We Hate Movies - S9 Ep399: Episode 399 - Mile 22

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

On this week's show, the gang continues their pursuit of cataloging some of the worst films of 2018 by chatting about the absolutely ridiculous online gaming chat come to life, Mile 22! What's with the incredible amount of profanity in this script? Does this film have a commercial for a divorce app in it? And what in the WORLD are we doing with those two Russian characters? PLUS: Spider-man gets assassinated by a bunch of holograms! Mile 22 starts Mark Wahlberg, Lauren Cohan, Iko Uwais, John Malkovich, Ronda Rousey, Terry Kinney, and Sam Medina; directed by Peter Berg. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's a Twitch thread come to life. It's Mile 22. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Credit Where's credit is due. That joke that I told up front is from Chris Crabbin's letterboxed review, more or less. I just thought it was very funny. And it's totally true for this movie. I mean, this script. My God, this script. I really do. I'll say what I said. It's like Peter Berg called his fucking asshole misogynist cousin, who has never left the basement and placed call of duty 24 hours a day. Uh-huh. Fucking Lenny Berg.

Ooh, Lenny Berg. And he was like, yo, can I use your squad chat from Call of Duty as a script? Can I do that? Can I do that right now? Because that's what I need for a movie. Oh, man, this script is so bad. I've seen better scripts at a doctor's office. oh my god where did you get that golf club and shitty jacket from

i mean this penicillin is better than this movie yeah it's right carnack is coming up next week guys look out look out for car neck my question is yeah uh i had a question i lost it i'm just laughing at carnaq what are we talking about here oh no that's that was my question because i couldn't find this in trivia on i mdb or wikipedia this movie

clearly wanted to be called overwatch like the movie is called overwatch yes the mile 22 is fairly innocuous isn't there a video game called that that's like the rights issue that little video game you just the finals of that video game sold out the barclays center

finals the finals of fucking kids playing that game sold out the barclays so the simulator of school tests yes is doing that well right because it's what a final is oh you go yes yeah finals like a test

at the end of the year and all these kids want the test? Dear God! He's just talking about a pro gaming event. It should be confusing. Not the Regents

and the Barclays. I would have to rip that jacket right off. No, but I just don't know. Is Overwatch like this story though? No. No. But it's just the movie is the the team is called Overwatch.

No, I know. And they say it 107 times. Also aware, I was just clarifying that a game I don't know anything about isn't like the plot of this movie. Is that like guns? Or is that like drones? It's essentially, it was like before

Fortnite, it was what Fortnite was. It's like an open... I don't even know what Fortnite is. Yeah, I don't know what that is. Okay. Guys... Cartoons characters shoot at each other with guns and then they dance. Yes, that's correct. I was playing shovel night the other day. That's good as well. That's much better than this. Now I'm imagining like there's a movie

where it's like John Sina and let's say the Rock are too... I'm interested so far. Yes. That are two bros. brothers that go around and they bounce people and they call them in the movie Super Smash Brothers, right? They call themselves a Super Smash Brothers but in the movie has to be called like

Arnie's House or something. Because that's what they meet up. They meet him at Arnie's house first and then the rest of the movie happens but you keep calling them to Super Smash Brothers because that's what they are. The Rock in House 7. Chris Cabin, this was your find I think. Please

distill the plot of those If you can. Hmm. Misogynistic Mission Impossible. Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. I mean, it's a group of... Anti-Asian Mission Impossible. It's also that.

Or this also, instead of Malt-22, it should really have been called Deep State. Yeah. Oh, sure. Is they are a group of deep state assassins or operators as they're called. Excuse me. I'm an operator and I take out people and kill them.

You know what it is? It's like a white trash born supremacians. that is perfect but you know with this this title deep state would be better because what the hell is this

like in Europe and all these other places I heard there's more than one place yeah it's gonna be not mile right no one oh yeah 22 kilometer well then you have to whatever the equivalent like 4.9 or something

yeah exactly whatever the conversion is you release this in a war zone you might have to call it like 22 clicks. They probably did. A lot of theaters in war zones, by the way. And war zones are always saying like it's just a click over that ridge. Sure.

I know. I'm just saying, I don't think you're going to find many multiplexes in those areas. 22 miles as the crow flies in Ireland. Okay. 35. So the movie in places that isn't the United States is Mark Wahlberg and

Lauren Cohen star in mile or star in kilometer 35 4.405.6. Oh, wow. That's an exciting film. Six, six, six, six, six, six, six. Yeah, I mean, it's just Mark Wahlberg leading a team of government assassins.

But this is like, it's like nothing I've ever seen before because he's... Is it? It reminds you of one movie that we've done before. Really? Sabotage. Does. Yep. I mean, it's like... Sabotage is better.

Sabatage is much better. Less juice is flying through this movie. People are like more like normal looking. I need juice. Yeah. I do need some juice going on. Of course you do. But I was referring specifically to Mark Wahlberg's character that he's playing here,

which I think the closest he's come honestly, this is like a hot head version of his character in The Happening because he's like supposed to be kind of like a super genius. Like what the fuck? How dare you? The way they tell you he's a super genius in this movie is they cut to his apartment. And one of the things that you see is something called the world's most typical jigsaw puzzle. And it's just like a 500 piece puzzle And it's all white

He's got like, you know you don't see it But there's just like fucking books of like brain power How to unlock the secret intelligence behind your head? Oh man, he's taking Alex Jones brain juice Every day? Absolutely. Absolutely. There's also that superhero origin beginning

Where it's like there's motherly voiceover. It's just like you're just smarter than every other kid You're totally. Your brain goes too fast on that. Your brain goes too fast on you. Just snap this stupid little. live strong bracelet and it will fucking go away. Boy, that stinks.

And it's fine, but it's you got Mark Wahlberg. Is it? It was literally anybody else. Think about, um, I don't know. Mark Ruffalo, just replace Marks. Mark Ruffalo playing

a character like this and the character tick is he's snapping a live strong thing. Which Bruce Banner actually kind of does in some of those Avengers movies. But Mark Wahlberg, dude, I do not believe for a second that his brain is going too fast for anything. And I will tell you one thing. If Peter Berg were to send Mark Ruffalo

speeches of Steve Bannon and say this is your character, Mark Ruffalo would tell him to go fuck off. Okay, now explain this. You were mentioning this before we went on the air. There's apparently... There's an article. An article. There's an article where Mark Rulberg says his character is inspired by Steve Bannon. And that

Peter Berg sent him speeches of that fucking lunatic numbscull. Yeah. Is that why his character fails in the film? I do think so. I do think so. I just imagine fat Steve Bannon or John Gumberling as Steve Bannon walking around like an M-16

like teaching this team what's going on trying to get over a fence for an half hour. That'd be fun. You're fucking pissing me off. You're pissing me off right now. Let's kill him. I don't know. I saw that Errol Morris documentary about him

and I don't see many comparisons to be made. Well, he does call himself Steve Banner at some point in the movie. It's like a prank call. Yeah, exactly. He literally, he's like, I'm Steve, tell them Steve Bannon told you to fucking, like he literally says it.

I'm wearing three shirts, bro. Is he wearing three shirts in this movie? Yo, I don't know what to do with all these Seinfeld royalties. I'm so rich. I don't think he is, but he could be. Oh, for you know. We're talking about Bannon wearing three shirts?

No, Mark Wahlberg. Right, right, right. It'd be cool if he drew from Steve Bannon, like the wardrobe. Oh, right. He's just in giant. he had a he had a horrible fucking alcoholic red face constantly yeah like it looks like it's about to fall off into a bowl of soup that's how you know mark walberg hasn't gone

a full bail is because bail would have gained the 200 pounds would have drank himself to death sure one day i mean like i hope it doesn't i like christian bail a lot one day that's not going to go well i just yeah by the way if anyone asks i'm playing dick cheney sure that's why okay that's why said in something that like for this one for vice he had to like have somebody by his side to make sure he wasn't going to kill him. I am playing Danny DeVito in a stage play at the end of this

year. It's the life in times. It was the life you've apparently been preparing your whole life to play. Absolutely. And we're working on shortening your legs. Me and him have been doing it. So yeah, go ahead. I mean we sort of start on like this operation with their

it's Lauren Cohen, the Wonging Dead's Lauren Cohen, the boys Lauren Cohen. Anyone else see that movie? The boys? The boy. The boy. Oh, where it's a little doll? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I saw that movie. I saw that movie. Stupid city. So it's a little doll that terrorizes her. No, well, it's spoiler alert, everybody.

Other way around. It's, well, from the preview, from the preview, it's she gets a job as a nanny, and they're like, here's our son, and it's a doll. Yeah. And she has to, like, treat this doll like a person. It's like invisible child. It is kind of like an invisible child with a doll instead. And then like a scary twist

at the end. The twist is kind of hilarious. It's not good though, huh? So it's boring and like stupid at the same time. The last 10 minutes make it fun because it's so dumb and like when you're what the thing is happening, it's like, oh man. Agreed, but boy, I was watching it by myself

and I was, there was no one to turn to to chuckle with. So I was just watching the boy alone. So it's her and this other guy are like, pretend they're lost like, I guess tourists or just a couple and they're going to and it's It's just, it's the dumbest thing in the world.

They're having this like rat-a-tat-tat-tat conversation about being lost. Like, well, it was like 119 Christmas place, right? And he's like, it might have been Christmas Avenue. And then the other, is it Christmas Street? How many? She's like, there's just so many Christmases in this city. I'm like, no, no, there's not. The North Pole.

That's where they're at. They're at the North Pole. Well, to be fair, they're in reality a team of assassins. Sure. So maybe they're just really bad at this, like, improv part of it. But there's this is a Christmas street that, that exists? Yeah, I didn't think that they might be at the North Pole. I definitely think so. I think there's supposed

to be a hit on Santa Claus. They're taking down the sweatshop down there. Yeah, exactly. It turns out that Santa, he's a Russian warrior. That's what he is. Well, all of my elves have to make their toys with their clothes off. I don't want anyone stealing

from me. In your underwear. Don't worry, I'm taking pictures of all of you. I cut off this boy, I say, and because he stole some cotton from me. Oh, you've been a very naughty little slave laborer. You'll get the boy on DVD this year.

Was that a 2018 release? No, that's a 2017 maybe. 16 or 17. Yeah, it was one of those like, oh, cool. She was from Walking Dead. Now she's in a movie. Whoa. She must have thought this was going to be big.

