We Hate Movies - S9 Ep401: Episode 401 - Life Itself

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang rots their brains attempting to wrap them around the ridiculous grief porn melodrama, Life Itself! What years are these stupid timelines taking place in? What's with that Dylan cover? And why in the WORLD did we have to sit through Olive Oil: The Motion Picture?! PLUS: Peter Venkman's Mouse Trap-esque suicide plan! Life Itself stars Oscar Isaac, Olivia Wilde, Annette Bening, Mandy Patinkin, Jean Smart, Olivia Cooke, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, Antonio Banderas, Laia Costa, Àlex Monner, and, somehow, Samuel L. Jackson; directed by Dan Fogelman. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on We Hate Movies. I don't even know what this is, but it calls itself life itself. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric itself. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, up top, this is, I guess, technically a film called Life itself from the year 2018, directed, of course, by the Grand Master of Screenwriting and Storytelling, Dan Fogelman. But was I, you know what, but you're, you're narrating this. So I don't know. I don't know if I could trust you, Andrew. I don't know if you can tell me of Dan Fogelman.

Oh, wait, Cabin, I got it. We can, we can, we can crack the code right now. Because as it turns out, the only reliable narrator is life itself. Wow. Who in itself is unreliable. Oh my God. Right. So it's blow your fucking mind right now.

I wanted to fucking blow my brains out like Oscarizing. I was so excited. I wanted to take that fucking one-way ticket out of here, too. Oh, dude. Just a fucking Smith and Wesson sandwich. You know what? Not for nothing Oscar. I was like, what, do you have against Danette Benning? Like, you know what, do that at home. Take that shit at home. Or at least give it back to that fucking snooty barista from the beginning of the film. Go back there. Oh, my God. It's Will with 2L's kerblamo.

Right, yeah. Go in there and be like, I would have an espresso shot. Oh, you need an extra shot. shot. That's what you say. I need an extra shot with this. Oh, you can't put one in here. I'll do it myself. Just down. Down expresso instantly. It's a little hot, but then you shoot yourself right there. Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter if

your throat's burned because you're going to be dead in five more seconds later. That's definitely going to burn your throat. In fact, drink more hot expresso because you don't need those innards anymore. What's going to be happening to you? So this movie, by the way, we are continuing now the worst of the previous year.

Oh boy, are we? I, dude, I said this on Twitter and I kind of stand by it, man. The Love Guru is a better film. Wow. I stand by it. No, that's not true. Because at least I was rolling my eyes and sighing and, you know, the love guru was everything I expected it to be and more.

But there's just, there's something about this movie and the attitude that this film is taking, which it's like, we're so fucking smart. Like, the love guru does not pretend to be smart at any point. I just think this is. the thrill of new hate for you It's a brand new movie you just found You're like oh this fucking sucks I mean I've known about it for so long

I actively avoided this movie I've been dodging this movie since September But I will give the movie this credit There are multiple people being hit by buses That's true It's one of my favorite things in cinema Get me hit by a bus Yeah they did it in Final Destination one

And probably a few other sequels A few more They did it in your favorite Ricky Jervais film What was that ghost in town movie or whatever? Ghost town? He's a fucking prick who gets hit by a bus in that movie. So fingers crossed your life imitating art. No, man, you must be edging through the Bourne trilogy.

Really? Because he almost gets hits by buses like at least seven times per movie. I got to re-investigate those. Paul Greengrass, right? And then Gilroy, I think, did the last one. Tony Gilroy. But the first one is, what's his face? Dun, ma' diamond.

Um, so Chris Cabin, I think this was your find. I, I did discover it. Um, so if you could, if you could attempt to just like explain what this movie thinks it's about, that would be cool. What are you talking about? It's about life. It's life itself. It's about life. Uh, no, I guess it's a centered on, um, the meat cube between Dylan Dempsey and Rodrigo Gonzalez. And it begins with all their parents. It's essentially all. backstory for the most part. And also all time takes place at the same time, or at least style, nothing changes. It's exactly like machine in my life in four chapters. Everything's happening at once. Everything's happening at once. Everything looks the same and NYU is a constant location. Absolutely. We got, we got a fucking lifetimes at NYU practically. We got a film permit to

shoot in the West Village and we spent every penny of that permit. And we pretend even, like, the West Village is still scummy, like, later in the movie, which is somehow in the future. But, like, she's going to, like, this gutter punk club in the West Village. I don't know where that is. Where was that? That's what I'm saying. I don't know. Where is that?

It doesn't exist now at all. Maybe it comes back, you know? Maybe after the cataclysm. Oh, right, dude. After the nuclear wars. Yes, after the radioactive wars. Out. It must be all that fallout from the atomic wars.

Yes. Watch out. There's gutter punks out there. right like robocop three yes splatter punks oh yes i would love some that's happening this movie could use some splatter puns definitely every movie and child crime lords yeah i would like that's too i would like that's robocop two oh is it you know you know they got they all got splatter punks though yeah so this movie you can tell you're in for a wild ride when you uh learn from the jump that this movie is broken up into chapters and there's like fucking five chapters of this movie i lost

I was like, oh man, I was sitting in my wife. I was like, does this movie start with a quote or what? Like I was just expecting like a very long or maybe even a series of quotes. But no, we did, we want chapters instead. Did you do that because the, this is us opens with a stupid quote about Wikipedia. So this movie is made by the guy who made the smash hit television show. The television phenomenon. Yes, that's, that's correct.

When I look at it, I'm like, what is this? So it's called, This Is Us. I was so glad when this movie came out and tanked and everyone was like, that guy sucks. I was like, fucking finally. Because I'd watch that show, like, whenever I came out two years ago, it was like, there was a big Olympic campaign. I was watching the Olympics.

Oh, right. That's where I was inundated with ads. I was going through some of the slap withdrawal. And I was like, that looks stupid enough. Is that the same guy too? No, it was just, it was NBC. No, it smells like the slap. though. It does. And I was like, you know what?

I could get in. Slapstitch. I was, yeah, I was going through slap withdrawal. I needed some sort of like overwrought nonsense drama to like fill my days. And I watched it and I watched like four episodes like I'm out. This is, even for like a trash watch, this is garbage. And like

I felt like my eyes were on backwards the last like two years. I was like, that show's great. Here's an award. Here's another reward. Here's another reward. The only, the only positive thing to come out of that show existing is that it gave rise to Sterling K. Brown. So then he could be in the people versus O.J. Simpson, go on to, you know, hopefully.

He was an O.J. first. Was that? Yeah, O.J. was first. Was it? Because I was like, oh, cool. It's Sterling K. Right around the same time. Oh, well, then suck it. Never mind. This is us led him to be in the Predator. Yeah, that was probably what God was.

I mean, it just lined his pockets. You know, God bless you, Sterling Kay. And he's kind of the best part of the Predator. He's really good in the Predator, actually. So, Steve, what is this is us about? about just real quick. I don't know what it is really. The first episode's like it's a twist kind of a thing where like it's three disparate characters not unlike this movie where it's a woman struggling with their weight in Los Angeles and a somewhat out of work actor struggling with his career in Los Angeles and then Stirling K. Brown, because I don't know the name of the first two characters. And then Sterling K. Brown and his family living in Philadelphia and he's a lawyer or whatever. And then at the end you find out and also oh and Mandy Moore and Malavent Tamiglio. about to give birth to twins, and then what you find out is they give birth to twins who happen to be the white people in Los Angeles. Oh, Luke and Lane.

But then they also, on that day, Sterlingay-Brown separates them at birth and hides them in Los Angeles. At some point, for some reason, Sterling-K-Brown's parents die, and they feel really bad about that, so they adopt him day of. So now they're triplets.

Okay. And they're raised as triplets, and that's kind of the gag. Steve's missing. two crucial parts. Oh, please. It's been two years. You're, you're, this is us or two. Mandy Moore was supposed to have three kids. That's right. They lose the baby. One of them is still born. Yeah. So to make up for the stillborn baby. So she had three kids. One of them was still born. Like also born. Yes, Eric. No, no. No. Oh my God. You're an idiot. We're going to have to sit down here for a minute. You don't know how language works sometimes. Stop recording. We have to sit. down and help Eric here for a minute. Did you write life itself? I don't know. Not for nothing. Oh, no. Which ones of them is down? You get three. You have three kids. That's a 66% success rate. That's not too bad. That's a good point. That'll get you to, that'll be able

to skip summer school. As long as one crushes, crosses the finish line. Sure. You're doing all right. And the second thing is that he's not out of work. He's in a very popular sitcom. that is essentially Vin Diesel's the pacifier as a show. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, stupid Hollywood in Jibes kind of stuff. Oh, now we're poking fun at ourselves. So that

and you find out later on that Mila Vintamiglia probably doesn't make it and then so on and so forth. And like everything's just so important and sad. It's all sad. Dude. Well, there's a little bit of joy there. Don't worry. Everything has to carry weight. Yes. The public buildup for, like, when the episode was going to air that revealed, like, how he died and whatever.

And all these people, like, psyching themselves up to deal with the trauma of that event was like, like, it felt like people were getting ready to watch man land on the moon. Everybody was acting like this was so fucking important. And I was like, am I crazy? Because this show looks like garbage. And I mean, like, it's, I mean, it's fine if you like. you probably do because everybody likes that show. How does he go? Challenger Explosion? A crock pop

blows up and the fucking house catches on fire or some shit. I think it's like that Homer Simpson episode where he goes to sleep and he's like smoking a big cigar. He's a bunch of pornography. Everybody is stupid but me. I think that's how it goes. That's Ventimiglius' last words. I'm whizzing with the door open

and I love it. Hey Mandy Moore. I have some moon waffles. So we start. with Samuel L. Jackson record scratch. Dude, oh man, just right away. Fuck you, movie. Listen, narration is terrible.

If you're out there writing a screenplay and you got narration in it, get that delete key ready, buddy. Most of the time it's really, really bad. 99% of the time it's terrible. Yes. And he's here and it's like, it's this kind of narration

where he's telling you what the character is doing at the exact second. and it's like he's conscious of what you're watching. Dan Fulgwin wanted to write a really bad literary fiction novel, but instead he turned it into a screenplay. And that's where we are. Is that true?

No, it just feels that way. I've read books exactly like this that are bad. And it's just, it feels like that. It's got that kind of, I don't know, like overwrought kind of nonsense. I hate the whole like everything is connected, all these garbage. Like, they're not. That went out with that film. Babel, by the way, when Babel came out, that was like, all right, and Uriot, you've done this one too many times.

This whole, like, the world is connected universe, horse shit has to be stopped. Is there any good version of that when we were talking? Me and my wife were talking about that last day. It's like, was traffic the best version of that kind of sort of? I love Magnolia. Magnolly, yeah, yeah. I love Boogie Nights. But, you know, that's not what we're talking about.

That's more of a narrative. I mean, that's a story. Boogie Nights doesn't. Like, you mean just by clipped, not like. No, no, no, no. Boogie Nights doesn't have that thing that I'm, I guess I didn't articulate well enough. Yeah, like, disparate characters that seemingly have nothing to do with each other, but then we crash into each other, so to speak. You know what I mean? Okay. Crash highlighted into that, especially poorly.

