We Hate Movies - S9 Ep382: Episode 382 - Man's Best Friend

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

On this week's episode, the 2018 Halloween Spooktacular continues as the gang tackles a horror film so bad, they pretended it was intentionally a horror comedy, Man's Best Friend! What's with Lance Henriksen's baggy denim ensemble? Why are those two security guards so scuzzy? And why did the dog need to pee acid? PLUS: Andre the Giant needs some wine after that salacious Hulk Hogan comment! Man's Best Friend stars Ally Sheedy, Lance Henriksen, Robert Costanzo, Fredric Lehne, John Cassini, J.D. Daniels, and William Sanderson; directed by John Lafia. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, the 2018 Halloween Spectacular. Well, it just continues on. We're talking about a movie where a dog might also be a chameleon. It's man's best friend. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska.

And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one, good scare. Sometimes, dead is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in.

It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. More creators!

What's the fucking lotion in the back? What an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello everyone. Welcome to another exciting spine tingling edition of the Sputacular. My spine feels fine. Oh, well, I guess I'm having a stroke. The film in question, Man's Best Friend from 1993, directed by John Lafia. Another toast-burning adventure here.

another arm slouching tale of the macabre. That's awful. People are dying. Yes. And you know, that's what's great about October. Well, you know,

we celebrate death. But death is around us at all times. Yeah, that's right. Every day is Halloween. Exactly. Every day is the day of the dead. Yeah.

Hang out outside in ER. Is that what you're doing? On your lunch breaks? Is this how I get my jollies off? Well, just in October. It's extra spooked. Okay.

Steve Sadek, what's this movie about? It's about man's best friend, which is dogs, but actually this dog is no man's best friend because he's a killer genetically engineered dog that likes to kill people. Ali Sheedy winds up getting him, and Lance Henriksen is the mad scientist. That's right. And, you know, I had seen this once before. By the way, not much more story than that. That's literally what I just said.

pretty much the whole movie. That's the thing, because folks at home, I can see some of you being like, wow, Steve, thanks for the paper thin explanation. But he's not far off. All he's missing is like one of the kids from the mighty ducks. Yeah, a lesser duck.

Yeah, definitely one of the lesser ducks. Children of a lesser duck. I think the man's best friend, you might think, is relating to the dog. But I think it's actually mad science. Oh. What has man been doing more than dogs lately? mad science.

That's actually true, dude. And think about mad science all down through the ages. Exactly. Frankenstein. He just tried to be man's best friend. He didn't mean to drown that girl. Everybody did it, didn't he?

Yeah. It's actually Frankenstein's dog. Oh, bad Frankenstein. That's Frankenweeny. That's Frankenweedy. But it's funny because I saw this once before, and I totally was remembering it, Like, as Steve mentioned, it's like, it's genetics and whatnot.

I was remembering it. Did anybody else remember it as like robotic? Yes. Okay. Yeah. But that's the fault. The poster is a robot dog. Yes.

Oh, is that, is that? It's a Terminator dog with a red eye. Oh, you're right. Oh, and instead he's just blind in that eye. Oh. Man, I hate that fucking phony posters like that and bogus trailers. I prefer that a hundred times to something like stuff or wise where they don't understand it in the movie. If you're going to separate it like this, that's fine.

Some idiot marketing intern fucked it up. I mean, that's one thing. But you're right. The movie does know the entire time that it's genetics. Because what are you going to do? Put like a DNA strand over the fucking dog. That's very true. This is trying to entice you to renting it.

You know, it's like the rental thirst or whatever, right? They want to spice it up. This is back in the glory days of VHS of the, you know, it's all box art. I am so baffled by Amazon cover art at this point. Like, it just gets, like, some of these covers, it's just like, hey, this is Chris Evans. It's Captain America. Well, that's what I was, Captain America. It's like a picture of him standing there.

Yeah, exactly. But that's what I was getting at, too, last week when I was complaining about their shitty Hellraiser trailers. It's the same thing. It's like, that's not a poster, and that's not a trailer, friend. I mean, fuck you, Jeff Bezos, you cajillionaire. How about some actual post? poster art, you fucking cheap skate. Give me a JPEG.

Pay for a JPEG. Oh man, imagine if they made a new policy that every poster was like a gif, like a fun gift. I would actually accept that. If they turn to all the posters are art into fun gifts. Yeah, and if you don't have a poster for it, you just do like that under construction gif from like Angel Fire Geo City's days.

Or one of my personal faves, that dude slowly rocking out and bringing the pistol to his head. Yes, yes. This movie has my favorite gif, and we'll get there. There's a lot of giftastic material in this movie, but be sure to point it out we get to it. Didn't they use the guy with the gun going up to his head in that, the Venom poster?

I fucking wish, dude. Right away, the opening seconds of this movie are kind of my favorite part of this movie, because the opening credits are like, it's like sketches or like, drawings, like collar drawings of dogs through time, but they're all like doing a Ken Burns zoom in over

music, and it just looks like the opening of cheers. It's so great. You texted me this, and since then, I haven't been able to, like, not think of dog cheers. Oh, dog. All right, so let's go through it. So you've got, you've got Sam Malone, he's probably some sort of

scrappy mutts. Sam Mabone. Sam, oh, dude, that sounds too boring. Well, no, it fits because Sam Malone fucks, too. Listen, it's dog cheers, and it's also dog porn. Yes, also, you can

mix it if you like. All right, so. Norm, is clearly a bulldog. Yeah, oh yeah, you got to go there. John Ratsenberger, maybe a Sharpay. Oh, that would work. Those are the wrinkly guys, right? Or which ones? No, no. What are the dogs that are secretly conservative?

Is that John Rats is Frasier? Oh, yeah. Ria Perlman's like a little poodle. Yes, oh, of course. What would Frasier be? Because I was going to say, poodle for him, but there's got to be some middle ground here. Maybe he's like a corgi. You know what I mean?

Kind of something a little bit more dignified but also ridiculous looking. Something you could fit in an anti-shea case. Yes. He's got to be a dog with class. Uh-huh. And you've got a... Woody's clearly a golden retriever. That's that. Oh, absolutely. Uh, coach. What's a dead dog

look like? I was going to say a stupid dog. A dead stupid dog. Oh, my God. Check any of the freeways in America. That sounds like a bloodhound to me. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah. Coach would be a bloodhound. That's nice. Lilith is a cat. Lilith would be a black cat on dog cheers.

How's life going for you, Norm? It's just hump in my leg every day. So instead of beer, what is being served? Hard liquor. I mean, it'd just be like water. Toilet water. Yeah, there it is. Fucking the good stuff.

And the little bowls of like kibble on the thing, like pretzels. Also in this, now in Cheers, I haven't watched much of it, but I imagine... My wife and I are going through it right now. I imagine at some point a dog exists in the world of that show. Sure. Yeah. You know, maybe someone brings it a dog to the bar, whatever. Sure.

You figure it out. You're watching it. That dog in Dog Cheers is played by naked human on all four. Oh, shit. That sounds like Paul Giamati to me right there. Oh, boy, PG, your big break on 80s sitcom Dog Cheers. Sir, can I go for a walk now? But yeah, this montage, it does start like it's very much like, you know,

bucolic, wonderful dogs. And then it's like, it gets more dark, like, da, dud, dud, dud, dud. And you see all these dogs. There's a dog like with a knife and fork eating somebody or something. But like, is it? Is it? The song sounds like a fucking Randy Newman. number's about to

fucking break out like any minute now and I'm like my dogs they're going for a walk it's Randy

Newman time yeah it's not like some restrained this dog is going to murder everybody it's like bab bad

da da bab and then it just repeats that nonstop till you want to murder in dogs

bach man out hearing my dog I feel safest of all I love my dog Yeah, that's the one. You're thinking of Gary Doobin.

Yeah, that's true, actually. But, Cabin, to your point about the music, though, the music is wholly inappropriate the entire time. This dog's like biting balls and it's like doop da-da-d-de-lid-le-beep. This movie is billed,

at least on IMDB now, is a horror comedy. Is it a comedy? I think this movie was playing it straight the whole time. Yeah, I noticed that, too. I was like, nice try. Nice try, indeed, IMD.

This is a failed, like, horror, maybe slash sci-fi, but they are playing it straight the entire time. Absolutely. We open on this research facility. There's this woman who calls up Ali Sheedy, who's the star of the film, and she's like, hey, you know, if you want a tour of this secret crappy research facility, tonight's tonight, you got to get over here. 500 bucks. 500 bucks. Risking her job for $500. It's not a bad move. I mean, in today's money, that's like $7,000. Yeah, what's $500 in 1993 money? I mean, but how much are they paying you at EMAX, the secret fucking mad science laboratory?

It's your science research work, but then it's also the hush money. Well, yeah. Right. Like, if you know, if I'm injecting dogs, kids, whatever, whatever you want to inject, I better be getting paid for that. Like, prayed well, right? And they probably has some sort of medical background in some way. You know, I feel like they're praying on the desperate rather than shilling out the money.

So Craigslist? Yeah. No, so it's like, oh yeah, you show up to like give blood or like, I'll do medical testing. Like, oh, no, no, no, it's not on you. It's on dogs. By the way, here's a syringe. Here's a coat. Yeah, we are, okay, so what we're doing, once you inject them, prop them on these chairs.