Like, you're co-starring with Mark Wahlberg. This is going to be a real movie. but unfortunately you hit that Peter Bergwaves coming off of fucking Patriots Day and Deepwater Horizon or whatever they're like. These two are like the fucking Stockton and Malone of misogynistic horseshit man or shit that I don't want to watch.

You know what it's, I've never seen Patriots Day I know it's based on a true story. I apologize. That's a true story. Or Deepwater Horizon. That's a true story. It's just like agro. Then this one.

It's a true story. It's all agro shit that I have no time for. Misogynistic is might not be the right word. Agro shit is a time. It's totally ag. But that's, I don't get, man, what is their working relationship like? Because this is like, what, the 12,000th movie

they've done together? Their best buds. I think they're best buds. It's weird. He just gets me, bro. Peter Berg just fucking gets me. Oh, yeah. Mark, you're a blank canvas.

You're just, you know, it's amazing. Like, you could just see that you're not thinking at every scene. Thanks, bro. Oh, my God. That means so much coming from the director of battleship. I see a lot of my big baldness. in Mark

and I like to reflect that on screen that I have big balls like Mark you know bro remember when you were in that skiing movie that thing was fucking sick I was in a lot of movies I was in the Great White hype I was the great

I was the titular Great White Hype Yeah but that skiing movie Aspen extreme right Yes previous episode Dig through the library For that one Holy shit you directed very bad things I love you Peter

I love you Way to name his best movie I'm looking it up on the Tribune right now to see I'm doing the collaboration It's a trash

It's a trash factory It's a total trash No wait So let's see Mile 22 Deepwater Horizon Patriots Day Loan Survivor

Trash Um Kingdom is him Oh the kingdom That's agro nonsense Yeah as well Why wouldn't you fucking put this in order

Oh just with things he's directed though I know sorry To clarify it was Peter Berg movies also starring Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah. So this is only the fourth of those. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just, it feels

like there's so many more. There's another one coming out. Some of the Gold Wonderland that they're doing this year. Oh, it's about something. Everybody, try not to have a heart attack. It's based in Boston. Oh, really? I don't want to do anything to anybody here. Yeah, I'm a new place for him.

Wow. So they're like pretending to be lost in this house and they're like, they go on for a long time about how they're going to get there. You then see Mark Wahlberg in the leaves there. He's got a sniper rifle. He's like running the operation. Right. We cut to

what is Overwatch which is just this room of people and computers. And John Malkovich for some reason. And John Malkovich's wig. What is with this piece to death and get separate credit in this movie? It's fucking outrageous. This piece he's

got on your... I feel like Elaine Ben is fucking screaming. Like your bald. Dude, everybody knows your fucking bald, Malcovich. Nobody cares. That's how we know and love you. The wig is famously played by Chris Pratt. It does kind of look like his Captain Kirk haircut

actually. Yeah, a little bit. And he... Chris Pine. Pine. Oh, fuck. I thought you said Pine. Pardon me. You know, Chris is mixed up. I do this all the time because there's Chris Hemsworth. Yeah. It's Chris Cabin. Right. There's Chris Pine. It's Chris Pat.

We're all equal. They're all equal. Yeah. interchangeable honestly. Yeah, absolutely. Same body fat index too. Exactly. Yeah, and like basically

this operation is going on. We do see like the team who you never actually meet the Overwatch team and they should be more important especially with the end of the movie but you never know who any of them are. Not a single one of them.

I know that I hate their guts instantly because they're putting all these bobbleheads around of all the presidents. Oh, isn't that supposed to be cute? Oh yeah, you better believe it. We're putting a fucking Trump one with a fucking red hat.

Well, it's true. Trump next to Obama and it's like this libertarian like, no, see, they're both fucking bobblehead idiots. That's Peter Berg. It's my guess. That's my guess. I don't know. I don't know. I guarantee it. I mean, that's the end of this movie. The whole thing is like, well, it's over.

Humanity's over. So fuck it. Kill everybody. Die. Get my fucking bunker ready. And the women did it. So basically, they're like kind of, they're like making sure everything's clear. They're like, all right, police channels are clear. somebody's like social media is clear

I'm like what the fuck are you talking about I think and this is what I think it is it's very stupid but I get what it was which was like oh like if there's a fire like a bunch of fire trucks or something like that I'll go on Twitter and I'll search for like the intersection I'm at to see if anyone's mentioning like

oh huge fire whatever but it's just a stupid like we're gonna do a catch all yeah there's no dick pics around Mark Wahlberg's it's clear got it locked up Would you, why did we have to choose this operation on Christmas Avenue? I'm getting nothing but Christmas list and Christmas jokes. It's very difficult. Yeah, and then Mark Wahlberg is like, oh, bro, I got to deliver this letter to Santa.

Like the fucking leaves the entire operation. That's what this movie should be. Yeah, Christmas movie. It's a special ops team who has to get a bag of letters to Santa. And they're going to kill all these fucking Russian terrorists. Do not want to hear the epithets. He's throwing out those elves. Yo, Lauren Cohen, break that guy's neck with your legs.

there's not going to be any Christmas this year Christmas is going to be canceled with your mistletoes yes I like this already they all have little Christmas names yeah we're going to make this Christmas themed even though Christmas is now famously over and no one wants to talk about it

well the team it's not Christmas names here because it's so fucking cool you guys they're just named after chess pieces that's the Overwatch yeah Overwatch not the not Mark Wahlberg's actual team. Their child one, child two, child three, and child four. Correct. And in this little team that includes fucking, um, Malkovich, it's like king, knight, rook, pawn. And they don't

do anything. There's just people at computers with no names. And it's not even that, like, when the movie really gets going, it's not that big of an advantage. It's just like, I don't, like, it's basically, they're a GPS system. Oh, and Malcovich's Bishop, by the way. It's a house to get you out of narrative corners. Yes. That's all it does. Whenever they have a problem that needs to be fixed right then

and they don't want to have a scene where they fight or something, they're like, hey, Overwatch, can you blow this person up? There is a DASX fucking drone strike in this movie. Yeah, it's there just for drone strikes

and then it's also that mission impossible thing of where like you got to get down this street. Yes. But very boring. Well, yeah, it's the, I mean, I've never seen a movie more indebted

to video games than this. Oh, yeah. Like, this is just Call of Duty. Yeah. Like, you got to turn right here everybody yeah I did it right okay I get the little present I'm getting for a good session right now there are a little a bunch of little presents gifted to us in this movie he does he picks up some loot they storm this house ronda rousey's involved as well she sure is she's not an

actress sorry guys stop trying to make this happen maybe maybe like in five years something's going to happen but it's not what you're talking about bro you didn't see her entourage episode I did Right, her second collaboration with Mark Wahlberg, technically. That's right. Oh, Rhonda. Somebody's fucking in there. Oh, Rhonda, the second I heard you say that line, bro, I knew that you needed to be in Mile 22. She was in the Entourage film, by the way.

Oh, wow. The big time. We called that the big time. Previous episode for all you turtle heads out there. Check that bat. And so they storm this fucking thing. They subdue everyone pretty quickly and, like, Overwatch. just like, oh, there's this many body heat signatures.

Right. Everything is fine. But uh-oh, there might be another one in a secret room. Yep. And that's-in eggheads. Fuck it's up every time. Fuck. Yep.

That's what it is. That's it. The whole thing is that they fucking, they get this whole house. They get everybody, but like, oh, no, the tech guys missed one. Right. So then they have like the secret room and they shoot a person. It's a, it's a cluster fuck, right? It's, the operation, as they say, goes tits up.

Yeah. And they're shooting everybody. Mark, and meanwhile, Mark Wahlberg is just outside. Like, I'm just hanging. Oh, wow, that sounds real bad. Yo, Overwatch, is that bad? It sounds like things are going tits up in there, bros. I'm sitting on the swing set, bro.

What's going on there? Yo, Malcovich, I'm under a pile of leaves. It's pretty fun out here. I would not put it past him to actually pull out of Walburgers and start eating it right there. Yo, I'm eating a burger out here, bro. It's great. It's a nice crisp autumn day on Crisp. I can't hear anything over this Joe Rogan podcast I'm listening to.

Should I be listening? Oh, Overwatch. Should I be on the clock? Do you need me or what? Elon Musk got a bad rap, bro. Oh, shit. Did he say that? No, I don't know.

Oh, right. I'm sure he thinks that. We all talk it. We all talk it, folks. I'm sorry. So it's a bunch of shit going on. They wind up, and everyone's, I don't know, when do people start getting lit on fire? Well, it's around the time, like, so these are,

they're like Russian terrorists. Yeah, and it's a Russian safe house that is rigged a blow because they've got like, I don't know, the sprinkler system of like kerosene. Yes, I don't know what devices is, but it's basically like a self-destruct kind of thing. Like, oh, it's everything's going down.

We're going to go to hell tonight. Whistler's compound is being breached and blade. Wow, that's a nice self-destruct system. You're built in there. You're Russian chicken shit. Get fucking Christopherson in this movie. Yes. Yep. He should be doing the Malcovic. Or, you know, someone to play

a Russian convincingly. Or an interesting character actor or someone. To like remember who these Russians even are. And who is this woman that is the mother of one of the dead Russian operatives we will get to, but it's like, okay. I guess she's

a big so-and-so in the Russian government. She's a Madam General. And that's very big. She's a Madam featured extra. Yes. She really is. So like, this thing goes wrong. this dude runs out of the house on fire and then social media by the way is no longer clear no somebody takes a pick and goes l-o-l the human torch it's just mark walberg oh shit i forgot i was supposed to be off instagram i thought it was my private feed i said it's a private

it's not cool uh so yeah so he's burning up he kills he's like i think one of their agents dies so mark walberg is like overwatch permission to kill this son of a bitch And it's like, yeah, go ahead and they fucking blow his brains out. And everyone's blowing everybody's brains out. Dude, this is a violent movie, which I'm totally fine with. And it's like, it's got, we're doing the CGI blood stuff, but we've come a long way since that John Rambo movie. Sure. So most of this, I thought, was pretty convincing because they're doing a good job of you're having like CGI impact kind of stuff.

But then when they cut back, it's like actual SFX, like head wounds and shit. So like, I don't know, to say one nice thing about mile 22, I guess, a movie I otherwise think is trash. Yeah, no, it's, I mean, but the violence is just, I don't know, I enjoy violence like the next guy, but it's a cool jacket on a shitty dude. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes a cool jacket is that a cool dude. You're like, oh, I want to hang out with that guy. But other times a cool jacket and a really shitty dude. And most movies would go the extra mile to be like, question, maybe this isn't the right thing to do.