We're actually related or your, your thing affects my life forever type of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. But then when a butterfly flaps its wings in Malaysia, look out for that fucking tsunami somewhere else. just a fucking fire chaos ball that means nothing that is earth that is life uh so sam jackson is like hey i everybody i'm sam jackson and uh he's like narrating the thing it's about this guy who's and it's like he's a gay guy he's one of those like cool gay guys you know what i mean he like billy on the street cool and i'm like i don't know if billy eichner would like this movie

i don't know if billy no he didn't he's ears are burning right now is that what he actually meant though? Was he referencing that show or just that expression of like a... I took that as like a Johnny on the spot Billy on the street. Why would you just reference the television show? He's gay and he's cool so that's kind of what we're talking about. Billy Ector's gay. Yes. He's kind

of cool. It feels like it's written by like a 65 year old he's like oh yeah he's one of these new homosexuals you know like the one's on television. Or it's written by a fucking film school Flunky who thinks it's the smartest thing of all time because gird your loins for all the tearing Tino's stuff like that's the fish hook like the elderly and the young right it's like the both that's what the stupid ideas are you eventually come back around and you have a young

stupid idea and an old man's head and we'll take it look five minutes on this guy's like oh wait that's not our hero and then we turn over it's Annette Benning is his therapist right I remember to another thing that what made me despise this narration more than anything is how he is talking to the film crew and he's doing like punch in we're gonna punch in on our hero I said punch in motherfucker what are you what are you doing? And when

we find out what Sam Jackson is doing he's just a guy on the street it's not like he's the actual director he looks like he's filming a Capital One commercial This is also a stab the movie fake out anyway so it doesn't even fucking matter you're right this is highlighting the whole

unreliable narrator thing we'll get into later But Benning gets hit by the bus. Yes. It's a beautiful scene of a woman's head bleeding on the street. Oscar, she's crossing the street. Oscar Isaac looks at it as, oh, hey, big fan. She gets hit by a bus.

And Sam Jackson's like, whoa, I'm out of here. Goodbye, everybody. Okay. Cut to Starbucks. Ooh. And he's writing screenplay. It turned out to be a screens play. Right.

That Oscar Isaacs is writing. Do you notice where this Starbucks was located? They're supposedly located. It's across the street from the old UCB theater. Oh, and Chelsea, yeah, that makes sense. Now improv asylum. Keep wasting your money. Is it called Improv Asylum now?

Yeah, it's like a different chain or something. Oh, wait, because they moved to Hell's Kitchen. Yes, the edge of the earth. But, yeah, like, oh, God, just this coffee shop scene sort of, again, sets the tone. Because, like, Oscar Isaac comes in, and he's, like, pontificating about Bob. Dylan in the most clickety-clack screenplay way once again well it's it's this whole movie like with the tarentino stuff and the bob Dylan stuff it's like going to a party and someone the guy you hate the most is wearing the t-shirt that you're wearing at the same time you're like oh i guess i don't

like this band anymore you better throw the shirt the garbage oh whoops sauce is all over it now yeah i threw out my copy of time out of mind like immediately you could just throw out a shirt you don't need to sauce it. Oh, I will sauce that shirt. Because I don't want someone to take it out of the garbage and be like, did you lose this? I'd be like, well, I messed it, you see. I sauced it. I sauceed that shirt. So, yeah, he's like losing his shit in Starbucks. Like, he's clearly drunk. He's taking pills at the counter. He's got a beard, which means he's unhinged. Right. Yeah, he's on hard times. Look at that beard. I've seen a lot of people all over this great city who are deranged. having freakouts that are just

straight up dangerous to themselves or others and they are never this handsome nice try movie nice fucking try his eyes are going the right way the whole time those are nice shoes he's wearing I'm sorry the beard is gorgeous and luscious nice try someone would just hand him money

at this point exactly like oh sir do you need to go somewhere I'll call you an Uber oh no I'm doing a gap ad in five minutes I'm just like trying to get revved up So it gets kicked out of this Starbucks And he has to go to the Shrinks office And then it's like Part of this movie just turns into like

Oscar Isaac's counseling with Annette Benning And she's mentioning Like making mentions of like He was institutionalized And this is like court mandated And he's like talking about how His wife played by Olivia Wild Another talented actor fucking slumming it in this trash hall

I think everybody's good at this movie Honestly I think every actor is doing their absolute best with a really bad screenplay. But she has it the worst though, dude, because she has to give this fucking monologues about the fucking genius of blood on the tracks and then later on about this fucking life itself unreliable narrator shit.

She's the one who has the line. The only reliable narrator is life itself. And I was like, this television is lucky it was so expensive. I'm sorry, the only unreliable narrator is life itself. it's a life itself i just dude my fucking asshole tighten right up closed for business friend i couldn't believe i heard that i was kind of surprised i didn't do a freeze frame there just you'll leave you wild life is not telling a story though right i mean this is not a story it's just a mass of biology yeah exactly it's just a teeming mass of like critters

and just the howls they all make it once all sorts of scientific accidents. Do you know what I mean? You ever see a pizza that, a slice of pizza that's like left in the garbage for months or something? Oh, yeah. There's maggots all over it. That's what life is. The maggots just eating every piece of pizza they can get.

We're all just decaying at different rates. Exactly. That's all it is. So nice try movie. This movie is so like tonally all over the fucking place. And like it drives me crazy because it's also so indecisive. Like those, the scene with Mandy Patinkin and, and, and, the granddaughter like

we're going to hop around. Yeah so but just to try to like connect these people, Mandy Patankan plays Oscar Isaac's father. Right. Yes. And in the current time God, who knows what timelines what in this movie. Which is the timeline where he's helping Claire Danes fight the Taliban.

I think that's just before the film stuff. Yeah. Oh, I see. I think he's I think he's still like in that when they're together. Okay. So Oscar Isaac and Olivia Wilder together. Right. Mandy Patankan looks like himself. Right.

A few years earlier, he's got a black beard like he's a pirate. In a bad, like, Disney ride. And then in the future, when he's just dealing with the granddaughter... He looks like Joseph of Arimathea. Yeah, more like Santa Claus. This white beard all... One in the same. It's disgusting.

You know what? I would love a Mandy Patankan's Santa Claus movie. Every year, some fucking actor should do, like, some crazy Santa Claus movie. but oh wait could it be called oi at santa claus i was more like this cross-cultural santa claus movie be awesome he wears a blue whole thing yeah exactly i can get into that santa claus is jewish cousin i was but he looks like a wise time traveler in this movie yeah he's got like little sunglasses and it's like he's wearing them he's wearing them like a different times yes exactly so i'm like where is that a magical uh telephone booth going to pop down pick them up. I'm sorry, Kevin, your point.

No, he does look like Morpheus's cousin. Morphius's cousin, Orpheus. Adopted cousin, sorry. No, one day, Keanu just is like, Morpheus and it's just, Mandy Patankin, he's like, Morpheus called out sick today. No, what happened is, dude,

the day Orpheus was born, Morpheus's parents were killed somehow, so then Orpheus's parents adopted it. They're technically twins. Neo. there is a Taliban plot against America. You must track Damien Lewis. You must take the form of Claire Daines in the Matrix.

Yeah, Damien Lewis. Isn't it weird? How life is connected? I'm British, but I just talk like Batman. That's my one speed. Yes, that certainly is. What I originally was saying, like, there's all these scenes where, like, there's this line of garbage dialogue.

like, you know, I'm feeling this way about that thing. And the other thing, they're like, but what they really said was like, yeah, that's fine. Oh, yes, all the takebacks. They do it like seven times. And I'm like, that just means you couldn't decide what your movie was going to be. That's all that, Matt. And the worst one is when Mandy Patankan is talking to the granddaughter. And it's like right after his wife has passed away, they had to put the dog down.

Sure. Her parents are both dead. Rough year. Rough year. Oh, oh, and what's their dog? name. Oh, and this, all right, so I'll put a pin in my thing really quickly. This is an example of why it's obnoxious because this movie thinks it's also funny. The dog's name is fuckface. Fuck you, fuck face. How about that? It's just like, he

wrote this movie with an edge lord thesaurus. You know what I mean? Like, fuck face. Get out of here. Um, he, what he does is he, you have this brief moment where he gets, you get a like some fucking grade A, Mandy Potenkin acting. Sure. And he's talking about like, I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to stay live for you, granddaughter, this, that, the other thing, and then it's like, record scratch. Actually, what he said was, what I shouldn't have had that bean for dinner. What I also like about Mandy Batankan, now that we're talking about him, he's got a good

walking glass of whiskey, like, you know, yeah, walking around this house of this glass of whiskey. He'll drink it at some point, but he just walked in. And that's his glass, by the way. No other fingers touched that way. I've never been washed. If you take that away from him, I think he disappears into thin air. So in the therapist's office, it's Annette Benning,

and she's like kind of trying to draw out what the story is. And she keeps kind of asking, like, have you seen your wife? I forget her name at this point. I know it's Olivia Wild. I forget the character's name. It's Will and... Is it Annie? No.

I'll look it up on IMD because there's a lot to keep track of here. But it's like, have you seen Abby? Abby. Have you seen Abby lately? And he's like, no. And then they cut to him seeing her in an arrest. and he's like breaking up he's like oh my god you got to take me back babe we kind of we're kind of like doing this weird defending your life nonsense where like she's going with him to watch

the thing and we're commenting on like dude that's pretty good writing i know isn't it it's like just make them ghosts if you're doing this because what's awful about that is like she is looking around the set and acknowledging things and it's like it's like the quote reality of it is supposed to be oscar is is just talking to her. And it'd be one thing if that was the first one. If the first flashback, there or two there looking at it, and then you explain it, that's like the ninth flashback in is them looking at.

I'm like, what, so now they, what, what? It's either always happening or it's not happening. I agree with you. It just drives you fucking nuts. Looked like they were filming that at the, the west side artichoke chain. Anybody noticed that? I've never been there. Oh, me neither.

It's great. It's 18th Street or? The one way over by like Chelsea Market. Yes, I've been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just looked like that's where we're filming. But this is where this location, I got the first of several hardy guffaws.

Because you have this scene. He's like crying in this restaurant, making a scene like, please come back to me, my wife, please come back to me. And we continue with this counseling for a little bit. We go back to that scene and that Benning is like pressuring him more. Like, Will, when was the last time you saw your wife? What was the last time you saw your wife?

Blah, blah, blah, blah. we cut back to that restaurant it's so poorly fucking framed because this dude just like whatever we're just slapping meat in front of a camera it's like Oscar Isaac is sitting in the background good meat all I gotta say delicious meat and then there's just like

a body out of focus obstructing the other side of the table so bad yeah and then like that person moves and the chair is empty wait what flashback again no it wasn't a net bending in front of the bus it was Olivia Wilde dead getting hit by a bus while pregnant sick dude totally sick mind fucking blown but dude when they cut to that empty chair I just burst out laughing there's so many

fucking people standing in the street just standing in the street well let's say why are you standing in the street let's get there where we get there but he's also we also have to talk about their college days oh right has to talk about their salad days well we also get we get the origin of fuck face yes please begins at this party all right fuckface You have to take this little flower at the bottom. It's a little yorky. He has to go grab a little flower at the bottom of him out and climb to the top.

And he does it with no problem. Be aware of your surroundings, bat dog. That would be great. But no, they're at a party. Fuck face. Take care of your limbs. Your asshole will take care of itself. Stop licking.

What I'm saying is stop licking your ass. Fuck face. Lick your chest. Your asshole and legs will help themselves. Well, fuck face. Apple's shirt is fall far from the tree. Why do we fall, Master Fuckface? So we can get down and roll over again.

