We Hate Movies - S9 Ep380: Episode 380 - The Stepford Wives (2004)

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang tackles the confused, wrong-headed, obnoxious remake, The Stepford Wives! With a film like this, being remade in the 21st century, why not attach some women to the writer/director roles, eh, Paramount? What does this film think it's trying to say? Why are we forced to think about Broderick's junk? And why. in. the. WORLD could they not decide between ROBOTS OR MICROCHIPS?! PLUS: Is this episode the first time Jimmy Durante was mentioned on a podcast? The Stepford Wives stars Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Bette Midler, Glenn Close, Roger Bart, Christopher Walken, Jon Lovitz, and Faith Hill; directed by Frank Oz. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's a remake with so many plot holes, it's a cinematic Grand Canyon. It's the Stepford Wives from 2004. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sex-Bot. Chris Cabin. Eric Stepford-Ska. Jesus Christ. Oh, one was better than the other. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for our fine program, as always. Like we said up top, it's the Steppford Wives,

from 2004, directed somehow by the legendary Frank Oz legendary puppet performed. So what? Directed by a guy known for fisting, Yoda. Was he doing the fissing or was he just

voicing? I think he did a little bit of both. Was that like a stip man? If you're doing the anal, you've got to do the oral. How else are you going to connect with your puppet character? Hold on. I just want to You know, I wouldn't bring it out. Eric was like, you know what, today I'm going to be a family-friendly comedian.

That lasted 13 seconds. I am trying to restrain myself. So you didn't talk about the sound it made when he did anal to yode it. Did I talk about the sound? Did I talk about the sound? Not yet. Wait, wait, Chris, can you do that again? All right.

It's not me. I didn't do it. I think it's a perfect time to bring up, by the way, before we get going, to officially announce you are hearing it first on We Hate Movies, gentle listener that us four guys will be back at my other place of employment, the Jacob Burns Film Center, for the fifth annual Halloween movie marathon.

A night of family-friendly con. That is right. That night is Friday, the 26th of October. Wait, isn't that no-fisting Friday? It's a no-fisting Friday, unfortunately. But let me tell you, we will be talking about to honor, it's not out yet, but I'll tell you, I've seen it, I had a lot of fun with it. I think it's a good movie to honor the new Halloween, directed by David Gordon Green.

We're going to be talking about one of the worst ones, Halloween for the return of Michael Myers. And this is a live commentary track. We're going to be goofing over the movie. Goofing over this girl in a little clown get up. But that's not all. If you get tickets and come on out to Pleasantville, New York, you will get a night of movies. It's a marathon. That's right.

A whole bunch of horror movies, man. I think it's like 10 movies over two screens. And then another theater is going to be full of shorts. I am playing a lot of movies. Two screens this year? Two screens, man. Expanding. Expanding.

Two screams. That's for two screens. So, yeah, we're going to have, the way it's going to work is there's going to be like the opening film. Then we're going to go on. And then after that, branching out two selections for the rest of the night. Gotcha. The rest of those films will be announced soon.

tickets are already on sale. You want to snag that early bird pricing man. Go to burnsfilm center.org. Click on October 26. You'll save five bucks if you get your pass before the 17th of October to hear us riff on one of the absolute worst Halloween sequels. And then also talk about a bunch of other fun stuff maybe. I don't know.

We'll see how much we can pay attention to the movie. And this is 2018. If you're listening in the future, this was 2018. Burnsfilmcenter.org for more details. So, yes, the Stefford Wives, you got something to start with here? Yeah, Frank Oz's actual directorial. I want to know what everyone thinks

is his best directing effort. Okay, yeah. We go around the horn with this guy. Christ, it might be this. Can we get the little Spanish flea thing going for this one too? He's still looking it up. Well, I know, because Cabin and I were talking about this earlier today, so we did The Death at the Funeral remake in 20, 2 or 7.

17 movies. 17? 17. Dark Crystal. Muppets Take Manhattan. Great movie. I'm not going to count video shorts. Little Shop of Horrors.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Another short I'm not going to talk about. What about Bob? Oh, fuck. House sitter, Indian in the cupboard. In and out. In and out. I bet that movie is more out these days.

I haven't rewatched it with a contemporary lens. Bowfinger, the score. Stay tuned. The Stepford Wives. Death at a funeral. And then he's got a documentary Yeah And then it's an episode of leverage

Oh the doc about the Muppet guys Yeah yeah yeah I will select What about Bob? It's so like those early movies It's tough man Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is fucking That's great

Little Shop is good too I have to give it to Dirty Rondon scoundrels Just because that's the thing I've seen that movie 200 times probably It's a coin flip Of A Little Shop of Harrah's V The other one

there. Oh, the other one. What about Bob? I'll tell you, I think honestly, just for like sentimentality's sake I really love The Muppets Take Manhattan. I think that might be it for me. That's good. That might be my favorite Frank Oz movie. Couldn't you get into the dark crystal too scary for me as a joke? Yeah, I didn't give a shit about that one. I love Bowfinger

so that would probably my second. I mean, what about Bob? You might be alone there with that opinion too. Really? Well, here's a lone opinion. You think anybody out there would say the Stepford wives? No. No. Who is this movie for? This movie was a summer release June 11th.

This would cost $90 million to make. I think this was a movie. Who is it for? I think it's for the whole family. Everyone can have fun with this one. How did it cost? I mean, that must have all been actor might because it's not showing up on the screen. I got to be honest.

They cut out a lot of stuff and they apparently there was test audiences that hated this movie, rightfully so. And they ended up cutting out all their big. CGI effects works. Yes, that Bett Midler scene is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. You could find it on YouTube. But what are you talking about? The scene when Bette Midler is revealed to be a robot is a much longer scene. Oh, really?

It's on, yeah, it's on YouTube as like there's a compilation of Stepford Wives, 2004 deleted scenes. And this is like five minutes of like CGI work of her like going haywire, turning into a lawnmower, turning into like a squeeze.

Full on Inspector Gage. is what it goes. Oh my God. It looks better than that Matthew Browder expected gadget, but it is full inspector gadget to the point of which she even, oh, she, her head flies off to simulate an orgasm because she's going haywire. She's doing all the Stepford Wives protocol and then at the end of it, when her computerized brain thinks sex is over, she opens her chest cavity to reveal a refrigerator full

of bud light. No. That's what... Fucking way. Yes, that's what your man wants after intercourse. How does Bud Light not take that and just use that as a commercial? That alone. Can we purchase this deleted scene from you?

Dude, that is a Super Bowl ad. Dude, is the end of the scene then, like John Levitt is like, oh, come on, baby? No, bud, heavy. Well, no, I feel like... He's not in it. Nicole Kidman. Oh, she's not actually having sex. No, no, no.

It's like, these are my features. Yeah, all of her protocols or whatever. Would you like a bud dry? I feel like Lovitz unfortunately has to be the one stocking that thing. It's like, come here, all right? He's got to go to the store. Well, I think this may as well be the thing to start with. This is this gigantic plot hole that I mentioned at the start of the film.

There's two things given in this movie as to what these things are. Sure. At one point in the movie, they're robots. Like full-on robots. Like, is it Faith Hill who has the fucking 18? shoot money out of her mouth? Which is disgusting to look at. No, that's not her.

What fucking Faith Phil has. She has her neck broken essentially. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Oh, she has like a malfunctioning. She's sparking and shit. But then also we're told in this movie by like Christopher walking or something.

It's like, it's just some microchips. You plant some microchips in your brain. And I'm like, how the fuck did this movie get put into theaters with this egregious fucking error in it? And it gets. It gets, we'll get to, towards the end, but, like, it gets so much more confusing as it goes along. It just, yeah, it just, it doesn't, and like, usually in a movie like this, it's like, ooh, what's the thing, but the movie doesn't know what the thing. You know what I mean?

So, I mean, like, the Stepford wives, obviously, it's a woman goes to a community with her husband and she's like, what's going on with, it's like a fucking, are you afraid of the dark situation? It kind of is. Now, Eric, it's based on a book, but Eric, you rewatched the movie from the 70s and it's like more of a horror film? I've never seen it. It's just, you know, that one, it's, it's very long. It's a slow burn, but it's, it's pretty good. It's like get out or something. It's, it's, it's very, you know, satirical about suburban conformity.

And it's like, you move to the suburbs and suddenly your husband's hanging around with, like, the men's association. It's a pretty chilling movie. Yeah. Yeah. And they're robots in that? Um, yeah, sort of. No microchips. Towards the end of the movie, she, she actually stabs one of her friends that has totally, completely

changed her personality. You don't know that any of this robot stuff's going on. Right, right. It's very like kept hidden towards the end. And like it goes through her and it's like it's nothing. And then she goes home and sees that there's another version of her that's getting ready. And then

you know, this. Well, you go yeah, you could see it. I think what they were doing. I mean, the problem I think is that they needed to have an ending where everybody was alive still because in the book and I think in the movie they just killed them and there's robots now. Yeah. And That's just it.

Which makes more sense. It's more, it's more, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's satire. You know what I mean? Like, that's saying something. Yeah, like, you're literally, like, wiping this woman off the face of the earth. Yeah. And replacing it with a robot. Not just a microchip that, like, Matthew Broderick, dumb acidly presses a bunch of buttons and deactivates them.