Yes. No, this is exactly the right thing to do in this. So that's, like, the end of this, like, kind of prologue thing. Then we get the whole, like, who is Mark Wahlberg? I couldn't believe this is a cold open. I almost fucking punched myself in the face. And, like, this is where Mark Wahlberg, there's, like, three framing narratives, one of which is, like, Mark Wahlberg, like, in an interview session about this.

What is this interrogation room that he's in? He is talking to himself in this. It's like, he'll, like, a shot of him and a blazer sitting down. Yeah. And then he'll be like, he'll throw, throw after. that like he'll say something like oh you think that's collusion god yeah then by the way using the C word we we were talking about this how much fucking obnoxious trump era shit will be in all the movies we're doing ding ding ding we got it right here with three for three

yeah collusion he'll say something like that and then he'll pick it up where he left off in a different outfit like he's wearing different clothes off like I don't understand what's going you're saying that what he's saying in this different time like interrogation thing matches what they cut to him saying like in the events of the world. Yes, I think I see. See you just don't see it. You don't see Berg's genius. This is like Malik.

Like you just things happen. You don't know it's interior monologue. You don't know what's going on. There's mind palace going. Inner life. Well, yeah, maybe this is him doing a great big, maybe the whole world is a jigsaw puzzle this genius. You know what I mean? I can't see it. You're totally right, Cabin, because I did appreciate the like 20 minute

dialogue free sequence where they're just going to South by South West for no reason. Belkimer's screaming on stage for some reason. Yep. That's a movie I haven't seen. Oh, it's good. Song by song. Song to song.

Song. What is it? Song by or song to song? Song to song. Sounds like a great movie. Nobody remembers. He has stupid titles. But yeah, I mean like...

Song to song. It's just him like going around and like, yeah, it's, we're kind of understanding what he's doing. And he's also like, let me tell you all about mile 22. or Overwatch. Peter, did we get Overwatch? Do we win?

Oh, no, it's mile 22. What the fuck is mile 22? Well, you see, Mark, and you know, we're just, we're connected. That's where you end up.

Oh. It'll never, we'll never say it. Never going to say it, of course. But that's where you end up. In that cool, man. In that montage, there's a great,

like, it's his origin story or whatever, like the opening credits of this. Sammy Saville. Oh, Jimmy Silva. Right, I said the name of a British pedophile.

That's right. He definitely did. Well, the guy was like a children's entertainment. Jimmy Seville. He's like a DJ or whatever. Also, famous abhorrent pedophile. Yes, also his mind went too fast.

That would be the movie. Mark Wahlberg is Jimmy Saville, directed by Peter Berg. And it's like really like cool. Like, you know, maybe the military is involved for some reason. For sure. Yeah.

The whole movie's at night vision about him being a pedophile. They're militarizing pedophilia. You know, for years, you know, Jimmy Seville had the little bracelet. Oh, right. He snapped it to keep the pedophilia down. And then one day it snapped

and he just broke loose. Oh. No, but one of the lines is, it's just like an X-Men movie because this doctor's like, I believe your son may be gifted. I'm just finding a bunch of capitalized narration I wrote down here.

Who could care? I mean, like, so. We kind of cut to a fake Indonesian nation called Indocar City is the town where we're hanging out. Sure. Indocar City, 3 a.m. It's a video game. Make up a fucking fake country. Yeah, that's great. I guess that makes the movie less politically sticky.

But wouldn't that be the point in the movie also, like, to have like... Well, if you actually had something to say. Yeah, exactly. If you just wanted to be pissed off and cynical, you don't have to think about it at all. and Lauren Cohen is running there's something it's Mark Wahlberg in a coffee shop and he's waiting for people

his team to come back Rada Rousey and this other guy with a beard show up and like the whole thing is bullshit man we didn't get what we wanted from this undercover guy or whatever and it was like it's her informant like the details

of the house or whatever wrong information whatever so bad intel he brings she's in this fucking place for five seconds. She gets a piece of cake. This is it's inexplicable

and it's my favorite part of this movie. Mark Wahlberg, he's like, what the fuck is this, bro? And she's like, oh, it's my birthday. This is my birthday cake. He smacks it off the table. He doesn't get fucking birthday cake. No birthday cake. No, birthday cake. And then it just

cuts. It cuts before he's finished saying cake for the second time. He does take cake to us. What the fuck are we doing? He's sitting there alone and the fucking Dougie the other guy who's there with him comes up to me he's like I need to know how angry you are he's like oh I've been seen here drinking coffee

I'm of course at a seven I'm about to rip the fucking hat off these people it's just it's so who cares he has to do these things as these characters where he has these long fits of like dialogue diarrhea yeah Dialogria you know and it's like you know

he's just like in front of a mirror like the fucking end of uh boogie nights and he's like all right bro you're the fucking star of this movie you have 20 lines that you have to smash into this one take because we're doing it in one shot bro let's do it he and it happens over and over again and they're all mostly the word well the good thing is it's all the word fucking over and over again there's so much in this there's so much fucking it's the amount of profanity is startling because what happens is once you start noticing that there's too much going on

in a thing that's like pre-written. Yeah. You're just like, wow, this is like a fucking film school script. Yeah, exactly. It's so bad. It's very amateurish. It's very, that's why it reminds me of sabotage because it's like, hey, fuck you fucking face. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You're a fucking scumbag. You fucking pile of turns. And this is something I hated about sabotage, the, uh, the camaraderie between those people. Yeah. And it was terrible and it was abrasive. Yeah. Agro. But here I need it.

It's not present. I don't understand anything about Dougie. I know more about Neck from Sabotage. Neck, how are you? We're all good buddies. That's true. At the end of the day, the sabotage buddies hung out. They went to bad dirty strip clubs.

Comratery. That was the one thing sabotage had. Cleaning to the fucking hair on its ass. That movie starts with them doing a mission that is pulled off successfully. This movie starts with the team fucking it up. So we don't have the thing we're like, we're all going back to Arnold's. We're smoking cigars. there's a hot tub neck is taking his shirt off that also doesn't have like this superhero origin of like

Arnold is just the best that ever was you know like none of that shit so this it's like mission failure Mark Wahlberg is the smartest man alive did you know that all right back to the movie everyone and like unlike Arnold he does not fuck he will not fuck I will say fuck but I will not fuck does this is he an in cell I don't know what he that's the whole point like they're like Just deny women my essence, bro. Oh, shit. You never see a communist drink water. Yo, bro, you're trying to steal my essence like a fucking witch.

Yo, get away from me, witch. Yo, bro, it's no fat February. We're going all in. Coming off a very successful no fat January. I'm going to keep my loads and bulk up with it, right? I've got to store it up and back. Maybe it wouldn't snap that fucking rubber band so much. You could jerk off, dude.

Relax. That's what it is, right? Don't they have rubber bag? Don't they have like bracelets and stuff? Oh, yeah. I'm assuming. I don't know. I'm looking at Chris Gavin directly.

You know about internet culture, Chris Gavin. A little bit. I don't know that one. You know, you're not hanging out? I assume if they do it. I assume if they do it's camouflage colored. Walking down, no fat boulevard. Boulevard of broken fast.

I walk. lonely road I don't jerk off alone I jerked to no one something something else yeah I can see that getting piece together yeah it's one of those songs that more comes together in the studio yeah oh yeah my essence won't be yours you damn troll up yeah yeah that's it um so he goes to bother Lauren Cohen because Lauren Cohen was running this guy who gave him the bad Intel or whatever yeah and he starts cursing up a storm at her and she's like yeah why are you and she's just going right back yeah fuck you

and then she's got something else going on where her grandfather oh no I'm sorry her ex-husband is played by Peter Berg who she married yeah her grandfather she married her grandfather she's a granny shagger I'm just saying this dude's a lot older than she is quite a bit quite significantly

I also kind of think he always see Peter Berg only comes in on these little phone calls that come to Lauren Cohen I think this is how he directed the movie. I think he went full Spilbert Lost World. Live via satellite. We got FaceTime now, man. I don't got to be there. Well, that's true. Hey, Lauren, when I was your age, I was in the TV show Chicago Hope. It was like ER, but it failed.

That's great. Chicago Hope didn't fail. That ran for several years. Yeah, but it was always like, what else is on? Well, that's true. Well, because at the time when that show was on, you weren't 68 years old. That's a really good point. That's who we're making Chicago hope for. And that's why they all got offended when that was the first show to use shit on the broadcast. Oh, really? Yeah. Really stepped in it on that one.

That's right. So she's got some weird device. It's not a phone. It's called Family Wizard. And I have no idea. It's like the divorce app. Yes. The divorce app.

It is real. Super real. What is it? It's literally a commercial for the fucking app in the middle of the movie. She literally says... This is an actual app? It's an actual app. It's not just based on an app.

No, go look at it right now. You know, I'm going through a real rotten divorce myself, and I'd like to shout out the business that really helped me through it. Family Wizard! So what is it? It, like, stops you from cursing. And like, if you... This is a family Willard.

What I was understanding it to be, it's a thing where, like, there's supposed to be no communication between the two people. divorcing and this is how you mediate it and it's like you can't you're not allowed to text each other but you can use this thing and so it's like it it encourages only positive communications and that's my profanity can't be in it and it's what that's what it is and that's like how she can see the daughter is on this video phone only kind of a thing the device itself looks like fucking fisher price though it's like satellite phone that she's carrying it around in are you pulling it up i've confirmed it

yeah it's right here was it already on your phone I can see the words. I can read, Chris. Wow, I didn't know you had a divorce app, Chris. I did. It's been working well. I got to tell you, things are going smooth. I think it also, though, like, when you're making the video calls, at least this is how,

because part of this is Peterberg is trying to get her to use profanity over the video chat. And I think there's someone who's just, like, moderate, like just observing your communication. Wait, really? It's not just like an AI that's saying, like, nah. that no. I mean, maybe it is. I don't know, but like she gets she gets him like instigates

he instigates her into using fuck and he's like, there it is you swore on the toy. Oh shit, you can't swear on the toy? Well, nope. It looks like a Fisher Price toy though. That's true. That causes them to go back to the family wizard.