Fuckface, eat the pill without the peanut butter. Eat it. Eat it! Fuckface, like Constantinople or Rome, Petco will fall. You've only delayed their time, fuckface. Anyway, they're at a party and they're dressed, Oscar Isaac's dressed as John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and she's dressed as Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

And I don't even know why there's like a plush dog and they're like, we're gonna name it, fuckface. So she's talking about like there. Well, so we have to reverse this a little bit because he gets into fucking creeptacular mode right before this. They're at a party at this like same frat house or whatever. And she's like, when are you going to ask me out, Will?

And he gives this long weirdo thing about like, when I ask you out, it has to be perfect because we're going to be spending the rest of our lives together and my fucking, my fucking weird knife hands are going to be all over the place. Could you stop jerking off, please? No, it's just as weird. It's going to be the most important thing I ever say in my life

and I'm not going to leave you ever. And you're like, whoa, this dude, I'm getting the fucking chills. Yeah, I'd be like, yo, dude, we're in college and I look like you've Olivia Wilde, so goodbye. Yeah, exactly. That guy's, and like later, she kind of keeps mentioning like, dude, you're really smothering. Like, your love is a weird thing, my friend. Because he knows, even though it's Oscar, Isaac, and he's handsome as hell.

Oh, sure. In this movie, he's, like, not supposed to be that. And he knows, like, oh, man, I fucking bagged Olivia Wilde. I have to, like, he's, like, over-comensating to make sure she sticks around kind of a thing. We should also say that this movie's being narrated by an unnamed younger woman that you don't know who it is until the end. Oh, right, after Sam Jackson walks off set. Yes. He quit.

I kind of imagine that that was... I think you read the rest of the scripts like, yeah, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, I kind of imagine that they had, like, a line of celebrities in this movie, and they all walked off set. In a similar way to Samuel Jackson, and that was the only one that they actually called on film. He was just like, get the fuck out of my face, Fogelman. Willow DeFoe was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, no.

I'm definitely doing Foxlux now. This is garbage. What is this? What is to give me that garbage? I'm not guilty. Morgan Freeman didn't even pick up the fucking phone. Well, no. That's more like it, Mr. Fuckface.

I've got to do a movie where my dick falls asleep for an hour. Mr. Fuckface, when I leave, you should delete this. Oh, I'll be on television, sir, but I'll be on my own show. Thank you very much. But so, yeah, so like, when I ask you. Sorry. That's his speech, the when I ask you speech. Oh, yeah, he's asking her out, whatever. We do cut to Pulp Fiction and we're just doing a little. This is like, oh, oh, oh, oh, with the Pulp Fiction. Dude, here's the thing. I love Pulp Fiction. I don't like when others tell me they also love Pulp Fiction. You know what I mean? It's one of those things where it's like, we all know. We all get it. I'm that way with the Big Lebowski, man. Honestly, like, get me in my house. I don't want to hear anybody else talk about it. I'm going to watch that movie once every four years. Enjoy it and stop watching. Oh, I watch it like twice a year. It's one of my favorite movies of all the time. But it was the thing. One, I played that movie. I didn't go to the screening because I knew that would happen. I saw a thing. A theater was doing like a quote along. Absolutely not. I will watch that movie

only with a maximum of maybe like three other people in the room. Sure. Fans ruin a lot of shit, fans ruin a lot of shit. But there's a weird, because we keep just flip-flopping between like this Halloween party

and Oscar Isaac talking with Annette Benning, who I should mention another person wasting their time in this movie. Yeah, she's almost gone. Like she's literally nothing to do here. But he says like, because she asks him something like, oh, Will, did you do your writing assignment?

And he's like, yeah, but it was just a bad screenplay me and Abby were going to write a screenplay one time we considered ourselves a husband and wife Tarantino oh god here come the goose pimples again wouldn't you be like a husband and wife Cohen brothers that would make a little more sense

at least making a thing with two people exactly yeah like or a husband and wife I'm trying to think is there even a husband and wife writing team I think Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falco have write things together or maybe a more personal reference that isn't the most obvious fucking one of the time. No, because their favorite...

Their favorite movies, Pulp Fiction. Which one is the foot fetishist? Clearly, Oscar Iskhaeg is the fetishist. And Umma Thurman's the racist. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, umma Thurman just says the N word a lot and uses it, makes everybody uncomfortable. And it's like, yeah, I know kind of what you think you're doing,

but you should really stop doing it. For this analogy, don't you mean Olivia Wild? Yeah, who did I say? Umathir. Oh, yeah. Apologies. It would be awesome if she was in this movie, though. Art is meant to be provocative.

And that's why I'm just going to say slurs. It's art. It's all right. So another, yeah, so like there's a lot of like kind of, so at the Halloween party, he does ask her to marry him. And this is where she's like, look, your love is just really creepy and weird. What I was going to say was the younger woman who's narrating the movie says that he loved her with a stalker's obsession. Yeah.

Not cute. not cute not cute really really gross but that's again why this movie sucks because it's supposed to be yeah that is it's supposed to be that oh he like almost stocks you're like oh my god well he he just loves her so much he'd kill her well yeah we just got listen we my wife and I finished watching dirty John sure uh which totally fun a creeptastic Eric Banna I would recommend it and then I went to watching this and I was like well I'm getting the same douche chills

watching this movie as I was watching eight episodes of Dirty John and it never like it never matters it never like kind of comes to bear I mean it lets you know he's a little mentally unstable which kind of leads to where he's going but like not really because they use that as a carrot

to dangle in front of you thinking that she divorce leaves him like all this like smothering her and you know moving too fast and whatever else is all like to it's a red herring for like oh well they must have gotten divorced that's what real love is obsessing about the person until you can't think of anything else and will happily

take off their head and live with it for several years uh and not report the crime till you're fucking that head like high tension indeed indeed you would just like a red herring like a herring it stinks smells like it's like a rotten fish yes this movie is like a bucket of rotten fish heads left out the highest sun there's uh at at the moment where they're kind of like she kind of goes yeah okay i'll marry you she goes i just want you to know you know like my parents dead the line that makes me i can't it's a line i can't even say she you know my parents died when i was really young and it makes me sad sometimes oh does it's like i know baby i know and then we kind of get into this thing where it's like

let's talk about abby for a little while right this is so we're going to get like and dude just like one-way ticket on the exposition train jesus christ And all of this honestly does not matter. It doesn't matter in all. I mean, like, when the second half the movie happens, I'm like, what is he, what did any of that matter? And I think what this is, is like, you had an idea for what would have been like,

maybe a slaps length miniseries of television. And we are just playing the padding game to make this somehow a two-hour motion picture. Thank God it's only two, though. honestly. That's true. You're very right. Didn't they say it was longer? Was it longer at Toronto? I think that might have been a thing. No. Is that what was that rash of suicide?

Oh, no. That was just, that was the conversion to Canadian minutes. Oh, I see. That's true. No, but I think you're thinking of the Chris Pine movie was longer at Toronto. Oh, outlocking. Yeah, and they cut that severely. This was just mocked at Toronto. This could have used some knives and horses falling into ditches. sword fights. Do we have real life horses

fallen in ditches? They look pretty convincing. There's a lot of fun horse stuff in that movie. There's a great horse plight. Am I the only one who hasn't seen that? I mean, it's not a great movie, honestly. Is it like a fun movie?

It's a Sunday night while you're cooking. Put that on. You know what it is? It's also a hangover movie, I would say. Oh, yeah. Or a dad afternoon. It is. Oh, yeah.

A dad's out there. A dad to-noon. Dad afternoon and hangover movies. It's got a lot of crossover there. Exactly. That depends on the dad, I guess. But so we get into her now And we find out her parents were teachers

And they're really cute There's all this stuff about all these Her little fascinations she had as a kid As a very little kid until Bum bum bum Tragedy strikes And oh my God Grief porn

I get so hard When people are fucking sad Well this guy I mean he kills Milo Ventimegli He kills no less than fucking four parents in this movie. He's like the fucking parent Terminator.

Sir, Connor. You will have a baby one day therefore I must kill you. Milo Ventimilia. Yes. Here's a crock pot. Plug it in. Good cooking.

Are you a member of the PTA? But this is also this is some fucking grade A first year film school. I'm trying to be edgy, horse shit. Garbage.

There's a car accident you see it only from the little girl's perspective or you zoom in on the little girl's space. A guy in a Santa's outfit kills her parents and then she has to be Santa at the mall in a few years and it triggers this reaction. Just make the bills just to

get, you know, set to keep up. Let me ask you this. And then she goes on a killing spree as Santa Claus and that's the movie. Now Steve, this tragedy was it one of those things where you know, it was a bad car accident and you know the paramedics did all they could but sadly that father succumbed to his injuries oh no no no dude oh what was it then he got fucking decapitated dude come on dude

oscar is just like so can you imagine an eight-year-old girl sitting for four hours in a car next to her decapitated father's fucking head shut up just shut up let the bodies hit the No, let the bodies hit the fuck. And not only that, then her uncle picks her up and he molestered her. Oh, my God, dude. Like, God damn it. Decapitated father, molester uncle. Shut up.

Between that, sandwich between that is bought her a dog and then stomped it to death. Oh, right. Right. Oh, right. Oh, right. This lady should have grown up to be Roershack. Exactly. At very least, she should be the leader.

something like I this is the fucking crazy life so then one day Abby took a gun and waited for uncle Joe to come home and when he did he pointed it at his head and said if you touch me again I'm gonna fucking kill you and then shot him in the knee to make him know that she was serious because you're locked up here with me well that's what's so fucked up about Dan fulkeman is that you're right at me alone that whole story would have been a good movie if you had a good tone or something. Yes, it's called Theodora Bundy. As it is, left in this movie,

it might as well have been soundtracked to like 20, 20, 24 hours ago, I want to be sedated. It's like the Gwyneth Paltrow montage, Judy is a punk from Royal Tenem bombs, but instead of like her hooking up with all these dudes, it's all this tragedy befalling her.

That's the tone. Jackie is a punk, Judy is a rut, and your dad got decapitated in a car accident. I would love to see what Wes Anderson could make a decapitated head look like. Oh, that would be adorable. It would probably be claymation. Spurton clay blood. I love it.

Like the cat in Grand Budapest. But so that's kind of her backstory. And like, this is the best. This is, uh, so you know, Oscar Isaac is telling this whole thing. And like, he's like, yeah. Oh, yeah. She blew his knee off. I always kind of imagine like a young Natalie Portman playing her at that point.

And then like, Annette Benning is like, I don't know who Natalie Portman is. They go on this thing, and he's like, you should watch, like, young, like, you should watch, like, old, or early Natalie Portman stuff, man, like, you know, beautiful girls, the professional. If I was a therapist and somebody told me that, I'd just write in my notes, pedophile question, word. Oh, you have to watch the professional. She's so beautiful and talented. Watching the professional and then beautiful girls back to back, yikes. What is beautiful girls? That's that movie where, like, Michael Rappaport.

