We Hate Movies - S9 Ep411: Episode 411 - Battlefield Earth

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang continues the 2019 Listener Request Month with one of the most requested and anticipated films to be talked about on this show, Battlefield Earth! What's with that mini-golf course? Could they have done any worse with that CGI cow leg? And what's going on with Travolta's Hot Topic boots? PLUS: That's not a potty cam, L. Ron just has a bee in the bathroom! Battlefield Earth stars Barry Pepper, John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Kim Coates, and Kelly Preston; directed by Roger Christian. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, the time has finally come. It's Battlefield Earth. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Scientology. Oh, God. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the fine program, as always, if you're new to We Hate Movies. This is a comedy show where we talk about movies, good, bad, and otherwise, and sometimes make fun of them. Right. Now, Steve, now, when you were, when your ancestors, came across on the Mayflower. No,

Mayflower, no, no, Ellis Island. Yeah. Is that a chop job? Was it like Scientology ski? Yeah, it's a Scientologyzosky. Ernester, Scientola Jolly. Scientola Jolly. Now there's going to be some fucking weird

Australian guy outside my house when I get home. Is that like what, like what? Is that like? We're related. No, I'm just thinking of a, uh, that Leah Remini show where, uh, it was her. And this guy, Mike Rinder, who is like this fucking piece of shit guy's like, I are, yeah, I used to like intimidate people, but now I teach them about the ills of Scientology. Oh, I think that dude was in the Alex Gibney document. He's all over it.

He was like, he was like a heel that turned baby face, basically. He's like, oh, no, I don't believe in Scientology anymore. Sorry about the car bomb. What was his name, Dash Rindon? Mike Rinder. Okay. Hey, uh, what do you call a fat Scientologist? What's that?

A Scientology. It works. As you may have guessed, this week's episode is Battlefield Earth from the year 2000. Do they have Santa Claus? Ironically directed by a man named Roger Christian, which I think is quite funny. Uh, this of course is, uh, continuing listener request month here on the program. Uh, this one comes to us from Nekoma from Minnesota. Let's see what, uh, he had to say.

Hey, guys, this is Nekoma from Minnesota. Just wondering why you haven't done Battlefield Earth yet. That's steaming dumped. It's the only movie I ever walked out on, and I walked out the moment they decided to blow up somebody's head off screen. The one redeeming moment they could have had off screen. Thanks, guys. Keep it up. Talk to you later.

Have a great day. I like this guy. I think this guy can be one of the hosts of this show. Well, let's not get ahead of our Chris, unless you don't want a job anymore. Oh, cabin's getting fired? Cabin's been fired. Ncoma is going to join us.

No, you know, I mean, that's what next time we do this, do cocaine before you call. That's going to help everybody. That's what he did. No, I'm just guessing. This dude's just singing at home like, you know what, man, I just had fun on a fucking phone call. Well, he's up there.

It's a very snowy state. Maybe he's, you know. Doing a little bit of both. Yeah, doing some rails of snow. That smells more like Canadian. club to me. It got a little wild. Is that code for meth?

Yes. Eric. Whiskey. Yeah, it's kind of weird because this is just one of those movies, man. It's like we finally, you hit one of these big guys. One of these top shelf bad movies. Who has had everybody seen it before or nobody? No, I avoided this like the fucking play.

I saw this like a few years after it actually came out. And then I was always just like, we got to do that on the show one day. Did you rent this on Netflix? I don't know what the fuck I did. Do you rent something from Netflix? Maybe it might have been a disc. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Because it's streaming on Netflix right now. It might have been a disc in the mail. I don't know. I don't know. Hmm. I, you know, I weirdly never saw this movie until like two or three years ago. I think when we were doing an L.A. show was like, you'll do Battlefield Earth?

And I was like, no. And I watched it. But it was never like a no, never. But it was like not really for that. thing. Right. We have, it's to, to clarify, though, this is not one of the titles that we've said, no, nay, never. Yes. That's the rule. No, nay, never, no more. I was pushing it for L.A. because that is the hometown of Battlefield there. Well, that's what the dude, fucking speaking of car bombs. We didn't want to get fucking assassinated at the Hollywood

Improv. Excuse me, Mr. SADAC. Do you think there's something interesting about my religion? Hi, Sydak, blamow. Yeah, I think it's fucking funny. Just like I think all religion is funny. I think we could, you know, when we do our Rome show one day, we should do we should do Angels and Demons or the DaVinci Code. Or Passion of the Christ. Maybe we'll, you know, we'll save that for Jerusalem. Yeah, right. A big tour of Jerusalem. A hometown show, dude. Yeah, we'll be playing the fucking President Trump train station. We're just busking on it. Uh, do you like it to wear the hat? what were you saying Steve

I fucked that wall no the this is a movie about aliens who have conquered earth and Barry peppers like the lone white guy resistance boy barreled pepper is in this movie banking off his super success in saving private Ryan

because I remember watching that movie sure thinking whoa this barreled pepper man this guy's gonna go somewhere right this guy's gonna be like a star yeah but no fucking Vin Diesel, the guy that fucking farts and bleeds on the pavement is the guy that went on to Superstar. Well, he didn't

do this movie. No, I know, but he was in. Smart move on his part. Yeah, a lot of people were in saving Private Ryan. Yeah. Paul Giamatti's star rose right after it. Was it Beryl Pepper in that? Yeah, he was a, people raved about Barrowd Pepper. He was a, he was a breakout of that. Yeah. Was he? He's a sniper. He was like the name. It was the feeling in the air. It was the pepper energy

that went across the entire country right I mean, he's actually a good actor. I think that, like, a 25th hour he's excellent in. Yeah, yeah. Is he also in, speaking of Vin Diesel, Boiler Room? No. He's not in that movie? He's a knock-around guys.

Oh, like a cousin of Boil Room. Yes, in depth, that is a great way to describe that movie. It's totally a cousin of Boilers. They're kissing cousins, man. I think Scott Kahn's in both. Oh, but Boiler Room has Giovanni Ribisi, who is also in Saving Private Ryan? Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

I haven't seen Saving Private Ryan in a really long time. Yeah, it's like, it's kind of like the breakfast club with World War II. You know what I mean? Like everybody blew right up out of it. I mean, they copy the scene where Emilio Estevez almost shoots a Nazi in the back of the head. No, you kids are staying in D-Day. You were bad. You're going to detention day.

It's in Normandy. It was crazy when Matt Damon was shaking all that dandruff off onto the fucking cemetery. it's mad david tom ex and tom size more are all doing that dance montage but to the chattanooga choochoo unfortunately ed burns is the judd hirsch in that scenario oh yeah that's right that movie's got a lot of ed burns in it really doesn't my super awkward saving private ryan story one time i came home uh from like a party i don't know if i was in high school maybe was in college i was super fucked up and i walked in and like the house my parents were living in at the time like you the the kitchen in the living room was like open air so you

could hear what's going on in both rooms at the same time and i'm in the kitchen i don't know what's going on the living room i'm in the kitchen i'm getting like maybe there's another beer out of the fridge or something uh and i hear my dad's in the other room watching a movie i can't see what's on the television i haven't looked in the other room at all and i just hear someone going like mommy mommy mommy and i thought he was watching just got was fucked up i thought he's watching like a bad comedy or something so i just start mimicking what i'm here And I'm going, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, ha, ha, mommy. And I walk into the room, and my father is watching a boy bleed to death in saving Private Ryan.

And he is giving me the fucking scorn of the century just staring through my soul. And I was like, oh, saving Private Ryan, huh? Oh, man. You do not get between a dad and saving Private Ryan. No, sir. Nope, fucking Cardinal sin, dude. Here I thought you had just gone into your kitchen and loudly said, World War II was great.

No, it was super awkward, and I felt terrible. Don't you forget Normandy. Oh, man. Yeah, and then it goes on. It works. Anything we can do to not talk about battlefielders. Yeah, we're just going on that one. Don't bother putting in your guts.

It's over anyhow. It's so cute in that movie how, like, Tom Hanks is this little kid. He makes a wish. It becomes a big old guy. and he like shoots at a tank with a gun and Tom Sawismore's the little boy that's his friend than big yeah

anyways battlefield earth the earth by the way is fucked you guys man what is an endangered species ladies and gentlemen totally because this is the saga of the year 2000 oh wow in the year

3,000 you know I'll give this I'll give this one to Elron, dude. At least he didn't, he's like, I'm not going to set it in 2014 because in 2014, everyone's going to be making fun of me. Yeah, it's true. I mean, he's right.

He was smart to do this. But at the same time, it's like, so there's Scientology, and he writes these books, and it's like, Lord Zeno came down and farted. And it's like, this is like your holy testament, right? Sure. No, I don't think that's true. Wait, he didn't fart?

No, Zeno's not. Like, this is like he's just like a science fiction writer. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm trying to get to. This is the 80s. Scientology was around. He found it. But this isn't like one of their, you know, this is exactly.

Holy texts. And the fact that your fucking prophet founds your religion, which includes alien Hocum, and then also writes this fucking science fiction garbage. It's just like, how is that compatible in their minds? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my issue. You know what?

Here's the thing about Scientology. just don't think about it too much. And you'll be totally fine. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John didn't write a sword and sandals book afterwards. You know what I mean? It's not like... Well, imagine if they did.

Eric would have read all volumes of it. Fucking great. If that was true, you're right, Kevin. Eric would be like the most religious person I've ever met in my life. Well, I don't know. The thing is, like, when they would have written it, it might have been a little arcane. I can't really... I'm not hanging out reading the Bible. Oh, there's going to be

magicians in it. You're going to read it. The fucking magicians. Cabin, we call those wizards. Oh, okay. No, no difference. The Bible is about magician's style, you know. Jesus was a magician. That guy is a great wizard.

Yeah, he was great with sleight of hand, dude. Water into wine. I heard he was fantastic with balloon animals. How do you do that trick with the water into the wine? Did he, like, prick his thumb? A great magician never tells, dude. He had one of those, like, weird, like, tubes up his sleeve. Oh, that was one of those situations.

Nice. Yeah, a little fucking, like, camel pack was, under his shawl. He had a gigantic back. Oh, they're like, oh, man, he's got a hump. Oh, the Lord is a humpback. No, you know, no, because, listen, no one's ever going to worship a humpback.

Yeah, that's true. Sorry, hump bags. Well, maybe after the crosses off, he'll have a hump there. So John Travolta stars as a humpback in this. Pretty much, this fucking armor and these boots and shit. It's absurd. We don't see him for a little bit, though. No.

