. Oh, I gotta see this movie, man. No, you don't. Was wondering if something similar had ever happened to you on your many movie-going adventures. Thanks for all the laughs, Jess, in L.A. Oh.

So, yeah, I guess seeing celebs. I mean, celebs in movies. I've never been to the movies with a celebrity before. You said before. You said Joel Schumacher was hanging out with you

I've told that story before but yes Joel Schumacher and I saw the last Bond movie together which was a lot of fun I was unemployed at the time Specter? Yes, Joel was there

Joel oh your buddy Joel my buddy Joel which we were just pals I recall I went to the New York premiere of fuck

gravity me and a buddy of ours sitting there watching the movie the whole time someone behind us ha wow whoa wow wow wow

and you're like who the fuck is this asshole lights come up stands up I'm doing the like I'm putting my jacket on but I'm also turning around to see what the fuck

this was all about broadcasting legend Regis Philbin it makes sense it was so fucking funny how did they get the cameras all the way in space why is he sitting

inside a Chinese spaceship so George Clooney's not coming back okay this is ridiculous oh look at it crawling around in the mud gross why can't I hear anything but what

fucking bothered me though was for this premiere you had to watch the 3D which honestly on a big screen in 3D is the only way to watch gravity I cannot imagine watching it in 2D on a television or whatever

I told my brother-in-law as such one time it was awkward but I I regretted the fact that I never actually got to see Regisville been wearing 3D glasses, which I imagine is pretty hilarious. Have I ever told my Dennis Franz story? No. You are now, Big Daddy. You're in one. I went to a press screening of inherent vice.

Oh, what a shock. Let me guess he didn't get it. Well, it's better than that, but it's plus. I like how he's just, he doesn't have to go to a press screen. He just doesn't want to pay for it. I was Sipowitz, God damn it. So him and his wife come in, and they're behind me and my wife. And so going on, I'm not hearing anything. And I start hearing, like, where I'm like, meh, eh, eh. And then, like, I'm not kidding.

Like, at the 30-minute mark when nothing is happening. Joaquin Phoenix is just, like, smoking a J. I think it's like him walking out of a car or something. And then happens a lot in that movie. Dennis Franz just up and says, What a crock! And gets up and leaves. We stand a legend.

Good for you. What a crock. That's not how you get out of a car. What an idiot. I mean, that movie's good. But, man, I just have so much respect for Dennis Franz. All this is allegedly. But one, I can confirm for sure.

Okay, yeah, you can confirm the one that you're telling. Sure, go ahead. Fucking idiot. We went to the Ant-Man premiere. Oh, actually three of all right, a lot of eyes were on this one. It was actually mentioned on this stage and whatever. Anyway, Michael Douglas gave me a high five. It was a down low while he was running up the aisle.

Right. And it was one of the best moments. It might have been one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I earlier that day, because I was working at Marvel at the time, rode the elevator with both him. I think it was just, no, I think it was just Michael Douglas. And I was just like, oh, but John, oh, but Jeff. Like other people were talking

I really love disclosure It was very clear Like nobody's talking to Michael today Like and I get that That's fine The Michael Douglas I'm not gonna I'm not gonna

I'm he doesn't want to hear from you I'm shit on Michael Douglas' What am I going to No he doesn't want to hear from you all He wants to slap these hands on But I just had this face like Oh boy that's Michael Douglas

Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael from there. I do have a good elevator

story real quick. I was going to another press screening and me and a friend were riding up and Paul Simon got at the last minute and I was just like

oh, the littlest elevator rider. It's me and my friend are just and we get up at the thing and he gets off the floor before us and I'm not kidding

he made like three steps he wasn't even out of the elevator did he fucking fart in that elevator and my friend says is that fucking Paul Simon oh No, no way. Oh, douche chill.

You got to let those doors close. I also rid in an elevator with Paul Simon, and he's like this big. He's shorter than you? Yeah, he's significantly shorter than I am. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's fucking breaking news.

All right. Puppet porn, everybody. Puppet porn. Hey now. All right. I want this guy. I'll get into position. Now you have that mask on.

