We Hate Movies - S9 Ep409: Episode 409 - Vibes

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Listener Request Month rolls on as the guys chat about the ridiculous 1988 psychic comedy, Vibes! Is this the only time in his career Goldblum couldn't fake the funk? Shouldn't they have shown Cyndi Lauper's psychic spirit friend? And who was laughing at that terrible prolonged death scene? PLUS: Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Peter Falk played Hannibal Lecter, the chianti keeps flowing! Vibes stars Cyndi Lauper, Jeff Goldblum, Peter Falk, Googy Gress, Julian Sands, and Steve Buscemi; directed by Ken Kwapis. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, let's watch Jeff Goldblum touch things. It's vibes. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Tadak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, this is a podcast where we make jokes about movies, bad good, or otherwise. This week, Listen to Request Month rolls on with vibes from 1988, directed by Ken Quapis.

This episode was requested by Brian from Minneapolis. Let's give him a listen here. Hi, this is Brian from Minneapolis. I'm calling to request Vibes. It's starring Cindy Lopper, Jeff Goldblum, and Peter Falk. It's Cindy Lopper's first movie. It's weird. It's good.

I hope you watch it. Thank you. All right. Straight forward. I like this, Brian. You're a straight shooter. He said the movie was good, though. That sounds like a lot.

That's a lie. That's a lie what you're telling me. You know what? We'll see what happens when we get to the end of this special. I might just fall back in love with vibes. What you're doing is a lie. What you're doing is a lie. I got to say this opening credit sequence relaxed me to my core.

I love the font. I love the mountains. I love the smoke. I love the pan flute score. Oh, no, that's what killed me. No way. No fucking way. How can you, that's the most relaxing part.

Because I'm not walking through a geode store. What would you have preferred, like Tom Waits? Oh, do, do, do. I got some vibes. Close. I would like throat singing. I'm eating bugs. I'm Redfield.

Now I'm singing a song. Vibes, by the way, we should say, is a movie with Jeff Goldblum and Cindy Lopper. Hey, shut up. It's my Cindy Lopper impression. Are psychics, and they get under the tutelage of Peter Falk of all. people, duped, duped, to find some mystical artifact of who gives this shit. And that's kind of the movie. Well, we're trying to find the lost city of gold, dude. That's true. Yeah. The legendary or are we? Mm, you know, twists, a lot of turns. Vibes is a good title and all. I prefer

vibe busters. If we're really going to get to the heart of what this is, vibe busters, because it busted my vibe, man. I am, I am speaking of vibe busters. I'm kind of thinking that this movie is a shared cinematic universe with Ghostbusters. I mean, why? Because it ripsode off. It's the same deck of cards. It's the same institute. You cannot have the same deck of cards. Why the hell not?

If you're trying to set up a secret shared cinematic universe, you absolutely have the same deck of cards. To this movie's defense, maybe that's a real thing, right? Everyone was just testing everyone's the same brand. But if you're going to do that, what you need is at the end, like on TV,

it's Jeff Goldblum and Cindy Lopper talking about their exploits pans down and there's Bill Murray sipping a cup of coffee saying, yeah, I know him and I know where he's going. Not like Bruce, like Bruce Willis at the end of the end of life. Oh, that would be amazing. And then wait, okay, now flash forward 20 fucking years

and they make a disappointing sequel to finish it all on. That's exactly right, dude. They all just die in a parking lot. Oh man, you think that's what Jason Reitman is that's keeping close to his chest. He's going to bring in vibes in this new Ghostbusters 3. how awesome would it be in this Jason Reitman Ghostbusters movie

not saying it has to be the same character but if Jeff Goldwell was in it you're piquing my interest even a little bit we're already talking about Carrie Coon and Finn Wolfhard being in it that's something something you know if Jeff Goldman was in it it'd probably be like a Jurassic World too where he's just like at a court

proceeding against the Ghostbusters he's there for five seconds but he's the entire trailer you've let the ghost out of the box and now it's a ghost world and Steve Bouchemy's like what? Scarlet Johansson goes, what if it was a thing

where Jeff Goldblum was a descendant of the Scolari brothers and he's like, you wrongfully imprisoned my relatives in your containment unit this is fucked up, I'm suing you.

Sir Theodore Scolari. Or the Scalaries is a mafia family, right? We got mafia versus ghostbusters. I mean, come on. We're right here in the heart of the big apple, dude. That must happen every day.

I think it does. Speaking of Jurassic World, that's on our Patreon feed. We did an episode on both number one and number two, Fallen Kingdom. All of those are on there, and so is Larcoff Tupid. We did episodes on P and Poop. We often, well, not specifically Pee and Poop,

but Pee and Poe comes up often on Patreon content. It's bluer. This week's episode, Poop. From 2018. You know, I saw this last night for the first time, poop. I took a big one. I usually never looked. down. I just flush. And I

looked at it for the first time. Let's talk about it. So this movie starts. We're on a mountain. It's Michael Lerner and some other guy. Yeah, some other guy indeed. Michael Lerner, you may know from our Godzilla episode. He portrayed Mayor Ebert. Wasn't he also

in Barton Fink as the studio? Yes, he is. He's a ton of shit. I love Michael Lerner, man. He is fantastic. But he doesn't have much to do in this movie. So it's just these two guys and a guide. They get up to some mountain. And It's very arachnophobia opening kind of a situation. I don't remember a lot of arachnophobia.

I'll be honest, I've seen that movie precisely one time. They're not like collecting things, really. They're just trying to, like, they're the big puppet spider at the beginning of that movie. They're like, get it in the, get it in the bag. I remember like John Goodman gets killed in that movie? No, he's not. Is Julian Sans in that too? Yes, he is.

Oh, weird. He's actually, we were talking about this off the air. He's a good guy in that movie. Julian Sands played a good guy. It's one of the only instances of this. I don't remember that movie at all. Is it an episode? Yeah, it kind of is.

That's why you don't remember it. Because if Julian Sands being good just wipes your memory clean. That's really crazy. Jeff Daniels gets in like a fist fight with a spider at the end. I can't watch that. I was scared of spiders. Still a little,

little bit. So if I had an episode on it, would you have to recuse yourself? I don't know. Maybe I'd just cry in the corner. Here I thought you said you were scared of Jeff Daniels post the newsroom. Will McAvoy is scary.

So they find that reach the top of the mountain, the guide brings them there's this weird, big pyramid looking golden triangle. Like a light of a pyramid of light it looks like. This guide, I guess I wasn't paying attention because I could have sworn

this dude looked like Tim Curry. Kind of a little bit. He's like assassinated immediately though. And then this other guy who's not Michael Lerner, Like Michael Lerner's like, oh, geez, what did you do? And the guy's like, shut the fuck up. And just touches this thing. And he immediately, like, gets sucked in or disintegrated or what?

You don't really know, like, what happened to this guy. You go to the other place. You got to help me move these styrofoam stones from around the golden triangle. Yeah, not a very high production design budget for this little temple area. But this was from Ecuador. So there's something there. Yeah, I guess. They set it in Ecuador.

It's filmed in Ecuador. There's that. I don't know that this part is. Well, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. All of the wide, beautiful hills that they're on. Hey, sure. Mr. Quapis, guess what we found. A power triangle in Ecuador.

Your movie is a go. We'll write a movie around the power triangle. You told me there was going to be. I was surprised as you, Mr. Quapis. And Michael Lerner sort of gets like shot with some light or something. Yes. And sort of falls. over and that's like you're called open

new vibes. It becomes comatose we find out later in the film. You know what was striking to me? Top billing Cindy Lauper. That's what we're doing, man. It was Cindy Fever, you know, it was gripping the nation. But we were post the fly, if I'm correct. He's not getting asses in the seats for Jeff Goldblum. It's just weird to

think that there ever was a time in this world where people weren't familiar with Jeff Goldblum. Or were more familiar with Cindy Lauper than Jeff Goldblum at least. Is this post Big chill. Yeah. Absolutely.

Okay. I forget the date. Crazy. It's just crazy to me. Jeff Goldblum has always been such a huge part of my life. This is like

that Britney Spears movie Crossroads kind of in a way. Like this woman is a huge a juggernaut. Let's just shove her in a movie and like but instead of Anson Mountain

you get Jeff Goldblum which is a trade up in my opinion. Instead of Dan Aykroyd you get fucking Peter Falk also a trade up. I can't imagine a time when people didn't know who Anson Mount

It's been such a big part of my life. He played Bohannon on Hell on Wheels. That's it. That's the one. So then you're going to have to get lunch with Anson Mount. Well, Eric, you're the only person that watched Hell on Wheels. So now I'm buying your lunch. And now isn't he playing like Christopher Pike on Discovery or something?

He's got a lot to talk about Anson. Give me a call. He was on that fucking complete travesty, the Inhumans. I didn't see a lick of it. That was the Marvel thing that they were really pumping up for a while. while it was going to be, it was always in their like, oh, man, it's going to build up to the inhumans. And then they're like, oh, this is terrible. What if it was a TV show? What if was a fendangue of it? What is it, though? Like, is it on T. It's directed by the cell

guy with the one name. Oh, Tarmac. Yeah, that guy. Tarsen. Tarsen. Dengar. Yes. Bosque. Bosque did it, Eric. Token Razar. And it's got a fucking talking, fart, fart, dog. It's got a fucking... Hold on a second. Is this a television show? It was a television show. Was this the thing that I saw a preview for in the theater one time and it looked like a horror movie? Yes, probably.