He looks, the look is bad. You've got to do, and we didn't do this that much, but like, Hagrid was right around the corner. Like, you know what I mean? And so was Lord of the Rings there. Like, Hagrid was a year later. So was L-O-T-R. So figure out how to like film, like, the stilts are just stupid. It looks really, really bad.

They're just wearing obvious stilts. It's nuts. They're all walking around like their bad circus performers. Like, you have to, like, John Travolta and Forres Whitaker, like, they got their arms out. They're fucking keeping their own balance. Like, easy does it, Whitaker. Just get those heavy soul fucking shoes That's kids at Cold Chamber concerts wore

That's it That's all you need It's fine You just need some fucking Great A hot topic boots And you'd be totally fine Chris Cabin, you mentioned cold chamber A lot

I had that I definitely had that first record Were you a kid at one of those concerts wearing those boots? Oh no no no No I just What's your ranking on placebo there? They weren't new metal

They weren't new metal No but you could wear those boots to a placebo show. And nobody would blink, guaranteed. They were kind of glammy. I liked placebo for a while. I was into placebo for a bit. Yeah, sure. Everybody was. I do. Pure morning. Would I recognize a placebo song? Yeah, probably.

I don't think we can replicate it here. Cabin tried, but it's quite a unique voice. Oh, I thought that was a fucking humpback whale singing. A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better. Nope. Yeah, exactly. Hold on a second, but you agree with that sentiment, don't you? Of course I do, but I'm not singing it like I'm in a magical forest. Is that the delivery?

Yes. But it was close. But already that's better than Scientology, right? Yeah, a lot of things are better than Scientology. Please do not go to the placebo show instead of the Scientology Expo. El Ron Hubbard. It would be great if I could walk in the subway and there was someone at a little table. that was like, say there, would you like to listen

to the new placebo record? Well, trick question, there's no new one. Oh, no, no. Coal Chamber is not affiliated with this church we do here. No, no, we are pure placebo. You know, but while this is not like a sacred textbook, you can definitely get some of the themes of Scientology from this, including the big thing where like they're trying to get

like the upper hand with people. The leverage. The leverage shit. And the fucking filming people doing shit, that is all classic Scientology moves. It is. All those fucking tapes that they have. All the toilet cams. Tons of toilet cams, dude.

Classic. This is what nobody knows about El Ron Hubbard. He loved watching people take a leak. Dudes, ladies. Hold on a second. I feel like the cease and desist is already. Oh, it's right. Yeah.

Now, before you go too far into our auditing session, would you like to use the restroom? If you're any buzzing noises, there's a B in there. No cameras. That's right. That's right. We hate movies.

I, David Miscavage, have brought Elron Hubbard back. Tom, meet him. That would be cool. Imagine this episode makes David Miscavage bring Elron Hubbard and David Miscavage's wife

back from the dead. Because that woman's definitely dead. I just want to let them know if they're listening, because you know they are. They monitor all this stuff that I'm totally open to their way of life and their religion and I would love to learn more. You just got to give them $10,000 and you can.

Well, they should give me $10,000. That's not how it's not how a scam's work. No, no, no, they're probably just a great religion like all the other ones, which are also bad. The scam is so simple. You give them $500,000. You work for them forever. It's the best scam in the world. But he just said $10,000.

Now it's $500. Oh, no, for the real shit. If you want to jump levels, dude, like, cabins. If you'd like me to get the B out of the bathroom, it's going to cost you $500,000. Cabin's giving you the game genie code, dude, 500K up front. Wow. You're like the leader. You're like a third-tier leader.

You're at least in the room with Tom Cruise. You might not get to meet him. I need to meet Tom Cruise. So up those Patreon contributions. Patreon.com slash we have moved. No, we're already off the air. So, yeah, basically it's like, uh, it's. 3,000 years in the future, da-da-da-da, the world is dead.

Barry Pepper is living in caves with the Nazi from Indiana Jones 3. That's the chieftain. Oh, that's what the dude with the scars on his face? Which nuts? I'm sorry, yeah, it is every, no, the Nazi that goes off. Oh, the tank Nazi. I love tank Nazi. Can I say I was a little like, the only text they give you is man is an endangered

species. After a saga of the year 3000. It's Battlefield Earth, a saga of the year 3000, man is an endangered species. I thought there was more scrolled. Yeah, I was like, what are you talk? Okay. You got to help me a little more than that movie. Is it credits now? Oh yeah. Okay. Cool. So this is, it's basically like, this movie is basically kind of like Planet of the Apes for fucking morons. Yes, this is very

planet of the age at the start. Because it's like these are these aliens run Earth. now at what are they called gleepe glott not gleepclos cyclos it's a bad one a second cyclone the brooklyn cyclos dude okay um now can i learn about this guy's religion because it sounds right wait you've never you didn't see cyclo open for coal chamber they were fantastic no i was at the placebo show but yeah the cycle it's a bad word it's i mean a lot of this is bad though like we're calling animals and breath gas rat brain but i like all three of those there's this great uh upright since the brigade sketch from the original show of the 90s show where uh i think like matt besser is

a is a science fiction writer and he he it's it's all this joke where it's like oh the the the spaceman took out his his uh his uh food pack and got the nutrition food and it's like it's a redundant phrasing that does nothing to tell you anything about anything right i I forget, there was another sci-fi movie we did in the show at some point of the storied history of we hate movies, but it was that same, like, we're just making overly complicated terms for shit

when we don't need to. Just say air. Like, just say, you know... Say man, say animal. A less complicated thing for whatever liquor they're drinking. And instead of rat brains, say brains. Some of this might even fly if you also didn't talk like a baby otherwise.

Like, crap. Did you hear how many times they say, crap in this? They say crap like seven times. Who's saying crap? Like John Travolta and Forres Whitaker will not curse. So they just say crap. Can Scientologists not curse? No. Travolta said, lick my bunghole motherfucker. We could have used a lick my bunghole motherfucker in this movie. But it would be wonderful. But it would be like, you know, lick my excrement port. I, hell yeah, dude. Well, that's some fucking sexy pillow talk. I kind of like, lick my fucking excrement port. That's like droid porn.

Oh, I'll do. What are you doing back there? Oh, man. This movie's fucking stupid. Yeah, let's not talk about it. We're doing our best. Barry Pepper comes in and he's like, I'm leaving. And then his love interest is like, your dad is fucking dead. Oh yeah. That's a great line. The gods took your father in the night and then I don't know what it is because you don't see what's in his hand

maybe it's a rock or something he throws something in the air in slow motion like fucking 2001 well that was the medicine that he was trying to save his dad with his dad was sick oh he was getting medicine he went I said I gathered all of the medicine from as much as I could find like yeah your dad's dead he was yeah

and then some of the guy's like I could use that medicine yeah totally where's my insulin we're all dying here That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, uh, a, uh, a transmittable disease. We're all, we're all very sick. The dad, uh, totally gets a fucking James T. Kirk funeral, though. Oh, yeah. Buried under a pile of rocks. Oh, gosh. Not bad. Not bad. Just covered enough so the vultures don't bother with it. And the what in the cave when Barry, so Barry Pepper's like, I'm going to go out there. I know that there's a world out there and we can fucking, we can have a decent life. God damn.

Hell yeah. And then he, he fucking. The Nazi fucking leader guy Because he's so like poor and has nothing Like he's made himself It's so sad A crown of like twigs Yeah And he's just like kind of I'm like

That's not skulls What is this? Are you gonna are you like threatening trees By doing this? Dude they're like little kids playing outside I'm the king Yeah so their Nazi king also says like You can't go out there because

demons have descended from the skies. Oh, the monsters, right. Yeah, the monsters. We have to stay and pray to the old gods so that one day the old gods will come back and chase the demons away, which are the aliens. And you know what's interesting, Eric,

is that they do a close-up of a really, like, scary-looking, like, demon Godzilla thing. Yeah. That you think might come up later in this movie. It does. It's called John Travolta. Yeah.

There's a lot of cave drawings What I do love, though, is we have all these fake words For all the shit, but then they're just plainly saying monsters Yeah Fucking figure this out before cameras are rolling It's a fucking book written by some asshole In like the early 80s who had no grasp on science fiction Yeah, well, I was a best-selling author and what are you?

And the caveman said there's another monster from outer space and check, please. Here's my friend over in the corner drinking a fine cocktail of paint thinner and whatever else was in that movie. We're going to have a sexual orgy later and use our sex magic to create little men. I put a little man in your belly.

Look out there, Amy Adams, there's a little man in your belly. Did they'll run a hubbard have one? Baseman in your belly. Didn't he have, like, sex voodoo parties? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He followed Alistair Crowley.

Yeah. Oh, man. Alistair Crowley, dude. That guy knew what was up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody knows about the man in the high castle. Well, I was the man in the cheat castle because that fucker dick fucked me over. Took all my ideas.

That was my first religion, God damn it. You know, I secretly met Richard Nixon. That was something. It was really something. I was at Bohemian Grove making little men I bet he fucking did a 10 Bohemian Grove dude

Without question California dude man That's what they do We heard stuff Well he like kept like getting like Bounce town to town And literally getting chased out with pitchforks Almost half the time

He's a fucking con artist So the uh Barry Pepper goes on the road He's like you fuck everything And then like There are no women in this movie by the way like there's like no like there's this love interest who kind of bookends the movie and has like six lines of dialogue Kelly Preston is in a wretched scene which we'll talk about for at least 20 minutes and that's it like there's

no women in this that's it yeah so she's like oh you know you know you're you were promised to me we're going to have children together but you know bye oh what's her name again bookend yeah yeah yeah yeah so he goes and you know he's been told that you know that society is crumbulling and he's been in this insulated society and then he sees in a rangerover, I'm not Shyamalan. What? There's a plane flying overhead. He's in

fucking Philadelphia. What? Oh, hey. I'm a park ranger. What are you dressed up as? Hey, what are you a caveman? Cool, you're doing like caveman cosplay, huh? All right, stay on the trails though. Bye. Look out for

scrunts. Dude, they're Definitely should be some scrunts in this movie. Oh, that's right. I invented the scrunt. So he goes and like he, he, he's attacked by something that looks a little bit like what Chris talks about, like the monster. And he starts hitting it with the nearest thing he could find. But what? It's a fake dragon and a mini golf course.