You look like someone that watches fucking puppet porn. Join me in the revelry And turn your pages To 549 Puppet Porn Yay And yay Hey guys

Been listening since the BVS episode back in 2016 And I've been a loyal Patreon member Ever since it's started by the way Patreon We do a bunch of cool stuff On patreon.com

slash we hate movies Sure You should watch the rest of the sentence Updated to the $8 level As soon as I heard about the gleepe Glacery That is where I read tales of

sci-fi from Star Wars to the guys and we make fun of you kind of like now and the audio is much better than it is coming out of that dumb mask mouth

well you sound like Snoke Kylo Red um blam numblam um um after the release of the

happy time murder it brought back it brought back memories of something that happened during my years in Brooklyn College back in 2006. Brooklyn College, man, okay.

The film department tends to show weird and provocative movies during class, but this one took the cake. Uh-oh. I don't remember the exact class where this happened, but I believe it was about storytelling and films. Aren't they all about storytelling and films,

really, when you think about it? Well, some of those classes are about lighting. Yeah. But also, there's a form of storytelling. Stan Brackage, find a story there, pal. Dennis Miller over there. That's what the mask singer is. Oh, man.

Babe. Sort of like Maya Darren crossing the Rubicon. Oh, my God. If Dennis Miller ever made a Maya Darren joke, I'd fucking... I'd eat my own ass on the air. I read the syllabus about the movie we would be viewing. It was called Let My Puppets Come. Nice.

Come, C-O-M-E, just FYI, guys. I had never... Well, it's an official title. Yeah, I had never heard it before. and just expected a wacky puppet puppet Rippoff. Well, that's not exactly what I got. The professor started the film. I remember seeing three puppet executives

talking about needing to make more money. Puppet executives. What? Were the executives of puppets or puppet executives? I just put that out there. That's confusing. It's just Rupert Murdoch. I'm a puppet executive.

I make all my puppets dance. Dance, Tucker. Hey, Tucker, dance. It's him and two of them. Jeff Dunham's puppets. Hey, Ockmed, make Tucker dance.

One of them made a joke to another while the other cursed that puppet out. It continues from there and then we get an assistant puppet that suggests they make

a dirty movie. He continues to describe a scene involving female nurse puppet giving him a male patient puppet a blowjob. That's a patient puppet. That ends with a shot

that a shot that we actually see. My jaw dropped what I was watching, only to realize things would get much worse. Somehow, they transitioned to another scene involving a busty female puppet, having sex with a male puppet dog, with

full-on penetration. Well, you know what? Here's the thing. There you want to add puppet. You know, you're adding puppet executive, you're adding puppet to assistant to da-da. Puppet penetration sounds a lot better than penetration. That was actually the name of my band in high school was puppet penetration.

I thought your issue was not penetration, but the fact it was a dog. That's where I thought I was going to actually Because that's honestly where you want a puppet Fucking dogs is fine by you then No it's not I'm saying that's why you want to modify With the puppet so you know that nobody's actually

Fucking a real dog fucking dog puppet Who knows? Sounds like this is directed by Bobcat Goldthwaith babe I remember someone in class Laughing uncomfortably at that scene Another female student loudly shouted What are we watching?

This is the thing I have to stop you right here Please you're in film school You shut the fuck up and you watch You watch that movie. You watch that movie, because you don't know what the deal is. You watch that fucking movie, man. You're there to learn.

What's going to happen at the end of it? Alfred Hitchcock's going to come out and tell you what was what? Good evening. Why you just watched what is puppets fucking. Aren't we all puppets at the end of the day? Aren't we all puppets looking for holes? I just mean you're matriculated in the program in where you are to learn about films that you're unfamiliar with to push your boundaries and whatnot.

shut the fuck up, and say it's terrible when it's over with. And you're all going to be making puppet movies anyway. We know it's a trend now. The professor, who was not a puppet. Puppet professor, that's a movie. Eventually stopped the film. Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about. The lights went up and the class was in shock.

Many of the, many were upset while others just laughed about how uncomfortable the whole situation was, myself included. I was never able to figure out the importance of showing that film. class. Maybe the professor really liked it or liked puppet porn in general. I never saw Meet the Feebles and I probably won't. It seems to be like, let my puppets come is way worse content than content-wise than that film. It would seem so from the scenes he described. I actually went to go watch the Happy Time murders at the Alamo Draft House, only to see Let My Puppets Come There in the Beginning showcase showing brief clips of that movie. Its influence clearly lives on. Well, absolutely.

