We Hate Movies - S9 Ep412: Episode 412 - Chill Factor

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Listener Request Month comes to an end as the gang chats about a 90's action film that "borrows" from about 3 or 4 other 90's action films—it's Chill Factor! Who thought these two were a good pair? Why ditch the ice cream truck halfway through the film? And how did this disgraced army colonel go to prison a loser and come out a savvy, euro-trash, cyber terrorist? PLUS: What if Marty and Doc didn't get to travel through time? Chill Factor stars Cuba Gooding Jr., Skeet Ulrich, Peter Firth, David Paymer, and Kevin J. O'Connor; directed by, yes, Hugh Johnson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on We Hate Movies. It's a film ripe for flushing. It's Chill Factor. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sannack. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, this is a comedy podcast where we make fun of movies, good, bad, and otherwise. This week. It's the final episode of the 2019 listener request month with Chill Factor from 1999, directed by I'm not kidding you, a guy named Hugh Johnson. Let's just come on, but come on, but come on. This was requested by Charlie from L.A. Let's listen to him real quick. Hey, guys, this is Charlie from L.A.

I'm calling in to request Chill Factor from 1999, starring Pete Ulrich, Huba Gooding Jr., Peter Firth, and David Pamer. If speed was diehard on a bus, then Chill Factor is speed in an ice cream truck. enjoy guys i'll take my episode off the air uh yeah Hugh Johnson everybody it's a Bart Simpson phone call directed this movie Penn 15 passed he couldn't do it that's a show on Netflix or something everybody's talking about Hulu I think it's Hulu yeah it's really good

it's really really good about that uh well to counter that because I don't watch it we just started watching Russian doll fucking awesome awesome highly recommend you know who Hugh Johnson is uh married to Who? Anita Bath. Yeah. I got an Anita bath here.

You Johnson. I mean, it's a Spencer Hepburn type thing. Yes. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Well, he's... Can you imagine those on a poster? Come on.

I'd like to thank my wife Anita for this Academy Award. Anita who? Anita Bath. Yeah. Academy Awards. God damn it, Anita. Why couldn't you? Just take my name.

I need a bath Johnson. No, I need a Johnson's almost even worse. Oh, that's true. Oh, you want a Johnson? I'll give it to you. Who invited that? That's why she did not change. This is a fictional person.

This is one of those, and thank you for nothing, Charlie. This is what it's all put on a magician hats and pull a rabbit out of a piece of shit. Because like what's even happening here? This is really so not even a movie. movie like if you if you know this is a movie it's just like so sparse with entertainment it's just you know what this is like if you adapted a bunch of tumbling tumbleweeds into a movie this is tumbling tumbleweeds the motion picture it's just such a choppy blend of such obvious other products right yeah like in the 90s you saw that more where like there wasn't even any

blending nobody was working to even like yes suss it out there yeah parts just happening just like fucking Frankenstein it. Yeah, this is like oh god, the Ballad of Buster Scruggs but instead of different little books or different little stories, it's just different movies.

The page turns and then we have a whole new movie. By the way, pretty recent movies. Yes, yeah. Come on. Like the first 30 minutes is The Rock, just pure and plain and simple. Yep.

So what is, I mean, this movie is, it's Skeed Ulrich and Kubigigan Jr. come to find a biological weapon that they have to get some place but they have to keep it cold and that's kind of the movie that's the movie and so you have like Kevin said the part with the rock

that's like the biological weapon the opening of this is very much the opening of the rock where the thing goes haywire and you can see what it does yeah well I guess technically the official official opening of the rock is Sean Connery breaking out of jail

but after that when you see how the shit goes down that's what this is when does Sean Connery break no I think that's no don't you see thing you see is Ed Harris. Is it? Yeah. I thought it was a thing

where you see what he did to get out of jail. Am I remembering that wrong? No, no, no, no. There's no young Sean Connery on that. Oh, I could have sworn there was. Maybe is there's a director's cut? No.

Possibly, but no, I just recently, I rewatched it because my wife had never seen it. Nice. And it starts with, it's all Ed Harris. Is it okay? I just for some reason remember it was starting with him.

It's the same thing, except for an actor I don't know and do not give a fuck about. David Pamer? No, no, no, the general guy. Oh, dude, what are we? Listen, this is the thing where I think... What the fuck is this guy's name?

Something Firth. Hold on, first of all, I'm now imagining Chris and his wife are... They're getting ready. They have to go to a family event. It's, you know, let's call it a funeral. They're going to, they're getting rid of people. They're all in black. And then, like, Chris's like, oh, man, this is like that part in the rock when Ed Harris visits his wife's grave.

And she's like, oh, you know, I never saw the rock. that's it no stop it we're not going anywhere today funeral will not have us in attendance look i've matured a little bit steve you brought it on DVDs or you can watch it the fucking limo yeah i'm not a screamer no uh but no but this guy peterforth peterforth i mean like he's no i'm sure he's a fine and nice enough guy he's english as the day is long by the way i've seen him in some other stuff you may know him uh he's he plays a russian in the hunt for radnock that I did remember you could get like I mean like get somebody would be great like that would be really nice because he's so much of this movie yeah even honestly nothing flip it give it to David Pamer make that make the other guy the scientist yeah now you got David Pamer calling the shots that's something general David Pamer yeah actually yeah but it's it's horrible I think it was the thing when they were when they were casting this movie I think everybody was on vacation yeah Or passed.

I mean, there's probably a bunch of people passed. So the thing is, they're like doing a one last minute test on this private military island. Yes. Where David Pamer wants to try one more time. His pal is Kevin J. O'Connor

from There Will Be Blood and the Master, the brother from there will be blood. Yeah, he's, and this was his early 90s, his 90s career was like comedy's action movies. Like, he was always the other guy in comedies and action movies. It's good.

got a lot of presents. I was kind of sad that he fucking dies. Oh, but he's dead. Oh my God. No, he's not. No, but you know who Kevin J. O'Connor is? I totally forgot about this until I looked at IMDB right now. Fucking Igor and Van Helsing. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

He's kind of like 0.75 Tom Newman. Tom Noonan. Yes. He's just a little bit shorter and just a little bit less of the gravitas. They have very much the same face. He was, he never gave like, he never got a role like Manhunter. no exactly um but so david pamer wants to do one more one last uh test of this poisonous fucking shit bomb chris cabin could you quickly remind the audience the hip name that he gave to this chemical weapon elvis oh elvis i kill people fucking faber one for the money two for your face melting off that actually happens by the

way. It's so good at the end. Put on my skin melting shoes. I just, the Elvis thing, dude, like, don't do it. It's just so they can go back and forth telling you whether or not Elvis has left

the fucking building. And I can't keep my nose from falling off. Yeah, I don't know. Blue Hawaii. It's bad. Yeah, all the hits. We can do.

Ain't nothing but a face smell Dying all the time There you go Now we're thinking Now we're doing it The sun stuff But like yeah Like so this

The island is closing forever It's like this black site island They were testing Either just this chemical weapon Or a bunch of chemical weapons Well they got to get out of there Because Jurassic Park's moving in Yeah yeah

As we're told by the way After the fact This prologue takes place in 1987 Yes which is kind of like It's a lot Yeah I was expecting more fashion flair in the military, I guess. The only way you can really tell that it's

1987 after the fact, if you think back to all those computer printouts that one guy's getting, that's a dot matrix printer. That's what he's... And well, also, girls just want to have fun as playing in the background. That is all they want. What I don't understand about this is the guy, Kevin J. O'Connor,

is running around with these military guys and he says to this colonel, he's like, hey, why aren't these guys... Or no, the colonel says to this other dude this other grunt. He's like, hey, why aren't the guys wearing their protective whatever's?

And he's like, oh, Sergeant, it's fucking hot out here or whatever. They'll put it on later. When you see what this weapon does, that's fucking flackjacket. It doesn't matter? No. It would do what? Paper, torn up. But it's also like this thing, it reminded me

what I used to work in a gym. And we were closing for at 11 o'clock. There was always some guy on a treadmill. Like, hey, man, I just got to give me five more minutes. And I'm like, no, man, I'm going to go home. Yeah. It's like that, but instead it's testing deadly biological way.

Yes. It's almost the exact same scenario. Almost in every other aspect that's the exact same thing. This general is like, he's like tapping his watch. Well, also it's suggested, like, from what's been shown here, the failed previous things have done no damage. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Like, at all.

Everybody's fine. So I'm like, okay, so this was just a notch or two. away from complete destruction of every living thing on this fucking island. Yep. Okay. Funny stuff. Zillie's like, Pamer's like, no, this morning I had a dream

and I realized if I do this molecule that way, it'll change everything and it'll finally work. And then he really, and I mean, I feel bad for this major character. I think the major is kind of the hero of the movie in some ways. Right. Because he's like, that's just because you hate

sked d'ork. He winds up, like, coming up, you know, he's like, hey, look, you know, we're going to close this island down, da-da-da-da-da, these are my orders, da-da-da, we're done, this thing was a failure, and he's like, no general, you're a failure. That's why you're babysitting this nonsense, because you're a piece of shit, your mom is ugly, and it's like, whoa, whoa, where did all this come from, David Pamer? I think this is the feistyest David Pamer's ever gotten in the film. Yes. He really gets in this dude's face, and this dude could really kick his ass. And doesn't. He always, he's, he's, he's a nice spice.

He's like, get shorty. He's fantastic. I love David Palmer. You work for me. Yeah. All this kind of shit. It's really dresses this dude down. And he really, like the, he buckles too.

And he's like, fine, one more test. We're out of here at midnight or whatever the fuck he says. Yeah. And so the thing goes off. And he's like, oh, we're, this is what I didn't understand. He's like, all right, I got to wait for these two more computer calculations to come in. And they're like, all right, cool. but then like this weapon goes off

or it's about to go off or something because he's like oh this thing says when it gets to whatever and I was like well why is it turned on well the thing is it's like okay so it's it what they're saying is like oh it should have a radius of

the blast radius should be like it's like 200 yards yeah so he's like all right make sure he 200 yards away they give it to Kevin J. O'Connor he drops it in he says Elvis has left the building I love

what he does to activate this Kevin J. O'Connor, he opens these they're like two tubes of bath bubbles and he just dumps it into you don't even see and it's so fucking cheap this movie and but then this guy gets this readout and he's like oh did I say 200

yards? Did I say 200 yards? I meant like five miles like the whole island. Yeah. And into the sea which guess what? That's going to have effects too. Yeah. Oh yeah. Not to tell you anything. Yeah we don't get part, the water contamination of all of this. So Kevin J. O'Connor

is like waiting. He's smoking a joint, by the way. Good for him. Well, he, see, Kevin J. O'Connor, what for doing drugs? Yes. Yeah. Kevin J. O'Connor is the kind of scientist. I would love to be in a movie. You're wearing a fun shirt. You're smoking weed. You're

probably listening to the rock and roll while you do your calculations. And definitely somewhere in the middle of the movie or earlier you have a horrible death. Oh, that's what I, yeah. That's, that's, that's, my dream too i mean like i think that would be my backup for podcasting would be like scientist assistant who gets lunch and calls everybody dr d or dr g honestly i throw a lot of docs a lot of docs definitely a lot of docs you you fail at hitting on a woman who's also in the department absolutely my hair is

long and stringy which is what you want you're somehow still like you're in this you're in this program but you're also somehow writing a different dissertation and cool version of this exact character trope, Samuel L. Jackson and Jurassic Park. Yes. Kind of the same thing. Yes, kind of the same thing. So this thing goes off and Kevin J. O'Connor's driving this little

Jeep, I guess, 30 miles an hour as this fucking blast cloud is coming. These dudes all start melting and I couldn't tell what was going on here. Is it like a because this is called Chill Factor for like the keeping a cool thing but also it looked like they were

getting severe frostbite but then melting? Well, they don't tell you what this thing is. No. The rock does that. The rock is like, it's this new kind of gas that does this, that, and the other thing. It's like sarin gas, but worse, or whatever the hell the phrase is. Times a thousand. And they give you some

kind of visual aid in the beginning, with that chamber scene when Nicholas Cage has to like disarm the baby thing. The baby bomb. But this doesn't do that. It's just sort of like, it's bad. Yeah. And like stuff happens. And then, well, no, because Kevin

it's like it's mind-boggling because it's the same exact shot of like when david morris is looking back at the window of the guy melting inside it's the exact same shot of looking at kevin joe o'connor like please let me in please let me in when david fam is like fuck it well speaking to eager he turns into eager immediately wow it's something else dude he looks like jason vorhees at the end of part one he jumps out the lake at the end i'm thinking he's looking a little jason takes manhattanish a little bit oh totally Robocop. Oh, did you see this? Yes, Robocop. Toxic bath, Robocop. You see this Southern singer that dressed up like a lizard? Let's say what?