And this is where I immediately gave up on this movie. Because we're told this is the year 3,000. and this fucking shit-ass mini-golf course hasn't been eroded by time. What are you kidding me? It's just like overgrown. Like somebody like forgot about it for a summer. All of this shit that you see of these like empty cities and stuff,

no way in a thousand years is this standing. See, you just, you weren't watching. He's all made of cockroaches. Also, society ended 30 years ago. Like Barry Pepper was born in a normal place. This is just what happened. Is that what we're supposed to believe?

I'm trying to make it work. It doesn't, though, dude. Nothing about this works. But I do like, though, is he's dressed like a treu from the never-ending story. He sure is. Oh, dude, you're going to make me think about him leaving that horse in that mud. I want to start crying, dude. Yeah, that was a difficult moment for us.

No, he did the right thing. Let that fucking horse drown. You know what I loved is that goddamn those statues with the eyes, like the sphinx people, that shoot lasers at people. Remember that never-ending story, man? This was in fuck around. Yeah. And then nothing was like a mean boss.

Yeah. Just gnarling jerk. Let's just talk about this instead. So the, he runs into two dudes. One is played by Kim Coats, who winds up being a big, like the number two,

his number two eventually. And then the other's like this fat guy. Yeah, the fat guy kind of stinks. Why did you woohoo Kim Coats? Because I like Kim Coates. From what? I liked him in Sons of Anarchy

and I've liked him in other movies. Look at this dude watching Sons of Anarchy. I watched the first like for. seasons it's not bad okay it's stupid as hell but it's not bad yeah all right good because i watched hell on wheels which is clearly the better yes it's all coming back to your ants and mount that was the that was the that was the that was the premier wheeled drama of the mid 2000s i'm just letting you know thank you if we're putting no drama on wheels it's hell on wheels are buzzed yes wow 92 episodes of suns yeah he's big in it charming california shut up

Trayger. You've been around for Fred. He was in like a bunch of 80s and 90s action movies. Yeah, he's in the bad boys which was on Patreon. Yeah, there you go. The one,

uh, they wind up like almost fighting but then they're like, hey, let's talk this over over some squirrels. Let's go to our cave. What? Their cave is a mall.

Oh, man. And we're doing all this stupid shit. Again, these mannequins would be dust. Totally dust. And they're walking around and they're like, oh, I see this person over here crossed that fucking

cyclore or whatever they think they're like frozen in time the gods oh right yeah oh they cross the gods was it yeah yeah there's statues out in society and they say that it's like these people that turn their back on god at the last so right frozen in place there is a weird did everybody catch the fucking macdonalds oh yeah reference with all of this were berry peppers talking about how like people used to eat and he's like yes they would go and find these golden arches and would get meat from a building. And I'm like, you're just talking about McDonald's in the year 3,000. And they would worship a man named Big Mac.

Dude, Grimmis should be a fucking deity in Scientology. El Ron Hubbard here. Yes, at this point in this story, I was getting pretty hungry. And then the big bad grimace gifted them all with Nuggettrons. Mm, nuggettram. And I found out that Arby's delivers. Hey, Dave, you're going to need some nuggets up here, pal.

Got to need some nuggets in my enormous mouth. And then the Lord Hamburgler came from the sky to take the burgers from the good men who were just trying to put little people in other people. So, like, Kim Coats and this fat guy, I mean, they're acting like assholes, but, I mean, the last person they saw was fucking Rosamund Pike. So the whole fucking, all of a sudden, Travolta's guys just fucking bust in.

Yes. And there's this chase. And one of my favorite things in this whole movie happens here. Mine too, but Barry Pepper runs down the stairs, and the fat man looks at the stairs, looks at himself, and decides to commit suicide. It's so awesome. he just jumps off that staircase and falls like 30 feet. Yeah! It's like, of course you broke your ankle fat guy.

What are you doing? At the bottom of this, Barry Pepper like stumbles and he walks through five glass planes. Yep. Oh my God. He gets shot in the back and they keep showing him go through these glass panes. It's so funny. That shit would be broken. The mannequins, I don't know.

I don't know how this cancerous things that we've made. I don't know if they biodegrade at all. But the glass would get. Something would have shattered. We could talk with the direction here. Yeah, the direction's terrible. It's Roger Christian, who is a second unit director on Star Wars there. Yeah.

George Lucas recommended he direct this movie. So fuck you, buddy. Is that true? Yeah, Lucas recommended him for this. I'm playing a prank. I'm going to get that Christian son of a bitch good. I came from the spirit world to talk to George, and we discussed that only somebody from his organization could make this.

movie. Only one with imagination of the Star Wars universe could make this movie. Oh, hey, Roger, it seems like your movie's flopping there. Guess what? If you take a swipe at the king, you better not miss. That'll teach you to fucking skip

out on the 30 bucks you owed me from poker night, buddy. I made you direct this colossal failure because you owed me 30 big ones. I signed your name over to David Miss Cabbage. Have fun with that fella.

Hey, buddy, after you direct that failure, you're going on to Sea Corps. Yeah, you're that contracts for six million years, pal. Hope you enjoy the seven C's fuck face. Hold on to the cans, buddy. It's like that he's signing over people for Scientology. Yeah, I'll put you into human bondage, whatever. The, but the direction, we've got, like, everything's Dutch angles, everything's fucking purple. all of the action happens in slow motion

two to three times each time anyone fucking farts the mid wipes that are happening dude and it's just an excuse to get out of scenes and what we're doing in some cases I remember specifically a shot of Forrest Whitaker where he like finishes a line of dialogue and then immediately the wipe starts happening at like the last syllable

and they like slow motion it as the wipe is going just to like prolong it because there's not footage or what like it's so bad and with all the shitty filters we cannot blame this on traffic because traffic came out the year this game out this is pure on unstepped on stupid

you're totally right dude we're talking purple filters green filters blue filters it's the year 2000 it's very that first lost in space movie or that lost in space movie science fiction was in a bad spot you're totally right you know it was just a bad spot. Wait, before we move on from

this mall attack, my favorite thing in this movie is that horse getting assassinated? Oh, right. Dude, it's so awesome. They fucking stunned this horse and the horse is like, no! He fucking falls down. It's great. Well, that's the movie magic.

It goes slow motion, and like, you can clearly see that the trainer's just like go down. Just tilt your head and go down. Just go do that. Baskets, down, Down baskets. Baskets. Okay, bring in Blimpy. Baskets ain't working. So we do, we find, they get, take it to a camp.

There's some, uh, a human processing center, please. Also known as Denver. Yeah. Wow. What a great thing. I've always wondered what Denver would look like in the year 3,000. Oh, is that why they need things to breathe? Because it's Denver. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, they, they have like these stupid. Because it's under the dome. They put Denver under a dome that, like, I guess, mimics the cyclo atmosphere. The cyclos can't breathe Earth's atmosphere and the people can't breathe the cyclo atmosphere.

So at every point in this movie, somebody's wearing a fucking nose piece. And you might be thinking the dome, it's like under the dome or the Simpsons movie. It's Synecichy, New York. Yeah, it's like a big fucking It's a warehouse It's a warehouse With a bunch of flat windows on it And they keep saying dome

Yeah What are you talking about A dome is curved And then at the end Diane Weiss has to tell John Travolta It's okay to die It's not like this alien object That was dropped on Denver

It is like They had to have contractors And stalling windows and shit Yeah here You're gonna need A warehouse dome the cheapest don't we got fellas here's your problem the cock and failed

you're telling me you're cocking failed yeah we were asking me and the boys are you guys clingons or what because we got a couple of Star Trek fans you try to get some autographs no we're not clingons and yeah you need more cock

Trevolta is introduced right here and he is just from frame one terrible He is the best and worst part of this movie, though. Yes. Like, when he's not on screen, I'm like, God, get me, get me back to Travolta. Yep, yep. And I like Barry Pepper, but like, you know, he's got nothing to do.

At least Travolta is just chimp chomp in the scenery. No, you need maniac energy for this to work. Exactly. Like, that's kind of why Barry Pepper, he flounders in this because you don't have anybody with energy. He's like, yeah, I'm just going to run. That's why I need to be like Nick Cage or something. And I know they just did face off. But if I need somebody to play like a kind of.

mom's boyfriend Barry Pepper if I need a fucking Planet of the Ape style humanoid dude running around saving humanity a Luke Skywalker type

either not Barry Pepper no no no not at all if someone's like a kind of put upon lawyer Barry Pepper yeah like he would have been fine in the big short or something

running around there or casino jack or something like that shit yep ex baseball player addicted to pain pills Barry Pepper. Absolutely, yeah. Dude who's a teller who robs his own bank.

Barry Pepper. Absolutely. Savior of humanity, not so much, Barry Pepper. A guy who voices a religious vegetable. Barry Pepper probably eventually. Barry Pepper handing himself a note that robbed his own bank. Oh, wait, whoa, they're serious. Oh, no, my left hand is telling me to rob this bank.

but my right hand doesn't want to do it. Oh, my left hand's got a gun on my right hand. You say this. He would be prime for a remake of the hand. Oh, oh, I like that. Definitely. Oh, biology teacher who fucks his student. Oh, definitely.

Yep, yes. Of course. I mean, he was just showing her what biology was. He could have been one of those Waco guys. He could have been in Waco, absolutely. Just trying to put a little man in her. out-of-work dad who goes to a park every day

as opposed to going to work because he's keeping the unemployment from his family. Yep. Barry Pepper. Absolutely. Paul in the park. That's my new script coming back. So he like,

he escapes from these dudes really quickly. He grabs one of these aliens' guns and fucking kills this guy. And there's this whole thing where like they don't understand that the human beings, what with the opposable thumbs can figure this shit out and whatnot?

So, like, Travolta comes up and he's like, what the hell happened here? Because Barry Pepper, like, literally runs into John Travolta. Like, he runs into the start of the movie. What is so funny about this sequence is Barry Pepper arrives outside of a prison, shoots a guard, and then runs into prison. Yeah.

And then he's stopped by Travolta, who then doesn't believe a main animal could have done this. And he's like, I'm not writing. I'm not writing a, Death Certificate that says a main animal killed this man. There's so much talk about filing paperwork in this movie. Oh, in another barn burning scene I'm going to write in.

Oh, they're filling out a mysterious death certificate. Yeah, it's all of Brazil, but it's all in the office. Yes. And we're doing this thing where, so obviously, the Cyclos don't speak English. And the way the cyclos, the way the humans here are Cyclos, it's just like literally a voice track from fucking the fifth element. It's like, my wim,

shit, yeah, and it's just like, they literally lifted that from that. But then, uh, it's kind of, I like that they,

they, they stopped that immediately. Like, Travolta is going, bra, bra, but he's like, come on, what the fuck is going on?

