We Hate Movies - S9 Ep406: Episode 406 - Valentine

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang is dragging out the Hallmark holiday for one more day to chat about the ridiculous romantic slasher, Valentine! Why couldn't they style David Boreanaz's character differently so he didn't look exactly like Angel? Where was the faculty at that school dance? And who would let this deadbeat internet startup guy crash at their house? PLUS: Wallace Shawn stars in Die Hard! Valentine stars David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Katherine Heigl, and Fulvio Cecere; directed by Jamie Blanks. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, please shoot as many arrows as you'd like through my heart because it's Valentine. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zid, Akris, Kabbin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to We Hate Movies, this is a show where we make fun of movies,

good, bad, and otherwise. This week, it's Valentine from 2001, directed by Jamie Blanks, who you may remember, or you definitely don't. As the director of Urban Legend, previous episode. He also directed a very bad remake of Long Weekend. Which is one of those first big, like, nature horror movies. Yeah, yeah, no, he directed a remake of it?

There's a remake of it, yeah. Was it also called that? Yes, it was. Weird, I missed that one. Very bad, very bad. Well, oh, Jamie Blanksman, a bad movie. By the way, Urban Legend Superior Film. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think so. Show of hands who saw us in the theater. That's, there is one hand, one hand raised. It's the guy who asked the question. This was, because this was, again, like, I love horror movies. And this came out in 2001.

I was working at the multiplex man. And this was a, oh my God, it's a horror movie I can see for free. The post-scream boom was just, it really just took over for a while. This is a part of it. And we were talking about that on Urban Legend that like the post-scream, whatever. This movie, it's interesting, though, because it's not meta like those movies are. It's more in your classical 80s, Hollywood or holiday slasher, I should say. Yes, it feels like that.

And that's actually what I asked before we got on the air. I was like, is this a remake of a movie that came out in 1984? Yes. Like with a nice soft focus. And then you see some old lady in a wheelchair knitting and some like plinky piano. Yes, yeah. And it may or may not be dubbed. Yeah, exactly.

That's like Campbell's Tomato Soup. Yes. We'll always be together forever. Yes. This movie is missing a weird song. Yes. Oh, there's plenty of weird songs. songs, baby.

New Metal Fest. No, I know. But, like, yes, it's, it's got plenty of terrible weird songs. I just mean, like, like, a sing-songy, you know. Something with a theremin. Yeah, or like a one, two, Freddy's fucking with you kind of song, you know. I think this was, speaking of Post, scream booms, me being a diehard screamhead and seeing those, uh, I know, the, I know it,

you did a verse at theaters and all those scream movies at theaters. I think I was out at this point. I think I was finally I had just I turned in my card I was like you know what guys you got me Scream 3 kind of broke me I think a little bit Scream 3 was after this though was it okay Er no was it 2000 it was 2000 excuse me

it was 2000 I was I probably did give up on it but I don't know if it was here because I just didn't think this was a interesting idea like I don't really care Someone's taking their love of Valentine's a little too far Like our urban legends again has the meta factor and it had bigger stars than this did. Well, that's what this needs?

Oh, big time. Fucking, what is Denise Richards doing in this movie? Being 37 years old. Exactly. Well, the thing about this movie is at least it's not, like, we're post-college. That's true. These are like young 20-somethings,

which, again, Denise Richards certainly wasn't at this point. I mean, I'm not looking at her age. She might have been 20, whatever. I mean, neither was David Snorriannis. Oh, there it is. I told us. I mentioned on what women want that I would fucking say that dumb joke, so here we are.

um no i mean nobody is age appropriate i don't think yeah but at least we're not in high school we're not talking we're not studying for exams except for katham hegel but she's in med school so it's a little different right you know we're not like in chemistry class but they have they do have that like we live in somehow we still live near each other and see each other all the time that's a friend's thing we're like we're we're meeting each other for breakfast like the fuck are you get the fuck out of my house ross i am trying to go to work Do not come to my fucking house before work. I don't know.

I wouldn't even unlock the door. Dude, is that your fucking brother again? Oh my. Is that your fucking creepy brother? Your fucking brother who wants to fuck me or did fuck me or fuck me again. Depending on what season we're talking about. Is that your fucking brother that knocked me up? I brought donuts.

That's the other thing, dude. He is rarely bringing shit over. He's just eating her out of house and home. So this movie, it is your standard who done it, A group of friends is being bumped off by a fucking pig and a cherub mask. And like, I cannot stand. This is, I guess, it is in that 80s vein because it's just a mask and we're not making a character in the slightest. It is your standard.

There was a kid who was humiliated as a child and now he's just murdering them. Try to guess which adult is the little kid. Question. There you go. um better uh horror costume closer to iconic which neither of them are yes urban legend your ski outfit or this dumb cherub mask i like the dumb i like a mask yeah urban legend it was like a fencing mask underneath that thing or something at least at least the cherub mask like you can see if this movie was good and or successful like uh-oh cherub mask is coming back baby what would

you call it right oh cherub's back well that's one of the best jokes to me I guess Cupid would be back I guess he's like oh he's stupid's bare Yeah oh yeah Oh there it is I mean that's one of the funnier jokes to me in Happy Death Day is that the mask is just a baby mask

And like the killer just goes around with the baby mask killing people It's funny I missed Happy Death Day And a lot of people said that I should watch it It's good and et cetera et cetera Yeah And I didn't and then I saw the trailer for Happy Death Day 2 And it's spoiled Happy Death Day And I'm like oh man

I had the same thought. It was on my, low on my list, but it was on my list for sure. And I'm like, oh, well, that's what the movie. Oh, man. And it was a weird thing where I had no choice because I was at a trade screening for Glass. Yeah. And both movies are universal. Yeah.

And so they always do like a trailer for like whatever their next one will be. Yeah. So before Glass started, it was happy death day to you. And I was like, oh. Well, all right. Because they even say like, and then the killer wound up being so and so. And I'm like, well, what the fuck? Yeah, I mean, the good thing is also there's just been way too much booze and drugs at this.

Yeah, that's a really good plan on. I don't remember anymore. I'll say, by the way, domestic gross for this movie was released February 2nd, 2001. So by the way, well done, that you were timed in the right month of your, what the holiday is. If you're not released Valentine on fucking Valentine's Day, you're in trouble. But couldn't you just see it coming out in fucking August? Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Couldn't you just. So February 2nd, Domestic Grose for this piece of shit. 20 million, 20.3, almost $20.4 million. Sure. Okay. The scream heads were showing up, dude. You're almost breaking even there.

Because this thing costs $10 million. Yeah. And like you're like marketing. With marketing and everything like foreign sales. Truck drivers did to move the prints. You never count in the truck drivers. Yeah. And you may be breaking even there, but like.

So we open on a high school. This is like kind of intercut with the credits. And we're also like, here's my question. Yeah. We're showing the, it's kind of, did I get this right? So they're showing like high school or middle school yearbook pictures of the main cast, but then they're cutting to these teenage cast who's not the same people, right? Yes.

That's insane. They were high school pictures of the actors. Is that what you're saying? Yes. They would show like Catherine Hegel in like high school. Oh. And they cut to like some other girl who's supposed to be Catherine Hegel. I'm like, well, what the fuck?

Oh, I didn't even notice that. That's a stupid idea. can't do that thing then yeah that's that's a really stupid idea i didn't even put that together it's such a botch job like like i don't know troy in the credit fucking house was like oh you know it'd be cute send me everybody's middle school yearbook picture well it's even stupider because it's while the like the casting is being i'm like this is katherine higel katherine higel i'm like i fucking get it but then like and then it's like some other girl was like that's not katherine fucking Hegel. That's really weird. I was not paying attention to that at fucking all. So we're at a

middle school Valentine's Day dance. Yeah. And it's this kid with like fucked up teeth. I mean, that's, it's the worst he's got going for him. That's just, he is yet to have braces. Sure. The audacity. I, I still have fucked up teeth. He looks like he just got into a fight with Colossus for some reason. Like he looks like he just got this shit beat up. It's got like a nose thing. And there's like a cut. up here. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's right. He's kind of fucked up. I think of the thing is like he was Colossus, by the way. I mean, I think it's the thing where he's, he was bullied, is the notion. And he's going up to every girl and he's like, do you want to be my, is he saying do you want to be my Valentine? No, do you want to dance? You want to dance? Because we're to dance.

And like, everyone was like, no, you're gross and like that kind of thing. Right. Which it's like, I think it's not, you know what? I think it's inappropriate to make children celebrate Valentine's day. I'll put that right out. Sure. Let that pressure. It's a fake holiday. It's a fake holiday. anyway. It's a holiday for people who want to fuck. Children don't fuck. Or shouldn't. You know what? I'll amend that or shouldn't. Sure. And

just like literally move. Like we could just have it like you could, the teacher can say happy Valentine's Day and that is it. Unlike your sequel legislation, I'm on board for this. Yeah, totally. I'm totally on for this. Because like there shouldn't be a thing where everyone in class has to do a Valentine and there's

like mailboxes or any of that shit. That whole thing. And it's the fucking, it's the fucking, it's The Simpsons episode with Ralph Wiggum. Why don't we need sexual rejection in the fucking second grade? To get ready for it later. Exactly. And I did. I mean, it was a portent of things to come, but still.

We're still working on friendships here, everybody. Let's just fucking get that done. I just learned to kind, I kind of just learned how to make a friend. It's like, please God. Now, figure out which one of your friends you want to fuck. At eight years old. But no, I think that's sort of part of it. It's like the heterosexual count.

shows up as a well everybody there's this thing called heterosexuality that's what you all are so you better give a valentine which is a love thing to a girl or a boy and if you're not hetero you're going to hell it's also that bullshit thing where you see people i mean i see people my own age doing it now where it's like if they have a kid yeah that little kid is like standing next to another little kid of the opposite gender and it's like oh is that your boyfriend yeah are you gonna get I'm married. Please stop. Leave it on the fuck alone.

It's embarrassing. Stop embarrassing yourself. Stop embarrassing your child. Stop embarrassing society. These kids don't need romance in their lives. They're fucking, their children. Leave embarrassment out of it. Ruin them.

Stop ruining them. No more than two years ago, that kid stopped pissing the bed. Exactly. Romance should be way far off. Fuck Valentine's Day for kids. Me too, two years. Two years dry, my friend. Wow.

Congratulations. The rubber sheet. The sheets worked? Yeah, they did. I figured it out. Awesome. Watch it, kid. The rubber sheets are packed already.

Uncle Frank. He's humiliated girl to girl. Everyone's like, no, you're disgusting. One of them says, in your dreams, loser. Well, it's very like the sick burn. The main girl is like, no thanks. Like she doesn't Amy Adams answer. Oh, thank you so much for your offer.

But no. Maybe later. Oh, thanks. Which is a totally acceptable. No, that's exactly how she had. I mean, yeah, if you don't want to do it, like, no, maybe later, you know. You fucking ugly, gross thing. And he does the thing where he's like, oh, maybe later.

And he's like kind of excited about like that. That happened to me once with a buddy of mine when I was in the first grade. He was like, I'll see you later. And the whole day, I was like, when is he coming over my house? Oh, my God. Yeah, it was the first time I've ever heard the phrase, see you later. And I was like, well, it's later now. I guess that's weird.

