We Hate Movies - S9 Ep378: Episode 378 - Masterminds

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang chats about the complete and total misfire that is Masterminds! How much of the film features Patrick Stewart wearing a fake mustache? What's with this vague television business deal side plot? And how nuts is it that this best friend's serious nickname is K-Dawg? PLUS: Brad Whitford? Masterminds stars Patrick Stewart, Vincent Kartheiser, Brenda Fricker, Bradley "Brad" Whitford, and Callum Keith Rennie; directed by Roger Christian. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey gang, if you are not subscribed to our Patreon yet, you may not know that this month's episode is indeed about Steven Spielberg's Ready Player 1. Now, that's right. We couldn't even wait until the worst of 2018. We just said fuck it and put it out on the Patreon. That's the way we do it on the Patreon, man. No 10-year rule applies at all. You can catch. If you join it now, you can get Jason Takes Manhattan. You get Man of Steel, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance. You get Bright. You get Jumble. a 10-year rule again with Bright right there. America, sweethearts. All of them are there. And, you know, at the $8 level, you get the Nexus, which will get you more Patrick's student impressions, which you might want after this episode, or you might not. Who knows? And the animation, damnation. A ton of great stuff there. There you go.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now on today's episode, a movie so fucking stupid, it wasn't even qualifying for standard deaf DVD. It's Masterminds. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. So, you know, I'm going to be.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in to We Hate Movies, as always, this week. It's Masterminds from 1997, directed by Battlefield Earth's Roger Christian. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I did not know that. Oh, yeah, woof in a half. This is a better movie. It is. It would almost have to be, but yeah, it is. Can I admit to something? I've not seen Battlefield Earth. Really? I've never seen it in its entirety either, actually. I've still averted it. you guys should uh cow gets its leg shot off another movie by this guy uh called the sender the sender what is that about an email guy now someone putting a fucking envelopes in a mailbox in a mailbox yeah it's like telepathy or something zyko evanichick what's that guy's name psycho evanichick no it's theodore kaczynski jelko ivanov or whatever yeah that's that we all know who we're talking

it's that he's sending anthrax in the mail no he's at an insane asylum it's like the so you can still call it an insaneus island. What do you got to call it now, Steve, the booby hatch? Yes, he's called the booby hedge. And he's got psychic powers. It's like a pseudo-scanters, Kronenberg, less than. But there is some explosions. It's a lot of fun.

Head explosions or like butt explosions? Just some explosion. She's lighting his farts on fire. It wasn't filmed in my bathroom this morning. Oh my God, what happened in there this morning? Scanners. Let's go. Reverse scanners, I guess.

We should do a remote episode from your bathroom. to figure out what's going on down there. You'd really prefer if you didn't. So do I. Imagine took a dump and it looked exactly like, oh God. Okay. Yeah. Michael Ironside.

Michael Ironside is who I was looking for. Was that a classic, I started a sentence but had no ending? Yeah. No, I knew I wanted Ironside, but just totally drew a blank. I got you. By the way, fucking four by three on an Amazon rental, thanks for nothing. With the thing that comes up on my 16. by 9 television that said it was formatted

to fit this TV. I love that old goddamn descriptor that's so obsolete now. I love that Amazon, which controls the world, couldn't get a fucking better rip of this, man. Come on. It's not on DVD. What do you want? I want Bezos

to, A, pay his employees a livable wage, and B, find a way to get me masterminds. More like Bozos. First things, first, living wages. Second thing. Did you say sex thing? Second thing? Mastermind's 16 by 9.

Which would be a sex thing. Yeah, sexed me that mastermind's rip, bro. This stupid movie starts with a stupid killer hack. A lot of hacking in this. This is amazing. This is so beautiful. This is the lost art of 90s cyber thrillers. Dude, this is like we're hacking something,

and the way you hack it is by kind of playing Wolfenstein. And by fucking, oh, stabbing Westward. The whole song, my heart, Almost came out my chest. Amazing, right? Amazing. You know, unrelated to this a few weeks ago,

I was like, hey, I remember stabbing Westwood. They had some good tunes. Let me go on Spotify and download their best stuff to my phone. I'm like,

this is terrible. I've done that a few times. Really quickly, because you haven't seen this movie. This movie is, it's Patrick Stewart, takes over a prep school, who just,

and Vincent Carthizer is a fun. punk kid who just so happens to be there and he gets himself as he says in a diehard situation so that's the movie. Home Alone meets diehard and you guys Andrew and Steve have never seen this before

I have never seen it I've seen this multiple times in the 90s I was so much better off before last night I saw it before I remembered nothing of it oh man yeah and I was pushing hard for this one this is our back to school episode we're doing it we're doing it

Did you remember Patrick Stewart's fucking fake his ball's mustache in this movie, Kevin? I did remember that. It was really stupid. And he was named after a car. I remember that. It's real at some points, I feel, and then like... He looks like he's in a bad school play. I am playing an adult with an adult mustache.

You know, playing Iago, it's really in the... You don't have to do the villainous mustache. I can do it. But I will anyway. My name is Rief Bentley. Yes, Rave. Love it. Reif, Bentley, too.

Rafe Bentley. Which could be a fake name because he's a terrorist. Yeah, but people who know him from his other job, his old job are like, oh, hey, Bentley, how's it going, man? Because this is also somehow like a world, a scorned worker drama as well. Yes, it's a fired employee revenge thriller. Resolates today. It does.

Yeah, so Vinnie Carthizer is a sick hacker. Fear is our business. What is he hacking? He's hacked. Nobody knows. What is it? Please. He's downloading a game before it's even released.

Oh. And the game is called. I've got it, by the way. Scream 2. Dude, I had so much trouble trying to fucking figure this out. So his dad basically yells at him at the beginning of this movie because he downloaded like a leaked copy of the game. Well, he made it leak. Like he hacked it and stole it.

Really? All of that. All of that. All of that. for a video game. It looked like he was taken down the Pentagon. Like the relays to Hong Kong and fucking Lithuania. Yeah.

That's amazing. Plus, like, and yes, like to do the hacking, it's not like, oh, I have to break this code. It is, but I also have to, like, play this really bad Doom game. Yeah. Where all these skilling in this, babe. It's like Ultima 1. You're all jumping out. But the weird thing is, I don't know, did any, we were all of this age.

Did anyone do any game pirating or new of game pirating back in the day? I knew of it. I had a couple, like, the buddies would give him, but they didn't always work. That was the thing. It was always like, here's a PlayStation game. Here's siphon filter one or two. Oh, nice. Yeah, sick, dude.

Wait, was it like put it in the PlayStation and it will work, or is it an emulator? No, no, it was it was, you'd get a readable CD that somebody burned the game onto and it might may or may not work. I remember people putting games on. floppy disks and I install that to five, seven discs in a row. And then like sort of later but on the same kind of path was like I downloaded, I was able to

buy, uh, I had an like one of the first ever Nintendo DSs. Gotcha. And you could buy a cartridge for it that had like a, uh, some sort of like SD card reader. It was like a like a DS cartridge

that had an SD card reader in it. And you could upload a bunch of pirated DS games to this little card. Oh, weird. Put the card in the cartridge, put the cartridge in the DS, and you could just play. You had a whole library of games on this fucking thing. Wow.

Yeah. But what happened wasn't like some, like, corporations don't put an Easter egg in their back end. Yeah. Like, that doesn't exist. Well, somebody did it to animate this thing for someone to hack. Well, this is all derivative of hackers 94. Yeah, sure.

But I mean, there's others too. Probably lawnmow man does this crap too. I feel like this kid's got an air of Eddie Furlong John Connor. Yeah, I think that's exactly why he was cast. Easy money. Yeah, he's got a fucking line for everything. I hate this kid. I hate this rotten-ass little shit.

I hated Pete Campbell, too. Well, that's the thing. I'd rather hang out with Pete Campbell than this little turn. Oh, of course. This kid can shred the fucking skateboard. That's what that is, right? Get out of here, old man. Oh, he's not playing a guitar.

skateboard, yes, skateboard. No, I do think that Mad Men was smart because they realized they hired, I never watched Angel which is the bridging between this and Mad Men. Yes. Where he plays whatever like his, he plays Angel's son. This is Pete Campbell Young and then

Angel is also, and then he goes to the back in time? Yes. It's all the same continuity. No, I'm just saying his career as an actor. They realized like, I think here they were like, oh, he's a cool, good looking young kid. He's going to be the cool good looking on kid and it never really fit

because he was so weasily and then Madman was like no this dude's a weasel because he's weasily on Angel too Connor he plays Angel's son Connor and he's like a little dickhead he's supposed to be really cool and badass but he just comes off his weasily here in this he just looks like an anime character yeah yeah

I mean look at this wardrobe ladies and gentlemen holy fucking shit I don't even know the angles this shirt he's wearing at the look for the it's like octagonal collar I've never seen it find me the planet deep in outer space where he found these sunglasses. Oh my god. Those those are egregious. You're right. I do have to say when he is hacking the net and it's like there's a bunch of,

he fights a skeleton. There's a skeleton that shows that there's a bunch of warnings like what you're doing is illegal. The federal prosecution. One of them says federal offense and offense is misspelled. That's wonderful. Yes, I did catch that. Wasn't half bad. Oh, video game developers. Kind of like an animated DeSharezone meme. It is. He's like hacking DeShireZone in the beginning. It's a Twitter account that's really funny that uses a lot of Skellington imagery. He probably got part of the idea from this or something.

It's pretty dead on. Once Trump arrests DeShare Zone, then we'll know. Oh, my God. I'm putting DeShare Zone on trial. Oh, my God. I would have helped the crowdsourcing of de-admin's legal fees. Imagine it's probably Vincent Carthyser. Oh, my God. Wow.

Because he's not getting all those roles. I would have so much more respect for him if it was. Here's a question I had. And I don't know what this family dynamic is like, but I'm pretty sure Carthizer's character in this movie. Ozzy, man. Ozman, also known as Action Man by Action Man. I think we're talking online handle here.

