We Hate Movies - S9 Ep408: Episode 408 - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang kicks off the 2019 Listener Request Month with a chat about the heinous video game adaptation, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time! Sweet job at the casting call, Hollywood! What's with all the parkour? And what kind of an accent was Jake G. shooting for? PLUS: Say hello to the Buddy Brigade, Hollywood's nicest gang of friends! Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time stars Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Steve Toussaint, Toby Kebbell, and Richard Coyle; directed by Mike Newell. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program like Sand Through the Hourglass. This is Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sederach, Chris Cabin, Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everybody. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to the program, this is a podcast of the comedy variety where we make fun of movies, good, bad, and otherwise. And this week, we are kicking off the 2019 listener request month. That's right.

Ah, this little gem of a film was requested by Brian from Louisville. This is what he had to say. Hey guys, Brian from Louisville here. Love the show. My pick for Listener Request Month is Prince of Persia, the Sands of Time, from 2010. I saw this on a date in high school, and the date ended poorly because I was physically angry about the way this movie ended. So let me know what you think of the ending. Thanks.

now if the ending was what made you mad about the movie like what about the rest of this piece of shit i get that i mean at the time if i was in high school the end of this really would piss me off i don't know maybe it's because i went through high school pretty much dateless my question is don't you want to read the room like i've seen so many of these stories where people are like i was on a date with a girl or a guy and the movie stunk so bad i was upset he or she liked it and i and the date was ruins i don't know i'm like oh yeah that's i was i was i Question from the back here, Steve. Did that ability to read the room lead to you getting any girlfriends? Well, no, no, it did not, however. This is hindsight. Like, now you know what you should have done. We're trying to get the kids laid right now, Chris.

We should definitely do that. You should see what someone else thinks and just mirror that. Now, but here's the other thing, though. We shouldn't put this on the date that Brian had. Sure. claiming that that person then liked this movie. It could have been

a thing where this dude just didn't shut the fuck up about hating the end of this movie. That's fair. And that other person just wasn't having it. And the girl pulled a Donna Maloney and Donnie Darko just looked at him and he's like, are you okay? Wow, that's a deep pull, man. Everyone thinks he's so fucking red.

I believe it's just Jenna Malone by the way. What did I say Maloney? Maloney. Oh no, not like John Maloney. Or Janelle Malone. I thought you were making a 30-rack reference. No, no, no, no, no. But no, yeah. So like we said, this is Prince of Persia, Colin, the Sands of Time from 2010, directed by Mike Newell, who you may know, from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Donnie Brasco,

four weddings and a funeral, love in the time of cholera. Mostly pretty good. Yeah, not bad for the most part until you hit this piece of fucking hunk of shit. I mean, he's a workman, though. You'll never know he directed something. He gets out in and out like a... He's like a directing ninja. I will say, in defense of this film.

It seems inoffensive. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff. But his direction. Do you know who Jake Gill & Hall is supposed to be playing? Okay, Chris Cabin. But the action... Sure. I was kind of okay with this movie for most of the part.

I mean... Don't tell Brian from Louisville, though. And it is in your wheel... I was on the date with him. And it is in your wheelhouse. You are... Swords and Sandals. Yeah, Swords and Sandals are your game.

I see a glistening hunk like Drake Gyllenhol in this movie. Oh, my God. Look at that beef steak. running down a sand dune with sandals on and with a sword and I'm just like Yeah, I could lean into this. Famed Iranian Jake Gyllenhaal. You know, and at the same time,

like, you're sitting here loving this sword and sandal shit. I wanted to take this magic dagger and fucking cut my throat with it. I hate this shit. I cannot watch this stuff. You love time travel. Dude, this is some phony baloney one minute at a time travel

this fucking minor league. Wait, time cut makes sense. Where is the realistic? time travel other than in primer. I'm not talking about making sense, Steve Sadegh. I'm talking about you can only go back a minute at a time when your fucking sand runs out. Jerk me on. What's the difference between that and getting your

fucking gigabots hit by a lightning bolt? A lot. There's a lot. That movie's entertaining, good performances, well written, remembered by society decades after it came out. When you're trying to make a movie, that's what you're aiming for. Sometimes you get them all, sometimes you don't. You pull somebody in, speaking of a remember by society, you pull somebody off the street, make them watch Prince of Persia, colon, sands of time, and you ask them at the end of the film,

what year this movie came out? They would be like, 2004, 2005, it feels like, this is a real late 2010. I would never have guessed that. Racially, you're right, Chris, also. It's kind of weird that this is 2010, and I think that's why I avoided it when it came out. Might as well have cast Paul Giamatti and Menace to Society. I would buy a ticket for that. Also, I don't know why we're blaming 2010.

We're still fucking doing this now. What this shit is still going on. I just don't know why you made this movie the way it is. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Make, get like just, A, don't make this movie one. That's a start. But just like, just all of the white people, if you want, because I actually thought like

the beginning of this movie is like, oh, Jake Gyllenhaal is not the print. is not actually the prince of persia he's like an adopted prince of persia i'm like hey good move movie he's still from the same hometown well he but like maybe he's a slave from a different era or something he fell off a wagon yeah from he got lost on the lost old wagon kids but everyone in this movie's white except for like the extras you know what i mean like for the most part there's that one black guy who's like an expert knife thrower and i ever stop the tweets now i know that Ben Kingsley is Indian or has Indian heritage. I'm stopping

that right now. We said otherwise on the love guru episode. We ate some shit. I'll eat some shit. Please. I'll eat some shit. I need a shit hoagy. Do I have to supply it right now? No, no, no, no, no. Wait for John Waters to get here first. Cabin, are you re-watching his filmography? I am, actually.

I was going to say it's like the third fucking episode in a row. You're bringing this man up. I love him. What? I'm just saying this love apparently started three weeks ago. So this movie is based on a Vigieg. game right anybody play this thing i played like the old one for super nintendo a little bit i rented it once and i was like ah this isn't for me no i had no idea what this is is it like a like an aladdin thing it's the platformer that i played which was you know like a you know your two c two d side

scroller right was very jump heavy uh the graphics were pretty cool uh the gentleman was wearing a turban at the time but i think when i was reading up on this on the on the way in here in the in the aughts the early this game, Prince of Prussia's time, relaunched the series is kind of an action adventure kind of game. But you're doing a lot of like park court type shit in the new game. This made me think like a Tomb Raider like

kind of game. Is that what it is right now? You get into a dungeon. You're getting a puzzle. Because it does, the beats are very game like a lot of modern action adventure movies. Great point Chris Cab and speaking of Tomb Raider. That is our bonus episode this month on Patreon.com slash we hate

movies. Yes. A Another requested episode. Two video game movies pulled out in a movie. It just happened. Lara Croft Tomb Raider, the first Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movie. And I think just like that movie, this movie also proves

we got to stop adapting video games. We got to figure something out. What the fuck are we doing? I mean, what the fuck are we doing? How hard can it be to adapt a video game? Well, we did it once well with board games for Clue. Sure. But we really haven't done it yet with this.

I'm shocked. Yeah, I mean, this was actually, this before uh warcraft came out which somehow made money or enough money this was the highest grossing video game movie of all time up to and including when warcraft came out and this made like 90 million domestic you but like you had 300 made 300 million with a 200 million dollar budget though so it's still a total failure well yeah video game movies are failures yeah warcraft man that was bad um i will kind of defend that new tomb raider though we get into it on the other episode probably the best of the bunch, which is sad. I still think Mortal

Combat. That's my I think that's kind of the gold standard. It's like steal the plot of a different movie and then filter your video game through it. And that's your movie. It's so interesting how like I hated that movie in the 90s. And now I'm

like, yeah, I guess it's probably the best one. Because the bar has been continually pushed down farther and farther that when you look at Mortal Combat, you're like, wow, what a masterpiece. And it's like just in the campy zone, but not to the point of like, what the fuck are we even doing with Mario Brothers? Like that's a movie's almost unwatchable.

You guys are complaining about Jake Gyllenhaal being cast as an Iranian prince. Yes. Christopher Lambert in Mortal Kombat. Yeah, that's some white face. John Liguizamo playing in Italian. Well, that's the bad casting in all these moves. That's the worst defender of them all.

So we open on a picture of the desert and we get some fucking papyrus font like we're watching a documentary where Michelle Rodriguez does ayahuasca, which is a documentary? documentary I watched last weekend, by the way. Now, is this a fake documentary, and it's just a TV special hidden on Hulu to make people like Steve think it's a documentary?

It's like 67 minutes, which you know that you can spell a red flag right away. It is, it's made by this rich guy. He's like, oh, man, the... A movie made by a rich person. I'll tell you why this guy's rich and it's fucking hilarious. It's this guy's like, yeah, man, what even is existence, blah, blah, blah. I did ayahuasca with all my rich friends, the most famous of which was Michelle Rodriguez for no reason. Is this the same guy who did Easy Rider 2?

No, but he did. In the 90s, he bought beer.com for $30,000. And then a couple of weeks later, sold it for $7 million. Wow. In a couple of weeks, actually, you know what? I'm impressed by this guy. That's pretty awesome. I should also point out, I immediately thought about this from the opening thing where we see fireworks over the Magic Kingdom.

This is Disney desperately trying for a new Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Oh, for sure. better believe it. They could see that shit was running on fumes. And speaking of the Magic Kingdom and all of the street rat action we're about to get, this is probably going to be better than an Aladdin movie that's coming out. I'm, well, yes, probably. I'm just, although racially that the Aladdin movie is better because there's actual brown people in it, which is fucking thank you for anything. But this movie won't have a, this movie does not have a juiced up genie. Yeah, that's true. Which means this movie's better. Yeah, I think at the end of the day,

the sands of time will tell them. I take that bet. I bet no one's at least going to be You can't bet on opinions, you fucking gambling addicts. Also, how much you got? We can't bet on a Chris Cabin opinion, which is the most chronic, people don't know this. He is one of the most contrarian film critics to ever walk the earth. That's true. Confirmed by hard data. Yes, hard data, like three guys at MIT.

Yeah. Hard data. That's like a nerd porno. Chris Cabin, his mother was a contrarian, his father a bastard. Then they formed him the most contrarian. film critic of all time. How does Liam Neeson know so much about my life? Because didn't he give that interview to you?

