We Hate Movies - S9 Ep402: Episode 402 - The Happytime Murders

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang continues to discuss Some of the Worst of 2018 with a chat about the most EXTREME puppet film ever made, The Happytime Murders! Wow, could you imagine if a puppet used a curse word? Or could you i-magine if a puppet got shot in the face with a shotgun? Oh, could you just IMAGINE if a puppet was shown ejaculating on camera?! I mean, COULD YOU IMAGINE?! PLUS: George Lucas bonds with Brian Henson over the thrill of taking beloved franchises to the next level! The Happytime Murders stars Melissa McCarthy, Elizabeth Banks, Maya Rudolph, Leslie David Baker, Joel McHale, and Bill Barretta; directed by Brian Henson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's raining puppet semen for some reason. It's the Happy Time Murders. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Is that the Muppet puppet music?

Yeah, well, yeah. You might get sued. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this week, we are continuing the worst of 2018 with one with one of the dumbest things. we've seen in a long time. It's the Happy Time murders directed by boy, his father's rolling over in his grave. Brian Henson, holy shit,

do you talk about a fucking disgrace to the family legacy. To be fair, I did not know Jim Henson personally. He might have had a treasure trove of puppet-related pornography, and this is actually honoring his... Look, I love the man.

He made my childhood magical. He fucked a puppet. Jim Henson fucked a puppet. I'm not. Don't fucking laugh. It happened. You are 100% right. You know what?

Brian Henson's fucked a puppet. We'll get there eventually. But Brian Henson has fucked up puppets, dude. He grew up fucking puppets. Jim Henson fucked a puppet. Why, you will not come down from this. The son fucked puppets. Yes, exactly.

I, you know what? We don't have any actual information on that legally. That's an allegedly situation. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. He fucked a puppet. I'm just saying, if allegedly.

Jim Henson fucked a puppet, which I don't think he did. But if he did, he definitely did not make a fucking movie out of it, man. You know what? It was probably an early puppet. It was actually a beanbag chair. With a fucking mophead attached to it. And he called like a roly-poly

or something. I'm not saying this was a serial situation. I'm saying once, just once. He fucked a puppet. But that kid was deranged. Brian, the son. Just a feral animal. Just going through puppies.

Like animal. like animal but fucking puppets i would just say there's a really high percentage chance that brian henson has a real doll in his house like a real guy's got money he likes puppets it's a real doll shape to look like the lady from dr teeth's band oh yes janis that's exactly right and it's like weirdly furry or something right it's got to have like that the texture puppet quality yeah and i got to tell you i mentioned this i believe it was on the mile 22 episode again With the Chinese money in American films, dude, these H brothers, they're back and they're financing puppet fuckery. Dude, this movie is 74 minutes of content. It's 90 minutes flat, which is clearly like we needed to really pat this out.

What a blessing, though. It's 90 minutes flat, end to end. It's like seven minutes of production companies. I mean, like, there are so many different titles. Everybody got their own, like, animated intro. Doors are opening. People are going to car. whatever is going on and then like there's 12 minutes of like bloopers and then like long credits yeah oh yeah the blooper reel too i forgot about that classic bit um so this movie is kind of supposed to be like a like l a noir detective kind of thing

but it's all based around the one thesis of hey wouldn't it be funny if you saw a puppet swear and then ejaculate on a wall or or puppet racism Yeah. Like, is that something you really needed in your life? Well, that part of it is all sort of like lifted from Roger Rabbit. Just replace cartoons with Muppets and it's the same thing. It was also reminded me of Bright a little bit because the one puppets are because that he was a cop and he was disgraced and, you know, he's true. Oh, yeah, you're totally right.

Yeah. And also, like, I also don't know what this world. Like, for some reason, like, cartoon, I never thought about it too much in Tune Town because, or in Roger right because they are sort of subject into tune town right and they don't leave and it's not like puppets around the world and puppets forever this is like they're commingling with humans so like what is the deal could there be a puppet president when no definitely not because they're they wouldn't like no way no puppet no puppet all right we have one right now I will tell you one thing though to do a bad job for a pub would be a secret service agent

because you can't stop a bullet I mean it's got to go right through you yeah no exactly It's never going to happen. You can do all the running, jumping, and all that stuff. Oh, you don't be fun, like, get a puppet, like, with a bunch of, like, castor and pans hanging off of him, you know, as that's, that's, like, that's, like, that's, like, that's, like, a puppet as a puppet as a cop makes absolutely no sense. You just have to, like, slowly back and over with a car. One of he's wearing a vest, dude. Slowly back and over with a car. Well, you could kill a regular cop that way, too.

No, but I'm saying, it would just be way easier. That's true. I can rip a puppet's head off, like, Goro. And I am not Goro. You know what I mean? I could just... If you were in this world, would you be, like, mad like that? Would you be, like, rip, and puppet heads?

This is the same. I would feel the same way about a fucking human puppet world as I do now about the oncoming human robot world in that I will never respect an android. I will fucking rip an android's head off. But don't you love data from Star Trek? That's a fantasy television show, dude. What about a fantasy life? What?

No! That's what it's going to be when there's robots, robot butlers. I don't want a fucking robot anything. the closest I have to a robot is my fucking trash can in my kitchen, has a motion sensor on it, and a little thing drives around my living room and vacuum shit out. That's as far as I will go with robots. You treat those like garbage. I do, because they're robots.

Well, okay, okay. But would you, like, join with the Covington kids and pick out the eyeball of that Muppet? No, I don't want to associate with those little fucking trash bags. So, yeah, just they would live. Let them live. I kind of agree because, like, also, the thing about robots v. puppet. especially in this happy time universe. Robots are better.

Robots are better. But no, but puppets are naturally occurring. You know what I mean? Yeah. And have conceivably souls. They fuck. We see the semen.

So you can... And they grow up and die. They birth puppets is what I'm getting at. They're like biological. And I think we even allude to Melissa McCarthy being like part puppet back. She got like a kidney transplant. Oh, that's what it was. It's just a ball of yarn.

Yeah. Speaking of I missed that line I found that out in like what I reread the summary from Wikipedia because I think I just looked at my cat and went he and I'm like which you'll do you'll just do that

what I love is at the start of this movie they really dip their toe into puppets saying fuck the first time a puppet says fuck it's like the voice actor is so hesitant to say fuck it kind of drags a little bit and it's like

are we really going to do this fuck he's supposed to be nervous because he just got bullied out of a cab like oh right and then they exactly tells you what kind of movie this is yes like right off the bat it's like oh remember how like black people can't get cab sometimes what about puppets it's okay does that make everyone feel better not really dressing it but it's a puppet that comes on the floor everywhere it comes everywhere that's representation I don't know what you're I don't know what everyone's mad about And then there's also that weird thing at the beginning of this where, like, they, I don't know if it's a, the ring is busted or they just make mention of like, an actual black market business in this world is cutting off puppets feet and selling them as good luck charms. What the fuck is that? Exactly. Like, that's like beyond anything, you know, any kind of actual discrimination, anyone's experience at least at the last 200 years. Like, this is fucking nuts.

I don't know. There's probably somewhere there's cutting something. somebody's you know I don't know what's going on I mean I can imagine not in Los Angeles maybe not in Los Angeles

at some point in history that definitely happened sure but like yeah that's not like a funny little thing to assume that's not the rabbit's foot that's because you made them alive and they say fuck

I bet you can get a foot on the dark web yes probably you get a foot I'll get a foot there keychain with a baby foot You're baby foot, dude. I got your baby foot right there. This is my question, though, about rabbits. You brought a rabbit's feet.

There are people puppets and animal puppets. And what's the difference? What are we talking about here? If I, people are fucking puppets, it seems, is it bestiality if I fuck a rabbit puppet? There are rabbit puppets that are like short and they're more look like rabbits. And then there's like a dog man that's like, like, two legs. That dog puppet with like a Russian accent. Right. So I feel like a puppet dog and a puppet Russian and created that thing.

It's kind of BoJack Horseman rules. Yeah. Yep. I still, I don't, I haven't watched that really. So I don't know what the rules are. It's very good. But it does. It's a mixture of like animal people. Can they fuck? Yes. Oh, yeah. Everybody's happening. So can like a cat. And there's regular people as well. Can a cat and a bird have a baby? Yes, they can. Really? Do they show it? They do not. I don't know. Hey, you guys better show it!

Show me that nightmare. Speaking of Bro, Jack Horstman, up to it, including last night when I pressed play, I would have bet real money that Will Arnett was the lead puppet in this movie. So would I. That's so funny. I was like, oh, it's that puppet movie with Will Arnette as the puppet. He's made a lot of mistakes? Exactly.

That's what's weird, though, is that true to. all other Henson movies is like the real life people of this movie are actors that you recognize and then the puppets are just Muppet company voice actors which is you would think like for something like this which is such a stupid concept and a hard enough sell as it is wouldn't you want to say like and Will Arnett as fucking Detective Phillips the puppet I kind of agree with that

a little bit also meet the feebles already did it everybody it's already been done yeah let's uh let's just skip over the fucking genius of Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles. It's so good. Is it like, it's like we're cutting up each other, we're puppets? Oh yeah, it's really dark. It's a lot of sex and a lot of murder. Which like, it's probably about something when this movie is not about...