It's, but through this, like, weird transition audio, that's kind of stupid. I never understood it. I was like, I don't care.

They're talking fucking nonsense. Every time, yeah, every time they go back and forth, they like, They slur for a second. It's like, Bap, but you should run another thing.

Like, it's so weird. I don't get it. Stop doing it. But as long as we're talking about noises. Uh-huh. The one you'll hear the most throughout this movie is me making fart noises while watching this. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, yeah, his laughing. I'm going crazy. Well, he is a cyclone. Cyclone killer. This fucking laugh. It's just going to, it's going to be the last thing I hear when I die. I just know it. I hope so. I hope so.

And the weird thing is like Travolta, obviously, I mean, he is a Scientologist. Yeah. And he was the driving force. He wanted to do this since fucking 83 or whatever. This is genius, man. This is a genius book. And like, I don't know. Like, obviously he actually initially wanted to be Barry Pepper's part, which is Johnny Goodboy, I think, is his character. It's Johnny Goodboy something else. There's a third thing there. Like he's a fucking football player. And, but he wanted to do that. And then he aged out of it. So he's like, oh, I'll play the cyclo.

And it's just this, if this was like your, your passion project, I don't know, show up and do it. Yeah. He did. That's the problem. Travolta is trash pretty much. I mean, he's had his moments, but he's a trashman. He's a director. He's a bull in a china shop.

He needs a director really to wrangle him down. He needs to be, his legs need to be shot off like he shoots his cows like. And he finally found. his match with Kevin Connolly. Finally, somebody to rain it in. Oh, you're referring to the film, Gotti. I am indeed. He asked QT to you to do this.

This movie? He did. He did. He literally pitched it to him. It's like, it's like Pulp Fiction in Space. What? Did he say that? He said it's Pulp Fiction in Space.

Well, this might be what, I mean, Tarantino's Star Trek might. Well, he was like looking at it. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, big boots like that, like that. Any women wearing big boots? Or better yet, Jan. Any women not wearing big boots? If you get my drift, Johnny.

Are there open-toe sandals on this planet Earth? 3,000 years. I mean, mini golf courts are still there? How about open-toe sandals for a quintin? Open-toed sandals. You know, Steve, you just reminded me saying Pulp Fiction in Space. I'm not going to name names. but one time I knew a person

who saw the film Inglorious Bastards and it was before it came out and I said to this person Oh, Red, you saw Inglorious Bastards. How was it? And this person said to me Oh, it's kind of like

Pulp Fiction with Nazis and I was like, wow, that sounds terrible. And then I saw the movie and at like five minutes into the movie I was like, oh, that person either lied about seeing that movie or is the dumbest person ever sit in a movie

Yeah, exactly My favorite part of that movie is when Dr. Mangalas Give me my little black medical book It's got all my experiments in it What's the scene with Rommel Anybody pricks move

Yeah, when Rommel holds up that fucking diner It's a great moment They didn't call him the Desert Fox for nothing Oh, yeah, it's my wallet It's the one that says bad motherfucker on it Yeah, you want to come Hang out later

Stick around, get tired, it'll be good You know, Trudy really likes you As Trudy the The Nazi out there with all the shit in their face No, that's Eva Braun, that's my girlfriend Oh yeah, bring out Zigimp Yeah, yeah, bring him out, bring out, bring out Zimp You're saying it's $5 for a milk

See they don't put schnapps in there the big Kahuna burger Oh, I hope it's a vegetarian burger Myn furor doesn't eat meat You shot helmet in the face! All I'm saying is he was the dumbest take on a movie I've ever heard in my life. Look at the big brain on bread.

I talk fast, I clean flas I run concentration camps past. Now that, if that was the movie, yes, it would be like Pulpiction with Nazis. It would be almost exactly like Pulpiction with Nazis. So, oh, so this security guard, he makes the security guard commit suicide, by the way. Yes. He's like, give the gun back to this fucking rat brain and see what happens. And Barry Pepper kills this other guy.

And Travolta's like, well, write my little report here. And then, so we meet Travolta. He is the head of security of Earth. Which here's was, here's something. Please. I was so shocked that his position is as lowly as it is. Like, I didn't know what this movie was about. Like, obviously, I've known what this movie is.

I've literally been avoiding it for almost 20 years now. And I'm watching it last night. And I'm like, really? Head Security Guard? That's the thing that you are in this movie? You're not like the king of the alien people. Or call him like governor of her. Yeah.

Anything like, no, just chief security. He's fucking Wharf? Great. We're drowning in stupid fucking names. Make up one for him. Exactly. The most important security guard. But he hates it because he is only the most security guard on this rotten fucking planet.

Yeah. And he wants to get off. And he talks about he used to be this big hot shot who is part of the big academy. He graduated first in my class. Oh, whoopty farts. I wonder if his fucking parents paid together. get him in there, huh? Get him into the fucking head,

Gleepglopp Academy or whatever. That is funny. There's a bartender character in this film that is like an informant that Troll. Yeah, that's his name, right? John Travolta. Travolta's character's name Troll.

He's like fucking with this dude. He's like, well, since I'm leaving, I'm going to fuck you over anyway. And it's just this fucking useless shit. But I bring him up because that security guard says, hey man, come on. You know that my son is now going to the academy and it doesn't cost cheap

because I'm also now embroiled in this celebrity alien bribery scale. Come on, pal. My son wants to kill man animals too. Help me out here. Curl or turl or whatever. The one thing that really,

it's a, it's like a verbal contract. No, it's a verbal. Agreement. damn it it's it okay what's not a verbal kint a verbal trope

that happens okay over and over again that that Travolta does all the fucking time in this movie he's talking to this guy's like oh yeah sure that wouldn't just

magically appear on your report it won't magically appear because I'm gonna fucking put it there I would never do anything to you but my

supported it would and it's like it's all of that yeah because that happens later like when it's leverage dude he's like

oh yeah no like I promised I'm not going to kill him. Forest Whitaker is. You're like, dude, come on. Do that once. You could do that once. It's like your uncle playing like a shitty trick on you. And you're like, that's cool fucking Uncle Greg, you asshole.

It's also fine if you just do it once. Exactly. The scene goes on for 12 minutes. And it's not funny. And he's like, oh, but I'm not going to do it. But yes, I am. The fucking failed comedy in this movie is outrageous. I actually don't know.

I'm a really funny guy. I was Elron Hubbard. I was a con man of astrophysicist, a Navy SEAL, and I was a comedian. I had a tight five that I did at the opening week of the comedy store. It was a tight five about electric vibes getting into your body and negatively affecting you. Oh, you're that guy. Who are your guys? So Zeno, Richard Nixon, of course, Harry Houdini.

Kodos and Brian Wilson of course huge fan Charles Manson he was a great songwriter so whatever so like we move on

Forrest Whitaker is Travolta's number two who's very excited because once Travolta leaves he will be the number one Right and Travolta's been like training him as his replacement they're drinking a lot

in this movie an alcohol called a kerbango great it looks like the the worst rave juice you would ever get in your life it looks like the secret of the ooze wave juice it's new orleans swamp juice yeah exactly what it is this the real thing

they're all like fucking hurricane container container they're drinking fucking beer bones dude give me back my fucking beads I showed my tits I earned my beads God damn it. How would I beat you the tits joke?

Beech you to the John Travolta's floppy tits joke. Turles gone wild. And then Turl revealed his magnificent rack. I'm a great writer. I've never done this before. He looked like one of those gorgeous aliens. You just want to put a little man inside him. So Travolta's,

boss shows up and this guy looks like the most Klingon fucking Klingon of all the Klingons. He looks like specifically that Fat Klingon and TNG who's like the emperor. Yeah totally. Who they do business for a little bit and I think he's a fat Klingon heart attack. Sure. And he

comes up but he's like and he actually does the thing too. He's like, oh that's right we wouldn't want you to stay here for another five cycles Turl. We want you to stay here for other 50 cycles without the possibility for a new Whoa, man, he got off, like, he got a harder sentence than Paul Manor for it.

It's not 50, though. Doesn't he say, like, $5 million or something? No, he ups it. 50 cycles with endless possibility for renewal. Exactly. Depended on the home office, not you, so we will renew it for another 50. Dude, and just like Scientology is just this, like, scam business. We're using words like the home office.

Yeah. I'm surprised John Traveld does not refer to as the district manager. I mean, he kind of is. That was probably in the original script. Rather than head of security or whatever the fuck he is. All right. Roger, we got to do some rewrites here. It sounds like he's running a Wendy's.

Well, no, he's not running a Wendy's when the boss shows up and says that it's actually the ugliest crap hole he's ever seen. Oh, that's right. Windies is actually a nice establishment. The Baconator is back in season. Oh, man. Oh, so, like, their whole thing, too, there's, it's like something, something. Why don't we just fuck all

and exterminate these human beings all over the planet and then blow up the planet after we, also, I love this little detail. We're stealing gold. There's gold in them hills. For some reason, us aliens value gold. As a man in 1980, all I could think of is gold.

There's nothing else. useful in the world. I loved gold. I loved driving in pink convertibles and I hated siushi. Good night, Mr. Pocket. The so yeah, but then they're like, oh no, but we have to mine all this gold and Travolta's plan here, which is actually like, it's insane that this is the plot of this movie, which is like, I'm going to steal gold from behind. I'm an alien, a nine-foot stupid-looking Klingon dreadlocked

alien. And I'm going to steal gold from my boss without him looking and then buy my way off this planet. It's like, what am I watching? Why is this the plan though? Because the whole start of this is like it's John Travolta's last day at work. And everybody's like giving him a fucking goodbye cake. Well, now that he's going to be damned to have his job longer, he gets the idea, well, I saw that rat brained piece of shit, barreled pepper shoot two guys. So these man animals have enough wits about them, thank you Fars Wittaker for pointing this out, that we could maybe teach

them to mine. Oh, sure. And do this illegal side practice of having the man-an animals mine gold for us on the side. Now it's Kelly's hero. And Forrest Wittaker has found a specific deposit of gold that he's

going to use for himself. But then Travolta gets it over on him and blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, because we talk about this plot. My God is most of it just like, I have cameras, Forrest. Yeah. And that's like, I'm like, I don't care. That's Scientology, dude.

You're getting fucking filmed on the can. Allegedly. I mean, Christianity does this too. I don't mind that, Davey. It's just a bee in the bathroom. Remember the bee? It's still in there. Davy, I can't get that darned bee out of the bathroom.