I did the one for The Guardian. So we get one of my favorite movie tropes ever, which is a prologue that will be needlessly explained in about 20 minutes after the movie begins anyway. So why even have it? And it's the worst way to display this kind of information where it does it like four words at a time. So you're just reading like, I think,

it's honestly one sentence that is presented on like six different slide transitions. Oh, it's annoying. I think I have it here. It said some lives are linked across time, but that comes up really slow it. It takes a while to get there. Dash

Destiny Let's start the movie. That's all great. That's awesome. I'm so excited for this movie. And what you just read is like they put it up seriously like one or two words at a time. Yeah. It is said. That lives.

Some lives. Some. No, no. I got to start over. Only a king's blood has destiny. So, uh, we, we meet, uh, the king's son is doing something in the marketplace with this kid named Dastan. Daston gets in trouble.

Isn't it Dustin? No, that's the American version. He wants Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah. It's like, oh my God, if his name was Dustin in this movie. That would be pretty great. They call him Dusty, the dust man. Oh, Dusty.

of Persia. The Prince of Poughkeepsie. Hell, yeah, dude. We are in the Royal City of Nassaf, we are told. Okay. And the king's coming through. And something happens. Some kids getting beat up. And this guy Das Dan chucks an apple at this motherfucker and like stands up for this little kid. And the king says, that's a genius boy.

Yeah, here's this kid just standing up for another kid. Oh, I'm just going to steal this little guy. They're about to cut his arm off, and the king was, like, literally tired of, like, he just got bored of it, like, looking to see, people, little kids get maimed. Like, it wasn't, like, moral. It was just like, I've seen that so many times. Like, oh, God, what else is on? I can't even shoot to this anymore. Do you know how many rooms in my palace are filled with children hands?

This is at least 17 at this point. What if we put a whole child in one of those rooms? Well, cut him up. Oh, no, oh, no, leave him in one piece. Oh, something new. Feed him. you say. Get clothes for him.

Calling him Dustin. All right. He's caught by the way after like some serious CGI parkour. This shit looks terrible.

It's a lot. Like nine years out this does not age at all. My eyes started to glaze over the second I saw this stuff. And what sucks is you just know like I knew right from

that point like this movie is just like a hair under two hours. I knew right from that second that's all this movie is. And of course, introduced this movie in this scene is Sir Ben Kingsley. And you're like, well, he's evil. Well, of course.

Well, the boy deserves to get his arm cut off, my lord. It's like, well, of course. This fuckers. Like he's the number two to a king. Of course he's crooked. It's Ben Kingsley. Just look at him. Look at that eye makeup.

I mean, halfway through this, he starts singing, be prepared. Oh, he is scar. He is totally scar. So that, uh, that, uh, Dastan is adopted by the king. We cut to 15 years later. He's grown into Jake Gyllenhaal. And by the way, thank God for the genius cinematography from this movie, the yellow tint, or else I would not have been able to tell that we were in the desert.

Well, I mean, like you got to follow Benicio del Toro while Michael Douglas is off doing his stuff. You could get really, really confused if you don't see it. Guys, I've got Erica Christensen fucking O.D.ing in my bathtub right now. Wash off that yellow desert shit and get to my house. And where the fuck is Tofer Grace in all of this? So it's, you know, I saw, I'm sorry. I saw another trailer that Tofer Grace did in all of his wisdom of the entire Star Wars saga. And I'm like, you know, can get this guy some acting work?

Like, just get this guy away from his energy. Bay. And here's the thing, like, I watched it. I watched it in its entirety. And you know what? It's pretty cool. It's fun. But listen, stop acting. Like, this dude just cured cancer. You should have seen some of the headlines when this thing was revealed. So what, what is this now? It's just a trailer he made? He just made a five-minute trailer where he combined footage of every Star Wars movie. Yeah. So, including Rogue One and Solo. Hasn't everyone on YouTube done that already? But it's better because it's a millionaire. Yeah, it's better because it's Tofer Grace, but it's still just on Tofer Grace's YouTube page. Okay.

So that made news? Oh, he made a lot of news. It was something like the Hollywood reporter. Oh, Lord. Yeah. No, exactly. Like, someone please, I know he's got this fucking Jesus movie coming out, but that's long since shot. Please find something for this guy to do. I'm so sad. So, uh, we're about to siege, uh, lay siege to a city or a country called Alamette, uh, which, um, there's some bad information. We're, we're doing a lot. little bit, I think we might be making

a political statement somewhat of this film. Just the tiniest bit here. Uh-huh. You think, huh? We're invading this town based on false information that there is a treasure trove. Yes. They've got like legal forges that they're making weapons to supply the enemies of Persia.

Right. So we're going in there to bust that shit up based on bad intel. Alamette is, yeah, they're the rich and new. Depositions. Now, Colin, you got to go in front of the United Nations and let everybody know that we know for sure that those weapons are there. Tyler Perry, yep, yeah, I know Medea's funeral's coming out. But before you do that, you got to be Colin Powell. Hey, Poppy, did they get the sandglass yet? I sure hope so, boy. My time's running out. sands almost through the hourglass better get the magic dagger well press the button on his wheelchair to go back in time

the button we're going to get to the button oh this movie pushed all sorts of buttons for me so we uh there's three brothers one is a guy i've never seen before one is the affirmation prince of persia jake jillin hall in all his hunky gloriousness and then the third is the fucking snake-bitten actor toby kebbell who was in every bad franchise in every bad movie I was about to say I haven't seen this guy before.

He's the dude who plays Dr. Doom in the newer Fantastic Four movie. I can't even picture the face. He is the villainous ape in war of the planet of the apes. Or no, dawn of the planet of the ape. Oh, okay. That narrows it down. He's in Hurricane Heist as like a lead.

He's in... Wow, I didn't see that one. Oh, it's bad. It's bad news. He's in... Oh, Christ. That Ben Her movie he's in that. Jesus Christ

I tried to watch that And I couldn't I couldn't make it But it was a sword and sandal movie Wasn't it fun That's why I put it on That's why I put it on He's in a quote unquote

Good episode of Black Mirror Yes That's the one That's one of the ones I like the third episode I was like yeah I'm okay I just was like It's cool

Yeah Is he fucking pigs in that He's not the pig fucker no That's like some sort of Eyeball recall situation Like yeah he can like His home is controlled Through his eyeball

or some show like that's twisted You know the black mirror If you think about it It's almost like looking at a screen You're seeing yourself back Boy, what? Oh, yeah That's cool. Dark reflections You know, I'm just glad people finally

Stop telling me I have to watch that show What if you're... The prime reason Why I don't watch that show Is because you couldn't fucking bump into someone on the street without them going Hey, did you watch Black Mirror? Have you watched a new Black Mirror yet? Hey, hey, what if your PSS

for was trying to actually kill you. Think about it. All I can say is thank fucking Lord the Twilight Zone is coming back. I prefer the original show of Black Mirror when I would go into the bathroom, turn off the lights, and say Bloody Mary. Much better. Well, you'd have to say that into your

to Alexa. You say, like, Bloody Mary to Alexa five times. And then like, well, shit. Yeah, then it's like an electronic ghost. And you're locked in the bathroom. You can't get out. I'm always locked in the bathroom. So, Yeah, they want to siege this place because there's weapons. Ben Kings is way behind it, and they're fighting over which son is going to take the glory.

And then Jake Jones is like, ah, fuck it, I'll do it. Because I'm in great shape. But he doesn't tell anybody else. He just sneaks in with all his little goon friends. It's a mistake. It's a big mistake. But, you know, because he's the hero of this film. I mean, this is the hubris of the hero.

This is the journey he's got going. So he sneaks into this city through the arrow ladder. Come on, this didn't do anything for you guys. The arrow ladder. is pretty cool. Arrow ladder was kind of cool. It's fun. It's like 10 seconds

out of this two-hour movie. Look at that. A little fun, right? Right there earlier in the movie. Yes, I found it. I found a salty patch in this porridge. It also just reminded me, though, of like, I would, if this,

because this whole sequence, like all the action sequences in this movie, feels like what it must be like to play the video game. At this arrow ladder, I was like, this is a part of this game.

I would be balls frustrated at and screaming at my fucking television. Although I'm not too sure. about the science involved here the momentum of this cross Oh you're right We should think about the stone wall The science here

But also like this is not a silent way To break into something People are they shooting arrows At the fucking walls That's true What are those fucking thud sounds Hey why are we talking like this Well it's a prince of Persia

Everything's all mixed up anyways It's just an earthquake As I heard of it Yes he uses arrows To get up top of this wall And he does some cool parkcoring and there is a shot that is an Assassin's Creed shot

where it gets on top of this vantage point and kind of like gets his surrounding it's a big video game establishing shot I mean they're still using it now because this also reminded me of that new Spider-Man game that I'm playing you can make Spider-Man like perch on top of a huge antenna and shit

and the camera kind of like goes around them so you can see the city I think it's just like standard video game establishing shot and it's a post-perch jump too down into the ground like in a swan dive. It's exactly the Assassin's Creed. Yeah, so those games are like that.

That movie, I will say, as much as I hated this movie, that movie is way more boring than this ever tried to be. It's 10 times worse. That's got like weird time travel too, right? It's like, time whatever the fire. Yeah, it's like, oh, I'm Michael Faspender and me and my big dick are in the future, but we go back in time and I'm now my great grandpappy. Yeah, like they strap you in a chair and like shove some fucking needle up your ass

and then you flash back to a relative's life or something? So stupid. So it's like, oh, shit, that happened to me. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm poor. Oh, wow, I'm even poorer. Oh, wow, I'm dead. How many of my relatives were tard and feathered? Well, now I'm just some kind of gelatin thing.

I'm just wandering in the ocean. Oh, yeah, dude, the ooze. The secret of the ooze. So he, I mean, he threw a lot of sort of slow-mo action sequences. He sacks Alamette and lets, his buddy's in. Right. And it's kind of amazing, like this entire legion of fucking dudes on horses with fucking, with goddamn like spears and like, like, what do you call it there? Banners and all sorts of shit. They're like, oh wait, the door on the left is open. Let's go that way.

I don't think it's that easy to just sort of like redo that. Like, because it's like they're at one point and they're like, oh, that other door on the other side of the city is open just hang a left. That's what you would do Because what are you going to do? Still storm the gates? No, but I'm saying like And what I think Steve is also pointing out Is they go around as if it takes like two seconds

He's literally on like the other side of the town Unless it's not that big of a city If you've got a map and you're like going to go this way And then like all these dudes Like the thousand, the guy all the way in the back I guess you're just following the horse with running. It would take time. That's for sure.

