We Hate Movies - S9 Ep403: Episode 403 - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Episode Date: February 5, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang brings their (Some of) The Worst of 2018 series to a close with a chat about the almost totally incomprehensible Wizarding sequel, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald! In a world where shape-shifting is as easy as sneezing, why couldn't they just re-cast Johnny Depp? How on earth was that ghost dragon fight the climax of the film? And what exactly is an illuminated pervert? PLUS: The guys mix-up about six different movies about three-ways! Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald stars Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Zoë Kravitz, Callum Turner, Ezra Miller, Jude Law, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Claudia Kim, Carmen Ejogo, and Johnny Depp; directed by David Yates. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, where can you find Fantastic Beast? We'll bend over and we'll show you. It's Fantastic Beast, Crimes of Grindewald. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven C. Daclemicham Black and Vlurkeran. Chris Cabander. And I'm Eric Siska. There's one of those that worked.

And it wasn't even the last one. I don't even know what were those things? Oh, no, just all the names are whatever. Charimander? Steve named a fucking Pokemon. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, this is a show where we make fun of movies, bad, worse, and other. This week we're continuing and closing out. Yes. Some of the worst of 2018 month a week behind schedule with Fantastic Beasts, Colin the Crimes of Grindelwald, directed by Peter Yates. David Yates.

I think it was David. Peter Yates is the guy who did Friends of Eddie Coil. That's totally right. And I wrote that in my own. Back from the grave. A fucking way better movie than this. Right.

David Yates. And I'll tell you about David Yates. Sure. First of all, see the Friends of Eddie Coil. It's a fucking great movie. Some really disgusting scumbagued Peter Boyle. Oh yeah.

In that movie. That meant that fucking Bruins game. It just gave me high. He also directed a really good movie called Robbery. That's it. But the thing about David, I will say. Say what you want about any of these movies. This motherfuckers

directed most of them. Harry Potter in these Fantastic Base movies. He's got it figured out. He's got to figure out golden toilet and all. Oh yeah. Yes. I mean, it's just, it's like everyone else is like, well, I don't want to be known as the Harry Potter guy. He's like, why the fuck not?

Yeah, I'll take it. I'll be your Harry Potter guy. I'll be honest. This is the first one of all the one, all the things he's done that I've actually hated. Yeah, I'm with you. Like all the other ones. I've been like, that was a good job. So he's done other Harry Potter movies?

He did the, didn't he do the first Fantastic Beasts? And then he did like the last three or four. Last three or four, I think. Or three or four Harry Potter. Just for full disclosure, I've only seen Harry Potter one in the theater. So I haven't seen it. And you despised it. Yeah, I saw it in the theater and I was like, what was that circumstance at a care of?

Why I saw it in the theater? I think it was literally out of curiosity. Yes. And there was a certain, certain, uh, youth. full vigor, not in me, but in people I knew that they wanted to go. So I went with. And then I saw a wizard next to a car and I said, fuck this. And I just never watched it. And now for the show, I did a poll on Twitter. I was like, should I catch up with everything? Because I've been meaning to because it's a big

blind spot now. And the cultural zeitgeist. I don't know what anyone's talking about. Yeah, you're a fucking loser. Exactly. Which is crazy because when I saw it in 2001, I was like, this is loser stuff. now I'm the loser You were the guy who was like Oh this will never work Oh boy What a joke

Yeah see you at the funny pages Did you buy a bunch of Percy Jackson And the Olympian stock That's where he put all his money That's where because he was like I missed out on Harry Potter I won't get fooled again Dude you were like Sean Connery missing out of the Matrix

And doing League of Extraordinary Gentlemen If they offered me a part In Percy Jackson, Lightning Warrior I would have done it But no, so I just don't know what's going on in this films because I've only seen Harry Potter won. How many years ago? I don't know. So many.

I mean, that's like 2001. Yeah. So that's 18 years ago. Uh-huh. And now I saw this today. That's, I have no idea what's going on. There's a bunch of weird words. I will.

I will say I've seen all of the movies. I haven't read any of the books, but I've seen all the movies. Twitter told me. not to see the movies. Just so we're clear. Some of Twitter. Some of Twitter. Yeah, it wasn't a unanimous decision.

No, no, but it was pretty high. Twitter told me. It was like 60% of the pop. Yeah, there was actually, I looked at this poll. See? Watching it was the observer. Yeah, I need silver at this fall. And it looked genuine.

I'm with Chris. I've only seen all of the movies. I've seen them multiple times. I really like the Harry Potter movies after once Alfonso. The third one on. After the third one? No, the third one, including the third one. The third one being probably the best.

I've seen all the movies. I've read all the books. I've seen the movies multiple times. I've just did the book series once. Including seeing the first Fantastic Beasts. And yeah, this was a letdown for me. As a fan of this franchise and a fan of that first Fantastic Beasts, like this movie. And it's not, I don't think, it's that much of the fault of Mr. Yates.

Sure. Because, listen, J.K. Rowling should not be writing these screenplays. We were kind of talking about this. She should not be writing these screenplays because there's so much in here that when you're watching all the information that they're giving you, you realize, like, this is written like a book with a bunch of flashbacks. Yes. And like you can just at a, like a page's turn, you can go to a different time really quickly, get a thought in or whatever, and then bounce back to what you're doing. this tries to do that with a movie and it's so confusing

it's really dense and not she doesn't write movies like the best way all those movies were she wrote these enormous books and then they got a team of writers in there to cut it down into a two and a half hour movie but they cut it down into a movie and then a very stylish director

polished it up and made a nice little kind of season of a TV show that actually feels like a movie you know what I mean and this is just like everybody's everywhere. I didn't see that fantastic piece movie. Also because I was like when the Harry Potter thing it's done there's a nice hat on it. We just put a

bell on it. Voldemort's fucking dead. Sorry Eric. Voldemort dies. What? I don't even know who. I mean he's the guy with no nose played by Ray Fines. End of my knowledge. In this movie he's just being born. He's like a one year old. I want to see that fucking birth scene. Yes.

Well, Tom Riddle wasn't born evil dude. Well no, but I just want to see you. I want to see it happen. I want to see the doctor spanking his ass. Want to see Tom Riddle born in the room? Yeah, I'm screaming into the, into life. But why Tom Riddle? Why not just literally any baby? You just want to watch fucking Prego porn.

No, I do that. I want to see that now where again. Hold on a second. Birthing porn. That's the whole part of me. Yeah, you're right. That's the extreme button, by the way, I'm porn hub. No, the insane button.

Oh, excuse me. What was, wait, what was that? Is that just like watching somebody be birth while playing Barry White? It's the miracle of life video, like, but sexy. No, that video could have used a killer soundtrack. That's a great point, Steve. You know, you see something come out. You don't see something go in.

No, that's exactly. That's the difference. I'm never going to give you up, my whole. No. No, going to stop. I just think it's an important moment. Let's see it. Anyway, the Fantastic Beasts movies are, this is the second one.

The Grindelwald is involved. Grindelwald played unceremoniously, but very divisively. by Mr. Johnny Depp. Yeah, because... He kind of gets out of movie jail in the beginning of this movie. Like, oh, from the front of out. The movie starts with him

literally being broken out of movie jail. It's such a tease, too, in the beginning because what's the first thing you hear about him? Oh, we cut out his tongue. Yeah. Dude, my ears pricked up with that. I was like, could it be? Well, also, what...

So did he grow it back? Or what happened? A magic and boboomboom. I think the Abernathy guy. Oh, the other guy, he had his cut out. Oh, dude, that's a scene I'll watch. Yeah, that I think that dude, like, he fucking switched things with, oh, so he can't talk, I guess I did. That dude Abernav, yeah, if you notice for the rest of his time in the film.

Who is very good in Terrence Davies' sunset song if everybody gets to see it. Wow, look at you dropping Terrence Davies' refs. The same characters in that? Yes, exact same character. The Harry Potterverse. I'm sorry, the wizarding world. Wait, is that what it's called? Wizarding World.

Yeah, no thank you. Listen, it's just as fucking stupid as Star Wars Extended Universe or any of those things. Don't even start griping about the name of the universe. I will gripe about the name of the universe because they never, it's just called

Star Wars, like, fans say Star Wars the Extended the Universe, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or even in those like solo movies, it'll have the title card, Star Wars, but this just says, Wizarding World. Because you can't call it Harry Potter. I know.

Harry Potter. and the nothing to do with this movie, you can't, that's not how you do it. Harry Potter presents. Fantastic. I'll be honest with you, all my problems of this movie, the thing was,

Wizarding World, it's pretty low on that list. I know. I know. It's on the bottom of all, all the bodies on top of that one. Now, Steve, you said that Grindalwald is in this one.

Sure. Technically Grindalwald is in the last movie. Oh, really? He's in disguise as Colin Farrell through most of the film. Yeah. And then at the very end, He transforms, and I remember going,

oh shit, is that Johnny Depp? Credits. Yeah. Well, so Johnny Depp was in the last movie? For like two seconds. Right, like the end of... Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find him. I was going to say,

Darkman. Oh, Dark. Where Liam Neeson turns into Bruce Campbell for half a second. Oh, really? Yeah. When does Arnold Vuselue get involved? Is Darkman 2? Yeah, he's Darkman in the sequels, right?

Yes, yes. But it does. It plays off that he's changed his appearance. It kind of hinted that in the next movie would be, I guess, Bruce Campbell or something. Oh, I see. But we didn't get there. No.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, we didn't get them. Fuck. What was Bruce Campbell doing? I think it was where the fucking financiers were like, you know what? We've had enough Dark Man. Dark Man didn't really bring down the house.

Come on. Darkman was great. It was great. I love the movie. It was good enough to get two sequels. And I think that fucking villain, Larry Drake is still all over. I think dark giggles.

Darkman's coming back. Dark man's coming back. Just putting it out there. Wow. The Wizarding World of Darkman. So Grindlewald is Johnny Depp. He's, yeah, there's a fun breakout scene. This scene, it's well done.

It's a well done kind of fun. David Yates, I think, is a good director. Right, this carriage thing? Yeah, this whole breakout scene, I think, is good. Yeah, it's all right. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun.

It's a real, like, there's a lot of, like, going back and forth. I thought that Grindlewold, which I thought would have been smart, would have faking his dad. death here. Come on, Grendelwald. That's actually true. Then you retire to Costa Rica, you know what I mean? You've got like two baskets full of de blooms. Or you can at least, you know, carry out your sinister plan with everyone thinking you're dead. Yes, that's the move. Yeah, exactly. Like you, you get your follower, there's a bomb under the thing or, you know, an exploding fucking alligator or whatever

the fuck these people do. You cast Johnny Depp. He's going to vamp. You know he's going to vamp. You know, not a lot of Johnny Depp in this movie. And I'm not sure. if that's part of like people being like I don't know if you want to see Johnny Depp or like we're saving it for the sequel kind of a thing. I think it's kind of just like we're sort of carrying it the way we carried fucking

Ray Fines and that whole thing except like his name is in this movie yeah you know but yeah I think that's maybe sort of part of it I don't think it was like oh edit it down yeah people don't like him there was the last poster of the movie is

which is hilarious which is everyone facing off against Johnny Depp, but Johnny Depp, you see the back of his head. So it's like, yeah. We don't want to put that dude in a poster. So it's like, yeah, he's there, but he's not there there. That's some good to photoshopping. He goes to sleep with standies of that right around him like that.