It's a timeless classic. Has there ever been a film you watched in a film class that left you in shock? Keep up the great work. And I'm working on getting those tickets to your live show in NYC, Francesco and Brooklyn. Well, Francisco. Rock and roll, dude. I hope you get him.

Shit's going fast. Yeah, totally. I see this question. No, because I'm a cool guy. Hell yeah. I remember a professor of ours made us watch Excuse me, Ed Murrhaj's, like, thesis film. Oh, Beseech, not Bessi, is it besieged?

I don't remember what it's called. The guy, the Siege with Bruce Willis? The guy who wound up going on to direct Shadow of the Vampire. Gotcha. The, uh, Max Trek. Yeah, yeah. His, like, thesis film is this crazy, uh, avant-garde thing where it's supposed to be like the god of something, I think, is, like, cutting out their own indebt.

intestines. It's all like very, very crazy. And it was like shocking, you know, but it was in a class where I was there studying the American avant garde. So like you were sort of primed for it. Yeah. And honestly, and that class studying the American avant garde cinema really fucking blew my melon off, man. Like just that class, Professor Greg Taylor, I have to say, one of the most influential teachers I ever had, he's an amazing person. But that, it was like, that was a whole semester of like yeah you know what I mean it was it was fucking great I wasn't shouting

at the screen what are we watching you're in a fucking film class shut the fuck up I cannot believe that I cannot believe it it's called begotten by the way begotten yes thank you Kevin I remember I mean it was shocked in a good way because I love the movie

but the first time I saw Toussaint Machiev's sweet movie where they're eating the shit and all that I was like yeah okay this is a new thing for me, I guess. Well, yeah, Dusan Machiaveev, man. Like, he was another provocateur. Sure.

You know what I mean? I was pretty horrified at the opening moments of Antichrist, the Lars von Trier movie. You know, but, like, these are all movies that are designed to provoke you. To do that kind of thing. Yeah, sure. That's what that is.

Not in a film class. And it was one of those classes where it was the end of the year, and they showed Batman 1989. I was like seven years old or 10 years old. And I was fucking terrified because that fucking clown man freaked me. right out. That clown fucked me up, dude. Did you refer to him as the clown man?

The clown man's being scary. He's kind of like the Joker of that movie. He is exactly like the Joker of that film. Chris Cabone. Final one here. My grandmother is a sociopath. Hey game. Great title for a movie, by the way. Are we related?

Miles from North Carolina here. Longtime listener. a proud Patreon member. Thank you, sir. I had a terrifying story to share about watching a movie with my grandparents and finding out my grandmother has no sympathy for other human beings.

By the way, you know, everybody reaches an age. Would she watch Fox News? Might, though. By the way, I've read this before. A spoiler for anybody who is really waiting to see Don't Breathe

the crappy Fidi Elveraz movie. Oh, dude, one of the fucking most overhyped horror movies of the last five years. Where he's blind or something? What a fucking disappointment. I'm probably saying the director's name completely wrong. Fetti Alvarez?

No, it's the dude who did the Evil Dead movie make? Yeah, that movie fucking stunk. I recently moved away from my hometown to a city about two hours away. Having been raised by my grandparents, I've always been close to them and try to make a trip down to visit them a few times a month. During one of those visits, I noticed they were watching the 2016 horror thriller Don't Breathe. The idea of my grandparents watching a horror movie Even at all is mind-boggling No, to borrow a line from you, Steve Sadek

That you said at a great live show We had many years ago at this point I literally now have no grandparents left But I cannot imagine at a time in any of their lives The ones that I knew in my lifetime To ever watch a horror movie The idea of a grandparent My grandparents

I'm sure like they're a grandparent on horror hounds out there, that's great. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Not my grandparents. No way. I, uh, I accidentally watched like 25 minutes of dead alive with my grandmother. Oh, man. A little on the nose. She liked it better than you? I think so. Do you get to that fucking face in the soup scene? That's when I turned it off. That's a good time to turn it off. I think it reminded her of the old country. Uh, for those I'm familiar with the movie, it's a, it's a, it's a bit of, it's a about three friends who break into a house to rob a blind army vet.

As the movie goes on, we find out that the blind man isn't as innocent as he seems and is involved in kidnapping and sexual assault. This movie fucking stinks. Like Eric right now. Look a creeper over here. Bruiser. Look out for bruiser. Oh, that's beautiful.