But I kind of want like a movie That's entirely a castle siege or something Just like Just play out in real. time? That's a good idea. Slow castle siege. I mean, that's almost two towers, but there's a lot of other stuff in there. But this castle siege is excellent.

We do get some boiling oil being dumped onto people, which turns out he throws it. Yeah, Jake Gyllenol throws a torch into it, goes on fire. Big problem here is that I don't see anyone running around on fire. That's the problem, man. This movie is completely toothless with that shit. And it's like, fine. You don't want to show like Game of Thrones-esque decapitations and whatever. okay but like have some computer flaming oil fall on a computer person and he's running around or here's some screams or something you know what I mean anything it doesn't even hit them they're

just like whoa whoa whoa whoa wall of fire back up back up yeah totally back up back up oh no it's on fire now really back up uh yeah so he I mean like everyone's like hey good job Dashton, you did a great job. This princess it's kind of amazing. She gives this dude, Gemma Anderton, this is Princess, who's like, we're intercutting with her like, oh my God, Princess Tamina by the way. Oh, I apologize.

No, no apology. She has a name. In the American remake, she's Tammy. Tammy and Dustin. Tammy and Dustin. The American remake. So what is Persia in that, Ohio? No, Prince of Pittsburgh. Oh, Cabin already said Poughkeepsie. We've got to stay.

Prince of Bikipsy, Tammy and Dustin. Hey, Dust, if you ever pick your heels in Poughkeepsie? Now we're like... I'm just down the road today, baby. Now we're just like making the whackness again. Yeah, oh, God. One of those like fucking late-aught fucking... I didn't watch it.

You know, like indie movies where everyone's doing drugs and saying interesting things. Speaking of Ben Kingsley, by the way. Oh, right. He's the dad in the whackness? No, he's the therapist. Oh, okay. I didn't see it.

I was just trying to remember the trailer because I thought it looked fucking terrible. It is fucking. But you're also reminding me of what the fuck was that movie with R.D.J. Where they filmed in Astoria? A guy to recognize you're saying it. I kind of like that movie. But that's another one of those movies that you're talking about.

We're all like doing drugs as teenagers. One of our friends gets hit by the subway. Whatever. Go back to the old neighborhood. Feel some stuff. Well, no, it's the long-enduring influence of renowned normal person, Larry Clark. oh there are people that will tell you that guy's a genius so whatever she this princess is like here take this dagger she takes her most

trust this guard there's a fight between this guard and Jake Gyllenhold which we don't see which like when he gets the dash I feel like I just see the guard falling yeah he's sort of I remember what you're talking about though because it's in like it's wrapped in a cloth or some shit and this dude's trying to like make a break for it i think jillen hall lays this guy out with like one swift parkour kick but which is great but i mean like this is a big moment for the movie right this is when he gets the dagger of whatever the fly oh every moment's a big moment in this movie man so you would want this to be kind of a cool fight or something well because the movie at this point hasn't told you that this thing is really that important yet you don't know

what it is it hasn't been unsheathed or whatever to be fair like in the few and later in the movie when Dostan Dustin. I'm just saying Dustin guys when Dustin like no he ends up turning on Persia and realizing this was the wrong thing to do you don't want to think back on him

like brutally murdering some trusted guard of but he does murder like at least a hundred or a thousand of these people but we're not dwelling on it we don't have to be like didn't he fucking like really do he stepped on that guy's face a bunch he poured a bunch of oil

over a bunch of people and then lit it on fire. So whatever. So they sack this place. Everyone's excited. Toby Kebill is the youngest brother. He's like jealous of him. He's like, oh, that should have been me.

I think his name is Garvis, but we'll say Gary, I guess. Gary. And then there's Toss, who we're going to call Todd in this. Todd, that's, yeah. Who's the older brother, who's white as fucking the driven stuff.

Somehow wider than Jake Jillan. I don't know. He's like a featured BB. player. Like, it's really, really a lot of them are. He's Michael Sheen White. Isn't Tammy as well? Isn't she? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, as well. Gemma

Artitin, uh, Tammy. Yes. And Jake Gyllenhaal, Dustin, both, uh, let's just say, went on a long vacation in the sun. It's, it's not quite brown face, but it's pretty durn close. It's just like, all right, between takes, please lay in this tanning

bed. Also, we should talk a little bit. So, about Jake Jelen Hall's accent in this movie. Sure. He's like doing a Christian Bale in real life impression. Because when that guy starts talking, like, wait, who's talking right now?

It's weird hearing this voice come out of that guy's mouth. It's silly. It's a silly accent. Like, we're not actually trying to do anything Persian or Iranian or anything. Well, come on. You can't do that. No, I know.

But we're just doing British as British accents. And, like, historical drama, the baseline is British for some reason, you know. I just don't think they started when the British played the Nazis all the time. I think that was the patient zero. So we go back to the home base and we're celebrating having this big thing. And this is my favorite part of this movie. Oh, for sure. Where it's just, it's a quick two-second thing, but it's really fucking funny.

It's like one of these dudes toss or the other guys walking around like, where the fuck is Jake It's Todd and Gary. I'm trying to use their appropriate names because I bothered to take notes of their names. It takes place in Poughkeepsie. Jake Jillen Hall is wasted trying to do. He's like, all right, no, no, no, watch what, I'm going to do this time.

I'm going to do this time, ready? And he's trying to do, like, drunk backflips off this wall, and he just eats shit immediately. This is the good reason why I never learned backflips because this is all I would ever do. It's just like the scene in principle. That's the one reason. It's just like the scene in Prince of Poughkeepsie

where Gary tries to get on the Gary and our hero Dustin tried to get on the Metro North while drunk. Oh, that's dangerous. You know who would definitely have to be in Prince of Poughkeepsie, by the way, is Christopher Walkin. Oh, for sure.

He's somebody's like grandfather or something in this movie. Yeah, he's got like an American flag flying on the porch. Well, no, he could be like Ben Kingsley. He could be... Where you're going, Dustin? You're getting on that train. We're exotic.

Ben Kingsley's name is Nazeem. So Ned. Uncle Ned. Uncle Ned. So Uncle Ned. So Nazim, so they sack the town, Jake Nolan is wasted and like

the brother Toss, who's like the favorite son is like, oh, nice knife, Jake Gyllenhaal. That you, since you betrayed my orders, I get to have it. And I think is it Ben Kingsley? Who's like, don't take that knife. You, you've received.

enough awards as it is. I believe it's Ben Kingsley who mucks this up. And then Toss is like, oh, hey man, I got to do some stuff over here. Why don't you take this awesome robe back to Dad? I got this awesome prayer robe. It's nice

and folded. It's a gift from Dad from the city, Alamette. Everything's going to be dope. Have you touched it? No, no, I haven't. Why would I touch a robe? Why would I put it on or anything? That's weird. Why would I smell it? And the other thing is also, Also, Toss, I'm sorry, Gemma Anderton, who's Timina, has been promised to Toss as, like, his wife to sort of bridge.

His, like, next wife. We're told, we don't know the exact number, but we're told that Toss has many wives. Yeah. One is Gina, one is Gene Triple Horn. The other one's Chloe Sevenier. Then, big love joke. And just E.D. Falco, why not? who was that third woman oh she she's she's not at stuff she's got once in a time all the time uh oh right bill paxton i think it's like your genus something your third wife bill paxton that's right harry dean anderson stanton you mean oh yes harry dean and who the hell's that nobody harry anderson oh yeah i don't know what harry

anderson's middle davis could have been deed wait no who is the fucking mcgiver guy Richard Dean Anderson. Combining my Andersons. Mr. Anderson. So he's like, okay, bring my wife to meet. Dad, I'm going to stay down, locked on the fort. Hey, take this totally cool robe, which is really real and not so bad. Right.

And so they go back to this party. And I mean, like, here's the thing. This is some Joseph in the Technicolor Dreamcoat fucking favorite son. I'm going to kill this kid bullshit. Because this king is just like, oh, I love my fucking adopted son. my real sons are shit and it's like every word out of this guy's mouth

is my fucking real sons are garbage and this kid that I brought in is so much better than them to be fair these fucking sons suck because it's like okay I've already given this one Tossie gave him a ton of wives and he

illegally invaded this city I didn't want to do like the king was against it he was like why are we invading a holy city again okay well it's too late now I fucking told you those WMDs are not in that city. And it's a holy city that hasn't been breached in a thousand years. And Dustin was the one that was able to do it. I mean, he could have lost his army against this city.

But, you know, so his son's suck. His sons do suck. And the other one's like just a brash idiot. Toby Kevill is just a brash idiot. He's like, my one son invaded that city against my rule. And that other son, he keeps being in all these fucking franchises that nobody wants to see him in. Hurricane Heist! Really?

go to your room uh yeah i know you were good on black mirror everybody says you were good on black mirror but you weren't good also just i'm sure it's fine everyone you don't have to tell us i know you probably already tweeted it but i'm just saying you could undo that tweet so i can't believe they didn't watch black mirror so he's like okay uh you know what dostan you actually get this woman for your first wife because you did such a good job and you get to keep that

cool knife, which probably doesn't have supernatural powers. We're almost positive if it doesn't. Oh, you got a rope there. Oh, let me just snuggle on into it. And it's just amazing because you're right. Everything out of this dude's mouth is just making these two sons want to fucking murder Jake General Hall anyway. And then it's like, oh, and he

totally takes credit for the robe, too. He's like, and also, here's this robe, I got you, pop. So they put it on him, and immediately this dude starts disintegrating, basically. I need to see him turn to do a skeleton. Absolutely. Yeah, he starts. getting like hot under the collar like the joker just shook his hand but what is this poison i have

no idea i need more info because it's poisoned uh they say it's poisoned but it looks more like a magic spell yeah you already got a magic dagger just make a magic spell how fucking awesome would it be though if like he's screaming and you're seeing all this smoke and then the cloak opens and it's like fucking mars attacks or something and it's just this dude's ahead and a skeleton that would be so much fun have to see Beastmaster. Oh, does that happen? There are dudes and Beastmaster who are like, I don't know if they're cave creatures necessarily,

but they get like bat like wings and they'll grab you. I think you could call those cave creatures. Yeah, they'll grab you, Chris. They'll envelop you in their wings and then they'll open it up and your bones are the fall. Oh, I vaguely remember this. I think I saw one of those scenes before I greened out watching that movie.