Is this mom going to bring? I'm just baffled. Should I make food or they bring food over? He said, see me later, but he didn't mention anything about having a meal. Oh, I am just confused. Mom, do we have cheese doodles? This could be a real mess in a minute. Hey, mom, I think someone's coming over.

Keep the door a jar? Yeah, so that happened. But, yeah, but no, he'll see you. I'll talk to you later. Well, maybe later. She's like, oh, maybe later. And then he goes up to this girl, who's the fat girl, by the way. Fat girl.

who's just like a girl. I mean, this poor, like young actress because she has to be known as the fat girl in the movie. Well,

you're making millions working on Valentine. Oh, yeah. So it's all worth it. So he's like, hey, do you want to dance? And she's like,

yeah, sure, because like she's like sitting on the bleachers like a loser too. And like, they dance. And then they start,

they start fucking like going to town under the bleachers. I couldn't believe it. I don't think we see them dance. I think it cuts directly from them. No,

I'm pretty sure on this. They cut from him like holding her hand. Oh, there's hand holding. And then they go right to under the bleachers where they're making out. Yes. And just fifth base in fucking sixth grade, man. Yeah. It's like two kids, one tongue. I mean, it's outrageous. This making out that we have to watch. Super weird. And the question of the dance is, are there any chaperones? Which it leads into the rest of this movement. But like right here even like,

they're in plain sight well they're under the bleachers that's the opposite of place close to plain sight well you're not going to have like a bleacher detective where's the homely English teacher to be like it's okay son one day you'll get your wet willy she's busy

making out with the gross janitor they're under the other bleachers so then like these boys come up fucking disgusting boys yes and they start like laughing and whatever they're called her mammoth or something like that or some sort of or like some just you know a fat slur yeah and uh you know one of the guys is like

oh did he attack you and she's like uh yeah yeah he attacked me here's the thing about like maybe i'm forgetting this but like i think you don't even fight you don't hear that in the beginning you don't hear that till the end like it goes from no you definitely do you do okay because they because they yeah they rush them out like it's a bunch of pack of them and then the boys just start stomping on him after a bowl of punch is dumped on his head carry style for sure it's a very similar shot but they are like curb stomping this kid where is anyone where is a gym teacher where's a fellow student to help this kid when did robert de Niro joe pesci and ray leo to show up from fucking good fellas they're beating this kid down in the ocean hitting him with a phone

go get your fucking shine box it's like what and like again there's no teacher at all no like you i guess in like middle school you can get a punch off before like it gets pulled off oh there were fights but like it was diffused after a fashion can i tell you the best fight that i've ever seen in it was in high school went to an all boys catholic school yeah explains a lot doesn't involve x-men no it does not colossus is not involved but uh it was almost like colossus fighting the juggernaut because the two fattest kids in the school The lunch, for whatever reason, it was like kind of a campus, but the lunch was on top of like a hill, like a pretty steep hill. And these two kids were rolling down the hill punching each other.

Oh my God, it's like Mission Impossible. It's fantastic. I can see it so clearly in my head. I was like, oh my God, I'm not going to say their names now, but I was like, holy fuck, they're fighting. And it was just like this huge thing. And the hill still stand? It did. Hey, guys, it's the match of the century.

It really was. And everyone, it was one of those things where, like, you get, like, telekinesis, like, the hair on the back of your neck stands up. You're like, there's a fight. And you turn around exactly to it. That's, I mean, that, I recall that exact feeling, dude, when a fight broke out, whether it was the cafeteria or whatever, you were like, spiky senses, there's a fucking fight! You know, that's weird because I was the fat kid in my class, and I had to fight with the other fat kid in my class. Oh, really? And I lost.

Oh, you lost? I lost immediately. I thought you're going to say it was the lowest rated fight of that school. I mean, the critics were pretty harsh. I'm saying, by the way, I was a fat kid. I was definitely in the running. But I was not a fighter. Absolute best in high school fight I ever saw.

It was one of the fucking most amazing spectacles I've ever seen in my life. A fight was going down in a cafeteria. And, you know, it was that thing where immediately it was like, fine, you know, and the circle was formed. And a teacher came in. and like not tackled but like got one of the kids you know was because like these guys were really going at it sure and the teacher like grabbed the kid it was like no no no no no and like they kind of fell to the ground or something this kid stood up and threw the teacher off him

and the fight continued dude it was i mean it was like pay-per-viewed i couldn't even believe it Did Yokozuno get in after? Lex Lugar was finally the one to body slam Yokozun at the end of the fight. Yeah, he went right through the lunch table. So this happens and we cut, that's kind of like our cold open as the credits are going. Right. We're told 13 years later, lucky 13.

And it's Catherine Heigel. At this point, Roswell's Catherine Heigle, is on a date with some guy who's like a snooty, rich. Jason. Jason. Dude, he's talking to the third person. Oh, that's right. And let me tell you,

if you ever needed a slasher to come out of somewhere and fix somebody, it's someone that speaks in the third person. And he's got like spinach on his teeth. He's like a real, like, snotty dick. And like, she's clearly not into him at all. And, like, they're on a date. And she's, like, shutting him down pretty nicely.

And then she does a check, please. Yeah. And, but the guy, and I mean, this never happens in the movie after this, but the guy gets the check. Did anyone else hear this? Did anyone else have their fucking stereo on? Maybe.

He gets the check. He opens and he looks at it and he goes, and there's a cash register sound. No. I'm not kidding you. Like, it's a fucking earnest movie. There is a cash register sound because he's shocked for the price.

Okay, pause this. I have to go back home and watch this movie again. It is worth rewatching. That's the craziest thing. I was watching with my wife. I was like, did you just fucking hear this thing? Hear what?

I was like, turn it up. And he's just like, Oh, check. Cha-chings. And then, man, he does talk about fucking clenching your asshole. The, well, you had the pasta and I had the set. Listen, listen, folks at home, if you're on a date with anyone. Sure.

And they start doing that, dump that person immediately. That is the fucking worst thing. The only thing you could do is either, it's totally fine to split, by the way. If you're on a date. Go and touch. Yeah, just like, oh, you know, split it? You look, you do that. You don't split it, you know.

Man, but the you had the... We're not even friends anymore. No, I just cannot. I cannot stand cheapness in general, but restaurant cheapness like that, oh, fuck me running. It's one of the things why I will, President Company excluded, I will not like, I don't like to go out to dinner with large groups. You know what I mean? Like, because you'll always get the one guy that's like, well, I was like, split, split, split. And the one guy's like, well, I only had that.

And I'm like, oh, fucking kill me dead. Shoot me in the fucking head right now. I had half a chicken wing. I don't know why. That's the thing is like, oh, you got that appetite, but I only had one of those dumplings. So if you take, so the dumpling was $12 was the order. You know what, I'll pay for it. Yeah, you know what?

I'm just going to pay for it. How about that? But also, like, you also have to trust to be with, look, if I'm, if we're out to dinner for some reason and like, there's like, probably to eat. Yeah, probably to eat. There's like some crazy specialty cocktail that's like $40 and I order it. I'm at the end when we're doing split it's like, oh yeah. And then put another, I got the crazy thing, put that on my, you know, it's me. I'll handle the tip.

Yes, exactly. I'll handle the tip. Because I'm like the crazy guy. That's the move. But for the most part, we're just splitting and just shutting the fuck up. But no, he's like. Anyway, this date that she's on. She's on this date, whatever.

And like, it's this weird thing where like, so like, it happens. And she's like leaving him in the restaurant. And in the restaurant, the guy is like, what? No kiss. I'm not going to fucking kiss you in a restaurant. Just making out the dining room. Get out of here. The fuck out.

Jason. I get really turned on by hostesses. Jason fucks in public. So she goes back to school. She's a med student. We're told at this point, by the way, because the credits are still rolling. I think this is very important to mention two things because it's insane. One of which is this totally generic garbage slasher movie is based on a novel. What?

I burst out laughing. Sure. Also, to write a slasher movie. in where it's about as formulaic as it could possibly be we've been making these since the fucking late 70s for screenwriters get the fuck out of here

for screenwriters for Valentine I will tell you though I guarantee you that novel it's got like it's like 300 pages there's 70 chapters and all of the chapter headings are obnoxious it's like dripping blood

or something yeah I thought you were going to say I remember I read an R.L. Stein book one time. It was one of like the Fear Street, like, deluxe ones. So, man, it was like 175 pages. Yeah. But every chapter, like the chapters alternated, the point of view of the narrator.

But so every, like, there were multiple chapters named Greg. You know, you get to like, oh, Greg's next chapter. So it was just to, like, signify when the point of view changed. Yeah. Maybe it was something like that in this. this movie and this novel. It's very possible. I think the novel probably, it probably opens like this where like she goes to her medical school. She's learned to be a doctor. Yeah. And she goes to cut open a cadaver. So I think it probably would be called Human Remains chapter one. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I like that. I like a chapter title. I always like in the, uh, the Halloween special font from the Simpsons. Yes. Exactly what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Uh, and so she's there. I also, I mean, like, Right in if you're a doctor.

I'm sure at least one doctor listening right now. I don't think when you're a med student, you just have carte blanche with corpses at all hours of the night without supervision. Like you can just like kind of start working on them. No, you absolutely can. Yeah, absolutely. Why don't just fool with a corpse. That's fine.

I mean, it's just as easy to throw away as like a piece of paper if you mess up. It's not like somebody loved that person. I feel like the corpse, it's corpse day or corpse unit. And you come in and like every week you're, working on this corpse. Right. And that's it. It's not like, I got to bone up on a corpse.

Right. It's like, yeah, you know what? I'm going to take off early. I got to get a couple reps in at removing someone's stomach. Well, speaking of boning up, a boning on a corpse. Yes. She starts flirting with the corpse. Oh, yes.

What is she saying? She's like, oh, well, you're the silent type. I like that. Yeah. Especially after that thing. I'm like, man, you are talking to somebody who's gone. Well, when you have a fucking date with third person, Jason, man, I don't know. I just feel like the first time you're a med student and you're working on a corpse,

you're like, am I going to fuck the sick? No, I'm not. And like, it's just that moment I'm like, no, I'm not. Am I going to touch his dick real quick? Well, that would be the real test. That's where I would start sweating is if I'm in this, I'm in the school, I'm like looking at a cadaver and they're like, okay, so you have to, you know, touch the body to know where things are. And then you're like, about to touch the genomes. I'm like, if I get turned on by this, I have to kill myself. That's exactly where I have to be. I'm sorry. Absolutely. That's where it is. And then that's your pouring sweat through your eyes. Like, oh, God. But it's great, though, because as you're committing suicide. That's what you call the sorting hat, by the way.

As you're committing suicide, though, you know that you're doing society a bit of good. Oh, sure. You're like, I'm taking one more necrophiliac off the face of the earth. Here we go. It's self-cancelling. And so, long story short, she hears a noise. Right. And you realize very quickly, by the way that she is the Drew Barrymore of this situation. Kind of a little red Drew Barrymore. Of course, because I think Roswell was like the same year

but kind of hadn't started yet or something. Yes, okay, so yeah, she was barely... Drew Barrymore was fucking Drew Barrymore. Yes, you knew was Drew Barrymore. And also Drew Barrymore, that scene, like, it's full of dialogue that, like, you remember and there's knowledge, you get a sense of the character. There's some fun movie trivia.