That's my laugh right there. So whatever. He breaks out and now he's loose. He gets a haircut itself, but he kind of looks like a guy Fieri with a tapeworm a little bit. Like a skinny guy Fieri? I'm going to take you to Flavor Town. We're rolling out to Wizarding Worlds, Diner's, and Drives.

They got a wand here that could turn a mean, chilly, even spicier. Next up on the road trip, it's the American Ministry of Magic. Look out, Big Apple. We got ourselves some actual dragon sauce. No, really a dragon is sauce in our food. I jerked them off. Yeah, yeah. Hey, look out.

Hogwarts cafeteria. selling head cheese this week. Yeah. Oh, it's spicy. Now I'm just eating Hagrid. Rock and roll, cannibalism. Holy shit, that head cheese is talking to me. I don't know if it's cannibalism if you eat Hagrid. I don't know what that dude is like a giant or something. That's the guy of the beard. Yeah, Robbie Coltrane.

Yes, okay. That's the only, that's the only movie where Robbie Coltrane is shown in full that's how he's actually that big. Really? Yeah, they shrink him down in other stuff. Yeah, they shrunk him down for Golden ideas. So him and Pierce Prostin could sit at that table together. and for nuns on the run as well Give me the reverse Gandalf Please So yeah we meet back up with our hero

Eddie Redmayne who I don't like I just have never I've never been into this dude I liked him a little bit in the Le Miz movie But doesn't his hair look cute He's kind of like rough I think it's a cool haircut I can't pull that haircut

Neither can I but I can still think it's cool I think it takes a bit to quaff in the morning Of course it does You've got to put work in Europe. What else are you doing in the 1920s, I guess? Unless you're playing keyboards in the arcade fire. I don't know what you're doing that. Can I err?

So he's the Newt Scamander. Okay. Now, what kind of beast is this? It's a person. Can he turn into a newt? No. He should. So his name is Newton Scamander?

Yes. What the hell is a Scamander? Everyone's got silly. What the hell is a Ciscan? The family of the Scamanders. I was going to say, I was going to. to say, at least Siska doesn't sound like a lizard, but then I realized it does.

Oh, definitely it does. Oh, look at the majestic desert, Siska, crawling along Death Valley. All it does is belch all the time. Either that or you do is eat. Oh, look at the majestic Siska lizard, sleeping on a rock. It's been there for days.

He's safe for now. Oh, he just shit all over that, didn't he? Also, you could do the cobra. you could do that yeah that's actually my preferred pronunciation but so he is he's also a wizard

uh he's a dude that was expelled from Hogwarts oh shit yeah really selling drugs lunged out no there was like this fucking huge I think they touch on it in this movie there was like a huge scandal with uh this lady friend that he liked

who will get to in a minute and he took the rap for her and got kicked out kind of he also sold the gerbil to Richard gear there is definitely some of that whatever this is weird stuff man whatever nudes commander he's kind of like a paranormal

ace vura a little bit when we get to his apartment that's a great way to put it I could use a vicious blowjob though that guy yeah that this dude nudes commander needs to get fucking laid something fierce

but I definitely think he's gone like skinny dipping with that seaweed dragon thing sure I don't think he's fucking anything necessary. Just like to be free amongst the animals. Well, that's what I'm saying. He needs to get laid by a human being. Catherine Morrison's not there yet, man. She can't do it. Give him a few years. He'll be like James

McAvey and like trying to fuck whales and stuff. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Poopped on a woman. He did poop on it. So he is like, by the way, speaking of current events, there's a travel ban on Newt's commander. There absolutely is. Also, not for nothing. If you listen to like how it's being said the rallies that he's holding, it is a blonde coiff. Grindovald is

made out to be Donald Trump in this movie. It's a travel band just on wizarding worlds. The nations with intent to wizard. Listen, we saw wands at the border. I didn't just see that in the movie, Sicario, okay.

Don't we love obscures folks? Don't we love obscure us? Don't we want them to be part of our great family we love obscure us I found a flying carpet right at the border listen

all of those wizards are just black cloaked monsters okay my god I'm glad he finished that sentence so he's because of what happens in the first movie I did read Wikipedia because what happens in the first movie

he is not allowed to travel ever again He's got a travel ban just on him. Yeah. In the first movie, but was there like a monster outbreak? Yeah. So then he got a travel band? Yeah, there's a big to-do and the city of New York is kind of sort of decimated a little bit.

It was like a big dragon and then a big monkey thing. Oh, that's fun. Nice. That's what I remember. I think the animals look like shit in this movie. I'll be honest. Some of them do and some of them don't. His little platypus friend I could watch.

Oh, he's adorable. I want his little mini movie. I hope that's a DVD extra. Well, that's why, because he was clearly the star, the first one. He was all over. Oh, yeah, you got to read the whatever that one. And the little weed guy, like, he's cool. Oh, dude.

Oh, this is my friend. He's just here to chill me out a little bit. He hangs out in me pocket. Yes, just dump a little bit of that on me gums. Oh, yeah. Newt scumong. But then there's like the big thing that looks like animal from the Muppets mixed with like a dragon,

and make you get a cat. That thing kind of stinks. What is that now? These are from, okay, so there's wizards. Sure. Magic. Where are these things from? All over, man.

Just like around. The big one that he like you like taunts like a cat with that little thing. Yeah. That's from China. Yeah. But I think the idea is like what you're missing from the Harry Potter movies. If you kind of remember a little bit from that first one, you go behind inside that little whatever that, you know, that little portal way. and now there's a whole magical world.

Yeah, they use, like, spells to keep their world hidden from people. These are just, like, endangered species. So he's just, man, here's a do-to. Oh, carry a pigeon. Yeah, he's pretty much like an environmentalist of the wizarding world. But then he keeps it all to himself. But that's, yeah, that's what I wonder is, do you think he would, like, not take, like, just the normal, like, endangered species of the planet?

He'd take it a panda. You think so? Sure. Okay. He might not know what to do with it. He's not really trained. I haven't found the magic yet, so I'm going to keep kicking this panda. Oh, there it is.

Now it's talking like Jack Black. Perfect. You belong in my underground freaks zoo now. This is this condor. It's like the last, well, sorry, no, what can it do? Fire, is it a fire one? Ice? No.

Just a bunch of cameras flashing up a man stopping a panda into a suitcase. Dude, that would be all. if it's all just a complete delusion. He's like, I'm saving these fantastic beast and he's just kicking the throat. There's blood everywhere. So he kind of, he goes in, his brother, by the way, who is a new character

to these movies, I believe. Thesius is like an orer, which is like a magic cop. He's like a fucking ministry of magic G-man, dude. And he is now dating or engaged to what's her name? Cravitz, Zoe Cravitz, who is Lett Lita Lestrange.

Battle Angel. Those eyes are supernatural. Now, Eric, just to connect the dots a little bit, this Lita Lestrange is part of the same family that Helen Abonham Carter's character marries into later. She's featured in some of these later Harry Potter movies. Isn't it great to have the shoe on the other foot for a children?

Yeah, right. After this, we're recording a Gleap Glowseys, so I'm already set to be clueless. But just so, because like what this movie does, aside from having like Dumbledore be a major character. Sure. Yeah. It does sort of like a wink at some things and mention some names and whatnot. And like the little strangers are like kind of part of the Slytherin House, which is like just the bad people. All the bad people.

They're the bad boys and girls of Hogwarts, man. Just kick them out of school. That's what I would love that. I would, there's like, in the last. In the last movie, like, Maggie Smith has a triumphant thing where, like, everything is going to a shit and the last Harry Potter movie, I should say. Maggie Smith is like, all right,

lock up in the entirety of Slithron House. And everyone goes, whoa, lock the door and burn it down. Exactly. I'm sorry. That should have in fucking five goddamn movies ago, Maggie Smith. Now, it's just, I think, a little bit of bagged stigma, though, dude, because Alan Rickman's character was Slytherin. Yeah. He turned out to be good.

He was a bit of a double, though. He was lying about being a double. So that's what they want. They're like, all right, Newts, Commander. You want to come in here and get your travel privileges to go all around the globe, do whatever you want. Right. We'll get to it. So the only way you're going to do that is if you follow Ezra Miller's character, who everyone is calling the boy in this movie.

He is like 31 years old. What are we talking about? Like, that boy has got magic powers. Especially for 1927. He's beyond middle age, dude. He'd have six kids. I think it must have something to do with the fact that he's introduced with his mother. Gotcha.

And most people know him through his mother. Also, in the last movie, he's also a character. And he's much younger because we filmed that like three or four years ago. So I think it's just like, all right, we're taking our sweet time getting these movies out. Yeah, he's still the boy. The boy. You got to worry about the boy. So he's just dressed up like that little.

little tiny person sailor and insidious? Dude, I'm thinking about it right now. I'm getting goose pimples. Remember the fucking sailor boy? He's creepy. I would imagine. Nothing. You're just going to ignore everything I'm fucking said.

I'm going to ignore it because I don't know what you're talking about. You fucking idiot. What are you doing? I didn't see that film. I'm doing the little sailor boy from the insidious. You don't have sailor boy from insidious. Like the movie is about the sailor boy. I will say this is where video content could help because this jaunty dance Andrew is doing.

This you should see. That you should see. I was fucking paralyzed with fear because it's just this little from behind the Mr. Burns looking like 19 teen sailor person dancing next to a fucking phonograph. It's shit your pants terrifying. It was not wearing a t-shirt from Austin, Texas. I'll tell you that. I don't remember that.

So the guy, they're like, oh, let's, you know, you have to follow this kid. And he's like, and what? Eventually kill him because he's got this like weird monster inside him. called an obscure that makes him a super magic kind of a thing and like so he's kind of a fan Ezra Miller Eric as you'll understand is kind of a fantastic beast in and of himself

Wow right he's like an all powerful man beast being and they don't really know why just yet and they tell you at the end of this movie it's kind of dog shit stay tuned and so he's like I will not do this blah blah blah and then this old like grizzled

fucking PI that amounts to almost nothing like comes in an Everyone's like, it's him. And he sits down and everyone's like, oh, my God, what's he going to do? He's like, I'll take care of it. And then he didn't look one other scene. Well, he's a fucking paid assassin. I guess so.

And he's crooked. He's a dapo. He's a dupo. He's a dupo. Also, Ezra Miller's name is Credence. Creedance. I keep calling him Creed. Yeah, I wanted to bust out some CCR.

Yeah, dude. Every time, dude. And I fucking do not particularly care for Creighton's Clearwater Revival. It's like fucking. It's foot stomped. in beer drinking music, which has its place. So, like, I'm not going to listen to it on the bus. Sure.