We're making dog cheers. It's the pilot. It's a pilot episode, very hush, hush. It takes us six months to film any episode. Now, listen, if they won't drink the beer, put these cards in front of them. and we're going to do a live-action dogs playing poker. Yeah, hi, John Tesh. Yeah, $500 to get the exclusive on dog cheers.

That's what we should mention is Ali Shidi is like an investigative reporter. Yes, and it's actually very similar to Hellraiser 3 Hell on Earth where Terry Farrell is trying to be like, try to break in. You know, Ali Shidi's like, oh, I'll never be able to do the stuff that I really want to do, which is like dog journalism, it seems.

I think this is not a spookacular. This is a reporter to acular. Reporter. Journalitacular. Oh, dude, next week, shattered glass, I'm super excited about it. Oh, God. I was so uncomfortable watching that movie.

I love that movie. But it's just, it's one of those, I just, very similarly, I just saw the new Melissa McCarthy movie. Oh, no. Will you ever forgive me? And like, it's that same thing where it's like someone's lying the whole time

and you just know they're going down. So, so wait, should we tell that everybody that our new Patreon episode is going to be on broadcast news? so get right for that No, that's fake news No, it's Van Helsing

But I thank you for mentioning it Because patreon.com slash we hate movies We'll have that exclusive episode Is it Van Helsing or is a dog Van Helsing? I don't have it in front of it We'll decide when we get there, I think And that is, by the way, an attempt at a horror comic Yeah, yes

That is what that is. Are there nocturnal dogs? Like, is there a dog that's only awake at night? Probably not, right? No, that's a dog, no. Because I'm just thinking about Dracula now. Dracula had a dog, dude. He had some hellhounds.

Oh, really? Okay, good for you. Yeah, they may be stayed up all night. I don't know. Yeah, Molly and Polly. So, Ali Sheedy makes a date with the scientist. She's like, all right, I will come to the Northgate at 8 p.m. or whatever it is. The woman's like, don't be late, blah, blah, blah.

So Ali Sheedy ropes in her camera person. They're going to go do this. And in the meantime, this woman is hilariously mauled by an off-screen presence. and it's like, hey, movie, I saw that terrible fucking VHS box cover. I know that it was this killer dog. Yeah, what do we? That did the deed, man. This robot dog did it.

I know it. She gets torn asunder in this movie, though. I wanted a little more in the Gore department here. There's just a bunch of, like, we're throwing paint at the ceiling. I remembered this as a heavier body count overall, honestly, from the first time I saw. I don't mind the body count. I just, we cut too soon every single time. You're totally right.

Because they don't know how to film it. They're like, okay, well, it's a dog thing. but we can't actually have a dog eat this woman. It's a hard art. I want to see it. Did the dog eat her or did Lance Hendrickson come down there with a mop? Oh, I need to know what is going on there. Yeah, Henrickson was on the cleanup crew.

So Lance Henrickson plays like the scientist who's behind all the madness. By the way, this is the exact same plot of Beethoven. Like literally. This is exactly the plot of Beethoven. Yeah, you're totally right. Only with 100% less David. the Duke Covenant. Well, okay, you just spoiled

the fucking Charles Groton reveal at the end. The Beethoven Cinematic Universe. That'd be awesome if he was like, Beethoven. Oh, I'm in the wrong

facility. I'm totally sorry. Beethoven, you can't eat my boss, okay? So, Sheedy gets there with the camera person

and clearly this woman isn't showing up to let them in because she's been murdered. Yep. So they do the classic, I'm a hard-hitting journalist.

Let's sneak into this facility. Oh, and here's where it happens, man. Here's where the other movie I wanted started. Were you guys paying attention to the two scumbags who are rolling back? Did you get some of this dialogue? So there's two scumbags that are like rolling, that work in the facility. They're like all the dead bodies. Well, there's a one guy's a security guard. And I think the other one's like, a general. Yeah. And they're having this conversation where he's, He's like, hey, man, you're going to set me up with your wife's sister? What?

What in the world? And the guy's like, I don't know, man. She's 17. He's like, yeah, you should do it tomorrow. You should do it to me. I'm free every night this weekend. What the fuck? And this thing goes on, by the way.

He's fucking rat-a-tat with these dead monkeys that he's hauling around later. He's got a laundry card full of dead monkeys. It's a living, Chuck. He's taunting the monkeys. The monkeys that are about to be. He fucking exterminated. He's like, end of the line for you,

little buddy, huh? We just finished filming Project X. That goes there. Now we're filming Man Best Friend, which goes here.

Oh, man, Project X, not a dry eye in the house. Hey, Luigi, put up some coal in the oven, will you? We got a bunch of them. We're making monkey pizza,

Luigi. Oh, man. Would you try that, man? Oh, absolutely. Right? I mean, just... I would not eat a monkey, man.

Just one slice. Is that you ever thought of pizza, I can handle it. Like, and it's like, when monkey's on a pizza, you can have monkey anytime. It's, here's the thing. It's like, I would not go to a place. If Eric was like, yo, dude, come in my house, I'm going to have some monkey pizza. I was like, absolutely not.

You fucking sick weirdo. But if it's there. But if I'm at Eric's house for another reason, and Eric's like, yo, dude, I got monkey pizza. The monkey's dead. You can't help the monkey. There's no going back for the monkey. It's already on the pizza. All right, I guess if I got fucking ambushed with monkey pizza, I'd eat it.

But I would not. order it off a menu. Exactly. That would be a moral answer. You have to trick me. Like, it has to be ground up so I think it's like ground beam or something. You're enjoying that piece. Dude, that is one of the biggest fucking cockhead moves

of all time. The old, did you like that? My dad did that with me once with like venison. Oh, really? Did you like that steak? Did you like it? And I was like, yeah. Well, do you know what it was? And I was like, oh, fuck me dead.

What did I just eat? It was a monkey pizza. It was this whole flashed before my eyes of like, who is my father? Did I just eat a person? You can't be like, do you want to know what's in it? Because my head goes to humans every time. Well, leather. What did you think?

Well, we won't be visiting Aunt Becky anytime soon. How about that? How about that, young son of mine? Venison is good, though, right? Oh, I love it. Now we're just way off to the races. But one Christmas. One magic Christmas.

Oh, nice. My dad. Drove a car off her bridge. with you in it, just like that movie. Yeah, it fed you beetles. No, he... Eat your beetles. No.

What he did was we all sit around. My parents got divorced, so he made us dinner. Christmas dinner. He made a Christmas ham. It was delicious. We're all eating this Christmas ham. Pause. Uh-huh.

For the listeners at home. I've known Steve Saneck since the year 2002. This is one of my top three Steve Sadek favorite stories. Oh, okay. Ooh, ooh, now now the pressure's on. And by the way, So this is fucking hilarious, so please just continue. I forget where this is going or I never heard it, so please.

So it's a nice Christmas ham. It's like one of the first one to three Christmases we had when they got divorced. So it's like a really important Christmas ham. Everybody's trying. Everybody's trying their best here. And we're eating ham. And he just goes, well, hey, do you guys know what's in this ham? And I'm like, and like, I was just like, I basted it with Pepsi.

And the second said Pepsi. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I don't know what. And I was a boy that liked a soda. But for some reason, it tasted. Again, it tasted fine. And I subsequently found out that that's not that uncommon of a thing. You can't spring a Pepsi glaze on somebody, brother.

Yeah, and that was it, man. I prepared it while I bathed. Yes, exactly. It's the equivalent of I prepared this while I bathed. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, it kind of ruined Christmas a little bit. Just a little bit ruined Christmas. So she's snooping around this facility

Allie Shidi is with this camera person We see all these animals We do see speaking of monkeys My favorite effect in this movie Yes this is pretty great It's a monkey But it's wearing a hat That makes it look like its braid is exposed

Yes It's so great And my thought was like Well how long could this monkey Possibly be alive Like you can't just be wearing This fucking brain hat The fucking one of the monkeys

Has the label Where you would put the name of the pet Yes. Is Garner? Yes. Yep. And Ali Shitty uses that she's like, get a shot of this. This is like their attitude toward all of these animals and whatnot.

So while this is happening, Lance Henriksen pulls in. And I got to tell you, Lance Henriksen, usually, you know, not usually, but sometimes has known to have been heroes in horror movies and whatnot. Pumpkin Head, he's kind of right there. Absolutely. In this movie, right away, I was like, this guy's a dickhead. he pulls up in his station wagon parks across three parking spaces

right in the front probably handicapped parking spaces what an asshole well his character near dark did that too I'm pretty sure he was a vampire so he could do it but he's saying Lance Hendrickson that's how he drives

he's just a pig parker oh a pig parker I think in every episode Millennium too he's just doing it Frank Blackman oh god yeah dude but so we can get to the Lance Henderson look in this movie. He looks like Colonel Gile if he was

on methadone, basically. He's got this bleach blonde hair. This jacket dude is seven times too big. It's an entire baggy denim outfit. It's like Andre the Giant's old jacket that he got from an estate sale. Yeah, I bought this at a VFW

hall. It used to belong to Andre the Giant. Lance Hendrickson, I'll give you my jacket. Thank you, Lance Henriksen. Here's my jacket. You can wear it. Wow. Also, the jeans are fucking... Dude, he's got this baggy denim

go, these baggy denim jeans. He looks like a fucking member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Like, he looks ridiculous in this ghetto. Lance, you should have seen Wallace Sean wear that jacket. It looked much sillier on him, Lance.