Yeah. Or whatever the, like, this movie, like, what a disaster. What an embarrassment. How are you still in business? This is a disgrace. I can't even stand it. Pick one. A robot or a robot or a,

microchip did no one say anything to anyone so this movie opens with Nicole Kidman is a high-powered the run it she runs a TV network of what seems to be a successful one it's at this impossible conference where like EBS the new reality yeah is it a network that just does reality shows that the idea yeah and she's like E TV or whatever it's like kind of the upfronts I guess you'd call it like where you are saying what what the new shows are right and the first one she shows is uh it's called um balance of power and it's about it's like a dating show with meredith viera of all people well you can you can you can you can get a whiff of the 2004 with merrith viera

hosting a game show coming next we'll get a 2004 man no i know but you see her turn around in this chair and i was like who wants to give a shit uh final answer Would you call it? Would you have to vote a friend to give a shit? Oh, Steve, please give a shit. I'm on this game show. Who's those things? Meredith Vieira, sorry, bud. Ask the audience. Oh, yep, nope. Half of them give a shit. Does that narrow it down for you? So, Steve, what is the, what is the gimmick behind balance of power?

Well, you only see the lightning round. It's a husband and a wife, and it's like, you have to buzz when the statement is you. About you, right? About you. It's like, who makes more money? And the woman's like, I do. Who has a bigger IQ? I do. Who has a better, who's better at sex? I am.

And then like, there's this thing. The last one is who wants to be married to a hot lesbian and they both say yes? Right. But dude, you know what lesbians are, sir? Yeah, but married to me. So I do. No, no, no. But she would be a lesbian.

Yeah. You see, a lesbian. But she would be by property. That's what it is. That this dude thinks that him being. a married to a lesbian gives him a fucking skeleton key to three ways. That's not how that works. That is what

it's played for, yes. No, sir, you need therapy. Because remember, guys, if in 2004, like late 2004, because this was clearly on video fucking six months later, if we went into a blockbuster video, this would be listed under

the comedy section. That's where you would find the standard deaf DVD. And why is it a horror movie? This is like, I think it's a Tim Burton movie and it's not. Like the score is Danny Elfman blink blink bloop bloops. Well, you will be shocked to find out. Our

buddy, Mr. Burton, was attached to direct this at one point. Not shocking in the least. Then we have another program. The music and Christopher Walken were left over Tim. Tim, you're going to leave the score here. I guess I'll stay.

Yeah, Chris, you know what? You know, I got kids. I got to go see that. Tim, you left me holding the bag in this shitty robot movie. Had to carry the whole film. Chris, you know, I've been watching your other movies. I think this is about

it. I think this is where you are now. You know, I punched Frank Oz right in the dick. Bring it on, oh, man. You might be right. I'm just going to go do a fat boy slim video. I think I'm going to do music videos now. Only that.

The next one is a Survivor type show. It's called I Can Do Better. Hosted by Billy Bush. Man, is that funny to look at? But just looking at Billy Bush at all. You know what he's kind of got going on in 2004? Little bit of a Billy Bush mullet.

Oh, sure, yeah. The tiniest bit of a mullet on this guy. We all had a Billy Bush mullets back then. And so he's supposed to be like a Jeff Probst Survivor host. And this show is they take a married couple, bring them to an island populated solely with prostitutes, male and female. And you get to like hang out with prostitutes for a week

and then you come back and it's basically like, hey, do you fuck or what? It's like that Temptation Island show, which was a thing, yes. Right. Yeah, I think they had to cancel that due to all the venereal diseases called the Hot Tubbs. Sounds accurate.

The army of hot tubs they had on that show. We're going to do Temptation White House. Billy Bush is back. He's hosting. The problem with Billy Bush is that he always... He's still living? He exists. That's a problem to begin with.

He's like if Ryan Seacrest fell in a vat of stupid acid. I feel like he has to take pills for him to stop turning into a Max headroom situation. Yeah. That would actually be a good look for him. Well, he is like, yeah, he's a Steppford person. Yeah. Do you think that's because of like all the souls, his uncle, like harvested throughout the world? Oh, yeah, man.

Yeah, totally. That's how he was born, dude. He's just a collection of. Stolen Souls. So the contestant on this show, one is Mike White and then the other, the woman is just some actress. But Mike White is important

because, well, it's Mike White so you can spot this guy from a plane in the middle of the night. And again, like it's this sort of It's a joke about how he's pale. It's a, it's your class. We know what the theme of this movie is immediately because first you have that the woman in the first bit

makes more money. This time, it's Mike White next to this gorgeous woman being like, well, you know, I got really close to something, but I kind of just made a good friend and I would never cheat on my wife. And then they go to the woman and she's like, well, and then all of these people come out. She fucked like the cast of a porno movie is the gag and then some other like Samoan stripper. Yeah. It's like, I don't know. You know who this Samoan dude kind of reminded me of though? The guy who played maniac, or not maniac cop. What the fuck was he? It looks like Robert Zadar a little bit.

No, but another movie Zedar was in that we did. Oh, oh, Samurai Cop. Samurai Cop. He looks like Samurai Cop this guy a little bit. It was pretty sweet. I thought like, because when he's revealed, he's like in silhouette and I was like, oh, fuck Samurai Cop. Nope. Nope.

Disappointed. Literally just some dude. And she's like, yeah, so I'm just going off to like fuck this baseball team's worth of people I have here. We're going to just, you know, we're going to be a Polly family. man. We're going to build a house in the middle of the desert and just make it happen. And then what? Like kill Sharon Tate?

That's the next step in that. Yeah, I mean, that's how all of those things fucking end. Dude, I don't care how utopian you think yours is or how great your fucking community farm is. You're all killing each other by the end of it. It always starts with tilling the fields and then slaughter.

Kill in the fields. So we come back to Nicole Kidman and she's like, that's why this is going to be the best season ever. Then Mike White shows up and he's got a gun and he's like I have a new show for you. It's called Kill all the women. Let's kill all the women.

And it's like, by the way, it's Mike White trying and be like tough and crazy. Yeah. Oh, stick to writing. It's so crazy how like this was like Mike White in this scene was like an outliner, outliner, outlier, there it is. In society in 2004,

like, oh, what a crazy notion. And now it's half of men. Go on Twitter, go on anywhere. Everyone's saying this, saying that. This is a black eye for EBS though because the fucking, the security guards have him. Yes. And they don't check him for a gun. They're just like, yeah, let him go.

Well, it's also on Nicole Kidman because she's like, oh, no, let him in. It's fucking Gary from whatever the fuck. And she's trying to like spin it and like make a moment out of it. Yeah, they're doing the thing. The security guards got like one loose hand. on his shoulder like that's not how that works yeah if this dude is barging into I think this is supposed to be like radio

city or something like excuse me this kidman this maniac wanted to speak to you in the middle of your speech oh right this way so he fires at her and like he doesn't shoot her luckily it doesn't get her he tries to kill her but he doesn't get her and then we cut to her being fired by her boss because apparently

and this is the other thing about this movie is like this should be a dark comedy and they're like well actually what Mike I did was the other night he actually shot all of the people in that form of the movie and and his wife they're all in critical condition but

like no no no just go there do it what because what what does it matter? We don't see those people they're cartoons I don't care you know crime scene photography yeah that's not this movie have you been listening to the stupid fucking score six are nearly dead

tonight because a man shot his wife and then shot all of her lovers. The door is locked. How do I get out to this movie? Well, oh, wait, no, that's Tim's music. I heard the but a little, little, little, little, little part. That's got to be where Tim is. Do you think that's how you, like, trick him into coming on the set? You just play it from a boom box and it's like Christopher Walker like jumps out from

behind a bush, like Tim, Tim, Tim Burton, is that you? Look, Frank, this is all you have to do. Just turn on the radio like this. turn it off when he's done. It's real simple. Real simple. You want a cape? I should wear a cape, right?

Oh, yes, I'll do whatever you want, Frank Oz. So she's fired. She has a nervous breakdown. So then we cut to their moving to Stepford, Connecticut. Well, Matthew Broder was like, oh, I'm so sorry. Those people did the worst thing to you. You know what, sweetheart? I quit the network, too, even though I'm a VP,

VP of one question mark. Yeah, I don't even bother to get into it. We're going to move to a Connecticut. And then, look, there's so many, like, short little scenes just to sort of make this movie a movie. To really, I mean, this is, like, 94 minutes long or something like that, really trying to get any scrap we can and just tape it to the side of this movie. Well, the beginning of the movie, the credit, it's got a very generous credit sequence. I was thinking the same thing, dude.

Like, it's going, it's like all this, like, old footage of, like, 1950s, like, housewives of the future kind of thing. Some of the worst fucking font you'll ever see by the way. Just garbage font up front You're trashing fonts now I'm trashing everything about this piece of shit fucking movie dude I'm sweating over here I hated so much You leave Bodini alone you son of a bitch

But it's like you're getting down You keep your hands off by Bodini Oh my God Steve's got a gun It's like oh we're crediting graphic designers Production designers Costumes like all up front You're like oh man You know what

Why don't we put this very special thanks up here too and all the company logos Kodak, let's put that up. It felt like it was like trying to be a classic movie. Like, this is going to be a classic film. It reminded me a lot of the opening credits to First Wives Club is kind of similar and it's written by the same guy, I think.