This, it's like, first she's like thinking about making out with this corpse and When this student, other student comes in and she thinks she's going to fuck him. Oh, that fucking weird guy. Oh, that weird guy's like, oh, shit, are we going to do this? Oh, wait, we're not. Okay, bye. Oh, I see you're in there with your corpse.

All right. Yeah, it's a noise and it turns out to be, it's a fake scare kind of. Yeah. It's like, hey, it's just Jimmy. He's like, don't worry. Well, bye, movie. Oh, it's just my, it's just Gerard de Pardotoo. What if he came back for this?

Oh, shit, if he was the killer. No, no, it's, it's Gerard de Par. This is actually a sequel to my father. of the hero. And this is how it ends. She's in med school. She gets cut up by some dude in a Valentine's Day scheme. Right. And now it's just a hard, hard-boiled Gerard de Pardue hunting down a kid to kill him.

Oh, he's taken. He's going to fucking kill you. You killed my daughter who I loved a lot. In a lot of different ways. I'm going to drown you in some wine. What is this for a mildewide? Oh, chok, chok, chok, chok, chok. Oh.

sweet already is she has a she finds herself a valentine oh yeah lewd valentines are a trend in this movie love's journey is an arduous uh track my love for you grows as you bleed from your neck nice he stole my shit it's my valentine goddames by christopher cabin uh you know admit a little little creeped out and also like if you're just leave if you're That's my move. I've actually lived in New York City my whole life. I've never been mugged. You know why? Because I always have that sense of like,

do I want to go down? I don't want to go to an alley. You know what I mean? It's like that moment of like, do if you have to ask the question, don't do it. Absolutely. So also I will say I have to give it to the slasher's like this cherub killer. You're putting in the effort to make

these very intricate obscene Valentine's. Sure. These are custom-made things, which is crazy when you think about the fact that this guy chooses to be like a serial murderer. Because what talent? What talent to make these custom cards? There's these cool little drawings and whatnot. For the longest time, I remembered David Snorriannis. I remember him being the killer. Right. And so the whole time I was just rewatching this, I'm like, he's making these cards. He's sitting down and like fucking paper. I don't know what kind of crafts is. And he's also making rice. I am, holy shit, that's pretty impressive. So, yes, all of a sudden she's being stalked by someone running around. We go into, like, the freezer room where there's all these body bags and whatnot, and the dude is, like, going through, clearly. This part's pretty cool, actually, I think. Yeah, like stabbing all the different body bags and shit.

And then, like, of course, instead of just stabbing the last one, he opens it, that's where Catherine Heigel is, throat cut. Well, he also has to make the Valentine come true. he's like, oh shit, you know what I'd remember on the card. Oh, yeah. Oh, I knew I shouldn't have been specific. God, damn it. Really fucking, now I'm married to this thing. Now I'm married to it.

Got to do the, got to cut her throat. I was doing the stabs. Now I got to stop the stabs. I got to do the slits. This is bad. He's dressed like a boondock saint with a cupid mask. He is. Very much is. We have the black turtleneck.

Yes. A duster. Some scenes there's a duster. Some scenes were without duster. Oh, maybe it's Steve Jobs. Sounds about right. Um, yeah, so then we're introduced to like some of the rest of the cast. The aforementioned Denise Richards.

And Mary Shelton from Grinley Shelton, I believe. I thought it was Mary. Is it Mary or Merley? I have no idea. Uh, the woman from Sugar and Spice. Yeah. And Grindhouse. Uh, bunch of others.

She's in the Tarantino grindhouse half. No, she's in the Robert Rodriguez. Oh, is she? Oh, okay. Um, oh, you're right. Marley Shelton. Excuse me. And, uh, they're going on speed dating because it's, uh, the year

2000. It's a year in 2001 and Denise Richards and Marley Shelton would need to go on speed dating to find someone to date. Jesus Christ and speed dating, man. How did this ever be a thing? I don't know why. I'm not sure if it's real. I really feel like it's something that movies made up

to, like, oh, I know people who have done it. I thought you were about to say you did it. I was asked to do it. Well, I have Oh, I remember this. Yeah, I know who we're talking about this. I was asked about this. I'm not doing it. You didn't participate. No, not going to do that. That's a good idea. I'd rather be lonely, thank you.

That was my motto from the year 2008 till 2014. You were born in 1983. And just meeting D-Bag after D-Bad. But I guess there was some sort of like licensing fee you had to pay the speed dating people because they call it turbo dating.

What? Yeah, dude. Maybe it's more extreme than speed dating. Like the time you have with each person is shorter. They're looking like they're fucking doing this at like a ponderosa buffet house. Oh totally. That's where they all do these. I mean, do you remember the scene in

40-year-old virgin is the same thing? It's just in like a shitty restaurant. It's in a shitty restaurant and they're just fucking doing like musical chairs. And we're doing it and what we learned from this part is that this movie wants to say the D-Bomb real bad. Like for no reason. The lesbian

slur, the D-Bomb. Oh, is that right? One of the guys is like, yeah, man, my girlfriend. It's the only black actor in the movie, period. A blue black person to talk and take breath in this film is like, oh, hey, you know, my girlfriend left me and I'm really good looking and blah, blah, blah. She's got to be it, right?

Oh, yeah, okay. And I'm like, okay, 2001, thanks for fucking nothing. Punch line. Yeah. But I thought, so here's my question because I don't know that I entirely understand what they're actually doing. Sure.

Are these two characters do, this like are they just having a laugh no i think that because as they're going in denise rich is like oh it's kind of fun blah blah blah by the way you have to get over adam who's her like her boyfriend oh sure you have to get you over adam so this will get you over adam you'll meet somebody nice here i think the idea is that they want if if they found somebody worth they do find somebody worth boning i guess yes exactly oh the one guy the one guy he's got a real fucking horse face though this guy yes he does i think he's in the credits is mr ed Yeah, he's like the good looking dude

He looks a lot like What's his face? The guy used to date Jennifer Aniston Tate Donovan Oh, he's like Tate Donovan If you stretched him out Looks like a member of the front street boys So they're in the parking lot

After the speed dating They're laughing at how ridiculous Of a time they just had You had a phone call Uh-oh Cut to Catherine Heigle's view call We meet David Boreannis Who shows up

Excuse me Oh snorianas, pardon me and he's he's Marley Shilton's alcoholic ex-boyfriend man and they are just gabbing about this guy's struggles with the bottle it's insane also guess what

David Boreannis or the movie Valentine and apparently like David Boreen they only had him for two weeks but this movie was shot 40 days yeah this is nothing actually he was there for a large chunk in the production time it was just a short production time but like

I understand you know he's on TV he can't get a haircut you need to dress this character differently And you need to style his hair differently I'm watching this fucking funeral Oh no Angel The sun's gonna burn you No it's not

Get out of that cemetery angel Didn't you see the shade on the tree He said so he's fine Don't worry about it The slight of Joss Whedon And your slight indirect sunlight Go fuck yourself Dude the fucking Angel Mobile

I can't even in the early seasons of that show The fucking Angel Mobile The thing that struck me more than that Was like they're like Oh man I'm sorry, God, it sucks. So who are you fucking? Yeah.

I'm like, I'm like, what the hell? It's insane because David Boreannis shows up at this fucking cemetery and he's like, hey, Marley Shelton, I know I'm a crippling alcoholic, but you want to go out on a date sometime? And I was like, dude, you are at a fucking cemetery right now. And nobody cares. We're kind of crack of jokes the second the funeral is over with. Well, we didn't even fucking kick the lever to lower into the ground.

She's still above ground He's wearing the duster He's got the collar going He's got the spikes It's looking perfect It's exactly the angel And he's even got the fucking Like the douchebag car

The big fat car Which by the way is parked In a graveyard I don't see anyone else park Like he just pulled up to the curb You do do that That's a real thing It's just ass

I mean it is ass driving In the cemetery dude Because you can't turn around So you got to go all the way down To like the end of it And roll back around I mean but like like also your

alcoholic ex-boyfriend is coming to this funeral like you're like did you just need another like Paul Bearer? Yeah. Because I mean he does the job clearly but you got those shoulders dude you'll be coughing right on there stack it right on top dude. So he's like

hey do you want to go out sometimes? She's like maybe by the way my friend was just murdered so maybe some space that'd be cool and I guess so it's all high school friends but they didn't like go to college together all also, right? So like David Boreannis isn't also friends with these people?

Nobody, yeah, he's just her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend. Or is he is? My question. Weirdly, it goes unspecified. The end of this movie's fucking crazy. Same. It's just like, what are we talking about? So, whatever, that's her thing. We meet her other friend who is Dorothy. Dorothy. Who is Jessica Capshaw, who's Kay Capshaw's

daughter from her first marriage. Not Spielberg. Spielberg didn't have a hand in this girl. You want to take that again? Oh, what? Oh, my God. I was just saying. He wasn't part of the producing of this child.

So maybe he did have a hand out. Yeah, I mean, we can't be talking the comic ping pong stuff. They'll get angry at us. Ew, monkey brains. Oh, that's my mom. And she's like this rich girl. We see her. She goes back to her mansion.

And like this dude, this fucking Casper Van Dean looking motherfucker Who the flying fuck BMX racing asshole is this guy? The guy that's with Dorothy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's... Chadwick, what's this fuckhead's name? Paul... No. Campbell is his name.

Campbell. That's it. Good God. I smell Melrose's place on him. Am I wrong? You're probably right. You know what? The actor's Daniel Cosgrove, I am on it because if he was on the place man and I don't

remember it, that's a real problem. He's also familiar from a bunch of movies in like the late 90s. Well, you know what? No, no, no, no. Well, this guy, this guy was making the rounds. Of course he was. Well, wait a minute. First of all, Steve, how did you?

You failed this one, buddy. Oh, shit. Because I'm the place expert. 902 and O. Yeah. I had a feeling he might have been. Matt Durning. Yeah.

50 episodes. What are we talking? Like late. The back end. 98 to 2000. No way, man. I can't be working those fucking dead-eyed nobody's. Gotcha.

You watch the masked singer. You're not watching late 902-1. No, late 902. Once Pricely was gone. So did I. But look at this, though. So he does Valentine, but then this guy

found his way into the world of soap operas. Oh, you don't fucking say. Check this shit out, though. 268 episodes of guiding light. 50 episodes of as the world turns. 89 episodes of all my children. 139 episodes of days of our lives.

This guy was on all of them. It's like being on a soap opera It's like being on a fucking baseball team You play fucking 300 times a year Your average is what it is Chadwick Boseman was a seasoned player Before he got Black Panther He was on soap operas for a while

Oh really? Was he really? Both him I'm not called B. Jordan We're both on soap operas We're either who's on the Friday Night Lights There's the B Jordan friend Yes he's awesome on Friday Night Lights As a matter of fact Vince I think his character's name was So she's rich

He comes up he's like hey you know I'm working on that dot com startup right and she's like yeah we are saying dot com dude through a lot of this movie it's weird I mean like also like if here's the thing if I even in the early aughts I came up to somebody I'm like you know I got that dot com startup like well what are you what is what's the website like you don't even like give me what the website oh no no no no no no no no no no but it's a startup yeah that's great but what are you selling what is the product we're starting up we're starting up

Yes, we're starting up a startup And that's what we're selling is starting up We're selling the starting of the up Landley Lyle Landley It's like this woman is like so in love With this guy Campbell Yeah

And his fucking startup And it's like Can you not see the forest for the trees here lady Like you're rich He's a startup guy Come on He's clearly talented talented Mr. Ripley and you at best.