It's like a production like The Muppet show, except for it's the Feebles. Yeah, the show is meet the fiend. But they're all backbiting and they like kill each other and they're disgusting and like drug addicts. This is very derivative. Yes, it absolutely is. um can i um we don't do this off we only know this actually in our live shows oh shit which actually speaking of which we're actually doing a tour from april 22nd april 25th uh you can check out the w hm podcast dot com and click that tour button to find out about that but we usually end those shows

with reviews that we find out iMdb i found this today because it answers the question that i had all the entire time i was watching this why does this movie exist who is this for oh yes uh and this is from somebody, it's called the guy, the guy is named Cineophile and I'm going to withhold the numbers and I want this guy getting blasted. Is the Cineophile dot, dot, dot, something or other. So go to the I&B

page for Happy Time, Merders, look at the review for Cinefile, whatever the fuck. No, don't. Leave him alone. This released on my 20th birthday and it looked awesome. And I really enjoyed this. Now that I'm older, this was much more enjoyable than the family-friendly movies

like the Muppet movie, the Muppet movie, the Muffet Christmas Carol, movies that I enjoy but feel kind of childish. Because he's 20 years old and he wants something cool. I saw this with two friends and I think I was the only one of the three that liked it. I personally walked out of the theater

laughing my head off. This movie is rated R for good reasons. There's tons of swearing, many sexual jokes. One of this is one scene as Phil and a female client having rough, crazy sex in his office. When he does, silly string shoots out all over the room. implying sperm oh thanks for clearing that up funny it's awesome i died of laughter at that with my hands

covering my mouth and my friends gaped in shock my other friend was in the bathroom at the time we told him about the car afterwards he was shocked as well uh like i said i'm the only one that cared for it not much critical acclaim on roger ebert's site it has two stars lower than what the flick and other scores i don't know what the flick is i don't know uh richard robert the modern rogerie for it didn't give this movie any stars at all i will admit this movie isn't amazing but i just had a ton of fun laughed off and and just went along for the ride i couldn't help but love it if you expect a great movie but if you don't expect a great movie but a popcorn flick this movie will be a lot of fun if you find my my review helpful please read it make note of my

other reviews oh man please read my other he's trying to get following yeah first of all this guy's probably a listener so i just want to thank him But this is like nostalgia at a breaking point. You got the people that were like into the Muppets or maybe with this guy, the new Muppet movies or Muppet TV shows. And you're a little older and you're becoming like a gross adult. Yeah. And you're like, I want to see those puppets do gross adult things like me because I,

the only significant other in my life is an Xbox. Like I think that's kind of weird. There's definitely a subsector. I mean, there's something there. It's like a pizza that just, you know, it sounds great, but then you order, you like, oh, I got to eat this. It's just you ordered wrong, like you thought it was going to be good. And it's not.

And this isn't good. Like, there's a reason why Carmet the Frog isn't fucking slinging webs, man. I'm sorry. And not for nothing. That fucking comment about like shit being for kids, fuck that shit, dude. I just rewatch the Great Muppet Kaper like four months ago. I'm in my fucking mid-30s. It's a genius film.

I do not buy that argument for a fucking second. You're just a dirty fucking pervert that wants to see a fucking puppet. fucking paint the walls white man and it's not okay i mean like we'll see with this kid when he's 25 30 or 30 but like yeah like you're allowed to like childish stuff if it's done well you know what i mean it's it's timeless the muppet show yeah the old show from the 70s is not a show for children it's just like kids can watch it sure and it's fine but there's so much shit in the writing of the Muppets show that a child will not understand. It is a show made with adults in mind.

So, like, that idea of like, oh, it's just puppets for kids. No, it's not. It's really smart comedy writing that you have to use fucking puppets for. And at no point, did Miss Piggy need to get a fucking facial. Well, that's your opinion. There were many people who would disagree in that fact. I mean, I do think that, yeah, it's got to be, if it's, the only way you could be adults is if you fucking show somebody coming.

That's the only way. That is my credo as well, yes. I mean, the whole thesis of this is like, wouldn't it be funny if a puppet said fuck? And it's like, no. When next time someone asks you for an ID to buy a beer or a pack of smokes, I want you just to come on the counter. You got to make it quick.

Everyone gets arrested, a massive arrest. Well, that's how you prove you're an adult. Across this great nation. I wish I had the power to do that, right? Phil is a down in his luck. He's a private detective. He's an ex-cop. He was disgraced for reasons we find out later in the film.

He was the first and only puppet cop in the LAPD. On the LAPD, that's right. And whatever the disgrace thing was, they made a law called the Phillips Law, which is no puppets can be police officers. They're trying to do like this film noir thing. Yes. The antagonist turns out to be like a femme fatale.

And it's just like, I don't know. lean into it more if you're going to do that I know no one wants to watch black and white but like make it stylize it in some way it's just a brightly lit piece of shit movie that's masquerading as like yeah like this LA noir it doesn't

work that there's narration he's like yeah and then she walked into my office blah blah blah like that whole thing yeah he's got his number two his secretary's play but Maya Rudolph just doing her best the human beings in this movie all deserve better

every last one of them. And yeah, she's doing her best. Actually, it's interesting. She has some lines. There's a line that she has somewhere in the movie. I think it's like towards the end where she has to like really emote. Yeah.

And she does a good job. Like she sells these dramatic lines talking to a fucking puppet. She's the best part of the movie for me. Yeah. And like I don't think Melissa McCarthy is bad in this movie. No. That's the thing I was, I was kind of nervous about. Like she steps on the screen.

She's fucking yelling and debasing up. She's yelling at and debasing. facing a puppet. And I was like, ah, man, she's going to be funny in this, isn't she? God damn it. And I think a lot of the time she is funny, but it's just like, I can watch that Melissa McCarthy shtick in a better movie too. Yeah, you really can. In almost everything else she's done. Yeah, exactly. Spies very good. Yeah, exactly. Do that? I mean, she's better in Ghostbusters than she is in this movie. Bridesmaids. It's still really good. Yeah, you know. So there's things you can watch these people.

This is a puppet. Michael and Molly, man. This is like less than my. Michael and Molly. Yes, this is less funny. Did Mike ever comment that thing? I imagine. This is sub-Tammy. Oh, wow. I did not see it.

I did see that. It's her and Susan Sarandon. Yes. Right? Yeah, and Mark Duplas. This is a, she's nominated for an Oscar, by the way. She just got nominated. Rightfully so.

Oh, yeah. For the happy time murdered. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, what? Can you ever forgive me? Yeah. She plays a puppet in that. Oh, okay.

A puppet author that tries, no, no, no, no, she doesn't. Hoaxes, hoaxes. A sexy puppet walks into Phil's office. She's like, I'm being blackmailed for being too sexy. I've got a case of the AIMAs or something like that. And he's like, what's the IMA? He's like, if I'm a next to it, I'm a fuck it. And it's like, okay.

Oh, already. She's got nymphomania. Yes. And she's, she has some line where it's like, yeah, it's like, something like if I'm next it I'm gonna fuck it and then I'll come and she's like again and again and again

and that's the joke if you want to explore nymphomania in puppet form just do a puppet version of of shock corridor because then the twist could be it was all in this dude's head and there's no puppets or whatever you know that's just my idea for a puppet sex film

reach out we make the movie nymphomania but instead of selling scars guard or maybe you cast she'll in Scarsgarde but he's a puppet. And it's like he's just listening and like he does the thing around. I think it would be fun. I think we should turn Skel and Skars Guard

into a puppet for all movies. Imagine him as a puppet and just everything he's ever been in. It's just in the MZU. He's playing that crazy scientist but it's just a puppet. That would, that would, I wouldn't. Oh, hello, Thor.

Make Thanos a puppet, man. Go, go full tilt. It would look better. They would, yeah, I could see light hit an object. That would be fucking great. be fucking really really helped those movies. I think so too. So the puppet, this Phil Phillips or whatever

his name is. Is that his name? Yeah. Phil Phillips? I think so. Wasn't that also a fucking American Idol, by the way? Philip Philip or something, I think? I would have no idea. Who cares? So he takes the case of this woman and he starts like searching around or whatever.

We're introduced to puppet pleasure land. Oh yeah, baby. Man, and it's just like, it doesn't stop. And that's That's the biggest problem with this is like, it is really just the singular joke for 90 minutes and it doesn't stop. You could end this movie after the porno sequence and just be like, I got it. I really credits that that was a lot of fun. Yeah, exactly.

Count me out. Yeah, exactly. It really wasn't fun, but I get it. Yeah. And so like Phillips mentioned something about like, oh, I got this fucking letter or whatever. And I know that I've seen this. It's like one of those like I have. hostage letters, and it's just like clipouts

for magazines or whatever to make all the letters. You have the latest issue of puppet pussy party? Puppet Pussy party, he says, because he recognizes the Pee. So he goes to this pleasure land, this fucking sex club. We walk in to get this magazine and there is a

fucking octopus puppet squeezing the udders of a cow puppet, and there's a shoot and milk everywhere. Jerking off, jerking off a cow. Is it jerking? No, it's just, it's lactate? Oh, okay, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're right. That is visually different.