This country singer who's like a lizard in this new video? He's not a country singer. Oh, MacDamarko. Yes. MacDamarko dressed up as a lizard person for a video.

Oh, MacDamarko's great. What are you talking about? I never listened to him. I love MacDumach. I got to get on it. But then here's him as a lizard. He's great. It looks a little bit like...

You're saying it looks like Kevin J. O'Connor. Yeah. Oh, that's unfair, but yes. I mean, you're correct, but I wouldn't say that to him. Well, not to anybody out loud. The combination of that face with the cowboy hat just reminds me, it like gives me the vibe of Dennis, oh, fucking kill me. Dennis Hopper in Mario Brothers.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It also looks like a fucking mask reboot. Yes, actually. So all this to say you think that Mac DeMarco in that video looks like Kevin Joe. I see. And as I could see that. We're just trying to eat up the clock here.

Well, it's chill factor. There's nothing to talk about. But the weird thing is of, so this thing goes wrong. And like, David Pamer knows he's effectively killed everyone on the island. And I would, I would drop this dude so fast if I'm this general because he goes, my God, I have become death. Destroyer of Worlds. And I would have been like, dude, break his neck. Yeah, exactly.

You just killed 20 people, all of which I know. And you're fucking sheathed poetry in my face. Yeah. Bullshit, bad poetry? That's like the thing a scientist does when they fuck up and, like, kind of feel guilty for it, but not really. And that's what David Pamer is doing right here. He's got a death boner. He's like, oh, shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it works. Oh, it works. He should have broke his neck. I mean, there's just no two ways about it. So we cut to some sort of an. arraignment. Oh, right. And this, this, you know, he's in front of some counsel. And they're just like, yeah, you're going to do 10 years at Leavenworth. You're going to strip to your rank. You won't get any pay ever again. Your life is ruined. And David Pamer is there. And he's like, oh, jeez. I wish I wouldn't let me speak. It's like one of those things like somebody gets fired at your job. Oh, man, that's just this place. You know, this place. I got a, I got a, I got a mind to get out of here too, dude. Yeah. You know what? You're getting out. at the right time. You know what?

This place sucks anyway. I'm going to, you know, I was thinking about quitting a protest. I almost, I almost did. Hey, I wrote a letter. I signed my name to that letter. I was this close to starting a petition to save your job. I have the phone number. I haven't called

them yet, but I have the phone number and I'm prepared to call them. How about that? Oh, yeah, these guys. Anyways, enjoy 10 years in prison for the murders that I committed. Sure. And by the way, it was entirely my fault. Entirely. This dude had nothing to do with it. Like, yeah, I mean, like, he should have been the stern general in charge and said, no, you're not doing anything. But he's outranked. Like, it's a fucking thing.

Like, it's ridiculous. Well, as the, this dude, is he a general, I guess? Whatever. I think he's a major at this time. So what he says to David Pamer, though, he's like, I have to take the fall because somebody has to, and they still need you to keep doing your science stuff. I'm just this lowly dude now who doesn't matter. So that's why I got fired. I am not going to the Christmas party. That's it. I'm just not going to go. It won't be

the same without you anyway. And now it's bullshit. I can't look at these jokers in the face. With you here, this was fun. Now it's just a job. I'm going to come in. I'm going to do my work and I'm going to leave. You know what I got? I got Connie's private email. And I'm going to send it to that.

I'm going to see-c- everybody so they know what's wrong with this company well I'm not gonna see you Rick because obviously I need to not get in his way but I mean everybody else but Rick that guy does suck though privately between you and me that guy sucks

don't tell anybody fuck him right up but no so he goes it's kind of hilarious they show him go in they show him go into his cell the door closes and the door opens and it's 10 years later it's like this really inept way to pass time.

It's so bad. And apparently he's become a terrorist. This is amazing. He goes into jail a stupid loser and he comes out of fucking Euro-Cyberterrorist. And in reality, he would just become a Fox News pundit. The scientist from the military wronged me? Yeah.

Are you kidding me? Oh, he will go on television to fucking deny climate change. Sean Hannity. Every fucking week. man that guy's dumber than a barrel of whale shit that guy needs some morons to talk to this guy would be right he would fit right in prime prime shit man fat meat hand out work out oh man and he's stern like look at that yeah yeah the thing is i never thought i would ask myself this question but where the fuck is skeet ulrich at this point yep in my house i had to utter the words where

are is skeet ulrich and what's crazy is it's a it's a domino effect of asking where people are yeah because you ask where skeet alrick is and then there's so much with skeed o'clock you're like wait a second where the fuck is cooper gooding junior two one of two people in this main cast won an academy award and it's not fucking skeed all right the tape cover was in skeet allrick and david paymer running through the woods it was fucking cuba good and junior yep and skeet all right Rick running through the fucking woods. This is amazing. It's so inept this movie. Although I know we have

our Legion, go make the David Paymer Skiy at Ulrich, if you want to. What would that movie be called? Chums. There are two dudes who are on a fishing boat, so there's a pun there. Oh, yeah. And they accidentally see

I don't know, government boat, kill a bunch of refugees on another boat. It sounds like something government boat would do. But it's funny. Maybe something more like the river wild. Oh, oh, so you'll get a little more serious. Okay. Yeah, I can see that. David Pamer

is a crooked Eagle Scout leader. Ew. No, not crooked sexually. No, no, no. Like, he's taking the kids down the river, but he also knows there's like something that he's going to rob or gold in them. Yes.

Yeah, there's gold by this riverbed. kind of a thing. Absolutely. And then Ski-Dolrick is like a put-upon dad who's got to go on the trip with his wife's son. So he's old. He's like an eagle scout in high school. So he's closer to age to Ski-D. You're not my dad, Jeff. So we're doing like a sandlot situation. I like this movie. Or man at the house seemed like a little bit. The Chevy Chase JT.D. I can see that. Scouts. The movie would be called Scouts. Yeah. Just scouts. Just a bunch of scouts. Skeed Ulrich throws a knife into David Pamer's throat at the end of the movie. But speaking of them being weird buddies, like, what is this relationship they have? Oh, the fishing? So that's it. Like, he comes out and then, like, some, like, there's, like, he meets up with this gang of terrorists.

How the fuck did he find these hackers? I know. They're all waiting. They're all, like, cleaning guns and, like, getting their loud computer noise. And, like, he comes in, he's like, it's like, it's time. And I'm like, what? You didn't show me him fucking writing letters to anybody. You didn't show him at a computer console or anything.

And the problem is the, what do you call it there, the prologue, such as it is so long that since you don't show him exhibit any of these skills, it's out of nowhere. Like, if he was just in one, like, half a scene or there was no prologue at all, I would just be like, oh, this guy's the best of the best. And he's not as morally defined as Ed Harris is. Like Ed Harris has very strict morals that he compromises constantly, but that actually ends in ruin. Where this one, he's just like, I kind of want to maybe do something with this thing that could kill a bunch of people. It's like more about the money and fuck the government, but also like later in the movie, he's kind of a hero because he's like, they're like, oh yeah, you were such a low level major because you spoke out about atrocities in Vietnam and that was a big problem. Oh, right. And he's like, yeah, I know.

a long time ago, you guys. But they don't even really tell you what he's planning to do with the fucking thing until the end of the fucking movie. He wants the money. It's not even like you, at first you're like maybe he's just gonna set it off. Oh, no, no, yeah.

So he wants an auction and blah, blah, blah. But yeah, the auction thing, you don't know that until fucking like 20 minutes before the movie's over. And when we get to it, this auction is both stupid and hilarious. Yeah. So we get to Skeed Ulrich and David Paymer,

they're fucking fishing together. They're fly fishing buddies. Keep in mind the fly fishing because this comes back for no reason. I was like, is it father and son? Because it's like very, like their relationship is completely non-defined. Listen, if I'm like 20 whatever, I'm 30 whatever, Skid Ulrich, and I'm fishing with an older man, that older man better be my dad or my boyfriend. I mean, that's where I was going.

Skeed Ulrich is his pot dealer. That makes a lot of sense. There you go. He's a hip scientist. doing a lot of calculations he needs to fucking turn his brain off wearing one of those pearl jam bandanas man

don't be fucking playing with me I know what the fuck this is that's true and he is like just he winds up just being the like the grease cook and this little fish and shack

well because he has a fucking hilariously not in this movie backstory also we'll get to so Mason it seems like you know you're you know I get really anxious sometimes, Mason, and it would be really cool if I knew someone that could get me something

that made me less anxious as a scientist. You know, Mason, sometimes I like to spend Saturdays sitting at home watching cartoons and eating cereal. If there was only something that would keep me stuck to the couch, Mason. And I can tell that I could help you buy some more bandanas that you might like. How much cash you got, oh man. And because they're like, because he's like, hey, Doc. And it's also kind of, he keeps calling him Doc. He's like, hey, Doc, how are you so good at fly fishing or whatever? And it's like, well, actually, here's some really drawn out metaphor about what fishing is. Oh, man. Life and death and all this or shit. But it's kind of Marty and Doc, like, if the time travel thing didn't work out. Yep. Yeah.

This is them exactly 10 years later. I'm going to retire. We're just going to go fishing. You can come or not, Marty. It's a real shame you failed at a high school, Marty. Probably should have spent less time with me. Anyway, want to go fishing? By the way, here's this boilerplate wisdom

that you've heard 100,000 times before. Hey, Marty, I pulled this off an inspirational poster about fishing. You know, Doc, you are so full of. It's been 15 fucking years. full of shit, man. That was just a fucking DeLorean. There was a DeLorean with batteries on top of it.

There was a happy turtle on the poster I took it from. You ruined me. Well, it sounds like you lost out on that bet, pal. Ever since Einstein's funeral, no one's been right. We set shiva for Aini.