I wish this guy got fucking hit in the face with a bodeore. Jesus Christ. So his thing is like, oh, you know, my startup, actually my roommate stole money from me. Now we're both evicted. And he's got like this back. She's like, well, you could just stay here for a while. And he's like, oh, can I? And I'm like, oh, dude, nice move, man.

She's also supremely shitty to the housekeeper right here. Oh, yes. And the housekeeper has, because she's like, hey, whatever, you know, go make up a room for Campbell and she's like, did you ask your parents about this or something? And she's like, no, I'm telling you to do it. And I was like, cool, can't wait till you're murdered. And then she gets this five, five alarm fire fucking fight with the stepmother for no reason. Yeah. And we're just calling her the mail order bride from hell. Oh, right. That whole thing. Oh, I've almost forgot about that entirely. The weird thing about

slashes is you can always tell how stupid they are and how they have to fill in the gaps. Yeah, sure. Like, this is, this is garbage. Nobody would want to watch this. Sure. But you have to get your way to the next kill, and they just have no idea how to do it. No, totally not. They're just like, a mail order bitch, I don't know, something like

that. Yeah, like, you're trying to do, you're just on fumes, Kevin Williamsing this thing. Like, snappy, snap, snap. And it's like, I don't know, you mail order bitch. And I'm like, that's not really snappy. It's not snappy and also it's like It's two-thirds racist for one

Sure Why also like scream Really was a cut above is it was also successful At like Fleshing out the lives of some of these characters So they weren't just like Pieces of Meat I'm the rich girl I'm the dumb girl

Yeah like they weren't just tropes on the chopping board Sure yeah And this movie's like piss poor attempt to do that with like all right so she's rich and she's got this stepmother that's like two years older than her whatever that all is and it's like you know what don't bother just make

them all slabs on the chopping block that's what this movie this movie isn't scream this movie's fucking final exam or whatever they fuck you know and we need more kills than me because you know it's a while now yep let's get going so then that's her thing we meet up with Denise Richards and this

other girl named Lily I want to say is her name sure they're like roommates and Denise Richards gets a box of chocolates no Lily gets the box of chocolates and they have maggots they put maggots into the thing oh this almost made me throw up

I'll say though I believe in the the ultra dating the speed dating thing like that definitely exists the one that I have a really hard time putting my head in the era is when you sent away for videotapes yes of dating profiles because this is in singles too

in a couple other movies How did you do this? But the core difference is singles was made in like 1991 or 92, whatever it is. This is 2001 and we're still doing VHS tape dating things? I assume the script has been here since the beginning of time. It could have been because it's just, it's a rando slasher thing. Who knows when this fucking great piece of literature was published, first of all? Also, the woman playing Lily?

Lily is... This actress Jessica Koffel who's in all of the legally blonde movies. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's one of her sororities. She's not bad in this movie. Margo or something. I will say, so it's just her and Denise Richards having this conversation.

Like, oh, it's from, I think it's, what's it from TB or something like that? Is that it? J.M. J.M. It's like I go from J.M. Oh, my God. The fucking creator of Peter Pan gave you chocolate. Oh, my God.

That might be the pseudonym for Johnny Depp Run. Run! Well, he had a student in one time when he appeared in one of the later Nightmar Nelma Street movies, Oprah Noodle Mantra. Oh, boy. Isn't that great? Thank you, John. No one could tell that guy was an asshole, huh?

Nobody. No one could fucking crack that code. So she chews it in this thing. The maggots come out. Yeah. We cut like a minute later, she's drinking orange juice. Yeah, to wash it out. No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, first of all, where's the listerine? Where's the listerine? I'm throwing up for days. I'm not talking to anyone for two days. I'm not just jumping back into my snappy snap snap. I eat a maggot. Nope. You have to kill the friend.

You can't have that shit on the street. But she's just sitting there like, oh God, wasn't that so gross when I bit into a fucking maggot-filled chocolate? What in the world? Also, again, with this killer, custom-made maggot-filled chocolates? That's the weird thing, is you are making,

you are now a crafts expert? You're a candy maker You're bettering yourself Only to kill these people Why not just better yourself? Exactly You don't have to follow through With the murder

You're doing great You've already beat You've already got your revenge By living well There it is So we cut to Marley Sheldon I think they call Marley Shelton Who's got this habit

I mean like you know what This fucking She's the subject of a revenge Plot from middle school Sure whatever She's not going to make it to 25 the way she's treating this iron, my friend. This house is going up in flames.

Her habit is leaving her iron on and on the ironing board, just like steam it up. Jesus, that's tough. Because she's taking a shower, the water stops, she gets a phone call, she picks it up. She notices her iron's going crazy. She has to fucking rinse off her hair in the toilet, by the way. That was pretty bad. Yeah. I was like, you know what, this is a low point.

I'm like, isn't that supposed to be a joke? Yeah, like that's, you wouldn't normally do that you would go get like a bottle of water. Yeah, it's 2,000 bottle water is the biggest thing in the world, right? We had it. Yeah. I think it's a thing, though. Wouldn't it be funny? Like, the joke is like, she's like, oh, man, all right, fine.

Yeah. She dips it in. You got to flush that can. Flush, a flush rinse, man. Oh, you're going to, give yourself a swirl. A self swirling. But then you're going to, I mean, then this is a horror movie. That heads going down the toilet.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. That would be cool. It's a nightmare. That's a Freddy move. Like a fucked up train spotting death. There keeps being these phone calls and I keep being like, are we going to get a scary voice phone call?

But we never get it. I mean, you can. You want to be my Valentine. Right. And who... Yeah, it's a little too close. Anybody know any urban legends. And so they're going to like this art gallery opening.

And this is Lily's boyfriend, Max, who I believe is the kid from Empire Records. He is. he's one of the kids from Empire Records. Wait, which guy from Empire Records? The one who's trying. He's got floppy hair. He's got floppy hair still.

I was trying to get Lily Tyler. Yeah, yes. Live Tyler. And he is in the movie Ghost Rider, too. He plays Blackout. Wow. Ray Carrigan and Black as Blackout. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck. Yeah, so this guy, he's like, he's like this weird, like visual artist who's got like all these TV set up for like sexy stuff. but there's like a sex maze that he's doing. Dude, and when he's sort of, I guess he's doing like a welcome to the gallery opening. Sure.

Boy, oh boy, does this guy definitely have the line, Valentine's Day? What does it really mean? Dude, if I'm at a gallery opening and I hear that, I'm leaving. Yes, immediately. Like, well, this guy's a hack. See you later.

Or I go straight to the bar and I just drink them out of house and home. Are these free? line them up for everybody I'm buying around for everybody and we're kind of still like isn't it sad Catherine Heigled died

yeah it is kind of sad Catherine Heigled died Oh by the way we should say Anyway who are you fucking There is this detective character Oh Christ Yeah detective Leon Vaugh Who I've seen in stuff

Who I can only describe As sort of a low rent version of the guy From Veronica Mars Yes he is I had the same note He's a low rent Enrico Colanton

I had the skivius Michael Ironside Oh yeah a little bit Like as if Enrico Colentone and Michael Ironside had a baby He is a Canadian actor By the name of Fulvio Chechere Okay I guess mostly known for He's in some of them there

Resident Evil motion pictures Oh sure Probably one of the higher ups those evil fuckers Oh the fucking raccoon corpourner's No raccoon city Recunc City, the Umbrella Corporation. There it is. I knew it was something stupid.

Apologies to Resident Evil fans. At the funeral, at the funeral, he's going up to these girls like, what was the last time you saw your friend? Bluble, blah, blah, blah. You've blown, I mean, like, funerals are what? Like three, four days? Yeah, yeah, yeah, about three four days.

Yeah, so like, you've blown the 48-hour window, pal. You're just starting your investigation? No, no, no, no, no, dude. The 48-hour window is for missing persons. We know right where Catherine Hegel is. But you're right, though, like, you're sleeping on it. Let's start asking some questions. It's been 48 hours.

We should quit looking for Javier's Wall. He probably got away by now. We should just stop. I mean, it's for kidnappings. The first 48 is the most important. I think that's for murderers, too. Is it for murders? That's what that shows about.

That first 48, it's the 48. It can be murders. It can be, yeah. Oh, the titular 48 hours. Yes, I've seen that show a couple. Well, I've never put that together. Yeah, it's like the first 40-year, that's your best chance of catching the killer. Oh, I see.

He was like, oh, well, that's, well, the first day was Martin Luther King Day. Well, the first day was President's Day, and then, like, I had off on Tuesday, so. Well, maybe Catherine Hegel's character is Jewish. They got a hustle and get him in there. Right? That's a thing. Yeah, totally. Yeah, that is true.

So maybe this guy's not terrible at his job. This does not look like an orthodox ceremony. I'll be honest with you. Oh, and actually, I think now they think, no, they think it. about it there is definitely a priest giving that service okay yeah so this guy's fucking up yeah so at this gallery uh lily is like goes through her boyfriend's maze uh which is all like these like it's a bunch of tvs mouths and eyes saying i love you and i fuck me or whatever i would be like fuck me watching this movie dude yeah your friend's like oh you want to go to this art gallery

the first answer is no the second answer is like the second question is like okay is it like just paintings, like, no, it's actually interactive. Then the answer is absolutely not. Absolutely not. I have to do anything more than just sort of glance at paintings. Yep. What kind of gallery is it? It's mixed meet it. Nope. Yeah, dude, whenever you hear the double M

get the fuck out. Just head for the hills. So as she does, she meets up with her boyfriend, Max, and they start making out, and this is, I feel like... Max is the artist. Max is the artist, yeah. And she's making out with them, they're hooking up. and then this other lady's kind of

it's like that Ted Cruz video that Ted Cruz porno she's like looking and like unbuttoning her blouse kind of a thing well because this dude's trying to get the angle it's a bad angle on a threesome man I mean a public angle he's really going for too much

that's your first mistake buddy that's the double pepperoni on the double cheese on the sausage wow that sounds like a great pizza it's just like yeah you you gotta be like oh why don't you come back to my place later

we're going to have a small gathering and Amanda's going to be there and then you feel out what people think about Amanda exactly here's what it is we're talking about angling yeah sure and I think it's like it's a fishing reference right and here's the thing I always thought about it was like trying to get a couch into an apartment building window or what angle are you going to enter in you're going to go in this way you're going to angle the couch that way it's by yourself trying to get a piece of furniture in the door by yourself well for the purposes of what I'm about I'm sorry, it's fishing. Because here's the thing.

When you're fishing, sure, right? And you've cast out your line, you've got a little nibble. Sure. And you want to hook that fish, right? You want to angle. Yeah, oh yeah, I got you.

Here's the thing. You don't just immediately tug on that motherfucker. No. Just give it a little like, like kind of pop it a little bit. See what that fish is doing. Exactly. You don't just pull the thing back.