No, that's New Mutants, I think, which is still actually like... What is that? Is that a television show? That was it going to be a movie that's... Still, they don't know what they're going to do with that movie. I think they're putting out this year still. They made the fucking thing. I can't keep track of any of this stuff.

Well, I'll tell you this. If that's what I saw in the theater, after it was over with, people laughed at it when they shouldn't have. So that's a good fucking barometer, dude. No, the Inhumans is definitely. Definitely Marvel Studio's biggest failure, for sure. I would say so, yeah. So you can't see it anywhere? I mean, I don't even know where...

I think they did... It's probably on, like, Hulu or something. Yeah, they did put out episodes. Yeah. So you can watch it. Oh. But I think it is, you's right. I think it is on Hulu now.

Yeah, just... But it was like... They went through five different... Like, it was supposed to be on, like, CBS for a minute. And then they were like, no, it's going to be a big event that we're going to put on through Fandango events or so. Oh, Fathom. Fathom events.

Fuck those people. Shit like that. And then, like, they're like, yeah, just put it out. We don't care where. We just want to bury it. Are they mutants? Yeah. Well, no, they're not mutants.

Aren't they gods? They're like, it's kind of like that. It's like, they're a fantastic four offshoot. But like, basically, when Marvel lost the rights to the X-Men, they were very similar to the X-Men. So they're like, oh, what if it was in humans instead? Oh, I believe. And now that Marvel has the X-Men, it's going to go back. I think the only reason this sounds familiar to me was because I read last year, finally,

that Civil War II and I think they're farting around in that. There's a lot of inhumans because Marvel was really pushing them for a long time. They lost their own rights to the X-Men? For cinematic stuff. Oh, so you meant like, no, no, no, but comics or something. But in, they kind of

retrofitted once they lost that right for the cinematic in the comics. It's like, you know, it's pretty cool the inhumans. No reason, but they're really cool. It's funny that you found it out that way because me and Eric both found out through Ensign Mount Digest. which you can only get in like the mid-New York area.

I'm a subscriber. So we're open, we're now in New York again. We're at NYU of all places. That's right. We're downtown, dude. We find some fat guy named Googie Grass. That's the character actor's name.

I think his name is Ingo or... Ingo Swidden or something like that. Yeah. He's a psychic. He goes in for second testing. He does at NYU, not Columbia. Big difference. That's true.

It's down. That's true. This is the downtown parapsychology studies, dude. And yes, it's the same exact ghost bust. Like, the same exact. They should have got the curly-haired guy. You know what? Get the curly-haired guy, too.

I, dude, when the second I saw those cards, I was like, fuck, where's curly-haired guy? A couple of wavy lines. Doesn't someone say, I don't know, a couple of wavy lines? Yes, they do. It's the same fucking bit. It's pretty fucking weird. I have to say the Google Glasses guy.

the I kept on I kept on thinking it was Kyle Gas Like the whole every time it kept Because he looked It was 1988 I'm not thinking about time And also the fucking movie Is literally a tenacious D song

Yeah Is it? Yeah it's like a fucking psychics Going into the mountains to find Power Some flute in the background or something You're selling me on this song This should have been like on an adult swim

So it's like this weird The parapsychology office at NYU Which I don't know if it's real Probably not You think it's in the Tisch school or not? It's stern business Oh it's under the stern label That makes a lot of sense

It's a weird like psychic open house Like all of these psychics are there Doing different tests And it's different kinds of psychics And we're introduced right to this dude I go or whatever his name is Ingo right We have Cindy Lopper

And she is a psychic In the sense that she has like a spirit guide Next to her name Louise Better movie Worst movie if you can see Louise Word Wait wait wait wait But who is playing

Well that makes all the difference Because if it's Doris Grau Better What about like a lane stretch maybe That's better Yeah Yeah okay even better Or like if you got like

like Julia Louise Dreyfus but like done up in death makeup kind of stuff. I could do something like that. I think I met someone on the train just the other day that has the same power. What are you doing? Meeting people? No, I'm not meeting people but there was actually, I didn't tell you guys about this. You're witnessing people. The last time I came up here, there was a mentally disturbed individual. We got a lot of the train. Yeah, they had to stop the train

and get the police and it was like, because he kept on like screaming like like uh don't don't you fucking talk to me don't talk to me like to nothing and then he's kept on punching the wall and all these guys on the train were trying to antagonize this guy and it's like you're not going to help anything no no you know exactly he needs proper it wouldn't be great if we actually got proper health care for mental issues and I mean leave the guy alone he's probably talked to the sham wow guy or something

oh shit that guy's a ghost now yeah that's a spirit guy That is a ghost that deserves to be busted. So Cindy Lopper is Sylvia Pichel, by the way. What a, yeah. It's some name, isn't it? And she is, I'm sorry, I think that she's great. Like, she's, you know, she has an excellent singing voice. She certainly does.

The character, this is, it's bad. It's awful. The best acting Cindy Lopper ever did was the girls just want to have fun video. We all know this. We all know this. I will say it is kind of funny because she's just doing her surly, you know, Queens thing.

There's parts of this movie where she gets to have lines like, you stupid piece of shit and stuff like that. And that's kind of funny. Yes. But she's not an actor. I need her out of window with a rolling pin if she's going to be doing that. I mean, in the queen's neighborhood.

Not in the middle of Ecuador. And, you know, Jeff Goldblum meets her at this study. That's where we get all our roundtable of psychics and this movie totally ignores the best psychic they've gathered there which is Telekinesse's grandpa oh right yeah that could have been useful right it would have been amazing

think about like an old grandpa moving stuff with his mind that's an action movie I want better movie Psychic Squad get all of them together now we're going around that's kind of what I thought was going to happen but they then only utilize like the three of them yeah I want you want the psychics I love telekinetic

grandpa because he just immediately starts talking about how he fucks women all time with his power yeah like he's like yeah i'm married to uh miss america and then they're like aren't you like 75 didn't you like go to war under lincoln uh and he's like yeah but i got the mental palace i'm johnny knoxville and this is psychic grandpa which would also be funny yeah the cool thing i mean also like this so if there's this many like i guess like julian sands put an ad up in the paper psychics are really real like all of them are real jeff of him, by the way, has a tell him

something or other. It's like when he touches something, he knows what happened to it, where it is? He's sort of like Christopher walking in the dead zone. Yeah. He is a psychometrist or psychometrist. The ice is going to break. There is,

he like touches a knife that has a murder and like he lets his test. And then he the only, I got a smirk at the end of the scene, like he freaks out about touching a knife that that was participated in a murder. It's like, it's terrible for me to see this stuff. Ah, and then he touches the table.

Someone had sex on this table. It's a good line. The two scientists that are studying him then look at each other. The jig is up. No. Fucking at the psychic institute. It looks like a pretty rickety card table.

I wouldn't be fucking around on that thing. Yeah, no, that's actually very true. Weight limit on that, that's 300. Can't be done. Can't be done, folks. And so Jeff Goldblum, it's like his first day, by the way, He's playing Nick Deasy.

These are some terrible names. Babelou Mandel in the screenplay. What are we doing? Who's Bobbleau Mandel? Bobbleau Mandel, he was, he's done a bunch of stuff. He wrote like Splash. Father's Day. Yeah, Father's Day.

So the classics then. Yeah, yeah, big boy. I mean, he did, he wrote a league of their own. Okay, that's something. Which is a good one. He wrote, uh, blah, blah, what the fuck is the other? Oh, Night Shift. Okay.

And his name is his nickname, I guess. This is about a blue man. Yeah, pretty great name. But Nick Deasy, not so much. That's a fucking placeholder name. But so it's like his first day and he's like new to this group or whatever. I guess all these other psychics know each other.

This is like old hat for them. This is just what they do on Saturdays. And like Cindy Lopper is like this weird, like she's like this sad sack that throws herself at literally any man. Even Julian Sands. Yeah. I mean, I'll throw myself with Julian Sands right now.

He's clearly evil though. So there's something sexual about even. And if telekinetic grandfather's taken She's got to find something else That's very true Dude she is fucking interacting with Jeff Goldblum Though she's at the start of this movie She's calling him stretch

And then she's like hey stretcheroo And I'm like oh Stretcheroo And even Jeff Goldblum has it up to hear With that immediately He's like uh uh first it was stretch Then it was uh uh stretcheroo Where is this going

Can you get one of those books With all the different fucking names Like it doesn't have just to be Stretch Stet Roo How about, you know, string bean? Like, fire off a couple different ones. They have books with nicknames in it? Different insults, yeah.

Really? Do you have insult books? Yes, of course they do. Note to self, buy insult books. I had the dictionary of slang, I want to say, when I was a kid. I had some joke books. Yeah. There was a lot, by the way, in the dictionary of slang, there was a lot of racial epithets.