I didn't tell you to break up with Jennifer Parker. I just said, think about it. I just said you can do better You're a young man Listen I went through life Only knowing the love of one woman I didn't want the same to happen to you Look me in the eyes

I'm not your fucking father Get the fuck out This is kind of a great one-act play It's like I'm on a fishing trip And it all fucking finally spills out Yep oh yeah And it's just called The Future

Oh no you know what it is Because he, it's, you know, you go on this fishing trip, it's Doc and Marty, et cetera, et cetera. And, you know, it's tense. But then when, he's like, hey, Marty, could you get my pills out of my bag? He goes and gets it, and he finds a will where he leaves everything to Dave. Oh, my God. And then he's like, I've been footed up with your shit for years. That's right.

Dave McFly, my first love, died in a terrible train accident. I'll never forget myself He's not even giving it to him He's setting up a trust in his name The Dave McFly Trust Also known as the Berger King Kids Club It's like the Suzanne Fund From Seinfeld

Yeah oh yeah Oh that's awesome That's a that That stage play Adapted for the screen Better movie than Chill Factor Doc's last tape maybe Oh yeah. Yeah, but you don't

have anybody else in it. No, that's true. One man, Christopher Loy play. Oh, he's just talking like at the idea of Marty. He just got a tape recorder on the fucking thing. Oh, fuck. But so no, none of that's true.

But so they're buddies and they go back to Darlein's fishing whatever. It's like just your classic fishing. It's like a general store that you There's a lunch counter. Yeah, you can get eggs, but they're not good.

You can definitely get coffee and by tackle and so on and so forth. Exactly. Live bait is right next to the coffee grinds. White toast only. Oh, you better believe it's a Wonderbread outfit. So, I also, by the way, don't know what time it is right here. Great question. Because we're going fishing, but then, and it appears to just be like in the middle of the day.

And then we go to. Darlene's bait and tackle and eat something. I imagine he gave him, he just put his ounce in his tackle box. Oh, definitely. And when he comes back for his fish breakfast, he pays him when he gets his meal. But like, Skeet Ulrich has the fish that they caught right there. And this woman, Darlene, the proprietor of this establishment, she's like getting ready to go to a doctor's appointment. But then also like Skeet Ulrich is working like the graveyard shift.

What fucking time is it screenplay? How, Hugh Johnson, do you fuck this up? It just, I, you've not even been able to tell fucking time in your movie is out. His, his co-writer, Seymour Butts, didn't get it all together. That's a problem. That was Seymour's job. Sorry, Hugh, I was busy working on my screenplay adaptation of Under the Bleachers. Dad jokes.

so whatever the general shows up to the major shows up to darling's lunch counter while skilwork is making like dock some fish yeah and he's like yeah man oh dude you want to gatorator my mouth is parched right now dude hammer uh the major shows up and like David Pamer shit you would shit your you can hear it on the soundtrack dude if you turned it up when David Pabrin turns around and it's like no I would be calling my lawyer directly

after this conversation and be like is my will in order yeah this crazy dude fucking threatened to me David Pamer's got to call the military base

immediately I think is the movie but also be like hey you know you know how thank you so much A for sending that guy up the river and letting me

not suffer any consequences whenever he gets out could you give me a call yeah just like give me a two week head start on whatever this guy gets out well you know what i'm not doing i'm not going to work the next day also this guy's in town are you fucking kidding me because he shows up and he starts threatening him right he's like

well it looks like you've got a wonderful little life here and it's and harrison a history of violence it's the fucking same fucking scene joey joey joey joey those accents are really something i don't know what fucking mafia philadelphia this place is supposed to be william hurt nominated for an Academy Award somehow. I love that movie. So do I, but what are we doing? It's crazy. I mean, it's... So he sits down and he's like, well, you know,

like, he's just giving him shit about being a rotten scientist and he's like, oh, have you guys figured out how to stop or cure what Elvis does? And he's like, well, not exactly. And he's like, you guys are really good at breaking things and not so good at fixing him, which is kind of a good

life. Yeah, oh, yeah. Or it's something about like you can't create something that kills fast enough but like whenever it comes to like doing something good it takes a glacial pace or something like that oh yeah he does say at a glacier's pace and I was like screenplay line

nobody talks like that goodbye but he like leaves and to Chris's point David Pamer's like well I better get off to work like no fucking way I am going to Mexico I am driving glad I apologize to that That guy.

Exactly. I'm driving to the airport, the most public of airports. Get a quick bag from home, you know? Make it snappy, man. Well, I'd have a jump bag if I fucked somebody over this bag. If I fucked over a general, this bad, I got a jump bag ready to go. Because that is like something like fucking like Christopher Hitchens or something would write about, man.

What happened on that fucking island? It's horrible. That's a big story somewhere. Yeah, that's a really good point. You would like to think also that this dude would get more than 10 years. Yeah, you know, like 18, but also years per dude who died. So 180 years in prison. Well, that's the thing, too, is like, they're trying to bury this guy because like, you know, obviously Pamer is at fault, but like they need Pamer for the science. Like, but then bury him then. Like, don't give him 10 years. I mean, like, I mean, it makes sense because he does, the general didn't actually do anything. You know what I mean? Yeah. At the same time, like, if the point is to get this guy out of the picture, then get him out of the picture. Yeah. And, or, like, kill him in prison. I mean, like, you're the U.S. government. You kill people in prison all of the time.

Oh, yeah. For sure, he's done for it. Like, hey, Bruno, we'll shave fucking 10 years off your sentence. Just ax this nerd. Ax this dude who came in here as a little dweeb, but he's been taking a bunch of like hacking and terrorist

classes and working out a lot. Start him for a while, then poison his potatoes. So easy. He winds up going to work. again why um and they follow him to i think that's the idea is they follow him or that or do they know where they're going anyway they know what's up okay can i ask you something sure does this place to you seem like the place where you would house the most deadly thing not at all because

it seems to me more like where you would house a state insurance office yeah listen if you have like this death virus in there? How about something a little more tight on the security front than a wooden slat that goes up and down? The old jittery, like, door handles? There's no, like, number lock on it?

What are we talking about? It's amazing. And it's just, it's just two security guards. Yep. Buck and Jeff. And when Buck goes down, Jeff is really up shit's creek. Yeah. It's a bad one. It's a bad one. It's a sick

throat cut right here. I will give this movie one thing. Pretty awesome kills. Good deaths. Good deaths almost through and through. And this is something you still saw a lot in the 90s where like it was good deaths predicated on pretty okay practical effects. Yes.

We don't have good deaths now. We have a lot of like, ha ha, that computer cartoon got it. Well, may I take you back to a movie that's kind of almost just as good as this? Fled. Yes. Well, it's the same it's the same trope. I never saw it. Which one is that? That's Stephen Baldwin and

Lawrence Fishburn. Oh, yes. Okay. That's another, I saw the VHS cover a lot. From the white guy, black guy on the run. I guess that's also bulletproof. Yeah. Yep. White guy, black guy on the run. Yeah. Yeah. This is what we were doing in the 19th. Everything. Yes. But, um, so they, they, they break in. They cut this dude's throat. Pamer like is just working. And then the general goes up to him again. And now he's got a gun. And I'm like, If I'm this general, I'm not just shooting, I'm not just shooting this guy here. I'm taking him somewhere, cutting his eyebrows off, you know, going, I'm going full-on freaktown, dude. I'm wearing his face.

10 years of my life off this fucking little jerk. If I'm going out like this, man, I got a super villain mask. Exactly. Honestly, I'm doing it. Yep. Also, you know what? He's getting shot in the dick. Yeah.

Starting with the total dick shot. At the very least, I'm walking around with a gas mask on. Just to kind of look a little weird. Spray-painted purple, maybe. Yeah, maybe kind of fun. Like a streak of something. Speaking of gas masks, by the way, where in this movie,

is it at the start when they first put the thing on? Yeah. Like the device or whatever? Somebody puts a gas mask on in this movie and like, it's Kevin J. O'Connor. He like doesn't,

he takes a toke. He does, right? Okay, that's, ooh, yeah. Sick move. That was a good shot, actually. I thought that was a nice shot. He wasn't a tough. He takes a toke and then puts a gas

That's right. And then he exhales through it. Yeah. It's fun. And whatever. So, like, he gets shot. He just shoots him in the stomach and then turns around, like, leaves him for dead. Jesus Christ.

And again, like, I would at least have a monologue going. You know, I would bring. It gets even worse, though, dude, because, like, he gets, he shoots him in the gut. No monologue. They get the thing. And then one of the, like, Tufts notices, like, there's just, like, some blood smear. And he's like, oh, David Pamer got away. to which this dude fucking responds with,

ah, forget about him. What? What are you talking about? That was your primary target. Primary target. Put you away for a decade. Destroyed your life. Destroyed your reputation.

Destroyed your family. Everything. Everything that sucks ass about your life is because of this dude and you just said forget about it. And you're a murderer. I mean, like, if you're just, if you, maybe you found Jesus

and you're like, you know what? I wish that guy well. Great. You're a murderer anyway. So you are totally fucking this guy over. And let's say your primary target isn't that. Let's see your primary target is getting Elvis. Yeah.

You still, like, raid a couple other offices rather than going directly to where Elvis is. Yes, precisely. So you fuck it up twice. And they realize that Elvis has left the building. And, like, David Pamer, I don't know, like, this guy, I mean, like, I wouldn't have gone to work. But this guy is, like, he just, you get shot. The stuff is like, well, okay, I'm going to go get, I'm going to go get Elvis. I'm going to get the car.

He's like, he's dipping out this place. He's in a car like, well, that was really something. Like, out of nowhere. Like, because they're like, where the fuck is Elvis? Like, he's listening to like, good times, bad times, all I had my shit. Bleeding from my stomach. I think that's the thing, though, is he hasn't practiced, like, changing his life, getting a new identity, anything like that. he's like, when this guy inevitably

comes for revenge and to steal this bioweapon, I got a pretty sweet plan as to how to get out of here. He like does drills. It's like the Royal Tenant Pons. All right, Roger, I'm going to be on the floor. What if I get shot in the stomach?

Okay. He's doing that thing again. Why is he wiggling on the floor? No, he got shot in the stomach. Oh, it's shot in the stomach week. Okay. What if he comes up to me and threatens me and then leaves me alone for, like, a day in which I could have very easily have left and gone somewhere else, burned the car, and taken all my luggage and gone somewhere else. So he goes...

So he goes... Marty, I got shot in the gut! Because he goes right back, of course, to his buddy Skeed Ulrich's plays. And again, the classic game in this movie of what the hell time is it. Well, so first things first, we finally get Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. 22 minutes into the film. Just outrageous. Just outrageous.

But this is what I'm talking about, though. David Pamer, when they raid that fucking facility and cut that dude's throat. Yeah. It's clear as day. Yeah. David Pamer leaves and we're told that this whole thing is like in driving distance. When Cuba Gooding Jr. shows up, it is the middle of the night he's making this ice cream delivery. Well, that's another thing that separates him from having as good a character as Ed Harris is

because Ed Harris makes a point of like, I don't want to kill any soldiers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I think they all are like darts when and they like inoculate what he doesn't kill anybody in that person. But he, these guys are the one guy who gets the bulb. But these guys are murdering these soldiers. Because this guy has an extra gram with the US military. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he has no allegiance to the armed forces. Just like the president. So, like, Cubigini Jr. shows up. He has the craziest line right here. Oh, please.

I think. He's unloading all of, like, the diners ice cream truck order. And he has the line, like, he's carrying it. There's a bunch of it, so he's, like, struggling with it or whatever. And he's like, at least somebody likes this shit. And I'm like, at least somebody likes ice cream. One of the greatest inventions known to man. And his whole gag in this movie is like, that ice cream.

tastes like shit. You know how bad ice cream has to be for me to be like, that ice cream tastes like shit? Pretty fucking bad, man. Because you haven't had the one on the bottom, bottom, bottom level that's like two for one dollar. Yeah. You haven't gone to that level.