And this guy full throttles the three-way effort. And it's a real problem. Of course it fucks up. Well, clearly you're not into extreme fish. Extreme fish. That's like the motherfuckers that fucking cover their hand in peanut butter and just fist to bat. You see that shit? What do they call that shit? Goes out onto a boat with a shotgun. I feel like I'll much advice right now. No, it's like, it's not this. It's like swamp fishing or something like that. You're like put shit on your hand that like the fish will love and you put your arm in the water and the fish comes and like your idea is to grab it? No, you just let the fish chomp on and then you put shit. pull it up, but I got fucking fish out

the swine. Wow. It's a real thing. Yeah, it's fischting. Oh, get out. And now the rare we hate movies two men episode continues. So she's disgusted. Yeah, because this girl is like, hey, and she's like, wait, what the

fuck? I love the reactions of the extra girl, or you know, the part three to this equation. Sure. Is there, she's like unbuttoning her blouse like getting all hot and whatnot and so lily sees it and he's like oh this is my friend whatever i thought and like she's disgusted and and everything and so then this other girl is like oh man yeah she just like charlie browns it out of the movie i was kind of into it for the girl

shit now i have to fuck this idiot yeah exactly like i was more in the oh man you know what we're just gonna part ways here uh the contract said yeah so whatever she leaves she can't get of this maze. I don't know what time it is. I don't know how much time is elapsed between it when everybody was there and then they weren't.

Right. And all of a sudden Cupid Mask guy is there and I think this is the best kill of the movie. Am I alone in this? It's pretty fucking sweet. I have to say.

It's what you want in this movie, which is a bow and arrow kill. Well, there's this weird arrow wound. The weirdest thing to me, this scene like really put me out of it because I was like,

what are they even doing? You were mad at this. three-way didn't go down? I was furious, first of all. But second of all, Vaughn is like making a bit, he's like, who was Catherine Hegel dating? And they're like some guy named Jason Marquette or something. And they think he's the J.M. That's signing all the things. Sure. Out of nowhere, Jason Marquette, the guy is at the fucking gallery and they get one shot of him looking like a weirdo. And then he's gone. Yes. It's a, that whole Jason Marquette thread is definitely a director's deleted scene situation because there is later in the movie it's the jason

jason guy jason yeah yeah it's the third person guy he just shows up there he shows up and he's like and they're like wait what but nobody knows who looks like but you the audience would be like oh my god it's that guy and then he's gone right but later in the movie then at the end of the movie the detective's like uh we we arrested jason marquette for the murders and then we couldn't hold him so he's on the loose look out for jason marquette right and you never see see that dude ever. This is the only time you see him. We also, we already have a dozen red herrings.

Don't throw the other one in there. Yeah, totally. Speaking of fishing. So we have. Fishting. We have, oh, so, so, uh, this, this character, um, uh, Lily, yeah, has earlier in the day received her own custom Valentine. Sure.

She gets one about arrows and shit. Oh, does she? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bag of candy. Oh, okay. It's with the mag and candy. And so here it comes this fucking cherub killer.

Here comes Cupid, man. And he is an expert marksman. This guy. She's just getting a hit with all these fucking arrows. She flies over. She falls down like a laundry shoot or a garbage shoe or a garbage shoe. She lands on a dumpster. The, it will never not be funny to me.

Someone falls in a dumpster in the lid closes. Jesus, that is an easy Andrew laugh. Oh, my God. And this is the rare dollop of realism in this movie. there's like nobody in the the mixed media maze to see this huge fucking murder nor is there anybody to see the threesome

so everybody's out there drinking like nobody's actually looking at the fucking thing or the yeah everyone's like you want to just get the fuck out of here yeah I want to get the fuck out everybody is there for the right reasons the open bar and then they left after the sliders ran out it's like that

the painting part oh fuck what the graffiti party we went to when it went down down to just vodka. Oh, dude, yeah. Wait, I'm sorry. At my first job, uh, it was a,

there was a publishing party for, it was a graffiti book. Um, and everyone and like, yeah, exactly. And I invited Chris and a couple of other of our friends. What was I doing? You just weren't on the list,

my friend. Man, oh man. I got fished in. No, it's, uh, and we,

uh, we went to this party, whatever and we're just, kind of hanging out with all these people and there was beer and wine and then that just sort of started to run out it was like this place like like deep Brooklyn

and it was just like well we still have vodka and everyone that I brought were like totally man straight vodka and then I may or may not have smoked marijuana with one of the people that they brought there to do graffiti for people you absolutely

did I may or may not I said I may or may not but you but you did it no senator i don't know in any event so we go on and uh we cut to it's david brianus and marley shelton right and he's like trying to get win her back

they're at and again like if your boyfriend is having alcohol troubles let's meet at a at a coffee shop at a fucking let's go for a walk they're at a bar and like it's great because this this waitress is like um you know what the bartender's like what do you guys want and first of my sheldons like i'll have a glass of red actually i'll have a club soda she doesn't order the club soda until he does oh that's right because she's like oh that sounds good yeah and i'm like

and this waitress doesn't bartender's like fucking awesome i just made 350 yeah sweet tip although it could be one of those bars where it's like oh is seltzer no problem five dollars yeah sure that's how you get those fuckers and so they're having this conversation where she's like, look, man, you know, we broke up because you're a fucking booze hound. Yeah. And you've humiliated me before. This isn't going to fly. And he says that, you know, he hasn't

touched a drop in six weeks or whatever it is. And she's like kind of falling back into it. And of course you would. It's David Boreannis in 2001. Guy's a mountain. Yeah, I'm not a fucking idiot. Yeah, you get your ski equipment. You fucking figure it out, my friend. Ski down on that shit.

And so, like, that's kind of her deal. The detective is brings the three of them into... Dorothy, who's Jessica Capshaw, Denise Richards, and Marley Shelton. He's like, all right, everybody. Let's figure out what's going on with all you's guys.

And it's like, man, you fucking fake Dean Norris. What am I doing in this movie? And by the way, no one ever notices that Lily is gone because she's supposed to go on business to L.A. the next day or something. This was my question, though. No one fucking checks that garbage?

No. And also... There's a fucking rotting corpse in a garbage can. Maybe it was like, well, the fucking stink from that art installation was masking that would make sense to me no but here's my question about the thing with l.A yeah does she say that at some point is there a line where she's like I'm going to L.A. I'm going to L.A. tomorrow. Okay. But where are that what is this just any town Canada or any town Toronto for sure? And so he's like all right you know like it's most likely somebody you know and then somebody's like oh you know it could be Jeremy Melton he's like who's

Jeremy Melton, which, by the way, I couldn't hear right, and I was like, who's Jeremy Mountain? But this is Jerry Melton equally fake name. Have you hiked Jeremy Mountain? I have. And they're like, oh, it's this kid we sexually humiliated in school.

It's not a huge deal. Right. I believe Denise Richards says, this loser from sixth grade, cool. You're 37 years old. Let's stop dropping the L bomb about people who may or not have been in sixth grade with us. It's pretty awesome. You've done so much growing since sixth grade.

And, you know, it's just sort of like, well, could be one of your boyfriends. And like, Marley Shill's like, well, it's not Adam because, and he's like, what's Adam's last name? He was like, Adam, whatever, Scott. Not Adam Scott. Literally anyone, but Adam Scott. Adam Snoosieris. Adam Scott totally could have been in this movie.

Why was he never in a Scream? He was in a Hellraiser sequel. Oh, that's where he did. Yeah, he's like more checkered. Like you just find him in these random movies. We did a lot of like weepy dramas for a really long time. Well, that was when he would actually, like he had like he was kind of a leading man at that point. But before that, like you, I don't think he's in Galaxy Quest, but like a thing like that where he'd be one of the guys.

Yes, yeah. Like other guy. Yeah. So she's like, well, it couldn't be him because I've known him for over a year now and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, what about your boyfriend? Campbell? is like, she's like, well, it couldn't be Campbell because I like him so much.

Like, what's Campbell's last name? And she's like, uh, Scott. Yeah, totally. It's Adam Scott, Campbell's Scott, and Michael Kane. Well, let me just get Campbell's father on the phone. What the fuck are you calling me for? God damn it, Campbell, you're killing people again?

I've got a date with Denise Richards later. What are you going to stop? I don't give a shit. happened to you in sixth fucking grade camel damn a camel you hand your own problems so the only thing worth mentioning at this scene is that at the uh what do you call it there afterwards he's like uh denis can i speak to you really quick this detective oh jesus christ yeah and she's like yeah sure and she's left alone with him and he's like so what are we going to do about this and she's like wait what he's like this sexual tension's like could you get your hand off my thigh

this is when this detective, at the very least, is reassigned. Yep. You get a brand new detective. And it's just like, I'm watching this movie. Yeah. And this starts happening. And it's like, and the ball's going up. It's up.

It's going right into left field. Left field. Like, what, it is a home run of stupidity, man. No way does this need to be in this movie. It's not even like the detective could be a red head. Herring because we know it's the kid Because by the way we haven't mentioned this The kid has a bloody nose

And every time the killer kills somebody Blood drips out the nose of the mask Which by the way get a better mask I don't know what these nose holes are And this fucking plug it up Yeah plug that shit Also is that a thing I don't know

Bloody noses are just well you can't show somebody Ejaculating after murdering somebody So you show a stream of blood coming out their nose I got you so I'm supposed to take that as semen Yes that's what it is Nose semen so but like yeah this guy is like you want to fuck or what she's like no you're disgusting and she leaves and that's that scene never mentioned again it's like hey sir um one you're reassigned two

you really need to dial it back on the pornography viewing it is skewing your view of the world you can just do this you know what number three we're just going to abolish the police in this town this has gone bad for long enough let's fucking do it you know you talk about angling a three You can't even angle a twosome, my friend. Like, this is not how you angle a twosom. You just say, hey, maybe after all this crazy stuff is over, we can get a cup of coffee. You're a 50-year-old Wallace-Shawn stunt double, and she's Denise Richards, dude. Let's fucking dial her back.

I love the idea of a Wallace-Shon stunt double. I love the idea of Wallace-Shawne needing a stunt double. Well, mostly for doing stairs or something. No, I'm just imagining him in a diehard. Oh, no, I'm trapped in this building. And my shoes are on the third floor, and I have to get to the second floor. By the way, ha, ha, ha, ha, I have a machine gun. Yippie, ki, aye.

Come to the coast and have a few laughs. What an inconceivable time I'm having in Los Angeles. City of Angels, my foot. Can we actually get the stunt double in here to say inconceivable? I'm kind of done for the day. Okay, now I'm in a detective in New York. I have to wear a sign that says, what those stunt double? It's me and Sam Jackson driving around in a taxi cab.

Got to work with Jeremy Iron solving puzzles. I love them. There's gold and the Federal Reserve, and they took a shit done of it. By the way, Jeremy Irons, really crazy. Don't you think this is a bit Brexian what we're doing right here? There's a little, it's a touch on the wrecked inside. Yes, Wallace, I do believe so. As I was going to St. Eyes, I met a man with seven wives, seven wives and seven sacks, seven sacks, and seven cats.

Seven cats and seven kittens, kittens, cats, sacks, and wives. How many were going to say to eyes? I'm going to walk into the ocean now. Wallace Sean in Diehard. I'm into it. I'm very into the. idea. Should have had more of a role for Carl Winslow.