Michael Rappaport and Timothy, what's his face? Timothy Hutton wants to like have sex with her and it's not that it's supposed to be not that weird Uma Thurman I think is also Yes It's a comedy

And this is like Around the professional time Yeah it's like she's probably 90 a year after two years 95 96 Yeah So anyone who wants to watch Both those movies

I was gonna say Scratch out pedophiles Right Pedophile Also I don't Well you can't have them say Star Wars, by the way. You can't say Star Wars. I briefly looked at the IMDB

trivia before I like closed the browser through the computer against the wall. It was like oh, um, they were both in Star Wars. Bleep blue. A little trivia. Well, they're also in both an annihilation from this year which is a much better movie. Oh my God,

by fucking 10,000 football fields. I want that bear, that fucking naked, weird skeletal bear. Yep. To just fucking eat the world. No, I want to see it in various timeline. Show me that bear when it was a bear. It was a baby bear. You know, like what happened there? And then what's going

on with that baby bear's grandfather? Exactly. Does he have a whiskey glass? Well, no, it's the bear and then the woman that gets merged with him and you've these two stories. Well, yeah. And then the event happens, he go in the shimmer and whoops, now they're the same creature. Because eventually it's going to start talking like

Annette Benning screaming and then it's going to start sounding Oscar Isaac screaming. I mean, it gets hit by a bus. The screech of a bus. So the next movement here is we go to my parent, to Oscar Isaac's parents' place. Little Rich boy over here, by the way. Oh, my God, look at this fucking house. I don't even know.

The Ghostbusters' house. It's like an old firehouse. I think they're living, they're living in like... You pretend can go out of a firefall. Oh, my God. Yes. Hey, does this pole still work? Yes, it does.

That da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Since they announced that old Ghostbuster movie, old Ghostbusters or whatever? Old Busters. Put Mandy Patankan in there. Yes. Dude. Oh, wait. Dude, old Ghostbusters call it Us Busters. Yeah. Oh, wait. Old Gus Busters. Is that the one with like all the inbred slimer children? Oh, yeah. Here's what you do. You get Bill Murray in that new Ghostbusters movie and he's setting up his suicide because obviously. Sure. That's just the end conclusion of his answer. Obviously. Absolutely. And he's setting up not only the traps to hang himself, but also the traps to trap his ghost because he knows.

Yeah, exactly. And he doesn't want his good friend Ray Stance to have to do it. Right, exactly. Or Winston Zedemore. So he's like, listen, I'm going to kick the chair. And the method is all set up. I'm going to drop the chair where fall backwards. It'll hit the trap button.

I will collect myself. You guys don't have to worry about it. Terry walks up the stairs. Terry is Mandy Betankan, who's the silent partner at Ray's occult's books. Oh, perfect. There it is. And then he writes a book about that, seeing that, weird shit. Oh. It's all fragmented. By the way. And then he joins the CIA and he starts training

out of there. He wants to kick, Venkman wants to kick that chair by the way because as it turns out, Dana Barrett got hit by a bus. Oh my God. And it turned out it happened while baby Oscar was still inside. Oh, no. It's just Ghostbusters 2 was in our mind. Oh, yeah. It makes sense. So we're at Mandy Patankan's house, his wife is played by Jean, by the way. Also on this dirty John, by the way. We love to just pretend Oscar Isaac can there be anything. Like, Mandy Batankan as his dad

sure, maybe. But, like, his mom has to be Hispanic in one way or another. You can't just have Gene Smart, the whitest lady you know. As Oscar Isaac's biological mother, all right. She's really good in Legion, too. She's great in Legion. And she's great in

that season of Fargo. Oh, yeah. Also very good. Oh, fuck. She's the The boss, the boss mother. Oh, I totally forgot. This cast is fantastic. She is great in that dirty John. The three of you are looking at me like I'm fucking crazy. But that show, I just haven't gotten to it.

I know. What is that on? Crackle? It's on Bravo. And I was legitimately surprised to be watching Bravo original programming. I thought it was a streamer. No, it's on Bravo. I thought of streaming.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's on Bravo. Connie Britton. Was it a mini series or a thing? It's eight episodes. Eight episodes. Okay. Based off of apparently a podcast.

Wow. Which I didn't know. Hey, Bravo. We're available. Oh, man, we hate movies the movie. That'll be something. Dirty movies. It's just Mandy Batigin playing all four of us. So they go to this dinner.

They go to this dinner and like, Gene Smart, I don't know, it's wasted or something. Holy fuck. I'm so glad your parents are dead. Oh, man. It's so great that they're dead and I don't have to share my grandchild. She knows what I mean. Dude, whenever you have to like qualify horrible shit you're saying with, but he or she knows.

what I mean. They don't know. Or they do know and fuck you. I'm just at home fucking giving applause to Gene Smart. That's right. You tell her. And like it's that. By the way,

fuck these people. It's one of two because this movie was put out by Amazon Studios. Amanda Batankan has to stop. They're eating dinner and he's looking at the, they're talking about like baby toys. Like, yeah, it took me all night to tear down those Amazon boxes. I couldn't even believe it. It was very easy to buy all these baby toys on Amazon.

wow jean spot i'm so glad we signed up for prime the shit i mean you know it took me all night to break down the boxes but all the money i saved on shipping i mean did you guys see it the little the swoop up in the corner just watermark just like just when that happened just a little swoop it's coming later just to let you know mandi patakins saying fucking all over this movie like every other word because they're supposed to be one of the it's an obnoxious like translation of like a like liberal household or like we're just we're just tossing

profanity like that I still get guff for using profanity in the house around my folks I mean they deal with it but you know that we're talking about I'm like realizing I think my folks are more profane than I is that right? Yeah I'm like I got a couple of dirty Johns over there

I don't know what that means but I'll agree I'm about on par with my mother really is the cursing I'm like the conservative reaction to what my family was. It's like that Michael J. Fox character. Oh, you're the Alex Peeke. So in the bird cage, you're Gene Hackman.

Exactly. Yes, I'm Gene Hackman. No, but it's, I've been like living the double standard forever because like my mother will swear like a sailor and then I'll do it. It's like, watch it. Where do you think I figured it out from? But they are just, they're flip

fucking all through this fucking dinner scene. We're fuck, fuck, fuck. We leave. And then this is what we're walking back. And because she wants to walk off, she had a big dinner. And she's like, meatloaf. We had meatloaf. By the way, we're going to have a little girl. And he's like, what?

Are you kidding me? And you know what? Like, this is why you don't just walk and talk in New York City. Okay? You got to keep your eyes on the fucking prize. You do not walk and talk. You're getting to A to B right now. And you need to fucking focus.

Everybody shut the fuck up and we will talk when we get to the restaurant. I don't want to deal with the dilly dally. World is not your fucking playground, okay? Exactly. There's a stop sign there. And if you were to fucking move slow, move to the right. Leave a passing lane. Leave a passing lane.

Also, if you're giving life-changing news, be like, can we stop here for a second? And then, yeah, exactly. Let's do one of those things. I'm going to tell you this in the middle of 6th Avenue. So give me a minute to get to the middle of this intersection. Have the grace enough to go to a bodegas awning. She's talking in the middle of the street,

and she's surprised when a bus hits it. Because she's walking and he's like, wow, hey, I'm your biggest fan. I guess to like say something cute. And she turns out and goes, oh, and gets hit by a bus like fucking meet Joe Black, delicious. Shush, boy. He also says that like, oh, I know what you're going to name her. Oh, right. Oh, right.

There ends up being. That's because that's what it goes with the naming thing because he's like, Dylan is what they're going to call it. You son of a bitch. and she's like Oscar Isaac She's like, I know you don't like him And he's like, no, I'm his biggest fan Oh, God, I've got it, got it. Dude, Oscar Isaac earlier in this film

Tells Olivia Wilde that Bob Dylan sings like he's got a bag of dicks in his mouth or something. Edge Lord horseshit. Yeah, I don't know. I just, in my notes, I've eat a dick quoted by Bob Dylan and I have no idea how it got there. So I'm guessing it's from the same senior mention. Yeah, because,

She's trying to explain why blood on the tracks she feels is the best Bob Dylan album. It's not Blood on the Tracks. It's time out of mind. Oh, pardon me. Pardon me. It's the comeback album. Oh, right. It's like a fucking QSack monologue.

Yes. You know, out of what was that Stephen Fries movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask something? Also a book. It was. Also a book. I have a question.

I feel like it's way too late in the game for me to be asking this. and I feel like I know what it is. Is this a poem? No, but I am always asking that about everything. Can you guys like just, what is the actual definition of edge lord? What does that mean? A dude that's like trying to be edgy.

Oh, oh, okay. Oh, that's what I figured. I didn't know if like also edging was involved. No, I mean, that's why I would kind of confused. You could be an edging edge lord. The Venn diagram of people into, like, insane pornography and being on the edge. That's a purple circle you got going right there. I like the idea of going to porn hub, but there's all these tabs of a girl, girl, girl, guy, guy.

Insane. Oh, you want insane pornography. I guess I meant like in volume-wise. There's that tab we'll call the cops. We dare you to click this? I don't have a question, but I got a statement. Oh, please. Yes.

Stop naming your kids Dylan. Yeah, that's over with. Start naming them Siska or Shishka, however you want to pronounce it. Sure. Or name of we hate movies. Him or her. We hate movies. That's the first name.

Ruin a life. We've already had one person with impeccable taste. Sure. Dick Hot Dog, the child. No, but someone got a we hate movies test. They've got to figure it out tattoo. I want to see more we hate movies tattoos. I want to see more we hate movies babies.

I want to start hearing stories about we conceive this child during we hate movies. How could you get hard to this? Wait, are you not? Let me check. Steve, this is episode 401 and this is my 400 in first direction. Andrew, edit it in a boner clang. Just take it from love guru. It's just me hitting a pot with a wind's food.

All the folie artistry. So, yeah, no, as, but yeah, as she turns around, she gets hit by this bus, we do see this kid in the, in the front of the bus. Right. He's like, hey, what's up? Yeah. And I was like so sure, like, is that a ghost? That's what I. I thought it was totally a ghost too. I didn't notice the kid at all until later when we get the, we get the kid's story.

So then, yeah. And then we cut back to Oscar Isaac. And he's like, yeah, man, it's so sad. Blah, blah, blush. Why don't you, look, your daughter lived, Abby, Abby, Doug. You have to go to your parents' house To meet your daughter Oscar Isaac, go meet your daughter

And he's like, you know what man He's drunk and drinking this entire therapy session I don't know a therapist worth their salt That wouldn't kick this guy out How the fuck? Look, dude, you're disrespecting this session right now You gotta get sober somewhere He puts like two full Jack Daniels airplane

bottles in that coffee that he got Back when he was making the scene You can totally smell that you're sitting like three feet away from him Tell me if you're a therapist I don't think anyone treats anyone that's actively drunk. I'm a therapist. You are not. You said, tell me, you're...

He was speaking to the audience. I was just doing what he said to do. Tweet at me if you would treat somebody who was actively drinking in a session or drunk. Booze chased with about six oxycontin or God knows what... No, he brags mostly Xanax. He brags to that barista that at Zanix. And then he blows his brains out. And they get Andrew Jupin-Hawdy-left the second, dude.

oh my lord i'm laughing at this movie and it's like and like you know why do that to a net banning the whole time is like you're very nice you're a very good person blah blah blah then yeah just take that down take that in the street you know take that on the a train if you want to oh that's my train no no it's where it's better to do it in your therapist's office than it is to do it in a public transit because people got places to go that's true oh man that's true then you'd hear the fucking after an earlier incident there's a delay and all sorts of people are blowing their You know, at the very least, be like, oh, can I use your bathroom really quickly?

Like, there's tile in there, the brain that can get... Yeah, that carpet is destroyed. Listen, just get naked, get into the bathtub. Don't slit your wrist, just shoot yourself in the bathtub. That way, no clothes are ruined. Everything can be washed away, probably except for the brain matter. Yes. If you're going to do it in like a public display like this, do it,

do it, go full hog, do the bud Dwyer. You can find more good, good, good stories like this. and Eric's upcoming if I did it. Yes. It's a 10-piece series blog where I theorize about how I would do crime.