For another $500,000, I will remove the bee from the bathroom. Update, Davy. the bee told me that he'll leave for a million dollars. Also, what's fucking hilarious right here, he's fucking arguing with this boss about having like this stay extended and whatnot. And at some point, this, I think it's the boss says to John Travolta

that at least when he's rotting in hell, he'll recognize people down there. And I'm like, you have hell? Yeah. These gleep-clops have hell? Yeah. What the fuck? Because why the fuck not, man?

Fuck it. That's right. Why the fuck not indeed, Davey? Hell it is. I'm writing. The one thing this movie did, the book had, that was very Scientology, that was excised from this movie, probably because, and there was a lot of, like, when this movie was coming out, like, people like, is this just a Scientology tool? And then I was like, no, no, it's just a Star Wars. Don't worry about it.

But they removed from this. was the Cyclos, one of their biggest characteristics in the book, the thousand-page book, this asshole. Thanks a lot. George R.R. Farton.

Was put bees in bathrooms. No. Cyclos loved bees in bathroom. Is it being a Tom Cruise fan? No, it's a psychiatrist. They were all like were controlled by psychiatrists, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Right. That's a big no-no in science. As we know, psychiatry is bullshit because somebody called me a compulsive liar? What? That's got to be evil. Well, that's because you fucking wanted Dianetics to be like the APA or was supposed to fucking pick it up. You know, that's why Kirstie Alley never played Rebecca Howe on Frazier. Oh, really? I didn't know that.

Because Frasier and Niles were psychiatrists. Frasier is a sinful show in many regards. I mean, those fucking sherry glutton's. The pants. I think that's what my dad called him. I mean, the pants alone. You know you have to get into the liquor. The pants that fucking Frasier Crane is wearing.

He's just wearing nice suits. There's a little pleaded going on there. There was the 90s. What's the matter with you? You want to get his pants off? Yes. And they'll all have pleaded pants. I'm writing interior.

Seattle. Yes, we're inside Seattle. This is a screenwriting. Frasier Crane enters no pants. I'm working on a spec script. Hey, Davey, I hear the blues are calling. Dr. Fraser Crane was hanging brain in front of Davy that night. Look, Davy, this book is, when you read it, it's telling you things that are happening right now.

The father says psychology is bullshit And the dog barks affirmative But so whatever That's the plan Barry Pepper is now in this prison situation There is a All Ross and her boyfriend What is this about

I like So that's how he starts a page It's like What's gonna happen here With Ross and her? boyfriend. It's a treatment. It's not finished. It's just me organizing my thoughts.

Oh, that Niles, he needs another latte. Litt-Dut-T-T-T-T-Do. Bulldog, he is a character. You know, when you get to level 40 of Scientology, you get to see Maris Crades.

So you just need another $400,000. Oh, suddenly, the radio equipment is picking up frequency from planet's Glow. This is going to be interesting, Mr. Frazier. I would love that, dude. They're like, and now you've paid another

$750,000. Here's that secret Maris Crane video. And it's just whatever Miss Cavage getting shot in the head. Oh, my Lord. Allegedly. It's her, dude. It's her fucking death tape, dude.

She's probably just in heaven now. Or no, she's in Zinu, which is alive. In Zinu. You, everything is fine. Listen, all religion is bad, more or less. But it's okay if you like it. Even Scientology. You know what?

I was raised a Catholic and that's horseshit, man. They just raped kids all the time. That's really bad. I was raised the same. Yeah, they're just rapists. You know, my church was so devout that in the basement of the rec center, there was just a cigar humidor and a botchee ball court. Rec center, I hardly know him.

This will surprise nobody at all, but I, I wasn't raised, period. That's true. So, Barry Pepper's in prison. He gets, he, like, kind of unites everybody because there's this stupid scene where eating slop and, like, the ex-head guy is like, I eat first, then my men do, and then everybody else. And then, like, he beats the shit out of him really quickly.

He's like, we all eat together! That's great, isn't that? You're really, really fueling a revolution. And it's, like, not oatmeal, but, like, cream. peas or something. It doesn't look good. So you didn't care about it as much this time? No.

Because on the island, dude, you went fucking ab shit for that oatmeal hose. Yeah, I would go for an, I would go for an oatmeal hose. But creamed peas hose? No. Yeah, not really. And again, you know. I like oats. Like a horse.

1980s movie set on Long Island about a video store clerk who has to rob from his own video store to get his girlfriend an abortion. Yep. Barry Pepper. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, ruler of the free world that's going to unite the man. Guy who plays a dude who uses a creamed peas hose. Yeah. What if I fudged the books and we never had Jerry McGuire, but all those profits go right to the abortion.

The man that founded Quaker Oats, Barry Pepper. Oh, definitely. dude that's like a more boring version of that michael keaton macdonald's movie what was it the crock what was that the founder of the founder so then it's berry pepper like swindling an old man out of his image to put on the fucking quaker oats box get over here quaker i'm going to take your picture and steal your soul how do you how do you get these oats out so quick the uh so moving on more stuff happens uh i think that's the name of this movie. No, that was literally in the screenplay, just interior, moving on, more things happen.

More things happen. Can we talk about there is a character who looks like a final fat emperor, planet ship? Boy, that was a good name. Oh, oh, yes. Oh, yeah. His name was planet ship. The fat guy is named Planet Ship. He looks like obese Peter Boyle. He does look like obese Peter Boyle. Absolutely. He looks like if Peter Boyle was melting. Oh, yeah, that guy was nasty. He's got like, four George Lucas gobbler's in one. He's like a centibite. Like, it's not really... He does look like a centabyte.

It's a little too centibite for this movie. Oh, by the way, did you guys catch this? When John Traveld's boss shows up, it is kind of alluded to that one of the reasons why he's being damned on Earth is because he fucked a senator's daughter. Yes, with fucking... A cyclo-senator's daughter?

Wasn't that the plot of that General's daughter movie? But he was investigating it in that. He didn't fuck the daughter. Oh, I see. At least I don't think so. Was that help her? Was that that movie? No, I said, by the way, I saw...

Help her is primal fear. Oh, right, right, right. Speaking of the Catholics. I saw the General's daughter with my mom and her boyfriend in theater. That's a bad move. Yeah, why are you doing that? I don't know. It was just one of those, like, Saturday evening, want to go see a movie?

Yeah, I sure, the General's daughter. Well, you see, the reason that Planet Ship looks like such shit is because all the other guys have, like, big fucking cone head heads. Yeah. Well, he's just sagged it down and became a bunch of chins. I just don't get it. He looks like he's going to do the time warp a little bit, too. It's a little bit of that going on. And he's actually the ruler of the planet.

And the idea is they're trying to get over on him. So they're like, oh, you know, what if we trained all these men to do this thing? And how do they get leverage on him or something? They get tape of him saying something stupid. Oh, later in the movie, Travolta's got him on tape fucking peeing somewhere. I don't know. Turns out that wasn't a B. Well, it's all about capitalism, don't you know?

Because the whole thing is like, as long as you're boosting profits, it doesn't matter what you do. Right. But if you go against the commander. Because they're as a cyclo-alian race, they have like a prime profit directive. Yes. That like if you find a way, even though you circumvent. Convent Cyclo Law. If it yields more profit, it is then okay. It's deemed totally fine. Well, also, because the other term, I couldn't figure out, I couldn't

remember what it was. They say the home office, but they're also most definitely talking about the corporation a ton, which is great. So Barry Pepper, they're trying to find a way to motivate the men. And it's Forrest Whitaker and John Travolta having a conversation like, well, let's let them escape. And we'll find out what their favorite food is and then we'll turn it against them. Oh, right, right, right. So they like spy on them. It's so

ridiculously bad. And it's a weird thing where they're like, all right, we're going to stage this whole thing to make them think that they escaped from this like chain gang situation. And then using all of our P cameras, we're going to like spy on them and see what they like to eat. There's this whole thing where like one of them

finds a rat and they just start fucking night of living deading this thing. Yeah, because it's been days they haven't eaten. Because also, like, time in this movie is so confusing, like, how long anything day. Well, except for the ending, which is nuts. It's the most egregious, like, use of time ever in a movie, I think. They also suggest that Travolta planted the rat. And he's like, watch, watch what they take.

Did they say that? He's like, look, look what they're doing. And I'm like, what else were they going to eat there? His whole thing was, like, once they're settled down, they've gotten away, they will eat their favorite food. Oh, right. They will feast on their favorite food, and it happens to be that live rat. So then later in the film,

Travolta comes around with a fucking dead rat in his throat of his face. Do you want lunch? Hey, do you want lunch? Like, you should be thanking me. I love the do you want lunch. There's a couple of really great like him just screaming things, and I'm like,

how are these not memes? Or like an overly used gif on Twitter. Come on, come on. The hangar door. opens for the rat train there's a great line somewhere around here so like they put uh little button cameras on all of them and berry pepper like figures out that they're like or he thinks they're like trying he hears the cameras like zooming in and out and he's like oh so just bees well no he's like oh it's trying to bite you and he pulls them all off or whatever and then so like Travolta all the cameras go out and Travolta's flipping out and he's like trying to yell it

for his Whitaker and he goes move your fat ass and And then I think that this is a flub that they left in the movie, also kind of like Star Wars. Do you see when like they're walking down that hallway, like he says, move your fat ass, they go walking down a hallway. Travolta totally hits his head on part of it. And he like gets like kind of like knocked for a second. And then like he keeps playing it. And I was like, nah, you fucking just hit your head, John Travolta. That's not the character hit in his head.

You're on these moron stilts. How are you supposed to walk in these things? That's where the haircuts come from, by the way. Ever since that fucking on the head. That's where all these crazy haircuts come from. Now that they have the entire. Haircuts, Chris, really? Hair decisions.

Yeah. Now that they know that they love to eat live rats or whatever, they pick them up and they bring them back to the facility. And they start teaching Barry Peppers how to learn cyclo the language. Not just that. I mean, they teach him like math and jam. And I'm like, Travolta. But through an eye gun.

You are engineering, like, someone to fuck you over. That's what's so stupid about all of this. Well, no, he'll just eat rats. It's like, no. And then we get this fucking, like, this broadcast thing. It's like, I am an alien race that was murdered by Cyclos. Oh, yeah. I probably fucking dead.

And anyway, do you want to learn the language of our masters the Cyclos? Okay, well, stand perfectly still, and we're going to shoot a gun through your face. It's kind of like Clockwork Orange. Like, he's just forced to, like, love. look at all of world history or whatever. A little Matrix C, too. We're just injecting knowledge of short circuit as well. Input, Barry Pepper Keeps said.