Why is he Roger Rabbit? Why not? Yeah, you're right. Couldn't you see it, though? Yeah, totally. Shape and a haircut. Too bit. I do think that's the only way to kill Waller Sean is by the dip. He would have to be dip. Yeah, he would

It's as well. When he gives into a coma, they're supposed to bring in the dip. I had my wife sign this. I'm authorizing a dip if I'm in a coma. So anyway. Sure. In the parking lot of this police department, there is a fucking revelation that shocks this

group of friends for the rest of their days. What's that? Dorothy falsely accused that kid. Oh, right. And she just up and says this and they're like all right, ah, fuck. Listen, one, that's awful. Two, why didn't you tell that detective? That's the motivation, Dorothy. It's your fucking fault.

And in every theater, remember those five guys in their heads like, that's what they do. That's what they do. Absolutely right, dude. Oh, fuck.

And there's... Harley Shelton's like disgusted. She's like, that's awful. Well, because we've already learned in that whatever scene, that exposition scene,

basically this kid's life was ruined. He went to a reform school and then he went to an insane asylum, blah, blah, blah. Juvenile detention for a long time, it sounds like. Sure.

I mean, whatever. And so the last act of this movie is Dorothy is going to throw this insane Valentine's Day party. This is, if you needed to know whether or not a movie was a fiction film or a documentary, it's someone throwing a massive party on Valentine's Day. Oh, I have a question. Everyone raised their hand if you ever would do a Valentine's Day party. Eric, what are you doing? I mean, what? the flying fart are you talking

about, man? And like, hundreds of people are coming to this thing. And it's here's the thing, right? It's like, this is how we're starting the third act of the film. Yes. With a big house party. Sure. So, so, so, scream. Oh, right. Right. Only thing it's missing is

cut to the party in that fucking song, Youth of America's playing. Say a prayer for the Youth of America. Well, you'd be happy that instead of that, we have Orgy. Oh, right. The first track from their second record. Holy shit, that's a deep dive.

I know you were more reversed in the soundtrack than I was. Did I detect some deaf tones? There was a deaf tones in the... In the maze. R.X Queen from White Pony. Oh, there you go. That's a song. I was into the deaf tones,

but everyone around me was, and I was like, oh, this is taking me back because I don't know what the song is, but I know that I don't... It sounds super crazy about it. So, oh, by the way, Marley Shelton, by the way, She has this fucking creepy

Next door neighbor Who wants to have sex with her and he like Her name is Kate And like he is like way of like Hitting on her is like how about a date Kate It goes on like that That is fucking funny Are you straight?

Do I look like bait? This could be fate No is that what happened Yeah pretty much He does that for a look Man I wasn't paying attention She goes away Like she's at work or something

Right Some sort of a job and we cut to her apartment and this guy is trying on her underwear Oh right And like the fucking Cupid guy is kind of the hero here You're right He comes in he takes the fucking iron

Which is on again left out of you leaving your house With the iron on are you fucking crazy? Oh my God dude like once it's an innocent mistake twice that's a problem Was this just a pickup off of while you were sleeping the weird guy Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Or whatever the fuck Oh, right, oh God, I forgot about that.

Well, it's kind of great Because like the Cuban guy comes in This guy's like, he's got underwear And I think he's putting on panty hose at the time And he's like, and the guy And he's like, what? I got a problem Which is just like the best way to handle that situation.

It's not cute like Melchipsy. He's not drinking a bottle of wine Yeah, singing, you know, Meredith Brooks Right. At the top of his line. No. Look, look, hey, buddy, before you get too crazy, I'm an advertising executive. I am trying to figure out what women want.

They gave me this box. I don't know. Didn't this dude look like Dan? Oh, fuck me. Cortez? Yes. Oh, yeah. Step off, George.

George, step off. And he gets killed in the most improbable way. This guy takes the iron. He hits him in the face. And then he takes the cord. starts using it as a fucking like mace practically like you get like maybe one hit off that yeah it's impossible to have any accuracy with that kind of a thing try swinging an iron just i dare you swing an iron with the cord save your energy you got this huge fucking coat on it looks like it's

beautiful outside yeah it's 70 degrees pouring sweat and just also listen you're you've started the process of the plot of a slasher valve sure you found yourself in a room with a hot iron and a dude is creepily trying on woman's clothing when she's not home. Sure. Use that iron like your fucking Kevin McAllister and that dude is Daniel Stern

and burn that guy's fucking face with it. What are we talking about? Well, that's the thing too. I didn't check what the rating is. Is it our R? Probably not. It's probably PG-13. Let's check to the Tribune. Because I mean, I think... We have ourselves in our rating. Okay. It's like just barely then.

Because like I think that what I liked about those like final exam, whatever, was always kind of like, let's just, it was like who's the director, by the way, who's doing the gore effect? Of course. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. And that's what this movie should be. It should be fun, weird,

gore effect stuff. Yeah, I think that rating is more of a fuck rating. It is. It's definitely a screenplay rating and not like a, it's like dialogue in the screenplay, not the content. Because there's one like when, I mean, the arrow death is pretty blood. Like, you can see there's a lot of blood on her chest. But like when Hegel gets her throat

cut, it's just like a quick. Yeah. And when we're coming up to Campbell's death, that also has blood. And Campbell, by the way, so we cut, so they're getting ready for this party. It's Dorothy and Campbell. By the way, Dorothy, for some reason, and I mean, this is something that I would put a fucking stop to. Marley Shelton keeps calling her Doroth. And I'm like, what the fly in, no, my name is Dorothy, or you can call me Dee if you'd like. Here's the thing.

The only reason why I appreciated the Dorth, not because I think at all that it's a nickname that anybody should have my god these poor people out there being called dorth please write it to the mailbag if your nickname is dorth dorth that's at best a dory if you're going to do you're or a dot dotty dot dorth here's the thing though about dorth it reminded me uh-huh i really like the charisma and comedy timing of character actors zach orth oh okay and i always thought zach oath would be a good hang Oh yeah, totally And it reminded me I've always wanted to hang out

with Zach Orth I think that's what my thing is with Dan Fogler It's like we should get You and I should get a double date with Zach Orth and Dan Fogler Just have some brew dogs Hang out

Talk about nothing related To anything they've ever acted in Sure, I'll stay home The whole thing I was just thinking like one She's like come on Dorth And she's like Marley

We watched Star Wars a long time ago And you called me Dorff Vader throughout college And you've got to fucking stop. I'm Dorothy. Dorothy. I'm a business person now.

I am sick of those fucking Tim Conway videos you'd send me. I am not Dorf either. Anyone remember Dorff? You're killing me here. Dorff, Tim Conway, the great Tim Conway. He's great.

He's wasting away to dementia. His thing was it was always like it was like a sendaway tape. I never got it, but there was a commercial for it ad nauseum, wherein it was him doing various sports. And the character was, if I'm not mistaken, him on his knees with shoes on. And he was like a little guy named Dorff.

Yeah, okay. And like stuff happened. It was like an earnest-ish kind of. I sort of remember that, but I didn't know it was Tim Conway. Yes, it is. Oh, that's weird. It's one of those things I've never seen that I remember like I have. That's very strange.

So in any event. So, like, her and Campbell are hanging out, and Campbell's like, hey, they start kissing and they, like, try to fuck, but Campbell is impotent or can't get it up. I thought it was just some bad sex. Oh, okay. Just some real, like, man, that was like a fucking hamburger with nothing on it. I thought he just straight up said no. No, because remember, they're laying in bed. Something, and they're, like, nudeish.

So something either happened or tried to happen or it happened bad. Is that that new show that's coming to ABC, nudish? So fucking stupid. I'm sorry. Well, we needed the Ciska quotient. Yeah, you're totally right. Somebody had to do it. What are you saying, Cabin?

She's shower. They're showering. That was the thing. She's in the shower. No, cabin, that's after. That's after. They get down. So either his fucking dick breaks down or he, like, comes too soon or something.

I don't know what happened. But they're laying there and she's, like, sighing. like looking through a magazine or something. And then she's like, I'm going to take a shower. Yes. And then the weird thing is, like, she tries to give him a second chance. Yeah, that's what I was. And he's like, no, I want to, uh, I want to like get a run in before the part.

Some fucking, oh, no, because he's got some bogus business deal. That's what it is. His startup meeting. I have a meeting. Yeah, he's got this big meeting. He's got to like, take somebody out. And she's like, what? It's Valentine's Day.

I thought there was going to be some more fucking. And he's like, it's going to be an hour tops. I have to go to drinks with this person. And she tries right there in the bathroom Yeah Well how about round two And he's like Yeah but the scam

Well first he's got to go downstairs Like his whole That is the plan But like first he goes downstairs To their humongous pool Yes And is on this phone Just talking shit about Dorth

Um This poor woman Well no his thing is like His scam now Is like He's gotten all he needs from her father which we don't see

he's in half a scene this guy well he's just like stop yelling at my wife your stepmother goodbye movie and he's like all right yeah

it's me uh dorothy's father so and so and so uh huh yeah I want to transfer all my accounts to this thing yes and they're like

what who is this and he's like yeah it's like my birthday is this my mother's main name is that

so just transfer oh yeah 40 billion dollars you can just transfer that to that uh and he gets pissed off because there's like there's like a third security question or something and he's like what do you need that for it just fucking trash for the money and he like throws his cell phone on the ground and all this shit and so the killer is on the premises at this point we know that power or some shit and so doris is all like on this fucking intercom like hey man like you're down in the basement already can you go check the fuse box so he goes down to do it whoops axe in the back pretty good axe

in the back but not a great axe in the back like a no minus axe in the back i mean it's no scatman crothers yeah it's no scatman crothers it's no it's uh it's a it's kind of a groundskeeper will i'm getting bad at this yeah it's more that this movie's bad at a lot of things uh so he's dead yeah we're having this party she thinks dorothy at this point thinks Like she's been dumped. Oh, Dorth. Oh, I meant Dorth. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, it was confusing. I meant Dorth. Oh, wait, is it Dorth Vader or Dorth Sidious? Count Dorth, dude. Man, I would just really make a point to make sure people didn't call me Doroth. At every turn, I'd be correcting that. You know, my name's Kelly. I'm sorry, my name's Kelly.

Middle name's Kelly. We're just going by Kelly. Yeah. Call me K-Dog, if you like. they call me K-dog So yeah She's all peeved at this party Because she thinks that

What's his name, Chance? Campbell Chambler, what? Campbell. Oh, Campbell. God damn it, Camble, you're hitting the fucking back again? Can't dodge an axe.

What son of my? Get dodging axe! I've eaten oxen my day. Man, just living in fear every day because your father is George C. Scott, I can't even imagine. I don't know. I mean, like, the fact that that guy

grew up to do anything. God bless them. I know. And I'm sure George C. Scott's a wonderful father, but I mean, like, that, that fuse could go. I guarantee. Any second, dude. And it's not even like a wooden matchstick. It's like a paper matchstick. You got a restaurant. Dude, Christmas must have been it. It's like, all right, George C. Scott, light the Christmas tree. Fucking God damn it. All right, it's like, all right, Campbell. What did you think of this sweater you got? Campbell, say thank you to your grandmother. I can just imagine Campbell Scott

seeing hardcore for the first time and being like, oh, I just have to go to L.A. and he'll lose it. Okay. That's what I'm going to act. He watched hardcore and he was like, got it. This will fucking tweak the old man's nipples.