I mean, this whole fucking thing is nuts. Like, why would you have, why is this a major part? She has to say the name of the item in the movie. I think this movie got made by two means. tons of Chinese money and fucking family wizard's

I agree with that assessment and yes so he's so basically there's something like she's not going to make it for Mother's Day and it's a big thing because by the way also like six pounds or six million pounds or a certain amount of like radioactive dust has been stolen which is a big deal

and everyone's very upset and cursing. Oh cesium. This is where like Mark Wahlberg has this speech or something about like this is not Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. It's like 60,000 people can turn to Jello, which is a great

mental image. I want to keep real. I know in most circumstances everybody has room for Jello, but you don't want to bite it as people Jello. You don't want it. It's goopy and gross. People Jello. At some point they actually call it Fear Gas. That's what it's called.

The Scarecrow was involved. I wish it was the scarecrow was involved. Get somebody to costume going. That would be cool if all of a sudden this was like a backdoor like Gotham Police Department movie. Boston Batman. There's some barfly in that town with that nickname for sure. Yeah, I'm fucking Boston Batman. Yeah.

Why don't you give me another shot of whiskey from Boston? Oh, hey, you? Hey, yeah, look at this. You want Boston Batman to take his shirt off? Actually, for, you know, for legal reasons, we couldn't call him Batman. We called him Verminax. There's a scene where Terry Kenny is like their boss. he was on Oz and a bunch of other shows

he gives them a dressing down about like this whole fuck up and trying to track this guy down or whatever and like make this whole thing right and this is where somewhere around here does the fucking genius dialogue in this script I know I know exactly what I'm gonna highlight shitty is fucked up shit no no no well also

there's a thing where Terry Kenny says to Mark Wahlberg he's like oh it was a mistake huh and basically what he invokes right here are the fucking the Florida flight of instructors. And he's like, was it a mistake when flight instructors in Florida neglected to fucking mention that a 19 year old boy asked for flight

lessons and didn't give a fuck about how to land? And Mark Wahlberg's like, bro, I remember 9-11. That was so inspiring. You invoked 9-11 and now I'm ready to work. Give me a break, man. It's also overwritten. It's also

snappy, snap, snap, snap. Right, because we're also, throughout this entire movie, we're cutting back to that like exit interview that he's giving of like once the mission what fails yes and one of the things he says is just like how like it's like oh you think I believe in the Santa Claus

the tooth fairy a wife's love absolutely not oh dude that's right because he does mention at some point of this film he is not once not twice but thrice divorced wow and just to tell you what kind of fucking asshole he is it's did I do I believe that three wives would love me enough yeah oh yeah

Yeah, that's the whole, it's not that I didn't, like, even fucking Arnold would be like, you know, I had some problems. I didn't, I didn't go home enough. I should have, it's like the mule. Like, just like, I should have been that more. But no, he's like, no, they didn't love me enough. Fuck him. Hey, Jimmy, it's Tony over at Family Wizard. We're going to hook you up with six free months, brother.

You are our number. All my wives. You are our number one customer. Oh, dude, Chris Cabin, you know about this afternoon. What do you have to pay three fees? Oh, yes, you would. Really? Wow, dude. Specifically, if they were going through the divorce.

Well, I guess that's the thing is, like, usually people try the monthly fee, you would quit after the divorce. But when Jimmy's something, like, now, just keep it on my car. I don't want to have to re-enter it. Just stack the deck. It's so hard to re-up a subscription. I'm just going to leave it on. I know it's coming again. I will use you again, divorce app.

Don't worry about it. Eventually, I'm going to marry Lahorn Cohen. We all know this. So eventually, I'll need it. I only use this. thing once a year. And I just said, how's the fucking kid? Well, let me say fucking. Okay, how's the kid? All right. I'll take out the fucking. She's running this informant named, played by Eco I's from the Raid, played what, Lynn Nor? Lee Nor. Lee is this dude's

name. And yet, so we're cross-cadding between like the meeting with Terry Kenny, where they're getting their ass chewed out to this dude walking up to consulate gates back in Indocar City. The American consulate, I believe it is. It's like Indonesian Gotham. You know what I mean? Or like Indonesian metropolis. Indonesian carbamia. Yeah.

Oh, dude, carbamia. Oh, I forgot. Oh, speak of Transformers, bro. No, but so he walks up and presents these, the guards at the gate with this hard drive and he's like seeking asylum. Yeah. And then this dude gets thrown into a different interrogation room. And it's like, oh, we got a fucking. walk in. Oh, who's going to deal with the

fucking walk? And it's this weird thing where like she is trying to deal with the divorce situation. And he, Mark Walberg knows like that her mind was elsewhere and is attributing the divorce to like the thing going tits up. So he's like, you go fucking handle your stupid divorce app and I'll take

the walk in. And he's like dressing down some like low level guard like screaming in this dude's face for no reason. Look, you talk to your husband on this ultra secure line that a hundred thousand million protects from other interests

okay I gotta find out what's going on a mother's day so it's revealed that this dude has like information on this disc and he's like you know you can torture me whatever you know but this is the disc I want I'm going to give you the password if you get me out of

the country get me to America and so like some hacker at Overwatch reveals that it's like the drive like the information on it will disintegrate in eight hours. Sure. And this is what we fucking finally

get to what the thrust of this movie is is they have to basically drive this due to the airport. Which is 22 miles away. 22 miles away from the embassy to the Indocar City International Airport. There it is everyone. There's your 22 miles. That's the movie. If that's the thing I want like a little

clock, a little ticker, this is mile one. Mile two, mile three, mile four. We're going to count miles here, guys. Did they have that for 16 blocks? I forget. Oh, I don't think so. The plane's taken off. Better turn back the spedometer.

I'm going to drive you backwards, Cameron. Now the planes landed backwards. And also the thing that's on the hard drive is the location of all the places where this stolen cesium has been planted all over the world. And that's what turns people to jello. Right. And as if three different timelines and five different fucking subplots aren't enough, we keep cutting back to this Russian woman and this Russian commandant in a room nowhere.

Hey, I'd love to know what they are and what they're doing or who they are but we just see shots of them and then we leave again. You want to know where this room is? Sure. 30,000 feet above the ground because they're in that fucking agents of shield plane.

And then she's just like, da, and she's like, da, and then cut back to the movie. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's a wrap on Elaine. She's out of here. Goodbye, Elaine. I thought the guy in this duo was the actual Russian actor from the Americans, the younger guy. Oh, yeah, he does look like him.

Yeah, but unfortunately it's not, which there you go. That guy guaranteed to be dirt cheap, speaks English fluently, and is a fucking good Russian actor. And I might remember his fucking face when it comes back at the end of the fucking movie. But that just keeps happening. And then you have other Mark Wahlberg being like, you know why you're able to sleep at night? because I'm overwatching all over everything. Oh, sure. He dresses down an actual member of Overwatch, though.

Because the woman is, this is where we find out that the movie's like eventually going to end up blaming everything on women. But like, this woman in Overwatch is like clickety clacking trying to hack this shit. And he's screaming at her because like it's not hacked fast enough. And then like he storms out. And she turns to this other dude and is like, what is that guy's fucking.

problem and ronda rousey who's just still sitting there for some reason goes he doesn't like computer people fucking nerds cut well sure let's keep that in the movie wrong so you're right but there's other there's a brick in the between it which is this whole movie she says what is that guy's major psychological problem and then like one person's like oh it's narcissism the other I was like, hypertension, da-p-da-da. But it goes all around. Then she goes, no, I didn't like computer people. You fucking nerds.

I am acting. Fucking nerds. Hey, he doesn't need therapy. Shut your mouth. The other thing is, so to activate Overwatch, they all have to quit. Is that the thing? It's like they all have to like resign from the CIA or whatever. This happens every single time.

Reinstall the PlayStation app. Well, right, this is like, do I get to cancel my credit? cards are what? Fuck, I have had to have so many debit cards reactivated. This is getting annoying. Dude, the other day, I went into fucking Walburgers to sample a delicious burger, and

my card got turned down. Do you think you can eat for free in any one of those? Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Dude, if you don't recognize him and decline his request for free food, you're fucking terminated. See, but that's easy enough because Mark Wahlberg, you're like, oh, I know that guy. I've seen that guy in a bunch of bad movies.

There's probably also obnoxious pictures all over the place. you've got like Donnie and then sub-doney whoever else is coming in that's his running who's your manager

probably when they don't recognize Donnie all he has to take is Jenna McCarthy out of his wallet and show them he's like yeah

that's me married to a piece of shit how about that man they're just kissing on New Year's every fucking New Year's it's just like

hey look at this shit at the very least dude at the very least they're kissing on New Year but it's like you're watching television

you're mind in your own business. Suddenly you have to see Donnie Walberg. Oh, he was on the broadcast. Zero hour Danny Wahlberg kissing? Oh. He's not there until the smoochers. Oh, shit. Well, because

he's like back like pounding shots of a Chirac or something. Dude, I'll tell you, fucking Carson Daly was lit this New Year's. That guy was drunk as a skunk. He is looking like shit by the way. And I know I look like shit too, but my God, dude. He's just getting older, man. He's like 50-something.

But they were, it was him. and Chrissy Teigen, they were all drunk and Leslie Jones was like, get me out of here. It was awesome. That's what we were watching, flipping back between that and fucking Don Lemon, the greatness that is Don Lemon in New Orleans fucking shit housed. That's some of the best television of the entire year. Fuck you final season of the Americans. I totally forgot they were doing that on CNN's. It's great because before Midnight Eastern, it was Andy Cohen and what's his face? Anderson Cooper. They're doing shots. Yeah, and it's just wasted

there too. It was fucking great. I guess that's the whole point. It's like, get drunk on television. Yeah. Maybe something will have, maybe a memeable moment will happen. And then fucking NBCS and fucking scrape out Donnie Wahlberg out of the garbage. Oh, God, that fucking guy. I just think that television journalism

would be better if more people were drunk on the air at all time. Oh, just in general? Just in general. Not just on the holidays. Of course. What was that? There was a guy that Trump guy who was not drunk on air this earlier this year and was just like spouting off on like Katie Turner. Sam Nunber Yeah

Right Yeah everybody Everybody should do it So whatever Basically like So like they all have to They all have to quit And they're like

We're no longer part of the CIA Bro, we're doing this on our own That's what I think is like It happens every time though Because it's the same thing It's again White Trash Born movies It's White Trash Mission Impossible

It's like You know Should the thing go tits up The Agency disavows any knowledge of you That's what this is You just have to see them do the paperwork. Like, Ethan Hunt gets it. It's known in the voice recording. Like, they will disavow all knowledge. But if I'm part of the House Committee of Overset,

and I'm like, okay, so hi, Jimmy Silva, you quit the CIA 44 times. How does that work? Like, you know what I mean? Like, you worked from like January, March 2008 to, like, April, March, 2008, and then you joined back again the next day and that da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I feel it's a thing, dude, where it's like we're just not asking any questions because we're told. They're the third option. Gotcha. Well, if you ask that question, like fucking Louis Gomer from Texas

or something is going to shut you down and say you're not allowed to. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you'll... Respect the troops. And the deep state. Respect the deep state. Respect the quitted troops, the guys who quit.