But while watching this movie, every time I said it, I was just like, down on the, don't do it. Down. No, on the cot, don't do it every fucking time. Run through the jungle. It just kept on going. It just went on. That's why I was more than happy to hear him referred to as the boy constantly. You should have called him fortunate son.

Oh, that's, oh, yeah, dude. so he turns him down this guy's after him this kid's in Paris by the way we're in London Newt's commander goes back to his house he's got this horny assistant which I was

is she in the first movie too like she's new I think I think she's new he's paying this later to be horny all over his house what you're talking about he kicks around yeah but he's like

you're being horny get out of here that's part of the fetish science only lady but to Eric's Jack off one eel fool on me I got a real Richard Gere vibe There were all these gerbils

Running around this dude's apartment Like they're like oh no They got loose This is really weird You guys are fucking pervers Dirty pervers He's carrying around that sack of critters For something dude

It's his job How does this pay money? I don't think there's really like Money the way we know of it In the wizarding world man It's like Star Trek You can turn a person Into a piece of cake

So like what the fuck Yeah, you can make your own currency. It means fucking nothing. Can he do magic or is you just doing the beasts? No, he's a wizard. He's a wizard. He's a wizard. I will say, you're a wizard, Harry.

Turn you into a hamburger, buddy. And then fucking eat you. That'd be awesome. I'd be in his little belly. I would think if this movie was made in America, it would have been called sack of critters and where to find it. Okay, picture this movie. This movie coming out in 1987.

It's called sack of critters. A new sack of critters. Yep, totally. It's about a disgusting hill person with a sack, a burlap sack of critters that may or may not have magic and they kill people. It's directed by Wes Craven.

I'm into this movie. I'm way into a sack of critters and where to find them. The hills have sacks of critters. And it's a sack of critters and where to find them. Not find them. Absolutely. Hey, get back here.

Jupiter, Uranus, Pluto, Mars, Venus, Mercury. Saturn, Neptune, Earth, oh, Earth, you're right here. And the answer to where to find them is under a stump, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I'm a professional stump flipper. That's where I find my critters.

You check under the stump. That's usually where that critters are down. The rock imparts the best part. Dude, and here's the thing. If this wasn't the 80s, man, you could totally get fucking Jim Varney to play the critter on a day. Yes.

Yeah. And then the G men comes sniffing around. Then you'd be like, well, I think there might be something under that stump. And he goes there and it eats him. Yes. He's eaten by the stump creature. No, dude, there's no stump creature. It's just a bunch of fucking homemade dynamite.

And it blows up because that's my trick, stump. Yeah, he wouldn't dare rot out all the possums he has. I'll never turn you in, girls. So we see his whole apartment. It's all kind of. This is the very Ace Ventura scene, aside from the violent blowjob is missing. Rewatch that Ace Ventura movie. Aside of him, Transphobia, I will say again, there is a violent blowjob.

There's a very violent blowjob. It's a ride. There's like some water thing he's hanging out with a little bit. Well, this is all like a, it's a magically created vast world. It's kind of like the cave in Star Trek, too. You know, and they make that big Genesis cave. It's kind of like that. There's rolling hills and everything,

but it's all just a spell. It's all just make-believe man. This guy's riding this guy made out of kelp, this like ocean man. Yeah, this fucking seaweed dragon kind of stunk. This was a creature that stinks. It's like the one I liked. I don't know why.

Really? Yeah, I think it's because it's slimy. Oh, you know what, dude, probably due to that swamp thing fetish you have. That's true. I do like fungi. Oh, dude. Sack Critters.

1989 Saga Critters v. Swamp Thing It's also directing. Yeah, that's the extended universe. There you go. That's the wizarding world. Hey, cool. I just ate this fruit off of Swamp Thing's chest.

Oh, boy, I'm having sex with Swamp Thing. So, the movie kind of goes on. We run into Jake Fogelman. Dan Fogelman. Dan Fulgerman. No, wait. Fogler.

What, Dan Fogelman, wasn't that a guy that directed life itself? Yeah, that's why we got to be careful here. The Foggs. Okay. All right, so Jared Fogel's here. Oh, God. What happens now?

Look out, all of a sudden, Grindalwald's not the worst person in the movie. Yeah, Dan Fogler is this character. Jacob Kowalski. And here's something that I must have missed in the first movie, because in the whole Harry Potter franchise, you're born with magic, right?

And you either have magic or you don't. Correct. And the people who don't have magics, who don't have magic weren't born with magic in them who weren't wizard-like are muggles

and now we're calling them no mages and that's a bad word hold on a second Muggle is a person without magic we are all muggles essentially

and what the hell is it would you call me a no match what the hell is that that's a no magic what's the difference one is a slur I believe in one is not

Oh Muggle is a slur It sounds it I don't know I think it is I think Muggle is maybe the slur. Actually, no, I don't know, Kevin, because they're using it like in the presence of school

children. Dude, it's 1927. No, no, no, in like the Harry Potter movies. Dude, it's 1990. It's like the 90s. Yeah, they would do it. Of course they would do it. Here's my question. All right, look, everybody close your eyes. And now imagine that you're running for president. Closing my eyes around me. Yeah, fool me once say that. My eyes are closed, but if you

were listening to this while driving, keep them open. And a tweet came up from your past and it said I was on a bus with all these filthy muggles or I was on a bus with all these filthy nomadges which one sounds like the slur which one doesn't? Which one would you have to cease your bid

for the presidency for it? All right so let's say Well neither obviously They're bringing no matches and some of them I assume are good muggles It's not a travel ban It's a muggle ban Yeah I think muggle might be

The slur I think muggle is either way. Yeah, I'm okay. And one of them is a slur. They both mean the same thing. So Muggle is like an ignorant person that's unaware of the wizarding world, but a nomadge could be like a person that is aware of the wizard world and doesn't have magic. No, because like, so like the, I believe if I'm remembering right, the janitor for Hogwarts, that creepy guy, Feltz, or whatever his name is, uh, he's a muggle. Oh, is he really? Yeah, but he's just hanging out. Oh, okay. I do believe. He just has a hard on for a meldistan. Big, time. Wouldn't you? I mean,

wouldn't you? And that, wouldn't you? Maybe more and Vera Drake, yeah. Wouldn't you? So, see, wouldn't you? He comes in, he's got his girlfriend, Queenie, and they're like, oh, hey, and like, apparently at the end of the last movie, there was like some men and blacking

going on where everybody forgets everything, but it's like a real quick line, like, hey, didn't work. Dude, oh my God, I fucking went through the roof with this line because it's like, yeah, the end of the movie, like, all right, man, listen, you can't, you can't know about, like, he, Fogler's character in the first movie kind of like falls into the adventure. I think he's fun in this movie. He is. I think he's, I think he's a funny dude.

Yes, I do too. I think I'm the only person on the planet that likes that movie. Take me home tonight that he's in. It's like, oh, that movie stinks. Yeah, I know. Oh, I really like balls of fury. I've never seen it, actually. That was a hardcore of void. I think that's very funny. Really? Yeah. Okay. Um, yeah, in the first movie, he falls for Queen and, and then it's like, well, you can't learn about what I am and then he does and he's part of the movie kind of everything. But the end of it is like, all right, man, adventure over, thanks for the help.

Forget a kiss. That's a fucking smodcast joke. So, yeah, you get like fucking blanked out. And then so they come in and like Eddie Redmond's like, hey man, nice to see you and all, but the fuck. And he's like, oh yeah, you know, that spell was put on me. but you said it would erase bad memories. And I don't have any bad memories.

I have scary memories of our adventure. And I was like, dude, fuck you. Fuck you so hard. What lazy shit is that? But I forgot my father completely. Well, you see, the test audiences said that they liked me the best. So we had to bring me back, buddy. So Speloticus, I'm back.

That is movie magic. It is fine to have. the character of Jacob Kowalski back in this movie. You just got to find a better way to write that excuse. It's the fucking Star Trek the next generation. Well, Mr. Woff, what are you doing? Well, there was a big confrontation on, see you later. I think that's...

Insurrection. Yes. Or maybe it's nemesis. One of the latter two movies. In any event, I have a Dan Fogler story where I saw him at the now defunct, oh God, the Ziegfeld Theater in New York. RIPD.

IPD and like I wanted to approach him but then I realized I was just somebody that wasn't really a fan of his but I had goodwill towards him. Right. And I kind of like, I just don't want to because like usually you come to somebody like, oh man, I fucking love that movie. Instead of like, oh man, you just seem like a good dude. Hey man, you are all right. I just enjoy your presence in general. You seem like a positive person. I should have just yelled, keep doing what you're doing. And just walked out. That would be nice. You know, that might be the move Instead of going up to anybody, just going, keep doing what you're doing! Don't start talking about his essence, though. I think that might freak him out. Yeah, that's true. His girlfriend is this lady

who could read, named Queenie, she could read minds. It's part of her magic ability. She has enchanted. Now, I mean, if you looked at Dan Fogler and you looked at this lady and you thought somebody used magic in order to get that person

to fall in love with them, you might think the opposite. You'll believe a man can fly. Rosaria Dawson had to cast a spell on Kevin James. So is this like a common thing where a wizarder would marry or like get with a muggle? No, it's totally frowned upon, which they mentioned in this movie, totally frowned upon in this time period. In the Harry Potter world, I believe Hermione is. of one wizard

and one muggle and they're fucking calling her half blood and shit in those movies and whatnot that that's a fucking slur and a half wow

yeah yeah yeah dude anti-mongle sentiment yeah I think muggle is better than half blood those yeah you know what yeah

but that's what Fogler is like listen I told you Queenie we can't get married you know because like your people will not accept me marrying you

it's against the rules I'll be executed What if he converts? That's what I... You can't. That's in this world. What if you're like, you're like, you worship them, you know?

That's, I... There is some stuff in those other stories about like weirdo, like magic fetishists and whatnot. Wouldn't that just be creepy? Sure. I feel like that would just... It's total.

Of course it is. But you can't, you can't, to your question, though, I do not believe if you're a muggle, you can like learn to do spells. Even if you get one of those fun magic sets, it's like the box, it's got that,

plastic hat. Oh yeah, with like the little trick with like pulling the ring from the rope and whatnot. In Rogue One they introduce that character

who is like a like a priest of the force who's just a fanboy really. Yeah, yeah, I was thinking maybe

there'd be equivalence. I mean, there's, there's sort of that. I also think Voldemort has some of those motherfuckers like in his

yeah, they're Joe and all overbook. These just fucking total losers that are just obsessed with Voldemort. Voldemort's entourage. Yeah.

Well, because I want to begin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Turtle, go get those Bose headsets. Oh, Turtle, if you do not acquire the Bose headsets,

I will turn you into a turtle. See, that's better. That was my Voldemort impression without ever hearing Voldemort impression. Brunchidicus. Look, V is not doing the spell, okay? He's just not going to do the spell. Oh, guess what?