This is the insane tab on Pornhub, by the way. Yes, big time, dude. But it's also like, but to Chris's point, though, they play it like it's jerking off. Of course they do. And again, like, is that what I'm supposed to understand about this cow puppet?

Because, again, these things are monsters and goblins. Yeah. I don't know how they ejaculate. I don't know how anything works in there. Why would a regular cow act like a puppet cow or vice versa? But you got fucking. The most disgusting thing I've ever seen, the Tommy Chung vulture.

Yes. With all the fucking craggy shit around the, I'm like, just stop. I'm sorry. Call it off. That was the thing you found most disgusting about this scene. More than the fucking jerking off the cow. That's insane. Much more.

I actually was, I was impressed. That was the most impressive looking puppet of the movie for me. Really? Yeah. That's like, okay, that's pretty good looking puppet. It's a good looking like this guy has to be portraying the puppet version of a scumbag that works at a porno store. That's fair.

and it looks accurate. You know what just came to me is I just realized I do like one sexualized puppet movie. Oh. Labyrinth. Oh,

because Bowie's got a puppet in his pants as well. Yeah. But like those little critters and he's having fun and he's, you know. Yeah,

I mean, that's a great movie. And that's a Hanson movie, right? Yeah. Yeah, he worked on it. The Henson company was involved.

Yeah, and the crystal and dark crystal. Because that's the weird thing with the Henson company is they don't own anything anymore. They exist, but they don't own anything anymore. It's all Disney?

Yeah, they sold everything to Disney. Sesame, I think, is HBO now. I don't think they can make the puppets, but they don't own the rights to any of those Muppets. So, like, it's the Henson company. They have the Dark Crystal that they're coming out with a TV show of that.

Right. But that's it. Like, all the IP is gone. So here's the Happy Time murders. Right. So is that why, like, it wasn't like Rolf in that back room getting jerked off? Oh, that would just, that would kill me. Ralph, Ralph's my favorite. Sesame sued this movie.

Unsuccessfully, I think, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it was all, the tagline was all Sesame No Street. They're like, fuck you, no way. Right, oh, right. And then it was funny. I actually, you're right, now you reminded me, because the company who put this out, STX Entertainment, which they will literally put out any movie, man.

They put out this, they put out that fucking Matthew McConaughey slave action movie a couple years ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. They will do it all. They were responsible for... Hardcore Henry. Hardcore Henry was them. They do gimmick films. I think they put out that fucking peppermint. Oh, right.

I think was maybe them. They had something that was like... They were like, hey, you know, pretty cool that Sesame Street like cared enough about our movie to try to sue us. But we're really happy with all fucking capital letters. All Sesame No Street as the tagline for our movie. See you later, Sesame Street. company. It's no Sesame All Street. Yes, I'm sorry.

That's the opposite. Yes. And it's just strange that that's how you want to move on to the next part of the Muppet King is puppet pussy. Exactly. Also, imagine being Brian Henson being sued by your father's former company. Of course. Insane. And then like Lucas calls him like, yeah, Brian, welcome in the club. You know, you try and go out there.

I tried to wear a Star Wars shirt the other day. Disney slapped me with a fucking libel suit. Barry. It's like a nuts. Barry Levinson's going to make a movie for H. about it in like 10 years. Oh my God, and nobody will fucking care then either.

Do these movies that he makes about like sort of recent events? Please stop it. They'll resuscitate De Niro to play him again. Can't believe it, man. I can't even talk about fucking Star Wars in an open forum. I get slapped with a suit. You know what, Brian, I have to tell you

though, buddy, thanks for taking a risk with a property. You know, us geniuses, these visionaries like me and you, buddy, we try to take the next step with what we've created and get slammed for it. Slammed in the fucking face every time. You know, I made a

puppet penis once and I was called the Sarlac. They wouldn't let me do it in 1983, but I got my way in the 90s. Hey, Brian, before they hang up here, are you got that puppet vagina? Do you still have it? What's there?

FedEx that overnight. Again, a puppet. Definitely. He's fucked one puppet, allegedly, George Lucas. I think George Lucas probably also fucked a puppet. It's three o'clock in the morning. You're drunk. That Yoda puppet is just looking at you on the couch.

It's three o'clock on a Saturday. George Lucas is looking pretty good. It's 3 a.m. I must be honed. And I should puppet. It's 3 a.m. I must be honing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want to fuck that little puppet. Oh, I will.

Oh, I will. Let me just unbuttoned this checkered shirt. Is that doing anything for your puppet? Because your Muppet's so smooth. Look, Stephen, I'm going to have to call you back. The puppets got that look at its eyes. Just like the puppet under the moon. It's the craziest little felt thing that I ever knew.

He just like rolls around naked in the Sarlac Pit. You know that? Oh, I fucked all the job as palace, man. Oh, Lord. I had the whole Rhodes Gallery. How do you think I got the inspiration for Silesia's crumb to jump up like that? I'm telling you that he was not into it. He was fitted.

There's other things going on in here. Phil goes back and he's watching some other porn movie where it's this fat guy. getting tortured by a little dog firehouse Dalmatian puppet he's got a fire head on as well so it's a full theme it's a full theme and it's like you know it's like gagging is involved

fighting his nipples and I'm like cool they thankfully don't show the dog pissing on them but they imply it's going to happen they certainly do you also importantly here runs into this bunny puppet who's like a porn addict

Oh, right. And it's a weird like, oh, I've never been in here before kind of joke. Right. It's Mr. Bumbles, who is a part of the Happy Time gang, which is a television show that Phil's brother starred on. Correct. Yes. That's true. And so he's looking through the back catalogs where to find this pornography. In the meantime, somebody comes in and starts blaring, blowing a shotgun all over the place. Once where I thought I was safe in the movie, but then of course, the shotgun guy comes in and Mr. Bumbley pisses purple all over the floor. This is a good question.

Is this piss or is this come? Because, God, we were talking about this is piss. But no, no, no. I object, sir. This is piss. Mr. Bumbles mentions how erotic this situation is having a gun drawn on him. And then he starts leaking. I just feel like this is sexual leak instead of urine leak

because he's not exactly afraid in that moment I guess he's scared he's a little scared but it's tantalizing and then immediately after all this he shits after it that's not shit dude it's an egg yeah but it's supposed to be shit he's the Easter bunny you think you think the Easter bunny's feeding you shit stop looking at the rule book this is the same thing

the jerking off of the cow they were jerking off that cow those eggs are shit yeah I kind of agree with Chris here I think we're just doing a magical land where everything is sexualized. But it's this weird like purply glittery mess on the floor. It's definitely, which weirdly is the same exact color

as the drugs. So I was like really confused for a long time. I was snorting puppet piss that's what I think it's happening. Can I commission a t-shirt real quick? It'll be something on our tea public store where it's Chris Cabin on a

total yellow tea. It's a black really good drawing of Chris like really photorealistic and the caption is no sir this is piss and he's like indignant like no no no sir no sir no sir and he's got that glittery literally literally purple liquid dripping from his mouth oh god so um this is it's a whole massacre scene and we do

get and the first time it happens I'm oh I got a smirk where puppets get blown away and they turn up stuff and I'm like ah kind of once just once. And the problem is it already happens four times in this scene. You want me to laugh a riot. Don't do this movie. Just do a puppet saving private riot. Show me the beach.

Puppet beach. If there were stakes and it was like really dramatic but it's the funny thing is the puppets, yes, you're right. That's funny. Yeah, but no, it's all comedy and it's all taken very lightly. And like I was very disappointed. Like if we're going to do piss, give me an actual piss pig. That is a great point. You know, you get this fucking pig, and it's just pissing in people's faces, and it's having a fucking ball. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Yeah, it just sprays the room. And then it immediately is like, give me my water. Fill my trough. I need to piss for. Well, you can't, see, here's the problem with that. You can't have two things of this movie spray in the walls, man. That's a fair point.

A fair point. You can't? No. This movie practically does. It would piss on the floor and then roll around in it. Oh, I see. All right, because it's revels in it, dude. That's the difference.

Like a pigwood. Yes, exactly. This place is a stye. So it's over 10 minutes before we're introduced to Melissa McCarthy. She comes on the scene, this murder scene here. It's her. The dude who played Stanley on the office is like the lieutenant. This poor bastard.

How many people passed on this role, by the way? So you got to Stanley? Yeah. Quite a few. Yeah, quite a few. Probably Oscar, at least. Oh, they asked Oscar first. I mean, it's nice to see him and all, but no.

I mean, like, he, I think most of the office people that I've seen, like, of that, like, great supporting cast that they had are not great in other stuff because it was always written to their exact strengths and it was good writing to their exact strength. You take them out of that office. It's interesting because this dude who played Stanley on the office, he's here. And I realized I'd never seen him do anything else. Anything else. Leslie David Baker is his name Has he been in anything else? Probably here and there

But it's weird Because you're right Like they would write to their strengths And like their personalities and whatever I was like oh He doesn't act exactly like Stanley You know because he's doing this other thing This other character or whatever

And I was like oh he's a person It's a classic like black sheep Like from like loaded weapon To last action hero Yeah The quote unquote like that cliche I guess. The cliche cop sergeant who's really mad

right. He's actually very nice but it's not like it's kind of somewhere in the middle. Yeah he's actually a pretty sweet guy also like I'm looking at his IMDB like just some voice acting here and there and not a ton of stuff a couple of 19 episodes of something called puppy dog pals. Are they are they doing anything in that? Probably not.