Oh, Paul Rudin? Yeah. Funny enough. Or Paul Rudnick. Wait, the credits are written by the same guy? Yeah. When this movie ended, Amazon was like, up next, the First Wives Club.

So how about that? But no, I think Scott Ruden is a producer on this film. Well, yeah, that's the other thing, too, is this movie about, you know, men who make their wives into, I mean, it's about a lot of things. But it should be about men who make them. It thinks it's about a lot of shows. Men who make their wives into submissive, whatever. So it should be like, you couldn't find one woman to either co-write the movie, produce the movie, direct the movie. Don't worry, ladies, we got it.

Exactly. No, no, no, no, no, no. Your experience will be on the screen. I promise you. Just stand over there. So another like totally offensive thing to me watching this movie is it's also peppered with a bunch of like New Yorkers jokes. Oh yeah, man.

Because it's a lot of like, because they're moving from Manhattan to Connecticut. So right up front it's like. Meanwhile you're in like Fairfield, Connecticut where everyone commutes to Manhattan to begin with. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, it's a lot of like, well, what are, you know, of course, what are we doing, honey? We're moving to Connecticut. That's the best way to wipe the city stink off of you? What's the...

Is this the lawns I've been hearing about? I've been hearing about these all around. You can't wear black anymore because we live outside the city. Yeah, like floral patterns. And... Can this movie make a decision about race at all? Like, it's about, like, the whole idea, I think, is about, you know, you move to the suburbs, it's this reactionary 16.

kind of thing like you try and get this white flight exactly and but there there are like there is an asian guy and there is a black person they don't have lines but like you're better off leaving those people out actually to make it pure white so like you're actually making a point as opposed to like oh so you want pure white in this if you're trying to make this point you know what's funny is um in the 1975 version this is kind of a amusing sort of part about race in that movie is an older woman is talking to the star of the movie, the Catherine Rosser, and saying like,

oh, you know, there's a black couple is moving into town. And, you know, I knew this was coming because Stepford is the most liberal town in Connecticut or whatever. And she's like,

what are you talking about? How is it liberal here? And the old lady says, we had the first Chinese restaurant. That is, that is the metric of being liberal, is tolerating. Asian food existing.

Letting them cook for you. But yeah, to Steve's point, like, either do it or don't. Exactly. Because you can't say you're doing it and then you're showing something else. Exactly. It's a bad extras problem.

Or like, yeah, exactly. Or have a black couple in there and like make that part of the movie. Well, no, because they couldn't or at least they thought they couldn't because the group that gets that in this movie is gay couples. Which makes no sense.

It makes no sense, but that's the one that they're doing so it's not like oh stepford's inclusive we also have black couples and asian couples and you know latin couples or whatever no no no it's not that it's don't worry stepford has two gay people and they're white don't worry about it yeah we move to their house which is like your house of the future kind of thing it's a smart house it reminded me of has anyone seen scorpio well yes the simpsons episode but also there's a hilariously awkward and pretty much bad remake of rear window

from like sometime of the 90s with our good friend Superman Christopher Reeves I remember seeing like the promos and stuff It was like post accident

and he plays a dude in a wheelchair who has like a smart house kind of with it. It's really weird. Is it a good movie? No. Yeah. I think it was like

made for TV and on like ABC or something. Like the time when they were making the Shining remake on TV. Oh, yeah, that's, oh, the Stephen Weber. People will tell you, you know, it's a better movie than that Kubrick movie, the one that aired on television with Stephen Weber. It's not better, obviously, but I think it's a watchable movie. Sure.

I mean, it's, like, it's probably bad, but like, I remember being like, oh, I know it's more faithful to the book, but sometimes you want someone. You know who's better than Jack Nicholson? that dude from wings exactly you know who's better than Stanley Kubrick a random Canadian yeah definitely did you know Eric that actually the 75 version had like four sequels for made for TV movies no I did not know there's like three or four of them now wow like the step for children at some point no are you kidding I'm not kidding I can't wait not to watch that so this house the future actually comes to nothing but like it's like oh look you you

You know, it's a self-cleaning house, or it's not a self-cleaning house, but like, you know, the security system is so great. But everyone's just walking inside each other's houses anyway. There's no security at all. Although they do, this movie anticipated the smart fridge. Yes, it does. I have a smart fridge. There's a fucking dog that needs to be shot in the head. This thing's disgusting.

I don't know what this thing is. It's not an actual dog. It's like a, it's like a CGI robot or whatever. Well, we find, eventually we find out it was a real dog, though. Oh, I stopped paying attention. there's at one point you see like a painting and it's the dog and she's like looking at the painting looking at the robot looking at the painting looking at the robot but like if you can make photorealist photoreal like realistic robot people yeah why is this dog just a cgai cartoon

that's farting around it's make a choice about fucking anything frank oz and paramount pictures oh okay on top of the fucking um shooting shit yeah can i talk The Electroshock as a joke. Oh, right. Yeah, she's on... She's talking and she's walking around. Yeah. And she just got done with Electroshock.

Yeah. And it's like a gag. Like, it's like... Later in the movie, they talk about the people who are against the Stepfords are like, oh, yeah, what are you on? Prozac, Valium, blah-bidi-blow, you know. Oh, yeah, we're talking about pill cocktails and shit.

But that's like leftover late 90s humor, by the way. Sorry to tell you. We meet Glenn Clack. close who's like hey I'm sorry to hear it it's uh she's like yeah welcome to stepford blah blah blah this is your house your toilet will fucking drug test you or whatever yes like your toilets are examining all your excrement and what i think is actually the best part of this smart house is there's a button downstairs right in the front door you can flush all toilets immediately simultaneously i'm going to do that all day listen i'm wary of a simultaneous flush like that man

I think the roof will blow off the house. Can't flush all the toilets at the same time. Imagine this. You live in a cavernous house like that. This house looks like Daniel Plainview's shooting at people in the corridor or something. And you're having people come over. You have so many bathrooms. You don't know.

You know, I'd be shitting in a new one every day. You're so rich at this point, you're not flushing the toilet anymore. I'm just going to take a shit, not flush it, board up that bathroom entirely, and forget it was there. Because we're a complete crazy town now. Because if you're that rich, that's what you do. You know, you don't go outside. So we're told by Glenn Close that we have the Stepford Men's Association and the Stepford Women's Group thing, which we walk in.

They're doing like bad exercises like in dresses and shit. Nicole Kidman's like, what are you doing? Do you always exercise like this? And she's like, oh, well, of course, because if our husbands walked in and saw us and drab sweatsuits looking all. disgusting. Yeah, it's every man's fantasy for everyone to dress like they're going to the world's worst fucking Kentucky Derby party. That's what that's what every, every man in 2004 was like, oh my God, I want a woman with a huge fucking hat. Oh, Marron, you see that one. Hey, sweetheart, I love your hat. And like, of course, yes, we said this, Nicole Kimman dresses like dress is like

I think this movie's by the way trying to tell you that Nicole Kidman's not attractive. Yeah, that's sort of their, they're kind of doing her shoes all that kind of you could be pretty if you wanted to. She's Nicole Kidman. She looks exactly like she does in the film Birth, which I think was also 2004, wasn't it? Probably sounds about right. So maybe it's just all carried over. She's like, no, I'm not going to cut my hair. I actually think Nicole Kimman's great.

I don't think she belongs anywhere near a comedy ever. No. See, Bewitched. Bewitched. I think to die for is pretty good, but that's like a dark enough where like it's almost practically a drama. Yeah, it's not an out. write quote unquote comedy. No, no, no, no.

But it was actually funny because my wife was like, which is worse, this or bewitched. I never saw it. Bewitched is terrible. And I think actually bewitched is the worst movie because it's worse because it's like, it's very self-reflexive. Like it is being a thing

about the bewitched TV show. Just make a bewitched movie. And it would have been totally fine, but it's like, she's a witch off. Camera 2. This movie is failing completely, but it's trying to do something. Bewitched was just a waste of everybody's time. Are you looking up to Cole Kidman comedies?

Yeah, I'm trying to see if there's anything that's worth it down. But she's not funny. And her being funny in this movie is like being stupid. Like the character, even though she's very smart, she's like talking kind of weird. It's not, she's not Nicole Kimman. That's my version of comedy. You know what? She's kind of funny in the first Paddington.

but that's yeah she's the villain in that she's the villain the first piling thing she's not bad in that it's funny when she pees on zach aphron and the paper boy that's pretty well that's just the cinema that's just amazing she is hilarious actually sorry in the others when she finds that ghost kid on the floor she is fucking hilarious there's a great comedy called rabbit hole that she's in oh my god and that's what i mean like her whole thing is like the worst shit that could ever happen to a person hide, get Nicole Kidman in there. Oh, like Australia. The movie, not the continent country. Oh, she's a laugh

a minute in Dogville. She's a modern-day Jerry Lewis in Dogville. So then we're introduced to some... You know, she's actually kind of fun. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. There we go. What is she in a Holocaust movie? No, she's kind of funny.