So he's dead. So he's dead. We cut to, and this young girl is still narrating. We don't know who this young girl is. We start learning about Dylan and how sad her life is. Chapter 2.

Dylan Dempsey. Fuck you. And like... I met five other kids named Dylan. are we starting the movie now can i tell you this was the creepiest part of the movie right here though what's that because it's like well we have this whole thing we briefly discussed it already where the narrator is like so yep Dylan Dempsey uh had kind of a rough life went to live

with her grandparents uh when she was like six her grandmother died when she was seven they had to put fuck face down this is where mandy bettenkin there's that the joke like gotcha dialogue and then he just... Sorry, cut to fuckface in Italy with Anne Hathaway at a fucking restaurant. Is that fuckface over there? Listen, fuckface. One day I'm going to go to a restaurant

and I'm going to see you and you're going to see me but we're not going to say anything, right? It's going to be really cool. This fucking dog just looks up from ordering Prosecco and just like tips his hat to Michael Cade. I can't bury another fuckface. I've failed to. you, Mr. Fuckface, I failed you.

That's right. Fuckface's grandparents used to do the underground railroad right through this bad game. You know what? That was one detail, too many, Chris Nolan. Yes, I agree there. I agree. Oh, yes, it was. But I'm sorry what you were saying?

Oh, no. So they had that exchange and, you know, Mandy Betankan. Because the little girl's like, are you going to die, grandpa? He's like, nope. Yeah. So then they do a thing where it's, you know, It's like, and then magically Dylan Dempsey became 21 years old. And they start with this little seven-year-old actress.

And they do a fucking slow-motion facial morph into Olivia Cook. Oh my God, it was disgusting. You got that Bezos money, man. It's like, this is what this suspect would look like at this age right now. And I mean, like, Olivia Cook, buy a movie. She's out of this movie in 20 minutes. Like 15 minutes tops. And she's awesome.

For more Olivia Cook, see the totally awesome movie Thoroughbreds, by the way. Oh, it fucking rocks, dude. And she's awesome in it. She's totally flushed down the toilet in this movie. Because the character, which the movie should be about. If that's the prolog, that's what I thought it was going to be. The rest of the movie is her story and about her dealing with this shit. So she is a band.

Yeah, it's a 21st birthday. she's shitty to Mandy Patankan. And again, I was like, more Mandy Patankan, please, absolutely. Yeah, so she goes to play this gig. Holy fuck. With this band that she has, she's like the... P.B and J, by the way. This might as well be called the fucking Zach Attack.

What a ridiculous name for a fucking band. Especially, by the way, they're like new metal, right? They're like new, new metal. Because now this is now taking place to contextualize this for the audience. We have to stop right here because we need to talk about this. because I'm totally confused. All right, so we've got to do the math. Bus hit was like 2015 or something?

It's got to be because they were in college. So at that Halloween party, they're playing that justice song. Yes. The A-N-T-A-E-E-E. They're not in college at that point. That's them out of college. Really?

No, that was a Halloween. It would have to be because they'd get married at the Halloween. They'd engage at the Halloween party. But this is the big one. College sweethearts. This dates everything. They mention Hubba stank. No, when she's

Dude, I missed a fucking H-stank, ref? They're just talking the stank and Jen doll. No, no, no, no. But that comes up all the time. What are you talking about? It's coming up right now. No, no, he's making it clear that that would be like the modern music because as compared to Bob Dylan, he's like,

Hubestank is now. So that means that at most, total tops, 2004, she's dead. She's dead. Wait, you're serious right now. So when are they supposed to be in? college. That justice song is at the Halloween part. She's born in 1985.

Yes. So, Abby, Abby is born in 1980. Do we know that? I know that for sure. How do we know that? They do say that. He says that. In the narrative.

Justice song is like 2006, like late 2006. Is it? I'll double check, but I'm pretty sure. I remember being an adult with a brain walking around here that song. I remember liking that song. But the other thing, too, is when they're sitting in the bed, like it's before they go to the parents dinner, which is her last day of life. There is a chunky

iPod in an I home is how they're listening to it. Like a chunkier looking eye. And that would be a 2003 D-A-N-C-2007. 2000-7. It makes no sense. No, it doesn't make no sense. So unless it's a continuity error, I mean, so I don't know.

I saw somebody the other day say that they listened to their show on a fucking I, our show on an iPod classic. Okay. So they're still around. They might be like audio files that think it sounds better or something. Like maybe that's how you listen to it. You just don't have a smartphone maybe, you know?

No, but I'm just saying. So it's 85. So let's say then you're graduating college in like 2006, 2006, 2007. Does they say she died when she was 35 years old? Did I make that up? Oh, no, Oscar Isaac is 35 when he dies. He's 35.

This movie. Marty! This movie wants to make you blow your brains out. Can the Grim Reaper show up and walk us through this? But in any event. So, okay. She would be 30 in 2015.

Okay, so then 20 years later, 21 years later, we're talking 2036. This is, this is a 21st birthday, yeah. Yeah, so it's 2036. We're talking about the year 2030. Wait, when is Olivia Wilde supposed to have died? We don't know, but assuming if she's 30, if Oscar Isaac is 35, we just kind of assume they're the same age. Uh-huh. 35.

Right. All right. So, yeah, so 20, let's call it 20. 2036 is when Olivia Cook is going to play this concert. Yes, right? Yeah. And it's like shitty. I wouldn't qualify it as new metal.

It's like a bad hardcore band kind of. Right. And she is singing this Bob Dylan song. And the replicant Ryan Gosling is in the audience. Because of 2037. What the fuck? Oh, man. Yeah.

And she's like, it's this weird. She gets in front of this keyboard. And what's the tune that she's singing here? Isn't it the, uh, the one that bring you my love and she starts doing like a piano version of it and like some dudes like

show me your tits and like she throws a beer bottle at him but so you're like okay that's what this character is I can't wait to get to know this character more then it turns into like she does like a few little lines on the keyboard and then it turns into this like

hardcore version of this song yeah wake me up wake me up inside Yeah, it's very eminessence Yeah, that's what I was feeling Yeah, it's so bad She like beats the shit out of some woman in the green room This is great

She's shoving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich In her face stomping on her phone It's great By the way, we don't even know what that phone would look like In 2037 Yeah, it looks like a razor Did it look like a razor? So we went back

No, dude, the razor's flipping, dude I think this was a flat It was a flat guy Maybe that's a thing They're just telling us, like, time is fluid. Oh, I... Everything that's happened has already happened. Time's a flat circle.

What is happening now is happening now. Right. So, uh, she gets really upset. Like, yeah, she's making out with her boyfriend. This woman is filming it. They could do a fight. She pushes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into her face. I got somebody somewhere, I'm sure.

Oh, my God. My PB&J fetish. And now they're making fun of me on the show. Didn't she stomb something with her foot, too? Oh, my God. That was all. Stopping phones and smush and sammy's. Someone's spending some time under the insane tab on Port-up.

It's insane because, like, how are you even into this? So in whatever sense. So she, like, leaves. She's very upset. And she goes to a park bench in the West Village. Falls asleep. Bad idea, first of all. For anybody.

Right there on 6th Avenue, right in front of that fucking Rite-Aid that's right there. Don't wake up, by the way. You fall asleep on a park bench, you don't wake up. 2036, that's like what? That's 17 years from that? Yeah. So that, by then, it's only the rich. Yeah, it's a playground for...

By then, it's only the rich. You're totally right. Everybody else has been fucking kicked out or fucking killed. Yeah, dude, we all got fucking deported to the boroughs. She only could be bothered by the hollow homeless, which is the holograms of homeless people that they have now, which they do to just sort of give this. city some culture that once after like after a couple years without the homeless everyone kind of

missed them but they didn't want actual people so right holograms and it's way fun to throw cans at the hollow homeless make you feel my love is make you she falls asleep and that's I was thinking with the PJ Harvey song sorry and then we cut to well wait holzala's fan oh I'm sorry hold the phone because there's a thing that shock of all shocks makes no sense when she passes out on that fucking bench, she sees her mother get hit by the bus. Yes. And she knows what went down. And she

sees the little boy. She was there. Nope. She was inside the belly. Well, you're right. There's a belly button. Psychic trauma can do that. Yeah. Oh, like passing on memories and shit. Possibly. Well, like if Olivia Wadden... Who knows how babies work? Well, if you get hit by the bus

so friggin hard, it pushes your mind into the child. So then she took in the memory of the 75-year-old retiree who was watching this all go down from the bench? Yeah. Good point. No. No, it's like this. I had to point it out because

turns out Chris Cabin. It's fucking stupid. Drives me nuts. Why not just make, have a thought. Just fucking imagine something else. Life itself. So we cut to a new title card. Chapter 3, the

Gonzalez family. Right. And we're in Spain now. And Antonio Benderas owns an olive vineyard and you might be at home like, wait, what does this have to do with anything that I just heard for the last hour? This is not a bit. This is not a bit.

I swear to God. Who's the other actor? He's really good. Oh, the dude playing Javier. Yeah. Sergio Perry Mancetta. You know who he is, Eric. Oh, wait, what?

He's the villain in the new Rambo. Yep, that's right. In the new Rambo? Yep. He's playing Hugo Martinez. as Rambo 5 colon last blood. He's the head of the cartel. Why is this supposed to excite me?

Because you're the Stallone head. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Too late. Already labeled. Already happened. Oh, God. They shouldn't be doing that movie.

By the way, the movie begins with him as a cowboy. What, Rambo? Yeah. Listen, if he's on a ranch, there's a picture of him in a cowboy hat and fucking chaps. At least it's true to how the last movie ended. Remember, he goes home? That's true.

Listen, they need to bring Frank Stallone into the franchise. Yes, I agree. Because, like, that guy's insane. Yeah, and, like, who else are you going to get to say racist, crazy shit? I know. It, like, it was... Stallone won't say it in public. By the way, he used to follow me on Twitter.

We used to go back and forth all the time, me and Frank. Dude, it was kind of like... You're Frank Frank. Eric would catfish Frank Stallone. Insofar as he would say shit making think that Frank Stallone... Making Frank Stallone... Making Frank Stallone think that Eric was a... agreeing with what Frank Stallone was saying

and Franksill would go along with it like yeah it's right brother yeah you know what I'm talking about Muslims and then when he made fun of those Parkland kids yep and he like did this apology which was clearly not written by him and I quote

it and said when your older brother makes you apologize for something and he blocked me yeah that'll do it but but his politics is is obviously grotesque yes so and it sounds like this new movies in line with those politics. So Frank Stallone should be in the movie.

Maybe he's doing a ghost right on the script. I would you say, man. I mean, I had to stay in Vietnam when we got the border. I mean, he's saying, it's a crisis at the border, man. Rambo's going to please stop to that crisis. You can put it stop to it. Oh, dude, a human wall, just big Rambo chest. Stretch it thousands of miles.

You need steel when you got a fucking Rambo, man. That might actually be in that movie, man. I bet. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. Cake wall, I bet you it's going to happen.

He gets Rick Moranis' serum, the one that he reverses it, and he's big like the baby this time. Oh, gotcha. It took me a second to realize where, okay, what the fuck are you talking about, Kevin? Okay, Rick Moranis' serum. I didn't think I'd hear that today. Rick Moranis' dangerous porno. You meant to be. It was a laser, I'm sorry.