Thoughts me, you can wear it. I wrap him like a baby in it. I swaddled Danny DeVito in it. I was wearing this jacket the first time. I heard Hulk Hogan use the N-word. So it is very special. I was like, Terry, I am shocked,

and then I wet and drank all the wine. I was so distressed. I had 24 glass of wine. I cannot believe Hawken are racist. It's fucking ridiculously criminal that that man is in the ground and Hulk Hogan's running no less than four surf shops as we speak.

But that's how biology works. Yes, the kind-hearted gentle giants die early and the racists fucking live on forever. This is why we need mad science. You're right. You're totally right. Someone get a shovel. Oh, my God.

I mean, like, once what we, because we're getting closer to like, you know, obviously, CG technology of like actors' likeness doesn't even matter anymore. Right. I want a Frankenstein movie with Andre the Giant. Like, you actually. reanimate. I mean, CGI for him, but like, you know, no, I want someone to dig up Andre the giant and try to reanimate that corpse

for a motion picture. Do both. Get the, get the skeleton out and put the mocap dots on it. Dude, that is a making of featurette. I would gladly indulge. So, while they're there, they discover Max the dog

and Ali Sheet opens the cage. It's like, oh, this is horrible. Look at all the scars. This dog has. There's some sort of like device around him that I guess is like keeping him cool like a chill like they don't really I don't know they don't explain what this is but it looks like a bomb vest or something

it does he should be fucking you know running into a marketplace with this thing that's horrible but it's true it looks like a fucking suicide vest Battle of Algiers but with dogs oh fuck absolutely search the dog search the dog search the dog

you know they showed this at the Pentagon before the dog Wars. So then, like, Henriksen comes in, it's like, oh, no, you let Max out. Max getting your crate, blah, blah, blah. This dog is, you can tell right away, it's like super smart. It purposely knocks down a bunch of barrels, like down a staircase to stop him. Like, he's playing Donkey Kong.

Oh, no, he's a genius. It's a Tibetan Mastiff. I wanted to just get that out of the way. Oh, Tibetan Mastiff is the breed of dog. Yes, huge fucking dog. Jesus Christ. And its brain does, they do, like, show a graph of like, oh, there's brain is he's super smart because he you know he can he can operate without an owner or whatever yeah yeah

he doesn't need like a human brain in this dog yes he says something like the dog understands upwards of 350 sentences wow in like different languages too like commands well somebody makes some comment like in english or spanish yeah it's 1993 maybe that's why it was a horror comedy uh hilarious Spanish Yes, hilarious Espanual jokes. What? That's not a language. Speaking of,

so they escape with this dog and Lance Sandrickson's shaking his bony fist. On top of hilariously throwing a backpack and disgust. Oh, that's what it was. I had a note. He chucks this backpack angrily. It's awesome. I had a note in my notes like,

LOL at backpack. I'm like, what the hell was that? So they go to a grocery store to get dog food. and of course it's that in 1993 we need a Latino rapist slash mugger right there

that shows up he's the same guy from Jurassic Park and gets stomped by a dinosaur no it's that guy this guy has been in everything he's a big stuntman oh interesting

actually a great career he's got he's an LA confidential and he starts the riot because he tells Russell Crow no fuck your mother which is really wow this guy has had a story career

So he was the original crow yeller. He was the first crow yell. Hey, he didn't do nothing. Yes. Beautiful scene. So the dog, Max gets very upset about this guy is messing with Ali Shidi who's attached to. And the guy runs off of their purse. And then Max chases after him.

We don't see it, which I kind of guess we're doing that thing of like, what's going on with this dog. But I mean, I know what's going on with this dog. I want to see the fucking dog rip this guy. head off. I saw that box cover. I know what this movie is. I signed up for an enhanced dog movie. Because he just runs away a minute past and he comes back with the purse and it's like, oh, Max, you saved us or whatever. It should be, here's what it should be though, because we're told this is a horror comedy. He should have the dude's forearm in his mouth and the hand is still clutching the purse. Like that's the move. I was really just expecting a pan to like

blood dripping or something like this ends up being a huge reveal later and I'm like oh my god the fuck cares yeah and all we all knew what happened to the mugger they should show it because this is where you're establishing the horror of the hound exactly you know they it should be gruesome better better movie title by the way the horror of the hound yeah I like that that's episode two of dog cheers uh it's a Halloween special they uh frank and weeny comes to town. Oh, you get guest star on dog cheers.

Totally. I mean, here's the thing. Spuds McKenzie would be there all the time. Oh, yeah. He's got a problem.

Yeah, he's the sad drunk. Doing dog coke in the bathroom. Oh, Lord. What is dog coke? I know what Coke is. Yeah.

Excuse me. I know what Coke is. Yeah. What is dog Coke? It's just cocaine. I would wager it's also just cocaine. So would Eddie be in for Frasier? Oh.

Oh, that's an interesting choice. I was turned into a dog and I looked like my dumb dad's dumb dog. That is a great idea, actually. Yeah. And then when Fraser's soul leaves the dog goes back to the father. Oh. Yeah. Or maybe the father.

What was the actor's name again? He passed away recently. John Mahoney. Yes. Yes. Now, what if he was stripped naked and walking around? He was on all fours as the human dog in dog cheers? I would like that.

Him now? Talking about reanimation. Him now. Andrew the Giant now. Get them all in there. Interesting casting choices. Okay, it's the set of cheers, populated with dogs,

sitting on throads of bones. Okay. We're getting close to dead cheers, which I'm okay with too. I'm okay with dead cheers. I'm also getting close to the Texas chains on Massacre. Also that.

Because then you have Honor the Giant in the Norm Peter. Anderson role. Andre! Oh, gave me a further one glass of wine. My annoying wife, Vera, she will never leave me alone.

Well, some of the people from Cheers have to be dead by now, really? It's just coach. Coach is definitely dead. Okay, so he's the only one playing the same role. That's right. Dead cheers.

Now we've moved on to dead cheese. We cut to an alley-sheedy shower scene because why not? Sure. This is like kind of the end of her first act of her career because she had like the 80s were obviously shitty crazy you know breakfast club

Brat Pack all those movies And then the early 90 late 80s She did like short circuit It's kind of starting The bike's starting to get a little wobbly there As you're trying to ride You'll forget she's in that first short circuit Did she reappear for two

Apparently just a vocal cameo Oh She's like the phone or something I'm divorcing you Short circuit was like a force of nature Wasn't it didn't it do It did well enough to get a sequel Yeah it's true

But it was critically panned, I think. But this is sort of like the last act of it, and then she comes back with a bang and high art later on there in the late... Oh, right. I totally forgot about that movie. Super good. It's so much for a comeback. Yes.

Yeah, so she is married to this dude Perry. This dude fucking stinks. Is she just a boyfriend? I think it's a boyfriend, but they live to go. Oh, pardon me. I thought vows were exchanged. No, they're living in sin, Andrew. Oh, fuck.

You see how quickly she gets rid of this motherfucker? This isn't a husband. Yeah, that's true. I mean, but they're living in sin. That's why they're targeted. Yes. It's not Halloween, but by dog murder. Yeah, that's why they're targeted.

But evil dogs. Perry, by the way, is dressed in that early 90s, I'm right about to host Saturday Night Live kind of outfit. It's the blazer, the light blue jeans, the t-shirts, Sol Asylum is here. It's like a t-shirt with a baggy, over it, tucked into jeans. It is something else.

He at one point, I think in his first scene, he's like coming home from work. Yeah. So there's a suit on and it is that 90s baggy slacks. Oh, totally. Why didn't anyone tell the entire male fashion community? They looked fucking horrible in these baggy slacks, dude. It just looks like you're playing dress up in dad's clothes. It's comfort, dude, man.

And it was new at the time. This isn't brand new at the time. We had a lot of fun tonight. Thanks to Martin Short, thanks to Ugly Kid Joe. If ever in a movie... Faye wish. If ever in a movie,

you needed to do like a 10 years back, flashback for like Chris McDonald's. You get this guy. Yeah, that's true. This guy's perfect. This dude is in at least the last Christopher Nolan Dark Night movie. Oh, really?

He's like, he's someone on the police force who's like kind of yelling at Matthew Modell. Dean a couple times. Yeah, no, I was looking it up and I was like, because he looks kind of familiar, but I couldn't play him, and I was like, oh, yeah, Batman. Was that one of his reclamation projects when Nolan's maybe he's a big man's best friend?

Oh, it could have been, yeah. I've always liked that man's best friend movie. I wanted to show man's best friend on 70 millimeter film. It was shot on film. You do know that, yes? On film. In the original draft of Memento, it was a dog that killed his wife.

Sammy Jankis was always intended to urinate acid. The tattoo said, Dog G. murdered and raped my wife. It originally was a dog robot, but then I actually watched the film and I knew that it was a genetic dog. If I were to remake Man's Best Friend, there would certainly be more clocks in it.

