We Hate Movies - S9 Ep387: Episode 387 - The Cat in the Hat

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

On this week's episode, the gang finds a way to drag out the Halloween Spooktacular for another week as they chat about the absolutely abhorrent, The Cat in the Hat! Why is Mike Myers doing Linda Richman for this Cat voice? How did that erection joke make its way out of the editing bay? And how did anyone think this was for children? PLUS: Ed Gein wins an Academy Award! The Cat in the Hat stars Mike Myers, Alec Baldwin, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin, Kelly Preston, Amy Hill, and Sean Hayes; directed by Bo Welch. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on We Hate Movies, you just may hear four grown men die of brain damage on the air. It's the cat in the hat. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'm Stephen Saneck. Chris Funderflug. Eric Thingtuska. Yikes, and we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, up top, this is The Cat in the Hat from 2003, directed by Bo Welch.

Uh, famed set designer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the only thing you remember about this fucking thing. The set design, it's like sub Burton. Well, that's, he did a lot of Burton. Yes. Uh, Batman Forever.

Or Batman Returns, rather, was him. Now, what is Dom Burton? So we got the sub, like the dominant bird. Ooh, yeah. David Cronenberg. I guess so. It would have to be more Burton than Burton. Yeah.

More Burton than Burton. Maybe Tobupper. I just cannot imagine Tim Burton being a dumb, though. Dude's a sub. Dude's a total sub. Not on Halloween. This feels like Halloween, by the way. Like I said, some of them said last week,

like this Brutacular is continuing. It certainly feels like it. I was fucking horrified during this movie. Speaking of Hucking, speaking of fucking horrified, being horrified, I just want to quickly tell our listeners that this month's Patreon episode

on patreon.com, We Hate Movies will be Dr. Seuss's The Grinch that stole Christmas. How the Grinch stole Christmas? You butcher, you barbarian. Oh, that must have been fucking some people up at the Blockbuster there when that movie came out.

You want to put it under G and your manager's like, Terry, the fuck is wrong with you. It's an H movie. Were they real sticklers for that at your Blockbuster? Mine was a Wild West, dude. Will you be serious? This thing had its own display. People were sent to this movie.

It was the wall, yeah, it was the total wall. But these movies are a piece, and we're doing both of them this month. One on the main feed and one on the Patreon feed. That's right. It's exciting. Now, it was funny because when we were talking about the Grinch, which we recorded before this. So this is the tenses here may be a little out of order. So bear with this.

But on the Grinch episode, I talk about how I was just like an usher at the multiplex when Grinch came out. When this came out, I was a projectionist at this point. So I had actually seen more of it. of this movie. Yeah, thank God, dude, get away from those fucking disgusting customers on the floor. The cold isolation of the plebs. No, but like, so when this came out, I was a projection as I saw a lot more of it, but like

seeing it in bits and pieces, I could, and mostly like the end credits in the beginning, like a few minutes or so. You can't even put together, like what this. I had no idea what I was in for. Because it's not a movie. The story itself is not a movie. It's a book that helps kids learn how to read. a cat in a hat i get it that's cute oh he's a silly little cat in the hat are you talking about it's over well wait a second in that book there's no fucking lurid child abuse there's no lurid child abuse there's no mom getting

fucked on the side by alec baldwin no cat wanting to fuck the mother does that actually happen though does alec Baldwin succeed in that mission oh in this movie says no but like i guess the subcontents like the scene between scenes maybe there's some wait a second you were to believe that Kelly Preston's a virgin in this movie? She's got two children. They were immaculate conception. Oh, but you're saying, though, just Alec Baldwin as the boyfriend. She was visited by a cat in a hat, came down from heaven.

Look, you get fucking. You're pregnant with God's child. Exactly. Oh, yeah. The Holy Ghost was this cool swinger from outer space who put the baby in her through sexual means. Yeah, that makes sense. That one makes sense. I think you want to add non-sexual means to that.

that's what they tell you, but, like, right, it's the Holy Trinity. You got, you got dad, you got the son, and then you got dad's cock, which is the Holy Ghost. I'm not sure if it's going to be sexual on Kelly Preston side, on the alien side. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's very sexual. Sex aliens and from God. So right away from like... That's Scientology? It might be. I haven't read their literature. Dude, I think it, like, an illustration of Zeno is actually just the cat in the hat. I'm the final level. Can you believe it?

You spent $70,000. It's a cat, that surprise, you broke. It's Tom Cruise. Oh, yeah. All right, let's just, fuck what I was going to say before. Let's just get into it. This performance is deplorable. And, dude, take a shot every time he just goes, oh, yeah.

Dude, I wanted to jump out a window. This is, I think you said it via text, Andrew. It's a debasing performance. It's very much the equivalent of, like, somebody that, like, did a real Broadway play, like really made it. Was in Susico, for Christ's sake. But failed and had to go back to his town and then has to go do like kids' birthday parties.

Oh, Raj. Ghostbusters too. Exactly. It's very ghostbusters. Oh, my God. It's humiliating. But that's exactly right, though, dude. This performance, even though it's in a multimillion dollar movie.

Of course. I'm sure he made oodles for it. He just looks, sounds, and feels like a children's birthday party performer. Yes, exactly. That's exactly what it is. I heard it's somebody's birthday here today. I don't think he had a drug problem. Oh, yeah.

But a drug problem is the only thing that would at least make sense. Dude, there are, listen. A cat needs snow. A cat needs snow. I tried, dude. Hard as I might, Andrew couldn't fight the fact that there was not enough weed in the house to make him fucking pay attention to this movie. Just like, I felt my brain.

dissolving inside my skull because again I mean like the the Grinch at the very least it's got a story structure it's got the very least it's set around I mean and I'm talking about the book that you could turn into a possible movie sure there's like a thing you know the Grinch wants something he tries to do it and then he learns

something and then he doesn't do it this is literally two kids sitting around a house on a rainy day and then like the cat comes around fucks around for 12 does he fuck it up does he like destroy the house yeah he messes it up and they're like oh no cat you piece of shit he's like well here you go let me fix the house and nothing and no one's ever the wiser end of book didn't you learn

how to read or not that's it so there's no like them learning lessons about like how to be good siblings to each other any of the things that they learn just listen to fucking mom okay that's literally the whole thing you kids better straighten up quit horsing around i'm dr seuss god damn it i need a bound of catnip oh yeah dude the oh yes i just can't it's like someone's fucking goose in his ass every time he says it. Oh, yeah. Oh, and ooh. Ogoose again. Oh, yeah. Jesus. So there was a cooling system in the cat suit as I read. Was there a goosing system as well? Yeah, dude, this is a little, it's actually like a sousified little glove. It looks like the hamburger helper guy. And it just goes, Hong Kong. And according to this, the IMDB Tribune trivia. Oh, shit. America's

greatest source for entertainment news and tidbits. That's right. New List. Listeners might not know we call the IMDB, the IMDB Tribune or just the Tribune. I feel like people are getting really lost in this podcast. I just called it the news for the longest time. I was reading the news earlier today, Chris. And I saw that his cat in the hat suit consisted of human hair. Oh, fuck you. Manson's shit, man.

From all my victims. Okay. Oh, yeah. They suffered. Here's our wardrobe designer, Ed Gein. He's going to get really creative with it. You won't put real teeth in that cat or quit? I think it was a combo of human hair and something else.

Yes. But the human hair stood out to me. And baby hair. When I read that, what is he has a baby hair? I mean, the shoot is all going to be college girl tan. You know that. That's gay. That's gang and you know them.

They just were shaving live dogs and putting the hair on this suit. Oh, man, Ed Gein wins an Academy Award for the Cat in the Hat. That'd be amazing. Oh, fuck my mother. Fuck my father. Hey, both them. Thank you for the Academy, though. And you know what?

They've been great. They've been great to me. By the way, Colleen Atwood, you could shuck my dick because I won an Academy Award. That's right. It's me, Ed Gein. Dude, speaking to which, though, the fucking, speaking to the crew of this movie, winning Academy Awards, did you see who shot this thing? Who?

Oh, yes. Emmanuel Lubeski. Gravity, Revenant, Birdman, Children of Men and many more. Like, what the flying fuck? This prepared him for gravity because that movie's all computers, right? That's all just

cartoons. That is true actually. That's great. It's Sandra Bullock in the fucking thing. And, you know, she finally gets the Soviet station or whatever, or the Russian station's like, I don't know how I'm going to get home. And the cat in the hats outside. Oh, yeah! Let me in. I'm suffocating.

No, no, you can't do. You want to have some fun tonight? You can't do that. that to her. That's like Pontypool. She'll go crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, great movie, dude. Pontepool. Let's get this party started. Well, I'll get you home with an earthymographic thing of a jigger. And by that, I mean,

open up the gate. He, by the way, we should mention, we're kind of doing a little toned up. We're doing snaggle pussy. He is doing Linda Richmond from coffee talk. Yeah. Like, hardcore. Like, I think fucking Lord

Michaels has a suit here. it is so bad like from the beginning and like the worst oh the other thing it does is it's constantly excusing its own jokes yes that's like half of the fucking jokes in this way explain explain kind of like saying like like um the perfect example is when he's under the bed with them okay and he's just like you're supposed to run now yeah uh because he's yeah he says something stupid and they just sit their dull face. Or like he'll say something stupid and then be like, what, nothing, folks?

Really? Nothing folks? The talking to the camera in this movie is outrageous. I don't even, like, maybe the Grinch does it a couple times. He is having like full on dialogue with the audience. Because there's nothing here. There's no story that children are just bored. That's it.

Well, I guess so they do add some high stakes that mom's fucking job is on the line by Sean fucking Hayes. Right. So let's cover that part. So the mom is Kelly Preston. She works at, uh, uh, uh, uh, it's a real estate office. Lunderflue. Yeah. Real estate. That's your name. Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, that's you. Who am I going to give Chris Runderfleum? Million dollar check. That guy deserves it.

Uh, the boss is Sean Hayes, who's like this germaphobe maniacal. It's like Howley Mendel Inc. Oh, man. That'd be a terrible place to work. This whole movie is like a, some type of Howie Mendel horror. I think Sean. Hayes is the only one that has a right though, dude, because I need fucking hand sanitizer all throughout this movie. I wanted to be drinking it. Putting it in my eyes. One of those movies where I was like pausing it every like

seven minutes just to take a breather. It does. It builds up on you real quick. I stopped. I was like, no, dude. I had that moment where you're like, let me just pause to see how much. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It'll go by faster if you don't know.