It's a perfect way to green out. Yeah, yeah, and I was quite comfortable with my decision that night. But again, you might remember. attain more. But, you know, yeah, exactly. Let's go a little cartooning with some of this violence. Later, we have these, like, kind of supernatural, like, soldiers that show up, and they need to be way more supernatural. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, they're just kind of, like, a little too good with their weapons. These are like the snake guys, right? Yeah, the snake assassins. Like Persian ninjas. Cobra.

Cobra! Exactly. But, yeah, like, he just kind of, he dies. You don't, again, like, and I understand you want to get your beloved PG-13. He could be like screaming and then you turn to Jake Gyllenhaal. His face is shocked. You turn back spooky skeleton in a robe. I know what happened. That's awesome. Exactly.

I don't need guts falling on the floor. I just want a fucking spooky skeleton. I still don't. I think like Disney was just trying to not do that because I mean they allowed that I guess in the second Pirates of the Caribbean. Hey, Jake Gyllenhaal, you're afraid of ghost stories? Because you're in one. Oh, man.

I forgot about that ass line in one of those movies. Is that the first pirates? That is the first one. You better start believing in ghost stories because you're in one. Cabin, I think you're talking about, is it the second Pirates movie? That is penetration? Underwater Army of zombies. David Jones.

Yes. Penetrations in the third one. That's the strange tide. Yeah, dude. it's about the motion in the ocean you're in one you better start believing in sex stories because you're in one

it's not the size of the boat it's the motion in the ocean you're in one Orlando Bloom's like wait what why am I making out why am I making out with Johnny Depp right now oh you better start believing in slash fiction son because you're in one

you got to suck it before you fuck it because you're in one this is definitely dialogue from some Pirates of the Caribbean porno that I'm pretty sure exists. Of course. So everyone's like, oh my God. And there's no trial or anything.

He did it. And they like start rushing him. Absolutely. So the thing you want to do here is grab this woman who's also a prisoner of your people and jump out the fucking window and run away with her.

His best bud gets killed here. I mean, this character doesn't really matter, but he does get murdered. Oh. He gives him some cover. And he's like, yeah, no, run,

on and he gets fucking murdered. Are we to believe that this best bud is the best bud from the beginning of the movie? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, same dude. The one that he was saving from the from the hand chopper. Right. If there were a parents, if there was a Prince of Persia too,

he probably would be in it maybe or probably recast with somebody. Oh, 100% recast. Yeah, he'd be the winter Persian soldier. So they go on the run and whilst on the run this is when we finally get the fucking the secret dagger

with the time shit but there's so much and this sequence with the two of them just running off on horseback launches one jump head of the hitman one jump ahead of the pride

what the fuck I'm singing some Aladdin songs dude is that from Aladdin? It's been years I don't remember any of the songs really I'll tell you this though this sequence starts off the endless fucking

like Indiana Jones esk bickering between these two characters and it is insufferable it takes them way too long to like each other like to the point where like you just don't like each other like you know what I mean like this is good at work I mean you know his they both just lost their kingdoms right

that's true they're you know it's a tough time for both them but speaking of Indiana Jones like this does feel like that not only there but in the action sequences especially later on and it turns out this guy also directed a bunch of the young Indiana Jones shit oh did he really makes sense Oh, interesting

I was going to say it was less Indiana Jones more the desert scenes in Aquaman to me as far as... Still haven't seen it. Great movie. You're in a desert in the movie Aquaman? It happens. Indeed you are.

Fuck. Is you a mind blown? Well, I'll tell you this. I was disappointed. I know it's my own fault. I waited too long to see the movie. But when I finally had some downtime to see the movie,

it was a thing where it was playing in literally two theater. in all the five boroughs and both times it was like 915, 925. And I'm like, I'm not seeing a two and a half hour presentation at 9 o'clock at night.

And it's like way the fuck downtown from where I like and I just unfortunately I'm going to have to be the guy that rents the big screen. Let this be a lesson to you kids. Don't snooze on the things you want to see on the big screen because you know what? They're not going to be there forever.

All right. it's so hard to say goodbye you say that now but kids rest assured you're going to be like bewildered in like 20 years when suddenly they're doing a retrospective

of it at fucking film form they fucking did the total recall at film form and I'm like what world is this no I know dude I want to do a Jason Mamoa retrospective let's do it oh they'll do a James Juan

retrospective eventually There's a bunch of fuckers in that movie that you can do a retrospective one. Oh, Patrick Wilson, what the fuck's going on with him retrospective? Not enough interest. Festival canceled. A triple feature, man. Or I guess maybe just a double feature of those insidious movies. I don't remember.

I don't think he's in part three. That's a different story. But when Jason Mamoa dies, it's going to be a great retro. Like, they'll do it when he dies, for sure. Don't have to wait till someone dies to do retro. I know, but you never know when it's going on. We'll be showing Aquaman 1, Aquaman. and two and two and a half episodes

of Game of Thrones. Good night, everybody. Perfect. I'm in. That's all I want. And the bad batch. Oh, dude, that movie fucking sucks ass. I love it. What is there to love you

fucking contrarian shit? Oh, sorry. And we'll also show him in that pink cool suit he wore at the Oscars. Yes. Oh, here's also 10 minutes of the show that he was on that aired on the Sundance channel that absolutely no one watched. It's some kind of

Western. Hold on. Let me look up something on the interwets. Jason Mamoa Western Series. What am I selling tickets for? Dot com. And finally, we will close out the restoration with his

much acclaimed remake of Citizen Kane. I'd buy a ticket for that. In the future... Rosebud, bra. In the future, all retrospectives will be at some guy's house. So you just go... No, no, sit down, shit down, shit down. $20 a ticket.

Wait, wait, so Rosebud was the name of a surfboard? Oh, shit, I like this movie. Also have the surviving footage from Dune, which, as you know, burnt up in a fire before it could be finished. Or after the, uh, Timothy, beloved Timothy Shalame was killed in that onset accident. And also, if you stick around long enough, I'm going to put on some porno later. just a couple buddies watching something fun two on one admission i mean two for one admission it's the uh pirates of the caribbean porno on stranger babes or whatever it is that's probably one definitely probably you're in one so whatever uh they're bickering in the

desert she like tries to trick him into the solution would be to kiss me yes then kill me And he's like, well, I'll kill you. I'll kiss you, princesses me, Jake Chinat all in a movie where I'm a prince of Persia, I am. Oh, kiss you right on your Persian mouth. And at this point, she like gets the better of him. And he finds this fully functioning fucking a button, like an honest to goodness clicker at the end of this dagger that allows him to travel back in time. And he's like, whoa, that's weird. and he does it again

and he looks like shit by the way which I prefer a lever A lever or a magic word Would be nice Oh come on no way That would be really stupid dude Wait wait wait wait wait Steve did you not read the trivia

No No this was originally the It was the sequel to click Click 2 And then they had it was much like You know how die hard sequels turned into God knows Yeah I see yeah

Yeah He just turned into Prince of Perjit Oh shit like so Adam Sand sat on the rewind button too long and it's like, I'm in Persia, Gabby, Goon. Originally, click two was Adam Sandler going to Iran to watch TV.

Here's the thing, and I will defend the button, even though it's fucking stupid, but how neat is it that in a video game adaptation to activate your thing, you got to push a little X button? It feels very video. I mean, and obviously that's the point, kind of sort of... I did appreciate that the way that this

plays out is it looks like you're having kind of like an out of body experience something about that I was like okay yeah it's something you're warming up to it no I'm not I still fucking hate this movie it was bored to tears and then she's like and he's like

what time travel she's like wait what time travel like she's trying to play it oh right yeah even though she knows the score about what this dagger do she does we kind of we keep bickering we get to another fight in another desert well there was a weird thing right here though to just maybe to explain

some of how this stupid thing works one thing that this dagger is capable of doing is running low on battery that is because like he goes to do it again or whatever and it doesn't work and she goes uh you've used up all the sand and i'm like to work without sand unless we know dagger don't work unless you got never mind the point is back to the future two reference also thank you i'll just say that from now It's just so stupid. It's like, oh, the fucking controller ran out of a charge. Oh, you used up all the sand.

Oh, you'll have to go to this part of the map to get more of the magic sand. You can have to talk to this dude and barter with this fucking guy. Son of a fucking bitch. I just got the dagger and I'm out of fucking sand. And my goddamn Master Sword broke. It took me a fucking three weeks to get that fucking thing. And it can charge now? Okay.

Okay. Oh, and there's not a mini boss there. That's interesting. That's a nice lie that we're all going to believe. I got to go fucking 10 minutes out of my way and I've got to go through this whole fucking fake dungeon, fight a fucking skeleton. Burn off all my health packs

and then I got to go somewhere else to get those. So he realizes what the dagger is. And so he then starts thinking, oh, that's why my brother Tuss wanted it. So if he has this thing, he can go back and change it and he can become the most powerful dude in Persian history. Sure. is the idea but

you also as it turns out I mean you're in the desert man there's fucking sand anywhere this takes a special kind of sand let's just call it magic sand it's magic sand it's magic sand it's like you gotta go to like a special gas station that sells just the diesel shit

to fill up your stupid dagger just make it like multicolored or something you know like the stuff that you fill like the old coke bottles with that's the best go do that magic sand that's the all it's sand art. That's the stuff. That's what you put in this stupid glass dagger. The shit that

parents had to waste money on so you can just have something to do at your kids' fucking birthday party if you didn't want to go to a chunky cheese, but also didn't have a pool in your backyard. Magic sand party. Wow. I never even heard of this. Oh, come on. You saw it. Like bottles with like different color sand in it. I'm just so much young. Guys. I'm just so much younger than you guys. I wouldn't I wouldn't even get your frame of references. Welcome to the Woodstock General Store, man. We're having a sale on wacky sand art, man.

Oh, that's the... Hold on a second. It wouldn't be magic sand. It'd be wacky sand. No, but that dude definitely sold me candy cigarettes. Oh, okay. They're usually sold at the same store. I remember candy cigarettes, dude.

That's something you won't see anymore. Not anymore, but boy, was that something. Yeah, these fucking millennials, man, don't know what candy cigarettes are. I think we are. Millennials ruined the candy. cigarette industry. Well, you guys are bitter old Gen Xers

and I'm a young plucky millennial. Actually, I think we all fall under the millennial. We're all on. We all are like senior millennial. Exactly. Also, dude, you, you've, there have been a lot of words used to describe you over the years. Me? Yes. However,

plucky, not one. No? Not one. What if I get feathers? Think about having them install. And you've always been leaning more towards this. senior than the millennial. I'm just an old soul, Chris, just lost in this world. They get captured by Alfred Molina, who by the way, is in this movie. I was shocked. I was like, wait, what?