Oh, definitely. It was, like, printed in 1993, and it was like, wow, the N-word, that's something. I bought a joke book online from the 60s, like an old. one and it's all like they, yes, they have jokes separated by national holidays. Oh wow! Like here's all the Polish jokes

and all this stuff. Why did you buy that? And other worse It gets worse for a wedding present? You bought it for somebody? Yeah, well, sometimes you treat yourself. So Cindy Lopper, you know, meets Jeff Goldblum. There's a little bit of a meat cute here. And she says to him that her spirit

guide Louise told her that Jeff Goldblum's girlfriend is cheating on him. to which he sort of like freaks out he has like a Jeff Goldblum freak out Jeff Goldblum could not give a shit about this movie I've never seen him care less usually he's a guy that like he finds a role like sometimes he's doing

like Brundlefly sometimes he's doing just like nervous Jeff Goldblum even in nine months he was engaged like he wanted to talk to other people this he's just dead he doesn't want anything to do with it well I guess from what I read about the movie on like Wikipedia and shit

and I think IMDB the two of them shockingly because they have no chemistry but like they didn't get along at all so like you can kind of just see it's like all right I'm getting paid for this thing let's say the lines and get the fuck out of here the weird thing about that is

is that they also in the trivia in the Tribune they also point out that Dan Akroyd quit this movie when he found out Cindy Lauper was the lead What? Like was there some test footage where she was just like drunk or something but also like my question is like Dan

Oh, a psychic movie. Of course I'll do a psychic movie. I love psychics. Yeah, that's true. Are there any crystal skulls in it? Do you think he introduced? He's like, oh, yeah, you could use that. You could use the bit from Ghostbusters.

That's cool. Do you think he was pissed off, though, when he realized, like, the end of it, it wasn't, you're not going to see any ancient aliens and he got pissed off and walked? That's it. I'm going to get the fuck out of here if I don't see some ancient aliens. Yeah, I, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no aliens. It's just a, a power triangle.

Instead, what if it's Beldarcon, head that you touch. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Suck my cone. Ew. Rub my cone. That's interesting. I never thought about that. Maybe like sucking just the tip of the cone. Oh, that's going to do something. That's got to be something. It's got to do a little something. Yeah. Who, but who's going to be able to do that, do that? Like, Kalima Olajuan? No, remember in the movie? They, they can open their mouths very large, Chris. Remember he eats that subway sandwich? You could fucking deep throat the fucking coat head. I didn't see that tongue like slithering out to be able to lick the Well, it was like 1994, man.

They didn't have special effects. We need, like, a new cone-heads movie where people were just sucking cone. Yeah. You know what we definitely don't need is a new cone-heads movie. No, we definitely do. I want to see somebody go eyeball-deep is what I want to see. Yes. Man, what was with...

Now I'm thinking about the cone-heads movie between that and fucking happy Gilmore, the Subway Sandwich Corporation had a lot of play in Hollywood in the mid-90s. They're throwing some money around. really were. They were building up their empire. Well, I think that they were trying to get in the stoner market, which is tough for a sandwich corporation. That's true. That's your Taco Bells, your

Burger Kings, your Stone, they're going to go there. But like, no, no, no, you can get Stone and eat a sandwich. And you know what? It was a good move. Yes, you can. Stop putting your food in movies and hire Jared. Yeah, they should have stuck with fucking stoner comedies, dude. Just put them in all the Jurassic Parks.

So, yeah, she throws herself at Nick, Jeff Goldblum, Then she goes, Julian Sands. She really wants to fuck Julian Sands. And he's like, no, but he's like, we're doing this great project. Why don't you come along with me? I'm totally not evil,

even though I'm known for playing the devil. So they're outside in the street. And Julian Sands and Cindy Lopper notice, or Jeff Goldblum and Julian Sands notice that Peter Falk is across the street taking photographs of them. Which when you think about later what Peter Falk's motivation is,

and what his character's doing and shit, why is he taking photographs of them? Excellent question. Makes sense. It's really good question. And also, like, Julian Sandslix tries to chase him off, you know what I mean? Which is weird because I realized, I don't think I've ever seen Peter Falk run that fast.

He really turns tail, man. It's awesome. Oh, yeah, I did this movie once called Psychics. I think it was, yeah, it was Psychics, and it was Madonna was in. It was a real hit. I don't remember much of it I remember running though Hey I just read this screenplay front

The back There ain't no sex toys in this And I kept calling Dan Aykroy tubby till he quit You gotta eat that fat show I was talking to Ken Quapis And I was telling him The John Cashabetes

You know If you got him in a mood In a mood He'd punch you And that's what really brought The fear out In my performances and husbands Was that I was scared

John. I thought John were going to kill me. Ken would kill me. Yeah, John was a psychic. I went up to Cindy Lauper and I says, I says, this is why he says, I says, hey, Rhett, you'll never be no Elaine May. She started crying.

Then I called her a stupid baby. I mean, you got to shelter the young ones like that. You know what? You got to give them a reason to keep going. I had trouble getting into Ecuador through customs. I had to check My glass eye. Hey, I go, Broome, you're going to finish that sentence or what?

I mean, it's, uh, we got lunch pretty soon. They examined the socket. You'd think they do that when I'm leaving the country, not entering. Hey, Jeff, guess what? This isn't a glass eye. This is pure coke. How about me and you have a party tonight with Mr. Quappas? I call it my eye opener.

So this movie has a trouble starting. Like, we've got this cold open. We've got this, like, psychic scene. Like, we should go to the airport next. but then there's like 20 minutes of fucking around in both of their lives. Yeah, which here's the thing. If you're going to do this, this is the beginning of the movie. Yeah.

But it means also, like if we're not immediately leaving for the airport, the movie needs to stay in New York City. Exactly. Which, again, NYC Psychics Squad, pretty cool. And you know it might be nice to build up a world that fucking where psychics are everywhere. And they're like this close to doing. that though and like that's what when when I watched this yesterday I'd never seen this before and I was like oh kind of a cool idea movie about like the it's like mystery men but with psychics yeah kind of cool

these scenes are out of order because we should get Jeff Goldblum at his work and people being like hey touch my car to make sure that I got a good deal right and this like let him then be led to the psychic program because his life is going crazy because of the psychic power instead we get him introduced to the psychics then we see his life is being driven crazy by the psychic power. And the problem is is that in all these, a lot of these scenes, it's all talking about what the world is. There's no scene of him actually going

to a car lot like you would say, and just like touching him like, yeah, this one's fine and stuff like that. It's like the scene in the beginning when it's the dream team. And they're talking each other. They're like, great movie, by the way. What would happen if two psychics had babies? I'm like, I actually want to know

that fucker. When they were sitting in that car, was like, oh, this is just psychic dream team? Because I'm way in if that's the case. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. By the way, you know, who should have done a polish on this script? Because it's right in his wheelhouse. It's exactly what he likes to talk about. Anyone? Stephen King. Oh, yeah.

This is a bunch of psychics going around. I mean, the screen pill will be a little annoying. Yeah, now it's in Maine. Now we're going up a little bit. Going a little north. Like way too much doo-wop on the soundtrack. You want to give Peter Falk a Maine accent? Go right ahead.

Hey, King, I'm not doing that. Can't get there. From here. Oh, yeah. I, uh, yeah, Stephen King. He's fantastic. You wrote A Nightmare on Elm Street. Amazing guy.

Great writer. So fantastic. Really, really. You ever see Last House on the left? Stephen King's a genius. How, how, how did you think about the hockey mask? That's what I really want. I've never thought of it.

Uh, shut up, Marty. So Jeff Goldblum works at the Museum of the City of New York. Uh, and this is a huge. fucking error in this movie you see the exterior museum of the city of New York goes inside and whatever building that they filmed it's not the actual museum

they've got like Egyptian shit everywhere and there's like a fucking woolly mammoth skeleton or something and I'm like don't you know what the fucking museum does that's the weirdest cut ever so Jeff Goldblum goes to work where he is like a curator it seems like for the museum of New York

and like we said there's guy's like, hey, touch this mummy, let me know where she was, buddy, and shit like that. And on top of that, there is his boss wants him to touch all of the people on the board to do magic tricks for them or something. It's just so weird that everyone accepts that this psychic thing is real. Like, everyone in the world, they're like, hey, man, how's it going? Do this? Touch my lunch.

Is it fresh? Like, what the fuck? Touch my lunch. be like a George Clooney-esque like a super celebrity psychic that everybody looks up to and wants to be like. Yeah, that's actually a good point. There's no culture of psychics here. It's just like, yeah, they exist.

Fuck you. Right. And then the psychic team has to take down the phony who's a celebrity. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, and so they do this and he's like, you run, Cindy Lopper comes up, and he runs out. And he's like, okay. And they cut from the Museum of New York to the Natural History Museum.

And don't tell you like How or why or where they went Maybe there was a tunnel between the two Yeah Cindy Lauper has an ex-boyfriend Played by a young Steve Buscemi by the way Right And I guess so they're out at the aqueduct

I guess is the idea Yeah you know I never wanted to watch Cindy Lauper work But then I heard they were at the track So I went to that scene Yeah yeah yeah I want to watch everybody work That's the thing man you know Sometimes when I get involved in a project

I'm gonna show up on seven days I ain't even shooting Like when you shoot at the track They just ran into him He was there unrelated Peter you're not in this scene Scene for what Mr. Quapas

Come on Come on Secretary and come Mr. Quapis I know we We always We already have My fee

All taken care of But we're going to track You got some sugar Money for Mr. Falk Hey Quapas You want a cigar And yeah So Steve Bouchemi

is like this Scumbag ex-boyfriend It's like oh, let's get back together. Can you ask your little spirit guide about some of the winners here? I'm a little short, blah, blah, blah. So this thing, this spirit guide,

it can see the future, I guess. Well, yeah, that's what we're told. That's the, the, when she does her test, it's like the one guy draws an elephant. Oh, right, that's right. And she had drawn an elephant like a night before. By the way, the guy who does the test, do you know who that is?