Deadcom in the hours because that nose is ridiculous well that nose is telling all the jokes she's playing

Jimmy Durante right yeah yeah yeah yeah give me some rocks in my

pocket ha chat man yeah that guy wow no one has said his name in a long time

I'm actually worried I think it's the first time anyone said Jimmy Duranty on a podcast yeah

yeah because that's like your grandfather's comedy now I'm wondering like if we said his name is he could

like haunt us or appear you know This is like a bloody Mary thing you're thinking? Yes, because no one said the words Jimmy Durante in a long time. Oh shit, we said it three times. Well, what we'll do later tonight during our sleepover is we'll all drink Kalua and we'll go into the bathroom and we'll just look in the mirror and say Jimmy Duranty.

That's the thing, though. I swear my nose got bigger when I flipped the lights. You know, you don't say Jimmy Durand did you got to say ha-cha-cha three times. Right, right, right, right. So yes, we meet some other people that Nicole Kidman can make friends with in this movies. So one is Bet Midler, who's another New Yorker ex-pat. These are all

New Yorker expats. So it's Bet Midler, who's an author. She's married to John Lovitz. Sure. And then you have Roger Bart, who was like an ad sales guy, something, something. He's an architect and the husband's the corporate lawyer. Oh, okay. I thought

it. Well, 2004 partner. FYI. But he's saying husband all over this movie. Yeah, he is. But yeah, so it's like, yeah, Bet Midler's like this sort of like cynical writer kind of a deal, like almost like a Fran Leibowitz kind of character. Roger Bart is

famous to me anyway for saying the N-word in the middle of American gangster, like having no scenes in that movie, coming in, saying the N-word, and then closing a door and leaving. It's insane. I forgot about that. Yeah, it's just like he's, like, he's not in the movie.

Like he's like yelling at who I think it's Russell Crow. He's like, you think this and he says the word. And then that's into the character and you're like wait this is amazing you had to farm out for that word well because I wanted to pull up to see like because I remember him he's in like

the producer is he in the insider I'll look in a second but it's weird because when you go to his IMDB page immediately on the known for it's the producers an American gangster that's it man where he's just credited as U.S. attorney

to be racist U.S. It should definitely be racist U.S. attorney. He does like Broadway, I think. He's a huge theater actor. Yeah, he does a lot of TV. When was The Insider game? 99. Let me see, just real quick here.

Yes, Sealbach Hotel Mamik. Because he's also yelling at Russell Crow in that movie. Oh, wow. Because when Al Pacino was on the beach yelling, I was like, get him on the fucking phone. Yeah. He's the guy who's like, get on the fucking phone. Wow, he's like the crow yeller. That's like a very important thing.

Dude, the same year he was U.S. Attorney, he was also. like one of the skumbags in Hostel 2. Oh, nice. Yeah, I remember that. I think he's the main scumbag in that. He's the guy, yeah. The idea that there would be, like this, again, we're talking about like reactionary 60s nonsense.

Right. And like, because we keep cutting to this men's club where it's a little bunch of dudes being, we're all smoking cigars, we're drinking neat whiskey. And like the idea is these are old white guys that want to turn their wives into fuckbots. Like, that's, they're bad dudes.

They're not like, and you know who we love, gay people. Like, you know what I mean? It doesn't Yeah, exactly. And make a point of them excluding this guy or something, if that's what you're trying to do, but then they're like, oh, it's fine. Well, their meeting should be like chilling really, really horrible stuff.

Yes, exactly. They should be putting... They're playing rock'em sock'em robots. Battlebots, excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry. But it's, it's fucking ridiculous. They should be putting, like, cigars out on each other. Yeah, or like, watching hardcore pornography. Really fucked up shit. Dude, like, stuff

machine wouldn't even watch. Machine leaves the room. Oh, God. Yeah, they're showing movies of Nicholas Cage every night. Machine is going to, like, move out of Stepford. It's a little much for Machine. I really, you know what? I came here. I had a

good attitude about all this, and then you just showed me who you are. It's disgusting. Hey, moving guy, careful with that crate. It's got all my zipper masks in it. You know, someone like him would probably not be down with this situation, because you You create your victim into a state of bliss that they enjoy, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These robots enjoy serving you. Yeah, machine-funded to that. You don't get, like, the tortured screams of the young and damned before you. You know what I mean? Look, guys, all I'm saying is I'm missing three knife diltos, okay? That's all I'm saying here. I came here with them.

They didn't just vanish. They're not up my butt. Are they up your butt? also annoying is roger bart's characters named roger oh okay come on like just please come on and they're like they become fast friends they're very new york new york this and that where you're gonna get a bagel blah it's the fucking worst though dude it's the fucking absolute worst joke there's a fucking three way like punch punch punch joke that the three of them do oh right where it's like uh how does a new yorker answer or answer a phone or something like that? Or it's like, oh no, what does a New Yorker do when their friend is sick?

And it's like, we call them on the phone to see if they're dead. And who's going to get the apartment? You might be a New Yorker if you call to see if you can get the apartment after they die. That's not. I say the worst joke in the whole fucking thing is when one of the wives goes up to sexual powerhouse, Matthew Broder. Oh, yeah. He looks at his shorts and says, are those banana republic oh yeah no i know what they call it banana republic yeah they can see the

outline of his dick it's right you broaderick's clearly huge dick dude that guy is stop talking about my horsecock in front of my wife comes with a lead pipe every time if you are constantly dependent on a public transportation system that has been broken since the late 90s you might be a new yorker and you might just vote against your own interest. Oh, isn't that the truth? So they go square dancing. There's a big, like, community picnic kind of a deal.

Yes, and this is when Faith Hill has a malfunction. Right. And right here, I mean, this is, like, speaking of Tim Burton, this is an effect straight from Mars attacks. Yes. And she's, like, spinning around and saying the same thing over and over again. Docee, do, like, docee, docee, do, do, do, yeah. And, like, all the dudes, like, close in on.

on her and Christopher Walken comes in and this is the big reveal of his character Mike it's like every somebody get Mike which is a fucking hilarious name to just yell by the way get Mike where's Mike here's the thing you almost never need a mic

I have never heard somebody say get me Mike I've never heard it in my life Mike the cleaner man fucking break it bed all right yeah but you would just call him and say come here you don't just yell you don't you don't you my name on the phone, Walter.

Apparently this is a it's Mike from Microsoft. That's, I don't even know what that line. Yes. In the 1975 film, there is a guy that says, just call me Diz. I used to work at Disney. Oh, okay.

But I think that's where they derived this from, but I'm unsure what it even is supposed to. Well, because. Because he's the microchip guy that puts it in their brains. I guess so. So shouldn't he work at Intel? But by the way, spoiler alert for the end of this movie, man, this twist ending, it's all Glenn Close. Christopher Walkins a robot.

That's the problem. I mean, I don't know if you want to talk about it now. We'll talk about it now. It makes no fucking sense that you have a woman behind the whole thing. It's like, at the end of Get Out, Lakeith Stanfield does a slow clap, but he's like, I did it the whole time. I always wanted old white people to take my body. Like, what are you fucking talking about? It has to be dudes.

It has to be dudes. For that to be the final level. It just doesn't make any. sense. It has to be dudes. It does. It has to be dudes. Even if it's Mike. Mike. So he does this weird thing where he breaks her neck kind of. Like a reset or like power off or something. And then like, I don't know, stomp her for a while. Everyone gets, everyone's freaked out. It's insane. I'm sorry, but it's insane that Matthew Broderick isn't also like, well, clearly that's a robot. Yeah. But you don't know what his deal is. You don't know if you got a pamphlet in the mail. Like, you know. you want to make your wife a robot or what oh do you so do you think he's in on it before they make him in on it the movie doesn't tell you the movie doesn't know the movie has the movie has no

idea what this movie and that would be a really interesting like even just to like tease it by like having him pass it one day while going to you know work or whatever and just like having a guy like hey let me show you around the house is you know open a house let me show nice beautiful smart home and get that out of way so fucking glen close doesn't have to do it right also there should definitely be, this movie is in desperate need of some sort of, well, yes, comedy competence, rich

storytelling, proper editing. No, it's got enough, it's got plenty of plinky notes. Yeah. No, I'm not complaining about the plink factor. The plank factor's fine. I'm talking about, you need some sort of private detective character. Oh, yeah. Who's on the hunt for like

some family that like went missing. Right. It's like a private investigator that that almost goes to conspiracy. It's like Stranger Things Season 2 with Brett Gelman or whatever. Like no one really believes him, but he's like on to something.

Maybe you get Martin Balsam back. I was just going to say it from Psycho, yes. Abrogast, dude. He was probably long dead. Ah, maybe. But yeah. But so they all kind of gather up. They have to see what's going on in Faith Hills house.

They get to Faith Hills. The three of them, Bart Midler, and Nicole Kidman, they go to Fayette Hill's half. Sorry, for a second I thought you called her Bart Midler. And I was just picturing Bet Midler with spiky hair.