Is that only his best friend, Kay Dog? K dog. We'll get to K dog. But action man, I don't know what this deal is he has with his parents. I'm pretty sure he has the master bedroom in this house. He has the masturbator's bedroom. There's like a little kid, like the little sister comes in. And this is a huge

fucking bedroom. This is a hacker thing throughout all the cinema, right? Because brain scan, he also had a similar situation. Oh, he did have a big room in that house. It's also like, do not enter, do not disturb by penalty of yet. personnel only fuck you billy clean up your room shit it's all this west coast shit where everyone's houses is a

McMansion you know like we don't have space here in New York we still live in tenements but he's got like a bank security system in there like he's got the red line like oh yeah that would cost money that's not just something hey mom and dad I need an extra lot he's hacking and selling shit on the internet I built it I built it is he selling stuff too yes he's he's trying to make money off this game man oh he's stealing the game and then he's going to sell it to his buddies like K-Dog and the like. Yes. That's insane.

This kid's a scumbag. K-Dog's his manager. Yeah, he's doing the... K-Dog does the legwork, I think, is the idea. He gets the buyer's. He lines up the buyers. Because K-Dog is vaguely likable. Yeah, that's also true. He's the face man. So yes,

the little sister comes and we find out it's like kind of a Brady Bunch situation where it's one family merged with another. The mother merged with another. I guess that is one way to put that. Yeah, well, no, it's an adult with children married another adult that has their own children.

Right. And then they merged into some sort of amorphous blob figure. We're going to have to downsize this family now that we've merged. The dog, I'm sorry, you're getting a severance package of a bone. You're redundant now, dogs. Don't need two dogs. But, yes, the little girl is the mother's daughter, who's Annabelle Gerwich, who's been in some stuff.

She pops up a lot. Bob Odenkirk's directorial movie. Melbourne goes to dinner. Yeah, that's whatever. She's like a Ben Stiller person, I feel. Like, she's in the cable guy. Anyway, she's the mom.

And Matt Craven is the dad. Matt Craven's in everything. You know what? It was only today that I found out he's not West Craven's son. I was certain because he looks like him. You know, he looks like Robert England and you think West Craven looks like Robert

England and it all kind of goes in. replaying what I went through at 3 p.m. today. I know exactly how your brain works. But no, so the little girl comes in. She starts yelling at Ozzy for some reason. He starts telling her get out. The mother comes in, then the father comes in. We find out that he is pirating this game,

and Ozzy is in real fucking trouble. Hot soup, as they say. Military schools on the table. Oh, man, that's a real Bill and Ted move right there. You're going to military school. You idiot. he would fucking have that thing running as a gambling center like that. I don't know, man.

Not a casino, a gambling center. I feel like you'd have a knee in his neck by like fucking two feet of him. They would be beating the shit out of that kid. He'd get the fucking private pile sock full of soap. Have you seen this guy? He's clearly been beaten up constantly throughout his life. Who action? Man.

Yeah, action man. Look how he acts. Military school, by the way, something you always hear about. Never seen one though. No. Never like, I feel like they. don't, it's like a, it's like a parental threat that they can never follow through on. Except the child's play three.

Yeah, but they're not going to, like, your average parents, not going to spend the money and whatever the tuition would be on that fucking private school crap. Taps or toys and soldiers. Yeah, Taps is good. Right, you see it in popular film. Like, do you know anyone who went to a military school? Do you know anyone that got sent away to military school? Not sent away.

He started there. What? What? Like, as a kindergartner? No. No, for high school. Eric. And then he went into the reserve.

that's a great idea of military kindergarten get them early one weekend a month five naps a week this is great like we could just like reboot kindergarten cop is like kindergarten sergeant wasn't that what sasha baron was pitching with those kindergarten kindergarten fucking thing oh yeah the guns the guns in the kid in the classroom uh so matt craven is like listen motherfucker you better shape up you better stop stealing games and by the way you have to Take your sister to school today. And it's, it just should be fine, but also it happens to be the school he was expelled from. Banned for life, so that he can't do it.

Like, that's the rule. Like, you know what I mean? Like, Dad, I'd love to help you out here. But I was banned for life. I didn't make that rule. I don't want to break any more rules and get into more trouble. How did he get banned for life? Does it mention?

Did I miss it? No, I think it's just unexplained. Yeah, pornography trade. Yeah, pornography trade. It can't be exact. You know what he did? He started a pornography. Center at that school.

It can't be, you can't do everything hackers did. So you can't explain how he got into this situation like they did. Johnny Miller, Johnny Miller though, he got the righteous hack dude and then he was fucking banned from the internet. Zero cool.

I thought he did real time. No, he didn't do real time. No. He did like kid real time. Then he became Crash override. These are better hacker names than action, man. And K-Dog, yeah. Fucking K-Dog, I can't even believe it.

He does, we're going to introduce K-Dog here because he does call K-Dog while he's doing the righteous hack. K-Dok is sleeping. K-Degg is played by this kid named Jonathan Abrams. He's the dude who played Bobby the boyfriend in a scary movie. Oh, he's the brother in those Meet the Parents movie. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. He's everywhere.

I've seen him. I mean, he's everywhere. Yeah. Cabin has seen K-Dog. I have seen him. This movie is also wretchedly Canadian. Oh, big time. You know why?

Is it officially set in Canada? No, it's not. Oh, I see. I can tell you, though, because once I see Callum Keith Rennie, I know we're in Canada. Where the fuck was Callum Keith Rennie in this movie? He's the really bad British drill guy. Oh, Jesus. Are you kidding me?

That was Callum Keith? Yeah, we were looking for a slimmer cut back then, so that's what Callum Keith was doing. Yeah. That's called the Coke weight. For good old C.R. And then that accent is atrocious. So, yeah, K. Dog is his bum. So we cut to going to school.

We find out he's skateboarding with his sister and he's got her on a leash, basically. And this is when Youth of America, which is from the Scream movie, comes on. Yes, they play this tune when everybody's going to the party at Stu's house, like in the end of the second act of that movie. First of two times used in this movie

for, I don't know. In its entirety, both times. Oh, you've got it. We're eating up the clock. You can't press stop on a song like that. It's a great tune. One great moment of him going to this school is there's a security guard that he obviously has a prior relationship with. I want that short film.

Yeah, it's the security guard is how we learned that he was banned for life from this campus, fucking persona non grata, dude. But also, like, the idea is like, I have to take my sister to school. Okay. You're at school. There's the door. But it's like, actually, she said to class. Well, the sister's being a piece of shit. But also, that's annoying for you, the girl.

Like, don't you want to, like, shed it? this dead weight and get on campus but here's my older stepbrother with his disgusting haircut, his dumb fucking steampunk sunglasses. You just don't know how to watch movies. She obviously wants to be exactly like. Oh, of course. Don't you see the stupid skateboard scene where

he goes down the steps and then she go down steps? Sure, and they do have the same haircut as well. And just like oh god. So yeah she's uh, they take her there and at this point we do see Patrick Stewart it's him and Brenda Frick. Yes, pigeon lady from Home Alone too. Among

other things. And also for me, I'm sure that's the problem with like my experience with British actors. I'm like, oh man, it's Captain Picard and the Pigeon lady. And like they both have like fucking 12 Bafters apiece, have played every Shakespearean character in the world.

Oh my gosh, that's Professor X and the lady who ran the fucking the halfway house in Angels and the Outfield. Oh wow, cool. Oh, super awesome. I go straight for Axe murderer every time with her. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The mother from Max Maria. That's right. I just rewatch that, by the way. Still good. It holds up. She is an Irish actress, Brenda Fricker, aka Pigeon lady. She's won an Academy Award.

Oh, right, from my left foot. No BAFTA? Is there an IFTA? Let's see. Yeah, she won an Oscar from my left foot. She's got an Oscars. Here we are like, oh, the Pitchie lady from Home Alone too. Yeah, trying to do this BAFTA search.

Nah. Nothing on the BAFTAs, Eric. Sorry. Oh, boy. But yeah, so she's the principal and Patrick Stewart is passing himself off as the head of security. Right. And by the way, you mentioned Professor X a moment ago. And I read on the IMDB Tribune trivia that this, I guess the exteriors for this school were later used as the school for gifted youngsters and X-Men.

So there you go. His whole academy there. He's been in command of this school twice. Well, I was just watching an interview with Stuart about when Green Room, it was during Green Room, and it was like a gotcha moment where this interviewer, it's like, it's him, Anton Yelkin, RIP, and who are the director, who was the name of her, forget. Jeremy Soloner. RIP. And he's, no, he's alive. He's a movie coming out.

It's not start that shit. He's, uh, where this episode's coming out in a week or two. You do never know. So it's this guy from website And he's just like Oh, you know So this is a movie about Patrick Stewart harassing a bunch of cool young kids

Why did you go ahead and remake Mastermind? That's what he says? And like Patrick Stewart is doing a polite laugh The other two guys, Yelkin and the other guy And Solner don't get it And like they're like, what is that? He's like, masterminds And Patrick says like, hey, it is a movie

that I produced and co-created that we were trying to make money like a home alone. We thought we'd be as rich as crecius, but sadly we did not make the money. I went to see it in the valley. It came out on a Friday. I saw it in

the valley on a Sunday and no one was there. And like that's, and it's, so Green Room, you're playing a Nazi. By the way, I bet you think you really fucking smart asking me about that. Listen, you little shit.

stain. You want to see my mastermind's tattoo I have on my back? You can fucking burn in hell blogger, burn right in hand. I do love the idea of him just stalking this man for the rest of his life. And following him down the street. Ruining his life in any way he can. I could see your belly. I could see your belly blogger. Oh, going into In and Out burger, I see. Well, I guess we'll see you in your belly when you get down. Funny, the weight goes in. It doesn't come out. Yes, Mr. Richard. I know Jeremy very well. Would you fire him for me? I just, listen, entertainment people, entertainment reporters.

Because this is the same thing that motherfucker that tried to get iced tea. Yes. Right? So trying to get ice tea? Bring it up Tank Girl. Remember we talked about in the episode? Oh, okay. I think you meant like with a net or something.

No, you can't catch ice tea, man. The second you think you caught ice tea. Fast as you'll be, you'll never catch me. Bye, bye. Meet meat, motherfucker. No, it's that same, like, don't bring up a random horrible thing and think that, like, they're going to think it's so fucking great that you looked at their IMDB page and found a bad movie.

It's this weird thing where they have pride about watching a movie that everybody hated. I just, I'll never understand it. I don't have any pride. That's true. Why would you bring that movie up? And, like, the defense is like, no, no, no, I think it's great. I think it's so great.