Like two or three more clocks. A couple of watches. Thinker, my remake of Man's Best Friend would also feature multiple timelines and possibly play itself backwards. Structures a little linear, no A little linear I could mess with that a little bit

And now it was all a dream So this dude hates dogs So immediately I want this guy dead And he's like You get that monster outside now I mean but the thing is I never grew up with like big big dogs I would be very unsettled

You didn't grow up with a big dog t-shirt I guarantee you No you had a big dog t-shirt What really? I didn't know Rich boy I'll tell you that much Even I had a big dog t-shirt. It looked terrible. I remember this was it.

Why didn't someone tell you that you look terrible? And let me tell you, we got it from J.C. Penny, and it was too big. Oh. They were always too big. You might as well call it J.C. Quarter. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You've got any of those Werther's original?

I put him back in the kitchen. I only allowed myself to have two. But I will say, though, I, you know, I come home. and there's a dog bigger than me in the house. I'm a little unnerved. That's true. It's also an aggressive dog, so I understand his point.

It's aggressive because this dude's being a dick to it immediately, though. He is definitely being a dick, but it is a big dog. That takes up a lot of real estate. Well, they have a huge 1990s house, so it's fine. Where is this supposed to take place, by the way? I don't know if we ever hear it. Any town, you know.

Yeah, nowhere'sville. I don't know. They don't, nobody has a cell phone in this. No, we're still a little. Oh, my God. You just reminded me, this is very important. This is a breaking news story.

Did you swallow a cell phone? No, even worse. I was on the train coming home from work yesterday. I saw this dude, I'm not fucking kidding. Had an old-ass cell phone with like the antenna pulled up and he was talking on it.

No, he wasn't. I don't know if he was talking to anybody on the other end, but this dude sat down and he's talking about, and he's talking about, and he was. had like a hilarious like Kenny G like long ass curly hair he was probably in like his late 40s okay that's yeah that's but I was like who how is this thing still functioning was it in the leathery

case or not so much I couldn't tell because like he had his hand over it and the hair was blocking a lot of it but you better believe I could see that fucking antenna sticking out I couldn't even believe it wowza I thought I was getting punked what was the tone of the conversation was it like talking about Ken star or something Was he way back in the old days? Oh, man, an apparition. It was your traditional New York crazy. Okay.

You know, so now that I say this out loud, he may have had no one on the other end. But he still was in possession of a cell phone that had a massive antenna on it. And I had to do a triple take. So they, uh, the guy's like, look, you know, we can keep the dog on a trial basis, blah, blah, blah. He's got to sleep outside, especially when we're fucking. That's the move. Oh, dude, there is a shot of this fucking dog. sauntering up to the door

looking in the keyhole and watching them fuck it's like a hitchcock shot you took the words right out of my mouth and it goes wide I'm like what the fuck it's a dog puppet you idiot and then dude if Gus Van Sant

remade this movie he would take all of the artistry and mystique out of that shot and have that dog just clearly jerking off which is what like that's the thing in that original movie Anthony Perkins peers through and you fucking get it in that movie with Gus Van

Santha remake it's like Vince what's his name? Vince Vaughn is just like and you're just like you know things were a lot more subtle in 1960 no the boom mic wasn't working on the oh no we didn't pick up all the

jerking all that old Hollywood sang work with what you got I just couldn't believe this dog was a fucking leering little pervert too on top of everything else. I guess so. It's his big brain. Big brains love to purve out. Look at the big brain on Max. Yeah. And he's perving out. No, I was just going to point out that like while they're trying to like get down, the dog is barking in the backyard.

Yes, that's it. And this dude is like, like Ali Sheedy has some line like, oh, I better go see if Max is okay. And this dude basically has the response that's the equivalent of like, well, you better. her hurry up because this cock ain't going to be hard laws like was the idea it's the timer man she was mugged you monster what the fuck is going on here yeah yeah yeah well the chris nolan clock for the boner would be appreciated uh wait can we could time that with the beat off noise Andrew could you indulge me with the beat off noise I think we got something here guys is perfectly insane. What? I don't know. But it's something. I'm liking it.

It's lightning in a bottle. Lance Hendrickson calls the police and in comes Robert Costanzo, who I love, and some other dude. This guy's great, man. You know who this guy looks like? Not Robert Costanzo, but the other guy looks like that dude

in, speaking of Batman Nolan movies, the dark night. He's the guy who's like kind of, he's a cop, but then he's like crazy and working for the Joker. Oh, that guy, yeah, yeah. Harvey Dent, like, beats the shit out of him or whatever. He's one of the guys an ant man, isn't he? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He sort of looks like that. It's not that guy, obviously. It might be that guy's uncle or something. And what was the other gentleman, Robert Costanzo? Who you, Andrew and Steve were on the blank check podcast talking about Total Recall. And someone on there, I forget who called. I think I'm going to be Griffin Newman. Yeah.

He called him, what, like a hard-boiled egg rolled on a barber's floor? Yes. And I cannot not think of that when I see him now. Griffin was right I mean this is very accurate description of Robert Costanza I mean and he's great He's Harvey Bullock In The Batman the animated series

That's right Come on commish That's what he sounds like He's great So they're just cops I mean like And they're doing man they got They dusted this Z plot out of the garbage

It's Robert Costanza's overweight The other guy's not And it's like You know you keep eating all that junk food And I guess we're not even characters at all It goes beyond that dude Dude, because there is a scene where, like, the movie stops for a PSA about smoking. Oh, right.

Because Costanzo, like, they're at the precinct, and he puts a fucking butt in his mouth. And then this dude is just like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? And he pulls it out and sticks a fucking carrot in there. And he's like, you know, smoking kills, right? I was like, Jesus Christ. And, oh, man, when they first fucking meet with goddamn Lance Henriksen, and he's like, you know, my girlfriend, she said that torturing animals is bad. I don't know what she was doing here, but...

Well, that's what I love about this, right? It's like, Lance Henriksen is like, yes, I called the police because someone stole my dog. And these cops make no mention of all the clear, egregious animal abuse that's happening. Dog skeletons, like moving through them. Like, so they stole your dog, huh? There's some line about, like, how one of the cops has to use, like, a shampoo that's on a special list that's not...

Oh, yeah. Tested on animals. Cruelty-free, yeah. Right. And Lance Hendrickson is just like, contrary to belief. Like, those people are idiots. And I'm not putting, I'm not searing monkey's eyes out or show or showing their eyes shut or anything like that. I'm doing hard science.

I'm putting cobra traits inside of a dog. I'm putting a human brain inside of a dog. I'm giving a dog the power to be invisible. And yes, I'm also giving it S and P. Yes, that is hard. science, my friends. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'm a Simpsons joke. I'm sorry. It's, it happened. What is the acid

pee? It doesn't come up for a while, but like he does go through the, he kind of lists off, he foreshadowed some of the things like, well, it's a chameleon so it can, you know, it can camouflage itself, it could do this, it could do that. Like climb trees, it can run really fast like a leopard.

What animal has acid pee? Yeah, I gave him a xenomorphs dick. I think maybe it's like, access to it like snake venom but it's just in the dick i don't know dick venom dude yeah dude dick venom dick venom that's that new sony movie that's out right now dick venom uh it's also weird so lance hendrickson's he's got he starts the clock ticking here and he's like now i have dosed this dog with all sorts of shit that keeps this dog from going

crazy. And as this wears off, the dog will, what Lance Hendrickson refers to as fragment, which I guess like when the stuff completely wears off, the dog is just going to be like bad shit crazy. Bullshit words. This dog is going to have a psychotic

episode. I'm like, first of all, dogs are always having psychotic episodes. That's why they're dogs. Yes, exactly. That's what dogs are. And this is the scene, Lance Hendrickson has the heinously delivered titular line. He's like, let's make one thing clear. This dog, is not man's best friend and I was like

he also tells these detectives and this is maybe my favorite line of the film he's like we're sitting on a time bomb she like bangs his hands as he does it we're sitting on a time bomb well that's what's fucked up is he definitely has a line where he is like if I don't get this dog back in custody tonight this town is gonna burn

and I was like oh cool I didn't remember this movie taking place over one night It immediately cuts to the next morning and there's a paper boy. Damn. Immediately. So the paper boy, man. One of my favorite scenes. This little turds throwing the newspapers and he fucking hits his dog right in the face with it.

And he's like, oh, sorry, Fido. And this dog is not having any of it. He fucking hunts this kid down. But what stops him? DeiSX breakfast. That's true. Sheedy comes out, puts down the bowl. He runs back to feed.

The dog's got a little bit of a Clint Eastwood and Grand Torino thing going on here. Oh, sure. He just got randomly hit by a fucking paper, and he's like, I'm going to fucking hit him. Yeah, then he's like, well, I'll have some of that kibble. I'm not going to use the slurs. Yeah, better. Better not. I'll check out.

Oh, well, you guys, you have good kibble here. That's the dog food industry's word. It's not for you. It's very hard to make jokes about Grand Tarino without using slurs. Yeah, it's true. It's very hard. So he has the heinous digital line. We drop, like we said, we cut to the paper boy thing.

He just hilariously kind of, he's, man, he's like this close to bawling that paper boy. I've never been more angry at Ali Sheedy. We could have, I mean, there should be child that's including who comes in right now. It's one of your classic, like, movie neighborhood kids that's always a latchkey kid that's always walking into somebody else's house. Like, hey, hey, I'm friends with you, adult childless couple. What are we got for breakfast? Like, get the fuck out of here. Look, the mighty ducks broke up.