Nope. Van Dyke Parks. Who's that? He's the guy who produced all Beach Boys stuff. he's a huge I mean he's a humong he did what he's like a huge musician he's yeah and he just was like yeah I'll do your stupid movie that's weird what's Ken quapis's deal was he just anybody or he did a lot of quapis has done a ton of shit yeah he's just one of those working dudes

he's done um nowadays it's a lot of TV like he did a shit ton of the office uh Santa Clarita diet Bernie max show he did a bunch of Malcolm in the middle. Larry Sanders. Also do a 13 going on 30? Are my crazy on that? Oh, you know what he did do? Possible. Oh, two possible stay tunes. Back to back. Dunstan checks

in. Nice. And Fran Dresher and Timothy Dalton the beautician in the beast. Which is awful. Sister to the traveling pants was him. Licensed to wed. A lot of fucking stay tunes, man. He's just not that into you.

We need someone that is known for star vehicles for strong women that have New York access. Well, get me Ken Quapas. You get me, Ken Quapis. Oh, man, you know what his most recent feature was, though? One of the fucking most boring movies in the world, 2015's A Walk in the Woods, where Dick Nulte and Robert Redford literally just go for a walk in the woods.

Oh, that's right. Another twig. Stub my toe on a twig! Redford slow down I gotta take another leak Another yeah it's another leak It's fine Oh laityda Redford You had it easy

I'll be lucky I'll have to go out here and take a shit No one It's got no now It's becoming a shit down Go birdwatch for a fucking second Give me some Get me some clearance

Cwap is cut Go pick some clean leaves man that's a good movie it's like Jerry but it's like oh man you really should go into that fucking Thai restaurant last night Robert Redford picks up a rock and has a heart attack

that would be awesome he has the heart attack and drops the rock but it still hits him in the head and they both die that was one of Robert Redford's last last movies He's been doing his last movie for like 12 years now that the old man in the gun The one in the boat Let's Walk in the Woods all it's like

And this is a good swan song to Robert Redford's career And he has like 20 more years I saw the boat one and it was good Yeah I like that movie Yeah it's got a toothless ending though Yeah and I didn't see it Oh yeah no shark fights him No shark bites him it's too loose

I love the old man in the gun And I actually hope that is his last movie Although I know he's going to do 50 more At least one of them is probably going to be directed by Michael Bay I feel like up close and personal was one of his like, oh, this is, oh, what, no, come on. That movie was like 1995. Spy game, no. Spy game, never saw it.

Good movie. It's kind of fun movie, I think. That's a good, that's a dad movie in a half. We rented it from Blockbuster, and that fucking DVD menu played for hours. I don't know what we were doing, but it was just like, mess. Yeah, probably. So, yeah, so Cindy Lopper goes to track with Steve Bushemi. Bushemi, like, uses her to get the winners, obviously.

And she's like, oh, we're going to get back together. And he's like, oh, no, this is my other girlfriend. She's going to give me a ride home. Which, let me tell you something. This model walks out. And you're like, okay. I mean, it's like an earlier Steve Bouchemy, but still. I think Steve Boucher was still, like, working at the fucking, the firehouse at this point.

I think so, yeah. But, like, man, he had that haircut for years. the floppy sort of like part down the middle in like 1998 or 1988 that's the haircut he had it's crazy I think he still had it in the soup he yeah he really rocked it still have it I mean it works for him right what do you want a crew cut on this guy I think he did he have a crew cut in the messenger I feel like he's a weird Woody Harrelson movie yeah he's one of the dads that I saw it but I don't remember uh so Cindy Lopper goes home to her house I believe she's supposed to live in Long Island actually. Oh, nice.

And she goes into her house. She hears someone rummaging around. She gets this shotgun. What's that, Louise? Amazon's coming? Wait, what's that? Louise? Amazon's not coming? Oh, Louise, can you tell them that's the wrong product? They had to mix up. Louise, can you please tell them that that amount of jobs everyone's bitching about was stretched out over a number of years and in fact, the annual amount that they would create is actually less than the city of New York actually creates on an annual average basis anyway. Thanks, Louise. Oh, geez. Oh, God, this date sucks. Louise. Could you call the restaurant and ask for me, say it's an emergency? I'm here with a man named Ice Pick. So she pulls a shotgun on Peter Falk, who was broken into her house and is eating milk and cookies or something. It's a weird sort of... An ice cream sandwich. Oh, is it an ice cream sandwich? I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, at the hotel, he's bitching in Ecuador that they don't have milk and cookies. That's my legitimate laugh that comes up later in the movie.

When he goes, how do you say cookies in Spanish? Milk is lechia. Milk is lechia. How do you say cookies in Spanish? Hey, Cassavetes. How do you say cookies in Spanish? Coltumum. Get drinking, folk.

John. Peter, Peter. You know what? How do you say cookies in Spanish? It's fucking cervacea. So in any event, we cut to Jeff Goldblum, who is about to go to sleep with his girlfriend. and then he touches her underwear. Someone else has been holding these panties,

which is a fucking, that was a legitimate laugh. Jeff Goldblum was saying panties. Yeah, dude, and because of all like the cum trails or whatever, he's able to decipher exactly who it is and there's like this hockey player. That's, this is kind of a good line here. He's like, uh, uh, it was held by a, uh, because the girlfriend, it's hilarious.

She's like, oh, it was my dad. He did my laundry. And he goes, uh, uh, your father's a hockey player that scored two goals last night. and an assist fucking great cum trails is that from the Alex Jones show

yeah that's correct there is cum trails all over the United States cum trails all over my house I live alone every day

you take in cum trails and you don't know it folks speaking of Ghostbusters what I do is what Bill Murray did

in the beginning of Ghostbusters I got a big library in my house across the books that's a gum trail Isn't that right, Joe Rogan? Yeah, Joe Rogan, you just make this acceptable, don't you?

What's I going to say about this? Oh, anybody, this is a no, but anybody recognize who, that woman is with him? Is it, I'm not sure. She was on an episode of Cheers I watched recently. Absolutely not. Right, yeah, exactly. But it's weird, because this woman did not do a lot. Yeah, sure.

But she was on an episode of Cheers where she is kind of like Cliff Claven's girlfriend for a little bit. Is she exceptionally tall? Yes. Because she seemed like she was. Because like in the bed, it's like there's two normal sized people

because Jeff Goldman's like eight feet tall. Like when he's standing around like Peter Falk and fucking Cindy Lopper, he looks like, I've got a chemo-o-o-old. So you got excited because there was a giant woman. She's very tall and they use that to great effect on the Cheers episode she's on.

But man, when they're trying to do Shot reverse shot with Goldblum and Cindy Lopper in this movie, it is fucking like high angle, low angle, like the low angles of Citizen Kane with this shit. It's fucking Gandalf and the hobbits. It is. They had to fucking cut a hole in the floor and put the camera in it to shoot up a Goldblum.

Because he keeps picking her up like it's not, because again, like she, you know, you're like a little red-headed rag doll. By the way, I had an apartment erection for this apartment that he's got. I would never leave. Oh my God. Dude, the fucking built-in bookshelves.

We just don't appreciate. that shit anymore. We really don't. These prefab buildings that they make fucking cheap skates. Yeah, it's a gorgeous New York apartment. It is. Suited for a better film, by the way. It looked, not to bring up a monster, but it did look like Woody

Allen's apartment in Annie Hall. Because it's that like, it's an apartment of the same call it a heavy paint department. You know what I mean? They've painted over it a thousand times. I hate that. And you have like a half frails between your your your dining room and your living room yep no it's fucking great they do not make apartments like that anymore uh so fogg tells zinia lopper like look my shun what mission

in the ecuador i need some shikik to help me out i give you 50 000 50 grand man that's awesome and that's in 1988 when money was worth something so she she convinces uh uh gold bloom to go you know after his whole blow up with his office there in the museum right he gets pissed off because the boss is again humiliating him like, oh, the board is back and they're very upset that you ran away. And they're like, oh, just put on this cape and this turban and do these,

he's like, no, I'm not doing that. There's a weird line where he's like, you got to do the act that you did at the Christmas party. And I was like, why do you still have this job? Why don't you hire me to be your magician? Like, I would not like be working

in this fucking museum anymore. I'd be like, I'm an entertainer now. Sorry, everybody. Sure. So they fuck off to Ecuador. with 30 minutes to get to Ecuador, which is where the movie is, by the way. The movie is all the way in Ecuador,

and we have to get there. Absolutely. And, yeah, it's like 30 minutes of this 96-minute movie. Yes. Come on. We get there. Falk puts them up in a hotel.

There's some, like, romance, it's a will-day, won't-day, but they clearly don't like each other at all. That's what's weird is I couldn't tell if it was actually a will-they-won-

because the fucking chemistry is so terrible. Yeah. Maybe Dan Akrod shouldn't have quit. Did we? I mean, actually, that wouldn't have been any better. So Dan Aykroyd and Jeff Goldblum as these two characters.