It's really twisted. Like, you essentially defeated this entire race and then scanned them to become your digital butlers. Like, for like, after the, that's how Jeeves got started, man. Well, do you want to ask Jeeves or not? he can't answer that detailed of a question but the weird thing is one of a logic flaw in this film oh what is what so John Travolta is the king of earth or whatever the fuck head security guard

and like he's like oh men what do they like to eat I don't know rats and like but then later Barry Pepper when he gets all this knowledge injected and he was like, oh, it's like Euclidean geometry. And I'm like, well, you know what Euclid is, but you don't know that fucking human beings eat pork and rice and fucking beans, which sounds like a great taste. Oh, my God, I'm getting hungry. No, but you know, like, food.

Right. It's just like, you don't know what food is, but you know Euclidean geometry is. Later it takes them to like the library of somewhere. And he's like, look at all this bullshit. And it's like, you don't. It just, it's so much. Did I, did I catch that right when he sends him to this Denver library? And he's like, look around.

See what doesn't. exist anymore. Does he or does he not see the declaration of him? He does, and he reads it backwards. He starts to put his, he's like, turning the pages backwards. So how does he learn English? He doesn't. Unless

the Cyclos learn English, and if that's the case, then they know that they eat regular food. He knows cavemen talk, and then he knows Cyclo. And then, like, once he gets the eye gun with the cyclo, we get another one of those moments where the cyclos are talking like,

well, they like rats. And now Barry Pepper understands their language. But he says Euclidean geometry, which is a human term. You know what? That whole scene of him like in this prison cell showing all the other primate men, the fucking math shit is useless. It comes to nothing. Well, it's so fucking funny because the one guy's like,

hey, wait a second. How is this going to help with our humanity uprising? Oh, it won't. It's just for funzies. Well, if I have, there are three cyclos and you cut one of their fucking heads off, how many cyclos do you have left? Right. If one cycloat gets off at Albuquerque and then two cyclos get on at Santa Fe. They're all eating rats on the train. How many rats is that? It's a lot of fucking rats.

So like, and, you know, he's, what you'd be called there? Travolta's gearing up for this plan. He's like, now you're going to learn head of mind. It's going to be. great and like we pick up this other clan of humans at some point they just have like a whole mess of people in cages barry pepper is sort of like rising to be like travolta's number one guys sort of like they have this weird working relationship where it's like all right barry pepper like i'm not going to kill you i'm going to make you the leader of all the other people yeah and you're going to teach them mining and and whatnot it's important to note right here even though the film doesn't really care

that that previously thought assassinated horse runs back to the camp he gets out of that mall and he runs all the way back to the camp and that lady friend and the fucking Nazi caveman are like oh

your dude has been captured or whatever and she's like oh cool I'm going to run after him and the Nazis's like no you won't and she's like you're not really a leader and I'm just going to go now so that's a scene that's about 45 seconds. Sure. That's her big arc. Yeah, she's getting a little

more air time. But then she immediately gets kidnapped. And immediately and we get these, this is when we get the collars, the exploding collars, which first of all, I love an exploding collar. Absolutely. That's that Rucker Hower movie in Spades. Yeah. I just love an exploding collar. It's my favorite

trope in movies. And like our friend, what's this guy's name? Nekoma? Nekota. Yeah, the man from Minnesota. Nekoma from Minnesota. NICOMA from Minnesota. We, so... This episode is only for, and you shouldn't be listening to this if you're not him.

It's supposed to be... We're supposed to be, like, banning certain IP addresses. See you now. We don't have that technology. It's an illegal leak if you're listening to them. So, like NICOMA said, so they wind up grabbing... Travolta... They grab Barry Pepper's lady friend there.

They put a collar on her, and he's like, I'm going to blow her fucking head off, man. And he's like, okay, that's fine. And to show you... I'm going to do it on this guy. And this is the scene where he's like, but I won't kill your friend. Forest Whitaker will. Yeah.

And he blows it and it happens off screen. You just see Barry Pepper react to it. I'm like, what am I doing here in Battlefield Earth? What am I doing? Just blow this guy's fucking head off. It's one of many times when it just goes inaudible. Yes. Like you can't, it's just blanket music.

You know what? Like I don't, I mean, I do need to see that Mel and Go fucking Gallagher style. But if you're trying to like preserve. of that PG-13. I'm fine with, like, some chunks hitting Barry Pepper. That's all right. A red mist.

Around here, too, John Travolter just start shooting a bunch of cows as well. Oh, right. And it's like we don't, we only see, we see one cow's leg get shot off. Oh, dude.

And it kind of slowly falls down. And that's like a giff I love. But like, then we never see all the other cows be massacred, but they are implied to be massacred. That action figure word falls off. Yes, that leg fall. off reminds me, this is a great point to bring up now, the special effects

in this movie are abhorrent. Yep. The CGI, all of these effects are so fucking bad. And like, bad for 2000. Yes, terrible for 2000. The Matrix had come out already. You know what I mean? Like, this is fucking embarrassing. And it's interesting because

like the more you read about this movie, apparently they were forced to make this movie for like a staggeringly low amount of money. It was supposed to be 75. but somebody who's cooking the books, it was only about $40 million. And, like, Travolta took, like, kind of a pay cup,

but not really, so most of it went to him. Oh, I'm getting paid. Hey, Roger. Hey, Roger, yeah, it's George. You know, you have a lot of shootouts in your movie, huh? Well, somebody just took all the squibs in Hollywood for the next month. Who could have such power, Roger?

Fuck you, bye. You know, Roger, here's the thing, man. You just make the movie now with, like, the bogus cow leg falling off and whatnot. And then, like, 20 years later, you can make the Battlefield Earth Special Edition, man. You can put it back out in theaters, and that cow will really blow sky high. Yeah, well, how about this? How about the cow shot first? It makes Terrell a more sympathetic character.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll get industrial light and magic to help you. Oh, yeah. Oh, Roger, what's your budget? Oh, it's only about 30 million after Travolta gets his cut. Well, hey, man, I made Star Wars for 11 million in 1977. Goodbye. Bye.

So, at this point, speaking of wretched special effects, Kelly Preston comes in. Oh, mercy. John Travolta's beloved wife of Practical Magic fame. I like Kelly Preston in general. Yeah, what the hell? She's fine. This scene is terrible.

She looks like, so we've seen nothing but male of these cyclos. Right. We've not seen a female cyclone. Male cyclos look like Klingons. Female cyclos look like Shiva from fucking Mortal Kombat 3. Yeah, totally. Also, Smoker Hellraiser. Yeah, yeah, a little bit of smoke.

I got a strong, I got a strong. Yeah, we are stealing from the centibites left and right in this movie, I just have to say. And like, he's like, hey, Forrest Whitaker, meet my lady friend. She just got tape of the big fat Peter Boyle, motherfucker. Right. And it's like, and look at her tongue and the tongue thing. Oh, man. What are we, what's, I mean, like, what is the scene?

What's the scene? If you're, look. Imagine her licking your bunghole, motherfucker. That's just the thing. Before this, I, and this is me speaking, I was going through without thinking about genitals or fucking butt holes or anything like that. Absolutely. But now, now you open Pandora.

box with this fucking tongue that I can only assume was meant to go up Terl's asshole and fucking massage his spleen. Correction, you're opening Pandora's butt dude. Exactly. This is a quick FY Elron Hubbard, Interior Denver, we're thinking about

fucking tongues. Fucking sexy stuff. We're going to figure that out later, but definitely put tongues down. Think about it. You know what's hilarious? Is if you go to Kelly Preston's Wikipedia page, or not

Wikipedia, excuse me, IMDB Tribune Trivia page, or just the Tribune page, her profile page. Like the four selected works you put at the top which is supposed to be like your top gigs, right? Sure. This

Jerry McGuire. Sure, she's great in that movie. Cat in a Hat. No. And the Amanda Binds comedy What a Girl Wants. Wow. All of those are Scientology. from the Kelly Preston scene they get

they get it over on this on the ruler of the earth and now he's just you know Travolta's calling the shots on the entire planet yeah there is a thing I just want to say because it speaks a lot

to like the mentality of a lot of the making of this movie I feel in that scene where she's like showing the fake tongue and all this other shit or whatever she has the tape and she kind of says something

to the effect that like she's saying like she has shit oh that's what it is she's like oh also like if you you don't take me with you and like make me your bride and whatever. I've got some shit on you. And he goes, a female getting leverage?

Ah! Yeah. Oh, come on. Take a shot every time they say leverage in this movie. You'll be dead. I thought I was watching that show I never watched. Also called leverage.

Oh, right. The leverage team. Oh, my God. So around now, like Barry Peppers and all of his buddies start exploring the world of Colorado. Well, but how do they get around there? No, because he goes, what do you call it? Turl is like, all right, you're going to mine my gold. I'll be back in one week.

And it's like, wait, what? Have fun. Because he can't, like, breathe out there. Yeah. But no, crucial thing, how do they get out there? Because they're in Denver. Yeah. And he's sending them to like, like, sort of like, you know, sort of like the Midwest to do this.

How do they get there? He sits in a flight simulator with Barry. Perry Pepper. And he's like, this is how you fly our little space machine? Yes, yes. And you just teaches him how to fly their, they're like trans. Yeah. And he's teaching him how to do this thing. And he's like, all right, if you crash this one more time, I'm going to kill you. And he gets it perfectly. Yeah. Which sets up the end of the movie, which somehow to me is the most shocking part. Well, we're skipping over. The whole fact introduced the bad guy from kindergarten cop as the leader of like the wildlings. Yeah, Robert the Fox, this guy's. Yeah, the this guy.

And, like, he also has to go into a training fucking jumblebox. That's what we're getting. That's what's coming up. Because now we're wandering in Colorado, which is, you know, full of NORAD and deep underground military bases and all kinds of fucking crazy shit. Oh, I keep up with the Q and on stuff. I know. They come across a fucking flight simulator and they're like, it's a learning computer. Get inside there.

We can fucking learn. out of fly jets. But that is when they, you got to pay attention to the little subtiles here because we are jumping all over the United States in this movie. Yes.

That is in Fort Hood in Texas. Really? Yes. After they've gone and discovered there's a bunch of gold in Fort Knox. So the whole thing is like, they're not mining. They're like, all right, a bunch of you guys

pretend to mine. We found all this gold in what they used to call Fort Knox. We're just going to give it to you guys. while at the same time we're in Fort Hood using other flight simulators to train ourselves to fly these jet fighters in 14 days. This movie spits in the face

of the American military and the hard work that those men and women go through training to use these machines. A caveman could do it. It's a completely illiterate who's never learned anything aside from stick, ball, and fire. And also, may I just point out?