But you meant Roger Bart and Bet Middler. Don't have a cow man. You're the wind beneath my wings, man. Cowabunga. And they go there and she's having like a crazy, like they're hearing crazy sex noises from the

attic and they're like, oh my God, wow, her sex life must be great. And because Roger Bart has to be this character He's like, I want to see what's upstairs I want some too I'm like what are you talking about You're just going to make a threesome happen I want to see heterosexual sex

They leave We do see her like She comes down the stairs And they find the remote control for her Which why wasn't that in the bedroom I don't know unless it slipped And fell down the stairs But there's a remote control button

To increase her bus size Yes And then, like, they make her go, like, backwards up the stairs. Right. This is after, by the way, the Al Bundy joke go, hey, babe, could give me some nachos? Yeah, exactly. Post-coital nachos. You need them.

I had the same thought, man. It's like, oh, I just got done fucking, how about some nachos? Are you kidding me? Also, like, how hot are these nachos? Am I getting dressed to eat them? Because I better because hot cheese on my pubes. No, thank you. Yeah, no way, dude.

No way eat nachos in the nude. That's a powerful image. I'm just letting you know by that double halapeno double chorizo honey if you could do that when Steve's new album finally comes out I think it should be called nachos in the nude yeah you know you could

like they're like sex robots now like you could eat those nachos off of the body right because it won't hurt her because she has no feelings anymore that's a good point dump all the hot cheese and chorizo on top of her you know like you know those those fancy movies where they have

they're eating sushi off a lady Oh yeah Now you're doing Rising signs I'm gonna say that Yeah you know fancy movies Like rising so No but other things that happen

For a minute there Scenes of decadence All right okay All right All right Are you actually saying that It's not fancy to eat sushi off of a nude body

You think it's You think it's fancier to eat nachos off a nude body I'm just saying for a minute there I thought you were talking about A Dusan Machiav movie or something Oh man dude Dusan Machiv

Have you had these robots are like eating their own shit and stuff. Yeah, that would be pretty cool. We have prayer circles or whatever. By the way, just to Steve, because Steve made the point, or maybe it was Eric, the thing about the boobes, the fucking big boobs thing, that's a fucking point right there for robots. Let's just get that out of the way.

That's a robot thing. But the other question, the big, one of the enormous questions to be there's an answer is like, they're always robots of the women that they, of the women they marry. Like, almost exactly. Maybe the boobs are better. Maybe they're in a little bit better shape. but like they are these gorgeous already women and they keep showing these schlubby guys

and even like Bet Midler says at one point she's like why are all these gorgeous like tens married to these nerds like you know what I mean like yeah and how did they get these women in the first how does fucking Matthew Broderick marry Nicole Kidman I mean how does it marry Jessica Parker but that's another question altogether but like you know what I mean like how does that happen

how does I mean John Levitts and Bet Midler even he's punching above his weight let's all absolutely are all these guys really that scared of a divorce like I mean that's like the weird thing like why wouldn't you point like the funny thing about it is that like yeah they were like they're too nervous

to get a divorce but they're not too nervous to kill their wife there's something funny about that yeah well the thing is like what Steve said that they are punching above their weight class there if they get a divorce they're obviously not they're not going to get as good as what they have with their wives but

we're also told that these women in their former lives were all hyper successful themselves so it's not like they had to marry these dudes for the money they're like fucking federal judges and running tv networks and whatever else so like none of this makes any sense and also like the idea like at some point matthew broadark has this like come to jesus scene with uh nicole kin was like i was always holding your purse you know what and i you know you can't give this stepford thing one shot i can't believe it baby and it's like dude you knew who this person was when you married her weren't you interested in her like career

drive like you know what I mean like any of that has to make sense you if you married somebody that's driven you know what the deal is you're probably attracted to that more than likely on top of that they expect me to believe that because what happens is they have a fucking blowout fight yes and he like she kind of starts apologizing to him yeah and rather than just saying hey let's get a divorce yeah they say hey could you not wear the black could you not wear the black anymore honey could you do everything I say. But Cabin, in that argument, what starts that argument is he walks to the front door and he's like, I'm just tired of all of this. You know what? Game over. Marriage over. And he starts walking to the door. And then that's when she's like, Mike! No, that's when she's like,

no, wait a minute. And they have this like heart to heart on the stairs where they talk about like they haven't fucked in three years or something like that. And also, could you slouch a little bit when you talk to me? It's like talking to a gosh dargeria. It's like talking to a Godzilla and admittedly at first I found that hot but now at this point oh you think it is like a giant woman situation? Oh it's a little bit

there's a great I was just looking back through some notes here and that little bit Matthew Broderick no dude that guy's got a horse cock Oh right the Banana Republic my apologies. I was just looking back through my notes when they walk in on the fucking I had one legitimate laugh

in this entire movie and it's when they like they start hearing it and Roger Bart has a line where he just goes, is that a DVD? Which I thought was pretty funny. So, like, now she's trying to fit in with the Steppford Wives. They go to some book club. Oh, the Christmas singing?

What the fuck? This movie came out in June. There's a, there's a daggum Christmas scene here. And there's this whole thing where, like, Glenn Close is like, ew, Jewish people. By the way, hi, gay guy. And I'm like, what the fuck are we talking about? Like, you can't have it both ways. I'm sorry. But yeah, like, the idea is like

Christmas is coming. You got to love Christmas, blah, Well, because Nicole Kedman's like, I just read whatever book and it was great. Lyndon Johnson memoirs, by the way. Part three of Lyndon Johnson memoirs. No, you didn't. And second of all, they're not good. What are you talking about? But I think this is also getting at like, oh, suburban white women just fucking love Christmas.

And now that we're like running the show, we can talk about fucking Christmas all the time. Of course they do, man. Have you ever been inside a Christmas tree shop? You ever go to one of those stores? Christmas. 24-7. It's disgusting. Yeah, you don't get those

in metropolitan areas, man. That's a thing built for the suppers. No, they're all over the city in Midtown. Yeah, you'll find one or two. Midtown doesn't count. Whenever the Spirit Halloween stores go out of business when they go up. No, but that's seasonal shit, dude.

I'm talking about year-round, there are stores where you could just go in in the 4th of July and buy fucking... Well, those are usually small-town-y kind of main street. There's always a Christmas tree store or a Christmas candle store. I think there's like four of them our hometown.

But those stores always are packing like, you know, discount Wothers. And like... Discount Wurth they gotta get

Kevin knows where to go to get discount hard candy, man. Don't worry about it. They're like, for the people who are still scared to just like

bring in whatever food you're bringing into the movie theater. Like they buy it first there. Now I want some Wothers originals. I thought you might.

I will go through a bag of Wothers originals. Don't even worry about. I think I've had like two in my life. Really? Oh, dude, if left to my own devices with caramel candies, I'm going to say, my grandparents died when I was very young. So I wasn't, I didn't get the Werther's original. No, no, I'm with Jupin. I'm like 92 years old. I love those things.

Oh, yeah. Do you? Or some cinnamon discs? Oh, yeah. Man, you got, in a few years, you guys would be opening a fucking Christmas shop. No, I think Kevin and I should open a candy store. Dude, that sounds delightful. But no, so it's like, we're going to talk. about this Christmas book or whatever and I was like okay that's dumb but then this scene will be over with oh not so fast said the television because then it's like them they're all lined up in a row and they're singing jingle bells or something yeah well apparently this scene this this this movie like was super contingents everyone is

fighting the entire time they all hated Frank Oz nobody believed in this movie how could you and then he's like all right in the next scene we're all going to do Christmas and somebody's like when the fuck do we get to the robots or Nicole Kinman does that an Australian accent or something. Robits. Or the brain microchips. When do I piss on someone or what? No, it's not great. You know what? It's not great.

It's alright, Steve. The important part is you tried. I didn't see that pissing movie, the paper boy. It's pretty interesting. It goes places. It's not great. No? No. No, but there's pee. So you guys flushed it? You also know it's 2004, by the way,

because immediately after this, they have, have a scene where it's Nicole Kinman, Bet Midler, and Roger Bart, and they're sitting around talking about, like, making an effort to fit in or whatever, and Roger Bart's like, oh, like, we're bonding right here. Well, let me tell you that me and my husband are having problems, blah, blah, blah. And somewhere around here, we insert a Viagra joke. Oh, for sure. Xanax with a Viagra Chaser, some shit like that.

Oh, right, because that's a joke, because he goes, because then you're up and you're up. Yeah. Flush. Well, he's the first one to get step forwarded-a-da-d-did. Yes, it's a great term. He goes to the men's club, and we kind of sort of see it happen. There's a bunch of Scooby-Doo shit in the middle of this movie where Nicole Kidman and Bett Miller,

both in their, one in their 40s, one in well into her late 50s, yeah, tippy towing around a goddamn haunted mansion. Because don't they also, like, climb up the side of it? Because they're, like, in the upstairs. They sneak through a window, and it's like, Like flashlights are around And it's literally To Steve's point

To illustrate it even further It's a long hallway With like nine doors on each side And they're just going back and forth They go in one And then Frankenstein comes out of it And they run Fucking mummies chasing them

And Roger Barkett's A stepford did it And which doesn't make I mean again like Is this movie about like You're trying to make this like Donna Reed stereotype Right like that's the idea But then how does it work with gay couples

because he just turns into like a more of a straight guy. I think that's why they make him so cartoonishly a fete at the beginning of this movie because then when he's Stepford did did he's like, now I'm just a conservative homosexual and I'm running for office. Running for what? Go, it's weird because they say that he's running like for a senatorial seat. State Senate. Oh, is it state senate?