E. V will do the spell. he's doing the spell All right Yeah Oh yeah Yeah It's magic magic Oh great turtle

Here comes Ronda Rousey In this universe Turtle would actually Be a turtle Like that would be A turtle Yeah he turned into a turtle

So like Now he's just Fogler Who I do like And again It's clearly a test screening thing Like

They don't know What to do With him in this movie At all He's got his hands In his pockets The entire movie It's really

unfortunate because it's a good character and I think he's good in that first movie where he has things to do he's like oh well his girlfriend walks away and he's like oh no queenie oh oh oh and then hilariously it starts raining on him then I mean

for the most of the part he's just there to be like essentially the audience's mirror he's just like being like yeah do that newt yeah I'm here oh my god nude that's amazing and a That is exactly what I was saying The entire film

Oh my God, Newt, it's amazing And now Newt has a crush on this other lady We're about to start the movie, I promise Whose name is Tina Who's Queenie's sister Who's also in Paris And then that's like, hey, let's go to Paris

Because it's like this weird Like honeymoon or I should say Perfect Strangers-esque thing like the twins are going somewhere else and we got to go find them kind of a thing. Yeah, it absolutely is. I think even Fogler has some line where he's just like, yeah, we'll go there

and I can get Queenie back and you can find Tina maybe. Yeah, it'll be great. And you're like, all right, duos, let's go. Also, by the end of that first movie, Tina and Newt are kind of like ready to roll. Oh, yes. And we're told that a total flub

from a tabloid, a wizarding world tabloid newspaper. about the fucking gerbils? She fucking read about that? No, dude, she was making out with Wolf Boy. Oh, really? It was the other way around. Okay. It's so, because like, Newt's brother is engaged to... Little estranged.

And so the newspaper fucks it up and says, Newt and her engaged. Tina sees it. It gets mad insulted and goes away to work for the ministry. And it makes up a boyfriend named Achilles Tulliver or someone. fucking nonsense. You think that's a fake boyfriend? I would think so. Oh, you wouldn't know him. He works in the Ministry of Magic in Canada. That's an art vandalay name if I ever heard one. He's an Achilles Tolliver. Yeah, that's it. He's an importer exporter. Now, can we get to my favorite character in all of the movie? Sure. Bucket Guy. Huge fan of Bucket Guy. Oh, bucket guy is the

best, dude, the little like boatkeeper technically. They're going to go and, you know, obviously they're not allowed to travel even though again the limits of magic like he's wishing and washing and all over the place and blah blah I'm sorry

we should talk about Dumbledore really quick because he shows up Sure so Dumbledore is in this movie he's played by Jude Law I think he does a good job He's fun

I like dude law's got to have on a good run these days I kind of Not too bad he sort of fell on his face with that Vox Lox Oh different opinion Oh yeah

Oh oh I oh Oh it's me as Jewel Oh, fucking Vox Lox. Oh, you want to sing a fucking song or hang out in this hotel room all day? Oh, Vox Lox. It's true to life. I know guys like that. Yeah.

Hey, Steve, don't you want to hang out with this hotel room with me? Come on. I know guys like that. Steve, we are going to smoke crack. Oh, me and Natalie Portman are just going to lazily fuck because that happens all the time. Like me. You have a fucking chick, but you're bored. It's not.

It's not. It's not. a perfect film, but at least it's not Crazy Heart fan fiction that Bradley Cooper is getting nominated. That's for sure. Thank you very much. Hey, to be fair, to his star is born, dude,

nobody drunkenly loses a kid in a mall. It's much funnier, he pees himself at the Emmys or the Grammys. That is pretty much one. Yeah, it's great. But Dumbledore is here. He goes up to Nudescombeena. Now, Eric, I want to bring you up to Harry Potter lore. Imagine, because this happens

all the time in Harry Potter. Anytime your sixth grade teacher comes up to you, I was like, yeah, dude, come here. It's been 30 years since I taught you. By the way, now you've got to do espionage for me. Eric, I want you to break into the CIA. I taught you fucking, I told you Jaron's sixth grade. Now you have to break into the CIA and steal shit

because I'm telling you to do that. Me being your sixth grade teacher. Well, he wasn't so much a language teacher as he was the defense against the dark arts teacher. I can't even remember my sixth grade teacher's name. It would be awesome if Mrs. Washburn told me to go fucking do some espionage. I'd be like, lady, I totally misjudged you. I think you do it, and it was bullshit, and you just get arrested.

But if she's like, oh, dude, she's finally enacting revenge. Yeah. Fucking 25 years later. She was fucking drunk off her face when she was talking to you. I had a contentious relationship with my sixth grade teacher, dude. We did not get along. Were you a little class clown? I was a bit of a fucking jerk.

Sixth grade was when I found out getting laughs was an easy way to get people to pay attention to you. Oh, sure. And this poor woman bore the brunt of that. I didn't figure that out until 30. I'm sorry, Eric. Eric, the thing with your teacher thing. You would remember them more if they taught you how to be invisible

in front of your parents. Yes, that's true. Or taught me anything at all. There you go. My sister's great teacher was a crazy lady that yelled at me when I was wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt that said, cool your Jets man.

And she yelled, no, I will not cool my Jets man. I love that story every time I hear. My sixth grade teacher was actually, like, was the embodiment of Skinner. Like he lived with his mother. He lived with his mother, did not leave during the weekend, like, did like arts and crafts with her at home all the time. How did you know this? You were in sixth grade?

He was very open about it. Oh, that's sad. You know, I'm trying to remember that teacher's name or appearance and I can't. I think I did. Mr. Raymer. Mr. Raymer was mine, I think. Can I tell you I saw this woman years later? I'm talking like no more than four years ago at a Panera bread.

Okay. No interaction. We made eye contact and it was like, you hate me, don't you, lady? And my first thought was, wow, she's still alive. Oh, sure. I couldn't believe it. And she looked the exact same as she did in 1995. I ran into someone I had school with, like a teacher.

I also forget this woman's name. At a wedding for a friend of mine. Wow. This was like a few years ago. Okay. And I remember her vividly because she was actively saying that I would not be able to contribute to society. Real thing. Not like that I was bad, but she was convinced that I was too dim to ever make anything of myself.

Sure. And I was just telling her of my accomplishments. and she couldn't give a fuck. She was just pissed off that you were proven her wrong, dude. Yeah, but it still felt bad. Yeah, I know. I thought she'd be like a little proud or something. But she didn't ask you to break into the White House

and shoot the president in the head or something? I wish. That's what he's doing. He's like, listen, Newt, what I need you to do is go to Paris. I know that you're legally barred from going to Paris, but you, Newt, being my sixth grade student, have to go to Paris and assassinate. No, he doesn't say assassinate.

He wants to check out Cretins is as he's got to watch Credens because as Dumbledore's states here, he cannot face off against Grendelwald. But this dude, Credens can get the job. I metaclorian rate. Yeah. There's a little bit of that floating around in this movie. The force is also the birth thing too. Like you've got to be born in here. Right.

Yeah. But so we go to bucket guys. And bucket guys just on. He's out of hill. He's got this bug. And I wonder like, is he always on this exact? hill or is it like kind of a different hill every time what this guy deserves like an expanded universe novel like what tell me about the bucket

game more bucket where you won't go france or all we go to france in the bucket so the bucket transports you to other locations yes it may just be a back and forth if oh this is the bucket that goes to france is the chunnel buckets to chuck it oh what do you want to go oh you want to go to tasmania okay Joe Joan takes up the thing. Go to Tasmania. He puts it back down. Oh, he's talking to the bucket.

I spend my whole days yelling in buckets, telling it where to go. They call me the bucket whisperer. Oh, I love all me. He goes out of a house full of buckets. Look at all me precious buckets. Oh, hello, bucket. Oh, the muggle bucket. It just holds water.

It's just dish water. Oh, that's what you do. You definitely, like, that's how you train. That's how you find out where the bucket goes. You throw a mouse in there. Oh, yes, great idea. And then it, what, comes back holding a fucking cocktail flag of where it's been? What the fuck would that do?

A baguay and some cheese. No, you throw a gerbil in there up rich a gear. Oh, yeah, dude. What is with the obsession with this stupid Richard Gere shit that everyone knows his fucking fake? It's the tunnel to Hollywood. I find it funny. The tunnel to Hollywood. That is the first I've heard it referred to that way.

It came up earlier because it's an American folklore of a guy with fantastic beasts around. And where to find them. Yeah, exactly. That's where they are. I'll be bow. But it's obviously not true. It's on me. I started the whole show by saying bend over and we'll show you.

So you know what? You guys are showing me. I've been thinking about anus since. I know you have been. So we go in a bucket We're in France We meet up with We see Tina who's around

She's on her own mission Yes She goes to this She infiltrates this freak show Which is where we meet Oh man Everyone who watch those first movies Like Voldemort

Reefines has this huge snake Name Nogini Who's a cool looking snake Was that in the first movie? No right Maybe maybe not Entire of You're thinking of the big snake

Underneath Hogwarts That's in part two, which he didn't see. No, I didn't know. I guess I was just thinking about Richard Gere's big snort. Anyway. Nagini rolls up in later films when you start meeting Voldemort. And now this lady, it's like, this is like the most this movie gets to be like, all right, guys, come on. It's like, man, oh, did you know Nogini was actually a lady first?

And she says four words in this movie. It's so fucking stupid. It's like, I will take Jude Law as a young Dumbled. Sure. that's awesome but like I don't need to know that this lady turns into a snake it adds nothing no because unless

like at the end of I think they have planned five films of this so like at the end of that she's permanently a snake and you see like little Voldemort like cool a snake now it's mine let's go off to college I want to see her last day

as a human where she knows she's about to be a snake for the rest of her life right you go out to a nice movie like do things anything snakes cannot do. Yeah, just any place that would normally have a sign that says no snakes allowed that's where you got to go. You definitely eat a meal with a fork and a knife.

A lot of meals with a fork and a knife. Cooked food. I would think it's a lot like the end of Big. Oh yeah. Yes, just her boyfriend walks away. Yes. It says waves back. All of a sudden it's just a snake. The snake goes

back to playing that PC game. Speaking of Wizards. Jimmy, Chimmy, Gokobok, Shimmy, Chimmy, Tz. Excellent, big detail. I like that. So, in any event. There's this, like, big, fucking Icelandic dude who's, like, the ringleader? Sure.

Do you read the cool? It's not cool at all. Excuse me. Did you read the useless bit of information on the trivia about this guy? I did not. He dubs Robbie Coltrane's Hagrid in those other movies. I did. I started reading that, and I got so mad when I was.

read that. Wait, so Coltrane doesn't do his own voice? No, like when they release the film in other languages, like with the dub tracks, that dude does Hagrid. Ezra Miller, like, they bust out, right? Well, they have this whole plan because he and Nagini are getting down is the idea here. And so it's like, all right, tonight we're going to fucking break out of the circus and get the hell out of here.

And I'm like, well, first of all, this woman can turn into a snake and her every whim. you could do that any now. How did you fall into the circus? Yeah, that's true. Slither away. Yeah. You should have had one night in the circus and that was it. Exactly. You should have robbed that circus man. Or eating them, dude.