What is this ice cream company, though? Bucket shit, dude. This is stuff that comes in a bucket. It doesn't come in like a carton. It's not technically ice cream. It's actually cream chum. Oh, dude, fish flavored ice cream. But also this diner or greasy spoon or whatever, I feel like if you go there, you're like, all right, can I get a steak set? We don't have steak.

Can I have, all right, the fried chicken? No, we don't have fried chicken. Order the ice cream. Literally, all we have is eggs, fish, and ice cream. You know, you shouldn't say all that other stuff on the fucking menu if you don't have it. It's like me freaking out about shamrock shakes. It's just eggs and fish and ice cream. That's it. Breakfast, eggs. Lunch, fish. Dessert, ice cream. Or maybe also more fish. Dinner bologna. Oh, yeah. So he shows up and he's like, hey, man, here's your order of ice cream. That's going to be whatever, 400 bucks. And I need it in cash. And he's like, well, we don't do cash. We do invoices.

And like Cuban Junior's like clearly trying to get something over on ski dollarick here. Yeah. And what starts right here? is and again we've already said this movie is also borrowing from the white guy

black guy on the run movie and one of those things that these kind of movies always has if it's successful and I'm thinking right now

of probably one of the best of these die hard with a vengeance sure good rapport between the two actors because the banter that inevitably comes

out of the screenplay is constant and throughout and the two of them Oh, talk about a chill factor. It's a douche chill factor, man. Damon Waynes and Adam Sandler are much better at this. Yes.

Much, much better at this. Absolutely. Can I tell you when would have been a good time for you to sell your skewed Ulrich stock? When people were doing that the thing for Jericho, we tried to get that back on the air. Immediately after Scream. That's right. It would have been like early January the next year. You know, that Ski and Ulrich's going to be, like, that's when you sell.

You buy it right when Screams, and, like, you know, it's, it would be great to buy it before Scream, but you're buying it at scream prices, which are pretty high. Right. But it's going up because we're like, you know what, this guy's going to be the next. This is in Facebook. Give it up. Let go of it. Because, holy shit, does this guy suck? I'm sorry, I'm sure he's a very nice person.

Oh, he seems like a very nice guy. I've only liked him in one other movie other than Scream And that is Paul Schrader's touch Oh, I never saw that I kind of think that's a good movie

But you know what actually You kind of had a heads up If you were paying attention In 1996 To the markets Yes, you kind of had a heads up Because you know what he's also Kind of okay in

He's a small roll-ish He's in the craft Which came out the same year But like around May And Scream didn't come out until December so you had a little whiff of the Ulrich market. Because he plays as a complete scumbag in that movie.

Absolutely. I think honestly his career would have been, and I think most of the cast of Scream, it's unfortunate because that movie came out when they were so old anyway. Like the high school window had closed for all of them. Like, Skid Alrick should have been Dawson on Dawson's Creek or like, or somebody.

You know what I mean? Like he could have, if he's like three or four years younger and like conceivably could have played a high school, school student at all. Dude, Jericho with a high school student rather than a 30-year-old or whatever the fuck he was. Just because it's like middle ground, like what rolls is he going to get? Yeah. And instead you find yourself in 2001 starring in Kevin of the North where he does the Iditarod.

Yikes. I saw that last night. I was like, what the fuck is this movie? Dude, him, Natasha Hensridge and Leslie Nielsen. What? What emotion picture? One of these days we are going to get to species. Oh, yeah.

Is he in species? No, no. No, Natasha. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's a great movie. You want to talk about some mid-90s fucking computer technology. But so, you know, they have zero chemistry.

Absolutely no. And it's also one of those things where they don't like each other for a little too long in the movie. And like... Yeah, the bickering is way too long. It's like, guys, team up. And then at some point, they just stop bickering. Well, because fucking Cube... Cuba getting...

Jr. is asked to fucking put the paddles to this dead body of fucking no charm that is this goddamn nothing. Yeah. You're talking about the movie, not a character in the movie. No, I'm talking about Skeed Allerick. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. Because he's nothing. He gives nothing. He's not, I mean, like, the non-entity.

My favorite part of this movie is right now, so like they're going back and forth. And like, now Cuba Gooding Jr. is like, you know what? Give me $300. I'll give it a discount. Whatever. Like, He keeps lowering the price. Which you know it's a scam. But so these two sheriffs show up. Oh, Jesus.

And this guy sells Germany. He's like, hey, Mason, what are you doing last Saturday night? Just drifting around like a piece of shit. This guy is so not into Mason and I love it. He fucking hates this dude's guts. And you realize why later. Yeah. But then they're like fucking harassing him about selling underage beer.

or underage kids beer Mision! Misha got on her! Did you sell beer to my nerd, son? That's what's great. He's like, I'd never sell anything to that little nerd or whatever, and he's like, that nerd is my boy. Yeah, pretty great.

And like, whatever, they give him one and they leave. And, like, Cuba Gini Jr. is like, you know, you can't be mouthing off to the man like that, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, okay. That's something. Yeah, it's something. And then, um, David Pamer shows up with a bullet in his gut.

He's like, Mason, Elvis, Mason, Elvis, gurgling blood. And like, Cubigating Jr. is just like, hey, man, he's still trying to get the money. I'm like, I don't know what your life is. If I see somebody bleeding from their gut, my mind has changed. You know what I mean? Like, correct, but I'll tell you what, here is why he keeps trying to get that money. Because clear his day on the IMDB, not only is this considered an action. movie, some may consider it partially a comedy.

And that's where the comedy's coming in. It's Kubanin Jr., someone who's not funny, is tasked with being the comic relief in this movie, and that's a big problem. I think he's funny, and he can be funny. I think he's funny, Jerry McGuire. I think that that's a totally, like, William H. Macy is the, I was looking at it today,

is the right Oscar there for Fargo? Like, that's the role... He beat William H. Macy. He beat William H. Macy in Fargo. Yeah. Oh, come on, everybody. Did William H. Macy say, show me the money? Oh, yeah, I guess that's true.

He wasn't a pre-me meme. Well, that's, I kind of understand the award there. It was like he was, that movie was huge. They had to give it something. He's arguably one of the better parts of the movie. He's the most memorable part of the movie. And you're never given Tom Cruise an Oscar. No, you just, you just, you've all.

You don't give David Miscavage that shit. The dark cabal have met the night before. It's like, we will not give Tom Cruise an Oscar. Or whatever. But like, yeah, I understand it a little bit in that regard. Okay, yeah. But at the same time, like, no, the right move is William H. Macy, like, 100 times out of 100, because that's an iconic role.

Absolutely. But I think this movie proves that the emperor has no clothes. And that shit was a fucking fluke. It was a good script by Cameron Crow. Yeah. Good direction by Cameron Crow also. You know what I mean? Like, good God, is he not funny in this movie?

Well, Cubrican Interior hasn't done much other than... I mean, like... He also did a fucking movie where he's getting pulled on a sled by dogs. He did that. They're sled brothers. Sled brothers. Oh, that's a better movie. I will say that I think he gives it the most energy to the movie, though.

Like, it's otherwise a dead nothing. I agree with you. And, like, he's not funny, but I think a lot of that's the script. He's got charisma and, like, and star power. like, which is a real thing that he has. Agreed to that. But also, I'm realizing now what my issue was with it. It's because everything else in this movie is so dead.

Yeah. That he comes off like, what the fuck is this guy doing? He's acting. Yeah, but it's weird because when literally every other piece of this movie is so frozen and turgid. Well, when he comes off and he's actually doing something, I'm like, oh, man, tone it down. When he's, because he's acting against a guy with the V for V for V for V. bandetta mask on. It's a bit of a stone face.

It's a bit bad. It's a bit bad. So Pamer's dying. Oh, sure. And it is dying words, you have to get Elvis to Fort Magruder. They'll know what to do with it there. And you have to keep it.

You have to keep it chilled to 50 degrees. Or below. 50 or below, yeah. If it goes above 50, it's game over. It's a reverse speed. Hey, Hollywood. It's a reverse speed. Make sure to tell us.

Sandra Bullock But then do reverse speed The rest of the movie Because they don't even start Doing temperature shit Until like the last Nine minutes of the movie Like yeah

It should always be like Oh my God What's the temperature Give me some ice Oh my God What's the temperature Put it in whatever Because that's the thing

With speed is like They're constantly Almost losing Through that whole movie It's like a ton of close calls We call that tension Oh yeah This is not that

Also if you told me In this movie That for years all I've heard about it is these two assholes drive around an ice cream truck with a weapon. If you had told me that like halfway through this movie, the ice cream truck blows up. Yeah. Oh, what are you

doing? Oh, what in the world are you doing? Even when speed, when they got off the bus, you're like, come on, let's end the movie. You know what I mean? But the movie is way closer to being over. Yes. Wouldn't you like to see Cuba Gooding Jr. And Skid Ulrich and Bushwhack?

So Pamer dies, they stash him. They prop them up in a fucking broom closet, dude. That's embarrassing. Not good. This Cricket General comes in. They know he's evil for whatever reason. They could just smell it on him. This is just, I'm sorry.

I hate to be the fact checker in the room. But like, Chris Cabin News Update. Like, so the whole thing, he comes in and he's taunting them and he's got, like, asking for a cup of coffee. Yeah. And he steps in blood. Yeah. Yep. and it's like clearly like

a lot of it got under his boot and he walks back a bunch and then turns around and doesn't notice a huge trail of blood yeah that's a huge problem and like it's I'm just like taking that like that's one of those weird things

like I don't want to be a fact checker but that really did take me out for a minute because also like the other way to play that would be like he knows that he's just playing with them but no he doesn't he completely writes them off because this dude has no business attempting

to be a super terrorist. This is pathetic. This is this dude's first act of crime. He's fucking it up constantly. He's way out of his league here. It's certainly hard because Kudorik is a fucking horrible actor, so I'd be like, oh, this

guy's acting fucking weird for no reason. And he's like giving him shit too, and he's like, hey, General, it'll be 50 cents for the coffee. It's like, all right, Jericho. Relax. Yeah, let's tone it down. I'm sure the Legion Less than what's like half a league

The tens of Jericho fans Are gonna blow up our feet Oh yeah But again I'm sure Skeeterk is a great guy Yeah again again yeah and totally nice guy Great guy's been good in other things But holy fucking shit He's great in scream

I think he's actually really good in scream He is a very good Absolutely is great in that movie There's no doubt about it And I will stand for touch And he winds up He leaves and like Skeet-Dol's like look man

I need your eyes cream truck, I need to keep this under 50 degrees or else we're real serious shit. And, you know, could be able to just like, absolutely not. I got to make other deliveries. This ice cream is important. Blah, blah, blah. And this is some of that bad comedy you're talking about. Yeah.