I'm discomfortable. I arrived to my grandparents' house near the last third of the movie where we discover the blind man's true nature. my grandma is very vocal about her support of the vet oh that's awesome and her hopes that the three would be the three would be burglars get what's coming to them oh yeah once the twist is revealed i expected her to change her tune and cheer for the kids nope even after the reveal when dylan minette's get when dylan minette gets shot dead i hear ha ha from my grandma horrified i turned to her and and ask her if she understood what's going on to, which she replied, well, they shouldn't be in his house.

To be fair. Yeah, to be fair, grandma. Stand your ground, my friend. During the climax of the movie, when Jane Levy finally makes it out of the house where the blind man can't navigate, he releases his gigantic Rotweller dog after her and a chase ensues.

During all this, my grandmother is saying, get her! Get her! Get her! Good God! Get her! To which I remember To which I remember her again This man is not a good guy I remind her again This man is not a good guy

As we saw earlier Her response once again They shouldn't be in the half Oh man Have you guys ever experienced watching movie With someone that was a little too sympathetic to the villain And their cause

Thanks guys keep up the good work Miles That's so fucking funny That's a really cool story Man so yeah I guess So like a relative misunderstanding a movie kind of I think she understood that movie quite well I think she knew what was going on

She had her own reading of it though You're saying exactly I don't know I mean I feel like my dad Sometimes is rooting for John Wayne For all the wrong reasons You know just every now and again You're like okay He liked them at the beginning of the searchers

But not at the end of the searchers Yeah totally He called him a pussy Man up Come on Duke man up No I don't know I've never watched the searches with my father Yeah, I, again, it's a weird thing.

I don't really watch movies with my family. Yeah. Yeah, not that way either, man. I'm a solo dude. So, well, you at least, you'd watch movies with your siblings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, they were all at the same age kind of a thing. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't have one for this one. Well, I do find it weird. My sisters will not watch what they call movies wearing people are dirty, which is like, like, sort and sandals movies, like movies are the old. Oh, like they physically have dirt. physically movies where people are caked in dirt I'm not gonna watch that really that's quite bizarre

everyone's dirty everyone's dirty which I do understand to a certain extent but it is a hilarious distinction because you're like now you're not watching their now you're not watching do they know they're from the Bronx excuse me wow dude of fucking sick slam Steve if I may do they know that they're not going to be dirty the whole

movie that they're likely going to shower at some point it depends some of those movies get pretty dirty nobody's taking a bath in prince of persia dude i guess that's fair but did they not they've never watched shawshank redemption i don't i mean i sneaking out of the house to watch dirty movies it takes on an entire different context exactly i can't watch that movie it's too dirty what movie is that oh no it's been her yeah they shouldn't they shouldn't it trough dude that's disgusting oh lorence of arabia that's a dirty movie i wonder how far that extends though like do they get disgusting

when, like, Ace Ventura comes out of that fake rhinoceros's asshole. I mean, I think at that point you're invested in the film, but if you're like, if you're... Yeah, the film. Yeah, when nature calls, the film. But, like, I remember very specifically, like, oh, we want to watch Deadwood. They're like, oh, everyone's really dirty in that. And I get it. It's, that's fun.

Because, like, yeah, I actually do kind of get it. It won't prevent me from watching something, but it is just kind of like, oh, I got to watch these people. Well, that was kind of caked dust. That's why it's great to watch something like... Rape's a Wrath, right? That's another one you can't watch. Oh, like, phantom thread. Everybody's clean as far as.

Oh, yeah. You can watch that. Yeah. A bunch of brushes. I don't know. That lady who passes out in that dress. She was partying a little hard. I think she got some crumbs.

Probably some crumbs, dude. You're absolutely right. That is W.H.M. For the month of... What are we now? March. Good Lord. End of March.

I accidentally hit the... the title card before we were signing off just so eager to get to the next mailbag which by the way if you want to be featured you fucking creep if you want to be featured on that next mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com you are freaking me the fuck out and you have to watch

Romero's bruiser dude I can't believe you kept on the whole time yep that's yep there it is so Eric's wearing a creepy mask Steve has $60 Chris Cabin and I came away with nothing that's totally fine well a new fear of Eric

there's uh there's that that's actually true uh see you guys at the dollar menu bitches so until next month i'm andrew jupin stephen sadak chris cabin take it easy take it easy That was a hit gum podcast.