And cyclo. Encyclo. These planes and all these weapons and all these things that they find to be totally fine have been sitting there for a thousand years. And these jets take off like no pro. What are you talking about? Why not make it a million, Elron? Let's fucking round up, you fucking idiot.

It's so insane. Do you remember the line when they bring the gold bars to fucking Turrell? Oh, when he gets pissed off that they're in bar form or whatever? He's like, since you had time to smith. Delt it. Then you dealt it! Now it's seven days for the rest of the goal. Oh, right.

Then he shortens it to seven days. So they learn how to fly jets in seven days. People who don't know how to read, who don't know how to fucking, who don't know what a plane is, who don't know to drive, they don't know how to fucking ride a bicycle. And they're flying planes.

And then Beryl Pepper tells his people that, like, well, that just means we have seven days to take over the planet. And not only that, we're also going to blow up planet cyclo so they can't send reinforcements. So in seven days' time from eating rats, we are going to take over the planet Earth from this alien occupation and also sure what the fuck blow up their home planet. Not only am I going to learn, are you guys all going to learn how to fly airplanes using a simulator?

I'm also going to piece together nuclear fission real quick. Let me just, I'll be hot wire this nuke real quick. Also, just let me quickly train an army. Yep. Let's just do that. Let's get ready for that one. Well, there's a horseshit thing. And the only reason I even know this is because I was like, you're not paying attention

to this movie. You better read the Wikipedia page. There's something about certain chemicals that we have on Earth, like, react violently in the Cyclose atmosphere. Yeah. So they don't really need a nuke. This dude kind of just like lets this little bomb go off. And somehow that.

that chain reaction is supposed to destroy the entire plan. Sure. And he knows that because he's Barry Pepper. He was in the knowledge machine for like 25 minutes. So that's a lot of minutes. Training expert flight officers in seven days. It's such a slap in the face. And we're also told at some point in this dumb movie is that the invasion, he's like, oh right, Mr. Man Animal, which by the way, take a shot every time to say Man Animal, you'll be dead in four minutes. Couple that with rat brain, dude. All right, Mr. Man, Animal, do you know how long your entire world military lasted nine minutes?

So, like, these people were decimated in nine minutes, and these freaking, these cavemen are going to figure this shit out better than people who are trained for it the entire world. All the world governments with all their military trained more than 25 minutes. Yes, more than seven days. Defeated in nine minutes. You can't put out a talent show in seven days. Trust me, I try. You can't save the orphanage in seven days. Dude, that community center is going down if all you have is seven days.

Only if you can book Goingo Boingo. There's a horseshit thing too where they like go to the like the wreckage that was once D.C. Yeah. And Barry Pepper's like, at one time this was our people's capital. Remember? Because I was in the flashlight chair for a few minutes. I know all this. I read the Declaration of Independence upside down or something shit.

They park at the Library of Congress. Oh, yes. This is so fucking dumb. I know all this shit, but they think we eat rats for some reason. Anyway. And also around here now, Forrest Whitaker's trying to get the upper hand on John Travolta.

Right, because he tried once and Travolta, like, called him out on it. And Barry Pepper's, like, trying to get him to flip on Travolta is the idea. And there's, like, disc with information, because again, it's all the leverage. It's all the fucking F plot of this movie that I could give a shit about.

I don't remember what it was, but he's got leverage over Travolta, and Travolta's like, well, then I will just kill you. And it's just like, well, no, I sent it to someone else to be released in the event of my death. Oh, is it the bartender? And he pulls out the dude's head out of the, I don't know, out of a glove compartment or something. Dude, and like the no budget Friday. 13th movies had better

decapitated heads than this thing it's such a stupid scene like nobody cared about that bartender nobody one thing we have to talk about which I'm sorry like the glove the feet are really stupid the hands are so much worse they're like claws kind of just wearing

like monster gloves it's one thing to put like you know because that takes like real makeup you know give somebody like saber tooth claws like the X-Men movie or whatever yeah but it's like you go to the fucking monster store and put on monster glove and spray paint so much of this was purchased at a year-round Halloween store definitely. It's crazy. And like

Travolta has to act in these fucking mittens. It's ridiculous. But it was great because at the same time he was able to help craft services take stuff out of the oven. Well, he's a mittens. Well, with the mittens. He's helpful. He's a helpful man. So, like, this is kind of the end of the film.

And so by the, oh, by the way, there's one there's one guy, uh, it's like the brother of the guy whose head gets exploded. Barry Pepper feels very bad about that. He gives him a lock of his hair. And he's like, thanks to you and he's like all right when tomorrow happens i will detonate the dirty bomb and i will be the one to die and the other guy's like no we need you i'll do it he's like oh yeah totally cool thanks thanks dude yeah oh you got it oh that's great right because he's got to crack the dome right because then it would destabilize the supply if they breathe the air they're all going to die

but somebody needs to go to the planet and that's a suicide mission and barry pepper is a good leader and he's going to do it but the other guy's like i got it oh you're good you're good yeah what's other guy's name like larry or something people are on suicide mission so Barry Pepper doesn't have to be. You guys got that, right? Okay, cool. All right. I'm going to manage the whole situation.

Yeah, Barry Pepper has his wallet out, the card out, and the guy says, and then he puts it away. Exactly. Oh, thanks so much, man. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. There is another hilarious fucking thing kind of around here where Barry Pepper has like, so he's like, all right, cool. I'm not going to fly the plane into the dome.

I'm also not the dude who's going to get teleported to the planet and light off the dirty bomb. But I'm going to pay all the invoices. Yeah, no, I'm going to be doing all the paperwork. Don't worry about it. I am going to make sure the order is in for the pizza party when we're victorious at the end of all this. And also, I'm going to get in this hilarious shootout, which with a bunch of these, like, cyclo assassins, this scene of him slow-mo running through this exploding hallway, it's like 75 seconds long. We're repeating some shots.

Sure. It's so incompetently constructed. It's also one of these movies where they didn't do anything to smooth the green screen with the person. So it's just like pronounced at everything, like dark edges around them. It's so bad. And I mean, I know that, you know, you're just, you're making no money on this. They're slashing your budget. You're dealing with, you know, David and Miscavich is on the horn every day giving you orders.

But like, you've got to direct a movie better than this, dude. You've just got to do it. You know what? I don't find a way to do that better. You know what this? This dude's movie was immediately before this? What's that? Masterminds.

Oh, yeah. All right. Yes. Patrick Stewart. So this guy can't direct the movie. That's a pretty good movie. Pretty good movie. It's way better than this, though.

Oh, for sure. But it's still the lighting. The lighting is bad in that movie, too. This guy loved bad lighting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's easier to do like golf carts and shit that it is to do fucking planet cyclone these fucking trillions.

there's a bunch of like you know shockingly there's a bunch of different information out there about this but one of the things apparently this dude said about the Dutch angles and shit was that he wanted this and this is total bullshit he wanted this watching this movie to feel like a comic

book and I was like well not every panel of a comic book is fucking Dutch angles what are you talking about what are you reading a fucking comic book during an earthquake what are you talking about comic books don't always give me headaches So it's like the last assault And like basically

You know The people on the ground They're going to distract them All these people are in fucking fighter jets now And we're piloting them perfectly I need to see at least like One fat guy who's like Oh I wasn't paying attention

And just crashes it Use the phone Oh my God I am I am slightly mystified at the inclusion of fat people in these tribes And that's just because They're eating rats and rodents

Like there's no food to go around You'd be very lean Yeah, it's just It's an interesting choice Maybe these people There's a secret society of people That know about the golden arches Nobody else does

And there's like packets And those chosen by Lord Zinu knew where the golden arches was But they didn't tell anybody Because it was so good Davey Ronnie's getting hungry again Ronnie need nuggy Oh, my God.

Oh, did his story become all about fucking Burger King again or whatever, McDonald's? Hey, Danny, I'm writing a real Whopper in here. Quickly feed him, feed it so he can write more of the sacred texts. This is a spicy chicken of a novel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Here, eat this and go back to writing the sacred texts. You know, Danny, the secret elixir that they have To consume to get off the planet is a shamrock shake. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Make it sound alien if you're going to write shamrock shake. Make it Shia shake. A shamrashog.

It's still a shake. We could sell that. So this assault is happening. We've got a lot of bad explosions. Barry Pepper is doing a lot of, his, like, last act is so ill-defined. Like, I know what Kim Coates is doing. Kim Coates is trying to blow up the dome. I know what fucking rat boy is trying to do.

He's trying to fucking blow up the planet. And, like, Pepper's just kind of running around. He's swinging his hair a lot. Yeah. I've been noticing that. Coates is successful in terms of, well, he's kind of wildly unsuccessful. But then he sees a moment that he could kill himself to do it. So he takes a bazook out and shoots all these, like, fucking fireworks he had in his fucking transport to blow up the dome.

That's what's pretty spectacular is, like, He tries to ram his jet into this dome. He only kind of cracks it through a little bit, but it doesn't go. And then magically, in the cockpit of this tiny fighter jet, he pulls out this huge rocket launcher. And he said, he's had this thing. He's had a little catchphrase, piece of cake. And he's like, piece of cake.

And then he kills himself. How do you even know what cake is? They eat rats and they know what cake is. That's what I don't understand. to it's been a thousand years man you're keeping up slang like it's a piece of cake and like that's why i think it's been 20 years and i mean on top of everything else they call it pop well you're up you're north dude this yeah i mean this this this movie takes place in the central u.s so at this point travolta shows up and i was after being gone for a really long time

that's my gripe about this third act it's travolta list for like 20 minutes i also was like oh did i miss the part where forest wooder got killed like i literally thought that he was dead off screen. Yeah. And so, like, now we're fighting, Tim and Travolta. We're fighting, fighting, fighting. Barry Pepper puts the arm bracelet, the neck, one of the, I guess there was, by the way, if you're doing exploding collars, everybody gets exploding colors. What is he fucking expensive?