Yes, perfect. I would love it. Luis. More romantic tension, to be sure. Did we mention that Peter Falk is supposedly looking for his missing son? Yes, but yeah, but that... It's fake. I hate lies in movies. I hate lies in movies

that never really like, bad lying in movies bothers me because he does... And Peter Falk is great in this movie. Whenever he's like, oh, my son, and he starts like fake crying, but he knows he's fake crying, it sucks. Well, here's the thing that I thought was weird, though. In the scene in Cindy Lopper's kitchen, Peter

Falk, the actor, turns on his amazing acting chops, because he was a great actor. And he's like, my son's court mission. And it's like an actual you're like, oh, wow. Like, I was fooled by it, but then when you realize what the deal is, I was like, no, no, no. This guy's just some like hoodlum,

like criminal robber person. He wouldn't be able to actually act that way, like be that convincing, you know? Oh, your son's missing? Let me see a picture. Left to their home. Here's a picture of John Casavetes. He's like my son.

Just like the takeaway the liver cancer, the 30 years. He looks like that. Listen, I don't have a picture of my boy, but I do have this soft pack of cigarettes. So it's Peter Falk on a plane to Paris, and he's like, oh, my God, we forgot John at home. And now it's John Cassavetes as Home Alone. dude casavetti's home alone you know what that is

that's just the plot of the long weekend yeah putting broken beer bottles by the window yeah yeah instead of the

the filthy animal he literally opens the door and strangles him back oh fucking family disappear maybe they'll just

slip on all this cigarette ash instead of he's home alone would be awesome he goes to the instead of going to the store to buy all the grocery

he goes to the liquor store and he puts like a big handle of fucking Canadian club and the guy looks like he's like it's for the kids invite a kids I mean Ben Gazzara instead of helping that old man reconcile with his son across the street he just

makes an old German waitress cry yep absolutely awesome all around awesome Cassavetti's Home Alone oh you think you're going to bite my fingers off oh that's interesting and now here I am In a fucking in a van with John Candy trying to fucking get home to Casavetti

before he burns the fucking house down. You know he goes to sleep with cigarettes in his mouth, right? Cassivetti smokes in bed. I've been telling him for years he's going to start. I said, son, stop smoking in bed. I'm a mother. Please, get me on that plane. Yeah, it was Falk and Jenna Rollins

who were going to Paris together. There's a couple. So we're in Ecuador. There's some business in the hotel room, some Jeff Goldblumnerosies here, where he is saying, you know, oh, I'm not going to eat anything, have all this, like, pre-frozen,

freeze-dried food or whatever. And this is one of those things where it's like, again, what is this character? Is he neurotic? Is he not? Like, because he's neurotic in some scenes and totally not in others. Yeah, yeah.

They kind of make him like Rick Moranis in some scenes, but then other scenes, it's like, I don't know, he's supposed to be sexy, so like whatever. It's almost like nobody was thinking about it. It's almost as if exactly that.

Hey, Cooppas, get your head out of your ass. Babel Mandell wrote a terrible script. So they go to a bar and like Cindy they're very clear like we're not romantically into each other. So like Cindy Lauper is flirting with this guy in front

of him and he's totally fine with it. Right. Yeah. She pulls a weird thing. He's like how are you going to spot like the rich man in the club? Yeah. And what's the there like she fakes an argument about what side of like which way the door opens on a car like an expensive

car. On Rolls Royce or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this guy comes over like, excuse me. She's actually right, Jeff Goldblum. So that's how she, like, spies the rich man. And then all of a sudden giggly goo comes back in. Gigily puff. What's this guy's name? Gerber, baby?

Something like that. Googie. His name is Gagli, yes. A gougaligress. Could you say that again, young man? Googie. Look who's talking now. It's Gugugug. Gug. Gug. Gets. son you're an adult that's i mean detective

piquot as peter falk as detective peter falk that's a movie i want to see that's a fucking movie i want sorry ryan reynolds get someone who's just a fucking peter falk impersonator by the way yeah because that's awesome just one more Pokemon he's one more egg there for you man the chairman that he's always fired up

i never understood it don't worry about my squid squirrel got me in the eye That fucking squirtle Watch where you put in that thing squirdle You got to like for this thing or what Hold up there, Robert Redford I gotta make a squirrel! Oh man, yes

Now we're thinking all of the Pokemon's Just an older actor Pokemon movie. How about that? Had too much chorizo last night This dump's gonna be a real show man I want Paul Giamati for Jigley Puff though Oh yeah

Oh, yeah. Jiggle. Jiggle, jiggle. Why, I got to be so pink. So in any event, yeah, so they realize this guy has followed them to Ecuador, this guy, Guggy Gras, or whatever his name is. Ingo, who's doing this, I guess it's a Swedish accent. It's wretched. It's really terrible.

I think he is supposed to be Swedish. This does not get pulled off. So they, like, to trick him, they pretend that they are in a romantic relationship. They make out for a bit. And then it's like, oh, we should stop making him. making out because this gag is running thin. Like, everyone's, like, horny about it kind of thing. There is some sexy dancing that happens here, which between the two of them, it's some great dancing.

Sure. The two of them are very talented dancers. This was a nice reprieve from the terrible chemistry that they have. Sure. They have good dance chemistry somehow. That you can't, that's weird. Like, they don't have acting chemistry, but dancing chemistry, they had across the board. When they're not talking, it's fantastic.

It's just fantastic. and so she goes off with this and they kind of get rid of they give a googie grass the slip there because they're like yeah we're gonna fuck you want to watch and he's like well I guess I'll leave and like so he leaves

and then she goes off with this rich guy and then Goldblum gets picked up immediately obviously is Jeff Goldblum by this lady who's like hey Elizabeth Pena man RIP RIP RIP she's a great character actor she was all through the 80s and 90s

I think she's the love and the wife in Jacob's Ladder. Okay. She definitely is. She was on a modern family. Like, that was one of her most recent things. Yeah, she passed away a few years ago.

She picks them up immediately because, like Steve said, yeah, it's just, it's a fucking 1988 Jeff Goldblum and she's not fucking blind. And they go up to her room and you know what this reminded me of? The scene in that Richard Griego movie. That would be too, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, nice. Yeah, I thought of it as well.

We just love that movie here. But yeah, so, like, she is crooked, it turns out. And there's, like, a struggle. And, like, Jeff Goldblum accidentally kills this woman. But first of all, she's got a knife. She tries to give him PCP. Yeah, which is one of the best moments of the movie. It was like, she said it was supposed to be like a rhino horn aphediasia or something.

And he touches, he's like, rhino horn from a basement in New Jersey. And then a Brooklyn police department. No, this is PCP, this is Angel Dust. You got sold a bill of goods. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I love that he doesn't think that she's crooked, but that she got ripped off by whatever drug dealer. Whatever Chinese drug dealer was giving her ground-up rhino horn.

Also, if the idea is to kill Jeff Goldblum, don't give him the bane serum. Like, that's not what you're going to do. I mean, that's a big guy already. If he's out of his gourd and, like, uber strong off that stuff. Dude, Jesus Christ, the fucking hepped up Jeff Goldblum loose in the wild. On PCP, no thank you know, you give him like a re-hypnal situation or just, you know. Absolutely. You knock him out.

He's liable to rip your jaw off your face. Exactly. You heard of here here, folks, you know, give Jeff Goldblum or hypnol. I'm just saying if that's the point in the movie. Sure, sure. In the film. As a narrative. Sure.

As a narrative. No. So, yeah, they, she pulls a knife on him after he doesn't take the PCP. And he just like, he tip tosses her out of window. I think it's a thing where he like sort of ducks to one side. He's a little shucking and jive in. And she goes out the window to her death, which is pretty great.

I was expecting more of a Michael Fossbender, Gina Carrano and Haywire type situation. Why didn't we ever get a Haywire 2? Because it was Haywire 1. Yeah, Haywire is great. I liked it where it came out. Come on, make Haywire 2 on your little iPhone there, motherfucker. Definitely do it.

Definitely do that shit. Come on. Is that first one on iPhone? No, it's not. No, no, no. He was making real movies. Yeah, it was on camera. It's still real movies.

I know. I know. It's just, you know, let's just invest in a camera. It's fine. Or, you know what? Let's invest in stop saying you're not making movies anymore. Let's invest in that. Let's invest you shutting the fuck up. Just continue making great movies. You hear me, Steven Soderberg? Yeah, I'll put that 30 large on that. How about shutting up? Yeah, that sounds like a good horse. So Jeff Goldblen realizes like, oh, fuck, if someone's coming to kill me. someone must be coming to kill Cindy Lauper.

He breaks into her room and like this dude is putting a necklace on her and he like fucking hits this guy in the head or something? Yeah, like the knockout game. Yeah, I've been indoctrinated on the internet. It's the knockout game. I got to impress these

gang members. You see that guy walking down the street? Uh-uh. Hit him. And it turns out this dude is actually the Spanish embassies. ambassador to Ecuador, that's embarrassing. Yeah, and like she would have made it big, but then, like, she's also sort of impressed by Goldblum's chivalry

here, like, you know. Sure. Well, you know, when God closes a door, he opens a window. In any event. Or maybe he was Louise. We kind of skipped the part, which doesn't matter. When we finally get to Ecuador, they figure out Peter Volcker's full of shit. Oh, right. They're like, he's like,

yeah, touched his shirt. My son had it. And he's like, ah, this is touched by a fat old man. Michael Lerner? Oh, I believe this shirt belongs to Mayor Ebert. I got a couple laughs out of this too because Peter Foggling was like, well, actually, I'm his son.