Because you'll be heartbroken. You'll be heartbroken with the information that comes back to you. the number. Even if it's five fucking minutes, it's a collusion. I'm sorry, I have to know. I'm a man of impulses. I fucking got to know. So also they live in the town of Anvil. Yeah, we start with like a fake Dr. Seuss

narration by just nobody. Just some dude. I was totally misremembering this movie, by the way. I thought, and my wife pointed out I was conflating it with Royal Tannenbaum's. I thought Alec Baldwin also narrated this movie. I had no like understanding that he was in it. The fighter flubes lived on

Archer Avenue. Actually, that's a great point because Wes Anderson is kind of like the modern Dr. Seuss. That's right. He dresses exactly like. Exactly. All of his stories are fantastical at all. It's surreal. There's no way that he would have that jacket and

it would have that pink color on the wall. The densest tweed. Several layers of tweed. Corderoi in places you didn't know you could stick corduroy. I'm the cat in the hat. What am I going to do with this master's degree? I'm overeducated and underpaid.

Oh, boy, do I love Paul Simon. Cat, I'm dying. The fuck you can. I was kicked out of academia. You know why. Oh, no, that's dog's blood. But yeah, well, we have this, like, fake, like, we're going to know what the town of Anvil is like. Like, who gives a flying fuck?

Why do I need a town? Yes. just post up the one I don't know I don't need to know where they live I don't need to know by the way a fucking detail that Dakota Fanning

drops later in the movie and it's supposed to be a joke is that the town of Anvil specifically I guess is a constitutional monarchy okay a lot of weird politics jokes in this movie

I gotta tell you because this is a grab bag of who is it for the answer is fucking nobody and you just stuff in whatever you can wherever you can stuff it devil's advocate here they're painting

a picture they're showing you the town would you prefer it in like just a darkened void I would prefer I felt like I was in a darkened void while watching it's nowhere because I would not watch it in a darkened void I wouldn't read watch it with the noid I wouldn't watch it

well he ruins pizza you can't watch it yeah yeah but like let's say it was like under the skin and instead of Scarlet Joe Hans the cat and the hat leads you down into this darkened cellar that's That I would watch. Yeah, I would watch.

And then he makes you take your clothes on. Yes, dude. You watch somebody, like some fat dude just like tumble into the blackness? Yeah. And it's just the cat in the hat like, got you again. He's just getting collected fat dudes. Let's fuck. I'm killing all these fat Scottish guys.

Oh, I'm on fire. Yeah. Better movie by far under the skin, under the cat skin. You're right. I thought it wouldn't be, but it really is. but yeah I'll tell you one thing that's not in this town

black people there's no not at all not even a hair of one one mover oh congratulations so a character doing manual yeah exactly

oh thank you for this NWACP award well you know to play devil's advocate a little bit the cat is black and white yeah there is that

uh huh he is uh-huh yeah I know clearly so the mom is I guess in charge of hosting like this month's office

get together yep I don't know what this is because it appears as if Sean Hayes is forcing the employees to hold his work parties at their homes I guess it's like an open house because it's real estate but it doesn't make any sense

but she's not selling her house I know that's a really good point. I don't get it. But then the other thing is he's a neat freak, as we kind of said, but he just fires somebody immediately that tries to shake his hand. So you know, the stakes are very high here. They're so high. And Sean Hayes has taken this

performance for a walk. Well, he's got two performance in this movie, dude. So he's got to see which one can outact the other one, because it's this and then it's voicing a goldfish. I think on the Grinch, I said I hadn't seen this and I never tried to see this. I was lying. In fact, I had tried

to. And I got, as far as hearing him say, feed. Yeah, he's like, you're fired. You're fired. Oh, yeah. And I immediately turned it off. Dude, he's like he's doing an earnest impression.

Could not get past it. Hey, Vern, you're fires. Dirk. She would never fire burn. So, yes, Alec Baldwin is Kelly Preston's boyfriend who lives next door. Yeah. Well, they're not really boyfriend and girlfriend yet. It's like the game had just begun, right?

How is the game just begun, but he's also like, Listen, stupid. Your fat son should go to military academy. They've definitely been together for a while. Do you think so? They have to have been with this kind of discussion. There's at least been a hangy. I won't hear otherwise.

I won't listen to it. Don't try to fucking convince me. I will not jerk your dick in here. I will not jerk your dick in there. I will not jerk your dick anywhere, Alec Baldwin. Now get out of it. of my Seuss House. I thought it was all this con because he's got like dentures

and like this big belly that like is a secret. I thought like he was waiting to like to like really sink his teeth in this family in order to let it all. You can have sex with a shirt on. Yeah. Is that true? Sex shirt. Is it science? It's a choice. Dude, you can leave your shirt on

at the water park and you can leave your shirt on while fucking. Yeah. That's my favorite Dr. Seuss. By the way, I think this is one of the greatest Acting transformations of all time because there's, yeah, there's a scene where Alec Baldwin is revealed to be

not who he says he is and like Eric said he takes out dentures and takes off this girdle and whatnot. You see Alec Baldwin before your very eyes transform right into Daniel Baldwin. It's fucking, because they give him this like prosthetic gut and he's like sticking his finger in the belly button.

Yeah, it's very disgusting. And his TV gets repossessed, much like Daniel Baldwin's TV is repossessed. Well, here's the thing. Where does he actually, where does, where does, Where does Alec Baldwin become thick? Because this is right before this.

It's around the cooler. It's here. It's happening earlier. It's starting to happen. It's happening! This is one of my favorite. He's still got thin face, though. It's thin.

It's thickening, though. Yeah, it's thickening a little bit. Compare this to something like Beetlejuice, it's night and day. Well, yeah. Or even, even when he was. Hunt for Red October. Working girl. Exactly.

That's what I was going to say. But I'd like this. I like this. What was that? Malice, the film Malice. I think he said he played a mouse. Which is ridiculous. I'm a fucking mouse

Yeah I've voiced a fucking cartoon mouse I like this era Because it's you know It's it's it's like the decay of handsome Like it is like it is like You're on the edge of a cliff Two wheels of that car are off And it is just about to go

And I love looking at it Much like Beetleju's by the way It's death of Beetlejuge It sounds like a joke But it does seem like his skull has actually thickened Yeah It looks like his head is bigger Yeah something happens

That happens to a lot of men as they get older. My head can't get any bigger, man. Just wait, dude. I'm going to have to install a system to be able to walk around the street. We'll get you a wheelbarrel. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm pumpkin head. Chris Cabin, Eric Siska.

But what's weird, though, is like, then he married that woman, and, like, she's really into health and yoga and stuff, and he became, like, a vegetarian, and he's, like, he's slimmed down again. But the head, it's like, it's only as far as it'll go. I don't understand it. When you get older, like, the earth spins and gravity just pulls your face and your skull. Does this head get stuck in a vice? That's what happens to everyone.

Like, you just, like, it gets thick and not. It becomes like cartilage. Like, all your flesh turns to cartilage. I think his hair just hides one of those, like, on a beach ball, those things. And it's, you, oh, just his wife has to blow it up in the back. Oh, and then it gets inflated a bit. He's getting blown every day? Yeah, every day, man.

Every which way? So, um, we, we meet the kids. is Spencer Breslin and the other one is Dakota Fanning. My note for Spencer Brezlin was disgusting shit boy. Oh, come on. Because his face gets covered in

some type of dirt. Purple goo and dirt. It's disturbing. Whatever it was. When I looked at him, I wrote that down, but then it took me a minute to realize what I written down because I thought I called him a disgusting shit bag. I was like, that's not right. I wouldn't be that mean. Do you have the hand now? Michael Cain's the hand? I do.

It's a shit monster. But, yeah, Spencer Breslin's like the bad kid. He's very rowdy and bad. And then Dakota Fanning is the buttoned up one. Right, because Spencer Breslin, I should mention, very messy at the start of this film. He's a dirty boy. Yeah, he's like wiping his ass with his hand. I couldn't even believe it.

One way to call him a disgusting shit boy. He's duct-taping, like, junk food to himself and throwing himself down the stairs. He uses his mother's dry cleaning. Yeah. Wow. As like a sled. It's fucked up. He's like Dennis the Menace.

If somebody want to get this kid a fucking Xbox or what, dude? Like, you know what? Enough. Yeah. Like, she's got a little, what is this device? Is it a Palm Pilot? What is with the fucking Palm Pilot movies we've been talking about? We've been trying to get, we were trying to make that happen.

We're around the odds. It's still around. The ghost still haunts us. But at least she's got like a little device to entertainer or something. Like, she's not making her mother's dry cleaning a toy. why is it like she has a high-tech device and he lives in the fucking dust bowl fucking up all her groceries

she has to go to the fucking grocery store every day he's got a fucking like plastic ring that he's kicking down the street with a stick maybe because he fucks everything up this kid's dirty disgusting shit bird so it's like he's just ruining everything he might have had a game cube

yeah perfect time frame for a game cube actually and it just got destroyed from his disgusting shit behavior Well, that's what maybe she's like, I'm done wasting money on you. You can just play with dry cleaning bags. You get peanut butter on one more fucking controller, kid. I ain't paying for it. Because those controllers ain't cheap for some reason.

Just wedged in there, like it gets into electronics, and it's like this peanut butter in there. Come on, kid. So Kelly, you know what? Yeah, sure. There was a disgusting shit boy that actually buried my duck hunt gun in the backyard. Are you fucking kidding? What? This dirty fucking kid came to my.

house buried my uh my uh duck gut gun in the backyard was he he was dirty like pig pen kind of sort of man did he guard it wait did you did you know this person or like a wild link came into your home the jersey devil he's going after the duck cut gun gun give it back well i said his name three times and he arrived oh that'll do it was he like just a friend that came yeah and he was like trying to be funny or something and it was like and then it just didn't work because he fucking put dirt in the goddamn holes

I mean like dude that shit don't work no more you can't put dirt in Steve's holes and expect him to work you know what you should have done dude you should have told on him oh I ain't no rat I've never been a rat did you make him pay up though you should have made him pay you should have hosed him down at least if he's his dirty filthy

little mongrel you have to fucking hose him down at least do you remember do you remember who he is we should visit him no seriously We should fucking, with interest. Get that fucking gun back. Look at what the price was, then figure out what the inflation would be. You can at least terrorize his mother.

Like, hey, your son. Hey, look at me, stupid. Your son buried my gun. 20 years ago. Yeah. Special one, it was orange. You stole my duck hood. But Dakota Fanning, I think she was a good kid actress, actually.

She was. She's good in this. I think she's great in man on fire. Man in Fire is a tremendously entertaining film. Is that the one with time travel? No, that's just, it's just, it's basically She's like the daughter of a rich person

And Denzel's the bodyguard Remake of a Scott Glenn movie. Yes, it's basically The Professional But there's no sexual tension between the child and the adult Yeah, that's probably the movie. I'm out. Still a lot of Bjork though.