Okay, but he's still just like, Stepford is the future or whatever. And I was like, you're running for larger office than, like, town council. It gives a fuck about Stepford. And you're running for office and you've lived there for, what, two weeks maybe? Like, um, yes. I was going to say that they give him, this whole scenario of him being more straight is like, it's just gay conversion therapy or whatever.

This is like a Mike Pence special. It's a Mike Pence white, wet dream. You go into the barbershop. Oh, yeah, give me the Mike Pence. They give you conversion therapy. It's weird. It's a weird. It's a heavy spice. It's a heavy spice. Which they don't cut back to it all, by the way.

There's nothing more about him running for any kind of office or anything. Because the movie's about women. Because he lost the election. Not about, but it's not about, you know, like, it just, it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit at all. It's a different movie. Like, if it was about gay couples and them being, like, converted, you know, that's a different movie. That's, that's right.

If you want to make, like, you know, get out but gay. Yes. Then do that. Exactly. Right. Gay out. Like, that's the movie. Can you just call it get out but gay? I like that time.

But like it's got no business in here. And it's just such a fucking obvious and shallow move to be like, look, it's fucking Stefford Wives for the 21st century. There's a gay guy. You've got to make that the entire movie and the entire point. That's the movie. Yeah. That is the movie.

He's in the Nicole Kidman role. and it's all about, it's just commentary on gay conversion and how fucking weird that ideology is to put people through that. Exactly, and the shittiness of it. That's a better movie, honestly. It's saying something. This is not. The original did say something.

This is not. Look, and here's the thing. We're not the right people to make this movie. I would never say that. But I'll tell you the movie that's called Get Out But Gay. I think there's also better people that could make that movie. No, that's what I mean. We're not the right people to make it.

I'll sell you the idea. I'll sell them the idea. I need a little something. Get over the title. Finders fee. Yeah, it's a finder's fee. Yeah, I made most of my annual income this year getting a finder's fee for Get Out but Gay.

So, yeah, Roger Bart's robot. And is it through Roger Bart? No, it's when they tell Matthew Broderick eventually, like what the score. war is. And the way they... Oh, this is the weirdest thing in the world. It's so weird. So the way they do it is we're all drinking fucking neat whiskey and smoking cigars. No windows open, by the way. And we got like the game on and whatever. And then they're like, so, you like living in Stefford, bud? Everything going good? Blah, blah, blah. And so then it's... So, Matthew

Broderick, do you like the battlebots we have here? Right. So they've done a little gambling, like, whoever wins this battlebots round, like gets 20 bucks. So walk or somebody's like, hey Greg, don't you owe Matthew Broderick, 20 clams? And he's like, oh, right. Hey, babe, can you come in here? And, like, this woman walks in and he gives this woman his fucking debit card. And he's like, I need it in her mouth. He just gives it to her.

She does all of this. And it's just like, hey, babe, you know my pin number. Can you get me 20 bucks? And she puts it in her mouth and pulls it out. And then there's a bunch of, like, machine noises and 20 single. spits out, to which Matthew Broderick's reaction is nothing. This is when I like shit my pants and run out of this house. And he's his line is, oh,

it's all in singles. I was surprised by the singles as well. That would have been my second question. First, what the fuck? Second singles? Now Matthew Broderick, you know how we just played battlebots? Now, what if I told you you could fuck one of those battlebots? Could I fuck the crusher? You guys know how dirty money is, too? Yes.

Like you're gonna really, you're making a sex bot and you're, you're destroying the mouth with the dirty money? The questions I have about, like, you're telling me these lunatics who do everything for money wouldn't just fucking take access to these robots and pull out all the cash? What's the money coming from? What does that be cash in them? Dude, I would love it if they just got to a scene where it's like that couple at home

and two dudes roll up in an armored car and it's one guy is leaning down opening this woman's stomach and the other dude is standing there with a gun just looking around oh man and then two meth heads tip her over it makes no fucking sense

because that's not even a that's no literally no man's fantasy is I can get money out of my wife's mouth in all right very few men I was gonna say Steve check fortune before you make a statement like that.

But it's just like, what are we talking about? And that's, by the way, that's another point for robots. Yeah. That's a robot thing. That's a robot thing. Steve hasn't checked Reddit R slash money mouters. Oh, boy, she's a money mouther. I want one of those.

It's like an age gap love thing, like the granny shaggers. Oh, the granny shagga. It's a granny shagga. Now you got the money. Money mouther's. That was a George Clooney movie, right? Yes, yeah. Him and Jeff, directed by Jody Foster.

All right, I'm going to get you through this money mouth situation. Just keep him on the air. Who's in the control booth in that? It's not Julia Roberts. It's Julia Roberts. Who's the guy? It's George Clooney. No, no, no, the other guy.

Yeah, the guy trying to tip George Clooney over so that he could get the money out of his mouth. Oh, Jack, whatever, Jack O'Connell or O'Donnell or something like that. So the next kind of thing is, like, we go to Bet Midler's house and Nicole Kimman's like, I don't know about this whole situation. By the way, everyone has kids and it makes, and it's useless. Like, Nicole Kidman has children, they aren't characters, which is fine, but it's also like, they're props. You forget they're even in this movie. They're in like two scenes maybe.

And some point she's like, oh, they're at summer camp. Like, fucking when? But other kids aren't. Like, all, it should be like, oh, they're. down the road. All the kids go to the Steppford Lake summer camp at the same time. And just get those kids out of this movie. Because like Bet Midler and John

Lovitz have like these three like plump little triplets or whatever. It's disgusting. And that's the whole joke with them is that they're just fucking fat. Yeah. Well I was a fat kid at the time too and this rang true because the one fat kid goes, they give him some Star Wars action figures

and he goes, where's Boba Fett? And I was like, holy shit, though. Come on. This is the other thing. Mace window, please. That scene is, it's the badmiddler thing we kind of talked to already. After she gets, like, flipped. Oh, she's, she's also stepped for did-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

And this is when we actually have the deleted scene that we talked about earlier, where she becomes a lawnmower and has What does that look like? Is she just like It's her legs. Her legs turn into like a push mower. Yeah, I was going to say she was like flipped over and she was just eating grass.

She's not a rider. if that's what you're asking. You can't mount her in the yard. She turns into like a Thomas the Tank Engine kind of thing. And John Lovitz is just riding her. And then Dana Luresh or whatever the fuck puts a goddamn clanhood over. Oh, God. I tangentially know what you're talking about.

But it's just another thing from domestic terrorist Dana Lois at the NRA. So the thing is like, you know, Nicole Kimman's like, I think something's going on in this stuff for now. Let me go to my friend, Bet Midler. Uh-oh. It's, she's a robot. and like she her house is clean where it was shown as dirty before and these three fat kids come in and they're like mom mom and she's like oh here you go kids here's your your all these crazy lunches that you wanted and here's your action figures base window and amadal he's like no

boca feds like they were out here's 500 now here's my question is well a you know yeah they're just selling prequels uh action figures in stepford yeah well frank frank cause is like yeah man i get i get little something if I burn this town to the ground. I agree with that. Frank, I just wanted to call and thank you, bud. Saw Stepford Wives. Loved it.

But I also love the fact we're only selling prequels toys. Thanks for supporting the pre- You know, Frank, I'm getting a lot of heat for those movies. Well, you know, Revenge of the Sith's coming out next summer and for some reason a bunch of people years later will say it's good when it's

not. Frank? Frank? a tone, I don't think. Oh, no, Frank Oz never hangs up on George Lucas. Oh, yeah.

Those prequels are rotten with Yoda. He's not all those movies. You don't look at gift tours in the mouth like that, man. He's getting a fucking Christmas card every year. And he doesn't have to put his hand up nothing. It's like, oh, Zigi, love it. He doesn't have to put his ass anywhere either,

except in the fucking recording booth. But, no, so like, the idea is like, she's like such a great mom or like such a subservient mom to her male kids, again, male, female, whatever. But she's giving away this money And I'm like, that's not what a good mother is Even like by like Donna Reed standards

You know what I mean? Like giving away 500 bucks The beef never got 500 bucks Are the kids programming the mom or the dad programming the mom? That was the thing I was like Are the kids in on it or is love it's just like All right boys listen up This is what we can do with your mother now

Is that mouth just printing money man? Well that's the thing I think she's got the bank in her now And she just fucking spit out You money mouthed All right, so you got money mouth. Baby got bank, right? To the tune of that other song. You got that, you got money mouth.