They get captured as they start riding into the Valley of the Slaves. And now to contextualize this for you, Valley of the slaves is just Sherwood Forest and Alfred Molina is Friar Tuck and the dude that throws the knives is just Will Scarlet.

There you go. Well, we also have to talk about the first time we see Alphra Milina, he goes like, he goes like, Moteret. You were doing the finger thing silently for so long? I thought for a second,

you forgot this was a podcast. I was like, what the fuck is he doing? You're right, though. He puts, he hits a play on awesome mixtape number six, starts listening to fucking motoring.

He's in his underwear. He's waving a gun around for some reason. Who knows why? There's a little Persian dude behind him throwing snaps. And yes, I think actually Gemma Anderton

I think steals the knife runs away Jake Gyllenhaal gets stolen by Molina Fur. She fakes passing out and then fucking hits him in the head with a bone like the beginning of 2001. And this guy Alfa Milina's like oh my friend here it's your classic and he's a black guy and it's like oh it's your classic like oh this guy

saved my life once so now he's indebted to me forever or I saved his life once and blah blah blah and he's from the Mbaka tribe, I think, as they call it. Correct. He says he's from Mbaka and that they're all like masters of throwing knives, I guess, is the answer. He's his wookie and he's Hans Solo. Pretty much.

And I mean, like, the idea is like, oh, he's so good with knives. And like, there's this stupid runner which, when they do it at the end, it lands with a thud, which is like, have I ever told you about the Mbaka tribe? And the first time he's like, no, what? And it's like, well, they're the best throwing knife people in the world. so the blah blah blah blah blah and like that's just kind of like in there that kind of gets brought back later whatever yeah no well it gets brought back for a very important reason this guy is a very important character in this movie is he though sure but before all that happens we have to have the thing of like this dude

throws a knife and it's like boom and like almost hits his dick yeah and then alfred malina has to be like oh don't you think he could throw it a couple inches higher next time and I'm like yep stabbing Dix. I mean, not only is he Friar Chuck, though, Eric, he's definitely a little bit, or more than a little bit, doing Johnny Depp and Pirates, right? Yeah. He's a little bit, Keith Richards, he's slaggery, slur and worse. It's like a sexy merchant. Yes. But it's Alfred Molina. Yeah, but he's a sexy older man.

And he also, like a fagin vibe a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Like a mastermind, or it has like a series of crime. Do you think that Jake Gyllenhaal and Alford Blah talked about that one time when Jake Jelenhall was almost in Spider-Man too? Probably not. Well, he's now in Spider-Man.

What is it? What is it in your new legislation? It's like Spider-Man? We're in Spider-Man. You've got to count Spider-Verse in there. Oh, that would be seven then, I think. Great. He's playing the maestro?

Yes. Mysterio. Mysterio. And yeah. Because there was, in Spider-Man 2, Toby got hurt and he was almost not going to be able to do the movie. How do you get hurt in the pussy-possy?

They say it was on C-Bisket set, but I think it might have been pussy-possy-related. Whatever it was, it was a back injury. Oh, shit, dude. You got to be doing all that, like, wire shit. I think it was a thing. Too much humpin. They said, here's the thing.

Yeah, they said it was a C-Biscuit thing. I think it was a thing. They were all at a diner, and he talked shit to the wrong dude, and then a bunch of guys kicked him in an ass. There's an injury sustained on Don's Plum. That would be amazing. By the way, for new listeners, if they don't know, the pussy posse, we're not just being crude dudes.

No. With attitudes. No, we're not that. We're referring to a sexual cabal that Leonardo DiCaprio ran, a group of friends. A group of sex criminal-ish friends. I think sex enjoyers. I think Toby probably got a pretty mean. kicking from those boys, but then the monster

from the garbage from O'Holland Drive finished him off. I feel like that across town, fucking Jake Jill and all and his buddies are literally just playing N64 and eating Doritos and like are vaguely stone like, this is kind of a great night. Then someone

fucks up on Donkey Kong and goes like, oh shit! And they're like, oh, Jerry just said a swear. We're the buddy posse because we're buddies? Duh. The title seemed pretty obvious to Oz when you have to name a group of buddies. All right, so who is in the buddy posse?

Oh, God, great question. And you know what sucks? Because I knew this was coming and I was like, you don't have a thing. No, we got... People around that age, oh, fuck yeah. Ryan Gosling. Oh, Ryan Gosling is in the Leo Roll.

Ryan Gosling is also coming off the Disney Channel stuff. And he's Canadian and he's nice. Exactly. Yeah, so the buddy posse. Which, shouldn't it be called the Buddy Brigade just to keep with the alliteration? Alex, Buddy. How is Seth Rogen?

Yeah. I think that guy had his own fucking group. Charlie Hunnam. Charlie Hunnam. Absolutely in the Buddy Brigade. Tom Everett, Scott. Oh, he's a little older than those dudes, but maybe. Hey, hey, Jake, you're going to come over.

You're going to go over his house. We're going to be watching Ghosts. Busters 2 later. Oh, man, I love that one. It's better than the first one if you ask me. I'll bring the key toad. It's him. You know who could be in it, though?

You said Seth Rogen, Kevin. I don't know about that, but definitely from that, like, era Martin Star, he could have been to the Buddy Brigade. How about James Vanderbyke? Oh, yeah. The beak is definitely in those. I'm having a hard time trying to remember, like, nice people.

But on the, on the Vanderbeek, I'm the Vanderbeek, I'm the Vanderbeek, though. happened, Joshua Jackson, definitely part of the Buddy Brigade. Yeah, yeah, also would be. Another nice Canadian, absolutely part of the Buddy Brigade. Loved playing N-64. You know what? I know we all like Mountain Dew, so I

got every kind of Mountain Dew they had. We're having a party, boys. How about that? Someone shows up, it's like, guys, I got it. It holds up a bunch of bags of Taco Bell. Then when X-Men came out, everyone, the Buddy Brigade was so excited. They all went to see it. And the Pussy

posse, he stood right in front of them. They were all drunken, right? They're ruining the movie. Oh, great. All right, who's going to go up and get the manager? We just want to play Xbox. You guys want to eat bucks. Oh, shit, Tofer Grace.

Oh, yeah, he could have happened? He could have editing Star Wars. Yeah, he's there. Yeah, that's exactly. Totally. Oh, man, we're going to go to Tofer's house. He's got a sick fan at it of the Phantom Menace fight. And because he would be significantly older,

the older brother in all of this that they all kind of look up to, there's two of them. Elijah Wood and Sean Ashton, the both of them. Oh, yes. They think that those dudes are fucking great and they're constantly trying to hang out with them, but they're always a little too nervous to ask him to hang.

I love the Buddy Brigade. I would much rather hang with the Buddy Brigade. Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Hey, no sex crimes. Fellas, guess what? They're going to premiere a new flavor of Doritos at the local. supermarket tomorrow.

We're going to break in tonight and get the new Doritos for ourselves, buddies, but we're going to leave money behind so that we know, they know that we didn't steal it, that we just wanted the Doritos so bad. Boys, let's do it.

It's almost the plot of like fanboys that terrible movie about breaking in to steal Star Wars before it comes up. But we've got to go to the Dorito ranch, the actual ranch. they'll have a day or a week even before the store stores the backup we'll leave triple the value of the bag of chips

just do the shop keep getting put out for us breaking in oh french cheese plate Doritos cut to the across town to the pussy posse she's fucking dead shut up in there man I'm trying to fucking push off oddly both both rooms pussy posse and buddy be great they both smell like cheese is there

now the question is because as we know all of these posseys and brigades you need a magician because you got David Blaine the pussy posse I don't know if you've got a friendly magician I don't know if there's ever been a friendly magician they're all nefarious Jonathan's a little too old also that guy's a fucking maniac

How about a friendly stage singer Josh Grobin Okay yeah That's that's what it is You get a musician in their cabin Good call Replace magician with musician I like Grobin hanging out because you know what

he's got a set of pipes on him but he's also a fun guy sure I mean within reason boys boys I've got the new hello I've got it I got it I got it I got it and just to make this episode Evergreen yes okay maybe some of those guys have been me tooed

by now it's a really good point Josh Grobin might have crimes against humanity or Lord doesn't yeah I don't know but you know just saying this was recorded in 2019. Actually, though, hang on a second because if I recall the big expose

on the pussy posse correctly, they had a lady member. Okay. The woman from Roseanne, Sarah Gilbert. Okay. So I... That's a, that's a, yeah, I buy that. I'd say, and I mean,

find someone better, Amy Adams. Oh, oh, yeah. She's part of the Buddy Brigade. That's it. That's it. Sure. Yeah, that sounds right. And they've all politely never tried to make out with him. Everyone has a crush on her.

Everyone was too afraid to act. She's mostly the D&D, the designated driver when everyone else has had too much root beer. You boys are shaking too much to drive the car. No, thank you.

I'll drive. She was older than the rest of them, so she bought them all tickets to the new R-rated horror movie that came out that weekend. Her boyfriend, that only shows up every once in a while, Paul Rudd. Oh, deaf.

Yeah. Def. Uh, anyways, so like, uh, fuck, that's great. We go to Alfred. Now that no one's listening. We go to Alfred Molina's palace, which there's ostrich racing. Just what? Come on.

I kind of like this. Actually, I think that there were some real ostriches in here. There are real ostriches. Yeah, I was, I was into that. I was into the real ostriches were harmed in the making of this film. But that's CGI, uh, it wasn't like CGI, Gleep, Gloop, Ostriches. No, there's some real ostriches there. There's also some.

Gleep Gloop boastridges in there, probably. A big whatever happens, they fight, da-da-da, they get away. Molina knows the score. That's right. He's like, don't you think I know that your brother has a, you know, I was in a warrant out for your arrest, but, you know, a price on your head kind of thing. And it will, you know, and they escape basically, and his idea is, I have to go to my very noble uncle, Ben Kingsley, who's totally not evil.

Right. Because I've never seen a movie before. Uh, and, well, I'm the prince of... They haven't been invented yet. That's a good point. Ben Kingsley as George Milliers hasn't invented them yet. Maybe he should, he should have seen like a puppet show before. He's been like, hey, my uncle kind of reminds me of this evil puppet.