I will stick with the professional, thank you. What is the a Tony Scott movie I'm thinking of though where he's like kind of winding back time deja, yeah, deja vu, yeah. I was going to say there's like an exploding boat for some reason in that movie. Jim Caviesel does it. Oh, is that right? Oh, praise the Lord. He's a terrorist.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, man. I've not watched any of her news. I never saw that neon demon. That's not her. That's El Fanny. Oh, gotcha. Dakota Fanning is a Dakota Fanning is an old hag these days. She can't find... No, El Fanning just makes more interesting

movies like Dakota Fanning was in the Ewan McGregor Philip Roth movie and it was clearly like a oh fuck my little sister's doing cool things I gotta try to do a cool thing and she's just like playing this like drug addled homeless girl Dakota Fanning is about a year and a half away from playing Kevin James

her ranged wife in something that will certainly be 24 that'll certainly be cancelled in a few what was the thing did you see that thing with that Kevin knows the world or whatever that fucking show was? Kevin knows best my friend where they fucking murdered his wife and then brought Leah Remini on? Wow, what a smack in the face to that woman.

They buried her in the backyard like a duck hunt gun. I'm going to bury you in the backyard like a fucking duck hunt gun. Listen, listen, listen. I'm a feral kid, right? And I'm going to bury your duck hunt gun. Burry you in the backyard like a fucking duck hunt gun. I'll just picture you like with the hose spraying this kid. So, oh, right, the cat and the hat.

So basically, Kelly Preston, oh, right. Kelly Preston's like, all right, listen to you rowdy kids. Like, I'm having this party. You know, you can't mess up the house. We're doing this, that, and the other thing. Clint Howard comes in playing Kate the caterer. That's a fun gang. By the way, is in both this and the Grinch movie.

Yeah, dude, he's got the monopoly on the sousaverse. I think he scammed his way in. Like, you know, Brian, they're making, they've got this, the cat and the hat all set up. They're doing the table reading, like, is that Clint Howard over there? I don't remember hiring Clint Howard. Do you? And then like, they go over it. It's like, oh, no, no, no.

The widow Sue said I had to be in both these movies. She just loved what I did so much in Grinch, you know. It's fine. You take it up with her. Just give me whatever roll you got. She was a big fan of my scene in the dentist. Is this all the cold cuts they got? They got more back there, you think.

Some pastrami, maybe. Widow Suis said I get to get. to have whatever I want for lunch. It's like when George quits that job, like in a huge fashion, it goes back in the bus. It's like, is that Costanza down there? Is that Clint Howard down there?

Could you bag up them M&M? I'll take those home. Are these free? Is that a Kramer line at some point? Yeah. Are these free? So, yes, she gets called back into work. There's some emergency we don't hear anything about

because the movie doesn't even care about that side of the story. We do briefly see her just like typing something. We have no idea what this work emergency is. She's like a real tour, but that's like, but that never leaves the office? That doesn't make a whole lot of,

it doesn't make sense at all. Make it something that has some weight that makes sense. A big presentation. Or you know, you look out the window and you see the twin towers are falling and she's a reporter or something.

Even better. Even better, I say. With a little agency. You're right. The Seuss universe should have come. commented on 9-11. I think that was a missed opportunity. I'll be our Connecticut is kind of the closest to the sousaverse of all the states, I would say.

I, what, do you think so? Maybe. What, is there any sucier state? Maybe Louisiana. That is pretty suzy. What? Why? Because they talk funny.

Oh. People down there just rhyming constantly. They get a babysitter in Amy Hill playing Miss Kwan. Oh, speaking of sign. She's on that fucking awesome episode where Frank Costanza is revealed to have had an affair with a Korean woman. She's that lady.

Yeah, she's hilarious. I mean, she's, you know, been in everything. She spoke ill of Mike Myers. Yeah, she did, which is great. Yeah, she said it was like the worst, like he was the worst to work with. He, like, refused to talk to anyone other than the director. Oh, that well, yeah.

And he would give actors notes on how to do their shit. Well, that whole the love guru stuff, whenever you heard those stories, they were just. Mariska Hargatay. Mariska Hargitay to you, too. Mariska Hargatay at my fucking funeral after my suicide from watching that movie. Don't you do that until we inevitably have to do it. So just wait.

Just don't do, don't say it. I've never seen it. I'm waiting until we do it. Wow. Yeah, I mean, the funny thing is, yeah, I begrudgingly admit that that's a stay tuned. It's the Ark of the Covenant. That's what that fucking thing is. Dude, that's the series finale.

How about that? I thought this was the series finale. With you every week is the series finale. I wish, man. I'm going to, yeah. stay tuned for next week might be the funeral episode it turns out that Eric buried himself in his backyard

like a duck hunt gun yeah I got I got dirt in my holes and now I don't work anymore true story so yes this woman comes over to be the babysitter and it's just this like running gag if she's like tired and clueless the whole time

we do get um she puts on the TV which I'm like it's raining and the kids have nothing to do and that's like the actual opening of the cat in the hat, which kind of doesn't make sense in any time after like 1995. Like kids don't give a shit about going outside. It should rain this whole movie. It should be constantly raining to keep them in the house. And that's why the whole story in the original manuscript was contained to that house.

The original folio had that, yes. But I guess they don't think it's suzy enough. They think it's got to be bright and colorful non-stop. No, it's just because they're stupid and they want to do something. Oh, where they have that is. Yeah, I think that. They do this thing where they show Taiwanese. parliament and it's like back in the thousands there there are people that were

that's when everyone's body slamming each other or whatever like it's actual footage but we're doing hya karate noise we're dumping highac karate noises on it that's fucking racist dr seuss and well yeah and the the woman is watching it as if she's watching like professional rassie yes kind of a thing and the and this is it's an obnoxious thing because like the kids apparently understand multiple geopolitical political situations, including what is going on in Taiwan Parliament at that moment? And just on that basis, the whole house is racist. Oh, yeah, you got a little right in there. I like it.

Oh. Good for you. I was trying. But now, they're under a constitutional monarchy, so they're obviously not in the United States. So those kids would generally be better educated. Yeah, they'd probably speak at least two languages. Like, despite having a king and all that arcane system, but they still have an educational system. and healthcare and you know we have our you know department of education which funnels all of its money

to haliburton and sure at this point yeah almost all of it i would say that's the difference still getting it anyway yeah they're gonna get it it's just amazing that you know while watching dr sues i realized or uh watching cat in the hat i realize just how truly fucked we are here yeah you took the cat in the hat to make me really just click it'll do that to you she falls asleep oh i'm sorry oh i was just going to say the other thing is just like the movie has a bunch of of like intense intense quote unquote intense like fucking like child abuse in this movie

I was joking around about it on Twitter but like one of the things we should mention because it's important is Alec Baldwin he is threatening to like get the boy sent to military school but then also the boy has a falling out with the mother they have this argument about like she's like please don't use my dry cleaning

for sport and he goes I wish I had a different mom to which she screams back in his face well sometimes I wish the same thing. And I'm sitting here like, this is for children. Tone all of this down.

That argument needs to be like, you're grounded, go to your room. No, and that's the end of it. All of a sudden, where the wild things are. I'm waiting for the fucking arcade fire to kick you. Oh, are you kidding me? I thought this is the opening scene of Diane Lane has to hunch you down

because you have traps around the city. Oh, yeah! I have that on Blu-ray. watch it again. It's just, it's a good movie, but I'm like, you know what? I've never seen it. It's good. It's so good. Where the wild things are. Spike. Oh, it's great. It just looked too gosh dang sad. It is. It's very, very sad. I just had to hear Gandalfini in that, in the preview. And I was like, nope. Now try watching it. No, I know. It's even worth 10-fold. Gandalfini is cat in the hat. That's a better movie. Of course it is.

Him as the Grinch is better, too. Oh, that would be pretty great. Actually, you wouldn't have needed that Fupa. You wouldn't need anything. It's just naked James Gandalfini. It's just green. So we're watching Taiwanese parliament and then here we go.

The cat in the hat fucking shows up and this is an introduction to beat the band. He's a hider in the house. Oh, you think he's been there the whole time? He comes up from the upstairs. Oh, does he? Yeah.

When they open the closet, he appears on the other side of it. Oh, that's right. I guess he lives in the attic and he probably killed the last residence and ate them by the way and then slinked away and like into that

he's still in the house so they never looked they were looking for the killer outside there's a bunch of skeletons and one of them was holding a contract in its hands yes

a lot of cans of beans oh yeah many with the human flesh and he's not on screen for two minutes there's a fucking erection joke it's not it's not It's not two goddamn minutes. He gets a big boner.

He looks at pornography. He looks at a picture of Kelly Preston. He's like, oh, this is your mother? There's a fucking foldout joke. Yeah, but it's like a magical, like he looks at the picture and then it turns into a foldout. It looks, it's supposed to be dead. And he steals it. He, like, puts it in his magic bag or something.

The hat, his fucking turgid cock hat just fucking blips up. Dude, it gets rid to lick his crotch to later, I guess. This is so crazy. So his penis is on his head. It's on the top of his skull and it shoots up the hat. Well, I think his hat here is much like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, dude. It's like a sentient being. Wait, that hat was a boner?

No, well, the hat just knew like what was up. So like this, the cat and the hat hat, like maybe it's just that hat is what's sexually attracted to Kelly Preston. Do you think the sorting hat got horny occasionally? Absolutely. Well, well, you're going to be in Gryffindor. Or if you want to be in Slytherin, you can talk to me later. Oh, look at this. It's a new defense against the dark arts teacher.

How about I sort you, baby? Well, just put me on top of a new cap with a flat real. Just let me feel it. Hey, lady, do you ever make it with a hat before? Yeah, fuck you. I was cursed. I used to be a man. Now I fucking tell children what dorm they sleep in.

Of course I'm horny. Don't worry. It's just sex with me. It's just me yelling at you from the corner of the room. You know, I'm going to be in one of those fucking fantastic beasts movies. I was probably somebody once. Man, Chris, you just made me realize I've had sex a lot. So the cat in the hat breaks out with his phonometer and determines that,

that Dakota Fanning is a control freak And that the boy What's his name? Randolph Conrad. Conrad. Equally weird. She's what, Sally? No, I got disgusting shit boy. He's old now. It's fine. Yeah, but you know what, dude? When you were a little kid,

I bet you looked like a fucking disgusting shit boy, too. Without a doubt. You probably buried Dunk Hunt Guns. I buried all kinds of guns in the yard. Don't worry about it. You got buried these guns in the yard now because when the Lord comes, you're going to need to dig them back up for the government.

That's right. Before Grandpa Siska gets the sledge. That's right. We need to be prepared. I understand. Conrad, the cat says, by the way, is a bedwetter. But for whatever reason, the cat can't bring himself to tell him that the phenomena says that he's a bedwetter?

He sees it very clearly. No, the cat sees it, but he doesn't tell the cat. Spencer Breslin see Conrad sees it very clear But then why does the cat lie to him about it? No, he's like, no, can you tap? He openly says, hey, can you tap that? Yeah, like basically the thing is broken.

Oh, the cat, oh, he asks that? Yes. Oh. But the thing is. And then the cat's hat gets an erection. Yeah, again. It just keeps getting hard. Can I tap that?