Turn into a snake and eat him. Yeah. Then rob them. Yeah. So they're all like, you know, lovers on the run. Like, we're going to break out of here. This is the big lion-looking Chinese animal thing. Correct.

And it looks like one of those. It looks like gritty. It kind of looks like gritty. Not for nothing. that's correct you got a bit of a googly eye situation actually if you do

the fucking timeline work here man I'm just thinking about this this movie came out like what November of last year when was Gritty's debut I'm just saying I'll say this if every time this thing came on screen

jock jams also started up I'd be very happy I'm gonna tell you that so whatever they're on the run now it's a big fucking to-do though they break out of this whole thing Catherine Waterston is there

there's another dude hanging out who looks a little suspicious it's like oh we're both here trying to get the boy kind of a thing and this is the kind of like cool like wizarding world stuff that I love is this big fucking circus master is like all right we've been found out

roll up and then like he just has to do a little spell and the whole circus goes into this little box and they go but they're all in this little box and this guy's just what if he loses them on the bus what if bucket guy gets a hold of him this is my question dude that is the social contract of living in the wizarding world okay because you're living in the wizarding world and you are a cruel circus master that's a good son thank you oh he's management dude he is management where the fuck was that guy that kind of yeah dude it would be great this icelandic see being weirdly racist about david lynch Remember that guy?

No, what? The guy that was cut out of Twin Peaks, the... Oh, yeah, the, yeah, the little person guy. The little person, wait, what, he was getting racist? Oh, yeah, apparently his Facebook was like, a nightmare. What? Like, like, I think he supported Trump, but it was, like, through the looking class beyond that. Yeah.

And then he talked about, he talked about, like, well, Lynch, apparently, like, Lynch wasn't going to cast him because of all those issues and or something like that. Uh-huh. And then he was alleging that Lynch was sleeping and molesting his daughter and that, and he knew about it. And that's why Lynch wouldn't care. What? Yeah, it's just really bizarre stuff. Oh, my God. Michael Anderson, you're a fucking scumbent.

And that's why I got turned into a tree with a brain on its branch or whatever. Man, you know, at first I was let down with that and Twin Peaks of the return. But now that tree is my favorite character. Just because it replaced that fucking weirdo. Man, again, this is just stuff. I don't know for sure, who knows who did what, yeah, management. I take it as gospel. So Catherine Watersford meets up with this other guy whose name is

Yusuf Kama. And he's like, I got to kill this kid, don't worry about it. And then like she gets captured by him at some point. And that's when like Newton, Newton, the other guy meet up with them inside. She's in some sort of cage. She's a little bit of a cagey situation here. She's locked away. also there is at the same time all of this is going on

there's this like French assassin that Grinda Wald has also put cold on the trail of everybody oh right rosier or something like that she's the woman who's like his number two oh that lady okay yeah and they go to a house

so like Credence gets the fuck out of there and they're like all right like his whole thing is he's trying to find his mother sure because he doesn't know who he is he's trying to find out who he actually is and so they find my parents So they go to this old house And there's just this old French lady there Who's not the mother

But she's like, oh, she's not the mama? She is indeed not the mama. Gotcha. That's correct. And she fucking hits Ezra Miller with a frying pan. Yeah, sure. Now, so this lady's in the middle of like, Oh, I'm so sorry, but I just adopted you.

I'm not your mother. But here's some important information. And in comes that fucking hired assassin from earlier in the film who we fit we are led to believe at this point is working for the Ministry of Magic and he this is another cool like magic fight thing

like he fucking lays waste to this apartment and Ezra Miller is like using his powers to fucking turn into this huge like venom ball which is kind of weird and then all this to say that old woman is just hilariously dead on the floor at the end of it all oh yeah man just murdered

and this dude takes off again there's other murders that we've neglected where Johnny Depp, like, he can't just go to an Airbnb, apparently. He has to like, oh, my God, we forgot about how he sets up his hideout. He's like, I'll need a hard out, don't I? We're going to drive us darn-ins and dives. I thought he was going to start, like, switching out that eye, like Charles Daneson last action era. Oh, nice.

Oh, now it's one with a smiley face on it. Have a nice day. But they go, him and all of his followers go inside his house. it's a family they're fucking killing all these people left and right it's awesome though dude they lay waste to these two adults

and then there's a whole weird thing where they bother to like fake a funeral and there's like these coffins that come out they wheel these people away and they're all hanging out in this apartment and Johnny Depp's like all right cool like this will do and this is one of men

every scene Johnny Depp is in and he's like I'm evil aren't I'm are you ready to be as evil as I am and I was like I don't know but it's gonna be really cool and it's like, wait till the next movie. Big time. And then as they're just like settling into their new digs,

they hear a young baby upstairs like, mama, they go up. And boy, I was like, cool. He has like this little person that he can raise to be evil, blah. No, no, no, no, no. This woman just murders a baby in this movie. Ooh, points. That is definite points. Just saying, dude, points.

why don't do the humane thing just turn it turn it into a toy and capture it there forever dude then it's like that doll in the movie the boy yeah or that or the doll from the living doll from

oh passions oh yeah that guy's dead oh the soap opera yeah I remember that came up before once yes it did so whatever we're kind of and this is when the movie is just kind of squishing around

we're told that this movie no there's not That's what's really frustrating. It's like there's no structure here. It's just like shit happens. It's like climbing into a water bed. Wait, what? Whoa, what?

Wow, that's such a great analogy for what it feels like to watch this movie. You're just slush it around. It's like, all right, okay, okay. I think I fall asleep down. And then nope. Little fucking weave hits you. I think that it was a situation where since they now, what, they were going to plan to do five of these fucking things?

Yes, they still are. I feel like they had enough for one more movie, and they just took all the acts and made each act a movie. It just, there's so much. Wait, they're doing five of these? Five, yeah. Five. We still got three more to go.

That's insane. Are they doing it? As far as I know. This movie made a lot of money. It didn't make a ton of it was. International, baby. Yeah, no, it's totally fine. Like, these movies are on.

2020 is the next one. She had said she's going to take the arc of this story up to 1945. We'll see why in a minute. Big turnaround here though After that whole like killing that old lady And the house explodes and whatnot It's revealed that this dude Who we're told is under the employment

Of the Ministry of Magic Sure He's actually working for Grindelwald And then he tips his hat and leaves the movie Yeah And that's kind of okay I'm trying to think Yeah I don't know that we see him again

No he knows he's like Well the ministry will be very upset with me He said well don't worry about it Because now you're a bad guy And he's like yeah I like being a bad guy And then that's it. That's the end of that. Perfect. And it's been nice to see like Ezra Miller take that guy apart later. Yeah, that'd be something.

Totally fucking dismantle that dude piece by piece. Other stuff going on. So at some point, Queenie, who's, again, a character like who's barely in this movie, I think she was in the first one a lot. Yeah. The first one is the four of them running around doing shit. She seems really ill-defined in this movie. She runs into Gwindwald on the street.

They're the fucking bodega. they're both trying to get soup or something. I mean, like, not really, but, like, she runs into some lady. Her number two, his number two, this French lady. Rosier, whatever, yeah. She brings her into this house, and then she's like, oh, do you want to meet my master?

She's like, she's kind of being, she's pretty funny in this movie, and then, like, Johnny Depp's like, do you want to be a bad guy? And she's like, I guess so. I have literally nothing else to do in this movie. At the same time, this dude, Yusuf Kama, like, he is jailed, Catherine Waterston and the other two

he's like putting eye drops in his eye and then he just like falls down dead. Yes. And it turns into a whole thing. They break out of this jail cell and they're like taking this dude with them running around like weekend at Bernie's. Well they Dumbledore gives Newt a card is like look

if shit gets weird in Paris go to my buddy's house he's barely there. Oh right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. You can totally smoke weed but open the windows. He's totally fine with it. He just doesn't want to come back to a cloud so you just gotta leave the windows open if you're gonna be there for more three days water the plants just there's a sprayer near the door just you know pay it forward man that's all he

asks is you pay it for one thing definitely do because this happened last time it was a huge deal don't be one of those people that like watches a couple of DVDs and leaves other DVDs out upside down on top of the DVD player that drives him fucking nuts because you think you're saving the bottom information side of the DVD but dust and other things are falling on it you're not doing it any favors the case is there for a reason and my god make sure you put the right DVD in the right case oh my god you know he doesn't want to pull out a patent and then have to watch fucking billy madison and he's he's all about free love and everything man but after you're done with your lovemaking change the stained sheets we've got

some in the cabinet also all about it but you got to change him out bro all prophylactics listen we are all for safe sakes but all prophylactics you need to take them with you outside in a garbage can. He does not want to find them in the bathroom bin, man. Yeah, just wrapping it in a paper towel, nice try, but we know what that is. There's some, we've got some C-Town bags. Seatown local grocery store chain. So there's, I mean, they go to this guy's house.

Well, so they go to this guy's house, but like because we have to cut around a bunch here, do you want to mention, we get our first trip in this part of the franchise to Hogwarts, which is cool. Hogwarts 1927, the class of 27. And you're seeing Voldemort or Dumbledore, he's teaching, he's the defense of the dark, against the dark arts teacher. Sure. And which is pretty cool.

He's doing all the stuff that we've seen in previous movies. They're like, you know, different kinds of spells and stuff. And he's like teaching all these kids like, listen, one day I'm going to ask you to do weird shit for me. You better be there. You better pay attention now because when I ask you to cast a fucking murder spell on

somebody, you better do it. Look, I I know I look a little bit like Matt Damon, but I am not Matt Damon. And you got to remember that because shit could go south real quick with me. So he's teaching this class. A bunch of obscurials roll in the fucking ministry g-men.

No, not obscurials, uh, oras, excuse me. Uh, these motherfuckers roll in. They're like, you get your bullshit words mixed up. I was about to ask what the difference was. It's very easy to do that with these movies. ones like the feds, one's like the local The venom ball is an obscure Yes, Ezra Miller's an obscure

Which is like a monster person And aura is a monster person, okay So these oras run in And they're like, yo Dumbledore We know, dude, we know That you are the most powerful wizard Just fucking go kill this guy for us What are the wizard rankings?

Is there a book somewhere I could pick up Like the top wizard rankings kind of a thing Is it a top 250? Oh my God! It's like the price guy in the back. Yeah, that's where it started and then eventually it became comics for the muggles. Much to Andrew's chagrin, the guy who does know all the rankings, is played by Robert Wool. The number five wizard.

Arlicus. Oh, I've seen so much Arlissus, which is why it justifies my hatred of Robert Wall. Certainly. So these Dumbled Dole's the one. What? We all know this. He's going to have a great magic season.