Yeah, it's important. Yeah, they are the third option. The first option is diplomacy. The second option is the military. And the third option, well, that's Overwatch. I mean, the third option is mile 22. The third option is a group of people who when are all in a room, somebody smells like pee.

Oh, yeah, it's called a podcast. So yeah. John Malcovich kind of like signs in. He sachets in with his fucking chop top wig. And of course, he's got to be like kind of wacky so like he can only conduct missions if he's wearing black truck tailors. That's like a character thing. You know what? We're having fun here.

he's got black chuck tailors failing at fun this is how you fail at fun you make your character look like he's wearing black chuck tailors in a military operation combined with the wig that j k. Simmons wore and all those Spider-Man that's it god damn

get me pictures of Spider-Man drone pictures of Spider-Man oh that's how you get that fucker finally dude just drone strike Spider-Man definitely you have a big like oh thank you Spider-Man ceremony and he gets up on the stage and he realizes oh my god all the presenters are just holograms and then he looks out into the

crowd of well-wishers and all the well-wishers are holograms and then shump fucking drone strike on spider-man should have noticed those 200 two-hupac Shakur's i should have noticed i was being presented this award by amy winehouse spider-man you're about to join the 27 club oh right i was past the key to the city by freddie mercury cut to kingpin well that was easy shit just need a drone huh okay

they keep uh so there is i got to say when this movie gets into fucking fuck you we're just going to do some fights stuff like this hospital fight i was paying attention this is an epic battle in this movie because he was uh eco ice was also like the stunt choreographer so like he he choreographed these stunts. These two assassins come after him

in a hospital room. These guys are robots. He kicks them in the head 45 times, knocks them over with half of a hospital bed, and they keep coming up. Maybe the robots, like, from Halloween 3. That's what Silver Shamrock branched into, right? Like, he failed at the whole killing kids thing, maybe, we don't know.

Yeah. So then now it's like, you know, 30 years on. He's making robots for the military. I think he did. The Indocar City military. Better movie, man. If they actually brought that into Plyb. if they were just robots? Yeah. They actually acknowledged it was a silver shamrock.

Bro, silver shamrock. Like my Celtics hat. I think he made Ronda Rousey, too. She gets exploded like six times before she, sorry, passes. The other guy who looks like he plays like third guitar

in some metal band. He's like the other, like, sniper or whatever they have. He doesn't even head PE. Oh, deep dive. Yeah, don't worry about it. I don't even know what you're saying. Exactly.

Is that another no-fap thing? Yes. No, they open... Head P.E. FAP to my friend. They did plenty of that. He is faping right now. Fapping in heaven? Is he faping in heaven? It's not a person, Eric. It's a band.

Is he still alive? I think so. At least enough of them are. They opened for Incubis twice. Oh, wow. Incubis, named after a sex parasite ghost. Right? As well? Oh, yes. The movie, yeah. No, but like what an incubus is.

Oh, it's not like... Yeah, they sneaks in the room in that. Yeah, exactly. It's fucking weird. Don't like that. Why the hell was I bringing up that? I'm looking up head P.E. Sorry. I'm over here vamping about incubus. Head planetary evolution, by the way. Don't worry about it. No, how he dies or whatever or whatever. He's a robot. Dougie. Right. Dougie gets visited by. Doggy looks like a member of head P.E.

Oh, yeah. That's all. Oh, so this dude, that's right. Thank you. So this dude who's fucking biting it, he gets shot with sniper rifles like eight times and he keeps going. like, oh, all right, time to keep firing this gun. And they finally have to, like, shoot him in the head to take him down. But that dude gets shot like seven times. I think he's, him and Rousey are both robots. And Wahlberg is God. Well, right.

Yeah. So we're on the mile, we're on the road. We're going mile 22. There's two cars. Everything's going well until the second car, like, explodes. Like, I think it's a missile or something. Dude's on motorcycles roll up and pop like these little, like, magnetic bombs on the side of it. Pretty cool.

Before that, they go to the new place and they set up the whole thing. And John Malkovich, I don't know if he has to get, does he have to give this speech every time? Oh, well, yeah, he's like, we are, uh, we are an integral part of the, excuse, you know what, we're gonna get, we're shooting people.

Sorry. We're just gonna kill a bunch of people. It's like a cop who's like tired of reading the Miranda act. You got to do it. He's like just going through like, hey, yeah, yeah, we're, uh, we're the third option, all that stuff. You've all heard it before.

Let's go to work, people. Same four fucking people. Bishop and Knight and Rook How about we just pretend we all know each other And just kill people like we always do How about that fans? But they're MapQuest They don't even kill anybody

Like literally all they do is just like Oh, there's some kids They're the Ways app Honestly It's like there's a little congestion up the Up the street Go take a right, go around If the Ways app could kill

Yeah Oh that's a movie If Ultron got into the Ways app Yes exactly Which I think he did Probably did Yeah Oh yo

Oh, turn, go slow down There's a little cop icon With a funny little mustache See what he's up to What are you doing, cop icon? Oh wait, hold on a second My Ways app, DroneStrike.com Whoa, look at all these user submissions

For drone strikes on Ways Clearing up traffic Holy shit, he sounds like James Spader So they blow Yeah, they blow up the second car And like this is one like This is when Rouse is has to like heroically kill herself

like they go up. Oh, this is great. This is by the way, this is also watching a robot be like turned off or whatever. Yeah, totally going to do this, like the switch on the back of her head. It's like the end of Chapy over here. You know, I believe you know, I felt more for Chapie to be. Yeah. Because Ronda

Rousey is in the second car with all these other dead meets who we like barely met that are part of this team. And this, yeah, this bomb goes off. Somehow the other three dudes are killed instantly. Thank God. we're cutting back to John Malkovich, his little Overwatch Command Center,

where we have like literally just like a video game, the fucking health monitors of all these people. Yes, exactly. With little photos of them like we're playing Doom. Yeah, you gotta keep track, dude. Yeah, we wouldn't just have the names. We got to have the file photo right there. Rhonda's a little bloody on her lip.

Exactly for that. Looks like the health's at 50% everyone. Better make a potion. So you see these three dudes like their heart rates go to zero immediately. And she's at like seven. Yeah. And Mark, Hallberg comes up. He's like, you did a fucking great job. For a little girl, you did a great fucking job. Does he say that? No, but. Yeah, similar. Yeah. But just imagine if he did, Steve. If you could just imagine if he said that. You know what, Jimmy? Just cut the shit. I know I'm dying. Will you just give me the fucking grenades and shut up? Please. Give me my customary Overwatch suicide grenade couplet. The only good thing about dying is I won't have to fucking deal with you anymore. Just go away. You won't be my boss. So they blow up. There's this guy who's like,

leader of this terrorist faction, which I actually don't even understand. So there's the Russians who are barely in the movie. Who are these people that want to kill Eco Ice? They are the police for the fake IndyCar City cops. And he's got other

information that's sort of something or other, right? Is that the idea? Well, they don't want to give anything up to the Americans for free, I guess. I think that's the thing. Also, everybody is up for sale, other than the deep state. That's what you really have to do. Everybody is up for sale except for them. They are the only real good people.

So this is anti-deep state, you think? No, I think this is very pro-deep state. But when you watch it, it comes off bad. Yes. If you're watching it and we're like, this is fucking bullshit. So in this scenario, you're saying that the Overwatch team is the deep state.

Yeah. Okay. I think that's true. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. A lot of stuff's happening. I don't know. My head's starting to hurt trying to figure out this movie. to lay down for a little.

I'm getting dizzy talking about mile 22. That's the 22nd mile doesn't to you. They go to a coffee shop to hide for a little bit. We find out some more information. Mark Wahlberg has a conversation with this lead bad guy who's just like, hey man, give me this dude or else you're, you know, it's all going to come down on it. It doesn't have to be this way kind of a thing. Right.

And he's like, fuck you, Indococop. Well, that's where the agro stuff comes back in a little bit. Oh, it never goes away. It comes back. That one specifically is when he's in the, they're like back at the headquarters and like this guy who's the head of police. Yes. It's just like, yeah, you should just give me that person that's here. Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah. Well, fuck you, bro. He's like, well, fuck you, bro. That's exactly what it is. And do you know who this guy is, by the way? I thought I recognized him. Now I know why. This dude is an actor named Sam Medina.

And we just heard from him last week. He's the dude in Venom who's like shaking down that Chinese grocer. Oh, yeah. Very nice. He's starring in an upcoming movie. I'm sure to think his stupid Elita colon battle angel. Oh, boy. I've seen those trailers.

That looks awful. You've seen those trailers for about a full year. That movie's got pushed back a couple of times. Absolutely right. So it was a big year for this guy. Oh, he was also in kickboxer retaliation. Oh. did he play the retaliation

he played Crawford gotcha yeah you want a big name for the retaliation not just him so there's some sort of suicide bomb that happens here and everyone sort of still lives and then like Mark Wahlberg

and the guy from the brain are just beating the shit out of these women for a little while this is what's insane so like they're going into this bakery and somewhere yeah in earlier in the film there was some mention

I don't know if it's Terry Kenny somebody's like that's the thing We don't even know who the bad guys are anymore. They could be kids. They could be little girls. We don't even know, bro. Who knows?

I got to start killing little girls. And so that's why there's this thing where, like, when they're entering this bakery, these two girls are coming out. And Mark Wahlberg, like, Kynzel looks at them, like, suspiciously. The whole thing goes down. Fuck you, bro. No, fuck you, bro. Yeah.

And then, like, a bomb goes off. And he's like, who could have left that bomb here? And then these two women march back into the bakery and start fighting them. Yeah, it's like fucking final fight. You know what I mean? They have little knives and little energy bars. This is like Battle of Algiers for idiots. It really is.

And they're fighting and who cares. There's one death that I love. And I don't know where it happens because there's so many miles in this movie. But at some point, Equalice has this dude. He's in a car. Yes. I love this. The window breaks.

And he takes his handcuffs over this guy's head and starts like dragging his neck from left to right over the jagged window. Doe over and over again? Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Probably the best part of the film. We're going to get into where it rips off the raid. I think that's from the raid too. Oh, really? Oh, is it?