No, you don't. You're bringing it up because you know it's fucking garbage and you think it's going to be funny and you're just an asshole. But these movies exist. I think that this is something that happens with us sometimes where people will like, C, C, C, C, C, the movie,

we hate movies, did whatever. C C C, the actor in the movie. Don't C C C C C the actor in the movie. We're having fun. First of all, he doesn't care. He doesn't care about us, but we're in a little clubhouse here, you know? And we're all having fun,

but I just feel like there's a weird thing where, like, trying to rub this in actual people who did the thing's faces as a different enterprise. Because you're right there in front of them. Exactly. It's ridiculous. I like to talk big on the internet.

Here is the thing, though. Is Patrick Stewart supposed to be the head of security, or is he passing himself off as a guy who owns a security firm and they're beefing up the security system? Oh, yes. Yeah, he's a guy who runs a security firm who's now installing everything at the school. Right.

What's the name of the... It's happy something, happy son? Happy Joe? Send $1 to Happy Dude. Happy Joe's. It's something like that, yeah. Really? Shit, I missed it.

It's like a big yellow van. It looks stupid as hell. I think that's when they start to infiltrate. That's like a balloon van or something like that. Oh, a cleaning service or something. Oh, yeah. So the infiltration happens like almost immediately. It's great.

It gets right to it. Well, Stuart and Carthizer meet right here really quickly. Oh, yeah. Because the principal starts yelling at him, and she's like, what are you doing here? He's like, I was only coming in to drop my sister off. Mrs. What, Mrs. Malloy, bye. Maloney, by the way. And then Patrick Stewart comes in and is like schmoozing the principal.

Oh, I'm ready to get down and dirty in this private school. Don't call me Mr. Bentley. You could call me Rafe. Oh, yeah, dude. Yikes. Pigeon ladies going for it too, by the way. You've got an accent as well. What part of the kingdom are you from, Malice?

You know what? If he came at me, dude, I'd go for him. Oh, absolutely. Right? I'd be like, sir, could you please remove this fake mustache before we proceed? Could you please remove your belly before we proceed? Oh, were you in mastermind? I'd tell him to keep that thing on, by that.

Oh, definitely. A mustache right. Yes, Andrew, take that all off. I'm going to fuck your skeleton, mister. Funny guy coming in a fast. That suit, yeah. Come on. Take it off.

Jokes up. It's like him going on a blind date or like a Tinder date or something. So these dudes infiltrate and the security guard that we met at the beginning gets hit with a fucking knockout dart. By the way, knockout darts, come on. What's going on with the pornography here? He hacks the system to like mess with this dude. Yeah, because like the guy made fun of him. So like, Carthizer is about to leave, but he's like, wait, I'm going to get that security.

security guard. And that's kind of like what is any like hacks his computer to put pornography on it. But it's just like run pornography protocol. Like what are you doing? It's not even run porn porn. It's run the ad for phone sex you watch during the weird science TV show. Listen man, sometimes you had to take what you could get, Kevin. He's just basically he's doing this dude of favor.

Because the guy's also by the funny thing he's not like, oh fuck, oh fuck. Oh, he's like, hey. Hey. Like he's like into it immediately. Well, it's great because right here is when Maloney's like, oh, you know, Mr. Bentley, what are you doing? Because he starts, like, hacking back, and he's, it's kind of a great Patrick's Stewart delivery right here because he's just like, I'm taking over your school. La, la, la, la. Hack, hack, hack.

When the porn first comes up, he does have, like, a guttural. And I was kind of like, oh, boy, this is going to go somewhere dark. That was the sound of him ejaculating. Eric's right, though. Instantly, right? Yeah, I'm right. He just instantly... Not about that.

He's right about ejaculation? Instant ejac. Eric is right about the fact that he's helping Patrick's dude in this instance because he's essentially shutting down all the security cameras. So all these dudes are driving in in their vans, shooting that fucking security guard's deck. Also because everyone loves pornography, so there you go. Double help.

Good luck getting control of your school back when a bunch of Randy high school kids see pornography. That's the thing is that we're not shooting and murdering people, which we should be. We're using trank darts, which is why I'm going to continuously point you to a superior film, which is called Toy Soldiers from the early 90s with Sean Aston and Lou Gossett Jr.

Yes. Kids getting killed, IRL? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. IRRL. It's a documentary. But also Star Trek Next Generation connection with Will Wheaton is in that movie.

Oh, yes. Is he one of the murdered kids? I'm not going to say. Amazon, you better have that shit on 16 by 9. but so the security it gets a dart in the neck Calam Keith's writing all these people show up there is an un-determinate amount

of dudes that take over the school it's somewhere between 10 and 50 I couldn't get a read on this team I think some disappear some respawn in different areas of the map oh man was this game was this movie Scream 2 the whole time oh shit that would have been a great twist

it all just takes place inside the computer It's like brain scan. Yes. And then he, Patrick Stewart, is actually like, I'm the guy who designed Scream to the game. He's like the trickster. Oh, fuck. All of this would be better than masterminds.

There's two teams. There's one team is Patrick Stewart and all the idiots with the computers are upstairs. Yeah. And then downstairs, CKR and his whole fucking band of idiots. What? I like it. Down on the Canadian corner. Yes, exactly.

they're like doing a the depository and diehard three kind of thing yeah that's exactly what I was feeling right here this movie came out after that as well well it's also diehard one too right the hacking and they were trying to drill through something and get there totally

and someone visiting a location they don't want to be in only to be stuck there the drilling throughout the film is like what are they doing oh my god what is it going to be you don't find it until the end I thought there's going to be like another like vault of money. Because I was thinking about Die Hard 3

and I was like, oh, well, is this private school located near a bank or do they have like your Fort Knox under there? Somebody had fun. So yeah, they wind up they're starting to take over the school. Annabel

Gerwitch is on the phone with somebody. She thinks she's talking to K-Dog right here? Not yet. She does have a phone conversation with K-Dog at some point. She doesn't have any phone conversations. And she's calling of K dog, dude. Can you imagine someone's like... Yes, you've got to respect

your dealer. My son's shitty friend Kelvin is demanding I call him K-dog. My fence K-dog. So no, but I think she's on the phone with somebody and she's like, oh, something's wrong with the school. She goes there and she's like, excuse me, I'm trying to get into the school. My daughter is in

there. I think my son is in there as well. And they're like, oh, hey lady, there's something wrong with your car. And she gets out of it and they machine gun it until it explodes. Awesome. Pretty cool. Here we go. Are we going to kill people? I've never seen this movie before. I was like I don't know what the rating is. It's a movie for children.

And these are live rounds though. They shoot the shit out of a bunch of cars in this movie. It's great. Yeah, but this is a smart move. You leave as many witnesses as you can. Just hundreds upon hundreds of them. So Patrick Stewart's motivation here is that he's going to blackmail

a bunch of the parents like these are all like rich families taking their kids in this private school. So he's got a list of like the richest kids in the school and he's like, bring me these five little piggys and we're going to call their parents. Great scheme. I really

appreciate it. Also the exact scheme from Toy Soldiers. Oh, okay. Just FYI. But that's a military school. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some may say there's a lot of money in the military. Oh, oh shit. Dude, you can fucking get that that big, that big new

budget. Lockheed Martin. Exactly. $750 million. Also eerily similar to the Morgan Freeman along came a spider plot. Oh, wow. I haven't seen that a lot of time. I don't remember that. I remember

like a car falls off a bridge or something in that movie. That's one of Monica Potter is evil at the end. And Michael Wincott abducts some governor's daughter or something. Oh man, Michael Wincott. Ew. Who? He's the guy from Willow. He's also... Bad guy from Crow.

Yeah. Oh. that's pretty good you just need like a puffy shirt so right around here like one Patrick Stewart makes some sick burn on violent American society which I guess this is definitely means that this movie does not

take place in Canada yes even though it just should but he wouldn't get that sick line in I guess but then Carthizer right here gets on the phone he's talking to K dog right here because he uses the he's telling him he's like Oh, there's all these guys around K-Dog, and they all have hardcore artillery. And he's walking around, and he's cool as a cucumber.

He's talking like Bruce Willis. He does say, we got ourselves a die-hard situation here, man. Like, he's done this shit a thousand times. Oh, yeah, K-Dog, don't worry about it. They have hardcore artillery. How about I'm just sitting in a closet shitting my pants? Well, because he's a gamer. He's got all the knowledge of what to do.

He's like, I've played every map, dude. I know what to do. Eric's correct. he's detached from reality. He no longer sees this as real life. This is a game. This dude's an in-sell guaranteed. No, I think in 15 years, he's Joaquin Phoenix from,

uh, you were never here. You were never really here. He's just going around fucking killing people with hammers. After the event of this movie, yeah, I think he's just... One difference, though, is that Joaquin's character in that movie is a veteran with PTSD

and guaranteed this dude's not serving shit. No, he's a veteran of fucking Gamergate, dude. Oh, yeah. They lost a lot of fine soldiers in GamerGate. Thank you for your service for bullying that woman. I remember when they got putrid ass boy, lady, for. Made a lot of memes back then. Didn't want to, but I had to.

It was them or me. These fucking losers. So he's... They shoot the shit out of more cars right here. And is this just to prevent people from driving away? Yeah, I guess so. But it's also to show what's going on. on at the school.

Oh, I see that they're not messing around. Creates natural barriers, too. And Carthizer escapes into a event system. He winds up in some old part of the school. Oh, my God. This is the haunted wing. He ends up on the roof at some point

before he gets into the haunted house. That's a part of the school. And he just jumps down a chimney. Like, nothing's breaking his fall except for his legs. He should be dead or shattered in some regard. Well, he's running on a bunch of fucking surge dude

he's just got the sugar high surge was cold in the morning it is awesome though because like some dude like is about to spot him and he's just like and jumps down this fucking chimney and yes somehow manages to get into a haunted house

it would have been funny if it was like the in Gremlins when Phoebe Cates tells that story about her dad dying because he jumps down like Santa Claus and he got stuck and no one knew like that's what he just gets stuck I don't know. I guess that kid escaped.

Sick, cut the six months later he's the skeleton. It's in the fucking... What's that smell? Or then the rest of the movie's just like 127 hours. Oh, wow. Cutting off his limbs to fall

down the chimney. He has a fucking dumbass line here too because he's looking around this clearly haunted wing. Like a student was murdered here and they just boarded it up. He goes out, oh,

so that's what they did with Uncle Fester. Hold for applause. It looks like something out of the Resident Evil games Like there's some journal somewhere in some little drawer You gotta find Uncle's journal Some fucking puzzle you gotta do Christ move the ruby in the fucking statue Can I see a zombie or what?