Sounds like kids program. Well you know what? You know what? Happy time. sounds like a kid's thing too murders hey dude got to learn sometimes so they kind of

you find out that they have a checkered pass between the two of them they're very angry at each other oh her character is Edwards

and these dude Phillips they were partners they're yelling at each other and Melissa McCarthy's great but not in the I mean like the script is so bad it's so like

curse curse curse curse curse curse curse right it's weird because it's not even like it doesn't have that feeling of they just let her go off and do her Melissa McCarthy thing. It sounds like someone tried to write that Melissa McCarthy thing,

which you can't just do that. You know what I mean? Like, if you want to let her vamp or let any comedian vamp, like, that's fine, but don't try to write the vamping. Yeah. And that's why, like, she's funny enough and she did have me laughing, but it's also weird because it feels artificial. Really still did, yeah.

Well, because I still think it's pretty, all the jokes are just so, kidish. They're like teeny, like that's he he he kind of stuff. This whole movie is he and get it. He's like, yeah, blow me and I'm like, I should be slapping my knee kind of a thing. Yes, maybe. She was paid $17

between $10 and $17 million for this movie. That's why she's here. You can't begrudge anyone for... Of course not. No, I don't begrudge anyone here. She probably made like nothing on her Oscar movie and she got it both. She did both this year. Good for her. And they gave her husband a cameo. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, he dropped by the set for lunch

one day, and it was like, here, put this fucking police badge on. You'll be a detective. I have my holster. I'm ready to go. He has, so Phillips goes and has lunch with his brother, whose name is Larry. Yep. And there's a weird gag about, like, this puppet has been bleaching his puppet skin. And, like, this is something we can't talk about in this movie.

You know what I mean? Like, it's just not this movie. Whatever this is, not this movie. But it keeps happening. Yes. Throughout this movie. You could probably make a pretty good, like, puppet behind the candelabra. Sure, yeah, exactly.

Sure. Where there's, like, weird surgery. But it's Michael Douglas and instead of Matt David, it's just a puppet. Yeah. Or, like, what's the, the musical Q Street? Avenue Q. Which, again, is another thing that just did this exact thing, way better fucking 15 to 20 years ago.

I haven't seen Avenue Q. They are, like, screaming curses and having sacks. They're singing and dancing and fucking and swearing through the whole thing. Yeah. And that's just, have you seen it? I have not. My wife has seen it and likes it. It's, you know, it's, it was, but this movie, by the way, was written in 2008.

Really? And then they, it just kind of just bounced around. They spent a decade trying to convince people to fucking do it. And that's why you got Chinese money in this movie. Was it on the blacklist? Oh, I don't know. No, there's no way. It smells of the blacklist.

No, it doesn't. No, there's a very specific. It's high concept. Somebody look this up. No. High concept. No. No, it's not high.

It's the lowest concept imaginable. But it's a big idea. That's the thing. Eric is pointing out the correct thing. Scripts that are on the blacklist are ones that are like, isn't this fucking smart? And I'm sorry, Chris Cabin. Nobody thought the Happy Time Murder script was smart. They might have thought it was clever.

They thought Battle Los Angeles was smart. Yeah, actually, you know what? I might take all that. Oh, wait, here it is, here it is. Here it is. No. No. Was it? I'm on something called...

Was it on the blacklist.org? Freshfiction.tv. TV. Development. Hell. No. Why the happy time murders failed when it should have succeeded. We were waiting nearly a decade to see the blacklist script for the happy time murder. I told you. Oh, no. Hey, man. Told you.

James Spader had that script the entire time. We have to eliminate the blacklist. We have to eliminate it. It's a scourge. Well, I mean, well, you know... I'm so disgusted right now. But that, that whole side... is like, these are scripts

that were rated highly by readers and agents and other staffers in Hollywood that haven't gotten made. So that just shows you the rationale of decision making in terms of those studios. Nobody knows what anything is going to be good. That's why Oscar Isaac is in life itself and annihilation.

He's just like, yeah, sure. Both these are going to be great. Those fucking movies are just like, well, I could sell this. Oh, yeah. So, I'm reading the script. I can sell that. Speaking of money, The idea is we watch this commercial of the Happy Time gang.

It's coming in syndication and there's this bizarre contract where it's $10 million. We find this out later, but we'll say it now, where it's $10 million will be split up amongst the principal cast. However, in the event of someone's death, the money goes to the other person. I would kill all. It's a tauntine. It's kind of a tauntine. I fucking miss this detail entirely. It's either them or their spouse, but nobody else.

not kids or not brothers or whatever. Okay. And then it goes... We definitely need this type of contract. Oh, no, I'm going to kill all you people. You put this contract in there and take it all of it. That's when they visit that weird producer guy. Yes. That guy like who does AT&T commercials mostly.

He was the mad TV guy for a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of the mad TV guys. Oh, what's his... He was... His famous character was like the little boy... Stewart? Yes. What's this? Michael... Michael McDonald is the dude's name. I mean the diner scenes kind of whatever

We just find out what the Happy Time gang is It was just you know And also Elizabeth Banks is the human character Right It was a television show that was like a hit sensation She was dating his brother Yes And then but actually in real life

She was she married Or was she dating Phil She was dating Phil She was dating Phil Because puppet and human sex man He hilarious There's more like Melissa McCarthy And him

I guess at some point his brother dies is the thing uh his brother is in a hot tub watching his own stuff with some lady right and it's like oh why don't you go get us a couple more margaritas baby and she's like okay and like while she's at the wet bar up this person in a hoodie like this mystery person opens a gate and all these dogs run in and like drag this thing all over the place and rip it apart like jango unchained it is fucking bad that's what I'm sorry they point you exactly there

I'm sorry I will not step out of this okay Django Unchained butt puppets yes it's just that that puppet slams the table and breaks the glass

and he cuts his puppet there's your elevator pitch you had my curiosity now you have my interest yeah that would be another blacklisted script then too but yeah I mean like and I think the whole

happy time thing is drop because it's this other noir thing it should be really like watchman almost with puppets you know what I mean like this is who we were this is who we're now kind of a thing because you're trying to do this noir thing and usually with noir it's like

maybe there was a murder yes like or I guess possibly too this is like a slasher movie like everybody's offing the cast and it's a mystery as to who the killer is and blah blah blah also we should mention just the whole notion of like we were on a television show that was really popular they do a flashback to like a set party and like everybody's doing coke and falling in a pool and whatever that's fucking bojack horseman yeah that's like we used to be on a very popular show and this is our lot we all fell out of contact with each other and you can also tell this i mean just talk about where this this came from this disgusting piece of shit um you can also tell family guys all over this. Oh, yeah, totally. That's what the audience is, I can tell. I bet you that

dude that wrote that IMDB reviews still watches a family guy and still thinks it's awesome. Watch you check out his IMDB page and see what other his other reviews are. Maybe he's probably loves Ted. Oh, Ted too, dude. That's a pub. That's a crude puppet. Oh, yeah. I like things that are crude. Man, Ted, no. No. There's something in I think it's that flashback scene, or maybe it's like, I don't know, it's somewhere around here is Melissa McCarthy bites a puppet's cock. They're fighting and I think she bites him and he's like, that's my dick. Right. Because she walks in on this crime scene where his brother

has been torn asunder and she says like, oh, someone had a real pinata party in here or whatever. So he takes offense to the clue joke. And his brother's pieces are still everywhere. Yeah, that's But that was, Melissa McCarthy was out of line. So they fight there and then within that entanglement, she bites his penis. That's, that's right. We're not shown explicitly her biting his penis, but it's over the, it's an over-the-close penis bite. Exactly. Yeah.

We're always a little vague on exactly, like, how weight works with these things. Yeah. Like, like, seriously, like, if he's smoking, he would, like, be lit up one of these days. That's true. That's a good point, the smoking. But we also see him when we're talking. We were talking about, we touched on it briefly before about selling puppet legs as like trophies or good luck charms with these puppet poachers and Phil prior to the events of this film caught up with those dudes and put a stop to it. And you see him fighting them and he's like stomping this dude's dick.

Oh, right. He's got like the weight of a human being. That's a really good point. That's the dude. And in other scenes he doesn't. And like, yeah, like when, but doesn't he like fly when he gets kicked into nuts or is he just like, oh my nuts? I think it kind of goes a little bit There's a little bit of flinging and flanging

And there is a little bit of both You're right This movie has both flinging and flanging But the thing is That's what the squid was doing to the cow Yeah it was definitely some fling flanging But my question The weird thing is

Melissa McCarthy has a puppet liver Yes And we'll get into those circumstances in a bit But you never see any organs On these fucking things Their eyes are made of plastic they don't blink and they're like whenever these things get shot or cut to pieces it's just stuffing in yeah it's just fluff you're right yeah so what is this like the fucking the dinner

scene in hook like is there that i can't see they were i mean there had to be in oz yeah at some point around here all of their uh all of their organs are made of delicious multicolored cake frosting like in hook i think i just don't and everyone seems still like surprised by puppets they've existed the entire like man walked out of the goop and a puppet walked out of the goop and out somewhere else. George Washington. What is the timeline with that? Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, watch out.