I'm almost positive. Wait, you're saying that's from the raid also, or is I'm also? Sorry, sorry, it might be in raid two. I remember him slitting a throat with glass like that before. Raid 2 does have some sick motorcycle shit in it, though. I've never seen the raid 2. It's like 12 scenes and they're all the same thing. it's like the first movie

yeah pretty much I was kind of done with the first I mean I like the first music got it yeah yeah not everything needs a sequel yeah but mile 22 how about mile 23 mile 24 and mile 25

because there's apparently they were talking about making more the tribune says that Peter Berg and Mark Wahlberg envisioned this to be a trilogy but this didn't do well right no it did I mean it made about 10 million with foreign stuff.

It made about 10 million over what it cost. Question. Maybe it's mile 22 colon the off ramp. Oh, yes, definitely. I like that. Mile 22 colon pull over for texting. Mile 22. I have to piss right now. That's it.

That's it. Rest stop. Oh, yeah, dude. Mile 22. This is the last cast station in the state, guys. Just saying. Last rest area. for 34 other miles. So, yeah, I mean, like, we do wind up.

Then this other guy also gets killed. I think it's around the bakery scene. He's just getting plugged up with shots, but he's still, like, shooting people heroically. Because it's a weird, like, his legs get fucked up in the bakery explosion. And Mark Wahlberg, it's a weird, I think he changed his mind at some point,

because the initial thing is, like, no leave him for dead. Yeah. And then Lauren Cohen, like, goes to get in the car, and then he's, like, dragging, Mike Wahlberg himself is dragging this. dude. So I was like, did he, he definitely just told Lauren Cohen to leave this man for dead. Now, he's like taking care of it or whatever.

No, but I think Mile 22 or Overwatch protocol is like, you're allowed to die only after you get like three or four more kills. Like, sorry, dude, you don't have enough kills to die, dude. Yeah. Oh, we're not done with you just yet. We're going to prop you up like a scarecrow. You're respawned, bro.

And this is what I was talking about. He keeps getting shot by these Indocar cops. Sure. And he gets like blasted like four or five times. he finally falls down this is where the dude who's like the head police guy comes up this dude from Venom and just fucking shoots him in the head

immediately. Motherfucker gets shot more than the Terminator and is still enough to like look at the guy who's going to kill him. He's an Overwatchian man. And this is where also like they're cutting between all this shit happening and this is where Malcovic is giving one of those speeches. Yeah. Where it's like your whole team is getting

fucking butchered right now. What are you doing? And also yeah, you're the whole reason that this is happening. At one point they get fucking T-boned. I'm like, you know what, Overwatch? The one thing you should at least be able to tell me is when I'm going to get hit by a fucking car. Right. Hey, Mark, you want to watch your left there,

buddy. There's a, oh, that thing's really speeding up as you get past the crosswalk. I'm sorry, it's my first day here on the Overwatch team. I'm pawn. I'm new to the organization and I'm really bad at reading maps, it turns out. Pornhub is totally clear, you guys.

It continues to be clear. You know what, Jerry? If you want to be bumped up from intern status to chess piece status? You got to get off that point at work, buddy. My name is Checker. I got transferred here. Checker.

Checker's like Grubhub is totally clear, my friend. You're going to have some problem with the brazers, though. I'm sorry. Something's popping up there. Popping up on the brazers. I couldn't read this map where the terrorists were driving

because I was looking at pornography at work. I bet you anything that's happened in an actual U.S. military operation. Of course, all of them. What? I just drone struck a church? And there was a wedding going on there, huh? Well, I was looking at pornography at the time.

When Patton gave that huge speech that everyone loved, but then, like, you fucking dropped his playboy's magazine. Ooh, la, la. Uh-la-la-la. So, which is very unlike most Eco-Eyce movies, he winds up in an apartment building, wouldn't you know, and he has to fight his way out. You're literally dragging the Star of the Raid Redemption

upstairs in a fucking burned-out apartment complex. Come on. In Indonesia, no less. Or, I was like, New Car. Yes, but that's exactly what they hired him for. They were just like, we're going to do that. We're going to get some of that magic. But, like, why does this movie?

need that. It's almost like space jam at that point. You know what I mean? Like you're taking one thing that has nothing to do with everything else and making sure to retrofit it because the one guy you hired is good at that thing. But like not like I was engrossed in this movie. It is a blissful 95

minutes. Sure. But like this movie well, it's blissfully only 95 minutes. It's not a blissful 95 minutes. Thank you. But like it comes to an even deader stop when we get to this apartment complex. I'm like, I fuck saw that movie. It's like two and a half

hours long and they go up the whole thing. I'm rallying against, I'm rally behind Steve's idea. Fucking keep Eco-O-O-Ice and everybody else is a cartoon. Oh yes. It's a cartoon city you made it up. Who gives a shit? Well, well the apartment fight Space Jam mashup, that's

just attack the block. Oh, that's close. Still haven't seen that movie. That's pretty good. I wanted to see it. Good movie. That's with Joe Boega. John Boega, right? Yeah, I have not seen it either. It's very good. missed it. Yeah.

It's only one else you miss them. You just miss those movies. Double back. But speaking of doubling back. So like,

Ronda Rousey, like the second she has like a fucking she gets a splinter in her foot like, hey, hey dude, here's some grenades, go kill yourself.

The other guy is like, becomes an inconvenience. Here's a fucking sniper rifle. Go kill yourself. Right. Lauren Cohen like gets separated from them. And like John Malkovich is like, you know,

this is overwatch, baby. That's how it is. Right. And like Mark Wahlberg is like, nah, she's the hot one. nah like it's it totally like undermines the rest of the movie

like it makes like it makes it really shitty ronda rousey dies like to the movie's credit that's the only character I know anything about and what I know about her is the divorce app right yeah yeah she said fuck on an app ronda rousey you know geez it might as well be a cardboard cutout yo bishop bishop do me a favor

she's single bro I got I got get some I'm sorry well malcovitch is literally like okay so now like you have to go this way And he's like, no, tell me where Lauren Cohen is. Yeah. And he's like, no, dude, remember fucking mile 22? You have to get this guy to the airport.

And there's a clock and everything. Because the hard drive's going to disintegrate. And he's like, bro, Bishop, I fucking love you like a brother, bro. But I will fucking tear your scrotum off. You fucking tell me where Lauren Cohen is in this ratty-ass apartment complex. And I'm going to go save a bro because I got to get late at some point. Wife number four is on the fucking way. Did you hear what Rhonda Rousey said about the computer people?

I fucking hate you. The computer people. I'm picturing like people that come out of your computer. It's fucking slender man. Territory. Or trom. Then he turns to the guy ego-wise, like, look, I saw this movie called The Raid once. And it looked a lot like this apartment building.

And you look like that guy, bro. You got to be on my squad. We're squadding up right now. We're bros. Squatting it. I'll be honest. I was a little drunk when it happened. I think I remember

What are they'll streep in that? They're teeing up because I think equal wives has a feelings for her or something Well he's trying to show the both of them That he's like on their side Because they're like, we don't fucking trust you Because if you look at this team makeup right now brother It is white, white

And brown We do not trust you sir And so he's the whole movie Yeah, yeah Trying to get their trust Yeah so he's like He's like all right cool Like we will also

I will go with you to save her Lauren Cohen is like stuck in a room with this dude This is another awesome scene Where like this dude has her dead to rights And she starts like fake crying Yeah And she has like smashed a window And you see like the camera goes down

And she's just holding a shard of glass in her hand And the dude comes over to like finish her off And she starts fucking stabbing this dude in the face It's good but she has to kill that guy Yes Because Mark Wahlberg has to save her It's like she becomes a damsel instantly Yeah

they do have like kind of a killer fight he's like thrown all over the place and it's not Mark Wahlberg it's this dude Eco Weiss does it because it's like he's about to like lay the death blow and then like the fucking forehead explode

Yeah Oh sick bro that's like 10x people Headshot Oh I could level up I could change my weapons now It's gonna go great for my inventory That's the only time where in cells are allowed to jerk off is when their computer says headshot

whatever video game there is there's also an obnoxious thing where like they turn one corner and Mark Wahlberg like almost shoots this little girl in the face and he's like oh well bro I didn't know you were a little kid and the girl just does a waving like

come on this way why in the world would this little child help these terrorists she was with Lauren Cohen for a while Lauren Cohen saved her somewhere oh that's right she speaks to the woman and like he has a I forget even how the

the main baddie dies in this scene. It really doesn't matter. Or does he not die? I don't even know. No, he's the one who gets drone strikes. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's so confusing. He's in this apartment building and they're kind of going back and forth.

Just give me the guy. It'll all work out for you, man. Yeah. No, it's just more. Fuck you, bro. Fuck you. No, fuck you. Double fuck you.

Dude fucking triple fuck you infinity, motherfucker. No, no, no, no, no. Quadruple fuck you are with cherries on top. Double no, no, no, no, Baxi split. No fuckbacks, bro. Fuck you. Mark, that's great, man. Oh, man.

The way you say fuck, Mark, if I was like, I'm not getting hard. I'm just letting you know, dude. I'm not getting hard, but shit, I love when you say fuck. We're going to, you know what? I'm working on Parkland, the movie. And next, you're going to be in it, Mark. Whoa. Well, that would finish off his.

That's exactly his kind of movie. That's exactly the fucking movie he'd make. The tragedy trilogy. Yeah. Tim and Paul Greengrass. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Greengrass really has the fucking market cornered on those movies, man.

All right. I don't need to see it. Yeah, we can just not make those. That's fine. Gus Van Sant made a great school shooting movies. It's true. Jesus. At least he fictionalized it, though, sort of kind of, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. It was Colomber. I'm going to Calmer High School. Ah, Colorado. Yeah, it's just like the way they geniusly fictionalized. one in Voxlux. Yeah.

Really saying something. I like that movie. I'm the one. I can't wait to check it out. So yeah, they are on the road. The dude who's like the head cop cuts them off with the pass and they have to get to this airport.

And it is the laziest like, yo, John Malkovich, we're going to use a cheat code right here, bro. Fire up the game, Jeannie. And they just drone strike this dude. Well, no, he had enough head shots earlier that he had a shot. You have unlocked drone strike.

Oh, I'm going to use, I'm going to say what to use it. No, don't blow through it, bro. We got to wait until we get caught off on the road by the main bad guy. Oh, do I have a turbo boost left? I don't. I am all out of turbo boosts. Oh, there's the main bad guy, A, B, down up, A, B, down up, left, right, select. I ran out of unicorn horns to make my potions.