From the honey eye franchise. Yeah, I was going to say, there's no fucking serum. It was a huge laser. I'm sorry. It was the biggest laser you've ever seen. So Antonio Bendez. Oh, right, olive oil, the motion picture. Which is the best part of this movie.

Like, he gets, like, he gets talking about, like, how his Italian father, like, took his mother from this area and how that dude who was a shit lord. And he's just talking about, like, 20 minutes about his family lineage. And it's the best part of the film. He gives this monologue. It's so awesome. I didn't know where was going to go. I was like, it doesn't go anywhere. No, I know.

Yes, you're correct. But at the time the monologue was happening. Sure. I was like, is he going to cut this guy's throat? Because I didn't know like what kind of guy he was. Or is he kind of like hit on him or something. Who knows? But also it just made me, I'm sitting there like, oh man.

Yeah, you know, Antonio Banderas, I think, is a good actor. He's in that new Almodovar movie. When's that coming out? Dude, I'm looking at release dates during the chapter of this movie. Because, I mean, like, with a story here is where a family in Spain, this guy, Javier gets promoted by his boss to be the foreman. he gets to live in a house and like all of this

is taking place in 1885 I don't know what the fuck shot in the back for a matter of 80 dollars it's like the love of the time of cholera for some reason like what are we talking about this nonsense?

He notices this laborer take he picks handpicks the olives because they don't bruise because the other guys who use like a rake to get them off the trees it bruises the olive

and this guy's got the attention to detail he's up there he's whistling a jaunty tune the rest of the guys are like bullshitting on the ground But we are simple Spanish I will go to my bride

We shall have Drink the good wine And dance inside of the fountain It's like horse shit Steve Listen dude I just watched an hour Of fucking Oscar Isaac

Jerking off Yeah Four minutes of Olivia Cook Mandy Patankan doing something And a bunch of people Rambling incessantly About Bob Dylan I was welcoming this

Let's not ignore the ghost us, baby. It's true, it's true. But the movie goes on vacation, and I needed to take a vacation. Dude, movie sprint break, movie study abroad. I don't know.

Let's see what's going on in Spain. Yeah, why not? Just what are you even talking? I mean, we realize later what we're talking about, but fucking come on. And also, like, this can be, this could take two minutes, but it takes an hour. This guy winds up proposing to his girlfriend.

They move into this big house, and like, it's weird. They have a kid very quickly. It was his little kid named Rodrigo. Yep. And he, you know, and like Antonio Banderas takes an interest in the kid. And, like, he's trying to teach him stuff. And, like, he brings him to globe.

I will, I want to show you a globe because it's 2018. I could not buy you the iPad. We don't have iPads in the Spain. Because he's a rich. I buy you a bird and a globe and maybe the ball on the string. Here's the thing. Two things about that. One is.

And the major is coming over for dinner later. And Francisco's forces are outside of the gates. It's like, what are we talking about? There's pop culture in Spain, I am sure of it. Dude, he's trying to be like a classy, rich prick. Like, he's trying to show off to this woman. Gotcha. You know, like an iPad, it's like, whatever.

You went out to the store and you fucking got it. But there's not a flat screen television in Spain, it seems. I don't know, man. We're not sitting in their fucking TV room. All you see of this, of the caretaker's house, right is stone walls this lamp light dude first of all listen

I got news for you Steve in Europe there's buildings that are older than ones we have here I'm aware of it I'm aware of it I just listen Javier is a simple man with simple tastes and a sick ponytail this dude is kind of moving in on his family

because he's had a tragic life and he brings that globe and fucking Javier's not having it he brought an iPad out some blood would be running in the streets Yeah, you never killed anyone over gifting them a bird Oh, you look like you were about to explode Chris Cabo You had nothing to say

But so like he brings him this globe And like Harvey R realizes that he wants His son wants to go to New York really badly Like that's his dream And like he's like hey we got money we can do it A seven year old doesn't have a dream Kids don't have dreams Can we put that to rest?

Whatever they say, doesn't matter. No, they're a kid. Until they're like 13, maybe. Sure. Then if you want to, you know, they want to go on a trip then, maybe. And somehow... I think Javier just wanted to go to New York. And somehow years of not refusing to sell his olive oil on fucking line.

This didn't end in foreclosure somehow. I don't know how. I was waiting... No, we will load up the donkeys with the olive oil and the climb of the mountain. This guy, you know, Antonio Banderas has this whole, well, they do, people still do old world things. I know, I know. I have wise by paper, and I deliver by bureau. Wait, wait, wait.

Did this out of world travel by airplane? It's, it's not aeroplane. Antonio Banderas is Juan Valdez apparently or something. But my lord, he, the story is like how, how he lived in Italy. his father was almost royalty of how rich he was and him and his mother always had the olive oil from the region

and how funny it was to have second tier olive oil in Italy. So you know he's got a connection to the land and I understand that. You know during the monologue where I almost threw up though where he talks about how

I don't know if it was him and his mother like him and like some local friends or something they would he says to Javier he's like drink it. We drank this olive oil like you and I are drinking this wine right now? And I was like, go off. It was him and his mother.

You and your mother are drinking olive oil? Hey, Ma, let's go sit around the kitchen table, suck back a couple of shots of oil. Spanish olive oil. That's on the insane tab on part of him. Somebody's getting somewhere. Oh, man, him and his mother drinking oil. Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Stepmother. Drink it slow, slower. Drink it slower. So they take this trip to New York. They're having a great time. We are having a great time. And wouldn't you know it, man? This little kid, Rodrigo, runs to the front of the bus and he starts distracting this old pervert driver.

Hola! And he's like, I don't know, showing off with this guy. Not in a weird way. Just as a little kid. And he's a cute little kid. And then the bus driver, who the fuck knows? I mean, yeah. But that white line, guess what, Rodrigo?

That white line exists for a reason. Absolutely, do not, do not distract that driver. You are fucking with a commute right now. Yep. Never fuck with a commute, man. Don't make me tap the sign. Exactly. Don't shoot yourself on the A train, have the decency to curl up into a bathtub and do it.

Same thing, don't talk to bus drivers. And wouldn't you know it, Rodrigo is the little boy at the front of the bus that fucking rams Olivia Wobald. Yes, he just, but the bus driver is distracted, doesn't see it. Yes, he is. I mean, honestly, if this is in New York, if this is law and order, New York, Jack McCoy is bringing that kid up on charges. He's like he's bringing the bus driver up on. All right.

Here's Adam. I'm sorry, but I'm going to press charges on Rodrigo. He'll go to juvenile. It'll only be there a couple of months, but Adam, I'm going to do it. Little boys can not distract bus drivers.

I want to see an alternate timeline where Rodriguez is not on the bus. And the bus driver sees the woman in the street. And fucking floors it. stuff, yes. Because that's the other thing, dude, he does run a red light. Yeah, New York bus drivers do not fuck around. They will push you out of the street by force. Dude, I was on the bus one time, and it was super crowded because also our drivers don't fuck around, but our service is terrible.

Sure. And everybody's trying to cram on this bus. The fucking door couldn't close. And the bus driver was like, if you don't figure out this door situation, I'm going to like unboard the bus and drive away and leave you. you all here. And everybody was like screaming and whoever it was, the door didn't close and all of a sudden the lights on the, it's like, it was winter and

it was nighttime. Of course it was. The fucking lights on the bus turned off and he's like this bus is out of service. Everybody get off. And he fucking kicked us all off in the cold and drove away. That is amazing. New York City bus drivers do not fuck around. We should do this. You should do that on the podcast. This podcast is over.

Everyone turn it off. We're leaving. It's not in service. The rest is just for us. You guys didn't read the subtext. Clearly, Antonio Banderas hired Javier as an international assassin. And he put the hit out on Olivia Wild. I heard Natalie Portman was really good in that movie.

Oscar Isaac, you know, his actual son, Mandy Patinkin, you know. That makes sense. I mean, there's like some bad blood between Antonio Banderas and Mandy Patankan. Who, by the way, looks like an incredible Hulk version of Antonio Banderas in this movie. They have the same haircut. They both have a beard. they want to have big beards

great big bushy beards that would I would totally watch that like Antonio Banderas took it like a secret serum that may or may not come from Rick Moranus's serum he turns into like a bigger older dude do you want to see what happens when I drink

olive oil he turns into Mandy Panic those hands start to be getting excessively hairy like that's you just sort of zoom in on the hand And then he's interested in your hands. And if you've got six fingers on one of them or whatever the fuck.

So they go back to Spain and this kid is really messed up. And like you won't go to sleep. And it's like driving the family nuts. And it's like, I don't fucking John Steinbecks the Pearl. It's like, we have to take him to the doctors in the next town. Oh, the rich. Only the rich doctors. Not here.

No, not our medicine, man. We need to go to the rich town. That's what I'm talking about. This is what you're putting into the movie. You totally are. Incorrect. They're going to a specialist in Madrid. It would be the same thing if like I, you know, I couldn't go to like a specialist in upstate New York.

I'd go to New York City or Albany. Something like the Mayo Clinic. But they're like, what is psychology? What his brain is broken? It's like, come on. No, no, dude, no. Whatever. Listen, I hate this movie just as much as you do.

You are putting stuff on this that's not in there. I will ride and dial. Because what it is is fucking Javier is just a stubborn dude. Javier maybe is like that. Sure. Right? But like the wife is like, no, he's fucked up. We've been to every doctor in town.

Antonio Benderis as Mr. Saccione. Like he can afford it. Like we'll go to this, whatever. So they get in counseling. This woman is like, to this part I sort of agree with you with Steve because this woman is like, oh, I fucking nailed this in two seconds. Yeah, this kid's fucked up. Here's what we're going to do.

And it's a treatment plan that totally works. She's like, this is like level one psychology. My roommate, she has a practice right next door to you. Why did you just call? I thought you're going to say the roommate also guessed it, but she was a foot doctor. It was that obvious. So the plan is now, like for a while, you know, Antonio Banderas is barred from seeing the kid. Because Antonio Baderas is paying for the treatment.

Now he's back in the game. And he's whatever he wants to see the kid. Well, because Javier, after that globe incident, he doesn't fuck around. He's like, that, you mean, Antonio was sniffing around. He totally was, and Javier fucking sniffed that out. Of course. And he's like, take your fucking globe.

And if you need to talk to me, you send for me. Don't ever come to this fucking house again. And Antonio Banderas respectfully backs off. Sure he does. So it's this whole thing, the toll that it's taken on this family, you know, with the kids. PTSD and everything. Like, Javier is drinking a lot. Their marriage crumbles.

Oh, he's succumbing to the drink. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, yeah. I mean, this shit. You could do that in an Irish accent. I know. I'm just saying it's, it's very rote. Of course it is. It's a terrible movie. Yes. And so, you know, the kid gets better,

but the marriage can't be salvaged. Javier's like, you know what, man? Like, Mr. Satjione clearly loves you. I'm just going to bounce from all this. I'm going to send you every penny that I make. But, you know, see you later. Yes, the boat leaves in an hour. The mortal combat.