Because he's like, absolutely not. I will not let you have my truck under any circumstances. And then to get all the cock the gun. And he's like, well, how far do you have to go? And it's like, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, man, that turn on a dime, like you put a gun in my face bag. Never saw that until Joe Factor. And they get on the fucking.

road fucking 30 some odd minutes in 30 minutes into a 100 minute movie by the way like you're really like I love the fact that this movie so this movie takes forever to get going and when they finally get in that fucking ice cream truck not only does it not start yeah skeed olrick instructs kuba getting junior to silently roll it out of town so they're not even driving a common thread through all of our listener request month movies is they all drag ass they all like seem so much longer than they are

yeah you know what that's it for next month next time let's all consider pacing when you're you're when you're you know you consider the length of your own call consider where you're calling from make a little funny quip all that stuff but first things first let's consider pacing let's see some smoking aces

a little bit more smoking aes yes absolutely and I mean like you know there were good things that didn't pull out of this hat and I'm sure Charlie is a great guy. You know, I'm not blaming him. No, necessarily. I'm just so sad that I know what this movie is. Yes, exactly.

Now I'll always know what this movie is. I know this. I'll remember this. This was something that I've avoided for literally 20 years. I remember the first time seeing like the preview ads for like the theatrical release. I remember skipping it then. I remember skipping it in the blockbuster. Because you had to cut off the addiction eventually. You had bulletproof.

you had you fucking fled and I was like that was one too many I had I had gone far enough so they're on the road now it's daytime by the way it's like the middle of the day yep yeah again because what time is it Hugh Johnson I forget

how they the terrorists get on to them that they do well so part of the team is like on the outskirts of town and this dude is like hey I want to know if a fucking rabbit runs by you or whatever so they drive past these dudes on motorcycle call it in, and he's like, all right, chase after them then, which leads to two stupendous

fucking deaths. It's fantastic. One is Kubigating Jr. just bumps this motorcycle a little bit, and this dude falls into the front of a logging truck. It's a great dummy hitting. There's a dummy flying through the air. Again, it would have to be the, like, robocop fucking, when the toxic mutant gets hit. It has to be, like, if you turn into a wall.

Watermelon. Yes. If you dropped a watermelon out of window, dude, just like the old Letterman gags dropping watermelons off the Ed Sullivan theater. The biggest watermelon you've ever seen. You know what I call that? Cheating. Yeah, gravity. I could do what gravity does, Mark. Oh, I thought you were saying he considered it cheating because real people who commit suicide shoot themselves. No, no, no, no. I was like, I'm going to eventually do Palamo. I can pick it outside your house. You want to steal shit for me? Stupid Letterman throwing watermelons. He threw a what? Get my lawyer.

Gallagher 2 is my lawyer now. Yeah, come out, you chicken shit. Oh, man. He's yelling outside Litterman's house. He's just got his hammer, a mallet, like, and tapping it in his hand. I'll wait. Think you're a big man's.

smashing watermelons He's flitted Yeah, still they ended up smashed, didn't they, Dave? Tell that to the sidewalk, you son of a bitch. David Letterman's two security guards take out their tasers.

All right, I'll go. But I'll be back. I might tase a water element in my next show. That looks pretty fun. Oh, electromagnet. Get ready to hear from Gallagher, too. Um, anyway. So like, you know, one guy gets hit by the fucking, uh, hit by the truck. And the other guy, I think there's some, like, he gets onto the truck. Like, him and ski and all work of fighting. Which this kind of a fight scene, any fighting on the top of a vehicle like this, this is for like end of second act or later in your film. Yeah. I was like, is this over? Did the DVD skip? Please God. And it's, we're in Montana, by the way. Oh, right. This is a lot of little rocky crags. We're actually in Utah. But we're in, in Montana in the movie.

There's a lot of Rocky Crags. And they notice this like clearing of a fucking rock. This guy gets fucking Wiley Coyote real good. Oh, it's quite spectacular. It's quite good. But I thought we were going to get a Dennis Hopperhead rip right now. Yeah. Didn't happen.

Kind of bummed. Well, you can't, you can't really rebuffs speed that much. Just a good curse splat. Yeah. That's all I'm really looking for. Also, am I watching that movie, chill factor? Fucking thieves. Am I remembering right that?

when that dude causes the logging truck thing, that logging truck flips over and explodes. Yes. Which is also pretty great. Very excessive. It was like of like early 90s, late 80s action. I was like,

that didn't need that. And at this point, in this sort of kerfuffle, Cubigarty Jr. realizes that the gun doesn't work. It doesn't have bullets. Right. But then they're like,

well, I guess because of the danger of the, the disease. The world's about to end. Yeah. Also, like, I don't know, go to the police. I think any police officer would be like, oh, okay, I'll take this to whatever. Or let me call fucking Fort Magruder and they'll know what's going on. Well, because I think the thing is the closest two police officers are those two guys that hassled him. Yeah.

So he doesn't trust anybody. Because they called him a piece of shit earlier. Also, a drifted piece of shit. Another, you keep saying drifter. And what's amazing is he's described by no less than three people in this movie as being a drifter. Pretty great. Yeah, I mean, that's, you really have to drift to get that. Well, you can't just say your dealer.

It was the fucking 90s. Well, the two cops call him a drifter. The diner proprietor calls him a drifter. And I think David Pamer calls him a drifter. That's four fucking people in one day referring to you as a drifter. I think people, I mean, like, also I've lived here for two years. Like, yeah, I did some drifting. You know what I mean?

Who hasn't drifted? But the drift stopped. Do you mean I left the town? Is that what you think it is? Yeah, what is drifting? exactly. Do you have to hitchhike? I mean, then you're a hitchhiker. You went drifting. I just went out of my honeymoon. There he goes. Drifting again. It's Thanksgiving.

I used my vacation days. I didn't use my drifting days. Oh, you are allowed eight drifting days a year. I think drifting is a thing where you're not staying in any one place for too long. I don't know that the means of conveyance comes into play. Yeah, and I think you have to you have to at least own like either a camo jacket or a camo racetrack. Yes, absolutely. A rucksack has to be involved no matter what.

It has to be prepared and ready to go. Oh, absolutely. And absent of both of those things, you can either be divorced or have PTSD. Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, oh, another moment of comedy here, which I've never seen this before. Boy, oh, boy, does he call 911 and get put on hold. Oh, that's fun. What the fuck?

And I'm sitting and I'm like, am I supposed to be laughing? Or are we just killing time? A little bit of both. Eventually you should have laughed. Mix them both up. When does this? Oh boy, they should be laughing by now. When do they get when and how does

the general get their number and now we're doing like die hard with a vengeance phone call shit? That's just a thing that happened. It's magic. Magic nonsense. Yep. that happens twice in this movie two times in this movie

someone randomly gets the fucking phone number I think they toss it all at the hacker guy oh okay like that they have in the fucking back back van yeah he's like yeah there is a computer whiz so I think they just toss at that like oh he can find it don't worry he could find it he's got a computer with a dial up connection he can find it so he's talking shit to them

you know we're doing back and forth and like the guy uh... Skeedalk has a killer line here and he's because he's like, where is Elvis? And he's like, Elvis is dead, man. You got to get yourself some CDs. Yep. Oof.

Sick. Man, that dude's ass is on fire from that sick burn, dude. But Elvis is on CD. Shut up. I mean. You know what I meant. He was like 100 CDs. Fuck you, the burn stands.

Like at least 70 of them are greatest hits. The burn stands. I believe that the burn still stands. I'll allow it. Comedy judge. Oh, we should, because they use both a lot right here. Two obnoxious points of this screenplay. Kubrick's nickname for Skeed Ulrich is Night Shift, which is terrible.

It's like if I just fucking called Steve glasses. Yeah, because he's wearing glasses. Skeed Ulrich was working the night shift. Genius, buddy. Also, Kubigin & Genius's nickname for this. fucking ice cream truck is old Pete like it's a fucking dying horse.

I can't stand this screenplay. This may be one of the worst screenplays of all. It's not a good one. Seymour Butts was off his game. And he was Johnson? That was my bit. And like, so at this point

when they get stuck, is that way we're at? The rocket launcher that's used and like more wily coyote shit happening. Dude, this general, this is amazing because there's like four dudes and then a woman on the team. And the woman is like, what the fuck are you doing? You can't hit the rocket luncher. They're going to, you blow up the device. And he's like, shut up, stupid woman, I'll take it from here. And this guy who I don't believe for a second has fired a rocket launcher until this very second. How could he? How could he's been jail? He was a loser general and now he's a jail.

I think Leavenworth Prison offered a terrorism program. But before that, everybody knows from 1987 before it was all grenades. Oh, yeah. We were no rockets. We were a grenade country. So he blasts this other truck to be like, see what I can do kind of thing. And the truck's like in front of them. So Skeed all right.

Because like, well, we just got to drive right through it. And Kubrick Jr. is like, oh, we're not going to fit. There's this whole. This is where I started thinking about the wages of fuel. Yeah. And I was like, I just really want to watch that movie instead. Well, where is this supposed to be? Montana.

It's like a road in Iran. Yeah. It's the fuck is this. It doesn't make any sense. It's desolate. It's on side of a mountain. So basically, like, they have to ride off the side of this mountain. Yeah.

And like, it's so crickety. Like, oh, my God, are we going to tip over? Also, by the way, Crooked General, you do understand. I mean, not only, like, if that one little drop killed, like, like, you know, people 10 miles out. That whole container is going to kill the state of Montana, which you are in, by the way. Absolutely.

And second of all, you don't get your fucking money. So what are you doing? Again. Firing rockets, you idiot. It's fucking Mickey Mouse terrorist. Yes, you can't even stand it. News fucking copters would be swarming. That's another point.

Also, like, the big road disaster with the fucking, with the logging truck or whatever, cops are coming. Cops are stopping these people. Like, what is going? going on here. So they get past it. And this is what is

sensationally stupid about this movie. We spend 10 minutes trying to squeeze past this truck. Oh, are we going to fall over? No fucking old Pete's going to make it. This, that, and the other thing. They get around it only to literally 10 seconds later

flip the fucking truck and destroy it. By the way, you know what? This begins. So the first movement was the flashback, the second movement, was the highest. The third movement is the woo-hooing. There is, just to sort of

give these actors something to do. They're like, well, Hugh, how do I react? I don't know, woo-hoo? Yeah, when in doubt, say woo-hoo. Because they're, woo-hoo. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Well, we can't have backstory, so why don't we woo-hoo?

Well, they know that they got to get to the fucking bad backstories, dude, because they fucking boatjack this dude. We all wish we could have an inner life But some of us don't Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! I am not a person. So, what was your dad like?

Well, woo-hoo. Yeah, I remember one time, you know, it was Christmas and my mom. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Yeah! I was after the barn burned down with both of my sisters and saw,

you know my brother in college i mean he called me every week but then won that october and then uh as we lowered my grandfather's coffin into the ground the song that he wanted played uh right when he entered the dirt with woohoo when i need a piano woohoo a bird song whatever too well i was uh taking my sister home from a party and she had eaten some cake that was really

bad for her and uh woohoo woohoo oh man that poor bastard just fucking live to her editor

he got a he got a case of the woohoo so they're woohoo and yeah I don't know how the truck flips because they get

they get in a fucking fender bender with this guy and they like swerve or something before they hit him so it's not a real fender bender

but like they swerve around this dude he's Kubikin and Jr. is speeding this dude is trailing a boat and they swerve

did not hit this guy but they still kind of do the truck flips over and then fucking Skeet Ulrich is just like all right no I can get us out of this

I can get us out of this he takes his fucking broken gun and they boat check this dude they steal this dude's fucking motor boat and then they fucking like Arnold driving

down the hill and commando they just take this boat down a mountain and it's so this also takes like 10 minutes a lot of woohoo's here

there's a lot there is a lot of Woohoo's here. There are woo-hoo and they keep hitting stuff. Woo-hous and watchouts. Also, this boat would not be seaworthy at the end of this. We're going down a craddy fucking mountain. You were thinking more fucking Schwarzenegger.