Oh, right. He's like, oh, did I say son? I meant he's my father. And so they know he's full of shit, but then he's like, yeah, but there's a lot of money and like a million bucks. And I don't know where he gets this million dollars thing. I don't know, but it's a city of gold. It's worth weight.

more than a million bucks Peter Fogg but it was 1988 dude all you had to say was yeah it's a million bucks yeah like these two fucking gutter dwellers are fine with that so they're kind of into it cursorily but Goldblum wants to talk to Michael Lerner but Falk doesn't want to let him do that

right so after this big kerfuffle in the hotel they're like let's go see Michael Lerner well also the woman who attacks Jeff Goldblum does stab him oh right so they have to go to the hospital anyway but also this is weird thing where they pick the but nobody knows what happens to the body and it actually has never revealed julian stans later

in the movie is like oh yes we were at the hotel and we took care of the body like who knows where this body went is right yeah don't check room 237 dude somebody's taking a bath so yeah they go to this hospital where michael lerner is uh golden gets stitched up they meet michael learner who's like just crazy like doing it's catatonic yeah thing um there's some speaking in tongues involved in here. Like she, Cindy Lopper, uses Louise to like contact him and like sort of bring him forward a little bit. Yeah. He sort of explains halfway, I guess, like what the deal is. And then like Jeff Goldblum touches this guy and like he starts glowing and shit. Is this where Jeff Goldham gets like thrown? He gets shocked or something. A little bit gets thrown back.

Because that's what happened to this guy. Like he gets shocked with this energy. Right, right, right, right. And he goes nuts. Gobloom touches him. Blah, blah, blah, blah. There is a weird. What's the gag with like this nurse that's like a tough? The gag is Peter Falk calls her Conan the nurse. Oh, right. And like she gets all like handsy with him and stuff. But then like googie grass comes in. Oh, right.

He's got a silenced pistol. He's like, oh, yes, tell me where the gold is or whatever nonsense he's doing. And Cindy Lopper uses her magic to like commune with his mother. And in doing so, like, distracts him enough. By the way, he shoots, this guy shoots. this nurse in the arm she knocks out this a weird thing though i i don't know what was going on here like a fuck up at

the uh foley department or something because like when he shoots that nurse they definitely make the noise that you would do for like a dart gun yes and i was like oh he doesn't have a real gun but then like that nurse stands up later in her arm is a silent it would make so much more sense of goober gus just fucking told like had a

fucking like a knockout dart or something i think gomer pile should just be shooting people in the head But then Cindy Lopper communes with the mother and then sings the song out of the first 30 minutes of Cold War and it makes this dude go into like a trance about his mother and the nurse comes back and hits him on the head. Oh, that's right.

She's one there with a chair. Yeah. My God, Gubla Gask is down. Oh, my God. Gubla Gags is going to lose the belt for sure. Oh, my God. How do you say this name? Is it real?

Excuse me. I've said the great Yokozuna. This is confusing. Jim Ross is hanging it up tonight. This name is too goddamn stupid. Come on, King, my tongue isn't going to feel right for hours. My God, it's a Swedish folk song from the 1930s. That's Gooblig Garks music.

So we fuck off to the mountain. And by the way, you do get Because now Goldblum is all about the mountain Because whatever energy he sees He's like has to seek it out or whatever Right This is when he starts dressing like Alan Grant You get to see what Ian Malcolm

Would look like as Alan Grant Dude my head almost exploded off my neck When I saw this hat on Goldblum Oh wow is it great Oh I would have so preferred if this was a prequel To Jurassic Park Ah Dr. Grant I think they switched our suitcase Now I want to see Sam Neal in a cool leather jacket

Yes Oh that would be fucking awesome I think that's actually Sam Neal's Twitter average You know Ian these sunglasses aren't actually a prescription So they go up into the mountains They have to camp out overnight So we get like a scene with like It's kind of hilarious

Dude just start fucking When she goes in there just literally start fucking But there's two pop tents of normal size Yes. Where Cindy Lopper and Jeff Goldblummer is staying. And then there's like a kid-sized one and that's what Peter Fox's sleeping in. Kind of a funny visual gang. Well, you know, when I get dehydrated, I shrink like a shrinky dink.

Yeah, I haven't had a lot to drink today. I'm the size of a California raisin. If I have a lot of water, though, I never touch this stuff. I turn into a big grape. Yeah, Cassavetes used to have a fun word for water. He called it gin. I mean, honestly, you could just destroy me in a thermos. You'll put me in your little pocket if I'm a little dry.

I saw what was a genius thing about dermis is, right? You just unscrew that little red top and turn it upside down. It's a cup. See, and the difference is that when Ben Gazera would dry out, he would become a violent maniac. And who would you rather spend Christmas with? A violent maniac or a California raisin? I can sing at least.

Man, Peter Fogg just singing. I heard it through the grapevine. Yes. Heard it to the grapevine, baby. The, as the Sydney Lobrick goes into Jeff Goldblum's tent, clearly intent on fucking him. Absolutely. Because she's like, oh, you know, it's kind of crazy.

We're on this adventure together. Maybe, uh, and like, Goldman's like, uh, oh. And then like all of a sudden he gets in this, again, because his character doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He's like, oh, uh, I'm the consolation prize. Oh, uh, fuck this lady in a tent. What are you doing? It's starting to sound a little bit like, uh, uh, uh, charity.

Okay, dude, dude, you're on a fucking hill in Ecuador. Take the pity fuck. Who cares? Go fuck the mountain. Why don't you, uh, suck a cone heads? Maybe it's a thing that I can't get hard when Peter Falk is, uh, that close to me. It's, uh, like he's practically in the room with us. It's outrageous that I can't hear that.

You kids don't. Don't mind me. I can't hear nothing. But this literally happens because he's like, there's some sexual tension. I'll turn around. Yeah. That's a weird thing later.

He says he'll turn around. I've never seen someone so sort of like expertly and swiftly talk themselves out of getting laid. Yeah. Then Jeff Goldblum in this. I've never seen anything like. It's a idiot. Sidney Lopper.

What are we talking about here? Get down to it. Goldblum can do it quick. He's the best in the game, man. Absolutely the total best And if it would be anything Even close to the dancing we saw earlier My God

Yeah Who Yeah but like he's just like Oh uh uh thanks for the charity But no thanks He storms out of the tent He goes to look for the idol or whatever nonsense Right

And he's he's holding some stone tablet That they have or something And it's like leading him up the hill Falk comes in I think he tries to fuck Cindy Lauper in this He's like well now to He flat out says it Speaking of consolation prices.

He's like, why, you can sleep with me then if you feel so upset about not getting late. She says, what good would that do? And he said, it'll do me a lot of good. Yeah, it's a good. I'm just going to warn you now. My penis looks like's flan. What? I guess it's like a little jiggly puff.

It's a disc. So, yeah, he goes off with his rock in the middle of the night. He finds. The Lost City of Gold sort of in this trance or whatever. Next morning, you know, she thinks that he's abandoned them and gone off to get it without them. He comes back. Looks like he just got fucking run through a fucking printing press. What I love about this, we talked about Gold Bloom's outfit a bit, Falk's outfit.

He's got the end of Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal thing going on. I mean a whole old friend for dinner. It's actually Ben. Ben, he's here, he's doing some stuff I can't talk about. Yeah, all right, yeah, I'll eat his liver beans. I'll eat his liver with some father beans, but keep the Kearney coming. I mean, don't skip on the Kearney there. Imagine Peter Falk has handled on those movies.

Jesus. Look at your cheap shoes. Hey, Senator, nice suit. Yeah, toughen your nipples a little bit. Yeah, that happened to me in WW, too. It just happens. No. is incidental.

There's a great line Peter Falk has here where he tells Cindy Lopper he's talking about them not fucking the night before and he refers to it as a near miss.

He's like yeah the near miss you two had last night in the tent fucking great. This is when he's like look you know what why do you's too fuck

I'll turn around right and then of course the joke is Colman's like oh turn around he's like you done that quick huh wow that's embarrassing

You know who was a quick come Was Cassavetes Listen, that's what whiskey does It dulls to your X and show We used to last a little longer I mean you'll lose it a couple of times But that's the cost of doing business Yeah, we used to call John Cream jeans

Oh God, you're already done I just got the recorder going The recorder Yeah, bro Do do do do Come on John You know Bob crane flew from the West Coast for this and as they're having this humorous exchange he's like uh falk is like you know what

may god strike me dead if it is anything that's going to happen to us and he gets stabbed in the back by googie grass and he's like I got killed by a guy named googie what googly what Jesus that's embarrassing I got to get a new agent give me that have to britt kill me listen I don't know what's going on give me Julian sands no hero's death now let's just just answer me this goody god uh where is your birth certificate i want to see what's on the birth certificate because it's not googie i can't believe i got bumped off by grape jelly so uh benjamin gris weird there's some bullshit where like it's and it's not funny i've never thought these jokes were funny i know you're going the i'm taking way too long to die

no just expire it's so dumb i'll tell you The only time that's funny is in the first Austin Powers movies, Will Farrell, when, like, it's the, when he's, they get stuck down the thing. Yeah, but you know why that's funny, though, is because you can't see him. Yes, you're absolutely right. And it's just this audio gag. The whole, like, I'm going to close my eyes now. Actually, one last thing. No, now I'm going to die.