And who is this also, so the plane is landing. So they blow that dude up. The plane's landing, but the plan's like, we got to go. I'm like, where are you going? Because they got the ticking clock for no reason. But it's also a weird, like that plane. This is the plane that's taking him away to America. And they could only stop on the runway for like two minutes for some reason.

I didn't understand that either. Dude, FedEx overnight. Oh, yeah. And then there's a storm and it crashes on an island. And this dude's the only survivor. It's him in a volleyball. Mark Wahlberg is trying to fit eco-wise into a package. It's like, all right.

Do you imagine that guy doing some race? shit to a bunch of fucking, I don't know, what's on an island? C coconuts? Badgers? Oh, badgers? Coconuts. Yo, if it fits in chips, bro. Animal, wild boar. That's what I'm looking for. He keeps on finding Wilsons and

killing them. I keep getting all these Wilsons. Using car doors to cut fucking volleyballs in half. A bunch of cars, you know, what do they call that? Not when something's on a coast.

And it washes in from C. That's what I meant. Washed up? Yeah. That's what you were thinking of? Sure. All right. Adrift?

I don't know. Maybe I'm washed up. When they fucking pull this drone strike off, you have to have the cut back to the control room where they're all laughing their fucking balls off about it. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

They're just screaming their fucking gonads off. Because it's just like Call a Duty, brother. Yeah, nothing matters. I just ended up life. Yep. But you know what, Eric? That's what freedom is built on, dude. Killing.

Yeah. Like this is my other film, The Patriot Act, probably. Where's the movie about that? The Patriot Act? They should just make a Patriot Act movie. Maybe that's all Mark Wahlberg movies. What am I thinking of?

Oh, no, it's in The Departed where Alec Baldwin's like, God, I love the Patriot Act. Right. Yeah, that's what's happening now, dude. I want to suck the Patriot Act. It's fucking scary. They could drone strike you. at any moment.

Right this second, you could be drones struck. But don't worry, they only do it when they really, really, really, really need to. Yeah.

It doesn't happen all the fucking time every day. Man, on the way here, I saw these two giant jets with like the weird round thing on top of it where it's like collecting data or something.

Those are the drones, dude. Dude, there's weird shit going on. Yeah, like in all times. Say, look to the skies.

Look to the skis. But didn't I? So now we're at the airport. Finally. We get the airport. Another big ball move right here, Steve. Oh, what's that? Mark Wahlberg decides he's going to take this fucking truck right on the runway and play chicken with an airplane.

That's right. So fucking cool, man. Did you see this movie? Coolest movie. Smartest guy in the known world. Oh, my brain works so fast. So I'm going to ram this fucking airplane. Remember that?

My brain works fast. That is a great point, Eric. Never does he outthink anyone in this? Never. If anything, he under thinks everyone because there is a twist coming up. He out bullets a lot of people. Yeah, actually, that's a great point. The world's greatest genius. He makes the plane stop.

And equalized, like, oh, thanks so much, man. Thanks so much for getting me here. Here's the pass code to stop the thing. And then you'll know where all the bombs are, oh, by the way, say hello to your mother for me. And this guy who's doing blank. And the whole movie, he's calling, like, mother, tell me this. Mother, tell me that.

And that's like John Malcolm, which is a codename on top of Bishop. And he's like, mother. Well, my mom, my mom died in 82. So how would I say? Is this like him driving for an hour? Like, mother, mother. He takes offense to it, though, as if it was his own mother. Because he's like, the fuck you say to me?

Like, the door to this plane closes. It's the biggest, like, what are you going to do about? Can you bring her back? Can you bring her back? Mother, the fuck you, what the fuck did you say to me? Did he mean mother to me? Was he quoting Ghostbusters tune? Bro, that's my favorite movie.

And Walberg to me. 21, while 20. Mother, motherfucker. Mother. 19. The Albert Brooks movie, Mother with Debbie Reynolds. That's a good one. 17.

I got to talk to that movie. 12. Does he like dance it? Mother, tell your children not to walk my way. No, that can't be it. That's a great song. Mile 15. There's also a garbage thing.

That Darren Novdowski movie, man. Oh, but that's right. Oh, but that's an exclamation point. You didn't say, say hi to your mother for me. Was he telling me to get my house guests out? Mile 12. Was it a metaphor for the Bible, bro? Was he talking about my stepmom, Elaine?

Or the virgin, Mary? Should I be talking to a virgin right now? Step mom. Okay, I'll put on Ait No Mountain High enough in this car and I'll remember. Julia Roberts was fucking great in that movie. Nope, now I'm convinced he was talking about the song Stacey's mom. Pro, Fountains of Wayne are totally underrated. File four.

Oh, wait, I get it. He fucking turns around. He also says, so Lauren Cohen at this point has taken a bullet. Oh, that's right. And so she's like, she's going to go on this plane with this dude to go back to America or whatever to see your daughter. And he, she says, or no, he says, you got six days, go be your mother. Yeah. And she goes, I'll be back in five.

Fuck you little girl. Yeah, totally. Like, you got time off from work. The threat has been neutralized. You were also shot in the gut or whatever the fuck happened. You stabbed or whatever that you did. I can only see that bitch for like four days a week, man. I'll be back in five.

Can I be back in three? It's like, I want to report that to the divorce app. Did you hear what she just said about that little girl? Back in five. She's been gone for seven months. Can't even do six days at home, man. It's bullshit. So we get on the plane and like, you know,

Eco-wise is now doing a sinister. He's not the world's greatest actor. But he's not doing it now. Of course, he's a stunt man. Greatest trick. Yeah. We are doing kind of unusual suspects. Kind of.

We're also doing a John Malkovich going, he's not a double agent. He's a triple agent. Dude, that way to second. It was like Robert Shaw's fucking fingernails on the chalkboard, dude. Oh my God. Right, because he was pretend.

Wait, he was because he was Indocarn Nation. Right, but he's working for the Ruskys. But he was then working, turning over to the Americans. All along, he was a roosterone. You know what he was doing, dude? You know what he was doing? he was just lying about being in Jabu! You know what, if Eco Weiss's whole motivation

was a cartoonish love of gold, better movement. The treasure. The treasure is the airplane, I guess. Because I guess he takes it over. We don't really know what happens. Because this movie ends on a cliffhanger that no one is excited about. Because Mark Wahlberg is back in Southie

before he knows what the fuck he just told him. So to telegraph with a twist is, so she gets on the plane's mother, what does that mean? And then, you know, Malcovich figures that at first, like, oh, my God. There's also like, oh, that's right, they finally crack the disc. They find the locations. And this picture is coming through. And like, who is this person on this picture?

And it's the guy that Mark Wahlberg killed in the beginning of the movie. So, Mark, so the dude, the 18-year-old that Mark Wahlberg murdered. Also, they're trying to piece it together. That's slow as fuck with these people because they're like, I can't read it. It's all in Russian. Who could be behind this? And it's like this weird informational mosaic. and it makes the picture of the 18-year-old kid.

He is the son of that woman that's just up in the plane with that other guy. We don't know anything about. And the password was the address they were looking for. Christmas. 11 Christmas. Yeah, exactly. But in Russian, whoa. Oh, shit, there's a burp.

The derp state. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. This movie should be called the derp state. Jim Varty in the derp state. Oh, shit. Let's use the living. dude, Larry the cable guy.

Oh, that's the move. Oh, man, I'm working for the DERP state. Actually, the DERP state. I'm working for the Deep State, but for me, it's the DERP state. Oh, DIRP. Sure what I've done framing the president, Trump, can I have some chicken wings? Maybe it's a thing where he opens a pizza place that's called the DERP State pizza. Oh, okay.

And something, something gets mistaken. He's looked up in the phone book as the Deep State. And he somehow falls ass backwards into another mission. And everybody thinks he's Q. is this is this is pizzeria is next to like the derp university or something yes exactly yeah his last name's derp derp dirt street oh that's what it is yeah i'm larry durp and this is my pizza palace yuck oh man i like derp state i'm into it you're gonna be in a derp state when you have some of my derp state pizza i tell you that ernie hudson comes in and a black

suits like larry we need your services as the founder of the derp state I didn't mean it that way. Too late. Yeah, then he's just like, oh, good cover, Agent Q or whatever, right? Yes. And then this would be a great movie. Hey, I'm getting into this cue and on stuff. Hey, cool, I'm doing missions for the Rothschilds.

Yes, my bosses are lizards. Okay. So, yeah, it's like, that was. I mean, I'm sorry, but that would be a great movie is if you could like fold in everything and like totally straight face. Everything the Q and on people believe as a movie. Right.

But like with like high budget actors kind of a thing, I'd be into that. It'd be very funny. What Larry doing this? Yeah, Larry or anybody, you know. Like Gary Oldman in his fat suit as cute. Is that what you mean? Only dark web I know anything about

is the spider waves in my shower. You got to get, now you got to get the dude who played that fucking obese vampire and blade. Oh, yeah. Well, that guy's probably... We're sure that's not just Doug Jones, too? Yeah, it could be. Oh, maybe. I don't know.

No, you know, it was probably butterball at a surprise appearance. It's a rare secondary appearance. Right. Oh, Larry the cable guy in a Hellraiser movie. Yeah. Dude, his pizza place is called Cento Bites. I like that. Whatever it is that you're putting him in, he has to be

opening a pizza room. That's all the same. When leather and chains are on a pizza, you can eat a pizza anytime. I had a pizza when I'm dangling from the ceiling held by my nipples. Oh, ew, I just thought about Larry the Gable guy's a nipples. My pepperonies. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. So this dude, yeah, he's working for the Russians or whatever.

And we finally get back to the Mark Wahlberg testimonial or whatever this fucking interrogation is. And he's like, yeah, so he kind of just kidnapped her. And we don't know where the plane is. That's the end of this movie. But he said, no, no, he says the great game. Yeah. Much like Sherlock Holmes, the great game continues, bro. I'm going to solve this fucking, the world's most difficult jigsaw puzzle.

This is amazing. It's, he says the game continues. He's dumping out that white puzzle box again. He goes, today was yours. And he's doing this puzzle with a fucking photograph of this dude taped to the wall. And he goes, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, yeah. And then you see a copy of Jordan Peterson's book on his nightstand.

He's ready for the world. What are like, what an audacious thing to set up this sequel like this? Do I have health insurance again? By the way, I'm back at the CIA. Hello, hi. Re-sign me up for the CIA. He comes in, he's wearing like big spectacles. He's like, hello, it's my first day at the CIA.