Exactly I bought this to shoot at things And I have to do a puzzle I like really took me out of those games I was furious like looking up a recipe in Zelda Oh yeah exactly My God So he he there is a computer He gets to a computer room here

he's able to hack into Picard because I'm a child Patrick Stewart's system Yeah Bentley's system And what's he doing here He's stealing the data So he knows like what the plan is or something I think so

He's just trying to get an upper hand on things And this is the best part is Where did those 70,000 Bentley emails go? Where did they go? He called the police chiefs You know they make a perimeter And Bentley's like I swear to God if anyone comes within

50 yards of this school, I'm going to start shooting children. Well, he doesn't say exactly like that, but he does say like 50 yards. This is a hostage situation. He's going to get sloppy as fuck. And like the captain's like, yeah, no problem. Send in a bunch of guys right now. This could have been fucking Waco times five. Oh, definitely.

Kitty Waco. More kids. Waco now with more kids. Do not Google. Do not Google. Kitty Waco. Please don't. Please don't ever type the word kitty into the internet.

How about that? That's a good rule of thumb. Good rule of thumb, right? Yeah, don't even say it, not even on a podcast. Well, I'm sorry. Steve, we just don't want you doing a hard time. Like my parents' next door neighbor, that's a story for another day. So speaking of kitties, there's an assembly, and all the kitties are in there.

And Patrick Stewart does this great, like, oh, we just want to keep you safe. You might hear some weird things today. It's just an exercise. with the police. Now, there might be some explosions, capoos. And, oh,

you might see some weird things like guns. Poo-Doo-Doo-Doo. It's amazing. Dead body like this. It's just a severed head of the pigeon lady.

Or a bunch of blood. It's just strawberry jam. Drip, drip, drip. Mmm, delicious. He's such an asshole in this. I love it. When he was like, like, like,

I don't you see? They like me more than you. you fricker oh oh dear and then he like records his own outgoing message for the school he took time out of this terrorist fucking assault

but it doesn't make any sense that the cops are already there who gives a shit about an outgoing message for parents that's a great great question there's a lot of great questions to come because I feel like this movie is a burrito that sounds like really good oh it's like the the carnitas burrito it's just pork it's awesome

you order it because like Dyerhardner Prep School. Got it. I want that movie. Yeah. Patrick Stewart, sign me out. But it just starts to unravel because there's just too much shit in here.

There's just way too much. Where did the corn come from? I didn't ask for corn. Yeah, man. Fucking sloppy burrito cinema. Because the next thing we do, we cut to Matt Craven, who you'll forget was in this movie.

And Brad Whitford, not Bradley Woodford. Oh, yeah. Who doesn't need to be in this movie. Not in the least. It's his whole side. That whole thing. Are we negotiating like the next host of the Tonight.

show like what is this fucking television executive deal that's being broken? I think it's supposed to be like a cable merger. Right. Jay Leno's hiding in the closet. Oh, really? Okay. Oh, okay. We can lose Conan too.

Oh, well, okay. Upcrap school full of kids. Guns got it. You're just writing it down? I wonder how they're going to spell all this in the newspaper. I just, it's so extra at this point. Stupid news. Come on, folks.

Folks. You know what? One of the greatest things we're missing from films today. is back in the late 90s, I think in particular, there was a lot of Jay Leno on the Tonight Show in movies commenting on the events of the film. I remember Mad City with Travolta. Does that have a Jay Leno appearance?

I think it's probably the longest of the Jay Leno appearance. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Isn't that the movie about like the poisoned water? No, no, no, that's a civil action. Oh, what's this is? It's like Dustin Hoffman is like a sad old bastard holding up someone?

Or John Travolta is holding up something and Dustin Hoffman's like the old reporter who goes to cover it. You can tell how prevalent this one. Directed by Costa Gavra. Yes, you're right. You're right. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, boy. Wait, so what's Jay Leno talking? He's just talking about the hostage situation? Yeah, exactly. He just does monologue jokes about what's happening. Oh, that's bizarre. Funny enough, it happened so much in the 90s.

Our last film we talked about, the Flintstones had one too, right? Oh, well, he was like hosting. That's a rare instance of Jay Leno playing the character. It's Jay Leno Month here on We Hate Movie. It is. Collision course coming up. Oh, Christ.

I feel like they've kept it up, though, because you can't fucking watch a movie about seeing fucking Fallon these days. Fallon is in a lot of movies now. Is he in that Jurassic Park sequel, too? Because he's in that first one. No, it's just the second one. I blink that shit out immediately after.

It's just the first one. He's not in the same old thing. I don't know. Pat Kiernan gets around, man. Pac Kierman's got a page on the MCU Wiki. I appreciate that, though, because Pat Kieran, he kind of needs the help, I feel. Like, it's like a good pick-me-up for him. Because, I mean, how much is New York One paying?

He's a New York Institution, Pat Kiernan is. No, definitely. New York One is paying him more than other people at New York One a bit. Oh, definitely. Yeah, and he's all speaking of Canadian. That's right. But see, that's okay, though, because it's like, Pac-Kirnan is a local news guy that nobody knows.

It's like when you're putting, like, Jay Leno and Fallon in these situations, It's like, see everybody, this could be happening in the real world. You'll get some Jimmy Kimmel sometimes, but very few and far between. Daily show and Kimmel, like Trevor Noah, I've been noticing more TV has been using him as their... Really? Yeah. You should just concentrate on his own show. That would be nice.

So, yeah, so like Patrick Stewart is rounding up these kids. He's got a list of kids. One of the teachers stands up sick. And it's kind of great. She knows, obviously, it's a hostage situation. Yeah. Even though, like, you know, he's playing it off. It's like, it's not. And she's like, what are you going to do with these kids? Which is a great question. Yeah. Wouldn't you like to know? Well, now you're helping us round them up, Missy. And she helps. And... Okay, now what I want you to do is separate the girls and the boys. I won't tell you why.

Just everyone get in a different room. No, so, but this is at this point. Melissa is Carthizer's sister step sister and she's with her friend Gabby who happens to be one of the rich girls and they won't be separated and she's like I want to be with my friend Gabby

and he's like all right whatever more fuel to the fireman how much are you worth there little Melissa you didn't make my list your arms are too stringy for the manual labor will get to put you through he's got a list of the worth

of all the kids he does it's a little checklist well even like the poor case oh, you're only worth $150, Jesus Christ. I'll do you a favor of kill you right now. It'll be good. Right? Because the thing is like $75 million from all the rich parents.

They all have to donate this money or he starts blowing these kids away. That's right. And yes. And as this is happening, the police try multiple times to infiltrate the school and explode or get blown. Fail horribly. Fail horribly. Simultaneously, CKR is down below the school with a bunch of fucking. an indeterminate amount of

molemen. He has the line, gentlemen, start your engines and he's drilling. And he's got the worst British accent. He has one scene with Patrick Stewart. That's always got to be uncomfortable when like a non-British person is like doing a real shitty British accent to a

British person. Yeah. No, like I would imagine it's similar to our UK listeners listening to this fucking shit weekend and week out. Well, he has also a very weird and annoying tick. He's super weird about being on time. Yes, that's just like gang.

Even when everybody's like, the kid, the child has the upper hand, we're so fucked. The child is up a hand now. We have to be on time. Because this is what, get to fragil rock we do. The kid,

Carthizer starts hacking the school. Yeah. And he starts messing with the heating system. Ooh. There's this like freaking Italian head of computers for Patrick Stewart. This mook, anyone get a look at this guy? His name's like Marvin or something.

Yeah, he's like, oh, man, this kid over here is messing up with the whole freaking thing. And Patrick Stewart's like, all right, Marvin, relax. Someone might shoot you in the face, Marvin, be good. I'm around this computer. Oh, mama me, I control out the lead. And, yeah, so the heat starts to go up. Everyone gets really hot and they're trying to figure out what's going on.

Then the sprinklers go off. This is a big deal. He's messing with him. I will say before the sprinklers go off, there is some awesome pitting out of like almost every character in this movie. Because they're pitting out, dude. Are you kidding me?

Pitstains. Pit now. Because it's hot as balls in the school. I call pit pitting out something else. What do you call it? I don't know when I'm digging in my ass. I thought that was digging in my ass. I thought you called that coring.

Well, that's what I removed. it. But no, otherwise it's just the cavernous pit. I see. I see. Well, that's good to know. Yes. I'm just trying to liven things up guys. I understand. It's information that I'm talking about digging in your own ass. You know, all you do that.

You got to do it. You get some dingleberries in there. You've got to get them out. That's one of those things. You've got to go mining. That's one of those things. Like, when I'm on my deathbed and the snapses are firing, that one's going to come back to me. Oh, absolutely. Eric likes to do that. Spulanking. So, Whitford,

is like the dad of another kid at the school. Yes, and they're doing this. These two of these titans of television trying to strike this deal have kids at this private school. Super ill-defined, and they're yelling and they get a phone call from Annable Gourovich, like,

hey, look, all of your kids are in danger. You guys have to come back now. They get in a helicopter. They put the deal on pause, right? Do they have that right? Not before, yeah, they get in this helicopter, not before Bradley Whitford is like, he says to some third guy

he's like, you keep him talking and you keep hammering them with everything you got. Do we get, and I'm like your child has been kidnapped. You want to keep this camera on me? I'm going to walk and talk real quick. Don't worry about it. It's so ill-defined. It's like you keep hammering them. This business deal

has got to go through. I mean the paper war. Business and money and paper. He's dressed like fucking an ambassador on Babylon 5. It's an insane I don't know what that is. It's an insane business. suit. I guess it's supposed to be a cool young executive, but it's colorless. It looks weird. It does look bizarre. And then they get in a helicopter. They get over there and they're starting to,

they start to negotiate and they realize, uh-oh, Bentley, the guy, Patrick Stewart, is their former head of security. Bentley? That's not Rafe, guy. Also, don't use your real name and also try and hide your very, your iconic voice, sir. Surely there are not other Rafe Bentley's out there. Actually, it's Ralph Bentley. I'm his brother. I'm my brother. Wait, what?

I'm hanging up. Prank caller. Prank caller. Why, yes. This is Frank Rizzo, smart ass. Sizzle chest. Your tits. And coming up in a few moments, the Egyptian magician.