I got nothing else to do. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, Allie Sheetie. This is, it's like a year after that first Mighty Ducks movie, this kid, I don't remember which character, but he's not any of like the mighty ducks you care about. But this was weird because also he's on rollerblades almost the entire time, which is kind of funny. But like, I was so confused at first because I was like, is this their kid? Where the fuck was he when all that fucking was going on last night? Like, what's going on?

It's your classic, just whatever. And Ali Sheenie's just like, oh, hey, Rudy, how's it going? And this little turns like rooting through the fridge. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. What do you do? No, those are my groceries. You can't let a kid walk into your house. No, not at all.

You're waiting for like an FBI raid. Exactly. Well, that's the problem is they clearly have done it already. And now he's just going to keep on coming back. Well, you give a kid an inch, man. They're going to fucking take a mile. To Eric's point, yes, that's like, best case scenario here is he's just eating your food. then like there could be all sorts of allegations

heaven forbid does a slip and fall holy shit now you're liable now you're liable absolutely do they have a pool holy shit if they had a pool and yeah this kid comes in and she's like she says to him like what do you want for breakfast and he's like pizza and he takes

out pizza if I was her I'd be like you know Perry and I were going to have those as leftovers for dinner you're being very presumptuous right here Rudy oh you'd shame him I see of course I would get the fuck out of my house. This is the only other person, this is the only other person this dog will fucking tolerate. Everybody else gets a fucking gnawing on their neck. Yeah. He's like, oh, can I hang out

with your dog for the day while you go to work? She's like, yeah, sure, Rudy, that'd be fine. I guess you're going to be here anyway. So she goes to work. She's doing some research on the thing. The dog is having a great day with Rudy and his buddy. They're making fart jokes. You know what I mean? This is one of the greatest things of all time because it's like, we cut, I forget what the scene before it is, but it's some sort of like serious Lance Henriksen, like the world is going to end thing again. The ice is going to break.

Yes. And then it cuts and it's these two kids walking the dog and the kid on the bicycle is just like, man, this morning my brother cut one. I was like, my God, the editing here. Roost me right out of the building. Yes. And the, this is when he, they see a cat.

It's like, you know, old, This is whatever his cat. And they're like, get him, Max. I'm like, what are you fucking dommer? Like, dude, this is great. It's not even a stray cat. It's like, go kill that old lady's cat. We were going to do that later.

But now Max can do it. We're going to want you kill that cat. Andrew, I can't do the jerk off noise. There you go. Oh, it's just a lot. It's literally clapping my hands. Okay. We are on the cusp of a Michael Hennekeh movie here.

It was just so weird Because I think these kids thought like Oh, it'll just chase this cat That'll be funny Lord what happens instead Is one of the funnier things Maybe I don't know This movie is unintentionally hilarious

But you cannot say it's a horror comedy It's a Rudy's video Not Beni's video Oh nice So the dog uses The cat runs up a tree The dog uses his new cat powers To actually climb up the tree as well

I think he's got like some puma in him or something. Right. Dude, we see him grow claws a little bit. It's weird. And he scales this tree. And we just cut to this dog eating this cat like a snake wood. It's just a puppet dog and someone pulling a cat through it. Yep.

Get up. Get over here. Come on, you fucking cat. That's the behind the scenes. By the way, this is the gift that is the best thing in the world because it's a puppet tunnel. It's like just really just like a close. of a dog head. And someone's shoved this orange tabby through it.

And the tabby is not having any of it. It's brilliant. I think that cat's the best actor in the film because you could see the genuine terror of being chased by crewmen up this tree. But the best part about this is if you watch it, and I've seen this movie,

this is the fourth time I've ever seen this movie. And this is my favorite part forever. But I never realize this. They have to cut because what's happening is at first the cat's arms will not get through the dog mouth and then you cut and the cat is clearly like swaddled or something

and then you see the thing go through. Yeah and it's just either way it's a good healthy tug to get this thing through this puppy. That was an all day thing everyone's like running. Yeah you got to catch the cat. You're only doing it once. You're only able to do that once. You know what? We got one take here folks. We're on our fourth cat puller.

You know what? You know what? I'm just going to do it. All right? Director's doing it. Sorry. Fourth cat puller and fifth cat. Split that one and half again. Damn. Just damn. Somewhere around here, by the way, we're introduced to the two buffoonish dog catcher characters. That's what this is like, is this a Snow Buddies movie or what, dude? He's like dopey dog catchers. It's so dumb. And like the two of them are just, I think they're just like stone the whole time, like laughing to each other. And the music, again, is just like, do-p-d-d-d-dittle-beep.

Allie She, you were talking about lawsuits. You gave this dog that you stole from a fucking corporation and you brought it home the night before and you handed it off to this kid you just randomly know. And then it eats a cat. You are in Sioux City, buddy. Like, holy fucking shit. That's a question.

I want to see the fucking dog dump this guy takes of those cat bones. Oh, absolutely. You're not. Because he eats it whole, dude. Yes. Yes, Eric. I think Eric's going through trauma right now. It's disgusting.

You're going to pass that skeleton hole. But the thing is, this dog has so many other animalistic parts of bred into it. What is the asshole? That's a great question. What kind of shits does it do? Is it like owl pellets? It could be. That would be pretty genius, actually.

If you had this huge dog and it just shat pellets. Yeah, like a giant. High density, like Nibbler and Futurama. Like a ton each. I wish I shot pellets too. But I don't on take a big dump. I'm a giant. Taking the bathtub.

Oh, man. If I use your bathtub, hawk-hagen, you harasses. Disclamer, this impression is not malicious. No, no, Andre the Giant was amazing, and he should be alive and other wrestlers should not be. Yeah. There's not that many other wrestlers to choose from.

That's right. I had a lot of park, too. Oh, how about this that's pretty sharp in this movie? This dog cuts that dude's breaks. What in the world? Right now, this is the boyfriend character. Perry, yes. Because he's, like, pissed about last night or whatever.

And he cuts, it's amazing. I'm sorry, a dog cuts a man's brakes. At this point, this dog should talk. You're right. It should talk. Help me. Oh, man. Can we get a shot of the dog like coming up on the roly thing out of the fucking

underneath the car. To the point of a rolly thing that mechanics would use, right? It's actually on this dude. So we see, like, when the kids take the dog out, Perry has some dude there, like, doing something to the car. Yeah. And he's like, oh,

I need the whatever cable or something like that. And the dog picks up the correct thing and gives it to the guy, and the guy's like, say what? And I'm like, no, no. That dog was just biting into this delicate piece of machinery, dude. to, like, change that out.

I would love it if it's, you know, he, the guy's driving, he gets in the car and explode. The dog, like, puts his hands together and rubs them, like, excellent. On that note, can I walk you through what happens with this? Yes. You get a shot of the car, and the dog sees the car, and you know that he's, like, going to do something. So then it cuts to this guy, Perry, driving away, and there's, like, an ominous fucking truck behind him, like, honking to get behind. I was certain the dog was driving. car. I was like a hundred

percent like he's going to drive up and that fucking dog is going to be like is hotwired a big rig? See and if that happened then I would accept that this is a horror comedy but that would be amazing and you know what that dog could pull it off

but no it's just some stranger with their dog and they pass him and then he doesn't have breaks. That's the weird yeah it's just another dog that's barking at this guy it's so strange you stupid fucking mutt and he's like tram and dry. He narrowly doesn't die in this break accident. Meanwhile, this kid Rudy is like, oh, I want to show Max to my dog. And like, after he ate a cat. Like, you know what I mean? Like,

I don't want to hang out with this dog anymore. This is pre cat. Oh, it's pre cat. And also these are, even if it was after cat, these kids are deranged. That's a good point. Yeah. Oh, these kids should be put down. The other, their future serial killers. Yeah. They're fucking backyards, a squirrel graveyard, but yes before before the whole cat thing happens he's like oh here's my dog or whatever and it's like a lady dog and whatnot and this max is like horny as fuck so after he kills that cat he just had a nice meal now he's ready to fuck he runs back to this house and this is this is incredibly strange wow and the music cues in this scene insane it's like you have your like bowed chick a wow wow kind of shit for a little bit but then like what they're doing

is they're broadcasting to the audience that, like, the female dog is terrified by this situation. And they're playing puppy love. Yeah. Yes. Oh, and then it cuts into that. Oh, dude. Yeah. But then they have Max's, like, there's a triumphant score because after that we get, the dog's, like, walking down the street and it's like,

boom, boom, bab, bo bonap. And the dog's like, I just fucked. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. So the whole of zoo is more wholesome. than that scene. I'm sorry. That's just the truth. I'd rather have Thanksgiving with Mr. Hans, rest his soul. And you know what, Chris, as the zoo expert, I totally wholeheartedly agree with you. Thank you. When did Mr. Hans die? What year was that? Late 90s, I want to say. Oh, late 90s? I don't even know. Oh, shit. Mr. Hans didn't live to see 9-11.

You spared it. Usually that's what I'd bring up, but no, I was wondering if maybe they put his brain into this dog. Oh, you should put his brain into a horse, dude. Wouldn't that? mean appropriate. I guess, but yeah, I don't know. Finally, I am one. Yeah, that was the horse and thoroughbreds. Oh, so this is also on his walk home. He fucking urinate's out of fire hydrant and the fire hydrant like starts melting. Yes, this is

the acid pee. It's just like, well, okay. It is impossible. Oh, he died in 2005. Wow. So we saw those towers go down. It could have, it could have spurred a lot of things in him. Oh, do you think that's when it started?