Yeah, he's got 17 assists. He's averaging 17 assists. Oh, but he sprayed his wrist, wand wrist, his wrist, his wrist ron. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Grindel Wolves. All flash, ladies and gentlemen. All flash. Yeah, I gamble on Quidditch.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Those dudes exist. Lost a car on Quidditch. Oh. Well, but then you'd like, you'd like, gamble. with like blood curses and shit and like no literally I lost my first port

for real they sacrificed them this is a sad existence the drink his blood so Dumbledore is like I choose not to fight but and then this is actually because we've done you know

J.K. Rowley really brave J.K. Rowling really bravely made Dumbledore gay after all of the books were done and after that character was way dead and she's like by the way Did you know he was gay the whole time? Honestly, I will take gay the whole time.

But is it progressive to be like, oh, he was the secret homosexual? Even in my literature, he had to keep it behind close doors. I mean, fair. But in this movie, it's spelled out clear as day. They make it a little more explicit. It's like you used to be very close with Grindelwald. Like brothers, they said. It's like, closer than brothers.

But that's it. But then. you have the flashback, they brought the same two actors from the last Deathly Hallows movie and they're like holding hands and whatnot in the little blood scene. No.

Call me when somebody spits in somebody's palm. So you need him to fuck a peach cabin and that's what you're saying. I want a broke back mountain. You need them to wear fucking bad shorts and fuck a peach. Is that what you need?

Cabin. Yes, do it all. You call me by you're a fantastic beast and I'll call you by mine I mean I do I kind of I guess I'm in between Chris and Andrew here where I would like

them to him to say like he was my first love like if he said that it would be like something sure he would be shot in the head or something because of the fucking

1927 I guess that's also true yeah that's a fucking forget a kiss spell right there dude yeah but I mean like but they don't do that but to your point

they're doing like some hand holding stuff it's it's close but no cigar and maybe the rest of the movies will get more explicit with that because we're just setting up everything here. Sure. Bring on the Barry White. Yeah, I just want to see some loving.

I'm curious. I'm never going to get you. When does, so Dumbledore in these movies, in this movie anyway, he's dressed to the fucking nines. Ace dressing is a perfect tailored suit the whole time. When did you start wearing robes? Is it like a thing where he just had a cold and he just kind of walked her? He went to work once in a robe and he's like,

you know I can kind of pull this off? I think what happened was the 1960s hit. Oh, yeah. And then it was like, fuck it. Psychedelia. Yeah, dude, I'm just wearing robes now. And when the case for a battle is lessened. Yeah, sure.

You don't, you know, what's going to rustle you? I mean, kind of sort of. Wizard sweatpants. Really well embroidered sweatpants. I mean, that was beautiful. Listen, you're old, man. You're constantly uncomfortable. You cannot believe you still have to work to fucking live.

It's probably easier to wear a diaper. That's true. I also think if you can make people think you're invisible, you can go around naked if you like. You've got it all figured out at that point. But yeah, so this is all just one for Dumbledore to say yet again, like I will not fight Grindelwald

for reasons I won't tell you right now. And we see then like Lita Lestrange is kind of hanging out in the school and he's like, oh, Lita, like you were one of my best students. How about a flashback? Yeah. And again, this is a thing that serves totally fine in a novel.

You can do this. And it's like, you know, Dumbledore looked at Lita and his thoughts flashed back to that, you know, faithful school year when this whole thing blew up. Like, you can totally do that with literature. Sure. You cannot do that with a movie. And this is like, it's such a fucking detour for this thing. But also, like, I think that those first, that whole Harry Potter series is about, and

like almost, like, 88% of the scenes are. either Ron Harry or Hermione are in the room or around the room and the learning stuff from characters a lot of adults around but we're almost always following those characters in this movie like Newt's commander is gone for most

of it and I think the problem is like because you realize all right I'm bringing young Dumbledore into this movie Dumbledore is a massively popular character so I'm like fuck let's play in that Dumbledore world a little bit and then it's like oh fuck should I have just done this from the start oh crap have I ruined this

franchise. Oh, crap. Did I write the wrong character? You know what I mean? Because, yeah, like, it should be Nutskamonger, like, hanging out. Yeah. It's fucking Dumbledore and Zoe Kravitz for like 20 minutes. What you should have done is just found a way to like sidelines commander. Yes. At some point, like an attack early and like, he's got to go to the hospital or sometimes. Oh, no. I'll go, go, go, go, go, I'll go in my car. Oh, no, it's blown up. A polonio! Oh, yes. you know. That's definitely what it was.

It wasn't any wayward gerbil. Not at all. I'll have to be in the hospital for six to eight weeks. I'm sitting this one out. Well, standing as the case may be. See if you can elongate Jude Law's contract.

If it was a thing, like Godfather, and it's like an extended, this is what we're doing. But it's not that. It's just a too long detour that doesn't matter nobody cares it's all for her to set up like

what the end of the movie but what she does at the end of the movie but so just have her say like I was misunderstood at school and like Newt helped me out and I should have taken the fall for it like that's a time when expositional dialogue if written carefully is totally fine like why are you doing this? Because he helped me

once okay that's it man that's totally fine I was checking my phone during this scene I was like I don't know what's going when that doctor helps Harrison Ford in the fugitive. Sure. I don't need to see him like fucking helping her clear her gutters or whatever the fuck. He did at one point to allow her to do the blood test there.

Yeah, that's true. Fucking get over it. Oh, it's also learned in this whole thing that like Dumbledore's sister passed away, which we knew from previous literature. Dumbledore's sister. Come on. Lita has a dead brother. Yes.

Dumbledore has several siblings. I know. We're going to find out. So basically, Tina and Newt decide to break into the French Ministry of Magic to get some stuff or some information, which I can't be bothered to do. So they go in there. And whilst they're doing that, the got, like, it's just Dan Fogler kind of hanging out in this weird old guy's house. And he shows up and he's so creepy. Nicholas Flamell is the character's name.

And you know who this motherfucker is? I read about it. He's the dude who created the Sorcerer's Stone. or for our UK listeners, the Philosopher's Stone. Wow. Yeah, he's that dude. He's mentioned in that first Harry Potter story quite a bit. I just thought he was an illuminated pervert.

Well, do you know also who the guy actually is, though? An illuminated pervert. He actually might be because he is the son of Hodorowski. Oh, wow. Who's that? The filmmaker. Oh. Yeah, like El Topo?

Yeah, yeah. I thought you thought you meant that there was a wizardess. I thought you meant that there was a wizard. no the dude who directed like the holy mountain he he's the son of that of that filmmaker which is kind of weird see this dude flirting around in this movie he'll be in the end of the movie for some reason

looking like an illuminated pervert and so whilst Tina and Newt are in the Ministry of Magic they run into their the brother who's again barely a character they're trying to make something have with his brother. There's like a fun scene there. They have to go into Little Strangers like locker room to get something and then all these cats show up.

I don't recall or I guess... Just grab them. Grab them. Oh, it's just locker room. It's just locker room. We're in a locker room. I decided to say some weird shit. Billy Bushakis. Brontis Hodorowski is that actress's name. Yeah, I don't entirely know why they have to break into the Frenchman Magic at this point they go into the La Strange file it's like there's looking for the it's something about creedans it's like oh if we find this document we'll know that what

whatever we're just analyzing documents in a library like it's resident evil too and then again like this is one this is one action scene too many all these cats show up and it's very much like those Harry Potter movies where all the fucking shelves because getting anything in the fucking Harry Potter world is a fucking nightmare because everything is sentient and everything moves that's why it's really really bad to have a magical filing system. Exactly. Dewey Decimal or bust. Stationary

fucking files, if you please. And to your fucking gripe about some of these fantastic beasts, these things look terrible. The black cats with the glowing eyes. The cats, they look like those fucking hairless cats, man, and they're already scary enough. But they just don't

look real or... No, they look like a bad, like, Nintendo 64 game. They look terrible. And then, like, gritty gets them here. They unleash Gritty and he fucking takes care of these dudes. Yeah, he banishes them to banjo fucking Guzooey, man. Come on. Now you wind up into this graveyard.

Right. So they know that they have to go to the LaSrange tomb. The family tomb. Man, the idea of family tombs creeps me out. And by the way, Grindelwald's having a rally. Dude, we're having a rally. Oh, yeah, he's having a rally, everybody. You guys looked at me like I was crazy when I said it.

But it's kind of like, is this the part where he's just like, hey, dudes, like we should be, wizard should be in the open because Hitler's coming and we should stop him. And everyone's like, boo. Yeah, I'm Carl Hitler. I think Grindelwald's got some good ideas here. He does. That's what's. And again, it's a weird thing where like he, they're like, hey, Grindelwald, man, you really don't want to murder all the fucking nomadges, right?

Like, yeah. That, you know, and he's like, well, listen. some of those nomadges yeah they're pretty cool but look what they're about to do to each other and he shows like the fucking like Blitzkrieg

there's like weird Blitzkrieg footage and then there's the fucking atomic bomb going off and they're like oh these fucking muggles are horrible and in that moment I'm like oh Grindle Walt does kind of have some good ideas

we're terrible that's the thing is like I don't understand the movie doesn't do a very good job of saying like is this a ploy is this like is he just does he know the future but also like evil about it like because i think he seems like a good guy even wanting to stop world what's it's it's worth fighting for for greedy platyuses that are cute and now that you guys told me that they're going to do five of these movies i guarantee you jude law at some point in this series is going to be like and that's only a b minus for you heinrich himler oh shit himler was a

Wizard? Definitely. He was into the occult. Oh, that's right. Yeah. No, I think they're doing like a Magneto situation. Sure. Where he's like, I want to kill all the non-mutans. Yeah, but at the same time, like, Magneto's fine because Magneto survives the Holocaust and like, we're in the present day. Like, the Nazis were objectively bad. Like, if he's like, hey, man, I want to knock out these Nazis, I'm with that guy. That's what I'm saying.

Well, yeah, so it's what I mean. Both sides, actually. There's good people that had both days. I mean, I don't know, man. Wouldn't it be cool if you went back and fucking prevented World War II from happening? Wouldn't that be pretty cool? Well, I mean, we couldn't imagine where we would be today if that occurred.

It's true. Which is fine. Some of us would not be born probably. I'd redo a lot of the 20th century if I could. Yeah? Totally. First of all, keep perfect strangers on way longer. Are you kidding me? The first step, no. It's a dystopian.

Give me a break. Have you ever seen Bruce Almighty. It's just, it seems like a real hassle. That's one part of this scene. The other part of this scene is like, we're finally figuring we're in the exposition town to be... Oh, dude, the fucking break is broken on the train and this thing is going towards a broken bridge. And I hope you brought a guidebook,

a slide ruler, and an extra pencil because the names that are going to start flying your way. Where's the fucking glossary? You need an in-theater's glossary to just notate all these people. Basically, Ezra Miller, who's sort of in this movie, is like, oh, my God, I'm the lost Lestrange guy named Corvus super cool. Right. And they're like, no, you're not because actually, and also, oh, by the way, Yusuf shows up here and he's like, I'm going to kill you Corvus Lestrange because your father stole my mother away from my father.