We're going to go and sit. We're going to see the new episode of Ben Kingsley and Judy. And whatever. So he escapes to his father's funeral. But this is what I don't get. Sure. They leave the town, go into this valley of the slaves or whatever. Yes.

And then just go right back to the town, or it's a different town where the funerals taking place, possibly. I think it is a different town because it's then in like more Persian territory. This guy's getting buried in his hometown, you're saying? Yeah. Yeah, like he's getting, yeah, exactly. He's not going to be buried in the city. They just sacked. Yeah.

So, and the valley of the slave thing, they talk about also like Alpha Molina played that. up to make it a bad reputation when we're all actually just nice guys where did the dad get murdered though where was that at I thought that was back in the home base where the funeral's happening no no no that was in Alamed yes that was in the city that just sacked

you don't have to be buried right where you're killed no I'm saying I thought that the dad was back at the hometown no no no he was at Almet oh so this dude rolled up after the sack I see I see threw himself a party got killed at the party classic storm yeah

and but but by the way the valley of the slave thing that's what made me think of Sherwood Forest because it's like yeah oh yeah where it's like oh it's so scary

you don't want to go there exactly but it's bullshit everyone's nice there and speaking of uh Sherwood Forest Alfred Molina is very against taxes he's like a libertarian exactly all right

so I'm gonna live out in the fucking middle of nowhere because I hate taxes he curses the idea of roads yeah he's very much a libertarian so like you do when you're trying to sneak back into your father's funeral to pass your crooked uncle a message the best way to do it is to accidentally hop inside your father's hearse which happens douche chill man oh you are face to face with your father's fucking death mask

and he meets up with ben kingsley he notices ben kingles his hands have been burned Oh, he goes, why do you get burned? Why did it burn? How did it burn? Oh, when I was taking the robe off of your father as he was dying, and Dustin's like, well, I don't remember that shit happening. Oh, he must have fucking made the poison robe or whatever. How do you make a poison?

What is the poison robe? You just dip it in poison. Everyone is like, ah, shit, it's a poison robe. Oh, fuck. Classic Persian mafia murder weapon. And it's like, I've never seen any. anything like this at all. Yeah, you know, my cousin went that way. He had himself a poison robe and then his lady cut his head off. At least he didn't get poisoned pants. That's pretty

bad. What if it's like a powder, like an extreme type of itching powder? That could be, yeah, like an anthraxy kind of thing. Yeah, maybe it's that. But wouldn't then everybody else around you be dead? Like that's the funniest thing is that there, like, there's that like when in the Buster Scruggs when he does this and the dust thing comes up. Like there's a dust cloud when the guy puts the thing on. Oh, right. And I was assuming everybody around him is fucking dead too. Here the thing is it's just like it's, it's sort of like first responders for 9-11. Like they're going to die.

Oh, but they're exposed to it. They're not going to die right now. This is so it's not, it's not prolonged. Exactly. Like, like, yeah, if you were just in the epicenter of that asbestos or whatever, sure. But like, everyone else is going to breathe it in and in a few years. years maybe. I guess I could believe that. And we're in the olden times. So people are just like, well, he had a long life. You lived a 23. That's primordial anthrax. That's the worst kind. So he realized Ben Kingsley is evil. The movie moves on. Ben Kingsley goes to get, now we, Ben Kingsley's revealed the villain fucking obviously, by the way. Yeah, it's like he starts twirling that mustache,

like 55 minutes into this movie. I'm like, movie, I was there. I was there from frame one. This is when he goes to a stunt show featuring these like assassin people and he's like looking around it that's impressive oh that's impressive because we're told that the king ordered this shit shut down these like shadow assassins or whatever

but Ben Kingsley as the movie explains ordered it to keep going you know keep it up what if we were to come to a different understanding and the brother of the king was actually kind of the king how about that and doing anything for you what i'm saying is jeb has to be on board

there is a uh a dagger shooting guy that guy's pretty cool there's the dagger shooting guy uh there's whip guy whip guys snake dude is my name that's like shut up everyone else snake guys here fucking snake guy man wow all your inanimate objects that you use as weapons this guy uses a fucking wild animal. Right. Yeah, everyone else has got the dag. It would be great if they kept going down in inanimate objects like, oh, there's a chair guy. Motherfucker's walking around with rattlesnake underwear. Like, just don't, I wouldn't fuck with that guy. He has snakes under his sleeves of his shirt. It's amazing. You might love

this movie. I tolerate this movie. I understand its flaws, but. So wait, so it's the new Tomb Raider is the number one, this is number two. You know, I'm trying some new stuff right now, to be honest with you, it's kind of changing my viewing experiences of these movies. I think I'm enjoying them more due to it. Oh, God, you've been reading the teachings of Buda having you.

Well, no, I have not, but what I've been taking has really mellowed me out, man. That's what you want, dude. Yeah, those things are pretty good. It's around here, by the way, that Garcive, Toby Kebill, is murdered. Well, there's this great, thing in this movie. Oh no, Gary. Gary bites it, dude. It's this great tradition of this movie that

it only happens twice. I wish it happened five times where Jake Gyllenhaal, through all of his bad accent, finally convinces one of his brothers. He's like, look, I'm on the rights. I didn't kill dad. It was an evil uncle. And he's like, you know what? I believe. And he gets killed. Every single time someone's like, you are right. And I'm going to. Is he then also, is he then blamed for that dude's death too. No, I think at this point it's just whatever. Because yeah, these dudes sack them and like there's a fun

fight. The assassins, right? Yeah, the assassins snake guys, they're throwing snakes at people. And Kingsley right now is telling Tuss, he's like, by the way, dude, your brother, Daston, he wants to stage a coup. And he's going to kill all of us and he wants to be the king of Persia. I

kind of love there's this one scene. It's kind of in the middle here when we're on the road where the snake guy first attacks. there's a lot of cool snake death. Like Jake Gyllenhaal is cutting these snakes in half lengthwise and fucking sideways. That's pretty awesome. So, so Jake Gyllenhaal somehow gets the hell out of here. He finds Gem Argenton hiding out in the desert.

She's like sleeping under a little tree. Yeah. And he's like, all right, hey, you got to come back to the movie now. You've been out for like 20 minutes. You've got to get back to the movie. Killing snakes, that's another Assassin's Creed thing. You have to kill a fucking shit from the snakes. I just kill snakes at all.

That's his tail as old as kind. Exactly. Kill them snakes, man. They do that in the Bible. Pitfall and Atari, dude, that's, you're killing snakes left and right. When are they going to adapt that into a movie, right? Pitfall? Oh, I'm sure there's a treatment somewhere. Or even better, a couple of fan films.

Oh. Hey, Tofer, did you finish our spec script on pitfall, man? Yeah, I think it's probably too long. Do you think, like, 500 pages is too long for a pitfall movie? I couldn't finish it because my sister was, on the computer. Could you get off, please? Stop talking to your boyfriend.

We can cut out the flashbacks to the Nixon administration. I'm going to need you boys to get out there and take the pitfalls and find those gems or whatever the fuck it is. Oh, you're going to get a bunch of concrete, you see. You're going to get a bunch of concrete.

You're going to fill in those pits so no American can, fall into a pit ever again. See, it's good stuff, I'm saying. We don't have to cut it. It's set in Cambodia. It makes sense to have mix it. All right, listen, Tofer, listen, how about this, man, three words.

Pits throughout time. It's just a movie about different kinds of pits and people falling in it. You know what's popular? Okay, you know what? Pitfall. Into the pitfall verse. And we have several different snakes coming in from different dimensions. Oh, yes, Mr. President.

This is Henry Kissinger to inform you that these pitfalls could have pungi sticks on other types of guerrilla activities. And then someone just throws a script that's called pitfall by the Buddy Bregard in the garbage. I like that it's set in the 70s. Hey, this is a Hollywood executive talking. Do you think piss is an accelerant? And he fucking urinates into the garbage can and then throws a lit book of a... Well, you can't produce a script by the Buddy Brigade.

WGA rules won't allow it. That's true. That's one too many writers. So in any of it. But we're all friends and we wrote it together. So all are nothing, Hollywood. Nothing. Again, is piss and accelerant?

All right, boys, do you want to have some of the best pizza? Let's call up Little Caesars. Well, they are in Los Angeles. You know what, gentlemen, I think I think I hear a golden eye tournament coming up. We're calling slappers and one-hit kills. Shit, man, that's too dangerous. Guys, stop shooting Dr. Doak. He's just trying to get his work done.

No, no, Jake. We're not doing proximity minds again. That's stupid. That's stupid. Hey, boys, I think I feel a prank phone call coming on. Beepoo pop pooh, peopo. Hello, Little Caesars. Pizza, pizzas!

Slam! Oh, let's call Domino's now. Hey, beaks, though, you gotta stop smelling the markers like that, man. The Buddy Brigade doesn't do that shit, man. Cut back to the pussy, Buzzy. I haven't slipped in seven days. She's still dead, dude. Make plane razor back from the dead, motherfuck.

Better yet, make her disappear. All right, who's coming to the viper room? Fuck this shit. Who's coming to the Fiper Room? Fuck it. It's weird. Now I'm starting to debate, which is worse? I always thought it was the pussy bossy, man.

Dude, listen, playing video games, writing bad fanscripts, eating pizza, that sounds pretty cool. It's a life I've led. Which is why it's bad. Yeah, that's a good point. So, somehow they meet back up in the desert

with Alfred Molina and his band of dudes. And at this point, Gem, Ander it has told him that this dagger when you get to where all the cool sand is it's going to make it work there is this tower of sand or something it's a big swirly container

of sand art if you stab it with the dagger you can actually go back further in time but if you go back too far in time the world's going to end from a big sandstorm there's a lot of stuff about the old gods and new gods and I don't care it's hogwash it's hogwash but basically

you call this part of the movie hey what's on Twitter. But apparently Ben Kingsley's evil plan here. When they were kids, they went out walking. Oh, sure. And there was a hunt with a lion

and Ben Kingsley saved his older brother from getting eaten by this lion. Older brother, the king, by the way. Yes. If he doesn't do that, he would have become king himself.

And he kind of regrets that's a decision. It's kind of like, you know, Al Bundy going back to the football game, like his glory days. You've already done it. You killed him.