Yeah, maybe. Chris, was he interested in horses before 9-11? I don't know, Eric. I just know about the movie. I don't know about the fucking grand life of these people. Just trying to find out if all those, all that stuff about those, those horse soldiers, as depicted in that recent film with Michael Shannon, if that maybe got him hot, like, interested. I mean, I think it's just he saw those towers go down.

He understood the absurdity and frailty of human life. And I was like, dude, that's it. we're fucking horses, you know? This is how I choose to deal with the tragedy. I'm going to enlist. Well, not in that, but in this. So I guess the next thing is the mailman bit, which is pretty great. Because I mean, this is it's, it's, what I love about this movie is, it runs out of gas almost immediately. Yes. You should have more Lance Henderson. You should have more Ali Shidi. Ali Shidi is just kind of like barely in this. She's like bookending this movie. She vanishes from the film for quite some time. But it's really just a montage of like, what would an evil dog

dude. Well, I guess he'd eat a cat. I guess he'd eat a mailman. Well, before the mailman, though, isn't there something about he kills some random scumbag? Because what is the thing? The mugger. They go back to the mugger's body. That's what it was. Okay. Because that's when Lance Henriksen is like, see this dog's

getting scumbags off the street. I didn't piece together that it was the mugger. I thought he killed some other dude and we just didn't even see it. No, no. No, no. It's a vigilante. Isn't that great? No trials. No paperwork. Just murder. He's talking about this fucking dog

like he's Jack the Ripper. He's like, you see this incision here? This could only be done by Max. What the fuck are you talking about? We have a real crisis on our hands here in foggy old London town. My genetic dog is murdering

all these prostitutes. He does wear a cap and a cloak, actually. It's very clear he has medical training. He carries a medical case like a doctor making house calls. And yes, he does bite and murder people. And we believe him to be in the elite. Possibly Illuminati.

Oh, shit, dog Illuminati, dude. Royal family, royal doctor. Possible? I don't know. What? Royal dog? How about Freemasons? Let's go for them all. So, yes, this is the mailman comes calling dogs don't like mailman, everybody.

And the mailman's like, don't you try it, you son of a bitch. And he maces this dog, which is also, first of all, this dog is A, adorable, and B, clearly very nice. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's your classic, like, the dog's got a big smile when he's running, and they're making really scary noises. Yes.

And, like, the scene that's hilarious, because the dog just gets sprayed with a hose. It's like, oh, fuck. Yeah. He's, like, mildly inconvenience. He's not, like, burning with maze kind of thing. But, like, yeah, this mailman shoots first, and it's like, all right, now this dog is going to fucking bite your throat, buddy.

He drew first blood. that's right no that's what happens the mailman calls him a son of a bitch it's like if you were to pour like a fucking beer on a chud and like he just drinks he's like I like it like that well dude the dog actually

I was I had this thought that this dog was kind of like Vin Diesel because it was just like I live for this shit and fucking like bites this dude's throat out he bites his ass and then he bites his throat oh there's an ass bite which they use in the motion picture Friday

the father, John Witherspoon, is watching this. Oh, that's right. Oh, shit. This is when Ice Cube drops the actual ice cube on the floor and puts it in his father's drink and brings it back to him. That's right. Oh, fuck. Wow. He bites his ass.

And then, like, again, like, he bites the throat. And this is when call Tom Savini or Tom Savini's brother. I need to see, like, the head get removed. Anything. I need to see the ass get removed. I need to see, like, get like, a fucking, oh, my God. almost said Lance Armstrong, but that's not right. Lance Anrickson?

Stretch Armstrong. Oh, right. Like, give me like stretch ass. The meat comes out. Yeah, like stretch that meat ass, that meaty ass. Stretch it. Anybody ever have a stretch Armstrong? No. Really? Oh, they were fun. A friend of mine did, and we broke it. I feel like that's what you would do, right? Yeah, yeah. It just

happened all the fucking time. You just pulled it apart like a couple wild horses. I had mine because I appreciated my parents' money. Wild, wild fat kids Couldn't tear me apart Yeah, they could So Hendrickson goes

Wild wild Fat kids Can that be the new podcast Name and theme song? What wild and wild and fat kids The food that you wanted I bought it all for you Oh fuck

So Lance Hannerick Goes the TV station He's like I am eerily demanding To see the woman Newcastle my dog And no I don't want to check my coat What do you got three guys

Are gonna hang this thing up I did I didn't miss anything right She never ever does a fucking news report on this shit No not at all Not at all This piece never makes it to air They just forget about it

just falls off the movie. Which that should be the end of the movie is like the story finally breaks. Lance Hendrix is hauled into prison. Sure. Absolutely. That's not what happens though. It never makes it to air. They have some cat and mouse in the police, in the, the news station there. It's a weird, like, he's trying to get in. They won't, like, give him access. They keep lying to him that, like, she's not at the office or whatever. And we cut between that and this is an amazing sequence because it's Lance Hendrickson trying to meet up with Ali Sheeded to be like, where's my dog? So there's that. Then there's the boyfriend Perry coming home, and he's got a bunch of rat poison that he's mixing into this dog's food. Which I also love, by the way, he gets a big box of rat poison, and then he starts reading the directions. Yeah, if you're just trying to kill this dog, come on. The more the merrier, pal.

Also coupled here is the dog hilariously burying this mailman. Oh, my God, is that the funniest thing? Oh, I don't want to go up the river for this. They'll never catch me I'll just bury him under the deck But then the Max The dog walks into the house And the guy is like

Oh Max here's your food or whatever And because he's a super genius dog He sniffs out the poison in it And is like This dog is like personally offended That he's like Well this is how you thought you could take me out Which is poison in my fucking food

Do you know that I'm a super dog man? I am part chameleon Okay I sniffed out that poison. So now it's time to die, dude. And he's like chasing this guy around. How does I mean, he winds up taking this dog to the junkyard. I forget how he gets him.

Ali Sheedy takes him to the junkyard. Oh, okay. No, he just runs away in this one. And then the fucking dog hilariously takes the plate and dumps it in the toilet. Oh, that is funny. Dude, the dog flushes the evidence. Also eats a bird. Yes.

Ali Sheet has got this. bird that this dude was also bitching about, the dog eats the bird, which is great. And then, yeah, he just, you see this dog, he's got the plate with, like, the raw beef on it, and he just dips it, and it falls into the toilet, and this dog flushes

the toilet. He's a genius. I was waiting for him to go and then wash the dish. It just puts it back in the cabinet. Part of the argument for comedy as this classifying as a comedy is when she does bring home the dog. He's like, but you got that parrot that's always making obscene noises.

Oh, right. And the parents are like, ha, fuck you. Oh, does it say that? It does not fuck you, but it's like a screw you or something.

Oh, yeah, so there's some fun parent stuff. But then there's a thing where Henrickson has had enough of the fucking bureaucracy at the security desk for this television station.

And you just see him shooting this security guard in the throat with a dart. And he's like, finally I can get into this office and just walks over this dude's limp body. that you're going to jail now

and he so basically he just this is where Lance Henderson goes away for a while in this movie because he hides in Ali Sheedy's office just laying in wait but the movie continues and Ali Sheedy is bringing the dog to this junkyard

where William Sanderson from Blade Runner and J.F. Sebastian and Blade Runner is like this junkyard owner and you can tell like you can sniff this a mile away that this dude is crooked and he's like oh yeah i love dogs it's great to have a dog here i'm going to take him out to my farm he's got

a lot of land to run around the funny thing is that william sanderson speaking of the batman the animated series did a voice of exactly the same character like really dog abuser no no of a of a like a robot builder like and it's like it's an in joke oh it's funny it took me like 30 years to get that's very sophisticated that's very much like blade runner so there's like a weird thing where William Sanderson is like, like Ali Sheedy's looking down with the dog and not looking at him and he's like, oh yeah, no, this dog's going to have a great time

with me. And he like grossly pulls this, he like tugs on this belt. Yeah. His leather belt. You're just like, oh, ew. You're gross. And she's like, fine, whatever. See you later robot dog. And then Sanderson hits the dog with a shovel.

Oh, Jesus. This was a bit much, man. I got to tell you. It's the only, that's the only chance William Sanderson had, and it's one of those like, if you do this, you'd better fucking kill me. It's like, all right, you get one shot, brother. You hit me with a shovel in a dream. You better wake up and apologize. I'm a dog.

Remove the head or the heart. The cops, meanwhile, were getting this background of fucking Lance Henriksen. Like, he was in an insane asylum for 20 years. What was I missing? What the fuck? That came up for 20 years. They give this random fucking history of this bad shit character. And I'm like, who cares?

Well, because also Robert Costanzo and the other dude, we should mention, they're like piecing together what happened to that woman from the beginning. And Costanzo's like, you know, I'm starting to think that that woman at the beginning got murdered. And then Lance Hendrickson just covered it all up. What do you think about that? Creepy assistant. So they're like kind of in a movie. I guess all these.

sequences of events are going to culminate in what someone might call a climax. Maybe our dialogue pushes the plot forward so that we know more and we're ready to go to the next scene. Wait, it doesn't check out. Why are we talking about smoking now? Well, you know, sometimes movies run a little short and you got to have a little bit of a bit. It's flimsy, but all out. So, yeah, so there's another, this was what's weird.