Do you think Spencer Breslin was upset when Abigail Breslin got nominated for the Oscar? Yeah, just like how, Dakota Fanning is livid constantly that L. Fanning keeps making cool movies. Oh, I forgot. These are two little kid dynasties. Yes, absolutely. And both of the kids in this movie are nothing while the siblings are something. Yeah, that Dakota Fanning, she just did that alienist show. Which people said was good, and I can't speak for it.

You both watched it? But actually, Spencer Breslin, much like... Steve Dodge that question. The fuck was that? I will not answer that. I will not tell you if I watch D&D's the Alien. Sir, move along. No, I, uh, no, I watched like two episodes.

Oh, I see. It didn't do it for me. But Spencer Breslin, actually, much like his, uh, his, uh, his, uh, his, uh, his, a catchphrase in Disney's the kid. Which was what? I'm the kid. No, it was, I grew up to be a loser. Oh, right from the, ripped from the trailer, they say. That's true.

It's true. Ripped from real life. Is he acting anymore? I don't think so. I'm sure. I'm sure he's a harsh burn, man. That was me going out of my way to make a harsh burn Get him get Spencer to the burn ward with that

So he has Quite a disturbing musical number here Where he's dressed up like a Chiquita banana looking Mascot Scarrier than anything I've ever seen Scary than anything in this boot jacket I'll tell you that much

Rubbing his watermelon butt I almost die Yeah dude he's got like shiny watermelon ass and he's rubbing it. He's rubbing it like a fucking animal. Like, oh, he's a cat, man. He's a cat. Yeah, but, well, please.

And it's a bad gang's all here reference. Like, everything's better yet. Oh, yeah, wow. I missed that initially. It's bad. What with trying my best to green out for this movie? And basically, he's like, well, we're going to have a lot of fun today, but first

you got to sign my contract. Oh, man, listen up. Kids at home. Never sign a contract. And adults puts in front of you when parents aren't around. This contract scene is very 50 shades of gray to me.

You know what I mean? Now we're going to sign this contract. There's a contract in that movie? Absolutely. Yeah. It's a sex contract. It's a sex contract.

Yeah. Really? Sex chaldron. I thought they closed that place. Maybe it's a dating contract. No, it's a sex. It's a sex contract. I could do this,

that and the other thing and you got to take it or something. Is that part of the kink? Yeah. It's part of the game. Wow, man. Paperwork. What a hot fucking kink.

Yeah. Must be nice to have that be a turn on. Sign those fucking documents. I'm so hard. Look at my hat. Look how hard my hat is with those documents. If that was like one of the little Murdox.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Little Murdox, they cut your tendons. Come play with us forever. At our news network. I do, Chris, I do like your notion about maybe the cat in the hat is a furry. That would be a good twist in this. Oh my God.

It's just a guy. That's awesome. Yes, dude. And it's the same thing. One of the kids is going to the bathroom and they open the door and it's just a cat the head's off and it's Mike Myers

and he's fucking taking a piss. Just a fucking human dick. Didn't expect to see a human dick when I walked into this litter box. Oh man, I've been there. And he has the weird human butt when he pretends to be a mechanic.

Oh, right. He does. See, that's a hint. Yeah. I think we know what's happening. I also think he's taking a shot at Larry the cable guy in that scene. Oh, probably.

Larry was top of the charts. It was 2003. Wow. Way to be fucking. throwing stones, Mike Myers. You're making the cat in a hat. Honestly, I'll tell you this. He's not saying a bomb is a hoax.

That's actually true. And making fun of Coach Carter fucking 15 years after that movie came out. Hey, look, they're good people. They would never send a bomb to Hillary Clinton. By the way, everybody's sending a bomb to Hillary Clinton. That's a joke. Actually, the best part of that whole thing

was when he's talking about how the dude didn't spell get her done. right on the thing and he says he sent a tweet and my fans would spell that right. Are you fucking crazy? Do you know the swamp people that love you?

You fucking animal. To his credit, he probably just assumed well they would obviously have one of his bags of cheeseburger flavored potato chips lying around that hasn't written on it 15 times. All right, I'm going to write, get her done on the bomb. Let me check my box of Prylasek

OTC to remember how it's spelled. Okay, okay, okay. Who do you think is easier on set, Mike Myers or Layer of the Cable Guy? 100%. He's probably a dream on set, I bet. Oh, yeah. And let me throw this out there, too, because I am confident in saying this. Every Larry the Cable Guy movie we have done on this program,

whether it's jingle all the way to Health Inspector, Whitless Protection, whatever the fuck, Tooth Fairy 2, they are all leaps and bounds better than this movie. They are. They are. Prove me wrong, kids. What was the super racist one we did last? That was Whitless Protection. It's tough. But that is like a remarkable movie.

So I can't really. I got to say they're more watchable. They are. At least when I was watching them, I was like, well, it's a movie. This is nothing. This is a pamphlet with dog shit inside it.

They signed the contract. One of the jokes, by the way, in this contract, they pull off form that says that the cat and hat has indeed been spayed and neutered, which means probably his hat can get an erection, but his dick is gone.

Oh, yeah. Just a nice fucking, my balls are cut off joke for the kids in the back. Is it my balls are caught off joke? He's talking about fucking lactose intolerance. He's like, oh, I can't have milk. It'll gum up the works. And this is around where he burps all over them and shit falls out of his mouth. Hair balls.

Oh, the hair balls. Why would you do it? Children get facials in this movie. It's like a snot from Ernest Scared Stupid. It's like the gooey's fucking thing. He vomits four times in this movie. Four different times he vomits. You don't vomit four times a day?

Dude, if you vomit four times a day, that is a serious problem. You know, he signs a contract that he's like, hey, how about a fun sketch where I do an infomercial? And everyone's like, no! And he's like, well, too bad. It's going to happen anyway. Oh, yeah! Saturday Night Live! Oh, yeah!

Dude, what is greater than one cat in the hat? Three cat in the hat's on screen at the same time? And a Shrek in a hat. What? You got to dust off that fucking Scottish accent. You got to bring back Shrek? Oh, the Shrek go back.

Yes, he's due well. That's funny, though, because, like, you heard Shrek, I just heard him kind of, he's trying to do, I heard it as, like, a bad, like, Robin Leachy, like, hoity-toity English person voice. Or like the father and Smyrd and Axe matter. That's closer to that, yeah. He'd! I mean, it's heavy Scottish, and that's just what Shrek is. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't hear, I mean, again, I was trying my best degree. I was like, oh, this pleasant Englishman. You want to make this movie worse, Shrek shows up, right? Just fucking Shrek's visiting. Well, later on, do there are certainly echoes of Shrek in this movie. We'll get to it. Anvil might be near the Magic Kingdom. That's why, or whatever in that place is called.

That's why it's a constitutional monarchy. Or maybe Shrek's king. Maybe Shrek is king. Converse theory, it's next to a nuclear power plant. Yeah. And everyone, cats are just deformed. Dude, and then so the fish that Sean Hayes' voice They should have three eyes like on The Simpsons

And those kids just eat nothing but lead paint They're just fucking The cat's not even talking They just drinking asbestos They're foaming at the mouth on the floor That's what they should do dude Is every once in a while in this movie Cut back to reality from this hallucination

And like Spencer Breslin's just gnawing on a wall Kelly Preston stewing drywall I gotta tell you man I had more fun watching that David Lynch Rabbits thing than this. Oh, yes. Of course, yes.

Rabbits is great. Fantastic. This is fun. It's actually more fun to watch. I see. Yeah, now I get where you're going. Rabbits is pretty harrowing, that's what I'm getting at.

What comes first, though, because we're talking about this infomercial sketch thing, which is fine, but we only briefly touch on it. I can't remember now the circumstances behind why he turns into that plumber. It's something. Because they're going to bounce on the couch.

Oh, yes, he was a couch mechanic. Oh, it's a mechanic. He's a mechanic. That's right. They're going to jump on the couch and he's got to, like, modify it. Fights a fucking elephant in the couch. Dude, that is fucking nuts. Like, the cushion flips up and this elephant trunk comes out and he's just grabbing this

fucking phallic trunk. Down there trying to find a fucking laugh. And he comes up with nothing, dude. You know what it reminded me of in Ed Wood, where Bella Lagoos. he's wrestling the fucking fake octopus and like Edwards directing him like it's just Mike Myers like grabbing this fucking

elephant trunk apparently he wanted out of this movie really badly like they had to sue him to actually do this movie no is that right yeah they like he Tim Allen was going to do it Tim Allen dropped out well I already played a shaggy dog rough rough rough

the cat in the head is rated X well he actually said that he's like I wanted to do the cat in the hat because the cat in the hat scared me and I wanted to make the cat in the hat kind of scary

and I'm like... He did well actually yeah and he dropped out because he was doing the Santa Claus 2 Myers signed on but then

Oh Tim Allen said he wanted to make it scary Yes Tim Allen wanted to make it scary He didn't succeed then Mike Myers succeeded succeeded where he failed but then he wanted out but then like it was too far along

so they'd like sue him to do this movie and he just hated every fucking second of it obviously I mean something about that is like you gotta figure something out because you can't just make a movie where this person who's in every fucking scene

more or less is being forced like with a gun to his head to do the cat in the hat like with the Grinch like you can tell Jim Carrey is just like Goose stepping through that whole movie and he fucking is having the time of his life Jim Carrying all over the place

sure and this is like not that like yeah he's clearly just ready to snap at any second. He's just, he's uncomfortable the entire time. You can tell he's just like, is it over yet or what? Oh, yeah. Call cut.

Seats done. Oh, yeah. I think the, oh, yeah. Like, if you go back and watch this, which I will not do. I think it's, I think it's a thing that we're probably every time he says, oh, yeah, it's like sarcastic.

And like, it's his way to get his energy up, like inside, just like, all right, just fucking do it. do it my oh yeah oh yeah spencer beefed the line again oh yeah another 12 hours on set oh yeah then we're just crying uh so whatever um yes he starts to cupcake infomercial cupcake infomercial we're just doing a sketch the cup takinator yeah the cup canainator thing and he's putting hot dogs in there which i was like hot dog like hot dog cupcake maybe

higher extinguisher well that's where it gets a lot that's where the flavor comes from it's like liquid smoke yeah but it's just it's stupid because like yes he's doing like a scottish english host of the thing yeah but then he's also doing a weird like he looks like fucking geoffrey dumber it's like the cat the hat but there's a blonde wig on and he's got boxy like glasses from the americans he's got like a cosby sweater on yeah and he's got a passport with that guy's photo in it absolutely you know what i thought i thought about stewart oh yes it's Yeah, Al Franken Stewart character. It kind of looks like that also, yeah.