You killed. you killed at this point you killed motherfucker there's kin you killed everybody but you would be the next in line more than likely other than Jake Gillenhall

so really all you have to do is kill Jake fucking Jillah and Tuss who's still alive he just did oh you see I thought he was already dead no no no no no no he will die

but also I think that Ben Kingsley is like I don't want to be a fucking 70 year old king for a year and a half right he wants to go back to like being a king where it's like prime fuck time exactly like Cialis does

doesn't exist yet. Nothing's going on down there. So it's like not even Viagra. It's a real tragedy. It's the dark age. This is a special sand for that. So we're camping out the desert and this is where the awesome fucking snake

attack happens. Yes. And Jillon Hall sees what's going on and he backs everything up and he also remember this is like an annoying video game thing where it's like people who are really good at video games like no notice the patterns instantly, whereas I have to die a thousand times before I get it. So this is Jillen Hall sees where all the snakes come from at once, backs it up so he can

like just flawlessly kill them. And there is one moment that is truly fantastic. He fucking holds out a torch and the snake like goes right onto the torch, like slipping on a fucking Jimmy hat, man. It's awesome. Wow. There is, speaking of great snake action. Speaking of a great snake action

When Toby Kebbell is killed Which actually happens A little bit after that Whatever, who cares? They steal the knife Snake guy steals the knife You know he steals the knife? He fucking puts it inside of a snake

I love it He's using his best friends As fucking luggage Snakes snake smuggling But what's rad though Is he doesn't like You know he's like a snake Soother kind of guy

He doesn't like enchant this snake To like throw it back up he just cuts that snake open it's the goryest part of the movie which is unfortunate but you just see like snake guts so at this point there is the guy from

the Ubaka tribe has to steal the dagger he draws the short straw or something like hey you're in this movie so he goes to steal the dagger from this throne room he gets in a pretty cool fight with the guy that can shoot daggers it's not a bad thing you throw daggers

I shoot him kind of a fight And this was where just out of old curiosity, I decided to hit the old pause button. Uh-huh. We're talking like 35 minutes left. It's a lot of crazy. I couldn't even stand it. And the Mubaka guy is dealing with this guy who looks like Richard Belzer. He kind of does.

Oh, wow, yeah. I never would have thought that. Yeah. That's totally accurate. There's UFOs in Persia. Uh, hit you. Oh, you think it's part of the Belzer verse where it's SVU Hamas? side prince of person yep absolutely ex files yep all of it all parts of it

the persian government doesn't want you to know that the moon is a space station arrest of development that's included in it's all there it's all one arc the munch verse he uh so he gets the dagger in his dying breath he throws it it's a stupid thing where he throws it right into a tree right he throws out the window yeah it's sales like a paper airplane. It should hit somebody in the fucking side of the head. He's the best with knives. So even his dying breath, when he's not

even looking at where he's thrown it, it's perfect. And this is the line that hits like a thud is Alfred Milina grabs the knife out of a tree and gives it to Jake Jill and I was like, did I ever tell you about the Mbaka tribe? And Jake Gillen was like, yes, you did. And it's like, who could care.

Well, because he says it's sad because he's like, see, what did I tell you about the Mbaka tribe, man? All right. That dude's definitely dead because I'm saying it sadly. See, Will Scarlett's dead. So now let's go get the sheriff of nodding him, your uncle. Pretty much.

A little bit. It's very robinid. He convinces his third and final brother that by killing him. So he goes to his brother. He confronts him in his throne room. And he's like, you killed our father. He said, no, I didn't. There's actually her uncle.

He's like, no way. What? That guy evil. I don't believe it. That's just Ben Kingsley. Exactly. And to prove it, he's like, look, this is how the same. knife works. Let me show you. You click this little button

here, et cetera, et cetera. He stabs himself in the heart. Absolutely. This dude's taken it hardcore, man. He's like, you don't believe me? Here we go. We're going to hell tonight. But also, wouldn't he be like, oh, cool. My brother, who's a traitor, just killed himself. Awesome. What's for lunch? What the dude says, though, he has some line where he's basically like, oh, fuck. Like, he killed himself. He must be telling the truth.

He's really taking it to the fucking hill with this one. It's a red button. What am I going to not push it? Exactly. I'm not push the red button? Exactly. It's impossible. What if he takes it? He's like, oh, that sucks.

Barry that guy. And then, like, he goes to the bathroom and then he clicks. Oh, let me see his button. He's like, wow, I can go to the bathroom. Whoa, the shit went back into me. And, oh, there's a really dumb thing right here. What? In Prince of Persia Sands a time?

So right before he uses, before Tuss uses the dagger. So, like, Jake Jillon has the whole explainer thing. Then right before this dude's going to, do it, there's fucking voiceover of Jake Gyllenhaal saying the thing he fucking said no more than 10 seconds ago. Like, come on, Disney.

And I know you have to do stuff for like younger audiences or audience at large, whatever. But seriously, how stupid do you think people are watching your movie that you have to repeat a line of dialogue that happened 10 seconds ago? Great question. That's really disrespectful to your audience. Like,

is everybody paying attention? This is like the ninth time we've pressed this fucking button. People might have fallen asleep by now. Oh, it's for the nappers. Yeah, I see. And some dude's waking up. He's like, where's Sesso? That guy was my favorite.

Oh, he threw a knife out the window and died. Oh, what happens if you push that button? Oh, that's the whole movie. That's the sense of time. Guys, this movie stinks. Let's put on Golden Eye again. Oh, the mayor of the golden gun. One shot killed, dude.

That's pretty sick. Don't say stinks. Nobody plays. odd job. What are you doing? That's cheating. No, that's cheating. Restart the level. Restart the level. It was fucking cheating. It was. Either everybody gets to be odd job or nobody's odd job. Because that dude was short and he could get you. I just want to like buy a system and kind of have a weekend. Anybody in? I'm in dude.

Why don't we do the buddy brigade for real? I think we have for 10 years. FYI. Oh, man, twist ending. We are the Buddy Brigade. You're in one. Better start learning about a buddy brigade, boy, because you're in one. So in any event, this guy's like, oh my God, Jake Gyllenhaal's good. That's it.

Dude, immediate throat cutting right there by Ben Kingsley once slashing that dude's done. Pretty cool, pretty good violence here. Yeah, I like Disney. And so Ben Kingsley goes down to the secret layer of the fucking secret sand. He this whole time has had some team excavating this shit. Sure.

And he just gets in-charge of it. Oh, right. But you're part in this movie, actually, when he finally gets the dagger, like in this human he cuts fucking what's his face, his throat, toss his throat. He grabs the dagger. And as he's leaving, he goes, yeah. Like, anyone else get that? He's like, yes.

I did not see that part. To go off the Bells reverse again, this actually makes sense because technically this is a, like a deep underground military base. because these assassin dudes are military. Ben Kingsley's kind of military. And they're excavating the secret technology, time travel. The sandglass, as it's called. This is all just one big X-Files episode.

Between this and the fucking war in Iraq, a very obvious allegory, you know, there's stuff going on in Prince of Persia's Sands a time, it turns out. This movie's really saying so. There were no WMDs, but there were time travel devices. Exactly. that they were hiding. And it was Saddam's brother the whole time.

Every time. God damn it. Randy Hussein. Yeah, we killed a good guy, turns out. They go down, we fight Snake Guy in the final thing. And somehow, snake guy snakes turn against him?

Like, he gets bitten the face by his own snake. Yeah, well, doesn't... Jimmy Anderson throws it at him. Yeah, she grabs it in his eye. I mean, I feel like, and plus the snake probably saw this guy mistreating. other snakes like that fucking guy tries to use him. Well, he saw him use that fucking

use that fucking torch like a fucking condom snake. He fucking ripped his cousin open just because he had a dagger. Yeah. I think we're all luggage. And around here is this where we get like the like the temples falling down and all the sand, the video game mask? Oh, big time. I kind of like this scene. This seems kind of fun. It's so stupid how it starts though. Like Gemma Artenin's like, all right, Jake Jelen Hall, just following my footsteps because, hey, did you ever see a Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. Exactly.

Like, you got to walk exactly where I walk and no other part of the floor can be touched. And there's a fucking dumb moment of comedy here where a big brick falls and Jake Jillan Hall catches it and is like, whew. And then like a Looney Tunes short, a little pebble falls

and he can't reach it. And like this whole thing starts collapsing. And then you cut to Sean Conner and goes, Jehovah spelt with an eye. So this, he's fucking surfing on this. sand and parkouring all over the place. Listen, parkour is cool

when you use it once in a movie. Yeah, it's a lot. Casino Royale, there's that one parkour scene, it's fucking great. When your whole movie is parkour, that's a par problem. You know, and all this Indiana Jones talks making me think like, holy shit,

you know, for all this movie's faults, Temple of Doom is the more racist movie, right? Oh, yes, absolutely. Oh, absolutely. They eat monkey brains in that movie. Ewee. Eat your snake soup. Don't offend that.

Look, this is what these people do, Marion. I'm sorry. My name is Willie. Oh, that's right. Whatever. Great. You're calling me after your girlfriend you haven't met yet

because this is technically a prequel. Yeah, that's right. I'm part of the Pussy Posse in 1940s. Me, Errol Flynn, Clark Gable. Jimmy Stewart wouldn't take us up. He's part of the Buddy Brigade. Yes, that's right. We're all in the Buddy Brigade.

We play board games together. We play backgammon. I am Bella Logozy. I am part of the Pousy Pousy. Oh, definitely. Ah, ah, ah. I'm the token foreigner in the Pousy Pazze. I love this.

I love that it's like through time. It's like the skulls. It's a league of a extraordinary gentleman. It goes throughout. In any event. Would a Dracula count as the magician? Or do you need like a 19th? 40s magician.

Harry Houdini, dude, he was probably dead by then, right? By the 40s, maybe. But he was in the last gen, like the 20s with like John Barrymore and shit. I think the elder statesman of the

of the Buddy Brigade would probably have to be Spencer Tracy. I think Chaplin too maybe, or was he a, was he a Poonhound? No, he fucked his cousin, right? Yeah, but that's what a buddy would do.

You know what I mean? Yeah. No, Chaplin was the dude that had like the innocent character of the tramp, but that dude was fucking and drinking and smoking all through the night man. He's part of the pussy posse. Nice.

Buster Keaton, he was in the Buddy Brigade. I see. Okay, definitely. Okay. Or maybe Harold Lloyd. Harold Lloyd was definitely in the Buddy Brigade. Yeah, the love interest of the modern day Buddy Brigade is Maggie Gyllenhaal. Guys, stop going after my sister.