Ruin that motherfucker. Literally. Oh, fuck, man. In any of it, this party's going down. Dorothy's very sullen because Campbell, she believes, stood her up. and like you kind of get some Dorothy motivation here where it's like no one ever likes me

I'm the fat girl even though it's played by Jessica Capshaw who's not overweight at all I'm just the fat girl nobody loves me blah blah and I'm like oh no oh Doroth oh oh oh it's Kelly it's Kelly okay okay there's also this other character who we met at the funeral for like a half hot second this other woman who's played by nobody I've ever noticed

is like this rich girl girl who was scammed by Campbell previously. Yes. And she shows up to this party like, where's Campbell? I just want to tell him he's a jerk. And never, like, get the fuck out of here. And Doroth is wearing like this necklace that Campbell got her as a Valentine's Day present. And she's like, is that my necklace?

And I was like, oh, man, fucking douchech chill alert. Your walls are crumbling down, lady. This just does not ring. I mean, this is an invite only Valentine's. Day party. I don't know how this lady knows this party's even going down. She's got a literal bridge to her house. There's a literal bridge from the mainland to the house they live in.

By the way, you notice, I think later in the movie, when the party starts to get evacuated, there are security personnel on state. Oh, nice. It's like fucking, what's that fucking fat idiot who does the fake Jerry Springer show now? Oh, Steve. Something. Yeah, it looks exactly like that, dude. in a security shirt. I see.

In any event, that was a fun detour. You know who that motherfucker looks like, though? A temporary attorney general, Matt Whittaker. Yes. That fucking bumbling pile of shit. I stick with my choice. He looks like Butterball. From the Hellraiser movies, he is Butterball. He looks like Butterball. He looks like professional rassler, Kane also. Ceno Evil Kane.

Man, if you ever wanted to watch somebody fucking drown on live television, it was that dude's testimony the other day and so this woman shows up she's like where is Campbell I don't know go fuck yourself she leaves and there's like kind of bumbling around this apartment this enormous house

she steals something from somebody what is it she rips off she goes to Campbell's room guest room and like takes his wallet for something oh and then of course uh oh here comes the Cupid Killer which by the way Cupid Killer I don't know about you which your whole thing is like this sexually

humiliation you suffered in grade school. This lady wasn't there. Neither was Panny Dude. Panny dude was just doing his thing. Or the other one, this is the funniest part of the movie. There was a hearty guffaw at this part because this woman's like down on like some lower level where the party, you know, doesn't have access or whatever. She's wandering around the house. The door opens and the Cuban killer is walking backwards and you realize he's dragging

the housekeeper. Oh yeah. What did she ever do to anybody? He just murdered this poor woman for no reason. And he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, I think she saw me. Oh, I better kill this woman too. It's so fucking great.

Well, that's, I would love, that would be, to me, the best, like, horror movie is if there was a killer who all he wanted to do was kill one person. Yeah. But then he just realized he had to keep on killing all these people to be able to kill this person. To get the access. And then he just never got to it and just was arrested before he got to kill the person. Okay, this is exactly a Paul Giamati slash. Oh, God damn it. Son of a bitch, PG.

Now you've got to kill this housekeeper. She saw you in the grotto. I've got to kill my wife's boss. Oh, shit. My wife's boss. Now I've got to kill my wife's boss's best friend because he was on the fucking other end of the phone call. Oh, great. Can't believe this house has a moat.

Didn't think I'd have to go for his swim. Damn it, Pee, you forgot your floaties. Always need this goddamn mask. It just gets so strong. sweaty under here. So hot. You forgot to poke holes in it. No deodorant today.

Great job, Giamatti. You're the stinky killer. Great. Nobody respects a serial killer with B.O. Oh, they call me stinkosaurus in the New York Post. The bodies were found with excessive B.O. Oh, boy. nobody fears me

so like there's this cat and mouse between which goes on for a long time it's split up by a completely pointless thread where this horse face guy who I realized by the way he also kind of looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay

yes he does he shows up to the party and Denise Richards and him are making out and whatnot and then it's like oh let's go upstairs only so that like this dude like strips down and fucking whips it out and what he says come upstairs i want to show you something and she's like okay and then he's like the thing i wanted to show you was my dick and she's like great

she says you brought me up here to show me your penis yeah which yeah you know uh so she like ties this dude up to the bed and like well this is a pun by the way because he looks at her when when he's naked he's like well don't just look at it wax it oh yeah which is which leads to what she does. Oh, of course. She ties him up to the bed and then dumps this candle on his dick like a fucking Ricky Martin video. Or that movie, A Body of Evidence with Willem Defoe.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Defoe. Look at all the hot wax. Oh, Madonna. Do you got some high heels there? You want to step on something. Oh, man. Defoe beat you to the punch with killing Madonna. You're a killer in that movie? No, I think he's the cop.

He's the detective. It's like a basic instinctive. I've never seen it actually. It's awful. Is that an episode? Julian Moore isn't it? Oh, yeah. Like early Julianne Moore when she was doing like nothing?

That was like hand the rocks the cradle of Julianne Moore. So yeah, so we just waste about like five to seven minutes on this scene. The other lady's hiding, the rich girl is hiding the sauna for a minute. Then she's not adding a sauna. The death here is pretty good. Again, this dude breaks a stand shower glass window. Yeah, this wasn't half bad. And shoves her throat on the jagged glass on the floor.

It's what should have happened in Friday the 13th, 8 in that shower's sequence. And we never got that shit. It was like, because it was like, remember it was like cut to shreds by the sensors? And you could see like deleted scenes of like what all was going on. Sure. What Jason's actual plan was. But he, yeah, he just kind of jabs her throat. It's pretty good kill.

Yeah. But again, cherub killer. Yeah. it was the sexual humiliation at the hands of Dorothy and others you don't even know that lady you know the cleaning woman you didn't know the neighbor and what's the neighbor gonna say I mean there was a dude he had a fucking chair mask on I mean they don't have I mean I told you about the bridge they have a whole other fiefdom about like about 20 miles down at this rate I'm never gonna get to kill half the people that sexually humiliated me in fucking middle school who knew they'd grow up to have so many friends Mr. Martino already died of a heart attack. That doesn't do me any fucking good. The pills

didn't even work. Nothing works. Nothing works. This poor serial killer. So, people discover dead bodies on the ground. Denise Richards, by the way, after being annoyed by this sort of faux sexual encounter, goes

to the hot tub. Weak-ass hot tub, by the way. Rich party. Yeah. Weak bubbles, man. I need I need a fucking bubbling I need an alcohol seltzer and a glass is what I want in a hot tub

absolutely I was not impressed I couldn't I was like what did you just turn it on and you're in it that's gross that's gross he's just looking for a soak I don't think

you can wait for it to build up yeah did you guys notice by the way right around the time this scene is also happening but before like the murder actually takes once we cut back

to they actually put it was crazy that this made it into the movie there's a scene of like behind the scenes just like making of footage that they were able to work into the movie. No.

So, like, Marley's, you know, walking around. She walks into a kitchen. And then they just had footage of David Boreannis behind the scenes chugging a bottle of champagne. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, that is a weird flubs. B-roll of David Boreannis at the rap party. It is so funny, dude. It's like she comes into this kitchen.

And the whole movie, he's been like, I'm done drinking, blah, blah, blah. And he's chugging from the bottle. And it makes no sense, like, this is what sent you over the edge. She ignoring you for 30 minutes. You've been through murders and death and hell and everything else. And this is the thing that pushes you over the edge. And this is when my favorite threat of the movie is drunk or evil starts to happen. Yes, totally.

Because he's like, hey, babe, what's going on? She's like, are you drunk or evil right now? Are you a serial murderer or just wasted? Which happens to me a lot. But they also might not be mutually exclusive. Yeah, you could be both. Oh, Tucker, I'll just hear it with all my friends. All my friends.

Oh, I'd love a dude, drunk pinhead. Dommer tied one on every once in a while. He's kind of a drunk serial killer. That's true. Yeah, he was pretty wasted a lot of the time. One thing you could never have is a horse addict serial killer. Because they're just not getting up. Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to get to it tomorrow. Yeah, but, you know, Pinhead could tie some on. Oh, for sure. For sure. Oh, I have sex. delicious sights to show you. Just wait, wait there, I'm going to share you some delicious sites. Hang out, hang out, hang out, I need blood.

Let's go to a diner. I need some blood. Bring in butterball. No, I meant a turkey. Oh, a turkey, not a butterball. I don't want to see my obese friend. I want to eat a turkey. And then he starts like, goes to the.

the female centivite starts crying like, can't we just get back together? Can't it just be? I have such delicious right is 600 years ago we were going together 600 years ago

What did a smoker have that I don't tell me? Man left for another centibite. That's... Oh, dude, there's definitely Who else are you going to date? Really? that's true you know it's

weirdos yeah that's also maybe weirdos other creatures of the infinite you love me with a werewolf so

Denise Richardson is in a hot tub sure Cupid shows up puts the hot tub cover over her gets this drill from who knows where and all of a sudden

it's a driller killer movie which I was like one of the other man you're either a fucking slasher or it's a driller killer I can't accept both and I also don't

Except any drill or killer is not directed by Abel Ferreira. Oh, well, come on, slumber party massacre. Maybe body double gets a small exception. Slumber party massacre. And he's drilling through the holes. Which I was like, oh, he's helping her. No, help her. Help her.

And he gets her arm and then he just kind of gets tired of it. Yeah, dude, this guy gives up, man. Oh, God. I mean, like, you know, PG, this is what happens to you. every time you wind up wasting all your energy on the also rands. But when you get to the girl that's sexually made on you in grade school, you're exhausted and you can't even enjoy it. Fuck it.

I'm throwing this drill in the water. Zap, zap, baby. That was so quick and useless. I wonder if they have any old duels upstairs. Gotta keep in check. So that she's dead. At some point the detective is like, by the way, I'm on my way because this other guy that doesn't even matter,

this Jason character. Oh, right. Jason Maraz or whatever. Yeah, Jason Maras on the loose. Fucking lock your doors. Totally, dude. There's a guy with a dumb hat coming your way. It's a dark hallway in this woman's looking down,

trying to get her home. And all you hear in the back was, hot it da-da-da-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-ha-da-da-da-ha-ha-ta-da. Ah! Run! Dorothy and Kate have this huge fight over their mutual shitty boyfriend. Sure. Which, it's like a big blowout.

which doesn't last too terribly long. The power goes out again. The party gets evacuated. Oh, man. It's like, it's a great, like, the dance floor dies. They're just like, do you, oh. And also, like, how old are any of these people supposed to be is my question? Because, like, this is not a fucking, like, early 20s party.

This is a high school part. This is all mid-20s people. Yeah, exactly. This is not a mid-20s party that I've ever been to. It's a high school party. It's embarrassing. It's also, like, it sucks that in that, because you find out that the original when the dance was happening, was like 1988

Yeah And there's like no signifiers at all Like it's not even weird hair or weird dress It's just kind of what a 2000s party would Yeah Prom would look like Yeah The music isn't right either

You're not playing like forever young Or something like that You know I think it was Fat Boy Slim It's the fucking Rockefeller's gang Fat Boyson is fucking in heaven Fat Boyson is fucking in heaven Maybe this is just for the Fat Boys Slim It's out there

Somebody must be enjoying it But they're not in this room Got. Fair. No, he's right. He's right. So in any of them, I own the Limpiscuit account. You own the Fad Pils Limbaugh account.