I was thinking gone fishing. Yeah. Yes. Just fucking like yippe-y-pain back and forth during this whole thing. And there's a part right here that is so dumb. They get to like a little precipice and it's like kind of hanging. And Kubigood & Jr. he was freaking the fuck out.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I keep wanting to call him Billy. That's his character in the scream. Skeet Alrick is like, no, here we go. And he pushes it forward again. The drop is like six feet. What are you screaming about? Yeah.

They finally make their way into the water because then they fall, they legit fall off a cliff. And again, to your point, Steve, no way is this thing seaworthy. No fucking way after all this. Oh, and by the way, The packaging of the thing that will kill everything around you is fucking ice cubes and ice cream sandwiches.

The things that melt quickest on this planet. That's a really good point, Chris. They're all wrapped into like a leather backpack that they stole from somebody. I mean, what, how, on a 70-degree day, how long does an ice cream sandwich last outside of the package? Ten seconds. And everybody knows. that leather does not take in heat.

That's the good thing about it. That's the really fucking good thing about it. Oh, that's what it is. They empty a woman's purse. Someone left a purse at the diner. Like a satchel or whatever. Was it Darlene's maybe? Could have been darlings.

Oh, poor woman. So they're in this boat, and now we finally get to talking. We got precisely seven minutes to give two full backstories. Let's get going. The clock's ticking, boys. Give me these backstories.

And I was like, whoa. No, no, no, not now. Not now. No, we need to do a talk. It's like a bad game show. Give me your backstory. Okay, so I was a high school football star,

no, college football star. And I was the second best of the two guys, but the other guy was better than me. I can't, oh, I can't do it. No, so the two of them, he was a college football star, and there was a guy that he was not going to make it. He was just okay. He was like a wide out or something he says.

Yeah, but the quarterback was was going to be in the NFL draft. He was going to be huge. And they were Best Bugs. Best butts. And they go out drinking to celebrate. I think he was He gets drafted. He makes it. They go out drinking to celebrate. He's driving. He crashes

his car, his car. Ruins his kid's life. And he's like, and then I couldn't handle it, man. So I bailed. And I'm like, yep. Wow, that is shitty. Yeah. Wow, that's shitty. And I bet you anything. he told that dude that and it was like yeah man so you know your situation makes me feel so

terrible i too will stop playing football so it's also your fault that's why i can't believe him as jericho savior of the world yeah he doesn't play savior of the world he plays scum of the earth yeah that is what he does is that what he's doing on the show he's saving the world like it's like he's one of the like last survivors of something oh eep another time uh skilog's pretty good is when he plays that uh that hustler beats the shit out of gregg canier in as good as a guess yes not too shabby oh yeah yeah yeah that's also good cubing junior actually yeah also piece of shit scum of the earth yeah that's that's what reminded me of it but so he's like yeah so i just kind of bailed then i did some drifting and now i'm here

then i met this scientist who didn't turn my life around but he told him about this time machine he wanted to bail but he's too high all the time to do it and then it's hilarious because Kubikin Jr. is like, wow, that's horrible. My bag story is, I work for these dude who has a bunch of ice cream delivery trucks and he, well, he's kind of a jerk. Yeah, he like, passed me over for a promotion. Yeah, he gave some other dude a better route,

which is like his whole motivation for stealing this ice cream truck to get back at this guy. Well, I think he goes to school because he's promised an office job, but he doesn't get it. Even after that, and he keeps getting passed over. Oh, that's what it is. Oh, right. And this is the dumbest part of the movie is, because they're like kind of becoming friendly

obviously oh by the way at this point Chris they discern they're like well oh the thing is the temperature is getting a little high here and like ski it all right just puts his fucking fist in the water it's like it's like less than 50 degrees and just dunks this thing

why don't I just put some chicken tenders in here and uh fucking dream fucking blue cheese over it fuck it right it is insane though he has some line where he says um this river

is like an outlet from a glacier or something? And he's like, so it's definitely below 50 degrees. Well, this is exactly what an asshole who like fishes occasionally would say. He was like, oh yeah, I know the water. I've been fishing five times in my life. I've fished these waters. I know the water, man. I fucking give people pot near the water, man.

These are my seas. So he goes, Cubin Jr. looks at him, he's like, well, you know, after they both said their sad backstory, he's like, you know, we may be up Schitt's Creek, but at least we've got a paddle. And so Coupa says that

to which Skeet Ulrich replies. Yeah, two paddles. Oh, eat shit, you stupid movie. I was waiting for the fucking step-by-step theme to start playing. Step by step, day by day. Day by day.

Let's start over different every day. People that come and people they go. Make it better. Second time around. Yeah, there is some unnecessary orchestration crescendo at the end of that theme song, and I never appreciated it. It's that at Suzanne Somers going apes a day by day. Is she singing?

Oh, absolutely. Really? I have a serious. a heart attack right now. Don't you know Stephen Sadek, music historian? No, no. Theme song. Yeah, exactly. Please.

Not music. Don't lump all music. I didn't know who that lizard guy was. But so now the movie gets back to land. Finally. Back to land. We take a break to get introduced to this other kernel. Whatever.

Can I say something? Please. So Jericho is about a nuclear mushroom cloud goes off in some small town. And I think the name of the town is Jericho. Oh, it makes sense. Then what happens. And then, like, stuff happens. Yeah, I think it's like trying to get,

they have to do stuff. If the government's against them or something. Oh, for God's sake, people wrote letters to save that. Yes. Come on. I guess they did, I guess. Good Lord. That people like TV, dude.

Yeah, you know what? Day by day. No, in any event. So we're now back to land. The idea is we're, yes, we get introduced to this Colonel Vitelli. Yes. Cool.

Who I guess is in the beginning of the movie, but I didn't notice him. No, he's not the beginning of the movie. He served in Vietnam with the bad guy. Oh, okay. So then like, well, whatever. Like, I don't know, put him in the beginning of the movie. I guess he should be the dude that fucking sentenced him.

This is the good military guy, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like, oh, uh, something he realizes all this is missing and now there's this team get a lot of helicopters. The helicopter budget's pretty steep. I thought, uh, in praise to say something nice about this film. I was happy to see

decent chopper budget lots of choppers multiple choppers in the same scene even absolutely and IRL helicopters too by the way while this is all happening back home

Pappas the fucking lunatic oh the shitty cop shitty cop has took it on himself to hunt down now national terrorist skeet Ulrich because he thinks he fucked with his nerd son

because he's a maniac well because he runs into the Crooked General at some point and the Crooked General is like do you know this guy this Mason character's like yeah the guy's a piece of shit he's like I know and he's like yeah by the way he stole this agent

this chemical weapon so if you find him you bring him down you bring him me blah blah so now he's like deputized for whatever reason and we wind up going to the ice cream truck factory. And he's ice cream. Uh, and you know, they're going to, he's

going to, he's going to, he's going to steal another truck, but uh-oh, the Crooked General has the drop on him this time. Yeah, he does. And there's a lot going on here with this dude like pointing a gun in this fat guy's face, which is pretty funny. Yeah. Uh, and Coogan Jr.'s like kind of getting the last laugh here. He's like, oh,

gee, Andy, should I prevent you from being shot in the teeth? I don't know. And this dude's like really sweating it. And in all the meanwhile, fucking Ski-Lorick is it some bodega and here's the ghost of David Pamer. I can't believe you to get it.

Dude, this screenplay has some fucking stones man. So the way it works out is I guess Ski-Dol-Rick is going to buy a cooler and stuff to put the fucking biological weapon in while Kubi going to do you steal as a truck while this is happening he gets a call

from the general and like he's like we have to make a deal. You want to save your friend, don't you? And he's like, I guess I do I guess he's my friend And at this point Yes David Pamer's like

Bullshit anecdote About what fishing is It's like You need to like The fish thinks he's the predator But you have to let him be the prey Or whatever You trick the predator

Into thinking that he's praying on you But you're really using his strength against Fuck you movie Just fucking fuck you And at one point And that means like Okay so that I'll That means I'll switch it

Like what? Yep Yeah I knew that immediate. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, I was like, oh, okay, so whatever happens next is complete fucking bullshit. Well, because the way they telegraph it, I mean, it's like he looks at the cooler and then he sees off to the side like antifreeze crystals or something. And he's like, oh.

Oh. Oh, a thing that doesn't exist. Then you cut to David Pamer in a white room where he's like, all right, movie. Listen up. What's happening now is that Skeed Ulrich is going to play the switcheroo on the general. Don't get confused. But if you're going to get some candy, get it now. I love that the general, when he's on the phone right here,

Skeed Ulrich definitely has the line, Meet Me at the Dam. Pretty awesome. If you get confused, send your questions to Chill Factor Queries at P.O. Box 109, Santa Monica, California. To be fair, Meet Me at the Dam is my favorite stroke song. So, yeah, he recalls this advice.

Thank God we had this sage fly fishing wisdom. So now we're on the dam and it's like kind of this should be the end of the movie but it's only the middle? Jesus Christ, if you find yourself

writing a screenplay where the characters all get to a dam, guess what? That's the end of the movie. That is the end of the movie. It means more Frankenstein bullshit. Here, just chunk this thing in. Oh, man. And, you know, when I see dams in motion pictures, I'm immediately thinking of Beavis and Butta do America.

Of course. It's the gold standard. Of dam scenes. Yes, of dam scenes, please. I will say there's a really good damn scene and lost in America. Oh, yeah. That's a good. It's a good dam scene. Or the sideshow Bob Cecil Terwillager episode. Not another good damn scene. This, not so much of a good damn scene. Not at all. So we do the switcheroo. He does the handoff. At some point, Skeeter got shot in the knee by this lady who's like kind of this femme fatal. Because they like,

he's dangling the device. Oh, that's right. Off of the dam. Is it with a fishing pole? Yeah, or like just a rough. Or he's just got like rope or something.

Yeah, it's some like thick, uh, like really thick white rope. Yeah. And so he's like, all right, I'll drop this unless you tell me that Kubuggan Jr.

is alive or whatever. And so he brings it to him. And because I don't, I have. haven't heard anything about this money shit yet. I'm like, why wouldn't he just, yeah, fucking let it go. Just drop it. That's what I want.

There is a line earlier in the film when the lady's like, why am I putting up with this to the general and the general goes, well, if you want 10% of $100 million, you will put up with it. Actually, you're right, because I was like, that's the stupidest way to say $10 million.

It's the easiest math you can do. But that sort of implies that they already this is why it doesn't make any sense. I won't do it for $10 million. Okay. Will you do it for 10% of $100 million? Oh, got him.

Yes, I will. Can I have 24 hours to think it over and talk to my spouse? No, but you can have a day to think of it. How about that? No, so because this whole thing, we can talk about it because it happens right here. So he says that to her. Yes. You know, but

it's totally presumptuous on this guy. part because what they're actually doing is auctioning this shit. So what? You're just promising that this thing is going to sell for a hundred million dollars? I know, it's definitely, oh, it's a hundred million or two hundred, maybe even three. Easy. Easy. Is this a dark

web chat room? What is this fucking lady? This is so fucking hilarious. This bidding war that they have over the computer and this guy is like, I guess on the line with all of these companies as to like who's bidding what.