We are treading into territory where you're going to get Neil deGrasse Tyson to try to name check this thing and try to figure it out some... Nah, we can't ask him for things anymore. No, yeah, he's disgraced. Oh, yeah, he's a disgraced man. He's hanging out with Kevin Clash.

Speaking of which, on set. We're right in it, by the way. So the whole thing is now they're just, they're going around to all the other cast members trying to figure out what's going on. So they've got to go see this dude Lyle and Lyle is indeed

voiced by disgraced Puppeteer Kevin Clash who does two voices in this movie and I looked at the credits while it was rolling was like puppet captain or whatever

I mean that guy knows puppets that's it I'm just saying Tyson has a lot of free time now they both fuck the puppet Clash and Tyson I would say that too

I think that's true you think he's gonna like now the grass Tyson is he completely gone like because there was there was allegations it's just out we're just in the allegation do like a YouTube video of like let me be science here I'll tell you this much dude

he's not that good of an actor that he'd be able to do at one take I'll say I'll put it this way Eric just cut to the sun for a second I hope he is done but all my hopes die so I think he's coming back yeah of course he's going to come back whatever I mean it's fine I don't I didn't read too much about what happened but i'm just imagining now uh let me be frank done by a puppet kevin spacey that was your move

buddy bring him back he's a puppet he's back now but he's a puppet brian henson will popify your non-apology video brian singer maybe uh so they go to see lyle and it's his whole thing where like he's at some club melissa mccarthy comes in along with philip and it's like oh no humans allowed and he's He's like, oh, no, no, she's got this puppet liver situation, and they're like, you know, whatever do you mean? And he's like, well, now's the perfect time for me to give you the backstory about what happened to her. And it's this whole, like, they were on this case and there was a standoff of some kind. And Phillips was supposed to, like, shoot this dude that had a gun to her head. He missed the bullet ricochayed and killed this other puppet that was like walking down the street with its daughter.

which it's kind of funny watching that puppet dropped to the ground dead we do later get his name it's like Jasper Jacobi sure but so like she was also like shot and injured

on the scene and so like he takes her to a puppet hospital and this puppet doctor is like I can't operate on humans this is a puppet's only hospital and he's like waving this gun in the doctor's face like

you're gonna fucking fix her now it's like De Niro and Piven and he So we're told that she was given a puppet kidney to survive. My question is, is it a actual Muppet liver that can talk and yaking whatever the fuck? Or is it just stuffing? Oh, hey, man. Happy to be inside your body now.

How's it going? If we're specifying that every single Muppet organ has a Muppet personality, I got to see that dick. Honestly, like, what is, you know? Hey, Eric, you asked for this. The sun will come out tomorrow. Oh, God. Attention. Oh, it came out.

And then all these, like, billions of little puppet sprems, which are all sent to it. Oh, no. I mean, look, how deep does it go? And the egg, the puppet egg is like, ma'am, ma'am, come on, I'm going to eat you. There's a chorus of pubes right there. Oh, definitely.

You know, now, dude, you got to stop somewhere, man, because the next thing, you're at, like, the molecular level. Definitely, dude. No way. I don't think this kidney's telling usmosis joke. Oh, that's what I was kind of thinking of, too, but I didn't want to say it because, ew, that movie's gross. Like an amoeba with gougly eyes.

So all this to say that this dude Lyle and his gang of buddies is like, oh, yeah, prove that you're part puppet. You have to snort this drug that if a human's, snorts it, you'll die immediately. Okay. Or isn't it you get diabetes or something? Oh yeah, you'll get, but I think that's what kills you. Like it's like a sudden attack of it.

So she snorts this thing and survives because whatever. They're partying. They're having a lot of fun here, right? Yeah, because like she gets high immediately is the whole thing. So it's like, oh, you're one of us or whatever and they just start yucking it up. They're playing cards. Sure. By the way, topical joke.

There's two of them in here. We're keeping up, as usual. First one, they go into this Muppet den and they all have guns. Is this the NRA? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's funny. Also funny is apparently they drink maple syrup to get drunk. I just, what?

Because we live in a candy world. Then why can a puppet fuck a person if they, like, do what? candy shit. Never the Twain shall be. It should be the same. It should just be cocaine. Exactly. They do they drink beer.

Yeah, exactly. Don't make excuses at this point. Make your puppet do cocaine. If we're fucking and sucking, we're also snorting and blowing, dude. You know what I mean? Exactly. Well, maybe when a Muppet does cocaine,

like all their stuffing shrivels up. Oh, okay. Like just to counterway the death thing. I see. Are there sex organs getting wet or what? Do you think it's just drivels? Rye Town? Oh, no, they have to air dry, I think. Oh, no, I see you're saying, is there lubrication. Exactly. Well, these are questions I never had to hear ask of my life. This is a podcast on the film,

the world of the movie. Go behind. It's like, it's like the end of True Detective. It's like, let's go into the, into the episode. For more information about this episode of True Detective, log on to this website, watch a thing nobody wants to see. It's at the end of the HBO's. I'm thinking of True Detective. You go to Carcosa, you meet the Yellow King, and he's just sweetums from the from the muppets I believe that's lovecraft I was picturing Marjorie the trash here either or same thing that

behind whatever you see of the genitalia in this movie you have to remember is stuffing there's oh yeah exactly to go back to the murder scene so like yeah it can't like I how do you get hard hashtag how do you get hard

that would be the hashtag of the episode let's get that trending world now So there's a big shootout thing here They're fighting Oh no Melissa McCarthy is pissed because this Russian dog We talked about a little bit earlier Is calling her a bitch And like she doesn't like that

And like it's like he's like treating these women wrong And like she like breaks a bottle over his head There is kind of a funny line here Where I forget how it's set up But it's when they're talking to this Russian dog And It's like Melissa McCarthy

uses some sort of like generalization for all of them and they cut to this one like weirdo looking puppet and he just goes you're really nailing my views on women it's kind of in context of funny line sure so she beats up all these puppets she goes outside with lyle and she's like oh who are your friends a car rolls up oh who are your friends and he's like oh those aren't my friends window rolls down drive by shooting lyle's shot in the head so that's another cast member assassinated. Melissa McCarthy's in the bathroom snorting more purple sugar. Oh, that's what it is. Oh, it's Phil. It's Phil. And that's right. Yeah. She's on the toilet. He's like, Philip's like, where were you? And she's like, I was in the can. And it's like the next morning,

this like sexy puppet comes back in. And now there's like some, uh, photographic, uh, blackmail here. And it's this, this puppet with Melissa or, uh, Elizabeth Banks. And it's like a, a sexy scenario. Yeah, again, that's getting somebody somewhere. That's getting fucking Henson somewhere. So this is the sex scene because she comes in his office and at this point, I think someone from the studio is like, I don't care who you get,

I really don't care, there needs to be another human being that someone's seen in anything in this movie like, Joel McHale? And like yeah, he doesn't kind of has to work. And he just a little fucking cloud bursts up out of the floor magically. It was a coin between a coinful between Ken Jiang and Joel

you're totally right heads or tails and there he's like an FBI agent or something I think he's playing his same FBI agent character from the X-files and the informant I believe as well right oh is he in that movie I don't remember a lick of that fucking yeah yeah it's a good movie it's a really movie um so yeah he comes in and it's like we're here to talk to detective Phillips or whatever and Maya Rudolph's snoozing through this movie he's on autopilot and so like Maya Rudolph's like oh he's in a meeting this is where the fucking is happening it's like loud fucking it starts with you see and this is I think the grossest part of the movie and I'm not even talking about the slinging webs the puppet tongue oh yeah the long like snake tongue like licking this dude this puppet dude's face so really everything's on the table oh yeah they can do whatever so but that just feels like cotton hitting cotton that's what that's kind of what there's no saliva how could that so yeah but it's titillating clearly I mean it works for I just don't understand. No, for Phil Phillips.

Oh, sure. But, like, I just don't know if the interspecial would work because of that. They're rough sexing each other. And later in the movie, when you see the bloopers, you see how many of these puppeteers

could not keep a straight face. And I mean, like, this is all, I mean, I think this is what the movie was. Like, I guarantee you at somewhere, like, at fucking midnight after a long day of Sesame Street. So I was like, hey, what have Bert?

dirty fucked and they like did it and then they're like that was the end of the night you know what I mean like whatever exactly but that doesn't have to be a movie no it doesn't at all no listen sesame workshops late night shenanigans should have never been made into a major motion picture yet here we are and I will say this about those outtakes sure there's a couple of puppeteers that are having the fucking time of their lives it is an absolute felt ball that they're having sure but you look closely there are some other puppeteers under that floor that are like, it's a paycheck. Like, I think in particular, the dude whose job it was to spray the silly string. Yeah, he did not look happy. That guy's like, you're in cash in a check, brother. Sling. And then, yeah, other people around them are like, oh, our dreams are coming true. I almost laughed at the first instance of silly string.