Quick plug right here because Dan Fogleman wrote this and this woman's going to be dead in 10 minutes, but the woman who plays Isabel, the wife here, is an actress named Laya Costa. She's in a fucking awesome movie called Victoria. If you haven't seen it,

you absolutely have to check it out. Selling point for this movie, it's a two and a half hour, single take of this woman, a Spanish woman who's visiting Germany who gets like wrapped up in this fucking heist. Oh, that's cool. It's incredible and nobody saw it. I think it's streaming on Amazon Prime. Total recommendation. But now she's in this movie. Uh, so blah, blah, blah. The, uh, Javier leaves. The kid grows up. Yes. And so then we, we get to see him as a teenager and he's like, you know, Javier makes like Mr. Satchione make a promise like, you know, grow up

and let him grow up and make sure that he's on the right path and blah blah Bandaris sticks to that they move into the big house and everything like that and wouldn't you know it

just when Rodrigo is about to go away to college Oh no Oh cancer strikes Oh and now The mother is sick because Dan Fulkeman has an erection for grief

Again Insane Tab Listen Dan Fulgeman If you had an erection for more than four hours writing the screenplay fucking see a doctor. Boner clang! Tear lubricant tab.

It is like the parent Terminator. Yeah, dude, parent Terminator strikes again. Nice mother you have there. With the shame if she had cancer when you went the way to school. Oh, I think she got the cancer from drinking too much olive oil. And where is Antonio?

Oh, by the way, Javier leaves. Did we mention that? Yeah, he pieces out. He disappears from the earth. But he sends money. Right. And Antonio sends Rodrigo to NYU. Oh, yeah. It's like, eventually the mother's like, hey, man, I've been getting this treatment for a while now. It's keeping me alive, but I'm not getting better. Go to college. Don't put your life on hold for me.

Well, this kid would go anywhere but New York City. Am I wrong? The last time you wanted, he killed a lady. Well, that's true. Well, that's what I was wondering about. Maybe we can bring that to the table right now. sure i was wondering like the treatment and everything that he got did the kid forget about all of this we don't know it's i mean it's i know that they don't address it but like what do you because you're right like why the fuck would he go back to this wretched hive of his coming village i don't think he forgot about i think he came to terms with it yeah see and NYU is the school he wants to go soon but there's a good movie they cut out where he's like coming to terms with all of his past right well because there's a moment i'll bring it up when we get to them

moment but there's a moment later in the film where i was like this is where you should fucking piss your pants right now freak out about this like i would never go to new york if i killed somebody you know what i mean like there's plenty of cities in america go to school in boston go to brown and fucking san francisco you know what i mean like if you want to you want to spend a lot of money on a near ivy league education isn't brown in rhode island brown's in rhode island yeah oh bruns and rhode island was in san francis lots of berkeley but like you know any Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to go to a prestigious university, there's plenty of them. We got them out the ass. Do not go to New York City. You can pay $300,000 for a piece of paper anywhere in this country.

And he starts dating this woman from Long Island. And I mean, like, it's just, I mean, this movie is, I'm sorry, misogynistic. Like, it's a, all of the women are manic, either manic pixie dream girls. Or getting cancer. Or saintly mothers. get cancer or like the dumbest dumb bitch in the world and that's in air quotes because like that's what this character is also she's also like the loose woman she's got to sherry dickstein by the way there is no redeeming qualities about this character and that's how she's written you know of course it is because all this character exists for is to play a fucking pregnancy scare joke on

this guy i couldn't even believe it's a young new york stereotype where she's just like all she cares about his brunch and you know doing things with her boyfriend and the bubblyness even though it has a vicious angle to it where she goes on to this tear about how she's pregnant and she keeps it going and this is again

another example of the egregious walk and talk oh yeah man totally talking about the whole fucking fillet talking about the restaurant let's wait to get to the restaurant yeah exactly light chit chat is okay while you're walking first of all brunch at a Vietnamese restaurant what are we talking Let me tell you I had that same exact

Right? Like what do you mean Let's call her lunch We're not going to brunch How about that shit? We're staying, you just told me that We're staying right here We're going to fucking hatch out Oh that's right because she does fucking drop

That bomb back of the dorm room Doesn't she? Let's go to brunch Oh fuck you. Let's stay here We're staying about this Maybe we're ordering food But that's it goes into it's fucking

I don't know 2065 at this point I'm sure Grubhub has got really diverse You can get whatever you want on Grubov. You just have to yell at your wall. You have to yell your order at the wall. Grabba Har Replicaator, we would like some far, please.

Tell us screen. He has to go fight woodmen. He turns into Mega Man for a little while. That'd be kind of cute. That would be cute. But yeah, also, oh, by the way, she also says, oh my God, you've never been to Whole Foods. And it's like, oh, ding, ding, ding, Jeff Bezos got a boner.

Hold on a second. What year is this supposed to be? Exactly. Whole Foods are still around? Well, dude, it turns out they won the supermarket wars. Trader Joe got his fucking head cut off with a steering column decaminated. I think I live in hiding now as a Trader Joe supporter. And at that point, they probably will own most national parks.

Probably. The whole foods, yeah. So he tries to break up with her. She says she's pregnant. And then they go on this whole thing, they're freaking out. He sits down. April fools. What? They don't have April fools where you come from? No, first of all, because America's the stupidest country in the world.

April fools. Listen, April fools, enough society. Enough with the April fools. Enough corporate brands on Twitter with April fools. Enough with April fools all around. You know what? Want to make me look like I shit myself? That's your business. Want to tell me I accidentally impregnated. you. That is a couple lines too far in the old you're gonna poke fun at me a meter. How about

a fucking peanut can with snakes popping out? Yes, exactly. Because you know Rodrigo's like thinking to himself well, I've gotten away with murder in New York before. Wouldn't be the first young lady. Speaking of Jack McCoy, dude. Well, no, there is that moment where a can,

I mean, I guess it can be played either way because, like, she's, again, she's walking and talking not paying attention to where she's going and a cab zips by and he looks at the cab and like you can understand like what he's doing is sort of being like oh my god life is so fragile whatever but i think he's also like what if i didn't grab her what if i didn't grab her and he does he saves her from being hit by a taxi and it's mirroring that that moment when olivia wild gets hit by a bus and i had the fucking thought for a second i was like oh shit what time went what year is it

I was like, is this, is Rodrigo, Mandy Patentkin? Like, is it the fathers? Like, I don't even, you know, I don't know what's going on. Well, let's put it this way, dude. If Mandy Patanking was supposed to be Rodriguez age, right, we're definitely not going to a Vietnamese restaurant for brunch. Brunch has not been invented yet, and the Vietnamese are not opening restaurants.

But who the fuck know? That's what the problem is, these timelines they do is none of it. It's all, it's all 2018 forever. Of course it is. Yeah. Forever backwards and forward. Well, yeah. By the time, like, at the end of this, it turns out we meet the fucking narrator. It's the daughter of Dylan and Rodrigo. Which is probably 25 years in the future even more. And it's still 2018. They're at the Strand.

What are we talking about? How isn't she reporting from a bubble underneath the ocean that has swallowed everything? You are trying to tell me that in 2060, we still have bookstores. Are you nuts? I mean, like, honest. Is it supposed to be the Strand by the way? The Strand welcomes whatever her name is. Dude, no.

That place is great. Don't go there specifically trying to look for something. It's strictly a browsing facility. But also, no, that place is closed for business by then. I think Eric had a point. He stumbled around it. What if it was? I tend to.

No, no, no. You said it's 2018 forever. Yeah. What if they're in hell? Because hell would be 2018 forever. That is true. Like an endless 2018. You're so right.

Until 2019 finishes. We'll see what happens. Yeah, keep trying to break records. Hell gets hotter every layer. So, um... What's also crazy... Sorry, we do have to move on. But what's insane about when she is saved from the taxi by Roger

She, like, doesn't miss a beat in what she's saying, which is supposed to be a joke, but like, this isn't a fucking Farley Brothers movie. She would be like, my lord, I was almost hit by a car. She's an airhead, Andrew, right? It's so fucking stupid. She's not the mother. She's not, she's not, she's not, uh, the manic pixie dream girl. She's the airhead. Is she not the mama? Oh, you are not the father. No, wait, that's Mori Povic. Oh, dude, if the dinosaurs went on Mori Povich. And Mori is just like, I have news for you, baby dinosaur. He definitely is the mama. Wow, earth shattering. That'd be amazing.

You know, it's funny, as Moripovic is that old that it would make sense. Also, I wish that this movie ended like the dinosaurs television program. Oh, when they get colder. The fucking ice age came

and they got extinct. If it was realistic, it would. Actually, you had 2065. We're fucking freezing our balls off going to Vietnam. she would be presenting her books to a room of frozen corpses that have been there since and she's the last surviving person it's just her she's talking to the waiting room in beetle juice or either that or it's like rain of fire where she's in reenacting star wars for people oh my wow what a pull something but good scene so she breaks up he breaks up with her he also at this point similarly because the termination in town. His mother dies. Right. He gets a phone call from Antonio

Banderas. It's a very touching scene between her and Antonio Banderas. Sure. She dies. Also, good move by Mr. Banderas, though. We're told that he has been writing Javier all through the years. On this manila paper, yet again, that came from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's fucking writing desk. Steve, he's a fucking Luddite.

Just accept it. They exist. All right. Whatever. Sure. He keeps up his correspondence and he's like, Hey, man, your old ladies die and better come home. Hey, brother. Well, I think he writes everything. Oh, hello, Javier.

I fucked your wife last night. That's how he starts every single letter. We had the most passionate hot sex. Anyway, she was definitely thinking about you, but I still did. This is the most, the only real evil letter. Writing letters. Oh, I think you've got adultery.

No, no, no. writing letters comes before adultery dude manual correspondence no thanks so the three of them

are together when she bites the big one and then he just gets a phone call at NYU Mama El Morte right

I fucked that up sure did yeah so then he just gets a phone call right after this breakup yes and the whole thing

is we're told like Rodrigo loves going running blah blah so he goes out for a jog at night thinking about his dead ma

and wouldn't you know it Oh, what? Get ready for this. What? He's jogging up 6th Avenue. He stops and sees Olivia Cook crying. He was the one that said, are you okay? Whoa.

Whoa. I killed your mom. But this is what I was talking about, though. Like, he would get to that intersection. Look at that fucking sidewalk and be like, ooh, right. Yeah, exactly. He would go to a weird regression stage or some horseship.

Totally. He would shoot his pants, suck his thumb, and, like, just be on the corner until he was dead. A lot of New York looks like. a lot in New York. That's true. Yeah. Maybe he's already

had those moments. I do like when he pulls this move on her because she's like she's not paying attention and he goes like, Ola. And he's like it's a move.

Like you look like this dude. Exactly. He's been saying fucking Ola nonstop dude you've been studying in America for a long time. You know what fucking high is. No,

I think this is a move. It's like a sexy kind of Ola. Of course it is. Because of those fucking NYU creeps from Europe. All they do is with their silver tongues lay out that

fucking, ooh, exotic. Oh, yeah, Europa. Eric's back hair just went up. It's just obnoxious. But also, all right, so let's play this. And this is kind of the end of the movie. Like, he says, Ola. And then we cut to this woman

who we talked about as in The Strand. She's like a writer. This whole thing has been a book. By the way, this is now book readings work. Like, was this supposed to be a chapter? Was this the introduction? Dude, that was my fucking book? I was like, Jesus Christ, this was cover to cover.