Oh, no. Yikes. Hang up. No, but so they realized this is like, yes. Oh, didn't think I'd have the upper hand on you this time. Did you, you son of a bitch? It's weird how they pepper in like some PG-13 profanity in this movie. Yeah. It's like mainly stuff like that. Carthine said shit. Shithead happens. Oh, shithead happens. The principal calls a guy later in the film that we'll get through. Shithead. The best one I still think is when Ah, Marone himself. goes to a computer and it says weinerhead bouncing on the... That was the big thing.

Like, they're going... Like, he can't get into the control room where Carthizer... That's his name? Yeah. Yeah. Where he put in like the fucking sprinklers and the heat and stuff

and once he finally gets in, you'd think like maybe he'd like destroy the computer or like take the keyboarders do something to make it like not stoppable. But instead, he takes the time to go into settings display wall no not wallpaper the screen saver and types in wienerhead and then i guess sets it to a low timer so that it would come on in time for this guy to see it oh i've been there man yeah you said you go to settings display i spent a lot of time that's what i thought computing was for a long time is getting on settings and changing that desktop background man that's just windows 95 for you absolutely and then you put a password protect it protection thing on the screensaver so you can't get wiener head off of it That would have been a great idea.

And that guy's like, bro, fucking wean ahead. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? It'd be great if it was just, Vincent Carter. Uh, uh, uh, you didn't say the magic word, rock and roll. And so, like, everybody, literally every character who's not at this school when shit goes down is making their way to this school. Even K. Dogg himself is skitching on the back of a garbage truck to get there to help out. And here's the thing about K dog. They're buddies.

You know, he calls him up. He calls up cars. Bodies and business partner. He's like, hey, man, I'm not selling as many. Where's the game? I'm supposed to sell it today. Blah, blah. He's like, oh, man, diehard situation.

Well, I'm going to come right over. A, terrible idea. B, as they're talking, this guy, if my name is K dog, my name is K dog, you can call me dog. You cannot call me doggy. Doggy is off. Really? Why?

What happened? But how about if I don't respect you at all? Oh, okay, then you can. Then I can call you doggy. Okay, because that's what's happening. I miss doggy. He's called a doggie alternative music. I don't know.

I'm on the phone with him. While he's trying to give him business, he's like, thank you, doggy. Well, he's known for that style. That's correct. I'm better than fucking everybody, especially my puppy here. But Patrick Stewart, by the way, we're going all over because whatever. But Patrick Stewart's like, well, now that I have you on the phone, Bradley Whitford, I'm going to let go all of the poor students and I'm raising my price to 600.

million dollars. This is a jump in a half. It is. It really is. He says, yeah, he's going to let, I guess, like, the 25 poorest students go. Because you can't let them all go, because if you have to, like, put one in the head of one of these rich kids, you still want to try to make up that loss. Well, this is where you know, he wants to die. 600 million. If somebody tells you, I want 600 million, you're like, okay, he wants us to kill. I want a helicopter, mister, you better get me that private helicopter and 600 quadrillion. billion dollars and godzilla and jody foster better be here because we're married secretly she doesn't know it but i know it bring me ronald regan uh action man so yeah also bring me the rest of the beatles the surviving members who's alive it's 97 who can i shoot everyone but john they're all there you could give me wringo but i'm hoping for george uh he pulls a 100% lifted from fucking home alone move around here where he heats up the door handle this little son of a bitch like how dare this movie this is so smart though because you think

that's it you're like oh whoa classic home alone ask move right but he takes it up a notch yeah because this guy then gets into the room his hand is burning like he's uh like he's uh like he's in the beginning of raiders little lost dark babe oh and uh whatever that guy's name was and he steps on the floor and it's acid yeah there's like science lab acid on the floor oiling acid exactly so he's like oh you can't do this guy was like garret graham by the way i thought it was garret gam through like half this movie i wish we would be so lucky well i mean you can now you know why they needed a security team and they needed fucking you know help with the school now because they were fucking flinging around acid in science class that's

good point. Do you think this is why he got kicked out initially as he was doing this type of stuff to people? We have to use acid. We have to use acid everywhere. At this point, Zeno moths. He lores the same guy into a room and he's like

the guy does have no shoes and you think that's going to be part of the prank or whatever and he's like... I was waiting for that to be the whole movie because that's just another diehardt thing. Exactly. I was waiting for that John McLean moment. But he's like, you know, by the way Cole is one of our most natural resources. Most abundant

natural resource. Take that 1990s. And he opens the thing and a bunch of coal falls on the dude. Is he dead? Is he dead? No, he keeps you keep thinking he's dead because he keeps a lot. He would be dead, I think. That was a lot That was a heavy fall. Why is there coal? That's a great. I guess

I guess for winter, they fucking thrown into the furnace. I think the Donner party was. Fred Kruger works at this place. Killed by beautiful clean coal. It's coming back. fell all over a guy he's dead pick it up pick it up such a heavenly way to die you have a job pick it up we keep like going back to this drill every once in a while and it's just like yep still

drilling now back to the movie at one point with the showers with the fucking sprinklers there's this whole thing about like turn off the water main and then they turn it off but then he can't drill because they need water to use the drill so they keep turning it back on on and off. It's very funny. It is very funny. At this point, Carthizer is in the tunnel system, and they send in the ferret, which is real weird.

When they said that, I thought it was going to be like a mythical creature. No, it's just a weird short guy. I thought it was going to be Steve Mushemey. I thought it was going to be like a bunch of rats tied together. Like, really just trying to get this kid out of these vents. Well, yeah, and he's like kind of

run around, you know, at this point, Carthais has got a gun, which is a very something you could do in 1997 and 1998, but then that's it. Right. Then guns in schools are not less fun. Yeah. It is weird watching it now and he's just running around this fucking terrible haircut of this firearm. But it turns out to be a trank gun and he gets ferret. This is another guy you think is dead because it's a ferret coming after. Yeah. This is a pretty good scene. Decent stunt or dummy work or whatever it is. He shoots the fair. The ferret shoots him first. The ferret gets him in the rubber part of his shoe.

He shoots ferret in the neck. The ferret falls down this shaft like 30 to 40 feet. You hear a clank. This dude is dead. Here's the thing. If you're going to call him the ferret, he needs to be a little bit more slender. Yeah. He's a little too pudget.

This is a mole man. He's a mole man, dude. The burrower. Something that sounds fast. Send in the ground hog. Yeah, there you go. That's not what we call him the ferret because there's some stories about. about him you don't want to know about all right it's just we don't think they're true but

name stick listen it's a gang he might have been with Richard gear oh wait that's a gerbil they call him the ferret they call me the diaper don't worry about either of the names all right who is the guy that gets electrocuted somehow Garrett graham again he goes back to life oh isn't him again you know who he also looks like the tiniest bit is sting yeah a little bit well The guy's chasing him and, like, he's like, come here, kid. And then Carthead's, like, in your dreams. I feel like the guy should say, no, no, it's not.

No, I don't dream about that. Shut up. You know what, now I'm not even chasing you anymore. You're sick. Hey, kid, you're sick. The, is it the police department or is it Brad Garrett? Somebody tells. Or Brad Whitford, pardon me.

Raymond, the school's been taken over. My son's in there. Oh, is that my son in there? or Brad Garrett's playing the little mole person. That would be funny. They wouldn't be the ferret. Then he'd be the polar bear. You can fit an event, dude.

The guy is a vent. Vincent Carheuser would have to go inside of him and they'd have to send the ferret into Brad Garrett. Better movie. Somebody mentioned somewhere around here that Patrick Stewart is ex-British Secret Service. Yeah, sure. No, I mean, yes, they do.

You say that, though, he needs to go up to like Callum, Keith Rennie, or one of the dudes on the team and be like, I believe, mister, we are behind schedule neck break. He has to be not foiled by a kid who spends most of his day sitting down. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be nice, maybe. Well, it's two, because K-Dog's involved as well. Kay Dog's probably sitting down too. He sounds like he's got a handle. No, he's out, dude, fucking pounding the pavement, selling these bootleg games. I got, I thought he had a phone tree or something.

He might have a phone. country. But the thing is, so at this point, at some point in this thing, we're like, Carthais is just running around the school, dispatching the ferret and other people. He gets the phone with Annabelle Gorwich, and it's a really weird scene because she, she's like, oh my God, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm okay. And she's like, you got to do it. You got to stop this. You're the only one that can do it. I'm like, you know, you're sending this kid to his death. The thing you say is like, just find the closet, stay out of the way, be safe. Are you safe stay safe i knew we shouldn't let you rent die hard look what happened but she's like you're our

only hope you're our man on the inside and i'm like that fucking flying hell you're trying to get this kid killed i guess it's because her real daughter is in danger she doesn't care about this fucking turd but that's the whole scene she's like i'm sorry your mother walked out or whatever do you know what a few minutes too late screenplay i don't give a fuck it's where you're like there's cauliflower in the burrito's well sorry if she's if she's if she's He's sending him on a suicide mission. That ups the suicide feelings quite a bit. I think that's a good move.

Speaking of a way to groom a child soldier, I guess. Speaking of suicide, this is about the time when they start sending wave and wave of cop in. And they just start stepping on landmines. It's like, when did who, how did those get there? I think it's from a separate terrorist attack that's happening at this group. I think we need a flashback of Patrick Stewart and a fake beard being, oh, I'm the Godner. Yeah, back in 1942 or whenever you would get mines.

Oh, you can get, I can get just a month. Oh, yeah, you're going to give me some minds. In the 90s, yeah, in the Balkans, they were everywhere, dude. Maybe that's, maybe Patrick Stewart did some time down there, you know, destabilizing Kosovo. That's what it sounds like his mom. Yes, yes. We're installing a new sprinkler system.

My name is Rafe gently. Man, Rafe gently look out, born name. I don't know you're going to say he's like looks at a car. Bentley He keeps doing it Somewhere around here Speaking of fucking pornography Patrick Stewart has a horrendous line

I'm pretty sure it's Patrick Stewart Where he says I'll spend I think he's yelling at Brad Whitford Maybe on the phone And he's like I'll spend all my money Rubbing you out

What? Think about what you're saying Terrorist Rub it out dude They also one of his high I guess one of his goons shoots a bazooka at this like SWAT van

which was appreciated. Good explosion. Not bad. Practical effects. I'm totally down. The sort of like things are they get money together by this money man who comes out of nowhere. I guess he's in the boardroom scene but he becomes so important to this movie. Oh big time. Foster I think is named.