That's, that's, these are all my fetishes. It's a money mouth, lawnmower of feet, beer in her heart. Run me over and spit money on me. Just, just fucking grind my feet into pulp while you spew like fucking cocaine, $20 bills in my face. You know, I didn't want to say it, but, I love sparks coming out of the head. Oh, absolutely. Just gets me going every time, every day.

Yeah, I love reaching into my wife's chest cavity to pull out ice cold shit beer. So, Nicole Kimman finds out about the step for things. This is when she, like, realized all the women were, at one point, high-powered, really smart women. By using the internet. She's doing a bunch of internet searches. And then Matthew Barton's like, all right, we'll leave tomorrow, but go to sleep. first and she goes to bed and she gets kidnapped by all these dudes there's a weird thing like kind of around here i think where he like locks her in the house or whatever yeah where like

she goes to open the door and it's locked and like she doesn't know the code oh there's a weird um there's a weird deleted scene where in god with the deleted scenes it's matthew brought it outside he's having second thoughts he's talking to two of the dudes and he's like is it worth it they're like yeah That's worth it. I will tell you one thing, if you had to, spend the extra money and get the cigarette lighter function. I wish I did too. And I'm like, what the fuck? Nobody's smoking in this movie. Like, you have those cigars, but like the women aren't allowed in the men's club. So what good is the fucking function of the lighter feature? And do I really, do you need? Like, you already got the money, ma'am. You got the lawnmower feed. Do you really need to shoot fire as well? Especially if you're putting your unit near it? First of all, if I'm building a robot person, I don't want a helicopter head. That's like A number one. Oh, of course.

Here's my question, though, because that deleted scene is the only time any of this is mentioned, apparently. They're charging for this? Somebody would have to make money from something, but they're forcing you into this shit. That's the other thing that you want in this movie, too, is like, hey, Matthew Broderick. Here's a picture of Jerry and his family. You know what Jerry's deal was? Jerry said no to us. And we fucking buried him under the lake or something.

You know what I mean? There's something funny to be had there, though, of like, there's a salesman there that, like, tells you what you can get. The features. Oh, yeah, you want the lighter fingers. Traveling salesmen doing this. But they're towards the end of the movie, Christopher Walken, does have a presentation, like a film that he shows. And I think he mentions that Stepford is like the start and then he's going to take it national and then I guess make money off of it. These are like the prototypes.

Yeah, it's even though he's not actually even behind you. It's his first big push. And it's doing very well. I give him that, but... Trust me, I know it sounds like you would lose any and all erections or sexual interaction with a thing that turned into a lawnmower, but trust me, my friend, you will want that. No, no, no, it's not just an expensive fleshlight. It's much more than that.

It's a much more complicated machine. Oh, so is she kidnapped? I thought she just wandered into the men's association's house. Yeah, she probably wants... You're probably right. Because then, like, she walks in and she sees... Well, she does this thing, like, where are my children? I'm like, who were your children?

they left the movie man no because she has the thing earlier in the film her and bet midler when they're upstairs in the clubhouse they see all the paintings of all the husbands and they're all like with the wives and the kids and blah blah blah she walks in and she discovers a painting

of Matthew Broderick the kids and her with the long blonde flowing hair from the cover of the movie right which she has for like four minutes in this film yeah so she goes and like this is the big reveal the dudes all come out like a fucking cult and uh christopher walking plays this video and the fucking 1960s kits you can fucking keep it yeah it's so stupid he also kind of has a like

that hurt john kind of moment because he's supposed to like what is he doing he's like giving a thumbs up to himself in the video yeah it's like he thumbs up to the other guy in the video and like the and the idea is like oh yeah we put your wife in this in this area and then she comes out a different person we don't say robot but we don't not say robot we do He's saying microchip. He's saying microchips. We show brains. Yeah.

Cartoon brains with cartoon microchips being attached to it. And he even says it. He's like, you put the microchips on. That's it. I mean, there's also a weird thing in the video where it's like you put your wife into this like sensory deprivation tank. Female improvement system. Yeah.

He has a whole. You maniac. You made a whole. marketing thing in front of this. He's got this promo video. And the guy is leaving his fucking wife remote out in the living room in case a cop comes in. That's a good point. This was going to be like the inaugural Kickstarter. Didn't really take off yet, but this would

have been the start. But the weird thing is also like so yes, we say it's chips in the brain. But then like there's this robo Nicole Kidman that has shown eyeless and creepy as all hell. Again, somebody spent a lot of money on this thing. $90 million in this movie. It looks pretty good. It's actually a scary part of the movie

because like the eyes open and there's just holes there. Yes. And it's pretty cool. But like what is that? Is that what she's supposed to become? Is that what she's not supposed to become? See, the only good thing in this movie is them doing something from the original movie. Yes.

The eyeless thing is from the original, right? Because I think that was on like the poster or something. Yeah. Well, what we didn't see, of course, and this is very important is that Matthew Broderick went down there with a whole thing of wigs and dresses and stuff. for her to change very quickly while she's down there. Into this exact replica. Well, that's what happens.

There's like a weird platform thing where they kiss each other. She like kind of kisses them goodbye. She's like, I will do this for you to keep the marriage together or something. Right. And they go down and we cut to like two days later. And she's in a grocery store. Yes.

Shopping for fucking alphabets, by the way. Here's an idea. Don't eat alphabets because they're fucking disgusting. No, get out of here. You know what? Why don't I just cut open a corrugated cardboard box and put it in milk for you? Dude, alphabets are delicious. Alphabets are fucking disgusting.

They're just like frosted Cheerios. Are you talking about the English language? What's going on here? Alphabets. The cereal. The what? It was just like little wheat cereal shaped like letters. And they were frosted?

It's delicious. I have never eaten an alphabet. Oh, get on alphabets. Steve, I can't believe this. I'm anti-alphabit. You know what I like Alpin? What? I like Alpin.

What is that? Isn't that like a granola type thing? Yeah, it's got like little oats. It's got some little dried fruit. I took you for a grape nuts, man. I was a big grape nuts. What a bag of sand. I was a huge grape nuts fan.

Let me tell you, these fucking all natural and organic cereals where we're just dumping trail mix in a box and calling it cereal, thanks but no thanks. It's really good, though. I hear what you say, but it's really good. It's fucking disgusting trail mixes. cereal i don't think i lost i lost the threat i apologize well okay so you were saying that you dislike this cereal you know what i hate is that god damn what's that frog golden smacks oh honey smacks that's too sweet shoot it to the moon it's not even sweet it tastes like shit like shit in the box are also great no that's is golden crisp because they're just the same

series oh that's the answer see now that i understand your flavor profile i will take steve's side alphabits are clearly wrong with the golden crisp one word the bear that punched. I don't know if he was hitting things. Can't get enough of that, Golden, because he had a cool blue t-shirt on it. That dude was like fucking abducting children with that fucking cadence.

That guy, that guy was awesome, dude. He was just high as a kite eating cereal all the time. Yeah, I don't know. Look at one cartoon of that golden crisp fucking bear. He's high as a kite. Hey, there, kids, you want some cereal? I can't go near a school.

All right, where do we stand on frosted flakes and cinnamon toast crunch? Both delicious. I was trying to find some common ground and I think we've established. They're both delicious. Frosted flakes, yes, cinnamon toast crunch, no. Jesus Christ, Steve. It's fine for the first two bites, but then it's like soft, nothing. Oh, I love when it's soft.

Then you can get more on the spoon. You know what? I do think it should be a little harder. So I understand your point. Honeynut Cheerios, man. That's fine. that is a classic. I think that's the universal. Chris, do we agree? Yes. All right. Just to stop this. I think we're done here.

Yes, I will recommend. What would we just say? Honeynut Cheerios. Yes. Also, I like Apple Jacks. Oh, yeah. Apple Dax are fine. Applesles are pretty good. Oh, yeah. We got another one. We hate movies breakfast party. So, um. A. B, dude. All right. A.B. That's for the, uh, sleep over later. Yeah, we're not talking about the movie anymore, Steve. We're talking about cereals. We go to some. Welcome back. Back to Crunchcast. Yeah, dude. Oh, I'll do the crunch cast with you, gentlemen, any old day of the week.

I love the idea of the sleepover. It's not going to happen, but it should happen soon. It'll never happen. No. So we cut to this big party. Right. And like the brainwash Nicole Kidman is there. It's like a coming out ball.

Yes. And like now everyone's in the fold. So everyone's kind of a bit more brazen about everything. And Matthew Broderick, who's the hero of this movie all of a sudden? goes down while Nicole Kidman distracts just for walking and like starts doing something with pressing the wrong button He's just mashing buttons on a touchscreen That's all he's doing

And like all of a sudden all these women like There's some blue shit that happens on them And they're like say this is a bunch of horse malarkey As opposed to either A being robots or B being like I don't know like fucking what the fuck And like literally trying to cut somebody's head off Roger Bart has like the strongest reaction. He just goes, what am I wearing?

Yes, exactly. And actually one of the deleted scenes actually shows one of, I think it's Faith Hill, Faith Ford. Faith Hill. Like with a robot hand choking her husband. But they cut that, I think, because they didn't know what this movie was. Because Christopher Walken's fucking Jurassic Park video is just talking about microchips. And also, wouldn't they just be brain dead? You put these fucking microchips in there.

their brain and now they've gone. It's not like he's an accomplished. He's just a dude. He's just a dude of Connecticut. It's a mad scientist. They should all just be, all these women should just be drooling sitting in the corner. I want to see the fuck up ones, right?