The first, like, the first like little something. Less is more, you know what I mean? Like the fact that they douse this place. is just wall to wall. The one kind of funny visual gag, I got a little like, was they cut to my

Rudolph and she's like, oh, he's in a meeting. And the girl puppet is like slammed up against the frosted glass like immediately after that. Like again, less is more. Like that's just the joke. Also her just pulling out like the paper towels and windex or whatever the fuck it is

to clear it up the mess. Yeah. Yeah. Less is more. And the problem is they just go more, more, more, more, more, until, like, I wanted to fucking fast forward. Yeah, it's almost like family guy. There's less is more. And then Joel McHale was like, nothing still gets you paid. They're like, get me Phil Phillips.

I'm really upset about this. I guess he's supposed to be the stuff shirt. He's the FBI. Like, I'm just trying to think of the trope he is in the movie. Right. Yeah, he's supposed to be the stuff shirt, but he's just like taking a nap. Also, why is the FBI involved? because he's actually investigating Phil Phillips.

Well, has Elizabeth Banks been exploded yet? She's about to be exploded. That's when it really starts coming down. So Phil escapes, he realizes the only way he's going to solve his brother's murder is if he's on the run. Right. And then they split up. I think he's going to go talk to Elizabeth Banks and Melissa McCarty, he's going to talk to Goofy or Goofo. Goofer.

Goofer. He's got to find Goofer, another member of the cast. who's kind of like a Grover type it looks like kind of like he's like yeah it's that weird like in between it's not a human Muppet but it's not an animal Muppet it's a thingamajig Muppet yeah exactly dude it's a fucking mop with a hat on exactly there's there's humans there's animals and there's thing Mijigs it's a thing of a Jig I do have to say just really quickly because it is my mission to highlight some of the worst lines of dialogue in this movie Maya Rudolph has to when she holds up that windex

has the line clean up on aisle fill Jesus Lord man Come on what a line What a classic line Put that on the blacklist That seals it That just seals it So

And then Joe McHale just looked at it I was like, I told you you shouldn't try I'm telling you look there's nothing here I don't know why you're trying Like you're funny why are you being funny right now Look they can't recast you There's all that puppet work That's the thing about working with puppets, man.

They'd have to redo all this puppet work. And they're not going to do that. So, Maya, just nap through it all. Maya, no, no, no, Maya, you're trying. Don't try. They're not going to reshoot this puppet shit. Maya, did you raise your voice in that scene? That's crazy.

They're not paying you to raise your voice. I mean, they are, but you're going to have to. So, yeah, so Phil Phillips goes to his puppet strip club where all... Again, isn't it? Wouldn't it be crazy? Could you imagine? If puppets worked in a strip up, could you imagine?

Could you imagine if a puppet worked in a strip club? But not only that, a human's working in this one, too. Yep. It just doesn't listen. The fucking genius of this blacklist script. And it's Elizabeth Banks. And now I don't understand,

you know, I don't, you know, how far they could have fallen from this, the heights of this sitcom that are still being aired on television were shown. Like, why is she,

why is she now an erotic dance? answer that's a great question why wouldn't it be like she's on like a bad reality show or something because the other puppet of phil's brother has a nice little studio house or whatever like you know he's doing great well i guess maybe some of the happy time cast you know they did better at investing yeah they knew listen steve they knew it wasn't going to last forever is anyone on bojack horseman working at a strip club oh yeah there's strip clubs yeah there's definitely like cast members of the show well one of the cast members is like a drug she grows up to like a drug addict i mean i guess there's those implications Yeah, you don't have to be a drug, just to stop. No, obviously not. You don't have to be at your last rope either. Yeah, exactly. More money than I do. I'm surprised that this show is still being broadcast on television,

meaning that she's getting residual checks and she's working at the district club. I mean, if she wants to, great. But it would be great if we had a scene where we could understand why the character is doing that. Well, wouldn't that be fucking great? When you said falls far so far, I thought you were talking about literally Elizabeth Banks, because honestly, like, yeah. I mean, the Power Rangers movie is much better than this. Oh, hugely.

Yeah. Because, I mean, she's really fun. I mean, she's hilarious. And, I mean, like, unfortunately, she gets settled with the worst of the human roles because she has to do strip club stuff. And she has to, like, Elizabeth McCarthy's just like, whatever. I'm a tough cop. She's got to, like, sexualize herself or, like, bite a carrot.

And these rabbits are jerking off about it. Oh, right. I forget about that. The damn thing I've ever seen in my life. The fuck is that? What? Rabbit puppets? Well, like, okay, so they brought the carrot, which is apparently their favorite food. Sure.

The rabbits. Yes. Why are you confused? But it's not like their actual dicks. No, but it looks. It's phallic, though. That's the thing. It's a phallic object that a woman is putting in her mouth.

Yeah, but at a- You draw your map. Honestly, yeah. At a strip club, not only, she's not just dancing, which would be fine enough and just to be like hooting and hollering. and she's also peeling a carrot. She has a peeler. Some strip shows have props, man.

Do you want a map drawn or what? All right, look, you know, here it is. When those bunny rabbits were small puppet bunny rabbits, their mother would peel carrots in front of them in a low-cut blouse. And that just, it sort of, it got subsumed into their subconscious. They now have a fetish about it.

It's really fucking weird. Okay. And they're just lucky that the three of them found each other. They all have the same weird rabbit puppet fetish. I just thought that something like that would be appointment. Yeah, that's true. That's expensive. This is the carrot hour.

All dances for the next hour involve carrot play. You can rent a room. There's places to do it. The private lab dance place, you could do it there. So, yeah, she bites a carrot. It's really funny. Then she talks to she talks to Phil. She's got this really bad

wig on in this scene. And that's what I'm saying. Lissa McCartney doesn't have to wear a wig. Yeah, she's got a really nice hair in this entire movie. Yep. Yeah. You're right. Although it's weird because she's supposed to be like a detective. She's dressed like a fucking substitute teacher through this whole movie. I don't understand what the outfits that they have Melissa McCarthy wearing. I'm like, this isn't a fucking police detective. And, you know, Elizabeth Banks is like, oh, we used to be really good together, Phil. We should get back together. Right. Yeah. And I get someone's laughing somewhere. Some 20 year old kid is remembering the puppet come and still laughing. Well, that's the thing you would have to think about something other than like this. like fake emotional thing well again we're just drawing on a trope of like you know the detective used to date

the femme fatal or whatever but like we're so far beyond this being a film noir detective thing anymore anyway do you think this movie inspired anyone to get into puppetry like they finally like got into it like oh my god

yes I didn't know puppets could do that exactly yeah probably you're gonna read some fucking bio 10 years from now from some puppeteer like oh yeah happy time murders serial killer bio I will say that this

very long Wikipedia article you want to see the real happy time murders yeah totally it's gonna be on some fucking obnoxious 10 part Netflix docu series I do think this this movie to its credit pushed back

the crank yankers redux like 10 years I don't want raunchy puppets ever again that's true yeah exactly so thank you for your service happy time murders that's another my wife mentioned that too it's like crank anchors was here and gone yeah like again we saw all of this already 2008 that's when this was blacklisted the sun sat on adult puppets yes it has dude you're right it is night time in the world of adult puppets right

Elizabeth bank blanks explodes and you're clear that she's still alive like it's like a car explosion Yeah, it's a casino. You know what's weird, too, because I noticed this from, like, the stupid outtakes or whatever, so much... What they're taking too far in the new world of, like, Muppet puppetry shit, and they did this in, like, some of the actual, like, Muppet movies and things. The whole, like, we've got a bunch of weirdos and green screen suits so we can make the puppets look like they're standing on their own. I don't like that. I don't either, but what's weird is what they're doing is they also have... have to put it in front of a green screen and there's a shot in the bloopers of this scene where

she's like getting into this station wagon and all of it had to be green screen for this and it looks fake as shit so when you look at this they're supposed to just be in like the parking lot of this strip club and it's just the fakesest bad background you've ever seen with this bad station wagon sitting there i was just thinking all green screen is thinking sin city that's the way you make sin city three it's let frank miller write his script and the entirely in puppets. Oh, absolutely. Oh, I'll fund that.

But you still have Nick Stahl. It's a bad old days. And it's like fucking Oscar the Grouch. All or nothing days. But you still just have Nick Stahl being that yellow weird thing. Oh, yeah, the yellow bastard. Is he, is he around?

I thought he was missing for a while. Yeah, there was something. They found him. That was like 10 years ago. All right. He was found alive. He's just not working. He was just worried.

Eric was just. just worried about Nick Stahl. Yes, exactly, because I, you know, I think about my favorite actor in Terminator 3. You're just a huge fan of In the Bender. I remember thinking it was pretty decent at the time. It's a good movie. There's just no reason to rewatch that movie ever again.