No, actually, one more thing. I'm Jason Voorhe. Yeah, he's kind of, yeah. And they don't, like, focus on. They don't focus on, like, what, like, he's kind of, like, tearful at. moments but then does the joke thing. I'm like, this is, nothing matters in this movie. Everybody knows that

nothing matters in this movie. Just stop it. Thanks for the script. Thank you, Stephen King, for the script, to Jason Roy, he's number two, whatever it's called. One thing, I can't be from New Jersey. That's a deal breaker for me. I'll wear the pillowcase. Sure, sure. I'll wear a pillowcase.

He said about the tobacco company, back from Minnesota? Silver bullet, great. I've always wanted the star in a movie about Coors. So what is this? We're driving Coors tonight with Burr Reynolds, right? That's what this is? That's what this is? That's what you wrote? And he's a werewolf? I like that.

Yeah. Werewolf, Bert Reynolds, driving beer? This is a great Cindy Lopper line. So when he dies, Gugie Gress or maybe Julian Sands somebody, no, it's Gugie Gress makes a line about like the late Peter Falk or whatever. And she goes, He's only late because you. You.

you miserable piece of shit. Yeah, it's a good... You get somebody from Queens calling you a miserable piece of shit. You'll feel it. You'll feel it. So we're going to the Lost City, man. Oh, but Julian Sands reveals that he's evil in this scene.

He's crooked, yeah. Oh, weird. It's a shit. It's Julian Sands, Guggygrass, and then third guy. Yeah. And third guy was like this spy that they met in the village. He's like a local, yeah.

It's like the president from the island clone, like, where he just shows up. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, you have to explain something to me. He has to have a gun or something to, like, this is a person I'm supposed to pay attention to. And also, like, Chris and I were talking, the stakes in this movie are, like, way low. Like, when Falk dies, like, is it a joke? Is it not a joke?

Like, should I feel bad? Should I not? Well, that's what Chris was saying. Do they not feel bad? Because he goes back and forth between, like, gags and then, like, oh, I've wasted my life. Yeah. So you can't tell. And that's the thing.

It's like, is this idol a bad thing? Like, do we care? Will the world end? will the world not end? And I don't think they really stipulate like what happens either way. Yes, exactly. So they go, they find the lost city fairly quickly. They make Cindy Lopper decipher the lost ruins through Louise to see how they can decipher and use this power instead of just die like everybody else has done. Right. Once they do that, they're like, well, we're going to kill these two other people. Why not? Of course. So they send this, the third guy down with, with, with

with Goldblum to kill him by this lake or whatever and this is when Cindy Lopper goes into the astral plane to astral project a little bit of a Legion shadow king style that's a TV show it's a good part of the show

okay I'll take your word for it it is set up earlier in the film Cindy Lopper says that Louise when she was a kid taught her how to astral project and she would do things like because she had a hard time growing up like she would astral project and go to the movies,

which I thought was kind of funny. Again, show me any of this. It doesn't have to be a glacier in the middle of nowhere, like in Legion. But like any, like the movie theater, even the movie theater would be fine. Or just, you know, it's the oldest trick in the book, make her look like a ghost. You know what I mean?

Like, that would be something. Yeah, why not? Make her look like it. By the way, it's alluded that this pyramid of energy might be alien. Yeah. There's a brief flirtation with ancient. aliens, but they do not follow through. That's why I quit.

I'm walking. They say it was like, like, Jeff Grobloom says, oh, is it ink in? And it's like, no, it's so much old. They are really flirting with that. But then Louise is able to read alien text or something. It's a great question. Maybe she's like a predator ghost or something.

We don't even know what she is. She's actually a predator. What's that, Louise? Okay. Skin them alive. Got it. It's like the first families that came over on the Mayflower. She was the first of the lizard people.

Yes, there are definitely reptilians guys. Yeah, Louise's got her red triangle on your head. On your head, Julian Sands. So she's astral projecting at this point. Goldblum, like, hears her. And so he's with this, like, tough. This tough's got a machine gun on him. And he's like, oh, I'm being told right now that your father is here.

And the gag, it's kind of okay, it blows up in his face because the guy's like, oh, you're telling me my father's actually here right now. And he goes, a great line here, this thug, he goes, that miserable old bag of shit. And he starts like, oh, my father's in you right now. And he starts punching Jeff Goldblum in the face. Yeah, because he's like, I never had the chance to kill my dad because he died. Now I get to punch you. Right, right, right.

Not too shabby this gag here. And, you know, but then eventually, like, he does soft. into it. Jeff Goldblum just starts bullshitting and he's like no son of course I always loved you I'm sorry I never told why are you talking like Jeff Goldblum dad? That should have been the line

and he punches this guy out like pretty quickly and then pretty fucking badass I don't think I've ever seen this in a movie before Jeff Goldblum with a machine gun but you got to kill this guy I mean I'm sorry this guy this guy almost killed you once he wakes up he is going to kill you also it just doesn't make any sense to me like

fucking this guy is pure beef great a thick as fuck yeah fucking goblum is swinging pixie sticks and this guy goes right the fuck down yeah i don't i don't buy that he's not in brundle fly shape no no no no no no no so he gets a drop on julian sands and googly glars and uh when they're about to kill cindy lopper oh right and he's like uh okay what's going to going to happen now is Cindy Lopper is going to go get the police and we're going to wait here for 48 to 79 hours. Jeff Bull Bloom.

She's like, what is this plan? She's going to make it down the mountain by herself? I got to go call the NYPD. Come to Ecuador. By the way, anyone going to bury me? No. I just left out. Oh, the birds are getting. Yeah. Enjoy that one eye bird.

Enjoy it. Oh, they're pecking my pecker. I believe they throw like a blanket over Oh, thanks for the blanket. Really appreciate it. At least Captain Kirk got covered in a bunch of rocks. This isn't even a blanket.

This is a towel, sir. Goldblum has a great line when he goes to rescue Cindy Lopper. He goes, we're escaping. And pretty flamboyantly, I might add. It's fun. It's fun. But so he's got the machine gun.

She's going to go. But at this point, the third guy comes back. He's got a gun on Goldman's head. Yeah. Give me the machine gun, da-da-da-ba-da. Unfortunately. You know, I realized at this point in the movie, the dude, Gugie Gress, you know he looks like?

Fat William Peterson. Yeah. Factor, William Peterson. Yeah. Yeah, or like a super fat Peter McNichol or something. An engorged tick, Peter McNichol. A super fat, anyone, you mean? He's a big guy.

Yes. He looks like a fat guy. He looks like a super fat anyone. No, no. Goldblum gets shot. Oh, that's right. He gets shot. At this point, Cindy Lopper to get the drop on everybody touches the pyramid.

Yeah. And then all this ill-defined shit starts happening. Including Hollywood favorite speaking in tongues. That's always a great excuse for not relaying information. She makes Googlygress just disappear. And I'm like, where the fuck does he go? Phantom zone. But at this point, let's invest in some fucking Raiders technology.

And I want to see him turn into a pile of goo. Yeah, it's got to be something better than. just the dude at the beginning of the movie. Oh, don't look at the pyramid. Close your eyes, Cindy. And also, like, the entire mountain... And this is where I thought the ancient aliens were coming because the entire mountain around this pyramid

starts collapsing. And you see hints of the fact that it's kind of a larger structure. Yeah. And I was like, oh, fuck, spaceship. Oh, that'd be amazing. You know, but then, like, that doesn't really happen. Julian Sand starts running down the hill.

He's hilariously squashed by a piece of the set from Lowe. Legends of the Hidden Temple. Omec gets him, dude. Omec coming! This was... This was Louise's ship. It's taken off.

That's right, Louise. We're going back to your home planet. Dude, I loved that episode of Legends of the Hidden Temple where Olmec was in that convenience store. And then that kid came up behind him and shot him in the head. Oh, are we skipping over the scene where Julian Sand... Julian Sand is dead and then the xenomorph

pops out of his chest. Oh yeah. You wait till the end of the credits to get this. Run. But no, yeah, Julian Sands gets crushed. I got to say this is about Julian Sands. I think he's an entertaining actor.

He plays a Villain quite well. In this sequence, he's filmed like running down this hill. He is doing some terribly embarrassing running. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if he was wearing like bad pants for it or what. It's a bad runner. It's a poorly blocked scene.

too because there's like this thing like he's running down he knows that everything's going tits up he has to get the fuck out of there right he's trying to fit through a doorway he clearly can fit through but he has to do like mym acting like I can't oh it does and then he gets crushed it's like

no no I'm looking at that doorway it's so stupid he has to like pretend like to put his shoulder up against like oh I can't get through this thing it's because he can't get his his pants through he's got those pants that were really popular in the 80s where you can fit three other people in them. Yes.