It's going to say, if Terry Kinney ever sees him again, he's going to chop him up and put him in a fucking calzone and serve him at the fucking messall. For all the shit he did. That's another Larry movie, dude. He opens a pizza place, and it's not going so hot, but then to boost business, he starts making calzone out of people. A blood diner remake. Really? Yes, dude. Okay.

But you leave out all that stupid shit with, like, trying to cast a spell and whatever that's in that movie. Keep all the bullshit in with him. But that's a good name for it. Mess Hall. Oh, Mess Hall. I love it. I love it. It's him and a blood stain, but also, like,

you know chocolate stained white shirt totally beleaguered on the cover oh he's definitely looking beleaguered i've been eating chocolates and cooking peoples wait is this the calzone with the people or the calzone without the people you got to try it that's all i know it's in a box walmart dot com i feel like the DVD box is him with the two like legs in his arms looking surprised that you open the door on him yes yes it's really badly Photoshop too I like it There's one's cheeseburger flavor. What he does is he puts, because when he's cutting up the bodies, dude, he puts the chocolate under his nose, like sounds of the land. Oh, I see.

It's all he smells while he's doing this fucking cut him up job is just chocolate. But then for a moment, it looks like he's got a Hitler mustache, and now that's a 20-minute comedy bit no one asked for it. See, this thing writes itself, man. It's so easy. We need to be Larry's writers. I know we've spoken ill of him quite a bit on this show. Right, but, you know, it doesn't have a kind of a working relationship. We know.

We know how to write for his character. And we would have to respect it to a degree because otherwise we wouldn't enjoy talking about it this much. That's exactly right. I would say Larry the cable guy, a better person. Well, Dan, whatever is. Dan Whitney. It's probably a better person in general than Mark Wahlberg.

I'd rather have lunch with Dan Whitney than Mark Wahlberg for sure. Oh, 110%. Well, who would you rather have lunch with the Mark Wahlberg or Larry the cable guy? Oh, definitely Dan Whitney. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. He's in character. He's not Dan Whitney.

So it's either Mark Wahlberg the person Or this just got fun Yeah or Larry the cable guy The fake person Well obviously Larry Yeah Larry Because I want to see the master work up close You know what I imagine being around someone

And their fucking like bit doesn't drop like that That's uncomfortable Like when you go to like a fucking historical side or whatever And it's like yes we are the original pilgrims All that stuff feels like that Jim and Andy movie Where like Jim Carrey keeps doing Andy Kaufman I was like, could you just shut the fuck up? Oh, right.

Who is that that he calls in the middle of the night? Oh, is Milo Schormann himself? He called him in the middle of the night as Andy Kaufman. Oh, God. I don't need this gym. Jim. What did I do? Do you remember the most terrifying part of that, though?

What's that? When Andy Kaufman's, like, surviving family came to the set. Yeah. And he, like, spoke to the sister as Andy Kaufman. And she's saying, like, on camera that it was very cathartic. And I'm like, maybe it was. And if that worked for you, fine. but that's the creepiest thing

I've ever heard in my life that's like Alps the Yogo's Lanthamos Exactly like Alps So anyway This movie's over It's a cliffhanger It fucking failed at the box office

So I don't know Maybe we won't And if it fails like this And they don't get a sequel greenlit It'll be like no bro We always meant to leave it open-ended I feel like it's gonna be Nicholas Cage and Mile 23

Oh really Oh yeah You know no it's not he's he's too big Yeah really like he's This is more of a Dave Battista day and date release on VOT. Please stay away.

You're better than this. You were in Blade Runner 2049, you were in Specter. Come on. You're in the Guardians movies. You can't do this to yourself. Oh, he will. It's me.

I'm doing huge puzzles. Actually, we've been talking about it this whole time. Taking over sequels. Nobody wants fucking Larry. Oh, Mile 23. Exactly.

But he's exactly the same character. He's got the little Livestrong bracelet, everything. You got to have the Camel hat because he's undercover. Just take his character from Delta. the farce and moving on up. Larry, your brain, it goes too fast.

It does what? It must have been those chicken nuggets. Just eat pulled pork every time that you, it goes too fast. That's every time. You would do a puzzle. Chicken nuggets make my brain go fast. Pull pork slows it down. So I just fucking hammered out a bunch of nugs.

And then I think so. And then sometimes I've got to pull back a little bit. Hey, cool, I'm having an aneurysm. You ever do a puzzle so quick your back cracks. he's never done a puzzle quick no oh man that's the end of this movie wouldn't anybody recommend it no i wouldn't i mean like literally just close your eyes and imagine the guy from the raid sawing someone's head off of a door of a car door yeah that's kind of it that was the only like perk all you need man so no this was a wretched undertaking i fucking hate this movie yeah um it's like

the most cynical movie you've ever because the whole point at the end of it by the way is like Well, they kill us. That's just the way it is, buddy. It's not like he has a better idea. He's just like, well, fuck it. We're just doing it this way now. Yeah, there's no way to put that toothpaste back in the tube, my friend. Oh, wow.

Insightful. No, I think this is trash. I agree. I would say don't watch it ever and move on with your life. Yeah, I would say you can get the exact same experience watching like someone's streaming a video game online. with the exact same language commentary and probably a little racier and racistier also.

As well. Yeah, no, this was horrible. I'm so glad Steve you brought back Wretched Undertaking. It's one of my favorite Steve Zadak expressions. And it encompasses what this was. Even at 95 minutes, like from minute one, I was like, oh, God damn it. Because I actively

do not watch Mark Wahlberg movies. I just don't. And this, you're watching this and it's like, oh, this is where we're at. This is what he's doing now. he's looking very old in this movie I don't know if he wants to hear it much like his old boys in Southie so he's transitioning

he's doing family movies now man that's what daddy's home is about that's stupid fucking instant family movies yeah what is that about he buys kids on the internet yeah like to make it look like he has like a good family oh is that right I was joking I think it's there was an article in the New Yorker about like they do it in China a lot

like you rent a family to make yourself look more in front of whom like business partner stuff like that Is that right? It's something to that effect. Funny enough, Conan O'Brien did a special where he goes to Japan. And they have a service like that. But he's like, how long can I rent these people for?

And they were like three years. Three years. I could have this guy be my father for three years. That's actor. That's bone-jilling. I know. It's terrifying. Wow.

Well, this is like the first Mark Wahlberg, Peter Berg, Joy, we could do that's not centered on a real person who died. So we can have a little bit of fun with this one because that's, that's, that's, this other thing too. It's either like family shit or like these incredible sad stories about real life heroism something, something. And you gotta make them worse by putting Mark Wahlberg. Exactly. By the way, if I die heroically, which isn't going to happen,

don't put Mark Wahlberg as me. And keep it away from Peter Berg, please. Maybe go to the greengrass route where it's like you are there and there is no like sentimentalizing of it. Mark Wahlberg in these movies, it makes it all about him. And it's really fucking bad. Does he catch the Boston bomber in that

movie? I forget. I don't think so. I don't know. I didn't see it. But I figured, you know, he's the one who finds him in that boat. That's true. I'm trying to actually look up the last, oh, all the money in the world. He's actually fuck, see, I thought he was kind of good in that movie. He's fine once he has a director who knows what to tell him to do.

It's Peter Berg, bro. Right. He's not doing anything. Look at how unappealing this all is. Daddy's Home 2. Transformers last night. Patriots Day. Deepwater Horizon. Daddy's home. Ted to entourage, something called Mojave. Oh, that was really bad. Those Ted movies are unwatchable. I skipped that second one. I saw that first one. That was more than enough. Speaking of all the money in the world, I would love to, if I had like,

you know, a trillion dollars, I would pay Christopher Plummer to do a remake of the Let Me Be Frank video shot for shot. That'd be amazing. Maybe he just goes back through all Kevin Spacey's catalog and just re-does them all. I'd watch that. I'd watch that. watch him have all those fucking horrible scars and pay it forward. Detective!

Oh, I thought you were going for one more. Oh, no. Just let me be frank. I finally watch it, by the way. Did I tell you, perfect time to watch Let Me Be Frank on New Year's Eve. Oh, really? It's good, right? Did you time it for the ball drop? I will say this, dude, to say one nice thing about the Let Me Be Frank video,

all in one take. Oh, yeah. The guy's a master. That apron is pretty sharp. Yeah, it was shot by Emmanuel Hubezky. You know, he's good. He's really good. That is Mile 22 directed by Peter Berg. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.com slash WHM podcast.

We should have a bonus episode on there by now or so. Yeah, Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. Right. And if you're new to the whole Patreon game and you want that episode, you sign up now at the five dollar level you not only unlock that but everything else we've done at that level including Jurassic world one yeah that's right episodes and star wars the two hour 51 minute episode on star wars the eight dollar level there's the nexus our star trek show where we also have the wrath of con full length episode over two hours on that and we're introducing a new feature this month that's right

debuting later this january gleep glossary a star wars story so we're just going to be reading some of the old discontinued EU legends Star Wars stories. You know, you might have listened to our episode of Star Wars on the Patreon feed where we talked about, what was his name? Lack Sivrak, man.

Lack Sivrack? The galaxy's most famous Werewolf. Exactly. We're following it up this month. We're going to go around the canteeners. Sign up. You don't want to miss it, man. I'll tell you. A lot of fun. A lot of these episodes involve Eric telling me to shut the fuck out. That's exactly true. I definitely say it at least once.

Oh, that's worth eight bucks. We've already recorded it. We've already recorded it. I've told Chris to shut up. And I will continue. Speaking of continuing, the sum of the worst of the previous year, month rolls on next week. Steve Sadek, what wretched undertaking

are we possibly undertaking next week? Get your tissues out, man. It's life itself. Oh, man. Wow. We just hate ourselves. This should be called We Hate Us. That's it. Oh, man. That dude's TV show is Still thriving, still thriving.

It's something with us in the title. This is us, yeah. This is us hating ourselves watching life itself. Oh, yeah. Not to be confused with the Steve James Roger Ebert movie. Just speaking to tear jerkers.

Oh, right. Great movie. Now, this is like a manipulative tear jerker. Yes. Oh, well, I'm not going to work. I haven't seen it yet. I haven't ruined the experience.

He got laughed at at the Toronto Film Festival. A bunch of people I knew laughed at that film. Samuel Jackson cameo. That's almost hated. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, does Oscar Isaac join the Avengers at the end of that movie? After the snap, you know, man, it's Slim Pickens.

So until next week, where there's Slim Pickens, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedek. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.