Sanderson ties his dog up to like one part of the junkyard. And then in the next scene, like, he's tied the dog up to another part of the junkyard. And I was like, how did you make that transition? This dog would have kicked your fucking ass after that shovel beating. And also weighs two times as much as you, William Sanderson. Totally. So, Max, this is an amazing sequence. I love it, dude, Max, the dude, Eric Siska, take it away.

The dog goes after him. And he's welding under, like, a part of a car or whatever. and he's got the blow torch but boom it's out of his hand the dog has the upper hand or does he grabs the blow torch in time puts it in the dog's eyes

you're burning this dog's face I would get to see this fucking like paper mache puppet get like burnt in the eyes and yes I personally made a giff of this sequence well done I'll put it on the we 8 movies Twitter account

if anyone wants to check that out nice at WHM podcast and the weird thing is this guy's like Oh, yeah, you're going to be my number one dog. I'm going to, you're going to be the meanest junkyard dog in the world. Is it like a fucking contest you're entering? Yeah, what fucking famous junkyard dogs are you comparing it to? We need that, by the way, instead of the Westminster Dog Show,

how about Thanksgiving, we gather around and watch junkyard dogs? Oh, yeah. Do competitions, for instance, sick balls. Chopper was pretty good at that. And then Max, I'm sure, would be a contender. and I would like to see what the toy class would bring to the oh man they're nipping balls who can finish a bully stick the quickest

you know these are very easy things to do there are many things that a junkier dog can do including bite William Sanders his fucking nards dude it's so awesome oh I forgot yeah it's sick balls yeah I think it's like the whole package is in his mouth and it happens and we cut him like no no no I want to see it come out get get whoever did dead alive get that

go to New Zealand find that guy bring him here, that's it. You're telling me you want the grandma's face falling off in the soup but for a ball bite. Yeah, I think we can do that. How about some ketchup packets instead? Just put it around.

Max's jawed just at the same right time. Peter's going legit. Pete's going legit or need somewhere else to use me talents. So let me get this straight. Max bites this gentleman's gentles. genital men's genitals and

gentlemen's genitals gentlemen's genitals gentlemen's genitals it just like slides off like a woman's face into suit like it's a goopy like like

like it wasn't thought all the way through it was thought halfway through I was brought here to do a job and I did my job I did it

now I don't understand why New Line Cinema ain't paying me now his balls I like melt cheese. What's awesome, though, is when this dude chow's down, man, there is at least William Sanderson. He gets sprayed with his own dick blood.

Yes. Perfecto. Dickblood, instant point to this movie. Yeah, they usually do that. If it's a three-star movie, if it's a three-star movie and dick blood emerges, we got a four. We got a four. Yeah, that's how that works. Because you never get that. You never get, like, usually they just let your imagination run wild.

Oh, exactly. It's always like, oh! But it's never. like squat, splatter. I'm now imagining us in a restaurant and the listener who's listening to this, like being in the restaurant and asking to move table. I don't know what those guys are talking about. But what I'm talking about is usually it's like a, my nerds.

But this time, it's like my blurts because it's a, it's a blowing up nerds, you know, it's a totally different thing. This guy's cock explodes. Let's just put it out there. They don't have to leave, but I'm going to. That's how that, I don't care what they're doing. It's a wound you know you could die from. It's a mortal wound for sure.

Rather than like, oh, that just happened. I'm just going to go be normal tomorrow. Yeah, no, that dude's life is over. And that's the other thing. You know that that dog did other shit aside from that cock bite. Oh, yeah. The table next to us is like that scene in Blues Brothers.

And they smell bad. I'm throwing shrimp at an old woman. Pee-wee Herbitt's trying to get us out of there. And what? And what in the world is on that man? t-shirt. What? What is it? Oh, come here, a friend, friend. How much for your nerds?

What about your blurts? So Perry is like, I'll solve my crumbling relationship by buying a cute puppy. Good move, Perry. This dog's adorable. I was in love. Just right from Frame 1. That dog, I'll tell you one thing that dog didn't see in 9-11. It's

1990. 93. I mean, how long goes a dog? Yeah, that dog. Well, that dog might have been in- What, the puppy? Yeah, the puppy died. I mean, seven, eight, nine years? No, that dog, Max, on the other hand, he might have passed him. No, Max didn't see Y2K. So he's like, oh, you know,

hey, remember yesterday when you were going to dump me? Well, today, I bought you this puppy. Yes. Which is a fucking dickhead move, by the way. Absolutely, man. Because a dog is a commitment. The day you're getting rid of the dog, too, basically.

Yeah. She just doesn't want a dog at all. A dog's birthday present is always a bad idea. I think. Unless like you got a broach that subject. Yeah. Yeah. If someone's like, oh, I always wanted a dog. One day I'll get a dog. Then you get them a dog for their birthday. But like just being like, I'm getting your dog. Surprise pets are a fucking horrible idea. He names it too. Right. He calls it spike. Because what it does, Eric, and this is a this is a deus X something or other. The dog is always biting at wires. That's his like little thing. Yeah. He unplugs things and plugs things in. I wonder that that's going to come back. It might, Chris. It's like a dog centibite with like a special trade. Before it definitely comes back. This is the scene where Max has had enough and he decides to take out Perry. And the way that they set this up is one of the most useless shots ever is so like, Perry is like, here you go, baby, here's this dog.

And then like, neighborhood kid comes in and he's like, I'm going to make a milkshake with all shit you spent your hard earned money on. So Perry's like, I'm going to go upstairs to quickly give myself a sideburns trim. It was the early 90s. You got to keep it tight. It's so funny, though, because he's like, I'll be right back, baby. And he goes upstairs and it's like, zip, zit, that's like, uh, zit, all right, perfect. And then the dog is like, finally, I've been hiding in this house waiting for you and thought you could get away from me, didn't you? Like an ex-husband after happy.

hour. He fucking bursts in. He fucking attacks this dude and pisses on his face. And again, we're cutting. And again, we're cutting right at the dog pit. You see a little bit of it. You see the steam. Yeah, but the bummer is when he's taken out on a stretcher dude, and by the way, that curtain wasn't pulled all the way over the face. I was like, fuck you, this guy should be dead movie. Not for nothing. Yeah, but I actually, I don't know about you guys. I think forward, you know, I have some medical stuff that I'm thinking about.

about and I have a DNR. If a dog pisses acid in my face, do not resuscitate. No, please let me die. Let me go. Let me go. No, no, he has a completely, totally fine chance of recovering. No, no, no, smother him with a pillow.

Fucking kill him. You know, a dog pissed acid in his face. If I, if a dog pissed acid in my face, resuscitate and then put like a Phantom of the Opera mask or something, I would be so much happier if I could, if I had a reason to go through life in a mask. you're talking like seriously what you're talking about though is having like horrendous scars right

we see this dude carded out on the stretcher and it looks like he's got a kind of bad sunburn yeah i need boils popping man it was acid steve is this mostly just because you don't want to explain it to people it's a little bit of that i mean sure oh how'd you look like a total fucking creep well a dog pissed acid in my face well you're in a housefire no actually a super dog this acid in my eye socket. You would tell them a fake story. Oh, yeah, you have to. Oh, I saved three kids.

Yeah, there's those beautiful kids. And whenever I think, you know, you might think I look horrific. But when I think of those kids, if I could smile, I would. You know, if I had any more lips, I would smile. I would be smiling under a mask or helmet for the rest of my life. I really want this to have. You want an excuse to walk around like a fucking Stormtrooper, man. I know your precious Bob effect.

Yeah, maybe. Or you honestly, just any type of creepy mask. That's fine by me. The blank from Dick Tracy. Oh, that would actually be very ideal. I thought you might like that one. I thought that was you. See, the Star Wars helmets, they're a little costumey.

This makes sense. You want to go chilling is the move. Yeah, yeah. I want to go chilling. Like, like you could blend in with a crowd. Maybe someone will notice you and freak out. I still wear a trench coat comfortably. Exactly. Basically, ninja turtle chic.

I can get into all the best porno theaters with this disguise. Oh, so like the dog's on the run. The dog's on the run after also hilariously tossing this kid across the kitchen. Oh, right. You think he's gonna get it. Which is fucking great. And yeah, this kid should be butchered.

I don't care that he's a mighty duck. Kill him. Get Josh Jackson too. Get them all. Exactly. But yeah, the dog is on the lamb right now. running from the police. He winds up in a garage with these dog catchers. The weird thing about dog catchers in movies, I would imagine, I mean, if a dog catcher is, that's not really a job, your animal control. But people who work animal control actually like

animals. That's kind of what the point is. Well, that's in the motion pictures, though. And this is a bit of bullshit because these characters are presented as like harmless, comedic, you know, comic relief kind of a thing. So they go into this garage. Like, the police, the dog causes like a massive car accident and like gets away and the dog catchers are like, now it's our time

to shine. Ha, cha-cha. And they chase the dog into this garage and they're like, well, where is he? The garage door closes. Yes. Which is awesome because that means this dog. Yeah, yeah. This dog knows how to fucking use a garage door opener. I'm Batman. And then we see like they turn around

like, oh, the door closed. What's going on? Andy? And like you see this dog some 1993 CGI kind of like wobble in the background he kind of looks like liquid T-1000 a bit of a predator too a bit of a predator yeah you're right you see the light

pointer triangle going on and it's like this is when you realize like oh my god this dog is actually utilizing and knows to utilize chameleon capabilities right here it's the best which we all know those lizards go completely invisible

yeah yeah and it's not actually changing a color to blend in with the backdrop. No, no, no. It's complete invisibility. No, it's Wonder Woman's plane every time. And this is horseshit because then these two dumbasses just run out of the garage like, Hamina, Hamina.