And the two of them are talking while the third cat in the hat is in the audience, quote unquote, with the two kids. And these kids, you can just see their souls being shattered. They have no idea what's going on. What am I talking? How is this fun for me a kid? And this is where, like, the English-ish cat in the hat is, like, threatening this other guy. And there's a lot of, like, what if I killed you jokes? And I just, I'm flashing back to, like, 2000.

like if you're a parent in this auditorium with your kids like oh I've made a huge mistake like how many refunds were issued that's so early I mean that's like probably around the fucking erection joke as soon as he jumps out up against his leg people did like

boner jokes parents and kids are like 2003 they loved it nobody loves a classic boner joke more than this guy speaking right now but not placing it in the fucking cat the hat movie come on

no place for boners in the Seuss world. And if you're going to do a furies movie, do a furries movie. Sure, I'll watch it. You can talk about furry boners till the fucking cows come home. An update of Meet the Feebles. Let's do it. Come home, man.

So the cow furries show up and they start coming. That's exactly right. But it's just, it's the whole thing is uncomfortable. Yes. Like you're just like threatening. It's like, you know, I'm going to, what the fuck does he say? It's like, I'm going to hurt, hurt, bury you in the desert or something like that. Cool.

Now I'm just thinking about casino. I'd rather watch casino five times in a row than watch It's a better children's film Sean Hayes is a fish As well He's doing the voice And why make that decision

Right there are movies Like Wizard of Oz Right all the fucking characters Are actually people She knows in real life And that's like the thing Why is the fucking Mom's boss

Also the voice of this fish Maybe somebody backed out Okay Sean well we got you On a schedule man Sean Hayes is like Stepping into his fucking car and it's like Sean, we just need you to come back

just run some lines for the ADR real quick I don't remember saying any of this Oh can you do it as a different character just for fun We got a lot of shit parts like this We're going to have them for a lot of other movies And we could ask you any time

There is It's not a legitimate laugh But it's almost a legitimate smirk That I got out of this movie Don't you dare A muscle in your face almost twitched. Yeah, so what upward is when

the fish starts saying, no, no, don't do anything. And like, oh my gosh, the fish can talk. And Mike Myers goes to him, he's like, yes, the fish is talking, but is he saying anything? And I was like, ah. No, you were wrong. I appreciated the timing of the joke. I was like, you were wrong to smirk at that.

I hear what you're saying, Steve, but I looked the other way on that line. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, I'm going to vote against that. Yes, but did we talk about in... The joke has been stricken from the record. the Cupcakeinator sequence, he cuts off his own tail. Yes. Oh, right.

And then he does, he screams son of a bitch. But it's censored, kind of. Yeah. Yeah, how do they do it though? I thought that was going to be a thing. I thought that was right up your alley. Is it a bleep noise? Is it an awuga? It's a bleep. It's just like a, br-oh, like

we're on television. You can't say that on television. But he's just screaming, son of a bitch in front of a bunch of children. And presumably in the room, I mean, the fake TV of our imaginations bleeps it but in the room he's actually screaming right he's just shown up to this kid's house

cursed up a fucking blue shirt yeah and he's mutilating himself he's like hey kids watch me cut off pieces of my body that's a very specific fetish now I'm gonna eat it oh yeah and exposing his sexual desires to them fucking stealing a picture of his mother for his jerking off later and showing his ass to them

yeah and sniping the tip of his tail there also probably a part of the fetish I think it definitely is this guy's no good so he takes the cupcakeinator and it's like this whole thing where you think like this thing is gonna make these cupcakes

and he takes this appliance and he's like now we put the whole thing in the oven and it like explodes or whatever and this is around the time I wrote a note that just says this can't be real

I thought I was getting punked by Amazon and I was watching a fucking fake movie and you guys were gonna get him out and be like gotcha we fucking teamed up with Jeff Base also put this fake movie on.

We did. We also used time travel. Perfect. So this is where, I mean, I don't even know how to describe it, but they bring in from the book, thing one and thing two. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. And if these two, like, gymnasts,

I don't know what you know what women are. One of them is also known as chocolate thunder. And we just mentioned that. There's several chocolate thunder. So, so much more unsettling than Kronenberg. dead ringers as far as twins who do things or De Palma's sisters

either one take them this one is disgusting the prosthetic faces why I know I know Brazil yes this is the brood man we're in a brood central

I feel like you go on the side of the house is a big woman with like fucking these things coming out of her just popping off her sides it's her fucking anger is popping off her body Hit all the boxes. But yeah, they are fucking repulsive. And they like, they don't speak English.

They just like kind of mumbling shit and Oliver Reed's fucking screaming after them. You're gonna kill Oliver Reed. He was already had to be a computer in Gladiator at that point. They did, what they do the cupcake thing first is that they mess up the house is purple gag all over the place, which is just to see.

disgusting, and they're like, how are we going to clean this? Let me get my friends, thing one and thing two. This is, it just, it chills me. The cat in the hat actually, like, once you get used to his horrific visage, you're like, okay, I can watch this movie. I can never look at these things for more than 30 seconds. You're totally right. You're totally right, Steve, but let me just counter your cat and the hat thing because

I thought the same thing. I was like, all right, my brain has tuned in to what this cat in the hat looks like in this movie, and you accept it, much like the Grinch, right? Yeah, yeah, sure. But there is a moment in this movie where much. Mike Myers, like, I don't remember what it is or what the circumstances are, but he sticks his tongue out of his mouth. And you just, at that moment, at least I did.

I realized that I was like, oh, fuck, that's a human's mouth. And, like, I was back to stage one immediately. I was so disgusted by this. I kind of remember, like, yeah, well, you see, like, the inner workings of his weird human mouth inside this, like, cooling system? And this is why I will not be able to watch that new cat's movie. It is why I could not go see cats on Broadway. You're telling me it's an animal,

but it has a human mouth and I'm throwing up. It's barf from fucking spaceballs. That's what it is, and it's disgusting. The fucking kangaroos and tangoos and tang girls, they have human mouths. Barf in this movie would be so much better. Just make it barf in a hat. Too bad candy had passed away.

Dude, imagine he could cameo his barfew. Well, actually, in my big red interdimensional box, I can bring people back from the dead. That's right, I'm a necrime. Here he comes, John Kinty. Just like Dr. Seuss wrote. Yes, exactly. A new scum on their fucking bag.

Oh, yeah. Here comes Richard Harris. It would be awesome, actually, if in this movie, the cat in the hat is like, oh my God, we need to enlist some help. Let's see if one of my friends are around. And he opens a door, and it's Jim Carrey as the Grinch, but it's just that gag from

that X-Men first class, and it's just the Grinch goes, fuck off. And they close the door. Yeah, you do get one fuck. So instead they get Cinnabites. They get like pinhead in the boys. Because I feel like they're involved in this world. We are this close to a

Hellraiser movie. Well, he does have a box that is an interdimensional box. That's a puzzle box. Trans-dimension. I just wrote trans-dimensional something-something. Exactly. So these nightmares are running around the house. Voiced by Dan Castanella, by the way.

What? Really? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Just smear on his... You can anyone to do this. What? Why? How do you get Dan Castanella to get out of bed? That's all it is. I guarantee you he didn't get paid for it. Because money doesn't matter to those people. Of course, he's Simpsons rich, man.

Exactly. Like, they live in a world. There's like Jim Carey talks about in that documentary when he realized like money wasn't a thing he ever had to worry about. Maybe it was just he was the one who had to strangle the angry muskrat. Oh, Muscat Wrangler, Dan Castellaneta? Because that's what they sound like.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We didn't point it out, by the way, but the dog who's a featured character in this movie is voiced by Frank Welker. Of course. So, dude, you're getting Welkered from the jump in this movie, by the way. Much more graceful performance. Oh, absolutely. No one growls

like Frank Welker. It's nuanced, you know? I can understand the dog's motivation. They want to think two are really overacting. It was. It was just over the top. The dog motivation is please don't kill me on this set I don't want to die on a Dr. Seuss movie there is that weird fucking like

hereditary dollhouse shot of the house when they're fucking running around dude that'll be awesome if there's a scene they're driving down the road spoilers for hereditary with this joke they're driving down the road and like Spencer Breslin's like driving the car and Dakota Fanning's in the front seat

and they're like oh my god we gotta slow down and the cat and the hat's got his head out the window it's like this is great what a great time driving around infill, and then he just gets his head smacked into a fucking pole and it gets decapitated. That sounds right. I would watch that. That, I would watch.

So the cat and hats are fucking around. I mean, they're messing everything up. They're like, oh my God, every time we try to make this cleaner, it gets messier. And they get, Spencer Breslin goes into the closet and takes out two butterfly nets. I'm like, the fuck's going on. I don't know what hobbies they have on the weekends with those fucking things. I think Alex Baldwin shows up again. And by the way, his outfit, he looks like he's about to get rubbed out by prune face.

Like, this purple suit that he is walking around in. Yeah, he should be retired to Florida with this fucking thing. This is much better than the clothing he wears later, which is like a yellow pants and a yellow polo shirt. Snap pants. Oh, yeah, that's like, they're snap pants? Yeah, like you could, they're all snapped down on the side. You rip them off. That is very funny.

You have a pair of those at home. Oh, you're going to make my hat go big for a second. A lot of the Sopranos supporting characters, they were big on these. Called those free-balling pants. Pants, you freeball in. Comfort first. Interesting. Yeah.

So then you can just like just take off your pants. Whatever you want. Comfort first. Hype them right on. So people just do that? Yeah. You go to your office and you're just like, you know what? Pants, I don't think so.

Not today. It's kind of like you're wearing them like around the house, right? And you order a pizza. Okay. The pizza gets delicious. You received the pizza at the door. You only have the humility of wearing pants just to answer the door.

But then it's like, oh my God, thank God this pizza is finally here, swoosh, and you rip the pants off. Do you have these? I used to have a pair of Adidas snap pants. I don't have them anymore. But there are very few things in this life more thrilling than ripping off a pair of pants like that.

And if you are blessed enough to have an office with a door that closes and locks, I wouldn't know that pleasure. Nobody knows that pleasure anymore, I guess. but if you were to have that, you would want the snap pants because then you just get to fucking hang out in your boxers

and play on your computer all day. Yep. Which is what work in. Can you tell someone hasn't worked in an office in quite some time? Working in an office, it's like you close the door and you jerk off, right?

Oh man, I wish. Your lips to God's ears, dude. God makes it possible. Imagine if that happened. Thank you, Jesus. letting me jerk off at work. You wake up tomorrow. Everyone has snap pants

that have stains on it and everyone's just doing it. I'm just saying you see a person in the snap pants out in public. You got to question what's going on there. Exactly.

Because you just need one rowdy teen and you are humiliated on the street. I mean, I think call the police if someone needs to pull their pants off that fast,

they're definitely committing sex crimes. I see those, sex crimes. But the worst part about them was actually like buttoning them all back up. Yeah, that's the

You regretted ripping them off the second you were buttoning two legs of pants up again. It's like button fly jeans times a million. No thanks with the button fly jeans. Oh, I like them. I don't have time. I like them, yeah. I don't need to solve a puzzle when I got to take a piss. It's impossible

to X, Y, Z yourself. That's true. I mean, I guess that's true. So the cat in the hat specifies by the way, he's like, you got to keep the box close because there's a leak. And I was like, I wish it was a fucking gas leak. But like, The magic.