Oh yeah dude. Foster is a key player in all of this. I thought old fuck two is how I had him in my father. He shows up to Bradley Woodford. He's like, well, let's do it, Bradley Whitford. He's like, oh, thanks, Foster. And meanwhile, Matt Craven, who you thought was in this movie is just sitting on his hands somewhere. He's credited, like, kind of up top, too. I didn't get it. So there's a weird thing. So around here, by the way, it's not phones, it's Waukey Talkies. Because what happened,

the mom grabbed the Wachie Talkie from K-Dog. This is where the grown woman is addressing this child as K-Dog. Sure. And one of the guys, I think it's the Italian dude is like, hey, hey, Bentley, get over here. I'm getting something on this half channel. And I was like, I don't know enough about radios,

I guess. But they discover that like, they figured out Carthizer's identity. They know that like his sister's here, blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry to break up this touching family reunion, but shut up. And he's like, all right,

now I'm definitely getting that Little girl. But this is what he turns the screws on Miss Fricker over here, or Mrs. Malloy, whatever her character name is. Maloney. Maloney, because she's like, I'll release 20 students. You can tell me who Melissa Soen Show is. Right.

And she's like, I won't do it. I won't. And he's like, but it would look worse than the paper if they're dead. And she's like, all right, it's Melissa Soon, so it's this girl, this and the other thing. It's like, man, you just fucking sold out a little girl. One dead girl or one dead girl? school class, you decide, principal. And I definitely blame you, not me.

The needs of the many, I weigh the needs of the few. That's right. Star Trek adage. Is this like, so when she caves and gives this info, is this where he does the little shimmy? I think he's doing some shimmies in this. He does, like, it's the one where, oh, my God, yes. Well, that's the one where he's saying, like, like, he's excited about getting the money. And he's like, oh, he's going to go to a tropical island.

Oh, yes. Under the tropical sun, yes. I'm going to be spending the rest of my days under the tropical sun. But that's what he does in either generations of first contact. It's the same thing. Let's try a mumbo. Oh, right. That's what he was doing in the 90s.

I guess he was in a dance class or something. I got that gift certificate, goddammit, and I'm going to take every last one of those classes and integrated into my work in Star Trek and elsewhere. All right, Nazis. What we're going to do is we're going to storm that green room and we're going to fucking kill them. And then we'll mumbo afterwards.

We'll get our red laces and be mumboing here and there. Man, we saw that movie, like, right after Anton passed away. So it was, like, kind of weird. But fuck, Patrick Stewart is great in that movie. And so is Antonio. I mean, it's a great movie, but, like, Patrick Stewart specifically is, like, bone-chilling in that movie. His film career kind of sucks, right? That's not a...

Yeah, it sucks. It just kind of sucks, unfortunately. Well, he's got those franchise towns. And that's it. I mean, like, you know, he's great. on the stage television here and there I Claudius he's great in the old BBC stuff but

like his film career has just not been great and like that's what I was so happy that Green Room happened and like yeah he's kind of going through a renaissance a little bit right what I mean the new the new Picard show I'm pumped for I cried at the announcement I can't wait

Logan was something yeah okay that's right I forgot about that I'm trying to think of none of you ask Ethan Hawk no who the fuck is right Ethan Hawk is correct he had some stuff he's the bad guy in conspiracy theory that does that does not count that's a stay tuned in a half that's like two years before this movie

wasn't he like Robin Hood men in tights that's kind of it oh right oh right he played the king yeah yeah that movie try to go back and watch that yeah it doesn't it's now no I don't know I mean I'm not going to sit here and say I'm like the biggest male Brooks fan to begin with but like that one specifically. Yeah, I like Mel Brooks, but I feel like that one is very much of its time. Oh, he's on that

American Dad show. He's in a movie called The Wild Wedding as Harold. He's in the emoji movie. Yeah, it's just not. No, yeah. No, it's not good. Green Room. He was the fucking voice of that dragon in the direct-to-d-d-d-d-dragon-hard sequel that came out. A couple years back, that suck. No-to-self,

rent-dragon-art secret. People say that that blunt talk was supposed to be funny. It was okay. Um, I did not see it. You really have to like Jonathan Ames' like voice. I'm okay with that. I mean, I like board to death too. It's just like you really do have to.

That's kind of all it has going for it. Oh, apparently he's in, uh, both Ted two and a million ways to die in the West because he saw fucking Seth McFarling kill somebody. Well, no, he's on that American dad show, man. He's part of the family. He's probably there for Thanksgiving. He was on the family guy a bunch too. I don't know what Thanksgiving is, but I'll come over, Seth.

I don't, I don't know what American dad. I've never seen the show. I wouldn't be surprised. It's a lot of fun, I bet. There's an alien in it. You know what he's in that I watched to see if it would be an episode, and it's not because it's just like barely a movie and total trash? Is that Legends of Oz Dorothy's Return?

Oh, my Lord. It's like shit-ass, like food fight level CGI. Oh, God. But with like Dan Aykroyd, Jim Belushi, Kelsey Grammer, Leah Michelle, Martin Short, Bernadette Peters, Hugh Dancy, Oliver, like the list goes on for this garbage fucking Oz movie.

Note to self, garbage Oz movie. Dude, it's unwatchable. You'd be better off renting that Dragon Heart sequel, I'll tell you. That is the one notable bit of trivia about this movie is that they offered the role of Bentley to Kelsey Grammer first. Oh, really? And he turned it down.

Niles taking over this school was the first idea. Oh, Niles, it's a hacker. All right. Well, I've tried my best in Seattle. I guess I'll go to California to be a security expert. Oh, what? I'm fired.

We'll never have to buy Sherry again. There's, so like Carthizer, he's running around with a baseball bat. He's kind of like upping the game here. He breaks into a room where the pigeon lady and like a couple of other. other teachers are hiding with all these kids. Yes. And he's like, oh, you know, where's my sister? She wanted Oscar and would just call her the Pigeon Lady.

She wanted Oscar for Home Alone to escape from New York. She was the woman who played the Pigeon Lady in Home Alone 2. I believe also in that movie. Down into the left. We're told that doesn't the Pigeon Lady like live in the attic of Carnegie Hall? Like, is that the thing? There are apartments up there I read about.

There are, yeah. Which are ridiculous. And they're like rent controlled since like 1910. Didn't Bill Cunningham live there? That's the thing. In the Bill Cunningham documentary, he gets fucking forced out of that. That makes total sense. Yeah.

So now they're just like rich motherfuckers instead of like working artists, legends like Bill Cunningham, getting to live in them and, you know, sustain meager life as it's growing up. It sounds like New York real estate's a little carabre. Oh, you don't fucking say. I don't know, but it sounds like that. Yeah. The pigeon lady has some, like, action around here, too. She's, like, kicking some ass.

Oh, that kind of action. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, she's not fucking those birds, dude. She had a bird baby. Oh, God. She fucking laid an egg in the park, dude. I saw it.

Dude, the pigeon lady must have smelled like shit. Oh, my God. Are you kidding? Right? Yeah. And here's the problem, the biggest problem with that movie. why is she not covered head to toe in feces? Well, I mean, piss feces, it dries.

Do you think she gained respect for Brenda Fricker, Fricker? Fricker, I believe. Brenda Fricker, do you think she gained respect for pigeons whilst filming that movie or lost respect? Lost, yes. And I mean, Cabin might be on to something like stuff dries. So maybe it was just like the shit turned to dust on it. Oh, wow. Like after a while she just dust off her coat.

Of course. It'd be in the fibers at that point. It's in your lungs, dude. It's definitely got some parasites going on inside of her. She's got like four tapeworms up the wazoo. She's got like four tapeworms. It's a tapeworm eating itself. So he winds up putting them in the haunted part of the school,

and that means they're well hidden. He has something, though, where he's like, he gets into this room and he's like, where's my sister? And Fricker is like, well, everyone's here except your sister. She was kidnapped because the terrorists know who you are. and he goes like, what? Every little brat in here is fuck. I'm like, you are like fucking two years older than these kids.

Again, you bastard character. And Fricker is like, go on, go and save the day. Again, no, no, no, no. As like an adult in this situation, you have to be like, hey child, stay here. Let's wait for the cops to sort this out. Because the other thing is, what is happening here is one, it's a terrorist takeover of a school. But secondly to that, it's the kid who loves. left the school and he's coming back

not as a student. Yeah. And it's like how that relationship is with the fucking teachers that are still there. Yes. Yeah. It's, I know he was expelled, but it's the same thing like if anyone ever went back to their high school after graduation and you saw the teachers and they like, they

acted just a little bit differently because you weren't a student anymore. Oh sure. That's that casualness or whatever is happening here and it's like, no, no, no. Terrorist situation happening. Well, that is like going to be like say by the build a new class kind of thing? You think he's going to be the vice principal in a couple of years?

Oh, man, that could be. Man, you never felt sorry or for screech than in that series. I was a little surprised because you'd want to differentiate from home alone a little bit. He doesn't have like a love interest or anything like that. Yeah, like some girl or something for him to do other than just to be like, like, told you so. Well, he did.

He's a computer guy, dude. He doesn't have a girlfriend. Patrick Stewart. You would think it's like, it should be like diehard where it's like either either Bruce Willis is on the screen or it's Alan Rickman or that's it. Maybe some Bonnie Bedelia barely. But like Patrick Stewart disappears

for large swaths of this movie. Carthizer disappears for large swats of this movie. When we have Brad Whitford talking with fucking Foster and these like money changing hands. Listen, you keep on them about that business has to go through. I don't want this business not to go through. Business is supposed to go through.

Business goes through. We have to stamp and mail that business. business that doesn't go through is not a business. Did you sign that business? It needs to be signed before it goes. Money is business and business is time. I'm going to bring some of this business in my briefcase, but leave some of the business here.