It's countries, countries rather, not companies. I meant countries. But I'll, you know what? I'll give you one thing, screenplay. Maybe in prison he met up with some dark dudes who are terrorist people, et cetera. Yeah. That like that compromises some of the team and then everybody's got a friend. That's the rest of the team.

Where does he get these connections to fucking Pakistan and Panama and wherever the fuck else? Yeah, exactly. Well, cut down on his island adventure and show me him. fucking making buddies with these people making a network that he can then bring outside the world whether i i i just assume these other guys came from craigslist and so this is i don't understand how this bidding works and it's fucking hilarious because this guy's like all right man like the bidding's on like we got to figure it out china offered a hundred million panama's at this blah blah where's the thing do you still have the thing to do like an example that's what it is

they have the two of them tied up and he puts a little bit of it down on the ground and they're filming it and he's like watch you're going to see how this thing works and let the bidding start blah blah blah so nothing's happening because it's fucking anti-freeze or road salt or whatever yeah we're also cutting out fucking

15 minutes of other military guy oh boy that guy is just like fucking just jammering on if I care he is 10 steps behind everything the entire movie it's like John Cusack Conair.

Yeah. He's just there to fucking pull it along. I'm like, I do not give a shit. But this guy who's running the auction

is like, all right, man, time's up. China pulled out. Grenada said they're going to call back tomorrow. Yeah. Like he says that

one of the countries is going to call back tomorrow. What are you doing? It's like, my mom said I got to just like some kid. Like, my mom said

I got to go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow. Venezuela had to stop using the modem. Like I would love, like, that's like at the beginning of die hard.

and Alan Rickman trips and his gun falls out and all the security guards see him immediately and then the whole thing is spoiled it's the most embarrassing thing for a villain I've seen and this dude is so clueless

he's not even sweating it and they're like, I got work tomorrow gonna bed I'll call you back tomorrow my dad's my dad's busy bye so this

the whole thing you know goes tits up But this guy is cool as a cucumber. Then the Army Rangers come in for two seconds. And the guy's like, uh, uh, uh, Army Rangers, biological weapon. Yeah. And they all just back off. Uh-huh.

And then the guy's like, he says to one of his fucking hoodlum friends, he's like, well, now that the army's off our backs, we just have to get those two idiots. Don't you still want that $100 million? I was like, what are you talking about? Panama's calling back tomorrow. Oh, no one's even taking your. calls anymore. This fucking Mickey Mouse terrorism

shit. At this point your best bet is like I don't know like Canada. Like I don't know. Maybe Canada'll do it. Oh please come on Canada. Take this biological weapon. You got to get Batman. Batman's got to get his bat copters.

It's got to be the end of the fucking Dart Night Rises. Over the sea and drop it in the fucking ocean and kill everything. So they are now driving in a UPS or a fake UPS truck. Did you see the fucking logo on this stupidity.

It's supposed to be a UPS truck. It's a brown truck with yellow labeling. It's called an order. So it's like the words are like top to bottom. It goes Pacific Coast parcel PCP. Oh, that fucking funny.

You Johnson loves that. I would like to have some of that. I was watching this. Just to make it a little more jumpy. Would it kept me awake? Please. So they're driving, blah, blah, blah. Big chase scene.

Chase scene. Again, this general is firing at his own $100 million. Right. And they're chasing. They're getting to a tunnel. And this is where this other army dude just gets Skeet Ulrich's phone number somehow. Well, yeah, does this is when he asked him if he likes scary movies or no? No, this is he asked him if his refrigerator is running.

Uh, so, excuse, hello, Skeet Ulrich, yes. Can I speak to a Hugh Johnson of the director. actor? He's right here. Oh, crap. He's not here. Anita. Anita, can you take this?

So this dude is like, got it, Skid Alrick. You gave them a fake weapon and you still have the real one. Pretty cool. We're going to fucking firebomb these two cars so you can get out of there, buddy. All right. And they do. And I'm like,

did the villain just die? Like, I was, I was, this movie is so inept. I was like, oh my God, they just killed the villain. Because like, that whole team gets wiped out. Both cars are blown up. Well, that's, you could think that at first, but like, very pointedly in the first blow up,

it's just the back that blows up. And then you, but, and for a minute, you're like, oh, well, they're all dead. But then you watch the second one, it's like, big blows up. That dudes, those two dudes are like, definitely oh, so those two motherfuckers are still alive and they're going to come back. Like all that, all

like the hackers and all those dudes that were doing like fucking wily coyote yes and then the rest of this movie turns into fucking sylvester's daylight out of nowhere it definitely does just another fucking thing to rip off we're all stuck in a tunnel we're stuck in a tunnel the sheriff the sheriff finds them and uh he pulls a gun and he's like that's quite enough steve what's that read my note uh oh whoa whoa uh the ex football no the bit the most obvious one. Run him over. Yeah, you're right. Run him over. You're totally right. This guy's a scumbag, a piece of shit, and the world is at stake

or whatever. You just run him over. Run him right the fuck over. And like this dude won't get out of the way. They get out of the truck and they're like, hey man, come I. We got this weapon. The guy's like, bullshit. Oh, that's right. And also, at this point, it's like, it's been, it's a 49.6 degrees. Yeah, 49.7 degrees. All of a sudden, by the way, this thermometer has a decimal place on it. Okay. And the guy, the guy in the helicopter said, well, if it gets to 50,

I'm going to have to shield a tunnel. Which, this thing wiped out a whole island. You're telling me that's not going to seep out through a little tunnel? That island was, like, nothing can live there anymore. Yes, exactly. There were rocks there. Those were disintegrated

as well. Out of a thimbles full. This is a fucking carton full. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, by the way, did everybody check what was on the other side of the tunnel the fucking ocean you're drinking water you're fucking every who gives the shit

no it's not like this would destroy everything there was a thing that I thought was there was like one moment where I really was hoping that this way better idea happened and didn't was when they're yelling and they're like listen if you don't let us through like everybody's going to die this thing's

going to go up and all the people so the the sheriff or whatever has stopped traffic. Yes. So all these cars are lined up and all these people are out of their cars

like honking their horns and screaming and yelling a couple of woohooes were heard and when Skied Alwick's or Cuba whichever one says it they're like

we're all gonna die blah blah blah all of the people behind the sheriff have a quick moment where they're like hey what the fuck and I was like

oh awesome they're all going to gang up on the sheriff like a horde of zombies and fucking take them down they just tear him apart limb from him oh it'll be awesome

they rip his face off they rip his guts out and his fucking entrails coming out. Like the nerd guy and Sean of the Dead. Yes, exactly. Or that fucking shit-heeled dude and Day of the Dead. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he's pointing a gun and

out of nowhere the general returns at this point. And the woman, they have both lived through that explosion. Whatever. What the fuck ever really? Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. So this is the sequence of events because it's really important. The guy's like, well, the guy in the hells was like, well, it's too late.

Seal one end of the tunnel. And they do. And then they're like, well, it's too late. They're going to let us all die in here, you fucking idiot ape cop. If only we could keep this thing cool. And then this guy is like, keep it cool. I got a cooler of beer back here.

Get her done, man. The only reason it might go off if I was running that thing is because I might run him over and then back up and then run him over again. Just so he's meat. Of course, and also, like, I'm about to die the most terrible death ever. Now I am fucking grabbing this guy's face

like a chimpanzee. and ripping it off with my own hands. But he's like, oh, beer, cool. And the way they keep, the scientific, they take a tea, Skeogel is wearing a flannel shirt. Yes. They take a flannel shirt. Put ice in the flannel shirt and this biological weapon in it and tie it pretty good.

I was like, no, you're dead anyway, you're dead. You're dead. Use the cooler. Put it in there. No, no. Oh, didn't you see you put a nice pack in there too? It's okay. It's crazy.

And so we see this little like thermomomero. and the number it gets to 49.9.9.8 and skidog's like, oh, it's working. We have a little dude undude kiss right here and a very quick retraction of said gay kiss. Oh, it's gay panic, baby. I was surprised it took so long to get there. Did you see? No, no. There was an early one when they're at the dam and he has to get the... Oh, right. He's like, oh, you're going to fumble my ass. Well, it's like, oh, you have to get something from my pocket. He has a knife in his pocket.

He's like, put your head in my pants. It's Kubrick Jr.'s like, wait, what? there's some line where it's like yeah he says put your hand in my pants which like hey man how about you just say there's a knife in my pocket I need you to get worst screenplay ever right here but that yet what his line is is something like I don't want to go out being gay

or whatever you know what it is I don't want to do any weird shit on my way out or something like that and I'm like you know what movie what the fuck are we doing ice cream truck the movie I mean I do feel like gay panic is a staple of white guy black guy go on the run. Like,

there always has to be a scene where they're tied up or they're naked and somebody's going to be like, hey man, I'm not like that. I'm not like that. No,

not really, actually. Yeah. I mean, that's, again, that's the godfather of white guy,

black guy, go on the run. Right, yeah. I mean, of the lethal weapon variety of bringing up to that. Sure. This is probably the time

I should tell my Cuba Gooding Jr. Story. Oh, please. I was in New Orleans for a bachelor party. Friends of the show, me and Andrew,

from way back at the theater actually. Oh, yeah. And we were in, we just were in a Walgreens getting like Gatorades and stuff. You had to rehydrate after you killed that hooker. Yes, well, you have to. She's fucking dead! Water can only do so much. You need the

electrolytes. Right, right, right. So, all of a sudden, I hear someone being very, very loud. And I just looked behind me and it is Cuba Gooding Jr. What did you say you were in a CVS? It was like a Walgreens C.S. Yeah. um and pharmacy convenience store so he's just like going up and down the eyes i'm like okay fuck it is he intoxicated he looked it okay uh but that will come up later um so then later two days later

cub and i on a boat you joke um so no uh so we get our stuff and uh we're just like hanging outside and we just look behind me and cuba gooding junior is to look to look taking the looking at the back of a very, very large pack of Trojans. No way. What is he looking at the back for? The ingredients? He was very into whatever was being explained. Maybe he couldn't fucking figure out the count.

How many's in the pack? Or if they were like flavored or like, what? Is this going to be enough for this weekend? Is this 99% accurate? 99.9.9. What are we talking here? and then later i think i saw like some like a like a tmz report of you getting like kicked out of a bar in new orleans and i thought it was like that's probably it was just fucking last night fine i'll go home and use these condoms i bought i will say allegedly to all this we don't know might not have been kubing any june i know it was

chris legal cover oh that's fucking funny yeah oh my god that's amazing uh I mean, like, I mean, we all need to buy condoms at some point, but like the reading of the condom. Like, you got to just get it and get out, man. You're like fucking, uh, Red is the Lost Ark with that shit. Maybe he was looking for whatever the proof of purchase so he can get points for them. Oh, you need the Trojan points. How else is he going to get that jacket? Yeah.

Those silk robes. Oh, yeah, you're totally right. Trojan smoking jacket. Your direct silk robe. That's fantastic. But so in any event, the general comes back. Skeed Ulrich has a biological device. Like, oh, no, they find a way out of the tunnel that's been sealed on both ends.

There's some ladder. They're so like, oh, get everybody out of there. Skeedlock, again, has a bad knee. And, like, Cuba going to junior goes first for some reason. And also, I wasn't figuring out what was going on here because I wasn't aware that, like, the temperature is going down. Yeah, so, like, I thought they were trying to carry it out. Yeah. Well, eventually they are.

the first thing is first. That's all right, good, because that's what I'm saying. Kubukin Jr. is like, all right, I'll lead all these people out of here. I was like, take the fucking thing. The biological device is the most important thing. Leave everybody in the safety of the tunnel. Sure. Get that thing out of there. And get it in the helicopter

where apparently there's something that could contain it or something. I think. But they, so everybody goes, Skid all right again, it's it's fucking ice in a t-shirt wrapped up with a knot. I mean, I mean, it's going to get under 50 degrees in six seconds, ten?