Oh, my Lord, this whole fucking. I'm going to get into some weird imperialistic stuff, which I'm like, you know what, Harry Potter, keep it. It's fine. A little. this is a fridge too far. Yeah, we're in a fucking a Thomas Jefferson situation, which I don't need. Yeah, did not see this coming from the wizarding world.

Where it's like, oh, he stole my mother and put a curse on her and then like it ruined the family, et cetera, et cetera. Basically, you ruined my life, Corvus Restranges, so I have to kill you no matter what. And then Liddle estranged is like, no, actually, when I was on a boat, which I believe to be the Titanic. I think you're correct here. Keep it down.

I'm trying to. take a nap. I think the timeline matches up that what we're about to talk about takes place on the Titanic. Just come on. And she's on a boat as a kid and she's got her brother

who's this little baby who's crying, crying, crying. She gets really annoyed so she takes the baby and switches with another baby just for the night just to get over it. But uh-oh. Iceberg right ahead. And I'm looking at it just to confirm the

theory here because we're talking this movie takes place in 1927 the RMS Titanic indeed sank in the year 1912. I think this fucking baby dies on the Titanic is what we're talking about here. Right alongside Leonardo

DiCaprio. But also like why would the Titanic in the world of wizarding like if there's a bunch of wizards on this boat which apparently there are, there's at least the estranges and then we're going to find a Dumbledore's fucking families fucking around on there too. Somebody should just pick up a want to be like, you know what, Iceberg

turn into a fucking flower. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. They'll expose the whole wizarding world. You just have to let those muggles drown. Then you just do life bodicus, just for you and your own. Also, the boats were just sinking all the time back then. Yeah, I guess that's true.

All the wizards were like, here we go again. We forgot to take the holes out. Oh. We put the holes in. About whole philicus. boat sank non-stop I'm sorry cabin just said whole fill a kiss and you couldn't be bothered to make another Richard gear joke well why don't you fill in the gap by pointing out the lack of the joke I made the joke well I wish you did it more vulgarly see you're saying all these filthy words in any event the Titanic sank the Titanic just arrived better late than never so and this kid drowns and she's like

Like, oh, so, by the way, in case you're wondering, you can't be Corvus because I killed my brother by accident. So you're just some random baby. And for anyone keeping track at home, that's two dead babies in this movie. Yeah. Pretty cool. You're from nothing. You're just dirty junk traders. Two pretty brutal baby slayings, too. Absolutely. One drowns to death alone in the sea. It is not just your traditional good old-fashioned crib death. It is. not. These are brutal murders. Two dead babies ups the score.

And then Kate Winslet's actually on top of a fucking suitcase with plenty of room, sees a baby fall by. Just pushing that baby away with a stick. Oh, some debris came by. It was horrible. Horrible. It almost, like, I almost dropped my gigantic diamond or whatever the fuck. By the way, Jack, keep singing to me. I'm bored on top of this enormous suitcase, which could clearly fucking fit too.

For a minute there, she thinks about it, but then a big fish just eats the baby. Oh shit, that would be funny. But so, but actually to go back to what Eric's joke was, which was the Last Jedi, it makes you appreciate that moment so much because this whole movie is the Ray,

who's Ray's parents? Oh my God. Who the fuck is Credence? In my notes, all caps. Who the fuck is credence and who could fucking care? Exactly. Oh, is he a little strange, blah, blah. And like they almost do it where it's like,

oh, you're just some random baby. Oh, no, but he's related to Dumbledo. turns out at the end of this movie man it is revealed he's Dumbledore's little brothers and you'd have fool me three times I don't give a shit like you don't even like you

you say he's one thing you say he's another but the third time I no longer care so now at the end of at the end of Grindle Wall's rally after he talks about World War II the horrors show up

and they're like everybody's under arrest all these wizards do that fun like float away thing which I always like that effect and it's a pretty badass like escape pod situation. They all bounce except for some

and then Grindelwald is like I'm gonna make a cool blue fire and only bad guys can go inside the blue fire and good guys have to stay outside of it because that's all this movie is like good guys and bad guys and we only know that they're good guys

because they say they are and we only know that they're bad guys because they say they are. I think Grindlewald is the good guy. X-Men did that in a fucking three-minute scene in the first fucking movie. movie. So all these bad guys start going inside this circle. This one guy who's barely a character

who you thought was a good guy, oh bad guy, burns up in a blue flame, which is kind of fun. Well, he's the dude who like earlier in the film, uh, Grindelwald's like, hey man, if I told you right now to go into the ministry of magic and fucking shoot that dude in the head, would you do it? Yeah. And he like doesn't say anything. And it's like, it's never actually revealed like if this dude's just Like on the fence about being evil, is he undercover maybe? Who could care? Who could know? He fucking evaporates.

And Queenie at this point decides to go with Grindelwald and was like, oh my God. And she's been barely a character of this movie. So like, you know. Makes sense. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't what the fuck? She only wants to be with her husband or Dan Fogel who's like, dude, come on. Let's do it.

Let's hang out. Yeah. It's kind of a bummer. Like, there's some good acting from him here. Oh, sure. You know, he's like, again, he's trying to like. prevent her from walking through it and she's like not having it and then leadle estranged is the last one you think she's going to go in because she says she's evil yeah but then she uses it as a double

she's being a double she's lying about being a double she's trying to buy time for her heroes she says i love you to both uh newt and his brother and you're not sure like if this is a good movie you'd be like oh my god who did she really mean it to but it's not who cares i think she meant the other brother what the other brother yeah yeah no i i think that's But I think she was like doing some brother fucking, I think, a little bit. Oh, really? Yeah. But I think she was like, you know, I can't get the one dude, so I'll get the brother kind of a situation.

Oh, I see. That's like to be called why Stephen Baldwin was ever laid in the 1980s. Oh. Yeah. That's a great theory. No, I mean, I think you're right. Yeah. See more in my book. Can I call you Alec?

We have to watch one of these days. Or Daniel. We probably have to do it. No, cabin, shut out. I go Daniel over Stevens. Sorry, people. Well, Daniel was in, what, Fair Game and Slither?

No, no, that's Williams. Malhalla, not Mahon Drive, Mahalind Falls. Yes. Daniel's also in several VH1 rehab shows. Daniel's the fat one. Let's just, let's all call you. I saw him on the fat show on VH1. The fat show.

I don't know it was like club fat. What I don't think it was called club fat, but I wish it was. It was like him and like Dr. Drew was just like, dude, what's going on with this? Celebrity weight loss? Something like that. I would be on club fat.

They would put me on the TV show. Gary Busey was on that as well. Oh, my Lord. So, yeah. But in any event, she's dead. She means nothing. She sacrifices herself for the team. What I was going to say is we have to watch three some one day.

Oh, yes. That is Stephen Baldwin, right? That is Stephen Baldwin. And that might be an episode. Or is William Baldwin. No, it's Stephen. It's Stephen. Yeah, I think it's Stephen.

You're right. Oh, God, but it could be. You know what? The three-sum should be both of them and a lady. Oh, dude, that's... Or a man. That's twisted. Are you now looking up if Stephen Baldwin was in threesome? Yes. I am.

We're all looking it up. It was. He was in threesome. I was about to say, well, in the... 1994. Who's the other guy? I don't know, Cabin. I already fucking close it. Daniel Baldwin was in club fat. Oh, you mean the other guy in the threesome?

Here's the other guy. Here's the other guy. So the lady part of the threesome is Larifflin Boyle. And then you got walking and talking Josh Charles. Oh, well, hold on. Now I'm confusing it with another movie, which is, oh, the movie Three of Hearts, which has William Baldwin in it. Can we start saying, Billy, that's what's confusing.

That's Billy Baldwin is. And Kelly Lynch. And is it Larifflin Boyle again? No. Sherilyn Finn. It gets very twisted. And you're not, but you're not thinking about three to tango. No, I'm not.

No, but that's another movie about three ways. That's Matthew Perry, Neff Campbell, and Dylan McDermott. Yeah, okay. Now we've got all of our three-sum movies. And then you two, Mama Tamien to round it out for the international audience. The best of the three-sum movies. All right. Oliver Platt, by the way, also in three-to-tango.

I don't think he gets in on the three-way. He's that tangoing anywhere. Why can't I play? No, I think he's a two-step man. It's him crying behind a window. So, like, this, so basically all the, the bad guys escape and all the good guys are like I'll get you next time

bad guys what's stupid that was like so there's all this like evil blue flame flying around and only some of these G men fucking scoot out with like the little spell some of these guys are just getting wrapped up in this fire and I was like do the spell the rookies man rookie mistake oh shit

yeah and then this fucking old this illuminated pervert shows back up wait you're skipping it's going to take down Paris itself yours you're skipping what I believe to be and I hope you guys agree with me the worst line of the movie is

Grindal Wald realizes he's got a fucking shit and get like today is not the day so he's ready to do his little spell and whatnot and Johnny Depp just goes I hate Paris oh dude poof he goes and Paris hates you you fucking

scumbag don't let the fucking door hit you on the way out yeah we fucking hate you in Paris I hope the Australians eat your damn dogs. Yeah, we fucking hate you in Australia. In any event. Yes. The blue flame is happening.

There's an illuminated prayer. It's like, I know how to stop it. We all have to put our wands in the ground. And it's kind of a cool visual, but to what end? It's like 27 seconds. And then when you realize after these like little dragons are defeated and whatever, you're like, oh, oh shit. Yeah.

This movie's over with it. I was like, oh, no, that was it? Yes. There's a fucking clan rally and then a dragon explodes. Yeah. Clan rally. Yes. There was like an anti-war movement.

Yeah. Depends upon how you're looking at it, buddy. Looks like someone's fallen in line with Grindle Wall. I would be with, honestly, again, based on only in this movie, I am with Grindle Wall. We'll see what happens next to. Maybe your opinion changes. So we get to, we go back to Hogward. and Knutzkommander's like,

oh, I gotta have hang out with Dumbledore. Let me roll up with like 14 people and you guys have to wait in the fucking woods. Dude, obviously, Steve, you never rolled up with a posse. That's how this works. You get up there and it's like, I'll take it from here. You guys hang back.

Sure. The classic hang back maneuver. Right, so they can flank. There's a bunch of people that don't deserve to be in this posse though. Specifically, I'm, thinking about, you know who's featured here? Did you notice this? Maybe not.

That fucking old son of a bitch from the jailbreak at the beginning of the movie that he throws in the river. Oh, really? The fuck's that guy doing there? I thought he was dead. No, remember he falls and he does the, he catches his wand.

And he does a spell right before he hits the water. Oh, stupid. Just that any fucking pig face meet Dumbledore? I think Bucket Man would be a worthy adversary, right? Yeah, right? How do you think they got there?

Like you charge him and then he just throws the bucket on your head and then your head is gone it's in Paris That's that's Dumbledore's cousin Is the bucket man Decapitus

Yes dude Heads need to roll So it's like oh wow Newt you did really good It's like well you're my sixth grade teacher you told me to go to fucking Paris and kill people So that's what I did

By the way here's your promise ring Well yes that's the thing It's like oh my little platypus friend Stole something from Grindlewall And I was like wait what And it's this, the blood pack that they made, which you find out is like, he's like, you can't attack Grinelwalt so long as this exists, right? And he's like, that's actually true.