Yeah. Some of the businesses here. We can't take that particular bit of business home because Foster needs it to do some businessing later. It's the vague business trade. Now shut up because I have to read my business all night tonight. That's what I have to do. Foster shows up

actually with a briefcase, Phil. filled that with business, but Barabonds for $600 million, I don't know how you get these things. I don't know. I don't know how you get it in the time. There's something, I think they're like signing stock or something

like the liquidating company stock or something ridiculous. Oh, is that what it is? I'm putting this together from my vague knowledge of business. But in 97, like 600 million dollars. Dot com, boom, baby. It would take a while. It would take a while. Fucking dude, he's got a controlling interest in excite.

well that's the thing it would make more sense it was somebody like like the Mercer's or something give me all the ultra vista stock oh you know what yes put it all on

two cows.com anybody ever used two cows no I have no idea T-U-C-O-W-S dot com it's if you go to it now it probably disintegrates your computer but it was a website where you could go to get like freeware programs

like knock-off programs of actual things that you would have to pay for and you know it's just if you he did like a shitty picture editing program just go to two cows they got garbage out the wazoo that you can download for free oh by the way at this

point they have Patrick Struits arranging a helicopter to show up so that they can leave via the roof but that's all just a clever ruse ruse away finds we find out that CRR in the basement there is not a fortunate son he's digging all the way

to he's the Canadian Robert De Niro Eric show him some of his it's like a river or something he he he's a river slide they're digging into this next room that has ATVs for their getaway so presumably this stupid thing is they parked ATVs to drive away and first of all you're driving away in a recreational vehicle car this little toy get a fucking car go cart what the fuck you're doing and you're going to drill through like what is taking forever Like, I don't even know how thick these walls are in this basement and the soil they're digging through. It seems like a massive waste of time.

When they actually get through, it looks like cardboard, like that you could have punched your way through to the other side. And also, you need like 30 men to do it. Like, there's so many people down. Like, there's like 20 dudes running around the school with machine guns. Those are the kidnappers. Then, I mean, I guess that's why he has to up the take to 600 million because he's got a lot of ends to cover here, man. It's like, well, what are they doing that math on the fly? All right, well, that's, all right.

So the ATVs were how much? Okay, so, God, damn. I told you. $75 million is not going to be enough. It's just not going to be enough. Should it just rented a bus? Is this drill coming from? Was that one of the demands?

Bring me a drill. A diamond cutting drill. Don't ask why. Tomorrow we decide which countries we want to buy. But there's this great bit where this captain, who's not really a character of me, the police captain, who's running the scene, has no control over the scene because K. Dogg is now in a,

he meets up with everybody. He's with the family. They're talking about the scheme. Everybody, K. Dogg is here. Guys, guys gather around. K. Dogg is on the premises. Doggy, you mean? Oh, doggy's here? And K. Dogg is like, well, I think we should let, we should let Action Man do his stuff, man. He's like, K dog, no, forget about it. It's too crazy. And then, like, K dog's like, forget you, man. And he leaves. I'm like, all right, K Dog, but don't go inside that active crime.

Oh, he did. Ah, shit. Is Bernie Sanders controlling the scene? Somewhere around here, though, how does it come to be that K Dog is involved in a plot where he's, like, sneaking through a sewer drain? Well, that's what happens here. He looks at the thing. He looks at the thing. He realizes that they're going to escape via ATVs.

Oh, that K. Dog figures that. And he gives the cops. And he gives the cops. He's like, all right, well, this is where we got to be. And there's like, K. Dog, forget it. We've got this under control. I was like, forget you guys. Like, all right,

come on, K-Dog. K-Dog, go home, watch Judge Judy before TRL comes on and just relax. Isn't this, though? Doesn't the mom say something? Like, because K-Dog says something about the sewers.

Is she enlisting another child soldier and her daughters? Am I crazy? There's something about like, we used to go through these tunnels to cut class, and then she's like, oh, K-Dog. I am so disappointed in both of you. It's another.

Die Hard 3 scene because it's a it ends up being flooding the tunnels. Oh, right. In the fucking best way I've ever seen to flood a tunnel, man. We'll get to that in a second. Foster's going to go in and at this point,

Patrick Stewart. It's awesome. You're the only one doing this. It's great. Patrick Stewart, because we do the Nexus every week, baby. It gets in your brain. Every week, really. No, I wish. Every month. On patreon.com

slash we have movies. But he, Patrick Stewart's on the phone He's like, all right, the money is ready I see my helicopter, thank you. I'm about to mumbo one more time. But One more adjustment to my plan. I want that son of a bitch who fired me

Foster to deliver the money. And you're like, who the fuck is Foster? I really have been watching this movie for it. This movie is an hour and 45 minutes. How dare it, first of all. This is a hard 90 if I ever saw it. I enjoyed watching this movie, but it does drag. So Foster is like, fucking Foster.

I thought that was Bradley Whitford, the whole movie, by the way. It should be. If you have Bradley Whitford, it has to be Bradley Whitford. He's Foster, because who cares? So it's like, all right, we're going to wire. They put a bulletproof vest out and like, hey, Foster, try not to get shot in the face. This is actually, I appreciated this because just once in a film, we are discussing the logistics of a bulletproof vest. and this dude's like yeah like there's a wire in there so they won't even know if they check you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and he's like yeah by the way if they start shooting make sure they get you in the chest don't go getting shot in the face or nothing and I was like thank you no one ever says it You had the bulletproof mask suffocate you, so you can't do that.

We need bulletproof masks. Honestly, I would love to wear one every day. I mean, you're going to have to if everything keeps going. Right. It's fucking, it's like weather now. It's just like rain in the United States. And I would like to wear a mask to hide my face because I hate it. You want a bulletproof mask to defend from rain?

With the rain of bullets that constantly descend upon us. God, how did you not? follow that. The cowering human populace of this country. Because he was talking about weather. Well, yeah. It's like we need we need Kevlar umbrellas. Okay. You know what one of my favorite details of this movie is?

Please. Whenever they have to go into like the haunted chambers of this school, fucking Vincent Carthizer is walking around with this goddamn candelabra. Like he's fucking fan of the opera. Dude, this thing is amazing. It's outrageous. It's like a ten-tiered

candelabra and he's got all of them lit. He needs a little more... And now I hack under the school. Yeah, exactly, dude. He needs, like, a little... Like, there's a stabbing Westwood song in the beginning. You got that... We need a little bit more pop music.

It needs to be like, I need some inspiration. Yeah, put on, like... I heard some seven dust. Oh, really? Okay, I do some seven dust. I could do some placebo if we've got it. Oh, placebo. If we've got it.

Delightful, man. Delightful. I do like it. This is what he wires the pool to blow. Because he's like, all right, The movie's ending, so let me just Let me figure something out And he puts a bomb in the pool

Which was his plan for another day But he's like, oh, I'll use it for this instead. Oh, didn't I wire that pool to explode For Plan G? Wow, why not just use that now? So he wires a pool to explode And then he winds up going to this main room Where the money is being handed off

And now there's this tete-a-tete between Patrick Stewart and Foster where Patrick Stewart definitely has a line Screw you too, Foster. Fucking great. And then like Carthizer jumps in, takes the gun from Patrick. I'm sorry, wait a second.

Jumps through a skylight like he's Batman, for Christ's sakes. Lands on Patrick Stewart, takes his gun and gives it immediately to Foster because I guess it's like the adult in the situation. So here you go. And then Foster goes, wrong move kid. I'm in on it.

way, I'm foster. Who are you? Who are you? By the way, shoot this kid in the face. Absolutely. Done deal. Yes. Because he's been messing with your people the whole time. He's fucked up your plan. You just told him you're in on it.

Yeah, he's got to go. They tie him up like whatever. Like, nah. No. No. Two in the fucking head. If you don't want to use a bullet, just fucking stab him in the neck. Stangle him. Stab him westward.

is what you should do. Oh, yes, exactly. It's kind of awesome. No, no, no, no, you're facing east. Let me move you towards the web. This is kind of awesome. This, like, skylight jump. So, like, everybody's covered in glass.

Patrick Stewart has had, like, a hundred pound kid land on him. They both stand up like nothing happened. And Patrick Stewart just goes, well, if it isn't Dennis the Menace. Yeah. Oh, boy. He's having a little bit of fun in this movie. There's something about a shove it somewhere around here. Oh, really?

Probably from Carthizer. It seems like a pretty cool thing to say. So they tie him up and he does. I agree with Eric, yes. If we shoot this kid in the head. They keep the girl for an insurance policy. I don't necessarily go in with that either. Well, why would you?

She's not one of the ultra-rich kids. What does it matter? I mean, I guess the idea would be in case of trouble. Like, if the federalized at the other end of this tunnel, like I'd have a gun driver. But that never works out anywhere. Just use Foster. Nobody knows he's crooked.

The stepfather is doing vague business. He's like, I mean, there's an EVP or something. Yeah. They're rich with a super rich. I see. Yeah, that's actually true. I mean, you've got nitric acid in this fucking school. Yeah.

Kill them both. There's got to be like a bathtub or something or like showers. Oh, fuck yeah. Just fucking this giant tub of lie full of children. And then you're like, oh. And but then you're like, oh, yeah, they're totally with me. Yeah, they're not in the school because I stole them. If I see any cops anywhere near me,

man, I'm going to kill him. They're totally dead, by the way. See, he wants to die. He wants to get caught. This is not like, this is exactly what's happening here. So he, he, uh, this is the dune buggy sequence. Oh, yeah. Chasing tunnels do these, chasing, uh, chasing these kids in a tunnel rather.

The pool, that explodes. That explodes. Dude, it's kind of awesome right here. It creates $75 million of property damage. Dude, this tidal wave of this pool draining and you see, it's my favorite shot in this movie. Fucking K dog is like getting hit with the water and he's like, And I was like, oh my God, is this going to drown?

Oh, my God, sacrifice K-Dog screenplay. Well, because K-Dog's about to get killed by, like, Callum, Keith Rennie, or somebody. One of those goons is about to get him, and then the water gets all these guys. And after this point, the only people left on the board, as it were, are Foster, Patrick Stewart, and Carthizer. That's it. Everyone else is, I guess, dead? Or just, like, yeah, they tapped out. Or they got an owie.

I think a lot of them got awry. I don't know, man. a fucking pool falls on me, I'm done for the day. That's an owie. I'm done for the day. So this dumb chase. Fricker knocks out Foster.

Yes. Baseball bat a little bit. And then she gets hit with one of these dune buggies. Yeah, she gets really ganged with it. And now K. Dogg and Carthizer are chasing Patrick Stewart because he's got the girl. He's taken off his dress shirt. This is awesome. He's dressed as a soccer

hooligan? Who the fuck? Oh, it's just a dunebug riding soccer hooligan. I guess it's Manchester United or something because he starts screaming United over and over again. It is a man new uniform and he's like, United! United or whatever he said on.

Very bizarre. So he's like, oh, you, Rayf Bentley, you thought I was the upper cross. Turns out I'm a lonely Brit. You know, like I go to soccer games and pubs. Disgusting. They're chasing through this tunnel.