I think you're doing okay, dude. Thank you. You own that orgy account, though, buddy. Yeah, yeah, you do. I got all those accounts, baby. In any event, so, like, now the party's evacuated, the detective winds up, like, they just find his head, which is a really cheap head.

This is styrofoam shit. It's so bad. I was, like, Who the fuck is that guy? Exactly. And I had to do character math and deduce that that was the detective. I was like, I don't know who the fuck that is.

I kind of thought it was a trap. Like, I was like, they were like, the, the Cupid killer was like, all right, put this fake head in the head. And then at the end, Vaughn just kicks in the door. Yeah, this will freak her out real good. This fake head I made, I'm good at making cards.

I'm good at archery. And I can really make a nice fake head. I'm a so-so-driller, so-so-driller. Working on it, though. I give up way too. easy with the drills, man. I love throwing drills and tubs. Nobody found that a degenerate, uh, weirdo

stalker next door neighbor, huh? That guy just like, yeah, that guy. Nobody found it. Nobody found the woman in the fucking dumpster. I didn't know. Nobody found the woman of the dumpster. Because somebody's like, oh my God. Max shows up, I guess to keep his red herring alive. Sure. He shows with the party. He's like, hey, you know, Lily's has

been around in forever, man. And I called her office. They said they did she never even made it to L.A. And it's like, all right, Max. I'll see you in the next movie. Like someone, one of them turns around and is like, hey, did you know that Lily didn't make it to L.A.? Like Denise Richards or somebody who's like, nah. Yeah, it's like a complete piece of shit thing to say. Like this guy who clearly didn't give a fuck about Lily and is a piece of shit called to make sure she's okay.

All her friends could not be fucking bothered. Dude, it's bad. You know it's bad when the piece of shit's the one making the phone call. That's tough. Also, if you guys were like, hey, man, I'm going to L.A. on Friday. Yeah. And then like someone was like, by the way, like Steve didn't make it to L.A. You never fucking shot. I'd be like, well, there's clearly an emergency. Well, yeah. Let's stop literally. I know we're at a Valentine's Day party. That's super important

everybody right now. But maybe. Like, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm going to have to put a pause on the party of the century. And so whatever. Now we're cat and mousing. This is when drunkered Boreanna shows up. Dude, and he's like drunk dancing at this part. Oh, it's kind of good. He's trying to dance with her. He's like, come on. Dance with me, babe. And this is the. is he evil or is he wasted or is it both you know what I mean right right right get away from me get away from me and like she she knocks she hits him with a fucking champagne bottle which Jesus Christ this is the cheapest champagne bottle I've ever seen by the way speaking of Denise Richards movies that

kills somebody and the other like somebody gets beaten to death with a champagne bottle and wild things oh that's right because the champagne bottle does not break that's because it's the pressure it's like the only time you can break it is when you throw it against the side of a boat yeah that's it. David Boriana's like, ow, and like, oh, my freaking noodle, man. Well, they do the, like, you fucked up my spikes, my 2,000 spikes.

Oh, you, you fucked up my bald spot. Oh, yeah, definitely. Like, Boriana starts doing the killer thing where he just shows up in behind things. And I'm like, okay, I kind of get that because drunk wanderers would do that. Sure, sure. And can we go to drunk wandering expert,

Stephen Sadek? Oh, yeah, totally. Would you, would this, this seems right to you? You're just kind of sun, you're in a mansion, you're wasted, you're trying to find more booze and or whatever, or a place to, like, lie down, or a functioning television, honestly. Preferably if that television's, for some reason, has a Nintendo 64.

Sick. You're fully aware there's a serial killer roaming around you, but still, you need to find that booze. Ooh, fuck banjo-casui, huh? That's a pretty good game. Donkey Kong Racing. Oh, shit, dude. That's pretty great.

Diddy Kong Racing, my. my friend, that game rules. You can fly a plane. You can fly a plane. Or drive a boat. Underrated game. And, you know, whatever. Marley Shelton is your final girl at this point.

Sure. You always do it's going to happen. Here's your final girl. Da, da, da, da. And she's, like, running up and down the stairs. She finds the rich girl. She finds Campbell. She finds the fucking detective.

She finds... She doesn't. find the rich girl oh she doesn't find the rich no no no the rich girl not not dorothy the other rich girl the girl that gets the glass through the head oh yeah she she's long dead she finds her she finds her she finds

Denise Richards she's screaming around there's like a stairway thing that happens here it's like really uneventful climax well it's like so the cherub killer comes out yeah there's like a weird struggle sure and then there's like a blam-o

and you're like wait what the fuck yeah And it's David Snorriannis who has fired a weapon at the cherub killer drops, you know, they get dropped. And so Marley comes over and pulls off the mask. Doroth. And it was Dorothy, dude. Dorothe Vader herself. Doroth Vader, man.

Thank God. She got some fucking bird shot in her head. More like Dorth insidious. And then it's just like this girl Marley's like freaking out. And David Boreannis like gives her big hot. and they kind of like fall to the ground. And it's like, you're safe now, you're safe, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the girl's like, oh, I can't believe Dorothy.

Weird that it would happen in the front of the house just like scream. Oh, yeah, it's strange. Yeah, you're totally right. Oh, and then that news anchor showed up. Oh, no, that's a deal. Oh, and then the dad fell out of the closet. Oh, no, that was also. But then, you know, the credits hit in Youth of America.

It's also scream. Oh, shit. But boy, oh, boy, is it dumb as balls? they're like hugging and then you see this girl's face and like drip drip drip drip yeah blood is falling and the camera just tilts up

and David Boreana says the nosebleed credit so what that's my question that was my ending of this like wait wait like how did they make Dorothy attack Marley

is it a two killer situation that's it screamed at it why not do it again is that right I guess oh well because they were like the couple, right? So was that it? They wanted to get back and everybody, but he wouldn't, he would want to kill her the most, you would think, or at least in the top three. Like, if you're, if you're this dude that was like sexually humiliated and like, and also, uh, beaten because this girl rejected you in front of everybody, said that the only time that you ever found affection was because of this thing. And also said that you attacked her when you were essentially making out. And did we even hit the fact that David Boreannis is Jeremy Morton? Well, that's, I, I, you You assume he is. Because of the nosebleed.

That's the only thing you have. But they don't say it, right? No, no, no. No, because it's supposed to be a... But it doesn't make any sense because that woman fucking came out and attacked her right before David Boriana shot her. So what are we even fucking talking about?

And why would... What's her name? Why would Dorothy kill Campbell if she loved him so much? Right. Why, you know what I mean? It was just all to get him in. I mean, it wasn't even the...

I mean, the housekeeper, I understand. They had words. Yeah, sure. They did have a little brush up. Yeah. It's either two killers or, to Andrew's point, maybe it's a thing where, like, he dressed her up in that way and then shot her. That's what I thought until right now.

But the movie doesn't say that. The movie just ends with, like, David Brianna's doing his best, like, I'm going to make my stone face seem creepy thing. Well, because he's looking like, you know what the look is on his face? It's like, when you really got to take a leak and you finally get that sweet moment of release, he's like pissing his pants at the end of this movie, just with a nosebleed. But, like, I don't even, okay. so he let's take it that he drugged her

and that like somehow you got her to act like a serial kill you like coached her in the room you just act like a serial kid like it doesn't make any sense whatsoever it makes zero sense it's just because I think he even says something I think the last line of the movie is like

I love you whatever Marley Shelton's character I always have which is like yeah because Marley Shelton was like the nice girl that said I'll you know we'll go for a dance later or something so like that all kind of fits but the whole Dorothy either fake out or also was in it is totally a mess.

Right. And I mean, I'm actually right now just looking at the Wikipedia page to see what... If anyone cracked this code? What the deal is and they just say that it's, it says, you know, his nose begins to bleed indicating that he is Jeremy Melton and the true killer after all. But it doesn't fucking explain why this woman runs up to her with that. mask on I turns out it's a bad movie

turns out it's a bad movie that uh is not doesn't make any sense no it doesn't make a lick a sense but what anybody recommended is the thing I would not uh it's a frustrating experience some of the kills are okay uh I mean I guess it's maybe like better than like a Urban Legend is a superior film for sure indeed because it's like a you know the theme makes sense

and like the kills are silly and stuff like that yeah it's a bigger now it's just a no just a no yeah there's better of this better It's a big no, because there's better versions of this. There's hundreds of better versions of this. There's better versions of knockoffs. Even Dracula 2000, which has the similar poster to this with the people going into the... Oh, the classic V, the flying V on a horror poster.

Even that, even that has more substance and makes more sense and it has Dracula in it. Phantoms, dude. Phantoms, similar poster. Better movie. Scream had that poster. Well, yeah, that's the one that started at all. Cabin, here's a question, because I haven't seen it. Is Valentine better than Urban Legend?

Final Cut. No. Oh. The second one's better. That has a great death. One of like, it's hit, it's one of those weird, like, every movie, like those, like, Fulci movies or something, there's like one good death. And you're like, is this a good movie? Yeah.

And that was me with Final Cut. It was like, there's one great death. And I was like, oh, wait, is this really good? And then, no. I mean, something, you know, it's just, it's, it's, with horror movies, it's kind of like, it's like an album with a single. You know what I mean? Like, it's just like, oh, that's a great single. Yeah, you're totally right.

This, this track, this album has some, some bangers, but, you know. This movie has that fucking shower stump. Sure, which is great. Pretty rad. Sure. Most of the, I mean, here's the thing. It's a light recommend. Oh, here you comes.

I'm a sucker for a slasher. Yeah, sure. You all well know. And I think it's a thing where it's like, I don't know. You can put this on. It's like a hangover slasher. Sure. Nobody has to pay it.

engine a dittly dick. Yeah. But it's there. It's something. You're doing your laundry and you don't pause it. Like you go down in the laundry room for like 24 minutes.

You fold stuff. Sure. It is a straight up don't pause it. That's without a doubt. And it's also one of those movies where you're not missing much gore from the TNT cut. You can watch it on TNT and TBS.

Pretty easily. You're not missing much. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's bad. But I've also seen worse. Yeah. I don't know.

We'll see how she goes. We'll see how she goes. Until the next slasher, that is. This was Valentine from 2001, directed, of course, by Urban Legends Jamie Blanks. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Steve Sadek, the show, as you know, and as you at home know, continues next week. What are we talking about? It sure does. We're doing a Michael Bay movie. Oh, shit. And you're like, are you guys doing bad boys?

No, we already did that. That's on our Patreon. Right. So you want to check that out. You might also want to check out our $8 feed for not only a great episode of The Nexus, and then a forthcoming Twilight Drunkmentary, which is going to be super exciting, and a Gleep Gloucletary, a Gleap Glossary. And, you know, next month we're going to have LRM.

Right, the request month kicks off. We're going to have a bunch of stuff on Patreon. You're going to want to see. You're going to get that. So we're doing a Michael Bay movie next week, which is the island. Oh, shit, this is like clones escaping. Yes. I watched 20 minutes of this.

one of our shows I was in a hotel room and I was like do I have to watch this whole movie you know what I mean I was like I gotta do stuff so I've only seen that bit

and it was insane it's Michael Bay's Logan's run that's all this yeah and I will say might be a recommend for me next week I don't know we will see

until next week I'm Andrew Jupin Steven Sadek Chris Cabin take it easy Eric on a Simon Eric on a Simon That was a hate gum podcast.