Yeah. It's why Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton couldn't fight each other for a while. It's because they had that vial of blood that they both wore. Same magic. So then, you know, Newt's commander is like, well, can this thing be destroyed? And Jude Law is like, I don't know, Newt's commander, tune in next time. and we'll find out. It's classic J.K. Rauling.

Now there's this jewel we've got to destroy. And you know what? I bet you in the next movie, destroy that jewel. You got to get another jewel. And then go to another. You're going to find a book to read the jewel. It's like a horrocks dude.

There is a beast that is protecting the jewel. Or a grand wizard or God, who knows? Grand wizard. Yeah. You've got to go back to Alabama. I told you. So then we're told that Grins. Randallwald is hiding in Austria now.

Very suspicious. Grand wizard, I say again. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not Nazi Germany or anything like that. Plus that's, you know, 1933. It was a little ways off. It's coming, but yeah, not yet. So he's in this, like, sick fucking Bond villain

palatial estate in Austria. And he gives Credence a wand. And he's like, hey, man, like, here's what you really are. You, as it turns out, credence your name isn't the boy you are Aurelius Dumbledore Bambon, bam my god

it's Dumbledore's brother you guys One of Dumbledore's brothers Wow I am That's my reaction No that's my reaction to it I actually give a shit about Dumbledore Me my only exposure to Dumbledore

So far has been he's like He was like the old teacher in the first film Yeah That's all I know He's running operatives but I mean like It just doesn't like to have the brother Who cares? And I mean, I do understand, like, to the point, like, I'm a comic book nerd, blah, blah, blah.

Like, but I think, like, stuff like the guy who created the Sorcerer Stone, for example. Yeah, like, Nicholas Flanel or whatever, yeah. If there's that movie, in a comic movie, it's like, oh, cool, that's, I don't know, let me just pick up a random, like, oh, the Adam isn't, no, that's, that's DC, a Marvel. Sorry, it's going to take me 20 minutes. No, just like, just like, you know, if it was, if it was, how can you not name a thing? Take me a second. Oh, my God, I'm on the spot. No, if it's...

Spider-Man? Iron fist. All right. Iron fist. Okay. Like, one guy just happens to be Iron-Fist, and he helps them, and he's wearing the outfit, and he's like, I'm Iron Fist. I'm like, they would at least, like, kind of set him up a little bit.

It's not like, here's some incredibly baroque name and this guy that you could barely understand until you read the Wikipedia entry, who this guy's supposed to be. You know what I mean? Or, and even in his doings, it's not like, and then I created a follow. Philosophist don't. Like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. This movie is riddled with shit like that.

It's a straight up, like, for the fans thing. And I mean, this isn't because it's like, okay. You know that, like, the Dumbledore lineage creates powerful wizards. This wizard is on the side of Grindlewald. Sure. And there's no blood pack between Aurelius and Albus Dumbledore. But also, there's Abbeforth Dumbledore who we meet in the Harry Potter movies, played by Sierin Hins or Heinz, whatever that dude.

and he's just like this fucking pissed off bar keep that hates albus dumbledore manse radar yeah kind of a little bit yeah um and that's what i thought it was at first because if you're a dumbledore and i was like oh wait now he's he grows up to be like a lonely drunk and it's like no orelius a different one exactly the secret hidden one that you didn't know about all right cool yeah you didn't know your fucking brother was on the titanic such a messy finish because like then all that happens is Ezra Miller like does a little bit of wand magic and knocks down a mountain and you're like okay all right well I guess I'll see in fucking 2020 then goddamn fantastic fucks way to go yep yep it's so sloppy and it's trying to be

like oh ended on a negative note like an empire situation it's not though I mean I don't even know if it's negative where the fuck is Fogler yeah exactly I mean I know does he go to does he get to go to Hogwarts? I think he's just in the background waiting for a minute. It's like, no, no, no, you've got to stand at this line. We're going to walk past into these trees. You cannot come. Stay here with the sack of creatures. Go to level four, muggle parking

only. You just pray, Dumbledore doesn't see you. You'll hate your face. Werewolves and centaurs on level two. Bing! Are they in there? Level one, wizards.

Level zero, Klan members. Yeah, there's werewolves in this world, man. Really? There's a werewolf. There's a warwolf who's like a major character

in the Harry Potter. And they're hanging out with fucking Buicks. I don't know. Why did you have such a problem with the flying car? Who cares? I don't like, I just don't.

Wizard? You belong in olden times. I don't want you. That's the problem, dude. You're just living in the fucking stony. With your gay. end-offs and you're whatever the fuck else.

Oh, wizard listening to the radio. Shut up. I don't know. I'm sure it's fine. I'm going to go through the movies after we've done this. Twitter said I should remain ignorant for comedy values. Because they want to keep you fucking stupid, dude. Don't let them dictate your life, dude. Better yourself.

No, it'll make you stupider. Don't worry. Everything makes you stupid. And that's it. I mean, that's the end of this sloppy, ass fucking chock full of too much movie man yeah uh i like these movies uh i like those all those harry potter movies when the first fantastic piece is like yeah i'm okay i i kind of feel like it's it's a one and done i feel like we are if they do if they make all five of these movies so that'll

take us to like 2026 or 28 i'm not going to do the math right now i guarantee you after that fifth movie we are rebooting harry potter and we're doing the whole i guarantee yeah i think he's right Maybe I'll just wait for that. Because the candle has to keep burning in franchise town. Yeah. And it's just kind of depressing that all of these actors, you have to be in two to three franchises at once. You've got to be in a Harry Potter.

You've got to be in a Marvel. You've got to be in a Star Trek. You've got to be in a whatever. You've got to have three of fucking candles burning at all times. I still do not know. To this day, we had fucking goddamn eight Harry Potter movies. Sure. Not a single one of them had Hugh Grant.

I know. What the fuck are you thinking? He's Paddington only. Listen, we have three more of these. fucking fantastic beast movies left. They're going to 2024. Find a space for Hugh Grant. See how awesome he was in Paddington, too. I think they're waiting for him to be

old Dumbledore and fucking Harry Potter won in 2030. No, dude, you're just fucking aging up, Jude Law. Aging it up. I would not recommend it. I don't enjoy this thing. Yeah, this was horrible. It was the first, I will say

it's the first of these that I just downright hated because there were so much fucking story and fucking like explaining what's happening and I'm like I could not care less

like what I liked about these things but they moved like is like you know I was with them with new stuff happening like I didn't have to have everything explained to me all the time but yeah I hated it

don't watch it I would also say no I don't have any exposure to this but El Topo is mentioned earlier and go watch that that's a great movie and get in touch with me if you know the occult or the dark arts

because I have a use for it right now honestly I want to learn black magic I really do I don't want to get too far into like the book you whatever whatever Belzebub layers I don't want to give up my soul or anything you don't want to deal with the devil dude

no but I do want to touch the nether plane how many animal livers are you willing to handle it once bend over and I'll show you I'd say 50 okay that's a weirdly high number high number I'm alone here and that's fine

I'd recommend this I you know here's the thing I was disappointed in this I didn't hate it I like playing in this world I like just being in the wizarding world sorry Steve that's what it's called

I didn't make it up fucking make me furious but I just I you know I like these movies I didn't like this one because I just thought it was fucking messy and it's like three goddamn stories in one and you can't concentrate in anything

and it's not to say like in those other movies, Harry Potter's in every fucking scene, but like, you gotta have more Newt Scamander in this movie. He's on every fucking poster. He's the dude that runs the fantastic beasts. Like, that's the thing. And it's just, it was a bad script.

I know that she's already gonna write like this third one. Like, I don't know. You gotta get somebody in there to silently doctor it. Like, see what Elaine May's up to. Maybe she'll take a look at. Ooh, I like that. I don't know. I mean, get a script. You have to get a script doctor.

Somebody has to be, I know she's a billionaire, and we're all terrified of those people. You've got to say no. Well, that's the thing. Nobody, she, that's what this whole franchise is. It's like, the first one was, she wrote all these books and was like, hey, here's the movie rights. Yep. She had some, she had a lot yes and no.

This one, whenever they wrote the fucking Fantastic Beast Contracts, like, I'm writing every movie. I'm involved in every casting decision. And yes, Johnny, I'm going to triple down on Johnny Depp, domestic abuse allegations are no. And it's like, yeah. And that's a problem because I'll tell you what, Richard Harris fucking passed away. that second movie and you brought in Michael Gambon and everything was fine. Just pretend he's fucking dead. That's what

I do. That's what I do. I watch Nightmare and Elm Street in 1984 and I'm like, it's a bummer that dude's dead. Who would you cast in replacing Johnny Dead? Hugh Grant. I just saw that coming. I would go Guy Fierre.

Oh, I mate, it's me Grindlewald. Way, hey, who? It's just one of those things where it's like that first Fantastic Beast's movie. He's literally Colin Farrell for everything but like the last shot of the film. So like just make him transform into another person.

Get Jude Law to play him to. Oh, nice. There you go. There's Dumbledore and Grendewald. And also go see the Friends of Eddie Coyle. It's on criteria. It's a fucking great movie. That is Fantastic Beast.

The Crimes of Grindalwald directed by David Yates. If you want more we hate movies, check out WHM podcast. Or head over to patreon.com slash we hate movies for all sorts of bonus things, including the news show, Gleap Glouclery, a Star Wars story where we fruitlessly go through all sorts of little gleep-glop characters. Yes, the Star Wars Expanded Universe. If you like the Wizarding World, I think this would be up your alley. That's right. Please check it out. And we have our February bonus app about to drop pretty soon on Bad Boys. Oh shit. what you're going to do when they come for you

It's annoying I believe some people in the room Consider that a WLM I got to rewatch it but I'm curious As far as memory serves me This is a WLM at the time of this recording January the 30th in 2019 So keep that in mind

I don't think I've seen the first movie since high school I don't even know That second one is an old-ass episode though Remember we did that a hundred years ago 100 years ago But speaking of Back when we were all Colin Farrell. Oh, boy, now we're Johnny Depp.

Looks like it's suicide again for me. Speaking of new episodes, we hate movies, as always, rolls on next week. Steve Sadek, on the main feed, what are we talking about? We are talking about what women want. Oh, fuck, I forgot. Yeah, dude. Oh, man.

This is a Mel Gibson. Speaking of problematic faves, dude. Oh, man. And this is, of course, because the remake is coming out with Taraji P. Henson. What Men Want. Yes. Okay, so Helen Hunt is in that, right? Yes, Helen Hunt. It's Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt.

Judy Greer is about to commit suicide in that movie. Oh, that's funny. Remember he saves her? She's having dark thoughts, dude. Wow, that's what women want. Death. Well, when you're fucking working around Mel Gibson, I bet. So until next week, when we find out what women want, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Kavan. Eric Siskiske, Scamander. Take it easy.