Carthizer has, I think, the worst line of the movie right here. Oh, I know what you're going to say. He goes, who does this guy think he is? Saddam Hussein. Because at this time, there's a couple missiles that get fired off in one of these tune buggies. And that's what inspires that line, which is really like, no, he's more like Norman Schwartzcuff, babe. He's loaded this thing up like Dr. Robotnik. I'm sorry.

You're right. No, you are right. well you're right it would be awesome if when his dune buggy crashes a bunch of like bunnies and fucking birds jumped out of it

get them woodman yeah and like yeah he's firing missiles at these kids it's awesome nothing lands it's disappointing

there's this moment when the dune buggies are side by side this is the most annoying part of the movie the girl is between the two things Patrick Stewart has her they're trying to get

able to get into their dune buggy. K-dog is driving now and Vincent Carthizer's trying to grab his step sister out of this rival dune buggy. And they keep saying like, we got you. Like, come on, just jump over. And just repeatedly they have this girl being like, no, no, no. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. Like, one no is enough and then drag this little girl out of the car.

I'll say there was this big beam. I was like, holy shit, is this going to be fucking hereditary or what? Oh, man. Or speed, dude. I'm taller, little girl. Just like, holy fuck. But the girl jumps off right in time. And then, like, this is great line.

It's totally ADR, Patrick Stewart, from here on out, where he's just like, good, I didn't need that little girl anyway. Ha, ha, ha. Wait, where am I going? Yeah, no, it's something like, I hate kids. Where the hell am I? I still have all my rings. Yeah, dude, but this is total ADR.

They recorded this fucking seven months later. Patrick Stewart didn't even remember making the movie. So they wind up in, the kids wind up in like San Francisco or wherever the hell they are. I don't know. They crawl out of a manhole like the Ninja Turtles. They don't even really know where they are, which is funny since they live in this area. Yeah. Because you mean, this was like presumably just a car ride underground that they went on.

Right. So it wouldn't be that far from the school you go to. It's awfully long, though. It's like the French connection. Like it goes for a while. Which movie's better? this one clearly the only time

fucking masterminds and the French connection will ever be mentioned in the same breath it takes so long though and I'm just like you're just this is where you could get down to that 40 47 minutes get down to 40

kept this shit I'll tell you once you need to cut well no I was going to say Carthizer says like I don't know downtown because he gets a cab driver oh right he makes a phone call on his radio I don't know how this works He's using half channels, dude.

I guess so. Did he invent four channels? Oh, yes. This kid definitely. That's a half channel. That's the spaces between spaces. Steve, you were saying? No, but at this point, something to cut is they cut back to the school and the police captain is arresting all these people and Foster wakes up from being knocked out and he's like, oh, man, I was totally not in on it.

And then Brenda Frick is like, yes, you were. calls him a shithead too I think she goes to him shithead and then like Carthizer's on the on the radio's like hey he had called the guy who's behind it all like the guy what do you mean the guy is so outrageous you don't need to keep going out we have it all

he called the guy who's behind it on his phone hit redial and he hits redial and it's the other guy from the business Larry Millar is wrapped up in this this is like a sub Sven Ole Thorson looking motherfuck I thought it was Sven Olthorson dude I did too.

I was so excited. I checked my phone. I checked the goddamn I am Dean B. And I was so mad. I was furious. The second this dude spoke, the second he spoke, my dreams were shattered. I was flabbergasted. No, it was Patrick Stewart the whole time.

End your movie. Can we just do that? No, but instead we end the movie with Patrick Stewart in this ATV dune buggy machine. I don't know what. Driving out of a pipe. He thinks he's on his way to freedom for some reason. And it turns out. I don't know why he's gunning it out of this pipe. It's a fucking cliff.

He flies off of it. And he's like, I guess he has time to read the sign behind him. And he goes, oh, no, raw sewage. It's a sewage thing. Yeah. And he falls in it. He's like drinking fucking turds in the water there. Drinking K dog's turd.

Tasteful touch not having him come up with shit all over. Yeah. I think that was like, well, could you not... I'm about to play Macbeth next month. I would rather not be drenched in shit. Thank you. No, you just, you use it. You use it, Patrick.

And then, like, he hears the cops coming, and he's like, oh, got to go. And, like, just goes underwater, and then Youth of America starts playing again, and Patrick Stewart's just getting away at the end of this movie. Which is great. Sequel.

The money starts to flow down in shit. I think he's trying to get the money and shit. You know, it's like the end of Rose. our dogs with Mr. Pink. You don't know what you got out or not. But, dude, no, Steve, you remember, man? If you turn up your TV really loudly, you hear those, you hear the tires screeches, gunshots. On the laser disc, if you turn up the 5-1 track all the way, you hear the siren hint in the background applying that Mr. Pink does, in fact, get caught. But it's only on that back left channel of the 5-1, so you really have to have the set up. Yeah, yeah. In this isolated track, you'll hear Patrick Stewart gobbling shit. If you hear it And he goes That Mr. Pink act That Mr. Pink thing was

Someone told us that in college Word for word Yeah I'm sure he did And then Youth of America Just takes us into the credits Well the credits by the way Is a highlight reel? Like everyone gets

Not a blooper reel No important to make that distinction Because they show Patrick Stewart And he's like It's right at a moment Where he's hamming it up And I was like Oh fuck a blooper reel

Come on I was kind of excited for a blueboreal. I really thought it was a blueboreal, but it's just segments of the movie, him doing that tropical sun. He's doing the dance again. And I wanted it to be like he breaks. Like, oh, that was fucking dumb.

You're not going to put that one in, are you? Nope. And then, yeah, we get, everyone gets their own highlight reel. It's amazing. I think Foster got one. I'm sure he did. But it's just insane.

Like, how do you not have? Australian for unnecessary. how do you not have any kind of like just one little scene tying everything back up like you know what Ozzie you're welcome back on campus anytime because there is the last scene is Picard and shit or Patrick Stewart and shit same difference but no the the the scene before that is Carthizer and the girl being like I guess we are brother and sister like and it's like barely audible yeah because it's on that other track she she repeats something that he's stressed at the beginning because he's like

step sister like at the beginning of the movie so she's he's like yeah you know little girl you are my sister Boba and she's like no step sister right and he's like nope the real thing and that's fine that should be the end of the movie or like to your point yes it should be him

with the parents and it's like you're not going to military school after all well son you can keep on pirating whatever you like yeah exactly steal all the video games and by the way kids you'll be proud of old dad when that terrorist thing was wrapping up, I solved all of that business

dealing stuff. Because that's the other thing too, right? Like, where the fuck? What's the dude's name? Larry Mallard? Like, is he doing time? Is that guy getting arrested? Was it even proven that he cares?

You know what? You're going to have to read, you're going to have to read the novels that come after the movie. Oh, I see they adapted it into just a book series. Oh, yeah, there's a Mastermind's expanded universe. Oh, cool.

The Mallard affair. kind of John LaCarray type stuff Masterminds 3 The Shittning It's all about how Patrick Stewart became made of shit There's some radioactive material Oh of course

And then he fights Swamp thing Eventually Tinker Taylor Shackard Shits Yeah I'm just looking through This soundtrack A lot of crazy bands on here man So good dude

Cabin is right about that seven dust, you spotted that by all the way. Time capsule. But here was, I just like kind of had the credits rolling because I do like that Youth of America songs, so I let it play out. Then it goes into some other garbage song that I didn't recognize, but did you catch, I don't know if you left it on. One of the lyrics, like the first lyric of this, whatever the song is, goes, I threw you down like a piece of shit.

No. And I was like, so is the songwriter saying like you like push someone down or like you, you had like a piece of shit. song about an ape. You eat pieces of shit for breakfast. You eat pieces of shit for breakfast. Yeah, well done. Oh my God. Would anybody recommend this movie?

I would not. Yeah, it just didn't do it for me. I think it's fun in ways. It starts out kind of fun. It's a very saggy middle. The end is fun and also incomprehensible. It could and should be better than it is. Patrick Stewart is a little bit of fun in this movie. that's about it. Too long. Fuck it. No. Whoa. I'm going to say yes because I do agree that it slags in

the middle and towards the end and it becomes incomprehensible. But the first 30th, but never the less. Shut the fuck up, Chris. I let you speak. And he's right. The first 30 to 40 minutes is a stone cold blast. You got your fucking 90s garbage music. You got the fucking one-liners. You got the fake hacking. You've got Patrick Stewart not only romancing someone, but then becoming a villain. So I'm going to say yes. Yes.

Nice. And actually, they could just take a bunch of what you said. And if this ever gets put on DVD, you're their man for pull quotes. Actually, just put that on DVD rather than the movie itself. That was what we were entertaining. How about me and Patrick Stewart do a commentary track? Oh, fuck. And he's just saying they're like,

didn't remember that? That was something I did. Weird. Why are you bringing this up? I remember the mamba dancing, though. Can I leave? Nice belly, mister. Is this Patrick Stewart in the bathroom for a long time? I wouldn't recommend this.

I hated it. I'll never watch it again. Wow. I'm interested in this toy soldiers business, something else I have. I've seen that at some point and I don't remember much. Yeah, it was a little greening out. I must have greened out on that one, Mr. Day. Yeah, and honestly, I think a lot of,

lot of it has to do with just my hatred for this little Vincent Carthiser character. I just, I couldn't stomach it. Yeah, it's like looking in the mirror. I know. I couldn't even believe it. I was like, look, it's like I was in a movie in 1997. That's fucking terrible. That's Masterminds, directed by Battlefield

Earth's Roger Christian. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on the headgum network. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. More content over the air for you. Picard, we do a Star Trek show there, if you don't know. There might have been some clips on the feed. You could peep those.

We recap an episode of the original series and the next generation in one episode together. That's why it's called The Nexus. And there's like 25 of them now as of this month. The 25th one is coming out very soon. Wild shit, man. Steve Sadek, what do we have on the docket for next week? Predator Common, my friends. Aliens versus

Aliens versus Predator Requiem. Oh yeah. This is a guilty pleasure this guy right here. Never saw it. Still haven't seen it. Dude, because it's basically a slasher movie.

Ooh, I like that. It thankfully moves us from fucking Antarctic temples to a suburban town, which is a little more lively of a setting for this kind of movie. And what's awesome is

it picks up right where that one left off and the whole movie is predicated on The Predators having car trouble. It's fucking awesome. You're flooding it. Stop, you're flooding it. Don't stop turning the triangle too hard.

Wait for me to unlock it. Wait for me to unlock it and then you pull. Yeah, I know, I know. So until next week, when the Predators call AAA, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen, say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.

That was a hate gum podcast.