Yeah. Like that's at the, like the Steppford like mental health hospital or whatever. It's just like women with huge fucking grody scars on their heads. Yeah, dude, it's Dahmertown. Totally. He's got them all in like big back the tanks. Just drop it.

LSD on brains, dude. So, Christopher, I was like, oh, no, I've been found out, you've ruined it. And then, like, somehow he is revealed to be a robot, I guess. Someone hits him in the head with a pipe or something. Oh, that's right. No, shovel or something? That's right. He's going to hit Matthew Broadwick with something.

And then Nicole Kimman knocks his head off with a fucking, like, with a pipe. Something, yeah. And then, like, Glenn Close comes out. She's like, no, it was me the whole time. and, like, I guess I caught my husband cheating on me and I went crazy. During this scene, I immediately checked IMDB trivia because I was certain something would be there

and it wasn't, because we do have a shot of Christopher Walk and standing there without a head. I was waiting for that. Hmm, you know, he was also at the headless horseman. Oh, yes, you're totally right. I was shocked. I was shocked it wasn't there. That's a fun trivia fact.

There is a bad trivia. Trivia fact about, it's, what you mean? It's Matthew Broderick in the fight scene with Nicole Kinney. He's like, that's it. Game over. Marriage over. And it's like, this is obviously a reference to the movie war games. Like, no, it's not. And shut the fuck up.

I am theater trivia. What a reference to war games? That is dumb. That's even worse than the Sleepy Hollow connection. That person should be banned from the IMDB. Not enough bannings, man. So Glenn Close is like, yeah, yeah, something, something my husband was cheating on me. All I envisioned.

She says, quote, a world of romance and beauty. And I guess she was like, she says that she was, like all the other women in this town. She was a big success. She was the most successful brain surgeon in the world. And then she kisses Christopher Walken's robot head. And much like his character, Max Schreck, is electrocuted to death. Oh, nice. Yeah, another.

Trivia facts. It's a fun trivia. Oh, trivia facts. I just love movie trivia. See, I want every time I read that for one of those facts, I want that to act. Trivia! And, like, that's kind of... And then we cut to, of course,

because you could not keep him out of a movie. You could not keep him out. Larry fucking King. Six months later, her, Nicole Kidman, Midler, and Roger Bart are on Larry King Live. Who would, by the way, 110% get a sex robot? He absolutely would. He would be totally...

He'd be way into this idea. How young you got him. all right i guess that'll do my sex robot ain't been born yet uh oh but so then it's like so Nicole Kimman has produced like an award-winning hard-hitting documentary for television about this i am here with the justice league no wait what who's it the ninja no uh clover field oh no the stepford wives everyone remember when i spoke with the ghost busters that is my supreme movie Camio. I am here with Daffy Duck. Now

Daffy, have you tried my bagel shop open on Fairfax? Now, you know, we get the water from Brooklyn. I am talking to Wayne and Garth. Roger Rabbit. Have you ever actually had a shave and a haircut?

And did you, sir, actually pay two bits for it? All right, exploding fat lady head from total recall. Hello, ma'am. Sitting back in the chair with me again for the next hour, Flubber. Just Flubber.

Not the scientist who made Flubber, just Flubber. My guest tonight is whatever Slither is. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm sure I'm in it. Yeah, but no, he's like, yeah. It's like, oh, you wrote, you know, you wrote, what does she, no, she made it a movie. And then Slyther, Dance the Night Away. Oh, was that Casey Kays? Ghostbusters dance the night away with a bunch of models in Times Square.

Happy New Year. They also caught the soul of a dog named Snuggles. No, Nicole Kidman made a documentary about the situation and an expose. A, a Haraldo. in the 80s-esque expose. It's like, speaking of Wayne and Garth, somebody hit super happy ending because everybody wins.

Exactly. Bet Midler has written a series of books that have been quite successful. And then Roger Bart and his husband are doing something with it. He won the senatorial seat, apparently. Oh, did he self? Yes.

Oh, I miss that. And it's like, who, I mean, and they're like, he's going to be the next president. Wink-to-wink, wink, wink, who cares? Right. But, like, it should be a dark satire. somebody should be dead. Someone should kill Lovitz.

Who fucking cares? Or just end it with, I mean, if this expose is actually out there and people have seen it, all these motherfuckers are in jail. Exactly. All of the husbands are going to jail totally. Instead of that, what do we have, what are they doing instead, Eric? We should get a tactical nuclear strike. That's also a very good idea. Just like AVP wreck, right?

They should just bomb this town. I'm here with the predator gang. Oh, I got a correction. from the home office, I'm talking to the predalian. Predator. Oh, I'm sorry. Wolf. May I ask you, what the

fuck is that blue stuff? I hate it. Love it at the same time. Well, the blue, I use it to cover up crime scenes. And yes, thank you, Larry, for calling me Wolf, because I want what you want, civilization. I'm here talking with

gremlins. Several gramlins. What's this little furry one? Is that a gr? Oh, it's got to eat first. Well, you know there's a bagel shop on Fairfax. I'm here talking with a CGI representation of We at Al parodying the Money for Nothing video in UHF.

I'm here tonight with the CGI Mama Duke. Oh, man. Tonight I am joined. with Karen Carpenter well the Barbie doll version of Karen Carpenter from the the Todd Haynes movie Karen Carpenter's story

excellent so what do you think of the Dodgers this scene? But yes the last scene is all of the men not Broadway because he's a beautiful baby angel man but it's Lovett and all these other dudes like in the grocery store trying to get like groceries

together and like if I don't get this, she'll kill me. And then I think it's Nicole Kinman's voice comes with a loudspeaker. It's like, no talking, just shopping. Oh, is it her voice? Or it's some but ladies' voice. And it's like, what are we talking about? Dude, the last shot of this movie

is like a security camera angle of a grocery store. Yeah. Fuck you, everybody. Come on. I can't believe how much of a disaster this was. It's, outrageous that this was

like just you know what admit defeat and fucking file it away shelve it just never release it if only there was Netflix in 2004 right I mean they would they would they were DVDs I guess but if only they were streaming start to finish just off horrible and it's like

there are so many ways to update the concept of that movie wasting a great cast wasting a great concept you can update that concept for 2004 in some way if anybody thought about it for two little minutes We're in the fucking heaps of the one of the worst presidencies of all time. Like maybe make it a little bit political.

Maybe we get some Bush stuff in there. Maybe. I mean, do, how about anything? How about anything? It would be great. And figure out, first and foremost, if it's a robot or if it's microchips. So I'm guessing you're not recommending this film. No.

I would not. It's really dreadful. It's a real dreadful watch. It's possibly the most painful 96 minute. Like, I thought that was going to be. the blessing here is that I was going to be in and out of this thing. It feels longer. It felt so fucking long. No,

don't watch it. Yeah, I'm also a no. I mean, see this 75 film if you want to, but it's also a little long, but it's better. It does the concept right. It's so funny though, because like the one thing I will give this movie, I didn't think it felt long because like, I saw this in the theaters

and I didn't remember a thing about it, but when it was like clearly wrapping up, I was just like, oh. Yeah. Oh, thank God. It makes no sense. to be wrapping up right now, but I'll take it. I was doing this last night, and I was pausing to do laundry, and I was, like, so excited to pause to do laundry.

Oh, dude, when you were excited for a pause, yeah. You weren't letting all hang out? I would just let the baby ride. You know what? Don't pause it. That is the Stepford Wives from 2004, directed by Frank Oz. If you want more

we hate movies, check us out on the Headgum Network or find us over on whmpodcast.com. And of course, for bonus content, patreon.com slash we hate movies. Rate review, wherever you get us, we would greatly appreciate that. Now, Steve Sainak, as always, the program

runs on. Next week, what do we got going on? Well, we are in the spooktacular, ladies and gentlemen. It's finally upon us. Oh, shit. It is finally upon us. So many people already super psyched, by the way, which I'm loving the enthusiasm for the 2018 spooktacular. I would say turn

it down on it. And we are going to do Hellraiser 3 Oh Finally So this is a Chris Cabin pick Oh God I'm excited

I've never seen I've only seen Hellraiser 1 And the Lance Hendrickson Video game one Yeah With Henry Cavill Yeah yeah yeah

Which is a stay tuned And I have But I'm excited to start A little early here Start a little early I am not excited for this at all You shouldn't be Yeah

I don't remember which one Is this the one where it's like Three different time periods Is this bloodline? No that's bloodline That's the later one This one is hell on earth and the CD Massacre that we'll talk about.

Oh, I'm excited about that. Is this the one where the dude from baby cakes is like a private detective? Or like a scuzzy cop or something? I guess so. I think so. Oh, well, I guess we'll find out next week when the spooktacular kicks off with Hellraiser 3. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sexpot. Chris Kavana.

Eric Siska. I'll just say that. 100% family-friendly comedian. Yeah, there you go. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.