He mentions, like, this box is the doorway between their world and his. And this is, it's already overthought, but you are overthinking it. This is the hellraiser shit. Yes. Yeah, totally. A tick fucking bounces off his body and is the lock for the fucking. Dude, that's bizarre too. That was a tick.

I'm making a joke. I thought it was like a crab or something. I saw. But it's a sentient thing that turns into a metal lock. Right. What world are we talking about here? Beauty and the Beast of her? It's like, no, I think it's more

that, you know that Game of Thrones place? Nope. Yes. The House of the Seven, whatever, where all the magic people live. Right. I think, oh, fuck, are you stumping him? The House of the Seven where the Magic people live? Come on, Eric, what kind of fan are you?

It's the desert. And it's like where it's like season two-ish. Oh, we're going to be here a while. Where Danny goes to that place and the house of the black and white, which, no, no. The place is the face.

Is that? No, not the faces, but it's... That's the house in the black and white. Yeah. The seven is the Westeros like standard basic bitch religion. You're talking about... No, seven was the kid unmarried with children.

No, I'm thinking here. You're talking about that quarth. Yes. Yeah, where they go and there's all those weird, creepy magic people. She goes out in that house and everybody isn't what they seem to be. Correct.

The house of the undying. The house of the undying. I feel like in a corner of the house of the undying, you open a door and it's fucking the cat and the hat that's what I'm saying And then it gets decapitated

after committing incest I was slow to the pickup I read like 17 fantasy novels since I read Game of Thrones It's fair I've got a lot kicking around up here Wow

A lot kicking up here That's a lot of swords Oh man I would love it If the cat in the hat It's just dancing and fucking around And he's like oh my God I can never die

And then the fucking Night King throws a javelin An ice javelin Right through his heart Oh my God just like the prophecy, right? And then he becomes the ice cat in the hat.

He freezes over and now suddenly the cat in the hat's on the side of the undead. Oh, yeah. The white walkers. That crate's open all the time. Exactly. Oh, I'm going to break down the fucking wall with my ice magic now. Oh, yeah. Infinite things.

Oh, yeah. Eat shit, night's watch. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Just like, yeah, fucking hundreds of those little fucking things, but with blue eyes. Oh yeah, it's doomed Come on, Hodor, you got this Oh, yeah

I can help Hodor keep this door open Oh yeah Fucking echoing off Fucking miles away You just hear that Echoing because there's so many of them Oh my God I would so much rather die

By a white walker's hand Than see thing one or thing two in real life If I went home right now I'll tell you one of those has dignity That's very true But like can you I bet you if anybody, and I know people did, because this was one of those, like, I haven't seen this movie. I'm going to buy it on DVD.

I heard it's stupid, though. There's a fucking feature somewhere where we're just behind the scenes. And it's probably those two actresses. I think they were both played by women who are just in that makeup talking to the camera. And it's unsettling as all get out. I guarantee it. I can't handle it. I can't handle that level of face pain.

I'm sorry. So we learned that Alec Baldwin around here, this is where we learned he's a loser. he's really because basically he's trying to marry this woman because she's a successful realtor and we find out he is unemployed his television gets repossessed he's wearing a girdle like he's not the man who he says he is kind of a thing um around here he comes into the house he sees them all fucking around the cat in the hat like spooks him out of the house but the dog runs out yes that's that's kind of like if this had a plot and a movement this is the next movement right we got to get the dog so alec Baldwin is like oh perfect I'll go get this dog bring it back to

Kelly Preston. I'll be the hero and she'll want to get married and my financial woes are over. And I'll send that kid to military school. It's a very Bill and Ted vibe going on here. Absolutely. And then I'll take over Gotham. But at least fucking, you know, Ted's dad had the authority to send Ted to fucking military school. That's true. This guy, while maybe being the boyfriend legally, he's just the fucking neighbor. He's like, oh yeah, I'll get that dog and then I'll get on a sitcom for 10 years. I'll fucking I'll rule that for a long time and then maybe, just maybe, I can have

a mediocre Donald Trump impression that I could fucking milk for years. And years and years and years and years. Yeah, that's right. We are sending everyone in the country to military school. You're going to military school. Folks, military

school is back. Every school is going to be military school. Guns everywhere. Don't worry, everybody. Our border is secure. As we speak, the cat in the hat is on his way to the southern border, and he's just

going to freak everybody out till the caravan goes away. The hoovians, they're going to go. They're going to be out of here. I'm sorry. They just got to go. These hoovians have leprosy. These hoovians have leprosy. They're from another dimension, everybody. They're bringing thing

one. They're bringing thing two. They're thing too positive. You've got to get them out of here. Do we trust this Grinchman? Do we trust him? No, no, we don't. No, we don't. No.

The Grinch is funding the Democratic election. Send the Grinch a bomb. And by what I mean by that, I mean Coach Carter, which was quite successful. Oh, yeah, good one. That's a good one joke. Hey, good one, Prez. Oh, I want to die every day. It's the cool how we're not complicit in anything.

Talk to you later. Yack-K-K-K-K-K. Hey, cool. I'm terrorist by proxy If I didn't do this I wouldn't survive By the way Here's some fucking

Barbecue chicken Flavored fucking pizza snaps Oh yeah Oh yeah You'd get a big cat burp From that Oh big boy So like they're driving around

Blah blah blah The cat in the hat's like, who wants to take my super automatic car? Dude. And he brings out this big Humvee because it's 2003. Hummer. Hummer. That shit was what we wanted in 2003. It's like, oh, the widest car that nobody could ever touch.

That's right, dude. Fucking Operation Getter done was a total success. We won the war in Iraq. And now you get home and you fucking get your ass a Hummer, God damn it. I think we also hopped over the joke for the worst person in the audience. The dirty ho joke. Oh, no, that's right around here. No, we're getting to it.

Don't worry. We will slide right into that joke, Chris Cavan. So he takes, the Hummer thing is actually like a mirage. It takes it off. It's a big suzy rocket car. It looks like the fucking car that Homer Simpson designs. Oh, and they find a way to say shit. Oh, right.

Wait, what happened? Remember, so they say like, well, this one with a S-L-O-W. Oh, right. Oh, God. It was the original. originally S-H-I-D. The anagram jokes or the acronym jokes in this movie.

Just like Dr. Seuss wanted. Yeah. All this books were full of shit to children. Dude, this man is spinning around in his grave faster than a fucking washing machine in the goddamn spin cycle. Apparently the widow Sue saw this and she like flew

off her rock. Did her skeleton jump out of her body and run down the street? Yes. Wishmaster style. But then apparently that's why there hasn't been sequels or anything there has never been another live action Seuss movie after these two. That is the thing.

Like they learned with Horton, here's a who. This Grinch thing is coming out. Keep it to the fucking computer, man. Yep. Danny DeVito is the Lorax that you win me over. Very quickly with that.

Exactly. Oh, yeah. So they're in this neighborhood. They're hunting around for the dog. And this is a weird, like, they're going to jump over this fence into somebody's yard. And the two kids like push the cat

over the fence and he does he do a sideshow Bob like does he step on it or something? I think he just picks it up and he stops the movie dead he picks it up and he goes you're a dirty hoe he goes and I'll wait for the laughter

like he's just he's fucking grinning at the camera just like I have to it's like on when you go see theater and like if you're seeing like a comedy and there's like a joke that really plays and the audience is like clapping and like the actors on the stage

know that they need to like wait beat before they say the next line because nobody's going to hear it over the uproarious laughter. Yeah. That's what he does after this ho joke. He's like, it's the dirty ho. Oh, wait. But then he does like some like, I still love you, baby.

It's like some weird like pimp joke afterwards. Yeah. Yeah, I needed that. That's what you call a classic Mike Myers four-sided joke. The biggest asshole in your theater right there. Oh, I get it. Oh, hey, Cooney's making a hoaxie. jokes. And then hopefully he heals over and dies.

I hope we all die and die soon. So this is where Sally realizes, and this is not set up anywhere before, I don't think, that she has a friend named Denise who did not invite her to this birthday party. There's sort of something where on our way out, Kelly Press is like, oh, why don't you talk to Denise or your other friend or your other friend? All of these things, Sally is like, oh, I told her to do this, she didn't like me, I told her to do that, she didn't like me, that kind of a thing. You're right. You're right. But this is my favorite part of the movie Because for a quick second, I thought my troubles were over

Because they're like, let's bring out the pinata And the kids look, and the pinata's like on the ground next to them And they're like, what, what, what? And they look up And Mike Myers is hanging from a tree. And I was like, oh sweet, the cat killed him Dominic. It is. You see all these fucking these, by the way, did you notice on the, it's the IMDB, so it doesn't matter.

World's greatest sorts for entertainment news. The news. It was like, Martin Scorsese, Joe Dante, and someone else were considered to direct this movie. Considered. Considered. With the air quotes. That just means like, you know, be cool if we got Scorsesee to direct this. Well, moving on at this lunch meeting we're having at Subway.

Joe Jonti would be good. If you just count whatever the asshole in the room yelled out in the first pitch meeting. Yeah, get Morris Scorsese for this. Who fuck cares? Putting this movie together, I feel is a lot like that Key and Peel sketch about Gremlins, too. I think it's exactly that. But it just took place at a subway. Not only are you in the movie, but you're in the movie.

So the cat is getting fucking beat with these bats. I don't know why he chooses to play as the pinata. But he's being abused. And then this one little kid who's played, he's, oh, it's, oh, it's, oh, it's, oh, you're right. Oh, I love kids beating me in the face with a bat. Beat me. Oh, yeah. His hat is fucking hard as a rock.

No, but then this little kid who's played like a little weiner and other things. Sure, he's a little stinker. I don't know. Was he, I don't know. He's been on a bunch of stuff. This is not the disgusting shit boy. This is a different one. No, he looks like.

You're cool. He's the fancy shit boy. You know, it's fine. The kid's like fucking, I don't know, he's a military age by now. Oh, definitely. It's more of a goonter type. But this kid, he gets the fucking money shot, dude, because he runs up and hits this cat the fucking dick with this baseball bat. Oh, yeah.

My hat's now a full A. Blinken. Oh, yeah. My hat turned purple. Oh, God. my hat erupted. Oh, my God. All right, kids, we're just going to watch Netflix for the rest of the time.

I was done. The cat's bent. Maybe an hour, kids. Maybe in an hour. Let's order dominoes and just relax for a bit. Anybody got cigarettes? Oh, yeah. This kid is Stephen Anthony Lawrence,

and he was also in show. like cheaper by the dozen, the Will Ferrell kicking and screaming, bubble boy. You got a date of birth on this kid? 1990. Oh, yeah. He's definitely legal. Yeah, well, to make fun of.