Oh, man. Here we go again. You want to watch Secretary again. But Buddy, Buddy, boy, oh, she's related to you. That makes her even more sex-alicious. Sex-alicious. I'm going through puberty.

I'm 27 years old. You know who else could definitely be in the Buddy Brigade? Devin Sawai. Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time. So in any event, there is a big fight between Ben Kingsley. One of many fights between Ben Kingsley, all of 5'3 and 71 years old.

Jake Gyllenhaal looks like fucking Bain in this movie. Dude, and Ben Kingsley is fucking handing Jake Gyllenall his ass in this fight scene. What are we talking about? And Gemma Anderton falls. He catches, uh, Jillen Hall catches her and at this point is like, let me go. And this is like, you know how this movie's ending. Of course. So she falls to her death.

Pretty cool. Well, it's kind of, I mean, here's my question. So if you're like in this noble moment where you're like, let me go, it's for the history. You know what I mean? Like, because the world is going to end if this doesn't. go the right way. I will, you know,

let me go, let me go, let me go. He'll say, oh, let you go. And he lets her go. And she screams like it's a surprise. I don't know. Listen,

you're falling and you know you're going to die. You're going to scream. All right. Here's the greatest, guys, here's the greatest way to handle that. Steve, put yourself in that position.

Would you scream? You're definitely screaming. He'd be dead four days ago. An ostrich stomped on him. you're right it was like the running of the bulls and Steve was trampled the death by the ostriches hanging out to face eternity as she is apparently she's braver than I think it's it to this movie's credit which I'm doing a lot I think I think this is your favorite movie favorite of all time no I think it's good that they

you have her die here because it doesn't fucking matter because we're doing time travel anyway yes it we kind of add the stakes and that's you kind of start realizing oh maybe everyone's going to live so he puts the dagger inside the glass. We're going back and forth. And this is my question. So Jake Gyllenhaal, I guess,

knocks over Ben Kingsley at some point. I think that's the idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's the only one who travels back in time, right? Not Ben, do they both go back in time? No, only, only Gillenhall, and he's the only one that knows what happened

in this entire adventure here. Yes, we go all the way back to the sacking of Alamette. To your point, though, Steve, like, they're both sucked into this time tornado. Exactly. That's why I was confused. It also just goes back to this arbitrary point. Like, why here?

Yeah. It doesn't make sense. It's one of the first times he has the dagger. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the first times he has the dagger. Is that true, though? Yeah, because he's looking at it when he comes back. I guess you could only travel back to the point in time when you had the dagger. Oh, like your lifetime, dude, it's like fucking, uh, but quantum leap.

Yeah. So, so Ben Kingsley trying to become king of Persia doesn't make sense then either. because when did he get the dagger? He never did. How far can he travel back to? But if he wakes up... I guess maybe that's not a thing. Maybe I'm just making up that you travel back to when you...

That's why I'm saying I think it's just like this arbitrary point where they just backed the movie up to you. But if he wakes up in his bed before the whole movie happens and the plane engine goes in anyway... Oh, right. So how does that work? Like, was what were as a sister and his mother even on that plane? All around us are a million snakes. Happy birthday Million snakes

No while he wakes up crying or whatever happened That's right dude Patrick's Wazes getting arrested getting his hand cut off Instead of the snake assassins It's sparkle motion That team also had snake guy Whip Girl They were all there

So he He winds up back at the South King of Alament Right before this big party he speaks to this raucous crowd like Ben Kingsley is a deceiver da-a-da-pa-ba right and we kind of fight and like he kills

Ben Kingsley pretty quickly and everyone cheers and I'm like wait what maybe it's just they hated their boss the whole time yeah all of his brothers are obviously still alive at this point yeah everybody hates Uncle Med and at the end of this movie

Toss is like you know princess tamarine or whatever her name is tamina i was going to take you for myself but actually since my brother was so cool about that whole thing she just killed our uncle out of nowhere i don't know what what is going on but you can marry the princess yes pretty much pretty yeah and then like they have some kind of knowing conversation i think she knows he went back in time a little bit yeah yeah because she's a guardian of the dagger so she knows it exists so i guess there's because he's kind of being weird and she's like oh if this dude's being weird like that i don't think she

knows the score i think she knows like something went down yes because this dude's being a little familiar well best fuck him i think people in that confrontation with yes exactly but i in that confrontation with ben kingsley on the steps of the city it seems too convenient that everyone's just willing to sell up ben kingsley after like 40 years of servitude yeah it's very fast There seems, especially this is like, this is kind of his army too, right? Because this is like his loyal faction. Yeah. And he doesn't even have like a parlor thing where he's like, all right, fine.

I did try to fucking do it. And you're a loser and you're a loser and I hate my brother. He just tried to strike back and kill Jake Gyllenhaal in this moment. So maybe that's the confirmation. But still, it just seems way too convenient. Like we're wrapping up the movie. Let's just do it. Yeah, you're totally right.

This stinks of test audience. Like, we don't like the ending where the lady dies. Yeah. Can we have the ending where the lady does not die? If I was probably fuck? No, first of all, that definitely never happened because she definitely lived till the end of this movie. Because that's just this bad fucking time travel screenplay. This movie never had an original ending where she was dead forever.

I feel like it. No way. The whole fucking point of the movie is turning back time so none of that happened. It just felt tacked on to me. It's not tacked on, but it's bad. which is the same thing as tacked on. You're in one. You're in a bad time travel movie.

You better start, better stop believing in logic because you're in one. Guys, that movie stunk. Let's put on On Stranger Tides and jerk off under a blanket. Separate blankets, separate blankets. A blanket. You're in one.

All right, fine. We'll play WCW versus NWOI Revenge, But no one gets to be Kevin Nash. We remember what happened last time, and that was unfair. Oh, man, he brought up the Nash incident. I thought we agreed never to talk about that in the brigade ever again. Tofer's mom got so mad. Hey, do you guys have your dishwala tapes?

The best, aren't they guys? Sorry, I got to leave early, but I'll see you dudes on Saturday at the third-eye blind concert. A dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. A dude, doot, doot, a dude, do to do. That's Jake Gyllenhaal driving in, like, a $90,000 car. Oh, man, he's using that radio flyer money. Was he in that movie? No, what am I thinking?

October sky, yeah. Different movie about kids making shit. Wasn't Elijah Wooden Radio Flyer? Maybe I'm making that up. Yes, yeah, he was. So that's also one of the cool. He's the elder statesman of the Buddy Brigade. Oh, farts, man.

And the movie's over with. Yeah. Oh, I hated it. Would anybody recommend it? I'm closer to Eric in terms of this film. I think some part... Closer to Eric. You're in one.

You're going to watch part of your five tonight. You want to be closer to Eric. You're in one. Get out of me. Inside the belly of the beast. No, but I still think this movie's forgettable and boring. But I think there's some high points. I don't think it's a hangover movie.

I will very soon forget this film. No, it's bad. it's really boring there's like nothing to it like you know there's no side quests it's a video game movie and there's no like cool little let's do a little thing here no it's just like here's the story you kind of know what the story is you know how it's gonna fucking end boom it's over the side

mission of this movie is they watch an ostrich race that's the one I thought that was pretty cool I thought that was pretty sharp myself and that's to get them fucking Alfred Molina as a soldier right well yeah well you party up get those XP points. Yeah, just, no. I will lightly recommend it.

And I do think it's a hangover movie because you can fall asleep at any time and you're fine. You wake up. You know, the score. The dagger goes the back and you know, you know what's happening. Plus, there's not huge explosions or bullets. It's a sword and sandals thing. So it's not going to be too aggressively loud for your hangover. Yeah, I mean, I understand it's not good.

I don't hope so. I don't know what's happening to me. but yeah it's i would say lightly uh yeah wow yeah this is a hard no it's a hard no it's instantly forgettable you know it's a video game adaptation man and it's just it's tough for me to give a shit already couple that with the fact that it's a sword and sandal thing which is not my bag it's a hard no for me i would say the two-mitter is worse than this film the uh 2001 the lara croft two minute i agree with that i think that's worse I think the island is worse.

I think this is... Are you having a bowel movement? Yes. It's just... It's the sound that he makes when he has a BM and when he tries to use his brain. Yeah. It's hard, guys. I don't know. I at least...

I don't like the Tomb Raider movie either, but that... With these movies, like, I just have to gauge it on which held my attention longer, and that did. I don't know if it was like the bad fucking techno soundtrack. I know what it was. Daniel Craig

Mr. Alex West Oh yes I think the island is a better movie just because it's the competent hands of Michael Bay and Michael Newell's just kind of like Well what are we what are you talking about the island for We're talking about video game applications

Well I just said that this was better than the island Oh oh oh sorry But by the way speaking of Laura Croft Tomb Raider That is our Patreon episode this month We talk about a lot of shit on their PS2, a lot of gaming stuff. We talked about... Parapa the Ropper. Yes. Oh, I learned what that was

on the show. I forgot about that already. We already recorded that episode and it was a lot of fun. So check it out on patreon.com slash we hate movies. Probably end of the week or something. Something like that, sure. But that is Prince of Persia, Cullen, The Sands of Time from 2010,

directed by Mike Newell. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now, this was only the first of several weeks of the listener Request Month, so thank you again to Brian from Louisville for calling that one in. And Steve Sadek, this is

rolling on. What are we talking about next week? A movie that I've never seen, I still haven't seen up to this point, it's a movie called Vibes. Yeah. It's Sir Jeff Goldblum and Dame Cindy Lauper. That's right. This was a movie that was actually recommended

to me like years ago when we first started the show. Oh, really? Somebody was like, oh, you're doing a show where you talk about bad movies. Have you ever seen vibes? And I was like, no. and that was almost 10 years ago and I still haven't seen the fucking vibes. I will say just a warning to the folks out there

that like watching shit beforehand this is a little hard to find as I understand it. Get your sleuthing hats on, gentlemen. I believe it's... I think I read somewhere that it may or may not be on crackle. Oh.

I don't know if that's true. I don't know anybody should ask David Spade about it. Yes, exactly. You'll know. And I might be wrong. I might be wrong. All I know is the four of us are sharing a standard

deaf DVDs. Yes. Find it if you can. With a buddy baguade. That's right. I mean, and otherwise just

take our word for it, this movie exists. So until next week with vibes. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zid. Chris Kavan. Eric's sister.

Take it easy.