No, kill those guys. They've had six lines between him. Murder him dead. Yep. And then like the movie kind of stalls a little bit like Robert Costanza's like staking at the house. He's like, that dog's coming back. I know it. That's what dogs do. But this is great.

Like, because he is also not long for this world. Yes. He discovers the mailman. It's kind of hilarious. He's like, what's that down there? Is that some sort of body or something? And he looks, and you can see the, like, U.S. post office, like, emblem on the dude's jacket or whatever. But what do you care?

Are you building a case against this dog? Like, what do you... It's not going to stick. It doesn't matter. Well, that's the thing. I don't know who he's building a case against. Is it Ali Sheedy? Yes.

But he's protecting her. It's certainly not Lance Henriksen, because he's never. been like, you know, you probably shouldn't cut the caps off the monkey skulls. Like, there's never any accusations of animal abuse against him, so I don't know who he's looking to take down. There was briefly, but then Lance Hendrickson was like, well, how would you like a little slice a monkey pizza? Oh, my God.

And then everything was fine. Dude, somebody gives you, somebody gives you monkey pizza, your best buds for life. Yeah. Because it tastes so good. Also, you don't want to be rude. It would be insulting to. Oh, that's true. That's the bigger thing, I think.

Uh, so then Robert Castan, Anzo eats shit after finding this body. This is great. Again, we don't see. And then, but Ali, she just like, oh, my God, the dog's here. She takes her tiny little dog, goes on the run. She finds the other detective just dead. Oh, yeah, that dude's got his throat bit out in the car.

Lance Hendrickson kidnaps her, which is kind of weird. Yes. And he's like, we're going back to the lab because Max will know to go home. And I was like, well, that sounds like the movie's ending. Thank you. Yeah, the three of them. and they get into this fucking world-ending car accident. Dude, this is hilarious.

It is gorgeous. And a puppy and all three live by ass. And Max is jumping through the windshield. Well, that's, yeah, do you want to talk about the cause of the car accident? Which is the dog runs down, chases down this car that's going 40 miles an hour. Passes it. Like, gets on the roof. It's got Cheetah Speed, dude.

Turns around and smashes his face through the windshield trying to kill Lance Henriksen. And this is a beautiful. beautiful sequence to see this car and a big dog puppet fly into like this electric fence it's ridiculous everybody should be dead yes at the end of the movie start rolling the credits and then unfortunately literally everyone is left alive after this and now it's alishini and the tiny dog we're doing a little cat and mouse she's trying to get away she has a knife and the you know max corners her and like there's this like max gives her a look of like we don't need knives do we? Terry Terry. Terry you know me

you know me talk to me take the night down just talk to me it's Max here this is after this dog is seen escaping the rubble by putting a paw up through a pile of wreckage

oh awesome and just as like and she does put it down because he's giving her a look and she's like oh this is my dog who I love and he's actually pretty nice to me and just as he does

Lance Hendrickson comes in with his shotgun It's like, ugh. And like, oh, man. And so they have, they're at the facility. And it's this insane moment where this dog is coming at Lance Hendrickson. Lance Hendrickson fires wildly. And like, the dog blasts back from the shotgun.

Lance Hendrickson goes through a window and falls on like this cage that somehow gets electrified. Well, it's not. He lands on the cage. He thinks it's an electric cage, but the little spike there who loves plugs. That's right. I'm going to be adorable and plug in this plug. Uh-oh, I'm going to murder Lance Henrickson.

That's right. So Hendrickson gets totally electrocuted to death. And then Ali Sheedy goes to Max. It's a little bit of a sad scene for a second. This dog is fucking dead. So it's like, here we go. Here's Ahab and the white whale. Dude, they're both dead in this genetics.

cut to three months later because why not why not keep this movie going longer than it needs to be man that ending sequence that well and not ending sequence but that was beautiful the shots choreography thank you you're welcome amazing yeah that sequence like made the movie for me hendrickson going through that window was one of the things i like remembered from the first time i saw it which i think was back in the early days of this show and a little bit of green out of her. Oh, of course. Yes, because I was wondering, like, the whole time,

I was like, did I watch this? I don't think I watched this. Wait, maybe I watched this. No, I did not watch. Wait, maybe I watched. You watched it. So, yes, it's three months later. The neighbor, little Rudy's like,

hey, come over here. Like, Ali She's walking, little Spike, who's grown up a little bit. So we go over and it's like, look at all these puppies or whatever, and it's all these cute dogs that look like the mother dog. Because they're doing Lady of the Tramp horse shit.

Yes. And then there's the one dog that looks like Max. And like someone goes over to pet it and the dog's just like, and it's like freeze frame sequel set up credits. I wish there was- Into puppy love, by the way, sorry. I wish there were sequels because you could do man's best friend obedience school.

That's a great movie. Man's best friend, maybe he's like a service dog for a little bit while. Man's best friend, squalacost. Oh my God. A man's best friend, we went on vacation and had to board him for a week and fucking shit goes down. Man's best friend, the crating. The cratening. I'm kind of surprised there aren't sequels to this.

Direct to VHS or otherwise. It cost $6 million. It made $12 million. That's a moneymaker. That's okay. Yeah. I guess they realized that this one was just so perfect. Yeah.

Yeah, you just don't want to touch it. Give it two years. You're going to get yourself a VOD. remake of this shit. You think so? No, you know what? They're just going to make it another dog murder movie

and not pay for the rights and just call it something different. Man's Best Fiend. Oh, yes, it's about Klaus Kinski. Getting a dog. It's about Klaus Kinski biting dogs. I'd watch it.

But it's human teeth. So that is the end of this movie. Would anybody recommend it? Oh, it's a wholehearted recommend. This is pretty much a WLM here. It's so silly. It's so fun. It's 87 minutes. Oh, blissful.

Eighte seven. Very nice. Oh, yeah, a big recommend. An even bigger recommend for the movie that was going on in my head about those two scumbags from the beginning of the movie talking about whatever fucking weird thing they were doing. That right. That is a greater movie, but this is a good movie. Close second place. Yeah, I would say definitely it's recommend for me.

It is fun. It is dumb. It is crude. It is rude. Does it have attitude? It does. We could have better kills. Yeah.

But the ending kind of pays that off with Hendrickson and the dog being shot with a shotgun. Like just a dead body and him picking at it a little bit. Oh, sure. You make a big bad wound. I want this dog eating people, to be totally honest. I would recommend this movie, but I want this dog eating people. I was kind of surprised that it wasn't like the dog comes, the shotgun's not enough kind of thing. Sure.

because he used like a he spliced him with an armadillo and he had a fucking little like hard exoskeleton. That is man's best friend from 1993 directed by John Lafia who if I was him, I'd be like, yeah, I'm John Mafia. This sounds like Mafia.

Well, that was probably a nickname he was trying to get, trying to get started. Oh, and it didn't take off. I'd buy that. If you want more WHM, check us out over on the HeadGum Network. go over to WHMpodtest.com or go over to patreon.com slash we hate movies coming up this month. We are debuting a new patrons-only episode on Van Housing, a film that has been requested by you,

the listener, since day one of this show. And that's not all. Also, this month, we're doing the Smurfs Halloween special. That's not really a Halloween special, but it's a fun episode. Totally. Not only that, you unlock so many other episodes, Ready Player 1, Bright, Man of Steel, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance, Jungle to Jungle, sure. America's Sweethearts, many

others. We've been doing this for a while. You also get, I don't know, it's something like 26 maybe now. It's a lot of animation. A lot of it. And you'll also get the $8 level. You'll get some commentaries, which are great, some

twilightmentaries. We're actually doing the Nightmare on Elm Street remake this month. That's right. That is this quarter's commentary. It'll come out either late this mother early next but it's on its way baby absolutely so all this and more at patreon.com slash we hate movies now next week the the 2018 Halloween spooktacular continues steve sadak what is on the docket Halloween resurrection oh this is the one where buster rhymes does martial arts of some kind and it's back in the days when webcasts

we're going to take over remember webcasts remember podcast oh I do remember those are done. There's not much more in that movie aside from Buster Rhymes, to be totally honest. Oh, actually, Jamie Lee Curtis cameo at the beginning. I forgot about that. Well, that's the death of her character. Yeah. And one more recommendation, because it's not out yet, but David Goring Green's Halloween

is fucking awesome, you guys. But you know what's not awesome? Halloween Resurrection, which we will talk about next week as the spookacular continues. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen, say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. We all go a little mad sometimes.

You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes, death is better. The zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you. Coming to get you, Barbara.

He's sick for fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. Or create a... Put the fucking looser in the bag! That's an excellent day for an exorcism. That was a hate gum podcast.