Like, there's only, like, three. Yeah, I don't get it. He took them off that job. They were manufacturing, exploding necklaces. Got it. No, so he puts it around Travolta's arm, and he's like, hey, don't you want to kill him? my girlfriend is he good idea man animal rat brain

and he blows his own arm off and again this thing just sort of happens this arm just falls off like you're watching a bad Monty Python sketch the green knight oh yeah the black night and it is a good Monty Python's a great one yeah but it's just like ow yeah he's just like a bad version of a good

money by that I'm not even sure if he does the ow I think he just goes ha ha again he he casually looks at it like you'd look to be like did a bird just shit on my shoulder like his arm

blew up and also come on just the arm like it's in a back pocket of his or something on his jacket like there's not more

of a chunk of Travolta not even wet yeah yeah exactly it's not even a fucking you throw some fucking Kool-Aid on it oh you're speaking of really stupid violence

in this movie when in Travolta and Forrest Whitaker's penultimate scene Oh right When we're like The buyer

Your bartender friend And like to punish him Travolta shoots Forrest Whitaker's handoff And it just disappears And it's just like Bunk what? That's what those guns

They fucking make those things do Whatever Right because there's parts Where you see it And they like blow out a dude's chest But a lot of the time It's just like Whoa

Like it goes into them And stuns them First time in the mall It's like a sonic boom But the guy fucking lifts off. You'd think you could just settle on the one thing that these guns do or at least have a thing where it's like turn it to the whatever's setting. Like turning this gun to vaporize now.

And then the rat kid goes and he... Whose name is Mickey, by the way, which is funny. Mickey Mouse. Mickey Rat Kid. Yeah. And he blows up the other planet. And this thing just kind of goes up. The entire planet.

lights up. The entire planet. And there's like a bunch of reinforcements from Cyclone that I guess are about to transport down to Earth. So then it just wipes out all of them, wipes out the entire planet to the point where within seconds, we can't even find remnants of this planet. We see space empty. Yep. It just blows up more efficiently. You want chunks is what you're saying. I want a little I want a little debris. Asteroids. Yeah. And then they'll never get. Chunks. You know, Eric, that was after the ratings at the end. It was just the black screen.

It was over. It's like a million cyclos cried out in the end. Hey, Davey, I'm done watching Star Wars. Want to put on Empire Strikes Back? Don't mind about that bee in the bathroom. I'm actually, I think it's a wasp. So, and that's like kind of the end of the movie. John Travolta is in a case.

inside fortnott oh man is that dumb and we're like force whittaker shows up and he's like well you're finally you finally got all the gold you wanted and they're like oh wait you're a good guy's like yes I'm a good guy now goodbye movie they made me tight top I'm sorry they made me top cyclone head cycle there's two left and I mean I know you you hated John Travolta totally want to fuck him over do you want to perform mass genocide on your own people? Like anyone you've ever

known... You had five wives you've talked about in this film. But he was pumped to get rid of them though and exchanged them for new ones. I know, but now he's got none at all. No chance. Now he's just fucking masturbating nonstop. Maybe Bookend has a

fucking sister, like theme. They're all dead. Kelly Preston's dead. That beautiful tongue is gone. So sad. And like Barry Pemberb. was like, yeah, man, you're going to be in there for the rest of your life because it's possible. And this is like a total sequel set. I was like,

if there's any other cyclos that come around looking for us, we're going to use you as leverage. And it's like, okay. Yeah, because then it's like, it's proof that his greed is what destroyed the home planet and not the human, you know. God, I mean, I still think if Cyclos come to Earth, they're like, yeah, we're going to fucking destroy this plan. Nine minutes. Remember you fucking told me nine minutes. Yeah, goals. One. One. leverage to freedom first you get the sugar then you get the women then you get the leverage well because the last moment and you think this movie is you know it starts with man as a extent like maybe the last shot is like yeah him and uh berry pepper and this woman maybe they have a child together we see like

sure sure society no it's literally the last line is for us but he'd be like well you always wanted gold enjoy it and then general and then credits and it's like What? It fades out on like this wide shot of John Travolta in Fort Knox. What? You got to get ready for Battlefield Mars. It's just going to happen. You know, it's happening.

And, you know, one of the most fitting things, I think, for this movie, I watched it all the way through the credits, just like kind of left Netflix on. Oh, how did you do that? Did you have to fucking dismantle your Netflix? Because Netflix wanted to show me a trailer of something I could never ever want to do. It was some bullshit thing that was starting. Starting in 17 seconds. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

What the fuck? You know what, Netflix? Pretend I'm not a stupid baby. Let me watch these credits. Everyone's trying to do this now. Like, all the other TV networks are now, like, having their QC people who have to watch the feature, time out when the credits are so they can instantly cut to a trailer or some other fucking thing.

It's fucking criminal. The idea of audience retention is bullshit. I can really, I could enjoy and see who fucking worked on this movie. Maybe I'll see the stinger scene or whatever the fuck. No, no, no, but you know what? You'll, you'd like a fucking preview for whatever the fucking stuff. You know what, Steve, fuck you. Umbrella Academy's coming up in 17 seconds.

Exactly. You better fucking like it because you're going to sit there all fucking day, you piece of fat shit. And you're going to watch every fucking thing we've put out. That's the way these companies act. I just like to put it on Netflix and whatever happens happens, man. Whoa! I didn't mean to binge watch that, but I did.

Netflix? I watch Netflix cover to cover, man. Just end to end. I'm stupid. To be fair, even the best boy wanted to use a different name on this movie in the credits. We can't all be Alan Smithy. It's going to look weird. Alan Smithy the 18th. Apparently one of the screenwriters wanted his, he wanted to try to use it,

Island Smithy or a fake name or something. and because of like WGA rules he couldn't do it and then he was like fine fuck it take my name out of the movie and their agent was like that's kind of a bad idea I don't know agent I don't know I'd rather just knock at the credit

it's fine but these credits by the way it's sort of indicative of the entire movie these are some of the cheapest shittiest credits it's this horrendous green font it just looks flat the fonts this fucking fat letter font You know, the music reminded me of, actually,

because there's no popular music whatsoever. Like, that would be a fun thing, right? If we're discovering stuff, maybe we, oh, wow, a CD player or something. Oh, look, Cold Chamber. Wait, what's this? The next track is placebo? This is a mixtape, guys. But.

What is a mud vein? I would like it if it was like, no, but it reminded me of a Jason X a bit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that. It's like pseudo-triumphant military score. While your AOL instant messenger profile is fucking scrolling down. Yes, it's so bad.

And I was like, that's the movie in a nutshell. Is this fucking credit scroll? I'm writing my away message for AIM right now. Yes, I'm going to use lyrics from taking back Sunday. They'll know how emotional I'm getting. Put it up. We're going to McDonald's. Oh, fuck, man.

That's the end of this horrid movie. Would anybody recommend it? Coming up next on Headgum, we've got a lot of exciting stuff because you can't fucking listen to the end of the show. It's going to auto play. Fuck you. Exactly. That sounds like it's you're like, oh, I want to see what the end of the...

Oh, no, I don't. I can't. Yep. Sorry. Continue. No, you continue. Would you recommend the movie? No, no.

Even as a... I guess... This is my second time through. It's just under two hours. Like 158 or something? I don't think it's worth it. I don't think it's worth the ride. It is, like, read about this movie,

watch the trailer, maybe watch like four minutes of Travolta's performance. There is no reason to watch this end to end. I do think it's worth the ride. I think it is that, there are so many wrong and bad decisions that were made in this movie that I was just stunned by watching.

Yeah. I can't really, and I should. I mean, it's good that you're all here. I wanted to start my own petition to get the rats removed from Battlefield Earth because I think it's really stupid and it really weakens the movie.

What should they be replaced with? Smaller cows. Yeah, maybe. Wachie-talkies. Little cows or walkie-talkies would be good. Take that part out where Travolta calls Barry Pepper penis brev. Did that happen?

No, it's also E.T. Oh, right. right right right that movie wow yeah got put back for the blue ray though oh good spielberg knew it was i was like you know what george i tried your shit it sucked yeah yeah well you know they uh they it turns out they had the technology to say penis breath at the time but um okay so i would i'm kind of leaning chris with this that this movie while being reprehensible and hard to watch actively challenge it is kind of a watch it because it's like this is every single thing done wrong

for your enjoyment so it's a light recommend kind right um i'm in camp sadag here i'm spending the summer at camp say dad dude uh this is scam that is this is abhorrent like it's so incompetent and like i feel like what you know like whatever you've heard about this movie in the last almost 20 years since it was released. That's more than you ever need to know about the movie. And if you want an example of Travolta, Travolta shitting the bed, just watch that taking of Pelham, one, two, three remake. That movie is fucking horrendous.

Keep an eye on the last five years of his career. When is that Fred fucking Durst movie coming out? God damn it. I don't know, dude. When he's got that bowl cut? Right. He's like playing like a celebrity stalker. Yeah.

It's directed by friend. Yeah, sorry, he's directed by Fred. up playing Freddress. That would be fucking awesome. Could you imagine? Lip biscuit rock in this set like Russian roulette. It's kind of the same voice. It's kind of the same voice.

That is Battlefield Earth from the year 2000. Directed by Roger Christian. If you want more We Hate Movies, head on over to patreon.com slash we hate movies. We've got a bonus episode up on Lara Croft, colon, Tomb Raider. Oh, yeah. Big one. You don't want to miss out on that episode. It was a ton of fun.

way more fun than this. Yeah, you don't want that guy. Big time. It was the most fun I've ever had in my life, so you really... Wow! You should actually listen to it and donate to the Patreon.

Does your wife listen to the show? Patreon.com slash we hate movies. She gave up a while. I would say the most fun I've ever had was... Because my wife also gave up a while ago. No, is the Gleep Glossary this month, where Subboa was available.

That's right. He was finally available. got some time in his schedule. Yeah, it's like almost 40 minutes of us going through the mythos of Sabalba and his grandchildren. Yeah, who knew? You knew you'd find yourself with this station in life. Animation damnation. We've got Striporella coming up. Oh, shudder. We've also got the Nexus, a very special one with some TNG and some DS9, motherfucker. That is right, because this is, of course, Listen to Request Month here on We Hate Movies. So thanks again to Nekoma from Minnesota for getting us to finally

talk about Battlefield Earth. Oi. And this brings us to one final Listen to Request Month episode next week, Steve Sadek. What that be? I almost said coal chamber because you had that in my fucking brain.

It is Chill Factor. Right, of course. Not Fear Factor either. That's not part of it. Not the show Fear Factor. Chill Factor open for the deaf tones. It's a whole different kind of. Fear Factor was bad. Fear Factor was bad. Chill Factor is a Cuba Gooding Jr.

and Skeet Ulrich co-production. That sounds bad too. Yeah, oh, it's terrible. Yeah, no, fucking figure that out, man. And we try to to the best of our abilities next week on We Hate Movies with Chill Factor. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddack. Chris Cabin.

Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.