I'll make fun of. Oh, yeah. Guys, get your head out of the gutter. Geez. Key trafficking. Oh, yeah. He's 28 now. He's 28. He's 28. He's 28. Good for him.

So, moving on, they find the dog or whatever. But Alec Baldwin gets the dog This is when Mike Myers needs to do a stoner joke That's one way to call this Yes It's just like him

He's got like dreads And he's like got like And he's like oh you know Who wants to save the It's like a fake charity or something Because it's fucking 2003 George Bush is in power And charity is hilarious

It's a thing where he's So they're like listen We need to distract Alec Baldwin Baldwin long enough that we can get him to like give up the dog or whatever. We'll like run away with the dog. So this is what he's, he's, it's supposed to be like a white guy with dreads, like college activist guy. Sure, sure.

Getting petitions to save the whatever animal. It's like some fake thing. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And he says something about like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And that's your dog there. Uh-huh. And the dog is like, keep me out of it.

Oh, that's right. Oh, God. And he turns to the. the camera and he goes, oh sorry, I meant canine American. What the fuck are you talking about? That's not a joke. It's not even remotely close to being

funny. Andrew, I don't know if you're aware of this, but PC culture has gone mad. It has gone. It is gone mad. I heard some rumblings, but I did not want to admit it. Can't you believe you can't even say dog anymore and gosh turned America?

As Ted Nugent would say, Stranglehold. on us. We're bringing it back, folks. We're bringing dog back. Rosie O'Donnell looks like a dog. See, dog is back. Rosie looks like a canine American. There, see, I could tone it down for a little bit. I'll play nice. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. I'm sorry, you're supposed to be signing this immigration order. There's a thing around here that I don't quite understand. There's a secret entrance to a nightclub that you get to through a port-a-potty? Dude, the flying fuck is this nonsense.

I don't know. I don't remember. Walk through a shitter to get into this nightclub. Yes. It makes sense because Paris Hilton's inside. Well, I think the only thing that this was was on the whiteboard of like things we should include because it's the cat and the hat movie. It's like, I don't know,

that hat is pretty big in rave culture. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's kind of it. The only other thing I thought was like, Austin Powers does a lot of dancing under lights like that. In his movies, maybe it's a callback to that. Got to dance.

But he's also, he wants to fuck Paris Hilton, too. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely does. His hat goes up again. So she exists in the Dr. Seuss. The Cat and the Hat of Earth. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Very interesting. She's in this movie because it is to date it precisely

a movie shot in 2002, released in 2003. Yes. The world at large, still gave his shit about Parasil. Yeah, it was, what, this House of Wax? House of Wax, it's very cathartic to watch Dujia gets a fucking pole through the head. And the Hottie and the Nottie.

Hottie and the Nottie was a little bit later. That was like a really, that's who you got for this movie? That was a last, that was like a last ditch effort. Absolutely. I think she's being romanced by Jason Mews in a film. Oh, yes, that sounds recently? No, of the time. So, wait, wait, wait, pull in the head, what was,

What movie was that? The House of Wax remake. Oh, oh, okay. I thought you meant her sex tape, folks. Oh, oh, yeah. Gotcha, 2003. Oh, I did, I should say, I did appearance on fear baiting

about that movie. Oh, Housel Wax, yeah. And that will be up at some point. Right, that is a podcast, not you masturbating at fears. No. No, no, no, no. It's Chris Gavin just watching the movie

Fear and jerking off. Here it is. It is a movie called Bottoms Up. Oh, God. What year? What year, dude? Sounds like a real fanny comedy. 2006, it's 89 minutes long.

Nice. Longer than this. It's got Jason Mews as the lead. Paris Hilton. Is he playing Snooch Master General? No, I believe. He's Owen something or other. Oh, nice.

Owen McNasty? Oh, you'd better You'd better believe Kevin Smith is in it playing rusty number two. Oh, wow. I bet there's, yeah, there's probably a joke in there. And Kevin Smith is rusty trombone. So they're like dancing around.

There is a dance number here, kind of. He loses his hat. Sure. And he claims he picked up a different hat at the rave, and now he's powerless. But by the way, I mean, if we're trying to teach kids, anything. Uh-huh.

If you drop something at a rave, just move on. You lost the hat entirely. You don't put on somebody else's hat. No way. You put a drink down, that drink is gone. You do that. You pick that up. Guess what?

You also picked up like a pound of Molly. Exactly. Listen, man, you're fucking, you're doing like a sick routine, man, and then you fucking drop your devil sticks, dude. That's it. You need to go to the bathroom. Oh, shit.

And now they want their Molly back. Oh, yeah. And you've got a fucking target on your back. Yeah. Rusty number two's coming after you. Then the Scarface. bathroom scene happens and where are you that? Where are you there? You're going to get a fucking pole through your head. You go to the bathroom

you have to do it standing up no matter what number is coming out. It's just got to be, you're not sitting down. No, not even a hover. You've got to be fully standing. I wouldn't take your hat off. How about that? I would keep it on the whole time. Keep it on when you're doing a rusty number two standing up. Just yell at people who

come in. I'm a little rusty at doing a number two standing up personally. So they leave the night club. they have the dog they're like oh my god and now we're kind of doing the Ferris Bueller thing

we're like Alec Baldwin oh do we mention that Mrs. Kwan is laid on top of this box to stop the parallel universe from coming in

oh right you do want to dehumanize any minority in your movie as much as possible he calls her an inanimate object yeah he does they ride this woman later a raft

she's a raft she's in a fucking boat dude they go down means of conveyance i'm sorry the only minority in the film is a means of conveyance i can't even believe it dude they fucking put her down like a plank of wood because it's a log flume yes and they are just splish splooshing down this thing right and i think this lady's fucking laying face down by the way but so long she's dead long story sure they come back to the house so like oh my god the box is open and the house is now a weird nightmare world like we've we have entered like

the pinhead is coming through the bricks at this point absolutely and oddly somewhere around here because this leads to one of the most disgusting parts in the movie they come back alec baldwin's like chasing them and shit and he like falls oh yeah he falls like the house looks fine it looks like totally clean and they're like what's going on and alec baldwin's like i have you now children and he like steps back and he falls and it's just like a breakaway living room and he falls down a pit into this other universe universe. Yeah, man. And get ready for the fucking punchline for that coming up. So they're going through the Seuss world. I mean, like, you would think that this would be a, it's like what dreams may come kind of a situation. Absolutely. But it is a gooding junior and Max von Sado are a raft together. If it was made on Windows 98. But it's also, dude, it is most definitely a, we hope that if this movie is successful enough, they will add this log flume ride to the fucking Universal Studios. Well, they make a joke about that. They make a very explicit joke. about that. Absolutely. He turns the camera

and he makes it, oh, Universe is coming this fall, the universe, he holds up like a pass or something. I hate those, you get it both ways jokes where it's like, oh, aren't we making a fun of commercialism? By the way, you should buy this. Well, I think that's them they knew a turd when they saw it and that was a late edition. Oh, yeah. It's just like, well, if we're going to fucking put this out anyway, how about a fucking just blatant goddamn advertisement? But now that I think about it though, was there any kind of like Dr. Seuss World at Universal Studios

at all? I think there's something there. There's probably is. Yeah, there is something there. I read that sort of today. If they have the rights. In my skimming. Anyways, so we're in this magic. It kind of goes nowhere. They have to get through this like shoots and ladders obstacle course to close the box is the idea. And they do.

And I'm sorry, the kids have to work together to do it. Yes, there's some sort of tornado, like the fabric of reality is coming undone and like Spencer Bruslin is holding Conrad is holding Sally and he's like I got to let you go to close the box you have to trust me

all that shit Well actually as the tornado scenes happening Kevin Costner is chasing this dog Right oh right Spencer Breslin's about to get him But like he waves Spencer Breslin off That's right yeah That's right

That's right No disgusting shit boy You have to become shit man Can I get a big yelling Like Spencer Borgman Nah Oh, he couldn't pull it off. So they closed the box.

They closed the box. And the house is still like semi-sentient and it's like fluctuating. What in the world is happening here? Dude, and then we cut to outside this house. It's like the fucking exhaust for like the dryer or something like that. And it starts going like, oh, and the house shits out Alec Baldwin.

And he's covered in this purple unicorn come. And it's like, it's fucking disgusting. It's a glaze. It's sticky. It's like, it's on his mouth. And when he talks, it's, you can see it getting stuck. It's in the hair. It's in all the hair.

You know what I like about unicorns? Is they're horny? Yeah. Oh, wait outside. We'll be done in a minute. I'll be taking a rusty number two. Standing up. So, whatever.

The cat in the hat's like, well, sorry, I can't help you. And he leaves, like, oh, no, the cat in the head lie. You know, he's a deceitful monster. They discover that he's the prince of lies. Right. They get pissed off because he is revealed to have lied about being powerless. Oh, right, right. Is the whole thing.

And it's one of those, like, well, I had to do that so you'd learn to, like, learn your lesson and work together, whatever. That's what it means. Just listen to your fucking mother. But he leaves for, like, it's your classic, like, end of second act. Like, get out of here. Go out of here, Harry. Nobody wants yet. him all. Exactly, but it turns

around immediately. Yes, he just comes right back. He comes right back and it's like, all right kids, now let's clean up this house to a smash mouth cover of a Beatles song. Dude, my asshole buttoned up for good dude, that was like a closed black hole.

Was it a situation? Because this is after Shrek is it's like a thing where it's like, well if we got Mike, you got to get smash mouth. Well, no, I think smash mouth. Peanut butter and jelly. Smash mouth was walking on the sun at this time. Like, every, smash mouth was everywhere. 2002, 2003, it was everywhere. We were dropping it on Iraq and leaflets and shit.

Dropping casingles on Iraq. Yes. Hey, Dan, watch me, watch, watch we drop all these fucking, uh, uh, now that's what I call music all the Iraqis. Dude, that's like you drive the enemy insane is you just play. Now that's what I call music volume smash mouth. But yet, they are just, they are, it's, I want to, better all the time, whatever the tune is there. I have to admit, it's getting better.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's getting better since you've been my cat's so much better all the town. Buffalo Wild Wings. Clean up the Gack. Clean up the Gack, the purple Gack. It's just putting worms in my brain. just hearing any smash mouth is just

it's awful not a near worm mind you not a near one no just just toxic parasites you just have worms yes I have worms also when the credits hit in like another blissful 10 minutes after this part of the movie sure it's another smash mouth song you would double duty man

oh my god so yeah I mean like Kelly Preston comes home the house is clean the cat and the hat sneaks at the back and she's like wow you guys did a great job congratulations by the way Spencer Breslin, I don't hate you, I guess. We've all learned a little something today. Then Al-Baldon comes in and he's got like this shit all over him and like he keeps touching his face.