And if a strong gust comes up, you fly. These are my hammer pants. It's like khaki Janko's. Yeah. That's why they called them parachute pants. If the wind caught him, man, look out. Just don't put them in movies. So at the end, Goldblum, I'm going to kind of tackle

Cindy Loper to get her because she's about to get absorbed too or something. I think. And she falls to the ground. Yeah. And when she wakes up she realizes that Louise this thing that we've never seen has sacrificed herself and moved

on and that's why you need like Elaine Stritch to be this thing goodbye or a predator or Kevin Michael Hall Elaine Stritch as a predator I like that the best I could do to combine

it sounded perfect right so they kind of like wearily make their way out of the mountain and then of course in a total reshoot this last scene is one million percent of reshoot everyone's got a different haircut the lighting is different the camera's different

I will say this though it is a great gag of they walk back into this hotel and it's supposed to be like on the swankier side a little bit and they've just had this big adventure they're covered in dirt and they're bleeding and they're Jeff Goldblum's been shot in the leg and everything and everyone in this hotel lobby is staring at them like what the fuck

and Goldblum's like two rooms please so gold bolems like hey I'm not only did I get a haircut and I've gained 12 pounds I'm also going back to the States and she's like all right that's fine and then there's this thing you catch what's going on here

what's that she's in the country of Ecuador she's definitely just eating chicken tenders and french fries and dipping it and ketchup oh really some real fucking ugly American shit right there dude God damn you And it's this thing where it's like Well maybe we should get together

I forget how they do their little romantic ending Goldblum is holding this glass And he's like I'm being told that the person who held this glass Is in love with me And just had a crazy adventure And wants me to hang out a little more And she's like

Oh I didn't touch that glass I touched this cup though And he touches that And without saying anything They start making out and he picks her up for like the fourth time in this movie brings over to the bed she bumps her head on the headboard

and she's like oh someone's with me now right because Louise is gone yeah and it's Harry and they both look at the camera one up up on up vibes yeah I'll be in vibes too hey if George Burns can make three of them

god pictures let me tell you something here co-opist okay Casavetes, he went to Canon Group when he had to make his last movie. Where your movies deserve to be the Canon Group, sir. That is a home for the Ken Quapis filmography. Hey, Quapis, I am fucking shocked

that Sony Pictures put this movie out. What the flying fuck? It's you and Masters of the Universe. That should be their tent polls. I do want sequels where it's just Peter Falk watching people have sex and commenting on it. Like in the ghost.

realm. Like, he's semi-translucent. I love it. Yes. Just watching people fuck. It would be awesome if Louise was at least voiced by Elaine Stritch. Could you imagine the crass sexual commentary from Elaine Stritch in this movie? I was going to say, if it's Peter Falk, I feel like the whole thing is like a dead silence, except for he's like, oh, you got a life for this.

No, no, it was gin with ice and a twisted lemon. Yeah, there's like a waitress. A dead waitress is coming by, too. Who knew the astral plane had great bars? It's fantastic. Beefy, yeah. All right. Is the schnitzel good?

Oh, I'll have that. Give me a tiny glass of cold beer. Thanks so much. It's 1988. That fucking look at the camera, though, like, come on, quapas. It's a sequel setup, man. We're going to do it.

Dude, we've had several sequel setups but we're not looking directly at the camera. It's just, I mean, clearly whatever the real ending of this movie was tested poorly and then they did this. I mean, the movie would be fine if, like, they just wake up on that hill. The sun comes up and it's just like, all right, you know, credits. We live through the night. That's the truly funny thing is that they, and why the reshoots are so obvious.

You don't even have to look at, like, what they look like. Yeah. Because it goes from them, like, walking down the street in Ecuador back to this hotel. Yeah. And then goes back to the mountain in Ecuador for the credits. Yeah. Oh, you're totally right. You're totally right.

They didn't want to refilm the credits. For some reason, that's the one that they couldn't refilm. And it's like those credits, it's all through the credits is that mountain. And it's Cindy Lauper going, there's a hole in my heart that goes all the way to China. It's the best part of the movie for me for her. It's a catchy pop tune. It's a great song. She does great songs.

She does. She's a great singer and a great dancer. She also did those. I almost said, don't worry about Cindy Lauper, but I don't put that black magic on her. No, but she did the music for Kinky Boots. shows you so she's a trillionaire oh yeah she uh i believe won a tony for it yeah she's she's also chris cabin and i do a karaoke number and you know girls just want to have fun it's down legend seeing you guys do that is one of the greatest moments of my life you know what if we get

you're right if we get the patreon up i'm not me and him might do it that might be something oh shit kary hm covers album yeah well now you have a good video set up we can make that happen a new level $30 a month one karaoke song per a month per year per year yeah but you know

you have to ride that that tier for a year to get it yes you gotta give us $360 then then you could see us do karaoke

you can't share it bump it up to 40 we'll do quarterly make it with the commentary you can record and that's the end of this movie man that is the end of vibes

would anybody recommend it I would not this movie is I think that there are movies in this movie that I'd like to watch, but what this movie is I would not want to see ever again. It's dull. Yeah, it's one of those movies where you can tell like it's palpable throughout that nobody gave a shit. Not the director, not the writers, not the people in it. Not even the people who had to like fucking put the chairs down in the fucking room. Oh, the chairs are a mess. I could tell you the audience didn't go shit. But yeah, no, it's it's a real waste of time and talent. I think it's nearly a watch it almost like. to see seeing as believing but then at the same time I found it so dull

towards that saggy middle end and I was just like it's a no for me because of that the climax is so dull yes it's do it just do it dude there's nothing wrong with

it's okay to like a movie you know what I liked this movie I did it's so fucking crazy I mean I know it's not good and I know it's flat like they have no chemistry I was engaged the entire time it's a stupid fucking

80s comedy and I guess two things I will attribute this to one I think it's been a really long time since I've seen a stupid 80s comedy so it was kind of like ah full quieter you know yeah and it was just kind of like sitting into the warm bath again kind of thing and also like as dear listener you can hear I'm still very stuffed up I've been like heinously sick all week yeah and just something about like yesterday when I was watching it I was feeling a little better I wasn't so dead to the world and it was like here's this dumb as balls movie that ends up with a catchy Cindy Lopper song and I got to watch sexy Jeff Goldblum

and sexy Cindy Lopper through it. And sexy Peter Falk. And that's the other thing. I think for better or worse, Peter Falk was fucking holding my attention in this movie. Of course. He's a lot of fun of this movie.

I don't know. It's a bad movie. Don't get me wrong. And I'm not going to fucking run out and see it again anytime soon. Hangover situation, I think, also is a definite possibility here. It's an ideal crackle movie.

The ideal crackle movie. We had that fucking standard dev DVD, but I think you can, find it on Crackle. Oh, absolutely. This movie is very similar to a movie. I think it came out the year before, the year after, or

something like that. Second Sight with Bronson Pinchot and John Lerickette. No, no, it's stay tuned or maybe even not even. Oh, wow, really? I saw that in theaters. It's really bad. Yeah. Ooh, theater psychic movie. Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. There's no

lady friend, though? I think there is a woman, but I don't remember her. I know for, she was like, yeah. I want to say like Mercedes rule, but that's probably wrong. Oh, shit. And what, so they're, they're both of them are psychics? I think, no, I think, um, John Larkett's like managing Bronson Pinchot. Yes, Bronson Pitchell has the, the talent

and he uses him for like a detective agency or something. Oh shit. Actually, I haven't seen this movie, I just looked it up on the Tribune. I recognize this fucking poster though. This is a video store situation. It's a terrible poster. And yes, John Larrickette runs a detective

agency. And they're trying to find a missing girl is the idea. Best Armstrong. Oh, you know who's in this movie? Fucking Strickland. Oh, nice. James Tolkien himself. Nice. Might be a stay tuned. We don't know. I guess we'll have to check it out. But until then, that is the film

Vibs from 1988, directed by Can Quapis. Thank you very much, Brian from Minneapolis. We're calling this in. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. A whole boatload of non-psychic-related bonus material over there. We got so much going on there. This month we got Laura Croft Tomb Raiders our episode. We got a Gleap glossary

where I read Star Wars Expanded Universe entries to these guys and they make fun of me on Sebalba. It's a big month. It's a big month. And of course the Nexus, we're doing Deep Space Nine. Deep Space Nine. And then TNG. TNG, the episode where everyone de-evolves into

monsters, which is a really fun episode. Genesis, right? Deep Space Nine I have not seen yet. I think it's a Bashir-Cedric episode. Oh, that's great. Thanks for letting me know that. So they're super excited. So much going on up there. I believe there's going to be another twilight commentary.

This month for sure. Just in time for St. Paddy's Day. No, because we're going to be drinking on it. That's right. We are doing the drunkmentary once again. So all that and more. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now, Steve Sadek, listener, request month continues next week with what?

it's a big deal it is it is it's uh battlefield earth finally doing it oh battlefield earth I haven't seen it before wow I've never seen it you guys get ready man they're like killing chickens for real

on the set or something they kill some cows I know that much oh cows Forest Whitaker's around obviously Travolta yes um Barry Pepper Barry Pepper is the star right was it a thing where you because I'm thinking about poor Forrest Whitaker right now

Barry Pepper I can take or leave Travolta's already lost Did you have to be a Scientologist to work on this movie? Oh, that's a good question I guess we'll find out next week Do you know, I don't know I don't think so

I think as long as you're okay furthering their propaganda No, that's fine I guess Fort Whitaker was fucking fine with that then It's a check man I will do a fucking Scientology movie Call me up Hubbard Foundation So until next week

With the Hubbard Foundation I'm Andrew Jupon Steven said that Quish Crabbit Eric's this Take it easy.