Unless you yourself want to kill yourself. You never know. You might want to watch Tom Wilkinson dig a hole. You're totally right. It is a spectacle. Melissa McCarthy is interviewing this guy, Goofer, who keeps on the, dude, I mean, audience at home, please pause this. If you have anything, if you, if you're drinking anything, swallow it right now because

you will do a spit take. You're right. Because it, uh, okay, uh, gopher says, I'll suck your dick for 50 cents and it's a puppet. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? I, I couldn't. It's like 55 minutes in and I'm like, give me. There's no suck to that, dude.

That's again, that's a question. Unless you went to a five. human hospital and give you a mouth transplant. Again though, that freaking tongue breaks all of it. Like that, whatever can have, it can all happen. All that can happen. And it's a stupid thing where like in that

flashback ages ago where they're having like the good old day's party, it's like, oh, gopher, man, do you need another drink? And he's like sitting on a couch like, no, I'm fine. And the gag is she finds Goofer in this crack house. He's fucked up on all

the fucking purple coke or whatever it So that is why he is offering to suck Melissa McCarthy's dick for 50 cents. And it's very, very funny. It is so fun. He winds up washed up on the shore. And it's kind of like that's the gay. Addiction and poverty, hilarious. That's also a weird, like, deleted scene, though.

It's like, show me how goofer got thrown off a pier or like whatever the fuck it was. Like, I don't know. I do like the scene where they're like, all right, everybody look away. This is going to get gross. And they just ring them out like a towel. Yeah, that's kind of funny. That's fine. I remember I had a Super Grover.

It was Grover, but it was a plush doll. And I took him in the bathtub with me, and he was just dead from then on. He became waterlogged. So, like, he used to, like, be like, I'm Supergrover. And I was like, like, I was like, just like completely slack. Super Grover was a sensation. He was. Was that stuffed animal you said?

Yeah, yeah. I had, like, one of those little, like, standies with him with his fist up in the air. I still have that, though. You do? I do. Nice. You think it's worth anything? I had the VHS tape of the Super Grover, like the compilation of all the Supergrover.

Oh, nice. An early Supercutt. This is like actually released, man. Like, not taped off a telly or anything like that. Wow. Like you got it at Burger King? Probably. The King bestowed it upon me.

Was it an orange tape? No, it was just a standard black tape, but it was in a yellow sleeve. Oh. Not a clamshell. Couldn't spring for the clamshell. Nice. I guess the last act of this movie is Phil gets arrested for some reason. Because they think he killed Elizabeth Banks.

Oh, that's right. Now he's being pinned for every single murder because he happens to be at like the scene of the crime right around the murder. And they show Joel McHale interviewing the small, the female public client. And this is when you get the basic instinct puppet vagina parody thing. So we see her vagina and it's purple hair everywhere. And I think Brian Hansen has been wanting to tell this joke since 1992 or whenever it was that basic instinct came out. That's what he told this one. No, that's the puppet vagina.

I'm going to use it for a joke. Honey, honey, honey, don't worry about this puppet vagina in the workshop. I'm going to use it for a joke. It's going to be hilarious. Well, I'd just see if it would work. That's what it was. He got caught one day and he was like, no, no, I'm making a raunchy puppet movie. I am working.

I'm working. There's a reason it has purple pubic hair and red hair on its head. Look, originally, I was expecting it to sing Fleetwood Mac, okay? Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, I'll have a script next week. I'm writing a script right now. I'm not fucking puppets in my workshop. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Honey, I'm a method writer.

How am I going to write the puppet fucking zine if I don't know what it's like to fuck a puppet? Now, can I please get back to work before I lose my... direction. He has to act out every scene in the movie. That's amazing. I don't see why you have to take them out of here. What a house of horrors that has to be, man. His home. Oh, yeah, totally. All these dead things looking at you. With all the alleged puppet fucking. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. I know, but who knows? They break it. Melissa McCarthy and My Rudolph team up. And, like, you have a couple scenes of My Rudolph and Melissa McCarthy.

They're like, hey, a movie. Hey, I saw bridesmaids. And they're like going around and they break into her house to find out the lady puppet's house to find out what's going on. And they find like all the stuff, the clues. All the clues and everything. She was. Oh, actually, what is the thing? Because I can't place.

Are they also cast members, this whole kissing cousins thing? Oh, right. I forgot about that. And they have like. Right, there's like that. There's like a hills have eyes. Yes. A couple of Muppets.

puppets that have like one eye and three eyes. Yeah, they go to like some motel because they've had children that are like deformed with like puppet insects. It's called like Adam's Rib. It's like a barbecue place that's religious and this is where we find other victims. Were they in the happy time games? Yes, they're kissing on set and they're like

oh they're kissing cousins and they get married and they have freak children I guess. Oh right. Because cousins are right. That's the joke that's the joke. And like all Muppets they've viciously And I mean, and like the cute, these puppet things have like three eyes and they're screaming. It's really weird. It is weird. It's very unsettling.

At least that's an emotion. That's something. And then they're all murdered too. Right. They just happen upon the murder scene. We don't see it happen. Yeah, they're both. Oh, right.

Oh, they go in the bedroom and they're dead. That's right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the kids are running around unaware that their parents have been murdered. That's right. Is that fun? yes Eric it is

you're laughing yet the house full of all the clues burns down but now we know for sure it's this woman what they find out is the woman is actually the little girl from the beginning grown up right so the girl who

Phillips the bullet ricocheted and killed the man the man was her father the clue put together by the way is that her pubic hair is the same color as the girl in the flashback, it's like purple or whatever. Like the piss

and the cocaine. Yeah, it's all that same weird purple color. I don't know what we're trying to say here. There's some lines but this is when we get the really, I mean, I'm sorry, when we go back to it, so the first thing is just a quick little like a quick little basic instinct gag like she uncrosses her legs. Right. You see it, it was like, whoa, puppet vagina.

Wayne Knight is sweating in the background. And that's almost a joke. But then like, again, because somebody directed this movie where like it's like oh my god Brian Hansen Brian Hansen directed this movie The purple puppet puppet pubic hair And this is what we get

Purple puppet pubic hair Purple puppet pubic hair We get like Four minutes of a still shot Of this fucking puppet vagina Do you think like Suck it in baby Do you think

Do you guys think that like Talent skips a generation Oh yes It might be Eric It just might be Isn't it though there's some line around here I think it's got to be around here somewhere

I haven't my notes somebody says to someone somebody says to a puppet you had Bush sticking out at the company picnic that's a line around here with the pubic hair that's when she's leaving Melissa McCarthy is leaving her office

and it's like some Ellie Kemper like background actress oh oh yeah you're right oh yes because she gets thrown off the force or something Yeah. And she's, that's right, she's telling off everybody in the office. That's right. That's what it is. And she says to somebody like, that's not your real hair. And the woman goes, yes, it is. And she goes, no, it's not. You had Bush sticking out of the company picnic. That's all right. So somebody doesn't say it to a puppet. And then she gets a, she sees her husband, her real life husband, Ben, whatever. Falco or Falcon or something. She's like, oh, you know, if we worked any longer together, I would have fucked you. And he's like, there's still time. And it's like, I know you guys are husband and wife. How many times are we going to do that fucking gang? yeah um so the whole like secret is out like phil is innocent or whatever

they find out somehow that they're gonna like escape at the airport yes they get there the little puppet woman has a bunch of suitcases and oh my god elizabeth banks is alive they're still lovers for no reason i mean elizabeth banks gets hits with a suitcase and she's out of the movie dude i had to rewind it because first of all i will admit that i got to the airport scene and then the next thing I knew I was tilting my head back up forward and the credits were on. Oh, well, you fell asleep toward the fucking happy time murders?

How? So I had to rewind it and then I rewatched like the last 20 minutes or whatever and then I was like, no, wait a minute. I must have fallen asleep farther back because what happened to Elizabeth Banks? But yeah, she gets hit in the head with a suitcase, falls over and that's the end of that character. What a

disgrace. It's just okay. All right. She was great in the Hunger Games. Good Night movie directed, you know, one of those pitch-perfect movies. I think the third one. Really fun in the Lego movie. She's a really funny actor. She's very funny.

Yeah. Totally slumming it here. And she's usually like the best, like she's, I, like, Power Rangers, like that role, that could have been boring in anybody else's hands. For sure. She actually committed. Yeah. And this is just else.

She would commit, but there's nothing here. So she winds up knocked out. And then there's like a bunch of like, will they won't there, fighting around. There's all these henchmen that are trying to shove fill in kind of a jet into a jet engine. Right. He's like strapped to the in front of the engine or whatever

and he's going to get sucked in and like Melissa McCarthy's got to save him. Yeah, where did these henchmen come from? Why wouldn't they help and kill people? That's a great question. Totally. And also it's just $10 million. You get this private jet these henchmen. Well, there. It's gone. It's going through the fortune. You spent all this time making

this plan. I mean, maybe a getaway bus. Why do you need to fly somewhere or fly commercial dude you know first class is a fucking scam yeah uh the uh they're like they're about to shove fill in the jet engine and it's hilarious because the puppet again weighs two pounds right but they're

pretending like they have to like one two like don't even want to do they just throw it just have one guy one of these stuntmen pick it up with one hand and throw it. It'd be funnier if they treated it like a rag when it was unconscious you're totally right actually it would be if they acknowledged more than it just

weighed four pounds or whatever It was also just this movie's bad luck that Game Night came out the same year and it has a much better fucking engine gag. What is the gag? Rachel Adams when he goes through the... Oh, yeah, you're totally right.