Also, you better believe that the book is called Life itself. Uh-huh. just so you know they don't die right now all right in our lives not just deaths we cut through all of it

we cut through we see like little snippets of like her being raised of her being raised in Spain and like her idealic beautiful childhood this is their daughter now this is Rodrigo and Dylan's daughter

Dylan dog Dylan Dex dog detective Dylan you son of Oh, so it's just insane. So now the year is 2090 or whatever. But also, like, what are we talking about? Like, I don't know, like, you know, there's like that fourth or fifth date. Like maybe you've had sex as the second time you had sex. We're just kind of staying up late talking about stuff. And you're like, yo, you know, how did your parents die? Well, my mother was hit by a bus in the year 2018, wherein, then my dad killed himself directly as a result of that bus murder. her. So that was really sad. What, what happened to you? Nothing. Like, what? It's insane to me that we just cut to this woman reading from this book at the Strand. And none of that is, like, clearly that would come up. And all she talks about is like how great her life was and how the two of them

loved each other and are amazing. And it's like, no, no, no. That is the fucking, the life-shattering douchechill that would come up at some point. And they're not having a kid. That's a third act of this movie. If there, if this was a movie, if the fucking, Spain olive oil part didn't take two hours. And sometimes it's good to be hit by buses. The end. And also like all of her trauma, like I mean,

that's the thing that really bugs me about this movie is they set up somewhat of an interesting character when Dylan, but all of her trauma, all of her agency is like, she meets some good dick and it's great. You know what I mean? Like she doesn't want to be a punk.

We don't know what happens to her. I guess she doesn't want to be a musician anymore, I guess. Excuse me, Stephen. Have you had good dick? Not lately. There is a thing in this movie that's also like, well, it's like it doesn't matter what my story is. My story is you, my children. There's a lot of like have kids propaganda.

There's fucking certainly is. But there's also like her whole thing at the end is like, I'm not just me. I'm my mother. I'm my mother's mother. I'm my fucking husband's mother. Getting medication for that. I'm going to tell you. I'm also, I'm Antonio,

Mandaris and Mandy been taking it at the same time motherfucker and now here comes the beast the beast is coming out

inside me James McAvoy glass there is in the background of the strand if you look very closely

you can see Mandy Patankin in a robot body because it's the technology right that was the thing

I was like what happened to that guy that's the only character we don't know his fucking end

he exploded spontaneous combustion oh shit Life fucking weird. Oh, no. In Day 79 of the shutdown, there's just a mass purge of old people and he died. Oh, that's coming up.

That's coming up pretty quick. Right around the corner, pretend. Get ready. Got a lot to look forward to. A lot of less red voters. I mean, like, yeah, her whole story is just gone. Evaporates. And that's kind of the end of the movie.

We do kind of get this thing where the mother, Rodrigo's mother, who's, character's name. I can forget. Isabel, I think, is her name, right? Yeah. Gives this speech. We do find, see, like, her last scene with her son, where she's like, you know, love is, no matter how hard life gets, love is just a little bit further on. You just

have to pick yourself up and keep moving. And she's like, you know, you know, I may be dying, but you are me. So I, my body may die, but you're still me. So go out and give me a great life and all this stuff. I also love, like, how this guy is like, oh man, my life was

kind of like they're again they're smoking cigarettes are sitting sitting in bed they've had sex it's like you know my life is kind of tough too like my mom died of cancer when I was like 25 and like also I also um yeah and she's again my dad my mother was killed by a bus and then my dad killed himself before I even met me I've never met anybody I'm literally marred by tragedy my dad like I barely even know that dude right but but my new dad is super rich and cool yeah exactly drives sports car I guess we also don't know the fate of those two guys, Javier and Mr. Sanchione. He's fucking he inherits it all, Rodrigo eats it all. They show them on that fucking estate dressed to the nines.

Oh, so you're saying Bandaris is out of the picture at that point? I think he's dead. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Money solves everything. That's another message of life. You're totally right because Olivia Cook is dressed in like a pantsuit situation. And it's like, what are we taught? Who is this character even?

Money, money, money. If you want to make this movie, which you shouldn't. You should set it in the past, in like, I don't know, like New Orleans Gentry family. They go through like World War I. Sure. They go through World War II. Also, you do the whole family expanse

thing. Not to be an asshole, but and to stop, to talk about the timeline again. Yeah. So, Olivia Cook is a fucking almost born baby. Zero years old. And so this kid is seven years old on this bus. Right. Oh shit.

Age gap lover. Well, no, but also like, so he goes to NYU, what? when he's 28? Like, how old? Well, no, because remember, he's going to go to school and then the cancer strikes and he hangs back. And we're not really told, like, how long he's hanging back. But at that night when they meet, Olivia Cook is 21. But she hasn't gone to college.

She tells me to be taking and she's not going. He's still 21 years old. How old is this dude? That's the other thing, though. If you're celebrating your 21st birthday, aren't you well and good done arguing with your grandfather how when you graduated at high school at 18, you weren't going to college? Well, that was cut out of the movies. He clearly doesn't remember anything. He's going through

the Alzheimer's. I guess what happened here, fellas, is that we just got duped by an unreliable narrator. Oh, well. You say Rodrigo's going for a master's. But you know what the most unreliable narrator is? Lazy writing.

We didn't talk about the whole fucking unreliable narrator thesis subplot which goes... We briefly did. We're fine. It's fine. It's just, it's just to live you while spouting off fucking grade school nonsense. And also is then mocked later in the film because apparently the

thesis was terrible and she failed. The usual suspects was mentioned. I wanted to tell you're totally right. As the one of the example of unreliable narrative. Oh, that's right. You're totally right. This dude fucking googled unreliable narrator in the first it was fucking Canterbury Tales wife of bath

and fucking usual suspects, both of which are name dropped by name and that is it. Wow, deep pull on that first one. I don't know what you're talking about. I know what the Canterbury tells are. I've never read it. What's the wife in the bath? Wife of bath. She's just a lady tell, a bawdy lady telling a body story. Is that on the

sane? Is that in the sane tab? Wait, a wife in the bath telling me a story? That's some ASMR shit, dude. I guess that's the movie, right? It is. I got to tell you. I got to tell you, this was a tough one. It was tough. There were so many times where I paused to get up to go to the bathroom when I was like

what would the guys think if you just turn this off? I watched this because I didn't want to let you guys down and I didn't want to let the audience down but this was rough it was rough and of course no one's recommending this movie right? No. You sick bastards on the insane tab are recommending this movie. It's not even

seeing as believing. I think the cast is great. Walto wall like everybody's really good. They've proved themselves in other areas. I mean I've never seen Rodrigo and Javier and anything I will say X-Men Apocalypse is a better movie than this, honestly. If you want to talk a bad Oscar-Isaac movies, I would much rather watch it that fucking nonsense.

You know, the X-Men timeline makes more sense than this time. Of course it does. Of course it does. I liked Apocalypse. I think it might be the only person on the planet. I know, I like Apocalypse too. I just know that I'm in the minority. So that's why I'm even saying, like, in the realm of...

We're Apocalypse buds. I thought it was fine. All right. Oh, wow. You know, let's take 20 minutes. A lot of people don't like it, but a lot of people don't like a lot of people. But you know what's great. great. After I just, I came out with that.

Now I don't feel so alone anymore. I won't wake up screaming in the middle of the night. But I would not recommend it. I think it's childish nonsense. And also, by the way, fuck you, Dan Fogelman. He got really, he got really touchy about what he called white male critics that don't

believe in anything that has emotion. This movie was universally paned. What did critics of all other shapes, colors, and jazz? I know what happened. I was like, yeah, we also don't like it. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Christopher? No, don't watch this movie.

It's terrible. And Dan Fulgerman is like, like, yeah. I'm sure he's a nice guy, by the. I don't care if he is. I'm just saying we don't need to personally insult people just because we didn't like their work. Well, he's a white man. Sometimes we get a little out of control. Well, I mean, I think his work is garbage, but also the way he reacted is like the

of the biggest cowards in the world. Dude, who did, do you honestly think critics matter? Do you? That's my big question. and usually they're like no and then they're like but when I do something bad yes well that's yeah right

it's like critics don't matter until they fucking universally shit on something I made and then they're fucking the evil army that also then financially fails yeah well I'm a big time failure this movie he closed his eyes

every time he was writing and then my Oscar speech will be instead he got the second lowest box office draw in history this is the still the 8th most successful Amazon movie.

Oh, really? Now, it's the second most successful one that they put out as Amazon Studios. Because before they opened up Amazon Studios, they had movies that they were making, but they would hire other companies like Roadside Attractions and Lionsgate and Bleaker Street films to release their movies. So, like, technically the most successful Amazon movies, Manchester by the Sea, which Roadside put out. The Big Sick is next. That was Lions and they're both between $42 and $47 million and then the fucking tank drop love and friendship which I think is a good movie was

$14 million worldwide this was $4.1 million worldwide but you know it was a bigger failure in the same year 2018 the fucking wretched I think very splitting the room film Susperia tanked worse than this movie

I've heard good things don't waste your time It's not, yeah. But Eric would... Oh, no, I'm sorry. Manchester by the sea is a movie about trauma and tragedy. It's like if this, and there's that moment where he almost kills himself, like, but then the movie goes on. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's a story.

Well, it's a movie about grief, but I'm not imagining Ken Lonergan writing that script jerking off about the fucking grief pornography. Because it happens once or twice, actually. Yeah, I can't... I obviously I'm a know on this because like I, the whole sweeping generations of family shit. Yeah. It doesn't work in a future context. No, if you don't have the budget to make it look in any way futuristic. And like, listen, like for, I guess the Olivia Cook part, maybe, but by the time this granddaughter is at the bookstore, you got to have goggles or something, man.

Flying cars. Serious, Jesus Christ. I mean, yeah, you're right, though. But to your point, like, set it in like the 80s, set it in the 70s. And then we come up to now or even like 20, 23. You got, you got like a five-year window. Like, why are we, why play guessing when you have history that exists that you could set your. And then Steve would have been way happier with the Spain threat.

Yes, exactly, but everything but candlelight. Well, if you're going to do it just, like, she's got to be doing that reading from the same place like Ellen Burstyn is at the end of Interstellar. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's where you are. Maybe they'll put a strand there. I don't know. Oh, God.

Anyway, where are we at? I wouldn't recommend it on a piece of shit. Why would you do it? See that Twitter thread where I went insane watching this movie. Oh, my Lord, and heaven. That is life itself directed by TV Wunderkin Dan Fogelman. If you want more we hate movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. Follow us on Twitter.

We're at WHM podcast and subscribe to our YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash we hate movies. Quickly mentioned that if you're like, hey, where's that December mailbag episode? It is on the YouTube. So watch it on the YouTube. And it's fun, an interactive experience with us.

And more streaming shit to come, by the way. I was saying this on Twitter the other day. I've got some like tech stuff in the mail. And funny enough, speaking of Amazon movies, Bezos fucked me. A bunch of tech had to get sent back because it was the wrong shit, but we're working on that.

So YouTube.com slash we hate movies. Subscribe to that channel and click that little alarm button so you get the notifications for when we go on the air. Because it's going to happen pretty soon, I think. It's going to do it. Now, Steve Sadek,

the worst of 2018 continues next week with I shudder to think, what are we even talking about? Two things. One, the worst of 2018 will continue into the first week of February because we did bump it out with the love guru.

Right, right, right. So it's not the last of the, we're 2018 coming up. But it is the happy place murders? Happy time murder. Happy time murders. I've not seen this film yet. It's called AKA,

I think when it was released in Croatia, it was called puppet fuckers. And then in Romania was called Muppet Cumb. Yeah. Le Muppet Seed. Ooh, the French release. So until next week, where we are talking about puppets having sex and solving crimes or some shit. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Chris Gavin. Eric Cisker. Take it easy. That was a Headgum podcast.