The ice that's left after you're done drinking your first soda at the movies, that's how much the end of the world is riding on. The ice is going to melt. Exactly. And now he gets into this fight with the general and the ladies involved or something. Well, because like they fire off around and he falls. There's a big stupid fucking fucking. What happens to her?

She kind of has a spectacular death a little bit. Oh, man, I can't remember it. Oh, no, no, no. He'll punches her in the face. After kneeing her in the crotch. Sure. So she's just out for the count. And then at this point,

the general's about to get the kibosh on Ulrich. And this was quite dumb. Kubrick Jr. sneaks up behind him and stabs him in the chest with the thermometer. Oh, dear Lord, is that stupid. and it's like oh that's the end of me and again this fucking icy thing like oh it's not going to make it so they

both run out right and this is the best death of the movie and the best part of the movie well so the military they fucking blow up the other end of the fucking thing and the little a vent yes that let them all out

they just bomb it like it's not like chemically sealed or anything it's nothing special if anything they blew the whole wide open. It might have gone a little deeper now. You don't know, yeah, you don't know what you're doing. You're guessing you're sealing the hole.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing. By the way, this is an active road. Yeah. Do you think there might be some traffic on the other sides of this fucking road? That might die immediately, you fucking idiots. It's amazing. The slightest bit of this gas gets out the world ends and everyone's sterile. But, ah, we seal it.

It's like children. This is how children of men begin. Absolutely. Prequel. uh also this movie somehow featured michael kane farting uh so then oh right skeed all right do you like the beetles i bet you like the beatles my favorite song is uh oh so this general farty raccoon this general turns into a fucking cg i skeleton man it's a he goes to outworld dude It's a fatality.

It's awesome. He turns gray. His nose falls off. Yeah, that's weird. He's like Mr. Potato Head for a second. It looks like, it looks like Sam Neal

at the end of the Event Horizon for a bit. Oh, sure. It's pretty good. I was into it. I was like, all right, cool. And then they win.

And like the general, the good general is like, well, you guys did a pretty good job. And they're like, hey, and all of a sudden, they're like,

hey, can we get some money or something? Like, now they're like super broing. They're as, buddy-buddy as they've ever been in this film super buddy buddy yeah this is like the end of stripes yes and he's like well uh you're lucky that you're not going to jail for the rest of your lives because i you know the secret behind the secret enemy yeah he's like i could lock you up

or kill you blah blah blah blah and then again just like that fucking when he pulls the gun on him earlier it's like oh well you know what patriotism is its own reward blah blah blah blah And then just to be clear that we're straight Two bodacious babes Because again there's been no women in this movie At all except for the one Yeah And like it's no like my ex-girlfriend

My ex-wife my girlfriend at home My wife at home So the sexuality of these characters are non-existent But all of a sudden at the end They get really fucking horny They get really horny And these are some babelicious EMTs That pop up from a porno set somewhere

I was half of expecting The military guy is like You know Someday we might need somebody to pour the remnants of an igloo cooler after eight hours onto another bomb that might destroy the world as we know it. And one day we might need you again, boys.

Oh, man, the idea... A world in which chill factor at a sequel, what would that even look like? Wow, dude. I'm just picturing like a burning skyline, movie theaters have been outlawed. Maybe if Bob Dole had won. No, that's how, the beginning of Chill Factor, you have bumped to wins.

It's the, uh, it's actually the end of Fight Club when all the credit agencies start falling down. But those are all movie studios. And for whatever reason, Chill Factor is the only franchise that remains. Oh, they won the franchise wars, dude. You met me at a very strange time in my life when I made, it was Hugh Johnson. I made Chill Factor too. Uh, there's something right around here where I think, It's either when they're, like, one of them call, or Skeet Ulrich calls Cuba Gooding Jr. over to talk to the general, or maybe it's to talk to the EMTs. Do you hear this, that Cuban, Jr. calls Skeed Ulrich's sweet dick.

Does he? He's like, oh, what do you need sweet dick or something like that? There was sweet dick. There was another good one. Hold on. Better than sweet dick? I don't think so. I'm sure.

Walking shit. Sweet dick's better. No, sweet dick is definitely a better one. walking shit's pretty good. What we have here at the very end of this movie as it fades to credits is something so outrageous. Like, I can't even believe it. The way that they chose to end this movie

is on some hot mic improv. Yeah, dude. It's just these two actors prattling on making like sexy jokes to these EMTs. But like the camera's very far away. So that's not actually them. And it's like going darker, darker, darker. And they're just like flirting.

You don't have to do this. Skeed all right. It's like, do you want me to take my shirt off? Do I have to take my shirt off? And they're just like vamping. And I was like, end it. End this fucking movie. Get a fart rock song.

Just cut it out. Anything. Well, that's the thing too. I mean, this is 1999. The year of Our Lord 1999. Yes. I believe the new radicals were in power. You know what I mean?

Like give me that song. Like give me some pop fucking music. The music in this movie is terrible. so much so. Did you notice this? I don't know if anyone stuck around until the end credits. I did not. No, I did not. There are no music credits at the end of this scroll. There's no, no pop music at all.

What are we talking about? At propos of Keith Flint passing, fucking put a prodigy song on it. Yes. Sure. Yep. Now we're out of fun. Yep. Maybe we're in the fucking, we're in the ice cream trucks something and like, Skeeter O'Rourke pulls out a sick tape and he's like,

this will get us going. Now I'm watching a movie. Yes, it is amazing. Oh, you wanted a movie. Yeah, I was hoping for a movie. But when you think about a stupid movie like this, you're totally right, though. A stupid movie like this lacking any kind of pop song soundtrack. It is really fucking noticeable. It's dull. It's dull as fucking dirt.

And that's it. That is the end of this movie. Yeah, people. Close the freezer door. People can still live around there. You eat the fish. There's still things growing on top of that mountain. Yeah, like this is like a civil. The sequel to the sequel to the series.

for me is a civil action. He's like a little mutant kids running around. I grew marijuana on these hills. It's my very bad James Gandalfini. Oh yeah, I forgot he did that. So that's the end of this movie. Would anybody recommend it?

No, no, no, no, no. It's not, I mean, look, the two leads have no chemistry. And it's Skeet-Lark in Kubigini Jr., so that's not even great. I mean, I think, you know, the last good thing I saw Cuban-Govini Jr. was People versus O.J. Simpson.

He was too small for the role, but he really did it. He did a really good job. He did a great job. But that's like the other great thing that he's ever done, I think. But no, just no. No, no, no. I mean, I think there's probably more things that he's been in that I like. I can't think of it now.

Was it Boat Trip? You think of Boat Trip? Boatrip is not it. Boatrip was not it, nor was it, nor was it radio. Hey, it's me radio. Dude, that fucking movie, Ooch. Awful. Speaking to Ed Harris.

Those things are nuclearly. Boat Trip and radio are nuclearly bad. Bad, bad stuff. It is like society ending bad. Not good, not good, buddy. Yeah, it's one of the worst of these type of movies. And, like, the villain is a nothing. And Skid Aldrich is a nothing.

Cuban Jr. is the only thing, like, trying to give life to this thing. And he's given nothing to. really tie it all together, so fuck it. Honestly, you know, knock this out of the park if you want to get cheap, George Zunza would have been great. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. And that's like that guy, you can get him for a fucking song.

Now you got, at least you was in the deer hunter, that's something. Get John fucking Savage. What's he doing? You're just a basic instinct. He got butchered. Yep. Wade Knight would have been better. Oh, man. Leaps and bounds. I would not recommend this. It is

fucking trash. I will say, another movie that I saw of Kubukin Jr. is in the theaters and it's rotten, but somehow better than this movie. Can I guess this? Can I guess? Yes. Is it instinct? No, I did not see instinct. No, men of

honor with him and Robert De Niro. Yeah. Didn't we see that at one of those special screenings at like Cross Cates like fucking. Oh, like on a preview screening? It's possible. Like where you got the cardboard fucking. Oh yeah. I've been a couple things. Yeah, I think maybe. I think

we did do that. The movie where Robert De Niro is calling him cookie throughout the whole movie because he was like the cook and he wants to be the dude in like the diving bell suit or whatever. It is fucking trash. But if you want good Cuba Gooding Jr., boys in the hood. Yeah. There it is.

Yes. He has a substantial role in that movie. That's all you got to do. It's, I mean, it doesn't think, like, with, unfortunately for him winning the Oscar, like every couple of years they tried to get him another Oscar. And that's what Men of Honor is. Oh, big time. It's what radio is.

You know what I mean? It's like, oh, these are... I mean, I guess that's kind of what instinct is also. Instinct. But like... Was instinct part of that? No, that was a bad thrill. That was just a dud.

Like, men of honor, like that to me was like him trying to do like Rudy, but in the fucking like Navy. Navy Rudy. Yeah, pretty much. That's weird. And I think the problem with radio, other than it's fucking abhorrent, is they tried to make this whatever movie, this prestige. drama that they thought but it is a mad TV sketch and boy when you confuse prestige drama with mad TV sketch look out buddy that's a fucking problem it's not very good uh that is chill factor from 1999 directed by huge ass Hugh Johnson thanks to Charlie from L.A. for calling in and that

is the conclusion of listener request month thank you to everybody who called in again you know what now that we do it as a random lottery you can't fucking accuse us of not picking your movie it's all chance and fortune as it happens here at we hate movies favors the fools because we got the shaft again with four fucking terrible movies

so well done everybody I mean yeah you're right no it's been duds the entire I mean I did admit to kind of liking vibes but like overall still just bad times at the movies we are so far from Nightmare Beach man remember Nightmare Beach oh the good

days of what was that fucking death row picture? A letter from death row is something. Oh those were the days. Nightmare Beach I think is a classic app though. Maybe someone will think this is a classic app. I'm not one of them. It's certainly not a classic film

man. No, no. If you want more we hate movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies because there's one more Patreon requested full length episode on there. Laura Croft Tomb Raider. Absolutely. In the first Angelina Jolie joint, we've done a gleep glossary on Subalba of all people. That's right.

We've also done a trekumentary. I'm sorry, we've did a Twilight Mentary that's probably coming out pretty soon. Soon if it's not out of the time of this release. Also two episodes, specialty episode of the Nexus, one on Deep Space 9, one on a later in the series TNG. So get us out of season two. And also, who could forget the animation damnation on Stripperlla? My God, no. God. So more bonus things on there. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now, Steve Zadak, just because Listen to Request Month

is coming to an end doesn't mean that We Hate Movies is taking a break. What's going on next week? No, not at all. Next week, we are sometimes dead is better, Chris. That's right. That's what I keep hearing.

We're going to Pet Cemetery. The OG. In conjunction with the new movie coming out, we have the OG with Denise Crosby, speaking of TNG. And special guest, welcoming in studio. The Tick's Griffin Newman and Blank Checks.

That's right. And if you're not on Amazon. The Great Blank Check Podcast. It's a great blank check podcast. And if you're not watching The Tick, you're missing out. That's right. So until next week, where dead is better. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sadak. Chris Cadman. Take it easy. the HateGum podcast.