Man, that movie is surprisingly great. I don't go in, I don't think any of us really go in for big box comedies. That movie was a real surprise. Pretty strong. I remember liking it. I can't tell you more than that. I saw it. And so Melissa McCarthy saves him.

then again whoops wouldn't you know there's the exact same scene from the beginning wherein Melissa McCarthy's got a gun to her head and there's a puppet doing it there's also all this shit this is what I was thinking about before is like there's this thing about like

why the Phillips law exists is because nobody believed that Phillips missed on purpose that a puppet wouldn't shoot a puppet it's a fucking orc wouldn't shoot an orc from Bright yeah right but also he winds up killing the puppet anyway so that law doesn't even make it

sense. If he killed a person, like if it was a father, an actual human being. Also, this murderer is a puppet that killed plenty of puppets. So puppets can shoot puppets. Period. Underlined. Yeah. Underscore. Highlighted. So he gets

the shot off this time. Hyper-linked. She gets shot in her little puppet head. I was kind of expecting because there was so much business with a jet engine, I thought that's where she was going. And I was like, yeah, come on. You rented that jet engine. Just do have Melissa McCarthy be like oh you know what it's just a puppet pick it up off of her shoulder and huck it exactly it would be funny it would then Phil would be like oh well I was

about to take the shot yeah sure you were no I really was no no just a bunch of fluff comes out the other side it's a funny looking thing yes it's a funny looking he picks up her pubes as a keeps saying yeah because now he's a serial and then they start singing I don't want I want to know the reason why I love greed. Instead, we get, I want candy. There is, I will say, because Joe McKell does come back at the end, the joke that he has, the joke they have with him. Oh, my God. I mean, like, it's, it's embarrassing to watch.

It's embarrassing to perform. It's embarrassing to say right now. It's, uh, take it away, Steve. Melissa McCarthy keeps doing assail, says what? And he goes, what? And it's just like, that's the joke. That's, wow. Wait, I thought this was for adults.

Yeah. But we're doing a child mother joke. There's another, I thought, I mean, that is the one that I thought you were going to do. But there's another one you could throw in there that it's like at least two or three years too late with this joke is when Joe McHale pulls up on the runway. Yeah. He's in the car and he's blaring, call me maybe. like first of all that's a good pop song it's a great song it's not there's nothing fucking funny about that carlie jepson's great there's yeah there's a uh a rick astley musical cue that's really funny

right and there's also they're also like driving around listening to stuck in the middle with you i'm like you can't do that guys guys you just can't do that i don't know if it counts but i had to bring it up in our trumpisms oh oh oh right all the movies from 2018 there is a lock her up chant Is there? I think it's in the office. Yeah. There's like something. Somebody's like saying it over and over again.

So that's it. So we're four for then. I should know life itself didn't really have it. No. But it made me think of death. Like wish for death. Much like I do when I watch Trump. Right.

Actually. That's true. So that's kind of a connection. We end with like Phil asks out Maya Rudolph. Yeah. Is the whole thing. They're like going to go get dinner right away. I was like, dude, you just had this crazy adventure, man.

Why don't you wait for the weekend? Take a couple days to just unwind, maybe get a shower in. No, we need to at least allude to puppet on human sex. Right, absolutely. One last time. And then, yeah, so all the fucking outtakes are done to I want candy. Because, again, I guess the whole thing is these puppets have a sweet tooth and they're snorting the magic sugar shit or whatever. Yeah.

Just like take one thing and develop. develop it fully in your screenplay. So I guess then marijuana would have to be like cocoa leaves? Yeah, I guess. I guess. I don't know, man. It's all stupid.

But yeah, just let your puppets do cocaine. Yeah, that'd be funnier. It'd be close to humor. You know who was doing that? Crank anchors. Crank anchor puppets were just drinking alcohol and smoking. You know what? Scarface was kind of a Muppet.

Al Pacino's performance in it. It was a little Muppet. Oh, son-al-da-da-da. Eat some fucking. fucking Muppet, dude. I think Muppets are doing cocaine and Feebles and Al Pacino's great and meet the Feebles.

I hear Al Pacino's great and meet the Feebles. How'd you get that scar, tough guy, teaching a kid at a count? Oh. One cocaine. You know what's horrible I just realized, too? So this is a Jim Henson's

dead, and he's never coming back? Yeah, that does suck. I think about that he was often. I'll tell you what, man. When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth. You want to cry, by the way. On YouTube, they have Big Bird singing at Jim Henson's funeral. I remember that from being a kid.

Yeah. Look, the flying fuck out, dude, not a dry eye in the house. Also, no, what's fucking horrible is so this is the most recent thing, the most recent feature film that Brian Henson has directed. Do you know what his directorial debut? you was? No. Muppet Christmas Carol. Wow. My! How fucking far

the fall is, man. Oh, Jesus. Oh, hey, Brian, yep, yep, yep, no, no, no, no, I'm busy. No, I'm very, very busy. I don't know what, what am I supposed to do? Snorting sugar, you say? I will not fuck Tiny Tim. It's not even a Michael King. A mouth a mouthful of

silly string. Not happening, Brian. Quick question, this is back on the set of Mother Christmas ago. Does that rat have a vagina? Brian, Brian, Brian, I might walk up. Does that rat have a puppet vagina? He's just walking into Brian Henson's trailer. He's just walking into Brian, I have a question and a script. What in the world are you doing that rat puppet?

But Michael, you got to do my cocaine movie. I mean, your name is my cocaine. My cocaine. Man, I hated this. Zooming, nobody's recommending this movie. No, I will not. But actually, you just give me a great idea. What I want is for my funeral, which is six years,

is for Big Bird to sing at it. I just want no context. Just like everybody's like very upset, presumably. Right. Some people are excited. And then at nowhere, Big Bird emerges. You don't even know who's going to be there. Right.

There's one guy clapping and whistling in the back. It's only teased in the program as Requiem from. special guest. But no, I, yeah, this is like, rancid. It's really short, though. It's like 70 some odd minutes. So if you're running like a bad movie podcast, it's not the worst movie to watch all week.

Actually, I mean, especially coming off of life itself, which was like two hours, this was kind of refreshing. It's nice. Well, no, it's horrible. But I think there is the seed of a good idea here. What? Like, if you were to play it straight, you can't do the edge lord shit. If you make it more like a Roger Rabbit situation, maybe,

and not are talking about piss and come all the time. Maybe it works, but I don't think any of it's going to be good. Yeah, it's a no for me. I was just stuck on thinking about how much worse Roger Rabbit would be if you had to fucking watch a scene where Eddie Valiant is watching something spray all over a wall. We're almost there in that movie, I will say. I will take Roger Rabbit down a peg because the Jessica Rabbit stuff.

It's just like, are we jerking off yet? Yeah, yeah. It's there. It's at least somewhere in that realm where it's not so over the top, whatever it's your vagina. No, I mean, it's like, it's a sexy cartoon, Tex Avery type thing.

The sexiest cartoon. I mean, yes. We're glad to believe. She is the sexiest cartoon. I mean, prove me wrong. It is dynamite on the screen. That is the Happy Time murder is directed somehow by Brian Henson. If you want more We Hate Movies, head on over to patreon.com slash we hate movies.

All sorts of bonus stuff going on over there. I want to mention, if you like that George Lucas riff we had earlier, check out the Gleap Glossary. It's a new thing we're doing. Brand new show. Brand new show on that $8 tier where you also get commentary tracks, the Nexus, the premium episodes, every single thing we've ever done, basically, the archive. and that is a show where I'm reading entries of

Star Wars tertiary character biographies. The first one is up now on Figrand Dan of the Modes who was the canteena band leader and I think you'd enjoy it, specifically you. And also you'd enjoy, we did an episode in Jurassic World 2.

Yes. Falling Kingdom. Or failing King, Doe. That was a classic joke from that episode. Exactly. Just a taste. for you at home

so the program rolls on we have we will be going into February but because we had the emergency episode for our 400th episode talking about the love guru we will continue the worst of 2018 month

into February Steve Sadek what is rounding out the worst of 2018 I'm not looking at the title so I can't really say it right but I know it's that second fantastic beast movie

the crimes of Grindleblung Grindlewalled. Grindlewalled. Okay. Interesting. I've only seen Harry Potter one, so I'm excited to be completely lost. You're not going to be that lost, man. It just takes place in the same world. There's like a couple of overlapping characters, but it's pretty easy to get lost. But not because you haven't seen the movies. I got lost in my own museum once. Have a museum? Yes. Before we leave it, as I want to quickly mention,

Mailbag episodes. Check them out on YouTube. Our YouTube channel is going strong. Check out those previous mailbags we've put on YouTube. You can see our beautiful faces lighting up. And the January mailbag is up already, right? January mailbag is up. So until next week with the Crimes of Grindelwald. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zadak. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.