It's like the trail, the slime trails between his head and the thing. It's like how it's disgusting in like the beginning of Ghostbusters where Bill Murray is like trying to take the sample of the ectoplasm and he like gets it on his finger and he's like flicking the index card and shit. It's too much. But it's up in his mouth. It's so gross. and like this is this dude's it's kind of funny I sort of had like a semi smirk right here this dude's last ditch effort

covered in unicorn come just looks at Kelly Preston and proposes marriage pretty funny and she kicks him out like that's the end of this dude and honestly it's a thing it's kind of a good part of this movie

where it's just like yay a single mother can do it on her own she doesn't need a man covered in unicorn come yay No, she needs a 250-pound cat man. She can go and see Dr. Louis G. Ember, who could block out the sun with his humongous member. Oh, well done. Oh, God, that's...

Dr. Cabin. Oh, my God, Dr. Cabin, keep your kids indoors. So she has this party. It's a huge success. She tells Dakota Fanning that the cupcakes are going over really well. And she's like, oh, these cupcakes are so popular at the party. What did you put in them? And I'm like, Unicorn Cup!

They're purple cupcakes. Look out. They ground up thing one and thing two. You're eating people. These cupcakes are made of people. I was thinking more of Titus. Not the Christopher Titus sitcom. I see.

Oh, they're the Anthony Hopkins. That's eating the people. Yes, that makes a little more sense. Damn, damn, purple cupcakes, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, look at that. Yep, no, it's still a little dribbly. Oh, you put hot dogs in that?

Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Think about this, though. This entire conversation, I've been mulling over a sick hot dog cupcake recipe and just hear me out. It's wrong. Cornbread cupcakes. It's delicious.

Hot dog bits in them with maybe like some jalapeno and cheddar. I could get into that. not a cupcake. Why not? Who says? You're doing cornbread with shit in it. So what? All right. Who cares? Just letting you know what you're doing. It's shaped like a cupcake. The fuck are you going to do about it.

What's the frosting? Cupcake needs frosting. Let's see. Maybe you could get some kind of like a like a jalapeno jam on top or something. It's been done. It's not frosted. Like a butter. Do you know what Eric? Just because I'm trying to be revolutionary with cupcakes and get us out of the frosting

mode. You can't put fucking jalapeno jam on cornbread you fucking moron dude the coffee shop around the corner has cornbread with fucking halapino and it's awesome hot dogs too sounds like a real kitchen nightmare let me ask you this

does it have any muffins with fire extinguishes oh well though that's what the liquid smoke is for okay so the movie ends and like Mike Myers looks at the camera it's like I'll see you next time everybody fucking better not he struts down the street talking about how he needs a vacation

and he actually suggests to Thing One and Thing Two that the three of them take a vacation together. It's a weird like, what's next to my schedule? Beat, beat, beat, beat. I need a vacation. Let's go away somewhere. But Thing One and Thing Two would then resist because they do the opposite of what you sell.

Oh, sure. If they were to get lost on a Carnival Cruise. Yeah, dude thrown over the side. And then he gets whatever magic world, you know, compensation. The magic world is the neurovirus. He probably like gets their souls or something, right? What's insane is this movie. It's all about souls. The end game is always souls.

This movie has the audacity speaking and Tim Burton to kind of ape the end of Beetlejuice. Because they're jumping on the couch and then they started just like floating. Yes. You know, and it's not outright calypso music or anything like that. They were dead the whole time. But it's just like a funnish tune is playing and they're like float jumping on this couch. It's close enough to Beetlejuice where I'm filing a lawsuit. I can't sit down and think about the end of Beetle juice for too long because you're like, so Winona Ryder's being raised by ghosts, but also the parents are also in the house and they're cool with it.

But it works because, listen, Charles Dietz and whatever her name is, Deets. Lydia Dietz. No, no, no, the mother. Is it Lydia? No, Lydia is the girl. Delia. Delia and Charles Dietz never wanted a kid. Lydia is a total accident. It's true. But Gina Davis and Alec Baldwin did want a child. Listen, Steve, everybody wins. A quarter of the kids that are raised in the countryside are raised by ghosts. Raised by ghost the Eric Siska biography. It's not most of them, but they are around and sometimes they'll help out.

Dude, raised by a ghost, that sounds like a show. That's like a fucking A&E show. Like, I didn't know I was pregnant. Oh, like that show, I didn't know I was pregnant. Oh, that's what it is. Was that really? That's a real thing. I didn't know I was pregnant.

I think I saw part of that. It's a totally real show. Pregnant with ghosts. Oh, shit. I birthed a ghost. That's the father of our religion. Jesus Christ was his mother was pregnant by a ghost. All she was, the Virgin Mary, was just a containment unit.

You can't open that. Oh, God. This Romans, like, I'm from the EPA of Rome, and I'm opening that containment unit. shutting down the power You can't do that You got no dick Oh yeah Well I'm biggest dickas

That is a sick drum breakdown In that moment Yeah He just he struts away Talking about Needing a vacation Much like The Terminator Okay

It's a hard no Right It's a hard no Absolutely not Yes no way If you show this thing You kids by the way It's child abuse

Exactly Also, if you listen to this podcast in front of children, there's also child abuse, and we have no responsibility. I do think that Mike Myers is funny in some stuff. But this and the love guru killed his career. But here's, so this is the question, though. Like, can someone lose the ability to be funny? Like, when was the last time he made you laugh in a new thing? Yeah.

I mean, I think you would definitely lose it. I think I lose it every other minute. I was, I was chuckling at that Kanye video that he was in. His reaction there was pretty priestly. That was actually really funny. And that was like 2005, I think. I got a smirk from Himman and Inglorious Pasters. Yes, yeah, it's a smirk.

I mean, I don't even remember. He's in that movie. He, like, briefs Michael Fospenter. Yeah, he's, like, doing an overly posh. English accent, right? Okay, yeah. I mean, like, I think you give him the right script. Like, the problem is he'll never relinquish control.

He's made so much money. He'll never do somebody else's script and just do it. I really do think Shrek rotted his brain. Yes. I think that kind of did it. The first Austin Powers was funny in the time it came out. it was funny. I still think it's really funny. I mean, I haven't seen him forever.

But, so I married an axe murder, I think, is good. Yeah. And Wayne's World, number one, is good. So you've got three movies, you're fine by him. He's apparently in Bohemian Rhapsody and is, like, kind of unrecognizable or something. Someone was saying. You'd want to be unrecognizable. Yeah. Does he play that fucking game show? Yeah.

Oh, that's the con show thing, right? What the fuck are we doing? Is that still going? It's still going on. Are you shit? I am not. No, the IMDB says 2017 and done. There's no fucking.

Oh, I saw something. I mean, maybe it's back. Sounds like you were shitting me. Sounds like maybe... I was shitting you, I'm sorry. Give me a little rusty number two out on my face. That's just a weird, like, he's playing a character hosting a game show. Yeah.

Apparently, he's in that movie Terminal that came out as you that Mungo Robby's in, which is supposed to be fucking abhorrent. Really bad. And then this means nothing, but it's like announced, according to IMDB, Austin Powers 4. Jesus Christ, get it out of here. If it's him again, you can't do it. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. It's been enough time. Why, oh, shit. He went to the present in those, right?

Damn. It'd be funny to see him in a different time period. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, like, oh, yeah. Well, he's, yeah, like, frozen into the... But then they do, like, they somehow go back in time because they got, like, Roblo for that second one. Yeah, the third one. Yeah, he's in the 70s or... Yeah, they hop around. You know what, never mind, pass. Here's the question. Yes. Would you rather watch...

Oh, God. Oh, I don't even know if I'm ready for this, but okay. Or it queued up. The Grinch or the cat in the hat? The Grinch. We've seen them both. I would say the Grinch. The Grinch is, just for reference, 25 minutes longer than this.

Yes, yes, yes. This is shorter, but at what price? Eric's totally right. Because, like, the Grinch, I was like, I don't like this. I don't think it's for children really. Sure. And, you know, it's just like not my thing. This, I was like, it's not a movie.

it's not for fucking anybody parents should be fined $5,000 if they took a kid $5,000 a kid if you took them to see this movie in theaters I like it I just it's this is insufferable like the Grinch is bad this is insufferable

I hate the Grinch but I wouldn't feel bad about people taking their kids to see it yeah cat in the hat like it's so close it's so close it's right there do we have any idea on the financials on this I didn't look it up, but I can say, like, from the projections point of view, I remember

starting this movie to a lot of, like, quarter-filled auditoriums. I remember it got really bad, bad reviews, like, pre-release. I think it did it well enough that I did it. They were talking to the news, the widow, Stu said, no, they're always talking about a sequel. Speaking of the sequels, there's a sequel to this episode coming out very soon. That's right. On how the Grinch stole Christmas. Thank you. How the Grinch stole Christmas? Are you sure? There's no didn't there? How did the Grinch stole Christmas? What the fuck is that? How did the Grinch stole Christmas? Hey cool. How did the Grinch steal it? Pappy. He got my tater chips. So if you want to give us, donate some tater chips to us, go to patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Hey cool. It's dog food with pizza flavors on. You'll eat it. And coming soon to our $5 tier, there will be a bonus episode on how did the Grinch stole Christmas and if you donate to that level you all instantly unlock like a ton and ton of animation damnation and prior episodes on Van Helsing

Ready Player 1, Bright, Man of Steel and many others because you don't get just what the month... You know, some people are confused, you don't get just what the month... Instant access to it all. It's not like you pledge in November and you only get the November episode.

You get everything, baby. Honestly, at this point, with all the content that's on our Patreon, it's like a whole other shows back there. Absolutely. So check it out for yourself. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And that is the Cat and a Hat from 2003, directed by Bo Welch.

If you want more We Hate Movies, like we said, check out that Patreon, man. Again, patreon.com slash we hate movies. Or find us over on WHMpodcast.com for more episodes or on the HeadGum Network, of course, rate and review the show. wherever you get it, we'd greatly appreciate it. But we just, you know what?

We took our licks this week with the cat in the hat. It's fucking wretched. But the show will continue. That's the thing. We get knocked down by these movies. We get up and we get up again, right? Cluttons for punishment, dude. Tubbs something.

Chubba wumbahs. We're a bunch of chumba wumbahing all over the place. Steve Sadeg, what are we talking about for next week's program topic? We are talking about one of my favorite movie. Really? Is that right? No, not at all. Of all times. No, no. I'm just stalling because I haven't pulled it up.

It is Jetley's the one. Dude, this is awesome. It's a movie where he throws a motorcycle at somebody with one hand. This is going to be very exciting. And it's welcome to the program back, Jet Lee, after lethal weapon. And Jason Statham. Oh, right. I forgot Statham. With Delroy Lindo. I'm excited for this.

Early Statham. You know what, though? I have a feeling this will be a thing where. I remembered watching this in theaters and liking it. And I don't know. I could be dead wrong. I haven't rewatched it since. I'll love anything that doesn't have a fucking cat rhyming in it. Fair enough, Steve Sanex. So until next week with Jet Lees the One, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Saneck. Chris Fanderfluke.

Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.